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bitchinbarzal · 7 months

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ivy and the “i’m sixteen i’m basically an adult” argument where she “runs away” for a brief period and mat and her mom are just calling every single person on the island they know until the phone rings and it’s like beau or anders saying that ivy is asleep on their couch

You all got into a big back and forth and Ivy walked out of the house.

You assumed she’d just gone to school in a mood. She usually walked to school so it wasn’t a big deal.

You’d gone to work in Jersey while Mat had to travel to Philadelphia for a game.

You had a game against Vancouver at Prudential that night so your nanny, Jessie was supposed to watch the kids until you got home.

She’d picked Bailey and Wyatt up from school, Ryder got the bus and usually Ivy would make her way home after studying at a friends so it wasn’t until a little after six when Ivy hadn’t come home that she began worrying.

It then wasn’t until seven, a few phone calls to Ivy and her friends without answer that Jessie called you.

The game had already started, you were stressed and texting Ivy

call me right now.

ivy im not joking around CALL ME!

ives if this is about this morning, we can talk about it. we’re not going to be angry please just call someone — me, jessie, dad anyone

ivy I love you but I am at work right now and so is dad I’m actually begging you not to do this right now.

All the texts were not responded to. It wasn’t until the second period break you began crying, pacing down the corridor and calling everyone you could.

“Hey, y/n what’s up? Why are you crying?” Beau’s voice carried down the corridor and you looked up at him with a tear stained face “Ivy’s ran away ”

“Ok, just calm we’ll go find her after the game ok?”

You left then, telling everyone you had to go look for her. Mat had called you after hearing all of your voicemails, rushing his way home.

After hours of calling everyone you could, physically going to all of her friends houses and a visit to the police station you received a call from Sydney to let you know ivy had let herself in using her key and was asleep on her spare bed.

You’d agreed to leave her there for the night and pick her up in the morning. You were up awake all night waiting for Mat to come home.

When he did, he lay next to you on the couch while you sobbed.

“She’s just a teenager babe, she’s going through something”

“Mat, she can’t do this! I was worried sick all day, you weren’t here and I couldn’t do my job properly. I love her, i do but i can’t live my life like this”

Mat could only hug her tighter “We’ll work it all out, I know it”

#ivy barzal

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adaptacy · 8 months

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Survivor!Leland Headcanons

AKA: Post-TCSM Leland

Cw: Angst, wound scars, injuries, trauma, death, self-damaging behaviors, mention of s/h & sewer slidal thoughts

the brainrot is real and im sorry lee but you are my angst voodoo doll, luv ya bb :(

Important Notes:

I h/c that only he and Connie survived because they're the ones who escape in most of my games, but honestly most of these can go along with whoever you h/c survived- unless you h/c that Leland died... uhm... but then idk why you're here so.. gonna pretend that's not a thing

Also h/c that him and Sonny were definitely dating... you can't convince me otherwise. the whole relationship with Ana was totes a cover up cause it was the 70s but he was still close with all of them, ofc.

~ ~ ~

Dizziness/nausea:

Leland was strung up by his ankles for ~2 days in that basement. He still has bouts of dizziness for years after, and he can't go on rides that go upside down because a) trauma and b) he gets really really sick and really dizzy easily. He also has motion sickness as a result of this.

He has trouble smelling things sometimes- like, most of the time, it's fine, but if its something a little faint, he can't smell it. He was surrounded by such a thick stench of rotting meat and death for a while, and it ruined his sense of smell. He also gets nauseous easily when there is a very strong smell, especially if its something like roadkill or even just the smell of meat, like if someone is cooking and the smell is too strong.

Diet:

He was a vegan for like 4-6 months after the incident because he could not eat meat without thinking about the family, what happened to his friends-- what they became. It made him horribly sick, and he refused to eat meat ever again, but it didn't last.

See, even though he was taking iron supplements to make up for the lack of meat, he was having more trouble exercising. and he was exercising a lot. He didn't ever wanna be weak again. He didn't ever want to be unable to defend his friends, to save them, to fight back. So he worked, and worked, and worked. Punching bags were his go-to. Leland is not an angry or violent person, but he wanted to hone his technique just in case. He couldn't risk letting anyone of his friends/family be in danger again.

However, due to his vegan diet, he didn't have the energy required for how much he was straining himself. And he'd get sick because he wasn't eating filling enough meals for all the calories he was burning.

Eventually, choosing that his strength was more important, he started eating meat again, but it took a long time before he was able to eat it without reminders bubbling up. Like... a year and a half. And even then, it happens sometimes. When he bites into something that isn't cooked all the way through- he can't eat boiled chicken, or meat stews because the meat is too soft. Before the incident, he loved medium rare steak, but now he has to eat it well-done because seeing the pink, or worse, seeing the red juice leak out whenever he bites into it immediately sends him back to watching as the family ate human meat.

Physical Scars:

He has scars from the wounds he suffered. Two long ones on his back, from where Johnny sliced him, as well as a smaller one on his right chest from sissy, who also gave him one above his right eyebrow, and one on his left hip from Nubbins. And while he also had other smaller cuts and wounds, those were the ones that were large enough to actually leave scars.

However, he's dumb and will not let them heal. His doctors warn him that he needs to take it easy so his body can repair the damage, but he can't risk letting his strength suffer. So, he works out, far too hard, and every time that his scars get anywhere in the healing process, he'll end up accidentally tearing them open again when he punches too hard, or stretches too far, etc. In the first two months, there were a few occasions where he'd be at the gym, working out as per usual, and he'd feel the wounds rip a little, and then someone else would come up to him to let him know that he's bleeding. For a while, he had to pack extra shirts to change into because his blood would soak through his shirt and he'd need to change it.

Fortunately, after enough time, they stopped bleeding when he irritated them. But constantly opening them back up led to them being a bit larger than they would've been, and far more coarse. As well as sensitive- and not in a good way. It genuinely hurts if too much pressure is applied, plus feeling the pain in that exact area puts him right back in the emotional state he was in when they were dealt.

Sometimes, if he's in a really bad depressive episode, he'll push on his scars and irritate them just to be reminded of everything he went through. To remind himself that it was real. Sometimes to remind himself he'll never be the same. That he'll never be anything more than a survivor, than a victim.

Mental Scars:

Surprisingly, he doesn't develop anger issues. He develops a lot of other problems, and he'll have 'fits', but he doesn't get angry, or violent. He'll kind of just shut down, but its easy to see the way he goes from super friendly and grinning to leaning back in his chair, his eyes somewhat dark, staring off into the distance. It's easy to bring him back by just saying him name, or tapping him on the shoulder, but it does happen.

