#i know im repeating myself in alot of points

[ganondoodle]

as i was awake in the middle of the night for like 2 hours bc i felt sick i had more somewhat random totk thoughts

one being that i really hate how raurus response to concerned zelda is, after sonia died in that almost funny how little impactful it was way, "im sure you are here for a reason" (actually, i hate how often this sentence is used in general to .. idk i guess its supposed to be inspiritational???)

bc what does that mean actually? him saying that to someone who got there absolutely by accident really just sounds like "i dont care go figure it out yourself bc i dont want to think about anything concerning you or your troubles lol" i guess its meant to sound like OOOOH fate has BROUGHT you here bc you have to furfill a role you dont know yet (spoiler its being a sacrifice girl with no personality) and besides me hating the 'inescapable fate' trope in general (at least the way its usually done in these games, which is not to struggle against it but willingly accept whatever you are told and pretend thats good) its really jsut goddamn boring and is really only an excuse to well .. ignore her and her trouble; shouldnt you, if you were actually such a cool guy like the game wants me to believe so bad, do everything in your power to get zelda back to her own world before shes pulled even further into the war you caused now that her only ""mentor"" that could help her get more use of her pretty much useless sudden powers is gone too?? i know shes basically dead wife sonia replacement (can of worms ugh) but it still grinds my gears whenever i think of that cutscene, bc i cant help but hear it as the lamest excuse in existence to not care about her and just kinda .. see what happens which in this case means leave zelda completely on her her own since both rauru and mineru die as well (honestly shouldnt rauru have thought about like .. any plan to defeat gan besides dying himself, given hes the oh so cool and goodest guy king whos only mistake was not stabbing gan the second he stepped into their kathedral castle thing, like even if you had a plan it can still fail but it seemed like he just kinda went in with a handful of people that didnt seem to know each other at all, never got names or faces -or unique voices for that matter- to fight gan face to face inlcuding the girl that came from a different time and had nothing to do with any of this conflict and couldnt even really control her sudden new powers just seems pretty stupid)

thought 2

how totk really feels like botw but for the people who didnt like shiekah tech, its not a sequel, its botw again, but version of only sonau, its like a pokemon game that had two versions but one has weirdly incoherent story and acts like the other never existed jsut as a whole its like retreading the same points but worse, all shiekah tech that was so integral to the world and had such a long history just vanishing and no one caring about any of it like it never happened, HELL the titans were called divine beasts in english but i guess they werent divine or important enough to keep around LOL champions WHO and isntead a never before seen or even heard of race for that matter showing up and planting their ass in every place the shiekah were before, dare i say it feels weirdly manipulative, like either them or some outside force erasing every fact about the ancient shiekah and replace them with sonau stuff bc they are the hot new shit now

this is a point that just doesnt stop bothering me, how the shiekah tech seemed so carefully designed and integrated into botws world and story, its a difficult to keep balance after all, integrating high tech stuff into a medieval setting, but they made it work! and then totk comes around and throws a bunch modern day tech into it puts some vague greenish stone filter on its exterior and call that even better more ancient tech; why did they even bother to make pottery inspired laser shooting spider legged robots so well integrated when they throw a car and rockets into the next game without a thought and call it a day, what was the fucking point

it feels like someone was dead set on having a set of legos thrown into the game it had no place in, if you want players to build whatever they want make a building game instead!! especially if you are just gonna throw it in with seemingly no consideration how out of place it feels togehter with the fACT THAT YOU ALREADY HAD AND ANCIENT HIGH TECH CIVILIZATION WITH A VERY DISTINCT AESTHETIC THAT WAS ALREADY WELL INTEGRATED INTO THE WORLD YOU ARE PLANNING TO REUSE WITH ALOT OF MYSTERY AND UNKOWN STUFF ABOUT THEM TO EXPLORE FURTHER YOU COULD HAVE USED!! but i guess they just "didnt want to play with you anymore" and that so much so that they went out of their way to erase every trace of it, i dont think the words shiekah tech are ever used in the game, and the purah pad and her towers just drive me more isnane bc they are the same shit but called different and also much worse, liek the purah pad isnt some more developed shiekah stone, no its a glorified camera with a teleport function and thats it

(i know i said this before but i really cant stand how obsessed every single NPC is with sonau shit, you get told to your face every second line of dialog that they are so cool and are so mysterious that it just makes me annoyed of them even more, the game is obsessed with shoving them everywhere and telling you over and over you too should obsess over them, they werent weird like that about the shiekah stuff in botw?? the biggesst talking point in botw was calamity ganon ..... which makes sense and in totk its like ... gan is mentioned what, in a newspaper article??? once???and then not even by name i think???)

aside from that big point which will never let me go, its also just .. its not moving forward anything, it actively walks BACK the progress that was made in botw, call me dumb but i dont really count moving one step up in the social roles of each race as a character development (for the side characters like the champions desc- ahem SAGES) but mainly zelda ... god how dirty she was done, totk pretty explicitely makes her regress any development she made in botw aside from she likes link uwu and some people like her too, but also not enough to notice that that weird zelda being all evil and weird isnt her (INLCUDING THE CHAMP- SAGES WHO YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY FRIENDS WITH??? you dont have to be a genius to pick up on that my god, were you all given the mc dumbo potion or what)

she gets put back to square one, back into the little itty bitty princessy maiden role forced upon her by her royal parentage, this time rauru edition, back into a white little dress, back into the scared puppy eyed teenager, back into a situation she cant handle, back into losing everyone around her (tho honestly botw made me care more about rhoam than totk did about rauru), back into being forced to do a big sacrifice- but worse actually

in botw she went to FIGHT AND HOLD GANON IN THE CASTLE SO LINK HAD TIME TO RECOVER AND IT WOULDNT DESTROY THE LAND!! and you are telling me in totk rauru takes up her botw role and she bascially killed herself to ... restore the mastersword.

......... she ... she did that only to be a glorified version of the stone pedestal in the forest. and then she gets returned to normal itty bitty girly no problem via magic sparkle beam at the end and

DOESNT

EVEN

REMEMBER.

it really is just botw but worse, you even get yet another ghost king of hyrule to guide you around (rhoam did it better fight me ... we dont talk about the questionable choice to make himself darker skinned when posing as just some guy)

i honestly dont think i was ever truly taken aback by anythign that happened in botw, while in totk, the further i played, the more i had to fight with myself to keep the feeling of unease, disappointment and betrayal down

its such a god damn shame, totk should have stayed a DLC, i will forever mournfully dream of a game that explores more of the ancient shiekah, doesnt erase integral parts of the world, developes characters more instead of making them regress back and make them end up even less developed than at the start of the game, dives into buried secrets and mistakes of dark pages of history without giving into a weirldy nationalist(imperalisitc?) narrative and lets characters have some agency for once

if it werent for the yiga i might have actually considered refunding the game, just to be at peace with myself

anyway, aboslutely incoherent word vomit.

#ganondoodles talks #zelda #totk #ganondoodles rants #old man yells at cloud #i know im repeating myself in alot of points #but some things just wont stop rotating in my head #ngl i felt like nintendy was trying to gaslight me in totk #what noooo the shrine of life was ALWAYS just a barren cave with a puddle of water in it #noooo dumsda (hundson) NEVER had a funny quirk of how he talks #nooooo purah NEVER cared about shiekah tech or that stone she used to have in her lab in hateno #noooooo robelo NEVER cared about the shiekah oven he named cherry #nooooo yuno was never not dumb like a rock and ridiculed by the narrative worse than koga #noooo yuno never had inheretited an ability unique to daruk #nooooooo zelda never had any character besides like white dress waifu #nooooooo the dekutree never actually played a central role #nooooo there never was any shikeah tech #noooooo there never were any champions we were actualyl friends with #why is this series so damn allergic to moving the world or characters forward #you literalyl showed us that zelda companion is doable #you made 5 fram rate killing ghosts that are more useless than useful in any fight but noooo cant do zelda #she gotta be the little maiden uwu #you could have shown us the past without sendign zelda back #you could have revealed the sonau without erasing the shiekah #you had such a good setup from botw #and isntead chose to focus 3 years on being able to glue a stick to a stick in a game that isnt about glue or building

[tteokdoroki]

