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#i dont know man i never expected stuff like this to irk me
femmesandhoney · 4 months
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my mom is exactly the same as yours. she admitted to me multiple times - after i pointed out how horrible her boyfriend is - that she just doesn't "want to be alone". i think the one thing that marked me the most was when me, at 16 years old, said he did not respect her as a human being and she answered with "well, he's a man. it sounds like you want me to date a woman". i think that radicalized me.
it's not worth it to fight them. they know very well how horrible their men are, they just have no pride nor self-esteem. we expect other women to be like us (in particular the women we love) but it's a losing battle. i dont want to think WHAT would happen to me growing up seeing this shit if i was not a lesbian with a tremendous amount of dignity. i know it's hard but i think you should try to ignore him altogether, even when he's talking to you, and just stop bringing up the subject with your mom. she already knows.
im so sorry youve also experienced that w your mother, and that was such a heartbreaking thing she said, to think you as a woman do not deserve anything as basic as respect from a man you are partnered with is so depressing.
and i do mostly ignore him, but if i so much as am polite to him he takes it as if im like super warming up to him and wanna play pretend to be family which makes me so annoyed like fuck off you miserable man 🙄
and tbh i won't stop bringing it up bc her husband does irk me and ive never one to hide when stuff like that bothers me bc its often treatment of her and i won't stand by and let him say rude shit or be a useless bum
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thegetoufather · 3 years
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HOO BOY BABY I HAVE A FUCKING LIST
1. Specifically hard/mean dom Shouto - Arguably my biggest pet peeve because Sho’s my favorite. He is the softest and sweetest of service tops to me. He’d never ever want to hurt or degrade his partner whether it’s physically or emotionally and I’ll die on that hill (I also really don’t think he’d want any of it done back to him but that’s another thing. Shouto is honestly just very vanilla and servicing to me).
2. Overly mean Megumi - I see this one sometimes too, and like… We’re gonna sit here and act like this boy likes to degrade you and isn’t also secretly very sweet with his s/o outside of the expected teasing/mock annoyance? We’re gonna do that?
3. Hypersexual Bakugou - this one doesn’t bug me quite as much, but I very strongly headcanon BKG as being on the ace spectrum and I don’t know how common it is, so I’ll include it, hehe.
4. Making Deku and Armin either too mean or pushovers - There’s a middle ground that I feel should be met with them? Other people have talked about it already though, so I won’t elaborate. They wouldn’t even be mean in general to me, the worst they’d get is like… Firm.
5. Creepy Bert/Bert slander in general - He’s my BOY and all of TikTok can fight me.
6. Really specific one, but reducing Reiner down to “I am the Armored Titan and he’s the Colossal Titan,” (again, TikTok) because I don’t find it funny anymore. Also, I very much want to give him the love he deserves, but I feel like time skip Reiner gets like… Infantilized? In a way that’s icky, especially with ships. But that could just be my observation. I could apply that to a lot of other characters with trauma, too.
7. Literally almost all of fanon Haikyuu. I’ve never seen such bad flanderization.
8. This is a me thing, but I hate how every character has to be a hard, mean daddy dom regardless of their personality. Like, I’m a total softie sexually and honestly not all that kinky so maybe that’s why, but it bugs me. I just want more soft loving, hehe.
I’ll come back if I think of more. I hope this isn’t too aggressive, lol.
i literally switched to desktop to answer this one because you brought up A TON OF GREAT POINTS PLS (also not agro at all!!)
all my responses under a cut because.... i had a lot to say
1. sho is my favorite too!!! he is ,,, super vanilla and servicing,, just wants to make you feel good help. i feel like the endeavor trauma is often interpreted to like, make him turn into one with hard limits, and why is it never like ,,,, make him want to be the Ultimate Pleaser fr. also another sho characterization i hate is where they monopolize on the awkwardness and thats why hes a hard dom because he can only communicate that way??? like pro sho is suaver than you give him credit for y'all better believe it
2. mean megumi is something i never get LMFAO. like yea he gets irked with yuuji and nobaras antics but its not cause hes mean he's just more reserved in comparison to them??? this man isnt rude he grew up alone and learnt to survive, he's just like not vocal. hes still a sweet boy!!! just a tough exterior!!! i feel like he would be awkward with teasing stuff too, like he asks yuuji for advice because the first things he had fell flat LMAOOO
3. hypersexual bakugo..... in the context of fucking other people at least........that dont make no damn sense to me either. bakugo literally just. wants to be a hero. hes the epitome of the "wednesday is at the special age where shes got one thing on her mind. boys? murder." audio. like even early on his pro days, he has a horny thought and goes "whats that" until he finally has the time to slow down. OR OR. he like. has scheduled jack off time. just to relive stress. the bakugo gets bitches agenda is true in the sense he has fans who would sell a left tit for him, but the bakugo also canonically calls everyone extras i don't see him like being so horny where he needs to stick it in anything ya know???? ace or demi bakugo makes very much sense to me too.
4. THANK YOU!!! normalize the middle ground!!! ngl i think thats why i dont like reading for either of them bc they already arent my type exactly and then there are just so many extremes with characterizing them im like damn they either cry or own whips, what is the truth.
5. END BERT SLANDER!!! Y'ALL DONT KNOW HIM LIKE WE DO!!! no because like, bert has anxiety, but he isnt, that doesnt make him a creep or a stalker. he just like, would be a shy awkward meet cute. a lil fumbly in a cute way with the first fuck but, picks up speed. has a massive size kink. is a switch who leans dom. i said it. he is that quiet power service dom. i will elaborate at some point.
6. reiner does deserve more love!!! say it louder!!! no because like, the reduction of him to the spilt personality and then further taking that into like,, loving him like he is a kid, its blurring the mommy kink line if that makes sense??? he's depressed and did not have good support growing up, you can like, take care of him and make him feel good without reducing him to a child ya know? give him blankets! wear matching sweaters! kiss his lil face silly till he smiles!!! you are very right, a lot of characters with trauma get chalked down to "let me be their mom so i will write in a mommy kink," without like, actually doing it like that does that make sense?
7. i will burn fanon haikyuu to the ground. no further statements.
8. and thats totally fair!!! honestly, that goes into a bigger conversation as to how, sex in media (and not just fanfic) isn't normalized to thinking that vanilla sex is fun. because now it all comes down to marketability, and soft loving isn't as palatable as latex and crops. its not to say you can't enjoy those things, but the fact that people take that as the only way that "you had cool or fun sex" is so wrong?? like its ultimately a physical connection between two people, its fun when y'all get each other? idk. this can turn into a rant not related to your original point at all, but like, yea. normalize not everyone being hard doms. you dont need to write that for your fanfic to get more clicks. a better characterization is better than supposedly appealing kinks ya know?
fanon characterizations - what pisses you off, lemme know
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ssamie · 3 years
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nine. reki?!
oikawa tooru x fem langa!reader
(hq x sk8 the infinity)
warnings: spelling mistakes, swearing, 2k+ words, u have langa’s blue hair sorry
gen masterlist.            “snow” masterlist.
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"Y/N I FOUND YOU!" reki exclaimed as he sprinted towards her 
"man, you guys sure were fast" he said "i almost lost you guys in the trail" the redhead tripped way too many times as he struggled to avoid the random bushes and twigs sticking from the forest grounds 
"Y/N!" reki grinned as he finally came to a halt before her 
though she didn't respond and simply blinked as she stared at him wide-eyed as if she was seeing a ghost. "uh- y/n?" reki sweat dropped as he poked her cheek 
the redhead then sighed and flicked her right in the forehead, making her yelp and gently cradle the sore spot. "y/n!" he yelled again, this time with a soft laugh of amusement 
"reki?!" y/n shrieked out as she finally snapped out of whatever daydream she was in. 
reki laughed and pinched her cheeks with his hands, squishing her already heating up face as she gapes up at him in disbelief "took ya long enough" reki mused "did you miss me?" he asked 
"y-yeah! i missed you!" she stammered out as she placed her hands on reki's cheeks and lightly pinched them as well. she and reki chuckled, encaging each other in their arms as the boys watch their interaction. 
"you did so great! i saw you do your trick again!" reki exclaimed as he shook her shoulders excitedly. "thanks! i also did stuff that you taught me!" she smiled as she let reki shake her up as he pleased 
"also how are you here? adam said he didn't invite you" she asked him once he had finally calmed down. reki then scowled and let out a huff "yeah, he didn't. i had to save up for a ticket to fly here with the others" he said 
"and some guy tweeted about it so i was able to find the location" he explained as he showed her the said tweet. she grinned and nodded along "im glad you're here reki" she beamed "i really missed you" 
"me too" reki chuckled. he then eyes the boys behind her and sheepishly waved. "aren't ya gonna introduce me to your friends?" he mused
y/n perked up and looked back at the boys. "right!" she said. she brought up hanamaki and matsukawa first. "this is hanamaki-san and matsukawa-san. we're in the same year and they're in the volleyball team i mentioned." she said 
hanamaki and matsukawa grinned at him and raised their hand to wave "hey, so you're the reki she's always talking about huh?" hanamaki mused 
"she talks about me?" reki asked with a smile 
y/n spluttered and shook her head "that's not true! i don't talk about you at all!" she rebutted 
reki sweat dropped and scratched his head in confusion "oh.. okay then..?" 
y/n then shook her head again and paled from the guilt "i mean of course i do! you're my best friend!" she shrieked out "i talk about you all the time, reki!" she rambled 
reki sweat dropped and comforting patted her back. "so which one is it, really?" he chuckled as watched her distressed state. "let's.. let's move on.." y/n cleared her throat as she gestured to iwaizumi next. 
"this is iwaizumi-san. he's in my class and we're also neighbors." she said. "hey man, nice to meet you" iwaizumi sent him a curt nod, to which reki responded to with a smile 
"nice to meet you too, iwaizumi! im reki!" he introduced himself with a wave 
as the two conversed, she looked back to find oikawa, only to find him sitting by a curb, looking at the passing cars with a bored look on his face. with a hint of confliction, she reluctantly walked away from reki and towards the brunette. 
"oikawa-san?" she called out to him. "yeah?" oikawa replied as he briefly looked back to glance at her "you need something, y/n-chan?" he asked 
"um." she muttered "are you okay?" she asked as she crouched down beside him. "yeah, whyd you ask?" oikawa hummed with a faint smile 
"no reason.." she muttered as she scooted closer to him. "are you tired? you don't seem as lively as usual." she said 
oikawa shrugged and brought his knees up to his chest, "kinda." he said. "aren't you gonna go back to reki?" he asked. he faced her with a smile and chuckled "you were so excited whenever you mentioned him." he mused "so i thought you'd have a more escalating reaction than that" 
y/n raised a brow at his indifferent tone and playfully nudged him with her elbow. "you're so weird, oikawa-san. are you jealous or something?" she jokingly asked with a laugh 
"ahahaha." oikawa laughed along with a staright face. "yes." 
"what?" she blinked with a blank smile as she looked up at him cluelessly. "just kidding!" oikawa exclaimed with a cheeky grin. he ruffled her hair and laughed as she simply looked at him in confusion. "you're so gullible, y/n-chan! but i guess that's what makes you fun" okawa chuckled as he stood up from the ground to stretch his limbs 
"cmon, let's go. i wanna meet your friend too, yaknow?" oikawa mused as he held out his hands for her to grab 
she smiled and took his hands, pulling herself up as she dragged him over to the redhead. "you'll like him a lot, oikawa-san" she said "reki is nice, i swear!" 
"reki!!" she called out with a grin "hey" reki waved back. 
he then perked up as he recognised the brunette she was dragging around. "oh, you're that guy from a while ago!" reki exclaimed "i recognised you, haha" 
oikawa smiled back and nodded. "yup, that's me.." 
