#i never gave myself to heal after our breakup

[lacesgirl]

late drunk talks|m.riddle

summary: You and Pansy going to the party with a twist but you ended up sober and a little sad.

parings: Mattheo x fem!reader, Draco x Pansy

warnings: Bad grammar, drinking, smoking, kinda angst

word counts: 1900

author's note: Ignore all grammar mistakes bc English is not my first language. Also my best friend broke up with his gf and his gf told me that she's going to cheat on him but get together after two days later. So they kinda gave me idea for this.

“Come on Pansy, a little party never killed nobody” I said as I entertained our dorm.  

I hated seeing her like this after the breakup. Her messy hair, makeup smudged all over her eyes. Always crying and never smiling. I can’t deny that she loved Draco more than anything but he couldn’t ruin her any more. I walked up to her and lifted her head. 

“Just one party, so you can show him his loss” I tried to convince her. 

“Y/n do we really have to do that” she asked. I looked at her and she knew that I’m not gonna let up on her. 

“We’re going to have so much fun and since it’s a Halloween party you can dress as slutty as it’s possible.” I told her. “But I’m dressing as an unknown slut because I want to spend the whole night with you.”

“Thanks.” she said while hugging me. 

I couldn’t say that I feel responsible for what happened because I persuaded boys to have their nights while I spent the whole night with Pansy and it turned out that Draco cheated on her. 

“Let’s get ready if we want to look like something,” she said.

After some time me and Pansy were looking at our reflections in the mirror. “Wow you look like not you” Pansy claimed. “You really did a great job because I wouldn’t recognize you sober, not to talk about being under the influence” she added. 

“I tried my best,” I told her. 

She was right. I put on a red haired wig, did my red lips which I was never doing this way and put on the most revealing top I had. My matching tattoo with Pansy was visible which only me and Pansy knew about since we did it on that fucking night. I didn’t have occasion to show it to Mattheo because Pansy was more important at that time. So I could proudly say that even I didn’t recognize myself. 

“But let’s talk about you. You look like the reason why Draco is going to regret even more that mistake he did” I complimented her. 

“You think so,” she asked while pushing her boobs even more. She looked delightful in this claret mini dress.

“I’m not blind” I said. 

She screamed and this was probably the first time she smiled in the last few days.

“I think I did too much by wearing this skirt” I said as we’re walking to the club because I had to lower it every 5 minutes . 

“Shut up and put on your  mask already” she commanded me while she was dragging me. 

But I could swear that by every step my ass was visible but does it really matter if Pansy was happy.

“Are you ready?” I asked her as we’re standing in front of the club. She just dragged me inside. 

Music was blasting too loud and there were drunk people and alcohol everywhere. But I missed this feeling when our group was going out to party. I was walking behind Pansy which was almost running to the bar. 

Alcohol sometimes was healing wounds and sometimes was fixing relationships. But most of the time alcohol ruins everything. 

I was looking for Mattheo because we didn’t spend much time together lately. He was comforting Draco and I was comforting Pansy. I saw Theo with a random girl which wasn’t anything new. Blaise was standing near the wall with Draco. Malfoy was wasted and Zabini was telling him something. Lorenzo was dancing and Mattheo was just a wallflower but he was smoking as usual. He looked so pretty and I wanted to run and hug him but instead Pansy gave me a drink. I could tell this night couldn’t just end up good. After endless measures of alcohol and dance I took Pansy outside. I needed to smoke.

“How do you feel?” I asked Pansy while giving her lighter.

“Like I was reborn, I missed this feeling” she responded while inhaling a cigarette.

“I’m glad that you’re happy after all” I said and put my head on her shoulder. “ Drunk cig is the best thing in the whole world,” I added.

This night was so peaceful. The moon was shining, a cold wind was whipping all over my body but it didn’t matter. It was just me and Pansy against the world. I felt relieved that it’s going to be okay, everything will be as it used to be. And then he came. He ruined this moment. Draco fucking Malfoy and Blaise who was trying to stop him. But Draco always got what he wanted, no matter what. Sometimes alcohol makes us do what we don’t want to do sober. I looked at Pansy and she became so pale, and I could already see that her eyes had become watery. 

“Y/n leave us alone, and take Blaise with you” she whispered. 

I took her mask and I got up. I looked at her last time then I walked up to Blaise. I pushed him and gave him Pansy’s mask. “Stay there and give it to Pansy when they’re done” I said and inside the club. I headed to the bar and ordered myself another drink. Then I walked up to Mattheo.

“You must love your girlfriend so much,” I claimed.

“How do you know I even have one?” he asked and smiled.

“You came to the club, you’re being a wallflower and you ignore every girl that tries to do anything with you” I stated.

“I didn’t know that Pansy had a new friend,” he said.

“Because I’m not her new friend. I just met her while I was going there” I responded to him and took a sip from my drink. Just don’t break the character.

“Yeah, I love her more than anything” he sighed, then he took a photo from wallet. It was our photo. “She's just so great. I don’t know what I did in my previous life but I don’t deserve her. She’s so kind and takes care not only for me but for our friends. Maybe she’s doing that because nobody ever did that for her. She’s like a guardian angel. Always know what to do or what to tell when life sucks. She’s making our life better even though she doesn't have a good life. She’s smart without even trying, and so lovely. I love it when she comes to my dorm and just starts talking because I usually don’t know what to say. She fills the void in my life, even when she’s saying random facts about things I’ve never heard of. Y/n is just like a Sun. I wish she was here tonight because in the past few days we didn’t spend so much time with each other and I miss her” he added. But something about him was off. It didn’t feel right because he wasn’t the kind of man who would say things like this. Not even drunk.

“You don’t look happy” I said because he wasn’t happy when he told me this.

“Because I’m not, I hurt her so much” he responded. And at that moment my heart dropped. 

Don’t break the character.

“If you hurt her, why is she with you?” I asked and looked at the photo once again.

“I didn’t tell her, I just can’t hurt her even more,” he responded.

“Then tell me, so maybe you will feel better” I said while he was passing me a cigarette.

“Y/n and I had awful fight. So I did what I do the best and I drank. I drank to much and got into a fight. She was nowhere to clean my wounds, tell me nice things, just comfort me. This random girl came to me. She looked so much as Y/n and she comforted me. And that's the part where I hurt her. That's the part where I start hating myself. I kissed that girl. It  wasn't something intimate or valid to me. I break the kiss right after I kissed her but I still fucked up. This few fucking second wasn’t worth it at all. I don't know what I'm supposed to do” he said but I could tell it was a relief to him. 

My eyes became watery and I wanted to hit him, not once, not twice, I wanted to just hit till somebody pulled me away. The only man I’ve ever loved turned out to be just like any other man. At that moment he ruined everything. I wanted to tell him something but I was so close to start crying so I just inhaled a cigarette. I looked again at our photo. We were so happy… I was so happy. Just me and him at Black Lake on our anniversary date. I was too bustling looking at this photo and I didn’t spot Pansy and Draco coming to us. Together. And then she ruined everything. She was happy and drunk so she didn’t care anymore of me and Mattheo being together.

“Y/n” she screamed “Me and Draco get back together”

“Y/n” Mattheo whispered and tried to touch me but I was already walking to Pansy. 

“I’m so happy, but now I need to clear my head. And tomorrow I’m going to kill you and Draco for all this” I told her while hugging her. I tried so hard not to cry but she was too drunk to notice anything. She just waved at me and I got lost in the crowd.

I was sliding through the crowd, while taking off my mask and wig. My eyes were burning but I couldn’t cry here. I couldn’t cry on Mattheo’s eyes. He doesn’t get the view of me being like this. All of a sudden I was sober. Alcohol vanished into thin air just like my happiness. The only thing that had left was this fucking photo. I walked outside and a cold wind smashed my bare shoulders, but I didn’t care and he touched my hand. His touch, once so warm now, was even colder than the wind.

“Y/n wait. Don’t go. Love I’m…” Mattheo said. 

“Don’t call me love, you lost everything to call me this” I chopped him off. 

“Don’t say this” he responded and tried to hold my face in his arm but I shifted away.

“How long you wanted to keep this. You tell this random girl but you can’t even look at me now” I told him. But his eyes were telling me everything. I snorted because I didn’t care what I’m going to do next. 

“You see how happy we were back then” I said and showed him a photo. “I hope that you’re going to remember that because it’s not going to happen anymore.” I screamed and mussed the photo just to throw it in his face. 

I started walking, completely ignoring his calling out. I didn’t care anymore. I couldn’t care anymore about the man that broke my heart. I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I left the love of my life in the middle of the road. I didn’t care that I ruined the only thing that has left from the time I was happy in the middle of the road.

Alcohol sometimes was healing wounds and sometimes was fixing relationships. But most of the time alcohol ruins everything. 

#mattheoxreader #mattheo riddle imagine #mattheo riddle #y/n #pansy parkinson #draco malfoy #theodore nott x reader #lorenzo berkshire #blaise zabini #slytherin imagine #slytherin boys #images #one shot #pansy x reader #draco x reader #fanfic #theodore nott #harry potter #x reader #hogwarts oc #mattheo x y/n #tom riddle x y/n

[rafecameronsmistress]

NO ESCAPE

description] Fem Reader x Rafe Cameron x Barry

[summary] After a rough breakup Rafe sends Barry out to find you at a party and what they have for you in store is a nightmare full of pleasure

[cw + tw] 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT, abusive relationship, physical abuse, strong language, stalking, non con, alcohol use, drug use, gun use, life threatening, degrading talk, angst, fear, embarrassment, SMUT

[authors note] this one is VERY long and has VERY sensitive triggers, please read at your own risk

‼️ADULT CONTENT AHEAD‼️

Enjoy 🖤

________________________________

Text messages:

- Kie: hey are you coming to Sarah’s party tonight? it’s at the water, i can pick you up

- y/n: i dont know.. after everything that happened with Rafe im afraid he’ll show up and i don’t want to see him right now

- Kie: Sarah told me he wasn’t going because she invited pogues lmao

- y/n: i’ll think about it, i’ll call you in an hour or so

- Kie: kk <3

Rafe and i dated for a year before things got bad, we had our ups and downs but never did i expect him to put his hands on me in a violent way

Rafe hit me for the first time a month ago, he said he was sorry and that he just couldn’t handle the way things were going with his family and business

i gave him the benefit of the doubt because he has been under so much stress and sometimes i add to the problem

two days later he hit me again and split my lip open then screamed in my face because i got blood on his shirt

slowly his i love you’s turned into i hate you’s

it’s hard because i love him so much, he was the picture boyfriend, until he wasn’t

i hid the abuse, i didn’t want people to know, just incase he changed

my friends know we ended badly but they just assumed it’s because Rafe is an asshole, everybody knows he is

the first time he threatened to kill me was the day that i left, that was only a week ago

he held me down on the floor of his bedroom with one hand around my throat and the other holding his pistol to my temple “the next time you speak to me like that again i’m going to put a bullet in your fucking skull, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?” his words spit on me like venom

a part of me misses him and that’s why i don’t want to see him tonight, i’ll cave and end up going home with him, i know i will, because i love him

i lay down in bed and close my eyes, i’ll make a decision in a little while

i fall asleep for a few hours and when i wake up i have another text from Kie

Kie: so Sarah and i decided you ARE coming because we need you!! she told me Rafe will not be there, the boys are coming too nothing bad is going to happen!! get dressed bitch i’ll pick you up at 7

i text JJ, John B, and Pope in a group chat

- me: hey all 3 of you are going to Sarah’s party tonight right?