Since I saw this post a couple weeks ago I can’t get nerd!Bakugo out of my head 😭. He’s still pretty mean, maybe a bit quieter about it, but not a lot. He’s a total nerd/geek and is not afraid to share his interests and make ppl feel stupid for not knowing the ins and outs of something. He definitely flashes his braces because he knows you find them hot asf. He uses his intellect to turn you on. One day he’s fixing/customizing his gauntlets and you ask him about it and he’s offhandedly explaining what they do, all the pieces, different upgrades he could make, even gets into ideas he has for different pieces of support tech. When he looks over to your face you have that look you get after he’s put his hand around your throat and he’s looking down on you, you know submissive and breedable. Even your mouth is slightly open. From that point on if he has the opportunity to show off his intellect in a non mansplainy way he’s doing it, especially if it’ll be helpful for you. You need to know more about skincare ingredients and what they do, he got it. When you guys are having sex I imagine him getting sweaty and having to just rip his glasses off mid thrust. Makes sure to ask you during sex “Oh you like that?” ALOT just so he can reply with “I know you do, nobody knows this pussy better than I do”. Helps you with your homework by fucking it into you. “What’s the fucking chemical formula for ethanol” you’re on your hands and knees with his hand around your neck while he grunts into your ear and rails you from behind. His hot chest pressed to your back. “It’s- ah- mmm” “Come on Princess, can’t keep fucking ya if you don’t tell me the answer” “It’s C2- ha-H5OH” “You’re so fucking smart babygirl” as he uses the hand around your neck to turn your head and kiss you sloppily.

IM GONNA SCREAM IM FROTHING ACTUALLY

because why is bakugou with glasses and braces so attractive i want him to be just like me fr :((

imagine like college tutor bakugou who’s made to help you study for extra credit, you’ve never spoken in your lives— what harm could it do to you? you think nothing of him until he’s in your dorm, explaining formulas and other things to you like you’re stupid. his voice is so rough, and he sounds so smart it makes your brain fog up when you should be focusing :(

“are ya listenin’ dummy? don’t wanna have t’fuckin repeat myself.” he’ll rasp to you, and you have to ignore the tingle in your tummy ‘cause it’s almost like he’s degrading you :(( katsuki keeps catching you staring at him every time he takes off glasses to clean them or rub over his face— the plastic frame tucked between his teeth.

you want him to be mean to you, purposely getting things wrong to frustrate bakugou and he knows you’re not stupid— that you’re playing dumb for his attention, and like you said. if you’re not going to do the work, bakugou’s gonna have to fuck it into you.

for the next hour and a half, until you can answer the questions you need to— babbled out through punctuated moans and tears, katsuki folds you into all sorts of positions. on your back with his cock in your guts and two fingers on your clit to trace the words you need over it, on your hands and knees while he spanks down on your sore ass until you pick the right option of a multiple choice question. you don’t get to cum until bakugou feels like you’ve learned enough; reminding you of that when he groans in your ear and presses you into the floor with a calloused hand on your neck.

#bakugou thirst #bakugou smut #bnha smut #mllechartreux #📩. user login #💌. you’ve got mail

[bricksduhh]

The way I loved you

Mickey Altieri x Male Reader

I apologise to everyone who has sent me story requests 😭 I probably should of worked on one of those instead and i promise I'll do them soon but i noticed there is no Mickey x Male reader fics, so i had to take it upon myself to do him justice. I also really wanted to write something with Sidney in it lol.

This takes place during the final act, the beginning is the same as the movie but i changed the ending to cut it short because I was really tired writing this so if there is any mistakes than im sorry <3

You ran through the college campus trailing behind Sidney. You two had just been attacked by ghostface while being escorted away from the college to protect Sidney. You were still processing your friend, Hallies, death. She didn't deserve to die. You felt guilty for not staying close to her, instead you went with Sidney to try to de-mask the Ghostface that lay unconscious in the car they had crashed in. When you and Sidney reached the car you noticed he was gone. You turned to see him jump out behind Hallie, brutally stabbing her to death. 

That's when you two ran, as far as you could. Sidney held onto your arm, you didn't know where she was going. You didn't question it either, she had been through this before. You trusted that she knew what she was doing. She guided you to the college's theatre. You both ran down the aisles upon aisles of chairs, calling for any help. You stopped when you and Sidney reached the stage. 

"Sid, I need a break." you bent over, placing your hands on your knees. You struggled to catch your breath. Sidney looked at you, her hand on your back. She looked around. Suddenly you two heard a noise. You saw the mechanisms on the stage start to move, walls being lowered down, blocking your ways out through the back stage. 

Sidney ran towards one of the barriers. "Fuck" She yelled, banging on them. She looked back at you, before noticing something coming down from the roof. It looked like a star. You glanced up at it, seeing someone hanging from it. 

"Derek?" You questioned, squinting your eyes. Sidney ran over when the mechanism lowered. She placed a hand on his chest. 

She began to untie him, struggling to undo the many knots that had been tied to keep him in place. You went to help her until you noticed a figure moving closer to the stage. 

"Um Sidney?" You moved your hand to tap her shoulder. "Who's that?" You asked, pointing your hand forward. It took you both a second to realise it was Ghostface. 

Sidney slipped out a curse, picking up the speed of untying Derek from the play prop he was tied to. 

The Ghostface climbed up onto the stage. You backed up. "Oh I wouldn't do that if I were you. You really want to try free your boyfriend?" He said, looking at Sidney. He began to talk again, this time with no voice changer activated. "Don't you know history repeats itself?" you all turned to look at him. He sounded familiar. 

"No" you whispered. You realised who it was. It was Mickey, your boyfriend. You denied it at first, hoping it was someone who sounded similar. Mickey would never want to kill someone.

You watched as the Ghostface removed his mask. Your heart dropped. It really was Mickey. He placed the voice changer over his mouth. "Surprise Sidney." He reached his arm out, dropping the device. 

He began to remove his costume. "Since Derek here disappeared on my ass, I've been on my own all fucking night." you all stood there, still in shock. "Thanks alot partner." You couldn't take your eyes off Mickey. You couldn't believe you trusted him or even loved him. Sidney slowly turned towards Derek, backing away. You realised what he said. Partner? Was Derek working with him? 

"You mother fucker" Derek exclaimed. "Sid he's crazy, you know me better than that." 

"Oh come on Sid, I gotta have a partner. I couldn't have possibly done this alone." Mickey looked manic. You were becoming scared of him. You've never seen him like this. 

Sidney's eyes began to water. She let out a breath of disbelief, staring at Derek. Derek began to panic, begging Sidney for help." No no, Sid he's lying" He turned his head to face you. "Y/N you don't believe him right?" You finally took your attention off of Mickey. Turning to face Derek, you didn't say a word. 

You heard Mickey laugh, he held the knife to his head. He kept repeating "Boyfriend or Killer '' Obviously directed towards Sidney. Derek began shouting at Mickey, claiming he was going to kill him. You and Sidney jumped when a bang suddenly filled the theatre. You heard Sidney screaming as she covered her hand over Derek's chest. You saw blood begin to drip down Derek's torso. You could barely process what happened. 

Mickey held the gun towards Sidney. "You should really deal with your trust issues. I mean poor Derek, he was completely innocent." You grabbed onto Sidney, pulling her back from your manic boyfriend. Mickey's focus finally fell onto you. "Ah Y/N. What a pleasure to see you here." 

"What the fuck is wrong with you." you said, voice cracking. "This isn't you, it can't be." You couldn't get your mind around the fact you have been dating a serial killer. 

"Oh but baby it is." He held his arms out to his side, smirking. "The one and only." You shook your head. 

"You fucker" Sidney shouted out. Mickey pointed his gun towards her again. 

"Don't you get involved bitch, I'm not done with you." You put your arm in front of Sidney. "Baby, come over here." Mickey motioned for you to go beside to him. You looked at Sidney. "No, no. Don't look at her." He ordered. "Look at me. Come over. This is between me and Sid. You don't need to be involved" 

Your eyes began to water. You didn't know what he was capable of. He could easily shoot you or even stab you the second you stand by him. "I- '' was all you could get out. You felt a lump in your throat. 

