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honeytonedhottie · 2 days

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CONFIDENCE⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🛍️

i've reached a point where my confidence genuinely cannot be shaken by anything, like all the shadow work and everything is rly paying off and having confidence makes everything in life so much better so i wanna talk about it 🍭

GAINING CONFIDENCE = GAINING SELF LOVE ;

to begin with, confidence is not gained over night and its something thats built and honed with time. so be patient with yourself! confidence always stems from self love.

self love is the most important thing ever. no matter what u have to know that ur gonna love yourself thru THICK and THIN. ur the only one with u 24/7.

make ur mind a palace, treat ur body like a temple, give urself the tender love and care that u DESERVE 🧁💕

GET COMFY IN UR OWN SKIN ;

i feel like the most confident people are dancers. i feel this way cuz of the way my own confidence SKYROCKETED after i started dancing. i feel like dancing gives u a sense of control over ur own body and its just amazing.

whenever i feel like i need a little boost of confidence or i wanna feel sexy and good in my own skin i DANCE. and i promise that it helps so so much. i dance around in my room all the time and it’s like therapy.

embarrassment does NOT exist, stop making urself feel awkward or embarrassed for making mistakes sometimes, learn to laugh and not take everything so seriously.

MENTAL DIET ;

honestly in my experience, manifesting has played a huge role in my self confidence and my self concept. honestly, self concept work goes hand in hand with self confidence work.

keeping a strict mental diet has made my self concept untouchable so definitely get into that. so SAY UR AFFIRMATIONS, dont EVER bully yourself etc.

SAY NO ;

something about a confident person, they can ADVOCATE for themselves and they know how to say no/im not comfortable with _. practice saying no more and being in control of ur time.

some words that u can add to ur vocabulary to be more confident and advocate for urself properly is "absolutely not" or simply NO. theres so much power in the word NO so make sure to use it more.

THE MUSIC ;

the music that u listen to on a regular day to day basis rly have an impact on ur mind for either better or for worse depending on what ur listening to.

steer clear of music that talks about things like self loathing or self hate and instead go for songs that uplift you. a lot of the time when ppl bring up the relationship between the songs u listen to and ur mindset a misconception that ppl have is that like, u can’t listen to emotional or sad songs and that’s NOT TRUE. u can listen to sad songs and still be a confident, bad bitch.

HONEYS HOT TIPS ;

probably TMI but something that rly helps confidence is when u match ur bras to ur panties (IDEK WHAT IT IS) like the confidence boost is insane. when u look good -> you feel good.

again, embarrassment does NOT exist

no one is above you and no one is beneath you

surround urself with other confident individuals so that they can uplift u and u all can LEARN from each other, cuz the people u surround urself with matters.

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sophieinwonderland · 3 days

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am i the only one confused on why theres a hard line between traumagenic and endogenic? why do we see plurality as either fully caused by trauma or not? i know traumaendo exists but idk i feel like there is a spectrum! (not talking about disordered vs not disordered)

Totally! And I mean, mixed origin has always been a thing, which I'm pretty sure predates traumaendo. 🤷‍♀️

But yeah, I do think think these labels can be more complicated than a simple dichotomy a lot of the time. Especially when it's comes to things like "traumagenic tulpas," where people will intentionally create tulpas after a traumatic event to help cope.

I feel like anti-endos are a big part of the problem, since there's a tendency for them to just lump any system that doesn't identify as exclusively traumagenic as "endos," thus preserving the false dichotomy.

If you don't mind me going on a bit of a side tangent, here's a sorta-related hot take to this spectrum that I've been thinking about a lot lately: Endogenic and non-traumagenic, despite being often used as synonyms, don't really mean the same thing. An endogenic system is caused by a reason other than trauma. A non-traumagenic system isn't caused by trauma. While these sound similar, you can't be traumagenic and not traumagenic at the same time. But you can be endogenic and traumagenic at the same time.

In practice, you can look at autigenic as an example since it's often lumped in as an "endogenic" term. While some will say they're autigenic because their special interests caused them to obsess with and spawn certain characters in their head, which could be non-traumagenic, another definition (perhaps the original) is that someone's system formed because their autism made them more vulnerable to trauma.

So while you could say that this form of autigenic is endogenic in the way that the plurality is caused by something other than trauma, it's NOT non-traumagenic.

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zeldurz · 8 months

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A rant about Bacta

For today's long and rambling meta, let’s talk about bacta, aka my least favourite part of Star Wars. The magical space healing goo that solves all your problems for some reason, with no considerations for anything that makes any amount of sense.

Once again, going to preface this with “I am not a medical professional and am by no means an expert in this field”

More happening below the cut:

To start, I will say that from a meta perspective, I understand why bacta is the way it is. We see it first in Episode V, where Luke is being treated for hypothermia and Wampa-related injuries - and I will give the GFFA that one. We often treat hypothermia with Luke-warm (haha) baths to raise the patient’s body temperature back to what it should be, and I could absolutely see a regulated, temperature controlled immersion tank being used for situations like this. I will even give them the “it’s a sterile solution that has antibiotic properties and promotes healing” thing, like it’s a giant vat of space polysporin or something. HOWEVER, it’s everything that came after that that I have an issue with.

You see, dear reader, the next thing that happened after the movies we all know and love was a tabletop RPG - the foundation of which all legends content is built upon. And in a tabletop RPG (like dungeons and dragons, for those who aren’t familiar), you need a system for tracking health (IE hit points, hearts, etc) and a way to quickly restore your character back to “full health”. Since Star Wars doesn’t have clerics or health potions, you get the magical healing goo that solves all your problems instead. And because you need this resource to be limited in order to give the game an element of risk, you make bacta expensive and sometimes challenging to get ahold of, but it has the power to fix any and all problems.

Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that in video games or DND I can drink a potion and suddenly my arm isn’t broken and I am no longer on fire, but Star Wars at its core is not an RPG (I do also, for the record, feel this way about healing spells and similar abilities in fantasy settings, but that’s for another time). I also want to make clear that I, an angst gremlin who thrives on fake science and making characters suffer, am not the average audience for this type of thing, and that narratively, action adventures like Star Wars would suffer tremendously with long, drawn out recovery times. With that being said, the gap between ‘I’m skipping over this because it doesn’t have a place in my story’ and ‘I throw the character in the goo (or have them ingest the goo?? Or inject it?????) and everything is fine now” is substantial, and I for one am really not a fan.

“But Zeds!” you cry, “what about suspension of disbelief? Star Wars has impossible laser swords and impossible galactic travel and-”

I know. And obviously bacta isn’t a make or break it thing for me, because my one and only brain cell is devoted at all times to my poor little meow meows who have committed so many war crimes - but the thing about suspension of disbelief for me personally is it has to be logically consistent within the universe, and for me, bacta makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

(if you are bothered by potential injury/medical stuff and non-graphic discussion of bodily fluids, this is probably where you should get off this train of thought)

I have a lot of issues with bacta, but I can lump them into two broad categories: mechanism of action (ie the biology) and the Bacta Economy (ie the wider implications for healthcare and best practices).

Mechanism of Action:

To quote Wookieepedia

Promoting rapid regeneration of organic compounds, bacta could be used in a variety of both critical and noncritical medical situations. Described as being warm to the touch, the bacta liquid could aid in the healing of concussions, internal organs, and broken ribs. Furthermore, it could be placed in small dishes to help regrow fingernails, mend cuts, burns, and other injuries. Due to its "one-size fits all" use in medical applications, it was a highly prized and commonly used medical treatment for most, if not all, injuries. Bacta could also knit together broken bones

Bacta can fix everything, apparently, with the legends page going so far as to state that “it's replaced most conventional medicine.” I am not a medical professional, but the idea that one single substance could fix every ailment ever in every species is ridiculous considering that a) we can’t even treat the same condition in different people with one substance (as anyone who has been on antidepressants can tell you), let alone conditions with widely different symptoms and presentations. I could maybe see if it was some sort of stem cell activator or something like that, but even then it seems far-reaching to assume that things like broken bones or concussions could be healed by the same substance. The fact that bacta is primarily applied topically (ie to the skin either as a gel or in a tank), but can also be administered orally or by injection only makes things weirder. Does it absorb into the bloodstream through the skin? How does it reach the injured organ in order to “promote healing?” Is it entirely unaffected by stomach acid???

Which, speaking of concussions, does that mean bacta can cross the blood-brain barrier? You’re telling me that there is one goo that is perfectly matched to every being in the whole fucking galaxy (considering how many different blood types humans have and how much care has to go into matching organs or stem cells for transplant in humans, I find it a stretch to believe that one size fits all for every human, let alone other alien species), and it can fix bones and nerves and everything else? Without side effects?????? What about longer term treatments? Are we not worried about muscle loss? Nutrition? Dehydration???

Not to mention the implication that it can fix broken bones without setting them - the whole thing reeks of hand-wavey space magic, which would be fine if it wasn’t explained in universe as ‘miracle bacteria fix things and we will not be elaborating further’. This is especially problematic since Legends mentions some people have a bacta allergy (which would leave them functionally without healthcare) and because having only one substance that fixes everything from a paper cut to life-threatening injuries is a huge risk to your civilization (from possible contaminants/shortages) as well as doing a disservice to every individual. Between the implications that there are relatively few other drugs (maybe this is why everyone seems to be awake for surgery all the time and no one uses any painkillers? Because they need the bacta for something else????) and the fact that no one is going to waste their precious goo on your headache, healthcare must really suck in a “we only have the goo” galaxy (even moreso than it already does).

The Bacta economy and the wider implications for healthcare in the GFFA:

Canonically, bacta is extremely valuable and nearly impossible to synthesize. In fact, I seem to recall a scene in one of the legends books where Luke has recovered from an injury, and after being treated in a bacta tank, the practitioner is siphoning the excess bacta out of his ears so it can be reused.

In real life, we are very careful to handle bodily fluids with care to avoid accidental exposure to certain diseases - but you’re telling me that you can just soak someone in some goo for days (or weeks!) at a time while they have open wounds, and then pull them out and drop in the next patient? Is there no concern for bloodborne disease or infection at all?

One of the things I do use bacta for in my fics is recovery after surgery - the antibacterial properties, plus the analgesics and everything else make it a reasonable choice for standard post-op procedure - but the idea of having a patient come out of a sterile operating room and into the goo tank that might have held someone with gangrene a few hours ago is a recipe for disaster imo

And speaking of contamination - how are we deciding which bacta is injected/administered orally and which is topical? Are we injecting people with goo that other people have been sitting in (again, for days or possibly weeks???) Or is only “fresh” bacta used for that purpose? Maybe it’s a class thing, and the rich can afford fresh but the poor have to make do with stuff that’s already had someone in it for a month idk, the whole thing just feels really really grody and like a good way to ensure your entire population is HIV+

And on that note - if every injury and medical condition is treated with one limited, expensive resource, how are hospitals allocating it? If you have broken ribs, for example, would you be evicted from the bacta tank if there was someone who was in a speeder crash whose life is in danger? What about a premature infant? Even if we are assuming that the GFFA operates under capitalist hellscape rules and each patient has to pay for their own bacta treatment, the fact that there’s only one resource to treat every condition must make for an absolute nightmare of triage (I imagine this is only compounded on ships, where the resources are even more limited to stocks on board, and a disaster like an explosion in an engine room could result in massive casualties if the only option for anything is “treat with bacta”)

All of which is to say - bacta works great as a plot device, but as soon as you start looking at it even a little bit, none of it makes any sense at all.

