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amwritesitall · 4 years

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Sarah Paulson AHS Characters as Hozier Songs

Masterlist

The gif is from the From Eden video

And yes you read the title correctly. This is a shit post because I’ve been listening to A LOT of Hozier as I write this week. I��m posting this as a second post for the day because I thought a lot of people wouldn’t like this so...

If I was feeling particularly inspired some characters got multiple songs. Not favoritism just my brain grooving. I vibed so hard with this post, but some of my reasoning is most likely very off because I’m definitely writing this from 1 am to 3:45 am. Probably will do another one similar to this with another artist though

Billie Dean Howard

“Work Song”

There's nothin' sweeter than my baby I'd never want once from the cherry tree 'Cause my baby's sweet as can be She give me toothaches just from kissin' me

When, my, time comes around Lay me gently in the cold dark earth No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her

Lady killer Billie Dean. This makes me think of how Billie would be in a relationship, loving intensely. You know no grave could keep Billie Dean from her lover.

“Talk”

I won't deny I've got in my mind now All the things I would do So I try to talk refined for fear that you find out How I'm imaginin' you

I'd be the last shred of truth In the lost myth of true love I'd be the sweet feeling of release Mankind now dreams of

I might be crazy, but this song feels sexual with the “I won’t deny I’ve got in my mind now all the things I would do.” Billie is a lady killer. She’s got many of these thoughts going through her head. I don’t know. This song just gave me Billie vibes.

Lana Winters

“Take Me to Church”

My church offers no absolutes She tells me "Worship in the bedroom" The only Heaven I'll be sent to Is when I'm alone with you I was born sick, but I love it Command me to be well

Probably a cliche, but if the shoe fits. I stand by my decision. This also fits perfectly into the setting of the season. Prime repressed homosexuality in the 60s. Lana Winters grew up in with an environment, inside and outside of the church, that told her the love she felt was wrong. No wonder the woman isn’t religious.

“No Plan”

My heart is thrilled by the still of your hand It's how I know now that you understand

There's no plan, there's no race to be run The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun There's no plan, there's no kingdom to come I'll be your man if you got love to get done Sit in and watch the sunlight fade Honey, enjoy, it's gettin' late There's no plan, there's no hand on the rein As Mack explained, there will be darkness again

My reasoning for “Take Me to Church” applies to this song as well. Lana isn’t a religious person. She probably doesn’t believe in any sort of after life, so she would want to make the most out of the love she has now. She will love hard while she can.

Cordelia Goode

“From Eden”

Babe There's something tragic about you Something so magic about you Don't you agree?

Honey, you're familiar, like my mirror years ago Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword Innocence died screaming; honey, ask me, I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

I feel like this song represents Coven Cordelia. This is Cordelia before she’s found her confidence. She’s struggling with finding herself, but she’s still drawing whoever the significant other in. Cordelia is an alluring, complex woman.

“NFWMB”

If I was born as a blackthorn tree I'd wanna be felled by you Held by you Fuel the pyre of your enemies

Nothing fucks with my baby Nothing can get a look in on my baby Nothing fucks with my baby

This has mad Apocalypse Cordelia vibes. I will fight anyone who disagrees. Cordelia is a bad ass bitch. The narrator would be the one describing Cordelia. Apocalypse Cordelia is intense as hell. No one can fuck with her. I wish I had a more in depth analysis for you, but it’s hard for me to explain it.

Bette and Dot Tattler

“Like Real People Do”

I will not ask you where you came from I will not ask and neither should you Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips We should just kiss like real people do

These gals just want a love “like real people.” They have been outcasts their whole life, so they want a love one day that is just like the love everyone else has.

Sally McKenna

“Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene”

Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion No more alone or myself could I be Lurched like a stray to the arms that were open No shortage of sordid, no protest from me

With her sweetened breath, and her tongue so mean She's the angel of small death and the codeine scene

This could also be seen as a stereotype, but there’s a deeper meaning to this selection. Sally herself at times can be addictive like the drugs she was addicted to. She draws people in.

“Sedated”

Any way To distract and sedate Adding shadows To the walls of the cave

You and I, nursing on a Poison that never stung Our teeth and lungs are lined With the scum of it

Another cliche pick since this one also involves drugs. However, I can elaborate further. Sally is dead. Sally wants to feel something and distract from her monotonous life in the Cortez. Drugs were an outlet before she was dead and before she got into social media, it was still an outlet even when she was dead.

“It Will Come Back”

Don't let it in with no intention to keep it Jesus Christ, don't be kind to it Honey, don't feed it, it will come back You know better, babe, you know better, babe Than to smile at me, smile at me like that You know better babe, you know better babe Than to hold me just, hold me just like that I know who I am when I'm alone I'm something else when I see you You don't understand, you should never know How easy you are to need

This one isn’t about drugs! To me, this song seems to describe how Sally loves. Once Sally loves you, you better not try to pull away. We’ve seen how she can be a possessive and intense and this song portrays that.

Audrey Tindall

“Would That I”

True that I saw her hair like the branch of a tree A willow dancing on air before covering me Under cotton and calicoes Over canopy dappled long ago True that love in withdrawal was the weepin' of me

With the roar of the fire, my heart rose to its feet Like the ashes of ash, I saw rise in the heat Settled soft and as pure as snow I fell in love with the fire long ago

For some reason this song just makes me think of Audrey? It was hard to find songs to fit her, but this one felt like it fit her vibe. I also feel like Audrey hasn’t always had smooth sailing with her love life. No matter how intense the love has been, it seems that it doesn’t stick.

“Shrike”

I'd no idea on what ground I was founded All of that goodness is going with you now Then when I met you, my virtues uncounted All of my goodness is going with you now

This song fits the reason why I picked the other song for Audrey. It’s about love that wasn’t fully appreciated until it was gone. This could definitely fit with her losing Rory so soon into their marriage and like I said earlier, I feel like Audrey has had a troublesome love life that has left her self conscious of herself in relationships, especially when it comes to her age.

Ally Mayfair-Richards

“To Be Alone”

Never feel too good in crowds With folks around, when they're playing The anthems of rape culture loud Crude and proud, creatures baying All I've ever done is hide From our times, when you're near me Honey, when you kill the lights and kiss my eyes I feel like a person for a moment of my life

This gives me big post-Ivy vibes for Ally. Like end of the season baddie Ally. This is Ally once she has found someone to love again, shown in the last four lines. She’s changed to a more confident woman, but it’s helpful to have someone there to support her. She is finally loved fully. I also feel like the first four lines fit her personality and beliefs as well.

Wilhemina Venable

“Wasteland, Baby!”

Wasteland, baby I'm in love, I'm in love with you And I love too, that love soon might end Be known in its aching Shown in the shaking Lately of my wasteland, baby Be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking Though quaking, though crazy That's just wasteland, baby

I’m not picking this one solely because it’s about a wasteland like the setting of season eight. I also feels like this could describe Mina’s insecurity with love as well and how she’s worried her significant other would leave. Love is scary for her and in my head this kind of describes it.

“Cherry Wine”

Her fight and fury is fiery Oh, but she loves Like sleep to the freezing Sweet and right and merciful, I'm all but washed In the tide of her breathing

The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine Open hand or closed fist would be fine The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine

I feel like this song describes Mina’s tough exterior, but the intensity of her love. I think she would be a bit hot and cold with a lover at first and I feel that this song captures that. At first I pictured this song for Billie Dean until I read the lyrics and they screamed Venable.

You might like: Sarah Paulson AHS Characters as Rex Orange County Songs or Sarah Paulson AHS Characters as Khalid Songs

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mieczyhale · 4 years

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A Taste of a Poison Paradise [not rated. wip. klave. vietnam] Peter isn't sure if he can get his men out of the mess they're in, but Klaus is sure he can help and so Peter is going to have to put his faith in a man who claims he can see the dead.

Ain’t Nobody’s Problem [not rated. klave. diego reaction] Klaus asks for help

Ain’t No Sunshine When You’re Gone [not rated. klave. typical hargreeve family nonsense] Klaus rarely defended himself. Especially from the ones he loved.Good thing Dave was here to defend him.

And When I Look In My Window, So Many Different People To Be [not rated. bamf!klaus. klave. typical hargreeves family nonsense] If you were to go looking for Klaus, you wouldn't look to the alleys where drugs are bought, or to a rave where you could lose yourself in dance, no. No, you would look to his garden full of protective herbs, to his bedroom at three in the morning where he tends to make magic amulets. Klaus grew into his power, both as a witch, and as the Séance.

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene [klave. vietnam] Klaus says so many horrifying things so casually, and it makes Dave worry.

Different as Can Be [not rated. klaus and five bein bros] Five and Klaus aren't as different as the others think.

Don’t You Cry For Me [not rated. klaus centric. good sister allison] Allison has returned to California for a few days, needing to get back to her life. She then got her hands on the many letters her siblings wrote her over the years and, having recently reunited with them, decided she'd finally read them. She wished she'd read them sooner

Dropped My Cassette Tape in the Bathtub [not rated. klaus centric. good hargreeves being good] Klaus is getting really tired of getting kidnapped. 0/10 would not recommend.

Eudora Explains it All [not rated. hargreeves family shenanigans] Eudora and Diego need a little help on a case, thankfully Diego knows someone who can talk to the dead.

Friends, I Too Feel the Temptation to Jump Aboard Passing Freight Trains and Journey to a New Life, but We Haven't Thought It Through [not rated. klave. agoraphobia. typical hargreeves family nonsense] After getting sober, Klaus found a new way to cope with the ghosts.

I Took a Week Off Work And My Brain Didn't Know What to Do With That, Clearly [not rated. klave. happy ending. apocalypse but like nah] Dave is shot and dies a week into Klaus' trip in Vietnam, when they're still barely more than just strangers. Somehow, it doesn't change a thing between them and the two still fall in love all the same, even with Dave being a ghost now. But it changes other things.

Let The Fire Breathe Me Back Into Life [not rated. klave. afterlife. feral!dave] Klaus doesn’t only meet Reginald when he dies. He'd thank God for that, but she had nothing to do with it.

Party Tattoos [not rated. klaus centric. pre-series] Vanya gets a visitor late at night, and comes to realize she never truly understood Klaus after all.

Put Your Records On [not rated. wip. klave] Klaus and Dave get their happily ever after.A story in four parts.

Scattered and Lost [not rated. klave. good hargreeves being good] Diego finds Klaus in a bad way and decides right then and and there that he was going to help his brother. Klaus meanwhile is too busy worried about Dave, who is missing.

Status Quo [not rated. klaus centric. typical hargreeves family nonsense] Klaus and Luther make a bet.Turns out, it wasn't a guaranteed win like Luther had expected.

The Glitter, Glass, and Blood [not rated. klaus centric. fives cares about klaus as god intended] Five is sitting next to Klaus in front of the MeriTech building and actually listens as Klaus talks about the osso buco guy.

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SERIES

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A Friend of Mine [not rated. klave. vietnam. time travel shenanigans] Phil had befriended Klaus when he time traveled to Vietnam, now in 2019 he gets to talk to his friend again.

Baby (You’ve Got What It Takes) [not rated. klave. parent!klaus. no powers au] Klaus finds the one person he's willing to get sober for: his baby boy, Jackson.

five times fics (mostly about klaus if we're being honest about ourselves, which we are) [not rated. klaus centric. typical hargreeves family nonsense] listen sometimes y'need some wholesome fluffly humor. so many angsty fics out there. we all need to smile from time to time and as one of those writers who writes those angstsy fics it is nice to write the wholesome fluffy humor so here y'go my friends

I’ll Dance Til I Die [not rated. klave. klaus centric. typical hargreeves family nonsense] Klaus is a Ghost Empath. He doesn't like it very much. The Ghosts Do.

Life in the City [not rated. wip. klaus centric. typical hargreeves family nonsense] Klaus befriends an older Italian man while he's a young homeless drug addict. It was honestly one of the best decisions he'd ever made.

Like Real People Do [not rated. wip. klave. good hargreeves being good] Klaus deafens himself and his life gets so much better. His siblings have mixed feelings about this.

Prepare for Boarding [not rated. klave. good hargreeves being good] Klaus has been mistreated in the past, but Dave wants to make up for it, wants to keep him safe and make sure he’s loved.

| @tuafeedbackfest | @obliqueoptimism | other authors |

#if you haven't read all of these - read all of these #s2g you will be blessed for life #tuafeedbackfest #tua fic rec #favauthors #maison speaks

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theopaquemind · 3 years

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Grief in all its Glory

Written: 10/08/2020

Posted 5/01/2021 - 4 years since Brandon’s passing.

Content warning: death, suicide, grief, drugs, addiction, swearing.

