#i hate my life so fucking much i am so angry how i have to have my abusive mom in my life and cry about it like im 14

[cressthebest]

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 23

chapter 40:

1. HE RETURNS THE FUCKING HAT

2. ☹️☹️ i want a dramatic pouting face. i’m so angry. reg wanted a stair seat for james in his house too, but now there’s no point. i- fhshdksjjsjdj MURDER TO RIDDLE

3. “Of course it is, because they're a great, big tragedy. That's what they are; that's what they've always been; that's all they'll ever get to be. There's no changing that now, no matter what they do, no matter how hard they try.” ☹️☹️☹️☹️🙁🙁🙁🙁 this is awful

4. they finally get each other, for sex, for kisses, of their own damn choice and will, and then in three days, one of their four family members will be back in that damn arena

5. “When Pandora arrives, she takes one look at Sirius and promptly bursts into tears.” NOOO MY BABY GIRL

6. “James had appeared at the top of the stairs, his hair a fucking mess and his shirt on inside-out, so Sirius had an idea of what he'd just walked in on even before James beamed at him and announced, "I just had sex with your brother. Four times."

He'd sounded so proud, too.”

😭😭😭 i love you so much james

7. “This morning, James had looked him dead in the eyes and said with no shame whatsoever, "I'm going to go spend all day having sex with your brother and pretending that everything isn't shit. We'll see you later, yeah?"

To that, Sirius could only sigh and reply, "Yeah."”

😭😭😭 i love james so much

8. “There's a beat, and then—the irony. Because of course. Not just once, not twice, but three fucking times, like he's fucking destined for it. He'd laugh, if he could breathe.

"Regulus Black."”

i am once again holding back tears on public transportation. i’m so angry

9. “Sirius hears his little brother's name, and he's sixteen again.”

i’m no longer holding back tears. i am fully crying

10. and once again, he volunteers. becuase its instinct. its love. promises be damned, there’s no stronger instinct to sirius than to protect his brother

11. “No, it comes down to mother and son now.” sobbing. sobbing so hard. this line fucking hurts more than you could ever know

12. 😧 regulus volunteered. regulus volunteered. it’s brother against brother. i. i. shit

13. “”It's already done, baby," Regulus whispers.

"You promised," James whimpers.

Regulus gives him a sad smile. "I lied."”

sobbing. deep sobbing. i am still on public transport

14. i hate that dora doesn’t understand the gravity of this situation. she just loves her cousin. and also, i love andy

15. authors notes are cruel. first one:

“well. sirius 🤝 regulus: being fUCKING LIARS.”

16. i can’t even begin to describe how upset I am. brothers pitted against each other, james and reg once again torn apart, james thinking he only gets one of his people back, either his other half, or the love of his life. and james being mad at regulus. their broken relationship. all of it. the angst is ANGSTY. zar. dude. why.

#marauders #regulus black #james potter #fanfic #jegulus #sirius black #effie potter #euphemia potter #sunseeker #starchaser #sirius and regulus #pandora rosier #pandora lovegood #crimson rivers

[craycraybluejay]

yeah yeah you hate me I'm an evil disgusting perverted manwhore we have each other blocked everywhere blah blah but I know you still jerk off to me and I know it makes you hate yourself a bit because you don't have the strength to accept the darker parts of your desire. but you can't help yourself and I take pleasure in the knowledge.

#this pussy makes homosexual men hate themselves !! #this tdick makes you want to kill yourself !! #this wretched and desirous personality has captivated you so !! #pussy change your life like im god~ they always fall in love not my fault~ #im never pickin up when they call~ #<- song lyrics #you want to fuck me so bad it makes you act stupid !! #im genuinely not mad people are generally going to end up hating themselves too much to be chill #but i am having a wild laugh bc this mf who told me i'm a gross freak also told me that he has sex dreams about me regularly #like yeah ok faggot #watch this loser text me in like a year apologizing for being a judgy little bitch begging me to respond LMFAO #thank u next hoe !! #idk its extra liberating to not only decide to be more choosy but also to know they obsessed #how's the vanilla boyfriend taste? can he get you off 7 times in a row? does he make you feel free and hedonistic? #anyway yeah im just being mean here bc its a mood boost i would not say this shit to anyone lmao #trust me bro i am literally the last person to cross the line when i get emotional (usually excited sometimes angry or horny) #ok no im a little prone to excitedly infodumping for 8 hrs but i try not to offend people #making enemies for no reason is a terrible idea

[superbattrash]

