#i’m not chronically exhausted and underweight | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fang-toothed · 10 months

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You know one thing I’m really fucking tired of? I’m tired of modals and celebs claiming to be “healthy” and “naturally skinny” when they are so fucking obviously underweight. It makes girls and boys alike think an underweight female body is the norm and is healthy, holds up beauty standards, and convinces girls that they too can reach that BMI by eating “healthy” and some other bullshit and if they can’t, then they’re the problem.

I have (and still am, to some degree) struggled with an eating disorder since my junior year of high school, where I got to the point of being anorexic. Thankfully, I at least started to become unable to restrict that heavily, though I still had a toxic mindset and some bulimic tendencies. I’ve been doing pretty well in the last 8 months or so, but unfortunately, I’m dealing with what seems to be chronic GI issues (still trying to get a diagnosis to figure out what’s going on) and have involuntarily lost a little over 8% of my body weight in the last 6 months. That really doesn’t sound like much, but when you’re already at a fairly low, but still healthy BMI, that can push you into being slightly underweight, as I have unwillingly experienced.

I don’t have pictures of my anorexic days, and I was having depression treatment that wiped out a lot of my memory at the time, so I didn’t have a great grasp of what my body would look like when I crossed the border from healthy to underweight. And I was mindblown from how “normal” my body seemed to be when I knew definitively that I was underweight.

It’s true you can’t get an exact measure of someone’s weight from a picture, but as someone who’s currently slightly underweight, I can at least tell now when someone’s either underweight or healthy weight. And not to target her in particular, but Ariana Grande is DEFINITELY underweight by a good margin. I doubt she’s even in the yellow zone of underweight at 17.5 to 18.4 BMI, where she’d at least be out of the danger zone. She has her collar bones and ribcage jutting out, a head that looks huge on her tiny body, and sticks for arms and legs. It is impossible to be healthy with that little weight and body fat. Here’s a recent picture of her below:

I have to admit, it was Grande’s recent “oh I’m just eating healthy and vegan and you can’t know if I’m healthy or not” video blog that sparked this post. But she’s far from the only celeb to post this bullshit. And I’m just fucking exhausted of it all. Being significantly underweight is NEVER healthy, with the possible exemption of being a specific type of athlete and/or just hitting a growth spurt. But if you’re 99.9 percent of adults, you do not fall in either category.

I just want this toxic standard of women’s weight to be preferably underweight while pretending it’s totally fine and good to end.

#radfems do interact #gender critical #radblr #radical feminists do touch #radical feminist #ramblings #beauty standards

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weezeryuri · 2 months

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honestly the experience of reading about similar neglect cases to mine is so deeply exhausting, in my situation it’s because my caretaker in question is not at all equipped or competent enough to take care of a partially bedbound autistic 19 year old rather than out of resentment.

like. my mom doesn’t hate me, she doesn’t want me dead, she wants what’s best for me, but it’s still been 2 years since i’ve seen my primary doctor and i’m chronically underweight and she has watched me lay face down sobbing on the bathroom floor from pain and nausea countless times

i genuinely think she doesn’t know what to do with me and is too prideful to admit it and get extra support for me. like she used to yell at my dad for taking me grocery shopping when she fell behind on it. it’s fucking weird and i wish i understood

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whotfletamothhyperfx · 23 days

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Venting

TLDR: I’m not gonna be posting for a while sorry

I don’t know how much longer it’s gonna be until I have a total and utter meltdown/ breakdown whatever the worst one is cause it’s gonna happen soon. I just can’t deal with all this shit put onto me anymore, I already have enough to worry about with my exams but now I’ve got to worry about the fact I’m criminally underweight to the point that my shoulder blade got caught on my ribs and now Im in pain everyday of my life, I’ve got to deal with the fact my parents are having to pay for a private doctor that costs them hundreds per meetings. There’s a chance this might be permanent if I have it too long and I have no idea what to do if it’s already permanent, I’ll have chronic pain for the rest of my life. I can’t hold my arms above my head for even a minute without being exhausted,

I’ve got to deal with fact I’m pretty sure I’m depressed I just can’t feel anything anymore, and whenever I do feel stuff I’m sad or angry and I just can’t feel happy anymore. Every-time I do feel the slightest bit happy something comes and tears it away in literally minutes. Sleeping is all I do and eating makes me feel sick.

I can’t even let myself enjoy the things I do have because everything comes with the slightest bit of guilt. I buy books and I’m so tired I can’t pick them up. I buy games and I can’t leave my bed anymore. I can’t do a single thing without feeling guilty. I have to get my breakfasts carried to my room or I won’t eat until dinner and even then that’s all I eat. My parents are having to put protein powder like the things athletes take or I’m gonna end up more hurt. It’s never been this bad before.

I don’t have a single good thing happening in my life but still I’m forcing myself to act happy around people and I don’t even know why, I literally deleted this before because i thought it might be “too depressing” to post but ya know what? It’s my blog if I wanna scream to the void then it’s my void to scream into ya know? It’s funny that this is genuinly the only place I have to go. I can’t go to my parents, I can’t go to my friends. I don’t even know if I have friends anymore. I’m pretty sure my best friend is mad at me but I’m giving her space so I hope she isn’t mad at me

I love my parents, they’re trying so hard and I know they love me but god every time they talk to me it feels like something they say always ends up making me feel worse and I don’t even know why. Most of the time it’s just harmless jokes I spend the next weeks thinking of.

I’m so tired of just dealing with everything, I’ve not left my bed in weeks, my rooms a mess, I can’t eat and now I only sleep and draw. It’s all I do and I’m so stressed and tired and I just want to scream at someone and the notes app is getting to full of my angry thoughts so this is just me kinda hoping it’ll give me a rest. I’m really fucking tired.

So yeah if you read this far I probably won’t post for a while, I don’t have the energy.

#vent post #personal vent #vent

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lullabybug · 9 months

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So my weight has not moved since July. I’ve been stuck around 102-103lbs and the scale will not budge. Except I’ve noticed physical weight loss I think. I have wide hips so even at a normal weight my thighs don’t touch unless I squeezed my legs together However I’ve been “low restricting” unintentionally because I have newly diagnosed gastritis which causes me severe pain after eating, vomiting, and loss of appetite it’s most likely caused by my Ehlers danlos syndrome but I haven’t lost a single lb in these 2 weeks except this morning I squeezed my legs together and my thighs didn’t touch at all not even at the top. I’m so confused why this is happening unless I’m like mega retaining water because the scale says I’ve lost nothing. I don’t know if I’m losing weight or not because the scale doesn’t move but with the low amount I’m eating it shouldn’t physically be possible not to lose weight and I’m pretty sure I have lost some given my thighs arent touching anymore.

I have hypothyroidism and my levels are very low considering that I’m on medication for it. For my age category the normal levels are 9-19 and mines at a 9 and it shouldn’t be that low since I’m on Synthroid so I’m hoping my next doctor visit will get me on a higher dose and fix this.

