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picoday2006 · 2 years

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newgrounds tshirts (1999-2000)

#newgrounds #1999 #2000 #old web #old internet #idk how else to tag this.#special interest #i want the last one so bad i really want to find it online someday #or the fda tshirt #the problem is i only ever wear like red and green lol

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ellies-enrichment · 9 months

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i can't believe i made so many text posts and my queue is still empty 2 days later does it not know i had a headache and needed it to keep going with new exciting posts that i haven't made because my head hurt

#rip #anyway i started a good girls guide to murder (??) last night #because i feel like im in a thing where if i dont consume brain rotting media i will Die (or create a *new* depressed oc)#like dont get me wrong the eras is fun but the streams are so bad in mexico city that its not consistent enough to stop the demons (my mani #and so i started the book #and turns out !! the good girl is NOT murdering people she is trying to solve one #sad #i kinda wanted a thriller where she just goes off killing people but now idk if i wanna finish the book so we'll see #i think my main problem is i wanna finish reading IT but i read 2 chapters in 2018 and it gave me nightmares so i stopped #and my other problem is that 'everyone in this room will someday be dead' is my favorite book #it cured my depression for like 4 months #and i'll never find another one like that #the story was so relatable it really hit me like oh wow sick #gave me new perspective as dumb as that may sound #and now every other book is meh #but today apparently i have to work on my queue so i'll be online today

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dreamweaversfavsandthoughs · 7 months

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Rick and Morty S7 Ep. 4: That’s Amorte

(There is no ethical consumption under capitalism)

Don’t read any further if you don’t want to spoiler your appetite…

My Favs

We got Morty back!

When the world was about to send out an Amber Alert on a missing kid, Morty decided to return to us! I’ve enjoyed the season so far but having Rick and Morty together is a stark reminder that the strength of this show is found in the dynamic between grandfather and grandson. Also, I love seeing Rick getting healthy and bettering himself, but I also love to see a Rick that’s amoral and a bit unhinged.

Facial animation:

I don’t know if this is due to the Irish animation studio they’re working with now, but I’ve noticed there’s a bit more diversity in the facial expressions compared to the last two or three seasons. Has anyone else noticed this?

They did a Soylent Green!

I predicted that this might have been a red herring seeing the initial clips and they might instead do something akin to the Universal Paperclip game, but a Soylent Green is what we got. Well, the idea behind the paperclip game is still on the table for next season…

Euthanasia, Cannibalism, and Suicide

Quite the trifecta of “subjects we don’t discuss in polite society,” but I admire them for taking the risk and weaving everything together well. Kinda surprised S&P let them get away with it.

“His dying wish is to see deader people so he can feel superior.”

Morty-O’s Suicide Spaghetti

“ Is this people or not people? I just need to know how much I should pretend to be upset.”

Oh, Jerry…

“They dyed their sun institutional gray.”

“Ooo gray areas. My specialty.”

Classic Rick

Kotomi’s cover of “Live Forever”

“Life itself is wrong and that means death is right. But you can’t side with that. So you live, even when it means eating.”

Not My Fav:

They could have gotten nastier.

This is my one small gripe in an episode that I think is fantastic. I’m confident there is an earlier draft out there that got so much grosser before S&P made their cuts and I demand to see that draft!

Release that nasty cut!!!

My Thoughts:

First my less serious thought, how in the hell did Rick find out that those people turned in spaghetti when they unalived themselves? My headcanon is that he has made a regular habit of impersonating a doctor on that planet because he sees doctors as nothing more than glorified mechanics, but for people. Rick knows he’s the smartest man in the universe and a proper scientist so practicing medicine would not be that much of a challenge and along the way he discovered this delicious trait about the Keplar people.

On a more serious note, there are two moments that really stood out to me. First, was when Morty broke the news of the spaghetti’s origin to the family and their reaction. They were angry and disappointed—in Morty for delivering the message rather than Rick for feeding them people-spaghetti. That spaghetti was amazing and brought everyone joy and they were more angry about losing their joy than the moral implications of consuming human flesh. Morty destroyed the illusion that they were “good” people and instead of actually being good people and refusing to eat the spaghetti, Morty created a work-around so that he and the family could still maintain the illusion.

That felt very realistic to how, dare I say, all of us have acted at some point, whether it’s the food we eat or that store that sells the jeans that fit perfectly or the online retailer that delivers anything we could possibly want the next day. Maybe, we find out someday that it’s not created in the most ethical manner and we rationalize it. We think, “ Oh, it’s not that bad.” or “ I can’t afford the more ethical option,” or "I have such few joys in my life I don't want to lose this as well.” It’s easier to uphold the illusion of being morally upright under a system that makes it exceedingly difficult to do so. But even if the capitalistic system is destroyed can we ever really be absolved? This leads to the second moment that stood out, Rick’s monologue.

“Life itself is wrong and that means death is right. But you can’t side with that. So you live, even when it means eating.”

My interpretation is that Rick is saying, “Life, by it’s very nature, is inherently unethical and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Even if the meat you eat comes from an animal that is well taken care of, killed as quickly and painlessly as possibly, and processed in a facility that treats its workers well and obeys all regulations—that animal still had to die in order to produce that meat. You’re a vegan. Plants are still living things and for many plants the process of getting food from them destroys them in the process. Millions of bacteria are destroyed every time you wash your hands. Life needs other kinds of life to end for it to keep going, but humans are the only creatures that are aware of this fact so we create arbitrary categories around which types of life are okay to destroy (categories we can’t all agree on) in order to maintain the illusion of morality.

This episode does not have a feel-good message among the jokes and absurd characters and I appreciate that. This one got my brain a-churnin’ and I’m sure I read way too much into this episode but I couldn’t help myself.

#rick and morty #rick and morty season 7 #rnm #rnm spoilers #rick and morty spoilers #rick sanchez #morty smith #that’s amorte

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weaselbeaselpants · 4 months

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If I were a cartoon review youtuber, some of my videos would definitely be:

Underrated Animated films you should see vol. 1 - ongoing

Complete look at Skunk Fu! and all it's episodes

What's ACTUALLY wrong with Illumination films (spoiler: it's not the designs). And that video would probably have a sequel ironically unironically accusing Chris Meladandri of being a White Walker who rips out movies' souls.

Disturbing Animated Film Iceberg.

A calming, sweet short retrospective on The World of Peter Rabbit and Friends.

