#i tell myself 'be normal about them' and i Fail Miserably | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yeonzzzn · 1 month

Note

Jake (your roommate) who has oral fixation who can't help but want to suck on your nipples and clit anytime and anywhere he wants (in school, in his car, in cafes, in your dorm). And as the helpful roommate, you try to wear clothes that would give him easy access all the time.

-🪻 hiiii i misseddd putting req here 🥹🫶

hi again🪻anon🥰 i’ve missed your reqs🥹🫶🏻 oral fixation jake has me weeeaaaaakkkk😮‍💨 I kinda went off the deep end with this one. I couldn’t help myself. this request is so *chefs kiss* and bless kay for helping me with the title for this 🤭😘💍

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

taste of you: sim jaeyun

pairing: jake x afab!reader word count: 2.9k

For as long as you’ve known your roommate, he’s always had an oral fixation even before he became your roommate too.

You and Jake attended the same college. You would always pass him in the hallways on Mondays and Wednesdays and have Chemistry with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Man always had something in his mouth to chew on.

Gum, the ends of his pens and pencils, the bottle cap to his water bottle, straws from his drinks, the plastic spoons, knives, and forks from lunch, the strings to his hoodie, the plastic on his cup if he didn’t have a straw, and hell, even his fingers if there wasn’t anything else. You could tell just from staring at him across the lecture hall that he had this fixation.

Fate brought the two of you together when you posted an ad on the campus bulletin board about looking for a roommate after your old one moved out. Jake was the first to respond to the ad, and since you already knew him, you disregarded the other applications. Jake was moved in within a week.

His oral fixation was a lot worse than you thought and was tame while on campus. Jake had the same normal habits on the things he chewed but added a few things: his shirt while sitting on the couch watching TV or playing on the PlayStation. The cord to his headset when he played on his PC in his bedroom. The cord to his phone while it charged and he was scrolling through social media. Your fingers, lips, tongue, nipples, and clit.

Crazy, right? It didn’t start that way, his mouth on your body parts. It wasn’t a thought in either of your minds until you came home one afternoon after work and took a shower, not bothering to put a bra on afterward, letting the girls have some time to breathe. So you walked around in your shorts and oversized tee shirt. Jake returned home a couple of hours later from soccer practice, wanting nothing more than a nice shower and a good meal. So you told him to shower and that you’d cook for him. Jake couldn’t hide the smile had, being so happy and lucky you were his roommate.

Jake didn’t even notice you weren’t wearing a bra until you stood from where you sat on the couch, your nipples poking through your white shirt. The hoodie string Jake had in his mouth fell out as his eyes were glued to your chest, watching how grazed your shirt as you walked around the couch and towards the kitchen. Jake quickly jumped up and rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it. Splashing his face with the water of his shower, trying to push the thoughts of your perfect nipples being in his mouth. The way he would bite, lick, and suck on them.

Jake had to lean his body against the cool of the tile wall to get his body temperature down but failed miserably as his thoughts continued to run in his brain. Thinking about the ways your cunt would ride his cock as his mouth worked on your tits. Before Jake knew it his hand was wrapped around his hard cock, biting his lips to keep from moaning as he pumped himself til his cum was dripping down his hand. Jake prayed and prayed that once he was out of the shower you could have put on a bra. Because it’s an asshole move to think about your roommate like that, right? It crosses your boundaries and that’s the last thing Jake wanted to do.

But to his dismay, you still stood in the kitchen…braless. Once you noticed he was out of the shower, you called him over, “Jae, I made pasta for dinner and this cake for dessert. Come try the icing and tell me what you think?”

Jake swallowed, knees weak as he slowly walked over to you. Your long hair was now pulled into a loose ponytail and oh man was it driving Jake up a wall. His eyes wandered everywhere, to your nipples, your earlobes, and the cute spot between your shoulder and neck. His mouth watered as he looked back and forth, wanting to pin you to the kitchen counter and place his mouth all over those parts. His dick was hardening and he was doing everything to try and keep you from noticing.

You got a spoon from the drawer and scooped up some of the icing and held it to his mouth, “Say ahh!” you said cutely, taking notice of the small pink tint on his cheeks as he slowly opened his mouth taking the spoon in.

Jake’s eyes widened as you pulled the spoon away, “Goddamn, YN, this is fantastic!” Jake loved your cooking and baking. It made him even more excited to eat the pasta and have a dessert to look forward to.

You noticed some of the icing was on the edge of his lips, you giggled softly and reached up, “You’re so messy,” you teased him, taking your index finger and sliding it across the edge of his lip.

The moment you touched him it was over. The feeling of your finger on his lips even if it was just the slightest touch sent him into a frenzy, his mouth was opening, head tilting to the side to wrap his lips around your finger, his tongue licking up the icing you wiped away and then sucking on it. His eyes closed tightly as he softly grazed your finger with his teeth. Jake didn’t know what came over him, but the moment he realized what he was doing his eyes shot back open and connected to yours.

You weren’t surprised and showed no sign that it bothered you that he was currently sucking on your finger. Instead, you gave him a small smile, inching your middle finger to his lips. Jake was the surprised one but opened his mouth anyway, letting you slip your middle in with your index.

You always teased Jake about his oral fixation, always giving him some type of hell for chewing up specific things. Like the amount of phone chargers you’ve had to rebuy him, and the amount of headsets Jake had to get replaced from chewing on the cords. The amount of gum packets that lay around the apartment just for him. You found it cute to tease him. And you never knew you wanted your fingers in his mouth until right now. Which is why it didn’t bother you. Honestly, your fingers were better than the cords and other plastic things that would eventually ruin his pretty teeth anyway.

You’d be lying if it didn’t turn you on. Jake was hoping for it, truly. Keeping eye contact with you as he wraps his tongue around your fingers, sucking on them and biting them softly. If you continued to let him chew on your fingers, he was going to lose all control.

“I know you want to do more than just suck on my fingers,” you whispered to him. You already knew he was hard as a rock and your panties were soaking, “Why don’t you take what you actually want?”

Jake didn’t hesitate to pull your fingers from his mouth, his lips attaching to yours and sucking on your bottom lip as his hands slid to your thighs, picked you up, and set you down on the countertop, biting hard on your lip, “Give me your tongue,” he hisses between his grip on your lip and only let go once he saw the muscle slide out of your mouth and taking it in his. Jake was in pure bliss getting his oral fixation off on something other than random small items. His cock twitched hard at it too. It was everything he could have wanted.

As he continued to suck and bite your tongue, his hands slipped under your shirt and slid up, his hands stopping at your tits to rub at your nipples, making them perk up more. You knew Jake was preparing them for his mouth, his skin sending a chill down your spine and goosebumps on your skin, hardening your nipples even more, “fffuuuccckkkk,” he hisses after releasing your tongue from his mouth, dipping down in the same movement of lifting your shirt over your breasts and attaching his mouth to your right nipple as his left hand continued to pinch at your other nipple.

You moaned his name and gripped his shoulders as his tongue flicked your nipple, as his teeth bit down on the sensitive nub and lips wrapped around it to suck. He moved back and forth between the two, not leaving one out. You already knew your cunt was soaking the countertop and you think Jake knew too. Mostly by the way his hands moved to cup your ass and slide underneath you. He let out a groan against your nipple before removing his mouth and scooped you up, quickly turning in the other direction and laying you down on top of the kitchen table. He kissed you again, sucking your bottom lip back into his mouth in the same motion of his fingers looping between your shorts and panties to pull them down.

Jake sank to his knees as your shorts and panties hit the floor, him spreading your legs wide to give him better access to your cunt. His mouth watered at the sight of your sopping pussy, your slit dripping out your hole and onto the table. Fuck it was making him dizzy.

“Fuck you’re so sexy,” he breathes, sticking his tongue out to lick up your hole to your clit, stopping there to take the bud between his teeth and lips. Jake sucked, licked, and bit your clit until you came into his mouth. He didn’t even stop there, no no. He wanted you. Wanted his shower fantasy to come true. So he pulls you from the table and onto the floor with him, quickly removing his sweatpants and boxers and moving you into his lap.

You rode him as his mouth worked on your nipples again, moving between them both and stopping every few minutes to kiss you and suck on your lips. You even shoved your fingers into his mouth a few times as you fucked him. This kept going until you came again and he was cumming deep into your pussy.

It was safe to say you both would have a major mess to clean up in the kitchen. And even have to reheat the pasta.

This was only the start of Jake using you to get his oral fixation in. You gave him full permission to use you as he pleases to get his fix. Jake would be stupid to turn it down.

It benefited both of you, truly. You both had the benefits of this new agreement. He would get his oral fixation and other sexual needs met, you’d also get your sexual needs met on top of saving money from having to replace the items he’d normally chew on.

The only terms were he could only have your fingers and lips in public, but could have everything else in the safe space of your shared apartment, or either of your cars, or if no one else was around.

Again, Jake would be an idiot to turn it down.

He forced you to move to the back of the classroom room with him so he could suck on your fingers during lectures without anyone noticing and anytime he wanted.

You’d sit in his car with him during lunch or before his soccer practice so he could make out with you and get his mouth on your tits.

Then at the apartment? He’d spread your legs.

One of Jake’s requirements was you having to wear specific clothing for him to have easy access to while at the apartment. Loose tee shirts with no bra. Any type of shorts or sweatpants or skirts with no panties underneath.

It truly was a dream come true for Jake. The best roommate he could ask for. This whole dynamic worked for the two of you. Both parties were getting pleasure and their needs met while maintaining a good friendship with each other. It was perfect. So completely perfect.

Your favorite thing was when Jake would return home from his other classes or work and immediately sink down to his knees in front of you saying, “I need your cunt in my mouth right now,” or lifting your shirt off your body instantly and saying, “I need your tits against my tongue.” Or your personal favorite thing he’d say is, “I need you on my cock as I suck on those pretty tits of yours.”

Again, so so so perfect. Yet…

…when it came to matters of your heart, you started to love him. You had your suspicions on whether you were actually gaining feelings or if it was just the sex and the way he’d work his mouth on your body that was making you confused. But your feelings became apparent and so clear to you when one day you lay on the couch, scrolling through TikTok to watch the latest trends when Jake stumbled into the living room. He had a hard time at practice that Saturday morning, beating himself up over not making the winning score during the practice match against another team. Jake slid himself under your arms and just laid his head against your chest and got himself comfy on top of you, making no moves to undress you to get his fix. “I just needed to be close to you right now,” was all he said as he snuggled his face into your breasts and slid his arms underneath you, squeezing you tightly to him. He wasn’t horny or anything, just genuinely wanted to be with you. It took everything to keep your heart from fluttering. From it completely busting out of your chest as he slowly fell asleep on top of you. You were done for. You loved him.

And oh god did Jake fall so hard in love with you too. How could he not? You accepted his oral fixation and even let him get his fix by using your body. Yeah at first it was strictly to get his fix in, the sex just being a bonus, but the more time that passed, the more he fell. He would get so drunk of your scent as he worked his mouth and cock on and in your body. You became his every waking thought and not just in ways to get his oral fixation needs met. He wanted to spend time with you. Take you on dates. Show you off to his friends. Yeah, having a roommate who gave into his oral fixation was such a hard flex. But to call you his girlfriend who also gives into his oral fixation, was an even bigger hard flex. Jake knew he loved you when all he wanted was to be in your arms after his terrible practice that morning.

It took a week later for him to confess.

His cock was buried so deep in your cunt, his mouth biting and sucking on your ear lobe as you screamed out his name loud enough for the neighbors to hear. It was as good of a time as any, Jake thought, what better way to confess his love for you while being balls deep inside you?

“Be mine,” he moans into your ear, detaching his mouth from your lobe and lifting you up from the couch in a swift motion, rolling the two of you into a sitting position with you in his lap. Jake bites at your skin between your neck and shoulders, his hands shoving you down onto him to press his cock even further into your cunt, “be mine, please,” he says between each suck, kiss, and bite at your skin.

You couldn’t believe you heard the words escape his mouth, not knowing if you heard him clearly or not, “What?”

Jake released your skin with a pop, his hands moving to your tits, squeezing them together and giving them a lift up, licking your nipples then biting them softly, “I am in love with you, I can’t stand not actually getting to call you mine,” he sucks one nipple into his mouth, bucking his hips up into you, being so lost in the taste of you, “Be mine. Be my girlfriend.”

Your fingers tangled into his hair as you bounced on his cock, throwing your head back, “Yes,” you moan, “Yes, Jae, yes. I love you too. I’m in love with you too.”

Jake quickly switches the positions again, pressing your body against the coffee table by the couch, fucking into you with everything he had. He kissed you with so much love and want and need. Being so happy he could finally call you his. You finally being more than just his roommate/fuck buddy that gave into his oral fixation.

He bites down on your bottom lip and pulls it as he comes undone, his hips snapping to a stop to press his cock against your cervix hard, his cum filling you whole.