Sometimes I see a take so bad that I have to physically put my phone down and do breathing exercises to make sure I do not become One Of Those People

Everybody is entitled to their own opinion, everybody is entitled to their own opinion, everybody is entitled to their own opinion eVEN WHEN IT IS SO FUCKING WRONG

#chewing on my own arm rn #but why does he get so much hate? he’s just— HE IS THE FUCKING DEVIL. SPLITTING A FAMILY UP JUST BECAUSE HE SUDDENLY FEELS LIKE BEING A DAD #HE ABANDONED THEM. ABANDONED!!!!!!! LEFT THEM IN DEBT AND WITH THE ABUSIVE FUCKING ASSHOLE #HE DROVE EUIHYUN TO THE BRINK OF FUCKING DEATH BECAUSE HE COULDNT BE BOTHERED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN KID #Oh but no sure let’s bitch on Taeju instead because he’s tHe wOrSt #boy CHANGED. and he has APOLOGIZED #REPEATEDLY BITCH. #cried his eyes out. found euiyoung. gives them a safe place to live #takes care of them BOTH…. #I’m not saying the shitty ass dad can’t see eiuyoung but he went about it all fucking wrong. he abandoned them and then separates them #and has the fucking audacity to point out how shitty euihyun’s life is… MOTHERFUCKER WHOSE FAULT IS THAT PARTLY HUH???? #he could’ve left if he didn’t have euiyoung. who YOU ABADONED AS SOON AS HE WAS BORN #GRRRRRRRRR #FUCK. I AM SWEATING I AM SO ANGRY #misha rants

[steampoweredskeleton]

Ignore

#delete later #in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown #i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it #im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly #to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or #spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be #ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right #and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen #too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the #person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this #at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my #meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things #i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas. #meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry #and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain. #i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay #i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired

[imflyinoveryou]

living with em just has me in this irrational , constant oscillation of idealization and genuine resentment and it’s not fair to them nor myself.. i can’t wait to put space between us ! and i can’t wait to have clarity that brings far more love into my relationships with them.

#and everytime i start to feel like they stole my life from me i gotta remember that like; while unfair; they kinda needed me more than i #i needed to (have a life) as dumb as that sounds #cause now they’re still the same broken people and i actually have all the chances in the world that they never did #and that is so fucking heartbreaking cause they deserve the world you know #so i can’t hate them for not knowing how to be parents. they never stood a chance #idk it feels like all of my sacrifices were in vain bc they’re still struggling but at the same time #they’re sincerely healing in real time. it’s cool to see. #it’s all on their own accord though i have had no part to play in that #and it took me all this time to realize it? #im so angry that they molded me into such an obedient and quiet kid who was too scared to do anything for myself #and they never actually needed me but they convinced me and themselves that they did #and I’ve missed out on so much life. granted I am so young and no one is truly responsible but myself for falling for that bullshit #im just grieving. and there’s a lot to grieve man. #anyways I’m gonna go shopping muahahaha

[mrfoox]

The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal. #I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me. #Negative #Abuse

[dmclemblems]

maybe sometime I really will go into more detail about how inaccurately Houses handled recruits for the Lions besides for on this post (like for more depth), but the fact that you can recruit Sylvain outside the Lions in Houses is absolutely NUTS. the whole flirting with girls thing is so superficial and he knows it, so the whole idea of him joining any house because of the option of Byleth being female is super lame (even if Byleth was male he wouldn’t). his loyalty to Dimitri, Felix, Ingrid, and Faerghus itself would never allow for him to take up arms against his family group of friends or his home. he just wouldn’t.

I’m actually very happy that Hopes doesn’t allow any of the Lions to be recruited outside AG besides for Mercedes (not loytal to Faerghus) and Ashe (who you could argue Lonato with and the fact that he would just want to survive and surrender to any enemy because he needs to survive to take care of his little siblings). Only those two have reasons to be recruited whereas none of the other people in Faerghus would ever ever ever take up arms like that against their own family, friends and homeland.