- John B: yeah i’m here now helping her set up

- Pope: yes i’m picking Cleo up soon

- JJ: yep Kie called me and told me that you’re afraid Captain Douchebag will show up so obviously i will be there… and i would like to drink some alcohol…

- me: thanks boys, see you later <3

i let out a sigh of relief, at least those 3 will be able to handle Rafe if he shows up

i undress myself to take a shower and run my fingers over my yellow healing rib cage where Rafe had kicked me a couple weeks ago

tonight will be fun. tonight will be fun. tonight will be fun. i try to convince myself, i deserve to go out

after i shower i do my hair and makeup then get dressed

i throw on a short pink dress and my birkenstock sandals

7:03pm

text message

- Kie: i’m here

Kie is in my driveway playing music on full blast and dancing like a nut which makes me laugh, i’m always thankful for her trying to lift my spirits

We jam out in the car and get ourselves pumped for the party

When we get there i scan the entire lot for Rafes pickup or dirt bike, neither of which i see

“Relax y/n, he’s not coming” Kie says, she grabs my hand and holds it, we share a smile, hers excited, mine nervous

A giant bonfire glows in the middle of a heard of people

Loud music, beer, liquor, and over 100 people- kooks and pogues combined…

if Rafe isn’t coming, he at least has someone watching

i immediately grab a drink to loosen up so i can enjoy tonight, the first one goes down like water so i pour myself a second

“whoaaa slow down there killa, you’re drinking like me right now!” JJ laughs while nudging my arm “i’ll be right here all night, enjoy yourself, i got you” he says with the sweetest smile

i’m on my 3rd drink and 2nd shot, my cheeks feel rosy and i have the urge to move my hips “Sarah! come dance with me!” i demand while holding out my hand

“sorry babe, my girl needs me” she says to John B getting up from his lap, she grabs hold of my hand and we dance, solo cups in the air

the boys stay close by and enjoy watching us make a fool of our selves while they smoke a joint

my phone vibrates

text message:

- Rafe: don’t drink so much, you’ll get sick

tunnel vision. nausea. panic. swallow it, don’t let anybody know.

“i’ll be right back” i tell Sarah “i need to fill my cup”

“okay” she furrows her eyebrows “you okay?”

i give her a nod and the best smile i could

once i’m out of sight i run to Kie’s car, hopping in and locking the doors, i need to sit down, my heart is pounding out of my chest, i can hear the blood rushing in my ears

*knock knock* i jump out of my skin, i’m met face to face with Barry

“open the door sweetheart” he smiles flashing his gold teeth

this can’t be happening.

i go to grab my phone to call JJ. where is my it?

Barry waves my phone in front of my face taunting me. how the fuck did i drop it?

“open the door y/n, don’t make this difficult” he tugs on the handle “open it, i’m not playing witchu right now” i shake my head “country club wants you to come wit me, y’aint safe here without him” his eyes grow darker, i don’t budge

he gets on the phone, he’s calling Rafe “you either come out on your own or i call him and he pulls you out, your choice” i’m scared. i don’t want to make Rafe mad. but i don’t want to see him. i’m getting a headache.

i make the dumbest decision of my life. i open the door, my hands shaking 100mph.

“that’s it, let’s get you home” he says grabbing my hand hard

my face is burning up. my legs grow weak under me. i’m stone cold sober at this point.

we approach the truck, “Barry please“ i plead “i’m sorry mama, y’know him” he helps me into the passenger seat and buckles me in, “can i have my phone please, i need to tell my friends i went home” i cry “can’t letchu do that, what’s ya password, i’ll text ‘em for you” he says, i shake my head rejecting the offer

he starts the truck and we take off

his phone rings “yeah i got her, she was a good girl, she didn’t fight me” he smirks “we’ll be there soon”

i stay silent, Barry puts his hand on my thigh and i flinch at his touch “what’s wrong sweet thing, scared of a little love?” he laughs

we pull up to Tannyhill, Rafe is standing out front with a whiskey glass in his hand, he raises it and smiles at me

my stomach is in knots

i want to scream for help and run

the other half of me wants to jump into his arms and submit

Barry gets out of the truck and walks around opening my door “c’mon, get out” i jump down and fix my dress and fix a smile in attempt to hide my mixed feelings

“you look nice, who’d you get dressed up for?” Rafe asks “nobody” i reply, he laughs “sexy little thing isn’t she?” he asks Barry, “yessir” he grins

i want to crawl inside my own skin

Rafe grabs me by the arm “let’s get inside” he looks at Barry “you comin? you’re not gonna want to miss this”

he brings me to the couch and sits me down, “what to do with you?” he ponders finishing his drink

“Rafe i want to go home” i whimper

“and you know what i want? a girlfriend that doesn’t dress like a slut and go to parties without me” he seethes “since you wanna act like a slut, take your clothes off, i’ll treat you like a slut” his eyes filled with fury

“i’m not your girlfriend anymore” i whisper

“what was that?” he cocks his head to the side

“nothing” i say

i stand up and slowly pull my dress over my head, my knees becoming weak, leaving me exposed in just my panties in front of him and Barry

“lay down on the couch” he demands, i obey “now touch yourself”

“Rafe please i-“ there’s no use in begging, i bring one hand down to my pussy and run it up and down my panties, the thought of them watching begins to turn me on no matter how hard i try to reject the feeling

“she’s sweet” Barry says licking his lips

“wait til you taste her” Rafe says deviously

their words go straight to my heat, i rub my clit in circles arching my back, trying not to let out a sound

“come here” i say holding my hand out to Rafe, my pussy aching for him

“you’re gonna finish yourself off first” he smirks

Barry adjusts himself clearly growing hard, Rafe watches me like a hawk not missing a beat

i pick up the pace now craving dick inside of me, i throw my head back and whimper coming closer to an orgasm, the band in my belly snaps and my legs start convulsing, i ride out my orgasm and when i’m finished i beg to be fucked “come here- please”

Rafe looks at Barry “try her out” he says patting him on the back

the look of fear on my face. Rafe would never let someone else look at me nevermind fuck me.

“since you wanna act like a slut..” he says shrugging his shoulders, then topping off his whiskey

i become embarrassed, im attracted to Barry but being on display is not something im used to

Barry gets comfortable in the chair and pats his lap, he undoes his belt and slides his pants down to his knees, his hard on is enormous even through his boxers

i try to contain my arousal and walk toward him, looking at Rafe for approval, he nods

i lower myself to my knees and pull Barry’s erection from his boxers, it fills my entire hand

“i ain’t even gotta ask to get my dick sucked, you got this one trained man” he laughs

Rafe walks behind me and manspreads on the couch enjoying every second of this

i seal my mouth on Barry, bobbing my head up and down while working my tongue inside “shhhit” he groans, saliva begins dripping out the sides of my mouth

i go to work on his swollen cock, his moans encouraging me to get the job done “that’s it baby” he takes a sharp breath in

“get up and sit on him, facing me” Rafe commands from behind

i rise from the floor, turn around, push my panties to the floor and kick them off

i slowly seat myself on Barry’s length, i gasp taking all of him inside my cunt

his hands reaching in front of me to grab my breasts, he holds onto them and starts pumping into me from below

i try to hold myself up on the arms of the chair while i’m staring directly into Rafe’s lust filled eyes

“ohhmygod- yes- fuck me-” i moan in between breaths

“how does she feel?” Rafe growls not taking his eyes off of me “like a million bucks country club” Barry replies while slamming his hips into my ass repeatedly

“flip her onto the chair and fuck her brains out” Rafe instructs

Barry pulls me off his lap and flips me around, my chest pushed into the chair and my ass in the air he slams into me showing no mercy

i can’t control the sounds coming from my mouth, moaning, whimpering, and screaming at the way i’m being used

Barry pulls out of me and releases on my ass leaving my pussy dripping “you like that shit huh?” he says rubbing my slit from behind “taste her” Rafe says, Barry sticks his fingers in his mouth savoring the taste of me “just like candy” he tells Rafe

my torso still on the chair and my knees on the floor i lay there weak, trying to control my breathing

Barry gets dressed and pours himself a glass of liquor, sitting in the other chair

“c’mon we’re not done, get up” Rafe says, i try to stand but my legs are weak “i think you broke her” he laughs looking at Barry “sorry man, she’s got great pussy” he says

Rafe walks over to me and wraps his hand around my throat, lifting me to my feet, he sloppily kisses me and without warning plummets two fingers inside of me causing me to scream

“who’s pussy is this?” he asks pushing deeper inside of me, “it’s yours” i choke out, his hand still tight around my wind pipe,

“say it again” he growls

“it’s yours Rafe, i’m all yours” i plead

his hand slips into my hair and he guides me to the couch by my head using me like a rag doll

he throws me down on my stomach then pulls my hips into the air

“look at you, you’re a fuckin mess” he smacks my pussy causing me to cry out “you like that?” he smacks it again, i wince in a mixture of pain and pleasure

Rafe pulls me up by the back of my head “open your mouth” i open and he sticks his fingers inside, i suck his fingers just like i would suck his cock, Rafe loves having his fingers in my mouth “dirty fuckin slut” he says

he removes his fingers and forces them into my tender vagina, he works his hand slowly like he’s dissecting my insides, i move my hips back and forth trying to fuck his hand my pussy screaming to be pounded

“she just can’t get enough huh?” Barry says “i told you she was a good one” Rafe smiles

his slides his warm fingers out of me and spits on my cunt, i feel it drip down to my clit “please-“ i look back at him

Rafe pulls his shorts and boxers down exposing his delicious throbbing cock, he’s leaking precum

i brace myself

he taps the back of my pussy with his dick a few times before sliding it in, i feel myself become full of him “i gonna fuck you like i hate you” he whispers

guttural screams escape my lips as he sinks deeper into my swollen used hole, he feels so good

he pushes my face into the couch “shut the fuck up and take it”

i turn my head to the side to catch my breath and see Barry sipping on his liquor enjoying every moment, i hold eye contact with him while i cry out

Rafe picks up the pace, the sound of our skin smacking engulfs the entire room

it all becomes too much, the overstimulation is extreme, i reach back trying to push him away

“i ain’t done” he growls grabbing both my arms and pinning them behind my back “i’m gonna fuck MY pussy as long as i want”

i’m screaming at this point, i can feel him in my stomach, a new sensation arises in my pussy, stronger then an orgasm “Rafe i- i can’t-“ and then i feel a release and a gush of liquid between my legs

“squirting on me like a dirty whore” he smacks my ass hard, “i fucking love it”

“please- please-“ i sob begging him to stop, my body convulsing, eyes rolling in the back of my head

Rafe slams into once more before cumming inside me, he pulls out and places a gentle kiss on my ass

my body goes limp and i lay flat on the couch, he pulls my hips back up and holds them there, “stay up til you soak all of me in”

i lay there defeated, used, and bruised

Rafe wipes the sweat from his brows and puts his pants back on, he walks over to the table and pours himself another glass of whiskey, clinking cups with Barry

they sit across from my numb body and watch me recover

“you’re such a good girl” Rafe praises “you’re never getting rid of me”

#fanfic #obx fanfiction #outer banks #fem reader #obx smut #smut #rafe obx #rafe outer banks #obx rafe cameron #rafe cameron #rafe fanfiction #barry obx #barry obx smut #barry obx fanfiction #outer banks smut

[milliemakesmagic]

So, I have such a huge urge to talk about this. Trigger warning: unhealthy online relationships, and mentions of sexual harassment.

