#i’m so tired of not having confidence

[goodday-goodmorn]

Little blurb that’s been sitting in my Docs for while based on @auspicioustidings idea from a while ago now i think— But yeah! I’be got like zero motivation to continue this- butttttt i liked the scene a lot so it shall be seen now! (Plus it’s Mhari’s Birthday!!! Happy Birthday Mhari! :> Even though i’m a few hours late into the day Hope you’re having a wonderful birth celebration!)

Based on a a scene i cooked up where reader finally gets caught by none other than the Ghost himself:

The weight of a gun in your hand is familiar.

So is the quiet sounds of a break in. You point at the door, watching, waiting. Like clockwork it creaks open, and there he is.

“Don’t move.”

You say sharply. Making the gun in your hand well known to the intruder.

Silence. He stares at you, you stare back. How many times have you done this dance? Tense words and a dashing messy escape. (The poorly wrapped bandages around your abdomen throb answering you question for you. Too many then.)

You sigh, and lower the gun.

He doesn’t even look suprised.

With a soft, Thump! ,you plop backwards onto the bed, arms outstretched. The gun is still in your hand but it’s dead weight. (Just like you.)

“…You’re not gonna ever stop are you?”

It’s said up at the shitty hotel ceiling. Hushed in the darkness of the room.

“No.”

He says it so simply.

You hum, pulling your knees and legs up onto the bed and rolling over. Back facing him, on your side. You snag a plushie on the way, hugging it close to your chest and settling your chin atop its head.

“Well shit. Turn all my red flags to white then, i give up.”

Defeated. Hushed. Tired. It sounds so unlike your normal voice. “But you already knew that didn’t you?”

There’s a dip in the bed, true to his namesake- he was silent as he walked to sit. You haven’t even heard him.

“…Who did your bandages?” Gruff bastard with his gruff voice. Sounding way too passive for talking with you, an enemy, his target actually. He should be barking orders and threats to you, you’ve heard the way he speaks on a mission before, all bite and harsh. But he shows none of that tension now. Not a lick of hostility.

“Who do you think?” You snort out, tucking your face into the head of the plushie and vehemently ignoring him.

“Kid, you need help. You can’t survive on your own.” Straight to business it seems.

Without even turning to look at him, you halfheartedly raise your middle finger.

He sighs.

Silence. Blissful, damning, silence. You’ve no more fight left to give and he knows it. Months on the run, months of constant near death escapes, months of being hunted like a dog. You’re tired. So tired.

“Ya know, Torture isn’t an effective way of getting info outta someone: statistically speaking.”

“We’re not gonna torture you.”

“But you do want that info don’t you?”

More silence.

You hum knowingly.

“And what happens after you get your precious information? You’ll kill me? Maim me like all the other fuckers who end up in your shit list?”

“No. Never.”

He says it with such ferocity it almost takes you by surprise for a second. If you were to be facing him, you would see the hardness of his eyes. The pure conviction swarming in his gaze.

“Not you. Never you.”

…

Finally you turn to him, feeling far too much like a young little kid on the playground who just can’t understand-

“Why?”

Something in his gaze softness. He wants to tell you this because he cares. The team cares. All of them- that they saw you, a prickly, panicked little bird in over their head and flying blind- but he knows it an answer you won’t accept. One you won’t understand. Not at this stage. Not yet. You don’t believe in words, you’ve been lied too far too many times for that.

So he says something you will believe. A watered down version of the truth that feels like such a disservice to everything that makes up your very being.

“You’re interesting.”

You seem to digest his words. Turning them over and thinking in that little head of yours.

‘How long is that interest gonna last?’

That's what you want to say. You want to scream at the top of your lungs that he doesn’t want you. No one does. He’ll get sick of your brashness eventually- he’ll learn and grow used to your tricks. And when your spontaneity grows old, you know what’ll happen.

But you don’t.

You say nothing except—

“…Can I at least pack my bags? …please?”

He knows you don’t have much to pack. He also knows you’re one tricky, flighty little bird. However, he heard your small plea, sees the defeated look in your eyes, the way your hand is so lax around the gun.

Gently, oh so gently, he takes the gun from your hand. You don’t even try and fight him.

“Sorry little bird. Can’t trust you to pack.”