I mean it’s literally basic Faerghus facts that it’s a country of extremely loyal people. they’re not loyal to their customs, just ingrained in them and Dimitri is working to carefully change any toxic customs or issues while making sure it doesn’t cause any problems that could harm the citizens (like riots and shit). they have customs that can change, but their loyalty to their home and each other is part of who they are as people.

just because they’re willing to die for their country doesn’t make them all the nonsensible shit that Edelgard and Hubert say about them. Edelgard says shit like how she can’t understand why they die for their homeland instead of surrendering and choosing to live because she’s so narrow mindedly focus on the Crest system that she literally believes Faerghus is just trying to defend its old ways and stay trapped in them.

it’s literally not. it’s a country that will fight to protect its freedom from invaders and will die for their honor, loyalty and everyone and everything they love. they don’t die to protect their systems. they fight because they aren’t willing to be overthrown. Edelgard should have known that with how long they’ve been fighting Sreng away from its borders. Faerghus is full of VERY PROUD people and you can’t just walk in with an army and go “hey so I’m here to overthrow your country and destroy your systems and throw your people in power out of power”. they’re not just gonna be like oh no how scary it’s an army. they’re gonna say bitch fuck you and your whole ass army you’re gonna have to kill us to take this country.

yeah, they’re used to their systems, but the people also recognize that Sreng has been kept away thanks to the Lance of Ruin and the Gautier family’s Crest’s power. until they’re able to find a new way to manage that, they can’t just toss the system out the window. they need a plan first and then they need to find a way to initiate that. you also can’t just change things overnight and expect the populace to be cool with it. there’s a reason it’s taking longer for Faerghus to have huge changes, and it’s because Dimitri knows how to run a country. it’s because he knows the people he needs to worry about and please are the people themselves.

tl;dr the Lions are way too fucking loyal to ever leave Faerghus. Felix is also like that and him being a tsundere character doesn’t change that. him not knowing how to handle talking to Dimitri, who he shows worry about in a very aggressive and roundabout way, is not him actually hating Dimitri and wanting to leave Faerghus behind. his issues with Dimitri also don’t extend to Faerghus itself, so even if they couldn’t find common ground again (which they do), Felix would not leave Faerghus because his country has nothing to do with their personal issues. if he didn’t like something Dimitri did as a ruler, he’d want to be there as someone who can borrow Dimitri’s ear and give him advice to help him. he would not just walk away and be like oh well I guess Faerghus is fucked. he’d work to help fix the problem.

while I understand the overall reason for Houses letting you recruit basically anyone, I know it’s also a common thing that people mention how much of an asspull the dialogue is for the characters’ reason for turning on their homeland. it’s one of those things where you can’t reasonably recruit them as a real story-based ally because it messes with their core character. in the case of Hopes, it at least handles the recruit problem for the Lions waaaay better.

like... if this universe was real, you would not be recruiting them to another country’s side in war. you just wouldn’t because you couldn’t. it’s like trying to pull a single brick out of a solid brick wall with just your hands and nails. y’ain’t doin’ it.

#Three Hopes #Three Houses #and look like one of my favorite things abt Sylvain is his loyalty #one of my favorite things about him is how he won't turn on the people he loves #he doesn't even hate Miklan. he's bitter about what happened between them and that's really it #he can be mad but he also gets sad when Miklan dies. his last words after fighting him are ''Miklan... My brother...'' #if Sylvain can't even find it in him to hate Miklan after what happened between them in Houses then he's never gonna turn on Faerghus #like deadass he is the guy who would slit your throat in your sleep if you fucked with Felix Dimitri or Ingrid #Hopes did so much good for his character and that angry worrying mom side of him #he's literally team mom and he will do anything to protect them #I haaaaate any concept of Sylvain ever betraying the people he would literally die for #that doesn't like much in words bc it's easy to say/write ''die for'' but that's the end of someone's life and when it's happening #in real time it's significant and most people WOULD turn tail if they thought they'd die there #Sylvain... wouldn't do that. he'd really die for them. he would never want them to die before him #that's also why for me non-AM Sylvix endings just KILL me and prove to me that they should never have left Faerghus in the war #it's almost like karma for betraying their people and Dimitri. Sylvain doesn't get to die before them #he doesn't even get to see Felix's body. he'll never know what happened to Felix. he just gets his sword and has to live knowing #that now both Dimitri and Felix are dead and he may or may not have outlived Ingrid so like #it's literally the worst possible ending for Sylvain for his core character. outliving EVERYONE he ever loved or cared for #Felix just likes to act tough and bitchy he's just a soft dumb nerd at the end of the day who loves cats #if you put a kitten in his arms he'd probably just melt on the spot and bluescreen bc of his cute it is #and if it mewled and stared up at with giant wide adorable eyes he'd combust #and Ingrid is self explanatory like there's no excuse for her ever leaving Faerghus lol it just wouldn't happen #DCB Comments

[phantaloon]

.

