#its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years.

[dear-ao3]

Question for the mods....

HOW IN THE FUCK DID YOU MEET???

Like what???

How??

I am so god damn curious about you two. I wanna study yall under a microscope lol

Also ngl kinda envious of how close of friends you two seem to be. (Being an introverted shy af mofo sucks lmao)

I would actually probably read a whole ass book or watch a sitcom or something of the seemingly ever present weird-ass shit that seems to happen on a day-by-day basis.

/gen /lh /nf /pos

2018 newsies fandom. we weren't overly close but we bonded over race and albert a little and then katya dropped off the face of the earth for about a year.

during 2020 lockdown we both independently got into the witcher fandom and somehow ran into eachother again and had the fingers pointing OH MY GOD Y O U !!! moment in our dms. we bonded over hating jaskier. during this time we realized we were both dancers and katya was looking at dance colleges, i was already in college for dance and since it was lockdown and we couldn't go anywhere i told katya my experience auditioning at places to give him a good idea of places. and then i broke every internet safety rule known to man and said hey what if you had applied to my college but didnt know it?? and then one thing led to another and i dished out all the tea on my school. (only After that did we face reveal and give eachother our names lol) and then katya applied. mostly as a joke. until it wasnt a joke because that school gave katya a shit load of money and actually had stuff katya wanted to do. katya ended up coming to one of my zoom ballet classes and it took everything we had to not loose our shit on camera.

during this time we mostly kept eachother sane in lockdown writing witcher fanfic, and sending eachother awful thirst traps on instagram to pitbull music. one of our awful bits was using the dilf filter to make bad frat boy edits.

come august of 2021 we both moved into college. the same college. in the same building. it was wild. i pinched myself several times in shock. we went on a walk around campus with some worms on strings and were like what the hell how did we get here.

we continued to hang out and did weird insane things together. we took a class on the french revolution together where i had to put up with katya and fennec awkwardly flirting (read: making finger guns at eachother).

and then, since i was 2 years older, i was graduating and was going to stay in the area for a job and was like hey. what if we got an apartment together? and then we did. several adults agreed to this. idk why they let us. but now we live together in a real life apartment and we haven't even killed eachother yet. neither of our parents know that we met online. each of them have a different fake story as to how we know eachother and we really just hope they are never in the same room long enough to ask eachother about it. but its insane. 12/10 would recommend.

katya wanted me to include old tumblr screenshots of us talking, heres what i found from circa 2020:

we've always been like this lol

and heres some ancient greatest hits from instagram, i dont have context and trust me you dont want it:

every now and then the two of us look at eachother and go. how the fuck did we end up here??? (we have no idea)

#not a tag #from saph #storytime ig lol #sorry for the god awful quality #essentially we are basically dan and phil which is insane

[puppyeared]

its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously

#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to #im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but #because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of #exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something #and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh #and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing #because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant #even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still #its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn…. #if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about #I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird #maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel #a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t #I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to #be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol #idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week #had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting #yapping #does this count as vent #vent #Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly

[moonlume]

tumblr said draw something bad so I did but I'm mad I still didn't feel anything

#man i started tagging this and i cant even bring myself to do it. hashtag art hashtag illustration hashtag capitalism. #sorry to be sadposting... tumblr is the only place i can admit ive actually been really really struggling with my love for art... #i should be grateful. i should be thankful for the fact that i can do art as my job. i shouldnt be whining about it like this. #but theres a hole in my soul where my joy for creating used to be and i dont know how to fix it. i want to love to draw again. #its been like this for probably over a year now and i dont know what to do. i cant abandon everything ive been working on for 7 years. #im also unemployable. so its not like i would dare to quit moonlume...but i just want to find joy in it again... #but capitalism has dug its wretched claws into my skull so badly that everything has been feeling incredibly soulless. i hate it. #anyway. might delete this later. its unprofessional but this is the one website where i can let go of professionalism for 5min and be human. #i dont hate what i do and i really am thankful..i just i wish i wasnt so stressed about making everything look good and perfect and sellable #but at this point its subconsciously connected to my survival that every time i think about drawing i stress myself out before i even start #ugh idk. neither here nor there. cant quit but dont feel connected to my work but cant change what i do or i will alienate my audience 👍

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

[nexus-nebulae]

we figured out recently that the reason we don't really want to put any -genic labels on us is because to us they function exactly like how agab labels do now. they're pretty much useless because all it tells you is a snapshot of your early days, and doesn't necessarily tell you who you are or how you function now

