#i dont even have to is the thing

[stil-lindigo]

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

--

no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.

#cw: suicidal ideation #cw: suicide #cw: self harm #cw: mental health #cw: depression #i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it #i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague #it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves #so. please dont #for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic #with the state of the world as it is #having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful #but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full #and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead #i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us #there is no fix-all #and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile #i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it #thank you for reading #and please stay alive #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

[july-19th-club]

seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything

#i personally like to not be doing things constantly at all times. it stresses me out #i know there are ppl who thrive on cosntant activity #but me i like to chill out. #and the problem then becomes that i only ACTIVELY remember to do work and Find More Work To Do when im stressed #at the thought that others might want to see me working #if im ever relaxed i just dont look for stuff to do #catch 22 of modern work culture which permeates even ostensibly noncapitalist structures like public libraries #for instance: will it really kill anybody if the books get shelved by me now after a very busy day? #or shelved tomorrow morning by. well probably me since i'll be the one at the desk #not in the slightest #but it was work that wasnt being immediately done by me. therefore it was incorrect behavior #that i failed to identify because my instinct is to relax when not immediately presented with a Situation #this got me labeled as 'having no initiative' by my dad from a very early age #and even as an adult i still feel like im a child with no initiative

[notbrucewayne48]

"aphobia doesn't exist"

bitch literally not that long ago an aroace youtuber animator was insulted by almost half of its community for being it

#i did some research about it and found out that the problem was principally that she had previous experience in the romantic area #so people just didn't take her seriously and said she was lying #even though she stated multiple times that she wasn't comfortable in those situations #now things are more calmed but damn #mind your own bussiness #i believe she knows more about herself than you #sorry if i offended you with this comment but i hate how aro/ace/aroace people are always left behind #insulted and rejected because they “dont know what they are talking about” #or because they “just have to wait for the right person” #or because they are “psychopaths and they are missing something” #i love that animator and she helped me realise a lot about myself #and now that i know the context i think i will start making a list and killing aphobes one by one #aromantic #arospec #asexual #aroace #acespec

[catmask]

sometimes while i think about that while a lot of adults did not treat me very well as a kid i also get a lot of 'in hindsight this person was so good to me and i didnt even realize it until now' as an adult. today i was thinking about how the first anime convention i ever went to was when i was 10 and i asked the man working the manga cafe what manga was/what a good place to start was (because the con was very overstimulating for me and i had gotten lost) and he asked how old i was before recommending yotsuba and asking if i wanted any water or something to eat. its really simple but theres a lot of bad things that couldve happened or he could've been careless in his recommendation, but instead yotsuba has remained one of my favorite manga for years, and probably a large portion of why i continue to read manga as an adult... i think adults who try to involve kids in the world safely/kindly even in little ways make so much more of a difference than they ever really know.

#and i know that sounds silly like YES. it was just a bookr ecommendation #but i feel like a lot of people either dont really care about whats a good starting point for younger kids in their shared fan spaces #or dont really take the care to recognize different peoples ages would effect what they would both enjoy or #be capable of engaging with #not to mention theres a lot of manga that would NOT have been appropriate for a 10 year old to read #so the fact that he askedd and even asked what sort of thing i liked at the time #was very sweet. i think about him a lot and i hope hes doing well #txt #scratchpost

[pickled-flowers]

Sex positivity is also about not calling Ace people prude and using virgin as an insult 👍 hope that helps

#sex positivity is also respecting sex lives that dont look like yours #or lack thereof #and insulting people by saying they dont fuck make you sound stupid <3 #im sorry i just cant take people who use their sex lives as a flex seriously its just not my thing! #like yea having lots of kinky sex is cool but not having sex and not being interested by sex is also cool #one is not better than the other the human experience is just very varied and diverse #its normal you wont understand everyone your brain isnt even made to comprehend how many human there are in the world #but we should all have spaces to navigate our sex lives as we wish even if that means interacting with sex as a subject as little as possibl

