#i like many others in the year of our lord 2020 stopped listening to music as much | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tearsofgrace · 4 years

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I Love Led Zeppelin

written for suptober 2020 day 11: rock and roll

word count: 3.1k tags: so much zeppelin, HAPPY ENDING, that’s right i wrote happy shit, angst, fluff, love confessions

also on archive!

“I want to know why you chose them,” Cas said petulantly.

Dean turned onto the highway and glanced at Cas. “I told you. They’re just the best Zepp songs.”

Cas just stared at him. And Dean stared right back. The angel wasn’t winning this one. Because if he started talking, it would all become too obvious.

As if giving him a damn mixtape wasn’t already obvious, he thought. He looked away. Not because he was letting Cas win, but because he hadn’t looked at the road in a while and getting in a car crash wasn’t in the cards for today.

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, man.”

“What about this one?” Cas asked, and Dean stopped listening to the music. It had been Cas’ idea to listen to the mixtape, and after getting over his shock that Cas still had it, he agreed. He loved Zeppelin, what could go wrong?

“Ten Years Gone” was playing, and he pushed back a smile. He remembered choosing this one, listening to the lyrics, knowing how perfectly it fit. Robert Plant had written it for an old girlfriend who’d made him choose between music and her. And ten years later, he looked back on where he was.

It was stupid. God, he knew it was stupid. But he’d chosen it because Cas hadn’t chosen his music: Heaven. Cas had chosen them, and here they were, ten years later.

“I chose it because I like the chords,” he finally answered as the song came to an end.

“Oh,” Cas said.

The opening lines of “Ramble On” came on and Dean smiled. God, he loved Zeppelin. He and Sam didn’t listen to music enough in the car anymore. It brought back memories. The good memories from his childhood.

“Why did you add this one?” Cas sounded so serious, so sincere. And this one, this one Dean could answer. It wasn’t like some of the other songs on the tape.

“Kinda loved the Lord of the Rings imagery, but if you tell Sam you’re dead.” Cas laughed softly and Dean joined him. “And,” he took a breath, “I don’t know, it’s kinda like us, right? Like we have to keep going, no matter what evils we’re facing.”

“I like it,” Cas said quietly.

Dean reached over and turned it up, singing along dramatically because he knew Cas would get a kick out of it. Sam would have called him annoying, but not Cas. His friendship (friendship? That what you want Dean?) was so different with Cas.

When the song ended, and “Whole Lotta Love” came on, he almost reached over to shut it off. A blush rose in his cheeks as he remembered picking this one, confident Cas wouldn’t know what it was talking about, confident he’d never have to confront Cas about it. He remembered recording it, his mind drifting to Cas even as he tried to stop it.

He was lifting his hand to the skip button when Cas covered his hand and pushed it back to the seat. Dean hated how much he wished Cas’ hand would just stay there. But it didn’t. It never did.

“I wondered about this one,” Cas said thoughtfully. Dean gulped, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. “It’s very,” Cas paused, and he could feel his eyes boring into the side of his head. He was sure his cheeks were flaming. “Very aggressive,” he finally finished.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” He let his eyes flick quickly to Cas and immediately regretted it. He looked so innocent, so clueless, but Dean could see the slight smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. “C’mon, man it’s a great song,” he said, gluing his eyes back to the road.

“I thoroughly enjoy it.”

Dean gulped again, pictured Cas listening to it, hearing the lyrics. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and kept his lips firmly closed until the next song started.

The opening guitar line of “Stairway to Heaven” played and he immediately relaxed.

“Sam said you shouldn’t have picked this one. He said it was too overplayed,” Cas said before they were even thirty seconds into the song. And Dean almost ran them off the road right then.

“Sam knows about-” he cut himself off. No, that was too obvious. “Uh, why’d Sam say that?”

“I was listening to the song. And I told him you gave me a mixtape with your favorite Led Zeppelin songs and told him which song I was listening to. He said it isn’t even their best song.”

Shit. There wasn’t a chance in hell Sam didn’t know what giving someone a damn mixtape meant. At least Cas had been listening to “Stairway” but still. Dammit.

“He’s right,” he said, trying to control his voice. “It’s not their very best, but c’mon it’s a classic. I couldn’t just not add it. You have to admit, it’s a good song.”

“It’s my favorite on the tape,” Cas said.

Dean snorted. Of course it was. He wasn’t going to fault Cas for it, though. It was an amazing song. They let the song play out in silence, and Dean let himself let go. Just let it roll over him, let Cas’ presence steady him.

Next came “Kashmir,” which was another easy answer. It was a classic. But Dean always saw it as more than that. It was about the journey, not the destination, reaching for some distant horizon. That’s how he thought of his time with Cas. He got to enjoy the journey, even if they would never really reach the end, not the end he wanted anyway. It was gonna end bloody. One or both of them dead.

When “Going to California” started Dean smiled and went soft. John used to play this one after a really long hunt, and Dean hadn’t even learned the lyrics for years. He just loved the way it felt, the way everything weaved together and created a very specific feeling in him every time.

“I love this one,” Cas said quietly, as if to preserve the moment. “I like to think we can all get a fresh start.”

“Me too,” Dean answered. A fresh start. They’d had so many… way more than their fair share. But they still got more, still gave each other more, over and over. He didn’t know why Cas was even still with them, why he hadn’t turned tail and run ages ago. But he was glad for it.

“Black Dog” and “Travelling Riverside Blues” were next. He told Cas they were classics. Didn’t tell him that both of them were his mom’s favorites. Both of them were part of the reason she fell in love with John. Both of them made him think that maybe he could have something like that, even when he knew it wasn’t possible.

There were only a few songs left. And if Cas hadn’t figured it out already, these would make it painfully obvious that he chose these songs very specifically. That he chose them for Cas.

“Tangerine” started and he smiled. He loved how slow this one started, how sweet it was. He would never admit it out loud, but it was right up there with “Ramble On” and “Travelling Riverside Blues” for his favorite song.

He almost didn’t add it. Because it was so obvious. But also because it just wasn’t him and Cas. They would never have that sweet, innocent new love. There was so much baggage between them, so much to wade through before even finding a hint of love. But Dean knew it was there. If only brotherly on Cas’ side, it was there. And this song, this reminiscing on a sweet, beautiful relationship, it’s what he wanted with Cas. So sue him if he added it to the list.

“There’s a lot of love songs on this mixtape,” Cas noted. Dean glanced at him sharply, trying to gauge what he really meant. But with Cas, he always just said what he meant. There was very rarely a double meaning, a hint at something that wasn’t there.

“Yeah, there is,” he agreed, his breathing shallow. “Zeppelin has a lot of ‘em.” It wasn’t a lie… but Zepp also had plenty of non-love songs.

He almost sighed audibly when “Good Times Bad Times” came on next.

Cas didn’t have to ask at this point. He just stared at Dean until he answered the unspoken question.

“Chose this one cuz it’s our lives, ya know?” Dean ran his hands over the leather and glanced at the mile marker; they were just a few miles away from the town. Maybe they wouldn’t even make it to the end of the tape. “I mean, it’s mostly shit. But we have good times too.”

“We do,” Cas agreed seriously. And Dean allowed himself a small smile. He hated himself for loving that Cas had already listened to this start to finish multiple times, had kept it through multiple apocalypses, actually cared that Dean had taken the time to put it together. Because it didn’t mean the same thing to Cas. He wanted it to. But it didn’t.

There were only three songs left. They were as blindingly transparent as he could possibly be. And the fact they were on a homemade mixtape only added to it. But Cas… Cas wouldn’t understand.

“Fool in the Rain” was the beginning of the end. It wasn’t like it was one of Zepp’s most famous songs, but Dean had always loved it. It sounded almost idiotic on the surface, a lover waiting on the wrong block in the rain. But Dean had always seen it as more than that. Maybe he was being too deep… but, for one, there wasn’t anything in the song that suggested it was a man and a woman. And as a kid, he’d liked that. He liked to let it be whoever he wanted, let it represent whatever he needed. He wouldn’t get caught dead telling anyone else he’d even noticed that, but he’d always love the song because of that.

As he’d gotten older, he grew to love it even more. To him, it sounded like one sided love. Like someone who was waiting desperately for a sign that they would ever be loved back. But they were looking in the wrong place and they wouldn’t ever find it. As Robert Plant sang “My heart it sinks to the ground/And the storm that I thought would blow over/Clouds the light of the love that I found,” Dean resisted the urge to say something, to tell Cas, This is me. This is me because I’ll never have you.

“Why this one?” Cas prompted.

Dean cleared his throat. “Listen to his voice, dude. It’s amazing.”

He risked another glance at Cas, saw his eyes narrow and his head tilt, and knew he wasn’t satisfied with that answer. But it wasn’t like he could tell him the truth.

There were only two songs left. Two Dean had wanted to put on so badly that he couldn’t resist, no matter how obvious they were. He kept telling himself Cas wouldn’t even care enough to listen, much less to listen closely. Obviously that hadn’t worked.

Before he could turn off the music, claiming they were only five minutes out anyway, the soft vocal intro of “What Is and What Should Never Be” started.

Real smooth, Winchester, he thought. Putting a song about forbidden romance on a mixtape for your best friend.

“I understand this one,” Cas said.

Dean blinked and focused on the road, searching for the sign that would take them to the motel.

“You what?”

“I understand it. I don’t understand why you included it, but I understand it. Sometimes love just isn’t meant to be. Sometimes it isn’t possible, no matter how beautiful, how perfect it is.”

Dean nodded slowly. Was there someone in Cas’ past life he didn’t know about? Or even worse, someone he knew right now?

He didn’t respond to Cas. He didn’t know what to say.

They pulled into the motel as the final note played and Dean turned off the car, shutting off the music with it.

“What about the last song?” Cas asked.

Dean’s heart rate picked up and he felt his ears burning hot. He’d put it last. Maybe in hope that Cas wouldn’t get to it, or maybe because it perfectly closed what he was trying to say. What he felt.

“We, um,” he took a deep breath and let it out. “We have to check in, buddy, it’s late.”

“I want to listen to it, Dean,” Cas said, fixing him with those intense blue eyes. And really, no one could say no to that.

Dean restarted the car, trying to let the pleasant hum of Baby’s motor calm him down.

If the sun refused to shine I would still be loving you

The opening lines played through the speakers and Dean stopped himself from cursing loudly. He was fucked. He couldn’t sit in this car, with Cas, and pretend like this meant nothing. Like this was just another song that he really liked.

When mountains crumble to the sea There will still be you and me

He tried not to let his mind drift. Tried to ignore how silent Cas had gone. Tried not to think of those words the angel had spoken in the bunker so long ago. “Everyone you know, everyone you love... they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I'm the one who will have to watch you murder the world. So if there's even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room.” Cas would have stayed with him, even while he burned the world to the ground under the influence of the mark.

Dean took a deep breath and anxiously ran a hand through his hair.

Kind woman, I give you my all Kind woman, nothing more.

Cas shifted slightly next to him, but he didn’t dare look up.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain Tears of loves lost in the days gone by My love is strong, with you there is no wrong Together we shall go until we die My, my, my inspiration is what you are to me Inspiration look, see

So much pain. There was so much pain between them. It swirled and came to life whenever they spoke. But it didn’t matter, because Dean was never leaving Cas. He knew that now. He couldn’t do it without him.

As the guitar interlude played, he tried to calm down. To fight the panic climbing in his throat. This whole thing had been a bad idea. He should have never made the damn tape in the first place. His breathing slowed a little when the vocals came back. He could do this.

And so today, my world it smiles Your hand in mine, we walk the miles Thanks to you it will be done For you to me are the only one Happiness, no more be sad Happiness, I'm glad

The image was so clear in his mind. Him and Cas walked down an asphalt road, hand in hand, the sun in front of them and their troubles behind them. He would never have it, but it didn’t matter. He still owed Cas all his happiness, owed him his life, owed him everything. And he still never said thank you.

If the sun refused to shine I would still be loving you Mountains crumble to the sea There will still be you and me

Dean took a deep breath and looked at Cas. There was still almost a minute of instrumental in the song. It would be so easy, just to say that he liked the song. Or that it reminded him of someone. Or that he thought Cas would enjoy the sound of it.

Then Cas spoke, and he realized the angel’s eyes were wide and his lips were turned up in a smile. “Dean, please don’t lie to me. Why this one?”

He didn’t answer at first. He knew Cas would wait, and he did. They listened to the end of the song, and then the car went quiet. Dean turned the engine off and fiddled with the keys in his lap before looking back into Cas’ eyes.

“I guess,” he breathed in. He could do this. Why not? He couldn’t fuck things up with Cas more than he already had. He’d beaten him, nearly killed him, left him when he was vulnerable, yelled at him, taken him for granted. And yet, here he was. Right by Dean’s side, fighting to save the world again. “I guess I’m trying to say thank you, Cas. For sticking with us.”

Cas’ smile grew just a little, almost showing his teeth, and he held Dean’s eyes, as if waiting for him to go on. And Dean was going to leave it there, he really was. But for some reason, maybe the safety of Baby, maybe the soft way Cas was watching him, maybe the quiet begging to be filled, he went on. “I don’t want you to leave again. I don’t want to leave you. If we- If we beat God, then I still want you to stay. We take you for granted- I take you for granted. I know that. But I just- I want you here. I need you here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Good,” he said quietly, reaching for the door handle.

“Dean,” Cas said firmly. Dean paused and looked up, his heart pounding heavily in his chest. “I love you.”

His eyes widened and his thoughts swirled. He was dreaming, he had to be dreaming. Or this was a trick, someone was possessing Cas, someone was hurting him, someone was-

“It’s me, Dean.” And everything else melted away. It was Cas sitting next to him. Cas who had just spent an hour listening to Led Zeppelin with him. Cas who wasn’t leaving. Cas who had told him he loved him.

“I love you too,” he said. And it didn’t matter that Cas had just told him he loved him. Didn’t matter that Cas made him feel so safe. Didn’t matter that in spite of everything--all his doubts, all his fuckups, all his anger--he actually believed Cas wasn’t lying. He was still terrified.

Then Cas leaned across the seat and pressed their lips together, and he stopped thinking. He kissed him back gently, reveling in the taste, the softness, the electricity.

When they pulled away, he laughed softly and grinned sheepishly at the angel. Then he ejected the tape from the car and handed it to him before pressing another kiss against his lips. There were a million things he wanted to say, to explain, but there was only really one that fit.

“Thank you.”

tag list {ask to be added or removed!}:

@fandomstuff67 @menjiiii @witchyanaels @starlightcastiel @chaoticdean @larryforeveralways @samhainsam @ghostsforcas @tlakhtwritesdestiel @wanderingcas @hallowena @spooky-things-do-happen-dean @jayus-fandom-writer @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @starrynightdeancas @radiantdean @piemaker-from-gallifrey @on-a-bender @eshaninjer

#suptober20 #these are the songs on the mixtape don't fight me #long post #destiel fluff #happy ending #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #spn fan fiction #destiel fanfic #deancas fic #destiel fic #destiel ficlet #my writing

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courtteeno · 2 years

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Course Post #9: The End of the Internet

This week, after reading The Private Eye: Volume One, I have been thinking a lot about what would happen if The Cloud burst and if the Internet was no longer a thing. How different would life be? Would it be a good change or a bad change?

Image from The Private Eye: Volume One

One thing that I can’t stop thinking about is how great it would affect everyone that’s lived through these past few years. When the pandemic started in 2020, our lives suddenly shifted online. No more going to work, school, or out to see friends. If you wanted to escape the traumatic reality of a virus taking over the world, you had to escape online.

Personally throughout the pandemic, my online libraries have expanded. I started buying books to read on my Kindle app, I bought new video games to connect with my friends online, and I paid for The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy so I could escape our reality to a fantasy one. To change my reality, I expanded the number of things I own online. Many other people have done the same to change their realities as well throughout the pandemic.

Now, if the cloud did burst, what would happen to all of these things? Goodbye to all the novels I read on the Kindle app, no more video games, and The Lord of the Rings would vanish from my movie library. Suddenly, several people that purchased things online to survive through the pandemic would lose all of their reality-changing material.

To some people this thought may be comforting, no more internet to distract ourselves. But to others, this is terrifying. Suddenly, we are losing the online objects we poured hours of our lives into to comfort us during troubling times.

On top of this, we probably couldn’t even get physical copies of these items. According to Geoffrey Morrison, in “You Don’t Really Own the Digital Movies You Buy,” we don’t even own the online content we purchase. When we buy things online, we purchase the digital rights to use them, not the actual content. Additionally, when you own something, you can sell or redistribute that item as you please. I can sell any of my old DVDs in a garage sale today if I wanted to. However, you can’t sell any digital content you own. Without physically owning it, and only having the digital rights, it means that almost any digital content you own is not yours.