"im oikawa tooru. nice to meet you, reki-kun!" oikawa beamed with a charming grin. "you too!" reki grinned as he excitedly shook his hand. "hey, you guys wanna come with us? me and the others wanted to have a late night snack" 
"the others?" y/n hummed in confusion "what do you mean? are they-" 
"Y/N!" a loud shout was heard 
y/n looked behind reki's shoulder and paled as she watched miya propell himself from a random curve and fly through the air towards her direction. "m-miya?! wait! don't jump! you'll hit--" she was cut off by miya's stomach hitting her straight in the face 
"YOU SLIME! I TOLD YOU TO WAIT!" miya hissed at reki as he hugged her head with his arms while he wraps his legs around her torso 
"hey, if i didn't go ahead, we would've lost them!" reki rebutted with a huff "and get off her! you're not a cat! stop it!" reki exclaimed as he tried to pry him off of her 
"you don't know that" miya huffed, "also, back off, slime! we're having a moment." he said as he hugged her even tighter 
"you're killing her, rather" cherry chimed in as he watched y/n clawing desperately for miya to let her head go "she's losing air" he sighed as he plucked miya off of her
y/n heaved as she held miya up by the back of his thighs, holding him as you would with a child as she gasped for air. "i've missed you, miya.." she meekly chuckled as she ruffled his hair 
miya's face exploded into a concerningly bright shade of red as he huffed. "hmp. miss you too or whatever.." he muttered. "he's so stubborn." reki sweat dropped as he watched miya desperately try to keep his nonchalant façade but obviously failing 
"huh? who's this?" miya raised a brow as he looked oikawa up and down "did you find a slime boyfriend while you were gone?!" 
oikawa scowled and gave miya a nasty glare "hah? me? a slime?" he scoffed in offense 
"who else would i be talking about, slime?" miya taunted him 
he then gave him a smug smirk and laughed "well, my bad for that one."he mused "i mean you're a slime, yeah. but you'd never be her boyfriend" he sneered "she's just too good for you" 
oikawa scowled once again and glared down at the boy. "who says i can't be her boyfriend?" he sneered 
"why? are you?" miya gritted his teeth as he glared at oikawa 
"no. but you're definitely not either" oikawa gave him an irked smile "whatever, i won't argue with kids." oikawa mused as he waved him off
miya hissed at him under his breath and reached out to claw at him, only for y/n to stop him by grasping his hands and keeping them in place. "dont argue with people you just met, shittykawa!" iwaizumi scolded the brunette 
"he started it!" oikawa rebutted, earning a smack from iwaizumi. "shut up." iwaizumi scowled "be nice. you're embarrassing me." 
"anyways, wanna join us?" joe asked as he flexed his arms with a grin "i could go for a drink right now" 
"they're underaged!" cherry said as he slapped joe in the head 
"well where else are we supposed to go?!" joe exclaimed with a groan "McDonald's?!" 
"i want a happy meal.." y/n said as she and miya looked at the toys displayed by the counter
"i want that toy.." miya said as he stared longingly at the cat toy
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"i want fries!" reki exclaimed as he faced cherry with an expectant look
cherry raised a brow and glared down at them "why are you looking at me like that?" he asked "im not gonna pay for you." he narrowed his eyes at them
"but we're broke!" reki exclaimed. "you have some pocket money, just use that" shadow said as he ordered himself a burger. "but its too expensive!!" reki whined dramatically as he slumped on the seat
"what're you guys gonna get?" he asked the boys. iwaizumi shrugged "just a drink that's all." he said "we'll share fries!" hanamaki said as he pointed to matsukawa beside him
"i got a happy meal too!" oikawa grinned as he laid the box on the table with a grin, chuckling as y/n and miya 'ooh'ed in amazement
"can we share?" y/n asked with sparkling eyes as she sat down beside the brunette
"are you gonna keep that? im taking it." miya said as he snatched the cat toy and pocketed it with a cat-like smirk
"hey! don't take too much!" oikawa exclaimed as he slapped her hand away "and you! cat boy! paws off my toy!" oikawa hissed as he playfully fought miya 
"BACK OFF, SLIME!" miya hissed back 
"well, at least they're getting along quite well" joe mused with a laugh. "and those two are having their long awaited reunion" shadow sneered as he nodded towards y/n and reki 
y/n smiled as reki rambled to her about the moments she's missed in okinawa. she really couldn't understand anything with how fast he was talking but it was nice to hear his voice. 
"you still make those same faces" she muttered 
("reki my love🥰🏳️‍🌈... of skateboarding 😝😃💔♀️" do u guys remember that from the dub 😭) 
"what? what's wrong with my face?" reki abruptly stopped rambling as he blinked at her with a confused smile. "nothing.." she smiled at him. she turned to miya and whispered, "reki's face always makes weird expressions.." to which miya agreed to with a nod 
"eh?! did you just say my face is weird?!" reki shrieked out in offense 
"no.. it said your face is.." she trailed off with a sheepish expression "unique." she finished off with a smile "so unique." she praised him with a smile as she petted his hair 
"somehow, i feel very judged at the moment" reki sweat dropped 
"no no, you're very beautiful!" she beamed at him. "i like your cute expressions" 
"awe you think im cute?" reki smiled at her with a faint blush tinting his cheeks 
"NO! I TAKE THAT BACK!" she panicked "you're normal." she said 
reki sweat dropped and nervously rubbed the back of his neck from the sudden change of heart. "oh.. okay..?" he muttered in confusion 
"never mind! reki, you're not normal!" she exclaimed in a state of distress and flusteredness. 
"that's even worse!" reki exclaimed with a gasp of shock
"i meant you're perfect and amazing!" she shrieked as she covered her face which was heating up from embarrassment 
the rest of the group sweat dropped as they watched the interaction play out. they knew she was bad with flirting but they didn't expect it to be to this extent. "ah, young love" joe chuckled "i was like that once too" he mused 
"really?" miya raised a brow at his statement 
"no. im not a loser" joe laughed "im a ladies man, girls just come to me, ya know?" he grinned as he flexed his biceps 
beside him, cherry grimaced and scrunched his face in distaste. "you're getting too confident, you gorilla." he scoffed "you were like that to me back then." cherry taunted 
everyone at the table's eyes widened as they eyed joe suspiciously, whistling under their breaths as they eagerly listen in on the conversation. 
"i- that's not-" joe gritted his teeth and groaned in aggravation "i thought you were a girl, okay?!" he defended 
"i was so clearly wearing a male uniform like you and everyone else." cherry deadpanned 
"its just the hair, i swear!" 
"joe.." y/n muttered "it's okay. we accept you." she smiled at him 
"yeah. gay rights i guess" miya shrugged as he sipped on his coke 
"i- this isn't funny anymore, i get that you wanna joke around-" joe deadpanned 
"hey!" reki exclaimed, startling everyone in the table as he points an accusing finger to joe's face. "gender identity is not a joke!" he exclaimed "yeah!!" y/n cheered him on 
joe sweat dropped and glared at them with dread. "im leaving you behind so you can stay and rot with your goddamn girlfriend" he said to reki 
"and i'm not gay!!" 
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this is short and idk why gender identity suddenly came up ?? i was writing an essay for it on our health exam a while ago so maybe that's why ?? I'M NOT QUEERBAITING I SWEAR! ALSO THIS WHOLE SHOW IS FRUITY ANYWAYS ?? 
sorry for the spelling /grammar mistakes if there are any :<
ALSO APPARENTLY JOE LIKED ADAM AND NOT CHERRY?? IS THAT TRUE?? 
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what do you think of bakugou and endeavor redemption arcs?
SEE THE THING IS,
I feel like bnha is always on the precipice of like. Touching on some REAL stuff but it always backs out at the last moment.
First of all im a big hater of both characters so expect a biased opinion here (lol). But i do think they are “good characters” as in they are interesting and pertinent to the plot, complex etc. bleh. bleh bleh. but the way their arcs are written.... lots of things rly dont sit right with me 
**Fair warning i dont have the english skills to phrase this whole thing better.
1. Bkg first. I remember when bkg took the hit for deku i made fun of the whole thing bc OFCC thats how we r going to “redemp” him. Which in one hand ok, it does stay true to bkgs character bc he literally cannot communicate his feelings to save his life, hes more of an action guy. But also i really do think the buildup for that moment can be pushed more. And im not even gonna blame bkgs character entirely here bc he IS an established stubborn ass with the communication skills of a tadpole etc etc. what im gonna blame is the way horikoshi never lets deku even TOUCH on the bullying he’s endured before UA. Its literally never been discussed. Like the only time it IS brought up is the flashback we get right before bkg sacrificed himself. But deku, instead, never got the chance to process any of it. And i think thats my main problem with the whole bkg thing (and ofc there is a vindictive part where i feel like bkg hasnt got enough “repercussions” for it, which may be arguable, but thats a whole different ballpark).
i especially think bkg should apologize outright/address what he’s done to deku, but if horikoshi wants to drag that speech out (and thats if the speech will ever happen in the first place) i can accept that. BUT. to me. It has to be equal... as in deku should be allowed to address that too.
I get that deku is a virtuous main character who will supposedly forgive kacchan no matter what or whatever. And fuck it you know what, thats okay. But im begging let deku at least process it in some way. Bc the thing about deku’s character is whenever he gets angry, its always on behalf of someone else’s and not himself.
Which, again, is a virtue. But i also think the author tapping out on the whole bullying issue is kinda a coward move. Even when deku dukes it out with bkg its always about “im gonna get stronger and be number one kacchan!!111” and not “man you irreparably damaged my entire childhood and told me to [redacted] myself.”
literally the whole bullying nuance is casted out and replaced immediately with some boys will be boys rivalry. Which, really, just looks like the author taking the easy way out to me.
I can see how much both characters have grown, tho, and its clear that they care about each other. but the development is really :/ it leaves much to be desired wtf. 
I’m not satisfied w bkg’s redemption arc thingy but i dont expect anything better either. I think if i were to reread bnha from the beginning i can have a clearer perspective on the whole thing, but i dont really feel the incentive for that bc it simply doesnt compel me enough to do so LOL.
If its worth anything, i dont really hate bkg anymore. only sometimes lmfao
2. End*avor. Ugh.
Ok. I love family drama its like crack to me. the whole dabi thing had me yelling forreal. And todoroki fam has like some of my most favorite characters in the whole series.
I dont even wanna discuss end*avors character... like honestly, the ones that shine the most in end*avor redemption arc are the other family members and not end*avor himself. Which on one hand i appreciate but also i might be biased? But im really <3 over how we get todoroki rei’s character development from this arc. Not only is rei’s arc cathartic as hell but its also very, very encouraging to see a character stands over her ab*ser like that after suffering for so long. I cant express how much i love that. And fuyumi and natsuo? Insanity. I esp love how fuyumi’s efforts get the appreciation they deserve.
And i liked the surprise where dabi rained on end*avor’s parade right after end*avor thought he could actually redeem himself. Ok im not gonna sugarcoat it i just liked to watch dabi fucked him over, it was a standing applause eureka moment for me.
Honestly i think the whole concept is really delicious, like the son of the number 1 hero is a villain thing, heroes arent saints, etc etc etc. like that is so sexi so dramatic so soap opera literal superhero telenovela and i loved it a lot. Like i really enjoyed reading the whole thing. so like. i am entertained.
Do i feel like end*avor has redeemed himself? Mm NO <3. I appreciate the details that he himself thinks that he is unforgivable (blehh) and he DID suffer which was nice to watch, personally. but its not enough and it will never be <3 
im not sure if i think this way bc i just think what he did is irredeemable or bc the storytelling sucked OR BOTH <3. And i still do feel bnha did that thing where it backed out at the last moment with end*avor’s arc.... like it was touching it but it still didnt want to get its hands dirty, you know? Like what stance is it taking, really? It just never goes all out. 
i think some details about this arc also irk me...... like why does the rest family got to shoulder the burden of his fuck ups? <3 die <3 like this part annoys me so much. and seeing how he got to be comforted after everything he’s done.................................................... i cant even say how much that just ... pisses tf out of me <3 haha
like thats the thing. i feel like both characters (bkg n end*avor) are still coddled despite everything.
im fully aware im biased tho. and no i will not change
leaving that clownery aside, i didnt expect bnha to take this direction, so like. ..Applause i suppose :/. The recent arcs have been a pleasant surprise in some part and i will still be following its developments. i do genuinely think both characters are interesting btw i just kinda hate them lmfaooo. 
honestly, what i do. is just to keep low standards 🙌
TLDR I dont rly feel like either characters have redeemed themselves and i feel some disappointments over their respective arcs but i like the development n direction that the story is taking overall.
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HAIKYUU IS BACK AND SO HERE I AM 
listen folks, season 4 has come. my crops are flourishing, my skin is clear, i’ve been revived. i cried and watched the opening 4 times, i’ve watched the episodes 3x now. Kuroo has always owned me and bITCH he still does. 
as usual, i have no shame, so have this professor Kuroo x  grad student reader that turned surprisingly angsty (my heart is so full with s4 that idk how it ended that way). i dont even care how cliche this is, im so weak for stuff like this. also i have no idea if this field is even a thing but i dont care 
warnings: suggestive nsfw, angst 
will there be a part 2? who knows 😉 (spoiler, there is...and three and four)
as usual, 💖 J
~
You weren’t exactly sure what you were expecting what your faculty member that you’d be working with for your graduate career to be like, but it had been more along the lines of: crotchety old man, white hair, still sporting tweed suit jackets from the seventies. It definitely never crossed your mind that a young man, probably around your age, you’d guess a bit older since he was already a faculty member, would greet you on your first day.
You also weren’t expecting him to be fucking drop dead gorgeous—and you mean ovary melting, cliché totally swooning material. Never in your life have you felt so nervous around a person before. It really wasn’t fair in the slightest. And on top of it all, he was amiable. The two of you got along swimmingly, half in part to how close you are in age and the other half since you’re both mad about biotechnology.
