#she hates being jewish she never talks about it she didnt want to tell me anything about the culture and didnt learn yiddish from her family

[batboyblog]

hi, i'm the anon who told the story of finding out im jewish only recently when an aunt came to visit and told us of how her mother (my grandma's sister) and her siblings came from poland fleeing the nazis because they were jewish. thank you so much for your reply. i kind of cried. learning about this was an Experience for me. It seems my grandma and her siblings didn't exactly want to hide being jewish, but didn't tell anyone. they didn't assimilate into christianity and didn't raise their children as religious. we didn't celebrate any christian holidays, observe any customs, but also didn't practice any jewish ones (obviously). since learning about it, my aunts and mother talked to my grandmother and asked for her story. she fled when she was about 10 around 1940 in an unlabeled merchant ship with a few other family's, only they didn't come with their parents. they dropped all their practices and grandma only broke their pretense to observe shiva when their brother passed away, and now for her sister. my grandma is a very old woman and no one wanted to upset her further, i mean she's already lost both her siblings and her only family from before her marriage, so the whole thing's been dropped by now. our aunt says their older brother actually became a practicing Jew once he moved to the big city and had a few photos of them as kids in Poland that he gave to his oldest son that she can show us, but apart from that there's no connection. It's strange, I've never been antisemitic but it feels kind of prejudiced of me to have mixed feelings on this. It feels like we got all the bad parts of generational trauma and missing stories and none of the good parts like community and a feeling of belonging. Though that does also mean we were never the victims of hate, so for that we should be grateful. It hit my mom much harder though. She's named after my grandma's sister (which is apparently a Jewish custom, to name your children after past family members? all of us are named this way. i didnt know this). I feel reluctant identifying as Jewish, I don't even know if by Jewish law I would be classified as such. Anyways.

i know this is a bit heavy, so don't feel preassured at all into replying. I just wanted to say this whole thing took place since early december of last year and your reply has kind of caught me vulnerable. thank you for your kind words. sincerely

first off thanks for writing back, it was very interesting and people so rarely ever follow up with anything these days.

One I'd like to say I'm touched by how your grandmother and her siblings stayed close over the years and you are connected to their families still. I can imagine 3 little kids from Poland in a ship with only each other, the horrible heart breaking choice their parents had to make to save them. So so many Jewish parents couldn't bare to part with their children... your great-grandparents made the hardest choice imaginable, your grandma was an incredibly brave little girl and it worked, it worked

I certainly understand feeling conflicted about it all, I can only imagine getting news that realigns your view of the world, yourself, your family, world history, and who you are. You wouldn't be human if that didn't leave you with a lot of mixed feelings and I can't tell you what to do with it.

Yes it is Jewish tradition to name children after dead loved ones, my nephew is named for my grandfather who passed a week after he was born. I'm not a Rabbi, or an expert in Jewish law, but by my understanding your mother is almost certainly Jewish since your grandmother is and you likely are as well. I've been assuming you live in America but that might not be the case, here Reform Judaism is the largest movement and tends to be pretty open about "who is a Jew" else where the Orthodox movement is most often the majority and they tend to be more strict but again I strongly think you both would be Jews.

Any ways I keep thinking of one of my favorite monologues, from Angels in America

"You can never make that crossing that she made, for such Great Voyages in this world do not anymore exist. But every day of your lives the miles that voyage between that place and this one you cross. Every day. You understand me? In you that journey is."

whatever you do with this, it is with you, every day that crossing in a boat is a little girl from Poland, that journey that she made is in your soul.

I can't tell you what to do with that, and I think it goes against the grain of my religion to tell you what to do with that. I will say there are times when the candles are lit and I look into them and I say the words I can see eternity, being chosen is not easy the path is hard, and I'm ALWAYS learning more and I will till the day I die, but I wouldn't trade it.

I guess what I'm trying to say in a super disorganized and emotional way is, a door has opened in your life, whatever you do you'll never see your grandmother the same way again, and you'll carry that story with you always. The question is do you want to know more? I think it's clear I hope you do and one day your kitchen might fill with the smells of baking challah the way your great-grandparents in Poland might have done before the war. But I can't make that choice for you and I feel bad even saying what I think.

What I said before stands you and are a miracle, and whats more a testament to love undying, so many children sent away by parents who loved them enough to save them, little pieces of ash in the wind blowing away from fires of Armageddon, really little seeds blowing out of a forest fire to grow a tree in a new world and look at all its branches. I hope whatever happened to your great-grandparents the idea of their children having a future was a comfort in the darkest moments. May their memory be a blessing.

#Jewish #Jumblr #Holocaust #asked #answered

[mismashedsocks]

 so riordan made a half assed lame excuse on his lazy/racist writing on piper yesterday and on top of that he made another one on samirah and i’m muslim so i am going to talk about it

damn i’m so sorry these people have been pushing you past your comfort zone about your wildly popular racist caricatures of minorities that have great impact on your young, impressionable target audience. while its fine that if he takes a break for his mental health he still needs to deal with these problems you can’t just take a break and hope they go away.

why does he think everyone is bullying him. if they talked in all caps, cussed at you, or didn’t stop bothering you, i’m sorry they’re just trying to get you to realize how racist your books are, which you keep refusing to believe. i can believe that a few of them were doing it for attention, but it couldn’t be the majority. and my god, god forbid people want you to write your books the way you preferred, without racist stereotypes. 🙈

you can set your boundaries but you keep ignoring the people, you don’t listen. like you put yourself out there as a writer you are open to criticism

why does he keep doing this to seem like the good guy. you give excuses and don’t do anything and just say that its up to you, you can think whatever you want 🥰🥰. like its such an obvious excuse not to take any action.

i’m sorry but no matter how many muslims you’ve interacted with you haven’t gotten the full experience and last time i checked teachers aren’t the kids best friends soo uhm. anyways the rest of it is just him telling his experience with muslimah students so its just there.

so uhm you just said your students ‘unwillingly’ become an ambassador to everyone she knew’. and then you went to talk to them about islam to make sure you were TEACHING THEM YOUR SOURCE MATERIAL CORRECTLY. i’m sorry imagine. these are kids not some scholars you go to consult. there are so many muslims all over the internet and youtube sharing their experiences for you to access on how to ‘represent their experience’ correctly. you’re the teacher here. picture this:as a muslilm, i teach at a public school and while teaching about Christianity in class, no i would double check or some dumb shit with the students. like educate yourself i’m sorry. anyways apparently he blames his mistakes on himself then goes on to deny he ever made any mistakes i can’t.

so this is a blatant lie. 99% of muslims i’ve met have never read all of sahih bukhari and sahih muslim. usually only scholars do that when they are studying islam for YEARS. and FIVE different interpretations of the quran on top of that. ok so sahih bukhari is 9 books that are over 300 pages each and sahih musilm is 7 volumes with also about 300+ pages each. and then the english versions of the quran are 600 pages. and he claims he read five of them. i’m so sorry but no he didn’t. he writes books so fast and he released mcga around the time toa was being released almost one book per year so he did not have a lot of spare time. the rest ig i can let slide. also and if he did do all of that why does he make so many mistakes in writing samirah. and even IF you accept his excuses reading ALL of this source material is great for teaching your class or whatever but not for writing a modern day muslim. you don’t need to lie to us rick ❤️

most of this is just describing what she’s like but his writing did also add in the model minority, smart kid trope. like no they don’t have to be a terrorist or a A+ student who is the best at everything. there is a middle ground to their personality. 

i actually used to love his rep in sam. that’s how i got into the series. i saw a hijabi girl on his website. i got excited and read all of his books. i loved piper, leo, hazel, percy, annabeth, sadie, carter, nico, everyone. now that i look back i was younger and didn’t see anything wrong with it back then. its great that he tried to portray minorities but he did it so badly and now is just denying the faults that his now older readers are trying to tell him.

hey, uhm didn’t you read all of sahih bukhari and muslim? hmm i didn’t think so. anyways the way he dealt with it honestly wasn’t that bad. but the whole ‘whoops’. like why does he keep portraying himself as the innocent old white man just trying his best.

honestly how he wrote samirah as a hijabi was the dumbest thing i’ve ever read. its is totally fine if she wasn’t hijabi, many muslim girls aren’t, and that is their choice. but he decided to make her like a weird middle ground. it was so lazy and inconsistent. in the first book she says she wears it when she needs to, like in situations like going to the masjid. this was fine, since many muslim girls do that. then in the next books she wears it all the time except when she’s in valhalla for some reason. hijabi girls take of their scarves when they’re at home or with family, but making her claim the entirety of vallhalla as her family. that was just demeaning and stupid to me. it takes away its value. and i fucking hated that last sentence. for hijabis, their hijab is important and not a toy or weapon or a MAGIC ITEM. and then on top of that she would have to take it of to hide. he could’ve made it anything else. her hijab isn’t some token item istg.

i love how he admits that they are a big problem and abusive and usually engage with child marriages. i’m relatively he doesn’t understand what the people even meant by it. the practice is a problem that isn’t supposed to be seen in a nice light. the only possible way it could be slightly ok is that if ADULTS agree they 100% do not want to choose who they want to get married to and let their parents choose, and both sides agree. samirah was a child and he decided to make her wedding life decided since the age of 12. and it was ok because amir was conventionally attractive and she loved him. WHAT IF SHE DIDNT. this literally is a dangerous arranged marriage. and arranged marriages are not ok, and mostly perpetuated by victims of it who will end up passing it down their family lines. my parents got an arranged marriage and I HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM DISPLAY ANY SIGNS OF AFFECTION. arranged marriages are not a trope that your can turn around to be a quirky personality trait for your characters.

i’m sorry that’s not how arranged marriages work. most likely if she said something her grandparents would have shut her done and continued with the marriage, as that is what you usually happens. do not portray the small amount of consented, ‘happy’ arranged marriages as the majority. it is a huge problem that many desi/middle eastern cultures are trying to erase. even on top of that he writes situations where she’s going to be in trouble for acting up and ‘jeopardizing the marriage agreement’ and that her grandparents think she’s ‘lucky that she could get the fadlan family to agree to marry their son to her’. these statements are often used in forced and dangerous marriages, so don’t try and justify your actions. if you wanted to show traditional customs in a positive light, there are so many richer parts of samirah’s culture you could’ve focused on and you chose arranged marriage. 😻 all you’ve done is given parents and authority figures a westernized resource to justify arranged and forced marriages, especially with the minimal explanation on how the marriage isn’t forced in the actual books. and yes, your books do condone child marriage samirah is clearly deemed into this marriage ever since the young age of 12. she lived her life knowing she would marry amir. no one has only one crush throughout their life. imagine how she would’ve grown up. sorry you only consider opinions that align with those in you mind.

i’m going to be honest i did like that one scene it was written nicely and accurately but the explanation he gives just ruins the entire thing. the way he just if this strikes you as islamophobic, or samirah as a hurtful, uhm no explanation i just disagree 😽. the way you wrote her is a hurtful stereotype sorry you can’t see it.

oops, you did. too bad you don’t want to do anything about it.

why do you think people are painting you in a negative light, so many of your characters are written on hurtful and negative stereotypes. people aren’t painting it that way, you need to calm down w your ego and listen. dang i’m sorry your best is giving half-assed excuses and not actually doing anything. i’m even more sorry people are mad that a highly privileged author that has a lot of influence is done talking about his racist depictions of minorities in his books. 

dang must be lucky to take a break from the social media, imagine what all the minorities you wrote about have to go with everyday weather they are on social media or not. people aren’t bullying you this is valid criticism you refuse to listen to.

fuck you

obviously these are my opinions do not judge every muslim based on what i’ve said come to me if you have a problem with it

anyways support jewish, muslim, black, brown, asian, hispanic, indigenous, lgbtq+, disabled, and other minority authors and creators.