Hormones are a bitch chronic illness is a bitch I’m so unbelievably stressed out. I know I should be happy to even be underweight with hypothyroid but this is exhausting.

#violetwhyareyoulikethis

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orangepunkwitch-blog · 1 year

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Where have I been?

I will try not to get into too much detail (considering this is a witchy blog; I originally wanted to get into the super-detailed stuff in my main blog) but a LOT has happened since 2018!

If you’re a new follower: hello there! You likely haven’t seen much from me in recent years because I migrated from tumblr in 2018, only to make a friggin’ back-up account because I needed to vent about stuff, lol. But I’ll be posting more frequently now! Especially since I saw this post the other day, which made me come back here.

But first, to the old followers: we got catching up to do.

I should note that any followers who followed me to my Mastodon account saw me sort of drop off from there but I’ve been more active on there the last few months.

CONTENT WARNING: I will be talking about some health-related trauma and there will also be mentioning of ED for the next few paragraphs. I’ll signal the end of that with all caps bold-italics.

2019 was the year my body decided to... ramp up the pain. From the tail-end of summer onward, I had developed health issues that affecting my colorectal areas, complete with rectal cramps, but all on one side. Eating was becoming difficult for me, as I had to do everything I can to avoid constipation as my chronic anal fissures worried me. It was to a point that I actually got a cane, and I ended up skipping eating at all except for dinner on my first two days of my period. This continued into 2020 as my high metabolism made me slowly drop in weight over time to a point where I was really underweight. But that pain on my period that caused me to use a cane because I thought I had some sort of.. growth or something pressing on my sciatic nerve... That’s what kept making me constantly adjusting my diet. But it’s hard to eat when the pain eliminates your appetite or makes everything come back up and you nearly collapse from exhaustion.

April 2021, I had an anal fissure that, while not very painful, had a considerable amount of blood that warranted my very first ambulance right to the ER. I’m fine, but I had blood tests done just in case it was Crohn’s. It’s not. I was recommended a gastroenterologist, who at first recommended a colonoscopy, but I begged for something less invasive (my first CT scan!). And he was glad I did, because I had a golfball-sized cyst on my ovary that was pinching and pressuring my large intestine, as well as creating pressures everywhere else.

He referred me to the best gyno I’ve ever met. Upon meeting him, he immediately told me, “I want to perform surgery on you as soon as possible.” He also went, “While I’m in there, did you want your tubes removed?” Like.. no questions. This guy was fucking awesome. I felt like a person to him (the gastro-doc was cool, too!)

September 2021, I got surgery. This gyno specializes in ovarian cancer, and that’s what he was afraid of. But lo and behold, it was not cancer! The cyst was chocolate in color!

It was endometriosis, confirming my decade-long suspicion.

He told me that the cyst was sticking to my bowel, and he gently pulled it loose, but saw no other signs of it anywhere else in me. He wasn’t a specialist, but he knew what to watch out for.

I ended up losing the ovary. But post-op recovery was a breeze. I didn’t need painkillers, and that still freaks my husband out, lmao.

2022 saw me going to seek a counselor for a few things (abandonment issues, trauma related to health issues, as well as being assessed for Autism, which I’ll get to that last one after the content warning bumper at the end here), and the counselor I ended up seeing was some... I guess religious lady who specializes in eating disorders. By this point, I knew I was underweight and was trying to get a hold of the right doctor to get that taken care of, but despite telling hr of my health issues, she kept insisting I was anorexic.

Meeting after meeting, she refused to listen. She did everything but tell me directly that she didn’t believe me. She invited my husband to come in on the last meeting, to which I agreed, and when he took my side, she immediately ignored he existed. And I’m still messed up from her.

I saw a nutritionist who recommended a nutritional shake intended for gaining weight and such, but she also acted like I had an eating disorder, begging me to “just eat more” and eventually told me, “I don’t know how endometriosis affects how you eat.” The only silver lining is these shakes do the trick.

I am gaining weight, just not at the rate people would like me to, but I’m DEFINITELY making progress. It’s just a high metabolism has ALWAYS made weight-gain so difficult to me.

OKAY, THIS IS THE END OF THE TRIGGERING STUFF. I APOLOGIZE. THE REST SHOULD BE FINE. IF NOT, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

I’ll keep this bit brief, but I’ve discovered that I’m Autistic! I’ll keep it to only self-diagnosis, as if I had an official one, that could rip all sorts of rights away from me here in the US. I’ve got a mouth on me, so someone (anyone, really) could use such a diagnosis against me if they wanted (such as having me involuntarily committed, abuse as a patient at any medical facility, etc.) Figuring out how my own mind works has helped me a lot to a point where my husband says my mood has significantly improved.

And now, the important part relating to this blog: my practice.

This is... a lot. So I’m going to sort of keep it short because I definitely want to make more detailed posts on some of this.

I’m of Serbian descent; I’ve had the most cultural exposure in my family to Serbian Orthodox practices (it wasn’t a whole lot, because I guess my dad (who is where I get my Serbian heritage from) wanted me to be “normal” or something... the guy wants to be plane white-bread ‘Murican and tried to make me like that, too, basically), and after realizing how much of stuff in general is appropriated, I decided to back off from a lot of things outside of the safe stuff (like Tarot, color/candle magick, runes, etc.)

I also realized that on my mom’s side (she’s Irish, and the only Irish-American culture she has is getting to say that she’s Irish), I have actual colonizer’s blood in me, and that did not sit well with me at all. (Mom loves to brag about how we’re related to Andrew Jackson.... yeah...) I didn’t want to have any association with that at all, not even by accident. So I decided to educate myself a little regarding colonizers and the Americas.

And after I did lots of reading, I’ve come to the conclusion that, in my eyes, much of Christianity is basically a colonizing tool. And if anyone knows anything about Serbian history, it took 2 tries for that to take hold, which is precisely why much of the Pagan practices still remain within Serbian Orthodoxy.

So what’s my practice now? Welp, I’m still Pagan, I’m still a Lokean, but I’m gonna reclaim my roots and reform it. And by “reform,” I mean not only shedding the Christian aspect of it, but also adjusting the folk magick practices (so, for example, no sacrificing of animals). I’m going to do a separate post soon after this one about that, too. But I do want everyone to keep in mind that this is what I’m doing for me. I’m not trying to convince anyone to do anything regarding reclaiming their roots. If you wanna do it and have your reasons how and why you wanna do it, go for it! But I’ll be sharing what I’m doing (and plan to do, I’m still kinda in the beginning stages of it) so that others have an example in case that’s the route they wanna go.

I’m gonna end the post here, because I’m gonna start going all over the place. So once I fold laundry, I’ll make the next post all about my practice and what I am doing and planning to do in better detail (including what gods have left my life and who are sticking around!)