I recently came across a website for Australians to speak openly about grief. It was startling. Not what was said on it. But the fact that a website like that now existed. I’d never seen anything so open and frank before. What should be startling is that humans still live in this discomfort of talking about certain sadness's, bereavements, pains and anguish. The most inevitable experience is still faux pas - we all die, but talking about it is not altogether acceptable. Along the journey of life, there are other sadness’s and struggles which, once brewed in scalding waters of unsavoury conversation, now seep in tepid tolerance. For the most part, I refer to this broadly as ‘mental illness’, and while its garnered greater awareness, it is still riddled with stigma and misunderstanding. Similarly, discussions around addiction are typically soaked in the self-aggrandising dogma that this only happens to the lower echelons of society; those plagued by weaknesses that led to their inevitable misfortune. And then the doozy of ‘grief’ – talking about it makes many people uneasy; people hold an expectation that you transcend these melancholy confines in a swift enough fashion that you don’t leave them feeling uncomfortable. Yet, grief is unfortunately something every adult will likely experience at some point. Another scandalous topic is that of suicide, despite it sadly becoming an increasingly more and more common way of dying. Then there is the matter of suicide survivors – the one’s who must continue their life with a chasm formed by the absence and loss. Grief with the awareness that someone chose to die is something very staggering.

One of the things that I find most difficult when talking about mental health is that I am in part supporting a system that I do not have faith in. You can tell people that help is out there, but when it comes down to it, the mental health care system in Australia is wildly ineffective (globally, I daresay, and infinitely worse in many locations; however my experience is significantly with Australia so I’ll refrain from speaking too broadly). Worse, it can be even more detrimental than the ills that plague the human mind.

It is hard trying to get help when you need it. It is harder getting the right help. It is a battle. It is a challenge and sometimes it feels like the world is working against you. That's probably because it is, albeit not always intentionally. This is what happened to my brother, to my family, to me.

I should note that he was a very private person, with a strong distaste for the narcissistic realms of social media. I wholeheartedly acknowledge that I am possibly doing something so deeply against his wishes by speaking openly about him and the situation, but to be blunt, he lost the privilege of secrecy. Others too, may not agree with how I elect to narrate this, but from my perspective, you can’t grow awareness and fuel prevention without the discourse.

I understand that this is in part a unique occurrence that I will expand on, but because of this experience I was exposed to a great deal more stories of a similar nature where the health care system let people down. However, this isn’t an ‘all hope is lost’ memoir. To the contrary.

I have…had an older brother. His name was Brandon. He took his life at the age that I am while writing this - 29. Brandon saw mental health specialists. He did try to get better, although arguably not nearly hard enough. In fact, when I cleared out his room after his passing, I dug through the referrals and prescriptions. There was a blister pack of antidepressants. Without the other appropriate tools to recover, or at least to find a semblance of stability, anti-depressants can only do so much. By this point he had very evidently given up on these little dosages of ‘here-this-will-help-but-may-also-increase-your-risk-of-suicidal-ideation.’ Only one pill was missing. The anti-depressant was not in his toxicology report, although the post-mortem showed many, many other drugs. In clearing his room, I later read his journaling scrawls that he had found drugs that numbed his pain more effectively than anti-depressants. Some of these are ones that Brandon got hooked on due to an overzealous general practitioner. And then another general practitioner. His addiction began with prescription opioids and graduated with drugs acquired from the dark web including heroin and fentanyl, amongst other things. My family and I only found out about this after his passing.

TOXICOLOGY:

Codeine (free)

Codeine-6-glucuronide

Diazepam

Fentanyl

Mirtazapine

Morphine (free)

Morphine-3-glucuronide

Morphine-6-glucuronide

Nordiazepam

Oxazepam

Paracetamol

Pholcodine

Quetiapine

Temazepam

Tramadol

This part isn't altogether unique. We take suppressants to deal with pain…to deal with life. A hard day at work - have a drink. Can't sleep - have a vali. Can't survive the never-ending and all-encompassing pain - take it all.

The opioid problem in the US is significant and garners a fair amount of attention. It exists here in Australia, too. That is why legislation came into effect to further regulate practitioners from prescribing them. This took place about a year after Brandon’s death. This blanket restriction isn’t an entirely curative solution. There are those that genuinely need these medications for chronic pain who now must jump through hoops to get their treatment. There are those who still have the wherewithal to find a source, even if through illegal means (queue Brandon). This form of paternalistic legislation does not solve the problem at its root – why there is a mental health epidemic; where is society failing that the individual solution appears to be a sturdy dose of numbing or a leap of faith into the dark abyss. Opioids work in a manner of escalation. A dosage that was once satisfying does less and less. So, you need more and more. Price can also become a factor, so you salvage heavier shit for a lower cost.

Brandon wound up in hospital only a few days prior to taking his life. He had collapsed in my father’s kitchen. My dad thought he was losing him right then and there. An ambulance came and he was rushed to hospital. He had 'accidentally' taken too much tramadol. During this incident, the ambulance respondents commented in front of my younger brother on the visible track marks on Brandon's arms. Brandon was released from hospital the following day. Simple as that. My father didn't know that the foreboding premonition of losing Brandon would be the stark reality a few short days later as he tried to perform CPR on his eldest son.

The ambulance workers that saw Brandon's track marks would not have consciously made the choice to neglect a person who clearly needed help. But somehow, he fell through the cracks of a less than fastidious system. In some ways, learning about Brandon's history with prescription drugs was more difficult than his actual suicide. Learning how he had been failed was, and is, harder to come to terms with than the fact that he recognised he had been let down. The thing that came as a shock to Brandon's friends (and subsequently me) was that he did not die of an overdose. He did not take his life in that way. That is something I have battled with. He made a very different sort of deliberate effort in how he left us which I may never understand. That’s suicide though – you often don’t understand and are left wondering so many things.

We won't ever know if the tramadol overdose was intentional or not, but it was explained to me by my older brother as an 'oopsy-daisy' in an email. I was overseas at that time. Ironically, I took one tramadol tablet for my flight back and found the experience horrible and was sluggish for days after. The same day that I had recovered from my singular adventure with tramadol my brother made that irreversible choice.

I was at the pub with friends when Brandon made that fateful choice to dive into that dark void. I had missed calls on my phone from my mother. I called back and didn’t receive an answer. I later found out my younger brother and mother were debating just driving straight to me in order to not have to tell me over the phone. It was my younger brother's birthday that day and I had presumed they were contacting about that. I texted back that I was currently out and tried calling again. ‘Brandon hung himself’, my mum said. I dropped to my knees on the outskirts of the bar and wailed, ‘no’. In a daze I went back to my friends, grabbed my bag mumbling that my brother had killed himself. A friend walked me home. My mother and brother arrived some period of time after. I still don't understand how my mother was capable of driving. She drove us to my dad's house where the suicide had occurred. We weren't permitted near that section of the house and the police referred to it as a 'crime scene'. We sat outside the house as a family, coming in and out of tears and shock.

At one point I had to go to the bathroom and went up around the other side of the house – the side that wasn’t deemed part of the crime scene. Through the glass I saw my brother lying on the cold stone floor with a neck brace on and a sheet pulled midway up his chest. I went to the bathroom and vomited. I stared at my face with mascara smeared everywhere and recognised that while I looked so distraught, that was possibly the most peaceful I'd seen my brother in a long, long time. I took some breaths and went back to my family. I have never really been able to leave my family since that point. I will have panic attacks if I can't reach one of them, thinking that something bad has happened. That is part of the PTSD of losing a loved one in a shocking way.

On my family's healing journey, we attended suicide survivor groups. At these I heard other tales of the health care system having failed them and/or their loved ones. One that stuck with me the most was a suicide in the middle of a hospital ward while under 24/7 suicide watch. On my personal healing journey, I've had several problematic run-ins with the health care system. To name a few:

I had a psychologist tell me that Brandon's choice to take his life in the family home was a sign that he blamed the family. Guilt is such a huge thing that follows a suicide. Psych 101 is alleviating that form of mental anguish for suicide survivors. That mental health practitioner failed at the first hurdle. Despite me having the knowledge that you cannot blame yourself, having someone - who is meant to understand the human mind, with all the complexities of grief and guilt – tell you that you are blamed is a pretty heavy cross to bear. I had found Brandon's parting note. It was on stained paper, written a long while ago. On it he said that he was sorry, but the pain was too much. A psychologist I had sat in a room with for all of 15 minutes told me that he blamed us. A sister riddled with guilt that she didn't save her brother. Brandon said a lot of things, but Brandon did not outright blame us. Still, in most ways, he did not say enough.

Sitting in anger about Brandon's introduction to prescription opioids, I had a different psychologist tell me that I shouldn't make noise because it would cause me more distress, that people can't change and the system won't change so it's best I change my view on things. That was her response to most things. No inclination to think that holding someone accountable for some of Brandon's struggles would have offered me enormous relief. One of his original GPs died two weeks prior to writing this. I honestly felt a sense of liberation but also a sense of loss, primarily because I never got to lambast them. Only last week did I learn that the best avenue would have been to make a complaint via the Health Care Complaints Commission so that this GP would not make the same grave errors. That would have potentially changed a person and a segment of the system, as well as maybe saving others from addiction. But in a system where health care providers would prefer you don't 'rock the boat' it's better you just sit quietly in your grief.

I have struggled with this loss. I wasn't close with Brandon anymore. We had a dysfunctional relationship and I had honestly largely tried ridding my life of him. Subsequently, as mentioned, I felt overwhelmed with guilt. I myself turned to ways to numb this feeling. I drank too much and partied more. I made reckless choices, acted rashly, behaved erratically. A psychiatrist put me onto medication to help me deal with these stages of grief. This is now a medication that I have been unable to get off because of the withdrawal side-effects. The mental health industry prefers a quick-fix solution such as medication. It appears as though they are making effective progress. Brandon's pain was 'effectively' dulled by opioids. My grief was 'effectively' subdued with medication rather than giving me the tools to process the grief and miss my brother in whatever way I needed to. I’ve learned the hard way, but the greatest remedy for some of the most common forms of mental illness doesn’t come in the form of a pill. It is habitually changing the way you think, how you perceive yourself, how you see the world. There are tools and techniques you can learn to make these changes, and these are not measured in milligrams or dosage frequencies. They do not have side effects. Tell a depressed person that one of the potential side effects of their anti-depressant is to experience depression and see how much hope you give that down-trodden soul.

Grief is a peculiar thing. It can come in waves. It can come in so many ways. But something I can definitively say is that you can be stronger than the grief and you can be strong enough to survive, whether the system lapses or not. I am testimony to that.

To mental health generally, in the end, only you can make the best decisions for yourself. That choice is yours. Yes, addiction can make that a whole lot harder, and the crutch can create a cyclic pattern in a self-fulfilling prophecy of defeat. A lot of external factors can impact your choices and make it more challenging to make the right decisions. But you’ve been through harder things. To climb out of those dark places is entirely within you. Sometimes you don’t have great footing to help get you out, be it the health care system, employment strife, financial burden, or friends letting you down. But it doesn’t mean that the required strength isn’t still inside of you. YOU have that strength. YOU have all that within you. You need to see that power in all its glory and grace, and you will see that your situation can, and will change. The first step to that change is what you decide to do.

Yes, I am placing blame on the shoulders of some others besides Brandon, while in a contradictory fashion saying you make your own choices. That’s another thing about grief – you want to assign blame somewhere. So, for clarity, Brandon made his choice and might have made it irrespective of the system. But our broken system sure as hell got him there prematurely, not even seeing 30.

I have shared this because I absolutely know that it is hard. That it is not always easy to get help. That the system is fucked. But that is not enough reason to give up. I sit here in my anger and sadness that the system let both my brother and me down countless times. But it is still not enough reason to give up. You can always be stronger and will get back up. Each. And. Every. Fucking. Time. Some people have said to me that it’s impossible to get better, that they can’t be fixed, that they can’t find help that works. There are many different ways of getting help, and if the ‘traditional’ mechanisms of speaking to a shrink doesn’t float your boat then it doesn’t mean all hope is lost. On the contrary – you’ve found one approach that doesn’t aid you and the process of elimination on your mental health journey should be valued. Knowing what doesn’t help can sincerely lead you to learning what does help.

I have also shared this because this is just a small portion of what losing someone to suicide does. This is the honest truth of what grief looks like. I recognise and admit that I have struggled so much with it. As I said, Brandon and I weren’t even close anymore. This is the pain that I feel from losing a dysfunctional sibling relationship. Do not think that you won’t leave people in agonising pain, no matter your relationship with them.

A further reason why I’ve written this is what I alluded to at the start – these are topics that people don’t like to talk about or hear about. But this is reality. These conversations are fucking triggering and upsetting. Hell, it’s taken a god damn lot of strength for me to write this. However, the more we elect to not talk about what’s wrong with the world, these social maladies will continue under the cloak of secrecy, the guise of accepting the status quo, and within the nonchalant notion that we can’t change things.

