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#i feel like i just need to write a little mroe
albino-whumpee · 1 year
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Fallen Bridges
...eheheh. 
Hope you like this. Can´t believe I´m actually working on this. 
Taglist:
@castielamigos-whump-side-blog @giggly-evil-puppy @cowboysrappin @haro-whumps @burtlederp @neuro-whump @comfortforthepain @whumps-the-word @whole-and-apart-and-between @broken-horn-blog@ashintheairlikesnow @rosesareviolentlyread @starnight-whump @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @as-a-matter-of-whump  @whumpasaurus101 @grizzlie70 @wingedwhump @unicornscotty @melancholy-in-the-morning
Please tell me if you wish to be added or taken out of the taglist!
CW//Pet whump, emotional whump, failed escape attempt, recapture, ptsd, grief, mentions of child death, suicidal ideation, shock collars, ghosts and angst. so much angst. 
He couldn´t breathe. Even if he knew it was useless to try to escape, he didn´t stop running. Just to make sure he wasn't followed, he turned his head, making himself trip down a short hill. He rolled and crashed against a puddle on the side of the road. 
However, for a second, the two centimeter puddle became a lake where his head was submerged and kept there a minute. Then two. Screams became bubbles that popped when they reached the surface.
With a gasp, he returned to reality, paddling and slamming his back against the busted pipe the water was pouring from. 
Albus gasped like a fish out of the water, the telltales of a panic attack taking his lungs captive. 
He couldn´t stop, he wasn´t safe, but where was safe? Was there a place like that for him? He pulled himself up…only to fall back on his elbows when his legs refused to stop shaking violently. 
His heart was pounding so hard he feared it would beat out of his chest.
“Calm down! You gotta calm down, Albus! This is all a big mistake,” he screamed inside his head, his pitiful attempts at breathing only making his chest clench harder. 
“This is all a big misunderstanding. I- I didn´t-” he said, clenching a hand over his chest with a pained groan. “M-Mister Claude just- just... had an episode,” he tried to reason between pants “M-Mister Claude didn´t mean t-to put on the collar…” he half laughed between huffs, immediately stopping when his trembling fingers passed around the box of the shock collar. The electrodes punctured into his skin with how tight the collar had been cinched. 
The pet´s forehead began to pearl with sweat. 
“I-I had nothing to do with what happened,” He said as memories of rushing, of panic at being chased rushed through him as he looked at the road, where a van passed by at full speed and then…
Turning and turning and turning…
He held his head in his hands and shut his eyes. 
“I wasn´t there! It wasn´t my fault!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, shaking his head from side to side. After a second he said lower, almost in a whisper, “How the hell could I have gotten out?! I didn't do it!” he screamed as tears began to fill his eyes. When he opened them, drops of rain began to drop on his face. “It's impossible…”
Don´t worry, Al, the clouds will cry for you.
That tiny voice told him again. He had broken into tears when he saw the sky a long time ago. But that day…it was a sunny day. 
People shouldn't die on sunny days.
The boy was silent for a long time then, before a bitter laugh escaped his lips.
 “I didn´t kill them…right?” his voice shattered as he dropped his head. The rain carried his tears until he curled into himself and sobbed.
If it was true, if his dreams of the road and the van were of his owner´s, then. 
“What kind of sick joke is this?!” he shouted, punching the mud puddle forming below him. 
Of all the places he could have ended up, he ended with the people whose lives he ruined? The person who picked him and gave him a chance to be a person and not just her pet. The person he took care of when pain was too much for his body to forget, the person he detested and the person he loved more than anything…he ruined their lives.
And, as if that wasn´t enough, he had taken their most precious people's lives, too.
Right there in the middle of nowhere a pitiful pet crashes down and cries for sins that can not be forgiven.
It was his fault. 
All of it. 
Albus screamed until his head pounded.
“Why did it have to go like this? This wasn´t supposed to happen!” he punched the ground below him again before curling into himself, cradling his wounded abdomen. Mister Claude had never laid a finger on him. Mistress Sarahi had always loosened up his collar to sleep. He was so comfortable with his life, he had forgotten she had bought tools to punish him.
A terrifying thought crossed his mind then. 
Did she know? From the beginning? 
He shook his head. No, if she had known from the beginning, a shock collar would have been the first thing she would have given him. 
She would've given him to Robert as a gift, if she had known. 
The rain began to pour when he passed his hand over his throat, the shock collar undeniably wrapping firmly against it. 
He had been so scared of being returned, he had forgotten he could still be punished while living as her pet? No, not even him had gotten that naive. But he had thought he had done everything in his power to avoid that.
How was he supposed to know he had already failed before they even met?
He pushed himself up to continue walking. Once they found him, it was over for him. Being returned was the least of his concerns. He knew his owners. Or at least, he knew them enough to know returning him wouldn´t be the end of it. Even if it weren´t them,  that would never be enough punishment.
He halted as the rain slowly began to turn into hail. 
Then what would be enough? What kind of things could they do to him to make him pay? What kind of torture would be enough to make someone pay for that? Would he be the only one to receive such a punishment?
“S-Sann!” he shouted, urgently taking a step towards the house, but stopping. “...he has nothing to do with this, in any case, he is also a victim…” 
Albus stared at the road for a second before his lips curved into a smile that didn´t reach his eyes.
“Don´t worry, Sann. You won´t see me again after you leave” he looked down at his soaked clothes then. It wasn´t him he should be worrying about, but his former owner. 
His gut churned so hard he wavered. 
What would he do if he knew? The mere thought made his bones quiver. He took a deep breath before lifting his eyes in the direction of her house. “Even when things have turned like this, you wouldn´t break your promise with me, right, ma´am?” 
As if to answer for her, the storm roared.
He clenched his teeth hard.
He could do nothing but pray she would. 
Albus was tracing a route in his head when he turned his head up to find a little boy before him. 
His breathing stopped as he watched the kid crouch. The rain passing through his body, the only giveaway to what exactly he was actually seeing. 
“Charlie…” his voice trembled as the little boy smiled at him. 
The boy says something so low it takes him a solid minute to understand what it meant, but before he can even try to reply, the ghost is gone. 
He was still processing the kid´s words when he catches something from the corner of his eye. But he can´t react fast enough to avoid being tackled down and expertly have his hands handcuffed. 
“Get me the muzzle!” an agent from the recovery team screams as he pins Albus down on the mud. 
“Claude!” Sarahi yelled at the man entering through the main door. “Did you find him?” 
The man shook his head. 
“Maybe it's better this way. Sann always went on walks with him. If someone knows in what kind of hole that rat would go hide into-”
“Claude…” Sarahi cut him, making the man´s frown grow tighter, before he sighed. 
“I´m repulsed by myself. Knowing we took care of that- that murderer!”
“Claude! Please…stop it” Sarahi had wrapped herself in the living room´s blanket, still shaking like a leaf after having called the police to inform of her runaway pet. 
A runaway…In the end, he did end up escaping.
She was wondering if the slight relief in her stomach was because of that when Claude sat next to her to pull her into a hug. 
“Sarahi…” he called sweetly before she pushed him away. His eyes blew wide before his face twisted into anger he could barely contain “I know he was your pet, but you can´t seriously think that-!” 
“I can't seriously think what? That I can't be bitter that my own pet turned out to be the reason I ever needed a pet?! The reason I was left all alone?!” at her screaming, the man shut up.
“...You aren't alone. You have me," he whispered.
Sarahi let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, I have you.” to the man, that simple phrase felt like a knife drove directly through his heart. “If it's the day we all become honest, then tell me Claude, where the hell did you learn all this about Albus, hm? I'm sure the Glass residence isn´t a place that would have that kind of information” 
Claude stayed silent for a second. “It's a lot more complicated than you think. Sarahi, I-”
“Do you think I wouldn't notice you were lying? C´mon, Claude. Where the hell have you been working until now?”
Claude´s face turned darker and darker as he carefully explained to her. Word after word, a new wrinkle of horror appeared on her face, until she jumped up and rushed to take her car keys. When she slammed the door on her way out, Claude´s heart shattered along the glass. 
He had hoped she would come back, but when he heard the sound of tires scraping against the pavement, he slouched. 
He took a deep breath, then.
What had he expected? 
He huffed through his nose, thinking it was because of the albino´s files that he even got ratted out. 
Ah, yet another thing he wanted to make the boy pay for. 
He still remembered the boy´s files, so an hour of futile waiting later, he was sitting in their bed with papers scattered around him. There it was.  The obvious proof of torture before he was taken in, the scars that now made sense. His real age. 
Holding the files covered in dried bloody fingerprints after learning the truth made a pang of guilt appear. 
Even if he was the reason, why…?
Claude´s jaw clenched hard as he gripped tighter on the papers. 
“This is not enough!” he cried out, furiously wiping furtive tears. “You took them away! My only family! And yet-!”