#trigger warning but I don't know how to tag it precisely #Lokean #witchcraft #Paganism

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flirting-with-psychology · 7 months

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Things people might be surprised to find out about you! [True or False 3!] pt. 2

Created by joybucket

I’ve been in a motorcycle accident. 🏍️ I have celiac disease. I frequently feel exhausted. 😩 My face is covered in freckles. I wish I were taller. I wish I were shorter. I’m short. I’m tall. I’m average height. I’m overweight. I’m obese. I’m underweight. I don’t like peppermint. I still eat Lunchables. I eat a lot of Ramen noodles. 🍜 I sleep with a stuffed animal. 🧸 I’ve written a letter to my celebrity crush and sent it. 📝 I’ve been to a protest. 🪧 I’ve held up a sign at a protest. 🪧 I have a good view of the mountains from where I live. 🏔️ I’m dyslexic. I’ve had a friend who was dyslexic. Medications often make me unfocused and scatterbrained as a side effect. I often get brain fog. ….and I hate it. I’ve successfully solved a Rubik’s cube. There is an X in my name. There is a Z in my name. I stopped correcting grammatical errors online, because people get so mad about it. I’ve been a cyberbully. I carry a good luck charm. I can feel God’s presence often. ✨ I’m a high school student. I’m a college student. I have stomach issues. I have “female problems.” I’m not very competitive, and I don’t care about sports at all. I’m allergic to life, it seems. I’ve had Botox. I’ve considered getting Botox. I want to get Botox. I own a sewing machine and like to sew. I’ve overcome an addiction. I have a huge celebrity crush. 😍 I’ve never used a tampon. I often pretend to be happy, when I’m not. I had braces on my teeth as a teenager. I’ve never had braces. I own and use a wheelchair. I use medical marijuana. I use essential oils. I sell essential oils. I have an unusual irrational fear. I’ve never eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 🥪 I have very sensitive skin. I’ve never gone to a public school. 🏫 I was homeschooled. I’ve skipped school to go and do something fun. I take baths instead of showers. 🛀 I suffer from a chronic illness, but no one would be able to tell just by looking at me. I’ve gone through a season of depression, intense misery, grief, etc. I used to have anxiety, but now I don’t. I get extreme stage fright. I’ve been misdiagnosed with something. I believe I have something that I haven’t been officially diagnosed with yet.

#survey

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radicalmommyxx · 4 years

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On Puberty Blockers:

My grandma had breast cancer last year. They removed it and she is fine. But she is now on estrogen blockers, to prevent it from coming back.

She is 83. She is and always has been a slender woman, close to underweight. So, very little fat reserves on her. This is important.

Since taking these pills, she has gone from a very spry and healthy woman who could chase down toddlers, only needed 6 hours of sleep, could play games like kickball with me and my kid, garden, fish on a lake for hours, and many other activities that are very physical and super impressive for her age.

Now? After the pills?

She’s constantly exhausted. She is up around 6am, and by early afternoon she’s tapped out from doing things like making tea, reading, an occasional errand. She has to nap for hours. Then sleep more at night. She’s constantly nauseated. She has food aversions. Hot flashes. Chronic pain and headaches. And more.

She’s well into postmenopause, so her body barely even produces estrogen anymore, and since she’s so slight there’s very little being released by fat stores- which is older women’s main source of estrogen at that point.

So I’m seeing this, I’m watching this woman I love and admire taking something that blocks her estrogen, something that kids are taking- kids who should be producing a LOT of these hormones so their bodies properly develop and set stage for their future health, and I’m horrified.

Cancer treatments, with these god awful side effects that can ravage older people, people who have had normal puberty and don’t have any complications related to transition or HRT- and I’m terrified for what is going to happen to these kids down the line. 5 years, 10 years, 30 years.

What happesn if you detransition? What happens if you develope a disease that requires something similar to my grandma? What then? Well, they don’t know. They aren’t positive how it’s going to affect your long term health, or how it impacts your cognition- though the studies coming out show reduced cognition. They can guess, but this is new. Until recently, transition didn’t happen until much much older, and they didn’t stop puberty.

You deserve better than to have adults fail you and allow you to do something that WILL effect your health in unforeseen ways down the line. You deserve better than being treated as a guinea pig. Kids cannot and should not be able to make these choices. You’re not allowed to drink, or smoke because you’re body is still developing and doing these things damages your body. Your brain is still developing! You literally don’t have the tools to understand and process these things, because you’re children! You can’t get tattoos because of this, so you sure as hell shouldn’t be playing Russian roulette with your health, especially since I’m this case we know the gun has multiple rounds in it!!! It’s not that your stupid, it’s that you’re kids and you aren’t being looked after.

You may not see it, you may not get it, but many of us are trying to look out for you. Trying to protect you. I am so thankful everyday that I never started medical transition when I ID’d as a FtM because I would have regretted it. You deserve comprehensive therpay to help you live in this world, to accept yourself and be healthy. Not to slap a shiny layer of toxic paint on yourself and send you on your way!

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justseveralowls · 4 years

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I’ve spent over 16 hours in two different ERs and I’d like to vent

CW: Doctors hospitals, chronic illness, incompetence, female hysteria, humiliation, mental health stigma,

What follows is my original post made on Thursday, there is a update as of today at the end and the news is not all bad. This is made to spread awareness talk about an issue I feel is way too often ignored and most importantly let other people feeling this they aren’t alone.

So. I have ehler danlos syndrome, celiac, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and an (so far) otherwise specified seizure disorder. So basically I am a medical dumpster fire. Getting a or in my case several diagnosis has been a long terrifying and grueling for both me and my partner. We have enountered many doctors and nurses who were kind attentive willing to listen and knowledgeable about my Miriad of admiditally uncommon diagnosis. But today I am so incredibly hurt, frustrated, angry and scared and I want to put this out there because this is part of the many problems that chronically ill and disabled people face everytime they walk into a doctors office, emergency room or even out in public.

So I look sick, it’s obvious and it’s been obvious for a long time. I sit at around a six to seven on a pain scale most of my life, which sucks. I have chronic nausea and weight loss that makes me weak and thin in a sick way, which also sucks. But by far the hardest thing is hoe many people refuse to take my seriously. So today after three months on a waiting list I saw a gastroenterologist. I was scared, underweight, sick and tired. I wanted answers like always and let my partner drag me into a beige fluorescent room to try and make some sense. Overall the doctor was nice, but put heavy emphasis on my past of CPTSD from repeated abuse, and implied that my weight loss and severe gastrointestinal problems could be “just a side effect of my anxiety”. That was dehumanizing to say the least. Because I know I’m traumatized, I’ve sat in therapists offices and cried, I’ve pulled myself together, fought addiction and anorexia and I know that I’m healing. I know it’s his job to look between the lines but I also want to just have a chance to be understood, and not dismissed as a psych case.

Later today I had an episode of vomiting and loss of consciousness, over all not great stuff. So my partner in their amazing sense of love and compassion took me to th ER. Because that’s where you’re supposed to go when you’re scared, sick, hurt, in danger and don’t know what to do.

