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celticbotanart · 1 year

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Wrote a very depressing tweet earlier, but was a coward and deleted it.

So, instead of being depressed AF on main, I'll take one of the things I said in it and will elaborate in a much better, healthier manner, which is... gushing about music, my beloved, my hyperfixation ~

In the tweet I mentioned André Matos, a BR singer, composer, pianist with a literal degree in classical music and conducting.

He became a literal metal legend here in BR specially in the 90s/2000s. Like for real - he was THIS CLOSE to replace Bruce Dickinson when he left Iron Maiden in the early 90s (Andre was in the 3rd place of choice).

Unfortunately, Andre passed away in 2019 at early age of 47 due to a cardiac arrest - it was very sudden and a shock to everybody, it's kind of insane even now looking back and remembering he's gone.

Anyway. That being said, enough with the sad stuff and let's turn this into THE COOLEST THING you guys will ever learn about Brazilian music!! As a kid, Andre Matos was the vocalist of a band named Viper, and later on as a young adult he joined Angra, a band that still exists to this day with other members and vocalists - BTW!!! SMALL PARENTESIS, the vocalist who replaced Andre in Angra, Edu Falaschi, sang the Brazilian version of "Pegasus Fantasy", Saint Seiya's opening theme back then!! Still a fucking banger, and Edu STILL often sings it to this day; Edu isn't in Angra anymore, I think???

But yeah. As you can see, we're already getting epic and complex and I didnt even get to Andre yet lol ANYWAY!! This is Angra with the OG formation with Andre as the lead singer/keyboardist - he's the 3rd one, the pretty boi in the middle, hehe

Angra was one of the pivotal points in Brazilian hard rock/metal; Sepultura is right there with them, I think - I don't know a lot about Sepultura (that's my sister's territory lol), but I know that much.

I'll skip straight into Angra's stuff cause there's where the good stuff begins!

First album of theirs is called "Angels Cry" and the title song is SUCH a quintessential Angra / Andre Matos song, i swear to gods. And the album art sdkjfhsdkfjshdf it's very Graphic Passion Is My Design. Don't be fooled by the dated album art tho:

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Here you'll hear the "classic music interludes" that were very common in Andre Matos' songs due to his background and training in classic music. It's SOOOO 80s and their Iron Maiden influence is SCREAMING, quite literally. Worth mentioning I'm not an Iron Maiden fan lol btw #Poser

Another CLASSIQUE-TM from Angels Cry is "Time".

I'll throw the official videoclip in here because it's hilarious, even though the song slaps ksdjfhskdj (André's corny, pretty metal boi look in his early Angra days is kind of a goal to transNB me, ngl. #GenderEnvy)

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WELL, do you guys know folk metal? Like, when we say that, it's usually metal + medieval/European instruments (like Eluveitie, for example).

In 96, Angra did what I like to consider "Brazilian folk metal", metal with BR elements and influences, in their album "Holy Land"

The concept of the album was like, the great navigations but it was also kind of a commentary in colonization - Brasil is our "holy land", and a lot of the songs feature this epicness and bittersweetness, joy and sorrow of being BR. The songs are in ENG, which is kind of ironic, but still The songs being in ENG is due to a lot of factors tbh, all of them involving the fact that Brazil doesn't embrace metal a lot, and they wanted to to sell their songs outside BR bc of that. Which sucks, but i get it.

Here we have CAROLINA IV, an epic describing a ship at sea, and it also references the Portuguese who arrived in BR back in the 1500s.

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The song is all in ENG except the intro, which is a chant dedicated to Iemanjá / Janaína / Iemoja, the orisha of the seas and the most well-known orisha around here, if I'm not mistaken

"Hail, hail Yemoja, Hail Janaína And everything that was made in the waters They throw flowers at the sea God save the Queen And my journey on this sphere An orishas' caboclo Soon leaves the Earth Meeting his fate Where the sky meets the sea He will find his safe harbor And that's how it ends..."

Black culture and religions are strong here in BR, and this chant and the instruments used are a tribute to them <3 If you guys know of or remember Michael Jackson's "They Don't Really Care About Us", that's the same beat/Afro-Brazilian influence - in MJ's song, it was the famous group Olodum who did it, I don't know if they were involved in Angra's Holy Land though. "Carolina IV" is a very long with a lot of changes in pace and even genres (again, classical music interludeTM). It's very epic, very 80s metal, and very Brazilian as well, it has everything I love, ahhh <3

In the early 2000s, Andre left Angra and he and other, previous Angra members formed the band Shaman.

I think it's good for me to reiterate at this point that while we had bands like Angra and Sepultura, the metal genre WAS NOT and NEVER WAS mainstream here in BR.

So, the fact that Shaman became incredibly popular in the early 2000s because one of their songs "became to mainstream" was kind of an anomaly. THIS, MY FRIENDS, is where my story with Andre Matos' music starts. Because this was early 2000s, I was around 13 and the reason why I knew about the band, alongside hundreds of other teens at the time, was because a song by Shaman became soundtrack to a BR telenovela. The telenovela in question was O Beijo do Vampiro ("The Vampire's Kiss") and as the name suggests, it had vampires and 'edgy dark fantasy stuff' cause it was more targeted for a younger audience, as the protagonist was this middle schooler aged boy who was actually the son of a vampire.

The BANGER, THE ETERNAL, EVERLASTING ANTHEM from Shaman they chose as a soundtrack to that freaking telenovela was "Fairy Tale", from their first album "Ritual":

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I swear to god, this song is fucking everything to any Brazilian metal fan my age. It was a literal game changer to a lot of us, because this was how we discovered or started really appreciating metal, since we were too young to catch on Viper in the 80s or Angra in the 90's. Other bands like Evanecscence, Nightwish and Linkin Park were also starting to become popular, so a lot of metal styles were coming around around that period.

Including a Brazilian singer that also leaned more towards a heavier sound, Pitty! That song is from her first album.

ANWYAY, BACK TO ANDRE MATOS - I'll make an exception here, and share two versions of the same song. I've shared the official videoclip with the studio recording, and below, is a very beloved live performance from 2003:

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I'm sharing both versions because they are slightly different - studio ver starts with a religious chant in latin, and the live version includes a violin, played by Marcus Viana (another conductor and a famous composer of soundtracks for Brazilian shows and movies). In the live ver you can also see Andre Matos SLAYING on the piano because dude was a literal master of his craft ksjdfhksjdf

The song starts all calm with the piano, very lullaby-like, and then BAM!, 80s METAL HAIRFLIP AND GUITARS AND EPICNESS. And then it ends how it started. It's such a beautiful track. I love it so much, such a true banger. Makes me nostalgic AF, and I love the "epic tale" nature it has.

Another personal favorite of mine from that time comes from their second album, a track called Born to Be:

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I love how it mixes mellow piano lines with heavier metal arrangements, it was kind of their thing and they did it so well! And by the way, I am aware the name of the band / cover of first album might be considered problematic nowadays?? It was the 2000s, unfortunately those things happened a lot. It's looking back into our teen years and realizing things were not as pristine as we remembered fskjdfhksd oh man. But yeah. Aside from that, the songs slap so hard, specially if you like the 80s metal feel. And speaking of the 80s music, Andre covered some pretty badass, daring songs over the years, not only but including... ..."Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" from Journey, which he recorded after he left Shaman and went solo in the late 2000s:

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I cannot affirm that for a fact, but I think this cover is sort of a "meme" because it was kind of a recurring joke that Andre Matos sang like Bruce Dickinson but looked like he was Steve Perry's "long lost son". Steve Perry was the most well-known vocalist from Journey. The "Dont Stop Believin" Journey:

(The picture above is Andre when he was like 15yo in Viper btw dfkjjsdf) And like, this is pretty fucking funny cause if you are here following my art for long enough - like REALLY, REALLY LONG ENOUGH, around 2009 deviantart -, you'll def remember me in my Journey/Steve Perry phase. And my Andre Matos phase too, it was around the same time lol

ANYWAY. BEST FOR LAST. CAUSE THE LAST IS "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" COVER. THE KATE BUSH "WUTHERING HEIGHTS". YEAH. THAT ONE.

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Madlad decided to make a metal cover of Kate Bush with this falsetto voice and he just. He just did it. DIDNT CHANGE / ADAPT THE LYRICS, EITHER. You'll hear 22 year old Andre Matos in 1993 fucking scream at the top of his lungs HEATHCLIFF IT'S ME CATHY, I'VE COME HOME, I'M SO COLD LET ME IN-A-YOUR WINDOW. And he's singing VERY VERY HIGH NOTES, this song is fucking hard to sing y'all, I'll let you know right now lol. Anyway.

Here was the Andre Matos / Angra / partial Brazilian Metal history for you, and I hope you like the song recs, and if not, I hope you enjoy the trivia at least!

Remembering his music earlier made me nostalgic, but also made me sad, bc a lot has happened ever since 2003 and the "Vampire Telenovela". I've created OCs inspired by him - it was a two-in-one sort of OC, and he's retired for over a decade now; and I didn't do much with him anyway, so no artworks to show.

And I'm seriously considering bringing his music and influence back to a more recent OC (if you read my post about me looking for a new voice to my transitioned OC, that's what I'm talking about). It's a funny way to go back to where some things started.

That (and a lot of other, unrelated stuff) made me super sad earlier.

Andre Matos left us way too soon, and like I said earlier, it's always weird remembering he's dead, because it doesnt feel like that, to me. Maybe the fact I always "forget" he's gone is because his music and influence on me as a person still lives on, which is sort of a comfort~

commission info | patreon | kofi | twitter

#music posts #andre matos #i keep bringing dead musicians into this tag its kind of depressing #but on the other hand most of you non-BR dont know about them either #so let's keep them alive #Youtube

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littlelambdrgnfly · 5 months

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Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3

#sorry if this is all over the place i'm having a migraine

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arlecchno · 1 year

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IM SO GLAD YOURE ALSO LOVING SUMMERS FIC IM LIKE ACTUALLY SO IN LOVE WITH IT (insert me going batshit insane) alsooo do look forward to more stupid banter in the middle of supposedly serious situations , they are the best and there are more . stan mcs little water creations tbh

bleh , honestly all my other writing works are old and i think pretty shitty at this point but i can link you to some if you really want (or i could write you a short story / drabble , i feel like thatd be less embarrassing on my part lmao , lmk if you want that) about my games though ... 1 2 3(WIP) the first two are well over a year old now , plus primarily unedited , so dont mind any possible grammar mistakes or generally terrible story flow (i swear ive gotten better since these 😰) and the third was also created last year (for a school project) , im slooowly chipping away at finishing the code haha ...

I ACTUALLY COMMENT ON MY OWN DOCS AS WELL !!! there arent much of them because .. well i havent wrote much outside of my private dms LOL

i also think it is insanely fun to comment on my own work

aand ive contacted my friends (aka my two and only true loves /p /hj) about the kinnie thing .. and one of them sent me this to fill out

youre not wrong actually haha , am i that easy to read ?

im an ambivert , i dont like seeking out social interaction irl unless its one of my close friends or im just that bored , but i do get really loud / energetic when i am comfortable (i think you can tell that by how much goddamn energy i put into these asks) but my "social battery" still drains relatively fast i cant handle people very well lmao honestly , my and cynos reasoning for making our terrible jokes align a bit , although most people (apart from my irl friends apparently ???) dont find me intimidating , my main motivation when i slip in puns is to get people to laugh at how terrible they are , because im well aware theyre pretty bad (or all my friends just have the same broken sense of humor i do) . but yeah , i guess now theres two people on my genshin kin list now why do i kin both of the artificial humans in the game -

lets play a game where we ask eachother random questions , so its easier to end things off lol , got a window in your room ? if so , rate the view it has !