Killing off the idea of "endgame". Tho, tbf, I'm definitely going to be writing that thesis statement down someday. I guess in video format it'd be a big "did this series REALLY fall off cuz the creator catered to fans?" breakdown of a few shows.

A video about 9. Because of course I'd make something about 9.

Politically heavy (but not horror) animated films.

An essay explaining the difference between what I want to see in a story vs what's actually good in a story; and likewise the difference between what I personally do/don't find offensive and what's objectively offensive as a viewer.

The dichotomy and standards between different talking animal films.

A review about Mary and Max and why I like it but it's okay if other autists don't. which would be a broader video about how to listen to the opinions of demographics and minorities and not to treat any one as a hivemind.

Movies that I dislike but aren't actually bad.

Movies I love that aren't really all that good.

A deeper dive on my take that Steven Universe was always deeply flawed but having an otherwise working ending; where Star vs was a well-written show that utterly biffed it on the ending.

The Swan Princess is secret conservative propaganda.

The 31 dumbest things in Oogies Revenge.

Zero's Journey is the only good TNBC continuation.

13 Horror animated Feature Films. For Halloween, of course...

My issue with Dreamworks' stans and why I dislike How to Train You Dragon 2.

My issues with Anti v Proshipping. Def would be a multi part series explaining why I think most of the problem is just people really aggresively bulling one another -AND THEN, getting into heinous fandom shit that no one talks about and the ethics of children online and freedom of expression.

Prolly then would make an exclusive (cuz it's dirty) review abt the rights of r34 and adult artists and what they had to/have to put up with both from peers and websites banning explicit material.

What absolutely doesn't work about Pocahontas and Anastasia.

I'd do a series called "Spitball Re-haul" wherein I go through a revisioned show's premise and then explain all the reasons for the changes. I'd make:

How I'd rewrite The Owl House season 3.

How I'd rewrite Star vs the Forces of Evil "Cleaved".

How I'd rewrite Strange Magic.

How I'd rewrite Raya and the Last Dragon.

How I'd rewrite Seasons 4-8 of Friendship is Magic.

My tinfoil hat video on Disney trying to profit so much off of fans is hurting their bases.

Mapping out and analyzing different types of crossover fiction, their merits and their issues with story-keeping.

Mythological and cultural animated films.

and finally, for when I'd muster up the strength:

an HBomberGuy-type callout/deepdive into MysteriousMrEnter and Lily Orchard and how they've made cartoon reviews worse.

#cartoon #cartoon criticism #animation criticism #cartoon reviewers #animation review #critical fandom #the owl house critical #svtfoe critical #Steven Universe critical #mysteriousmrenter #mr enter #lily orchard

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lavoixhumaine · 5 months

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i have officially posted my final fanfic for the year.

and boy howdy, it’s been a hell of a wild ride and i honestly don’t see myself quitting this anytime soon. i didn’t expect to find this kind of freedom in writing literally whatever the hell i want and finding people who appreciate it and enjoy it, but damn, it’s been so weird but fucking beautiful.

honestly, i’m trying to let go of the fact that so much has happened in the last few months because i’m really not the type who dwells on things. but i will be honest and say i am a little disappointed with myself that i was not able to finish hearts in atrophy in december as i originally planned. we still have january though, maybe february and then by march we get the real thing back so who’ll need fanfic then, yeah? pfft!

i promised some fellow bobby x athena fans i would get them through the hiatus. i don’t know if i was able to really live up to that but i hope i got to help in some small way at least. i love this ship so much and this fandom has been a dream. we’ll hold on to each other until the week of march 14, huh? we can do it!

anyway, seven stories in eight months doesn’t seem too shabby though, right?

i wanna thank everyone who took the time to sit down and read what i have to offer. i would also like to give my deepest and most heartfelt thanks to all those who left comments, kudos and took the time to write to me here on tumblr. and yes, this includes all the good things and bad things—i appreciate them all in different ways.

i am deeply, deeply grateful for the friendships i’ve been blessed with through this fixation. these fantastic, kind and generous duckies helped get me through some of the truly darkest times of my life. they probably don’t realize how much of an impact they’ve made in this oddball’s life but i hope someday they will. i wish them nothing but the absolute best and most wonderful, beautiful blessings for always.

and one last thing—

dear reader, i hope you have a lovely time ringing in the new year and you are surrounded by those who love you—whether that’s in person or online or by pigeon or snail mail. i wish you happiness, good health and comfort. remember to be kind to yourself and…breathe. see you next year 🌸

much love,

sunny 🌸

(i am taking this time to post this now because i am about to start cooking and after that, i will most likely get a little drunk—see ya’ll next year!)

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maverick-werewolf · 2 years

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Werewolf News - Seasonal Werewolf Product Roundup

The time of year is well underway - my very favorite season... fall! And why is fall my favorite season? Well, it’s not just because it comes before Christmas and also has my birthday - it’s because of Halloween!

Since I keep up with so much werewolf news and stuff anyway, I figure I will start making werewolf news posts here on the blog. Here’s the first one! It’s a bit late due to delays, but here it is anyway.

You can find the links in the titles for each product. This isn’t a full roundup yet, but just some of my favorite things I’ve found.

First up, have a cuddly werewolf...

Build a Bear Werewolf 2022 (currently on sale, as of this post!)

You may not know this about me, but I am a huge plushie collector and enthusiast. I love plushies (I dream of having my own plushie company someday; I’m actually working toward this). And I collect every werewolf plushie possible. It’s difficult, because scalpers love them and there are very few made. A werewolf plushie can end up being worth a lot if you can get your hands on one. Of course, I don’t want them for value, I want them because they are cute and awesome.

I may prefer my werewolves terrifying and fearsome, but look, I just love plushies, okay?

So here is a new plushie out for this season - Build a Bear has a werewolf plush, if you’re interested. I’ve been collecting these every year when I can. This design isn’t quite as good as the last two, because it has no glow-in-the-dark stitching, at least that I see mentioned anywhere, and the addition of brown in the yellow eyes is a weird choice.

But, regardless, it’s a very cute design, especially if you missed the last few years. I also can recommend the bubblegum scent, if you’re into scented plushies. It’s a great smell and not overwhelming, but it can be useful if there’s an offensive odor around.

Next up is possibly among the very coolest werewolf decorations I’ve ever seen for Halloween...

Home Depot’s 9.6-foot tall werewolf!