For me personally, I mainly include the use of a tank for post-operative patients - particularly after a major surgery - along with treatment of hypothermia or other conditions with poor circulation or temperature regulation. I also use a gel for wound dressings, but I rarely would have a character receive it orally or by injection. I think it is a useful thing for doctors to have, but I refuse to believe that the entire Galaxy’s healthcare revolves around one substance (no matter how great), and especially that the Galaxy’s physicians have been replaced by it.

#stuff i wrote #star wars meta #i know theres some people i've talked about this with #and if you have your own thoughts id love to hear em

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fleshdyke · 2 months

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#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

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presiding · 6 months

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just saw that there's a monster in the hull update and realized i'd missed three of those........this + the audio are such treats giggling and kicking my feet about it fr. going to leave a comment on the fic itself but in the meantime needed to drop a letter on here to say i love the way you write billie--her loneliness, her thoughtfulness, distrust of yet attraction to emily and everything she represents........not to mention the way she's haunted by daud, the longing for a life she can't fathom and will never have !!! society if everyone gave billie the complexity she deserves. and your banter and prose are stunning as always lord everything abt this fic is so good. bringing wine to you on the deck to drink together about it in spirit and yes pun intended

🙏😭 thank you so so much I don't know what to say! that's amazingly kind of you ♥ its a genuine pleasure to like. double down on themes and nuance and less popular characters and just like. idk. trustfall into the fandom that there's people with taste like you, and you can invite them onto your metaphorical deck for wine and meaningful looks 🍷♥♥♥

re: billie - no one else in the dh universe comes close to whatever she has going on

hiding my thoughts about writing dh2 billie >

there's so much material to her!

i thought i'd never write for dishonored 2 (not derogatory - its my favourite game). its undoubtedly linear & doesn't have the mystery or grit of dh1 IMO.

but i saw lapin post that billie & emily comic, and i saw a few other people i respect mention billie/emily and it had me rotating them until the abjection/emily-monster thing clicked and then it was downhill from there

but there's more to think about - what billie has been doing with herself, how she feels about daud & the whalers at this point in her life, her relationship with sokolov (god.a separate rant), her history in karnaca & dunwall, emily's place in the empire and how that fits into billie's story, her lifelong revenge arc, and comparisons between jessamine & deirdre.

like. when you consider billie's perspective you realise how fucking badass she is for going back to dunwall. she not only did it scared she did it scared for her life. suicidal level flimsy disguise trapped in a tin can with your enemy. etc

PLEASE tell me if you ever decide to post that daud & billie fic you mentioned a while back :O

#asks #corpseprince my beloved <333 #thinkin bout your one-day fic. daud and billie are SO difficult to write #not simply father daughter but like. the suicide pact vibes they have and the all consuming nature of dauds bonds #and there's a strong running tension between them #not to mention neither being the type for feelings #the more 'dishonored fandom friendly' fics im working on i've deprioritised recently #yuri on the way <3 there was a deficit anyway!#mostly excited for brigmore smut #if i may bitch on your lovely post (sorry). if you cbf with that stop reading here #idk. it keeps happening #so i post a chapter. maybe get 2 kudos that week #which is nice and i smile every time im stoked to see readers around #but then one or two days later some unpleasant fucko on tumblr has taken one of the ideas i put in the new chapter of my fic #and turned that into a low quality textpost like it was their idea. it gets a heap of notes #and its always a *highly specific* idea after i posted it. and i know what the fandom is talking about broadly so it sticks out #i dont mind at all when its like mutuals or people who have commented or talked to me then its more like 🤝#like. someone who doesnt appear to have ever interacted with me or the fic #im not trying to flatter myself by saying theres no chance its a coincidence. but its offputting as hell #backhanded signal of success? bestie thats my meta post but you made it worse <3 #so my focus rn is niche-r stuff for smart cool people with taste #THE RAMBLING. *tops up your wineglass if you made it this far*

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fuckyeahyukiharu · 5 months

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yOU ALL IM LAUGHING SO HARD

The archive is still there too, and all those fans who created works in the past still deserve some attention too, so please check out the archive if you haven't in a while and if you're also missing Tsuritama!!

Also, if you're interested, please check out my YukiHaru A.M.V \o/ (Made a few years back for YukiHarus shared birthdays specifically!)

{All I did was reblog some old gifs I missed to keep blog active, but I'm glad if people still appreciate this blog existing!!!}

(I may also have another A.M.V. or two planned for future years, if I can finish them in decent time!)

