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wintersoldiersoul · 6 months

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Slowly

A/N: I think this might be the beginning of a little series.. let me know if you guys would want more of this! Also, this story mentions a past sexual assault of the reader (not in detail) but I just want you guys to know that if you ever need a safe space, my DMs are always open. It's something I've experienced and the experiences that the reader has had are very similar to my own. Please reach out if you ever need anything <3

Warnings: mention of a past sexual assalult, angst, fluff

“Y/N is going on a daaateee!” Wanda sang, running into the living room, you and Natasha following behind.

Her statement turned the attention of Steve, Sam, and Bucky who were sitting on the couch. “A date, huh?” Steve asked. “With who?”

You laughed awkwardly. “Just a guy I met at the bar,” you shrugged. When your random bar makeout from last week had invited you to dinner, you didn’t wanna say yes. But with a little bit of peer pressure from the two women standing with you, you had reluctantly agreed.

Your eyes were on Bucky, whose eyes were on his phone. Why would you expect him to care that you were going on a date? Your feelings for him clearly weren’t reciprocated and you needed to move on. It was never going to happen.

The three of you moved to the living room to sit with the guys as you began to be bombarded with questions and comments. You swore that sometimes the adult superheros acted like middle schoolers, cheering like children when someone had any sort of development in their love life.

“So are you finally gonna have sex with someone?” Sam teased. You weren’t a virgin by any means, but it had been a while. A fact that the team loved to tease you about whenever you were stressed.

“No,” you said, simply not in the mood to be interrogated about your love life. “I don’t even know if I like him. We just kissed in a bar.”

“You’re gonna fall in love, and get married and have so many kids together,” Sam continued, his tone full of mockery.

You weren’t necessarily embarrassed about your sex life. You didn’t care that it had been a while since you’d been with someone. It wasn’t like you hadn’t had the opportunity. It was just hard for you to trust. Ever since you had been assaulted, you didn’t wanna have sex with a stranger. You never told the team about the assault, not wanting to face the sympathetic looks. It wasn’t like they could do anything about it anyways.

“That’s not gonna happen,” you said monotonously.

“Y/N, you’re gonna bang him and then be so happy and uplifted. Maybe you’ll actually get some sleep at night,” Steve joined in.

“Guys, seriously, stop.” You tried to prevent yourself from getting annoyed to the point of anger, but they were pushing your buttons. Even if they didn’t know the full reason you didn’t wanna talk about it, you were telling them to stop and that should have been enough. It was clear you didn’t wanna talk about this and that you didn’t even wanna go on the date at all but they just couldn’t help themselves from joking like a bunch of teenagers.

“We’re just so happy for you and all of the sex you’re gonna be having!” Sam said.

That’s when Bucky turned his head. “Guys, she said she doesn’t wanna talk about it, okay?”

Your heart fluttered when he defended you. You had tried your best to control your feelings for Bucky but the organ in your chest betrayed you. Every day you fell a little bit more in love with him. You just couldn’t help yourself. What had started as a harmless crush had turned into a gut-wrenching unrequited love story that tore you apart every time you saw or spoke to him.

“Let us celebrate!” Sam said. “Y/N’s gonna get fucked!”

You stood up quickly and walked away, anger reverberating in every step you took back to your room. You didn’t even wanna go on this stupid date and you sure as hell didn’t wanna have sex with a stranger. You wished you could do it. You wished you could have your mind and confidence back, the way you did before the assault. But it had ruined your trust. The one time you tried to have sex with a stranger ended in a panic attack and you getting out of his apartment as quickly as possible.

“Assholes,” Bucky muttered, standing up to follow you and make sure you were okay. He reached your door a second after you, stopping the door as you tried to close it. “You okay?”

“Yup.”

He followed you and sat next to you on the bed when you did the same. “Just ignore them. They think they’re funny,” he laughed.

You gave him a closed-mouth smile. “I just wish they’d actually stop when I tell them to, you know? I know they don’t mean to hurt me and it’s not like they know…” you trailed off before you said too much.

“What?” Bucky asked.

“Nothing, nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

But Bucky could read you like a book. Despite your feelings that he’d never like you back, he did. In fact, he loved you as much as you loved him, which led him to usually being quiet and reserved in your presence. He always had his eyes on you when you weren’t looking, silently wishing he could just work up the courage to ask you out. “Something’s bothering you, I can tell,” he said.

“And how would you know?” You said, raising an eyebrow.

“Because I know you. Better than you think I do.”

His words rendered you speechless as you stared into his eyes. God, what was it about this man that just made you want to open up? “I…” you hesitated. You had been holding this secret for so long, you didn’t know how it would feel to share it. “I was sexually assaulted last year. I’ve tried to have sex since but it ended badly,” you took a deep breath. You were not going to cry in front of him. “I think it messed me up more than I thought it did. I feel… broken, I guess? Like, it feels like everyone else in the world can have a one night stand no problem but for me, I just can’t. And it makes me feel bad about myself.”

Bucky stared at you as you spoke. “Y/N, you are not broken,” he said with conviction. “You went through something traumatic. It makes complete sense that it’s hard for you.” He stared so deep into your eyes.

“Thanks,” you said, honestly just wanting to move past the conversation. “It’s fine. I just wasn’t in the mood for jokes.”

He lifted his hand up, brushing your hair behind your ear. Your heart pounded in your chest. “It’s not fine, though. Have you told anyone else? You shouldn’t deal with that alone.”

You sighed. Maybe he was right, but still you couldn’t find the energy to have that conversation right now. “Why do you even care, Bucky?”

“Because I’m in love with you, goddamn it!”

You were speechless. This had to be some kind of joke. He had figured out your little crush and just wanted to fuck with you. Make a fool out of you. “Don’t be mean, Bucky.”

“Mean?” He said. “Why do you think I never talk to you? You make me so nervous I never know what to say. I have to stop myself from blurting out how fucking beautiful you are. God, when I’m around you it’s like… I feel like myself again.” The look in his blue eyes told you that he was telling the truth.

“Bucky, I.. I love you too. I have for a while.”

His breathing sped up as his hand remained on your face. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.”

His lips were on yours in an instant. His tongue made his way into your mouth, kissing you feverishly. You were both desperate for each other, desperate for the love and affection that had been missing from your lives.

“W-wait,” he said, removing his lips from yours. “I don’t want to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I mean, you just told me you were sexually assaulted. I don’t wanna rush you into anything. I think we should just take this slow.”

You nearly cried but stopped yourself. How was this real? How was it possible that the man you had been secretly loving for so long actually felt the same? And how was it possible that he was so respectful? So caring?

“T-thank you. I really needed to hear that, Buck.”

He smiled. “I want you to trust me, fully. If we’re gonna do this… if you want to, that is, we’re gonna do this right. We’re gonna go to dinner and I’m gonna spoil you like you deserve. And we’re gonna take everything at your pace, okay?”

“I-I don’t wanna disappoint you, Bucky. It might take me a while to be…fully comfortable.”

He grabbed your face in both of his hands. “Listen to me. You could never disappoint me. Get that thought out of your head.”

You bit your lip and nodded.

“Now do me a favor,” he whispered. “Cancel that damn date.”

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sunandflame · 10 months

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Flame and Water, Chapter 1

A/N: Hello! After a poll decision I turned the 'The Water Pillars Tsuguko' into a full length fic. And a fresh start need a new blog as I can't interact with my sideblog (which sucks) So this is going to be an ongoing series from. I hope you enjoy!

Summary: You are the water pillars Tsuguko and you are training under him. One day you meet all the hashiras and when your gaze falls upon Rengoku, you are terrified to the bones.

Ship & Trope: Kyojuro x Fem!Reader (Water Pillars Tsuguko)

Warnings: none (yet)

Word Count: 1,9 Words

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crossposted on AO3

Masterlist of Flame and Water

"The Breath of Water is a technique that can adapt to all kinds of attacks. But to master it, you need to have the heart to always keep your breaths steady. Like a water surface. Think of your heart as the surface. If you wish to become the strongest Demon Hunter Swordsman, if you wish to become a pillar, you need to always keep your heart steady. Keep it calm and gentle, like the water's reflection."

Those were the words that Urokodaki-san passed on to Tomioka-san that he now passed to you before he started his first training lesson with you, before he started accepting you as his Tsuguko. You had anchored these words deep in your heart and reflected them on the outside. You have always been a very calm person, but as soon as you mastered all 11 forms of water, you became even more balanced. Yes, you even managed to master Giyuu's self-developed form Dead Calm. You were truly his Tsuguko and you both got along well, which could be thanked to your similar nature.

But just because the two of you got along didn't mean the other Hashira liked you, because as Tomioka's Tsuguko they had already formed an opinion about you and when you met them, they weren't particularly enthusiastic about you. The worry about having a second Giyuu Tomioka around them who wasn't talking or doing anything with the others seemed very likely. Added to that their presence intimidated you. Your gaze wandered over to each one of them and you could already guess what they were thinking of you, not that it bothered you much, even if the Sound Pillar said out his thoughts.

"You got yourself a Tsuguko that is just as dark and unflashy as you are Tomioka!"

Your gaze wandered to your teacher who didn't reply and this gesture hurt you a little even though you hadn't expected otherwise. There were some comments from the other Hashiras, but you weren't hearing them as your eyes were fixated on the one haori with the flames.

Horrible memories came up and your otherwise calm demeanor crumbled from one second to the next. A terrified whimper was heard and before you could realize it, you knew it was coming from your own mouth. With a quick movement you slapped your hand over it. But it was too late. Everyone had heard it and were now staring at you. Panic and anxiety filled your guts and you saw all the confused faces that exchanged looks between you and the Flame Pillar. Your eyes were searching for a quick exit and you fled so quickly, leaving some confused faces in their wake.

After y/n left the scenery, all eyes were on Rengoku. Sanemi was the first to speak. "What the actual fuck was that?"

"I- I think that she was whimpering...," said Mitsuri hesitantly

"Yeah, we all noticed that"

"But, why?

"It seemed like she was afraid of Rengoku-san"

And with that statement everyone turned to the blond who's smiling gaze didn't wavered., though there was a visible confusion behind his golden eyes. "I have never seen her once in my life! I can't explain to myself why she acted like this!"

There were a few comments, but this issue wasn't worth digging deeper into for the pillars. They just didn't care about y/n. But Rengoku's mind was racing. He just couldn't understand it. He tried to think about why you had reacted to him like that. Was it his looks? He couldn't do anything about it. After all, that's how he was born, and he was also proud of it because it showed him the connection to his ancestors.

Days had passed and he tried his hardest to forget the matter, since he knows that not everyone can like him, but fearing him? And it was pure terror he had seen in y/n eyes that would not let go of him anymore. He even approached Tomioka, tried to learn maybe the reason, but his answer was a simply "I don't know more than you." How was it even possible that he was training everyday with you and not knowing more? Rengoku had to realize that he couldn't let go of that matter and decided to get to the bottom of it.

Wood on wood met, the bokutos collided and you were completely focused on your opponent who was also your teacher until you suddenly saw something yellow in the corner of your eye. "Ouch!" A moment of inattention and you'd already received a hit on your shoulder. You rubbed the hit area and gave your teacher a confused look before looking away at the other person who appeared only to realize it was the Flame Pillar. Your whole body tensed up and you tried to dodge the next punches but got hit after hit. You could feel the bruises forming under your uniform and you kept fighting but you were not able to focus with the Flame Pillar watching you both and Tomioka could sense that too.