- jellyfish

yes the summers fic is so good thank you very much for recommending me it 😖🫶

AND YOOO THOSE GAMES ARE CUTE HAHA i liked nel and akira!!! also impressive how you did 2/3 of them in scratch,, i've had very little experience with it from like a few years back when i took a computing class and damn was it hard as hell 😵‍💫😵‍💫 so kudos to you man

glad i'm not the only one who comments on my own fics on docs LMAO and like you said, it's insanely fun!!!

the way that you're technically all of the above in the bingo 😭😭😭 and that drawing is sooo pretty!£8483£!!£! is that you or an oc of yours? (either way i've been eyeing it ever since i started typing here, hehe)

sooo i basically predicted what you're like irl?

i think for the most part it's because i'm a bit similar to you in some sort of ways, i'm only ever close with my closest friends and can get tired by interacting with people sometimes 😞 but the downside is that everyone finds me scary HAHA 😭😭 my friends had told me a bunch of times on how intimidating i look, when i really just have a normal expression on my face... apparently they said i always look like i have murder on my mind 🚶‍♀️

you now have another addition to the kin list, congrats 🤗

GREAT GAME!!! i do have a window in my room but it doesn't really have a great view... i'm currently living in a shitty apartment for the time being and the only thing i see from the window of my room is my neighbour's unit from my apartment complex 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ so i'd probably give it a 3/10 T-T

now, a question for you! what's the most silliest thing that you currently own? (it can be a purchased item, a gift you got, etc)

hope you're having a great day jellyfish ^^

#h answers #jellyfish <3

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jpegjade · 4 years

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When the Party’s Over - Spencer

WHY IS THIS THE LONGEST THING IVE WRITTEN???? probably bc drunk me is wordy. i do talk a lot when i’m drunk and it gets on people’s nerves. i just really love you guys. i was sad when i wrote this, really sad, and it’s the first “smut”???? ive ever written. so here we go frens and ferns.

warnings: uuuhhhh smut???

________________

When the night started, you were at Rossi’s house, getting drunk with the team. It was right after a hard case, difficult on everyone’s psyche so Rossi invited everyone over to relax in the usual way. After pasta and drinks, most of the team was still there while Spencer offered to drive you home since you were not in the shape to drive and he was the only one who opted for water instead of alcohol. He was beat but he wasn’t in the mood to drink tonight.

Spencer was being a good friend but he had his motives. He wanted to talk to you in the car. You weren’t so drunk that you wouldn’t remember the conversation but your inhibitions were lowered enough to be truly and completely honest with him so you were the slightest bit tipsy but not drunk. You were 100% lucid and could think for yourself but you took the excuse to drink some of the smirnoff you brought and keep going.

He wasn’t planning for it to happen like this but you were being very outspoken to everyone at the party so he figured it was time to get you home before you were out of a job after calling Hotch, “Hotchner the Grouch.” They found it funny but Spencer knew that you could go wrong easily.

“Spencer Reid.” You said, staring at him. “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be as honest as I’m being right now.”

“Okay. I promise to be honest.” Spencer said, a little nervous. He chuckled anyway because you were so adamant that he answered honestly.

“Do you like me?” You asked, suddenly very serious.

“Y/n, you’re my best friend. Of course I like you.” Spencer tried to give you an answer that wouldn’t expose his real thoughts.

For the past few months, Spencer thought about you a lot. It caused him to avoid you a little bit but you wouldn’t let him stray too far away from you. You kept texting him outside of the team group chat. You continued inviting him over for dinner. You never relented on checking in with his mental health. You never gave up on your relationship with him.

You were so focused on his jawline that your hand worked by itself, poking his face. He smiled and made the turn into your apartment complex’s parking lot and parked.

“While I appreciate the validation of our friendship, that’s not what I mean and you know it.” You said, very serious.

Spencer looked over at you, nervous to answer. He swallowed and took a shaky breath.

“Y/n, is it really important?” Spencer tried to avoid the conversation.

He opened the door and got out, walking quickly around to your side of the car to open the door. He didn’t have to but he wanted to. It’s always what he did.

“Yes, it’s important, Spencer. I want to know.” You bumped shoulders with him as the two of you walked to your apartment on the third floor.

Spencer sighed.

“Yes, I like you. A lot…” You and Spencer arrived at your door, handing you your keys.

You just stood there, staring up at Spencer. You reached up to touch his hair. It was so soft… You wrapped your fingers around one of the curls and smiled. Spencer stood there, nose ghosting over yours.

“Do you want to come in?” It was barely audible but it was there.

“I shouldn’t. You’re not sober. Unless you just want to hang out.” He said, looking at his wing tip shoes.

“Spencer, get in here. I have literally been waiting almost a whole year for you to say that.” You pulled him to you by his tie and kissed him.

*****

It was tentative at first. It tasted like spearmint gum. Spencer wasn’t chewing any at the moment so you guessed that he had been chewing it earlier. You liked that. It was refreshing. Slowly, Spencer got more comfortable with the kiss and relaxed and got more involved. It was sweet and gentle and soft. You felt his hands in your hair and felt the gentle pull and you released an involuntary moan. You could feel Spencer smile, the two of you momentarily breaking apart.

Breaking apart left you speechless and in a daze. It was almost like you were in a fog but your head was clear. You were more than ready to do what you had been thinking about with Spencer for the past year. Some part of you needed this release while the other part of you needed him.

“So inside?” You said. “The apartment, I mean.”

“Yeah.” Spencer said, just as dazed.

Getting in the door was a task by itself. You and Spencer tried to go in at the same time and it was quite awkward but he let you go in first.

You closed the door behind you, pressing your back to the cold surface. Scanning Spencer’s face, you saw that he was staring at your lips.

“Do you want to continue here or should we...” He asked, looking back up at your eyes.

“You tell me. I’ll let you take control tonight.” You said, smirking.

Spencer clenched and unclenched his jaw nervously before licking his lips. You always liked when he did that. He wore chapstick but he never did it for anything other than a sign that he was thinking.

“I haven’t been in your apartment before.” He said, gingerly. He smiled as you took his hand, guiding him to your bedroom.

You grabbed your cat off the bed, putting it outside the bedroom and shooing it away. The cat sauntered around to find somewhere else to sleep.

“Are we really about to do this?” Spencer asked, looking at you on the bed.

Laying back on the bed, half of you held up by your elbows, you marveled at Spencer. The light from your hallway illuminated his silhouette very nicely. You could see the curves of his arms and his slender frame very clearly.

“Do you want to do it?” You said, tilting your head a little bit.

“Yeah, a lot.” Spencer said, shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

He had dreamed about this moment, literally, but he didn’t know he would be so nervous. He didn’t think it would ever happen. He never imagined you’d be laying in front of him like this.

“Then drop the pants and I’ll drop to my knees,” You smirked.

“Do you mind if we skip that part?” Spencer said not really in the mood for a blow job.

It wasn’t that he was opposed to it, it’s just that he didn’t want to think of you like that yet. He felt like those experiences were for days where there wasn’t much time. Tonight, you had all the time in the world.

“You’re telling me you don't want my mouth on your dick?” You said, confused.

You stood up, getting close to Spencer. You started unbuckling his belt and he audibly swallowed. He was nervous, not because of you but because he wanted this to go right. There was pressure when it came to something so intimate for the first time with someone. He felt your hands on his hips once you got his belt undone.

“Shoes on or off?” He asked.

“I’m taking my shoes off, obviously.” You said, already flipping them off. “Oh, you mean you. Well depends on what you want to do. You can bend me over the side of the bed, fuck me from behind, and call it a night. Or, if you want to draw it out, you can climb on top of me and fuck me in the bed. Oh, there’s also shower sex if you feel gross. Wouldn’t recommend it because it’s slippery and counterproductive to me getting wet.” You were rambling off some of the many fantasies and logistics that you’d thought about over the past year. You had thought about it a lot.

Spencer kissed you. He just wanted you to take a breath because the more you talked about what you thought about, the more he thought about it. And the more he thought about all the ways he wanted to make love to you, the more he just wanted to get started.

“Spencer, please pick somewhere because I’m literally struggling to keep it together.” You said in a low tone.

“Clothes off, on the bed, legs open. I’ve got you tonight, baby.” Spencer said with a little more confidence.

“Yes, sir.” You said, getting undressed.

Spencer watched you but at the same time, he got dressed down to his boxers. Staring at you, he wondered how you were able to stay so calm on the outside right now. He didn’t usually have the sex drive as high as this moment. His body was on fire with desire and excitement but he was trying so hard to contain it.

You laid down in the bed, just like Spencer told you to. He flipped on the light and you protested lightly with a groan and covered your face with both hands.

“I want to watch you come all over me and lose complete control of your body. I can’t do that in the dark.” He said, walking over to the bed.

“Well damn. Look at you, Spence. Actually showing some confidence. About damn time.” You said, smiling. You loved confident Spencer in all aspects of life, not just here. There was something about him that made you...want to be laid out in front of him, completely naked like you were now.

“I honestly don’t know where I want to start…” Spencer said. Climbing onto the bed, he did the first thing that came to mind.

“What’s your line?” He said, kissing your inner thigh, right above your knee.

“Fuck, uh…” You never really thought of it in relation to Spencer. “Just don’t kill me.” You nervously chuckled.

More thigh kisses. You wanted to grab your phone and put on some background music but it was just out of reach and Spencer’s arms looped through your legs and pinned your waist down to the bed. His grip was pretty firm.

“Spence, can we…” A deep moan cut you off and slipped out your mouth when you felt his mouth finally where you wanted him.

“Hmm?” Spencer looked up at you while his mouth went to work. The vibrations sent shockwaves up your body.

“Holy shit. More.” You said. More was what he gave you, slipping in two fingers that matched the tempo that his mouth set.

You were almost there, Spencer’s hair firmly in your hand and his name tumbling from your lips like a prayer, when Spencer slowed down and all together stopped.

“I swear to god the room better be of fire.” You said, gritting your teeth. You were so, so close and he was being a tease.

“You’re being a brat, baby. I promise I’ll give you exactly what you’re looking for.” Spencer said, looking for a towel.

“Don’t be a wuss. Kiss me.” You said, drawing his attention away from his towel search. He was nervous that you wouldn’t want to kiss him after he just went down on you. Crawling on top of you, he just stared at your features before you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him down to you.

You hated breaking apart from kissing him, you really did. It left you in a daze, making the light seem a little too bright for your eyes. He rushed over to his satchel, digging in its contents to find the condom Morgan gave him for emergency purposes as a joke one day. Who knew it would come in handy.

“Are you ready?” You asked Spencer. He chuckled.

“I was just about to ask if you were ready.” Spencer went back to being a little awkward. He was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with you.

“Spencer are you sure you don’t want me to help you out?” You asked, watching him shift as he got rid of his underwear.

“I think I’m okay.” He said, blushing.

“Okay well let me know if… Spencer, what the fuck?” You asked, looking down, between the two of you. “And you expect me to take all of that?”

“Is it bad? I know I’m not like other guys but…” Spencer grew a little shy.

“No, just work your magic because you’re different than most guys. Spence, just be confident because you are very special.” You said, hoping it helped him come back out of his shell.

“Breathe, okay? It might be a little… Much.” Spencer said, lining himself up with you.

“I’m fi…” You were cut off as he gently pushed into you. “Holy shit!” Was all you could breathe out while you tried to catch your breath. Much was an understatement with what you felt from Spencer just barely being inside of you.

He paused to let you adjust but it was tough. You could feel yourself stretching when he started moving a little more to help you relax. He took your leg and hitched it around his waist, making you gasp in shock. That was a completely new sensation that sped up your heart rate even faster, your head getting slightly dizzy.

“Stay with me, darling, okay?” He whispered in your ear.

If you weren’t all in with Spencer before, your feelings were definitely there now.

The pace he set was slow and gentle, soft and delicate like he didn’t want to break you. It was just like you imagined it. Your hands intertwined with Spencer’s as he treated you so kindly. You felt pressure just below your stomach and it was like you couldn’t do anything but shut your eyes and let your body feel it.

“Just keep breathing, okay? It makes it last longer.” Spencer said, trying to stay focused. His brain was going through the female anatomy but he wanted to stay focused. He opened his eyes as he continued pushing himself in and out of you. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable, taking his right hand and moving his thumb over your cheek. You looked so soft under him.

“Faster.” You whimpered, the only thing you could manage.

Everything felt nice, it felt comfortable. You were comfortable with Spencer. You thought it would be hotter, more dramatic when you would imagine it. You imagined him grabbing your hips and plunging himself into you until your body was exhausted and used. But that’s not how it worked.

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, quietly. He was going faster and a bit harder, making it very hard for you to concentrate.

“I’m…” You couldn’t think of the answer. You couldn’t think at all right then.

“You’re doing such a good job, love. Just relax, I’ve got you.” Spencer kissed you on the forehead before shifting your leg a bit higher on his hip. That ignited something inside of you that was hard to turn off.

Your body was on pins and needles. You felt your body shaking as you held onto Spencer’s hand. He kissed you, soft and slightly frenzied. He was chasing his own release so quickly. Everything moved so smoothly between the two of you.

Spencer’s body rolled into yours like the ocean, and you were the beach. His waves rushed into your shore over and over, filling you with pleasure you couldn’t find on your own. He was kissing your neck, marking you with sweet mumbles of, “I’m all yours.”

“Spence…” Another instance of being unable to think or speak clearly.