Jake releases your lip and smiles down at you, his eyes wandering to every part of your body he had his mouth on, loving the way his teeth marks look on you. On his girlfriend. Thank god you ended up being such a good roommate.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

— perm taglist: @alvojake @ikeuverse @woniebae @shawnyle @kangnina @jwnghyuns @in-somnias-world @zyvlxqht @aaa-sia @wonniethepoo @addictedtohobi @eneiyri @sparklovespink @skzenhalove @fakeuwus @cherry-park @vousty @ladyartemesia @psh9 @cmoundiamante @enhaverse713586 @wondipity

#yeonzzzn asks #— 🪻anon #jake bby #sim jake #sim jaeyun #sim jake smut #jake x reader #reader x jake #enhypen #enhypen x reader #reader x enhypen #enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen hard hours #enhypen smut #enhypen fanfic #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #yeonzzzn writing

2K notes · View notes

oracleact · 11 months

Text

« nothing on me »

bayverse raph x reader / fluff + angst

notes: 1.8k words, first person pov, established relationship, gender neutral reader (no pronouns used,) details of injuries and tending to said injuries.

a knock on the window at 3am? that only means one thing: the turtles are here. smiling, I rub the remnants of sleep from my eyes and hop out of bed to open up the curtain. only one turtle faces me at the window though - raphael.

I open the window and help his wide frame step down from the ledge, but my previous smile fades fast when raph groans in pain as he steps onto the floor.

“raph, what’s wrong? where are the rest of the boys? what happened?” I speak as fast as possible to try and get to his answer, worry eating away at me with each second that passes.

my raph is the mass strength and rough hand amongst the turtles. he can handle a lot of damage since he always manages to deal out more than what is done onto him. seeing him bent over, actually using my arm for support and not simply holding me because he wants to, groaning in genuine pain rather than letting out his usual gruff noises of acknowledgment - that scares me. it terrifies me when I don’t know what has happened.

“I told them to check on dad,” he begins breathlessly, “I needed you. it’s really bad this time.”

my eyes widen and I hurry him to the side of my bed, the mattress creaking under his weight. I grasp his face in my hands to check him over, turning his head every which way, but see nothing apart from a few new scratches on his skin.

“what do you mean ‘really bad,’ raph? you’re scaring me.”

“my—“ he lifts his arm and tries to reach for the back of his shell, failing miserably and almost howling out in pain, “my shell, sweetheart. I haven’t seen it yet but I heard it crack and this pain is too much for it to just be taped up.”

I scuttle around his large form and am immediately hit with the sight of a deep crack in the middle of his shell. he was right to come straight to me with this one. he should always come to me with injuries but is too stubborn most of the time and rides out the pain: ‘it may look bad to you but it’s nothing on me.’

when the boys started to properly use their skills outside of the lair, with the risk of larger injuries increasing, I began to research and teach myself how to handle ones specific to these mutants. thanks to many in depth articles about turtle care, I have safely cleaned and covered up small cracks before. the only difference between the boys and ‘normal’ turtles in regards to care like this is their size - it takes longer and requires more focus to clean cracks, ensuring that they can heal appropriately over time. although tonight’s damage will take double that, and maybe more.

“oh raph, oh my…how? wait, don’t answer that. I’m doing my first aid stuff then we can talk about it, okay?” he nods with a sad smile and all I can do is reach out and cup his cheek, returning the expression he gave me. he moves my hand to his lips for a quick kiss before I start scurrying off to grab what I need.

let’s see - chlorohexidine solution, q-tips, cotton pads, adhesive patches and a towel. is that all I need? I have no idea right now; I’m so scared to touch him that I feel like stalling for as long as I can.

I walk slowly back to where he sits on the edge of my bed, his head resting in one hand as the other rubs at his tired eyes. I lay down all that I grabbed from the bathroom before taking a deep breath and sitting down behind him. the room is silent for a couple of minutes after that, my heart beating loudly in my ears. I can’t break my anxious stare away from the crack in his beautiful carapace.

“hey…” raph speaks ever so softly to get my attention.

“yeah— sorry. I’m sorry,” I feel tears begin to form in my eyes. I hate seeing him hurt like this. “I’m going to fix you up. I promise I’ll fix this. I’ll touch around your shell, away from the crack, and you tell me how it feels. let me know how much the pain has spread.”

he gestures ‘yes’ to me but with a frowned brow, “don’t cry, love. everything is okay. I’m raphael, remember? this is nothing on me!”

but I can see it - I can see the pain written on his face, the way his eyes look misty. I don’t want to push him to talk nor do I want to directly acknowledge the pain I can see; I don’t want to break his protective wall at a time like this. it wouldn’t be fair to do so. I wipe my tears and get straight to work instead.

my small hand reaches out for him, gently patting around the edges of his shell then smoothing over the surface, “that’s not bad at all. it just feels tingly, like the nice kind of tingly you give me.” I giggle at him. it’s a relief that the shell hasn’t shattered or anything and he can feel my hand like always.

I’ve spent so many nights tracing over the faint patterns of his plastron and committing the texture to memory. it helps calm him after a stressful training day or when he can’t sleep. it secretly calms me too because it’s just us in those moments, the rest of the world fading away and leaving only raph and I. there’s no need to jump away from my hold to save new york when my touch melts away the city completely. nothing can break us out of that warm paradise as long as we are together.

despite the touch test going well, the cleaning of his wounds will definitely be painful since the crack is open and noticeable. I pour some of the solution onto a q-tip and tell raph to start breathing slowly and deeply. I help him set a pace for it before I begin to clean.

he hisses in pain when the piece of cotton comes in contact with the wound and my tears start to flow again, “I know baby, but this part is important,” I sniffle and reach my free hand for his, “use me to balance yourself.”

“I’ll break your little hand,” there is a fracture in his voice as he speaks but he still manages to let out a chuckle with his words.

“breathe and squeeze, raph, don’t worry about me.”

and so he did - each time I dipped the cotton into the crack he inhaled and exhaled quickly whilst grasping my hand in his. I rubbed my thumb over his rough skin in an attempt to ground us both over and over again.

“one last clean and then I’ll patch it up and be done for tonight.” he lets out a loud sigh at that, obviously glad that the stinging will be over soon. I hear him lowly whimper but force a cough after in an attempt to hide the noise. once again I don’t press him on it, I just kiss the back of his hand to let him know it’s alright.

the last step is to cut adhesive patches to fit the crack, making sure to leave small gaps at the ends to allow air to flow through. this process isn’t all that different from putting a bandaid on a human arm, and thank goodness for that. I want to do everything I can to help raph, to ease his pain, so this being a somewhat ‘easy’ task to complete means luck is on my side right now.

with the last piece secure I get up from the bed to face him again, giving him a small smile to let him know it’s done. I slip myself between his legs and reach out to untie his bandana. his eyes close as he presses his head onto my chest to give me access to the tie at the back.

sliding the cloth from his face, I set it on the bed and wipe underneath his eyes; he looks so worn out. my fingers move down to draw along the scars from previous battles and to check over any new cuts, the pad of my thumb eventually landing on the most prominent scar across his upper lip. my raph, my hero, our hero…with the scars to prove it all.

“give it a week and see how the shell starts to heal. if we need to do more then I’m ready for that. I’ve done my research, you’re looking at a certified mutant turtle nurse,” I wink at him as he laughs and nuzzles further into my hold.

he looks up at me with those gorgeous eyes, the light of the moon catching in them. he may be hurt but he’s here with me and healing in my arms, and I’ll hold this man forever to show him how much he means to me. he’s looking at me in the same way - in awe of what’s in front of him - both of us dumbly grinning at each other. although, he does break eye contact when a yawn suddenly comes bursting out.

“do you want to talk about what happened, or do you want to catch some z’s first?”

“hmm…as much as I want to tell you about how much of a badass I am, I really want to crash.”

he moves to lay on his back before I catch his shoulders with high pitched squeak, “shell!” I whisper-yell at him. his lips form an ‘o’ and I shake my head. only raph could forget about his injuries that quickly.

I slip into the bed first and hold out my arms, beckoning him to follow and to lay on his stomach. he does so almost instantly, getting comfy against me and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“thank you for everything. I trust you with my life, you know.”

“and I trust you with mine, big red.”

I’m seemingly stuck staring down at him, just in stupid awe once more. watching how his eyes are effortlessly closed, evident that he is exhausted, with a faint smile playing on his lips as he shifts around to find the best snoozing position. his shell is now what catches the attention of the moon and I feel satisfied with my work on the crack. I’m still worried but the patch looks good and secure from afar so I’ll take it for it now.

I’m so happy that this brave and unstoppable mutant turtle trusts me with his open wounds, with his physical and emotional scars, with his love and being. this life of ours is crazy in so many ways but I wouldn’t ask for anything to change. well, less wounds here and there would be nice but that might be asking for too much.

#my first turtles story! I don’t normally write fics I have so many ideas that just play out in my head but I’m glad I wrote this one down #I think I’ve only ever posted one other fic on this account before (a beel one) so hopefully I’ll write some more in the future #well if people like them then I’ll post more hhh I have no idea how to gauge the quality of my own writing at all #oracleact chats #tmnt #bayverse tmnt #bayverse raph #bayverse raphael #bayverse raph x reader #bayverse raph imagine #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt x reader #tmnt imagine #I don’t actually know how to tag this…will this do? :<#blossom 💌 raph

631 notes · View notes

clangenrising · 3 months

Text

Month 11 - Leafbare

Aldertail’s legs were more raw than they had been in a long time. She knew she shouldn’t lick them, she knew it wasn’t right, but every time she thought about the news - that another house cat was dead - she fell into a panic and the only thing that seemed to help was going over her pelt a few more times. Now not only her front legs but her hind legs and her back had patches of missing fur that grew dry and raw in the arid air of Leafbare.

“Oh, you poor thing,” Oddstripe fretted as he examined her new sores. “We’ll have you feeling better soon enough.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, holding very still, “I just can’t stop myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You’re sick,” grumbled Sagetooth. “It’s not a failing to cough when you’re ill. That’s all this is.” She snapped a root in half and began to chew it into a poultice. Aldertail recognized the smell as burdock, one of the several treatments she’d been given for her sores before.

“I don’t feel sick,” she said dumbly.

“Remember, sweetheart,” Oddstripe said gently and Aldertail blushed, “ it’s not a sickness you feel, it’s a sickness in your mind.”

“Right…” she frowned. Maybe that was the reason she’d been marked as Chaff. The Folk could tell that her mind was broken. What use was a cat with a broken mind? Sagetooth spat the burdock mixture out with a grimace and pushed the leaf it was on over to Oddstripe, then fixed Aldertail with a scowl that made her want to squirm.

“Look at me,” she said. Aldertail sat up straighter and nodded. Sagetooth continued, “I’ll have no more moping about this, you understand? It’s not your fault you’re sick. You’re not bad for being ill. In fact, if you’re sick for the rest of your life, that would be fine. Do you understand?”

Aldertail nodded instinctively. “I-I think so?”

Sagetooth gave a dissatisfied “Hmph!” and continued to stare her down.

“Oh, I think your tone is maybe confusing her, Sagetooth,” Oddstripe said, taking Aldertail’s leg in one paw so he could spread poultice up her leg. Once he had his bearings, he looked up to meet her gaze with a soft smile. “You’re not in trouble. What Sagetooth is trying to say is this is normal and it’s okay if you’re sick because that doesn’t change how much we care about you.” Sagetooth grumbled but didn’t contradict him, instead wandering off into the back of the den. Aldertail glanced in her direction, then back to Oddstripe, then down at the ground. She didn’t know why such a kindly stare made her feel so miserable.

Oddstripe sighed slightly but continued to apply the poultice. “Have you been extra worried lately?” he asked.

“Of course,” she said, glancing back up. “Aren’t you?”

Oddstripe’s lips flattened into a thin line for a moment and he glanced over his shoulder in Sagetooth’s direction. “I am worried about my boys, I’ll admit. But I have a feeling that’s not why you’re worried.”

“I just…” Aldertail shifted uncomfortably, wishing she could groom her legs. “We’re all going to die. Me especially.”

“I don’t know about that,” Oddstripe said.

“Your warriors killed one of the Exalted!” Aldertail hissed fearfully. “They killed my brother for doing the same thing. And his mate. And my sister. And they wanted to kill me. Razor won’t stop until all of us are punished!” Oddstripe shifted uncomfortably, looking solemn.

He sighed, switched to her other leg, and said, “That is a frightening thought, but I have faith in Goldenstar to keep us safe. StarClan will look out for us.”

“StarClan…” Aldertail repeated. “Remind me which one that is?” She tried to picture the cats who had rallied in their camp the week before.

“StarClan are the spirits of the dead,” Oddstripe smiled down at his work. “They know things we can’t and they guide us from the stars.”

“So, magic?” asked Aldertail.

“Yes,” Oddstripe nodded with a little laugh. “This time it really is magic.”

Aldertail considered that. As powerful as the Folk were, they didn’t share their power with cats, at least not outside of social power. If the Clans had magic on their side, maybe there was a chance they could defeat Razor.

“Can they help us fight?” she asked.

“They rarely help in such a physical way,” Sagetooth said, stomping back over to them with a bundle of thyme leaves in her jaws. “Instead, they give us guidance and help us make the choices that lead to victory. For instance, they told us to attack on the night of the snow storm and in doing so we drove the rogues out and they haven’t returned since.”

“That doesn’t mean they’re not coming back,” Aldertail whined. “Has StarClan said anything else? Have they told you what to do?” The idea felt like something sturdy to hold onto, the idea that magic ghosts could give them all of the answers. If they just did what StarClan said, maybe everything would be alright.