"Okay, that is enough training for today," were the words of Tomioka before he left the training ground and left you alone with Rengoku. He was not happy with your today’s progress, just like you, but he left without another comment. Again, your eyes darted around and looked for a quick exit. You gave Rengoku no chance to talk to you. Even if he had patiently waited for you and you were hoping with an anxious heart that he would not come back the next day. But you were so wrong. Rengoku proved himself determined as he came by every day to try to talk to you. And every time you would tense up, not being able to focus. One day you were hit so badly in the face that you saw the stars and you were on the verge of fainting from the pain, your nose wouldn't stop bleeding. You had seen Tomioka look at you with slightly widened eyes, asking if you were okay. You remained silent and your eyes darted immediately to Rengoku who also got up to ask for your well-being. “I-I am good…” Was the only thing you brought out, but the training was over for that day too as you were not able to stop the bleeding of your nose.

Rengoku showed such immense patience that he showed up at every single training session of yours. Much to Tomiokas frustration as you kept getting worse, making no progress at all, but he kept silent until he snapped one day.

“I don't know what your issue with Rengoku-san is, but if you don't sort this in any way out, I will not continue training with you as I see it pointless." Words that hit you hard and before you could even react to it, he was gone. You swallowed down your tears, hoping that it was a joke as your biggest wish was to become a Hashira like him. But it wasn’t

“CAAWW CAAWW! L/N-SAN! YOU ARE NOT GIYUU’S TSUGUKO ANYMORE CAAWW!”

It was as if your entire world had collapsed and the crow of Tomioka was the trigger. He was flying over your head and repeating the words. You'd been spitting blood to get this far and now it should just be over? Like a raging sea it roared in you. You tried to contain your calm exterior, but it was hard when your dreams got shattered like this and the waves of anger twirling inside you like a tsunami. Your hands were shaking, and you vented all your anger at the dummies. Destroyed them until there was nothing left. You didn't know how long you did this until you looked around breathlessly and realized that you just destroyed the whole trainings ground. You panted, sweating from every pore when you suddenly heard his voice, making your anger turn towards him.

“Hello l/n! I see Tomioka-san isn't here yet!” Rengoku was greeting you with his well-known bright smile. Yeah, it was because Tomioka didn’t even had the balls to tell you himself that you weren’t his Tsuguko anymore and only sent this stupid crow of his. But you only said that in your head. You were silent as always, but this time you didn’t run away and Rengoku was mildly surprised when you walked directly towards him. Finally, he thought in the first second, but your intentions were not good. He tensed up in the moment when he saw your eyes filled with anger, your hands ready on your sword.

"You...!" Your voice was sizzling dangerously taking your blue niichirin sword out of your sheath and attacking him in the next second, blind in your rage. For the first time in your life your fear towards him turned into an anger. As if the calm water in your mind turned hot and started to boil. Blue crashed with red and you were face to face. Rengokus face didn't hold his trademark smile anymore as he looked at you in surprise. "L/N! Calm down! Swordsmen are forbidden to fight among one another!” But you didn't care. You were so caught up in your anger and frustration that you didn't know what else to do then letting it out on the man in front of you. You blamed him for your shattered dreams. It was his fault! Why could he not leave simply leave you alone!

What was wrong with her? All the days he'd watched you practice just to exchange a word with you, he'd never seen you like this. He wasn't even sure if it was even possible to see you like this, as calm as you've always been. A calm that resembled Giyuu Tomioka. And he was impressed of your strength, but you needed to stop! “L/N! Stop it right now!” He put all his pressuring aura into his words, but it didn’t work. Your wrath built a wall around you, impossible to break through. That meant he had to find a different approach to having you listen to him and it seemed that there was only one way.

You took a big leap backwards after your blades crossed again and wanted to perform another attack, when you sensed a shift and immediately turning your attack into defense. It was now Rengoku who attacked you. Not to kill you, but more to force you to listen to him. Knowing that you could withstand him, he was not holding back. The attacks were fast and powerful and pushed you to your limits.

Suddenly you stumbled from exhaustion and lack of attention. Thats it, were your thoughts and you closed your eyes, waiting for the pain, but it didn't come. Only a breathless huff when you fell onto something rather… comfortable. Shouldn't the landing have been more painful? It should but Rengoku was able to react quickly that he withdrew his attack in the last moment before hurting you seriously and was even able to catch you in your fall. Unfortunately, he also lost his balance by catching your and you both fell. You on top of him. You opened your eyes just to see his face inches away from yours, hands holding you. You both looked at each other in surprise and if there was any anger left in you then it was gone it that very moment when you stared into his golden eyes that faded to red...

🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥🌊 🔥

I hope you enjoyed this so far! If you want to be tagged for the next part just reply down below! Every reblog and like is appreciated 💙

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erabu-san · 9 months

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So I started watching a playthrough of Fontaine (my storage can't handle playing it😔) and Freminet honestly became one of my favorite characters like- he's so cute???

I really like Lyney, Lynette, and Freminet's relationship. And I saw your art with Cyno Tighnari and Collei, sort of comparing the two sibling groups

And it just had me thinking.

Freminet and Collei would be good friends

Maybe a little more then friends...?😶

I could imagine Lyney Lynette and Freminet visiting sumeru, and then pasting through Avidya forest and having Collei greet them. (Maybe Tighnari wanted her to get out of her comfort zone lol)

And Freminet sees and kind of experiences a "crush at first sight" of course Collei doesn't noticed this because like, why would in anyone have a crush on her? (One of my hc's is that Collei has anxiety and self depricates a lot) But Freminet pushes it aside, thinking it's nothing important.

But the siblings end of staying in Avidya forest, and Freminet and Collei start to spend more time together, further developing his feelings for Collei. And soon he realizes "Archons, I like her"

And I think Collei would just happy to have a friend her age for once. Completely unaware of Freminet's feelings.

I just think the ship would be really cute, especially considering they're still children and it'd just just be a super innocent romance.

Of course, of shipping them makes you uncomfortable, they would also be best friends :)

Because I feel like they could relate to each other's shy nature and anxiety

(I also like the idea that Collei is taller than Freminet)

Sorry to bother you, I just don't have any genshin friends and I wanted to share my thoughts with someone😔

Have a good day!

OH WAIT OH GOSH THAT'S SO CUTE ?!?!?!

Anon your brain is amazing.

I also think Freminet have a self low esteem... Since they have both low self-esteem, I can feel like an healthy relationship when they do therapy exercice to improve themself together. I don't know for Freminet since we don't know a lot about him I know that Collei wish to change for the best and I am sure she could relate on Freminet and feel comfortable around him. Collei received a lot of help from other like Amber Tighnari or even Sucrose in Windblum event (of course there is a more of people lol COLLEI IS SO LOVABLE I AM HAPPY FOR HER THAT SHE IS SUPPORTED), and if we consider that Freminet and Collei are both around the same age, she might be feel a bit more relaxed than talking to a grown-up ! And since they are both young, a typical innocent romance, a friends to lovers trope LIKE AWWWWWWWWWWWBWJW 🥺🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕 i am sure there might be some angst like misunderstanding (since they are both anxious and shy, sometime they don't have the gut to tell smth) but they are both well surronding and both mature for their age so they can overcome every problems with patient.

Collei X Freminet have a lot of potential dear anon 🤝

Please continue to talk genshin with me !! I enjoy a lot <<3

I hope my english was understable kgiefid I am always afrain to write a lot, this is when i do a lot of mistake

#reply #I START WITH THE SHIP NAME !!!!!#fremillei #cominet #cominet sounds cute but ugly at the same time lol bahahagagagafnzjjfjeigd #BUT AAAAAH CUTE #i hope people who will read this post will think that fremillei have also a lot of potential......#freminet #collei

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abyssalhuntersnerd · 1 year

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While yes, Specter Alter made me fucking suffer for months because she's just built different, I still adore her with every single fiber of my being because she's literally everything I could have ever wanted and she is everything she deserved to be.

Everytime I think about how beautiful her character development has been and how her own self worth journey has developed I just get so happy because she thought that she was worth nothing. Her body has been worn out, she has no control over it and the only thing she can do that is somewhat useful is slicing things up for a living. Even if she has a brief moment of consciousness, it's probably just as bad as being trapped in her previous state, it's spent thinking to herself there really isn't anything she can do for herself and that this is it, her fate has been decided. She will die fighting like this, being restrained to chains she never chose in the first place and she won't have a choice in the matter- Because some weirdos decided to inject Originium into her spine to get information out of her and even when they tried to, she still never gave them what they wanted.

I don't think we talk about her mental resilience enough. Like yeah, she was unstable when she didn't have control over herself and her reactions to certain things told you everything you needed to know about her past experiences- But damn, this girl is tougher than most of us would like to admit. The Church tortured her to extremes I'd rather not think about, ruined her life and her as a whole but she doesn't hold any resentment towards them, she doesn't hate their guts, she simply is disgusted by them and just... Instead of straight up murdering Amaya on the fucking spot cause let me tell you I would not be able to hold myself back, she just tells her to fuck off, to please die in the fanciest way possible and dances with her because why not. Just why not. At the end of the day she still admits they would never have gotten along but damn, just damn.

The fact that she takes that experience, the years of isolation and pain- And learns to love herself for who she is now, not for who she was before is mesmerizing. She's 3 people at the same time, she's Laurentina of Aegir, she's Shark of the 2nd Company and she's Specter the Unchained. She's the same person she was but she doesn't reject the parts she hated before.

She sees so much more worth in her own self than she ever did before because those parts she's been trying to reject for so long are what she just needed to become the person she was meant to be, so beautiful, so tragic and so perfect that she baffles me at times.

We don't talk about her enough. About how she's seen her the worst parts of herself and instead of hating them she embraced them. How we all wished we could do that ourselves and we find it so difficult because loving yourself is so hard nowadays.

And honestly? We also don't give Skadi and Gladiia enough goddamn credit. I don't care what anyone says anymore, if it wasn't for them Specter wouldn't be where she is. Yes, they weren't the ones who made her like this but the fact Skadi spent literally YEARS to find something that would help her, even if it was just for a brief moment because she wanted to talk to her, be with her and try to save the only thing she had left from her beloved home? How she considers her, her treasure map, the one who keeps her going even though she doesn't know where she's going but she still will regardless cause if it's for her and with her partner, it's all worth it. How she was the one who cared for her along with everyone who wasn't scared to, who held and carried her when she needed it? The person who properly spent countless hours by her side, telling her about all the things she wished she could tell her in hopes that maybe, that way, she would get better? To then be told that she was being heard and that even if she thought she couldn't rely on Specter, she still told her that Skadi could regardless of her condition? That even after Under Tides she promised her she would be there when she woke up again and she was, and fuck, Skadi's heart probably leaped out of damn joy to see her back, to see the person she's been caring for so damn long to finally be back, back to her true self. Can you imagine how Specter feels about Skadi? How grateful she is to her for everything she's done? How wonderful their relationship is?

How even if there wasn't much to go off of, Gladiia was always there for her. Even if she was desperately looking for a way to go back home and to stop her mutation she still believed in her beloved Shark? Even when Skadi doubted herself and Specter she still reassured her telling her that her hunter is tougher than this. That she can overcome anything. That even if it wasn't much, Specter still appreciated being able to be hunter under her wing, that she promised her she would try to get better even if it took her a while? How Specter makes Gladiia smile with her just being a little shit something not many can do?