Without thinking, he threw the papers away and at the sound of glass shattering, he turned back to see the shards of the tea the boy had left by their bed. Just like every night. His pills, along with Sarahi´s, scattered on the floor above the soaking pages of his files. 
He was the reason, and yet, he couldn´t deny he thought of him as family now. Before he even knew what hell was, the boy had already gone through it twice. It wasn´t enough reason to forgive him, but…
Claude turned, and buried his head into his hands. 
“Fuck…” 
An hour after that, he was putting back the files into a drawer when suddenly, his phone rang. 
“Rob?” 
It took a long moment for him to speak again. When he did, his voice sounded ragged, but in such a calm tone, it made Claude´s hairs stand on end. 
“Do you want him to pay for what he did?”
Sarahi wouldn't remember how she had gotten there, but she would remember the cold ice raining down on her as she walked up to their graves in the cemetery. 
Her clothes were soaked when she stepped into the cemetery. The old keeper simply followed her with his eyes until she stood in front of two graves. 
"Charlie" she called for her first born, a torpedo of a child before she turned her eyes to the grave next to it. "Fran…" the youngest, the baby boy who never wanted to leave her side. Always trying to climb up for her to hold him in her arms. 
The baby boy that had been jumping in her lap on an ordinary car trip until she woke up to the news he had been buried months earlier. She crumbled right before the small crosses with her children´s names. 
The children she couldn't even say goodbye to because nobody knew if she would wake up or not. 
Her cries were so ragged, it seemed they wished to rip a hole into the sky. Maybe dip into that garden where that filthy god kept them as roses and take them with her. Maybe in such a way, her throat would rip and would let them join them up there. 
In reality, she knew her wish was to simply have had the chance to see them. At least one more time. 
Just to say goodbye. 
After a while, her crying stopped, but the tears continued to flow down her cheeks. 
“You know?” she sniffed “He thought I didn't see him, like most of the time when he was doing something he shouldn't” her lips were tightly on place. Not even the hint of a smile came up. “but I know he saw you,” she confessed before silent graves. “I heard him laugh sometimes. I heard him say he was scared of me finding out he could talk with you. At first I thought it was just a sick joke of his. But then…” But then the little things he should´ve never known about began to pop up. “...If you really…if you really talked with him…” she slowly lowered and bent into herself, tears flooding again as her voice trembled. 
“Are you mad at me?” her lips pursed tight, before she took a deep breath. “...for letting him in and letting him take care of me when he…When I used him to fill the gap you left. Because I loved him like I loved you? Do you hate me? Because he became family, but...But he destroyed it! Twice for fuck sake!” she howled, snot beginning to run over her mouth before she furiously wiped it away. 
“Charlie, Fran…Are you angry with me for not hating him as much as I could?”
Of course, there was no answer. 
She gripped tightly on the mud below her knees. 
“I wish I had never woken up” she declared “If this was what was waiting for me, wasn´t hell a better choice?” she said through gritted teeth and burying her face into her hand before another river of tears flowed down her eyes. 
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thinkpink212 · 10 months
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♡ Taking Myself There ♡
The past few days had me wanting to gain overview over my life; specifically to look at where I am, where I desire to be, who I desire to become, all of it!
In short, for a moment I had lost track of what I wanted to do in life. I quit University 3.5 semesters in because I didn’t belive it could get me there the why I wanted & it was overall just the wrong time in my life. I lost friends, making me doubt everything even further. Covid hit, and life just sunk into more chaos. I left many people, including the person I was. With most of my family cut off, being homeless for months & staying places I wasn’t welcomed or felt entirely safe in — I’ve managed to turn my life around in such a short time. Physically, emotionally and mentally I am now ready again to fully commit to myself & the goals I’ve had since I could remember
I’ve managed to move into a place that feels like home.
I’ve managed to pass an exam I’ve been battling for 3 years.
I’ve made new friends, and met Incredible people
And most importantly, I’ve become the person I needed all those years ago. But she’s here now and now I feel ready to jump in with both feet.
My Goals have always fluctuated as I’ve never been a very ‘one goal’ orientated person. I’ve been a full time artist, worked in the receptionist world, retail & sales advisor. But all of those always felt like they lacked something or were more so a means to gain the financial stability that was needed for me to to what I truly wanted to do—
I’ve never been one that desired working, but when the work didn’t feel like work I was all on board! This goes for all things astrology, tarot readings, drawing & painting whatever I felt like creating. And most importantly, writing.
I have two main goals in this life
♡ Becoming A Publish Author
Ever since I could remember, I loved reading. I loved hearing stories and telling them! I’ve always been a very imaginative person, very creative, and I’m always told I’m great with words — and I believe it. I have tales I wish to share, tales I know will inspire more then I already have & tales to inspire myself to keep going. Nothing brings me mroe joy then when I am typing away, lost in my little worlds.
♡ Becoming Financially Secure
I do not need bilions but I know I’ll make more money then I’ll ever need. It’ll be enough money to never worry about unexpected expenses or those around me struggling. I’ll have more then enough to leave my future generations with financial security. I have known luxury, and I’ll know it again.
So now what? It’s simple really, I just need to do what I’ve always done — persist, and go after what I know is already mine. It’ll take determination, discipline, persistency, but also it’ll take for me to rest when rest needs to be had. Asking for help when help is needed.
Soon I’ll graduate and become a certified massage therapist — a job I already know is very fulfilling, and despite the physical and emotional taxation, it’s something I see myself doing while I write my stories & get closer to financial stability.
The idea of doing all of this brings me such internal peace and warmth.
The rest of the year will be a time of…
♡ Saving, living within my means and reminding myself that this is a sacrifice for a better tomorrow
♡ Making writing my all, just how it used to be. The stories are in my mind already, and many are created weekly, but focus and determination will get me there
♡ Knowing when to rest, because my sleep, sanity or overall health should not be compromised for something that can be resumed tomorrow.
♡ Continue to be my own peace, saying no more and focusing on this endeavor
I’ll be Enjoy the journey. It’ll take a while, and I know because I’ve inspired others to write. Friends, and my cousins have written and published their work (some are still not there but aren’t giving up) and seeing how long it took them, but their determination got them there, is inspirational. I planted a seed and now they all have trees and I’m so proud. Now it’s my turn to plant my seeds and watch them grow. I’m ready!
And I start today —
All updates will be made under #ThinkpinkJourney if you would like to follow along my journey to success
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akane171 · 2 years
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Ehh, I think you're right that it was portrayed as "feelings=bad" but I'm not too sure either😅🤔 It's been a while since I've been THAT obsessed with Jedi😫🙈
Yuuuuup, that's why I actually like the Old/Original Jedi and Grey Jedi better since their codes actually acknowledge feelings, just focus on the fact there has to be balance🙈😁
Hahaha, yeah, those stories are fun😁😍 (Oh, that reminds me, do you know "Spy x Family"? A friend recommended it the other say, apparently it's about two spies kinda getting married and adopting a kid for a mission?🤔)
And yeah, the jedi (Esp. The council) REALLY need a therapist😅🤦🏻‍♀️ They should have kept the original code🤦🏻‍♀️
Ahh, yes😍 I love how we can agree that side characters and villains(😍😈) are usually SOOOO much better😉😁
Ohh, Green Tea😁
I don't need a line of defense since I'm innocent anyway😉😌
No, I'll start taking responsiblity for my mind once it decided to actually OBEY ME😖😂 (Mehh, can't right now but even when I have more time I should be sitting down to write the next chapter lf Vergissmeinnicht or finish one of the One-Shots instead of starting something else again😂😅🙈🙈)
Haha, well, sounds about right for a fandom with little fanfics😂😅 But ohh, yeah, Naruto fics were...WILD😅🙈
Yess, Finger absolutely crossed🙈 I'm SO damn worried about Mon in this Arc tho, not only because of what was ALREADY done to him but also because of what happened to Peeta in the books... Pretty sure Mon might end up being identified as an alien and experimented on (and maybe brainwashed) but AGHHHH, just thinning about that possibility and Kara's reaction and pain to that hurts like hell😭😭😭🙈
Ohh, a demon? Does it have a name?😍 Is it named Keith?😉😂
Yuuup🙈☺😌
GIVE THAT WOLF A BANANA💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻😍😍🐺🍌 I freaking love them by now🙈🙊😂💃🏻
HAHAHA, yes, that does sound fun af😁
XXX
Not sure too, I probably murdered the canon xD As much as I enjoy the lore, I can't tell a shit about it xD
I mean, I have always seen Jedi as creature who keep balance, so them acknowledging feelings, makes mroe sense than trying to not have them. I guess? xD
(I don't know it, is it a book/movie/show? Sounds.... promising?)
