#dxdates

[dxmedstudent]

Wedding photos came in!

Currently sorting through our wedding photos, which came early, as I'd like to make an album for us and family. It's not just that the phoyographers charge £££ for it, but I'd rather pock my faves than have someone else pick theirs. BUUUT that does mean sorting through more than 950 photos to whittle them down. The running theme seems to be "how are my eyes closed in half the photos, and my face derpy in the other half!" and "Gosh DxDude looks cute in all these photos, i can't possibly choose"

#dx dates #dxdates #dxweds #dxlives

[dxmedstudent]

A couple of weeks ago, DxDude and I made our wedding rings! Well, technically, made each other's wedding rings. It turns out there are lots of independent jewellers who will give you a class on ringmaking whilst you make your own rings. We started with a flat* band of white gold, and shaped it into a wonky ring, before straightening it out and making it actually ring shaped and the size it needed to be. After that, ensued a TON of polishing. My ring has a twist in it, which looks great with my engagment ring, and I love the almost fluid look it gives it. His ring was straightforward, and kind of felt like making the One Ring, but my man has big fingers so there was a lot more polishing to do.

Our jeweller was very helpful and enthusiastic, and I can't wait to leave a good review. We left our rings for hallmarking (and potentially engraving, but we kind of didn't want to alter them too much with that), and will hopefully pick them up tomorrow.

If anyone likes the idea of doing this, I highly recommend it. It was a relaxing afternoon, and an excellent couple "experience". Most jewellers (I really looked around) charge around the same price for the "class", and then charge for material costs depending on the amount of gold used - and it seems to be pretty similar wherever in the UK you do it. It was so fun, and I can't wait for more pictures. I had worried they might be a bit wonky- DxDude and I are both creative and good with our hands, but y'now, not actual jewellers. But they talk you through it all and by the end they look pretty good, at least to the naked eye! I've had a nasty cold this week, which has made me feel crappy all week But now I feel bummed because I was really looking forward to tomorrow. Now I only hope I can go pick them up and not feel like death. DxDude has of course offered to pick them up by himself, but I was really looking forward to the experience so I want to go unless I'm feeling really horrendous. I'm still really excited to get them back, though! Even it'll be over 6 months til I actually get to wear mine :)

Technically the bands weren't flat, they were shaped into the profile we wanted for the rings, but hey.

#dxlives #dx lives #dx weds #dxweds #dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

Screenshot from Twitter, in which twitter user sgtdgmby shares a screenshot of a creepy exchange they had from somoene on tinder. Fortunately they made clear that they wouldn't stand for his behaviour. What worries me is people thinking this is "just him being up front about his boundaries". No, because these aren't normal or healthy boundaries. In an actual relationship, it's common for people to have boundaries around for example, monogamy, and what degree of contact with people (including sex workers) counts as cheating. It might be reasonable for someone to say "I'm not comfortable with a partner going to strip clubs/having sex with other people" and they may also have discussions about where they both draw the line. There's nothing inherently wrong with stating you aren't comfortable with your partner having sexual/romantic contact with other people - if you have both agreed to be monogamous. But this ISN'T a relationship. This man wants a potential tinder date to commit to dating him exclusively before he's even met them (or even had a phone call) because he's insecure and angry about the idea that even an anonymous tinder date he's not met may have other options. And he's insecure that he may not be able to compete with that. And people like this exist - I used to see profiles that stated they absolutely needed any woman they talked to to only be exclusively messaging them. Now, online dating can be intimidating, and it's not uncommon to be ghosted, or meet someone and find it's not going to go anywhere. But you just have to keep trying - the answer isn't to try to manipulate people into agreeing to be with you before they've even met you. Like, sure, if you meet and hit it off, it's fine to discuss exclusivity whenever you are both happy. I've had friends agree to exclusivity after date 1 - albeit that usually ended up being with people who were much clingier than normal, which is why I think it's best not to rush into that decision. I'd consider it a red flag, though if someone wants to be exclusive before they even know you. Exclusivity is an agreement that you've found someone you like enough to focus on getting to know them; why would anyone commit before they've even met? It absolutely brings up concerns that this person is very insecure, very needy or very controlling. There's a high chance that someone like this is going to present you with a bunch of extreme boundaries for the rest of your relationship. There's an entire spectrum of boundaries. However, that's not to say all of them are reasonable! For example, many people are fine with boundaries like "no sex with other people including sex workers" or "please go low/no contact with your ex who keeps trying to make moves on you because they are undermining our relationship", whereas boundaries like "I don't want my partner to have any friends of the opposite sex, or any contact with people of that gender" and "you're not even allowed to masturbate because that's cheating" are a lot more extreme, and would be seen as controlling by others. Don't let someone persuade you that an unreasonable request is OK just because they pretend that it's a request and not an order. There's a huge difference between someone saying "look, let's have a varied and rich life together that involves others, but put each other first and make sure we are both comfortable" and "Only I may fulfil your social needs, you cannot even look at another person, don't even think about interacting with others AT ALL, I am ALL you need.

#dxdates #dx dates #i aint dating any more #i mean im with my partner but at this point it's not so much dating as sharing a life together #but anyhow let the tags stand

[dxmedstudent]

hi DX.. just reflecting and looking for some advice. yesterday I went on a date with a boy I have been somewhat talking to here and there and we had a lovely day. we were able to talk and get along, we had a few inside jokes, we walked around the Tate, we ate and he walked me back to my flat to drop off my food. he was a gentleman and I had a nice day but for some reason I always (and I have been like this always) feel a little underwhelmed. I assume first dates need to blow me away and need to be a 10/10 otherwise I'm wasting my time. Naturally, since it was a first date, neither of us were completely comfortable and I could tell he was a little shy (he was being very careful not to touch me- it had to be me who maybe held his arm... Although this is a green flag as he was making an effort to be respectful). Idk I guess I just have this expectation of needing an amazing date whereas this could have even easily have been a friendship date..

I can see what you mean.

It can be hard - dates can be nerve racking, and if you've been looking forward to meeting someone it can feel intimidating because you really WANT to like them. The thing to remember is this: you won't have chemistry with the vast majority of people. And even some of the ones you like, you'll go on a couple of dates and realise that actually, you're not that attracted to them after all. That's frustrating but it's part of the process.

