#i wrote them for myself in 2017 because i felt exactly like this at the time
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Two Ghosts
In 5 - 7 minutes of Behind the Album there is footage of Harry working on the melody, lyrics and recording two ghosts in Jamaica in late 2016. He goes on to moving from 1D where his personal life was overexposed and wanting to write music that was successful without people knowing about his personal life. He has made a similar comment to Rolling Stone “I don’t know much about Van Morrison’s life, but I know how he felt about this girl, because he put it in a song. So I like working the same way.”
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When was it written
On it's release in May 2017 Harry said it was written “almost 4 years ago now”. in Summer 2013, Midnight Memories had his first writing credits, Happily and Something Great, Style was not written then. While possible, Two Ghosts is more mature. I think he thought he “wrote too many songs about” her and changed the time.
By 2019 he'd moved on and he told Rolling Stone it was written for Made in the AM. (Summer, 2015.) That places it with Walking on the wind, if I could fly, Olivia and Perfect, which also refer to 1989. FTDT and Woman are the same period, but don’t have lyrics that ID them like two ghosts.
To me, Two Ghosts is about reflecting on a lost love. The premise os the song reflects the Style MV which has Harry and Taylor shot in a ghostly way. The Style MV was released Valentines Day 2015, the anniversary of them getting together in 2014.
It has only been played live once since 2018, on Valentines Day 2020, further indicated it may have been written on Valentines Day 2015. Harry choose it over Golden when promoting Fine Line on Radio 2's Valentines Show in 2020, (16 mins), the only time it's been played in 4 years now. Harry also played Joni Mitchell’s yellow taxi which Joni tweeted about the anniversary of.
1D was in Australia, HS was flat. Style was #6, named after him and with footage is intentionally reminiscent. Even more interesting that we never saw the Two Ghosts MV, though Taylor referenced it in Me!'s.
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On holding it back to be Solo
From Rolling Stone: "Sometimes if you’re, like, telling a really personal story, then the voice changes every few lines; it doesn’t quite do the same thing. As the songs got more personal, I think I just became more aware that at some point there might be a moment where I would want to sing it myself.”
"A turning point was “Two Ghosts,” a ballad from his solo debut. “’Two Ghosts’ I wrote for the band, for Made in the A.M. But the story was just a bit too personal. As I started opening up to write my more personal stuff, I just became aware of a piece of me going, ‘I want to sing the whole thing.’ Now I look at a track list and these are all my little babies. So every time I’m playing a song, I can remember writing it, and exactly where we were and exactly what happened in my life when I wrote it."
Questions on who it’s about
Nick Grimshaw asked Harry (at 4:38) if it was about Taylor. Media trained, 5 year seasoned TS question dodger, Harry had an adorable reaction. He and Nick are friends, he’s being coy and laughing, answering “I think it’s pretty self explanatory” adding “I think it’s about, sometimes things change, and you can do all the same things, and sometimes it’s just different, you know? 2017, Philosopher, London, England.” Then he laughs and dances around.
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Lyrics
Same lips red, same eyes blue
Same white shirt, couple more tattoos
But it's not you and it's not me
Tastes so sweet, looks so real
Sounds like something that I used to feel
But I can't touch what I see
The song clearly references Style, the music video for which was filmed in November 2014 while they were together and released in February 2015 after they broke up while he was in Australia.
The video is meant to be something he used to feel, that looks real but he can’t touch. It shows Taylor and Harry-stand-in with projections, playing with light and it’s interspersed with home video footage. The footage is thought to be shot in part by Harry, or at least wearing outfits she was pictured with him in.
We're not who we used to be
We're not who we used to be
We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat
In the chorus moves from the reminder of the Video to the memory. Reflecting on looking at an idealised version of his relationship that’s now broken up and he’s grieving.
Taylor had referred to Harry as a ghost in How You Get The Girl “Stand there like a ghost shaking from the rain”
The fridge light washes this room white
Moon dances over your good side
And this was all we used to need
Tongue-tied like we've never known
Telling those stories we already told
'Cause we don't say what we really mean
In the second verse Harry reflects on their downfall, a lack of communication.
Taylor refers to herself as tongue-tied in Message in a bottle on Red “and I became hypnotised/ by freckles and bright eyes, tongue tied”
Harry later refers to being still tongue-tied in Sunflower Vol 6. Taylor also sang about not saying what the mean in Wish you Would: “You think I'm gonna hate you now / ‘Cause you still don't know what I never said”
We're just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat
This may refer to being emotionally depleted, as in Ever Since New York: "Brooklyn saw me, empty at the news / There's no water inside this swimming pool"
Or it could refer to being in an ever shrinking microscope, Taylor later used a Snowglobe and Fishbowl in the Lover Video to represent being on display together.
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Parabatai love: platonic, romantic ou something beyond?
You know, there's something that's been bugging me ever since I joined the TSC fandom in 2017, which is the way some fans get outraged when someone ships parabatai as a romantic couple. I know there are high controversies of what exactly the parabatai bond is all about, so I decided to give my opinion on it.
First of all, I'm not here to force you to like them romantically (because I myself am PASSIONATE about platonic connections), but rather to try to understand together how their bonding works.
There is a law that forbids them to love each other romantically, as old as any other Shadowhunters' law. And where there is a law, there are reasons. Jem explains a bit in TDA about the reason, and that the connection that exists between parabatai unleashes a man-made power, with no direct relation to the angels, which makes parabatai magic dangerous. In this case, it gives the pair such incredible power that it can turn them into either true nephilim (giants) or great mages. But since there is the corruption, in both cases where this happened there was chaos and destruction.
But while reading all of Cassandra's sagas, we come across at least one parabatai duo, from Robert and Michael to Emma and Julian. Several examples, several couples, and the most common thing about them is that one of them falls romantically in love with the other. Not in all, but so far in most cases. For me the reason is simple: the parabatai connection involves both platonic and romantic love.
Almost every time, it is mentioned that the connection is soulful, as if a part of their soul intertwines with their partner's, creating a kind of bond that simply does not exist in the world of men, mortal or immortal. It was a rune created by David and Jonathan with the intention of binding their souls to each other through the love they felt. A soul love is something beyond what we know.
Imagine loving a person so deeply, loving them more than you love your own soul to the point that it is impossible to compare even with lovers and children? Imagine feeling the presence of this person as a part of you that lives outside of your body and brings you peace and happiness? The way Cassandra wrote both Will and Jem and James and Matthew shows that deepness, that overwhelming affection. It is a love that blends the platonic and the romantic, where the characters love each other not as brothers, but beyond that.
So for me it is natural to read the books and feel the platonic affection that made us fall in love with the parabatai bond (and many of us, like me, have someone we consider our parabatai in real life) and also feel the vastness of the romantic love that exists between them. They love each other both ways and are not ashamed to admit it, it is so clear and at the same time a kind of love that those outside the parabatai bond would never understand in the TSC universe.
They love each other more than they love their own souls and that, to me, is the most beautiful kind of love there is.
So yes, do ship them romantically if you want, ou platonic if you prefer. By all means, the parabatai is just the BEST thing Cassandra Clare ever created in the TSC word, so enjoy it the way you want!
#the shadowhunter chronicles#tsc#cassandra clare#parabatai#parabatai love#TMI#The Immortal Instruments#the last hours#tlh#the infernal devices#tid#the dark artifices#will herondale#jem castairs#heronstairs#james herondale#matthew fairchild#heronchild#Jace Herondale#Alec Lightwood#jace and alec#robert lightwood#emma carstairs#julian blackthorn#blackstairs#simon lewis#clary fairchild#tda#michael wayland#simon lovelace
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My life's pursuit is art-making, but I also write fiction for myself for fun. Currently I'm 90k words deep in book 5 of a series I've been writing since 2013. The books were what I needed during whatever time of my life I wrote it in: An escape, an outlet, a different world to put myself in to escape whatever one I was in. I would play out my struggles through my characters, and when they succeeded, it made it feel more possible for me to triumph as well. I initially wanted to chase self-publishing and even trad publishing, but quickly tired of that ambition and took a break writing to refocus on art in 2017. A couple years ago, on a whim, I decided to re-read the books for kicks. It ended up being more emotional than I expected. I had forgotten a lot of what I wrote so it felt brand new. It was surreal at times to read a book written exactly to my tastes. I quickly realized that I had written these books for me-- I made it for myself because I needed it. And I didn't even realize I needed it until now, years later, in hindsight.
That kind of emotional clarity and poignancy is hard to know what to do with-- it feels so important and powerful. I want to share it with someone to make it more real. I just want to thrust it at someone and go "SEE! Now THIS is happening!" and see them as excited as I am about it.
I'm normally very used to playing by myself, as an only child, but I've always shared stuff. I let my parents read my cringe fanfiction, I've shared my art online since 2000... I'm a share-er. I want people to see what I'm doing and really SEE it, you know? Maybe it makes me feel like I belong.
But for now, I'll keep making these gifts for future-me. Future-me will always be excited. Maybe that's the best lesson I can derive from this: the things we make only for ourselves end up being the thing that give our lives the most meaning.
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HER ...... ROCKET MAN
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HER
The story of HER is characterised by massive successes and tragic strokes of fate, by triumph and tragedy in equal measure - but ultimately it is above all the story of a friendship: that between Victor Solf and Simon Carpentier.