“Not yet,” Sagetooth said. “But they will, in time.” She started separating the bundle of thyme into two piles.

“Can we ask them?” Aldertail said as Oddstripe moved on to her back. “There’s a way to talk to them, isn’t there?”

“There is,” Sagetooth said, “but we can’t just demand they give us all the answers. Part of the test is making choices for ourselves.”

“The test?” Aldertail squeaked. She hadn’t known she was being tested!

“The test of life,” Sagetooth clarified. “What would be the point of living if someone just gave us all the answers?”

“I-I don’t know,” Aldertail shrugged. “Finding peace?”

“Finding peace wouldn’t be meaningful without chaos,” Sagetooth shook her head. “Joy wouldn’t exist without pain. StarClan gives us trials and misfortunes so we can learn from them and fully appreciate the blessings in our lives.”

“Okay, sorry,” Aldertail mumbled, realizing she had been speaking out of turn.

“It’s fine,” Sagetooth sighed. “You’re learning. Now here, chew these for as long as you can before swallowing.” She pushed a bundle of thyme towards Aldertail who took a deep breath of the aromatic scent. It seemed to grab her and pull her thoughts into focus for a moment. Obediently, she leaned down, took the leaves into her mouth, and focused on chewing them as finely as she could. As she did, she started to feel her breath coming easier and her mind clearing.

“Thank you,” she mumbled around her mouthful.

“Happy to help, dear,” Sagetooth said, offering a rare smile. Aldertail closed her eyes and focused on the herbs, on their smell and the texture of the leaves as it changed between her teeth. By the time Oddstripe was nearly finished with her hind legs, she swallowed and took a deep breath, the smell of thyme still thick on her tongue.

“Good girl,” Sagetooth nodded. “Now, the burdock root should start numbing your sores soon enough. Be careful not to lick it off or your tongue might go numb too. Besides, you’ll get a stomach ache if you ingest too much of it.”

Aldertail paled a little. “I’ll try,” she said weakly. That was going to be tricky.

“Oh,” Oddstripe frowned. “We can put cobwebs over them if necessary.”

“No,” Sagetooth said firmly. “That’s a waste of supplies and who knows, a numb tongue might get her to finally kick the habit.” Oddstripe met Aldertail’s eyes sympathetically. Aldertail nodded, offering a smile as best she could. It was like a punishment. If she messed up and licked her legs, she’d get a nasty surprise and, hopefully, that would teach her a lesson. That felt right.

“You’re good to go,” Sagetooth said, bundling up the rest of the thyme. “Keep your tongue away from your legs, you hear?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Aldertail nodded.

“You can get someone to help you groom your pelt if that helps,” continued Sagetooth.

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Oddstripe said. “Let me know if you ever need help with that, okay?”

“Alright,” Aldertail nodded again and stood to leave. As she did, her tail brushed up against something feather light and startled her. She turned around, fur bristling, to find a dead moth.

“Oh, sorry about that,” Oddstripe said, “Barleypaw brought me that this morning. I’m not sure what to do with it, to be honest.”

“You can’t just leave it around,” Sagetooth huffed. “Just get rid of it. She’ll never know.”

“It’s so pretty though,” Aldertail said, tilting her head to admire the little trinket.

“Here!” Oddstripe said, reaching towards the moth. Very carefully, he pulled the wings from the moth and then reached up to tuck them behind one of Aldertail’s ears. She blushed again, holding very still as he did, then tried to look at them without turning her head which proved impossible.

“I saw Blazingbrush wearing cicada wings like that,” he said. “She’s one of the other healers.” Sagetooth huffed under her breath as she headed back to return the thyme to the stores.

“Do they look alright?” Aldertail asked, still unable to look at them.

“Oh, they look beautiful on you,” he said. Aldertail bit her lip and swallowed.

“Um, thank you,” she whispered shyly.

“Don’t mention it,” purred Oddstripe, seemingly unaware of how he was affecting her. “Let me know if you need me to help you groom your pelt okay?” She nodded mutely and he turned and went back into the den with a little smile.

Aldertail headed out into the snow. He had called her beautiful. No one had ever called her beautiful before, at least not genuinely like that. She decided she needed to find a reflection and see for herself. As she headed out of camp, Branchbark and Ospreymask passed with mouths full of fish and smiled in her direction.

“Aldertail!” Ospreymask squealed, dropping her catch. “I love the moth wings!”

“Really?” she asked, blushing again.

“Yes! Oh my stars, you look amazing sweetie!”

Branchbark chuckled and gave a nod of agreement, then pushed the fish Ospreymask had dropped in her direction. She rolled her eyes and picked them up again, the two passing to head towards the fresh-kill pile.

Aldertail bounded out of camp, feeling all bubbly inside. Was she pretty? She had always assumed that people were lying when they’d complimented her. She knew how she looked, she knew she was ugly and broken and stupid. Or… she had known. Now she wasn’t sure. She quickly made her way over to the closest stream to investigate. As she approached, she held her breath, wanting to believe what they had said was true.

Her face swam into view in the chilly stream. She let out her breath, disappointed. She was still herself. She still had the same dull brown fur and ugly, scabby legs, the same unflattering wrinkle permanently affixed between her eyebrows.

The moth wings looked nice though… She tilted her head back and forth, admiring them from different angles. She wasn’t as thin, she realized. Her cheeks had filled out, her pelt hung more neatly on her bones. She was sleeker, even, with a shine to her fur that only Exalted cats seemed to maintain in the city. Maybe, she reasoned, she wasn’t pretty yet, but she wasn’t ugly anymore.

She smiled, touched by the thought, and decided to go looking for herbs like Oddstripe had taught her. She needed to thank him for his lovely gift.

UPDATES:

- Aldertail starts wearing moth wings behind her ear.

#clan gen #clangen #warrior cats #warrior cats oc #warriors #warriors oc #clangen oc #clan gen oc #Aldertail #Oddstripe #Sagetooth #Leafbare #clangenrising

123 notes · View notes

marauders-peace · 10 months

Text

Burning moon 1.

Summary: The reader is devastated at Remus nothing saying answer and thinks of it like an rejection. To overcome this they try to forget their love for him but is failing miserably. But Remus doesn't react to their coldness like they expected...

Warnings: self hatred, unrequited love?, angst, Sirius( jk I love him), over thinking, bad communication

~If you see this and haven't read Part 1 I advise you to read it before reading this so you understand what is happening. This part is simply a sequel to part 1 and isn't bound to the song like the first part

masterlist part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6

I was glad the year was almost over after... I confessed. I could go on with my life and go out of his way. Lily was trying to make me go out with the others, but I had plenty of reasons I could tell her why I couldn't go.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah Lily, my stomach hurts pretty bad and I don't think I should go. "

Of course after one week of excuses she would grew suspicioun, but the year was over.

I could go home. I would have some time alone.

It was like I had some luck in my misery.

I really tried to ignore my feelings. I really did, but it was like a really persistent bug that wouldn't fly away. Whenever I heard Remus' name my heart would beat faster. My cheeks went red, and my thoughts circled around him constantly.

It was disgusting. I was disgusting.

I didn't look at him. I didn't sit next to him at lunch like I always did. I didn't acknowledge his existence.

And still. He was still everywhere I went.

At the last day of school we were going to the train station like always. Of course with Remus. Their whole friend group said bye to each other including myself and Remus. It was awkward, really.

I had always hugged everybody and cried when I had to say goodbye.

Not this year.

The most I could do was to say goodbye to everyone.

"Is our little princess not sad she has to leave us behind, this year??" Sirius said with a grin, but he had this look in his face I couldn't read.

"What can I say? You are pretty annoying Sirius and I have to return to my kingdom!" I joked and tried to smile and laugh.

It was the fakest laugh I ever heard.

"Don't forget to write! It always gets so boring without you." Alice said. She was a really good friend and even tho she wasn't good friends with the marauders, she still came to them from time to time.

"Of course Alice! I can't ever forget to write you." I exclaimed and smiled at her. The train was about to start. I always sit with Lily and Mary in one cabin so we always said goodbye to each other before the train started.

Then Remus looked at me. His eyes seemed to bore through my soul and I felt like he saw everything that was going on inside of me.

And I hated him for that.

I hated his pretty eyes and how they made me flush. I hated that I couldn't think straight in his presence after everything I did to overcome him.

I hated that he still had control over me.

"I hope you have a great Sommer. Don't overwork yourself, alright? You can always write me too, if you want to talk." he said. He smiled at me and seemed so sincere.

And I just said :" Yeah, bye." and got on board of the train.

I know that was unfair. He was so nice to me and I just ignored his presence. I didn't even look him in the eyes when I said that.

But I was hurt. No scratch that.

But I was angry. Angry at him that he pretended everything was normal. But more importantly I was angry at myself. At my weakness for him. At my constant thoughts about him. At my love for him.

Lily and Mary followed me after they said goodbye themselves. I sat down inside of an empty Cain and waited for them.

I felt tears in my eyes. It was burning. But I swallowed them before the others came in. I just looked out of the windows while they put down their things.

There was a tense silence.

Mary broke the silence first.

"What was that?" she said.

I didn't look away from the window. I just replied :"What was what?". Even though I knew what she was talking about.

"Come on you know. That between you and Remus!"

"I don't know what you are talking about."

Now Lily stepped in. "We are not dumb, Y/n. We know you are ignoring him. And that out on the train station? That was just cold." she said.

I remained quiet.

"Look whatever you are mad at, talk to Remus about it! He is really worried about you." Mary exclaimed.

They didn't know. Anger boiled up inside of me. It seemed like they made Remus the victim of this situation. They didn't know. They knew nothing about my pain in the last months.

The months I hoped he would answer me. The months I hoped for his love.

I wanted to Scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell them. NOW.

I smiled at them instead.

"It is really nothing. I just didn't want to miss the train."

Lily raised her eyebrow. " Yeah sure."

The tense silence was back and filled the room.

This time Lily broke it.

"Why... Why aren't you talking to us? Are you mad at us too?"

That caught me off guard. Was I mad at them? I realized that I was. Yeah, I was furious, because they didn't know anything. That they didn't look for me when we were at hogsmead. And I know that's stupid, life doesn't revolve around me, but we were friends.

Friends cared and looked after each other.

Like Remus did,because I am his friend nothing more.

The tears came back and I began to tremble. What was wrong with me?

" What is wrong? You know you can tell us." Mary said and her kind and gentle voice brought me back to reality.

She was right. I could tell them.

But should I?

They were also friends with Remus. I know we were good friends, but in the end they maybe would tell him why I was ignoring him. And I didn't want him to know.

I felt ashamed of myself. Of my weakness.

But in this brief moment I didn't listen to my thoughts. I just said :"I am angry at you, because you didn't look after me. In hogsmead."

When i saw Lily's wide eyes I immediately regretted what I said. I didn't want to guilt trip them. I was stupid, stupid, stup-

"I'm sorry."

What?

"Remus told us you weren't feeling well and that you went to the toilet. He told us he will stay behind and look after you."

Stop talking about him! Stop saying nice stuff about him!

"I didn't know you were having a tough time... But I should have at least asked after you. I'm deeply sorry." Lily said.

In this moment I couldn't stop the tears. I cried like someone died. And maybe someone did. I didn't even recognize myself.

They stopped asking questions about remus. I wasn't in the right state to tell them, but I would tell them eventually.

When the train arrived, I took my things and ran off the train. I could not see him again today. Not after this conversation. I ran away into the holidays. Away from my problems just somewhere else.

And the sun didn't see the burning look in the moons eyes as he saw his sun ran away.

Taglist:

@juleshadalittlelamb @fluffybunnyu

#marauders #marauders era #remus lupin #remus lupin angst #remus lupin x you #remus lupin x reader #dead gay wizards

167 notes · View notes

warnerisbetter · 1 year

Text

Evening with the crows

Kaz x reader

There was a fire crackling in the corner, everyone had a warm drink in hand and Nina had some biscuits in front of her but something was missing. Kaz hadn't joined you this evening, he was the only who wasn't sat with you. You had worried about him lately he seemed even more distant than normal, you knew you shouldn't be concerned after all he was dirtyhands and nothing phased him. But you couldn't help it. 'Y/n are you listening?' Jesper asked waving a hand infront of your face.

'What- sorry.' You snapped out of your trance 'just one minute I'm going to go check on kaz.'

As you made your way out if the room you heard a mix of 'he'll be fine, he's always fine.' And 'he doesn't deserve you y/n.'

You got to his door and knocked gently and waited until you heard his voice inviting you in.

'Y/n.' He acknowledged you.

'Kaz.' You mimicked.

'What Is it you want?'

'You should come and sit with us or atleast get something to eat, you havent left this office all day. Its not healthy.' You said.

'Y/n as much as I aprietiate your concern I can decide for myself what is and isn't healthy.' He didn't say anything after that clearly expecting you to leave but ofcourse you didn't. 'Are you going to stay and stare at me or go back to the others?' He questioned.

'I'm not going unless your coming with me.'You responded.

'I hate the fact that I know your not bluffing.' He sighed before getting up for what was probaly the first time today. 'Come on then but I'm not staying for long.'