I think however that sometimes we just have entertaining dates with people we have no chemistry with but who make fun people to talk to. When I was online dating, most of my dates were squarely like that. And like you, I sat there during or after the date trying to work out if I should see the guy again to make sure, or just let him know that the spark wasn't there. If I wasn't so busy, I might have seen a couple of the guys more than once. But in the end I just felt that I'd eventually find someone with whom I did feel a connection. I realised that I just picked decent guys and was good at making small talk. For me, when you have chemistry with someone, you'll know. The date won't necessarily be passionate - feeling attraction doesn't mean you'll ravish each other the minute you meet. But when you get that feeling, you don't wonder if you should see the person again, you know. you want to see them again. The idea of touching them feels exciting. The idea of kissing them feels exciting. The idea of... well, you get the picture. Can you picture yourself kissing this guy? Going further? Are you excited about that possibly being on the cards at some point? Or do you feel an uneasy sense of dread?

TBH I just don't feel 'that way' about many people, so I have at times felt frustrated because the people I liked were few and far between, and usually didn't return the favour. So perhaps you're like me and just need a bigger sample number until you find people who click with you. Some people end up going on a ton of dates before they find someone they really want. Of course, some people are asexual and aromantic (and some are on the grey end of the spectrum) - but this is something you find out through experience and getting to know yourself.

I think time will tell if he's into you. You're right that respectful guys won't be pushing your boundaries - they will be reading your level of interest and touchiness to decide when to step things up physically. Society teaches girls that if a guy likes us then he'll keep pestering us, and that guys should be making all the moves (sending dick pics, being physically insistent etc) - but that's just repackaged rape culture insisting that men just can't help themselves. In reality, a guy with a healthy respect for women will move things forward gently when they get a clear impression that you're interested in going there. However, until you and he spend a bit more time together it will be difficult for you to say how much this guy likes you back. It sounds like you were both a little awkward, which is fine! It's pretty normal in fact. Most people aren't smooth, seductive or practiced at this kind of thing - nor do they need to be. My first date with my current partner didn't involve any kisses - I had a nasty cold and certainly wasn't intending to spread it! Frankly that cold lingered for weeks so it was a while before we made up for lost time! I would say that initiating a bit of physical contact, or sharing a kiss if you feel like it can definitely help clarify if you feel anything for someone.

I love museum dates - but because they are public and involve a lot of standing and walking around it can be hard to get an intimate vibe during them because you spend most of the date both looking at other stuff. So I'd also recommend for the first few dates minimum, to make sure you take a coffee or a meal with them for part of the date - sitting opposite each other and making lots of eye contact can help clarify if you feel something, too. I think I can pinpoint the time I realised I was falling for my BF back to having lunch in a museum cafe and thinking he had the most kind, handsome eyes.

If you had fun and think there's a chance you might like him, but you aren't sure you could always agree to another date - it's not like you're agreeing to marriage. But if in your gut you feel that you don't, then you certainly don't have to.

#dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

Covid-tests and culpability...

(summary: some guy on AITA reddit saying his partner got hospitalised for a respiratory illness in January. 13 days later, completely in line with CDC advice, she restarted social activities that weren’t banned at the time. He later dumps his fiancee for giving everyone covid despite the fact he has no evidence of this, and there was no guidance to suggest what she did was wrong)

From a medical point of view, I want to correct any misconceptions:

guidelines change all the time. In the UK, for example, we’ve always been expected back at work 7 days after we first got covid symptoms, as long as we were fever-free in the 48 hours before going back to work, and the cough was getting better.

The CDC’s reccommendations are: 3 days with no fever and Respiratory symptoms have improved (e.g. cough, shortness of breath) and 10 days since symptoms first appeared.

this woman spent 13 days off work and 5 days in hospital. By most standards, she would have cleared the CDC’s recommendations and certainly would not have been expected to stay home later.

We aren’t sure how long people remain infectious - even my occupational health consultant admitted that the time we tell people to take off is a bit arbitrary. But people have to go back to life at some point - you can’t just make everyone take an extra fortnight or month off just in case.

This was also at a time when we didn’t know a lot about the illness, and guidelines were more lax in a lot of places. If guidelines are later found to be wrong - that’s life. We work on the best info we have at the time, but this changes. You can’t blame someone for not following today’s guidelines before they existed. That’s not how this works.

you can’t judge someone’s actions in hindsight given how much has changed in this time period. we’re talking about Jan/Feb - there were relatiively few cases in the US or UK at the time, and the risk of catching it was thought low. Hell, in my hospital we were only allowed to test people who’d been to hotspots like Wuhan, with special permission from the microbiology team. He’s looking at it through the lens of today, and allocating certainty that was not present at the time.

She had positive antibodies ages afterwards - there’s no guarantee that that particular illness in January was Covid - technically the flu was a lot more prevalent in most places at the time. Statistically, it’s more likely to have been flu. It may have been covid, but she could equally have caught it later and carried it asymptomatically.

At that time (Jan/Feb) a lot of official advice was to carry on as normal or to practice good hygeine as long as you were symptom free. If it was wrong for her to go to church, then it was wrong for the church to be open at all in the pandemic. In reality, a lot of decisions could have been made to decrease social interaction earlier, in a lot of countries. But it wasn’t - and we all probably  share some collective blame for that, but most of the responsibility belongs to the leaders who should have been making those decisions. 

This guy telling his fiancee to stay home for another 2 weeks after all her symptoms disappeared is completely not evidence based - as in, no official sources were recommending this approach. This isn’t about him telling her to follow the law or curent guidance, he literally pulled an arbitrary time figure out of his butt and then got mad that she didn’t do whatever he said.

Would it be better for people who have just been sick with covid symptoms to stay home longer if they can? Sure, it probably wouldn’t hur to make sure it’s more likely to be out of your system. But that’s by no means law or official guidance, nor should people be punished for not staying home longer than recommended.

You really shouldn’t assume that she was the one who gave everone covid. She could just as easily have caught it from the same person who made everyone else at the church sick - who may not even have had symptoms. It’s an AH move to hear other people tested positive and immediately assume your SO is the one who got everyone sick and needs to be punished. It suggests he doesn’t like or respect his ex partner much, since he immediately thinks the worst of her.

It takes a special kind of AH to think ‘huh, I think the pastor’s wife was pressuring her to come back’, but then still lay the full blame on your GF for giving into that pressure. If I feel my SO is being pressured, I’m mad on their behalf, I’m not mad at them for struggling with it.  If you think your GF shouldn’t have gone back, then you should hold your religious leaders accountable for not protecting the vulnerable by cutting social acitvities and not letting people stay off sick. There are a lot of complex decisions that go into how people have navigated lockdown - whether they followed the rules, or not.

It actually seems that he’s a lot more mad that she didn’t do what he said, and his focus is very much on the fact that he feels he was ‘right’. This comes across as being all about control, rather than any genuine care for his partner or others.