“I know, I know. And I want you to let it go for me. Be good for me and let go, y/n. I’m right here.” He said, kissing you deeply.

Spencer pushed into you a little sloppier, trying to stay composed but it was a challenge. He wanted to make sure you rode out your high, which you were definitely doing. Your body was shaking and you were out of it a little bit as you came down. Spencer finished in the condom and kissed you so many times that you lost count. Your cheeks, your neck, your lips, forehead, nose, lips again.

“Spencer, that was… That was nice.” You said, opening your eyes. He was smiling over you, shaking a little bit. You weren’t sure if his arms were tired or if he felt like you did. You hoped to god that he felt like you did. It worked out so well up to this point.

He rolled off of you, standing up to get that towel to clean you up. He saw the bathroom door cracked open so he slipped the condom off and put his star trek underwear back on as he went into the bathroom and warmed up a small towel and grabbed a big towel.

“I got aftercare towels.” He said, walking back into the room.

You had curled up into yourself, laying down on your side, as you fell asleep slowly. You heard him come back into the room and smiled as he cleaned you up and helped you put a t-shirt on. Putting the towels in your wastebasket, he flipped the overhead light off and came back around to the opposite side of the bed and gently nudged you to let him hold you.

“How do you feel?” Spencer asked, nuzzling his head into the crook between your shoulder and your neck.

He felt so warm on your back like that, holding you tight. You felt safe and secure.

“Spence, I love you.” You mumbled, just loud enough for him to hear.

“I love you too, y/n,” Spencer said, falling asleep himself.

________________

taglist:

@i-love-you-green

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid smut

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lilacandladybugs · 3 years

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hey since youre talking about christianity, i was wondering if you could answer a question ive been curious about. if god cares about people and if jesus died for our sins, then why does hell exist? and if god cares about us then why did he let so much bad stuff happened in his name, and even cause it, like with the noah’s arch story?

sorry if any of this is wrong ive never read the bible, but ive had bad experiences with christianity in the past and the way you talk about it seems much nicer than the way i know it

I don’t think I can answer this question in a way that doesn’t come across as pretentious or like I’m asking for an argument or just being straight up unsatisfying. But I just am going to try anyway because i'm hoping that maybe this will be comforting or helpful to someone. I’m sorry if this is offensive I am really trying my best, please take this all in the best possible way and be gracious with me

The thing about this ask is that it’s actually a bunch of different questions, and since each of them individually is really hard to answer so I’m going to narrow it down to just one ( im sorry ;-; ) . The one I’ve thought about the most is “Why does God let bad things happen if he loves us?”

When this question first really occurred to me, I was already a believer. So I was already pretty convinced that God exists logically, from the perspective of history, philosophy, science, and my personal experience. I believed in the /existence/ of the God who is represented in the scriptures. (I doubt anyone wants it but I can give you a list of resources if you want to look into any of that.) The struggle for me was whether or not all that evidence held true in the face of this moral dilemma; the problem of evil in the presence of a loving God.

But I just couldn’t turn my back on the concept of a moral grounding in God. I had a philosophy professor tell me that people are mortal and so we shouldn’t grieve them like they’re immortal, that grief is a choice, and that trauma is a choice. I respected her so much, but I just couldn’t accept that. There’s nothing more unsettling to me than suggesting that cruelty and death and suffering are only wrong because you think they are, and not because they’re violating sacred ancient laws. My friends dying, people hurting me, that isn’t just in my head. It’s /real/. They’re really dead, and it really matters. People really did something wrong when they hurt me, and it isn’t my fault for being hurt. It’s their fault for being cruel. And their cruelty is objectively morally wrong.

I realized that if I became an atheist I would have to accept the fact that there isn’t /objectively/ any difference between right and wrong. There isn’t any theoretical “right way” that the world should be. But to me, there is a right way it should be. There is a right way and it was lost because of sin.

It was I guess comforting that Christianity provided the premises I needed to ask a question like this. Evil exists. And love exists. So how can God exist? What a comforting question, in a way. To get to grieve, to be angry, to wonder what’s going on, to want things to be different. It was validating i guess

Don’t get me wrong i was FURIOUS i was so angry. I was so angry and so conflicted I kind of thought I might just like rip apart at my seams but I just felt caught between a rock and a hard place to be either abandoned by God or to not even be able to think about my experiences in a way that felt coherent.

He showed up though. I remember swearing at him, and laying up at night thinking he wasn’t there, I told him I wouldn’t have to have trauma if he would’ve stepped in, that my friends wouldn’t be dead, that he let it happen to me, that he just /witnessed/ it. And man idk he just showed up. He showed up every time. I almost walked away like five times that summer. And every time he sent someone, there was always someone that showed up and talked to me like out of nowhere. Or music, or scripture, or something someone said in passing.

The night that it was really bad was when I realized that the only person who could save me was God and I cried out to him, and I just idk I’ve never been so desperate. I went to church the next day against my will and the sermon felt like it was written for me specifically. I cried through the whole thing.

If God is goodness, then how can I say he isn’t with me and around me constantly? In the sunrise and sunset, in the stars, in flowers, and in kind words. In sermons. In friends and family. In all the coincidences that stopped me from becoming an atheist, all of the answered prayers and the impossibilities. That’s why my side blog is called @in-the-whisper. Because I felt him there, even though it hurt, he was with me in the quiet and in the silence, in his whisper in a thousand different ways.

I was posed this question by someone who was there for me in one of those moments where I almost walked away from God, “Is sufficiency abundant?” I guess I thought it was. Where was God? In the peace that surpasses understanding. In the knowledge that everything is finished, that he died for us, that he didn’t abandon us. That whatever terrible things happen, he was willing to take all of the consequences for that onto himself in the person of Jesus. That one day he will set things right, even though it isn’t right right now.

It comes down to the Gospel (good news, core story of the Christian faith); humanity actively chose to walk away from God in an act of rebellion. We had free will because God created us tenderly to be in a loving relationship with him, and loving relationships must be based on free will and they must be two way. So he let us walk away from him, and away from the sustainer of life our bodies break, our world crumbles, and we die. In order to bridge that gap, he chose to die in our place, so that we could re enter that free will relationship with him if we so choose. He died on the cross, descended into hell, and then in three days he rose from the grave, defeating death. And one day he will return on a white horse to rescue us and to take the world back as his own. If I believed that to be true, then I believed in the greatest intervention in human history that has ever occurred. The God of the Bible isn’t a distant God, "God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him." 1 John 4:9 He did the unthinkable for us.

Living in light of the gospel helped me to understand the way that God is present in my life, my present, past, and in my future. It gave me peace. When Horatio G. Spafford’s two daughters and wife died in a shipwreck, he wrote this,

“When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul."

“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control: that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed His own blood for my soul.

“My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought. My sin, not in part, but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

“And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight The clouds be rolled back as a scroll The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend Even so, it is well with my soul!

“It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.”

I don’t have an answer for your question. What I know is that I am willing to rest in the knowledge of my personal experiences and my research that God exists, that he is loving, and that he is powerful, just, and wise. Even the winds and the seas obey him, the mountains are like pebbles to him, thunder rolls at the sound of his voice. He had thought before time began, he gave all knowledge and all wisdom to us.

Why do bad things happen also brings up the question, why do good things happen? Who do we have to thank when we get up in the morning and can see or hear or move or are alive in general? Why are we so blessed as to have two days and not just one? Where do mornings and complexity and beauty and wonder come from? They come from him. Not because we need it, but because he wants to give it to us. Enjoyment, existence, love, laughter, thought, beauty, heartbreak. The world is just as beautiful as it is terrible, and why should it be beautiful? Because he wants it to be that way.

God is so patient. He is so patient and kind and powerful, and he wants to hear your questions. Some of them, like this one, are in my opinion something that you have to talk to him about directly. He gives us thought and logic and reason and wisdom, and he asks for us to engage him. He will answer.

If any believers are reading this, I want you to know that it is enough to cry out to him in pain. It is enough to want to want to believe in him. He would so much rather hear from you in your anger than never hear from you at all. Seek him out, he will find you. He will chase after you.

I bet that he would chase after me, bet my life on it. I might not know the answer, but I am confident enough in what I do know that I’m willing to bet my existence that God will come true on his promises, that he will deliver me, that everything will be okay, that he is bigger than my trauma, and that he will hold me.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 12 You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord’s renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever.” Isaiah 55:8-13

And I’m holding him to that promise.

#christianity #religion #christianity tw #religion tw #god #grief #grief tw #ask to tag #anon #this is definitely insufficient and im sorry #this is all i have to offer right now #its a hard thing to articulate ig #not mcyt

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wildestmustang · 3 years

Text

To those from the next generations who might read it as but a childish fable and not a social criticism. Good read.

Prologue [Page 3]

Part I: The Colour Carmine Red [Page 4]

Part II: The Suicide Of The Mother Of Us All [Page 6]

Part III: The Eulogy [Page 12]

Part IV: The Funeral Pyre [Page 14]

Part V: Dancing Of Gavels [Page 15]

Part VI: DIE TO LIVE [Page 19]

Part VII: Agony In The Garden Of Gethsemane [Page 20]

Epilogue [Page 23]

SHELTER

Prologue:

-- Adam's a living proof of condescending being with opulence in the heart and tyranny in the mind, praying vehemently to the altar of himself.

Part I: The Colour Carmine Red

At the crossroads, there was I, puffing on the cheapest spliff my money could buy at the time, walking by the edges of the ledges of a terraced vicarage out west of the retograde City Of Atrocities. -- which was shrouded in darkness altogether -- where the dazzling sun never shone upon. When suddenly I witnessed a orphaned, fully-fledged, gold-feathered pheasant offspring right under the pale moonlight -- he was astonished by its ethereal incandescence; which was the sun in disguised burning through her; captivated by the blackout and somewhat slightly aghast too -- crawling up the thatched-roof of a broken cottage house a few kilometers away of where I was, in pursuit of a sort of a shelter -- the wreckage in-between the dormers I supposed -- situated right on the halfway to the peak of roof. But It didn't take too long for a belligerant bird of prey colour the fragile pheasant in carmine red all through and through like a oil painting of white Ophelia floating, lifeless, upon the puddle of her own blood. The roof itself was littered with carcasses of all kinds of pheasants scattered all over. -- tracing a curvilinear trail to the intangible shelter where none of them ever stepped into and ever will.

"Oh, my dearest, dearest, pheasant! I'd wish I had swaddled you in a comfy cloath, and thereafter I'd wish I had cradled you in my forearms like a helpless baby ultil you had fallen into a celestial slumber of no return, whilst a choir of sparrows would be singing a lullaby for thee. I'd wish we could've had flown to the highest height that any bird or any or any man can reach, over the railway station of life until the train of death comes and takes you away from me. Fly in peace, my dearest darling" I murmured to myself wiping the mob of poisonous tears welling right up to the edges of my nightshade eyes.

Part II: The Suicide Of The Mother Of Us All

One day in the quiet of the night I saw the theophany of Madame Hope -- The Mother Of Us All -- leant up against on my wall, voluptuously wrapped in a flyaway darkish-blue nightgown of satin. -- as stupendous as the shining of the Hope Diamond, a blue gemstone framed by an oval pendant of 16 smaller diamonds.

"Listen, dear Adam, listen. Freedom's a sort of unorthodox religion built upon love and not fear. To fear is blasphemous, to fear is a deathful sin. But, at least, some of it may be enough to fuel every fiber of your rectilinear body with fury and wrath to withstand this ongoing odyssey you are in.". She, persuasively, whispered those wise words through the frigid breeze of New York jolting me awake like the screaming of a rooster at sunrise from the coma I was in, and at that very moment I felt the stormy sea of self-doubts in my war-torn mind boiling off like it wasn't even swallowing me. The rhetoric was her foil and she fought like the most clever of the sophists.".

"A feast of fears undoubtedly provided Gilgamesh -- a king of Uruk from the ancient Babylonia -- days and nights of resilience to keep on seeking out his unattainable immortality until his conformity killed him."

"Freedom's a religion where in its followers pilgrimages through the negro streets outside the City Of Atrocities, barefoot, aimlessly -- with a short-faced bear's strength -- oblivious to the obstacles along the road beneath their feet, heading into an eternal search for a shelter far away from the factories of sterotypes and the irksome peddlers of false dichotomies -- heading into an eternal odyssey in search of an utopian progress which still being an ideology."

"Mother..." I replied clutching onto my blanket and the sheets underneath it, as hard as I could, but they weren't meant to shield me against the truth, I just pretended they could. "I, Adam, shall take control over people's minds to dethrone the kings of iniquities and bring peace into this world. I was born to wear a crown, or at least take the power thereof, and I will.". And I really took for granted I could do it without love and hope, just clutching onto my blanket and sheets.

