#i’m feeling it guys im feeling it again the mania is calling me

[d0d0-b0i]

feeling silly:

-SKETCH REQUESTS OPEN TILL SUNDAY FOR WHATEVER FANDOM U FOLLOWED ME FOR

-(if you don’t remember, just whatever you like seeing from me is also a-okay!)

-(definitely NO promises on me doing every single one i get, just so you are aware)

#i’m feeling it guys im feeling it again the mania is calling me #my thoughts r living they’re converging i will draw 4 u for free because all i can think of is roxy rn and i need a distraction #for when i get home

[jadedxrealityw]

-You Broke Me First- Draco Malfoy x  Female Reader

A/N: This image is based around the song You broke me first by Tate Mcrae this image with have two endings: angst and fluff

Summary: Draco cheated on you months ago with another Slytherin and you broke it off without second thought (as you should) but Draco wants you back

Warning: cheater Draco, yelling, cursing maybe?

House: Hufflepuff

     ♡~🐍~♡

    It had been months since you last spoke to Draco Malfoy. He used to be the person you loved and thought loved you too. You were surprised that he gave you the time of day, but with some chatting and a bit of flirting you fell for him hard. The day he asked you out would forever be a cherished memory. You were sitting alone on the courtyard when he came up to you with white roses. You’d never forget the nervous look he had until you said yes.

    Being official was the best part. He would show everyone your his with sweet kisses or a arm around you. No guy dared to get close to you and you kinda liked not having guys flirt with you anymore. On one of your anniversaries he bought you a necklace. It was a simple silver chain with a beautiful emerald in the middle. It was small and shaped like a teardrop. It had you and Draco’s name on the back of it. You adored it, you still adore it.

    When seventh year rolled around Draco started to become distant, push himself away from you or shut you out, leaving you confused and hurt. He wouldn’t sit or talk to you. At one point you thought it was something you had done, but it wasn’t it was never your fault. It was a late night and Blaise invited you too a Slytherin party, Draco wouldn’t give you the time of day anymore.

    Blaise told you that it was Draco who wanted you to come, it made your heart flutter in hope that he still cared about you. When you showed up Draco was nowhere to be found. Thats until a girl came out of one of the boys dorms screaming about how she claimed the Slytherin prince. She had hickeys scattered across her neck and was fixing her shirt, your heart dropped as soon as you saw your boyfriend walking out behind her, with his black button up undone and  messy hair.

    As soon as your eyes met he looked saddened, but looked away right after. Had your meant nothing to him anymore? Tears blurred your vision as you ran off. Blaise calling your name behind you, but you didn’t look back. There was nothing to look back to. 

   ♡~🐍~♡

   A week later Blaise had apologized for Draco’s actions and said he’d always be there for you if you needed it. You told him thanks, but he rarely ever talked to you after that either. You didn’t blame him. You wanted to be alone anyway. Draco made no attempt to speak to you. One day, you had gathered his things that he had left at your dorm room in a box. It contained his quidditch jumper, the notes he wrote you during class that you had kept and one of his many silver rings. He would put one on you and say one day you would be Mrs. Malfoy. What a cruel joke.

     You walked over to the Slytherin table during breakfast one morning and tapped Blaise’s shoulder he turned to look at you and gave you a smile. He took in the bags under your eyes, that were also puffy and red due to lack of sleep and crying. You gave him a half smile and handed him the box. After that you got up and left the great hall entirely.

     ♡~🐍~♡

     Back to the present. It would have been your fifth anniversary today, why you still kept count? You didn’t know, but it was stupid. Hogwarts was destroyed after the wizard war and it took awhile for it to be put back together, but it happened. You went back to Hogwarts for your 8th year. You were in the program for students who wanted to retake &th year because of the war. You made friends with Hermione, she was pretty sweet.

     One day you were walking around the halls when you bumped into someone “Im so sorry i didn’t-” your words were cut off when you came face to face with the man who broke your heart, with the man you were still unfortunately in love with. Draco Malfoy, why did he have to be the one you ran into on your what would have been anniversary “Malfoy, i’m sorry for bumping into you” you said politely before continuing to walk.

     “I’m sorry” you heard him shout from behind you making you stop in your tracks “I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me, i’m sorry that i cheated on you, it breaks me to this day and i’d do anything to fix it” your jaw clenched. He was broken? he had no fucking right to say that. You spun on your heels and walked right up to him 

     “You broke me first, Malfoy” she seethed in anger. He looked shocked. You had never once raised your voice at him and he had never seen you anger. You were kind and sweet. Your were his little Hufflepuff girlfriend. You were his everything. You were enraged, your E/C eyes bore into him. He looked around before grabbing your hand. He pulled you both into a empty classroom.

        ‘Maybe you don't like talking too much about yourself’ 

     You didn’t care, you needed all this anger out and he was going to listen and shut up “Y/N listen. I didn’t tell you a lot of things when we were dating, but i want to now” he said and stepped closer to you, but you just backed away “But you shoulda told me that you were thinkin' 'bout someone else” your voice cracked slightly. You were going to be a bit emotional about this and you had every reason to be. Draco felt a pang in his chest as you spoke to him. THe hurt coming off of your voice was enough to make him cry.

      ‘You're drunk at a party or maybe it's just that your car broke down Your phone's been off for a couple months, so you're calling me now’

     “Y/N i’m so sorry. Just let me explain so we can fix this. I want you back in my life. You were supposed to be Mrs. Malfoy remember?” he pleaded and went to grab your hand, but you pulled it away. He couldn’t just say sorry and everything would be okay. That’s not how this works. You turned your head away from him “I know you, you're like this. When shit don't go your way you needed me to fix it. And like me, I did. But I ran out of every reason” 

     Draco listened to you speak, a lump forming in his throat. “Now suddenly you're asking for it back?!” you exclaimed and pushed him away. He stumbled back a bit “Could you tell me, where'd you get the nerve?” and pushed him again. Tears ran down your face “Yeah, you could say you miss all that we had. But I don't really care how bad it hurts. When you broke me first” you choked out and pushed him one last time. 

       ‘You broke me first’

     You were in a full mania and back away, you laughed and wiped your tears from your face with the back of your hand roughly. You sat on top of a desk “Took a while, was in denial when I first heard, That you moved on quicker than I could've ever, you know that hurt” she swung her legs as she spoke remembering two weeks after you broke up he went out with Pansy Parkinson, you heard they broke up after his dad was sent to Azkaban. 

     “Swear for a while I would stare at my phone necklace just to see your name. But now that it's there, I don't really know what to say” you shrugged half heartedly as your hand fiddles with the necklace he gave around your neck, you never took it off, you just couldn’t. Draco looked at the necklace remembering when he bought it for you. It was a happy memory for him

     (the rest of the song isn’t needed so bleh)

          ♡~🐍~♡

     Angst Ending:

     You got off the desk and looked one last time at Draco who had tear tracks down his face, you reached behind your neck and unclipped the necklace. You dropped it into your palm and sighed. You finally had closure and got to say what you had wanted to. You walked up to him and grabbed his hand. He looked hopeful for a second before you placed the necklace into his hand and closed it. 

     “Please don’t do this” he whispered, more tears falling down. You shook your head and looked away, letting go of his hand “Goodbye Draco Malfoy, i wish you the best” you spoke politely, which broke his heart. You pushed open the classroom door and walked out. You walked down the hallway a heavy feeling being lifted off your chest.

     After that you felt free and happy without Draco, he still gave you sad glances sometimes, but with Hermione by your side she helped you with it and soon Draco Malfoy was a faded memory and you were stronger than ever. 

          ♡~🐍~♡

     Happy Ending:

     Draco walked over to you and you turned your gaze away quickly. He leaned in and you tried your hardest to not to look “My father forced me to become a death eater” he said making you gasp. He rolled up his sleeve to show you his dark mark and you covered your mouth with your hand. “He told me that people around me would be my weakness and darling. You are my weakness, because your the person i love the most”

     You felt your heartbeat quicken. He still had that effect on you “I needed to get you to leave me, but i couldn’t break up with you. You would know i was lying. You always know when im lying” he laughed quietly “So i invited you to that party so you could see. Paid some girl to pretend to have slept with me. I’ll never forget the look on your face when you saw me” He looked away as you processed the information.

     “What about that hickeys?” you asked, like it was the important part in that sentence, which it wasn’t “Blaise” “Blaise knew about this to?” Draco nods “He was a death eater to, after you left i was to be engaged to Pansy” he groaned. He never really liked Pansy, she was too clingy for him. “When my father was sent away i broke it off and came back here to find you” he spoke softly as he cupped your face with one of his hands “Your the only person i would ever want to be Mrs. Malfoy” he smiles. 

     You crack a smile and lean into his hand, you missed his touch so much. “Will you be mine again Y/N?” he asked, worry behind his tone. If you’d say no he would be broken inside, but he would accept it and leave you alone for the rest of your life. You pulled his hand away and scooted up on the desk, bending your knees and launching yourself at him. You wrapped your arms and legs around the Slytherin boy. Draco stumbled back before wrapping his arms around you tightly “I’ll take that as a yes?” “Yes! You idiot! Don’t you ever do that again Draco Malfoy!”

     “I won’t Y/N Malfoy”

          ♡~🐍~♡

A/N: This one lowkey broke my heart guys, like what in the fuck. Why did i write this? Anyway, if you have a request for Draco send it my way.

#draco malfoy x reader #draco x reader #draco malfoy #angst #draco malfoy x y/n #draco malfoy x you #harry potter #potterhead #x reader #fanfic #fanfiction #x fem!reader #x female reader #blaise zabini #slytherin

[inkdemonapologist]

Some of my doodles for Session Six of our Call of Cthulhu game!! We finally got back up with that potion-maker from Last Loop and tried to explain EVERYTHING to her, since she’s the one who seemed the most ready to believe us last time (Also, we saw her voluntarily possessed by a spirit at one point, so it seemed like it would be a good starting point to explain some of our problems).

This went.... chaotically, as there are 0 tells for who’s talking and everyone was very insistent on contributing to the conversation. The alive versions of Sammy and Joey mostly stayed out of this mess.

ALSO!! WE’VE PICKED UP SOME NEW INSANITIES! Henry has a mania that compels him to draw/document everything he learns (in case we lose memories or loop again), Sammy still has the mask thing, Joey’s picked up an obsession with symmetry after witnessing his body horrifically transformed by a corruption across half of it, and Sammy, after seeing the Star Pool lurker’s indescribably horrible non-ink-demon form, is filled with a terrified respect for it and has become strangely deferential. I DID NOT EXPECT SAMMY’S SANITY DROPS TO LINE UP SO PERFECTLY FOR CANON PROBLEMS, 

Anyway, have some more out-of-context quotes!! Some of these are just conversation because imagining people trying to hold a conversation with three different voices coming out of “Henry” is my favourite thing now.

[Sammy is played by me, Joey is played by Boo (inkyvendingmachine), Henry is played by Maf (inkcryptid), and Thren (haunted-hijinxer) is our GM!]

[Sammy] *summarising* (So we're gonna run by Josephine and see if she has anything that maybe we should know, uh, based on our current predicament, which has gotten even more complicated than the previous time we talked to her, which hasn't happened yet!)

[Alive!Sammy] Is something wrong? [Henry] No! No, everything's fine. Let's go. [Alive!Joey] ...I don't think anything's been RIGHT for a while...

[Sammy] (Are we, as a, uh, unit -- do we have the mask on?)

[Ghost!Joey] There's... three of us in here? [Ghost!Sammy] Sure, that's a normal thing to say!

[GM] Josephine looks like she is trying to figure out what to say, but she is having... trouble. [Ghost!Joey] Have you ever had someone... hang out with you... during the festival? Like, kind of, possession? [GM] She raises an eyebrow, but nods, and says "Yes, that's part of my duty, as a leader of this religion." [Ghost!Sammy] Fantastic. That seems to be happening to us. [Ghost!Joey] We're not, exactly sure how we managed to get... in the past again... but we're -- *points with Henry's non-sketching hand over at the live ones* [Joey] Live!Joey just confusedly shrugs and sips his coffee. [GM] "...Uh, go back a minute."

[GM] "And you don't know how this happened?" [ghost!Joey] Not exactly? I -- [Henry] Sammy fell into a Star Pool, and Joey got killed, or, was a host for the cultists. [ghost!Joey] I don't know if I got killed, but, [Henry] Well, you looked goopy. [ghost!Sammy] I don't know what was going on with me, either; I still seemed to be running around. [Henry] Also very goopy.

[ghost!Joey] So, that's a confusing answer! Um. Let's pretend *points at alive!Joey* that he didn't listen to you, and he went up to the Star Pools anyway, without the potion, and then something happened up there that resulted in whatever is happening to us now, which included us losing our memories and waking up later as the same... entity, but we didn't know for a while, and.... uh... it looks like the last time we saw our bodies that weren't alive and human still, they looked... corrupted by the Star Pools. [ghost!Joey] Do you know what might've happened to cause all that? [GM] "...I think there's a lot to unpack there," she says.

[GM] And, indeed, one of them has turned up a pair of gloves! It's somewhat worn, but they don't have holes or anything. Though they might not match your ensemble. [Joey] As long as they match each other, that's fine! [GM] They do that. [Sammy] (I mean, Henry has-- not to rag on Henry's fashion sense, as a man who's worn nothing but the same shirt and suspenders for twenty years, but Henry doesn't have much of an ensemble going on, really.)

