#i have to remember it’s an addiction because i don’t understand how my dad could drive drunk after a drunk driver killed his little sister

[juniperskye]

Why are you in my head? Pt. 3

Sneak Peek: Eddie and you are soulmates. The legend of soulmates is that you start to hear one another’s thoughts around age 16 – not all the time, but when you’re feeling a strong emotion. It simply flows out of you and into the other, the legend also states that the closer you are, the more you can hear them. **The events of season 4 did NOT happen** I did also use some of the dialogue

Bold are Eddie’s thoughts; Italics are reader’s thoughts. (mind you, they are essentially hearing both sets of thoughts)

Eddie Munson x Fem Sunshine! Reader (Soulmate AU)

Fluff/Angst - Part 1 Part 2

Word count: 2583

REQUESTS ARE OPEN - not edited - please be kind. Feedback is welcome if it's constructive!

Warnings: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! My blog is 18+, minors DNI, explicit language, no use of y/n, fem reader, mentions of drugs/sale of drugs/drug use, arguing, mentions of Eddie’s drug addict parents, mention of post-partum depression, mention of child endangerment, mention of child death, mention of murder, mention of suicide, mention of foster care, let me know if I missed any!

That being said I do not own the characters portrayed in this story

I miss you so fucking much. How could you think so little of me. I’m sorry. You just don’t understand what it’s like. You don’t even know me. We’re soulmates, of course I know you. Our thoughts weren’t shared until we were both teenagers, you know nothing about how I was brought up. Can I see you? Please.

Thoughts between soulmates were shared more frequently when experiencing high levels of stress, primarily during long periods of separation after meeting, or fighting.

“Hey bug, Eddie’s on the phone for you.” Your dad knocked lightly on your door.

“Tell him I don’t want to talk to him!” You hollered up to your dad.

Since your fight with Eddie, one week ago, your parents had noticed your very apparent, sour mood. You really had no choice but to tell them that you had in fact met your soulmate and had been hanging out with him non-stop. Your mom had been thrilled for you; she had wanted to know everything about Eddie. Your dad on the other hand, he was furious. He clocked the tear tracks that ran down your cheeks the second you walked in the door, and he wanted Eddie’s address so he could kick his ass. You had assured him that it wouldn’t be necessary, that no matter how upset you were in the moment, in your heart you knew the two of you would be able to work things out.

“Sweetie, maybe you should take his call.” Your mom suggested.

“Maybe you should butt out!” You shouted back.

You were immediately filled with regret. Quickly making your way up the stairs you threw open your door to come face to face with your parents.

“Mom, I am so sorry.”

She pulled you into a tight hug, her hand gently brushing at the hair on the back of your head. She always did this when you hugged, and it always brought a warm comfort throughout your body.

“It’s okay. I know that you are upset. Maybe you should try talking to him sweetie, it might make you feel better.” She suggested once more.

“Okay, I guess you’re probably right.” You nodded.

“Well, that’s good because he is on his way right now.” Your dad informed you.

“What? Dad! A little warning would be nice! He doesn’t live that far, and I have to get ready!” You started scrambling down the stairs into your room to get ready.

Your parents chuckled, remembering what it was like to be that young and new in love.

A knock at the door had you sprinting up the stairs and practically shoving your dad out of the way so you could get there first. You weren’t quite ready to have Eddie meet your parents, especially since you aren’t currently on the best of terms.

You opened the door with just enough room to slide out of the house. You took note of Eddie’s disheveled appearance, he had bags under his eyes, his hair looked especially frizzy, and his skin didn’t have its usual glow.

“Hey.” He said sheepishly.

“Hi.” You replied.

“Did you uh, did you want to go sit in the van and talk?” Eddie said gesturing to where it was parked at the end of your driveway.

You nodded and the two of you made your way to the vehicle. He wanted so badly to pull you into his arms and kiss all this pain away, but he knew that it wouldn’t be that simple, he had made some snap judgements and said some hurtful things to you. He knew he needed to apologize and that the two of you still had a lot to learn about one another.

“Baby, I am so sorry. I said some awful shit to you, and I shouldn’t have. I just, I am so used to having people judge me. For how I look, for where I live, who I live with, the people I hang out with, the music I listen to, the field of work I’m in. And I know that you weren’t judging me, that you were just looking out for me because you care, but baby I couldn’t help but let those past feelings eat me alive when you were talking to me.” Eddie explained.

“Eddie, I appreciate you apologizing. I’ve had time to think about things too and I can understand how my reaction could have come across as judgmental. Eddie, my dad is a cop, I have heard what happens to people when they’re caught with a little bit of weed in their possession, but if you were caught selling it, or something worse. Eddie I can’t lose you. Not when I have only just found you.” Tears were running down your face at this point.

Eddie scooted closer to you on the bench of the van, he brought his hand up to cup your cheek, gently brushing away your tears with his thumb. He leaned in and pressed a sweet kiss to your lips. When you two broke apart, he leaned his forehead against your own, his hand brushing a strand of hair behind your ear.

“I am so sorry baby. Please forgive me?”

“Eddie, before I can forgive you, I need to know that you don’t really think of me like that. I may come from a well-off family now, but there is a lot you don’t know about me and I just – I need to know that you don’t see me as some privileged brat.” You begged.

“Sweetheart, no! I don’t think of you that way. I am so sorry! I don’t even know why I said that. It’s like a defense mechanism. I know that there’s so much I don’t know about you, and I hope that you will trust me enough to tell me everything there is to know about you.” He rushed.

You were both startled by a knock on the window. Looking over at the passenger window, you were mortified to see your dad standing there, giving you and Eddie a small wave. He then gestured for you to roll the window down. You visibly cringed as you began cranking the window open, mouthing an embarrassed apology to Eddie.

“Dadddd…what do you want?” You whined.

“Your mother sent me out here to let you know that dinner is ready. She also wanted me to ask if your friend here would be joining us.” He explained.

Your eyes darted over to Eddie. You were trying to decipher his expression, was he as horrified as you were? Was he intrigued by the idea of meeting your parents.? Was he ready to flee and never return?

Would you want me to stay?

You couldn’t help but smile. His thought was timed perfectly, this soulmate thing definitely had its perks.

Of course I want you to stay! I just don’t want them to scare you off.

“If it’s alright with you sir, I’d like to stay for dinner.” Eddie looked at your dad, who replied with a curt nod.

“I can’t believe you’re a Metallica fan! I just finished learning Master of Puppets on my guitar!” Eddie gushed.

“That’s a tough song, I bet you had to practice for weeks!” Your dad indulged Eddie.

This is so embarrassing! Your dad is so cool!

Your mom laughed at the exchange between the two men and she and you cleared the table. She gave you a knowing look and nodded towards your room.

“Why don’t you two go watch a movie, your dad and I can clear the rest of this up.” She suggested.

“Only if you’re sure.” You asked, gaze shifting from your mom to your dad.

“Door stays open.” Your dad pointed towards you.

With that you grabbed Eddie’s hand and led him down to your room, being sure to leave your door open, per your dad’s request. As you descended the stairs, Eddie’s jaw made its way to the floor. He was amazed by your room, you had records hung on the walls and ceiling, one of your walls had an incredible photo collage, with photos of you, your friends and family throughout the years, and below that were stacks of books next to a small desk. HeHewHH’d have to ask you about who all these people were. You also had a projector screen that you clearly used for movies.

“This is amazing! You read J.R.R. Tolkien and Stephen King? And these records, this is so cool, I would never want to leave if this was my room!” Eddie exclaimed.

God, like you could get any hotter.

“Yeah, my parents are pretty cool about letting me express my creative freedoms or whatever.” You shrugged.

You couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in your stomach, Eddie had talked about how you got everything you’d ever wanted, and this made that seem true. If only he knew.

Things had continued on pretty well with you and Eddie over the next few months. You guys had grown closer, trusting one another with the heavier secrets of your lives. Eddie had told more in depth about his parents. His mom had gotten hooked on drugs thanks to his dad, who was quick to put hands on Eddie and his mom when he was under the influence – which seemed to be more often than not.

You had wanted to tell Eddie about your past too, but the timing just didn’t seem right. Every time you went to share, something came up, or you were trying to avoid it coming across as you are one-upping him and his trauma.

Things aren’t always what they seem.

Eddie had dinner at your house once a week, and you’d traded off whose house you’d go to after school each day. Nothing physical had transpired between the two of you other than a few heavy make out sessions. At each other’s houses you had fallen into a routine, at yours you would either watch a movie or read, at his you’d either watch a movie, listen to music, or help him with his campaigns.

Tonight happened to be dinner at your house, your parents had suggested ordering a pizza tonight and playing Monopoly. Eddie had enjoyed nights like this, your parents had been extremely welcoming of him. He had appreciated that they didn’t judge him, not once in all the time he has known them. They had been warm and kind and accepting.

Your dad had bonded with him about his taste in music and had shown an interest in Dungeons and Dragons. Your mom talked to him about his future and his dreams of being in a band, but the reality of him probably becoming a mechanic.  Your mom had told him that he should pursue music as long as he had something he could fall back on should it not work out. She told him that he could achieve his dreams as long as he worked hard at it.

These conversations, these dinners, these nights with your family had been amazing, they had also been painful for Eddie. He couldn’t help but feel hurt that he didn’t get to have a childhood like this, that he had to get his ass beat by his dad while his mom was strung out on the couch. He hadn’t been removed from their custody until he was about 10 years old, that’s when child services pulled him from their care and moved him in with Wayne.

Wayne had grown fond of you immediately; he had seen how Eddie had changed immediately after meeting you. He had been happier, which meant the world to Wayne. All Wayne had ever wanted was for Eddie to have something good in his life and here you were. You and Wayne were buds and it filled Eddie with a sense of pride that his uncle approved of you.

Now if only things could stay simple like that forever.

Eddie and you had finished dinner and a game of Monopoly at your house. You were planning to go to Eddie’s after to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. After pulling up in front of the trailer, Eddie made his way to your side of the van and pulled you out of the car. You giggled as he kissed you and the two of you stumbled into the living room.

He made his way to the kitchen to grab drinks for you both and he began popping some popcorn.

“Sorry about my parents tonight. I know they can be super lame.” You huffed out a laugh.

“What do you mean? Your parents are great!” Eddie said.

“No, I know, but they act so goofy. It’s embarrassing.” You shook your head.

At least you have parents.

“Jesus Eddie.”

“What? I didn’t…oh shit. Babe I’m sorry. It’s just, you should be thankful that you have parents who care about you. Not all of us are that lucky.”

“I’m not that lucky Eddie! Fuck! How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!” You sighed.

“Then tell me! Please, enlighten me as to how your two wonderful parents can be so bad!” Eddie egged you on.

“THEY'RE NOT MY PARENTS!” You shouted at him, then took a deep breath. “Eddie, they’re not my real parents.”

Eddie sat a looked at you, mouth agape, speechless. You could tell that he was waiting for you to continue, but you needed a moment to collect your thoughts. You had to explain everything, this conversation could change everything.

“My parents, Eddie, they did some horrible shit. Neither of them had any other family, my mom she uh, she had post-partum depression, she wasn’t doing well, for a long time after my little sister was born. I guess that had caused my dad to seek comfort elsewhere, I was only six when all this happened. But uh, my mom she uh she left my sister in the bath alone, my sister slid down into the water and drowned, she was only 8 weeks old. When my dad came home and found her, he was furious. Eddie he killed my mom, and then he killed himself. I ended up in foster care and bounced from home to home until I was twelve, until they took me in.”

“Sweetheart. I, I am so sorry. I don’t, I’m not sure what to say.” Eddie whispered. “But uh, you said. You had mentioned that your mom told you bedtime stories about how her and your dad met.”

“My mom now, she would tell me how her and my dad met, every night until I finally started sleeping.” You explained.

The nightmares made it impossible. I couldn’t stop seeing the blood.

Eddie crossed the room and pulled you into his arms. He couldn’t believe that he had been so stupid this whole time. You had been silently telling him that your life wasn’t all that perfect, that though now, it seemed good, it hadn’t always been. He needed you to know that he was here for you, no matter what.

I’ve got you. I will always have you baby.

A sob escaped your throat, ripping through the silence. Eddie held you; he laid you with him in his bed, his hand brushing through your hair gently, whispering sweet nothings to you.

I haven’t told anyone that story. Nobody, ever. Not even my parents. Your secret is safe with me. You are safe with me. I love you sweetheart. I love you Eds.

Tag List: @sashaphantomhive

#eddie munson #stranger things #eddie munson stranger things #corroded coffin #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson fic #eddie munson fanfic #stranger things 4 #eddie munson angst #eddie munson au #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x female character #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson angst blurb #sstranger things blurb #stranger things imagine #stranger things x you #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fic #mechanic!eddie #mechanic!eddie x reader #mechanic!eddie x y/n #dad!eddie munson #dad!eddie munson x mom!reader #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson fluff #why are you in my head #eddie munson x fem!reader fluff

[pinkandpurple360]

ALSO it’s clear she wants Stolas to become Loona’s “mom” (in terms of gender roles) and Blitz to become Via’s “dad” because she can’t see couples outside of “male” and “female” roles

Oh that’s….fucking disgusting….it’s so, so creepy, especially knowing stolas is essentially a Blitzø stan like Creepzo, and won’t let go of his obsession but is still rewarded for it.

Damn, is that why she designed their human forms to look the same? Seeing how stolas is as racist and violent as he is to the imps, even the imp he claims to love, especially him in fact, then he probably has several hellhound fur coats. His death count is probably in the thousands with those armies of his, yet he’s supposed to be a soft sad frail wimpy boy?

I’d rather see Fizz and Loona talking about what it’s like to grow up as orphans, the need to be tough on your own, struggling to trust your abilities and relationships, having to navigate the upper hierarchy in your life, and the tendency to cling to idolised celebrities as a parental figure (Fizz & mammon, Loona & Verosika) and for him to tell her about Blitzøs family and what he was like growing up. He could even talk to her about Verosika and her side of the story with Blitzø, since she’s his coworker. The fact he funds an orphanage according to Wally wackford means he cares about improving their lives and care, and since he is an inspiration to people of all races hybrids genders and people with disabilities, he’d be interested to hear about Loonas upbringing. And probably hate Bee for that and for the fact she feeds off of the addiction of people like Verosika and maybe even Barbie Wire herself. He’d also help Blitzø not to stop Loona from living her own dreams, and help him see that standing in for her isn’t what she needs.

Because he’s witnessed Blitzøs rebellious teenage attitude and would see it in Loona too, he’d warm up to her. He could even talk to her about Tex, her new friend, and how difficult it is for guys like them, dating a deadly sin. Also Loona would remember Fizz’s name from Blitzøs drunken stupor and ask him about it, (conflict) he’d help her understand her dads old life so much better, she’s curious about his past before her, and she could help him understand his life after him, and who he is now. After that, they’d both see how the other is proof of his pattern of saviour complex behaviour.

He’d probably find it quite sweet that this is the second time blitzø welcomed an orphan into his home and protected them from the cruelties of hell. He definitely warms up to that trait of Blitzos: his protectiveness over his family, and his ability to help people and create a warm new found family. Also i still really think fizz wants kids of his own, but Ozzie just wouldn’t. I picture Loona saying “wow..you really love my dad don’t you” and him getting all embarrassed and saying “NO—? I-yknow what. Whatever missy. Just take care of your dad for me ok? He has a big fragile dumb heart and doesn’t look out for himself. And don’t tell him I said that!”

Blitzø is like the attentive assertive dad that Via was looking for, and Via is like the doting daughter he wanted. Stolas and Loona are just nasty abusing people with absolutely nothing in common. Loona hates being pampered and Stolas actually irritates her. He’d make her much worse and they’d enable each others violent tempers. Not to mention he’s abused her father twice right in front of her face but she doesn’t care and even mimics it.

#helluva boss critical #stolitz critical #fizz and Loona

[melodichaeuxx-lacritquexx]

Last review! I’m so sad to see it end but from what I’m hearing, it ended beautifully.

Danny didn’t have chance from the beginning. He got a silent mother; abusive stepfather, abusive alters, and a lawyer with an addiction, I see why he thought suicide was his only way out, even without knowing about Stan’s addiction—Candy was the icing on the cake.

Ray’s boss annoys me. “Good girl”??? Such misogyny! And it hasn’t gotten better either, men still act this way.

Tom did his big one with this role. Like does Stan believe Rya finally when he heard Jack speak? Jack is the evil within this whole entire time. He made Danny leave for London to look even more guilty. If he left at all. Jack is horrible. I don’t even know how his alter was created.

Also, I love how the closed captions say normal voice when he’s speaking with an American accent when we all know Tom’s normal voice is British 🤣

Never heard Jason’s American voice ever, that’s amazing! And how Tom’s American accent changes to match Jason’s is SO FUCKING AMAZING! You hear the struggle of trying to keep his British accent at bay while trying to sound like Danny but it’s not Danny’s voice, which is much lighter in tone.

Now Jack came out lol and had the other lawyer looking at him crazy lol. I’m so glad Danny broke free so that Adam/Danny could finally speak. And I hope the alters finally see how destructive Jack is.

Danny finally coming to terms with Adam not being his actual brother but another alter (it’s funny how alters don’t age when you do, like what if you’re in your 60s but you have an alter in their 20s and they try do a backflip? That’d fuck you up)

Adam came before Marlin entered into their lives. Imagine all the abuse he had to deal with before that in order to create Adam? That’s sad. And the fact that Adam let marlin do whatever just so that candy wouldn’t be alone is heartbreaking. She put all her hurt and emotions onto Danny, allowed him to see her that way, and that made Danny/Adam decide to put up with whatever abuse he had to to keep her happy

And now the other lawyer is crying. I understand it’s her job but she pissed me off. I’m glad Danny won. And Danny being in shock—the emotions from just his eyes alone?? Unbelievable.

This new wig don’t look bad, I just wish they filmed it different so they could allow him to cut his hair cause I know he was over it at that point.

Love how Rya became the mother figure he needed. Candy knew that his biological father had been molesting him but because memories don’t develop until after four (sometimes early but the brain is so traumatized, it’ll black out anything, trust me—half my childhood is gone and I don’t remember anything) that’s when he created Adam and she let him believe that Adam was real and off with their biological dad like some parent trap shit—what parent willingly separates twins?! Seriously!

I’m so happy Danny didn’t forgive her. She the victim and the villain; instead trying to make the situation better again, she just stayed and allowed it to continue. I truly thought she was gonna say his father had DID, not that he was a pervert. And I just don’t understand how she couldn’t leave again if she did it the first time.

Tom’s cold icy stare is both sexy and heartbreaking, he gives tortured artist. Emmy looks like Mila Kunis to me. (Sorry it’s the ADHD)

So now that fusion therapy is working (a better outcome than the person this was based on) does this mean that Danny’s bisexual 👀 (do not come for me, it was an intrusive thought!)

Love the paintings are exactly the one from the intro; I wonder what debt Danny’s talking about. We’ll never know; the show’s over and it’s an anthology 🙃. It was beautifully written and so well taken care of. I’m sad that Tom can’t express that anymore cause of the strike but hopefully he sees how much this show means to us

Never mind I think I know what the debt is:

Danny has to now fuse Adam. His inner child that he has to protect, or be a guardian Angel for.