How they just... Complete each other in ways I cannot express because it is so beautiful to see 3 people appreciate each other so much? How Specter in a way, might give them that little hope they need to keep going? That if she can better, so can they?

Just. Just them. Just Skadi. Just Gladiia. Just Specter.

I just love her so fucking much. She's absolutely perfect. She deserved her damn Alter so much.

#normal posts #i'm going mad can you tell #the way I relate to all of them is just so #ahshshshsjsjs #why are you all so perfect #why am I awake thinking about them #I have a goddamn job fare tomorrow and I gotta do all the work myself and stay late to clean up but god #them just them

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jaskiercommabard · 5 months

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📖 Fic rec time! When you get this, reply with three fics that you've read and loved to pieces, then pass on to at least five other people who read fics. Let’s appreciate fic writers and their amazing stories 💖

OOO!! Thank you for sending this!

I've been reading fic for like...more years than I'm ready to admit to so I'll rec some of my very favorite witcher fics + my favorite themes to narrow it down. These are all geraskier oops

Angst/hurt no comfort

goes without saying by Verbyna This is a brief two-part series that I must think about like twice a day at least. The author does something so magical and makes these characters so human, it completely takes my breath away. Thinking about this fic makes my stomach ache. Scrolling past the title in my bookmarks can make my heart drop into my gut. I have to really think about what kind of day I want to have if I'm going to read it, and I mean that in the best way. It's so visceral and wrenching and completely beautiful. If I had to pick a favorite witcher AU, I couldn't, but this one is in the seat of honor.

Hurt/comfort

Lessons in Mortality (orphaned)

This is one of the first fics I read in the fandom, and I hope the author is out there somewhere with warm socks and good pens. The character development in this is unmatched - the original character and her beautiful story in this fic are so compelling and enchanting, and yet she plays a perfect accompaniment to Geralt and Jask. This fic is so sweet, so in character, so carefully and purposefully written. I wish I had a chance to talk to the author before it was orphaned but they obviously put so much care into this piece that you really feel connected to the storyteller.

Slow Burn

and yet so far from death by @yoursummerfrost

I am sweating trying to pick a single summerfrost fic to recommend but this one sticks in my mind as one of those extremely special stories that I wouldn't be able to explain if I tried. Whatever is going on in author's head should be bottled and sold or maybe kept under lock and key in some kind of secret lab where only the military and like...very sexy bank robbers can find it. It's sticky-sweet and sad and has, hands down, the best ending (except for maybe the end of my other favorite summerfrost fic, out in the pouring rain (down on your knees) or possibly the end of my other other favorite summerfrost fic, don't tell me we've grown (for having loved) ).

Porn with plot

First Annual Belleteyn Fuckfest by @sheepishwolfy

Half what it says on the tin, half oh fuck oh fuck they have feelings there are so many feelings who let the feelings into this porn someone call the guards. The worldbuilding in this fic (and all of the author's works) is unparalleled. You are sweating in the spring heat, you're smelling the ale, you're eating sweets and hearing music and strolling between vendor stalls with a flower crown on your head and you are (devastatingly) not getting an exceedingly skilled blowjob from Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove. This fic is definitely the closest you could get, though.

There are so so many more amazing fics that I have read and loved and cried over, I could go on forever. This fandom absolutely drew in some of the most talented creators I've ever had the pleasure to come across.

If you're one of the authors first of all wow hi I'm twirling my hair kicking my feet second, pleeeease let me know if you would like a tag or a rec removed and I will nix it!

#the witcher fic rec #the witcher #fic rec #ask #darklyhandsome #geraskier #geraskier fic #geraskier fic rec

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redswaberkez · 3 months

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ok so its been more than a month since my graphic screen is arrived and bein used almost every day for 6-12 hours its time to do a lil review under the cut

(obligatory warning for longreads my english is a crap and yada yada) my bby boaris (kabanchik) cintiq 16'. (old one from 2020) I bought the tablet for a loot of reasons, Very Reasonable ones and not so reasonable too LMAO. Earned money with blood and sweat (literally💥) ANYWAY. Tablet's size is perfect for my needs, not way too small, not way too big, the screen workspace is the same with my old laptop (give or take few mm) This cintiq isnt from manufactor, its used before tablet from someone else in 'from the assembly line' condition. As soon as tab arrived i immediately ordered a ptotective film to prevent the appearance of The Hole. You what im talking about.

I was afraid that it would be extremely inconvenient for me to work with it and that the purchase would generally be unsuccessful, because before ONCE IN MY LIFE 7 yrs ago i had an experience w cintiq 24' and it wasnt really comfortable then. AND i had always used a regular plain tablet. BUT NOOOPE everything is PERFECT and i love it.

PROS!! - brain loves to see what u are actually drawing. Its easier to control every single move and stroke therefore it drastically buffs your skill. The progress of it development i mean. U have to get used to it. the tablet itself wont give u a 'make my skill insane button' u have to WORK ON IT obviously. (says the one who've been stuck in cps for a month straight OUGH) - it works as another monitor. so u can do whatever u wish using two of them. or u can just buy random tablet screen and use it as a SINGLE monitor lmaooo. -doesnt overheat (my main display overheats noticeably thank god i dont need to place my arm over it). -uses one single thicc cable which divides into three at the end (usb hdmi and power cables) - thin, from 1cm to 1,5cm +-, wheights somewhere 1,5kgs, has small stand legs which gives it ahh +- 30 degrees tilt angle. U can travel with the tablet but it needs pc or laptop to be connected with. -i havent seen its guts but i bet the circuits are...fine... i hope so.. at least if it wont overheat then the circuits wont burn down.. makes sense.. yeah.... -I also didnt notice any problems with drivers or connection for this month. u just turn ur pc on and ready to go.

CONS. - ur neck is bout to die if u gonna work like me cuz its tilt is only 30 degs (u can buy a normal stand tho. or a monitor bracket and stop torturing urself). SHRIMP POSTURE CHEEEECK. - it doesn't have buttons like my tablet had. Its a taste preference honestly. for someone its a pros for me its a cons. EASILY COUNTERS BY it might seem crazy what im bout to say A KEYBOARD. you just need to get used to it. again. - should i even mention the price? ofc its a con. since mine is a former usage one it was a lil cheaper than usually. but I knew what I was buying ((WACOM)) so i aint complaining now. - small really small con: sometimes cps wont react to pen button clicks but ig its even a program problem than tablets (easily counters by pressing space button one time). its really just a biiit annoying and nothing special. It works great all of the time. - THE PEN TIP WEARS OFF WITH FIRST COSMIC VELOCITY. ig its affected by protective film (its matte). counters by TITAN PEN TIP (plus now its a weapon if u are brave enough) -due to its protective matte film there is a small insignificant diffs between two screens but its not really this big. At least between mine displays. Diff btw my old laptop screen colors and tablet is fucking HUGE (lap is a 12 yrs old veteran have some respect🙄) - OK OK OK LAST LITTLE NIGGLE. Since I play shooters like valorant and...cs.. and move my hand powerfully across the table, I HAD to look for *that very specific place* for the tablet so that everything would be perRRRFECT by millimeters (ocd moment)

notable mention that takes a special place in my heart

wait while we talk to your displays 😥😥😥😥 omg..... cried....died.... my sons...

thats all i can say for now

#redswa pls go outside and touch some SNOW

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wafflesetc · 2 years

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I am utterly heartbroken. I don’t really know what else to say. Do you all remember Hermoine’s bag that she was able to pull everything out of? That’s what I feel like- a huge bag of a mixture of so many different emotions.

(This post may be all over the place, so I apologize for that).

On one level, I can only wish the best for Jesse. Truly, as a long time CPD fan- even an Upstead fan... I just hope that with whatever the circumstances were, that on some level, he’s at peace with the decision. Regarding whether or not it was his decision or if he was forced out like Kelli Giddish from SVU, I am not sure. While I have my own thoughts about it, per how JLS has talked about the show and whatnot, I definitely lean one way over the other, but at the end of the day, unless someone comes out and gives us any indication on which way the pendulum swings, we may never get an answer. Which trust me, that not knowing is a hard pill to swallow. It may be one of the hardest, given how much we know JSL enjoyed not only Jay Halstead, but Upstead, Chicago, the cast and crew.

It feels like a punch to the gut, and it is. I will say this, one news article dropping the bomb at 10:30EST on a Monday night is a little weird. (Not the normal time to drop some kind of important annoucement??)

It’s not a normal news syndicate time, so they were definitely trying to get the news out there, or at least someone was so we wouldn’t even be blindsided by it. (Even though the irony is we were blindsided.) (I think they were trying to soften the blow... Just get it out there and hope it gets swept under the rug quickly.) I won’t be shocked if we get a new promo with footage within the next few days.

I’ve had my fair share of fan favorites departing from a series, but I will tell you... There is something about this one that just doesn’t sit right. Which makes me extremely nervous for how they are going to handle his departure.

I know we are not usually privy to the behind the scenes discussions on contract negotiations. We usually only hear when the show has been renewed for x amount of seasons, and then we usually hear if a character has renewed their contract or if they haven’t.

I don’t know what the stance of his contract was- was it good through season 10, was it only good through 9 and they were in negotiations and some sort of agreement couldn’t be reached by both parties.

For the time being, these are the type of details we have to be okay with not knowing.

I know we only see a small glimpse into JLS’s life and who he is- but from what we know from him, from other people, and how he has talked about this show… He is proud. He put his heart, sweat, and blood into playing Jay Halstead. He loves that character. I’ll reiterate that to note that I kept it in the present tense- he loves that character.

I find a small piece of comfort in that. Regardless of the circumstances which led to his leaving, he loves Jay. He’s proud of the work that he poured into the character… It’s obvious because look at how much of a fan favorite that he is.

I do think, that somewhere along the line, this was more of an unexpected departure than it was a prepared one. I say that because look at the development they have poured into Jay over the last ten years.

“One day this unit is going to be yours.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Hailey. Really, I’m not.”

“Where you go, I go.”

“I want to start my marriage with the woman that I love out of prison.”

These type of sentences and quotes are laid out in a show, in a relationship between two main characters, for no reason. I think they/he were planning on a long haul for Jay. I don’t think you can convince me of that otherwise… Especially, as stated above, how Jesse talked bout the the cast, crew, his love for Chicago, etc. I do know things go on BTS that we will never be privy to, but the joy he had surrounding the job wasn’t something that was fake to me. He truly loved this gig.

What scares me the most is how they might go about his departure. I think it’s going to be one of four ways (@agent-bash had a very similar post about this too):

He gets a transfer and/or a promotion. Obviously Voight isn’t going anywhere, and after the moral compass debacle that Hailey and Jay were on last year, I could see them using this as a way to put Jay as a Sargeant elsewhere in the CPD. This would allow for Upstead to remain together and have the off screen romance continue. (Also leave the door open for him to return in future episodes..

On the job injury- it’s been alluded to in the past with Mouse back in the early seasons, had a medical discharge from the military. I could see him getting shot to protect Hailey, try to protect another victim, someone and the gunshot injuring him in a capacity that he’d never be able to be fully back in the field. Like Trudy… Which would then allow him to be transferred somewhere else out of Intelligence.