[inkskinned]

i love when words fit right. seize was always supposed to be that word, and so was jester. tuesday isn't quite right but thursday should be thursday, that's a good word for it. daisy has the perfect shape to it, almost like you're laughing when you say it; and tulip is correct most of the time. while keynote is fun to say, it's super wrong - i think they have to change the label for that one. but fox is spot-on.

most words are just, like, good enough, even if what they are describing is lovely. the night sky is a fine term for it but it isn't perfect the way november is the correct term for that month.

it's not just in english because in spanish the phrase eso si que es is correct, it should be that. sometimes other languages are also better than the english words, like how blue is sloped too far downwards but azul is perfect and hangs in the air like glitter. while butterfly is sweet, i think probably papillion is more correct, although for some butterflies féileacán is much better. year is fine but bliain is better. sometimes multiple languages got it right though, like how jueves and Πέμπτη are also the right names for thursday. maybe we as a species are just really good at naming thursdays.

and if we were really bored and had a moment and a picnic to split we could all sit down for a moment and sort out all the words that exist and find all the perfect words in every language. i would show you that while i like the word tree (it makes you smile to say it), i think arbor is correct. you could teach me from your language what words fit the right way, and that would be very exciting (exciting is not correct, it's just fine).

i think probably this is what was happening at the tower of babel, before the languages all got shifted across the world and smudged by the hand of god. by the way, hand isn't quite right, but i do like that the word god is only 3 letters, and that it is shaped like it is reflecting into itself, and that it kind of makes your mouth move into an echoing chapel when you cluck it. but the word god could also fit really well with a coathanger, and i can't explain that. i think donut has (weirdly) the same shape as a toothbrush, but we really got bagel right and i am really grateful for that.

grateful is close, but not like thunder. hopefully one day i am going to figure out how to shape the way i love my friends into a little ceramic (ceramic is very good, almost perfect) pot and when they hold it they can feel the weight of my care for them. they can put a plant in there. maybe a daisy.

#warm up #writeblr. #i am not going to personally comment on the pineapple debate #some things are too big for me. #maybe we could have everything on earth choose their own names. #wouldn't that be fun #it is a creative writing exercise. okay. ily #''why only these languages?'' ..... bc i dont know every language #sorry :( #PLEASE leave me comments about what words u think are correct. i love learning them #btw! this isn't saying these are the most BEAUTIFUL words for it... just the words that are the most CORRECT #like i quite like the word ''keynote'' as mentioned. it's got a lot of fun sounds in it. #but it is not CORRECT. #''gloaming''' is interesting and fun and poetic but it is NOT correct . evening is MORE correct #but less beautiful. #does that make sense?

[treasureplcnet]

(lia voice) rolan you're 26. you should be at the pub

#i love them so dearly. the idea of rolan having a soft spot for kids bc it reminds him of his siblings #only thing that could pry rolan away from protecting them in the shadowlands would be seeing children at risk i think #and even that is a reminder of their childhood . anyone else have two younger siblings and weeping over him/this tiny side story or just me #rolan #lia #cal #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #my art #also i dont actually know how old rolan is . 26 is a guess because they all seem to be 20-ish with cal being early 20s

[the-holy-ghosted]

god i miss when this artist posted (<- is the artist)

#the heron speaketh #having a frustrating evening. #i keep promising fun things but i might just have to post something simple and self indulgent before i get in gear again #i have ideas but nothing will fucking posess me enough to actually sit and work on it i just keep picking and picking at things #this sounds pathetic oughhg woe is me but there are like. almost 450 of you. who followed for art. and i DONT POST #shaking myself by the shoudlers would you just draw please

[obsob]

despite, despite, despite!!