While it’s unlikely that we’ll lose access to everything we’ve bought online these past few years, it’s definitely possible. The Private Eye has made me wonder: do I need to start buying physical copies of what I want? Is the implication of only buying physical objects, rather than digital, worse for our world? (Would it change the environment for the worse or the space we have? Or would it create more jobs?) These answers are up to the future to decide.

“So, no, you don’t own your digital files, and theoretically you could at some point be prevented from watching or listening to them. In reality, your digital collection is probably safe for the foreseeable future—but if the very idea of a company locking you out of your movies and music makes you angry, we suggest embracing physical media such as 4K Blu-rays and CDs, which will likely survive any digital-media apocalypse.” - Geoffrey Morrison in “You Don’t Really Own the Digital Movies You Buy”

Image from https://unsplash.com/photos/EOQhsfFBhRk

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aspenflower17 · 3 years

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Finding You (Part Thirteen of ??)

Hewwo! It’s another update, coming at you kinda late but on a Sunday nonetheless! I hope everyone had a good holiday season, and that these last couple days of 2020 are being nice. I’m calmly greeting the new year and hoping it doesn’t get flustered 🙄

Anywho, if you’re new here, here’s a link to Part One for you, if you so choose to read it!

Tags because they’re great (both the tags and the people!): @simpingforsatan @naimena @hachimochi @wrathandgreed @magi-minminxiii @rensphilia @a-dream-at-night @chloelikesobeyme @getbehindme-satan @theuglypugling @oofthelazyweeb (If you want to be put in the tags, let me know in a comment or dm me!)

Satan/ F!Mc

Word Count: 2,366

Trigger Warnings: Light... bullying? Maybe...

“Ah, there you are Satan,” Lucifer said when he walked into the room.

“Found him flirting,” Asmo giggled, walking in behind him, “I’m sure you can guess with who.”

“Ugh. Normies,” Levi huffed from behind his gaming console.

“You work fast,” Belphie smirked, a glint of mischief in his purple eyes.

“I… Just heard music, and followed it,” Satan sighed.

“Oh yes, because so many people in this castle play music,” Asmo teased, “You knew exactly what you were doing.”

“I… Let’s just go eat.”

“Hehe, you basically just admitted you were looking for her!” Asmo practically sang.

“Asmodeus. Now is not the time or place for this. We are in mixed company and we are late for dinner. Please refrain from other comments,” Lucifer scolded.

“Psh. You’re no fun tonight,” Asmo pouted, though he went quiet after that.

Satan watched Lucifer as they made their way to the dining hall. He knew Lucifer wasn’t looking forward to being forced to spend time with Michael, but there seemed to be another level to his annoyance. Actually, thinking about it, this new attitude started after the ball. What’s got him so upset?

His thoughts were cut short by Barbatos’ sudden appearance, “If you’ll follow me this way.”

“Ah, Barbatos. I do apologize. We had a… disappearance,” Lucifer shot Satan a glare, to which Satan responded with an eye roll.

“It is quite alright. M… Jane explained everything to us. Lord Diavolo is very excited to hear he helped her finish her composition, and is looking forward to them performing it for us tonight,” he said this with a look at Satan that left no room for argument.

“As long as… Jane is alright with it.”

Barbatos smiled and nodded his head, “Glad to hear,” then to Lucifer, “His Lord is very happy you are all here. We have quite a feast prepared tonight, including…” Barbatos turned and started walking, the brothers all following. Satan stopped listening, instead, focusing on the square envelope in his jacket pocket. He knew he’d have to wait until he was in the seclusion of his bedroom, but he really wanted to hear what she had to say. She had been friendly toward him earlier, so he desperately hoped her letter would be something positive. Even the small amounts of time he’d been able to spend with her had been the best he had had since she had left. He could feel himself loosening up, her presence a balm to his pain and anger. Though she was now an angel, one that didn’t remember their relationship, one that had grown up in the Celestial Realm, at her core she still had the same soul. The one he and all his brothers had fallen for. The one that had picked him last time. If there was any chance for him to win her back, he would use it and regain what he lost.

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“Oh, that reminds me of the time he started drunk texting everyone! It was during the first exchange program and he decided we needed to have a drinking contest. Remember that Lucifer? He ended up texting everyone close to him to tell them he loved them! I remember Simeon approaching me, wanting to make sure he was okay. The look on his face when I told him it was because Lucifer got drunk!” Diavolo and Michael started laughing, though they were the only ones.

The dinner had started off fine. Michael had seemed nervous, not saying anything for a good ten minutes besides greetings to the brothers. The brothers themselves were polite, though not friendly. They all worked towards letting Michael know that, talking to everyone but him. And why shouldn’t they? Their human was back, though not a human anymore. Even Levi had started talking to her when Diavolo had started his stories.

“Michael, did I ever tell you about the first time Lucifer came down to the Devildom?” Diavolo’s voice was loud and left everyone silent.

Levi, who was about to respond to something Mc had asked, sighed and leaned back in his chair pouting.

“I don’t believe you have.”

“Well, let me tell you about it. When I first saw Lucifer….” And Diavolo continued. Lucifer was trying very hard to act like he couldn’t hear Diavolo. The way he gripped his fork and his very stiff behavior gave him away. Someone would have to be deaf not to hear Diavolo, which was the point, “And then he left. Though I had said I wasn’t looking for friendship, I couldn’t help but be drawn to him. After he asked if we could speak again… Let’s just say, I was overjoyed. I never expected things to turn out the way they did from that first meeting, but I’m glad they did.”

“I remember him coming back up to the Celestial Realm. I was in the room while he gave our Father his report. He did mention the bad soil, and that he thought your very good manners and hospitality were all an act. He did mention how he did think we should consider your olive branch if you will. I will admit, I thought the whole idea preposterous the first time I heard it, but seeing as how I’m here now, it seems it’s not as crazy as it sounds.”

“I appreciate that Michael,” Diavolo smiled. To anyone looking closely, there was almost a ghost of a smile on Lucifer’s face. Then Diavolo gasped, his eyes shining, “Oh, I totally forgot about the time Lucifer got a cake to the face!” Lucifer abruptly stiffened again, more rigid than he had been before, the red of his eyes seeming to alight.

The conversation devolved from there, the two sharing stories back and forth. Lucifer had broken his fork by holding it too tightly, though he didn’t seem to have registered what he’d done. The glow of his power and displeasure were starting to swirl around his being. Barbatos had left the room to get him another one and was yet to return. Everyone else in the room was slowly inching away from the Avatar of Pride.

“That reminds me of when he-”

“Lucifer!”

All eyes turned toward Mc who had been sitting next to him the whole time but who now seemed intent on speaking to him. Michael, who had been cut off, looked at her in confusion. As Lucifer’s eyes landed on her she visibly shivered, but continued, “I hear you play piano, and are very accomplished at that.”

“Yes, I do.” The answer was curt and so cold it was almost frozen.

“Oh Mc, you should hear him play! He started playing in the Celestial Realm, and I’ve never heard anyone before or since that-”

“That’s great Michael,” Mc answered, cutting him off for a second time, “When I play for you all tonight, would you be willing to make any notes on what I can improve on? It’s been so long since I’ve met someone who could actually give me an honest opinion and real constructive criticism, I would definitely regret it if I didn’t ask you,” she then looked at him with such veneration, Satan instantly felt jealous. Did he not tell her he had worked really hard to get as good at Lucifer? If she wanted pointers, she should just ask him.

Lucifer blinked a couple of times before answering, most of the anger gone from his voice, “If you would like.”

“Really? Oh, I would appreciate that so much! Oh, I can barely wait now!”

Could she be…

“I’ve eaten my fill if you would like some direction now…”

“I’ve eaten enough as well. Would that be alright, Lord Diavolo?”

“That should be fine. In fact, if no one has any objections, how about we all adjourn to the music room. I am very curious to hear the song you’ve been working on.”

Beel looked down at his plate with disappointment, though he quickly shoved the food in his mouth, but no one else had any objections, so they all started to make their way to the music room. Lucifer had latched onto Mc’s arm, talking quietly with her. Satan glared at his back, though he was glad Mc had saved him from Michael and Diavolo so tactfully. She had been able to save his pride and even stoak it a little, ensuring the situation diffused.

“She’s really good at this,” Asmo whispered in Satan’s ear.

“Of course she is,” Satan answered more curtly than he meant to.

“Awww, is someone jealous?” Asmo teased.

“How could I not be?”

“I guess. He’s not the one she’s going to be performing with though,” Asmo answered, before rushing forward to talk to Luke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Satan sat next to Mc at the piano bench, needing to wait until his part. Though he tried not to, his eyes kept wandering to her face, so expressive as she played. He almost missed his entrance, though the pause was a bit more dramatic that way. They performed as well as they had earlier, possibly better since they’d already played it once before, though it didn’t feel as intimate as it had before. He could only assume it was because they now had a crowd. Well, that and the fact Lucifer was hovering now. When they finished, everyone clapped, Mammon actually whistling.

“I can tell the ending was composed earlier today,” Lucifer began before the clapping had subsided, “It was much less polished than the rest of the piece. I also noticed Satan almost missed his cue...-”

“Would it be better if I were to play some of my other pieces?” Mc cut in. Lucifer had been looking at Satan, about to say something more, “I know it’s good to have feedback when you haven’t nearly perfected a piece, but since I’m looking for the feedback… Oh, I do need a ” She gestured a bit helplessly.

“Very well. Let’s do that then.”

Satan exited the bench, Mc moving to the middle again. Lucifer remained where was at which annoyed Satan. He wasn’t sure if she had intervened in Lucifer’s little rant on purpose, but he was grateful for it. He wasn’t really used to being the brother that was chewed out in public, and he knew he was rusty, but he hadn’t come to the dinner tonight expecting to play for everyone. Not that he couldn’t have handled it had it happened.

The familiar sounds of Bach’s Prelude No. 1 in C Major began, though a bit slower than Satan was used to. He wasn’t surprised Mc knew the song. It was the type of music that would be played in the Celestial Realm. It was a beautiful song, though he would’ve preferred one of her own compositions. He was also a bit confused as to why she was playing it slower than one usually would.

When she was done, Lucifer said the one thing he’d been thinking, “That wasn’t the right tempo.”

“I apologize about that,” Mc blushed, “I’m still getting used to this instrument.” She was getting used to…

Lucifer had the decency to look chagrined, “I apologize I should’ve realized.”

“Oh, it’s alright. I did ask for pointers. I’ve been practicing for a bit now, so I hope it sounds alright.”

“I did notice…” Lucifer launched into a whole rant, Mc paying attention the whole time, even asking for pointers when she didn’t fully understand what he meant. Having made himself feel better by having his ego stroked a bit and by bossing someone around, Lucifer sat down simply listening to her play.

There were some more classics by human composers and some of her own creation. Each one was absolutely beautiful and Satan found himself more and more impressed by just how accomplished she was. She had said he had influenced her a great deal when she was young, but what he saw was not just a child being impressionable. It was the zeal of someone who clearly enjoyed learning and wanted to better themselves. All too soon she asked for a reprieve, having played for a half-hour at least.

“Satan, why don’cha play us somethin’?” Mammon asked, turning towards him.

“Huh?”

“Yeah. It’s been a while since you’ve sat down and played something,” Asmo added, winking at him.

“I don’t even know what I’d play.”

“What about ‘Read My Heart’? I like that one,” Beel suggested, smiling over at him.

“That song’s for…” Satan trailed off.

“Exactly. Now, get your butt up there and play it,” Belphie sighed.

Satan approached the instrument slowly. The whole thing had started as a dare. Before Mc had officially chosen him, there had been a lot of back and forth between the brothers over who Mc’s favorite was. An idea that had been put forward was for each of them to write Mc a song. Satan knew his brothers were throwing their all into the song to make it as amazing as they could, Asmo actually bringing in a team to help him with his song, so he had thrown his all in as well, though he went with one instrument that he played himself to make sure it was as authentic as possible, putting every feeling he had for her into the song. His worry about her mortality, which had been well-founded. All the new feelings of love. Contentment. Acceptance. Belonging. Everything. He had been extremely satisfied with the results, though, just like most of their earlier “contests” it didn’t really decide anything.

He had never expected to play this song ever again. Mc had died. What was the point of ever playing it again? He’d written it for her anyway. But… she was back, and she was sitting right there. She had also never heard the song he’d written for her. She’d cried last time she heard it. Would she feel the same way this time?

His hands played the familiar keys, the notes ringing out just the way he remembered. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to get the first line out, he became so overwhelmed with emotion. He did though, his voice strong. He hoped the lyrics would reach her. Would help her come back to him.

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Part Fourteen

#obey me!#OBEY ME #obey me! swd #obey me swd #obey me satan #obey me satan x mc #obey me satan/mc #obey me mc #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me lucifer #obey me diavolo #obey me michael #obey me fic #aspenflower17 #my writing

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for-your-therapeutic-smile · 4 years

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They Never Teach You How to Stop

Rarely do I lack the words to express myself. Perhaps this reflects my failure to maintain my journal consistently throughout 2020. Here goes an honest attempt to capture and document my mental state and the fatigue of Covid, the inertia of this shelter-in-place, the anxiety of this political crisis we face as a nation, the pressure of being a 1L in law school against the backdrop of civil unrest and Justice Ginsburg’s death, coming out - my dad told me he was disappointed -, the possible erosion of my relationship with someone I love, and this feeling of absolute dread and resentment for a system that continuously fails my and future generations (robbing us of a social contract that promised life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness), among many other things I’m too tired to consider. When did we accept a $0 baseline as the American Dream? Oh, to be debt free - free from this punishment for having pursued an education. Stifling the educated to prevent them (myself included) from organizing and mobilizing the masses so we can supplant this system with a better one is the overall objective of the oppressive class (read: Pedagogy of the Oppressed); it’s the conflict between the bourgeois and the proletariat. The proletariat has swallowed the middle class, leaving only the ruling class. I am essentially on autopilot, forcing myself to go through the motions so I can survive another day. I know others join me in this mental gymnastics of unparalleled proportions, one social scientists and medical researchers will soon study and subsequently publish their findings in an attempt to explain the unexplainable. Despite a lack of air circulation, we are breathing history; the constitution, like our societal norms, must adapt accordingly. Judge Barrett: there is no place for originalism. While I seldom admit weakness or an inability to manage life’s curveballs, this series of unfortunate events seems almost too much to bear.

And yet somehow I continue to find the energy to submit assignments due at 11:59 p.m., write this post at 1:38 a.m., “sleep”, wake at 7 a.m. so I can read and prepare (last minute!) the assigned material leading into my torts or contracts class. I find the energy to text my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) so I can attempt to salvage the real and genuine connection we have, cook elaborate meals to find some solace, wrestle with whether or not to hit my yoga mat (I don’t), apply to a fellowship for the school year and summer internships, prepare my dual citizenship paperwork, manage a campaign for two progressive politicians, and listen to music in an attempt to stay sane . . . ~*Queues John Mayer’s “War of My Life” and “Stop This Train”*~ . . . I realize I have to be kinder to myself, give credit where credit is due. I hate feeling self-congratulatory though.

Mostly, I am too afraid of the repercussions if I stop moving at a mile/minute, that I can just work away the pain and be the superhuman who numbs himself from the low-grade depression and nervous breakdown. My body tells me to slow down, as evidenced by the grinding of my teeth, but I take on more responsibility because people rely on me. I must show up. I am a masochist in that way. This is what I signed up for and I’ll be damned if I don’t carry through on my promise to do the work. Pieces of my soul scattered about like Horcruxes, though they’re pure, not evil, so I hope nobody resolves to destroy them.

My mind rarely rests. It’s 3:08 a.m., one of the lonelier hours where night meets morning; it’s the hour for and of intense introspection. It makes you consider pulling an all-nighter, one you reserve for an “important” school or work deadline. We always put our personal lives on the back-burner. 3 a.m. sets the tone for a potentially awful day. But that doesn’t matter right now. I’m letting some of my favorite albums play in the background: Joni Mitchell’s Blue, Mac Miller’s Circles, Rhye’s Blood, Alicia Keys’ ALICIA, Coldplay’s Ghost Stories, Frank Ocean’s Blonde, Miley Cyrus’ Dead Petz in addition to other playlists, Tiny Desk performances, and tracks (I unearthed last week, like When It’s Over by Sugar Ray). I need to feel something. I need to feel anything. I need to feel everything. We experience such a broad spectrum of emotions throughout the day that we lose track of if we don’t pause to absorb them. Music reinforces empathy; it releases dopamine.