#saying im traumagenic feels like saying im afab. like yea it might be TRUE but i dont wanna IDENTIFY by it #and also my past is too fucking complex and hard to remember to put a direct label on exactly what caused it #i think it was a lot of factors not just trauma so i don't think I'm FULLY traumagenic either #but like the way people talk about traumagenic vs endogenic systems feels like they're describing completely different things sometimes #and previously the way i functioned might have looked more traumagenic or endogenic to an outsider #but it changes over time like. our system has been around for YEARS of course its function changes #so we don't wanna use genic labels because it doesn't fit with The Now #i think the suffix for what labels we'd prefer would be -based??? i think??? #yeah im pretty sure its -based #i think now we'd probably identify as neurobased then #we just like neuro- more right now i don't know why

[arionawrites]

1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!

2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr

3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!

overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!

#aritalks #i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use #not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before #and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk #but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day! #the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow #also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years #(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years #and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk) #was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!! #i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight #so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday #my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work #my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all #over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins) #but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered #(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting #when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so #just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my #mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19) #so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her #and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too #i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure #out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still #dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not #the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one #if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it #but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help #and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks #just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️

[hellhoundlair]

venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed

#my dad and i used to watch adventure time together and my dad LOVED simon and marcy and he learnt daddy why did you eat my fries on the #guitar and i used to sing it with him. and one time when i was 14 ish and severely depressed and anxious we had people over #and my dad was talking about adventure time lmao and was getting his guitar and wanted me to sing it with him and i just said NO. #because i was mad at him. and embarassed. and we never sung it together ever again. its been too long now. that window has closed. #but i wish we could #my relationships with my dad never really recovered after my teen years and its hard to talk to him. #i wish i could talk to him. we are really similar. in the bad ways too #vent #SORRY GUYS i need to find a therapist #my family just never talks abt their feelings. or when they do its when theyre angry. i dont feel like i can bring this up to them. #i just hate knowing i rejected my dad like that. he probably saw me not wanting to sing w him as very personal. not that hed ever say it #AND FUCKIN INTERSTELLAR me and my dad both loved interstellar at a time when i was -again- severely depressed and locking myself in my room #and the father and daughter go have scenes that feel very similar to things that were going on in my house at the time. where shes #baracading the door and not letting people in. it rly hit home is what im saying #and my dad loved the movie i loved it too but the family relationships in the movie were never discussed whenever we talked abt it #but for christmas one year my dad gave me a watch. like the one fuckin matthew mcconoughey give his daughter in the movie #and i wear it all the time. it makes me fuckin cry sometimes that stupid fucking watch. but it means so much. #i just wish hed talk abt his fucking feelings so i wouldnt need a watch to know my dad still loves me #also this post is about transitioning and my dad feeling like he lost that father daughter bond with me but we wont get into all that

[kingmaximusboltagon]

NEW KARNAK FIGURE DROPPING IN SEPTEMBER!!!

#what does it mean.... what does it MEAN #in the line up for the marvels!!!! now obviously it doesnt HAVE to mean anything #bc like iron man and captain america and hulk r obviously not gonna b in the movie #BUT THIS FEELS IMPORTANT THIS FEELS GOOD #i dont think any of the family have like. ANY merch since 2017??? #or probably anyone other than kamala tbh #IM EXCITED!!!!!! AAAAAA KARNAK FIGURE!!!!! HE HASNT HAD ONE SINCE 2015!!!!!!!!! #karnak mander azur #kamala khan #inhumans #plus like i know marvel boy isnt an inhuman BUT ITS SO EXCITING THAT HES HERE TOO #id in alt text #edit: ok i actually think his last figure was 2012. TRITON had a 2015 fugure #ITS BEEN OVER TEN YEARS!!! KARNAK MY BOY!!!

[kohakhearts]

well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas

#taylor.txt #incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks #like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any #treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really #feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i #despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it #i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni #thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious #anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week #and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why #the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments #has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but #theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed #again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude #i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process #and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to #say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is #also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over #i PROMMY