Lots of people get sick in a pandemic, it’s hard not to spread illness. We try to do our best, but people can still get sick from us, and that’s just how it is, living in a pandemic. Following guidance helps, but nobody is perfect, and ostracising everyone who messes up isn’t actually gonna fix anything.  Hey, I’m a doctor, I see people make mistakes on a regular basis, that’s just life.

I kind of feel that I shouldn’t have to point it out to a churchgoer, but people are allowed to make mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Apparently the aim isn’t to talk to people about how to do better, it’s to have a go at them and then ostracise them for things largely outside of their control. There’s something hilariously unchristian about his conduct with his SO, and I’d rather be an atheist than buy into whatever form of Christianity he’s supposedly buying into.

She didn’t make a mistake IMHO - she followed regulations.

But if she did make a mistake - is that how you treat your SO when they’ve made a mistake and feel ashamed and bad about what happened? Belittle them, make it all about you (’I told you so), then cut them off because they should apparently have listened to you? Ignore their sincere repentance? Use this as an excuse to be outraged and sanctimonious?

This may come as a shock to some but: SOs aren’t perfect and people mess up. If your response to a partner making a small mistake (as opposed to being a chronically abusive, toxic person) is dumping them because they didn’t do what you want, then you’re really not mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone engaged. If you’re in a relationship, there will be times when your SO messes up - and if they are a decent person they’ll feel bad and try to do better. You can encourage them to be the better person next time, but why would you want them to feel even more terrible? Why would you punish them for something they can’t fix? Why would you go out of your way to hurt them? Don’t you love this person? And is that how you’d like to be treated when you inevitably make mistakes, too?

We are going to see a lot more stories like this - people mad about others not quarantining properly or breaking rules, or being human. Please don’t be the kind of sanctimonious AH who holds people to some impossible standard.

Sure, we can be mad when someone blatantly doesn’t follow important rules, that’s human. But we shouldn’t just turn this into another stick to beat everyone with - because that says as much about us as it does about them.

#covid-19 #dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

What was your first/second impressions of your current BF? :) I understand you guys met through online dating which is great! But how did you feel about him in your first few interactions... Sometimes when I meet a guy and I don't feel a connection or chemistry, or they haven't actively made a good impression (I feel neutrally) I just assume that they aren't really my type and I move on... I have this idea that there should be some sort of a click from our first meeting.. is that immature/hasty?

Oh, be prepared for a long and soppy answer XD We did meet online. We got the chance to message for a couple of weeks before we met, due to my oncalls. We sent long, enthusiastic messages to each other and in retrospect we got on better than online dates usually do, right from the start. The poor guy actually had to ask me out twice cos I didn’t spot it the first time. It was the first time I was nervous about meeting an online date, because I really wanted us to like each other in person. I approached most online dates with fun curiosity and an open mind, but I think he was always a bit different - conversation with him always felt more natural and silly. My first impressions  when I saw him were simultaneously “Sh!t, he wasn’t lying about being tall” and “OH. He’s cute.” He looked just like his picture, but better.  In real life something kicks in that you don’t get from a photograph. I can’t really explain chemistry, except it feels like something inside you goes “!!!!!!!!!”.  You get to notice all the little details about them bit by bit. It doesn’t stop after the first date, either - falling in love is a process of realising more and more things you like about a person until you’re like “WAIT what”. I never doubted that I’d want to see him again or that I found him attractive. And his conduct was considerate and made it clear he was equally keen - he’d ask me out again at the end of every date, and that always made me feel excited! If you’re not sure how you feel, think about how you’d feel if they asked you out again or if they tried to kiss you - excited? Terrified? Disgusted? Because it’s things like THAT which can really make it clear to you if you’re not into someone at that point in time. What happens if you brush their hand, or hold hands?  You don’t even have to launch into physical contact if you aren’t ready - simply thinking about it will give you a clue. With online dating, I had lovely dates where guys would ask to meet again, and it’d fill me with dread - that helped me to confirm that I knew they weren’t for me. A friend of mine went online dating a few years before me (she’s now engaged!) and she advised me to just date lots of people. Now, that technique can need tweaking - for me messaging beforehand helped me to cut out so many guys who weren’t worth my time. But I agree with her that you need to be open and try anyone who seems like a decent person who could be a contender. Be clear on what are deal breakers for you, and if someone breaks your rules or your gut says ‘no’ then cut your losses politely and move on.  If you don’t gel with a guy on a date, it’s not because he doesn’t fit a template -  he just doesn’t gel with you. And that’s OK. If you feel there’s promise, maybe see him again and see if you feel anything. If not, it’s OK. Keep seeing more people - the more you meet, the better an idea you’ll get of what you like, and the kind of things that work for you. I’m a bit faceblind, so I didn’t put too much importance on people’s pictures when I was online dating. Because I don’t really feel sure that you can know if you’re attracted til you’ve met. For example, the Guy had nice pictures - well lit, fairly professional looking, smiling. But I thought he looked even nicer in person. But even guys I didn’t fancy in real life still usually looked better in real life than online - so try not to judge by the photo alone. I’ve also had blind dates - they never really went well. No attraction, not much in common, I really should have seen a picture first. Some of them made me realise it’s possible for someone to be really hot, but just not attractive to you. I know people can feel insecure about hot exes or colleagues etc but really, it’s possible to literally date hot people and have really fun conversations with them and be like “Eh, not doing it for me”. Chemistry is a strange thing - when it’s not there, it’s not there. The guys I’ve actually liked have by and large not been nearly as hot conventionally as some of the guys I’ve turned down- they’ve just been really hot to me with their quirks and all.  Funnily, the Guy is my ‘type’, or rather, the kind of guy 15 year old me imagined ending up with - nerdy, quiet, funny, smart. Looks good in glasses. Dark hair. But like... aged up 20 years. So if I had a type I guess he would be it, but my idea of the kind of guy I might like never stopped me from dating people who were very different. I don’t really believe in ‘types’ - I think its a broad term that means different things for different people. For some it might be “blonde women with big boobs or men with muscles” for somoene else “guys who make me laugh”, for someone else “ people who are emotionally unavailable”. It’s innocent if your type is relatively broad and yields people you can sustain  a relationship, but it can be actively harmful if your type becomes a self-sabotaging repeat of seeking out people with the same maladaptive qualities that didn’t work last time. Try not to think of yourself as having a type, but as there being a lot of potentially great people out there that you might fit well with - some if which you just might not have considered before. I don’t believe in love at first sight, either. “!!!!!!!” isn’t love - it’s a combination of attraction and gelling really well together - but neither of those has to make you compatible in the longterm.  That said, online dating can make it hard because it’s a bit unnatural. Traditionally we live in communities which means we have time to get to know people. When people meet by hanging in the same social circles or attending the same events, you get to talk again and again and that helps you to work out how much you have in common, how easy it is to talk to each other, etc over time. Sometimes romantic feelings develop out of friendship. So if something feels pleasant or promising, it doesn’t hurt to keep hanging with someone as long as you don’t misrepresent what you feel. The problem with dating is it asks you to commit to a romantic relationship from the outset so it can feel intimidating if you’re not sure. If you don’t have chemistry with someone at the start, you absolutely don’t know that it could ever develop - which is why most people say “let’s be friends” then move on. Perhaps we all miss out on people who we might have liked if we got to know them better. But it’s not really possible to date everyone we’ve met for an extended period ‘just in case’.  And we can’t keep around every man we’ve ever met as a ‘friend’ in case feelings happen. So you have to accept that in reality you have to move on at some point. A guy I once dated and I were talking about our lack of chemistry, actually, when he said “I don’t know why it wasn’t there because we had a great time and you’re great - but I have to trust that I’ll feel it if it’s the right person”. You just have to keep looking, sometimes.And all you can do is do your best. In dating same as with anything else. Good luck :D