'That's fine as long as you get out of this bloody office.' You walked in silence to the kitchen where all kaz got was water but it was better than nothing. Then you went through to where the other crows were who all tried to ignore kaz's presence but failed miserably. He sat next to you silently while the conversation paused momentarily then continued, well more like Nina continued, she was ranting about some of the best breakfast places nearby, ranking them by how good their waffles are.

After a while you found your way into the conversation but it got to the point where some of you were laughing uncontrollably and without thinking you lent back into the nearest person. However that turned out to be Kaz who you felt stiffen. You immediately sat up knowing about his touch aversion. While he had been improving touch without warning beforehand was a huge NO. You mumbled an apology and hoped no one noticed, which since they were all vent over laughing they probaly didn't.

You moved a little further away trying to give him space but never turning to look at him. He then did something you would've never expected. EVER. He moved closer to you and put his hand across your back and gently gripped your hip. Loose enough that he could easily let go before panic over takes him.

It was comforting and strange all at once. You didn't look at him still it would probaly overwhelm him.

While everyone else continued talking all you could focus on was the warmth on your back coming from his arm. At one point Nina noticed it and winked at you which made your cheeks burn in a way you knew anyone would be able to tell what was going on just by looking at you.

~~~

After a few hours you all decided to go to bed but kaz's hand had not moved the entire time. You were proud of him it was the most physical contact you had ever had. As everyone else got up so did the two of you. Neither of you said anything but still acknowledges each other, after all eye contact was much easier for kaz than words.

It wasn't perfection but it was progress and that's all that mattered

#books and reading #book boyfriend #headcannons #six of crows #kaz brekker #leigh bardugo #grishaverse #six of crows x reader #kaz x reader #kaz brekker fluff

232 notes · View notes

garden-of-gay · 10 months

Text

You're On Your Own Kid

Summary: A fic inspired by the Taylor Swift song of the same name in which Eddie helps Steve heal from the loneliness left by his parents.

Did I read all the lyrics to the song and proceed to write this entire fic based on the storyline it created in my head maybe? Does it make total sense, probably not, did this fic get away from me? Definitely

Summer Went Away

As the heat of August had winded down and the chill autumn breeze rolled in, the kids had gotten back to school and back to a pretty normal life, as normal as possible for Hawkins. However for Steve, things still haven’t returned to normal. Sure, he had healed from the demobats and had gotten back to slaving away at Family Video with Robin but, the one thing he had not prepared for…….. was the presence of one Eddie Munson.

It had been 7 months since Eddie Munson had come crashing into his life in all his dramatic glory, and uprooted everything Steve thought he knew about himself. It had been a muggy day in July when he decided to broach the subject with the one person he knew he could talk to….Robin

“Hey Robs?” said Steve

“What’s up Dingus?” replied Robin

Steve glanced around the empty store before continuing

“You’ve never liked a guy right”

Robin sighed, “Steve we have been over this, I like women and women only”

“Okay, okay but like… what if you thought you only liked girls but then there was a guy…..?” Steve got more and more nervous as Robin stared at him saying nothing

“You know this is just like a hypothetical, a weird question, you know forget I said anything” he said before panicking and laughing to try to cover it. Robin took that as her cue to finally say something

“Oh dingus” she replied gently

Steve could feel the tears building threatening to spill over but he wouldn’t let them, not here, not ever, “Harrington’s DON'T CRY!'' his fathers voice echoed in his mind and he willed the tears away.

“I think, I like a guy and I don’t know what to do because I thought I liked girls and girls only but then Ed– a guy has been talking to me and I think I might like him. “ he told her

“Well, that's okay, we don’t have to put a label on anything until you feel comfortable but when I was figuring it out myself I read up on bisexuality. It's where you like both that might be you? It might not but…… what I do know is that I love you, you dingus and you’ll figure it out” she told him before crushing him in a hug.

“You good?” She asked

“Yeah…. no, but I will be, thanks Robs” Steve said

Then a customer walked in and they broke apart going back to their job earning a strange look from the customer and a small smile from Robin.

It had been two months since that conversation, summer was whisked away and yet Steve’s yearning was still ever present. Robin gave him some stuff on bisexuality and had comfortably adopted the label as his own.

Robin had also in that time learned through deduction that the person Steve had a burning crush on was none other than Eddie Munson.

She took great joy in teasing Steve for his attempts to be cool and suave around Eddie while he failed miserably she even considered bringing back the You Suck, You Rule board from Scoops.

“I swear Rob’s, the Harrington charm always works but everytime I try to use it, I just turn into a stuttering mess. I think it’s broken” He said

“What’s broken?” Eddie announced

“Steven thinks the Harrington charm is broken, because he can’t keep his cool” Robin replied

“ooOoOo, what lovely lady has caught the attention of Stevie here that is turning him into a mess?” Eddie teased

Stevie. Steve could feel his face heating up. He thought he was used to Eddie’s pet names but everytime he got used to one; Eddie would throw another at him breaking him all over again.

“Come on Stevie, tell me who the lady is???” Eddie asked

“Ughh, no one. Like you care about my love life anyways. What do you need anyways, Munson?” Steve retorted

“I came to bother you guys because it turns out when you are an accused murderer and triple senior not a lot of people want to hire you.” He said

“Well, bother Robin all you want but I’m going to go restock movies” Steve huffed

“Awww Sweetheart, what if I came here for you not Bobbie?” Eddie teased

Steve had to take a deep breath because the thought of Eddie coming to see him specifically may cause him to combust internally.

“Haha, very funny” He replied dryly

“You definitely missed me Harrington” Eddie teased as he turned to Steve with a cheshire grin

True to his word, Steve gathered the recent returns and began to place them back on the shelves. What he should have seen coming was Eddie following him like a shadow; pestering him as he put movies back. Occasionally Eddie would pick up a movie and make a comment about the film and scoffed at how anyone could watch it.

“Come on Harrington, Footloose!?” Eddie asked with a mocking tone

“What, it has good music and fun dancing, what's not to love!” Steve replied

Eddie chuckled

“What, what’s so funny?” huffed Steve

“Nothing, nothing Stevie, don’t worry your pretty little head about it” He said

As Eddies words about his “pretty little head” rolled around in his mind, Steve retorted

“Whatever Munson, it’s not like your movie tastes are any better”

Eddie grabbed his chest as if he had been stabbed

“Oh you wound me Harrington, but at least I have actually taste”

“One of these days you should swing by the trailer and I’ll show you real movies and good taste”

“Fine, I’ll take you up on that Munson, when are you free” Steve asked

“Dude, I’m an unemployed super senior, I’m always free so the better question is when are YOU free?” Eddie joked

“Uhh…I have the opening shift tomorrow and the closing tonight so…Thursday?” Steve supplied

“Thursday is fine, swing by whenever you feel like” replied Eddie

“Okay, cool…I have to drop Dustin off at the Wheelers at 4 o’clock so how about I swing by around 4:30?” he asked

“Sounds good, it's a date” Eddie replied with a smile

“Yeah” Steve replied as his face once again became bright red

“Well, I will leave you to it, have a good shift sweetheart” Eddie said as he walked towards the door turning to blow a kiss to Steve before chuckling and walking out.

Steve had about 10 seconds to process what had just happened before he heard a squeal from where Robin was standing

“Dingus!! Do you have a date!?” She exclaimed

“Uh no, Eddie just wanted to hangout and watch a movie, that's hardly a date, we do that all the time” He replied with a slight sadness in his voice.

“He’s gonna notice you, I guarantee it, there is no way he doesn’t like you” she said

“It’s okay, I’ll just wait; maybe forever if I have to but it’s okay we’re best friends anyways” He replied sadly

“Best Friends!! I thought I was your best friend!!’ Robin teased

“No, you're my separated twin and platonic soulmate, Eddie is my best friend; or maybe Dustin?” Steve joked, before mumbling about how Dustin is a brat and more like a little brother than best friend.

Steve hadn’t seen Eddie since Tuesday and decided that it would be a good idea to call him to confirm that their plans for the next day were still on.

“Munson residence, you kill’em, we grill’em how can I help you?”

“Jesus Eddie! Is that how you always answer the phone” Steve exclaimed

“STEVIE, what’s up man? I thought we were on for Thursday?” Eddie asked

“Yeah, I was just calling to confirm that's all, what are you up to?” Steve said sheepishly

“I’m smoking with the band, what about you?” He replied

“Oh, I’m not doing anything, I didn’t know you had people over, sorry” Steve apologized

“Don’t worry, the boys don’t care” He chuckled causing Steve to relax a little bit

“Okay…cool, well I don’t wanna keep you” He said, despite not wanting to hang up

“What if I do, What if I want to talk to you? Hmm?” Eddie said. He had meant it to be teasing but it had come out too sincere.

Steve could hear it in his voice, the low grit that entered Eddie’s voice when he was high and starting to get properly buzzed. He touched the phone as if it was Eddie’s face and imagined that for just a moment Eddie was reaching back. He hadn’t realized he had fallen silent until Eddie spoke up.

“Hey Stevie, are you still there?”

“Yeah, yeah still here” Steve chuckled

“Good, good” Eddie, replied softly

“I didn’t choose this place and honestly dream of getting out of here” Eddie said suddenly

“Yeah?” asked Steve

“Yeah, I was dumped here after my old man got himself locked up. They placed me with Wayne, and I’ve been here since.”

“I love Wayne, but I still wouldn’t have wanted to be in this town in bumfuck Indiana, you know?”

“Yeah, I do”

Eddie chuckled “You know that there is only one reason, I’m still here in this stupid town? I mean it's not a reason as much as it's a person”

Steve softly asked “Who is it, who is keeping you here?”

“Don’t you worry about that Sweetheart, it’s not too important” Eddie replied

Steve allowed himself to imagine that maybe just maybe that person was him; the one keeping Eddie from skipping town at the earliest chance. He was pulled from his thought when he heard Eddie’s voice

“Why are you still here Harrington, it seems like you hate it here?”

“It’s mainly the kids and Robin, you know the summers with them playing and splashing around in the sprinklers or piling around the fireplace during Christmas, letting it burn to ash only. These are the memories and things that keep me here I guess.” Steve replied, he loved the kids and Robin; loved the life he has with them.

“Damn, Harrington I can’t argue with that” Eddie chuckled before asking

“So I guess people are the reason you stay? just like me”

Steve laughed “yeah, I guess so” Steve was quiet for a bit before asking

“Hey Eddie, do you wanna know why else I’m here?”

“Yeah, why not, what else you got Harrington” Eddie asked

Steve waited a minute before proceeding “I’m also still here because of my parents”

“I know it’s stupid but I think part of me is still waiting to see them, see them come back.” He laughed wetly.

“You know, I still find myself searching large bodies of people for their faces wondering if they are there, looking for me too” Steve choked out

“But they never are, they don’t care, I think they never did, I can still hear my dad telling me; You’re on your own kid; the first time I was left all alone for them to go on a trip and the more I think about it. I think I always have been” He sobbed

Eddie's heart broke, as he listened to Steve draw ragged harsh breaths, and sob over the phone. He heard Steve profusely apologize for crying and it only broke his heart more. How could someone hurt such a beautiful, caring person, like Steve?

Eddie decided that it would be his mission to make sure Steve never felt alone again; that he would never feel on his own. Not anymore.

Part 2

Soooo, this fic got away from me pretty heavily so I'm planning on splitting this into 2 more parts? I have never actually sat down and written a fic before so if this is actual garbage I blame it on that and the fact that it was written at 2am and then beta'd by no one. Anyways.....let me know if y'all like it and if you wanna be tagged or something idk. Also yes, I'm sorry this is a hurt and comfort because that's just Steve's general dynamic with existence. We got the hurt now but promise there is comfort coming.

#steve x eddie #steddie #fanfic #platonic stobin #hurt/comfort #steve has bad parents #Taylor Swift steddie #stranger things #eddie munson #robin buckley #steve harrington #steddie fic #bi steve harrington #gay eddie munson #my fic #gardenwrites

53 notes · View notes

therealvinelle · 11 months

Note

If you were kicked out of the cullens.. would you join the Denali? Or is eating people by yourself preferable to an eternity with Eleazar and being expected to woohoo unwilling humans

(Anon is referring to this post.)

My thoughts on the Denali.

No. God, no. I'd rather be on my own if them's the ropes.

Presumably, I wander around trying to improve my control, wanting someone to talk to and feeling miserable on my own but refusing to resort to the Denali and too proud to come crawling back to the Cullens. Knowing I likely wouldn't survive an encounter in the wild, I make a point to keep my distance from other vampires as well. Can't join the Volturi, I've spent too much time contemplating Aro's love life and relationship with his dead sister for that.

(Regarding the Cullens: it's not that I'm too proud. However, if things with them got to the point where they kicked me out, then... going back isn't going to be an option. Getting kicked out by them, having Carlisle give up on me and tell me to fuck off, would mean something so extreme happened that going back isn't an option and there would be no point in trying.)

A few years go by, I write a fuckton of fanfiction, watch every anime known to man, and my control gets better but my loneliness gets worse. Eventually I trust myself enough to enter human spaces, dropping by the library to read books or visiting a clothes store so I can wear actual clothes that fit.

And here's the trouble: I really am hopelessly lonely.

Humans fear me, yes, but I do exchange words with some from time to time, even for something so little as asking where to find my size in shoes.

These tidbits are the only social interaction I've had for years. (Animals, after all, flee at the very sight of me.)

I begin to feel strongly about these interactions. If it's the same librarian I ask about Christie novels every time I visit that particular library, I mourn when he has found the book I wanted because now the conversation is over. Just as I mourn the end of every other interaction I have, because exchanging words about the weather with someone who's instinctively afraid of me can't make a person less lonely.

But I increase my exposure to humans, because without that I have nothing. And if I have nothing, my resolve not to kill humans will crumble.

