#i need them to have a very heartwrenching conversation but i cannot do it. only shitpost.

[pestilentbrood]

ok no more divorcees. i'm done now. i got it out of my system

beep o

#clamart #flight rising #//dragon: patience #//dragon: crimson #i need them to have a very heartwrenching conversation but i cannot do it. only shitpost. #it's 1am sorry. runs away

[kakashiofkonoha]

NGL............I love the idea of Naruto and Sasuke's relationship developing in the fake dating au and a gossip magazine follows them for a while and takes photos and is like "Sasuke Uchiha playboy to the stars?!?!?"

Naruto having awkward family dinners with his parents too hopeful eyes. And Itachi crying and asking him if Sasuke has to get tested and Sasuke the virgin is standing there like "this is very cool. I'm having a fun time"

Nejisasu fake dating AU pt1 pt2 pt3

a brief summary for everyone who hasn't read the rest:

In this au the uchiha are still alive. Neji and Sasuke started fake dating to piss off their clans, and all of konoha was living for the drama. In the end Fugaku and Hiashi drew up a marriage contract for them, and they both went with it. In pt2 we have Naruto being jealous and slowly realizing that he has a crush on Sasuke.

Oh but can you imagine the drama? It wouldn't even be fun drama, it would just be sad. Poor naruto is not in on the joke and thinks Sasuke is in a relationship now. So he has no chance with him! But he loves him so much ...

Naruto is speedrunning through his gay awakening, gay depression, gay yearning and gay self loathing in like, one week.There are nights where he's crying with a bucket full of ramen on the couch. That's how bad it is.

The day that Sasuke breaks the news to team 7,

"Guess what everyone!Neji and I are getting married!"

Naruto still doesn't know that it's all fake. His face just crumbles and he can't hide how crestfallen he is. Naruto, who always wears his heart on his sleeve, with his big expressive eyes ...

Naruto starts crying and runs. Just runs into the woods behind the training field, because now everything is over, sasuke is getting married, and Naruto is going to be alone forever, just like he's always been-

Kakashi, who actually is in on the whole thing and just sees the big fuck up they have on their hands now, urges sasuke to go after him.

So Sasuke follows Naruto, to ask him what's wrong, and why are you crying dobe???

What follows is a panicked and heartwrenching confession from Naruto. He tells Sasuke that he loves him, has loved him for a long time, and that he is so so sorry for ruining their friendship like that because he knows that Sasuke is married, and he completely understands if sasuke doesn't want anything to do with him after this and-

Sasuke makes use of the only way he knows how to shut Naruto up: he kisses him. Oh, it's magical. And it feels so right.

He explains everything to Naruto. no, he isnt actually in a relationship with Neji, and yes, he is officially married but it's more of a marriage of friendship and political convenience than anything else. He doesn't feel anything romantic for Neji. But he does for Naruto, promise. And he's so sorry for hurting Naruto this way.

And because Neji and Sasuke both agreed to an open marriage (they're not going to ruin their love lifes for a damn prank), Naruto and Sasuke get together. Sasuke , of course, still wants to stir shit up, so he has no intention of keeping his new boyfriend secret.

'discreet'? Sasuke Uchiha doesn't know that word. And let's be real, naruto couldn't be in a secret relationship even if he tried.

So they go on public dates, hold hands and everything, kiss right in the market square- and the gossip mill goes absolutely crazy.

Sometimes all three of them are seen together, and people are picking their jaws off the floor- a threeway relationship?

Sasuke gains quite the reputation as a playboy, proudly flaunting his husband and boyfriend in public. The more conservative members of the community are outraged of course, because that's infidelity! he's whoring around where his husband can see!

But Sasuke actually thinks it's hilarious, and Naruto cannot resist a good prank. Neji makes a point of showing bis approval of the relationship by inserting himself in their public appearances, so people cannot put him into the shameful and pitiful position of being cheated on. It's all going perfectly.

Their families though... Naruto has a hard time gaining their approval at first. The dinners with the Uchiha family are awkward, to say the least. But in the end, who could resist Naruto's sunshine personality and disarming smile?

Fugaku knows this will be much work for him, and he anticipates the yelling matches he's going to have with Hiashi over this with dread. His son is such a headache sometimes.

Itachi is having a bit of a crisis. He doesn't take well to people calling his baby brother a playboy , or worse, a whore. The conservatives of konoha suddenly find themselves with the most curious afflictions: from indigestion from poisoned food to genjutsu induced nightmares.

But he also tries to be a responsible brother, and pulls sasuke aside one day. He tells Sasuke that if he is going to be so... active, he should please use protection, and go to a medic to let himself and his partners get tested for diseases, and what does he know about consent, does he need any help or information?

the awkwardness... They're both read like tomatoes throughout the whole conversation. Sasuke barely gets a word out before he flees out of the room. In hindsight though, he thinks it's all absolutely funny, and also kind of sweet of his brother.

@depressedhatakekakashi we are moving steadily into sns territory lmao

#jjajsjsjsjsjjs i wish i could've written this more elaborately #i don't actually like this summary style of writing where you just say like 'and then this happens' #but it's appropriate for a post like this i think. like it's only the outline of an au and not a full blown fic so it's fine i guess #still hope you can read it without cringing at the style #sns #nejisasu #sasuneji #fake dating au

[perkynurples]

HOW did the lan bros ever reconcile the whole "did you really fight 30+ of our esteemed clan members & break so, so many lan principles?" "did you really stand up at the pledging & swear along with the others to kill wei ying?" THING? like... jiang cheng got a decade-plus to sort out his feelings on his own (yes, he's super traumatized, but this is a lan bros ask. Yunmeng bros reconciliation is its own deal). The lan bros had to look at each other (and AFTER each other) that entire time like HOW

oh they absolutely understood what the other one was about

and to drive that point home, I first gotta refer all of you to: THIS POST by @baoshan-sanren that explains the difference between an individualist and collectivist society, and THIS ONE by @acutebird-fics that talks about LXC’s motivations re: LWJ’s punishment

Basically, LXC knew from day one that a) LWJ was hopeless for WWX and b) that WWX would be trouble, there was just absolutely no guessing how much trouble. There’s a lovely conversation they have about halfway through everything unfolding, when LWJ asks him something along the lines of ‘are there set rules for everything in the world?’ and LXC basically goes ‘look, I thought so too, but then I did A LOT of reading from the one source everyone always told me would have all the answers (aka all the Gusu texts), and turns out... yeah, not so much. Can’t predict EVERYTHING.’.

And this really just precedes everything LWJ goes through because of WWX, on his behalf, and it also explains why LXC never once falters from his side. Is he heartbroken to see LWJ like this, sacrificing so much for the person he loves the most but is incapable of saving? God damn, of course. Is he appropriately horrified, watching him stand against the elders of their own clan? UH-HUH. Is he maybe the one to finally gently knock Wangji out when he won’t stop attacking, apologizing all the way but absolutely determined that this can’t go on any longer? ...I just thought of this and made myself sad, so who knows.

But like, he understands. He’s never shown disparaging LWJ for his choices. He is shown trying and failing to get through to WWX and explain to him that certain people care about him, and if he could please think for one second about those people’s feelings. He wants to protect Wangji with everything he’s got, but he also knows he ultimately has to let him make his own choices, and can’t really save him from the fallout of those.

And true, we never really get to see how LWJ reacts post-punishment, we never get those sweet sweet Twin Jades talks we so deserve, but. LWJ absolutely understands LXC’s choices, too. Because his are his own, and he wouldn’t dream of asking his Sect Leader of a brother to follow him and WWX down that single plank bridge, ever.

And besides, by the time he’s standing up against those sect elders, we’ve been afforded the luxury of his and WWX’s POV for ages, we sympathize. However, if you look at it from literally any other point of view, he’s chosen to defend a mass murderer and a guy who’s disrupted the very fabric of what that culture believes to be right, against his own damn family. It’s romantic for us, because we’re supposed to see it that way, but holy shit, dude. Like, from the point of view of someone raised in an individualistic society, of course it’s brave and heartwrenching and ultimately amazing, what both LWJ and especially WWX do, but when you take the time and learn a little bit about just how big of an issue disrespecting the dead like that is to that culture (I can’t claim to be an expert, others would have to take over here), you realize, okay, wow. This is kind of a big deal. 

As to why LXC went along with LWJ’s punishment in the wake of all that? I refer you to the posts linked at the top, they’re both very important to this part of the discussion. It’s honestly doing the characters a bit of a disservice, not considering other angles and points of view, but to get back to the point of this ask and answer, fics where LWJ goes around actively hating LXC in the wake of all that do not sit well with me - like, he is aware which hill he’s chosen to die on, so to speak. Does he regret it? Abso-fuckin-lutely not. Is he going to accept the punishment anyway? Yeah. Is he going to understand that LXC did what was in his power to support him when it mattered, but ultimately had an entire sect to think of? Come on, of course.

In a perfect selfish individualistic move, LXC could have said fuck it and stood by LWJ’s side, refused the punishment the elders came up with, et cetera. Hell, we could spend ages speculating about what would have happened differently if he’d, say, sheltered the Wen, or even spoken out a bit more loudly in their favor. But we absolutely cannot take these characters and regard them outside their circumstances, outside their responsibilities and duties. WWX makes breaking the rules look easy, LWJ suffers for it but it’s ultimately framed as this grand romantic dramatic thing. LXC does his damnedest to keep his sect afloat while also being scared shitless for his little brother, probably, but we are not afforded the luxury of that POV, now are we.

In conclusion, I don’t think for a second that these two could ever hate each other, or look at each other and suddenly not recognize who the other one’s become. Unlike JC and WWX, these two don’t have any secrets in front of each other. They don’t feel the need to keep any, because the other one knows them as well as he knows his own heartbeat. They don’t fall into the good old ‘I’m going to protect you and not tell you about it and never talk about our feelings and it’ll work out somehow’ emotionally repressive grooves. Of course they have their issues, and of course Wangji probably resents everyone who tries to talk some sense into him immediately after WWX’s death, but this is Xichen we’re talking about. Wangji cried in front of him and only him when they were little kids, and he can cry in front of him now, only half because of the bandages Xichen is changing on his back.

Even after everything, especially after everything, there just simply isn’t a place for hating their brother in either of their hearts, is the point I’m trying to make, I guess.

#lan wangji #lan xichen #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #hey how THE HELL did this turn into another meta #it's bc I can't shut up about the twin jades in relation to each other #but especially can't keep my mouth shut about LXC to NOBODY'S surprise #lxc #lwj #twin jades #my meta #Anonymous

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 119

Insight into the writing process for the last.... Sixtyish? chapters of this story: @baelpenrose and I have a couple days a week set aside where we hop into the shared documents for our various projects, and we will work on one chapter for me and one chapter for Bael, while the other is either on the phone or in a chat, riffing away.  It’s super interactive, usually fun, and sometimes heartwrenching.

