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#i used to have a system when i lived at the condo and now i simply cannot listen to music

jacksprostate · 2 months

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One of the lesser known side effects of your condo getting blown up and a lamp lancing through your car like a bullfighter's verduguillo is that when you move to the outskirts of a city and have to rely on the failing public transport system, your commute to work starts to take two hours if you're lucky. Most of the time, I'm not lucky. I leave for work an hour before sunrise and still arrive a half hour late. Coming home is worse.

Public transit could be good. Everyone says it. Tyler tells me, in the future where we've burnt civilization to the ground, we won't need transit at all since the suburban dream will have died and everything you could ever need will live right with you in the nestled bosom of a ruined city. Kudzu vines will let you climb the exposed concrete and rebar until you're twenty stories tall. Stations of gliders, made with the skins of the cattle we keep. We'll need nothing beyond flight radius. There will be streams, broken back out of the pavement and basements, rivulets to ride back home to the shore. The world will close again, small and destroyed and hurting. A seedling.

For now, I ride the bus home.

The later it takes for the bus to show up, the worse the crowd gets. A man with his hand in his pants. The growing smell of piss from another. Someone laid out along the back bench seats, two stops from death. Of course, the fifteen-odd witnesses who won't move a muscle. Avert your eyes and thoughts and path.

Sometimes, when the buses are running especially thin, mid-route the driver will get a call on his radio instructing him to take the B route through another section of downtown. There, we pick up worse.

College students. Young couples. Those nights, this night, I have plenty of young hot things sliming into each other's mouths for the rest of my trip. It's unavoidable. Surround sound. The crinkle of hands gripping through jackets and all the wet smacks mix together with the creaking and squeaking of the bus like it's a roadside motel. I am forced to look at these fresh, vacant twenty year olds and I wonder — how much could one person want to disappear?

You could bring an Armalite AR-180 carbine gas-operated semiautomatic on here. Open carry. Maybe that would make everyone stop. Sit in your seats quietly. Legs together. Follow the implicit rules. Walk home quickly and don't react to any calling. Switch sides of the street as needed to avoid the footsteps behind you, but not so much that the chase is interesting. Ignore how they speed up, you speed up, and you hear two laughs. Oh, the power of a rifle.

When I get to Paper Street, we've entered eternal twilight. The smog crests over us like a dome, blotting out the stars and lowering the atmosphere within reach. Industrial lot lights shine their way to the edges like the stars of the Truman show. Everything smells like ass.

If I called it home, Tyler would probably light it on fire. Between the asbestos and the gallons of water soaked into the house, it'd smolder for months. Our yard is littered with glass, tetanus, and leptospirosis. I've got this ache carving away at my insides, like I took Tyler to work with me and she's been tunneling out.

I open the door, set down my briefcase, and think about the fact that I have to do this tomorrow and the day after and until I die.

She's in the kitchen, in her robe. Tyler has her sunglasses on, she has to barely be able to see me with that gaze. Lit up by the lamps littered through the room like electric storm candles. She's smoking.

Tyler says, "Take off your skirt. I'm tired of seeing that thing."

Vertigo can be associated with presyncope. It feels like you're falling. It feels like you're going to vomit as the failing floorboards split apart and swallow you up.

Tyler says, "I don't know why you bother. We both know how you feel about this." She steps closer, blows smoke in my bloodless face. I wish I could take it on, I wish I could lock us both in an old fridge and infuse us with her breath. With all the soap Tyler makes, she still smells like shit. If she died I'd sleep in her corpse until it faded.

"You flatter me sometimes, psycho girl." Tyler reaches a hand past me, cages me to the door. On the other side, there's the edges of our little set, with the door closed you can't see the dollhouse way the world gives up past a hundred feet. The other hand, it trails down my side like it's made of fire, unbearable and intense. She's looking down, cigarette tugging at her lip, hooded eyes probably tracking how I twitch and jump under her fingers. I can't not look at her. The chip in her tooth. The intensity to her eyes. Her mouth. I'm too loose, I'm going to slip out of her arms and under the door and down the street.

She finds the zipper. Tugs it down, my skirt falls around me like the goddamned Berlin wall. It lies in a limp pile around my legs; she can see my tights. My underwear. She's exposed me. The cavern in me is massive. Yawning.

Tyler stubs out her cigarette on the door and presses me into it, too.

Right by my ear, she murmurs, "You always make me take what you want." Her hands slip around me — gripping my shirt at my shoulder, slipping around to my lower back, my ass — I don't know what to do with mine. I've got them splayed out. I'm staring at the ceiling, her hair half-obscuring it.

Her lips, against my cheek. Brushing, she's making her way back and I know and I'm not ready.

Tyler bites at my lip, pulls it soft and gentle between hers with the same sincerity and focus that she's used to fracture my jaw. My heart at the derby. It's one of those horses running so hard their lungs fill with blood and their organs explode. I open my eyes, I didn't know I closed them, the lights blind me.

Her hand slides up my shoulder, my neck. She's got to feel my pulse. Pile driving. She cups my face, right where she broke it. Tyler directs me into her kiss.

She says, into my mouth she breathes and says, "Let yourself do something, why don't you?"

I know she's looking at me. My eyes fell shut again, I'm trapped in the feeling of her lips on mine but I know she's looking at me, close, half-lidded and intense. Trembling, I ache and creak and try. I try.

Tyler could be eating me, I would still try to feed myself to her.

I'm rewarded with her tongue. On my lips, in my pliant, confused mouth. Volcanic hot springs. Earthquakes, fractures, overflowing. I imagine Tyler and her tongue elsewhere. I make a noise, it's so pitiful you could take it out back and shoot it.

She leans on me, puts her whole body weight on me and the rotten wood miracle holding us up. Her hand slithers out from behind me to grab my wrist. Caught red handed, stricken, full of nothing and twitching.

Tyler slips her thigh between mine, it's pressure so impossibly hard I could cry. I am crying. I'm such a hopeless participant that when she kisses her way to the corner of my mouth and drinks up my tears, I welcome her back all the same. My thighs open up and hug her all the same. I am perpetually the beaten dog, fleeing and running back to its owner.

My other hand, my left, free hand finds its home on her nape. Tangled in her short, greasy hair. Tyler needs to kiss me until the world caves in.

She brings my hand down. A ventriloquist, she kisses me deep and my wooden fingers slip through her bathrobe. The edge of her boxers. I am crying, I am kissing Tyler Durden as she flattens me so I cannot escape this perfect misery as she brings my wooden fingers to her folds and I feel. Wet.

My fingers twitch. It's impulse. It's inverse familiarity. It's feeling, labia minora. Something more. Tyler would have the words for this. She pushes my hand against herself, the meat of my palm against her pubic mound as she devours me. She could do it all herself.

The way it feels, sliding, warm. Warm like my whole body is trapped in between Tyler's thighs. It could be my head. My tongue. My tongue curling around her clit. These images flash through me like full-body phantoms. On my knees, my hands on the sensitive meat of her inner thighs. Like I'm getting buckshot to the chest point blank. Our positions reversed. My tongue in her mouth. My leg between hers. Reload. Her hand, held by mine.

I push my hand against her.

Tyler moans into my mouth.

I push my hand against her, and slide my palm over her clit, her chest flutters against mine. God would kill for this. Tyler is all around me, my index finger is slick and wet with her and it's easy. It's pressing into melted butter.

Tyler's falling apart, Mona Lisa, she's saying nothing and burying me in her lust. There's new tears and they aren't mine. I'm tugging at her hair, she's forcing me into a single point. Singularity.

I have two fingers in Tyler, she's holding me there and I'm arching up into her when she cracks, splitting apart and all over me like an egg. Everywhere. She shoves her face into mine, foreheads together, noses, her shades are off and her mouth is open as she shudders and mixes my breath with hers.

Her other hand lets go, finds its way up to the other side of my face, she's still leaning on me. I'm still keeping my hand on her. I want her to drown it. I feel every shiver. She presses, synchronous, hands down my neck, my shoulders, Tyler buries her face in my hair. Right next to my ear. She bites my earlobe. She lets a hand slip up my shirt. Her hand cups me, I haven't worn a bra since moving in with her, her thumb slides over my nipple. She slips her fingers into my tights.

Her fingers on my bare skin. Tyler puts a palm on me, over the wet patch soaking through my underwear, and her fingers are stuck between my clit and her thigh.

And I wake up.

I'm on the bus.

I'm on the bus, and I'm surrounded by young couples giving each other 9-hour anniversary STDs, and I've soaked through my underwear.

When I arrive at my stop, I walk for fifteen minutes to get to Paper Street. There's a hot, heavy mist beading on my skin. Thickening my breath. It's fat with the fart smell of paper processing and rich in heavy metals.

I open our door. It barely stays in its frame, sort of opening like a twice-hinged, fully-sized, single-doored saloon.

Tyler's in the kitchen, in her robe. She's smoking.

She stares at me through her sunglasses.

I set down my briefcase. I stand there, and she still smokes.

She's looking through me. She's seeing all my stains.

Tyler expects something of me.

Her eyes track me, all the way up the stairs. all the way to my room, to my moldy mattress. They see me shower in brown-red water and scrubbing furiously on my clothes. They see me wide awake, waiting for the bus the next morning.

I am always failing Tyler.

#fight club #female fight club au #my writing #ohhhh my god #fuck #sobbing #idk what to say #i ended on the same line as another f fc ficlet i wrote. because it still applies. fuck you chuck gets to repeat things so do i idk #finishing this literally gave me a headache. i have problems #inspired by lalikeslichto's drawings

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lovethisbug · 6 months

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When I was a baby, in the year 90s, I really wanted a laptop computer, which were new at the time, and i wanted it so bad, I even had a very vivid dream that I had found one of the ground on the green tiled arched hallways of a subway station, the moment I picked it up I knew what it was capable of, I could pull retractable cords from it and plug them into objects around me and unlock their deeper potential, the first thing I plugged a cord into was the wall and it opened up a pathway to a secret room, a habitable this room was hidden in the walls and had everything one needed to survive in it, completely sealed away from average society, I then used the laptop to summon a train car to take me down a secret tunnel, as was fashion, which stopped at a platform that I would say seemed to be about a 20x20 space, all green tiled like the hallways I came from, no doors or pathways, once again the laptop comes in handy, I plug it into the wall and a yawning gap opened up, revealing all the metabolic systems of the city around me, pipes, wires, other stuff, at the end of this newly formed hallway was a room much like the Plato ram, standing in the middle of that room was Buge, 4ft tall and stalwart, wearing a leather duster jacket and sunglasses that dont have stems going around the ear they are just sunglasses that stick to the eyes as if they are floating or maybe they slip onto the nose which seems kind of uncomfortable and unnecessary but cool nonetheless, Buge holds out a blue pill and a red pill and tells me to pick a pill, I say which pill does which, Buge is silent for a long time, a very long time, and finally says the red one will definitely work and the blue one will make you forget you ever met Buge and found that laptop, before I can even make up my mind my baby alarm goes off, I woke up and showered and dressed myself and slicked my hair to the side in front of the mirror and gathered my academic materials, continued my life as it was, until many years later in the future I found myself living in a city working for a prestigious puréed food pouch supplier firm, after a long day of closing deals I went to take the car service home but the broke down and the driver told me to get the fuck out, I had never taken the subway once since graduating precollege and finding myself quickly employed with the perks of having a car service and other perks of that sweet job, I had a really nice condo flat, anyways I digress, I end wandering into the subway and find the tiled halls looking mighty familiar, I find a laptop like the ones we have now and use it to open the same routes as available to me before in my dream, ended up in a room just like before standing before Buge, this time Buge says they forgot the pills

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rintarousgirl · 9 months

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i wanna be yours — 6. do i wanna know?

✦ - Y/N is a small business owner, offering her services not only as a designer but an at-home makeup artist and cosmetic producer as well. She's perfectly content with her small life when she's approached by the manager of the INARIZAKI band, asking for her to fill the position of backstage artist on short notice. Needing the money, and wanting the experience, Y/N agrees. Little does she know of the fatal attraction she will share with the band's lead, Suna Rintarou.

a/n: some feelings realization?? but also feelings denial?? very yummy, i know. hope you all enjoy! heres some yummy angst for y'all. i'm honestly so excited for the next chapter.