#anti rr #fuck him at this point #samirah al abbas #she deserved so much better #i probably made so many spelling mistakes smh #long post #mcga #rr crit

[texas-hates-taxes-too]

A Very Red Christmas in Blood Gulch

I have this scene stuck in my head, sorry if its not super great, its been a long time since I wrote anything decent

Hope you enjoy!

---

"Merry Christmas, Sarge!" Donut saluted quickly (and improperly) before shoving a gift bag towards Sarge.

"Appreciated, now where's everyone else?"

"Just coming, sir", simmons wandered into the room with Grif in tow. Simmons was in his undersuit but Grif was still in pyjamas, looking like he'd just rolled out of bed, which he probably had. Lopez came in last.

"Good. Now men, today is the greatest, and reddest, holiday of them all. Christmas! And so we will be celebrating appropriately. Here's your cards."

Sarge quickly handed each of them a card.

"Uhh, where we supposed to be getting gifts? Because I didnt so that", Grif yawned while opening his card.

"Grif, I would expect nothing more than for you to be a disappointment even on the reddest holiday of the year, which is why I entrusted Simmons with buying a gift for me in your name"

Simmons was currently staring at the front of his card with watery eyes. The card said 'Merry Christmas to my Son'.

"....dude, are you crying?" Grif hadnt been moved at all by his own card, which also said son on the front but had a torrent of insults written inside it.

"What, no! Of course not." Simmons quickly dried his eyes and then handed over two gifts to sarge, "Merry Christmas, sir. Thank you for the card."

"Kissas"

"Shut up"

Donut looked over to where lopez was staring at his card, he couldn't really tell how lopez felt about it, because lopez didn't have a face, but luckily Donut was pretty good-ish at reading body language.

"Don't like your card, Lopez? Whats wrong, do you not like Christmas?... ohh, are you Jewish? We shouldn't have assumed"

".......No. No soy judío. Soy un robot."

Donut turned to Lopez, "robots can still celebrate holidays! I heard that Sheila is celebrating," he said teasingly, "I also heard caboose got her a really nice present, you'll have to get her something really good if you're gonna win her heart!"

Lopez didn't say anything but he walked away after few moments.

"Ah young robot love." donut sighed.

"Time to go deliver cards to the blues, men" sarge picked up his gun and another 6 cards before heading out.

"Fine, but I'm not putting clothes on." Grif grumbled before leaving, still in his pyjamas.

Donut grabbed more gift bags and skipped out after them.

Simmons was last to leave, he had taken his card back to his bunk and was just sitting looking at it. It was stupid, he thought, to get so emotional about something as small as a card. But he just couldn't help it, the card and the words on it were the best gift he'd gotten in years. He gave it one last look and smiled before running out to join the others.

---

Lopez had joined them on the walk over.

"Did you find a gift for Sheila, Lopez?" Donut asked as they walked.

"Si." Lopez held up a spanner that he'd stuck a red bow on.

"Aww, I bet she'll love it!"

Grif leaned into Simmons. "Whats a tank gonna do with a spanner?" He whispered.

"...why are you asking me?"

They arrived at blue base.

"Hellooo! We're here for Christmas!" Donut yelled.

Church stumbled out of blue base still in his pyjamas.

"Hey, shut the fuck up reds, people are trying to sleep!"

"At 12pm? You're worse than Grif." Simmons responded.

"Not true, I'd get up at 3pm if you'd let me."

Sarge put his gun away and pulled out some cards.

"Alright blue, get the rest of your filthy buddies out here, we've got cards for ya"

"And presents!" Donut added.

"Presents?!" Caboose poked his head out of blue base's entry way, he was already fully dressed in armor.

"Here's yours, caboose!" Donut held out a dark blue gift bag for Caboose who quickly ran over like an excited puppy.

"Oh I love gifts! I got gifts for all of you too! Just wait here and I'll go get them."

"Now wait a minute there blue, I gotta give you your card", sarge handed caboose a card and then tossed another at church.

"I don't celebrate Christmas" church said flatly, bot bothering to open the card.

"Of course you don't, you're a blue and this is a red holiday! Consider this an act of war!" Sarge yelled back.

"Thats not— y'know what, nevermind"

Church wandered back into blue base.

"Tell the rest of your buddies to get out here!" Sarge shouted after him.

Caboose had torn open the his card and was slowly reading through it. His card said 'to my son' like the reds' cards but had 'blue' written in pen above the word son, inside it had a message about how caboose was pretty great for a blue and would always be welcome on red team (if he was willing to give up his blue ways).

"Aww, thank you seargent!" Caboose picked up sarge to big him a big hug, "I like being on blue team, but the card is very very nice."

Sarge tried to look unbothered by the bone crushing hug.

"Dont mention it blue." He crossed his arms, "seriously, never, ever mention it."

Eventually Tex and Tucker stumbled out the base, looking similarly dressed to church.

"Why did Church wake me up just to talk to you guys?" Tucker groaned.

"We brought gifts! For Christmas." Donut held up the gift bags to show them.

"Oh so this Christmas thing is actually a celebration and not just an excuse to get drunk?" Tex joked.

"Seriously, Tex, what planet were you born on that you haven't heard of Christmas before?"

"Earth"

"I dont buy it"

"Ahem!" Sarge interrupted their conversation. "Here."

The two took their cards as well as their gifts from Donut.

"How did you actually get cards that say 'to my enemy' on them?" Tex asked.

"To Minor Junior Private Tucker negative third class— thats not a real rank— have a terrible Christmas, lots of hate, from red seargent of the red army, the greatest army in all of blood gulch." Tucker read his card out. "Gee thanks."

"Your welcome."

"Thanks for the invitation to join red team Sarge but unless your gonna pay me I have to decline." Tex's card had included a very inspiring message about how great things would be if she joined the red team.

"Hey sarge, you want me to pay Tex 300 bucks to join red team?" Simmons asked.

"You clearly don't know my prices."

Caboose came back out the base carrying a pile of haphazardly wrapped gifts.

"I brought my gifts presents, here you go!" Caboose's tossed a gift at each of the reds. Each one was clearly some sort of gift wrapped weapon.

"Thanks.... caboose..." Grif said, looking at what was definitely a hand pistol.

"Oh I love grenades!" Donut said, "thank you caboose, these are perfect."

Caboose grinned.

"Your welcome!"

"Oh! You know what, I've actually been wanting to get a knife for ages," Simmons said, "thanks Caboose."

"Mm. No blue shotgun will ever replace my superior red shotgun, but I... appreciate it," Sarge said reluctantly.

"What did you get, Lopez?" Donut asked.

"Un rifle roto. voy a encontrar a Sheila."

"Huh, hey Caboose did you know that the gun you gave Lopez is broken?"

"Yes."

Tucker looked between caboose and lopez.

"This is getting weird again, I'm going back in."

Tex turned to the reds.

"Well thanks for coming by but we've got our own Christmas stuff to do I assume, see ya"

"Ah yes. I better go too, bye guys! Thanks for the presents, Merry Christmas!" Caboose yelled before running back inside.

"Well that was nice, should we go back?" Donut asked, " I made Christmas snacks and they're ready to eat!"

Why didn't you say so, let's go" Grif turned away and started heading back to red base, going faster than he had on the way there.

They all started heading after him, ready for a day of very-red Christmas celebrations.

Sarge watched his team with a strange warm feeling in his chest.

"Merry Christmas, boys."

#this is not proof read at all enjoy #rvb #red vs blue #Christmas #fanfic #my writing #fanfiction #oneshot #red team #blood gulch chronicles

[la5t-res0rt]

Okay but it literally, LEGALLY, isn't classified as sim cp. You don't have to look at it if you want. And none of those things on that list are okay: antis shouldn't be sending death threats, babes shouldn't be either. Name calling is also out of the window because its childish and stupid. And making fun of people or invalidating their identities is wrong too. But I dlnt think you understand that /both/ sides do all that. You cant sit here and have a double standard like that.

oh i understand perfectly well

i just dont think you do

yeah the behavior in both sides can be pretty crummy but if you literally think that people shouldnt be called out for tolerating this sort of behavior that is literally harmful to so many people myself fucking included like oh fuck would i have loved to have never had to look at the content but its all the fuck over the place and so many of the shippers are so fucking entitled and so conceited that they are actively ASKING for it that one chicks ask box is a fucking taunt she lives for the attention good or bad

at this point I have a side that i favor because the other side sent my friend death threats sent me threats of violence belittled my mental health stole my friends art and maliciously reposted and edited their artwork that same side made incredibly upsetting artwork about causing harm to an actor i

the same side that bullied a fourteen year old after they had the nerve to speak up about the shit going on the same side that came for me for not knowing every single detail of said fourteen year olds very complex and not at all my business mental illness

the side that took something that gave me so much comfort and happiness and made me remember the abuse i endured when I was thirteen i hate that the internet is still such a ducking shitty place to be a lonely kid who just wants to be liked

the same side that writes romanticized rape and writes a black lgbt+ character being a subject of abuse the same side who thinks stories of characters of color need to struggle and endure pain for it to be a valid piece of writing or the side that talks down to young people and minors and then turning around and writing graphic content involving a teenage girl

a side that includes a transmed guy who is so vile that i honest to god use the word hate to describe me feelings for him

but yeah the side that pointed out that maybe saying that you basically only view women as sex objects in that you would perform sex acts for compensation with them but not actually pursue relationships with is a problematic statement or maybe the jewish teenager who asked someone to stop throwing the term nazi around THOSE are the real villains of the story theyre the ones that need to be taught a damn lesson jesus h christ

if you are still talking about the rae biphobia fiasco literally none of us ever said she wasnt bi that I know of i know i didnt we simply pointed out that what she said was an inherantly biphobic statement being lgbt+ doesnt mean you cant belittle other identities look at nasti and how he feels about the trans experience as if he owns the damn thing ugh fucking hell you made me mention these people by name thats how cranky i am

basically on top of all the shitty things done to me and my friends I dont want people using their shit triggering content to hurt people like i was hurt

also in the United States simulated cp is only okay if it passes this thing called the miller test and buddy pal chumbo nearly all the work ive had the great misfortune fails at least one of the three prongs of the miller test the whole area is very murky and not well defined but our neighbor nation of Canada (if youre in the us) is full stop no cp of any kind no ifs ands or butts

why dont you go tell nasti to shut his yap about solar or tell rae to gather her cronies and fucking chill and stop bugging me because im getting very sick of having to tell people how i feel and why i do what i do if you really think both sides are that bad why do t you go try and talk to them because im not budging that shit is wrong and i wont sit by in silence as if it isnt

if youre a beetlebabe shipper trying to get my to badmouth antis fine yeah we can be a bit intense and yeah there have been antis who’ve done shitty things in the past but if anyone is caught being shitty its over dude you are ejected from the good graces

and if youre a neutral youre doing a great job at being neutral but it is making me very angry and neutrality is comparable to complacency so im not in your camp at all

thanks again for writing in im not really sorry for being harsh but i really am sick of this shit so maybe go try talking to someone else for a little bit like literally any beetlebabe and see what they say back to you id love to see it

editors note because i couldnt fit this anywhere but if an anti does something wrong in the same vein as the beetlebabes and i hear about it im done with them full stop they dont get my support or anything and i wont state publicly who they are but there are several people that have been cut off because of their behavior

the thing is i dont seem to see the bad stuff they do or maybe i just dont see what they do as bad because in my book telling someone pedophilia is wrong isnt harassment its just a statement of fact anyway if you have receipts of antis being as hateful as babe shippers* im all eyes pal but dont give me the same stuff ive covered because ive made my stance on those things quite clear