German-born Victor and Frenchman Simon met back in 2007 - they were still at school - and the two hit it off like brothers. When they started making music together, their sound was equally influenced by classic soul à la Otis Redding and hip-hop from the post-"Yeezus" phase. They gave their project the name HER in 2015.
Their music became instantly recognisable when the early song "Five Minutes" was used as the soundtrack for Apple's "Shot on iPhone" campaign - which ultimately earned them more than 6.7 million streams on Spotify. The duo from Rennes with Franco-German roots then released the EP series "Her Tape #1" and "Her Tape #2", which were peppered with highlights such as "Quite Like", "Union" and "Her" - which in turn meant more than 20 million additional Spotify streams for HER. Behind the seductively provocative visuals that adorned their covers was a subtly dreamy newer wave sound, minimalist, somewhere between pop and soul, in which jazz elements also flickered - and so the two best friends circled the globe several times, presented the EPs live and also made a decent wave in the States.
So much for the numbers, the impressive successes of the last two or three years - because in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, Simon lost a long, hard, silent battle against cancer, which hardly anyone outside his closest circle of family and friends realised: he died a few months ago, in August 2017.
"The whole of last year was incredibly hard because Simon was so unwell," reports Victor. "For example, it was incredibly difficult for him to do our tour - but he also thought it was important to carry on and give concerts! He just didn't want to give up, he didn't want to stop... he battled with this illness for six years. And we didn't actually talk about cancer or death that much during that time: We wanted to talk about life instead. And now, I think it's my job to continue this line and this approach. It's really difficult for me, but I'm doing my best - for myself and for him."
With the support of his late friend, at least in spirit, Victor went back into the studio and continued working on their debut album "HER", which will be released by Republic Records in 2018. He put the finishing touches to the existing songs and also returned to the stage in between: among other things, he played a stunning, deeply moving set at the Rock En Seine Festival in Paris - a festival, incidentally, where HER had always wanted to perform. More shows followed all over Europe and then the album was as good as finished: "Most of the songs were already finished beforehand; they just needed some fine-tuning on the vocals, the background vocals...", he reports. "It was just important to me that Simon's voice, Simon's vision and his guitar playing remained virtually untouched and really sounded exactly how he wanted them to in the final version. I worked on that."
With the single "We Choose", HER have already released a significant album harbinger in advance: Simon's unmistakable voice spreads out over an extremely minimalist, light and smooth production, meaning that his presence can be felt immediately and his signature is unmistakable. "The strange thing is that this was the very first song we wrote as HER - and also the last one I recorded with Simon," explains Victor. "We wrote it just as our previous band was coming to an end. We wanted to make a real statement with it: that you can't lose hope, that you have to hold on to what you love. We were working on new ideas every day back then, and this song just stood out because we were also about holding on and carrying on - after all, there were people back then who thought we were going to stop completely now that the other band had ended. Well, we didn't stop. And I think now is the perfect time to release 'We Choose': Because even when things are bad, there's still one thing - hope. The song is kind of the prologue to the next chapter. A chapter that will hopefully continue the way he would have wanted it to."
While the band started this new chapter with a sold-out concert at the Bataclan in Paris, the music of HER remains the best and most tangible proof of how unique the chemistry and bond between the two band founders was.
"It's just extremely important that this album comes out," Victor concludes. "It's the only way for me to come to terms with his death. This is music forever, for life."
#her#Victor Solf#Simon Carpentier.#rip#sound of my life#at the olympia#2018#rocket man#so beautiful#Youtube#Colombo Records
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Hey, I'm super tired right now and can't decide which of the unpublished fic asks I wanna ask most, so I'm gonna give full rein to you and say, answer the ask you like best about the WIP you like best! (Hoping for W13 but even if not, I'd like to hear about your writing!)
My dear Friend, have I got news for you. You asked for WH13 and I will give it to you. It's gonna be personal, but I am totally okay with sharing it when people ask, as all my writing is really personal for me in the end and I love all of them.
It was 6 and a half years ago, in April, 2017. An idea of a scene bugged me to death, my mind said THERE IS NO WAY Myka saw coffee in that dreamlike state with the red light in Buried. It had to be Helena somehow. That was the base. What made me actually start it (as always) was a feeling. At that time I was in a relationship for ~5 years and felt the wobble. I tried every thing I could think of at that time but in a lot of sense I was young and inexperienced. This was my therapeutic wishful thinking fic where I sort of made her Helena at the end of Instinct and wrote down what I wanted her to do and/or say. I did not expect I'll actually predict part of the situation but here we are (whoops).
So on a sunny April afternnon I sat down and wrote 6 pages in 2 hours which is I think my all time record still. I would have written more but I had to go for a meeting. Later I wrote some more in the coming days / weeks, I got somewhere around 7k words but I think I only wrote the scene which I thought about a lot later (I do have it, I checked now!). 7 months later we broke up and against my hopes she never found her way back to me. She is better at moving on than I am and when she go together with a guy, I was devastated and even left tumblr and writing for a while. (But not before I wrote the prequel because I am very dramatique and I honestly love this about myself.)
I came back though but my relationship with B&W in reading and especially writing is only starting to recover (hence my decision to participate in the advent) but I do love the people in this fandom.
I have 10 119 words written, the longest I ever had in one fic and I had an idea about a plot that was just forming and I am so sad I wasn't able to write it down but for years it was too close and then at one point it became too distant. I think if I get myself to rewatch WH13 I might be able to continue it but I am gathering the strenght for that :) I think if I ever continue I'll post it in parts where stuff is resolved at that moment and when I finish another plot point I' upload those again. I wanted Helena to start sorting some stuff out with Myka before I throw them in some seriously angsty (but it would be fun too, cause it's me) Warehouse shenanigans and I didn't exactly get there yet.
I hope this satisfies some of your curiosity, I honestly feel I wanted to talk about it so thanks for "making me" :)
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Why I Betrayed My Best Friend
One of my very first posts on this blog was a three part series I wrote back in 2017 about the end of my relationship with my best friend, “Rachel.” Re-reading it now, I cannot believe there was any reality in which I thought I wasn’t the villain of that story. Crazy.
But I’ve left those posts up. Not because I’m proud of anything in them, but because that’s who I was then, and those were my feelings at the time. I still have them up partially to act as a time capsule of sorts, partially to show how much I’ve grown, but mostly because I think it’s important to be honest about your mistakes, no matter how shameful. (Within reason, of course.)
I am not going to recap those posts in their entirety. But the gist is that I dated my best friend’s abusive ex. It’s important to note that I had no idea he was abusive at the time. I knew their relationship was unhealthy, but that was all. I had no idea how horrifically he treated her until after he and I broke up. I don’t blame my best friend for that. It was not her obligation to tell me, and she shouldn’t have worried about me dating him being a factor at all. She needed to process that relationship in her own time, and I in no way blame her for my dating him.
I will also add that there was no overlap. I would never do that to the people I love, ever. They had been broken up for six months before he and I got together and she was already dating someone else. Again, it shouldn’t have mattered, I simply shouldn’t have dated him in the first place. But I want to make sure I add this detail in here because I’m not a complete monster. I hear stories about people sleeping with their friends’ partners and I just can’t even begin to imagine how anyone could do that to someone they claimed to care about.
Even so, what I did was wrong. Honestly, it’s my deepest regret. Yes, of course I regret my relationship with “Kevin” because of how he abused and traumatized me, but I regret it a lot more because of how badly I hurt Rachel. She is such a pure, good-hearted woman, and I love her so much. I will never forgive myself for putting her through what I did, even if she has.
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So...why did I do it? Why did I date my best friend’s ex? While there were some relevant factors (or at least, it felt like it there were at the time), it really just boils down to the simple fact that Kevin is a narcissist.
I’ve heard people say that you don’t realize you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse until you’re out of it. Having been in two abusive relationships, I think that’s largely true. Looking back on our entire relationship, all of it, from beginning to end, including our “friendship” and after we were broken up, I can see everything Kevin did for what it was - manipulation.
Kevin and I were friends for four months before things became physical, and only one of those months was in person! We weren’t just friends either, we were “BEST friends.” And then suddenly we were a lot more than friends. And then suddenly I was in love with him. (Or I thought I was.) The craziest thing is I literally never saw him in a sexual or romantic way AT ALL, and then one day I did. I can’t even pinpoint exactly when that shift happened, only a series of moments that led to it. It’s honestly all kind of a blur now, but that could be traumatic repression.
It is absolutely insane to me to think about the fact that he was in my life again for FOUR MONTHS and it was “my best friend Kevin this” “my best friend Kevin that”. But we weren’t best friends. Honestly, I don’t think we were ever even really friends, period. He just love-bombed the ever-loving fuck out of me over a short period of time until I was convinced we were soul mates. But he didn’t just love-bomb me. He love-bombed me the way only a narcissist can.
He became exactly who he knew I would fall for. He became the person he knew I craved, someone who would deliver me from my specific brand of trauma, who would fulfill all my needs, someone who could see and understand me, having never felt seen or understood my whole life. He molded himself into the perfect bait, and when he finally caught me, that mirage flickered and vanished over the course of about six months.