[chatting while Joey's player steps away for a moment] [Sammy] Sorry for making you guys deal with Alive!Sammy; Ghost!Sammy genuinely doesn't know how to argue for this. [Sammy] It's like, yeah I dunno! Sounds like a raw deal! [Henry] Henry also doesn't know how to argue for this, it's like, Hey! Do you want a whole bunch of awful, horrible, terrible memories? ....No? Oh. [Sammy] CANT IMAGINE WHY!! [Sammy] Like, please? I'd like my body back? ...it's your body, we'd be sharing it-- but not like this situation, uh, [Henry] Just please, take... I have... take Sammy back. [Sammy] Could you take this off of my hands, I'm really tired of dealing with it, [Henry] I love 'im. But I need a break. Please come take your lost.... self. [GM] Your wayward self. [Henry] Who's this sassy lost child. [Joey] *re-entering chat* Ah, we're talking about Sammy. [Sammy] OH MY GOSH.

[Henry] I ROLLED A ONE HUNDRED! [Sammy] Henry is VERY tired and distracted. [GM] Henry's sketching again. He was left unattended for a bit and he's sketching again. [Henry] Yup, [Sammy] *sputters* HE CAN'T BE LEFT UNATTENDED, WE'RE BOTH HERE [Joey] HE LITERALLY CAN'T!! [Sammy] THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM!! SAMMY WOULD LOVE TO LEAVE HENRY UNATTENDED!!!

[Sammy] Is the voice familiar? [Joey]  Is it the Lurker's? [GM] A bit...? [Henry] A bit familiar or a bit like the Lurker's? [GM] ...Yes.

[ghost!Sammy] Joey, what do you think it was? [ghost!Joey] I think it has something to do with our situation, and perhaps the fact that-- [ghost!Sammy] "OUR SITUATION" doesn't really clear anything up, that could be a LOT of things right now!

[Sammy] Sammy doesn't want to be back in the actual time we belong in! He's dead in that one!

[Sammy]  I guess it's also Alive!Sammy's turn. I don't, uh, [Sammy]  ...there's too many Sammys, [Joey] (Alive!Sammy just goes WHAT THE FUCK) [Sammy]  Yeah, I don't think he's prepared, when he turns the corner, to find cultists with swords, and Henry immediately drawing a gun and screaming at them; I don't think he's prepared for any of this, or has a game plan for what to do in case this happens, other than just, yelling, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” [GM] at Henry, or the cultists? [Sammy]  ....BOTH????

[Joey] Does Joey know of any way to interrupt magic? [GM] Injuring someone is a good, classic way to do that.

[GM] So, you can do an attack, whether it's with the gun or with your fists! [Sammy] *flipping through character sheet* I mean, I feel like I'm probably not just shooting him, I-- wHEN DID YOU ADD "DUSTPAN" TO MY WEAPONS???

[Sammy] The idea of Joey just continuously accidentally killing people is REALLY funny to me.

[Sammy] This is going MUCH better than the last time that we fought anybody! [Joey] Apparently Joey just needs to be really angry, and then my dice are like, “yeah, you can kill people.”

[GM] *flipping through the rules* Here we go, "Disrupted spellcasting, for example, if they are shot!" Well, okay then-- [GM] ......ohhh. [Sammy]  Uh, [Henry] "Oh?" [GM] HM! ........ let me get a d8. [Henry] Concern...???? [Sammy]  It's probably fine. It's... it's probably fine. [GM] ........ [GM] Uh..... huh. Well. That's an 8. [Sammy]  On the d8. [GM] Yyyeah,..... you disrupted his, casting,,, it's not a serious spell so most of this stuff is not extreme, but I rolled an 8, and that says, [GM] "A mythos monster is accidentally summoned." [Sammy]  WHAT?? [Henry] WHAT??? [Sammy] WHAT???? [Joey] *dying of laughter in the background* [Sammy]  I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS AN OPTION??? OKAY!!! [GM] I didn't think it was, at this level of spell!! [Sammy]  Remember when I said that this was going well? I NEED TO STOP SAYING THINGS.

[Joey] How is Sammy putting on the mask? [Sammy] With his.... hands...? [Joey] No, like, how is it laying on his head, [Sammy] OH.

[Joey] Ghost!Joey would like to turn it so it's like, in the middle of his head. But like, on forehead, so that they can still see. [Henry]  (A fancy visor!) [Sammy] (...you can still see if it’s on the side...) [Joey] (Joey would really like it if we, put it in the middle.) [Sammy] (...I FORGOT YOU HAVE A SYMMETRY THING)

[GM] You felt, when Sammy and the cult leader were both giving the Lurker commands, that there was a kind of tug-of-war going on there, and it seems like the cult leader won that round. [Henry]  Wait, we can give the Lurker commands? [Joey] We're allies. [Sammy] Yeah, we're the host. [Henry]  Oh, um, [Sammy] Sammy asked it for help! It didn't, uh... this is how things always go for Sammy, so, I feel like this is correct.

[Sammy] (...Henry pulls out a gun, someone tries to grab him and he just bashes that person over the head, Joey tries to help by shooting this cult leader to stop him from casting a spell, and this horrible weird bendy monster is unleashed, Henry IMMEDIATELY kneels to this creature, and it starts listening to him, and he grabs the amulet and starts directing it to murder people after pulling the mask down over his face, so, yeah!! I can see that being pRETTY UNSETTLING actually!!)

[Joey] And I've already accidentally summoned a demon, somehow! [GM] This is just how Joey rolls, he just aCCIDENTALLY SUMMONS DEMONS, apparently! Even when OTHER PEOPLE are casting spells, Joey finds a way to accidentally summon a demon!

[Sammy] We do need those; those ARE our bodies running away,

[Lurker, when asked if he can shapeshift] It depends on the host! I didn't do this. It's pretty awesome, though! I feel like this is actually something that was designed to be this way, for the first time I can remember! Deliberate, you know what I mean? [Henry] “Yeah!” Henry says, not knowing what he means.

[Sammy] We're very focused on getting out of here. [Henry] We're channeling Wally Franks! [Sammy] NO! Don't channel Wally Franks! He didn't get outta there he just YELLED ABOUT IT, which is what WE'RE DOING RIGHT NOW!! LET'S ACTUALLY GET OUTTA HERE!

[GM] You guys go around a corner that at least obscures you from immediate sight, though it's good the Lurker is as, uh...... [GM] ........ [GM] ........ [GM] ...uh, for lack of a better word, bendy as he is, [players explode with laughter] [GM] I TRIED, I couldn't think of anything else! [Sammy] NO I SAW THE GEARS TURNING IN YOUR HEAD

[GM] You have a small Bendy. [GM] He's blinking. [Henry] Henry is.... is having, a moment,

[Sammy] We're honoured you're joining us, but we really should get moving?

[Henry] Just let him ride on his shoulders like a kid, that'd be adorable! [Henry] Henry's having SO many emotions right now. He wants to be respectful, but also, oh my god, that's so cute?? and also my OC???? Oh my god??????

[GM] I don't think the Lurker is familiar with the concept of piggyback rides. I mean if he's asked I'm sure he's down for whatever, but, [Henry] Henry's gonna ask the Lurker if he wants to climb on his shoulders and ride. [GM] The Lurker thinks this is a FANTASTIC idea, because nobody has ever carried the Lurker around before!

[Alive!Sammy] Sammy's very pale. [Alive!Joey] You have a... Bendy now, Henry...? [Henry] Uh, kinda! This is the Lurker. [Alive!Joey] “The Lurker”? [Henry] The giant monster? He's... small now, so he's not a giant monster.

[Alive!Sammy] Henry WHAT is going on? Or, whoever you are right now, [Henry] It is me; look, I've been letting the others talk because I have no idea what's going on. I don't know... I just want to get everyone out of here alive. [GM] (What a Henry thing to say) [Alive!Sammy] *snarking* Well, we're alive SO far! Maybe don't run at people with swords, in the future? Might help with that. [Henry] That was Sammy. That wasn't me. [Joey] (*laughing* "By the way, that thing you were lecturing me about? That wasn't me, THAT WAS YOU!")

[GM] The Lurker settles down when it is clear that the hug is not a threat.

[Henry] (I AM LOSING IT! I hope you know what you've done to me!) [GM] (I was not expecting this either but here we are!!) [Henry] (Maybe it was my idea. I can't believe I've done this.)

[Joey] Alive!Joey at some point shows Bendy how to hold the pencil. [GM] He says "Oh, hey, neat!" and has an easier time. [Henry] Oh my god, cute? [Sammy] (*losing it in the background*) [Joey] I was just thinking that if he's sitting next to Henry, and he watches the Lurker fumble with the pencil enough, he's going to just, reach up and-- [Sammy] (I LOST NINE SANITY TO THIS ASSHOLE!!!) [Henry] (But he's so cute!) [Joey] (Well now he's cute, maybe you get some sanity back!) [Henry] (Like petting a cat! You get sanity back from petting the Bendy.) [Sammy] (Yes, he is adorable, I will serve him faithfully.)

[GM] Make a navigate check. [Joey] *rolls terribly* Joey doesn't know where the fuck we're going. [Henry] I missed the navigate check too. [Sammy] Ohhhh boy, we better not get lost... [Joey] Sammy, do you remember where we're going? [Sammy] Oh, don't ask Sammy. Don't ask either Sammy. [Sammy] Alive!Sammy will eventually ask "You DO know where we're going, right?" [GM] You guys..... uh, get lost! Well, let me check one thing. [GM] *rolls* [GM] ... THE LURKER, APPARENTLY, CAN GET YOU BACK TO WHERE HE APPEARED,

[GM] What a useful pocket demon. [Henry] I love our pocket demon. [Joey] I love our son... [Sammy] Joey, [Joey] Firstborn... [Henry] Adopted from a cult! [Joey] We went to Haiti and adopted a son. [Sammy] Sammy's role as third wheel here is getting weirder and weirder.

[Sammy] I can't believe Binoculars is a Bendy fan.

[Joey] (Meanwhile, Ghost!Joey remembers something? There is an inscription on the floor between the laundry room, and Josephine's room, that does not allow the passage of evil spirits. I... don't think the Lurker is going to make it past that.) [Henry] (Ohhhhhhhhh) [Sammy] (Hmm. Also... BRINGING THE LURKER in to see Josephine feels, hostile???) [Henry] (OH... I didn't think about that; he's just my kid now!)

[Joey] (I have literally no idea for Joey.) [Sammy] (Gosh, what a thing to ask... I just have to appreciate, what a thing to ask a Type Three -- "Okay, what's YOU?") [Joey] (Joey looks down at the mask, feeling all of his inner masks,,,) [Sammy] ("I'M COMPOSED OF THINGS THAT MAKE OTHER PEOPLE THINK IM SUCCESSFUL,,,")

[Ghost!Sammy] After you. [Ghost!Joey] Actually, I would feel more comfortable if you went first, [Ghost!Sammy] ...Fine. Fantastic. [Joey] (This is-- I don't know if Sammy can feel it, but this is definitely out of, still thinking about the slight guilt that ran through him when Sammy was blaming EVERYTHING on him, and telling him to keep them out of this,) [Sammy] (I mean, Sammy just thinks this is risky and wanted Joey to be the guinea pig, so, that's nice that you were thinking of him!)

[Sammy] A quick kiss won't be enough time for Sammy to like, stop bluescreening in time to react to this? So, um, uh, he- he just, uh, needs, uh, a- a minute, but he, will be, blushing furiously. I think that's the only reaction! [Joey] Perfect~ [GM] The spirit lady probably flashes him a thumbs up. [Joey] *laughing* Sammy DIES. We did all of this to get him alive again, and he just DIES. [Sammy] SLAIN INSTANTLY.

