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urprettylittlething · 8 months

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Breeding Experiment

Yandere - Gojo Satoru x CursedKitty! Reader x Geto Suguru

A/N - Another part of CursedKitty universe! After a few very late nights and some glasses of wine I present to you a NSFW oneshot drabble thing where they fuck and want to breed Kitty :) I warn you this is my first time trying to seriously write some smut let alone a breeding kink so i apologise profusely in advance if this sucks, do let me know how it is <3 (and thank you to the lovely person to suggest breeding link <3) If you want to send in your own ideas for Kitty, my inbox is open! <3

summary - Gojo and Geto found out they can fuck you, can they breed you?

warnings - Dubcon/Noncon-ish? Kitty is having a pretty good time but they didnt ask for consent and she doesn’t really understand, female anatomy, they call Reader 'Kitty' and 'Experiment' a few times, cum, eating Kitty out, smut, breeding kink, vague Yandere vibes, they’re a little mean, (let me know if i need to add more please)

genre - Oneshot Drabble thing

wc - 1.3K

Edit - spelling and grammar fixed 09/10/23

Gojo was leaning back against his headboard, a few pillows stuffed underneath him. His legs were spread in front of him, knees bent so he could dig his feet into the mattress below him. Kitty was in his lap, her back resting against his hard chest. Her little tail was wound tight around her waist to keep it from getting crushed between the two of them.

The only thing she was wearing was a long and clean shirt, given to her by Satoru. She wasn’t wearing any underwear as him and Suguru deemed it unnecessary. She was for their eyes only so it didn't matter too much to them, and Kitty didn't seem to mind either. She looked similar to how the two of them first found her, but now she was cleaned, properly scrubbed and groomed to their satisfaction.

Her Kitty ears were pressed flat against her hair as she pressed against Gojo. Each leg of hers had been hoisted up and over Gojos, keeping them hooked back and her pussy exposed.

‘She’s such a dumb little thing.’ Gojo thought to himself. There she was, squirming against him, trying to close her legs. Not even thinking of just lifting her legs up so she could close them. No matter, it made his job so much easier of keeping her upper half restrained.

He had wrapped his hands around her wrists and kept them tucked against her own chest. ‘And what a tease too.’ All of Kittys squirming had riled him up, getting him hot and bothered the longer she unintentionally grinded her ass against his hard cock.

Suguru on the other hand had been between her legs for just over twenty minutes now. Eating her out like it was his last meal while she mewled, gasped and cried against Gojo.

If Gojo was being completely honest, he didn't expect him and Suguru to take it this far. But they couldn't help their naturally curious nature.

Especially after the first bath they had been forced to give her. The both of them had quickly figured out just how little she knew, or understood for that matter. Rendering her useless to do most things by herself when she didn't understand them.

Anyway, it was only natural for their eyes to wander, allowing themselves to take in the full image of her nude self.

It shocked them a little to see just how much she resembled a human girl. She was equipped with full anatomy (atleast to their eyes on the outside), except the ears and tail of course. So it was only natural, the curious human nature of them, to think about whether… well… whether she worked or not.

It had been around two weeks since then and in Gojos opinion he would say the two of them had held out pretty well, given his inability to be patient most times. But alas, here they were now.

Suguru groaned from where he was slurping Kitty’s juices from between her legs. “From all the curses I’ve had to swallow, she has to be the sweetest.”

Gojo gave a huff in response, a tad salty that he didn't get to go first, but it's whatever. The view he had been blessed with almost made up for it anyway.

And of course poor Kitty seemed overwhelmed already, her chest heaving, body hot and sweaty, her ears flattened and twitching against her head and eyes half lidded. Her pouty mouth open, gasping and mewling incoherent noises at the pleasure Sugurus tongue was forcing her to experience for the first time.

Every flick against the sensitive little nub causes her hips to jerk, mewling even louder. Every wiggle of his tongue inside her caused her to squirm even harder against Gojo as she cried out.

“Poor thing,” Gojo murmurs, “I doubt she even understands what we're doing to her. Atleast shes enjoying it.”

Suguru finally pulls his face away from her pussy, rising up to kneel on his legs from between hers. His mouth and chin were covered in Kittys juices. He starts pulling off his clothing, using his shirt to wipe around his mouth.

As he was pulling off his last article of clothing, Kitty was starting to squirm again. Making little noises and whines that neither of the two really understood, not quite understanding why the stimulation had all of a sudden stopped.

They had quickly figured out that she couldn't communicate with them in any language. Tugging at their shirts and whining at them to indicate she needed something. Although they had learned that she could understand them, to a certain extent.

Gojo hushed her and leaned down to press gentle kisses against her exposed neck. “Shh.. Calm down Kitty. Suguru is going to take real good care of you now.” She seemed to calm a little at that.

Suguru leaned forward, now on his knees between them. With Kittys forcibly spread legs, courtesy of Gojo, on either side of him it allowed him to place his hands on the flesh of her thighs. The tip of his throbbing cock now poking and teasing at her little hole.

“Should be nice and easy, Kitty. Nice and wet, such a good girl for us, huh?” Suguru said, beginning to push his way into her tight hole, loosened up a little from his tongue. Kitty’s walls fluttered and pulsed around him while he bowed his head and groaned.

“God, for a curse this pussy is tight. Warm too.” He muttered as he inched himself further into her heat.

“Bet she could take both of us. Such a dirty little kitty we have on our hands, enjoying Sugurus cock so much, aren't you?” Gojo teased as she mewled and moaned and pawed at them. Her head was tilted back and resting against his shoulder, a small dribble of drool escaping down the side of her mouth. He couldn't blame her, after all, she had bigger priorities to worry about right now.

“Could fill this pussy up so well. Breed her like the bitch she is.” Suguru groaned, furrowing his brows as he began pumping in and out of her tight walls.

“You think we could breed her?” Gojo perked up a little in interest. The thought was certainly entertaining given the throbbing in his pants.

“If we stuff her full enough, probably.” He grunted in response. Beginning to thrust his hips into Kittys even harder. Wet, slapping sounds filled the room they were in, almost louder than the little curse situated in Gojos arms.

She began to pant and whine, droplets of tears gathering in the corners of her eyes as she squinted, her tongue poking out from between her lips. They both could take a good guess as to what was about to happen.

Suguru began to fuck into her even harder while Gojo reached down with one hand, the other keeping a hold of her wrists, to flick and rub and pinch at her little clit poking out from all the pleasure.

Kitty screeched and cried as her ears trembled and her tail shuddered from where it was wrapped tightly around her. Her orgasm overwhelmed her, causing her pussy to tighten and gush with even more juices. Making the sounds from between them sound even wetter.

Suguru threw his head back, groaning as he emptied his load deep inside her as Gojo leaned down to whisper into her ear.

“We're going to breed you, you’d want that right? Have your tummy round and full with our child, all for you to look after. Stuffed full with our cum, our perfect little experiment, huh?” His fingers are still rubbing and circling the throbbing nub, making her cry and tremble and squirt more of her juices.

He only stopped when Suguru had recovered and began pulling himself out of Kitty’s fluttering walls. Both pausing to stare at the way his cum oozed out from her little pussy.

Kitty’s eyes fluttered while her ears relaxed against her hair, closing her eyes in bliss and seemingly exhausted.

Suguru and Gojo looked up at each other after a moment of silence between them and what had just occurred before he spoke up.

“Come on Kitty, my turn.”

#I Hope you enjoy my attempt at smut </3 #geto x reader #gojo x reader #geto suguru #gojo saturo #jujutsu kaisen x reader #yandere geto suguru #yandere geto #yandere gojo #yandere gojo satoru #CursedKitty #gojo smut #geto smut

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eyesthatroll · 8 months

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GIVE ME AN ANSWER!

pairing: jack hughes x fem!reader

warning(s): cursing, angst(??), not sure what else, not edited

word count: 2.5k

author’s note: not super happy with this, it feels a bit underdeveloped, but i can’t watch it sit in my drafts any longer. i didn’t write this with a part ll in mind, by the way. this was supposed to turn into something else, but that didn’t work out + i lost inspiration so it is what it is. sidenote, if you have any angsty/sad prompts/requests, pls send ‘em in, it’s my favourite thing to write! sending love, —mari

You couldn't help but feel like a creep, huddled in the corner of the dimly lit booth, your gaze fixated on them from across the bar. In front of you, a nearly forgotten gin and tonic sat, its ice cubes melting as you absentmindedly swirl them around with a small black straw. If anyone were to inquire, you'd insist that your attention was solely on the flat-screen TV mounted on the wall behind them, broadcasting a wrestling match you had zero interest in.

You wondered if He was somehow aware of your unwavering gaze fixed upon him from across the room. It crossed your mind that perhaps he was deliberately flirting with the stunning redhead as a sly ploy to put on a spectacle, fully cognizant of your watchful eyes. Did He hope to incite jealousy within you? You nearly chuckled at the absurdity of the idea. The notion of feeling envious over a girl with her hands lightly grazing his arm seemed laughable. After all, just a few days ago, he had been lying naked between the sheets in your bed. So, no, you weren't jealous, and you certainly weren't about to let jealousy rear its head.

Yet, there was a gnawing irritation within you. He had, after all, extended a personal invitation your way, urging you to join him and his teammates for what he touted as their "one last hurrah" before the start of the new season. It irked you that he was lavishing so much attention on someone else, given this context. The annoyance was unmistakably etched across your features. Your poker face had long deserted you, and you didn't care to conceal your disdain. Several drinks deep, with a pleasant buzz now enveloping you, you found yourself in a carefree state where your demeanor wasn't a primary concern.

You eventually shift your gaze from him, an uneasy feeling retreating in your stomach. You instead direct your attention to Baby Hughes, who is engrossed in a game of darts with John. A small smile graces your lips as the younger boy, with his earnest enthusiasm, throws a dart that sails far wide of the board, disappearing into some unseen corner. John throws his head back in laughter, and it's evident that he's playfully ribbing Luke, who responds with a melodramatic explanation for his errant throw, punctuating with wild hand gestures. You contemplate joining them, when a towering figure looms over you, casting a shadow that demands your immediate notice.

"Is this seat taken?" You find yourself under the scrutiny of a tall, attractive blonde who's looking down at you. A hopeful smile adorns his lips, revealing dimples that only add to his charm. His right hand holds a beer, while the other rests casually at the nape of his neck, lightly tugging the hair. Your eyes travel appreciatively from his warm gaze, down his well-dressed figure. Blondie sported black slacks that complement a maroon long-sleeve dress shirt neatly tucked in, with the top buttons lazily undone, revealing a small, glimmering gold cross. The choice of attire piqued your curiosity; he seemed a bit overdressed for a local, family owned bar.