I mean, the fact ONE dude with feelings made the whole order fall, means that they maybe were not right about their no feelings policy xD But what can I know xD But imagine them all on some group therapy xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I can hear Qui-Gon's cackling in the afterlife xD
We need more stories that explore bad guys and stories that allow them WINNING. Set the world on fire! Screw the system! Kill teh younglings! Yay!
That's what murderers say :')
That.... doesn'r work like that. (I should work on the last chap of Definite but my Muse is probably grilling her ass on some beach, drinking fuzzy drinks under a palm tree, or sometinsg, sigh)
I think naruto was the first fandom that burnt my virgin eyes with the m-preg idea.
Well, I think Kara bieng the victim of brainwashing is a possibility too. I hope I'm wroooooooooooong. Not that i want Mon-El suffering because of that.... But well, it's a HG inspired fic sooooooooooooo =='
(btw, I have in my mind some idea about AU fic where Kara looses some of her memory, like a 3 years of her being with Mon-El and damn, that is angsty too)
I would need to ask LW for the name and I'm too scared to ask. Some things should stay secrets.
I love the weirdos on Eurovision and if the weirdos have cool banger songs? That's a cherry on the top! But I'm sad there were like 3 pianos and none was set on fire. Like, it's Eurovision... BURN THIS SHIT O.O
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kai5621 · 3 years
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Deja vu [Heisenberg x OC]
Warning: age gap, slow burn, platonic to romantic relationship. Grammer issues (english is my first language criiii) . Child abuse, family abuse, death (not major character ). Eventual smut (maybe?)
Note: OK !!!! SO after drawing a bunch of RE8 OCs I finally could resist my self writing my own story about it. Cuz damm Heisenberg stole all my heart and I have no complains about it.
This is my first time writing a fanfic, so I will try my best !! And lastly-----
HEISENBERG DESERVES SOOO MUCH MROE LOVE.  
And here’s a little potrait thet I drew for the oc (as for why I didn’t draw heisenberg as well, is bcuz im shit at drawing males ┭┮﹏┭┮)
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1.
The first time Heisenberg met Erin, she was only eight, can barely reach his waist and always be smiling everyday, like an every single child would at her age. She came to this shitty village with her dad, which claims to be her only family member. They are obviously foreigners to the villagers, as no one remembered there’s anyone in this place would have a such strong British accent, therefore they must be new.
Their family history has remained a mystery to most of them, oddly enough, only a few people who are about eighty or ninety years old do recall their family name, and were quite surprised to see that Erin’s father is back here again. Although every single one of them would shoot him with fierce glances that are not so friendly, even towards Erin. Except for Luiza, but even though her kindness was mainly for the poor little girl.
“I don’t understand, Charles. If you decided to leave this place before with such determination, why bother came back?” She asked her father sternly, while watching Erin just quietly standing behind him. She was thin, with a long, dark raven hair tied into a loose pony tail. But she does look endearing, those big, innocent watery eyes could gain everyone’s sympathy.
“That’s none of your business, and why does it even matter to you?” He seemed annoyed when answering this question, he roughly grabbed Erin’s wrist, without looking any of the people here, he just simply left, leaving others remain in silent confusion. Some younger villagers did ask Luiza about Erin’s origin, but all the time she just shooked her head, signed heavily.
 “May mother Miranda bless that little girl. She does not deserve such man as her father.....”  
Of course, Heisenberg would never missed such local news from the village. He did pay a visit to the new “guests” before informing Miranda and his siblings. The appearance of new faces surely hooked his curiosity quite high, but to be honest, he doesn’t even understand why he was that excited, as surely they would probably just end like the locals here, worshiping Miranda like she’s an actual god, and then would went missing mysteriously but eventually end up on her cold, metal operating table, with chest being cut open, blood splatters all around the body, while the Cadou parasite just devouring the remains.
Didn’t someone mentioned the family also has a daughter? Ah, then perhaps that lucky little thing would go to his sister’s castle and can becomes one of the “maid”. Just another victim, Heisenberg thought to himself, he could not hide his grin back. Holding his hammer at the back of his shoulder, he walked quickly to that infamous cottage where the new family is settled, a few quite whispers can be heard during his journey, the villagers were all surprised to see the presence of the metal lord, and naturally inquiring behind his journey.
Just like before, Heisenberg ignored all of them,
When he finally reached the shabby wooden door, of the cottage, he didn’t even bother knocking, just pushed the door wide open violently, using his ridiculous strength meanwhile announcing his arrival.      
“Well, well, there’s been news all around the village about the new family, and I thought I could a pay a little visit, to get to know the new members! You are welcome, by the way......”
 But when all he saw was a little girl standing by the dinning table, looking confused and stunned at him, his smug smile disappeared quickly, and even the eyes behind his dark specs were filled with momentary surprise.
“Uh, sir?” She asked quietly, putting the tray of cookies down on the table in a panic.
“Are you.... my father’s guest? I’m really sorry, he will be a away for a quite long time, and I’m not sure if.....”
 He stood there for a moment, and then realized that she must be the daughter, although she’s much much younger than he anticipated. He cut her off before she finished the sentence : “Huh, so you don’t know who I am ?”
 She looked so lost, after blinked her eyes a few times, she nervously said : “Sorry sir, I’m afraid I don’t.”
 Heisenberg was never good with children, never, he didn’t really know what to do, after all he wasn’t expecting to meet a child who probably doesn’t even know what a dick is. So, they just stood where they were before, and staring at each other awkwardly in silence, to a point that even the little girl started to feel uncomfortable. She looked around quickly, trying to find something that could resolve this situation, then her eyes fixed on the tray of cookies on the table.
“Um, maybe...do you want to have a cookie, sir?”
The man with the hammer went speechless, he coughed a few times, put his hammer down next to the door frame, and blankly replied back with a tiny bit of fluster.
“Alright then. ”
   2.
It was fucking ridiculous.
Heisenberg would never imagined himself sitting in a old cottage, eating chocolate cookies and drinking teas like a normal human, while chatting with an eight years old girl.
Yes, he’s never good with kids, why would he? Being brought by a psycho bitch means he shouldn’t have any sympathy towards anything, everyone in this village had a good taste about his temper before, even his “Lord” title makes it too intimidate for anyone to have any contact with him. Thus, he never had a decent conversation with anyone else besides his cursed family. Frankly speaking, they were not really conversations, more like endless quarrels.    
He had a quick look around in the room, when Erin went to the kitchen to make tea. This place is shabby, there’s no doubt about it. No painting, no decorations, only an old wool blanket laying down on the floor of the living room. He could see a few photo frames on the bookshelf, cover by dusts. He tried to have to closer look, but all he could see was three people standing together, presumably a family photo that was taken a long time ago.
“Here’s your tea, sir. And there’s milk and sugar.” She was holding a big tray, walking carefully towards table and almost got tripped by the chair. Heisenberg almost chuckled at her clumsy yet cute actions, but he remained silent, and finished his ninth cookie.
“Well, thanks, little one.” He said simply, then started to sip his tea. He saw Erin was standing next to the table like a lost little lamb, he can’t help but chuckled a bit, gesturing her towards the seat across him.
“ Oh come on, no need to be so frightened! I won’t eat ya.”
She was a bit hesitate at first, but eventually took his offer, sit across the table facing him. Although the teapot blocked half of her face.
“So....” Heisenberg started again, with his smug smile back on his face: “You are new here aren’t you, with your family.”
“Yes. Me and my father came a week ago, from England. But he used to live here, at least that’s what I know. ”
That made his curiosity even higher. An outsider, that originally lived here, how interesting, and how did they even escaped this twisted place.
“Where’s your father now?”
This question let her seemed a bit troubled, she shooked her head, looking disappointed : “I don’t know, sir. He said he’s busy, and that’s it.”
His grin became wider:  “And didn’t your daddy tell you, that do not let strangers come into your house while you are alone?”
To his surprise, she did not seem scared, but instead she tilted her head as she was a bit confused, and answered him back politely.
“But I didn’t let you in, sir. You just opened the door and, broke in........”    
 Heisenberg burst into laughter right after he heard this answer, it was really loud, even the teapot and the cups on the table started to shake a bit, but thankfully Erin didn’t notice, she was completely stunned by his reaction and didn’t know what to do. She thought she probably offend him by saying that. But the truth is, Heisenberg is not mad at all, this child’s unintentional boldness is exactly what he likes.  
“ Oh yes! I did break into your house, and aren’t you scared?”
“Should I be scared?” She calmly asked him back, filling his cup again with more tea. “I was tho, but you seem like a nice guy. At least I don’t think a bad person would eat my cookies and having tea with me. If you want harm me you would've done this way earlier.”
He could have so much fun with this kid, Heisenberg though to himself. An outsider was rare enough on its own, no praying, no worshiping, and he won’t hear all those “Miranda bless us” shit. Although, it’s quite ironic that his first decent conservation in 20 was held with a freaking child.