This show has made me appreciate those who struggle with mental health (like myself) and those who never stop helping them. And it also made me appreciate the cast’s acting, especially Tom’s; this shit was difficult and hard and I’m sure he will never do another difficult role again and I hope he never has to.

#tom holland #melodicheauxxo #melodicheauxx review #thcontent #the crowded room #tcr spoilers #danny sullivan

[anonymousewrites]

A Study of the Heart and Brain (Book 3) Chapter Thirteen

Father Figure! Sherlock Holmes x Teen! Reader

Chapter Thirteen: Acting Addicted

Summary: Sherlock begins a new case, and he goes "undercover." (Y/N) goes along with his interesting new methods.

            “Alright, so, you understand what’s going to happen?” said Sherlock, sitting across from (Y/N).

            “You’re going to pretend to take drugs to go undercover and find out what you can about Magnussen, the man who took letters from Lady Smallwood and is blackmailing her,” said (Y/N).

            “And?”

            “You’re going to pretend to be interesting in Janine because she’s Magnussen’s assistant in his legal business,” said (Y/N).

            “Yes,” said Sherlock, nodding. “And remember that no matter how I act with Janine, I don’t love her—”

            “I know,” said (Y/N), waving a hand.

            “—and no matter how I act when I go undercover, I am not doing drugs again,” said Sherlock. “Even if I have to take a compound that will simulate drug use in the case of someone testing me.”

            (Y/N) nodded curtly. They understood and were thankful Sherlock wasn’t putting them through that again. Due to their mother dying of a drug overdose, (Y/N) was uncomfortable around drug users, and years ago, when Sherlock had first taken them in, he had realized and stopped his use to make them more comfortable.

            Of course, now (Y/N) also knew that Moriarty had encouraged their mother’s drug abuse until her death, which added another layer of trauma to it since they always remembered Moriarty alongside drug use now, but they trusted Sherlock to do the right thing.

            “Thanks, Dad,” they said.

            Sherlock nodded. He wanted them to know the entire plan from the beginning so that they weren’t uncomfortable or worried. Plus, he had hurt (Y/N)’s trust enough when he pretended to be dead for two years. He wouldn’t do that again.

            “How can I help with the case?” asked (Y/N).

            “Don’t scare Janine off,” said Sherlock.

            (Y/N) shrugged. “She thinks I’m weird. I can’t change that.”

            Sherlock nodded and furrowed his brow. It would be difficult to feign interest in Janine. Of course, it went against his true feelings, but it would also prove challenging because Janine clearly thought (Y/N) was a strange teenager, and if there was one thing Sherlock couldn’t stand, it was people being rude to (Y/N).

            “But I won’t deduce her or anything,” said (Y/N).

            Sherlock nodded. They both knew that was the best they could do.

            “John’ll figure out you’re ‘taking drugs,’ ” said (Y/N). “Should I act betrayed and upset?”

            Sherlock considered. “Nothing over the top. Just be…quiet. Less confident to speak.”

            “Is that how I am?” asked (Y/N). When their mind got fixated on drug use, they often lost focus on other things, so they were never sure how they were acting. Anxiety does that to a person.

            Sherlock nodded.

            “I’ll work on that,” said (Y/N).

            “It is fine to have issues with some things,” said Sherlock. “You still handle cases well when they involve drugs. You don’t shut down. You’re resilient.”

            (Y/N) sat up at the praise. “I’ll do my best for this case.”

            “I know,” said Sherlock. He stood. “I’ll first ‘accidentally’ meet Janine. The drugs will come later.”

            “Call me if you need help once it gets to that part,” said (Y/N).

            “Only if you then call Lestrade,” said Sherlock. He wasn’t letting his kid go to a house with drug addicts and dealers alone. Even if most were harmless, he wanted (Y/N) to be accompanied by an official just in case.

l

            A few weeks later, (Y/N)’s phone rang, and (Y/N) glanced over to see John’s name on the screen. Undoubtedly, this meant John had somehow found Sherlock “using” again. If it wasn’t serious, he would just text.

            “Hi, John,” said (Y/N), accepting the call. At least Janine wasn’t in the room and listening in. She would be all “worried” and coo over poor Sherlock. So annoying.

            “(Y/N)…You better get down to Bart’s,” said John, speaking hesitantly. “Sherlock…I found him in a…I’m really sorry, (Y/N), but he’s using again.”

            (Y/N) was impressed that Sherlock’s acting had worked so well, even against John. Of course, they’d do their part, too. “…He is?” they said, short, to the point, and quiet.

            “I’m so sorry, (Y/N),” said John. “You don’t have to come down.”

            “I will,” said (Y/N), keeping their voice monotone so that the lack of emotion seemed to be stemming from a shut-down (which (Y/N) experienced from time-to-time with their emotions when they were too overwhelming to be expressed). “I want to see him.”

            “Alright,” said John. “We’re in Molly Hooper’s lab.”

            (Y/N) didn’t bother responding and closed the call before standing up. It was time to go to Bart’s and really try acting. They supposed they were lucky they didn’t show many emotions anyways. It made this easier.

l

            (Y/N) walked into Bart’s Hospital and headed to Molly’s lab. Inside were two men they didn’t recognize, John, Mary, Sherlock, and Molly. They pushed the doors open, and everyone looked at them.

            “Oh, (Y/N),” said Mary, glancing between Sherlock’s shabby appearance and (Y/N). She had heard from John that (Y/N) had issues surrounding drug, so this worried her.

            “Can we take him back to 221B?” said (Y/N), purposefully avoiding Sherlock’s face to seem ashamed and nervous to be around him.

            “Right, yeah, of course,” said John hurriedly.

            “Ah! Finally!” exclaimed Sherlock, looking at his phone.

            “Finally what?” asked Molly in confusion.

            “Good news?” asked one of the other two boys.

            “Oh, excellent new—the best,” said Sherlock. “There’s every chance that my drug habit might hit the newspapers. The game is on.” Some cover and misdirection was set.

            “You’re acting proud while (Y/N) is right here?” hissed John. He grabbed Sherlock by the arm and dragged him towards the door. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

            Molly and Mary exchanged glances as John dragged Sherlock out and (Y/N) followed without even looking at him.

            “Poor (Y/N),” said Molly. “It’s been so long since Sherlock did anything because he didn’t want to use around them.”

            “And all for a case, he claimed,” said Mary, shaking her head. “I thought (Y/N) mattered more than that.”

            “I hope they’re okay,” said Molly.

l

            (Y/N), John, and Sherlock sat in a cab as it drove towards Baker Street. (Y/N) had purposefully taken the farthest seat in the cab so John was between them and Sherlock to keep up the “hesitant and nervous to be near a drug user” act to go along with Sherlock’s “I’m using again” act.

            “You’ve heard of Charles Augustus Magnussen, of course,” said Sherlock to John, getting into the case. Even if he didn’t need to know everything going on was an act quite yet, there was no reason not to investigate with his best friend.

            John expected (Y/N) to answer since the pair usually bounced ideas off each other, but one glance at (Y/N) staring straight out the window and tapping their fingers in a self-soothing pattern told him all he needed.

            John cleared his throat. “Yeah, owns some newspapers—ones I don’t read.”

            The cab pulled up in front of 221 Baker Street, and the trio disembarked and headed to the door.

            “What is my brother doing here?” muttered Sherlock as he approached at the door. “He’s straightened the knocker,” he remarked to John in explanation. “He always corrects it. A part of his OCD. Doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.” Sherlock un-straightened the knocker and walked inside.

            John and (Y/N) and found Mycroft sitting on the stairs up to 221B and staring, unimpressed and a little disappointed (if (Y/N) read him correctly, and they usually did), at Sherlock.

            “Well, then, Sherlock. Back on the sauce,” he said plainly.

            “What are you doing here?” said Sherlock.

            “I phoned him after I called (Y/N),” said John, crossing his arms.

            “The siren call of old habits. I would have thought (Y/N) gave you a reason to stop for good,” said Mycroft.

            (Y/N) had to fight not to raise an unimpressed brow at being used as a guilt-trip (even if it was right).

            “How very like Uncle Rudy—though, in many ways, cross dressing would have been a wiser path for you,” said Mycroft.

            Sherlock crossed his arms and glared at John sullenly. “You phoned him.”

            “ ‘Course I bloody phoned him,” shot back John.

            “ ‘Course he bloody did,’ ” said Mycroft, a little bit making fun of John’s coarse phrasing. “Now, save me a little time. Where should we be looking?”

            Good thing Sherlock did buy drugs and stash them, thought (Y/N).

            “Mr. Holmes?” called Anderson’s voice from upstairs.

            “For God’s sake!” shouted Sherlock, actually a bit annoyed now since he found Anderson irritating. He stormed upstairs, and John, Mycroft, and (Y/N) exchanged looks before following him.

            “Anderson,” seethed Sherlock, glaring at Anderson, who was alone with an assistant of sorts as he searched the flat.

            “I’m sorry, Sherlock. It’s for your own good,” said Anderson, only too pleased to rummage around 221B.

            “Oh, that’s him, is it?” said his assistant. “You said he’d be taller.”

            Sherlock sat down in his armchair and glared at Mycroft for letting these two into his flat.

            “Some of your little fan club. Do be polite,” said Mycroft superiorly. “They’re entirely trustworthy and even willing to search through the toxic waste dump that you are pleased to call a flat.”

            “Stay out of my room,” said (Y/N) to Anderson and the woman, crossing their arms.

            “You’re a celebrity these days, Sherlock. You can’t afford a drug habit,” admonished Mycroft, ever the older brother.

            “I don’t have a drug habit,” said Sherlock, to all the world seeming to be an addict claiming to have everything under control but really telling the truth.

            “Hey, what happened to my chair?” said John, staring at the empty space.

            “It was blocking my view of the kitchen,” said Sherlock.

            “Well, it’s good to be missed,” muttered John sarcastically.

            “Well, you were gone. I saw an opportunity,” said Sherlock.

            “No, you saw the kitchen,” snapped John.

            “What have you found so far? Clearly nothing,” remarked Mycroft to Anderson and his assistant.

            “There’s nothing to find,” said Sherlock, this time actually lying.

            Mycroft raised a brow. “Your bedroom door is shut. You haven’t been home all night. So, why would a man who has never knowingly closed the door without the direct orders of his mother bother to do so on this occasion?”

            “Sherlock, you did it in the house?” said John. “(Y/N) is here.”

            (Y/N) intentionally shifted their weight “uncomfortably” and looked away.

            “There’s nothing in here,” said Sherlock resolutely.

            Mycroft moved towards Sherlock’s bedroom, and Sherlock sprung up from the chair. “Okay, stop! Just stop! Point made.” He pretended to glance guilty at (Y/N), and they avoided their gaze. Sherlock didn’t betray his emotions, but he was quite proud of (Y/N)’s acting.

            Mycroft tutted. “I’ll have to phone our parents, of course. Won’t be the first time that your substance abuse has wreaked havoc with their line dancing, but they did have such high hopes when you stopped after taking in (Y/N).”

            Does everyone just use me against Sherlock to make him feel bad? thought (Y/N). It’s getting a bit old.

            “This is not what you think,” said Sherlock. “This is for a case.”

            Mycroft looked at him dubiously. “What case could possibly justify this?”

            “Magnussen. Charles Augustus Magnussen,” said Sherlock.

            Mycroft’s condescending smile dropped. He turned towards Anderson and his assistant. “That name you think you may have just heard, you were mistaken. If you ever mention hearing that name in this room, in this context, I guarantee you—on behalf of the British Security Services—that materials will be found on your computer hard drives resulting in your immediate incarceration. Don’t reply—just look scared and scuttle.”

            Anderson obeyed. He grabbed his assistant and “scuttled” out of 221B. (Y/N) watched him go in satisfaction.

            Mycroft looked at John. “I hope I won’t have to threaten you two as well.” He already knew (Y/N) wouldn’t be threatened.

            John crossed his arms and just looked back. He was there to stay.

            Satisfied, Mycroft turned back to his brother. “Magnussen is not your business.”

            “Is he yours?” said (Y/N), allowing themself a moment to speak about the case curiously. It wouldn’t interrupt the acting.

            “You may consider him under my protection,” said Mycroft.

            “I consider you under his thumb,” said Sherlock.

            “If you go against Magnussen, then you will find yourself going against me,” said Mycroft warningly.

            “Okay. I’ll let you know if I notice,” said Sherlock, getting up and heading to the door to open it. “What was I going to say? Oh, yeah, bye-bye, brother.”

            Mycroft narrowed his eyes and walked up to Sherlock. “Unwise, brother mine.”

            Sherlock seized Mycroft’s arm below the elbow. He twisted it upwards and slammed Mycroft face-first into the wall. “Brother mine, don’t appall me when I’m high,” he snarled, really in the act.

            “Mycroft,” said (Y/N) quietly, letting all attention go to them. “Just go. Please don’t make it worse.” They intentionally let everything see “discomfort” at Sherlock acting like an aggressive drug addict to guilt everything. (Even Mycroft was weak to them. After all, he was their uncle).

            Sherlock let go of Mycroft, and the older brother rubbed his arm and narrowed his eyes. But to placate Sherlock and (Y/N), he just grabbed his umbrella from where it leaned on the wall and walked out of the flat.

            Sherlock, John, and (Y/N) were left behind. (Y/N) squared their shoulders. They knew what else they had to be prepared for. The acting wasn’t done yet.

Taglist:

@stilesstilinskiforlife-blog

@im-making-an-effort

@ilse235

@schrodingers-intelligence

@awsedrftgyhujikol

@lxserthxngzzz

@forever1313

@mentallyunstablemanlover

#a study of the heart and brain #x reader #gn reader #x gn reader #nb reader #x nb reader #sherlock x teen!reader #sherlock x teen reader #x teen reader #x teen!reader #teen reader #teen!reader #father figure #found family trope #found family #platonic x reader #platonic #sherlock x reader #sherlock fanfic #sherlock & co #bbc sherlock #sherlock holmes #parentlock #sherlock holmes x reader

[cyarskaren52]

I know how that feels because I lost my biological father years ago and the loss of a parent or in this case both of them hurts so much and it’s like a hole in the heart that can’t be easily filled

Her whole family is dead and she lost her grandmother shortly after her mother.

And yet Nicki making fun of that what’s so crazy to me is Nicki really think she did something but literally her whole family could be gone tomorrow.that’s just something you don’t joke about .

that’s not rap beef, disrespecting someone’s family members, especially dead ones. That’s unreasonably nasty.

Remember when both ja rule and benzino thought it was a bright idea to disrespect Eminem daughter Halie? One of them said that she’ll either end up being a crack addict like her father’s mother or a harlot like her mother/his on again, off again girlfriend and benzino said something about her ending up like jonbenèt Ramsey (in other words she’ll end up being murdered like the little girl who’s killer has yet to be found)

Yes it inspired very scathing diss tracks from Eminem and fellow rappers who didn’t like ja nor Zino and those tracks completely obliterated their careers to the point where one is still relevant due to the fire festival and radio stations playing his old songs and the other is on love and hip hop Atlanta but it doesn’t take away from the fact that is messed up and uncalled for considering how she was a little girl at the time and rivals of her father were going after her just because they don’t like her dad (and we all know that Eminem won’t tolerate any disrespect towards his daughter . )

And yes, I’m aware that there’s no rules to this rap beef but there’s lines that you can’t cross and disrespecting rivals family members especially if they have since passed is one of those lines that you can’t cross. Even the hardest of rappers love their families and disrespecting their family is disrespecting them

there’s nothing funny about being an orphan , you don’t have to face being orphaned to understand that.

I wish they would leave her alone.

#❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ #This whole case had me changing my opinions and views(at least for the moment) #celebrating the police and the system #being xenophobic towards Canadian people #posting stories with reader plus white celebrities with fluffy or smutty material #nearly being racist towards black men #saying that some of them nigcels deserved to be another hashtag #and backing the death penalty. #megan thee stallion #i’m not sad for her #i’m outraged #i’m just glad she’s in a better place now #those people can speak for themselves they know who they are #and they can go straight to hell #they will pay for their crimes #for sucking that abusers meat #Instagram #As always a loud and sincere fuck you to everyone who has doubted her and supported that Canadian cuntery who must not be named #She went through unnecessary trauma for two years #That’s unforgivable #Next level fuckery #That that type of ish that would lead to an episode of snapped or deadly women #once again #🖕🏿daystar Peterson #annnnn boom #just like that #may all who come against black women rot #Don’t fuck with black women #If you can’t love them then at least don’t harm them #can’t wait to see that sociopath locked up on August 7th.

[georgiapeach30513]

A Losing Hand, Part 6

Summary: you and Andy finally talk about that night

Pairings: Andy Barber X Reader

Rating: explicit

Warnings:  explicit language, explicit sexual content, smut, PIV sex, unprotected sex, implied breeding kink, mentions of toy play, mentions of overstimulation, date rape, cheating, implied non con, branding, death of a minor character, imprisonment, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 3.6K

Previous

Series Masterlist

*Divider by @firefly-graphics​

Before leaving the safety of the Spades, you had been scared. Pissed off that your parents could just sell you off like property. The first weeks of living with Andy were spent stomping around and screaming at him.

Sometimes he was calm and patient. Other times he was grabbing your neck and pushing you up against the wall. “I’m getting tired of your fucking attitude, Daze,” his nose tickles at your neck, and when he feels your body go weak, he turns to look at you. His stature thick and looming over yours, and he just grins looking at you. “What was that?”

“Let me go!”

“You, my sweet Daisy, got a bit of an authority kink. Is that what this is? You’re playing the little brat, so your king can yell at you,” with a denying shake of your head, his hand quickly goes up your skirt, and pushes aside your panties. “Lie to me again.”

You can’t even look at him. Refusing to give him what he needs, “Fucking lie to me again, you little bitch,” you whimper, and your hips jolt forward. Baring down on this thick ringed fingers, and you’re not sure why, but you want more. Andy only laughs, pulling his fingers out of your core. “I know you’re a virgin, but do you understand arousal?” he spreads his fingers, and a long string of your slick connects them.

“You see this? You like making me angry. Daisy, I’m not a patient man. I’m being very patient and generous with you. Playing your little games with you, hold you at night when you cry, and still you don’t trust me.”

“Why me?” finally you meet those dark blue eyes in front of you, and his face softens a bit. “There’s other girls in your territory, why me?”

“Daisy…”

“Stop call me that! It’s not my name!”

“Would you rather me call you by your name? Sweet Daisy girl,” you don’t know how he does it, but he always makes things a bit difficult to stand. He notices every change in your demeanor. “You don’t. You like that sweet name. Do you remember me coming into that flower shop, and you were making an arrangements of daisies? You were beautiful. And I wanted you. Needed to know everything about you. Your dad was really quick to sell you. Do you know why? He’s got an addiction to cards,” you give him a nod because it isn’t something you didn’t know. “You taught yourself to count cards to get him out of debt didn’t you?”

“Well, yeah. He can’t…can’t help it. Andy let me go.”