You tried. You really did. Tried not to develop a crush on him. But the more you got to know him, the more days spent together, you felt yourself falling deeper and deeper because it wasn’t just about looks anymore. You liked him. A lot too. You can’t even explain why. You learned rather quickly he’s no lady killer like he’s looks suggested—oh no. He’s the biggest dork you’ve ever met.  And now you’re head over heels with no hope of going back. It was a rather futile attempt to resist it.
Sitting at your desk, you rub your hands over your face trying to get those thoughts out of your head. Or at least shove them to the far depths of your brain so you can continue to act like everything is fine and not like your heart is going to overwork itself anytime he’s anywhere near you. And god—was that getting increasingly difficult. With your first year ending and presenting your research at the National Biotech Conference coming up, the two of you have been spending more and more late nights in the lab together. Alone.
You might as well dig your grave now.
Just a few nights ago the night ended early because he set off the fire alarm making a hot pocket. The two of you too enamored with the project to notice the microwave on the verge of combusting. Why the hell he put it in there for five minutes was beyond you, but he tried to explain that he was planning on taking it out before the timer ran out. The memory of it makes the corner of your mouth quirk upward.
“You bored out of your mind already?” A voice teases from behind you, making you to jolt in your seat.
Speak of the devil.
You turn in your chair to find none other than the root of your problems: Dr. Kuroo. Jesus fuck you can barely look straight at him without feeling some sort of nerves ball up in your stomach.
Giving him a weak smile, you say, “Those all-nighters are really getting the best of me.”
His eyes soften and christ—you need medical help to deal with the way your heart is stuttering in your chest. By the end of this conversation you’re going to need a defibrillator with the way he smiles at you sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “Riiiight. About those….” He avoids your gaze and you already know what’s coming.
“Another one tonight?”
He sighs. “Yeah. Sorry about that. We’re just really down to the wire now. I want to make sure everything is set.”
You wave him off, there’s nothing to apologize for. You knew what you were getting into here. And you know it’s only his second conference as a distinguished member of the community, so he has a standard to uphold.
A startled gasp escapes you when his voice appears right next to your goddamn ear, his warm breath against your skin practically sending you into a frenzy. “You working on the statistics?” The nod you give him is almost imperceptible, afraid any movements from you are going to give away how his proximity is making you feel. His eyes scan your screen before patting you on the shoulder. “Looks good so far, send it to me when you’re done.”
You let out a breath of relief you didn’t know you were holding when he moves away.
How the fuck are you going to survive the next year?
Hell—how are you going to survive a week-long convention with him?
As he heads back to his own desk, Kuroo glances warily around the office to make note of any suspicious onlookers. It’s been harder and harder to keep that professional line with you, and every public conversation you shared he was highly aware to not slip into his easy mannerisms he found himself indulging in during all those late nights. Because fuck him—he liked you. Why did he of all the options get assigned the one graduate student who is his age and is fucking gorgeous on top of your academic prowess?
He never stood a chance.
He is barreling straight towards an academic violation at full speed and his brakes are broken. That’s how bad it is.
But goddamn he can keep it in his pants for the sake of his job and your career.
That sentiment went to shit that night.
You’re late, which almost never happens. He can count on one hand the times you’ve been late. And you always texted him with your ETA and an explanation but tonight…silence. He knows you haven’t left, he saw you a little over an hour ago speaking to Dr. Yu, and a quick trip to your desk confirms it; all your stuff is still here.
He’s lucky to catch Dr. Yu on his way out, asking if he knows of your whereabouts. “You haven’t seen her?” His brows lift. “Must’ve gotten caught up in the library. Said she was going to stop by there before your meeting.”
Kuroo does an excellent job of hiding his confusion. Meeting? Is that what you’ve been disguising your all-nighters with him as to your colleagues?
That means you feel there’s a reason to keep it a secret.
Or is he reading too far into it?
Nonetheless, he strides towards the library, irked to find most of the lights off and it utterly silent inside. He checks the table area first, then peruses the shelf, peeking down each to see if you’re actually in here. It’s likely you already left and are now waiting for him in the lab in the time since he’s begun looking for you.
He finds you in one of the farthest corners of the library and it isn’t until he approaches you does he realize the situation he’s just put the two of you in.
Alone.
In the dark library.
You’re sat deep into an armchair, legs curled up underneath you, head resting on your hand while you flip through the pages of a book sitting in your lap. You look so picturesque he can’t help but stare for a few seconds before clearing his throat to alert you to his presence.
He scares the absolute shit out of you.
Leaping out of the chair, the book clattering to the floor, you shout, “Holy fu—Dr. Kuroo! You can’t just do that!” Then you blink, like your brain is catching up to you, then you frantically check your watch and outwardly groan. “I knew I should have set an alarm. Sorry, just lost track of time back here.” Smirking softly, he takes a step forward, bending to pick up the book sprawled on the floor. He hands it to you, your fingertips brushing his, a jolt of lightning spearing through you at the contact.
Every sense of yours is filled with his presence, your head clouded with thoughts of what if you just…closed that gap. What would happen if you took just one step forward? Would he let you run your hands over his chest, snaking around his neck to tangle into his dark hair? What would it feel like to press your body against his?
Holy hell—you need to get out of here.
It’s then that you realize you’ve been staring at him.
And that he’s holding your gaze, his golden eyes locked onto yours. The air is so charged you feel like your entire body is buzzing, urging you to indulge in the thoughts swirling in your head. You open your mouth to break the silence, grasping at any sense of logic you have left to end this dangerously tempting situation.
Kuroo’s last strand of self-control splintered the moment he caught you staring at him so intently. The same thoughts weaving through his head as yours, the fantasy he’s had for months now of holding you against him, his lips pressed to yours, is so tantalizingly close he can barely stand it.
So, he comes to decision. Before this opportunity eludes him, he has to act now. He watches as your mouth opens, your better judgement clearly still intact, and before you can get a word out, he leans down to kiss you. His hands finding their way to your waist, tugging you to him, he’s pleasantly delighted to find you sink into him. Your own hands reaching up to curl into his shirt, soft mouth moving against his own, he almost groans at how you’re reacting to him.
He’s intoxicating, the way his fingers are digging into the skin of your waist, how his tongue slips into your mouth, you can barely keep your feet underneath you. What’s even more exhilarating to you is that he initiated this.
He wanted you too.
The thought makes you a bit dizzy.
When he feels your hands travel from his collar to slip your fingers through his hair, this time he can’t help it, a deep pleased sound escaping him, rumbling through your entire body and sending heat straight to your core. Jesus Christ this man his going to be the absolute death of you.
“Fuck,” he mutters, his hands roam from your waist to cup your ass, using the leverage to press you even closer to him, letting you feel just what exactly you’re doing to him. All he can think is that he wants more, he wants you underneath him, chest heaving, moaning his name and no one else’s. With that on his mind, he splays his fingers out underneath your thighs, intending on lifting your legs around him.
The action turns your brain back on, the gears working hard through the haze clouding your mind, realizing where exactly this is going. Your sense of reason finally coming through, screaming: Stop! What the fuck are you doing?! Instinctively, you shove him away from you.
He blinks in surprise as he stumbles back into the bookshelf, thrown off by your sudden rejection.
Your heart crumbles seeing his hurt expression. It’s no use denying it anymore. You want him. So bad that you were this close to throwing all caution to the wind just now. But you can’t, not under the circumstances. He is your colleague. Your superior. What the hell were you thinking?!
Steeling your resolve, you say quietly, “Kuroo…I—That…that shouldn’t have happened.”
You can’t even look at him, too afraid of what will happen if you do.
He knows you’re lying.
He stares at you for a moment, considering all his options. Truly, he’d like to just gather you up in his arms, assuring you everything will be fine, and kissing your worries away until you melt beneath him again. But he knows that’s crossing the line. Instead, he settles on making his feelings clear. He wants you to know where he stands. He doesn’t want you to think what just happened meant nothing to him. But he’s willing to give you space to put your thoughts together.
“I need you to look at me,” he says.
You bite your lip. “I can’t.” Now your throat feels tight with the effort of keeping tears at bay. Why is it like this? Why did you have to meet him in this way? He says your name like a command, so you ball your fists in determination and raise your watery eyes to meet his.
With such surety and resolve it just about makes you burst into tears, he tells you clearly, “I’m so head over heels for you it’s not even funny.”
He’s right, this isn’t funny. It’s anything but. And he’s making it worse by being so goddamn perfect you want to scream. The universe must really be a bitch for putting you through this, making you fall in love with someone who is so off limits. You can feel your heart wilting within your chest as you plead, “I need to leave.”
He lets you go, despite every instinct telling him not to. He spends the night in the lab alone, barely getting anything done through his ever-present thoughts of you. He tries to remain hopeful, that somehow this will all work out. That on Monday you’ll come to work, and everything will be alright.
Monday morning, he finds out you’ve put in a request to join a separate project.
He doesn’t know what to do with the growing hole forming in his chest.
And neither do you.
~
part two part three part four 
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neverlearnedtoread · 4 years
Text
The Lies of Locke Lamora
⭐⭐⭐; a mafia au wrapped up in a fantasy cloak that tricked me into thinking it was going to be a heist story
Oh?? 👌😉😏
an incredibly rich world - this guy did not slack off on worldbuilding!! he put a lot of work into it and i appreciate the fact his characters were described with different body types and on some level, varying skin tones
i did like the setting - it took me SO LONG to figure out it was meant to be Fantasy Venice, but i got there in the end, and that’s what matters. plus, the wildlife! every time the author was trying to have some sneaky stuff happen i was trying to find out more about the marine biology. what can i say? i love a good murder fish. sharks?? even better
jean tannen is a selling point because i say so. soft and nice + ready to murder for a friend = perfect man. i dont make the rules
No.. ❌🤢🤮
the story first gets interesting more than a third of the way through the novel. that’s way too long for me not to be able to guess at what this story’s supposed to be about
what’s worse - unimportant female characters, or no women at all? somehow this book managed to tick both boxes for me. though i do like to think that in a guidebook about Camorr there’s an extravagant two-page spread dedicated to the unionized prostitutes and their apparently booming business
most of the characters weren’t half as developed as i needed them to be. none of them had clear motives or goals i could vicariously root for, so what was the point of them failing?
there’s torture in this book in a couple scenes, gratuitous violence throughout, and swearing in art form. none of these things are technically bad, but if you’re not into it, be forewarned
Some spoilers under the cut!
Summary: Locke Lamora leads a gang of con-artists who specialise in stealing exorbitant amounts of money from rich people while pretending to be average two-bit thieves, all the better to avoid the pressure of living up to anybody’s high expectations. Unfortunately, their long-perfected ruse is in danger of being exposed when a shadowy figure, aptly named the Gray King, blackmails Locke into being a part of his super secret plan to take over the city’s criminal underworld. Around the same time, Locke receives orders from Capa Barsavi, the current criminal overlord of the great city of Venice Camorr, to help him get rid of the Gray King. Desperate to avoid being murdered by either of the two most powerful criminal lords in the city, Locke has to come up with a plan to wriggle his way out of his unwanted responsibilities without anyone being any the wiser about his involvement on either side.
Concept: 💭💭💭💭
Let me preface this by saying that I love a good heist story, but that my standards are also very high. So there was a lot riding on this book. I’m all about a found family swindling some rich assholes out of their fortunes from right under their noses; however, the writing style of this book was rather...extensive with its descriptors. I like extensive worldbuilding! but I find that the storytelling style of a lot of male authors in fantasy is often...very similar, and reads too much like a textbook. Give me the emotion, man! Where’s the panache behind the 345 individual pennants you painstakingly went through in three pages? Are they special pennants? Does it matter to the plot? Please sir I’m tired after a long day just tell me what is happening in this scene..
Execution: 💥💥💥
Once the book hits the drop and the plot starts going, it revs its engine like anything and is a fun romp through the city narrowly avoiding death and destroying many public establishments. The only problem is it takes 266 pages to get to the drop. Before that? I was so bored. I like when I can sort of see the outline of the plot at the beginning, because then I can get hyped for future developments, but 200 pages in and I was still at a loss as to what exactly the book was gearing up for. If I hadn’t been buddy reading this, and had it on a 2-week loan from the library, I wouldn’t have forced myself past the dawdling beginning into the actual start of the story.
Personal Enjoyment: ❤❤
This is a little harsh, because ultimately I did enjoy the book, but I have some strong Disappointed Feelings. First of all: I didn’t care about anyone except for Jean Tannen, and he survived; which, to me, is a total waste of several death scenes! The problem was you could tell who wasn’t gonna survive by the amount of effort the author put into describing them. The most I felt was a sort of ‘aw, man’ - not the reaction you want from the deaths of characters that are supposed to be near and death to the main character’s heart, and therefore, should be perfectly capable of ripping out mine! Plus, the heavy handed #imwithher moments irked me, since the few female characters we had were either evil (with no nuance whatsoever), unceremoniously murdered off-scene, or never even bothered to show up. Thank goodness for Jean. I would die for Jean Tannen.