Re-enlistment and/or some sort of military contractor offer. While I don’t necessarily see this as a superbly viable option, given how we know Jay has talked so little about his time in the Army… I could see them opening the door for this to allow him to stay with Hailey and write the off screen romance. I just don’t think his character would be super open to going back to the military, especially as an active duty person, given how he responded to the idea when Mouse wanted to go back to the military.

Killing him— sadly, this one is up there and I feel like they could swindle this one. This one though, is the one that scares me the most.

In reference to number 4: Killing Jay would literally ruin not only his character and character development… But it would absolutely destroy Hailey Upton.

Hailey lost Garrett. She barely got closure for that in 5x18… And it nearly destroyed her.

Hailey almost lost Jay in 6x02 when he went off to avenge the death of his father. She nearly spiraled when she saw him lying on the ground, covered in blood.

She almost lost Jay again in 7x09/7x10. We saw her distraught in the hospital- and then again in the bullpen when she threw that coffee mug because it was taking a while for the son to come up so they could use him against his father.

And then she almost lost Jay again with the whole Roy scenario— she was scared he was going to leave her because of a choice that she made.

“I’ve trusted you since the day I met you.”

“I’d follow you blind.”

“We’re always going to be good.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Hailey. Really I’m not.”

“Where you go, I go.”

“It’s a thing that works between us.”

They literally have laid such a strong foundation for Jay and Hailey, that they are…. At least to me, integral to one another.

IF they kill Jay off- I don’t really see how Hailey is going to survive that. I mean… She won’t- will not- survive Jay Halstead’s death. I mean, having to bury him- put him in the ground… I just… No. There is no plausible universe in which (even with JSL departing) killing Jay off would make sense. Especially for her character development. Jay is integral to keeping Hailey grounded, rooted in normalcy, rooted in a home— he’s changed her. His death would break her in ways that would be irreparable.

And also- killing him would undo all of the work they laid for his character and development growth over the past ten years. It would make 0 sense. (The hard part about it is that it sadly is usually the easy route to get rid of a character is to kill them off in some form or fashion.)

Additionally… If they go the divorce route… I just can’t fathom what would actually come between them where it would come to the resolution of them getting divorced. I mean, truly… It would be so OOC for both of them, after the years of pining and the slow burn- it wouldn’t make sense to end them like that. Especially after both of their backgrounds, them taking that step- to be together forever- they both meant it, they both wanted it. They both were in it for the long haul, for forever.

This is a hard thing to grieve and process.

On one hand, with whatever the decision was, why it was made, etc... Part of me hopes Jesse is at peace with it. (Or at peace with it the best he can be.) I truly wish nothing but the best for Jesse, and if this is the best thing for him- then so be it… Conversely, it’s OK to want things for your ship(s) and characters, one you’ve loved so dearly for a long time… Which has been the case of Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton. Ten years for Halstead, half a decade for Upstead. These are long years, where as people you’ve all seen and grown, and gone through things. You’re not just processing the character leaving- you’re processing all that has also happened to you- the friends you’ve made, the memories you have with these characters, the feelings you’ve thrown into this show, etc, that are tied into this show... They are tied into you. You’re grieving all of that, not just the loss of a beloved character.

So remember, through this, be gentle with yourself. With others. We all grieve and process differently.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve or process this information. Take it day by day.

I don’t know how to end this, because it’s all still so fresh.

I can only hope that the writers remember the work that they have laid out the past few years, the foundation of which their characters were rooted in, the foundation and stronghold these two characters share together, and honor that in an exit that makes Jay Halstead the good, honorable man that the is. Truly, the ball is in their court with is this, and I hope they do him justice.

#Upstead #Chicago PD #Jay Halstead #Jesse Lee Soffer #Hailey Upton #Jay x Hailey #One Chicago

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defnotstoss · 3 months

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1/25/24 Talking in code

I have everything I need from E. But in any story a character is clueless to what their needs or solutions really are. And then you give yourself to another person in this poly world and you become vulnerable. Bare. And you see who you are when you start exchanging these bare bones and guts with someone else. You could have more fucking needs than you realized, you have more reasons to live life just a tad different because you realize this one little random nugget of value to someone else is actually fucking amazing and you really like it and want more of it... like fucking dancing to fun music for example. Like, god damn. I need way more of that, how was that just uncovered?

This is hard. And I don’t know why. I feel like I’m close to spiraling from something I should honestly be so thankful for. My heart feels torn, not in the typical way between two people or an outcome, but between hypotheticals. What if’s.

This is not a scenario when two people fall in love with each other and they cannot have each other. We can have each other. Physically. We can admire each other.

But could this be a scenario where two people fall in love and have to ignore that the love is there.

How do I ignore that?

I want to respect that, but how do I do it?

Do I not express myself?

Do I bury a feeling until it burst?

I’m so good at making something way more amplified than it is. Nothing’s going to burst. But sometimes things feel so. damn. big. Good thing I’m great at burying things…

E talked me through it, talked me through her experiences - both with M and with me. How there’s always so many different things at play. That people are feeling so many things from 1) wanting be open to their partner trying something new, 2) lying to themselves about how they feel (M ab his wife’s relationship), 3) to being completely terrified about an outcome. She values people being REAL about how non-monogamy can be difficult. Because it’s been difficult for us at different points, and its nice when that’s not covered in glitter. She gets it and was asking me how I would approach it from here. And I guess I’m not 100 on that. I had a pretty solid stretch of time where not expressing my emotions was the easiest thing in the world, so maybe its like riding a bike?

If I spend time with you my care and admiration for you will grow. If I let that happen, is it selfish of me? Do I try not to let that happen?

Is the boundary for feelings not to exist, or to not express them...

...It’s like you could sense me looking into the spiral and deciding if I should dip my toes into it or not because you just texted me… “Can we facetime?”

Just now, asking me to facetime. Clarifying where you are, where we are, where I am. How are we so connected when we’re miles apart and not even communicating in any given moment?

I need to create something with what I’m feeling...

I started writing a poem about how its possible to have multiple best days of your life. I deleted it. I kind of wish I hadn’t but...

…I received another message. Enter the spiral. Moments after starting the poem, you texted, “I’m sorry, can we please talk again?”

I responded with, “Yeah, is everything ok?”

Your response, “Yeah”

I knew it wasn’t. Not really.

My phone died immediately after your "Yeah" and I ran to the car to charge. 7 minutes before it got to 1% and booted up. Facetime wouldn’t work while I was plugged in so I called you. You were crying, I couldn’t see your face.

I felt like some piece of me was being prodded as you built up to what you had to tell me. Like my chest was open and one of those vital organs was being pressed on with a finger. A deep, dull, sensation. Please, just tell me.

You had me over last night to tell me that J is uncomfortable with how our emotions have been developing for each other. Our hotel overnight had created a ton of stress for him, which I hated to hear. I thought he’d been dealing with it better, I had tried checking in. You had thought he was too. Clearly he was in pain with it. Regardless, by the end of the night it was pretty clear, we could still see each other. We just have to pull back on the expressing of emotions and not lean in to the powerful feelings that clearly had formed. Learn to be together physically but not give J reason to worry more.

In that moment I understood. I respect his needs and boundaries. Our relationship had originated based on sex with the understanding that some feels were okay. Sex was the baseline, just like in J's relationships. Then, after this chat, we had mindblowing sex. It was the sex you have after realizing and agreeing that the future of a relationship would be primarily based on sex, if not fueled by the memory of coded expressions of love. Do I regret having sex with you last night?

Regret? Maybe.

But maybe not. In that moment... it felt like the pinnacle of where I could be with you emotionally. There was zero chance I’d say more about how I felt, not then. Ever? But I could show you how I felt with my body, with my closeness, with my passion. There’s no chance that could be pressing a boundary of someone who identifies as non monogamous and who admits his own hypersexuality. How could I have known? My mind was practically spinning and if I could only have you physically I would deliver you the best physical experience I could. I would make sure you knew your body was loved... your breasts, your neck, your thighs and every other square inch of flesh you give to me.

You came on my mouth because you could feel my desire. You came on my dick because you shared the passion I was radiating.

Looking back. Regret? I suppose I do have one but I didn’t know it at that time.

During the last call your build up continued. Please, please tell me. The dullness becoming more sharp, more than one finger was in my chest now. He didn’t expect us to have sex, he thought we would just talk it out and that I would leave. There had been miscommunication, I suppose, sex was no longer a baseline. Unbeknownst to us, we crossed a boundary.

You were saying so much. I still couldn’t see your face. You were still crying as you were telling me all of this. So many words, I heard them all but I needed to hear what was coming. “...which is why you and I need to take a break for some time.”

You did it, you told me. Thank you. The invisible man’s fingers had finally ripped my heart from my chest and it burst upon removal. I was bleeding out in my car, in the dark, the what if’s that I had woken to finally hit home and it was my turn to talk.

How do I proceed? I have a million questions but do any of them matter right now? I wanted to hug you, but I couldn’t. Will I ever be able to? Why am I so good at amplifying things into reality? All I could think of is that I do not matter in this moment. I ignored how eerily familiar the thought felt. It’s a feeling I’ve always seemed to fall back on when things get rough, as far as I can remember. A tendency I’ve tried to remove from my bag of tricks. But truly, now I don’t. You and J matter. Its all that matters. E and I have gone through snippets of this and we’ve worked through them. I know she’ll be there for me to talk me through this and hug me, sing “Love Hurts,” and say “...at least you still have me!” And I love her and thank her for that immensely.

I tried to comfort you. I hope I did. I told you not to worry about me, I’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. You need to focus on the two of you. I hope you do. I hope it works. You told me it might be a month or two and we could see each other again. More hope. Hope...

I hope so.

I don’t know.

So much has happened in the last five days. Truly a rollercoaster of emotion. Some of the highest emotional highs I’ve ever experienced. Some of the most fun I’ve experienced in recent memory. I mean how many times can someone feel this in a lifetime? That final conversation we had was one that followed your most recent conversation with J. I think you had only received enough information from him to realize you needed to make this change and quickly relayed it to me. The change is certainty, everything else, like that month or two, is purely hope. I would be a fool to think otherwise.

When we were at the hotel just 5 days ago it was magic. Two people who had allowed the warmth they give each other to grow into something unique and shared, finally getting more than a few hours to themselves to just BE together before going back to their spouses. Two people who had permission from their spouses to be there. Who had communicated so much to them ahead of time. It was the most perfect opportunity for these two poly newcomers to lean into something they had mostly spoken to each other about in code, by beating around the bush and hinting at through metaphors, analogies and the lyrics of songs they share with each other. Fucking magical.

I cried to you that night while we laid in bed, sparked by a rough memory. Why had it punctured me so deep in that moment? Maybe it was a come down, maybe it was because I was exhausted. You held me, hugged me, told me you’d help me work through it. I needed that hug as much then as I ever had needed one. I felt your love.

I responded minutes later, after regaining my composure.

I told you you’re such a loveable person.

It was dark but the cool twilight hues that crept around the curtains gave enough light to see your face. Your moist glistening eyes. You hugged me again and whispered that I’m so loveable too. Even in code, it was magical.

But that’s the one regret I own. That I never actually told you those words.

I’m mending my heart. It may have burst all over the interior of my car but I have the care I need. And I don’t care to look elsewhere until I hear from you again.

