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doobea · 6 months

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BORN TO MAKE HISTORY - RIN ITOSHI

synopsis: After his brother takes a nasty fall and calls out before the new season starts, Rin has to step up as your new figure skating partner.

✰ ✰ ✰જ⁀➴ PLAYLIST.

contents: an ice skating au fic (very much yuri on ice inspired), fem!reader, ice skating terms and irl figures thrown around but not that super important, lmao probably inaccurate depictions of figure skating, sfw, kinda enemies to lovers but its really just rin being anti-social and cold, sae is a decent brother in here, characters are in their early-mid 20s, talks about ISU grand prix, mentions of mental health (depression, anxiety, burn out, imposter syndrome), heavy narration, rin centric, multiple parts will be added but no set scheduling of course word count: 4.3K (sigh there will be more) a/n: you know... whenever i feel like i hit a writer's block... thinking about rin always helps me break out of it so thank u...

For as long as Rin can remember, he's always followed in his brother's footsteps.

Whatever that meant being interested in the same shows, books, and sometimes even hobbies, Rin would always be one step behind. It was a long-time habit that he picked up ever since he was little. There was a small running joke that if you wanted to find Rin, all you needed to do was find Sae. If anyone were to ask him why, he would probably shrug and refuse to answer, though his parents would gush on about how much he looks up to his older brother, and… it’s not a complete tall tale.

His brother is talented and not in a ‘he can totally balance a stack of rocks in one try’ type of talented—though Rin is pretty sure that Sae can do that—but in a ‘he’s born with a natural gift to be absolutely perfect at everything he touches’ type of talented. So, regardless if Rin is always one step behind his brother, he knows deep down that it will always be Sae standing on the very top of the podium with a gold medal around his neck.

Sae delved into figure skating at the age of eight, and Rin quickly followed suit. It began on a family night in, the brothers gathered around their small, worn-out television, fixated on the Winter Olympics in muted colors. Although ice skating initially served as mere background noise while their mother knitted, they both felt an undeniable pull.

Rin was only thirteen when he first won silver at his junior debut competition. In that same year, Sae also moved up to the senior-level groups and gave his first professional appearance during the Japan Figure Skating Championships. Unsurprisingly to no one, Sae effortlessly won gold, putting the whole world on notice and overtaking the competition by over 40 points. From that moment forward, Sae was recruited by an international coach and was sent aboard to different training facilities.

It burned in Rin’s memories of all the irregular Facetime calls they would have of Sae giving him a walking tour of the cities he stayed in. New York was too loud and bright. Chongqing felt like something out of a fairytale and a cyberpunk city at the same time. Saint Petersburg was too cold but Sae liked grabbing pirozhki from a street food vendor before practice every morning. Despite being only two years older, he sometimes felt like he was worlds away from his brother’s place.

Still, after everything, Rin looks up to him. It doesn’t bother Rin that he’s always ‘second best’—according to those poorly written sports magazines—because this is something they can bond over, something that only they can understand.

And maybe this is Rin’s motivation to eventually surpass him.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t go exactly how he imagines it.

“You’re going to sub in for me.”

Sae is sitting up on his bed, his right leg bandaged tightly all the way up to his knee, and he’s saying this with his usual straight-laced expression. Their mother has always complained about being unable to read Sae’s emotions and Rin always thought it was pretty amusing growing up. But now, he finally understands what his mother was talking about.

Rin straightens his back in his seat, a colorful plastic chair from their childhood that’s now too small for a person his size, and almost drops his phone. “Did you hit your head too?”

His brother rolls his eyes and continues, “I know you’re taking a break this season but I promised one of my juniors that I would compete with them. Luckily,” and he points to his injured leg, “this isn’t a permanent issue but I think it’ll also be good for you.”

Sae’s injury happened during practice overseas at a training facility in Madrid. It’s a mild ankle and knee sprain from overexertion and stress factors from jumping too often. He was treated briefly before their parents suggested flying back to Japan to fully recover. It’s not uncommon for skaters to suffer from these types of injuries but why does Sae feel the need to bring Rin into this?

During last year’s Grand Prix Final, Rin had barely finished in the top ten. He fumbled with his short program and free skate, failed to land his quad jumps three times, and had a sloppy step sequence, both of which were supposed to be his strong suits. That day, he didn’t bother joining his coach at the kiss and tell, ignored all the swarming paparazzi self-proclaimed journalists, and uninstalled every social media app on his phone. His fans, coaches, and his family were all concerned as to how someone like him was able to fall that low compared to his higher-than-average stats. Rin had blamed it on something he can’t even remember, maybe a stomach bug, he thinks.