Subsequently, I watched the silhouette of Madame Hope, walking towards the largest window in the chamber, step by step, and then throwing herself out of the Hemisphere House building -- where I used to live back in the day. And suddenly half of the one whom once I used to be had perished into nothingness. Melt into oblivion. Wiped out from the matrix, therefore, just a mythological figure lost to history.

And as an afterthought I realized she was the branch and I was just a immature persimmon clinging onto it.

Part III: The Eulogy

"My beloved mother, I must bathe my crow quill feather pen into a black ink bottle and unto you write one of my most sorrowful eulogies, sitting before thy funeral pyre as the flow of kerosene tears trickle down my scarlet cheeks eating the bitterness off my skin -- in order to nurse this exquisite pain of mine which squeezes my dying heart in its fist like a very stiff sailor's hitch, unable to be undone.

"O sweet serial killer who slaughtered my hopes! I solemnly swear one day I'll get out of all these tiny boxes which I shrunk myself to fit in. Je t'aime, moma, adieu. Rest in peace" I wrote it like it was the last feeling of mine I would ever depict from there on, but even the most disdainful child of all the trivialities surrounding her wouldn't have believed it.

Part IV: The Funeral Pyre

"Wherefore dost thou left me when I needed you the most, my dear? Now here I am sailing through the seas of uncertainty on my loneliness as the fluttering flames of thy funeral pyre corrode every atom belonging to you into mist.

Part V: Dancing Of Gavels

“Mother, I am the one who killed those pheasants from the news. -- the one against whom their fathers swore to take vengeance on -- I bludgeoned one by one to death with no remorse whatsoever. Mother, I'm one in a myriad of scoundrel vultures, one in a myriad of hunters of fragile creatures, I'm a repulsive collector of blood-stained feathers and other unpleasant things."

" And now I am sinking my sharpen-pointed claws into my own chest to pluck rib by rib off my sternum as a prelude to break this hollow egg-shell heart of mine free, whose rage holds hostage pounding against my ribcage. -- abstained from love, abstained from warmth."

“Mother, I've done unpardonable things. I really did. I devoured them all like putrid meant to satisfy this voracious appetite I have, and I ate their cheap dreams like carrions. -- I shouldn't have done it by the way -- And now I can't get away from this anymore, I can't flit from hideout to hideout and call them home sweet home. Now, I must confess, I must surrender. By rights, I should knee below a guillotine and feel its lozanged blade making its way down my neck."

“No doubt I am a complex being deserving of each wicked epithet given to me. Either I confess all of the loathsome crimes I committed or I will live in this perpetual state of fear -- an untamed fear of being handcuffed by the Pinkertons, sentenced to death in the courtroom of life by the supreme pontiff; and executed by the Almighty Lord for the lots of pheasants I've killed -- until my very last day. So, mother, I MUST CONFESS NOW. I am phantom shackled to this decomposing corpse unable to rest., laying in wait within my own coffin until the dancing of gavels begin.”

Part VI: DIE TO LIVE

I MUST DIE TO LIVE!

Part VII: Agony In The Garden Of Gethsemane

“Rely upon me from now on, I've already paved inch by inch of your way right back home. So follow me. As long as you live there will always have a place to be from and you need to search for it from the inside out, you can't get to it from the outside in.”

"Regardless how cliché it may seem to be, thou canst not escape from having to always have been, although thou looketh at thy inner self seeking after futile subterfuges to."

“Life goes on, my dearest Adam, so don't you ever say to me again you must die to live, EVER again.” seeped a sweet dreamlike voice out of the cosmos — which belonged to my beloved mother — beckoning me to cross through the threshold of Gethsemani to grieve and supplicate in agony -- like the Virgin Mary depicted in La Pietà -- to the Almighty for THE SAKE of my mixed-up mind, the so-called shelter, where I belong to and I always will.

Epilogue:

“At length, I feel vividly how it's like to be free. Goddam, I am...so free.”

Written by Andrew O'Keefe

#reading #poemsociety #shelter #adam and eve #renascence #michelangelo #kindle books #lana del rey #body electric #poetssociety #poets on tumblr #freedom

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liquor-and-intellect · 5 years

Text

PREHISTORIC PART 3

Summary: Talia is a singer inspired by the man who broke her heart. The man who left her to pursue his career in the music industry without a second thought. The man who happens to be Harry Styles and is paying her show a visit.

part one part two

“I’m really glad you came…” Harry started, holding the door open for me to enter. “I-uh… I didn’t think you were going to come.”

I walked into the small hotel room. It wasn’t as lavish as I expected someone of his esteem to have—and maybe that was the bitter part of me that was speaking.

He stood there nervously as I surveyed the room. The bed with one side messed up, the open laptop laying on top of the sheets and a small suitcase open with a few folded clothes inside. It all was extremely modest and not how I had let my mind run rampant for the last few years about how he traveled.

I let my eyes leave the open laptop to land on him. “I honestly didn’t think I was going to either… but I…” I looked down sheepishly.

He nodded, understanding. “You couldn’t sleep, could you?” There was a small smile playing on his lips, as if reminiscing the times I sat up pacing because of a song on my mind, or turning in bed because of a fight we had. Rest didn’t exist in my vocabulary.

Shaking my head, I let myself give a tentative smile back. “No, I couldn’t.”

He stared at me for a beat longer, before catching himself. Harry cleared his throat and motioned to the bed for me to sit. “Sit, please,” he suggested. “do you want water… or coffee?” He shifted his weight nervously to his other foot.

I folded a leg underneath myself as I sat. “This isn’t an interview, Harry,” I reminded him, trying to ease the tension but coming off a bit critical.

He sat himself in a chair across from me at the small dinner table, placing his hands in his lap. He said, “I’m nervous like it is though.”

“Me too.”

“I’m sorry,” he breathed. “nothing could ever make up for how I treated you. I should never have left you like that. I should have fought harder for us… Fuck, I should have done so much more because you fucking deserved better.”

I froze in my spot. Tears were brimming in my irises, blurring the image of the nervous man in front of me. His words pulled a weight off my chest that had been resting there every time the memory of him came to the front of my mind. For so long, I assumed he didn’t care. It was the only logical explanation to how someone could leave me without a thought.

“Did you really love me?” I asked before I could stop myself.

His brow furrowed in such a quizzical way, as if the question was so absurd. “Of course,” he murmured. “how could I not have? I think after we dated for so long, I just assumed you would always be there. No matter how shitty I treated you.” He looked down and pursed his lips at the memory of it. “It wasn’t fair of me to do that. I was just so young and immature.”

I sniffled, leaning my hands behind me to rest my weight on them. As I did, my arm hit the open laptop, causing the screen to light up and a song to pick up in the middle of pop chorus.

“Shit-“ Harry began, standing up as a female voice began playing through the speaker.

“I swear, I will wake up next to you,” it sang and I froze. The melody was beautiful and her voice was… haunting.

Harry fumbled, trying to reach over me to turn off the laptop but he couldn’t get to it before the song continued in its hypnotic way.

Right when he was about to press pause, I heard the cracked pleading of the singer say my name.

“Talia, I hope you’re happy any way

But four drinks I’m wasted.”

I sat up straight, my head snapping to where Harry was frozen leaning over the bed, hand hovering mid-air about to pause the song. “No one will know I wrote it, I swear,” he whispered.

I put my hand on top of his, lowering it away from the computer. The contact seemed to startle him a bit as both of our skins lit on fire. “Please let me hear it,” I said lowly. “start it over.”

And he did.

I don’t know if it was because it said all the things he didn’t know how to voice or because he knew arguing with me over this wouldn’t be worth it, but he started the song over. Leaving me to sit completely still except for the tears that ran their course down my face.

I knew these lyrics were his. I was up too many nights with him writing to not recognize it by now. His narrative had always and will always be recognizable to me.

Listening to the song, I felt the air shift around us. It answered all the questions I had been wondering for two years. Did he care? Was he effected? Was it easy for him to walk away?

I could hear the desperation in the singer’s voice as she sang, but I knew the soul was resonating from the lyrics. The words that Harry wrote, the words that were too damn personal for him to publish as his own.

As the song came to an end, I covered my mouth with my hand, attempting to stifle the sob that wanted to escape and never stop. The grief for what we had had been shoved down so far, only released in the angsty ballads I would write.

I nodded to the questions I could feel hovering between us. “I believe you,” I cried.

It was those words that caused his shoulders to drop, as if this whole time he had been acting a part of having it semi-together. Tears escaped from his closed eyelids, making their way down his cheeks to sheets below us.

I couldn’t help it anymore. I closed the distance and gathered him up in my embrace, letting his head rest against my shoulder. His arms closed around my middle so tightly I swore there would never be a way to separate us ever again.

We cried together. Mourning the loss of our relationship, the loss of a beautiful friendship—but also the sweet relief of closure, of confirmation, of anger being lifted from between us. I had been so angry when I saw him tonight, because he had left so many questions unanswered. Yet here we were.

I spoke too soon, but it was the last question I needed answered. “What now?” I whispered against his hair. “What do you want from this?”

He breathed a sigh of relief. “I’ll take whatever you’ll give me.” His voice was muffled, lips against my neck. “I just know I can’t live without you in my life anymore.”

That was all I needed to remove the space of air separating us. I grabbed his face in my hands and pulled his mouth to my own, relishing in the feeling of his such familiar lips. It had literally been fucking years, but I knew the most comfortable way to kiss him was by letting my top lip rest near his cupid bow’s as his pressed into my lower one.

I tugged it between my teeth, my body completely melting as he let out a groan that sounded as if it took two years of anticipation to create. I pressed as close as I could to him, cursing fucking physics because I wanted to destroy every atom that separated us for the last two years until now.

Harry pushed me back until my back hit the mattress, a breath escaping my mouth as his lips traveled to my neck, peppering soft kisses there, sucking and pulling at my jawline.

He murmured into my ear, “How far do you want to go?”

It wasn’t his lips pressed against the shell of my ear that gave me chills, but the fucking consent.

“Take me.”

And that’s all I had to tell him.

There was no teasing, no foreplay. Harry gently lifted my shirt over my head before working on my pants, taking his time as his eyes examined every inch of my skin. He peppered kisses against my wrists as I reached for his shorts, letting me ease them across his long legs.

He stared down at me. “You look so different but-“

“- exactly the same?” I finished, smirking up at him as he nodded, blushing a bit.

He shook his head. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he continued, running his hands down my bare chest and torso. “you’re so different from the Talia I once knew. More resilient…refined… I love it.” He took a breath. “I love you.”

A sob racked my chest as I forced his lips back down to my own.

“I never thought I’d hear that again,” I murmured into the space our lips created when we pulled back to catch a breath. “But I love you too.”

There wasn’t this awkward moment where we had to relearn each other’s bodies. I think the most magical thing about it was the simple fact that the chemistry had been there—despite the years that separated out last encounter.

When Harry entered me, a gasp escaped my lips. Not of surprise, but in the way of satisfaction because no other man had filled me up like he did. No one could compare to the way his body rolled into mine. The mesmerizing way his shoulder blades moved beneath the skin under my fingertips. The way that I felt breathless because of the fan of kisses he planted across my face before placing lips back to my own.

Harry’s hips continued to knock against my own, the rhythm slower than the quickies I was used to. It was more meaningful, as if each stroke into me was saying something that his tongue couldn’t make sense of—and it all added up to the final conclusion: I love you, I love you, I love you.

His grunts became quicker as his stomach tensed above mine. “Are you close?” he said breathlessly, as if any sudden movement would bring about his undoing.

I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him deeper into me to hit the spot where I knew only he could touch. Nodding, I bit the skin underneath his earlobe, wanting my love bite to be present for the world to see tomorrow.

There was a familiar bubble building in my stomach and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I climaxed. The way his sweaty body was hitting my own would be enough to set me off right there, but I held on as long as I could to enjoy the sweetness of this moment in all its complexity.

Harry’s breath hitched. “Shit- Tal…” Sloppy hip thrusts. “I’m about to- “

That was all it took for me. Seeing the man above me come completely undone unraveled the array of butterflies in my stomach as pleasure eased its way into my bloodstream like an IV. My whole body lit on fire as I sank into the mattress, feeling the slight pulsating of his member inside of me.

Harry collapsed on top of me, chest pressed against my own, breathing in tune with my lungs.

I let my hands run down his back, stroking the warm skin slightly as he clutched my torso. “I don’t know where I expected tonight to go,” he began. “but being inside of you at 5 a.m. was not it.”

