pervolarsunata-blog-blog - Tumblr blog

pervolarsunata-blog-blog · 15 days

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Spring Again

Logging in for the first time in 12 years - amazing to think that 12 whole years have passed since I wrote the last post in fall 2011, the same amount of time between my birth and 6th grade. I remember writing it on my bed in my RA room at Latin America Hall, that awful year when I thought everything had finally come together for me, I was an RA and on student council as I'd dreamed of for so long, finally finally finally, after so many attempts, so many tries, I had made it. And then it fell apart at training that August, how utterly awkward and weird and quiet and out-of-place and timid and ill-equipped for the job I felt, how much I felt like the same lonely wallflower standing at the classroom door in 2nd grade during recess while everyone else played, unable to connect with anyone, people coming up to ask me to play and me being unable to do so, no matter how much I wanted to. I think, in hindsight, that I was depressed that fall, eating badly, eating Panda Express all the time and letting my body get big and feeling bad in it, the room a total mess, to the point where I wasn't sleeping in my bed but had made a little cocoon on the ground with a blanket that I slept in, amazing now to think that's where I was, how I was feeling. Amazing to think I thought it was me that was inadequate, me who wasn't working hard or who wasn't doing enough or who had some control over things she wasn't utilizing, when really it was entirely out of my hands, entirely up to fate or God or some other force outside myself - not that I was absolved of all responsibility, but nothing happened from my pep talk to myself in October - the rest of the year was exactly the same, and it wasn't until the following fall that things actually came together, in a way I could never, ever have dreamed, in a way beyond my wildest expectations, in a way I didn't want (J) but which ultimately changed my life. It wasn't that it had nothing to do with me - it was important that I was kind, and nice, and warm, and caring, and humble, and sweet, and competent, and capable, and generous, and smart, and patient, all the traits that have seen me through these past 12 years, it was important I fostered those traits and knew to express them, to use them. But I had no control, ultimately, over when the magical season of my life when I would finally, fully come into my own would happen, just as I had no control of making it happen in summer 2007 - it just did, and it didn't happen when I thought it would, when I thought it was happening, when I thought the moment had come, but I had patience and what I received was more than what I could have ever hoped for. I wish the girl watching the Office and eating teriyaki chicken bowls in October 2011 knew what was just around the corner for her.

Then it fell apart again - but this time it didn't really fall apart, because fall 2012 had already happened, and everything I learned and cultivated and fostered in myself from that season stayed in me, with me, through spring 2013 and into every season after that, and I learned not to think, "Why me?" but rather ask "What now?" and look where that led, new experiences senior year and then blessings upon blessings in fall 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, then a path I embarked on feeling set and sure in 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and now a place in life where I am the confident, assured, friendly, popular woman I so hoped to grow into in 2022, 2023, 2024.

So. I thought, once again, that things were finally coming together for me, finally happening, in summer and fall 2023, and just like in 2011, the end of that belief, that hope came faster than I expected, left me back at square 1, once again the girl against the classroom door, alone and unable to connect despite her deep, desperate wish to. But maybe it isn't the end, just as fall 2011 wasn't the end - it was the beginning, it was the beginning of everything that came after, the seed that resulted in all the blessings of the following years, it just wasn't the beginning I wished it to be, it just wasn't the seamless, painless beginning I thought I deserved, the one I saw others have. If I could see into the future, back in 2011, at 20 years old, maybe I would understand that, and I would get out of the floor-nest I was sleeping in like a rat and get out of that rut. But, maybe fall 2012 was all that much sweeter because I couldn't see it before, it fell into my lap unexpectedly, happened the way it was meant to, and now here I am. So - writing here in 2024, at 32 years old, as a reminder to keep hope, keep trying, keep moving forward, as a reminder that I don't know what may be around the corner, good and bad, and that all I can do is be kind, have a soft heart, be a nice person, and hope for the best. Writing here in case I log in again 12 years from now, in 2036, at 44 years old, and again marvel that I was feeling down when so much of life was around the corner.

Sat 5/19 2024

Current Idol: myself, honestly

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pervolarsunata-blog-blog · 13 years

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Fall/October/New Leaves?

So it's a cliche, I know but maybe for right now, it kind of makes sense in my life. I am 20 years old. 20 freaking years I've been on this planet; a whole fifth of my life if I live to 100, which I probably won't considering my eating and exercise habits (pity, but cookies and ice cream for breakfast AND lunch and laying in bed all day in front of the couch will always be worth it). 20 years old and still so afraid to come out of my shell, to TALK, to put myself out there, to be confident and secure and comfortable with who I am, with the things I say and the things I feel and the things I am. A whole 2 decades of life and still the nerves act up and the butterflies refuse to leave and I stammer and stumble over my words and make a fool out of myself, yet again.

I know that who I am, at my very core, is not the person I project to the world. I know that who I am--who I was, during the very early years of my life--is a bubbly and vivacious and friendly and talkative person, someone able to connect with others in meaningful ways, someone able to bridge the gaps that so often exist between people. I know that this is who I am because I have seen the videos and I have heard from those who knew me then and I know, even now, that I identify the most with fictional characters most like this aspect of myself, with the Jackies and the Kellys and Lorelais of the world. I do not identify with the timid ones, the shy ones, the insecure ones, the ones who cannot or will not allow others into their minds and their worlds. That is now who I want to be, not anymore, and it is such a deeply depressing thought that that is how other people view me.

The thing is, up until a week and a half ago I had an excuse solid as ice: I was a teenager. From 10/8/04 to 10/8/11, I was allowed (by myself, obviously the highest and only authority that mattered here) to be whoever and act however I needed because that is what 13- and 16- and 19-year-olds do: they act moody and strange and push people away while they try to make sense of themselves. Fine, we'll go with that: that's what I was doing. Alrighty then, everything's fine, let's all go on as usual.

Except now I am 20. I have entered the next (and possibly--probably--the best) decade of my life. And I need to do my best to make the best of it. I need to make more friends, which means I need to be friendlier. I need to put academics first and all other responsibilities second--although they need to be a priority and I cannot allow things to slide as they have before. I need to take care of by body and myself. I need to pay attention to my spiritual health, meaning I need to pray, to meditate, to speak to God and trust Him and rely on Him. I need to always always always be thankful for what God as blessed me with, most importantly my family. I need to turn over a new leaf.

October presents the perfect opportunity. It is the month of my birth and the start of my favorite season. It is made of blankets and stars and spices and coffee and orange leaves and apples and pumpkins and the smell of the season; it is meant for leaving summer and its dreams back in August. It ends with two important days: Halloween and Dia de los Muertos. Halloween reminds us that it's okay to shift identities, to not always be who you are and sometimes, who you were. Dia de los Muertos reminds us that death escapes no one, that there will come come a day when our bodies will be put into the ground and our existence will cease, and fingers crossed that at that time, whenever it is, I will go into the next life proud of this one.

So let's do this. New Leaves, yeah?

Wed 10/19 2011

Current Idol: Mindy Kaling

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