Favourite Moment: Can a whole chapter count as a moment? Because the moment we hit the chapter titled ‘Jean Tannen’ I was on board. Jean’s backstory and introduction to the gang? What a good babe. What a fantastic hunk of a man. Get you a guy who can tailor your clothes to perfectly fit your scrawny, skinny ass. If we wanna be specific, I’d say the part when Jean is flat-out booking it to save Locke’s ass. Which part, exactly? Yes.
Favourite Character: Jean Tannen owns my ass and hopefully will own Locke’s ass in the future, if you know what I mean... seriously though, I was joking at the beginning, but this book came through with the shipping fodder. All I’m saying is that Locke should consider the pros and cons of ditching his supposed one true lady love who dropped him like a hot potato to never show up as a character in her own right, for the man whose entire role in Locke’s little gang of thieves is to literally run to his rescue while he’s getting his ass beat to shit. I’d also like to point out that Jean’s very strong. Simply a casual observation.
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knjredwluv · 5 years
Text
Red. [1]
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Red (n.)
Red could signify the color of love, passion, determination, and strength. Red could also signify blood, fire, war, desire and energy. Red is an emotionally intense color.
Title: Red
Words: 4.7k
AU: Yandere/Obssessive relationship 
Characters: Jungkook x Reader. Hoseok x Reader. OT7.
Warnings: 17+ explicit language, angst!angst!angst!, slight implications of smut, some fluff and soft moments (super fucking sappy), noona kink (if you squint reaaaaally hard), yandere/obsessive relationship (this isnt a healthy relationship and i dont promote any of this), mentions of killing, hallucinations, has very descriptive angst!!
Summary: “After the things that happened, you decided to start anew. Everything was how you thought it would be; it was simple but perfect–until you saw your name on a black envelope. Out of curiosity, you opened it; and now, you wish you didn’t.”
LIST FOR RED
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CHAPTER 1
You held your phone to your ear using your shoulder. You huffed as you tried to multi-task being on the phone, walking to class and carrying a shoulder bag, laptop, books and a cup of coffee in your arms. “Can you please just do it? I have to head back to Jimin’s because he left his wallet.”
“____, as much as I love you, I will not go to your brother’s house without you. You know the look he gives me for being with you already– and you want me to go there to drop off your boxes for you.” You chuckled as he rambled and emphasized on the task you requested him to do.
“Babe, that’s just how he looks at everyone, okay? And plus, you’re bigger than him. I remember having a man for a boyfriend not a baby.” you giggle as you teased him.
“For fucks sake, ____, Your brother is a fucking cop. He looks like he hates me and he is a licensed official who can put me behind bars for, I don’t know, laughing at you when you do some stupid shit” You laugh at this because you know you’re one hell of a klutz.
“I’ll give you a blowjob if you do it” You whispered into the phone, nonchalantly. As expected, there is a small pause until you heard a groan.
“Fine, I’ll do it. You owe me big time, baby girl.”
You ended the call and texted your brother saying that Jungkook is heading over to drop off your things for your parents.
Bro
[12:34] Y/N: yoon
[12:34] Y/N: Jk is heading over there to bring my stuff
[12:35] Y/N: u home right?
[12:37] Bro: Nah
[12:37] Bro: not home work called but Mina is home she shuld be awake
[12:38] Y/N: Mkay ill tell him
[12:40] Bro: 👍🏻
Jeon♡
[12:45] Y/N: Hes not home but Mina is
[12:47] Jeon♡: Ok yessssss
[12:47] Jeon♡: but im still expecting something 👀
[12:47] Y/N: fck outta here jeon and do what u gotta do
[12:47] Jeon♡: Damn ok live u
[12:47] Jeon♡: love*** ♥️♥️
[12:48] Y/N: 🥰 love you 2
You shoved your phone in your bag and walked to the library. The weather was really nice. it complimented how you were dressed up for today.
Thank God, it was just for today.
Your Art Club meeting is really gonna screw you up. You really hope you ace this meeting since you stayed up all night making the power point. You’re also drowning yourself in caffeine and hoping it doesn’t spill on your new blouse. The branded shirt costed you more than your monthly grocery; and it’s not like you find it a hassle to be stylish but it’s definitely something different. It’s way different than the go-to vans and a pair of jeans with the Uni’s hoodie. Oh how you wished that’s what you were wearing right now.
After the meeting, you walked up the steps and opened the door to the University’s library. You were greeted by Namjoon, who was on his way out.
“Hey, ____. What brings you here? It isn’t Thursday today, is it?” He asked you casually while checking his Gold Casio watch. Namjoon is used to your frequent visits to the library. After working in the library for 4 out of 5 years of his Uni life, he’s accustomed to seeing you on the same desk, at the second floor, by the window. Sometimes, you’re caught doing homework, checking out Literature books or books of Art History, or probably just reading a comic book or webtoon that Jungkook told you about.
“Oh no, It’s Tuesday but I just needed to catch up with some work” accidentally bumping your elbow to the door causing you to almost drop your books but luckily, Namjoon’s instincts were fast. You quietly thanked him. “I got math to do”
“Well then,” He turned and waved “Ms. Ryu is expecting me. Good luck with math”
“Alrightie, see ya”
You walked to your usual spot and placed your laptop on the desk. You opened it and typed in the password. You grinned at the screensaver.
Oh god, it never fails to make you smile.
It was a screenshotted picture of Jungkook with ice cream of his face on your second date. It was a funny memory if you recall what happened.
“Stopppp, you’re going too hard. I might fly up” You said giggling and holding on the seesaw like it meant your life depended on it. Technically, it kind of did.
“Okay okay, i’m sorry” he said laughing at how you looked.
Both of you continued using the seesaw while casually talking about nonsense like what if aliens came and decided to rule Earth or if there was a zombie apocalypse, what you would do.
“Now that I think about it, I would find it weird that there’s two grown adults using a seesaw and eating ice cream– BUT CUTE” saying it with emphasis.
“Your right, it’s not something you see everyday” He shrugged and laughed and went back to lick his ice cream.
“Yeah, you don’t see muscle pig tatted good looking e-boy eating ice cream while using a seesaw, everyday” You teasingly said.
“What was that?” He said looking at you. You knew that he heard because his ears were starting to turn red but it didn’t stop his lips altering to a smile hearing the compliment. It was probably even boosting his ego hearing that the girl he likes called him good looking. He knew that and he always, mentally, thanked his parents and the Man above for mixing his genes well.
“Huh?” biting your lip, smiling and trying not to laugh “Oh nothing” shaking your head. You took out your phone to take a snapchat video of him holding onto the seesaw with his ice cream cone on the other hand.
He urged you to repeat it, not because of what you said, but because of how the blush crept up your face as you said it. He noticed how red your cheeks has gotten and how you adorable it is to see you this flustered.
“Say it” he whined, exaggerating the act knowing that he was being recorded. He bounced a little hard on the seesaw which caused you to jump a little. He smirked at your shocked look.
“Hmm, You wanna play that game huh?” Still taking a video, you playfully copied what he did to you which caused him to jump a little forward and the ice cream on his hand, now on the ground. His chin and mouth covered in with the dessert and his black shirt having evidence of the incident.  
“Awwww Jungkook, I’m sorry” You cooed and pouting at him. You couldn’t help but giggle at the sight in front of you as you walked towards him, zooming into his face. He had a fake pout and a slight smile. Putting your phone at the back of your pocket, you took the napkin from around your cone and started to wipe his chin.
“I’m so sowwyyy”
He stared at you mischievously. You glanced into his eyes and continued to wipe his chin. He pulled your wrist down and held the sides of your face and gave you a peck on the lips. You gasp at the sudden kiss but also the feeling of the sticky sugar treat around your mouth.
“It’s okay, now we’re even” He said laughing at you, with the little pout on your face.
You smile at the memory. It reminds you how lucky you got when meeting Jungkook because not only is he caring, smart and loving, he can also be a dickhead who doesn’t take people’s shit. The duality, right? But hey, with the exception of your brother, Yoongi. He kind of isn’t ashamed to admit to you that your brother is quite intimidating and, sometimes, scare him. You’re pretty sure your brother also enjoys seeing Jungkook shit his pants whenever he sees him. His career choice, of being a police officer just adds up to the thrill of it. Although, Jungkook could be a bit younger than you, it doesn’t stop Yoongi from being protective of you. But that’s only if he is judging based on façade. Besides, he’s known Jungkook for long enough to know that he’s a keeper.
The loud sound of a book falling by the computer area brought you back to reality. You sighed and took out your math handout and begin on working out the problems.
“Now back to this shit.” You muttered. You didn’t mind doing your assignments and homework but what really irked you is that your professor never collects it. It was just the usual. He gives out assignments, expects you to do them and then pop quiz at the end of the month.
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Taking a break, you leaned back into the chair and took a sip of the ice coffee you brought. You looked around while stretching and cracked your joints. It sent you a wave of relief throughout your body after solving, for God knows how long, algebra equations. You checked your phone and realized you’ve been sitting down, doing your work for 47 mins.
You stared out the window enjoying the scenery of the field and the school’s garden. What caught your eye is a group walking to the parking lot, but in this group you saw someone who thought would be familiar. You tilted your head trying to identify this person. It made you move closer to the window and you sat there with your chin on your hand, squinting your eyes for better focus. It was as if you were burning holes into this person’s back. Ironically, It was like he felt the heat behind him and he turned around. He turned around to face who could be his friends. Seeing his face, it sent chills down your spine. Blinking and shaking your head, thinking that you could be hallucinating or day-dreaming. You looked up again and couldn’t make out who they were because their friends were blocking the one who you wanted to see. Your mind became blank once again and you looked at your ice coffee.
“I really shouldn’t be drinking you, you’re starting to make me see things” you thought.
You thought that it could be the coffee. It’s already your 4th cup for the day. Although, at this rate, you don’t know if your body is immune to it because you still feel sluggish as you did this morning. You hold your head with both hands, elbows on the table, feeling a slight headache. It’s like feeling all your brain cells dying because of the caffeine overdose. You decided to shake it off and continue doing your work.
You were startled when the chair in front of you and beside you was pulled open and there sat Jimin and Taehyung. Your hands placed on your chest, you swore you that you just let out a loud shriek causing people to look at your direction.
“What the fu– don’t just randomly do that you shitheads” You whisper-yelled. You try to recover from the sudden appearance of the playful couple.
“We saw you here, hope you don’t mind we come and join you on your little study sesh”
“Not at all” You said “Oh yeah, here,” You searched in your bag for the thick leather wallet and handed it to him “Good thing you came”
"Thought you would be in class?” You asked while he shoves his wallet at the back of his pocket
“Well we finished early, Mr. Xing said he’s gonna call off for the day”
“Yeah, Poor man, been coughing all day and couldn’t sound out a syllable”
“What’s up, ____. Looking like you were shitting bricks before we gave you reason to shit bricks. What is that?” He came closer to check the assignment I was doing and to his dismay, it was math.
“Oou, well, that explains, but you good?”
“Yeah, head hurts and was thinking ‘bout some things” you mumbled.
“Well, you gotta stop overthinking, it gives you wrinkles. ‘N you know what they say about wrinkles~ they’re a sign of old age~”
“Wow, Thanks Tae” You rolled your eyes, chuckling at the two. You stayed in the library with Jimin and Taehyung talking and doing assignments and projects.
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Now, you are found in Jimin’s car, releasing stress by singing your souls out to 2000s R&B. You insisted that you walk but, of course, he didn’t take no for an answer.
You were born in Daegu but your family moved to Seoul when you and Yoongi were very young. A few years ago, you decided to move in with your brother and his wife. Despite being born in the area, you felt out of place until you met Jimin and Taehyung. They were your the first set of friends that you met when you moved to Daegu. It was an easy friendship because not only that they attended DAU, Daegu Arts University, you three have the same Art History class. You’re not gonna lie but you might have had the slightest crush on Jimin during first year of Uni–that was until you find out the two were together. Hey, it didn’t hurt though, the two were like soulmates.
Checking your phone, you saw time was only 4:27 PM. You sighed realizing that you’ll have the apartment to yourself until Jungkook comes home, from his shift at the tattoo parlour, later tonight.
He was already working there when you met him. He moved away from Busan to pursue his dream in music. He asked his parents if he could move to Daegu and attend DAU. Of course, it took a toll on his parents but they let him do what he wanted. The best thing they could do was support their son on his dream; He aced a job at a tattoo parlour and he has little shows at the bars downtown, all while he was studying. He realized that it gave him satisfaction and he, secretly, took a break from school–which now, it led to him being a full-time worker at the well-known tattoo parlour. He finds that it’s nothing different if he would have finished; seeing that he didn’t need to be a college graduate to get his job. Despite those circumstances, his creativity and love for Art and Music gets him paid; and that’s what matters to him and you–that he’s happy.