In 2020 during the height of quarantine, my friend (and Pinterest lol) introduced me to this film called, "Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs." I was immediately interested because it was the first time I saw myself as an animated character. I'm a pale, brunette, with brown eyes and a slim figure. (Yes I know, basic, and most girls in fiction look like that, but I actually DO look incredibly similar to how they animated her.) I grew extremely attached to the gifs and pictures I'd find of Red Shoes because

OH MY WORD IT'S ME BUT ANIMATED

It's quarantine. What else am I gonna do.

When I finally saw the movie I absolutely loved the quirky retelling of Snow White, with the absolutely STELLAR women of all sizes empowerment, AND THE KID FRIENDLY WAY OF SAYING DON'T OBJECTIFY WOMEN. 👏👏👏👏👏

But around that same time, I was talking to a boy online who eventually became my online boyfriend. And even though he claimed to be Christian and respectful, he had a LOT of issues with objectifying women...and by extension, me. He claimed to be respectful of boundaries. But he wasn't. My rose colored glasses were so thick that I didn't see it all until after I had loved ones step in to separate me from this guy before things became dangerous. But I truly thought he was the Merlin to my Red Shoes. And in a way, he was. Merlin is a difficult character for me. I LOVE his character arch and charm. But I sometimes can't get over just how much he did for Red Shoes only for her looks. There was a lot that my relationship with this guy. I was stuck with a Merlin that wasn't going to change his ways. His eyes would always stray to prettier things.

After the hellish breakup, I started therapy, and developed a lot of unhealthy coping strategies. When you fall in love during the "end of the world" you kind of assume he's all you have. So when I lost that and then realized that he'd been sexually harassing me and I was too smitten to notice, it was a LOT to take in. "If I'd given up their magic you wouldn't have helped me find my father would you?....Would you? I thought we were both under the same spell. But now I see that, I was wrong."

My ex used to refer to me as Red Shoes, he understood how much I loved that I felt like I was her. And when he and I split, the pain that movie gave me was unbearable. My Merlin never loved me for who I was inside. I was only pretty.

I even had sent him photos of my in my Red Shoes cosplay that I did for my birthday. I was so excited to show him. Next thing I knew he was blocked, and my costume, my own pair of red shoes, were boxed into the closet where they couldn't hurt me anymore.

And I thought that was the end. I wasn't the princess Snow White. I was some twisted version of Red Shoes that got a crappy ending and a pervert for my "prince."

I dated one or two people a few years later. But it was all surface dating. Nothing emotionally invested. And then my friend introduced me to this guy. And you want to know what one of the first things we did together was?

We sat down together and watched Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs. And he held my hand, and squeezed it when he could tell I was getting emotional.

Months later I have a ring on my finger to be his. And tonight as I laid here listening to the Red Shoes soundtrack that no longer hurts like hell, I realized that my love and connection for this movie wasn't ever between me and my online abuser. It was meant to be a stepping stone for me and my now fiancé. That boy wasn't my Merlin. This man, who respects me, loves me, encourages me and builds me up to be all that I can be, HE'S my Merlin, my prince.

We agreed that I'd wear red pumps on our wedding day. To me, it's a reminder of how far I've come and that God never gave up on me.

And with a loving, secure, and healing heart I can finally truly say,

"I got Merlin'd."

#red shoes #red shoes and the seven dwarfs #rsatsd #I'm gonna cry holy crap

[luvlyhyunjin]

The whole situation is so complicated 😭😭😭 like all characters are soooo so complex, especially y/n :((

Tbh yes, Yeji has low key bene a bit mean to y/n and stuff even before she found out the truth, but that’s justifiable bc she was defending her friend, aka Hyunjin! And ofc if I put myself in her shoes, if my friends’ ex left my bff all heart broken, ofc I would have some sort of sour feelings :((. But ofc it’s always important to note that when a relationship ends, it’s not ab finding who to blame! I relationship ends bc it’s simply not meant and that’s ok, that’s just life ://. So imo I do think Yeji is valid for not being all for y/n and Hyunjin BUT idt she needed to be a bitch ab it. However !!! The way she reacted to the news ab the bet and SEUNGMIN, I get that bc in her perspective she was trying to look after Hyunjin.

For Hyunjin’s POV, idk I think it rlly depends on the person. Bc yes y/n did a lot of questionable things, and tbh he rlly does have the option to not listen to her bc tbh if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t either AKSJSKSJA bc like wth !!! I’m online w h and turns out ur doing sm shiz behind my back like ?!?! However, when his own friends shit talked y/n, I thought that was below the belt. It’s natural they don’t like her for what she had done, but Hyunjin still loves her, and love doesn’t just go away. Bc idk maybe it’s a me thing, but when my friends jus breakup w an ex, I make it a point to never talk shit, even if I rlly want to in the first few weeks or so bc it’ll also hurt my friend bc they still love them! That’s why I did find it a bit weird that Hyunjin didn’t rlly tell them to stop but we r all different and deal w our feelings differently. I think it was normal he blocked her bc he needs to heal and get some space fr. Like I said it’s rlly up to him if he wants to listen to y/n. Bc I’m 100% sure she has her reasons but ofc it’ll be hard to listen to her bc he did give her chances to admit the truth but she was scared and never took the chance, so that’s on her.

Tbh I think all of them are just acting immaturely which is rlly normal and human of them! Like I don’t rlly support how some of them r dealing w it, especially w Hyunjin’s friends talking shot ab y/n, the girl he still has feelings for IN FRONT OF HIS FACE :((. Idk like I said, for me I think it’s below the belt bc one, he did love her once :((. Valid for them to not like her but they should give Hyunjin some space from the situation bc it just seems like they’re making it ab themselves. They could’ve just asked how he was and continued from there :((. Idk :((

And for y/n I cannot stress this enough, she should’ve said smthg :(( everyone’s been telling her to come clean and Hyunjin even gave her the chance but she never did, so it rlly gave d impression dat she was playing w Hyunjin and his friends. I think she should’ve said smthg sooner and should’ve jus been honest from the get go. Bc I’m sure Hyunjin would’ve been hurt by what happened and what she did, but at least it would give Hyunjin reassurance that she is honest w him. And it’s understandable that y/n is sort of acting dis way bc of her own personal issues, but dat doesn’t justify her reasons, and doesn’t justify hurting someone else whom is harmless. So I think y/n is in a place of reflection and hopefully she finds some peace :)).

Mad for Chan, I mean ofc he will tell Yeji AKSNWM she is his friend and ofc all the shiz he found out was rlly like messed up so ofc he will tell her, it’s a normal response. I mean he could’ve clarified it w wooyoung, Yuma, and y/n, but idt they’re close to begin w so AKSNAKANA.

Long story short, theyre all just rlly emotional and I think they’re all sort of acting impulsively which is normal :)).

Idk how this whole situation is gonna unfold but I’m rlly hoping for the best for all of them!!

yess this is why i kept saying this is so complicated bc its one of these situations where we could go back and forth on what everyone could have said and did when everything the characters do doesn't always have to be morally correct when they have different personalities and feelings/past judgements are involved thats just very unrealistic i also mentioned to keep note of the pain being so fresh and the shock is settling in bc yk sadness and pain are such complex emotions they could turn into rage or have you thinking differently/irrationally. if this was after a while maybe i could for sure see felix or hyunjin being like "okay guys this is not cool stop it" bc time could have passed and their opinion on yn wouldnt just bc focused on this one bad thing she did

I do agree w u that this felt selfish to hyunjin i think his feelings are not being validated in this situation, his friends are only validating yejis side which is that yn is100% a villain in her story so the first thing she feels for yn is anger and just that. where for hyunjin the way he feels about yn is soso complex bc this is a person who he loved and still loves, shares a past with and thought of her as his soulmate thats why it made so much sense for me that he's isolating himself he doesnt feel like he has a safe space to talk about yn and express his grief and the complexity of still missing her,loving her its similar to the start where he couldnt talk abour his feelings for yn w yeji and only talked about them to lix

Also the whole bangchan situation i do think if someone else heard them things would be different i do believe if it was changbin in that situation he would have 100% talk to yuna and woo first but with chan he had showed multiple times that he doesnt really care about yn and her friends like that and it had been shown also that he's not really a logically thinking person like he had said questionable things throughout the series so

omg thank you for writing ur thoughts to me in detail this is so fun to read and i lovee getting to discuss everything so i hope ur feeling the same as i said its so interesting to see so many different opinions and views this just goes to show how complex we are as humans!! i love it🥹🩷🩷

[zunopious]

12/18/2022 - 11:39pm

I wasn’t going to write anything here anymore but I couldn’t help it. Plus you said its good to put thoughts down on physical surfaces right? I watched La La Land today, it was beautiful. I loved it, I saw you in Mia’s character; I also saw myself in Sebs’. The way you want whats best for people no matter what, and how you give such an innocent love to those around you. You can also get easily discouraged when things don’t go accordingly. When she cried after her audition I pictured her as you because you always talked about not being loved or cared for in the way you wanted. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay. Everything will be okay and you’ll be loved how you want to be loved. Anyone would be a fool not to.

I saw myself in Sebs’ character through his ambition for something greater and his perseverence to wanting to keep pushing through broken glass to get to his goal. He also spoke out of spite which reminded me of me in our arguments towards the end. My therapist said its because I was pushed to a limit but who knows. At the end when Seb saw Mia I envisioned that being us. I couldn’t help but think that be us. I have a feeling the next time i hear or see you, it would be just a passing. I glimpse. And like the scene where an entire seperate universe plays out where they marry, have kids, and settle down will play in my head. I’ll still be happy for you. You deserve love and nothing but. I trust you’re doing well. 

Besides the movie, I also wanted to talk about the entire situation that i got us into. My plan was never to leave you for someone else. I wrote it down in a doc. I didn’t go see her to be around her. She was just in the friend group at the time. I remember one of the weekends after our breakup, I told Zach that i missed you. Weekend after that one i told Sebas and Jay. Truth is i never stopped loving you. Not for a second. Nothing would change that you know, whether or not they would be here. I promised you that i would leave anyone for you. You’ll always be my person that i would choose in a sea of people. 

I know my actions show otherwise but it wouldn’t have changed anything. The reason i never reached out sooner, despite wanting to. Is knowing that you don’t deserve that. I said that it would just be an attatchment, but it wasn’t. It never was. When we kissed again, and your lips hugged mine I felt everything. I felt the warmth of your aura, the memories of every kiss we’ve had, the smell of your apple hair. It was like a lightning bolt struck me. It wasn’t sparks. I was just very very very lost. I am slowly forgiving myself for everything that has happened. 