You sit outside Rintarou's house, enjoying the cool air-conditioning of your car. You texted him to let him know you were there, and he responded saying he'd come out in a minute.

You had to admit, you were considerably more nervous to hang out with him alone since the party. Then you'd been drunk, or at least you had some liquid courage in your system, but now? It was you, your anxiety, and Rintarou. Besides, at the party there were people in the next room over. This time, it was only the two of you.

Usually you don't get this nervous, but when you're alone in the home of an attractive celebrity...there's a lot to be nervous about. Like making a fool of yourself and getting fired or something. But you don't think Rintarou's like that. If you were to get fired for anything, it definitely wouldn't be Rintarou to make the decision either.

Looking through the window, you see his approaching figure. You scramble to get your keys out of your car and exit. Your car beeps as you lock it and go up to greet him.

He's in casual wear, a pair of black sweatpants and a maroon knitted sweater. You smile at him, suddenly feeling a little bit over-dressed in your pink sundress.

"Hey Rin," you greet, knocking elbows with him. A hug felt too personal, but a hand-shake felt too formal. So instead, you brushed his side, sending him a smile.

He smiled back, small and quick, but a smile nonetheless. "Hello, Y/N. How have you been?"

The walk is small, and he punches in the code to the lock on his house. The gates swing open, and the two of you walk through.

"I've been alright, and you?"

He shrugs. "Okay, I guess. I haven't done much in these past two days. How bad was your hangover?"

You laugh against the back of your hand. "Pretty bad. I had a headache for the whole day."

He winces. The two of you walk into his home, a large condo similar to the Miya's. The air inside is cold, and you feel a shiver go up your spine. You slip off your shoes, and he does the same.

Slowly, he watches as you venture down the hall peering into different rooms. The aesthetic is pretty beige, clearly lacking a lot of his own personality. It's also very clean, no doubt thanks to some housekeeper.

"It's very nice, Rin," you say, turning around. He's made his way closer to you, and you try not to startle at the close proximity. He tilts his head as you try to blink away your surprise.

"C'mon," he says, grabbing your wrist, "the kitchen is this way."

You follow him, and on his kitchen, counter is all the ingredients needed to make boba tea. He'd clearly had the kitchen cleaned before you came, because every marble surface shined like new. It was a bit charming, you think, that he'd bothered to get everything cleaned for you.

You two keep relatively quiet as you prepare and make everything. You have quiet small talk as you roll the flour into the small boba balls.

"I don't mean this to offend you but...your house kind of lacks personality," you say, gesturing to the rest of the house. The living room had maybe one throw-blanket, but everything else looked pristine and lightly used.

He laughs, shoulders shaking. His hands work delicately as he rolls the boba. He's a lot better at it than you are. "I'm not down here much," Rintarou admits, "I use the upstairs a lot more. This area's really only for visitors and family."

You tilt your head. "Why is that?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I've never really needed all the space, but my parents wanted me to get a big house that would be useful in the future or something."

You nod. That was reasonable. When Rintarou ever started a family he'd have a nice big kitchen, a spacious living room, lots of bedrooms. You wonder to yourself if he would quit singing in the future, he certainly already has plenty of money from it.

"May I see the upstairs after?" you ask, dropping your flour balls into the boiling pot. He bites his lip, and you ignore the way your eyes catch on the action.

"Yeah, 'course."

He walks over to you, dropping his boba into the pot as well. He works silently as he turns on the stove and pours the syrup in it. Your fingers brush, and his skin is ice-cold. You take a small step back.

Rintarou sets a timer on his phone, before turning to you. "It'll be done in like...twenty-ish minutes but I've got to check on it periodically."

"Good idea."

He beckons for you to follow him, and he leads you to a staircase. You can already tell that this space is a lot more lived in. You can smell the burning melts of candles, and the soft lights of lamps as you make your way into the upstairs hallway.

On the walls are multiple framed photos, looking professionally taken. "Do you like photography?" you ask softly, finger sliding down one of the frames.

He pauses, taking a glance at the photo you're looking at. "Yeah," Rintarou says, "I love it. I took 'em all. After I got my first large amount of money from the band, I travelled around a lot and took a lot of photos."

"You took this?" you ask, the surprise apparent in your voice. He chuckles, and there's a small gleam of reminiscing in his eyes.

"Yeah. That was from the United States. I went to the Multnomah Falls, a very popular place. Thinking back, I would've liked to go to a more secluded and natural place, but I was young and spoke very little English."

"It's still beautiful," you say honestly, but you aren't looking at the photo anymore, you're looking at him. You're looking at the small flush on his cheeks, the gleam in his eyes, the shine on his lips. The photo is beautiful, but so is Rintarou.

You cut yourself out of that chain of thought quickly, shaking your head as you look away. You take note of the small plaque underneath the frame, stating the location and date. You and Rintarou were both 26, so while taking this photo he would've been around 21. You tried to imagine him, traveling the world taking photos, a load of money to his name and only knowing the Japanese language and a bit of English.

Rintarou continued down the hall into a large open space. It had a sunken in living room, a lot smaller than the one downstairs but big enough to fit a fuzzy grey rug, a nice leather black couch, a TV, and a coffee table. You could tell this was the one he used more, many pillows and throw blankets littering the couch cushions.

He points to three doors. "The one on the far left is the bathroom, and the other two are guest bedrooms." He spins around and points to a set of double doors. "There's my bedroom, though it's a bit messy so we won't go in there. Besides, my cat, Arabella's, in there and she's afraid of new people."

"Aww," you coo.

Rintarou sits on the couch, patting the space next to him. You take a seat, trying not to tense up as he flings an arm around the couch behind you. He pulls out his phone and checks the timer. Fifteen more minutes.

"I'm gonna go check on it, feel free to explore."

And with that he's back down the hall, heading down the stairs.

It's a bit awkward. You want to explore, but you also don't want to go into a room he wouldn't want you in. Still, you rise, and head down another corridor. At the end of the hall, there's a decent-sized balcony that hangs over a huge pool. One of the doors lead to an in-home recording studio, and another into a study. There's a lot of fancy equipment that you're scared to touch, so you make your way back to the couch and sit patiently till he comes back.

Rintarou comes back around two minutes later and resumes his spot. His fingers brush your shoulder from where his arm rests on the couch behind you. He turns on the TV, letting the reels play.

Softly, you ask, "What made you want to be a singer?"

He presses his lips together, his head lolling back. Your eyes drift up the expanse of his pale neck, to the slope of his jaw, to his eyes.

"My mom," Rintarou rasps, closing his eyes. You lean into his touch, your cheek brushing his arm. His lips twitch when you do. "She used to always sing to me before bed, it was the only way I'd be able to fall asleep when I was younger. And in the morning, she would play music on the radio for us to wake up to."

"That was sweet of her," your mom had done something similar. You can fondly recall the stories she used to read to you at night to help you doze off.

"Very. She helped me learn how much I loved singing, and music in general. I probably would've been a photographer if she hadn't, which I would've enjoyed doing as well. But I really like singing."

"How is your mom?"

Rintarou's eyes open, and he sits up a bit. "She's uh...she passed away two years ago." Your eyes widen, and your teeth bite down on your lip.

"Oh, I am so sorry--" you begin to babble, bowing your head. Rintarou sighs and flicks your shoulder.

"Don't be. It's alright, I've moved on."

You lift your head. "It was still insensitive of me to ask."

He shrugs. "You didn't know. It's fine. You're very apologetic, y'know."

You smile sheepishly. "What can I say?"

He laughs, and you laugh, and suddenly the heavy mood was lifted. Slowly, your own giggles die off and you watch him, listen to the way he chuckles, and the way his cheeks turn pink.

Your heart does a silly little flip in your chest, which you shove down and swallow.

No, you can't be unprofessional like that. You weren't that kind of girl, not that kind of worker. He was a job; his band was a job. All you had to do was apply makeup and get them outfits. This couldn't be happening.

But you look back to him, you look at the grin on his lips and you think. How could having a crush be so bad? Logically, you know you could get fired. Logically, you could get your reputation in the industry destroyed. Logically, he could ruin your life. You couldn't risk all that. Not when you were barely known, not when being his makeup artist could get you through that door to the industry.

Rintarou looks at you, eyes soft and slightly wet. His tongue laps over his lips, and you swallow.

You couldn't.

Slowly, his grin falls off his face, and his own eyes lock on your lips.

You couldn't. Yet you wanted to so bad.

The space between you gets smaller, and your head tilts to one side as his eyes slide shut.

You couldn't. You absolutely, positively, couldn't.

Rintarou's lips brush yours, and you sigh and pull back. You try to ignore the surprised, almost hurt look on his face.

"We should check on the boba," you whisper hoarsely.

"Y-Yeah," he stutters, "we should."

He gets up first, and slowly rounds the couch. You feel a horrible feeling sitting in your gut like lead. You look over your shoulder and watch as he leans against the couch, and rueful and contemplating look on his face.

Rintarou's shoulders are hunched in, his head low. His body language screams that he's upset, almost fearful. Something blooms in you, and you want to wipe away those fears. You meet him on the other side of the couch.

You take his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. "Let's go," you urge softly, giving a light tug to his hand. He follows, silently.

At least, in the end you can say, the boba was good.

<- previous | next -> | masterlist

★ - atsumu is spamming suna's phone during all this, because suna had mentioned that you were coming over today

★ - after the boba was made, it was so awkward that you made up some excuse about having a client waiting for you. suna believed you.

★ - you went home and freaked out. you texted akaashi in all caps about the whole thing.

★ - suna's cat is very skittish.

★ - suna's biggest fear is scaring you away.

taglist:

@mannaornot \ @gojoscumslut \ @sunarots \ @alienvarmint \ @tojirin \ @tkooooop \ @cheriesdear \ @shotenvinsoot \ @wolffmaiden \ @riiceandsoup \ @thebrownemo \ @vivian-555 \ @effmigentlywithachainsaw \ @rukia-uchiha-98 \ @weird0o0 \ @seiamor \ @rory-cakes \ @blue-violin \ @reveusecherie \ @hellokittylover9 \ @yourlocal-bunny \ @keniza \ @cerberuspuppy1 \ @baramii \ @kirbyscreeper \ @rioiio

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brostateexam · 9 months

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"I'm definitely not thinking about death any more!"

I was heading in to BART when I noticed that there was a moth in our car. For reasons I can't quite explain, I was consumed with the feeling that I had to get it out of the car to somewhere safe. My stop was going to put me (and maybe the moth, if I managed it) just three stories underground, though, which is not markedly better than being on a subway car. At least on the subway, there was a shot that it could get out in one of the open air stations and get to like some trees or something. I did nothing. I feel guilty about it.

II.

When I was making plum butter, I noticed there was a parakeet outside on my back steps. He was little and green, and he did not look thrilled to be out and about. I didn't have anything I could use to catch him, and even if I had, bringing a bird into a house with my cat who thinks killing birds ins her life's purpose (note: she has never actually done it, she just obviously really wants to) did not seem like a good option. I was trying to get him some bird seed and water when a loud noise caused him to fly off.

III.

I got a failed delivery notification for a package when I wasn't expecting anything to arrive and the pickup spot wasn't that far from my house, so I thought I'd just walk. It was in Eastmont, only 1.5 miles away. It was not, shall we say, the most pleasant walk, but it made me think about what it means when people say they hope neighborhoods "improve," because I found myself thinking that at times. What would it look like if the neighborhood improved for the people who live there now, instead of the neighborhood itself "improving" by accruing in value? I didn't have an answer for that, and I still don't, other than to say that I think sometimes people focus on neighborhood beautification projects because it's a lot easier to plant flowers in the medians than it is to solve systemic poverty.

IV.

I keep thinking about how my grandmother could have died of dehydration if the parking lot outside of her condo complex hadn't been due for repaving. I keep thinking about how if it won't be that, it will be something else, and it will be soon.

Every time I see my mom these days, I am starting to see how she has aged. She is in her seventies, and it's not like she is experiencing severe cognitive decline or anything. She's just not quite as energetic or as strong or as sharp as she was ten years ago. This is scary to me. I'm not really ready for a world where I take care of my mom, but I know it's coming. My sister has two kids and she and her husband are like inches away from divorcing (have been for the last 3-4 years), so she's kind of got enough going on. I just have to convert my garage into a place my mom could live if she needed a little help, and be ready.