“Alright,” You shut the door and tapped on the trunk “thanks boys, see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, bye, _____. Sleep well tonight, You look too sleep deprived”
“I will, drive safe, text me when you’re home”
You walked up the stairs and reached your apartment. You entered the code of the door’s lock and the door makes sound, signaling you that the doors open. You entered, taking off your shoes and hanging your coat on the coat rack. Walking towards the living room, you put your bag on the ground next to the counter which separates the living room and kitchen. Plopping down on the couch, you sighed in relief of the feeling being home and laying at the soft surface. You focused on listening to the humming of the air conditioner and then you felt your eyelids becoming heavy with every tick of the clock.  
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You were awoken by the smell of food and it made you realize how hungry you were; smelling the food definitely made your stomach growl that you felt the strong vibrations. You sat up and looked around and adjusted your vision to the light. You turned around and saw Jungkook’s back. You stood up and quickly stretched and walked towards him. As you approached him, he turned around and noticed your sleepy figure about to engulf him, which was intended to be a back hug.
“Hi sleepy” He says. He placed the spoon and tupperware on the counter, hugged you back in return and left a kiss on your temple. You hummed and just hugged him tighter. Inhaling his scent of body soap and aftershave.
“Mina gave me some food when I went over there; She said you should try it and gave us a lot of it” You hummed in response.
“What is it?” Your voice husky from sleeping
“It’s a chicken stew. C’mon, get ready we’ll have dinner in a few, I’m already making rice”
“I wanna stay like this still” Your hold became tighter and he just rubbed your back. Your hunger was replaced by the feeling of ease and comfort in his embrace. You moved your face from his chest and faced him with your eyes closed and smiled at him.
“Don’t forget your little promise, baby.” He said while placing kisses all over your face. His hands sliding up and down your back and moved to grope your ass, giving it a little slap. Your eyes opened and fake disappointment washed over you.
“I really thought it was going to be a sweet moment, Jeon. You really had-” He cut you with a peck on the lips.“-to say that.” He chuckled.
“C’mon, Noona, I can be really sweet.” You rolled your eyes at him.
“Oh my god, you’re really fucking lucky I’m a sub or else, i would have-” You cut yourself off and you smirked at him.
“Hm, feisty now, isn’t she?” You remove yourself from him and grab a cup to drink a glass of water.
“I’m sorry, JK. I’m exhausted today. I promise, on date night, okay?”
“Something happened today? I saw how busted you look on the couch when I came home– didn’t wanna wake you until I finished heating up the food” Now it was his turn to hug you first. He sat on the stool and pulled you by your shirt and wrapped his arms around your waist. He stared at you with his doe eyes until you finished drinking and placing the glass on the counter.
“Just a club meeting but I didn’t sleep last night. I had to finish the powerpoint and afterwards, I went to the library to finish off somethin’. Jimin and Tae was with me though, no worries. They dropped me home too so.” You sighed and look at him.
“That was the meeting you were talking about right? How was it? How’d it go?” He asked
“Remember the man I told you about?” He hummed in response “Well, he seemed really impressed with my presentation and the art display we made and he spoke about visiting again,” You began playing with the long strands of his fluffy, wavy hair “He said that he’ll think about doing a workshop, all expenses paid, for learning art techniques and maybe even visiting the national museum”
“I’m proud of you, ____. I know you worked hard for that. You know, being the Co-President of the Art Club.” He gushes as he rubbed circle with his thumb on your waist.
“Oh my– stop, let me get changed” You tapped his chest and leaned forward to peck his nose. 
You walked out the kitchen and headed to the bedroom and stripped to your underwear. You grabbed a towel heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. You gargled with some mouthwash and change into some boy shorts and Jungkook’s oversized sweatshirt.  
---------
“____, the table’s ready!”
“Coming, coming!”
You skipped to the kitchen and sat on the high stool opposite of Jungkook’s. You both ate dinner and shoving the last chunk of carrot into your mouth, you stacked the dishes and placed them in the sink.
“Are you scheduled to play tonight?” You asked turned your head to him as you washed the utensils.
“Yeah, Hyung said to meet at the subway. I’ll probably head out at around 30 35 mins from now?” He said questioningly, turning to look at the wall clock. It was currently 7:50 PM.
“Yup, in 30 mins or so– oh and please don’t wait up for me again. Am not sure when I’m coming but I’ll come home before it hits 1, okay?” He informs you while he removes his top and heads to the bathroom.
A little story of Jungkook and Seokjin’s relationship, Seokjin is Jungkook’s good friend who helped him move to Daegu. Jungkook and Seokjin were pretty much like roommates before you came into the picture. Besides being roommates, the pair were performers at the local bar.
That’s also how you met Jungkook. You saw him and Seokjin performing a ballad when you were with your group of friends. Eunbi, your close friend and also Seokjin’s girlfriend, introduced you to them that same night. You thought he was very attractive–like duh, who wouldn’t? You both talked and got to know some things about each other and it led to both of you exchanging numbers, texting often, meeting up for coffee or lunch. Several months later, that’s when he decided to ask you to make it official. You would visit their apartment often; it can be whenever they practiced ballads and their self-composed songs or you guys decide to have a movie night with Seokjin and Eunbi. For others, it may sound like the relationship was rushed for deciding to live together 1 year and 3 months into the relationship. It didn’t feel wrong though–as cliche as it sounds. You felt that this new start was something just like you imagined it would be.
You were snapped out of your thoughts when Jungkook bent down to grab his bag that was next to you and to kiss your forehead.
“I’m heading out.” He slings the big black backpack on and walked towards the door. He stood by the front of the door struggling to put on his sneakers. “Sleep early my love” he sang stretching out each syllable. You giggled at the soft curse he did when he nearly stumbled over the slippers behind him.
“Take care,” You turned your head to look at him and to surprise you noticed his outfit.  “Oh my.. Please tell me you have a light shirt in your bag. You really gotta stop wearing all black. It’s too dark outside kook. Trust me, I’ll really buy you some twinkle toes” You said worriedly, remembering the incident that almost happened a few days ago. Stupid driver + Late night + Boyfriend in dark clothing + Walking = Not a good combination.
“Don’t worry, _____. Look, I got the shoes with the light reflectors. It’s not twinkle toes but it’s something” He smugly said with hands on his hips. You couldn’t help but laugh at him.
“Okay, love you, text me if anything. Go sleep early for real, it’s an order”
“Love you too” You said sending him a flying kiss, to which he pretended to catch and smack on his cheek before he closed the door.
You decided to get ready for bed. You turned off the lights in the living room, kitchen and the mini hallway. You walked in the bathroom to do your skin care and brush your teeth. You walked in the bedroom while using your phone, checking for updates on your social media. Peeling the covers open, you laid down and tucked yourself in. You set an early alarm for the next day and put your phone down. You stared at the wall, deep in thought. You were reminded of the familiar face you saw when you were at the library. Yes, it’s been almost roughly 5 years but sometimes you can’t help but remember the painful memories. It was still vivid to you. You rubbed your face with your hands.
“I can’t believe you would do something like that. Do you not trust me?”
“___, What the fuck are you talking about? I trust you! Why are yo-” You scoffed.
“What do you mean, what the fuck I’m talking about, you know damn well what the fuck I’m talking about.” You turned to face him.
“____.” He calmly looks at you and held your arm but you pulled away.
“Why the fuck would you send threats to my classmate? I told you we were just doing a project and it’s not like we were alone… I don’t even know him that well for you to accuse me of something”
“I didn’t even accuse you of anything, ___. Stop saying shit right now.” He rolled his eyes and turned away from you. You looked at him is disbelief.
“So texting someone like ‘hey, im ___’s boyfriend, and i need you to back tf away from her. I see the way you look at her’ blah blah blah and ‘if not, i know where you live and i swear ill torture tf outta you’ is not a threat? You’re already accusing me and someone else for doing something we didn’t do” He noticed your rage and turned around and walked towards you.
“___, It’s not like that, i prom-” You cut him off
“And you pulled a knife on him…” You say softly.
“W-what? H-how… What are you saying right now, ___. You sound stupid” There was a pregnant pause until you couldn’t hold back a hiccup. Your tears running down your face.
“I saw you. In the parking lot. After you dropped me off, I was gonna run after you when I saw that I left my bottle behind and there you were…” You looked up at him with glossy eyes
“There was my fucking boyfriend with a knife on my classma–” You jokingly said, with enthusiasm, as you turned around waving your arms towards your boyfriend as if you were talking to an audience. You nervously chuckled at the situation. You were in disbelief that you couldn’t even finish your sentence. You choked back the sob.  
That night was when you realized your boyfriend was fucking crazy. He was out of his mind. It was just like what those movies would talk about when the lead character has a girlfriend and she’s literally crazy; doing anything to get his attention. Except it was the opposite, it was him and definitely not you. What scares you the most is that, it happened, not twice, but more than 5 times. It’s not like how the movie depicts it to be anymore. It’s reality and much more scarier than that. He doesn’t know but you know he’s the one who stares at you from across the room of where you sat. You know, that he’s the reason why some people don’t talk to you the way they used to. It was all because of him your life started to feel like a living hell.
You shook the memories away. You checked your phone. 9:39 PM.
“That’s the past” You muttered to yourself.
“That’s way in the past, ___. You’re here now, Almost 5 years. You’re just hallucinating this again” You sighed. You reached to the nightstand and drank some water. You opened the voice recording app on your phone and clicked on the file that Jungkook made.
He knows about your story. He knows about everything. He knows why you moved and why you decided to change your life; and you loved how supportive he was of it. You can’t stress enough how thankful you are to be with someone like Jungkook.
File: a_lullaby_for_my_someone.mp3
“Hi, _____” His clear voice filling the quiet room “,I know you aren’t sleeping right now–and that explains why you turned to this recording, Ha. Anyways, That’s why I made this very special lullaby for you. Here’s my rendition to our song…”
And that’s when he started strumming the guitar.
Put your head on my shoulder
Hold me in your arms, baby
You placed your phone on his side of the bed and hugged a pillow. Finally adjusting your sleeping position, you closed your eyes and your previous thoughts were pushed aside as you focus on your boyfriend’s singing
Squeeze me oh so tight
Show me that you love me too
Your breathing becoming slower and free from panic
Put your lips next to mine, dear
Won’t you kiss me once, baby
Just a kiss goodnight, maybe
You and I will fall in love
20 notes · View notes
iceamericanoventi · 5 years
Text
Love Will Find a Way, Well, Eventually : 2. In Between
“Where are you going?”
If it was inside Cartoon Network’s universe, everyone must be able to see the smoke fuming from both his nostrils and ears. Jinki looks beyond distressed when he’s lifting his ass from the chair. No one on the table was his partner, but Minho decided to throw some ridiculous question then played dumb as if he didn’t just ask one.
“Should I have number one here?”
He started getting irked, but that doesn’t stay long until Kibum casually munched his breadstick while spluttering his witty comments as usual, “Surely Taemin would be delightful.”
Taemin who didn’t do anything almost chocked himself with a piece of tomato and kicked Kibum’s shin under the table, eventually.
“Promise me you won’t run away?”
Dumbfounded, Jinki emptied his pocket and almost smashed the table with his belonging.
“Are you my husband? Here’s my wallet. And my phone!” and with that, he left the other three men finishing their meal.
“Is he always in this temper?”
Lee Taemin gave him another look, pleading him not to embarrass them further, but Kibum just shrugged and muttered ‘I’m just asking’ under his nose.
“He was mad with me since this afternoon. Plus, he has lots of stuffs to think about these days. But don’t worry, he never really got mad unless you disturb his nap.”
“What is he? A bear?”
“Yaa! Kim Kibum!”
Minho couldn’t help but laugh to the scene happened before his eyes. Taemin is famous for being friendly and very expressive only if you know him, even if he’s talkative. To penetrate his bubble is very hard at first, but this man sitting across him, he seems like he’s already inside that bubble since the very beginning. He really is someone closed to him. Kibum looks mesmerizing, even in his grumbling nature. The oversize sweater wrapped his lithe build perfectly.
A phone call arrived to Kibum's phone, he picked it up frantically and excused himself to take it outside.
"What do you think?"
“Eh?” Minho doesn’t even realized he got his eyes entailed Kibum’s silhouette until it disappear by the entrance door.
“You seemed in trance. I know Kibum is beautiful but I didn’t expect you’ll be this amazed with my friend,” Taemin’s sipping his wine, a smirk is very apparent in his devious face. 
“I guess it’s safe to say that you’re not a liar.”
Minho reopened his mouth few minutes after he’s assured that Kibum’s not going back any soon. Taemin is not ecstatic, sometimes he wondered if Minho has a decent sense of humor of a friend.
“For your information, I’m not and never been. I’m the most honest person you’ve ever encountered in your life.”
“Everyone in this room knows that’s not true.”
“Whatever. I might know my ways deceiving people, but I never lie to my friend.”
