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collapsingneutron · 2 days

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Am I the only one who is deeply reminded of Tim Drake every time they see a John Mulaney comedy special?

If John Mulaney was 15 and looked 13, he'd be the prime actor to cast as Tim Drake. Because he has this cynical but boyish charm like he's a 50s professor trapped in a modern boy's body and very self-aware about it. He's seen some shit and done some shit, but he manages to look very put-together.

Here are some actual quotes from John's comedy specials that Tim Drake would totally say if he was writing his autobiography:

On Bruce Wayne:

Tim: Kids, you think your dad’s weird now? Wait for his dad to die. Then he goes on a whole quest.

He’ll wanna take more family pictures, but be angrier during them. “Can we get one photo where we all look nice?”

We’re like, “I don’t think this motherfucker’s doing that well.”

Tim: My dad never hit us. My dad is a lawyer and he was a debate team champion. So he would pick us apart psychologically.

Tim: He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin.

Tim: He didn’t want us to not get kidnapped. He wanted us to almost get kidnapped and then fight the guy off using weird, psych-out, back-room Chicago violence.

On being Robins:

Tim: This was always a very dramatic process – ’cause we were thirteen, we looked nine.

Tim: God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.

Tim: I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. In high school people were like, “What are your top three colleges?”

I was like, “Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

On being 'the smartest Robin':

Tim: I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.

Tim, to Bart: Here’s my plan, you and me get very dressed up, including hats, and then we wave handkerchiefs at it until it disappears over the horizon.

On being Red Robin:

Tim: I was hoping, uh, by now that I would look older but that didn’t happen.

I don’t look older, I just look worse, I think. Honestly, when I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Whoa! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!”

On Gotham:

Tim: What a historic and beautiful and deeply haunted building this is. I keep walking through cold spots being like, “I wonder who that used to be.”

Tim: I was coming into my apartment building one night and I saw in front of my building a wheel chair, knocked in its side with no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there… you hope it was a miracle… but probably not… probably something worse.

On staying calm while Gotham is on fire:

Tim: I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.

Tim: I’ll just keep all my emotions right here [points to heart] and then one day, I’ll die.

Tim: And by the way, part of me was like: “Whatever"… you know? You ever have those days where you’re like: “This might as well happen."

On Gotham Rogues:

Tim: He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti. But, instead, he made his living in murder.

On the fracturing of the Batfamily amidst Bruce's supposed death and Tim's search for him:

Tim: It was an intervention. For me. Interventions for me, are my least favorite kind of intervention.

Tim [searching for Bruce while Dick is Batman and Damian is his Robin]:

I, meanwhile, was loose in New York City, not doing well.

On his time with the League of Assassins and Ra's Al-Ghul's interest

Tim: Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that.

Tim: You’re all uncomfortable now, but I’m way over it.

On college:

Tim: I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun ’cause mail, you know?

And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!

“As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money.” I found this peculiar.

I went to college, I was 18 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time.

Tim, at his first frat party: People were drinking like it was the civil war and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off.

Miscellaneous:

Tim, in an argument with Steph: That wasn’t what I was telling you, but alright, lets talk about this entirely new topic.

Tim, when asked if he's been up since yesterday: And I was like: “No” you know, like a liar.

Tim: I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level. So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants, and I felt safe.

Tim: Those were the choices — salad or fries, the two most different foods in the universe. That’s like saying, “What kinda day do you wanna have? Do you wanna be active and go to the bathroom and stuff, or do you wanna lay on the floor moaning?”

Tim, talking to Kon at 5AM: It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA. It was ridiculously easy. Like, what was even going on back then? What was a murder investigation like in 1935??

One cop would just walk in and be like, [speaks sharply with an old-timey accent] “Detective! We found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway!”

And he would just be like [low voice] “Hmmm… gross! Mop it up. Now then, back to my hunch… [holds chin with hand and looks around the floor] Hmmmmmm…. Look for clues. [stands up straight] I’ll tell you what we’ll do! We’ll draw chalk around the body. That way, [narrows eyes and looks side to side and speaks with a suspicious tone] we’ll know where it was…”

Tim, showing up to brunch at Denny's: Hope you don’t mind that I dressed up. It was my first communion today so I decided to come right from it.

Tim: I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… [groans] You know, life.

Tim: How did they find out about the inside zipper pocket? That pocket has eluded everyone in my life.

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chloegirlgay · 2 days

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Cold Sloan Creamery

A charming cutie steals your attention at your boring coffee-shop job. Turns out they've got a food service gig as well - a much sweeter one. Modern AU.