Due to scheduling conflicts with the holidays and living on opposite coasts, we weren’t able to ‘live-beta’ this chapter, unfortunately. However, our wonderful friend @charlylimph-blog stepped in to work with me on this chapter.  Real-Charly is arguable more of a delight than fictional-Charly, so...

HUGE warning for your ribs hurting. Please consume this chapter responsibly.

(Also: Shoutout to @zommbiebro, as always, for Jokul.)

“Arrows are better for distance though!” Charly insisted as she, Tyche, and I headed to the gym for a workout.  After spending the day figuring out schedules for meeting with my new mentees and deciding what they can and cannot be privy to just yet, Tyche and I had plenty of pent up frustration and energy to get out, and Charly was always willing to come spar with us.

We had the weirdest concept of a girls’ night, in retrospect, but it worked for us.

“If I’m that far away from them, I’ll run or hide or both,” Tyche waved off the objection. “Besides, I can set snares for hunting, so really a knife is much better. Very all-purpose.”

“Hand knives are usually not balanced for throwing though,” I pointed out. “There’s a lot of compensation going on with that.”

Tyche flicked a small dagger out of, apparently, the ether and started flipping it through her fingers. “This one does both, and very well. I should know.” Smirking, she held it out, handle-first for Charly to inspect.

With a comically grudging sigh, she took it before inspecting it closely.  Balancing it across one finger, she jiggled it slightly. “The center is still half an inch toward the handle,” she grumbled before handing it back.

Tyche grinned sunnily. “I knew you’d like it!”

“I still have all ten toes, so I’m going to assume you don’t have that out for me,” a sardonic voice intoned, interrupting our conversation. We turned around to see Arthur, Jokul, and Ivan behind us. “Three way spar today?” Arthur asked, nodding at Charly.

“Weights and hand-to-hand,” I confirmed.

“Someone’s stressed.” His eyebrows lifted in slight surprise.

I nodded before eyeballing the other two men. “What about y’all? Don’t you normally spar with Conor if you want a third?”

“They want to work on grappling and wrestling techniques today,” Ivan smiled and waved. “So, first we’re going to show cutie-pie here the basics, then we’ll show Conor.” He elbowed Jokul jokingly.

Jokul looked down and shuffled his feet.  It was almost cute.  Clearing his throat, he looked up and very pointedly looked at me and Tyche, but not Charly. “Grappling is a gap in my defense,” he confessed. “Even Conor is better at it, for all that he lacks technique.”

“Oh, Ivan can definitely help you with that,” Charly confirmed, ignoring being ignored. “He taught me how. He’s an excellent teacher. No offense, Mr. Farro.”

Arthur smirked and assured her, “None taken.”

Oddly, Jokul seemed to pale as he glanced down at Ivan. “You know each other?” he asked with barely-concealed panic.

“Oh, absolutely,” Ivan agreed, to Jokul’s apparent horror. Thankfully, the taller man was standing slightly behind his partner and couldn’t see his expression. “When she found out I’m a blacksmith, she practically demanded that I make her something for kettle corn. She had all the designs drawn up and everything. It was really cool.”

Tyche and I glanced at each other as the final piece clicked. This is the man responsible for the whirlypop.

Charly nodded enthusiastically. “Yep! And then one night, we got drunk, someone dared us to wrestle, and -“

“And she won,” Ivan cut off, winking at Charly. “The less said about that the better. Someone here fights dirty!”

“Did she bite you, too?” Arthur asked, more curious than sympathetic.

Charly, Tyche, and I all three automatically shouted in unison, “THAT WAS ONE TIME!”

“Wait, she bit you?” Ivan asked Arthur, eyebrows rocketing upwards. Arthur shook his head before gesturing toward Jokul. Ivan turned, finally, to his partner. “You!? What did you do to make her bite you, mister?”  His scolding tone gave me second hand embarrassment as I watched Jokul turn practically neon red.

“There was… a misunderstanding.” Jokul stammered out. “Of sorts. It was before, when I had… issues, with Councilor Reid, and Ms. Harper pushed her out of the way, and - “

“Okay, I get it,” Ivan cut him off mercifully. “You took a swing at her friend, she took the hit, then she bit you.” Gently stroking Jokul’s hair, he made reassuring noises. “It’s okay. I swear she’s not that scary.  She only bites in emergencies.”

“Or for fun,” Charly chimed in.

“Or for fun, with consent,” Ivan added. “I’ve sparred with her loads of times and she never bit me in the process.”

All I could do was nod in agreement, while Tyche pointed at herself and did the same.

“To be fair, it was a real fight and you’re twice my size. I wanted to get your focus off Sophia and end the fight. So, overwhelming force,” Charly pointed out.  Slowly, she walked over to Jokul, eyes glued on his reaction the entire time. “But, we’re friends now, right? Ate lunch together and everything? Well, you ate Sophia’s lunch and I ate mine, but still.”

Jokul squinted at her skeptically, nodding slowly.

Arthur patted him roughly on the back. “I know, it takes getting used to.  Generally she uses her chaotic necromancy for good, though.”

“No necromancy in the house!” Tyche gasped, jokingly swatting Charly on the arm. “We talked about this.”

“But how am I supposed to find my cleaning supplies!? I don’t want to carry them all over the ship!”

“Store them next to the mustaches and the popcorn?”

“Those are kept next to the reanimated corpse of the Elder God in the basement,” Charly sighed. “I guess I’ll need new ones.”

“New mustaches?”

“New corpses.”

“Is she like this all the time?” Jokul asked, panic melting into confusion as he glanced between Arthur and Ivan. “Mustaches… a basement?”

“You get used to it, cutie,” Ivan chuckled.

Arthur nodded. “And there are far more otters and boba tea involved than biting, I’ve found.”

“Otters? Tea?” The confusion devolved into complete bewilderment.

I explained Charly’s pranking tendencies, including hacking the settings on Arthur’s datapad. “And sparkly pens,” I added, making Arthur groan.

“They were pink!” he cried, throwing his hands in the air dramatically. “Of all the colors! Pink!”

Jokul arched an eyebrow at Arthur’s antics, looking more like his normal, imperious self. “Miss Harper. Please tell me more about the boba tea and otters portion of this. I do believe we could negotiate a truce.”

“Jokul, those were pranks she played on people,” I warned him.

He waved a hand at me. “I want to see what is necessary to get polar bear cubs,” he insisted before dangling an offer that made me groan: “I will teach you to throw axes.”

Charly cackled with glee as she hooked her arm through his. “Why, Mr. Bjornson! I believe this may be the start of a beautiful friendship!  Throw in a sparring match or two and you shall have all the baby polar bears you could dream of.”

“Heeee’s doomed,” Arthur pronounced, not even bothering to be quiet about it. “He’s negotiating with a chaos entity who is quite likely from another dimension. He. Is. Toast.”

“Yep,” Ivan, Tyche, and I agreed in unison.

“And Charly is going to learn how to throw an axe,” I pointed out.

A round of collective sighs preceded another “Yep.”

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#the miys #humans are weird #humans are space orcs #found family #original science fiction #learning to write #aliens #apocalypse #earth is space australia #learning to live #humans are space fae #humans are awesome #humans are strange #hfy #weapons

[amythecinnabunny]

71 and 100 Julie and Luke

71. Twenty-Four Hours to Live  

100. Accidentally Saving the Day   

You really would like to kill the fandom and me wouldn't you???? I tried so hard to make it jukebox specific but the whole band + Willie are so closely entwined with each other its nearly impossible akxbjsbsbs

So I'm thinking canon-verse? But a year later or less. I think more than a year would get a little awkward as Julie would surpass 17 in a year's time.

All our current problems and issues are resolved by this point. Ray, Carlos and Tia Victoria have met the band. Possibly Carrie too. The Bobby/Trevor debacle is dealt with. Caleb is deslth with (he's not dead(er) he's just keeping to the HGC). Julie and Carrie have since mended their friendship. Jukebox and Williex are official now. Possibly Flarrie too, maybe Kaylie. Maybe Nick/Flynn. Maybe Carricklynn. Maybe Nick/Reggie. Who knows, anything is possible. Julie can see but not touch Willie -- but he others can't see him at all.

The band has made it big by now. They're the latest and greatest. Almost everyone is talking about Julie and the Phantoms. By now, articles and posts refer to them as legends.

Julie's looking at colleges now and it's kinda settling in that Julie's growing up. In a year, she'll be done with high school and going off to college, something the boys never even had the change to do. So that angsty conversation's gonna happen.

But then things start to get weird. Sometimes, Julie will pass through the boys but they won't immediately notice. Or they'll be talking to someone other that Julie and they'll sort of flicker. Not physically or anything its just that to the other person, they're flickering.

Oh yeah, for this, I'm gonna go with the more they play with Julie, the more human-like they get and by the end of the year gap, they're visible full-time, just not always tangible to people other than Julie. They can still do their gimmick cause the whole visible thing is on command. So you can bet your ass Luke vanished on the spot when Ray asked about jukebox.

The strange thing is . . . It's happening with Willie too. Sometimes Willie's hand will go right through Alex's. Sometimes he and Reggie are playing video games with Carlos and then both of them see Reggie flickering and Reggie, of course, doesn't notice

One evening, after a late night gig, Julie and the boys gather on one couch to watch the local 24/7 news together and see them hit the highlights on a recap. The newscaster??? newsreader??? wtf do you call em? anyway the presenter brings them up near midnight and calls them Los Angeles' most beloved legends.

Midnight on the dot, the boys get these circles on their wrists. Like tattoos. A stamp. Just a thick black ring. They're all confused about it and they check Julie's wrist for a ring -- maybe it's a magic band thing? -- but Julie's wrists are free of any black circles.

They're so confused, they spend all night thinking about it. Julie doesn't even sleep. She calls Flynn about it. She calls Carrie about it. She even talks to Carlos until he gets tired. Alex brings Willie over to talk about it. They're all so baffled that they don't notice it changing until dawn-ish.

Willie's the one to notice Alex's. A quarter of the ring is missing. Julie grabs Luke's wrist and compares it to Reggie's before scrambling over each other to put their wrists next to Alex's. All still identical, with about a quarter of it missing.

"It looks like a countdown."

"What happens when it counts down to the end?"

Silence

Willie says he'll ask around the HGC. Yes, Caleb is safe to visit. His ass has been kicked and it's mostly embarrassment that keeps him holed up when he's not performing or practicing.

Reggie shrugs it off, saying he and Carlos have a date with Destiny. Destiny 2, to be specific. Alex also shrugs it aside, he has a Dirty Candy rehearsal to crash and he's not about to miss it. (The running lie is that the boys visit Julie after every gig. Maybe Kayla knows the truth too. Idk it's small details, up to the author that would like to decimate me by writing this)

That leaves Luke and Julie alone together. Julie can't get it out of her mind. If it's a countdown, what's it counting down to? What happens at the end?

Luke tries to take her mind off it with some songwriting after she gets breakfast, maybe practicing a little together. They even write a little bit of a duet together. Luke keeps Julie entertained for a full four hours, amid which Alex returned and chose to go and watch Reggie and Carlos completely lose track of time.