I spent the past two hours reading through old journals and posts, as scattered as they were, on a wide range of topics: poems I had written about falling in and out love, anecdotes about my world travels, and entries on personal, political, and professional epiphanies. The other night I found one of my favorites, a previous post from my time living in Indonesia, centering on the dualities of technology. It resonated with me more than the others. To summarize, I wrote about my tendency to equate the Internet with a sense of interconnectedness (shoutout to Tumblr for being my digital journal; to Twitter for being a place of comedy and revolution; to Instagram for curating my *aesthetic*; to Facebook where I track my family’s accomplishments and connect with travel buddies displaced around the globe all searching for a home). And yet I feel incredibly lonely and disconnected whenever I spend too much time using technology, so much so that I set screen time limitations on my phone recently to curtail this obsession with constant communication and information gathering. Trump and Biden admitted that it’s unlikely we’ll know the results of the election on November 3rd during their first presidential debate. Push notifications don’t allow us to learn of trauma within the comforts of our own homes. I’m already fearing where I will be when that news breaks.

This global pandemic and indefinite shutdown of the world (economy) undeniably exacerbates these feelings. This is some personal and collective turmoil. But I was complicit in the endless scrolling and swiping of faces and places long before Covid-19. Instead of choosing to interact with my direct environment (today’s research links this behavior to the same levels of depression one feels when they play slot machines), I am still an active on all these platforms, participating the least in the most tangible one: my physical life. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of embodying fake energy to exist in systems that fail me. I am tired of the quagmire. Like Anaïs Nin, I must be a mermaid [because] I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. This particular excerpt from that 2016 entry was difficult for me to read: “The fantasy of what could have been if a certain plan had unfolded will haunt you forever if you do not come to peace with the reality of the situation. I hope you come to terms with reality.” I am not at peace with my current reality. But is anyone?

It’s a bit surreal for my peers to have suddenly started caring about international relations theory. It’s transported me back to my 2012 IR lecture at Northeastern: are you a constructivist or a feminist? Realist or liberalist? Neo? Marxist? The one no one wants you to talk about. Absent upward mobility, this is class warfare. But I cannot be “a singular expression of myself . . . there are too many parts, too many spaces, too many manifestations, too many lines, too many curves, too many troubles, too many journeys, too many mountains, too many rivers” . . . It feels like America’s wake-up call. But I know people will retreat into the comforts of capitalism if Biden wins and, well, we all enter uncharted waters together if the Electoral College re-elects #45. For those who weren’t paying attention: the world is multipolar and we are not the hegemon. Norms matter. People tend to be self-interested and shortsighted. Look to the past in order to understand the future. History, as the old adage goes, repeats itself. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Taxation without representation. Indoctrination. Welcome to the language of political discourse. Students of IR and polisci have long awaited your participation. Too little too late? Plot twist: it’s a lifelong commitment. You must continue to engage irrespective of the election outcome or else we will regress just as quickly as we progress. Now dive into international human rights treaties (International Covenant on Civil & Political Rights; International Covenant on Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights), political refugees, FGM. No one said it wasn’t dismal. But it’s important. We need buy-in.

While I am grateful for the continuation of my education, for this extended time with family, for this opportunity to be a campaign manager for two local progressive candidates (driving to Boston to pick up revised yard signs as proof that the work never stops), it would be remiss of me, however, not to admit that I am lonely: I am buried in my books, in the depressing news both nationally and globally, and in precedent-setting Supreme Court cases (sometimes for the worst, e.g. against the preservation of our environment). In my nonexistent free time I work on political asylum cases, essentially creating an enforceability framework of international law, for people fleeing country conditions so unthinkable (the irony of that work when my country falls greater into authoritarianism and oligarchy is not lost on me). I am fulfilling my dream of becoming a human rights lawyer which stems back to middle school. I saw Things I Imagined (thank you Solange). I have held an original copy of the Declaration of Independence that we sent to the House of Lords in 1778 and the Human Rights Act of 1998 while visiting the U.K. Parliamentary Archives as an intern for a Member of Parliament. This success terrifies and exhausts me; it also oxygenizes and saves me. Every decision, every sacrifice, has led me to this point.

“It’s the choosing that’s important, isn’t it?,” Lois Lowry of The Giver rhetorically asks. This post is not intended to be woe is me! I am fortunate to be in this position, to have this vantage point at such an early age, and I understand the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My life has purpose. I am committed to the work that transcends boundaries; it is larger than life itself. It provides a unique perspective. But it makes it difficult to coexist with people so preoccupied in the drama they create in their lives and the general shallowness of the world we live. It feels like there is no option to pump the brakes on any of this work, especially in light of our current climate, and that pressure oftentimes feels insurmountable. Time is of the essence. It feels, whether true or not, that hardly anyone relates to my experience, so if I don’t carve out this time to write about it, then I am neither recording nor processing it.

Tonight, in between preparing tomorrow’s coursework, I realize that I have an unprecedented number of questions about life, which startles me because typically I have the answers or at least have a goal in mind that launches me into the next phase of life or contextualizes the current one. These goals, often rooted in this capitalistic framework, in this falsity of “needing” to advance my career as a means of helping people, distract me from asking myself the existential questions, the reasons for why we live and what we fundamentally want our systems to look like; they have distracted me from real grassroots community organizing until now. They distract me from the fact that, like John Mayer, I don’t know which walls to smash; similarly, I don’t know which train to board. Right now feels like we are living through impossible and hopeless times and I don’t want to placate myself into thinking otherwise despite my relatively optimistic outlook on life. As we face catastrophic circumstances – the consequences of this election and climate change (famine, refugees, lack of resources) – I do not want to live in perpetual sadness. I am searching for clarity and direction so I can step into a better, fuller version of myself.

It’s now 3:33 a.m. Here is the list of questions that I have often asked myself in different stages of life, but recently, until now, I have not been willing to confront for fear that I might not be able to answers them. But I owe it to myself to pose them here so I can have the overdue conversation, the one I know leads me to better understanding myself:

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What do you want the future to hold? What groundwork are you going to do to ensure it happens?

What does your ideal day/week/month/year/decade look like? Why?

With whom do you want to spend your days? Why?

Who do you love and care about? Have you told people you care about that you love them? Does love and vulnerability scare you?

What do you expect of people – of yourself, of your partner, of your family, and of your friends? Should you have those expectations? Why or why not?

What do you feel and why?

What relaxes you? What scares you? What brings you joy?

What do you want to improve? Why?

What do you want to forgive yourself for and why?

Does the desire to reinvent yourself diminish your ability to be present?

Do you have a greater fear of failure or success? Why?

How do you escape the confines of this broken system? How do you break from the guilt of participation in it and having benefited from it?

How do we reconcile our daily lives with the fact that we’re living through an extinction event? This one comes from my friend (hi Jeanne) and a podcast she listened to recently.

How do you help people? How do you help yourself? Are you pouring from an empty cup?

How will you find joy in your everyday responsibilities, in the mission you have chosen for yourself? What, if any, will be the warning signs to walk away from this work, in part or in its entirety? Without being a martyr, do you believe in dying for the cause?

So here are some of the lessons I have learned during this quarantine/past year:

“I’ve Got Dreams to Remember,” so do not take your eyes off them. Chasing paper does not bring you happiness.

Be autonomous, particularly in your professional life.

Focus on values instead of accolades.

Do everything with intention and honest energy.

Listen to Tracy Chapman’s “Crossroads” & Talkin’ Bout a Revolution for an energy boost and reminder that other revolutionaries have shared and continue to share your fervent passion . . . “I’m trying to protect what I keep inside, all the reasons why I live my life” . . . When self-doubt nearly cripples you and you yearn a few minutes to run away when in reality you can’t escape your responsibilities, go for a drive and queue up “Fast Car” . . . “I got no plans, I ain’t going nowhere, so take your fast car and keep on driving.”

With that said, take every opportunity to travel (you can take the work with you if absolutely necessary). Go to Italy. Buy the concert ticket and lose yourself in the moment. Remember that solo excursions are equally as important as collective ones. But, from personal experience, you prefer the company. Find the balance.

Detach from the numbers people keep trying to assign to measure your personhood.

Closely examine the people in your inner circle and ask them for help when you need it.

“And life is just too short to keep playing the game . . . because if you really want somebody [or something], you’ll figure it out later, or else you will just spend the rest of the night with a BlackBerry on your chest hoping it goes *vibration, vibration*” (John Mayer’s Edge of Desire) . . . so love fiercely and unapologetically.

Be specific.

Go to therapy even when life is good.

#reflection #covid #quarantine #late nights #music #revolution #diary #politics #john mayer #alicia keys #tracy chapman #love #dear diary #travel #writing #personal #mental health

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sawdustandgin · 3 years

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A Year of Happiness, Joy and Sarcasm: My 2020 in Review

Absolutely nothing needs to be said about the year of our lord 2020 that hasn’t already been shouted from every social media platform like a shrieking alarm alerting us that the ship is sinking. We know. We’re all wet.

I will not remember 2020 as mask-clad because I didn’t take any photos while wearing one.

Every December, I reflect on the year through a short essay, allowing myself many opportunities to gush about the music that I didn’t include on my best-of lists but that I still loved dearly. (Though I guess I skipped last year. I found an abandoned draft the other day…) And consistently, I have regarded each year as one of transition.

I don’t have clear career aspirations outside of wanting to engage with music as deeply and personally as I can; my only concrete life plan is to profile small towns across the country through the lens of its local music scene. So, with this nebulous image of a future endeavor, I have had a tumultuous time with money since losing my job two years ago. I realized fairly quickly, after only a few months of foundering at it, that I was unable to freelance my way to a liveable income. And in all honesty, this was for the best—nothing hurts worse than realizing the activity you are most passionate about has become a chore. I stopped worrying about pitching editors and trying to rub elbows, and I got to work applying for jobs. I, incredibly luckily, secured one after a few more months. The adjustment to being unemployed was a leap for me and my deep desire for a routine, but the adjustment to being employed and trying to maintain a balance between day job and side gig was even harder.

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Then I loosened up a bit. Toward the end of last year, I tried to make a vow to be more consistent with the blog, but instead, I prioritized sleep. At the time, I didn’t realize that it was an either/or scenario and probably would have made a greater effort to avoid my television if I had. But ultimately, I had to accept that my relationship with music journalism was on my terms. And regardless of how [in]frequently I ‘discovered’ new artists (for myself), I wasn’t ‘missing out’ on anything.

And let’s be real, I wasn’t overly eager to listen to new stuff starting around April. I put so much energy into not losing myself in quarantine that I tuckered myself out before shit really hit the ceiling. When I began thinking toward my year-end lists in November, I began to worry that this would be my most deflated best-of season in recent memory.

That’s ok, Zoë, no one really cares about top ten lists, I can hear you thinking, colored by a fascination with my determination. But as a double cancer and pisces moon, I like to cling to the art that moves my soul (read: ~nostalgia~). And so I take great joy in spending all of December and most of January repeatedly listening to my favorite music until I conjure a partially arbitrary ranking system and create playlists galore. It really is the best time of the year.

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Of course, there are always a few titles that need no additional spins, whether due to automatic disqualification or simply because I listened so much that I know it intimately. The automatic disqualifications this year were particularly striking.

A few easy omissions were Chromatica, Positions, and Fetch the Bolt Cutters. Lady Gaga delivered her skip-less album around the time when it became clear that the pandemic was not even somewhat close to containment; my roommate and I cooked to Chromatica every night, singing along to every word. With each new record, Ariana Grande becomes a more graceful songwriter, and it also helps that Positions is a plain ol', boot-knockin’ good time. And the raw power Fiona Apple wields in Fetch the Bolt Cutters would be frightening were she not the perfect vessel to deliver it to us.

Then there is the category of albums that simply didn’t need my (albeit dim) spotlight: Set My Heart on Fire Immediately, græ, and KicK i are each masterpieces in their own right. They each move purposefully through diverse landscapes, each song a new adventure not bound by genre or expectation. Interestingly, Perfume Genius and Moses Sumney were never mainstays in my music rotation, while my love for Arca is unquestioned.

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That leads us to Re-Animator, I’m Your Empress Of and The Mosaic of Transformation, all of which I actively feel bad for disqualifying. I’m too much of a fan of Everything Everything to impartially write about their new album, though it was one of my most frequently played. I have been writing best-of lists for six years now and I would prefer to write about a constantly expanding, diverse group of artists. That means I can’t keep doting on Empress Of, despite her status as one of our best contemporary artists. Me and Us were truly just prelude to her 2020 record, whose title is a formal introduction. Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith is also the most talented analog synth musician that I personally have ever engaged with, and her latest album is everything I could have wanted.

It took some self-control (aka strict time management) to not write a few thousand words about The Ascension. Let’s recall my massive thesis on Carrie & Lowell… Yes, I am a former Catholic who thrives in the ambiguous invocation of Scripture, especially from a songwriter who quite literally shaped my taste in music. Luckily, I’m not nearly as pent up with anger and existential dread as in 2015 when I was, for the first time, processing the physical and emotional distance from my family. This elongated emotional breakdown was spurred by drama between my parents, but was also due to an irrational fear I held about my own mother’s death. Listening to Sufjan Stevens forgive his mother on her figurative deathbed has stayed with me.

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The anxiety I felt about 2020 was almost entirely external, so the gorge formed from the current of The Ascension was not nearly as deep a canyon in my heart as C&L, though it is still an affecting 80-minute journey. Stevens’ production, when coupled with his lyricism, is a breakthrough, though I do hear murmurs of folktronica from earlier in the decade. (I’m begging everyone to listen to Under Our Beds by Consilience.) And for perhaps the first time, there were songs that I occasionally skip. If I still had to commute to work, I bet they would have grown on me. In fact, this would have been a perfect driving album—one that wouldn’t cause me to weep while on the interstate. (oh Carrie. oh Lowell.)

Then there was VOL.II by my dear friend Lauren Ruth Ward. She gave me an opportunity to write a unique interview with her about the record to be printed on the inside of the gatefold, making it a permanent fixture on this most exciting of sophomore albums. I could not justify writing anything more about it, if only to preserve the sanctity of that interview, which I gave more effort and attention than any other piece of writing I had done. It was a wonderful and inspiring experience that I hope to replicate. The most heartbreaking part of the pandemic’s onset, from a social perspective, was not being able to visit Lauren after the record was released.

With all that said, 2020 was about so much more than the music I listened to. All the digital replacements for physical intimacy during lockdown made me realize that my legacy (aka all my music writing) is fragile, locked into the impermanence of the internet. So I took it upon myself to build a physical archive; in the fall, I finalized a zine template, and the first eight issues are in the can. (So far, I have 19 zines planned. Email me if you are interested in having one!)

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I’ve also been living without a front tooth since mid-March. On one hand, it’s been convenient to wear a mask to hide the hole in my mouth, but on the other hand, all I want to do is bite into an apple. (For almost two years before I even knew I had to have my tooth removed, I had been forced to slice apples before being able to eat them. The abject humiliation.) The journey with my dentists and oral surgeon has been excruciating, to say the least. Who knew three people in the same medical practice could have such mightily different styles of care? [Author’s note: I got my crown after writing this essay! :grinning-emoji:]

In sum, it was my image of myself that I was able to see a bit clearer this year. Each year I think that I’ve figured something else out about myself, which had always led me to believe that I am a most-complex, divine being. But I think a more accurate interpretation is that, put simply, I am not static. My thoughts and emotions adapt to life and life doesn’t seem to stop throwing me around like sneakers in a tumbling dryer. My pronouns are now they/them and while I don’t have many specifics as to why, I just know that this feels right.

I hope your year was at least acceptable; 2021 promises a host of new challenges, but I think we can take ‘em.

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#year in review #best of #best of 2020 #music blog #music review #Lady Gaga #Ariana Grande #Fiona Apple #Perfume Genius #Moses Sumney #Arca #Everything Everything #Empress Of #Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith #Sufjan Stevens #Consilience #Lauren Ruth Ward #2020 #year in review 2020

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skyhopedango · 4 years

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anime I’ve been watching recently

Oh hey, I’m alive. Sorta? Between work being overwhelming and my schedule being kind of out of whack my energy to do anything in my off time, other than staring at the screen, has been at an all-time low... so low I can’t even throw words on the screen to make some posts.

But hey, I’ve still been staring at the screen, and I do have some opinions that I really need to get out of my system. So, this is the stuff I’ve been watching in the past months:

Listeners: No screenshot for this one because I don’t have any lying around anymore, but anyway, yeah, this was fun? Sure, the ending was stupid and didn’t make any sense, but then again, I wasn’t watching this show for the story, or with any expectations of it being “great” or “worthy” or whatever. It was a fun way of turning off my brain for half an hour every week, and I really enjoyed the music references which were much better-informed/researched and executed than in most anime or manga (where they usually just throw the reference in your face and be like “get it? huh? getit??? aren’t we smart?? you should feel smart, too!”). So what if it ended with “Uh, we actually never planned this far, let’s just do every mech anime ending ever”, the journey was worth it.

Nami yo kiitekure: No screenshot for this one either. Nami yo kiitekure was... meh? It started out well, with Minare being a fun and relatable lead, but then it kind of... stalled. And to be honest I got really annoyed with all the shouting. I don’t mind shouty comedy at all (some of my favorite anime comedies are like that) but here the pacing didn’t really work. And I never got the appeal of the live radio segments either (even though I do actually listen to a lot of radio!), perhaps because the seiyuu was just hamming it up instead of delivering a convincing performance, which I kind of expected to be the point. Anyway, I dropped this halfway through. Nothing technically wrong with it, but it’s not my cup of tea.