He softens his grip, but still he holds on. “He was in deep. It was him who offered you up. Saw how I came as often as possible. Could tell I only liked dealing with you. Could see that coy little smile you gave me every time I came in. Deny it,” he waits for you, but all you can do is shake your head no. “When did you notice my marks?”

“I knew you were Spade,” your voice whispers out. “You wanted me to see you were the King.”

“Did my power entice you or scare you?”

“Both,” Andy clicks his tongue, his face moves closer to you, and with slow methodical breaths he blows on your neck, giving you the softest of open mouth kisses. Unable to do anything but let your body react, you whimper. Your hips jolt forward, and he catches them.

Placing a leg in between your own, he coaxes you to grind over his thigh. “I can make you feel so good, Daisy. People will fear you because you’re mine.”

He chuckles at your soft little moans. Trying to pretend that he doesn’t have this unexplainable hold over you. Making yourself believe that you don’t want him. And had this been under different circumstances, you might want him. Andy believing that he can own you just pisses you off. But the way his mouth moves on you. His hands so strong and large, but gentle with you. Even the sound of his voice when he speaks to you. The perfect combination to bring you to your knees, and you hate it.

“I’m giving you time to adjust to being my queen. Have I touched you in our bed?  Forced you into submission and made you take my cock?”

“No,” your voice so weak and needy.

“You want me to, don’t you?” you don’t have to answer with your eyes blown wide with lust, he knows. “I’ll save my cock for this pretty pussy for our wedding night. But,” his lips kiss all over your neckline, and your breath comes out only as pants. You reach towards his arms, and grip tightly. Mewling out a thanks towards him, you start to see stars. Your tummy heats up, and you nearly collapse on him.

“Andy,” there’s nothing left to do but bury your face down on his chest. Embarrassed by how easy he’s able to get to you, “Jefferson and the Queen are here to see you,” while Bucky can’t hide the amuse in his voice, you’re disgusted by it.

Andy pulls you back to look into your eyes, pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead. “We’ll try something different tonight in our bed. Keep trying to tell me, you don’t want me Daze. We’ll be good. You’ll be protected, where no one can hurt you again. And we’ll have us a pack of kids running around this big compound. Stay with Bucky.”

“Boss,” Andy’s head jerks around looking at him. “I can’t today, I need to be…elsewhere.”

“Right,” Andy pulls back fully, adjusting your clothes, and straightening you back up. “Take her to Steve, and you take as long as you need. Let her know, I’ll be by before supper,” with a wink Andy is gone. Leaving you to look anywhere but in Bucky’s eyes.

“He’s not a bad guy. He does care about you. There could be worse suits for you to end up in. The Diamonds for instance,” with a flick of his head, you choose to follow him. Bucky could outrun you without even trying, so you know better now.

“Who are you going to see?”

He turns back with an almost sinister smile, “Don’t worry. All us suits have our secrets. Some are better left that way. Protection for both parties.”

You had begun to trust Andy. Looked forward to him walking through your bedroom door. Even started smiling when he would walk in. Enjoyed undressing him because it meant he would let you sit and talk with him while he showered.

He had warned you, he couldn’t handle you in there with him, because he wouldn’t be able to wait. Even if he was tired, and just wanted to hold you, it was nice. The mornings were spent giggly, and even running through the compound chasing each other. Putting down all your walls with Andy.

Until the night he didn’t come into your bedroom. Woke up without him there, and waited, but getting tired of waiting. Walking around the compound in search of him, only to see him thrusting into another woman. You only get a glimpse at her face, and a smile before you run away. Ignoring Andy’s call for you. He had lied. He made promises that were clearly just meant to settle you for the time. You should have known not to trust a king because he would always have his whores.

Andy’s body looms over yours as he crashes his hips into your own, and you get a flash back to that night. Emotions course through your body, and you push at his chest. “Andy stop,” your voice whispers out. But he doesn’t quit.

“Andy stop it! Get off,” angrily he pulls out of you, but he remains over your body. “Let me go!”

“What the fuck has gotten into Daze,” his hand pets over your belly, so convinced you’re already pregnant, but you swat him away. Grabbing ahold of your wrist, you see the Andy that everyone fears. “What the fuck? You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“You lied.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did. You said you would wait for me,” unable to look at him anymore, but he still won’t move, you turn your head away. “Was I not good enough? I-I-I tried, but…I wasn’t ready. I was getting closer. I wasn’t worth it to you.”

“Oh, Daisy,” his hand smooths over your face, and he presses soft and gentle kisses all over your face. “You didn’t see what you think you saw.”

“Andy, she…looked like me, and…and, and you were…she was getting what was supposed to be mine. You were supposed to be mine, and I was yours. But you…you lied. And because I’m the woman, I have to forgive you.”

Andy sighs, shaking his head. Finally rolling off you to sit up, “That’s not exactly how things happened,” his hands run over his face, and he’s unsure if he really wants to get into this with you.

“Andy,” you sit up on yourself, pulling the sheets around your body, “Andy, look at me,” when those dark blue eyes turn to look at you, it’s enough of this. Enough of the secrecy and the lies. “If I am to do my duty as a queen and your wife, you have got to be honest with me. I will not be a wife that lays waiting in your bed, ready to spread her legs while you try to knock me up.”

“Is that all you think this is? We were good. And then you run off and left me. I was trying to protect you!” that anger rises in his voice, but it no longer scared you like it did before.

“You wanted to get your fucking dick wet. I want the truth. Stop with this suit bull shit! I can’t handle all the lies. You know what I found today, when you left?” he raises an eyebrow up at you. “A dog that I’ve never seen, and a little girl’s room. Decorated to perfection. Andy I’m not even pregnant and your decorating rooms for our unborn children. That night I left when you were fucking her…”

“Now, that’s about enough of that. You will hold your goddamn tongue when you talk to me. I told you that’s not exactly how things happened, so that’s enough,” rolling your eyes you go to get out of bed, only to have him push you down on the mattress. “I could do it you know. I don’t have to show you the niceness I do. I could break you down, to where your job is just to be a nice wet place for me to land.”

“Then do it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Tell me exactly what happened then.”

Andy stares at your sleeping form on his bed. The both of you growing restless of trying to wait left him to try and make you cum over and over again. Whether it was his mouth buried deep in your cunt, sucking and biting at your bundle of nerves or him making you grind over the Sybian, with Andy controlling everything.

He had praised you when you just kept going. Making a mess all over the toy, and he couldn’t wait for you to make a mess all over him. It wasn’t long until, you would be his completely.

“Andy,” Steve says behind him. “They’re here.”

Andy nods, closing the door. He hates these meetings. “Are you going to watch her?”

“I’ve got another door, that I need to guard. You said you wouldn’t have any other suit in the compound. You know how she wanders throughout the compound,” Andy agrees with Steve, that he has other places he needs to be to stop the wandering. “She’s asleep, and judging by that toy that’s in the floor, she’ll be there for awhile. Stick Walker in the hallway. She’ll be fine.”

While Andy doesn’t like it, he feels it’s his best option. He goes down into the meeting. A few glasses of scotch, has him oddly feeling loopy. He blinks his eyes a couple of times and dismisses the meeting wandering into his study to sit down away from the noise a minute.

Andy’s hand rubs over his brow when the woman walks in. Sauntering into his office and closing the door, but not all the way. Hoping that you will see her with your fiancé. “Andy,” she whispers and his head pops up so quickly. “I’m here to serve my king.”

Andy’s eyes flutter closed slowly as he tries to look at the woman. She was sent for a very specific reason. Close enough to your look, and with the added drug to Andy’s scotch, it’s enough. “No, we’re not married.”

She scoffs at how traditional the two of you are trying to be. So ridiculous. With a man as powerful and attractive as Andy, she would have him every night. “No one has to know,” she tells him, sitting in his lap, and running her fingers over his chest. Sliding down to his pants but he grabs her hand.

“I said no.”

“Feel me,” she pulls his hand to her wet heat and Andy’s eyes roll to the back of his head. “I need it. You’ve left me wanting…”

Picking her up, he sets her on his desk. Kissing up her legs gently, because he’s convinced in his drug addled state, that it is you. Starting to slide her panties off only to realize, she’s bare underneath, that should been his first warning.

Hastily he frees his cock, before sinking in slowly, you don’t cry out at the stretch, or become overwhelmed, but just sigh under him. Red flag number two.

When he thrusts into you slowly, but you beg for him to go harder, he should have completely knew. Andy was too far gone. Too into the moment, and almost making believe that it was you underneath him.

All it took was Walker to leave his post for one moment. A lie that he was being beckoned elsewhere, and it left you vulnerable. Waking up to a cold and empty bed, you look outside the door, only to see that no one is standing guard.

You had remembered there was to be a meeting with the Clubs, and there was no protection for you. Figuring that they had all left, you went to fetch Andy from his study, to inform him it was time for bed.

The compound being too quiet you hear Andy’s grunts, and worse the moaning coming from someone that isn’t you.

Barely pushing the door open, you see the man before you. The man that promised you his loyalty, and he couldn’t make it to his wedding night. Her face turns, and gives you a wicked grin, and Andy coming to with your strained cry. Looking behind him at your distressed figure, he screams your name, only to have you run.

“You better finish the fucking job,” the girl yelps grabbing tightly to Andy.

He looks down at the woman with disgust. Ripping down her shirt to see the exposed Diamond tattoo, but with an odd bit of black in the mix. “You fucking whore.”

“I can always be your whore. You already have your perfect wifey.”

“Nothing but a lying snake. Do you know what I do to liars?”

“Make me gag on your cock?” she asks him, giggling at his predicament. 

“If it’s my cock you want, that’s what you get,” pulling himself out of her he flips her body over, and starts pounding into her relentlessly. His hand rubs harshly on her clit, and just when he feels her walls flutter around him, he pulls out and spits on her back. “Now you know what it’s like to be fucked by a real king. Tell Lloyd we’ll be coming for him, since he wants to plant lying sluts in my compound. I won’t even bother asking you why you’re here.”

“He’s not scared of you. He just wants that pretty little thing you keep in your bedroom.”

“Why?!” Andy shouts, tucking himself back in his pants. At the yelling Bucky and Luke walk through the doors. Andy back hands the girl and pulls her up to face him.

“He’s found your weakness,” she laughs up at him, and he looks at the odd tattoo on her chest. “Figured it out yet?”

“Brand her a liar,” Andy grunts out walking away. “I want Walker to go with me, to find her, since he let her escape.”

“She’s gone Andy,” the girl says, fear escaping her mouth, when she looks at Luke. His menacing body walking over to the fireplace, and grabbing a poker to hold in the fire.

“What?” Andy turns around to look at her.

“Don’t do it, and I’ll tell you everything.”

“Andy,” Luke growls, pulling the poker out and walking towards her. “You show mercy, and you lose your power. If she’s gone, we’ll find her.”

“Lloyd will destroy her,” the girl says before the poker is pressed against her neck. Her voice echoes through the compound, and tears coat her face. “I hope it was worth it,” Luke spits down on her body.

Bucky spins around, when he hears that tiny voice. “Take care of that,” Andy points to Bucky, who whispers out his thanks. “Luke, let’s take this trash back to her territory. Maybe Lloyd will give you a warm welcome home.”

“There, there,” Lloyd says, holding you close to his body. “All men are pigs. I’ll protect you from Andy though.”

“Lloyd, he’s…” the girl from earlier in the night walks in. Her neck disgusting bloody and marred as she walks in.

“You bitch!” you scream. Just as quickly, Lloyd lifts his gun and shoots her directly in between her eyes, and her body falls down with a bang. You scream at the suddenness of everything, backing away from Lloyd, and he lifts you up to look at him.

“She hurt you, so I killed her,” holding you tightly you look at her body, trying to decipher the mark on her neck. And then you see it, a spade with three swords running through it.

“What’s wrong with her neck?”

“It’s what we do to traitors. She was in Spade territory. Don’t worry about it,” you almost regret letting him touch you. Much less following him into his car, because you needed a quick getaway. Finding yourself right in the territory you were warned about.

“You hungry?” Lloyd’s right hand man walks in looking at the body. “I just cooked dinner.”

“Real food or your shit?”

“Real food,” he licks his lips looking at you. “You smell it? Fear,” he walks closer to you, his hand rubs along your face. “Andy hasn’t used you,” Lloyd jerks you back, and gives you a smirk.

“Oh she’s scared all right. Tell me, why hasn’t Andy taken what’s his?” Lloyd’s hands grip tighter to you, the more you try to get away. “Ahh, Andy is a big softie, huh? You’re…you are. You’re a virgin,” Lloyd gives you a deplorable laugh and presses you up against his swelling crotch. “Shoulda stayed with Andy. Steve, brings the chains. She’s not going anywhere until she learns to take me.”

“Please, don’t,” you cry, and the two men laugh at you. “Please…”

“Shoulda stayed with Andy. I really don’t care about what you want. I just like hurting the king.”

“You don’t find it odd,” Andy’s fingers pet around your face as you recollect your account of that night. “Where was he at?”

“Right outside the compound property.”

“You didn’t think to question why the King of Diamonds was so close? Why he felt secure in being in my territory, grabbing up my queen?” ashamed you shake your head. You were once too naïve for this life. “That whole night was a set up. They hurt you, to hurt me.”

“You made me stay with them after you found me,” your lip trembles, and he brings you to sit in his lap. “Told me it’s what I deserved.”

“I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that. I knew where your loyalty was. They didn’t even mark you, did they?” you shake your head no, and his hand roams around your body. “Where are you taking my mark? It’s usually on the side of the Queen’s neck. That way everyone knows who she belongs to.”

“You won’t let me leave here anyways. The only people I see are Bucky and Steve. Sometimes Nick.  Why should a mark matter?”

“You’re a flight risk,” Andy’s lips turn into a crooked grin, and he chuckles. “Once your body is showing how much I claimed you, you won’t be leaving.”

“Andy I need you to trust me. Who does that dog belong to?”

He sighs, his eyes turning away from you, and he wonders just how much he can trust you. This is the best kept secret, and one that he’s not willing for the rest of the suits to know. They had already lost the only other person to know the secret. Not even all his men were aware of the secret that was kept hidden in these walls.

“Aspen. She’s a Pomsky. Wanna meet her?”

“I wanna know who she belongs to. I feel like I’m going crazy in this compound. I hear giggles and,” your eyes turn to the door, and you realize you’re not crazy, but…your fears, and life just got more complicated.

“Aspen, come here girl. You, too.”

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#a losing hand #a losing hand au #andy barber #andy barber smut #andy barber x reader #mafia au #lloyd hansen #lloyd hansen x reader

[sugdenlovesdingle]

It's finally done!

And only three days late!

my @911reversebang fic

California (AO3) inspired by the awesome art by redpinkdots

TK doesn't move to Austin with Owen after his OD but decides to check himself into rehab to get clean once and for all. Only reading websites is hard and things aren't exactly the way he thought they would be.

A/N: I got this idea the first time I saw the artwork and I was so excited when I got assigned this. But life™ kind of got in the way and I really struggled with this fic in more ways than one. Though I'm pretty happy with the result in the end and I hope you'll enjoy it too. And just FYI - all I know about both California and rehab facilities is what I've seen and heard in various tv shows and quick google searches... so it's probably hella inaccurate... but just go with it.

TW: Mentions of TK's overdose and addiction

TK opened his eyes and closed them again right away. The bright lights hurt his eyes and he groaned trying to remember where he was and how he’d gotten there. Because he definitely wasn’t in his bed in his apartment.

“TK? Are you awake?” a familiar voice asked but the fog in his brain wouldn’t lift enough for him to put a face and name to it.

“Welcome back mister Strand. You gave everyone quite the scare.” Someone else said and this time TK was sure he didn’t know them.

Someone, possibly the same person, adjusted his blanket and suddenly he noticed a beeping noise.

He opened his eyes a tiny bit and saw nothing but bright and white.

His brain needed a minute to process the information.

Hospital.

Again.

Shit.

He squeezed his eyes shut yet again.

“Hey, it’s ok. I’m here. We both are.”

“Dad?” he asked, or more like croaked. His throat hurt and his mouth was dry.

“Yeah, I’m here. It’s ok. You’re going to be ok.” He felt his dad squeeze his hand.

Someone grabbed his other hand and when TK turned his head to look at them, a white hot knife was slammed into his brain.

Or at least that’s how it felt.

He squeezed his eyes shut and breathed in and out a few times to get the pain to subside.

In through his nose, out through his mouth.

Suddenly a familiar scent hit his senses and this time he knew exactly what it meant.

“Mom?”

Her perfume was always a comfort to him. Ever since he was a little boy. Only now it reminded him of how much he’d let her down. Again.

“Yes sweetheart I’m here. I’m right here. You’re going to be ok. I’ll make sure of it.”

He slowly opened his eyes again and saw his mother sitting next to his hospital bed.

“What happened?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.” His dad said from his other side.

“Owen.” Gwyn warned him and then turned to her son. “You’re in hospital… they uh… they had to pump your stomach. Your dad found you in your apartment.”

“You OD-ed. You weren’t breathing. I had to use Narcan to bring you back.” Owen told him and seemed to struggle to swallow past the lump in his throat. “If we’d been just a little bit later…”

“But you weren’t.” Gwyn cut in, clearly eager to move the conversation along. “Just… try to get some rest and when you’re ready, you can tell us what happened.” She squeezed TK’s hand.

“What time is it?”

“About 4.30.” Owen answered after glancing at his watch. “Don’t worry, the nurses won’t kick us out after visiting hours.”

“No… I… I have to go.” TK said, trying to sit up and ignore the pain in his body. “My shift starts at 5. I have to go. I can’t be late.”

“Wow, wow, wow. TK calm down. Son. TK.” Owen tried, getting up from his seat and trying to make TK stay in bed.

“Tyler Kennedy Strand.” Gwyn started and TK knew he was in trouble whenever his mother used his full name. “You stay in that bed and rest until someone with MD behind their name says otherwise.”

TK considered his options for a minute and then relaxed under his father’s grip and sagged back against the bed.

Owen squeezed his shoulder.

“You’ve been through a lot. Just take your time. The guys understand.”

“They know?”

Owen glanced at Gwyn for help before taking a deep breath.

“What? What’s going on?” TK asked.

“Some of them were with me when I found you. The others I had to tell when you didn’t show up for your shift.”

“What? My shift starts at five.”

“No… Your shift started at five on Sunday. It’s Wednesday now. You’ve been in a coma for three days.”

“What? I… how… That… It can’t be.”

“I’ll leave you to it.” The voice from before said and this time TK glanced around and saw a nurse of around his age. “The doctor will be around later to asses you.” She told him and left.

“Asses me? What does that mean?”

His parents shared a look.

“I think they’ll want to do a psych evaluation… to determine if you need to be admitted as a suicide risk.” Owen said after a beat.

TK sighed and closed his eyes.

“Great.”

“Should they?”

He opened one eye.

“Should they what?”

“Admit you as a suicide risk?”

“What? No!” TK said immediately but the look on his parents faces told him he wasn’t very convincing. “I don’t know… I’m pretty tired. I think I just need to get some rest.” He turned away from Owen.

Unfortunately that meant he was now facing his mother.