Your minds flickers back to Him, and you contemplate stealing a quick glance in his direction to see if he's still in conversation that girl. However, you are somewhat physically trapped behind the man standing in front of you, preventing any discreet surveillance without making your intentions obvious. Opting for a polite smile instead, you gesture with a welcoming hand for the handsome stranger to take the seat in front of you.

You observe the visible sigh of relief escaping him, his eyes momentarily betraying his unease. With a sheepish smile, he gently places his drink on the table and eases himself into the booth.

His voice, raspy and honestly deeper than you expected, breaks the silence. "I'm Anthony, by the way." He extends his hand toward you, but halts for a moment, perhaps feeling slightly awkward at the formality.

You respond with a light chuckle, reaching out to meet his hand with yours for a firm handshake. "I'm Y/N, nice to meet you."

The conversation with Anthony flows effortlessly, each word weaving a tapestry of connection that unravels the initial awkwardness. You discover that he's in town for a friend's wedding, which explains the formal attire, and that he's a native Rhode Islander. He confesses his nervousness about approaching you, and when you jest about whether it's due to your so-called "resting bitch face," he denies it vehemently.

He smiles, his eyes sincere as he offers, "It's always a bit nerve-wracking to approach the most beautiful girl in the room."

You can't help but snort at his compliment, your hand quickly covering your mouth in embarrassment.

Unbeknownst to you, your surprised snort captures His attention, and his head snaps in your direction, drawn by the sound of your voice cutting through the bar's lively atmosphere. His gaze lowers at the sight of a guy in front of you, and the smile on your lips as you laugh again at something he's said. He watches, as the guy's hand moves to rest on yours, and his jaw tightens, his mind racing with questions about what could possibly be so amusing in your conversation.

"Jack, are you listening to me?" A manicured hand slides into his view, weaving through the air in a bid to recapture his attention. Clearing his throat, he absentmindedly runs a hand through his unruly brown locks before reluctantly refocusing his eyes on the redhead before him. She beams at him, her lips quickly resuming what she had been saying before his lost concentration. The truth was, he hadn't been listening to her at all.

He can't focus on her words, not with the image of you and that guy now engraved into his mind. The mere thought consumes his every breath, causing him to bite at his bottom lip out of agitation. He racks his brain for a way to gracefully escape the everlasting conversation with the redhead, and as if on cue, the universe seems to answer his silent plea, when the girl in front of him glances at the clock. Her eyes widen in alarm as she realizes the time.

"Shit, I didn't realize it was this late. I've got to get going," she apologized, her lips forming a slight pout. Jack sends her a reassuring smile, nodding his head in understanding.

"It's cool, it was fun while it lasted," He replies plainly, standing up from his barstool with a nod.

She frowns, mirroring his actions. "Did you want to maybe exchange numbers, or something?" Her voice holds a glimmer of hope.

He pauses, pretending to think for a moment, even though he doesn't really need to as the answer was always going to be the same. "No, sorry. Have a good night, Isla."

You don't even notice Him walking over to you, too consumed in the vibrant conversation that you shared with the man in front of you. It's only when Anthony's gaze travels past your head, his lips pausing mid sentence, that you finally catch sight of him. You follow Anthony's gaze, angling your body around in the small booth.

You open your mouth to speak, but His cold palms cup your cheeks, drawing you into a passionate, yet utterly unexpected and somewhat unwelcome kiss. Your eyes widen, caught off guard, and your lips don't have time to react before he gently pulls away. His fingers tenderly brush aside a stray strand of hair that had fallen across your face, and he looks down at you with an innocent smile. "Hi, my love. Is everything okay?"

You're too dumbfounded to formulate a response, still struggling to register what just transpired as Jack gently nudges you aside and smoothly settles into the booth next to you. As you lock eyes with Anthony, it's evident he feels extremely uncomfortable, his gaze darting uneasily between you and Jack.

"Hey, man. How's it goin'?" Jack asks with a casual grin, his tone laid-back as he eases into the booth. His arm naturally drapes around your shoulders, as if it's a habitual gesture that's been repeated countless times. You go to shrug him off, but his grasp tightens, pulling you even closer against his side.

"Hey... hi," Anthony's gaze leaves Jack, focusing solely on you as he speaks again. "You didn't say you had a..."

Jack interjects, cutting off Anthony before he can finish his sentence. "Boyfriend? Yeah, she does."

Your elbow makes sharp contact with Jack's side, prompting a quick release of his arm from around your shoulder. He winces, but swiftly regains his composure, though not without a slight scoff escaping his lips. "He's not my boyfriend."

"You weren't saying that last night?" Jack didn't come to yours last night, and even if he had, he was the one requesting that whatever was happening between the two of you to remain casual.

I don't have time for a full blown relationship, he said.

All of my focus needs to be on hockey, he said.

Things are fine as they are, let's not ruin it, he said.

And what? He gets to flirt and fuck around with as many puck bunnies as he wants, but the minute you try and do the same, it's suddenly a problem? Not only was he not your boyfriend, but he didn't even want to be, he had no right to get jealous. And he especially had no right to rush over here and kiss you the way he did.

You pivot towards Jack, your fury emanating from every pore. His T-zone area has a faint reddish tint, and his breaths come fast and heavy. "Aren't you busy entertaining Jessica Rabbit?"

He tilts his head back in laughter at your nickname for the redhead he's been conversing with all night. Clearing his throat to regain composure, he gazes at you with a grin, teeth lightly grazing his lower lip as he tries to suppress a smirk that manages to break free regardless. "Jealous?"

You scoff, an incredulous look overtaking your face as you stumble over your words at his accusation. "Me? Jealous? Jealous of what? Listening to you talk about yourself for an hour? God, you're so full of it."

"Wouldn't you like to be?" He mumbles under his breath.

His perverted insinuation prompts a gasp to escape your lips, and your face ignites with embarrassment. Anthony's eyes are locked on the awkward exchange, his expression a mixture of horror and discomfort. You hurriedly bring your hands to your face, rubbing your eyes intensely, yearning for this nightmarish moment to come to an end.

"I don't... I don't know what's happening," he stammers, slipping out of the booth to rise to his feet. Anthony takes a final sip of his beer, his head shaking in disbelief. "But clearly, there's... something between the two of you."

You find yourself at a loss for words because, in a way, he isn't entirely wrong. You and Jack weren't in a defined relationship, but there was undoubtedly something brewing between the two of you, despite both of you attempting to ignore it. It wouldn't be right to involve Anthony in the midst of your complicated situation, no matter how appealing and genuine he seems.

"I'm sorry." You apologize.

He shakes his head. "It's alright. It was nice to meet you, Y/N. Maybe I'll see you around." With those words, he walks away from your table, heading toward the exit.

Jack shifts next to you, a content sigh escaping his lips. "He seemed nice."

"What's your problem?!" You hiss, jabbing your finger into his chest. "You invite me out with you and then completely ignore me the whole night? What the fuck, Jack!"

He meets your intensity head-on, responding in self-defense. "You started it!"

"How, Jack, how? How did I start it?"

"You were flirting with Dawson!"

A scoff escapes your lips, followed by an incredulous laugh. "I was not flirting with Dawson!"

You needed to escape the bar. The conversation had spiraled into a heated exchange, and the air in the crowded space felt increasingly suffocating. You were determined not to create a scene, but it was clear that staying any longer would only escalate tensions.

Without hesitation, you start pushing Jack, who reluctantly lets his body be forced out of the booth. He struggles to regain his footing as you forcefully move past him, heading straight for the exit.

As you pass through the door and step outside, the brisk New Jersey air envelopes you, offering a welcome contrast to the heated atmosphere inside. The chill grazes your exposed skin, providing a refreshing respite from the intense emotions swirling within. Jack hastily follows you, his fingers gripping your arm in an attempt to halt your departure, but you had no intention of walking away this time.

You pivot to confront him, your gaze unwavering and filled with a determination that mirrored the intensity in his own eyes, which held an enigmatic spark you couldn't quite decipher.

"It's not fair," you assert, your hands gently settling on his chest, seeking the warmth of his presence. He remains silent, leaving you to fill the void with your thoughts and emotions, or leave, and say nothing.

You stand there, torn between two choices. The option to say nothing and simply walk away, leaving behind all the headaches, the arguments, and the pettiness, but also bidding farewell to the good days, the shared laughs, and the nights spent wrapped up in each other. It's a choice to say goodbye to Jack Hughes, the one who has become the only constant in your life for the past three months.

Or the second choice, the most daunting path to take. It's the option where you stand in front of him, your heart pounding in your chest, and confess everything you've been holding in. To leave it all on the floor, a vulnerable offering for him to accept or decline. It's the scariest option of all, baring your heart to the boy on the hockey team, even after he's made it clear many times that he isn't looking for anything serious.

"We're not exclusive, Jack." You begin. "You can't keep swooping in and acting like you have some sort of ownership over me when you don't even want to be my boyfriend."

He waits, the stillness between you heavy with unspoken words, expectancy etched across his features. When your silence lingers, he takes the initiative. "Let me take you home," he offers.

"Either you want me, only me, or I'm done."

He pressures. "Let me take you home."

"Give me an answer!"

He sighs, a deep and exasperated sound, his fingers instinctively tangling in the roots of his hair as he grapples with the complexity of the situation. "I can't give you the answer you want."

#jack hughes #jack hughes imagine #jack hughes imagines #jack hughes x you #jack hughes x reader #jack hughes fluff #jack hughes fic #jack hughes blurb #jack hughes fanfiction

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sirfrogsworth · 6 months

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Most of my photos were from 2012 to 2016. I have learned a lot since then. My photo restoration hobby has improved my image editing skills in general. And I was curious if I tried editing one of my photos from scratch if I could improve upon my original edit from years ago.

This is my friend Nicole.

( @nicolebelongs I hope you don't mind being my guinea pig for this.)

This is just a direct output of the original RAW file. RAW files are typically flat by nature so you have more latitude when processing and editing.

This is my original finished edit from 2016.

I actually made a pretty big lighting mistake when shooting this photo. A beauty dish can cause harsh reflections on makeup and so Nicole's forehead bounced all that light directly into my camera. I was still learning back then and didn't know anything about makeup. All that was required was angling the dish a few degrees up or down, which feels like a pretty silly mistake all these years later.

And here is my 2023 edit. I did not reference the 2016 image until after I finished.