This big bad wolf is absolutely amazing. His mouth has a light in it, his eyes are LEDs that blink and move, he is absolutely freaking enormous and comes on a huge metal stand to keep him sturdy, he’s weatherproof, and he moves and he even howls and it sounds great (and looks great).

If I was rich, I’d buy this dude instantly. I’ve always wanted to have really awesome werewolf decorations like this guy. Sadly, I am not only not rich, I am completely broke, and I absolutely do not have the cash to spare to get this.

But if you do, then get him, because I’m not sure we’re ever gonna see a werewolf decoration as awesome as this. I have seen a few that kind of compare, but really, I’m not sure any of them quite stack up to this guy.

Home Depot has a few other werewolves, too...

Home Depot Macho Man Werewolf

This is an adorable little dude, and if the Home Depot within an hour of me actually had one in stock and/or delivered, I would get one immediately. Standing only at 13 inches, this guy can fit on your desk.

He also comes with animation and music; see the page for details.

And lastly, we have something pretty strange...

Home Depot Werewolf Pathway Lights

Home Depot went all out this year on werewolf products! I checked Lowes and I found one sad, broken werewolf hanging in an aisle, but I looked online and found all this werewolf stuff at Home Depot. I’m impressed.

This is the most hilarious one: werewolf pathway lights. These little dudes are pretty awesome, I gotta say. I’d buy them too if I could.

That’s all the news for now!

Give me a follow to get ready for this Halloween’s big werewolf fact and even more werewolf updates (including the release of my own werewolf books coming later this year and early next year)!

#werewolf #werewolves #werewolf news #werewolf plush #plush #plushie #build a bear #werewolf wednesday #werewolfwednesday #lycanthropy #lycanthrope #halloween #werewolf merch #werewolf products #halloween decorations #home depot #wolf man #wolfman

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puppy-coded · 2 years

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True Love{C.C.}

✰ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: small murder mention

✰ 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Chrissy Cunningham x reader

✰ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 800 words

✰ 𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Chrissy confesses her undying love for you

✰ 𝐀/𝐍: This is just me wanting to date lol, this is what I want in a partner <3 also haven't written for chrissy in a while and wanted to complain abt dating also written while i was(mostly) in a bad mood lol

You entered your apartment and slammed the door. Gods you hated life.

Not even for a good reason... at least, that's what you've told yourself.

All you had was another thing on your list of "don't"s and another reason to hate dating. Why is trying to find true love so hard?

"What's wrong?" Chrissy asked from her spot on the couch, not looking up from her newest embroidery project.

"Nothing." You huffed, flopping on the couch next to her and crossing your arms.

"Our poor door frame says otherwise babes." She joked, finally looking at you sitting next to her. "What's wrong? I wanna help." She offered sincerely.

"Love is worthless." You complained, laying your head in Chrissy's lap dramatically.

"What?"

"I'm just mad about a bad date." You explained, turning onto your back to stare up at the pretty blonde. "She said she wasn't really looking for anything serious, which, fine but it's not what I'm looking for."

Chrissy smiled softly at you and stroked your cheek as she talked. "Well... What are you looking for?"

"True love."

"What?" She asked again, puzzled by your answer.

"I want someone to be my... soulmate." You said dreamily. "I know it sounds stupid but I want someone to love me. I want marriage. I want someone to wake up and tell me I'm beautiful even with my morning breath and frizzy hair. If true love doesn't exist then what hope do I have?" You rambled, getting more and more frantic with each word.

Chrissy rubbed her thumb across your cheek and spoke softly. "Hey, you need to calm down, okay?"

"I hate online dating. I want the meet-cutes. I want the coffee dates and... and the lazy library browses. I eventually want a family even! I want to find my soulmate but either they don't exist or mine's in fuckin' Iceland or some shit." You ranted angrily, sitting up abruptly in the middle of it and almost hitting Chrissy in the chin.

Chrissy looked worried for you but still sat to look at you. "I promise you, true love exists. You'll find 'the one' someday. Just breathe alright?" She asked. "I need you to calm down. For me please?" She practically begged.

"But like," You started again after a deep breath. "I've only been rejected by two people. What if there's more. What if, one day, it's too much? What- What if my heart can't take it after the millionth rejection?" You asked, tilting your head back against the couch so you don't cry in front of Chrissy.

"Well, I think if you maybe looked in front of you then you'd find what you were looking for." Chrissy mumbled, picking up her embroidery again. She had an angry expression and was stabbing at her project like it had murdered her family.

"What are you even talking about?" You asked, looking at her like she'd gone crazy.

She sighed and shook her head, staring at the pink flowers she was working on. "You ever notice the little things?"

"That... you do for... me?" You asked slowly, hoping you'd guess correctly. But really, you'd watched enough rom-coms to be hopeful.

"Yeah. Like how I learned to make your favorite coffee. Or how I randomly bring home fancy books for you, or flowers on really bad days. Or that one time when it rained and we watched movies in a blanket fort because we both knew if it stormed you'd freak out. I even know your favorite candy are M&Ms." She listed with a small, humorless chuckle. "I'm into you. Hell, I think I'm in love with you. I want you to be my soulmate." She admitted, looking into your eyes at the last part.

You blinked, shocked by Chrissy's admission. "Really?"

"Really." She sniffed. "I'll always be with you. Tell you you're beautiful every day. Quench every craving. Give you everything you could ever want because I'm in love with you Angel." Chrissy smiled tearfully as she grabbed your hands. "I just never... verbalized it before. I was still trying to tell myself this was a friend crush." She said before letting go of your hands and putting her own in her lap.

"I... I think I know why I haven't clicked with anyone Chris."

"Why?"

You stared at her as realization dawned on you. "Because I think I was secretly hoping they'd all... be like you."