Another experiment I did with first-person stuff. Sex is alluded to but not present. Word count: 2253. Enjoy!

Five A.M. Entirely too early to be doing anything, let alone having to drag myself into work for another day; yet here I was, miserably reading the back of a shampoo bottle in the shower. Mornings like this, I would idly wonder if it was worth quitting my job. Technically, I could probably survive college without it if I took out more loans. There were benefits to working at a coffee shop as well. I just had to push through it.

I turned off the water and grabbed a towel. Working on campus was pleasant at least, even on the weekends it felt like I was part of a community. I had a few regulars I knew and enjoyed talking to. I was hyping myself up as I dried myself off, hoping to make the day a little less miserable. It worked slightly, as I was at least able to muster up the energy to get ready and make it there.

The lights were already on, and I mumbled “good morning”s to my coworkers as I kept preparing myself mentally for the day ahead. I made myself a small coffee - one of the perks of the job was a free drink per shift, and I needed it now - and drank it entirely too quickly for something that hot. With that, I was finally ready to start the drudgery of commerce. It was Saturday, so there was no rush of people coming to class, but there were still a few customers. Just get into the groove, it’ll be fine. I thought to myself.

I was able to dissociate and lose myself in filling orders and making drinks, and by the time I looked at the clock again I had made it to eleven. Not too bad so far, just a few hours to go. The next customer came up, looking a bit frazzled, and I couldn’t help but notice how cute they were. Cute brown hair, an eyebrow piercing, a dazzling smile - they had it all. And they would have their caramel latte with extra whipped cream they ordered in that beautiful high-energy voice.

They took their drink and sat themselves on one of our tables, pulling out a laptop festooned with stickers. A few pride stickers, including a nonbinary flag in a cute heart, as well as a litany of representations of historic places. A column from the Parthenon, a pyramid from Giza… this was clearly someone who was well versed in the wonders of the world. Exploring sounded nice right about now, trapped in work. At least it was lunchtime. Maybe I should talk to them? No, that was weird. I took another small coffee - one small coffee plus another still added up to one free drink, right? - and sat down at a table near enough to the mysterious cutie without being so close that I’d be anxious. It didn’t work. I was still anxious, hearing them tap-tap-tap away at their keyboard. I hadn’t had an infatuation this powerful or instant in a long time, and it had me sweating.

“Howdy!” They’d directed their attention to me. I was careful not to get my hopes up, but there was an outside shot that this was my chance. “That latte was really good. You seemed kinda down so I figured I’d uh, swing by?” They had taken their laptop over to my table, and were smiling that adorable chipped smile at me again.

“Oh, thank you.” I said. Don’t fumble now, I thought to myself. “I was just thinking about an assignment I have due next week.”

They nodded. “Ugh, I feel that. I was actually working on a paper about the classical structures of Rome, which I love, but the writing still gets to me.”

“That sounds unique. What degree is that for?”

Their eyes lit up and they started to ramble a bit. “Archaeology! It’s been one of my favorite topics… well, my whole life! It’s been so fun to study. Still not into the writing though.” They sighed. “I wish I could get out of the classroom and out into the field, but digsites won’t take you without the degree. Lame.”

“Where are you hoping to get to work at once you get the degree?”

They paused for a moment in thought, then continued with their mile-a-minute responses. “I mean my favorite place in the whole world is Cairo, and I’d love to get to find an undiscovered part of the Pyramids, but I worry that staying in one place will mean I miss out on all the other places I could explore! I guess my answer is that I want to travel a lot? It would certainly be better than now, where the farthest I travel is from my dorm to the gym.”

Their figure did look as if they were into working out - not too much, but they certainly looked like an arm wrestling contest with them would not be particularly close. Hot. Averting my eyes, I checked my watch. Three minutes left on my lunch break. “Well, I’ve gotta get back to work. It was really nice talking to you…” I realized I hadn’t got their name.

They realized too. “I’m Sloan! Nice to meet you too! Hopefully I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah! Best of luck on your paper. When in Rome and all that.”

They stuck their tongue out playfully as they packed up their laptop, and left with a wave. I spent the rest of my shift hoping I’d see them again soon. That said, I think I was the only one who was going to drink two coffees in one day, so I guess it’d have to wait…

---

Two P.M. I was finally free from my job for the day. Most of the time, I only worked weekends, so in a way I was already halfway through the week. Despite this, I was still willing to spend a bit to get myself a little treat. A new ice cream shop had opened near campus, and it did sound relaxing to get a cone and relax in the courtyard in the summer sun.