But he’s not complaining. He finished his tea, looking around the room for the last time then shoot his glance back on her. He stood up, ignoring the girl’s skeptical look, Heisenberg chuckled a bit.
 With that, he simply waved his hand, and left the house.
“Well, thank you for your service little one, I’m afraid I must got now. But I’m sure we will meet again soon.”
 He grabbed his hammer by the door frame, opened the door in a swift motion.
“And send my greetings to your father, will you, little one?”
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bookwyrminspiration · 3 years
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It's heathen! I don't have anything mroe to say but! I hope you get better soon! I mostly deal with panic attacks so I don't kmow how to help! But! If blankets won't trigger your senses then I'd say bundle up tight in them with a warm drink and try to relax, if that helps-? I don't know much about meltdowns so I'm assuming the best thing you can do is to try make yourself comfortable and try relax
heathen! hello! Thank you. I'm doing better now that I'm alone and away from the stressor. There was literally nothing I could've done to change anything about the situation, so I'm trying to just move forward and use that bad memory to my advantage so I can forget about it and get back to things.
And thank you for the suggestion--I'd gotten so caught up in everything that I didn't even realize i was still wearing things with weird textures (not bad textures, just not the best when I'm more sensitive). I am now wrapped in a blanket--it actually has a hood shaped like a fox and I still need to name it, so if you have any suggestions please let me know because its gone so long without a name and I feel bad.
this ask also reminded me to eat, which is another thing I forget to do a lot (90% of the time I don't experience hunger in a way I recognize). so thank you!
I probably won't relax, but I will use your ask as a reminder to maybe be a little easier on myself. Doing nothing makes me anxious so I'll be doing homework and writing and answering asks--the things that are normal to try and process things.
but hey! at least I learned that I'm still a safe driver even when violently crying at 70mph! I don't advise doing it regularly, but it's possible. I did not get in a crash, which is actually what caused all these problems.
(tw: mentions of car crash, but not described and not to me or anyone I know, and then brief mention of the panic attack)
i know you (general you, not you specifically) are probably curious what happened and I don't mind sharing! I have a 20 minute drive to school every morning, and half of that drive is on the interstate. But this morning there were two crashes on the same interstate less than two miles apart. The first blocked three out of six lanes, and the second blocked 2 out of four, so traffic was really slow, and the normally 20 minute drive took an entire hour. One of the lanes blocked!! was my exit!! so I also had to take a detour and drive around somewhere I didn't know and I don't like change and didn't like that. but legit it was so annoying because I got out of the traffic and then 1 minute later I was in a different set of traffic. and I could see my exist the entire time. I was like 30 seconds away.
and because of all that I was 20 minutes late to my class, my first tardy or absence since 4th grade, which really stressed me out and as soon as I got to class and sat down I had a panic attack. And being in the room reminded me of it so I was crying/stressed the entire period (hour and a half). I sit literally right in front of the teacher (like five feet away from him) so he saw me crying and just went oh no and asked if I needed a minute, and my response to that is always "I'm fine. Just having a panic attack give me a minute!" which I think is hilarious because I usually laugh at myself when I talk during an attack. but I did learn that my eyeliner is actually impressively waterproof--no smudging at all!
tw over
so that's what I did this morning! I'm talking about it lightly right now to help process. But thank you for caring and reminding me to take care of myself--I wasn't expecting anything like this.
I hope you're doing well <33
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fluttershys-lament · 4 years
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Hello guys it is
headcanon timeee
ok so, I watched the first ep of rbay again and now i wanna write--
(be prepared because this is TOO long)
So, there are some stuff there that was never brought up again, and this time I’m going to talk about Star Warriors (but a little, since I didn’t finish the anime yet)
OK SO i dunno where to start so this’ll be a huge mess but---
You see Kirby’s warp star?? Well, Meta Knight said that is the source of energy for Kirby, in the same ep, Kirby’s (and the w. star) color changes to green. What I think for this is that:
This is more gijinka based (sorry aldfjdk), but if Kirby’s (and any other born star warrior, with Meta Knight being the exception [he wasn’t really born as one but he still needs it, but that’s for anoTHER TIME---]) warp star (his life source) is away from him for a period of time, the star color changes to green (if it already is like that, then to a more darker shade of it, yeah original (?), indicating that its owner is at their weakest point. The star warrior’s face turns into a slight green, their blush marks are darker (in extreme cases, the blush is almost transparent), and they look very tired (like a zombie? yeah). If they are like this for a few hours, they’ll die, so it’s important to keep their life souce near them.
and yeah that’s it, but i didn’t came here to write just that so:
When creating a Star Warrior (the only ones being able to do that are some beings like the ancients, with the difference that they’re considered gods, no i’m not talking about void but that sounds cool), the first and most important thing is the star, there the creator puts the soul, love and power (this is subject to change tho since i’m not sure). Star Warriors can exist without a physical body, but they won’t be able to fight unless they fit (?) with some requirements.
To kill a SW (this sounds bad sldfjskldf), the only known way to do that is by shattering their life source (it’ll be easy if it’s weak, the person is a child or teenager, or if they aren’t strong enough). You can cut their body parts but they’ll still live (they’ll just be unable to fight).
Once the star is shaterred, the pieces glow and transform into dust, and then go to the galaxy to form a new star (this is related to another hc). Meanwhile, the soul will fuse with the love and strenght they developed and go to the afterlife. They won’t need to wait to be accepted there, since their title is very well respected and also their life was devoted to help the galaxy in general (unless you are a dumbhead and just did the countrary).
Also, once someone is there, they’ll never come back UNLESS it’s necessary or some god from there let them (yeah, you can beg to reincanate or revive, but the request will most likely be declined), well, you can still visit as an angel, but that’s just rare cases, like to send messages or help (like in battle, for example. But those last two things only happen if the situation is VERY fucked up)
Buuut in Star Warrior’s cases, they’ll still need the star if they have or want to come back (going to elaborate on that later), so to solve that, the god that’ll send them will search for it and bring it back to the soul. Still, it’s very rare for a SW to go back to life, and no, they can’t reincarnate becauuuseeee (yes, this is the thing i wanted to elaborate):
The star can’t be replicated, you can make something like it but it’s never going to be the same because there is always one thing or two missing, and that’s mroe notorious when you try to replicate a former Star Warrior’s star. I dunno why since I’m not that sure, sooooooo idk lsdjkgklsg
Now I wanna change the subject to Meta Knight, y’know that some people believed (I guess?) that he could be Nightmare’s son? Because hell yeah, he is his son in this AU (I feel bad for him sdljds). SO:
Nightmare was expanding his army of monsters when he wanted to recreate one of the most powerful life beings. Since it’s impossible to create a god (unless you’re one lsdjf), and the ancients are like, normal life forms but with way too much knowledge and power they gained (they weren’t born with that [yes another hc], so that was a problem), he went to the second most powerful ones, the Star Warriors. It was hard, but he did it, not going into details because my imagination can’t reach that but yeah, that’s kinda how he created MK.
Like I said before, of course that MK is not a real one, so there are some differences between him and other SW’s like Kirby. What are those differences??? I wish I knew sñdfkgslñfgk. But yeah, he easily pass as a genuine star warrior, except to the uh, original-creators-and-gods-and-i-can’t-come-up-with-a-name-for-them-hhhhhh.
BuuUUUUuuUUUuuuUuuUuuuuuT
Since he was the first (and only) attempt, he has some “failures” (only for Nightmare tho), so he doesn’t act like a real monster, because he can learn, develop, grow, think and feel (yeah, like anyone here, except for the mentioned monsters)
Also
Monsters when dying just vanish, never to be seen again.
Meta Knight would have vanished when his time comes, BUT I love MK so:
Rebelling from Nightmare wasn’t enough, but the fact that he can love was the thing that he would, at least, go to the afterlife in peace. And Galaxia was just the cherry at the top (?), that is a no-hell-for-you guaranteed (since i just put my afterlife hc then why not hell lol, morpho visits that place sometimes)
ALSO
There was a belief that Galaxia absolutely couldn’t be even touched by a monster, or another life form from the uhhh “dark side” (ah yes star wars my dudeessss), but Meta just proved that wrong. So, Galaxia can’t be wielded by someone (doesn’t matter the species) who doesn’t have the requirements (i dunno what they could be exactly oof) (and YES, this is based from a fanfic i read, i think it was “kirby and their two dumbass dads”)
... and since this is too long (sorry alfjsdlkj) i’m going to leave it like this now... BUT i have more sjfsklgj
if you actually read the whole thing then thank you so much sfglkjdfklgj
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atomicwedgieboy91 · 3 years
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Some Shit Went Down Last Week Pt2
I wanted to update last week a little more in detail, but at this point, I’m just going to write bullet points because there are more current things I want to update in detail.