#➴➵➶➴athena writes➶➴➵➶#chrissy cunningham #chrissy cunningham x y/n #chrissy cunningham fluff #chrissy cunningham x you #chrissy cunningham x reader #chrissy cunningham headcanon #chrissy cunningham imagines #chrissy cunningham imagine #chrissy cunningham fanfiction #chrissy cunningham fanfic #grace van dien

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destructrice · 1 year

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It’s a rant but I do find it very alienating when radblr lesbians state that you have to be a goldstar in order to be a real lesbian, because “if we could avoid having dated men you could have avoided too” and as a late bloomer lesbian (not that late, I’m in my 20s I don’t have an ex husband, and even when I thought I was I bi I only dated women because I didn’t feel attracted to men until I dated 01 guy and it lasted 2 months and I went “nope” as soon as we got together [it was online dating until then]) and while I do get the point that some women were able to navigate the world without giving in to the peer, religious and conservative pressure to at least “give men a chance” and are goldstars, and I wish I was one of them, labeling all late bloomer lesbians as frustrated bisexuals is just… incorrect? Maybe some really are bisexuals temporarily frustrated by bad relationships with men, but that’s not what all of us went through? Like, when I talk to bi friends they all say “well I am really attracted to men, wanna sleep with them, I am romantically available to date men, may marry a man someday, that’s the bi experience” and straight women say “nope I don’t feel attracted to women, don’t wanna have sex with them, wouldn’t date or marry any women, that’s the straight experience”, so our experience as women who have “given men a chance” even when we didn’t really wanted is also rejected by bi and straight communities, what do goldstars that don’t believe in late bloomers propose, like a fourth sexuality? Because the other two don’t really encompass our experiences, attractions and lifestyles. Not trying to be hostile here and I get that sometimes it is true that bi women fake being lesbians for internet points, but it’s not really fair with all late bloomers to think we’re all like that, and it’s not even internet clout, like I live with women, I am open about my sexual orientation to my family and coworkers, it’s not a tumblr performance, it’s a real life experience with all the vulnerabilities that come with it. I think it’s pretty reasonable if goldstars only wanna date other goldstars and wanna form a safe place community to share experiences but it’s not only unfair but incorrect and inconsiderate to frame this as the only possible lesbian experience. Feel free to argue but politely please.

#discourse #radblr #lesbian

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dearlyjun · 5 months

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Omg I almost hit unfollow instead of talk I WAS LIKE NOOOO!!

Ooooo thats so nice!! Being a Multistan is great until you become broke! My first kpop group was Exo I remember Watching Monster and looking at Baekyun and being like who is this man and why is he so pretty!! Ngl I hid the fact that I was into kpop when I was in High school because it is so much more accepted now than back in like 2016! I remember one time in my AP Econ class I was sitting down and my school played a minute of a song before the bell rang and they played TT by twice and this guy behind me says "just like tt" AND I TURNED SO FAST!! I was like this isnt happening! we were both so shocked to find out the other was into kpop.

I am ENFJ from my last test result I took one last year!

I SAW A TT today and it was people making fun of californians because were all freezing our asses off rn! I really need to buy warmer clothing. I say this but I slept in shorts and a t shirt with the fan on last night....I KNOWW. I dont think I would enjoy driving in the snow that much. I feel like I would be stressed 24/7.

Japan is soooo nicee ive always wanted to visit!!

I saw your post about online schooling and let me tell you Ive always hated it. It feels so weird and you cant meet anyone and its lonely!!

Oh my god IM SORRY I TALK A LOT

ang please I love talking whether that’s to other people or just to myself so please I don’t mind!! 😭 (also hope if it’s okay if I call you a million variations of your name / nicknames because I do that lol)

ah I have actually known about seventeen since their debut in 2015 but I didn’t become a carat until 2022. weird shit. and I liked bts a teensy bit in 2019 when mots: persona came out but again….stopped listening. then the kpop stan came full force in april 2022. maybe it’s a good thing I wasn’t a kpop stan back in the day bc the pain of not seeing concerts sucks real bad. I actually don’t have any kpop stan besties irl, I’ve just converted my sister 🤠 she likes most of the same groups as me, just not the girl groups. (well she’s a casual newjeans listener)

I don’t even know what the weather is like in cali lol but I guess your cold is different from my cold. it’s like 35° here and I just went to the gym in a hoodie and a winter vest. we’re actually about to get some snow I think….grrrr😠 and yeh driving in it sucks. I’ve driven in snow storms so bad that you have to like sit up and drive in silence the whole way because you have to lock in.

since im going into the automotive industry, my mom has big hopes for me to work in Japan someday. even if its just temporary like a year or so. Im hoping after I graduate college i can travel there for fun and “plant the seeds.” BUT!! I have to learn some of the language first. im too sporadic with it and really need to buckle down.

yeah…..im a lonely girly lately. it’s really getting to me. I’m in my second to last semester of school and doing everything all online is just so very sad. I yearn for friendships.

#ash replies #angie ☆

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areseebee · 7 months

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20 questions game for fic writers

tagged by @strideofpride!

1. How many works do you have on ao3? 9

2. What’s your total ao3 word count? 153,297

3. What fandoms do you write for? derry girls at the moment, though i do have one lonely bridgerton fic.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? an intervening suitor, smoke break, making moves, someday, personal space

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? yes, always. it means a lot to me when someone takes the time to comment and, as a commenter who likes when the author responds, i like to be the author that responds! there was a short period of time last fall after derry girls season 3 came out on netflix when i felt pretty overwhelmed by the engagement with my fic and i let myself take a break from responding then, but i'm more on top of it now.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? smoke break

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i think i might be writing it now with someday, but of the fics i've completed, i think in their thirties has the happiest ending (sorry making moves, y'all are definitely breaking up in a couple of years).

8. Do you get hate on fics? nope.

9. Do you write smut? If so what kind? not at the moment. writing good smut is a skill that i think i would need to spend a lot more time developing. that said, i'm in the very early stages of working on a WIP that has a pretty sex-heavy premise so maybe i'll give it a try soon.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve ever written? nope!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? not that i know of!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? i have collaborated significantly - making moves - but i've never actually co-written. that's also a skill i would need to develop. i worry i would end up being an asshole to someone i care about since i don't like to compromise on creative decisions if i have a specific vision in mind. that said, i have loved my experience developing fic plot and characters with friends (which imo is a type of co-writing), so maybe the next step is full on co-writing.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? my favorite ship to write is jerin, if that isn't obvious. i don't even know how to begin to decide what my favorite ship of all time is.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? if i publish something online, i'll finish it eventually. no WIP left behind. but there are definitely ideas/half-written fics in my gdocs that i don't know i'll ever get back around to. there's something new i just started working on and have already put on the back burner for someday and i'm already wondering if i’ll ever finish it even if the vibes are impeccable and i've written some stuff in it that hits so good. but who knows.