The Great Pretender: I actually wrote about this previously, and I haven’t seen any new episodes since then. Are they already out? :O What’s going on with this show’s release schedule?

Appare-Ranman: Oh, this is back! And I... don’t really like it as much as I did the first 3 episodes? I dunno, in the recent episodes it kind of lost its swagger and instead settled comfortably into that “Show That Could Have Been On Adult Swim In When American Anime Fans In Their 30s Were Watching That” routine that has been so prevalent in the recent Netflix-backed shows that I seriously believe it’s on purpose, to emulate popular shows in the US and appeal to viewer nostalgia. And this means that to me the show has become kind of... boring, really. Like, again, there’s nothing actually wrong with it, it’s by far the best of PA Works’ attempts at trying new things, and I am still watching it and derive enjoyment from it. But I don’t find it particularly interesting, it’s just going through the motions without adding anything exciting, visually, story-wise or character-wise. Like come on, it’s The Year of Our Lord 2020, do something new or interesting! Like for example...

Deca-Dence: Oh yes. See, when the first episode came out and people were raving and doing the “anime is saved!” thing, I was like “...huh? but this was like every damn fantasy adventure anime ever.” I mean it looked nice, sounded nice, but it was soooo derivative and boring. And then the second episode rolled around and I was like “OK, now you’ve got my attention! :D” and my attention has stayed with the show ever since. See, here’s the difference between this and say, Appare-Ranman: it’s not that Deca-Dence is doing anything revolutionary either, but it’s at least doing something instead of just following a template. Its ambitions don’t stop with having cool visuals and cute character designs.

And another plus for Deca-Dence vs Appare-Ranman: the female characters in Deca-Dence don’t have that stupid PAW “cute anime girl” permablush. God that’s so annoying.

Gibiate: And on topic of shows trying for a retro appeal... yeah. There’s this one. You know those snobbish anime fans who always bemoan the decline of anime, and talk about how back in their time anime as such was better? Yeah, you can tell those people have had a very curated experience of anime “back in the days”, because back in the days, in our case in the ‘80s and early ‘90s, “anime as such” was actually more like this one. Really, Gibiate feels like it’s a zombie of some early ‘90s action show resurrected for some weird experiment, and now it just kind of shambles along aimlessly, not knowing what it’s doing in the present or how it should handle the changes of time. It’s kind of embarrassing, really... well, it was for the three episodes I watched. I dropped it out of secondhand embarrassment, more than anything.

GITS:SAC 2045: Oh yes, there’s this one as well. As I predicted, it was crap. It kind of feels like the creators were contracted to do a new series, but they had no actual ideas for a GITS:SAC sequel, nor any inspiration, and also nothing particular they wanted to say with the new show. Hell, apparently they didn’t rewatch GITS:SAC to refresh their memories of the show they were ostensibly trying to create a sequel for. OK, Imma rant about this a bit (copy-pasting something I wrote elsewhere).

1. The visuals are shit. Look, I'm not biased against CG, a lot of shows I enjoy have CG, a lot of them have bad CG. I tend not to care a lot about animation quality be it amazing or crap, as long as I enjoy the rest of the show. But this show looks like shit. The characters are rubber dolls floating in virtual space, physical character interaction is distracting, and all the action is hilaribad. Character animation is fucked up so often, like, they tried to give the Major a sexy hip sway but the result has her walking like she has a stick shoved up her butt. Hell, often they couldn’t even animate lip flaps properly, which doesn’t make the soulless masks the characters have for faces any more expressive. Also, character design-wise, the Major sticks out like a sore thumb, looking like a Sexy Dollfie among all the semi-realistic character designs. It’s kinda offensive, really. 2. Again, I could have lived with the visuals, if the rest of the show was any good. But it's not. With the exception of that one episode with the bank robbery, that was good and felt like real GITS:SAC, this is like someone's subpar fanfic, which is sad considering the writers behind the show. Characterization is weird and fucked up and doesn’t follow SAC. The worldbuilding went from the rather well thought out backdrop of SAC to a mess of ~edgy~ concepts mixed without any particular depth given to them. "Sustainable war!!! Thinkpol!!! 1984!!!!!" 3. The concept of post-humans is such a huge missed opportunity. Paired with the whole "ThinkPol" thing (as eyeroll-inducing as that is) there was a pretty good chance there to explore the dehumanizing aspect of the internet, and tie it into the "anon vigilante crowds" thing the story seems to be trying to get going. But nope, they just went with the stupidest routes. Also, the whole idea of "post-humans" doesn't flow organically from the worldbuilding of SAC, it just feels like something they came up with because they had to do something new. It also kinda feels like someone watched Darker Than Black one too many times.

So yeah, so, so disappointing. I’ll be watching S2 when it comes along because eh, more GITS, but I’m not gonna pretend this is anything but a subpar attempt to cash in on the franchise.

#appare ranman #deca-dence #listeners #gibiate #gits 2045 #the great pretender #appare-ranman #Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex #nami yo kiitekure

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best-enemies · 3 years

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For the fandom ask meme thing can I request the whole damn alphabet or is that not very cash money of me? I’m nosy lmao I wanna know all of them!

AHDKAJSDKJAHSKDA JACK YOU’RE THE BEST

A - Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s)

I’ve had my current OTP for like almost 8 years and it’s, obviously, Thoschei (Doctor/Master). My other current obsession is the Gallifrey OT4 hehehe

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind

It’s funny because I didn’t ship Hannigram at first... I’d thought the idea of a cannibal having a relationship was terrifying because what if they had sex and Hannibal got hungry in the middle of the act? Lmaoooo

But yeah they’re my endgame now. I watched the show when it first aired and I was about 14/15 years old so now you see why I thought that. Although I’m still afraid I’m gonna be reading a fic and Hannibal will suddendly bite Will’s dick off or smth AKJHSAKJSAHSASKAJ

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will (be nice)

Uhhh Doctor/Clara. Mainly because I don’t like to ship the Doctor with companions (there may be one or two exceptions but I don’t ship them enough to actually say I ship them lol) and I don’t know I just never vibed with it

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t (again: be nice)

Doctor/River. I mean, I did like it for a while years ago but now it’s just... eh. I think she has a waaay better chemistry with the 12th Doctor, but still don’t ship it. I might give it a try once I listen to the River audios but so far meh. I’m not much of a multishipper anyway.

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what

God. I’ve written a couple of Academy Era (focused on the Deca) crack fanfics and I still have to translate them to English. They’re pure garbage but I love them. I have a lot of fun writing crack fics because they’re easier and I can ignore whatever piece of canon I want just for the laughs

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom

Guess it’s Doctor Who, been here (in and out of the fandom) for over 8/9 years

G - Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it

Uhhhh I think it was Han Solo and Leia, since I was a kid really. I wanted to marry both of them lol

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., tv shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)

I had to google what a source text is and still don’t know

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why

I don’t think so, but Twitter definitively has. I remember a couple years ago I was curious to see what voltron was about and watched a few episodes, it was ok, fun and cute but the fandom was so annoying I stopped watching it for good and don’t care about it enough to pick it up again

J - Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr

I had definitively forgotten about supernatural until I saw it all over my dashboard in the year of our lord 2020 lmao like in my wholock days I tried to watch the show because everyone on my dash (is it still called dashboard?) was talking about it and I watched about 8 episodes before dropping it. But seeing it again on the dash was actually a happy surprise because the memes are too funny hahaha

K -Say something nice about someone in any of your fandoms

I’m extremely shy irl and on the internet as well but I wanna say that @janeturenne is one of the best authors ever and her fanfics are a blessing in my life; also @thebraxiatelcollection who brings awesome content to my dash and is also one of the best authors. And of course, you, Jack, also one of the best authors god I’m so BLESSED

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves (chars you’re neutral on are fair game, as are chars you dislike)

Uhhh I guess I’m neutral about the current companions. They’re not my favorites but I don’t really dislike them - they had a lot of potential and chibs came up with some good storylines but did not develop them well in my opinion. I think Graham is a fun grandpa whom I’m going to miss when he leaves; Ryan is cool and could’ve done a lot more if the writers had kept a few things, it’d be awesome if he vlogged all of their adventures. He’s like the one I was curious to see more but sadly didn’t feel a connection; and Yaz, I hope she’ll keep growing and that her friendship with the Doctor will finally be developed to a level we can connect to her.

It sounds weird because with the fam it’s always ‘what I wish could have been’ because I never felt really connected to them :(

M - Say something genuinely nice about a ship that you don’t ship (or its shippers, or anything related to you)

Ok... I don’t really ship Rey/Finn but I think it’s one of the sweetest ships ever, and if they ended up together I’d be happy. They love each other and are there for each other always so, yeah :D

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice)

I don’t know if I got the question right but it’s three things I wish I saw more in my main fandom? Well, if it’s that, then, 3 things about the Doctor Who fandom: 1) people having more civilized or light-hearted discussions about things. Like, I genuinely disliked an 8th doctor audio I listened once that my friends loved, and they made fun of me and we joked about it. Also once we were in a live twitch video playing among us and discussing doctor who, and then we got into a ship “discourse” as a joke and nobody really cared and just laughed because everyone knew it’s fictional shit so why get mad over it? 2) Doctor Who has a titanic amount of content, it’s all canon but at the same time it’s not, so who cares? If you want to listen to Big Finish audios and if you can afford it, then lisiten; if you can’t, it’s okay, no one has the right to tell you you’re less of a fan. Just tell them to fuck off; 3) The best way to keep fandom alive is by creating content. Here in my local fandom we have several podcasts dedicated to all areas of the whoniverse (the show, the expanded universe, the audios, etc), those old fandom websites who do serious work to bring news to the fans, people who make subtitles for the classic series (we don’t have it available here so they do their best to make it accessible to other fans), accounts dedicated to promoting dr who fans who create content, and we even have people making their own audiodramas with dw characters and writing book-lenght fanfiction to help explain the show to people who’ve never watched it, and a great variety of things. I’ve seen a few of these things in the international fandom, mostly by older fans, so I wish younger fans about my age who have the means to make this kind of stuff would make it too. Maybe there’d be less twitter drama out there lol

O - Choose a song at random, which ship or character does it remind you of

“the killing moon” by echo & the bunnymen reminds me of thoschei. yep it was totally random

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas)

The fact that we don’t have a pride and prejudice AU for brax/romana yet is driving me insane

Q - A ship you’ve abandoned and why

I’ve mentioned it before but doctor/river, don’t really remember why idk I just don’t vibe with it anymore. But also because thoschei has so many different pairings in 1 ship that I don’t really feel the need to ship them with anyone else lol

R - A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships

GOD I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S SO SPECIFIC ok fellow academy era stans gather around if you have read Divided Loyalties there’s a scene where it SHOWS that Magnus had a crush on Ushas. And NO ONE HAS EVER TALKED ABOUT THEM and the power couple they would’ve made. I write them into all my fanfics in hopes of making other people ship them but I’ve had no success so far

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

The Master is a big fan of musicals and in the 77 years he spent on earth he watched every single one ever. I’m gonna be bold and say that when he was young, still Koschei, he was an artist, and thought about dropping everything to become an actor on Gallifrey. Time Lords do appreciate art, and have their own plays, but it’s just the same old and boring ones the young people don’t care about. The Master then created a shocking performance that was way ahead of its time and the older Time Lords were so appalled they banned him from writing and presenting plays and that’s his villain origin story

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

1) The Doctor and the Master married on Gallifrey and the entire show is just them having the most litigious divorce in the universe (still isn’t final because the Master has killed all the judges); 2) Ushas/The Rani is ace; 3) The Deca was a 10 people polyamorous relationship; 4) Romana and Livia were girlfriends at the Academy and they hate each other now because the break up was baad; 5) Romana writes fanfiction; 6) Romana/Leela had a thing in Davidia I KNOW it; 7) Leela pegs Narvin; 8) Brax has a life-size painting of Romana at his collection or a statue or smth; 9) Brax’s dream in Reborn is actually REAL and he’s married to Romana, Leela and Narvin all at the same time

U - 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms

I don’t even think I’m in 5 fandoms but

Doctor Who: The Master, The Doctor, Romana, Leela, Sarah Jane, Bill (this was the hardest thing ever)

The X-Files: Mulder, Scully, Monica, and can I add The Lone Gunmen too?

Star Wars: Leia, Obi-Wan, Finn, Poe Dameron and honorable mention to Din Djarin and Grogu

Hannibal: Hannibal, Will, Bev, Alana, Chiyoh

V - 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms

That’s hard

Doctor Who: thoschei ofc, gallifrey ot4.......... uuhh as you can see i don’t ship many pairings in the show

The X-Files: Mulder and Scully. And whatever Scully and Monica had going on because they definitively flirted

Star Wars: Poe/Finn, Han/Leia, whatever Han/Lando had going on too

W - 5 favorite ships and 5 kinks you like best for said ships

WHATVASHAJSKAJSA ok this is a little embarassing but I don’t have a lot of kinks for many ships... I guess I have some for thoschei like, choking, whipping, blindfolds/gagging, bondage, begging, biting, sem-public, phone sex, dirty talk, body worship, praise kink, etc. Alright alright I know it’s a lot but in my defense they've shown half of these on the show

X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM

The Master, Romana, Leela, Brax, Narvin, Bill Potts, Martha Jones, Sarah Jane, Donna Noble, Lucie Miller. No particular order for most of them but the Master is my precious baby and I will die for this mf

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)

Not many, usually the people I follow are in the same fandoms as I am but I’ve seen some mutuals reblog some Hadestown stuff which is a play that I’ve never seen but definitively would because the protagonists look hot

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go (prompts optional but encouraged)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES IT MEAN

it took me three hours to do this but it was fun!! thank you bb <3

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exxar1 · 3 years

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Episode 10: We Don’t Win

1/23/2021

I recently started subscribing to John MacArthur’s sermon podcasts. I’d never heard of him until he and his congregation began defying the lockdown mandates in California last summer. Although I’d added his podcasts to my library, I had never actually listened to any of them until three days ago when his sermon from this past Sunday began playing automatically as soon as my phone’s Bluetooth connected to my car. I was about to stop the playback as I was in the mood for some upbeat music, but then changed my mind when I looked at the dashboard display and saw what podcast had started.

John began his sermon by listing all the blessings God had bestowed upon him and his church in the last six months of 2020. The more that he and his congregation defied Governor Newsom’s tyranny, the more God blessed their ministry. He said that 2020 had given him, personally, an immense amount of clarity, and I knew exactly what he was talking about. 2020, for many of us, helped us to see exactly what matters most in this world and what our priorities should be. As John moved on to the heart of his sermon, he said three words that have been rattling around in the back of my brain ever since.

“We don’t win.”

We Christians do not win in this world. This world belongs to Satan. It always has ever since the Fall. It is not the destiny of the believers in Christ “…to win on this battleground,” as John puts it.

“We don’t win.”

I first heard this sermon on Wednesday, the day of President Biden’s inauguration. In the two days since he took the oath of office, we Americans have seen quite clearly what this president has in mind for the future of this country. One of his first acts was to sign an order that gives boys and girls the right to roam freely in the public restrooms of the opposite sex. Boys who “identify” as girls will also have the right to thus compete in women’s sports if they so wish. Biden and his administration also made announcements that they plan to not only roll back all the restrictions that President Trump had enacted to try to stop the public finding of international and domestic organizations that support abortion, but to also expand the current laws of “reproductive and women’s rights” to allow abortions up to and including the moment of birth. (He even campaigned on this abhorrent promise.) Abortions will soon be allowed for ANY reason and will be made as convenient as a checkup at your local dentist.

It’s that latter part that should bet striking fear and sorrow in the hearts of EVERY American citizen, regardless of religious affiliation. Roe v. Wade was just the beginning of America’s fall from grace and prosperity, and if Biden and his administration succeeds in their enactment of these new laws and permissions, then our country’s fate is truly sealed. Any nation — any people — that allows the willful, rampant murder of the unborn will not survive very long. It is among the last, deadliest signs of genuine, moral decay, and that — along with all the social movements that are currently fighting to erase gender and promote tolerance of ANYTHING regarding sexuality — are why I firmly believe that we are closer than ever to the Second Coming of Christ.

“We don’t win.”

The Biden administration is under the power and firm control of the another insidious, deceptive, and abhorrent social movement that has gripped this nation since last June: Black Lives Matter. There is no longer true justice in America. John MacArthur stated in his sermon that America is now under a new form of law and order known as “social justice”. Under this new justice, the only ones who are right are the oppressed, and the guilty are the oppressors. Justice is now based on race and skin color, rather than truth and right. All the garbage surrounding “white fragility” and “anti-racism” has made it perfectly acceptable for everyone to racially discriminate and hate anyone whose skin is white.