#Anonymous #personal #my life #dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

hey dx I feel like i haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing and how is life for you right now. Hope everything is well.

Aww, that’s so sweet of you! Yeah, I’ve been away from tumblr more than usual - and when I’m on, I often lurk because I’m too tired to contribute posts of my usual length. I am here, and I do check back. I hope you’re all keeping well, too! I’m OK. I’m back in London, awaiting the second wave of the pandemic that’s gripped us all. In case you missed it, I got covid around March (got it hot off the press from the covid wards, I think) - I went to work after a week because I was cleared. But I’m going to be honest - I felt short of breath on and off for a long time afterwards. Fortunately my hospital at the time wasn’t hit as badly as some and I feel I got off lightly - even though I don’t know what the longterm effects are.  I’m in the midst of sorting my general career and life direction path, having had a busy time of it in recent years. I’ve been coming to a decision about how healthy hospital medicine is for me, and what I enjoy, and the kind of doctor I want to be. It’s meant taking time to explore what I want, and undergo some career counselling, but I think I know the direction I want to go in now. I’ve just been busier overall, which unfortunately has meant that I haven’t had the energy to restart my comic or draw as much as I want to. I’d been spending a lot of time on postgraduate studies/exams on top of work over the past year or so, so I’ve been busier for a while. But I’ve put that on hold at present, which means a bit more time to myself finally.  It’s not all work, though! I started dating again a while back. I’m really happy, but that’s also given me lots of really fun things to do that aren’t being online or doing my more solitary hobbies. He’s very supportive of my creative silliness. I feel like I’ve found the one alien on whatever weird wavelength I’m on. Rest assured that I’m well looked after, and supported. My family are safe - at present. But my relatives back home are stuck somewhere with poor healtchare and few people taking precautions - so it’s scary.  I’ve lost distant relatives to covid-19, and there’s nothing stopping me from losing people I know and love about, save dumb luck. I have a friend or two suffering from more sever long covid symptoms than me - and they have no idea what’s going on with their bodies, which is scary for all of us. Right now, I’m trying my best to look after my patients, look after my loved ones, and do fun things to make myself feel better whenever I can. How is everyone else doing?

#personal #my life #dxdates #dx dates #Anonymous

[dxmedstudent]

I am a 58-year-old woman, married for 30. Although I like my husband, I find him physically repulsive. His lovemaking is so boring and always has been. I have tried to explain that foreplay is important, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying he is crap in bed, but our sexless marriage has become a thorn on my side. Can you help? Please don’t advise counselling – he would never agree.

Letters like these are always disappointing to read, and are also one of the reasons I agree with my mum’s advice that ideally you shouldnt leave sex until marriage if your belief system and personal comfort let you. Imagine having lived your entire married life with only one sexual partner who has never remotely fulfilled your needs, not even at the start. People in longterm relationshps often struggle with sex when lives get busy and people get sick and things aren’t quite like the heady days of their youth. But it must be hard when things have never been good. She can’t even say that she loves her husband, though she’s kind enough to not want to hurt his feelings.

I’m disappointed with the answer, particularly :

To be married for so long to someone unattractive to you, and to have such a poor opinion about your husband’s lovemaking, suggests that you are not terribly interested in sex yourself; that there are many positive factors that outweigh it in your marriage; that you do not want to upset the status quo; or that you regard yourself as a victim in your relationship.

We can’t know the precise beliefs and background of the letter writer, but there’s a good chance that she was brought up in a time when women’s sexual needs were seen as relatively unimportant, and that therefore both she and her partner didn’t adequately prioritise her. A lot of women were led to believe that this is just something you have to put up with; or that’s all that sex is. Hey, I know people much younger who have expressed similar views that PIV is basically ‘all about the man’, only enjoyable sometimes,  and that women only really do it for emotional intimacy. If you’re used to a partner who doesn’t know what to do, or makes no effort to please you, you’re not going to have a frame of reference for a healthy or exciting experience. It’s insulting to suggest that this woman might just not be interested in sex when she wrote in to complain that her unfulfilling intimate life is making her miserable. There could be lots of reasons she didn’t want to break up the relatonship - stigma surrounding divorce, financial dependancy, kids, (for some people, also abuse). Perhaps she’s always considered him a good man in other ways and not wanted to hurt him. We can’t guess at her exact reasons. The point here seems to be that he’s either too stubborn or embarrassed to listen to her talk about what might make it good for her.

#relationships #dxdates #dx dates #feminism

[dxmedstudent]

Ownership.