So here we go with last week:
- 9/23: Kim came back to San Jose for Amy’s wedding. On Thursday night before the wedding, we had a heart to heart until 2AM. Pretty much talked about my relationship with Tye and how everything was conditional and had an expectation. I forget how to really converse with him. And Kim pointed out whether if I ask him how he truly feels on a daily basis. Like how his feeling are each day, which is a good point because that’s what I learned in terms of how to get to better know your partner from the 5 Love Languages book
- Kim and I also touched bases on how I have an issue to cutting people out of my life when they inconvenienced me, which is really a toxic mentality. I remember being so mad at Kim for things she said to me that I almost cut her out of my life entirely because at that time I have also cut my mom out. I almost didn’t go to her wedding had Tye said that if I didn’t go to her wedding, then the friendship is literally over. 
- 9/24: At church for Amy’s wedding, the priest said some profound things regarding love and marriage. He said this quote, “don’t walk behind me, don’t walk ahead of me, but walk beside me and teach me what you see.” It’s crazy because a few days prior, Tye had mentioned he wished he taught me better in terms of how to love, but he was in a position in which he felt inferior to me and that I would be mad at him for trying to teach me something. I talked to my therapist about the quote I learned and she said it’s no one’s responsibility to teach me about my shortcomings and that I’m solely responsible it all. I can see her point of view, however, how would I know what to learn if I didn’t know that I was supposed to learn it? Am I suppose to just make mistakes, do the damage until it’s too late and then learn from that?
- Prior to the reception, I had more heart to heart with Kim. She talked about her family and motherhood. It truly is beautiful to see Kim as a mom. Motherhood changed her and suits her. She’s very nurturing and loving towards Jayden and it’s definitely refreshing to see that side of her. She tells me she thinks differently, the way she treats people, she has to think carefully about that because of how it could affect Jayden. 
- I ended up getting really drunk. And it didn’t help that I saw Tye’s name tag next to mine at the dinner table for the reception. That made me so emotional to the point in which I kept tearing up while eating dinner. I couldn’t hold it in anymore so I’d dash to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Like I cried uncontrollably. It happened once, and then it happened a second time. Amy and Jacques was making rounds to collect gift money and they had to come back later until I was there. I was such an emotional wreck. I’m not sure if I should confess this to Tye because he’ll just think I’m annoying and pathetic. I get the impression lately that anything I say to him that shows any affection or care comes across as annoying to him. 
- Amy’s mom was drunk and had heart to heart with me and Kim. She was sad that Amy blew up on her about the tea ceremony and about losing her brothers’ and dad’s suits. 
- 9/25: I sat with Amy’s brothers at Boiling Point. She had to remind me to pour sauce for brothers. I don’t know if I’m over-analyzing this, but am I that careless of a person? Is it because I’m not used to taking care of others? Is this even a good excuse because I am a nurse after all? I sometimes feel like these things are intuitive for me, which bothers me. But perhaps I’m learning. I’m definitely taking notes on how to care better, like paying attention to the details. It’s crazy because when I’m at work, I try to care. I take initiative on helping my coworkers and looking out for other patients on the floor. And then when I go home, it’s like I shut that care off. But it’s ok. I’m just going to tell myself that I’m rebuilding myself and learning to do better. 
Ugh, I thought I was just going to write bullet points. But fuck it. I need to better reflect and elaborate a little bit mroe on these moments. 
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tag game because i said so (and i was tagged)
thank u for the tag maddie @soldatsass !! ily
it is 2 am so my replies may be a little out of pocket (nothing new)
1. why did you choose your url? bro i just love natasha romanoff
2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them. @laniereads for fics i reblog (i barely read atm though) @romancff-library for fic updates from me, and [redacted] is my other fanfic blog where i write things you will not get to see! and i’m not sorry
3. how long have you been on tumblr? i joined in august 2020
4. do you have a queue tag? yes it’s queue know me solely because that scene in catws makes me laugh for no reason
5. why did you start your blog in the first place? this is so embarrassing but.... i wanted to read and write weasley twin fanfiction. i’m a changed woman now don’t worry <3
6. why did you choose your icon? once again i love natasha and i love the comics
7. why did you choose your header? i don’t have one!
8. what’s your post with the most notes? besides fics, my comic clint barton lockscreen has 400 ish notes and i think that’s wild!!
9. how many mutuals do you have? most of my following is mutuals so i’d say 140 maybe?? who’s to say
10. how many followers do you have? somehow 3k and i’m in love with all of you
11. how many people do you follow? 150 i think? i don’t really check it may be mroe
12. have you ever made a shitpost? every day i log on and bombard you with unstable thoughts, usually about fictional characters. yes.  
13. how often do you use tumblr each day? what are you on about tumblr is my bedroom. 
14. did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? nah. i block anyone who puts their silly little discourse on my dash because i’m not getting paid for this.
15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this post”? ignore them. if it’s important i will see it on somewhere that isn’t tumblr dot com
16. do you like tag games? yes!!! love them so much
17. do you like ask games? these are so fun yes!!!
18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? so bold of you to think i know what this means 
19. do you have a tumblr crush on a mutual? no i only form attachments to fictional characters so
tagging @nancybycrs @tripleyeeet @mickey-henry and anyone else who wants to do this because i’m brain dead right now
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docmanda · 3 years
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I got tagged by FixaIdea :-) Thank you dear <3
My AO3 is mandalorian come have a look around and see if you like something ^^
Fandoms
At the moment I am in Danmei-hell mostly, with TGCF and SVSSS being the ones I write most about, I´m reading a bunch of novels atm and am rewatching The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty. I do like MDSZ too but haven´t gotten around to write something proper for that. Aside from these I am an old die hard Star Wars fan, love Tolkien/LOTR/Hobbit, dabble around in the MCU...basically I have a lot of things I like and I tend to get hyperfocused on something and then hop to the next thing^^
Where You Post
on AO3, with links to my stuff on tumblr. head canon talk and stuff will usually stay on tumblr unless it becomes a snippet/drabble/one shot/epic series than it´ll go on AO3
Most Popular Oneshot
The most popular, true, just a single chapter one shot per kudos would be As Empty As Death , a TGCF, Hualian/pre-HeHuaLian short story (it is part of the As Golden As the Sun-series though)
Most Popular Multichap
Running through your Veins, my (just freshly finished) SVSSS, LiuShen Succubus-Extra fix it fic that ran away from me ^^
Favourite Story You’ve Written So Far
Hm I do like the things I write otherwise I would not continue writing them ^^” But I do like my As Golden As the Sun-verse and my favorite here is my He Xuan backstory Salt from Our Eyes and For the End of my Broken Heart
Fic You Were Nervous to Post
Hm. I´m not really nervous when I post things? I mean I am an self indulgent writer so I only write and post things that bring me joy? Salt From Our Eyes was probably the one where I was a little concerned with how people would take it, just because it comes with some STRONG warnings and very unhappy things. I wa smore worried about not tagging something properly than the actual fic though
How Your Choose Your Titles
Hahahahaa...yeah, that. I do tend to go for bits of song lyrics sometimes? Or I just stare the thing and hope I have an epiphany...
Do You Outline
Not really no. I usually just intend to write a small little things that then runs away from me and I do end up with basically loosely interconnected, sometimes multi-chapter fics instead of one cohesive story (I kinda do regularly have to reread stuff before I can keep writing the next chapter to not loose track of smth ^^).
The only thing where I have kinda like an idea spreadsheet is Leaving on a Jet Plane...and since that fic has been stuck at chapter 2 for weeks now that ain´t working out so well^^”
Complete
Well, officially only Running through your Veins and Whumptober since October is over already^^I do have plans to add some more things to the series-type fics I have and fill some holes 
In Progress
I haven´t yet thought about what I want to work on next tbh?
Coming Soon / Not Yet Started
Maybe something TSOMD? I want to fill out/finish my current projects a bit mroe before I start smth new (I am always open for prompts and ideas though^^)
Prompts?
Yes, always^^ I usually do end I writing something for them and sometimes a small little shared head canon idea or prompt can lead to  55,682  words of losely interconnected fics ^^”
Upcoming Work You’re Most Excited About
As I said, haven´t decided what will be next yet ^^”
Tagging
@dandy-lions, @zoeymcroyan, @ruoyeming, @justatouchofgoldsickness
and whoever else feels like doing this, please feel free I can never remember handles when I need them ^^”
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Fanfic Writer Askssss... 2, 3 (tourney fic!), 4 (roadtrip fic!), 7, 20, andddd 34! ❤️
Thank you ☺️ @hersilentlanguage
2) what character(s) do you find the most difficult to write for? Why?
This might be surprising but Jay. I find it difficult to get into his headspace in comparison to Mal or Carlos who it feels quite easy to slip into their mindframe. It takes me a while to properly write Jay, especially his interactions with Evie. I'm not 100% certain why that is, but I think it's because I have to really work on making sure I get the balance of his tough persona and the softer side to his personality. However, when I'm writing a scene with Mal and Jay it comes really easily to me, so I think it actually depends on the dynamic I'm writing as to who's harder. Evie is also quite difficult for me to fully get a grasp as to whether I'm writing her tone well enough.