“Does it have something to do with Alex?” Gwyn asked and TK felt his heart shatter all over again at the mention of his boyfriend’s name. Or ex-boyfriend now he supposed. “I know you were going to propose… and he’s not here now…”

TK threw an accusing glare over his shoulder at his father.

“You told her?”

“I didn’t realise it was a secret. You were all but shouting it from the Empire State building.”

“It wasn’t your news to share! I would have told her myself if there was something to tell!”

“So is there something to tell?” Gwyn interrupted, well trained in stopping arguments between her son and ex-husband before they could explode.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” TK said, pulling the blanket up to his ears and closing his eyes. “I’m tired.”

---

A few days, multiple tests, and a mandatory psych evaluation later, TK found himself back in his childhood bedroom in his mom’s apartment.

He’d fought his parents tooth and nail to let him go back to his own place, insisting he was fine, but they’d blatantly refused.

He’d overheard Owen making calls to clear his schedule so he could be there for him, and his mom had told him she’d be working from home for the foreseeable and it was up to him to decide which parent he’d move in with.

He’d picked her because at least she’d be working and wouldn’t be hovering over him 24/7 like his dad would if neither of them would have anything to do all day.

He knew it was because they cared, but he just wanted to wallow in peace.

He rolled over in the small single bed to check his phone. Mostly out of habit since it had died on him days ago and his charger was still on his bedside table in his apartment.

Deep down he knew that if he’d been left alone with a fully charged phone, he would have ended up doing something he’d regret.

Something like calling Alex and begging him to take him back. Or yelling at him and calling him every name under the sun.

Possibly both.

But he was petty enough not to want to admit that to either of his parents.

Suddenly a knock on his bedroom door snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Permission to enter without you taking your bad mood out on me?”  

TK looked up and pushed himself up on his elbows.

“Enzo?”

“Hey kid, I come in peace.”

“What are you doing here? Did mom send you to check up on me?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” Enzo said, sitting down in TK’s desk chair.

“That’s a yes then.” TK said and sat up. “Wait, how did you get in? I didn’t hear the doorbell and mom is at the office.”

Enzo held up a keyring with several keys on it.

“There is this great invention called keys. They let you get into places without ringing the doorbell.” He joked.

“You have a key to this place?”

“Of course.”

TK narrowed his eyes.

“Are you and mom back together?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.” Enzo replied with a grin. “And I’m not here to talk about me. How are you holding up?”

TK shrugged.

“Mostly bored. Daytime tv sucks and I’m getting sick of staring at these walls. But it’s better than mom and dad constantly hovering over me and checking up on me.”

“Don’t you think they have good reason to do that? It’s not like you stubbed your toe.”

“I know.” TK sighed and let himself fall back on his bed. “I just want to forget it happened. All of it. But I can’t. Dad put me on medical leave and mom made me come back here instead of letting me go back home.”

Enzo nodded.

“She told me.”

TK rolled onto his side, leaning on his elbow.

“She won’t leave me alone for more than an hour. She’s only gone now because she absolutely had to go to the office and couldn’t get out of it. And now she’s sent you to babysit me.”

“I’ve had worse afternoons.” Enzo shrugged.

TK let out a grunt and dropped back onto his bed again, trying to ignore the feeling of being thirteen and grounded for doing something stupid while Enzo tried to get him to talk about why he’d done what he did.

“I didn’t… plan it…” TK started after a while. “I just… I wanted… to stop feeling.”

“And taking a bunch of pills was the way to do that?”

“I know it was stupid alright? But I wasn’t thinking clearly.” TK admitted and sat up again. “I proposed to Alex and he turned me down.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. And then he told me he was in love with his spin instructor and they’d been dating behind my back.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I thought we had a future together, he was just trying to get rid of me. I’m such an idiot.”

“You trusted the guy you fell in love with. That doesn’t sound so idiotic to me.”

TK shook his head.

“I always do this. I fall for a guy who doesn’t like me back or just wants something casual.”

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now…” Enzo started and waited until he had TK’s full attention. “But one day, and I hope that day will come soon, you’re going to meet someone who is as crazy about you as you are about him. And you’re going to be so happy. So happy that this will be nothing but a bad memory.”

“You’re right. That’s not what I want to hear.” TK told him and looked down at his duvet. “And it’s never going to happen anyway. I’m damaged goods. Nobody is going to want to be with me.”

---

“If you’re going to my place to get clean clothes you might as well take me with you.” TK pleaded with his father. “I’ll stay where you can see me the whole time, I promise. I just want my phone charger and my laptop. I’m not going to score, I’m just bored.”

It was a few days after his talk with Enzo, and after some pushing from his stepfather, he’d told his parents why he’d taken the pills.

It had both cleared the air and made them hover and smother him even more. He was going stir crazy and would do just about anything to get out of the apartment.

Owen hesitated for a minute but then sighed.

“Fine. We can’t keep you locked in here forever I suppose.”

“Exactly.” TK jumped up from his seat and went to grab his jacket. “Come on, let’s go.”

They decided to walk to TK’s apartment instead of getting the subway in the middle of rush hour.

“Maybe we can stop by the station on the way back. So I can let the guys know I’m ok and I’ll be back at work soon.”

“Back at work? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Did you call that therapist for an appointment?”

“What? No. I don’t need one. I just need to get back to work. Like you said, I can’t keep hanging around mom’s apartment all day and you can’t keep getting Enzo to check up on me when you’re at work.”

“He offered to stop by! He wanted to catch up and see how you were doing.”

“Well I’m fine.” TK insisted. “And I’d be even better if you’d let me go back to work.”

“I will. Once your therapist signs off on it.” Owen told him and then lowered his voice. “You nearly died TK. You overdosed. I know why you did it, I know it wasn’t an accident, and I can’t let you go back on shift when you’re not in the right headspace. You’d be putting the whole team at risk.”

TK rolled his eyes and started walking faster, zigzagging between commuters and groups of tourists in an attempt to shake off his dad. It was petty and childish but in that moment he didn’t care.  

He reached his apartment door with Owen far enough behind to not even be in sight, which pleased his inner angry teenager greatly. He put a hand in his pocket to grab his keys, only to remember he didn’t have them on him.

His dad had been to his apartment to get him a change of clothes when he’d been released from hospital and had taken his keys.

“Great.” He muttered and sat down in front of his door to sulk and wait for his dad.

Only when he heard footsteps approaching a few minutes later, it wasn’t Owen who came round the corner.

“Alex.”

“TK. Hey.” Alex smiled and TK hated that he still got butterflies in his stomach from just being near him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Just coming to see how you are. I don’t like the way we left things.” Alex explained. “I’ve been trying to call you but it keeps going to voicemail.”

“Phone is dead.” TK snapped. “And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t want to talk to you.”

“Oh come on TK. People break up all the time. We can still be friends, right?”

TK snorted.

“Friends? Do you really think I want to be friends with you?” He stood up. “You broke my heart, Alex. I loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you! I proposed!”

“Yeah… well… you always were more into it all than me.”

“Just go Alex. Leave me alone.” TK sighed and turned his back to the other man, wishing again he had his keys on him.

“I uh… actually… needed to talk to you…? I uh… lost my sunglasses. The designer ones I bought last summer? Did I leave them at your place?”

“Are you for real?!” TK exploded, just as Owen rounded the corner.

“What’s going on here?”

“I was just asking TK if I’d left my sunglasses at his place.” Alex explained, trying to sound casual. He knew full well Owen didn’t like him.

“After he dumped me for his spin instructor when I proposed to him!” TK yelled. “You cheated on me for god knows how long and if I hadn’t proposed you still wouldn’t have told me!”

“That’s not true. I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“How considerate.” TK said sarcastically. “Just go away and leave me alone. I don’t have your stupid sunglasses. Maybe ask your other boyfriend if he’s seen them.” He held his hand out to Owen. “Keys please.”

Owen handed him the keys and put himself between TK and Alex, staring the man down.

“TK doesn’t want to talk to you and if you don’t leave now, I know some people in the NYPD who might want to talk to you instead.”

“Breaking up with someone is not a crime.”

“Maybe not. But harassment is.”

“TK just let me have a quick look around for my sunglasses. I know I wore them last time I came over.” Alex said, attempting to step around Owen to get to TK but Owen stopped him with a glare and a hand on his chest.

“I think you should leave. Now. Before I do something I regret.”

“Are you threatening me Captain Strand?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it. Now leave.”

After a minute Alex decided to cut his losses.

“Let me know if you find them!” he called out to TK before turning and walking down the stairs.

Owen rolled his eyes and walked into TK’s apartment, doing his best to ignore the place he’d found TK barely two weeks ago, pale, cold, and barely holding onto life.

Thankfully this time, TK was alive and well and shoving clothes into a bag.

“Do you need me to grab anything?” Owen offered.

“Bathroom.” TK replied, voice breaking as if he was trying not to cry. Owen decided to leave him be for now and just busied himself gathering TK’s shampoo and shaving kit.

Maybe they could make a quick stop downtown after all on the way back to Gwyn’s place. Seeing the crew might cheer him up and take his mind off things.

---

Despite Owen’s best efforts, TK hadn’t cheered up from a visit to their firehouse and had barely left his bedroom since they’d gotten back to Gwyn’s place.

He was worried about him and he knew Gwyn was too.

Almost a week had passed without TK making any kind of move to pick himself back up and Owen had convinced Gwyn to stage an intervention with him to pull TK out of his own mind.

That’s where they were now. The three of them sat at Gwyn’s kitchen table, staring each other down, none of them really knowing where to start.

“I don’t know what your plan was, but if it was just us sitting here, staring at each other, you can do it without me.” TK said and pushed his chair back and got up.

“TK. Sit down.” Gwyn told him and reached out for his hand. “Please. Your father and I just want to talk to you.”

TK sighed and sat back down.

“About what? That I should go to therapy? Or NA? That you’ll be there for me every step of the way? That it’ll be good for me?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, gearing up for a fight.

“I got offered a job.” Owen interrupted. “In Austin, Texas. Rebuilding a firehouse that lost almost its entire crew.”

“Ok.” TK said after a minute of letting the sudden change of subject sink in. “Good for you, dad.”

“I think I’m going to take it.”

TK nodded.

“So you’re moving to Texas then.”

“Yeah… I… we… your mother and I… we both think you should come with me.”

“What? No way. My life is here. My friends, my job.”

“You’ll make new friends. Better friends.”

“Friends who don’t use.” TK deadpanned.

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Owen asked. “And you’ll have a job at the firehouse with me.”

“So you can check up on me.” TK said, daring him to disagree. “And why would I move to hate crime, USA? I’m gay, dad. And Jewish. Texas isn’t the most welcoming place for people like me.”

“I’m sure a big city like Austin isn’t so bad.” Gwyn offered. “If you want to go back to temple I can reach out and ask for recommendations for LGBT+ friendly places in Austin.”

“I’m not moving to Texas!” TK yelled and got up and started pacing. “I actually found a rehab place in California. I emailed them to ask if they have a place for me. I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure there was anything to tell, but if they get back to me and tell me I can come, I’m going.  A few weeks of yoga on the beach and I’ll be fine. I’ll be able to go back to work and actually do the things I trained for instead of hanging around this place all day.”

“California?” Gwyn interrupted. “When did you find that place?”

“The other day. When we got back from packing up my stuff.”

“Ok. And what kind of place is it? Can you show me the website?”

“It’s just this wellness thing. I don’t have the details right now.” TK brushed her off and turned his attention to his phone when it buzzed in his pocket.

“If it’s yoga you want, I can go to yoga classes with you here. You don’t need to go to the other side of the country.” Owen offered. “Just no goat yoga. I’ve heard weird things about that.” He tried to joke to relieve the tension.

TK didn’t reply just focused on his phone.

“Everything alright? TK?”

“Uh yeah, yeah… I just got an email from that place in California I found… they have a place for me. I can start the program as soon as tomorrow.”

“That’s good isn’t it?” Gwyn asked “That’s what you wanted.”

“Yeah… I uh… just didn’t think I’d be able to start so soon.”

“You don’t have to go.” Owen said, trying to find the right words. “I mean. You can go to NA here, I can come with you. There are clinics and programs here in NYC too. You don’t have to do it all on your own. I want to help you. So does your mother.”

“I know dad… but I… I think I just… I need to get away. I just… need to put as much distance between me and… everything that’s bad for me here.” TK said as if he was telling himself why going to California was the best thing for him.

“Like Alex.”

“No. Yes. Not just him. This isn’t his fault. It’s on me.”

“Him being a lying, cheating…”

“Dad…”

“What?” Owen asked. “It sure as hell didn’t help, did it?”

TK shook his head.

“You’ve never liked him.”

“Clearly with good reason.”

“Tell me more about this place in California you found?” Gwyn interrupted, trying to get the conversation back on track. “What do they offer except yoga?”

“It’s… some kind of retreat. I think. I signed up pretty quickly so I wouldn’t change my mind.”

“But it’s a rehab facility?”

“Yeah. They have medical staff and they offer therapy. I think I’ll be good for me.”

“Why don’t you just come to Texas with me? We’ll start over together.” Owen offered. “I’m sure they have yoga classes in Texas too.”

“No, dad… I need to do this on my own. I want to do this. I want to get clean once and for all.”

“And you think going to California will help you do that?” Gwyn asked.

“Yeah. Yeah I think so.” TK told them. “And there was this guy in the academy with me. Evan B... something. He transferred to LA to be closer to his sister or whatever… I don’t really remember. But maybe I can message him when I’m done, see if there are any jobs going with the LAFD. Stay out west for a while.”

“You have a job here. And I can get you a job in Texas.” Owen said, earning him a glare from his ex-wife. “But if you think California is the right thing to do for you… we’ll both support you.

---   

A few days, a maxed out credit card, a teary airport goodbye, an exhausting flight, and a three hour time difference to mess with his head later, TK stepped off the plane in California and went to the motions of reclaiming his bag.

He threw it over his shoulder and shuffled through the arrivals hall with the rest of the passengers. As soon as he walked through the doors, someone rushed past him. He wanted to snap at the guy and maybe throw in a snide comment or two, but then he saw him practically throw himself at another guy holding a heart shaped balloon and he had to look away. He couldn’t deal with happy couples right now.

Instead he made himself focus on looking for whoever the clinic had sent to pick him up.

He noticed a guy in a simple button down shirt and jeans instead of the usual corporate three piece grey suit holding a sign that, upon closer inspection, said Tyler Strand.”

“Hi. I think you’re here for me.” He told the guy, walking up to him.

“Are you Tyler Strand?”

“Yeah. I uh… go by TK actually. “Tyler Kennedy. Two first names. My parents have never agreed on anything in their lives, naming me was no different… this was their compromise.”

“Oh. Sorry about that. I just copied what was on the form.”

“It’s fine. Someone getting my name wrong is the least of my problems at the moment.”

“Yeah.” The guy said and cleared his throat. “ Uhm… Do you have everything? Your luggage?”

“Just this.” TK shrugged the shoulder his bag was hanging from.

“Alright. Let’s get going then. It’s not that far from here. Only about an hour and a half’s drive.” The guy told him and started walking. “I’m Carlos by the way.”

TK followed him out of the airport and to the parking lot where he unlocked a plain black car, thankfully without any logos or the name of the retreat on it.

“Just throw your bag in the back, it’s open.” Carlos told him and TK did as he was told before getting into the car.

They pulled out of the parking lot and soon they were onto the highway.

As much as TK tried to focus on the random pop songs playing on the radio, the guy sitting next to him intrigued him for some reason and he wanted to talk to him to find out more about him.

“So are you a therapist or just the driver?”

“I’m not a therapist.” Carlos told him, glancing back and forth between TK and the road. “Though I’ve been told I’m a good listener if you want to talk.” He shot TK a quick smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m more of an activities kind of guy.”

“Activities? What is this, summer camp?”

Carlos laughed.

“Well… in a way. Though a bit unconventional. Maybe more like boy scouts? For adults.”

“I was never a boy scout.” TK shrugged. “Born and raised in Manhattan. The most exotic place my parents took me was the Bronx zoo.”

Carlos laughed.

“I’ll try not to hold it against you.”

They made small talk about the music on the radio, the latest celebrity scandal, an upcoming superhero film, and even the weather, until TK felt himself getting drowsy and rested his head against the window, planning to close his eyes for five minutes.

The next thing he knew was Carlos gently shaking his shoulder to wake him up.

“Hey, you fell asleep about an hour ago but we’re here.”

TK rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked around.

“Right. Ok. Sorry about that.”

“It’s ok. You probably needed the rest.” Carlos gave him a friendly smile and helped him grab his stuff from the trunk. “Do you want to go over the paperwork now or do you want to get settled in first?”

“Papers.” TK replied right away. “Get it over with.”

“Alright, follow me.”

Carlos lead him into a building and down a few hallways. They met a couple of people along the way and Carlos greeted them all in passing. Though they all seemed to be staff rather than patients and it made TK curious.

“How many people are here.. for uh… help?”

“About 30 in total. Not that many.” Carlos replied, opening a door with a key card. “That way we have more time to curate people’s experience based on their needs.” 

TK snorted.

“Did you just quote the website?”

Carlos shot him a grin.

“What can I say, I like to be prepared.”

He opened another door and entered an office and gestured for TK to sit down.

“Just give me a minute to find everything. I don’t usually do the paperwork thing and this isn’t my office.” He explained. “I don’t have an office.”

“It’s fine.” TK shrugged. “It’s not like I’ve got anywhere else to be.”

Carlos opened a few drawers and pulled out some forms.

“Ok, let’s get started. First question. When is the last time you used?”

“Anything?”

“Hmm.”

“On the plane here…” TK admitted reluctantly.

“What did you take?”

“Just… two little bottles of vodka from the drinks cart. To take the edge off.”

Carlos nodded and wrote down TK’s answers.

“Anything else?”

“No.”

“And before today? What was your drug of choice?”

“Anything I could get my hands on…” TK told him, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. Thankfully the track marks on his arms weren’t nearly as bad as they could have been, but he still felt self-conscious about them.

Carlos’s eyes flicked to his arms but he didn’t acknowledge the move.

“Ok. You said you overdosed in your application, what did you use?”

“Pills… they were easiest to get…” TK answered, squirming in his seat, regretting not choosing to go to his room first.

“Oxy?”

“Yes… do we really have to do this?”

Carlos put his pen down.

“You can fill it in yourself if you’d rather… but one of us has to somehow. These need to be filled in and filed before your treatment can fully start.”

“Right.”

“Look, I know this is a lot but it’s only going to get better from here.”

“Hopefully.”

“You don’t think you can do it?”

TK sighed and leaned back in his chair.

“I want to. For my parents. I’ve caused them so much pain…”

“But…” Carlos prompted.

“But… this isn’t my first time trying to get clean.” TK sighed. “I just… don’t know if I can do it. Maybe this is as good as it gets.” He shrugged. “I get clean for a few months and then just… find a reason to score again.”

“And why shouldn’t this time be different? Why shouldn’t this time be the time you kick the habit for good?”

TK shook his head.

“I don’t know. I’m pretty tired. Can we finish this another time? Tomorrow maybe?”

Carlos smiled and TK felt a little bit of the pent up anxiety slowly slip away.