Obviously, that wasn’t the case, everyone could see right through the lie but not entirely the truth of it. News outlets flooded the market with headlines shaming him for not living up to his older brother’s standards, not being a good representative for his nation, and that it was all karma for having an ‘unbearable’ personality to work with. His coaches retired after his flimsy performance and all but two of his sponsorships dropped him. Rin hasn’t officially given out a statement regarding anything.

Depression is a hell of a thing to deal with. Rin’s dealt with it in the past when Sae first moved aboard. Luckily, Sae is perceptive to this kind of thing. The daily calls helped, despite the harsh timezone differences, and eventually Rin was able to move past it. The reality of it though, is that depression never really fades away, it’s almost like an addiction. Sometimes it takes hold in a moment of weakness, one that Rin doesn’t even realize he has until it’s too late. Maybe it’s all the rigorous training, all the comparisons to his brother—he tries not to think too much about it.

He didn’t know when the feeling hit him or why it decided to affect him that day.

For the past several months, he’s been spending time gliding around their local ice rink, teaching some kids on the side to keep his mind preoccupied because, if not that, then he’ll probably end up laying in his bed all day. It works and it’s at least a healthy distraction but, at the same time, he can’t shake the gnawing feeling in his chest every time someone mentions his last performance.

Rin feels like he’s hit a wall. A thick, towering, uninviting wall. And he doesn’t know if he’s ready to face his baggage yet.

“I’m not going to do that.” He finally answers and watches as his brother’s face stays unfazed.

“I need you to.” Sae presses on. “You need to get out of whatever rut you’re in. You’re not happy and going back might help. Forget about competing in singles and join pairs.”

Sae might be talented in everything else but, like Rin, he’s bad at choosing his words and comforting. Rin knows what he means though and he can’t exactly blame him. He’s lost weight, most of it being muscle, and whenever he does get back from work, Rin holes up in his room playing horror games all night long. Rinse and repeat.

At least there’s a level of concern and sincerity behind Sae’s tone, unlike the vulture-like glee from the tabloid reporters.

“I’m…” Rin’s throat feels heavy all of a sudden and he struggles to find an excuse.

Instead of answering, he fixates his attention back to his phone, it’s a news article about Sae’s injury and his withdrawal from the skating season. The article also has a photo of you posing next to his brother, elbow resting on his shoulder while your other hand raises a peace sign towards the camera. Rin hasn’t heard much about you, not that he actively keeps up with any of his competitors, but Sae has mentioned your name here and there before since you both share the same coach.

From what Rin knows, you started skating around the same age as him. You won a few local competitions and managed a bronze medal in the women’s singles category during the Japan Skating Championships. Supposedly, this year you’re attempting to take a shot at qualifying for the Grand Prix Final for pairs. With Sae out of the picture, Rin really hopes the responsibility doesn’t fall on him.

The look that Sae is currently shooting at him is making him backtrack his thoughts.

“It’ll be good for you,” his brother reiterates. Sae scoots closer to the edge and plucks the phone out of Rin’s grasp. “Plus, I already told her that you would do it.”

Rin’s eyes widen. “You did what?”

Sae hums, and taps his fingers away at the screen, before handing it back to him with your contact information placed in. “She’s actually on her way over here.”

“I haven’t even—”

Sae throws a hand up. “No, you don’t get a choice, Rin.”

Despite being three years younger than Sae, you had no issues barging into his room, suitcase in hand and hair in a frenzy. Rin is still seated, having to process his brother’s ridiculous request and now having to make himself semi-presentable to you. He also eyes the suitcase because… there’s no way that you’re actually staying with them right?

“Hope the flight here wasn’t too rough,” His brother starts casually.

Your cheeks are puffed out, eyes slightly baggy from the presumably restless flight, and you let out an exasperated sigh. “I hope you know that I didn’t tell coach about any of this.”

“Any of what?” Sae asks slowly. Now Rin is internally panicking.

Your eyes fall on him and they sparkle in recognition for a brief moment before you turn your attention back to his brother. “Um, that I flew all the way from Madrid to Tokyo?”

“I thought you said he approved of it.” Sae looks visibly annoyed.

You give a sheepish shrug and try to smile. “Yeah, I might’ve lied a bit.” It looks like you can’t decide if you want to be embarrassed by this fact or want to burst into tears.

Now it’s Sae’s turn to sigh. “Well, you’re already here so there’s no point. I’ll come up with something if Ego asks.”

