#i never could figure how to format the fuckin things but maybe i should!!

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

I need to go scream in a field or just scream along to some death metal right this minute

#smol has a vent #seriously like i was doing FINE i was in my normal state of Complete Lack Of Any Feeling #and I try to draw a lil something and BOOM i want to rip my own throat out of my mouth #yknow tomorrow is Monday ppl should be at work including neighbours maybe i can get a little screamin done #but if im not as good as the singers ill feel bad too :) i think i might actually be in a depressive state lads #unfortunately its not good enough to write poetry about FUCK i shoulda just published those poems shoudlnt i #i never could figure how to format the fuckin things but maybe i should!! #just self publish two small (and i mean SMALL) poetry collections on Amazon and make like 2 quid every 3 months #would yall like that? i say yall like more than one of you looks at my blog (hi Sky!!) #all my poems are like themed on flowers and either girls or murder or both :) i had a kild fixation on murder ballads and flower symbolism #half of my shit aint publishable but the ones that are? ooh i went OFF on em #i have like 3 really good ones i still love a lot #HOOO BOY I LOVE BEING MENTALLY STABLE

[ohtobearandomftblog]

Any specific headcanons for the twin dragons of sabertooth?

i have two separate vibes/aus that change the headcanons for them but you dont get the family au that im still workin on bc im nowhere near sabertooth just yet so take this in whatever format happens as i write

birthdays literally 6 months apart to the DAY but ONLY on the years that have that extra day. leap year? they dont remember what its called

because of that and the "twin" in their duo name they just decided that fuck it that one day every like four years is their birthday. regardless that its a day after stings and six months (minus a day) before rogues

they genuinely dont remember whos older. its gotta be someone. they have no damn clue. one of them either looks older than they are or looks younger than they are and the people who bother commenting on it flip flop between em every time

yknow that dumbass "one room for opposite twins with one half all bright and bubbly and the other all dark and emo" trend? yeah thats their apartment

sting is the only one rogue cant really see much of with his shadows no matter how close or far he is. its cause o how fuckin bright he is.

rogue is the only one sting can hear without the hearing lacrima. sure its not crystal clear like his sight but he can sure understand what hes sayin eventually. he genuinely has no clue why

weisslogia and skiadrum lived really close to one another compared to all the other dragons and their slayers. whenever one loses sight of their slayer they just go to the other dragon and boom the kids are playin together in the forest

sting cant handle sleeping in pure darkness unless he sleeps next to rogue. rogue also cant handle sleeping in the light unless its right next to sting. theres a night light in their room on sting's side and rogue just pulls a hand towel over his face to block it out.

in a universe closer to canon, after jiemma nearly killed lector and sting killed jiemma, rogue tried to convince sting that maybe they should just join fairy tail at the soonest opportunity. minerva was just like jiemma and the only person who really showed they cared was yukino, who had been exiled earlier that fuckin week. sting was close to doing that after he got lector back, but then he became master instead of minerva, and suddenly they were too busy to think about joining fairy tail

after sting became master rufus and orga tried to be all buddy-buddy but rogue shot them down real fucking fast. it took many months before rufus and orga could earn the actual trust and respect of the dragon slayers and not just the "yeah i know them they joined same time as me. fuckin pompous pricks is what they are" that they always thought of them as

sting actually found frosch's egg and rogue found lector's. they were raised together but once the exceeds were able to start going on quests and were allowed out of the little hammock they slept in they had to swap primary parents. frosch was only comfortable in the dark and needed that pink frog onesie otherwise and lector was only comfortable in the light or hed get so anxious and have insomnia

sting and rogue have opposite personalities

everyone who never met them and had that as their only warning figured that oh the white dragon slayer was all bubbly and optimistic and the shadow dragon slayer was all emo and pessimistic

no

no no no no no its the EXACT opposite

sting is the one that talks about the macabre and is all "we're gonna die" 100% seriously about every little thing in a light voice and assumes the worst of everyone all the time

rogue is the one thats into shit like harajuku fashion and hello kitty and always says "of fun" to stings death talks in a serious voice and assumes the best of everyone all the time

lector. people assume hes either 100% sting or 100% rogue personality wise. no. he likes the macabre and dresses all jock n shit like sting but assumes the best of everyone like rogue

frosch is the opposite of lector. dresses all bright and bubbly but will say the most depressing shit youve ever heard

all four of them are siblings. they will beat the shit out of anyone who thinks sting and rogue are boyfriends

sting is like a toned down juvia but to natsu

rogue is like a toned down juvia but to gajeel

sting will say the most hypersexual shit to natsu half as a joke half seriously and natsu either doesnt realize it or is like "oh thats SO something i should say to lucy to make her pissed off". sting has accepted his position as the forever pining side character and he finds it hilarious

rogue will do everything he can to not speak to gajeel unless theyre both in a fight. not even to ask for a fuckin pen or somethin. the few times gajeel spoke to him (even to ask for a fuckin pen) short circuited him and he either stumbled his way to an answer or sting answered for him. hes also accepted his position as the forever pining side character but hes sad about it

after sting became master they kicked out so many assholes in sabertooth the guild was less than half of what it was in the gmg when they were done

honestly all of the new members still think rogue's the master. even when rogue specifically refers to sting as "master" so they can get in the habit of doing the same they still think people saying "master" means rogue and not sting.

sting makes fun of him for having ducklings

rogue makes fun of him for making him have ducklings since sting was the one that assigned him the position of "showing newbies around"

sting just laughs

#was unsure what you meant by specific hcs for these two so i just did ones that focused on them and kinda their exceeds #Sting Eucliffe #Rogue Cheney #Fairy Tail Lector #Fairy Tail Frosch #Fairy Tail #ohtobe asks #Sabertooth #Fairy Tail Sabertooth #Fairy Tail Headcanons

[elevatorelevenhatesyou]

Unification Is All Goddamn Over The Place

I need to yell at another popular thing. This time it's a fan made mod for this old strategy game called Warhammer 40,000 Dawn of War, specifically the Soulstorm expansion.

The last few months have been a fucking nightmare. I've sunk deeply into an old project to keep myself busy.

I made a personal mod for this game called Dawn of War. It started as a simple idea. We always wished that Imperial Guardsmen would stand closer together in their formations so that more of them could be stacked in a tight defensive line.

One day I decided, well I've heard of mods for this game, maybe I could figure out how that shit worked. So I did, and it was a long and often painfully tedious and frustrating process that involved dealing with a lot of stupid problems that didn't make any sense, as is always the case with modding things, or with programming in general. But it paid off, and I made guardsmen stand closer together.

From there it just kept snowballing. We would be playing against the computer and would say things like "I feel like X should be stronger", or "Why can you only have one Y?" or "It'd be neat if you could do Z," and then I would go AH HA! I SHALL MAKE IT SO, WITH MY MOD POWERS!

And after several years of this, the result is something that's quite an expansion on the original Dawn of War: Soulstorm. I've added some new units, tons of new abilities, and changed hundreds of other little things, and I polished it all a great deal with custom icons and tooltips and that, because it didn't feel complete otherwise.

But there was always this looming shadow just out of my sight range. For the longest time I'd heard mention of other major mods for Dawn of War. Mods that added whole new races, with custom models and some even with their own voice acting, with expansive new AI tactics. Names like Titanium Wars, Ultimate Apocalypse, Firestorm Over Kronus, Dawn of War Redux, or the much more succinctly titled Tyranids Mod.

It adds the Tyranids, you see.

I never tried any of that though, because I wasn't interested in opening that can of worms. I have no ability to make models or rig animations, and coding is horrifying witchcraft to me. A while ago, though, I decided I'd give a few of those big mods a look, starting with the mod of mods, Dawn of War: Unification. Maybe I could find stuff to steal.

Unification is a little less of its own alteration project and more of a big tool that combines a whole bunch of New Race mods into one big single thing, and I'd seen some article headlines lying around gaming websites saying things like 'Unification mod breathes new life into this fifteen year old game' or some such, and it always would feature prominently on various "top x best Dawn of War mods you should totally try out" lists.

Turns out Unification sucks and I hate it.

Like holy shit. What an ungodly mess it is.

Firstly I should say, I haven't looked into the credits at all, and each of, or at least some of, these new races was a separate mod before being compiled into Unification, so when I shit talk Unification in general, I'm not specifically blaming anybody in particular because I don't know who was responsible for what. I won't name any names, because I don't know any. When I use "they" or "the authors" or "the creators" or what have you, I'm only referring to whoever was making the given part I'm currently talking about, and I'll try not to make sweeping statements as though a single group of people did everything.

Secondly, I'm aware I'm talking about a free mod for a really old video game. You might say well it's just groups of fans, these are made by like at best indie developers, it's all passion projects, don't you think you're being really harsh here?

To which I say I USED THE SAME FUCKIN SOAP YOU DID As mentioned I have a mod project of my own, it started years ago, recently picked it back up, been working on it basically nonstop for the past three or four months because it's really comfortable busywork for my hands to occupy all the parts of my mind that otherwise won't shut the fuck up about how worthless I am as a person.

I'm not sure if it's frustrating or gratifying that other modders have had bunch of the same ideas I had, like adding conscript squads to the Imperial Guard or Retributors to the Sisters of Battle. I hadn't planned on ever making like a public release of the thing I've made, it's just something to play by myself or with my brother and a buddy or two, but maybe I SHOULD try turning it into a big public downloadable thing, since I've now seen some of the competition and it was so jarringly terrible that it somehow made me hate myself less, which I didn't even know could happen. Maybe I can supplant Unification and become lord of Dawn of War mods and then my fanfiction ideas will get so popular they get written into the Warhammer 40,000 canon, and then all the money will be mine and I won't need to get a fucking job, Mom!

anyway

PART 1

WHAT'S THIS GUY? HE IS UGLY!

Despite what I just said about not making sweeping statements, I do have to say there are a few problems that seem to be omnipresent throughout, or at least throughout most everything but the Witch Hunters. The Witch Hunters one is pretty solid.

I think I can say as a general summary: It's mostly highly technically proficient with no taste whatsoever. Great effort was put into things that should not have been done, and not enough effort was put into polish or actual game design.

Spelling errors? For real?

"He" is the only leader they'll accept, even though that looks and sounds like a woman.

Overindulgence is a recurring theme. I'll start with the User Interface because that seems like the least important thing to complain about.

The UI is ugly. It's hideous. I mean obviously ugly comes down to personal taste, but this goes past that because this is seriously so busy that it interferes with one's ability to actually read the buttons.

So many details, so much contrast, everything is a mess of high saturation colors.

I did not edit any of these images, this is how it looks in the actual mod. This insane loud blaring shitty nightmare.

Here's what the game looks like normally, by the way, without fanwank all over it.

Why are the icons changed? I mean first of all, why did you even bother to do this? Secondly, why did you make them worse? They're just ugly and obtrusive now like everything else that was changed for no reason! So obtrusive that it actually damages my ability to concentrate on the game, in two ways. A, it's the first impression a new player gets, and boy is it negative when it looks this messy and stupid, and it is stupid because B, it actually obscures other parts of the UI, which is such an unbelievably boneheaded and amateurish thing to do that I can't quite believe it's still like this. Did I miss a patch or something? The files on ModDatabase seemed pretty recent.

This does not inspire confidence in the rest of the mod. AH HA, turns out the interface WASN'T the least important after all! But people might THINK it was the least important because they think it has no tangible effect on gameplay! Except it DOES! Because it affects the feel of the whole experience when you're playing a game that might take hours and a lot of it is about careful management but part of your visual cortex is screaming the whole time about WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BIG ORANGE BLOB DOWN HERE, IT POPS OUT SO MUCH AGAINST THE REST OF THE BACKDROP, DO I HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO THAT!? and it's sucking up some of your concentration without you even knowing it! This shit is exactly why nobody can remember anything that happens in Michael Bay movies! Where was that bit of Lindsay Ellis explaining this shit..

Continuing with the theme of ugliness and lack of taste, on to the custom 3D models for new units and buildings.

Gotta say first, some of these custom models are amazing. I really like the look of some of these buildings, especially Thousand Sons.

Not all of them though.

Yikes.

Are these imported from Tera Online? I mean Tera IS a monument to Slaanesh, but still, you don't think this is really out of place?

The naked lady mannequin mounted on this guy’s pauldron is a nice touch, but her head is literally always clipping through his back spiky thing.

is that desmond miles

Animations especially are almost uniformly bad. And I mean, I'm sure this shit's hard, but like.. I don't think it's unreasonable to say wow this looks gross. This is a janky mess, and sometimes some animations are even missing entirely. 

Lots of models scrape along the ground when they move because their walk cycles don't sync up properly with their speed.

I don't know much about 3D modelling so I can't really articulate in detail why some look good and most look bad, but some of them are really good, and not just the ones that are taken from Dawn of War 2.

Even though I'm about to go on a huge tangent about how many goddamn Space Marines there are, there's actually been some real work put into making some of these chapters look distinct. Black Templars, Blood Angels, and Space Wolves Thirteenth Company could use a bit more maybe, but a bunch of Dark Angels have hoods or cloaks, and most of the Imperial Fists have big clunky heavier looking helmets and armor. The Thousand Sons are all angular and weird. And of course, the World Eaters and Emperor's Children are covered in garbage because they're all fuckin crazy.

Good stuff.

Anyone want to take a second pass at some of these Daemons of Chaos models though? Please? They are awful. I think they may have been awful for a very long time. Does anyone care? No? You're all too busy making even more fucking space marines? Ahkay.

PART 2

THE "I'M SICK OF SPACE MARINES" TANGENT

This is more of a thing I have against the state of Warhammer 40,000 in general than against these mods specifically, though I can still level it at them too. Literally more than half of the playable races in this thing are some form of space marine. Higher if we broaden it to also include the Sisters. And we should, because they're basically also space marines.

DON'T give me one single shit about how the Sisters of Battle and the Space Marines are totally different factions as far apart as Space Marines and Orks or Space Marines and Necrons. If you think that, you are wrong, and I don't want to hear that stupid pretentious gatekeeping bullshit. They're humans in heavy armor, they serve the Imperium, they worship the Emperor of Mankind, they have a really strong religious theme, and they always go on about crushing the heretic. They are both from the same Priest/Cleric/Paladin "Holy Warrior" Archetype. They even have a ton of the same weapons and use a lot of the same tanks.

If it were up to me there wouldn't even be a Sisters of Battle organization, some Space Marines would just be girls.

And don't give a single shit about THAT either! It'd be EASY, here let me show you. The lore says something something the genetic modification process to turn a normal human into a space marine only works on men because it comes from the genetic templates of the Primarchs who were all men because they were clones of the Emperor, oh my would you look at that, we just uncovered some Dark Age of Technology stuff deep inside Mars or something that improves the process a whole bunch, fewer candidates are dying from the process than ever before, what good news, and oh wow look at that it even works on women now, they get huge and muscular and most of them go bald and we put them in exactly the same heavy armor as every other space marine, bam, done, girl space marines, no fucking problem. Yknow all that stuff I just said about why it doesn't work on girls? You know that stuff is fantasy bullshit that was made up right? Like it's not true, it was written by writers, they can just WRITE MORE THINGS. And it'd even be easier now since they just did that whole thing where like a bunch of Primarchs came back. Fuck all that deteriorating geneseed shit, we have access to actual Primarchs now! Hey Robert, roll up your sleeve for a second!

Erm. what was I saying

right too big a focus on Space Marines. More than half of all the races are minor variations on space marines. Let's have a look at the math. Here's a complete list of the races included in the current version of Unification:

Dark Angels, Imperial Fists, Daemon Hunters, Legion of the Damned, Salamanders, Sisters of Battle, Space Marines, Blood Angels, Black Templars, Thirteenth Company, and Witch Hunters are all Space Marines or Basically Space Marines, and Chaos Marines, Emperor's Children, World Eaters, and Thousand Sons are all Evil Space Marines. And then Imperial Guard, Adeptus Mechanicus, and Steel Legion are all still humans, just not actual Space Marines.

1. Dark Eldar 2. Chaos Daemons 3. Eldar 4. Harlequins 5. Necrons 6. Orks 7. Tau Empire 8. Tyranids Out of twenty six factions, EIGHT of them are aliens, and five of those eight are aliens that were included in the base game and didn't come from any mods. THREE out of SEVENTEEN custom races included in the Unification mod are actual aliens, and ALL of the rest are different flavors of human. Less than a fifth. It's like fucking Mass Effect 2 and 3 in here.

I hear they're working on adding the Death Guard next. They too are Space Marines.

Remember when this galaxy had aliens in it?

Yes I'm counting the Chaos Daemons as aliens at the moment, because they're at least non-human. And that's really generous, because they're still Chaos, which is the same faction as all the Evil Space Marines, which means like three quarters of this list are the Imperium Vs Chaos conflict.

But like I said this is more a stupid annoying thing that Games Workshop is doing with Warhammer 40k. Space Marine miniatures are popular, so they write more lore for Space Marines, which makes them more popular, etc, etc, now basically everything is Space Marines vs Chaos Space Marines. GW recently announced the Squats are coming back. While I'm happy about that because they're space dwarves, they're still aligned with the Imperium, and it's looking kinda like they're basically more humans in power armor AKA more Space Marines.

Anybody remember Genestealers?

I think they actually got a new tabletop rulebook recently, plus they were the bad guys in that Space Hulk Deathwing game, and seems the Dawn of War community cared so little about them that nobody's even working on a mod that adds them as a race to Unification.

PART 3

DO YE ALWAYS YAP SO MUCH, HUMIE?

Gonna complain about the sound now, so nothing to take pictures of.

A lot of new custom units have new custom voices. Some of them are thankfully just made of clips from other Dawn of War games and that's all grand, though the Dawn of War 2 orks do have a slightly different feel, but it's not a big issue. Unfortunately the majority of the custom voice work is pretty awful, obviously. It's to be expected from people who aren't like an actual professional studio or whatever; high variance in acting talent, microphone quality, that sort of thing. I'm prepared to forgive bad acting if it's not extremely annoying, but, much of it is extremely annoying.

I'm gonna single out the Imperial Fists to pick on here because not only is the acting bad but they are also extremely loud. Continuing the theme of lack of polish, it seems like nobody's done any proper volume balancing.

Also, this is a minor thing, but, a lot of the Emperor's Children chaos guys pronounce it, like, "SLANish" or something? Almost like "Spanish" but with an L. I mean it's a made up word that appeared in print for like years before anybody said it out loud or whatever, I don't know if there's like an official pronunciation or anything, but they do pronounce it "Slah-NESH" in every other licensed Warhammer game I've ever seen. Up to and including the very one that this mod is for..

So that's kinda weird.

Continuing the other running theme of problems: extreme self indulgence and poor design choices. The acting would be a lot easier to forgive if there wasn't so FUCKING MUCH OF IT.

These lines are VERY long. They're stuck up their own ass with bad jokes and bits of lore, not to mention the usual Warhammer verbosity taking the place of personality. I click on this Sororitas Landraider and she babbles out like three entire sentences. Every time I click on it. Jokes are bad. I don't mean the jokes they make are bad (I think they're bad, of course, but you can decide for yourselves), I mean making jokes in unit response lines is a bad idea. Lines should be concise and simple, but some dimwit decided that short lines are beneath them. Yeah calling you out specifically this time, whoever that was who wrote that script guidelines bit on the revora forum about "one word responses are okay here and there but you shouldn't have very many." Yeah you, ya idiot, short responses are fucking wonderful. Maximum of FORTY WORDS? Fuck that shit, your maximum ought to be like a third that length.

Lines get repeated in a game like this A LOT. You click on units, and they say a line. You tell them to do a thing, and they say a line. Clicking on units and telling them to do things is LITERALLY ALL YOU DO IN ORDER TO PLAY THIS GAME. You will be hearing the same lines over and over again, forever. Lines become memes basically automatically. Short responses that are simple and concise don't take up room in your head. They can be repeated any number of times, and it doesn't ever become tiresome.

Jokes, on the other hand, even if they are actually funny, are never funny the second time. This can only work if they are not self indulgent and out of place, and still fit the character, and above all, again, are VERY SHORT.

Dawn of War 2 loved putting little jokes and memes and references in dialogue. The Imperial Guard Inquisitor sometimes says "My chief weapons are surprise and fear!" Oh hey a Monty Python reference, lol, funny. The first time it's funny, but after that it just becomes a thing the Inquisitor says sometimes, so it has to fit that role too. And it does, because it still fits her character, it isn't obtrusive if you don't know the reference because it still works in context, and it is VERY SHORT.

Incidentally over in Ultimate Apocalypse they gave this line to this lieutenant lady because ha ha monty python funny joke except the joke is that this line is said by the INQUISITOR in Dawn of War 2 so why the FUCK did you idiots give it to this lady, it isn't even a joke about her being an inquisitor quoting monty python spanish inquisition anymore

Yeah Ultimate Apocalypse also sucks, but it has a much more specific focus, ie bringing in all the superduper giant units, so if that's your bag, go nuts I guess. I think they're rubbish too, obviously. That's a different rant.

The only real exception to the length issue that I can think of is if it fits the character to talk for a really long time, and more importantly if it doesn't become obtrusive. IE, Thule in Dawn of War 2 talks a lot, but he's a dreadnought, so 1, he's like a messed up brain damaged half asleep sorta guy so it fits for him to ramble a bunch about weird shit all the time, 2, he speaks in a very deep low mumble that easily gets drowned out by more important things, and 3, his voice is really cool.

If your voice isn't as awesome as the Dawn of War 2 dreadnought, fuckin keep it short.

Lore can similarly be worked in only if it's really short. In the Dark Crusade expansion these special marines got added called Grey Knights, and if you click on them sometimes they say "The Ordo Malleus has sent us to aid you." Ah ha, these guys who look different come from something called the Ordo Malleus, and they're special somehow. Lore understood! But most importantly, again, for the cheap seats in the back, this line is one sentence of nine words and takes less than two seconds to say.

Oh, and of course it's not just the voices. Tooltips are also written with lore and jokes and in-character blather. Tooltips! Like, the little descriptions that appear when you mouse-over an icon! This too is very up its own ass.

It's pretentious, it's super proud of itself, it sounds just like the goofy walls of text from the Warhammer rulebooks that talk for multiple pages about how goddamn amazing these units and their weapons are, they know no fear and their mighty blades rend flesh and armor alike, etc, etc, etc, on and on and on and on, and by know no fear I actually mean they have a morale check leadership score only one better than the regular-ass-human Imperial Guardsmen.

And that stuff is fine if it's confined to those preliminary pages about dispensing background information. I mean I hate that style of writing but again, that's up to personal taste so whatever. But the most important thing to take away from those parts of the rulebooks is that they are SEPARATE from the ACTUAL RULES.

Oh look! USEFUL INFORMATION! Thanks, Warhammer rulebook!

If you stuff this shit and this style into the actual descriptions then it's just a useless waste of time that gets in the way when I'm trying to learn what the fuck this button does!

You know who got this right? Dawn of War Redux got this right.

Ahh it's beautiful.

Ahg no fuck take it away

PART 4

IF ANY DICE MATCH, THEY EXPLODE

SO SPEAKING OF THAT GAME DESIGN STUFF. Much of it is overcomplicated pointless shit.

Lore is a crutch. For my mod I always first and foremost tried to make it, yknow, fun. Like, to play. Stuff like, I tried to give each race a unique theme and playstyle that fits their personality. Lore accuracy was never a priority. I looked at the rulebooks for inspiration, not as a bible. These mods were made by people who care more about adhering to lore than making a polished well designed game. I know, because they've all made scout marines a melee unit that must be upgraded to have a decent ranged attack, even though scout marines are fucking garbage in melee and they should never try to fight things in close combat or they'll die instantly. Why the hell would they make them a melee unit first? Because that's how it is in the space marines rulebook.

Why the hell does the rulebook do this? I do not know. Nobody knows. It's a dumb idea.

The tabletop rules have a LOT of customization options. Because, like, it's a tabletop game played with miniature figures. Games Workshop heavily promotes customizing your army however you want, like with lots of units to choose from and lots of weapons and equipment for each unit, but also with lots of color schemes for different groups within each faction, and of course with lots of different factions too. They do this partly because that's a big element of the appeal of tabletop games and the Warhammer 40k franchise in general, and also because, yknow, they want you to buy more miniatures.