It gets worse, and however much I try to stop myself I start thinking of the humans I speak to as potential vampire companions. Not even just the humans I speak to, but humans who look particularly kind, or interesting, or- anything, really.

After all, isn't Carlisle perfectly happy being a vampire? Weren't Emmett, Esme, and Bella? Wouldn't I be, if I wasn't so damn lonely?

Being a vampire, doesn't have to be a bad thing at all, not if you're fit for it. And you will be free of age, disease, financial problems, free of everything.

There are humans, I know, who would prefer life as a vampire.

And if I can find one of these, ascertain to the best of my ability that vampirism would suit them, that they would follow my diet as well and stay with me...

That last bit is crucial, but the most difficult one. It requires, after all, that the human be one that likes me, that will choose to stay with me (all of these conditions do) and who will accept vampirism when it is offered, but I won't know what their choice is before I present it. At which point, the Volturi law would dictate they turn or die.

It's a catch-22, and there'd be no way to know for sure about a person anyway, plus I would be turning someone with the expectation they could fix my life. Obviously I'm being a bit silly, time to get off this train of thought and back to normal. Ahah. Ahahaha. (Me trying and failing to be casual about this).

I do not get back to normal.

Instead, what I do is... start vetting people, for lack of a better term. I start analysing everything they say and wondering to myself, how seriously did he mean it when he said he dreads his thirtieth? Did she say she's tired of everything because she's tired of everything, or was she just saying it?

I get lonelier.

I imagine it all comes to a head when I find a viable candidate.

Someone will inevitably seem like that perfect person, someone that I really like and would love to talk to all the time, someone who is moral and principled enough that I trust they would want to follow the diet, someone who doesn't have kids, no partner, perhaps not a lot of family or friends at all tying them to this life.

I've already memorised their routine, I know when they get off work, when they're alone, when no one would notice if they were snatched away in the dead of night.

I even have a long period of telling myself I'm not actually going to do this, ahaha, there are so many reasons not to after all. Heavy, convincing reasons such as "I shouldn't" and "but it's wrong, Vinelle. Dirty and bad and wrong".

These reasons become flimsier every time I tell them to myself.

In the end, I man myself up in a split second decision, and I go for it.

I have no doubt this goes terribly for me. Perhaps my companion stays with me and perhaps they even do the diet, but I took their humanity away so they could fix me, and that can never be the start of a healthy or happy relationship.

In the end I come crawling to Carlisle, "I went a little funny in the head out there in the desert, sir."

"Nonsense!" Carlisle says, "you didn't lose control once!"

Carlisle is truly proud of me, I exceeded his every expectation.

But there is still the question of the other Cullens hating my guts after whatever set of circumstances led to me being kicked out in the first place, and now that I've proven I won't kill people if I'm let on my own there's even less reason they should have to be stuck with me.

A vote is held, I lose the vote.

I end up wandering the world on my own again, and I eventually lose my companion as they either die or leave me. Vampire Vinelle goes a little more funny in the head this time.

#isekai #twilight #twilight renaissance #twilight meta #twilight headcanons

59 notes · View notes

a-s-levynn · 8 months

Text

@lovingache @reveries-of-my-mind @sleepanonymous Sorry you had to wait this much but i fell asleep and then work happend and i rewrote the entire post because it made so little sense and yeah..

I certainly can't be brief with this so i'm gonna insert a cut but if you are interested, this is what ST helped and still helps me work through during my still ongoing journey of selfacceptance.

It is kind of messy, there is a lot of rambling and wandering of thoughts but finally here it is.

A lot of this is, i'm sure of it, is going to sound very familiar to you because there is a reason we gravitate towards Sleep Token. Yeah memes are fun, much shapes, the guys are cryptids, Vessel has a nice body, III is the fun chaos noodle ballerina whatever, II is cute how he simps for Vessel from behind the drumkit when he isn't destroying it, IV is obejctively the sexy one and all the shenanigens. Whatever. We all know. BUT. If we are honest we love all of it because how it was built up. Because we are all a bit broken inside in ways. And we have a way to channel it in a way many of us never been able to before. We are allowed to be broken and exist in a space where it is okay. It is understood. Like.. Never in my entire life been so comfortable with the scars on my arms as is was when i was waiting in que before an ST ritual. Just sayin..

But back to the topic. Sorry i'm prone to wander.

It's hard to get this together in a way that isn't too much about me but it is not an easy task let me tell you. I'll put a link to an abbreviated version of how i got to be the person i am because it retrospectively will add some additional context to this entire thing, but that's fully optional. But first:

a little context on how i fell into the ST pit anyway: I first found them when the second ep released. I liked the look, i checked them out solely because that masked look interesting, but i really did not vibed with the music. I wasn't listening to the lyrics.

Next time they came into my field of vision before the release of TPWBYT. I still wasn't fully sold but there were a few tracks that got trough to me from Sundowning. Still not all of it. I wasn't paying attention still.

And then the end of last year came and something started an itch in my brain to take them out again.. and i finally sat down and read the lyrics properly. I never in my entire life sobbed so uncontrollably like when i first experienced Atlantic with actually paying attention to the lyrics.

And then the TMBTE singles started to release, then the album came. It's not a coincidence i said it's akin to a pilgrimage. It was an emotional pilgrimage to me, and still is every time i do it. And i was fairly normal about all of it. It hit me for sure, but i actually was lost when i finally saw them live. It just broke through like a dam in a flood. That concentrated energy is something that is hard to describe. Anyway. Now here i am.

So the things Sleep Token helped me with, that 10+ years of objectively unsuccesful therapy miserably failed to achieve.

being able to cry properly

being unapologetic about what i like

being able to start to feel my feelings

being unashamed by feelings that are generally considered problematic

being able to process in a much more healthy way if something is not okay in my head

ST gave me a healthier coping album to listen to when i'm on my lows

I'm not saying i'm perfectly fine by a weave of a magical drumstic, what i'm saying is that i stab myself significantly less when i can't focus for the life of me.

So maybe go over the bulletpoints i guess?

1. crying

With ST i felt finally seen in a way i never had before. I never was a cryer, but since i actually got into ST, i do sometimes. Not all the time but probably a far healthier amount then before. Because not crying is unhealthy. It doesn't make you strong and all that crap. It just adds to the unnecessary weight you carry. Some realize this sooner and i'm so happy for them beause it is important.

2. being unapologetic of my interests

I meantioned it before, an it was what sprang this entire long ass post to existance, but let it be here as well: i was unlearning a lot of thing and being apologetic over what i like is one for them. And i was progressively better and better at it, but like lately it just blew through the stratosphere because one cannot talk about Sleep Token and not sound kind of mental at least a bit. And at this point i don't give a shit. I like what i like, it doesn't hurt anyone. If someone laughs at me for it? Good for them at least i made them smile.

The context of this is a friendgroup i was in from around 14 to 20 and it had good paarts but ultimately was an emotionally controlling one, which i realized far too late. And it already created patterns and habits. Needless to say, i don't talk to any of them anymore.

3. feeling the feelz

This is where i'm going to start to sound really weird i think but who knows.. maybe more of you are in the same shoes than i would think.

From a considerably young age i was repressing basically every strong emotion possible. Happyness, sadness, excitement even anger to a certain degree. It started with the sadness, and emotional pain but as with everything it spiraled out to the rest of my emotions. I was also basically in a constant fight or flight mode which just propells you forward at any given time, when you should have stopped to feel shit.

And after a while that creates this weird dissonance of not really feeling anything and at the same time having the empathy, emotional maturity and social awareness to understand how others feel in given situations. Moreover i was acutely aware how i should feel in certain moments, it just.. never really happend. I knew the correct answers to the proverbial questions but my brain just put up a wall and never let me actually feel anything. I was simply empty.

This created the perfect blank slate for me to be the quote on quote emotional mirror for all my friends and even family at times. So usually people came and still come to me to be a sort of free therapist or something like that. Just spitballing what they are going through and reflecting it back to help them understand. And don't get me wrong i love helping people, i really do, and also when the conversation is over, some of their relief is left behind for me and it was at least something.

But at the end of the day i was constantly left with this feeling of "who am i in all this?" , "where is the person whom i can call me?" and that is a very lonely place of being. Especially when you are younger. (This is i think, at least partially, why i may have caught on to the vibe what Vessel supposed to be about. Because either i like it or not, i get what it's like. At least a version of it. To be so empty that anything and everything that creates the illusion of feeling something, anything, it is good enough for the moment.)

And here comes Sleep Token again. Because the songs are highly, highly emotional. And here comes the brilliance of Vessel as a character because by design a vessel is a blank slate. Could be anyone, because it is supposedly empty. Which is a very familiar state of being for me. And that is what made for me so easy to connect and by proxy going through the motions and start to get eased into being comfortable with feeling things again.

It still in it's infancy, that is why i'm a wreck at days, because i'm still relearning stuff that was last natural for me around two decades ago. But i wanna get there. When i can just feel, without guidance. But this is something none of my supposedly professional therapist knew what to do with.

And here comes this british sadboy with his masks and bodypaint and i'm finally nudged away from point zero? Yeah, you can bet your ass i'll take my chances and be grateful for the rest of my life no matter how far it gets me. If it is a tenth of an inch than it is a tenth of an inch. It is still more progress than i ever had before.

4. being unashamed of feelz

Sounds contradictory to the previous point but not really. If you ever felt.. for example let's say obession, true obession you know it's not like any other feeling. It works differently. Not easily controllable and it could lead to anger and rage, end in agression, all sorts of not so great things.

These are stuff we all try to repress for understanable reasons. This is the stuff we know are bad because they usually can lead to bad things. We hear it all our lives. They aren't bad. Not necesseraly. So we shouldn't be afraid to feel them. Not without understanding they are there, either one wants it or not. These are just as natural than any other feeling and no less dangerous than the rest.

They are part of the human condition. But we need to learn to live with them and control them. Repressed things tend to just explode one day and that is when the damage happens. When something can exist in a controlled enviroment, and can be observed from different angles it can be understood. And we are usually not afraid of things we understand. We deal with them. That is the whole point.

And yet again, obsession is a heavy and somewhat recurring theme in ST lyrics either actually or on a meta level if you pay attention. And the way it is presented and integrated into the whole of the story created with the discography is what solidifies it as, a thing than can be observed. It can be understood.

And the honesty of how it is presented what makes me comfortable with the fact that no, i'm not a freak, i'm not abnormal because of it. But there is a conscientious choice to be made how i deal with it. How i learn to direct it to something positive and create something with it, insted of going the other way.

It's like murder. Everyone thinks about it. It doesn't mean everyone is a potential murderer waiting to snap. Fuck no. But we do think about it. Is it okay to think about it a lot? It's not my place to decide how much is too much. But thinking isn't the problem. It is how we talk about the fact that we think about it, can be a problem. Anyway i'm diverging to much into philosophising territories. It happens, sorry.

5. processing the mess in my head

This is a pretty straightforward one actually. My mind is a mess. My long term memory is patchy, the short term one is barely existant. I understand a lot of the world in certain ways but i know so little in others. ST makes me think a lot more.

I always catch a word or a phrase or a line, maybe a verse, that lodges itself behind my eye for a time and i just keep it rolling. Associating on it, connecting it to other stuff. It stops me for a minute and forces me to roll an idea over and over and over and over again in my head and just run with it until i end up with some sort of epiphany.

It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be the smallest thing, something like a shiny glass ball in a box of far more interesting toys. But it is my glass ball, I picked the colour inside.

6. a healthier coping album

Yeah this one.. So for the longest time when my mind got murky and getting too lost into the void, music was what could drag me out of it. Since i was a kid, the album that could kick me back towards the tracks was Phobia from Breaking Benjamin. I put it on an usually by the end of it i sort of was back on a functioning state. Not a good place but a functionig one. But if you ever heard the album in it's entirety, it is hardly an uplifting one.

Now when i feel low i roll the first two ST albums in sequence. By the time i reach missing limbs i feel actually better. My mom put it to words really well when she said "I don't understand the words of what this man is singing about but i can guess he is not happy. Is it about sad things right? I feel that. But i like it because it feels more comforting instead of making me sad as well." And that i thinks sums it up pretty well. Because it is no longet the outstreched hand of you-are-not-alone but the outstreched soul that cries you-can-find-yourself-in-me. And that is the definition of comforting for me. (Yes i love that phrace because it fits, let me be proud of myself for saying something that sounds good for once.)

And that is pretty much it for now. There should be a few more things ST is a reasonably large part of my self-journey but i've gotta think on it more i think. I'm not even sure i realize all of it.