VI.

That stupid quiz said that what I needed was to break a leg, and I completely understood it. What I need, it says, is to lose control and find out that things will be okay if I don't have it. That isn't how this is going to work, though. No one else is going to do all the shit for me that I have to do just to tread water. I can feel bad about that, I guess, but I don't see how that helps anything, and the thing about treading water is if you stop, you drown.

VII.

When I'm doing innocuous, banal stuff, I can't stop thinking about how everything is going to end. Age, decay, entropy, heat and smoke are consuming my thoughts.

#i don't know how to tag this but if you're worried about reading it: don't

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snelbz · 1 year

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‘Til Death Do Us Part {Chapter Eleven}

Elorcan. Rockstar Modern AU.

@snelbz x @theladyofdeath collab

‘Til Death Do Us Part Masterlist

A/N: Sorry about the unexpectedly long break between chapters. Now that the holidays are over and life is settling back into normalcy, I’m hoping we’ll get back into the groove of writing this one! Hope you guys enjoy it!

Lorcan -

We ditch my truck and get into my Camaro due to Elide’s ridiculously cute, short legs.

I’ve spent most of a decade in that condo. Part of me should be sad that I’m leaving but I’m not, not too much anyway. Although it’s the end of an era, I’m looking forward to this next phase of life.

With Elide.

As soon as we’re in the car, I ask, “Address?”

She looks at me for a moment before asking, “What?”

I chuckle, unable to help myself when seeing her pinched brows. “I need your address. Or, you need to tell me where to go. I have no clue where you live.”

It’s weird as hell, not knowing where my wife lives but it’s even weirder when her face pales.

I frown. “What’s wrong?”

“I just…why don’t we go get something to eat?” She suggests. “I’m starving.”

I give her a glance before looking back out over the road. “We just ate.”

She nibbles on her bottom lip. “So? I could use dessert.”

“Dessert?” I ask, and laugh quietly. “Who has dessert after breakfast?”

“I need shampoo,” she says, and she’s fiddling with the hem of her tank top. My eyes narrow. “Can we stop by the store?”

I don’t answer. I let a few seconds pass as I stop at a red light, then I look at her. “You’re trying to distract me. Why?”

“I’m not, I just…” She groans and looks out the window. “I can tell you now that we aren’t going to want to live at my place, so there’s really no reason to go there.”

The light changes and I turn because I have no clue where the hell I’m going.

“Aside from the fact that it’s a part of the guidelines that we go to both of our homes before making the decision on where to live,” I remind her.

I can feel her eyes on me. “Not having sex with groupies was part of the guidelines, too.”

Ouch. But fair.

“Exactly, I want to make sure I’m following the rules now.” I wink at her and she smiles a little bit. “So where am I going?”

“Lorcan, we really don’t have to—”

“You don’t want me to see your house, do you?” I ask, glancing over at her.

She mumbles, “It’s an apartment.”

“House, apartment, whatever. Why don’t you want me there?”

“That’s not what I said.” Her voice is all high pitched and panicky.

“You don’t have to, it’s pretty damn clear.” It’s like she’s hiding something from me. I don’t like it.

With a resigned sigh, she gives me directions on how to get there, and the closer we get the more I understand her hesitation. This isn’t a great part of town. Like the kind of place I would have bought drugs when I was in high school, it's that kind of shitty neighborhood.

I park outside of the apartment building, glancing over at Elide. She’s staring at the dash and is white-knuckling the arm rest. Reaching across the console, I take her hand in mine. “Elide.”

She pulls her hand from mine and says, “Let’s get this over with,” before opening her door and climbing out of the car.

She slams it shut and I sit in the silence for a moment and sigh. This is not going well.

I get out as well, ensuring that it’s locked and the alarm is set, cause there’s a very good chance we could come back out to a busted window and find my entire sound system missing.

Elide waits for me on the sidewalk and she looks less like she’s about to show me where she lives and more like I’m walking her to her death.

I don’t say anything because I have a feeling if I do she’s just going to snap at me again. Married for twenty-four hours and I can already tell when my wife wants my mouth to stay shut. That’s got to be a good thing.

We walk up to the third floor and she stops at a door and just stares at it. I stand behind her, patiently, and I expect her to open it but then she turns to look at me.

“Look—”

“You don’t have to explain—”

“My entire apartment can fit in one room of your place,” she says, and her cheeks are red. “I’ve lived here since I moved out on my own and—”

“Elide,” I say, and her lips snap shut. “Just open the door.”

Her jaw clenches as she does so. After turning the key in the lock, she pushes the door open and steps inside. She doesn’t invite me in but I follow anyway and take a look around.

It’s cute.

Unlike the outside of the building, the inside of Elide’s apartment is neat and organized. None of her furniture matches which I find I like for some reason. Even her kitchen table has four different chairs surrounding it. Art hangs from the wall, along with pictures of her and her friends, most of them including Aelin. She has plants lining her window, each of them thriving as if she’s made it her mission to care for them.

Her living room and kitchen take up the same space while her bedroom sits down the short hall and a bathroom is off to the side. I can make it from one side of the apartment to the other in less than ten strides, I have no doubt. I get that I have long legs, but it’s still not much.

Her question from the wedding comes back to me, about our marriage being a set up and it’s just now that I realize what she had been implying. She obviously has very little money. I have more than I know what to do with. I’m not sure what to think of it right now. Maybe it was a set up, and if it was, I can’t tell if it bothers me or not. Maybe if it was anyone else I’d be offended, but this woman…

I take a slow circle in the center of the room before facing Elide, who is leaning against the wall, chewing on her bottom lip with her arms crossed.

A black ball of fluff sits by her feet.

I blink. “You have a cat.”

Elide hesitates. “That’s what you have to say right now?”

I lift a brow. “I mean, I’m more of a dog person—”

“Lorcan.”

I laugh, quietly. “Do you want me to say something else? I like your place. It’s cute.”

“Cute?” she repeats.

I scratch the back of my neck, unsure of what exactly it is she wants me to say at this moment.

As if she can read my thoughts, she says, “You can be honest with me.”

I sigh and look around her apartment again. There’s no use for a tour. I can see everything from this one spot. “Alright. I can’t exactly live here. I feel like a giant.” Elide laughs but she’s embarrassed, I can tell. I feel my eyes soften as I approach her and tip her chin up so that she meets my gaze. “I like your style, though. It’s cozy. Feels homey.”

It’s the complete opposite of the place I share with Fenrys and Connall. Everything there is sleek and dark, each room looking like it’s been taken directly out of a catalog, mostly because it was. Here, I can see Elide’s personality on display everywhere I look.

“You’re just saying that to be nice,” she mutters.

“Doesn’t mean it’s not true,” I promise, then I jump as the black cat at my feet brushes along my shin.

Elide laughs, her embarrassment having faded, just a little bit. “Anneith likes you, which shocks me.”

“I’ll try not to be offended by that statement,” I say, trying not to move as the cat circles my legs.

She laughs, again. “She just doesn’t like that many people, that’s all.”

“Me either,” I tell the cat. Although she looks pretty young, hardly more than a baby. A kitten, then. I guess I can get used to her. Maybe. We’ll see. I’ve never had a pet. As long as she keeps to herself, I won’t mind her existence too much.

I give her small home one more look. We can’t live here, there’s physically not enough room for all the shit I own. It isn’t lost on me that while I have almost an entire condo’s worth of stuff, and a storage unit with things in it that wouldn’t fit in the eighteen hundred square foot condo, everything my wife owns is right in front of me. It’s suddenly painfully clear to me—my new wife does not have much of anything. I feel kind of bad now for taking her to my huge condo in a gated community.

What is it they say about humility? Humble pie is a dish best served cold?

Elide leans down and scoops the cat up. I reach out and tentatively scratch behind her ear.

The cat’s, not Elide.

Though I wouldn’t be opposed to touching her either.

“It’s old enough not to scratch my shit up, right?” I ask, looking at Elide.

She shakes her head, chuckling at me. “Yes, she’s almost two years old. I have no idea why she’s so tiny, she just never got any bigger. And don’t worry.” She holds one the cat’s paws out and extends her claws, which are covered in tiny, red, sparkly…things. “She has claw covers that I replace every week.”

“Got it. Good.” I don’t know what else to say, because a cat definitely wasn’t in the deal when I signed on. “So. My roommates are dicks and I don’t think my dick would even fit in here—” She snorts at that, so I consider it a win. “So I think we should get a place of our own.”

She hesitates. “Lorcan, I don’t know if you noticed, but I can’t afford—”

“Money isn’t an issue,” I interrupt and I see her about to protest, so I shut her up with my mouth on hers. At first she tenses, clearly wanting to have had an argument about money instead, but then she leans into me.

I like kissing Elide.

She’s a good kisser.

It actually makes me feel something.

I’m the one to break it, leaving her looking up at me with flushed cheeks.

“Money means nothing to me,” I explain, and she opens her mouth but I brush my thumb over her swollen bottom lip. “I want to take care of you. Let me take care of you.”

She swallows and her eyes grow misty. “We still hardly know each other. Why would you want to take care of me?”

“You’re my wife,” I say, and although I’ve messed up in the past, I hope that she knows how loyal I am to her. She’s my wife now, and that means something to me. “It’s my job as your husband to take care of you. We take care of each other.” I shrug. “We’re both bringing different things to the table. You bring beauty and creativity and sophistication, and I bring money and asshole-ish tendencies and snide remarks.” She chuckles and shakes her head at my attempt at humor. I let it fade and get serious again. I repeat, “You’re my wife. I want to take care of you. I have a feeling not many people have taken care of you and you deserve to have someone give you the world. Let it be me.”

She has a look in her eye that suggests she doesn’t quite believe me and I fucking hate it.

“I want to take care of you, Elide,” I breathe, a promise, as my fingertips slide up her arm. She shudders beneath my touch and a newfound thrill floods every damn inch of me. “And I want you to take care of me.”

Her gaze meets mine and I swear, her eyes are somehow darker than normal.

She wants to take care of me, too.

I just need to get her to admit it.

…………………….

“What is this place?”

Her eyes are wide as she climbs out of the car. I get it. The cabin is awesome.

A few years back, the five of us all decided we needed somewhere to relax during our time off the road. This cabin in the mountains outside of Orynth was just the ticket. It’s big enough that all of us can be here at once, but not so big that it feels empty.

We’ve always had one rule: no groupies. This place is our safe haven from the road, the fame, and the fans. Friends and family only. I like that about it. There’s no history or bad memories here. Or things for Elide to find out that will inevitably make her hate me even more.

Rowan had actually been staying here after a run of shows when he met Aelin. Seems fitting that Elide and I spend our first few nights here until we get our own living arrangements figured out.

Maybe this cabin is magic.

Before we left Elide’s, she packed a bag for a few nights away, and a box with food, litter, and toys for the munchkin, which I grab out of the trunk before walking with her up to the front door. That damn cat is in a sparkly, blue carrier, hanging on Elide’s shoulder.

“I share it with the guys,” I explain. “It’s an escape from reality. We usually don’t let other people come, but my wife is the exception.” I give her a grin. “And Aelin. She’s been here a time or two.”

“Well, I feel very lucky to be welcomed,” she says, and I almost believe her.

“I thought we could stay here for a few days while we house hunt,” I say, unlocking the door and pushing it open. “No one will bother us here either. We can get to know each other a little better.”

Elide nods as she walks inside and slows. “It’s beautiful.”

I think so, too. Always have. Everything is made of polished wood. The main room that corners into the kitchen has high vaulted ceilings and plenty of natural light. There’s a winding staircase that goes to the second floor where all of our bedrooms are.

“You like it?” I ask, and I realize that I hope she does more than I originally thought I would.

I want her to feel comfortable and safe.

“I do,” she breathes as she looks around. This time, I do believe her. I’m about to offer to give her a tour when she whispers, “I bet you could fit a massive Christmas tree in here.”

It’s so quiet that I don’t know if she meant to say it out loud or if I was meant to hear it, so I don’t say anything for now. It’s also random enough that it could be nothing, but the way she said it… Something tells me that may be important to remember.