1/25/24

Blaze

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david-watts · 9 months

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I was looking through crime scene photos (morbid curiosity took the better of me) and ngl I'm kind of desensitized on the autopsy photos and the ones of the space where the crime took place (mostly thanks to movies and an accident I had when I was a kid)

And it's wierd bc someone's life literally ended there and suffered unimaginable pain and yet it doesn't seem real, it seems like a movie set

I mean I definitely knew I had to stop after looking at the black dahlia photos but still I shouldn't have gotten that far in the first place

Idk it might be the way I was raised culturally but I still feel like something is terribly wrong with me for wanting to know what those things look like

I'm drunk and my stomach feels a little bit off after the last couple pictures and idk I just felt like sharing the realization I had

Maybe the media was right when talking about how much violence we are exposed to

personally? I don't think there's anything wrong with deliberately seeking out gory things like that, so long as the family has given permission for the images to be shared as there is something disrespectful in not asking them before sharing something incredibly tragic. morbid curiosity is human nature, and there really isn't anything wrong with anyone wanting to know those things. it's when people continue to try and seek them out against the family's wishes and push into harassment territory that it becomes a problem, but that goes for anything that gets media attention. that and the pervasive victim complex associated is the issue with popularised true crime, not that it shows grisly things. saying you can't look at a crime scene photo just because it's a dead person, or considered 'gruesome', doesn't really help anyone.

humans are exposed to violence every single day. car crashes, assaults of any sort, accidents, and violent death, these are things that happen to someone at least once a day. if we pretend these things don't happen, it becomes even more hurtful when it does! and on one hand we need to be exposed to things so we're aware of the possibilities. but on the other, the media does give us twenty-four hours of blood and guts a day, every day, because doom and gloom gets people's attention. it makes everyone feel paranoid about what could happen because the news cycle feeds them, in the words of christine chubbuck; 'immediate and complete reports of local blood and guts news', you're not exactly gonna be thinking everything's fine and dandy and nobody's out to getcha. especially in the case of those types of true crime fans.

so basically, you're not a bad person for being morbidly curious, and so long as you're able to expose yourself within your limits and without developing paranoia then there really isn't anything that wrong about it

#I think I'm fairly desensitised too. I don't often actively seek out tc content mostly because I feel like most people who make that kinda #content don't do a particularly good job of being respectful and are too sensationalist about it #but I have seen the black dahlia photographs. I'm not sure how I should feel about the fact they're not very shocking to me #and what's shocking to you mightn't be for me et cetera don't think you're a wuss for that #maybe having seen roadkill HAS desensitised me a lot to entrails. maybe playing with animal guts did too.#I feel like. any place where something significant happened feels like a film set on that note #einstein's desk the day after he died. the train carriage that the armistice was signed. the glen finnan viaduct.#the road where my m*ther rolled her car on her way home from work in the eighties

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draconic-ichor · 2 years

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Love-Struck

Part 4

Matilda x Lír

Elden ring dabble

Warnings: strong language, sexual themes, angst, heartbreak

Summary: There’s a bump in the developing relationship…

Feedback appreciated, 18+

As time went on the princess’s and the knight's walks grew longer, and talking became whispers. Their closeness didn’t go unnoticed, by both the royal couple and the other knights.

Gossip started to seep around the halls….

Far in the gardens, the pair sat close together. Deep ambers of the setting sun almost made Matilda’s golden horns glow.

“I do actually have a tail.” Matilda murmured.

Lír’s face dipped in closer, foreheads almost touching. Both their lips curled into soft smiles, giggles bubbling in their voices. A soft blush peppered over their cheeks, warmth blooming the longer they spoke.

“Show me?” He asked mischievously, amber eyes sparkling.

“No!” She feigned offense, face reddening a bit more, “It’s rude to ask some things of a Lady.”

Realizing exactly what he asked, his face flushed crimson.

Matilda fell into a fit of giggles, not seeing him embarrassed often. She reached out, taking his chin, tilting him closer. He sobered, meeting her clouded gaze, eyes shifting between them to her lips. Her heart hammered, pulling him closer.

Their lips met softly.

Her stomach flipped, feeling a pulse of electricity crackle between them. She gasped as he deepened the kiss. They moved a bit closer, heat blossoming in his gut.

His fingers tentatively found her cheek, her fur soft as down. All at once the gravity of their situation hit him. Lír froze.

Matilda opened her eyes, worry curdling her guts as she looked at him questioningly. Lír pulled away sharply, face pale.

“D-did I do something wrong?” She asked quickly.

“This…this is inappropriate.” He whispered, voice strained, “We can’t do this.” He pulled away, body tight and distress filtering over his face.

“What?” Matilda felt her blood run cold, “What do you mean? I-I thought-,”

“You are the daughter of the GodLord…” he frowned, looking down at himself, “A-And I am in her service…this isn’t right. The others already say I’m abusing the bonds of our friendship…”

“L-Lír I…I care for you!” Matilda blurted out, his words stinging like poisoned needles in her skin. Her eyes pricked with tears.

Lír shook his head, pain flashing over his face, “They will only see this as an attempt to reach above my station…I can’t sully your name this way. We can’t do this.” His voice sounded certain, attempting to convince himself just as much as her.

She felt like breaking, glass cracking in her chest as he backed away. He looked to her tear stained face, trembling a bit, but then retreated away quickly. She heard his hurried footsteps get fainter as he left the castle gardens.

Matilda sat stunned for a moment, feeling as if the world was falling in around her.

The Lady Tarnished rubbed her daughter’s back in gentle circles, face solemn. Matilda laid on her bed, face buried in her pillows as she cried. For the moment, she was inconsolable. Her mother stayed by her side, quietly giving comfort.

Hearing the distress, Morgott entered the room. Anger filtered over his features at seeing his daughter so heartbroken. His grip on the cane tightened, knuckles white. Before he could speak the tarnished fixed him with a sharp glance.

She mouthed the words silently: ‘Not a word.’

He squared his jaw a bit before turning on his heels and disappearing into the hall.

Days later Morgott found himself walking through the gardens. Matilda stopped crying, but was far from alright. He expected the sadness to be fleeting, a simple fancy.

She’d hadn’t left her room or eaten more than a few bites, Morgott hadn’t realized how deeply she cared for the knight. He didn’t care much for the idea of his daughter trifling about with men, yet he wished to see her happiness more.

He came across a young knight, sitting quietly on one of the stone steps.

The man was bent forward, helmet cast aside to reveal mahogany curls. Hearing the omen approach, he looked up suddenly. Morgott saw a mixture of fear and shock filter over the knight’s face as he scrambled to his feet.

“My Lord.” He saluted.

“At ease..” Morgott paused, tail flicking a bit behind him.

The knight swallowed, before sinking back down onto the bench. His posture stayed ridged bower, tension thick in the air.

“Art thou the one that hast caused mine own daughter such distress?” Morgott asked gruffly.

The man flinched before answering honestly, “Regrettably, my Lord.”

“Thou must be quite the man to bring Matilda to tears, she’s usually not one swayed so easily.” Morgott commented, raising a brow.

“My Lord, I-,” Lír began to stammer but a raised hand stopped him.

“Thou doth not need to give mineself a reason I've already been privy to.” He lowered his hand, speaking more gently, “I simply wish to offer advice. Prithee, humor an old man, if only for a moment.”

The knight looked taken back, nodding quickly once he caught himself, “O-Of course, my Lord.”

Morgott leaned heavily on his cane, eyes steady as he regarded the young knight, “I have found that people will say what they will no matter the circumstances…that it is foolish to let such gossip rule over one’s happiness. Doth not waste a lifetime in discovering that fact, as I have.”

Lír looked down at his boots, face solemn as he listened.

The other sighed, adding, “I will not force thee, but know this: Thou has my blessings if you should choose to pursue her…”

The knight’s head snapped up, amber eyes pooling with confusion. He looked as if he wanted to speak, mouth open. Whatever words died on his tongue; gaze shifting downwards once more, in thought.

Morgott nodded, turning to make his way back to the castle. Lír watched him go, head a mess.

Many long moments passed, until suddenly a thought struck the young man. He was on his feet in a moment, off on a quest of sorts.

#Matilda and Lír #angst dabbles #sad shit yo #elden ring #elden ring dabbles #a Morgling

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isonoe-kallichore-kirby · 1 month

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School sucks // TW: SH, SA, bullying

I know a lot of people have said this, but I want to share my story and how school messed up my mental health. In 1st grade, there was this art teacher that we will call Mrs. Perfectionism, and you can see what she was all about by her name. She was a perfectionist who would make fun of us for making little mistakes (this was in art class, by the way). She was also the substitute teacher in the 3rd grade. In 2nd grade, the teachers hated me for being "behind" in class when they never helped me when I asked for it, and they made fun of me when I cried and got bullied, and they normally would say, "Aw, are you going to try to your mommy?" and everyone would look at me and laugh at me. In 3rd grade, I got bullied for my looks (I was very pale in 3rd grade, and people would say that I had the plague because you could see my veins and I had a gut) and say I was a vampire or had diabetes for this (I think it developed into me having some kind of body dysmorphia since I starve myself a lot and hide my body). I had a lot of fake friends that lamented at me for being too “weird." I was also known as the "weird kid," so people would make stuff up about me like I was a vampire. In 5th grade, there was a rumor that I was dating a boy that I was friends with (this was before I came out as trans). And I was forced into a relationship with him. He was a cheating bitch that was creepy; he would make very creepy comments about girls' bodies and would say things like “I wish you were nude” or make sexual gestures toward me and other girls. Me and some other girls told the teachers but they didn’t do anything until our parents said that they would pull us out if this keeps happening (it still did but we were told to keep our mouths shut), I was also forecast into another relationship with another male friend, he was a bitch and a cheater, he would tell me if I broke up with him he would beat me, so I stayed with him until I learned he was cheating on a girl by using me to cheat, I told that girl what he was doing behind her back, she wasn’t happy so she broke up with him, but she got back with him like 3-4 times (I don’t know if there still dating or not, we don’t talk anymore since I’m home schooled) and I decided maybe boys aren’t good, I’ll try girls, I did and there was a girl I liked but I learned that she was a narcissist the hard way, when we broke up she send her friends to harass me and said I “abused” her (we were fucking 11 how the fuck was I abusive, if she wants to see abusive she can meet by bio dad to see what real abuse is). In 6th grade, I was bullied even more, and I was even harassed many times for being aroace and trans. And for being weird (I have undiagnosed autism which I’m trying to get diagnosed for) One day I was on the school bus on the way home, and the boy behind me thought it was funny to touch my chest. The person who sat next to me told me since I was zoned out. I told my parents what happened, and they went to the school and told someone. They tried to talk me into staying at that school. I’m homeschooled now.

#school suuuucks #tw assault #tw sa mention #tw selfhate #tw self h4rm #tw mention of sh

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cheqorb · 4 months

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I really like your various! blue lock x android! gn!reader very much. Could it have a part 2 :3?

P/s: My English is not good and I had to use a translation tool to make this request, I hope you understand, have a nice day <3

WIRED HEART, 2.0 ft. chigiri, kunigami, reo, nagi

in an attempt to further develop the egos and train the upcoming football stars’ skills, the japan football association introduces a cutting-edge addition to their program; an android!