Julie takes an hour-long nap, leaving Luke to stare at the ring on his wrist and wonder why it's nearly a half circle now.

Willie pops into the studio in a frenzied panic, Reggie and Alex in tow. Luke is so startled, he nearly drops the acoustic. The clatter wakes Julie. Willie looks almost apologetic when he notices her.

Julie asks him what he found out as Luke sits next to her and helps her move her hair from her face. Willie struggles to explain. He's half hoping that maybe, if he doesn't say it aloud, it won't be true. He says it's a clock. It's twenty four hours.

Reggie is the one who asks what happens at the final hour. Willie doesn't answer for a long while. He just holds Alex's hand tight.

At the same time, Willie's hand drops as if he hadn't been holding on to anything and Luke's arm passes right through Julie. The boys flicker before Julie and Willie and it lasts nearly ten seconds.

It slowly dawns on them. No one wants to say it.

"They cross over," Julie whispers when the silence gets heavier than the revelation. Willie only nods. The silence in the garage weighs on them almost visibly.

They look at their wrists, almost half circles.

"So we have about twelve hours left," Alex says. "Maybe we can figure out a way to stop it."

Willie reaches for Alex's hand again. "I asked. There's no way to stop it. Once your unfinished business is complete, you have twenty four hours before you're gone from here. Gone for good."

Luke is adamant there's a way to stop it. His arm tightens around Julie, like she's the one leaving. He hates the defeated look in Willie's eyes. He hates that even in the back of his own mind, there's a voice telling him to get his affairs in order before he dies for the second time.

By the time Reggie determinedly states that there has to be a way to stop it and that they will figure it out, the marks have become perfect half-circles. There are only twelve hours left.

I don't wanna think too hard about it because I don't need to cry at 10pm, but there will be a lot of sad but sweet jukebox moments in between it all.

By the time there's only a third of the ring left, they've started losing hope. They haven't found a single ghost who has any idea how to help. The internet has been very unhelpful. There was a group of wiccans who tried to help but they suggested a spell that didn't look very authentic and it also involved sacrificing a goat at midnight and well, they didn't have until midnight. Still, the wiccans were very sympathetic and wished them well.

They didn't know how to tell the rest about this and they didn't have any idea how to say goodbye to each other. It felt like they were trying to say goodbye to a piece of themselves, the the most important part of themselves.

At the three-quarter mark, Reggie quietly tells Alex and Luke that they ought to spend some time alone with Willie and Julie. If Reggie/Nick or Reggie/Flynn is a thing for this, then Reggie would spend some time alone with them. If not, probably Ray and Carlos.

Cue the most heartwrenching conversation you have ever read in your life, ending with the worlds most grief-filled kiss. I'd get into it but like I said up there, I cannot afford to start crying now.

It's a thin black strip when they get together in the studio. Reggie's partner would be there too if he has one. If not, it's just the band + Willie.

Willie hasn't let go of Alex for over an hour, but now, when the mark is a nearly invisible line, he nudges Alex forward, towards Julie and Luke.

"Band circle?" Luke tries to joke. It only makes their tears fall faster.

Reminiscent of the hug they shared when Caleb's stamp lifted, the four of them try as hard as they can to hug each other as tightly as possible. Willie thinks to himself that he feels strange not being the last person to hold Alex, but it feels like for his band to be the last people to hold him.

None of them are very co-ordinated outside of music related things and just like the night a year ago, they tumble to the ground when someone stands on someone's foot and someone leans a little too much in one direction.

Willie can't help the laugh. It's just so them to be so undignified even in their last moments. He can't even see any of their marks anymore. The only reason he knows it must still be there is because the boys are this there. They knock the radio down and it starts playing the last inserted CD. Willie joins them on the ground and lays his head on Alex's chest as Now or Never fills the studio. --like we'll live forever, but live it like it's now or never

Julie, from between Luke and Reggie, reaches over to grab Alex's hoodie, just so she can be holding on to all of them when it happens. "I love you guys so much."

Luke kisses her forehead. There is a chorus of, "I love you too, Julie." Willie and Alex quietly share another set of "I love you"s.

Julie has long since gotten used to laying her head on Luke's chest and hearing nothing, but the silence behind the old song is nearly deafening. It just serves as a reminder than this is the last time she will ever see or touch Luke or Alex or Reggie again. She wraps her other arm around Reggie. It's uncomfortable and is probably bruising some part of her body, but she needs to be able to hold them all before they go.

Julie shuts her eyes and holds tightly to her boys, wishing with all her heart that there was some way to save her boys again. Some way to bring them back properly this time, so they could grow up with her. Some way to make sure Alex and Willie could stay together, that one of then won't ever have to say goodbye.

It only registers that something feels a little strange after the song abruptly cuts. The CD scratches, trying to play the rest of it but there's just a steady clicking sound. It clicks on a steady count. Like a steady drum beat. In time to a pulsing beat.

Like startled stoats, Willie and Julie shoot up and lock eyes over Alex and Luke.

The boys are, rightfully, confused.

Julie and Willie spiderman-meme point at each other, sputtering like an old car on a frozen winter morning.

Still confused and expecting to be long gone, they boys sit up and search their wrists for any traces of the mark, even the thinnest of lines.

Finally, Julie gets a coherent word out. "Heartbeat!"

"Heartbeat!" Willie echoes, nodding vigorously.

They're still jabbing their fingers at each other, having a full conversation with their sputtering sounds.

"Heartbeat?" Reggie echoes, baffled.

Julie and Willie yell at Luke and Alex, "Heartbeat!" It seems to be the only word they can get out. Clicking her tongue, Julie grabs Luke's hand and presses it to his own chest.

Reggie screams suddenly. He's standing suddenly and he's got his fingers at his neck. "P-p-p-pulse!"

He looks at Julie and Willie. "Heartbeat," he says slowly, understanding.

Alex screams. Willie only realises Alex had been holding his wrist when he lets go.

"What?"

Alex reaches out for Willie, as if to cue his face, but instead places his fingers just under Willie's jaw. He screams again, startling Willie, who never expected his boyfriend to look him in the eye and shout like he'd seen a demon. So Willie screams. Which startles Alex. Who screams again.

Luke finally registers what's going on. He screams. Right in Julie's ear. She gets startled. She screams. Startling Luke. Who screams again.

Reggie is still screaming with each place he puts his fingers and feels a steady beat.

There is so much screaming going on in the studio that Ray and Carlos make their way down too. Carri and Flynn, who wanted to be there for Julie after, come barreling in after. The four of them stand there, perplexed, as Julie, Alex, Reggie, Willie and Luke, all standing now, point at each other and scream.

Its pandemonium, honestly. A miracle none of the neighbors have come over to check.

And Julie drops her first curse in front of her dad as she stares at Luke, Reggie and Alex. "WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS????"

Willie, who's never had any qualms cursing when no living adult could ever hear him, stares at Juliie like she's grown a second head. "NO! NO NO NO! NOT THEM WHAT THE FUCK! ME WHAT THE FUCK!!! ME!!!!"

Julie squints at Willie. "What??"

Alex holds up Willie's wrist. "PULSE!!"

Julie's eyebrows shoot up. "PULSE???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN PULSE?!"

"I mean pulse! What do you think??"

"What the hell is going on in here?" Carrie finally mutters.

As one, they all turn to the perplexed group in the doorway. Julie grabs Luke and drags him up to Carrie. She almost throws him at Carrie with the amount of force she uses to thrust his arm at her. "Pulse," she says, pointing to Luke's wrist.

Carrie sighs. "You know you're the only one that can--" Carrie screams when Julie slaps her arm with Luke's hand. Carrie screaming startles Flynn, who let's out a short screech.

"NO MORE SCREAMING!" Ray yells. In the silence, the clicking radio seems to get louder. Not trusting any of the screaming teenagers, Ray turns to his son. "Carlos, can you turn that off, please?"

Carlos rights the radio and presses the pause button. He presses it again. Sunset Curve fills the studio for a second -- dreaming like we'll live forever -- before Carlos manages to get it off.

Later, after they've explained everything and are still trying to wrap their heads around it, Julie crawls onto the couch beside Luke and lays her head on his chest. It's incredibly strange to hear a steady beat where there was once nothing but she can't deny that she loves the sound of it.

"That demo has more magic in it than the entire Hollywood Ghost Club," Alex mutters from the armchair he and Willie are squished into.

"I wonder what'll happen if I listen to any of the other tracks on the demo," Julie jokes.

"We'll probably grow wings," Reggie mutters from under Carlos, who had been so thrilled that Reggie wasn't leaving anytime soon, he had fallen asleep hugging Reggie.

Alex and Luke laugh, sharing an inside joke.

"You think you guys would still be here if Reggie didn't knock the radio over?" Willie asks.

"All hail, my mighty inability to watch where I'm going."

This time, Julie and Willie laugh too.

Julie curls up against Luke and sighs contentedly, listening to Luke's heart pound against his ribcage. In that moment, she can't think if anywhere else she'd rather be, anything else she'd rather listen to.

For the first time since they died, when Julie finally falls asleep, they doze off too.

Willie feels strange. When he yawns, he realizes he hasn't been tired since he first woke up as a ghost. It's nightly inconvenient and annoying, but he hasn't felt this alive since Alex first kissed him. As Willie dozes off, he makes a mental reminder to figure out what included him in the whole thing. He'll forget when he wakes up and they spend the day celebrating their mere alive-ness.

Things get even more interesting when Julie and the Phantoms perform again and Jullie accidentally walks through Luke, but that's a whole other story.

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #julie and the himbos #julie and the fat ones #jatp fic #jatp fic idea #ask #ask meme #thanks for the ask! #trope mashup ask

[freddieslater]

oh god oh fuck i’m on s7 e12 send help

literally why is the whole thing of ryan working in the stables so wholesome help

ok i know i said i wanted to kill mr dumbleby more than any other person ever but i stand corrected, i would kill ryan and chloe’s mum in a heartbeat if given the opportunity

to be honest, ryan’s little rampage of annoying everyone and ruining everything so they’ll help him leave is… kinda out of character? i mean they’ve made it clear he thinks everyone hates him anyway, what’s the point making them hate him even more? although he doesn’t do things by halves so i guess it’s vaguely in character. plus it was kinda funny

TYLER AND RYAN OH MY GOD- those gay idiots will be the death of me i swear

oh my god i forgot how forced everyone’s making ryan look good is. i know it’s supposed to be funny but it is n o t

god, despite all of that this episode fucking kills me. i’m saying ‘ryan and chloe’s mum’ very loosely because she is absolutely not a mum. that bitch really deserves to just be thrown off a cliff or something wOW-

aaaghhhh i forgot how much ryan and tyler content there is in this episode. my hEART-

oh my god there is some bad green screen in this episode i didn’t notice before, i guess they had to reshoot ryan’s conversation with his mum outside the old apartment? because that green screen is r o u g h

ngl if this episode had gone in a different direction and their mum had ended up falling out that same window in a wonderful twist of fate i would not be angry. cbbc are COWARDS

*overanalysing mode activated* that moment where she suddenly changes her tune and goes all ‘fresh start’, i bet she thought he was recording her, because that’s also exactly how they portray it every time someone in this show realises they’re being recorded

i honestly kinda look forward to jody leaving because i bet she’ll have a heartfelt leaving conversation with may-li and the parallels i’ll draw between that and ryan’s with mike will be i c o n i c

fucking r y a n m a n. and now i can’t take this seriously anymore because that was such a stupid fucking nickname oh my god-

oh my god i forgot how much i hate the whole ‘the real ryan’ thing. that’s- not how anything works? bitch is mentally ill, that doesn’t suddenly get cured because he stood up to his mum. but that last scene with him walking the horse is pretty wholesome i guess

literally i have to make a gifset comparing moments in this episode to his scenes in previous episodes because there’s so many good parallels?? although i may have to also include him lying that someone’s breaking into the car in his first episode vs him breaking into mikes car to steal the files. that ones my favourite

Oh god. I feel like you did not survive this.