You’ve made yourself practically at home within the next hour. Sae had told you that you could transform their home office space into your bedroom for the next several months in preparation for the competition, much to Rin’s protests. Right now, your makeshift living space composes of a shitty air mattress that Rin had in his closet since childhood and one of Sae’s extra pillows and blankets. You still need an actual mattress and a bedframe, and Rin doesn’t know if he wants to suggest the local hardware shop down the street. Because, if he does do that, it’ll mean he’ll be accepting his fate for the next upcoming year.

“Are you guys both hungry for dinner? I can whip up something real quick!” You’re saying this as if you’ve been living with them forever. It throws Rin off but Sae is unphased by your informality.

“Pork katsu curry sounds nice.” Sae muses from the living room couch. He’s streaming a figure skating compilation video from the previous Winter Olympics on the TV while jotting down some notes on his phone. “Why don’t you help her out, Rin?”

“Do I have to?”

“Yeah,” and Sae lifts his eyes away from the screen to give him a knowing look. “You have to.”

Three protein shakes. A pack of half-eaten grapes. And two boxes of forgotten leftovers from god knows how long ago. There’s not much in Rin’s fridge. His parents have been traveling around the world ever since he got back and usually, Rin would just get himself takeout to save some time. When he rummages through his pantry, he almost feels embarrassed by how barren it feels. A box of cup ramen, some curry cubes, and a small bag of rice on the bottom. It would honestly be better just to order takeout than to bother cooking up something less satisfying.

“We should—”

“Let’s go to the store!” Of course, you offer that up. Rin can feel his shoulders immediately tensing when he sees you grabbing your jacket and wallet.

Sae throws him another penetrating gaze and Rin recedes. “Give me a second.” And maybe a drink or two.

You’re the complete opposite of what Rin expected.

Bright, bubbly, and almost downright annoying. It reminds him of how he used to act when he was younger.

The first few minutes of the walk are silent not because Rin doesn’t know what to say but because he doesn’t want to say anything. His mind drifts off to an MMO he’s been currently playing with two of his ‘friends’ that he made during his last competition — if you count only exchanging numbers for the sake of playing games and talking about nothing else. That’s what friends do, right? It’s evening and, if it weren’t for Sae and you, he could be online right now, clearing a dungeon with them. This week is a double drop event and he’s going to miss out on it because you want to buy katsu curry ingredients.

After passing the third block in the neighborhood, you start to see a few local shops and grocery stores lined up down an alleyway. There are more locals around, some are walking their dogs, others sweeping the sides of their house entrances. You decide to take this time to finally talk to him.

“Who’s your favorite skater?” It comes out as a blurt like you’ve been holding it in.

Rin blinks. “What kind of question is that?”

“A normal one,” You pick up a small shopping cart by the entrance and make a beeline towards the produce section. “Plus it can tell you a lot about a person.”

Can it really? “You first then,” Rin tells you.

You answer without much thought, throwing a couple of apples and potatoes into the cart. “Has to be Nathan Chen! He’s super bold and flashy with his programs.” He’s heard of him before, Rin thinks he’s around the same age as his brother.

“Yuzuru Hanyu.” He answers right after.

You make a noise, and Rin assumes it’s a good one by the way you’re smiling. “I can definitely see that, he’s really elegant when he skates.”

The two of you fall silent again but it’s a bit bearable. You finish off by buying pork, onions, and a few soft drinks before heading over to the self-checkout. Rin pays for the entirety of the grocery run since it’s mainly his fault for having an empty fridge. If he had kept up with a healthier lifestyle then maybe he wouldn’t be in this current mess.

Dinner, for all things considered, doesn’t go horribly. It’s been months since Rin has picked up a knife, let alone use his cutting board, and you’re nice enough to show him how to properly score meat. And yeah, he just learned what scoring meant outside of sports. He’s learning a lot today.

Adding apple chunks to the curry really made an immense difference. Tastes a lot sweeter but also comforting. The pork comes out crispy and tender enough for him to easily bite through and practically melts on his tongue. Maybe he should get back into cooking soon.

Sae wipes his mouth before setting down his utensils. “I’ve also taken the liberty to coach you guys too, so don’t let me down.”

You blink. Rin looks like he’s going to drop his fork on his plate. He seems to catch himself though, and for just a moment. Your heads both tip to the side, and there’s a strange moment of eye contact, one where you are nervously glancing at Sae, and Sae is caught in a strange back-and-forth with Rin.