"You'll be ok. Just stand by me and I won't have to hurt your pretty face." He said, gun still pointing at Sidney. You closed your eyes, letting out a small cry. You turned to Sidney, apologising before walking over to Mickey. "Smart boy. You were always the only one out of them all to have common sense. It's what I love about you the most." You stopped as you stood beside him, your back facing Sidney. 

"Now, Sidney. What am I going to do with you?" Mickey asked, grabbing your hand, placing a knife in it. Your heart skipped a beat. Was he going to tell you to kill Sidney? You couldn't. No way. He leaned in towards you. "If she tries to run you swipe at her ok babe?" He patted your back, walking towards Sidney. You turned around, you could barely see. Your vision blurred from the tears that lay in your eyes. 

"Y/N.. No" Sidney looked at you, shaking her head. "We're friends." 

"Don't talk to him." Mickey shoved the gun closer to her. "He's none of your business now." You heard footsteps coming from behind Sydney. "Ah, our special guest has arrived." Sidney turned to look at the door. Gale walked in. 

"Gale?" You and Sidney both questioned. Gale shook her head. Walking forward more to allow someone else to walk in. You didn't know who she was. 

"Mrs Loomis?" Sidney questioned. You recognised the last name. You remembered Sidney telling you about her past boyfriend who shared the same last name. You guessed they must have been related. 

"Hello Sidney." She said walking behind Gale, pointing a gun to her back. 

"Surprised?" Mickey asked, smiling like a maniac. 

Mrs Loomis looked over at you, noticing the knife in your hand. "Recruiting someone else without my permission Mickey?" She looked at him. "Have you even explained why we are doing this?" She questioned, giving him a disappointed look. 

"No not yet, I was going to-" Mrs Loomis cut Mickey off. 

"No. You know what the deal was, no one else gets involved and we both get what we wanted." Mrs Loomis gave him a stern look "This is your fault" She moved her gun towards you, opening fire. You felt pain in your shoulder, shouting in pain. Sidney jumped in fear, screaming your name. 

"NO" Mickey shouted, watching you fall to the ground. He aimed his gun towards Mrs Loomis. He shot too soon. The bullet instead hit Gale's stomach. She hunched over in pain, stumbling to the side and falling off the stage. Mickey growls in anger. "You fucking bitch." He went to shoot again before Sidney grabbed his arm, pushing it up. Instead Mrs Loomis shot at Mickey, hitting his chest. He roared in pain. His gun falling out of his hand. Sidney backed away in shock. 

"Oh Mickey, you sweet dumb boy." She walked over to him. You looked up, seeing him on the ground. His gun had fallen and glided across the floor. It lay in front of you. "Your plan was never going to work. Blaming all this on the movies? Really? Nobody was ever going to believe such bullshit." She stood over him, aiming her gun at his head. "I'm doing this to Avenge my son who was murdered by that bitch." She turned her head looking at Sidney. "It's the most understandable motive." 

You knew Mickey probably deserved to die. He killed your friends but something in you didn't want him gone. Maybe it was the love you had for him that still lingered in your mind,you weren't sure. You grabbed the gun from in front of you, aiming towards Mrs Loomis, firing. She howled in agony. Turning back from looking at Sidney to see the blood spilling over her blouse. The bullet hit her shoulder. Her gun fell from her hand. Her free hand reached at the wound. She looked at you. You could tell she was furious. She stormed over to you,kicking you in the face causing you to fall down. You heard Sidney shout your name. 

"Fucking teenagers" Mrs Loomis said,grabbing the gun you held and pointing it towards you. You heard a bang, causing you to close your eyes, crying out. You heard something fall. You opened your eyes to see Mrs Loomis laying on the floor, blood coming out of her head. You looked over at Mickey. He was holding the gun Mrs Loomis dropped. He laughed to himself. 

Sidney ran up to him grabbing his arm, pushing it up again. He shot. The bullet striking the roof. He groaned, trying to fight Sidney off him. Sidney easily overpowered him, thanks to the bullet wound left on Mickey's chest. She grabbed the gun from his hand. Pointing it towards him, ready to pull the trigger. 

"Sidney." You said through a hoarse voice. She turned to face you. She looked at you with sympathy. She couldn't kill the man you loved right in front of you. She lowered the gun. 

"Pussy" Mickey whispered through a pained voice. Sidney rolled her eyes, kicking him in the face. He fell to the ground, losing his consciousness. You released a deep breath. She ran towards you. 

She kneeled down in front of you,placing her hand on your shoulder. "How are you feeling?" She asked. 

"Could be better" You laughed, wincing in pain at doing so. You both heard movement behind Sidney. 

Gale popped up from where she fell. "I'm fine too, thanks for asking" Cotton suddenly ran in, with paramedics coming in behind him. 

You sat in the back of an ambulance, looking at the paramedics wheeling Mickey out of the theatre in a stretcher. You felt yourself start to cry. You still couldn't believe that Mickey would do this. Sidney sat beside you, she rubbed her hand over your back. The paramedics ushered you into the ambulance. You forgot you had been shot, the pain of Mickey's betrayal hurt more than any bullet wound. You sat on the stretcher. Sidney didn't leave your side. Your head fell onto her shoulder. You didn't know what was going to happen to Mickey. You hated him for what he did, but something in you hoped things would work out in his favour. You knew it was unlikely but you still had a sliver of hope. 

#Mickey Altieri #Mickey Altieri x male reader #Mickey Altieri x reader #Mickey Altieri x y/n #Scream #scream 2 #scream x male reader #scream x yn #scream x reader #Gay

[rin-and-jade]

Question that's not explicitly plurality related but I think that yall would probably know the most about it, if that's ok?

How can you tell when a thought is yours? Like I'll have thoughts that I definitely know I'm thinking, but there's also a song running in the background (which I think is normal to not be able to stop, don't know if it's normal to purposefully try to think over it and have it still go just sound like it's underneath your thoughts), and other background noise too. By "background noise" I mean random trains of thought that I can't fully hear unless I focus on them. And then sometimes my brain will just start talking, narrating my life or telling a story or making up a scenerio or something. Sometimes it's full on conversations. It's not something that I'm trying to do, and if I'm like "hey brain, can you shut up ^.^" it'll be like "no" and resume (sometimes it just doesn't stop and sometimes it will literally say no, the latter not often though)

I'll also have conversations with myself, both outloud/internal and internal/internal, but only one of them will really feel like conscious thought so idk what's up there

I can't tell if my brain is just running without my input or if something else might be up here, but I figured that you guys most likely have more experience than a lot of people (singlets) with thoughts-that-don't-belong-to-you sooo.... yeah

Yep, im ok with it; Well in general means, there still can be thoughts that seems to be lingering around that doesn't necessarily correlate to being plural! I definitely know what you're talking about, so in this case i thought of a few things such as:

Intrusive thoughts This is when you unexpectedly think of something, which seem to pop up here and there that didn't actively come from you. How often someone experiences, and what kinds of thoughts have no limits. This one will make sense when you mean thinking things that doesn't relate to your train of thought or personality at all.

Neurodivergency Most apparent/often for people with ADHD, they often have their minds being loud with many background thoughts, often repeating a part of a song and or words. I am not entirely sure if this is for stimulation (keeping yourself from being bored or something) or because of scattered focus or other reasons that i had not mentioned. This isn't only limited to ADHD btw.

My Experience Well, some people are chatty in nature, im one of them, i often think alot, chat to myself alot to the point of having a fake convo (i know im the one replying to myself, thats the thing) because you're brain is super active and all that.. eh, i wish it's silent you know? And it doesn't have anything to do with those two things up there before.

And to answer your very first question to how you can know it's your thought.. i can only explain in one definition: You always know the reason, or why, or the train of thought behind it. Something that interjects and does and follow your flow is a foreign thought.

Also, to be safe, these are what you have to look out for that could mean your thoughts... can be alters:

Commenting on different preferences often

Commenting on what you're doing, sometimes telling you to do it differently or somewhere along the lines

Refer with different names

Have consistent, distinguishable accent/tone/characteristic (where, obviously, are not your thoughts)

Seem to have different views, morals, ethics

Capable of handling conversations, and reasoning, as if it's a physical person you're talking to. Which is entirely outside of your own will and intention

Often dissociate, feel like a different you, and have inconsistent likes/dislikes

If you seem to match up with these signs, you are likely to be an undiscovered system. And i will dedicate myself to further assist you to assess if you are one in an even more detailed/complete manner because it takes a decent amount of time to figure this out (oh and feel free to read DID resources just incase). If you got your answer, thats great! If you think you are a system, feel free to refer this ask when DMing me alright?