I think back to March of 2016, the first time Kevin and I hung out in person after I reached out. I hadn’t seen him in close to four years, and we had only been speaking again for about three months at that point. We spent the whole night talking, and before we went our separate ways, he asked if he could kiss me. I politely declined, saying it would not be a good idea, and he pivoted by saying he meant on the cheek. I knew he did not mean on the cheek, and he knew that I knew he did not mean on the cheek. But I allowed him that much, because I respected his boldness, and thought the whole thing was rather sweet, if a little corny.
Knowing everything I know now, I can see how sinister the whole exchange actually was. It’s obvious that Kevin was never interested in an true friendship with me. He wanted more from the beginning, maybe even from the moment I reached out to him. It’s just another reminder that he never saw me as a real person, only a supply.
I can’t help but wonder if he saw my allowing him to peck me on the cheek as a green light. That it was just enough wiggle room for him to feel like he could win me over. There is a part of me that believes, had I held my ground and told him no, we would have hung out a few more times and then the friendship would have petered out, because Kevin wouldn’t have seen me as a malleable target. Maybe things never would have escalated, simply because he would have seen it as too much work.
All of this to say: I dated Kevin, and I broke my best friend’s heart, because Kevin wanted me to. He was cunning, manipulative, and calculated. He knew what he wanted and he knew exactly who he needed to become to get it from me. And unfortunately, I was a traumatized, 22-year-old, undiagnosed autistic who was still easy to manipulate.
Yes, I still made the choice, and it was my choice to make. I’m not attempting to shirk responsibility. I hurt my best friend in a way no one ever should, and I’m going to live with that. But I’m also trying to forgive myself, and I feel that acknowledging what led me to make that horrible mistake is an important part of that process. Truthfully, I have no idea why Rachel chose to forgive me. (Some days I'm not sure she really has.) But I do wonder if this was the reason why. Because she knows better than anyone what Kevin is like. After all, he did the same thing to her. He became who he knew she needed so she would fall for him. So maybe she understands why I fell for him too, and maybe that’s how she was able to forgive me.
I hope I can forgive myself one day.
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Day 26 of the Unitober challenge is a free day. So, here goes…
Back in the year of 2017, when the Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga remake was released and Minecraft: Story Mode was still pretty big, I was young and ambitious, and I wanted to be a video game developer. I took a computer class at my junior high school to learn the basics of it, but as the school year went by, I realized that I didn’t exactly have what it took. Coding wasn’t something I could easily learn.
And that’s okay. I found something better to be passionate about in life when this show first aired.
The very first episode of Unikitty aired on October 27, 2017, right before Halloween. Right afterwards, in November and December, the second and third episodes aired. No Day Like Snow Day was my first episode; I watched it when it first came out. Later, on New Years’ Day 2018, the show officially premiered, and let me tell you what happened then.
I fell in love with the show, its characters, its wackiness, and pretty much everything else about it really quickly.
What exactly was the appeal? Well, earlier in my life, when I was about 9 or 10, I was into the Lego Movie. Who was my favorite character? Who do you think? OG Unikitty was the only LEGO Movie character I remember trying to draw. There was just something about her that made me feel sweet inside. I used to ship her with an “OC” (if you can even call it that) named “Horsepuppy,” which was basically just a horse-dog hybrid with no personality. Other “characters” from that time were “Pegabunny,” “Turtlebird” and “Geckofly”. They didn’t have personalities either.
So, that’s where that came from. A few days after the show dropped episodes 4-9, I started writing a dumb little fanfiction called “Broken and Frozen.” The very first draft began with an edgy, sad poem written by my first OC, Germafrost, as the prologue. That fanfiction has gone through many drafts and has morphed into an idea for a series. A week or so after I started writing it, I began to write random things in my notes app, pretending to have a Wattpad account because I didn’t have one yet but wanted it badly.
Unikitty was what I would write about 90% of the time, although I occasionally talked about Minecraft: Story Mode stuff and other things. As the months went by, I came up with more ideas and more OCs. I drew fanart, made not-so-cool memes (all but one), talked about other people’s fanarts, talked a bit about what went on in my life, and squealed over Foxodile. It took me a while to squeal over Frock as well, but I’m happy to say that I did! I also came up with a bunch of episode ideas, but I’m not all that serious about them. There are so many more things I wrote in my Notes out of my love for the show.
Eventually, I did get a Wattpad account and a DeviantArt account as well. You can find plenty of Unikitty-related posts and artwork there.
A lot of the ideas I thought up for my fanmade characters are still canon about them today. Other ideas, I’ve let go of. And there are a LOT of ideas I had to scrap.
I got the Sparkle Party DVD in September of 2018, and it’s now a personal treasure of mine.
Even though this show might be over now, I hope that people will still continue to talk about it. This show means the world to me and that is a fact. It’s inspired me to keep drawing to make my art skills the best they can be. It’s also inspired me to check out other cartoons, like Teen Titans and Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart. Though I’ve definitely hit some bumps along the way like anybody would (there are things I’ve done that I regret doing a LOT), I am feeling great about myself and my artistic abilities.
At times when I felt sad, angry, or doubtful of myself, I’d watch Unikitty to pick myself back up. I mean, the whole message of the show is to believe in yourself and stay positive, so it was there for me when I needed it.
Being in this show’s fandom has helped me grow into a better person, and watching this show has let me think about my outlook on life. Watching Unikitty and her friends spread happiness to other people when they need it and help each other gave me the thought that maybe the world didn’t need to be a miserable place. I didn’t have to live my life in sadness. I wanted to focus more on the things that brought me joy. And the more I did that, the more I felt better for it.
One of the best parts about the show that the characters are all perfectly happy being themselves. They have flaws, but they accept them and let nothing get in their way. The best part of it is that no one judges them for expressing themselves. Seeing this, I felt a little less self-conscious about the kind of person I was. I’ve always liked to post super weird stuff.
I love shows with deep messages, realistic character growth and an overarching story as much as the next guy, but sometimes, you just need to loosen up and laugh a little. That’s exactly what Unikitty wants us to do, and it’s great at making us laugh. I’ve surely done that.
This show has been with me since I was in 7th grade. I’m a high school senior now. There’s still a very special place in my heart for Unikitty. I still love it so very much.
In 2020, I drew this pic to give the show a big, grateful hug.
And once more, I’d like to say:
Unikitty, thank you for brightening mine and practically everyone else’s days with bubbly happiness, fun adventures and lots and lots of sparkle matter. People like you are the kinds of friends that not everyone is so lucky to have. I’m grateful that you’re there for other people when you need to be and that you understand what makes them happy. The show wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t the star.
Puppycorn, thank you for being such an adorable and funny young pup. You sure are charming. You provided many hilarious moments that I enjoyed watching. If I met you, I’d ask, “Can I give you a hug?”
Dr. Fox, thank you for your smarts and your loyalty. You always come through for your friends, and when you and your friends are or could be in danger, you do your best to get out of it. The costume I wore for the school play back in 7th grade looked a lot like you, and because of that, you’re the character I’ve always wanted to cosplay. I’m finally doing it for Halloween this year! You’re also super “attractive in the form of endearment or charm,” which is called being “cute” in everyday speech.
Hawkodile, thank you for being such a trustworthy bodyguard and a radical action hero, as you call yourself. You’re always there for the gang when they need you, and you try your best to overcome your fears. You’re such a sweet and selfless guy.
Richard, thank you for keeping the castle and the Unikingdom as a whole from falling apart. You are pretty boring by most people’s standards, but if it weren’t for you, the kingdom would be a destroyed cesspool of chaos by now. Unikitty and her friends are lucky to have you. Come what may, but I’ll support you no matter what.
Master Frown, thank you for being such an amazing and very hilarious villain. I love watching you make mischief anywhere you could. As Unikitty told you, you might be a huge grumpy-grouch, but that’s cool with me. Besides, it’s one of the things that make you who I know and love.
Brock, thank you for your lovable nature and how you’re such a good friend. You make me happy with how funny you can also be. You and Master Frown have a very healthy relationship, and it’s pleasing to see because of how good you guys are at working through problems. I also like you because of your easygoing nature and your lenience. I’d totally try one of your cookies, too.
I would also like to thank all of the other villains, heroes and characters in the show for being awesome and the people who worked on the show for making them so awesome. They all played a part in entertaining 12-year-old to present me, and I’m the most grateful I possibly can be for that.
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This show has taught me things about happiness, life and self-expression. My heart goes out to Lynn, to Ed, to Aaron, Phil, Christopher, Dan, Roy, Jill and Sam. I would also like to give my heart’s deepest thanks to @careeningle, to Brock, Casey, Bill, Adriel, Neil, Andrea and Anna for their hard work. A very special thanks to the incredible voice talents of Tara, Grey, Kate, Roger, Eric, Michael, Keith, and all of the other talented VAs who lent their voices to the show. Finally, a very, VERY special thanks to every single other person who was involved with Unikitty and made it as fantastic as it is. You each poured thousands of hours into something amazing.
I would also like to send my love to all my fellow Unikitty fans. Thank you guys as well! You all are so awesome, and you can reblog this post and explain why you love Unikitty if you want to. We’ve all gotta celebrate if we feel we should.
I wish you all bright futures and nothing but the best. Stay positive. 💖
All my love,
Jezabat 🦇
(Hailey W.)