But an unfortunate consequence of having lots of options and promoting the Space Marines so much over the years is that now there are a billion and a half possible permutations of a Space Marine army, and for some reason the kind of people who love the Space Marines so fucking much that they want to add specifically the Thirteenth Company of specifically the Space Wolves chapter of the Space Marines faction specifically during the time in their history where they were trapped in the Eye of Terror so their primary headquarters building is a hijacked chaos warp portal

have decided that they want to include ALL OF THEM.

Jesus Christ, Dark Angels. Calm the fuck down.

Since it’s hard to tell from just a screenshot, there are twenty two different types of squads here. Some of them are made up of more than one type of unit, ie a bunch of marines and one marine sergeant. Additionally, there’s a force commander there, but there are four other kinds of commander that I could choose from, I’m just limited to only one commander at a time. ALSO additionally, this is just one of three branches that I could have taken this faction, which would have replaced some of these unit options with other ones.

Most races have some kind of branching mutually exclusive options thing. Like you'll have to pick one of three different researches and each one opens up some units but closes off others, like the Dark Angels here who can choose between putting all their guys on bikes, or getting the heavy armor guys, or all of the flying units. Or something. I didn't read all of the text, my mind started to glaze over.

So, altogether the Dark Angels faction has like sixty or seventy different units available. In the above screenshot I opened up the files in the mod editor program and the list of Dark Angels units literally doesn’t fit on the screen. Look at all those units in one race. This is ridiculous.

For comparison, here's the normal Space Marine faction from the base game. And many of those aren’t units available for regular multiplayer games, like all those _sp ones or the _prisoner ones, those are only for the single player campaign.

I suspect that many of these inclusions are largely because they wanted to add every unit idea they could think of, but then they realized that doing so would result in a roster of like forty types of unit available to one faction, and the mutual exclusivity was the go to method for reducing the number of units a player has access to in a given match. They did not appear to consider the possibility that a new player would then have to learn all of this shit and get overwhelmed and annoyed.

Since I praised Witch Hunters before I'll balance it out by picking on it here. What's really the point between choosing between making the Inquisition Path get Arco-flagellants and the Sororitas Path get Sisters Repentia when both of them are high damage high health slow melee focused heavy infantry? They both get slightly different versions of the Exorcist artillery tank too. In the base game there's only one instance of mutually exclusive build choices (well two I guess, the Necron Lord's artifacts, but they only change what abilities he has, not what units the player has access to so it matters less) and that's the Tau Empire having to choose between the Montka Command Post or the Kauyon Command Post, one of which lets you have Kroot Hounds, the Krootox, and better regular infantry, and the other lets you have Crisis Battlesuits and Hammerhead Gunships, but those two pairs of units are REALLY different. Crisis Suits and Hammerheads are huge ranged damage powerhouses while Hounds and Krootoxes are both pretty much melee only. Crisis Suits can jump, which opens up more tactical options, while Krootoxes have an assload of health, much more than (nearly) every other Tau unit, which gives you a solid front line that can draw enemy fire.

Personally I don't even like the exclusivity thing when it's done well because I'm an anxious wreck who can't handle important decisions, so in my mod I just let the Tau build both command posts. It's fine, really, I mean they're still limited by the same vehicle cap and shit.

What is the point of these changes? The Imperial Fists have some kind of different way to upgrade their resource acquisition, but I never really noticed it mattering. The Chaos Daemons have this thing where the power resource is replaced with "daemonic power" which is used to cast abilities mostly instead of building big vehicles, and they have a different method of spending the other resource to get it instead of building power generators, but this too doesn't really change the way they play. You still build the trade building just like you build power generators, and you get enough of it that you're hardly ever in danger of actually running out once a big battle gets going. It's a new system, but the player interacts with it in exactly the same way as before, so what's the point?

Oh but the World Eaters have a thing I unironically think is awesome. Their resources go up when they hit people, that's excellent, and actually does change gameplay. I do think all the extra Blood resource stuff and the fifty different types of units is still in the same bad habits category as the rest though. I know they're the World Eaters Legion but we really don't need like six different flavors of Berserker.

Pictured, from left to right, guys who hit stuff, guys who hit stuff, guys who hit stuff, guys who hit stuff, and guys who hit stuff.

Again, I get the feeling that these are ideas that sounded cool, so somebody made them, but then they didn't really think about how they would actually play. Like I said, this stuff is fun to make and it's cool to show that you made it. And like, I get that, I did a bunch of that too. I just also get neurotic about creating a thing that's polished enough to pass for professional work because of all my self worth issues, and very little of this looks like it'd pass for Not Obviously A Fan Mod.

As for how each of these races is balanced against each other, I have no idea, I haven't played much of it, and certainly never against other people. On one hand my instinct says the balance is probably awful since balance is difficult and time consuming and everything else seems flimsy and unpolished, but on the other hand I know some species of PvP Asshole care more about balance than about lore, so maybe that's the thing they've actually put effort into. I wouldn't know, I don't touch PvP in anything.

I'm running out of concrete things to complain about in the gameplay since I haven't played much of it, what with the first impressions being so terrible, and this is getting too long already. Unification is such a mess that I don't even know if I'm going to bother scavenging bits of it for my own mod. It makes me angry because this modding community seems to know how to do all the things I wish I could do, but this mod sucks at all the polish stuff that I'm neurotic about. Perhaps we could make something truly amazing if we worked together, but I'm a really unpleasant person to be around even if I weren't riddled with crippling anxiety and depression, so, yknow. And I can’t learn any of the other stuff like models and animation and sound because these people also can’t write tutorials worth a damn.

Oh yeah and sometimes the game just fuckin crashes. Brilliant.

#warhammer 40000 #warhammer 40k #wh40k #dawn of war #soulstorm #dawn of war: soulstorm #mod #fan mod #unification #unification mod #space marines #adeptus astartes #chaos #chaos space marines #heretic astartes #more space marines #so many space marines #too many fucking space marines #and none of them are girls #no seriously why aren't there girl space marines #rant #analysis #critique

[aurora-the-kunoichi]

The Forgotten - Part Six Return of the Nerd

Full story here

SMUT FO SHO MY BITCHES, CAUSE THATS HOW I DO!

Despite her failing protests Michelangelo personally escorted Aurora from the compound. She really had no choice in the matter, if she tried to fight him, she would attract unwanted attention and she’d be found out. Thankfully, Mikey didn’t seem too keen on bringing her to Bishop, he actually looked a little nervous as his eyes moved about the hallway seeming to keep her from full view of all cameras. But she had gotten what she wanted, confirmation of Bishop’s base, the one they had been searching for, for years. This was a good thing; it was a win in her eyes.

He walked her through the main gate making sure to keep his massive frame in front of the cameras and guards to shield her presence. This was all so surreal; so much had changed in the last few months. They went from trying to end her life to being unable to control their hormones like horny teenagers but still wary of her motives. She’d take it.

 As they came to the edge of the compound’s boundaries Mikey stopped turning to look at the kunoichi. His large mitt palmed the side of Aurora’s throat before running up to cup her cheek. His rough thumb drug over her bottom lip and he let out a soft sigh which by the sudden bunch of his shoulder muscles was unexpected. His eyes scanned over her face and a look of contentment flash over his baby blues but morphed to concern. “Leo said you told him there’s something inside of us, all of us. What is it?”

 Taking a deep breath, she let it out ready to give him some answers his overactive brain was so desperately in need of, “It looks like a tiny metal octopus, like smaller than an eraser head. It constantly moves so it’s difficult to locate inside the body and why we weren’t able to figure out how he’s been controlling you all. We only found out recently and by pure accident. If only we had Donnie…..”

 “Donnie?”

 Closing her eyes momentarily Aurora let out a heavy sigh and she looked up into his baby blues, “He’s your brother. He went missing almost four years ago, a year before you, Leo and Raph were taken.” Another deep breath, but she decided to keep the new formation of Donnie trying to return from him. If he was lying, which he had always been a horrible liar but just in case he grew some new skills since he was reprogramed Aurora kept that little nugget of info close to her chest.  

 Mikey cocked his head rubbing the back of head, she could see him wince a little and his eyes fog over. “He’s a genius….purple.”

 “Yeah, you’re right….Mike did that hurt you to think of that?”

 “It felt like someone was trying to drill into the back of my skull. Fuckin burns man.”

 Aurora moved quickly around to the back of the terrapin and pressed her palm to the back of his bald crown. There, she fucking felt it, the flutter of something under his flesh caught between his skull and his scalp. She reached for his hand and yanked it back to replace hers. “There! Do you feel it?!”

 It took him a few seconds to feel the movement but when he did Mikey’s body jolted with surprise. “What the hell? Fuck!” His fingers cupped it trying to grab at it. “There is something in me! Cut it out! Jesus get it out!”

 “I-I can’t Mike, that’s your skull, that’s a little more important than your shin or arm. It could get infected I don’t want to lose you to something as stupid as that. Besides its dark and I have nothing to grab it. My fingers would be covered in blood and that thing would slip free.”

 “Fuck, it’s gone.” He began to touch his skin trying to find it again.

 “The skull maybe blocks the transmission a little? I’ve seen your x-rays; you guys have thick skulls. Maybe the mutagen? I don’t know…..” Slowly she took his hand in hers pulling them to her cheeks, the gesture stopped his frenzy. “Why didn’t you turn me into Bishop? I was at your mercy and you didn’t give me over to him. You could have easily done so?”

 “Your eyes.” He cupped her cheeks and locked eyes, “They’re the windows to the soul. The first time we ‘met’ I could see the sadness and the happiness all at the same time. You were legit happy to see us and then it morphed to sadness then terrified. If we had never met before, which we were meant to believe, I would have expected you to be terrified, which is what most people experience when they first see us. But you were happy, relieved even. Fuck, you even knew our god damn names. Like, I was shooketh!  When we got back to base and I confronted Bishop. Bishop told me you were a kunoichi, you were a seductress using your womanly wiles to make us doubt the mission and must have gotten our names from a captured soldier. But your emotions were genuine, so I had trouble brushing it off. Then Raph had his little meet and great with you. You didn’t try to take him, just trying to talk. And then Leo, you could have easily killed him after you sent him to dream land…..awesome job by the way…..but you let him fucking go. What kind of enemy lets their enemies go? You didn’t hurt either of them. When I saw you in the hallway and the way you looked at me when I pulled you into that room, I could see happiness again. No one is happy to see us, not even Bishop. Right now, I can see love.”

 Aurora could see tears begin to form at the corner of his eyes and her body responded following suit. “You were always so intuitive Mikey. I do, I love you, I love all of you. I miss you so much. I wish I could take you home with me.”

 “I know, I know not until you get this slippery little fucker out of us. Plus, I need to stay here and make sure my bros are ok. He cut up Raph to punish Leo for not fulfilling the mission last night.”

 “He did what?! That’s Raph’s blood on your hands?! …..Mission?”

 “Calm down he’s fine, nothing life threatening. Leo was supposed to get loose and tell us where you were, but he never reported in. I guess Leo found something a little more entertaining.” He chuckled half heartily. “I don’t blame him…”

 “Speaking of, how are you doing down there champ?”

 “Blue balls for sure, but I’ll be fine nothing I can’t take care of in a little bit. If it wasn’t for all the security a few hundred feet away I’d have that pretty little pussy of yours stretched over this cock until you were hoarse from screaming my name.”

 Heat flushed her checks and felt the warmth of new arousal bloom in her abdomen at the thought. “I’d let you too. But I need to get out of here before they get suspicious. I mean when you came down that hallway you looked determined.  Where were you heading?”

 Mikey’s eyes widened, “Fuck! I was going to get more bandages! I gotta go! I’ll see you soon Blondie!” and just like that he was gone, running towards the base at top speed. As he reached the main yard he began weaving around and jumping over bodies until he was a speck entering back into the compound.

 It took Aurora less time to head back to her bike still being careful of motion detectors, she took to the streets and as she was a good distance away, she slowed her bike to a stop and pressed the com in her ear.

 “White skull to base.”

 It took a few minutes, but the familiar voice of Casey came over the com his mouth apparently filled with food. “This is Base, go ahead White Skull.”

 “We have confirmation. Disneyland has been located.”

  She didn’t go home right away, the talk of Donnie made Aurora take a detour to the lair. She informed Casey of her next stop and made her way below the streets. Everything was how she left it, dark and empty. Lights began to flicker on illuminating the large space; she moved to the kitchen pulling out a water and cracked it open downing the entire contents in one motion. She moved slowly eyeing the closed door to Donnie’s lab and decided that was where she wanted to be.

 The door opened without a sound and she slipped inside keeping the arch in view. She willed it to come alive with power, to give her back Donnie. As she reached the piece of vexing machinery her fingers ran over the smooth edges finding them surprisingly warm. The lair was naturally cool due to the depth it laid so for the metal to be warm was odd. She moved to the controls and looked for any activity, lights coming alive under the key of the board, a flickering on the screen indicating any type of activity? Anything……anything of Donnie……

 Minutes turned to hours, but she remained glued to her spot. Something in her gut told her to stay, not to leave the lair, not yet. Swiveling in his specially designed chair Aurora picked up a small device on Donatello’s desk and spun it around in her hands. It was glass, a cube to be exact, the reflective qualities were gorgeous, a prism effect. It was a light he had been working on, powered by the warmth from one’s hands. It only took a few moments for the cube to begin to flicker with the variety of colors of a rainbow. The longer she held it the brighter it got. When it reached the desired brightness, she placed it back on his work bench and stared into the shifting hues.

 He had yet to perfect the device, it only held the charge for an hour or two, but he was certain he was about to have a breakthrough with the conversion of power. Something with the helix bonds or whatever. She knew he’d get it; she just didn’t think it would take this long.

 She began to doze mesmerized by the lit cube. Her eyes half closed unfocused on anything she was suddenly aware the light was getting brighter? Did he fix something about it before he disappeared? Blinking her eyes rapidly she focused on the cube finding it like how it should be, dulling with time. Then what was that bright light?

 The sounds of electricity crackling began to rise in volume in his lab along with the pulsing of light she had mistaken from the cube. The source now tore her gaze from Donnie’s work bench to the very much active arch. The light grew in intensity nearly blinding her as Aurora stood from her seat. She shielded her eyes with her arms and watched the arch snap and flicker with power.

 A circle began to open within its circumference swirling between a greyish color and a bright blue. Then it started to fluctuate, and a figure began to form inside the growing vortex. The lines were fuzzy keeping the picture unclear, but her heart jumped and clenched with anxiousness at the forming figure. It had to be, it just had to be.

 Without warning a burst of energy blew from the vortex sending Aurora back with its unexpected force. She toppled over his chair and into a stack of computer parts scattering them across the floor and Aurora on her ass. She quickly got to her feet and found the arc now stable giving her a perfect view of the genius. There was no flickering now, no waves of misaligns data, just a clear as day view of Donatello and it was glorious.

 With unsure steps she made her way around the new mess on the lab floor but kept every sense, every ounce of her concentration on the tall missing terrapin staring back at her through the newly working portal.

 She didn’t know when she had started crying but her cheeks were soaked and her voice unsure, but she called out, “D-Don?”

 Donnie face broke out into an exuberant smile and he reached down for what looked like a bag and hoisted it over his broad shoulder. His left leg rose and slipped through the portal falling onto the cement floor of his lab and the rest of his body followed suit until he was living, breathing, real flesh and bone standing a few excruciating feet away from the trembling woman.

 His tall frame was dressed in new clothes, his legs covered in properly fitted grey slacks with expensive looking custom black boots on his massive feet, old gadgets were gone replaced with smaller fancier items. His backpack was missing but his goggles remained but looked to have gotten a major upgrade. She could see his bo was still there also looking newer. Gone were his broken turtle glasses replaced with black rimed frames that better fit his face making the nerd look more sophisticated. Did he look bigger? The clothes were throwing her off. Where the fuck has he been? The words were on her lips, but she couldn’t move, all her screaming muscles cried out to touch him but she was paralyzed by shock. Four years, it had been, four years since she had seen him in the flesh.  

 The heavy leather duffle was set down and Donatello looked her up and down and he let out a long, very happy shuttering sigh. “You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

 His voice finally broke her from her paralysis, and she stormed forward leaping into his arms praying she wasn’t hallucinating but the solid body that caught her was very much there and very much real. He was home.

 Her hands ran over him just to make sure, up and down his arms, over his neck to the top of his muscled shoulders. Her fingers worked the first few buttons free and felt the familiar scars and gouges of his chest nearly sobbing at the realization of his return.

 “You’re here, you’re really here!”

 “I am, god, it took so long but I’m here.” His finger hooked under her chin so their eyes locked. Purple and brown both flooded with happy tears. “I’ve missed you.” His lips found hers, soft at first growing with enthusiasm as Aurora responded with vigor.

 As their mouths engaged and reengaged in desperate collisions Aurora began to finish stripping the genius of his fancy shirt. Her fingers pulled the fabric from his shoulders, down his arms until he was free. To her delight she was right; Donatello had been working on his fitness while he had been stripped from his family. Donnie had been no weakling by any means, the purple banned terrapin could easily crush a skull with his bare hands but he had bulked up in his time away.  Eager fingers ran along the ridges of the solid definition squeezing hard with appreciation.

 Their mouths broke free pulling in gulps of air and Aurora’s moved to his chiseled jaw line nipping at the scales until he was panting.

 “Don” she mewled between open mouth kisses down his long throat, “Donnie……D……Donatello.” The more she moaned his name the louder he crooned until he reached for the hem of her shirt and pulled it free of her body in one fluid motion.

 “Aurora.” He moaned cupping one breast with his free hand. Gently he squeezed and rolled the fabric over the mound finding the bud beneath peek quickly. His finger caught the bra and pulled it down releasing a breast to his gaze. With a heave Donnie lifted her higher so his mouth could cover the hot flesh sucking and nipping until her could feel the fabric of her pants dampen with her arousal against his plastron. “God, you smell divine. I want to taste you but I don’t think I can wait.”

 There was so much to discuss, so much he didn’t know about. Donnie had no idea his brothers were no longer with the resistance and under Bishop’s control but he looked so happy in this moment and truth was so was Aurora. She would wait to break his heart, they would take this moment, they both needed it. It was a happy reunion and she was sure there would be more now with Donnie back.  Gripping his cheeks she ground against him, “Then don’t.”

 Donatello wasted no time and brought her over to his abandoned desk shoving everything from its surface. He dropped her down and yanked her boots and pants free of her body to begin fumbling with his belt. Aurora’s hands pushed them from the buckle and worked them free with trained ease. The button and zipper were next, teeth opening quickly but making sure not to harm the precious cargo beneath. When the massive erection sprung free of its confines Aurora’s hands were quick to gather the throbbing flesh in both palms.

 The connection with hot flesh against her expert hands made Donnie groan in bliss. His hips shifted making his cock slide through her fingers and she gripped it firmly getting a shuttering sigh from the genius. Her finger found the dripping helm gathering the moister and ran the pad of her finger down the underside of his length staying with the pulsing vein. A hiss pulled through clenched teeth followed by a throaty call of her name. Aurora leaned back spreading her thighs giving him full view of her soaked folds.

 His eyes blew wide at the sight and leaned forward grabbing her right thigh hoisting it up over his shoulder while pressing her back on the cold table. Reaching between them Donatello palmed his length running the spongy head through her folds drenching himself in her scent and essence. Donnie rumbled low closing his eyes to push the head of his cock just past her opening. He stilled at the tightness and the sound of Aurora’s hitch in breath. Rocking slightly he sheathed himself an inch before withdrawing nearly pulling free of her body.

 “D-Donnie….please”

His eye opened looking down at his kunoichi, her face was beautifully flushed, chest heaving and her lips parted with rough breaths. Still only one breast freed from it fabric prison Donnie reached down to free the other. His large hands covered both mounds and the mutant eased more of himself into her, slowly, until every last inch of him was engulfed in the sweet wet heat of Aurora.  

 Both let out a shaky sign at their long past due union and Donnie leaned down to capture her mouth in a searing kiss. He pushed forward again and the pressure of his girth and length made the woman beneath him mewl, arching and twisting to get him to move.

 “Patience Rora, it’s been far too long since I’ve had you.” Slow and deliberate he began to withdrawal tilting himself so he would drag across the roof of her canal. “…far too long.” Reluctantly his hands left her reddened breasts and moved to her hips snapping his own forward with deliberate intention of making Aurora more vocal. He was rewarded pleasantly when her head snapped back at the sudden reentry and a whimpering moan of his name erupted from her throat. It encouraged the deprived terrapin further and Donnie repeated the process at an agonizingly slow pace until she was pleading with him to fuck her.  

 Aurora reached up to grab the rim of the genius’s plastron and she pulled him down, her mouth finding his hungrily.  Lips parted, tongues wound together and the long lost familiar taste of the genius invaded Aurora’s senses like a barreling freight train. It came and she sobbed into his mouth but didn’t’ break the dance.

 The pained sound didn’t startle Donnie but he did pull her closer removing all space that was between them. “I’m sorry.” He pleaded between each drive of his hips. “I’m so sorry.” With each breathless apology his rhythm picked up rutting into the kunoichi with fevered abandon.

 His mouth disconnected with hers traveling down to her throat nipping and sucking making sure to leave marks. It had been years since he had seen his own brand on her skin and he was determined to leave enough so each time she looked in the mirror these next few days he would be the only thing on her mind.  

 Aurora rocked into each plunge of his length whimpering with each strike into her depths. This was so much different than the other day. When she had Leo it was him physically but Leo wasn’t there mentally; he was in his head locked away but not present in the act, maybe to some extent but she couldn’t be sure just yet.

 Donatello was here, all of him; mind body and soul and it made the reunion much more intense. As he drove her to the precipice her hands groped at the dense muscles of his arms dragging him back into her. She was desperate for every inch of him, every drop she was prepared to receive.

 She could feel it, the beginnings of her peek. It started slow like an over flowing sink, the tingling sensation of her climax rolled in her cunt moving to the stretched lips of her labia swallowing his pumping cock.

 Donnie growled feeling her walls started flutter around him, “Are you going to cum for me? I’ve been dre-ahh-aming of his moment for almost five years now. How many times I’ve imagined you under me to give myself a little piece.” His hips picked up in speed to help her along chasing his own in the process. “Cum.” He demanded. “Cum for Donnie.”

 With his command it rolled up her belly and spread like wild fire as Aurora toppled over her peek. Her climax overtook her body tensing, arching into him and she screamed. Open mouthed echoing into the once vacant room she came undone around him.

 “F-f-uck, so tight…..I’m gonna…….” One, two, three more pistons of his hips and Donatello drove forward one last time anchoring himself as far as her body would allow. His beak nudged Aurora’s head to the side to expose her throat and his teeth latched onto the slender column to hold his lover steady as he gave her his release. His cock pulsated painfully and finally erupted with rich ropes of his ejaculate flooding her insides. With each ebbing flow of his climax Donnie rocked into her body with small shallow movements until every drop of his seed was deposited into her womb.

 It took a few minutes for both to calm down, clinging to each other unwilling to disconnect just yet. He was still seated within her as her fingers ran along the top of his shell in slow soothing motions.  She didn’t want to move, she just wanted to enjoy being close to Donnie, he was back, real. His smell was soothing, and his slowing heart beat that thudded against his plastron would easily lull her to sleep. But now it was time for questions, time for answers and he needed to know about his brothers.

 Aurora’s fingers moved to his skull and moved along the back to run down the base of his spin that transitioned into his carapace. He shuttered at the sensation and finally leaned up to look her in the eyes.  

 “Hi.” He whispered ghosting his lips over hers.

 “Hey yourself, nerd.”

 His brown eyes moved over Aurora’s flushed features taking her in, really looking her over for the first time in four years. He could she was happy, and sated for that matter but there as something else in those violet eyes. Then it hit him, they usually moved in pairs, one of his brothers should have been in her company. “Why are you here alone? Are they at the base?”

 She knew who Don was referring too and shifted under him. “Don…there is something I need to tell you.”

 Donnie’s lazy smile lowered his afterglow forgotten. Slowly he pulled from Aurora’s depths and helped her from the table. His lips pressed in a thin line. “No, please don’t tell me……..they’re…….”