This is a rant about how we see relationships, so buckle up, because it’s a long post. I’ve had patients assumeI turned their advances down was because I wasn’t allowed to date patients - and it rubs me up the wrong way because it assumes that the default is that I would love to, but just can’t. People are allowed to just not be attracted to you, and the assumption shouldn’t be that they are interested. It’s weird. You’ve met me for all of 10 minutes and all we spoke about was your diarrhoea, what the hell makes you think we have anything in common, any chemistry, or that I had any interest in you outside of work? As young docs, we’ve been warned that patients can at times mistake our professional interest for romantic interest. It can often happen to people who are lonely and don’t have many positive interactions in their life. And it’s nice to know that someone feels listened to. That I can get. But it’s still not appropriate to proposition your carers or put them in a position where they have to think about their safety and comfort because patients are crossing a line. At best, it’s a little awkward. At worst, it’s just creepy.  My availability and attraction is not a default, just because I’m a woman. For similar reasons, it annoys me that there’s an entire thing about someone being ‘spoken for’.  A person is not a posession owned by another. People shouldn’t have to tell you they have a boyfriend for you to leave them alone. Mate, I had a perfectly happy life as a singleton, and much of the time wasn’t looking for anything - please don’t presume you’re in with a chance just because someone is single. I can usually tell the people who ask “are you married” to make polite chit chat from those who perhaps... aren’t.  I’m not even trying to focus this on patients - really that’s a small minority of experiences, but rathe that women get sick of dealing with these questions in general. It particularly bugs me that culturally we often say that someone’s 'taken’ because they have a wedding ring. It’s creepy when someone says “well, there’s no ring” as if being married is what makes someone ‘off limits’ - rather than someone agreeing to a committed monogamous relationship. Of course, it’d be skeevy to proposition someone who was clearly married - don’t get me wrong. The point that propositioning people at random with no actual indicator they are interested is skeevy, regardless. And that people shouldn’t only listen to ‘no’ when they fear they are encroaching another man’s territory. It’s weird that people also still use the terms “single” and “married” as if that’s what defines availability. This isn’t 1930. Yes, those are fine as legal terms - to summarise whether someone is financially and legally independent or tied with someone.  Which is all forms care about, really. For example, I’m legally single which means I only worry about my own taxes right now.  However, socially, the stage at which most people decide they are committed to their partner and aren’t looking to audition anyone else isn’t actually marriage - it’s when they first agree to be an exclusive couple. And for most people, that’s much earlier than when they get married.  Sure, marriage is when you both agree it’s forever - if you actually believe in marriage. But it’s not like you get a free pass to shop around until the day you put on a white dress.   I feel like the  focus on marriage and the visual signifiers thereof stems from when marriage was seen as ownership - you were either single or belonged to a partner, having been passed from your father’s responsibility to your husband’s. Courtships weren’t usually prolonged, and sexual activity before marriage was frowned upon - because the intention wasn’t to establish compatibility through getting to know each other before marriage, but whether both families agreed it was a good match. And until the deal was sealed legally, it didn’t count, because one family or the other could back out - but it didn’t really matter because people didn’t take that much time over sealing the deal.  However, now people have long, invested courtships that usually go on for years before marriage - if marriage is even a thing that couple want. And whilst I’m not at all against marriage personally, we need to stop devaluing relationships that aren’t marriage as if they don’t matter. Particularly since not everyone can even get married. A woman isn’t up for grabs until some man legally marries her - she chooses for herself if she’s interested at all, and she chooses with her partner when other people are no longer an option. And she doesn’t have to explain any of that to you. ‘No’ really should be enough. And when you pressure women who appear single to defend their decision to turn you down, what you’re really implying is that unless there’s proof she’s someone else’s property, you won’t stop pestering her. Single people can have absolutely no interest in you or even dating in general. And they don’t have to explain their status or whether they are interested - a simple ‘no’ shold be enough. I spent a long time single, and I can tell you there’s nothing more insulting than the assumption that  if you’re single, you must be grateful for any attention you get.

#dxdates #dx dates #feminism #marriage

[dxmedstudent]

Omg a man just proposed to his girl in the train station right next to me. I was zoned out on my phone in front of the departures screen, so I may have missed some cues to politely disappear, and ended up like a metre away when the ring was whipped out.

But... I'm not sure anyone expects that in a busy train station. She seemed a bit stunned, and didn't look like how you'd hope to feel wgen your life partner proposed. It was a bit awkward for a while and I didn't know where to look (given they were right in front of the screen I was watching for my train time). I did my best to avoid staring because I'd hate to be in that position.

I'm not a 'big showy event' kind of girl, nor would I want a public proposal so this would definitely not be my kind of thing. I can't help but feel she looked a bit shocked and underwhelmed. I hope it's the kind of thing they were both hoping for.

Maybe it's a special place to them, but even so, it's important to feel out what your partner hopes for in a proposal. Because I can't help feeling that this was not it...

#dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

The ask meme: amber and lantern.

amber - share an unpopular opinion that you may have. I didn’t like the vagueness and arbitrariness of the lockdown relaxations the other day. Nobody NEEDS to travel to a park many miles away, or even half the country away. Nobody NEEDS endless exercise - not in a pandemic. Garden centres are nice, but frankly not that important. I resent that cleaners and nannies are allowed, but seeing your family or boyfriend isn’t. Or, I mean, you can techically travel as far as you like to exercise and are allowed to meet them in an outdoor space from 2m away.  I had a pretty depressing conversation with the boyfriend about how I could technically see him legally, but the rules would mean it’d require a lot of travel and effort  (out of my valuable free time) for a short time together - well not together, unless you count standing 2m apart to be together in which case you must be from an Austen novel. We decided it’d be best if we spent that time together virtually instead, until the rules would allow us to spend more time together meaningfully. I felt pretty guilty because of course if I *can* see him and want to, then I’d feel bad for not trying - whereas  he doesn’t want me to go to an excesive effort to visit him when I’m already tired and stressed as is. Not when we can continue to have fun via video chat and doing stuff together every day. I don’t see how we’ll keep people adequately socially distanced at work. I know that lots of people desperately need to work - but I worry that their sectors will still struggle. I worry about all the people with health conditions that will feel forced back into work. I’m glad the furlough scheme is extended til October - it’s going to take tiem for a lot of industries to bounce back, and it’d be really bad if lots of people were made redundant. we’ll really struggle if the economy grinds to a halt - there are so many people whose employment and living conditions are precarious, and who could end up jobless and homeless.

I think the UK’s lockdown restrictions being loosened is going to result in a second wave of infections - and maybe even more waves. I suspect our social distancingmeasures will need to continue for some time - months at the very least. I would much rather that we had caught this all early so that we had many less cases. Right now, I worry that people are going to take these rule relaxations as the chance to socialise much more freely, and that the freedoms we’ve been given aren’t the ones that matter the most - but we’ll still pay the price and probably get a new peak in deaths. The things that are allowed? Garden centres, travelling to national parks, nannies, cleaners? This definitely feels like the upper middle class politicians selecting things that they personally want and not considering that many of us live in different worlds. I’m certainly expecting to be busier in a few weeks’ time.

lantern - how did you meet your best friend? What were your first impressions of each other?