*threats of violence belittling mental illnesses harassing a mentally ill 14 year old making fun of eating disorders and many other bad things

(Note: pointing out the inherant biphobia of a phrase is also not harassment)

bye

#i side with my friends #im not neutral #I can recognize the flaws and things and still be a part of it for example I am a US citizen #discourse

[stillwooozy]

well my mom is having heart surgery, or idk a stent put in her heart - isnt that heart survery? Anyways shes getting better so thats good.

Ive been playing chess w/ my dad but my 10 yr old brother can beat us both so my dad isnt pissed at me anymore. He lost to my brother so he yelled at HIM for “having an attitude” and i felt bad. sore loser much? I’m competitive as hell, but only for things i know im objectively good at. He admits he isnt good at chess. I’m kinda surprised cuz ngl my dad is smart and my 10 yr old brother is..... 10. But i guess my dads intellect manifests as writing ability and my brother is advanced in math sooo... maybe chess = math? Idk. They are still forced to quaratine cuz they have covid, i doubt i’ll get it but i’ll get tested when they do again. My dogs are going crazy cuz i cant take them to the park.

My mom will come home in a few days. I’m actually excited/relieved. Usually i dread seeing her cuz she always finds something to critize me about but now im just happy she isnt dead. Haha hashtag-compassion. Shes on a bunch of drugs but shes off a venilator and sounds okay. she tested negative for covid so shes done with that im pretty sure. Shes getting a stent put in. I tried to talk to a doctor cuz she was being vague but he wouldnt tell me anything and im like :/ i get it but... i wish they would make my life easier, im the last person who should act as a husband/parent figure but here i am. My dad is pissing me off - if he cant control a situation he gets angry & ignores it. Straight up. I WISH i could do that but i have a guilty complex instilled by my very own mother.

One of my brothers i watching attack on titan so thats pretty interesting. he’s 12 and i was like... um isnt that too young? But i was 13 when i watched it so i guess not

My mom told me if i picked up her meds after i pick her up from the hospital she’ll give me half her painkillers and was like “but dont OD”. I mean im not going to turn them down. Me - turning down tramadol? What reality would that be. she’s a weird woman. I feel bad for her, she blames everyone else for her problems including me but ik she loves me. even if she hates part of me at the same time. A part of me is convinced that ill die by drugs if i never manage to kick the habit but i’d also feel really bad knowing she’d blame herself. I mean its almost comedic how dysfunctional my family is. She goes full Karen begging for opioids, then gives her mentally ill son half the pills as a reward. hey - positive reinforcement i guess? Good for her. Dont hit ur kids - just give them drugs when they are being a good little boy.

I think i’ll watch AoT w/ my brother. Hes the sibling i probably ignore most. him and my 10 yr old brother. I like my 6 yr old brother and my 19 yr old sister. I mean i love all my siblings but come on..... 9-15 yr old boys are batshit. i say this from personal experience.

I asked him if he liked Eren x Mikasa cuz idk. Isnt that what most basic shonen preteen boys are into? I forced myself to read eremika hentai when i was about his age. He’s a nice jewish boy too, so 50/50 chance he has an east asian fetish. You want to know his reply??? “No I don’t see anyone as a couple they all seem gay to me - no offense”. None taken brother ... i have to agree

i was flirting w/ 2 girls on tinder - no worries im not going to spread covid i promise - and i’ve come to the realization that....... why do most “alt” girls SAY they want a bi boy to “peg” but...... get uncomfortable when that bi twink actually gets fucked by men. like what??????? they just want a boy who wears flowery blouses and eyeshadow. sorry hun i’m not that person. I look like mac demarco if he was a twink in the worst way possible. I hate this trend cuz its insincere or maybe im just self concious cuz im gross. its just....... u cant ask for a bi bf...... but not really want them to ever have fucked a man????????? Grindr is disgusting but damn tinder girls are judgemental. I look like david dobrick if he was gay & mentally ill - what do u expect of me? I just miss my ex. She was unusal and im just fully appreciating that. She was the only person (beside my ex who pulled a lil peep before it was cool) who matched my type of crazy. Unfortunately 2 crazy ppl can’t last long.

To clarify i dont tell ppl, i never will, that she was “my crazy gf” or “crazy ex”. I dont mean it as a fully bad thing - i mean im the one on antipsychs (she was on lithium.. what a romance amiright). I miss her so badly. I think about texting or calling her everyday. Honestly idk if she would answer. Maybe she has moved on. We both have a minimal (public) social media presence so i cant stalk her online. she just posts memes & social justice stuff on her sc. she didnt block me from any platform. I pretend she found this blog and can stalk me & i hope she feels bad for me - pathetic right? It wasnt even a bad breakup. We were never on the “same page”, not that type of couple or chemistry, but we enjoyed being together and i miss that cuz atm i have no one but my mentally ill family. jk my siblings are surprisingly sane. I mean the younger ones have time.

[giggleangels]

Tell me about Varha? I want to know everything, she seems like an angel and I need to know more about her!

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD THE LOVE OF MY LIFE APPLE OF MY EYE!!!!!!!!!! the queen herself. 

Varha grew up to a very loving, close family, with two sisters and a brother, she was the youngest. Her mom was a nurse and her father was a lawyer. She decided from a super young age she wanted to be a nurse as well, and her mom was like YAY!!!!! Unlike Ethan, her mom and dad loved each other unconditionally, and loved their kids with everything they had. 

At the time, the only school in Promise was a christian school, and Varha and her family were Jewish, but they hid it from everyone to get into the elementary-highschool wombo combo school idfk. 

This is where she met littol ethan, who came to school with bruises and scars and black eyes from his dad. She spent most of the day at the nurses office, so she saw him alot, but they didnt click yet ( i have this one scene in my head where varha is like “ why dont you smile? smile for me!” and ethan smiles kinda and his two front teeth are knocked out and shes like <:) “ beautiful smile!” and hes like uwu )

She did get bullied for being black, in a school where the majority were white. Ethan helped one her out one day after she got pushed, and he just fucking WAILED on the bully ( his name is chad), and walked her home. After this they kinda had a friendship? kinda? its complicated.

For college she moved away from promise, to the same school her mother went too. She took a minor is psychology. during this time Ethan was in the military and ALSO was away from promise. they kinda forgot about each other.

when varha was 20-21, she came back to promise to work for the Promise Memorial hospital idk. Ethan was a cop at this time, and they met again when he got shot in the shoulder and she was the nurse to take out the bullet. he recognized her but she was like “ who??? the fuck are you???”

he was so enamored by her, he came by everyday to give her treats and flowers and ask her on dates. In the beginning she was super uneasy like what the fuck who does that? but as time went on she kinda fell into it? like “ this man really does care. also free food fucking SWEET!”

She really REALLY felt the same way about him when she was dealing with a really rowdy patient, who got up and was like” im gonna kill you!!!!!!!!!”, and stabbed her with a scalpel NOOOOO!!!!! ethan was there for her daily flowers and snack, and he helped her calm the patient down and made sure she was ok while ALSO talking to the patient to try and keep them calm. she was like “ <:O hes so sweet when he wants to be”

after this, he finally came out and was like “ hey im...im a hitman <:(” and i dont really have a plan for how she takes this but he’ll explain what he does and why hes does it, and she’ll be like idfk god this is hard.

then they got HITCHED OH FUCK!!!!! marriage time my dudes.

they tried to have kids for a bit, but learned varha was infertile and unable to have kids, so they adopted tarla, then took in kyrin ( WHO ETHAN FUCKING KIDNAPPED LMAO HER LIFE IS CRAZY)

then she was levi and her and ethan are like “ BABEY??? HOW???” but theyre so happy and in love and tarla is super happy and kyrin fucking hates it because he doesnt want a baby in the house so he cries.

( theres also a little side story where the hospital varha works at is killing patients to sell to this one bitch ass hoe named Jakoba morningstar, so he can experiment on them to find eternal life. anyway, she finds out after doing some digging after seeing a spike in deaths at the hospital, and finds out whats going on. so when Jakoba finds out she knows, he sends someone to kill her.)

One day while taking the kids to schoolio ( the christian school in promise is now totally gone and is just a public school now), she gets in a horrible accident with the kids in the car. She dies on impact, and the kids are stuck in the car while the firefighters try and get them out. mega traumatizing. 

the person who hit her car was going 150 mph, and got up and ran the fuck out, so they never learned who did it. ( IT WAS JAKOBA !!!!!!!!! WE BEEN KNEW!!!!)

this leads to ethan becoming mega obsessive with finding out her killed varha, so that he could get REVENGE!!!!! but he never finds out who did it <:( no closure....

god thats long!

anyway, varha loved to sing! she would sing in the car, in the shower, in the garden, on her bike. anywhere! 

She loved her kids, more than ANYTHING. she would KILL for her kiddos. she would murder O-O

She kinda fought with ethan about his whole secret hitman life, but she doesnt like to be controlled so she doesnt control anyone either. she just asked him to be safe and keep them safe. he failed.

she wears to pants in the relationship. Ethan has a habit of spending money on gifts for his kids and her, so she runs the finances and stuff! she is the treasury department of BAD BITCH!!!!