 Aurora quickly grabbed for his face not wanting him to finish the sentence. “No! No, they’re not.” She watched his tense body relax at the knowledge his brothers were not dead. “But…they fell under Bishop’s control. Over three years ago Bishop set up an elaborate plan to capture them, you as well if you were with us. He tricked us with false information from a faulty lead and trapped them in an electrified cage. We weren’t able to get to them in time before he stole them away. We barely made it out with our lives as it was. It broke me, broke us, I don’t think the resistance ever fully recovered from the loss of you all. Casey and I ran into them a few months ago for the first time since losing them after trying to confiscate a tech truck that they were overseeing. Leo…Leo nearly killed me. They didn’t know who I was.” Her finger ran over the scar on her abdomen. “But that meeting triggered something in them. All three of them were then drawn to me; I’ve had rather intense interactions with each of them since then.”

 She watched the emotions run across his face; confusion, anger, sadness and finally acceptance. “We’ll get them back. I promise I’ll work day and night to continue my work on how he’s controlling them. We’ll find them, bring them home, I didn’t work my ass off for four years and across several dimensions to not see my brothers again.”

 “That’s the other thing Don, we found it.”

 “Found it?” He parroted tilting his head in confusion.  

 “What Bishop puts in his victims to control them. It’s back at the base at R & D for analysis. It looks like a tiny octopus. We just need to figure out the ‘how’ now, and cut the communication and…. fuck…. we found Bishop’s allusive base tonight too.”

 Donnie cupped her checks and pressed another life stealing kiss to her mouth. With a pop he pulled away with a toothy grin. “You have been rather successful without us.”

 Eyes closed she savored his taste licking her lips, he still drank coffee. They had that where he was? “It took us a bit but you came back just in time to give us a win.” Then her violet eyes snapped open and her palm pressed against his chest applying pressure until the mutant fell into his computer chair with a grunt. She then climbed back on top the genius’s lap and gripped the sides of his plastron looking him square in the eyes. “Now genius…..spill it, where the FUCK have you been?”

 His hands went back to her hips and let out a sigh, “That night when I disappeared I had an epiphany; I came down here with an idea that this thing could help us.” His long arm gestured to his most recent ride home and returned to her lower back to rub the pads of his fingers along her still exposed flesh.  “I was working to use it to access different dimensions….eventually: the nexus, new worlds but what if I used it for a simpler purpose? Move our soldiers from base to a target location to utilize the element of surprise? It would lower the chances of casualties by 30%. I was just going do a test honestly but I must have hit the wrong the button and found myself sucked into the arch and in a new world a very strange new world.”

 “How strange?”

 “Like another version of my brothers and I strange.”

 Aurora’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. “More mutant turtles? Like you? Are you fucking kidding me?”

 “Yes I know, it was rather a large shock for me let me tell you. I dropped right into their lair right on top of another Michelangelo. They looked a little different than us, shorter, no clothes besides leather obi’s, knee and elbow pads. Younger versions with their Master splinter still alive, same dynamic though, with Leonardo still as leader. Their Donnie was brilliant; making miraculous things with trash, a very resourceful terrapin in deed. He had made a battle shell, a shell sub and a sewer slider, plus others. Anyways, naturally they were rather distressed seeing my tall ass drop in on them in their home unannounced. After a few hours of telling them my story, and talking about my own brothers and their similarities, Donnie and his brothers agreed to help me get home.  As you can see it took longer than we thought it would, finding the right components and a power source had proved more challenging than anticipated. Then finding the right coordinates proved another hurdle to overcome. I got here on accident so it was trial and error until I saw you the other day through the portal. It was the most glorious sight I had ever seen but the power course failed under the strain, which is why I couldn’t come through. We needed to reinforce it to support the transdimensional pull from the other dimensions trying to break through.  After we fixed that problem and your face appeared clear as day on the other side I knew we had gotten it right.”

 She looked at him absentmindedly running her palms over his exposed biceps, another dimension with more mutant turtle brothers? How many more she wondered quickly before shaking herself from the thought. “Did they have their own Bishop?”

 “Yes, actually they do, and strangely enough as Donnie and I were working one night he confessed his own trip to another dimension or terrible future, he wasn’t sure. It was around our timeline and age; I guess their Donnie had disappeared without a trace as well. Mikey had lost an arm, Raph his eye and Leo his entire eye sight. Casey had passed and the villain was shredder. He had enslaved the entire world killing master Splinter in the process which threw a massive wedge between Leo and Raphael, a very violent wedge that kept them apart for years.”

 “Fuck….I…”

 “There’s more…… they managed to defeat Shredder with Donnie’s help but Leo, Raph and Mikey perished in the fight. It happened years ago and it still gives him nightmares. It would me too, watching my brothers die right in front of me. I don’t think I’d ever recover.” Wiping away a stray tear Donatello gripped her body tighter remembering she had to witness them all ripped from her.  “All these years you had no idea what happened to me and then you lose the rest of them. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I couldn’t get back sooner. I promise we’ll get them back.”

 She could see the anxiety rise in the genius as he began to process everything. How similar the scenarios were for both worlds and after everything he was still without most of his family. “Deep breaths Donnie, I need you level headed when we head back to base. I know we’ll get them back now that you’re back home. There’s a lot of work to be done and April and Casey are gonna be over the moon to see you. I’m so happy to see you.”

 She was about to remover herself from his lap when she felt the head of his cock nudge against her entrance and soon found herself stuffed full of her genius once again. Donnie took Aurora two more times before he relinquished his hold on her and allowed her to dress.

 Pulling her back into his embrace after watching Aurora tie her katana back to her hip Don pressed a few open mouthed kisses to her throat. “I’m sorry, I have four years of pent up need for you to work through. You’re not going to walk right for a week after I’ve had my fill.”

 His voice dropped at the delicious threat making her shiver at his continued advances and lean into his plastron. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

 The run back to base was pleasant with Donatello right by her side. His long legs made him naturally faster which pushed her harder to keep up with the lanky turtle but the occasionally view of his perfectly round cheeks wasn’t a bad thing either. She couldn’t wait to sink her teeth into them later tonight.

 “White skull to base.” Aurora called into her com as they moved to the final block of their trek home.

 “This is base, please go ahead White Skull.”

 “Will you tell The Curator and Meathead that I’m bring home a present.”

 “Will do, ETA?”

 “Five minutes.”

 “See you then.”

 Donnie slowed down looking at his kunoichi. “You’re not gonna tell them I’m coming?”

 “I wanna see their faces when they lay eyes on you. I wanna keep that memory forever and put it with the same one we’ll get when your brothers return home.”

 @imthegreenfairy88​ @ravn-87​ @alonia143​ @tmntspidergirl​ @blossom-skies​

#tmnt #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michaelangelo #the forgotten #part six #return on the nerd #aurora-the-kunoichi #self indulgent bullshit

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[migleefulmoments]

Abb/y has something to s/ay

Let me premise this by reminding everyone that Abby -like Trump-doesn’t “get” comedy. They literally do not understand jokes, punchlines, or humor. So a satirical show about the Hollywood song writers falls flat. Her time away did nothing to sway her conspiratorial aspirations or her misogynistic hatred of Mia. She watched Royalties not once, but twice... not to enjoy Darren’s creativity and performance, not to support the celebrity she stans, and not even to crack up at the humor, no she watched twice because she was looking for confirmation bias. She wanted to document all of the ways Darren wrote his CrissColfer truth into Pierce’s life and she obsessively listened to all of the diss-tracks he wrote to attack his wife.  

Let me also premise this by saying I loved the show. I thought it was funny and the songs are so damn catchy.  The lyrics are quintessential Darren- funny, very clever, and raunchy.  

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R/oyalties, the Tale of Two Shows with a Heaping Side of Meta

ajw720. So I just finished watching R/oyalties for the second time, this time solely focused on the meta.  Look, we all know, the show is not good, it was not well written and the short format didn’t help as there was no option to develop character or plot.  But D knew it would not be good, he apologized for it back in January 2019.  And I think the effort he put into acting was the effort it deserved. Ok.

But his songs were genius.  As were the videos, hence why i call it the tale of two shows.  It truly was like watching content made by completely different people. I concur with MH, D is “intensely talented.”  And the part of this show he poured his blood, sweat, and tears into, the songs, are evident of this.

But this is a post about that Heaping Side of Meta. I think D, knowing that that show would not be made in the manner he envisioned, instead used it as a vehicle to make some bold statements and parallels with his career and public life.  Shall we begin?  And please, unlike the perfect song, this is not a perfect post and after the second round of watching i canceled my Quibi subscription and never plan to look back, so please feel free to add. I know some of these have been pointed out but I thought it was valuable to have one post.

One idea to inpsire the song?  A tiny FROG on a dime.

D’s shirt 1st seen in Episode 2: “It is hard to soar like an Eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys”

And of course “Call me Goldilocks bitch”  Remind you of something?

How about the entirety of Episode 3 when we are told that an artist is completely the product of the team.  That no matter what the artists expresses they want, it doesn’t matter because the Label/manager/publicist/on camera agent/legal will always have a say. And how it will play in America or the Foreign market are key metrics of how the product is produced and presented.  I love the line of the songwriter that tells P/ierce and S/ara to “get out while they are young.”  Or the line by one of her team “we don’t want something different, we want something the same that is different.”  And in the end P&S simply took one of KK old songs and reworked it, making something different that is not different and her team loved it.  

And of course, the line that was an utter slap in the face to the most over praised “director” of an indie band video ever when D reminds her of the real director in his life, the man set to direct major motion pictures, “you know who would be perfect to direct? C/hris.  C/hris would shatter this.”

Not much in Episode 4, but the gorilla suit in my opinion was mocking of a certain MMR video where we watched Swiller and a banana in a song about a gorilla.  Images I never need to see in my head again.

Episode 5, a gem, I am still so fucking proud of D and how he mocked her throughout the entirety of the episode.  New lines I love of that amazing song he wrote about her (in addition to those i posted previously here) “Some people say I’m a  genius, which comes from the greek word for Latin, and other people will say, alright in fact i’m a fuckin’s genius” “I’m not saying I’m a god, but I’m not saying I’m not a god.”  Mocking at its finest made all that much better by the band’s name “Switchback Jacket” that D describes as “butt rock emo” that is performed by a band that doesn’t actually sing, they are just the public image.  He literally told us that what we see is an image created for the public and that it is completely fake.  And he used his beard to make this statement. Just brilliant.  I cannot praise him enough for this, stealing her moment in the sun and making her look like an utter fool, telling us just how narcissistic she is.

Also some wonderful lines from that episode that are beyond telling:

“Power, it felt good to remind Kevin that I hold power over him. You always want to be the one with power”

“p/ierce wouldn’t know where to take a shit if I didn’t tell him.”

“she is like my wife except we don’t have sex and we are friends.”

“alright boss, I am ready to record that song, but where should i take a shit?”

“You will do anything to succeed.”

Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years.  3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years.  It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal.  But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on:

And the cherry on top of this episode, the inclusion of C/huck (for some background, see my post here).

I really like the one bit of dialogue between P&S, where D pretty much tells us once again that M will use anyone to get what she wants:

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe just maybe, I don’t like where we are now? There were a lot of really great things about the way things were.  Things that are worth preserving.  Not that you just take and use and through out.”

Episode 9 had some really impactful lines:

“you think i wouldn’t steal for my career? You think I wouldn’t lie?  I would do anything.”

The Neils being the nameless individuals, nothing more than a number, who are the ones who actually create the product.  And then the song, some of the translations are D telling you how he feels, because sometimes i think in terms of his public image he is just a Neil trying to escape the cage that has been built around him:

“I dream about getting away, I have been locked up in this cage wishing i could make my escape. I hate that I need you.”

And finally Episode 10, where we learn the Neils get no credit and no royalties. This reminds me of a script C wrote that never saw the light of day but suddenly the next season of AHS had the same theme as his script.

And that is all i got, if you have more please add. I think the fact that D took what he knew would be a mediocre project and projected his voice and story throughout it was pretty genius and a smart way to utilize this vehicle, that was clearly payout for so many that have used him for years and to shine a bright light on the truth.

elicc  The “perfect song”’s performer is called Bailey Rouge, a clear link to TLOS.

He is a genius.

ajw720   @elicc damn, that was on my list and I forgot. And we all know who Red is inspired by, so seems fitting Bailey Rouge would get the perfect song.

ajw720. Just adding one more I thought about putting in my original post but admittedly think it’s a stretch. But maybe not? Just adding here for fun.

When Theo tells P to bottle up all his romantic feelings I couldn’t help but think of a certain chapter in a book

*******************************************

Oy Vei! Abby didn’t use her time away getting any therapy or perspective.  She hasn’t learned any lessons. I have no doubt she’s been reading just as much as she did before and she’s speaking to Cassie, Flowers et al all day. It’s really sad. It’s sad that she can’t see how silly she sounds, what an asshole her version of Darren is. If she could restrain herself even a little bit it might come off less unhinged because turning every single moment of Royalties into some crisscolfer wet dream reeks of desperation. 

Abby hates Royalties. In last week’s “Dear D” she had the audacity to say 

....Fans that are beyond devoted and mainly because of the way you have treated fans with respect and a level of caring that far surpasses the majority of public figures.  And while I am not enjoying the show itself, the music shows how diverse you are as a writer and how you can virtually write for anyone or any genre. The songs are fantastic.  Memorable.  And really fun.  

She knows the the Langs wrote the show and Darren wrote the songs but what she can’t seem to comprehend is that Darren IS Royalties. Everything in the show is Darren’s.  

Staying in the closet would be less painful than trying to express oneself through a short-form satirical comedy.  Can you imagine trying to express your devastation and pain through Kick Your Shoes off or Break It In? 

“I’m the king of the hard fuck....pile drive the bed like a young buck...if you like feathery shit thats pretty cool but I don’t need that...people say I fuck too soft, saying that I can’t please a woman” 

BTW Abby- “call me goldilocks bitch” isn’t a reference to TLOS it’s a reference to Goldilocks and Three Bears because because he fucks perfect, not too soft, not too hard. It’s much more believable that he is referring to a random nursery rhyme than it is to believe he is referring to a children’s book his lover/husband/boyfriend wrote 8 years ago. You might love the book but Chris has moved on and written new things. 

Darren wrote funny lyrics. I loved Kick Your Shoes Off because it’s written by a man whose watched his wife and female friends wear painful shoes for the same of fashion even though its painful as fuck.   

“Yeah, I’m a bad bitch so don’t be mad bitch. I turned the room into a catwalk like a sad bitch. I can’t feel my toes in these stilettos. when I walk out my roomate says you’ll regret those....Beauty is pain but oh I look amazing.  You won’t hear me complaining but oh my instep (inside?) is screaming...kick your shoes off (kick em off) ooooooo I do what I want..(Kick em off) ooooo Hey I can’t walk in these, blisters start to bleed now both my feet are swollen. Kick your shoes off (Kick em off).....It’s like i feel so good when my shoes are on, but like i also feel sooooo good when they are off” 

Abby’s convinced I am So Much Better Than You is straight up about Mia because Mia is in the video. She listened to it on repeat the day after it came out. In her “Letter to D” last week she said 

Especially after you made an effort to mock her for the entirety of Tuesday when her episode aired (and for the record I am still really, really proud of what you did with that episode and how you handled the roll out, that is the fighter I admire and that inspires me.  I listened to I am so much better than you on repeat on my drive home from work yesterday).   

Good Lord  The lyrics are as silly as all the other songs: “My mirror wants to bone me (but it can’t because it’s a mirror)” How did Abby miss the obvious TLOS mirror/ Halloween costume reference here?  

“You keep doing push ups while I get buff eating mac and cheese (with overpriced lobster and truffles because I’m worth it)”  

“Some people say I’m a genius (which comes from the greek work for latin) Some other people will say yeah I’m right I’m a fucking genius (I’m not saying I’m a god but I’m not saying I’m not a god). 

“And even when you sneeze, God blesses me, he blesses me. And even when you sneeze, god blesses me, he blesses me, he blesses me”

“I’m am so much better than you at everything”. 

She believes Darren would be- and stay- married to a women that he publicly ridicules and attacks. I don’t get why she thinks that is something admirable . 

She thinks Also You is referring to Ben living with them.  Where to start with this one? She says

“Episode 8 starring “Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild” an episode used to shine a light on how absurd it is that people believe D&PBB lived with platonic roomie B/enny for something like 4 years.  3 grown ass adults, all of whom have money to spare lived together in a relatively small house for four years.  It is pure comedy that anyone would believe that this is normal.  But hey these are the same people that explained away the infamous arm around her while at an awards show with D looking on”

I’m gobsmacked.  Also You is about Polyamory. She doesn’t even understand her own theories if she thinks that is the message Darren wants to share about Mia and Ben.  In no world would someone try to proclaim their wife was cheating on them with a live-in houseguest by writing an episode called Poly Amorous and the Unicorn Guild.  Also, someone needs to explain cuckholding to her because her theories about Ben and Mia make Darren a cuck.  

OMG I just realized that Darren is a cuck and Royalties proves it.  He hired Kether to be his costar in Royalties,...Kether is in You’re the Worst as Lindsay.  Lindsay cuckholds her husband. Bam! mic drop.   

Why isn’t Perfect Song about Mia, you know, if we are playing confirmation bias “No one is as good as you because you're my perfect song” 

#CrissColfer #Darren Criss #Abby Speaks

[calpalirwin]

Endless Endings

Summary: Calum goes home for a funeral. He isn’t prepared for the feelings and memories that come with it.

A/N: I was watching This Is Us and Kevin and Sophie’s relationship gave me the feels (I will fix the formatting/add this to my masterlist in the morning, I just want to get this up cuz I’m excited!) Italics are flashbacks/memories

Content: Darker than my usual stuff

Word Count: 1.9K

And away, and away we go!

~~~

When he saw the caller ID, he was answering it before his ringtone could even kick in. “Zo? Hey, how’s everything?” Calum talked into the phone.

“Hey, Cal,” was the tearful reply.

“Zo, what happened?”

“She died, Cal. My mom. She’s gone.”

The phone clattered to the floor. Calum’s head felt like it was underwater, the worried voices of his bandmates sounding muddled as they tried to reach him. No. Claire Harper couldn’t be dead. Zoey!

His brain snapped back into enough focus for him up the phone, ignoring the jagged crack in the screen. “Hey, I got one for you,” his voice was telling her, his ears still ringing.

“What?” she asked, holding back the next sob.

“He starts an apple cider company. Calls it ‘How do you like them apples?’.”

Her laugh wasn’t the laugh he remembered. It was choked. “Thank you, Cal.”

“Anytime, Zo.”

The voices around him were still muddled as he hung up the phone. “Zo? Zoey Harper? From home? Cal, is she okay?”

“I gotta go home,” was all Calum replied with before walking out of the studio.

~~~

“Hey!” the girl scolded the boy and his stirred up cloud of sand from his jump off the swingset.

“Sorry!” the boy grinned, showing off a missing tooth.

“Watch it,” she continued to growl.

“I said I was sorry!” he told her, crossing his arms, his smile disappearing.

“Ooo!” another boy snickered. “Cal likes Zoey! Cal likes Zoey! Cal and Zoey, sitting in a tree!”

“Shut up!” they both shouted at the other boy before they looked at each other and shared a look of disgust complete with a “Yuck!” and fake gagging.

Calum smiled to himself as he stared out the plane window. It was amazing how easily the memories came back to him. A lifetime of him and Zoey Harper- his first, and only love.

~~~

“And now, Claire’s daughter would like to say a few words,” the pastor said and a young blonde in a sleek black dress moved to the podium.

Her striking green eyes were red around the edges as they scanned the room. A small smile curved on her lips when green met brown. “My mother and I didn’t always see eye to eye. Maybe that’s not something I should say at her funeral, but it’s the truth. She was reckless in everything she did. And as much as it drove me nuts, it also encouraged me to take my own risks. And, uh…” Zoey paused to collect her thoughts, and in the back, Calum let his run wild.

“Oh, Cal, that’s great!” Claire cheered, wrapping him tightly in a hug. “Isn’t that great, Zo? London! Wow!”

“Yeah, great,” Zoey forced a smile. She wanted to be happy for Calum and his band. But how could she when her boyfriend was dropping a bomb like dropping out of school and moving to fucking London?

“Zo,” both Calum and Claire said, frowning.

Zoey scraped her chair back, striding out of the room.

“Zo!” Calum called after her.

“I need a minute!” she yelled and the slamming door rattled the windows.

Calum sighed, letting her go, figuring he might as well start practicing now.

“Hey,” Claire said, reaching across the table to grip his hands in hers. “Don’t let the fear of what’s to come diminish the greatness of this moment, Cal. Allow yourself to be happy in the most unfiltered way. Shout your joy from the rooftops. You boys have worked hard. This is your moment. Never settle.”

“‘Great things happen when you chase after what you want.’ It was like her catchphrase. It’s what she told me when I finally moved to New York and got that dream apartment. She came to visit and we went out for coffee. This real small hole-in-the-wall place. We would always go when she came out or I would send her a bag of their home roast. I was actually… I was in that shop trying to buy a bag. I was giving the clerk hell for not having their home roast. Funny how quickly priorities change with a phone call. God, I owe that clerk an apology,” Zoey’s voice broke off in a small giggle. “I’m gonna miss you, Mom.”

~~~

The bell on the door jangled as he walked in the doughnut shop.

Calum’s laugh rang out around them as she swallowed her bite. “What?” she asked, self-consciously. “Do I have something on my face?”

He continued to snicker in his hand, “Geez, Zo, it’s everywhere!”

“Have you seen your own face?”

“What are you talking about? I do- Zo!” he gasped as her finger swiped the chocolate frosting off his doughnut and smeared it across his cheek.

“Hah!” she laughed at him. Then she was squealing as he rubbed his cheek against her face, creating a powdered sugar chocolatey mess, their giggles filling the small shop. “You’re crazy,” she told him, her cheeks pink with laughter.

“Crazy in love with you,” he replied, pecking her lips with his.

“And I’m just as crazy,” she smiled against his lips.

“What can I get for you, today, sir?” the teenager behind the counter asked.

“One powdered and one chocolate, please,” Calum said. “Actually, two chocolate, please,” he amended as his stomach growled.

~~~

She had a forced smile on her face as she was engaged in a conversation with someone, her eyes begging to be rescued. Calum leaned against the car, not wanting to go inside, feeling so out of place outside somewhere he once considered a home. He dug his phone out of his pocket, watching her as the line rang on his end. Her eyes glanced down at the phone in her own hand, her smile becoming a little more genuine as she answered. “Hey, Cal.” Her voice was heavy and Calum knew instantly that Zoey hadn’t been sleeping for God knows how long.

“Hey. So I was driving and I passed by that doughnut shop we used to frequent. And uh… well, I got one with your name on it. I’m out front.”

Her eyes glanced up and locked on him through the window. She put a hand over the speaker and excused herself from her conversation, walking out of Calum’s view. “Get me out of here,” her voice was saying and then she was in front of him, grabbing the doughnut back from him and sliding into the passenger seat.

~~~

“Hey, I got one for ya,” she said, breaking the silence as they ate their doughnuts, powdered sugar coating her mouth and dress.

“Shoot.”

“He goes to Alaska to become a fisherman in an isolated village and never talks to another soul.”

“Damn, that’s dark,” Calum giggled, handing her a napkin. “Seriously, do you even aim for your mouth when you eat?”

She giggled with him as she dusted off her lap. The giggle turned into a sigh. “I can’t believe you came. I feel like I’m underwater. Like my body is on auto-pilot, while my brain is a million miles away. Seeing you again, well, it grounded me. You’re the only one who gets it Cal. You’re the only one I can let my guard down with.”

“Isn’t that what your fiancé’s for?” he asked with a pointed glance to the ring on her finger.

“He didn’t know her like you did. And now he never will.” Her eyes stared out the window. “Oh, wow,” she breathed, realizing where they were. “I haven’t been here in forever.”

“Me neither,” he admitted, putting the car in park. “Every time I come home, I can never bring myself to come here. I had my best and worst night of my life here.”

“On the same fuckin night,” she recalled.

“On the same fuckin night,” he agreed.

Every summer the park held a Movies in the Park night, showing everything from old-time classics to current blockbusters. Neither of them had seen Good Will Hunting, but had always wanted to. So there they sat, curled up under a blanket and the stars, eyes glued to the large projector screen.

“Aw!” the audience let out a collective groan as the projector sputtered and the screen went black.

“Sorry about this folks! Please help yourself to the concession stand we have set up, free of charge, and we’ll try to get this up and running again shortly,” a volunteer announced.