 “Did you just admit that you’re lying here and there, Lee Taemin?”
Taemin rolls his eyes, again, probably for the nth times already this evening. Without Jinki around, he can be more relaxed on throwing his tantrum on Minho.
“Choi Minho, people lies at some certain points of their life. Get over it.”
He gulped down the rest of his wine, Taemin then called a waiter near them to bring him another one.
“Kibum seems nice. He sounds smart.”
“Sounds? Did you even listen to yourself? No writer is not smart, Choi. Moreover, someone who’s been writing the past decade!”
“I only know him for one night. Who knows he’s just acting?”
“Dude, not everyone is an asshole like you.”
“An asshole wouldn’t agree to bring his best friend along in front of a psychopath like you.”
Taemin snorted and Minho’s smirk reappeared on his face.
“That is literally what a psycho would do, selling their friend for their own benefits.”
Minho wiped his mouth before washed down the dinner with cold water, “And that’s exactly what Jinki accused me for. You two shared a brain or what?”
“Any sane people would say the same, Honey,” this time Taemin’s smirk that made the other scoffed, “By the way, what’s the deal with Jinki? He looks like he’s been sitting on thorny cushion the whole dinner!”
Minho knows Taemin would ask such question eventually. However, he couldn’t say that Jinki hates the whole dinner date plan, it’s impossible. Besides that, knowing him for years, Jinki really is an angel in disguise, well, at least when he’s in the mood.
“People have different, what should I say, defense mechanism? And that’s how he is. What kind of person who talked nonstop during their first meeting, anyway?”
“Oh, I don’t know, me?”
“That’s why you’re a freak.”
“A freak who introduced you to your potentially next boyfriend.”
“Ha. Point taken,” Minho raised his hand to ask for the dessert, “Jinki is just not the type of person who will talk a lot and open up in a second. But I guarantee you, he’s a good person. Sometimes a little bit care too much for other at certain time so probably being brazen is his forte.”
“That reminds me of someone.”
Taemin and Kibum spent their high school days together. Separated for some years due to works and educations, their relationship’s all well maintained. They understand each other, including Kibum’s nature to always put others before him at any given situation.
“Appearance wise, though, what do you think about Jinki?”
“Choi Minho, I’m not a teenager anymore. Judging people around by its cover is no longer my habit.”
“But a designer like you must love a beautiful package, don’t they?”
“Well, to be honest, his lips and eyes itself could get me floored in one glance.”
“I knew it.”
“You’re a famous photographer for a reason.”
***
Cold wind slapped Kibum’s cheeks lightly when he pushed the door and parched to the corner near the valet post.
“Okay, now you can speak. Sorry, I don’t know why the reception wasn’t good enough inside.”
“Then I’ll be frankly here. There’s a possibility for making the special edition for the short story collection. But then, we’re still short of two stories at the moment.”
“Wait, wait, but we already have nine! I finished writing nine! Why should I add another two?”
“The publisher agreed to the preposition for at least twelve stories. You should be grateful I could pitch one less story!”
Kibum looks like he’s about to punch anyone passed within radius one meter around him, but nothing in reach besides a huge pot of short palm tree and concrete wall. And he needs his hand to finish his books still.
“But, Amber. Page wise, those are more than enough to make two new books. Are they out of their mind?”
There’s a loud groan banging on his ear drum came from the other line, “Dude, I almost flipped the table when I was at the meeting you have no idea. The board has new man and that guy is a pain in the ass.”
“Would it change the circumstance if I talked to them by myself?”
“Since when do they have time to talk to the writer directly? We’re head to head with bunch of snobs here, did you forget?”
“I should had not agree to let them touched my writings. Now we’re about to face dead end.”
It was a dream to work along this publisher. It was Kibum’s dream since he started writing when he took gap year after graduated high school. And as if it’s a fate, it was the only publisher agreed with his graphic novel concept five years he climbed his career professionally.
“Listen, Kibum. When I met you years ago, I promised I’ll work my ass hard to help you publishing your books. Not because I knew you, it’s because you’re good. You’re amazing writer and I’m not giving up easily. And neither you. Not when anybody can tell that you’re a gem.”
“I haven’t written any book since last year, Amber. I’m in a slump. Writer’s block is not even describing my bad luck at the moment.”
“Honey, you haven’t written any because you’re currently waiting two books released. And if I could do my magic, another one in, let’s say, six months.”
“If I could make up some words into another story within two weeks. If you could convince them to give me mercy.”
“Did you just know me yesterday?”
Kibum’s tired giving sane response, “What do you mean?”
“I’m waiting their secretary to call me in ten minutes. We’re going to discuss some new deals and I’ll make sure one of them is going to be your new nine stories book.”
“I actually have no idea if I don’t have you as my editor slash manager slash friend slash personal ranting partner slash whatever you want to be.”
“Rockstar. That would be cool.”
“You’re going to be a kick ass one to be honest.”
“I bet. Anyway, expect another call from me in the next couple hours. I’m sorry, but tonight we might need video call to resolve some issues.”
“I hate you for confiscating my time but you’re the best.”
“As always, ain’t I?”
The phone call ends already, but he still forlornly looking at his phone’s screen. With that, Kibum remembers all the works he needs to catch up for tonight. With that, he can put aside all the unnecessary anxiety and tension of tonight’s stupid match making session.
He took a glance of his watch and could only sighed, he better hurried inside to his dessert. The faster he finished, the sooner he can hit home and face the real deal. His deadlines.
Two steps away from the entrance however, he caught a familiar face sitting by themselves, staring to the busy street in front of the restaurant.
“Jinki?” he carefully calling the man, “Lee Jinki, right?”
The later tilted his head to the right and gave Kibum a simple smile, didn’t realize it dropped Kibum’s heart by the bottom of his gut.
“Aren’t you cold?”
Everyone would agree this winter is even harsher than last year’s. Jinki just lifted his left hand to make sure Kibum saw a cigarette slipped between his fingers, “Can I sit here?”
Jinki chuckles, “Aren’t you cold?”
Listening to the same question he threw a minute ago, he just rolled his eyes and took a place next to the other man.
“I’m waiting a phone call.”
“Important?”
“Kinda.”
Jinki blew some smoke out, “Hmm, I guess so. You sounded pretty upset over there.”
“Did I scream that loud?!”
“In my opinion? No. but a girl flinched and buzzed off rather hastily, so, you tell me.”
When he saw Kibum’s gaping like a fish in frantic expression, Jinki has no choices beside laughed again, surprising Kibum who’s quite convinced with his aloof personalities.
“I didn’t know you have so many jokes in store.”
“You learn something new every day.”
“Your face doesn’t show.”
“What about my face?”
“It’s handsome but with that attitude inside, seems like you’re the type who woke up at the wrong side of the bed every single morning and could kill someone annoys you at any time.”
“Well, to be fair, I did wake up in the wrong side of my bed this morning. But it’s because a certain dog occupied half of my blanket so I couldn’t disturb her.”
“You have a dog?!”
Kibum’s face lit up thousand times as if he just won some lottery. Strangely, it warms Jinki’s heart. No, scratch that, it would warm any heart, Jinki tried to generalize the situation.
“I don’t, unfortunately. She belongs to my friend. I’m taking care of her while he’s travelling abroad. Her father will pick her up this weekend.”
“Ah, too bad. We could have play date with my boys.”
“I’ll make sure to give you a call when I decided to adopt one later.”
“Do you think my invitation hasn’t expired yet by that time?”
“A man can only dream, can’t he?”
Kibum’s laughter is muffled by his own palm covering his mouth.
“Let’s go inside, you must be shivering.”
“But your cigarette?”
Kibum’s half stuttered caught red handed, Jinki already pressed the half-done cigarette on the sand bowl on his left, “I can always have another one at home. Besides, I doubt you would go inside without me dragging you along.”
Kibum thanked the universe that the place is not well lit, so he could hide the blush creeping his cheeks. Unfortunately, Jinki has a very good eye sight.
***
“Is my baby being a good girl when daddy’s away?”
Jinki scoffed when the man just entered his living room just literally threw his suitcase aside and scooped the little dachshund running toward his embrace. He gathered the suitcase and poor leather bag on the floor and placed it neatly near the saffron color couch.
The man later dropped himself next to Jinki who’s lounged himself there, checking his phone halfheartedly.
“Minho texted me the other day.”
“Why did he keep texting you?”
The man with dark grey hair didn’t catch the frown hanging on Jinki’s face and buried his face to the dog’s belly, making him groaned again. He lightly pushed the dog further and toppled his head on the other man’s laps.
The dog owner realized something’s happened when he’s not around. He put the dog on the ground and tapped her butt to send her back to her small bed near the pantry.
“Minho has my number and I have his name in my contact list. He can text me whenever he wants. Still jealous?”
Jinki closed his eyes when he started playing with his hair, “He’s still one of the reasons we broke up.”
“Baby, the only reason we broke up is because neither of us didn’t want to succumb into marriage. Minho was just a handsome face happened on the wrong time.”
“I have no idea why I still befriend him when it’s clear he wanted to shove his face to yours, all the damn time.”
“And I have no idea that you’re this type who holds the grudge for a long time. We were already out of relationship back then.”
“Still, a friend wouldn’t openly chase after their friend’s ex.”
“A friend wouldn’t, but a best friend would.”
“Whatever.”
He almost lost his control and slapped Jinki’s head of him, “Oh, come on. What’s bothering you this time?”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit. It’s written all over your face the second I saw you behind the door. And I’m pretty sure it’s not because my daughter misbehaved while I’m on my annual pediatric conference.”
Jinki sighed, nothing he could really hide it from the other man. Since they were in their almost five years relationship, since they became best friends around three years prior.
“Minho invited me for a dinner night.”
“Wow, fancy,” actually Minho already texted him about the dinner a bit, how he wanted to introduce Jinki to some acquaintance he has, “He gave up on me so he went for the only option?”
“For the record, your mom agreed that I’m way much sexier than you.”
“Three years ago, before your cheek bones buried under those mount of fluffy fat.”
“Said a man who came to me and straight ahead told me I looked cute after leaving a piece of paper with their number on my table.”
“I will put aside the fact that I love how romantic you’re for still remembering our first meeting but let’s back to the right path here because I don’t like the upset you. It’s fucking annoying.”
“He introduced me to someone, Jonghyun.”
He let out inaudible gasp and thanked the universe Jinki’s still closing his eyes. Otherwise, he would stop at once and avoided any discussion of the main reason which distressed his ex-boyfriend. Knowing the scenario before hands didn’t prevent him with the sheer pain graze him when it came from Jinki’s mouth himself.
“So? Isn’t that great? Do you think it’s about time?”
“I was about to argue that two years are still not enough to get over you but I guess you’re not in the same page with me so I’d say that I’m not interested into some relationship whatsoever at this point.”
Jonghyun wanted to cry listening to such words. His heart clenched, he inhaled – a very long one – before he continued caressing Jinki’s forehead.
“I am flattered, but I know you’re just teasing me.”
“Ha, you know me so well.”
“I’m not gonna fall on the same hole, Lee.”
“You won’t. You’re too smart to repeat the torture on the loop.”
“It wasn’t a torture, Jinki. I love you as much as you do. Or maybe just slightly more.”
“Not a chance. I love you more.”
“Stop it or I will kiss you.”
“I dare you.”
“I told you I’m not gonna fall on the same hole.”
“Smart, very smart,” Jinki opened his eyes only to find Jonghyun sticking his tongue out, “Okay, so at first, I don’t like the idea already. You know I hate any type of match making method. Even the online one. But being there, I realized that my current focus doesn’t involved other party besides me, my business, and—“
“And your grandfather?”
Jinki looks annoyed, “Remind me to add ‘always-cutting-people-sentence’ on the list of reasons why I broke up with you when I’m writing my journal tonight.”
“It’s true. I think he was also the cock blocker during our relationship back then.”
“Dude, we’re talking about my gramps. And to put him on the same category with Minho is beyond weird.”
“We already broke up when Minho made his move, for Pete’s sake!”
“Okay, okay! No need to raise your voice, you’re so scary when you’re angry.”
“Then don’t make me! Now, now, can you please be a normal human being so we can talk like adults for once?”
Jinki pulled himself from the couch to the pantry, snatching a pack of cigarette on the tea table before slipped one on the corner of his mouth.
“Can you not smoking inside?”
He snorted and padded to the direction of his balcony. It’s in the middle of winter but he doesn’t care a bit to the wind ready to slaughter his bones. If tomorrow the cold prevented him to leave the bed, then let it be. For once, he just wants to free his mind from the business.
“You need to remember that I can only treat patient on certain age,” Jonghyun followed few minutes after with a blanket he spread as wide as possible to cover both of them without feeling suffocated for standing too close.
“The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends people be under pediatric care up to the age of 21, though.”
“Did you just quote Wikipedia? And we’re not in fucking States! Above and beyond, shame on your wrinkles!”
“Rude.”