He's put on a lot of medications, mostly for his injuries, but the only ones that stick past the first year are anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and meds to help him sleep. He also meets with a therapist- he's cycled through a few of them, and he started out meeting with them twice a week, but after 3-ish years, he only meets with them once a month. Not because he doesn't need the help- but because he doesn't like revisiting the topic so often, he's trying his best to move on with his life.

He has really bad nightmares, as is to be expected. He'll wake up in cold sweats, and thoroughly believe the sweat is blood, that he's back in the basement, covered in a mix of his own blood and the blood of his friends, and he'll rush into the bathroom, taking off his shirt to check his scars, but they're still just scars. He has to check every single one of them to make sure they're not bleeding, even when they haven't bled in years.

The survivor's guilt is real with this one. He'll see something that reminds him of one of them, and for a while, he'd even go to call them whenever something happened, his hand barely even touching the mounted phone before he remembers. Remembers that they're gone. That they're not coming back. And he wishes it were him. He wishes he'd died instead of them, even if it just brought one of them back.

When he was still trying out different medications, he suffered from a lot of suicidal ideations. He's normally a really cheery guy, and he felt like it was wrong to feel bad- he felt like he wasn't being the person he was supposed to be when he was sad. And that made him feel like a failure. And he didn't want to keep letting people down. Fortunately, he never tried anything, but it happened sometimes when he really missed them, too. He just wanted to see his friends again. Wanted to be with them again. But he'd gently remind himself he survived for a reason, even if he didn't know what that reason was all the time. Sometimes he lived because he needed to carry on their memory. Sometimes he lived because he needed to protect others like them. Sometimes he lived because he knew they would want him to. No matter what the reason, he survived. And he knew he needed to keep surviving.

Hobbies:

He spends a lot of time volunteering at an animal shelter. He doesn't really talk about it to anyone, it's just something he does. He originally started it because his first therapist recommended that he find a hobby that gives back to the community so he can feel like he's doing good, and volunteering at an animal shelter was one of his options. He figured he liked dogs, so he agreed to volunteer for a month just so his therapist would shut up about it.

Well, even after he stopped going to that therapist, and cycled through three others, he still volunteers there. He originally only wanted to work with the dogs- maybe take them out on walks, help feed them, etc. But he really enjoys playing with the cats, too. He finds it way more therapeutic than he originally expected, and he does like that he's helping animals who need his help.

He ended up adopting a 3-legged rescue mutt, and he named it Jacs. Most people assume that it's spelled Jax, but it's not. It's named after his friends- and while its bittersweet, the dog picked up on the name and responded to it near immediately, so it stuck. He brings Jacs everywhere that he can, even brings him to the shelter sometimes and the other volunteers absolutely love him.

Reunions:

Going along with the h/c that he and Connie were the only survivors, but this can be made to fit whatever your head canons are. He and Connie, for a while, stayed pretty close, and helped one another get through all of the lasting effects. But, after a while, the relationship faded. They still meet up, but its rare, and its usually a somewhat tense encounter.

When they were all teenagers, heading off to different colleges, they promised to stay friends forever. And it worked- they stayed friends throughout college, meeting up during holidays, and even had their college graduation party together. And they stayed close friends until the end.

Leland feels guilty. He feels like he's not honoring their promise, and sometimes, he wonders if Connie even remembers. He can't blame her if she doesn't, it was a long time ago, and a lot has happened since then. And he doesn't want to make her uncomfortable. But Connie is the only living reminder of the group, and she just keeps drifting. She has a life for herself, and she's clearly moved on, or at least is trying to. Leland isn't as good at it as her. He constantly misses his friends, and wishes he could've done something different. Leland feels like he's stuck in the past, and everyone else keeps moving forward. And the one person he can talk to about it who really understands is falling through his fingers.

Relationships:

He has trouble building relationships with people. There's always that knowledge that he'll never love, understand, or know anyone else like he knew Jules, Sonny, and Ana. He has friends, of course, but romantic relationships are practically nonexistent for him. He's tried- he's dated here and there, but he feels like any partner he gets will always deserve better. Deserve someone who doesn't have so much baggage, who isn't hung up on the past, who isn't wrecked by anxiety like he is. Because of that, he can't commit to relationships.

It sucks, cause he always wanted a family. When he was younger, if you would've asked him what he wanted to be when he was older, his first answer would've been 'football player', and then it would've been 'dad'. He loves kids, and he loves the idea of settling down, but it feels impossible for him to do.

So, for the time being, he has Jacs, and that's enough for him.

The Notes:

He'll write notes to his friends sometimes. Especially to Sonny. He'll tell them about how his life is going, and how Jacs is doing, or tell them about a new restaurant that they'd love, promising to take them someday. And when he's done, he puts them in a box under the bed. At the end of every month, he burns all of them. It doesn't change anything, but it makes him feel better. Makes him feel like they're still friends.

He always burns them in his fireplace. He'll sit on the carpet in front of it, and Jacs will lay next to him, resting his head in his lap. And Leland will sort the letters out depending on who they're addressed to, and then he'll burn them in batches. He even writes them to Connie sometimes, telling her that he misses her and wishes they were still close like they were in college. He'll even fall asleep on his living room floor as the fire eases into ash and sparks.

#adapting to leland mckinney #leland mckinney #leland mckinney headcanons #leland mckinney angst #leland tcm #leland mckinney angst headcanons #leland tcm headcanons #tcm headcanons #tcm angst

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7official7moose7 · 9 months

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Me losing my shit under the cut (good omens spoilers) (this is long)

WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL FICKING FUCK GOD DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL WHAT IN THE ACTUAL NAME OF HELL. WHAT THE LITERAL COMPLETE FUCK. I'M SHAKING AND ON THE VERGE OF TEARS AND I'M GOING TO ACTUALLY PUKE. WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ENDING WAS THAT. IM. WHAT THE FRICKLE FRACKLE TICKLE TACKLE FUCK. WAS THAT. EXMCFUCKING SCUZE ME. FUCK METATRON, FUCK GABRIEL AND BEELZEBUB, FUCK EVERYONE, WHAT THE ACTUAL LITERAL FUCKING FUCK I CAN'T BREATHE. NEIL GAIMAN YOU ABSOLUTE MOTHERFUCKER. I'M IN SHAMBLES AND I'M UPSET AND I CAN'T EVEN TELL IF I MEAN ALL THIS OR NOT I'M REALLY OVERWHELMED WITH THAT WHOLE LAST EPISODE WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK. I'M SO ANGRY AND SO HAPPY BUT I'M ALSO SO FUCKING LIVID BUT I'M ALSO SMILING AS I TYPE THIS. I. FUCK. SHIT GOD DAMMIT HOLY MOTHERFUCKING HELL HEAVEN WHAT THE FUCK EVER. I CAN'T PROCESS THIS RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T K OW WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE AFTER THIS SHIT. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS WAITING FOR THE NEXT SEASON?????? WHAT THE SHIT!!!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FACTUAL LITERAL SHIT!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO TYPE I'M SO UPSET AND DISTRAUGHT AND MOTHERFUCKING PHYSICALLY SICKKKK. IT'S NORMAL FOR ME TO FEEL SICK WHEN I'M EXCITED BUT GOD DAMMIT THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF EXFUCKINGCITEMENT I'VE EVER FELT. THIS WAS MORE INTENSE THAN THE FUCKING FURY RIDE AT CAROWINDS I FUCK. ING CAN'T. HOW DARE YOU BITCHASSES DO THIS SHIT TO ME YOU ABSOLUTE BUFFOONS. I SWEAR TO GOD METATRON PUT SOME SHIT IN THAT COFFEE BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY AZIRAPHALE WOULD A. ASK CROWLEY TO BE AN ANGEL AGAIN AND B. PUSH HIM AWAY IN THE EVENT OF A KISS AND SAY "I FORGIVE YOU" WHAT THE FUCK. TWO YEARS!!!!!! WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO MCFUCKING YEARS FOR A NEW SEASON???!!??!??!!!! I'M NOT. I'M NOT DOING SO WELL. I'M NOT PREPARED AND I WASN'T PREPARED AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN PREPARED TO HAVE THAT FUCKING RUG RIPPED OUT FROM UNDER ME LIKE TGATTTTT. I'M HURTINGGGG. NO ONE TALK TO ME I'M SO FUCKING MESSED UP RN

/hj

#bee speaks #good omens #good omens 2 #innefable husbands #tw vent #tw rant #tw cussing #tw cursing #good omens 2 spoilers

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horatioo · 2 months

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vent/long post, this is probably the most ive talked about mcyt in years wow

not to vaguepost abt random tumblr users in tags but maybe, just maybe-

the reason im so pressed about tommy, specifically, is because i am rightfully pretty fucking upset that this behavior got overlooked for years and it seems like all anyone fucking cares about is "emotional processing" and "gathering words".

everyone cares about how tommy hasnt said shit, ignoring the fact that hes had surgery recently, ignoring shubbles OWN WORDS about wilbur being physically abusive, ignoring actual video evidence, and all they care is they can make fun of a guy whos "too loud".

they care about looking good.

and not the actual physical safety of somebody who is literally the same fucking age as me.

if tommy doesnt speak out any time soon i will not blame him, because i believe shubble and niki and all the other people whove come forward and said wilburs an abusive piece of shit.

and i believe my own gut feelings from fucking 2020 when everyone was tagging this sort of behavior as "#goals" and "#omg so wholesome!!" and all i could do was feel sick.

and those gut feelings say that wilbur is dangerous to everyone hes hurt and especially dangerous to those in close proximity to him.

and no, tommy isnt my biggest priority, im just only making posts about him because i have not watched ANYONE in that circle since at least 2021. i have no idea who is who, i dont know any of these people.

my biggest priority right now IS shubble, but the thing is i kind of want shubbles tag to be KIND to them right now. because she probably desperately needs it, knowing twitter. i want there to be one place where she can go and its nice and kind.

she was incredibly brave, speaking out against him. i am so so fucking proud of her. i know how it feels to be the person on the other end. i know that they probably felt like they were wrong or no one would believe them. i know that they were fucking terrified.

she deserves nothing but kindness right now.

and unfortunately, i am not in the right headspace to be kind. so i havent been speaking on it. when i am in the right headspace to be kind, i will.

but not right now, because right now i just have angry words for wilbur and angry thoughts of how everyone laughed at the behavior of the man who verbally abused people on stream and said it was "just jokes".

its all fun and games until someone gets hurt. its all laughs until you cant laugh anymore because its "problematic" to.

idk. im incredibly fucking disappointed in a large portion of the community. im incredibly angry at wilbur but im not surprised at all because on reflection he has been showing this type of behavior for years, its just he was a hot pretty white man so nobody wanted to think about it.

im angry because i know nobody will give a shit after its all said and done.

and im angry because this shit thats happened to shubble and niki and tommy and god knows who else has happened to me, and its always, always a joke to people.

and god, was the whole world laughing at them.

#wilbur soot #wilbur situation #abuse

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reineyday · 1 year

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I'm very curious about your grimmichi babysitting and grimmichi casts heal on your WIP tag game thingy--do you mind talking about them a little?? ❤️❤️

I hope yoire having a great day/night/time!❤️🧡💙

OH MAN OKAY IM SO EXCITED so there's this post about how cats purr to help heal their companions and someone added this story about how they got sick and their mom's asshole cat sat on them and purred all while wearing this disgruntled "this doesnt make us friends" expression and i was immediately like "that's grimmjow" 😂 so it's a short fic where ichi misses weekly sparring cuz he's sick and grimmjow comes over in his resurreccion and lies down on him and purrs hahaha

for the babysitting one, it starts with ichigo and grimm supposedly going on their first proper date but ichigo ends up having to bring kazui cuz the babysitter cancelled last minute. they get into an argument about kazui but when grimm makes his dramatic exit through a garganta, he gets followed by the toddler in question, who gets followed by his dad. they both tumble out onto the hueco mundo sand after grimmjow, upon which ichigo immediately gets kidnapped by nel on bawa bawa, leaving grimmjow with a tiny toddler who calls him "kitty." rip grimm.

here's some snippets under the cut! and i hope youre having a good day too, thanks for the ask!!! 🥰💗💘💞💓💖💕

grimmjow is at once a firm and gentle presence keeping him in the bed, and ichigo finds himself comforted.

purring casts heal

"good kitty," ichigo says softly, and then yelps at the sharp claws suddenly embedded into his side.

"say that again kurosaki and i'll murder you right here in your bed," comes the angry reply. grimmjow shifts his head and digs his chin extra hard into ichigo's chest.

"grimm," ichigo whines. "im sick and youre clawing me?"

"physical wounds are unrelated to your immune system, youll survive," grimmjow replies.

"you realize the immune system helps heal wounds too right?" ichigo asks. "now itll take me longer to heal." that's not exactly how it works but ichigo can whine, okay? he's sick.

"thats why im here fuckface," grimmjow replies. "the. the purring. helps." he's scowling so hard while he says this that ichigo grins on automatic.

"aw kitten i knew you cared about me," ichigo says smugly. he doesnt care if he's bleeding onto his sheets from the claws in his side, this is worth it.