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Spring Again
Logging in for the first time in 12 years - amazing to think that 12 whole years have passed since I wrote the last post in fall 2011, the same amount of time between my birth and 6th grade. I remember writing it on my bed in my RA room at Latin America Hall, that awful year when I thought everything had finally come together for me, I was an RA and on student council as I'd dreamed of for so long, finally finally finally, after so many attempts, so many tries, I had made it. And then it fell apart at training that August, how utterly awkward and weird and quiet and out-of-place and timid and ill-equipped for the job I felt, how much I felt like the same lonely wallflower standing at the classroom door in 2nd grade during recess while everyone else played, unable to connect with anyone, people coming up to ask me to play and me being unable to do so, no matter how much I wanted to. I think, in hindsight, that I was depressed that fall, eating badly, eating Panda Express all the time and letting my body get big and feeling bad in it, the room a total mess, to the point where I wasn't sleeping in my bed but had made a little cocoon on the ground with a blanket that I slept in, amazing now to think that's where I was, how I was feeling. Amazing to think I thought it was me that was inadequate, me who wasn't working hard or who wasn't doing enough or who had some control over things she wasn't utilizing, when really it was entirely out of my hands, entirely up to fate or God or some other force outside myself - not that I was absolved of all responsibility, but nothing happened from my pep talk to myself in October - the rest of the year was exactly the same, and it wasn't until the following fall that things actually came together, in a way I could never, ever have dreamed, in a way beyond my wildest expectations, in a way I didn't want (J) but which ultimately changed my life. It wasn't that it had nothing to do with me - it was important that I was kind, and nice, and warm, and caring, and humble, and sweet, and competent, and capable, and generous, and smart, and patient, all the traits that have seen me through these past 12 years, it was important I fostered those traits and knew to express them, to use them. But I had no control, ultimately, over when the magical season of my life when I would finally, fully come into my own would happen, just as I had no control of making it happen in summer 2007 - it just did, and it didn't happen when I thought it would, when I thought it was happening, when I thought the moment had come, but I had patience and what I received was more than what I could have ever hoped for. I wish the girl watching the Office and eating teriyaki chicken bowls in October 2011 knew what was just around the corner for her.
Then it fell apart again - but this time it didn't really fall apart, because fall 2012 had already happened, and everything I learned and cultivated and fostered in myself from that season stayed in me, with me, through spring 2013 and into every season after that, and I learned not to think, "Why me?" but rather ask "What now?" and look where that led, new experiences senior year and then blessings upon blessings in fall 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, then a path I embarked on feeling set and sure in 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and now a place in life where I am the confident, assured, friendly, popular woman I so hoped to grow into in 2022, 2023, 2024.
So. I thought, once again, that things were finally coming together for me, finally happening, in summer and fall 2023, and just like in 2011, the end of that belief, that hope came faster than I expected, left me back at square 1, once again the girl against the classroom door, alone and unable to connect despite her deep, desperate wish to. But maybe it isn't the end, just as fall 2011 wasn't the end - it was the beginning, it was the beginning of everything that came after, the seed that resulted in all the blessings of the following years, it just wasn't the beginning I wished it to be, it just wasn't the seamless, painless beginning I thought I deserved, the one I saw others have. If I could see into the future, back in 2011, at 20 years old, maybe I would understand that, and I would get out of the floor-nest I was sleeping in like a rat and get out of that rut. But, maybe fall 2012 was all that much sweeter because I couldn't see it before, it fell into my lap unexpectedly, happened the way it was meant to, and now here I am. So - writing here in 2024, at 32 years old, as a reminder to keep hope, keep trying, keep moving forward, as a reminder that I don't know what may be around the corner, good and bad, and that all I can do is be kind, have a soft heart, be a nice person, and hope for the best. Writing here in case I log in again 12 years from now, in 2036, at 44 years old, and again marvel that I was feeling down when so much of life was around the corner.
Sat 5/19 2024
Current Idol: myself, honestly
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2021 January.
Friday, day one of another year in my life. New chapter, same setting? It's still in the middle of a pandemic, there's no way I could get out of the house for any reason whatsoever.
As per usual, the entire day of the 31st was a big preparation for the New Years Eve celebration. And it was so tiring, especially my mom whose been doing a lot in that department.
It turned out great tho, I helped a little with the set-up but it was all mom's. She prepared a lot for five people, but she made it so special. There were mini cakes and desserts I was looking forward to eating but in like a small bites--not because I'm trying to lose weight, it's just--my throat is very sensitive. Sweets are a big no.
There were also meals that we don't really see on our dinner table on an ordinary day, and the bowl of spherical fruits for abundance.
And of course, the mandatory--hot chocolate, was my favorite.
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The morning after that night was more peaceful. After attending mass and the mandatory meals eaten in the third floor, we all retreated to our own rooms for some alone time--and to rest after a vigorous Holiday week that took place.
Most of us took naps, but I had period cramps. So, mine was cut short. I figured, other than drinking advil, wine's another way of surviving period cramps. so I went to the fridge, and grabbed a big goblet of wine, I didn't close the fridge until I emptied out the snacks--pretzels, marshmallows, macarons, chips--name it. (And yes, the other family members left them out for me)
Then, I went straight up to my room, and opened Netflix to watch the last season of Sabrina. It was a bold choice for Netflix to release the final season during the Holidays, given that the genre was more Halloween that festive. But it was good news for me, I had something new to watch while I indulge myself with cravings.
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As soemone who couldn't JUST stay still, I started looking around, hoping to find something from my past self that's interesting. All that while still watching Sabrina.
And then I found a letter. A letter I've written a few years ago--2018 or 2017, to be exact. I wasn't in the best shape then. and I was in a dark place. I was upset and devastated about something that--looking back, wasn't that big of a deal. I realized I've wasted a lot of nights in despair when I could've used the time for extra sleep! When I still had the chance.
But when I wrote this letter, I was hurt. I was in pain for something that looks so miniscule looking back. But I was HURT. It was painful, and I've spent lots of nights crying over it. It felt real to me at that time. But it also has already been a few years. So,
I figured, pouring all the pain on an old stationary paper is one way of closing the door. It's the New Year, anyway. I guessed it's way better than sharing details to people who only wanted the gossip, not exactly in the listening mood to help.
And now I'm burning it.
And it felt like a release.
I gave myself time to re-read and laugh about it but eventually, it was engulfed in flames from the scented candle that was given to my mom--that I stole.
And that's a Happy New Year to me.
2021, please be good.
Always, nin.
Music by shallow bumblebee - evenings in the delta orbit - https://thmatc.co/?l=59DA2B5E
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“You have to answer to God for all of this crap.”
“Oh sweetie, I know your God. I know him so well. He raised me, demanded my unquestioning devotion to him, told me that my value lay in my obedience, and my future in servitude. He kept me chained in silence, told me to forgive my abusers. He told me that without him, I was worth nothing, and demanded that I trust him even as he ignored my cries for help. He called me his daughter, and then dangled me over the flames of hell. And when he decided not to drop me in he said, “See? It’s because I love you.” So let me be perfectly clear: He has to answer to me first (x).”
Ok, so. I’m gunna talk about my experiences and thoughts with these ideas bc it matters to me a lot and while it’s really well written and clever it just is like such a fundamental misunderstanding of who God is.
If nothing else i hope i can offer you this: God is so patient, and gentle, and kind, and loving.
He sits with us like someone training dogs to trust people again, not touching us, but sitting in our presence in humility, he is not demanding, his love is an open invitation and that is all. He waits for us. He listens to us. He welcomes us to ask him questions, to test him, he says, “Come, let us reason together.”
He made everything that is tender and delicate and beautiful for us, he has lived for all eternity in a perfect loving relationship because he is one God in three persons, and he made us because he delights in sharing that love with others.
He leads us by clean pastures and quiet waters. He promises to restore your soul.
He does not want to be represented to us by his power. He comes to us in the whisper.
That’s the God that I saw at 3 am lying awake staring at the ceiling fan, that’s the God that I met in the road under a streetlight, and that’s the one that I want to tell you about.
So I will probably write a series of posts about it if I have the energy (we’ll see what happens bc she does an excellent job of distilling a lot of complex ideas and criticisms and feelings in a really short amount of time, and it will take me way longer to explain my perspective on God than it took her) but here are some topics this brings up that I’m planning on talking about:
Who is God exactly, and how can we know him?
How does the Bible view the value of humanity?
What does it mean to be made in the image of God?
Do people have value apart from God?
How do various atheist philosophies view the value of humanity?
Explain the concept of obedience to God
Isn’t that just the same as compliance?
Why is sin bad? What is sin?
How does the Bible talk about abuse?
How do atheist philosophies talk about abuse?
Does God care about abuse victims?
How does the Bible talk about forgiveness? What is forgiveness?
Why should I trust a God who has never protected me?
There is no good father who would allow abuse to happen to me without rescuing me.
How then can God call himself a good father?
If God is loving, why would he send people to hell?
What is love?
What is justice?