My experience there was by far the worst I’ve ever had. My vitals were highly abnormal (high pulse at rest, low BP, and low pulse ox). I was having neurological symptoms related to my seizure disorder and instead was given a barrage of tests that had nothing to do with why I was there, the condition I repeatedly told them I had, or the worrying vitals. So after two hours a head CT and useless blood work the ER doctor looked at me and my partner (who was forced to wait in the car in 94 degree weather) and told me I was fine and dehydrated.

I’m a nursing student, I’m new, I’m a novice at the most, and I have a lot to learn. But never could I imagine having a chronically patient, with abnormal labs and vitals with numerological involvement be given saline and discharged. My partner and I were terrified because we didn’t know what else to do. I needed help. I needed answers. I needed them to hear me. After me panicking my partner told me that we should try again. Because doctors are here to help us, and if your scared and there’s something wrong they took an oath to help.

So I called the nurse who was awesome, he went and got the doctor and I was ready to make my case. My partner at this point as well as me were terrified frustrated and close to tears. And this ER doctor after hearing our concerns, my history (with chronic illness and anorexia) proceeded to throw up her hand and as’ my partner “what they her to do”. This was shocking but sadly it doesn’t end here. The doctor proceeded to insist that I was fine and the situation was both non emergent and out of her hands. I responded in a passive way because at that point I was scared triggered and exausted. And I asked what she thought I should do”. And the words that came of her mouth hurt me and made more angry than any four syllables ever has.

“Psych referral”

Now let me something straight. I am a survivor, I am working in me healing, I am growing and changing for the better. I take my meds go to therapy and work everyday to get a little better. But this woman who obviously hadn’t read my chart which denotes not only my diagnosis, psychological history, and notEs from speacialists on the severity of my physical condition has just implied that I’m crazy. This was horrible but 8 could see how it would seem that I am overreacting but, due years of gaslighting, medication being forced on me to cover abuse and trauma, I hate being called that. It’s not a real term, nor does it help anyone, nor does it doing anything but make me remember the nights I spent wondering if that word was me.

In one visit, one person managed to dehumanize, humiliate dismiss me and maybe risk my life based on the fact that 8 wasn’t worth the time it took to read my chart.

It so incredibly weird to have to say this but I as a queer, gay, chronically ill, Latin person am in fact still a human being WHOS painand concerns deserve as much respect as anyone else. We all deserve to be helped and heard and people like this are one of the many reasons that I and so many others are scared to ge5 help, scared to tell the full story, or scared to speak up. This kills people. This is killing people. And this is why I in all my chronically glory and working so hard to advocate and move forward in medicine as a whole. Because nobody deserves that. Because I didn’t deserve to sit in an ER terrified and be told I was crazy. Because my partner doesn’t deserve to be dismissed and mocked for being scared. Because I nor anyone else have to prove I am sick enough or disabled enough to be worth someone’s time.

I hope anyone who reads this and understands even a little. Who’s been through it, whose family and partners have been through it know that this is not okay, that this not your fault, and that you are by no means crazy. That the people who make feel like burden or an annoyance are the problem. Because you deserve to be heard. I m hoping everybody’s doing okay, I’m hoping your journeys are treating you well. Because as always no matter who are, where you are and what you’re feeling you are not alone, you are worthy and I believe you.

***Update**

I later went to a larger hospital not in my home town, and through a long stay in the ER got a formal epilepsy diagnosis, given a anti convulsants drug, and overall treated like a human being. I now have contact with their epilepsy unit and have the tool and education I need to start this part of my chronic illness journey. I’m exhausted and getting used to knew meds but am highly grateful for the good doctors out there, the nurses who listen and the partner who was angelic enough to be with me through it all.

#mental health #mine #system speaks #personal #chronic illness #spoonie #recovery #coping #rant #vent #medical struggles #mental health support #ehlers danlos syndrome #actually epileptic

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tea-at-221 · 4 years

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Minor TWs for brief mention of suicidal ideation, the pandemic, and chronic illness. This post is mainly about fandom and busy schedules.

Life has been so full of struggle lately.

I know it has for everyone. I'm nothing special. But between working nonstop, getting work done on the house, and worrying about/researching my health issues so I can address them on my own bc there's no good doctor for them here, plus getting another kidney stone, and having sick pets and stressed friends, man....

I just really want to stop and finish a couple of the fics I'm writing.

I just don't have the luxury of making time. Every day I wonder if tomorrow I will be able to write, and the answer is always no because I know my work load is too heavy.

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted and literally doing all I can to smile and not collapse despite suddenly being quite underweight.

I continue to run a small business and do housework despite my fatigue (thanks to Vyvanse). But if I do find any down time I don't have energy to do anything but read. If I force a break during the day, I just feel guilty for not keeping on top of my obligations. But they never end.

For the past 5 days I've been carving out 15 minutes before I go to bed to work on the last chapter of Deja Vu, but it's like trying to run through water. I know I'm almost done, but it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

I try to stay positive, which I'm successful at more often than not--now, when things are tangibly worse than they've ever been in so many ways, ironically--by counting my blessings: a husband and pets I love, a nice cup of tea, a hot bath, a good fic to read, @threepatchpodcast keeping me company through it all, and answers to my health problems after years of being told it was all in my head...which, though I'm still facing a HUGE uphill battle and can only hope that the enormous delay in getting a diagnosis hasn't caused me irreversible harm, is good to have because information means a sense of control and power that has eluded me to the point of suicidal ideation many many times over the last 8 years.

I would truly be lost without fandom. It's the only thing that soothes me no matter what else is happening.

I'm also grateful for the healing nature of @threepatchpodcast in a mental sense--I only started listening a couple of weeks ago, but hearing the different perspectives on the show and just, how much the podcasters seem to enjoy the show and each other through everything, has really helped with the emotional scars I've carried since S4. I can actually finally say that if they ever do an S5, I'll actually watch. I've come far enough to handle it.

Hopefully I'll be much better physically by then, too, and the pandemic will be behind us all. I'd really like to be able to get a life back (mine having been broken way before this pandemic started) and go to some Sherlock cons and actually be able to eat food when I travel (my diet right now being *severely* limited).

Oh man, does that sound idyllic. Fingers are so crossed. 🤞

#johnlock #sherlock #bbc sherlock #three patch podcast #spoonie #chronic illness #my fics #my writing #writing #deja vu

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seeminglyseph · 3 years

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Food for an oc of your choice

You know what since this doesn’t specify I’m gonna talk about my RP character Kyle because I like him.

Kyle is pretty underweight and has some pretty bad health problems in part because he lived in stress and poverty for a few years and had to pinch pennies for rent more often than food. He’s generally pretty chill about it, but it meant he didn’t really have any food skills when actually presented with the money to buy proper groceries. He gets a lot of shit for having a bachelor’s diet but mostly he’s so exhausted and in so much pain that making a meal for himself is too much effort. He can be put in the habit of it if someone else is eating, because he hates himself but can muster the strength to cook for someone else. Unfortunately that did not become noticed and instead like 4 hours of intense exercise and combat training was added to his day? And anyway his body basically broke down for a bit lol. RPing a character with chronic pain in a realistic way means he cannot be batman.