A small bell rang on the door as I entered, and I heard a surprisingly familiar voice greet me. “Welcome to Lindholm’s Ice Cream, where sweet treats are always…” They trailed off. “It’s you! Hello!” Sloan was there, on the job, dressed in a cute but admittedly somewhat tacky red and white striped outfit adorned with a hat and bowtie.

“You work here? I promise this is a coincidence.” I said sheepishly.

“Aw shucks, I mean you’re allowed to come visit just for me.” They said with a grin. “What can I get ya?”

“Oh, um…” My order was suddenly gone from my mind, lost in their eyes. “Whatever you recommend? Dealer’s choice.”

“Not something I hear often, but I can dig that.” They said, getting a scoop out and taking a hunk of pink dessert. “This one’s a simple combination I like. Strawberry and vanilla.”

“That sounds good. Thanks!” As they took the second scoop and placed it into a cone, I took the treat. “Is it alright if I hang out here? I’m not sure how busy you guys get.”

“Of course you can! As for business…” They put their hands on their cheeks in exaggerated disappointment. “You’re the first customer we’ve had today. I don’t know if the owner doesn’t do any advertising or what, but it gets pretty boring.” They perked back up a bit. “I still get paid the same either way, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”

“So how long have you worked here?” I asked, taking a spoonful of ice cream. The strawberry flavor was really refreshing after today.

“Like a month. It’s honestly not that bad. Nobody comes in, so I’m not bothered. Plus, they let me mess around with my own uniform for, uh, gender reasons. Let me wear this snazzy bowtie.” They stepped out from behind the counter with their own ice cream and sat down across from me.

“This is good! My compliments to the scooper.”

“‘Course! My taste is always good.”

---

The next few weeks, stopping by the ice cream shop on days when Sloan was working became something of a ritual. It was always nice to give them some company, chat about what was going on in our respective classes, and just… soak in their energy. Their bright smile, their cheery laugh, even down to their regularly changing nail polish, they just exuded positivity and light. Soon, they started coming to get more coffee more regularly, and we spent my breaks there talking as well. It turned my feelings on work around to know I’d get to see Sloan around midway through the day.

It was about a month before during one of our conversations over ice cream that I noticed Sloan was acting kind of strangely. Their eyes wouldn’t quite meet mine, their hands trembled a bit as they served out our desserts, and they nervously tapped their fingers on their side. They sat down across from me, eyes staring straight at their ice cream. There was no one else in the store, as usual - I’d seen maybe two other customers in the last month.

“You okay, Sloan?”

“Yeah. Yeah!” Their downward gaze still didn’t change. They muttered under their breath. “¡Demonios!”

“If something’s bothering you, I’m happy to listen. Professor being a jerk again? Argument with someone?”

“No, no. Nothing like that.” They breathed in deeply. “Could you come with me to the back for a second?”

“I know I come in here a lot, but I don’t actually work here.” I said with a laugh.

“It’s fine, nobody else will come in anyway.” They grabbed my hand and practically dragged me to the storeroom in the back.

“Did you need me to like, do inventory?” I said, befuddled.

“Will you go out with me?” They said, finally meeting my gaze. “I know this is sudden, but I just can’t stop thinking about you.”

I stood stunned for a moment, overwhelmed by what had just happened.

“This was a bad idea. I knew it. I’m sorry. I don’t want to cause trouble-”

“Of course, Sloan!” I interrupted. “I’d love to, I just - I’ve thought about this for so long, ever since we first met. I was just afraid to ask too.”

Sloan smiled, a big grin showing off their chipped tooth, and pulled me into a hug. “Thank you. Thank you so much!” They mumbled into my shoulder. It was so comforting, their frame wrapped around me, the warmth of their body making the momentary anxiety fade away, their eyebrow piercing shining in the light, their goofy paper hat sliding off as they leaned into me.

“Do we need to go back out front? I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Nobody’s going to show up, and I want to go further. I need you.” They cupped my face in their hands.

“Okay. Take the lead then.”

Sloan took a moment to summon their usual optimism and courage, freeing themselves from their earlier fear; then, they pulled my face in for a kiss. Their lips gave in to mine with ease, and I melted into their embrace. I could taste a hint of sweetness on them. They reached an arm around me and gently lifted me, letting me fall deeper in. This was bliss. My tongue met theirs and my mind started to go blank. The rest of the world seemed to fade out; I was focused on them exclusively.

After an amount of time - I couldn’t tell how much - we pulled apart a bit, still in an embrace but not quite as close. “Still doing good?” Sloan panted out.

“So good.” I said. “If you want to go farther I’m willing.”

Sloan thought for a second, then shook their head. “Not here. That’ll have to wait for after my shift. I don’t want to get THAT much in trouble with my boss.”