I chuckled, my breath blowing the hair off of his forehead.

He stilled. “I missed the sound of your laugh. Almost as much as I missed seeing you leaned over a guitar singing random words to make sense of your emotions.”

I smiled at that memory. “I’ve found a much better way to songs write these days.” I said.

His head tilted up to look at me. “Is that so?”

“Yeah,” I grinned. “it’s called unhealthily bottle up your emotions until they just kind of overflow.”

His lips pulled up at the corners as he closed his eyes. “Oh, love… you haven’t changed, have you?”

I let the silence pass for a minute, enjoying his body tangled up with my own. “Did you ever write any songs about me?” I finally asked.

Harry sat up, hovering over me to make sure he could meet my gaze. “Have you not listened to any of my music?”

“No.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “Two Ghosts, Ever Since New York, From the Dining Table… I could go on, love but you’ll have to buy an album.”

I swatted him playfully. I had avoided the album when it was released—except for the few tracks I heard hit the radio. It had been too hard to hear his voice.

He laid his head back down on my chest. Intertwining our fingers together, he hummed to himself. A distant melody that I didn’t recognize but fell in love with all the same.

We fell asleep like that.

…

I was welcomed with a nice surprise when I opened my eyes to an empty bed in a hotel room. I could hear a distant muffle of Harry’s voice—possibly in the bathroom—talking quietly on the phone. There was a small stream of light from underneath the curtain. My heart warmed when I noticed the clips from the closet’s clothes hangers tightly grasping on the curtains as to not let light shine through.

I stretched my arms above my head, taking a glance at the alarm clock to see it was well within the afternoon.

A door shut.

“Good morning, love.” A sleepy Harry rounded the corner, still shirtless but this time adorning boxers on his lower half. His hair was mussed as he ran his hand through it, leaning against the wall. “I was just changing my flight plans.”

I frowned. “When do you leave?”

“Tonight.”

It wasn’t that I thought he would stay in this hotel room with me forever, but I hadn’t considered the thought that he would be leaving so soon. We really hadn’t thought past getting through last night.

“You can come with me, you know?” he asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

My brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I can’t just leave.”

Harry leaned onto the bed, crawling his way to me until he hovered above me, eyes shining with mischief. He spoke as if it was the biggest secret to the universe, his voice low, he said, “Open for me. On tour. Never leave my side.”

I didn’t expect my own reaction, but I let an infectious smile creep onto my face, brightening up my cheeks and leaving a sparkle in my eyes. I knew I still had to talk to the boys, but for now, my answer was:

“Okay.”

A few people said they wanted a tag list for this story. There will be only one more part, but if you want to be tagged, feel free to message me (after you reblog of course ;))

#harry styles imagine #Harry Styles #harry styles ff #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles angst #angst #harry x singer #harry styles imagines #short story #love story #celebrities #prehistoric

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sixcastappreciation · 5 years

Text

sixcago gave me my gay rights

alternative title: review of the evening sixcago show on july third

this is like almost 4k and its mostly just rambling but i need to express how much i love sixcago

like at least half of this is just me being gay so i bolded some of the things that i found really interesting and isnt just me like, freaking out

so to start off: holy shit. the energy of the entire show was amazing, it was really funny and fun and the acting/dancing/singing was on point like i cant think of a single complaint on the part of any of them.

so to get into the actual show

ex wives

when the curtain came up and the smoke started pouring out i actually felt my soul leave my body it was such a good moment

less than thirty seconds in brittney mack made eye contact with me and i swear to god my heart stopped and i honestly had trouble focusing on the rest of the song

i am not exaggerating that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth

shes............. literally so good im still shaking as i write this like three hours later

the third repetition of the rhyme where they all sound kinda pissed off? they nailed that

adrianna was so cute when she said “you wont try that again”

andrea holy shit. thats really a wrap on that

abby got that like, kinda head in the clouds thing that i feel like is janes Brand during this part

when he saw my portrait he was like JaaAAaaa

i love brittney mack

courtney knew what she was doing with that prick line. get it girl

anna has the most angelic voice i swear to god

the six of them work really well together on stage???? like i know its all choreo and stuff but you could Feel the energy that they had together it was good

oh man the choreo for the end. im so gay

intro thingy:

adrianna with that riff!!!!! we stan

annas face after “herstory” was iconic. she knew what she had done wrong

you couldnt hear the intro for maggie bc people were cheering so loud

the way adrianna says maria made me gay

abby also knows what she had to say. she knows how cursed janes sense of humor is and she was really playing it up

protestent............ protestant

“we’ll tell you what you want what you really really want” this made me laugh so hard i dont rly remember the next like thirty seconds because i was dying

“the biggest.... the firmest......... the fullest..............” im. i cant

no way

“maria” AGAIN adrianna please. please i cant handle it

“OH muy bien aHHah” not to be Lesbian On Main but fuck this was so cute

her emotion during the monologue was SO funny

it was peak, it was so good

she really gets it. i dont totally know what it is but this aragon monologue gets it

when she said “really trying” she did like, a motion. i cant go into more detail but Fuck

so after “move me into a convent” everyone like, gathered around aragon and adrianna did a

well idk what youd call it but a like

her entire torso swung around in a huge circle right before “i dont think i’d look that good in a wimple”

and idk what it was but that part just made me Lose It

adrianna had this way of making it all a little funnier?

like catherine is usually pretty Serious, i think but it felt like adrianna knew she was playing a character who was Like That, if you will, and was kinda leaning into breaking the fourth wall a little

i can probably elaborate if that doesnt make sense

you say its a pity cos quoting leviticus ill end up kiddiless all my life

she said that with such conviction goddamn

oh, he doesnt remember

this was so good

the “sh-”s were really funny

the fucking. i dont know what it is but the *ting*

holy shit

i cant put into words

how much i loved that part

the pause after “i’ll go” was............ expansive

i just checked it was 10 whole seconds

that doesnt sound long but it felt like forever

she went high on “end of my life” and thank u for mine adrianna hicks

the amount of no’s was impressive and im heart eyes for it

adrianna just had really good stage presence

like i caught myself looking at her during the dance breaks of all the songs when i wasnt looking at brittney

it was just so fun to watch her go!

dluh

during the intro of like “yeah, you know, the really important one” andrea was doing some Dumb Shit in the background

like i dont know exactly what it was but she was just like

idk like noodling around in the back

and i caught her eye and she like, smiled a little

the gasps the rest of them did were....... cute

then andrea busted out a full on fucking witches cackle

then she stuck her tongue out and looked like she was taking a selfie and it was so cute

like, her tongue was OUT

“not my thing” had the BIGGEST uwu energy of anything ive ever heard

i thought people were kidding when they said andrea boleyn had uwu energy

they were not

pret a manger barely came across as a real line it was more like, an experience

the sorry not sorry choreo. its so funny and cute and simultaneously cursed

the way andrea delivered her lines here was just

it was like, cutesy and fun but also kind of cursed

uwu

when she said “are you blind” andrea like, gestured to herself, in a like “look how hot i am” kinda way

which might be the standard? either way it made me laugh a lot

don’t be bitter/cos im fitter was the only line in the entire production said with a british accent and it fucking slayed me on sight one hit ko

i actually like that they changed “mate, what was i meant to do” to “wait, what was i meant to do” because

it implies that anne had no other train of thought than the one she was on and thats very funny to me

i think it fits w andreas portrayal too

everyone was like, fake crying when anne fake walked down the aisle and it was really funny imo

and as soon as she got to the end anne like, turned, yk?

bro just shut up

the entire audience gasped after that

andrea had actual like, panic on her face

then she led into “i guess he just really liked my head”

and there was a beat after that, where everyone laughed

it was long enough that everyone got the joke

then she mimed the blow job

her riff on “hell”? iconic

“wait, didnt you actually die” no jane she was beheaded but she was fine

abby seymour said dumbass rights she has the Dumbest Bitch energy god

“catherine of aragon had tragically died” catch adrianna looking like, yeah it was so sad for me, how terrible, right?

then boleyn goes off

the. fury, passion, anger, zest, contained in andreas “MASSIVE-”

“over my dead body” andrea gave her this look like, youre damn right it will be

heart of stone

oof

okay so the monologue

oof

“i was lucky. okay, i was really lucky” o o f

“edwina” is still cursed tho

i dont know what it was about this. i dont know if it was abby, or the dialogue, or just it being live but

this made it clear that jane had been Through It

like, this monologue came across (to me at least) as unquestionably a “woman who was abused trying to justify it to herself” kind of situation

“and that’s not because i was scared,” she said, wearing an absolutely terrified expression

this is where she started tearing up i think

okay i gotta take a moment here because

abby was fully crying before the song even started

like somewhere about halfway through her monologue she started tearing up

i was looking for it specifically

i wrote this before the last part so see above

so by the first fucking like of hos you could hear her voice breaking

holy shit ms meuller what the fuck

im not kidding who gave her the right

at the stagedoor she said that after this she was like, “well thats it for my makeup” when someone complimented her song

she is crying. the first chorus and she is actively crying. in the breaks between her lyrics you can hear her crying

abby went high on a couple of notes in here

she riffed on “truthfully” and it was, wow

she didnt go for the whistle tones which was, honestly? the most relatable thing in this entire show

but a couple of the other notes she went high on and they were so killer

there was a second or two of pause after the end where everyone just, absorbed things before the applause

i have some questions for abby about this actually because i dont know if its just because the monologue was different than im used to but

i just want to know if abby meant to have everything come off like That but god

the mental gymnastics jane is doing here are so intense

this performance genuinely changed how i listen to hos forever

i dont think i can ever peacefully listen to this song again

this song gave me so many layered emotions thank u abby mueller

haus of holbein

hans................................. *holbein*

the chaos

i honestly barely remember most of it it was

i had no idea who to be looking at

but i remember it being beautiful

i dont have the words to express how

fucking funny it was

the accents were hilarious

like they werent great german accents, but that made it far better

they were leaning into the ridiculousness of it all

the way abby said “but we cannot guarantee that you’ll still walk at forty” had me on the ground

ive spent the last 24 hrs trying to figure out exactly why it was so funny and i think i got it

she dropped the german accent

and she straight up sounded like she was reading off the side effects of a pharmaceutical ad on tv

the freeze frame? legendary

anna and courtney (im pretty sure?) managed to look so genuinely offended that henry swiped left on them

your highness your highness your highness

god adrianna please

actually every h sound that came out of their mouths

but adrianna Got It

get down

oh god i gotta talk about “didnt live up to his expectations”

brittney like, half took off her jacket and gestured to her body and like, body rolled a bit and honestly? i was fucking dead

the sarcasm really jumped out here. brittney went off in the best way possible

she was fully fake sobbing right before “tragic”

fucking legend

brING me some pheasant!

the woof line is always a good moment but their facial expressions really made it work here

this song has the most outwardly complex choreo (ofc i cant speak to its actual difficulty) and every single one of them crushed it

brittney made eye contact w me again on “looking cute” and im deceased

oh god after “take my fur” she whispered “thank you. honestly” and gestured to herself again and like, i was dying

iirc brittney was like, skipping across the stage or something on “i look more rad” and snapped into position for “lutheranism”

we gotta take a moment to appreciate the operatic talent of that one “get down you dirty rascal” instead of the slo mo

like, ofc the slo mo is a good moment but

brittney went full opera and it was,

wow

shes got a voice on her holy shit

so much talent in such a tiny body

aCHYEAH

she picked the person sitting next to me to dance w her and

they did their cute little dance thing and then brittney gestured like, go sit down, and the person did, then stood back up and started dancing again

not like, in a bad way i dont think

it was super fuckin funny and after the song brittney was like “oh that was cute you think youre funny”

but i heard them talking at the stagedoor and like, brittney was chill it wasnt like a violation of anything

im not explaining it very well but it was really funny in person

everything about her on stage was just, so enrapturing

i dont have too many specific notes about this song because it would probably turn into just, me being gay, which is enough of this already

anyway! get down was good brittney mack is a stellar cleves

her fake crying is next level tho

the confrontation

boleyn, unprompted: i lost my head!