3) do you have a favourite scene you've written from the tourney au (who needs a crown, when you can wear a helmet)?
It's so difficult because the tourney au is my baby, it might not be everyone's favourite and that's totally okay. But for me I just really have loved writing it and having my ideas come to life in it. It's hard to pick one scene I like mroe, I really love the scene with Mal in their dorm room in her uniform and she's a little vulnerable, and it's just a really soft Marlos moment and then when Evie joins in their little cuddle session - it's super soft and one I really enjoyed writing. The Jal paintball match was incredibly fun, I love competitive Jal so the opening of that scene with Jay teasing Mal before the match and lifting her chin with his paintball gun. There are some really sweet ones coming up with Mal feeling grumpy about her cast and lots of little flirty moments and cuteness within that scene.
4) Did you have any ideas that didn't make it into the final cut of the roadtrip au (Get in losers, we're going roadtripping)?
Oh absolutely. To be honest I was going to try making it longer but i just couldn't figure out how to piece things in. I'd have a specific idea but no way of being able to form a chapter around it y'know. I did have an idea of having some of the AK's join the rotten four on their roadtrip, I thought about a carnival or including the lantern lights from Tangled into it. I had a really fun idea (that I may write as a one-shot or something) with them building race cars from Wreck it Ralph and Evie having to stop Carlos from eating the candy machinery. It was going to be a Carvie vs Jal race, kinda like a mario kartz with Jay tossing candy at Carlos, and them all in leather racing jackets and Evie strutting her stuff as the flag girl. I am actually regretting not trying to write that in :(((
7) what story/headcanons do you feel the most proud of?
I feel really happy with how "Lost in Lace" turned out, it was a different topic I chose to focus on and I really like how it all came together with Evie at the focus. I honestly like one of the first posts I made that was about Evie, Jay and Carlos calling Mal 'baby dragon' because I'm correct
20) what feedback makes you the happiest to hear?
Literally anything. I'm not used to hearing positive feedback on my things, I'm usually not very happy with them, so any feedback I receive makes me feel so happy. I love seeing you guys freaking out about the smaller details and catching the things I throw in there to subtly link in my other stories. I'm still not over @hersilentlanguage feeling so inspired by my work that we're getting fan art of Mal in a flower crown, that's mind-boggling to me.
34) have you felt emotional while writing a scene before? What scene was it?
Oh definitely. I write a lot of one's that are soft yet also highlight a character's anxiety or internal struggle, there are a few scenes in the last chapter of the tourney au that I had to take a break from writing because it actually does make me sad. Without revealing too much, there's a scene in a later chapter of "Get in losers we're going roadtripping" that is quite emotional and one of the scenes I really enjoyed exploring because it does make me emotional too so 👀
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tvandenneagram · 4 years
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The Vampire Diaries: Elena Gilbert - Type 9w1
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Elena is caring, humble and stubborn. She is accepting and friendly towards everyone she meets and is one of the most popular girls at Mystic Falls High. She wants to fit in and adapts quickly to read the emotions and feelings of others and appeal to what she thinks they are looking for. She really wants to have a normal life and battles with how this will happen now that she is aware of the Supernatural world. 
I was thinking of typing Elena as a 2 as she is very helpful and can come across as a nurturing figure to her friends and family. However, I think that this has occurred as a reaction to her parents death and feeling as though she has to be this role for Jeremy in particular. Both 9s and 2s are both positive types and put the needs of others before their own but I think Elena does so as a way of keeping the peace more than wanting to feel loved and needed.
At her best, Elena is resilient and becomes more active in her own life. She stops being a damsel in distress for Damon and Stefan to protect and begins taking control of her life and making her own decisions.At her worst, Elena becomes withdrawn, anxious and reactive. It can be seen at the start of the series that she is pushing people away and is emotionally closed off due to the death of her parents. 
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Elena has experienced a lot of loss and change in her life but she remains positive and strong. She has a very calm demeanor and when faced with more tragedies or threats is able to stay composed and think logically. She believes it is better to carry on and keeps her feelings to herself as she doesn’t want to burden anyone else. She will often put others first which can be seen in her decision to go with Klaus in order to keep everyone else safe from him.
Elena finds it very difficult to choose between Damon and Stefan and does not want to make a decision. She fears that she will make the wrong choice and gets stuck in procrastination. She had a very strong relationship with Stefan and has deep feelings for him and is very conflicted when Damon expresses his feelings towards her. She wants both of the brothers to be happy and is afraid of hurting them or coming between their relationship. It takes Stefan confronting Elena about having feelings for her to even consider that this may be true as she is unsure of her own emotions and thoughts. 
Elena has a strong wing 1 as she wants to do the right thing and is more reserved and represses her feeling more than a wing 8. She is mroe likely to write her feelings into her diary than addressing any concerns she may have. 
Tritype: 9w1-2w1-6w7
Some quote to describe Elena’s motivation:
"Dear diary, I made it through the day. I must have said, "I'm fine, thanks," at least thirty-seven times. And I didn't mean it once. But no one noticed. When someone asks, "How are you?" They really don't want an answer."
“See, the thing is, I got home tonight planning on doing what I always do, write in my diary, like I have been since my mom gave me one when I was 10. It's where I get everything out, everything I'm feeling. It all goes in this little book that I hide on the second shelf behind this really hideous ceramic mermaid. But then I realized that I'd just be writing things that I should probably be telling you."
"When have I ever made a decision? You and Stefan do that for me. Now this, this is my decision."
"Stefan thinks that I have feelings for you."
It was. I'm sorry that I strung you along. I should have figured out what I wanted and just been honest about it. I'm now making the same mistakes with Stefan and Damon. It’s not right what I'm doing to them either, I – I have to let one of them go."
"I don’t know how I feel."
"So, Damon, tell me. What is it that I want?"
"It was my choice to save him. Why aren't you seeing that?"
"Well, he did and that’s exactly what I am. Confused. I need to figure out what these feelings actually mean."
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trunkzbriefs · 4 years
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the goku black/future trunks arc was a repeat of an arc we've already had for future trunks which is already a red flag but in all honesty could have been done well if it werent ruined by rushed relationships, character assassination and super being unwilling to deviate from its main formula often. as a tldr, because i just wwnt to get to my main point, trunks is back to square one, feeling like he did in z, which is "i'm too weak to do this alone, and i need others to do it instead." which is a very fair feeling when you're literally fighting god and you've been trying to take him down for a year straight. it makes sense! i don't think they should have put him in that sort of situation, because like i said its a repeat and an odd one at that, but it's fine. in z, this comes to a satisfying conclusion, where trunks, though with the help of training with others of course, is strong enough to destroy the androids in his timeline and bring peace. cool! great! so... that's going to be what super is, right? trunks, with a little help, gets the power to take down goku black and zamasu and bring his timeline peace. hell, maybe he doesn't actually do it alone. maybe we can get the goku / vegeta / trunks super saiyan trio back! fuck dude, maybe we even get gohan! super's inconsistent enough to power him up randomly, fuck it!
but the expected conclusion to this arc doesn't happen. trunks gets his little win, by himself or mostly by himself with the help of others, but he doesn't win the entire fight. which is a very, very odd thing to do. you've rolled trunks back to his z state, which could be fine, but then you give him a false win. which doesnt really do anything to push his character forward?
but it can still work! hey, the good guys don't always win, right? so that's fine. its an interesting point to put him at to be honest. he's lost everything. how are they going to build him back up? there's so much potential! so it works. it's fine. But It's Not FIne Because This Is Where It Becomes Apparent That This Isnt Some Kind Of Somber Moment That Was Intended To Be Taken As A Loss But Just Really Bad Writing because trunks doesn't react to this properly in the fucking, SLIGHTEST,
in response to his timeline being erased because of goku, the timeline he's been fighting to bring peace to his entire life, the timeline he's been the sole protector to, trunks, who we have established carries a lot of guilt and blames himself a ton, who can get paralyzed in his own despair but can also flip the fuck out real easily, says, that it's not the worst case scenario?
... and that's it? this isn't explored in depth at all. OK, fine. lets say he doesn't flip out as easily anymore. he's tired. then... you dont think he'd be fucking torn over this for weeks? months? years? you don't think the fact that he couldn't stop zamasu on his own and save his timeline would haunt him? ??
and then we don't see anything for him after that? we don't see him build himself back up? there's no onscreen development for him?? and after all of that, you think he'd just abandon the alternate family he knows to go off to another timeline? do you not think that would feel... weird? and why not make the timeline before/durint the androids? if you're going to give him another shot, why the fuck wouldn't it be before gohan dies ??? ?? Why did Xenoverse 2 do this better than super did ??? Ive been sitting here for an hour trying to make a fucking coherent post about this but every time i type i remember another detail thats stupid or contradictory and i feel fucking insane AND I JUST DONT GET HOW FUCKING XENOVERSE TEO MAKES MROE SENSE THEN THE GODDAMN MAINLINE CONTIUATION OF DRAGON BALL Z FUCKING XENOVERSE TW
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quilleth · 4 years
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Silly writer asks - 6, 14, 16, 18, 20? :D
6) Favourite pairing (of food + distraction to procrastinate on writing)?