#fyeahyukiharu posts #fyeahyukiharu personal #fyeahyukiharu update #fyeahyukiharu blog #fyeahyukiharu tags #yukiharu fandom #(I was really surprised to see even a few people might be around because when I posted the A.M.V. things seemed really slow!!)#(Yes I'm still alive!!)#(THANKFULLY)#(I've also somehow avoided catching Covid this long but man Id be happy if I never caught it ever {Disabled})#({since years before I even made this blog but right around when I was making it also the hyperthyroidism I never talked about})#(Lets Just Say Last 10+ Years or So Had Experiences)#(If theres still fan base interest around I'll see if I can drop an image set later on or two again)#(Most of my fav scenes have been posted already I think but theres a small handful of ones people missed posting in full!)#(Like the scene I posted before even if it wasnt specifically YukiHaru {but YukiHaru relevant when it came to Sanadas + plot})#(I also used to rp Haru for about two years back around 2k14 and super miss that too)#(So I do definitely still get nostalgic for it but if people were wondering about me I just want everyone to know I'm ok + still around!!)#(I think I did miss some art posts in recent years so I'll see what I can still find at some point and queue those too!)

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iscariotapologist · 2 years

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thinking about how atrocious it is that so many people are taught to dwell on how god loves them Despite Their Sins. you must see love through the lens of self hatred, you have to believe you are evil before you are loved. the foundation of your perception of god and yourself is that you are inherently bad and deserve nothing good. figuring out how to deinternalize this is probably the hardest thing ever

#'love your neighbor as yourself' but you had better fucking hate yourself!#ps have you considered today how you are evil beyond your control and the reason god is so good is because he has the mercy to not smite #you for being born as an evil wretched human being #sorry i know theres more nuance for some people etc but i have been in therapy for so long. good fucking lord #and the words evangelicals will string together to try to justify this or make it seem less awful are insane #im sure i've talked about this before but im literally just sitting here. raising my blood pressure about it #anyway this is an anti original sin blog #me

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ohgirlieplease · 7 months

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How do people make friends howwww for the love of god

#been going to the cinema a lot lately and everyone always comes in pair or groups im always alone!!!#why isnt anyone else i know into movies #or literally anything else i like #thinking about these two times my music teacher asked the whole class what kind of music they listen to #two separate class more than 20 people each. in both I was the only one who said rock music. the only one.#rock is not some fucking underground unpopular genre how was i the only one #these arent some nieche interests so how come i never come across these people in a situation where i could befriend them #im so fucking sad i genuinely feel like crying #i talk to my classmates and we get along well and i enjoy their company but theres no one i could become actual friends with #I feel like I've done better this last month i talk to people more im less anxious i even make people laugh but still #am i so unloveable or so picky with others that i can never make a true friend?#this is big cringe sorry for sharing 👍

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mattynmarns · 2 years

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hey so

#ive taken some time to reflect on everything and I'm still going to be dream posting #less than usual but i think im going to be posting everything less than usual #ive talked with trusted irl people and ive reflected on people/celebrities that i continue to support who have done the same or worse thing #and ive come to the conclusion that based on what we've seen of dream's character and what his irl friends say of his character #that a) theres no way he'd do something like this again and b) we've actually seen no real proof of anything #but yeah im trying to step back from sm in general #because ive realized the conclusions i made prev about this situation wouldn't be what I would've made without the influence of The Dash #i need to remember that theres a life outside of tumblr so I'm stepping back from it #not stepping away but ill stay logged out and i already don't have the app #so now ill only check it occasionally like once a day maybe rather than have it be my social crutch #personally i cant condemn someone without any evidence and there wasn't anything i found unforgivable or criminal about the SHOWN messages #however if other evidence comes out ill stand back and reevaluate #but yeah if you want to unfollow block or whatever i understand #ill still be posting dream but he's going to be tagged #but i think this situation has been drawn out of proportion for all we know right now (ex. the words that have been used)#and i think ultimately dream has done more proven good than proven harm and that's a factor for me personally #and i also want to add that the anti-men posting that I've seen lately fucking sucks. like that's terf rhetoric #and as a trans man i dont think that's very epic 🥴#and i want to add that if you are choosing not to support him that that's cool with me like i honestly dgaf #butttttt i come here to relax from my real adult life that already stresses me out #so im only going to follow people that don't stress me out #so yeah #just wanted to update yall on where i stand #im finally becoming a normie 😔😭#tumblr has been an addiction so im finally cutting myself off o7

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crescentmp3 · 1 year

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;

#hmm i may be disabled <- this is the nth time hes come to that conclusion #oh SURE of COURSE it could be just the aches from ''growing up'' as my parents say #but i dont think randomly starting to limp everywhere every now and then or getting random headaches is .#normal . to teenagehood #like mom 💕💕💕 dad 💖💖💖 maybe theres something Wrong #but noo . doctors are all Satanists who believe in Capitalism and will Poison you for Money #All of them . btw #( excluding the ones that are my dads friends but we dont talk about those . obviously !! )#anyhow . perhaps i am Not Ablebodied . you know #god this one time we went to fatih/istanbul ( specified so you guys can look it up ) for some fun right #we walked for ...... so long #no not even THAT long . ten to twenty minutes maybe #that i was limping and heaving when i took breaths #and i couldnt stand up on my own #my parents reaction ? Oh its fine stop being a baby #... i Might in fact need a doctor to check that out some time .#i've told many people about this before and all of their reactions was ''have you seen a doctor?''#babygirl i went to the hospital in my life Once .#and no it was not for this .#♚ — vent !#i guess ?

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readymades2002 · 2 years

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i wish i had a way to talk through things with another person but the only people i see in real life i live with and every time i have actually opened up about how i’m feeling it has gone incredibly badly, in part because i’ve isolated myself so far from human beings that i don’t think i’m able to feel or express things in a human way. so i’ve stopped trying to do it.