The sad look on your face nearly makes him reconsider. But he can’t risk you getting away again. Not when you’re so easy to catch right now. So vulnerable.

“Can’t you restrain me and then i’ll tell you what to pack?”

That, he can do.

“Up.”

Commands come so naturally to him. You’re almost jealous at how easily they fall from his lips.

Like the old defeated dog you are, you listen, sitting up and presenting your hands to him to restrain. You don’t meet his eyes.

He takes no chances, you are securely bound with a pair of handcuffs. He tugs on them, standing you up and nudging you to the common area of your hotel room. It’s a sizable room, a nice hotel, though truthfully you hadn't really been thinking when you booked it. Brain to frazzled and exhausted to think about anything beyond a clean bed and a hot shower.

The lights are flicked on by his gloved hands, flooding your vision. You hiss blinking and adjusting while he nudges you to the center of the room, down into your knees.

“What am I looking for here, bird?”

Your gaze flicks to him, then to the corner of the room, a vent right by a little corner desk with a lamp.

He follows your gaze and then, (with one last hard look towards you that screams ‘stay’), he walks over. Inside the vent is a crumpled up backpack, old and raggedy. It looks out of place amongst the clean cream colors of the hotel amenities.

He prods at the thing, trained caution. (You don’t blame him after your last stunt with explosives.)

Unceremoniously he opens up the bag and dumps all its contents on the floor. You wince, watching your whole life be scattered on the ground.

A journal, a thermal blanket, a lighter, cash, USB sticks, Your laptop in its thick padded casing (thank god), stolen hotel amenities, nicotine patches, several pill bottles, a half empty water bottle, a pocket knife, bullets…

Your own personal little horde of trinkets.

“Was that necessary…?” You mutter, as he stuffs some stuff back into the bag.

“Can’t blame me for bein’ cautious.”

“Well- i could.”

He turns to look at you. Just… stares at you, all you can see is his eyes at that dreadful mask, boring into yours. He doesn’t need to say anything. You both know you could but you never. Been through too much to really blame him.

You’ve saved his life before, even though he was hunting you. You both know you would never blame him for doing his job. Not at this point.

(Just as he would never blame you for running.)

#cod fanfic #fanfic #go look at auspicioustiddings they’re cool #reader insert #simon riley x reader #I have so many thoughts about this au #Simion is a treat in this #so soft #Reader on the run who is resourceful and just so absurd in their demeanor #i’m talking pulling out insane insults as they run #calling ghosts mask moldy lol #But also is a reader who is just so defeated and tired #they don’t wanna run anymore #not from 141 #not from banter through texts #not from stupid reaction images #not from strangers offering in full confidence to doordash you food while you’re starving #not from the resulting jokes about them trying to get an address out of you #Not from the warm yet hearty meal that shows up anyway #not from the closest thing to family they’ve ever known #but how could they ever stay? #It’s a dynamic set to fail #They are a target #An objective #So what happens when 141 finishes their mission #what happens when they are caught? #ANYWAY— Happy birthday Mhari!!!

[thrumples]

i think the best way to explain how anxiety works to someone who doesn’t have it is with what i call the stoplight dilemma. almost every single time i’m the first car at a red light waiting for it to turn green, my brain likes to chime in with a fun little thought train of “what if red means go. what if you learned it completely wrong in drivers ed and red means go. what if you’re stupid and mixed up the colors. what if the cars behind you are wondering what kind of idiot is sitting in front of them not going through the red light. what if you’re making people mad. you’re making people mad just by sitting here you have to do something about this” and i’m just sitting there like jesus christ dude chill i’m pretty sure green means go. and then at the very next red light it starts all over again

being Fully Aware that each and every thing you start to overthink is completely irrational really doesn’t help much when it comes to anxiety because your brain will spit it all at you no matter how much you say to yourself that it’s irrational. and what’s even worse is if you already have confidence issues due to previous instances of constantly being told you were wrong when you were pretty sure you had it right because then you Really can’t be sure of anything you think. it’s a vicious cycle and no amount of “yes brain i know this is stupid can we move on” can really get rid of it