#am i in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable when talking to my very christian friends about how devoted they are to their religion #when i feel like all the christian religion has done to me is hurt me? #like arguments here and there that were birthed by christianity that directly harm my existence #I've been told by my own father that christianity calls all queer people abominations of life that's it not fucking natural #I've been told by priests that i should behave a certain way otherwise it would be my ruination #all my fucking life christianity has been used to make me submit to this ideal woman i should be #and it's made me hate it so fucking deeply #like deep down i am still catholic I've left behind what the church preaches and internalized what believing in god is for me #but i do not want to know what the christian church be that whatever christian church wants to say #i don't have to enjoy the fact that my friend goes to practice her faith at a place that wants be dead should i? #am i just projecting my anger? my hurt? #i feel angry when she tells me what she did at church and then i feel. guilty bc why am i like that #but then i try to convince myself that it's okay that it's valid for me to feel mad bc of how much pain the church has cost me #but I'm still so unsure idk how to feel and it upsets me when i feel things that i shouldn't when i should be happy for her #i wish i could talk to anyone about this ngl

[bo0zey]

boys be mad asl when i don’t giggle n tehe n show cute emotions like bitch my wounded inner child just got done drunk sniveling begging for daddy not to yell n hate her while her intoxicated narcissistic father screamed n gaslit her until she dissociated to euthymic plane 🙄🙄🙄

#‘trauma dumping’ eat my shorts loser assholss #so funny he said if my narcissistic sociopathic insane brother killed himself then it’s ‘goodbye to the rest of y’all too’ #like ohhhhh so ur eldest daughter n youngest son don’t mean jack fuckjn shit to u right??? lmfao lolll #yeah just go rot with that selfish egotistic psycho while ur 15yr old son who lost his mom at 7yrs old #i want to strangle my fuckjgnf dad sometimes he’s so cruel n said so many mean things to me #he always has to defend my middle brother ‘he’s depressed what if he kms’ like??? #my middle brother literally manipulates tf out of my dumbass emotionally unintelligent father he’s tearing this family apart #meanwhile i never planned on seeing 18 nor living past 22 n now i have to go exist n find a job when i never thought i’d have to do this sh #shit ever b. i was supposed to #be dead 4 years ago lololllll #god forbid i tell him that or my plan to kms at 27 lollll #so worried abt a fucking LOST SOCIOPATH SEFISH NARCISSITIC CAUSE ur gonna make me and my baby brother suffer?? as orphans ?? #my dad n i used to get breakfast every sunday in middle school n talk abt life n drive around after n those days meant the world to me #i never realized how much i missed them. how much i looked forward to him saying he’d call me while i’m away at college #but my middle brother egosticizl fuck is like ‘lolyh i just nod n say what dad wants me to hear’ when my dad is trying so hard to save him f #my dad admitted to neglecting my lil bro lol it makes me so fkcing angry he doesn’t give af abt us #says ‘im worth more im the ground than i am alive’ n my inner teen bursts into tears bc she experienced that already #yeah moms life insurance money was so fun!! until it ran out bc of college n impulsive manic spending n the materialistic thrill never laste #i want to hate him but i can’t even deny i love him so much he hurts me and everyone i love and disappoints us all n we still care for him #he’s letting my brother fuckjgn kill him literlaly my dad is physically sick bc of my sociopath narcissistic bros drama #he blames me for not going to him n telling him abt my ‘’mental issues’ as if i didn’t have to grow up n become mom the day after my 16th #i am my mothers child he didn’t know anything abt our childhoods until she died and he had to step up n parent us himself #he doesn’t know what it means to be a parent he shouldn’t be a parent but oh fuckjgn well oh my god WE ARE YOUR KIDSMWE NEED YOU WH #WHY CANT YOU SHOW US YOU CARE WHEN WE ALL HAD TO LEARN ALL WE HAVE IS OURSELVES #i am so angry he tried to throw me under the bus abt not having a job as a new grad nurse instead of my brother for dropping out everything #ur son wants to drop his ap classes bc he procrastinated n doesn’t wNna do the work so now he’s manipulating u to let him quit #i am just not exiting the identity crisis coming to terms w the fact that i’m 22yrs old n alive n need to start living n working #tonight was a shitshow but the ending calmed down but i couldn’t stop crying sniveling whimpering when dad yelled #yelled n accused n attacked me n chose to defend my middle bro over me like..he’s trying to kill u n i freaked out bc stepmom said u cut #ramblings

[criticallyconcealedchaos]