#call of cthulu: haunted hijinx #when in doubt just keep drawing #sammy lawrence #joey drew #Henry Stein #I get way too much of a kick out of non-henry Henrys #i wanna draw so many of these convos but like ITS ALL JUST ONE GUY #TALKING TO HIMSELF

[toydrill]

answering your questions part 2

I WASN’T EXPECTING TO MAKE TWO OF THESE IN A DAY but you guys are amazing and really fun to talk about theories with so i will, of course, talk to you about this stuff!!!!!!

on with... The Questions... im going to seperate them into little groups based on similar topics

MISC questions

thank you so much ;_; these are so sweet.... 

me trying to do my commissions and apply for jobs but i keep thinking about buttdeal redemption

questions about THE META/WORLDBUILDING

what’s really funny is that right after i got this ask i got another ask that basically answers it

dr. champion’s mental deterioration (and we see this captain elmer in ‘stranger forever’ too) is a direct influence of his length of time living in endless. i’m going to just start calling this the endless effect from now on because that seems to be a good shorthand for the short term memory loss, mania, and psychotic delusions and lack of time/reality perception that being on the island for too long causes

i REALLY like this idea too, but it also brings up a very... scary question: does the island of endless itself have some sort of sentience??? like that would explain it’s VERY specific changes in world logic based on esther and todd questioning TOO much... hmm... i will think on it

OKAY now that i have a readmore to dump about this question in. FUCK anon this shit hurted so much and maybe it’s just projecting but taking this angle for buttwitch really heavily implies a narrative in which she was either a victim of CSA or some kind of manipulation in youth that is now expressed as her hypersexualized appearance (and ego IN that appearance AS the buttwitch, a la “haven’t you ever seen a GROWN WOMAN?”, referring to reggie’s adolescent body as “weak and feeble”, et cetera) that caused her to escape to endless. 

she wanted to be and feel mature without the backlash of society making her feel like she had to wait. maybe she was abused/manipulated and when she was taken away from that situation, instead of being happy, she was just super pissed off that they felt like she wasn’t mature enough to handle it on her own? i also think that there had to be an event during her time in endless that would have caused her to become dormant or ‘die’, which is why when she is summoned again via reggie she’s confused at what endless has become (perhaps this event is when endless decided Fuck Adult Rights, like the last anon suggested???) 

i don’t know. julia vickerman help me

okay this is the BUTTDEAL section

YOU’RE SO RIGHT...HIS LITTLE MITTENS!!!! i also love that buttwitch’s reply, though it was probably meant as like a villainous Quip, sounds SO legitimate. she just sounds like she’s happily agreeing with him.....so cute

PLEASE i feel like it would make understanding buttwitch SO much easier for the main characters because big deal is her only confidant and is the one who is with her constantly. i love the trope of villain lackeys who are also inadvertently helping the heroes ... like the main three talking to him under the guise of giving him relationship advice but slowly learning more about buttwitch’s vulnerabilities and maybe HER PAST? or at least what she tells him. I DONT KNOW. I WANT REDEMPTION. I WANT REDEMPTION. I W

he catches up to her in the woods, nearly tripping over his feet because the damn thing is still...wriggling..., and she turns to him expecting to have to Kill him instantly. he scrambles to offer her her tail back, stammering and babbling about how he didn’t want her to leave without it and she is about to tell him off like OBVIOUSLY i dont fucking need it idiot its not going to just CONNECT BACK TO MY BODY but then realizes...oh shit... henchman material

so instead she’s like. slightly nicer. asks him why he isn’t with the rest of the people on the island shunning her . asks who that little orange haired freak was. and then is like “hmm....i think we can help each other” and he’s just (heart eyes) “YES MA’AM!”

#txt #12f meta tag #twelve forever #thank you all for the questions!!!!!!!! #stay tuned for the next episode of Tai gets to shamelessly infodump for 4000000 words

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

could you maybe do a fic of a member who maybe was becoming or did become an lsd casualty? i know that in the realm of queen in real life that wasnt their drug of choice but im.. it would just be nice to see is all. how they would help and cope and stuff.. maybe with roger? 🦇

LSD causalities aren’t really what they are known as.

Disorders such as Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder are genetic conditions that are usually triggered by a big stressor. Psychedelics are gigantic stressors. So someone who was going to develop the above disorders would have developed them later but the LSD simply kick started that process earlier. A person with no genetic predisposition could trip for a week straight every single week and would come out the other end fine. 

So, with all that said, let’s say Bipolar Disorder runs in Roger’s family. He knows this but the information above isn’t known at the time. So when Freddie acquires a few tabs of LSD, he happily agrees to trip with him. He’d love to open his mind and perhaps change how he writes music. Plus, it’s safe! You can’t overdose from it!

It’s a saturday night, they’re giggling sitting on the floor, prepared for a trip like no other. The put the tabs on their mouth and while neither of them have ventured into the world of psychs before, they can already tell it’s strong. No worries. Nothing bad can happen. It’s all in the mind.

Freddie has a lovely trip. He sees colors he’s never seen before. The world is shifting and wriggling and writhing. He unlocks parts of his brain, parts of his psyche that bring him peace and understanding of himself and the universe (at least that’s what he keeps saying). His skin is shifting and he’s flying. He’s really flying.

Roger on the other hand panicked for 6 hours straight. He keeps reliving things he would rather not remember. He has this insatiable urge to kill himself. End it. He can’t say why, but there’s this tug in his stomach that keeps pushing him towards the window of their flat. Not to mention, Freddie keeps jabbering complete nonsense in something that’s not english. And he looks evil. His eyes are red and black and his skin looks like scales and he knows for sure Freddie’s a demon and he’s been one all along.

Roger’s freaked out and he’s convinced time has stopped moving forward and he keeps seeing shadows and Freddie’s too high to help. 

7 hours in though, Freddie slows down well enough to notice something’s wrong. Roger doesn’t feel any relief. It’s not wearing off. He’s not aware though, because to him, perhaps 2 minutes have passed since they first took the tabs.

Roger’s sobbing to Freddie, telling him to make it stop. He keeps pacing by the window and muttering to himself. He is literally and actually all over the place, freaking Freddie out. 

Like any good tripping buddy does, he calls 999. Although you can help someone ride out a bad trip, sometimes when it’s far too much, the best thing one can do is get the hospital to sedate the person, having them wake up sober. 

Roger doesn’t take too kindly to that, having a fit of his lifetime as he’s loaded onto the ambulance. They’re gonna kill me, Fred! They’re gonna kill me!

The protocol is followed, but everyone is shocked when Roger wakes up just as agitated, confused and delirious. He’s ranting and raving and trying to escape his hospital room. Freddie tells the doctors they only took a small tab. It’s impossible for him to still be tripping. The doctors almost excitedly scorn the two of them, saying something along the lines of Roger being an LSD Casualty. A lost cause. His brain was too fried for much else. To Bedlam with him.

Freddie’s like haha, okay, I’m gonna sign him out and never let you touch him again, toodles.

Freddie, though, has no idea what to do with Roger who really does seem like his brain is fried. In reality, he was thrust into a severe manic episode by the LSD. No one knew that. Freddie calls the boys. They lend a hand.

They manage to get Roger back to the flat, John having to be on jumper watch while Freddie calls Roger’s mom and Brian thinks of stuff to calm Roger down. All the while, Roger’s yelling and crying and trying to push John away so he can jump out the window. They’re all at a loss and Freddie feels guilty. They should’ve just stuck to weed. Goddammit. Now he’s gone forever and it’s all his fault.

Freddie gets in contact with the guy he bought it from and what seems like 30 other acid users, asking them for help. Only 1 has anything positive to say other than “No, he’s permafried. Give up.”

It’s a lovely lesbian gal who spends hours on the phone with Freddie. Essentially, she tells him that Roger was already “crazy” to begin with. The LSD ramped it up to an 11 but it’d go back down eventually. Although her words are a little rough, perhaps she’s right. Maybe it’s just a waiting game.

They say they’ll give it a month. They’ll put Queen on hold and take care of Roger and see what happens. If not, they’ll have to relinquish him to his mother and go looking for a new drummer.

Things are looking dire by week 3. But on week 4, Roger comes out of his severe mania. He’s most certainly still manic, but no longer hallucinating and having delusions. He’s more like himself than ever.

Freddie nearly bursts into tears, hugging Roger until he can’t breathe. The boys are thrilled too. What the hell happened?

Roger can’t answer because he doesn’t remember the past few weeks. He remembers putting the tab on his tongue and then absolutely nothing. But he does know he’s never touching any psychedelics ever again. 

Dealing with Roger’s mania is a whole other ball park, but once Bipolar Disorder becomes a diagnosis used widely, things fall into place and make sense for the 4 of them, especially Roger.

#drug mention #drug use #tw drugs #roger #bipolar!roger #Anonymous #bat

[how-to-survive-a-factory-tour]

How to Survive a Factory Tour - Chapter 4

A Sanders Sides / Charlie and the Chocolate Factory FanFiction

PREVIOUS

———-

OH. MY GOD. YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS!

I... still haven’t opened the Wonka bar. Six days it’s been in my fridge, and it’s still sat there. Uggggghh, what am I doing? Why don’t I just open it up?! I mean, I know it’s gonna be a normal bar of chocolate, no point building it up. I guess I just don’t want to face the fact I wasted money...

Thomas finally noticed the bar. He asked me about it, and I told him the truth, as well offering him the chocolate. But, nope, it’s Thomas, with his heart of gold. He insisted I have it. Said I should get something nice for Christmas. Did I mention it’s Christmas Day today?

Anyway, as I was saying, I still haven’t opened the bar. Is there something wrong with me? Well, apart from the poverty, lack of healthy diet, lack of a proper education, unbridled self-loathing and crippling anxiety.

I know. I need help. Too bad I can’t afford it!

”You need help,” are also Remy’s first words to me after I also tell him all this. I answer with the same response I gave you, but he has an answer to that too. “Look, my parents are loaded! And they think you’re a good guy, Virge. I’m sure they’d pay for you to have a few appointments with a therapist.”

“Oh no. No no no. I am not accepting charity. No thank you.”

Remy rolls his eyes. “Fine... but the offer still stands.” He pulls out his phone and starts scrolling. “Oh, and the third ticket was won.”

I look up. “You’re kidding.”

”Was I kidding the other times?” Remy asks, sliding me his phone across the counter. “Will you please bow down to the esteemed Prince Roman!”

I raise an eyebrow, looking down at the news story on the phone. The subject of the photo is Hispanic, with tanned skin and broad shoulders. Just looking at him, I can tell he likely has a six pack under that white shirt. He has emerald green eyes, as bright as the gemstone, and red-brown hair, styled perfectly to accentuate his facial features. He’s pretty much exactly like those models in magazines that lower your self-esteem by 100% after one second of looking at them. He’s stood in front of a large house – no, let me rephrase that, A FUCKING MANSION – in the photo.

I get this horrible feeling he’s gonna be a self-entitled bastard.

-

As I run on stage, I bathe in the applause of the audience. Valerie and I stand hand in hand, taking our bow. After, the music for the encore plays and the whole cast sings the final chorus of Beauty and the Beast. I belt out, trying to make myself heard over everyone while also still sounding glorious.

The music rises to a crescendo before coming to a fabulous end, and that applause, oh how it drives me! We bow one final time before I look over the sea that is the standing ovation. I spot Dad and Pa and direct a wave to them, when suddenly I see someone throw something out of the corner of my vision. Valerie catches it and I peer over her shoulder.

”A Wonka bar?” I raise an eyebrow. “I thought roses were the traditional things people threw.”

”I guess the Wonka-mania over the past few weeks changed that slightly,” Valerie replies. She pauses before holding the bar out to me. “Here.”

”What? No, I can’t possibly take this! It was thrown to you!”

“Just take it, Roman. You’re much more invested in Wonka’s competition than I am. You want this more,” she presses the bar into my hands.

I look between her and the bar, and then back to her. “Val, if I weren’t the gayest man alive on this earth, I would kiss you right now.”

I plan on opening the bar afterwards when I get home, but when I turn back to the crowd, they all start chanting the same thing, over and over.

”OPEN IT! OPEN IT! OPEN IT!”

Valerie starts chanting along as well and, pretty soon, the cast and crew join in. Everyone’s staring at me, chanting the same thing, asking the same thing.

I grin to the audience before starting to peel back the wrapper, and everyone falls silent. Being on stage, I still feel like I have to treat this like a show and build up dramatic tension, so I peel the wrapper slowly at first, before ripping it off at the last second.

The light of the spotlight reflects off the golden glow and the audience bursts into cheers as I read the slip in the wrapper.

WONKA GOLDEN TICKET

I’m completely speechless, the grin on my face explaining everything I’m feeling inside.

Valerie finally snaps out of her shock. “You know what, on second thought, I’ll have the bar back please.”

I chuckle at her words, pulling the ticket out from the wrapper. I hold it above my head, once again bathing in the applause.

-

There’s a long silence after I finish reading the article about Roman Prince.

”...Nothing to say about him?” Remy asks. “C’mon, sis, spill the tea!”

”Well... I don’t mean to be rude, but- “

”He seems like a stuck-up asshole, doesn’t he?”

”Well, it sounds hypocritical coming from you-”  I’m interrupted by Remy calling me a bitch before continuing, “but I think you may be right. But maybe its not too bad. I mean, I know one good stuck-up asshole, and they’re my best friend.”

”Are you trying to compliment me or offend me? I really can’t tell anymore,” Remy asks.

”You decide,” I shrug.

”So, how many Wonka bars have you bought?” Remy asks.

”One.”

”Yas, queen! You bought one!”

”I bought it ages ago and haven’t opened it, and likely won’t.”

”Less yas...” Remy sighs. “Virge, every time I come in here, I give you a free chance of winning a ticket. Please, do something for yourself for once! I mean, come on, you’re spending Christmas Day working!”

”Says the one who’s spending it buying Starbucks instead of with his family,” I respond. “Thomas needs the money more than me! Look, the bar’ll probably be opened eventually – be glad you got me to buy at least one.”

Remy nods. “I guess...” He takes his drink, pays and drops a tip. “See ya!”

I wave in response as he leaves before turning to the next customer. “What can I get you?”

-

”I could not eat another thing...”

I hear Emile’s statement from the kitchen, chuckling. As I cut the Christmas pudding, I call out, “Desserts ready!”

”Actually, maybe I could have a little more.”

I chuckle again, putting the servings of pudding into bowls, grabbing spoons and heading into the living room. Mum and Dad are curled up on the sofa in each other’s arms. Emile is flicking between channels on the TV, most likely trying to find one of his favourite cartoons. I hand everyone a bowl of pudding before sitting on an armchair, snuggling into my Christmas jumper as I eat.