It is extremely wholesome, and I wished he could have seen more of him with those horses. Just seeing him so happy coming back from the stables was so sweet and cute.

Oh yeah, Ryan and Chloe's mum is one of the worst characters on that show.

I think in his mind, he couldn't be sure they'd help him leave if he made it clear that's what he wanted to do, so he had to make sure they had a good enough reason to absolutely want him gone for good. Hence why he ruined all of their stuff. To me, it was perfectly in character and, as you said, hilarious.

God, yeah, it was so forced lmao. Other than Tyler wanting to help Ryan, THAT KILLED ME. When he saw that Ryan had overheard Jody saying she didn't want to help him?? The way he immediately went over to assure him that she would anyway, that he'd make sure he got what he wanted. He was the only one who actually wanted Ryan to be happy!

Yeah, their mum definitely does not deserve to be anywhere near them.

The Ryan/Tyler content is beautiful and that episode was a blessing for it.

THANK YOU. I kept wondering WHY that scene was so badly green-screened?? They clearly filmed some of the episode on that street already, why couldn't they just have reshot it as many times as they needed so that they didn't have to greenscreen it??

As much as I agree with you, I don't think CBBC wanted to traumatize a bunch of kids the way they already did with Eastenders. (I will never be over Bradley's death. Horrifying. Cried for hours as a child.) And also poor Ryan would have been extra traumatized and possibly blamed again!

You're probably right about why she suddenly switched attitude, actually. It's exactly what Ryan has done before, and it was done the exact same way as that. God, that kills me.

Nah, I cannot even consider Jody leaving because I will bawl my eyes out and probably just refuse to watch the show for a whole year. I know the heartfelt conversation with May-Li will be beautiful, and there will probably be many heartwrenching goodbyes, and they might even do in a way that makes me cry as much as I did when Tyler left, but I just cannot handle it. Do not want it.

Yeah, as soon as they say "Ryanman" the serious tone is lost forever.

And yeah, standing up to his mum does not curse his mental illnesses. Would be very nice of them to maybe, I don't know, actually get him proper help? Counseling, like they're doing with Jody? Just a thought. Oh, and him walking the horse!!

That is a good idea and a good parallel.

#ds-umbrella-manufacturing-co #ask away earthlings! #tdg #the dumping ground #ryan reeves #tyler lewis #ryan x tyler #jody jackson

[lillymidnight]

So I binged watched High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (Hsmtmts) season 1 about a month back. Now I'm watching season 2. As many, I was surprised to semi like this show. I'm impressed with how unique it is. I won't lie some things have irritated me or disappointed me, but honestly it's better than I thought. A little too much about relationship drama in season 2, but the moments about other stuff is really good. Holy heck all the kids are so talented, they all have such great voices. Can't wait to watch more. That aside I feel like season 2 is getting better, cannot wait to see the next episode. 2x09 looks really good in the promo which prompted me to think about how I feel about each character or couple. I loved that they brought back pretty much the same 6 background 'chorus dancers' in season 2. I know there's more, but actually including them like thed New years party, Improve, and the Quinceanero.

I know I may be hated for this, however I do not ship any of the four 'main' at the moment, they all have so much to work on. But my hsmtmts weird venting of feelings rant. Sorry in advance.

🚨SPOILERS AHEAD🚨

Nini & Ricky - First and for most I never shipped them after the first break up and the slow burn throughout the rehearsals for hsm. Not sure what exactly it was but they just didn't work for me. Communication was such a big problem for them right from the flashbacks, and I know it's a Disney show but a whole year to say 'I love you' felt strange when later we practically see them eating each other blah. Something did not work for me. Their chemistry died part way through season 2. Falling in love with your first love and bestfriend is really precious, but also so heartbreaking at the same time especially if things don't work. Because you never want to lose the friendship. Ricky was becoming too much and treating her terribly, which she absolutely did not deserve. Nini deserves to be independent, she is very talented I won't deny that, but I feel sad because she seems too disconnected from the group even with her bestfriend Kourt despite them placing the two together the last two episodes, something just seems off. (Now this may be just my bias of usually hating main characters when there's a larger cast trickling in) She's still amazing and I hope they can write her independent growth and connection to her friends a bit better, and give us something to look forward to for her character. She needs to learn how to communicate and not hide behind songs or running away. Also proud that she said she wasn't returning from Yac completely for Rocky, which would have been stupid. I would not want to see her give up her dream because he wanted her to. Now I will say their second break up was so mature and beautifully done though and glad she has her fans and music to help her get through. I want to see Nini lean on her mom's for support. Hope she gets an interesting storyline that can showcase how super talented Olivia is with that incredible voice, can't wait to hear more💖

Ricky, well dang this boy needs therapy. He has so many problems he needs to work through. He seriously needs the support of his parents and friends to help him through his break up and abandonment issues. He was becoming pretty scary during season 2, it was making me so uncomfortable. He doesn't like change and yes that's hard to get through but yikes he was almost becoming toxic in some ways. I also know it's very hard to break trauma engraved feelings. Ricky was so insecure that he had to delete a comment from Nini's insta, honestly felt kind of out of character(felt like it was reverting back to season 1 with Ej being jealous, and I did not like it). He's a great character and I hope they show him getting help and working on his issues. I know they showed him with his Mom, Lynn in the 2x09 promo(which is so hard because I don't like her) so I hope it works out and she can help him or that they can have a genuine heart to heart conversation about her actions and how they impacted him. Still don't forgive her for everything so put Ricky through in the first season. He looks so sad and I hope they focus on his mental health and concerns before even thinking about any other relationship drama(wishful thinking...). So happy Ricky had Big Red, those scenes in the montage were so precious and heartwrenching. Big Red just knew Ricky needed him. I want to see more of that friendship grow because it felt slightly lacked in season 2 but that could because he was too focused on Nini and that the rest of the group was growing. I hope they do not let Ricky and Lily happen, that would be such a mistake. Josh is crazy talented can't wait to hear more🧡

Gina - Gosh this girl just needs a big ass hug. I feel so sad and constantly worried about her. That would be so hard constantly moving around never feeling grounded anywhere. I really liked that Ashlyn tried to help with developing a 'home' for Gina. Gina being so independently powerful and strong-willed is a great attribute to who she is and I loved her fierceness in season 1, but I feel like I haven't seen much of that this season, still like her a lot. It just seems she's sadly always putting on a brace face, which makes me feel awful for her. Her pining of Ricky is my least favorite thing about her. I get feelings can develop and with how she fell for him in season 1 and he chose Nini in the end was really sad. But I must say I felt disheartened when she thought Ricky was the one to send her the chocolates on valentines day and was mortified they turned that miscommunication into a joke. Nope, that was not something I liked at all, it felt forced. Yes, they work/see each other in the musical, but with the confused feelings they both shared they really should have backed away from each other to figure things out until both know exactly what they want. It's not fair to each other or Nini and Ej. I don't ship Rina though. Gina in episode 2x05 had me so sad for her, she deserves the world and I was so sad she was internally saying goodbye to everyone. I hope we see her and he mom work on things that will be the best to support Gina. I 100% do not want to see Gina and Jack be a thing, I know they're actors but nope that would be too strange after watching Sofia and Asher as tweens on Andi Mack. Also they really went there with the 'I feel like I know you' seem familiar scene, why? I cringed, I know it's a nod to Andi Mack fans who most probably now watch hsmtmts. I hope we continue to see her friendships grow with everyone. Sofia is so dang talented💚

Ej - I just want to say he went from being hated, to one of the favorite characters in season 2. He became so likeable. Carlos' comment about emotion in the song Gaston was big progress from the scene in season one between the pair, it was nice honestly. I really like Ej's relationship with Mr. Mazzara and hope that he continues to support Ej. I think that can be very good. I also love Ashlyn and Ej's relationship. I hope we eventually see a apology scene or talking scene between Nini and Ej. I really do not like Portwell and I'm so sorry to the fans. But I just don't ship it. I would love them to be good friends and be supportive of each other, their conversation was nice in the 2x08. I hope we see more of his interactions with different characters and continue to see his relationships develop. Ej and Duke well that is a whole other thing. Him acknowledging his privilege and how he didn't earn it was great character progress and very interesting to see. I did feel super sad for Ej, because the boy clearly works so hard with all the clubs and teams he's on, his high gpa, as well as his many other extra curriculars. His Dad, Cash making calls was ridiculous and I'm so proud of Ej telling him he's not going to Duke. I hope we get to see Ej grow independently. However, the promo for 2x09 shows Ej either packing or unpacking boxes with Ashlyn in the room during the zoom call. So I'm worried it's either him helping Gina move out, or the more likely option. Cash Caswell kicked Ej out over him saying he did not want to go to Duke at the end of 2x08. Ej has so much pressure on him. Gah please let Matt sing more, his voice is incredible💛

Ashlyn & Big Red - Redlyn is really sweet and I hope things work out between them regarding them not going through more jealously and relationship drama. I do wish the writers would have explored Ashlyn's insecurities a bit more and with more than just Big Red. I did not like the using her insecurities as comedy in some scenes. Ashlyn being a Disney princess is amazing and such a good thing to showcase. I liked the way they went with Big Red and the career stuff. I see absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting to continue his families legacy and proud that he said that to Ash. Also was happy to see them working that out and her understanding and accepting that. When she finally agreed I was very happy. I don't hate Antoine, but I def don't want to see some weird love triangle glad they said they were working through that. I really want to see more of them together and separate as they're a really cute couple and I think could survive their relationship with independent plot lines. The valentines moments were too sweet. I want to see more scenes with Ashlyn and Ej as I feel they have lacked this season. So, I definitely want to see more of them together as besides drama club, they are part of very different circles so I was shocked to see them so close. However, the more we learned about the Caswells, it appears they grew up alone and only with each other, neither of their parents being home. With her throwing all the parties and him being at her house often and correct me if I'm wrong he sleeps in the spare room quite a bit after parties or in general at her house. Although he did just knock/ring the doorbell in 2x08 which I don't think we've seen before. And his mind else where with Duke and probably his crush nerves somehow forgot Gina was living with Ashlyn. Julia's voice is fantastic that high note in the mob song was just wow. Larry can really sing so well dang, glad he got to sing more in season 2. I cannot wait to hear more from them❤