The main priority was the glare on the forehead, but I think this is much more balanced overall as well. I also tried to fix the weird neck shadow and the lack of light in the eyes. I probably should have used a reflector originally, but thankfully Photoshop has a solution to almost any photography blunder. I removed some vellus hairs on the edge of the face, as that is not something you would notice in real life, but the camera and lights can exaggerate them. I'd also like to say I love the new remove tool. Getting rid of flyaway hairs was such a monotonous pain in the ass before and that thing just zaps them with a click.

I am also trying to learn new editing techniques I was never good at. There is a retouching technique called "dodging & burning" that I had trouble with back in the day. Mostly because finding advanced tutorials can be difficult. Much of the content on YouTube focuses on beginner techniques.

Dodging & burning was originally innovated by Ansel Adams back in the days of film. He would block portions of his negatives for a second or two so those areas would develop darker. Or he would let sections expose longer so they would be brighter. It was basically analog Photoshop. You can see a neat video of his darkroom here.

While Ansel mostly did landscapes, portrait photographers of the digital age utilize dodging & burning to help bring out dimension in the face. It's quite similar to makeup contouring, actually. It is very hard to perfectly light every nook and cranny on a face and many portrait lenses are slightly telephoto. Longer lenses compress faces to remove distortion, but you end up losing three-dimensionality as a tradeoff.

My first attempt dodging and burning did not go well but I played with this photo for a few hours trying many different approaches and I think I landed on something I like. But I have been staring at it for way too long, so it is hard for me to look at it objectively.

I do wish we could all look at this on the same display. Green is notoriously difficult to keep consistent from screen to screen.

In any case, there are a dozen subtle things I did with my upgraded knowledge that may not be noticeable individually, but I'm hoping it all adds up to a better finished result.

And I guess we'll see if there is a consensus regarding the dodging & burning. Either good, bad, or just... different.

#photography

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severussnapemylove · 7 months

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For @add-a-bit-of-neurospice <3 Took some editing time to get the story line right. AU, Severus and reader are childhood friends turned sweethearts. Sev doesn't become a death eater and he and reader leave Hogwarts together after graduation. Reader's dirtbag father is being troublesome. Tried to kept the details pretty neutral for the individuality of the reader. Title is from "Not while I'm around" by Stephen Sondheim.

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Not While I'm Around

You and Severus had walked away from everything the day after graduation. You'd known each other since you were nine. Inseparable friends, first in Cokeworth, then Hogwarts. You were each other's confidant and protector, you told each other things no one else knew. And you both knew exactly why neither of you wanted to set foot in your childhood homes ever again. You'd found a cheap place to live and some work. And somewhere along the way of finding your own place in the world, you and Severus had realised how much you loved each other.

Unfortunately, walking out on your old life hadn't been as easy as you'd hoped. You didn't know how your father had found your new address. But seemingly out of nowhere he had. First it had been phone calls, which lead to you unplugging the phone from the wall. Then the letters. All of which you tore up and burned without reading. You didn't care what he had to say. It would just be the same manipulative, gaslighting spew it had always been. Your breaking point was when you'd gone to the shops one day and he'd found you there. Trying to push you into talking to him, saying that you couldn't just ignore family. You felt ice in your veins and sick to your stomach. Without a word, you pushed past him and almost ran home.

When you reached your flat, you shut the door hard and locked it before leaning your weight against the wood. The sound of the door slamming drew Severus's attention away from his writing and he hurried towards you, concerned at the state you were in. "Y/n? What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He asked, softly. His hands tracing your face and arms, checking for signs of harm. You collapsed against his chest, tears finally falling and he wrapped his arms around you, half holding you up as he lead you to the small couch. "What happened, Love? Tell me." You stayed curled up in his arms with your head against his chest while you cried and told him about your father cornering you in the store. He stayed quiet till you'd finished and kissed the top of your head, "It's alright, my love. You're safe now. I won't let him near you again. I promise. And we'll be leaving here soon, remember?" You started to smile a bit at the reminder. Severus had secured a job at the Apothecary in Diagon Ally, you were moving to London soon. Hopefully far enough to finally be free of your old life.

The two of you stayed cuddled up on the couch for a while longer, before a knocking at the door startled you both. Giving you a reassuring squeeze before getting up, Sev went to the door and checked through the peephole. As he suspected, it was your father. Sev looked back to you, "Wait there, I'll handle this." he said before opening the door and walking out, shutting it behind him and keeping your father hidden from your view.

The man looked at Severus with distain, "Who the hell are you? I'm looking for my kid." Severus fixed the man with an icy glare and said coldly, "I believe y/n has already made their opinion of you clear. Leave, now." "I'm their father, you can't keep me away." The man spluttered. "A poor excuse for one. Y/n does not want to see you. Now leave, before you find yourself turned into something unpleasant and washed down a storm drain." Knowing he didn't stand a chance against Severus's magic, your father had no choice but to relent and headed down the corridor. Still fuming but intimidated by Severus's cold black glare and the threat aimed his way.

Severus went back inside the flat, locking the door behind him and casting a protection seal on the lock just in case. His heart ached when he saw you, curled up in a ball on the couch with tears silently sliding down your face. He gently freed your arms from your folded up position and pulled you up into a tight hug, "I've got you. He's gone, he won't be getting near you. And we'll be far away from here soon." You pressed your face against the crook of his neck, feeling your stress slowly start to ebb away. You'd always felt safe with him, ever since you were a child. Things would work out right eventually, and as long as Severus was there, the ghosts of the past couldn't reach you again.

#Hope you like this :)#If you know the movie Truly Madly Deeply?#The way Jamie picks up Nina into a hug is how I'm picturing how Sev hugs #Tried to find a gif to add but couldn't find a good one #severus snape #severus snape x reader #pro severus snape #reader insert #gift fic #fanfic #AU #young severus #tw trauma

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sailingshellsgames · 2 months

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The Revamped Demo of chapters 1-7 is up! (+ chapter 8 alpha now available on patreon/ko-fi)

You can play it here! Reminder: this is a revamp so there's no new chapter, but there is new content (see below for a list of what's been changed/added/removed)

If you're interested in chapter 8's alpha, you can find it on Patreon and Ko-fi! (along with a bunch of other content)

And as always, thank you so much for playing! If you're someone who likes hugs, then I'm sending you a big one! 💞

What's new in chapters 1-7:

Additions:

General

Introduction of auto-success more.

More weird dreams + strengthening of the subplot around what MC sees in them.

Introduction of the dream journal mechanic.

More dialogue choices throughout the entire demo.

More descriptions of environments: MC's living quarters, the Den Compound, desert terrain around Leas, and city architecture.

Rearranged the stats screen and added clarity for MC's reputation among the Fey via an opposed pair bar.

General editing (word choice, etc.)

Chapter 1

MC's favored weapon can now be a bow! 🏹

Choice added to set MC's skin color.

A few more dialogue choices around MC reacting to the vision Keo has in Chapter 1.

Clearer explanation of MC agent backgrounds. Each now comes with explicit statement of what stats will be increased upon selection.

Chapter 2

Option to specify MC's tattoos. There are 4 pre-designed options, or you can design your own! (or choose no tattoos, if that's not your cup of tea). This includes the ability to add/remove/modify tattoos via the stats screen.

Chapter 3

Define how MC and Keo became friends.

Relatedly, more content setting up the fact that MC can't remember the agent found dead in the warehouse in Chapter 2.

Virano and Adaan mini-catfight (is it me, the author? am I the drama?)

Bug fix where a character already in the room would enter that room.

Chapter 4

A new dream.

Conversation around Virano's family's role in the nobility.

A little bit of Fey-weirdness around the Ashaad.

Conversation around the campfire with the team, mentions some of why Wren came to Leas.

Chapter 5

An explanation of Chapter 4's Fey weirdness that kind of just raises more questions, but does answer at least one of them.

Chapter 6:

A new dream.

Determining which of the three paths to take in the wilds is now a skill check.

General editing.

Chapter 7:

Yet another revision of the waterfall dream/flashback scene. This one's taken so long to get right, but I'm finally happy with it. Victory screech.

Moved Wren's reason for coming to Leas into the main story, so the choice option that explored that on their date now allows MC to dig in to learn a little more.

More dialogue choices in the scene where Keo's heritage is discovered during Lasan (if it didn't happen in the wilds).

Another choice in Wren's date going into the legend behind Lasan more, and a little about Wren's family.

Removals:

Keo no longer goes into seeing the magic in a vision. Removing this was part of a consolidation effort on my part. Tldr; I had too many side plots and needed to scrap some of them. Keo still has a reason for wishing to pursue the magic, if MC tries to refuse Rin. I actually like it a lot better now, which is a happy coincidence.

In Chapter 7, going to the wilds to see Keo's mother is no longer an option. Don't worry: everything I wrote for it will be used in book 2 :) But for book 1 it created a weird imbalance where the three options were so different they didn't converge well back into the main route.

Removed the ability to give Virano a sample of the magic or not. With all the other potential endgame outcomes, this got scrapped to consolidate things. I was finding it didn't really have a meaningful impact on the larger story despite reading like a major plot point, so in the bin it goes.

#leas: city of the sun #demo #demo update #demo link #alpha #patreon #ko-fi

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dalchiid · 2 years

Text

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 8

A story of obsession, fear, and lust. You're a maid whose Masters forbid you in meeting their guests for the night but your luck runs dry when you run into them and catch the attention of Lord Hoseok himself. He's smitten from the beginning and thus, your fate has been decided.

Pairing: Yandere Vampire Hoseok x Fem/AFAB Reader

Word Count: 3,545

Warnings: 18+, Yandere, Obsession, Possessive, Angst, Fear, Blood, Biting, Dub-Con, Eventual smut

Will add or remove warnings based on what's in each chapter.

I do not condone the behavior being exhibited in my work. This is solely for entertainment purposes and I hope if any of you are ever in a situation like this that you have the chance and ability to run away from it. Take care out there.

DO NOT copy, edit, or repost my work anywhere.

Chapter 8 Warnings: Yandere, Possessive, Obsession

A/N: It's a shorter chapter but it just felt right this way. I promise to get back to longer chapters again

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Hoseok's head falls into the crook of your neck where he pants tiredly. His one hand holds your arm that's beneath him and his other covered in his essence. He makes sure to hold it away from you and waits until he regains his breath to get up and wash it. As soon as his energy comes to again he leans back to look at you. You don't know how you must look to him. You feel out of it and just want to hide in a ditch somewhere never to come out. Hoseok leans his head down to give you a soft kiss but you don't reciprocate. Instead lying motionless beneath him.

You watch him get up and walk to the bathroom where you hear the running water of the sink. You take the time to fix your pants and tuck your shirt back in. Sitting up you groan at the pain that consumes you but you deserve it. You deserve to suffer after what you just did. You're still in disbelief of it all.