16. What are your writing strengths? i'm very good at writing exactly what i want to read. taste and skill don't always match up, but they do a lot (and increasingly more so, the more i write) and i find that really fun and gratifying.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? i am very impatient. i always underestimate how long something will take me to write, and then get frustrated with myself when it's taking too long or i think the writing should be moving faster. i think i've moved too quickly past parts that needed more work because of this, which is frustrating when i go back and re-read past chapters (i'm thinking specifically of someday which i am tempted to re-write almost constantly). but i'm getting better at it. maybe i'm not getting not less impatient, but at least more persistent.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i mean if the fic called for it i could probably swing it in russian.

19. First fandom you ever wrote for? harry potter. my bad james/lily fic is now out there on ao3 after the site where i published in high school got archived a couple of years back, but i'll never claim it. i re-read something recently, though, and it was surprising how much i could recognize my current writing voice in it. the more things change the more they stay the same.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written? this changes, but right now it's smoke break. i just re-read it over the weekend and, while it's not perfect, it still scratches a very particular itch. i'm also very proud of in their thirties.

tagging: @private-bryan, @imstressedx

#long winded as always #my fic

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lalka-laski · 1 year

Text

Do you believe you’ve met your soulmate or one of them?: I can confidently say I have.

When did you last have grape juice?: Last weekend I made a delicious batch of "faux champagne" with ginger ale, club soda, white grape juice, and grenadine. It was a hit!

Have you learned anything today?: Every day's a learning opportunity, isn't it?

Have you been to any parties here recently?: Well, it wasn't "here" but I went to a Galentine's day party last weekend. It was a blast!

Are you good at reading body language?: Honestly, not really. I see what I want to see. Or rather, what my anxiety wants me to see.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: 7ish maybe?

What were the last 3 emojis you used?: Pink heart, heart eyes face, and a donut. Boy, if that doesn't sum me up entirely...

Is it currently warm where you live?: It's been much warmer than a typical February. Or at least it was 'til today.

Do you use Facebook?: Yeah, kind of obsessively.

Do you like the smell of coconut?: I went through a major coconut lotion & perfume phase but I overdid it (go figure) and now I have a hard time stomaching it.

Do you prefer longer or short socks?: Short, if any at all.

What size shoe do you wear?: 9

Chocolate or Vanilla ice cream?: Twist!

Do you or anyone you know have sleep apnea?: I know a few people

Where is your favorite place to be?: These days it's my bed with the lights turned off and some sort of "ambient" scene playing on my TV while I read my Kindle. Bonus pints if a candle's lit. It's bliss.

How many times have you fallen in the past year?: Too many.

Do you like to leave your window open at night or do you use a fan?: I love leaving the windows open when we can. But I still use a fan for white noise.

Is there a celebrity you dislike for no reason other than they annoy you?: Selena Gomez. I can't stand her but I can't provide any justification.

If you find a spider in your home, do you set it free or kill it?: I let 'em hang out and sometimes even name them.

Would you say you’re addicted to social media?: Yep.

How many pets have you had in your lifetime?: 3 bunnies.

Do you sunburned easy?: Within seconds!

Of all the houses you’ve lived in, which was your favorite?: I guess my current apartment.

Do you or would you ever use online dating?: I had a few brief stints on OkCupid and Tinder. It was a bad idea every time...

What do you wish you could get paid for?: Sleeping? Shopping? Eating pizza?

What did you get into trouble for as a kid?: Not much, honestly. I got up to typical mischief once in a while but I was a rule-follower for the most part.

What’s something good that has happened here recently?: I got a promotion!

Do you remember the first time you’ve ever driven a car? How did that go?: Yeah.

Who did you last say “I love you” to?: Glenn.

When did you last feel beautiful?: Yesterday I had a little "moment."

Are you currently frustrated over something?: Yeah. Our wedding photographer hasn't gotten back to me regarding the status of our photos and I'm livid. And panicked.

Would you ever like to travel to Ireland? Or have you ever been?: I'd love to someday.

Have you ever had a yard sale?: I don't think so.

Do you enjoy going to yard sales or garage sales?: Not particularly.

Do you know someone with a big ego?: Yeah.

What color is your most used blanket?: It *was* white once upon a time but it's much more gray these days.

Does it annoy you when people type in all caps?: I guess so?

Do you like gummy bears?: Love 'em.

Where is your favorite place to grocery shop?: Wegmans or Aldi.

Have any plans for the day?: It's Friday! Kathleen's picking me up in a little bit and then we're gonna go grab food and have a sleepover.

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guttcd · 2 years

Text

𝐀 𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐁𝐎𝐌𝐁𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐕𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐀...

DEJAN BENNANI ( cismale , he/him , emilio sakraya ) is 26 and a BOXER from PASADENA, CALIFORNIA. they are known as THE HEDONIST because they are CHARMING , but if things kick off, they can be a bit NARCISSISTIC they’re PANSEXUAL and describe their type as FUN AND EXCITING . from their time in the villa, they’re hoping to find FAME. ( aesthetics: going on a run at midnight, aggressive reassurances, bloody noses, backstage pep talks, the sudden urge to show off, clumsy attempts at being gentle, getting drunk off expensive liquor, lavish nights out, feeling like everyone is out to get you, )

CONFESSIONALS | MUSINGS | MIRROR | PLAYLIST | PINTEREST

b a s i c s

full name: dejan hassan bennani sexual orientation: pansexual occupation: boxer age: twenty six birthday: july 26 likes: fucking around and finding out, spending a ridiculous amount of money on materialistic crap, reading, sports, dislikes: clingy people, escape rooms, ketchup, clowns

h i s t o r y

being the only son of a renowned boxing coach meant his future was practically sealed from the moment he was born. after having trained some of the best boxers of his generation, dejan’s father made it his mission to make dejan on of the best boxers the world had ever seen.

unfortunately for him, the journey to make a certified punching machine was going to be a long one.

growing up dejan was a gentle kid, the type that would cry if he stepped on a worm and who preferred to go to the library to read books during recess.

he loved reading. every genre. his favorite book? moby dick. ( i’ve never read it lol ) he can’t remember much if it now, but he recalls daydreaming about going on a great ocean adventure someday. it was thanks to that book that dejan developed a love for the ocean and it even fostered a desire of becoming a marine biologist someday.

of course, that dream was cut short when his father began ‘ pushing ’ his son to pursue a career in boxing instead and by that I mean his father practically bullied him into it tbh

all’s well that ends well though ‘cus dejan ended up really enjoying it! the only setback? he became a spitting image of his father

his aggression, his narcissistic attitude, his inability to prioritize anything outside of himself and his desires, the list goes on and on.