Yeah, Rin is learning more today compared to the average person.

The next day at the ice rink is a surreal experience for Rin. A year ago, when he did skate professionally, he was used to practicing alone or occasionally sharing the rink with a few other skaters, but now there's a new dynamic—a pair dynamic. You and him. The thought alone sends shivers down his spine, and not the good kind.

Sae is sitting on the side, his injured leg propped up on a chair, and he's observing with a critical eye. Rin can feel the pressure, not just from the expectation of his brother, but also from the fact that you're now involved. His comfort zone has been invaded.

“Let's start with some basic warm-up moves,” Sae suggests, and Rin reluctantly nods.

The two of you glide on the ice, trying to synchronize your movements to a random classical tune that his brother placed on shuffle. Claire de Lune—he’s warmed up to this song plenty of times before. It's awkward at first, the pacing and speed is off, and you’re both too tensed to initiate physical contact.

“You need to trust each other,” Sae instructs, his voice echoing in the cold rink.

Rin shoots him a dirty glare. Trust has never been his strong suit, especially not with someone new.

You decide to break the ice, quite literally, by attempting a lift. Rin braces himself as you come at him with speed, and then, in a moment that feels like slow motion, he lifts you off the ground. Success. You're now spinning in the air, and Rin is holding his breath, hoping he doesn't drop you.

“That was good, Rin!” you exclaim when you land back on the ice.

He's slightly out of breath, both from the physical exertion and the anxiety that came with it. “Yeah, great,” he mutters, avoiding eye contact.

After what seems like an eternity, Rin begins to find a rhythm. It's still not perfect, he’s not used to skinship so he can tell his grip around you is either too firm or barely there. Sae’s a rough teacher and quite possibly the king at micromanaging, the two of you bond quietly over the fact. Rin also learns that you’re pretty good at hydroblading and the Biellmann spin. Well, you’re pretty good at a lot of things. He’s surprised that you haven’t tried out for more international competitions prior.

By the end of the day, both of you are exhausted—well, you look fine, it’s more like Rin feels like his quads are about to burn off. This is the most he’s done physically and with his career in the last several months. Sae, with his usual unreadable expression, nods approvingly.

“You’ve got potential,” he comments, and Rin is unsure if it's a compliment or just a statement of fact. “So, what’s the theme?”

Right. They need to figure out that first before deciding on anything else. Rin has always struggled with coming up with themes and settles with essentially the same one every year since he feels comfortable with it. The past years he’s played around with ‘solitude’, ‘dormant’, and ‘night’—and all of his programs contained dark, moody instrumentals that went along with it.

You’re shuffling awkwardly by the benches, fiddling with your gym bag, and raise a hesitant hand. “How do we feel about ‘love’?”

Rin tightens his lips. “Isn’t that kind of vague?”

“Weren’t all of your themes the same?” Sae shoots back and it makes him quiet. “What songs did you have in mind?”

You’re quick to pull out your phone, a playlist pops up with songs that you’ve either wanted to skate or skated to. The song choices aren’t bad, most of them being soundtracks from musicals and pop artists.

“This Love.”

Rin lets out a loud scoff. “Guess you’re into that sappy stuff.” He remembers one of his skating colleagues was floating around the idea of skating to that song when they first jumped into a relationship but decided to shelve it once they found another person.

“It’s a good song,” You say with a huff, to which Rin only rolls his eyes.

“Guys,” Sae claps his hands three times, a signal that Rin recognizes from his earlier childhood days of basically saying ‘shut the fuck up’. “I need you to work together.”

Your index finger jabs into Rin’s ribcage. He manages to hold back every fiber in his body to not yell at you, especially not when Sae is staring right at him. “If you’re going to make a comeback, I think maybe you should get back on social media again to promote!”

“I’ll sleep on it.” He says with a clenched jaw and furrowed brow.

“We’ll see you later back home, gonna do a couple of laps around the neighborhood before we end the night.” You’re lacing up your sneakers while Sae grabs his car keys. Rin assumes his brother is just going to be ‘encouraging you’ from the driver’s seat. Classic big brother move.

“Sure thing,” It’s the tone that says he’s decided. He’s done. End of discussion. Rin just really wants to lay in his bed right now.

As he walks home, Rin mulls over your suggestion and decides to reinstall some of his social media apps. Surprisingly enough, he still remembers his passwords (he definitely does not have the same password for everything, nope) and immediately logs onto Instagram, fighting back the weird twists and turns in his stomach as the app slowly loads.