"i said this doesnt make us friends!" grimmjow replies.

babysitting fic

Grimmjow pushes away anything resembling a feeling and uses sonído to get the fuck through the garganta, ignoring the yelling he hears behind him. When he lands in the sands of Hueco Mundo, however, two orange-headed bastards fall in a pile right behind him.

"What the fuck," Grimmjow says.

"Fuck!" the tiny orange bastard exclaims cheerfully.

"Fuck," says the bigger one, a lot more annoyed.

The first place Grimmjow tries to ditch the kid is at the shouten.

He opens a garganta directly in front of Kisuke himself and tries to drop Kazui off, but the kid clings to Grimmjow's arm like a little demon. Kisuke does absolutely fuck-all while Grimmjow tries to detach the child from his arm. Actually, Kisuke does worse than fuck-all because he laughs at Grimmjow for the entire forty minutes he spends shaking his arm, trying to dislodge tiny Kurosaki.

"You sleepy, kid?" Grimmjow asks. Kazui nods and rubs his eyes blearily, then yawns again, a smaller one this time. Grimmjow finds himself snickering. "Me too, kid."

"Nap time?" Kazui asks.

"Couldn't have said it better myself," Grimmjow replies. Before he can do anything like move over to make more space, the kid flops down right on top of Grimmjow's chest. Grimmjow may or may not go "oof" from the unexpected weight.

"Good night, Gimmy!" Kazui says, snuggling right up to Grimmjow like Grimmjow isn't a murderous hollow with no soul.

#rei replies #rei writes #grimmichi #bleach #ichigo kurosaki #grimmjow jaegerjaquez #kazui kurosaki

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ginnsbaker · 6 months

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Part 3 oh boy

my wife, you think possessively to yourself - oh buddy if only you knew

How can she be acting like this after everything shes done

something she has only ever experienced with you - sureeeeee

She never wants to be anything else other than yours once more - a little late dont you think

Oh my god how have you got me literally president of the wanda protection squad turned against her and im less than 1k words in ik this is just gonna get worse

“I... I want you,” - bet you do and totally not a student right

HE DOESNT REGRET IT BUT HE WANTED HER TO BE PREGNANT WHAT A SICK BASTARD I WANT TO WRING HIS STUPID NECK

Oh my god how far would he have taken that? That makes me so feel so sick

Its very little comfort to know that wanda asked if vision was okay not because she cared but cause she wanted to know her secret was safe something that was sad in the other one but for once happier in this version (not much as been more positive in wanda’s account so small victories)

OH NOW IM MAD AT BRUCE COS WE ALL KNOW I LOVE NAT WTF

Okay I finished it. Reading wandas pov was so much worse maybe cos it actually contained info on the affair but it just made me feel physically sick and angry towards wanda in a way i never felt through the whole series and i am amazed you’ve managed to envoke such strong reactions from me. Reading it made me feel like wanda did not deserve the second chance she got which is strange for me to say as someone who so strongly advocated for a wanda endgame im gonna have to read the whole thing again and a whole lot of fluffy wanda stuff now to make up for this 😭

But it was amazing a story has to be well written to cause such visceral reactions and you’ve done that here (even tho im in pain and not sure how i will ever forgive you for turning me against wanda or how i will ever go back to her side)

-🧃

whew, your comments were a rollercoaster ride. Amazing. Thank you for taking the time to write them down lol

I get what you're saying. I really do. Which is why R was smart for not watching Vision's secret recording of the affair. She'd probably lose it. But this wanda is the same wanda from ilgoss, and the difference is the details. And i guess the details really are a huge factor in forgiveness.

#🧃 anon #Iss asks

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rjshepherd · 2 years

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xemnas headcanons???

on my blog? more likey than you think

tldr im bored waiting for my printer to do art prints and i cant work at my table bc theres no room bc of the printers/cricut so headcanon time?

long post under cut

Xemnas IS technically a keyblade wielder but the problem is he never had a keyblade of his own. and since he has no heart and you need a heart to get one(although you dont need a heart to wield one) hes outa luck.

since hes gotten his own heart circa kh3 i imagine he COULD use one, maybe even find someone to make him one from his own heart, a la redemption au.

an absolute menace in the kitchen. his ambition far outstrips his skill and he has ruined more dishes than anyone else in the castle. even the dusks dread seeing him walk in to the pantry.

so hes meant to be about 28-30 and isa is around 24-26 which means skuld could be something similar. i like to imagine in another world he's good friends with this girl bc of his ux player connection .

Kh2 xemnas is just insufferable but he is especially bad if he is sick which is more often than you'd think

im calling bs on that whole "hes terras body so he doesnt like sweets" this man LOVES sweets, sweet everything. if theres a sweet option he will take it even in savory foods . he pretends he likes the finer things but he will literally eat any garbage as long as it is 90% sugar.

gets migraines from wine, because he only drinks red dessert wines and not say, fruity white wine or something crisp and light.

Cheese fiend. loves a good charcutier board more than anything

also just loves fatty rich foods. kinda surprised he hasnt contracted gout or some shit.

not a morning person, never has been.

will fall right back asleep if you play with his hair

sees Xion as Ventus and has a hard time telling her and roxas apart

redemption au xemnas has caught terra-norts fury. hes so painfully angry about how unfair all of this is, how xigbar/luxu manipulated them and how he's questioning every decision hes ever made because was it really his choice if someone else was pulling the strings from behind the scenes?

he doesnt get yelling angry now he just gets frustrated tearful angry and very very anxious about everything

is just very full of feelings and doesnt know how to deal with ANY of them. Crying a LOT but has NO idea why.

Xion/Isa made him watch inside out to try and put words to his emotions and it actually kinda worked.

despite everything Xion is probably the best at dealing with him, next to maybe Aqua and Kairi (although none of them really want to)

Spends too much time apologising in a really awkward way. has no idea how to just say sorry and leave it at that. its always "im sorry...that 'insert terrible thing i did here that you dont want to be reminded of'" i think everyone would prefer he just didn't acknowledge it and moved on

platonic XemSai?

He's lowkey kinda clingy with ansem. As he said, he took his companions for granted and now he has no one. He got ansem back and hes not prepared to let go of him again

Doesnt really have a trio to be a part of. Ventus and Terra find him a little creepy and Aqua doesnt want Ansem around for the bs he pulled in kh3 . Seasalt quartet find him off putting for various reasons (although theyre more tolerant than most). Isa is ....well he feels for Xemnas but he doesnt want to cause friction with his actual friends. Destiny trio are ready to comit hate crimes against him and riku has had to physically hold kairi back at various points in time. little lady is just full of fight for her friends and no tolerance for bs

NGL the guilt of what he did to kairi is eating him alive. Kairi wants nothing to do with him but she is a forgiving sort. Finding him inconsolably upset because of what he was feeling pulled at her heart strings. she accepted his apology and begrudgingly allowed him a hug.

provided he never speak of it again.