The final reason for why I’ve shared this is for my own personal growth and to voice some anger and dissatisfaction. I am so tired of the way the world operates. The abuse of power. The legitimisation of harmful actions in the name of greed. You don’t need to spend $490 (not an exaggeration, this is an actual amount) for 45 minutes at a psychiatrist’ office to ‘get better’. Being told that costly drugs are your only cure isn’t the singular answer. Not banking your hope for a tranquil mind on external sources should be a part of psych 101. It’s a hard fucking slog, and I get to say this from my ivory tower of white privilege. Likewise, my older brother won’t fit the stereotyped bullshit of a lowly sort destined for failure who succumbed to addiction. He wasn’t deprived of finances and destitute; he was extremely intelligent and had potential beyond belief. The ineptitude of the mental health system might fail us privileged ones, but the collateral damage is far greater than just us. Quite often those who are struggling the most do not have the financial stability to even contemplate these forms of ‘solutions’. It is a mental health system supported by greed and the foundations of neoliberalism. If we are forced to adhere to this approach – that the onus is always on the individual to better their personal situation – then use this to your advantage. Say fuck the system, I’ve got this with or without you. I am a strong human and I will carry myself through.

There are some ugly things being put on full display because of Covid19. But there are also some good things that you can't lose sight of. We might feel alone, either physically or mentally, but I promise you that you are not. Please get in touch if you need to talk and I will be there. Sometimes even a stranger can extend a kindness to you that you so desperately needed. This is a huge part of why I always say to be there for the people in your life. There is something so significant that loved ones can provide. Although, this is just the icing on the cake of what a gift your life is. You don’t need this affirmation and support from others because you’ve bloody well got this on your own. Albeit, it sure does help having someone care, so don’t forget that part when you’re given the opportunity to be kind to someone else. We are all part of a thriving organism called society that breathes and glistens on the basis of human connection and the human experience. It reaffirms that we are not alone. You are not alone, even when you feel as though you are.

That voice calling for calm or a cessation to the pain isn’t asking for the dark abyss; it’s asking you to stand up and fight the battle worth fighting. Your life is worth fighting for, even against an invisible enemy.

#mentalheathawareness #mental health #addiction #suicide #mental heath support #lovelife #suicide awarenes #suicide prevention

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stillhvrny · 4 years

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´ ･ . ✶ ⧼ phoebe tonkin, cis female, she & her / the angel of small death and the codeine scene by hozier + oversized t-shirt containing the entirety of the 'cool girl' monologue over a lacy black thong, sheer black tights that have been pulled at all the seams with the shadow of ouroboros inked high on pallid thigh, chipped nail polish and fingers covered in dirty bandaids and stubbed out cigarettes in an overflowing ashtray & the best faked orgasm a man could hope for ⧽ ━━ don’t look now, but that’s MONICA LAUREL "NIKKI" BARTON. the TWENTY SIX year old NEWBORN VAMPIRE has been here in seattle for no time at all, and is considered a member of VICTORIA'S ARMY / MENACE TO SOCIETY. they’ve always been SELF RELIANT & RELENTLESS, but i guess this town just brings out the worst in people ; apparently, they’ve been way more SARDONIC & REACTIVE than usual. it wouldn’t surprise me if they knew what was going on. redirect to her stat page HERE & her pinterest board HERE.

isn’t all that rage so ugly? and isn’t it mine, still? good god, isn’t it MINE?

SECTION ONE OF TWO: BULLET POINT HISTORY trigger warnings: talk of alcoholism, drug abuse & dealing, death, murder, jail, physical assault / abuse and attempted rape

only daughter of bernard barton ( a barely functioning alcoholic ) ad jacqueline taylor ( a barely functioning addict of whatever she could get her hands on quickest ), MONICA LAUREL BARTON was born on the fifth of october, 1993, in forks, washington.

up until she was three years and two months old, monica lived with both her mother and her father in a rundown farmhouse that sat on the edge of town, inherited by bernie following his parents death, and that had certainly seen better days. it was never perfect - but in those first few years that flew by all too quickly, there was a sort of balance. it worked. bernie had his issues ; an abusive father and a negligent mother had brought a boy destined to seek answers at the bottom of a bottle into this world, and not even their death when he was in his early twenties could help curb the damage already done. jackie had HERS ; she ran away at sixteen from a homelife that left something to be desired. but they were trying their best to create a family, and they got props for their efforts. jackie had been clean for six months. bernie had been more on the wagon than he had been in twenty years. and then - like so many addicts before him, and so many more that would come after - he fell off of it again in a spectacular fashion, going on a weekend bender that didn’t come to an end until he stumbled in on a tuesday morning right before monica was meant to be dropped to preschool. he toppled into and knocked the rickety kitchen table and proclaimed, loudly, that the baby could have a day off to spend with her pops - and as jackie tried to hold her out of his each ( and the range of his alcohol soaked breath ), she had an epiphany. she couldn’t do this anymore. monica deserved better.

she had two bags packed with essentials just a handful of hours later, and after loading up their shared car, left with monica in tow - never stopping to look back or reconsider the decision that she was making. they settled in port angeles.

she’s four, five, six, and her memory of her dad is DIM, if not completely gone. she’s growing up, fast, and jackie can barely keep up - and sometimes, barely keep it together. a prescription pill here and there takes the edge off enough to get by, and she knows that it isn’t monica’s fault ; kids are difficult, and she just didn’t realize how HARD it would be, alone. monica is walking and talking and conversing, now, and she asks sometimes where her dad is and why he’s never come to anything important - she imagines, like every little kid in her situation would, all the things that he would do and all the things that she would show him, and yet when he turns up out of the blue in a wrinkled old suit, a court order in hand that says he now gets supervised visitation... she’s suddenly struck shy.

it takes a lot of those supervised visits for her to open up to him. he’s not exactly what she had imagined her dad would be like - he doesn’t always know how to respond and he never has any ideas for the games that they can play in their few hours together - but she makes do. she realizes he doesn’t know the rules of MONOPOLY or the life game, so she asks him to read to her instead, and over the next few years they get through a lot of books that way, together. it was nice.

she was eleven when her mom died. she came home from school early, and she didn’t get a reply when she shouted her greeting. she searched all of their tiny house, jackie nowhere to be found, and when she came to the bathroom door that wouldn’t budge, she knew she had to call someone. the first person to come to mind was her dad. she remembers sitting on the steps out front while he broke down the door that was locked from the inside. she remembers his shout, and then his cries, and then, a little while later, the ambulance sirens as they pulled up at the house - but it was too late. when she thinks back now, she understands the word ‘OVERDOSE’. at the time, it didn’t really click.

a lot of things had to be smoothed over, following that. she couldn’t just go home with her dad - no matter how much she cried and begged as the cops had led her to their car, kicking and screaming and biting, to wait for social services. over the months that followed, she was shuffled from foster home to foster home while bernie fought the courts. she wasn’t a prime adoptee, so he had that in his favor, but there was a lot of hesitancy in allowing him full custody when he hadn’t had that sort of access to her since she was three years old. it took them two years, in the end, to decide that he would be a suitable guardian.

they made a triumphant return to the now nearly uninhabitable barton farmhouse in forks, where she hadn’t lived in years, and as they pulled up in their little car, he had turned to her with a BRIGHT EYED smile and said they could fix it up, together. just like he and her mom had, years before. the caravan they moved into two months later when the roof finally collapsed was only supposed to be temporary. spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

in spite of that, they had a few months of perfect serenity. for a while, bernie really did hold it all together, and monica got to just be a KID. then he fell off the wagon again - like clockwork - and things changed. they always had a small amount of peace before a great amount of chaos, and over time, monica learnt to be the grown up in their relationship. she was old enough now to know that it wasn’t right, but young enough, and with just enough experience of how CRUEL the system could be, to know she didn’t want to go back to it. sure, it wasn’t great. but she was with her dad. that counted for something, right?

fast forward again. she was a bratty fifteen year old with a tongue sharp as a knife and a new name, now ; given to her by the first boy she let past her underwear - NIKKI. more out of school, now, than she was in it, she’s a party girl. at first, she drank at them to be a part of the in crowd that never did accept her, and then, she took someone up on the offer of something a little stronger that would ‘help her have a good time’, and THEN... well. it was only a short amount of time before she started taking a lotof something stronger when she realized it would help her get through sleepless nights and monotonous days when she was taking care of her father and making money in the last deadend job she had instead of going to school. she was far too young to be so exhausted, and taking on all these roles that she shouldn’t have had to, just to get through life, and they didn’t really have all that much money, so when a friend of another ex tells her about a job she could do INSTEAD of waitressing or delivering papers, she was all for it.

the first time she meets callum maarx, it’s in a denny’s parking lot. he’s more than ten years her senior, and she’s flattered by the attention that this overly charismatic man offers her. they shake hands and his touch lingers, and she’s honored, really, when he calls her PRETTY. touched when he says that he knows she’s a smart girl. she was. but not smart enough to say no to the man who would eventually ruin her life.

she assured herself with thoughts like ‘at least i’m not dealing’. it wasn’t so bad when she wasn’t the one working on a street corner and waiting for people to drop by. she was just moving gear place to place - delivering to port angeles, mostly, sometimes catching a bus to seattle depending on who was buying. she would skip school for days in a row to get the job done, and she never knew for sure where she was going or what she was doing until she got a text to say where she was needed, but she didn’t really want to know, either. something told her, even then, that the less she knew about what she was doing, the better. she was sixteen and three months old when she decided that she was dropping out of school to work with callum full time.

it didn’t really take long for her to realize he got paid a whole lot more than what she originally thought, based on her ‘wage’. she had been grateful, of course... at least at first. but she got greedy. she was trusted, by then, enough that she thought she could get away with skimming a little powder off the top in lieu of paying for her own growing habit - and she got a black eye for her efforts, and a tarnished reputation that would come back to bite, later.

she was a mule and an addict. she was trailer trash, too, something she had always been bullied for - but there were worse things, she realized. back then, though, she still had HOPE. she believed the best of people. when her high school invited her back for prom, nikki knew it was a mistake to go, but she had never been to a DANCE - and she really, truly, thought that it would all be OKAY. she goes in a dress that probably cost a lot when it was new but was a hand me down, and when she gets there, she flies under the radar - keeping to herself, and really attempting to ENJOY the night. she gets voted prom queen. she protests, but the crowd is impossible to push against, all the fellow students she had left behind making her head towards the stage where the head cheerleader, the SHOE IN, declares her WHITE TRASH QUEEN and shoves a scepter made of beer cans into her hands while her friends place a crown made of crushed up same atop the curls she had spent too long putting in place. she had always been quick to RAGE. always had trouble, keeping herself in line. her first instinct was to throw both back at the girls who had given them and exit for the nearest bathroom, to cry. her second, as discovered an hour later, when the would have been prom queen went looking for her boyfriend, was to bang the prom king in the backseat of his car. her third, ejected from the prom once and for all, was to head to CALLUM’S PLACE and ask for something STRONGER. something she had never TAKEN before. that night is the first night she tried coke. it’s not the last.

she turned nineteen. it felt like every weekend, she was bailing bernie out of the local jail. she was still running drugs and during the days when she WASN’T being a MULE she was working as a chef in a shitty two star restaurant that hadn’t seemed to care she had no qualifications to be working around food. she was working on her GED, and she was taking online courses because a part of her was hoping she could still make something of herself, but she was acutely aware, now, of the fact that she was living a life no one would have been proud of.

now she was of the legal age, her dad would disappear a lot with his friends for days - sometimes weeks at a time. he would BLOW through their savings quick as could be, and she resented him for it. the jobs she was doing for callum were more often, now, and when she came home, she hated being confronted with her dad and his “friends” ( she learned the airquotes around that word the first time one of them put his hand on her ass ) but she can’t leave the town. her reputation has been built, and she knows she could never really leave behind her own “friends” ( she’s always known the airquotes that are there, ever since that first time callum was suspicious of her - every so often he would get it in his head that she must have stolen from him, and she had broken ribs and fingers, bruised eyes and chipped teeth aplenty to show for what had happened each and every time ) - and something... something had to give. she was nearing her twentieth birthday, and she was tempting fate. she really should have known that, but it was hard to think of a life she had gotten so embroiled in as even being that much of a danger to her, anymore. that was her mistake.

here is the truth: a guy from seattle, a loyal customer of nearly eight years, had finally hit the bottom of what had seemed like an endless supply of money to waste. he had 2,000 of a 3,000 bill - meaning he was 1,000 short. nikki didn’t realize. it wasn’t her job to count all the money she was being given - she just had to get it from a to b.

here’s the truth that callum convinced himself of as he drove to her farmhouse at 3:40 am that same night, FURIOUS: she had obviously been given the full amount by his loyal customer, and she’d taken a grand and hoped he wouldn’t notice.

her dad was out, drinking somewhere in town, or maybe already safe in a jail cell for the night. she didn’t know. a part of her didn’t care, either. she was asleep on the couch when he pulled up outside. when the furious banging had started on the door she had assumed that it was her dad, after forgetting his keys again. him, or the cops, hauling his ass home.