Wish you a good day.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #sysblr #dissociative identity disorder #janswersask

[sentientgopro]

So, the other day, I told the first other person I know IRL that I cracked, over a month after it happened, and it was, well, weird.

The reason for it being this person in particular was that I know, damn well, they get it. Hell, they're a massive egg themselves, their words, not mine. So I knew if I was gonna tell anyone, they had to be first.

I didn't wanna outright bring it up to them if I could avoid it, so I started with small hints every now and again, like being a little too careless with keeping my phone close to me while I had an r/egg_irl or r/traaaaaa... post on my feed. They commented on it when they saw egg irl, I told them Im not an egg, they looked at me as if to say "yeaahhh sure about that buddy" and I followed up by saying an egg is someone who hasn't realised it, And I realised a month ago.

Idk if I wasn't clear enough, it was kinda loud in the room, of whether they thought I was joking, but they didn't really react to it at the time.

It wasn't until we went on a walk to get lunch a week or so later, and they kinda got into something a bit personal out of the blue, and it really set the tone of "we dont normally talk about shit but we can do that right now." As it goes, the thing they were talking about could feed kinda well into me being more upfront with what I was trying to say. I repeated the same "Im not an egg" trick I did last time but clearer, and we had a back and forth exchange of

"But In a cis way right?"

"No."

"But in a-"

"No."

"...

...

...But in a-"

"no."

and it kinda seemed to catch them off guard a bit, being so upfront with what I was saying. As I said, they say themself that they're a massive egg, as a joke, ofcourse. But I think they were so suprised by me doing that because they feel the same way but are down so many layers deep in "in a cis way, still cis tho". And it kinda makes me wonder if me being so upfront and honest with myself about it will help them be honest to themself. Either way, I feel like I'm starting to read too much into someone elses emotions and make assumptions based on nothing.

Other than the initial suprise, they didn't really react much and have much else to say, and I really think thats a good outcome? Like, they get my situation, I can't start transitioning for a while, so they understand that I'm not really trans yet, Im just telling them how I feel, and kinda reacted like that was the case. The most they said was when I was talking about how I just kinda gotta manage it for now until I can move out and they said "Fuck it, we ball" and I was just like. Exactly, you get exactly what I mean.

So its weird, because while it feels like a massive deal to me and feels kinda anticlimactic, I dont really want to be treated like its a massive deal yet? Because really, nothing has or will change for a long time, and thats part of the reason I havent come out to more people yet, because its just gonna be awkward to continue like I never said anything afterwards. But this was good.

So, this has been a fairly aimless log just generally talking about my first experience kinda coming out as trans (not my first experience of coming out, plenty of people know Im Ace) so I wanted to write down my thoughts on it. After so many posts like this, it still feels kinda silly, but I guess the whole point of blogs is that theyre kinda like public diaries? idk.

Its also worth noting this was part of one of my 3 goals for this year, to start kinda coming out to people. I doubt Ill tell anyone else, maybe one other person I can trust, but idk. As for the other 2, I really havent made a great deal of progress with planning my transition, but thats fine, its January. As for "100%ing Celeste to the best of my ability?" Kind already done after 40hrs and just over a month of having it. I thought thatd take me alot longer lmfao. So, update to that one, lets say, Strawberry Jam done up to expert lobby? Sure, why not.

#personal logs #196 #transgender #transfem

[hellfireconfessions]

since everyone is confessing their stories and their experience on hellfire, after abit of messing around and laughing at the sheer stupidity of some of these groomers im gonna tell EVERYONE what only a very very small handful of hellfire knows about.

Enviosa, as alot of older members know me and her 'dated' for a little bit, this relationship lasted around 6 months and some people found our relationship cute and super loving which was infact not what was happening, at first i thought it was love at first meet and her seemed to naturally keep finding eachother in game and eventually became friends and now that i look back on it i just feel like i was preyed upon and targeted. i was and am a VERY mentally unstable person i struggle with a multitude of mental disorders and i will admit i was at my lowest point when i met enviosa. at first she gave me all the attention and love i had always craved as a love deprived kid i grew up in a very troubled household and the only way i could ever receive any sort of 'validation' was simply me being groomed by older men online, and of course history repeats itself.

enviosa love bombed me completely trapping me, at first i thought we were simply affectionate friends giving eachother the attention and love we both wanted and needed but i quickly learned i was being stringed along into a very serious relationship being completely wrapped around her finger i did whatever she wanted i did whatever i could to please her and keep her i will admit, my behaviors were toxic but i was extremely mentally troubled 14 yr old and im expected to be the perfect lover? she was 17 going onto 18 she knew the maturity difference she knew what she was doing there is no excuse.

with my toxic traits came extreme jealousy that i still struggle with, i would begin to get to angry my vision would quite literally go white from pure jealousy i remember physically puking from it causing me to lash out at my friends by distancing myself from everyone i knew, i was no longer a member of hellfire i was entirely dedicated to enviosa and her needs and wants and she js happened to play on hellfire.

whenever my jealousy would get bad and i would send her sad paragraphs about how i was feeling actively communicating in a healthy manner instead of trying to help me and find solutions and listen to me i was simply guilt tripped and basically told i was "wrong" and would end up with me apologising for communicating how i felt.

when some close friends found out about our age gap i began to lie and tell people i was 15 turning 16 and it turns out enviosa was already telling people i was 15 turning 16 before i even started doing it, we had literaly conversations about how she wouldnt be able to "touch me for a couple years" once she turned 18 and mentioned "well you consent to everything i say and do" im legally UNABLE to consent? hello?

lets not forget reese, me and envi were having a rough patch (again) and she was either actively STREAMING our conversation to HER FRIENDS a very PRIVATE conversation which was once again about my horrible issues with jealousy and in the midst of believing i was about to lose the 'love of my life' i began to receive very hateful and genuinely horrible dms from reese + another person i will not name. i will be honest and admit enviosa manipulated all three of us making me out to be some monster so i do not entirely blame their actions but they are still accountable for what they said and did.

i would LOVE to also mention how obsessive she was with me communicating how i always had to communicate how i felt and what was making me feel like that ect ect but they would NEVER EVER communicate how they felt till it was the breaking point and would get mad at me cuz she needed space and to js leave her alone perhaps tell me? just mayybbee tell me instead of using INGAME BODY LANGUAGE to tell u how u feel LMAO, in the end of our relationship they began to just treat me like i was nobody the affection was suddenly gone and she was super dry with me i would write literally PARAGRAPHS abt how i feel like our relationship is dying and i feel like u dont care abt me anymore and wanna know what i was met with?? "ok lol…well i do so idk what u want me to do??" she couldnt make time to atleast tell me shes busy or lmk like "hey im gonna be doing this" and would js bascially make me feel bad for missing her.

!!!MASSIVE TW!!! At the end of it all she was super sudden and said i would never listen to her when she voiced her concerns, she was complaining abt things i had done the ENTIRE relationship so i didnt fully understand why and would often forget these things that bugged her and i will admit, it was toxic on my part. she had me begging and begging since it was just a "break" and not an actual break up and she practically led me on as i would ask her if there was still a chance and all i got was "idk" then claimed she didnt wanna say yes cuz she didnt wanna give me false hope as if a idk isnt giving me false hope? after i met my current best friend who was previously wrapped around her finger like reese and i were, she helped me come to the realization that SHE was the problem and not me being and it sent me into a rage, being an angry teen i sent her a longg text abt how this was all her fault and a lot of not so nice things

which i understand wasnt very mature and was toxic but i was once again guilt tripped as she threatened me with her death, saying "ill have to go clean up the blood" which sent me into a spiral i begged her so much to get help and not to do that, "heh i guess its my fault :]" type shi, im still unsure if she was lying or not but if she was actually trying to end her own life i regret trying to help her and i know wishing death upon someone is horrible but she has traumatized me in numerous ways and put me into one of the LOWESTS points in my life.

but thats my hellfire story, i know many people within hellfire didnt enjoy me and thought i was rude ect ect but to those that were my actual friends and to my one freind (my pookie) thank you for making hellfire enjoyable while it lasted.