The radient garden gang are probably the most tolerant. they let him have his own room on the grounds he minds his own damn business and stays out of there way. Ienzo is the nicest but hes nice to everyone so i dont think that counts. Ansem the wise and Even mostly ignore him but Aleaus and Dilan really have it out for him. one of them is almost always watching him for being suspicious and as soon as anthing goes missing or wrong Xemnas gets the blame. he mostly prefers to just go elsewhere.

spends a lot of time in Erandelle and the kingdom of Corona just exploring. he likes hiking the mountains to watch the auroras and exploring the forests to listen to bird song.

Not really sure where hes staying in this au but i imagine he'd get on ok in San fransokyo. maybe have some fun at the university?

Nightmares for days

Post kh4 sora decided to be nice and take him to Monstropolis to see if they had any suggestions to help with his nightmares. it didnt help much but it was a nice gesture that xemnas really apreciated

Sora isnt there for the start, when xemnas was trying to find his footing as a whole ass human with a heart, so he didnt see the worst of it. but sora can literally win over anyone, make friends with any sentient creature so its not long before Xemnas counts sora as a friend, despite everything theyve gone through.

hngg im sure i have more so if u want more xemnas, au or nort rambelings hmu in asks

#xemnas #kingdom hearts #xemnas headcanons #headcanons #my head canons #my stuff #my art #ansem #sora #kairi #riku

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squeakadeeks · 2 years

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a positive healthcare experience, in this economy?

after spending damn near a decade with an ED, finally being referred to a honest to god ED specialist for the first time yesterday felt incredibly refreshing

like the basic foundation is if nothing else it was validating. ive had an ED since i was 15/16, all that while i was fully open with all doctors and therapists about how restrictive my diet was and my weight. i've told therapists i was eating less than 500 cals a day sustainably and they looked me dead in the eyes and said "oh thats a lifestyle choice, you just want to stay trim!" ive gone to the doctors 20-25 lbs underweight and they didnt say a word even as I was talking to them about health issues directly driven by malnutrition. when i told her this she got angry and said that it was wrong, and was only the third physician ive been to in my life to say "yes you have an eating disorder, and a rather severe one at that" and suddenly i just felt this huge wave of relief. its honestly been incredibly triggering to speak to people about what ive been doing to myself and having very few people see it. it makes me feel like im ""failing"" at having an ED, like if i was sicker, then people would see it and agree with me and i could get help; so having someone agree with me right out the gate was shockingly pleasant.

also????? she helped me identify something that i was developing as a new harmful behavior that i didnt even realize was a part of ED and now that i see it, it totally makes sense. i went from encouraging the behavior bc i thought it was helpful or healing, to being able to see it now and stomp it out, and i dont think i wouldve done that on my own.

AND ANOTHER THING that i really appreciated is a lot of ED care is only fixated on the physical effects, and granted ive really bungoed this chungo with how much i fucked up my heart and blood so physical effects are a major concern right now- but she also focused on psychological effects as well and i was just 🤘😩 its something ive been talking about for years and having a healthcare professional actually see that and help me with it was like BROOOO. I belive the reason why when i went to drs they wouldnt act is because typically you need a BMI of around 13 for them to admit you for ED care, and at my sickest i didnt even get close to that so they had no desire to act bc my body wasnt deemed sick enough while my mind was being torn to shreds.

so often in my day to day life it feels like i have all these external signals that are telling me something completely different than what im feeling, its just that one lone recovery voice against a world saying "ED? what are you talking about youre crazy, keep dieting!" and having a medical professional listen, validate and actually help was insane. im overjoyed and a little overwhelmed tbh but 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

#tw weight #tw ED #im still processing this encoutner #like Dr. S my beloved #it is still kind of...comical? how back home when i went to drs i would be like please help me im very ill #and they were like no youre good what are you talking about #and here i went to the drs like hahaha im fine just a lil under the weather no biggie #and all three of them have been like holy fuck bitch youre straight up dying #good healthcare love to see it holy god

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ghostbergara · 2 years

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🔥☀️🌱 for the lgbt asks!! <33

well for 🔥 theres this incredibly long answer ahsjj

for ☀️, yes absolutely!! For starters i guess if you'd count it, helping me discover what trans was and that it was me, Sam Collins majorly and a bunch of others that i don't remember anymore. And then theres one person who really made me feel like i was just allowed to be my queer self however i wanted to.

this is long again, sorry

So there was a family thing for trans kids and their parents at the one (and only) trans... clinic??? department?? in Denmark (i started transitioning around 13) which me and my parents went to, mainly for their sake. Here there were 2 trans men speakers (there was supposed to be a trans woman as well but sadly she was sick) along with a doctor and psychiatrist. They both told their stories. One had gone the very 'stereotypical' or straight route through his transition (he was lowkey sexist too but thats a whole other thing) and the second one, mikey, had gone in every non-traditional route. He was actually speaking after having physically detranstioned, not because he wasnt or isnt trans, but because that was where he was in life right now. He had just had kids with his husband (i think it was his husband, this was a while ago) and was living in.... some other country mainly as far as i can remember. I wont go into his full story but basically his message was you're not any less valid for not going the traditional routes or not fitting into the stereotypes and that there was no 'taking a step back' you were always going forward, you might just take a new path.

First of all, this is what turned my mom from being very unsupportive and angry into being very supportive (to the point where she has made a facebook group for trans parents to make sure others dont go the route she did). and second of all, it helped me let go of this need to fit into all these stereotypes and stupid 'masculinity rules' (aka toxic masculinity) AND most importantly, i had asked him once there were no parents in the room, if i could be gay and still be 'valid' as a trans man. I knew of course that yes you could but for myself i still felt like I couldn't. Hearing from this adult trans man that i respected so much, that even my formerly transphobic mother respected, that of course i could. It made such a big difference to me. I'll be forever grateful to this guy for sharing his story in a room full of sceptical parents and the very clinic that had denied him at the start of his transition and taking his time to answer my question.

And then of course my lovely lovely doctor Katherina Main who is a ray of sun in this terrible system. She is amazing and i love her. She is so invested and enthusiastic about her work and really makes the sometimes hard or awkward medical talks feel light and comfortable. After sexologist klinik (the one trans clinic for young trans people), which is a NIGHTMARE, literally ask ANYONE who's been there its horrible, getting through them and to the medical part, expecting the worst and then meeting Katherina? Biggest relief i have ever felt my entire life. She changes so many trans peoples lives and is a light in our transitions and i hope she knows that!