I do some quick mental math. It’s August now, so no matter what, we’ll still be married in December. I’ll need to ask Rowan to ask Aelin if—

I just need to get Aelin’s number from Rowan so I can text her if I have a question. Like why Elide’s first thought was a massive Christmas tree.

My watch buzzes and I look down. A reminder is going off and I look at the time. “Shit, we’ve got video chats with Dr. Towers in 15 minutes.”

“I need to get Anneith settled,” she replies, carrying the bedazzled carrier over to the couch.

Does that cat own anything that isn’t sparkly?

“You do that, I’ll get the laptop set up in one of the guys’ bedrooms,” I say, and she nods, bending down to release the cat into the house.

I hope none of the guys are allergic. Shit, I hope I’m not allergic, I’ve never had a cat before. Guess we’ll find out.

I run out to the car and get my backpack. I ditched the duffle from the wedding at the condo and grabbed this instead. Inside is my laptop, tablet, the journal we’re supposed to keeping track of our experience in, and the object I’m wanting the most at this moment. Fishing my hand in one of the side pockets, I pull out an e-cig and take a pull of it. Blowing out the vapor, I frown. Nothing like a cigarette, but I told her I’ll quit, so I’m going to try. Vaughn used a vape to quit a while back, and I’d rather not have to wear a patch or chew that shitty, metallic gum. So a vape it is.

Taking another hit of it, I head up the stairs and back into the cabin. Elide is sitting on the floor, a stick in her hand with a feather, a bell, and about ten other things hanging off of it. The cat is going insane for it. And the smile on Elide’s face is breathtaking. When she looks up at me, I’m rooted in place.

Her face falls as she sees me. “What?”

I hate that she immediately gets suspicious when I’m looking at her. I start moving towards the stairs and say, “Just making sure she’s not already terrorizing the house.”

Elide must pick up on my teasing tone, cause her eyes narrow. I love when she does that. It means she’s about to get feisty. She doesn’t back down from a fight and I like that.

You know what that means?

We're going to have some fucking awesome angry sex someday.

I can't wait.

But before she can put me in my place, I glance at my watch again. Time is ticking and we probably shouldn’t be late for our first video chats with the head of the program.

“I’m gonna get this set up, but you get to go first,” I call as I top the stairs.

“What?” She jumps up. “How is that fair?”

“You brought a cat, you go first,” I holler back as I go into Gavriel’s room and get the laptop set up on his desk.

Thankfully, it automatically connects to the wifi, so I don’t have to worry about that. It boots up and I pull up the software we’re supposed to use for the call. I leave it so all Elide has to do is press call and she should be greeted with Dr. Towers’ face.

I don’t know why I’m so nervous but I am. Not so much for my call but for what might be said during Elide’s call.

Part of me wants to lurk outside and listen through the door but I have more sense than that. As soon as Elide shuts herself inside, giving me another pointed look for making her go first, I disappear to the very end of the hall where my room is.

I fall back on my bed and close my eyes, trying to think of anything else other than what is going on in that room, but I fail completely.

I’m hoping it’s a short call.

————————————

Elide -

Anneith sits on my lap as Yrene’s face shows up on Lorcan’s laptop. It took every ounce of self control not to go through his browser history when I sat down. I feel like that would have just set me up for failure.

“Elide!” Dr. Towers smiles. “It’s nice to see you.”

“You too,” I say, smiling back, trying not to rush into all the questions and complaints I have. “How are you?”

“Great, but the better question is how are you?”

I hesitate and she notes it.

“Is something wrong?” She asks, leaning back in the chair in her office.

There’s no point in lying. “I don’t want to offend you, but I think there might have been a mistake. Lorcan is the complete opposite of what I said I was looking for.”

Yrene’s brows rose. “Oh? How so?”

I can’t help the harsh laugh that escapes me. “Clean cut? Stable job? Minds his manners? No substance abuse? Lorcan is the complete opposite of what I said I wanted.”

Yrene listens to me patiently and waits until I’m done to hum. “During our interviews, you told me that you wanted the perfect man, Elide. Unfortunately, I can assure you, there’s no such thing as the perfect man. I can also assure you that there’s no mistake. Lorcan, we truly believe, is the perfect match for you.”

Hearing the words said out loud by the woman who created the whole program nearly has me gaping. “I’m sorry, but how?”

She laughs quietly. “Well, studies have shown that there is a certain balance that must be maintained when it comes to being a successful couple. You have to have similarities, of course, but you also have to have a certain level of differences to balance it out, to keep it exciting. Now, I promise you that Lorcan’s similarities match yours when it comes to what actually matters. When you begin to figure that out, I’m sure you’ll start to see why we paired you two together.”

Anneith hops off my lap when I start talking again, surely tired of hearing me whine. “Really? Because we haven’t seemed to agree on anything yet.”

“Have you talked about what it is you want out of a marriage? Have you talked about where you see yourselves in the future? Have you talked about what you want when starting a family? What matters most to you both?” She’s not talking down to me at all but her voice is firm. I don’t answer because the answer is, of course, no. I listen. I feel her passion for this project, for finding others their match. “Having a clean cut, perfect man is surface level stuff, Elide. The surface level stuff is insignificant. It’s all about the deeper level that truly matters, that you’ll truly connect with.”

I look down at my hands. It makes sense, of course, and I have to admit that in the last twenty four hours I found that Lorcan is different than I thought he would be…even if some things about him truly has pissed me off.

“Tell me about your wedding night,” Yrene says, her voice softening.

I release my breath in a puff. “Gods. It was…awkward.”

“I’m sure it was,” she laughed. “Tell me about it.”

“Well, we had our first fight, so check that off the list.” I expect her to reprimand us, but she says nothing. “Isn’t that bad? That we’re already fighting?”

“Elide, I was more surprised when couples told me they didn’t get in a fight in the first twenty-four hours,” she replies. “You two went through a stressful, life-changing day. Emotions were running high.”

I nod. “Well, we traded insults a bit. Then he took a shower and I couldn’t get out of my dress. He helped me once he was out of the shower and then I went to bed. I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open.”

Dr. Towers is taking delivery notes, her pen flying over her notepad, but I’m positive she hasn’t missed a single word I’ve said. “When you said I went to bed, you mean individually?”

Swallowing, I nod again. It seems that was unexpected. “Yes, he let me have the bed and he slept on the couch.”

She’s still looking down at her notepad, scribbling away. “So you didn't sleep together? Is it safe to assume you did not have sexual relations?”

Oh, my god, why did I agree to do this again? This is more awkward than a visit with my gyno.

“No. I don't feel comfortable having sex with him yet. I need there to be some feelings first. I thought there might be, but it's just not there right now.”

She nods, finally looking up, giving me an encouraging smile. “And that’s completely understandable. You two opted to postpone the honeymoon?”

“Yes.”

She takes a few more notes and then looks up at me, placing her pen down atop her notepad.

I don’t know why the move gives me anxiety, but I’m instantly on edge, already dreading whatever she’s going to say.

“There can be no more separate sleeping. You're married, not roommates. You can wait to have intercourse until you’re ready, but I'm going to insist you sleep in the same bed. It helps build a bond.”

I cringe. “Not even for one more night?”

There’s so many extra beds here. It’s perfect.

She shakes her head, her curls shaking along with the movement. “I’m afraid not, Elide. It’s a part of the program.”

“Alright,” I sigh, petting Anneith as she curls back up into my laugh. “I will do my best.”

“That’s all we can ask for.” Her smile is genuine and I feel like she really does think Lorcan and I are a good match. She looks over her notes and then back up at the camera. “How about living arrangements? Where did we settle on that?”

“We’re going to buy a house,” I tell her, the words still feeling insane. He’d called a realtor on the way to the cabin and she was already scouring all of Orynth for the perfect home. “But for now we’re staying at his vacation home in the mountains.”

“That's a positive step, and it shows he’s taking this seriously. I can tell you're stressed out, Elide. Just try to relax and let things happen, okay? This is all part of the process. We really didn't expect the couples to fall in love at first sight.”

Letting out a deep breath, I nod. “You're right. It's just harder than we thought it would be.”

“Stay positive—and open-minded. Remember to write in your journal, and we'll chat next week. If you're feeling extra stressed, you can text or call me at any time. I don't want you to feel alone or be too overwhelmed, but I also want you to talk to him about your feelings as much as possible.”

Talking to Lorcan about my feelings. I bet that will go over well.

“Okay, I'll do my best. Should I send him in?”

“Yes.”

I get up, cradling Anneith to my chest and enter the hallway. I don’t hear anything in the cabin, save for the ceiling fan rotating in the living room. Listening for him, I pause. “Lorcan?”

A door at the other end of the hall opens. “Yeah?”

I awkwardly toss my thumb over my shoulder. “Dr. Towers is waiting for you.”

“Great.” As he heads for me, I appreciate just how…big he is. He’s so much taller than me. He scratches Anneith on the head as he goes and she immediately purrs.

Traitor.

As soon as the door shuts, I make my way down the hallway to the door he'd just come out of. Judging by the fact that our bags are on the floor, I assume it’s his room.

Our room, I correct myself, knowing I’ll be sleeping with him tonight.

I go downstairs. My stomach decides it’s going to cave in on itself if I don’t eat soon so I rummage through the pantry. There’s nothing in the fridge so I assume it’s been a while since anyone has been here for an extended period of time, but there’s a couple of cans of soup that haven’t expired. Yes, a grocery store run will be crucial first thing in the morning.

Luckily, there’s a wine cabinet with numerous unopened bottles. I select one and put it in the freezer to chill before I rummage through the cabinets and find a couple of pots. After putting them on the stove to simmer the soup, I go to the sliding door and look outside.

There’s a huge back patio with a hot tub and I almost moan. I haven’t been in one of those in ages. It’s the perfect night for it, not too hot. It sounds so relaxing.

Maybe I’ll ask Lorcan if I can sit in it. Or, if we can, considering I’ve promised Yrene that I’ll try a little harder. I shouldn’t distance myself when we just got here.

The soup is hot and I’m filling up two bowls by the time the door opens upstairs. Lorcan comes down a minute later and sees me bringing our bowls to the table. He slowly comes to a stop. “You made dinner?”

I chuckle. “If this can be considered dinner, then yes. There weren't a lot of options.”

“There’s a market about fifteen minutes down the road,” he says, and sits opposite of me. “We can head there as soon as we wake up tomorrow. I think they’re already closed for the night. They close pretty early.” He twirls his soup around with his spoon. “Thank you. For the soup.”

I awkwardly look down into my bowl. “You’re welcome.”

I’ve never cooked for anyone before. I can barely cook for myself, so I really hope he doesn’t think this is an every night thing yet. I can try, I just… There’s only so many ways you can spruce up ramen.

“Your chat with Yrene went okay?” I ask, and then instantly wonder if I’m even allowed to know what they talk about. I’m sure it’s confidential. “Nevermind, I’m sure you can’t—”

“I don’t mind, it went fine,” he says, taking a bite. He cringes as he looks back at me. “I didn’t tell her about my secret from earlier though, and I’m hoping you didn’t either.”

My lips quirk up. I have blackmail. As soon as the thought hits me, I know I’d never do that.

“I didn’t say a word, and I don’t plan to.” I set my spoon down and meet his gaze. “You’ve told me you can be faithful and I trust you.”

His eyes soften. “I can be. It’s more than just a promise, Elide, I made a vow to you.”

I smile, pleased that he really does seem to mean it.

We eat in silence for a moment, but it’s not as tense as I expected it to be.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and immediately, I start freaking out about who could be texting him. He’d told me that the groupies were a love ‘em and leave ‘em thing. Groupies wouldn’t have his number. Right?

He glances down at his watch, reading a text, and goes rigid, the tension that wasn’t there a minute ago is now.

I wait as long as I physically can before asking, “Is everything okay?”

Swiping the notification away, he gives me a forced smile. “Yeah, just my manager. The band is on a break, so she’s supposed to be giving us all some space.”

“Oh…” I don’t know what any of that means. “When do you go on tour again?”

His eyes leave mine and go to his bowl. He’s agitated. I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about this. I don’t either, but I don’t want to be blindsided.

Shaking his head, Lorcan doesn’t look up at me as he answers. “We don’t have anything booked. We’ve been having a…writing issue.”

“The band?” I should just let it drop. He clearly wants me to.