#i've discussed my art with my mom more recently but in the vaguest terms because i'm always ashamed of how shit it is #and that it is of course usually some embarrassing media thing and she tries to show interest but i can't be honest about it #when i get passionate about things...when i've done it before i look up at the other person while im talking #and i can see them slipping out of my reach and its like being untethered in space so i dont anymore #that or i actually communicate my needs or what is hurting me honestly and then have it used against me or someone else #i talk to people but it is all this like. meaningless chatter that makes me grit my teeth how much its just a courtesy #i cannot relate to human beings with jobs and lives and experiences and friends and skills and so i'm alone here #and i end up crying on here every few hours because disconnecting would be a death sentence but keeping it all inside of me #would fucking kill me and it just. im not reliable enough or warm enough or brave enough to even message people one on one #in a way that means im a meaningful part of anyone's life so its just. yelling in the post editor i go and pretend it helps #i dont want to word it but it is really really deeply terrifying to me how bad its gotten. i really can't imagine a way out of this #i don't think anyone i live with does it maliciously but it feels like i'm being handled like an irritating animal all the time #not like a person. not like an adult.#i dont know. i feel like i have interesting insights into the world and the things i like. i feel like theres so much beauty #i want to show other people to try and express my love because i can't do it in words or gestures #and i feel like it could be so beautiful if i was just understood. if i could just be #i have to stop talking about this now im sorry

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piplupod · 26 days

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so frustrated tonight bc i want to participate in society, it is so lonely being unemployed and disabled, but even if i woke up tomorrow with the fatigue miraculously cured i still wouldnt rly be able to get a job unless i wanted to risk catching covid every single day. this is so fucked up. im so tired. i hate how my parents see me as lazy when I am fucking crying out of frustration and the unfairness of it all and how achingly lonely and isolated i am. I don't understand how they think im choosing to do this to myself, i am not living im simply existing. i can't even make the art i want to make because im so impossibly tired all the time !!!

i cleaned a chair today and im barely able to sit up tonight bc it exhausted me so much. but god forbid i ever say that im tired because then suddenly its a contest, or show that im tired because then im "pouting"(????), but also "I've never seen you tired, I would've noticed if you were tired all the time, you seem fine!"

#i genuinely WANT a job.#i want to have money. i want to have a life that i enjoy living. i want to be able to purchase things that make me happy #i want to eat food without getting scared about how much im eating bc i know its expensive so i have to be careful w it #i want to talk to people and have opportunities to make friends #i want to feel okay physically again #i want to feel like im contributing to the world in some way #i want to make people happy by being useful in an employment setting #i want to feel like im actually a part of the world #....i want to move out of this house. i want to not be scared all the time. i want to feel okay #but all of it is so far out of reach or impossible and i am tired and trapped #i want to be happy I really really do. I've been so miserable and scared lately #i miss being pleasant to be around #im just so frustrated with the way the cards have been dealt. im so jealous of my brother who keeps squandering away what I'd love to have #i dont even know what to discuss with the counselor at this point like... if she doesnt have a miracle then theres nothing for me #i want there to be a solution but there doesn't seem to be anything #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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saucy-mesothelioma · 6 months

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Sometimes I'll just be fuckin around on Tumblr and then I'll just remember that people follow me???? People consistently see what I post and reblog??? And sometimes they like it???

And then it hits me that I have fucking mutuals????? And ones that I see frequently in my notifications??? Don't get me wrong I appreciate it a lot, but also I want to just grab y'all by the shoulders and ask why???? Why my stupid shit??? I'm so confused who are you little people who live in my computer and just vibe with what I vibe with but also thank you? We have never talked once but it's like we always see each other when walking in the hall and just always nod as we pass.

You guys are really fuckin cool; thanks for just vibing with me.

#this realization just kinda hit me out of nowhere and I just wanted to say something about it #I get my thoughts are mainly incomprehensible but I don't really care at the moment #I wanted to mention it #I've been on Tumblr for a while now and not gonna lie I'm still kinda surprised by it #like it never ceases to surprise me but in like a good way #I have no idea who some of you are and only know your username #but idk theres just something really nice about seeing those people when they pop up in my notifications #also if literally any of you want to talk deadass just dm me I don't mind #you all seem really damn cool #meso's musings

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sukifoof-art · 3 months

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heres a silly little post pacifist au i've had for a Good While now which is why i tend to draw hyperdeath asriel and frisk being siblings a lot theres some Info under the cut if ur curious

OKAY SO BASICALLY i like to imagine that after leaving the underground flowey is able to come to terms with. Being Flowey and through therapy learns how to be more open and frisk and papyrus help him a lot through this. i think toriel already Knows hes flowey just cuz of the way he acts shes like "i dont know how. but that is my son boy." and one day he comes home from therapy and goes I Need To Tell You Something. I Am Asriel. and he braces for the way she reacted in the underground but this time around she just goes "im so glad you finally feel comfortable telling me" and they both cry it out

as flowey becomes more comfortable with being himself he starts to mess around with his face to prank frisk cuz he just NEEDS to be an annoying older brother and after he works out his various issues and can see himself more as he is an not there being a clear distinction between asriel and flowey in his brain (ive talked about this a lot i think he sees asriel as different from him cuz of trauma and therapy will help him kind of calm down and go "im still me im just different and older now and also traumatized but despite everything its still me") i think he would be able to make himself look like hyperdeath asriel as its what he feels most comfortable looking like

he still goes by flowey and he moves around like flowey but when hes just standing there he needs a cane both cuz i imagine it kinda hurts and he doesnt have good balance. i like to think that despite being a weird grumpy guy who sits at home all day cuz hes not ready to interact with lots of people yet hes actually a very good brother who cares a lot about frisk and the people around him <3 big brother flowey SO real btw ask to tag if needed

#undertale #utdr #flowey #flowey the flower #asriel #asriel dreemurr #frisk

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robin374 · 3 months

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ROBIN HIHIHIHI, THINK FAST

*throws u silly HCS ideas yet again aggressively*

SOOO I KINDA GOT ATTACHED TO OUR ASSHOLE OF AN ANGEL, ADAM SO I WAS THINKING:

Adam x Sweet angel reader

basically reader is the most sweet person u can encounter, like always complementing Adam, giving him hand made gifts and etc, and then theres Adam.

wanna know how this dynamic will go

luv ya

"ᏖᏂᏋᏒᏋ ᎩᎧᏬ ᏗᏒᏋ, ᏕᏬᎶᏗᏒ ᏖᎥᏖᏕ!"