The running water stops and it takes Hoseok just a few more minutes until he comes back into the room. He smiles at you but you have a hard time smiling back. You feel awkward in his presence but he doesn't seem to notice or, at least, care. He approaches to kneel down before you and wraps his hands around yours. He stares at them for a while before placing a kiss on each finger. You cringe.

When he's done he looks up at you with adoration in his eyes.

"How's your head, my love?"

It takes you a moment to find your voice. "Hurts but not as bad."

He nods. "Over time it gets better and sooner rather than later the withdrawal effects will take longer to kick in and won't be as bad."

You don't answer. You don't know how to. Feeling overwhelmed you pull one of your hands away to scratch your neck. It's partly where he marked you and the skin feels irritated from all his nips. Hoseok notices and pulls your hand away as he goes to stand.

"Don't scratch at it. You'll irritate your skin." He pulls at the collar of your shirt to see where he's marked you and pauses. He grows stiff in your presence before you feel him gently touch the spot.

Your body freezes under his hold before you jerk away. He'd been touching the scar from your attack.

"I didn't know he's bitten you on your neck before." Hoseok's voice contains no emotion as he speaks.

You look down at your arm and stare at the spot he's bitten you on. Your finger runs across the edges and you know you'll have to cover this up while it heals.

"Y/N." Hoseok calls for your attention.

You sigh. "It wasn't my Master."

"Then who was it?"

Your brows draw together in slight irritation. "It was someone else. A Lady from a different estate. I don't want to talk about it."

There's silence between you two. The air feels tense but you suspect it's because of you.

Hoseok sighs above you before he sits by your side. An arm goes to wrap around your shoulders and you feel yourself being drawn into his arms. You let him but only because you're starting to feel numb. He kisses the top of your head and squeezes you for a second before letting go.

"I won't let anything bad happen to you. Ever."

You feel like laughing to that though it would be without mirth. He says this yet he's allowed you to become addicted to him. You wonder what he constitutes as bad then.

You pull away and look down at your arm again. The bite wound is going to be a problem. Even if you cover it Hoseok has already tainted you. His saliva is coursing through it as it heals and you're sure his scent is attached to you. It's now more than ever do you realize how badly you messed up and now you'll have to pay for it if and when Hyun-Woo gets to you. You inhale deeply before releasing it into a tired sigh.

Hoseok's hand comes to caress the area lightly as he takes notice of you staring at it. "It shouldn't take long to heal. My saliva has the tendency to heal wounds faster than most."

You feel the way it tingles and wonder if that's because it's healing as quick as he said it would.

"I still have to cover it."

"Of course." He gets up to go to the bathroom in search of something. You can hear the sink cabinets open and close before he returns with a first aid kit. "Luckily this is here."

You nod. "All the rooms have one. You know, just in case."

He smiles as he sits next to you again. He opens up the kit and pulls out what he needs before getting to work. He's quick to clean you up and the way he wraps the bandage around you is done with care. With your wound covered he caresses the gauze before placing a gentle kiss upon it. You wish he'd stop doing that but you know you deserve it. Not the affection but have it lashed upon you like a punishment. You fucked up there was no denying that and Hoseok's affection is proof enough.

You stand with a sigh and look for your cleaning supplies. You need a distraction and opt for cleaning. With that in mind you don't notice the way Hoseok frowns. He looks at you confused as you blatantly ignore him and his affection. You have a hard time looking back in his direction so you choose to clean instead. That's what you were here for in the first place wasn't it? Everything that came after was a distraction. A mistake.

Hoseok stands and slowly makes his way to you. You're by the dresser where you wipe it down until you feel two hands rest upon your shoulders. You tense under them as they try to massage you. Clearing your throat you turn to Hoseok as you speak.

"What are you doing?"

He looks taken aback by your words. "You just seemed tense. You're always working so hard." He shrugs. "You need a break."

You shake your head. "I don't do breaks."

His face morphs into one of surprise. "You mean to tell me you've never had a day off?"

You shake your head no.

To this Hoseok begins to look irritated. "Y/N that's not okay. You're being overworked."

"I like working." You smile but it's more to yourself than him.

You can tell he doesn't believe it but you don't need him to because it's not about him.

You continue to clean in the akward silence choosing to ignore Hoseok's presence. It works for the most part as he doesn't bother you again. You look at him once to see he's staring at his nails but you know it's in boredom. You wish he would leave but he chooses to stay until you're done your work. You're quick though so there isn't much time that he has to wait much to your annoyance. Checking your watch you see it's been an hour since you started but you figure it's been a little over an hour since when you were supposed to start. This includes the time you and Hoseok were doing what you were doing before. You still can't believe it but you know you have to accept it. Didn't mean you had to like it.

You sigh as you stretch your back. You nearly jump when you feel Hoseok slip behind you to massage your lower back almost forgetting his existence. Almost being the keyword here. His thumbs circle the spots where your dimples would be and he applies a sufficient amount of pressure.

"This good?" he asks.

You want to say no but the massage is appreciated. Your body enjoys it much to your brain's horror. Wanting to say no while your body says yes. A pain in the ass conundrum. You sigh in both relief and annoyance placing your hand against the wall as you close your eyes. You gruff at a particular spot as his hands begin to wander. His fingers push higher onto your back and apply more pressure. Your head rounds back before falling forward again before you hear a small chuckle escape Hoseok.

"What," you ask. It leaves you just as gruff as the sounds you've been making.

He chuckles again. "It's just you're so vocal. I like it."

You grumble something along the lines of annoyed gibberish under your breath and it brings another small laugh to ring through Hoseok into the room. You soak it all in for the sake of the massage and revel in the feel of it. It's the least worst of things to happen between you two.

He massages a bit more before stopping to grip your arms and turn you around. You follow his movements until you face him and see a beaming smile across his face. So radiant it could almost come off as blinding. His hand comes to caress your face and you start to feel uncomfortable.

"Hoseok," you start but don't know how to continue.

"Yes, my love?"

You cringe. How could he speak to you like this? Act like this with you? After the mistake you had done. There's no way he could act like this with you. Not when you couldn't reciprocate his affections back.

You sigh before pushing his hand off your face.

"Hoseok," you begin again. "We can't do this."

He looks at you confused before it seems to click in. His face becomes devoid of all emotion. It startles you how he could switch his attitude so easily. You're sure you look uncomfortable before him but it doesn't affect him. He doesn't seem to care after you spoke your words.

"You know what will happen if I walk away, Y/N."

Your nerves are frazzled and your throat runs dry. You try to swallow but you have little spit in your mouth.

You know what Hoseok means and you hate it. Hate how he dangles your fate just above your head. Hate how you fall so easily before him. Hate how your lips part nervously to change his mind.

"I-I meant when I'm working. We can't act this way while I'm working. It'll serve as a distraction for me."

You know he doesn't believe you not with the look that he gives you, but he relents with a small smile. So small it takes you a second to realize it's there. You sigh in small relief when you see it though it is short lived when he leans over you. Leans over you to then place a gentle kiss onto your forehead. He lingers there if but for a moment before pulling back. This time his face is alight with a broader smile.

"Of course, my love." You hate how he says those words so easily. "I get it but also understand that you are mine now and if I wish to please you right here and now you might as well accept it."

His words unnerve you but you can hardly say anything against it. How Hoseok has turned into someone else after your shared experience - it sends a chill up your spine. Someone you have to deal with now and all for a kiss you oh so crave.

You nearly choke on your spit when you think about it - think about him. Hyun-Woo. How would he react to this to Hoseok now that this is an issue? You dread the moment he will find out because he will.

You clear your throat in discomfort. Of course he will. You rub your forehead in distress and Hoseok takes note of it. He grabs your hand to hold it within his own. Carefully bringing it to his lips before letting them hang between each of you. You hold your cleaning supplies in your other hand and make show of them.

"I have to put these away."

Hoseok nods before taking them into his own hand. You struggle to let it go at first but his grip is tight. He won't let you hold it anymore and so you relent. It's odd for a Lord to hold in his hand supplies only a maid should and you know it will make an even odder sight to see in his other hand clasping said maid's hand as well. But this is the sight that greets everyone when the two of you step out of the room much to your grief and embarrassment.

Your skin burns hot and you're sure your face is running red. The tips of your ears not far behind. You wish there weren't so many people in the halls but there are and they stare. Hoseok doesn't seem to mind the attention but you do. You do and you hate it. It's as you lead him to the supplies room does your throat wish to close in surprise and you feel distrust when you spot Saori and another maid. They lean against the wall instead of working but Saori seems to spot you before you do her. Her eyes widen by the slightest bit as her jaw drops. A sliver of a smile graces her face and because of it you know you're damned. Of course the one who enjoys to gossip is the one that spots you and Lord Hoseok hand in hand. Said man doesn't say a word as you shakily open the cleaning supplies door to deposit your things. He doesn't say a word as you slip your hand from his to grab the things and put them away and he doesn't say a word when you're done and he takes your hand once again.

You squeeze your eyes shut in frustration, tears wishing to spring forth. How could he be so clueless unless he knew. Of course he did. He had to know the curious gazes thrown both of your ways. He must not care or must be reveling in them. Whatever the reason you know you couldn't stand it yet Hoseok did not care for you. For your feelings because he takes your hand again like nothing and slips the two of you out of the supplies room and walks off to gods knows where.

He hums a gentle tune while you shake in fear and anger. If he notices he doesn't show it as he leads you both downstairs and to the sliding doors that lead out to the garden. The air is still outside and the sun is out. He takes you both to hide under the umbrella that is settled over the patio table. It's wide enough to cover you both but not enough to hide your shame. It's when you both are seated that you are able to pry your hand from his. He allows you to you know. You know it's because he lets you otherwise he'd have an iron grip on you.

He chuckles to himself as you stare at your hand. You look up at him to see him looking at you. His head rests upon his fist as he stares and you wither under his gaze.

"You know," he starts. "Being with me isn't all that bad."

Your eyes widen by a fraction before squinting. What was he getting at?

"You think I don't notice how you act like being with me, holding my hand is an embarrassment?"

You shake your head. You don't want him to continue on down this path of thoughts lest he try and threaten his kiss away from you once again.

"That's not what this is about."

He frowns but let's you continue.

"I'm just," you pause. "I'm just not used to all of this."

"You mean someone showing you affection?"

You nod but he laughs out loud.

"If there's one thing I don't appreciate it's being taken for a fool, Y/N," he snarls.

Your throat constricts in nervousness. Where was your old Hoseok. Who is this man?