Shes taller than ethan by an inch, just an inch, and shes older than him by idk how much i just know shes older.

her favorite color is pink, and she loves dresses. she loves pink so much she died her HAIR pink. like....the audacity. i love her.

when she met ethan, she could tell he was super lost in his life, spiritually. she introduced him to her temple and he felt really at home in it, so he converted to judaism. She’s not THAT spiritual, but she likes the feeling of having a greater power, like a big family lmao. 

thats all i got right now omfg im SORRY 

#HNT #Anonymous

[nitzavim]

antisemitism tw

somebody tell me how to do "keep reading" cutoffs

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already ranted abt this but real talk I've gone past shock and now I'm just really really mad

and I'm not usually an angry, hate-y person but idk how else to respond to a fucking synagogue getting vandalised

I didnt want to think about it but my friend said his family is afraid there could be a shooting and theyve been discussing it ever since the rabbi told them what happened

and I was crying earlier bc idk I cant deal with this it's a lot

I was scared enough with the "go back home" shit from the president because hello, I've been scared of internment camps and having my/my Asian mom's citizenship questioned since forever

and this is a whole other level

I cant even try to ignore this shit if I wanted to anymore because all of it is right in front of my face

idk just Gd forbid that anything bad happens

.

but man, it is 2019. how is this happening.

fucking. swastikas. on peoples' houses. in 2019.

how the fuck.

the fact that they know where Jewish people live is bad enough.

but like

this synagogue vandalism isnt even on the news.

partly because the rabbi doesnt want it to be, so the nazis dont feel accomplished or anything

but like

a synagogue was covered in swastikas, one that is right off a main road, and it took the rabbi seeing it for it to be reported.

a window got broken. in close viscinity to SEVERAL HOUSES, likely in the middle of the night, and nobody reported it. how did nobody hear it? hell, how did nobody SEE WHO DID IT.

you would think it didnt even happen.

and let me reiterate that people are being targeted

and evidently nobody outside of the Jewish community really knew about it bc I sure as fuck didn't know and neither did anyone else I've talked to

I don't have to tell you how dangerous that is

like, my friend only knew about this because he personally knew a lot of the people whose houses got vandalised

and the thing is? most of them didn't want it getting on the news, either

because they didn't want to encourage and/or anger whoever did it

and I'm like

I wasn't aware that we were living in fucking 1940 here.

and man, I had never seen these stopsigns

because THEY'RE ALL IN PREDOMINENTLY JEWISH COMMUNITIES.

they're not doing this where I live because they're doing it around the Chabad house and the Orthodox synagogues and in places where there's a distinct Jewish community

so NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT NEVER MAKES ITS WAY OUTSIDE THESE COMMUNITIES

I have another friend who goes to a Reform synagogue. she didn't know this was happening. she had no idea. she had never seen the swastikas and didnt know anyone who had their house vandalised because that synagogue isnt in a Jewish neighbourhood and everyone there is kind of from all over

like dude this is fucking terrifying! whoever is doing this knows exactly where to go and they know exactly what theyre doing!

this isnt edgy teenagers making bad jokes, it's fucking actual nazis marking people and targeting communities and knowing where to find Jewish people

and this is so fucking horrible

I don't even know

I kind of need to chill or I'm going to drive myself crazy

but I'm absolutely not going to chill and I'm just going to be scared forever now I guess

how can I let my emotional guard down when it seems like every gun in a 100 mile radius is pointed at my friend and nobodys even doing anything about it and something could happen at any moment

and whats worse is that I'm in the process of emailing rabbis now

the guns could be pointed at me soon

what if when I join a shul something like this happens there

what if when I join a shul I end up getting myself and my family targeted somehow

idk

Im kind of falling apart rn

I never thought this would be so close to home for me

and this is all just

a lot

#jumblr #antisemitism

[monstrosibee]

you know, its really interesting how, despite how obsessed evangelical protestantism is with jesus, they really dont discuss his teachings that much. he was a radically anti-capitalist ethnically jewish man under the roman empire who openly proclaimed that he did not like wealthy men or tax collectors, and who Lost His Shit on a bunch of dudes selling shit in a place of worship. you can buy merchandise at a lot of megachurches these days. all these people like to talk about is how jesus died for them or whatever, but they dont like to discuss the implications of his lessons because then they have to actually follow his lessons which just dont fit with the wealthy suburban family. 

like, i think thats why, if i ever did go back to believing in the christian church, i could never be comfortable with the idea that just believing in jesus gets you into heaven. the catholic church was evil, but one of the big things it did teach that i took with me after i left is that your actions have consequences, and just believing in jesus isnt going to protect you from those consequences. its such a dirty gross idea that following a religion will mean u go to heaven even if youre a bad person like. its so evil! its engineered to appeal to bad people who like to pay lip service to an idea without ever investing in the good that should be done! and like, believing in jesus is being “saved?” saved from fucking what? not from being a bad person, because its obvious that 90% of the pople ive talked to about this who said they were “saved” were evil and hateful. 

i knew this hateful hellion of a girl in high school who used to say people who had never heard of jesus but were still good people wouldnt go to heaven and would be stuck in limbo anyway. she used to say the whole country was going to be “judged” for allowing abortion. she used to tell the gay kid in her class that she didnt agree with his lifestyle but loved him anyway because thats what “jesus would want.” she was a slimy witch of a person with no morals and less brain cells

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

#personal tea #read more only #entry

[this-brownie]

3.31.20

it feels therapeutic to write things out and be able to put my thoughts into words that I can visualize. I, sadly, had to stop writing in my old blog because Tumblr locked me out of it because I no longer had access to that Email…fucking yahoo and 2007 emails…anyway. I want to do a continuation from that blog so I will be making quite some posts about my past, starting from around April 2016.

https://somebrownie.tumblr.com

lets begin with a little background. so dad died on April 16 2017, but he had been sick for years before that. it first started off with slurred speech almost like he was drunk or something, which was when I was in tenth grade, and then progressed to him not being able to speak at all, resorting to writing on paper to communicate with us, not being able to eat solid foods anymore, having to get a tube attached onto his throat, bringing in medical equipment that was situated on his bed while he slept, and eventually having to move to a nursing home completely where he spent his final two years. I am not going to discuss what a domineering and prideful man he was, what a workaholic he was, how he tried to show us his love and affection through money and materialism, or how his death impacted me. those can be discussed at a later time. 

one positive result that came from this situation is that I had a little more freedom in pursuing the life I wanted. my mom always looked to him for guidance on every decision— I knew I wouldn't be able to marry the person who I loved because he would never allow it. Levi is a jew after all and as a muslim im supposed to hate him, of course. after he died, my mom became severely lost— she had never been completely independent. however, she still had her reservations when I told her who I wanted to marry. I had to be extremely forward, logical, and manipulative about it because old habits and a lifetime of molded mentality don't wash away that easily. a few factors helped me achieve my goal: I was in the process of graduating and had no means to get a job in my field because I didnt have the legal papers to reside in this country. by getting married, I would obtain a green card which would allow me to make money and make use of my degree. also, there was less pressure to uphold an image for our distant family and relatives— people had naturally started distancing themselves the sicker my dad became. less wealth flowed into our house meaning less parties to throw, less opportunities to give gifts to others, and less reasons to cook fancy food. this all contributed to people checking up less on my mom— all these people who she hold so dearly, couldn't give less of a fuck when they had nothing to benefit them. I asked her, are these the people youre trying to impress? is this the reason you want to hold me back? because it won't look good to THEM even tho they don't help us  at all? even while we are struggling? the last sneaky tactic I pulled was telling her that there are several friends who are willing to marry me, but at a cost. only one person who is willing to do it without a charge (good old Levi haha). and to my utter shock, she slowly agreed. I wasn't sure if she completely understood so I confirmed…”you know that means I have to live with him right…in case the lawyers check?” she said she understood and was okay with it. sweet success. that was June 2018.. in a couple months we will have been married for two years now.

Levi and I have been seeing each other since 2011. so our marriage was….a long time coming to say the least. luckily I had the chance to meet almost all of his immediate family members before we fully committed. the first people I met were his aunt candy and uncle chuck way back in 2013 for thanksgiving, and then again for Levis graduation ceremony in 2014. I've gone over for thanksgiving and passover dinners throughout the years as well. I met Levis parents for the first time in 2015 (I think) in boston and I was deathly nervous. his dad used to teach Jewish studies at both Harvard and yale—he's retired but still gets invited to conferences to gives speeches around the world. his mom opened a free after school program to teach poor children who don't have access to educational resources. so ofc I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. I wore a cute, not too revealing, dress and minimal makeup. thankfully, they steered the conversation and actually didnt interrogate me too much. we mostly just told stories which was nice. I remember one conversation where I talked about my degree in linguistics, my affinity for learning and understanding how languages work, and seamlessly adding an anecdote from a tv show that Levi and I watched from just the night before. the person on tv, I think he may have been European, wasn't able to pronounce the word “skewer” which I found very interesting because there are many sounds our tongues can't produce because we are not used to moving them in that certain way. something about the brain and tongue not being able to make the connection between the ways a foreign word is spelled and the different areas it has intonations. like, native Spanish speakers would have a difficult time saying an English word that starts with ‘sp’ like “special” or ‘sk’ in “school” because in their language the letter s isn't followed by another consonant; the sound of the letter ‘e’ always precedes the ‘s’ (like if you were to literally sound out the letter ‘s’)-- so a speaker would pronounce it as “especial”. anyway! I told his parents this tidbit that I found intriguing and added that Levi isn't able to pronounce the sound ‘gh’ but his dad was able to make all those sounds perfectly! which impressed me and put a smile on my face. his mom, who is French, was practicing the different sounds herself (not properly) and his dad just makes eye contact with me, rolls his eyes in a goofy way aimed at his wife, which cracked me up because here is this sweet woman trying her best and her silly husband secretly, but lovingly, making fun of her. it touched me because it felt so tender and genuine, when I had never really seen something like that exchanged in between my own parents.

I met his younger sister and middle brother, but only after we got married. his sister alissa is a such a sweet, quiet, docile woman who really looks up to and adores Levi. she used to stay near us while she studied law at nyu. his brother David is animated, quirky yet can be very serious, and is very kind as well. I probably didnt leave a good first impression because the three of us had been walking to a restaurant and this HUGE man and his huge ass fucking dog purposely bumped into me, in order to get by me. I don't think Ive ever gotten that angry at a stranger. I was actually in pain at how hard he smacked into me. I started cursing and Levi was shocked that I was being so loud/violent especially in front of his family member. I just said “did you see his fucking size? did he really need half the block just ti get past me?” in my head im thinking, its because im a small woman that he knows he can get away with it. and then Levi finally realized the gravity of the situation and said “should I go talk to him?” but the man had already walked away at this point. I calmed down at that point thinking, yes im gonna let my tiny husband fight this massive douche bag. I apologized to david and we just continued on.