Character: Adam x reader (Romantic)

Notes: I'M BACK, I've finally finished my exams YIPPIE

Summary: Reader is a sweetheart and Adam somehow falls in love with them.

I'm pretty sure that he's always trying to make you angry in some way. For example, he will be trying to annoy you all the time, and you will answer him with a sweet smile asking him if he's happy that day because he seems more enegertic.

We all know that he sometimes says really morally questionable things, so whenever you hear him say those things you will hit the back of his head and scold him.

At first he thought that your kind and sweet nature was a sign of weakness, because well, he's always around Lute and the Exorcist angels. However, when he saw you ruining someone's day with just a smile and two sarcastic but bold phrases, all those negative thoughts about you dissapeared. Now you have a supportive angel behind you everytime you argue with someone. And with supportive I mean that he's flipping the other angel off while saying "That's right, bitch!" or "You tell ém, sugar tits!"

Yeah, he's pretty obvious with his crush on you, and he's not ashamed. He told Lute about it, she was bit confused at first, like... She's sure that your blood is pure sugar, how could he fall in love with you? You're the total opposite. But, she was happy that Adam found someone after the events with Lillith and Eve...

He's a bit insecure of those events, I mean, he's afraid that Lucifer goes to heaven and steal you away from him. Then, he realizes that you don't even know about the exterminations. He won't tell you, and if you were at the council when Charlie tried to talk to Heaven's leaders. He will be very afraid that you turn against him, that you see him as a monster. Of course, you don't want to accpet that he's been killing souls, even if they are in Hell, they don't desever to die permanentely.

He tried to apologize telling you that those souls desever it, they were in hell for a reason, right? You told him that as long as he didn't kill any children or people who didn't really deseve it, you would let him go down to Hell. If not, you would tell Sera and even God about it and forbid him to go to Hell.

Before the extermination he wanted to talk to you in private. "I want to tell you something, sweetcheeks." You looked at him with a smile. "I... Sorry, you..." For the first time in centuries he was at a loss of words. So, he decided to kiss your lips. It was a bit aggressive at first, but when you softly put your hands in his cheeks his tensed up body loosened a bit. When you separated, you looked at golden eyes, which were looking at you softly. You caressed his cheek, you knew that Hell was going to fight back in that extermination, you knew that he was in danger. "Just don't die, please." You whispered. "I won't die, sugar. I'm Adam, the Adam, the original dick! They can't kill me." He said while hugging you. The, he put his helmet on and flew off to Hell. You gave Lute a gaze that asked her to protect him.

What you didn't expect was to see Lute without an arm. You rapidly rushed to her and started to treat her wounds. While you were stitching up her arm, she took something from a bag. It was a halo similar to Adam's. Suddenly you felt a knot in your throat, was he dead? The look that Lute gave you told you everything. "I tried... But... I'm so sorry..."

You took his halo and put it next to your heart. Tears were falling from your eyes, Lute didn't know what to do, should she comfort you? Should she walk away? Call someone? She just decided to stand behind you waiting for you to say something Now, you had mixed feeling about Hell, you were sure that souls could be redeemed and that extermination was wrong. But how could you fully believe them when they killed your lover?

#hazbin hotel adam x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #sorry I made this angsty :(#adam x reader #hazbin hotel adam

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ohdeerfully · 2 months

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hi! I have a request, I've never really done this before but I'll give it a shot. so my request is that Charlie is tasked by heaven to watch over a very special human soul via a device that is like a full 360 VR kind of setup and this soul just so happens to be Alastor's immortal wife (he didn't know she was) whom he thought had died with him during a bad event and wound up in heaven but she didn't and She stayed the same since the 1930s like her looks stayed the same and her love for Alastor stayed too she never once tried to move on even when her new friends in this time tried to get her a guy but she just refused still wearing the wedding ring her gave her

I hope it's not too much to ask it can be changed to whatever you see if you have full creative control over it!

thank you for your brain anon

theres a couple awkward POV shifts in the story and im super duper sorry about that D: im not good at those

An Eternity

alastor x reader (angst) TW: reader is female, reader gets a lil drunk and drives but shes fine(i do not condone this pls dont drink and drive im so serious), yearning goes ouchie ):

join my discord!

◈ ══════════ ◈ ══════════ ◈ ══════════ ◈

Alastor rarely, if ever, talked about his time alive. He saw it pointless; a waste of time and energy. How could it benefit him if somebody else knew his history? If anything, it would only open up weak points. And, being an Overlord, he couldn’t afford that.

The only hint of his past was a band on his finger that he never took off. Even after decades in Hell, nobody saw him without it.

People often asked, of course, because how in the Hell did the Radio Demon get hitched? Even in life, he was probably just as unusual and off putting. These questions were always met with a dismissive wave and a laugh, but anybody who knew him—which wasn’t many, truly—would recognize the strain in his voice as he brushed them off. Whatever the story was seemed to only grow more painful with time.