“Yeah.” He takes a bite and I know that’s all he’s willing to give me right now.

Clearing my throat, I ask, “What do you want to do after dinner?”

It’s clear he wasn’t expecting my question. He blinks. “Uh, I’m good with whatever.”

The confidence I felt earlier wanes. “I saw the hot tub on the back porch and—”

“Absolutely,” he breathes. “Yeah.”

I smile and it falters as I realize, after making the request, I don’t have a swim suit.

When I voice as much, he rolls his eyes with a chuckle. “Go naked.” My mouth falls open and I go to yell at the audacity of his suggestion, but then he starts laughing. “Relax, I’m kidding. I’ll go snoop in Rowan’s room to see if I can find one of Aelin’s. Do you think she’d mind?”

“No.” My eyes narrow on him but I can’t help my little smile. I have to admit, I like when he jokes around with me, even if those jokes are usually inappropriate. But, Aelin wouldn’t mind.

We finish eating and he disappears upstairs. I clean the bowls in the sink and put them away before remembering the bottle of wine in the freezer and taking it out, perfectly chilled. After I find two glasses, Lorcan is coming back down the stairs with a little black two piece in his hand.

He’s already wearing his swim shorts.

My mouth dries up at the sight of him and every time I see what’s under this man’s shirt I have no idea how it’s humanly possible to look so sculpted.

I hardly hear him when he says, “I see you found Aelin and Rowan’s wine. Before she came, all we had was whiskey.”

When I finally meet his eye to reply, he’s grinning that stupid little grin of his, the one that says he knows exactly what I’m thinking.

Clearing my throat, I turn to pour the wine into glasses. “It was certainly unexpected, but a good surprise.”

I don’t hear him approach, but suddenly, he’s next to me at the island, setting the swimsuit atop the counter. “How about you go change and I’ll get some towels and meet you outside?” As he speaks, he brushes my hair off my shoulder, his calloused finger tip brushing my skin.

I pray he didn’t hear my breathing hitch, but I nod. “Is there a bathroom downstairs or should I just go to…” My tongue trips up on the word our and I panic. “To the room?”

It’s like he’s enjoying my discomfort, his grin grows. He nods his head in the direction of the living room. “Down the hallway, first door on the left.”

Before I can further embarrass myself, I snatch the swimsuit and hurry out of the kitchen. I hear his deep rumbling laughter and then the back door open and close as I cut through the living room. Anneith is dozing on one of the couches and I resist the urge to run my finger along her soft ear. She’d be up and want to play and that’s not what I want to do right now.

What I want to do is go get in the hot tub with my husband.

Right?

I close myself in the bathroom and undress, thankful that, despite our lack of sexy times, I decided to go visit Aelin’s waxer earlier this week. Hurt like a bitch, but I don’t have to worry about my bikini line. Or anything else down there.

I step into the bottoms, finding they fit perfectly, but the top…

I take a look in the mirror and the only word that comes to mind is obscene.

Aelin has a beautiful body. It’s even and symmetrical and all of her parts look like they belong. She’s worn somewhere between a B- and C-cup since we were juniors in high school.

I, on the other hand, am not even and symmetrical. I’m the height of a twelve-year old, have absolutely no hips or ass, but my boobs? They’re ridiculous. D’s are hard enough to deal with, but add a second D and it can just be uncomfortable.

Everything is covered, despite my cleavage spilling out, literally, but I suck it up and head back for the kitchen. I pause to tie my hair up in a bun, noticing he’s already taken my wine out. Walking to the door, I grip the knob and take a deep breath.

When I step onto the back porch, he’s sitting on the edge of the hot tub with his wine glass halfway to his mouth. He completely stills when he sees me and I suddenly feel like I’m not wearing a damn thing.

I get nervous, my anxiety thrumming with my body being on display, but I also feel a strange sense of power as his eyes darken and his jaw locks. He doesn’t bother to hide the way he’s checking me out, and I don’t deny that I like it.

Inwardly, at least. I don��t tell him a damn thing.

He doesn’t say a word as I approach the hot tub and descend the stairs, into the steaming water. He has the jets going and I lean towards where he is and pick up the second filled wine glass.

He put the rest of the bottle in a bucket filled with ice. It’s strangely and surprisingly romantic.

It isn’t until I sit down and my breasts mostly disappear beneath the water that he says, “So you found the bathroom then.”

I may have been staring when I first saw him in his swimsuit, but at least my pause wasn’t as long and the first thing I said wasn’t that lame. The thought makes me smile.

And makes me feel pretty damn powerful.

I take a sip from the wine and it’s deliciously sweet and fruity. “I did but it seems the suit doesn’t quite fit.”

“I think it fits just fine,” he says, and I feel it’s taking him a lot of effort to keep his eyes on mine.

I roll my eyes and ignore the strange feeling in my stomach. “How often do you come out here?”

He looks up at the starry night sky and shrugs. “A couple of times a year. We used to come out more, all of us together, but then we got too damn busy.” There’s a wistfulness in his eye that makes me curious. “I love it here, though. It’s nice to get out of the city. Find solitude.”

I follow his gaze. The city isn’t too far off, but out here, the lights aren’t as bright and the sounds aren’t as loud. You can actually appreciate your surroundings. “I wouldn’t be opposed to living somewhere like this.”

“I’d be okay with that, too.” He turns toward me and smiles. “Orynth isn’t too far if we needed something. Rowan’s place is outside the city, too, so they wouldn’t be far.”

“I’d like that, to get away from the city,” I sigh, taking another drink of my wine. “I’ve been in that apartment so long, it’ll be nice to have something outside my window that isn’t bricks.”

“I’ll text the realtor in the morning,” he promises, a sparkle in his dark eyes.

We both take a drink before he says, “So. Dr. Towers said we should get to know each other better before we try to judge the system.”

Laughing, I nod. “She told me something similar.”

Draping his arm across the back of the seat, Lorcan asks, “Ever played Truth or Drink?”

My eyebrows raise. “I can’t say I have, but I think I can figure out the premise. Either answer the question or drink?”

“That would be it,” he replies, nodding to the bottle. “I figured we’d need refills.”

Romantic and a planner. Huh.

I sit up, holding my wine glass in my hand. “Okay, fine, you got first.”

His head tilts to the side. “How long exactly has it been since you’ve had sex?”

Groaning, I drop my head back. “Are we back to this?”

“Baby, we’re going to keep coming back to this until you tell me.”

The way he says baby makes me clench my thighs together, but I relent. “Just over two years.”

He doesn’t mock me. Instead his eyes widen a little but then he nods, slowly. “Why has it been so long? What happened?”

For a second I’m tempted to tell him that he’s already asked his question, then I’m tempted to take a drink, but then I sigh and say, “To keep it short, that was the last real relationship I was in.”

He waits for me to go on but when I don’t he simply says, “That makes sense.”

His response surprises me. Half of me expected him to tell me that I’m ridiculous and all of me expected him to make some sort of inappropriate comment. He does neither.

And then I get curious. “When was your last real relationship?”

The question seems to shock him as his body tenses and he breaks my stare. “Fuck,” he mumbles, rubbing his jaw. “Honestly? High school.” I raise a brow and he goes on. “After high school we started touring and I haven’t been in a steady relationship since.” He frowns as if he’s just realizing this for himself, as if he’s never truly thought about it. He’s been out of high school for a decade. No real relationship for ten years.

“What’s made you want a relationship now?” I ask, and his eyes find mine. He smiles but the light isn’t there anymore.

“That’s two questions,” he jokes.

I roll my eyes. “You asked me a follow up question. I get one too.”

He chuckles. “Fine.” He shifts on the bench, then looks me dead in the eye and takes a drink.

I gape. “Already? That’s not even that edeep of a question!”

He laughs and shakes his head, a little of that light returning. He reaches for me and pokes me in the side, which makes me yelp, as he says, “I’m just kidding.” He shrugs and keeps his answer simple, but real. “I was tired of everything being meaningless.”

“I can’t imagine that…” My words trailing off as I realize what I’m saying could be offensive. I look at him with a wince. “Sorry.”

“Why?” He takes another drink of his wine. “I come with a reputation. I did it to myself. Girls only ever wanted me for one thing and one thing only and eventually, I ran with it.”

I nod, cradling my own glass in my hands. I turn his words over in his head until I realize something. My head snaps up and I look at him. “Lorcan, I think I may have figured out one reason they put us together.”

He raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to go on. “Okay…”

“Sex is clearly a big deal to you,” I start, hoping to be able to articulate the thoughts in my head. “I mean, we’ve been married for…” I don’t have my phone, so I have to guess based on the sun. It’s nearly set, almost completely swallowed by the horizon. “A little over a day, and you’ve tried to have sex with me, what, three times?”

Shrugging, Lorcan nods. “Give or take.”

“And sex is important to me, too, but in a different way. I can’t have sex without feelings being there.” I shake my head, realizing I’m just telling him things I already know. “What I’m trying to say is, maybe they put us together because of that. “I can’t have sex without there already being a bond formed. You can’t have feelings without building a bond via sex. I think… I think we’re supposed to find a middle ground.”

He stares at me for a moment, the wine glass in his hand long forgotten. “And how do we find a middle ground on sex?”

It was a valid question, one that took me a minute to find an answer to. “I think our time on the couch was a pretty good start to finding a middle ground.”

His eyes lit up and I watch as a series of thoughts filter through his mind. “So I can kiss you anytime I want?”

I laugh, quietly. “More or less.”

He nods slowly and I wonder how inappropriate his next question will be. “Can I touch your ass?”

This time I flat out laugh. “I think we should get back to our game.”

He grins. “So that’s a yes, then?”

“How about this,” I say, and notice that he’s scooted closer to me. “In those…moments, I’ll just let you know when to stop.”

When I asked him to stop earlier, he had. I had been surprised then by his willingness to stop with no questions asked. I felt respected. Maybe that’s why this “middle ground” was something I wasn’t afraid of.

That grin softens. “I think that’s fair.”

I take a sip of my wine. I need it when he’s looking at me like that. “Now, the game.”

We go back and forth until the sun has sunk far below the horizon. We talk about everything, from the mundane, like our favorite subjects in school (his, is surprisingly enough, history. Or math. He said he enjoyed both, while I fall firmly in the literature loving group), to the formative, like when we first got drunk. You can learn a lot about a person by what the first thing they got drunk on was. We even talked about deeper things I wasn’t expecting, like religion, faith, and our beliefs. Apparently I wasn't the only one who wasn’t a fan of a traditional church wedding and opted for another venue.

With everything we have in common, it seems we end up closer and closer. By the time the wine bottle is empty, my legs are kicked up on the bench, across his lap. I don’t know how or when it happened, but I like being close to him. I’m also quite tipsy. Lorcan’s hand is on my thigh, but he doesn’t act like he has any intention of moving it higher.

I’m the first one to yawn and Lorcan checks his watch. “It’s pretty late. Want to get some rest?”

I nod and we get out of the hot tub. I’ve forgotten all about my improperly sized top until Lorcan clears his throat, holding open a towel for me. Cursing and blushing just as furiously, I wrap the towel around my upper body, thanking him.

“You know, you’ve got a filthy mouth,” he chuckles as we enter.

My eyebrows raise. “Like you have any room to talk?”

Holding his hands up in a placating gesture, Lorcan laughs. “I wasn’t trying to say I don’t. I just wasn’t expecting that from you, I guess.”

“With a best friend like Aelin, it rubs off on you.”

He laughs and every time he laughs I can’t help my own smile. It suits him.

As he’s cleaning out our wine glasses, I go upstairs to his room and grab my bag before going into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I take a long shower, careful not to get my hair wet, and let my thoughts run wild.

We won’t be having sex. That’s been made clear but still…it’s been two years since I’ve been in the same bed as a man. Although I trust Lorcan, an uncontrollable sense of nervousness fills my body. Sharing the same bed is almost as intimate as sex, just in a different way.

I stay in the shower until it goes cold, giving me that extra time I need to breathe.

It isn’t until there’s a knock on the door sometime later that I snap out of my dwindling thoughts.

“Elide? Everything okay?” I wonder how long he’s been concerned about me. I wonder what he thinks it is that I’m doing in here.