He smiles again like nothing. "I know he must shower you in affection." You already know who he is referring to. "But my affection is different from his. Mine is out of love and you don't need to be embarrassed nor scared of it because what we have is different from what he has to offer."

You sigh out loud. What you had with Hyun-Woo was different of course. Despite him wanting more you wouldn't allow it and Hyun-Woo respected you... for the most part. What you had with Hoseok depended on that kiss of his. If it would have been Hyun-Woo that kissed you you're sure things would have been different for all three of you because what you had with Hoseok now would never have occurred. But Hoseok knew what he was doing and you fell for it. Hard.

You purse your lips as you look away. Your arm still tingles beneath the bandages. More so than usual and you go to grab it. Hoseok notices and smiles your way.

"It's as I said: my saliva works faster than most so by tonight it should be fully healed."

You stare at your arm in wonder and wonder how it must look by now. If it's true what he says then his saliva must be strong. You wonder then if you would be addicted to anyone else knowing his spit is stronger than others. Would the effect still be the same? Your curiosity getting the best of you you ask this question to him out loud.

A strange smile creeps onto Hoseok's face. "You thinking of trying what we have with someone else?" He doesn't sound amused.

You swallow deeply. "No, no. I was just wondering."

He stares at you for a minute without saying a word and his face devoid of all emotion. It's like this for a while before he smiles and stretches his hand out for yours. You hesitantly bring yours out and place it onto his. Hoseok grabs the limb and laces your fingers together.

You both sit like this for a while. Nothing but silence and the discomfort of having your hands close together like this. You sigh after a while as you feel his thumb begin to caress you. His sigh joins your own and you look over his way.

He stares at you and you wonder how long he's been doing so. You clear your throat and it forces a heart shaped smile to take over his face.

"Uncomfortable?" He asks.

You shake your head before looking down timidly. "I just," you start. "I don't know what to do."

He raises his brow in question. "Like?"

You shrug. "I've never done this before."

His watches you for a minute before smiling. "You mean you've never been in a relationship before?"

A relationship. Could you really call this that? No, but for his sake you nod.

"So I'm your first?"

You nod again.

His hand slips from yours to land on your thigh where he caresses you. "In everything?"

It takes you a second to realize what he means by "everything."

You hum in discomfort. "I mean if you discount what I've done to myself beforehand." You don't know why you're telling him this and regret it immediately.

He's silent before groaning. "Whether or not I'm the first just know I'll be the last, okay?"

The way he says this doesn't leave room for argument so you just nod.

"No, Y/N. I need words, okay?"

You bite your lip ready to nod again before you stop yourself. Your lips part and you give a soft "Okay" in response.

He squeezes your thigh before taking your hand again.

The two of you sit outside for a while before you point out that dinner would be starting soon. You tremble at the thought of it. You know you should leave but Hoseok maintains a tight grip on your hand as he speaks.

"Come with me."

You shake your head. "I'm sorry Hoseok but I don't think that's a good idea."

He sighs before tonguing his cheek. "Is it because of Hyun-Woo?"

Hearing his name out loud forces your heart to tremble deep within your chest. You don't answer but your silence is enough for him.

Hoseok clears his throat. "Are you going to let him rule our love life forever?"

What love life you want to scream but feel you can not. Everything felt so wrong and so fucked but you can't bring yourself to speak up on it.

There's more silence between you two and you find you cannot break it. It's up to Hoseok who stays quiet as well. It's like this for another minute before he speaks.

"Fine." You look up at him.

"Fine?"

"Fine as in for tonight you don't accompany me."

As if a huge weight had been lifted off of you, your body sags in relief.

"Thank you, Hoseok."

"I'll find you after though. Understood?"

You bite your lip in nervousness but nod nonetheless.

"Words, Y/N."

"Understood."

#bts x reader #bts fanfic #bts fic #yandere bts #yandere bts x reader #hoseok x reader #yandere hoseok

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dementedspeedster · 3 months

Text

Alright here's my thoughts on a way Thad could have essentially a 'redemption arc' Post-FMA and post death. (Actually in retrospect Post-Rogues Revenge to be specific. I just lump that with FMA. Though I don't accept what happened with Josh Mardon).

This post started as a response/add-on to @radioactive-earthshine's post here, so a bit of its phrasing is in conversation with that post. Though i have done some editing since my first draft of this post.

Please excuse my rambling as I love thinking of Thad from a perspective of post-FMA and post-death and having come back to life for a second chance.

***

Notes:

General Note (before or after you read this post): I guess my big caveat with this idea is that at least some people have to be willing to give Thad a BIG chance and let him try to prove himself in order for it to really work. People gotta be cool with

*1 - Why post Thad's death? - I see Thad's death as a catalyst for him to change or be open to some change because death is such a huge consequence of his actions, but also because 1. Since he's a speedster he's not dead in the traditional way thanks to the Speed Force essentially housing speedsters. And 2. It also gives hm time away from other people and the influence of the Thawnes in order for him to think. He can look at his life and reexamine his own thoughts, feelings, decisions, and essentially his entire life and for once reflect on his own without having to confront someone else, prove himself, or defend his choices in that moment. He can just reflect. Though that won't fix everything. Instead, it is an impetus for Thad to change. (Also just from a comic/visual medium perspective I think it would be cool to delve more into the speedsters who are 'stuck' in the Speed Force. But that's a conversation for another day.)

***

By looking at Thad’s actions post Mercury Falling as being due solely to him and his feelings and desires such as a sense of bitterness, a desire to prove himself, and as a way validate his own existence such as through killing Bart, I can see Thad (preferably post his death)*1 realizing that his previous actions were never going to lead to his own validation. Thad killing Bart while it might have felt good in the moment, ultimately meant nothing and was a bittersweet endeavor because after that moment he loses all purpose and drive with his victory over Bart. He realizes that he was just falling to his own bitterness and the teachings of violence and hatred from the only life he knew.

With the realization that his past actions weren't right, that they didn't truly bring him happiness or validation, he can progress from where he was before. He would no longer be reliant on his hatred toward Bart to propel his life, but instead he would live for himself and live his own life for the first time. He would be free.

Now, just this concept where Thad no longer shackled to his hatred toward Bart in itself could lead to so many different scenarios and paths for Thad as he builds a life for himself (and I could go into that), but specifically in relation to a 'redemption arc' it would lead more specifically toward the tribulations that come with self-discovery and building a life for himself now that he is alive again. Now, I say this specifically with a social perspective in mind with regard to this bit. Because Thad post death would be trying to build a life for himself while people/heroes/most of the Flash Family consider him a villain and still hold his past actions, like killing Bart, against him. It's gonna be hard for him to go through this 'redemption arc' and there are gonna be consequences for Thad's past through how people treat him, but despite that he's still going to try. It's a scenario of self-betterment, but also I think unconsciously he's also trying to make up for what he's done by being a better person than he was.

Setting-wise this arc would be set in the Twin Cities are. Either Keystone City or Central City, so he can't help, but run into members of the Flash Family. But these potential/chance meetings with other Flash Members allows him to make connections; good, bad, and just neutral depending on who it is in the Flash Family he meets and if they're familiar with him.

***

Regarding the topic of redemption when applied to Thad/how he would personally handle the process of redemption/changing:

I think redemption for Thad would be half him fighting his own 'inertia,' his resistance to change. Part of Thad would still be so ingrained in the idea that he is "bad," a villain, and a Thawne (even though he's abandoned the family in every way except name) because that is what he has known for so long and because that is what people are telling him definitively when they see that he's alive again. Thad believes these sorts of things about himself and is also unwilling to let go of his past because it is all he has ever know, so he is fighting the fact that he actually is changing as a person. And this would be further reflected in his actions. He would be consciously putting distance between himself and the Flash family, he would be punishing himself for his previous actions, and SAYING that he has not changed despite how actions would show that he has. Thad's stubborn, but I also think that he would be scared of change as well, and at this part of his life would very much be his own namesake, Inertia.

***

Briefly regarding what his actions would look like at this time as he finds himself and his own life:

I say in this scenario he would overall straddle a sort of anti-hero line though his actions skew toward more heroic, though not to the same degree as heroes. It's not out of a desire to do right for others, but it would be selective in a way and drawing from what he cares about. Like, sure, if he's in the area he will save someone who is in danger, but more specifically I think he would be real conscious of how younger metas are treated, so no one ends up being used like he was in his youth, that they can have a childhood he didn't have, so he would speak up in those kinds of scenarios. Regarding labels: Thad still would probably still stubbornly label himself a villain because of his unwillingness to consciously/overtly change himself as I previously mentioned, but also because of the perspective directed toward him by heroes. Though people can call him whatever they like, but he's still going to do what he think is best.

***

Forgiveness

I agree that forgiveness would be very difficult, but I also think that it would be possible for him to interact with the Flash Family albeit selectively. I think that people like Max and Barry would be the most willing to give Thad a chance and willing to understand that he was used, manipulated, and essentially a child soldier, but also willing to give him a chance and see that he is not the same person he was before if they ran into him again.

Max and Barry are my top contenders for giving Thad a chance because respectively Max understands Thad to a degree. He's experienced who he was a child and the thought he gave to being a hero and potential he had. I don't think he would try to force Thad to become a hero again, but would meet him with some understanding though it might need to be earned somewhat after knowing about Bart's death. I think Max would have to see a bit of a change in Thad for him to fully try to connect with Thad again. It would take a bit of work.

As for Barry, I think he would in general be more open to giving Thad a chance simply if Thad expressed it. I think, in part, it is due to how disconnect Barry sort is from a lot of major events that have happened to his family and in particular Bart. He would be taking Thad more at a face value because he doesn't know Thad or his past. He probably wouldn't know how Thad kidnapped Iris in his youth, and he might not know that Thad is the one who killed Bart (that would probably depend on what he's been informed of by the rest of the family).

Overall, this scenario regardless of who would be willing to give Thad a chance would mostly cause some discord internally for the Flash Family, as they all would have different perspectives of Thad, but also probably regarding perspectives of 'redemption,' whether people can change, and specifically whether Thad can change or if he even deserves a chance.

Ultimately, though what this all would culminate to is either Thad very very VERY slowly becoming sort of a part of the Flash-family or sorta absorbed within the Flash-family circle in the sense that some of the members are willing to give him a chance. (I think there's a touch of hilarity and awkwardness just at the thought of someone like Barry inviting Thad to a holiday dinner. I also think it's also a good way exploring family and the complexities of family and family dynamics when you add someone like Thad to the mix. Kinda like a relative you're not fond of or the black sheep of the family who has history. There's just so many themes that open up when you add Thad to the mix.) It's very much a black sheep scenario. Or that his 'redemption' allows for him to slowly make up for his past. People can feel however they want to feel toward him, they can distrust him still or think it's an act, but the fact he's make strides for himself and as a person slowly becomes undeniable in this scenario as time goes on.