#mine #original #fun fact when i first started colouring this i like couldnt remember what th trans flag looked like #i just like. did it then was like . hmm. that is the flag of slovakia i think #anyway #i missed tdov by a mile but. hello #i missed th day bc i was at my bfs house. thats t4t love baby #i hope u hve all had a good easter!! #thank u to everyone who inquired abt commissions i am surprised abt th amount of interest!! #when this batch is done i will open more. will probably b a regular thing :3 #i will now do exercise and have a bath i thinky #i need to make myself read this book...im so not use to horror anytime i read anything remotely unsettling im like oohoohohohmmhhmm n #dont read for like. 4 days #ive read like 200 pages in 10 days KSFBSBJ get a GRIP #anyway. good evening

[umblrspectrum]

you'll never guess which movie i finally watched after 2 years of being lazy

#dont you just love it when your artstyle changes like 5 times in the span of a day #i saw emmachen1003 give them the glove type thingys and went “that looks cool. im stealing it” #so uhm. props to them for being awesome and making cool art #anyways that was a fun movie #not gonna say the title here cause i think it messes with searching and i dont wanna do that #that n frame is like the first time i have ever done a decent angle/perspective thing #im so proud of it you don't even know #murder drones #murder drones uzi #murder drones n #serial designation n #murder drones nori #absolute solver #i guess #or is it absolutesolver #whatever #oh yeah uhmm #murder drones episode 7 #murder drones episode 7 spoilers #murder drones spoilers #its been 2 weeks but im gonna give it another day just to be safe #just realized i fucked up the quote and its pissing me off so edited. go fuck yourself

[kaninchen-reblogs]

I think this is the funniest fucking notifications I've ever gotten in Morrowind.

#kanny says things #i have no idea which mod i have installed thats telling me im on my period #i installed most of these mods YEARS ago and i just recently got the urge to play again #so i dont even remember like 90% of the mods i have installed #im literally just in the middle of turning in some mages guild quests #and practicing a few spells #and now i guess my pussy decided to activate #morrowind #the elder scrolls

[voltaical-art]

im in agony. a little self indulgent but I think wyll deserves to be told he's loved and have a small breakdown about it

#bg3 #wyll ravengard #tav #wyll x tav #baldur's gate 3 #voltaical ocs #bishop #finally downloaded one (1) font bc i had too much dialog for this #i dont even hate ulder taht much i just thing wyll should talk about ANY complicated feelings he has about him. #also the way wyll always seems to be quoting him like pls what are YOUR THOUGHTS not some cryptic thing your father told you 10 years ago #and rlly if you take the way wyll describes the situation as hard truth #ALL the justification Ulder had for banishing his son #are conclusions WYLL has come to on his OWN since ulder only said ‘one word to him’ #LIKE his relationship with his father could have been SO interesting but wyll isn’t allowed to have ANY introspection at all #so he just apologizes and wyll continues to try and please him

[demadogs]

#this is so funny i had to post it i dont even have a caption i just want it on my blog #nepo baby struggles #stranger things #maya hawke #1k

[thedisablednaturalist]

I think when people think of mental illness and what helps, especially with things like anxiety and depression, the treatment involves pushing yourself. Pushing yourself to get out of bed, to exercise, to take a shower, to go out in public, to order your own food from the cashier, etc.

And because the mental health movement has grown so much, people think that's the default of ALL illnesses. That the only way someone will get better is if they push themselves. That practice makes perfect. That you'll become more comfortable or strong over time the more you do something.

But what people need to realize is, with physical disabilities and chronic illnesses, pushing yourself in most cases is DETRIMENTAL. Pushing yourself past your limits can lead to flare ups or further injury. That's why it's important to know your limits, how certain activities may affect your condition, and learn how to either adapt or get help to complete the activity in question.

Also, most of us are already pushing ourselves. Most of us don't have access to the help or equipment we need. Most of us live in places where we frequently encounter inaccessible obstacles. Most of us NEED to rest.

So please don't try to be our physical therapists or doctors. There are people specifically trained to help us navigate our own conditions and limitations. There are people trained to help us strengthen our body's resilience without causing flare-ups or injury. Do not tell us "it'll be good for you" or "you need the exercise" when we say something is too heavy or too far or when we say we need our mobility aid(s). Your friend with depression may need to be encouraged to get out of bed, but your friend with chronic illness definitely doesn't.

Respect our rest.