Yes all of this doesnt really fit the question but goddammit Katherina deserves the recognition

Okay ill try to keep 🌱 short im so sorry 😭

I think honestly younger me would just go "ooooooohhh now it all makes sense!"

LGBTQ+/Queer Themed Asks

#IM SO SORRY I CANT ANSWER THESE SHORTLY #i thought i would be less long winded for this one but apparently not😭#i dont know why im like this akdgbkjds #well thank you for asking<333 #asks #baz answers

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raccoon0001 · 5 months

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November 20th, Monday 20:38

So, first of all, hello, Im Raccoon, well at least i would like to be one. Im 17 years old and i frequently write down my thoughts when i feel sad or angry in a pink notebook by my bed, for the past four maybe three years.

And lately i have been thinking of just trying to write down my thoughts everyday, about how i feel, to know what i am even feeling, and that I'm not just overwhelmed and impulsive at the moment. So i don't ruin my next week or day by obsessing over that one boy that smiled that one time at me or was funny. Because in reality he doesn't like me and i need to step down and realise that, but maybe he does and everything is not a big fat lie, but it is. At least for me, mostly. Everything, almost, everything is fine in my life, except for being kinda fat and not having a real, single boyfriend in my 17 years of living. I know that is not that much and what i am even worrying about, because i have the whole life ahead of me(i dont see myself living past 20). Well could kind of imagine it, but because of one thing and another i always thought i would not live past 18, but now i am 17 so its quite possible i will live past 18, dont really know what will happen afterwards.

Its kind of a dilemma i know to love someone u need to first love yourself and shit, but i really hate myself most of the time, i hate how i look, i hate how lazy i am, i hate stressful i am, i hate how sick i am...yada yada yada. I know there are physical things i am able to fix, but how do i know i just wont regress? Even now im imagining how this blog or whatever this is, is gonna get popular, and be turned into inspiration for poems or people, but after all this text is just my personal feelings, about myself, for myself, that dont really make sense sometimes, because my native language is not english lol and im typing in a hurry and then gonna prob put a pretty background or something and post it if i get the courage, well its a very big probability nobody is going to read this ever, bcs lets honest who reads blogs these days..

always the artist never the muse" i have been very attached to this quote(dont know who is the author) i even begun last year attending professional art school, so i will probably never be the muse even how much i want to be one. Its almost the same with taking pictures, im always taking pictures of others and there are almost never anyone taking picture of me without asking. Well i dont really like people specially taking pictures of me, because of how ugly i look, but still, i dont know. Theres this one friend who takes pictures of me, because that of other things that that person does makes me think im gay or that she likes me, because shes gay. I think im not gay. Like i would prefer a guy fucking my brains out not a girl, but i could never imagine anyone fucking me, mby i can.. hmm not rly, maybe because i have never been fucked, or my imagination is kinda weak. Well i am in art school so i thought it should be good, but lately, well after that thing in 2018 april, I think i have been in this one giant art block. Maybe i need to go to a therapist, to sort things out, not really sure.

I wish sometimes i was a boy. And i think i stink right now, fully emotionally and physically. Whats up with that.

I must have too many dreams and too little motivation.

I dont think i should have continued art, its too much, im not even good at painting, if i actually started practicing more maybe i would, but i think im still worse than most of my peers. And in this school there are mostly girls here and i know almost nobody outside the school and town bcs i didnt even live here two years ago, the ppl who have lived here their whole childhood dont even know where to turn to get a shortcut!

My goal this evening was to paint something, but somehow i started writing a blog..

I think i should have been better of dying that day in 2018. Im not good of a person and i dont really know if ill ever change. What does actually happen after death? Has anyone thought of that? I kind of think after you die its just all pitch black and then u suddenly open your eyes and there you are as your first memory u can think of at 10 years old or whatever, like 'snap' and there you are, but dont know who you were or who you will be. I kind of want to get into biology, but idk if a have the commitment for it.

Two days ago when i was a home visiting my family, after sauna, I was sitting by the table with some other cousins at my grandmas house and one of the older cousins, who was kinda drunk btw, asked me if i had a boyfriend, i thinking already of crying and just jumping down a building calmly said: "no, do i need one?". i want one.

I think my mom is homophobic, but. i also think that im not gay, but i will probably never get a bf, because ppl these days are very obsessed by how other ppl look from the outside mostly or i just dont know a lot of ppl and real life is not like the movies or manga that i read in my free time, that i should stop reading, maybe that would solve everything.

Also by wishing that i was a male, because it really seems to be bit easier to be a boy, how the world looks at you, and how theres a lot more chance of no rejection. Maybe im just living in my small minded world and have not that many ppl with different opinions on life that would make me understand that the world works differently. A lot of ppl around me also believe we are born to fulfil our one mission here on earth, i still dont see mine here, like ppl would be fine if i went and died and go on with they're life normally, because im just this one little spec of dust besides other 7 billion dust pieces, that separately are a nobody. Maybe my family would be devastated, but prob would be prepared for this kind of event about me and i think it would be much easier for my mum if i died, she worries too much about me.

Im just lonely.

A selfish bitch.

#my thougts #will anyone see this

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vasfasan · 7 months

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Ljfe Update / Vent (?)

First of all, my birthday yesterday went AMAZING, all the ppl i invited could make it, we watched a movie that was pretty solid and went to Olive Garden afterwards. It was so freaking fun, everyone had a grand time (i think), we were laughing a lot. I'm so happy everything went smoothly because my last birthday was kinda depressing, so I'm glad yesterday made up for it like 1000%. However, I don;t understand why emotionally I can't just stay in a neutural mood, because honestly, everything right now is going smoothly in my life, nothing like super unfortunate is happening, but I seem to just alwys spiral and end up sad or angry on the inside if I am not in any immediate situation that brings joy, like when I'm alone or even if I am in a group but not talking much. i don;t even enjoy food or jerking as much as i used to. I keep stewing in these horrible thoughts about basically anything that can be or go wrong, rehashing old ugly relationships which i have no desire whatsoever to rekindle but still can't seem to stop thinking about, or remembering how this one thing was said about my character that one time 6 months ago, or theorizing that people actually hate me and don't actually want to talk to me and i just annoy them and stuff. negative thoughts im so used to, ive always had the obvsly like anyone does, but never before did they make me physically sick, like i be so blue im nauseous. and i don;t really want to go to a couselor right now because i feel like obvsly working on my mental health would require some sort of effort and i am just so tired of being always moody and heavy with all these worries that i don't have anything left in me to try and work on myself. what if i find out that what i was thinking worst of myself IS true and i AM a horrible person and have to deal with it and work to change? that would just fill the final slot in the magazine of a gun that has been slowly filling up and prompting me to kms.