I’ve never had one best friend - not at primary school, not at secondary school, and certainly not afterwards. My oldest friend that I’m still in contact with is a girl I’ve known since primary school. When I was being bullied by the class as the new girl, she was the only one who still wanted to be friends with me. She’s moved abroad for work several times in our 20s and 30s so I can’t always see her often, but we’re still very much in touch and I see her whenever she’s in town. My sister’s the person who’s known me the longest and who probably knows the most about the convoluted workings of my mind. I met her when I was little - she startled me because I was not prepared for how pink and wrinkly little babies were! I have no idea what her impression was of me, given that she was a neonate. We’re still very close, having somehow survived our teens without killing each other XD Our brother came along later, and he’s pretty cool to chill with. I hope I’m a good influence XD The Guy is the person I talk to the most, and we confide in each other the most, probably. He's good at making me feel better when I’m worried or sad, I’m lucky that he’s a pretty calm soul. That said, he’s not a medic, so I try not to overwhelm him with medical stress. We don’t share a long history together yet, so we’re always learning more about each other. So far it’s been fun. We met via online dating, though due to my shifts it was a couple of weeks before we could meet in person, and I was really hoping that we’d get on as well in person as we did online. My first impression was simultaneously “Oh, he’s cute!” and “Sh!t, he wasn’t lying about being tall”. I don’t know what his exact first thought was when he saw me, but he was grinning, and he’s still around for some reason, so I’m guessing he has no major complaints.

#askdx #ask dx #dxdates #dx dates #lazydevilmonkey

[dxmedstudent]

So the Guy’s Xmas present for me this year is that he 3D sculpted a mini of my DnD character, from scratch, and had it made for me. It’s finally arrived (in time for Valentine’s day, funnily enough) and she’s just. So. Beautiful.

I'm in love.

I’d mentioned to him in passing that I’d been looking for a mini to stand in for her out of existing ones on the market, so I could paint it. But I gave up when none were really that similar and a lot of them were wearing bikinis. My fireball-hurling girl would not be caught dead casting dangerous magic in her underwear.

And I’m so touched. It’s NBD to him in terms of skill because he creates stuff like this in general, but he spent a lot of his Christmas break on it, and I know how valuable time is when you’re busy. I barely draw recently unless I really care about it.

As an artist I can’t explain how much it means to have someone make something for you. Especially since I know how much time it takes, and how long an artist pores over the details that people probably don’t even notice, hoping to get it right for someone they care for. I made sure to show him how much I appreciate all the little details <3

And I just want to gush over it, because it’s like, the best thing ever. But I can’t show you all because of anonymity reasons. And TBH with the kind of traffic my blog sometimes draws, it’d seem cruel to expose the poor guy to it XD

He’s seen my webcomic, which he reminds me of whenever I complain that he’s the artier out of the two of us, but I’m not sure he’s ready for the rest of tumblr, yet.

But I'm still so happy, and I'm going to obnoxiously show her off wherever I can.

#personal #my life #dnd #dx dates #dxdates

[dxmedstudent]

What’s a promise?

I may be a bitter and unromantic old woman who has much bigger fish to fry, but I recently found myself wondering what on earth Promise rings are about. I guess they are mainly a US thing, so I’m hoping to find out a bit more about how exactly they work because I’ve never come across them here in the UK. I kind of assumed they were the kind of thing 16 year olds did to promise they’d be in love forever. But I seem to be hearing that actual grownups do it, and it has me intrigued. And I kind of get the impression that the pressure to have big flashy and expensive engagements and weddings are feeding into that. I read that people give promise rings to symbolise that they promise to become engaged or marry at a later date... but if you’ve promised to marry each other and have even bought jewellery to commemorate it, aren’t you pretty much engaged? And if you merely promise to love each other forever, again, isn’t that amounting to something pretty similar? I kind fo feel tthat if I’ve gotten to the stage where I want to formally promise someone that I’ll be with them forever, then I’ve come to accept that I want to marry them. If you’ve formally promised to share your life with someone, and you believe in marriage, isn’t that effectively the same thing? OK, I get that it is whatever the couple is - if they don’t feel ‘engaged’ then they reserve the right to tell everyone they aren’t. But I wonder who this multi-level engagement process benefits apart from jewellers. I read that people might do it if they can’t afford an expensive engagement ring, but engagement rings don’t need to be expensive, so it feels like people are being pressured into engagements that are grander than they can afford. People should do what makes them happy, but it seems sad if people wait for years and years to save up for some big rock as if that’s the important thing.  I guess I can understand the value of a simpler ring that can be exchanged or upgraded later (I personally wouldn’t care, but I can see it’d matter to some couples), but again, if you’re giving a ring to promise something, it’s kind of hard to see where promise ends and engagement begins. Or if the relationship is quite new so you feel engagement is too soon but you have to prove you love them forever. But like... either you know enough to commit to someone, or you don’t. Getting to know someone isn’t shameful, and it doesn’t mean you don’t care for them. And some people stress that people might give a promise ring if they are really young and want to commit but aren’t ready for engagement, or they aren’t ready to buy expensive rings, or they want to plan a proper party, but there’s no rush to commit. If you’re ‘too young’ to get engaged or don’t feel ready, it’s OK not to make formal commitments, and relationships don’t need flashy jewellery or big gestures to be meaningful. It’s enough to tell someone that you love them and they mean a lot to you. Maybe I’m just old and cranky, but if someone wants to start making formal commitments, I’d want it to be, you know, an actual commitment, i.e  enagement or moving in or buying a house together. Or that they are for when people are disappearing off long distance and want to commit to something, but want to wait to be properly engaged. Which I can understand, particularly since I wouldn’t want a long engagement if I had one. But if you’re promising commitment, I can’t help but feel it’s pretty much the same whether you spend that time engaged or promised. I’ve even read that some people exchange promise rings to symbolise that they will both be abstinent, or both be monogamous. But like... for most of history either state has simply been either understood, or discussed simply. I’d feel pretty weird if a BF gave me a ring to symbolise the fact he intended to remain monogamous - ‘here babe, this is my “I won’t sleep with anyone else” ring’. Gee, thanks, if it wasn’t for that I’d be sure you were sleeping around!. Talking about marriage and getting formally engaged can be slightly different; a lot of people talk about getting married and agree on it before they become officially engaged. Even though technically, yes, an agreement has already been discussed. Some people suggest that in that respect, technically they are engaged before they are officially engaged, and I guess that’s probably true, but there’s also the concept of a formal engagement process because a lot of people people attach an emotional meaning to traditions and to such an important decision being marked by a big, meaningful event. and that’s OK, especially if it makes people happy.   and I guess it’s nice that the promise itself can be anything, as long as it’s meaning ful to the people it belongs to; I’ve seen the idea it can be for best friends, and that’s something I can get behind more easily than selling it as a pre-engagement thing. Because we don’t have many ways to mark meaningful friendships, but we kind of have more ways to mark meaningful romantic relationships. So I guess I should be able to see how you can have a pre- engagement ring and commitment. mean, if it works for people, then more power to them, I just don’t understand what it adds, apart from more jewellery. And frankly, since all the sites explaining them are jewellers, I’m going to find it hard to believe they haven’t been invented to sell more stuff to couples by inventing a pre-engagement engagement.