#wrenfea.exe #DISCLAIMER: dont take this as me saying you should be pushing your mentally ill friends #this is more about how physical conditions often differ in how they are treated #also dont like. force your friends or anyone with anxiety to do things they dont want to #thats what therapists are for #also most mental illnesses require medication alongside therapy before they can get better #but even chronic illnesses and disabilities that benefit from exercise still require knowing your limits #and not being pressured to push past them #ive noticed some professionals who help both mentally and physically ill patients tend towards the push method #like my therapist and sometimes my counselors fall back on that method #and i have to remind them i am already pushing myself #and i need to adapt rather than push forward #chronic disability #chronic pain #spoonie #disability #chronic illness #cripple punk #cripplepunk #cpunk

[falled-over]

its true he just comes to you in your moment of need

#i was playing the game and then i had to make dinner #i remember seeing posts about this phenomenon before even playing the game... it inspired me i had to know him #it was so funny i was not trying to think of him at all and his voice actor just appeared in my head doing my secondary narration thing #you know what i mean. when youre doing something so you have a little conversation in your head. #its been like years since ive had a character narrate it for me. the speech pattern is even my best impression of him #dont play video game for hours #disco elysium #kim kitsuragi

[inkskinned]

the problem is that being single is seen as the consolidation prize, and not the natural neutral state of being-a-person. at the end of the movie or the book or the poetry, there is a person waiting for you at the altar, and they love you. if the play is a comedy, everyone gets married. the metaphor is about how you are not-whole. the metaphor is about how everyone is going to be happily-ever-after. the metaphor is that romantic love is the most important resource on the planet, not just all-love. all-love is not a thing, that is a disappointment. the treasure is not the friends we made along the way. the treasure is the girl you landed.

the metaphor is that you cannot be alone, that means you are broken. are you getting over someone? that is acceptable, you can be getting over someone, but not for long. you must be single because you would rather not be single. you must be single and looking to not-be-single. you must want to date, eventually.

friendship and community are never seen as being equal-to or even-better than romantic connection. that person is your one! you need to find them. you need to hunt through the sand particles until you can shift out some kind of gem. this is regardless to your own experience of the beach and the sun. you need to be somewhere with someone.

if you are taking this time alone to heal, that is so sad. everyone gives you this little pitying look. the understanding is that you are not actually happier than you were before you were single. it is seen as a sort of pity - oh, you are choosing yourself, making yourself the priority? - that isn't quite right. you must mean that you are making yourself ready for the right person. you are just laying the bed better this time. open up your heart. you'll find them, we promise!

what do you mean you're really-truly genuinely-very happy? you are probably misremembering what it was like to be in a relationship. and besides, once you meet your person, that time will look grey and bland and wasted. your person is the only way for you to see in color. so what if you have taken this time - for the first time in your entire life - to actually-for-real do the fucking work. you can be proud of yourself, sure. but the way we need to know that you got better is that you get a partner. you're healed enough for the next bad part!

people don't choose to be single, they just say they're choosing to be single - they actually mean "nobody wants to date me." it doesn't matter how many people you have gently rejected or how many times you've talked it over carefully in therapy. what matters is that you are single, and by all accounts - that means you are something worth our pity. your successes and life all seem pale in the sunlight. sure, you have done amazing things and finally found your way in life. what matters is that there wasn't a person in the room with you while you did it.

you want to tell them - that's the whole thing. i didn't know how to be alone in the room. i didn't know how to handle the silence. every moment was so sharp, and i kept choosing the wrong way to close the door. i have spent my entire life in the empty well, living in the ricochet of someone else's cruelty. for once i have built myself a ladder. for once everything i taste is all mine, every bite of sunshine and laughter. i have learned how to sleep out in the open with my memories. recently, they have started to purr.

your father rolls his eyes. listen. this isn't about you. i just want a grandchild in my future.

#writeblr #i actually didn't want a girlfriend before nat #and my dad recently said to me - raquel. i don't approve of the promiscuity #1. i am 30. #2. i had casually dated about 4 people over 18 months. #3. i do believe he was just mad that i get more girls than he ever did #i had to look this 60 yr old deacon in the eye and say. okay so i have a girlfriend first of all im just not tellin yall about her #and secondly. #OKAY???? OLD MAN I DONT EVEN LIVE HERE WHAT ARE U GONNA DO ABOUT IT #briefly considered asking nat if i could pretend we were a one night stand kind of a thing