I am so filled with rage over something I know is inconsequential but I have no idea how to get rid of this feeling where I want to tear this world apart throw him into the depths of hell and scream for a thousand years

#yes its over a fucking essay grade #but you dont understand how freaking frustrating this professor is #who never fucking is clear about a single thing in his entire life #i hate him so much right now #i know I just need to go to sleep #but I am way to fucking angry and I want to yell really loudly for a really long time #HE MARKED ME OFF FOR USING A CONCEPT THAT HE APPROVED TWICE #MOTHER FUCKER #FUCKING MEET ME OUTSIDE YOU POS #okay I beed to breathe #i took all my meds #i am only mentally rageful #but idk I never get this mad #i dont know how to handle this #now I have a rage headache #this is why I shouldn’t do school stuff after 8PM #MOTHERFUCKER I HATE HIM

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

can i just.. die

#ventpost dni #'it felt like u didn't wanna talk' #god i fucking hate that sentence #like so fucking much #fucking war flashbacks or something ugh #how the fuck do people do friendships i am so mad i can't do this shit at all #how tf is the person im friends with more insecure than me fucking always #like don't i show it enough #ugh all the time i feel like oh no im being too much im being clingy im being annoying #and fucking still people have the audacity to say that they don't know if i like them #like what the fuck do i do #how do i make my feelings reach them #is adulting just fucking trying and trying and endless fucking trying and getting nowhere #cause that's how it's been past year and more #in every goddamn aspect of life #studies relationships friendships fucking 'healing' #with this girl in the ss ugh it was so fucking good i thought we were friends wtf but i asked her if she went to college today and she was #like dude i moved colleges so i was like wtf u didn't even tell me and she said that as response #god i feel so angry like FUCKING angry and tired and just done #19 years and i still don't fucking know how to read people how to gauge interest how to make them stay #ugh we didn't even talk except exams but i still feel so fucking betrayed #i told her i was bi and she was like im so happy u trust me with this back when we met #literally it's like jitna bhi vulnerable u get it doesn't matter everyone i love will just be sooo insecure that they'd just rather leave #me then try to stay and fix things #fuck them honestly #and fuck me for still missing them #ugh #mes

[incomprehensiblegiberish]

am i the only one who doesn't see purpose in the cycle of work for more work to do more work so that you can earn more work? why should i fucking try if my only reward is getting more work and maybe a "good job keep working". i am. fucking tired.

#i have no clue if im in a mood bc of . or if im actually feeling pissed off and upset right now #i hate so much that i deal with shit like this #i cant even leave my own fucking house #and they have the audacity to say that if something is pissing me off that i can just go away from it #im so tired of having work just to do more work #im fucking tired #im so fucking done with this shit #ive been at it for years it hasnt gotten any easier and they just keep going #i dont know how everyone else seems to do thsi easily and fucking. get a sense of accomplishment from it #i just finish something and feel angry #like i let them win #i am tired of acting like i dont feel things #i am so tired of being upset and being able to do nothing #i am so fucking close to snapping i swear to fucking god #and i know in the morning i'll back to the same shit as always #of thinking about how much i fucking hate my life #and being used as a box as an example of a good life #and im not saying i have a horrible life #im just tired of being told everyday that “at least you didn't have to deal with ___” or “Oh yeah?? Well ___ happened to me” #i dont even know why people want to stay my friends anymore #one of my friends said they don't knwo they'd do without me and i dunno why but it just made me really sad #i dont know what i even did for them #i seem to annoy so many of my friends all the time #i dont know what they mean by that #i dont know what im doing anymore #vent post #tw vent

[viosjaan]

.