NOTES: hope you have a nice day too anon! you didn’t specify any characters so i just went with who i think are popular. and accidentally made this one way better than the first part? oops. also made reo & nagi’s way longer than the others?? idk how that even happened, i’m so neutral about those two i literally do not have a single opinion on them. deadass my fav character is chigiri so i wanted him to get five arrows instead of four.

pt.1 here! (ft. niko, bachira, isagi)

i love CHIGIRI, but he would definitely be the least enthusiastic about you (initially) out of team-z. as he came to blue lock to end his career once and for all, he isn’t exactly in the right headspace to interact with this…person..? thing?

in which i mean, why bother when you’re so perfect at everything? it’s practically the universe telling him that his dream wasn’t worth chasing before he could begin get his hopes up. like isagi but even more of a pessimist; a human will never, ever, reach the capabilities of a machine. it only further roots his opinions on himself and what the future holds for him, nothing.

i feel like a bit of bitterness might also reveal itself if you ever spoke on his reluctance to improve. he knows that you don’t mean to poke any fun at him when you ask why he doesn’t bother to train as hard as the others, he knows that you’re not being rude (on purpose) when you tell him he could exceed his current ranking if he just tried, he knows that he can’t lash out at you for doing your job. or rather, he should know that. he should understand why you’re doing this, but he doesn’t. he ends up telling you, essentially, to mind your business.

also, perhaps some slight jealousy because you’re an android? even if you got ‘injured’, it was temporary. one day of repairing would be enough for you to come back in mint condition, unlike his which would likely end his soccer career if it tore again…well it doesn’t matter, chigiri highly doubts you have the coding to comprehend humans anyway.

after finally getting his character development in the match against team-w, he does change though. it might not be instant, but he does slowly become more willing to listen to your advice and push himself to reach the number one spot. i don’t think he would apologise (not that you really care), at least not with words. it’s more-so his actions that tell you he’s sorry for his previous behaviour. he stays for the entirety of practice, even doing more than he should, become more talkative in strategy meetings, occasionally speaking to you, etc.

he’s still a bit awkward around you, but ‘in a stranger-turning-into-a-friend’ sort of way rather than an ‘i-hate-your-guts-and-wish-you-didn’t-serve-as-a-constant-reminder-of-what-i-could’ve-been’ kind of way. he does try to be nicer too! if you’re in a form of sleep mode or charging up power, he’ll volunteer to watch over you as he’s blow drying his hair. if you’re ever curious about some more human aspects of life, he’ll answer your questions (most of the time) to the best of his ability. small stuff like that.

KUNIGAMI is a sweetheart through and through; helpful, caring, the standard of any nice guy. i think he’s be just as kind with you as he is with anyone in blue lock, it doesn’t matter that you’re not human.

of course, he isn’t without his own skepticism. in my opinion, he has a more ‘traditional’ view of soccer. he might find the concept too detached from the values of soccer he’s grown up believing in: teamwork, fair play, the unpredictable nature of human players. could an android really be programmed to do all that? could it really manage to copy the dynamics and emotional aspects of coaching that a human can provide?

but then, he sees you in action and all of his doubts vanish, replaced by a newfound sense of respect for you as he acknowledges you not merely as a machine, but as a genuine trainer. he accept your criticism and follows them to a t, evident in his improved performance during one-on-one drills and general matches. this only reinforces his belief that you’re a good person! sure, maybe it’s just your coding that makes you help him, but you’re also the product of someone genuinely invested in the players’ success and improvement. that’s enough for him.

it also helps that you can adjust to any player’s preferences at a whim, as well as your build being quite similar to him. it’s easier to practice when he doesn’t have to worry about his partner being knocked over by the sheer muscle he’s got, in fact, he should be more worried about your metal body hurting him (which is pretty rare for a guy like kunigami)! if you need any heavy lifting done, e.g. carrying boxes or supplies, moving weights to another training room, or even just generic chores, he’ll gladly lend a hand.

now, if we’re talking about it kunigami after wildcard…even you notice the stark change in his demeanour, which says something. like, what do you mean you don’t want to be a hero anymore? when did your plays get so aggressive? do humans always change their mind this frequently? your curiosity is piqued but nevertheless, you don’t treat him any differently from when he was in team-z. he (somewhat) appreciates that. the two of you mostly just sit in silence if there isn’t anyone else around.

ever the business man he has grown up living as, REO isn’t exactly shocked when he hears about you. the guy reads finance and business magazines in his free time, no doubt he’s kept an ear out of the last discoveries in technology and whatnot.

and yet despite this, he’s genuinely taken aback when he sees an actual android functioning as a trainer. while you might assume he'd have anticipated such advancements in technology by now and he probably has, it doesn’t stop the feeling of raw excitement when he sees you. i mean, an android is a pretty big deal! i’m not sure if he would talk to you directly or admire from afar at this point, but either of the two would work.

though, with that excitement also comes an underlying sense of sadness. he’ll probably get bored of you someday, like the rest of the things in his life tend to go. the initial enthusiasm would fade away, and he’s left with boredom again. pretty sad, huh? but that’s just the way things go, reo thinks, nothing much he can do about that. much to his surprise however, seeing you on the artificial green fields of blue lock only makes him…more excited..? strange. well, at least he isn’t bored of you yet (i’d warn you though, the moment he realises that you won’t ever grow boring to him is the day you’ll say goodbye to any alone time you once had).

after that he sort of treats you like he does nagi, albeit to a lesser extent. basically forces you to hang out with them, “we’re the only ones who score anyway so should you pay attention to the others?” kinda attitude. of course (unlike his lazy companion) you make decisions based on pure logic and you won’t simply forgo your job like that. it riles him up even more tbh, after all, anything worth having should not be given to him; he should have to work for it. but no matter how much he tries, his words will never sway you or bother you in the least. also not sure if he’d give up or just straight up intensify his behaviour (can you tell i know his character just so well?)

once nagi leaves him in the dust for isagi however, his whole mindset changes. he’s got no-one else and nothing else going for him in blue lock, his own treasure abandoned him like dirt and the only thing on his mind is to make nagi feel as alone as he did (which doesn’t really work). even though you are an android who probably couldn’t care less about these dorks, you’re also programmed to make sure every player performs their best. which includes boosting their morale! eh, but it’ll take a lot more than a few words of encouragement to help this guy (again, i have zero clue if he would appreciate your ‘sympathy’ or hate it.)

on the opposite end of the spectrum, NAGI stands out as one of the few who genuinely couldn't care less about the idea of an android trainer. to him, it's just a "oh cool. anyways-" situation. he 100% forgets you’re even an android sometimes.

in the early stages of blue lock, nagi’s passion for soccer ranges from minimal to non-existent. at most, he thinks you’d come in pretty handy when he wants to laze about which appeals to him quite a lot. if reo ever feels too tired to carry him to the dining hall (hypothetically speaking of course, reo’s never had that issue) you could be a perfect substitute. robots can’t complain, can they? that’s one thing he would definitely like about you. he doesn’t mind the silence either, talking too much is a hassle anyway.

his only complaint about you now is that you care, way more than he thought you would. it’s not exactly what he was imagining. it’s kind of annoying. you nag at him: saying he shouldn’t skip practice, he should spend more time not being so reliant on reo, his attitude to soccer won’t earn him the title of the number one striker. that last one especially irks him in a way, but he won’t ever admit it. he doesn’t even know why his face slightly tilts downwards when you say that stuff, he doesn’t care. yep. he doesn’t care. not at all. nagi considers one of his actually positive traits is that he’s a pretty chill guy, so he doesn’t run into conflict with others all that often. your persistent, unwanted advice seems to be the exception here.

but, arguing with an android seems like way more of a hassle than just ignoring you. besides, even reo’s persuasion can’t convince you that he can afford to skip practice, even if he listed all of nagi’s talent and achievements as a player one by one. you only reply back in that same, stupid, monotonous tone as always. “exactly. talent is what has got him here. not skill.” can’t you just accept he’s good at soccer and let him sleep in? can’t you do anything but complain, and complain, and— ah. maybe he’s losing himself a little. he admits, no one (except you know who) has ever cared so much about what he did in his life.

following the loss to team-z and fueled by a growing curiosity, he’s much more interested in your advice. even if it doesn’t look like he’s paying attention as he’s playing a game on his phone, he is. nagi now wants to improve and beat isagi, his newfound determination is honestly a bit a jarring for you. i mean, this is a good thing that he’s so motivated now, right? must mean you’re doing a good job so far, good on you? he now wants to be better, he’s got the ego and wants it to expand further too, what more could you have hoped for? he doesn’t even realise that he finds your nagging a bit more endearing now.

#[ 𐙚 ] CHEQ. — writing #[ 𐙚 ] CHEQ. — from the heart !#[ 𐙚 ] CHEQ. — bllk #blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk x reader #blue lock x you #blue lock imagines #chigiri x reader #chigiri hyoma x reader #kunigami x reader #kunigami rensuke x reader #reo x reader #reo mikage x reader #nagi x reader #nagi seishiro x reader #gender neutral reader

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thejacemister · 5 months

Text

Remember when..

Remember when we walked into Pichardo’s class? Frank was my only friend in the school from Middle.

Remember when there was 4 of us sitting in Bio before the class got split up?

Remember when I had to go home early to go to the doctor’s? You asked me something before i left.

Remember when you were trying to get over Santi in French class? I wish I could’ve learned more french to talk at you.

Remember when “Judas” was one of your favorite songs?

Remember when..

Remember when you were obsessed with Emperor penguins?

Remember when Santi popped up on you unannounced at your house that one morning. you told me about it in class. one of the first times i saw you sad and frustrated.

Remember when Velez slapped your ass and used to call you flat? god he was such a fucking prick.

Remember when Lyn got with Momo and you became his confidante for a bit?

Remember when you got with Fluffy and then Setuain? I was there both days. I pushed Fluffy and then I pushed Alex. I liked you so much at that point, i didn’t have the self love I have now to ask you out myself. I felt they were better for you because who could like a kid like me? when they have so much more to offer? Alex’s brains and Matias’s charisma.

Remember when..

Remember when we all used to share food in and out of lunch? a surprise we didn’t get a mono. (but heather did)

Remember when we talked all break and you forgot about Alex? i didn’t mean to cause that. But i really liked you at that point. you were driving me insane.

Remember when I promised you I would always be your best friend? or when you promised me the same?

Remember when you used to tell me you love me or “lolololololooove me”?

Remember when you used to make whack whale jokes?

Remember when we used to say hi to each other? A kiss on your cheek to express the unspoken words i couldn’t find it in myself to tell you. or a huh to embrace you with that warm feeling I got everytime you would pass by me.

Remember when you misspelled your last name and failed that one notebook in Baglos?

Remember Baby Menendez? or when that was your contact name on my phone?

Remember when…

Remember when you, Kristhal and Lyn were inseparable? or when you and Lyn separated?

Remember when we all went to the bookfair. you had a blue striped sweatshirt or cardigan or whatever the fuck it’s called. i thought you were the prettiest girl at that fair.

Remember when we rode on the bus back? I couldn’t stop talking to Alex about how you made me feel.

Remember when we had the testing with Ms. Crawford?

Remember when you thought I was crying?

Remember when she called you a shone?

Remember those notes in my iPod?

Remember when…

Remember when I finally got the courage to ask you out? the results weren’t the best. but necessary for my character development.

Remember when we stopped talking?

Remember Stroy?