Also he pretty much survives on energy drinks, doesn’t realise they’ve caused a cycle of damage and highs and crashes and increasing his pain. He is exclusively looking for just enough to get through his full time work schedule, working to get his GED and being a superhero. While slowly taking control of a household like a mom because bunch of man children can’t do laundry or make dishes and think knowing how to cook pancakes from scratch is fancy.

He is also the one in the group that likes pickles.

#I've been writing him for years now and I have all these feelings #buying a box of pancake mix when you have ingredients at home is an extra expence #in this situation making from scratch is because he grew up unable to afford an extra box #we have milk and vinegar and butter and flour and sugar and eggs and soda #put the extra effort and time into it lol #I'm so fucking tired I'm sorry this is a weird answer #blarrghe

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radiqueer · 4 years

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I'm sorry if this is an intrusive question, but in your knowledge, how does ednos manifest? Both for you and people you might know. I know for a fact that my relationship with food is not fucking normal, but I don't exactly know what to make of it and...wth...

ednos stands for “eating disorder not otherwise specified” which means it reps ALL eating disorders not covered under other diagnostic criteria. most, something like 70% of eating disorders fall in this category.

MY ednos looks something like this: i have an avoidant and distressed response to food and being told to eat. i tend to delay eating for as long as possible. i’m underweight and too thin for my age+weight, but i don’t have body image issues other than a generalized gender dysphoria that can’t be solved by transition. often, i delay eating for as long as possible. often this results in headaches and chronic exhaustion, shaking hands, nausea, loss of ability to focus (compounded by adhd). for example, right now I’ve eaten food equal to one slice of toast and one cup of tea since i woke up at 9am - it’s 2:20pm as i write this.

it’s hard for me to push myself to eat because i have adhd; executive dysfunction makes completing the steps of acquiring food difficult. i have autism and texture issues due to that which make eating a lot of food difficult. the food that i can stand, i often still need to be pushed into eating. i hate when people tell me i need to eat or gain weight and sometimes refuse to do the latter out of misery and spite. depression adds a layer of weight on top of all of this.

fundamentally, my eating disorder is about my desire to avoid eating because i feel like it’s unnecessary, distressing, and repetitive. there’s no solution for this that i can envision.

a friend was kind enough to share their experience with me also:

my eating has definitely been disordered at times and I’ve only just now, in my thirties, gotten a handle on it

so, I grew up in a house where my mother (whom I love) was always insecure about her weight and always dieting. so the language she always used - and still uses - about food is very morality-based. some foods are ‘bad’, others are ‘good’. if you have a bad food, you’re being wicked, and even if she says it with a sort of humorous thrill, as a kid you still internalise the guilt

it was also a house where, for various reasons, we never really had any chips or chocolate or candy or snacks like that around, only basic ice cream sometimes and never soda

so the combination of this meant that, when I did encounter junk food, I’d go buckwild and compulsively stuff my face, because if it was my only opportunity to eat it, then I had to eat AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

the added result was that, if I ended up with a surplus of junk food, like from easter or christmas, I had to eat it all IMMEDIATELY, because if I ate it all at once (in my mind) then I was only being bad once, and that was therefore better than eating a little each day and being bad each day

plus, I couldn’t control myself

which was one thing when I lived at home and didn’t control the shopping, but as an adult I’d never learned self-control or how to stop eating junk when

I was full, because I’d developed a compulsion around itthe fact that I can now have a tub of ice cream in the house and not eat three bowls the day I buy it, or have chocolate and not eat it all at once, or anything like that, is a development that’s really only been true for like… a year? if that?

like, I was making progress towards this state of affairs for a while, but the fact that there are uneaten lindt balls in my cupboard right now would’ve been impossible a year and a bit ago

plus the whole 'food is my only comfort while pregnant’ thing probably set me back a bit

but I’ve really worked at being mentally calm around it and reminding myself the food will still be there tomorrow and that’s okay, that looking forward to it for tomorrow is nicer than stuffing myself now when I’m already full

so that’s another way it can manifest. and here’s yet another:

I grew up in a household that is, uh, increasingly fucked up about food - - it's worse now than when I lived there - - but I dealt with most of it (along with the rest of the emotionally shitty aspects of living there) by just... mentally withdrawing from anything that wasn't safe. We ate meals together when I was little, so maybe food tied into that, idk.

I'm also autistic and not super in touch with my body at the best of times. So... it was pretty easy to just... forget to eat.

I found some risk criteria for developing an eating disorder sometime in high school, and accurately recognized myself in the parts that were focusing on "perfectionist" and "very focused on self control," so I made a very deliberate effort to Not Diet pretty early on. I was the only non athletic family member (still am--everyone else will run marathons or 5ks together on family gatherings) in part because I couldn't breathe when I ran, and I'm also the fattest person in my immediate family.

I tend to stop eating and think of food as actively unsafe and hostile when I get stressed out, and my willingness to eat tends to be one of the first things to deteriorate when my mental health does. I tend to eat high sugar things when that happens, trying to get calories into me, and that sometimes crashes my blood sugar and makes everything worse.

As an adult, I've also been broke for most of my adult life and very conscious of my finances. If I haven't planned ahead and brought food with me, I often find it hard to convince myself that it's worth it to spend the money on a snack or meal for myself - - which means I skip a lot of meals and then wind up wondering why I'm in a brain fog.

I avoid diet talk very rigidly, in part because I am really worried about what might happen if I picked it up. It's really tempting sometimes to just not eat anything at all, maybe have a Real Problem someone might care about, get that positive validation about my body even though said body doesn't work so great in terms of breathing no matter what.

if any of these experiences, or aspects of these experiences resonate, consider that you may have an eating disorder.

here is one description of what a healthy relationship to food looks like. because we live in a diet culture, it’s often really hard to tell what’s normalized dysfunction, what’s a diagnosable eating disorder, and what is healthy and normal - and sometimes, healthy and normal aren’t the same thing. people with healthy relationships to food will

eat when they want to

eat as much as they feel like eating

eat what they feel like eating

not hold their habits and needs against themselves

give their body as much energy as required to sustain AND thrive

have compassion with themselves for shifting needs - more food on one day is as valid as less food on another.

do not weight- or body-shame themselves or others

respect their bodies capacities, limits, and needs

(one thing you hear when looking for recovery tips for eating disorders is to “respect and honour your hunger” and “to make peace with food” but if your ED is anything like mine, you can see how difficult this is. my problem isn’t a lack of peace with food, it’s that eating is inherently distressing for me and everything else just keeps making it harder and worse.

but you know what would help my ED? eating foods one-course meals (which I do already) and eating things which don’t require assembly or complexity. foods like pasta, pizza, sandwiches, curd-rice, are all easier for me to eat than anything else. i try to snack on chocolate and chips and fruit, because they’re easily accessed and provide energy. my goals for myself are small: eat, as much as you are able to, do not unduly distress yourself.)

don’t punish yourself for having to figure out your access needs around food from scratch. don’t hurt yourself for what you need to eat and what you find easy.you can have an ednos at any weight. remember that more weight is better than less weight - more IS healthier. take care of yourself

recovering from an ednos looks different for everyone because ednos ARE different for everyone. it’s up to you to figure out your balance, but of course there is help and resources available. check out blogs like @heavyweightheart. try to cultivate a body positive and disability positive environment around yourself, because that helps no matter what you have going on. best of luck!