I'll link a separete post here at the end which sums up how i got to this place i am. It is heavily abbreviated but it is still feels too long. It is certainly far more personal than this but i think it adds context to what was written above. But i don't want to clutter this one with that kind of personal stuff, also it's just an optional thing for anyone who wishes to maybe understand me a bit better and where i come from. [link to said post] Just for the record: this post does mention mental a physical abuse (no sexual one), self harm, mental issues, so all the fun stuff, but does not detail it.

#levynn tries to think #i wasn't joking about it being an essay #length-wise it certainly is #this is probably either gonna cost me followers or no one is going to read it because it's long as hell #sleep token

30 notes · View notes

liladiurne · 8 months

Text

on inspiration, creativity, and expectations

I don't usually make posts like this. I don't know why exactly, whether it's just me being too lazy to take the time to write down my thoughts, or just because part of me thinks no one's interested in reading my ramblings. But I've been questioning myself so much lately, and it seemed like a good idea today to try and make sense of what I've been going through. And I think maybe some of you reading this could possibly feel the same way. And if that's the case, maybe me sharing my own experience might help you, or maybe you might have good advice for me going forward.

It's been a really tough year (and longer) for me, creatively. I don't know if I've lost something of myself along the way, or if it's just a weight I've put on myself subconsciously at some point. Either way, something is definitely stopping me from finding joy in writing, something is weighing me down. I see all my friends being so productive and so creative and writing genuinely amazing stories to their hearts' desires, sometimes only in a few days. And I'd love to do the same, but somehow, I can't. And I've always had this deep need to create, to lose myself in the process; it's an escape for me, has always been. Writing is what makes me happy. But I haven't been able to write, and as a result, I've been miserable.

I know part of the problem is that I've always wanted to connect with people. I want my stories to reach my readers, to make them feel something. Writing is good, but it's so much better with an audience that shares your love of the story and is willing to discuss it with you, to dive into it with you. As a writer, I don't seek praise or validation, I seek connection and discussion. I want to know that my writing did something right. And when I've poured my heart out into something, and after it's done there's so little reaction to it, yes it feels like a failure. I can't help it.

I know that it's on me. It's a me problem, and I've been struggling a lot lately to try and fix it.

And another part of that problem is that I have this very successful story that readers flock to, subscribe to in mass, comment in mass to every update, will wait around for months for a new chapter. And when that chapter comes, they will shower me with love and discussion and share their happiness and their joy for my work. And as much as I love this particular story, it has completely messed up my brain, twisted my sense of what's "normal" reception or feedback for a fic.

The resulting effect is that when I post something that is not a part of that story, the difference in the sense of connection to my readers, and in reception and feedback is so drastic that it takes all the joy out of having written it and shared it. I feel like I have no audience, like I can't reach people anymore, like I'm screaming into the void. I feel like I've completely failed as a writer. And I've stopped myself from posting things that are not that story because of that, because I know I'll feel worse afterwards, that I'll feel like no one cares about anything I do if it's not THAT story. And because I feel guilty for not working on that one story that everyone is waiting for, I've stomped on inspiration when it came to me and tried to drag me into other stories. I've had brilliant ideas that I've pushed away, thinking, "I can't right now, because they're waiting for this one story and they won't care if I post something else, and I'll feel horrible about it."

And because of all those feelings, I can't write. And when I can't write, I'm sad.

And I've heard it all before. You have to write for YOU, first of all. I know that. I've even said it myself numerous times. But isn't it just SO hard to make your brain understand it?

I think I've been going at it all wrong for a long time now, and I need to try a new strategy. I'd fashioned an unofficial set of rules for myself. I'd tell myself, "Don't post more than one WIP at a time, or it'll make you look like an unreliable writer and that puts people off." And that's the stupidest thing because there are many writers with many WIPS that I absolutely adore and would never think "unreliable" in any way. Isn't it crazy the standards and expectations we set for ourselves?

A good friend and very wise person told me recently about a talk she attended by this very prolific writer who went on at length about creativity. The essence of it was that to avoid writer's block, you need to let inspiration flow wherever it wants, and that no specific work is more important than keeping the creative spirit going. Basically, you need to go wherever the fun is, always. You need to start anything and everything and see where it leads.

So I'm trying a new strategy now. I'll be going where inspiration takes me, wherever the hell that is. Because I need to create, otherwise I don't know what'll happen. I'm NOT abandoning Brighter Than Bright, and I'm grateful for all the love and support I've gotten for it, but I need to explore other things for a time, and I'll come back to it when I come back to it. Whenever that is. I've tried forcing myself to work on it for months now, and it's brought me so little joy. I need to do something differently.

If this new strategy works, you'll notice me posting more WIPs, finally giving all my other ideas some love, emptying my draft drawers and pouring them out in the world because I just need to write SOMETHING.

For my own mental health. I need to try to be happy again.

#lila writes #lila posts #on writing #writers talk #mental health talk

36 notes · View notes

citrusazalea · 9 months

Text

Geneson Analysis from Regular Show

📄Warning: This is a very long read, made by 2 neurodivergent sisters (Citrus and Sparkz @luminesparkz )

1️⃣Prankless - S3 E36

Gene and Benson are clearly rivals. They also have a history of Prank Wars between both of their parks. But it seems Gene is the one who commonly antagonizes Benson. He attacks Benson's park as soon as their prank master (Muscle Man) leaves. He has quite a fun time teasing and picking on Benson and his workers while also vandalizing their entire park.

2️⃣The Christmas Special - S4 E11-12

In this episode, Gene goes "I though the Prank Wars were over, but here you come to pull some sort of lame Yuletide prank!" He claims that since Muscle Man's return and fighting back, the Prank Wars are over. And they are neutral.

However, Benson and his crew beg Gene to let them into the cave on his park in order to save Christmas. And they convince him to think of his own family, softening his outlook.

When Benson and his crew actually enter the cave, Gene smiles and shakes Benson's hand, surprising Benson. They seem to be on a little above neutral terms after these events.

3️⃣ Dodge This - S5 E17

Gene makes a small cameo here, unfortunately. But here we have Benson, taking dodge ball way too seriously and putting a lot of faith in the best player on his team, Mordecai. He hits Gene with a dodge ball, knocking him down on his back. They still seem to have a competition outside of pranking each other.

4️⃣Thomas Fights Back - S5 E37

This episode breaks their neutrality. Gene is at it again, pranking Benson by embarking in his annual "steal the park statue" pranking. Benson and his crew have to infiltrate Gene's park in order to steal it back. In their first attempt, they use Rigby's idea of dressing in cheap alien costumes, which fails immediately.

In this episode, Gene is shown to be friendly towards Thomas, who is disguised as an intern, perhaps showing that he treats his employees nicely. He also seems to trust his employees quickly if they listen well and follow orders, giving away deep secrets about the park quickly.

He is also very recognized, attending a Park Manager's Formal, which makes Benson pretty jealous that he wasn't invited as he gets little to no recognition. He is shown in this episode to let his guard down a lot. This might be from his high ego and underestimation of Benson and his crew. It's also kinda weird that as a married man, he is shown dancing with another woman.

5️⃣Park Manager's Lunch - S6 E14

I wish there was more lore behind why this episode happens, but Gene suddenly wants to invite Benson into the Park Manager's Lodge, a community of park managers that partake in different events. This is shocking especially given that the last thing Gene did was steal the statue of the founder of the park in the previously mentioned episode. This could be Gene's moment where he recognizes the potential of Benson and his crew. Anyway, Gene invites Benson to lunch at Chicken and Waffles, which Benson's crew sees as a set-up for Gene to prank Benson. Benson, however, is finally happy to see someone recognize his hard work, and doesn't think about pranks in this regard. In fact, Benson gets defensive when his coworkers try to tell Benson it COULD be a prank as Gene has only pranked Benson throughout his life. As Benson approaches Gene, he fails miserably at trying to impress him. It is not normal behavior for one man to impress another man by showing off his strong forearms from being a former drummer. He also holds his arm around Benson throughout the episode. You would have to feel very comfortable with someone to do that, at least in my opinion. Not even my closest friends nor myself would feel comfortable enough to do that.

It's important to note that Gene is a laugher. He laughs a LOT throughout all the episodes he appears in. He seems pretty fond of Benson's jokes as he is seen slapping Benson's back and laughing hard. Benson is far too focused on impressing Gene, that he keeps watching his reactions to whatever he says, not really regarding the other two. This may show that Benson has a high regard for how Gene thinks of him. He also gets extremely angry when his crew tries to "save" Benson inside the restaurant.

After their lunch, Gene seems to handle Benson roughly, almost seeming as if he is kidnapping him, however, this seems to be part of the lodge entrance "ritual". Benson's crew does everything in their power to "rescue" him. But Gene tries to stop him and take Benson back.

In the end, it was another test for Benson's employees and their respect for on another. Benson is more than happy to join Gene's Park Manager's Lodge.

6️⃣Men In Uniform - S6 E24

In this episode, Benson's park is in trouble. The park doesn't get anywhere near the amount of visitors East Pines gets. After getting completely wasted on wings, Benson and his crew end up in East Pines Park, in their gazebo. Benson thinks that the secret to Gene's success is in the uniforms, another bit of proof of Benson really admiring Gene and how well he does and wanting to be as recognized at him.

7️⃣ The Parkie Awards - S7 E2

Benson, still a bit jealous of Gene's constant success, witnesses Gene's awards at the Parky awards. Gene clearly has a high ego but not in a way where he means bad. He is oblivious to the fact that Benson isn't recognized, which is unfortunate but true. But at the end he tells Benson "I'll see you at the next lodge meeting" which means he still has a nice friendship with Benson. Gene doesn't know struggle as a park manager.

8️⃣Chili Cook Off - S7 E23

Benson, being part of the lodge now, enters a Chili Cook Off introduced by Gene, the leader of the lodge. Despite everyone saying he can't win against Gene, he still participates. When Benson wants to taste Gene's chili during one of the first rounds, he can't do it himself. He asks Rigby and Mordecai to go get him a bowl to sample. He is, however, surprisingly friendly to them. This, again, further establishes that he merely has an ego problem, not being a "bad person" intentionally.

When Benson does try his chili, he admits is amazing but detects the hint of the Jade Phantom Pepper, a pepper he knows is extremely expensive. Out of anger of Gene's possible cheating, he throws it to the floor, shattering the bowl and ruining the chili. Benson is so strung on proving that Gene is lying about his ingredients being under $50 that he not only sneaks into Gene's house through his window, but he is also oblivious to the obvious fact that Gene was behind the entire dome experiment and is acquainted with Mr. Maellard in the process.

Now, there is something interesting shown here that is most likely an animation error or just laziness, but Gene's family looks a bit different than what is shown The Christmas Special (S4 E11-12). Instead of being red, she is a blue-green color. Either this man got divorced and married someone new or the animators were too lazy to make sure she was accurate. His connection with his wife is and child is not at all described or shown in the show.

The best part of this episode is that, when Benson added hot wings to his chili and ended up winning against Gene, he congratulated Benson instead of fighting or some other method. He was genuinely happy for Benson and even pushed a chair under him when the crowd carried him. This further establishes the idea that Gene is a friend of Benson's and pushes aside competition to be happy for him.

9️⃣Welcome to Space - S8 E1

The last seen footage of Gene: he is sent to the Space Tree along with Benson's park and hundreds of others. We don't know anything about his life past this episode and in the future, shown at the end of the show.

Conclusion

Gene and Benson have an interesting relationship that we think goes from rivals to perhaps something more. This is further established with the personal lore created by us about Gene's family (Wife and child). That is all we have left to say on the subject. LOL. Geneson.

This is prone o being edited. Thank you if you stuck around this far lol.

#geneson #benson dunwoody #regularshow #benson regular show #gene regular show #regular show #citrus other

29 notes · View notes

daughterofthereaper02 · 2 years

Text

Never Do Anything Right

Summary: After feeling like you couldn't do anything right all day, your husband is there to cheer you up.

Pairing: Jake "Hangman" Seresin x female! Reader

Warnings: Misogynistic talk, cursing

A/n: I needed to cure myself today. After being treated like I don't do anything right, I wanted to heal. Thank you Hangman.

You slammed the front door, not knowing your husband was home. You thought he was still with his group of aviators. "Fuck!" You yelled as a picture fell off the wall and onto the floor, the glass shattering. Tears slipped down your cheeks as knelt down, carefully picking up the photo.

In your hands was crappy photo of you and Jake, ice cream cake on both your faces after your friends shoved your faces in it. It had been for your "wedding reception" since you guys didn't get to have one. It was more like a barbeque though with only close family and friends. You both were laughing, the biggest smiles on your faces as you looked at each other, Maverick had taken the photo.

Jake came around the corner, "Baby, what's the matter?" He asked then saw the glass. What you didn't realize was your hands were trembling and tears were rolling down your face. "I'm sorry," you said, being to hiccup "I can't do anything right today" you told him, trying to clean it up but he stopped you, kneeling next to you. "Let me help" he told you softly. He helped you clean up the glass while you told him about your day.

It was a normal day until the new head of the office ran into you, spilling his coffee all over you and blamed you for it. From there, he gave you difficult tasks to make your life miserable, ones you would completely fail at. The only thing that went right was you managed to close a case by catching the killer on a case that had been running you all down.