“Yes!” I call back, turning off the faucet. “I’ll be out soon. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” His voice is calm, soothing. “Just wanted to make sure you didn’t pass out or something. We were in the hot tub longer than we should’ve been.”

Damn, I must’ve been in here longer than I thought.

I step out of the shower and put on my pajamas, a tank top and comfy bottoms, before brushing my hair and my teeth. When I look in the mirror, I don’t look confident at all. I’m pale and I swear the worry lines on my forehead are permanent.

Is he worried? Nervous? Probably not.

Then again, when was the last time he’d shared a bed with someone? Surely none of his…hookups…stayed the night.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before making my way back down the hall. Lorcan is laying in his bed, on top of the blankets, wearing only a pair of sweatpants. Apparently, that’s all he ever wears to bed. His hair is wet and hanging loose, so he must’ve showered downstairs. He’s holding the remote in one hand and his other arm is tossed behind his head as he leans against his headboard. The tv is playing quietly from his dresser.

As soon as I stop in the doorway, he’s looking at me. When he meets my eye, there’s that look again that I can’t quite place.

We stare at each other for a moment in silence. I can see him suppressing his smile as he reaches to the other side of the bed and pats the mattress, beckoning me to come to him.

I swallow, nodding and cross the room. As I round the bed, I notice he has something paused on the television. Turning towards him, I see his eyes on my legs. The shorts I’m wearing are comfortable, but aren’t the most conservative sleeping attire I own. I hadn’t expected to be sharing a bed with him when I was packing, but it is what it is. He’s my husband. Eventually, he’ll see far more than just my bare legs.

The thought simultaneously terrifies me and runs an excited chill up my spine.

“What are you watching?” I ask, climbing into the bed and getting under the covers, despite the fact that he lays atop them.

Rather than answer, he leans over to his nightstand, pressing play and turning the lamp off.

As the room is plunged into near darkness, the familiar beeps of an old school video game greet me. My head tilts. “Is this—?”

Coughing joins the beeping and I swivel towards him. He’s grinning, pulling his legs up to slip under the sheets and blanket with me. “Thought we’d watch an old classic.”

As The Princess Bride starts, my own smile grows. “Okay.”

We sit in that comfortable silence I’m starting to realize is normal for us. I’ve never been one to fill the air with idle chit chat and I get the feeling Lorcan isn’t either. I risk a glance over at him.

His back is up against the headboard and his head is tipped back, as well. His eyes are heavy lidded, as if he’s just as tired as I am. It’s been a long, emotional day, just like yesterday. He’s firmly on his side of the bed, keeping to his word, and I’m on mine.

Wow. We have sides of the bed now. That’s so…domestic.

On screen, they’ve just reached the Cliffs of Insanity when I make a move that makes me question my own sanity.

I scoot over, curling into Lorcan’s side, laying my head on his chest. He’s warm, despite not wearing a shirt and I feel him go still as I rest my hand on his abdomen. I don’t move either, not knowing if he’ll ask me to move back to my side or if he even likes to cuddle. Maybe he hates it and we’ll never—

A warm strong arm wraps around me, pulling me closer into him. My leg automatically covers his. He practically pulls me on top of him.

I like it.

A strange sense of security eases my nervousness as we meld together. After a few minutes his fingers start tracing lazy circles in the middle of my back. It makes yawn, makes me struggle to stay awake. At one point my eyes can’t take it anymore. They slowly close and I know Lorcan is just behind me as his fingers move slower and slower against my back.

Then Lorcan yelps.

Like…he actually yelps in the most unmanly way possible which is ridiculous coming from this behemoth of a man.

As I sit up he’s looking under the covers and muttering, “Damn cat.”

Anneith emerges from beneath the blankets, crawling over his legs and settling against me. I can’t help but laugh, even though I’m completely exhausted.

Lorcan shakes his head and settles back against the bed. “Dont laugh, she scared the shit out of me.”

“Oh yeah,” I say, refusing not to laugh. “She’s terrifying.”

Even in the dark I can feel him give me a look but I settle back against him and his arm is around me once more. Anneith changes her mind, crawling back over me and settling on Lorcan’s stomach, just above my arm. She peeks her head out of the blanket, snuggles into a ball and closes her eyes.

He sighs and says, “When I was signing up for this six months ago, I never thought a cat would be part of the deal.”

“Well, we’re a package deal.” I sit up, careful not to disturb Anneith, and turn to face him. “You want one of us, you get both of us.”

His hand leaves my back where it’s been for the better part of the movie and suddenly comes back down on my ass. He grabs it, smirking at me. “I definitely want one of you, so I guess I’ve got both.”

“Lorcan!” I push off his chest, but his arm is still wrapped around me, so I don’t get very far.

I’m smiling so he knows I’m not too mad. I wasn’t expecting that, but I probably should have been. Just hours ago he was asking if he was allowed to touch my ass, and I hadn’t explicitly said no.

Anneith, who escaped to the end of the bed, is glaring up at us as she settles back in to go to sleep.

His other hand comes up to brush my stray hairs out of my face. It seems more intimate than the hand still on my ass and my smile fades. His smirk is gone but the smallest of smiles remains on his mouth, making it hard for me to breathe.

Lorcan is interesting. I never know if he’s going to be crass or grumpy or sweet as hell. I realize that I don’t mind any of those traits coming from him. One makes me laugh, one challenges me, and one makes my heart beat twice as fast.

We’re close enough that I can easily close the space between us, so I do. I push myself up that extra inch and kiss him, softly. The hand that’s not still on my ass cups my cheek as he kisses me back once, twice, and then I snuggle myself into his side again and we fall into a deep sleep.

#‘til death do us part #elorcan tddup #elorcan #elide lochan #lorcan salvaterre #lord lorcan lochan #elide x lorcan #throne of glass #throne of glass fanfiction #snacmc collabs #snelbz x the lady of death collab

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deathofpeaceofmiiind · 4 months

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high infidelity | twenty one

"I rent a place on Cornelia Street", I say casually in the car. We were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go. As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home

*Ellie's POV* A few days later…

I was finally back up in Vancouver and with Liam, I missed him so much and being with him gave me a sense of stability. Tyler put the house up for sale and it sold on the same day which was incredibly lucky but very normal for Vancouver real estate. Liam and I have just been staying with my dad for the time being, which my dad enjoyed. Danielle even found me a condo and I was getting ready to move into it already. I had to admit this transition period in my life was going a lot easier than I expected. I had such an incredible support system that made it even better.

“I can’t believe this place is mine.” I mused as I walked around my new home. It was right in the heart of Vancouver, bright open layout, lots of windows, a large patio, and even better it had three bedrooms so Liam could have his own space and I could still have a guest room. Danielle looked over at me at smiled, “It’s all yours babe, time for a fresh start.” “Absolutely.” I mused, still not believing I was finally out of that house and didn’t have to walk on eggshells. I could decorate it the way I wanted, adopt a cat if I wanted, put my Christmas tree up early without someone bitching in my ear. Hell I could drink wine and dance around naked if I wanted to. “When does the furniture arrive?” “Tomorrow.” I had taken some of my money from the house selling to get new furniture, cause I wanted nothing from the house in here besides Liams room. Danielle and I were gonna mirror it to his old room to help him with the transition. “It was nice of them to leave this couch.” “This couch is fucking sick.” Danielle agreed, it was a giant cloud couch that almost wrapped around the whole living room. I couldn’t wait to have Noah and the guys up here to hang out and have family dinners or even football Sunday’s with them. I went to check on Liam, but as soon as I did my phone buzzed, it was a text from Noah. “Special delivery at your front door.” I raised my eyebrow and walked towards the door. My footsteps felt heavy the closer I got, I checked the peephole, but he wasn’t on the other side of the door. Filled with confusion I swung the door open and saw a giant bouquet of ivory roses. My heart skipped a beat, they were my favourite. How did he know?

I grabbed my phone and face-timed Noah, he answered and saw me with the flowers,“Congratulations on your new home baby.”

I blushed as I stared at the screen, he was sitting in his home studio as his favourite Naruto hoodie hugged his body. “Thank you these are gorgeous.” “I thought you deserved a house warming gift.” “I’ll never say no to flowers. Are you happy to be home?” I replied as I sat down on the floor in my empty bedroom, completely consumed by Noah’s voice. Funny how a few short years ago I found comfort in his voice on Twitch and now he’s FaceTiming me daily, it was something out of a teenage dream. “I am.” He replied as he scanned his room. “It’s just missing something.” Rolling my eyes, already knowing the answer, “hmm, what could that be?” “You, obviously.” His smile faded and turned into a small pout, “I miss you so much, Ellie.” My heart sunk as it hit me that he really wasn’t here with me, but he was in another country. At least we were in the same timezone but it still wasn’t enough. “I miss you too, Noah.” “I actually have a question for you.” He started. “We upgraded to a bigger venue tomorrow and the remaining tickets sold out quickly so we added a second show the night after. I was wondering, if you’re able, do you want to come down for the second show?” “I’d love to Noah.” A smile appearing on my face, “I want to see what your life is like down there. Only thing is, I’d have to fly down the day of the show. Liam goes back to his dad’s tomorrow after dinner.” He smiles at me through the screen, “Works for me.” “I can’t wait to see you.” I stopped myself, every cell in my body wanted me to tell him I loved him. I wanted to tell him, but over the phone just didn’t seem right. “I can’t wait to see you either.” He was cut off by his doorbell ringing. “What are your plans tonight?” “Inhale this ramen that just arrived and watch more Demon Slayer.” His dark eyes burned a whole into my heart as he looked at me, “Isn’t your boyfriend so exciting?” “Very.” I chuckled. “I can’t wait to see you.” “Once this tour’s over I’m coming up to stay with you with no interruptions okay? I gotta go though, Jesse might steal my food.” He replied, referring to his roommate Jesse Cash, who was also in a band called Erra. Noah started to walk out his room and I could hear him yelling at Jesse to not go to the door. Jesse told him to get fucked and went anyway. “Goodnight babe.” I hung up and I just sat there, feeling tears in my eyes. How can I have so much going for me but I feel deflated? I didn’t want to feel like this. I didn’t want to be this attached to him this fast but he made it impossible, especially with how he’s been so devoted to me. This felt like the cruelest way to fall in love, but I knew it was something I would have get used to with his career. “Mama?” I looked up, Liam walked into the room and towards the flowers. I smiled at him as I wiped the tears from my eyes, he caught me and walked over to me. It amazed me that even at his age he felt my sadness and wanted to make me feel better. He crawled onto my lap and hugged me, putting his head on my shoulder. I held him close to me as I felt more tears escaped my eyes. It can only get easier from here…right?

#fanfic #bad omens #noah sebastian

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metatomatoes · 2 months

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Long-ass personal story/rant under the cut. Feel free to skip, I'm mostly just writing this down to get it out of my system.

So, 2024 did not start out all that great, but it was manageable. And then February hit, everything proceeds to fall apart. Yay.

February 1

My beloved uncle John died of cancer after transitioning to in-home hospice care in early December. This one is rough. I'm very close to him and his family. I was raised by a single mom, and while I was very young my uncle was her go-to when she needed someone to watch me. That, and she wanted me to have an positive relationship with an adult male family member because I couldn't get that kind of social development at home. TL;DR he was kinda my surrogate dad when I was little and we never lost that bond.

The following week was kind of a blur of tears, grieving and prepping for my uncle's wake and funeral. I volunteered to do a reading/reflection at the service. I went to work, although I definitely was not at my best. For example, I accidentally purchased $800 worth of company swag on my personal debit card. Stuff like that.

February 9

My parter and I go to his wake in the afternoon and get home around 10 pm. Sad, difficult, exhausting, but also full of love and support.

Feb 9/10

I'm not sleeping well so I'm up late watching something, when around 1 am I hear water dripping inside a wall where that does not make sense for that sound to be heard. The upstairs unit in the 3-decker condo I live in is currently unoccupied, so I go up there to discover their living room radiator has a massive leak. We turn off the heat and the radiator valves, stopping the outflow of water and get as much of the water on the floor mopped up as possible.

February 10

Wake up to a water-soaked living room ceiling. Apparently the leak went on just long enough that a lot of water got under the floorboards upstairs, despite our best efforts to soak it all up. So, now we have pretty significant water damage that is going to have to be fixed at some point - fingers crossed we just have to strip and repaint as opposed to needing to have the whole thing re-platstered.