#eating disorder not otherwise specified #ednos #ed cw #Anonymous

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pearlsandopal · 5 years

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Advice on Needles and where to get Started? (I’m full of fear)

I’ve been putting off finding answers about my health for far too long. My whole life I’ve been chronically ill, but because I have a severe phobia of Doctors and Needles I haven’t spoke up about those symptoms and have avoided visiting the Doctor for years. I’m at a point where my health is really deteriorating and it scares me. I believe what I have is possibly POTS and Ehlers Danlos. I had no idea what either of those things were before my little cousin and Grandmother were diagnosed and it’s like suddenly my symptoms make sense. My mom is next in line for her diagnosis, we already know she can pass the Brighton test (?) with the maximum score. I’m not so sure about myself though as some of my mobility is lower than it was when I was younger and in better shape. I can touch my thumbs to my forearms, lay my hands flat on the floor and believe I can hyperextend my knees but not sure... I can’t bend my pinkies back like I used to after having dislocated them pretty badly as a teen. Would that still count having been able to do it no problem? My whole life I was told I’m lazy or a hypochondriac and honestly part of me is still scared of that being true. I’ve never been able to hold down a job due to my health or keep a good attendance at school while I was in elementary, middle or high school.... but with EDS being progressive and with seeing my health really go further down hill I figure I should at least try to get help. I also want to start managing these issues better or at least learn how to better live with them since I really want to be a mother one day. Another issue is that I believe I’m hard of hearing, and I’m scared if I bring up too many things at once that my doctor will dismiss me. Speaking of being dismissed I’m also overweight so I’m scared they’ll just say it’s because I’m overweight even though I’ve lived with these symptoms my whole life. I wasn’t always overweight I was actually pretty healthy weight wise until I had an eating disorder in high school. I was severely underweight during that time and once I recovered I put on a ton of weight.

I feel very stuck and don’t know where to get started.

Does anyone have advice for:

-Getting over extreme fear of Doctors

-Getting over extreme fear of needles (extremely important, my fear is debilitating)

-Living with POTS, EDS, or are Hard of hearing

-What I should say or do at my first Doctor’s appointment in years

-How to get started on the process to get a diagnosis

I apologize for the long post, I’m just at a point where I’m really scared. I’m feeling like garbage every second of every day almost. This morning I felt the joint between my leg and pelvis pop (I think out of place as it popped again and felt better) and I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to stand back up. With the summer heat I’ve been relying on my husband to help me stand or walk as I have moments where I truly believe I’m going to pass out. I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m going to pass out upon standing up or standing for long periods of time not just during the heat but it always gets worse with heat. I feel like I don’t sweat enough, but I heard you get excessive sweating with POTS so I’m not sure. I sleep for hours and wake up still tired, but like beyond exhausted. I need help but I don’t know how to get past my fears enough to ask. Should I make a list of my concerns or symptoms? Will that make me look like I’m trying to self-diagnose myself? Do I already sound like I’m self diagnosing myself? Any advice will be very appreciated.

Even if you don’t have any advice please pass this along ❤️ thank you!

#EDS #ehlers danlos syndrome #pots #potsie #spoonie #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #chronic illness #hard of hearing #deaf #hoh #disabled #disability

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vampireknitting · 2 years

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I posted 24,083 times in 2021

69 posts created (0%)

24014 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 348.0 posts.

I added 105 tags in 2021

#answered ask - 31 posts

#just ugh - 16 posts

#wtf tumblr - 15 posts

#anon ask - 11 posts

#tumblr advertising - 10 posts

#fuck covid - 6 posts

#tumblr ads - 5 posts

#lol - 5 posts

#why just why - 3 posts

#thank you so much - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 134 characters

#plus i’m tired of people telling me i’m both not doing enough and doing too much when i talk about my love for yoga and how much i do.

My Top Posts in 2021

Instead of protecting our daughters, how about we educate our sons to treat women with respect?

At the end of the day it isn’t just “Boys being boys,” when women are getting hurt.

The Patriarchy is so exhausting man, I swear

Go away. We Stan the patriarchy on this blog, we love and respect men and we teach our daughters self defence just as we would sons because abusive people take advantage of those who cannot defend or protect themselves.

6 notes • Posted 2021-03-12 21:16:05 GMT

My boyfriend just came across this and man I wish I could know the rest of this. I want to know the people behind this tbh.

7 notes • Posted 2021-08-26 17:32:36 GMT

So you must think r4cs0 proudly displaying his homophobia, biphobia and dendrophobia is funny, huh? Well you know what isn't funny? He is also a trad Cath baby boomer who supports killing endangered wolves in Idaho, wants Italy to cede control of the Papal States back to the Vatican and says that anyone who disagrees with him should be buried upside down to their knees and allowed to have their lower legs eaten by animals so they can't walk in purgatory. Stop reblogging from that bigot.

@r4cs0 why do they hate you so much?

As an adult woman I’ll make decisions for myself thank you. He’s funny I’ll reblog from him as I please.

What is dendrophobia supposed to be? Sounds stupid.

8 notes • Posted 2021-06-08 23:26:06 GMT

I remember why I started to smoke weed to eat consistently. It’s been like a few years doing it too because everyone around me wouldn’t leave me alone about my weight. I ended up gaining like 100lbs(was just underweight) because I had to smoke at every meal to not get comments. I hate this weight because it makes doing different yoga poses annoying and yoga is one of my main go to for pain management. Ibs, endometriosis and fibromyalgia all take turns kicking me in the gut when I don’t eat very very specific things.

In an effort to do better for myself I know I need to stop smoking, but cramps like me like white on rice. But most medicine for them make me sick and most blame the weed even when I explain weed became my go to because of the pain. At least I’ll be eating most of my calorie goal for today. But man who would have guessed 1350 is hard to get too. Without the chronic use of weed I’ll be like my mom. Hopefully I won’t be as underweight, but man it was kinda out of desperation that I started. The chronic sick that I feel is disheartening. I have switched to edibles so the pain isn’t overwhelming, but I’m genuinely jealous of those who get hungry eating it.