There are maybe over a hundred notifications in his DMs, most of which are from random strangers giving half-assed ‘advice’ on how he can be a better skater and some messages from people he’s skated against asking how he was doing. He starts from the bottom of his inbox and recognizes a few of their usernames.

itsyoiboi — sent ten months ago are you doing alright? let me know if you need anything

hyo.chigiri — sent nine months ago Just checking up on you. Coach told me that you left.

megugu_skates— sent nine months ago (。┰ω┰。) rinrinrin!! dont tell me ur quitting for good?? =͟͟͞͞ =͟͟͞͞ ﾍ ( ´ Д `)ﾉ (⋟﹏⋞) u have to come back!!

baroushouei — sent eight months ago Hey, get your head out of your ass. We’re all worried about you.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Rin semi-appericates the sentiment but he didn’t ask for it. He doesn’t need any of them checking up on him for the sake of it. None of them were ever close to him so why bother?

He eventually reaches back to the top of his inbox. What Rin didn’t expect was to see a message from you.

yn.is.here — sent a week ago um hi there!! sorry we haven’t officially met before but your brother said you’ll be able to help me compete in skate pairs?? he told me that you’re thinking about coming back this season. sorry if this comes off as weird!

Ugh, of course, his brother would plan this whole thing behind his back. It doesn’t surprise him, and it explains why any of this is happening.

When he finally gets back home, he kicks off his shoes and heads straight to his bedroom. Rin plops and eases his back into the mattress, thumb rummaging through his photo album and trying to find a dumb professional photo to post on his page for stupid promotion purposes. He’s about to pick out an old photo from nearly two years ago when your text notification pops up. You sent over ten attachments—guess Sae took photos and videos from today’s practice run.

Rin shifts through the options before settling on a photo with the two of you in it. You’re both gliding side by side, hands barely touching. He looks scruffy, well he looks scruffy in all of them, the smile he tried to make came out more like a scowl, while you look like a complete natural—what’s new? On top of his skating, Rin needs to work on smiling and his skincare routine next.

Rin uploads the picture with a simple caption, ‘im back’, and turns off his notifications. He’ll worry about the lousy reporters tomorrow morning.

[DISCUSSION THREAD] Rin Itoshi's Icy Resurgence, Unraveling the Mystery Girl, and the Journey Without His Brother by [MOD] Dooby

In the world of figure skating, Rin Itoshi is no stranger to both triumphs and challenges. The seasoned skater, known for his graceful performances and technical prowess, recently made headlines by returning to the ice after a brief hiatus. Taking the place of his brother in the figure skating pairs category, Rin has partnered with the talented and rising star, Y/N, to form an unexpected yet promising duo.

[yurio.fan.cl0b] - 17 minutes ago he’s going to make an embarrassment out of himself AGAIN just go back into hiding [VICChan] - 15 minutes ago Lololol he thinks that piggybacking off another skater it’ll guarantee a gold medal lolol who is even y/n anyway… never heard of her???? [porkkatsu] - 14 minutes ago shes a nobody just like rin *shrugs* [ISAGINUMBERONE] - 12 minutes ago ^ been a rin itoshi fan since day one — i believe that he’ll make a great comeback!! rin if you’re reading this please ignore the haters! [itsJJStyleX0X0] - 9 minutes ago are you actually an idiot? there’s no way that they’re going to take gold, not at the level he’s currently at. compared to his brother, rin’s past performance was sloppy and weak. if he’s going to win gold then he’ll probably end up doping himself [SaeItoshisWIFE] - 7 minutes ago Can we please refrain from spreading rumors like this? Doping is a serious accusation to make…

next rink!

a/n: ok... i meant to keep this in my drafts until i finish it but then i realized it would've been like... way too long with the number of scenes i wanted to write.... so here's some content until the next part bleh >:(( i need to fixate on one project at a time but at the same time i love sharing stuff w you guys haha

#blue lock #bllk #blue lock imagines #bllk x reader #blue lock x reader #itoshi rin #rin itoshi #itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #blue lock x female reader #heavily inspired by yuri on ice duh #rin is katsuki yuri here (kinda)#also posted during the grand prix figure skating comp!!#cw: depression #cw: mental health

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clericofgale · 5 months

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I didn't expect to get fucking actual literal triggered by a godsdamn IGN article and yet here we are.

Gale's arc is about finding the will to live, that suicide isn't the solution, that there's always a better way. You are worthy by your own merits and not your talents or what you can provide. So many Galemancers I've talked to or read of talk about their struggle with depression & SI, self-worth problems and how Gale has really help inspire them to hold on. My mental health has much improved since my darkest days, so I really didn't expect to get so upset.