#and to be clear i am doing WAY better now than i was in previous years when it comes to handling my anxiety #but jesus man it’s so tiring. i’m so tired of having this extremely paranoid dumbfuck idiot in my brain 24/7 #who jumps at the slightest things and is absolutely convinced i’m always doing things completely wrong #like bro go away i’m trying to become more confident in myself and you’re backtracking me so badly #natposting #mental health

[irregularcollapse]

okay sooooo rhetorical but

why does it bother people who don’t read/write fanfiction, AND/OR read/write original romance fiction, that fic authors are getting romance books published? why is it such a big deal for them?

like i’m CONSTANTLY seeing “you can tell it was fanfiction” or “you can tell they wrote fanfiction” levelled as an insult or criticism of the work, and i just want those people to know that popular romance fiction existed before and independent of fanfiction, and a large amount of fic “tropes” existed in published romance fiction first. if you don’t read published romance fiction and never have (i’m talking about popular romance, not what we might class as literary romance or classic romances) then i’m sorry, but i’m not sure why you care.

“you can tell they wrote fanfiction” well actually, what you can really tell is that it also has the hallmarks of popular romance fiction. because fanfiction often has the same hallmarks - it just hasn’t passed through an editing team.

i just truly do not get why people who don’t read popular romance care at all how or why an author got their start. fanfiction is just a form of writing - as a whole, it’s not special. it’s not uniquely good or uniquely bad. and yes, practically speaking, it is currently one of the easiest ways as a writer to get your work seen and to get feedback on it. writing fanfiction doesn’t preclude a writer from writing original work, and it doesn’t mean their original work will be “fanfictiony” because fanfiction focused on romance does not have an inherent quality that makes it uniquely different to popular romance.

for real, go and read the synopses of RITA or RoNA winners back to the 1960s, and tell me that most of them don’t “sound like fanfiction.” i’d argue that 95% of the time, the only difference between popular romance of years past and popular romance now, is that now queer books get lauded too, are being published by mainstream publishers, and break out of cult status - but people aren’t ready to confront why they immediately dismiss popular queer romances as being “fanfictiony.”

basically, fanfiction didn’t invent pop romance, and it doesn’t define it. the fact people seem to think that it does simply reveals that they don’t know much about the genre in the first place.

if you’re not a pop romance reader, maybe just continue not to read popular romance. if you think that pop romances are the only queer books getting published right now, maybe stop getting book recommendations just from tiktok or instagram and actively seek out some books in a genre that you prefer.

#text post #long post #i’m so physically sore and also tired and i just needed to. #get this off my chest. #it’s not prompted by anything in particular #just have been seeing this intermittently #and i’m exhausted by people not having genre awareness yet still having the confidence to think they know things

[foxgloveinspace]

Do you ever figure out your Type and you go Oh No cause it’s just 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

#very much so #haha i’m in danger #listen. big. full face coverings weather it’s mask do helmet I don’t mind. staff maybe. long cloak. mostly the mask though we gotta focus on #the mask/helmet kink ok? that the big one here. someone who looks like they can command a lot of power. and like has the confidence to just #dominate a fuckin room when they speak people listen. but they are kind and soft and pick up kittens #and maybe they hold your hand and they definitely wrap you up in their arms when sleeping #I have a size kink and a helmet kink. I don’t know what else to say ok #hold me big man. I am small and need of comfort #I’m tired. I’m trying to hard to get through this stupid af ow battle pass to get the new hero while also unlocking Ramattra cause I didn’t #start playing ow2 until like late last month. don’t wanna talk about this post is… well it started out cuase I was think of my current fav #characters and Ramattra is on the list so it’s k #ok. him. Vessel (he counts… they all count tbh). Tron. technically Vanitas but I don’t wanna uhhh. Be With Him. #hmmmm. let’s see who else. Daft Punk. they fall under the ‘just masks though’ category of this #I liked Mando at first but he’s just kinda everywhere now and it’s Too Much for me. #anyway. big strong man with a mask/helemt. to reiterate #but also like. if they have a dark aesthetic👀 that’s a major plus. Otay okay

[kavehater]

I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness

#There’s this specific part of the song #It srsly alters my brain chemistry #Anyways #i hate tumblr sm #Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm #No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much #Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely #Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D #The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏 #Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it #The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc #To show her how messy it was …. #I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone … #Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th #Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious #And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei #It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking #To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I #Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia #And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games #All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car #Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke #Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon #Like me go mad with all these things #Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up. #dora daily #Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable #Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more #Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing. #Essay tags 😻😻😻