He was deep in thought, humming absently as he trailed through the hotel. He ended up meandering by Charlie’s room, which was cracked open. He took this as an invitation to let himself in, cheerfully grinning as he saw the girl sitting on the edge of her bed looking extremely confused.

“Hello, dear!” He announced himself, standing up straight and fixing his bowtie with one hand. “What does this afternoon have in store for the Princess of Hell?”

“Heyy, Al,” Charlie responded, still frowning at the contraption in her hand. It was a rather bulky thing; an unappealing piece of new technology, Alastor decided. Still, he loomed from behind Charlie with a curious bend in his neck. Her shoulders were stiff, and he couldn’t tell if it was from frustration with the thing in her hand or discomfort at him watching her.

“What is that peculiar thing?” He finally asked, since Charlie made no attempt at explanation. She seemed too focused to really pay him any mind.

“Something Heaven gave me to watch some curious soul they can’t control,” She murmured, fiddling with a couple buttons and knobs. “They’ve got me doing some ridiculous things. I mean, some human soul shouldn’t even concern me. But, they promise these favors will help with my hotel.”

Alastor hummed in response. He of all demons would recognize a manipulation tactic when he saw one—convincing a powerful demon princess to do your chores and promising to help her desperate project in return seemed like something the angels would do. He didn’t care one way or another, as long as Charlie’s naivete didn’t get in the way of his own goals.

He took a few steps back when Charlie stood, seemingly finished with setting up the box. He grinned, amused, when she pulled it over her head. It wasn’t the most flattering thing, and pretty bulky on her face. She looked ridiculous, honestly.

“Modern technology,” He sighed dramatically, leaning down onto his cane as he continued to observe her. “Only getting uglier.”

Charlie didn’t respond to his comment, looking around at what Alastor saw as nothing. She played around with the settings again, and adjusted the straps on her head again, before looking around again. She let out a successful sounding “hell yes” before pulling a remote of sorts from her pocket. She pushed on a joystick.

“What are you doing?” Alastor asked plainly, the building curiosity finally becoming too much. “Why do you have a box on your head?”

“It’s like…” She began to explain, trying to think of how to make sense of it to him. “Like… imagine you were looking through the eyes of somebody else, but still standing in the same spot..?” Her voice tilted at the end, unsure of her explanation.

Yeah, no, Alastor had no clue. But he dismissed it as unnecessary, as he often did with any technology he couldn’t understand.

“I’m seeing… Earth, I guess,” Charlie explained more. “Following around this girl.”

Alastor was only partially listening, humming quietly to himself as he just observed. He wondered if he should just leave—nothing interesting was happening. He was curious to see what antics Heaven was pushing on the Princess of Hell, though.

“Wanna try?” Charlie offered, lifting the headset up away from her eyes. Alastor immediately scrunched his nose up and narrowed his eyes.

“And look as ridiculous as you? Hah! No thank you,” He sat down on a chair near the wall, leaning against the back of it. He threw one leg up over the other. Charlie shrugged in response, and pulled the contraption back down.

Alastor sat for a while, absently thinking about what he wanted to do later as he waited for something to happen.

“Oh! Hold on,” Charlie suddenly said, causing Alastor’s ears to straighten to attention as she reached up and pressed a button. A holographic projection appeared out of nowhere, manifesting through some strange magic. “Forgot I could do that. This is what I’m seeing in here.”

Alastor stood and walked closer, leaning forward on his cane as he studied the projection. It seemed like some kind of bar. He mused at how different modern bars looked from the speakeasies he would frequent during his own life.

“What heavenly task are you doing in a bar?” He joked, trying to find something interesting in the projection. It just seemed like generic bar business. Loud, flirtatious women and boisterous, over confident men. That, at least, was the same from his day.

“Like I said earlier,” Charlie explained, looking around the room. The projection seemed to follow her movement, and Alastor recognized that he was basically seeing through her eyes. How curious. “There’s some… soul they lost control of. And they want me to report to them about her.”

Alastor was very curious to see what kind of soul broke from control of literal heaven. He watched rather intently, leaned forward against his cane to watch the projection.

Charlie turned another knob, and the sound of tacky pop music and loud chatter began to emanate from the bar scene. Alastor wasn’t a fan of newer music, but he was often forced to listen anyway in the hotel lobby.

“Is it possible to turn down that dreadful noise?” He complained to her, announcing his dissatisfaction.

“No. I need to be able to hear what the woman is saying,” Charlie answered stubbornly. Alastor’s microphone of a cane began to obnoxiously play a song of his choice for a moment in retaliation, but died down after a few moments. After all, Charlie ignored his attempt at aggravation, so there was no point in keeping it up.

Charlie looked around the bar, searching. Finally, her gaze settled on a fancier booth with half drawn curtains. From her angle, she could only see a woman. She looked frustrated.

“---get out of your shell! It’s about time you start talking to some guys for once,” Charlie caught the tail end of the woman’s statement. She was gesturing wildly around, exasperation evident in the jagged movements. “I’m sick of watching you pine for somebody who’s been gone for ages.”

★

“Ten years isn’t ages, Mechiele,” You drew your finger against the table, making shapes with the rim of water that the condensation from your glass left. Nearly a hundred years, more like, You commented to yourself. You never told anybody that you were an immortal being. Nobody believed you when you did, anyway.

You sat your cheek against the palm of your hand and lifted your gaze to your friend, who looked at you with a sharp frown. You shot her a weak smile.