What is mercy?
im aware this is like a whole book worth of information and if u think I won’t do it hold my beer watch this lol
#abuse tw#christianity tw#christianity#religion#religion tw#i've already thought about this so it might not take too long#but#i dont know if i have all of these essays written#i might#i wrote them for myself in 2017 because i felt exactly like this at the time#and i was like am i real certain that god is who he says he is?#I didn’t want to derail the original post or seem like I’m trying to force my ideas on OP so that's why this is a separate post#i hope you guys dont feel like that either#i just care about yall#and i care about god#i dont want people to misunderstand god and by extension misunderstand me#i have already written some about god so if you're new and interested you can check out my blog @in-the-whisper where i save my posts#about god#yeah idk#here have this#unsolicited advice#for that i am sorry#i promise i am not pretentious and only excited#and a little sad that anyone would get treated badly enough to think this#yeah#<3#thats all
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The one thing I want to know about ABOT is, how do you manage to keep the story flowing long after you've lost the fixation on it? I've tried to start up many of my own longer fictions and I always stall out. Is it a mindset or something more complicated like, letting the story change as you see it?
Ah, you know, that's a really good question.
Amazingly with ABoT, I haven't lost the fixation.
I'm not sure I could nail that down to a science. I definitely HAVE lost fixations on projects before. The first long-fic I did was an 80,000 word fic I wrote when I was 14. I wrote the first ~60k or so in the span of a few months from a strong fixation, then fell out of it, then sort of begrudgingly brought it to the finish line many-more-months later when I'd mostly lost interest, but wanted to see the story through.
Tourmaline, another ~80,000 word venture, I started and finished in a sprint of about 2 months. I was operating under a certain pressure like "I need to do this fast before everyone else (and I) lose interest."
ABoT was much harder to do that with, because ABoT, currently 320,000 words and growing, could not be written in a manic sprint. There was a period with ABoT where I definitely DID lose interest... When the updates in late 2017 slowed to a trickle, and stopped in 2018, I was dealing with a combination of things stopping me in my tracks. For one, the biggest was dealing with the targeted backlash to ABoT. It's hard to hold ground with a ton of people who've got nothing better to do than try and kick down your sandcastle. But ALSO I was dealing with a sort of combined "fear that if im not fast, people will lose interest" and "I can't keep going because I'm frustrated and I hate these characters now"
Like I absolutely hit a point in time where I'd TRY to write something, and I'd look at like some chunk of Reigen dialogue and be like "fuck you, shut up" just ACTIVELY frustrated with who these characters were. I remember taking up a little BNHA fanfiction project and being worried when I realized how much more excited I was about that, while ABoT felt like a haunting, joyless commitment. I'm convinced if I'd forced myself through that, the characters would have become like... flanderized, heartless imitations trying to grasp on to whatever made them interesting in the first place.
(side note: sometimes I feel that exact vibe from long-running series. Like I go "I see, you're frustrated and hate this now, author. I'm sorry.")
But I did pull out of that. And how exactly that happened is hard to say for sure, maybe a combination of things. I definitely spent pretty much all of 2018-2020 just, quietly sad about the ABoT plotlines I thought I'd never see through. I was still mulling them over in my head, still shaping them and giving love to them. I just thought I could straight up never return. So going "fuck it" and returning to it late 2020, with a lot of warm reception and 0 backlash definitely fueled me.
I also have the benefit of people actively being engaged and supportive. It's super motivating to get like, a long gushing ao3 email, or someone kicking in the doors of the ABoT discord with a long loving rant about their thoughts on what's going on in ABoT. I think they've given me a lot of confidence in tackling something that feels so huge. I eat fanart. Like if I could print it out and just eat it I would.
But if I think more about ABoT itself, I think the structure of the story helps a lot with keeping my engagement. The parallel storylines help keep me from getting bogged down in anyone situation, or vibe, or anything. The A Plot (Reigen and Mob) is frequently tonally opposite from the B Plot (Ritsu and Teru) so most chapters have some balance of content.
I have a whole bag worth of Moments that I've had planned for ages that I'm excited to finally, finally get to. As well as Moments that naturally get cooked up and refined as I'm writing, which leads to a nice mix of old content I'm excited for, and new content I'm innovating on. (Like, the end scene of chapter 40 was planned in October 2021, while the end scene of chapter 41 was planned in July 2017).
Also, I'm writing the characters for me. Sometimes I worry about favoritism showing, and "oh should I balance certain characters more" but actually that doesn't matter if I'm just writing the story I want. I've honed in on characters I'm deeply invested in, and deeply care about.
And the content, and the humor, is for me too. All the jokes in ABoT are there because they're something I found funny. That made me laugh to write. It's validating when I've got people who find them funny too! But even if not, well I laughed! I had fun! I thought of it in the shower and went "that's hilarious" and wrote it down so I won.
And I think another huge thing is like... I've stopped trying to give myself harsh deadlines in an "oh people are gonna lose interest if I don't belt this out!" kind of way. I published NOTHING for 3 years. The people who were gonna lose interest have lost interest already. It happened. It's done. It's in the past. All that matters now is putting out into the world what I have to share that I otherwise would never have made if I let that 3 year hiatus go on forever.
It still takes discipline to sit down and write when I'm like "mehhhhhh what if I just browse askReddit for 3 hours?" But the difference is in like, enacting some discipline, vs. forcing myself to slog through something I've heart-and-soul burnt out on, motivated only by the fear of burning up into irrelevance if I'm not doing a constant monkey-dance for an easily-distractable audience.
Like I take steps back from ABoT when it feels like I'm getting a little burnt out. I do other things. Some chapters are 2 weeks apart. Some are 6 weeks apart. What's most important for me is just adjusting the pace such that I'm working on it in a way that my heart is in.
If I had to REALLY boil it down: I think it's that ABoT is a story I love, with characters I love, with planned scenes that make me excited, whose ending feels so emotionally fulfilling, whose effort feels rewarding (especially in quarantine times), whose plot caters to my interests, whose timeline for completion doesn't feel daunting, and whose readers have been exceedingly kind with their interest, praise, investment, analysis, and love for what I've got going on.
I'm at peace with the demons I dealt with trying to get this story into being. It feels like a nice jog to the finish line now, with some hills and bumps and challenges, but I know I can keep up the jogging pace, so regardless of how far out the end ends up being, I'm confident I can job along to it.
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End of the year review
Tagged by the lovely @needcake <3
What fandoms did you create for?
These days almost exclusively Hetalia, although I was originally a One Piece writer and added one new work this year.
How many works did you make this year? Fics (posted on ao3 or tumblr or wherever), edits, gifsets, moodboards, playlists, fanart, vids, meta?
Jesus fucking Christ, I really don’t know what happened to me this year, but I somehow have written 23 stories. I have also written 25 separate headcanons and many snippets of WIPS that are still unpublished
What are you most proud of?
Like Cake, I’m going to do my top 5:
Reset: My giant murder mystery son that I finally finished this year. It’s been a 7 year battle but I’m so very proud that I finished it and is packed with everything I have ever thought about how nations work and especially focussing on England and France.
Earthbound: My Sci-fi dystopian daydream. The last time I was kept up in the middle of the night, scribbling onto paper because the words wouldn’t stop coming. It’s about the nations, now humans many years into the future, remembering who they had been in an older life.
Character Study: I wrote this for a friend with the intention of writing something really short and quick but ended up squashing all of my FrUK love and feelings into it and causing myself sappy emotional damage.
It’s All About the Delivery: My comfort exploration into my vast headcanons for Nationverse, how humans fit into it, and the adorable man known as Matthew Williams.
The Grace of Forgetting: The first fic that I wrote, sat back and thought, maybe I could become a writer some day. I’m not sure how to describe it exactly, but this was the first fic I wrote where I truly felt as though I’d written something with any sort of skill.
Any stats you wanna tell us about?
From 2010- 2020 I had written 6 stories for Hetalia, 4 of those being written in 2017. Somehow, I have managed to write 23 stories this year alone and I still have so many ideas left in me. I don’t know what happened but boy do I wish it had happened sooner haha
I’d love to give a full word count but so many fics are on Tumblr only and I can’t be arsed to add them all up. AO3 tells me that I have got 241864 there though so it’s many! ;u;
What inspired you this year? Any specific works or creators?
So many wonderful people. I’m not kidding, I said this in answer to an ask not long ago but BOY am I honoured and blessed to speak to so many wonderful artists and writers in this fandom. I’m so so lucky even more so to be able to call some of these my friends.
This fandom is so talented and filled with so much creativity that it’s a joy to be a part of. I’m having so much fun and am constantly inspired by too many people to list.
What’s a piece you didn’t expect to make? Why?
Honestly? Any of the things I have written this year. I truly never expected to write again when I stopped in 2018 and I am baffled by everything that’s happened. In particular though, I really didn’t expect to finish Reset. I always said that I would finish it and always believed that I would, but I certainly didn’t expect to finish it all in a year.
What are you excited to work on next year?
HmmMMMMMMMm
My aim is to finish all of my WIPs, which are many (a mostly list can be found here). I’d love to write more British Isles bros and, as always, more FrUK.
On a non-Hetalian note, I’d love to do a glow up rewrite of some old One Piece stuff.
Tag some people!
If they want to take part, I’m going to tag @bougietalia, @draw-a-circle-thats-the-foxhole, @rebelsandtherest, @fizzycherrycola @maelerie, @a-luran, @ego-meliorem-esse, @mandelene, and @goodybagblog
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When she was 18, Taylor Swift wrote a song called “Fifteen.” “Back then I swore I was going to marry him someday, but I realized some bigger dreams of mine,” she sang, sounding more like a wizened great-grandmother than a rising senior.