#dx really has more important things to worry about #but she writes essays to distract herself #dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

Language...

My friends started referring to the guy I’m seeing as my ‘other half’ aaages ago and it felt... weird? I’m not someone’s ‘other half’ just because we’ve dated for a couple of months. Even if we accept it as not a weird term (I’m a whole person, he’s a whole person, if we’re anything, we’re a team), we were like a few months into dating. To me, other half conjures up images of spouses and people who have been together a long time and do almost everything together. You know, when people live together and have a shared life together. And that’s... definitely not where you’re at after a couple of months dating. It’s kind of like when my friends would ask me to something and be like ‘Is X joining us?’ as if I know his timetable in advance and could speak for him. I mean, I dunno? I know it’s because they meant well, wanted to meet him and emphasise they knew he was important to me. And there are plenty of ways people have said and showed that which didn’t feel odd. Some of my friends have a much better idea of where I feel I am in this relationship. Though it only makes it more jarring when other people are completely off the mark. I felt a bit less weird when one of his friends called me his ‘partner’, more recently, so I guess I’ve made some progress with my issues. Sure, I don’t feel like anyone’s partner yet - we’re not at the stage where we make most decisions together, nor do we live together. To me, that term conjures up images of people who’ve been together for years and whose life together is settled. But it felt like a nice gesture from someone I wasn’t initially sure liked me (and of course you want to be accepted and liked by your person’s friends and family). It’s funny that it’d feel different coming from his friends than from mine. Or maybe it’s progress now that we’ve been seeing each other for a bit longer and I’m starting to believe that this is a thing. An actual thing.  Really, I’m only ready to be a GF right now, and that’s enough, but I’ll take it. And now that we’ve passed the year mark people are like ‘well, you could get married this year *wink*’ and that’s even more weird. I didn’t realise that seems to be the point at which external people start hassling you to commit because they feel you’ve been dating for long enough. I like where I am, and I’m happy with who I’m with, and I really just want to enjoy this thing as it goes, so please don’t freak me out with weird marriage pressure that is really all about other people. I never ask friends when they are going to get married, even if they’ve been together for years and years. Because you don’t know what’s right for people and it seems weirdly intrusive. I won’t even tell my relatives I’m seeing someone. Absolutely not. Because I know that I’ll get a ton of pressure from them. I mean, I did when I was single, why would they stop if somoene seems to have tolerated me for a while? Just... let people progress their relationships by themselves at their own pace. It’s really only between those people anyway.

#personal #my life #dxdates #dx dates

[dxmedstudent]

How to Date a Doctor...

(Or med student, nurse, physio, pharmacist, etc)

I remember discussing this on tumblr a while back, and occasionally someone asks a medblr for some advice, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to bring up some suggestions on how to deal with medics in your life. 

Going out:

Our timetables can be awful. We’ll be busy at times you’ll want to meet; it’s really not a sign we’re not interested, we just physically can’t be there when we’d like to be. Ditto if our jobs involve rotating to different places. Believe me, we find it as frustrating as you do. 

Work can be emotionally, mentally and physically draining. We spend some of our free time tired, sleepy, grumpy or indisposed to meet. If we’re sleepy or not much fun sometimes after a run of horrible shifts, it’s not personal. I’m not advocating putting up with a medic who spends most of their time being an antisocial jerk, but please bear in mind that sometimes we’ll just be exhausted.

So when it comes to going out, we might need to do things that are low effort; sometimes it’ll be dinner instead of something that involves walking, or even netflix rather than going out at all. Or... we might want to do things that are more active particularly because we want to make the most of our time and we’re finally out of the hospital so we want to live our entire life at once.

We might be used to eating or sleeping at weird times. If we turn up to a date and we’re not hungry, it’s not personal. Likewise if you notice that we’ve forgotten to eat/been too exhausted to eat, we appreciate when somoene reminds us to take care of ourselves, too. We’re often so fixated on taking care of others that we really can forget to take care of ourselves.

Because we work strange hours and are generally busy, you will have to be good at enjoying your own life, too; with or without us. Dating a doc isn’t for someone who feels like they need a partner to always be around every evening, and who needs their SO to accompany them to every event; we just physically won’t always be able to be there.

On the plus side, this means that we’re usually very accepting of SOs having hobbies and interests. Dating a doc is great for people who are more independent in themselves, because you can bet we’ll probably be too busy with our own lives to smother you in yours.

However, it does mean that if your timetable is also busy, you’ll both need to work extra hard to make things work. Unfortunately, drifting apart or struggling to find time to be together can be a real problem, particularly if you are both shift workers. It’s not impossible, though; lots of docs and nurses end up with other docs and nurses, and they make it work!

As I said, we end up staying late, or having to cover for colleagues. It’s a pain for us to organise leave or holidays, and our timetable can dominate our life. Having a doc or nurse in your life means living around complext timetables.This can be really trying for us as well as for you.

If you can, try to take some of the organisational burden from them, particularly if your job is less busy or time intensive than theirs. When your working life is already a massive, never-ending to - do list, it makes a big difference when somoene does their bit to make your personal life a bit less exhausting. You don’t need to become their PA, just be considerate.

Conversation:

I hope you like medical anecdotes. Because you’re going to hear them.

Our work is full of life and death stuff, and there’s a lot of ‘work’ stuff we have to do outside of work, so it can dominate our lives. Sometimes we need to get that off our chest. You don’t have to understand, but it’s nice if you can listen.

That said, you may have to gently remind them that there is more to talk about than just work. Whilst being with someone means talking about things that are important to them, it’s important that the person you are with doesn’t bore you constantly, either. We need distraction from work for our sanity, and you need to talk about things that are not our work, too. And it’s only fair that we don’t bore you to death.

Most of our friends are probably medics. Apologies for all of the medical conversations you’ll be stuck listening to because you’re hanging out with an entire group of medics.

If our work talk is too gory for you, please let us know. You’re seeing a person who’ll probably certify someone dead, stick a finger up someone else’s butt, look at several necrotic ulcers  and lots of people about their bowel habits all before lunchtime, so we tend to lose our sense of what is appropriate dinner conversation. No matter how strong your stomach is, we’ll probably stray into conversations that’ll test your tolerance, without even realising it. We spend so much time talking to other medics, that we can forget what normal people consider appropriate for casual conversation.