“Sure. I’ll show you to your room.”

---

The next morning TK was woken up by someone knocking on his door.

He dragged himself out of bed and opened it to see Carlos standing there in work out gear.

“Morning.” He said happily. “Are you ready to start the day?”

“What?” TK blinked and tried to wake himself up enough to figure out what was going on.

“It’s a nice morning. We’re going for a run. The others are on their way too.”

“Others? Run? What?”

“It’s part of the program you signed up for.” Carlos said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Healthy body and a healthy mind.”

“I… I don’t… I… think… uhm… I don’t understand.”

Carlos smiled.

“Not a morning person?”

“No. Yes. I mean. What the hell is going on?”

“It’s time to start the day with a run. And then when we’re done with that we can finish the paperwork from yesterday before the afternoon program starts.”

“Afternoon program?” TK shook his head in an attempt to wake himself up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The program.” Carlos said and proceeded to run TK through an itinerary that exhausted him just listening to it.

“I… What’s going on?” TK asked “Is this bootcamp for navy SEALs?”

“Hardly.” Carlos snorted “But this is what you signed up for.”

“No… I think I’d remember joining the army.”

“I know it can be a lot on your first day but you get used to it soon enough. Trust me.”

“I… I think there’s been a mistake. I was under the impression this was more… yoga on the beach and spiritual awareness and all that.”

“Well… I do yoga in my spare time, I know a few poses. I’m not an instructor or anything but we can set something up after dinner maybe.”

“After going through special ops training? I don’t think I’ll be alive.”

“It’s not so bad. Honestly.”

“Somehow I doubt that. I guess I didn’t really read the website that well when I signed up. I uh… I’m sorry for wasting your time. I’ll figure out a way to get back to the airport and see if there’s room on a flight back east any time soon.”

Carlos crossed his arms in front of his chest and TK had to force himself to not let his eyes linger on the way his muscles moved under his shirt.

“So you’re just giving up? I didn’t think you were a quitter.” He uncrossed his arms. “But I guess it’s easier to leave than to admit you can’t cut it.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s ok.” He shrugged. “Not everyone can handle this program. It’s good to know your limits. I’ll drive you back to the airport myself. Do you need to call anyone? The phone signal is kind of hit and miss out here. Mostly miss.”

TK knew Carlos was baiting him but he wasn’t one to back down from a challenge.

“Give me five minutes.”

---

TK considered himself to be in pretty good shape. His firefighter training made sure of that. He’d been in the top 5 of his class in the academy and could definitely hold his own compared to the more experienced members of his crew.

Only the program he’d apparently signed up for now seemed designed to actually kill him. He was sure even Navy SEALS would think it was too much.

The morning run wasn’t just a few miles in the area or even on a track, but through the woods near the facility. Uphill and down again. Avoiding tree roots, rocks, overgrown areas, and random holes.

They were running in a group but TK, as well as some other patients, were trailing behind.

Just as he was trying to figure out a route back to base camp as he’d started calling the clinic in his head, Carlos caught up with him.

“How are you holding up?”

“I don’t know. Fine.” TK panted. “Is this your tactic? Trying to kill me? If I’m dead I won’t think about wanting to use?”

Carlos chuckled.

“Has anyone ever told you, you can be pretty dramatic?”

TK grinned.

“Often. But it’s part of my charm.” He said and dropped down at the foot of a tree to catch his breath.

Carlos gestured to his coworker and the rest of the group to keep going and sat down next to him.

“So when did you decide to be an army drill sergeant?” TK asked, using his shirt to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“I’m a cop actually. Or… used to be I guess.”

“That explains a lot.”

“It does?”

“You like torturing people.”

“I like helping people.” Carlos insisted. “That’s why I left the force. A friend of a friend got me this job. I figured I could do more good here than arresting people for minor offences.”

TK nodded.

“That’s… very noble of you.” He settled on.

“Try telling my family that.” Carlos sighed. “My whole family is in law enforcement somehow. My dad especially wasn’t happy when I quit my job. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps, carry on the family legacy.”

“Yeah… I know a thing or two about following in your father’s footsteps.” TK said and leaned back against the tree.

They sat in silence for a while until they heard the rest of the group coming closer and got up to join them again.

---  

“So how did you end up here? You don’t seem like the typical Californian surfer dude.”

Carlos laughed.

“What do they look like then?”

TK shrugged.

“I don’t know. Not like you. More… bleached blond and beady necklaces. And flip flops.”

“Well you’ve got me there. I’m from Texas originally. Austin.”

“Really?”

“Yup. I grew up on a ranch on the outskirts of the city.”

“A ranch? So you’re a farmer? Or a cowboy?”

“Neither. Both. It’s complicated.”

TK nodded.

“Does complicated have a name?”

“Yeah. Dad.”

It had become a thing. Whenever they could get away with it, TK and Carlos would just hang out and talk. No pressure from the group sessions or the one on one talks with his assigned therapist, but just the two of them.

Since he’d gone through the worst of the withdrawal in hospital back in New York, his treatment mostly consisted of working on his mental health. And thankfully for him, talking to Carlos did just that. They had a similar sense of humour, similar complicated relationships with their families, and just generally got on well.

He’d told him about Alex, Carlos told him about marrying his best friend in an attempt to please his family.

“How did that work out for you?”

“Badly.” Carlos shrugged. “I mean we’re still friends… and my mom had a framed picture of us on display with the rest of the family pictures. For a while I told myself that meant I’d done the right thing. But it wasn’t.”

“If we were allowed to drink here, I’d buy you a beer and we could raise a glass to making bad decisions to please our parents.”

---

A few days later, the group TK was in was going on a hike with an overnight stay in the woods near the clinic.

TK was less than enthusiastic about it, and told Carlos as much (repeatedly) as he helped pack tents and other gear.

“Just think of it as going camping.” Carlos offered. “It’ll be fun. Connecting with nature and stuff. Maybe I can even smuggle in some ‘smores.”

TK gave him a blank look.

“I’m from NYC. I grew up in Manhattan. My parents are workaholics. What makes you think I ever went camping as a kid.?”

“You mean you never pitched a tent in central park?” Carlos joked. “Or maybe swam in that fountain you see in every movie?”

“I’ve done a lot of things in Central Park…” TK started. “But somehow never that.”

“Well, maybe you should. It’s good to have a goal in life.”

“Only if you come bail me out when I get arrested.”

“I don’t know, it’s kind of a long commute from here.”

TK laughed and ducked his head. Their talks had started to get a little, or a lot, flirty and he was fairly confident Carlos liked it as much as he did. Liked him.

Only every time TK thought the other man might make a move, or when he was hyping himself up to do so, Carlos would come up with some excuse that meant he had to be as far away from TK as possible for at least a couple of hours.

He wanted to ask why but also wasn’t ready for a simple answer like Carlos just not liking him like that.

So instead he said nothing and just admired Carlos from a distance and made himself talk to other people.

Which was going fine until about 15 minutes into their hike when one of the other patients tripped and fell down a hill.

TK’s first responders training kicked in and he rushed over to them, skidding and sliding down the hill.

“Let me have a look, I’m a paramedic. Don’t move.” He told the woman. He’d talked to her a few times and vaguely remembered her name was Hannah and she was from Wisconsin. He tried to examine her as best he could without his medical gear. She had a head wound and her leg was obviously broken.

He noticed someone coming down the hill after them and didn’t have to look to know it was Carlos.

“I have a first aid kit. It’s got the basics.” He said, unzipping his backpack.

With Carlos’ help, TK managed to treat Hannah’s injuries while one of the other staff members radioed for a medevac to get her out of there and to a hospital.

“Someone needs to get up there to show the helicopter where exactly we are. It’s the only place they’ll be able to land.” Carlos said, nodding at a an open place higher up from where they were and turned to TK. “How are you with heights?”

“Fine.” TK shrugged. “I’m a firefighter.”

“I thought you said you were a paramedic?”

“I am. Both. I’m dual certified.”

“Really? That’s impressive.”

They carefully climbed up to the landing spot and with help of the rest of the group and the paramedics, they got Hannah onto the helicopter and on her way to the hospital.

“You two make a pretty good team.” Luke, one of the other patients said, and TK found himself agreeing with him.

“Yeah, we do, don’t we?” Carlos said with a smile.

---

“We’ll set up camp on the other side of this river.” One of the other staff members announced as the group walked up to a river a while later.

“And how do we get there?” TK asked, fearing he already knew the answer.

“We cross it.”

“By bridge?”

Next to him Carlos laughed.

“Did they teach you to swim in firefighter training?”

“They did not actually. The only water I handled in that was the kind that’s supposed to save you from burning to death in abandoned warehouses.”

“That’s… oddly specific.” Lexi, the other staff member commented.

TK shrugged.

“It’s the easiest thing to set up for training recruits.”

“Anyway.” Carlos clapped his hands. “I hope everyone can swim because we’re going through the water to the other side of the river.”

“And how do we do that with all of the stuff we’ve been dragging around?” TK asked him.

“You tell me.”

TK raised an eyebrow.

“This is beginning to feel more and more like summer camp. Or boy scouts.”

“I thought you’d never been a boy scout?”

“I’ve seen them on tv.”

Carlos laughed.

“Well in the beginning you were calling this basic training for Navy SEALs so I guess you’re getting used to it all.” He winked and TK suddenly didn’t mind the hiking and the camping so much anymore.

After some arguing and general chaos, the group managed to work together to create some kind of raft to get them and their gear to the other side of the river, without swimming.

Only the raft wasn’t very stable and when it was TK’s turn, he leaned to one side too much, causing the raft to flip and him ending up in the water.

Thankfully it was a warm day so he didn’t mind too much. But he could’ve done without making a fool out of himself in front of Carlos.

Carlos who was getting into the water with him to help him get his stuff onto the river bank.

Carlos who looked unfairly gorgeous in a wet t shirt.

“Are you ok?” He asked TK who was trying to swim to shore with some of his dignity intact.

“Yeah. Just a bruised ego.”

After the rest of the group made it across in one piece, they all helped Carlos and TK get out of the water and see how much of their stuff was still ok to use.

“I think you two should just go dry out in the sun for a while.” Lexi told them. “We’ll lay out your tent, TK, so it can dry too.”

“My tent is big enough for the both of us.” Carlos cut in. “We’ll lay your sleeping bag out in the sun and we’ll just share my tent. If that’s ok with you?” He asked TK who was about to actually jump for joy.

“Sure.” He replied, hoping he sounded a lot more casual than he felt. “I promise I don’t snore.” He joked.

“That’s ok. I can sleep through anything. My sisters used to share a bedroom next to mine when I was a kid and they fought a lot. The walls were paper thin.” Carlos told him as he and TK made their way over to a sunny spot by some rocks near to where the rest of the group was setting up the camp.

TK sat down and closed his eyes, tilting his face up to the afternoon sun.

“We should probably get out of these wet clothes.” Carlos said after a few minutes.

TK opened his eyes and looked at him plucking at his wet t-shirt, obviously uncomfortable.

He grinned.

“Are you trying to get me naked?  

“What? No, no, no. I just don’t want you to catch hypothermia. And neither do I.”

“Well, you know the best way to warm up is sharing body heat.”

Carlos looked at him for what seemed like hours and TK could practically see the cogs turning in his head, working through the various replies, trying to find one that was still the right side of professional.

Fortunately or unfortunately, he wasn’t sure, some of the other patients joined them and their little hang out for two turned into a group therapy session.

“Oh my god, look at that!” TK exclaimed a little while later. “Don’t move guys, you’ll scare him off.”

Carlos followed TK’s line of sight and noticed a small lizard sitting on a nearby rock, observing the intruders in his territory, trying to find out if they were a threat.

“Look at him, he’s so cute.” TK slowly crawled over to the lizard. “Hey buddy. Did you come to say hello?” He carefully moved his hand to try and pet the animal.

“Careful. It might bite.”

“Not if it doesn’t feel threatened. It’s just coming to take a look. He’s just a curious little guy.”

“You like reptiles?” Luke asked, the look on his face making it clear he definitely didn’t.

“Yeah. They’re gorgeous and they can make such great pets. I had a friend in middle school who had a leopard gecko. It was so cute and smart. I was over there all the time.” TK said excitedly. “I practically begged my parents for a lizard for my birthday from then on. I did all the research and worked out where to buy food and everything.”

“Did you ever get it?” Carlos asked.

TK shook his head.

“My dad wanted a dog and my mom had and still has a parrot called Ginsburg.”

“After Ruth Bader Ginsburg?”

“Yeah. My mom’s a lawyer and a politics junkie.” TK said absentmindedly, while still trying to befriend the lizard. The entire group watched with bated breath as he slowly moved his pointer finger closer to the lizard’s head.

Only right before he could have touched it, the lizard decided it had had enough and scurried off.

TK pulled a disappointed face and sat back down.

“Better luck next time.” Luke offered and TK nodded.

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll get a lizard when I’m done here and going back home.”

Their little group spent the rest of the afternoon talking and just enjoying being out in nature.

By the time it started to get dark, they moved back to the place where they’d put up the tents and everyone got comfortable around the fire.

They talked, shared stories of their lives back home, and offered each other advice and support.

As the night went on, one by one people started calling it a night until it was just Carlos and TK left by the fire.

“Alone at last.” TK said as he moved to sit next to Carlos. “I thought they’d never leave us alone.”

Carlos glanced at him at smiled.

“Are you not enjoying spending time with your fellow patients?”

“They’re alright.” TK shrugged. “But I’d rather spend time with one person in particular.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He’s kind, helpful, sweet, a great listener, and absolutely insanely gorgeous.”

Carlos bit his lip.

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

“I’m a mess.” TK shook his head.

“Maybe. But you’re a hot mess.” Carlos told him, the late hour and the bubble they found themselves in apparently turning off any filter between his brain and his mouth.

TK felt his cheeks heat up but decided to throw caution to the wind and make his move. He leaned in, looking down at Carlos’ lips and back up into the soulful brown eyes that made his heart flutter.

The moment his lips met Carlos’ he felt himself come alive in ways he hadn’t ever thought possible. It started off as nothing more than a press of lips but soon grew more heated as TK ran his tongue along Carlos’ lips until he opened up for him.

He licked into his mouth while his hands had found their way into Carlos’ hair, running his fingers through the soft curls as Carlos ran his hands over TK’s back, pulling him impossibly closer.

Somewhere in the back of his mind TK knew someone could catch them at any given moment, but the feeling of finally getting to kiss Carlos after weeks of quietly pining for him was too good to stop and he wanted more.

He moved his hands from Carlos’ hair, down to his waist and slipping them under his shirt, letting them roam over his chest and stomach.

Carlos pulled back and started kissing his neck and TK discovered he was really into that.

Only when TK’s hands moved lower and started blindly fumbling with the button on Carlos’ jeans, somehow the spell was broken and the moment was gone.

Carlos jumped up and touched his fingers to his lips.

“This… can’t happen.”

“Why not?” TK asked, getting up and taking a step towards him. “We both want it.”

“I’m supposed to be helping you. I can’t take advantage of you like this.”

TK rolled his eyes.

“It’s not taking advantage if I want it.”

Carlos shook his head.

“We can’t. I… I can’t jeopardise your sobriety like this.”

“My sobriety is my own responsibility. That’s what this program is teaching me isn’t it? To take responsibility for my actions. This is me doing that. I want to kiss you and I know you want it too.”

TK took another step forward and closed the distance between them. He slowly leaned in and put his hand on Carlos’ cheek while looking him in the eye.

“I want this.” He said before pressing his lips to Carlos’ in a soft chaste kiss that couldn’t be more different from the first one.

Carlos seemed to almost melt under his touch and TK felt his resolve slipping as he started to kiss him back.

At least until his brain caught up with the rest of his body and he pulled away again.

“I can’t. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have… I just… I can’t. If anyone finds out I’ll get fired so fast… I’m crossing so many lines.”

“I don’t care. I like you. I want this.” TK told him.

“I do care.” Carlos said, almost begging him to understand. “I want to help people get their life back on track. I can’t… do this. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have… I screwed up. I’m sorry.”

“Do you not like me?” TK asked when Carlos had to pause his rambling to take a breath.

“I do. I like you a lot. And if things were different I wouldn’t hesitate to take you out on a date or cook you dinner… But I can’t take advantage of the situation like this.”

“But you’re not.” TK said, trying to make him understand. “You’re not.”

“I am. I’m supposed to help you. I’m supposed to… I don’t know… guide you. You’re a client. I’m in a position of power.”

“What if we just forget that? Just for tonight. And tomorrow we’ll just go back to how things were before.”

Carlos gave him a small smile and TK could tell he was seriously considering it.

“I wish I could.” He replied. “But I don’t think I could go back if I let myself get lost in you. You are… a force to be reckoned with TK Strand. And I wish things were different. I wish we’d just met in a bar or getting a coffee downtown. I wish I could get to know you without all of this.”

“You could. You can. The program is almost over. Nobody has to know. I won’t tell if you don’t.” TK told him and stepped closer again. “Please don’t make me beg.”

Carlos smiled and ran a hand through TK’s hair.

“You deserve the world.” He told him. “And don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.”

Carlos stepped away and disappeared into the tent, only to come back out with his sleeping bag almost right away.

“I’ll sleep out here. It’s supposed to stay dry anyway.”

“Carlos don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not. I can’t share a tent with you and not touch you. I don’t think I would be able to control myself.”

“Then don’t.” TK pleaded and he could tell Carlos was this close to giving in.

He took a deep breath and made himself step away.

“If things were different…” He looked at TK and shook his head slightly. “It’s better this way.”

The rest of his time in California, TK spent mostly on his own, mourning something he’d never really had.

A few other patients noticed he and Carlos weren’t attached at the hip anymore and his assigned therapist noticed his mood had changed.

He fed all of them some line about being homesick and ended up calling his dad and agreeing to join him in Austin.

On his last day, Carlos was nowhere to be found and TK told himself to accept he just wasn’t interested.

He said goodbye to the friends he’d made and made them promise to look him up if they ever found themselves in Austin Texas. He’d slipped a note under Carlos’ door telling him the same.

“Station 126. Just ask for me.”

One of the staff members TK had only seen but never talked to drove him to the airport and wished him the best.

When he landed in Austin, his dad was waiting for him and pulled him into a hug the moment he walked through the doors after the luggage reclaim.

The house Owen had bought looked like something straight from a home improvement show and TK did his best to make it feel like home.

The dog he’d adopted was a nice distraction and TK took it out on long walks to explore Austin together.

His new coworkers were nice enough and after a few weeks of working together they’d become a close knit friend group.

He hadn’t told them about Carlos however. He hadn’t told anyone. That kiss was his memory and his alone.

Though maybe he should take Paul and Marjan up on their offer of going out to explore the Austin nightlife on their next day off.

Maybe there would be someone to make him forget about Carlos, even if just for one night.

---

“I’m just saying, when in Rome. Or… when in Texas.” A young woman in a hijab said to a black man standing near her as they cleaned the fire engine. Carlos watched them through the open bay doors for a moment before taking a deep breath and walking in.

“Hi… I’m looking for TK Strand. Does he work here?”

“That depends. Who’s asking?” the woman asked.