11 notes • Posted 2021-09-17 22:41:22 GMT

Misandry is actually needed for us women and girls to survive in a sexist and misogynistic society and I support it 100%

It breaks my heart that it’s 2021 and us women still have to deal with misogyny and sexism everyday

And you claimed you love the patriarchy and you support men is big Pick me energy.

Wow that’s a whole lot of “I need therapy” coming from you. Now why don’t you do us both a favour and find someone who actually cares.

The whole pick me crap doesn’t do anything. All it shows is your inability to recognize healthy relationships. Oh as well as show case you can’t handle women thinking and doing their own things outside of feminism. Just because I can’t stand women like you doesn’t mean I live my life to please men. I live my life so I can stay home and care for my home and my darling. Why would I give up my happiness as a homemaker so I can pretend to be empowered?

164 notes • Posted 2021-03-15 15:47:33 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #Yay I’m cringe!

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theutiarchives · 3 years

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02. My story, summarized

❦

I'm not sure if I'll do a more in-depth post, this is the very quick version of almost 11 years of Recurrent Utis:

⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

first UTI around 18years old

Out of nowhere. I wasn’t sexually active yet; Not on the pill;

2011-2015 (24-29 years old)

I entered a long term relationship; with regular intercourse, within the first month I had a UTI. They quickly escalated and after 4 years and 10-14 infections a year, it got to a point everything became physically and mentally unbearable. It ended.

2015-2017 (29-31 years old)

I was traumatized by sex. The relationship ended, I avoided intercourse, and the infections stopped for 1 year and 8 months;

2017-2019 (31-33 years old)

‎‎An UTI came out of nowhere in the summer of 2017; I had non-stop infections until January 2019; I did a 6 month prophylactic course of antibiotics; a vaccine; physical exams; dealt with a raging fungal infection that gave me uti symptoms 24/7, that went undiagnosed by the urologist; I was told it was psychological; Couldn’t sleep, took anxiety medication, got underweight, exhausted, hair thinned and started falling, my career suffered; In that time I was saved by my Gyno and all the symptoms went away in 48h with antifungals; After the 6months on abx, the UTIs continued; my kidneys started to hurt in 2018; overall exhaustion settled 24/7; started to have gut problems, with occasional bleeding. Raging UTIs by December 2018, with red dense blood coming out and what looked like blood drenched pieces of skin. Drove myself to the ER.

2019 January > October (33years old)

After the last UTI that took me to the ER I abandoned urologists and consulted a recommended Internist; She immediately switched my antibiotics, the infections stopped. I enjoyed a 9month Uti free period; Small kidney stones detected, 2-4mm, no treatment; Gut issues (some blood) would come and go, colonoscopy came clean but with small hemorrhoids (never had constipation nor pain).

2019 October + November (33years)

2 UTIs, one each month, simple multivitamin triggered

2020 April + May (34 years old)

One time intercourse = Uti. Alcohol = another UTI.

2020 June > December (34 years)

Entered a relationship, UTIs returned non stop; managed to be 60 days without a UTI; Pap smear came back with HPV; Chronic cervicitis; I developed IBS, with my gut bleeding around infections and after antibiotics; growing abdominal discomfort; SIBO problems when taking probiotics; developed a skin problem that got me on oral corticosteroids for 5 months; 9 infections in 8 months, with no-sex-after-infection intervals of 4 weeks. Exhaustion 24/7. Ended the year giving up on intercourse. Body began to collapse overall.

2021 (35 years old)

My body was still very much collapsing in the beginning of this year; still on oral corticosteroids that we’re giving me UTIs even without intercourse; developed persistent Tinnitus, 24/7; can’t tolerate post coital abx (disrupted gut +diarrhea +another UTI); Another colonoscopy: Gastro told me to avoid antibiotics at all costs, my gut continued to bleed after abx. Very changed stools; I managed to get rid of the oral corticosteroids myself, continued to do everything on my power to keep UTIs at bay, but I still had a some more. Last one was about 2 months ago.

⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯

I’m giving my body the best rest and preparation in my power before undergoing Fulguration this October in Turkey, under Dr. Sevinç, Liv Hospital.

Please keep in mind this is a summarized version of 10+y of recurrent UTIs /chronic UTI, and there is a LOT of information I had to skip!

(as an European non-English native please feel free to correct me)

Take care 🌿

#uti symptoms #uti #chronic_uti #chronicuti #recurrentuti #recurrent_uti #urinary tract infection #fulguration #bladder infection #bladder problems

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chfaiq5k-blog · 4 years

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I love Jesus but I want to die: what you need to know about suicide

I was in California on a business trip, just yards from the beach, eating ice cream and laughing as the conversation drifted away from business. Eventually, somebody mentioned a friend-of-a-friend who had died by suicide.

The familiar ache and nausea filled my chest. My insides rattled when my coworker said he didn’t understand what would make someone feel like taking their life was the only option.

I swallowed hard and let out the breath I’d been holding. “I do.” For the first time in my life, I spoke up. “I completely get that. I’ve been there.”

My coworkers stared, jaws dangling in breathless shock. Finally, someone asked what it’s like to want to die. So I told them about the physical pain, the exhaustion, the heaviness. I told them it’s like dying of a terrible disease and wishing I could hurry it up, knowing things would only get worse.

The last two weeks have brought news of too many people wanting to die. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade ended their lives last week. Several of our friends’ kids have attempted suicide, shocking their church communities. Our hearts are breaking with those in such pain.

I remember my colleagues’ faces as my words sunk in. They had never heard what it’s like to be suicidal and they started to understand, at least a little. And I’m reminded how little the church knows about depression and suicide.

We are called to be the light of the world, a refuge for the broken and weary. But if we don’t understand the darkness people endure, it’s much less likely we’ll reach them in it. So here are some things every Christian should know about suicide and depression:

It’s not just mental and emotional.

The phrase “mental illness” makes it seem like it just exists in our thoughts. But it doesn’t. WebMD lists at least 12 physical symptoms of serious depression. Chronic pain develops or worsens. Chest pain, migraines, stomach problems, and a weakened immune system are some common symptoms.

There’s a bone-deep weariness that becomes a constant companion; no amount sleep or coffee can shake it off. When people say they can’t get out of bed because of depression, this is what they’re talking about.

That day at the beach, I told my coworkers about depression’s physicality. Every part of me ached from resisting gravity, as though my cells wanted to collapse in a puddle on the ground. My skin stung like lotion on a fresh sunburn and my throat hurt from the lump that lived in it. At one point, I was seriously underweight because I couldn’t force food down.

Suicide is not a selfish choice.

Sometimes people say suicide is the most selfish act you can commit. But for many battling the darkness, dying seems like the most selfless thing to do. Depression often carries an intense, shameful sense of self-hatred. In those pits, I believed I was toxic and harmful to those close to me. I was certain taking my own life would be a blessing to others.