p r e s e n t

one thing that dejan’s father got right was his son’s ability to kick ass. dejan had a natural athleticism to him so pair that an acquired taste of blood, glamour, and adrenaline? boom— you got yourself a professional boxer.

so with his ever growing career, what the heck is this guy doing on love island?

well, dejan had become a bit of an online personality, especially after having fought the one... the only... lo.gan pa.ul ( 🤢)

he ended up getting injured during his fight with him which resulted in dejan not only loosing the fight but also being unable to participate in any upcoming tournaments.

dejan was building good social media momentum though, so his manager suggested he goes on the show as to not loose the public’s interest.

if anyone asks, he'll provide that basic answer of wanting to find love yada yada yada

in truth, he’s here to stir shit and continue to add to his bad boy persona online.

does he believe in love? sure. does he think he’s capable of feeling it? maybe. does he think he’s going to find it on love fucking island? hell nah.

fun fact: he dated romi about two years ago. they had been friends since childhood but their relationship only lasted about a year. how did it end? romi walked in on him cheating on them with their... cousin. dejan being the man ( derogatory ) that he is, never fully apologized for the affair. they broke up, went their separate ways, and had absolutely no reason to interact. until now.

p e r s o n a l i t y

+confident +competitive +ambitious -judgmental -narcissistic -manipulative mbti: entp natal chart : ↑ cancer, ⊙ leo, ☾ sagitarrius

he’s a fuckboi your honor. an absolute menace to society.

fluctuates between being honest to the point it’s cruel and lying through his damn teeth to get what he wants.

years of being ridiculed for his softer side has caused dejan to become.... an asshole tbh. at this point he feels it’s become so engrained in his psyche that he doesn’t think he could change even if he wanted to.

the hedonist is his title because dejan is the type of man who puts having a good time above all else.

god complex whom?

judgmental little b omg his inner monologue? terrible. 9/10 is just thinking of reasons why he is better than everyone.

socializing for an extended period of time stresses him out lol i imagine the first thing he does when he gets in the villa is look for a quiet place where he can read.

feel free to try and fix him. lord knows he desperately needs it lol

gaslight gatekeep getfucked ™

OOC: hi i’m nuve! dejan is a new character for me so bear with me as i try to figure him out lol but im so hype to be here and i can’t wait to write with you all <3

#crackon:intro #intro:dejan

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captainmera · 2 years

Text

I know my messages don't reach you where you are.

But it still hurts to miss you.

Youre not there, on the other side of the screen, anymore.

And I feel terrible, my memories of you are blurry now. I remember bits, like you were never real to begin with. But you were real once, so real. At least my feelings were real. And maybe that's the only thing that matters in memories.

I wish I had more things of yours. More than text and stupid movies we streamed. 1... 2... 3... PLAY! Remember when we went thru all the seasons of ghost adventures? ...thanks for humouring me with that.

I wish I had something of yours so I could find comfort in that; at least once upon a time, you were really here on earth with me. And you mattered to me.

Where did you go?

I dont want the last thing you told me to be "happy birthday!" Why did you let that be the last thing you said?

I know my messages doesn't reach you anymore.

Ghosted gets a whole new meaning now, doesn't it?

Yeah...

You are just ghosts now. But you won't even answer my scrying calls. I'm not afraid of finding shadows behind me in the mirror, I would like to see you one last time. One last talk. Just to ask if it all mattered to you too.

Did it?

Or maybe you're not dead at all.

Are you?

Where are you...?

What happened?

Was it me? Did I do something?

No, that's not the kind of people you were. You would have told me to my face. You would have explained it to me if you had the chance, I know you would have!

If you could have...

And that's the thing, isnt it?

You would have told me.

But you didn't. So... you.. Must be gone?

Are you gone?

There's no closure to this I know. I'm just running in circles hoping an answer will present itself of what happened to you. To all three of you. Someone must still be alive, right?

You wouldn't just..

Leave.

Not without telling me.

Weren't I invited to the wedding? Weren't we all going to wear sneakers in different colours and she was going to wear a sleeved dress and you were going to have a navy blue suit and you were going to make the cake. And I were going to bring a basket full of love.

You would have told me.

If you had a daughter you wanted her to have my middle name. And you always wanted a sailormoon wedding. And you wanted me to see you sing live someday.

You didn't make me feel that loved on pretend. I refuse to believe you did that for jokes, for years.

Did something bad happen...?

I have tried to find you.

Tried to look in every newspaper, tried to find out, tried to reach out- I did try!

It's been three years.

Was it corona? Did you all die from it? All three of you? Or did one of you die and the other two didn't have heart to tell me and just thought this was better??

I'm... just..

So sad.

Y'know?

I think of you all the time and I can't, like, move sometimes. I can't move. I can't think and I can't make any sense of it. It is crippling.

And people say online friends aren't like real friends, haha.

Hah..

...

I just want to know what happened.

But this message won't reach you either, will it?

Kitten, PauPau, Cupcake.

I love you.

I still do.

Wherever you are, if you're alive out there still, I hope youre doing ok. I really hope you're okay. I much rather you be alive somewhere forgetting about me than dead and it's me who is forgetting.

I hope you had the wedding and I hope your pets are alright, I hope youre all bundled up together all happy-like in a house where kitten painted every wall and paupau draws his buildings and Cupcake bakes their cookies.

I bet there's an outdoor shower, she always wanted one. I hope paupau gives in on getting a chicken, you did agree on the dog after all. Haha, Doge. Who names their dog Doge? Haha! Javert the cat.

Was France alright in the summer? Do you still have farmers dumping free produce on your doorstep? Does Jean still work with Paupau? Or maybe they finally started their own architect business.. I always did think paupau was too good for that place.

Hey Kitten how's your class? Are the kids sweet? Did you use those art games I suggested? I hope you get to write your book. I want to read it. I want it signed and I will read it until it breaks in the seams. I want to hear you read it, I wish we could have that DnD session someday. Doesn't feel right to try it now. It.. I looked forward to it with you.

I hope youre ok Cupcake. I hope Darrell could keep the bakery and I hope Ame is doing well. What is she like, 15 now? Haha remember when you and me were conspiring over documentaries? Or all the barbie movies. Oh I miss Ostelkanny, I wonder what else you've thought up for that world, yknow? Tell me more about their gods, tell me more about Faina. You never told me how their story ends!

You never told me how it ends.

Is this how it ends..?