I also think both "outcomes" would allow him to have future appearances and interact with members of the Flash Family as he goes through the process of trying to prove himself/make up for his past.

And that is basically how I would write Thad in a 'redemption' arc. It's not a traditional redemption, but instead it's more focused upon consequences, actively working toward being a better person that you were before, and focused more upon the development than the outcome.

If you have any questions feel free to ask and I'll try my best to answer.

#Inertia #thaddeus thawne #Thad Meta #Thad Thawne #Important #I need to find my other Thad meta posts and see if I've touched on this before.#But that's sorta the concept of this blog but also not exactly.#Thad finding freedom and living his own life/having freedom to make any decision he wants is one of the MAJOR themes of this rp blog.#also me while writing this: I love when society's perceptions of a character influence them.#\o/ i made it make more sense/less ramble-y. thank you subsection headers for existing.#radioactive-earthshine #long post #I am a bit shakey when it comes to Barry but I'm mostly basing this on how he treated Thad in Williamson's run that one time.#I also know I have like a different take on Thad's motivations. I do put more responsibility upon him post Mercury Falling.#whoof this was long idk if I forgot anything but -shrug-

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subwaytostardew · 1 month

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Update: One year on the tracks!

It's been a year (and a week) since we first started working on this mod! April 25th is when I first started working on this project! Terrible timing since that's literally the day before my birthday and I'm too busy to make anniversary updates the day of. Thank you everyone following this mod despite how slow we chug along!

If you see the first ever post Thylak did over on his main - you will just see my little comments discovering his work and instantly being like

*Fast excited ADHD typing* I GOT IDEAS.

Rest is history....

We've been hard at work trying to get the mod complete enough for a (still unfinished...) release! It won't have everything we have planned (marriage events, Elesa events, platonic route, roommateable Cilan, etc.) because it would take forever otherwise (we keep getting ideas for additions...)

So many ideas. Sometimes we have to dial it back...... The amount of times events had to be cut down for concision... and we still struggle to keep them under 8 minutes...

1.6 broke a lot, so sorry for the delay in updates! (WHY CA WHY!) We've been having to do a lot of backtracking and behind-the-scenes work. (SO MUCH BACKTRACKING) Pretty much every event broke. I have to resprite all the portraits to match the vanilla-size because HD Portraits is still not updated. The schedules need fixing.

But despite all of that, the station bundles are done! We also redid the house exterior for submas because it was ugly. I did not know how to do pixel art a year ago. Nor did I know how to decorate maps. They have a whole new area off to the side of the Railroad now!

We hot potatoed that map so much. First Thylak would work on it. Then I did. Then back to him...

Still need to get around to adjusting their schedules to switch their coordinates to the new map when they're working on the Railroad. Previously, they were just pacing around in the various empty areas of the Railroad. Now they have trains.

The house itself was actually two different structures with a seperate clock tower but then we decided it looked better overlapping the bit of roof peeking out. It's much less flat now.

Submas have a mailbox that adheres to Stardew's perspective.

No longer is the house a cardboard cut out with shading and lighting. LOL (I didn't know how to sprite buildings!!! I put all my effort into Emmet's walk cycle!)

Also speaking of mail boxes... since it been a year; I'm sure all ya'll are curious to how we do our modding, story, etc. We encourage you to hit the mail car button and ask away (so many of you already have) But since it's been a year. Go Crazy.

But I will nip the common asks tho.

Some Common Asks.

"Is this mod SVE (Stardew Valley Expanded) Compatible?"

No.... Unfortunately due to the complexity of both mods. (Ours due to railroad being used. And SVE already expanding on a bunch of stuff) It will just be compatible with vanilla and any mods that does not replace or edit the railroad (majorly).

We did move submas's house over to the side so it won't overlap the farm it adds or impede any space that you want to use the Railroad's empty spots of land for, but it's still very much a "play at your own risk" type of thing. I'm not familiar enough with SVE to code compatibility for it (not familiar at all actually... I don't play the game enough! All my time is spent working on the mod! All I do is stare at google docs and type walls of text! I'm not interested in SVE anyways for personal reasons.)

SVE is infamous in the modding scene since it changes pretty much every map and steps on other mods with incompatibility. I don't want to deal with making two seperate events with the coordinates/movements edited for compatibility. It should be compatible with most other expansion mods like Ridgeside Village or East Scarp since they mostly keep to their seperate areas and not edit things unless necessary (like submas do now)! SVE changes too much to gurantee compatibility and for the sake of my sanity I won't provide it. If it works, great. If it doesn't, pick and choose for that save.

So.. SVE and our mod. Incompatible....

"Release Date?"

Unfortunately it is still undetermined! (Due to our busy schedules.)

(For example - I myself work 2 jobs and currently going through a lot of chaotic life stressors.....)

However, we will make a progress post soon about how much left on our list where we are satisfied with moving onto the next stage of our mod which is.

There's actually not much new content planned until we're ready for initial release, we mostly have a lot of behind the scenes cleanup and backtracking. I still have portraits to do (I took a break... switched off to mapping). Event-wise I want Emmet's 10 heart event to be done and a few station/side events we have in the drafts. We'll need more festival dialogue (since... they don't show up unless if I have stuff for year two for some reason). After that, we get into more fun stuff! Patches!

PATCHES! Oh we love a good mod patch! And we have a lot planned. Meaning there's still more ahead on the tracks!

"Are they romancable?"

Yes. Yes they are. HOWEVER! WE DO SEE YOU AROACE COMMUNITY! And we will be making a route that will be planned in the next comming phase to make them platonic relations as well!

It's the first stop on our intinerary! We'll release the platonic route alongside the marriage event update so there's something for everyone.

We are just following vanilla format at the moment as it is easier coding wise. And also a good place to start planning where the branches are going to happen. Making roomates is a bit more complex... I have to make a custom item for "proposal" much like the void pendant.

I think that covers the common asks... OH!

Also! Since we have released the Joltik Adoption aspect as a separate mod as well as a little fun tease (And test run) - before we actually drop Subway to Stardew. So sorry the event didn't work at first! I was testing on the main expansion mod. Should be fixed now!

We recommended that if you find any JOLTIKS. Scurrying around. Causing trouble. (Aka Bugs.) Please send in an ask! Or head over to Nexus to drop a bug report! It will help iron out some things that we may not be aware about before release!

And when we do release we HIGHLY encourage the bug reports cause it's just two of us... <_< and those Joltiks get into everything! (Doesn't help that THYLAK KEEPS THROWING THEM EVERYWHERE! I find them in my paperwork... and Atwood's bedding.... My poor Phantump. He can't catch a wink without a Joltik scurrying all over the place!)

It's just me doing all the coding (All. Of. It.) so I hope you all can continue to be patient while I work on things! Sorry if I miss some things! We probably won't playtest too extensively before the initial release, so please do report any bugs you find then!

▷ Station Steward Thylak

#subway to stardew #station steward shenanigans

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acroagoraphobe · 17 days

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What Makes a Man a Monster

Chapter 6: The Man Who Came Up With A New Concept Of Death.

Hiii yeah just felt like writing a chapter today! (Because I just edited a fandom wiki article about me and Im in a writing mood.)

ANYWAYS.

Violence iminent, be warned.

ALSO I MIGHT NOT DO THE COLORED TEXT FOR A FEW CHAPTERS BECAUSE IT'S ANNOYING TO HAVE TO DO AND I WANNA MAKE CHAPTERS QUICKER :3 (Also ill be able to make longer chapters without them takjng so long to add colors and text effects in :)

The ominous sounds of the deser wafted into to the ears of all who could hear. Distant screams and gunshots being heard from a road far away from the town of Novac. Sixer's next destination.. Hopefully.

But now, he was too busy making those distant screams of pain. And they werent his.

He had already grabbed his arm and reatached it, It stuck back on like a magnet and became good as new. The gore of his arm being blown to bits all forgotten already.

The few remaining raiders met their demises at the bullet from a classic. A 10mm pistol covered in blood, dirt, and wasteland.

Bodies fell to the ground, pooling red liqud around them before it soon seeped into the dusty soil beneath. Sixer's Luck always had a habit of somehow going his way.. either that.. or.

He was so unfortunate that it looped back around to the luck of a rabbit's foot strapped to your belt loop.

After the raiders had all dropped, like the scavenger Sixer was... he got looting. He found a fistfil of caps and some chems. Snatching it all up along with the ammo from the dead attacker's weapons, dropping each individual bullet into a pocket in his bag, clinking together as he closed the pocket and shifted his bag.

One of the raiders also had a bottle of shitty booze. Fuckin hell it'll work I guess. Sixer took a swig, not giving a fuck about whos mouth had been on it before. I mean hell can't get worse than the Bubonic Plague, and he's had that before.

Which is a long story for another time that crosses too many history books to list it all. History books that are probably obliterated and gone by now except for in those vaults.

After he pilfered the remains, Sixed went back to his usual activities on the road, Which consisted of walking. And Walking. And looking at a cactus over there. And avoiding talking to those traiders.

Then seeing a group of NCR soldiers get attacked by a bunch of men in skirts and football gear, making them look like absolute losers. I mean what man wears a damn skirt. WEAR PANTS FOR FUCKS SAKE.

Of course not bashing on other men who wear skirts, Just legion dipshits.

Sixer just walked past, trying his best to not get involved. And he didn't, because he couldn't give two shits what the skirt boys and bear bitches were fighting over today.

Soon enough he reached the town of Novac, covered in blood and his clothes destroyed to high hell. With only drugs, 10 caps, and a bottle of alcohol to his name. Oh and this gun too I guess.

He Stumbled his way into Novac and up a set of stairs into this giant-ass dinosaur, when inside, slapping his few caps and his chems down on the counter.

[I need Shit to fix my clothes.]

"Well, I might have something lyin around.. A sewing kit and some fabric? Get all sorts of stuff in here ."

The man at the counter flinched slightly when the items were slapped onto the couner, not expected Sixer to come in so suddenly and aggresively.

[This better be good enough, Dinosaur fanboy, cause it's all I got.]

"I guess it'll have to do, ya look like yeh've been through hell n' back there-"

[Long story, Wouldn't believe me.]

"All right, let me grab some things for you."

The man who's name wasn't exactly important because lets face it, he's not plot relevant other than this, came back with a needle and thread along with scrap fabric.

Placing it down on the counter and pocketing the caps and chems that Sixer had placed on the counter.

Sixer soon stormed out and found a nice rock to sit on, taking off his shirt and stitching up the massive hole in it with the fabric that was only a slightly different color from his white Tank top.