I never got a chance to meet levi’s eldest brother, wife and youngest kids until I visited Israel (different post!) but I did meet hilly, their oldest daughter when she visited nyc with Levis parents. she's sweet, a bit of a rebel, maybe even hotheaded and insecure like the way I was when I was a teen. I enjoyed spending time with her and gifted her a bunch of lipsticks/glosses and a mascara from Sephora when we all had to say goodbye. I think she felt comfortable that I was younger because she opened up to me about her boyfriend, and told me to keep it a secret. I knew she liked me too because once Levi and I finally got married, she told him that she knew we were going to get married as soon as she met me.

even though I had a lot of luxuries as a child, I never truly experienced unconditional love without trauma or negativity. others may have it worse, but I had what I had. I've dealt with it and come away from it as a better person thanks to Levi. I feel happy to call them my family now, and that they accept me without hesitation despite me being muslim, or much younger. I still feel shy to talk to them on the WhatsApp group chat but im working on it! 

[liltinylouis]

Why do you want Taylor apologizing when Harry has done the same and worst things and you dont expect an apologize of him??? Hes a white feminist who doesnt understand black problems he's fucking ignorant he also is friends with so many problematic people he supports Israel he wrote songs about fucking a minor and he didnt even tell her so???

i can’t think of any instance where harry completely disregarded the issues of black women and other woc in his stances on feminism, has never assumed that a black girl reasonably complaining about the lack of black people on awards show was referring to HIM or talking about how good friends he was with a white feminist who molested their sister. he has never twisted his stances on things when suddenly this thing made him the most money or villainized his exes (in fact, while taylor was making people believe ikywt and wangbt were about harry, even tho these were blatant lies, harry never said one bad word about taylor or got publicly angry about these things, and complimented her numerous times which shows just how more mature he is than her). and i’m aware that he has some problematic friends (who doesn’t) and i don’t hate taylor for being friends with people like selena or gigi who are problematic but there’s a difference between staying friends with someone even tho they can say ignorant things and being friends with someone who MOLESTED THEIR SISTER and repeatedly thinks people dont like her bc she’s “unconventionally attractive” and literally going as far as to make innocent people look bad bc when they sat down next to her they didn’t have intentions of dating her (and also praising this women as helping you learn more about feminism when it’s very well known lena dunham has a narrow view on feminism). for example, harry’s friends with nick grimshaw who has said some bad things but over the years we have seen this friendship get more and more distanced. 

do i agree w harry’s apparent blind support of israel? no, but i can give him the benefit of a doubt that he probably isn’t completely aware of everything going on when he supported them and i believe he hasn’t said anything about it in literal years maybe. zayn was still in the band when he tweeted the #freepalenstine stuff, so i’m sure he could have had conversations w harry about it too. again, because jewish people have stated that their relationship and thoughts on israel are very complicated, i don’t really think of this as the worst thing someone can do, especially when harry never actually spoke about this support and its more people just assuming things.

this part is just... ridiculous to me lmao i really don’t care enough about the whole carolina bullshit and neither does anyone else but i’m p sure the ages were 17/19 if we’re supposed to believe they met a while ago and if you truly honestly think she had no idea when they had her dad give a whole interview bc he “heard the song on tv” then..... also it was one song singular and i definitely don’t believe he ever actually did everything with her (and if any of it was real harry has never given any indication he would ever take advantage of someone like that)

so like hey are you ever going to acknowledge that what taylor has done is bad and that she needs to apologize??? 

#anonymous #asks

[mercenarypark]

for the headcanon thing: medic & reaper

MedicA: what I think realistically-medic was heavily isolated as a child due to him being LGBT and jewish in wwii-era germany, the only human beings he interacted with were his parents [and his parents unconscious patients]. it shows very clearly with his complete social ineptitude, often mistaken for naivity B: what I think is fucking hilarious -medic wouldnt understand a subtle hint or a social cue if u beat him over the head with it. u think im exagerating for comedic effect but no. no. like i said he was isolated and basically cut off from human contact for years so he just like? never learned [that plus The Autism + The Mental Illnesses which make it even harder for him 2 understand shit]. before they were dating heavy made an offhanded comment about wanting to kiss medic and medic didnt realize the romantic connations of that. this is one example of thousandsC: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends-very few of my hcs have gotten me the same chorus of “FUCK YOU” as “medic dealt with a lot of trauma yeaaaars before joining the merc and found his own way of coping and dealing with it, he thought the worst was long over and he was past it all, and then he gets roped into working with cheavy and within weeks, years of recovery are destroyed as cheavy figures out his biggest weak point is his attachment to his birds, and uses that to his advantage, threatening harm to medic’s flock [and oftentimes demonstrating how serious he was] if medic didnt follow orders to a T; so by the end of his time with working with classic heavy, medic is much more of a nervous wreck, more prone to panicking, and even more protective of his birds than he was before, and it takes a lot of time and effort to slowly get past that”D: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway-medic is basically scout’s adoptive father and he loves them so much——-

Reaper [note: im not actually tooooo invested in overwatch, and i barely remember any of the Lore[tm] but reaper is one of the few characters i do care about a lot]A: what I think realistically-reaper, doomfist, and roadhog are in a very loving polyamorous relationship and i support themB: what I think is fucking hilarious -uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk honestly? like i said i havent thought much about owatch in a whileC: what is heart-crushing and awful but fun to inflict on friends -everyone and their mother has talked about this but reaper is very obviously mccree’s adoptive dad after all that blackwatch shitD: what would never work with canon but the canon is shit so I believe it anyway -[this cant work canonically bcause reaper is in talon but. u know] reaper really feels for d.va and hates that she had to be dragged into war at such a young age, and he can tell that a lot of her actions [IE treating the fighting as like a video game instead of serious] are done as a sort of coping mechanism, he tries to at least be kind to her from a distance at first and eventually they strike up some sort of familial relationship

#as u can see. found family is the shit #overwatch / #asks #ask meme / #abuse / #family / #fathers / #text heavy / #long post / #ask to tag / #Anonymous #tf2 posts

[deadtower]

my heart is breaking bc i feel like a bad jew for not knowing half the shit jewish-raised jews do lmao

i hate my mother so fucking much for raising us mostly christian With Some Jew For Flavor and i hate christians and i hate that we were made to assimilate so much and i hate that my mother was in on it and i hate that i barely know hebrew and have to teach myself and i hate that my mom appropriated her own culture which yes she absolutely did because she apostasized herself. she rejected judaism and went to christianity and when she wanted to put judaism on For Fun and Brownie Points she did but she didnt fucking care. she only cared because she saw me caring so much about it.

i dont know if my mommom apostasized too bc after all she did go to church and im sure counted herself christian but she was born jewish and she looked jewish her whole life and my mom looks jewish and i just

am so angry, at my family, for apostasizing

i love this culture and i love my people and i love our practices and traditions and i love being a jew, i love it so much

anyway all that aside i am really considering moving to israel where i’m surrounded by my own ethnicity constantly and this stuff is p much expected of everyone who lives there. i feel such a connection to it, like it’s home even though i’ve never been there, which makes sense bc of the diaspora, and i’m so happy we have our own place to return to, and i really am fucking thinking about using the law of return once my hebrew is fluent and my observance is enough i wont end up fucking embarrassing myself

i love being jewish so so so so so much and i think im like the only one in my family who does or ever did aside from my mommom’s mom and possibly grandmother since every-fucking-one else in the family is either atheist, non-denominational christian, or protestant

i mean even my mommom’s brother changed his jewish name, kalman, to his middle name, andrew, prob bc he hated having a noticeably jewish name so much lmao. which would make sense bc he changed it probably around 1950 or so when he was old enough like you can’t tell me he changed it bc of a reason other than the stigma that came with it, in that time period, or else he wouldn’t have bothered just changing it to his middle name. which btw i’m named after kalman, that’s why my middle name is andrew, and i didnt even know kalman was still alive in 2011, i could have gone to see him and i didnt bc my family is so fucking broken and no one fucking talks to each other and i was excommunicated from half my own family bc my mother is such a fucking piece of work

im just sick and fucking tired of people in my family being ashamed of being jewish, im sick of my own fucking family trying to assimilate our jewishness out of us and convert everyone they can get their christian fingers on. im sick of it. i hate being the one that has to restart our jewishness, i love being jewish and i love how into it i am, but i fucking hate that i had to start so late because no one in this fucking family wants to be a jew.

im just fucking tired and i want to leave this family for good and if any of them think im marrying a fucking christian they have another thing coming bc my ass isn’t settling down with anyone who is part of that murdering, brainwashing, evil fucking religion.

#like if you read / #me fucking having a breakdown about my jewishness #the first of many im sure #religion / #for christianity in it #but mostly me ragging on christianity bc i fucking hate it #they told me in church my whole life you can never stop being a christian once you are one #and i fucking hope to g-d thats not true because i hate this fucking religion #i dont want it anymore i refuse to be associated with something that robbed me of my own ethnicity #not just personally but as a generalized statement re: my fellow jews #anyway. #i cant say im too upset w kalman though i just. am moderately upset but #i know why he had to do it if that truly is the reason #i cant claim to know what his life was like in the late 1940s/early 1950s so

[rosekun25]

Fourteen Reasons why.

 April 9th, 2017

Dear Tumblr Diary, 

I’m watching “Thirteen Reasons Why.” 

I haven’t read the books since middle school. But my cousin from my Dad’s side of the family sent me the book I think a year ago.  Life always has a way of foreshadowing. I swear it does.

Anyway I’m reading the book too, putting off getting my food handler’s card because fuck that shit. 

Anyway Im watching this and its kind of triggering. I havent watched the part where she kills herself but I imagine I’ve seen worse. 

There’s a video I’ve seen Here’s a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_PdYb0EL-Y

Anyway so far that part has hit me the most. 

I mean, It has. After I got out of the hospital nobody asked me if I was okay. I had to lie. I lied about everything so I wouldnt get sent away longer than they needed me to be away. 

I lied and said It was because I missed my great grandma instead of telling them it was because my world had shattered and nobody could hurt me anymore. 

I lied about the pills. I took 96. Well thats now many were in the bottle. I told them I didnt know how many I’d taken. I just lied lied lied lied lied. I didnt tell anybody why I did it. 

aTLEAST Until they couldnt send me away anymore. 

So here are fourteen reasons why I wanted to kill myself 

14. I felt like I’d do it sooner or later. 

I mean it was really weird. I’ve had depression for most of my earlier childhood. I remember not thinking I’d make it to 20. But here I am. I remember wanting to get married and have children but I didn’t actually think I would live long enough to actually do it. I mean I didn’t think I’d finish High School. 

13. I wasn’t beautiful. 

At least I didn’t think I was. I thought pretty girls were 100 pounds, blonde and didn’t have to worry about anything except which husband they wanted.  I guess I was sort of insecure. But not in the sense that I thought I was ugly. Just in the sense that I wasnt  beautiful. 

12. I was starving myself.

Well I don’t really remember this part. I just remember I was really really hungry. The doctors there said I hadn’t eaten for a month. But Im not sure that’s accurate. I mean I must have eaten at some point. I remember I drank tea.  But anyway. I guess i was displaying “Anorexic tenancies” or whatever I was half asleep I didn’t listen.