My therapist said that feeling guilt and remorse means im a good person and that i have done everything i can. I still can’t shrug the feeling of getting over you. I came back too late but its okay, its your time to figure out who you are. To strengthen your open heart and soul. I can see that you’re becoming such an amazing person. I am so proud of you Monse. I can feel that you’re becoming who you want to be, being able to live life yourself. Do what you want to do. I’m happy for you. You were already a stong person before, and now you’ll be stronger. 

I’m sorry I was your lesson in this life but, I’m glad that I was able to help you become who you needed to become. 

You said that it seems like everything was a lie. It never was, for me it was too good to be true. I was afraid of being hurt. You were right about me needing time to heal after the other relationship. If i had taken a bit more time to myself maybe we wouldn’t have parted. 

I like to see myself as a booster rocket for your voyage. I gave you a hard push to get you to where you want to be. You’re happy with yourself now. You feel great, having fun, making new memories with your friends. Being you. I love that you’re happy with yourself. I know you’ll be extraordinary general. I think it’s time to promote you to Chief. I’ll be here for you if you decide to land although, the universe is vast and there are tons of pockets full of life and new plants. I’ll build another ship to find you so we can find ourselves on another adventure. Sounds fun, two chiefs? It’d be a little confusing huh.

I’ll be a better person for sure, this has been a huge lesson for me as well. I am the problem and I am fixing it. I don’t want you to come back to a mess of a person again if you do. You sent me the tik tok of having a part of me with you right? Well I as well. I am basically a mold of you. Everything I say or do is still because of you. I am always reminded. I never liked musicals or going on walks, I didn’t have a style before but these grandpa sweaters hit different. I wasn’t into my spirituality as much, and i wasn’t as understanding either. There are some bad things that i picked up but thats okay, we all can’t be perfect. 

I hope time brings us together once again. I’ll be at your feet worshipping you for the rest of my life if i get the chance. 

We can fold laundry together, but by choice not because it’s our paycheck. 

I love you always and forever, even if you don’t. I’ll never be ashamed of having love for you. I’ll see your ship when i find it. 

[its-just-a-fayz]

Heartbeat On Air: Chapter 20

read on ao3

chapter 19/chapter 21

masterpost

tag list: @emilybarger​ @lordcheesy​ @sheeswee​ @tayuya3​ @sweetlialia​ (hit up my askbox if you want to be added/removed)

“Sam and Quinn had a lot to say. I guess I missed out on a lot,” Diana said when they turned onto the highway. “I wish I hadn’t, but that’s life.” She was focused on the road trying to merge, trying not to see the expression on Astrid’s face.

“It’s ok. I had a lot of fun with them, yeah, but they glossed over some of the sadder parts,” Astrid said, hoping she didn’t come off as bitter. 

“Like what?” Diana asked. She knew that had to be because of the breakup, and the guilt turned her stomach. It was almost good that they were driving, because she would cry if she looked directly into Astrid’s eyes right now.

Astrid paused for a second, taking a deep breath. She loved Diana, and while she didn’t want to make her feel bad about the breakup, she couldn’t just pretend it was nothing either. “Like crying in the car after I left your apartment. Like watching a million romcoms because I was so sad. I actually went over to the Healing Place once, and poured my heart out to Lana. I was a wreck. I threw myself into my schoolwork because I didn’t have anything else. Sam and Quinn just did their best to cheer me up. It wasn’t all great.” Astrid looked out the windshield at the highway rushing by. How many times would they be able to share a moment like this?

Diana did her best to blink the tears out of her eyes. “Astrid, I’m so sorry I did that. I should have known that it would break your heart, and I wish it had never happened. You shouldn’t have had to go through that, especially not because of me.” She tried to keep her eyes on the road, even as she wanted to comfort Astrid, to hold her, even as she was blinking away tears.

“No, no. Diana, the thing is, it sucked for a while,” Astrid said, not knowing how to say this and make her believe it. She put her hand over Diana’s, both of them resting on the gearshift. “But I completely understand why you did it, and in a way, I’m grateful.” She gave Diana’s hand a squeeze. “We’re stronger now, we know what people like Caine can do. We know how to keep them from getting into our heads about our relationship. I love you Diana, and I know it took a lot of thought and bravery to meet me today, and I’m lucky to be with the kind of girl who would do that for me,” Astrid said, letting the words flow out of her in a rush. Her face was bright red, flushed with emotion, and she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the side mirror.

“I have so much catching up to do with you though,” Diana said, smiling, “And I’m glad you’ve forgiven me.” The tears had stopped now, and Diana didn’t really care how goofy her smile might look, because she was happy.

“There’s not much to forgive. So, firing Caine?” Astrid asked. “Please tell me you’re going to do it dramatically and in front of everyone.” She looked over at Diana and her smile, trying to capture the moment in her memory. Everything felt better, lighter. The worst had come to pass, or so she thought.

“Hmm…I really want to make it personal,” Diana said, pausing to think. “What do you think of doing it over lunch? He’ll think it’s a date, but then I’ll drop the real bombshell on him.” She hadn’t thought about how she was going to fire Caine before, too overwhelmed by the deed itself. But with Astrid by her side again, everything felt possible.

“Oh, that’s perfect,” Astrid said. “You could even act like it’s going to be a date, then when it actually happens…he’ll be pissed.”

“I can’t wait to see the look on his face,” Diana said, smiling.

She dropped Astrid off at her house, and both were sad to leave each other. They had spent so long not being able to see each other, but now that they could, it felt awful to say goodbye again, even if it was just for a short while. Astrid was about to close her eyes when her phone vibrated with a text from Diana.

I know ur probably asleep by now but i’m really glad today happened

Me too

***

Sam leaned back against Quinn’s chest. After a long day of surfing, complete with Astrid and Diana drama, they’d decided to spend the night over at Quinn’s. Quinn wasn’t in college, just taking a gap year together, and sometimes Sam pretended that he and Quinn were holding school off for another year so that they could be together. It was so nice, laying on the couch with each other. He felt dizzyingly loved at times like this, like nothing could be bad so long as he could hear Quinn’s heartbeat and feel his arms around him.

“I’m glad they’re back together,” Sam said, breaking the silence of their exhaustion. Maybe going back into the waves after lunch hadn’t been the best idea.

“Me too,” Quinn said. After a long pause he continued. “They’re good for each other. Plus, now we don’t have Astrid as a third wheel anymore.”

“I texted Diana once after the breakup,” Sam said, “and I think she was just as heartbroken as Astrid was. Why does Caine ruin everything?”

“Because he’s an asshole, why else?” Quinn said. He hugged Sam closer.

“Why, though? Why ruin everyone’s lives? I mean, everyone messes up, but this is just straight-up villainy.” Quinn could sense a much longer rant coming—there was never an end t things to complain about when it came to Caine.

“I guess the universe had to compensate for putting such a wonderful person into this world,” Quinn said, looking over at Sam, “that they made his twin the stuff of nightmares.” He planted a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.

“Stop it,” Sam said, a smile threatening to take over his face.

“Anyways,” Quinn continued, “I think Diana can handle him, don’t you? She’s the only person I’ve seen stand up to him like that, except you, Sam.”

“Maybe. She has a better chance at it than the rest of us. I hope.” Sam closed his eyes. “Should we get off of the couch and into, I don’t know, bed? I’m so tired.”

“Yeah, let’s. This is getting uncomfortable anyways, and we have to put our stuff away…“

Sam groaned.

***

Diana watched the clock. The meeting should be over in a few minutes, but the PR guy felt the need to just drag it on…and on. She was getting restless, trying not to just get up and leave the room. After all the weeks of putting this off, Diana didn’t want to wait a second later.

“Isn’t it about lunchtime?” Diana asked the room, taking a not-so-subtle look at the clock.

Everyone else in the meeting thankfully agreed, all too eager to leave and get lunch. Once the room emptied out, Diana made her way down the hallways to the break room, Caine’s frequent haunt. She tapped on the doorframe, distracting him from his phone. Ah yes, the pinnacle of hard work. Sometimes she wondered why he hadn’t been fired by the previous owner.

“Hello, Diana,” Caine said, raking his eyes up and down her body in a way that made her want to gauge them out. “What brings you here?”

“Nothing much, just wanted to see if you’d have lunch with me,” Diana said. She looked down at the floor coquettishly, trying to hide the grin on her face. This was going to be entertaining.

Caine was surprised, although he did his best to conceal the emotion. She knew him too well. Smooth, subtle Caine. He cleared his throat. “Well, I would be honored. Where to?”

“There’s a little cafe across the street I’ve been wanting to check out. Let’s go.” She left the room without looking back. Caine followed right on her heels. Diana could almost imagine the thoughts running through his head, and remembered all the ways this could go wrong.

Still, toying with him was fun. When Caine reached out to hold her hand as they crossed the street, Diana suddenly had to check her phone. She didn’t say a word to him in line for their food, ignoring his bland comments about the place, annoying as they were.

How did I  put up with dating this asshole for over a year? Diana ordered, then waited for Caine to order before finding a place to sit.

“So,” Caine began, leaning forward on the table towards her, “Any specific reason for this lunch date?”

Diana did her best not to pull away from him, even though she really wanted to. “You’ll have to wait until we get our food for that,” Diana said. She twirled a lock of hair around her finger, avoiding Caine’s gaze. Sensing his frustration growing, she stood up. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Once inside the stall, Diana could think clearly again. She figured she would have at least five minutes before their food. Their table was around a lot of people, so Caine would hopefully be kept in check by the pressure of people looking. Or he would make a scene, either was a possibility. But no matter what, she would never have to see his chiseled jawline at the station ever again. Diana just had to fire him today, and then it would be over.

She pulled out her phone to text Astrid.

I’m at lunch w caine and i haven’t told him yet we’re waiting for the food but...he /really/ thinks its a date

Astrid replied a few seconds later.

He’s wrong tho i’d feel bad but he doesn’t have a heart to break

Diana laughed so hard she had to cover her mouth with her hand. Astrid was a treasure, and she’d never been so happy to have found someone so incredible.

Checking the clock on her phone, Diana realized she should probably get out and go break the news to Caine. Maybe she should try to take a picture of his face when he realized the news, just so Astrid could see it. Seeing her laugh would make this whole ordeal worth it.

Their food was on the table when Diana got back. She noticed that only half her sandwich was on the plate, and the other half looked suspiciously eaten. Diana didn’t bother containing her eye roll when she looked at Caine.

“I thought that might have been too big for you,” Caine said, shrugging. “Besides—” he lowered his voice “—I can give you something much bi—”

“—Caine, do you know why I wanted to have lunch with you?” Diana asked, anger rising up in her. She was a reasonable woman, but the urge to murder Caine right now was pretty strong.

“Because you’ve finally come to your senses and want to be with your one true love?” Caine smiled at her.

Barf. No thanks, Diana thought. “No, you’re fired.”

The journey Caine’s face went through was hilarious. There was the split second when he hadn’t realized what she’d said, then the dawn of realization, then the slight eyebrow quirk as he tried to formulate something cool to say in response. To finish it off, he looked at Diana with absolute disbelief.

“What?”