#mental health

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qualityempathshoebear · 11 months

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Fuck and Fucked

Well then, a lot has happened, some good things some bad. Ill update you.

Lets start with the good first, i have my last exam tomorrow (geo and physics) and then I never have to see these fuckers again. Very exciting, right? I have to say that I am thankful that my last couple of week of school havent been hell -I mean, they werent enjoyable but definetly not hell. Severly awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but hellish? No. Im so grateful to the girl group that took me in and made verything more bearable. I wouldnt have gotten through it without them, thats for sure. I have actually laughed-cried a couple of times with them aswell. Theyre great people that deserve great things.

Onto the bad. Yesterday my mom called me before i got home to tell me to meet her in the downstairs bedroom/livingroom/study area. She told me my sister had complained about our dad to CPS and accused him of abuse. She is so dumb. He gets andry sometimes, but he is not abusive. Im honestly so stressed by all of this and I feel this panic and anxiety heaving at my chest. She is so stupid. Does she not understand that dad could be charged, and all of us could be removed from our family. She is so fucking selfish. I talked to her and told her to fix it and she said she would but the worst part is that she isnt even bothered or regretfull at all. She is risking our livelihood and reputation for absoluly nothing. Its dusgusting. My parents have completely given up on her and my dad isnt even angry at her, in fact he is so sick of her he hasnt spoken to her at all. If this goes forward, dad could lose his job and this abuse charge could go on his permenant record and then he cant get a job abroad and move. He (we) would be stuck here, as a criminal.

Im being nice to her now, to keep her in check, and insure that she fixes this. But after this is over, I highly doubt me or anyone else in the family will speak to her again, especially dad.

Despite my problems with my family, they are all i have left. If I lose this too, I will be truly alone, and I dont think I can handle that.

Ps. I know this is silly to say considering the circumstances, but the boy with the same name as that of a south American country (except spelled with a different first letter) stopped talking to me and unfollowed me from instgram a while ago.

Also another unrelated update, my dad started applying to jobs again so hopefully we can move, if this CPS thing gets resolved.

Edit: I just found out that she told her math teacher, who just so happens to be my form tutor, and I have to see him tomorrow morning and all I can do is pretend like I dont know that he knows. I honestly feel so defeated. I just want to die. Luckily, its just 1 more day. Just tomorrow, and then im done for good.

Much love!

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khodorkovskaya · 11 months

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Hey so, I tell you what, hes an absolute fucking arsehole. And I'm sorry to be so blunt but he really is, you are so so so much better off without him

I know it hurts now (I understand that feeling or I think I do, I was in a similar situation a few years ago with a guy, my ex displayed a lot of those behaviours too) but honestly you are worth so much better

He literally doesnt deserve someone like you at all.

You're certainly not worthless, you definitelydidnt ask you much, if anything I think he was trying to be controlling tbh. He was trying to control how you behaved and thought etc to get what he wanted.

You certainly didnt deserve any of that behaviour at all! You shouldn't ever have to feel that way about someone, especially someone you're in a relationship with. You also shouldn't have to try to please them or prove your worth :(

I'm always here if you want to talk too

My ex would go in the huff with me if I didnt do what he wanted and hen I would just want to cry because I felt like it was all my fault or somthing wrong with me then he would get annoyed that I was angry. Sometimes I would end up doing stuff I didnt wanna do too like sexual things but it still disnt make him happy because I wasnt doing it the way he wanted it done. In the end I felt nothing sexual towards him at all and I felt sick at it

At the end of the relationship, everytime I saw a cure guy or git friendly with someone (when I was single), I would start to feel physically sick at the thought of being in a relationship incase it was like my previous one had been. I started to think it was me that something was wrong with me lmao.

that's why the main goal i have for my next relationship is that i want to be friends with the person first. because strangely enough, i feel like men respect their friends more than their girlfriends. like i girlfriend is a given, who cares what she thinks as long as she's available for sex, right? whereas friends don't give you sex, so you have to actually respect them and make an effort if you want them to stick around.

i remember there were so many times id say sth to my ex and he wouldn't pay attention. and then the next day one of his friends would say the same thing and he'd be like "omg this guy i know is a genius! he told me this thing!". and id be like i literally told you the same thing, but for some reason it doesn't have any value when it comes out of my mouth.

so yeah, i want a guy who im like proper friends friends with and who's not interested in me sexually from the start. because a friend is interested in you personally and a priori respects your boundaries! like imagine asking your friend for a favour. you'd be a bit cautious about it because you don't want things to be awkward and you want to keep your friendship. so you'll be polite, respectful, etc. and if the friend says no, then ouch. you might try asking again, depending on how well you know this person. but hey, their life, their choice, you're not gonna force them to do what you asked. and that's the kind of energy i want from my future boyfriend in the bedroom too! just treat me with the respect you would treat a friend with! if i don't want to suck your dick, don't throw a tantrum about it!

also thank you for your kind words girlie! i really appreciate your support! and i really do wish you the best just like don't worry about guys so much, please! just ignore them and you'll be better off on your own!

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srlkiller · 1 year

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Have you ever thought that maybe ur more sick than u think and maybe it’s actually u that’s the issue… might be something to think about

OK SO i hav a million asks in my inbox but this 1 is so beyond ignorant & passive aggressive for quite literally no reason bc why are u so invested in my life for…? lmao.

have u ever thought that maybe u don’t actually know me or anything that’s going on in my real life.. whether it is the shit that i am currently going through (which is numerous forms of abuse by my parents) or all of the things that have happened in my past.. im talking about in REAL LIFE. bc this is the internet.. a literal blog site where i randomly type things whenever im either really heated or bored as shit. n that’s rare now. this year n probably last year too i posted rants like.. give or take, every like… 3-6 months (if that). so u either got this whole image, ideology & ‘persona’ of me from a blog site.. or the very very few sporadic Insta stories i post which are mainly songs i like, memes or funny vids reposted? lmao.. i don’t post on my own Insta anymore. i literally only use youtube or zeus network now & i actually hav a private tumblr that only i can see. this 1 doesn’t get used, u must hav missed wen i posted about that :(( anyone who knows me/has known me irl.. or has been following me for a while knows that im a very open person.. & ive been open for YEARS on this dumb ass blog (which clearly ur privy too… bc u read my posts n lurk my page lmao 🫠)the whole “have u ever thought that ur ‘more sick than u think” is such an ignorant fucking statement. like.. i know exactly what is ‘wrong’ w me & im actually perfectly fine as long as i do not get triggered by certain people in my environment (which is the issue at hand among others with that same individual & other family). as ive aged & gone through so much these past 5/6 years i have grown & evolved so much as a person that whatever ‘persona’ you seem to have of me being ‘sick’ doesn’t exist today… unless you’re referring to my physical health issues? then yes ive been sick these past 2 weeks & do get ‘physically sick’ quite often due to my chronic severe physical health conditions.