I can't think about all that right now though, because this day is also my uncle's funeral. It's a nice service. I read one of my uncles' favorite poems and give a short reflection, which goes well. Reception followed by family gathering. It really was good to see all my extended family, and people I haven't seen since my uncle John got married. (I'm quite famous among my aunt's family from their wedding, where I notably accidentally drank champange and gave a very enthusiastic performance as a "bop bop" girl when the wedding party was recruited to pretend we were a band at the reception. I was 6 at the time, so I do look a bit different now 😂).

Feb 12/13

I wake up in the middle of the night because my partner is burning up with a fever and tossing around like a fish out of water. Yep, he got the Covid - turns out my uncle Eric (who my partner and I spent a lot of time with over the course of the wake and funeral for my uncle John) tested positive when he got home on Sunday. Honestly I have never seen my partner this sick in the 8.5 years we have known each other! Neither of us have contracted Covid before now and this shit is no joke.

I have an oral surgery on Friday so I'm crossing my fingers I don't get sick as well.

February 13

At work, my amazing employee "A" of 3.5 years lets me know her last day is going to be March 1st. She's leaving for personal reasons which are 100% legit and I know it was a hard decision for her to make. Still, I am really going to miss this girl, as will everyone she works with on our team.

And on a somewhat selfish note, this also means a lot more work for me as I fill in for her responsibilities and start the recruiting process. So that's a lot to plan for, but at the time all I felt was just....loss. And pride, because I know it took a lot for A to make this decision and prioritize herself and her family over work. I'm just sad about it. And a tad overwhelmed, but I can manage, right?

February 14

Partner is still very sick, but by the end of the day he's starting to improve. Unfortunately, my wonderful cat Killick passes away in the evening. This was not out of nowhere - he's a senior cat who was diagnosed with hyperthyrodism a few years ago, which he never quite bounced back from despite our and our vet's best efforts. The last few months he's been losing weight, but we actually thought he was doing a bit better because his activity and social time was increasing. However, in the last week he hadn't been very interested in food and was sleeping more than usual, so we scheduled a vet appointment to see what was up, but it was not to be.

I miss my kitty 😭

February 16

Alas, I could not escape the Covid 🤒. I wake up with a high fever, achy all over and sweating. So I cancel my oral surgery and spend the next 2/3 days mostly horizontal. I do have some very creative fever dreams though.

Today

I am mostly recovered from Covid. I've spent the last few days getting my life back together as during all the above events and illness my partner and I ran out of pretty much everything in the house (like groceries and toilet paper) in addition to falling behind on things like house cleaning and groceries. We've also been spending a lot of time focused on our other cat, Mia, who is adjusting to being an only cat now. She's gettting there, and so are we.

I'm still a little behind at work, but catching up as I can. Luckily, my position allows me to set my own schedule and priorities and I have never been more grateful for that kind of flexibility.

Emotionally, I'm a little all over the place. I have broken down in tears over tiny things, like me forgetting an item at the grocery store. I have times where my mood is downright awful and I'm mad at everything. I have had trouble sleeping and maintaining focus, times when I'm hyperproductive and times when I really just want to do nothing but zone the fuck out. I know it's going to take time to find my equilibrium again, and I'm doing my best to give myself the grace to do that.

Anyway, there's no real point to this story other than FUCK this stupid shit show of a month. If you made it this far, thank you for reading, and I hope your month has been better than mine!

#personal #story time #this month has been awful let me tell you about it #messy metatomatoes #tldr #cw death #cw animal death

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yannig · 19 days

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I watched Bed Friend

And I loved it!

Ngl, the premise of them starting as friends with benefits made me a bit hesitant to start it. I'm ace, and generally not a big fan of sex scenes on screen. I put up with them when they're relevant to the story, but getting into a show whose whole starting point was that the main couple were having sex together - yeah, I wasn't too hot. But I heard that the show dealt with Uea's trauma pretty well, so I decided to give it a shot.

And boy am I happy I did! First of all, there isn't that much sex. Like, we got more intense and developed scenes in Kinnporsche. Second of all, it was great!

This is one of my favorite BL so far!

Bed friend is a pretty good term for FWB, actually. I don't know if the show came up with it or not, but it's the first time I heard it and it's great!

I have a type! Apparently the cold-and-dismissive-because-traumatised meets cocky-but-caring-who-will-give-anything-to-take-care-of-them dynamic really does it for me. This is the exact same dynamic than between Sky and Prapai, who are one of my favorite BL couples. x) I guess I just like black cat x golden retriever uh.

Though I will say, I think Bed Friend handled the trauma better. By quite a large margin. My boy Uea is actually going to therapy! And taking medication for his mental health! And takes time to recover.

Yeay for STD awareness! Going to get tested after a night where no one was sober enough to remember to use a condom is a great idea! Especially when you've just learned your boyfriend was cheating on you. Get tested friends!

What's up with King's interior design, seriously? Listen, you wanna put copies of classical paintings in your condo, sure, have fun. It screams "I'm rich", but it can work. But what the fuck is up with the painting in his bedroom???

I'm pretty sure it's The Coronation of Napoleon. And I do. not. understand. why anyone would put that in a bedroom. If you want to flex about it, put it in your living room or something, but the bedroom?? I - I don't get it. Of all the classical paintings to chose from. Why this one?

Mind you, it's a detail, and one that has no impact on the story whatsoever. But it bugged me every time it was on screen.

King's reaction at the end of episode 7 was bad enough I almost didn't forgive him.

This is one of the tropes I hate the most ; the love interest getting jealous over what was clearly sexual assault. I hate it with a passion.

Especially when the love interest already has reasons to suspect it wasn't consensual. And King very much did. He spent the entire episode protection Uea from Krit, and now he's accusing Uea of asking for it?! I was waiting the whole scene for him to bash the door in or something, and instead he goes victim blaming?!?!

Listen. I know the context. Uea was pulling away full stop, and King was getting angsty and insecure. But to the point of getting jealous of what he knew was sexual harassment?! Fuck you King.

Props to Uea for telling King they couldn't even be friends if that was how he talked to him! Good job! Don't let the man be an asshole just because you like him!

So, why did I forgive him?

I frankly would have liked it better if we got an actual apology scene. He should have had to hear exactly how he made Uea feel that night.

But. Except for that, he did pretty good to fix his fuck up. Beginning with making sure Krit faced consequences and would never bother Uea again. Even if it meant putting his own job on the line. As far as grand gestures of apology go, this one is pretty good.

And then, because grand gestures are good but what matters is how you behave on the daily, he consistently showed Uea he respected his boundaries. Including asking if he could go after the step-father instead of just doing it, and later respecting Uea's need for time before acting on the info they obtained.

Also yes, a man who can make the system work to actually punish rapists and abusers is hot. The mafia way of murder and torture is great, but not very applicable for most of us. Having actual examples of the system working once in a while is good for the soul okay.

I would have liked for him to grovel a bit more, because I love grovel, but overall he's doing pretty well. So I forgive him. But I'm not forgetting!

#bed friend the series #king x uea #spoilers #bed friend spoilers #tw sex assault #it comes with the show but still #if anyone has recommendations for black cat x golden retriever in QL #I'd happily hear them #tw rape

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estellamiraiauthor · 1 year

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The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 34, aka the end)

Well, here we are at the last chapter!

As always, spoilers under the cut:

So. The last chapter, which I actually wrote before the second to last chapter because it was easier. There’s no conflict here, just my boys finally getting to be happy together.

Rei has moved… and if you’re willing to wait until this chapter, I think this is the BIGGEST sign that he’s made some significant changes to his life for the better. Moving out of that apartment that’s practically haunted with memories of Saki and now of Teru? That’s HUGE. Plus the place he moves into is bright and has windows that aren’t blacked out and is accessible, and it’s just such a better place for him mentally and physically.

And of course he buys the piano from the previous chapter because it’s fate, dammit, and puts a photo of Saki on top of it, with Teru’s blessing… because just because a loved one isn’t with us anymore doesn’t mean they’re no longer a loved one, or no longer a part of their family… and I do think Rei and Saki WERE a family, even if the law wouldn’t let them be so on paper.

So, Rei and Teru can’t legally be married either, but they do what they can to make sure that they are both legal owners and residents of the new condo, and that either of them will inherit the other’s wealth if something were to happen.

One other thing that some same-sex couples in Japan do is adult adoption, which makes the younger partner legally the adopted child of the older partner. The system itself is mostly for people who have family businesses or assets that they would like to keep in the family, or a family name that either has a lot of value or is maybe very rare that they want to preserve, but who don’t have children of their own or whose children died, married into other families, went into a different profession, etc. I’m not sure if Teru and Rei would do this. I think Rei would want to, because one of the biggest benefits is that you become each others legal next-of-kin and can make things like medical decisions. I think Rei would want to know that if he were ever in a situation where he was unable to make those decisions for himself again, that Teru would be the one making the call. But I’m not sure Teru would love the idea just because, you know, he doesn’t want to be Rei’s SON, he wants to be his HUSBAND. So, it might be a choice they’d make eventually, but I don’t think they’d be rushing to do it at this point in time.

And then they go to visit Saki. I don’t really think there’s a lot to comment on here—it’s all there on the page?

I know not everyone loves the last line: “For as long as they had, until the seasons turned.” Some people have said that it implies that they didn’t live happily ever after, but that wasn’t really the intent. It was just to say that nothing lasts FOREVER, but that knowing That doesn’t make it LESS of a happy ending. Even if they grow very, very old together and die in each other’s arms at age 100 (and 115? See, already looking pretty unlikely), that still isn’t FOREVER. The relationship WILL end someday, because everything does. But that makes it MORE beautiful, not less.

And the book actually ends with “The End”. I know a lot of writers add “The End” when they finish a draft, but I never did. I only added it when I was ready to publish and (more or less) happy with the path I chose.

And that concludes my way-too-long annotations! Thank you for sticking with me till the end!

#the stars may rise and fall #annotated #phantom retelling #writing process #the end

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audiovisualrecall · 1 year

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I just wish I'd gone on my great adventure out on my own in college or something where I'd have home to come in for q landing at. But I'm almost 30 and my parents want to leave and I've never flown on my own before without coming back to roost in a week or so, and I'll have to and I don't want my first flight on my own to be without my home and the safety and support to come back to. It's not fair. No one pushed me when I was younger, now all of a sudden everything is moving fast and I'm behind. I'm going to be left behind and there'll be no one here. My parents say oh we will buy a condo here and you will live there unless you choose to move out, contribute to the utilities or something if you are able to, and thats great but a place to live is not enough when I'm long used to being able to come get a hug or cry on a shoulder or have help with an issue. A place to live is not a support system.

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fluffy-critter · 2 years

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#crosspost #busybee

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thepropertylovers · 2 years

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An Update From the Beach

Since the sun rises around 6 am here, we woke up extra early this morning, before anyone in the house.

We’re sipping our coffees and looking out the windows at the dreary, overcast day that waits for us outside. The weather hasn’t been great this trip, which sort of matches the last few times we’ve driven down here. PJ told me yesterday, in so many words, that he basically hates being at the beach when it rains, and I have to say, I agree. The kids can’t swim in the pool, we can’t all go to the beach and the amount of work we can do on the exterior of our new beach shack is limited.

So we’ve been playing puzzles the last few days, something the kids are surprisingly having a ton of fun with and are actually really good at. I love watching them get excited about finding a matching piece and connecting it with another one. Especially Anna, who’s excitement over them is palpable.

In fact, she and Allan just woke up and sleepily waddled into the living room and the first thing she did was open the drawer that’s full of games and grab the little jigsaw 100 piece puzzle and dumped it on the table. A good way to start off the day.

Yesterday we went to the new house and started emptying it out of all the stuff the previous owners left. We found ourselves not wanting to leave, imagining what it’ll look like some day and how we’ll use it when it’s finished. I have this vision of us walking barefoot through the front yard to the beach with the kids with just a few towels and maybe a bucket, just the essentials to have a good time on the sand. One day!

Matt and Beau made us an incredible dinner the other night: Oven roasted chicken with rosemary potatoes and a chickpea tahini salad. We ate it on the balcony of the condo we’re staying at, which was made even more special because of the view. There’s a straight line to the ocean!!