Carlos & Seb - Seblos is absolutely adorable, that might be biased though because of Joe and Frankie! Even though they are playing characters I feel like there's a little of them that slips through sometimes and I find myself smiling. I hope this fight that keeps being spoken about can be resolved easily. I'll be really sad if not. My heart feels for Seb, as I get Miss Jen doesn't see him as a leading man but she broke barriers once with him being Sharpay which was awesome, he was amazing. So, I hope Seb gets a bigger part in the next musical, and that he and Carlos can work through their relationship dynamic and problems. Really sad to constantly see Seb be told no and disregarded. I want that to change and see him stand up for himself. I don't like that they're portraying him as 'dumb' honestly. Always hate those characters in shows. Sure they say funny things but it's weird. Carlos looks like he's overworking himself and being there for everyone that isn't Seb. Carlos does need to focus on himself a bit and find time for him. Gah I was so happy to see some of Frankie's own heritage represented in the show in 2x05. Carlos' relationship with Miss Jen definitely weirded me out initially😅 I thought the plant growing with them was adorable and the meaning behind the Climb was great, just too cute. I've saw someone mention they think Ricky is going to be going through too many personal problems and be unable to perform and that Seb would take over, which I honestly agree this will happen. Hope to see so much more with them. Definitely hope to hear more singing!!! Gah Frankie and Joe's voices are incredible. They both need to sing way more💜

Kourtney - I still cannot believe she was only meant to be a one or two episode character, she's incredible and I'm so happy they made her more than just Nini's bestfriend who the main character whines to. I loved how they incorporated her as an asset and fashion/costume designer. She's headstrong and so very talented. Really glad they added Kourtney as a cast member to the musical. I mean her step in scene as Taylor was funny, but it's nice to see her break out of her box a little. I hope her relationship does not deter her future and headstrong nature. I really really want to see her relationship grow with other characters that aren't Nini as they were starting to before she came back. Seb and Kourt were great. I'm still indifferent about Howie and Kourtney after everything that has happened with North High. The Harry Potter references were too great though. Can't wait to see where else they go with her character and even Howie. Dara and Roman have such amazing and jaw dropping voices. Dang I want to hear more singing from them both💙

So that was a long winded explanation of how I've been feeling. The show is amazing with such young and talented actors playing awesome characters can't wait to see where else they go with them. Definitely need more singing and dancing.

#hsmtsts #ricky bowen #nini salazar roberts #kourtney greene #ej caswell #ashlyn caswell #big red #carlos rodriguez #sebastian matthew smith #seblos #gina porter #redlyn #kourtney x howie

[ohscorbus]

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Saturday 11th May, 2019

I think it goes without saying that seeing today’s show was an absolute honour. James Phoon, our lovely Craig Bowker (aaand everyone’s favourite Hufflepuff), FINALLY got to go on as Scorpius Malfoy. Now we’ve been talking, hoping, and begging for this for two years. Two years! Spoiler alert: it was worth the wait. ♥︎

So, who is his Scorpius? Well I initially summed him up in three words: sweet, strong, awkward. I stand by that. We’ve always said he’d be a total sweetheart, a child of sunshine and sweets. We weren’t wrong. But what really captured my attention was his strength. He didn’t feel vulnerable the way Jonathan’s Scorpius does (to me, anyway) and even when he was, I knew he could handle himself. There was something very Malfoy about him in that sense. You could almost see Draco’s influence. It was all there, intertwined with his own Scorpius-ness. It felt like something brand new but also exactly what you’d expect from Scorpius Malfoy. Watching him stand his ground and push back on Albus, and then awkwardly play with his hands and squeal in delight over something geeky in the next breath. It was the perfect mix which made for a fascinatingly brilliant interpretation and one I’d have loved the chance to explore further. I can only imagine where James would have taken him if he was already here at show one. 

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR: THIRD YEAR

I absolutely adored his approach to the scene where he tells Albus about Astoria’s death. Instead of looking down at the ground or focusing on Albus, he angled himself our way and stared out as if he was looking out of the train window. Yet his unfocused and glistening eyes told us he wasn’t really seeing anything beyond the glass. It made me wonder if he’d have stayed like that all the way to Hogwarts if Albus hadn’t have found him because even once Albus had arrived and started talking, Scorpius barely blinked. He spoke back but he never took his eyes off the view. It broke my heart. He couldn’t write those words and now he has to say them. I don’t blame him for not wanting to see the sorry on Albus’s face. He remained in that position until he suddenly turned towards Albus as he asked him to be his good friend. The fact that it’s that line that pulls Scorpius back into the world says so much about him. His friendship with Albus is what grounds him. It’s what he needs to get through this.

Also, unrelated to James but I have to call out Ryan in the wand dance. So you know how Albus fails at the very end and his wand shoots out the powder instead? Well while the other kids mocked him, Ryan just stood at the back, looking at his own wand, and wondered aloud: “how did he do that?” The look of confusion on his face and the fact the question seemed so genuine had me laughing so hard I wheezed. I’ve been saying it ever since. (Plus I like the idea that someone out there is impressed. Even if it was an accident. Bless him.)

ACT ONE, SCENE NINETEEN: BEATING THE LIBRARY

I just have to mention Jamie B here because his version of James’s Scorpius was absolutely superb. Like, A+. 10/10. Five gold stars. We gushed at him afterwards and he said he only got to watch James for a few scenes that day before having to go on and do this scene. I’m still wildly impressed at this man’s talent. 

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX: HOGWARTS THROUGH THE TREES

This scene always stands out to me. There’s a certain kind of magic to it that sets it apart from the others. We come to the theatre, or pick up the book, or watch the movies, to visit Hogwarts. Yet in this scene, it’s those at Hogwarts who turn to watch us to see this world. It gives me goosebumps every time. I never feel as part of the magic as I do when I’m watching this scene. For that reason, it’s so interesting to watch the actors reacting to that view. Of seeing that magic, of all of us on this journey with them. There’s time there where they literally don’t say anything. They just stand and look and without fail, it exposes the true extent of their Harry Potter love. It doesn’t matter how good of an actor you are, there are some emotions you cannot fake. The beauty of the Palace Theatre itself and the realisation of pretty much being ‘Harry Potter’ (but better) in this moment has caused so many of them to well up. Now James P’s love for HP is common knowledge. He’s a very proud Hufflepuff who beat his losing streak in the Friday Forty by joining the cast in the second year. (I have so much respect for that haha.) So as you can imagine, the second we all saw his eyes glistening as he stepped forward we all cried with him.

ACT TWO, SCENE SEVEN: FIRST AU

Now you know the Malfoys are my favourites (apart from Albus, he’s still my number one), so seeing how Draco and Scorpius interact is pretty high on my list of priorities. I was on the edge of my seat for this scene today! So anyway, the adults run on stage and Draco immediately zones in on his son but Scorpius stays focused on Albus. I think it was partly because Albus was very obviously in quite a lot of pain, and I’m also fairly sure he was actively trying to avoid the look on his dad’s face too. He’s in trouble and he knows it. I just hope he also knows how worried his dad has been too because that is also evident on his face.

ACT TWO, SCENE TEN: WRONG BOY IN THE WRONG CARRIAGE

So for anyone who’s not seen the show, this scene has the adults talking around McGonagall’s desk with both staircases back to back behind them. They sort of frame the scene and enclose them to give the impression they’re in a room. Now while this scene plays out, Scorpius is sat on the right staircase behind/above them. Now I’ve never been fully convinced either way as to whether it means Scorpius is eavesdropping on their conversation or whether he’s there simply as a reminder of what’s at stake. Either way, Scorpius is usually uncharacteristically still as they speak. You could easily forget he’s there. So it was super interesting to see James decide to keep moving his hands as Scorpius would. It made you more aware of the fact even if he’s not part of the conversation, he is part of this. Everything that is being said directly affects him. This boy that’s sat in the darkness alone and showing signs of uneasiness. It made Harry’s misguided anger feel even worse.

ACT TWO, SCENE TWELVE: STAIRCASE BALLET

This is a random observation and probably not the one you want but for some reason, the image of him sitting on top of the staircase with his legs hanging down is stuck in my head. I just love it? I'm so used to Scorpius sitting up there cross-legged and looking down at Albus longingly and so full of hope. To see something different was refreshing! It was almost like he missed Albus walking beneath him at first and then as he seemed to realise, he quickly jumped up and ran back to the banister to catch him as he walked up the other staircase behind him. Although thinking about it now, that’s even sadder? The fact he doesn’t spot him immediately. Did Scorpius start to give up? It would explain his frustration at Delphi a few scenes later. Being confronted with the notion that Albus needs him when in fact it’s clearly him that needs Albus. A hard truth to learn when his best friend has all but abandoned him. It’s interesting to imagine a Scorpius trying to learn how to survive school (and life) without Albus at this point. Maybe that’s what Delphi sees. That’s why she risks everything because she can’t have Scorpius being so Malfoy about this and surviving. She needs him to fight for Albus. She needs them together.

Or maybe it’s just simply because Albus is always so quick to run off or change direction to avoid Scorpius so that when he does literally past right underneath him here it’s like Scorpius doesn’t believe it. Like he can’t trust his own eyes. But then it registers and of course he’s immediately up and after him. It’s definitely a much nicer idea. But I’ll let you decide...

ACT TWO, SCENE SIXTEEN: THE ARGUMENT

Now this is a library scene! I personally always prefer a Scorpius that gets so uncontrollably angry he properly shouts in this scene. I want him to finally explode after years of imploding. James P did not let me down. There was no mistaking his frustration. His “try my life” silenced the theatre. The pain in his “can you even slightly imagine what that’s like” exposed Albus. The next lines were unnecessary. Albus already felt two foot tall. Then his “giving sympathy to the boy WHO DOESN’T EVEN GIVE ANYTHING BACK” gave me goosebumps. This is my Scorpius. He had the whole audience in his hands. Even the annoyingly loud lady behind me was captived enough to stop using her Pringles as maracas! Wayhey!!! But all jokes aside, watching this sweet boy stand up to his best friend and speak without knowing if Albus would stay at the end of this was heartwrenching. But he’s right, some things are more important. I think this hits him here finally and his voice and anger dips as he said, ”so I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your life because I tell you - you wouldn’t have a chance of ruining mine - it was already ruined.” Each pause brought more emotion until finally he exploded with anger again for ‘the most terrible friend’ line. I can still see his face so clearly in my head as he shouted that at Albus. He had, what I can only describe as his ‘angry eyebrows’ on, and he meant it. The unwavering glare he gave Albus was cold and cruel. It was glorious. I have this thing about getting glimpses of what could be the Scorpion King. I love it. Now I know our Scorpius isn’t that person and nor is he capable of the things he is, but watching him use his words to cut Albus down was like a flash of what could be. If anyone in the theatre still had any doubt this boy was a Malfoy, they wouldn’t have after this scene.