Once I finish, I feel my eyelids growing heavy. I yawn, stretching, before resting my hands on my full belly. Time for a little nap...

I’m not sure if I even actually fall asleep, however, as the next thing I know, Emile is calling my name.

”Pat! Patton! Look! Look at the TV!”

I yawn, stretching as I sit up. I open my eyes, looking at the screen. My eyes light up upon seeing the news: the third ticket has been found!

Roman Prince, a guy from Spain, has managed to get a ticket. He seems rather fun, telling the story about how he won the ticket like dramatic fairy tale. And he’s into theatre and musicals! I wonder if he likes cartoons...

”You gonna make friends with him?”

I nod. “Of course! It would be rude to only make friends with Logan and dismiss the others.”

Logan Berry... So adora-

NO, PATTON, STOP IT!

*

My friend Joan and their partner Talyn are the only ones who know about my family situation. Because of this, they took the liberty of inviting me round their apartment for Christmas Day. We’re currently all bunched up of the sofa, watching A Muppet’s Christmas Carol in our onesies (Joan in a Pikachu one, Talyn in a Charmander one, and myself breaking the Pokémon theme with my unicorn onesie).

Joan and Talyn have actually offered that I move in with them a few times, as they have a spare room in their apartment. However, I don’t want to intrude. Sure, I already treat it like a second home, but these two are a couple, they need their privacy.

Half way through the movie, just as the Ghost of Christmas Present brings Scrooge to the Cratchits, my phone suddenly vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to see a single message from my brother, a single emoji: 🖕

”The third golden ticket’s been found.”

Immediately, Joan pauses the movie and they and Talyn look over my shoulder. They look confused.

”My brother blames me for him not getting a ticket, despite it only being my fault one time,” I explain.

”Man, your brother’s a dick,” Joan says.

”He just does it to get my parents’ approval.”

”I still think the reasons they hate you are complete bullshit,” Talyn adds. “I mean, seriously?! I’m pretty glad I’ve never met them in person.”

I just shrug. “When I was little, I was this baby who they could dress up and pretend was the perfect child. Then, I grew up and turned into a completely different person. It’s understandable they’d find it hard to accept.”

”I know, but their lack of acceptance is way too bad compared to normal parents,” Talyn continues.

Meanwhile, I google the third Wonka ticket. “Roman Prince... Oh, fuck, he’s a musical theatre geek. Great... That’s not going to be annoying...”

---------

NEXT

Taglist: @clone-number-1, @i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing (added you because you seem into this fic)

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides virgil #patton sanders #sanders sides patton #logan sanders #sanders sides logan #roman sanders #sanders sides roman #sleep sanders #remy sanders #emile picani #dr emile picani #sanders sides au #au #charlie and the chocolate factory au #fanfic #fanfiction #logicality #prinxiety #valerie torres-rosario #joan stokes #ts talyn #joan and talyn

[psyopmyself]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

#bipolar #personal #off my chest #very personal #text

[bagelbussin]

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!

you know what’s really fucking annoying? the fact that whatever i eat stays in my body i gain weight after every single thing i eat it never comes out and it makes me so fucking mad why does my body do this to me idk well i fucked it up but i’m trying to be better and fix it and eat BUT IT ALL J STAYS IN MY BODY. i hate the way i look please the guilt i have around eating food is unreal if my body were to just maybe digest the food i eat properly i wouldn’t have panic attacks almost every time i eat. yk what it feels like no one really cares except for jade hi if ur reading this but besides her no one could give less of a fuck about me and it’s okay i know i’m a lot to deal with i know it’s tiring being friends with me BELIEVE ME I KNOW. i live with myself everyday i know don’t you worry!!!!!!! i think my friends are tried of me and that’s okay i understand it i just idk feel alone and tired and fucking depressed. idk man everything fuckinf hurts and it’s so exhausting being alive. so many of my friends would be better off without me in their life it’s the truth and i just have to face it ya the truth hurts just deal with it you pathetic wining bitch. the other night i sent A LOT of nudes to this random guy i sent him everything he asked for and i don’t even know why i did it i didn’t feel any sorts of good after that why did i do it it’s all i can think about i mean i can’t go back in time and change what happened but i’m really fucking stupid ugh. i feel like no one cares until im on the edge of killing myself which is how it always is but idk i’m really sad and mad and did i mention how much i hate the way i look like i look at myself and immediately start balling why can’t i look like anyone but me i don’t even care about how much i weigh i just wanna look skinnier but nothing is fucking working i wanna die genuinely wanna die am i gonna kms? no i csnt do that to sky boi the amount of trauma that would give her i can’t do it but will i fantasize about it? fuck yeah. i just wanna take a bunch of pills and sleep for fucking ever. that would be so nice or just cutting so deep it doesn’t even hurt and just bleeding out the funny thing is my friends wouldn’t even know if i died or ended up in the hospital. they don’t talk to my parents so they wouldn’t know i wonder if they’d even react to that i feel like they’d be numb or sad for a while and then just get over it cus what else are u supposed to do im not gonna just come to life again. everyone would be mad at me if i killed myself but it wouldn’t rly matter cus id be dead. i saw somewhere that if shit i forgot what it said idk like yeah i actually wanna die im j not gonna do it. when i was at my lowest lowest i’d send audio messages ranting to my friends and no one listened or responded to them which i’m not mad at them for cus they’re not obligated to listen to that and they also have shit going on but god i felt so fucking alone it was a miserable few weeks. i think im gonna stop ranting to my friends cus at this point im so fucked up in the head they don’t even know what to say anymore they probably just find it annoying. im 9 days clean thats fucking sad. people go through such shit compared to me i feel like i can’t even complain. i wonder how different i would’ve been if i continued taking anti depressants. would i be happy nah probably just numb asf. i mean when i took them i felt really impulsive but i wasn’t sad which is better right? idk my mom said i was acting like i was manic and my psychiatrist said that i might be bipolar my depression just overpowers my mania or it’s stronger idfk i don’t think i’m bipolar i don’t have any trama that would like idk wait i really don’t think i’m bipolar no im definitely not sometimes i j get really impulsive and as my family would call me “crazy”. which is fair like what normal bitch bangs their head against the wall 50 fucjing times?? haha me. it’s so funny i feel like everyone’s given up on me cus im just too much so they’ve given up. they haven’t left me and i hope they never do god please im so stressed i have so much

[dancingqueen707]

6/24/18

IAL #36 My VLD S6 review + My Predictions for S7

Hey hello guys welcome to another Sunday and so it’s been a week since s6 of voltron dropped and literally the fandom is dead. If you are from my writing blog my author name is Tidus S. Queen but on my personal account I am Kat. I am going to be telling my opinions about this season and how good and amazing it was

Disclaimer: these are just are my options please respect them if you don't care just dont read the post and have a nice day. I am also giving 0 hate to ships this is just my views/take on the latest season.

Because I am way to obsessed for this show I rewatched S3 to S5 before the season dropped so I knew everything for this season.

My thoughts on Lotor:

S5 cliffhanger was Lotor and Allura going to the Altean world called Oriande to learn more about altean alchemy. Then we learned about lort how he is literally a space indiana jones and zarkon was a prick as a father to him and you feel bad for him. I’m gonna state right now I NEVER TRUSTED NO MATTER HOW HOT HE IS. The first time we meet the prince lotor is in S3 when he literally was teasing the paladins and to see if they can become voltron, but they can't because we lost shiro in the astral plane and he died in the s2 finale. So yeah thanks dreamworks for hurting me in the feels.

One more thing I wanted to point out Dos Santos one of the co-executive producer said that lotor was gonna be like a “justice league villain” in an article and as someone who loves superhero and villains I knew lotor was going in to help voltron with a bigger ulterior motive and once he got it the quintessence he literally played himself because he actually had real feelings for allura but we then learn this season that he killed f the alteans hw saved to get more enriched quintessence. Do i Feel he is not dead? Nope we saw no body therefore there is a total possibility we are going to see lotor in future seasons . Do we think he get a redemption arc like zuko? Maybe there are a lot of possibilities

My thoughts on Allura and Lance :

Another character I want to talk about is Allura guys I felt for A llura for this season so much because she literally got played by lotor all allura wants to do is see her people and altea again. We know that Allura loves her people and her dad and she lost her planet to the galra since the very beginning of this show. The question I have been seeing non-stop is that do you think Allura is using Lance as a rebound ? NO NO NO Allura will never do that to Lance ,and Lance respects her too much to be a douche to her he cares about her he is protective friend ( i don’t blame him} . lance did get friendzone this season yes but he is not gonna be a douche to Allura because he got friendzone. Lance has manners and respect Allura. I love their platonic friendship in my views. If you ship them romantically I respect you

A lot of people are hating on dreamworks for pushing Lance over this season. Hello hi people who are thinking that that is how the vld staff and created story tell the characters arcs in this show. Do I want lance to be happy? hell yess. But Lance can’t just get random happiness as a writer and creator of any story you have to make characters suffer in order to make them grow in a story. I know personally think they are setting up Lance's arc for that reason .In my eyes lance and allura friendship are going to get stronger as the seasons progress.

My thoughts on Keith: FINALLY FINALLY WE GET THE ORIGIN STORY OF KEITH’S PARENTS AND HIM AHH IM SO HAPPY THANK THANK YOU DREAMWORKS. Also keith has matured so much found his mom and probably bonded with we the two years that him and his mom were on space dolphins. I think that Keith need the 2 year gap with his mom. He probably learned stuff for her and he now understands his origin. Keith becoming the black paladin he is now the leader that shiro wanted him to be reference in s2 when they were going to the BOM headquarters. Keith also got a pokemon wolf when everyone else was playing dnd space version. Keith go shiro back and his mom and he has definitely grown since season 1. His fighting scene with shiro was so heartbreaking to watch but he knew how to handle the clone and respect kuro. Shiro is Keith father figure form what we saw in the flashbacks with keith dad wearing Shiro’s outfit from season 1 -2 and their bond is so deep I love them so much. I do believe that Shiro did save Keith and I love their brotherly love I really do. You ship them relatively good for you I am not hating on the ship this is just my opinion on their bond.

My thoughts on Romelle: I love this pretty altean conspiracy theorist who literally busted lotor. I love romelle I hope we see her in future seasons.

Thought on Hunk,Pidge, and Coran : they did amazing the whole season hunk defeated galra with galran policitiscs. Pidge our wonderful pidge saved the universe.. Coran has muscles he looked amazing and did great this season.

My opinions on the 7 eps:

Ep1: Omega Shield

We meet lotors nanny. (she reminds me of space yazma from the emperor's new groove lol”

Hunk learning galra politics are schooling the galrans to stop fighting (im so proud our diplomatic boy )

Ep2 : Razor Edge (more like keith and his mom bonduing ep and I’m all for that”

I love krolia, i love we get keith’s origin about his mom and dad how they met, how she got there

Texas kogane saving keith name from being yorak (lol)

BABY KEITH

They she protected keith from the blast (ahh my heart the feels)

How keith and shiro met (finally i have been waiting since s1)

How keith acted in the garrison (poor boy he fought someone )

Keith gets a pokemon who loves and it is very valid to be (also what's it’s name yorak or keith dad’s name?)

Ep 3:Monsters and Mania

The chilliest ep for the paladins

The dnd ep is my fav. I love dnd i got all their jokes about dnd

Kuro being a literal nerd yass

Lance is an adorable dork and i love him

Pidge growing to defeat coran

Allura looking like a queen being amazing with a bow and arrow

Hunk rocks every look i love how his va tyler labine made him talk man oh and punk friendship is just beautiful

Ep 4:The colony

Romelle losing her brother over quintessence

Her not believing in lotor

The ep allura threw lotor and he deserved and it was right after they kissed

Romelle being a literal badass

Ep 5: The Black Paladins

Keith and Kuro fight was so beautiful and emotional

Keith being the black paladin and has matured so well

I loved this episode too it was amazing the animation everything the soundtrack is beautiful too

Ep: 6: All Good Things

The ep that allura dragged lotor when they were fighting between the dark voltron vs good voltron

I called that lotor was gonna make a bad voltron

Allura summing the blazing sword

Coran needs to wear more muscle tees and show of his muscles more

Ep 7: Defender of all universes

The actual ship that matters the castle of lions has to be destroyed to close off the quintessence field

And the montage yeah that gave me all the feels

SPACE DAD IS BACK

Looking amazing with white hair he is now a silver fox and he gets to rest FINALLY

Allura doing her own version of avatar state to put shiro essence into the clone body

The ending and the parallels . ALL THE PARALLELS THIS SEASON

I CAN’T WAIT FOR SEASON 7 WE GOING BACK TO EARTH

My favorite episode was ep 3 because I love dnd and everyone got to just chill and play game.

My thoughts on season 7

Road Trip season i heard it's going to be from the co executive said in a recent articles

I want keith to play dnd so badly I want him to hang out more with the paladins and be super goofy

Shiro actually seeing matt again

I want to see hunk’s and lance’s galaxy garrison stories

Lance arc might happen

What’s keith pokemon wolf name?

And his dad name?