[autistickfigure]

first time they meet. Technically. not really

#flowers arts #steve #system accountability is DEAD and we KILLED HIM #steve voice Its all your fault. BOB voice Its all your fault (They are equally at fault) #eve has been dreaming about this for a long time. so he kinda thought he'd got it down by now #steve loves BOB and thinks he can do no wrong But also loves to blame him for everything he (and herself) did wrong. #BOB doesnt think that steve is real and also hates it. they dont have normal conversations #steve gets really sad when zes fronting alone and BOB gets Maladaptive daydream core when he fronts alone. #which is why he feels that way about steve. AND steve is keeping this whole system thing under raps except not really #Some of that is just BOB not caring i feel. its hard not to spill over thoughts hes just this way. THEYRE FUNNY. #steve tries to be cool but hes kind of lame whenever he does that. and BOB is always lame #if BOB were not obsessed with humans steve wouldn't look that way too probably. maybe he'd just be a stickfigure #ONE more thing. steve found out about the system thing because of green when he was like 1-10. on the phone. #he had an app to track that stuff when he found out but then he realized that hes 2 billion years old and probably a lot of alters. #AND he didnt know what to set as profile pictures AND didnt want BOB to find out so it was quickly abandoned. BUT thats how green knows ste #e. and they are friends despite steve wanting to be alone when fronting. ITS also funny because green hates BOB. and ocassionally says her #name in public. but greeen is also a system so its ok. (But he doesnt know because he thinks its viruses. WELCOME TO MY twisted world)

[spacemilkbag]

.

#had to sit down for a bit because i got so overwhelmed i started crying #not in a bad way! its just #that server that was 2 over years of my life #and I've never before been so invested in a fandom like this time #even thought I havent been following the lore as much as i did in 2020 and early 2021 #and especially after t.echnos death #but this was the most fun ive had and ill be forver grateful for the memories from this server and for the people i met here #on tumblr doesnt matter if we're mutuals or not #i dont know if I'll have time to watch all of the new streams from the s2 but im really excited to see what happens next #probably no one's gonna read this but if you are #i love you <3 #going to sleep now gn

[lessthanimpressedlesbian]

It's times like these that I remember my mom also has chronic anxiety

#i dont know what set it off this time #but shes coming over to cut down some weeds on this property #shes worried about being cited even though the weeds havent been cut in over a year and we haven't been told anything #my wife says the people only cite if someone calls in a complaint or they see a bad yard while patrolling #i doubt they will cite us #but now i have to prepare things because we havent raked up the dog poop in a while and i just know shes gonna be on my ass about it #i just hate how she will decide randomly to show up and do maintenance on the yard #my wife and i have very little energy so we do whats needed to make things passable #and i guess thats not enough for her so she feels like she has to take care of it #i wish she could give me more than 2 hours notice #i wonder what exactly set off her anxiety this time #i hope she'll see that its really not that bad and will leave soon after #im particularly not excited because shes probably gonna drag my twin over too #and i dont want to deal with him at all #this week has been horrible #i hate it

[the-kipsabian]

.

#idk if i burned myself out finally or what this is but im just sad and upset that writing isnt all of a sudden working out for me #like i get it not everything can be a certified banger but ive felt that the last few just. havent been that good in general? #i just miss feeling good about writing stuff. i miss enjoying it. i mean i am but. also i dont think i am. i dont know #im just. afraid. last time i lost my will to write it took almost two years to fully get it back #and now its last for a good few months without much of issues until now #im probably just over dramatic and over thinking it but just. i dont want to lose this. but recently everything ive tried to do feels just #like a chore. and that its not good enough. and that it sucks. and that i suck #i dont wanna feel that. this isnt great. nothings great everything sucks #im just gonna try to sleep. not that its gonna change anything but maybe i'll feel at least a little better. doubt it but yeah #whatever really #night is an absolute mess on main

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so ive been in contact w a clinic for a specific treatment plan&ive been getting paperwork together for this shit for like 3wks+ #&i just got a call about it-- a call ive been waiting for since last week-- only for them to tell me that #ill probably need to be hospitalized for the full extent of the treatment. lmao. #as if this in&of itself was not enough to send me full-on spiraling they let know that this will be totally out of pocket #(which i guess im more or less used to hearing at this point in my life lmao) #&also that i POPPED FOR AMPHETAMINES? #so i immediately start fucking freaking out&the person im talking to is trying to calm me down like #'its okay! youre not in trouble!' #&honest to god if i had been in person i wouldve smacked someone lmao. #i dont give a fuck what you fucking ppl think of me. ive been fighting for solid communication for this entire process #there isnt any reason i should feel inclined to respect any of you bitches enough to give a fuck about your opinion. #even if i didnt have my personal history or occupational hazard list IT WOULD BE CONCERNING TO FIND OUT I HAVE RANDOM DRUGS #IN MY SYSTEM THAT I WAS UNAWARE OF. &frankly that SHOULD be fucking obvious if i am panicking at all. #seeing as a did several different drug tests i dont see how any of it would come as a fucking surprise. #... then she realized that my blood test was negative&my piss test was 'presumptively positive' #&was like that bc of one of my other medications. #im not. THRILLED. that this was overlooked for a large variety of reasons lmao #but the fact that the med evals only last two weeks tops the list bc if i need to retest bc of this shit-- something that wont even #give them a different test result as i am still taking the same medication fucking daily as i have been for over a year now-- #i will need to do EVERYTHING again. for no reason. DEFINITELY for no reason caused by me. #all so they can tell me that they lied to me initially&they wont treat me unless i let them hospitalize me lmao. #im going to go fucking rabid. i Do Not want to be hospitalized. lmao.