11. I wanted to die. (duh)

But it wasn’t in the sense of me actually wanting to die.  I mean when you’re young you learn about the circle of life, you watch ‘Lion King.’ Mufasa dies and you learn you wont be around for ever. I guess I just ’ wanted to hurry up and do what I was supposed to. 

10. At the time, my life sucked dick. 

I remember it. I was horribly depressed and doing my best to hide it. I remember I wanted nothing more than to just be held like a baby and told everything was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. There was a point in my life where I kept everything to myself. Everything. Even stupid shit like “Where do you want to eat?” or “Are you hungry?”. I just felt like I had to. Keep everyone safe, dont let anybody know you’re suffering sort of thing. 

Anyway my life sucked dick, because I was always hungry never sleeping and I was overworked. I also was verbally abused at my job. To the point where I would want to cry whenever I walked in the store. But more on that some other time. 

I also hated T or  C. If Im going back there. Im going back in a body bag. 

My Home life also sucked dick. I remember not having hotwater in the bathroom. I remember being cold every night because they refused to pay more money to turn up the thermostat. If I wasnt cold. I was so Hot. There were ants everywhere. On my clothes. In the kitchen. EVERYWHERE. I wasnt allowed to leave my house either. I couldnt just get up and go I wasnt allowed to leave except for school and work. I couldnt leave and it drove me fucking mad.  I didnt have much food to eat, If there was food it was all gobbled up by my fat ass Grandfather who liked to steal my things. I still dont know what he did with most of it. The dryer didnt work either so I’d have to go to school in wet clothes that were freezing. I hated it. Oh and not to mention every morning I’d wake up to screaming. Always screaming. Nobody could ever say “Good Morning Rose, you’ve to wake up now.” No. They were too busy screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, 

9. I was so tired of everything. 

I was. Really. I still kind of am. Im tired of having to work all the time and having no money. I was tired of waking up every day and going to a school. I feel like I would have liked school better if I didnt have to wake up early and put up with all of that bullshit. 

The bullshit I am tired of here has literally went from 95% to maybe about 15%  Professors are honest with me, My coworkers all do their jobs and I dont get in trouble if they don’t. Really Imagine, getting in trouble because one of your coworkers didnt do their job right. 

The only bullshit I have to deal with is making sure I have enough hours. Which if you ask me isnt a biggie, also I make enough to take care of myself. Which is a lot better than where I was before. 

8. I was going insane. 

Now I know what you’re thinking “Omg, yeah sure whatever Rose. Everybody on Facebook likes to pretend they’re crazy for attention, Change your picture to Joker and Harley just to add edginess. 

But no. It was stuff I dont want to dicuss with you. I had horrible dreams and I wanted to do some horrible things. In a way, I honestly thought if I killed myself I would save everyone.  I still dont remember what I wanted to save them from. 

7. I didnt have any friends. 

Now again I know what you’re thinking, “This bitch is tripping. She won Homecoming Duchess and Princess at the last dance!” (  Side Note: I also went on to win Prom Queen. But Everybody voted for me because I wasn’t allowed to run for homecoming queen because I tried to kill myself in the Bathroom.) 

I didnt have a Best friend. I didnt have somebody who hung out with me or came to my house specifically to play with me. I worked too much or somebody who ate lunch with me because they wanted to and not because I’d integrated into their little group because one of the members felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend again. 

I knew a lot of people. But I was fiery, Passionate and emotional. People were afraid of that. Either that, or they didnt care enough to try and understand it. 

6. I was suffering from an unDiagnosed Mental illness 

It was Borderline Personality Disorder.  It was making me crazy. 

I still dont understand what it means. 

I know it means. 

But I dont understand it. 

5. I missed my Daddy. 

There. I said it. I FUCKING SAID IT. 

In my family, I was supposed to pretend he didnt exist. We all were. We didnt have Dads. We were just born. You know i didnt accept my Step Dad until My Dad stopped coming to see me. But what does that matter? I mean I wasNT  A BOY. HE DIDNT FUCKING WANT A GIRL. HE PROBABLY HAS 80 BILLION FUCKING DAUGHTERS! HE DOESNT NEED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!

But how am I going to forget the man who hated it when I cried? The man who bought me all of these presents because he knew he was never going to see me ever again. The man who bought me my first Barbie Car, my Hamtaro doll and my pretty Amethyst Birth Stone Barbie. All because he fucking knew he was never going to see me again. 

I havent seen him since I was two.  But I remember waking up in my hospital bed with Leslie telling him he had to talk to me because the doctors said they didnt know if I’d make it. I heard my auntie tell him in spanish and then he said “I dont talk to anyone who isnt blood.” and I wished I would have died again and again and again. 

4. I wasnt afraid to die. 

I mean honestly who is? Im Catholic now. I understand its the circle of life. Ive seen Lion King. But I honestly wasnt afraid to die. 

Here’s my philosphy on Religion and Death and everything 

If you’re a buddist and you die. You go do Buddist stuff. Buddist heaven, Buddist Hell. 

If you’re Jewish and you die. You go to Jewish Heaven because there isnt a hell. 

I know in church they tell you not to believe in other gods. But God mentions in the Holy Bible several times. So Meh. 

But I wasnt afraid to die. Im pretty sure my life had been clean and the only sins I really had were Hating my parents and Premarital sex. God wouldnt send me to hell for that. So I thought I’d go to heaven and party with Kurt Cobain

Because when a kid with Cancer dies, God doesnt send them to hell for dying of Cancer. So why would he send me to hell for succumbing to my depression? 

I mean atleast even if He was the God I think he is. 

3. By this point I was honestly sure nobody cared. 

The English teacher who carried me to the ambulance cared. I’m sure of that. 

But I mean nobody cared. I remember coming home to no food in the refrigerator and thinking “Oh well they’re making it easier for me now.” I remember nobody ever asking how I was.  I remember feeling numb I remember waking up that morning and deciding I was going to give life one last Chance. I’d missed the bus that morning and I had to call my  Grandmère to give me a ride to school because My Mother wouldnt teach me how to drive because she didnt want me to run off with my boyfriend and be happy. 

Because I guess bragging rights about your kids going to college are more important than your kids actually being happy. I’ll remember that when I have kids. If I live to have kids at least. 

Anyway I remember forgetting to take the pills out of my backpack. Im sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where I did take them out of my backpack and I just went home early that day instead of killing myself in the bathroom. But hey what about the alternate universe where Hitler cured Cancer?

Nobody cared. Thats the point. Obviously if nobody noticed I was starving myself. If nobody noticed any of the signs that I displayed. 

But of course they all showed up to the hospital and cried crocodile tears. Then they yelled at me again as soon as I woke up. 

2. My life was over. 

“But you were accepted into NMSU! You were graduating Highschool! You had your whole life ahead of you!!!”

Did anybody ever think for just a second that I didnt want any of that? Honestly! Everybody was so proud. Nobody stopped and asked me if thats what I wanted to do. Because it sure as hell wasnt. I didnt want to go to college. Twelve fucking years of a system that made me kill myself in the Bathroom and you wanted me to do  eight more years?!  I wanted to get married and have babies. But I had to. You understand. I had to. I couldnt be like my sister. I couldnt stay in Highschool forever. I had to go to school because Men are useless now and I couldnt just get married out of highschool because as soon as they leave you’re going to need to take care of yourself! But I didnt want that. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids. 

1. Chance left.

Honestly this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could see it coming though. Yeah, I made fake accounts to try and talk to him. Yeah I was a thirsty hoe (Symptom of BPD btw). Yeah I kind of texted him until right before I did it. I mean I was 18 of course I was obsessed. He cared. He would kiss me goodnight, He would try to get me to eat but I never would. I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted him to love me. He did for a moment. You know love is like a drug, A drug that makes you happy every day of your life. Even if all you do is fight. Maybe its because I’d never loved anybody before him. Not even my Mother.  When I lost that happy bubbly warmth. I wanted it back. I was so desperate to get it back. I didnt notice. I didnt notice all the terrible things that happened. I looked over all of the mean words, and abusive flags. None of those mattered, as long as I got that feeling of being warm, loved, safe, and protected. Because it made me want to live. If I couldnt live. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and be with that feeling forever. 

Maybe things would have changed if I had realize what a fucking scum bag he was earlier. 

Am I still Suicidal? Yes.

You cant turn it on/off contrary to the belief of everyone around me. I’ve been suicidal since I was a little girl. But will I do it again? I cant promise I wont.  

 Fourteen Reasons why  I want to live. 

14. I’m happy now. 

I dont know if I could consider this as happy as I want to be, I mean Im still single. I have no children. But I’m happy. I dont have all the money in the world but I can go get Starbucks. I can go out and eat If I want to and that makes me so happy. It makes me so happy to have access to food. 

13. I love my apartment. 

I love my apartment. I love everything about it. I do. Except the rent payment lol. I love that I can literally do whatever I want in this little one bedroom place. I love it. I love keeping it clean, I love putting up whatever I want on the walls and I love love love it so much. Im so warm and happy and there is always food here. 

12. I love where I live. 

I love my town. Its big, its bright and i can get whatever I need to. I can go to walmart again whenever I want and I dont have to beg anybody to take me through the drive through or pay anybody to take me to the mall. I can go see movies and see the world. I love the world. I love the grass and the trees and the warmth of the sun. I can sit on my porch for hours, I can watch the rain, I can go outside. I CAN GO OUTSIDE!!!! 

11. I love being free. My freedom is my most precious possession, I don't want to die if I can be free. 

 10. I don't want to die until I find that person. My whole life I've been told There's a soul mate for everyone. When I think about suicide. I think about being dead, in a way, Death was freedom for me. But part of me doesn't want to leave that person alone. I can't. If He was made for me . Then he's like ME and if he is then I don't want to leave him alone. 

9. I have food. 

I know what you’re thinking “Whatever, I have a frozen Dinner in the fridge. Does that make me not suicidal?”

I have food to eat. Like I do. I dont have to scrounge around my house for a packet of Ramen or hiding a can of soup under my bed and praying it would be there when I woke up. I can wake up and eat whatever I want. I can make dinner and sometimes I just stare at all of the food in my refrigerator and smile. 

Side note, It’s now May 12th, school is over. Im trying really hard to finish this. It’s triggering. Like, Hannah Baker, Everything she does. I can see myself in her.  I could deal with the books. I could deal with the books because I had borrowed my friend’s book and typed the alternate ending and stuck it in my book. I visualized it in my own way. Now seeing it. It’s triggering. Did anybody notice? Did anybody try to? 

What about when I did it? Did anybody think? Did anybody try and look after me. I mean nobody noticed me stop eating so I doubt anybody noticed me writing wills in my psychology class, or me writing my suicide note over and over again. 

The final draft only had a few words by the way and nobody read it. 

They didnt even read the instructions I left for them incase I survived and had to go to the hospital which is why I had to wear the same clothes I wore when i did it. Which absolutely sucked. But i was glad I was getting out of the mental hospital, so there’s that. 

I still dont understand why shit like this cant happen in real life. I dont understand how people can make people suffer so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer.