Hagger is gonna be the new villian along with sendak

I have no idea what else is gonna happen next season but i’m already hyped for it

If you have read through this whole review thank you for reading it sorry it is full of rambles but this is just what I think of this season. I loved it. I hope you are having a nice day, night or ,afternoon and what are your thoughts on this season? Did it make it or break it for you? What do you think is gonna happen in s7 or future seasons? Please like or reblog and follow my main or my writing blog I post these IAL every sunday at 9EST. And again thank you for reading my review.

#I’m A Lerido #IAL36 #voltron legendery defender s6 review

[highyenas]

here’s my take on mania

tw: personal experiences with bipolar depression

overall, i like mania. bishops knife trick, wilson, and church are definitely some of my favourite songs they've made to date. tlotro too, the new has worn off of it but it's still a solid track, and i have emotional ties to it because of the interactions i had with not only pete, but patrick as well due to its existence (i've never cried so much in my life). so that's a pretty special track.

though, there are a few things about it that feel off or incomplete. or unnecessary.. ex: the llamas ,, please no more i can't stand them

the things i don't really like include "are you smelling that shit?", and how they chose the word "boost" for heaven's gate of all things - it sounds weird to me but i've gotten used to it, no big deal. i still can't get really into stay frosty, sadly.

some tracks feel incomplete or too repetitive, champion being the biggest contestant here. it's too generic, its meaning is too obvious, unlike most of their songs. i appreciate the idea it's conveying, though. it released at a time i was fighting with my mom and step family really badly so it helped me through that a lot, but it is still very generic and i can't really get past it.

then - young and menace. i just don't like this track. i remember listening to it as soon as it came out in awe but not in a good way. it didn't feel real. is that what i really heard? at the time of course, i grew to like it because i was just happy they were back making music. do i like it now? not really. - but if you look at the song from an artistic standpoint, as a audible presentation for manic depression, it works very well. i can appreciate the song in that light. my grandpa has bipolar disorder and i've been through at least 4 of his manic episodes - at one point he's as sweet as he can be - the next my aunt is fainting because of how terrified she is of him. the contrast between the soft verses vs the chorus (which i feel like could be shorter with more variation with each) represents it well. but do i think it should have been the leading single? of course not. so many people still have a bad taste in their mouth from it and can't look at mania well because of it. first impressions and all. i understand if they were excited (or rushed) to get something out but i feel like if they just waited until they made a song like tlotro, reviews on this album would be much more positive.

now i don't just have negative things to say about the album, but i feel like a good fan should critique what's given to them, not just take it in blindly and never question the methods, or never theorise on what could be done to improve it. but a fan should also appreciate the values it has within it too, "what makes it this album special?" "what makes this part unique?" "don't you just love how (band member) did this?" i'm sure they appreciate the feedback as well. nobody wants an audience of zombies who still say "thanks pete".

(also if you guys could not comment shit like that on sensitive or serious subjects it would be really great - people seriously commented "not bad joe" on joe's post about his mother's passing.)

track by track review  (excluding y&m and champion since i pretty much covered them)

* stay frosty royal milk tea 

this song left a bad taste in my mouth before i even heard it - im easily influenced by how people hype things and how every yeemo trinity kid was freaking out over the title really drove me away. - but the track itself isn't bad. it's very powering and has memorable, strong lyrics like "the only thing that's stopping me is me". the track feels like someone wanting to become great as they can possibly be but they are plagued with obstacles and downfalls - "the alcohol never lies", "some princes don't become kings", but they recover and keep trying. they're resisting failure. (allusion: it really reminds me of ling yao trying to seek immortality for his country in fmab, ahaha. it fits perfectly. "some princes don't become kings.") the track isn't bad at all, just not my cup of tea. i can really appreciate it.

* hold me tight or don't

i don't have much to say about this track, im not too big of a fan of latin themed music but it's a nice poppy song with lovesick lyrics that go deeper than usual pop love songs. i've grown to really enjoy it. to me it sounds like someone desperately holding onto a lost relationship and being pretty frustrated with how their significant other treats them, but they're so obsessed they don't want to leave. 

* wilson (expensive mistakes)

when i first heard this song on a live recording i fell absolutely in love, the music sounds nothing like i've ever heard before and it's truly captivating. and when i heard it live myself, oh wow. it was amazing. i've seen someone else say this, can't remember who, but they said they believed it was touching on how irrational people with manic/bipolar depression can be. once again, i have personal experience from my grandfather and i really do believe that's what they're trying to do. "i hate all my friends." this is sort of personal and i don't usually talk about mental illness, but this for me personally reminds me of how my grandpa nearly convinced my dad into touching an electrical unit that would have killed him. but when he's on his medication for his bipolar disorder, he loves my dad. i believe the same concept is used here, the narrator doesn't actually hate his friends, the disorder convinces him he does whenever it kicks in. also the secondary title (expensive mistakes). this could be referencing how people with bipolar disorder have a lot of trouble managing their money and often splurge. my grandpa went ahead and bought 2 grave sites for himself and my grandma during one of his episodes. it's not a nice thing to witness.

* church

this song immediately grabbed my intention as soon as i saw the title. i love the music and choir in this song so much, butch's (their producer) bass line is very nice and i love listening for it. also i adore the "if death is the last appointment then we're all just sitting in the waiting room" part. it's a little repetitive but not in a generic way like champion, it has a lot of other things going along in it. - i'm not religious whatsoever but i love religious imagery - it's so fascinating and it's very easy to manipulate it into something twisted. i feel like church is simply referencing how people do absolutely absurd things for their faith and the narrator is willing to do all of those things for their significant other. they are holy. a deity. - or maybe it's just about sucking dick. 

* heaven's gate

when i saw the title track for this song i was hoping we were gonna get some more cult related lyrics. unfortunately not really, but there is a couple that may be referencing it.  "out of my body, and flying above." the heaven's gate cult believed that the body was merely a vehicle your being, (i don't know if they used the word "soul") would essentially leave and enter the next stage in existence, away from earth, possibly on an aircraft, reunited with god. the other one is "go in the world and start over again and again, as many times as you can" the cult believed that god came as a human on earth to warn those of when the world would be recycled, or, restarted. once as jesus, the second as applewhite. a little farfetched, but it's something to consider. - it could also just mean you keep trying to keep your faith but you just don't make the cut for heaven, hinted at in the following lines after it. overall i really enjoyed this song, "boost", like i said, took a little getting used to but it's alright. i really love the music and the bridge is amazing. it's nice to see them incorporate other genres.

* sunshine riptide

this song immediately became my favourite when i heard the previews  - i absolutely love the reggae and i think burna boy did an excellent job. he really spices up the track. this song sounds really pleasant but it's got some of the deeper lyrics on the album in it, blatantly talking about pills, drinking and smoking. it sounds as if this song is guiding you through a manic episode but using substances to mask it - as many do. it has a heavy narcissistic feel to me, burna boy even calls himself "god" at the first part of his verse. it also touches on relationships again, possibly blaming them for the cause of all of their emotions. "you came in like a wave when i was feeling alright." give this song more credit, it deserves it. it truly is a riptide, it's so aggressive and it has so much stuff going on in it.

* bishops knife trick

here it is, my favourite. this song - i can't even explain how much i love this song. it's like a slow rock ballad with a modern twist, it's so beautiful. the bridge makes me break down into tears almost every time. - sadly i feel like this song may be referencing pete's suicide attempt - "these are the last blues we're ever gonna have" - and you probably all are aware what blues mean. ativan. also "im just a full tank away from freedom" i feel like this could be referencing a full bottle of pills to death, but that may be stretching it. on a lighter note, this is totally chicago is so two years ago part 2, just on a sadder note. it's an amazing closer to the album.

many people say mania is too jumbled and inconsistent - i do believe this was their intention since bipolar disorder is unpredictable. though, it could have a better arrangement to flow smoother, perhaps they could've made the second listing for the listening experience, and the original for the more artistic presentation of the album.

is mania my favourite album? no. is mania a bad album? no. is it their best? no. do i like it? yes.

overall, i feel like this album was a success and im very grateful for their fearless experimentation. this era has been quite an entertaining, pleasant experience so far. i give it a 7.5/10

#mania review #mania #fall out boy #fob

[episodeshadow]

ok im still letting a lot of the game sink in and while i had a genuinely good time playing forces theres a couple things i just gotta get off my chest as criticisms.

spoilers under the cut

ok so gameplay wise, i liked it! especially custom hero and tag team stages. modern sonics stages were almost as good, but there were times when reactions wouldn’t happen, or trying to turn was less responsive, he just felt a little too loose and slippery, but still pretty good. the classic stages were alright but after playing some of mania they just felt kinda eh :/

ok

one thing that bothers me is how tails was written... he’s depicted as helpless and can’t fight back, completely ignoring how capable he is.  in sa2 when he thinks sonic is dead his reaction is to fight eggman more determined than ever because sonics not there so he has to act alone.  in forces.. well knuckles says that he lost it a little but its not really said what.. but he isnt helping the resistance.  tails would have been at the forefront of the war effort with knuckles amy and the rest but instead hes off doing god knows what because?? and i know if he really thought sonic was dead it would be a lot for him to handle but i dont think the way they portray him accurately represents that. he only comes back when he finds classic. and anytime he is approached by an enemy he only ever cowers away even though its established he is very capable of defending himself in a fight. i dont feel like this game did any favors for tails. :/

also.. why is classic there? like story wise it just didnt feel like his presence was a big point in the plot, overall tails and classics little side story felt like just that - a side story that didnt quite gel w the rest of the story.  he was added to appeal to the 2d sonic fans but i feel like that wasnt necessary.. we just got mania, and if they hadn’t tried to shoehorn him in the dev team couldve spent more time working on modern sonic and custom hero’s gameplay and really adding depth.  instead, we get classic gameplay that feels just a bit too lackluster and modern gameplay that, while enjoyable, felt a little too shallow.

and thats another point i wanna make, is time.  the whole game feels rushed, both plot-wise and game-play wise.  the game itself is not long, i cant remember how many hours it took but it was not many, the stages were all. pretty short. it would have been cool to see a few more locations maybe? and more variety of boss fights or at least showing up in the stage. like why add chaos in the game and then not use them at all.  shadow wasnt a boss fight but he got his dlc so. metal and zavoks fights were ok too. they just. couldve done more. theres only so much story/cutscenes, with the passage of time just shown as text.  it doesnt really let the player feel  the consequences.  oh sonic spent six months in prison? its fine tho here he is again five seconds and one cuscene later.  it wouldve been stronger if we got to see at least a little bit of what happened in those six months.  how battles were lost. its implied a lot of people died, and while they likely wouldnt have shown that, they could have depicted the struggle.  the heroes fighting against eggman but without sonic they find themselves outmatched and caught off guard for the first time, and they tell themselves its ok its just one battle.  But slowly, over time, they win less and less, they see more and more people in terror realizing that this man who they saw as just a ridiculous scientist whos always defeated is suddenly a much more real threat.  We are told that 99% of the world is conquered by Eggman, but I don’t know if it’s just me, but it’s kind of hard to see that.  I just think it would be easier to get emotionally invested and really feel the sense of danger and urgency if we could actually get to see what led up to the point they were at.  They were all inside one bunker.  How did the whole planet become under an iron grip of Eggman that there were hardly any safe places to group?  I also can’t help but feel like the world was “reclaimed” too quickly.. all you had to do was take out the base and the whole area was free again? was the base the only thing that eggman had there? sure you take out enemies in the area but somehow it doesnt feel quite so impactful.  Although i will admit they do acknowledge this during the end, how the effort isn’t over and theres still a lot or work to be done.

likewise, theres just a lot of elements in the game that seem like they are supposed to be dramatic but don’t carry a lot of weight because they were not given time to stew... sonic was thought to be dead for six months but we don’t see them struggle without him and he seems just fine when he comes out of the prison; he’s ready to jump right back into action.  you could have just said he went on a space vacation and the effect would be essentially the same.

then theres the episode shadow dlc, where infinites “backstory” comes up.  we are told that infinte is a mercenary and was working for eggman, as a part of his army?? he was defending eggmans base, the rest of his squad had already been taken out by shadow.  shadow beats up infinite, infinite gets pissy bc he lost and decides hes not gonna be weak anymore, wears a mask and has the ruby.  Why did he react like this? He yells out that he’s not weak, almost like a mantra, even though Shadow never specifically called him that, just worthless and pathetic (damn, Shadow, chill).  Had he been called weak before? A problem he was already dealing with and Shadow just drove him over the edge? We don’t know. Actually, there’s a lot of stuff we don’t know about Infinite. He’s a guy, he was weak but then he wasn’t, and ? That’s it, the game doesn’t divulge anything about the Jackal Squad, we don’t know where Infinite came from, and we don’t even get to see his face in-game.  Although it could be argued that they left his story vague on purpose so that we could all apply our own theories, but.. there’s just so little to go on.  It’s hard for me to come up with specific questions because there’s hardly anything there to ask about.  

that was the main issue with me, everything was rushed.  i think i was expecting the game to go a lot deeper than it did.  Forces seemed to just gloss over a lot of the kind of details that would have made the story so much more gripping and worth getting emotional over.  Instead it felt more like going over a bulleted list of events; the cover summary instead of the novel.  Maybe I was expecting too much but I do think that they had a lot of potential that just wasn’t used to the best it could have been.  The story was there, it just, needed to be fleshed out a lot more. I’m sure there’s some plot holes too but I can’t remember off the top of my head.  Basically, I was hoping there would be... more.

ok thats what i wanted to say, i know im forgetting things and i dont know that any of that made sense but i just wanted to express the things i felt could have been done better/ be improved... i enjoyed the game despite all these things though and now that i typed up this lil mini essay im free to focus on the positives! :)

#sonic forces #sonic forces spoilers #yea... #my tag

[geek-gem]

Some random Sonic movie sequel stuff

So this is something I wanted to make. Yet I guess for almost an hour or I forgot. I remember my last reblog and that net neutrality is important. Yet I was thinking of reblogging this post about it again after I make this.