I laughed, managing to get to my feet. They did as well, and I helped them smooth out their uniform to try to hide the evidence of our little escapade. Their hair was well mussed from my hands grasping through it, so I attempted to fix it. With a few brushes of my hand in a more orderly fashion, it almost worked.

Sloan took out their phone to look at themselves. They laughed too. “Sloan Cameron, back in action, baby!” They mimed finger guns at me.

Clutching my heart in faux pain, I blew them a kiss and headed back out to the front. Just as they predicted, the ice cream shop was barren. “Looks like your job’s safe, Sloan.”

“Of course! You didn’t doubt me, did you?” They said.

As the flood of emotions faded from me, I suddenly started to notice one thing that I can’t believe I hadn’t up until now. I was freezing. “How cold is it back there?” I said, starting to shiver.

“It’s an ice cream freezer! I’m just used to it.” They said with a smirk. “I’ve got an idea, though…” They threw their jacket at me. “Just bring it back to me later! I just keep it here just in case, I’m not using it much anyway. It’s hot out.” Grabbing a scrap of paper, they quickly scrawled in messy handwriting a note and handed it to me. It was their dorm room, their phone number, and a heart. “See you soon!”

#venture overwatch #fanfic #chloe writes #venture x reader #sloane cameron #sloan cameron

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lastoneout · 2 days

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I s2g these like...third party? clinics that doctors send you to for MRIs and x-rays and stuff like that are run by absolute clowns.

I get an order to go an ultrasound of a weird spot on my skin that's probably just torn soft tissue just to make sure nothing's going wrong and I call them and they schedule me for the 6th of June, but tell me that the order I got from the urgent care place needs to be from the clinic supervisor, not the NP who saw me, so I need to go get that fixed, and also to tell them that the NP isn't in their system so they need to fax them documents to update her info. Okay, I'm not an employee there so idk how that last bit is my problem, but whatever.

In between this call and me having time to go to the urgent care clinic I get a call telling me actually they don't have anyone who can do the ultrasound on the 6th so I need to come in on the 30th. Great, whatever. This has happened before, sometimes DAY OF with these types of places so while it's annoying, I'll live.

There's less time before my appointment now so same day I go down to the urgent care place and explain all that and the desk lady seems to have no clue what the hell I'm talking about and just gives me a copy of the order and says if the ultrasound place needs updated stuff they have to request it, which is the opposite of what I was told but whatever!

So I call the ultrasound place and explain and the guy is like "uh no you should be fine with the order" and then to be sure he checks the info and is like "oh this doctor's info is out of date" and then he has me stay on the line and give him the urgent care clinic's phone number and address and again! I am not an employee there!! Why is this my job!! But whatever, he says I'm good, so I'm good.

Today, the 29th, I get another call from the ultrasound place informing me that actually, they don't even perform this procedure in Tucson AT ALL and if I want to get it done I either have to GO TO PHOENIX or get my order sent to a different clinic that does these. I do not understand why this information was not given to me immediately the first time I called, and now I have to go down to the urgent care clinic AGAIN and beg them to update the order, and idk if they'll even be able to do that bcs this is an urgent care clinic not my PCP, but whatever guess I get to go beg! And continue to worry about the soft-tissue tear bcs it isn't going away on it's own and idk if there's something legit wrong with me or not.

I fucking HATE these little third party clinics so much they are always canceling the day before or telling me actually I need to go to another location bcs they can't do it at this one or claiming they called me to tell me the date got moved when I didn't get a phone call AT ALL. Why are they so poorly managed. Why does no one know who works at what location or what location does what procedure. Y'all are doing serious diagnostic tests to confirm if people have like cancer or some shit, I've had procedures done at them twice to make sure I don't have cancer, but they still play SO fast and loose with people's time and yank us around.

I genuinely miss the days when they would just send you to the hospital to have this stuff done, they aren't great but at least when they say they can do something they can actually do it. Jesus christ. I'm so tired.

#long post #vent #negative #cw cancer mention

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seiya234 · 2 days

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*hits fantasy blunt* what if Henry grew up with Mabel and Dipper, that would be weird, right, anyway thank you to @soulsinshadow who inspired this and @marypsue who i'm pretty sure i texted about this once or thrice.

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The year after the Transcendence, Wendy’s dad got a call. Tyler had picked up the phone, gone pale, then turned to Wendy and said “Go get your Dad- now.”

Dad had never gotten in the habit of carrying a cell- the service in the forest was too spotty, even after all these years- so this meant Wendy had to get in the golf cart and start looking for him.

Tyler was still on the phone when they got back an hour later. He handed the phone to Dad without even a peck on the cheek.