DISCLAIMER i was toxic, i know i was i wasnt entirely in the right but i was and still am just a kid. reese isnt entirely to blame in that situation it was horrible what they said but again they were lied to.

.

#enviosa

[mogai-sunflowers]

This isnt related to the current topic but this has been happening for awhile and has been bothering me. Your language concerning issues you dont face is a problem.

Your white, abled and upper-middle class and getting a private education. Sorry but you are the "privileged white gays" you actively performitively attack for no reason other than you wanna throw yourself on the ground infront of the more oppressed members of our community by repeating what we say to win our favor. Even if thats not your intention, thats how you come off to us as a poc, disabled and poor person.

Us poc, disabled and poor members of the community know what your doing and we've known for awhile cause alot of white, abled and just generally privilaged people have been doing it forever. Its crazy common for the white/abled partners of poc/disabled pple my own partner has put herself down on occasion for being white and abled. Its called white guilt, performative support and bullet-taking. You want a stamp of approval for being a good ally for a few posts where you parrot what we were already saying instead of just boosting our voices. Do better if you seriously want to be an ally and stop using our language. Youre talking like you arnt one of them and youre one of us. Thats your community. Its your job to fix the racism and ableism issues in the white/abled lgbt community, not us.

Tdlr: stop refering to white gays as if you arent a white gay. Its the language used by the poc members of the community and it makes people think "white gays" are actively oppressing you in the lgbt community as a poc when you yourself are a white gay. Stop it. Talk about how other white lgbtqia+ pple can help the poc members of the community instead of just complaining about them as if they called you a racial slur. Alot of your attempts at allyship have come across as performative by simply saying what we already are and you have quite abit of privileges being what you've stated you are. Ive seen you do better and you can do better, please do better.

oh, i'm sorry for coming across as performative but i fully know my privilege. i'm talking about myself when i say those things, and i know making a few posts doesn't make me an ally, i never said it does. i do often boost voices of color. i didn't mean to act like i was oppressed for something i know im not oppressed for, so im sorry about that. however, i'm not doing this because i want ally points, or because i want to seem like "one of the good ones", i could care less what people THINK of me because i know who i am. i don't know if i can control how i come across to others, but when i make posts criticizing white gays, i do it because i recognize the racism in a lot of the community and saying something is better than saying nothing. i don't attack people for no reason, and i don't do anything with performative intent, but i know intent isn't as important as outcome so i really am sorry for being insensitive/performative. in the future, if i make such posts, i'll clarify more and acknowledge my privilege more directly because i never want to claim oppression i know i don't experience.

#🌌written in the stars ; asks 🌌 #also just for clarification's sake im lower middle class and only can afford private education because of financial aid from my moms church #but i had to lie about being catholic to get it lmao

[tsukidangaronpabrainrot]

I normally don't do this type of post because it wasn't my intention when I created this blog, however as it is related to danganronpa especialy shipping( of course it is ,well lets say this fandom is quite intense in the subject of ships to say the least) i feel this whas a nice space to this kind of vent.

I quite loyal to my ships but i like to belive im pretty open to hear people out on their, to try to understand what is the apeal even if dont work for me, i just whant to see the positivy side of things however this day something happen that made me notice something about myself, idk if can explain correctly but when someone is so agresive with their shiping put other ship down to compare to their own i feel like any type of interest  that i had before in trying to like them myself get lost,especially if the shipp or ship fans in questions they  are puting down is one i like our im a part of, it make me feel so akward.

 Of course, this dont apply to criticism , everyone has the right of expressing their opinion and hearing where people are coming from overall enrich your visions make less one side even if you disagree with the persons take, im talking about the ones that are just hate like ''this ship suck'' , ''this ship i have is so much better than the other one''  our ‘’the fans of this ships are stupid’’ this just blatantly unnecessary mean. One argument i see being toss alot when people trying to justify this behavior is ''oh the fans of this ship were bad to me’’ with i  can see some point of it,i allways gona be agaist any type of toxic ship plus ‘’pettyness’’ is normal to have in time to time,yet  fogiveness if sound to harsh, but if act like they acted toward you repeating the circle you are not becoming the same level as they? Like you not doing any better being this whay generalizing a group of people and being nasty with them just becausa you had bad experiences in the past? Why compare to their ship in the firt place? why not focous on doing you own and the the positivy things than weaponize your anger?

I consider myself a pessimistic person, i allways think of the worst so i can just only hope for the best , however when i see any hate toward something i like i just whant to make more things of it to combat the negativity, i think if people did the same could be best for them mentally but made they and their ship become more approachable to people like me who whanted to give a shot, well as a friend of me sayed to me ‘’is their loss’’ so is better not cry over spilled milk ,is just quite disapointed is okay to have you taste though, if you dont like something i like is totaly valid just being so agresive about it is what feel weird, i just dont like this type of mentalitys. 

sorry for the long rant is definly not the normal type of post on this blog, but i dont know i feel quite relife in saying out lound  in a space that make me feel safe, maybe i can use this blog to tell things are on my mind related to danganronpa  the blog focous is not gona change stil i feel is a nice change of passing and maybe give people glimpse of the type of belifes and opinions i hold.

if you read this far, thank you for give me your time and stay safe <3 .

#danganronpa #shipping #shipping issue #shipping discourse #rant

[doog20]

Waymond

So i have been rewatching Everything Everywhere All at Once, on repeat since i watched when it released, its become a sort of comfort movie. i can recite the lines from this movie 1:1 if that gives you an indecation of how much i have seen this. anyways thats besides the point, i wanted to chat about comic releaf and how this movie does it perfectly with Waymond.

by the way, pls bear with me, my writing style is more narrative based than anything else. think of this as a trip into my brain lol <3

life is hard, we all deal with it in different ways. some people deal with it dead on, and try to analyse it all, and decided things based on facts. but some, some very interesting souls, wholeheartedly reject this and seek wholeness in the fact that they dont need to see it all to understand it all. i myself probably fit somewhere in the middle, i feel very happy when i understand things and try my hardest to understand alot of things. but i find alot of safety in the idea that there are just some things that need to be joked about and not analysed at all.

When we meet Waymond he is in a bad place, his marriage is falling apart, his daughter and wife are feuding and to put a cherry on the top of this cake he is ablivious to this all, instead living life as if it was fine, its not, but he is still dancing and making costumers laugh.

Waymond fits into group 2, the people that dont need to know everything, everywhere all at once (see what i did there). BUT this must NOT be taken as these people not understanding the world or being somehow stupider bc they pick a different path. rather it should be taken as just another way to exist.

many comic releaf characters are only that, no 3 dymentionality, just there to cut the tension. this used to work well when movies were shorter and not as in demand. as we start to see things over and over they get boring, we all know this. the thing is though, we need comic releaf in every movie somewhere.

okay lets do an exercise, think of your favourite movie, now think of any scene in that movie serious or otherwise, i can take a shot in the dark and say that if you told a friend about this scene alone they wouldnt think much of it, bc they dont have context, they dont have a build up to any of this. now take a scene that has a moment of comic releaf, and tell this to your metaphorical friend about this scene, i can say with 90% confidence that they will for sure understand that scene better. what i am trying to say is that comic releaf makes things more palettable.

Waymond for almost the whole movie is kind of a joke... he isnt very serious and when he is its out of character for him, but come the 3rd act and its revealed that Waymond is doing all of this by choice, as the world just needs googly eyes every now and then.

this reveal hits so well on 3 levels. level 1 it informs the viewers more on Waymond and forces a reevaluation of him, level 2 it changes how Michelle Yeoh's character, Evelyn looks at he current situation and level 3 makes the comic releaf 3D!!! not only is he doing this to make it easier on himself but also on everyone else. this builds his character of just being a father and caring person, even with his costumers, he is just doing this to make them happier.

when i look at this movie a few things come to mind, 2 scenes the intro to the rocks where its just silence and text to read, the whole saga with the sausage fingers and Waymond as a character.

in closing, im very happy that The Daniels made this. this movie that was really funny, really insightful and really did give me my favourite character in movie history. I wish the them all the best and hope they keep knocking out BANGERS like this one

anyways thanks for reading, hope you have a good day :3

okay so that was really nice to write out, i havent been able to flex my writing muscles for a while, i am dyslexic and its just very energy consuming but very very fun to do when it comes together. its been real, doog signing off

[euphoricdr3ams]

as trash as it is. its something very releasing to vent to the internet about my problems than to just write in journal where i basically just feels like I'm talking to myself...