“We don’t win.”

Black Lives Matter, in its efforts to alter and/or erase American history have set the stage for America’s very foundation, the system of capitalism, to also be destroyed. All the economic plans of the Biden administration — as well as a democrat controlled congress — will ensure that socialism will take hold in this country even worse than when Obama was president. The current leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement are proud, outspoken Marxists, and they have never tried to disguise or obfuscate their beliefs. They have already succeeded in getting their insidious doctrine of “critical race theory” into public schools at every grade level in all the major cities in the U.S. Within one or two generations, our country will be overflowing with the same brainwashed population that brought about the Russian Revolution, which plunged that country into decades of economic and moral darkness.

“We don’t win.”

I am not writing this blog to frighten or depress you. (Well, actually, yes you should be scared shitless right now. I know I am.) John ended his sermon by reminding all Christians that yes, we don’t win. We don’t win down here, that is. Earth has already been claimed by Satan and his forces of darkness. But, if we have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior, then we will not have to suffer much longer in this mortal realm. Our only task right now is to serve God by staying faithful to him and spreading the gospel. And, when our life is over, we will join our Heavenly Father at his throne, and we will have a front row seat to His final plan. His heavenly forces will make war with the corrupted world and its lord, Satan, in that great final battle of Armageddon, and it’s here, where it matters most, that we will win.

Part of my reason for writing this post today was to remind myself of the true power of God. We serve and worship the same God that made a covenant with Abraham and Isaac. The same God that brought the Israelites out of Egypt and watched over them as they traveled in the desert. No matter how often His people forgot Him or sinned against Him, God never forgot them. His wrath was great, yes, and there were many times the Israelites were punished for their sins, but God always provided a way of forgiveness and redemption.

In the back of my Bible is a listed reading plan for the year. I decided to embark on this as part of my daily devotional and as a new year’s resolution. I have already finished the books of Genesis and Exodus, and, while I still remember from so long ago the stories of creation; of Abraham, Isaac, Esau, and Jacob; of Joseph getting sold into slavery in Egypt only to be in the right place and right time to save his brothers and family; of God delivering His people out of slavery in Egypt — I was now reading all of those accounts with fresh eyes. Right now, when our country is on a rapidly descending slope into sin, darkness, and moral decay, it gives my heart and soul a much needed peace to know that that God of the Bible is the same God that still watches over his people. I want to add the phrase “protects them”, but I’m honestly not sure that’s appropriate. God is watching over us, make no mistake about that, but He’s also a vengeful God, and his wrath is great.

America was once a Christian nation, but I have a hard time uttering that phrase just now. I don’t believe it’s true anymore, and we Christians are about to enter a new era of persecution and tribulation. The government mandates that were issued last year in response to the manufactured “pandemic” are a perfect example of the new persecution. As John put it in his sermon, “Satan did his best to shut down our church.” The Lord of Darkness did his damndest to shut down ALL churches in this nation, and he succeeded in many states — most of them blue. Here in Nevada, for example, almost all churches are still shut down for worship. Services can only be attended from home via livestream.

This is just the first step. The new laws and policies that the Biden administration has already enacted — or plans to enact — will only serve the heathen and the wicked. But we Christians still have the power to fight back, and we most definitely should while we still can. Just look at John’s church in California. I won’t go into the whole list here, but John’s ministry did not shrink or fail during 2020. Quite the opposite, in fact. He stated that his congregation expanded by more than 1,200 members in just the last quarter of the year. People were driving in from out of state to attend services! The church more than tripled its funding from offering and donations in 2020, more than they’ve received in the last decade alone, in fact!

It is in times of great adversity and great trials, that Christianity grows. America is the modern equivalent of the Roman Empire, and, like those Christians in the days of Nero and Caesar, the believers in America today will be shunned, spit upon, arrested, and yes, even put to death, while the rest of the nation celebrates “diversity” and “tolerance” and continues to slaughter the unborn in record numbers.

No, it’s not quite that bad for us believers just yet. But within one or two generations, perhaps even sooner, it will be. The current “cancel culture” that is serving as the militant arm of movements such as Black Lives Matter will very soon turn their wrath upon anything that is religious. True Christians, the believers that will not compromise on “diversity” and “tolerance” by watering down the gospel or allowing immorality such as gay marriage and transgender “affirmation services”, among other things, will be attacked and cursed as being un-American and “evil”.

No, we don’t win down here.

But we will one day. Our suffering here is but for a time. Soon enough, we shall be reunited in Heaven with our Lord and Savior at the foot of his throne. All trials and tribulations will cease and we shall rejoice with Him evermore.

Amen, hallelujah!

#john macarthur #Christian #faith #God #black lives matter

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johannesviii · 4 years

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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2019

The last list, for now. It’s been a wild ride.

Not the best of these lists, but some really refreshing stuff charted that year, and what was good was super good. And also, here’s a barely elligible #1 that nobody seemed to care about for some reason.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

In 2019, my finger was fixed, I dropkicked depression in the garbage bin (with a little help from Eurovision because it was super good and full of hilarious shit), got married, and went on a roadtrip on Vancouver Island (BC, Canada), and that was my first real travel in 13 years. Met a lot of great people, seen amazing places, trees, bears and whales. And planes are also part of the adventure when you’re not used to them (you can watch movies on little screens from your seat now?? I had no idea. I watched so many movies). It was very exciting.

I also saw VNV Nation live in February, for the third time in six years. This time I had enough budget to buy a tshirt. I wasn’t expecting that concert to be even better than the previous two. At that point the new album had only been out for a couple of months and we still knew the lyrics of most of the new songs and Ronan’s face was constantly broadcasting a kind of “...........how” expression (face it guys, we like you. A lot). And they finished with All Of Our Sins and let me tell you, half the club was ready to start a revolution by the time that was over. Super intense.

Ok. 2019 albums! First, let’s talk about some negative things. Coldplay released Everyday Life at the end of the year. It was... uh. It was basically how I stopped loving their new stuff. That’s a very sad conclusion (for now) to this saga. This is exactly what I feared would have happened after Viva La Vida, aka them trying to go back to their earlier sound - except in the meantime we’ve got three fantastic albums with songs full of energy and joy. So I’m not too mad about this, just disappointed.

Within Temptation released Resist, and it wasn’t very good either, but I appreciated the general aesthetic of it. More SF-themed albums in symphonic metal, please. NF released The Search and while I’m still not a fan there’s a song on it that would have been #1 on this list if it had been elligible, so that’s something. And Carly Rae Jepsen released Dedicated and it was super good so why isn’t she getting new hits. Why. It feels unfair. Oh, and Avantasia made Moonglow and that’s the first time I’ve cared about their stuff in like a decade or so. Ghost In The Moon is super good, check it out.

But the big event of the year music-wise, as far as I’m concerned, was the return of two bands I thought we had lost forever. Of course My Chemical Romance reformed, but they don’t have new music yet, so the main event for this post is the return of Tool with Fear Inoculum. It’s not even their best album, but having a pretty good new Tool album in the year of our lord 2019 wasn’t at all something I was counting on. Of course, the hardcore fans are still as insufferable as ever (insert the “you need a pretty high IQ” copypasta here), but it didn’t spoil my enjoyment of it. Come on! Their first album in 13 years! 80 minutes of hypnotic heavy rhythms and weird shit, an album that trolled me when I opened it by playing a music video while I was looking somewhere else (yeah I jumped), and they even managed to land a track for one week on the US hot 100! Again, Tool! On the hot 100! in 2019! Unbelievable. Are we starting to return to the good timeline? I certainly hope so.

Unelligible songs, now. The Search by NF would have topped this list super easily. Might be one of the songs I listened to the most in 2019, actually. Now That I Found You by Carly Rae Jepsen, again, should have been a hit, and I beg you to watch this music video if you’ve never seen it. The 1975 released the super unexpected People, which was still good, and also Frail State of Mind. And most unexpected of all, three artists I didn’t care about at all teamed up and made absolute gold: I Think I’m OKAY, by Machine Gun Kelly, YUNGBLUD and Travis Barker. That would have been the second slot on this list if it had been elligible. Or maybe the first, even? Not sure. I’m just so happy this kind of angry but uplifting music is starting to become popular again. I just love everything about this song.

Here’s a short list of honorable mentions!

Roi (Bilal Hassani) - I don’t like this song a lot, but I do like it, I’m glad it was our song for the ESC 2019, and Bilal is a very nice and endearing person, and everyone who disrespects him on twitter is free to come fight me in the pit, where I’m still waiting with that tambourine from my 1992 list.

Con Calma (Daddy Yankee, Katy Perry, Snow) - You already know I liked the original Informer a lot, so I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased to hear this clone of it on the radio.

Breathin’ (Ariana Grande) - Here’s the usual “if I had better taste this would be higher” honorable mention.

Summer Days (Martin Garrix) - In the absence of any new hit song from Macklemore this will do in a pinch.

Circles (Post Malone) - The fact that everyone seems to adore this and I’m over there saying “it’s ok I guess” probably means I will never love Post Malone nor understand the hype about him, and that’s okay, I can live with that.

High Hopes (Panic! At the Disco) - Still elligible. Still good but too borderline annoying to make the list.

How Do You Sleep (Sam Smith) - This year Sam Smith pulled a Viva La Vida and decided to stop making boring music all of a sudden and I’m LIVING FOR THIS. I certainly hope they continue in that direction.

And now, the list.

10 - La Grenade (Clara Luciani)

US: Not on the list / FR: #55

The only semi-filler on the list. I still like it a lot. Don’t have anything to say about it, though.

9 - Panini (Lil Nas X)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Wasn’t too impressed by this at first and it took a while to grow on me, but the chorus is a nice little earworm, and “hey panini, don’t you be a meanie” has a tendency to pop in my head when I read hateful comments on the internet now. And Lil Nas X is just too endearing to be ignored. We’re so lucky to have someone who became famous so quickly and instantly decided to dress like a Jojo character and have the geekiest music videos possible and still be super nice and humble. We don’t deserve this guy.

8 - Dance Monkey (Tones And I)

US: Not on the list / FR: #6

I’m super glad the US are finally getting on the hype train in 2020 because this is a ton of fun. If the voice was juuuuuust a little less grating this would be even higher. Impossible to get it out of your head and somehow in this case that’s a good thing.

7 - Dancing With a Stranger (Sam Smith & Normani)

US: #14 / FR: Not on the list

As I said in the honorable mentions, Sam Smith pulled a Viva La Vida and decided to stop making boring music all of a sudden and I couldn’t be happier about that. This song is still a bit too calm for my taste most of the time, but when I’m in the right mood, it’s just fantastic.

Again, I hope Sam Smith continues in that direction, because if you had told me a couple of years ago that I would start to like their stuff one day, I would have laughed out loud.

6 - Bad Guy (Billie Eilish)

US: #4 / FR: #16

Duh.

I’m not as enthusiastic about When The Party’s Over as a ton of people are, mostly because, well, it’s a slow emotional song with little to no colour in it and by now you’re already aware I tend to have next to zero interest in that kind of songs. Bad Guy, on the other hand, is half hilarious half scary in equal doses, and even if I’m not super fond of the weird outro, it’s still a fantastic, weird as shit song, and I’m really glad Billie Eilish exists. Can’t wait to see where she goes from there.

I’m super glad this song didn’t come out when I was a teenager myself though. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I would have survived if the musical landscape from 16 years ago had been as depressed as it currently is. Thank god music is slowly getting more energetic again in 2020. Let’s stay on that track.

5 - Hey Look Ma I Made It (Panic! At The Disco)

US: #61 / FR: Not on the list

I follow several music critics on youtube and over the course of 2019, I’ve seen undiluted vitriol and hatred against this song (Spectrum Pulse even made a list of his “worst hit songs” of the decade and put this one at #10! TEN!!). And... I don’t really get where it’s coming from? Maybe I’m too literal-minded to see what the problem is with a sarcastic song saying “look I sold out and now I found success again! And it’s not that great!”. I just think it’s a lot of fun. Thank god Todd put it on his best list, at least we can agree on one thing for once.

It is hilarious that after putting so many Fall Out Boy songs on my lists, the one that I love the most from Panic! is the sellout song. Not sure why this was huge while the even better Say Amen wasn’t, though.

4 - Sunflower (Swae Lee & Post Malone)

US: #2 / FR: Not on the list

I usually don’t get the “chill” songs that tend to be successful these days but this one, unlike most Post Malone songs (bar Circles), has lovely pastel colors and a cloudy texture and it’s a really good vibe. It took several months to grow on me but it sure did.

In about ten years, people will listen to Sunflower and be submerged by nostalgia, mark my words.

3 - Old Town Road (Lil Nas X)

US: #1 / FR: #1 (see, everyone agrees for once)

Everyone on the planet already wrote a thinkpiece about this song and yet I’ve only seen maybe one out of five mentioning, just in passing, that the entire song is based on a Nine Inch Nail track from Ghosts I-IV, superbly re-used to make a weird and insanely catchy country hip hop song out of it. Ghosts has been one of my go-to albums to listen to while I’m painting for about ten years now. I’m saying all this because hearing a track from Ghosts on the radio for months was absolute bliss for me, especially in a new and improved version.

Thank you Lil Nas X for everything you’ve been doing and I wish you a long and successful career. You deserve it. I love this and I love you.

2 - Bury A Friend (Billie Eilish)

US: #73 / FR: Not on the list

Hello again, Billie Eilish.

This song is absolutely terrifying and that was before I even saw the music video. This is the soundtrack of your nightmares right there. I’m not even sure it deserves to be so high on the list, but frankly I’m too terrified to care. Maybe Old Town Road should be higher. I don’t know.

Also you have to know that when I’m super tired I go into echolalia mode and automatically repeat words or entire sentences that my brain considers interesting, like “potiron” (pumpkin) or “dramatique” ; and recently, my brain decided “when we all fall asleep, where do we go?”, sung exactly like it’s sung in this song, was its new favorite sentence. So. Hearing yourself saying that to an empty room while you’re drawing or folding clothes or cleaning plates is not a very pleasant experience, and it makes this song extra scary to me.

And now, here’s the last #1 of the last one of these lists (for now), and I’m glad to announce it closes this series of posts in a super fitting way.

Check this out. It’s so perfect in every way.

1 - Walk Me Home (Pink)

US: #99 / FR: Not on the list

Nobody seemed to care about this song over the course of 2019, and it's barely elligible, and I still have no idea why. The music reviewers I follow only either talked about it super briefly when it came out, or not at all. The rare ones who were making top 100s at the end of the year instead of top 10s usually put it somewhere in the middle of their lists. And yet it’s the elligible song I’ve listened to the most.

If you’ve been reading this series of posts for a while now, you probably already know exactly why it’s here, but here’s a quick recap.

The second album I ever bought in my life was Pink’s Missundaztood in 2002, and I loved her music a lot:

I was still really fond of her stuff in 2007:

Then she started to become less interesting and I basically ignored her apart from a brief blip on my radar in 2017:

Meanwhile, in 2012, fun. made some of the best songs of the entire decade before vanishing instantly, and I’ve been mourning them ever since:

And in the middle of last year, here I am, listening to the radio, and suddenly I hear something that sounds exactly like a fun. song, except I’ve never heard it before and it’s sung by a female singer, and, most importantly, it’s 2019 and fun. broke up more than six years earlier. And I’m like, what’s going on. This is so good. What the hell. What is this.

And I hear it a second time weeks later, and I google it, and I discovered that 1) it was Pink singing this, which made it my favorite Pink song in literally more than ten years, and 2) it was, indeed, written by one of the guys from fun., among other people who’s influence is less obvious.

I guess the main lesson from 2019, between newcomers making great music based on dead trends, old groups reforming, and this song, is that nothing’s gone forever, and things you used to enjoy can come back at the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected form.

There’s always, always gonna be new music to love, and it’s just a question of time.

Quick note

And with this, these lists are over... for now.

I don’t regret making them even if they were a ton of work, because that was super useful for a lot of different reasons.

They helped me get a better understanding of my own life’s chronology. That may sound stupid but I tend to link events to the music I was listening to at the time, and putting all that music in chronological order helped a lot.

I rediscovered a ton of songs I had completely forgotten about, and a lot of new ones. My playlist is much richer now and I’m happy about that.

I also discovered a few artists I knew nothing about.

It forced me to analyse two depressive episodes in my life and just because everything was now in exact chronological order, it accidentally helped me pinpoint what caused both of them. Better and cheaper than therapy. Impressive.

It made me realise how important some bands and artists had been in my life, and I relistened to some of their catalogue while making these lists. For some it was really obvious (Indochine, Placebo, Mylène Farmer, My Chemical Romance among some others), and for some others (Moby, Linkin Park, Mika in particular), it was a real surprise.