[abigail]

if you have nice hands/nails literally kill urself <3 peace and love <3

#sorry I am just feeling UPSET !!!! #im v tired of being embarrassed about my hands/skin issues … #I wanna have pretty nails so bad #and there was like a brief moment (like.. a year… before lockdowns lol) where I would do get my nails done #and it boosted my confidence sm with it all #but now I’m just too ashamed/embarrassed again ……. 🗣 #I’d go get my nails done again but I wouldn’t wanna go to the same place as before b/c they were kinda mean #so idk where I could go…. and I also don’t want to have to explain why my skin… looks like that… #and I know for a fact some places would just not want to do my nails b/c the skin is so damaged lol #also I simply can not afford to get my nails done ……. hmm……… oh well #anyway ! #sorry I just needed to vent #a

[seilon]

been having an overwhelming on and off feeling of dread all day over the thought of opening my email or getting a text or whatever and it’s Yet Another job rejection. like good god that’d fucking kill me

#I’m so tired of this dude #like I was pretty confident about this but. idk I’ve been turned down so many fucking times now and places have gotten my hopes up #just to let me down every single time and I just can’t help but feel like rejection is inevitable. cause im always rejected #note: I have been applying for jobs since January and have gotten exactly two (2) interviews that whole time. #kibumblabs #it’s only been a day but. idk #I am not going to be able to truly rest until I know the outcome despite how much I am dreading the possible outcome #and I don’t feel good reassuring myself and telllng myself it went well because that’d just be setting me up for a bigger letdown #man I wish they just gave me some kind of assurance on the spot #I think it isn’t helping that I’ve been super isolated recently #only one of my friends irl has been talking to me the last two weeks or so #and I know it’s realistically probably because school started but. idk no texts or anything #considering how things have gone this year overall mainly re: my ex and what he tells people I just feel like it’d be on brand at this #point for them to all want to stop associating with me and cut me off like my ex did and one of my close childhood friends did this year #I really don’t trust anyone anymore and I wish I could but when things are dead silent for a week or more it becomes kinda impossible #I wonder if any of them will talk to me voluntarily any time soon #I am not confident #lots of waiting lots of being alone lots of nothing

[deus-ex-mona]

there’s a non-non-zero chance of success though… _(:3 」∠)_

#long depressing rant in the tags incoming ig? take warning!! #maybe it’s bc it’s 3am and i’m tired or maybe it’s bc of the 8-9 hour old fried vermicelli that i just gave up on eating but my head hurts~~ #or maybe it could even be bc i spent like 3 hours unpacking my boxes (note: my fam moved last month) instead of chilling like i wanted to… #either way i saw some things while unpacking that i really should’ve left in the distant past and i’m feeling as empty as my stomach pre-米粉 #though i did uncover a dogtag i had engraved years ago with nothing but a ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) on it so that was pretty funny #but other than that… i remembered all the weird things i had given up on in the past via the things i unearthed… #like cooking! i unpacked this huge 1k+ page thick cookbook thing and remembered that i had a phase where i liked to cook #then i remembered that i had mistaken salt for sugar while making some meat dish with a ton of soy sauce and byebye cooking confidence :( #and to add to that i also read a past essay of mine about my culture and i remembered my grandma and i. yeah. #and i also saw stuff from my old hobbies that i had to give up on due to money/time constraints and i just. yeah. #and not to forget all the stuff from my former friends… i swear i always get ghosted the moment we affirm that we’re friends lol #am i a walking maxed social link or something? lol? yeah i have no irl friends. none. #i’ve gotten used to it though~ i don’t mind having no friends. it leaves me with more time for myself and my sleep~ #it’s just that… sometimes i get the urge to hop over the country border for some ~chewing gum~ shopping… but there’s no one to go with lol #or like when i see interesting-looking events going on at local attractions but there’s no one to check it out with… or something. #and that got me wondering… am i just wasting my life or something? it’s a new year right? so i should make some lifestyle changes too right? #…​and so i bought a hairdryer for the first time a few days back. yeah. that’s enough change for 1 year. lol #who needs friends when you can have a nice warm hairdryer? blast away good pal!!!!!!!!!!!! #anyways yeah. that’s my 3am rant of the day. sorry if you read this lol #sunday’s 🧂saltfest🧂 #h e lp i forgot to disable rbs on this for a bit i hate 3am brain smmmm </3