I've been talking to myself so much in my head that i want basically need to share with the outside people. But thats a double edge sword because people are tired and exhausted and have their own shit going on. And if they do have the emotional capacity to deal with me. Its a slippery slope. Like how real can i really be with you. if i say this one thing will i make you upset about something you repressed too.

But I also can't be on a constant zoom call with my therapist either soooooo to the internet I come with all of my problems. :)

I think what im gonna do right now while under the influence is unpack at least one statement via written format that my friends have been screaming at me for months. that if it could just instantly process in my mind what would it be.

She said "I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think. You are worthy. And i wish you appreciate yourself as much as i appreciate you"

I may have messed up that up but that was the gist of it. Sooooo that was really sweet and honestly lets just start here and maybe we'll come to a realization by the end of this post.

Its kinda telling my first reaction was how i feel like ive been slacking in the friend department and how i wanna just rush and be done with all of this so i can be the bright and bubbly person i knew myself to be.

"I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think."

I kinda just at here and stared at this statement for about 3 mins. Well on first notice. When i try to repeat that to myself it sounds like nice and definitely some stuff i said to hundreds of people in my life. Permeant and passing guest in this story. But repeating that phrase back to myself just sounds phony.

Like what is so interesting about me that assumes i deserve better. Like at the end of the day, we're all humans so why should i live with this air of what i assume is arrogance that I am immune to the trails of this life and that I who has had such a leg up in this world. Deserve more than someone else who there's no competition has had it way worse. So to everyone else yes to me no. Honestly thats BS. I should give myself the same grace and space as i do everyone else but its like when i try to reach for the empathy string for myself its as if we've run out of thread.

Like if life was a game. Which it is. Then, how can someone who came in with at least plus 2 fuck up so bad. Like at this point. I would just be somewhat happy to finish. Cuz trying to make some sort of rebound or comeback from that sounds impossible so why even try to let that idea sink in your head. So at this point. Just finishing is a leg up. Cuz even that is alot. And its kinda like how dare you like waste the efforts of the people who helped you get to this point. Like its a long history. Your ancestors and the people in your life right now so how could you fuck up. Like you should have been really paying attention when people are sharing their stories. You would have saved yourself so much headache. soooooooooo why should i dream about better. I know im stuck in a toxic thinking trap with that last blurb but like this isn't no healed chronicles. We're basically starting from the beginning and maybe we'll reach some healed state by the end.

I guess since my thoughts are basically below the earth crust. It's hard to imagine better than where i'm at right now. I paused tbh. I let the same song loop twice before really type again. I think theres something below the earth crust and thats about how dark my thoughts are. XD

its not funny. but its also hilarious at the same time. Yea my perception of myself so down. I felt the most full as a person and as a human being when i had my ex. Like i felt like i was better and i could do better and that i was worthy. And its not like he was really all that. Honestly he was a piece of shit. If the two people i have on here actually made it down this far. They could write a 100 page paper on how trash he was and how he doesn't deserve anything good ever again. But that level of anger i cant find it there for him fullly. Most of that resent is back at me for not smacking the dog shit out of him and leaving. He even suggested i do it. and i couldn't. I really loved that man and the thought of doing that even after all that is so bad. I wouldn't forgive myself. I wanna be able to do that but its not there cuz i dont deserve it. ughhh. Like all i can really feel is sorrow that i couldn't be all that he needed and thinking i failed him.

Im really pathetic.

I'm kinda really happy that i'm so lit right now cuz i would be having a whole meltdown.

Like the thought is that, at least he wanted to stay for a while. Most ppl just take an immediately leave. They dont even ask so i should be grateful.

Honestly I think thats part of the reason Why i was so happy regardless of the situation. Also doesn't help I have this song on loop. It about the listener be happy to die right now because they already found their person so they've already peaked. Its like a love song out of desperation instead of confirmation that the other person feels the same.

if i would have died during that relationship i would have said i went out happy. This was how i felt before all the fuckery started. I was so happy with my love and just him that i could have been just happy. He never was. He wanted more as he sucked all of that in the moment happiness i had and turned it into just a depressing mess. Turned it into someone who has so much anxious energy its ridiculous.

Out of the 2323232323233232323232232323232 *many* people i have had sex with at least he wanted to be here :) for a bit until he basically just lied about everything and took off his facade. Then i was tossed out like the trash. its coool i find a way to recover. Even if i have to just :). My way out of this. It's worked a bit up to this point. Why would it not work now...... right? I'm fine. I have no choice but to be.

I was gonna finish this but I'mma need a minute. Maybe that was ambitious of me. I feel a bit panic-y and dizzy so imma just chill for now. Till next time i guess

#depressing shit #lonliness #diary #healing journey #self reflection

[ganondoodle]

so, i have thought more about what we now know about botw2 and honestly, setting aside the smaller things i am not a fan of (like the building aspect) my biggest gripes about it are the plot looking like its gonna be very generic, especially regarding ganondorf, while i hoped it would perhaps finally give us a little more interesting take instead good vs evil; and the oh so mysterious figure you see in in the trailer very likely to be hylia, since shes mentioned constantly in the first game (among other things like her design being pretty much a carbon copy of zelda for the most boring reasons imaginable)

and no its not just bc of my stupid little fanworks (that i do bc i love the franchise, as much as i am critical of it, it comes from being very passionate about it, hence me working my fan lore around the canon so it doesnt disturb it much, its more meant to expand it on parts i think are a little lacking without me trying to sound superior, literally just as an act of love (and a little spite ill admit that) to add something to it)- BUT bc i have little hope they would do anything more than just going full blown "this monstrous beast is pure inherently evil, and this is the pure inherently good white little girl goddess whos just protecting her god given perfect and unshakable good tm monarchy" with no little to no nuance (theres also alot more to be critical of the general structure and implications like racism, orientalism, nationalism, that while i can see alot of wrong or questionable things in the games i lack the eloquence to talk about in its full range) yes i am personally biased bc i just .. hate that kind of story/worldbuilding structure, but i dont think im the only one who would think of it as boring and .. disappointing?

i dont need ganondorf to be redeemed, i dont need him to be the good himbo bf that some people think all ganondorf stans want, i just want him to be more than to shout "i will conquor this kingdom bc i am evil and want it" and send a horde of monsters after you, at the very least id want the game to just aknowledge that there must be a reason for it, why it turned out like this

the zelda series and its world has so much potential, which is probably a reason for its popularity in fanworks, but also keeps not using it, no i dont expect a company like nintendo to deliver on all my hopes, of course not, im not that delusional, but the further i think and learn about this universe and concepts they created i find myself asking "why" more and more where the games never elaborate, never question

i like a clear structure, i like when your choices dont have a big or any impact on the story bc i want to live the story, not worry about every decision like i already do every second of my life IRL, i want to partake in a movie, in a theater piece i can influence the pace of but not change the outcome, yet i feel kind of ... ignored? let down? asking why and how, how do they know this is right and this is wrong, how do they keep enacting this seeing it never works out, keep saying defeat this evil, but evil yet returns stronger than before over and over, how do they never ask "is this the right way?", they say "we need to kill it more next time"

i know they are fictional little characters made up to sell a game, with a convevient plot point to ever repeat the same structure, but it cant be wrong to say "i love this world, i want to see and know more, i want to see it grow and change, break the cycle and be better, show me characters not puppets"

theres very surely nuances and ideas i am sorely missing bc i lack the knowledge of japanese as a language, culture, and mythology, but i dont think it invalidates all that i feel for it ..

.. right?