But back to the height thing. We’re used to Scorpius having some height on Albus and it being visibly noticeable. Yet this was the one time I actually felt it, despite the fact that James and Joe are roughly the same height. He just had such a big presence on stage once he’d stopped holding back. The flashes of anger, fuelled by unimaginable pain, concealed for reasons that would only hurt you further if you learned them. There’s so much more to Scorpius Malfoy than sweets, and it breaks my heart.   

Of course this all led to a truly heartfelt apology from Albus. It felt softer than usual. Or maybe it just seemed that way after Scorpius’s sharpness. It was beautiful to watch them equal each other out. There’s always a balance with these two and it’s never more obvious than here.

Oh and the hug! This was the most awkward hug I’ve ever witnessed. Basically, Albus pulled him up and tried to bring him straight into a hug but Scorpius put his hands up and froze. (Think Surprised Kitten.) That didn’t deter Albus though. He tried to work around it (by which I mean he still kept his arms out and half around Scorpius trying to coax him into it) but Scorpius was not moving. Oh and FYI, it wasn’t a ‘I’m uncomfortable with this’ kind of thing. It was definitely a ‘I don’t know what to do here’ kind of thing! In the end, Albus motioned with his hands for Scorpius to come closer and gave him an encouraging head nod along with it. That finally did it and the two hugged. It was super sweet with five layers of awkwardness and I loved it. Especially given how determined Scorpius looked when he said ‘always’. It’s fascinating how Albus is a source of both confidence and the unknown to him. His range of reactions will never stop entertaining me.

ACT TWO, SCENE NINETEEN: GIRLS’ BATHROOM

So the soap didn’t inflate and I’m only mentioning this because Albus’s response was just, “nevermind”, and he carried on. NEVERMIND. It’s not like if you get this wrong then the whole plan falls through or anything, Albus! This boy. Honestly. He’s a jumbled mix of accepted failure and confident stubbornness and I’m here for that.

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO: VOLDY TIMELINE

There was a really great parallel moment here where he was in the middle of the stage, facing the audience and looking at Hogwarts. Just like he was during the ‘Hogwarts through the trees’ scene. Yet the difference between these two looks spoke volumes about how different this version of Hogwarts was. The last time he looked in awe. He was happy to be there and proud to be at that school. But now he looked back at it over his shoulder and his eyes spoke of bone deep fear.

This Scorpius played the role of Scorpion King quite impressively. He was able to rein in a lot of his Scorpius-y mannerisms for longer than Jonathan’s Scorpius manages. It was more in line with Samuel’s Scorpius, if not better. It’s exactly what I expected of this Scorpius after part one. Draco may have failed to instil leadership in him but he’s definitely picked other things up.

ACT THREE, SCENE THREE: DRACO’S OFFICE

He went for what I can only describe as a ‘pitifully wounded trapped animal’ approach to being held down on the table. I felt it like a stab to the heart. He just collapsed into the desk and his legs looked like they were going to buckle. He looked so small it hurt. But if that wasn’t bad enough, once he’d got free he ran backward holding the side of his face and let out the saddest little whimper. He made no attempt to hide the fact he’d been hurt. I’m glad. I think Draco needed that. Scorpius too. I don’t think he’s tempted to stay in this reality but this affirms his need to change it back. He may be struggling with his dad but he knows enough to know that he wouldn’t want this. His mother either. He’s aware of his past but he’s also aware of his present. He’ll save the world for Albus, but he’ll change it for his family.

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR: ALL THE CRAIGS

I’m not gonna lie, I spent this entire scene being alarmed by the fact the person I’ve watched as Craig for the past two years was now suddenly interacting with Craig. I wonder if that was weird for him too…

ACT THREE, SCENE FIVE: LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

I love how his ‘you loved his mother’ seemed to escape from him without intention. He instantly became nervous and unsure as to whether he should have mentioned it. But he presses on and he slowly regains his confidence the longer Snape is quiet. It made me think about how important this moment is for Scorpius. He’s been in this AU for (presumably) days now and I can’t imagine the horrors he’s seen. But he never gives up hope and now there’s a light. Even in this world of darkness, Scorpius is not alone, and love will win once more. I know he loves reading about it in his history books but experiencing this first hand must inspire and empower him more than just the fact he survived this world.

ACT THREE, SCENE EIGHT: DEMENTORS

He really put his all into his interactions with the Dementors which I will always love an actor for. These creatures are mentally draining, affect you physically and emotionally, and are hard to detach from. There’s no fancy CGI of the movies here and honestly, they don’t need it anyway. James portrayed all of that brilliantly. (Dementors are my favourite HP creatures of this made me very happy!)

ACT THREE, SCENE NINE: CAREFUL, YOU’RE DROWNING ME!

Having seen all the reluctance and nervousness in the previous hugs, I was a little bit unsure of what to expect with this one since it’s the first hug Scorpius instigates himself. I shouldn’t have worried. The hug was short but Scorpius threw himself into it without hesitation or any hint of uncertainty afterwards. It was lovely and a true testament to his character. He could have come back from the Voldy AU angry and damaged but instead he focuses on his relationships. It reminds me of that quote from HBP: “You're the one who is weak. You will never know love or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.” Scorpius is awkward and bullied. He’s hurting and lonely. He must appear weak to just about everyone, but they’re wrong. To be dealing with all of that and still have such a pure love for magic and life and all the people in it? It’s incredible and beyond brave to choose love time and time again. I think we could all learn a thing or two from Scorpius Malfoy. He’s the bravest person I know.

ACT THREE, SCENE FOURTEEN: THE DORM SCENE

This was so heavily influenced by Samuel’s Scorpius that I instantly broke down in a flood of tears and sobbed my way through this scene (and the next few). He woke Albus up with an ‘Al-boos’ and then he even pulled his duvet up and wrapped it around his face as he said Mouldy Voldy. It was beautifully painful in the best and worst ways. None of us were prepared. I just never expected to see those things again but it also reminded me (like I could ever forget, ha!) how well they work. I mean, I may have been crying uncontrollably but everyone else was laughing along at his ridiculousness. It was like his sugar high had just kicked in. Malfoy the Unanxious was really loving life in this moment. 

One thing that stood out in particular was the way he said the pun at the end. It was full of dramatic pauses (“It’s time.. that time turning… became a thing… of the past”) and he said it so seriously. This Scorpius has skills. The pride on his face afterwards made it even better. I like that he can give as good as he can get with dry humour and Albus. He’s clearly picked up a thing or two over the years. I can only imagine what they’re like together once they’ve got started. Total Slytherins. 

ACT THREE, SCENE NINETEEN: TORTURE SCENE

I have to admit, I kinda just lost myself in this scene and enjoyed it so I have very few notes. Other than that he made this painfully sad whimper when Delphi turned her wand towards him and he realises that’s how she’s going to control Albus. But then the second time she does it he remains silent. He knows what’s coming but he’ll endure (and not give her the satisfaction) if it means stopping her. Although he didn’t hide his pain afterwards. He looked and sounded like he was in agony. I’m a big fan of that. (Sorry Scorpius!)

It was also really jarring again to see James P watch Craig Bowker die in this scene. Scorpius consciously tried to avoid looking at Craig’s dead body too and that somehow made it worse?

ACT THREE, SCENE TWENTY: YOUR DAD LOVES YOU, VERY MUCH

I always watch Scorpius’s face as Albus says this line. So Jonathan’s Scorpius always looks across at Albus in panic, like he’s about to expose what’s about to happen to Cedric and ruin time. Then once he realises he’s not, he deflates and simply watches Albus with such love. He knows what those words would mean to Albus, so for him to say them to Cedric, making sure it’s the last thing that Cedric hears before he dies, it makes him look at Albus like he’s seeing him for who he truly is. A boy whose heart convinces his head to act. That may have gotten them into this mess but Scorpius likes that about him. This moment is a reminder of that. So much has happened. The arguments, their falling out, their losses, their wounds exposed. But this seems to bring him back down and closer. It’s so incredibly touching. It made me super intrigued to see what James would do with it. Unsurprisingly, I was not let down. The emotion on his face just broke me. I’m not sure if it’s because of what he knew would happen, and must happen, to Cedric. The burden of that so soon after Craig must have been awful. Or whether it was hearing those words himself and thinking of his own dad that caused those feelings to overpower him. But it was beautifully painful to watch. It’s such an emotionally powerful moment. To see him physically uncomfortable, unable to sit still as he’s flooded with these feelings, truly brought home how young they are to be dealing with all this too.

ACT FOUR, SCENE THREE: SQUEEEAK!

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this already but his voice got really light and wispy whenever he was really happy. Like whatever was happening had taken his breath away. Usually it’s Rose’s doing but here it’s aaallll Bathilda. It started the second he realises she’ll be alive and in that house right now. It only escalated once she’d walked out and he’d seen her. His voice went so high and his squeak could have cracked glass. He was so unashamedly geeking out.

ACT FOUR, SCENE FIVE: FANBOY

Also, it’s super important you know this ubergeek kept letting out these really high pitched squeals of delight as this scene went on. It was like he never came back down from the high of seeing Bathilda. He did it once they’d figured out their plan and then again when he opened Bathilda’s door. That one was an actual shriek. He showed no shame. Good.

A little Scorpius-y quirk for you: he was continually fiddling with his clothes. Here it was the bottom of his coat. Probably the zipper? When he was in his uniform he favoured the ends of his sleeves.

ACT FOUR, SCENE EIGHT: WE CAN HUG TOO

So to anyone who’s read any of my recaps before, you may remember how I mentioned that Jonathan’s Scorpius has very noticeable anxiety issues. At times he struggles to catch his breath and how it’s something both Draco and Albus help him with throughout the show. (Although sadly he’s definitely toned this down a lot recently.) Anyway, I’m bringing this up now because after Draco and Scorpius hugged, Draco always keeps his hand on Scorpius’s shoulder. Presumably to keep him close but to also focus him on his breathing. It’s a really touching moment that tells you everything about how loving and caring this little family is. But since this is a different Scorpius I wondered what James H would do here. Interestingly, he didn’t change a thing. Now I’m thinking this shared moment isn’t just about Scorpius. It’s also about Draco. I’ve talked before about why I think Draco is constantly rubbing his fingers together. That I believe it’s a stress/anxiety thing, and how I think he uses that as a way of channeling and restraining it. It’s useful as a parent to recognise and understand something your child is going through, and it explains why James H still had Draco do the same actions today with James P’s Scorpius. Because his Scorpius didn’t need that sort of help so obviously. So the idea that his exaggerating breathing isn’t just for Scorpius to copy, but for himself too makes sense. I can’t imagine the stress of what losing Scorpius must have felt like. To finally have him back again, right in front of him, I’m sure he needs to remember to breathe again too. Or rather, the reminder he can breathe now. They’re together. That’s all that matters.