Her father listened. Two minutes in he said, “Yes, of course, bring him here.” He looked at Tyler, who nodded. “Talk to my husband. He can handle the logistics.” Dad practically threw the phone at Tyler, then rushed outside. Wendy went to go follow, but Tyler gently grabbed her arm. “Honey, not right now.”

Outside, her father screamed out load, a roar that shook the windows of the house. Wendy turned to look outside the kitchen window just in time to watch her father uproot a twelve foot pine tree, throw it to the side, before collapsing to the ground, deflated.

From behind her, finally off the phone, Tyler said. “I’ll take care of him Wendy.”

(left unspoken was ‘That isn’t your job anymore.’ Wendy appreciated it more than she ever could say.)

“Why don’t you get the spare room ready, if you please?”

“For how long?”

Tyler looked outside, at his heartbroken husband. “For good, I think.”

Two days later, Wendy’s cousin Henry came from the hospital to live with them.

It was a weird time, a limbo time.

There were two Stans now. Soos decided to leave town for a bit, to see the world and move in with Melody (though Wendy had a feeling they’d both be back). She figured out that while boys were fun to play with, really though, she liked girls. Tambry and Robbie were still going strong which she was pleasantly surprised about. She still worked at the Shack but the wind had gone out of Stan’s sails which meant the wind had gone out of the Shack’s sails and it all felt sad and diminished.

Above all, there was a Mabel and Dipper shaped hole in town. They should be in Gravity Falls- hell, even as someone as insensitive to all this weird magic shit as Wendy could feel the ache of the town, the loss sucking like a black hole.

But they would be back. She knew it.

And then there was Henry.

------------

No one told her how Henry had ended up in the hospital, and Dad had actually pulled her aside to tell her not to ask. As someone who had been the deputy adult in the house for many years, Wendy was a little miffed at first to not know, but that died the day she met her cousin for the first time, all long limbs far too skinny, and hollow eyes and little round burns still healing.

(Years later, Wendy finally found out what Rita and Arnold had done, to send Henry to the hospital and them to jail.

She gave Dipper a snickers bar each, to make it look natural.)

----------

Henry was a Corduroy all right: red hair, freakishly tall, looked good in plaid.

He read. A lot. He was at the library every other day practically. It was summer vacation, but Wendy had a feeling Henry would do okay in school. He probably wouldn’t have a lot of friends, but neither would he get teased. He was surprisingly good at the house chores, slipping into dish and living room rotation seamlessly. Thankfully he wasn’t a weird fundie like Aunt Rita and Uncle Arnold- Kevin asked the first week if they needed to say grace, for Henry.

Very quietly, but very firmly, Henry said, “No.”

It was the first thing that he had said since he moved int. He proceeded to not say another word for the next eight days.

It was okay. Wendy could be patient, when she wanted to. As a child she would wait for hours, hands outstretched, until birds would finally land on her fingers and eat the seed cupped in her palms.

This was just basically a larger bird.

--------

He read. He helped Dad with the trees, even though it left him pale and shaking with exhaustion when he got back to the house. He took long walks in the woods by himself- sometimes as the mood took him because he would occasionally forget to put on his shoes before leaving. He began to speak, though still only a sentence or two- simple, polite, phrases, nothing more.

But she waited, and she waited, and final, one day as they were cleaning up after dinner, Wendy casually said, “You don’t have to go out with Dad, you know?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Out in the woods. I mean, Dad won’t say no to the help and you get a cut of the score but-“

“Wendy, I apologize for interrupting, but did you say that I get… a portion of your dad’s pay?”

She couldn’t help but start a bit. “Uh yeah? You’re out there helping, of course dad will throw you a bone. He doesn’t get paid until next week but I’m pretty sure you’ve earned at least a hundo-“

“Hundo?”

“… hundred or two hundred dollars.”

“Oh.” It was odd, for someone as big and tall as Henry, to have a voice so soft and quiet. “But… I don’t have to?”

“Nah.” Wendy was going to go on a bit more, but then she looked at Henry, looked at how pale he was.

Realized that he wasn’t shaking and sweating when he got home from lumberjacking because he was tired.

“No one is going to force you to do something you don’t want to do here, Henry,” she finally managed to say.

“The Bible says to honor thy mother and father.” Henry paused. “The brother of thy father I guess but the point still stands.”

“But do you still believe that? Like, really?”

He was deadly quiet. But finally he said, “No.”

Without warning, Henry got up and went outside- again without shoes.

But he began to talk more after that.

#transcendence au #seiya writes!#gravity falls #wendy corduroy

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