This is really hard to write. I have to think of reasons I want to live instead of reasons I want to die. That’s hard. I want to die. Im so sick of this. But I dont want to die. I want to live.  

In a sense, I really feel like Hannah Baker. Because She wanted to live, she wanted life and happiness but she just dies at the end. I wonder if that will happen to me? 

I’ve had people ask me if Im sure I should even be watching a show like this. But I have to. I have to finish it. 

I read the book I know what happens. But I have to finish it for myself. 

8. Kingdom Hearts III will come out (Eventually) 

I have found joy in video games once again. I mean. Ive always loved video games. But I was playing South Park Stick of Truth again and I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted to... I wanted to play it so much. 

I’m sure they have video games in heaven but i wonder do they have midnight release parties? Do they have endings that arent perfect?  

Im sure they do. But being alive for them is different. 

Eventually though. Kingdom Hearts III will come out. Eventually.  Ill get to play it. Maybe Ill get to play it with my grandchildren and teach them about Sora, and Kairi, and Riku. 

7. I want to be a Mother. 

Thats all I’ve ever wanted in life. Really. I just want to hold my baby and raise her/him. I dont want them to have to come home and wonder if there’s food to eat, or if the house is going to be warm or when Mom is going to come home.

I want to have children and teach them and give them love and warmth and make them safe and give them everything I never had in life.  Like love, and chances. Chances to make something of themselves in a way I never could. 

6. I want to live to be an annual passholder at Disney 

I mean I’ve been to Disneyland Nineteen times and this summer it will be 20.  But I want to be able to wake up one day, have the day off from work and ask my kids if they want to go to Disneyland instead of school. I want to go there and have a great time and not have to worry about school or work or depression or anything.

5. I really want to do my bucket list. 

I mean there’s lots of cool stuff on it. But I’m sure they have most of that in heaven. But  I want to do it before I die. Like I want to visit Euro Disney in person and hang out in France. I want to walk up and realize I’m going to see the Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I want to be able to tell everybody about what I’ve done and inspire them to do the same thing.

(Update: It’s June now. I have to finish it. I had to stop. It was getting bad again. Really bad. I’m ready now. I really am.)

4. I want to get married.

Honestly thats been my life goal since I was a baby. That and being a ballerina but appertanly my dreams dont matter enough for us to stay in a place I could actually achieve them. I want to have a big fancy wedding which will probably dumb down to me getting married at the court house which I am totally fine with. As long as I am officially married and we honeymoon at Disney. 

Jesus Chirst I cant do this. I really cant. I fucking cant. . .  Why? WHY am I here? Why did I live? It’s fucking impossible did you know that? Am I still alive? Am I dead? I wont fucking know! I’m so much happier now! I really am. But I cant do this. I fucking cant. Why? Why am I alive? Why did I live? SO I could pay bills for the rest of my life? I hate being broke. I hate not having any money. I spent 20 dollars today to go out to lunch and that was a luxury. I couldnt afford that. Especially with all these bills. Why? Why is it so expensive to live in a 3rd world country with Iphones? Why? I dont have a car I have to ride the bus everywhere and spend a billion dollars on fucking everything. WHY? Why? I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to be mad at myself for going to the mall and spening 11 dollars. ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS! I bought a keychain today. I bought a keychain today and I wasnt supposed to do that!  I love my apartment, I love it, I wont leave it unless I’m in a body bag or leaving with my husband, But i dont understand WHY?! Why? Why do they want everything I have? Everybody just wants money. Everything is just money money money money, do I Have enough? WIll it last? Will I be able to do something with it? Why do you want all of my money? I can barley afford to live and everybody wants to make it fucking harder than it already is!!!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I really want to die. But i really want to live. I really want to live. But i cant live. 

3. I want friends. . .

I want best friends. I want the kind of friends where you all can just hang out together and do stupid shit. I want inside joke kind of friends, I want the sort of friends that make fun of you but you know they dont mean it. I want a specific place for us to hang out and laugh and live. 

2. I want to be infinite. 

I dont mean immortal. I mean I want to do things. I want freedom. People have freedom given to them while others have to fight for it. I want to take a roadtrip. I want to eat at gas stations with somebody and travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the world but i’ve been locked up in this FUCKING TOWER for so long and now i’m afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to live because I’ve never been able to live before! Why are people born free when I could not leave my house to get the mail? 

1. I want to experience love. 

I have never loved anybody. For a moment, I thought I loved Chance. But I realized, you cant love somebody who has never loved you. So i didnt love my Mother, or My sisters and brothers or my grandparents. That wasnt love. It was forced affection. Because when you love somebody you make sure they’re in the car before driving away and asking if they are. If you love someone you dont kick them out of your car. If you love somebody you offer to take them home instead of letting them sit in 32 degrees watching their spit freeze, while you let your family treat them like shit just like you did. 

But I want to experience love. All kinds of love. I want to know why people like it so much and why the feeling is so euphoric. I want to be held and treated like I am a treasure. Like I am worth something. 

Is that love? I will find out one day. I want this. Even if its the only thing I will have. I want it. 

~

I’m on the second to last episode now, 

I wonder if the author wanted us to feel bad for people we’ve slut shamed.  I wonder if we’re supposed to think about it that way. 

I dont know about you but I hate fake people who pretend they’ve killed themselves.  I mean I know its a cry for help. But I wish they would go and talk to somebody instead of insisting they sliced their wrists 80 times and got sent to the ER even though their wrists are scarless and havent look liked they were cut ever. 

My therapist once sent me to the ER because I told her I was feeling suicidial. 

I thought that was utter bullshit. 

Because all I had learned to do was lie. 

Why are you suicidal honey? *Sniff* My greAT Gran died and I miss her so much and I wish I could talk to her and hug her. Oh baby it’s gonna be okay, Derek she’s not suicidal get her out of here. 

See? Then at my next therapy session I had to lie to her and tell her I wasnt suicidal. Which was another lie. 

Anybody who has ever asked me about my Great Grandma Elisa knows I hated going to her house and I didnt like her. I’ve never liked her. She was so mean to me. She really was. 

But i cant say I cried crocodile tears at her funeral. Or when They woke me up and told me she wasnt breathing and I knew she was dead, and I cried in my sleep. Something I didnt do, and didnt start doing until it was getting really bad again. 

Isnt that funny though? How i learned to just lie to everybody instead of telling the truth? 

~

I’m on the last episode now. 

I cant make you believe how many times I had to stop this and step away for a moment. 

It was honestly too realistic. 

Like just the things she said 

“I decided to give life one more chance.” 

I remember thinking the exact same thing. 

and watching it blow it. 

Thats always how my emotions have been. 

Hannah is stealing razors now.

I remember the day I bought the sleeping pills specifically to kill myself.

I didnt tell my Mom that. I told her I was having trouble sleeping which was true. 

I remember telling kids I thought I was taking too much.

I remember pouring handfuls into my own hand and just staring at them. I thought they were really pretty.  

I remember sleeping in class because I’d take too many on purpose. 

I remember hanging up on 911 

I remember calling my ex boyfriend. 

I wondered what would happen if he would have answered. I really do. 

Probably nothing, 

I still would have done it. 

I remember swallowing handful after handful. 

I remember being carried to the office and hearing your voice in my head. 

I remember dying and being at peace.

I remember waking up and screaming and crying.

Because honestly. Suicide doesnt hurt. No. aside from me not being able to eat for a couple weeks without throwing up, or choking up tablets everytime I tried to take a pill. 

What hurt was waiting. I waited for life to get better. 

It didn’t.  

Hannah baker is going to slit her wrists,

I’m mad. This isnt the way it happened in the books. She swallowed pills.

ItsnotrealRosemaryitsnotrealItsnotevenhowithappendinthebooks

This is triggering. 

I reserve the right to skip this part.

I cant breathe. 

Okay, Okay. 

I dont fucking get why people say this show glorifies suicide. We are literally watching a girl die. The worst part is this is how actual people have done it. Oh my god. Oh my god there’s so much blood. 

Her parents, Oh my god. Okay that was so fake.

American Horror story did a better job. 

Which is probably why it kept me from killing myself. I watched Violet do it and it scared me. It scared me so I didnt do it. 

You know when I first read the books I guess I was really confused because I thought Mr Porter raped Hannah. I was like in 8th grade. 

Okay so Hannah Baker is still dead. The episode is over. 

How are they going to do season 2? 

I mean Tyler is Obviously going to shoot up the school and Alex tried to off himself. It’s Obvious Alex isnt going to die.  It’s Obvious Tyler isnt going to kill him. 

~

I liked watching this. 

I mean aside from it taking me two months to finish because,  well it kind of was triggering.

Side note:

I am not contemplating suicide please do not message me or call the cops. 

Also for anybody who is. 

National Suicide Prevention LifelineCall 

1-800-273-8255

#13 reasons why #rw Fabulous #Rosekun25 13rw Suicide notFabulous #SaySomething ClayxHannnah 13RW Savealife

[latinalesbi]

Stefs hair is awesome I mean she looks so butch and it's so hot I love how they have styled it this half of the season

I love the style. I knew it was longer, so I feared it wouldn’t look good. But the stylist is on point, we don’t need to worry if Teri’s delayed in getting it trimmed. Stef is so hot, I just love looking at her.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Of Stef and Lena had been where they are now when the whole monte thing started do you think that kiss would have happened or if it had had happened Lena wouldn't have kept it from Stef?

No, not at all. I mean Lena liked the attention because Stef wasn’t giving it to her. One of the first things that happens when things start to change is that Stef cries on Lena’s shoulder. And she says, I just wanted to see you. I think one of the most important parts of being in a relationship is feeling needed. You have to feel like your partner will turn to you for support. It’s so important. In short, no Monte would not have been able to get that close.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I always think that Stef would top Lena. With her being more butch and that but seeing Lena top Stef in 0410 and in 0203 is hot stuff             

Yep, that’s why I don’t write it with one always on top. I think for them, it’s dynamic and depends on the circumstances.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Do you think Lena knew Stef was a cop right away?             

I imagine she knew fairly quickly. The position she was at school would sort of lend itself to that knowledge. So if she didn’t find out the first day, she found out fairly quickly.

Anonymous said:                                                                      The twins actually wouldn't have been in foster care long. We know their last Christmas was with their Mom when they were 5. Lena said they fost-adopted the twins when they were 5 and Brandon told Court that they adopted the twins when they were 6 and he was 7. Now, they've screwed with the timeline a lot but they seem to have settled on the twins being with them when they were 5. I don't think it was until the Christmas episode until we found out the twins with with Ana until they were 5 too.             

We don’t really know. We know they were with her for Christmas but do we really know they weren’t moved around before that? (And I could be wrong because I never really rewatch anything but Stef and Lena). I know they came right out of a foster home when Stef met them. I have heard nothing to believe that they left Stef and Lena’s home after they arrived.