Anything baked goods (especially brownies) and/ or pizza and surfing tumblr mostly
14) If you could take one word and publicly shame it for having inadequate synonyms, which would you choose?
The problem with this is just finding one word! There should be more synonyms for chuckle or snicker i feel...i need mroe words to indicate various kinds of soft laughter.
16) Favourite thing to fixate upon that is not your fic that you opened to work on?
The internet is a black hole and I am space dust helpless to resist its pull. Especially tumblr, pinterest, and dollmakers. Oh and silly quizzes
18) Provide a summary of the hellscape that is your creative process from idea to publish?
Have idea; tell myself this is a brilliant idea and i should write it. Store it away in my mind, where if I’m lucky i will remember it for later.  If it is lucky, it will get to simmer there for a while before being lost to obscurity and vague recollections of an idea. Yell at various friend groups that i have an idea. Preen with their encouragement. Decide to write. The set up is not right for writing. Try again at an amorphous time. Have several more ideas in this time period and begin at step one with all of them. Return to initial idea, with only a slight remnant of initial thought. Get annoyed by coworkers or work or distracted by tumblr on my phone and make little progress while on lunch breaks. Tell myself I will write it later/ on the weekend. This is a lie. Eventually i will either get reinspired to work more on it, or it will be lost to the detritus of my writing notebook. Write story. Hum “Hard to be the Bard” while I try to think of a word. The word ends up being very simple or I change tactic because I couldn’t think of one that worked for the scenario. Tada! The fic is written. Now I must type it.  I cannot read my own handwriting so repeat the song of trying to find the right word because I have never written about applesauce a day in my life and yet....  Fret over formatting. Obsessively scan for typos. Miss many of them. Scan more. New typos appear. Say fuck it and enter it into tumblr/ ao3 anyway. Scan for typos again. Submit! Anxiously await feedback. Find several typos I missed in all the other passes.
20) On a scale of ‘lone tardigrade floating in space’ to ‘accidental omnipresent being divided from their created world’, how lost would you be without people that comment?
Feed the authorbeast with likes, kudos, and comments!
But seriously, without interaction it’s just...so much harder to keep the motivation to continue writing things, and very easy to second guess everything I’ve either got cooking or have already written
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therewas-a-girl · 4 years
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Shipwrecks, Of the Wretched, de profundis ALL OF THE QUESTIONS
the 
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you think i will be intimidated by this BUT CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!! *cracks knuckles*
Shipwrecks
1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?
this fic is written mostly traditionally tbh - its cronologically told, in third person and mostly from one pov which is (and will be) feclicity. however, i have changed my mind about a lot of things since i started the fic - for one, i want to incorporate the whole ‘unreliable narrator’ thing a lot more. i want to use flashbacks more carefully: playing with timelines in how cetain present time events triger past moemories that illuminate the REASON behind present time choices. things like that. 
the real inspiration for the fic itself was another fic i read -  I've Never Truly Loved (Until You Put Your Arms Around Me) by theirhappystory. And the fact that i read that fic ... while i was on a boat... while there was a storm. a small one BUT STILL. 
2: What scene did you first put down?
Whatever Walks Here, Walks Alone - aka oliver looking at felicity in the lair. by itself this scene could fit anywhere from the begining of season 1, to anywhere in season 2. i didnt really write it with a timeline in mind. it was mroe like me pondering the characters. 
3: What's your favorite line of narration?
i had a LOT of fun - unexpected fun - writing Diggle’s pov in teh whole situation. you see, when i started the story the first thing i wanted to figure out was where do i want the characters to end up in relation to each other - so that i could start the story with them being in the diametrically opposite  spot! but then i realized that i also want contrast within the trio - and where oliver and felicity move towards each other at a glacial pace, john and felicty have a much more easy time understanding where the other stands. like... they vibe. and it had a lot o fun planing out that vibe - and all teh ways it pisses off oliver, in the begining. 
4: What's your favorite line of dialogue?
To answer this i would have to go back and re-read a lot of what i wrote and plan to write, but there is a line that STAYS with me and its one felicity says. 
so - in the show, the trio do eventually find out that the Gambit was sabotaged and did not just sink. Now - in Shipwrecks - this would have  a major devastating effect on felicity, who was in the gambit with oliver and sara. And she is the one that has the hunch that moira was involved (i think this happens in canon too?) - and she pushes oliver about it. Bc ofc she thinks of moira as just another person. Worse even - a person who hurt her. At this point she is MANIC about it and it freaks oliver out. Like, take the natural defensiveness he has against the idea and add a fear that felicity might genuinely kill his mother, and you get him being very agressively AGAINST felicity following moira anywhere. and when felicity understands that oliver has no intention of pursuing a what she sees as a genuine lead about the event that practically ruined them as people, she just, shuts down, makes a disgusted face, thinks of all the ritch fuckers she’s known and framed and used and how they close ranks when their reputation or personal interest is touched and just, blurts it out.  
 ‘you fucking people.’ 
5: What part was hardest to write?
all of it lmao. like WRITING IT. 
6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?
The fact that i planned it out and it has like, different installments and a whole journey, which is one of losing oneself, understanding that ones self has been lost, seeing vengence for that loss (aka giving in/facing the anger it causes), seeking freedom, going against ones impulses to build better ones, building relationships, mantaining them, finding ones self through small acts of kindness towards ones self, rebuilding ones personality
basically i wrote a journey about getting out of depression and grief, before i realized that THAT was what i was actually writing about. 
7: Where did the title come from?
The title of the series is pretty straightforward: they were shipwrecked and now theyre coming back. 'above the vaulted sky’ is a line from a I am, by John Claire.  
I am—yet what I am none cares or knows;My friends forsake me like a memory lost:I am the self-consumer of my woes—They rise and vanish in oblivious host,Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throesAnd yet I am, and live—like vapours tossedInto the nothingness of scorn and noise,Into the living sea of waking dreams,Where there is neither sense of life or joys,But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems;Even the dearest that I loved the bestAre strange—nay, rather, stranger than the rest.I long for scenes where man hath never trodA place where woman never smiled or weptThere to abide with my Creator, God,And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,Untroubling and untroubled where I lieThe grass below—above the vaulted sky.
It’s a rather sad one actually, but i read it as a poem about hope. About the dream of hope, anyway. And this need to be away - from what is known because at this point what is known is horrible and the only happiness the imagination can come up with, is to be as far from it as possible and alone. and that is very much where felicity starts out with. With her hope not being about peace, but an isolation in stillness because that is the only good place she can imagine. 
8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?
It did. I’ve been depressed and strugling with horrendous issues of self worth and anxiety since i was about 14. And i never knew. It literally took me turning 28 to realize what the fuck was wrong. And its depressing (lol) because its just so much fucking time that i wasted, you know. And i remember - like, when i was deep in my depression - i used to think all the time ‘I must have been a real life person once. Like, an actual person, with a personality, and likes and dislikes and feelings - but i dont remember her. I dont know who that girl even is, i woudlnt regognise her at all.’ It felt like some part of me had died. Like there was literal murder involved. Cause so little of me survived. 
but it turns out, i have been this way - just less intensely (and in some cases a lot MORE intensely) since i hit puberty. i didnt die - i just got worse and did not deal with it at all.  
9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?
not really. not yet, anyway. 
10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?
im actually not sure that i do want oliver-felicity for this sotry. the dynamic between felicity and tommy is also very veyr interesting. and i dont really know where i will take them. especially in the first and second story, their connection is intense. but this is also part of teh slowburn - oliver and felicity, however it happens, its gonna be slow. 
11: What do you like best about this fic?
how personal it is to me, and my experience. and the fact that, if i write it well, i might actually be sayin something. 
12: What do you like least about this fic?
THE FACT THAT I HAVENT WRITTEN IT YET T_T
13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn't listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?
PHEW I have whole playlists i built as i was ordering this whole series. with songs that fit the mood, the direction of the storytelling and all. 
14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?
I genuinely want people to see this as a story about healing.
15: What did you learn from writing this fic?
i havent written all of it yet - but i did learn something very interesting about myself. that i have been putting my trauma into narratives to deal with it looong since i knew that was a thing, or i was even aware that i was doing it. 
and on that depressing note, i will end this post and start a new one for the other stories lmao 
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lizzodorito · 4 years
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quick vent
because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.
Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.
my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.
not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.
I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK
And then i get shit for it
love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.
I am so lonely.
I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.
why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home
does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?
The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 
how am i a person who shares so little yet so much
BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me
but how fucked up am i
and will that push them away
im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting
and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.
im exhausted 
One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it
i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD
I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around
Matt
He makes me question if im asexual
But I am only a human
porbably deifntieyl still asexual
but too much all the same 
Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 
hours.
this is becoming poetry.
I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record
stop being poetic fuck off liz
he;s so 
I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time
we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 
because voices is what we like to do
i love voice acitng 
he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do
he likes what i do
he loves the characters and my many talents
he loves my writing
he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends
is it for me?
does he want... me
or just my character maggie that everyone loves
he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer
he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am
i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly
he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth
“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”
“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 
its been so long since ive been understood by a peer
(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)
“No, not yet at least.”
*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*
“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”
thank you isha for lightening the mood
thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.
my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed
soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.
just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did
sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.
i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.
I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all
i was comfortable with the idea but
it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.
i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 
I will respect him to tell me.
he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)
I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me
i felt young again
when the stream was over he got up to leave.
i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word
i dont know if we did
we made small talk
shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening
i agreed.
the last words that night were goodnights.
me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him
he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)
it was a nice night
when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier
i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video
i just went to sleep
2 am
i hope the weather continues
- jaques cruzio, pink panther
now im just in bed
at the family home
not my dorm
fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest
i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago
and here we are 
12:14 am
just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.
i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.
I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.
i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life
because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes
(so far)
thanks for listening, void.
actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.
proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.
or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.
I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.
i like in person better.
with anyone.
always have
i have so much more on my mind
#me
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dxmedstudent · 5 years
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The dilemma I’m 34 and have been in a close friendship group with four other women since university. Our relationship has been a constant comfort, but during the past year I’ve found it incredibly difficult to connect with them as all four have had babies. Suddenly our WhatsApp group looks more like Mumsnet – and I just can’t relate. I don’t know if I want kids or not. My husband puts no pressure on me, but this is bringing out the worst in me. I feel left behind, confused and judgmental as these friends enter motherhood. I feel isolated and incapable of contributing, and when I do I feel disingenuous. I try to widen the conversation, but it always reverts back to babies. I don’t want to lose these people, but I feel marginalised, as if I’m fundamentally missing out on some intensely female purpose. How do I step back without being overly dramatic?
I think this is an interesting topic, and it goes way beyond just kids. This, and other variations of this, will affect your 20s, 30s and beyond. We all experience life milestones differently the older we get, as our lives all go separate ways and we make different choices. You might start off imagining that you and your friends will always be going out all the time, forever, but these things tend to become more difficult with time. And that’s OK. I like the suggestions given in the comments section that the letter writer should see their friends alone, so that the conversation doesn’t default to babies; that’s very practical, and it’s much easier to plan meetups with less people. I also think it’s rpagmatic to accept that these conversations will dominate things sometimes, but that they can also perhaps tell their friends they’d like to change the topic sometimes. I’m quite saddened by people who write that their friends stopped caring aobut them after they had kids, or that they just got new friends when their old ones had kids, because I really can’t see friends as disposable.  This person feels left behind, but I hope it’s true, as many people have said, that their new-parent friends will reconnect when they’ve gotten over that initial new baby all-encompassing panic.
I wonder how much of it stems from the letter writer’s own struggles to understand and articulate their feelings about whether they want to have children. It’s OK to be conflicted. In some ways, it reminds me of how some of my friends struggle to process their feelings when confronted with their seemingly happily married friends with kids. They really want to be happy like that, too, and their feelings of envy are human. Deep down, they fear they will never find that kind of happiness, and it makes it hard to be around others. 
I find it sad that a lot of the comments advise her to give up on her friends. I think it’s always sensible to make more friends; you’ll gain something different from socialising with people from different stages of your life. And life brings surprises; you never know who you will drift from, and who you will be really close to; I certainly couldn’t have predicted it.  But that shouldn’t have to mean ‘giving up’ old friends; there’s no reason they can’t still be a part of their friends lives. Having different interests or priorities doesn’t mean you have to give up entirely, even if it does mean you won’t always be quite as close. But friendships often subtly drift apart for lots of reasons, and ultimately, it’s part of human relationships we need to accept. We won’t be as close to any set of friends as we were when we occupied a classroom, or a dorm, or a workspace etc. As we move on, and spend time with other people, things change. I don’t have a lot of friends who have kids, even though I’m in my 30s; even though I know a lot of women. It’s probably because I came from a school of overachievers and then went on to medicine. Medical women seem to settle down later. So I haven’t had this situation happen to me; I’m not sure I mind because I’ve done my time in paeds and I find kids pretty entertaining. I love when colleagues talk about their kids.  Some of my single, childfree friends report that their friends with kids have disappeared, and that it can be hard to socialise with them because their lives are dictated by their children. I think that’s understandable, but I think we can still all work on maintaining a life.The guy I’m seeing has quite a few friends with kids, and they maintain an active social life as a friendship group, even though not all of them have kids, which is lovely. I find that pretty inspiring because they get to have a family but also still enjoy their hobbies and hanging out with their friends; that’s always been a life goal. They all still go on holiday as a group, toddlers in tow! He does point out, though, that socialising has changed a lot in subtle ways now that half his friends have other important priorities. I think that’s understandable, but it’s definitely better than when commenters suggest you abandon your friends who have kids because they can’t do the same stuff you all did 10 years ago. I just feel incredibly sad at the thought of irreperably losing friends. Even when things fade, it’s still worth catching up when you can, and reminiscing about old times. But I don’t think this is all about having children. The truth is, friends can drift a little bit for all sorts of reasons, not just children. Our lives evolve as we go through different experiences, and that changes us and how we interact. For example, My conversations aren’t the same as they were when I was at school; I’ll never be quite as silly as I was as a teen (though my gaming group would probably contest that!). When you’re in uni, a lot revolves around the fun (and trials) of uni. When we graduated, our conversation became focused on work. Medicine is pretty all-consuming. That doesn’t stop us from talking about books and games and the state of the world etc, but it’s definitely true that what we talk about evolves. Only a few of my friends have kids, but if it was more of them, I’m sure that would change, too. I think it’s no different than when you have to deal with a friend gushing about a new love of her life, who can’t help disappearing a little bit because they can’t keep their hands off each other. You can understand why they need to prioritise that time to get to know someone special. Or when a friend has relationship problems and every conversation is about the struggling or dying relationship. Commenters have pointed out that having a baby is a huge life event, no less preoccupying and emotionally massive than divorce or bereavement. When people have their first child, they have to come to terms with having someone’s life in their hands, and it is terrifying and all-consuming.
I’m friends with people from different stages of my life; I still talk to my bestie from primary school regularly. I Talk to school friends. I have friends from both degrees; my gaming group fit in this pile. I have friends from my foundation years. And friends that don’t fit in any of these categories. But that hasn’t been without breakups, and without people just drifting away from all stages of life. I still remember what it was like when my friends all went off to uni, and I was stuck on a gap year I hadn’t wanted; I felt left behind. Add to that geography; everyone went their own way, enjoying exciting new unis and making lots of new friends. Given that a lot of them also moved town, we didn’t always see each other often, but we kept in touch, and our friendships remained string through university. Most recently, some of my school friends have drifted a little since they got married and had to split their time between two sets of friends, but also that also became when they needed to play a bigger part in family and cultural/spiritual life in their communities. And whilst I love them, I understand that this is a part of their life I will never be able to share, and that their priorities may now be a bit different; though we still care for each other and see each other sometimes. Some of my uni friends drifted after some of us got into medicine and some didn’t, and I can see why it was a bit awkward after that, and not helped by us all moving around to different places. I wish I’d made mroe of an effort to keep up with some of my friends, but when you multiply that over several sets of friends, it’s just hard to keep  in touch. A lot of the time, geographical distance also makes a difference; it’s common for friends to spread out, particularly if they settle down with a partner.  My school friends have done that, and so have my university friends. My friends and I would love to meet more often, if we weren’t scattered around the outskirts of London. I have friends who live in Scotland, and friends who live even further away; in Australia. I check-in with my distant friends pretty often; some of my closest friends are ones I might not even see that often physically. I’m pretty envious of the guy I’m seeing because his friends mostly live fairly locally, I’d kill to be able to see my friends as often as he sees his. But I’m at peace with how things are; we do the best we can, and I value the time we can spend together, even though it does mean all of us playing life-tetris. I have to admit, I’ve been thinking about this more, as the long-term marrieds start to get more serious about having kids, and the single people I know have gotten more serious about dating. No doubt, things will change.  If more of us have kids, I don’t even know what it’s going to be like. But life finds a way.
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