Calum and Zoey turned to each other, sharing a grin. “Free snacks!” they shouted in each other’s faces before scrambling to snag free popcorn.

“Hmm, looks like they fixed it,” Calum said as they swung side by side. “Should we go back?”

“Nah,” Zoey replied with a shake of her head. “Where it stopped was actually perfect. No ending could be better than that.”

“We could make up our own,” Calum suggested.

“We could!” she exclaimed, loving the idea. “Promise me we’ll never watch the real ending.”

“Promise,” he swore.

So back and forth they went, creating their own endings, long after the real movie had ended and long after the popcorn disappeared. They would have stayed all night and into the morning had it not been for Mali striding towards them, tears running down her face.

“Mali?” Calum asked, his voice laced with worry as his sister looked about a millisecond away from a breakdown. “Mali, what’s wrong?!”

In the dim lighting from a nearby streetlamp, Zoey could see the darkening of his already dark eyes and the clench of his fists as worry gave way to anger that someone had hurt his sister. “Dad’s gone, Cal,” was the broken answer. “Him and Mum got in another fight and he’s… he’s gone!” With the confession off her lips, the older sibling collapsed into the younger one’s arms as they both began to sob over their parents’ broken marriage.

~~~

“Did you ever watch the ending?” she asked as they swung side by side.

Calum shook his head. “Nah. That was probably the only thing I ever did right.”

“Cal, don’t say that…”

“It’s the truth. I had everything that night and then I lost it all before sunrise.”

“Cal, you didn’t lose anything. Yes, your parents split and I know how hard that was for you. But you weren’t running away. You went off to London because you chased a dream. A dream that paid off rather fuckin’ well, by the way.”

“And you?”

“You didn’t lose me either Cal. We just weren’t meant to be.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love a girl the way I loved you…”

“Then love her differently. Love her better.”

“Are you happy? With the endings we created?”

“Are you?” she challenged, knowing he didn’t mean the movie.

He chuckled and pulled out his phone. “Wanna see the real ending?”

“Sure.”

They sat, side by side, the warm sun on their faces, and watched the ending of a movie they swore never to watch the ending of. And it was better than all the endings they could have ever imagined on their own. But still, they both felt a finality to it all, and when Calum dropped her off back home, he wondered if he was better off with his endless imagined endings than the real one.

~~~

Tag List

@goeatsomelife @flameraine @cashtonasff5sos @here-for-the-uproars @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @baldcalum @sparkling-chaos @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession

#endless endings #calum hood #calum hood fic #5sos #galcal irwin

[foxtophat]

in today’s update, nick and kim discuss why they shouldn’t kill the guy who probably deserves a righteous death-by-asskicking.  nick is sort of an over-thinker, which usually puts him in tailspins, but thankfully kim and him have worked out a balance that keeps both of them afloat.

anyway, uh, there’s another chapter that could technically be added to this one but damn it i want to keep an update schedule for at least a few weeks lol. i’m still trying to figure out kim’s voice, a lot of the time i write her and end up pulling a softer fo5 marcy, which is... not accurate at all. so i’m working on her! also, i can’t write children too well so carmina tends to be like “fuck this i’m goin hunting” so oooo that should work out for me.

i hope you enjoy, please consider reblogging if you do!  the full text of the chapter is below the cut, in case you don’t wanna go off-site.  (yo, if you see a mistake please let me know, i’m pushing this update out before a bunch of errands so i might’ve messed up the formatting or a word or something)

Nick dreads every step he takes back down to the kitchen, but they only have a little while before Grace brings Carmina back. They need to make a plan before then — even if they're not going to kill John Seed, they're going to have to do something with him.

Kim is in the kitchen, taking her anger out on the vegetables she's picked. Nick can imagine his neck snapping as easily as the wimpy little carrots do, swallowing as he steels himself for the hard choices about to come. He'd sworn up and down that he was going to live a simple life from here on out, and yet here he is, bringing trouble in with him like a stray goddamn cat. Not even considering the safety of his family, or the feelings of his wife — or his friends , because what is Grace gonna say about all this? They have to tell her, right? And what about Jerome? Not to mention the other survivors. God — the list of people he's betraying grows by the second!

"Carmina will be back soon," Kim says, breaking another carrot into quarters. "We need to deal with John before then."

Despite her hostile tone, Nick doesn't think she means kill the guy. He hopes she doesn't. Nick will do it , of course — he can't expect Kim to clean up his mess — but he can barely stomach the guilt thinking about it. God, what if she tells him to do it? The man wouldn't even be able to fight back. Nick's never had to kill someone who couldn't fight back .

"Hey," Kim calls out, soft but firm enough to shake him out of his thoughts. "It's going to be okay."

"Yeah, I know," Nick replies, the words spilling out. "Just — I really messed up, Kim, what the hell was I thinking? I saw him lying there, I had my gun in his face and I decided to put us all in danger, because why ? Because I felt sorry for him? I should've done something differently. I should've..."

Kim has this way of smiling that never fails to pull Nick out of even the worst thought spiral. She uses it on him now, tiny crows-feet crinkling beside her eyes as she comes around from the kitchen. "There are a lot of things we could have done differently," she says gently. "We spent six years in a bunker learning that lesson. Six years un learning all of the bullshit the cult forced on us." She reaches him, taking one of his hands up in both of hers. If there's an easy solution she can see that Nick can't, she doesn't tell him; she only sighs and admits, "I don't blame you. I don't know if I could have done it, either."

"Well, at least I know I'm not the only one who's gone soft." Nick looks back towards the stairs, as if John might somehow crawl out of the spare room and demand they hand over the house. "The question is, what do we do now that we got him here?"

"Well..." Kim's shoulders slump with a resigned sigh, as she also turns to look up the stairs. "I mean, there aren't a lot of options that don't end with us shooting him. It's not like there's a court to try him in, or anyone left to hold him accountable."

Nick shrugs. "Maybe that was the plan? Maybe he thought he could outlive the consequences of his bullshit."

"I'm definitely in favor of shooting him if that's the case. I'm surprised he outfoxed the deputy, much less that he survived for this long."

"I don't think I'd call whatever he's been doing surviving ." Nick gestures up the stairs. "You saw the guy. All I know is that I found him next to an open bunker that smelled like a mass grave. I mean, Dep... Dep said they put him down. They wouldn't have left him alive somewhere. Right?"

"They never were big on murder," Kim points out. "Or revenge."

"God, if they fuckin' stashed him away after everything he did..." Nick exhales heavily; he's getting too worked up about a hypothetical situation. "I guess it doesn't matter. They couldn't've known what was gonna happen." No matter how often Joseph or his fucked up family would tell them otherwise, the Deputy had never been big on religious zealotry, and the concept of the end of the world had seemed impossible to them at the time. They hadn't been a fan of killing the Seeds outright, not if they could be brought to justice, but they had never been given the chance. Well, that's what Nick thought, anyway. Now, he's not so sure that Rook didn't play some key decisions too close to their chest.

"Okay, okay," Kim cuts through his thoughts, "Let's just focus on the information we have for now."

"Easy for you to say," he sighs. But, she's right, of course she is, so Nick sighs again and shakes his head to clear away the random what-ifs he's been conjuring up. "Okay, so — the facts. Right."

"You said you found him in a bunker?" Kim prompts.

"Near a bunker. He'd made a... I mean, it wasn't a camp . But he was living topside for at least a couple days. My bet is he crawled in there after the plane went down."

"He must have run out of food at some point and had to come up," Kim suggests.

"Yeah, for all the good that did him. Though I guess it might be better starving to death topside instead of pre-buried."

"Maybe if we're lucky, he'll starve before we get around to feeding him," Kim sighs, although she sounds too resigned to be hopeful of an easy outcome. "Although it'd be hard to explain to Carmina and Grace why we're burning a corpse..."

"Oh, man," Nick groans. "What do we tell Grace? And what are we gonna do about Carmina? She can't go anywhere near that psychopath. Even if he's too weak to hurt her, I don't want him giving her... weird ideas or something."

Kim hesitates. "Grace won't be forgiving. If we tell her, she won't consider another option."

Nick hates the idea, but not enough to keep from considering it. Grace wouldn't hesitate; she would do what needs doing and she would only wonder why it took her coming along for it to happen. And if they don't tell her, they won't just be keeping John a prisoner — they'll be harboring him from the justice he deserves. They'll have to keep him hidden from everybody, even strangers. The alternative would be to put the burden on somebody who doesn't deserve it.

"I don't think I've got the guts," Nick admits shamefully. "I feel sick just thinking about it."

He hopes that Kim has a stronger stomach than him, but she only sighs and nods. "I'm not sure it's the right choice. I'm not even sure there is a right choice. But — for the sake of fairness, he should at least be able to defend himself."

"We've gone soft," Nick chuckles. "Back in the day, we'd have busted his teeth in just for surviving."

Kim gives him this look, like maybe she's always seen him as soft, but he doesn't mind it coming from her. "So," she asks, "What do we do with him once he's well enough to be a problem?"

"Hopefully, he does something to inspire some righteous, old-world justice before then."

"Considering his track record, I won't rule that out. But... Ugh. I don't even want to say it." Kim rubs her face with both hands, pacing in a small circle. "Eight years is a long time to plan in. He could have any number of... of plots, or hidden caches, who knows what? If we don't kill him, there's a real chance that he might use our kindness against us." Kim's frown is heavy enough to pull her whole face into it as she turns back to Nick. "It wouldn't be the first time."

"We'll keep him in the nursery. He'll be under lock and key, 24-7, until we can figure out what his deal is. If he turns out to be plotting some kind of second cult uprising or, I dunno... resurrecting Joseph from the grave, we'll put him out of everyone's misery. Which, let's face it, is the most likely outcome."

"And if he doesn't? How long can we keep him prisoner up there? I mean, Nick... our food supply isn't exactly stable, and he's another mouth to feed on wimpy carrots and mushy turnips. Summer's almost over, and last winter was hard enough without four of us."

Nick chews his lip. Looks back towards the stairs, wondering whether John can hear what they're saying, if he's cognizant enough to understand the position they're putting themselves in on his dumb behalf. "And then there's all the stuff we gotta get done before then," he sighs, thinking of the myriad chores and home improvement projects he's put off in order to focus on basic survival. "Hell, I don't know, Kim. Maybe we can put him to work when he's able to stand upright. Give him all the jobs Carmina's too young to do yet."

"We do need somebody to dig this house out of the dirt," Kim suggests. She's mostly joking, even though it's extremely true — they haven't had time, energy or interest enough to do more than a cursory sweep to clear the stairs. "And you've been talking about fixing up the hangar again..."

"All manual labor that I can oversee with a rifle," Nick says. "John owes us — seems only right that we take what we need."

"Assuming he'll cooperate."

"He's not going to have much of a choice."

Kim frowns. "If he doesn't, are you sure you can handle making him?"

Nick should probably be offended, but she's right to ask. Truthfully, Nick's not sure he can be intimidating enough to sway John into listening to him. The guy is a fucking maniac, after all — other than pain and revenge, there's not much that gets him up and moving. Nick doesn't have an ace up his sleeve that can outdo the Cult. That doesn't mean he's not gonna try — it just means he's going to have to try harder than John deserves.

"I'm gonna have to be. Look, after Carmina gets back, I'll take up some food and see if he's willing to talk. We'll just... go from there."

"You've always been good at improvising," Kim hums. She's got a smile on her face that Nick's never seen before, something sad lingering in her eyes as she gives him a curious look over. "I love you, you know," she tells him, as if she hasn't said it a dozen times this week alone.

"I love you too," he replies. "And I'm sorry I brought this on us. I'll make it right."

" He'll make it right," Kim says. "Or we'll shoot him."

Nick laughs. "Yeah, or we'll shoot him," he repeats, pulling Kim in for a long, tight hug. Nick's not sure if it's old age or being a father that's softened him so much, but he's sure it hasn't softened him enough to keep him from doing whatever might need to be done. All he can do is hope that John won't put that to the test.

#far cry 5 #fc5 #fcnd #far cry new dawn #john seed #nick rye #kim rye #far cry fanfic #my fic

[cruellae]

Sephiroth Week, Day 7

Last day! This was so much fun~ thank you to the organizers and all the other awesome people who participated.

Each of my Sephiroth Week entries are fragments of a love story told in 7 parts. As such, it’s a good idea to read all of them in order. You can find them [here on AO3].

Day 1 - Innocence

Day 2 - Wish

Day 3 - Fate

Day 4 - Haunted (Free Day)

Day 5 - Shapeshifter

Day 6 - Darkness

Day 7 - Remake

Cloud hesitates just inside the doorway to his kitchen, startled and wary. 

There is a gift sitting on his kitchen table. It’s small and rectangular, wrapped in white paper and tied with a black ribbon. 

He wonders how whoever it was got into his house, and why they left the gift instead of giving it in person. He wonders if it’s a trap, and if he should really open it. 

But eventually his curiosity wins out, and he approaches the package.

As soon as he touches the ribbon he can feel its magical potency. It’s a rare sort of trinket, the type he’s only seen twice before. Enchanted with a protective magic, it will keep him from being poisoned, petrified, or hit with any other nasty status effect. 

He ties it around his wrist in case the box itself is designed to inflict any such thing. Just in case. 

The box is made of simple polished rosewood, and inside…

His breath catches. They’re so beautiful. Three orbs of rare materia, with the shine that tells him they’re completely mastered. 

There’s no note, and nothing at all that might identify the sender. 

He wonders and worries about it--who could it be and what do they want--but that doesn’t stop him from using the materia. 

#

The next gift comes almost a month later, and he pauses in his doorway, taking in the sight of the large sword sitting on his kitchen table. 

He approaches the sword, his mouth slightly open. Even without touching it he can tell it’s the finest he’s ever laid eyes on. When he picks it up, the balance is perfect, like it was made for him. 

He wishes he knew who was behind it and where it came from. It’s a little weird for a sword to just appear in his apartment, but that doesn’t stop him from using it. 

Yuffie calls it the Ultima Weapon. ”Because it’s so ultimate, Cloud!” 

It’s as good a name as any for the best blade he’s ever wielded. 

# 

The third gift is almost certainly a trap. 

It’s a key, sitting on the table, gleaming silver in the light. Beside it is a map leading to somewhere in the hills just beyond Kalm. 

Weird.

But Cloud follows the trail anyway. 

It leads him off the beaten path and down a dirt road towards a corral where a young man is guiding a chocobo through the dust, clucking softly. 

The man hops the fence between them as Cloud slows his bike and looks him up and down appraisingly. “You gotta be Cloud Strife or my name’s not Chocobo Billy,” he says. 

Cloud nods cautiously. “That’s me.” 

“Howdy.” Billy holds out his hand for Cloud to shake. “Welcome home, sir.” 

Cloud stares at him in stunned silence as Billy explains that this ranch is a gift from a mysterious benefactor. “It’s yours, free and clear,” Billy says. “I’m here to help ya out, gettin it started, keepin it runnin.” 

“Uh-huh…” Cloud says. This is going to take a while to process. 

He would think Sephiroth is behind all of this, but Sephiroth is dead, gone for good this time. He has the Masamune to prove it, hidden away in his storage closet for the last year. It’s buried under a lot of junk because he doesn’t like to look at it. It makes him feel a lot of things he’d really rather ignore. 

Billy won’t say one word about who bought the ranch or hired him. Cloud gives up trying. 

He keeps the ranch, though. 

#

AVALANCHE is celebrating. President Shinra is dead, assassinated in his own office, and while Barret is upset that he didn’t get to do it himself, the entire team is in pretty high spirits. 

They all get drunk and Cloud, slightly tipsy, leaves them to it. He wants to be home at his ranch, with his chocobos and the quiet he’s gotten used to. After spending time there, Midgar seems loud and dirty, crammed with people. 

But for tonight, he’ll settle for crashing at his apartment in Sector 6. 

He steps through the door and freezes, staring at the gift that has been left on his table. 

Golden cufflinks, stamped with the Shinra logo and splattered with blood. 

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who they belonged to.

He runs into the next room and yanks open the door to the storage closet, jerking aside the junk piled in there and letting it carelessly fall to the floor. 

It’s gone. The Masamune is gone. 

He stares for a long time into the empty space the sword used to occupy, his fists clenched. 

“You bastard,” he whispers. 

#

Rufus Shinra is never unguarded. Since his father’s untimely death, he has spent every moment--sleeping and waking--accompanied by at least three Second Class SOLDIERs and one First Class. 

Sephiroth intends to destroy Shinra as thoroughly as he can, but he would prefer not to slay any of his old comrades. Therefore, Rufus’s assassination must be done strategically and thoughtfully. 

He’s perched on the barrel of Junon cannon, watching the festivities below as Rufus gives a bombastic speech to the assembled crowd, accompanied by utterly terrible brass band music. SOLDIERs and Shinra infantry march in formation, while two First Class SOLDIERs stand just behind Rufus, scanning the crowd for threats. Another is flanking the crowd, keeping watch on who comes and goes. 

None of them have spotted Sephiroth, hidden in shadow above them. But they could, if they knew where to look. The encounter with Jenova restored Sephiroth fully, so that Cloud is no longer the only one who can see him.

With his focus on the scene below, the ridiculous music blaring in his ears, he doesn’t notice the man approaching him until it’s almost too late. He whirls, the Masamune flashing in the golden glow of late afternoon as it comes to rest gently against Cloud Strife’s throat. 

Immediately, he lowers his weapon, his eyes lingering on the face he has missed so dearly. Of course he has been watching Cloud from a distance ever since they parted ways, but it’s different to see him up close, and to be seen in return. 

“I figured you’d be following Rufus,” Cloud says. 

“Shinra is a many-headed beast,” Sephiroth says. “I am only one man. It stands to reason that I will take them out one by one.” 

“You should work with us,” Cloud says. “AVALANCHE, I mean. We’d get more done together.” 

Sephiroth nods. “It would be my pleasure.” 

Cloud studies him, brows drawn together in unhappiness. It makes Sephiroth realize he has never apologized for his moment of weakness--a moment which almost meant Cloud’s death. 

“Jenova was…” He hesitates, wondering how he can possibly explain it. “All of my life, I wished to know what I was and where I came from. To have...a mother. She didn’t control my mind, Cloud. She simply offered me her love. I don’t believe that you should forgive me for what I did in Nibelheim or what I did in the Northern Crater. But know that I deeply regret it.” 

“And leaving me?” Cloud asks, his voice oddly rough. “Are you gonna apologize for that?”

Sephiroth studies him, puzzled. He left for Cloud’s sake, and severed the connection between them because he thought it would be what Cloud wanted. Who could possibly want to be tied to the monstrous spawn of Jenova, a man whose heart held so much hate and anger? Cloud had given himself to Sephiroth because he thought it would stop Sephiroth from doing Jenova’s bidding. It had nothing to do with love or his own desires. 

By leaving, Sephiroth released him from that fool’s bargain. He thought Cloud would be relieved, and maybe even grateful. But instead he looks devastated, like he’s been deeply betrayed. Like Sephiroth has the power to wound him. 

“Gods, this is so fuckin stupid,” Cloud says, running a hand through his hair in agitation. “I...I don’t even know what to say. What’s with the gifts, if you don’t give a fuck about me?” 

“Of course I care about you,” Sephiroth says. How could Cloud doubt it? 

“Then why?” Cloud asks. “I...Shiva, I’ve been such a fuckin idiot. Thinking of you all the time. Missing you like nothing else. And you’ve just been avoiding me.” 

The thought that Cloud might have missed him, that Cloud had been desperate for his presence, makes Sephiroth’s heart ache in his chest. 

“I thought you’d be glad to be rid of me,” he explains. “That you’d be happy you didn’t have to keep your promise.” 

Cloud steps closer, watching him with eyes the blue of the sky over the mountains. “I guess it’s a little much to promise to be yours forever when we’re just starting. How about you ask me on a date?” 

Sephiroth isn’t sure how to respond. He feels like his meager capacity for emotion is overflowing with elation and desire and anxiety. It would be so easy to fuck this up. But if he can do it right...there is the promise of so much more. 

“Your next gift was going to be a very useful piece of armor stolen from Shinra’s secret research lab,” Sephiroth says. “I have it on good authority it’s on the crashed remains of the Gelnika, which happens to be full of very dangerous monsters.” 

Cloud gives him a hint of a smile. “Are you asking me to go monster hunting with you?” 

“Will you?” Sephiroth asks, and holds his breath until Cloud answers him with a kiss. 

#

It may only be their second real date--a fancy restaurant in Midgar where Cloud squinted at the menu and complained about the lack of chicken sticks--but Cloud lets Sephiroth come home with him, to the apartment where Sephiroth has been leaving gifts for the past year. The materia he mastered himself, fighting monsters near Mideel. The sword was a greater challenge--he had to slay one of the WEAPONs released when Shinra attempted to tap the lifestream in Northern Crater. The chocobo ranch took some time to arrange, but when he lingered in the trees near the corrals and watched Cloud riding the birds, he knew it was worth it. 

Now, lying on his back beside Cloud and staring up into the darkness, it’s hard not to be stunned by the sheer good fortune he’s been granted. 

“Stay tonight,” Cloud says, curling up against his side. “Please?” 

“Of course,” Sephiroth says, pressing a kiss to Cloud’s forehead. He reaches for the blankets on the floor beside him, which he had thoughtlessly thrown aside somewhere in between passionate kisses. 

His hand catches on supple leather, inky black in the darkness. He sits up to examine it. “This is my coat,” he says, bemused. 

“Yeah.” Cloud clears his throat and looks away sheepishly. “I guess I sometimes slept with it. Just cause. I kinda missed you.” 

Startled by the admission and the depth of Cloud’s feelings, Sephiroth is quiet for a moment, feeling the familiar texture of the leather beneath his fingers. 

Is this what it’s like to have someone who loves me?

It feels good, warm and sweet with an unexpected depth to it. But also frightening, because he’s not sure he knows how to return it. “I’m not good for you, Cloud,” he says. 

Cloud snorts, sitting up and pressing himself against Sephiroth’s back. “You think I don’t know that? I know who you are. I haven’t forgotten anything.”

“Yet you’re still here.” 

“Yeah. Cause I love you.” Cloud tugs Sephiroth back down onto the bed. “C’mon, it’s getting cold.” 

Sephiroth pulls a blanket over them both. Cloud snuggles against him, his breathing evening out and his limbs relaxing into sleep. 

Sephiroth lays awake, holding both hope and fear in his heart. 

#sephirothweek #sephcloud #sephiroth #sefikura #cloud strife #ffvii fanfic

[tessatechaitea]

The Ray #1

In 1994, I had no idea who Christopher Priest and Howard Porter were so I have no idea why I purchased this comic book.

Although (continuing the thought from the caption which is just me saying, "Fuck the format! I can do what I want!") I was in my early 20s in 1994 so I was probably into that edgy fascination with freaks and body deformity. I hadn't seen Tod Browning's Freaks yet but I'm sure I would have jumped at the chance if I'd known about it. It's the only reason I can figure why I bought a comic book about a character I knew nothing about. Because it looks like he's a hero with a deformed baby leg. I probably picked it up off the shelf and yelled, "Fuckin' A, dude! Look at this ganky bastich!" It was 1994 so obviously I was emulating Lobo in my every day life. Some of you might be thinking, "Ugh! You're so gross and problematic!" But I'm just being honest! I was a young man, masking like crazy in order to hide my vulnerabilities so I wouldn't be crushed by social interactions and existential threats to my psyche. I had to act tough to survive the crazy streets of Santa Clara, California! Back then, Silicon Valley wasn't like it is now! In 1994, hulking techno-nerds were roaming the streets with razor sharp circuit boards looking to cut the genitals off of anybody who criticized the Neo-Geo CD home gaming console. If you looked at them funny, they'd challenge you to a game of Cyberball and you'd better hope you won because they were also obsessed with Mortal Combat and if you lost, the last thing you'd hear would be a bunch of techno-nerds screaming "Finish him!" before you found yourself upside down gagging on the filthy water of an unflushed public toilet. The early nineties were some rough years! Especially when you were into heavy metal! People think grunge and rap killed metal but think about what people thought was "rock and roll" during the early 90s: Warrant's "Cherry Pie" and Extreme's "More Than Words." I mean, Feetal's Gizz! Metal was dead long before grunge and rap came by to fill its grave. Anyway, you could totally be into freaks in the early 90s because the Internet didn't exist so your opinions weren't reaching anybody outside your small circle of friends. All the other people of the world who didn't know you at all didn't have a way to tell you you were a piece of shit because of one single thing that comprised the myriad facts of who you were. Fuck you, Internet! No, no! I'm sorry! Don't be mad at me, Internet! I can't live without you! Also, maybe I just bought this comic book because the cover was shiny and embossed and growing up in Santa Clara was so boring that it made this comic book looked exciting. The issue begins with The Ray battling Brimstone. Remember him from Legends?