Not.. 10 years of friendship.. it can't just end with "happy birthday!" And then just....

Void.

It's.. too quiet here without you.

And silence hurts.

I miss you.

I love you.

Wherever you are, I love you.

I know this is futile.. My messages don't reach you anymore.

But still I cycle through hoping and grieving.

I just don't know.

I just want closure.

I cant close the book. I dont like this ending.

I want a different ending.

Is there one...?

Is there?

....

Please be okay. You promised to take care. ;-;

#liveblogging #grief #venting #grieving #cw #i am heartbroken #i cant find my friends #i just want them to be okay #i need closure so badly #friends #stuart #nyah #paul #please give me closure this is actually killing me

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dianalolihikki · 1 month

Text

Hey!💜🩷

I think I'm obsessed with this blog,because I was constantly thinking,or maybe rather worried about what I could write here. I used to write web novels and publish them online. I might add that I wrote them in my native language. Why do I say that? Because I wrote quite a lot about A and J. When I felt that someone from A and J's circle could find them I would panic and delete everything I wrote.

Now I don't even feel the need to delete posts, even though there is a lot more of me here than in those novels. So maybe I force myself into this panic about over-sharing A and J's lives here? Now I don't know myself. I literally felt at peace a while ago,and now I'm insecure again.

Sometimes I hate these neurodiverse mood swings of mine.

I know one thing for sure: I don't want to hide anything here or over-plan what I will write about. Then it will all lose its meaning a lot. If I do that then even now I can stop writing ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO DO, I DON'T!!!!

I hope I will stay here honest and true to the end. I don't want to stop being real. I don't want to stop writing. At the same time, I don't want anyone to feel bad that I'm writing about them. I don't want anyone to find out that I write about them,but on the other hand I don't want to hide anything. I want to write as before

I hope I won't stop.

And why did I stop writing novels? Because they were all practically about the same thing, which is me. I guess I'm either too uncreative or too self-centered. It is possible that both are true.

💮💮💮💮

Surprisingly, I finished writting my last novel, rather abruptly, even though there was probably the smallest amount of me there. Or maybe not so much the smallest amount of me, but rather a lot of my life was in there, but not directly. I don't know how to explain it, but I'll give an example. In previous novels, I wrote about J as my friend and physiotherapist whom I hadn't seen in a long time, which is how it really was. In the latest novel, I made him the brother of the main character. Why did I stop? Maybe there was just too little about me there? It also added a lot to the fact that I lost access to the blog where I was publishing this. My younger brother needed my google account for something and changed the password. Seemingly later I changed it again,but continued to have problems with logging in. Only that I did not even try to solve them. After all, I also published on other web sites,for example, on Wattpad. I didn't lose access to these websites, so if I wanted to I could keep writing. Apparently, I didn't want to.

Well, and I guess this diary satisfies my writing needs. After all, I'm writing about myself here. A sort of novel about my life. Well, and I'm typing it on my cell phone, so I can write anywhere and every day. Even when I will be at a physiotherapy camp,well unless I will be too tired to write.

Someday I'll have to write about the camp from September last year, or about my writing in the chat room. I have a "friend" there, to which I told him I am writing this diary. He asked me to type something in English about what I wrote here. I refused. I didn't want him to discover that I write this diary in an online translator and then just check that everything is correct.

Don't worry, it's not Google translator but something better. Anyway, I know English well enough to check if everything is ok.

I was never going to confess it here, but it's already done xD

I hope you guys won't be mad at me.

Although u so few people read this,which on the one hand is great,because I am safer,less people will find my blog xD

As for this friend it pisses me off that whenever I mention some man not related by blood to me he asks if I am flirting with him. This guy can't understand that I might not want to be in a relationship just because of the fear of loneliness. Loneliness is my friend. I don't care how pathetic it sounds.

💮💮💮💮

A. posted a video from Albania that shows her legs when she walks on the beach shore. Did she find out that I am posting here about her and J? No,that's impossible. I won't think about it anymore. I am posting here about this video to prove to myself that I will keep posting as before.

💮💮💮💮

I am pissed at K.

I don't know what time he will arrive tomorrow.

Theoretically K is supposed to be at my place at twelve o'clock.

However, he was supposed to confirm it,because on Friday he said that he doesn't know yet what his regular schedule will be.

Generally he has my mother's number, because for more than a year I have not had a SIM card in my phone, because I borrowed it to my brother.

I asked K on Friday if I could add him as a friend on Facebook or text him on messenger.

He agreed to text on messenger. Even then I noticed that he was not very enthusiastic about it, but I was and still am sure that I did not ask for anything wrong. I have every right to have any contact with him. I don't mean texting as with a friend but, for example, just asking about the time of therapy. I've already posted that I feel K would want to keep a professional distance, but I think he went too far. After all, it is his responsibility to inform me of the time of therapy if it is uncertain.

I texted him tonight about what time he will be at my place tomorrow. The last thing I would want is to be woken up in the morning by his coming too early. By the time I would get dressed it would be past halfway of the therapy

Supposedly on Friday he said he got my message, but I see the message marking implying that he didn't even get it. As if he didn't accept permission to text him.

With today's message, nothing has changed. He didn't even text my mother.

So I don't know anything.

This is just unprofessional behavior!

N says that K will probably send a message in the morning, but then it might be too late and I might oversleep.

Whatever the case, I set the alarm clock for nine in the morning.

💮💮💮💮

I'm finishing for today,because I'm getting tired already. 🎀

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #physical disability #physical therapist #physical therapy #writers and poets

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xxlethal-lunaxx · 2 months

Text

Ocd having me at the clutches and I wanna escape but I'm so scared of loosing compulsions and habits I've had for so long.

One of my biggest compulsions that I'd do sometimes since 13 is going to google/quora/reddit to "be prepared" for the scary situations i "could" go through (me just seeking reassurance by searching solutions for my intrusive thoughts). Whether its health anxiety or fear of me doing those morally wrong things, I will go to search what to do or how to prevent it. It didn't become a problem or chronic until early last year (2023), now I'm having a hard time preventing myself from searching the simplest shit and I feel embarrassed and crazy.

- (Example)

Me: *Brain plays long detailed scenario where I am with friends, I'm so happy, going places like the mall and feeling safe to be myself then suddenly I'm hated by them, or they laugh at me, or they find out my mistakes or the things I feel horrible about from my past. Or maybe it will just be me yelling and treating my friends/mutuals like shit and ruining the love I have* (this will play over and over again in my head as I try to tell myself its all fake and negative, that it wouldn't happen and that if it did who cares cause its not happening at the moment. Telling myself that I would never treat my friends bad because I would never want to hurt anybody.)