[kitsune-kaos]

Work rant:

Been working my ass off in a new department that I have minimal background in, whilst dealing with my mental health being probably the worst it’s been in the 10 months I’ve worked here, and today I was told by a supervisor that I’m not completing my tasks fast enough (mind you we’re consistently at or near max capacity rn) and she regarded my performance as seeming like I just don’t care. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day feeling extra fucked up and down on myself. I wish I had the capability/courage to stand up for myself and point out that they’re constant nitpicking has been getting to me, especially when they constantly appear to be chatting with their friends during work. Both her and the other supervisor have been cool in my books up til now, but the way they’ve both been treating me the past couple weeks has me not wanting to be there anymore. I’m tired of the nitpicking, hypocrisy, and the lack of care for those they’re supposed to be supervising.

#albeit she gave me some compliments too in order to soften the blow of what she said #and she framed it as her caring and wanting the best for me #but that was way harsh. #to say I don’t care when I’ve been trying so hard in a new area I lack confidence in #I wish I was better with confrontation and with defending myself #I’m just so tired and feeling beaten down #many of my coworkers have been very supportive. but for her to tell me that just ripped apart my already struggling self esteem #maybe she didn’t mean exactly what that choice of words conveyed. but fucks sake. #I’m also tired of being perceived like I’m not smart. but anyways. I digress #just not feeling good rn #rant #in my feels #in a mood #depression #mental health struggles

[iero]

#personal #Today was not a good day pals… 🫤😔 #Sucks that I feel so like… Tired and burnt out that I literally don’t have energy on my days off anymore. #And that’s sadly on being overworked and not getting enough sleep (which I do hold accountability for). #But yeah. Birthday tomorrow. Have nothing planned at all and don’t think I will plan anything because I DON’T #think I have the mental capacity to like do anything. 🤪 #Never mind the fact that my mom is not letting me off the hook tomorrow for dog sitting so I do have to be up at 3:30/4 AM for that. #After that? It will probably be a ‘Watch movies and order take out’ kind of (birth)day. #Pretty confident that’s what I did last year as well LMAO. Ain’t nothing wrong with that I suppose. #The meme is a joke by the way. No one has to admit they have a crush on me. I’m just kidding. Unless…? #Anyway this is a vent post. Thank you. Love you. ❤️

[sharkieboi]

Sansa had a great time visiting my parents’ for Christmas, everyone loved her so much and she was so calm and content the entire time. we especially did great in the car and she was so unbothered!

totally comfy with the travel home and the dogs, and we took a nap together this morning and she cuddled right in! so happy with her this whole trip, everyone was so enchanted by her and she wasn’t stressed at all 💙

#shhh sharkie #Sansa tiel #cockatiel #bird blogging #every time i’m so worried about her but she’s proven herself to be like #the most adaptable bird ever. she gets scared by new stuff but is never overwhelmed #and is so easy to calm down. like she knows i’m safe and when she wasn’t sure about other ppl she’d just come back to me #i don’t have her on the bed at home home cause the living room is her room there #but her cage was in my bedroom when i was in CT so like. that’s where i’m hanging out. #and i had her out but then i was laying down and tired and she just. snuggled right up. so we had a light nap together. it was lovely. #anyway this whole trip has made me a lot more confident for like her entire future #whether she comes with me or stays with someone else when i travel #she’s clearly very comfortable and/or just not super bothered by the whole process #did need to go to bed like. as soon as we got home. but tbf majority of our drive ended up post-sunset #so she just needed to sleep she’d already been in the dark for a couple hours #ugh anyway tldr i have the best lil bird in the world and i love her so much

[lady-grace-pens]

Is it a bad omen that I don’t know what genre I write?