sleepily, she had gotten up and went to open the front door - but as soon as the lock was undone, it was pushed VIOLENTLY into her, and she couldn’t regain her balance in the time that it took for callum to launch himself at her. they fell, him on top, his weight CRUSHING. he had always had a temper. a BAD ONE, like HER. she hadn’t always known - had once thought him CHARMING - but all the injuries she had ever been given at his hands, all the times she had found herself in a&e over the years since she had started working for him, they could all attest to the truth. this was different, though. this was MURDEROUS, a kind of rage that she had NEVER seen before, and it was obvious that before they got to the finale, he had thought of one OTHER way that he could make back the money he thought she had stolen.

nikki wasn’t much of a fighter. she had never been formally trained, sloppily using her fists to solve her problems, but never really knowing how to land her shots PROPERLY. but she was a SURVIVOR. that had shown itself clearly enough throughout the years. she had survived the system for the two years she was in it. she had survived her dad, and her life, and she had pulled together SOMETHING out of nothing for herself. even SHITTY, her life was her own. she struggled beneath him and he hit her, over and over, but between it, he was finding a way to begin tearing at her clothes - making his way THROUGH them - and gods, she wasn’t going to let this happen. she REFUSED. there was an old iron doorstop in the front hall, that had been in the house since her grandparents had owned it. things were happening FAST, he was already at her underwear, she could barely move, but she stretched her arm as much as she could, grimacing through the pain, and she REACHED, and REACHED, and strained her fingers as far as they could go -

she was a SURVIVOR. she wasn’t going to die. she wasn’t going to let him get what he wanted, either. she doesn’t remember actually hitting him with it. she doesn’t remember how she KEPT hitting him with it, tears streaming down her face, until he fell away from her and she was able to move away. he wasn’t moving. a half an hour later, she was sat on the front steps of her house, just like she had when she was eleven. WAITING. except this time, she was drenched in blood and tears and waiting on the cops that she had called, not her dad, and the person that was dead inside wasn’t her mum, but CALLUM.

she didn’t expect a fair trial. no one could blame her that, could they? she had put the book in their hands, and she expected for them to lob it at her, full force - the trailer trash daughter of an alcoholic, who got too caught up in a dangerous world. she was the perfect young offender. shockingly, the evidence spoke in her favor. in the end, she was sentenced fairly quickly, but it was ruled justifiable homicide. she felt numb, in the stand. as they read her sentence - four years max, two with good behaviour - she realized she should have been crying. someone had given her a break. she should have felt good about that, but... really, she just felt empty.

two years passed quickly. nikki kept to herself. she tried to keep herself out of trouble. for the most part, she succeeded - well enough that, soon enough, she was being pushed out the side door clutching what she’d been signed in with, blinking in early morning light and wondering what the hell she was going to do with her life now. her twenty second birthday was only a few months away, and her dad was nowhere to be found when she returned to forks ; dipped out of town before she had even been sentenced. the farmhouse was chilly and unwelcoming, and people didn’t WANT to employ someone like her. she took the first job she could - back in that shitty restaurant, waitressing for the most part and trying to work out what to do with the rest of her life, on the side.

she meets the young upstart when she spills soup on him. the towns youngest detective probably didn’t realize how BAD a restaurant it was when he decided to bring his tinder date there for a meal, and nikki’s sure she only made it worse by ruining his knit jumper and scalding his back. she feels pretty bad about it, too, though she also refuses to take responsibility ; someone left a bag out, and she tripped over the strap. he leaves without compensation but with a grumpy apology. she doesn’t understand why he bothers to come back, but a week later - there he is. and he’s not looking on tinder, anymore. he waits until her shift is done and then offers to buy her dinner. they go somewhere not too far away, and they share a bottle of wine over a considerably better quality meal.

that first night, when they stumble through the door of his apartment and just manage to get it shut behind them, she’s quick to tell him that it’s just SEX. she repeats that sentiment every time after, though she does stick to her guns in REFUSING to put a label on what they become. it’s been so... long, since nikki felt a connection with somebody. she doesn’t even want to acknowledge that she feels one with him - but he makes it so easy. he is newer than she is to town, and at first she thinks that he just... never heard about her, or her family, or what happened. when she finally tells him herself - an act of self sabotage, the belief being that he would surely run in the opposite direction - she finds that, of course he knew all along. he just didn’t care.

they see other people, and that works for a while - but eventually, jealousy wins out. nikki is not the best at monogamy, and he can’t say he’s ever really tried ; but after nearly two years of being what they are, it’s time to face facts. they’re in love, and there isn’t much they can do about it.

it defies understanding - but they work. the convict and the police detective. unlikely pair, for sure, but she makes him smile and he brings peace to who she’s become. they argue, sometimes pettily, but at the end of the day they can usually admit fault or move on - and she’s never wanted to be worthy of someone so GOOD, ever, in her life. callum left a stain on her, she thinks. something that she’ll spend a lifetime trying to erase - it was so hard to trust someone, after, but she trusts him. she LOVES him.

the last time they spoke was an argument. something stupid. she made sure to slam the door of his apartment - hers, too, in all but deed - and spent the night back at the farmhouse, a place that she only visits when necessary, by now. he calls. she ignores. the next day, she gets ready and drives to seattle to get him a gift for his upcoming birthday - figuring that they’d make up later in the night, like always, and things would be FINE. it gets dark earlier than she’s expecting, and she kind of misplaces her car. the city is unfamiliar, and she thinks that she’s taking a shortcut when she heads down one side street.

nikki isn’t sure why she was the one. why those three guys chose to attack HER, out of everyone in the city that night. at first, she thinks it’s a mugging, and she almost wants to laugh ; if they want money from her, they’re not going to find much. but that’s not what they have in mind, and she realizes this as one of them pushes her against a brick wall with all his strength and the others begin.. tearing at her. she’s vicious in defense of herself, her mind filled with the memory of CALLUM, though this time, she doesn’t have a doorstop to grab for. this time, she mightn’t...-

she doesn’t see where he comes from, but all of a sudden, there is a boy, and he shouldn’t be ENOUGH, except he is, and the men hurting her, trying to do more...- they’re not a match to him. nikki’s knees buckle, and she falls to the floor. when he’s finished, he turns red eyes on her - reaching out a hand, after a moment passes, and offering it to her. she doesn’t realize what TAKING it means.

the pain of transition is NOTHING to the thirst when she awakes. riley turns her himself ; seeing something savage, there, something USEFUL. she just wants to go back to the home she’s grown used to, but...- but she realizes, quickly, it isn’t possible.

SECTION TWO OF THREE : HEADCANONS

it’s always the spouse, right? nikki has no idea that her disappearance has caused something horrible to happen, back home, and that her LONG TERM ( ex ) partner is now under investigation for murder. nikki lived like a slob on the best of days, so the apartment seemed to be the sight of something - and the fact he freely admitted to a fight didn’t help. she really is... the amy elliot dunne of equinox.

nikki had been sober for six months and counting when she was turned, and frankly - this is the EXACT sort of thing that would have resulted in a relapse, except... you know. she can no longer get high.

she’s a rly sexual person, and a lot of that rly leads back to her... really not being aware that there’s other ways in which to display that sort of care, for people. it’s always been all or nothing, and nikki only really started to learn that it didn’t have to be in the past few years.

when it came to an argument, nikki was always the child who jumped straight to violence, and never to calm words. she used her FISTS to solve her problems - she pulled hair, she used her teeth, she would do what she had to. again i say, no formal training ; but she has always been a survivor.

she’s all... leather jackets and short skirts / shorts. all of the pairs of tights she owns ( sheer black or fishnets ) are pulled at the seams and have gaping holes in them, and most of her t-shirts and crop tops say something terrible on them ( ranging from ‘make a girl cum for once’ to ‘jesus wouldn’t do coke in the bathroom’ to the cool girl monologue ). she’s never rly lost her sense of #style

nikki has a bunch of tattoos, including but not limited to: a black and white sunflower on her right forearm, ouroboros on her left thigh, ‘i know my rights’ on her side, a cross on her left knee, ‘eat me’ on her pelvis and a rose between her tits. she also has septum and belly button and six piercings in each ear, though she had been in the process of allowing most of those to close up to really begin embracing her new ‘wearing hoop earrings large enough they might just graze her shoulder’ aesthetic

SECTION THREE OF THREE : WANTED CONNECTIONS

so many. since she ( kinda )grew up in forks, the small town world is your oyster !

she could def have some distant relatives ( give me .. cousins ), and i wld love her dad and herself to be classed as the black sheep of the family tbh

i feel like i have so many chars w this specific connect but... foster fams she lived with during the two yrs she was bouncing around a bit !

literally any kind of small town connect u can think of. coworkers, friends, enemies, people who wld buy off her, ppl who knew the guy she killed

the guy she slept with at prom - he was voted prom king, dating the girl who crowned nikki ‘white trash queen’,,, kinda lowkey got used, but it wld be a fun one

hell. also that chick

ppl she was in jail with lmao

flings ! ex especially, but i wld really be down wth one ( 1 ) purely physical vampire heightened emotions fling

#equinox.intro #˚ 　　biography 　 .　　 . ⊹ parts of her died in the house she grew up in.

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kxngdombythesea · 5 years

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Why William Beckett IS A Likable Character

If you don’t know, the character William Beckett (Brendon’s best friend who’s most prominent in Volume I), doesn’t have a happy ending. In Anna Green’s FAQ on her LiveJournal, she shared this:

So he didn’t exactly have the best life after The Followers’ disbandment, although he did finally come out after multiple characters in Over The Tracks (Volume I) assuming he was gay. It was never said outright in the first book that he came out, as it ends with the infamous bus crash.

William, in THROAM, is built to be a hated character. He always tells Brendon not to be with Ryan, and how much of an asshole he was. He even visited Ryan in the hospital after the crash to tell him to never speak to Brendon again.

There is, however, good reason for him to not like Ryan that much. William had known Brendon for a while and considered him a best friend. At this point, William had already been touring with The Followers for a few years, and had undoubtedly seen how much of a general asshole Ryan was to everybody, including groupies, techs, bandmates, interviewers, even his own girlfriend, Jac Vanek.

With the knowlegde of Ryan’s behavior, of course he would be upset when Brendon developed a crush. It’s not that he didn’t want them together out of spite- he didn’t want an already-hurt Brendon to be hurt more by a douchey, celebrity player.

When Ryan crashed the bus in ‘74, William was someone included on said bus. This was a huge turning point for the story, as this was the last straw for The Followers’ impending breakup, a near-death experience for everyone, and the reason that Ryan becomes addicted to codeine in Volume II. In a later scene, Ryan describes how William though Spencer (a man who he most likely considered a close friend), was dead. *if someone has a screenshot of this sentence/paragraph please pm it to me!!*

So William was almost killed by the man his best friend was in love with, and has reason to be upset. God forbid Brendon had still been on the bus, and he could’ve been killed.

Sadly, as some don’t know, William doesn’t live as long as the other characters, dying of AIDS in 1984/85. In the ficlet, “Los Angeles, 1984,” it is revealed that William was deathly ill, and Ryan knew, but Brendon did not.

This, as we can take from William being an openly gay man in the 70’s-80’s, was AIDS, an incurable disease most common amongst gay men. Arguably the most famous person to ever die from AIDS was Queen singer Freddie Mercury.

How William got AIDS isn’t much of a mystery. It could’ve been from Carl, his former on/off lover, a random hookup, another anonymous boyfriend, etc.

My friends, @overthetrxcks and @incorrectthroam have discussed the idea of- get ready for this- Freddie Mercury giving William AIDS. *Warning- the next paragraph is to be taken in a non-serious manner. Freddie Mercury’s death, or anyone else’s death or sufferance from AIDS is not a laughing matter.*

We all know how Brendon I famously hooked up with legendary rock star David Bowie in THROAM, Volume I. Who’s to say that David didn’t introduce Brendon to Freddie, who ended up being introduced to William? Again, this is a joke, and should be taken as one.

It is understandable how William was a troubled man, because he had a troubled life. He is really one of my favorite characters, and to see so many people hate on him for trying to protect people is kinda sad, ngl.

Tell me what ya think.

xoxoAverie

#ryan ross #brendon urie #william beckett #ryden #aids #throam #the heart rate of a mouse #the followers #anna green #patd #panic! at the disco

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relucant · 5 years

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cut for oceans of personal salt in an attempt to not punch a wall (again)

so over the weekend, i drove my mother down to see her sister -- who is very much dying -- for her 80th birthday. which is an incredibly depressing experience for both obvious and less obvious reasons, but it was also obviously the right thing to do, so like, i didn’t want to, but did not resent doing so.

and my back, which is always fucked up but has been more so the past week or so, really did not like driving for three-plus hours twice in three days, and by the time we got home sunday evening had gone completely thrown out, and has pretty much been excruciatingly painful in any position except completely flat on my back since then.

which sucks balls, but it happens, and at least this time it didn’t happen in a hostel in fucking albania where i was then very very nearly fed codeine by an extremely well-intentioned roommate, to which i am very very allergic and would almost definitely and ended up with me in an albanian hospital, so like, there’s that. (almost also was fed codeine in a chilean hospital despite obviously listing my allergies -- or allergy, since it’s my only known one -- and only barely noticed and had to figure out how to say “omg no i am allergic” in spanish which i don’t really speak, which wtf world stop it with the codeine)

except. except. the a/c unit in my room is very old and has been making dying noises for a while, and whenever i am here i have been gently (and, admittedly, increasingly less gently) reminding my mother that it would probably make a lot more sense and be far less expensive to start looking to replace it before it totally dies in the middle of florida summer, and/or starts leaking all over my bed and bedroom, and is suddenly an emergency. but she, of course, is the most useless person on the planet, and will do absolutely nothing about anything ever until and unless i finally snap and have a fucking screaming meltdown like a fucking child, in which case about 5% of the time she’ll put in like three minutes of effort, or at least say she will and then wait until i leave again and then go back to her sudoku puzzles and wine.