ive been more than transparent (probably too transparent tbh) on here as well as my Instagram for many many years about my mental health issues + physical health issues. all of my conditions/disorders are chronic conditions that i have to live & deal w for the rest of my life.. so things like 4eva tryna find the right treatments for EVERY condition, spending thousands on operations, doctors, specialists, hospitals, medications that don’t work or give you awful side effects, meds that do work but cost hundreds, meds that are addicting with no warning from the doctors ect ect but the biggest thing of all is simply just tryna function each day like a normal human being whilst being in a very toxic environment with zero support, love or care from those who are supposed to nurture & protect you. so yeah sometimes i do get fucking angry, frustrated n upset about that shit n just wanna rant on here about my feelings. there are certain things i share on here wen i hav no one else 2talk too.. im an only child & hav gone thru sm shit with past ‘friends’ & exs in such a short amount of time i could truly write a whole book or movie script on it all. but instead i write things on here. it made me go absolutely crazy then turn into a total paranoid recluse. it was a soul destroying experience but one of the most powerful life lessons to be able to learn. it made me who i am today n changed me completely.

BUT- n real life tho.. you really do not know my situation.. you do not know me.. & you do not know what i deal with on a daily fucking basis. id love to see u try n live even jus a day as me irl...u would 100% neck urself before the day was even over. im not stupid.. i research everything when it comes to my conditions & diagnosis’s. i also studied psychology & did a major in forensic psychology while doing a bachelor of law & justice. ive studied the DSM-5, done every kind of therapy & treatment plan you can imagine. ive been in treatment since i was like 11/12. i understand myself very well. the mental health conditions that i have are a direct result of childhood trauma & several kinds of abuse by my parents from childhood all the way up to now.. if u are that interested in me & my life then perhaps u should google all of those conditions & do some research on them to gain a better understanding of the hows, why’s & whats. that’s called knowledge baby, u should gain some🖤 & perhaps u should consider going straight to the actual source… whatever it is u wanna know, just ask me.

what’s super interesting is that i took my tumblr link off my Insta a long time ago so it’s like bro.. did you just memorise my tumblr name so u can keep coming back to the page to lurk then send me a sassy little message to jab at me every couple months …. orrrr do you follow me but ur really that pussy that you put ur shit on anonymous? tbh both options are pitiful & just scream.. U A BITCH. people like you are all bark.. n no bite. it’s giving stalkerish fan vibes… this has been going on for like over a year now.. maybe even longer, idek. why not come off ANONYMOUS tho? why not just dm me if u feel so strongly about the issue n are so invested in this shitshow? u seem to hav a lot to say to me n id LUV to hear it! u got some suggestions for me? u got the answers? suggestions for self help books? shiiiiid… we could even talk on the phone if u want? u got FaceTime on yo fone?

if u don’t hav my Insta I’d b happy to giv it to you.. jus send me some asks on anonymous u know how to do that. looking forward to hearing back from u & getting to know u better! hope i quenched ur thirst xxx

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ghost-babygirl · 1 year

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When I asked why I don’t feel anything or process things right my therapist once told me that my brain had suffered so much trauma, it became oversaturated to the point where its as though it physically couldn’t hold more. She didn’t understand that I was laughing out of relief, because god isn’t that almost a blessing? that something in me acknowledged a limit and built a wall of protection? I used to think so. but now I can’t not notice the fact that while silently sobbing the only thing i feel are my limbs falling asleep while im standing and i have to pinch them to move. Now, none of this feels real and all i can think is that how any time im remotely happy, its a curse on everyone around me. I spent yesterday worrying about how i looked, if my friend at work liked me cause he was touching me the whole movie and calling me names and how i was having a nice time and how my friends were fun to be around when really, all of it is childish and frivilous because at the same time my mom was literally trying to off herself. Which is ironic a bit, considering i have only stayed alive to not do that to her. And also seeing how when she found out I harmed in middle school she said to stop feeling sorry for myself? so very much pot calling the kettle black....but i digress. why was i letting stupid shit consume me? when i could’ve been thinking about things that actually matter. I wake up sick but i’m in a good mood, dreading work, but in a good mood. my friends text me, im in a conversation with someone i really like and miss, looking at stupid fucking tiktoks thinking hey! today isn’t gonna be so bad and instantly get a text from my sister to call her but only if im at home cause its bad news like... none of this is FUCKING real dude. none of this is real. it can’t be!!!! I’ve always said my mother had a weird sense of when I was fine let alone happy and hated it. its like a sixth sense. all i can also think right now though is how i i’m unloveable as a person partially because of how much anger is inside me. Her family has taken everything from me. everything. every second of my life has been negatively affected by them. it’s never enough for them. they are the stem of all my pain and suffering and yet its still truly not enough. I don’t think anyone would be able to love someone who has such anger inside them the way i do. it’s consuming. its consuming, and it aches and i’m never allowed to be angry. its so heavy carrying so much rage. its exhausting, its repulsing. it’s not me. When i was younger i thought it made me stronger but it doesn’t, its not at all how i want to feel. I was simply supposed to be the fucking glue for everyone and now im just this disgusting shell who can’t even process heavy news properly because I have to fucking get ready for work? and also i can’t even focus on the main issue cause the second my sister said wellness check we had to be concerned about if they’ll see drugs at the house so its like jesus christ we truly can’t win. just fucking two cursed human beings. I can’t feel my fucking limbs! but sure! let me put on this fucking costume and get ready for work while I was already sick as a dog with a horrible cough and get yelled at by rich people about how their expensive vacation has been bad cause they couldn’t go on a fucking ride. My body is physically giving out in real time, but sure! i can handle more, its fine! this is all so typical that i’m the dependable one!!!! i can just hold more and more and more! It’s fine, im fine, this is so expected and “normal” i don’t even know why it feels like im about to have a heart attack cause my family expected this right? stupid me

#None of this is even fucking real #im not even real #suicide mention #I can't stop thinking about how i posted the other day on here how the holiday season after my dads birthday #is the most miserable time of year and how i wanted to go crazy trying to become a christmas person in hopes to counteract that #and its like i have to laugh #this is exactly the type of shit i meant #also the way both of our parents are going to somehow be mad at us for making this fucking call #god just fucking kill me #Thinking about how my dad is the only one who #hasn't been hospitalized in this family and thats strictly bc of lack of mental help

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