Brimstone is as big as Godzilla and he's already killed hundreds of people, judging by the apartment buildings he's smashed.

I don't know who The Ray is or where he's from. What part of the United States of America uses slang like "gaffle," "put my serve on," "zoom this buster," "bone out," "feebs," and "rot." Is this just Christopher Priest trying to mimic youth speak? I would expect this kind of thing from an aging comic book writer like current Neal Adams but Priest was in his early thirties when he wrote this. Maybe The Ray is from another Earth and Priest's theory was that slang words would obviously differ between Earths. But not so much that you couldn't get the gist of what he's saying. Except for "gaffle." I don't know what the fuck he wants to do to Brimstone when he says he's going to gaffle him. I know what I would mean by it but that doesn't seem appropriate in this situation.

Oh wait. The Ray was just writing fan-fiction about himself.

So the Brimstone fight didn't really happen. Or it did happen but The Ray is using it as fodder to write comic books about himself. So he's like Clark Kent writing articles about Superman? At least writing comic book stories about your own adventures isn't unethical. Fucking Clark Kent. What kind of a journalist uses his soap box to simply promote himself? No wait. Journalists fucking suck. I despise journalists for the same reason I despise police officers. If you're just letting your profession go to shit because a bunch of people are abusing their positions of power and not actually doing the public service they're supposed to be doing, you're just as bad as the worst apple in the barrel. There's a reason that whole apple/barrel thing is still a saying even though nobody really associates apples with barrels anymore. Maybe The Ray isn't writing comic books although it seems like the super edgy postmodern take a writer in the 90s would think was fucking mind blowing. We got Kyle Rayner, comic book artist, as the new Green Lantern. Why shouldn't we also get a comic book writer in there as well? Or The Ray might just be writing stories for his college paper which would mean he's just as unethical and terrible as Clark Kent, I suppose. But in an amateurish way. The Ray (whose name is Ray Terrill so it was lucky he got light-based powers) stops trying to write and decides to tell the readers about the last few days. He's a young guy who works at a fast food chicken joint and has just leased his first apartment. It's a piece of shit with some garbage and/or artistic sculpture in the middle of the room but he doesn't have any credit or money so he's stuck with it. I bet there are corpses under the floor boards as well as other things too boring to mention (but which I'll mention anyway) like rats and cockroaches and dried semen stains.

This is Ray's narration of the place which I read after I wrote the previous paragraph. Was I writing comics and named Christopher Priest in 1994?

The Ray spends all day handing out flyers to Clucky Chicken while standing right outside Clucky Chicken. Is that what flyers are for? To remind people about the thing they can totally see right in front of them? I guess they could be coupons. While he's handing out flyers, his super cool cousin Hank stops by to gaffle some swang all up in through him.

This must be Earth-15 where they say things like "Yo trip dat frum, golderboots!" and "Swank on into my PQs, Flub Daddy!"

The Ray is disappointed that he's a man now because responsibility sucks. Kids can't stand curfews and rules but man is it sweet to be able to come and go as you please (within curfew, of course!) while doing whatever the fuck you want and not worrying about money for food or rent. The Ray can't even fuck his girlfriend because she saw him in the chicken suit and is all, "Oh, um, I just came by to say I can't come by! Bye!" The Ray can travel at the speed of light anywhere he wants while carrying other people. That makes sense because comic books. He takes his cousin Hank Fonzerelli to see a volcano shaped like a hand in Hawaii only to discover that it's another Brimstone. It's activated by a henchman of Darkseid while The Ray and Hank are checking out a surf competition or a luau. It's at this point when The Ray gets back to the beginning of the story where he was failing to stop Brimstone from destroying a city. As he picks the story back up, Superboy arrives to save the day. Not the boring Superboy who used to be Superman and learned a terrible secret about himself on his sixteenth birthday about an extra candle. The new Superboy who arrived on the scene after Superman died. He might also be boring but I wouldn't know having never read any comic books about him. The new Superboy is an arrogant dick and The Ray hates him. That's probably why The Ray winds up killing him. Or he thinks he killed him. Everybody reading the comic book probably thought The Ray killed him too (because we were all dumb-dumbs who actually believed DC Comics had killed Superman off for good. Why wouldn't they?! He was a big boring boy scout whose powers kept fluctuating because editors and writers thought the problem with writing Superman stories was that he was too powerful. But the real problem with writing Superman stories was that those same writers and editors were unimaginative assholes who didn't actually understand Superman. Why else would Superman have died from a fist fight?! Seriously, Dan Jurgens. What were you thinking?! Superman should never have been killed because he encountered something more powerful that could just beat the shit out of him. Superman should have been killed because of a philosophical or ethical dilemma where he realized the only way to save the world was to allow himself to die. He should have been Jesus but instead he was just Apollo Creed. Who I think was a metaphor for John the Baptist? The issue ends with the narrator letting the readers know that Superboy isn't actually dead and why would the idiots think he'd be killed in The Ray when he was currently starring in his own popular monthly comic book? Stupid dumb comic book readers! But the narrator also mentions that The Ray is out of power (I didn't know he had to recharge) and Brimstone is kind of mad. Then he's all, "If we were you," (I don't think a proper editor in 1994 would have allowed a writer to use the plural pronoun "we" as a non-specific gender singular pronoun so now I'm picturing the narrator as a small group of old people), "We'd be back here in 30 days!" And I guess 22 year old me agreed with them because I purchased Issue #2. The Ray #1 Rating: C. C is average, right? I didn't find anything I particularly loved about this issue but I also didn't find anything I absolutely hated. Except for Superboy but I think I was supposed to hate him so that's a positive critique. I probably purchased the next issue because I wanted to find out what happens to Hank Fonzerelli. What a cool dude! The letters pages don't have any letters but it does have a story by Brian Augustyn about how Christopher Priest changed his name from Jim Owsley. It also explains that Priest's idea for The Ray was to have a teenager suddenly have to deal with god-like powers while still being a teenager. I think before this that was called "Spider-man". Except for the god-like powers! Those were more spider-like powers.

#The Ray #Christopher Priest #Howard Porter #Robert Jones #DC Comics #DC

[eldritchsurveys]

o91.

582. Can you make tonight the night that you do the things you always wanted to do? >> It’s really weird what pieces of this survey end up getting passed around. Like, this fragment doesn’t even start on a logical number. Anyway, no, that’s not even a logical plan.

583. Would you rather watch life on TV or LIVE it? >> Watching TV is part of living life, too.

584. What keeps you chained down? >> I wouldn’t say I was chained down. I have a lot of freedom, I just don’t always use it -- or, I don’t always know how to use it in order to get what I want.

585. What is the nagging feeling in the back of your head? >> I don’t have any.

586. Do you celebrate yourself? >> Not consciously, or anything.

587. Does everyone get the same opportunities in life? >> Of course not.

588. What would you consider to be better than sex? >> I don’t know, I don’t make a habit of comparing things to sex.

589. What evil is necessary? >> I don’t know. 

590. What’s your favorite one hit wonder? >> I’m not sure, really. Sometimes I only know one song by a band, but that doesn’t mean that was their only hit. I just don’t know any other ones.

591. What would you do anything for? >> ---

592. Do you celebrate the full moon? >> Nah. I like looking at it, though.

593. Have you ever gone in the water at the beach at night? >> Not in the water, but I’ve definitely been at the beach at night.

594. Are you ordinary? >> No.

595. What makes people want to hang out with you? >> I have no idea. I haven’t been hung out with in long enough that I’m not sure what my social strengths are anymore.

596. Have you ever felt like you’ve been a little bit too good to someone? >> Yeah, I’ve definitely felt that way. Still, I’d prefer to err on the side of being foolishly kind than being cruel to save my own ass. (Not to say that I’ll never be cruel, because I am cruel sometimes, and there will definitely be times that cruelty comes in handy -- but I’d like to keep that at a “sometimes” and not a “usually”.)

597. What book did you like that you had to read for school? >> The only one I recall actually enjoying was Their Eyes Were Watching God. I read it again recently and I still love it.

598. What book should everyone have to read in school? >> I really don’t care.

599. Do you like the store Old Navy? >> Not particularly, but their jeans can be comfortable.

600. What movie sequels do you like? >> I can’t think of a movie sequel I enjoyed.

601. Do you have a lust for life? >> I suppose. Something like that.

602. Do you want to get more out of life? >> I think I get quite a bit out of life already. I wouldn’t mind getting more, but I’m not lacking or anything.

603. Would you want to learn to:

Convert to Buddhism? >> I mean, not really. I can still use Zen (the branch of Buddhism that I prefer) in my daily life without having to be a Buddhist, per se. I’m kind of... too syncretic and all-over-the-place to really call myself any specific religion.

Cure a hangover? >> I don’t really need to know how to do that, since I don’t recall ever having one.

Lie persuasively? >> I mean, I could probably lie persuasively if I had to.

604. What character from a movie is most like you? >> No character is most like me. They’re generally not written complex enough for that.

605. Are you comfortable with the idea of your own death? >> No.

606. How do you feel about arranged marriages? >> I don’t have an opinion one way or the other. Sometimes things like this have a cultural relevance that I don’t have the understanding of because it isn’t my culture. I don’t think it’s fair of me to say that something like arranged marriages is “wrong” just because we don’t do it where I come from. I don’t have enough of a full picture to make a judgement call like that. --Also, I don’t particularly care, so there’s that.

607. What do you hate that everyone else seems to like? >> Milk chocolate.

608. What do you like that others seem to hate? >> Absinthe.

609. If you had to be named after a month, which month would you pick? >> August.

610. Is time more like a highway or a meadow to you? >> The highway analogy suits me because of Reasons, but really time is morre like an ocean to me.

611. What is your favorite movie? >> The Fountain / Interstellar.

612. Which would you choose to be back in the day: a warrior, an alchemist, a minstrel, a bard, an oracle, a peasant, or a merchant? >> I really don’t know.

613. What is your favorite song lyric? >> I don’t have one and I’m not going to try to think of one off the top of my head.

614. What will you never run out of? >> *shrug*

615. If you could force someone to fall madly in love with you, (anyone you choose) would you do it? >> No.

616. Have you ever seen the Disney movie The Black Cauldron? >> Nope.

617. Have you ever read The Black Cauldron by Alexander Lloyd (or any of his other books in the Prydain Chronicles)? >> Nope.

618. Have you ever written a paper the night before it was due? How about the day it was due? >> I mean, probably.

619. Is there a movie you have watched so many times that you can quote it line for line? >> Labyrinth, probably. Also The Crow, but I may have forgotten a lot of it by now. Event Horizon, maybe.

620. What is your favorite season? >> Autumn.

621. Do you mind being described as cute? >> Not necessarily, but I don’t want to be described that way by just anyone, either.

622. What is the tackiest object in your home? >> *shrug*

623. What do you think people are most ignorant towards? >> I don’t know what other people are ignorant about. That’s not my call to make.

624. What is it that makes you an interesting person? >> How I engage with my interests, the things I like talking about, how my experiences have shaped me as a person, my philosophies and musings, stuff like that.

625. What makes other people interesting to you? >> The same things, actually.

626. How open to suggestion are you? >> I’m always willing to hear one out, but I’m not always going to internalise it.

627. Is Michael Jackson black or white? >> Black.

628. Are you often lonely? >> Not necessarily often.

629. What’s the most unusual pet you’ve ever had? >> I haven’t had any unusual pets.

630. Have you ever threatened an authority figure? >> I don’t think so.

631. If you had to choose would you rather make all your decisions henceforth with your head only or with your heart only? >> I’d rather continue to make my decisions with a healthy combination of both.

632. How imaginative are you? >> Quite.

633. Do you like the Counting Crows? >> I think I like a couple of songs.

634. If you took this survey from the diary (5000 Q Survey V2.0) did you note me so I could read it? >> ---

635. Are you more tense or laid back? >> I’m generally more laid back than I am tense.

636. Does your happiness depend on anyone else, or are you happy no matter what any one says or does? >> We are a social and community-oriented species. As a member of said species, yes, my happiness is in part dependent on others. If it were otherwise, I wouldn’t even bother dealing with other people, right?

637. What do you think of the idea of putting the bible into the format of a fashion magazine to attract the interest of teenagers? >> A religion that can’t adapt to its congregation ain’t worth shit, in my opinion, so I’m cool with this.

638. How often do you drink to get drunk? >> Rarely. I usually slow down, if not stop completely, when I’ve gotten to buzzed.

639. Would you consider yourself to be diplomatic? >> Sometimes.

640. Do you think that most of the classes you have taken were taught in such a way as to make plain the relevance of the subject matter in your everyday life? >> No, which was a fatal flaw. But I don’t think USian public schooling is meant to teach one life skills, it’s meant to teach one how to be a cog in the capitalist machine. Sometimes you learn other things in the process, of course, but all in all, that’s the main point. (Mind you, that’s just my understanding.)

641. Do you remember Crystal Pepsi? >> I do.

642. When was the last time you spent a night away from home? >> When we were in Chicago for my birthday weekend.

643. Some people say that there is no such thing as a stupid question. Is that true? >> I don’t know or care, bruh.

644. What is the most interesting TV channel? >> I like Science Channel and Investigation Discovery.

645. Name one song you could live without hearing ever again: >> Oh, I don’t know.

646. Do your pets understand you when you talk? >> ---

647. What are three things you HAVE NOT done that might surprise people? >> Been out of the country, had a driver’s license, been sledding in winter.

648. Have you ever had a secret admirer? >> I don’t know. Isn’t that the point of them being secret?

649. Have you been to a museum this year? >> Yep, the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.

650. Do you ever watch porn? >> Yep.

651. Do you think that it would be a good idea if people served in the army, navy or air force for a while before they were allowed to vote? >> Noooooo.

652. If you were required to do this to vote, would you? >> Absolutely fucking not.

653. Do people often give you weird looks? >> Sure.

654. Do like Japanese cooking? >> I’ve liked what I’ve tried.

655. Do you care for stray animals? >> No.

656. Which animated movies have you seen and what did you think of them:

A Charlie Brown Christmas: >> If I’ve seen it, I don’t remember it.

A Garfield Halloween: >> Haven’t seen it.

The Secret of Nimh: >> Nope.

The Last Unicorn: >> Nope.

The original Lord of the Rings cartoons: >> I didn’t even know these existed.

657. Are you ambidextrous (equally good at using both hands)? >> No.

658. Do you always say; “bless you” after someone sneezes, or do you hesitate? >> I rarely say it at all.

659. If you and your friends could go away for 2 days over Halloween weekend where would you go? >> New Orleans, duh.

660. Which of these animated movies have you seen and what did you think of them:

Watership Down: >> I haven’t seen any of these except...

As the Wind Blows: 

Grave of the Fireflies: 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas: 

Spirited Away: >> ...this one, and I liked it.

661. Do you feel that society is male dominated, female dominated, or neutral? >> I don’t know or fuckin care, by this point. I hear about it all the time and I’m oversaturated to the point of pure apathy.

662. What words offend you? >> I don’t know, the usual ones, I guess.

663. They’re just words. Can you get over it? >> I don’t even have the patience to break down why this is a silly thing to ask.

664. Have you ever looked into different religions? >> Of course.

665. Which ones have you looked into? >> Enough of them that I don’t feel like making a list.

666. What do you think of Satanism as a religion? >> Ha, 666. It’s fine with me.

667. Do you like it better when your classes are taught sitting in rows or sitting in a circle? >> I think the circular configuration is more ideal.

668. Have you ever read your own tarot cards? >> Yep, many a time.

669. Which ones do you like better, the three old star wars movies or the 3 new ones? >> I like all of them, and the 2 of the newest trilogy that have been released so far. I’m not going to pit them against each other.

670. If you scream in outer space does it make a sound? >> Nope.

671. If you saw The Queen of the Damned did you want to be a vampire/Goth afterwards? >> I mean, I was a vampyre and a Goth when I saw it.

672. If you saw SLC Punk did you want to be punk afterwards? >> Nah.

673. What is your favorite zombie movie? >> Zombieland. Tallahassee is sexy.

674. Best kids birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater >> ---

675. What were your parties like when you were a kid? >> I didn’t have any.

676. Best teen (about 15-16) birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert >> ---

677. What are/were your 15-16 year old parties like? >> I had a “Sweet Sixteen” and it was awful because I had no input whatsoever. I didn’t even know any of the kids who were invited. It was like a party thrown for some projection of what my father wanted me to be, not a party thrown for me.

678. Best 18th birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert, club, pool hall, college party >> ---

679. If you are 18 what was your party like? >> I didn’t have a party.

680. Best 21st birthday party? >> Sigh.

681. If you saw The Craft were you interested in wicca/paganism/magic afterwards? >> I’d already been interested in that sort of thing by the time I saw that.

682. What are your top 3 priorities? >> Hm.

683. If you saw fight club did you want to get into a fistfight afterwards? >> Nope, not even a little.

684. What is your favorite smell? >> Dragon’s Blood incense is nice.

685. Give everything below a humor rating (1 = laugh your ass off, 2 = lol, 3 = smile, 4 = lame, 5 = not funny, 6 = offensive):

People falling – >> Don’t want to. Also, humour is largely situational and dependent on delivery, the person making the joke, etc, so it’s not just about the content. NEXT.

Rape jokes – 

Sarcastic comments 

Blonde jokes

Dirty jokes 

God/religion jokes 

Long-ass jokes 

Death jokes 

Pain/sickness jokes 

Animals doing cute stuff 

Bodily functions 

Knock jokes 

Ethnic jokes 

Puns 

Ironic situations 

685. If you saw Cruel Intentions did you want to have lots of meaningless sex afterwards? >> LMAO nope.

686. Do you get at least three hugs per day? >> No. That’d be too many, anyway, unless they were in headspace.

687. What should someone never say to you/call you if they want to remain on your good side? >> I mean, there’s a lot of things. I don’t like to be insulted, even when my feelings aren’t actually hurt by it. It’s just fucking rude and unfriendly.

688. If you saw Trainspotting did you want to do drugs afterwards? >> I don’t remember. Maybe, lmao.

689. Do movies have a great influence on you? >> Sometimes.

690. Do you have a favorite reality TV show? >> I don’t think so. If I do, I can’t think of it. I like a few of them equally.

691. Are there certain roles that people are pressured to play in society or can they basically do whatever they want? >> Yes to both. Or something in the middle -- people can play a role in order to secure the freedom to do what they want when they’re not busy playing that role. That’s basically what gainful employment is, innit?

692. How does the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake compare to the original movie? >> I don’t know, I didn’t see either one.

693. Have you ever held a magnifying glass over an insect to burn it? >> No, but I sure wish I’d done that at least once in my life. (I mean, I stlil can, but I don’t have a spare magnifying glass lying around, or anything. Whereas my dad did, and I just never knew that that was a thing you could do with it.)

694. Have you ever pulled the wings off a fly, butterfly or any other insect? >> No. Never had one in my hands long enough.

695. What would you think of a guy (if you’re into guys) or a girl (if you’re into girls) who wanted to take you to the park to feed the birds and look at the turtles and fish in the water on a date? >> That’s adorable and sure, I’d go.

696. Do you use public pools? >> I avoid them.

697. Do you use public bathrooms? >> If I have to go, I’m gonna go. Like, come on.

698. Do you use public showers? >> If I’m at the gym or something, yeah, but I’ll definitely have shower shoes / flip flops with me.

699. How old will you be in 17 years? >> 48.

700. Would it effect you at all if you knew that a very large meteor was headed towards earth that would impact in 17 years? >> Of course that’d affect me, like... I don’t want to have that kind of dark cloud looming on the proverbial horizon for the rest of my life, fuck that.

#surveys #survey #random survey

[heavymetalbebop]

HMB Outtake: Matt Mitchell on Starebaby and more

For my recent New York Times piece on Dan Weiss’s Starebaby project, I spoke to all five members of the band (four of whom had already been featured in the Heavy Metal Bebop series, and the fifth of whom, Ben Monder, is the subject of the latest installment). I was only able to use a fraction of that material in the feature, so I’m posting extended, only lightly edited versions of those Q&As here for anyone who’s interested in digging deeper into the topic.

Matt Mitchell was first featured on HMB in September of 2017. He and I met again this past January to talk about the roots of Starebaby, how his metal influences might crop up in his music in the future and why the band Revenge makes everything else in his collection sound wimpy.

Could you talk about meeting Dan and Craig, and how you discovered a mutual interest in metal with each of them?


I met Dan and Craig roughly around the same time. I was talking to Dan about this the other day; I think it was the summer of maybe 2009. Because he played in Philadelphia when I was living there; I was still smack in the middle of living there, and he was playing there, and so I hung with him but I knew already that he was going to be playing this Tim [Berne] gig in Philadelphia with me, so we both knew that and then we met then.

I don't remember exactly when we figured out, probably pretty early on, that we both really liked metal. There must have been a point where we talked about doing something musically like that, but I don't remember when we first would have discussed it. And it was around that time I met Craig. I talked to Craig earlier, because I did a solo piano concert at the Stone in January 2009, same week that I did my first gig with Tim, ever, the Adobe Probe gig, and Craig was the one curating the Stone that month, so that's how I came into contact with him. I had never met Craig or talked to him at all, and he reached out, probably I guess he must have been talking to Tim — that must have been why, because there's no way he would have known me; I was hardly on any records at all. So he reached out and offered me this Stone gig; he said I could just do whatever I wanted. I didn't really have anything ready, so I was just like, "I'll just play solo piano."

We'd hang, and pretty soon, we realized, "Oh, shit, yeah... Oh, right." And then it was like, boom, texting like a bunch of fuckin' 13-year-old girls, which I still do, with everyone, but yeah, with Craig, it would like these long, "But, dude, have you heard this?"

And also, one thing I've been talking about with Craig, and we've done one gig, and there's plans to do more, of doing like an electronic thing. He wants to have a synth duo, or a synth-oriented thing, which we actually did a gig at the Stone a couple years ago with Ches and Maneri, where it was like these pieces of Craig's where we were both playing Prophet and stuff. There's still talk about doing more of that. It's sort of coincidentally related to this thing with Dan, because we're both playing keyboards in this, but we're still talking about doing something else aside from that. But the combination of being into the electronics and the synthesizers and the metal... It also came to more fruition when he was talking about the Prophet 6 that he had gotten and then I was like, "You know what? I should get one too," and so I did. So then instantly we have these two instruments that kind of can... It could be almost a unique marketing tie-in: the Prophet is such the backbone for me of what I'm doing in this band. It's a good-sounding synth and it's pretty versatile. Having a good synth that I liked, that I could I play, and still play my shit on and be myself on, you know, probably was a factor with this Dan thing.

What is it about that synth?

Well, it's pretty much all analog, except for the effects, the reverb or chorus, or whatever, but it sounds really [good]. It's an analog synth but it's polyphonic, so you can get a really thick, full sound. You [can] get really dense. It turns out you can get pretty heavy with it, even in the box. Obviously it's not like metal guitar, but I don't think Dan was... We were never really setting out to mimic metal guitar sounds. My view with this band, my interpretation of it is just music that's inspired by heavy music, some of which is certain types of metal or whatever, or doomy shit, or whatever. Some of it might just be maybe more fusion-based too. 'Cause we all loved Holdsworth and all that shit, as well, and we haven't talked about Mahavishu as much, but I mean, I'm sure that's back in there too, you know?

So you remember the idea being there for a while before this music was written?

Yes, for sure. I would say for at least a couple years before he sent me any music, we were talking about it off and on, just that he knew he wanted to do it; he was going to write a bunch of music, and I was just like, "Yep." I basically told him I was ready whenever he was.

So from the start, it was going to be him writing?

At least with Dan, there's always an understanding that we'll be playing in any number of things that each other does, usually several of them at one point or another. But yeah, I remember he said specifically he wanted to do something — I think he mentioned with these five people, this formation. That was the talk for as long as I can remember; that was the personnel it was going to be. He did actually at one point mention that he had been talking about it with Craig; I think I knew that they had been talking about it for a long, long time. But then at some point, he was just like, "You totally can be involved if you want to be."