“I had a meeting about it this morning, and everyone’s fine with it. We’re putting the job listing up tomorrow, and you have this afternoon to clear your things out of the office and recording room,” Diana said, tilting her head and giving him a saccharine sweet smile. “Not what you expected, was it?”

“Is this about dating girls?” Caine asked, and a shiver danced up her spine at the thought of his long-ago threat.

“No, this is about not dating a manipulative, abusive asshole who thinks he can control what I do with my life. I don’t want to be with you, Caine, and I don’t know why you can’t just accept that,” Diana said. “It makes it extremely unpleasant to work with you.” She waved a server over. “Can I get a container for this?”

“Sure, in just a second,” they said, walking towards the counter.

“You’re just going to leave me here?” Caine asked, cold fury building behind his eyes. “Does what we have mean nothing?”

“What we have is your delusions and insanity. You have this afternoon to clear your stuff out,” Diana said, holding his gaze with her own anger. “I’m going to go get a proper sandwich, and go eat my lunch in peace.”

She took the box the server handed her and turned to leave. As Diana walked towards the exit, she heard Caine call after her.

“Two can play at this game, Diana.”

That could mean a lot of things, but she tried not to let him get into her head. Diana walked over to Subway without a word. She’d wanted a whole sandwich for a reason, damnit.

#gone series #gone #ladrison #sam temple #astrid ellison #diana ladris #starredwrites

[annieintheaair]

Oh God, don't take these beautiful things that I've got

Healing can take a really long time. They say that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. When Dan and I broke up the final time, I didn't even consider dating for years. I focused on my career and where I might want to live and didn't think twice about the fact that I wasn't dating at all. I didn't even try to meet people. It was during that time that I became this truly independent, strong person. I realized that I would never be with anyone unless they were adding to my life because I was perfectly content on my own, and I still am.

Even though I moved on with my life, I never fully got over Dan until I moved to Boston. On Presidents Day, 2013, I got a Zipcar and drove to Wrentham to do some shopping at my favorite outlets. Wrentham isn't that far from Providence so Dan had texted me all day asking to meet up. I debated it, literally all day. Eventually, I gave in and drove down and met up with him. He ended up coming back to Boston with me for the night. When it was time to lie down and go to sleep, his phone rang, and he answered it. The girl he left me for, Lindsay, was on the phone. I didn't really know for sure until then that they were together and listening to him on the phone with her made me shut down completely. I might not remember it with 100% accuracy because it was such an awful night that I tried to forget it but I think he hung up saying, "Goodnight. I love you" and that's when I realized that love was a lie.

I refused to talk to him anymore that night. We went to sleep and he left the next day. I never saw him again until right before Thanksgiving 2019 when I was in Providence on a layover for work. We spent the day walking around in the cold city, eating breakfast at our favorite spot, Brickway, strolling the mall, seeing a movie (we saw Last Christmas, which if you've seen it, is a little ironic that that was the last movie we ever saw together), and just talking. I remember seeing him that morning when he arrived and he was wearing baggy clothes and looked like a mess. It turned me off. I thought, "I'm totally over this guy."

When the day was over and it was raining, Dan asked if he could stay for a bit and come watch a movie with me in my hotel room. I told him no and sent him away. When he left, he messaged me that he wished I would have let him stay. He always had such a grip on my heart that I felt bad telling him no and for a while, I debated if I made the right choice. At the time, I told myself that I did, but when he passed away less than 3 years later, I thought back on that day, and believe me, I would have given anything to rewind time and tell him to come in and watch a movie with me. Even just five more minutes with him would have made me feel like I did something right.

Less than 8 months later, I met James. On our first date, I thought, "Wow, I could talk to this guy forever." We had an instant connection. I felt like we had a lot in common and he had this softness about him. I fell hard and fast for him. Since COVID was going on, he basically moved in with me and it was nice at first because I didn't feel so lonely anymore. He hadn't even been gone for 24 hours when I found out I had shingles and he jumped on the next flight to get back to me to take care of me.

James had a lot of great qualities and our ending was sudden and unexpected, in some ways. I don't think I've ever cried so hard about a breakup, even with Dan. Weeks before our breakup, we were drinking bottomless Nutcrackers (it's basically a White Russian) at the bowling alley when we went back to his apartment in Wyoming and we both just lost it. It wasn't a fight but we were both crying. Deep down, I knew then that it was over but we held on for a few more weeks and broke up the day after Christmas. I struggled to work for weeks because I could barely see through my tears. I remember laying on the floor of my house just bawling my eyes out and screaming. I felt like I'd never feel whole again. It was a breakup that I didn't understand at all, and still don't. I've come to accept that it's something I'll probably never understand but I think that's why it broke me so badly. It was like one minute James was a huge part of my life and then he just vanished.

In my memories, I thought about all of our best times. One night, during the summer, I was making space for James' clothes in my closet and he lay down on the floor and told me to lie with him. He said he wished we could be in a field somewhere, looking up at the stars together. He reminded me how much he loved me. I thought, in that moment, "Life doesn't get any better than this."

After our breakup, I was cleaning my kitchen one day and found a whole drawer full of fast food sauces. James was always saving them and I guess I didn't realize that he was collecting them in a drawer in my kitchen. There were so many Chick-fil-a sauces, along with lots of Taco Bell packets. I collected it all and threw it in the trash. When I went to the grocery store a few days later, I found and bought a bottle of Chick-fil-a sauce. I posted on Instagram that I no longer needed him around saving sauces because I could buy a whole bottle at the grocery store. James saw my post and messaged me like I had hurt him so badly by doing that. Of course, I felt a little bad that it hurt him but he had no idea all of the tears that I had cried leading up to that.

When I found out I would have to move out of my house years later, I almost looked forward to it. I felt like my house had become some sort of time capsule of memories of our life together. I'd sit at my desk in my office and imagine him at my kitchen table working on his computer. I even bought a whole new bed, which I wanted to do anyway, but I just felt so sad being in that bed without him.

I can honestly say, to this day, I've never taken a breakup as hard as I did with James. I'm not sure what that means but the other day, I felt like I needed to let him know that after all of this time, we were ok. I told him, "I just want you to know, that while I've never understood what happened with us, I've never hated you and always hope for the best for you." On my drive home from yoga last night, he replied, "I really appreciate that, Annie! And I have always wished the best for you as well." It took us just over 3 years but I'm glad we finally got to this point.

My dad sent me a Venmo last night and told me to go get Red Lobster for dinner so I picked some up on my way home from yoga. As usual, the traffic was awful, even at 8pm, so by the time I picked up my food and took it home, it was cold. I pulled into my driveway and this cat, who I previously saw in my backyard right after New Year's, was standing in the cul-de-sac looking at me. I looked back at it and let out a "pss" and it came running over to me and into my garage. It came right up to me and let me pet it. It was so playful and cute. It hung out with me for a bit until my neighbors got home and came out calling for it. I didn't know before whose cat it was, except that I had seen it in the neighborhood, but I think we're friends now. I don't know what it is but that cat always shows up when I'm having a rough week.

This past year, in general, has been rough. I moved to a neighborhood where the friendliest resident is a cat. I feel like I've taken a lot of losses here and now I'm working on piecing my life back together. It's a Wednesday and I usually go to yoga and Students at my church back where I used to live but today feels like a good day to stay home until I have to go to work.

I'm somewhat looking forward to my therapy session today. I hope it offers me some clarity for my next steps but I know that after it I won't want to do much, which is pretty normal for me after therapy. Since I have to work tonight, I definitely need to feel more refreshed. Like the pin I bought a few years ago, "You can't pour from an empty cup."

xoxo

Annie

#Youtube

[xsuicidalbulimiabitchx]

I don't even know where I should start. I don't even know what I'm trying to do. But wait that's not right... I know. Because I can't find a better way to let my feelings out.

At this party I understood that I love our story. It's so exhausting but perfect in so many ways. Like the friend of you told me, that you aren't perfect and that everybody has these 5 percent of unperfection. I would totally agree that...but not about you.

You are perfect in so may ways. You don't have imperfections. But I love your soul, your laugh, your humour, your look, your body, your smile, your joy, your thoughts, your strenght... just erverything.

And it's so overwhelming that you can feel this way. I really really feel sorry for every person who can't experience this feeling. So many people think that they've found the one but they don't... it makes me sad. But at the same time I feel so happy and thankful that I can experience this kind of love or better the only true way of love.

And I feel guilty for letting this kind of love go. But maybe the fact that we lost each other, makes our kind of love so special and breathtaking.

I regret nothing... I thought....the only thing I regret is letting you go. Not because I needed you, because you needed me and I thought you don't.

I would gave my life away, so you could have a happy joyful life without these fucked up things you have been going through. You didn't deserve any of it and it makes me hating myself because I love you the way you are but you needed to go through these things so you could be the person you are right now.

I wish I could saved you...but I couldn't. I know that not everything that happend was my fault but I understand now, that you really really needed me. And the craziest thing about that is, that I needed you the same way but we were just too stupid or blind to notice. Because each of us was too busy with our own problems. Maybe it's true that we we're just too young but I don't think so. I think it was because both of us were broken and our souls was soo damaged that we just wanted to be saved from each other at the same time but none of us had the strenght.

I will never forget that moment when you walked up the stairs and you came into our home and you just stood there and my heart was healing when I looked you in the eyes.

It drives me crazy... that night I was looking at you at the party and your friend said that you won and that this look I was giving you is sick. I don't know...it just hitted me. Because some has said, that we don't look ourselves in the eyes, we look ourselves into our souls. And I totally agree. When I look at you I see our future, our adventures, our pain, our joy...just us! And I can't stop looking at you because every single time I'm falling again for you.

I know you don't remember this moment. But that one time you stood in the kitchen and I looked at you and I tried to burned this picture inside my mind, so that nobody could take this away from me. Because as you looked at me all my anger, problems and scares just flew away and I just wanted to have you forever by my side.

I wanted to keep it, just for me.

But quite after that you left me alone and I thought my universe was breaking into a thousand pieces... I literally thought I was going to die.

But somehow I didn't... I don't know how I was making it through this shit... but we met each other again and we fell in love again. Not that we hadn't loved each other the whole time but we could showed it the other person and my life was completed again.

Then everything gets difficult and I broke up with you. I hate myself for many things but the breakup get's the first place.

The time that you had go through...it makes me sick and I want to take this pain from you... but I can't.

I can't tell your story so I'm not even trying because I haven't the right. It would be disrespectful.

So I have to go one with mine. But don't get me wrong, your story is more important than mine.

Either way...I tried to go on. Does it turn well? Was in this family my happy ending? For sure, not.

It was hard and I had some drug problems but I get through it and met another guy. But he wasn't the one for me. I tried to tell myself that he is but he wasn't. I've always missed something.... But the thing I was missing was gone. I had to put it in a box deep down my heart and I locked it.

But we know real love don't get caged by anything, so you was always on my mind. And especially at these moments where I felt free and alive.

And now I know, it wasn't the feeling...it was you.

After near 7 years I had written you a message and it made my heart stop. I get panicked and scared because I thought, what am I supposed to do if you would answer me or even worser ignored me.

But you answered and my heart made a jump. In exactly that moment my mind realised that I'm fucked because you were so important to me and I realized that I was never over you.