“You’re the rude one to your lungs!”
“Then tell me how to ease my mind without nicotine! Tell me how to forget all those troubled night and just sleep! Do you think it’s easy taking care of worrisome business and messy family without distraction?! Stop talking non sense if you do know how to save my days!”
Any word seems taboo once Jinki exploded. Both man just staring into the dark evening below Jinki’s unit. People paraded as quickly as possible on the street to fight the harsh weather. It’s not that late, but only few cars passed by. The dim light of the street lamp’s soothing the tense atmosphere in a way.
Jonghyun leaned closer to Jinki’s arm and rested his head on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with that.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you.” 
“You know that you can always talk to me right?”
“I’m tired bothering you. You already have a lot in your hands.”
“Besides my patients and Roo, there’s nothing really confiscated my time.”
Having someone like Jonghyun who would stand next to him, scold him then hug him right after, no matter how awful he behaved and treated the other man, Jinki every so often thinking what kind of good deeds he did in his previous life.
Jinki cocked his head, inhaling the trace of scent of Jonghyun’s favorite shampoo. Initially, he was about to kiss the top of his head, like he used to do when the other man leaned on him for whatever reason it was. He remember, though, the earlier period after their broke up – after settling their feelings for few months of course – the shorter man told him not to do that anymore because it was the doctor’s Achilles heel. So instead, he rubs his cheek over the thick hair, silently telling Jonghyun he’s sorry.
Some nights – especially right after that dinner date – he had thought, maybe one of the reason he reprimands Minho’s idea is just because he still has tiny hope that Jonghyun and him might had another chance in the future.
“From time to time, I was thinking that the more day passed, we’re closer to the image of friends with benefit.”
“Friends with benefit? Tsk,” Jonghyun slapped his forearm, “The only benefit I got from you is you’re the only perfect nanny for Roo when I’m away.”
“Those cups of coffee every single time you stopped by my shop?”
“Pfft. How stingy. I’m leaving.”
“Heartless.”
Jonghyun didn’t say anything more and returned inside to gather his things and called Roo. He desperately needs some hot shower. Somewhere inside him, he was expecting Jinki offering him to stay the night knowing how caring the man and the fact Jinki knows he bolted to the other’s apartment right away after landed.  
When Jinki handed him the leash, that hope vanished in second.
“What if later I really considered this person? Or any other person collided with me on the future?”
Jonghyun smiled, he looks tired, but very sincere, “Then good.”
“Because I’m not gonna bother you anymore?”
“No. Because you’ll have someone to share the happiness with.”
***
cross-posted in my AFF
5 notes · View notes
tenecity · 6 years
Text
from haters to lovers; zhu zhengting
from haters to lovers—a series where nine percent and you have the cliche, typical love story
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warning: mentions of gender discrimnation
sosososososososo after much procrastination, crying and cracking my head, i finally got someth to possibly hate abt zzt hell yes god
also! taking into consideration tt china is still a v much conservative society, gender discrimnation is everywhere and rlly, as of yet, cant b helped
so which is why, imagine ure a chinese woman you found it weird, almost distasteful that a boy would be in yr dance class
i mean, guys are suppose to be strong people, doing more physical stuff like wushu or smth, and then there’s this boy here, doing pointe and perfect turns
“zhu zhengting is here!!!! oml doesn’t he look like a fairy?” your best friend tugs your sleeve as she discreetly point to the said boy. you roll your eyes. youre tired of this whole rave about him. literally, the entire class fangirls abt him; and apparently, it is not just for his looks, for also for his dance
spsjssjnsnsbs hE IS SO ELEGANT
you wld nvr admit it, but ok i guess ure borderline jealous.
i mean, his lines r clean, force controlled in his movements, perfect timing for rushed movements and then he slows down with such grace that you will never have 
but its still irks you, that a boy should dance so softly and gracefully. doesn’t seem to sit well with your traditional thinking 
so anyway, sidenote! you suck at turns wowww so coincidental
and every lesson, you usually would stay back just to practice it and you always end up with bruises and what nots as you fall repeatedly, no one there to catch you when you fall 
somehow, zhengting stays back today as well, rehearsing his main role in the upcoming performance, “swan lake” 
and you can’t keep your eyes off his figure 
it is mesmerising, how he can convey emotions, feelings, an entire story, through mere movements of the arms and legs. you observe how his every move is calculated, strength justttt the right amount that it looks elegant instead of overly powerful. 
and then you stare at the mirror and you sigh. probably why you only got a minor role in the performance. 
shaking your head, trying to push all those nonsensical thoughts out of your brain, you continue trying to turn, but you just can’t find the balance
yixing: balance baLanCe bALANCE
once again, your arms aren’t fully stretched out and it creates an imbalance, causing you to once again, fall backwards, out of turn 
you shut your eyes, bracing yourself for the impact
but it doesn’t come 
surprise surprise
eyelids fluttering open slowly, you realise just how close your are to zhengting, his ragged breath from his exhausting rehearsal fan across your face, inevitably making them the colour of cherries.
“you ok?” he softly asks, as he lowers you down.
“...yea im fine.” you mumble, head bowed.
“....do you need help with the turns?” 
“....”
“you know, you’re almost there. its just the part at the 180 degree mark, where you have to pull in your hands. your arms don’t always cross, or are pulled in too fast, which breaks your flow and speed and causes you to fall out of turn.” 
how does he know? bc he has been looking at you, dumbass
also i hve no idea how accurate this is i suck at body anatomy
you nod slowly. he makes sense. and its true, you always fall when you are just about to spin to the opposite side.
getting up, your arms are poised, ready to try again. 
andddd they become frigid as hands land on your middle, firm and supportive.
“look, its not even straight here. you need it to be 90 degrees here, before you can even start turning.” he adjusts you accordingly.
“im going to spin you slowly, and we try to perfect each section, ok?” 
he spins you slowly, your arms closing in in slow motion. he corrects you at certain parts, one hand leaving your waist as he repositions yr arm.
and now, ure facing him, head bowed as a flush colours your cheeks when u realise how close the two of u r. a slight movement will just allow yr lips to brush against his.
but of course his hand is steady as hell and he just turns you slowly and you face the other direction
which, makes ur stomach churn and disappointment flows thru u????
so skipskip next scene
its after class and ure packing up when u hear some commotion at the corridor
n u follow ur busybody classmates
u can barely see who is shouting bc u a cute shortie :)
but u recognise the voice
"NO i'm staying dad. this is what i want to do."
"No, no, no. teacher, im v sorry, but i will like to pull my son out of this dance class now. i will pay the rest of the fees, but he will not be performing that stupid recital-” 
“i am performing, dad.” the voice is calm and collected and you try to tiptoe, just barely catching sight of the brown locks
“no u r not. zhu zhengting, u r a boy, u cannot do this kind of girly things! it makes u look v 娘* do you know that? a disgrace, an utter disgrace!”
the voice rings as everyone falls silent, heads turning towards zhengting, waiting for his response to the harsh comment. 
“i will prove to you that there is nothing to be ashamed of.” he quietly says, bowing and turning his heel, head held high, with no sign of regret or disappointment 
as you watch the figure go, everything falls together like pieces of a puzzle
why he works so hard 
why when it already seems perfect enuf, he still practices, saying there is still space for improvement 
why he was so desperate to get the main role 
he wanted to b in the spotlight and give a flawless performance bc he wanted to prove to his father, that boys dont have to b restrained to a singular activity and stereotype. they can do whatever they want, so long as they like it 
guilt washes over u as u watch his father storm after his son, realising that this man is a reflection of you
new found respect is the word u will use on zhengting. 
everyone applauds him. an art form shld never be restricted to a gender.
ur heart opens up to him more, and admiration for him blooms as u watch him place high expectations on himself, doing a particular move over and over again, even tho in your eyes, it alr seems perfect enuf
just like how he is to you; perfect and flawless
its addicting to watch him. his pale arms, his clean movements, his strong legs, his silky brown locks, the way his eyes sparkle when he talks about dance, the way the edges crinkle when he laughs, the way he is so bubbly about everything.
and he starts to take notice of you too, helping you to readjust properly, telling you tricks and tips on how to keep perfect balance, how to put the correct about of strength into a movement. 
for the next few weeks, you end up gg hme later than usual, staying bck with more than an hour just to spend time with him, and not gg to lie, you r falling for him 
but... you kinda don’t rlly knw i mean 
he’s nice to everyone
what makes you so special?
anywayyyyyyy
FINALLY RECITAL DAY WOOHOO
everyone’s pretty hyped about it
but u knw the main dancers will be extremely nervous and u decide to go find zhengting in his dressing room, just to give him assurance, if he needs any.
“zhengting?”
“hmmm?” he says (???) as he turns around and oMLORD JESUS CHRIST IS HE A BEAUT
the eyeshadow makes him look sultry, the foundation emphasising how his skin is flawless and hydrated, his eyebrows strong and dark, a true prince indeed
he snaps his fingers, pulling u out of yr trance. “did you want to say anything?” u hear a hint of hope and u almost smirk 
“uh...you look good? and good luck.” you mumble, tripping over your words, unused to a god-like creature looking at u with such intensity in his dark eyes
“what did you say?” he teases, cheekiness flowing through his words
“i said,” you clear your throat. “you look good and good luck for your performance
how you wish to wipe that smirk off that face, if not for the fact that u secretly find it EXTREMELY HOT and your cheeks are flaring red at the sight of it.
“if u want to wish me good luck,” he leans forward. flirtatious. “how about a kiss on the cheek?” 
you roll your eyes and try to push him away but he is quick to grab your hands and stop them midway, intertwining your cold, clammy ones with his own.
“please?” 
“fine,” you try to sound nonchalant but the nervousness is so evident that u see the smirk creeping up his face again.
lips barely brush over the smooth skin and you pull away, blood surging upwards into the blood vessels of your face.
“bye,” you want nothing more than to dig a hole and hide your burning face 
“see you afterwards?” 
but u’ve already rushed out and he chuckles to himself, warmth oozing thru his being, and his cheeks flush as he thinks about the kiss you give him. 
he will definitely have to find you later to give you a proper one ;)
you guys wld b cute buBS UWU
my endings suck dbhasdjbfhjdbkjf
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were-cheetah-stiles · 7 years
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So yesterday I talked to this lady who was shook nasty because of her husband leaving her for her friend. Together seven years married one. What’s the fucking point of seeking out a relationship when shit like that happens everyday. I’m not a decent person. Something like that is bound to happen to me.
well, i do not know why you sent this to me, but i guess im glad you did. 
story time, gather round kids. 
so, i have had three major relationships in my life. 
the first, was about a year long, i lost my virginity to him, i loved him deeply, yada yada yada. he cheated on me. dated that girl for two years, and i had to see them every day because high school sucks. 
the second, was a little over a year. i loved him. he was not a good person. he was a consequence of the headspace i was in at that time. i’ll get to that in a couple. he cheated on me after about two or three months of dating. i took him back. he then had a month long affair with some other girl, which i suspected was happening later on, after it was over, and i never said anything. then, after we spent about a week together on vacation in Chicago, he drove 45 minutes out of his way to fuck some girl. he finally admitted that last one to me. i asked him about the affair, having had found some definitive proof about it, and he finally admitted to it. we broke up. i got over that one pretty quickly. 
the last one was the big one. this one wrecked me. this one put me in therapy and almost ended with me flunking out of college. three years. if you dig far enough back around my personal tumblr, you can find the remnants of that relationship. he was my first great love. i had never experienced anything like that before. madly in love was an understatement. madly madly deeply in love for three years. we were about two months away from moving in together when he suddenly broke up with me. i found out he had been cheating on me and then moved in with the girl he cheated on me with in the apartment that we had picked out together. he had about $3000 worth of my stuff. there was a restraining order involved because of some stalking on his part. yea. that shit just about ended my life. 
remember how i was talking about the second one being a consequence of my headspace at the time? well, my parents had been married for about 29 years? something like that, when he cheated on my mom and walked out on us. i didn’t talk to him for almost five years. i made some really poor choices in terms of men and trying to fill that role of a male figure in my life in the meantime. 
with all of that being said, anon. people are shitty, yes, and shitty things happen to them, but with a defeatist attitude like that one, i dont know what you’re expecting to happen to you. that’s really fucking awful for that woman, but why would that happen to you? you were not in her exact situation. 
also, those experiences and relationships i listed above, they shaped me. they made me strong and independent and fierce and have led me to where i am today which is generally content, with great friends and wonderful experiences, and really choosing to invest in my happiness. some shitty cheating happened to me, but you don’t see me hating on relationships or men. i mean, you do see me hating on men, but that’s because white cis men are the fucking worst generally.. i digress…. 
i think what really irks me about this is how you took someone else’s trauma and made it about yourself.. like, what? this woman lost her partner, her friend, her previous life, her marriage, and you’re like, what about my relationships? i don’t get that.
like, idk, man. that kind of attitude kind of pisses me off. that’s like “what’s the point of going into the ocean if people get eaten by sharks five times a year?” or like “what’s the point of getting out of bed if there are terrorist attacks in Syria?” IDK PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN LIKE WEST VIRGINIA AND YOU ARE MORE THAN LIKELY NOT GOING TO GET ATTACKED BY A CAR BOMB?!??! 