It was more of a grey-beige fabric, and it barely hid most of the bloodstains and holes. But whatever, It worked. Stupid shitty clothes getting fucked up all the time. Fuckin covered in dirt and crap.

Sixer soon after worked to stitch his pants, an entire pant leg had been blown off and it kinda sucked having to make a whole ass new pant leg. Although Sixer definitely had the tailoring skills needed, since he's been fixing his own clothes since WAY before sewing machines were invented or even thought of.

Sixer finally finished fixing his clothes up after the whole ordeal and simply sat on that rock, thinking about what to do next.

#fallout new vegas #fallout nv #fnv #fallout oc #WMAMAM #what makes a man a monster #fallout nv fanfic #fallout fanfic #fnv fanfic #fallout #Sixer #Sixer wmamam #courier 6 oc #//#really like this one #lot easier to not have to add the text colors even tho i wanna #but i can write a lot more within my inspiration periods.#hope y'all like it!

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sugar-phoenix · 10 months

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un-satyr.

I decided to swallow my perfectionism and just write out a short story without making it special or anything, just writing all the parts that I wanted to write and finishing. I might edit/add more but honestly I'm pretty happy with what I wrote and I wanted to share it.

tw: gore/violence, mentions of blood + wounds + pelting + pain

Sitting on the riverbank, I carefully brushed my platinum locks. They fell over my shoulders in strands, and on all sides of my head. I hated having my hair cut. If I could, I would wrap them around my horns to keep them out of my eyes.

But I didn’t have horns.

I dipped my hooves into the water, and continued straightening out my hair until it no longer looked like I had tossed and turned all night. Only my family and the village doctor knew I had been suffering from terrible migraines. It was one more defect to add to my list of flaws. One more reason why I didn't belong. I hoped to hide my problems from the rest of the world.

Alas, brushing your hair out did not fix the dark circles under your eyes, and against my sickeningly pale skin, it was wildly obvious I was losing sleep.

I frowned as I felt a painful throb inside my skull. Why was I born this way? Blindingly white, horn-less, and now, having terrible migraines. Instead of being a regular, normal satyr, I was the village abomination.

I rose from the riverbank to walk.

The smell of the lavender field cleared my migraines a little bit and made it better. Here, I was further from the village, from the feeling of being out of place. Here, I belonged.

I laid in the grass and rested.

And then they began to pelt me.

Younglings, picking up pebbles and throwing them at me. Telling me I was a freak, a monster. Taunting me with their little nubs of horns on their heads.

Although nobody had ever outright expressed their distaste of me in the village (fae such as us were loath to express anything that might make us seem ungraceful), the behavior of the children spoke volumes of what they thought of me. I rose from the lavender field. A pebble struck my forehead. I ran, blood dripping down my face.

The pain was immense. I clutched my forehead in bed, gently bandaged by my mother, and screamed as my father sent for the village doctor. It didn’t hurt this much initially, yet ever since I came home, the pain had only steadily increased. I struggled to hold still as the doctor unwrapped my bandage, checked my forehead, and reported nothing out of the ordinary. The pain was merely a product of the concussion combined with my migraines. Nonetheless, he re-bandaged it, and gave me a potion that was sure to knock me out as cold as a corpse.

I slept.

I woke up free of the pain that plagued me only hours ago, to a dry, crusty pillowcase. It was stained a deep, dark red. I gasped, and jumped up from my bed to inspect my wound in the mirror.

My reflection’s eyes stared back at me, the eyebags underneath them gone. My skin glowed, pale as ever, yet it was… sparkling? The hair that fell around the wound was caked red, yet the rest of my hair flowed flawlessly. In between my bangs, I saw something else. Something new.

Ivory and pearlescent, it tore out of the bandages that had unknowingly held it back. A single, solitary horn.

dividers by @cafekitsune here. Header is Young Lady with Roses by The Bank of a Lake, Nathaniel Sichel, from this post here.

#writeblr #writing #fantasy #short story #short stories #creative writing #writing community #original fiction #satyr #satyrs #unicorns #✎ . writings

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bringmemyrocks · 4 months

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Are you a convert to Judaism? When did you get interested and how long was the process? Im thinking about it

Hi anon, yes I'm a convert. I was orthodox for many years before going the more liberal/non-denominational route.

"How long is the process" really depends on:

Your denomination: Reform and some conservative or non-denom can have you done within a year. Orthodox may take longer unless you're getting married and/or have a lot of money.

It took extra long for me because I'm pig-headed and tried to be frum when I shouldn't have. The frum world didn't deserve me *hair flip*, and doesn't deserve any of the amazing queer people who still try to make it their home.

Don't be orthodox, anon.

Anon, if you want to learn about Judaism, read books, learn Torah, join a community, please don't get all or even half your information from Tumblr (and that includes me). Facebook groups can be a bit better but still not great.

This sounds like a TV pharmaceutical ad ("Ask God if Judaism is right for you!") but do try praying. Learn Jewish prayers in English, pray psalms in English or Hebrew or whatever language you want. Talk to God like you'd talk to someone you trust. (Some Jews call this "hitbodedut" because they think a hasidic rabbi invented it, but I don't think anyone can claim to have invented the practice of speaking to God outdoors.)

See if this tradition speaks to you. The Bible is free, and you can access a ton of English-language commentaries and prayer books (siddurim) for free on the website Sefaria.org. opensiddur is an online source with free prayer books, some have transliteration. Lots of synagogues stream their services to youtube. Judaism is not a closed tradition in any meaningful sense--you can visit, learn, eat all you want. Very few things in Judaism are truly reserved only for Jews, and you won't do them accidentally.

I don't have many book recs because most books people give orthodox conversion candidates are not worth the time you spend reading them. Some liberal Jews like "choosing a Jewish life" by Anita Diamant but I haven't read it myself.

The Book of Legends pulls the narratives/stories from the Talmud and puts them into an anthology, but the book is formatted terribly and it's not in the public domain yet, so nobody has fixed that. A lot of those stories made it into Nathan Ausubel's Bible Stories section in A Treasury of Jewish Folklore, which is a bit more accessible.

Anyone is welcome to comment book recs on this post for anon and I'll add them.

I can recommend you more books or resources if I know more about your theological background and/or current interests in religion.

Anyway.

Here's a copy-paste of my journey to Judaism that I wrote in August 2023. Entitled "Why Stay Jewish?" as a play on "Why Be Jewish?" It does not touch on the current genocide being perpetrated by Israel in the name of Judaism, but in case someone who doesn't follow me comes across this post:

Free Palestine from the River to the Sea. Zionists f off.

Everything below this line was written in August 2023:

Why Stay Jewish?

Aka “a religious Jew who still hasn’t read Heschel tries to assemble a coherent testimony for Judaism”

A few days ago, a friend asked me what drew me to Judaism. (Background: I decided to be Jewish almost 10 years ago, gave it up for a bit after burning out in orthodoxy, and ended up coming back a few years ago.) The TL;DR is that I’ve always been fascinated by religion, and my conversion was more driven by religious faith than by anything else.

This is a bit disjointed, but I don’t want to spend weeks editing a Tumblr post, so just going to post it as-is. I talk a decent amount about the theology of orthodox Judaism as well as that of various Christian sects, but I’ve tried to make this readable for anyone with a different theological background.

In 2015, progressive Christian leaders Nadia Bolz-Weber and Rachel Held Evans (RIP) started the “Why Christian” conference. The conference, which had its last meeting in 2019 shortly before Evans passed away, sought to answer the question “why be Christian in the twenty-first century?” Christian theologians such as Peter Rollins, Gustavo Gutierrez, and James Cone have all addressed this question when dealing with issues of race, class, and other axes of oppression. Evans and Bolz-Weber held “why Christian” conferences to discuss these questions, inviting both Christian leaders and lay people to talk about the role of Christianity in their own lives and in the world.

While my friend asked me “why did you become Jewish,” I feel (like Bolz-Weber and so many others) that the more pertinent question for me is “why do you stay Jewish?” Because if you’ve followed me or known me personally for any length of time, you know that I wrestle a lot with Judaism, and not in the cute “my lesbian rabbi makes jokes about fighting G-d in a Denny’s parking lot” way, and have done for the past decade. (No hate towards those who experience their religion this way; I imagine that’s a much easier path than the one I took.)

The short version is that I am a theist, someone who believes in God and revolves my life around this belief, and that I believe Judaism is the truest way to connect with God. I do not believe in intermediaries between people and God, not priests, rabbis, or any person.

My religious journey started off with me as a young Roman Catholic who chafed against the idea of priests as gatekeepers between people and God. Eventually my anti-intermediary philosophy applied to saints, Jesus, or any human institutions. Some people on here will say “Judaism isn’t Christianity minus Jesus!” but for me that was definitely part of the progression, stripping away useless layers that clung to my religious faith. I don’t think my conception of God himself has changed much since I was a child, and there’s good and bad in that. I wonder how many Christians have a similar concept of God that I did, loosely modalist with very little focus on the incarnation, that Jesus was always secondary and that the New Testament was interesting but not a theological guide except for its reinforcement of Old Testament concepts (Matthew 25 in particular comes to mind). Atonement theories were confusing and none really made sense. I was always the “odd Christian out” for preferring Matthew’s ethics-focused Gospel to John’s word-become-flesh.

When I learned that much of Jesus’ teachings came from the Torah, I decided to study those texts instead. The Jewish view of God (is there such a thing?) resonated with me far more. God as omnipotent and all-knowing creator, one who loves but whose love can be incomprehensible to the point of terror–I experienced the world and my religion as overwhelming at regular intervals, so it all made sense to me. I can be a bit more rational now (my rabbi is a philosophical though not political disciple of R. Slifkin), but the idea of God as imperfect in the Harold Kushner sense never sat right with me. Maybe I’d be happier if it did.

An aside: People online often tell Christians that “Judaism isn’t just Christianity without Jesus,” but I have an issue with that statement. There is no Christianity at all without Jesus. Even naturalist Christians who reject the idea that Jesus is literally God, or that God is a personal being rather than a nebulous force, even these Christians center their religion around the life and teachings of Jesus. Even Christians who view Easter only as symbolic are not practicing a “Christianity without Jesus”. They may have a very low christology, but their religion does not “lack Jesus” in any meaningful way. Even liberal Protestant Biblical scholars who agree that Jesus is not foretold as a messiah in the Old Testament still view the text through Jesus–they just filter their Christianity through liberation or womanist theology (both of which are Christian worldviews which believe in Jesus as a teacher and redeemer of some kind). This is not to condemn Christianity at all, conservative, liberal, academic, or otherwise; just to say that anyone who claims that Christianity minus Jesus is a religion or philosophy at all is mistaken.