FOAD is a dark romance I can see that much. ETNB is a fantasy. Htkag began as fantasy but turned into more lit fic than anything else. I hesitate calling my work even that because my work isn’t pretentious. I don’t know, it just seems like there should be more genre overlap than this right? The only connections I can spot between them are how all plots have a dramatic tone and are focused on character relationships and otherwise internal plots. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but is this a bad sign? Maybe I’m too young and I just haven’t written enough yet, I don’t know

#kaitlyn talks for once #I know what I’m not. sci-fi or horror. i know that much #sorry not to be all depressed on main but #so far being young has brought me nothing but growing pains. aren’t I supposed to be having the time of my life? i don’t k ow #I’m sick of feeling my age. I’m sick of feeling like every way I write or even approach my stories is bad. #I’m tired and sick of the doubt #I wish I could feel sure enough of myself to be confident in my abilities #being young is great but feeling young is a plague #skills improve like fine wine with time and effort blah blah blah I know #i don’t know #I’m sure it’s just my emotions soeaking and I’m just overthinking #i hope someone like me feels the same way I do. I genuinely mean that this time. I usually hate when people say that becaue it solves #nothing but this time I think it might actually comfort me

[gilded-dreamss]

My mom says I look stupid w blonde hair and black eyebrows lmao

#not anime #personal #me #mine #I’m not sure #I’m so tired I just wanna sleep #I’m so busy I barely have time to breathe #tell me i’m pretty #somehow my confidence has been low these days #ugh I hate when I feel like this #cute #girl #maybe? #idk

[astral-catastrophe]

while I’m still riding the high of being with friends all day, I’ve just gotta say, idk if I like her romantically or platonically but she’s amazing

@endless---possibility @celestialshogunate everything went great! we went mini golfing and bowling , then dropped off two of the friends and went to her house and watched a movie and played games and chatted on the phone with the other girl’s friend who lives in a different state and it was great

#and here’s the funky thing #She was talking about how one of the guys there had liked one of the other girls for ages #And they talked the whole time #My friend pointed it out to me. And the other guy was with the other girl the whole time basically #So six of us in all. And out of all of us there four of us are the ones going on the trip thing I’ll elaborate later back to the main point #Bc she talked to me basically the whole time #And held my hands because they were cold #And I messed with her hair and she didn’t complain #And she sat next to me basically the whole time #This could have been just her including me more with the friends I don’t know as well but also #She was doing the things that she pointed out about the other guys bc she’s confident those guys both liked the other two gals #ha #Also indirectly mentioned some of my friends here during conversation bc like. Y’all are cool. No names or relations were dropped #Just “oh like one of my friends-“ #Anyway I’m tired

[arthur-r]

i love (love) (/not correct not sincere this is an untrue fact about myself) dissociating at band practice and then being expected to sing about wanting to kill myself it’s so fun

#fuck. like i’m the person writing these songs but they are not for these moments #catharsis is something you can experience while you have some semblance of a will to live. not when you are staring into space blankly #feeling like a broken person. and actually at that very moment wanting to die #anyway i’ll be okay. just got home. this mom and kid were in the elevator with me up to the apartment and the mom recognized my cello #(​as being a cello i mean) and asked me about it and i told her i’m in a punk band about it and she said that’s the coolest thing #so that was good and cool. and they live on the third floor i live on the first so i might not see them again. but it was nice #and band was fine. and my band likes my song. but sometimes it actually is bad to sing about this stuff sometimes #(especially because it’s like. this particular song is also about. insecurities in relationship. and i’m able to play the song because i #don’t really feel those insecurities as much any more and i’m in a better place with regards to. not spiralling about being loved. however #that only applies to the relationship insecurities of that moment. when i was writing it. and i went a while without developing new ones #but now there’s a lot of irl friendships that feel as unstable as i felt at that time. and so now the song means something to me directly #and now it hurts again. and it’s not good. i’m like scared for certain people to ever hear it) #anyway my mom and little sister are actively waiting for me to come out of the bathroom where i sit typing this. and tell them how band was #and whatever i say will not involve any of these facts. but i sure have to go say it #so idk. i love you guys. struggling a bit. but i’ll be okay. scary current relationships mentioned = nobody here i feel pretty stable #i have built relationships that i feel confident about. with the most important people. and that is really good and i’m glad #there are other newer scarier relationships that i am going insane about. a teacher and two students and a coworker. wish me luck #anyway i have to go. but yeah. idk. i’m so tired. heading out now. be back in a bit #me. my post. mine. #delete later #suicide mention #ask to tag #vent cw #(kind of) #friends only