I needed to see you, so I could figured out what it was between us. I was so fucking nervous I even forgot to put my make up on and had to drive back home because I wanted to be pretty for you.

But then I was on my way and I can't even tell you what I thought in this moment. At this car ride my soul and my heart was somewhere else... they were in the past.

Then I arrived and I thought I was going to die. My mind just went crazy but at the same time I just wanted to get sure that you're fine. In the moment I saw you I realized, I had never seen anything this perfect. We started talking and laughing together again. I loved the way we were talking, so pure and honest.

But the craziest moment was as you gave me the labello. That... that was the moment I realised I'm falling for you, not again, I was still falling for you. It was never away. Because you kept it just because a small bet that you would never made it empty... that broke me and fixed me at the same time. All the years you kept it, so you could give it back to me if we will ever see us again to tell me that you made it. I was your hope you said.

So fuck off everything I just wanted you and I got you and I was never so thankful for anything else. You are my home. Everybody who knows me, know that I was always searching my home and you, you are my home from then, till now, till forever.

My love, I will never let you go. There is literally nothing in this world that you could do that I'm leaving you ever again. Some people would say my words are toxic but why?

Just because I would give everything away for you? I would give my life away, so that you could only have one more second.

I think true love is when you've found someone that would give themself up just to see you happy but the other person will never let you go down. And I think we have this kind of love. I would nothing change for this. You are my world, my universe, just my everything.

I want to live with you, to grow old with you, to see our kids growing old and after that I want to sit with you on our rocking chairs and we laugh at each other and look ourselves deep in the eyes and there will be still our love, our own universe that we've building our whole life with all our adventures. And I believe that our souls still live even when our bodys are dead. Like you had said "I don't love you with my brain because my brain can suffer from dementia. I don't love you with my heart because it could stop beating. I love you with my soul because the soul will never die."

So I'm firmly conviced that our souls will met in another life time and that we will be this happy that we was in our last life time ever and ever again...for always.

So what should I say... I will love you with my body heart and soul to death and after that my soul will love you forever. *pinky promise*

#love #lovers #love quotes #i love him #forever yours #true story #true love #soulmates #hurt #pain

[poetryasreligion]

HEARTBREAK

The first time I reached for stories as conscious scripture was after the end of my first relationship, freshman year of college. The rupture was so intense and all-consuming that I left school for six months. During this period I scrambled for every possible spiritual antidote to the ache that would not leave my chest: I tried meditating and attending Catholic mass, saw a questionable psychic twice, started manifesting on full and new moons, spent $50 on a moss agate crystal necklace. (I also developed an eating disorder that left me hospitalized a year later, but that's a whole other chapter.)

The only lasting salvation for me was stories—songs, poems, movies, long form literature, internet miscellany. Scroll down and you'll find a list of the most important ones.

While I read them, I gave myself permission to live in the words completely. To rest in the soft crook of someone else's life experience that could parallel my own at any serendipitous moment. I'd collect these storytellers' sage reflections like a frenzied squirrel gathers and hoards acorns, repeating quotes like “time heals all wounds” (someone forever ago) and “how empty of me to be so full of you” (Jody Yeary) and "sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them" (Richard Siken) until their words turned into my mantras, sacred texts. Something to latch onto while my world eroded.

I once heard that to love is to be changed. Through heartbreak, I want to give us permission to hold onto all of those changes, really feel the weight and texture and temperature of them in our hands. It's painful and it's proof that something real and worthwhile occurred. I give us permission to lean into the ache of another person's absence and fill it with our own words—write a letter we'll never send (at least not now), talk to our friends or the mirror or the sky, document it all for ourselves or maybe someone else who will need a warm jumble of words to wrap themselves up in one day. I give us permission to hold on and accept that some kinds of love we never quite "get over" (and so what if it makes us soft? Isn’t the softness what makes us human? For the record: it’s been 3 years and I still wake up with things to tell you.)

On Sand (pg. 15) by Caroline Cappelletti (poem // time and loss)

The Fist by Derek Walcott (poem // letting go)

The Long and Short of It (hybrid poem/essay // rumination, to be changed)

Excerpt: I’ve been rereading your story. I think it’s about me in a way that might not be flattering, but that’s okay. We dream and dream of being seen as we really are and then finally someone looks at us and sees us truly and we fail to measure up. Anyway: story received, story included. You looked at me long enough to see something mysterioso under all the gruff and bluster. Thanks. Sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them.

The Weight of It All (podcast episode // immediate aftermath of a breakup, moments of great comedic relief too)

Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory by Raphael Bob-Waksburg (short story collection // love in all its forms)

The Unsent Project (website // browse unsent messages and submit your own -- beautiful and cathartic)

Good Riddance by Gracie Abrams (album // woodsy breakup rumination from all angles)

History of A Feeling by Madi Diaz (album // parting in its entirety)

Crushing by Julia Jacklin (album // a cpmplete relationship arc)

Playlist by me about being broken up with (compiled over 3yrs!)

How'd you get away? Cause oh, good heavens, we abided by the night But there are darker things than the absence of light And they still creak through our halls

I would build a city out of you and me There would be crime, but still a local grocery If you'd stay

Maggie Rogers, "Blood Ballet" (on playlist)

Playlist by me about being the one to call it off

Playlist by me about reaching for closure and forgiveness

(Bonus: Here and here are poems I've written about my own breakup experiences.)

[star2sworld]

Update: it’s 1am and I’m crying about him. Just feel so hurt none of it was real I just wanted to be loved by someone but I drove him away after 2months and a half. I feel all alone I want to disappear

I wish he’s just block me if he’s going to leave me on seen. I’d feel really hurt if I was blocked but I wouldn’t have that hope of us talking again anymore. I’m always crying over him not caring about me anymore. Did he ever even like me? He gave me such mix signals. I feel like when we were sexually talking he was sweet and text back fast and then it would go back to normal on delivered and me missing him. Sometimes he would go all day without texting me. I get your busy but how can you go all day without texting me if you liked me. Oh, that’s right he never actually liked me.

I’m not unlovable right? How am I suppose to get through this winter? he was my last hope. Although he never liked me his presence really helped my depression and now that he’s gone and I’m dead to him I feel so unbelievably sad and depressed I’ve been thinking of cutting since but I’m a strong girl I can hold on. Right :(

just him saying it’ll be okay helped me so much I just want to be comforted and be told everything will be okay. That I am okay. My nose is so stuffy I can hardly breathe out my nose.

I texted him last night. I told him I’m no longer using insta and that I genuinely love him and I’ll reach out next year. I don’t know why I’m still texting him and telling him about my life when he does not care. I think something that made me really sad is the fact he followed new girls and has been texting them but leaving me on seen. It makes me feel so unwanted. I don’t know why I’m chasing a grown man.

I never met him or see his face or feel his touch but this feels like my first heartbreak. I hate feeling so deep and loving hard. It’s a gift and a curse. It sucks I can’t stop crying over the fact I meant nothing to him. I can’t even get one response from him. He hates me so much I wish he would tell me to fuck off and block me.

I want to text him and apologize for everything and tell him about what I’m going through but it’s not worth it. He won’t respond. He could care less. Why did we have to end on bad terms? I just wish we could’ve ended as friends.

He knew how attached I was to him. How much I liked him. Why did he let me get so attached to him if he didn’t actually like me. I know for a fact he doesn’t think about me anymore. I think I was always just a gullible little toy for him.

I know I’m assuming he never liked me but my girl instincts tell me I’m correct. If a guy actually liked you I know they wouldn’t treat you that way. I’m not saying he never treated me nice because it was great at times but he was really bad at communicating and would often give me the silent treatment.

He’s not even bothered by the fact we’re done. Like literally is texting a whole new girl. I wonder if he’s on twt. It’s not my business at the end of the day. I’m downloading twt back and deleting all of the tweets about him. I need it to look at self help stuff.

My hurt has sunk to the bottom of the ocean shore like Fr. I don’t ever want to go through a breakup like I won’t survive it. Like it’s impossible. Imagine if I got cheated on. I’d feel so betrayed and fucked up. My heart hurts so bad rn thinking about him.

I wish I could go back to the beginning of our situationship idk whatever that was. This was bound to happen at some point but it sucks we’re not on good terms. Taking deep breaths.

I think the reason I was so attached to him is because he made me feel cared and loved at first and then he was just bipolar asf one day he showed a lot of affection then he’d ghost me and say he’s busy and I shouldn’t have let myself go through that.

Like, ever. I should never have dm him. Should have never got attached and said I love you. But I can’t dwell on what I did. I miss him so so much and I’ll let myself cry over him as much as I need. Healing takes a lot of time and I’ll let myself feel my love I had for him until I get over him one day. And I see through the love. See that I deserve better. He deserves better.

I don’t think I’ll text him next year. But who knows. Maybe he’ll reach out. I doubt he’d let himself text me first. I bet he didn’t even respond to my message from yesterday. Dunno why he can’t just respond and say what he wants to say.

The way he texted sometimes made me so pissed and sad. Like he stops talking when we’re in a argument. He gets mad and shuts me off.

I’m going to sleep. I’m not thinking about this anymore. I went this whole week without texting him and I was fine. I thought about him a lot but I still had good days! Today was rough bc everything brought me back and I made a realization that he never liked me. It hurts but trust with time I’ll heal.

I still wish that man happiness and luck. Just not the type of person to hate on someone if I once loved you or if we were ever real friends. I’ll respect his decision and not talk to him anymore. He won’t notice with the girls he’s texting.

I’ve texted no one since we stopped talking over a week ago. I’m letting myself feel as much as I need to properly heal instead of using a guy to get over him. Not even interested in a guy rlly.

It’s 1:32 my eyes are puffy and red I’m tired and I’m on my period. Worst combo. Glad bless me please universe help me. Help me get through this winter give me all the strength and courage I need to survive.