the beheaded cousins high fived after “nice neck” and like, stuck out their necks a bit it was so funny

seymours “i died”

we all know abby is gonna kill her line delivery

but GOD

and then after, she like, realized what she had said and struck a pose like, shit please still think im regal

the line itself was actually pretty, uhhhh, sad

theres something about boleyn roasting khoward in andreas voice

courtney with that “and your songs” had perfect timing

also “when will justice be SERVED” had such good punch to it

after she did that she like

rubbed her hand on janes face

and abby looked SO offended

theres something so, sincere about courtneys delivery of her roasts that i hadnt been getting and its SO much funnier to me

i forget exactly where but at some point boleyn aragon and howard were arguing

and in the background it really looked like seymour and cleves were having a normal conversation and i lost it like. they were just chattin

there were a couple moments of like, cleves and seymour interacting and it was interesting

aywd

courtney! mack! took! no! prisoners!

jesus christ

okay so i dont know if other howards do this or if it was just because i was seeing it live and up close and that made the difference but

for me the most compelling part of this howard was the fear

like yes there was the sadness/anger/etc like there was good emotion but

from the “he says we have a connection” re: henry, and then on, everything about courtneys body language just screamed that she was afraid

idk i might expand on this in a separate post because its a darker topic but yeah. holy shit that was emotional

not a single person clapped after the last line. they all waited until after “yeah, and then i was beheaded” before clapping

like the theater was dead silent. DEAD silent

it was like, so haunting because it was just courtney on stage at that point, with just the white spotlight on her, it was a Moment

im not sure i have the heart right now to get too deep into this

if it would be particularly interesting to anyone feel free to ask, im happy to get more into it but idk its just Emotional

actually this is already so long ima go for it

so on each “we have a connection” it was uhhhh parr and aragon (i think) who each put a hand on like, her clavicle

and for the first two verses she grabbed one of the hands and was like, flirty? ig

but on the one about henry seymour also put a hand around her waist and she like

she freaked out

and listening back to the audio i can

unpopular opinion perhaps but the actual emotion of her on stage didnt come thru in the audio

because it was so physical

like you could see how scared she was

which made it more relateable to me honestly

like she looked so so scared

it was heartbreaking

the confrontation part ii

oh BOOH OO MISTERESSES

“okay catherine, babes” is CUTE fight me

anna looked like, progressively more concerned as that beat went on, and then she just kinda like, deflated? it was really funny tbh

idk her parr feels Different than the parr im used to

during “oh im catherine parr i draw the line in arbitrary places” courtney was playing with her hair it was hashtag cute

BACKING VOCALS RIP CATHY PARR

idnyl

a cute little b flat major 7

yeah anna parr seems

hmm

she seems like she’s just, over henry

like from the start she just has no time for him

idk im Conceptualizing

anna uzele is

her voice is next level

she put survived in the “got married to the king became the one who survived” in air quotes which i think is an interesting note

anna got really physically into the “remember that...” bit of it and everyone in the back was also having a good time with it it was Good

andrea. she stuck her pointer finger between two of her other fingers on her other hand for the “my sixth finger” line and it was SO funny

khoward keeping aragon in line was

not the hot take i was expecting but nevertheless the one we deserved

both for “dissolution of the monasteries” and “well actually”

idk it was a cute character moment

one of *unsure, disgusted, vaguely annoyed* siiiIIIiix

abby was right in front of me and she looked SO uncomf

yeah, i read

iconique

andrea like, threw her head back for this line

the pause after “theres not much we can do about it now” is

painfully long and so so so funny

i was only really looking at brittney but she was like, arms down head up no body language it was SO funny

also her “yeah?” ended my life

she raised the mic up to her mouth while not moving an inch of the rest of her body

the part where they get all meta. has me dead

it was about halfway through this second part that i realized cleves had her coat back. i dont know when that happened. if anyone else knows when exactly anna of cleves gets her coat back after it gets taken off in get down please tell me. i genuinely want to know

this actually distracted me

i got vibes that they genuinely hated henry during this part

first off, mood

secondly, good

annas riffing. god.

she is so talented

dsfjksdf they all straight up left

six

the opening moment is really sweet and kinda funny

abby again killing it with janes cursed lines

courtney howard is actually so cute

when shes not being heartbreakingly sad that is

like her “bye!” was so cute

theyre all so supportive of each other its very cute

megasix

adrianna and abby both looked into my camera and like, i died

at the end anna and brittney were doing some dumb shit as they walked off stage and it was SO cute

after the show

i went to the stagedoor and it was a really fun experience! ive never done that before

it seemed like everyone was being pretty respectful and stuff, thank u six fans for being sane

i got four signatures on my program dklfjsldfjds

abby was such a sweetheart, we actually talked a tiny bit

i told her i loved her line delivery (because uhhhhhh i do) and she said that she tries to get in that comedic timing when she has Those Lines and like yeah

she was seriously the nicest

the ladies in waiting came out as well and everyone cheered for them and lets be real they DESERVE it

lemme sidebar here actually and talk about the ladies in waiting because

they killed it

bessie on the bass was living her best life at literally all times

brittney was also super sweet! i told her she had good energy (because uhhhhhh she does) and she was very nice about it!!!

i didnt really talk to anna or andrea but i got their signatures!

also speaking of my program im still losing my mind over “remembered for: headlessness” and “remembered for: staying alive”

thank u sixcago program

in conclusion! this was such a great+special experience!!! all of the actors were incredible, it was so wonderful

im also not claiming any of this stuff was unique to this performance or to sixcago in general this was just the stuff i noticed as i was watching it. if you clown on this post ill end u

#six the musical #sixcago #**#i typed up no way dluh idnyl and the after show part in a daze as soon as i got back #i got more of it filled in later and then i kinda lost steam #and im filling in the last bit almost a day later so yeah thats why some of its Like That #i ran out of energy for six/megasix but im not sure when ill get the energy so #and also this is Long as Fuck #and i have even more thoughts re: the cast and their portrayals #esp vs the west end cast portrayals

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asoftslytherin · 6 years

Text

sweetener. ch. iv

a/n: *shrugs*

summary: you go to sirius’ place to talk. talking happens. amongst other things.

warnings: so i said at the beginning that i would not be writing smut but every chapter i get closer and closer, hopefully i’ll have a chidi in the bad place. there isn’t any actual sex, just touching of certain anatomical parts that may be uncomfortable for some people. if you wanna read anyways i placed these: 🌫🌫🌫 before and after the dirty stuff. swearing, a sprinkle of angst.

word count: 3.1k (2.8k w/o dirty stuff)

At about 8:30 you finally got out of bed, changed into your softest pair of leggings you owned and threw on a big t-shirt that you were comfortable in, but you knew you still looked cute. You hated that you were planning out your outfit to meet some guy you’d just met and hooked up with the night before. These things shouldn’t be that important! Looking up at the ceiling of your bedroom and sighing, you gave in to the lazy gods, put on a pair of sandals and walked to your car. Once you were actually sitting in your car, you realized that you had no idea where he lived. You knew it was an apartment complex, but couldn’t remember which one, as you were basically running out the door the second your phone said that your Uber had arrived. You texted him to ask, somewhat embarrassed for some reason. When he sent the address, your recognized the name of the complex, maybe you just used to know someone who used to live there. The entire drive over you were so nervous, you had to turn the A/C all the way up to keep yourself from sweating bullets and your power jam playlist going to keep you from turning around and going right back home. The nerves might have been from exhilaration or maybe they were “oh my god this guy is crazy hot and he wants to see me again” nerves; who’s to say?

You arrived at Sirius’ place right at nine. The apartment complex was easy enough to find and you kind of went on auto-pilot at some points. How many times had you been to this place to know how to get here so easily? You shook the feeling away, and parked the car, checking the apartment number again on your phone, noticing that his apartment was on the first floor. Ugh thank god, you thought. I genuinely don’t know if I can do stairs today. Walking up to the apartment number he gave you, you knocked on the door and waited for a minute. Nothing. You knocked again, harder this time. Nothing. You rolled your eyes, berating yourself for ever suggesting this and as turned to leave, and then the door opened.

There stood in front of you, a very wet, very shirtless Sirius, wearing only a towel. Fuck. “Sorry, love” he said breathily. “I was still in the shower when I heard you knock and tried to get decent as quick as I could. Come, come in,” he offered, standing to the side with one arm keeping the door open and the other extended into his apartment, welcoming you in.

Suddenly, you knew why you recognized his apartment complex, it was the same one that your shittiest ex, Asher, lived in. Sirius’ apartment was bigger, but the entryway and kitchen had the same layout. It was like getting flashbacks to things you tried so hard to forget that you actually ended up forgetting them, and now it’s all rushing back. You must have looked shocked or even dismayed when you walked in, seeing as Sirius had a concerned look on his face before asking, “You okay? Need some water? I know it’s not that clean,” he cringed, looking at his dish-filled sink.

You shook your head at him and put on the best smile you could. “No, no, I swear I’m fine. I- uh… I just realized that you live in the same complex as my ex and it kind of threw me through a loop there for a second. Guess I was a little too busy last night to get a good look” you half-heartedly laughed. When you realized you were still staring at nothing you blinked a few times to snap yourself out of it and proceeded to turn to Sirius who was still wearing a towel. You laughed to yourself and then met his eyes instead of staring at his cotton-covered crotch. “I also should have said in my text that I actually wanted to talk to you before we did anything.” Eyeing him up and down, you pushed yourself onto the kitchen island gently, setting yourself down as slowly as your arms would allow and letting your feet dangle off of the marble edge, allowing the coolness of the stone to provide some relief to your areas that were still hurting.

“And what exactly did you want to talk about,” Sirius said easily, moving himself so he was in-between your tender legs as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

You rolled your eyes, tried your absolute hardest to keep your composure, and pushed him away. “Put on some pants, then we can talk.” As Sirius smirked and walked away, you looked at your phone to the texts you’d sent him. “Honestly, I should have seen this coming. This is partially my fault.”

“What’s your fault, love?” Sirius questioned when he walked back into the kitchen, now wearing a pair of sweatpants (Was that all he owned? Skinny jeans and sweatpants?) and using a towel, presumably the one that had previously been wrapped around his waist to dry off the remaining wet spots of his hair.

“It’s my fault for not realizing that the texts I sent made it seem like we were gonna bone the second you opened the door,” you smiled at him. “But, I do wanna set some ground rules if we’re gonna make this a thing,” you said sternly, letting your smile fall and sitting up straighter, attempting to make yourself look more serious.

“Ground rules? Other than, ‘no relationship, just sex’?” Sirius guffawed, walking over to his fridge and grabbing a beer for himself. “You want one?” he offered.

“No, I drove here and beer is disgusting,” you countered. “And yes, ground rules. I’ve tried this too many times with too many idiots, so this time I’m setting some ground rules.”

Sirius gave you a look of disbelief before shrugging and leaning on the counter. “Alright, darling. What are your rules?”

“For one, nothing in public. Cars are a maybe but that’s only if one of us is just having a really bad day and needs to bang it out ASAP and one of our cars is nearby.”

“Well, in case you’ve forgotten, I drive a motorbike,” he stated with a cheshire cat smile on his face.

“Hard pass,” you looked down at him.

“Okay, fine then,” Sirius stood up straight again. “No random texts that you ‘miss me’ or whatever. The only context I’ll allow that in is if you miss sex with me, then something can be arranged.”

“Deal,” you nodded. “Go get some paper, we need to write this down.”

“Paper?! We’re fuck buddies, we don’t need a written agreement! What, are you gonna make me sign it?” Sirius said incredulously with a laugh.

“What? No. I’m just a slut for organization and I like having things written down.” You stared at him for a second before shooing him away with your hands, “Go! Go get some paper and a pen or something!”

“This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done for sex,” Sirius muttered before wandering off to another room and returning with a blank piece of paper and a pen.

“Not gonna lie,” you raised your eyebrows at him. “Definitely thought that was gonna take longer than it did.”

“What can I say, I’m full of surprises.” Sirius took the pen and hastily wrote down the first two rules. “What’s your next stipulation?”

You squinted your eyes at him. “Oral sex has to be reciprocated! That’s a dealbreaker,” you almost shouted as you realized it and began eyeing him, pointing a finger in his direction.

“Is that not a thing people do?” Sirius inquired, a blank look on his face.

“Oh, Sirius, you sweet, summer child,” you put a hand on his shoulder, closed your eyes and shook your head. “You have no idea.”

“Okay fine,” Sirius laughed, writing down “bj=eating out” in scrawly writing. “Can we make this at least a weekly thing?” the man looked up at you and asked.

“Sure. At least once a week, I mean, it’ll probably be more than that-“

“Oh, trust me, it will be more than that,” Sirius bit his lower lip. “I think that’s enough rules for today,” he threw the pen down on the counter and walked around the kitchen island so he was in-between your legs again, but this time when his hands went around your waist, yours went around his neck. “How about we do what we both know needs to happen?”

“Even though I’m still sore from last night?” you queried.