Remember when you started your sophomore year with your red hair? we still weren’t talking but I had to catch my breath when i glanced over at you

Remember when there was a rapgroup in our school and they beefed with Mario? and you were in the middle of it? peak high school drama ngl

Remember when Lyn dropped you for good? got good with your for 2 weeks and dropped you again?

Remember when we were friends with Camilo? you remember that Angel… right? he pushed me to talk to you. everytime he saw me with you, he would tell me to get out of my comfort zone and tell you how i felt about you. in my head i used to say “if you only knew what happened the last time I tried showing my guts to you”

Remember when I had all those songs I used to say reminded me of you? or the ones you would dedicate to me? “Corazon sin Cara”

Remember when I used to gush over your red hair?

Remember when i first met Jessica?

Remember when Rob came to see you guys? I was soooooo jealous.

Remember when…

Remember when we started talking again? worst time too. you were just starting to hook up with Stroy.

Remember when we had Malewski’s class? Remember that particular class where I knew I was in love with you?

Remember when you used to catch me looking at you?

Remember when we used to show how much we loved each other?

Remember those fights we used to have as friends? they used to get really ugly.

Remember how innocent we were?

Remember when i fb messaged you saying that bullshit ass line about looking up at the stars? barf.

Remember when I was at Benihana’s with my family and you were at work?

Remember when I used to double text?

Remember when I used to show you how much of a SIMP i was for you?

Remember when I gave up on you?

Remember when i got with Cynthia?

Remember when you talked shit on me? and her?

Remember when we broke up?

Remember the weekend you came back from a church retreat?

Remember that nasty fight? I told you a lot of mean things. and you responded in the same manner. I don’t blame you.

Remember the following days after the fight? it was like the eye of the hurricane. the wall of the hurricane (the fight) hit us both hard and other side of the hurricane was the end of our friendship and the start of something new.

Remember when we couldn’t decide if we should make it August 1 or August 20 (start of the new school year)?

Remember when I came to see you in a dress shirt and tie? I really wanted to impress you.

Remember that red/orange dress you had on with that gold belt? you looked stunning.

Remember our first kiss? or the one we had outside of the school on the first day back to publicize it to the world?

Remember when we used to say sweet little nothings to each other?

Remember when we made promises of the future? not knowing what life is about and making these promises? by the old gods and the new, we were both so naive. I meant every word of em and i hope you did too at the time.

Remember when you were taking x?

Remember when I made you stop? you never stopped resenting me for that. even years later.

Remember when I started smoking? I guess we all have demons we like to make ourselves be numb too.

Remember when I gave you the take care cd?

Remember when..

Remember when we traded iPods? I got to know your music taste a little more and you got to know mine.

Remember when we used to volunteer? I hated volunteering. But I used to do it with you. and that was worth losing sleep over.

Remember when Carlos was in the picture the first time?

Remember when I came and saw you at the hospital? I had NEVER been on a bus by myself and I took the complete OPPOSITE route to where you were at. don’t judge me 🙄 i told you that day I didn’t get in trouble. BUT i got grounded for awhile and never told you. you were worth getting in trouble for.

Remember when we went to the woods everyday after school?

Remember when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other?

Remember when I finally met Pita? she still talks about it to this day. and i told her how scared shitless I was because you and everyone was telling me she is the hardest one to win over. she laughed about it.

Remember when we made Ms. Vincent quit and Ms. Joseph picked us up REALLY fucking upset at us? we deserve it tbh. what kinda nerdy kids bullies a teacher. fucking savage.

Remember when 50% of our conversation were inside jokes?

Remember when you were would used Tango to video call every night?

Remember when you put me on to the Walking Dead and Prison Break? lets go further and say remember when you put me onto netflix?

Remember when we used to fall asleep on the phone? one time it got to 8 hours on the phone. I went to school with NO battery a few times.

Remember when I used to pick you up for every hug? remember the kiss you used to give me when I did that?

Remember when I skipped class to come see you and I got grounded for lying about being sick and coming to see you? I still got a new phone that day so who really ended up winning?

Remember when I used to have to text you from my iPod because i would get my phone taken away for being a prick of a child.

Remember Clash of Clans?

Remember when we used to sneak a few glanced at each other in spanish class? Jurrist always had to separate us during movie times. q chismosos son esos maestros diosmio

Remember when I used to wait for Pita or James to pick you up everyday after school?

Remember when you became with friends with Daron?

Remember when we smoked together? i’m sorry I took it so far. I always had a reason to smoke when i should’ve been finding reasons NOT to smoke. but hindsight is 20/20

Remember when you couldn’t go through IB? I was never disappointed in you. I always loved you regardless and supported you. IB was hard and its meant to break people. i’m surprised i got out in one piece myself.

Remember when we would see each other all summer going into Senior year?

Remember when you stayed at Pitas?

Remember when…

Remember when we would go to Lincoln Road or Aventura? any place with you was the highlight of the date as long as it was you.

Remember when I used to get down on one knee and tie your shoe?

Remember when I used to piss you off? sometimes I wasn’t the most mature guy. But you were really pretty when you got mad at me.

Remember when I introduced you to Robert and Anthony (fuck him btw)

Remember when you were Jc’s girl and I was Steph’s boy? i think that was the start of the falling out.. we stayed with that label when we are so much more. you were never JUST my girl. you should’ve always been Stephanie ft. Jc’s girl.

Remember when we went to visit Penn State? that was my first flight. and you held my hand the whole way. I was scared and shitting bricks. it makes me think of that Inception quote. “you’re waiting for a train. a train that will take you far away. you know where you hope this train will take you, but you can’t know for sure. yet it doesn’t matter.. because you’ll always be together”

Remember when we thought we were gonna grow old?

remember when…

Remember when we found a house last second?

Remember when we went with your dad in that uncomfortable ass truck (to this day, this is one of your most annoying days that i’ve ever had with you).

Remember when we first got to the house in Pennsylvania?

Remember when you only lasted a month in school?

Remember when you started working?

Remember when we started growing apart?

Remember when I betrayed you? I was playing Gears of War. you were doing Laundry. and you heard me talking to someone on the mic. looking back, i wish I could’ve slapped myself silly for being such a headass and letting myself get consumed with resentment and not talk things out with you and letting things happen the way they happened. but again. hindsight is 20/20. we must do better moving forward. its what i’ve been telling my cousins these days. your past actions do not define you. don’t let them define you by doing better. moving forward, move the right way to show you aren’t your past actions. that event was a shadow I couldn’t ever get myself out from under.

Remember when we broke up?

remember when…

Remember when we got back together? I knew what i was doing saying the things I did before the final breakup. I knew by telling you you were only the second choice then because homegirl did some shady shit, i knew you’d react accordingly. After all.. who wouldn’t right? having someone tell you that you were not the first choice again. that’s rough. younger me musta felt it was getting back for the lunchroom curb. But that was younger me. he was brash, arrogant, and frankly not a cool dude. a bit of an asshole too.

Remember when you told me you’d get over what I did? but you never did? its okay, i don’t blame you. that stain is VERY hard to wash.

Remember when we would spend summers with Rafa? and I would work in painting? i’m gonna level with you. the early mornings made me hate that job. and i would’ve stayed just for you. but truth is, i didn’t care for it. and it showed on my work. my lack of care. unfinished work. it just showed. another decline in the relationship.

Remember when Choco came into our lives? i won’t forget. after all, you did get with him and then gaslighted me into thinking I was making stuff up and grabbing at straws. taste of my own medicine huh? you pulled it off better than I did. props. that one hurt ngl. and it made for a helluva character development. the worst part is, you’re never going to admit it to me. I never got closure for it. and I guess i don’t deserve it at this point. But to counter my own point, i’m at the point where i’ve moved on. I know the truth and that’s all that matters. I can live with that.

Remember when you worked at Macy’s? Remember when I used to walk to the bus stop every night to receive you? highlight of my nights every fucking night tbh. Walking up the mountain with you… is something I can never forget about. I still have dreams of just us walking in the night catching pokemon and just talking like two kids talking.

Remember when you got me dming other girls and saving pics? I had a problem. a bad one. I was just a piece of shit tbh. because how could I hurt the one person I claim to love? Those are things I look back in shame. How could I, as a man, have done that to the supposed love of my life with whom i had wanted to marry? I know that soured it for you more.

Remember when we ran from PA and came back to Miami?

Remember when I got kicked out and had no place to live?

Remember when you took me in?

Remember when I supported you through your Mother’s crazy escapades every night?

Remember when we had a month and a half to look for an apartment or we’d be out on the streets?

Remember when it started raining the day we had to move?

Remember when we FINALLY moved into our apartment? the start of the lease was our anniversary.

Remember when I was your chauffeur? I was the only driver and frankly I liked driving you around.

Remember when we adopted Luna?

Remember when we adopted JD? i was such a bad parent.

Remember when…

Remember when I got into the accident? I blamed you for it. Why did i do that? I hate myself for doing that. I was a spiteful and hateful little cunt. Gods was i a fucking prick By what right did i have to blame you for anything? what a fucking dumbass.

Remember when I worked at Winn Dixie?

Remember when I drove all day and night from Maryland with a new car?

Remember when I got moved to Autozone?

Remember when you told me you couldn’t stand Regina?

Remember when your mom moved in with us. I should’ve left her on the streets where she belongs. (jk she had pita to stay over at, but still)

Remember when I became a burnout?

Remember when we had no privacy?

Remember when we had no time for us?

Remember when my wrongdoings kept rearing its ugly head? maybe that was one of the factors for moving to Maryland.

Remember when we sold the van for extra cash to get us to Maryland?

Remember when we went to Washington DC?

Remember when I warned you about your cousin Pablo?

Remember when you accused me of being a misogynist? I was never a fucking misogynst. I would never deny you of anything kind of freedom. you were just you and didn’t let yourself do these things. this was another way of you gaslighting me. Now i know why you were throwing around that word in the end. ‘cause you were doing it to me.

Remember when you started working in the company?

Remember when you forgot I was your boyfriend? or your best friend?

Remember when I went to down to Miami under the guise of signing the lease for renewal / taking a break to “reestablish our priorities” but it was just an excuse for you to fuck Choco in a hotel unbeknownst to me?

Remember when I came back and I caught on to you two without even knowing the full truth?

Remember when you gaslighted me?

Remember when I threatened to leave? Cuba was the only one who knew what was happening. and he (with a blowup mattress) told me I can stay with him till i get on my feet. he didn’t have to do that. he didn’t know me. but he offered himself anyways. I took him up on his offer and told him nevermind. because you had already let me go.

Remember when I kept trying to get back with you

Remember when

Remember when I still stayed even after we broke up? i was fucking miserable.

Remember when I went nuclear?

Remember when I left from one day to the next? I was gonna give 2 weeks. but in my time of need, Pita told me “fuck rafa and fuck their company. they want to treat you like that? you don’t deserve that. they do not deserve 2 weeks. go fill the gas tank. drop it off. and come back to Miami because I have a room waiting for you” godbless her.

Remember when I was leaving that night. I asked you if there was anything you had to say. I was hoping you’d tell me not to go. It hurt when you didn’t . maybe if you had i would’ve stayed. but looking back… me staying wouldn’t have helped.

Remember when I told you not to worry where i’m going? One of the boys used one of your company trucks, took off the GpS and drove me and Michael to the airport. I slept at the airport and waited for my flight the following morning. slept is the wrong word. “i endured the night” is more like it.