Was this project something new for you in terms of a certain level of volume, intensity and aggression, or were there other bands you've done that approached this?

I know I've done more noisy things before. I mean, I've made noisier things at home, but just like recording assembly kind of thing. There must have been some shit. It wasn't the first time, but it was maybe the first time it was that focused and, in terms of compositions, playing a book of music, all of which, more or less, is designed to be pretty hitting. Mostly electronic, more electronics than piano. It's been a long time since I've done that, since I've played mostly keyboards in a band. So probably not the first time but the first I've done it with any seriously sustained kind of effort: multiple rehearsals, multiple gigs, the intent of it being a band that plays a lot of gigs. That was probably a first overall, but I've definitely made some noisy shit with people, like tapes and shit. But in terms of something that's going to proliferate and last, hopefully, yes, first time for that, definitely.

I was saying this to Craig too, but definitely seeing you guys live, you can see a sense of excitement and camaraderie and there's a lot smiling back and forth. Is there a sense of excitement of just seeing how far you can push it? Probably some of that. Probably there's a certain amount of just me and Dan being idiots too, just laughing about this or that. With the other guys, too, it's pretty loose. I mean, these are some of my best friends, too; Craig is, like, just a bud. We've always gotten along great, and he's hilarious, and, I mean, Trevor, for me, I was a Bungle fan in fucking high school. I mean, I've known Trevor for about as long as I've known those guys, so it's not like I'm like [fan voice], "Oh, Trevor...." Even though I think it's awesome; I mean, I'm always excited to play with him. But it's not like I'm like, "Bro, dude, I'm fuckin' playing with the Mr. Bungle bass player," you know? But there is a little bit of that — I still think it's fucking awesome he played in that band. Talk about a band who I've listened to their music arguably too much, that's one. I listened to that shit a lot. I mean, back when the first album was the only album. But you know, I'm super tight with him too. So a lot of it is just like, we like hanging with each other and it's kind of overall just fun.

But sometimes we'll look for each other's cues. Because the idea with a lot of these tunes is that there's a certain openness that will eventually be... like, we're going to probably crack open some of these tunes here and there, and there's some spontaneous moments that have already started to happen here and there, like ending "Episode 8" with the ending of "Annica," the slow tune? That was not discussed on the second night at the Stone; it just ended up... It's the same key, the bass note; it's in G. And we already had that intense low drone going, and it just was like, well, this is the same note as the end of "Annica" so they just started playing it. That was not discussed. And then we did it again on the last gig as well. Also not discussed, like, let's do it again; it just happened. But a lot of those sections can just be opened and different people can solo. We haven't explored it super deeply but it's already a little different from how we recorded it, a couple extra solos here or there, or play a little longer on this tune or that tune.

Had you done a lot with Trevor before, in terms of performing?

Yeah, so Trevor and I were both original members of Darius Jones' quartet together. He's on the first record; I did two albums with that quartet, but the second one is Sean Conly playing bass. Ches [Smith] is on both of those. And I've played a bunch here and there with Trevor; lot of random gigs. Like, I was subbing for Ted Reichman in Ben Perowsky's quartet, and Trevor and I both did some Claudia Quintet gigs together, also around that time, '09. We actually played New Year's in Boston '09 to 2010. And then that Darius thing and then a bunch of stuff here and there, I forget; one-offs, various times. Oh, he guested in Snakeoil a few times.

I was asking Craig this and Dan too, but it's one thing to have metal in the air or under discussion, but it's another thing to have Trevor, a guy who's been onstage with the Melvins, in the band.

Yeah, he did that 50 States [in 51 Days] tour with the Melvins [laughs]... and in Fantômas.

Exactly. Do you feel like that adds some kind of grounding?

Probably. Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to use the word legitimacy, but...

I mean, he's played heavy music, and he has a sound. Probably as much as anything it's just the sound and that he just knows how to play the right way in those kinds of environments. Sonically it's just right in there, you know?

Yeah, because there's always a pitfall of being inspired by something, especially working in a jazz context and aiming at rock or aiming at metal and being a little too polite with it.

Yeah, or just not able to achieve it. Yep. I mean, it's one thing to just write some tunes inspired by it and not have any intent to do that. It's another thing to say we're gonna rock out, and just to go halfway or a quarter of the way. For sure.

Is there a liberating quality to know that everyone in this band is on the same page in that sense?

Yeah, and I thinking having Ron Saint Germain on the record was kind of a good part of that too, because he's mixed a lot of heavy music before. Like, rock music. He's fundamentally a rock engineer. Although he's done obviously a lot of different shit lately. I mean, he did that second Miniature album. He's done Bad Brains albums; he did I Against I. He did Living Colour's Stain.

No shit. Where's his studio?

His place is in north Jersey. I don't know where.

But that's not where you recorded it?

No, we did it at Systems Two, but he engineered it and mixed it.

I'd like to hear more about the two-keyboard thing and you and Craig were able to find your respective roles and divvy things up. How did that all take shape?

I don't know if we have the same parts, but we have pretty similar parts that we're playing from. As far as the piano stuff, Dan was just like, "Craig will play piano on these two tunes; you'll play piano on these two tunes." But aside from that, he left sounds up to us, and Craig and I mostly... We didn't really [decide], like, "OK, you do this kind of sound; I'll do this kind of sound." There might have been talk, but it was mostly just, like, we did our thing and if there was issues, then we'd just work them out. But I don't even remember there being issues. Like, we rehearsed a good amount, just playing the shit, getting it together, and I just came up with the sounds that I thought would work best, and if anything wasn't cool, Dan would say so. Yeah, the most Dan would say, if he wasn't into something, was, "Can you try something else?" And he'd do that with both me and Craig, I think, but I don't remember it being that much of an issue at all. It's not like we didn't discuss anything, but it wasn't so much like, "Hey, I want this kind of sound here, and this kind of sound here." That said, there were demos for everything, so sometimes we used that a vague guide for some things.

He made demos?

Yeah, MIDI, like GarageBand. It's pretty common, especially for more complicated music. We all make them; I mean I made demos, sort of semi-demos, for the Pouting Grimace stuff. Really mostly just [exported] from Sibelius, my notation program. Once in a while, I'll take it and actually make them sound a little more hip, just to give people an idea of what the rhythms are.

I was saying to Dan that what I like about this record is that you have this genre thing on the table, but the music itself turned out to be really idiosyncratic and personal. Like you said, the different between mimicking a genre and being inspired by it is very vast, and this sort of drives home that difference. Can you talk about the way that this project diverges from something that's trying more overtly to duplicate metal?

I'm grappling with this because I have this Stone residency coming up in September and one of the nights I've loosely dedicated to trying to come up with some heavier music, and see how close I can get to a metal-ish kind of thing but not necessarily metal. I think maybe the improvising factor is where this would diverge. Because yeah, there's obviously room for shredding solos over heavy shit but Dan also likes space in his music, and space, in the sense of airiness or ventilation, is not super-compatible with metal. The fact that he played in Bloody Panda; he likes the slower, doomier kind of shit — it's probably part of the key with that. And when we talked about these bands who, like, it's their whole life; they practice after work every day, or whatever, and it's the only thing they do. To do some of that shit, you need to practice all the fuckin' time, you know? We don't have that luxury, really. I mean, we rehearse, and the fact that it's written-out, notated music is like shorthand and helps speed things along a little bit. You know, we're still jazz guys; you can tell by the way we improvise, even on the record in that environment. I think the fact that it's super synth-based, the fact that we're jazz players and the fact that a lot of the material is like these shorter kind of things, or two things of different length that kind of dovetail. That's some of it: stuff that has no tempo or relation to each other, or they might have some relationship but they're like different lengths of bars, or something like that. The way I see it is, it's Dan more consciously bringing in a lot of the heavy music influences he has and letting them have a bigger seat at the table, but a lot of the other shit is still just as present.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of his piano trio, and that's there in Starebaby. The quiet intros to some of these new pieces are similar, but it's just that the dynamic range is huge. I really like how the band engages with the super quiet and the super loud.

Yeah, that's the thing; it gets quite loud, but with a lot of super still moments too.

Have you played with drummers playing so overtly brutally as Dan does in this? Have you played with metal drummers?

Not much, in terms of metal drummers. I've done some sessions with Weasel [Walter]. But he's actually very sensitive when playing with acoustic instruments, but also he's into free improv too, obviously. There's a lot of nuance in there, actually.

Yeah, over time his improv has really evolved, and he listens.

That's a totally different angle, though. Ches can get pretty aggressive in Snakeoil. Live, if I'm amplified right, he can play very loud, and has in Snakeoil a lot.

Yeah, and in Trio-Convulsant. There's not a lot of drummers that can cross that line convincingly. Ches is one of them. He can do the Bonham thing if he wants to.

I recorded with Alan Bjorklund this past summer and Tyshawn was on that, and we did a live gig and it was really... That was Tyshawn, like... Dennis Chambers on acid, or something; it was really, really loud and intense.

We were talking about you meeting those guys in 2009 and discovering this mutual affinity. Do you feel like that overall the idea that metal is in the air with jazz musicians has increased, or is it just sort of prominent among the members of this band? Are you running into more people like that?


I mean, I probably know more people like that than I ever have, but I don't know if it's because of any zeitgeist thing or if it's just because I live here now and I've just met more people who were always into it. I would say, maybe a little bit of both. But in terms of the metal I like to listen to, I still operate under the assumption that 98 percent of people don't know about 98 percent of the bands I would talk about. Which is not a problem, but I mean, like, in terms of metal, it's the guys in this band, in terms of people I talk to about it; I talk to Weasel a lot about it; and Kim Cass is into it, Kate Gentile is into it — Kim and Kate are way into it. We just haven't really gone out on that limb ourselves together. Or maybe we dabbled a little just in terms of inspiration on Pouting, even though I wasn't setting out to write metal stuff but Pouting kind of glances at it here and there. Yeah, there are some other people too; I'm having a hard time naming them, though. So yeah, maybe sort of, but still mostly it's that phenomenon that I think Craig mentioned in your interview you did years ago where it's like, "Oh, yeah, I like Meshuggah." That's kind of about it. It's still mostly that. But yeah, not a lot of people who would know what I mean when I say, "Yo, the new Grave Upheaval's coming out in three months," and who would be even a quarter as excited as I am about it.

It's interesting to think about the different ways this has found its way into jazz, from John Zorn in the late '80s and early '90s to now. This is obviously a different thing, where the genre is not being as directly referenced in the music.

It's maybe, like, somehow... there's a tangential thing to jazz in the way that super extreme metal has a now-very-tangential relationship to, say, blues. I kind of despise the lip service of, "Oh, it's all blues." But I kind of like thinking about a lot of metal, and even the really abstract shit, in terms of like a weird, refracted kind of blues context. How, I don't even know, necessarily. But you know, if the rhythm's a certain way or the phrasing's a certain way, you could just change a couple of the notes and you'd have something that's way more old-school, or whatever. I mean, obviously, fuckin' Sabbath's a blues band, basically.

But the groove, the vamp aspect of it, too? For me, even aside from the repetitive nature of a lot of metal shit, one thing I've been getting into for a while is just, how repetition is a factor in music [where you're] using unusual material, or whatever, and how you repeat something, like you have a vamp that's a weird length that has this weird shape, but you repeat it a lot. It suddenly kind of means something else. To me, a lot of the metal kind of shit, that's a thing I take from that, just the nature of the repetition, and how riffs follow each other. But then say, what if you do that but just kind of shuffle it around a little bit, jumble it up and give it to vibes and bassoon to play?

Yeah, so, I think we talked before about ways to access [metal], and one thing this project has maybe helped me realize is that, OK, I can access it a little bit in a note sense, but I could also just access it by hiring a guitarist and bassist and giving them shit to play, who have an understanding [of] and interest in metal. And then we just take it from there. If I want it to sound more like metal, hire metal instruments, so to speak. And I think it might be a thing that some younger musicians... Actually the guitarist who's gonna play on my Stone week, Wendy Eisenberg, she's a fairly recent graduate from NEC — I forget how I met her; I think I just met her online — she loves all this metal; she loves all the same shit that I listen to, like the ultra brutal tech-y shit and the doomier shit, and so she's going to be playing on this Stone week, partially because I know she... I don't expect her to get that sound on this Revenge record, or whatever, but she knows who Revenge is. She knows all the references. And so I'm like, OK, that could be a starting point.

Yeah, an eclectic listening style is one thing but then there's the question of having to make these choices in terms of performance. Like you say, the choices are made at the levels of instrumentation, personnel...

And she's also a jazz guitarist too and so she plays just clean-toned shit and writes weird songs. Actually, [Jon] Irabagon's gonna play on [that night], and do you know Ed RosenBerg? Do you know Jerseyband?


I know of Jerseyband.


Yeah, he's gonna play tenor and bass sax. So point being is there will be jazz moments, or something having to do with improvising. That's really the key, is having this sound and aesthetic, but how to improvise in ways that I want to improvise in. That's really the key.

Yeah, because Dan's record, when I think about it as a whole, I think about it as a written record.

Yeah, it's very composed. Most of the soloing is Monder soloing. I have a couple solos. It's not as much solos, also, it's a lot of blowing that happens here and there or improvising background or textures, maybe. But it's a lot of preordained shit.

In terms of this question of how to access metal, I was talking to Dan about this, and whether he'd ever thought of, say, using double bass, or hiring metal musicians, and he said, no, I want to keep one foot in the jazz thing. Craig, on the other hand, said he liked the idea of not doing this sort of thing with jazz musicians. Where do you stand on that?

I've been thinking about it. Like, I talk to Lev Weinstein [of Krallice and other bands] a bit sometimes. I know he's squarely a metal dude; he even said to me when we first started talking, like, "Just so you understand, I mostly listen to metal; I'm not really a jazz guy." And I said, "Fine, no problem. Not a problem for me." We haven't talked about playing but I've thought about, if I were to do like, say, a metal thing, I'd maybe talk to someone like him. I mean, he plays in a lot of shit. I know he did that big marathon concert.

By the way, I got the two Krallice albums that came out last year. They're fucking insane. I mean, I have their other shit, but... fuck.

Krallice is maybe New York's greatest avant-garde band. To me, in terms of music in New York right now, they're at the dead center of what people are going to look back on in 40 years, or something. The level of what they're putting out...

It's really fucked up.

And it seems more local, or something, but they have fans. They put out one of those thing on Bandcamp and thousands of people buy it.

They should. The thing is there's a lot of fucking amazing metal in New York. It's really ridiculous. Imperial Triumphant; that shit's killing. Artificial Brain. That Pyrrhon album that came out last year is ridiculous! All that shit is really, really fucking good. But almost all those guys are jazz fans too. Like, I ran into Kenny Grohowski, who plays with Imperial Triumphant, and I had literally just that day bought a couple of their albums on Bandcamp. And I told him that and he was like, "Oh, dude, the guys in the band'll freak. They're all fuckin' huge fans of what you guys do." Which I thought was awesome. And I've talked to Sam [Smith] from Artificial Brain a little online. I guess I talk to a decent amount of metal dudes online, now that I think about it.

I mean, you know, that's also totally one of the things about metal is, the metal dudes are all super supportive and open.

Oh, that band Couch Slut. That shit's killing too!

Yeah, that band is fucking incredible.

The first time I heard them, it reminded me of Unsane.

Oh, yeah, for sure. I'm a huge fan of Unsane but Couch Slut, there's a real extremity to that. And in terms of Krallice, it's an opposite approach. Couch Slut are obviously coming at it from this really grimy, dirty place, and Krallice are in a way kind of pristine.

Right, yeah.

But yeah, I saw Krallice play Ygg Huur at the Stone, and it was one of those, "Goddamn, New York..." moments.

Oh, yeah. It doesn't happen anywhere else. It's why when we go to other places, there are these rabid crowds, because it's not normal there. And there are pockets of fans for whatever everywhere. Just like Snakeoil or whatever. That's the most frequent example I can think of, especially Snakeoil. We get tagged as very difficult music; in the jazz world, we're like the fuckin' freaks, whereas in the greater scheme of the avant-garde, we're like rock music, in the sense of, like, we're normal. We're not even close to being out-there enough. In the realm of out-there music, Snakeoil is not, like, Erstwhile Records or something like that, which is always the most cutting-edge shit, in terms of what Jon [Abbey] likes to put out. I mean, I'm a fan; I have tons of Erstwhile albums.

But what I was getting at is that we go to, like, the Arctic Circle and play in Norway, or whatever, and the place is fuckin' totally packed with these maniacs, or students. We go to Italy, people fuckin' freak for this shit; we go to the West Coast and people come out. But they're starved for it in other places, that's the thing. It's like, yes, there's awesome music everywhere, but in terms of New York, it's just New York; there's just nowhere else. At least not for what I like. I mean, yeah, there's amazing music in London and Berlin and whatever; Paris has a lot of insane people, insane musicians too, but the overall music scene... And that's the thing: A band like Krallice in a place like New York, [it] can just be like, "Oh, sure, yeah, I know about Krallice. They play all the time."

Right, they're just the band down the street.

And it's the same thing for me too. I play all the time, so so often the last thing I want to is go see music. I feel that compulsion to go support people, support my friends, and I try to support and encourage younger musicians. But so often I'm like, I'm good; I'm not going out tonight. I'm sure it's fuckin' worse for writers, too. 'Cause you get just inundated with things to listen to. You barely have enough time to listen to the things you want to listen to.

Lately, I just don't have any interest in, "Oh, I've been listening to this shit too often; I should get into something else." I just allow my id to guide.

Yeah, I think that listening is supposed to be like that, ideally.

What that's meant is I've listened exclusively to metal, like it's probably a good 75 percent, for the past 12 months, which is crazy for me in my life. It's never been like that ratio. Lately I'm just like, "Yeah, I guess we're gonna go back." And sometimes I'll burn out a little.

But the thing is, each band is a different world, in a way. 
 Especially in metal. You talk to most metal bands, one thing I've noticed is, especially the older the band is, [they'll] say, yeah, we like these bands, and they'll rarely name more than five bands, but what they [play], I could see how it's inspired by those bands but then it's something new. It's like in the war metal shit, everyone says they like Blasphemy, and they'll probably say Venom and Beherit. And that's about it.

I got the two Blasphemy albums. Dude, every time Revenge comes on, still, I'm just like... All that shit's pretty aggressive and then Revenge comes on. Revenge is that band that, like, you get a bunch of freaks and weirdos together and then there's the one guy who they all say, "That guy's fuckin' out of his mind." That's Revenge. Or a bunch of tough guys, or dudes that start fights, and then there's the dude that's too crazy for them.

Yeah, that band really does make that other shit sound...

Kinda wimpy. I would just love to talk to that guy for 30 minutes.

Yeah, I want to have a conversation with that guy [drummer/bandleader J. Read], or just watch them practice or... The way those records sound... 
 That's the thing, they sound amazing.

They sound amazing, and it's very calculated, because other albums don't sound like that. So there's a lot of choices made, and clearly that guy is like RZA or something in the level of his soundworld.

He's in control.

Yeah, you want to know what's going on in those studios. It's like taking a sound of complete trash and refining it...

Like, 'cause the guitars are the thing that are mixed the lowest. But then the vocals are all crazy; there's a lot of variety in the vocals, because sometimes it's just the screaming, then it's the low shit, and then it's the shit that...

It sounds like a pig or something.

Yeah, clearly, he uses a lot of effects.

They are great live band, but in a way, the records are better because it's crafted.

Well, it's like certain types of indie rock, or the Beatles or XTC or Cardiacs. It's like ear candy. They make their albums to be for the heads. They make them as studio art. And Revenge is one of the metal bands that kind of does their version of that.

Have you heard the new Portal?

Yes. I've heard the two tracks they've made available. It's their most sonically well-defined.

Yeah, it's great. I've listened to it once through. I didn't go as deep with the last one as I did with Swarth.

I've been checking out Outre' a lot.

This new one, I would say, there was nothing about that I didn't think it was probably their best. It just seems like another step. 
Yeah, they don't really make missteps. It's either you like what they're doing or you don't, basically.

Have you seen them?

No.

They were one of these bands that hit me the hardest live. They're very intense performers. Whatever the singer is doing with the costumes, it actually has an effect.

Yeah, the clock-face face?

Yeah, and he has all the different ones. He did this one where he had these tentacle things on his fingers.

Oh, shit. Oh, wow.

But yeah, whereas Revenge I think to see it live, it's good, but it makes it a little more mundane, Portal only heightens the sense of insanity.

Revenge you just want to see a little bit the spectacle of how he does it.

The Cremation shit is so chaotic and insane...

That I haven't even managed to dig out of the tar pit to understand...

It's really fucked-up. If you just turn it up a little bit... The vocals are so out. I don't know anything about what's going on on that record at all. That's one reason I'm a little obsessed with it because it's like, what the... who was doing this in 1992?!

You've probably listened to it more than me at this point. Because I bought it, listened to it once, and was like "What the fuck is this?" and put it away. 
Yeah, it's super chaotic.

Have you listened to Conqueror?

Shit, yeah. I dig it. It's like proto-Revenge, and Death Worship is just the two of them [J. Read and R. Forster] again. And it sounds kind of like more punk or more like, say, Black Witchery or something like that. I like it a lot, though. I think they share the vocals on that one.

I should probably wrap it up. Yeah, it always comes back to J. Read!

#matt mitchell #starebaby #dan weiss #heavy metal bebop #jazz metal #j read #krallice

[jesbakescookies]

Here’s an old Christmas smut one shot. 

This is a AU featuring Merle and Sam from Sweet Hereafter, an if they met before type fic (you don’t need to read SH but it’s kinda fun to see them before).

If you’ve read Sweet Hereafter this is based ten years prior to the zombie out break. It is pretty much smut, fyi. This is a stand alone one shot that may or may not turn into something depending on reactions. Let me know your thoughts.

I don’t own the walking dead etc. OC and non canon stuff is mine.

Story contains lyrics and title is inspired from “If you want trouble” by Nick Waterhouse

On any given day Merle could find trouble. Whether it was booze, blow or broads, if he wanted it, he could find it. Trouble came easy for most Dixons but Merle was a professional hellion.

He could saunter into any shithole bar, in any asscrack of Georgia town and walk out with not only a goodie bag full of drug cocktails but a piece of tail to do them with.

It was easy, always was and probably always would be but that Christmas Eve night when the bars door opened with a groan and slammed shut with a obnoxious screech, a type of trouble walked in that would have Merle on his knees begging for it.

He stood at the end of the long sticky bar top, a beer bottle hanging loosely in his hand and cigarette tucked behind his ear. He had just finished working an odd job at a nearby packaging warehouse. They’d needed extra help for the holidays and he made a quick grand loading 18 wheelers with over priced bullshit for suburbanites. He was at the bar blowing through some of that hard earned cash when he saw her. His head lolled to the side, his piercing baby blues taking in the lean blonde swaying her way through the crowded tables. She sided up to the bar ordering a Jack and Coke from Martinez the resident pint slinger. Her blonde hair was haphazardly pulled back, tendrils falling onto the shoulders of her leather jacket.

Merle peered over and saw her curved ass painted in worn denim perched on the barstool, her boot clad foot braced on the kick rail. She was pale but her cheeks were flushed from the cold air whipping through the darkened streets. Her plump lips cupped the glasses rim as she sipped her drink. She was sexy as fuck and looked like she could chew a man up and spit him to the side.

He wanted her. 

Wanted her bent over a stationary object so he could rail into her. Spread open and wet for him.

Fuck, his cock throbbed at just the thought of seeing her soft thighs and perky tits. He hadn’t seen such a good looking woman in the whole state of Georgia, which said a lot since he spent most his time drifting all over those rolling hills.

Merle smirked at Martinez who was leaning towards her, his Latin charm in full swing. He could tell the blonde was unimpressed but gladly taking her free refill from the overconfident man.

Deciding it was time to see just what kind of girl he was checking out, Merle strolled over, sliding into the seat next to her. He leaned in close, his arm braced on the back of her barstool.

“Martinez botherin’ ya Sugar?” He drawled a slow grin curling his lips. She cocked an eyebrow and asked, “Your name Martinez too?”