“I’ll be gentle,” he whispered into your ear. Sending shivers down your spine.

“Prove it,” you challenged.

🌫🌫🌫

Sirius placed slow kisses up your neck, on your chin, next to your mouth, before reaching his destination. It started off slow, he would break away every now and then just to see the look of desire on your face. It wasn’t until you were directly pressed up against him and felt your tenderness on on his growing bulge that he quickened the pace. You were tugging at his hair as if it was a life raft and you were in the middle of the ocean. You needed him more than you had needed anything else in your entire life. He muffled an “Up” into one of the kisses, and you wrapped your legs around his bare waist while he carried you towards his bedroom. He slammed you up against a wall which resulted in a whimper of pain from you, “Shit, got carried away.”

In response, you began tugging on his hair even harder, wincing, “Oh, you’re gonna pay for that.” Sirius simply smiled before walking into his bedroom, bending over and softly lying your back on the bed. As Sirius was trying to get your shirt off this time being more conscious of the things that had transpired the night before and the effect that it can have on a person. While he was finagling with your bra, you took this opportunity to snake your hands into his sweatpants to run your fingertips across the head of his penis as lightly as you could.

Suddenly, he grabbed your hand, slowly pulled it out of his pants, and scowled down at you, his eyes dark with need. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Payback,” you smiled, pulling him down to you and kissing him again.

🌫🌫🌫

You breathed heavily, Sirius rolling off of you and flailing his arms out beside him, one hitting you in the boob. “Are you trying to make my whole body sore? Boobs are sensitive okay? Two minutes ago you were being super carefull not to hurt me, which I very much appreciated, and now you’re whackin’ my boob!” you laughed, leaning over and gently setting your lips on his, rolling back over to get out of bed and go to the bathroom.

“Wait, where are you off to?” Sirius asked, looking a little offended.

You paused, “Uh, the bathroom, and then I was gonna get dressed. Why?” You had a puzzled look on your face. No guy had ever questioned you getting out of bed after sex.

“I’ll allow you to go to the bathroom, but I’m implementing a rule that you have to stay in bed with me for at least five minutes before you leave,” he said sternly.

“Why?” You were very confused at this point.

“Because I like feeling your amazing body next to me and I’m a selfish person, as we’ve already established. So, go, and get back quick so I can touch you some more,” he waved you away with his hands as you ran to the bathroom.

Once you were under the covers with him once again, your head resting on his chest, a finger tracing a tattoo on his collarbone, you asked, “So is this like a cuddling thing?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “What’s wrong with a guy wanting to keep touching the person he’s sleeping with, even if they’re not having sex? Your skin is so soft and so is your ass and my hand likes to be on your ass. You should be questioning my hand, not me,” he raised one of his hands in surrender, the other stayed put where it was.

“I’ll allow it, only because I really like what that hand was doing earlier,” you giggled.

He put his other arm around your waist and pulled you closer, kissing you softly. “Now it’s my turn to have to use the bathroom,” he mischievously grinned before running off to the bathroom.

As you were lying alone on the bed, feeling the remnant of the heat where he had been, you yelled, “Okay, I get it now, get back here, I’m cold!”

⭐️🌙⭐️

The next few weeks went on like that, usually you would go over to his place, he would occasionally come to your place if Marlene was out of the house. It worked really well. You were finally getting the satisfaction you needed with none of the annoying asshole to deal with. Plus, you were able to hang out with your friends together and not be weird about it, it was pretty much the perfect situation. The two of you did end up adding a few more rules, all of them sexual in nature, and it just made things even better.

Y/N 📲 Sirius

Y/N: i’m coming over Y/N: everybody at work decided it was asshole day and i need to get this aggression out

Sirius: i’m okay with this

Sirius 📲 Y/N

Sirius: get over here Sirius: asap

Y/N: is something wrong

Sirius: it’s my turn for people to be assholes Sirius: get that ass over here

Y/N 📲 Sirius

Y/N: marlene’s gone for the weekend Y/N: you know what that means?

Sirius: i’m getting dressed as fast as i can

Sirius 📲 Y/N

Sirius: get over here

Y/N: it’s 9am on a saturday and my bed’s really comfy, gimme a good reason

Sirius: we can spend the rest of the day sleeping at my place

Y/N: deal

One evening a couple months after you started this agreement, you and your newfound group of friends, essentially being included in hanging out with Lily, Marlene, and the three boys, decided to have a game night at Sirius’ apartment, he had the biggest dining table.

“I understand that you think I was using a throw away card, but you still should have given me the point,” Lily glared over to James.

“Why? ‘Bees?’ is the worst card in the deck!” James retorted.

“Excuse me, ‘Bees?’ is the best card in the deck!” Lily almost shouted back.

You thought you heard a faint “I have neighbors” coming from Sirius’ direction but between Lily and James’ continued shouting, nobody would have paid attention to it and you knew Sirius didn’t give a shit.

“Lily, I love you. But that card is garbage,” James said as calmly as he could.

Lily slammed her cards down on the table and stood up, almost knocking the chair over. “You know what?!” she yelled.

James did the exact same, except he actually managed to knock his chair over in the process. “You know what?!” he yelled back.

“You know what?” Remus said in a Mr. Rogers-esque voice with a forced smile plastered on his face. “I think it’s time we go home.”

Game nights usually ended like this, especially if it ended up with James going against what Lily wanted to do, with any game. The lot of you picked up the cards, put them back in the box and handed it back to Remus. It wasn’t originally his game, but he kept it at his house for security purposes. Everyone filed out of the apartment, saying their good-byes, Remus giving you a look as he closed the door, leaving you and Sirius alone.

“Whatever shall we do?” Sirius asked in a soft tone, snaking his arms around your waist and pulling you down with him onto the chair he was sitting in, you on his lap.

“Sirius,” you whined. “I really, really want to but I have to get up early for a project at work. Like four a.m. early, so I actually need to sleep tonight.” You frowned, planting a quick kiss on his lips. “Once this project is over I will have free time once again!” You leaned your head back, imagining what it would be like to see your friends more than once a month, and Sirius more than just once a week. These were trying times.

“Y/N,” Sirius whispered into your ear. “The second that project is officially over, you come over here as fast as you can and I’m not letting you leave for at least three days.”

You whined again. “Can I have a time machine so I can get to that point without dealing with my colleagues?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Sirius smiled, placing kiss on your temple.

“Okay,” you said, looking at the time on your phone and standing up from the man’s lap, “I actually have to leave now.” Sirius grabbed your arm trying to pull you back down with him. “You’re a terrible influence, I hope you know that.”

“I’ve known that for a while, love,” he stood up, kissing you as you walked backwards towards the door.

You felt around for the doorknob, and managed to open it right as Sirius began to pull you further into his place. “I gotta go,” you smiled, enjoying his eyes for a moment before you had to leave him again. Halfway out the door, he turned you back around for one last kiss, but before your lips touched, you heard a voice behind you.

“Well, look who it is.”

Turning around you saw Asher standing in the hallway, arms crossed, giving you a shit-eating grin.

“Do you need something?” you asked, placing a hand on your hip and looking away from blond asshole that stood before you. Today had been a good day and now Asher was here to fuck it up like he did just about everything.

Asher held up his hands, feigning innocence. “Just seeing what all the yelling was about,” he smirked beginning to walk away. “See you around, Y/N.” Before he fully turned around, he eyed you up and down, making you feel disgusting. You were gonna take two showers when you got home.

As you spun on your heel to leave, Sirius grabbed your hand. “You okay, love?” he said quietly, a look of concern on his face.

“I’m fine,” you sighed. “You just had the pleasure of meeting the shitty ex.” You rubbed your temple with your free hand and tried to calm yourself down.

Sirius pulled the hand he was holding towards him and put his arms around you. “It’s gonna be okay, he’s just a prick. It’ll be fine,” he whispered into your hair.

After standing there for a brief moment, you pulled away, sadly kissed Sirius and walked home, feeling a little calmer, but unsure.

a/n: believe it or not i edited the ending about ten different times thinking i would make it shorter, but here we are. also they definitely were’t playing cah what are you talking about. feedback is nice if u feel like it. good or bad, i don’t give a shit. night night.

💖-ella

#hp fic #sirius black x reader #modern!marauders #marauders era fic #*mine #*sweetener

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wayward-hell · 7 years

Text

Monster

Marvel, Avengers x reader fic

Idea: You never asked for this, but this is what you got. A monster

A/N: I’d suggest listening to Imagine dragons “I’ve turned into a monster” while reading this as this is what I was listening to as i wrote this. Please note that i wrote this on Tumblr and not on a Doc. ahead of time so i apologize for any errors

Warnings: Swearing? Fluff, pain, blood, and my favorite: cliffhangers.

Among being an Avenger and a trustworthy friend, you were also a healer. Ever since you could remember you’d had this ability to heal, but you kept it to yourself as there would have been many complications. You grew up thinking that if anyone figured out that you could heal anything, absolutely anything, there would’ve been thousands of people demanding you to help their loved ones.

Thankfully when every last family member you had was now gone and you had no one to turn to, you got smart and turned to the Avengers.

Right away you told them. They could clearly see you were scared, having been told your whole life - like a Disney princess - to “hide your powers” they accepted you and helped you train with your fists, feet, legs, and anything else you were willing to fight with.

They never asked you to help them, but occasionally they didn’t need to ask. Every mission you’d be scared for everyone of them, as none of them could snap their fingers and be completely healed. If anyone got injured bad enough that it might have been life threatening you’d step in.

It had been two months already, two months you’d spent with these people. Various different missions, or training exercises, hell even walking up the damn stairs sometimes left all of you battered and bruised from the most complex of things to the simplest - like walking up stairs.

As the days past, injuries came and went, you helped using your ability where you felt you’d needed to. For once you felt useful and trusted.

“Dibs on flying.” You spoke as you sauntered past Steve, Sam, and Bucky making your way onto the jet already in your suit and loaded with weapons. Bucky and Sam smiled to themselves knowing Steve would want to fly.

There was a small yet hilarious spat between the two of you until you decided to give up the jet to Steve seeing as you wouldn’t be leaving if the argument continued.

It was a fairly long ride and while the boys stayed awake you curled up and napped. As you were seated between Sam and Bucky you casually spread out over them. They were cleaning and stripping their weapons, and didn’t mind you stretching out over them.

Just before the jet landed you woke up an uneasy feeling taking over your stomach. It wasn’t about the mission, no it was something to do with your healing.

You shrugged the feeling off as Steve came to stand in front of you and take your shoulder.

“You good?” You nodded and shook yourself awake and went on the mission. Moving out, the jet’s bay doors opening and the four of you moving in sync.

Hours later

Steve and Bucky came running back into the jet as the doors opened, you stayed back firing everything you had at the remaining men who’d followed your group back to the jet.

You bit back the pain as bullets grazed you. Once the rest were dead you could hear the screaming coming from inside the jet.

Sam.

You quickly shut the doors to the jet as more enemies crested the hill. Dropping your weapons you moved to the front shouting as you passed the three soldiers.

“Keep him stable until we’re safe! Rogers get the IV, left wing second shelf fourth container! Barnes get some rags and put pressure on the wound!” Once you got to the front you sat down and started up the jet.

“Which wound!?” Bucky shouted over Sam’s screaming. “The one bleeding the most! For the love of the Gods Rogers give him some painkillers in that IV something strong!” You leaned back against the chair a bit to help your voice carry.

Sam continued to scream as Bucky and Steve worked. You could hear pounding on the jets door just before you got the jet off the ground. You gripped the steering tight and maneuvered through the thick trees, and out of the way of missiles, trying to keep the jet level for the soldiers.

As you rose up the screaming subsided some telling you that Rogers had gotten Sam some damn painkillers. The clouds were airy and light as you punched in the auto pilots coordinates taking you back to the compound.

Rushing to the back you looked over Sam, Steve and Bucky. Steve sat down getting out of your way and sighed looking down at Sam’s wing suit.

Bucky held the rags on Sam’s wounds and with out a word you motioned for him to lift them. He did and you let out a sigh of relief.

“The bleeding has slowed, not stopped, but slowed enough that it should be safe for me to heal him now.” Pressing two fingers to Sam’s forehead and focusing, both Steve and Bucky watched as a faint golden glow drifted over Sam. The glow seeming to simply sew up his injures.

Putting the rags into a bin Bucky cleaned off his hands before coming back to see you finish healing Sam. Looking down at him you grabbed a cloth and cleaned off the dried blood and sweat.

Once you were finished and you sat down next to Bucky and sighed. Steve got up and went to the front to watch the controls.