#i need to talk to you so fucking badly but i don't know how #i hate you a little for convincing me that we could do this we could be this weird thing between more than friends but less than lovers #and that i could be okay with it #i told you i couldn't #i told you i was so scared of losing you fucking everything up hurting you again #you said it would be fine #it's not fucking fine #you said not to test your self control but do you want to see pictures of me in a tank top #sometimes i hate you so much for perfectly knowing which buttons of mine to push to get me to agree to you #i hate that i can't even hate you properly because im too busy feeling fucking fond ki aw kitni cute hai kitna mast flirt karti hai there's #no going back you're it for me #when you're not. im tired of waiting and hoping #it's literally a vicious fucking cycle we fight we make up things stay good for a while but then ek din we talk at 2 am #and my fucking feelings become too real and i start having expectations hopes for our future together and then one tiny thing #happens something that is normal but perfecy for shattering my illusion like you saying 'uske liye pehle date bhi toh karna padega na' and #flirting with others #i hate that i can't express my feelings well i hate that i was too fucking embarrassed to say that #i know it doesn't mean anything to you but it means something to me. it means that you don't respect our relationship enough it means that #other people believe you're single and available and they're shooting their shot trying to impress you and it's so fucking maddening ki idk #i want to kill them all i hate them so much #i hate that you bring out the worst and best parts in me i hate that i feel so possessive and angry but also how i always try to be gentler #more soft hearted to people in my life because of you because of your lovable tender heart i hate the way i try to talk to my mom politely #because you love your mom. i hate that i don't hate anything at all about all of this except for the fact that you're not physically here #i miss you and love is understanding and i won't ever find anyone like you again and i don't want to remove enchanted from my ts playlist #but i also don't know how to not cry everytime i listen to it i don't know how to listen to renegade and think #that whoa i used to be the renegade in my first relationship and now it's you you're the renegade and you need me and all that joking about #i could fix you but i couldn't. i can't. not because you're too broken but because it hurts too much to stay im not strong enough to be #there for you

[pears-trinkets]

.

#im so angry right now and actually physically sick #my whole family consists of two people only and theyre both pro israel and super condescending towards other opinions #saying everyone who does not share their opinion is a unknowledgable child on the internet that buys into trends and lies #i tried to talk to them so many times offering to talk and share resources #trying to reason with them #screaming at them how their logic doesnt make sense and only works if theyre profiting off of it #and im being called unreasonable angry and unhinged because im the crazy one im the one whos been in a mental hospital the one with issues #but my whole life is reliant on them and i can not cut them out of my life even if they do great damage to my mental health and selfesteem #im completely financially dependent on them and can not live on my own #not only because i wouldnt be able to get an apartment without them but also because i only have a job because i work for my step dad #i cant hold other jobs or even get them to begin with and also they would pay less than half of what i earn now #which would not even be enough to pay rent #i hate my life so fucking much i am so angry how i have to have my abusive mom in my life and cry about it like im 14 #im so tired of fighting for i dont know what #im so tired of being gaslit all the time and being looked down even though im an adult and try to speak super eloquently #and then it just ends in me crying and screaming and my face twitching uncontrollably because everything i say is being shut down #i know im right i know what i read and see about gaza i know so much more about the whole issue than them and see all the horrors #but it doesnt matter because im just an ungreatful child who wants to invent conflict because apparently i love fighting #like nothing that i say matters #israel is using abuser tactics like silencing the people they abuse and playing the victim and twisting the narrative #and the whole zionist propaganda #and thats literally my mom and how she acts as a person #she hates being jewish she never talks about it she didnt want to tell me anything about the culture and didnt learn yiddish from her family #and now she says that everyone who is against israel is like the people who were antisemitic to her all her life and said shes less than #she literally made this war this genocide about herself and how shes always the victim #i wish i just had someone to talk to so i dont go completely insane #i feel so alone

[fishylife]

every day [asshole] continues to show that he does not care for a certain group of people's feelings...they are completely negligible to him...

#thinking out loud #might delete later #every time i think i'm over it he does something and reminds me that no i am still angry #and i might be for the rest of my life #i fucking hate this #i hate that i'm so affected bc clearly he doesn't give a shit #maybe shit was better when i didn't become aware of how much he fucked me up #now i'm just miserable all the time #i'm gonna go play some ffta2 so i don't have to feel for the rest of the night

[havegaysex]

My dad telling me about the new horse he just bought when I'm crying over car repairs and making my car payment really just pisses me off so much

#like he's called me a freeloader before #and it's like I don't know maybe I just am angry that he financially destroyed my mother and she's still recovering from it #and he now has a rich bitch wife whose family has slave money and I'm constantly hearing about all the new expensive things they're buying #she's literally a landlord #every time I go to his house I try and make sure I steal toilet paper and dog treats and paper towels and baggies #they have so much excess #and when he complains to me about his budget being really tight it's like maybe if you lived within your means he wouldn't be stressing #I literally can't have savings or I will lose my health insurance and food money and money to pay for having a car and living #and you're complaining about how your six-figure retirement took a drop this week fuck you #I will be poor my whole life and my father and stepmother will be complaining about not having money after they just spent $400 at Costco #when the State of emergency was in place and I was getting over 200 a month for food he said that's more than we spend a weekend at Costco #I hate rich people #I hate landlords