“I’m Carlos. I’m a… friend from California.” He settled on, not sure how much TK’s coworkers knew about him.

Confusion flashed over the woman’s face and she looked at the man who just shrugged.

“Ok. Wait here. I’ll go see if he’s available.” She instructed him and turned around and walked up some stairs.

When she returned a few minutes later TK was right behind her.

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and just stared.

“Carlos? What are you doing here?”

“You told me to look you up if I ever decided to go back to Austin… here I am.”

“I… Yeah… I can see that.” TK stammered, still not quite believing what he was seeing.

The woman and the man from before were still lurking, ready to jump in the moment they deemed it necessary.

“You ok TK?” the woman asked.

“Yeah, yeah it’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. He’s alright. He’s not the guy from New York.”

The woman nodded.

“Alright. Just yell if you need anything. There are a bunch of firefighters up there who have your back.” She said, not quite talking to TK anymore.

“I know. Thanks Marj.”

The woman nodded again and walked back up the stairs, the man following close behind.

“She’s…” Carlos trailed off, not sure what to say.

“Yeah. I told them about my ex… and my OD.”

“Oh. Good. I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure what you’d told people here…”

“Thanks, but I’ve decided to stop hiding who I am.” TK shrugged. “My addiction is always going to be a part of me. Hiding it won’t change that.”

Carlos nodded.

“That’s… that’s good. I uh… I’ve decided to do the same I guess.” He told TK.

“Not hide your addiction anymore? I didn’t think you had one?”

Carlos shook his head.

“No. I mean… I’m not going to hide who I am anymore. I’m just… still kind of figuring out who that is.”

TK smiled.

“Well… the person I met in California was kind, a good listener, gentle with a slight sadistic streak.” He joked and they both laughed. “What are you really doing here Carlos?”

“I quit my job in California. I’m back in Austin.” Carlos explained. “I’m staying with a friend right now until I get a place of my own.”

“Ok.”

“I just… I know it’s been a few weeks but… I can’t get you out of my head.” He stepped forward and reached out to grab TK’s hand, smiling when TK let him. “I’d like to get to know you… without… everything… from California.”

“But the stuff from California didn’t just go away when I completed the program.”

“I know. But I also know there is more to you than just your addiction.” He took TK’s other hand in his. “Remember when I told you I’d want to cook you dinner and take you out on a date?”

“The night you insisted on sleeping outside because I’d kissed you? Yeah I remember.”

“It was the right decision at the time… but… now things are different… so… if… if you’re still interested… maybe we could… go on that date sometime? And you’d let me cook you dinner?”

“That depends, will you end up sleeping under the stars again?”

Carlos laughed.

“Maybe. If my friend won’t let us use her place. I’ll have to sleep in my car.”

“Do you have a big car?”

“No. Not exactly. I drive a Camaro. Looks cool but limited space for sleeping.”

“Well hopefully your friend will be in a good mood then.”

“Yeah… so is that a yes?”

TK smiled.

“Yeah. It’s a yes.”

Carlos’ smile got impossibly bigger.

“How does Friday sound?”

TK let go of Carlos’ hands and cupped his face.

“It’s a date.” He said and leaned in and kissed Carlos.

Somewhere behind them a chorus of cheers and wolf whistles erupted.

“I think your friends approve.”  

#911 lone star #tarlos #tarlos fic #tk strand #carlos reyes #my writing

[my-head-is-an-animal]

Problems With The Heart

Greg House x Dr Anna Harding (OFC)

Story Masterlist

Chapter 26 - Mr and Mrs Harding

Living with Wilson was fun, it was like being back in college, House played a few pranks here and there and for a while it was fun, but he always found himself back at Anna’s apartment talking to her about things he could barely remember and having more fun with her than he did with anyone else.

He had just come off clinic duty and wandered into the lobby where Anna was talking to a couple, the woman looked an awful lot like her and the man had striking blue eyes like Anna. She seemed more comfortable talking to the man than the woman and House deduced that they were her parents.

‘Look, I have to do a couple hours in the clinic,’ Anna said, with another air of discomfort. ‘Can we talk about this at dinner?’

She went to walk away. ‘Why do you always do this?’

‘Caroline.’ Her father stopped her mother from making a scene. ‘Let her get on with her job.’ Her father said. ‘Annabelle, we’ll see you tonight and we will be completely understanding of your choice.’

Anna nodded and watched her parents leave the hospital. She sighed and quickly recomposed herself, turning toward the clinic and seeing House.

‘You okay?’ He asked.

‘Yeah.’ She sighed, walking towards the clinic. House took a moment before deciding this wasn’t something to let go.

‘Anna.’ He said, following behind her. She turned around slowly, folding her arms. ‘Can I do anything to help?’

She gestured for them to talk privately in the exam room. He followed her locking the door behind them.

‘I didn’t know they were in town,’ she said, looking like she was on the verge of tears. ‘Dad said they missed me at Christmas, mum was upset that I didn’t call a few weeks ago.’

‘Why didn’t you call?’ House asked.

Anna shrugged. ‘I just didn’t want to talk to them.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because then I’d have to talk to my mum and explain you.’

House frowned. ‘I don’t understand.’

Anna inhaled and sat up on the exam bed. ‘My mum really liked one of my old boyfriends, he was a nice enough guy and everything, but I was eighteen and it was just one of those flash relationships. Anyway, before I left for my second tour, we went out a few times and my mum decided to stay in contact with him and now she’s under the impression that’ll I’ll go back to England to be with him.’

House felt a little uncomfortable, he didn’t want to think about her with anyone else.

‘I can see your mind working and there’s no chance I’m going back to England for some boy.’ She told him. ‘But the last time I spoke to my dad, he asked if I was happy, I said yes and he’s not an idiot, he asked if I was seeing someone, I didn’t know how to answer and eventually I told him about you. I didn’t go into too much detail or anything. He knows you’re a doctor, he knows you’re a little older than me, that we started out as friends-‘

‘Is friends code for booty call?’

‘Yes.’ She said immediately. ‘I didn’t think my dad needed to know I was having casual sex with drug addict.’

‘Touché.’ House nodded. ‘So, what was your dad talking about? What’s the choice you have to make?’

Anna let her head drop and took a breath. ‘My parents invited you to dinner.’

He felt his heart drop not for the first time. ‘You want me to meet your parents?’

‘No.’ She looked up quickly. ‘My parents want to meet you. I’ve told them I’m not ready for that and I also didn’t think you’d be ready for that.’

House thought about it for a moment. ‘I can… if you want me to meet them… I can do that.’

Anna rolled her eyes and chuckled. ‘It’s not you, I’m not embarrassed or anything, I just… you told me you thought I deserved more than you could give me. My mum is only going to reinforce that and I’m not going to sit there and take that kind of crap and you shouldn’t either.’

‘So, you don’t want me to meet your parents? Ever?’

‘Not never, just… why do you want to meet them?’ She frowned.

‘I want you to be happy and if meeting your parents makes you happy, then I’ll do it.’

Anna took a moment to watch him. ‘Son of a bitch.’ She breathed, shaking her head.

‘What? What did I do?’ House started to panic.

‘You can’t just do things to make me happy, House.’ She exclaimed. ‘I’m not saying do nothing to make me happy, but you have to treat me the same way, you have to tell how to make you happy.’

‘I don’t need anything from you.’

‘Yeah, you do.’ She snapped back. ‘Greg, this is a two-way street, you don’t want to meet my parents, you want to get drunk and play the piano until we both can’t see or walk straight. And that’s okay, but you can’t pretend to just be okay with the things I’d like to do.’

‘You’re angry at me for trying to make you happy?’

‘I’m angry at you for not wanting things to make you happy.’ Anna jumped down from the exam bed and House wasn’t sure what to do. ‘I love that you’re trying to do this, I love that it’s still fun, but there’s a point where we need to find a balance between fun and more.’

He didn’t say anything for the longest time and Anna couldn’t wait any longer to start treating patients. He sat in the corner of the exam room and watched her treating patients for the next two hours, silently.

Anna paused before leaving the exam room, like she was going to say something, but she didn’t say anything and left him alone.

Dinner was about as exciting as I knew it would be, we sat down and my dad was talking about some stuff they wanted to do in New York, that was when I saw House a couple of steps away from my dad and it was too late to stop him.

‘Mr and Mrs Harding,’ he said, my dad looked up and within a few seconds he sussed House out. ‘I’m Greg House.’

‘Yes, Annabelle has told all about you.’ My dad said, standing up to shake his hand. ‘We’re so pleased you could make it.’

‘Annabelle said you had a patient to look after.’ My mum chimed in.

‘Yes,’ House nodded. ‘But I have several doctors on my team who have taken over in my absence.’

‘I see,’ my mum smiled and my dad and I both rolled our eyes. ‘Did none of them have plans?’

‘Mum.’ I said. ‘Let’s just have some dinner.’

She conceded rather cynically and dad got another chair brought over.

‘So, Greg,’ mum went on. ‘How long have you and Annabelle been seeing each other?’

‘Caroline, we really don’t need to quiz them.’ My dad always made the save, in fact he spent most of the evening making saves.

My mum quizzed House and myself to the point where it was nonsensical and House did everything he could to be polite and even answered a few of the probing questions. I drew my own line when she asked about his cane, but he was diplomatic about it.

‘I had a blood clot,’ he said. ‘They had to cut out some of the muscle if I wanted to keep my leg and I did.’

My mum didn’t seem to have much to say on the subject, but she did ask him about his job which my dad and I decided was a safe subject. House got the message and talked a little more about diagnostics.

Suddenly both our beepers went off.

‘It’s Mrs Carter,’ I sighed. ‘She’s going into cardiac arrest again.’

‘That’s the fourth time in two days.’ House said, remembering all the trouble I’d had with this patient.

‘Yeah and I can’t figure out why.’

‘You did an MRI? Echo?’

‘Yeah, they were both clean, we thought it might be cancer, but there’s no tumours, all the tests came back negative.’

‘So maybe it’s not in her heart, maybe it’s in her-‘

‘Pancreas.’ I whined. ‘Of course it is, I’m such an idiot.’

‘How can cardiac arrest be something to do with the pancreas?’ My mum asked, breaking us out of the rhythm.

‘It’s… a long boring explanation,’ I shook my head. ‘The point is, we need to get a closer look at her pancreas and I need Chase to open her up.’

‘You’re leaving?’

‘Caroline, they’re doctors, let them do their job.’

‘No, this is ridiculous, there aren’t any other doctors at your hospital?’

‘None as good as your daughter.’ House said, diplomatically. My parents were quiet. ‘She’s the best cardiologist we’ve ever had and I wouldn’t want anyone else treating my patients.’

My dad looked proud, but my mum was still a little annoyed.

‘I’m sorry, but we have to go.’ I told my dad in the hopes that he could convince my mum and before I knew it we were driving back to the hospital in a taxi.

We managed to get Mrs Carter sorted and the problem was finally found in order to be fixed.

‘Thank you.’ I said once the viewing gallery was empty and Mrs Carter was being operated on. ‘And I’m sorry my mum kept asking you all those questions.’

‘It’s okay,’ House shook his head. ‘I’m sure she was just concerned. Your dad seems nice.’

‘My dad is a tolerater, he puts up with my mum and her crazy ways.’ I sighed sitting next to him. ‘She’s been like this ever since I was first deployed to Afghanistan. Couldn’t stand the thought of me getting hurt, but I couldn’t stand the thought of others getting hurt, my dad talked her around and she eventually stopped getting annoyed about it.’

I could tell House was thinking about what I’d said. ‘You put up with me.’ He said. ‘Maybe you inherited your dads patience.’

I smiled, looking at him. ‘Maybe I did.’ I said. ‘Thank you for coming to dinner, you really didn’t need to.’

‘It made you happy, didn’t affect me at all, your dad seems accepting of us and hopefully your mom will go the same way.’ He shrugged.

‘Here’s hoping.’ I really did hope.

If you liked this, please consider supporting me ☕ thanks for reading!

#greg house #greg house x reader #greg house x original female character #greg house fic #house md

[camrynsthoughts]

snippet: basically a whole lot of daddy issues.

If myself as a child knew the people who were no longer in her life anymore, she’d have a lot of questions. I came across a photo of me from a family vacation last night. It was dated December 24th, 2008. I was eight years old and I was surrounded by my family; My mom, dad, aunt, cousin, grandma and grandpa. I remember so vividly all of my family sitting in the living room area of the resort condo that Christmas Eve. We had that small Charlie Brown Christmas tree instead of a big, traditional tree that year. I was so excited to wake up the next morning, open presents, and be surrounded by those that I loved. If only eight year old Camryn knew..

If eight year old Camryn knew that majority of those people were strangers to her now, I don’t even want to know what she would think. I probably would’ve acted un-phased because, well, that’s what I ended up doing once each person left my life one by one. I acted like I could care less. But growing up, that was far from the truth. 

If eight year old Camryn knew her whole life was going to flip upside down just a year after that vacation, she would be semi shocked. I mean, her dad has left before. So it wouldn’t be totally shocking. But he always ended up coming back home, eventually. If eight year old Camryn knew the last time he left he’d never be back, I wonder if she would’ve answered his calls. I can’t help but wonder if things would’ve went differently between my dad and I’s relationship. If eight year old Camryn knew that those following years when ten and eleven years old that she’d be dodging her dad’s phone calls to speak to her, she wouldn’t understand why. What she wouldn’t know is he was going to leave without saying a single word. And it remained that way for a whole year. 

If eight year old Camryn knew she was going to go from being “daddy’s girl” to only having her mom in the picture as her caretaker, she’d probably feel weird... It’s sad because before the age of eight, I have no core memories with my mom. I really was conjoined at the hip with my dad. I could list several core childhood memories with my dad still to this day, but absolutely none with my mom. I hope that eight year old Camryn had core memories with her mom as well, and not just her dad. I hope growing up has just made me forget those core memories with her and that I only remember the ones with my dad because he isn’t here anymore..

If eight year old Camryn knew that the last time she saw her dad was that next year, right before Christmas, she wouldn’t understand what exactly changed in that year span. How could that happen when we were all together as a family, happily enjoying the holiday together? What I didn’t know is that behind the scenes, there were problems that I’d never understand until I was older. It wasn’t just, “Dad needed to go to Canada to deal with family issues,” it was, “Dad has a drug problem and spent all of our household money on his sick, life-destroying addiction.” Eight year old Camryn didn’t know what addiction was. And I’m happy she didn’t, just yet. 

Years passed and eventually, he wasn’t a being anymore in Camryn’s child brain. Years without communication does that to a person, and the rest is history. At least I thought.

If nineteen year old Camryn knew she was going to get the most life shattering news of her life, I wonder if she would want to go back in time to make nine year old Camryn answer those phone calls. “I’m sorry to hear what happened by the way Camryn,” said my uncle to me after not seeing him for years and years. “What do you mean?” She was so confused. What could this man be even trying to reference? I mean, my uncle was around when my father left a decade ago. This wasn’t new information to him. He repeats again, “I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your dad.” There I was standing at the top of the staircase, staring down at him and my grandma side by side looking up at me. I was so lost. “What happened..?” I asked, confused as can be. “I’m sorry to hear that he passed away.” My heart dropped out of my body. I remember nineteen year old Camryn, standing at the top of that staircase, absolutely speechless trying to stutter out a word. My grandma realized I was stunned, fuck, my whole body probably went pale in that moment. “I'm sorry Cam I though you knew.. Didn’t you know?” she asked, looking up at me with this blank stare in her eyes, barely any sorrow or feelings showing on her face. I stormed into my room and absolutely lost it. I was shaking, sobbing, absolutely speechless. I finally got a hold of my mom since she was at work when this all went down. “Camryn, he didn’t die. If he did, I’d sure hope we’d know and at least have some money coming our way from that fucker.” 

If ten year old Camryn knew that one day she’d be told her father passed away a decade later after still not speaking a single word to each other, I think she would’ve sucked it up and answered his phone calls. She would’ve opened her heart and realized, this man wasn’t a stranger. He might've been then, but he wasn't before. She would’ve given him a second chance. That news, which was fake, rocked nineteen year old Camryn to her core and ten year old Camryn would've done anything to resist situation that from ever happening. 

Me, twenty two Camryn, still battles with these thoughts. She goes on with her life, pretending she never had a father because I mean fuck, it’s been fourteen years. At some point you just get so used to not having someone in your life that it’s better to continue without ever letting them back in. But sometimes she remembers that moment when she was nineteen, standing at the top at that staircase. She remembers how much of a mess she was, yet she can’t even put her finger on how exactly she felt still to this day. I mean, she was devastated but she still can’t figure out why exactly. You’re the one who didn’t let him back in. You’re the one that refused to speak to him when he called. You’re the one that’d ignore his letters and his messages over Facebook. So how dare you be upset when told he died? Wasn’t he already dead to you? 

Was he already dead to me? Eighteen year old Camryn would’ve answered yes. Twenty two year Camryn wants to still answer yes, but I really don’t think that is true. How would I have felt if that news was true? How would this change my life going forward if it actually did happen and he wasn’t alive to this day? I’d feel regret. I know I would. And I think that’s the best way I can explain how I felt in that moment staring down and my uncle and grandma relaying this unexpected “news” to me. 

I should’ve answered those calls. If I were to call him now, would he answer me? Or should I expect to be treated the way that I treated him and our now nonexistent relationship the last fourteen years? And more importantly, can I somehow find it in my heart to reach out first, before one day it may be too late? Eight year old Camryn would know this answer best, and I wish I had her help right now. She’d do a lot differently; If only she knew. 

[mindpillx]

Wrong side

Jan 21, 2023 

Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, today I am in a battle with myself and my own thoughts. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw how my face, arms, and legs are getting bigger.

I always had a struggle with food. I remember that whenever I would go on a diet it wouldn’t be healthy, and by that I don’t mean me having cheat meals because I couldn't control myself or my hunger, but I would be so cautious of the food I take that I would starve myself. From counting the calories to everything I ate and drank, that it came to a point where in my mind I thought that if I drank water it would make me fat.

I would start to get addicted to the feeling of hunger, addicted to the pain that it would give me in my stomach. That even if it made me feel weak at the same time it would make me feel strong because I knew that I wouldn't gain weight because I wasn't eating.

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be one of those girls who could eat so much but yet not gain weight. Someone who can enjoy food without having this constant guilt running through the back of their mind. To go to the mall and find an outfit that you really like and being able to get it in your size instead of having bad anxiety to go into shops to try the outfit on.

"Eat healthier" "Go to the gym" "Stop being in your bed all day" all the things I hear from people who don't understand.

Don't you think I have been trying to eat healthier? but when I do it's like my mind is programmed to just not eat because in my mind that's whats healthy. Not eating.

Going to the gym really helped me to be honest, it even helped with my mental health and if I being completely honest going to gym helped me more than paying $100 an hour to see my therapist. However, going to the gym was easy when I didn't have responsibilities and when I was still studying in Uni. I had so much free time, but now after graduating and having work I now understand why my dad seems so tired everyday when he comes home from work. I work a 9 hour shift from 9am-6pm everyday except on Sundays. Though I am just new here and there are days where I just play Tetris in the office, some days are just so draining to the point where I have a hard time driving myself home.