Without even looking at Bucky you rubbed your hands together trying to calm down. “Do you know how it happened? I didn’t even see what hit’em.” He ran a hand through his hair before answering.

“Missile was shot at him, and he didn’t get out of there fast enough before it blew.” He glanced at you and saw your face drop at the thought of one of those bastards shooting a missile at Sam.

“Hey, if it weren’t for you I doubt he would have made it. You saved him Y/N. You did good doll.” He slung his right arm over your shoulders and gave you a side hug trying to reassure you. You took the hug and just sighed into him as the jet made it’s way back home.

You separated and gave him a sober look as you stood up to tidy up the jet a bit. In your rush you’d dropped your weapons and scattered them around the floor.

“Thanks Bucky. Thanks Steve.” Were your last words before the flight home became competently silent.

Sam had woken up sometime later in the compound, fully healed yet he was still placed into the medical bay to monitor his situation. When one of the Doctors led him out in a t-shirt and sweats into the common room where you and the rest of the Avengers sat Steve and Bucky were the first to get up and practically scold him for standing up.

“Geez calm down, i’ll sit, i’ll sit.” He tried waving away the two as they kept bugging him - more Steve than Bucky. You just smiled and laughed as the rest of the Avengers interrogated him on what happened even though they’ed already heard it from Steve, Bucky and yourself.

You kept watching the group just laugh and talk together like one huge family, but something still didn’t feel right about you powers. You hadn’t noticed the Doctor come up to you until he placed a hand on your shoulder.

“Oh, uh... yeah Doc? What can I do for you?” You questioned taken aback by the weird feeling you were having.

“Sorry didn’t mean to startle you, but are you alright? You have blood stains on your clothes.” Of course as soon as he mentioned the idea of you not being alright the whole group turned on you.

Ignoring them you found the various blood stains leaking through your casual clothing.

“Oh shit, didn’t even see that, thanks i’ll go wash up and take care of these I totally forgot.” You smiled up at him as you stood and moved to leave.

The Doctor had managed to scurry out before you and you now had the whole group staring at you in question and concern while Steve and Bucky blocked your exit.

“What did you forget about doll? What are those blood stains?” Bucky asked firmly, arms crossed over his chest and metal plates shifting beneath his long sleeve shirt.

Since he found out that you were to be a new Avenger and that you and Steve got a long quite well he’d made it his personal job to make sure you were safe and sound.

You sighed running your hand through your hair nervously. “It’s nothing really just a few grazes, id forgotten about them awhile ago.” Not fully satisfied with your answer, but having gotten a nod from Natasha they let you pass.

Upon entering the bathroom attached to your room you closed the door locking it and stripped your shirt off. Multiple grazes were visible and were still leaking blood. You snapped your fingers to heal yourself, but nothing happened.

This had happened before where it’d taken a moment or two for the golden glow to flow over your wounds. It was always easier to heal others rather than yourself. You tried something different, using the mirror you stared at one of the grazes on your arm then snapped summoning up the flow of energy.

It took a couple of seconds, but it did come the magic like energy flowing over your wound. Something was off though that same damn feeling kept coming back, now it felt stronger though and you realized it might not have been “butterflies” in your stomach, but rather the magic itself warning you.

Thinking nothing of it you continued to the next one, again the golden light came over the wound, but it was harder to guide, it didn’t flow directly to the wound instead it practically raced across your skin like a car losing control.

When it did finally get to the wound you found yourself breathing heavily. It had never taken so much work to guide it before. Looking in the mirror you saw your eyes had done the typical thing where they changed to the same golden light, glowing brighter, but like that of the magic it was faint. Not as bright anymore, but there was something else.

Something else was pulling at you to use it. It felt stronger, but harsher, angry almost. So instead of going down that road you simply bandaged the last few grazes and left the bathroom changing into a different shirt and an over sized hoodie.

You made your way back down the halls to the common room just to find two new people standing outside and a ways away from the group of Avengers inside the now closed common room. Frowning at the bickering group inside the glass room you moved to the two new people.

Both tall, both handsome, but many differences. One wore reds and silvers a hammer on the table next to him, while the other wore deep greens, gold, and blacks, but this one was chained. A set of handcuffs by the likes that you’d never seen before and a matching set of metal covering his mouth.

The one in red was a blonde with blue eyes focused on the Avengers his arms crossed as he watched, a frown forming on his face. The other had ebony black hair and piercing green blue eyes that weren't staring at the Avengers, but rather at you. This time you knew it was a gut instinct yelling at you, this time you listened. Coming short and stopping you stared at him.

This had trouble written all over it.

A/N: HEY! You made it to the end, okay first off yes I do plan on making a next part, but I currently only have one person to tag in this! So if you want to be tagged let me know. Have suggestions? TELL ME I like to hear from you, i know I’m not all that active, but i like to hear from you. Another thing, comments are great, but i don’t seem to get any notification about them so if you really want to make sure i get the message either send me a private message or an ask. Again sorry if there are any mistakes in it btw. <3

Thanks for reading!

The only person tagged: @shyperson16

#avengers #avenger x reader #Bucky #steve rogers #xreader #fanfic #i dont know #story #avenger story #writing

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thots-and-ideas · 4 years

Text

Tom I don't believe in grammar but I just want you to know that I've loved you for as long as I've known you and wrote so many poems about you and when I hear songs they make me think of you. I hope you see this.

Last week when you picked up Solis you kinda slapped my arm in the way you do when you make that “pshhhh” sound. Last year on Christmas you handed me something and I felt your hand on mine and I swear I could feel the warmth from you like you intentionally exchanged energies with me but you’ve disciplined yourself to keep from giving me anything. The time you touched me before that was when Chris died. I couldn't tell if you wanted to hug me but God it felt good and I didn't even mind that we didn't say anything. Before that it was you begging to kiss me. For the first time you begged for me, couldn't accept what I was saying. It was the first time I really thought that maybe you could spend forever kissing me.

You could have spent forever kissing the person I should have been. The feeling of warmth comes to me in my dreams and sometimes I wake up and remind myself that you're gone. I have dreams of you knowing who I am. I have dreams that you're apart of this family I've built for myself and for Solis. When I had Solis I was in no way sophisticated enough to understand how deeply flawed and unprepared I was to be a mother. Deciding to have Solis was never about keeping you. I wanted a love that would never die, how selfish was I? I knew I had something special inside of me and I couldn't resist that feeling of being a creator of my own world. What was inside of me could never leave me because she is tethered to my flesh, my blood, and my labor. How wrong was I? You and I facilitated someone who does not belong to either of us. I couldn't stand the thought of her not needing my body for sustenance, I couldn't stand the fact that she wasn't mine, but she was ours, but she wasn't. Do you understand? I remember taking a nap after she was born. I woke up to you next to me holding Solis. It was joyous. I always had these little pockets of hope that we could do this together, whatever together meant.

Theres these messages I remember. You told me you wanted to be friends, and my response was “we’re not friends.” What did that feel like for you? My body felt like a dumping ground and you were a dumping ground for my pain that caused me. You were my friend. I was always so intimidated by you, amazed by you, entranced by you. At 15 you stood out to me. Your cute hair and your teeth I liked the way you laughed but you didn't really say much, that was okay to me. You played with my hair. You had a pull and I think if you were to think back maybe you would tell me that you felt the same way. You told me the other day that I have amnesia, I thought it was funny because I pretty much remember every single moment with you. The thing is, I for so long thought my anger and my rage was righteous. I was confused, I didn't understand why you were ashamed of me or why you hid me why you wouldnt call me your girlfriend, why I was expected to behave like an adult. In between those feelings there I was, causing chaos, losing myself in bitterness and self loathing. It was all my fault so I would punish myself but when I was faced with consequences of my hurtful and unhinged behavior I would punish you.

For years, up until very recent years, I couldn't see myself. My body was disposable, I wrote a poem about myself as recycled trash. You can't know your own pain until you look It in the eye. The last few months of dating Karlos I couldn't afford my rent anymore, and couldn’t afford my downpayment on greektown house. I had to turn myself off to survive. I started going to the women in my life and coming to terms with my abuse, getting help for my abuse, Im still working on it very hard and it'll probably stay with me forever. But this is the lesson. I'm responsible now for that pain. Will I let it make me small or will I accept the support of my community who did everything they could to help me, and help myself while being lifted by love, and grace. I have blamed you for my pain for a long time, but there has never been a time I haven't wanted to heal from that with you, and I think that is the problem. I didn't want to heal with Karlos, if I believed in police system , he would be in jail right now for what he did to me. But for me to heal from you is to heal from myself.

I remember the cruel things I said to you, just like Ill never forget how your touch feels on my skin Ill never forget the way I weaponized things you trusted me with and attacked you. I’ll never forget the way I would try and try and try to make you so angry to get a reaction. I put words into your mouth and created my own realities. It must have been exhausting, more than that... the point was to make you hurt like I hurt. That was always the point. I wanted you to love me and my delusions told me you didn't any you never would.

You told me I needed therapy and I agree with you. We all have broken bits. I look at you now and see that beautiful smile and that way about you that I see in myself and in Solis. I knew I would see her in you and there's been no greater gift than this life we have all been able to provide Solis. I had troubles, those I hope you can forgive me for and understand me for. I couldn't get out of bed and Solis was my only will to live. I hadn't been able to harness that pain yet. I hadn't practiced ownership and self accountability. The pain I've felt from you is mine to carry and I promise you, I only carry lessons, lessons I'm applying. For Solis, for my chosen family, and for myself.

I wish I could send you the poems I used to write about you, and some more of the things I would write Sol when she was in me. I always saw you in the brightest of lights and nothing ever dimmed that, not even my own lies I told myself about you. Biggest lie is that you didn't love me. When you said you wouldnt let me hurt you anymore I didn't know if you still felt anything about me. Like I was just some human you see sometimes that existed before but its just a ghost now. I don't want to be remembered as that Lexei from you. The more I told myself you didn't care about me the more I pushed you away. Instead of calming down and being rational I turned to creating problems . Is it too late Tom? Have the lights turned off for you? Do you know what I would do to just sit with you, like normal people, and talk about our good memories and the joy we felt together and what you taught me and who we are now. I miss you so much Tom. Look at everyone who's in my life, they've been there for as long as you have. They're family to us. We wanted you here during quarantine. We want you to be a part of this family. Sometimes I dream about being together with you but I know that's just a delusion of grandeur. We could be friends. We were friends. I think I’ll always love you and always I will extend my apologies to you and I know it can be healing to hear “I'm sorry” from someone who has hurt you. I know its recent but Im coming back to me. Im passionate about learning how to be a healer and mindfulness and it has always brought me back to you. You still pull me tom. You showed me so much gentleness, you formed me in so many ways that I can't explain. We manifested a product of ourselves and she is the most perfect, flawed, complex, kind, smart girl who emits golden light into this world. She's a reflection of all that is good in us. You only want to talk about Solis and I get that. Im not sure why I keep extending but I keep seeing you in my dreams and I keep seeing you in Solis and I keep seeing you in real life and I can't take my eyes off of you. Sometimes I worry about you like you keep so much in, I wonder if you could ever trust me again but, Im here, and I love you. Ive made myself a safe place for people. You and Solis helped me in ways you'll only know if you see me through eyes of forgiveness.

I don't know what the point of this is. You make things Clear to me all the time, but sometimes you flirt with me and I think sometimes you might be flirting with the idea of me. Flirt with it more. We can be a team, a real team. Not married mom and dad but, come be with the chickens and the family and you'll feel at home because when we’re together we are home.

“oh how I love you, in the evening when we are sleeping.”

I remember every song we listened to, I remember every fight, every time we played and played and played, and the piano fingers on my skin. Watching you play gently on the keys making such powerful noise. Thats why you're a good cook I bet. It’s all in the gentle finesse. You're a gentle dad and a gentle man and I'm so sorry for bringing that chaos and lack of privacy into your life, I didn't get it then and you did everything you could to make me understand. I wonder why though, you never let me go and why it takes you to treat me almost like I'm not a human, in your words “nothing” to be able to stomach being near me. Is it resistance or is is disgust? Ive done a lot of stupid things... make some stupid mistakes. The fucking phone dude... didn't even cross my mind. Its your job to catch me on those things and tell me to cut it out. Im learning that we all need to pick each other up when we’re slipping. I love you tom. Im so proud of you, and I will always be rooting for you. I will always love you in a special way too. More than love like family. I want to touch your hand sometimes so badly and just grab you and hold you and smell you like the time in the harbor. Its hard to dream of you.

There are so many things I need to be sorry. You didn't deserve what you've had to go through. I wish we could hug man.

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