“Fifteen” is evocative, if a little sanitized: Nimble mandolin strums mimic the nervous-excited butterflies of the first day of high school, as Swift sings of wide-eyed hope that “one of those senior boys will wink at you and say, ‘You know I haven’t seen you around before.’”
There was a certain emotional truth to the lyrics — do several years’ age difference ever seem more consequential than when you’re a teenager? — but some older listeners were skeptical. “You applaud her skill,” wrote a critic for the Guardian in a mixed review of Swift’s second album, “Fearless,” “while feeling slightly unsettled by the thought of a teenager pontificating away like Yoda.”
Swift, now 31, sings, “When you are young they assume you know nothing,” on “Folklore,” an LP that is both compositionally mature and braided throughout with references to the specific, oft-denigrated wisdom of teenagers. By the end of that song, “Cardigan,” the narrator has excavated such a heap of florid but emotionally lucid memories that she must conclude, with the force of a sudden revelation, “I knew everything when I was young.”
Though it’s not as flashy a topic as exes, fame or A-list celebrity feuds, age has long been a recurring theme in Swift’s work. A numerology enthusiast with a particular attachment to 13, Swift has also released a handful of songs whose titles refer to specific ages: “Seven,” “Fifteen,” and, of course, “22,” the chatty “Red” hit on which she summed up that particular junction of emerging adulthood as feeling “happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time.” Like her contemporary Adele, Swift seems to enjoy time-stamping her music, sometimes presenting it like a public-facing scrapbook that will always remind her what it felt like to be a certain age — even if, with their millions of fans and armfuls of Grammys, neither of these women is exactly typical.
Swift’s critics have often seemed even more hyper attuned to her age. Perhaps because precocity played such a role in her story from the beginning — at 14, she became the youngest artist to sign a publishing deal with Sony/ATV; at 20, she became the youngest to win the album of the year Grammy — many listeners have been fascinated with how her evolution into adulthood has, or hasn’t, played out in her songs. People comb Swift’s lyrics for allusions to sex, alcohol and profanity as meticulously as MPAA representatives do a borderline-PG movie. Particular attention was paid to her 2017 album “Reputation” and its several mentions of drunkenness and dive bars — even though Swift was 27 when it came out.
The relative puritanism of Swift’s music up until “Reputation” did feel like an intentional decision: Unlike the female pop stars who broadcast their “loss of innocence” as a sudden and irrevocable transformation, Swift seemed acutely conscious that she did not want to repel younger listeners — or lose the approval of their parents. At best, it felt like an acceptance of her status as a role model; at worst, it had the whiff of a marketing strategy.
But the mounting obsession with whether Swift was “acting her age” also reflected a larger societal double standard. Famous or not, women face much more intense scrutiny around age, whether it’s those constant cultural reminders of the biological clock’s supposed ticking or the imperative that women of all ages stay “fresh-faced” or risk their own obsolescence. (“People say I’m controversial,” Madonna said in 2016. “But I think the most controversial thing I have ever done is to stick around.”) And while girlish youth and ingenuity are rewarded in some contexts, they’re also easily dismissed as silly and frivolous as soon as that girl strays too close to the sun — as Swift has experienced time and again.
Despite having once been a teenage girl myself (unlike a lot of music critics), I confess that I am not completely free of these internalized biases. I was initially dismissive of “Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince,” a song that appeared on Swift’s 2019 album “Lover.” The first few times I heard it, I wondered what a grown woman on the cusp of 30 was doing still writing about homecoming queens and teenage gossip.
But over time, I’ve come to appreciate the song and its dark vision, which acknowledges cruelty, depression and the threat of sexual violence (“Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?”) more directly than any of the songs Swift wrote when she was an actual teenager. The senior boys in this song are not the sort who wink and say to freshman girls wholesome things like, “Haven’t seen you around before” — which, unfortunately, makes them feel more authentic. Even the title “Miss Americana” alludes to a larger world outside the high school walls, and the greater systemic forces that keep such patterns repeating well into adulthood.
“Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince” now feels like a precursor to some of the richest songs on “Folklore,” which finds Swift returning once again to her school days with the keen, selectively observant eye of an adult. Consider “Seven,” an impressionistic recreation of her perspective at that age. The second verse, charmingly, plays like a first-grader’s breathless sequence of unguarded observations:
“And I’ve been meaning to tell you, I think your house is haunted, your dad is always mad and that must be why/And I think you should come live with me and we can be pirates, then you won’t have to cry.”
But “Seven” is not cutesy so much as poignant, because of the tensions that result when Swift’s adult perspective interjects. “Please, picture me in the trees, before I learned civility,” she sings in a yearning soprano, prompting the listener to wonder what sorts of feral pleasure she — and all of us — have exchanged for the supposed “civility” of adulthood.
Quite a few songs on “Evermore,” Swift’s second release of 2020, also toggle between past and present, conscious of what is lost and gained by the passage of time. The playful “Long Story Short” passes a note to Swift’s younger self (“Past me, I wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things”), while “Dorothea,” like “Seven,” revisits a fevered childhood friendship from the cool perspective of adulthood.
Most striking is the bonus track “Right Where You Left Me,” a twangy tale of a “girl who got frozen” (“Time went on for everybody else, she won’t know it/She’s still 23, inside her fantasy”). That language echoes something Swift admits in the 2020 Netflix documentary “Miss Americana”: “There’s this thing people say about celebrities, that they’re frozen at the age they got famous. And that’s kind of what happened to me. I had a lot of growing up to do just trying to catch up to 29.”
But Swift’s recent songs, at their best, understand that “growing up” isn’t always a linear progression in the direction of something more valuable. Take the “Folklore” songs “Cardigan” and “Betty,” which use an interconnected set of characters to chronicle teenage drama and celebrate the heightened emotional knowledge of youth. “I’m only 17, I don’t know anything, but I know I miss you,” Swift sings in the voice of James, a high schooler who broke Betty’s heart and has shown up on her doorstep to ask forgiveness. Maybe that is a melodramatic thing to do; maybe it is the sort of thing adults could stand to do more often. Swift’s music helps us to remember that growing up doesn’t automatically mean growing wiser — it can just as easily mean compromise, self-denial and growing numb to emotions we once felt with bracing intensity.
In a gesture to regain control of her songs, Swift is currently rerecording her first six albums (her master recordings were recently sold by Scooter Braun’s Ithaca Holdings to the investment firm Shamrock Capital). Last month she released a note-for-note update of her early hit “Love Story,” and has promised to release an entire new-old version of “Fearless (Taylor’s Version)” later this year. It has been amusing to think of Swift going back and inhabiting the voice of her teenage self: On the face of it, “Fifteen” is particularly surreal to imagine her singing as an adult.
In another way, though, “Fifteen” — with its distant reflections on the youthful folly of expectations — makes more sense and carries more emotional weight being sung by a 30-something than it does an 18-year-old. Perhaps Swift was preparing for such an exercise when she made “Folklore,” an album that shakes off years of scrutiny and finds her reveling in the creative freedom to be as young or as old as she wants to be.
#posting the whole article with my emphasis because i thought this was very interesting#taylor swift
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Fic writer questions!
I was tagged by @introvertia - thank you so much :) Your answers were really interesting!
How many works do you have on AO3?
Only 8
What's your total AO3 wordcount?
141754
How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
Four: Beyblade (gen fics mostly), Shizaya (Durarara), Grimmichi (Bleach), and Harringrove (Stranger Things).
I usually sit in a fandom for a quite a while before I actually start writing anything. I'm amazed by those people who can get stuck in right away (how do you do it!?!)
What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
1. end the fight; before the fight ends you
2. Bound to Happen
3. Year of You
4. Broken Boys and Butterflies
5. So come take a drink (And drown your sorrows)
All Harringrove aside from 'Bound to Happen' - which I'm rather surprised came in second because the Grimmichi fandom is waaaaay smaller than the Harringrove fandom.
'end the fight...' is also the only wip here. The rest are completed one-shots.
Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
Yes and no. It depends. I want to respond because comments really do mean a lot to me and I love rambling with people, but I have issues with online communication. Like, sometimes I write out a response and when I read it back to myself my brain just goes 'no that's terrible you sound like an idiot delete it now' and then I go 'yessir you're completely right how silly of me.'
When it comes to wips, I tend to reply to every comment when I'm getting ready to post the next chapter, that way it's like a little heads-up - new stuff incoming soon!
What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?
Y'know as much as I love angst I actually prefer to have my fics end on a relatively positive note (angst with a happy ending is my shit).
But I suppose 'So come take a drink (And drown your sorrows)' is overall pretty angsty and I left the ending open so if I ever felt like continuing it I could do so easily.
Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you've ever written?
Big nah. Kind of like AU fics, they just don't interest me that much.
Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Yes, but it came from someone who was just making the rounds on a bunch of Harringrove fics and they were highly suspected to be an anti so it didn't really bother me that much because I knew they were trolling.
I've had a few like, vague comments/back-handed compliments that got under my skin a bit though.
Do you write smut? If so what kind?
Yes, occasionally I do. Generally I'd say I'm pretty vanilla, but I am currently writing an a/b/o fic, though I think it might go under non-traditional a/b/o because, again, vanilla lol
My smut usually comes with a lot of introspection, like they'll be doing the deed and one of them will be internally streaming a 5000+ word monologue (I do this with Grimmjow sometimes because he's a big virgin who views sex as silly human nonsense).