Being in bed all day on my day off is honestly the only thing I want to do from being tired all week. I don't want to go out, catch up with friends, go to the mall, to the movies, etc. I just want to stay in my room and watch Netflix and just be at "peace".

So yeah, today I woke up on the wrong side. A dark side.

#tw depressing thoughts #eating disoder trigger warning #anxi4ty #anxitey #depressing post #random thoughts #rambling rant #my rants #food #struggle #new post #first post #new to tumblr

[britswriting]

Unbroken (32)

Unbroken Masterlist

Read on Wattpad 

*

THIS CHAPTER IS 16+! If you are under 16, read with caution!

Trigger Warning: Talk of Addiction, drug use, remembrance of abuse and suicidal thoughts

This whole chapter is about Leighton hitting one year sober, keep that in mind for your own personal triggers with recovery!

There is A LOT of drug talk in these! Please use your own judgment when reading!

*Leighton's POV*

Waking up and seeing the date on my phone that read July 13th 2020, felt surreal.

I was officially one year sober.

God that feels weird.

The first thing I did this morning was take a screenshot of my 12 steps app showing that I was one year, and then I clicked the text from Aaliyah that read

HAPPY ONE YEAR BITCH! YOU FUCKING DID IT! I'M SO PROUD!

Causing me to smile.

I did it.

I accomplished something that felt so out of reach.

I got out of bed, and I was hit with a huge wave of Deja Vu.

I walked to my bathroom, memories of me this very morning a year earlier playing around in my psyche.

I was high.

I was higher than high.

I remember inhaling the weed and whatever else was mixed in it that night, walking out the door to head towards my job.

Stephen told me to have a good day and to be safe...

I walked into work and went through the motions, before it was time to check out and I was going to head over to my friend Haden's house.

When I arrived at Haden's house, there were a bunch of people there doing all sorts of drugs. Shooting, snorting, crushing...

"Hey Leigh! What can I get you?" Amber asked, holding a bong in her hand.

"Um... whatever"

"We got coke? Want some?" She asked and I felt myself hesitate for a moment, until I remembered everything happening at home.

They kicked me out.

They don't care about me, or what I'm doing.

"Um, sure" I followed her over towards the table and they had a few lines of coke ready.

I watched one of my friends snort it before it was my turn.

I felt nervous.

Nervous, because I have never done anything like this.

I always inhaled it.

You earned this.

You deserve this.

It's worth it.

Worth the high, worth the feeling of being numb.

Do it.

I leaned down and I snorted the cocaine

I stepped into the shower, the warm water washing away the horrible memories.

That was until I closed my eyes...

"It's just a little wine Leigh, c'mon!" Haden egged on, but I shook my head, feeling my phone buzz.

xxx-xxx-xxx Meet me behind the trailer park at 2

Ok

"Fine, at least do another hit with us!" He encouraged me and I agreed, taking the rolled up concoction between my fingertips, taking a deep inhale.

The second I opened my eyes, I felt my hands shaking, my body was almost itching...

I missed it.

More and more flashbacks played in my head of my friends and I doing drugs, and drinking.. Gabriel getting mad at me, my dad getting mad at me..

Before I knew it, I was screaming and crying in the shower, hitting my fist on the wall as his words echoed throughout my head "IT WAS ALWAYS JUST ONE LAST TIME WITH YOU!", "I DON'T KNOW WHO MY LITTLE GIRL HAS BECAME!" "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOTHER! TO ME! TO YOURSELF!"

"I'M TIRED OF THIS LEIGHTON! YOU SAID YOU'D QUIT, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? SNEAKING IT? REALLY?! FUCKING REALLY LEIGH?!" Gabriel screamed, holding the small little baggy between his fingertips as I stuttered.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I NEED IT!" I screamed, trying to snatch the bag back, and he shook his head, tightening his grasp on the bag.

"YOU SAID YOU'D STOP! YOU'D GET HELP! THE ONLY FUCKING REASON I'M STILL HERE IS BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME YOU'D CHANGE!"

"I AM CHANGING! I JUST.. I NEED IT, OKAY?! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"YOU'RE RIGHT! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!"

"FUCK OFF AND GIVE ME MY FUCKING BAG!"

"NO!" He yelled, and he quickly rushed towards the bathroom, myself hot on his heels.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE! I PAID FOR THAT! IT'S MINE!" I yelled, watching him walk over towards the toilet.

"WELL NOW WE'RE BOTH FUCKING PAYING FOR IT, GET HELP!" He screamed at me and the second he poured it into the toilet and flushed, something inside of me snapped.

The next thing I knew, my hand was wrapped around his throat as I shoved him up against the wall.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO! THAT WAS MINE!" I growled and he shoved me off of him, gasping for air.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Everything else was a blur...

The bathroom door sprung open, Colby running into the room in a sheer panic.

"What's wrong?! Are you okay? Is the baby okay?! Why are you yelling! Why are you crying?" He quickly asked, myself sat on the shower floor as I was curled in a ball, rocking.

"Leighton, what's wrong? Talk to me, please!" He begged and I just stayed silent, picturing the fear in my boyfriends eyes as I pressed against his airway.

I remember the feeling of rage, hurt, and disbelief... I wanted to kill him.

I wanted the satisfaction of seeing him slip beneath my fingertips and crumble against the wall, his head falling to the side as he fell unconscious...

I wanted him to physically feel how I emotionally felt...

"I'M FUCKING SORRY!" I cried, screaming as another memory popped into my head.

I looked up, my vision completely blurred from my tears, but all I saw was this black mass coming closer.

All of a sudden I felt arms wrap around my frame, holding me tight against their chest.

"Shh" He soothed, and I just cried against his soaking wet t-shirt, clinging onto him like my life depended on it.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried, feeling his palms rub against my back, after moving my hair out of the way.

I  don't know how long I sat there crying and shaking, but I slowly backed away from him, our eyes connecting for the first time and then it hit me..

I was naked.

I quickly shoved him off of me, pushing myself back against the shower wall, covering myself up the best I could.

"OUT! GET OUT! NOW! OUT!" I screamed, Colby's stunned face speaking volumes as he got out of my shower, turning his back to me before asking "What just happened?"

"OUT OF THE BATHROOM!" I yelled, ignoring his words until he left.

I got out of the shower, staring at myself in the mirror.

My face was bright red, my throat was sore and my chest was rapidly moving as I tried to breathe.

I quickly got on my work uniform, walking past Colby in the hallway, heading towards the stairs, when I felt him grab my arm.

"We need to talk! What the hell just happened?" He asked and I shook him off of me, quickly walking down the stairs.

"Morning Leigh!" Jake called out and I just waved, walking towards the door so I wouldn't be late.

My shift today was from 9:30 to 3pm and then I had the rest of the day free.

I had never wanted to get further away from Colby than I had this very second.

I took the car ride to work to calm down, drinking some water and taking my iron medication.

I rested my hands on my bump, a strange feeling of dread and regret washing over me.

"I'm sorry baby" I spoke softly, rubbing my bump.

I hated that I was pregnant today, because there was no way in hell I was going to be able to stay calm all day. Especially with all the flashbacks my brain decided it was going to show me.

All day throughout work, I would get these horrible reelections.

I remember waking up in my cell, and making the bed, getting it inspected before going to breakfast.

I remember standing in the cold hallways, lined up as we headed towards the chow hall.

It was like every hour that passed, I was reminded of what I was doing every moment of every second a year ago.

From trying coke for the first time, to my parents finding out, to Gabriel and I fighting... I was reliving my worst memories on what was supposed to be my best day.

It didn't make any sense.

After work, I head straight over to my sponsor's house to get my one year chip before going to an NA meeting, wanting to sit in on one just like I had a couple days after I had gotten to Aaliyah's.

I wanted a memory of sitting in one, clean, sober and a whole year later.

I didn't want the sob story. I didn't want the memories of me struggling to be the last ones this place held.

I wanted redemption.

I walked in and the host of the meeting hugged me, thanking me for coming before I took a seat by myself.

I glanced around the room, seeing all sorts of unfamiliar faces.

I crossed one leg over the other, bouncing my foot a little as I waited for the meeting to begin, when I heard "is this seat taken?" causing me to quickly turn to my right.

Colby Brock.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed in a low tone, not sure how I felt about having him be somewhere so personal to me.

"Aaliyah told me you'd be here. She wanted to come, but she got held up at work, and River needed her after.. so here I am" He grinned. "So.. is this seat taken?" He tried again and I just shook my head, letting him sit down next to me.

"So are we going to talk about what happened this morning?" He asked and I glared at him.

"Not here. Not now."

"Okay" He said slowly, glancing away from me.

I listened to the man in front of us start his welcome speech. Welcoming the new comers, and the returners.

"Hello, I am an addict and my name is Mark. Welcome to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I would like to open this meeting with a moment of silence for the addicts who are still suffering" He spoke, the room was dead silent. He went through the motions that I knew like the back of my hand. "I'd just like to give a friendly reminder that applies to everyone who has walked through these doors. Drugs and paraphernalia are not allowed on these premises during these meetings. If you are carrying anything, please leave it outside, and you can come back in. No one will judge you, or stare. We have all been there. That's why we are all here. Now that I have that done with, Is there anyone here attending their first NA meeting?" He asked a few people to raise their hands. "Welcome! I'm glad you could make it! It's very exciting to be at your first meeting. It is something you will remember forever, and I'm happy to be a part of your journey! Attending NA meetings are completely free, and you're a member when you decide you want to be. You don't need to be a week sober, a month sober or even a year... just being here, and wanting to take this step means a lot. If you've used today, please listen to what we talk about, and maybe consider talking to the members beside you today. Is anyone willing to read the "Who is an addict" reading?" He asked and a few of us raised our hands.

He picked some girl in the front and handed her a piece of paper.

"Who is an addict? Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death." She read off and he nodded.

"I am going to hand out a questionnaire and some pens. No one will see this paper but you. Fill it out as honestly as you can" he said, handing out a sheet of paper, giving us each a pen.

I looked at the paper and it read "Are you an addict?" with a bunch of checkboxes filling it.

He gave one to Colby who shook his head. "I'm not an addict-" he said, but Mark wasn't having it.

"You're welcome to fill it out as well" He nodded at Colby, myself taking the piece of paper.

"This is weird" Colby whispered and I glared at him.

"Shut up or get out"

"I didn't mean it in a bad way. I mean it like.. it's unfamiliar.. I've never been in anything like this"

"Answer the questions Colby"

"But I'm not a drug addict" He muttered and I rolled my eyes.

"Answer them for alcohol then"

1: Do you ever use alone?

I used to, check.

2: Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking one certain drug was the issue?

No

3: Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor to obtain prescription drugs?

No

4: Have you ever stolen drugs?

Yes

5: Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed?

Not anymore

I slowly went through the list, checking certain boxes and leaving others unmarked.

I couldn't help but glance over at Colby, curious to see how his was going, and to my surprise, he had some boxes checked.

I finished filling it out, putting the cap on my pen and flipping my paper over, glancing down at the floor as I waited.

After a few minutes, Mark started talking again about how most of us were finished, and that if we wanted to, we could keep the papers, or throw them away in the bin.

None of the papers had our names on it, and from my memories of these meetings, most people threw them away, but some kept them.

Colby was quiet the rest of the meeting, just listening to everyone read their papers, and talk about their life stories.

I talked a little bit about how I was a year sober, and what that journey had been like.

It was weird to be in this setting with Colby. To have him listen to me be openly vulnerable around these strangers, when just this morning I was screaming at him to get out of the bathroom.

I walked out of that meeting feeling strange, but what was really throwing me off was how Colby kept staring at his paper.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, and he stayed quiet. "We don't want to. Why didn't you just throw it away?" I asked and he sighed.

"I checked more boxes than I wanted to... am I an addict?" he asked me, surprising me.

"You're the only one who can say if you are or not. Do you think you are?" I asked and he shook his head, still staring at the paper.

"Can I see your paper?" I asked and he nodded, handing it over.

"I marked them when it came to drinking" he told me and I nodded.

Do you ever use alone?

Check

Have you ever stolen or stolen to obtain prescription drugs?

Check

Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another?

Check

Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was or what it would do to you?

Check

Have you lied about how much you've used?

Check

Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your finances?

Check?

Have you ever thought you couldn't fit in or have a good time without drugs?

Check

Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress?

Check

Do you continue to use despite negative consequences?

Check

Colby marked 9 out of 29 questions.

"Why do you think you have an alcohol problem? Did you think this before attending the meeting?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Colby, my personal opinion is that you are not an addict. You drink to have fun, not to feel numb"

"But... I checked 9 of the boxes Leigh.."

"If you're really concerned about it, take a break. Try saying no. Drinking something else instead, during a party. If there is anything I learned, you don't need things to make it better" I told him truthfully and he nodded.

"I think I'm going to try, because checking even one box was scary, let alone nine"

"Do you want to know why I don't think you're an addict?" I asked him and he nodded.

I handed him my paper and his eyes widened.

"Because our papers don't match. I didn't use drugs to have fun with friends at parties. I used them to numb the feelings I felt of my mom having cancer, of dealing with High School bullshit and everything that came along with being a teenager. You drink sometimes for videos and to have fun. We aren't the same"

"Can I ask you a personal question?" He asked and I nodded.

"Why didn't you ever drink?"

I sighed, looking the other way, biting my lower lip.

"You don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have asked"

"No, it's okay. I knew alcoholics ran in the family. Especially being Italian, and Irish... my family started drinking early... so if you had it.. you had it young, it always scared me. The thought of being addicted to something. Dependent on something. Hold your snicker, I get it. J know. I just... I thought drugs would be different. I don't know why... I just... I wanted a momentary release... and weed did that. It made me relaxed, and it honestly did help me focus on my studies and calm me down when my mom had chemo.. it wasn't really weed I'm addicted to.. it's when I pushed the boundaries, that I fucked up"

"Why were you screaming in the bathroom?" He asked quietly and I sighed, leaning my head against the headrest of my seat.

"Some things hurt Colby. Being a recovering addict isn't easy. I always thought my first year sober would be exciting... but all I'm getting is horrendous flashbacks of my mistakes. I hurt him, Colby. I should've never put my hands on him like that... but I was just so mad.. and desperate. He flushed my lifeline. Addiction isn't a simple snap of the finger fix.. I will forever be a recovering drug addict.. and it sucks" I admitted, breathing shakily.

"Hurt who?" He pressed and I shook my head.

"I understand you want to piece the puzzle together... but I'm not your jigsaw to solve"

"You said you expected today to be different.... different how?" Colby asked and I smiled softly.

"I wanted it to be filled with happy memories..."

"Meet me back at the house?" He asked and I gave him a weird look, but nodded and he climbed out of my car, walking towards his own.

~ "What are we doing?" I laughed and he smiled, opening my car door.

"Turning your day around! Is there anything else you really wanted to do today besides your NA meeting? It's already 7" he said and I shrugged.

"I need to at some point this week pick up my sobriety chip, but other than that, no"

"Okay, well, after you, m'lady" he opened the door for me and I smiled, thanking him.

We walked into a pretty pastel bakery.

"What are we doing here?" I asked and he just grinned, ignoring me.

"Hello, what can I get you guys?" A younger looking woman asked and Colby glanced over at me.

"Anything you want Leigh?" He asked me and I took a moment to scan the options, and then I heard "I'm here to pick up an order under Colby Brock?"

"What did you buy?" I asked him and he motioned that his lips were sealed, causing me to roll my eyes.

The women came back with a white box that was sealed, the bakery logo on the side.

I ended up getting some fudge and Colby got a piece of their cheesecake before we sat down at a table.

"My bump isn't allowed to get bigger" I grumbled, feeling it rest against the table.

"Your bump isn't even that big" he laughed and I groaned.

"That's my point! Anyway, what's in the box?" I asked, but he refused to tell me.

"Can I try your cheesecake?"  Asked and he nodded, sliding the plate over.

He got a maple cheesecake, and it was mouth watering good.

"Mmm" I moaned, a smile finding its way on my rosier cheeks. "I'll always be a cheesecake girl" I chuckled and he laughed. "Want to try my fudge?" I asked and Colby shook his head.

We talked a little bit about my experience with recovery. The good and the bad days, and we even compared our jail experiences which made me laugh.

"So why didn't you take today off from work?" He asked and I shrugged, digging back into his cheesecake.

"One, I need the money, and two, and I wanted to treat today like any other day"

"But it isn't any other day Leighton"

"Trust me Colby, I know that now" I laughed, remembering this morning's flashbacks.

We finished back up at the bakery and Colby and I listened to the radio for a little while before we arrived at the beach closest to our house.

"Come on slowpoke!" He called out as he climbed out of the car.

"Shut up, I have a bump in my way" I muttered, using the car door to help me get out of his low car.

"What are we doing at the beach anyway?" I asked, Colby holding the same box from the bakery in his hands.

"You ask a lot of questions" he chuckled and I glared

"I'm tired and pregnant"

"So I've heard" he laughed again, and if it wasn't for him holding the bakery goodies, I would've smacked him.

We stopped at the ocean, taking a seat far enough away so we wouldn't get wet.

I got flashbacks to the fourth of July, and being with Silas.

I shook away the memory and Colby cleared his throat, catching my attention.

"So I uh.. I didn't exactly have a lot of time to prepare.. but I uh.. had this made" he told me, opening the cardboard box.

My eyes widened as I looked down at the cupcake.

There was a sobriety symbol on it, and laid next to it was a number one candle.

"Oh my god" I whispered. "Colby... you didn't have to do this" I spoke softly, blinking away some tears.

"You deserve to be celebrated, Leighton. Even if it's something small... it's still a big accomplishment" he told me and I couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face as I leapt over to hug him.

"Thank you" I whispered, holding him tight.

"Well... I say we light the candle so we can try their cupcakes" he smiled and I nodded, Colby pulling out a lighter.

He placed the number one candle on the cupcake before lighting it. "Here, hold it real quick" he told me, handing me the cupcake as he pulled out his phone.

It was a minute before he said "Happy one year Leignton Rae", myself blowing out the candle as he had his phone pointed at me.

"What did you wish for?" He asked and I shook my head, grinning.

"That's between me and the 11:11 Gods" I teased, Colby shaking his head, grinning.

We split the cupcake in two, and my eyes widened when I saw the filling.

"How did you know?!" I spoke loudly, the vanilla bean filling falling out of the center.

"I had Aaliyah on speed dial" he laughed and I grinned, taking a bite of my favorite cupcake.

It was nice to just sit on the beach for a while, listening to the waves and watching some people swim and run.

Colby and I took a couple photos together and separately. He ended up posting one of the sunset photos I took of him to his Instagram story before we sat back down, working on building a sandcastle.

"Thank you for today" I said out of nowhere, molding more of the castle walls with my fingers.

"It was no problem. I'm glad I got to spend today with you. I actually have one more thing, let me go wash my hands real quick" he said, standing up and walking towards the ocean to wipe the sand off.

When Colby sat down in front of me again, he pulled something out of his pocket and my eyes followed his hands with wonder.

"It was short notice... but I was able to get this made... I hope you like it" he said, handing me the small jewelry box.

"You're not proposing right?" I asked and he smirked, shaking his head.