James P made this even more lovely by reaching out for Draco back. So while Draco had his hand on Scorpius’s shoulder, Scorpius cupped Draco’s other elbow and held on for a while. That was really nice!

ACT FOUR, SCENE ELEVEN: DUELLING WITH DELPHI

So after Delphi has been stopped, everyone is stood either side of her with their wands pointed right at her. The fight is over but they don’t let their guard down. Now from the angle at which my seat was at, I got this wonderful view of Albus, Ginny, Harry, Scorpius, and Draco all stood in a line. They’re all stood rigidly with their wand arms up and perfectly straight. They look determined and ready. But then in the middle of the line up is Scorpius. He stood out today because his arm was relaxed and low. His wand was still pointed at Delphi but his stance was as far from threatening as you can get. Understandably really, given that the adults are in the room and the fact she’s restrained and he’s holding her wand. He doesn’t need to fight. But then as soon as Harry says he won’t kill her, everyone lowers their wands and relaxes and takes their eyes off Delphi. Everyone except Scorpius. His wand was still at waist height but it never wavered and remained directed at her. He never even looked away from her. I was on the edge of my seat. This is a Scorpius who could have easily hidden behind his father (Jonathan’s Scorpius), or been afraid to hold Delphi’s wand (Samuel’s Scorpius). But no, he points her wand straight back at her and never falters. He’s lived in the world she wants. He’s suffered through rumours she claims as an identity with pride. He’s seen what this wand has done. Yet he pulls all that together and stares her down. Afraid, but brave.

It’s not until the real Voldemort’s voice calls out that he breaks his concentration. He reacts to the danger by finally moving towards his dad. Although I have no doubt if he hadn’t then Draco would have gone to him.

ACT FOUR, SCENE FOURTEEN: CRUSHES

He said ‘smokey eyed potions professor’ in this croaky, elderly lady voice and held up his hands as if he was holding onto a zimmer frame and it was hilarious! Easily my favourite way I’ve ever seen someone do this line. By implying that the professor is that much older he’s actually taken this teasing to a whole other level and I love him for it.

After all, a teenage boy having a crush on a middle aged female teacher isn’t unusual. But the idea that Scorpius is winding Albus up about him fancying a pensioner is just too funny. I can just imagine the joy it brings Scorpius, getting to wind Albus up about this through potions class and beyond. Albus, torn between being the kind hearted boy that he is and helping her move the heavier cauldrons, and wishing she’d just for once use her wand because the look on Scorpius’s face when she tells him he’s a ‘very good young man’ is most definitely going to be parroted back to him for the next week in jokes. So thank you James for this. I shall enjoy imagining your Scorpius teasing him endlessly in the way only best friends can.

I so wish more of you could have seen him because my words could never do him justice. I have no doubt you all would have loved him. James was fantastic, and not only that, he reminded you of how much time and effort all the cast put into this show. Whether they have three hundred lines or whether they have three. James had this beautiful, fully formed character that he knew would probably never see the light of day. Yet he took him on this new journey and fleshed him out ready. I only really got into theatre because of Cursed Child so while I knew this was the case with all understudies/swings, actually seeing it from a second cover made me realise the true extent of it. There’s an immeasurable amount of talent in this cast and we barely scratch the surface with so many of them. I’m sad we won’t get to see this Scorpius again, but I’m excited to see where James goes in the future.

(Oh and just so you know, my Jonathan and Samuel comparisons are purely to help give you a better idea of what James was like. I’m not saying one is better than the other. Each interpretation is so different and I love all three of them! I just want to give you the clearest idea I can and this way is easier if you’ve seen the show and you’re already familiar with one or both of these actors.)

#harry potter and the cursed child #james phoon #TCCleanne #mypost #long post

[winterheart17]

Saiansha just shot me in the heart

I’m going to put a Read More break so as not to clog up anyone’s feed but @saiansha , I cannot stop re-reading or tearing over this beautiful love letter you’ve written to You Had Me At Loki. Seriously. Thank you. 

Sorry, it's me again. I read "You Had Me At Loki". You owe me a couple of painkillers, a few nights worth of sleep and a couple of glasses of water. The painkillers are for the headache I had from all that angst and emotion, the sleep for all those nights/mornings I stayed up till 4 just to finish the chapter/begin a new one and the water for all the times I had to calm myself down and rehydrate myself after all the dehydration from crying. I tried to remind myself countless times that this is just a story and that you, thankfully, are not an orphan and have been brought up with a lot of love, so calm the heck down and stop behaving as if it’s your heart being torn asunder here. This is Arwynn, and she may look like you and this story is written in first person, but for the sake of your sanity, stop wondering if this is what you would be like if you were in her circumstances.

You know, I open a story and mutter a prayer, “Please let me be gifted with a strong female protagonist.” And when I say ‘strong’, I do not mean a woman who is necessarily mouthy and bold with a razor-sharp wit and intelligence. Those are nice traits to have, of course, but I look more for women who know their mind, who know when to say “enough”, who respect and love themselves before others and who call out the men on their bullshit. And when I see that a story does not have such a woman, who over the course of the story learns how deep this inner strength is, I feel disappointed.

In that sense, Arwynn disappointed me at first, because she was a woman who defined herself solely with respect to Loki. And I understood that that is obviously because in a life where all you receive is apathy and disregard at best and spite and contempt at worst, even the smallest smile and simplest act of kindness warms you the way no fire can ever. And when you have nothing else to go on for, nothing else to dream about, then you become determined to follow that kindness and hope and love to wherever it takes you. But understanding is not quite the same as realising something for yourself, I feel. As the story went on, I realised that I am looking at this wrong. This is not a story about a strong woman who realises her strength. This is a story about a woman who becomes strong. One of my favourite quotes is from Doctor Who and it is as follows: great men are forged in fire; it is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.

And this is exactly what happened … in this story – the likes of Odin and Lorelei and yes, even Loki for the bigger part of this story lit this flame and out emerged an Arwynn who found herself and understood that love was not just about loving someone without any heed or regard for anything else, but also loving someone even after they’ve hurt you but at the same time, loving yourself as well. Love was about knowing when to stay and when to go and when to come back. And Loki. Oh god, Loki. It hurts... Your Loki is so true to himself, so accurate that it hurts.

When I read fanfiction, I seek out a Loki who is at relative ease, who has scars but not open wounds, or is at least willing to let someone dress and soothe those wounds. A Loki who is definitely not free of anguish and rage and doubt but can still afford to be playful, mischievous, charming and sensual. Because hey, it’s fanfiction, and this Loki is easy to read and love and brings a smile to my lips and a series of “awww”’s out of my mouth. But your Loki was so hard to read, so hard to like and downright impossible to love most times. And that is exactly how he should be. Maybe I’ve become soft after reading all those easy-going Lokis. Or maybe I never had Arwynn’s devotion or strength. Or maybe I’m too invested in your story. But this Loki, the one who is so hard to like, is the one I loved reading. I am honestly tired of “dark” Loki being interpreted as some hypersexual rapey guy who picks up scared, unwilling women off the streets and dumps them in some sort of a harem. Your Loki is what is truly “dark!Loki” – Loki whose possessiveness at first comes not from love but from his insecurity and the need to stake his claim, Loki who is willing to cruelly hurt other people because he is worried that they will hurt him first. Loki, who as Frigga says (bless that woman honestly, just bless her) is so perceptive about everyone but himself. And I think truly that that is what Loki’s darkness about – not knowing, and worse, not willing to know, and confront his own self.

And honestly, your fic is making me ask questions that I really shouldn’t waste my time asking. If in some goddamn crazy occurrence were I to meet Loki, would I ever be able to love him? Would I ever be able to allow myself to love him? Am I too rigid and unyielding to love him? Will I have the strength and the humility to keep putting myself out there, knowing that I will have to do this for a very long time.

Sorry, Tumblr stopped me from sending any more asks) …because no one else has for this man’s entire 1000 years of existence? And most importantly, will I ever want to have this kind of love, humility, patience and strength for anyone? Because I think until you fall in love for real, you are always more in love with the idea of being in love. And I think I am too proud and shut off myself to allow someone to call me theirs without being able to call them mine from the onset.

 And this, then, is why I love Arwynn even more, because although I can’t emulate her, she has still taught and shown me so much. Heck, I think she can teach the “Little Writer” too a lot about love and Loki. Now that would be a crossover worth reading. Urgh, I am so sorry for all these ramblings but honestly, your fics have just done that to me. They have made me feel and ask myself all these questions shamelessly, and perhaps more openly and explicitly. I think it’s best for both our sakes – your time and patience and my sanity – if you don’t write any more long stories. You won’t hear any complaints from me if you do, just an askbox brimming with feelings.

Before I conclude (about time, really), allow me to give Lady Katja an honourary mention. She is a non-toxic version of Severus Snape and I was so, so thrilled when you mentioned that she didn’t just love Eir, she was in love with Eir. I am the first one to insist that not all love needs to be romantic, but I also don’t like when people incorporate so much passion and vehemence and anger and frustration (especially in same-sex relations) only to pass it off as platonic love. Platonic love is no doubt strong and shouldn’t be underestimated, but it will never inspire the sheer fury behind the words that Katja uttered, so thank you for that. And thank you for this fic. I really do hope you write more Loki fics =)  

First of all, please allow me to apologise for taking so long to get back to this amazing piece of… I can’t even bear myself to call it feedback because of how beautiful, eloquent, and thought-provoking it is. Plus, I need to pinch myself at how it’s 1,287 words long! It’s been a long, loooonnnng month and I’m just about recovering from a bout of fever and flu.

Okay, here goes: woman, your piece brought tears to my eyes. Tears! I remember reading and re-reading your words over and over again – hardly able to believe that a story of mine could invoke such strong emotions and the ability to push someone over the edge in such a manner. I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am that you stumbled upon my account and stories because you have been nothing but a ray of light and blessing in my inbox. You remind me all that I love about writing and why I even started in the first place. Not because of the beautiful comments and heartwrenching feedback I get (although those are always welcome and appreciated), but because I always feel that with each piece I put out in the world, I’m putting a piece of my heart and soul out there – light that I hope each reader will find at the end of their very own dark tunnel as they follow my characters’ story. It’s why I like to write complex characters with the central focus being on their emotions and how they evolve. I think as human beings, we don’t spend nearly enough time getting in touch with how we truly feel – preferring to shove things beneath a rug because it’s safer and it feels more comfortable. And I’d like to think of my stories being forged with the intention of being the proverbial bandaid that is ripped off to let sunlight flood all the dark and dusty corners most steer clear of.