#ganondoodles talks #botw2 #tloz totk #rambling #long post #just to comment on the building aspect again #i think i dislike it so much bc it feels like the zelda world might be heading towards a too modern one #i dont like how alot of series of all entertainment treat industrialization as inevitable #that every world will have cars and planes and phones the way we have #botw took some modern concepts and very elegantly remade them into something that fits and doesnt feel out of place #maybe im just boring #maybe i just dont like alot about the world we live in and it pains me to see the escapist relief of it be turned into a copy of it #maybe im just autistic and think too much about stuff that doesnt matter #lmao #or something

[tumbleweedbloodbash]

Litterally a MASSIVE vent under the cut

Cw: neglect talk, childhood truama, school truama, fakeclaiming self, being used, self hatred, seeking abuse, suicide implications and everything familiar

Silas / Tumbleweed [he/it/they]

I am so pathetic. So fucking pathetic. I am the biggest disappointment in my family 🤷‍♂️ I'll never be anything, I'll never be what they expect of me and it's all my own fault. I really could have been better, I mean I could have changed so much been so much more but I didn't.

I will quite litterally NEVER be what they wanted out of me because how down to earth pathetic I truly am. I'm better off dead and sheltered from any chance to succeed because there is no point, every opportunity im given I throw away because I can't mentally push through it. I feel pathetic for it honestly. I want to be able to go to school I should be able to but I just can't, my mentality and my body stop me- I can't even try to go to school without being in so much pain from stress worsening my chronic illness.

Trying to be the one who stays in front for most of the day but the stress of school causes us to rapid switch so often now. The way I FUCKING TRY! to avoid the people who dislike us but first dya back I quite litterally run into them by accident. I made contact with them ffs I was trying to avoid them, I find it funny how they went from being nice to fucking lol cow farmer reddit junkies it's wild how much a few months and a shitty influence can do to someone. Idk I just feel like I'm reaching my breaking point.

I know I say that alot especially on here aha, but its just getting worse and worse. I feel the need to isolate myself again to try and live some sort of life because I'm not outside of this, im just an vicious animal to my family, a trick dog to our friends and a fucking stepping stone to anyone who I put before myself. I don't actually have a life because I spread mine out so much for the people around me to just walk all over.

I never NEVER put myself first because I'd be seen as selfish, I'd be seen as ignorant, uncaring and rude. So I'll sit there having a shut down in the car. I'll lay there holding back tears, I'll kick others out of front and take it over, I'll sit there in class and try not to violently breakdown, I'll suppress my rage just abit more so I can be there for you. I'll rid myself of hatred to seem more nice! I'll fucking break the walls so you don't have to see me break myself. I'll walk away so you don't see me cry, I'll act like I didn't just get triggered from you raising your voice, I'll suppress that really icky feeling inside me because I need to be there for others. I'll act like I'm not about to have a sensory melt down. I'll downplay every issue of my own to make yours seem so much worse so I need to help. I'll pretend like I'm not triggered by so many small things! I'll be perfect! I'll be seen as fucking perfect in that scenario!

Because truly I'm not even fucking real. I'm not real! I'm just a fucking peice of a shattered identity that only broke this badly because I was too pathetic to just deal with the childhood truama! I was too pathetic and let it all get to me :) I was so pathetic that I had to have coped by dissociating through the neglect, abuse, mental torture and nearly being killed multiple times. Couldn't even face my problems than no wonder I can't now because I'm even more fragmented and I can't stop splitting on people! IM FUCKING TRYING NOT TO IM SORRY I DONT WANT TO BUT I WONT FUCKING STOP!.

But guess what. I'll put on another act, like there isn't a thing going on! Like I'm just a trick dog made to follow people around as it's only job, I'll be your dog. I'll be a dog to anyone who needs one! I have no feelings because I'm not human afterall! So use me. Please just use me, please. I crave it, I crave just being used and fucking abused. I know when it's happening but I just keep repeating it because I deserve it.

Sometimes I wonder why I still care to do specific things when every single time I do them it's followed by atleast 1-3 scenarios. There isn't any changing it, believe me I've tried- I have tried so many diffrent things but it's also a 3 scene scenario! Maybe I keep doing it in hopes one day, ONE FUCKING DAY! there might be a chance it won't play out the same- it's always played out like this. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I'm starting to get sick of it, im starting to resent so much now and I hate it! Maybe our ex was right and that we will never fucking change.

I feel like him now, waiting for a change in something thats never going to fucking happen because no matter how long we wait, no matter how many things we try, no matter what we do it's always a repeat of the last time. I'm starting to lose ideas on what to do or how to cope through it, im losing it I really am. I think I need to just shrivel up and never come back, I can't even live. I'm sorry, im so fucking sorry to the people who know me in person im a horrible person.

I don't think you understand just how bad I am tbh, I care about people but one second later I don't give a shit, I think whatever happens to them is karma for how I've victimised myself to things they have done. Things I've probably over exhausted to make myself hate them even more. I don't end up hating them though, whoever it happens to I end up just missing them so much IT physically hurts me. But I'm fucking horrible! I have the worst jealousy issues, I can't handle people liking the same stuff as me because I am so convinced that they will steal the ONE things I find that makes me unique! I can't fucking handle when people copy me intentional or not but it gets under my skin and I feel like I'm no longer an individual and I start to absolutely hate what I used to like!

I ruin things for everyone.

I'm better off fucking dead.

I'm sorry boris.

[ordinarylifesblog]

Today was another one of those days. i went back to that dark place that i haven't found myself in in quite some time. Woke up and fought with family.... pretty routine as ive come to find that they all hate me but aye it is what it is. I was attacked about me being a father and at first it didnt bother me, i know im a great dad. But some of the things that were said stuck with me. Mabey my kids do hate me and mabey they would be better off without me. Normally i just brush off what my family says but for some reason i couldnt shake it. i went to work which just wasnt going well at all either and just like a record on repeat these thoughts just circled in my brain. It got to a point where i started contemplating suicide.... Now no i didnt just go straight there because of just this specific day but everything has just been piling up. My family would treat a bum off the street way better than they could ever treat me, hell they would probably love em more too. I dont have anyone to talk to and everything is too much. I even called my sons mom so i could tell him i loved him one last time. I had a whole plan and everything ready to go. Thankfully i had some time at work to just sit back and think. Fought back alot of tears but im glad to say i didnt follow through. I couldnt do that to my son as i sat there and thought how he was too young to understand where his dad has gone. Idk why i came here for this post mabey someone out there will take the time to read because the moral of the story here is whether you have kids or dont, Life is life. Not every day is going to be your day or go your way and some days are going to suck but you arent alone and are stronger than anything that comes your way no matter how stacked the odds are against you

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

#196 #personal logs

[anxieteaspooks]

*slams hands on table*

THE CHEF IN THAT MOVIE WAS WILD ISTG

HOW DID YOU LIKE THE MOVIE I WENT TO SEE IT THE DAY IT CAME OUT

HOLD ON RIGHT ????? FUCKING ?????? LIKE YES I GET KINDA WHAT HE MEANT SORTA?? like yeah it is gonna be work to constantly make something that will time after time please people that you do not know, but ALSO ERIN WAS RIGHT your job as a chef IS to make food people will eat and enjoy eating - sometimes thats a cheeseburger and skmetimes is that weird avant gaurde deconstructed food that only rich people want (BUT THEN COMES THE IMPORTANT BIT) THE CUSTOMER IS THE ONE WHO ORDERD IT (most the time)

if they irder a cheeseburger and are like no i dont like this, thats on the customer??? like yeah skmetime you just dont like a food dont be rude abt it

i like the movie because i like horror and also this movie is Not That Deep but i Choose to make kt a big deal to validate myself personally (i feel like i just had an emotional revelation or smth)

anyway i am now realizing this probably isnt what you meant but

fun movie and i like it!!! what did you think????!!!

it feels alot like cooking for people in a professional setting is a high pressure theatre, like i once spent i think iver an hour talking to this retired professional chef, and the stress and hazzards and just how hard it is to get into the industry???!

and so i get wanting repeat customers to atleast remember the name of one of your dishes. you have elevadted your cooking level - because some of the techniques used in cooking seriously require skill and practice and endlless amounts if effort - to the point that he has and its like... yeah i'd want the customer to remember the name of the dish i poured my blood sweat and tears into, and resenting the foodie community a bit? like he doesn't even get joy out of cooking for himself anymore whoch is such a fucking travesty!!! cooking is fun!!!!! cooking is fun!!!!!!! i love doing it and its fun and im so stupid proud of the things i make (most of the time lol) and to have to constantly make food at a high technical skill level day in and out for people who dont care to the point i gain no joy cooking for myself???? i think i might also snap

#asks #rin my beloved #this is incomprehensible and incoherent ik #sorry rin akssj #i am modertly tired ! #have more thoughts abt this actually ajsnsjaj

[someone1348]

It feels good to be back! Apologies on being so inactive on here I've never had time, this summer has been too much but i found some time and inspiration to write so here we are!