I sought out Judaism because it was what I had been searching for all along in a religion: largely unencumbered access to God. What with learning Hebrew and realizing the difficult path that converts are put on (often unfairly), the “unencumbered” part became murkier, but still I stuck with it. Not all the rules made sense then, and not all of them do now. I used to be more comfortable davening with a mechitza, but now praying separately from women feels wrong and misogynistic.

My favorite Jewish communities have always been lay-led, using folding chairs rather than pews, and arks made from ikea cabinets, and plastic table bimahs. I’ve never been a fan of purpose-built synagogues. (Liturgically-inclined Christians would describe this as being “low church”.) I’m very no-frills in this way. Unfortunately, there’s a not insubstantial part of the Jewish world that also loves the casual, baggy mismatched clothes of the pop-up minyanim that I used to go to. It took me far too long to grasp this, perhaps out of denial, but the large knit kippot and colorful tichels and guitar music that I loved in the “left-wing” modern orthodox communities I was in are also widely popular among settlers, and have been for longer than I’ve been alive. (That and the music of Shlomo Carlebach, but that’s another post. TW for the all-too-common #metoo stuff.)

A lot of converts say they fell in love with Jewish culture, and that religious belief came later, but for me it was the opposite. Part of this may have been that unlike the vast majority of converts, I came to Judaism alone, without a romantic partner. (The vast, vast majority of converts to Judaism are heterosexual women converting to orthodox Judaism.) To me, God is central and always has been, and that’s one reason I fell into orthodoxy when my sexuality and politics would have otherwise made me more comfortable in a different denomination (thanks, Mordecai Kaplan). The New England frum culture I found myself in at age 19 was totally alien to me, and the misogyny and racism that I witnessed was both antithetical to my life philosophy but also something I was in no position to fight against. There is no single “Jewish culture”, but you wouldn’t know that from davening with the orthodox minyanim where I was. I became Jewish first as a young single man, with a tentative, arm’s length liking for the man-made tongue-and-mustard-eating, upper middle class world I found myself in. I did not love the Jewish world at first, and I still find it difficult to love my fellow Jews uncritically. Racist grandfathers are all too common among people of all backgrounds, and Jews are no exception.

In this century, I don’t believe my love for the Jewish world will ever be uncomplicated. It’s been poisoned by nationalism and chauvinism, some of which has roots in trauma, but most of which instead has much deeper origins in centuries of racism learned in Europe and the USA. And much of the Jewish world has no love for me, either. But still I pray three times daily, often in English and rarely from a siddur except for Monday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. I wonder if I’m just wired this way. Since Sinai, since birth, since learning that praying was something I could do, perhaps.

I remember speaking to an evangelical pastor many years ago about my relationship with God after I had left orthodoxy and was trying to do church again, seeing it as the next best option. I realized that while I had had little trouble setting up theological discussion places for LGBT people of faith since I was 15, I could not speak of my own religious experiences easily. I told him that God had been my comfort since I was young. That I turned to God in times of strife and also saw God’s beauty in the world (sorry, Karl Barth). God was refuge, redeemer, source of wisdom, sometimes in the world and sometimes not. I had no experiences with Jesus directly, and this pastor never pressed me on my christology. He seemed, as I was at the time, fine with me not knowing which “person” of the Trinity was the source of my theological experiences. I saw God in my experiences, and while I liked reading theology, I never found Aquinas or Tillich particularly interesting. I preferred Buber and Nouwen with their deeply personal writings. I felt there was more soul there. I left out the fact that if I’d discovered that I was halachically Jewish, I would have jumped ship immediately and stopped practicing Christianity.

I don’t have many points that I could point to as a “testimony”, a particular life event that convinced me that God was real, or that a particular stream of Judaism was my lifesource. In his Varieties of Religious Experience, William James describes “peak experiences” as intensely religious experiences that someone can have. My journey has had few of these, preferring to take a more slow, scenic path. Not every journey of the mind and heart has moments of blinding light or burning bushes. But I’ll try and pick out a few, in loosely chronological order. Not all of these are directly Jewish, but I’m including them because they help frame my “spiritual autobiography”.

----------------

The first is a recurring dream I had between 2015 and 2019. It drew on the story of Thecla, an early follower of Paul the apostle. When she was led into the arena to be killed by lions, she baptised herself first so she could be baptised before her death. I had a similar dream that repeated itself every few months, minus the lions, in which I immersed myself in water while those around me refused to baptise me. I don’t believe in clairvoyance, but I do think of them as the brain’s way of communicating with itself. In this context, I had been prohibited from joining any religious community, and was willing to do almost anything to achieve that.

Another experience I had was in a class on Catholic mysticism. (Most of my study of academic theology has been in Christian environments, largely because Christians are more amenable to teaching in English.) I experienced something not-quite akin to psychosis, in which images and sounds from my old Jewish life flooded my brain. I spent the entire two-hour lecture drawing the pictures of the shul that came to mind (the Ikea-branded ark, the men in assorted hats and yarmulkes, the mechitza a cheap cream-colored curtain hung on a washing line, etc.) At the time, it felt like part of me was dying. Perhaps it was, perhaps it still is–I’m no longer orthodox, and in good conscience can’t be again.

My experience with religion has always had large positives and large negatives. When I finally did my mikveh a few years ago, I told one of my (only remaining) frum friends, and his immediate response was “that’s lovely news, especially after [proceeds to infodump all the depressing queer frum news that I’m not privvy to living outside NYC.]”

I’ve talked about this next one before, but I got to attend a mostly-secular Jewish retreat last year, and went with the bf. The one genuinely non-secular part of it was an optional kabbalat shabbat service led by a former-haredi now non-denom rabbi and a cantor from a similar background. They didn’t have siddurim or anything, so we all just sang from memory. I got to sit next to my bf with my arm around him–the very concept of singing yedid nefesh while being openly, visibly gay was insane to me, but I got to do both there. I’m always glad that my partner (or his being secular) pushed me to explore outside of orthodoxy, because it’s been a much better experience. Sometimes the familiar isn’t always what’s safe. (A more innocent example of this would be my cat, who used to be a street kitty. He still prefers sleeping on plastic bags or pizza boxes to sleeping in a real bed. In the same way, I felt more comfortable in environments that placed heavy restrictions on gender and sexual identity, even if they didn’t kick you out the door.)

People have described me as “passionate” and “obsessive” about my faith, and I don’t think this is a false characterization. Someone who felt less passionately that God alone should be worshiped could have been happy in a UCC or Unitarian church, but such was not true for me. I won’t weigh in directly re: Christianity being avodah zara (idol worship) except to say that much of orthodox Judaism doesn’t see it that way. (Tovia Singer does not speak for most orthodox Jews in most matters, and I think that if people want to worship literal or figurative idols, we should leave them alone and not harass them in the street.) Rather, I would compare Christianity to any sect of a religion which demands its followers approach God through a human intermediary (make of this what you will). Rebbe Nachman has some interesting ideas, but I don’t chant mantras with his name as some of his followers do. I finally tried learning kabbalah last year, and I found it surprisingly dry. Very intricate, but why split God into a tree of life when you have God already? Perhaps I’m too single-minded. If I had more faith in myself, I would say I'm Maimonidean.

It’s interesting being a scholar of religion while simultaneously being religious. Last spring I had to do a systematic theology course to finish my Master of Divinity degree, and I failed to articulate my personal theology very well, and I didn’t do very well in the class. I had a passion for God and for what’s right and wrong in the world, but even after decades of study, I still couldn’t make my theology make sense to my liberal protestant professors. (And I don’t think I’m doing the best job now.) If I had known more Maimonides at the time, I would have invoked him rather than trying to explain Judaism on my own, convoluted, contradictory terms.

I was always more theologically comfortable around evangelicals because they didn’t mind me talking about God and not circling back to Jesus and his lessons. There’s an almost Marcionist impulse among some liberal Protestants to insist that every book in the Old Testament be either discarded (side-eyes the Revised Common Lectionary), or viewed solely through the lens of Jesus.

Brian Zahnd insists on this reading in his Sinners in the Hand of a Loving God, a condemnation of what he sees as “fire and brimstone Christianity.” To his credit, Zahnd argues against literalism in the New Testament just as much as he insists the “Jesus lens” be applied to the Old Testament. This isn’t to condemn Zahnd or his theology–the man has theological chops, something that can’t be said for much of the often-fundamentalist neo-Anabaptist world (David Bercot et al.) I just don’t personally find Zahnd’s worldview convincing with the weight I give the Old Testament.

For so much of my life, Judaism was orthodoxy. It’s hard to construct a systematic theology outside of that, especially when I find myself frustrated with Buber and Rosensweig and their insistence on mischaracterizing Christianity in treatises in order to give Judaism an identity. A Jew who wants to read about Judaism without passive aggressive lashon hara about Christianity often ends up reading orthodox work. Ironically, I know now that in modern orthodox Jewish works, this lack of antagonism is largely because of R. Soloveitchik’s strong aversion to interfaith dialogue, especially with Christians, as expressed in his Vatican II-era essay Confrontation. So while I saw orthodoxy as less opposed to other religions, it was in fact the opposite–there was so much opposition, they barely even acknowledged that the Reform movement existed after 19th century Berlin. Maybe this is a sign to try reading Heschel again. He, Kaplan, and Judith Butler can have a race to the bottom on most incomprehensible philosophy, but people tell me I’ll like his ideas.

One thing my rabbi has taught me (same former haredi rabbi as mentioned above) is that ritual and religiosity don’t have to go hand in hand. I can decide not to bench after meals if it makes me happier and still pray as often as I want. The phrase “religious Jew” often obscures the many non-orthodox Jews that exist. I can be fulfilled without scrubbing my oven with a toothbrush every March. God is everywhere, so relax, I guess.

We’ll see.

Added today, February 5 2024:

A friend later pointed out that I talk a lot about God and not a lot about Torah in this post. I'll reflect on that again sometime and see if I can come up with something. I forgot that I tried to psychoanalyze my dreams to try and construct a testimony last year. That's funny.

I've been reading a lot of Elmer Berger, and while his books aren't systematic theology, they describe a liberal religious Judaism that exists apart from Zionism. Highly recommend reading him because any Jew or Jew-curious individual should. Most of his books are free on the Internet Archive.

Oh boy anon, bet you didn't expect something that long-winded, huh? I think we almost hit 4000 words there.

Feel free to ping me with more questions.

#jewish convert #conversion to judaism #judaism #long post #me and religion #i #anon #ask #asks

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