Snorting Merle rasped sarcastically, “Do I look brown enough to be a fuckin’ Maaaartinez?”

“I figured Martinez was a code word for asshole or something.” She snarked sipping her drink. Merles eyes narrowed and asked, “Ya callin’ me an asshole Sugar?”

“Yes. Now can I drink in peace?”

Merle waved a hand dismissively and grunted, “Nah it’s Christmas Eve. Nobody should be alone on Christmas.”

“I don’t believe in Christmas.” she grumbled her finger swiping through the sweat on her glass. Chuckling Merle rasped, “Ya should. Saint Nick hooked ya up this year, ol’ Merle’s here t'keep ya company.”

“Oh really? Sounds like I got jipped.”

“Now that ain’t nice Sugar.” Merle pouted, his lip out before slowly grinning, “How bout ya tell me your name and we get t'know one anotha.”

“Names none of your damn business and I prefer to drink alone.” She growled, her eyes cutting to his angrily.

“Ya know what they say bout drinkin’ alone dontcha?” Merle teased, raising his eyebrow comically.

“No what?” She retorted, her lip curled into a sneer. Merle couldn’t get over how sexy she was while being a bitch. He wanted to suck on her snarling lip, maybe even bit it until she squirmed.

“That it’s boring as fuck.” He spoke plainly then suggested, “Now how ‘bout I buy ya another ‘n we go play a round of pool.”

Rolling her eyes, the woman threw back the last of her drink and conceded, “I’m not one to turn down free booze. Pony up old man.”

“Hey now! I ain’t no old man. Sugar.”

“It’s Sam not Sugar and I don’t give a shit s'long as you’re payin’.” She responded before sliding off the barstool and sauntering over to the pool tables. Merle watched her sexy ass sway over to the green felt tables and lean a curved hip against the edge. Two men were playing and only half way through the game when she batted her gorgeous blue eyes at them. Merle snorted as he watched them trip over themselves to set the table up for her and get her a cue.

“She looks more dangerous than you Dixon.” Martinez commented setting down another round of drinks.

“Pfft. I’ll take ‘er home by last call.” Merle rasped with a cocky grin, adding, “Bet ya tonight’s tab she walks out on my arm.”

Chuckling the bartender nodded, “A'right I’ll take that bet and a counter, I bet she lays you out flat when ya try.”

Rolling his eyes Merle joked, “Ain’t no girl knockin’ a Dixon out. Got a jaw of steel.”

Walking away with their drinks he met up with Sam at the tables. The two men currently trying their hand at winning the blonde over gave him the stink eye when he handed her another drink.

“Bout fucking time. I’m going crazy listening to these numb nuts try and teach me how to play pool.”

“Well ya heard the lady boys, fuck off and find some other cooze to hassle.” Merle dismissed the men, giving them a cocky sneer.

“Are you calling me a cooze?” She asked with a irritated wrinkle in her forehead.

“Well ya got a nice pair of tits 'n I’m just assumin’ but I bet ya got a nice slice of pie too. So yeah cooze.”

“I’m gonna need a whole lot more alcohol to put up with your shit Merle.” Sam sighed before gulping her latest drink. “Better keep your tab open.”

“My pleasure, now get your sexy ass over there and break.”

Sam took the cue from the table and stood at the end, her lithe body leaning over to break the triangle formation of balls. He licked his bottom lip, biting it almost bloody as her shirt dipped showing off delicious looking cleavage. The thought of licking up the curve and biting down on the narrow column of her neck had Merle adjusting his jeans. He watched as she broke the table up, the balls spreading out and a solid falling into a corner pocket.

“Good girl,” he rasped, sipping his beer watching her move easily around the table. The woman was hot and could apparently play a mean game of pool because it took a few shots before Merle had a turn. He watched her lean casually against the table, her ass perched on the edge while she gulped the last of her drink.

“Should slow down Sugar. I want ya walking out on my arm not thrown over my shoulder.” He gave her a toothy grin while sinking a stripe into a pocket. Sam rolled her eyes and retorted, “Who says I’ll be leaving with you of all people.”

“Well you’re stickin’ around to play a game with me, drinking my booze.”

“So you buy me drinks and I owe you?” Sam sneered.

Chuckling while taking a shot he drawled, “Nah just means you’re enjoyin’ my company.”

Snorting she dead panned, “No it means I enjoy booze.”

Laughing gruffly Merle nodded while shrugging lazily. “S'pose so but ya coulda drank at the bar but now you’re playin pool with me.”

“So I like pool doesn’t mean you’re getting anywhere near my 'slice of pie’.” Sam imitated his drawl while repeating his catch phrase. Merle grinned and swaggered closer, his head cocking to the side as he approached drawling slow and thick, “I guaran-goddamn-tee you’d enjoy me being reeeal close to your pie. So much so you’d ache for me later.”

“Oh really?” She breathed clearing her throat and suggested, “maybe I’m a lesbian.”

“You? A carpet muncher?” Merle laughed gruffly, rubbing a hand over his rough jaw, “Nah. I got a feelin’ most broads don’ like ya. I see all the other cats hissing in the room. They don’t seem t'like the competition.”

“Yeah well maybe I don’t like sex at all. Maybe I’m celibate.”

“Doubt it.” He drawled, his finger curling in her belt loop, pulling her closer. He listened to her breathing kick up and watched her cheeks flush. He could feel the heat radiating off her as he rasped quietly, “Ya like sex. I can tell these things.”

“Pffft.” Sam huffed pushing him away while picking up his beer and taking a swig “Like booze more.” She muttered as she dropped another ball in a corner pocket.

They played two games, both of which Merle won by the skin of his teeth. Sam drank more than he thought possible for a woman her size and was still on her feet. Her words were slower but she was far from a slurring drunken mess. She either drank heavily often or had some super powers that burned off alcohol rapidly.

“I wanna dance.” She announced turning on her heel to saunter over to the jukebox. Merle watched her scan through all the different available tracks and drop a few coins in, her fingers pushing her choice.

The music picked up a guitar and horn sounding song with jazzy drums. It wasn’t something Merle would ever listen to, being more of a hard rock stereotypical redneck music fan. However it made Sam sway her little ass across the dance floor so it might be the best song Merle had ever heard. He felt his feet moving before his mind caught up, the idea of holding onto those supple curves while she gyrated intoxicated him.

“If you want trouble

You got it”

Merle had never heard a more accurate song lyric in all his life. Fucking hell he didn’t just want it, he needed it. He watched her turn as he approached, her eyes hooded and predatory, her hips swaying and dipping. Her hands were sliding up her curves and over her head, twisting together into her hair seductively. Reaching forward Merle grabbed her hips, his fingers curling under her belt to yank her against his front making her squeak and giggle. Merle grinned wolfishly at the sound, “C'mere Sugar. Wanna feel ya.”

“Said you been thinking all night about it

Well if you look you know where I’ll be”

Sam’s soft body stretched out along his broad frame. Her hands slid up his chest to grasp the back of his neck, her blunt nails scraping along the back of his head. He grunted at the overwhelming sensation and warned, “Careful girl.” Sam smirked at him while swirling her hips to the bass.

“If if you want trouble yeah, trouble

If you want trouble.”

Her damn blue eyes looked dark as pitch and the friction of her lithe body swaying against his had Merle rock hard.

“Sugar, ya got no fuckin’ idea how sexy ya are.” He drawled softly, his breath ghosting over the curve of her ear. His hand stroked its way to her lower back, fingertips sliding under the hem of her shirt to touch soft skin. Applying the barest of pressures had Sam plastered to his chest, a tiny gasp catching his ear. Merle didn’t dance and probably never would have but Sam had him shuffling with her to the music, her body curling around his. She let her hands drag down his broad shoulders, her nimble fingers touching the edges of his shirt sleeve. Merle swallowed thickly as his groin pulsed with need. She wasn’t doing anything sexual, just the warmth of her fingertips was enough to cause a throb inside him. Soon her hands were sliding along his stomach making his abs twitch until they curled into the leather of his vest, pulling him closer.

“You got moves old man.” She rasped, her voice low and breathy. Merle chuckled and whispered hoarsely “ya got no fuckin’ idea girl. No fuckin’ idea.”

Letting his lips graze the sensitive skin behind her ear Merle heard her panting, the sexy woman obviously as turned on as he was. The song slowed and eventually ended, leaving them standing there staring at each other, both sounding breathless.

“Let’s get outta here. Got some party favors back at my place.” Merle rasped hoarsely, ticking his head to the exit door as his fingers stroked her lower back. Sam hummed to herself, lips pursed slightly. He could see her tossing the idea around in her pretty little head before she responded, “I gotta make a stop first.”

“A'right.” Merle agreed quickly, anything to get her alone and with less clothing. He, gripped her hand and began pulling her out of the bar. Giving Martinez the one finger salute and a cocky grin, Merle hollered, “Thanks for the drinks Marty.”

The man’s eyes narrowed and he shook his bald head while drying a pint glass. “Fuck you Dixon.”

The couple headed outside to Merle’s motorcycle as Sam looked at him dubiously. “Are you too drunk to drive this thing without killing me? I kinda like having skin on my face.” She asked with a worried expression.

Merle chuckled, “Girl I’ve been ridin’ drunk since before you were a twinkle in you pa’s eye.”

“First off, there ain’t been no twinkle in my sperm donors eye in his whole goddamn life and you aren’t that much older than me.”

“A girl with daddy issues, surprise surprise.” He muttered before asking, “How old are then?”

He climbed on and held an arm out to help her balance. Sam swung her leg over and replied, “22.”

“Well I got a dozen years on ya, girl.” Merle replied, his eyebrows raised.

“Fuck off Merle.” She sneered playfully.

“Ya always a bitch?”

“Nah. Just to assholes like you.” She quipped from behind him, her arms squeezing him tightly.

Merle could tell she was smiling and didn’t let her rude words effect him. Instead he chuckled and drawled, “A'right where to, smart ass?”

“Fifth and main.”

Merle cocked an eyebrow at the location. His dealer was located at fifth and main but it seemed odd for her to know Crowley. He’d never seen her in town before, let alone hanging out at that low life’s place.

“What ya gotta do there?”

“Just dropping something off.” She answered vaguely, “Sooner we get 'er done the sooner we can relax for the evening.”

Merle could picture her eyebrow cocked suggestively, her lip bitten pink. Kick starting the bikes engine they peeled out fast and hard, gravel spitting out behind them. Ten minutes later they pulled up to fifth and main and sure enough she strolled towards Crowley’s. “Stay here.” She told him as she slide off the bike expertly.

“I don’t think ya should go in there alone darlin’.”

“Stay here.” She repeated over her shoulder without a backwards glance.

Merle watched her lean against the doorframe and knock, waiting for the scumbag to answer. When the door opened Crowley looked irritated at first but then frightened. Merle climbed off instantly but watched in rapt attention as Sam punched he dealer in the face and pushed him back inside. Merle jogged up the steps and made it inside before she kicked the door closed.

“I said stay outside,” Sam growled before pulling out a handgun from her purse.

“Jesus sugar. Whatcha doin’?”

“Dropping off a message.” She growled, her gun aimed at the dealer’s head.

Crowley was sitting on the staircase holding a bloodied nose. Sam stood in front of him and spoke evenly and calmly. “Now Fuckhead, I’m sure you’re aware of why I’m here…”

The lowlife drug dealer nodded and mumbled through his hand, “Yeah. Look I’m sorry.”

“Fuck your sorries. He wants his fucking money. Not next week, not tomorrow. Right fucking now.”

“I don’t…”

“You do. Don’t lie you nutless bitch. I didn’t travel 100 miles to the armpit of Georgia for no goddamn reason.” She growled kicking him in leg, “now get your dumb fucking ass up and take me to your hideyhole and get me the fucking money.”

Crowley sighed and crawled to his feet, pushing himself up with a groan. Merle stood there shocked at the dramatic change in events. He’d planned on getting high and fucking the day lights out of Sam but now Merle stood as she threatened some assholes life for some kinda of crime boss.

“Stay Merle. I fucking mean it.” She ordered following the guy into the back of the house. Merle stood there feeling awkward for the first time in a long time. He wasn’t used to being bossed around but the bitch had a gun and didn’t seem to mind threatening people with it. Moments later he heard her returning, her gun tucked away and her bag slung heavily over her back.

“Don’t try this again Crowley or I’ll come back and be less than nice to you.”

“Ok, ok. I promise.”

“Fuck off.” She mumbled walking out of the house and towards his bike. Merle looked back at his dealer and drawled, “Hey man, I didn’t know she was… Whatever she is.”

“Run from that bitch Merle. She’s a goddamn psycho.”

They pulled up in front of Merle’s apartment complex and climbed off the bike. Merle looked her over and watched as she pulled out a cigarette and lit up, blowing smoke to the side. He took her offered smoke and cupped the flame of her lighter, inhaling slow and deep. Staring at Sam he spoke through his exhale, “So who are ya and whaddya do?”

Rolling her eyes she teased, “I’m Sam and I pick things up and drop things off.”

Snorting he drawled, “No shit. Who do ya work for?”

“A boss just like everybody else. I’m not here to fucking gossip Merle.” She responded before flicking her spent butt away and tilting her head towards the building, “We going in or am I calling a cab?”

Merle sucked the last of his smoke away and dropped it to the ground. He strolled inside, climbing the narrow stairway with Sam following him. They got to his door and he unlocked it, ushering her in first. His brother was drinking a beer and watching some program about cars. Daryl’s narrowed eyes took in the sight of Sam and then his eyes land on Merle. He could see his little brother was shocked at the quality of girl he brought home. Merle was the first to admit he didn’t have high standards of the quality of his pussy, he was a quantity not quality type guy. Sam was not only beautiful but she had turned out to be quick as a whip and unafraid to trade barbs. It didn’t even piss him off when she jabbed back at him. It was refreshing. Not to mention he now knew she was straddling the line of the law just like him.

“I don’t do three ways Merle if that’s your plan.” She snarked throwing her bag onto the chair by the couch. Daryl’s eyes widened and he looked like he was going to run away.

“Don’t worry bout Daryl. He ain’t no ladies man.” Merle rasped heading into the kitchen to grab a couple beers. Daryl huffed out an angry breath at Merle’s comment but didn’t respond. Sam however spoke up, “Why the fuck not? He’s the better looking brother.”

Merle stomped out and growled, “Now that’s fuckin’ bullshit and mean.”

Sam snorted, “What? He is, maybe I wanna trade up.”

“Sugar I bought fucking drinks all night. Ya ain’t swapping brothers.”

“First off I don’t owe you shit for buying me drinks all night. Second you didn’t even fucking buy them, you won a bet on if I’d leave with you sooooo technically my ass bought the goddamn drinks.”

Daryl watched them argue before picking up his beer and strolling into his room, his door shutting with a resounding click.

Sam smirked and asked, “He always shy?”

Nodding Merle flopped down on the other side of the sofa he asked, “So come on, who do ya work for?”

Huffing out an indignant breath, “No offense but fuck off. I’m not telling you shit.”

Merle rasped, “Sugar, ya owe me an answer.” Laughing she took a gulp of beer and sighed, “I don’t owe you shit.”

“Crowley’s my connection, he ain’t gonna be too pleased with me now. Ya owe me.”

Rolling her eyes Sam sipped her beer before stating, “I work for his boss. I take care of some deliveries. Messages or packages. I’m not telling you names and shit.”

“Fine. How the fuck did ya get involved in this shit?”

“Crowley’s boss is… was my boyfriend.”

Merle eyes widened and he shot up, “What the fuck?! Ya didn’t tell me ya got an old man let alone some fuckin’ drug lord.”

“Pfft. Drug lord my ass. The guys an asshole who I’m dumping now that I got cash to take off with.”

Furrowing his brow he drawled, “So what, you’re takin’ Crowley’s money and runnin’?”

“Yeah. So no worries about him coming after you, he’ll be too busy chasing me.” Sam joked but he could see the strain behind her mask.

“He gonna come after ya?”

“Well I’m stealing from him and dumping his stupid ass.”

“Where ya goin’?” Merle asked wondering if she actually had a plan of if she was just winging it.

“Don’t know. North. Tired of this shit hole state.”

Merle hummed the knowledge and leaned back chugging his beer. Setting it to the side he pat his lap an rasped, “C'mere Sugar. Let’s celebrate your last night in town.”

Sam smirked and set her bottle down asking, “Where are these party favors?”

“Whatcha want? Weed, a lil crystal or oxys?”

Sam snorted, “Weed. I like my teeth and Oxys are for fucking hillbillies.”

Merle glared at her and drawled, “Fuck you.”

“That’s the goal right?” She quipped pulling off her boots and tossing her jacket to the side. Merle got distracted as she sat back down, her shirt highlighting her curved tits and narrow waist.

“Gonna just stare at me all night old man? Ya havin a stroke?”

“God you’re such a bitch.” He muttered pulling out his weed stash from the coffee table. He packed the tiny bowl and handed it over with a lighter. He watch Sam pull a deep hit, her eyes closed as she held it for a few seconds. Her eyes slide open as she blew the pungent smoke to the side. Handing it back Merle took a deep pull and relaxed back into the sofa. After a few passes the bowl was spent and the pair were zoning out. Merle’s head lolled to the side and he saw her smirking at him.

“What?”

“I was lying.” She stated with a tiny grin.

Raising an eyebrow he drawled, “Bout what?”

“Trading up.”

Smiling widely he asked, “Oh yeah? He ain’t better looking?”

“I didn’t say that I just meant I wouldn’t trade up. I kinda like your big mouth. He’s too quiet.” She joked with a twinkle in her eyes.

“Pffft. Such a twat.”

Sam laughed loudly and sighed, “I love that word. Twwwwwat.”

Merle snorted and reached out, pulling on her wrist. Sam crawled over to straddle his lap. He groaned as her ass pressed against his semi. She cocked an eyebrow and the rolled her hips against his obvious arousal making him moan loudly, his head falling back against the couch cushion.

“What? Been showin’ off your tits, which by the way ya got a nice set on ya.” He slid his hands up her ribs, his large palms cupping her breasts as his thumbs ran across her nipples. Merle felt them harden under his touch making his hands flex, squeezing her chest firmly. Sam moaned leaning forward, her mouth delving into his. Merle cupped the back of her head, tangling his fingers into her blonde hair. He pulled her closer, fisting the soft locks as he ravaged her mouth. “Goddamn you taste good.” He groaned, his hips thrusting upwards in between her thighs.

“Mmhhm.” She moaned, pulling back to strip her shirt off. Merle growled at the sight of her full creamy tits almost overflowing out of a see-through black lace bra.

“Jesus Sugar. Your tits should be illegal.” His hands stroked her shoulders before curling his fingers under the straps of her bra, dragging them down her arms. The cups of her bra fell and out poured her pale breasts. Merle groaned before cupping her, his mouth sucking and biting the delicate curve of her tits before sucking her pink nipple into his hot mouth. Sam moaned at the motions, her hips rolling against his lap. He couldn’t help but thrust upwards, his hands gripping her hips to push her down against his rock hard cock.

“Fucking Christ Sugar.” He muttered, moving his mouth up her neck until he reached her swollen lips. Their tongues battled for control as their hands gripped onto each other. Merle wrapped his arms around her waist before standing up to head to his room. Sam secured her legs around his body and braced her arms across his shoulders. He grasped her ass, his fingers kneading the flesh as he walked, his mouth nipping and sucking on her neck. Once in his bedroom he tossed her onto the bed making her giggle.

Merle smirked and pulled his shirt off, his hands going to his belt instantly. He watched as she unhooked her bra and then peeled off her ridiculously tight pants. She was completely naked, spread out across his mattress. He drank her in, the soft line of her thighs and dip of her waist. Her hair was splayed out on the dark sheets like some kind of angelic temptress. She was so goddamn beautiful Merle could barely keep his hands from grabbing her like a desperate crackhead on payday looking to score.

“Fucking christ you’re sexy.” He rasped stepping out of his jeans. Crawling onto the bed over her, Merle let his nose graze her thigh and waist. His tongue tasting her warm skin and his teeth nipping along the way. Sam moaned as Merle’s large palms stroked and squeezed her ass while rutting against her wet heat.

“Fuck old man, you still have moves.” She groaned as he placed open mouth kisses along her neck before sucking and biting her earlobe.

Merle chuckled, rolling his hips between her spread thighs. “Ain’t done anything yet girl. M'gonna make you scream my name Sugar.”

Sam kissed him deeply, her tongue sliding against his while her hands gripped his neck. Merle was drowning in her scent and taste. She was a siren and he couldn’t help but want to fall to his knees and worship every fucking inch of her.

“Please… more.” Sam begged, her legs wrapping around his waist to squeeze him closer. Merle groaned as his overheated skin slid against her wet lips.

“Fuck. Lemme. Git somethin’.” He growled his accent thick and slow, pulling away to get a condom. Merle hated to do it but he wasn’t getting Sam knocked up or giving her something from his checkered past.

Soon he was sitting back on his heels to watch his cock slid inside her tight body. Merles mouth dropped open as he panted, the sight of her engulfing him was the most erotic thing he’d ever seen.

“Jesus.” he gasped while rocking into her slowly. Sam’s whole body arched off the mattress and a deep flush crawled up her chest to her cheeks.

“Oh my god.” She moaned her nails biting into his shoulders, red marks blossoming on his tan skin. “Fuck.. Merle. Move goddamnit. ”

Laughing he began rocking faster, his hands gripping her hips with bruising force. Merle clenched his jaw and his neck muscle strained at the intense sensation of her hot walls sucking him in. “Sugar. How the fuck…” He panted, sweat dripping along his temple, “are you so.. goddamn… tight.”

Sam laughed breathily, her pelvis rising off the bed to meet his snapping hips. He couldn’t figure out what was overwhelming him more, her tight hot walls or the look in her eyes. The deep blue was almost non existent with her blown pupils. A sharp gasp exited her parted lips before every muscle in her lithe frame seized. The tension snapped and Sam came harder than any woman Merle had ever felt. Her walls gripped his dick by the root making him growl like a feral animal. The sounds she was making made his eyes roll back in his head.

“Mother of..” He groaned while plunging as deep as physically possible, his body bowed over her. His jaw snapped shut as brilliant light flashed behind his clenched eyes. Within moments his body released, his cock pulsing and throbbing, every muscle and bone becoming gelatinous.

Blood pounded in his ears as he blinked sweat out of his eyes. Sam was panting, her hooded gaze looking thoroughly satisfied.

“Well fuck.” She muttered letting out a snort. Merle cocked an eyebrow and rasped hoarsely, “Whatcha laughin at.”

“I guess age brings experience yeah?”

Barking out a dry laugh Merle rolled off of her and reached for his cigarettes. “Bes’ not question my prowess again Sugar, I’ll tan that sexy ass.”

Sam’s laugh was a combination of a giggle and a snort. Obnoxiously cute. Merle couldn’t stop from trying to make her do it just to hear it again. He’d never spent much time with a woman after sex, it was a new situation but not unpleasant. They lay together tangled in sheets chatting about nothing and everything.

“I swear t'christ I never seen so much blood come outta a guys nose before.” He chuckled finishing up an anecdote about a bar fight. Sam smirked and crawled over him, straddling his hips. “My big tough redneck.” She purred with a playful glint in her eye. Merle chuckled gripping her face to pull her mouth to his. He twirled his tongue against her, the taste of her sweet mouth filling his.

“Fuck old man you know how to kiss.” She moaned as his mouth trailed along her soft neck.

“Girl ya haven’t even felt these lips between those soft thighs yet..” He drawled, trailing his tongue down the curve of her collarbone. “Got no idea the things I can do to ya.”

“Fuck Merle.” She moaned at the statement, her hips rolling against his. “Show me… Please.”

Muffling a laugh against her chest Merle rasped, “since ya said please.”

Merle woke to the smell of something cooking and the thump of a cabinet door. He wrinkled his brow looking at the mattress to see it empty. Rolling out of bed he pulled on a pair of boxers and tank top before sauntering into the kitchen. Sam was standing at the stove cooking potatoes and some kind of meat. She was wearing his beat up flannel that landed mid thigh and nothing else. He licked his lip at the sight of her bare legs and the memory of what was underneath the worn cotton.

Daryl was sitting at the table his head resting against wall as he watched her cook. Merle cocked an eyebrow and asked, “whatcha cooking? We don’t got shit here.”

She smirked and snarked, “yeah I noticed, you two live on pizza and beer Huh?”