WHO CARES IF YOU GET HURT FROM LOVE? YOU SHOULD GET HURT FROM IT. IT ISN’T MEANT TO BE BUTTERFLIES AND UNICORNS ALL THE TIME. IT’S MEANT TO BE DEEP AND LAYERED AND DIFFICULT. YOU ARE MEANT TO INVEST TIME AND EFFORT INTO IT AND IF IT DOESNT WORK OUT, LEARN FROM IT. 
sorry. 
idk, dude. love is amazing. jump in, be afraid, but don’t let it stop you from living your fucking best life. 
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mceproductions · 5 years
Text
December 2018 Blurbs
12/1/18 The final Chapter on 2018's book began with me checking out the sequel to Wreck It Ralph. And it was Near perfect in every way possible. What wasn't was my drive back and the snowstorm that laid waste to the road, never had driven in snow that bad until today. Honestly was shaking for nealry 20 miles. Luckilly came back in time to see Bama win in epic fashion. I may not like them but they are #1. UCF won as well hopeful they can make the jump. 12/2/18 Connor ended up picking up a new kitten, he and Amber named Nelson. Now I know how Peele felt in Keanu. That cat was adorable and so sweet to be around. Especially that poofball tail. Packers stink as usual to the point where McCarthy got fired during his postgame press conference. Bama, Clemson, and Oklahoma will batlle on the 29th to see who gets the chance to play in Santa Clara. Notre Dame will join them, this should be expanded by all counts. 12/3/18 Andrew has another job, this one late at night. Hoping he'll stick this out. Heisman this year went down to the 3 QB's from Bama, Oklahoma and Ohio State. Wonder how the finalst math is done to drop the number from 5 to 3. Gifts need to be sent out to Eric and Company soon. New Tree skirt looks hopefully ok. 12/4/18 Stuff can take the cake really quickly when it comes to life. Connor apparently has broken things off with Amber now his gut is killing him. Karma at its finest people. Other than that, I don't mind having to get called out to do carts what irks me is when someone like Cole, drops off so I'm completley alone out there. His weaseled out method just really iritates me more. Bowl Mercahndise looking rather dull this year, may save money along those lines. 12/5/18 Well, Connor may have gut problems like me. The real kicker is how incompitent our hospital is here, and how they were throwing in words like liver failure and appendix issues. Grabbed mounted photo which allowed me to finish wrapping the gifts to be sent out to Eric and them. Hopeful that Eli Like gummi Bears. Main gift hunting will begin next week. Do love Holiday seaons, and all that they entail. 12/6/18 The cat may be be cute, but Connor breaking, entering and placing him on me in the middle of the night. Nope. He, can really take the cake when it comes to not knowing how to amicably end a relationship. Rebought Hobbit and that gave me, Legos for the first time in 15 Years. Will only get the Target lego hobbit editons and that will be it. Survey for class is adjusted and will hopefully be done by weekends end. Seminar I still have to do, hoping Dad will give a hand with that. Looking forward to Mamoa on SNL. 12/7/18 Pearl Harbor, a tragic event that led to a worse movie. But on this day there should be a new atalige on when it rains it pours for the winter. I call it When it snows it bursts, cause we all had issues today. Bravada may have a frozen gear shift. Eric lost another girlfriend, Connor may be out of a job, and Andrew may actually be doing better than any of us for once. This is a burst of bad luck. 12/8/18 A day that i had originally set out to do nothing now had me doing even less, thanks to the Bum gear shift. Not sure how we can fix that, other vehicle still waits in the wings. Watched more SpongeBob then i had in a long time wow I missed a bunch. Could really use some good in these next few days. 12/9/18 Packers finally won, just need miracles to happen in order to squeak into wild card. Vehicles e break lite may give me clue in order to fix it. Winter and Christmas need to show up quicker cause it certainly doesnt feel like it especially not around here. 12/10/18 Early night when it came to the back. Used VTO to leave early, stinks i lost a day but at least i caught up on stuff. 12/11/18 Bravada i bought finally became mine with licence plates. Saving insurance for after Christmas. Store had less on today which made the work at least plenteful. But the group with the exception of me and 2 others all left at 9:50 as we got left with the bulk of the cleanup. Not cool in the slightest. 12/12/18 First day with Bravada, not a bad go of things. Penultimate class, surprisingly am at an A hoping i can get this done within the next week. Contingency plan needed for tomorrow, will see SpiderMan on Saturday and hold off on Aquaman until after Christmas. 12/13/18 Nice to find out i can still tack miles on my feet. Will need to do that again soon. Packages got sent including book for retun. Retuned a bunch of stuff for gift stipened, hoping dad likes revenant more than hacksaw ridge. South Park finale made no sense. 12/14/18 Saving spiderverse for sunday, mainly so i can get rid off stuff at BAM, more cash more presents. Will still read Mortal Engines even though movie looks lousy. A lot of ties on countdown, and just discovered a couple i overlooked. Binging Bob's Burgers like crazy. Man that show is a lot better than i gave it credit for. Busted truck is gone from parking lot, didn't expect to have to have management nearly call cops on stolen vehicle though. 12/15/18 Day from hell is an understatement. Eric getting arested, Im working on stuff and Andrew seemed to not know when to keep his mouth shut. Bowl games starting today brought only form of relief. 12/16/18 Better day, Animated Spiderman was something to behold. Got bulk of christmas shopping out of the way. Bravada held up just wished i could get it back fully. Packers got knocked out of postseason. Just hope we can win one more, at least chances are good. Smash Bros Ultimate is awesome. 12/17/18 Mom's gift now safley wrapped. Football continues and the Saints better be hoping they stop stinkin things up. 12/18/18 Cap 2 was down to 4 with a mysterious virus going round. As everyone left by 6, i managed to get out early. Just hoping this doesnt come back to bite me in the butt. Hoping to wrap up gifts by Friday, Aquaman on Saturday may be possibile. Glad thats in town at least. Also did annual watch of Haruhi Suzumiya movie, how come they can't make a movie that long in America. Stinks it has to be shorter than 2 for animated. 12/19/18 Last Class, thankfully was short and sweet. Walked out in good mood after making thank you card. Just curious to know when i may get funds, cause have to take 2 classes otherwise just to get scholarship. Rose Bowl shirt looks great. Will finish gift wrapping by friday at least. 12/20/18 I dont know why but it just doesnt feel like christmas this year. Snow almost gone, skies are dreary and whatever mood were in around here just keeps going up. Better Days by Goo Goo Dolls seems more and more perfect in telling the moood were in right now. Hoping for a few good days, free christmas dinner at store tommorow should lift funk. 12/21/18 The mood certainly is festive store wise. Finished grabbing gifts. Wil be hoping they like them. 12/22/18 Down to the single digits in days left of 2018, one goal of mine i wished i picked up more on was the sign language aspect. Will be putting that back on the 2019 docket. Store for a few more days. Just hoped to go watch Aquaman thanks to VTO but based on what i got coming, better to hold off on that. 12/23/18 Penultimate truck of 2018, thankfully got that done by 10, finally got tree from mountain, bulbs i picked up worked brillantly. Hard to belive it all ends in a week. Good year overall. 12/24/18 Short 4 hours with only Chris and Cheyenne. Best store day of the year in which we turn off all lights and tell people who come in to leave. Cole on the other hand, once again, i got drugged out to fix his mess. Not pleasent. What was was prime rib and quiet dinner with family before i gave them gifts. Poofball hat idea worked on all but Dad may have to return his. Looking forward to nba on christmas day. Wonderful life and Polar Express double feature to round things out. 12/25/18 Linus from peanuts says it all. With angellic hosts proclaim christ is born in bethlehem. 12/26/18 Amazing how one day in total silence with family can turn into one explosive return to reality. All for the best 5 days of the year i suppose. Aquaman movie ended up being pretty great, never figured Julie Andrews would play a squid. Badgers Bowl game tomorrow then final day of work for year on friday. Just hopin i can get final blog posted on monday before library closes. Year is rapidly closing fast. Also 2nd Charlie Brown Christmas special sucks, a little bit much on the meaning of the season and not on what made the first special great all around. 12/27/18 Rain filled the day, a lot of water that may turn whatever snow we have into ice. Badgers won in Yankee Stadium and tomorrow is Walmart 2018 finale for me. Just wish i didn't have a week off after that, but i can make do with micro paycheck for a bit. Already trying to figure 2019 Goals, dont know whether to up it or lower it. Found Attack on Titan Season 3 on Digital. Yeah gonna be good tv this weekend. 12/28/18 The 2018 Season finale at Wallyworld. Epicly enjoyable. Just miffed that  have a week off with little to no Coverage coming in. May seek alternative option. Truck tire thankfully got fixed but other issue may now have arisen. Bad luck streak wrapping this year up strong isn't it? 12/29/18 Another college football playoff another Bama Clemson beatdown. At least Kyler and Oklahoma actually put up a fight. Not sure what movie to see tomorrow. Possibly saving Bumblebee for next week, or VICE. 12/30/18 Entry 364 and on this penultimate day, I chose to go see the Mary Poppins sequel. Oh man it was charming. The welcome balance of modern with slight hat tips to what came before. Packers embarrassingly concluded thier season. Orville came back on tonight and that was equally good, a bunch of side plots that somehow all culminated in one odd ritual where Bortus took a dump, and it was good. Looking forward to adding that on DVR. 5 Packages to send out tomorrow, not sure what i'll be doing when ball drops. 12/31/18 Bye Bye Yesterday...The culmination of 365 Days of life, and as we conclude 2018 I think, there was so much more I could have gotten done. 2 Weddings, A Super Bowl visit, watching Connor finish school, buying my first vehicle, nearly seeing a sporting event, and a prmomotion at wally world. So much more I could have squeezed in. Finished today up with helping dad with bread, and  he made chili, hoping that that wont make us all sick as hes been these last few days. As for this journaling buiness.  I may look into continuing this come 2019. After all that is now as i have put it the year of the endgame.  Definetly would want to chronicle that. Though maybe i'll go the Your Name Route and download an app to chronicle that for my Phone and Ipad. Here's to you 2018, now as Thanos snaps at 11:53 you'll crumble to dust and fade away in our minds and hearts. Its time for the next chapter, and im ready...To Be hopefully continued.
                                       End of 2018 Journal
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fiovske · 5 years
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(I guess I sent a public ask. If I did, please don't confront me out. If I didn't, let's continue) I advised a counselor but as you know many Indian parents do, they told me off. IDK. Also there is a lot going personally. I am losing motivation for everything. I can't seem to find my will. The motivational speeches and stuff have never helped me anyways. I am scared that I am being apathetic. I don't feel a lot of things and also feel a lot of things both at once. 💛
(dont worry babe it’s cool)
Counsellors are fucking awful in this country, i totally feel you there. Mental health is a broken institution on this country and it’s so awful that you’re better off suffering alone than going to them for help, I say this bc I’ve seen it from the inside and it’s NOT pretty. This all sounds so overwhelming i know I’d collapse if anything similar was going on with me, like i’d legit give out but gosh man I dont mean to romanticise any of this but you are real fucking strong for fighting back the way you are. But again what makes me mad is this is NOT your battle to fight! You should be out here having a healthy growth in a nurturing family bc thats what you deserve.. but instead all of these things they’re draining you out and exhausting you to the point that you’re losing motivation and just.. gosh it must be so overwhelming, the fear of feeling nothing at all and feeling everything at the same time.. but please dont judge yourself by this, like... things are very very difficult and it’s obvious you need help and it fucking sucks that your parents arent the support system they SHOULD be. Losing motivation in the face of all of this is only natural and I’d say you can fight back bc i know you’re strong but what irks me is you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to put up with so much going wrong all the time.
You need to give yourself time darling, you need to breathe. I know it’s difficult but find a part of the house, a corner somewhere (doesnt have to be your room) but somewhere that you can retreat to when everything is going to shit. Go there and try to breathe and give yourself the benefit of doubt. You’ve made it this far. And you’ll go further still. Give yourself time, even in the face of all of this.. let yourself have some time to breathe steady. It always seems to help me. And idk like.. it sounds ridiculous but i think writing stuff down may help too, in getting your thoughts in order. The situation with your parents is an impasse and I’m truly sorry about it bc it’s scary its so scary to feel the constant threat of it all falling apart and crushing you underneath but you to let yourself breathe okay? 
Make time for yourself and I would say try to care less of what your parents expect of you and set realistic standards for yourself by yourself but I’m still trying to make progress in that department so.. hey there’s something we’ve both gotta work towards and even though manziil is real far,,, we’ll get there.
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