Goodnight

[ghettoland]

Alicia,

Ive spent alot of time reflecting and alot of time missing you. You kind of taught me what love and deeper connection was and is. I’m sorry i wasnt kinder, more loving, more helpful around the house. Sorry for being a cheapskate when I bought gifts. Sorry for acting sapiosexual instead of demi. This was the only way I knew at the time and i’ve done a great deal of growth since you dumped me and immediately replaced me. You act as if I betrayed you and abused you. But I spent a great deal of time confessing my sins to you. Working on things and trying to make up for it. Alot of our relationship was a lie and was never explained to me. Like I was friends with KC. I had to figure out that you cheated on me with Jimi. No one helped me. No one walked through my betrayal trauma with me. Im really hurt and upset because i feel like I moved to williamsport for you. And you made alot of promises. Gave me alot of lectures about loyalty and honor code and, you ended up being unloyal and betraying me. Deep down I know that its not you, its the way you were programmed. But Alicia. I dont respect your relationship with KC. You told me you would cuck me with someone with kids because you couldnt see a long term future with them. And I think you were talking about kc. I think you got with him out of survival, because you cant be alone. Because he is an easy target to blame and he tolerates your crap probably. And if you were to seriously grow and not just perpetually jump ships- you would need to look within and realize that alot of the fault in relationships wss yours. For being a workaholic. For putting everything else above your own relationship on the priority list. You were not fair and reasonable with me. Wouldnt spend enough time in maryland with me or investing in my family. Perhaps you avoid me and my family out of embarassment. But its nothing to be embarassed about. You taught me what love was you broke my guard down and I dont want to be with anyone else Alicia. I dont. But im so hurt that you left me for him and that youve been calling him baby and that you wrote me off and abandoned me. I really trusted you. I wanted to marry you. I just wanted you to actually respect me enough to respect my perspective and decisions instead of demonize me. You said you wanted a baby and i wish I gave you one. I just wanted to have some say over my future kids lives. Like what school they go to: what area we live in etc. i dont feel like I got any say. Alicia please leave KC he is lame and he controls you by getting you attached to his kids and flaunting it on facebook. I know i over reacted but you shut down on me so

Badly. I miss when we used to drive to wilpo and you would put your feet in my lap and act kind to me. Dominating me was not rewarding. Cause you disrespected me and wrote me off as not being capable of being a leader. And I dont blame you. I really dont. I was a cheater/ and I was angry all the time. I was a bad leader. I wish you would heal and focus on our future. I dont want to have kids with anyone else. I dont want to date amyone else. I dont want to sacrifice for anyone else. Our breakup was messy. I felt alot of my pain wss self inflicted cause I asked you to hurt me and cheat on me without realizing how emotionally detached you were. I saw your profile on hinge right after we broke up and it was like a knife to my heart thinking of you going on dates with other guys and abandoning me: even though you had already been doing shady stuff witb kc and jimi. Alicia im a shell of myself. U hurt me so much and blocked me

And never tried to apologize and you act like zi deserve this. I dont think I do alicia. I really trusted you and I still love you very much. I dont think youre being fair or reasonable or giving it an honest shot with me and I wish we could start over. I pray for you every day and pray that God brings you back to me.

Im sorry for actingn like it was all sexual and like you should have fixed our sexual dynamic before I fixed our emotional dynamic: truth is I had alot of childhood wounds I took out on you. I needed to heal with my family and I have been. Its much more inviting now. I miss your family. I wish your parents could be the grand parents to my children. I still want you to be the mother to my children I just wanted to be respected and loved. Truly. When I moved to PA i lost my mind a bit and it was partially the move, lack of a stable routine. Losing my best friend. Covid hitting: everything. Getting on a new medication. Which I am back off now and feeling much better. Anyways im not making excuses. Im sorry i got so triggered by your avoidant tendencies and let my anxious attachment style cause so much stress. I will always love you Alicia.

[juneivry]

texts i never sent.

I miss you I miss you the most I ever have since Fiji

Maybe this was a mistake

I am absolutely kicking myself why I didn’t wait until I left for America next year

Why am I doing this

Is it too late to take it back

Because I love you and I think I had become so complacent that I forgot just how much I loved you. Is it possible that all those feelings have been reignited when I actually decided to let you go? Maybe you never know what you have until you lose it.

The problem is I know you’d take me back. And I want you back. So why am I doing this to us?

Please message me Id be so happy to see your message on my screen right now.

Anything.

“I hate you”, “you ruined this”, “it’s all your fault” anything I swear anything

Why the fuck didn’t I just let you come round that Monday night why! The! Fuck!

We might not have broken up if I had.

I want to go back in time to before I left for Fiji baby. I want to relive every second of your relationship.

Oh god I read back our old conversation and I really gave to nothing to work with didn’t I.... I don’t know what happened.

Hi

How are you

I miss you

The sky was pretty tonight

I’m refusing to get out of bed because I dreamt of you and I don’t want to accept this reality

Damn it as soon as I tried to get out of bed I started crying again

Why does it still hurt so bad

What if I’ve just made a mistake what if we were perfect together and i couldn’t see that anymore

I’m still fucking in love with you 

What if this is a break and not a break up

What if this isn’t even a break

What if we just get back together

I love you

I’m one to push people away when I’m sad, and you always knew to stay. How did you know? How did you always manage to do the right thing even when I was giving you nothing.

I miss you so fucking much

It’s becoming easier to not cry all the time.

But I don’t miss you any less

I’m posting Snapchat stories that I would otherwise want to send to you. Is this cheating?

I want you back

I spent the last 2 hours watching David Dobrik’s vlogs trying to find the time after him and Liza broke up that they started being friends again. I’m so done with not talking to you baby.... baby. No. I mean...

you’re my boyfriend, I’m not believing otherwise

I wonder if you’re sleeping right now or thinking about me

I wonder if you hate me

I’m the luckiest person ever because you’re my boyfriend

Could it be, that the reason I broke up with you was actually due to my fear of commitment? Yes, it’s true that I want to “find myself” and I have no idea who I am, but perhaps it is my fear of losing myself to you (and losing my freedom) that is the predominant reason for our breakup. It is a fear I’ve always had, but as time went on and as we became more committed, I began to move on from it. It was a healing process. But Fiji allowed me to discover myself some more, again a necessary process, but this, in contrast, heightened the fear of losing myself that I had finally begun to move past. Of course that is not to say that I don’t still need to find a balance when dating you, you became 110% of my world, which is also unhealthy. But I have never been a serial monogamist, I have always been wildly independent, and the shock of being away from you allowed me to realise how much I’ve changed since dating you. And it alerted me to all the fears that I have always had, and how they came true. So I began distancing myself. Seeing an expiry date to our relationship. The charm that love had placed on me began to lose it effect. That is not to say I didn’t love you, I do, but I started to question it more and more as fear began to cloud my judgment. I saw all the opportunities I’d lost because of dating you, I started to nitpick at all your flaws. But how I know that this was synthesised by my fear of commitment? Because when I was with you, everything was perfect. You could do no wrong. I loved all your quirks. Every time I saw you I felt like our relationship would last forever. Because your presence was like a force field, preventing my fears from reaching me, allowing me to feel the love. Yet when you’d leave, I was left defenceless once again.

I don’t think we’ll last forever, but that’s because I don’t want to think that we’ll last forever. Because constantly living my life with one foot out the door. I forever want to keep my options open

I love you baby. I miss you a tonne right now.

This is sooo stupid let’s just get back together and fuck. I’m so done with not talking to u

I put all your stuff away in a box. This is my first step towards moving on. I love you, so god damn much and for the past few days all I’ve been thinking about is getting back together. But today, something changed. It’s like my graduation goggles came off. The last 12 months with you were undoubtedly the happiest time of my life and that is never ever going to change. I don’t think anyone will ever be able to top the love we had, because it was my first love. We had such a beautiful, happy and healthy relationship and that’s why it was so hard to let go. I don’t know if this is the right choice, and I won’t know until 20 years down the line when we’re either married or sad and alone. So maybe I should stop questioning whether it was the “right choice”. Because we will find happiness, eventually, regardless of whether or not we get back together right now. I’m going away next year, and that will inevitably tear us apart. I wanted to be with you until then, trust me I still do. But I have to get over this first. This is my first heart break. And I will go through this eventually, if not now then next year, and prolonging it doesn’t solve anything. If we leave this love as the pure, wonderful, free spirited, joyous thing it is to us both, then maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the end. And it will be like in the notebook, when Allie gives up everything she has for a simple life with Noah because of an article in the paper because he was her first love. And their love was so spectacular it transcends time. I know the romantic in you will hold onto this thought. Because I will. And that doesn’t mean I won’t try to move on and it doesn’t mean I will be twiddling my thumbs waiting for you. It just means that our story may not be over, our love may not be dying. Maybe it will just be dormant for a little while. And then when the time is right, it will erupt like mount Vesuvius.

I think the worst part of it all is just how much I hate myself for doing this to you

I feel like I don’t deserve the sympathy I’m getting because, really, I’m the bad guy in this scenario

All the self help YouTube videos I watch are about when “he” dumps you... and I watch them feeling that I don’t deserve any of the advice I’m getting. You do.

But I’m heartbroken too. I’m just as fucking heartbroken as you are.

Every time I think I might be slightly over you I realise I’m just being way too naive. It’s like I’m trying to climb out of a mud pit. Murky disgusting mud pit and I was the one who threw myself down here. And all I want to do is to grab your hand, a hand that you are reaching out for me. I want you to pull me up but it’s just slightly too high. I’m stretching as far as I possibly can but it’s just not enough. So I climb meter by meter. The mud is thick and slippery, grip is nearly impossible. I put all my energy into the climb, forgetting about food, sleep, hygiene, study, people. I just want to climb high enough so that I can grab your hand and never let go. Have you pull me up. The task seems impossible - it absolutely drains me. I slip almost as far as I can climb. But inch my inch I make it, and meter by meter I slip down. Back to the abyss. And now you have retracted your hand. It ached waiting for me. I can only keep climbing... and keep falling. For an endless eternity.

(October 8th 2018)

#for my first love

[kindh3art3d]

catch me part 3 - jvke fanfic

I sat in my dorm, all the lights turned off, my roommate was gone for the weekend, giving me the space, I needed. For the past few days, I had felt like I was in mourning.

I missed Jake.

No texts, no phone calls, nothing.

I was scared I ruined our friendship.

I was so, so selfish, so stupid.

It was too soon, he was still upset about his breakup, and I decided to kiss him.

Kiss him!

Why, why, why?

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away with my hoodie sleeve.

I was frustrated, heartbroken and lost.

I wondered how long it would be like this.

Which one of us would break first and reach out?

I didn't know how long I wanted to wait to find out.

—

I went on with my life- the best I could anyways.

I went to my classes and to work, studied late in the library.

All by myself.

I never felt more alone. It was only the absence of Jake's presence in my life is when I realized how lonely I was. All my friends and family lived states away, and I wasn't super close with anyone else here.

I sat by the lake- our lake, and watched the remaining geese. Most had decided to go to a warmer south, these were the stragglers. It was cold now, almost December, the air had a bitter sting, I could feel my nose chill, and I prayed I wouldn't catch a cold. Suddenly I felt and ache in my chest. It felt like a knife, it twisted mercilessly. I missed him so much.

So damn much.

I wished he wasn't all I thought about.

All I wanted.

I impulsively grabbed my phone.

He had been posting cover videos on instagram, and they always cheered me up.

I refreshed my page, and sure enough he posted a new video...

—

The semester came and went, the holidays a blur. I went home to see my family.

My neighbor Iza, was home for the holidays, she was my childhood best friend and we decided got coffee to catch up. When she asked me about the "cute boy" who was always in my snapchat stories I reluctantly told her everything that took place over the last year.

She was the only person who asked me about Jake, the only one I really told anyways.

My parents asked if I made any friends, I lied. I told them me and my roommate were super close, when in all reality, I only saw her in passing.

We celebrated the New Year, Iza invited me to some party, some of our old mutual friends were there. As we stood counting down to the new year, I was alone. Iza brought her boyfriend and they stood out on the balcony, waiting for midnight.

"3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The room yelled and couples kissed as music blared and fireworks exploded outside. I watched, gave a small smile to no one and sipped my drink.

I hated how alone I was. Hated how sad I still was.

I missed him.

On the way home Iza and her boyfriend laughed and talked in the front seat, I sat in the backseat with my legs pulled up to my chin.

Suddenly my phone vibrated in my pocket.

jake

happy new year, hope ur ok

I squeezed my eyes and threw my phone across the seat.

I never responded.