“Can you just drop it?” You asked, nearly pleading. You didn’t want to cry tonight, being a little tipsy—you were an emotional drunk. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself blabbering about a dead husband.

“Come on,” Mechiele said impatiently, pushing your pleas aside. “There’s so many hot guys in here, I bet one would just love to take a piece of work like you home and-”

“Mechiele.” You hoped your tone was enough to shut her up.

You should’ve known better, honestly. Mechiele was already abrasive when she was sober, but with the amount of drinks she’s had tonight…

“No, no, no! You bum! Get your ass up right now and get out there! And take that ring off while you’re at it!”

Mechiele quickly lunged at you, a much too playful look in her eye considering how pissed you were right now. You yanked your arm away from her grasp, cupping your hand protectively with the other, shielding the golden band on your finger from her.

“Fucking drop it!” You snapped at her, standing from your seat. “I’m going home. You’re too drunk. I’ll drive.”

“You’re so fucking lame,” Mechiele droned, falling back into her seat. She wouldn’t budge when you urged her to stand and come with you. “He’s fuckin’ dead! Get a new man, already! Alastor’s not-”

Mechiele stopped abruptly when you smacked her. It wasn’t an incredibly hard smack or anything, barely enough to leave a red bloom on her cheek, but it was enough. She looked at you through narrowed eyes. You returned the same expression.

You left the booth and stormed off, cursing under your breath about it all. About Mechiele, about this stupid bar, about the tipsy feeling in your head, about Alastor—

You folded your arms together as you briskly walked to your car, yelling in frustration at your heels and ripping them off your feet. The ground was a little wet and cold, but you didn’t care. After making it to your car, you threw yourself in an switched it on.

You thought for a few moments. You were lightheaded after a few drinks, but you really didn’t want to wait for a taxi. You’d probably be fine, yeah? Sure. Against your better judgment, you began to drive.

It was a long drive, but it gave you some time to think.

You missed him. You pined for him. Nearly every night was agony, missing the presence of the only man you’ve ever fallen in love with.

You cursed whatever higher power there was for making you this way—immortal. How cruel it was, to make you live forever to suffer this longing. You didn’t even notice when you ended up in your room, but you let yourself fall face first onto your bed, curling up into a ball.

Even more, you cursed yourself for ever falling in love. You should’ve known it would only lead to an endless torture of heartbreak. You would never love anybody the same; although, you don’t think you’d want to, even if you could.

You were born to suffer. To spend an eternity in life without him.

★

Charlie continued to watch in shock for a few moments, her mouth dropped at the mention of the Radio Demon’s name. The previously hidden woman stepped from the bar, a furious look in her eyes as she stormed away. Mechiele was left with stubbornly folded arms and an empty glass of alcohol.

“Heyyy, uh, Al, how common is your name..? Do you know…” Charlie asked a bit awkwardly. She got no response. She lifted the headset, and realized he was gone. Even still, there seemed to be a lingering feeling of intense static, and the air somehow felt a bit heavier than before.

★

This had to be some cruel, sick joke, right? Heaven had to be toying with him, finally finding a way to torture his soul. His wife—she was dead. It had been nearly a hundred years since he died, and even if she had lived till she was old—

Alastor was pacing his room, ears pinned and eyes wide in frantic thought. Oh, how he yearned for her. He had managed for so long to push the memory of her away, to lock up his loss in a tight cage as he climbed the ranks of hell; it had all come rushing, barreling, torrenting back when he had seen her—or, no, somebody that looked like her—step out of those curtains. It was only a coincidence that that woman looked like his wife, and only a coincidence that she had a dead husband that shared his name.

His wife was in heaven, no doubt; which was where she belonged, of course, but Alastor had spent the last decade pining for somebody who he could never see again. If given the choice, Alastor wasn’t so sure himself if he was kind enough as to not tear her soul from Heaven and down to Hell by his side. Alternatively, even if Charlie’s idea of redemption were to work, Alastor was truly irredeemable. It was all wistful thinking, anyway.

Alastor’s claws dug into the curtains of his window, staring out into the streets of Hell in an attempt to concentrate on one steady stream of thought.

When billions of people touch the Earth, it’s only natural that coincidences like this rise. Right? He tried desperately to convince himself of different possibilities. It just made no sense.

A knocking at his door made Alastor’s grin curl in deadly malice. He really wasn’t in the mood.

He paced to his door, opened it just enough to fit his body in the frame, and glared down at Charlie. She was wringing her hands together nervously, and only seemed to grow more timid as the heavy, almost palpable ambience of his radio static filled the hallway she stood in.

“I’m busy,” Alastor said bluntly. His lips were curled in a sneer.

“I can tell,” Charlie responded. "I know you don't like talking about yourself-" She began to ramble on about him talking to her about his feelings and whatnot, but Alastor didn’t listen as he shut the door again.

Though, the interruption did give his mind a chance to slow. He sat on a chair in the corner of his room, and opted to fiddle with the radio on the drawer next to him. He tuned it—or, more just magically infused it—to play some jazz to try to keep his head level.

It would take some time to rebuild the dam that held back the memories of his wife. Even just the mere thought of her made him feel weak, and he hated it. The only soul he was capable of falling in love with—gone, forever.

Alastor never took the whole “eternity of damnation” thing seriously, considering the power he held and how comfortable he really was in Hell. However, when he remembered her—

Hell truly was torture. And he was cursed to spend his eternity in death without her.

#ohdeerfully #hazbin hotel #alastor x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor x reader angst #angst #mutual pining OM NOM NOM NOM #i love angst im sorry guys

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