It’s a familiar refrain. This mom thought her husband would find a beautiful new wife and mother for their baby. She knew he wouldn’t be burdened by her illness and her child would have a better mom. My good friend, Steve Austin, nearly died because he believed ending his life was best for his wife and infant son. Thankfully, he didn’t die. He spent some time in a psych ward, got on meds, and found support he’d never found in the church.

We might not be sad.

Depression isn’t sadness, as this article explains. It’s much more complex: emptiness, flatness, irritation, or a strange numbness. Many people who seek help for depression only report physical symptoms because they don’t feel sad.

For me, I first notice it as brain fog. The world seems to move in slow motion, but I still can’t keep up. All I want is sleep, not just because depression is exhausting, but because sleep is an escape.

It’s not because we don’t pray or read our Bibles.

In 2013, a Lifeway Research study found that nearly 50% of evangelicals believe that prayer and Bible study alone can conquer serious mental illness. Unfortunately, this mistaken belief prevents people from seeking the help they need.

I know this firsthand. No matter how many times I recited verses, asked for healing, and did all the other things I was supposed to do, I still had an illness. I wasn’t miraculously healed.

Of course, our God is powerful and able to heal in an instant. And sometimes, mild depression naturally goes into remission, like cancer, which may reinforce the dangerous idea that seeking medical help signifies lack of faith. Christians need to know prayer and reading hope-filled verses are important parts of a holistic self-care plan.

But they aren’t enough. It wasn’t until I started taking medication and seeing a licensed therapist (pastors don’t receive adequate training to counsel people with depression or suicidal thoughts) weekly that the darkness lifted and my chest stopped aching.

And I’m just as grateful God chooses to work through little pills and skilled professionals as if he waved a magic wand and healed me instantly. He is still the ultimate source of healing and still glorified by working through people.

People serving God wholeheartedly struggle, too.

The lie that those walking closely with God don’t ever have suicidal thoughts or other mental health issues is dangerous because it wrongly casts these issues as sin.

If we believe depression and dark thoughts are sinful, we’re more likely to feel ashamed and expect God to deal sternly with us. But the truth is he’s good and gracious, not waiting to punish us for our struggles.

Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t care about how spiritual we are. I’m sure plenty of devout believers and faithful leaders wish it did. I do.

I was in ministry – serving, preaching, leading worship, going on mission trips, leading Bible studies – but still wanting to die. Still hurting. Still hopeless.

I mentioned Steve earlier. He was a youth pastor when he tried to die. He knew what the Bible said and how to pray. He was well aware of all the “right” answers and appropriate spiritual statements. They just left him more ashamed because the stigma of being a pastor with these issues was too great.

Depression and suicide are on the rise nationwide. We can’t assume that those we love and look up to aren’t fighting the darkness.

We can’t “choose joy” or “stop thinking about it.”

Sometimes Christians tell us to “choose joy” or focus on somebody other than ourselves. There is some truth to this: caring for others and learning to cultivate joy are important parts of a healthy life.

But when death seems like the only way out of an internal torture chamber, those things don’t work. What’s worse, they become a way to mask pain. That’s how I could be involved in several ministries and wear a big smile while I wished for death.

Saying things like, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting,” and spending time with people struggling is much more effective than telling them to choose joy. It allows them to be honest, which might wind up saving a life.

Not sure what to say to someone struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts? Or are you dealing with depression and wish someone knew how to help? Click here for a free, 2-page guide to talking to struggling loved ones.

Suicidal thoughts are intrusive.

They show up, whether we want them or not, like a horror movie playing constantly in our heads. We watch our demise over and over. Sometimes, it’s terrifying. Other times, it seems like sweet relief.

Several years ago, I was part of an incredible church in Atlanta. I co-directed a non-profit and served in the youth ministry; students looked up to me and came to me for wisdom. Nobody knew how much I struggled. They never knew about the horror movie in my mind.

One tough Sunday, I stood alongside my students in worship, doing everything I could to turn my eyes upon Jesus. I told him I love him and would praise him anyway, even if I always felt like that. But when I closed my eyes, all I could see was an image of my body, swinging from the rafters.

I didn’t tell anyone.

We know we’re not supposed to have these thoughts, so we don’t tell.

We know they are not healthy and normal thoughts. We are well aware that they are uncomfortable and frightening for people to talk about. So we fight to suppress them, telling ourselves not to think such hideous thoughts. If we’ve been in treatment for a while, we might be able to recognize that those thoughts belong to the disease. We might be able to recognize them as lies.

But we might not.

We might believe God has forsaken us because we’re so bad.

The disease lies. When healing doesn’t come, it’s easy to believe that God has left. And if we’ve been taught that depression and suicidal thoughts are sinful, selfish, or displeasing to God, we may believe he’s right in abandoning us.

This is why we need to treat depression and suicide with the same compassion we treat other serious health issues. Kindness and encouragement from other believers are rich and powerful; they prove the presence of God and demonstrate his unshakeable love.

You can wholeheartedly love Jesus and be depressed.

If you’re struggling, you need to know your life can be set apart to his purpose and filled with opportunities to serve and bless others. You may still struggle. Sometimes, you might want to die, but you are no less beloved, worthy, or faithful because of the dark thoughts. And, though you may not believe it, it’s still possible to live a full, joyful life in the midst of depression.

It will require hard work and lots of support from trained professionals. It will probably require therapy, digging into painful stuff, and maybe medication. But you can still have abundant life; I know because I do.

I have to take my meds every day, spend time with Jesus in the morning, and go to therapy faithfully. I tell those closest to me when I have hard days and dark thoughts because I am determined they will not win. And a few years into my journey, I still struggle. But my life is beautiful and I’m happy.

You can be, too. But please, invest in yourself. Take care of yourself. Here are a few steps to take:

It’s easier to save a life than you think.

Earlier, I mentioned believing my death would be a blessing to others. But I’m still here because one friend noticed something was wrong and did something about it.

Angela invited me to dinner, took me along to pick blackberries with her kids, and constantly reminded me how important I was to her family. She told me she loved me, it wasn’t my fault I was broken, and God didn’t like that I was hurting. She was simply present in my pain.

On a hot July night, when I was tired of fighting to stay alive, I showed up on her doorstep because I knew it was safe. And her family walked with me through the dark.

When I needed Immanuel, God With Us, she carried him into my life. She helped me believe I was loved and my life mattered.

So often, all it takes to save a life is being Jesus to us – being present, being loving, and being light. Christ is “in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27). You don’t need answers or to be able to fix it. You just need to be present, perhaps help set the doctor’s appointment or just listen. Just be aware of those hurting. Just be kind.

Depressed and suicidal people just need you to enter the dark and sit there with us, your love unchanged. You could be his arms to hold us, his hands to feed us, his voice to tell us we’re not alone. Your love and kindness are more powerful than you know.

Depression and suicide are serious issues, and my heart breaks with those of you facing them.

If you need to talk or you know somebody struggling, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text with someone at the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

Feel stuck, broken, or discontent?

I have some hope to share with you. Can I send you a short manifesto for imperfect lives?

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