It made me realise that Placebo might have been huge in France but weirdly enough not that huge in the UK nor in the US. It’s especially striking when you look at their wikipedia page in English then in French and realise how detailed the French one is compared to the English one. Can’t believe Sleeping With Ghosts was a n°1 album here and basically nowhere else. That was the band where that discrepency was the most obvious but it wasn’t the only one like that. Really puts stuff in perspective.

It also helped me realise how cyclical popular music is. 1) trends tend to die near the end of every decade and the worst year is usually somewhere between the 8th and the 9th year. 2008 and 2018 tend to confirm this. 2) For the same reason, some new & interesting stuff appears at the beginning of every decade, and reaches its high point of quality between the 2nd and 4th year of the decade. 3) Basically I’m saying we’ve now passed the lowest musical quality in recent memory and 2022-2023 will have some exceptional music.

See you in December 2020. I have no doubt there’s a ton of great music coming up in the near future.

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #the last one #I can't believe this is over #I loved making these lists #spider tw #eye contact tw

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ask-de-writer · 4 years

Text

LOST TIME (part 3 of 3) A fantasy of Flocking Bay.

Return to the Master Story Index

Return to Flocking Bay

LOST TIME

De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)

5556 words

written 2003

Reproduction in any form, physical, electronic or digital is prohibited without the express written consent of the author or proper copyright holder.

//////////////

Users of Tumblr.com are specifically granted the following rights. They may reblog the story. They may use the characters or original characters in my settings for fan fiction, fan art works, cosplay, or fan musical compositions. I will allow those who do commission art works to charge for their images.

All sorts of Fan Activity, fiction, art, cosplay, music or anything else is ACTIVELY encouraged!

///////////////////////

Her hands skimmed lightly over the inlaid table tops and felt the textures of the brocaded silk upholstery. Her eyes took in the carvings and inlays on the furniture and the hand carved moldings, unique to each room. She drifted from chamber to chamber as delicately as a ghost, and as silently. Her camera hung from her neck by its strap, forgotten. She was as taken as I had been by the nature of the beauty here. Her head tilted slightly at times, as though she was listening to something that I could not hear.

Somehow, the library managed to survive all of the changes of ownership apparently intact. Some of it was actually written on scrolls. The other books were mostly quite old. It would not have surprised me to find that some of them were medieval manuscripts or perhaps translations of something older yet. I had not had the time to look at them beyond the merest glance.

If I had even the slightest idea of where to begin, I had no doubt of my ability to read it. I have never yet found a written language from Europe, Asia, or Africa that I could not read and write as well as speak fluently. As I told Lois, part of my income comes from helping archaeologists to make out old texts and inscriptions.

Lois spent a lot of time in the library. She stood with that listening aspect for a short bit, then she pulled a book from the shelves as though she knew exactly what she was looking for. She set the book on an old-fashioned reading stand and opened it with that small amount of leafing that indicates complete familiarity with the contents. She read for a few pages, sometimes more or less, then replaced the book. Then she went on to the next. She spent several hours in this pursuit, finally looking up, eyes bright.

“Vandervekken, are you as hungry as I’ve gotten to be?”

“Now that you mention it, yes,” I replied.

Lois led the way to the kitchen, and held the door for me, looking as pleased as a conjurer who has just performed a clever illusion. The table was set for two. There was a selection of cold cuts, a woven loaf of bread to pull apart, melted butter to dip it in, a bowl of salad with a cruet of dressing and a bottle of wine just cool enough to sweat.

“Was it you that set up the food and got things done for me?” I asked, slightly floored by the thought.

“No . . . though I did choose this menu. I hope that you like it. I really can’t tell you very much more yet. Now, let’s eat.”

“Not until you tell me one thing,” I stated. “You were with me all the time, so how did you do this?” I gestured at the table set with food.

“I didn’t. The house did it,” she replied. “I just suggested the menu. Now, please let’s eat first. I have found out a few things out that I don’t understand. I’ll tell you what I can after we eat.”

Dinner passed quickly. The food was excellent but the atmosphere was a bit strained. I was feeling puzzled, more than a bit jealous, envious of Lois’ apparent knowledge. I did compliment the food but my attempts at small talk all fell flat due to my own mood.

As we cleared away the dishes, I asked in a brooding voice, “What can you tell me, now, that you couldn’t before?”

Lois looked a bit hurt, which made me instantly contrite. I hastened to add, “I didn’t mean that tone of voice. I really do want to know.”

“I really don’t know much. Capt. Vekin appears to have been involved in some sort of sorcery. He made the house to look after him. It’s sort of alive. It is trying to communicate with me so that I can talk to you. I can almost hear it but not quite like a voice.

“It gives me hunches. That’s how it guided me to those books in the library. If I understand any of what I have learned, the house likes you and will provide for you. It wants to reach you desperately, but something is blocking it. It can only reach your feelings.

“Anyhow, all I am sure of is that the floors are terribly important. We already agree that painting them over was a crime.”

“Why can’t the house undo the painting, then? The same way that it fixed the rusty fence or the yard?”

“I don’t know why. I did find out that it can fix what happens to it, but not what is done to it. I guess that intent is the key. Rust happens, termites happen, the yard grows, it will take care those things itself. The floor painting was done deliberately. I guess that’s the difference. We have to undo it.”

“WE . . .” that almost stopped me in my tracks. After a moment, I asked cautiously, “What do you mean, exactly?”

Lois seemed almost scared as she answered, “I know that you’ve been a loner since your memory loss . . . I’ve been a loner, too. This afternoon . . . I got sort of attached. I had a hunch about . . . I like both you and this house. The house seems to want me to help you. More important, I want to be with you . . . if you’ll let me.”

I felt like I had been hit on the head with a sandbag. After a bit, I got my breath back enough to say, “Gaea! Yes! Let’s start on those floors and see what happens.”

“It may not be easy to do, you know,” she replied, relieved.

“Let’s take Lilitu back to town to get paint stripping stuff and tools!” I enthused.

“Flocking Bay rolled up it’s sidewalks at 9:00,” she said tartly. Then added, “I have a heat gun for paint stripping and shrink wrapping back at the Voice. We could try that and a scraper.”

“You’re a wonder!” I cried, hugging her impulsively. To my surprise, she hugged back, and kissed me. I kissed back. All in all, it was about ten or fifteen minutes before we went to get the paint stripping gun and scraper.

We started in the front hall, just at the door. Lois was indeed right. It was not a simple thing to do. Oh, the mechanics were simple enough. All that we did was apply heat to a few square inches until the paint started to lift and bubble, then scrape it off. The problem was simple. It would not scrape off at all if Lois tried it.

Only I could actually remove the paint. The moment that the heat from the gun hit the paint my head began to hurt like it was on fire. Scraping the paint away felt like having a blood clotted bandage ripped slowly off of a still unhealed wound. I could not have done it alone. It was an agony even with Lois�� support, hugs and sympathy.

The first of the patterns that we revealed was one of knots, rivaling the finest Celtic work. When I tried to trace the lines it was almost impossible. They writhed in and out in the most peculiar way. The part that I was tracing was always in focus, but the intersecting lines could not be held in focus or even in view.

Trying to unravel the one small knot that we uncovered gave me even more of a headache until, instead of trying to trace it, I looked at it as a whole. Suddenly, the pain stopped. In it’s place was a memory. “Ebla,” I said in wonder, “how could I have forgotten you, Empire of Roads and Trade?”

“Ebla?” asked Lois. “What is Ebla?”

“Ebla was a smallish city just to the south of Asia Minor. We now call it Turkey. The kings of Ebla collected tribute from Ur, Babylon, Egypt, the Indus valley, Jericho and the many cities of Canaan. Even the wild Sythians paid them. They were wealthy. They had little land of their own, and never attacked their neighbors.

“Ebla did not rule by fighting wars. They built roads and trade routes. Ebla paid the mercenaries who protected the trade from bandits. If someone did not pay their tribute, Ebla closed the roads, routing the vital trade around them until they gave in.

“Ebla collected tolls for the use of the roads. They shared the money with the kingdoms that their roads crossed. Often a kingdom's share of the tolls was greater than the tribute that they paid.

“After more than a thousand years of peaceful trade, greedy kings and merchants sacked Ebla. The poor fools never quite understood why the bandits suddenly flourished and the trade upon which they depended for a thousand years died. Ebla was destroyed more than 3,500 years ago.”

Lois said quietly, “I never even heard of them before. Where did you learn of them?”

“I lived there. They called me Lord Wanderer. I built their first roads and helped to set the policies that kept the peace and created the trade.

“You are right. We have to go on. The rest of my life is under this paint. My memory, my sorcery. The length of my life is not an accident. The one greatest good that came from losing my memory is a thing that I just learned. I can share my life, if you will be the one to walk the halls of time with me.”

“Where you go,” said Lois quietly, putting her hands into mine and looking into my eyes, “there I will go also.”

Startled, I said, “Lois, did you know that ancient Roman women used to say that when they got married?”

She flashed me smile and replied, “I had a more than a hunch that they did. It was in one of those books that our house showed me.”

-THE END-

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#LOST TIME #Part 3 of 3 #Flocking Bay #Written by De Writer

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dailyaudiobible · 4 years

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07/06/2020 DAB Transcript

1 Chronicles 2:18-4:4, Acts 24:1-27, Psalms 4:1-8, Proverbs 18:16-18

Today is the 6th day of July welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it is wonderful to be here with you today as we continue our journey forward. And we’ve just recently, yesterday, moved into some new territory in the Old Testament as we begin the books of Chronicles. So, let's dive in. We’re reading from the English Standard Version this week. First Chronicles chapter 2 verse 18 through 4 verse 4.

Commentary:

Okay. Just a couple things to point out as we get moved into this new week. In the book of first Chronicles we’re reading a lot of names and, you know, who fathered who and who his son was and then who his son was and then who his son was and then who his son was etc. etc. etc. and this is kind of, you know, the famous portion of the Bible where people are like, “why are all these names in the Bible?” And even as a kid I would encounter this and be like, “why? Why’s this in the Bible? Like, why would we even read this? Who even cares about this?” And…and that kind of holds true up until today where it's like, “why all the names?” And, you know, when I first began to do this the names, you know, they’re just…they’re…they’re unusual names and difficult to pronounce names, tongue tying kinds of names. So, even I would come passed this and go, “great, this is the Bible. Yes, we need to read this. Yes, yes, yes. But why is this in here anyway?” Until I began to realize this is coming from exile. And then everything started to make sense, because I’ve places where there has been exile and destruction and war and genocide even. And, so when we come to this portion of the Scriptures, we usually talk about this a little bit because when we understand a little bit better it makes us actually want to hear those names. So, I've…I mean I've been places in the world that have commemorated the Holocaust in World War II, the, you know, the attempted annihilation of the Jewish people. And there are museums, many throughout the earth that take a look at this. I've also been to places like Rwanda in Africa where genocide took place and that…they…they have a completely different way of doing things there. They've in some cases just left…left the bodies that have become skeletons where they fell. Like they've…or they've collected the bones of people who were just massacred even in places like churches. They just kind of…they didn't…they’re just…their skeletons are there in part so that the horribleness of what happened won't be forgotten. And it's…well…it’s difficult indeed, but it also makes you never forget, which is kind of the point. The point is to remember so that you don’t have to go this way again, so that nobody, future generations won't forget either, so that they can come back and see where the road leads if things get out of control. And then of course there are like national museums throughout the earth for some of the atrocities that have happened. And, although I haven’t been to every one of those in the world I’ve been to several and in these usually you usually find a quiet room. Maybe it's dimly lit. Like in my mind's eye right now I think of the national genocide memorial in Kigali in Rwanda. And there’s…there’s a room there that's quiet and there are clothes…there’s clothing there of people that were wearing those clothes when they were murdered. And there's thousands of photographs of people who were lost. And then this kind of a big round place you can come sit in the middle of the room just, you know, sit quietly and you begin to hear a quiet voice saying name after name after name after name, never-ending so that those names will be spoken out so that they will not be forgotten. And, so, that what happened that took them off the earth will not be forgotten either. So, here in Chronicles Israel as we've known it all along the journey that we've taken to this point, those people, those 12 tribes are gone. They have no ruling over themselves whatsoever. They have no land. They have no nation. The promised land is gone. The 10 tribes in the north have been carried into exile by the Assyrians and they are gone. Judah has fallen to the Babylonians and the Babylonians have exiled them into Babylon. The homeland is lost. People have been killed. Families have been torn apart. People are all over…all over the place and these names are to remember who they are and what happened to them. And, so, in a real way when we read these names, we’re kind of participating in that same kind of thing. We’re saying them aloud so that they're not forgotten because the intention here, like the Babylonian intention…intention is to move everybody out of Judah, move them somewhere else, move other people into Judah, so that at some point within the next couple of generations there's only the Babylonian Empire, like everything's Babylon. Nobody really has allegiance to some kind homeland and some kind of localized gods and all this kind of stuff. So, they’re trying to obliterate that whereas here in first Chronicles the Hebrew people are trying to not forget who they are, where they came from, and who God is. And that changes things.

And then we flipped over into the book of Acts. We've seen Paul go to Jerusalem, even though he knew what was going to happen and it did happen and he is under arrest and he’s had to be spirited out of Jerusalem to Caesarea on the coast where he can be protected because there's an assassination plot where people have vowed not to eat or drink until they kill Paul. So, it's pretty serious and Paul for the first time now is Caesarea gets to begin to state his case because the Hebrew people, the elite religious leaders have come to accuse Paul. And, so, what we see now is Paul beginning to share the gospel as a part of his defense and in the process he is sharing the gospel with people that he would never be able to meet with likely, like that he would never be able to sit down and have a conversation with. So, he is sharing the gospel to more powerful people than he had access to. And we see Felix today, summons Paul number of times, even though he's hoping for a bribe. Paul is able now to have access to powerful people that he would've never been able to get to any other way. And, so, we’re seeing the gospel continues even though Paul has lost his freedom.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for Your word and we thank You for the…the way that it reaches into our lives and touches us in so many ways on so many levels. Sometimes it disrupts us. Sometimes we take a step back and go, “wait. What?” Sometimes immense revelation comes flowing into our hearts where things we’ve been struggling with for so many years, all the sudden clarity comes. We are thankful for this. We are thankful for the living word that continues to be alive within us and we thank You for the opportunity to be here every day to take the next step forward. And, so, Father plant the words that we've read into our hearts today and may they yield the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts, and may that spill out into the world and may we bring light and good news to everyone within our sphere of influence. We pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is the website and its home base and it is where you find out what is going on around here.

And what is going on around here is tomorrow. Tomorrow is the 7th of July, which may not look like a holiday on your calendar but it's our own, it’s our own little Global Campfire holiday, something that we call the long walk. And it's exactly that. I've been talking about it for the last couple weeks. It's as simple as it sounds. Go for a long walk with God wherever it is that you find beautiful, wherever it is that you can go that you can drink in the fact that God is sustaining this world and pouring out beauty upon us to remind us constantly, but we’ve got our heads in our anxieties and our stresses so much that we not… we’re not even opening our eyes to notice and it's getting crazier and crazier and crazier the more that we try to do it on our own. And this is that moment where we stop the world and we focus on resetting ourselves for the second half of the year and we have the conversations with the Lord that we need to have that we’ve been too busy that we just haven't been able to just without interruption just pour ourselves out and we haven't had the time to sit and listen and be still and know. And, so, every seventh of July we take that day for this purpose. Regroup, reset and move forward into the second half of the year with renewed purpose and renewed awareness of…of what's going on in our own lives but what's also going on like we’re participating in as we move forward in time together on this earth. And, so, that's…man…that's tomorrow.

And we have a new resource, Heart, a contemplative journey that releases tomorrow and will be available for the long walk. You can get it at…at the iTunes store and get it at the Google Play store and have it ready. Like, preorder it today and will be waiting for you tomorrow for your long walk. And it is…it is a conversation starter. It takes us through an hour of guided prayer and contemplative music and leads us to our own hearts, helps us to acknowledge the things we’ve been going through, the things, the emotions that we've been feeling and maybe why those emotions have come, and how maybe we've misinterpreted things, and invited God…invite…invites God into the midst of it all and is a perfect way to begin the long walk and just move into a different space because that's really what we need, is to get out of all that's going on and rest for a day and re-center ourselves on what is true for a day so that we can move into the second half of the year in Spirit and in truth. So, I'm looking forward to it. I hope you're looking forward to it. It's definitely a solitary thing to do but it is a community thing that we do. Even though we’re doing it alone all over the world are doing it together. So, I'm just saying wherever you go, and whether you just got in the backyard or whether you go hours…whatever…wherever you go, whatever you do. Maybe you want to take a picture. Maybe you want to take a little video. Maybe you want to remember this day. And post that comment that…at the Daily Audio Bible Facebook page and then we'll post it up and we just have these windows into the beauty of the earth, into the beauty of the long walk all over the world and just little windows into the places in the world we all live and the beauty of the day. So, I’m looking forward to that and I hope you are too.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There is a link that lives on the homepage. I thank you with all of my heart for your partnership. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

And, as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit Hotline button in the app, which is the little red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

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hannawilliamson · 3 years

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Virginia - December 2020

In the months leading up to November 2020, I had debated attending graduate school in the state of Wisconsin or Virginia. When it came down to the cost, it was the best decision to stay as an in-state resident for graduate school. I was accepted by George Williams College to start pursuing my Masters in Social Work in January 2021. With no clarity into my next opportunity for a trip out to Virginia I decided to go before starting school in the new year.