Remember when you and your mom found out where i ended up the following morning?

Remember when I came back and slept on your bed? Frankly it was fucked up of you too. I put my credit on the line to get yall the two mattresses which you never helped me payback. instead you were using that same mattress for whoever you wanted in your bed. while sleeping on your exbf’s credit. must be nice.

Remember when you would hear about me through Jane? the evil part of me whispered lies about her to you in a way to turn her against you. luckily she was smart enough to catch on. my other biggest mistake. letting myself hit rock bottom and doing some scummy shit like that.

Remember when you came down and we ate nitrogen ice cream? that day was perfect. it was a glimpse of us. it was like nothing happened. it was just you and me again. and in that moment it was perfect. But i knew once it ended, we were still gonna be done. it was bittersweet and i still hold on to that memory.

Remember when I left Pita’s? I couldn’t go back with my mom. i didn’t have ANYWHERE to go. so i stayed in my car. I slept in my car and used my friends bathroom to shower everyday. she was heavensent in that little time period.

Remember when I moved back to Pita’s?

Remember when your mom cried wolf and painted me as a rapist/violator? I reached my low point when you, jessica and everyone had me believe what Jessica was saying was true. but yet… you knew me. and you know the kinda person your mom is and yet you still believed her…

Remember when you got the call the same night and you chewed me up and spit me back out the next morning. how could I argue? after all i blacked out after two drinks. two cocktails. by 10pm i was blacked out. we had gotten there maybe a little more than half hour before that. explain how that happens?

Remember when you thought I was lying about your mom and how she was treating me at work?

Remember when you disowned me basically. and wanted nothing to do with me for “taking advantage of your mom?”

Remember when your mom was 2 months behind on rent and since it was my name on the lease, I was going to get evicted for not even fucking living there?

Remember when I asked you nicely to help me get your mom out of the apartment because of the eviction and you called me crazy and that its never gonna happen? and then remember when I fixed myself and said “this wasn’t me asking for permission. its a courtesy call. its going to happen in 2 weeks.”

Remember when you accused me of being heartless for kicking your mom and brother out of the apartment? completely disregarding that you woulda let me stay on the streets in the comfort of my car than help me take back MY apartment (cause lets be honest, that apartment was a joint effort to keep and maintain. and you lost that privilege when you stayed up there with Enrique). you can have your cake but you can’t eat it you greedy shit.

Remember when your mom went batshit crazy (q raro) and instead of 2 weeks she was out in 1 week because she had been secretly bringing Carlos to the apartment after saying she has had no contact with him.

Remember when that came to light and it cleared my name? I had told Pita before about what happened that night. and I was sure to make Jessica the sympathetic character in the story. and she said that she doesn’t believe that story Jessica cooked up. Her own mother knows the kind of serpent her daughter is. that’s saying a lot. that gave me the conviction to do what i did near the end.

Remember when you wanted to talk to me after the whole thing with Jessica came out? You wanted to apologize for not believing me. unluckily for you, you finished showing me exactly the kind of person you are. and so i sent you to go eat shit and that you were gonna end up like your mom. at that point I no longer wished to get with you anymore. everything before your grandma believing me about the so called “violation” was me trying to get back with you and i would HAVE never jeopardized that. but that was long gone at that point.

Remember when I would’ve done anything to stay with you? and Now i’d do anything to prevent myself from being hurt again. yet here i find myself going down memory lane speaking into the infinite void in the internet for anyone to hear me.

Remember when I thought we were gonna be together forever? Those were the hopes and dreams of a boy. completely unrealistic expectations for a relationship that never progressed and was unable to allow two individuals to coincide and grow with each other than without.

The man i am now will always remember this. From this day to my last. I am not my past actions, and neither are you. When i move forward I try and do things the right way. to show myself and everyone else that I am better than the atrocities i’ve committed in my past. if you aren’t doing the same then the most I can say is, good luck, charlie.

Remembering when I had all these good and bad times with you is very bittersweet. but I look back and smile. they were beautiful memories. and younger me would’ve loved to make more memories with you. but i’m afraid it’s not something that is in the cards. for either of us. for me its to protect myself from getting hurt like that. and I know for you, its because you don’t even want to look at me. to you i’ve cause you a lot of damage. your reality is your reality as is mine. I won’t apologize for standing up for myself. take it how you want it. it no longer matters to me. I know the truth. and I will never light myself on fire just to keep someone else warm.

“Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love”

-ya boy Shakespeare

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llycaons · 6 months

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ep46 (3/3): this is what it's all about. but I talk about surgical policy and jc's innumerable issues for several paragraphs first

this is legit one of the most achingly tender scenes, maybe the moat romantic and beautiful until the very last shot. or even more so. debatable. I really love the last shot. but we're starting with...torture

so in order to wrap my head around the truly absurd prospect of someone being awake for 36 hours straight AWAKE given that the pain and physical stress of surgery would cause way more issues, I'm going to assume that the pain wen ning refers to is only partially physical. the rest is what he describes above - the spiritual pain of tearing out the core and feeling that life and energy drawn out of him until he's empty and cold inside. that makes sense to me. the ramifications of having a blood-and-guts awake operation for that long is dizzying. that is straight up torture

ALSO saying he couldn't have painkillers and had to be awake is such a blatant angst-milking from mxtx. usually the story toes the line just enough for believability but this (and wwx living on the streets as a 4 yr old too, tbh) really stretches the imagination. not that homeless young children don't exist but it seemed like wwx really had NOTHING and he hadn't starved to death or frozen or been mauled despite frequently being attacked by wild dogs so idk it seems like a lot to accept. ANYWAY

god this is so depressing for wwx. so I don't want to critique wen qing because modern medical ethics around surgeries were decades in development and it was kind of an unusual situation, but I really don't think wq should have done the transfer. wwx was a healthy individual with a very high risk of death from this procedure. according to some googling (I know), the highest risk for a non-emergency surgery is an exploratory belly case, with a 47% chance of death.

surgeons can and do refuse to operate if the risk is too high (which is partially about surgeons maintaining their numbers, but still). and jc didn't medically need this surgery, so there was no risk of death on either patient. wwx pestering her to try shouldn't have even mattered...like not to deny his bodily autonomy but that kind of medical decision would never fly today. also jc didn't consent blah blah but actually he did? it wasn't fully informed but he knew he was getting a gc from somewhere. also you could argue he wasn't in his right mind but I'm not the surgery police so whatever.

obviously that's not the point and I'm not castigating wq for doing a favor for someone she felt she owed deeply and probably preventing jc from like killing himself, but I can't help analyzing it from a modern periop perspective bc that's kind of what I'm trained for

god, I kind of wish jc had died though. sure it would have been rough and wwx probably would have been hounded by guilt forever and the jiang clan wouldn't have been restored bc jyl would have never gotten the kind of support she would have needed, but ummm maybe wwx could have married lwj + convinced him to help the wens and jyl could have married jzx and it would all have been fine? no, that's silly. jgy was still out there, and if he'd killed jzx and broken jyl's heart then wwx would never have let the matter go. well it's nice to dream

btw I read a fic once where he died and it was a really boring modern AU. jc is a really great rich character I would miss him I'm just SO sick of him these days. start weeping again IDIOT

*glares at the fanfic that made wwx say he would rather die than be ordinary*

REGRETFUL FLASHBACK TIME!!! strictly speaking lwj didn't NEED this the way jc did because he always changed his ways but he wouldn't be lwj if he didn't take it hard. and he's already been supportive but I can see this making him even more caring and attentive bc jesus christ what a thing to learn

aw yeah the elbow grasp. I love this shot. so many point of contact

wwx bitterly reflecting on what a brat jc's always been - petty, looking to hurt, brash, saying anything as long as it gets a reaction. you'd think he'd grown out of it but wwx seems to be resigned to the fact that he just hasn't grown up at all

...so THERE fanfic author that make him react happily when jc insults him! canonically he dislikes it and is annoyed that jc can't grow the fuck up! it's so annoying when fics make jc the mature one to wwx's silliness bc that's literally the opposite. jc being mean and harsh doesn't mean he's mature and it's really bizarre to see people take him so shallowly. and if reconciliation is to happen jc HAS to get over this he HAS to mature a bit and not act like a bitch when he's mad and take out his rage irrationally on other like that!!! even if he blames wwx for jyl it makes zero sense to blame lwj for his parents he just wants to cling to a justification bc otherwise his life's tragedies have made zero sense. anyway he has issues

awww he was worried about lwj! dw baby I don't think he cares what jc says about him

oh my god it's shijie 😭 the music going I'm going to cry. he sees her in the woods he sees her in the water he loves her so much he misses her she was everything to him love and safety and parent and stability and affection and family and he's never going to stop loving her or missing her is he! I'm miserable

and of course wen ning is like ? and then she vanishes and wwx feels so lonely and empty and sad he just repeats what he used to say to her bc she understood when he needed comfort bc showing love and family through food is such a huge theme in this series

here's what I don't get. why did wwx do this himself and then have lwj scold him?

that isn't very tender lover of you lwj!!! who cares if the lake has an owner, wwx is hungry!!

god wn is so funny here sitting with his lotus seeds <3

what they should have done was have this happen FIRST! lwj sees wwx is hungry and reaches down, breaking the stem and the precepts in one fell swoop! anything for his beloved, who he's just realized has been through even more terrible suffering than he could have imagined! I like to think they get there and he's still not used to this, but come ON writers!

all else being said, it IS a very romantic scene. even if wwx looks flabbergasted like that. like, touched, but also very confused

and HE LOOKS TO WN FOR CONFIRMATION I love that moment and wn is like nodding like yeah young master wei! it's okay! he loves you! yeah it is a surprise he did that isn't it! but it's okay! let's eat some lotus seeds! what a sweetheart

nice shot of wwx looking happy for once in this goddamn episode. happy ending to this awkward yet very sweet impromptu comfort food-stealing boat ride

omg I forgot that it's from the jin clan. fics will have the lans use these ALL the time.

and this is so funny too he gets so excited the boat rocks and lwj has to steady him

I always loved this opening shot for yunping! so so colorful

I had to delete some other shots bc I love this so much. excited about being remembered like this

and then so happy!! this is one if his most enamored looks. sappiest. most in love, even

personal highlights: this is such a delicious episode. SO satisfying

all of wwx's longing looks staring at the ancestral shrine. gutting

wwx sideways acknowledging just how much myu punished him

jc really pressed all of my buttons but in ways that made the response from lwj and wn really satisfying, so I guess he was a team player for that one

that one shot where jc looks just like his mom? their mannerisms are SO similar

wwx stopping lwj with a hand an inch from his pelvis region. awkward and yet very intimate

lwj pushing jc away from wwx very roughly and then so so tenderly bringing wwx to safety

wen ning's passion + excellent memory

jc sobbing. YESSS CRY

"let's quickly take young master wei away from here'

my epiphany that wwx's surgical pain is partially spiritual. it's still pain but do not take this away from me I can't understand it otherwise

elbow grasp 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

wwx complaining about what a terrible personality jc has always had

'I'm hungry' 🥺 and after an awkward stumble lwj came through!!! yess that's what wwx needs

wwx's adoring and pleased little smile at the very end. he's in loovveee

#cql re-rewatch #god this episode was a monster. two and a half hrs easy

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