[devotedlystrangewizard]

as im getting closer & closer to the day that i will officially leave my hometown & go live with my dad i am starting to understand my ocs more

#avani most notably rn. bc shes actually my age and leaves behind everyone and everything she knows #having to grow up the rest of the way in an entirely different situation #because even if the situation youve been in for all your teen years has sucked ass the entire time its still. #its familiar? like. yk. familiar suffering is better than the unknown #personal #ive lived in that house my entire life. ive been with my dad for long stretches of time (all of summer break for instance) and it was fine #i KNOW i cant stay there. my mom's partner has actually physically hurt me and theyre both awful to me #and i also know that the only reason why its been somewhat good there lately is because i rarely speak to them anymore #that is not a house to live in! and i fucking love my dad. my stepsiblings. my stepmom!! #and its not even just the fact that im moving. right. i could probably handle that were it not for me also finishing high school. #i got financial support as a student whos 18+ while i was in high school. now its. #i need to get an income. in a region i barely know. being both physically & mentally disabled. #but not so disabled that im *incapable* of work!! which the law here asks for!! #(or i am and i just dont realize it because ive been working past my limits for so long ive forgotten what they are el em ay oh) #also ill miss my cat so fucking much #i love my dad's cats but shes special man #i miss her rn actually but im going back for the last time in a few days so #i was like. tearing up bc of the anxiety but then i remembered my cat and now im actively trying not to cry loudly #bc its. yk. almost 6 am and its almost waking up time for everyone here except me because. my school ended last month #its bedtime for me actually but i couldnt sleep because i was too busy crying over the fact that i am never going to get that room back #i miss being a child #at least back then it wasnt that complicated! i didnt know i was being mistreated when i was 11! #all of this doesnt even matter that much im just really bad with transitions. which is ironic. im transgender #though granted ive put off getting on that list for that exact reason. im scared of transitioning #like the moment im comfortably settled here and have a job and/or disability benefits. all of this will just be embarrassing #something to look back on and laugh. and then cry because i still miss my cat.

[arthur-r]

hi how is everybody doing??

#im ok im a little bit terrified about how i’m graduating in a couple seconds #by which i mean months but it feels that way #and like hooray i get to move away and be transgender and study history and help people and everything i’ve always wanted to do #but also. the kids in my graduating class. i dont know all of them. a lot of them hate me. but at least they’ve been familiar faces #and the idea of going away to a college where nobody knows my name is kind of terrifying #like i know the entire point is to reinvent myself. but isn’t that scary?? i’m going to become somebody new and that terrifies me #anyway i’m so normal regular. in other news i’m about to have a cranberry orange muffin. so wish me luck with that #anyway there’s this girl i kind of like and i kind of wanted to say something but now it’s kind of pointless #she’s going to the u of m. i’m going to wisconsin. that’s just the end of the road isn’t it?? #nothing is strong enough to say anything. but the problem is it’s like this in high school and i go to college and reinvent myself #then what?? i leave college and reinvent myself again!!!! get a masters reinvent myself again!! move towns reinvent myself again!! #struck by the realization that nothing in life is ever permanent except for death. how terrifying is that #anyway i am so normal and regular and cool and good feeling. everything will really truly be okay it’s just #idk. it’s weird being at this stage in my life. didn’t mean to ramble on like that though #so anyway i hope you all are well and would love to know how you are doing. other than this stuff i’m just hanging out #sending all the love to my senior friends who are in this predicament. and my junior friends who aren’t here yet. and whoever else shdhdf #but especially my friends who are my age or like a year older who are in this same kind of soon-to-be-overwritten high school experience #wish you the best of luck finishing and starting over. and try not to take it as seriously as i’m doing its probably not that bad rationally #and so anyway i hope you are doing well and let me know how you’ve been!! hope everybody is okay #ask to tag idk if this was vent territory but it was like. kinda nearly. i can tag with whatever #me. my post. mine. #college talk #(sorry!!) #delete later