You think that we might always be into really intellectual entertainment (and we are, at least some of the time), but every doctor I know also needs to chill with really brainless entertainment once in a while because sometimes you just need to watch something that doesn’t make you think at all.

Don’t let their being a doctor or nurse intimidate you. If I had a pound for every guy who said “well, my job’s a lot less important/exciting/etc”, I’d be living somewhere a lot nicer. Healthcare professionals are normal people just like you; we’re really not some kind of class apart. We’ve got a dorky side or a quiet side or a goblin side, and we’ve got plenty of insecurities, too. If you put us on a pedestal, it makes it hard to have a genuine relationship.

Equally, if you date a doctor who makes you feel inferior, ditch them. You deserve to feel like an equal in any relationship.You have every right to expect courtesy from whoever you are seeing.

We are secretly dumbasses. People expect us to be smart all the time, but we’re human. We have weaknesses just like everyone else. It’s another reason you shouldn’t put us on a pedestal; we want to be loved for the dorks we are, rather than for some kind of intellectual ideal we can’t live up to.

Please don’t call us at work. We really can’t talk at work, though messaging is fine as we can respond to those if free. But be understanding that your medical paramour is probably super-busy at work to the point that checking their phone is not an option. Please don’t be offended if we take a while to reply. 

Being a part of each other’s lives /Living together:

We may be super organised to an anal-retentive degree, or we may be completely scatterbrained when it comes to having non-work stuff together. If we’re having a particularly bad time at work, we might need a bit of patience or prompting regarding shared life stuff. That’s not to say that the non-medic should do everything, but be on the lookout for when the medic in your life is overwhelmed with stuff and when you can give them a hand. If that’s not something you’re good at spotting, you can always just ask. 

People will often think you are lucky (”aren’t doctors, like, rich?”) and that it’s prestigious (”oh, a doctor, wow! lucky you! Free medical advice!”), but that’s not entirely fair on you, because dating doctors or nurses can be hard work! I think the people who put up with us (or rather the effect our work has on our entire lives) deserve a ton of credit. It’s not easy, and not everyone can do it (nor should anyone have to). And besides, you are a smart and interesting person in your own right, not defined by the job your SO does.

We deal with emotionally draining crap; sometimes we see some horrible stuff that we struggle to deal with. It won’t be easy for you to see someone you care about struggle with this, particularly if it’s not something that you can relate to. The way we deal with it can vary, and we may not always be able to cope, or deal with it in a healthy way. It’s not your fault if we’re struggling, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re expected to be a counselling service.

You might get pretty familiar with the signs of aniety and depression; a lot of medics can suffer from burnout or mental illness. The strain on your partner might also put a strain on your mental health. Look after each other and get help if needed. You absolutely shouldn’t suffer alone, and neither should they.

In the long run, you have to be able to trust your partner. We work silly hours, but you need to get to know someone well enough to trust that if they say they have a late shift, they aren’t playing around with someone else. That doesn’t mean you can’t have suspicions if warranted, but dating a doctor might be difficult for someone who is still getting over being cheated on, or who tends to jealousy and suspicions easily. We tend to have odd hours and stay late at work a lot, and we’ll always have plausible sounding reasons for not being around. So it helps if you aren’t someone who feels insecure or jealous easily.

If we wanted our nursing colleagues/fellow doctors/whoever at work, we’d be with them. It’s not uncommon for partners to feel a little jealous of the time their partner spends with work colleagues, but you are no less of a catch than any of their colleagues. And if they wanted their colleagues so much they would have already been with them.

That said. Don’t assume that doctors are all nice; there are plenty of people among us who aren’t necessarily good or honest. Trust a person’s actions over their words.  There are players amongst us, so don’t assume that just because someone is a doctor that it makes them a nice person; evaluate us according to the exact same criteria you’d use for anyone else.  You absolutely deserve to be treated with the same level of respect and honesty from one of us as you do from any other partner; there are no excuses for hurtful behaviour. Being a doctor or nurse is not a free pass to be a nasty person.

Don’t let a medic treat you like a servant or someone who is beneath them. No matter what you do, if you are dating them then you deserve every bit the same level of respect and courtesy that you give them. No matter how much of a hotshot your friends or family might think them, they are just a normal person to you, equal in every way. I remember an interview with some eminent doctor, in which the interviewer asked something like “What’s it like being married to someone like you?” and the person replied something like “At home I’m just ‘dad’ or a husband, like anyone else”. And that sums it up; we’re just normal people to those in our lives. 

Anyone got more tips to add?

#medblr #dating a medblr #dxdates #dx dates #romance #i guess

[dxmedstudent]

But being separated from my partner is still difficult. I miss him in a way that texting or Skyping doesn’t satisfy... If you do find yourself separated from your partner, maybe the best thing to do is acclimatise, treat it like a long-distance relationship, and embrace the various digital channels through which you can approximate intimacy. Video chat is of course the closest thing you get to a face-to-face conversation. It’s important to speak every day, even if you’ll eventually stop asking, “What have you been up to?”; all you’ll ever have done is feel anxious while hunched over a laptop at an angle guaranteed to give you lifelong back problems. At least there’s the ongoing collapse of the global economic order, which should keep conversation ticking over for a while.

He has a point. Being stuck in the same situation, I feel a strange sense of comfort reading about others going through the same thing. Rather disappointingly, the article doesn’t really offer much advice, but it explores another dimension to the way in which this pandemic affects people. As I’ve been saying before, it’s a luxuty to be in a situaiton where you can easily choose to move in with someone last minute at short notice. Many young people in the UK, in particular, live in small, cramped living conditions that don’t translate well to quarantine 24/7 with someone else. There are also plenty of people stuck somewhere between first date and ready to move in together - it can feel like a particularly big move with everything else going on. As the lockdown gets extended, my friends who are dating and I wonder how long it’ll be before we see our SOs again. Don’t get me wrong, as a clinician I support lockdown as long as necessary. I might even be relieved I won’t pass my germs on. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to expect that you may not see the person you love for months - won’t get to be there if they are sick, can’t hug them when they stress about job worries, and can’t plan how your future together might go now that the world order is somewhat turned upside down.

And weirdly, I feel that being stuck in quarantine alone is worse as 1/2 of a couple than it would have been if I was single - because now there’s someone to miss acutely. That’s not to say we don’t do stuff - we talk or do stuff every day, but it just doesn’t replace being physically intimate. You miss plenty of other people, too - I’d very much like a hug from everyone - friends, family. But a relationship is physical to a much greater degree than friendships or family bonds, which somehow makes it feel more noticeable when you’re stuck apart.

#coronavirus outbreak #relationships #infectious diseases #world news #uk news #covid-19 journal #dxdates #dx dates