(seriously, like, my father is dying of cancer and cirrhosis and has dementia reaching the point that he can’t really be left alone even with two different people coming by twice a day to make sure he and the cat are okay, and she’s one trip-and-fall [in a walking obstacle course of a house] away from going from can’t-walk-without-assistance to in-the-hospital-indefinitely, and it took me years and years and multiple screaming fights for her to finally begin to wrap her head around the concept that maybe we/they should have, i dunno, a fucking lawyer, and some vague sort of plans in place for when one or both of them die and/or can’t live at home anymore, which, well, i guess at least they finally have a lawyer, which i literally had to find for them through friends when i was thousands of miles away, which seems reasonable i guess...)

anyway, yeah, so we finally get home, and -- after discovering that my father had somehow got his hands on the tray of baby catnip seeds i had planted and carefully tucked in a sunny windowsill away from him, and of course, ...dumped them into the fridge. which of course, dementia is not his fault, but dementia has just exacerbated his infuriating need to just get his hands on anything nearby, with no regard as to whether it belongs to him or not, and just mess with it, so of course i was instantly pissed off within minutes of walking in the door --

so i head to my room to do the whole lie flat on my back while make vague pitiful noises thing, and the a/c unit had, of course, suddenly finally begun to leak filthy a/c water all over the inside of my room, and mostly, of course, directly on my bed and pillow, which were completely soaked and disgusting, and the entire room still smells like -- well, like filthy a/c water had been soaking into it for two solid days. fortunately, the a/c still works, more or less, or else i flat-out couldn’t stay here (not that that’d be a bad thing, i guess), but there is now a giant gross paint bucket either hanging precariously from a lamp to catch the nonstop water drip, and which will be terrible if and when the arm of the lamp breaks, or just kind of propped up on my bed which i will almost certainly kick over in my sleep and will be terrible.

and, of course, although this is a three-bedroom house inhabited only by my parents and temporarily me, with a full pull-out couch in the den and a reasonably comfortable couch in the living room, there is absolutely no other place i could sleep. my parents’ bedroom now reeks so badly of my father’s urine and excrement that even the cat won’t go in there, so my mother (quite understandably) will not share a bed with him and so has appropriated my brother’s old room; they are hoarders so i don’t know if i could even reach the couch in the den, let alone clear off the several feet of random junk that’s festered atop it for probably a decade, let alone actually pull it out; and frankly i don’t want to sleep anywhere my father has even sat down like the other couch. so my sleeping option sleeping upside down on my already uncomfortable bed, with no wall or headboard to support a backrest or pillow, trying not to kick over a bucket of dirt-water onto myself in my sleep.

and like, i know it’s my own responsibility to make sure that things that need to happen do in fact happen, because my father obviously can’t and my mother just won’t, and i should have been more proactive about -- well, everything -- but like, i bring up things over and over and over, trying to discuss things like actual fucking adults, and just get a complete blank stone wall every single time, without even a response, even a “yeah, but we can’t do that right now,” just nothing, to the point that i’m like, “...did you hear me? are you there?” and i guess this was just another straw on the camel’s broken back, and went in to talk to her about like, you realize this is now A Problem, right, which -- admittedly after probably too much painkiller vodka since i have no actual painkillers -- i could not stop the flood of anger and resentment and hurt, and said some shit that was true but cruel -- all of which i have said many times before but not cruelly, and so was thoroughly ignored and dismissed every time.

which devolved into me in tears, again, over how unfair, inappropriate, and just plain horrible it is for her to treat me as her emotional support pinata, and the only person in the world she has to vent to and unload on, while categorically refusing to seek any sort of external support in any way shape or form, just knocking on my door drunk as fuck every night shaking with anger and anxiety and literally hiding from my father and just telling me how she feels like she is going to die, with absolutely no understanding or care that what she says and does (and does not do) actually, like, affects me, at all. she has this thing in her head where happiness/misery is like a zero sum game, where as long as she makes sure she is as absolutely miserable as she can possibly be, she somehow like uses up the misery so it’s good for everyone else.

and, of course, her seeing me as her only source of support or outlet to vent is very much a one-way street, because when she’s so wrapped up in her own anxiety and misery, it’s not like she is willing or capable of someone i could go to for anything ever. the few times that i’ve ever been like look i’m dealing with a lot right now, can you just like be there for me a tiny bit, she’s like i’m sorry you know i love you and would do anything for you, but i’m not actually willing to do anything at all so i don’t know what you want me to do or say.

and her manipulative takeaway, of course, was not “you’re right, it’s not fair, i will try to look into more/healthier ways to deal with this and people who can offer me help and support” but instead “you’re right, it’s not fair, i shouldn’t ever vent to you again i just won’t talk to anyone ever about what’s going on.” because of course.

she has a million excuses to avoid going to therapy, which are all bullshit, because she actively refuses to understand that like making an appointment with a therapist is zero percent commitment. no, for the fiftieth time, if you don’t want to get into your childhood trauma, you don’t have to; if you’re not ready or willing to deal with your alcoholism right now, frankly i don’t blame you, and you don’t have to, and i will say exactly those things to her and she will respond with, literally, “well, but i don’t want to get into my childhood trauma and i’m not ready to deal with my alcoholism right now.” great. glad you listen.

she finally agreed that if i found a therapist for her, she would try (again), which i’m totally willing to do, since i have a lot more experience in the mental health/therapy area than she does and i get totally that’s intimidating. but also, we’ve done this before, and she liked the therapist she was briefly seeing, who i connected her to via my own shrink, but despite promising to continue seeing her after i left, absolutely never did again. which, like, okay! her therapist specialized in addiction, so of course the drinking came up frequently; they only met for maybe six weeks, so her therapist was still obviously getting to know her and the drinking is an issue, but not the issue, but also hey, maybe it’s just not a good fit, that’s totally absolutely fine, but also don’t fucking lie to me until i leave the country and then stop going.

and also she was like “well i just spend half the session bitching about your father, so it seems pointless” and i’m like half the fucking point is so you have someone else to bitch to, and in particular someone who may have access to actual resources and things that could help this shitty situation. but, nah, or she could just make sure everything is as bad as possible.

i’m leaving in a week, at least, not super long term (maybe) but get a break from here, see some cats and some beloved friends and some old and new places on the other coast and also some temperatures that aren’t triple digit. and i have friends here that have offered me a bed or couch if and when i need to just not be in this terrible house, and i have no reason to doubt their sincerity at all, but i just hate the version of me that exists here so much that it’s so difficult to believe that anyone would want to be around me when i so very much don’t even want to be around me.

#personal #depression #so much salt #family #tw: dementia #tw: alcohol

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skincare-secrets-flawless-skin · 5 years

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Visit My Shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/OrganicSkinClinic

HYDROQUINONE IS SAFE

There are many misconceptions, misinformation, and myths about the dangers of using Hydroquinone skin bleach: Causes Skin Cancer; Destroys Skin; Causes Skin Ochronosis...

ALL LIES!

Hydroquinone is safe for use on skin as an effective skin bleach and skin lightener. There are ZERO studies that prove hydroquinone {at anypercentage} causes ANY of the above skin diseases or damage. I have been using hydroquinone skin bleachfor years, just like many other people around the world. And we're ALL still alive,with beautiful healthy skin.

HYDROQUINONE

Hydroquinone is a byproduct of Alpha-Arbutin. Alpha-Arbutin is an 'anti-oxidant' found in certain fruit. All fruit contain anti-oxidants {but not all are the same name/type of anti-oxidant} and ALL anti-oxidants lighten skin.Byproduct: 'Something produced in the process of making something else'. Example: When plants produce carbohydrates via photosynthesis, Oxygen is released as a 'byproduct'. So when you eat fruit containing Alpha-Arubutin, the alpha-arbutin reacts with your stomach acids during breakdown and turns into hydroquinone...

That is why when you eat an abundance of fruit {especially those containinghigh amounts of Alpha-Arbutin} it lightens your skin. Not as significantly as bleaching creams, but this will even skin tone and lighten your skina few shades. {'Skin Lightening Foods' will be discussed in another blog posting} Hydroquinone has many uses. It is frequently used in professional photography, along with citric acid {derived from lemon juice} as a developing agent.

RE: STUDIES & SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS

The only so-called studiesthat are out there {where an actual scientific experiment was performed} is one where scientistFED hydroquinone powder to lab rats. After months of this, they claim the rats died of cancer. Seriously, we 're all intelligent adults here, does that at all make any sense? Lotions& shampoos are safe for skin & hair, but if I drank an entire bottle of either. Well first, thepoison control center would need to be called, and then I would would be rushed to the hospital to keep me from dying. Eating processed foods over the years will give you colon cancer. Tap water, where do I start:Chlorine,Fluoride,Lithium. All poisonous but in small doses won't kill you, but will kill most bacteria {not including spores} which is why it is used to clean municipal water. And Again, hydroquinone = byproduct of Alpha-Arbutin found in fruit & veggies. I have no idea why these so-called 'scientist' feel the need to blow smoke up everyone's ass.

HOW DID HYDROQUINONE GET THIS BAD REPUTATION?

Well, in certain parts of the world. Skin bleaching is an epidemic. Scam merchants saw a way to exploit and take advantage of individuals who so desperately want lightskin, or 'white skin'. So they use cheap poisonous chemicals that shouldn't be used on human skin, to formulate these 'black market' skin bleaching creams and label them as "hydroquinone cream". Because of this, governments in several countries {UK and West-Africa} have banned hydroquinone skin lighteners all together.The most popular illegal ingredient Mercury. Very poisonous, muchcheaper than hydroquinone powder, lightens skin VERY fast, causes skin ochronosis, and a mess of other health problems. Using mercury based skin bleach causes irreparable skin damage, and sometimes death. If the person doesn't STOP.The other popular illegal ingredient is, steroids as the active ingredient. Steroids are not ment to be used as a skin lightening agent, ever.I will discuss steroids further in the next segment, there is much to explain about steroids. These mercury & steroid creams ruin skin, but the truly sad part is......There are people who are well aware of the dangers, but still purchase these creams because they so desperately want white skin. This is not the way!.

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Youtube Video: https://youtu.be/AnxyeYOizT0 {FYI: In certain countries the slang term is just 'white' for light-skin or bleached-skin}

{SIDE BAR: I bleach too, but I do it safely. These ladies here boy...*smh* Seems like they would pour battery acid on their skin if they thought it would make their skin lighter. That one lady over there {@8:26}, is mixing up napalm or something just asfierce*lol*I mean that stuff is for bleaching & coloringhair, not skin!{then had the nerve to mix it with scissors, not knowing the metal is reacting with thechemicalsin that toxic batter}Peroxide 40!? That stuff burns like hell on the scalp, I can't imaginepurposelyputting that on my skin, and leaving on to fry and sizzle. Not to mention, chemical hair coloris poisonous. I remember years ago, hearing about a woman who mysteriously died. An autopsy revealed that 20 yrs of using chemical hair colorwas the cause of her death.}

TOPICAL STEROIDS

Topical: Something that is applied externally to the body - in this case, the skin. Topical steroids are never to be used as a skin lightening agent. Topical steroids will almost completely destroy skin skin when used this way. Skin getting lighter or going'pale' in color, is a side-effect of using topical steroids. The skin lightening is only temporary.

Please understand the word 'steroid' isn't a dirty word. Steroids are very important to the medical community. There are manytypes, many strengths, and many usesfor them all.No matter the reason for use,topical steroids thin the skin.Meaning, it literally makes your skin thinner. When this happens stretch marks appear, the skin is easily broken{cracks and bleeds easily}, pimples and weird bumps appear, and the skin starts to darken horribly in patches, and some times has ashiny taunt look. It is extremely difficult to heal skin that has been traumatized by steroid skin lighteners. The first route of therapy is using Tretinoin Gel, it actually thickens the skin and improves texture. Damage to skin is so much more severe and happen quicker because , people using it as a skin lightener, use it several times a day everyday.