Saturday, December 5th

I woke up early and headed to Milwaukee for my flight to visit Jenna & Bradley in Virginia. I landed around 10AM. Bradley picked me up and had planned our first stop at a coffee shop, Cafe Amouri (https://www.caffeamouri.com/) in Vienna, Virginia. Bradley ordered the Pumpkin Spice Latte and I ordered the Gingerbread Latte, both were incredible options. I would make sure to stop at this location again when in the area. I felt they did a great job managing ordering and contactless pickup during the COVID pandemic. Bradley and I caught up while Jenna completed her sleep after an overnight shift. When Jenna awoke we headed out for lunch and a full day ahead.

I have a soft spot for Bartaco (https://bartaco.com/location/reston/) since it was one of my highlight restaurants the first time I came out to Virginia. If you know me well you know I am in a constant state of craving mexican food and elote corn. We ordered Guac, Street Corn and a variety of tacos. I decided I am not a fan of the Crispy Oyster Taco that Bradley is fond of, but I am down for the Glazed Pork Belly Taco any day!

Jenna drove us to Amphora Bakery (https://amphorabakery.com/) where we were able to see the treat artists at work in the back room. Bradley picked up some delicious decorative sugar cookies and I selected a magic bar. I decided that in the future the sugar cookies are most definitely the best way to go!

In an attempt to stay local for the early afternoon we stopped for a wine flight at Fleetwood Farm Winery (https://fleetwoodfarmwinery.com/). Bradley and I enjoyed the variety as many of them were dry. Jenna passed up on several as she prefers the sweeter side of wine. Several other guest were ordering the pizza to pair with their wine, so that may be a good try for a future visit.

As a tradition I requested that we snag up a treat from Mama's Apple Pie (https://www.momsapplepieco.com/) in Leesburg, Virginia. I selected the Boston Cream which was good but nothing can compare the outstanding fruit pie varieties that are offered at each of their locations.

Next we headed farther from home to Bluemont Winery (https://www.bluemontvineyard.com/) as Bradley had seen online they had a field of Christmas lights after sunset. Upon our arrival we found the venue overpacked for our comfort during the pandemic and it was cold enough we weren’t fond of sitting outside without heaters. We picked ourselves up and headed across the street to Henway Hard Cider (https://greatcountryfarms.com/henway-hard-cider/), a new location since I last visited. Upon arrival we witnessed a snowman on an island in their man made pond, as we neared the entry to the building we were able to chat with the chickens they house there. During our visit we enjoyed some cider, sliders and a cookie tray. It was an open building and great to check out for the first time. As the sun began to set we headed back over to Bluemont Vineyard where they had Christmas lights strung throughout the vines. It was stunning as we took the view from the bottom, driving on the curvy road to the top and got to look down on them as they spread over the hillside. Bradley made a great call in recommending we go out to see them. We had so much fun taking photos and videos, laughing at ourselves the entire time. Before heading out of town we stopped at Bluemont General Store (http://www.bluemontstore.com/) in which we were able to pick up some true molasses for our gingerbread cookies to come. We arrived home exhausted after a long day of travel and adventure, and went straight to bed.

Sunday, December 6th

Sunday was a monumental day, as Jenna woke up and cooked me breakfast all before 10. It consisted of Trader Joe’s hash browns, JUST eggs, Kite Hill chive dip and Wegmans Sausage. If any of you want a killer breakfast this is all the ingredients that you need!

Our next stop of the day was the local farmer’s market, as ya know you’re girl cannot pass up a morning farmers market. We picked up Twin Oats (https://twinoats.com/) oat bites sampler pack. I do have to say my all-time favorite is the White Chocolate Cinnamon Roll, but the Vanilla is good too. Can I say that the owner of this sweet shop is so kind as well. Jenna was a familiar face but without hesitation she welcomed me in sharing all that she had to offer. If you have a local farmers market I encourage you to go, spend your money here, and socialize with others in your community. Let’s connect together as humans!

We scooped up Bradley from home and headed to Eugene’s Sausage & Fries (https://eatateugenes.com/). I cannot rave enough about how accommodating the staff was with a dairy free, gluten free and egg free diet. Each member of the team was professional and took the allergens seriously. Please understand that a majority of locations we encountered throughout our trip did not take the time to double check their ingredients or consult with the chef to ensure that the allergens were not present within the food. I could write a stellar review about Eugene’s day after day for the great service they provided us during our visit. Our order consisted of Truffle Fries, El Diablo Sausage, Elote Fries, Southern Dog and my pitiful lamb blueberry infused sausage. I would highly recommend ordering the Truffle Fries at every visit with the parmesan on the side and the el diablo sausage. I would pass on the lamb sausage which is no longer listed on the menu, likely for good reason.

Our following location was Aroma Wine Tasting Room (https://moraisvineyards.com/aroma-wine-tasting/) where we obtained flight trees and Jenna was in heaven with the opportunity to fill hers with almost all dessert wines. It was a quaint location with incredible staff, we spent much of the afternoon sipping our wine away. I must add too that the women’s restroom at this location is huge allowing you the opportunity to run in circles, which as expected Jenna could not pass up.

Cookies & Cream Ice Cream (https://www.cookiesandcreamshop.com/) was a phenomenal follow up location of choice for those of you who eat dairy, I would recommend passing on the sorbet. I ordered the Campfire S’mores ice cream and I can tell you it is worth the drive out to Haymarket! I would order it again and again for the rest of my days if I could.

Bradley had other adventures to attend to, so Jenna and I went rogue for the rest of the evening. Starting out at Gray Ghost Winery (https://grayghostvineyards.com/) we completed a wine tasting at the counter allowing us the opportunity to hear the history of the grounds and story behind the name. We ended our visit by touring the wine cork gallery that has been set up for the holiday season. Jenna ended up purchasing a bottle of dessert wine and I took a sweet white home for us to share with our mother over the holiday season.

In Virginia there is this small little building that was placed on earth by God, called the Cheesecake Heaven Drive Thru (https://www.facebook.com/WarrentonCheesecake/) and by God is it good. I had the Original Cheesecake which was outstanding! I promise you, you won’t go wrong by picking out any one of these options. I truly suggest that you pick more than one, if you’re having a hard time deciding just be assured that the Lord only wants what is best for you and that may mean you have to pick out all your favorites.

YOU GUYS! I can not help but crack up each time I think of our experience at Bull Run Winery (https://www.wineryatbullrun.com/). As Jenna and I were walking in from the parking lot I was on the phone with our father. Jenna hops up the smallest curb and next thing I know she is on the ground, pauses a second on her back, rolls managing to get herself up in one swift motion all while picking up the contents that dumped out of her jacket pockets onto the concrete. Jenna starts halling ass up this huge hill to the entrance. I am laughing so hard I can’t speak to inform my concerned father of what occurred while at the same time I am out of breath trying to keep up with her. It is one of my favorite Jenna moments, and to this day I can’t help but laugh when the memory of this event crosses my mind. At the top of the hill as I confronted Jenna on the events that just occurred she acted as if no fall had occurred. Once I calmed my laughter we walked further into the ground of Bull Run to find a tent with heaters to drink under, a wine bar and outdoor live music. Jenna and I each grabbed a glass, found a location near a heater and it was then Jenna admitted to her fall for the first time. Jenna and I chatted and sipped on our wines while we listened to the horrific singing coming from the stage beside us.

We stopped at the Dolce Amore Peruvian Bakery (http://www.dolceamoresweets.com/) before picking up dinner and heading home. We ordered the Tres Leches, Mini Alfajor Box and a Caramel Horn. If you enjoy caramel and shortbread cookies the Mini Alfajor Box is a must have item. The employees were sweet in providing the correct pronunciation of the items after I asked for assistance. I would recommend making a stop here if you’re local.

Jenna and I picked up Ford’s Fish Shack (https://fordsfishshack.com/locations/ashburn/) to-go before heading home to eat dinner with Bradley. I had requested crab legs before my visit to town so Jenna ensured they were on our order. Bradley and I both enjoyed Connecticut Style Lobster Rolls and fries while Jenna tried out the scallops. I have a sick obsession with their skinny fries at all Ford’s locations, which topped off my entire day. After we filled our stomachs and caught up on our daily adventure, we headed off to bed for another fun-filled day.

Monday, December 7th

Our morning started off at Petite Loulou Creperie (https://www.lapetiteloulou.com/) in Purcellville, Virginia. Jenna ordered a Sugar Plum Mimosa with her Local Honey and Almond Crepe. Bradley ordered an oat milk latte with his Chicken Cordon Bleu Crêpe. I completed my order with the Prosciutto, Goat Cheese, & Fig Jam Crepe. If you know me any item with prosciutto, goat cheese and/or balsamic glaze is a must order item.

Our next spot on the way home was a coffee shop called Dolce & Ciabatta (https://dolceciabatta.com/) where I ordered my morning coffee and an eclair that I would come to love for the rest of eternity.

Jenna and I headed out in the afternoon to SideBar (https://www.sidebarlbg.com/eats) in Leesburg to test out their happy hours for our first time. We spent hours this afternoon eating, drinking and chatting away. I have to say this is a memory that I will treasure, it was so good to visit with my sister one on one as grown adult women, an opportunity I don’t believe we truly ever had before. Jenna and I enjoyed the General Tso’s Cauliflower, Maple Sriracha Wings, SideBar Fries and Calamari. If you haven’t been to SideBar Happy Hour you’re truly missing out! GO NOW!

After our afternoon dining experience I forced Jenna to take me to all the local TJ Maxx locations. We explored around hitting up Nothing Bundt Cakes (https://www.nothingbundtcakes.com/) before heading home. I ordered the White Chocolate Raspberry, my all time favorite.

Prior to my arrival Bradley had planned several activities for us to enjoy in the evening one of which was building gingerbread houses and activities I had never participated in before. We had such a great time sitting around the coffee table as a family decorating our houses throughout the rest of night. I strove to one up them by adding a stained glass window in my house by using my phone’s flashlight and a half eaten gumdrop. Can you tell I am still impressed with my artistic abilities?

Tuesday, December 8th

Again I forced Jenna to rise from her slumber and make me the very requested repeat breakfast from a few days prior. I am telling you, it is good! We headed out shortly thereafter for a wine tasting at Cooper’s Hawk (https://chwinery.com/). I enjoyed this opportunity as I had heard Jenna and Bradley rave about the wine and educational experience since moving out to Virginia.

As we were still full from breakfast we headed out to Mt. Defiance Cidery & Distillery (https://mtdefiance.com/). We were given the opportunity to order glasses of wine, due to the pandemic flights being unavailable. The cider pours were generous and tasted great. Bradley had a good cracking up session by himself at our table for still an unknown reason. We chatted here for sometime in this beautiful building before heading out. I did purchase a bottle of the Blueberry Cider and Jenna picked up some local mustard and jams they had for sale. We popped in and out of shops in Gainesville before heading to dinner.

After much debate we enjoyed our dinner at Out of the Blue (https://www.outoftheblue.restaurant/). We enjoyed our shared order of calamari and shrimp. Bradley enjoyed his oysters. I was not a fan of the lobster roll bringing me to the realization I only appreciate a lobster roll if it is Connecticut style. Jenna ate scallops that we subpar for the pricing. We hit up another TJ Maxx on our way back toward home. After a dissatisfied dinner we snug a late night treat in at SideBar ordering some calamari that we shared together in the local parking garage. It was a simple but memorable experience together. I ordered some maple sriracha wings to dive into late at night since I was heading out of town the next day.

Upon our arrival home Bradley got to work on the gingerbread cookies. As a family we spent the rest of the evening around the coffee table decorating and watching Christmas movies.

Wednesday, December 9th

Once we rolled out of bed in the morning we enjoyed a simple breakfast with coffee at home. Around the noon hour Jenna made me homemade gluten free breaded pickles which were incredible. I ordered Pho-Nomenal (https://www.phonomenalashburn.com/menus) for lunch to arrive at the house. I ordered several types of Summer Rolls which came with an outstanding peanut sauce. We also ordered 4 Sisters Asian Snack Bar (https://www.foursisterssnackbar.com/) boba drinks as a last treat before I packed up my belongings and headed to the airport.

In the evening I landed safely back home in Chicago where I was greeted by my parents. Thank you Virginia for another amazing stay. I look forward to spending time outside at the wineries during a summer visit in the future.

#virginia #unitedstates #travel #visitfam #winery #cidery #foodieblogs

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vestedbeauty · 3 years

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Guilty of People Pleasing? How to Stop (Even if This Is How You've Survived Until Now)

New Post has been published on https://vestedbeauty.com/guilty-of-people-pleasing-how-to-stop-even-if-this-is-how-youve-survived-until-now/

Guilty of People Pleasing? How to Stop (Even if This Is How You've Survived Until Now)

OK, so, it’s possible that my people pleasing way of life was just coded into me based on the stars and planets. I’m not personally really into astrology but a lot of people I love are. So, I’ve learned that I may be the Libra-est Libra who ever Libra’d. And apparently people pleasing is a thing for us.

But while I weigh that a bit (sorry, Libra joke), I’m going to go share my thoughts on this… trait? Flaw? Coping mechanism? Well, whatever category people pleasing falls into, let’s take a look.

It’s a Good Thing Puppies Are Cute

She’s nearly four now but Pickle has settled down a whole lot. (I’m currently working through a dog training course with her and the rest of the pack to see if we can end the jumping up on people nonsense.) When she was tiny, she did a pretty good impression of The Very Caterpillar. She ate through our slippers. She ate through our blankets. She even ate through the drywall in a couple of places.

“Pickle, it’s a good thing you’re cute,” we said, about a million times. And it’s true.

It’s the same with tiny humans. They smell bad. They cry and cry and cry. And they leave their parents exhausted to the point they can barely remember their own names. But on the deepest level there is, we bond with them to the point we’d give our lives to save them.

Still, it’s a good thing they’re cute.

In part, a baby’s cuteness is a way of people pleasing. We cannot function or even survive on our own. Our survival depends on our parents being willing to take care of us, even though we offer nothing in return.

Last One In Is a Rotten Egg!

Fast-forward a few years, and our world expands from our parents and immediate family outward to include friends, teachers, and a whole lot of people we’ve never met. Humans being humans, we start forming smaller groups.

Like it was programmed into us, we can get pretty ruthless as we sort through the crowd of humanity. Yes to this one, no to that one. We find best friends and second-best friends (remember that?), and we learn how to fit in.

But we also get some brutal lessons about living in kid society. We discover the pecking order, watching some kids rise to the top of the social order and others fall into a perilous place where they are practically untouchable.

The permanent rotten egg, the kid nobody seems to like – even enough to defend when human decency demands it. (I still think about some of the kids I grew up with who were socially brutalized, bullied, cast out. I hope they survived and healed, and while I’m glad I didn’t actively hurt them, I shamefully lacked the courage to befriend them.)

In this Lord of the Flies world, kids learn quickly how important it is to gather allies. Perhaps for the first time ever, they grasp the reality that if they piss people off, they will be shunned and thrust out into the cruel world on their own.

People pleasing becomes a survival mechanism. I believe that’s where it starts for many of us. We learn to walk, talk, and behave in ways that please our cohort enough to keep us safe.

Keep Your Hands and Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

It doesn’t take a genius to realize it’s crucial to fit into the box kid society draws for its members. Fit or face destruction.

So, we contort ourselves to fit. If some odd bit refuses to fold neatly into the box, we cut it off. Survival demands ruthlessness.

… Got a weird hobby? Not anymore.

… Have a weird freckle on the bottom of your foot? Shoes, forever.

… Freaky smart at some subject or another? No. Get a ‘B’ and live.

… Set your sights on a career that seems a little “extra”? Probably don’t talk about that anymore.

It’s not like that for everyone, of course. And there are pockets of welcoming hearts who’ll accept people as they are, thank goodness.

But I suspect this is when many people pleasers develop their modus operandi. People pleasing can look like:

Having a hard time saying no (or even wanting to)

Feeling gutted if someone’s displeased with you

Agreeing with what others decide because you know you can make anything work

Feeling like you’re responsible for other people’s emotions or experiences

Apologies… so many apologies… for everything

Conflict avoidance at any cost

A persistent craving for praise from others

Inability to admit or express “negative” emotions

Struggling to make decisions that impact other people

This nasty list makes sense when you understand that a people pleaser weighs the safety of every word, step, and choice. It makes even more sense when you realize they may have zero experience moving through the world in any other way.