This is just random and about that Reddit leak about what the 2019 movies story will be about. I remember talking to myself about it playing Sonic Forces talking about and spoilers basically imagine the sequel well a comment I thought said Metal Sonic and Shadow in the sequel g. But it was about Knuckles and Metal Sonic...or Shadow....just.....

Basically spoilers the leak mentions a post credits scene revealing Metal Sonic which did make me smile. Including today was thinking okay if they are gonna take liberties with the movie which is alright.

I seriously thought of this....just...Shadow's in the movie too but he's important.

Yet was thinking of just....I'll make the joke now.

Sonic: we saved the world from Perfect Chaos and Dr. Eggman and we're heroes.

Dr. Eggman: well guess what surprise surprise, I made a robotic version of you with it's only purpose in life to kill you.

Sonic: oh crap.

Dr. Eggman: not also that I even found out some secrets about a project from my grandfather Gerald Robotnik, stuff about Project Shadow and the Space Colony Ark. His name is Shadow and he's gonna kick your ass too.

Sonic: oh double crap.

Shadow: screw you all, my sister my family Maria died for no reason at all. The world needs to know my suffering of what it feels like to lose family after everything I've been through. Including she was just a kid with a disease called NIDS that couldn't be cured.

Sonic: oh triple crap and that's sad bro. Yet would your sister really approve of that and you becoming the monster you so desperately hate and want to destroy.

Metal Sonic: screw everything, my father doesn't love me, I can't do what I've been programmed to do. I HATE EVERYTHING AND IM GONNA DESTROY EVERYTHING IN HOPES OF KILLING SONIC FINALLY AND MAKE MY OWN DESTINY!

Sonic:....uhhhh a lot of crap.

Knuckles: you guys stole my Master Emerald.

Dr. Eggman: yet Sonic is the villain.

Knuckles: screw that I was forgotten in this joke and the guy writing realized he forgotten about me. Yet that's maybe the story maybe for me to go with me being introduced. Yet even though you have a robotic evil Sonic that should and would make me question you of how evil it looks compared to Sonic.

Metal Sonic: I HATE EVERYTHING SONIC MUST DIE ALL LIVING THINGS KNEEL BEFORE YOUR MASTER! *turns into Metal Madness and to Metal Overlord*

Sonic: oh shit that's a lot of crap we have to deal with. *Him and Shadow turn super*

Shadow: where's the Biolizard right now screw that. In Sonic Adventure 2 I realized I'm a big asshole and becoming the monster I want to destroy so I'm gonna scarifice myself to save everyone. Also the guy writing this almost put me turning super but decided to put it under Sonic's line before me.

Sonic: oh wait Shadow don't do that. I'm gonna scarifice myself instead.

*record sound stops*

Shadow: wait what the hell why. *Shadow looking confused and putting his hands like why or whatever this confused what the fuck face*

Sonic: because so instead of you in a way dying and possibly well will come back. I'm gonna scarifice myself or basically try to destroy or basically some how kill Metal Sonic to show everyone that I'm a true hero. Along with the idea the world is doubting me, their blaming me for Eggman, the battles we've fought that have caused destruction. Including blaming my existence of Metal Sonic even existing. Including me at a point I'm starting to lose myself, some times angry and acting different. Along with believing does the world really need me. But it ends with me realizing I need to do that right thing even if it costs me life. To show I don't care about that but I care more about people.

Shadow:......umm wow.

Sonic: including when the guy was writing my last paragraph before you just talked. He remembered about putting Tikal in here to make sure Chaos from the last movie still had that sort of back story. Including thought I talk to her at times she appears at times and it's weird man still thinking.

Shadow: okay but seriously your gonna die in the sequel the 2nd movie!

Sonic: kind of yet I'm gonna disappear mainly and it's gonna look like I died. But actually I guess the idea some what in the process is me using Chaos Control on Metal Sonic to send him some where else. Yet in a way he some what stabs me and you get a visual reference of you falling down like in SA2 but instead you basically see what is happening to me. While it's close to the ground still in the sky, everyone hears my death scream it's so loud that the whole city hears it's maybe Station Square need to think or Metropolis or some shit. Also probably Blaze in the Sol Dimension and maybe Classic Sonic from his dimension.

Shadow:....you can't be serious.

Sonic: no I'm serious bro or 50 plus years old bro lol don't worry I'll probably be in a different place maybe Blaze's dimension or some shit but the Classic dimension I don't know a Sonic Mania movie seems better first before the third film. Anyway see you in the next film! *Flies off waving his right hand and just smiles as he says that last line. After that Shadow just watches in confusion with no facial expression but just like what even as a very bright yellow light shines like an explosion and Sonic's and Metal's screams are heard and everyone hears too and like Shadow too maybe*

Metal Sonic: oh I am dead or just very damaged just I'm down. *Falls on the front side of his body all damaged and some pieces fall apart too. But in Neo Metal Sonic form too.

Shadow: what the hell was that.

Blaze: seriously what is this.

Classic Sonic: I'm questioning this too.

Infinite: I'm the main villain of the next film. The whole world is depressed that Sonic is basically dead in a way. While me and Eggman rule the world I some how have Shadow and Chaos and Metal Sonic is back with us. But he's real. Yet Tikal is pissed and just appears when Chaos is fake. Also theirs no Zavok because their isn't much of him and we haven't introduced him yet. Including screw you Shadow for beating me up, my team leaving me, and everyone being so happy screw everything, I HATE THE WORLD AND HAPPINESS AND WEAKNESS IM NOT WEAK! ALL HOPE IS LOST HOPE IS FOR THE WEAK AND FAMILY IS FOR THE WEAK!

Sonic: hey you big asshole of a jerk with a cool song still. You and Eggman are going down.

Buddy/Gadget/Rookie: I'm gay for Sonic or something like that or even like brothers like Tails. Yet I feel quite gay for Sonic he really inspired me to be brave and fight back.

Shadow:.....this is just so confusing right now.

I think I'll leave Shadow as that and before Sonic explaining his role in the sequel where Shadow asks about it well Sonic's first big paragraph. I changed the channel to Boomerang.

Basically was thinking of BVS and even thought of, "This Is My World" from the soundtrack. I thought of this at Walmart and even thought of how sad and emotional that would be. Including listened to the track at home which I am at home now.

Also the idea that Shadow is surprised and in a way inspired and shocked by Sonic's scarifice which is something almost like Maria's scarifice and shows Shadow the world's different something and not everyone is bad....

This is BVS but I've finally thought of the perfect some what story okay how we gonna get it through with people of how Sonic is important and how selfless he is and cares more about everyone and it even makes characters think about their lives and how some could change them for the better.

While the Reddit leak it's unknown if it's true or not. It's the only biggest piece of information we have for the movie and I seriously thought of a sequel might be. Even of how crazy it is.

Basically okay or my head like the script I want to see the movie and I'm just happy or still happy theirs some sort of information to work with.

Including it's basically Sonic Adventure 2 and Sonic Heroes into one better or something and remembered Sonic 3 and just remembered Sonic And Knuckles and some shit like that.

Got tags down and almost left the word rags I'm sorry to bother and remember I'm gonna reblog something after this.

#sonic movie 2019 #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #metal sonic #dr eggman #knuckles the echidna #sonic adventure 2 #sonic heroes #tikal the echidna #blaze the cat #classic sonic #infinite the jackal #sonic mania #chaos zero #neo metal sonic #buddy the wolf #gadget the wolf #rookie the wolf

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 13 – The Birth of Responsible Neil Josten

In which our favourite angsty runaway finally starts being useful, Andreil engage in some hot ab-touching, Wymack Knows™ things and I sense yet more Hufflepuffs dawning on the horizon.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

The enw chapter starts and already we have to witness shit that I am decidedly not liking:

Nicky being super fucking miserable.

           “We shouldn’t have come here,” Nicky said, sounding as wretched as he looked. (…) “What have I done?”

NOOOOOOOOO MY SUNSHINE SON

On the long, long list of why I fucking hate Drake’s guts, “He made Nicky sad” is one point I am especially angry about having to add.

You know, apart from all the obvious fuckery.

Thankfully, I can trust my man Josten to stop Nicky from sinking down further into the Guilt Depression Pit:

           “You didn’t do anything,” Neil said. (…) “You didn’t know this was going to happen. None of us did. If we’d known, we wouldn’t have come.”

That’s what I was bloody saying. Thank you, Sir Runaway Angst Lord, for finally agreeing with me on something.

Also where’s this sudden rush of being the voice of reason coming from?

           “It doesn’t make sense that Drake would come here. Higgins was here a month ago. Why wait so long, and why risk it? The police can track a cross-country plane ticket easily.”

That’s……. actually a very good point I had not considered before.

Why was Drake there? To “””make amends””” with his “””little brother””” (my toenails are rolling just typing that word), sure – but why now?

There’s more to this. WHAT IS IT.

No time to deal with this now – for now, we are dealing with Andrew getting sent on a nice lil vacation to Fun Anti-Mania Rehab.

           Kevin fixed Betsy with a stunned look. “It’s too early. What do you think you’re doing?”

           “The right thing,” Betsy said.

HELL YEAH SHE IS.

Bless Betsy Dobson for turning cliché action movie lines into lines that make me actually emotional.

           “Who will take care of Kevin if I’m gone? I can’t trust him wandering around here by himself, and Coach can’t be with him all the time. Kevin’s kind of a full-time job.” (…)

           “I’ll watch him,” Neil said.

BITCH WHAT.

           “What do you think you are saying? What are you trying to do?”

           “Take responsibility,” Neil said in German.

BITCH WHAT.

“VERANTWORTUNG ÜBERNEHMEN”, DIGGAH WAS.

I did not know you vocabulary even included that word.

Our boy??? Is finally starting to be responsible, adult and useful??? WHAT IS THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I AM WITNESSING.

           “If I was going to leave I would have done so at the banquet when Riko called me by my name,” Neil said. “I won’t lie and say I didn’t think about it, but I decided to stay. I trusted you more than I was scared of him. So trust me now if you can. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll take care of Kevin until you return.”

Cause of death: This.

Responsible Neil, where did you suddenly come from?? And most importantly, how can we make sure you don’t transform back into Angsty and Dramatic Neil??

           “You lie, and lie, and lie, and you think I’ll trust you with his life?”

           “Then don’t tust ‘Neil’”, Neil said. “Trust me.”

           “Oh, but who are you? Do you have a name?”

           “If you need one, call me Abram.”

Oh my goooood.

Neil giving out his birth name (or parts of it) to Andrew just adds a whole ‘nother level of intimacy, rawness and seriousness to this exchange.

It also adds another level of I can’t fucking deal with this.

           With so many people watching them Neil couldn’t life his shirt. He did the next best thing and dragged one of Andrew’s hands under the hem. He pressed Andrew’s palm to the ugly scarring across his abdomen.

Touching!!!!!!!!! On his scars!!!!! Which no one has ever even seen!!!!! And Andrew gets to motherfucking touch them!!!! TOUCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Andreil heart is having a fucking rave, you guys.

           “Do you understand?” Neil asked. “Nothing Riko does will make me leave him. We will both be here when you get back.”

IM FUCKNG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember when I had huge Kevandreil feels way back in the beginning/middle of the first book? Remember that?? REMEMBER????

I’m still not set on whether I ship it romantically, sexually or just hardcore-platonically (although I’m leaning to the latter), but just – THE DYNAMICS, YOU GUYS.

You can always sign me the fuck up for a good triumvirate.

And of course, not even Andrew can say no to an offer when it comes in the form of some good ab-touching, and just like that, he leaves for rehab.

Godspeed, my manic murder kitten – please come back happier, healthier, yet hopefully just as full of sass. <3

There’s a little thing at the end of this exchange, though, that is quickly glossed over but that caught my attention, and that is Wymack being a perceptive bastard:

           “Hopefully hearing about all of this (…) will get [Aaron] moving, but who knows when it comes to those two? Speaking of unpredictable assholes, when did that happen?”

           “When did what?” Neil asked.

           Wymack eyes him. “Forget it.”

Is he……….. already hinting at Neil and Andrew having A Thing………….. Wymack Knows™.

Did I mention I love that guy recently? #dicksoutforperceptivebastards

           “What about the season?” Kevin asked. “What about Riko?”

           “What about Andrew? Attempt to think about someone and something else for just a moment there.”

DID I MENTION I LOVE THAT GUY RECENTLY. #dicksoutforcaringaboutandrew

           “Look,” Wymack said. “I know I’ve always told you all to take your personal problems up with Betsy or Abby. I’ve said it’s not my place to get into anything outside the court. I hope you’ve figured out by now that I’m just blowing hot air.”