Me: *goes to google and searches "what should I do if my friends abandon me at a mall?", "how to tell if im being a burden to my friends", "how to tell if my friend is pretending to like me?" "How to tell my friends about my mental health without coming across as trauma dumping"* (A process which is not only exhausting but very repetitive. I will search these things to reassure myself and be prepared and see other experiences online for if it happens to me I can be "safe". It can be any topic and I will search and go on quora, it can take hours of my days. Days in a row I'll research the same shit and keep reading the same answered responses on quora hoping that I'll somehow find the answers I seek, to just end my anxiety and doubts but it never happens. I only found out a couple weeks ago that this was a compulsion and I've been working so hard on it but I'm scared to let it go cause the fear of the unknown is too much for me, I'm used to reading the things online and searching stuff....I'm trying so hard to just go cold turkey on it, but I'm scared I'll miss it too much or that somehow something bad will happen. The joy of ocd -_- This disorder is hell but I want to take my life back, living with this for slightly over a decade has not been fun and I rather have the pain of treatment then continue the suffering of endless reassurance seeking.)

I know my friends love me and that I overthink due to trauma responses and ocd, its terrifying to be uncertain in life....I know its not easy for anyone but having a disorder that eats at me, convincing me that im a horrible person or crazy is genuine hell. I do my best to not seek reassurance from friends because its not their fault my brain works like this, I don't want people thinking I don't have trust in them...I really do love my friends deeply, I'm just afraid of being hurt and its so stupid cause I've never been given any reasons to feel this way in any of my current friendships but the memories of past friendships makes my mind obsess over being certain on everything when life doesn't work like that. I do my best to be mindful and tell myself "how did they act when we last spoke?, did they seem upset? No?.... then everything is fine", I will look at old memories and messages to remind myself that its all okay and that I need to trust my own judgment more instead of my intrusive thoughts, because they are not me!

Anyway yeaaa its late but I can't sleep cause my brain just wants to keep researching how to fix problems instead of accept the uncertainty. I know someday I'll get better and not struggle with this as much but for now I am taking it one day at a time hoping that nobody grows tired of me, my trauma responses, and ocd.

I'm proud i can be where I'm at now, it doesn't seem like alot but compared to 2022 I'm better at knowing when scenarios are fake (yes....I used to genuinely think I was hated or being annoying because of my thoughts in 2022 and would obsessively ask the person as a form of seeking reassurance).

#• luna lavinchi speaking •#luna talks #actually ocd #ocd thoughts #living with ocd #living with cptsd #neurodivergent #mix of c-ptsd in there too 🤭 (silly)#just ranting a bit but wanted to share what was on my mind. its hard to be vulnerable especially when it comes to my ocd fears but part of-#-exposing myself like this in a public setting helps me analyze my irrational ocd thoughts and hopefully help others to know they are NOT-#-alone. anyway ily mwah mwah /p #(p.s if i misspelled words ignore that....its abt to be 2am and my mind is a bit static-y rn)

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dimonds456 · 11 months

Text

its disability pride month and i'm going through it. vent. check the tags on this one.

sorry there's been so many of these recently, I'm really, really trying not to be this negative, but... man.

something out there wants me dead. bad.

first it was water. then it was depression. then it was anxiety. then it was trauma. then it was graves disease. then it was trauma. then it was adhd. then it was summer in general. then it was maybe autism. then it was trauma. then it was nervous system failure. and now it's an eating disorder.

like not all of those are life-or-death (though adhd can feel like that sometimes lmao) but i've had so many fucking brushes with death that i'm not even afraid of it anymore, i'm just fucking frustrated.

i feel like Mugman from Casino Cups, honestly. "Death is so sudden, it could happen at any moment... everything could end at any moment... and I wouldn't even realize it...

[...]

"I've moved on, I'm not mourning, it's a part of life, but... the unpredictability of it... it's... it's not even SCARY, it's more INFURIATING!! One day, I'll disappear, and... never see where we'll go... never do anything I could have done! I HATE being at its mercy..."

the only difference is that he's died and come back 527 times. i will only die once and then that'll be that.

i've always had a weird fascination with death. maybe it was getting diagnosed with graves disease in middle school that started it (seriously who the FUCK picked "GRAVES" as the name for a disease, did they WANT to freak people out??), maybe it was the realization I'd have it for the rest of my life and now I would have to take pills forever, or maybe it was that first time I almost drowned in elementary school, or the other six times after that. I really don't know.

but i've made it. somehow, some way, i'm still here.

y'know, i wrote an entire ode to death and recorded audio of me reading it. i wanted to put it on youtube but i havent found time to make a video for it. maybe one day. that ode means a lot to me.

i don't know.

the only thing i know is that I want to make the best of the time i've got, which isn't a lot. i don't know how much time i have, but it's less than 20 years i can tell you that right now. if i reach my 40th birthday i will eat both of my shoes AND my hat. i don't mean that in an "i am depressed" way i mean that in a "death and i have a rehearsal at least twice a year and brother i do not know how to dance" way.

i try so, so hard not to be negative online. i really do. i don't want people to remember me as the one who only ever complained, or the one who got angry at everything, or the anxious one who never said anything original or worthwhile, or the one who only ever talked about politics. i want to be a good memory. it's the quote i live by. i want my memory to be a good one.

and i'm failing.

you, right now, reading this. i'm failing you. and i'm sorry. i just... don't know what else to do.

i've realized now that the reason i've been so bent out of shape as of late is because i will never feel safe. even if i moved to the kindest community in the world, even if all the world's political shit got fixed overnight, even if my anxiety and depression suddenly vanished... i can never feel safe because i live in this body. this long-suffering vessel that always, always has something life-threateningly wrong with it.

this eating disorder i have now is only the latest in a long line of shit. each new threat just gets more and more dire. i'm terrified to find out what the next one is. i almost wanna bet money on appendicitis or something but i also don't wanna jinx it, ha.

i'm sorry.

"Someday we will all just be a memory for some people. I just want that memory to be a good one." - Camila Cuevas (Glitchtale, 2017)

i'll keep trying. i'm going to pass with a smile on my face. that WILL be the last thing i do. i promise.

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