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Parts of a fic, yes. I came across this fic that was clearly plagiarizing from several different authors (they forgot to change the characters names and everything) and I found entire paragraphs that were copy/pasted straight from one of my fics.
The thing is, this was over 10 years ago, something I wrote when I was... seventeen, maybe? So... I don't get why they copied it because it was pretty bad to be honest...
Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes, an old one called '10 Miles in Your Shoes' (beyblade) although it was never completed because well, firstly, I never completed the original, and secondly, when the translator asked me how long I was planning on it being I said around 20-30k and uhhh... lets just say I overshot that by a mile!
Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No. While I think it would be interesting to try I honestly don't know if I could give up control like that!
What’s your all time favorite ship?
Hard to say because I tend to go for characters over ships. Like, I got into Grimmichi because of Grimmjow and Harringrove because of Billy.
But since Grimmjow is my all-time favourite character then, I guess Grimmichi, but Harringrove is definitely a close second because the fandom has spoiled me rotten with all their amazing fics (in terms of reading material, Harringrove is my fav).
What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
'10 Miles in Your Shoes' - the bodyswap fic.
It's been a long time since I engaged with anything related to beyblade but I have a lot of fondness for this fic because it was the second I ever started writing and it was the fic that allowed me to truly grow as a writer. There's a huge improvement from the first to the most recent chapter (most recent being 5 years ago...) to the point where it looks like it could have been written by two different people, and I received so much positive feedback and encouragement throughout those years. I wish I had it in me to go back and finish it off but I struggle enough while writing for my current obsessions so it's looking more and more unlikely...
At the very least, I think I might transfer it to AO3 since ff.net seems to be slowly going under. Even if I never complete it, I don't want it lost forever.
What are your writing strengths?
This might sound ridiculous but I don't know? I always feel like I'm winging everything!!
I guess. One thing I've been complimented on a lot is my ability to portray messy (for lack of a better word) situations in a realistic way. I've been asked a few times if I've ever studied psychology and -
Nope
Just winging it!
What are your writing weakness?
EDITING!!!
I really should get a beta because I miss so many stupid little mistakes, like - okay - I always used to write in past tense, it was never something I even thought about, past tense was just the default. And then suddenly, around 2017/18, I began transitioning to present tense completely unconsciously and now every time I re-read 'Bound to Happen' I get angry because I bounced between tenses all the way through that fic and I didn't even notice until a year after I posted it.
Also. Incredibly slow. Lack of consistency. Perfectionist until I get stuck and then I feel like you can spot exactly where I lost momentum. Utterly hopeless when it comes to descriptions of setting/scenery. I don't think I'm very good at building atmosphere either. Dialogue, although I am improving at that.
What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I can't say I really have any thoughts on this? I don't do it much myself.
What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?
Beeeeyblaaade! I was fifteen when I wrote my very first fic (now deleted because it was awful!)
What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
Oh god, this is hard!
If we're talking completed fics only, then probably 'Year of You'. That was my I-Do-Not-Accept-Billy's-Death fic but I WILL take all of the angst material from S3 and ride it hard.
If we're including wips, then both 'end the fight...' and 'metamorphosis' are probably my favourites right now.
'End the fight...' is my BIG Billy redemption fic which I started plotting out not long after S2 and there's so many scenes I'm looking forward to writing (yeah I know its been a while since i last updated but the past year has been rough okay)
'Metamorphosis' is the a/b/o fic which I was kind of nervous about at first because its not a trope that i read a lot of but i'm enjoying how its turning out so far!
Whew! That was a lot!
I'm tagging: firstly, whoever wants to do it because I like reading about peoples writing experiences (make sure to tag me!) And then: @shadowthorne @bentnotbroken1fanfiction @callieb @backwardshirt @memes-saved-me @murderlight @magniloquent-raven @aeon-of-neon @louhetar
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Tagged by @everyonewasabird! Thanks friend <3
1) how many works do you have on AO3?
78
2) what’s your total AO3 word count?
869,705
(Were Sailing by Orion’s Star still up it would be over a million which is sure something)
3) how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
Les Mis, Phantom of the Opera, Hadestown, Black Sails, TURN, Captain America
(Older, pre-Ao3 fandoms include Pirates of the Caribbean, Rurouni Kenshin, House MD, Criminal Minds, and I’m sure others I’m forgetting)
4) what are your top five fics by kudos?
Les Hommes de La Misericorde, my epically long OG partial barricade survival AU
Between the Soul and the Star, my more recent Everyone Survives (including Javert and Valjean AU)
As If It Might Turn Out This Time, my happier ending Hadestown AU, where Persephone has had enough, and Orpheus saves everyone but in a less tragic way
For the Soul of a Spymaster, my TURN fic that is a canon divergence in season 3, where Ben gets kidnapped by John Andre
When We Had Nothing, a post Winter Soldier one-shot
5) do you respond to comments? why or why not?
I often do, yes! I sometimes forget, but I’d say it’s probably a 70% response rate, when I’m able. I love love love hearing what people liked, and I want them to know how much I appreciate them taking the time to comment. Plus, I’ve made several close friends because I responded to their comment, so there’s that!
6) what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Hmm good question! The ones that come to mind are May History Remember Us, my 2020 Barricade Day Fic where I was uh, having some feelings, By Force of Friendship, my 2017 Barricade Day fic which is each Amis’ death through Enjolras’ eyes, and then Echoing a Song, my two-part Les Mis Hadestown AU, which has hope at the end for sure, but something near the end is really angsty.
7) do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written?
It’s not a crossover exactly, it’s more Les Mis but with worldbuilding elements of Hadestown, but Echoing a Song sort of fits. The most crossover crossover I ever wrote was a House MD/Criminal Minds crossover, back in the day.
8) have you ever received hate on a fic?
I got one or two mean comments on Sailing by Orion’s Star when it was on Ao3, but otherwise not really? Not since I was a young teen getting the occasional flame for being a new writer, not unlike plenty of others in the early 2000s!
9) do you write smut? if so what kind?
The only time I’ve written any smut, and it would definitely qualify as light, kind of artful smut was for a few scenes in She Was Bound to Love You and When She Heard You Sing, my lesbian girl Raoul and bisexual Christine series. There’s more in the latter fic, as I got comfortable writing love scenes.
10) have you ever had a fic stolen?
Don’t think so!
11) have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes, one of my Les Mis ones. Ahhh I can’t remember which one though.
12) have you ever co-written a fic before?
Not officially, but I’ve had friends who were either betaing for me or who I talked to in-depth about a fic that probably deserve a co-writing credit!
13) what’s your all-time favourite ship?
Romantic ship is Raoul/Christine, platonic is Enjolras & Combeferre & Courfeyrac. Also Les Mis Wise I do dabble in romantic Poetry Smash, because they are, frankly, irresistible.
14) what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
I don’t have any unfinished fics on Ao3, but I do have one on fanfic.net in House fandom that I wish I had finished! I won’t, but it was a good fic.
15) what are your writing strengths?
I think characterization, for sure. I’ve also been told my descriptions and such have a cinematic quality, which I like!
16) what are your writing weaknesses?
God, blocking. Not in action scenes, but in simple scenes in a room full of people. Also I think voice, sometimes? I do that thing a lot where I say something like “Character A saw/heard/felt” when I should just be direct rather than using the modifier. Also slipping tenses.
17) what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I sometimes have little bits and pieces of dialogue in other languages.
18) what was the first fandom you wrote for?
Rurouni Kenshin. Oh man, good times.
19) what’s your favourite fic you’ve written?
I may have turned it into books and made lots of changes, but, the OG fic of Sailing by Orion’s Star. Writing Les Hommes de la Misericorde was where I really started to come into myself, and it showed in that original SBOS fic. Plus like, the fic version of it taught me that I could turn it into an original work, and just the sheer joy I felt while working on that initial version was immense.
No pressure tagging some folks! @phoenixflames12, @4beit, @amarguerite, @robertawickham, @apaladinagain
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This, is Noxy/Noxyfied/Nox. This is the character I identify as online, and I want to tell you my story with this adorable Arctic Fox because it is one heck of a tale from not so long ago
Things did begin rough at the beginning of my persona’s history. I honestly can’t recall how I came up with it, only how I inserted my love for something and went with it.
From the early years of 2017 to 2019 I was all paper and pencil. Ah yes traditional art was my big thing for a couple of years during that era of 2013 to 2020. I had a time where I wrote stories about characters I made, and not much. No fan art, no nothing, I wanted to stick to my own original ideas at first before I took the step to do something that I did not own; it was a weird mindset I know, I couldn’t hold myself to want to be original and develop to be good enough to draw other things.
It took me some time to develop, hell even to this day I still am unsure of my own skills but I enjoyed trying new things. I don’t reject much criticism even if it comes harsh it still lingers in my head when received anyway.
I needed someone to identify as online, a persona who I would have an identity through as I was moving forward on this hopeful career I want to make with my art.
Idea #1 draw my own self accurate to how I look
Scratch that...
Nononono, I am too bad at showing my face, even at that I don’t like myself.
So I had to come up with something else, 2019 was ending with my skills rising up to something neat. I had Fire alpaca and a wacom cheap tablet which I used time to time back then, and with how I moved foward I said “why not, lets draw a glaceon.