Laughing Merle walked up behind her, his hands sliding along her hips and his chin resting on her shoulder. Looking down he saw she had found some frozen venison and was making a hash with potatoes.

“You had two potatoes and some kind meat. Deer?”

Grunting in response he reached over to grab a piece but she smack his hand with the spoon and snapped, “Hands off old man.”

Daryl snorted and got the stink eye from Merle for it. “Bes stop calling me old man after last night.”

Laughing she bumped him with her hip to reach the cupboard with plates. Sam served them both a pile of meat and hash before giving herself a smaller portion. They sat at the tiny card table eating silently.

“So what’s on the agenda then? Ya skippin town?” Merle asked wiping his hand across his mouth when done. Sam shrugged and mumbled through a mouthful of food, “yeah. S'pose I should high tail it the fuck out of here soon. Words Gonna get back I picked up cash.”

Daryl’s face looked confused but he didn’t ask. Merle rolled his eyes and drawled, “Sam here is on the run.”

Before he could explain the sound of a phone ringing in the living room had Sams fork pause mid bite. Standing up she grabbed her bag, pulling out the black device. Pursing her lips she answered, “ lo”?“

Merle watched her roll her eyes as the person spoke and answer, “I needed a couple days to myself. I picked up and I’ll be back tomorrow night probably.”

There was a long pause while she listened before she snapped, “well I don’t give a fuck. I’m not some goddamn house pet.”

Merle looked at Daryl who asked, “Who she runnin from?”

“Some drug dealer, she fucking rolled Crowley last night for money.”

Daryl’s eyebrows almost touched his hairline at the statement. “Ya just watch?”

“What could I do? She had already punched him and had him at gunpoint.”

“Jesus Merle whatcha getting involved in this shit.”

“You seeing what I’m seeing baby brother? Look at that fucking ass and let me tell ya she knows what to do with those goddamn curves.”

“Yeah I heard.” He muttered finishing his food. Merle chortled at the statement and went back to listening to her. The conversation had cooled off and she was placating the boyfriend, “alright. I’ll call you tonight and be home tomorrow evening.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She muttered hanging up without a goodbye.

Strolling back into the kitchen she sat down and drawled, “well I’m gonna head out soon. Can I get a ride back to my car?”

Merle rode over to the bar with Sam wrapped around him, her hands splayed across his taut stomach. She was drawing small circles along his tshirt making his jeans tighten and groin ache. He didn’t want her to leave yet which was an odd feeling to have since he didn’t give a shit about most people. It had always been him and Daryl against the world and the idea that he wanted more was foreign.

As they pulled up they found that her car was gone and there was a pile of broken glass where her window had been busted out.

“Well fuck.” She muttered climbing off the bike. “That sucks.”

Merle laughed at her bored tone, “could say that again. We reporting it to the cops?”

“Fuck no. It wasn’t even mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“I stole it a few towns over,” she confessed shrugging while pulling out a pack of smokes, “guess I’m looking for a new ride.”

Merle barked out a gruff laugh, taking her offered smoke and drawled, “I’m thinkin’ ya may be trouble, Sugar.”

Sam smirked while exhaling, her lips curled and eyes bright, “You’ve got no fucking idea how right you are, old man.”

#The Walking Dead #twd #twd fanfiction #fanfiction #Merle Dixon #merle x OC #if you want trouble #sweet hereafter #smut #one shot #merry fuckin christmas

[kiki-wiccan]

Eerie and bleak like the way his soul always seemed to feel, the night held within it’s expanse a heavy fog and the formations of morning dew. His nostrils breathed deep, inhaling every trace of a scent in the air. It really did smell different here in the states. Like there was electricity in the air, or perhaps some sort of pathogen that was slowly affecting them all, driving them deeper and deeper into their sedentary lifestyles. He despised nights like this and the groggy, muggy feeling that came along with the humid air. Admittedly it had already left him predisposed towards ignoring and maneuvering around absolutely anyone that crossed his path on his way to the meeting spot. 

As sick as it might sound to someone else, he was looking forward to this; to the moment he would deliver his justice to one of the sick sons of bitches who called Tabula home. Very much the vigilante, Lucent had figured out about a child trafficking ring that was being operated in the shadows. Some new group in town not worth the sweat off the brows of the people who claimed to be in charge of the city. Or maybe it was just that they had been allowing this sort of activity? He couldn’t be sure, but he did know one thing for certain; Anyone doing anything this close to his territory without his explicit permission added their own name on his big bloody list. A list that not a single soul ever should want to be on. This list consisted of people Lucent identified as enemies, threats or otherwise undesirable by his standards. Clinton Beuregard, or as his friends liked to call him ‘Big Beu’ - was one such name. Added to his list long before he ever came to Tabula and now they had finally got the bastard. Snooping around the house of one of the little girls he kidnapped a week before, luckily he and his boys had gotten to the warehouse they were using to distribute the young girls they abducted and shut the entire thing down. Of course, the cops were claiming all the credit and none of the bloodstains as fucking usual. He didn’t give a damn about that though, he wasn’t out to be some kind of hero. He was only out to make sure that nobody in the arms of his new city would ever feel the way he did on the steps of that stranger’s house back when he wasn’t able to even walk. It was his calling in life. To not only give those like himself hope, but a place they could truly call home. 

That’s why he had to do it... and he had to make it personal. This had to be a message for all the sick, sadistic fuckers out there that think they can just do what they want without recourse. There was a new form of order in the town and he believed in dealing justice up close and personal. His head and shoulders weaved in and out of the passersby like the flow of a stream through it’s banks, avoiding even the slightest bit of contact without paying any mind to where he stepped. He came to the randown area that bordered his territory and made his way to the location his boys sent to his cell. Two suppressed USP45′s laid tucked neatly into their holsters beneath the coat of his suit and overtop the NTEC ballistics vest he wore beneath his undershirt. He knew he wouldn’t need the guns unless the other man had one as well, and god did he hope this bastard was as stupid as he was sloppy.  For a split second the tremors racked his body, riding like a wave up the back of his spine until the chills settled into the base of his skull, rolling his neck he nodded.

“Right you fucker, Let’s see how tough you are against someone your own size.” He slid his four leaf clover knuckledusters onto his digits and gave them a wriggle. Then balled his fist so tight he could feel the pads swell and as he approached the front door, he leaned all of his weight into his kick;  slamming the door off it’s hinges and sending the man inside falling backwards out of his chair. The look on his eyes spelled pure fear, unrelenting waves of terror washed over his features in shock, anger and then - there it was - Realization. Next came the bartering.

“Please, please lucky I-I-I I can pay you for th- hrrrrk!” Jet black dress shoes stomped clear on his throat to silence him before delivering a rough kick to his knees. 

“You think this is about money? You stupid fu-” He combed his fingers through his hair and stepped off the man; completely turning his back to him and making a gesture for the man to pick himself up off the floor. “Face it like a man, at least then you can die with a pinch of dignity.”

“You cocky little shi-” The larger man got up and immediately charged, a horrible decision after just being dropped flat and deprived of air. Lucky didn’t so much as flinch, the man made it maybe two or three steps and then collapsed, clutching his side as crimson leaked out from a small stab wound in his side. 

The floored man’s features were falling back into shock, the loss of blood registering inside of his body no doubt. It would be then that the redhead would click his left heel and retract the small blade that protruded from the tip of his shoe. He leaned over the man and picked him up, the man tried to swing at him only to get caught with the curved edge of his Karambit, the talon shaped knife slid right under the mans armpit and dug deep, the gushes of cherry red liquid let him know he hit his mark - The Axillary to Subclavian in a single stab. This man would be dead in a matter of minutes now and would be completely incapable of moving his arm at all. “Where’d you take her? Crawl there. Crawl there and beg me to stop like they all did!” For once he let his emotions boil over, he let them take control for a fraction of a second and everything went black. 

The next thing he saw, was the body underneath him with his blade drove straight into the man’s skull. Then came the sounds of a kitten’s mew and the back door creaking open. Instinctively he let a hand roam to his pistol at it’s holster and slinked back into the darkest corner of the room. The only entrance to this room was off to his right. The body wasn’t moving at all, but still leaking. His heart began to race and already his mind flicked between his options.

Fight or Flight?

Just as he gripped his pistol tighter the figure of a thin young woman emerged, her voice almost altering the atmosphere of the building’s interior. He held his breath as she came in and slowed his heartbeat. She went over and... asked if the body was okay? Then things went from bad to worse. Another set of footsteps began coming towards the room. ‘SHIT! Bastard wasn’t alone afterall. And now there was this woman here... Aggggh. Stuff it. He couldn’t just let the lass get roped up in his affairs like this... least of all when she seemed to be innocent and even taking a fondness to the recently orphaned cat. The kind of person he felt alright with risking his own life for. Not the average run of the mill Tabula Trash, but something... unique. She hid in the closet. Good. He hoped that meant she wouldn’t see what he was about to do to this other figure. He despised it when first impressions were ruined with work. 

This second man came in and walked straight past him in the dark corner, just as the woman had and just as he stepped into view; he moved towards the body and knelt down muttering to himself before growing louder and louder. Then a bonechilling sound wrang out from the closet. The feintest mew of concern from the cat in the woman’s arms. The second man turned to the closet and hollered, raising a pistol of his own to the closet. “WHO THE FUCK’S IN THERE?!? YOU BETTER COME OUT RIGHT FUCKIN’ NOW OR I’M UNLOA-” then two puffs of air and the ring of a suppressor zipped into the back of his skull. Sending red spatters over the closet doors followed by the heavy thud of a second body. 

He tried to think of the best way to put someone at ease after seeing what they just did, but all that came to mind was; “Are you alright, lass? It’s safe now. You can come out... just... give me a sec.” He ran around a bit and found something to throw over the bodies. He made no motions to hide his identity from her at all. After all, who would believe her if she ever tried to put a name to his face? He had connections all over the globe that could make little... mishaps like this disappear. If she would step out of the closet, she would be met with two kind and hopefully comforting eyes. Eyes, that seemed to plead for her forgiveness.

Watching through the crack in the closet door she felt her breath hitch as she observed the figure walking into the room. Staying as still and quiet as possible, praying that the man would leave. However the little kitten in her arms let out a soft mew drawing attention to their hiding spot. Seeing the figure raise his pistol towards them she bites down on her lip. Quickly moving the kitten behind her, if she got shot she wasn’t going to let the kitten die with her.

Bracing herself to feel a bullet piercing her skin at any moment. However to her surprise it never came, instead she heard the sound of splattering and a loud thud as the figures body fell. The room was momentarily silent and Kiki was attempting to process what just happened. It wasn’t until she heard a voice from within the darkness that she realized another person was there. Grabbing her phone she turns on the flashlight and stands up, scooping the kitten up with her free hand. Creaking open the closet door she shone the light on Lucky. Had he saved her? She was still on guard but any fear that had previously been there had faded. Instead replaced with curiousity “Did you save me?....thank you...” glancing around the room she noted that the man must have covered both bodies. “Would you mind telling me what exactly is happening?” She was confused as to why there was a dead body to begin with and if this man had anything to do with it. Obviously he wasn’t with the two murdered men on the ground seeing as he just killed one of them.

#kikiwiccan #trc:kiki #trch:lucky #newfriend?

[samtheflamingomain]

hungry ghost

So I recently got out of rehab for my drinking problem. I'm ~7 days sober.

Overall, I'd give it a D. Points for having a hospital setting feel much less hospital-y and for having the entire Friends DVD collection. Lost points in two areas: the staff and the groups.

Now, before I go into that, let me explain what the nature of this place was all about.

It's called the Withdrawal Management Centre, or Detox. They never said "rehab". When you're first admitted they pat you down, take away your alcohol-based coloring markers because obviously you can get drunk from a marker, and send you into the "observation room".

A 6-bed room with windows so the staff can see you, and odd orange lights that never turn off. Add in one poor soul in opiate withdrawal flailing about all night, and night one was not terribly great for me.

Luckily, I didn't go into withdrawal, and once they realized that, I was admitted into the other half of the building - the "residence".

It had a big TV room, dining room, 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms per gender, and a kitchen where they "cooked" the "food" for us.

Most people stay 5-10 days and then come from 9-5 for 10 days to the "day program". I had enough by the weekend, though, and felt I'd gotten as much out of it as I could. Also I had to work and couldn't afford bussing back and forth from the day program.

And I didn't really get much out of it as it was. It was basically just a hospital stay with mandatory AA meetings across the street twice a day. We did some standard-ass CBT and mindfulness groups, but I'd seen it all before.

AA, however, was something I'd never seen in person. I almost burst into laughter the first time someone went "Hi, I'm Some Person, and I'm an alcoholic" and everyone went "HI, SOME PERSON" in unison. I thought that was an overplayed trope in sitcoms.

While AA was nothing more than a joke to me in its format and "literature" and creepy "12 traditions" and vague mantras pasted across the room. I heard some interesting stories, but I found them very hard to relate to.

Putting all the "surrender to a higher power, work the steps" bullshit beside, I found the meetings to be more like one big pity party than anything else. No, maybe that's too far - maybe more like group therapy. With praying.

And yes, there is praying, they say the Lord's prayer and reference god several times in their opening spiel that's the same 10 minutes of indoctrination every time.

If it works for you, great. But there's a lot of bullshit in the concept that just isn't true. It claims to be "the only way" to treat alcoholism. That if you can't quit it's because you're not doing the 12 steps.

It's a fuckin' cult, don't try to tell me it's not. It is a religious group, and I don't think it should be a part of treating alcoholism.

Anyway, to get back to my stay, I realized I was done when the facilitator of one of the groups said "you have to be 100% abstinent or you'll relapse completely." I simply don't agree with that statement, and I didn't plan on being completely sober, never to drink again a day in my life. And that's what this program was based upon.

The only thing I found remotely helpful was a TED Talk. The speaker brings up the Buddhist concept of the Hungry Ghost: a malnourished figure with a giant, empty stomach and a tiny mouth. And that really hit me.

I had never been a fan of the phrase "One is too many, a thousand is never enough" because, to me, it seems like a "slippery slope" fallacy. But if I think about it, it really explains my (and many addicts') problem.

I'm a hungry ghost - I feel starved, but my mouth is too small to fill my stomach. Nothing is ever enough to fill it. I could always be drunker or higher, and that would be better, but it wouldn't be enough.

But, I’m still much better off than I was before, so it wasn’t all for nothing. We’ll see how the next few weeks go.

Stay Greater

#rehab #detox #hospital #alcoholism #sam

[indie-struggle]

Books and Reading

There are a few books out there, any screenwriter/filmmaker has searched for them, but, often a few come to mind when thinking of how to deal with two major things that are vital to telling stories: structure, plotting, and formatting. I say two because between those three things, one is always flexible. For every film I can name that follows the go-to formulaic approach of every aspiring, big-money making screenwriter, I can name 15 that don't follow typical structure, plotting or were written on a napkin with a stain on it; that have substance and longevity for cinema. I don't name drop, so I'm only going to give the titles and important information about the book (which is name dropping). When I think back to the start of my long filmmaking journey to the small innertube I'm floating on now, a couple of books come to mind that I came across far too late. So, I'd like to give them to you in hopes they reach someone sooner rather than later-- assuming you're a young, or maybe old, aspiring filmmaker or writer. There are things about aspiring filmmakers that people often forget or simply don't care about (I forget which is predominant). They're impressionable, they don't like to read, they feel watching movies and imitation is the shortcut to the promise land and there is no real need to understand how the engine was built, what parts were used, or even who put it together: all they care about is ideas they have in their head with no real direction and that the engine runs. Think about this for a moment as you ponder how much you hate reading even this. Every filmmaker that has made anything worth a damn; with meaning, has read and seen more movies than you would believe. Now, if you think you can achieve what you want without even attempting that, stop reading here and go do your thing. And so, you're serious about filmmaking. You've searched everywhere and you cannot find anyone who is as motivated about filmmaking as you are, and everything you read you don't like because it doesn't fit your sensibilities, you don't understand it, or just fuck everyone else you're a jack of all trades and don't know what to do. Does any of that sound familiar? Well, it isn't unique and you're not alone, so: Your Screenplay Sucks! - This book is looked over by many, and by many I mean the people in Starbucks and places like fuckin' reddit (which are really the same thing). It doesn't matter who wrote it, what matters is the material inside that is invaluable to an aspiring screenwriter. Why? Because the formatting tips. That's it. That's all. Formatting. You don't know it, you need to know it. This is A-to-B on how to do just that, ignore all the other stuff because it's subjective fluff, but the format information in this book is no where else-- not even in the screenwriter's bible-- not even in scripts you read, because every script you read, while they have sluglines and exposition, they are still different. They are all different. No two scripts are written the same, they may use the same margin and slugs (some don't), but the grammar used, the notes, and camera shots all make them unique in regards to format. The formatting that you must know before writing should be taken from this book (before you even start reading scripts). Why? Because without understanding the general foundation of formatting, you can misinterpret scripts by professionals as the common way of writing which is incorrect and could cause damage that may take you years to reverse. Writer/Director's write scripts much differently than career screenwriters. This is fact. So, if you don't know dick about formatting and you scratch and worm the internet for tips and easy tricks about formatting, but all you get is contradicting answers-- start here. Don't rely on a program to do the job, either. Start with this book. It's an easy read, the guy is nice (even if the title isn't), and trust me, the formatting in the book is 100% accurate and regardless of what any other screenwriter tells you, the foundations of formatting never changes. You can take Citizen Kane and read it, and then read your favorite space movie, and the only thing you're going to notice is that the exposition is longer or shorter. That's it. Start here. Story - The book says it all. There's a lot of mixed feelings about it, but who cares; it's a must read. Why? Because the writer has studied storytelling structure of film, both foreign and domestic. The hardest part of this book for you depends on your film history. If your film history starts with Star Wars or She Got Game, you're going to find this read difficult. However, if you're serious about writing that won't discourage you and you'll get the points. A lot of books use their own jargon, their own languages that are often repeated by shitty writers, like "character arc" (good writers never use words like "arc intelligence" or "central character space")-- this book has that, but in a language which has already been used because he stole it from Hitchcock's writers and Billy Wilder; Plot methods, good vs sad vs neutral endings, and want vs needs and blocks (and all the other things writers know about, like reversals (acts)). The only difference between his jargon and some you may of heard on a podcast, is he puts them in a manner which you can relate directly with: the level of conflict that's vital to your story. There are also comparisons that he uses in regards to "classic" films and why they're significant in the world of storytelling. This book is a bit advanced if you're just starting out, and something may go over your head, but that's okay. You can always re-read it. Don't be afraid to read. You will learn valuable film-storytelling tools from this book. One thing I must stress is that a lot of people misinterpret the way he writes and what he says as being make or break/mustn't do, when it isn't. The man is passionate about good stories, foreign, domestic, commercial, it doesn't matter. And if you read it with this in mind, that he wants substance not more garbage from the garbage factory, you will understand that when something is said like, "Don't you dare use voice over in your story," he is talking about a level of story which relies solely on narration to spoonfeed rather than tell with pictures, which is a sin in cinema. I suggest you read this only after you've watched at least these films: 400 Blows, Chinatown, Kagemusha, Tokyo Story, Barton Fink, Weekend, Through a Glass Darkly, La Dolce Vita, and Casablanca. If you have not seen those films, you will only have limited perspective. On Directing Film - This book's title is misleading. It isn't only on direction, in fact, if you haven't figure it out by now, I hate reading how-to books, I'd much rather read actual stories (novels and scripts). But, this book has a special place in my heart. I don't care for David Mamet's films, personally. I find them stagnant and wordy, but the man is a master at writing and there is simply no denying that. He may not have anything to say in his goal to entertain people with impressive dialogue and plotting, but he has a lot of important things to say about how to go about doing what you want to do. He understands story, and he understands that different people like different stories, and they can be and tell what they want to tell, for whatever reason they want to: money, art, poetry, morals, existential philosophy on life, or even how to bore people. He knows it, and he tells this in the book. Those important lessons of storytelling and why they're approached the way they are is important to storytelling, and that is what writer and filmmakers do. It isn't for everyone, but I found it valuable because it gave me peace of mind. It made me realize that I can do what I want to do and who gives a shit if I fail, at least I tried and I'm truckin' on-- which is more than most ever do because most give up. This book can give you that reassurance, too. And since it isn't complicated or a hard read (which other books he has written most certainly are), it is worth reading even if you have zero interest in directing. It's about storytelling and what it's like to tell a story, which is what this is all about. Save the Cat (alternative) - I was asked once during an interview at Dreamworks (this isn't a joke), how I felt about this book. I told the executive that I hated it. It was formulaic and everything wrong with film today, it encourages a cinema with no heart which isn't cinema at all, and it is an insult to everything I stand for and it teaches filmmakers that film is just a machine and this is the only oil to grease that machine (I didn't think I was getting the job anyway, so I was blunt about it). I worked for them for a couple years as a ghost writer as a result, and then I was fired. Now, that's for a different time and my opinions on this book, just like the others, belong to me. Some people swear by this book-- swear by it. I often read this in these exact words, "If you want to be successful in this industry and make it your career and make money, you must have this book in your back pocket at all times," (which is also said about the book "Movies for fun and Profit") Fuck those people. Those types of people wouldn't make films if there were no money in it, and that's the exact poison which is killing the art in cinema, the personalization of cinema, and the heart of cinema. It's that consume and disposal: eat, and then throw in the gutter that kills but does not grow. Ignore those people and you'll be saved a lot of grief-- nobody knows what makes a film "successful" or how to crowbar your way in without nepotism. These people are liars. This book teaches you how to make a protagonist lovable (hence the title), how to write sentimentally (not sentiment), and why the audience is important (for money). It is filled with familiar, inescapable jargon that is used by screenwriter slash how-to novelists. I'm biased about this book as you can tell, I do not hide it. I get nothing from it other than the overwhelming feeling that I, as an artist, must aim to be a player without integrity because the audience is the only thing that matters, money is my god, it is only an industry, blah-blah-blah fuck everyone else-- do this-this and this and collect your fat paycheck. You may have a different opinion, though, which is completely fine. As I said, some people swear by the book and you may be one of those people. But, you have to read it for yourself to find out. I will give it one thing: read Story and this, and you will have all sides covered when a producer asks, "Hey, have you read this, which do you like better and why?" On Writing Well (alternative) - Not going into a long description about this because my fingers are tired and this is way longer than I wanted it to be. This book has to do with novels; it teaches you how to edit; how to get rid of the bullshit and be concise. Concision is important. This book has that. It is written concisely, proving its importance and giving actual examples, too. It's old, but its points remain and it may help you with your exposition abilities, who knows. It isn't always necessary to say, "John is exquisitely handsome, extraordinarily round around the hips, and whistles profusely while he ethereally walks, and he's twenty years of age." I fell asleep writing that. If you want to learn how to cut, this book might help. It also reassures you to be personal with your work, "John, twenties, is fat and black, and he stutters." Who the fuck am I to give you this advice? No one. I am no one at all. But, these books may help you, and if there are other people out there helping you you probably don't need to be reading my advice. If you want to write, if you want to make films you have to read, you should read, and you must read. Read-read-read-read-read-read (as Herzog said). I know, it's a pain, it's a bore, it's all of those things that you don't have time between work and smokin' weed for, but you have to do it. It's the secret. You must do it. Not just scripts, either. Let me tell you a secret about reading scripts: you'll get to the point where you'll fall in love with the aesthetics of how words look on a page rather than story, and you'll completely forget about story, which is the only damn important thing. You'll imitate instead of innovate, which is what you started for. Reading scripts is good to learn, but once you've read 25, if you're not reading them simply to dissect why a scene worked a certain way or merely out of interest of the writer's way of writing it, or to do coverage for an asshole boss, you're wasting your time. You can read the same 5 scripts over and over and learn everything any script will have to offer you as a writer. You must read, though, everything: novels, screenplays, magazine articles, old news articles from masters you never knew wrote for a newspaper (Vonnegut). Read. There is no other way and all the behind the scenes DVD featurettes in the world aren't going to replace one masterly written book. Reading is the only way you will learn about good story, and good story is the only thing you should be interested in if you're a filmmaker or screenwriter.

Up next: Why the grammar correctness that should be good ain't that presently common, and how to write dialogue. screenwriting, writing, filmmaking, film making, film-making

#screenwriting #books #filmmaking #film-making