This summer most likely won’t be for completing the house though. With Getaway House and Holiday House underway, and one of them so close to being finished, we’re focusing our full attention on those two before starting a renovation so far away from home. That didn’t stop PJ from meeting with contractors and lining up people to start working on certain things in the meantime, of course. You know how he is. And thank goodness, because right now we don’t have an HVAC system and we’re relying strictly on wall units to cool the house down. Something tells me that won’t cut it down here in the middle of the summer.

PJ’s gone for a run and we have just one more kid who needs to wake up, then the day officially begins. Wonder what we’ll get in to today?

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thebanaltongue · 3 months

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Before we get too far into 2024, I wanna look back on some of my favorite parts of 2023. My life has changed so much over the last few years, entirely for the better, and I'm so thankful for it every day.

This has been the most wonderful and healing journey I've been on, and this is the trajectory I want to keep for my life; staying on course, working to be the best version of me, with the incredible support system of friends both old and new I have beside me.

So cheers to 2023, and my past, and everything that brought me here!

Oliver, of course, remains one of the best things. To the surprise of no one. Look at his little face!

Some of my amazingly talented friends and I started an art collective and now we travel Central Ohio selling at art shows.

Another friend and I doubled down on our small side hustle and we broke CinCityCon records for selling, I'm pretty sure! It was so successful this year, we're looking at going to Orgins in 2024!

We got to meet some of our favorite celebrities at GalaxyCon!

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY LEAVE OFF OUR DND GROUP AT THE RENFAIR??? Some of my favorite people on the planet 🥰 our necromancer and ranger sadly had to cancel. (this picture shows off another fave: see my scarlet letter??? I'm an Officially Licensed Wench of the 73rd Division!)

🎵chicken wing, chicken wing, hotdog and baloney, pathfinder with my homies🎵

The Wild West escape room we did for my birthday! TJ was horribly sick and couldn't make it, which was so sad, but we managed to have a great time anyway!

Some friends and I marched in the Columbus Pride Parade. It was long and hot, but honestly it was so inspiring see the turn out of THOUSANDS of people living and supporting their best rainbow lives! I can't wait to go again in 2024!

Speaking of parades I marched in the Renfair Parade almost every weekend with my faefam! I have made so many new friends - the fae are some of the most genuine, inspirational, authentic people out there and I'm just endlessly blessed to have their love and support and to have made such close friends through this.

And I made a tiktok for my cosplays and such! Something to do here and there when I have a little bit of free time - I'm having so much fun! 😂 🦊

Me with Garrett FUCKING Sander!! Word of advice, meet your idols - they might be so kind and cool!

There's so much more that deserves to be mentioned here; the Christmas and pysanky parties that my friends throw every year, the book club a couple of us started for smut (Clit Lit heyo😂), Thanksgiving and board games, our condo coming all together, concerts and crafts... but tumblr says my post is too long 😅 TOO MUCH GOOD?? this hellsite is for angst and politics how very dare 🤣🤣🤣

Life is good, my heart is full... and I want to keep these memories and cherish them. So I guess I'm turning this into a modern scrapbook!

I can't wait to see what 2024 brings!

#me #my life #my art #modern scrapbook #memories #friendship #fae folk #juniper #peace love and sunflowers #living my best life #life is good

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jbk405 · 8 months

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Jeez louise am I frustrated and aggravated right now.

My aunt moved recently, and she asked me to come by to help her set up her internet and TV. When I get there I learned that she hasn't had the internet service connected to her condo, she just went to a store and bought a modem/router and subscribed to an internet provider. So, she's paying for the service, but hasn't had it hooked up.

She expected me to be able to just...make it work. Because I'm computer-y.

It took an hour of "No, you need to call the internet company and they need to send someone here to physically connect the wires to your home. Yes, they are going to charge you a lot of money for it. No, I can't just connect an ethernet cable for you and make it work."

When I finally got her to accept that there was nothing -- NOTHING -- that I could do tonight, we started working through exactly what she would ask the service provider to do when she calls tomorrow.

She said she doesn't want cable, only internet service, she just wants to be able to watch TV. I explain that for that, you need cable. Oh, no, she just means Netflix/Amazon Prime/etc. Okay, then you don't need cable, for that you just need an internet connection, provided you have accounts for those services. She does, great, but she also wants to make sure she'll still be able to watch live TV.

I explain that no, she won't, for that she'll need to get cable. Unless she goes the route that I went and uses an antenna.

'An...tenna'? What's that?

I never -- not in a million years -- would have thought that I would need to explain what a TV antenna is to someone who grew up with TV antennas! She used them for 30 years! Maybe longer!

What do you mean 'how does it work'? Do you want an engineering lesson on radio waves and broadcast systems? You have a radio in your car! You use it every day! It's the exact same concept!

What do you mean 'is it legal'? WHY WOULDN'T IT BE LEGAL?

She honest-to-god called her ex-husband while I was there and told him about how I use an antenna for my TV as if it was some revolutionary new invention.

In the midst of all this she is also trying to set me up with the daughter of a friend. Yes, playing matchmaker in the middle of the whole cable/antenna adventure. But she's trying to make this connection by messaging this woman -- who she has never met or spoken to -- on Facebook. This is not something that she arranged in advance. And I keep saying that this woman is not going to respond to an unsolicited matchmaking attempt from a person claiming to be a friend of her mother, who she has never met or spoken to. She's going to think it's spam and disregard the message automatically. And my aunt keeps asking me for wording advice despite me saying over and over that we are not going to get any response to this. At all. People do not respond to "Hey, I'm totally a close family friend, will you give me your phone number?"

I finally got her to write down what she is going to ask for when calls her internet provider tomorrow, and walk her through what she needs. As I'm heading out the door she says that her daughter had told her that she was going to need to do exactly this when she first moved.

WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT THEN? Why didn't you just listen to your daughter WHO IS A VERY INTELLIGENT AND BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN?!?!

I'm still fuming.

#My life #Technology #Internet #TV #Cable TV #Antenna #TV Antenna

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bylightofdawn · 9 months

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WIP Sunday

Okay so I'm TECHNICALLY 30 minutes late but ya'll I think this is the first WIP Sunday I've done in three weeks so we're not going to dither over the nitty gritty details.

Jaster is meeting with Plo and Tyvokka regarding his frustrations in finding a trade negotiator and broker who is willing to stand up to the Trade Federation goons. Afterwards, their talk shifts to other topics and he royally puts his foot in his mouth because he has -100 speech sometimes. Story spoiler characters beneath the cut, you have been warned. I'm also SO FUCKING CLOSE to ending this chapter but I have a blinding migraine and I just...cannot brain any further. I guess this way ya'll don't have to deal with any cliffhangers cause this was gonna end on one. As always, this is super rough and not edited yadda yadda

“Aside from stress regarding trying to iron out a fair trade agreement for Mandalore, how are things going otherwise? Jango looked in fine health when I saw him.”

“He’s pretty much fully recovered, he’s been pestering me to let him join the patrols.”

That earned him a sharp look from Arla because apparently her brother hadn’t felt the need to inform her of that. And judging by the way her eyes narrowed angrily, she wasn’t pleased with this development.

“Have you…had any further issues with Death Watch?” Plo Koon asked carefully.

“They seem to have gone to ground. I’m not sure if they are reinforcing and preparing for an all out assault or what.” Jaster very pointedly didn’t glance in Arla’s direction. “Coruscant is a nightmare to try and track anyone.”

“Honestly, I’d much prefer to conclude our business here and fight with them just about anywhere else in the galaxy. And I’m sure the CSF feel the same way, the sooner we get off of their planet with the minimal amount of damage to the city or its citizens, the better.” Jaster admitted, rubbing at his face tiredly.

Tyvokka growled something and the crisp Coruscanti accent of the translation program echoed his sentiments. “We would prefer to avoid outright warfare in the streets as well.”

“I understand, Master Tyvokka, which is what we are trying to accomplish because I can assure you, I don’t want any collateral damage or blood on my hands either. We aren’t Death Watch where civilian lives are considered an acceptable cost for victory’s sake.”

Belatedly, he realized how thoughtless a thing to say in front of Arla and he slanted a guilty look the blonde’s way. “Sorry, habit.”

Her chin jerked up in a belligerent angle.

“Don’t apologize; you’re right. The slaughter of my family proves that. Death Watch doesn’t care about innocent bystanders or collateral damage. I should know; I was one of them. What do you think my kill count is?” She spat the last part before turning coldly on her heel and stalking out of the room.

“Jaster…”

“I know, ner kar’ta.” He’d already jumped to his feet when Plo called his name. “Excuse me, I’m sorry.”

“Of course, go focus on Arla.”

He needed no further convincing and jogged out of the room in search of Arla. He knew he was on the right track when he ran into a wounded-looking Jango.

“What the kriff did you say to her?” His son hissed at him.

“I screwed up, ad’ika. Where is she?”

“She was headed up to the roof. You might want to wear a jackpack in case she decides to push you off!” Jango called after him as he pushed by.

“You missed your calling as a comedian, Jango.” Jaster shot back over his shoulder as he reached the turbolift. Unlike Arla, it was coded to give him full access to the condo’s lift system. Jango had joked about her throwing him off of the roof but a more realistic scenario and one she thankfully had not tried so far was for her to overpower one of them, maybe knock them unconscious--or worse--and use their biometrics to try and escape.

There had been a reason all of them had been armed around her for the first few weeks though she hadn’t really made any earnest attempts to escape.

Now, he had no idea what emotional state he’d find the young woman in now that he’d so thoughtlessly triggered her trauma responses. Belatedly, he realized there was a smattering of blood in the corner of the lift which looked worryingly fresh.

Jaster was concerned Arla might have hurt herself somehow and the moment the lift door opened, he ran out of them, desperately searching around for the blonde.

“Arla!” He spotted her near the rooftop’s edge on the lounge she seemed to favor. She sat with her knees curled up to her chest and her face buried in her arms.

“Go. Away!” She snarled at him and Jaster could hear the waver in her voice.

Guilt flooded him as he cautiously approached.

“I’m sorry. I am a complete and utter ass.”

“I don’t care about your stupid apologies. Leave me alone!” Arla shouted at him.

“I can’t, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you when I said that, Arla. None of us blame you for what you did when you were in Death Watch. You were kidnapped, tortured, and brainwashed into doing what they want. They had to pump you full of drugs to keep you compliant. You are not responsible for what you did with them.”

“Maybe that’s good enough for you, but it’s not good enough for me.” When she raised her head to glare at him, Jaster could see the tears running down her cheeks and his heart ached for the girl.

“We’ve all done things we regret. You have the choice to drag that around like chains holding you to your past, or you can choose to acknowledge what you did but also that you were manipulated and abused until it was easier to comply than fight Death Watch.”

The dark-haired man carefully approached and finally knelt in front of Arla on the deck so they were more or less at eye level. “We Mandalorians…we understand that sometimes your past contains so many awful and painful memories that you long for a fresh start. If you want, when we get back to Mandalore, we can arrange for you to perform a cin vhetin.”

“That only works with non-Mandalorians.” The blonde argued somewhat weakly and this close, Jaster could see the shivers running through her frame.

“I”m the Mand’alor. I make the rules and deem an exception will be made here. Let the old you die so that you can live a healed life with a happier and more honorable future. Because you might try and convince me you’re a monster, Arla Fett, but I know better. I’ve known true monsters, and you are not one of them.”

After a moment’s hesitation, he reached out and touched her shoulder gently.

She looked at him with red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes and Jaster suddenly found himself nearly back onto his ass when she slid off of the lounge and threw herself at him with a sob. Shocked but unwilling to ignore that silent plea for comfort, he wrapped his arms around the crying woman and did his best to soothe her as she cried into his shoulder.

He had some experience of this from when Jango had been much younger and less likely to squirm in the face of any affection, so he drew upon those old tricks and smoothed his hand up and down Arla’s back soothingly and just let her cry herself out.

If she was anything like her brother, she wouldn’t spill her guts or tell him what was going on inside her brain, and trying to pry it out from her would probably send her skittering away like a skittish tooka.

#el writes #wip sunday #fanfic snippet #seeds for the future fic #jaster mereel #plo koon #tyvokka #and spoiler character

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