Not bad, not bad. I do enjoy anthropomorphic animals, and for a anthro Glaceon it wasn't so bad. Even back then I did not enjoy much of this picture but the idea sparked.
I did roleplay around online a lot as a Glaceon. People always had referred to me as a Glaceon when talking, because furry friends tend to be like that and I don’t mind. It had definitely sparked the idea of identifying as one for my persona.
I had a hard time how I would draw this character, a more personalized Glaceon with my own flare of the art style I carry should be nice, should I make it tall? short? anthro? feral? the questions rose up. Even more as time passed, took some time unsure of it, Unluckily I had a Glaceon FURsona, not a persona.
(Yes those were two separate things as I carried 7 fursonas as individual characters in their own stories).
But soon one day in class, my artsy self was bored and it just sparked.
This is it! yes! I love it! something about this just clicked for some reason, it was like nothing I had seen before I could not look away at it, this was it.
After class I went home and played some games.
The idea was there but man am I tired. Things did go slow, but not for long as of January, the classes I took gave me the ability to better understand this Adobe Photoshop, an amazing tool for editing pictures but also... To draw?!? I have heard of using Photoshop to draw but was amazed to have the ability using such program. During my time 2019 I would doodle around on Photoshop in my school or at home (thanks to the campus giving me a cheaper prize to use it for assignments)
Not bad, not bad, the program was for sure something nice to use. Look! I even drew my Fursonas there too, ain’t that nice
2019 was something for sure. It had just begun making 2020 quite the year as I took my wacom tablet, opened Photoshop, and on January there it was.
Oh how cute! I felt so proud of myself, firealpaca was nothing like how clean and pretty Photoshop was, I was amazed at this ability.
“I made this?” that would be what I ask myself everyday. Time to time I would, and still, look at my phone to my drawings and remember what I used to make some pieces, I will not forget how I used thick outlines with the line too from photoshop, added some depth on the eyes. But most importantly, I had a persona, and I introduced it
My friends loved it, I could not believe I am starting to do the shift, my days of traditional art were at a halt. Not at a complete stop since I do use traditional art for a few other things of course, this was just my main focus now.
This little creature was everything to me, cute, easy to make, helped me throughout a few months as I practiced with my digital art.
I also perfected it’s look, but something looked rather familiar about it. Could not put my finger to it, so I went on drawing it.
that was a few exceptions where I shifted the proportions for “it”
“It” “it” what was this thing supposed to be, I myself was unsure how to identify myself with this persona. Male? no, female? no. The issue was there, who am I really inside, who was my persona gonna be.
I still cannot tell you exactly what my persona was for the longest time. I at times felt lost and confused with my identity, it did not help that 2020 did its mumbo jumbo and a pandemic happened, it was a lot of time on my own at home just questioning really who I had been for the longest time. Classes were minimal so my free time was big around April and May.
I was always unsure of who I was exactly, through my early years late 2000′s I had in me that my body was uncomfortable for looking the way it did, 2010′s went silent but there was something in me I did not understand. why did I feel this way, why do I feel as I am not happy with who I am, and who I identify with.
This persona was the wake up call to who I really wanted to be. I saw it in me that I knew being a male was the main issue in me feeling unhappy. Throughout my life I did not enjoy masculinity as much as other kids, yeah I had some boy traits but it was rather minimal, I enjoyed other things more. I enjoyed a lot of things about being female it was something I had never seen before. as hard or confusing things tend to be from me to explain, its a rather hard thing for myself to explain. But that how it felt “confusing” I researched and looked for things and to my conclusion I had come to be, I come to identify as a MtF trans.
I felt relieved in me of it and I already enjoyed my days more after from it. The only issue is “who do I tell..?” I was timid to tell this to anyone, friends or even family. Especially family, those I come to admit they will never be told of what my decision was because of how hard headed they are. It is a tragic story to tell since most families are such closed minded people of rejecting others.
“My friends tho, my friends? I would feel bad if I told them” that was the mindset I had for a while before admitting to them time to time, one by one. This was a chapter in my life that had changed me early 2020′s but I felt a lot of joy in me to be who I wanted to be, I no longer took anyone else's guidance for controlling who I am, I just went with my own flow.
My persona was.... more comically confused, it could be either so I just left it how my mood wanted it to go for when drawing it. So, things went well, in 2019 with the money I got I found myself enjoying a lot of second handed games, with a game coming real soon that had me pumped for I had to get a console I wanted for so long
A PS4 for the the Final fantasy 7 Remake, I was so pumped waiting for the game, I got a used PS4 for it and even bought couple other games for it to get to know the console: Final fantasy 15, destiny, and later on this Persona 5 game a lot of people talked about. Hmm ok, well lets try it out and oh me oh my, a few days later:
The art style captivated me, can you tell I went all out to trying anything with my persona? I cannot believe I was my own guinea pig for these sorts.
Going around some friends and they will tell you that I used this pfp quite a lot back then, as well as updating it with a new oc I had come up with
A tale in due time will be told about this gal.
well, it was set and forth that this was me, my persona, this glaceon was who I was. People loved it, my friends really liked it, and I had a blast having this first pure year of digital art only. Meeting new friends, and admiring their art. Having old friends come back, and even losing a few others on the way.
During the time of june, to July I was rapid about drawing my persona in many ways, short, tall, anthro, feral
even metallic.
But there come some time I did not grew tired of. But a little worried that I had to rely on a franchise for my own identity, of course there is nothing wrong for those doing it. But reflecting on myself, back then when I wanted this art career to happen, I wanted to go all out letting out my imagination with my own creations. I had to make the decision, it was time to move on...
...To a new art program and new drawing tablet
No, it wasn’t that. I had to branch out from this Glaceon, but keep my identity, my legacy of this persona in check, but with a new coat of paint of course. did not take a long time before choosing that I had to use a real life animal as inspiration for this change.
Something at least close to it, ah yes of course! the inspiration of the Glaceon was an arctic fox, well those are some good stepping stones to begin with so what happened one day is that I began sketching, not before saying good bye to this old self that helped me begin. It was weird, this is me but it was old me?
Tested the new Brushes from this amazing program called Clip studio paint, and I gotta say I love the program. Sincerely the best choice I made to leave Photoshop for this.
At last, this is it. the new Me!
Familiar looking isn’t it,baby steps we can say.
I cannot blame the people for calling my new persona a “Glaceon-alike”
I headed to the right direction stepping away from it, but it was hard to let go
new program, new tablet, new me. the later half of 2020 went onto a lot of changes with myself, the chibi small version did not make me happy to make anymore, I was losing the touch and with the few comments I got of looking like a “powerpuff girl look a like” did set me off to do a drastic change I am thankful to do. This new me had some weird phases, don’t we all tho?
where else to brainstorm than back to the traditional old ways. Now, you may see this and ask what was I thinking when making this. the order of when i started and finish goes as:
Top right: ok what if it was feral, nah nah scratch.
Top left: Can I still make it cute with a round face and features I had from before? ew no! that looks scary
Bottom right: lets make it more natural and wow hey! yes yes yes! this looks hundred times better.
Bottom left: It is time I go all out and make it humanoid, it was how I found myself enjoying drawing most things but still did some anthropomorphic things. I was just not the best of it.
Back to digital and.... Amazing, I really out did myself this time, lets go for it, lets keep going with this
I even got a cool sword too!
My practice continued from here, the second half was great and fun. New persona got me in a place where I was happy with and through October and December I was having a blast with the more possibilities with it. I went on to practice with even more suggestive things after a life drawing class I took, proportions mattered to me and with this new persona I went out to make more better looking proportions that were attractive and stylish.
This persona was great, and I managed to make so much of it. even Drawing the more suggestive stuff had left me with an answer for this persona.
Just make it gender fluid, my selection for this character being male or female made me so tired I did not know why I just made it gender fluid since the beginning. My mood swings for this character, and I can’t resist drawing it either way. Was I finished? of course not, this persona still had some work around to do. The hair became a pain to make to keeping up with consistently.
2020 ended, with a year of exciting new things coming for this new year. I went through quite a lot in my life and my art career took a shaken with this new digital life style, my persona became the identity I saw myself through, something im happy with drawing to represent Me.
That isn’t to say that I gave up on drawing Me Me.
I drew who I hope to be, and will use this from time to time, nothing fancy but something.
It has been a year already since I began identifying myself with this persona from last year from now. ever since I sketched that doodle in class, it has been a happy trip through memory lane writing it and I am happy how things turned out. 2021 is what I hope to be as good as 2020 was (by that I mean drawing only of course)
In 2021 one more change was made that had made me just as happy to continue on with.
I got more hair! as crazy as it is yes. More hair, and a different front style has been to this day what I been using.
I even made a discord emoji for all the warm hugs to have with my fursona!
and my first ever animation I have ever done before!!
I am always experimenting new things, and i’m proud to be an artists to go out there and leave my art out there to be noticed by anyone. The love and appreciation friends and others leave me are the best thing I could ask. I look foward to see what is up ahead, for me, my career, and Noxy.
#persona#art#lifestory#story#trans#trans story#furry#furry community#furry story#pokemon#memories#2020#support small artists#artistlife#transition#glaceon#glaceon persona#pokemon story#pokemon ruby#college#school#digital doodle#digital portrait#digital media#my life
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