You managed to get tossed around a bit from the killer and one of the male detectives ran in after and laughed at you. You could still hear his voice snearing at you in your head.

"What's the matter Detective Seresin? Can't handle a man? Why don't you run back home and be a trophy wife for that husband of yours. I'm sure you can pop a kid out still"

He had later told all your male coworkers and they had all laughed their asses off about it. It infuriated you and you reminded them you had been a Navy SEAL before retiring to become a detective.

Later you found out from a female rookie cop that they had just made fun of that and said you probably slept with whoever you needed to do you could get that spot.

You then went to the gym near your house to blow off steam and men wouldn't keep their eyes off you despite wearing a wedding band. The only time it came off was when using equipment. The whole time you ran, it was on your dog tags you still wore. You had your music blasting on the treadmill and two men went on either side. They got your attention, "Y'know, taking off that band makes you unfaithful right? So you're free?" One asked cockily. You gave him a nasty look, "By the tan line on your finger tells me you're married and you're being unfaithful. My husband knows I normally wear a flex bang but I forgot it today. He trusts me. Now, I would appreciate it if I can get back to my workout" you said. He rolled his eyes as you put your headphones back in and called you something you couldn't here.

Then on your way home your dad called you and when you told him about your day, he lectured you on everything you did wrong. He made it clear you did nothing right in his eyes, down to marrying Jake. You hung up on him which lead you back to now.

Jake pulled you into his arms, "Sweetheart, I am so sorry." He told you, kissing the top of your head as you began to cry. "I'm not going to offer any advice today, but we'll talk about that tomorrow okay?" He said, cupping your cheek and his green eyes met yours. "I love you. You acted better then I would've. You would have had me in handcuffs" he winked playfully to get a laugh out of you.

You could feel your chest lighten from your husband already made you feel better. "Now, get that sexy ass upstairs and shower. I'll order takeout and we're going to watch movies and listen to your favorite music. All out fun night" he grinned. "Would be more fun to have my husband in the shower but oh well," you sighed playfully, a joking pout on your face.

He just tapped your hip, "Go Detective Seresin," he told you, kissing you deeply. You felt yourself reaching for more when he pulled away, whining as you enjoyed the pure affection you felt. "There will be more later. Take a nice, long, and relaxing shower. I expect at least ten minutes." He said sternly. "Yes Captain" you grinned, seeing his lips twitch at the use of his new title.

You grabbed his boxers, a sports bra, a tank top, and fluffy socks before going to shower. You put on your music and showered while singing along as he ordered you take out. It was from two different places and you didn't know he was moving furniture to give you both more space.

You sang at the top of your lungs, you didn't know he was standing downstairs listen to you pour your heart out. You only did that when you were completely comfortable. He remembered how long it took for you both to get comfortable enough like that with each other. While you were no longer in the military when you both had met, it was still engrained in your brain.

You continued to sing even after you got out as you used your skin care products. You both taught each other about different self-care. Despite your dad not liking Jake, it was obvious you both made each other better for the other.

You came downstairs still dancing and singing, he laughed and took you into his arms, dancing with you. You barely noticed the open space of the living room as you both did weird dance moves together. You jumped up and down as you sang, laughing as you picked you up and spun you around. He kissed you deeply, "Pretty girl, I don't even think I need the liquor to make you giddy tonight" he laughed. You shook your head with a smile, "Nope just need you and your lips. You're intoxicating Captain Seresin" you told him, your voice breathless.

You pulled away as the doorbell rang, he pulled away and got the food. Both of the delivery people showed up at the same time. You were putting on movie as he got it before running past him and to the closet. You pulled out the spare blankets and set them all up on the floor with throw pillows.

You both sat there and ate your food while watching the movie. "Jake, you're telling me that this" you said motioning to a marine on the screen doing some trick "Is realistic? We've worked with them before! There is NO WAY that is real!" You laughed. "SEALs are better" you joked later as the guy tried to act cocky on the screen. He rolled his eyes before saying "Yeah they are. But not better then aviators. We're cooler" he said before getting up and taking off running through that house. "You take that back!" You yelled, chasing after him.

You eventually caught up and tackled him to the spare bed, tickling him. He laughed, "I give! SEALs are equally as cool!" He laughed. You stood up triumphantly but got tickled for pay back.

You laid there breathless with your husband and put your hand to his cheek. "Thank you. You're the best thing to ever happen to me Jake. I love you" you told him. "I love you too" he said, kissing you gently.

That night he held you from behind, stroking your hair and whispering how much he loved you and everything you've changed in his life.

You know you did one thing right, you married Jake Hangman Seresin, and he never left you hanging.

Tag list:

@peaches-and-sunshine

@natasharomanoffisbaebby

@sweetheartlizzie07

@lollypop90907

@the-hottest-lieutenants

@jamiedontbeacracko

@fandomstanner24

@blackcat2907

#jake 'hangman' seresin x reader #jake 'hangman' seresin #jake hangman seresin x reader #jake seresin #hangman #hangman x reader #hangman top gun #jake hangman x reader #top gun #top gun: maverick #jake seresin imagine

147 notes · View notes

vanillafalvoredcoffee · 1 year

Text

Tw : Smut? , mentions of cum, obsessive behavior

"Oh! You're back again...shall I make the usual for today? It's on the house!"

the voice of the Barista brought you back to reality...the sun had already set and the sky became dark...your thoughts wandered somewhere else again...

you nod "Yes please..thanks for the offer..." you said in a slightly husky voice, you cleared your throat and added in a more normal voice "Thank you so much...I really appreciate it" Suddenly you heard someone's calling for him in the staff room...what a bummer...you wished you could talk to him more.

"Sorry...it's probably my boss, I'll be back darling!"

He says as he rushed towards the staff room...leaving you alone...again...wait did he just said darling?

...

You sat on one of the chairs that were placed near the coffee shop's large windows

The wind was picking up and a few drops of rain fell onto the windowsill, they created pretty small patterns on them.You couldn't help staring at the raindrops falling into the puddle beneath the window as they kept forming smaller shapes and forms...

Suddenly you felt something warm resting on your left hand pulling out , you turn to your side and see...

the Barista

"Sorry...my boss was just a bit angry so he put it out on me...H-here's your coffee Y/N..." He said shyly as he looked down towards his feet

"Oh no! Don't worry!"

You replied happily as you give out your money to him

"Please keep it, its the least I can do"

He looked at you surprised "You've been so good to me, I'd really hate to let your job suffer because of this" you said softly as you gently caressed his palm...his hand trembled as you did so...you noticed your action caused him to look up to you again...

"T-hank you...I'm glad you think so highly of me...I'll try to remember that" he said as he smiled at you...you returned the smile and nodded...

"So...what's your name?" You asked him

"My name?...um- I'm...uh...I-...I'm Jacob...my name is Jacob" He replied shyly as he turned his face away...it seems like he's feeling a bit shy...

"Jacob...."You repeated softly

"...its a lovely name!, I really like it"

You reached forward and grabbed your coffee from his hand making him blush even harder "Thanks for the coffee as always!" You smiled innocently as you took a sip of your hot beverage...It tastes just as you like it...it's just a bit more creamier and sweeter this time...

you take another sip as you continued to gaze at Jacob's face and his gorgeous eyes...You notice that he is blushing hard and seems nervous all of a sudden...you can tell that he was trying to hide it but failed miserably...you smiled and tried giving him a reassuring smile...he gave you a confused and shocked expression and immediately looked anywhere but you...You couldn't help but chuckle to yourself a bit at his reaction...

How cute...he didn't even do anything! what exactly could he be so flustered about?

[Flashbacks but in Jacob's perspective]

"Hah~...Y/N...y/n Y/N.." Their name sounds so nice, especially their voice...they have such a wonderful voice...

You closed the door behind you as slowly walked over to your phone and turned off the ring tone of your "boss's" rambling...well you're the only boss here...you just payed someone to do it for you

which is almost all your money...but it's all worth it

It's just too exciting...seeing their happily smile...you want to make them happy as well

They look so adorable...how could I resist?

They have a beautiful laugh, which makes her giggle every now and then as well...and those dimples...god, she makes them even cuter than her actual appearance...

...

You found yourself in blushing mess once again as you remembered your previous conversation with Y/N...

You hold the coffee you had brought with you tight eager to finish this task

I shouldn't do these kinds of things, but... I can't help myself... I really like them, and if only...I could see them more often...

By that...I should be the one bonding with them...

You smirked at the thought as you unzipped your pants

and started getting ready to do what you came there for...

...

(For contex He literally just came in your coffee...and what's funny is people usually call me coffee...lol )

#yandere #yandere behavior #yandere x darling #yandere x you #yandere x reader #coffee #coffeeshop #smut?

26 notes · View notes

reidsaurora · 2 years

Text

"Cliché" ~ D. Winchester (requested)

Summary: When Y/N tries (and miserably fails) to convince herself that she hates Dean, things take a much different turn than she'd anticipated.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2,177 (ik i'm so far off word count I'm sorry)

Content Warning: very mild swearing, normal SPN violence (a vamp gets decapitated but it's not too heavily detailed), food consumption by Reader and Dean, lmk if i missed anything!

Genre: Friends to Lovers, a lil bit of Angst ig

Extra Notes: uh AU where Sam isn't here? i guess we can just pretend this takes place while Sam is in college 😭🤣

Based On the Prompt: Person A tries to hate Person B so A can try (and miserably fail) to convince themself they aren't in love with B but B could never hate them.

Features the One-Liner: "Is that my boxers you're wearing? With a sports bra?"

Originally Written/Re-Written: 05/01/2022 and 05/15/2022

Supernatural masterlist can be found here!

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

I loathed Dean.

Or, at least that's what I was trying to convince myself, repeating that mantra quietly in the mirror.

"I loathe him. I loathe him. I loathe him."

After all, he clearly didn't want me. Why should I keep pretending I wanted him?

In the three years I'd been hunting with Dean, not once had he looked at me the way he looked at all those random girls in random bars across random cities in America. Not once in the year it had been since I realized I had a crush on him had he noticed the way I acted around him: batting my eyelashes a couple extra times when I spoke to him, lingering behind in the doorway of my motel room to make sure he'd made it to his room in one piece, certainly not the prolonged eye contact or the glances I'd steal of him when he was turned away.

"Y/N?" I heard that all too familiar stupid (and sexy) voice call from outside the door to my room.

"Coming!" I called back, attempting to sound annoyed, or put out, or some expression conveying my hatred for Dean.

I knew it was stupid. I knew I should've just told Dean point blankly how I felt about him. But I couldn't bear the idea of possibly losing our friendship—possibly losing Dean—if things went south.

I pulled on my sweater and grabbed my duffel, strutting over to the door. "Hey," I said in an almost monotone voice.

"Hey," he greeted in his everyday, normal tone. "You ready to go?"

"Mhm," I answered with a nod, swiftly closing the door behind me.

Soon enough, we'd made it to the Impala, ready to find our next case. I figured out I might have closed my door a little too hard when Dean asked, "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," I answered, promptly buckling myself in.

"OK, what's with you?" he asked point blankly.

"Nothing, I'm fine!" I retorted, throwing my hands up. "Just drive, Dean."

"I'm not starting this car until you explain to me why you're mad at me."

"I just told you I'm fine!"

"OK, I may do a pretty crappy job at keeping a girlfriend, but I have learned over the years that when a woman says, 'I'm fine,' it never actually means that she's fine," he rebutted.

"Just drive," I groaned, turning to face the window.

"Fine," he grumbled under his breath, finally starting the car and speeding off toward the highway.

☆☆☆

"Home sweet home," Dean sighed, throwing his bag to the side and jumping onto his bed.

"Remind me again why we don't take cases at nice hotels more often," I laughed lightly, starfish-ing onto my own bed.

Dean rolled onto his side, facing me. He had a smile on his lips, that signature, goofy, Dean smile.

"What?" I asked, rolling over to fully face him.

"Nothing," he replied, that stupid grin still plastered on his face.

"You're not gonna give me that look and say that it's nothing, Dean Winchester," I demanded, "Tell me what's up."

"Well, that's something, coming from you."

My eyebrows creased in a mixture of confusion and accusation. "What are you talking about?"

"Just the way you treated me earlier versus how you're treating me now," he explained, rolling onto his back and looking up at the roof. "I guess I underestimated what a good nap in the car could do to a person."

I scoffed, hopping up from the bed.

"Where are you going?" he asked, sitting up to face me.

"I need some air," I grumbled.

He let out a long, surrendering breath through his nose. "I'm gonna go round us up some grub. Try not to come back too late. Make sure you take your key with you."

I didn't say it, but my brain was filled with petty thoughts of, "You aren't the boss of me."

He turned to take one last look at me. "I'd prefer if you'd stay here since I don't want you getting killed by the rogue vamp on our hands, but even if you don't stay here, just please promise that you'll be careful."

I sighed, but reluctantly nodded.

And with that, he grabbed his wallet from the bedside table and marched out the door of the hotel room.

I sat back on the bed, running my hands through my disheveled hair. I took a deep breath in, deciding that my mantra wasn't going to stop my feelings for Dean, and treating him like an asshole surely wasn't going to fix things either.

I decided that the best way to blow off steam was heading toward the hotel pool. It was then that I grabbed my duffel bag, rummaging through it to find some swim-appropriate clothing.

"Great," I exhaled in frustration upon realizing I'd lost my favorite shorts.

I thought for a moment, pondering whether a swim was even worth it at this point, but deciding it was the principal of the thing. Out of habit, I took a quick glance around the room, locking eyes with Dean's bag.

"Am I really-"