Grumpy Fox Dad ily <33

Guess who’s back now – Aaron, fresh outta custody.

Guess who’s really emo and angry about the Andrew Situation – Aaron, back to being bitter and broody as per usual.

Guess who’s finally done taking his shit and starts dishing out some reason and sensibility in this mess – RESPONSIBLE NEIL FUCKING JOSTEN.

           “Are you at all sorry?” Neil asked. “You took his family away from him. (…) Do you think Cass will ever forgive Andrew?”

Fair point – I’m all for Drake being Not A Thing anymore, of course (although imo prison would have done the job better than, you know, murder), but there is no denying that Aaron made sure the only woman that ever came close to a mum for Andrew now hates him till forever, probably.

           “I don’t care about Cass or Drake or anyone. What Drake did – no. If I could bring him back from the dead and kill him again I would.”

           “Good,” Neil said quietly. “So now you understand why Andrew killed your mother.”

HOLY SHIT.

Holy shit he’s fucking RIGHT oh my god. I did not see this coming at all (and neither did Aaron) and I am SHITTING MYSELF.

           “You don’t know anything,” Aaron said.

           “I know you’ve got a couple weeks to think about it,” Neil said. “When Andrew comes back sober you’ll have to talk about this. You won’t get anywhere if you start with Drake, so you might as well start with your mother.”

Neil, I am just honestly so, so impressed with you right now.

Just – this. This exchange right there so, so fucking important. I can already see that this will help the twins greatly in finally becoming real siblings, and Neil was the one who made that happen.

It’s been said time and time again how Neil will be the one bringing the Foxes together, and every time I see it actually happening now I leap out of my skin in happiness.

And the key to all of that happening is the birth of Responsible Neil we are witnessing right now.

I want you guys to really, really get how amazing I find this new development. One thing that, in hindsight, really annoyed me about Neil in the first book was how fucking Dramatic, Angsty and Extra™ he was – and I know this made for some good jokes, but it honestly also annoyed me a lot. He was just so whiny. And I know it’s for good reason, but still – I just kept hoping he would one day pull his head out of his ass.

Breaking news: Our boy Neil’s head has now left his ass.

This scene, all these scenes are so amazing because: TFC-Neil wouldn’t have done this. TFC-Neil would have stood there uncomfortably, saying nothing and staring, dramatically contemplating his own angst and his own trauma and why he should run away now and how oh so fucking tragic his own life is.

TRK-Neil does not. TRK-Neil deals with problems other than his own, starts taking responsibility and gets out of his own fucking head for once.

TLDR: FUCK. YEAH.

The monsters (minus one) and the Fox Parents get back to Palmetto, where they’re all reunited with the rest of the team – which is not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, since apparently the story is all over the news and no dramatic retellings are in order.

Also, apparently Matt’s mom bailed Aaron out of jail, as a ‘thank you’ for him helping Matt get clean. Neat!

           “We’re all Foxes. We are a team. What happens to one of us happens to all of us, and we’re going to get each other through this.” (…)

           If it wasn’t so terrible, it’d be brilliant. This was what Dan and Matt had been waiting for all semester: a catalyst to finally unite the team.

Have I mentioned how much I’m feels-nutting every time the Foxy Team Spirit gains some bonus points? Have I?? HAVE I????????

However, it’s not all fun and games (not that it ever was fun and games), as there is Serious Exy Trouble resulting from Andrew being gone:

           “If the ERC decides Andrew isn’t part of our line-up anymore, we’re beneath size regulations. They’ll strike us from the roster and our year is over. (…) Kevin is afraid.”

Dun dun dun duuuuuuuun. That’s a pretty shit situation you got there, mate.

           Neil fixed Kevin with a stony look. “Maybe if you’d stuck around a moment longer you’d understand why I don’t care anymore. When you came upstairs, did you hear mim laughing, Kevin? (…) So yes, even I would give up on this season. And after everything he’s done and every risk he’s taken for you, you’d better feel the same.”

MIKE FUCKING DROP.

With Neil gone, Kevin currently takes the top spot on the List of People Who Need To get Their Heads Out Of Their Own Angsty Ass.

           “Rhemann has taken our side. He offered to speak on our behalf if need be, and he’s helped reach out to the others.”

James Rhemann, apparently, is the coach for the USC Trojans – a team that is so fair and kind they never, ever got a single red card in their entire existence.

I am DELIGHTED. When do we meet those USC cinnamon puffs, give them to me NOW.

           “As of this morning, the vote across the Class I teams is almost unanimous,” Wymack said. “They want us to finish the season.”

HELL FUCKIN YEAH.

           “I want one lap for every time you’ve ever said the NCAA’s never had your back.”

           “Oh, Jesus,” Nicky said. “We’ll be running all day.”

BAHAHAHAHA. I actually had to laugh so hard at that. Possibly because it’s the first time there is a reason for laughter in, like, three chapters.

But also possibly because it’s just unexpectedly really funny.

In summary: The Foxes get to play on, Andrew finally gets the help he needs and deserves, and Neil’s head gets a serious applause from me for being finally free of his ass.

If you like what I do here and you want to help me continue writing, please consider buying me a coffee! Thank you so much <3 

 One last note: New update will be out on Monday instead of Sunday because I’m gone all weekend – I’ll be at a cheerleading event with my friends! I can already hear myself going “That’s Katelyn” at every single cheerleader wearing orange. Wheee!

#nicki reads tfc #trk #tfc #aftg #the raven king #the foxhole court #all for the game #nora sakavic #dicksoutforwymack #dicksoutforperceptivebastards #dicksoutforcaringaboutandrew #honestly the last one is all that matters to me

[mini-zerk-her]

MANIA- SIDEMEN FANFIC PART 4

"After what happened with Mike?" Simon scoffs and I shake my head. "I was seventeen. We were young and it was a one time thing. I'm not trying to date your best friend, he's the one who was making a move at me." I explain as he tries to walk away from me. "I told him he'd have to ask you so he did and you said no, but I wanted you to know that my first response was, not because I got scared. I just don't wanna fuck up again." I admit and he turns around. "I don't wanna ruin your life or mums or dads. I don't wanna be the problem child. They sent me to live with you because Johnny and Nick said no. You barely even said yes. I mean I'm just a big hassle for everyone so maybe when Harry seemed to not care I got excited. He didn't see me as a burden like everyone else does." "I mean Johnny and Nick said no." I clench my hand into a fist as I try not to cry even more, but it gets very hard to stay sober. "And they're my big brothers. They'd walk us home from school everyday and watch me while mum and dad were at work. And they didn't want to deal with me. You were the last hope Si and you almost gave up. I don't want everyone to give up on me." I break down as I get all of these feelings off my chest. "Im not giving up on you okay? I'm not going anywhere. You're not leaving anytime soon, but I think anything between you and Harry has to wait." "I wanna go lie down." I wipe my eyes with my sleeves as I walk from the kitchen to his room. I pull the covers over my body and I keep a pillow close to my face. "Steph should I call the doctor?" He asks. "No I'm just upset. I'm not gonna do anything. I just wanna sleep." "Okay go to bed it's late." --- "You ready to go? Mum and dad are waiting for us." Simon asks and I shrug while pulling my hood over my head and turning to face the wall . "Silent treatment?" He asks and I try not to answer but I look over and shake my head. "What's wrong Steph? It's almost Christmas, smile." He looks at me with a cheery face and I shrug. "I don't wanna see them Simon. I wanna stay home. They don't want me to be there. I wanna stay home. Vik can watch and make sure I take my medication. I just don't wanna see them. I can't do it." "It's family Steph." "No I can't do it. I'm scared and I can't look them in the eyes and let them see the marks on my arms. I can't do it Simon. I don't wanna mess up and it's too soon." I admit and he paces back and forth. "Vik is going home and so are the others. The only person I know is staying is Freezy." He sighs and I nod. "Can you ask if he'll let me stay with him?" "He's gonna say yes so yes but don't give him a hard time or I'll have him drive you to me." He threatens and I open up my arms signaling for him to come close. He sits down next to me and pulls me into a hug. "I'm gonna go head out can I trust you to wait until Cal gets here and actually do what you have to do?" He asks and I nod. "Love you." He grabs his bag and leaves me sitting under the covers all comfy. I scroll through my phone in silence for a while until I hear the door open. "Okay so Freezy sent me here because he knows I've been wanting to talk to you." I look over and I see Harry with his arms up while a smile plastered over his face. "So are you gonna get out of the bed?" He asks and I shake my head. "No come on let's not do this. I don't wanna have to call Simon." He walks closer and I hold out my phone to him. "This was my first boyfriend Mike. This is the reason Simon doesn't want you and I do see each other." I watch as his eye scan over the picture of me and Mike at a Leeds football match. "He died of alcohol poisoning. This party got too insane and I fell asleep on the couch and he was on the floor when I woke up and he wasn't waking up. After he died I stayed in my room most of the time and barely spoke a word. Then I went to Uni and I snapped and apparently it was because of the bipolar but his death didn't help that." "I'm sorry." He apologizes and I shake my head while telling him that it wasn't his fault. "I'm gonna just grab my bag and shoes." I explain as I stand up out of the bed. "Does Simon know?" I ask and he shakes his head. "Maybe I shouldn't go with you. He's gonna get mad if he knows I'm staying with you." I "I'll call him right now and tell him if it makes you feel better." He puts it on speaker and I feel my stomach churn. "Hey so I'm at your place right now. Freezy told me to pick up Steph cause she's staying with us. Steph wants me to check if you're okay with her staying at my place now that you know I'm gonna be there." "Yeah I trust you not to make a move on her considering I told you not to, but if you do, I'll probably find out because she can't keep secrets for shit." "Steph you get your stuff im gonna go chat with Simon." He walks onto the balcony and keep quiet so I can hear what's being said. "Why Simon?" "Harry she's my baby sister. You jump off roofs for fun." "So what? I have a little sister too, but I'm not gonna stop her from dating a guy because he's stupid." "Yeah well I'm protective of her." "If someone else asked to go out with her who wasn't me would you say yes? If another guy, who she met at a bar, asked would you say yes?" "I don't know." "Then why can't I take her on a date?" "You're a pain in the ass. If I say yes will you give up? Fine date her but I'll never speak to you again if you mess up." "Just realize that she needs someone who is there for her. Someone to realize that she may not get out of bed sometimes but it's just a part of her life at the moment. She's not gonna be able to always show up to parties or be your date to events. If you can't do that, you shouldn't get her hopes up." But he did. He already has my hopes up without even knowing.

#sidemen fanfiction #sidemen imagines #sidemen imagine #sidemen #simon minter #miniminter #simon minter imagine #miniminter imagine #zerkaa imagine #josh zerkaa #zerkaa #tobjzl imagine #tobjzl #tobi lerone #ethan payne #behzinga #behzinga imagine #wroetoshaw imagine #wroetoshaw #vikkstar imagine #vikkstar123 #vik barn

[arcs-and-blah]

remember when i made this post about otp in disneyland then said i’d do a california adventures on a bad day? well.... here’s the california adventures part!!

OTP California Adventures HC fluff!!

alright, so they get there in the morning right? well Nijimura just springing to Paradise Pier before the lines get too long and of course he’s holding onto Akashi the whole time. good thing he’s an athlete hehe

they go to Toy Story Mania first bc yeah there’s no fastpasses for that ride. it’s basically astroblaster take two! I feel Akashi would enjoy Mania a bit more because there’s so much to it. high score anyone!

(they come back later in the evening bc Nijimura gotta see and yep the high score still there. heck Akashi beat it the second time through)

afterwards is Screamin’! Akashi’s hair is even worse than when he was in Tomorrowland’s rides. and Nijimura of course been on the ride a thousand times, so he knows when the camera is cue silly faces! Akashi’s just like ‘why’ bc maybe he’d want the photo! doesn’t matter bc yeah Akashi would definitely want the photo Nijimura was cute.

oh no on the ride, they do that count down thing at the pier before they shoot you through the ride right? well just Nijimura watching Akashi, Akashi’s like ‘what are you looking at?’ and Nijimura fucking loses it laughing because he’s never see Akashi so startled and discomposed.

continuing down the pier, Nijimura has to stop Akashi from playing the boardwalk games. he does not succeed. Akashi winning toys for little kiddies all around!

they go on Mickey’s Fun Wheel! Nijimura wants to go in the moving cart. Akashi unknowingly gives the okay. Akashi feels lied to when it comes to the name. it’s not fun. he’s feeling so nauseous and as green as Midorima. Nijimura feels bad, but he can’t help but smile as he comforts Akashi.

“Shuuzou, get me off this ride.” “aw come on, Sei. just two more circles. you can do it!”

they give you barf bags in the cart for the moving ones, the mom from the family sitting with them sympathetically passes it to Akashi. Akashi’s never going on another ferris wheel.

afterwards, Nijimura asks if Akashi wants to try the Golden Zephyer. Akashi’s prepare to shove his boyfriend into the water.

they decide to take it slow with Jumpin’ Jellyfish so Akashi’s nausea can calm down. not that they mind the slow ride. it was cute and yeah a nice change of pace! Nijimura points out the ride they’re going on next. and just when Akashi got his stomach back.