Growing up, I’d always been fascinated by love and if you were to ask any of my highschool friends, I’d perhaps been more obsessed with the idea of it than as you put it, truly being in love. I wanted the pain, the sacrifice, the tears, and the heartbreak – I believed that nights spent sobbing into my pillow would amount to something. I believed that love would and could conquer all. Fast forward to college and after 5 years spent crushing on a guy whom I’d barely even had a decent conversation with (I was in love with the idea of him and projecting what I thought should be love onto him) – I met my first love. That was the first time I tore myself open and handed my heart and everything I had on a platter to him. Think: Arwynn at the beginning of YHMAL. We never did end up together (though he’d tell me I was one of the most important people in his life and that had been enough for me) – he got back with his and threw away our friendship by ghosting me completely.

But when I wrote YHMAL, I wasn’t in love. It had been about 3 years since that last devastating heartbreak and I had pulled myself together (I still had to see him around university though as he attended the same one I did). Still, my fascination with love continued and what saddened me tremendously was hearing how my friends approached their relationships and their views on love. My thoughts on love were labeled as ideal while I was frustrated at how the whole world seemed to be so jaded and cynical. Don’t get me wrong – as beautiful and whimsical as Disney fairytale endings are, I don’t have rose tinted glasses on. I may not believe in the thousand roses and fireworks in the background dream – but I believe in how enduring love can be. And that was when I just knew I had to write a story about that. About how love can conquer all – and I don’t mean it in a sappy, cliché sorta way. And by conquer, I don’t just mean two star-crossed lovers getting together, but by overcoming inner demons and growing as individuals as well. It was my way of saying and putting it out in the universe: “Listen, I may not have gone through it and it may never come for me, but I believe that somewhere out there, true love exists. And if this story can give someone the same hope I have, so be it.”

I feel that a lot of myself went into Arwynn at the beginning – all my hopes, dreams, wants, desires, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. I wanted the buildup, I wanted the sensuality tied in with the emotions so that when the heartbreaking scenes happened, it would hurt twice as much. I wanted to showcase Arwynn’s tenacity and how even if the rest of the world called her stupid and weak, she’d hold on tight. Because that too, in some form or another, is her strength. That determination and unwavering devotion.

I’d always had that ending in my head. A strange fact about all my stories – I always have the ending first before I develop the main plot and start of it. And while I’d always meant to write her growing stronger and realising that there was strength too in knowing when to walk away and when to prioritise yourself first – something else happened in my real life. I became deeply involved with someone who wanted nothing more than a fling. I’d never been with a guy and at the age of 23, he was my first kiss. With him, it was everything I’d envisioned a passionate relationship to be. I’m sure you can tell by now that I’m the sort of person who cannot separate emotions and sex. We never did go all the way – but our physical chemistry burned bright enough that when he realised I was looking for something deeper, he pulled out and I was the only one left torched. I was so badly affected by it, I had to go on a hiatus with this story. It wasn’t love – this much I knew. But I knew it could have been. Given time. Given effort on his part. It was difficult and painful to write a story about love when all I wanted to do was run from it. It was damn near impossible to write Loki when so many aspects of that character reminded me of the one guy who had reduced me to nothing but a hot mess on the floor – figuratively and literally (fun fact: his name is also Tom, so, double whammy!).

But I’m thankful for that experience. I’m thankful for how it’s made me grown and made me realise all the things I wanted and didn’t want in a partner and relationship. It taught me to never settle for less and that I should never again shortchange myself for someone who would never prioritise me. Suddenly, it became more imperative than ever that Arwynn carved her own path. That she realised that sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean giving up – it just means you’ve realised throughout it all, you’d forgotten the one person who should matter the most: yourself. I wanted a character who refused to be jaded and cynical about love, but also had grown enough to realise that it was okay to love yourself. And that loving yourself is often hard (especially if it means giving up something or someone you’ve loved for so long) but oh-so-necessary. And bless my friend who throughout it all, once told me: “Promise me, Li-Wei. No matter how heartbroken you’ll get, never stop reading your romance novels.” So, while I’ve always had that vision in my head, I believe I could have never written it in such depth or with such temerity had I not gone through that rough patch.

In a way, it almost saddens me and perhaps that’s why I’m so protective over this story. I’m not sure if I could ever produce such a piece like that again simply because my head and heart space are no longer the same.  I’ve grown – and it’s a good thing – but sometimes, I do miss the girl I was when I was writing this piece. I also felt I was more in tune than ever with Loki (again, your thoughts on my dark!Loki brought tears in my eyes) – those motives as you’ve so eloquently put, are exactly what I’ve always envisioned his to be. He’s like a wounded animal – lashing out to hurt others before they can hurt him when all he really wants is genuineness and kind love.

It was difficult to write some parts – truly. Especially how he reacted when the book was initially burned. It was a hard decision to make because I knew in doing so, it would have pushed past a boundary. When it comes to “asshole” characters in books, I always have these visual boundaries. They can be snappy and snarky, but once they overstep that boundary – that’s it for me. I can’t bear to read on. So, it was interesting for myself to try to pick up the pieces and for me to make sure in a way, he redeemed himself. I needed him to stay true to character and I believe he would have reacted so initially and I needed a cutting point for Arwynn to realise that sometimes, what you put in (all her devotion to him), isn’t necessarily what you’ll get back. That was the first time it really sank in for her.

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. Truly. I can’t even tell you what a joy it has been to read your masterpiece on YHMAL. I actually can’t wait to wrap up my How To Love A Writer series because I want to get back on track with my other Tom series which needs rewriting. That one is going to be emotionally draining as it navigates various aspects of what it means to be married. Other than that, I do have another idea for a Loki fic planted in my head but only after said Tom fic is completed. But till then, I will forever carry with me the lines: “As the story went on, I realised that I am looking at this wrong. This is not a story about a strong woman who realises her strength. This is a story about a woman who becomes strong.” And for them, I can never thank you enough. 

#love #feedback #yhmal #you had me at loki #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #love for you had me at loki #love for yhmal #answered #omg #i love this #saiansha

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

While I was at my mom’s house over the weekend my brother and I had a series of long, rambly conversations about Tortall, and one of the things I came away with is that I really want a series rewrite of Trickster that writes out Aly and tells the entire story from Dove’s perspective. The first book could focus on Dove moving to Tenair and negotiating her relationships with Winna and Mequin and Sarai but also having her eyes opened a bit to the realities of her country. Because she was just a kid when they moved, really, albeit an extremely perceptive kid, and I don’t know quite how much social consciousness she’d developed yet. But on Tenair it’s hard to avoid. On Tenair there is no barrier between her family and the locals, not really, and Dove’s the kid of person who listens. So Dove hears about how the local Raka live. She sees the tensions between the Raka and the Luarin in the villages and on the estate. And she sees how they all watch Sarai, silently, constantly, expectantly.

She watches, and she listens, and she talks it over with her father -- not all of it, not the stuff about Sarai, but the racial politics. And he looks at her and sighs, because she’s twelve and he loves her and she shouldn’t have to think about these things, but he talks with her about it, because she’s half Raka and will inherit this world his ancestors built and deserves to know about it. And Mequen’s a moderate, a believer, someone who puts all of his faith in his friends and truly, genuinely believes that the current system can be fixed. He knows more than he lets on about the prophecy and about his family -- he and Sarguani talked about it once, just once, in hushed voices, when they found out that her first child would be a daughter -- but he desperately wants to believe -- needs to believe -- that there is a peaceful way.

But then Bronau attacks, and Mequen is killed by a man he considered nearly a brother, and Dove realizes that they cannot count on the system to protect them. She already knows that the crown actively despises the Raka; now she realizes that the crown cares only slightly more for the Luarin, for the nobility, for its own blood relations. She goes to find Ulasim the very next day.

The second book can stay basically the same. The Balitang family goes back to Rajmuat. Dove, a member of the Raka conspiracy in her own right by now, a young lady rather than a child, takes on a more active role against Ulasim’s wishes. She has the blood as much as her sister, and she will not be part of any regime that doesn’t talk to the people. Ulasim, who sees in her the same fire as he sees in Sarai, as he saw in Sarugani, backs down.

And so things escalate. Navigating the regent’s court, from Dove’s perspective, would be heartbreaking and fascinating and infuriating. Gone is the detached observational tone we get from Aly. Instead we watch as Dove swallows the insults and the condescension. We watch as Dove’s little brother befriends the young king, as Dove herself makes conversation with Taybur and slowly, unwillingly, comes to the heartwrenching realization that both boys are in terrible danger and that there is only so much she can do to protect them. Her influence only goes so far, and she knows enough of the rebellion, of its scope and its stakes, to know how much she would be asking of them if she asked for mercy. 

Sarai, proud, headstrong, passionate, chafing desperately under the expectations placed upon her by everyone, takes her life into her own hands and flees. Dove reads her farewell letter and sees in the eyes of every Raka in that room that, in their minds, all is ruined. She lifts her head and sticks out her chin and, the moment they return to Rajmuat, reminds them that Sarai was not Sarugani’s only daughter. They argue -- she is too young, she is too serious, she does not know what a burden she will be taking up -- but she stands her ground and, in the end, whether because they believe in her or because they have run out of options, the leaders of the rebellion accept her as their future queen.

The regents -- guided by Kyprioth, who cares nothing for individual lives, who plays a game of chess on a cosmic scale and sees his chosen as pawns and barely notices anyone else -- give the order to create a storm. The king’s ship is dashed to pieces by the waves. Dove watches Winna, watches Taybur, watches the Raka leaders, and does not know how to feel. She goes to the rebellion’s leaders later, after she has put Winna to bed, and looks at them, her face still wet with tears, her gown a mess from the long wait in the storm, and says that she will not start her reign with the blood of children. She cannot -- will not -- ask for a bloodless revolution. Her people have gone through too much and the Luarin hold their power too jealously. But this, the murder of children for no crime other than the blood flowing through their veins, cannot be a precedent, cannot be a roadmap for things to come. Someone says something about the God, and Dove glances up towards the ceiling and says, to both the Raka and to Kyprioth, that if the God has a problem with that he can deal with her directly.

(He does. He comes to see her that night, in all his glory, comes to meet the girl who will free him from his shackles. He takes her on a tour of the Isles, soars across emerald jungles and sparkling seas, and tells her that soon it will all be hers. She shakes her head and says that, no, soon it will be theirs, and he looks at her like he’s never seen her before before sweeping her up into a hug.)

Dove dances through the minefield that is the royal court, learns from Ulasim how to rule and from the regents how not to, studies history and economy and geography, talks to shopkeepers and sailors and beggars. She watches as the crown soldiers trample the poor, notes how they mow down Raka and Luarin alike, and weaves this into her conversations. With growing rapidity, Rajmuat comes to a boiling point.

And then it happens. The riot spreads and becomes open revolt. Dove flies a kudarung over the city and when she lands the rebellion leaders welcome her as their Queen. She watches, safely in the skies, watches as her people fight and bleed, ostensibly for her but truly for themselves, for their own freedom and dignity, for their children and grandchildren. Even as she lands before the Grey Palace, before Taybur opens its doors and offers it to her without a fight, Dove swears that she will not let her people down.

#(aly goes off to be kally's bodyguard in carthak #there is an entire different set of novels to be written about kally in carthak #which i will read in a heartbeat if they're ever written) #tortall