Apparently, the answer was yes, because one minute, I was rummaging through his bag and the next thing I knew, I was walking into the indoor pool room, sporting a pair of Dean's black boxers and one of my sports bras, carrying a hotel towel over my shoulder.

I tossed the towel onto one of the poolside chaises, sliding off my shoes beside it. I noticed the room was completely empty, just the way I liked. I thought for a moment, attempting to decide between jumping in or taking the steps.

I sighed contently, deciding the diving board was the way I wanted to go.

The feeling of the cold water was enough to wash off both the sweat from that blazing hot, Arizona day and the resentment I'd felt toward Dean earlier that day.

When I surfaced, I was met with the sight of a man. I could've sworn I was the only one in the pool room.

"You're an excellent diver," he observed.

"Thanks. I've been on the swim team since I was a little girl," I told him, floating away on my back.

"And an excellent floater," he chuckled.

I didn't know exactly what it was, but something seemed off about this man. I had to consider all my possibilities, considering my profession. Not a demon, no black eyes. Wasn't a crocotta, no strange phone calls. I didn't think he was a rugaru, he didn't appear to want to eat me.

THWACK!!

I let out a scream as his head fell from his shoulders, the body flumping over soon after. As I shrieked, I realized Dean had been hiding behind the man, who I then realized was the rogue vampire.

"Shh, it's me," Dean stopped me from screaming.

I pushed myself up before exiting the pool, still attempting to slow my breathing. "Please give me a warning next time you're gonna silently decapitate a vamp in front of me," I complained.

Dean bent down, lifting the now dead guy's upper lip. "Yep, extra set of teeth."

"How'd you know?" I asked, grabbing my towel.

"I didn't. I just took a chance on the way he was treating you."

I couldn't tell if he was joking or being serious. I also couldn't tell if I was supposed to be taking that as him being overprotective of me or if I'd done that by accident.

I tried not to let my mind wander too much, promptly putting my focus back on drying off and getting my shoes back on.

"Hey, are those my boxers? With a sports bra?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

I wasn't quite sure how to answer—in fact, I was flabbergasted that he'd brought it up.

Changing the subject, I said, "You might wanna get rid of that before anyone sees it."

☆☆☆

A little while after my shower (and presumably after Dean had disposed of the vamp's body), I found myself eating a fast food burger on my bed, across from Dean who was doing the exact same thing. He took another bite, focused intently on the SpongeBob episode in front of him.

"Hey, Dean," I spoke up, placing my burger back in its wrapper.

"Yeah?" he asked, muting the TV and turning to face me.

I took an internal deep breath in and out, repeating all sorts of positive mantras to myself. "I want to apologize for earlier."

"Which part?" he chuckled before taking a sip of soda.

"All of it. I shouldn't have treated you like crap and I'm sorry."

"It's OK," he said nonchalantly, like nothing had happened. Although, it could've been because he was preoccupied with trying to find his fries in the food bag.

"No, it's not. I yelled at you, I ignored you, and not that it matters, I stole your underwear, all because I l-"

I stopped myself. I couldn't believe I almost said that out loud.

"Hmm?" he looked up to face me, acting as though he was actually curious about the end of that sentence.

"Nothing. Don't worry about it," I tried to play it off.

"No, seriously, what is it?" he asked casually, finishing up his burger.

I took a deep breath, facing the fact that it was now or never. "Dean, can I be honest with you?"

"You've never given me a reason to think you were lying to me before."

I felt the air leaving my throat and lungs. It felt like I'd pass out the second I managed to get my confession away from my tongue. "I like you, Dean. I have for a while."

He stopped mid-fry, nearly dropping the box of fries onto his lap. "You huh?"

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," I repeatedly thought as I mentally face-palmed. "I know. Crazy, right?" I managed to say, followed by an awkward chuckle.

"No, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just… Why me?"

I felt something in the pit of my stomach, an unidentifiable something. It wasn't relief from getting it off my chest, and it wasn't excitement from the fact that he hadn't kicked me out or ran away yet. It was… almost like sadness. I reckoned it was from his question. "Why me?"

Oh, Dean, if only you knew why it was you.

"Well, why not? I mean, you're handsome, you've always been sweet to me, you're amazing. Not just at the job but at anything you put your mind to," I explained. "I think the better is why I'd ever think you'd want me."

This time he sighed, almost as nervously as I had earlier. "That's the thing, Y/N. I've always wanted you. I never said anything because you deserve better than me."

I was taken aback by his words, to say the least. I wanted to comfortingly hug him, kiss him, and ask him why, all at the same time.

Apparently, the second one got the best of me, because the next thing I knew, I was lifting his chin and leaving a delicate kiss on his lips.

You always hear about the stereotype where guys lead the first kiss. Well, this wasn't like the clichés.

For one, I'd been the one to lift his face by the chin, not the other way around. Secondly, his lips were weak, like he was tired. Definitely not someone who was yearning to kiss someone. Actually, it was more like he was yearning to be kissed. And third, he allowed himself to pull away first, since I'd initiated the kiss.

"Dean Winchester, I have spent every day for the last year wanting to do that very action. If you'd told me you wanted the same, I would have done it."

"You deserve better than me. That's the whole reason I never said anything," he clarified once more.

"I don't care. I love you just the way you are," I said, my hand moving from his chin to his cheek.

"You shouldn't settle, Y/N. You should find a good man who can treat you the way you deserve. Not a hunter who hops from place to place, lying his way through everything. There's still a chance for you to get out of this life."

I pondered for a moment, my mind thinking of a million things to say. "Hey, I've got an idea," was what I landed on.

"Shoot."

"As cliché as it sounds, we could always improve ourselves for each other. Then either we're both settling or neither of us is settling."

"I think I'm willing to try that."

We kissed again, all the same love and emotion from before running rampant throughout my entire body.

My mind settled on two things: one, that I never wanted to stop kissing Dean. And two, I was willing to improve every aspect of myself for him, because I loved him with my whole being.

And if other people were going to consider all that cliché, I was willing to seem like an entire romance novel.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

Thank you so much for both the request and for being so understanding, @darkloverfox!! I am so sorry it took so long but I hope the outcome was worth the wait! You've been so understanding and kind and I am so thankful for that 🥺❤️

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

↳ Request an imagine here!

↳ Join my taglist here!

↳ Get to know me here!

↳ TAGLIST: @1234-angelika @ohhmychuck @lowsodiumfreaks67 @drayshadow @alexxavicry @mrspeacem1nusone @kbakery @leigh70 @darkloverfox

☆𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒☆

126 notes · View notes

rustedskyprisms · 2 months

Text

There’s really nothing worse than having a mentally ill sibling with ADHD and addiction issues, but who has destroyed your self-esteem because you’re autistic and have a physical disability. Like…………..I don’t even know how this works, but evidently, people like this exist. And she’s not the only one I’ve encountered. You know, mentally ill people being complete assholes towards or just not giving a shit about autistic or physically disabled people. I’m so sick of them. It’s especially annoying/amusing to me when they don’t want the conditions they have to be stigmatized, yet they contribute so heavily to stigmatizing other things.

I have been through a lot in my life. I’m legally blind, I have severe, severe OCD and depression, and I’ve had my share of drug abuse too. In fact, that’s really the only thing that’s ever made me feel better about myself. But yeah, I’m done. I’m done always being the understanding one, especially when I’ve been made to feel bad over the fact that empathy really doesn’t come naturally to me, yet, I’m a hell of a lot more understanding than so many of the people who claim to just have it. How does that work? I’m done doing this for people who don’t give me the same in return. I’m done with the “well, there’s reasons for their behavior”, “they have their own issues”, etc mentality I’ve taken for so long. What about my reasons? What about my own issues? Nope, that’s just “wrong” and “weird”. So much for empathy right…..I would never tell someone the shit I’ve been told.

You know, she’s been through a lot of shit too, including things that I can’t imagine going through. But she also cannot imagine what it’s like to be me, to go through the things I have. And I’m done with this being such a one sided effort. I’m done with everyone who is like her. It never fails to amaze me, the things that people like her think are okay to say. But yeah, I’m the one who is such a social pariah. I’m the one who needs to change.

But I also think it’s just sad. It’s sad that she cares so much about societal standards that it’s caused her to treat me this way. And the funniest thing is, she thinks she’s not like that. She’s one of those people who thinks she’s more “awake” than everyone else. No, you’re fucking not lmao. I don’t care how many drugs you’ve done (what’s super funny is that she actually doesn’t even primarily use the shit that tends to cause people to act like that. That’s me, and I don’t think like that. At all.) But it’s like, sweetheart, you’re going to be 25 next year, you have been through some serious shit in your life. How the fuck do you still care so much that I’m not “normal”? How??? Because those drug-induced rants and breakdowns sure as hell weren’t normal either, but let’s pretend that never happened, right? You can get upset when people judge you for choices you made, but it’s okay to make me feel like shit over how I was born? Okay.

I’m done with feeling this way. I’m done with feeling like I should kill myself because I’m ugly, weird, don’t process emotions/situations the “right” way, and all the other shit she’s put into my head. There is such a direct correlation with how suicidal I’ve been and the things she’s said to me. I have caved to her and let her manipulate me so much throughout my life, and it’s not okay. She’s not a completely terrible person, but I also cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep feeling like I don’t deserve to be alive. I cannot keep thinking that I need to cut my body open because I’m so ugly and unlikeable. She’s a miserable person in a lot of ways, and I can’t keep giving someone like that so much power over me.

It’s just, you know, she’s in a relationship, and I’ve been alone my entire life. And I’ve been made to feel that I’m going to be alone forever. And it’s like, how is it that someone who can be this fucking mean be wanted, but I never have been? Oh yeah, because she’s attractive. That’s literally all that matters. I really do believe that’s another reason she’s able to act this way. If I acted this way, oh my god, I would get so much shit for it. That’s just the truth. She’s put it into my head that looks are all that matter, and she’s not incorrect. Attractive women can get away with so much. That’s not incel shit, it’s true. They can treat people like absolute shit, and someone will come to their defense. Meanwhile I can’t even exist as a person.

She reminds me of like those Red Scare women, just not…racist and shit. But she absolutely has that vibe that they do, and I hate it. And I think if life hadn’t kicked the crap out of her, she’d be a lot meaner than she is. No, that’s exactly what she reminds me of, wow.

#I am so sick of her #I can’t do this anymore

6 notes · View notes

doctorguilty · 6 months

Text

Baddddd bad bad bad very sad

My head hurts, the pressure makes me feel like it's being squeezed and crushed by rubber bands ... from sinus inflammation and dehydration and not eating probably isn't helping

I feel like I want to cry again but I'm trying to stop myself so I won't make the pain even worse

This is only, what, a week into dst? Not even winter yet.. Seasonal affective disorder is going in for the kill this year I guess. I don't know what im going to do because I'm so tired, physically and mentally and just tired of my life, there's no fight in me left. And no one will or can help me. I'm my family's least favorite and so i get the least help, doctors won't take my health seriously, my partner needs more time, possibly more than a year, before moving in with me with me somewhere. I can't afford to live on my own. I barely have energy to keep collecting scraps of money to show as income so I can continue getting food assistance.

I had a spark of hope for a while but it feels like it was a mistake to let myself have it. How much longer can I lie to myself and say "one more year until it gets better"? I mean, I can't. That illusion is broken. So what can I tell myself? It truly feels like there's nothing. Things keep getting worse. I tried so hard, I really did. I'm exhausted. Truly utterly exhausted.

Unless anyone out there (just like, the world not @-ing Tumblr dot com) has a spare 20 grand or something they'd just hand to me to live off for "one more year" (and then some) and detox from my miserable quality of life, surviving it barely even sounds appealing knowing that my physical and mental health I'll be another year WORSE than where it is now. And even then. There's not guarantee it ends there :''') its an estimate, an "if I'm lucky" estimate and it's not even considerably lucky to be in this position.

I genuinely don't know how I'm gonna keep living like everything is fine and normal while I continue losing steam to make money, make art, care for myself (I'm already down to roughly 2 showers a week and at best 1 real meal a day because I'm so tired), to keep filling out paperwork begging for assistance (I think I'm already overdue for my food stamp update), and watching other people in my family just be handed endless help while I'm patronized with "have you considered painting Christmas ornaments for a living" and interrogated about the validity of my disabilities (which I always fail to prove good enough)

Almost everyone around me is happier than me. Almost everyone else's life is on track and I'm at best simply left behind, and at worst I was someone they stepped on to get what they needed before tossing me to the side.

My life is not only painful and exhausting but humiliating. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel important. I feel like if i did die out of the blue, nobody would say they regret helping me more like people usually say, they'd just talk about how I should have done xyz better and it's my own fault (not a s*icide threat just being hypothetical like literally if i died for any random reason)

Most of everything that's happened in my life, I feel, has validated my chronic sense of worthlessness. Everyone says I'm not but prove it. Someone prove it. Someone put me first. Sacrifice something for me (and not complain what a burden I am on them!). For once. If I wasn't worthless, well, I'd be worth it, without strings attached.

It won't happen. It never happens. I have to dance like a fucking circus animal for people and then beg on my knees I'm entertaining enough to keep alive so I can do it over and over again

#seth speaks #neg #angry parts arent vaguing tumblr ppl its mostly irl stuff like thats the issue thats where i need the most help

5 notes · View notes