Goofy’s Sky School! Akashi sits on the left while Nijimura on the right. this is important bc there are more sharp left turns, so Nijimura cushioning his dear boyfriend during a sharp turn.

OH MY GOSH every time Akashi slides into him, Nijimura gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek!! Akashi’s new favorite ride!

okay now Akashi’s okay to go on circle-y rides. Silly Symphony and Golden Zephyer! which were both actually very relaxing. same with Ariel’s Undersea Adventure!

psst. They overheard a little girl pointing at them like ‘they look like Ariel and Eric’ bc hair color and ADORABLENESS! (idea from something Toki said a while back hehehe~)

okay by now it’s definitely like very hot. hotter than morning sun, afternoon sun. anyway, Nijimura decides it’s definitely time to head to Grizzly Peak for the Grizzly River Run! the two of them take sooo many pictures while waiting in line bc of the pretty waterfall and everything.

Akashi seated spot in the circle makes it so he’s backwards at first. getting unexpected wet when those ‘leaky pipes’ drips over him. also, curled up a bit when preparing the the first ‘drop’ (that tiny one) and Nijimura can die happy his boyfriend is so cute. Akashi is prepared to kill Nijimura himself with how he’s being teased.

jokes on Nijimura. he sat on the side seats and got most wet. well at least that was what they were going for with the heat and all.

walking to their next destination, at a crossroad at Cars Land and “A Bug’s Land.” they got Cars Land. Nijimura know what he doing!

Mater’s Junkyard Jamboree! Akashi returning the kisses Nijimura gave him earlier ( /)//////(\)

they probably go on Luigi’s Flying Tires but i’ve never been on it myself since every time i go it’s always down so i can’t give my thoughts im sorry

finally another fast pace ride! Radiator Springs Racers! Nijimura doesn’t know what to think when their car wins the little race the ride does. i mean, it’s 50/50 chance and all, but seriously Akashi! doesn’t need to do anything and still a win!

now this is what i mean when Nijimura knows what he’s doing. they cut into “A Bug’s Land.” now, they’re pretty much all smaller rides, but that doesn’t mean Akashi doesn’t love the place.

Nijimura couldn’t help but laugh when Akashi compliments the park designers’ work, making it so they ‘shrink’ down to bug sizes and all!

hehe catching ‘It’s Tough to be a Bug’ show~

okay. not time for one of Nijimura’s favorite rides. Hollywood Tower of Terror! Akashi hesitant bc freaking free falls, but Nijimura still taking in right in~

Nijimura not saying anything when they’re going up and Akashi’s holding into his hand super tightly despite his face not super freaked out. Though, Nijimura knows bc Akashi’s eye’s are narrowed.

going up and up and up and DROP “DEAR GOD I WASN’T READY!” ~ Akashi Seijuurou 2k1X

may or may not be based off real thing i did on the ride

Akashi mad at Nijimura yet again for teasing and laughing at him.

Nijimura wanting the photo at this ride bc hIS BOYFRIEND TOO CUTE

Akashi finally on sweet sweet land again, but nope! Nijimura taking back back to Grizzly Peak! They going to Soarin’! (i take offense to anyone who’d think i forget)

Akashi wonders why they didn’t go after River Run since they’re next to each other, but then feels the nice AC inside and yeah soaking wet to AC’ed room probably not the best

now this i can see being one of Akashi’s fav rides too! bc it really does feel like they’re soaring and the artificial wind blowing feels so nice and the scenery is so great and well done Disney hehe~

btw, it’s probably still daylight, yet to went to pretty much all the rides in California Adventures, so they park hop and chill at Disneyland again for a bit. go on a few rides a second time.

oh! maybe catch the Aladdin show! hehe, Akashi poking fun and like ‘well, we can definitely relate to the Aladdin story’. Nijimura like ‘what’ but then caught the jeer about him being a delinquent ‘street rat’ and yeah Akashi freaking rich kid. Nijimura gets back at him by calling him princess

they come back for World of Color at night though and WORLD OF COLOR! they got a good spot bc Nijimura was sprinting to the ticket line that morning before Toy Story Mania and yeah come first for color seating (this and here if anyone wanna check it out bc it pretty! from youtube)

Akashi finds the music and visuals shown on the water so charming and cute. Also! mini animation history lesson!

Nijimura just watched Akashi’s eyes light up before with the fireworks, now he gets to relive it with the World of Color!!

MORE FLUFF AND CUDDLES AS THEY STAND AND WATCH!!

when it ends, Akashi asks if they’re all done with California Adventures. Nijimura takes him to one last ride: King Triton’s Carousel! Akashi laughing at some of the sea creature designs, setting for a cute otter bc OTTERS (yall know how much i love otters~)

when they finally do leave, they exit the park and notice the fireworks going off at Disneyland. so they stay to watch that once more hehe~

this one is 42 points! and yeah definitely brought back my mood again hehe~ never know, i might do a mini Downtown Disney one just in case i get dressed again later. this really does work, but there’s only 2 Disney parks i’m SUPER familiar with

you guys! let me know if you went through this one too! and share other NijiAka in Disneyland hc stuff too! or NijiAka in general! or even other ships you might share with me in Disneyland! actually, i could do that too with other otps hehe~

thanks for reading my long ass hcs if you did!

#another NijiAka installment! #arcs blah

[icarus-tirade]

4.29.2021

Oh boi, do I have a shit tonight

1.) My mom pissed me off so badly cause HOW ARE YOU GONNA WAIT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE TO TELL ME THE PLAN FOR PAYING FOR MY HOUSING FOR COLLEGE?! I ASKED FOR THAT SHIR LAST WEEK AND WE WENT THROUGH LIKE A 3 DAY PROCESS (something that should only take 1 day mind you) SO YOU COULD GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED AND YOU HOLD IN YOUR PLAN UNTIL I FUCKING CALL YOU* AND ASK ABOUT IT AND I FIND OUT THAT YOU HAD DAD DOING IT BUT NEVER TOLD HIM THE FUCKING PLAN?! AND THEN HAVE THE GALLLLLL TO ACT RIMID LIKE IT'S NOT YOUR FUXKIN FAULT THAT NO ONE BUT YOU KNOWS THE PLAN!! AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING BRAND NEW??? Usually what happens when I need money for school is, parents put money on my credit card and then I pay for stuff but this time MOM IS TRYING TO PAY DIRECTLY THROUGH THE SCHOOL?! AND NOT INVOLVE ME, which would be fine IF SHE DIDN'T FUXK IT UP COMPLETELY!!! She tells me it's all been taken care of by dad when I call her today and so I ask to talk to dad cause he sent me some snacks and I wanna say thank you right? So after talking to dad about the snacks he asks me for a link to the school so he can pay for the housing... meaning it hasn't been done yet. And I'm like, well... I'll just type out the convo

Dad: I need a link to the payment thing so I can pay for housing

Me: What link?

Dad: You sent me all your info, and thank you for that, but I need the link too. I don't know what to do and where to go

Me still confused: mom asked for that stuff so I sent it, I don't know why she wanted it and I don't know what link you're talking about

So finally dad calls mom into the room because we BOTH don't know what's happening and that's when mom has a small voice all of a sudden and is like "I thought we could just pay through the school" AND SO NOW IM PISSED AND STRESSED CAUSE IM DESPERATELY LOOKING THROUGH MY EMAIL ANS THE SCHOOL WEBISTE FOR A PAY DESTINATION WHILE TRYING TO KEEP THE ANGER OUTTA MY VOICE AND MY ANGRY/STRESSED TEARS AT BAY DURING MY CONVERSATION WITH THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE STILL TALKING TO MEEEE!!! THEN I FIND IT AND THEY ADD THE MONEY TO MY CARD (my card that's in the truck cause I left it outside by accident) so I put them on hold and run around looking for the keys that papa had in his pocket and Jammie is trying to get me to calm down and explain but I'm pissed and stressed so that's just making it worse* so I pay (and send them a picture of the receipt that mom wants cause I guess she don't trust me now even though I've done nothing to deserve this lack of trust with school money so fuxk her) after getting my shit and go back to talking to dad who I don't wanna talk to anymore cause I'm fed up and trying not to cry

2.) YOU*: they usually call me at least once a week but they been mad silent since last week which is no Bueno cause I need to know if I have the money or not to pay for the fucking fee OR if they have paid for it SO FUXKING CALL ME CAUSE I AINT TRYIN TO CALL YOU! THEY ALWAYS LACKIN WHEN IT COMES TO DOING SHIT FOR ME. I asked mom WEEKS ago if she could get a refill on my medicine and so when I check in today she NOW wants to tell me that there's been complications cause I'm 18 so I kinda need to do it. AGAIN I'd be fine with that IF SHE AINT WAIT THIS LONG DURING ALLERGY SEASON!! THIS IS SHIT I GOTTA KNOW SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING THIS LONG TO SAY SOMETHING?!

3.) Worse*: Jammie LOVES to talk about how trash my dad is depressed or bipolar (he's fuckin not so I really wished she'd stop saying that, IM bipolar so I know he's not she doesn't even know what she's talking about and it irritates me). So when she had me explain what's happening and I rant about mom fucking everything up she starts blaming dad??? She says that they planned what to say when I called and how to act and that my dad is orchestrating the whole thing like,,, no? Were you even listening to me??? So I repeat that MOM is acting brand new and dad and I don't understand what's happening but she continues to tell me that it's dad who's the blame. I tell her dad is not the only bad guy and is not ALWAYS the bad guy, I know he's shit alot of times but he's not always bad he was a good dad once and he still has his good dad moments, but she REFUSES to listen to me! And keeps blaming him and I KNOW it's cause she doesn't wanna view mom, he daughter, as a bad person and wants to put all the blame on dad BUT THATS NOT TRUE AND IM TIRED OF HER PRETENDING!! LISTEN TO WHAT THE FUXK IM SAYING AND STOP LIVING IN YOUR DELUSIONS!

4.) Dad and I were talking and it was fine UNTIL HE SAID HIS DUMBASS STATEMENT ABOUT ME BEEING TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!!! Ever sense I've gotten diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder he's taken that and RAN with it. But he uses it in the sense that sometimes I'm calm and sometimes I'm angry and just negative (disrespectful, argumentive, defiant, indifferent, and rude) BUT THATS NOW WHAT BIPOLAR IS. Its basically on and off depression and mania. But his favorite statement is "I don't know which you I'm getting" LIKE BITCH SHUT THE FUXK UP YOU CANT EVEN TELL WHEN IM SAD EVEN WHEN I HAVE TEARS IN MY EYES YOUR DUMBASS THINKS I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU GET MAD AT ME AND MAKE IT WORSE! He's never said his "favorite statement" UNTILL I got diagnosed so I KNOW IT'S CAP. YOU DONT KNOW ME SO DONT PRETEND YOU UNDERSTAND ME ALL OF A SUDDEN! YOU'RE FAKE AS FUXK! And this was all sparked because I asked if I could watch a show now that I'm 18 and he was like "Wow! She's respectful!" BITCH IVE ALWAYS BEEN RESPECTFUL IM JOT ACTING NEW IM ACTING THE SAME SO WHY ARE YOU TRIPPIN' ??? He said he was surprised I asked because he didn't think I cared about their opinion but literally thats all I cared about!? I acted and behaved in a way that would make them happy and praise me because I constantly wanted validation that I was a good kid, that they loved and cared for me, and that I wasn't a problem and inconvenience because I was alive. SO HE'S FUCKIN STUPID AND THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER I CALMED DOWN. "I dOnT kNoW wHaT yOu Im GetTiNG" LIKE BITCH AHUT THE FUXK UP!! YOU SOUND MAD STUPID

5.) Broski if you see this, I wanna explain my "cowardice" earlier today. Look bro, I view my rant Tumblr as a diary of some sorts. That's why I changed my little description/bio to a quote joke about Journaling from my therapist cause I view this as my Journaling so I can better manage my feelings and get them out in a way that's not harmful to me. With that being said, announcing "Lets read ______ tumblr" is gonna immediately activate my fight or flight. These rants are private and personal to me. I've literally described it as like take a trip or look into the doors of my mind. Sharing my feelings and opinions are always scary to me because I'm afraid of being looked at in a negative light you know cause childhood trauma. You know I'm afraid to share my feelings bro. Let's uh, go back to the question "How much do you trust your friends" and I trust yall a Hella lot but I don't trust ANYONE 100% with my feelings except me. NO ONE. So with that being said, knowing that'd you he actively reading my rant Tumblr with me there was too much and I didn't like it at all. I find that extremely stressful and it made me wanna instantly draft all my recent shit. The main reason I let you look at this Tumblr is because I DONT KNOW WHEN you're looking at it. You might not see it until weeks later so I don't worry about it, you might forget all about it, but if you tell me you're currently reading it or when you're going to read it, then my anxiety kicks in and I panic and fight the urge to edit everything and hide anything that might stand out as weird or bad to anyone else. So yeah, please never let me know you're about to read my rant Tumblr again unless I tell you to specifically look at a post :) also the reason I didn't text you this was because 1.) I never really planned to explain myself cause I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation and it was hard/long to type out or say anyways and 2.) Because of the stuff that happened in sections 1, 2, 3, and 4. I didn't feel like talking to anyone after that.

#i spelled fuck like fuxk because i was typing fast and didnt feel like correcting myself