Doctors prescribe topical steroids in severe cases, buteven then the patient is under their close supervision and the doctor is monitoring the condition of their skin. AND it isn't applied several times a day nor over large areas. Said topical steroid is usually and only appliedin cases of a flareup, of whatever the the skin condition is. Just like pain killers {oxycontin,codeine, morphine, etc.}, long term use of topical steroids are not advised because your skin willbecome addicted to them. With topical steroids, it is your skin that becomes addicted,like a dope-fiend tocrack. And when you suddenly stop using a topical steroid, your skin goes through 'withdrawal' just like a dope fiend goes through withdrawals. Any physician worth his salt knows, people need to be graduallywinged off those topical steroids to prevent massive discomfort.

youtube

Youtube Video: https://youtu.be/Mgfnhb9M9YM

youtube

Youtube Video: https://youtu.be/qig2TNI9Xr0

The lady in the firstvideo used a topical steroids for hereczema, clobetasol ointment is a common corticosteroid prescribed for eczema.I deeply respect the medical community but these topical steroids are prescribed too often for skin issues. Eczema is a long term skin issue, whether it's temporary or for life. It doesn't just go way after a few weeks. So to prescribe something that shouldn't even be used for 6 months, is ridiculous. Again I deeply respect the medical community, but the truth is, medications of any sort do not heal disease, skin or otherwise. They only suppress symptoms. An Eczema sufferer needs herbal healing. Look at that woman's skin {1st video}, she's more inflamed now than before she started with the topical steroids. She should have been informed aboutGerman Chamomile {powerful herbal anti-inflammatory, very expensive but worth it}, Allantoin, Comfrey, organicpeppermint soap, goat milk & oatmeal baths, goat milk lotion, anti-inflammatory herbal baths, and light chemical peels. Anti-inflammatory foods, and to stay away from foods that cause inflammation exacerbating her eczema. These areonly few of the things that can heal inflammatory skin conditions eczema and psoriasis.

WHAT ARE STEROIDS USED FOR

A steroid is a very stronganti-inflammatory medication. Plain & simple.The word or term 'steroids' are sometimes used out of context, incorrectly, or interchangeably with other similar medical terms. The steroids you hearabout athletes getting in trouble for, are synthetic injectable Testosterone. {Testosteroneis important for muscle production ,energy, healthy libido, and sperm productionin men. Testosterone isnaturally producedin thetesticles}. It's not a bad thing to take testosterone, but it should only be in a case of the 'man' being low in testosterone and other male issues, prescribed at the doctors discretion {issues that usually stem from 'male-menopause'}. Also, it's not good for a personto take the same hormone they already produce an abundance of{All humanshave both male & female hormones. Maleshave more testosterone than women, and females have more estrogen than males}. Thiswill cause major issues: Hair loss, mood swings, reproduction issues, mutated reproductive organs{penis shrinking, impotence,ovaries shrinking, infertility,etc},acne, aggressive behavior {rage}, erratic emotional behavior {brought to tears easily}, abnormal hair growth, hairloss, cancer of the reproductive/sex organs, and all types of other physiological problems. Males can take estrogen, and females can take testosterone, safely. But taking the same hormone, is not good. This is why trans-genders can safely go through hormone therapy. Males taking female hormone will completely feminize, and females taking male hormones will become verymasculine. Wow @ how nature works.

Kenalogis an injectable steroid used for skin conditions & severe allergies. Kenalog 10 is injected into keloids to shrink and remove them. Kenalog 40 is much stronger and is use for severe allergies, asthma, and several other health issues. Both can be used to shrink lipoma {benigntumorconsistingoffattissue} or to correct a botched fat-transfer surgery. These procedures need to be performedby a very skilled andexperienced dermatologist.

After reading the above, do you understand what would happen if you useda powerful topical anti-inflammatory {topical steroids} on your skin several times a day for skin-lightening? Listen: If you get a scratch or wound yourskin, the area turns red & swells up if infected or to prevent infection. This is a normal inflammatory response to trauma {or infection}, where white blood cells and lymph is released and crowds the area quarantines the area from the rest of your body. Stopping the bacteria/virus from spreading, and killing off thebacteria or virus. What do you think happens when you 'prevent' this from happening? Exactly. People who use topical steroids are more susceptible to skin infections.You have been thoroughly warned.

IN CLOSING

Hydroquinone is safe, #PERIOD. When used in high doses {10% and higher}you only need to gradually increase dosage before using it full-strength. And after achieving your desired skin tone, you only need maintenance applications {2-3 times weekly} to maintain that color. No withdrawal symptoms will occur if you suddenly stopped using hydroquinone skin bleach, because it's not a topical narcotic. Everyone has a different reason for using skin lighteners, either to rid themselves ofscars or blemishes, or to bleach themselves white. I do not know everyone's reason for using skin bleach, and I don't care. My only concern is educating people on the proper and safe way to lighten or bleach their skin. And to provide people with safe and efficacious skin whiteners.

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#hydroquinone #skin bleaching #arbutin #skin whitening #dark spots

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heroin-filled-skies · 5 years

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5am junkie-in-recovery rambles

I’m in such a lovely warm codeine fuzz. I coulda used it to make lean, or a rap song, I guess. Don’t have the patience for either.

It’s prescribed. It may have been prescribed a year ago for surgery, and I may be about to go take more than recommended, but to be fair- I’m chronically ill, and it makes everything hurt, always, there’s no end,(don’t be another asshole that tells me that sounds convenient, I swear to god, I will “conviniently” pop several joints out of their sockets.) Instead of basic meds for pain management, PT for shit like my neck now exisisting at a 30 degree angle and my left shoulder way lower than my right, and daily port hydration that was ordered a year ago I’ve never gotten a single bag of, I kept getting told to up my suboxone and that they wanna do lidocaine around my top vertebrae and thermal coagulation of nerves in my neck. No. Absolutely not. I’ve been tapering my suboxone since Day 1. I’m gonna taper to the lowest dose I can possibly function on and hopefully go off when I’m medically stable enough, and nobody’s stabbing my neck with needles to numb shit and kill nerves. Bullshit when they haven’t even done conventional meds, PT, and bracing first, and absolutely reckless and insane to do without ordering proper testing. Which nobody has. Theyre calling chronic illness patients collateral damage in “the war” (not much of a war) against drugs. What about the in-betweens? The junkies who sobered up and then got diagnosed but will forever be labled junkies? The people who got hooked on script meds, doctors got pressured to drop their scripts, they ended up on dope, got sober, and guess what- they’re still in the same level of pain they required opiods in the first place. All the meetings and meditations and chips and hikes under the sunset won’t change that. If people need to monitored, monitor them. Just give us adequate pain relief. Fuck.

I want more codeine.

I’ve saved so many meds for long, for emergency pain days. Just incase I decide to push it all through my tube one day one day, I don’t know. Mainly just the really bad pain thing.

But I can only stretch them so long. And then I’m really, truly, fucked. I won’t be able to function, at all. You know, for a heroin addict, I was very disciplined. Those words don’t work I’m a sentence in like that. But I was. Whenever my dudes would text and say there was a drought, I’d break off even little points, and instead of my regular 4 hour point where I got sick (goddamn metabolism and stepped on tar) just exactly enough for every 6 hours on the dot of exactly how much I had till I got the “today” text shoot through. That doesn’t mean anytime soon unless it was the dude I was friends with or they happened to be near me, that translates to, “like midnight- iffffff you hop a fence in the sleet while withdrawing and circle the entire shopping mall parking lot three times while I call you fifteen times cussing you out before I comprehend what “under the MASSIVE RED Target sign” 🎯 in dealer speak.

Lately I miss razor blades. I’m fuzzy. I want more codeine, maybe I’ll just take more kpins.

I have a massive to-do list, I have schedules I meee to write and google docs to type up and I’m so stressed I’m barely enjoying the fuzzy anymore. But of course I still am, because I’m just a piece of shit junkie.

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truthbeetoldmedia · 6 years

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The 100 5x11 "The Dark Year" Review

Episode 11 picks up where Episode 10 left off, shortly after Clarke’s found her mother unconscious from an overdose. With Madi’s help, she pumps Abby’s stomach and gets her conscious again, but Abby is ashamed of her state, much as she was after coming out of the City of Light in Season 3. At Abby’s recommendation, Clarke ties Abby down and administers an opioid blocker to put her into detox quickly. As Abby fades in and out of consciousness, we see her flash back to two years after Praimfaya, the beginning of the ominously-named Dark Year.

Everything in the flashbacks is filmed with a shorter focal length than normal, with lots of camera tilts, giving everything an unsteady, upsetting feeling. A fungus has destroyed the soybean crop, meaning they have no source of protein. Cooper was able to salvage some seeds, but it’ll take a year before they can eat from them again. And if they don’t get 10% of their calories from protein, Abby says, they’ll starve.

Abby immediately knows that they need to eat the executed criminals, suggesting it so quickly that it seems she must have thought ahead to this possibility. It’s ironic that Abby used the horror of cannibalism to convince the Sky People to let the grounders back into the main part of the bunker during "Red Queen" (remember, she painted a pretty horrific picture for Cooper about how as the people starved, they’d turn to cannibalism) only to have to encourage cannibalism less than two years later.

A group of people sit in the bunker, palm-sized cubes of a red, gelatinous substance before them on each of their lunch trays. Octavia takes the first bite, encouraging the rest to do the same, but Kane stands up and tells them that it’s their choice. Several people get up and leave along with Kane. But Abby later tells Octavia that she can’t allow them to abstain from eating; if they do, they’ll starve to death, but their muscles will atrophy and there won’t be enough meat on them to eat. She doesn’t even want Octavia to make an exception for Kane, because she knows that he’s the key.

At the next meal, Octavia confronts those who refuse to eat, ultimately shooting and killing several, before Kane breaks and takes a bite, which leads the rest of the people to. Octavia and Abby knew that Kane wouldn’t break if Octavia threatened to kill him, but he would do it to save other people’s lives.

As Abby detoxes, she becomes cruel, struggling against the restraints that she had Clarke put on her. Much like when Raven was possessed by ALIE, Abby tears into Clarke for being the one who decides who lives and who dies and tries to convince Madi to stop Clarke from continuing the detox. Once she gets through the worst of it, and out of her Dark Year flashbacks, however, Abby confides in her daughter what she had been responsible for and why she became addicted to the pain medication.

The detox works, and Abby is able to resume her work curing the miners. Madi is less than thrilled that they’re helping McCreary, and tries to sneak up and stab him while he’s on the examination table. Clarke sees the knife and heads her off, but Madi can’t understand why Clarke is siding with McCreary over Octavia. “She bore it so they didn’t have to,” she says, echoing Dante Wallace’s and Clarke’s words from the past. We never saw Clarke say the phrase to Lexa, so the few hours the Flame was in Clarke’s head must have been enough for it to record her memories as well as those of the past commanders. But Octavia didn’t bear anything for her people; clearly Wonkru is still traumatized. “We’re on the wrong side of this war,” Madi claims, but Clarke says, “But you get to live.” Madi echoes Abby’s words, asking how they can live with themselves.

Most of Spacekru, Kane, and Zeke are all hiding out in a cave with Diyoza and her people. As they try to set up a radio so they can contact Bellamy, they realize that McCreary’s men are mobilizing at the entry points to the valley, which means Wonkru must be marching. Echo manages to get in touch with Bellamy, both of them speaking Trig in case McCreary’s men intercept it. Bellamy points out that if Clarke is with McCreary, she could translate, and Echo says that she’ll “deal with Clarke later.”

(Girl, if Bellamy was willing to poison his own sister to keep her safe, I highly doubt he’s gonna let you “deal” with her. But at Conageddon, Tasya Teles teased that there would be a big action sequence between Clarke and Echo.) Echo takes charge and leads Raven, Murphy, and Emori out to scout for ways for the Wonkru army to get into the valley and defeat McCreary. Kane wants to come, but Echo refuses, saying he has to earn her trust. (Funny, since she hasn’t really earned anyone else’s.)

As the four Spacekru members crouch in the snow at the top of a pass, watching Eligius building gunner positions, Murphy spots a box of guns and ammunition. “They can’t shoot us with what they don’t have,” he points out, so they creep over to steal them. But they get caught and surrounded. Just as they think they’re about to die, Zeke bursts out of the underbrush and offers a trade: himself for their lives. The Eligius men decide to take him and still kill the others, but as they grab Zeke, he surprises them with his hand-to-hand fighting skills and kills them all. He tries to talk to Raven, but she’s furious and storms off.

It’s possible that him offering to surrender himself reminded her of Finn’s surrendering to the grounders and subsequent death, and Raven avoids Zeke because she’s realizing her feelings for him. After they report their findings to Diyoza, she realizes she dropped her notebook when they were fleeing — a notebook that had plans for every possibility she could think of. And we all know how brilliant she is. She does manage to think of one plan, but we don’t get to hear it yet…

When Octavia’s army first starts their march, Bellamy and Indra warn her that she’s leading them into a trap, because McCreary knows they’re coming, but she doesn’t care. When they later get the plan from Echo, Octavia seems grateful to Echo for once, and tries to reconnect with her brother (who has just ignored a proffered hand from Miller). Bellamy tells Octavia that his terms for helping her are that they accept Eligius’ surrender; no executions, no fighting pits, and that they live in peace.