My experience with foster care is that they don’t take them away permanently at first. So I would imagine that they had been taken away from Ana before and returned. We literally don’t know. Here’s what we do know, they weren’t being raised. They were neglected in god knows what ways before that. And we know Ana was excommunicated from her home before the twins arrived. So they were exposed to her family’s culture.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Callie hugged Stef two times this half season but not Lena :(

You can’t be surprised by this. The fandom as a whole prefers that relationship. I like it when they mix it up. I still think Callie needs Lena.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I don't know what it is but there's seems to be something so off when it comes to Sherri and Kamar. He gives off such a weird vibe to me. I saw them on OLTL so it's not Teri that's messing up their vibe for me & this is a thought completely unrelated to her.  Their relationship just feels platonic & not couply. & he gives off an extremely self-centered vibe. Not in a narcissistic way but he definitely thinks very highly of himself. Just my opinion though. What do you think?

I don’t know Kamar, so basically all I know of him comes from their social media and from press photos. When he’s posing pictures with her, he doesn’t come off as a very warm person. He seems to be more about himself and the publicity. I have only seen one clip of them from OLTL (really only to get a comparison for Sherri’s style of kissing). The social media stuff, he seems focused on the boys. However, they’ve been married a long time so they must be real close or they’re focused on their family. Hollywood makes for volatile relationships.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I'm worried that Robert getting custody of Callie will happen. Like I won't be surprised if they do it like that because they want Brandon and Callie to hook up again (yikes)          

Look, Callie and the moms are the angsty relationship of the show, will they, won’t they. Robert is an external threat being wielded again. I wish they wouldn’t. I fear a cliffhanger but I don’t have a single doubt that this show ends up with Callie as their daughter.  They have brought up Robert’s money and privilege, and I don’t see the writers letting that win. I don’t.

Anonymous said:                                                                      What Lena and Stef outfits are your favorite?

I made a whole post about this. Let me link you:

First Stef, then scroll for Lena

  Anonymous said:                                                                      Do you think Frankie's death was necessary to the plot of the show?

No, I never think death is necessary on a show. I know they didn’t want a baby on set all the time, so they did what they had to do. I still hate that Ana has a baby and Lena doesn’t. Life isn’t fucking fair.

Anonymous said:                                                                      what does ur url mean             

hell yeah adamfoster. When I started my blog, there was a hellyeahstefandlena account and I kinda copied them when the few active fans decided adamsfoster would be a good tag for the ship.

Here comes all the OT questions, I deleted a few: 

  Anonymous said:                                                                      How do we know that Brandon's ex Cortney is white though? Like the actress is mexican so her character could be a WoC, from what I know they never stated Cortney's ethnicity so we shouldn't just assume she's white.             

The actress has nothing to with character. The fosters is not shy about race and so we don’t have to guess, even about ethnicity. For instance, with one small comment we know Emma is Jewish. If they wanted us to think Cortney was Latina, we would know and same for the following question.

Anonymous said:                                                                      Mike is clearly a person of color, so why wouldnt his biological son be half of whatever Mike is?             

Whatever in the fuck? Mike is a white man. I know another fandom has had a meltdown over an Italian playing a Latina, so let me tell you, it’s not the same thing at all. Just because a man is dark doesn’t mean he’s a man of color. Anyway, just as the above, if the show wanted us to think that, they would tell us. One time, a witness who ID’ed Mike mentioned he looked Mexican or Italian. That’s where many have gotten that idea, but he’s not.

  Anonymous said:                                                                      what's with all this silly debate about B's ethnicity? he is entitled because of his upbringing, not because of his race. B has always been in a stable (barring mike's alcoholism) and loving household. cal and jude, however, have not, and were profoundly abused emotionally, physically, and sexually while in the system. cal and jude are white. all this white privilege "it's cause he's white" rhetoric makes the fandom sound racist.             

While true, both things influence Brandon. His white race has kept him from encountering the same problems as someone like AJ. There’s a difference. So he doesn’t know how nice he has it. He has had stability at home and in society.

Interesting that you bring up Callie and Jude. Jude has a more nuanced experience because he’s gay and a foster kid. He still has white privilege. Someone pointed out that in the premiere we see a cop wanting to make sure that Jesus is interviewed for assaulting Nick, yet two white boys are seen breaking and entering into a boat to smoke weed and make out and yet they get to run away laughing and giggling as if nothing happened. Do you think if Jude had been black he would have even been allowed near the boat? Do you think the cops would have been looking for him if he had gotten to the boat itself? I think the situation would have been very different.

Callie supposedly meets a version of herself, introduced to her through Stef. I think she’s played by a black girl, and it will be interesting if she sees someone who has had it worse than her and has a positive attitude. I am interested in the parallels. Callie’s problems are often her own doing and she loves throwing pity parties. And maybe she does it because she knows she has 2 moms that will fight for her and a rich white daddy who will come to her rescue.

And people can be prejudiced against white people but not racist. Racism requires institutional power which people of color do not have.

Anonymous said:                                                                      how do you feel about jude's relatiomship with noah? i think hes problematic but he makes him very happy so im condflicted

Don’t like Noah, don’t like Jude with Noah.

 Anonymous said:                                                                      i really like emma and jesus as a couple as noah playing jesus. i feel like she and jake didnt have as much onscreen chemistry

I am not in love with new Jesus. I liked it better when he was more latino (-Gabe) and played by a latino. By that token, I liked Lexi and OldJesus much better than anything I’ve seen on that front.

Anonymous said:                                                                      How do you feel about Ana and Isabella moving in with Mike?             

Train wreck. But you shippers feel safe, I am sure the writers think it’s cute. I think it’s creepy. He wanted to kill her and she framed him for murder. Yeah, people grow and all but I’d like for them to talk about that. Strike that, I don’t want them talking because I don’t want them taking up air time.

Anonymous said:                                                                      I really hope Callie tells someone about what happen with that guard. I prefer it to be one of the moms or AJ. I'm sure she wad scared but had to stay strong and calm at the moment.

Who knows? Police corruption is a theme this season. However, at this point, I will take this as a plot device for Callie to want to fight this all the way to trial. Much like that time they put in her in foster care for a night as a plot device to get her to look for her father.

#sorry for the delay #been busy #Anonymous

[myinnerletters]

Covid 19 Ramblings.

28.04.20

Wtf. i dont even really know where to start with all of this, because I feel a million waves and thoughts of overwhelmed. It’s in my chest and in my heart and it feels like drowning, and suffocating and not being enough.

Never enough. Nothing’s ever enough. Career. Life. Friends. It’s all never enough. i dont know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to feel them without feeling like I’m a crazy person, a feeling and a habit taught at 16 years old. Any emotion feels out of control. Feels like i’m spiralling out. I feel like im mourning for the life i had, and i’m scared i’ll never be able to return to the things that once bought me joy. WIll I ever be able to perform my show again? will there be space for the arts again? The world feels scary, and it feels like it’s cut out for the rich, conservative, like minded people who don’t like individuality and don’t want people thinking for themselves or standing up for themselves. I know there are signs for hope everywhere but i dont feel hope. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel lonely. I feel like a pain in everyones way, and that no one cares about me. I know this is dramatic, and like a teenager thing to write.

So many people i know value their partners, they are their everything. For me, my friends were my everything. But when it comes down to it, i don’t think i matter or mean anything to them. People say so, but i think thats because i’m good at making people feel good. I’m a rock. 

Juliet wanted to talk about her mother and then she wrote a piece and asked me to read it. And the suffocating rose up in me, and i had to listen to music to drown out the silence. And i realised in that moment, that I need noise. I need distracting. Silence for me is as good as being ignored. Silence is someone hating you, someone saying they are done with you, pretending you are not important to them. And then Juliet tried to psychoanalyse me and tell me that i needed to feel that emotion, but i dont need her to tell me that when i’ve spent the last six years deeply unpacking it all.

I feel like i’m in the way. I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is. I know mum always says i know what i want but i feel so jaded now, so over it, so full of doubt and self criticism. Like my dreams and my realities cant happen. Like i dont have the same energy to pursue the things that i once thought mattered so much. Who am i if none of this matters anymore? Why do i do what i do?

And then theres the matter of dating. And the fact that, I dated an asshole last year who got me to open up. Who made me feel like I could finally cut the bullshit and have an adult relationship, something i despise that i’ve wanted. He was such a dick, constantly nitpicking me, constantly making “jokes���, constantly trying to put me down. Why? I know I never really fit the jewish school mould, but that’s fine. That’s never been me. Why did he despise my difference and think it strange and weird and want to change it. Why was i weird, and say weird things, and not as mature as him - because i chose the arts and because i was kooky? i dont think I’ll ever understand.

But now i’m so guarded. I’m so over it. I’m so ... cold? a bitch. just a bitch. I like cant handle a joke, a guy teases me and I start to get defensive. Why am i being a sarcastic bitch. Why am i pushing them away and then being like surprised when they do. Why do i keep picking assholes, expecting them to be different.

I feel like i’ve always felt like I knew these truths about me that no one else knew. The “i’m not talented” and “i’m cursed” and somehwere deep down “i’m destined for great things”. I’ve told myself for so long that I am cursed, that i dont deserve the good things, that theres no one out there for me, and that this pattern will keep continuing. 

Pre covid, i was really starting to get into the groove and making some good decisions for my life. I didn’t feel the need to search for love, I was investing the time in myself. Now i’m seperated from my friends and family, I miss everyone so much and I feel so alone. Rebecca can go to a beach house, jacqui can go shelter with her boyfriend. And then im left alone here, with a cat, crying for an entire week because my PMS is so bad and then i fear the gynaecologist gas lighting me and men gashlighting me and its a spiral.

Tonight i stopped messaging people, i felt so shit about myself. Told myself no one cared about me. Told myself they didnt care and found me annoying. I always feel that way. That people think im annoying. That i’m in the way. That i’m a nuisance. And i hang out with rebecca and its fun, and then i come up here into my room and cry again and feel uncertain and overwhelemed and like i’ll never be able to achieve anything again, and that my world as I’ve known it is over for good and theres no way forward.

It feels like giving up. It feels like constantly giving up. It feels like no energy and no motivation and no inspiration because there’s no end date in sight. I wish i could go back even to January, to hobart which was both so hard and sad and so full of joy. I wish i could hug my family a little closer when i saw them in feb, i wish i hadnt made mum feel like shit. I wish i could hug each and every one of my friends more and stayed present instead of worryign about a future that is literally on pause. I wish i had gone out more before. I wish I had lived instead of living my life according to rules i put in place in my head to tick off and complete for success. I wish i’d enjoyed my time on stage and not seeked out an award nomination for validation on my craft. I wish everything back then hadn’t felt like nothing and not enough, cause now when nothing is happening, those things feel like the world and I wish i could have lived in those warm moments of joy and excitement, instead of telling myself that they werent enough and that i had to strive harder for more. I miss the simple things the most now. I’m so sad thinking about all the things I miss. I miss my family so much. I’m worried so much about them. I wish things could kind of go back. Not to the world we were living because that didn’t work. But i wish i could go back and enjoy my life because I miss it all.