I opened the jewelry box and gasped.

Immediately my eyes filled with tears yet again, staring at the perfection in front of me.

It was the sobriety symbol. A circle with a triangle in the middle. The necklace was small and dainty, which I loved. It was silver, another thing I loved, and the triangle in the middle had small little dainty diamonds along it.

"Turn it over" Colby said, and I followed his directions and felt the tears roll down my cheeks.

"Colby" I whispered, wiping at my cheeks as I read the words' "progression not perfection" engraved on the back of the circle.

I carefully placed it back down in the back, reaching over to hug him again.

"Thank you" I whispered, turning awkwardly so my bump wasn't crushed.

"You're welcome" He told me and I awkwardly sat back down, making him laugh.

"Just because I'm pregnant, doesn't mean I'm your comedic relief for the day" He muttered, picking up the necklace again. "Can you put it on?" I asked and he nodded.

I let the necklace fall under my shirt, smiling to myself as I felt it rest against my skin.

"How do you do that?" I asked, Colby giving me a funny look.

"Do what?"

"Know just what to do all of the time"

"What do you mean?"

"Like.. with my panic attack.. you calmed me down. You bought me the ring for my anxiety... which I wear daily now... and now this necklace..."

"I don't. I guess it comes easy when it comes to you" He shrugged and I felt my cheeks redden.

"I just want you to know that this means a lot. A year ago today, I walked out of a police station with just the clothes on my back, wondering if I'd ever talk to my dad again... and now I have a necklace hanging around my neck from someone I met only a few months ago... makes me feel grateful. Things really do work out in their own funky ways" I giggled, letting my fingertips play with the anxiety ring Colby had given me from my birthday.

"I really like the quote" I announced quietly, the words progression not perfect repeating in my head.

"I liked it to" Is all he said, looking out towards the ocean that was washing up on the shore.

We sat on the beach for a while, talking about their upcoming paranormal trip, my pregnancy and how I'm handling Logan being gone.

"Do you know when he comes back?" Colby questioned, drawing in the now wet sand.

"Um.. I think the training is 10 weeks? So sometime in August? Unless he gets sent out right away? I'm not sure, cause like.. he's never gone back, ya know? Like... he's gone to training, came home, gone on a mission, came back.. he's never returned. It sucks knowing he missed my twenty first birthday, and my one year sobriety. Like even if he didn't know.. it would've been nice to at least see him"

"Where was Logan when your dad kicked you out?" Colby asked, catching me off guard.

"Um.. he was freshly married to Cynthia. I don't know. I don't remember. Some things are foggy... He's never yelled at me.. but everyone hated it. I hid it for about a year.. and he was the first one who found out. By then I had already experimented with some stuff..."

"Why did you do it?" Colby asked and I scrunched my face up.

"What do you mean?"

"What made you turn to drugs?"

"Um.. well that's a tough question. I hate saying my mom, cause I don't want to put the blame on her, ya know? But... I was scared. I was stressed... There were a lot of emotions when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I also had some relationship problems.. and job issues.. There was just a lot going on. My friend... ex-friend, Haden.. gave me weed for the first time. Telling me how it would take that stress feeling away. How I'd be back to who I used to be.. and he was right. He was right that it would make me feel numb and just kinda like I'm existing.. not living. So I kept doing it. But things got scarier, and harder, and the feeling got worse... and I uh.. got it laced once.. and that was kinda it.. really" I spoke slowly, memories flashing in my head as I spoke.

"Why did you get it laced?"

"I wanted something more. Something different."

"So you chose to get it laced?" He asked and I nodded slowly.

"I got it laced with Ketamine... don't do it. I shouldn't have done it. He just.. he said it would make me happy.. ya know? I just.. I wanted to forget, and feel fine again..."

"What is that?" he asked and I sighed, playing with the sand in front of me, feeling it slip between my fingers.

"It's kinda known as a date rape drug? Cause they slip it into drinks, and it sedates people... it's a white powder like cocaine..." I explained and he nodded slowly.

"What were you caught with?" He asked and I frowned, remembering getting stopped by the police, and being questioned...

I still remember the panic, and the fear that I felt.

"Um, I know I had Ketamine. I had something else, but I don't remember. It was for a friend" I told him truthfully.

It felt weird to be honest. To sit here, and tell someone who at one point hated me.. to tell him facts and information no one else knows...

"You said you tried cocaine?" He asked and I nodded, my head hung low.

"I rather not talk about it, but I'm willing to answer questions I guess"

"I guess I just don't get it.. sorry" He apologized and I shrugged.

"No one does, to be honest. You don't understand it, unless you've done it. Unless you've been through the motions, and know the reasons. I do wish I didn't do it, and just went to therapy instead. I ended up going to therapy instead in the long run anyway so" I shrugged again.

"Why don't you still go?" He asked and I pursed my lips, molding some of the clay in my hands.

"Money" I told him truthfully and he nodded slowly.

"That isn't me asking for it by the way!" I reminded him and he nodded, understanding.

It was weird to see him be so quiet today. So in his head, and playing with his own thoughts.

"Is there a reason you're being quiet? Did I say something wrong?" I asked, afraid of the silence.

Colby shook his head, almost looking like he was trying to figure out how he was going to piece his words together.

"I guess I'm just... never mind"

"No, tell me. I just told you a hell of a lot about me, spill" I chuckled, spinning the ring as I waited.

"I feel bad" He confessed, confusing and surprising me.

"Why?"

"I just.. I judged you so hard. You walked into our house.. and I decided you were the villain" He shrugged, almost seeming to be beating himself up over the past.

"Maybe I am the villain" I joked and he rolled his eyes.

"You're not the villain, and I'm sorry. I truly mean that. I'm sorry for the issues I caused you.. and the things I put you through. I guess.. I don't know. I just can't shake how bad I feel about it" I grumbled, appearing more upset at himself.

"Good, you should feel bad" I joked and he yet again, rolled his eyes at me.

"You're really good at these talks" He mocked and I grinned.

"Thank you. I try. In all seriousness, we said we were going to let the past go, remember?"

"I know. I'm annoyed that you're turning out to be a good person. It was a lot easier to blame you for my problems" He smirked and I shook my head, letting out a small laugh.

"It's always easier to play the victim or the villain and be blind to the equality brought to the table" I gave him a small smile and he nodded, staring out into the beach.

"We should start heading back, I have work in the morning, and you have a video meeting with Sam" I mumbled, seeing the sun had now set. "Can you help me up please?" I asked and he nodded, grabbing my hands to pull me up.

The drive home was quiet, and before we went to our rooms I quickly said "Don't tell anyone about today" before closing my bedroom door and finding my baby journal.

* * * *

Written on: April 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th, 27th 2022

Word Count: 5.4k

Part Thirty Three

#colbybrock #samgolbach #samandcolby #colbybrockimagine #colbybrockfanfiction

[virtualdespairr]

Lil bit of a long post below :p read at your own risk pls

Today is the one yr of my dad passing away. (Technically it was yesterday lol. Today was just the day he got taken off the machines). I’m trying to get some work done for my thesis but it feels a little harder than normal.

Honestly, I’m really proud of myself for how I’ve been handling it. Grief is difficult and not without its hardships (no duh), but I pushed through a whole year of school and got really good grades & made the best friends. I’m understanding a little bit more abt the process everyday. I still find myself feeling really angry about him and the way he treated me throughout my life; having so many unanswered questions and things I wished I could’ve said. I remember he told me once: “I never want to have a serious conversation with you for as long as I live.” And he really did die by those words—at least he was honest!

I’ve found some new ways to cope and felt much less guilty about the old ones (iykyk). I’m taking better care of myself. I’m getting out more and not trying to shut myself in as much as I have been. My dad wasn’t even around regularly throughout my life, so it really doesn’t feel like he’s been gone at all—he’s just disappeared and will call me whenever he feels like it. The way it all ended was just so abrupt, but I guess that’s the nature of having a stroke.

I’ll never forget how he smelled like expensive cologne when he couldn’t even pay child support. How he loved National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and every Hugh Grant movie ever made. The way his hugs (though few & far between) could make you feel like you were the only thing he ever cared about. I do miss him & his stupid full belly laughs, don’t get me wrong; but he was an addict and the fact of the matter was that he’d always love alcohol more than me or my sibling.

I guess if you take one thing away from this is don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve, how to cope. Don’t let grief blind you from the truth of how someone lived—my older family members try to tell me what a great person he was, how much he loved me, and I always like to remind them right back that you can’t sanctify someone just because they’re gone. He wasn’t a martyr, he was a deadbeat alcoholic on his third wife looking for a fresh start: thank god the haemorrhage taught him that if he wasn’t a good dad the first time around, he sure as hell wouldn’t be any better the next try.

I’m grateful to be alive and make better choices than he ever did. I’m grateful that I learned so much from his absence. I’m grateful that every day is a new opportunity to heal. He brought me so much sadness even while he was alive, and I won’t give him that power over me any longer.

If you have a good father figure in your life, please hold them a little tighter for me today. I’ll get back to drawing soon, lovies. Sorry the semester’s been so crazy already!

Thanks for reading xoxo

#tw grief #tw death #tw alchoholism #personal post #just some thoughts for the 1yr of my dads passing

[mattysmind19]

Your friendly Lisztomaniac

Hi, my name is Matty, and I am a lisztomaniac. This may sound scary but before you run off all it means is I listen to music all the time. Yes, all the time. I fall asleep to music, I listen to it during my morning routine, on the way to work, walking into work, sometimes while working at least when not helping people, while I work out, while I make dinner. When I say all the time it really is all the time! This title is one I am proud of, and I can think of so many friend ships and relationships that are stronger because of the overlapping passion and need to listen to music all the time. I have loved music since as long as I can remember. I partly blame my parents for this love/ addiction, growing up my mom played the piano and we listed to a lot of music from the 80’s and my dad played mainly Motown and oldies. I didn’t realize this back then, but this would form my love for music and shape my ear and create my baseline for finding music on my own. As I grew through the years, I found Rap/ Hip Hop to be my personal favorite, but I always found my way back to music from the 80’ and Motown. One of my favorite connections is how one of my favorite rappers is Mac Miller and his music is very jazz influenced similar sounds to a lot of the music my dad played. I was finding music that was brand new to me but as I learned more it made perfect sense as to while I gravitated to it in the first place.

When you read through all my post there are a specific few that connect to my love for music and they are my second post titled “My Old Man”, “Module 7 Plotting”, and finally “Your Musical theme.”

Starting with “My Old Man” this post is probably my favorite one that I have every written and one that makes me quite emotional to think about. This post highlights a very special relationship I have with my dad and how we have mutual love for music. Like I shared earlier I really believe that because of him playing all the music he did growing up and how he’d play it morning, noon, and night makes us two peas in a pod and this song by Mac Demarco really embodies that to me. I’m not sure how’d he taking being called this but we both are lisztomaniacs.

Second is “Module 7 Plotting” in this post I mention the need to find the right playlist to listen to while I do chores around the house, a task I spend too much time on before doing the actual chore. But for me it helps me enjoy the activity that much more. I also find music can help me concentrate and really get into the zone. There are multiple moments at my work when it is okay to really focus and listen to music and these are some of my favorite moments. It makes me happy but also, I am incredibly productive. Even with this class I did the same thing every time I’d do homework or study. I would open my laptop and pull up everything for class and on my iPad, I would pull up the “Lo-fi Girl” on YouTube. If you know about it, you understand why I do this if you don’t, please do yourself a favor and check it out its perfect.

Lastly, “Your Musical Theme” what a dream of an assignment to do for me. You’d think for someone like me this assignment was a breeze, but it was a little challenging because there were so many songs and to narrow it down to 5 was hard for me. However, I enjoyed this assignment so much because I could share some music that I love with someone that maybe hasn’t heard these songs. Music has always blown me away in that way I don’t think I could ever get to a point where I have listened to it all, but it is just the best when a friend says “hey canI show you this song” and then it’s all you want to listen to for a week and then you associate that song with that friendship. To me there is nothing better.

In conclusion, I hope you now understand me and my condition one that I appreciate and am proud of because all the joy it has brought to my life. My name is Matty, and I am a lisztomaniac.

[im-not-using-a-main-for-this]

Tw: arrests, drug usage mentions, me cyber stalking people, guns, verbal abuse

I’m having some issues again with not tracking down my uncle

I can now reliably find him on most things

Not that I can actually get access to the information, most that shit is behind pay walls

Probably for the best

Honestly I thought I was over this, but then I saw some post from someone talking about how they wish they didn’t look like their dad and that somehow got me thinking about what my uncle looks like

I can’t remember

I tried finding his Facebook or something but no luck

I can find my grandmas but I don’t have a Facebook account so I can’t see if she follows him

So fucking stupid, I’m never going to contact him but I wish the damn information was easier to get

Y’know I never got to know the true extent of what he got charged with

Probably the basic drug charges, not sure if he got reported for anything else

He got arrested so many times

I could probably find out if I actually paid

Or just asked my parents, I could probably secure a photo of him if I asked too

But then I’d have to explain

I’d get like a private investigator once I turned 18 if I thought it wouldn’t put them in harms way but uh

I don’t exactly know how my uncles doing

Last I knew of his position was he stole some guns from my grandpa and was still on drugs

Last I knew of his actual location?

Scarily close to my prior residence

Honestly one of the perks of moving across the country

I don’t have to worry about walking into the grocery store and seeing my horribly unstable possibly still addicted uncle who screamed at a scared 5 year old because of something I can’t remember

I’m being kinda harsh honestly

I understand he’s not his addiction, I’ve talked at lengths about how drugs should be legalized and about how harm reduction is one of the best methods

Thanks mom

But I can’t think of him without remembering cowering behind a bed while he screamed at me

Or the room he turned into a greenhouse for his pot, no problem with pot my dad’s a smoker too, but that room was fucking scary

Or when he trashed my grandparents house and stole their car and dad has to go and get it back

Or when we learned he’d stolen guns

I lived in fear of seeing him one day

He most likely wouldn’t recognize me anyways but still

I mean he wouldn’t unless my grandma had shown him photos

[afracturedstory]

It’s been a long time since I visited these halls. I felt something deep inside me, calling out, to come back and write down my story. I’ve never been one for words, I’m a reader, not a writer - but I need to get some things out of my head and into the world. These feelings just won’t go away and I’m hoping that this will somehow fix something in me. I keep having these weird breakdowns. I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going. I have student debt and nothing to show for it. No career, no connections, no practical skills, no want, no desire, no motivation, no job, no money, no life. 

I don’t remember much of my childhood. I think my brain found one coping mechanism - repression - and it stuck with it. I remember bits and pieces when I hear other people mention certain things. They’ll talk about a time they walked to school, and I’ll remember the time I tried to do the same, at 5 years old, and my father rolled up beside me in the car, the most panicked I have ever seen on his somber face. He simply said “get in” and I did. I was so terribly confused. I was just walking to school. My older brother was allowed to walk to school alone and I wanted to as well. I knew the way, so I just put on my backpack, my shoes, and started walking to school. When we arrived back at home, the entire neighbourhood was out looking for me. Or at least it seemed that way. A few neighbours from across and down the street were outside, which I remember being quite odd. That many people were never outside at the same time. 

That is probably my most vivid memory, and one of the only, I have from being a child. Others are simply glimpses of a friend’s big, fluffy orange cat, eating cold KD with ketchup for lunch because I liked it that way, or watching a friend play Halo while her dad was out (I had no idea what Halo was at that time). I moved around so much that I think my brain repressed a lot of things. Not trauma, but traumatic for my innocent little mind. A lot went on in my early life that I could not comprehend at the time. And then, suddenly, I woke up. We moved to a new city, not for the first time, but for the first time to a new province. We didn’t know anybody. I started at a new school. I made a friend simply for being a “smart kid” and so my friend was the other “smart kid”. A year later, she introduced me to a girl who I believe, to this day, was my soulmate. Though she did not feel the same way about me. She was a free spirit, independent; the same things people told me I was, but we were far from the same. 

Looking back, she taught me everything I needed to know about the world. She took an innocent, scared child and made me into someone who understands mental illness, addiction, why people act the way they do, she taught me that I could do whatever I wanted, skip school, shoplift, tell people how I really felt about them (good or bad). It’s strange to have been so deeply influenced by a person who seemingly had no interest in me for the majority of the decade that we were friends. She absolutely broke my heart when she said that we had only really been friends for two or three years. And then cut further the more she told me what she thought of me. I already knew those things about myself, I didn’t need my soulmate telling me those things. I lashed out, as I do, and eventually, after months of telling her to fuck off with her drunken calls, I finally was rid of her. The girl who shaped the woman I am today. 

I’m not sure if this will turn into anything, or if it will just be ramblings from a heartbroken girl, but I’ll be using this space to share my memories, before, during, and after my time with my soulmate. Sometimes I’ll be angry, sometimes tired, sometimes sobbing as I write these words. Sometimes I’ll make no sense at all, and sometimes I’ll be searching for the sense in my experiences. Whatever happens, I hope that each time, I’ll feel a little better than before. 

#stories

[disass0ciati0n]

“I think you may still be brain washed. We weren’t raised the way we should have been”

“Idk I went through a shit ton living with you and that kinda drowned everything out”

“Lol okay. I turned out the way I did because of how my parents raised me. Whatever. I’m done. I’m close to cutting off the whole family. I am actually. I won’t hit you up again.”

“So you’re allowed to be upset about some abuse but I’m not”

“What abuse? I never fucking abused you. I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic.”

“You were so drunk you don’t remember anything.”

“Then let’s squash it. I won’t ever talk to you again. Sorry for being drunk lol”

“Do you think if you approached our father that way with your issues and he responded like that it would be appropriate? You were drunk and you took it all out on me.”

“you haven’t even told me anything I did wrong and you also think dad did nothing wrong. You want to pin all of your issues on me. You can even admit to a single thing anyone else did wrong. It’s all my fault I get it. Like I don’t almost kill myself everyday already”

“I never said he didn’t do anything I just said I don’t remember. If you really wanna know what I remember I can tell you but I don’t think you’ll be receptive to it”

“No fuck you I won’t. I’m done. I fucking hate everything. Thank you. Thank yo for giving me one more reason to wish I was dead ”

“I know you won’t and it’s fine. I’m not trying to stick up for him I’m just telling you what I remember.”

“We can stop pretending to get along and go back to you hating me and not ever trying to understand my side of anything”

“It was over a decade ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not mad about it. I haven’t been for a long time”

“Go back into your closed off world. You are so closed minded I don’t know why I even tried to talk to you”

The conversation continued and I fixed it like I always do. Took it like I always have. Cooled it like I always did. But the truth is I am still mad about it. It does still matter. And mostly because you refuse to take responsibility for anything you did. And that’s why I’ve never told you what you did. Because I know I would be attacked for it by you. Told I’m a liar or that you had good reason. I went to therapy for what you’ve done to me. I take meds for what you’ve done to me. I have diagnosed PTSD for what you’ve done. I could write a book about what you did to me. But it never happened. According to you. One day I will write out a list of everything I can remember. So that when you are ready one day I can tell you. Maybe you do remember. Maybe that’s scarier for you, knowing what you did.