When Enough Is Enough

As a young woman, I took all of this to the next level by choosing a very public life as a pastor’s wife for a couple of decades. Pairing my childhood fascination with Emily Post’s etiquette book with the deep desire to be a good example, I had that box’s contents under control. The stakes seemed to be of eternal significance, after all.

But I learned something huge, courtesy of one of many youth group outings that ended with dinner. It took decades for this lesson to register, but now I can’t unsee it.

“Kids don’t know diddly-squat about what’s good and what’s not good.”

Given the choice between filet mignon and a burger from McDonalds, pretty much every kid in every youth group we ran would choose the golden arches. I could rattle off a bunch of similar examples, but you get it. Discernment comes with age.

That’s why the nerd gets the girl… later in life. Once we can embrace our greatness, right in the face of a crowd that punishes outliers, we flourish. We can become who we were always meant to be. Not coincidentally, that’s when we also find deep personal fulfillment and a sense of finding and fulfilling our purpose.

Allowing some pre-pubescent ghost from decades gone by to dictate how you show up in the world just seems silly. That whole threat to expel you from society for not fitting in becomes laughable.

I mean, it’s not even a thing anymore, anyway.

Who, in the adult world, roams the halls of their home or workplace, shoving people into lockers? What adult taunts someone else about what they brought for lunch – or the fact that person dared to eat when people could see them? And what adult torments another adult for having a passionate interest in an offbeat hobby?

Ridiculous.

You’re Not the Boss of Me!

I’m half-obsessed with Scotland. Many of my family’s roots start there. I freaking love that place, the music, the terrain, the food, the whisky, the spirit of the people – it’s got my heart. Anderson there is like Smith or Jones in America. The Anderson crest reads “Stand Sure.”

Oh, the irony.

That hit me hard as 2020 came to a close. It was both the best and the worst motto I could imagine. These two words, I’d seen on a crest on the wall for as long as I could remember. But it wasn’t really for me.

Some people, as a new year approaches, choose a word for the new year to embody for them. I chose “Stand Sure.”

It felt dangerous. Like, I knew this was going to impact my whole “tread lightly” philosophy in life. I had absolutely zero ideas about how I’d possibly go about addressing my people pleasing. It was so ingrained in me, like when a surgeon refuses to cut out a brain tumor because the brain has grown around it. Or, like separating conjoined twins. This seemed like something I’d just have to live with forever.

MindFix Did the Impossible

I’ve done some woo-woo stuff along my personal development journey. That includes walking on fire, walking on broken glass, climbing redwood trees and jumping off (harnessed in!) to grab a trapeze, and SO many seminars. They all helped me grow. A lot. But during a long weekend in January, I got to work with the team at MindFix.

And it changed everything. But only in the areas where I’ve applied it so far (haha – only a few amazing, miraculous changes!)

Going in, I knew roughly that I wanted to work on this whole people pleasing thing. That’s it. I didn’t know how to even describe it. It felt embarrassing, vague, and permanent. In fact, we never actually discussed it directly. We worked on some other things. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I noticed its absence.

I can’t even begin to explain how Erin and her team do what they do. I won’t even try.

But I can explain this…

I came to a realization that the SUPREME DIRECTIVE under which I’d lived most of my life… was proclaimed by a little kid. A little kid who’d choose a $.67 mass-produced burger over a delectable filet mignon.

You Don’t Know Nuthin’ about Nuthin’

That kid did her best to protect me. To her, safety depended on fitting into a box. Anything that didn’t quite fit should be bent or lopped off.

I’d outgrown her in every way. But I was still listening to her, so life apart from people pleasing felt dangerous. I still exhibited most of the symptoms above – and those behaviors were hurting me.

The work we did helped me go after this dragon and slay it. In realizing that kid version of me was just trying to help, but really didn’t know how, it opened a whole new possibility… just being me.

I could see evidence indicating it was safe to shut her down.

I have weird hobbies (drone flying, chicken raising, classic VW ogling, front yard gardening – just for starters). Nobody torments me over that. (I mean, can you imagine how insane that would be?)

My mate and I are flat-out weird (so much ink, in bed by 7, both creatives – and that list goes on). Nobody follows us, taunting us. (I mean, we did get called the perfect insult in the VW restoration world… Billy-Bob shade-tree Chip Foos wannabes – I can’t even tell you how many giggles I’ve had over that pejorative on our YouTube channel.)

Even my work life is strange (I’ve discovered that the way my brain operates is REALLY unusual. Some would see it as a huge plus; others would find it perplexing.)

And then there’s this one “flaw” that put me in danger of ostracism so much that I shut it down entirely… until I saw it differently and felt safe valuing it.

It’s my capacity to love, like geeking-out, human exclamation point levels of enthusiasm for certain people. (I always gathered that I was too sensitive, too excitable.) That one’s back in play big-time, and it adds incredible joy to my life. Like, one of my favorite things to do is to SEE someone’s greatness and then tell their story in a way that others see it, too.

If This Isn’t Irony…

So, “Stand Sure” is in play.

Undoubtedly, there’s still a little kid inside, desperately trying to keep me in line by pleasing people. But she sure seems quiet these days.

I did crack up, though, when a colleague mentioned that since the start of the year, I’d really started to own my own value. He continued, “I’m not seeing that people pleasing way you used to show up.” And that… that pleased me greatly.

Who knows what else is possible? The best is yet to come.

#people pleasing

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adkinemi06 · 3 years

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Blog Post #30-Live Intentionally

Current Mood: Somber

Currently listening to: Fall Afresh by Bethel

Current verse of choice: “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.” Ephesians 5:15-17 NIV

Wow…what a year. My last blog was on March, 18, 2020, and I feel like I haven’t stopped since then. Shortly after I posted that, I got deployed to NYC for 3 months to work in the thick of COVID…more to come on that. Back then, I remember expressing how I wasn’t feeling up to blogging because I was working on personal statements and essays for grad school…also more to come on that. But, I am back, and I am ready to write.

Let me go back to Saturday, April 4th, 2020-it’s 2 AM, and I am at work on my lunch break. My phone rings, and it is a random number. “Hello?” “Hi, LTJG Adkinson. This is Commander (I forget his name). You have been tagged to go to NYC for COVID support. You need to be on a plane by Sunday morning (April 5th).” “Okay, where will I be working?” “We don’t know yet.” “Okay, should I pack to sleep in a hotel or a tent setting?” “We don’t know yet.” “Okay…Will the military be providing our PPE while we are there?” “We don’t know yet.” “How long will we be gone?” “We don’t know yet.” “Okay-thank you, Sir.” You’re welcome, LTJG. Have a good night.” *End phone call* That was that-30 hours later, I was on a plane with no return flight booked. Needless to say, this was a pretty intense moment. Last April, this whole thing was still pretty new and scary, so none of us really knew what we were about to face. I don’t want to spend the whole blog talking about my experience because I could go on for days...so I will just paraphrase my experiences.

I was assigned to be a part of the Navy Medical Support Team (NMST), and we were deployed to about nine different hospitals within New York neighborhoods. My specific hospital was located in an underprivileged area where many people were experiencing homelessness, addiction, and lack of financial stability. By the time we arrived, the hospital was wrecked. The staff was getting sick (and dying), patients were dying before they even made it up to the ICUs, resources were low, the hospital was over max capacity, and bodies were being stored in refrigerated semi-trucks due to lack of space in the morgue. At times, it felt like we were not even in America anymore. My team of naval officers (many of whom have deployed multiple times to other countries) stated that these conditions are like nothing they have ever seen; we walked into a "high-casualty" situation.

Working in a make-shift ICU requires a lot of critical thinking because the normal resources are not available. All of our patients were on ventilators with multiple drips to sedate them and maintain their hemodynamic stability. The most shocking thing that I shortly became de-sensitized to is the fact that all of my patients are on portable ventilators that sat on a bedside table; I only saw two real ventilators there. Patients were on outrageous ventilator settings, and most patients couldn’t even be repositioned or bathed regularly due to the risk of them decompensating. I personally saw three people survive in the three months I was there. I held the hands of my patients, prayed over them, FaceTimed families while they said goodbye to their loved ones, and silently cried over patients in the quiet hours of the night. This virus rips through people's bodies like wild-fire, but the most ugly part about it is how alone people are forced to be during the worst moments of their lives.

I got back in the beginning of July, and I went right back to work. My first eight shifts back from New York, I worked in the COVID ICU at UH….and I have continued to work in the thick of it since. God has a special place in Heaven for healthcare workers-that’s all I have to say about that.

In terms of grad school, I have decided to attend Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston; it was a VERY stressful, grueling process to get to that decision. My days at the bedside are numbered, and, honestly, I can’t say I am super sad about that. God has lead me to the world of anesthesia, and I am so excited (yet terrified) to dive in. Will I miss the bedside? Eh. I will definitely miss the good parts about it like my co-workers and building relationships with patients and families; but, I feel like those good moments have been so far and few between for a while. I wouldn’t say I am “hardened” because I still spend plenty of time grieving over patients I have lost, but I am just ready to move on to the new challenges ahead of me.

I think we are all guilty of wanting things to go a certain way in our lives, but that is not always God’s plan. When I read that verse from Ephesians, it hits me hard when it says, “…understand what the Lord’s will is.” Wow. If that isn’t humbling, then I don’t know what is. We can want all of the things we want, but is that what God wants?? This verses has been a huge part of my development as an adult because it has driven a lot of the hard choices I have had to make. It’s no secret that young adults are all tempted with sin at some point in their life (drugs, sex, porn, theft, infidelity, etc.), and I believe that this is what the bible is referring to when it says, “…the days are evil”. The days can be very evil because the devil is very real. We make choices every second of every day…we choose to get out of bed, we choose to brush our teeth, we choose to scroll through social media for hours, we choose to go to work or not go to work, we choose to commit to our relationships. *Disclaimer: Mental illness is real, and some people do not have the ability to choose healthy choices all the time. I am only speaking from my personal experiences* All this being said, something that I want to focus on is living more intentionally. I want to be aware of God’s will in my life, and I want to intentionally choose to follow it. I want to intentionally seek God out. I want to be intentional with my time-Am I using my time wisely, or am I wasting it on meaningless things? I want to be intentional with my hobbies...especially music. I want to be intentional with my relationships. Am I allowing my busy life to take over so much that those that I love question my loyalty? Or do the people I love trust that I am present and actively participating in their lives? I want to be the person that is so confident in God’s plan that I question nothing when I am uneasy-I just intentionally trust the path.

Random thoughts: This will be my last winter in Ohio for a while, and I’m not mad about it…I’m predicting the Brown’s appearance in Super Bowl LVI…I already miss Collin and our families, and I haven’t even moved yet…Collin refuses to let me get a wiener dog…

Live Intentionally,

#icu #charleston #intentional #united states navy #crna

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ascriptofasoul · 4 years

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In The Quiet — series finale (August 23, 2020)

In a previous a blog post, I mentioned how I have not felt like myself for quite some time now.

After I shared that blog post, I took some time away to really reflect and reprioritize what it is that I hold as of importance in my life and where God stands amongst those.

Although it wasn’t the focus of that post, or something I had given much thought to at the time, it is reassuring to know it was on God’s heart and something He wanted me to know: who I was and where my identity lies.

They say that when you are in Christ, the new creation has come and the old has gone. Though I thought God had given me a new heart and I was changed, God was humbling me and showing me how much understanding I still lacked. God had been so merciful so that I would come to know Him, but still, He had only been an addition to my life, not the transformation of my life. That is why I didn’t who I was... I was supposed to be identifying myself in Christ but instead, I was a lukewarm believer.

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭3:15-16‬

“I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!”

You see, I was aware of the promises of God, I loved Jesus for what He did on the Cross for me, and I may have even looked the part of a “Christian”, but I wasn’t living it. I wasn’t living as someone who had tasted the sweet grace and mercy only our God could provide, I wasn’t living as someone who had known the life-saving Gospel and was eager to share it, I wasn’t living as someone who desperately clung onto Jesus because she knew she was nothing without Him.

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:1-2‬

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

On this journey that the Lord has been taking me on, He has shown me how one hand, there was Jesus and all the things that came with being a “Christian”—church on Sundays, church friends, worship music, and even bible study. On the other hand, was everything else in my life. Everything that I didn’t want Jesus to be a part of—unresolved hurt from my familial relationships that I didn’t want to confront, the person I was around friends who were unbelievers, and even the desire for financial stability over my desire for God at times.

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:24‬

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

I didn’t realize all along I still wanted the things of this world. Do not be decieved though, the things of this world that we desire needn’t be “extreme” or what we think of when we think of “sin”, that is how the enemy tricks us into believing that what we want is not “that bad”. It is simply anything else we want apart from God or before God. It is all the things that we are too afraid to give up and give into God’s hands. Because then, it would mean actually surrendering ourselves, our “peace”, and trusting Him. And sadly for some, even myself, it seemed like too much to do and like Jesus just wasn’t enough at the time.

Essentially, I had built two worlds for myself. The world I was with Jesus, and the world I was with everything else that I didn’t think pertained to Jesus.

I thought that I could keep parts of my life away from God as well because honestly, I didn’t want to be convicted or confronted with the truth about who God was... or who I was as a lukewarm believer. However, He who created all things is already in all things. Thus, He knows our intentions and He sees everything we do. He is sovereign and holds authority over our futures, our loved ones, our worries, and even our time.

My inability to let go of the trivial things was the reason why God never came first in my life. It was the reason why I didn’t always feel on fire for God, and it was the reason why I didn’t always feel like God was speaking to me.

I was trying to balance it all... but that’s not what God wanted from me. He didn’t want Himself on the same level as the things that only brought us momentary bliss, because He is much more than that. He didn’t want “half an hour of my day” because that was all I could afford to give Him. He didn’t want me to pray just because I was stressed in the moment and that was the only time I had spoken to Him all week.

For so long in my life, I have put Jesus in a box; one that I only opened on Sundays, with other Christians, or when it was convenient for me. The God of the entire universe and all creations, the King of the greatest and highest throne, and the One who didn’t have to, but still chose to bleed on the Cross for His people. This is the same God who gave His life for me, gave me the Holy Spirit for all of my days, and listens to my every prayer... yet I ignored Him, gave Him the leftovers of my time, and fragments of myself.

God was showing me that I couldn’t do that to Him anymore. I couldn’t put Him in a corner of my life like a Christmas sweater I only brought out once a year. He wanted all of my undivided attention and genuine worship for who He was. He wanted to know that I would pursue Him even if I had to do it alone. He wanted to know that even if I sinned, I would still come to Him and repent. He wanted to know that if He called me, I would get up and forsake that “other world” I had built and not hesitate. He wanted to know that if I really loved Him, I would still pray to Him and seek Him in all things, even if He gave me nothing apart from Himself. He wanted to know that if He is all I have, would that be enough for me?

I look back now and recognize how I haven’t been truly planted in the house of God so that my faith could flourish. I wasn’t rooted in Christ enough to resist temptation or not be so weakened, and I wasn’t abiding in God’s truth so that He could convict me or equip me.

There are times in the past when I thought “Well, I read a few chapters from my bible so I got my fill of God for the day.” But now, I don’t want to ever want to stop needing more of Jesus in my life because now I see, I cannot afford to live without Him.

The irony is that while God doesn’t need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don’t really want Him most of the time. — Francis Chan

It is not enough to say that I know God but remain unmoved by who He is. I don’t want to be a part-time believer anymore. I don’t want to be a lukewarm Christian. I want to be on fire for God. I want to be identified as His child (not by my works but by my heart), and I want to sing of His praises. I want to be constantly refined according to His purpose so that He may receive all the infinite glory.

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:21-23‬

“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.”

Although what I have shared with you today are probably things you’ve heard of before, I know God poured it into my heart to share it regardless. I was convinced because I had already known these things, I didn’t need to fully grasp it anymore either... but that just goes to show how much I actually needed Jesus to breathe life back into my bones and give me fresh eyes. When I think I have come to know everything there is about God, that means I have too much pride. It means that I have grown so numb to Jesus that the excruciating reality of what will happen if I don’t radically and wholeheartedly follow Him, no longer phases me. I am just a person so I know what I say may not matter. But, I pray and ask that you allow the Word of God to always prune you. I pray that you do not grow indifferent of our tremendously persistent and marvelousus God. I ask you to not minimize His painful, redefining death that brought us redemption. I ask you to never stop living in awe of the One who saved us from ourselves.

We are so lucky we have a patient God like Jesus, for had we loved the people in our lives the way we loved our Father in Heaven, surely they would have abandoned us by now.

Psalm 8:3–4

When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that You care for him?

This crucial and special time I’ve been taking to be with the Lord has allowed see what it means to put Him first in my life. Moreover, I learned I couldn’t just want “a little bit” of God or want Him when it was convenient for me. Jesus’ death was not a convenience—it was a tragic, heartfelt, and a intimate sacrifice made with each of us in mind. Either that is everything to us, or it is nothing at all.

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