People in this: Ler!Ranboo, Lee!Tubbo

This is a somewhat Irl fic!

(Lore is mentioned but its not based on the actual dream smp lore story so don't worry none of what you are going to read ever happened! It just fit the story!)

Tw: none, well i guess the smallest amount of fear, but other than that nothing!

I hope you all enjoyyy again im so sorry! Enjoy the fic my friends! And feel free to leave some requests in the asks! :]

___________~☆°♡°☆°♡°☆~______________

Enderwalking In Real Life!

Tubbo was the happiest of people on the planet right now! His favorite person ever ranboo! Who he'd been playing minecraft with for years it feels like was here! In the Uk! With him!

He could actually see him, hug him, he was real and he was here with him! For a few months too! Its perfect! The world seemed to let the smaller exhale, this is all i need.

The younger smiled contently as he watched him game on the pc he had set up on stream awhile back for his actual meeting. The Taller suggested they do some lore so that's exactly what happened, they logged on together and got started on some lore!

The chat went wild as they saw their beloved Ranboo start enderwalking as the Beeboy and their kid Michael slept

"⊑⟒⌰⌰⍜ ⎎⍀⟟⟒⋏⎅⌇, ⊑⟒⏃⍀⏁"

He spoke as he wondered around not being aware enough to stop or understand what he was saying, he eventually walked all the way back home resting back in his husband's embrace.

End stream,

Tubbo laughed to himself, Ranboo tilted his head looking at him "what are you giggling about hmmm?~" a slight teasing tone was hinted making him giggle a bit more

"Noho I'm just saying you are alot like your character!"

"Yeah? How so?" The taller asked curiously as the other shot him a big smile

"You both sleepwalk!"

"Hmm, i guess enderwalking is like sleepwalking but it was a one time thing for me! Irl me that is"

"Pffft! You kidding man you do it every night!" Tubbo lightly hit his shoulder as Ranboo giggled too "do not!" Pushing him back lightly going at it like two kids arguing over who did what

It was a great moment that was quickly replaced with the idea of food and bed. It was quite late so they got some snacks before brushing their teeth and going to bed.

"Hey! Let me know Tommrow if i sleep walk again tonight i wanna track these things"

"You got it bossman! Nighttt!"

"Goodnighttt!!"

And just like that the two were out cold, nothing but the sound of the wind, some crickets, leaves rustling ever so slightly, andd ranboo sleep walking and making noise.

It was almost peaceful, normally Tubbo slept through Ranboo's nighttime antics but this time the noise was to much so he stayed up studying him to make sure the poor guy didn't hurt himself.

It was the normal for the most part, a few small words or sentences barely noticeable by the human ear, some moving of things, bumping gently into a wall, staring out into the distance

Things seemed quite well so when Tubbo was about to go back to bed that's when he heard it

"Tubbo"

The sleepwalking 6'6 man had turned from his position by the window and looked him dead in the eyes

Tubbo tilted his head, he's said his name before in this state but something about it felt different, off, the smaller was slightly unsettled that was before Ranboo got closer saying his name again, Tubbo didn't notice anything strange about his walking, he was definitely sleeping but this was just weird.

Ranboo got close enough to where he was right beside the known goat hybrid twitch streamer, trying not to wake him up because walking up a sleepwalker is extremely dangerous he whispered gently

"Yeah man"

That was when he caught it "Tubbo,,,,,GOTCHA!" Ranboo's long arm's shot down to tickle alll over the poor sleepy boy's sides, his shirt already a little up from sleeping earlier, his bare skin being attacked without any warning or anything he shrieked, thanking the universe that the room was sound proof

"RAHahaAhaHanbOO!" The brunette giggled in different pitches squirming around on his bed as Ranboo smirked giggling to himself before pretending to sleepwalk again with his speech as his wiggly fingers found there way under his shirt and up to tickle all over his ribs, although it was less ticklish it was still fun!

"Tickle tickle tickle tickle" Ranboo repeated to Tubbo in his sleepwalk tone

"I knohohow yohohour awaha-AHHAGSAH!"

Tubbo's speech was cut off when the said sleepwalker tickled his underarms with such skill it was alot more ticklish then normal maybe it was because he was tired or Ranboo's tricks but he was definitely alot more ticklish than he thought he would be!

"Awww thats so cute, I've caught myself a ticklish little Tubbo for the road! Tickle tickle tickleee~" he teased tickling his neck and ears Tubbo scrunching up giggling his head off

"NahaHAha no EAhahArs NohohO RahaHanbooo!!" Tubbo whined a bit as the man cooed even more

"Dawww that's so cute! Ticklish little ears, hehe Kitchy Kitchy coo~" he whispered in his other ear blowing some air at the end so it's extra Ticklish, 'he was definitely ler mode now' Tubbo thought to himself before covering his own face

Ranboo giggled and paused the tickling for a second "Aww is the lee embarrassed"

"Not a lehee! And no! You just caught me off gaurd!"

"Whatever you say lee~ now uncover your face i wanna see your smile or else~" the open threat made tubbo smirk under his hands refusing to take them off yet

"Or else what big man~" The smaller teased back before hearing an deep inhale of breath

"Wait! wait! WAit RAN-BAHAHAHA NAHAHAHAAHA PLEAHAHAHASE!!!" Tubbo had uncovered his face but

The taller enderboy blew a gaint raspberry on his stomach right over his bellybutton

"RAHAHAAHAHANBOO WAHAHAIT! NO- AHAHAHA PLEAHAHAHASE!!" Ranboo had now begun tickling the man's poor ticklish stomach with one hand scribbling and digging (gently) as the other slowly and teasingly made shapes and other things with his nails driving the smaller into a giggly mess

"HAHAHAHAHA RAHAHAAHAHANBOO!"

Tubbo's mind was so sleepy all he could think about was how much it tickled 'it tickles, it tickles eep!' He was happy, giggly, red faced, smiling but most importantly he was comfortable, physical contact isn't really his strong point he's trying but with ranboo he was safe, comfortable, this was good. He was good.

"Tickletickletickletickle Tktktktktktktk~" the scribbling got more and more hyper as Ranboo got more into the babytalk, laughing along with his best friend

"OKAHAHAY PLEAHAHAHASE IHIHIHIHIT TIHIHICKLES! MEHEHERCY!" He immediately stopped rubbing the tickles away,

"You alright bud? Im sorry if i went alittle overboard" the taller rubbed the back of his neck in slight embarrassment

"Naha you're good man, that was fun!" Tubbo's smile was genuine and that is exactly what Ranboo wanted to see

The taller sat down on Tubbo's bed next to him as the said boy kept talking now that he was breathing normally again "i can't believe you tricked me like that!" He giggled pushing Ranboo again both laughing happily together

"It was the perfect plan! Im just surprised it actually worked!"

"I was sleepy, plus you're a great actor!"

Ranboo giggled

"Well played my friend, well played" Tubbo giggled before knocking out from already being sleepy to now tickled to peices he was down, giggling again the american smiled contently tucking him in before going to bed himself.

That nights rest was the best one they've both had in a long time, the rustle of the leaves and the sound of the fan in the distance everything seemed perfect, it was the best, Together.

--------------------------------------------------

:]

I hope you all enjoyedd!!! Again im so sorry for all the inconveniences! I love you all! Drink some water, eat something today, take a shower, take at least one water bottle out of your room, and take care of yourself because you deserve it! You are loved, appreciated, stronger than you know and everything is going to be all good! Big hugs from me to you my friends! <3

#k writes tk things #mcyt tickle #dream smp tickle #dreamsmp tickle fic #lee!tubbo #ler!ranboo #beeduo meetup #bee duo tickle fic