Octavia agrees, upset that he doesn’t think that’s what she wants, and says that they’re back to how they’re meant to be: fighting side by side. But Bellamy has had enough and tells her, “I’m not fighting for you. I’m fighting to get back to my family.” He leaves as tears rise in Octavia’s eyes, and she angrily tells Indra that once they’re in the valley, everything they’ve had to do will be worth it. “I hope you’re right,” Indra responds.

Four days later, the night before the war, Diyoza’s people and Spacekru are all in their position in the woods, ready to put their plan in motion in just a few short hours. Zeke approaches Raven, asking why she’s mad at him for saving her life. She continues to ignore him, so he starts to walk away, only to be stopped by Raven grabbing his jacket and pulling him in for a kiss. “I’m not mad at you for saving my life, I’m mad at you for making me care about yours.”

They kiss again, and we see Echo watching in the background. Emori sits down next to her and slings an arm around her shoulders, assuring her that she and Bellamy will be together soon. But this doesn’t seem to make Echo feel any better; is she realizing that everything did change on the ground, despite Bellamy’s assurances otherwise? She goes over the plan one last time, and the shot of her map transitions into the map Bellamy is using to go over the plan with Octavia and her generals.

The night before the war, Bellamy sits alone by a fire, his hand on Echo’s sword sheath. He’s lost Octavia, he’s lost Clarke; Echo and Spacekru are all he has. Monty joins him, and they discuss the future. Once the war is won, Spacekru will take 80 acres separate from the others. “Grow something other than algae,” he teases Monty.

But of course, things aren’t going to go as planned. The last few episodes have set up a very similar plot to Mount Weather in Season 2, and right on schedule comes the betrayal. Kane and Diyoza come to McCreary to doublecross Octavia; Kane would rather have the monster win the valley than the devil.

Abby’s Addiction

Let me start this section by saying that I’ve been kind of uncomfortable with Abby’s storyline ever since her addiction was introduced. With this being my last episode to review and it being nearly the end of the season, I decided it was time to address it. My heart sank a little when we saw her take pain medication on-screen in 5x02, “Red Queen,” because more often than not, onscreen pain medication use leads to an addiction storyline. And in my opinion, these storylines contribute to the stigma surrounding pain medication, specifically opioids.

In this episode Diyoza says, “Opiates are a bitch. Back in the service, I lost more men to pills than war.” (Let me just say that when you’re in the kind of pain that tylenol and mindfulness won’t do a thing for, opioids are definitely not “a bitch.”) Yes, of course opioid addiction is a very real and serious thing that many people deal with. But as someone with chronic pain who has a prescription for codeine (an opioid) for as-needed pain relief, I know that the panic around the opioid epidemic has made it exponentially more difficult for people with chronic pain to get the pain relief they need.

Statistically, addiction is far more likely to happen with patients with acute (temporary) pain who get over-prescribed opioid pain medications than it is with chronic pain patients, which is one thing The 100 got right with Abby’s storyline. She did have some longer-term pain from being removed from the City of Light, as Raven did, and she started taking the pain meds then. But after she fixed the source of the headaches, she continued taking them. If they had done this with Raven (who still has chronic pain), I’d have been very upset.

But why does this matter, Michaela, you ask, it’s just a TV show. Well, let me talk about something happening in the US right now. Currently before Oregon Medicaid is a plan to force a taper to 0 mg of all opioid-receiving pain patients. If this plan goes through, every person with chronic pain in the state of Oregon will no longer have access to much-needed pain relief, with the replacement treatments being cognitive behavior therapy, acupuncture, mindfulness, pain acceptance, and treatment with non-opioid medications, such as Tylenol.

Now, if these things work for you, great! But opioids are generally only prescribed to chronic pain patients after exhausting many other possibilities. My old primary care physician refused to prescribe me a low dose of codeine (the most mild of the opioid pain medications) for times when my pain was high enough that I couldn’t stand it — and I (and most chronic pain patients) have a pretty high pain tolerance — even when no other options would help.

I’ll stop before I get on too much of a soapbox here, but basically: television has an impact on society, as I’m sure everyone in this fandom knows. And when every character who ever uses pain medication long-term on television is an addict (another notable example is Dr. House from House, MD), the general public, who don’t know any people with chronic pain, are going to associate long-term pain medication use with addiction, which only hurts pain patients further. While Paige Turco is absolutely doing an incredible acting job as Abby, I’m disappointed in The 100 for perpetuating this.

Something that could have made this storyline work is showing Abby’s point of view on it, but instead we only see her addiction through the eyes of other characters and how it affects them; Kane, Diyoza, and Raven, for example. This storyline feels like something pulled from a different show and not successfully woven in with this narrative, unlike the other addiction storylines we’ve seen (Jasper’s alcoholism and wanting to stay in the City of Light, and to an extent, Raven’s City of Light story). Because it’s not successfully done, Abby’s storyline only takes time away from other plots that are more central to the story.

There Are No Good Guys

Octavia continues to cry out “CHOOSE,” but consistently takes away her people’s choice. She asks for her advisors to give her another choice, but when there is one clearly available, she refuses to take it. As Clarke pointed out in Season 4, “only choice” is an oxymoron.

While it’s true that there wasn’t really another choice during the Dark Year when they needed a source of protein, she has certainly had other options since then, most notably that Wonkru could have survived in Polis once Monty got the hydrofarm running, with the long-term plan of using his algae to make the soil fertile again. But rather than giving her people the option to stay there and live in peace, or to surrender to Diyoza and live in the valley in peace, Octavia burned down the hydrofarm to force the war she’s been hankering for. Octavia keeps thinking about the next thing; “Once we get in the bunker, things will be better.” “Once I unite the clans, things will be better.” “Once we get through the Dark Year, things will be better.” “Once we get out of the bunker, things will be better.” “Once we get to the valley, things will be better.” It’s never-ceasing, and things never are better. If Wonkru wins the battle for the valley, there will just be another thing, and Octavia will continue doing more and more horrible things.

As Clarke said in the season premiere, “what happens to the Commander of Death when there is no one left to kill?” Clarke was able to wash away the pain of the past and start fresh (as much as one can after going through what she has), but I don’t see any realistic way that Octavia will be able to — all the huge moments that could have snapped her out of her tyrannical state have had no effect on her, and she has just dug herself further into the darkness.

Abby is doing this to an extent, too — in the promo for 5x12, “Damocles Pt 1,” we see her repeat, “First we survive, then we find our humanity again.” But what happens if you’ve gone too far? What a contrast it is from Season 1 when Marcus told her, “I choose at every turn and at every cost to make sure that the human race stays alive,” and Abby responded, “That’s the difference between us, Kane. I make sure we deserve to stay alive.”

That’s still the difference between them, though their roles have switched. Marcus knows that there are some lines you can’t uncross, and would rather die than lose his humanity and compromise his morals. But Abby wants to survive at any cost, and even encourages Octavia to do something unthinkable — execute those who won’t become cannibals — to keep Wonkru alive.

The show’s insistence that “there are no good guys” also conversely implies that there are no bad guys, which isn’t the case. Moral greyness has always been a The 100 specialty, but this season they’re trying to make it all equally grey, when in fact some things are still black and white. There are good people, and there are bad people, and there are people in between — none of them is innocent, to quote Maya Vie, and none of them is 100% evil. They all do have their reasons for what they’ve done, and while we’ve seen two flashbacks of how Octavia became Blodreina, this in no way excuses what she — or any of the characters — has done. As Jake Peralta would say, “Cool motive, still murder.”

Looks Like Meat’s Back on the Menu, Boys

A big question raised by "The Dark Year" is whether cannibalism is ever morally acceptable. For me, the answer is “possibly.” While I would never be okay with killing people just to eat them, if the people were already dead (from a non-transferrable cause) and I were starving, I would probably be okay with it — I’ve never attached all that much significance to a body once it’s dead.

But what Octavia did (at Abby’s advice) — killing anyone who refused to eat the human flesh before them — was objectively morally wrong, no matter how much the show tries to push the “there are no good/bad guys” theme. And forcing a fight to the death as punishment for crimes, and then EATING THE LOSERS is just awful. I mean, as harsh as the Ark was, they executed people humanely. I feel like there must have been better options for entertainment than actual gladiator fights — too bad they killed the guy with the guitar in the "Red Queen" flashback.

Before Season 5 premiered, the cast teased that there was a scene that made everyone on set sick, and I’m guessing that was the cannibalism flashback. Those weird jello cubes looked pretty gross, and with the association of them as human flesh… well, you can imagine. Also, what was with the perfect tuna-sashimi-looking cubes?! Like, if you have to eat people, at least try to make it not-gross. Cut it up and put it in the soup; make tacos out of it; ANYTHING but just a hunk of raw-looking grossness.

Human flesh would not be safe to eat raw, so they must have treated it in some way; my roommate suggested that it looks like it may have been ground it up and made it into a spam-like food. Mechanically-separated people, if you will. Yummy. “I’ll have a Big Gulp of highly-filtered urine and some Bunker Nuggets!” “Would you like Palm Frites or Ta-toe Tots with that? Any Man-na Cotta for dessert?” (You have my roommate to blame for that one.)

It’s possible that they intentionally dwelt on the meat as being human to keep from normalizing it, in contrast to Mount Weather hiding the grounders from sight and sanitizing the whole process, dissociating from what they were actually doing. After so long of using grounders to filter their blood, the residents of Mount Weather were mostly okay with it, whereas the people in the bunker are still horrified and traumatized five years later from the cannibalism.

And it’s a good thing that they didn’t normalize it — many fans think they might still be supplementing their rations with human flesh, but I don’t think they are, because it was always a necessary-but-horrific thing. And in Mount Weather, they allowed people with moral objections to abstain from the blood transfusions, but that came back to bite them because those same people helped the delinquents overthrow the mountain. I wonder if Abby had this in mind when she encouraged Octavia to enforce the cannibalism, breaking the people’s spirits and forcing unity.

An Echo in Space

Before Season 5 premiered, we were told many times by actors, writers, and other crew on The 100 that Echo would be much changed from where she was before the time jump, and that she would be an integral part of the self-titled Spacekru who we would love. But honestly, nearly every time Echo is on screen I find myself rolling my eyes.

The rest of Spacekru keep talking about how she proved herself during the six years they were in space, but really, those six years were more like stasis. There were no enemies to fight, no options for betrayal. They simply lived. But now that they’re back on the ground, with outside forces exerting pressure on their little family, Echo has been slipping back into her old ways, betraying Raven’s trust in Shaw, threatening to kill him despite Raven’s pleas, saying she’ll “deal with Clarke,” and all-around just...not being very likeable.

It’s no secret that I ship Bellarke, but my dislike of Echo barely even has anything to do with her relationship with Bellamy. Back at the end of Season 2, when she was introduced, I was intrigued and actually thought a relationship between her and Bellamy could be interesting. Her character has had so much potential, but keeps falling flat. Imagine if she had decided to stay behind when Lexa ordered the retreat from Mount Weather, because she believed that it was wrong, like Lincoln did.

I mean, if we even had a single flashback of her so-called “proving” herself in space, I could swallow it. When she decided to “defect” to Eligius and spy, and hid the flash drive in the other woman’s bullet wound, I was excited to see her actually be the spy she’s been described as, but again, she betrayed the one friend they had as well as Raven’s trust (side note: it’s been said multiple times that Echo and Raven are close, but I’ve seen no evidence of that). Echo continues to be just that; an echo, continuing old habits and rarely showing any dimension.

Zaven

The best moment of the episode was undoubtedly when Raven pulled Zeke (still not calling him Miles) over to herself for a kiss, after avoiding him for four days. She’d realized when he put his life in danger to save hers that she cared for him, and finally acted on her feelings. Many fans of Raven’s had been shipping the two ever since Jordan Bolger’s character was announced for Season 5 and described as “a self-professed adrenaline junkie brimming with brains, wit and bravado.”

It’s been nearly three seasons since Raven has had a love interest, and has had to go through some incredibly difficult things by herself. Of course, romantic love isn’t all that matters, but the girl deserves to kiss a cute boy every now and then. I’m going to be pretty upset if Zeke doesn’t survive the season, after everything they’ve put Raven through. He and Diyoza have been such a wonderful addition to the cast, especially as characters from closer to the present, and I sincerely hope to see both of them (and Diyoza’s baby) in Season 6!

Honorable mentions:

I loved the guy who said “Brother, it took me 10 minutes to find rewind.” MAKE HIM A MAIN IN SEASON 6.

More cannibal puns we didn’t have room for: Cadaviar, Spicy Vinda-Who?, Blood Sausage, Gingerbread Men, Steamed Muscles, Split We Soup, Toe-Furky, Manwich, Dead Velvet Cupcakes, Serf and Turf, Man-icotti, Chili Con Carnage

I’ve been excited to get a good look at Bellamy’s new outfit for quite a while, partly because I’m an artist and partly because he looks darn good in that armor.