—

When the spring semester started, I felt myself starting to heal and move on a little. After visiting home for the holidays and me and Iza reconnected, we made a point on staying in contact. I've been less lonely with her constant check ins and semi-constant FaceTime calls. My grades even started to look a little better. Finally for the first time in a long time, I started to feel okay again.

I realized that I didn't need Jake in my life to make me happy.

But god, he always did...

But just when I felt secure and sure about myself, a 15 second video made my world crash down on me.

Iza sent me a cute makeup video and I noticed the catchy song attached to it, I liked it so I decided to search it up.

It was called "Upside Down" by JVKE, and sure as hell. It was Jake.

"Up down, right down

Looking for your love, right now

La, la, la, la

Up down, all around

Turn my stomach upside down

La, la, la, la"

I went to his instagram (I recently unfollowed him...) and realized he was started to get quite a following. Turned out he got signed by a label and was queued to release more music soon. I heard the song everywhere and marveled how he could just in the last few months make a trending song.

—

As time slowly crept on, I wondered how he was, now with a popular song and an official artist name that people knew.

I always wanted to reach out, my hands ached for the motion of texting him. But it never happened.

I watched as he released more and more music, each song becoming more popular than the last.

I wasn't the same girl who cried over the mere thought of him, but I really missed him, and wondered if I severed our friendship forever. After all he did try to reach out and I did nothing.

It was already too late, I knew I'd just be a memory to him.

Someone in the past.

I was probably no better than Faith in his eyes.

—

This year I graduated college.

It was a day that I always dreamt I'd spend with Jake, us standing on stage, both proudly clenching our degrees, family and friends cheering us on. We always talked about it. Always talked about today.

We never talked about what would happen to us after we graduated.

But we never even made it that far, so what does it matter now?

As the Dean called me up on stage, I felt my nerves take over as each step seemed impossible. I held my breath as my shoes clicked against the smooth auditorium floor. I griped the rail as I got walked into stage. I graduated with honors, which meant I was to give a small speech. I hated speeches.

"Fellow class men, we all know how hard it was to get here. All the hours we spent studying, our eyes unfocused and teary. All the times we couldn't sleep because we were worried about our grades, and how no matter how hard we tried, we'd never be good enough." I paused as I scanned the room, vaguely recognizing a few graduates in the front row.

"We can now proudly say, we did it. It was all worth it."

Cheers echoed throughout the room as I accepted my degree. I was happy they were content enough with the stupidity small speech. But truthfully, everyone hates sitting through those kinds of things.

—

I found my family and Iza and we together all walked down to the reception dinner. I wasn't all too excited to go but, my family insisted (Honestly, they probably just wanted free food).

We stood in a circle as my parents talked with a faculty member, apparently my dad and him attended the same college. Apparently I was the only one who didn't really care about the conversation, because I paid little attention to them, instead I swirled my drink around in my glass.

Iza must have noticed my disconnect, because she suddenly tugged on my arm,

"Hey, I'm gonna go back and get some of those mini brochette things. Wanna come with?"

I laughed and agreed, thankful for some distraction from my thoughts. We locked arms as we made our way to the refreshment table.

"So what now Y/N?" she asked, I looked at her puzzled as I grabbed a small chocolate truffle and popped it in my mouth

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged, using the mini tongs to pick up a zillion pieces of brochette to fill her flimsy paper plate.

"Like what's the plan now?"

I bit my lip, annoyed that my own concern was being vocalized by someone else.

"Umm, I'm going to be looking for a job." That was the strongest answer I could give at the moment.

Iza ramped on, but by now I couldn't hear her.

I saw a ghost.

He stood against a wall, his dark eyes trained on me.

A small smirk grew on his lips and spread up his face.

In that moment I didn't even think, I just stood there as he approached me.

Iza was confused at first, but then she saw the look of recondition on my face and slowly backed up.

"Jake" I breathed his name, it was both foreign and familiar on my lips.

I thought I was imagining things, until he wrapped his arms around me.

I suddenly started to shake as emotion washed over me.

He held me, smoothing my hair. His familiar warm scent filled my senses as I buried my face in his shirt. I couldn't believe it.

He was real.

He was real.

But just as quickly as the moment of perfection came, it quickly ended.

"Y/N" he whisper next to my ear, his voice sent chills down my spine.

I could only manage a mumbled

"Mm?"

He pulled me closer

"We need to talk."

#jvke #jvkexreader #jvkefanfiction #fanfic #romance #fluff #angst #friends to lovers #music #cross posted on wattpad #cross posted on ao3 #golden hour #catchme

[whereveryoumaygo]

Just about a month ago, I went through my first breakup. This was a major turning point in my life. I learned a lot about myself, my ex partner and even the people around me. I learned I wasn't taking care of myself enough. The world revolved around my partner and only my partner. I was attached to them in everyway possible. Mentally, emotionally and physically. I gave them everything including my love and my body. Absolutely everything. That was one of my biggest mistakes. Please, no matter how much you love someone, please do not lose yourself. Take care of yourself and love yourself first before you love someone else. You cant love someone else if you don't love yourself first. That was a mistake both me and my ex made. We were young and went through many different things growing up. That effected our relationship and the way we tackled problems and conflict. They were the type of person to shut down and look for alone time when a problem arose and I am the type of person to look for communication and talk things out. That was what ultimately ended our relationship, me wanting more communication. I ended up initiating a conversation about not feeling as connected as we used to. This lead to them telling me they didn't want a relationship anymore and many other things that i really don't remember, it was a little bit ago now. But it definitely made me ugly cry. But at the end of the conversation, we had decided to stay together and work things out together. I was excited to grow and heal together. I left for the night and then started thinking more. I was getting scared this relationship was still going down hill even though we talked it through. A day later I called them crying, telling them i was still scared about where this going. We decided to meet again the next day, and they told me they wanted to go on a break. I had never felt my heart break like this before. It hurt almost as much as when my cat passed away. At this point, i knew it wasn't just a break, it was a breakup. After this, i tried to grasp at anything i could. They took their space they wanted and i got mad because, to me, taking space away from each other wouldn't fix much or anything. I told them this and they told me, me not giving them the space they wanted hurt them. Then i felt like everything was my fault, when in reality, it wasn't. I felt horrible for trying to save the relationship and love them the way I thought was right. I felt horrible for trying to talk things through and learn how to grow together. But i shouldn't of. I am not a bad person. I am a loving person who just happened to have different values and beliefs than my partner. And that's why we didn't work out. But that's okay, I'm still young. I have so much ahead of me and so many more people to meet. This was just a chapter in my life that has just ended. Now, let me circle back to what this whole post was supposed to be about. Take care of yourself, love yourself, find yourself. You may be hurting now but it’ll get so much better. Also, don't let anyone make you feel inferior, insecure or bad for loving them. Continue to be a loving and caring person, just find healthier and better places to put your love.

- love you

#heartbreak love healing heartbreakhealing

[heccshrecc]

we were having unresolved arguments. i felt used most of the time cause i felt like i was the only outing in effort to keep the rs alive. But uk maybe we had different expectations. Over time it felt like i was the one who was asking for too much. I felt unappreciated. And i had a lot of resentment for you because u weren’t reaching a lot of my expectations. I genuinely felt like our rs was dying.

But i think us ending, it might have been a good thing too. I was always down in the dumps. And i always took it out on you in unhealthy ways. Even though yes, u were the cause of some of my unhappiness, i should have processed these emotions better.

But for now, i feel bad taht i had to put u through my misery. I wish you’d understand that. That it was hard for me to let go too. But i don’t think you will ever put urself in my shoes, or u ever did. I think u only did some things to keep from losing me.

And that hurt the most, it just mean that i wasn’t worth enough for you to genuinely make me happy.

While there was me constantly worrying our rs was gonna fall apart until eventually it did. I found my “dream guy” but i cant even properly love him right because i cant heal from you.

So i just keep taking constant breaks. It’s hard for me to love, and it always will be. I tend to break myself while i’m in love, maybe to me, that’s what loving means, to love that person so unfathomably, unconditionally much that you are comfortable in losing yourself.

I hate how selfish you are. The one time i chose to be selfish, i was suddenly the bad guy, the one who chose to give up first, the person who “fell out of love”… But really, who gave up first?

The truth is, u only wanted to love me on ur own terms, to ur own convenience. Throughout it all, it was me against my own thoughts. I hate it, and i hate myself and i hate that i can’t bring myself to hate you.

You couldn’t even be nice to me when talking to me after the breakup.. Apparently, that’s how much u loved me.

The moment you realised i no longer can’t give u anything anymore, the moment u realised i cant be the one to keep the rs afloat, U give up. YOU, IT WAS YOU.

I never cheated. I never lied. I never hid.

YOU GOT TIRED OF ME.

[mandasmusings]

sometimes it’s still hard for me to not blame myself for staying for as long as i did, even though i’m thankful it wasn’t for any longer either. but that’s what i always did. i’d have hopes that things could change; their feelings could change, that they could change. but my empathy for why people were as fucked up mentally would make excuses for how poorly they treated me. my empathy is my best and worst trait. and it’s always kept me in relationships for longer than i should. because part of me just wanted to be accepted and was fighting to be accepted. the fact that i just want to be loved and feel chosen. i just want someone to love me as much as i love them. sometimes it feels like i’m asking for too much. but with the right person, it shouldn’t feel that way.

now, to look at why i do this. sometimes, i feel like i’m deflecting from my own behavior, but that’s just me blaming myself again. my dad was never happy with anything i did. i never felt like i could amount to anything or live up to his standards. now, i don’t think my dad is a narcissist but he definitely had narcissistic tendencies at some point. that was 100% why my last relationship was so triggering. and as sad as it sounds, i feel like if i stayed, i would’ve ended up killing myself. sometimes, even just thinking about the mental abuse i went through with him makes me depressed. but i know i can’t avoid it. and that in order to heal i have to rip the bandaid off. he brought me down so low just so he could be my only source of happiness. and i’m almost 100% sure he is a narcissist. especially seeing how he conducted himself after the break up and being in a new relationship. obviously i only see what he shows on social media (and don’t judge me for lurking lmao. but it gave me some solace that i really wasn’t the problem), but i can already see the same patterns and i feel so bad for the new girl and the day he decides he’s over her. that relationship with him broke me. it absolutely broke me. it brought me back to my childhood. i felt like i wasn’t deserving of love. but i thank god it happened because it showed me my childhood wounds to the fullest extent. i’m stubborn and obviously god was fed up with sending me the milder versions and not learning my lesson lol.

after the breakup, it made me face the childhood wounds i had from my dad. these days, my dad and i don’t have much of a relationship at all. but after talking to my grandma and realizing that my dad isn’t loving with his own mom either, i realized it wasn’t anything i did or could have done for him to love me the way i wanted to be loved. and while our relationship isn’t bad anymore, i just had to accept the fact that i’ll never receive what i need from him. and that’s okay. because i have plenty of people that do love me the way i need to be loved, including myself.

so reminder to self: you are so lovable. you do in fact love yourself. and you are worth of the love that you give yourself. that’s something you seem to forget when you get wrapped up in someone else because you would sacrifice so much for that person. but just because you’re willing to do everything for that person, does not mean they would do the same for you. it’s okay to put yourself first.