I’m SO HERE for Bellamy deciding he’s had enough of Octavia’s treatment of him.

When Echo told Shaw “You can stay,” I actually laughed out loud. She’s not really in charge of that, and he and Raven have been pretty allied for a while now.

The 100 airs Tuesdays at 8/7c on The CW.

Michaela’s episode rating: 🐝🐝🐝

#The 100 #The Dark Year #Cannibalism #Addiction #Abby Griffin #Octavia Blake

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trevoriirw639 · 3 years

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The Worst Videos of All Time About sandale piele

The first time I saw Heath Ledger, it absolutely was accidentally. My day and later on to-be partner, Nick, took me to determine ‘The Sixth Perception’, at last succumbing to look pressure to guess the large surprise ending. By now, ‘The Sixth Perception’ was off the major theater chain circuit and only screening in smaller suburban independent theaters, which led us to practical experience a type of now rare occasions: a double-attribute matinee. The main movie was ’10 Things I Loathe About You’.

Very well handed teen videos, even All those with Shakespearian-centered scripts, we shyly admitted to liking ten Matters. Wow, I really like the male guide, what was his identify? Hes Australian, you realize, replied Nick. And in standard Aussie-vogue, I was doubly amazed and now stupidly crammed with countrywide satisfaction. A further outstanding Australian up-and-comer to affix the speedily expanding queue to grace Hollywood screens.

Many years afterwards, I might often grab the DVD to fill a cheerless afternoon and locate myself viewing and rewinding exactly the same scene. Time and again and over again. My solution responsible pleasure. Heath sliding down the pole, microphone in hand, singing Youre just far too superior being genuine, cant just take my eyes off of you The brass band kicks in. Which charmingly defiant half-run, 50 %-prancing throughout The varsity methods. The scene is excellent. Its inexplicable. He just has that previous-fashioned it element.

Im not a star-struck supporter and was never ever a type of teens with Motion picture-star idol posters plastered around my Bed room walls, but this Youngsters bought talent.

After which came All those scene-stealing roles that thoroughly blew us absent. The Patriot. Monsters Ball. And at last top-person standing and an Academy Award nomination. By now, we were just utilized to owning One more popular Australian up there with the rest of the world’s good expertise churning out an unlimited array of numerous, still illustrious movie roles.

We experienced no idea. It was not limitless. It wasn't what we expected.

When individuals who Ive in no way fulfilled but significantly admire die, Im unhappy. But Ive by no means cried before. I have not right before felt that coronary heart wrenching overwhelming shock that lasted for days following I read the information. This time it absolutely was in some way additional private. The moment I read through the specific listing of the first report of his deathbed scene, I intuitively knew how he died.

10 days afterwards the ultimate professional medical examiners report confirmed my suspicions.

Hollywood is Xanax-city. Sensation down, pop a Xanax. Experience stressed, pop a Xanax. Should accomplish at your best possible, pop a Xanax. A-record stars really feel the strain to offer A-quality performances when engaged on multi-million greenback movies. There’s excessive revenue at stake. The extreme strain, the two inside and exterior, is immeasurable. The studios are jeopardizing billions, spending The celebs thousands and thousands, along with the actors are unnaturally subjected to more pressure than we mere mortals can imagine.

Heath Ledger, himself, admitted that after the around the world release of the Knights Tale with its instant paparazzi-bulb-flashing stardom, his strain stages improved 10-fold.

Xanax is definitely the trade name with the generic anti-anxiety/tranquillizer prescription drug, alprazolam, mentioned in Ledgers toxicity report. One other anti-stress and anxiety drug was diazepam, or more frequently referred to as Valium. These prescription drugs are from a class of frequently prescribed tranquilizers known as benzodiazepines or just often called benzos.

According to the most current National Wellbeing Study, around 10 million scripts of benzos are penned yearly in Australia alone with its meagre inhabitants of twenty million compared to three hundred million in the US.

Many Medical doctors will compose a script for benzos a lot quicker than a rushing bullet. But the actual Risk is always that a lot of of these don't know the very long-term outcomes these medications have with your technique, how to present their people the correct suggestions when administering or checking the dosages, and additional frighteningly – how to handle their clients benzo withdrawal method.

For starters, That is how benzos have an affect on The body or maybe more importantly your brain. Benzodiazepines improve, or somewhat, boost your brains primary neurotransmitter, generally referred to as GABA. Finally, and this can be as promptly as three to 4 months if using a each day dose, your Mind will end manufacturing its very own GABA and rely completely to the synthetic benzo.

GABA is An important neurotransmitter mainly because it influences nearly almost everything else. Primarily it boosts the brains other neurotransmitters like Serotonin and Dopamine. Every one of the brains neurotransmitters have essential features which include, voluntary motion in the muscles, wakefulness, slumber, memory perform, sensory transmission – Specifically discomfort, and much, a lot more.

The trouble is usually that from this level on your brain requires more benzo as tolerance begins the downward spiral, as well as Mind needs better and higher dosages to obtain exactly the same effect. In case the affected individual will not be supplied the right dosage or administration information, that insidious and infrequently-undiagnosed disorder called Benzo Withdrawal Syndrome (BWS) will start its unpleasant and most likely hazardous descent.

BWS is understood by industry experts in the field for its severity and prolonged character. It could get several years to fully withdraw from benzos, In spite of proper treatment and supervision. With out this knowledge, the unwitting affected person can put up with about 30 symptoms, the commonest remaining unrelenting sleeplessness, extreme ache and mood improvements. People who have been using benzos for a relatively small time can working experience withdrawal indicators even although getting the drug. Moreover, if you have been getting them for a prolonged time, then out of the blue halt, dire instances may possibly occur. Or, for the pretty minimum, extra suffering, more despair and unrelenting sleeplessness.

Once we now examine Heath Ledgers issues, does this audio acquainted? Anything points to Extraordinary Benzo Withdrawal, but no-one particular is exclaiming its potential risks. In reality, most GPs and in some cases medical center Medical doctors acknowledge they know hardly any about Benzo Withdrawal. Some even refer their sufferers to drug rehabilitation centers an absolute no-no In line with sandale rieker benzo counselors. Benzo withdrawal is the precise reverse to alcohol or Avenue drug dependency. You dont choose to abruptly eliminate the benzo from the physique, because they frequently do in drug rehabilitation. The Mind requires the benzo. A person must steadily withdraw the synthetic benzo until the brain can sooner or later raise its individual GABA. Unexpected cessation of benzos could potentially cause critical difficulties which include seizures and blackouts.

When in BWS, the counselors suggest towards taking any medication or medications in any respect. Paracetamol might be The one thing the body can cope with for agony aid. Almost nothing else. Even codeine is forbidden. Also, one particular must entirely refrain from alcohol, caffeine, and all stimulants. There exists a robust protocol to be followed and devoid of this expertise, the affected person is easily place at fantastic chance.

The Ashton Guide, the acknowledged benzodiazepine bible, warns:

Drug interactions: Benzodiazepines have additive consequences with other drugs with sedative steps such as other hypnotic’s, some antidepressant’s (e.g. amitriptyline [Elavil], doxepin [Adapin, Sinequan]), main tranquilizers or neuroleptics (e.g. prochlorperazine [Compazine], trifluoperazine [Stelazine]), anticonvulsant’s (e.g. phenobarbital, phenytoin [Dilantin], carbamazepine [Atretol, Tegretol]), sedative antihistamines (e.g. diphenhydramine [Benadryl], promethazine [Phenergan]), opiates (heroin, morphine, meperidine), and, importantly, alcohol. Sufferers using benzodiazepines ought to be warned of such interactions. If sedative medicine are taken in overdose, benzodiazepines might include to the potential risk of fatality.

The real difficulty is that there are incredibly several experts in managing BWS; they won't include your neighborhood health practitioner, healthcare facility, or drug clinic. Nevertheless, there are good BWS experts that can be extremely practical, but they are often located in specially funded tranquillizer Restoration clinics.

One need to ask, why dont Health professionals know relating to this? The situation is that they simply just dont. Is it their fault or maybe the pharmaceutical organizations that cash in on these addictions? There is little or no dissemination of knowledge in the Group, the medical fraternity or within the pharmaceutical companies about benzodiazepines. And, In line with BWS counselors Functioning in the sphere, There is certainly insufficient study or empirical scientific tests on the results of benzos and BWS management to assist them with their intense workload’s.

Why? Who's at fault? Who's answerable for remedying the specific situation? Why would be the people who generate the scripts uninformed with regard to the following-consequences and probable risks connected with benzodiazepines?

Can our beloved Heath Ledgers Demise be a minimum of a person catalyst that should attract this devastating travesty to the public’s interest to demand more info?

I hope so.

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eternally11yours · 6 years

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Basically my entire life story....

It took me like an hour to write this and forever to hit the send button.. I sent this to someone I really cared about that I pushed away.... he replied with a thumbs up..... either I really hurt him or even guys 14 years older than me aren’t capable of being mature enough to give an actual response to a heartfelt message:

Those things I wrote. They weren’t about anyone in particular, they were about what I want not what I have. I’m a dreamer... writing is what I do to vent and dream and wish.

I didn’t mean to push you away like I did... nobody has ever fought to keep me and I’m really good at unintentionally pushing people away. I’ve only ever truly loved one person in full and I even pushed them away.

I really did like you... a lot... and I always fuck everything up. I always mess up good things. I tend to self sabotage, because I have low self worth and don’t feel like I deserve to be happy. I hate myself a lot actually. I try to be the person others want me to be instead of being myself. Things have happened in my life that have made me this way... and I haven’t told many people but I’m going to tell you all of it:

My anxiety started when I was around 3... maybe younger. My depression started at 5 when my dad got arrested with a loaded gun on him and was planning suicide. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks because of it. He was always short and irritable with me and my sisters and I was a daddy’s girl so it hurt me a lot. I’ve always been bullied by other kids for being awkward and shy... and at 12 I started cutting myself and s struggle with the addiction of self harm.

At 15 I developed bulimia and started abusing prescription codeine cough syrup. At 16 I overdosed on it... nobody knew because they were used to me spending so much time alone in my room. I would cut myself all over my body every day and nobody even found out til I was 16.

At 14 I started what would be 8 years of an on and off relationship with a guy from Oregon... my mom had to scrape my crying ass up off the high school lawn when I was 16 because of him. I started dating a guy from Winnipeg, Ontario (Que) at 17 who was 21 and lost my virginity to him at 18 on my birthday. 6 months later over Christmas break he raped me...

...that was the main thing that has made it so hard for me to open up to people. I’m scared of getting hurt again....

At 18 I also met up with a guy twice who was 14 years older than me and slept with him out of sheer loneliness.

After high school I couldn’t afford to go to the college I got accepted to so I went to mcc to be a preschool teacher failed out and later went back for forensic anthropology... failed out again.

At 19 I overdosed again... passed out for 16 hours and woke up to the cops and my parents at my bedroom door. That was the first time I was hospitalized.

After that I started dating the only guy I ever loved completely... and in 2014 I broke up with him cause the guy from Oregon asked me to come back to him and I was really depressed and idk what I was thinking but I fucked up and that same day broke up with josh (also from canada) and the guy from oregon(Kurt) came to visit in the fall of 2014... we slept together... and I got pregnant but had a miscarriage when I was 3 months along. ...

In the spring of 2015 I got my phlebotomy certificate, and in October of 2015 I moved to Portland Oregon only to find out Kurt talked me into selling everything I owned and moving 1500 miles just to tell me when I got there he just wanted to be friends with benefits.

I went along with it despite being hurt about it and angry... but a week after I got there I made my first of 3 suicide attempts while there. I went on a whisky and Xanax binge and had to have my stomach pumped. The third time they finally hospitalized me and I agreed to go home to Iowa. I was on Oregon for seven weeks but it felt like a lifetime.

Spring of 2016 I had chest surgery due to calcified lymph nodes in my chest and an abscess that needed drained by my lung. I thought I was going to die from all of that honestly.

In the summer of 2016 I met Brent and dated the immature 19 year old for a while but it didn’t work out because we were too different.

In fall of 2016 I went to job corps, left on medical leave in spring of 2017 for my gallbladder and a 9mm kidney stone and never went back.

I have been hospitalized for my depression and anxiety 11 times now, have self harmed and attempted suicide more times than I can count. And I don’t cope well with my emotions. I’m a mess and push people away because I am scared they will find me as worthless as I find myself.

I also lied about not watching porn... I go months without watching any and then get into binges of it which is ridiculous. And I’m into some weird stuff that I don’t think anyone would accept, so I don’t really talk about it. I also left out something that happened at 19 that I consider to be my deepest darkest secret and it makes me a freak and a horrible person.

In short ... I was almost to the point of falling for you and was terrified of it ... I don’t open up to people easily, and I know I’m blowing your phone up and you don’t even want to hear any of this. But this is my way of opening up and apologizing :( I’m sorry.

#personal #broken #misunderstood #trigger warning #self harm #suicide #rape #trauma #drugs #alcohol #depression #borderline personality disorder #about me

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