Chrystal Ding, Lead Writer: On a very human level, you have the guy who starts off annoying everyone, he's constantly asking you to give him your most treasured possessions to eat, otherwise he's in trouble, and at the end, he gives himself for the world.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. If you have a character with depressive characterization and brimming with suicidal ideation tendencies...Don't mix in the 💣 ending framed as a selfless act! That's a call to the void to people walking on the ledge. Gale has literal WillingtoDie flags! It's major yikes all around. At the brain stem Tav is either talking someone who isn't suicidal anymore back into killing himself, or allowing a suicidal person to do it. "Feels like the right ending to me"? Nooooo thank you interviewer.

I actually like the 💣 ending in a tragic "My choices ran out and I failed to save Gale" way. Never ever, will it ever feel the "right" ending.

Asking for help takes COURAGE, especially from someone who isn't used to it. Gale asking you for items is literally because he's in so much pain he can't function anymore. He has no other choice. If asking for help for your pain is selfish, then I don't ever want to not be selfish.

Gale was never annoying to me. If they tried to make Gale the annoying, selfish, asshole who redeems himself in the end. They failed.

I'm mostly mad at the interviewer, to be honest. But oh man the devs didn't help.

I'm hopping off my soapbox now. Thanks to anyone who read it. And yes I did my therapy shit and am calm now.

Oh and remember, there's always another way, and that way is never, ever, EVER the "right" way. Seek and you shall find me.

#gale of waterdeep #gale dekarios #tw sui ideation #cw: depression #bg3 spoilers #IGN #baldur's gate 3

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dreaminginpencil · 1 year

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Found this in my drafts and had forgotten to post it soooo...

This art is based on a twitter thread drabble I wrote about Steve and his soft toy Bunny and growing up in difficult situations and loving people that are sick the best that you can.

It's also posted in full on AO3 if you wanna support me there ❤️

(CW: depression and neglect of a child) Steve’s mom suffered with poor mental health and Steve didn’t understand. Eddie does too, and maybe Steve understands better now.

When Steve was small, his parents’ door was open a crack most of the time, the sweet grown-up scents of perfume and cologne drifting out. Their bedroom was a treasure trove of wonders, their expansive closet full of clothes that swished and slipped over his little fingers, his mom’s dressing table cluttered with ornate glass bottles of perfume, sweet-smelling waxy lipstick, and delicate compacts of powders, her silver-backed beautiful hairbrush. Sometimes his mom even brushed his hair like hers, til it gleamed, shiny and soft.

When the bedroom door was closed, Steve knew to knock first, knew he should probably wait and ask for their time later.

Sometimes though, sometimes his mother would shut the bedroom door and she would not leave the room for days. His father would sleep on the couch, or make excuses and go away on “business”.

There would be no sweet smells of perfume, only dark and silence. His father told him that his mom was sick, to let her rest. Steve didn’t understand why she didn’t want to see him. When he was sick, he wanted cuddles and toast and hot drinks with honey and his Bunny with one ear loved almost all the way off.

Steve would sit outside her door with his Bunny and wait. He would wait and wait and eventually when he was lonely and tired he would knock quietly and creep into her room.

With the heavy damask curtains drawn, it drowned the room in blue shadows, the looming frame of the four poster and it’s mounds of blankets piled up. Steve felt like he was climbing a mountain to find his mom amongst them all.

“Are you sick? Do you want toast?”

He would offer her his Bunny, cuddle close. She did not smell like perfume, just something stale and forgotten.

“Mommy’s tired Stevie.”

Sometimes she wouldn’t speak at all, just touch his hair. Sometimes she would tell him to leave her.

“Go and play Stevie.”

Steve didn’t know how to explain with her there was nobody to play with and that his father had gone away somewhere and he was hoping she would make him macaroni.

Steve learnt to get to the high up pantry shelves for snacks until his father got home, or til his mom stopped feeling tired.

She seemed more than tired, but what did he know?

The older Steve got, the more often his mom was tired. He learnt not to ask anymore, just to lie down with her, to be patient, to be sweet.

He learnt to bring her food, even if she would not eat it, to make her tea and open the curtains up. He learnt to coax her from bed and to her vanity, so he could brush the dark tangle of her hair until it gleamed and fell like silk down her back. He ran her hot baths and always gave her his Bunny.

When his parents started to go away and not come home, Steve wondered who took care of her. If his father still left her alone.

She would sound far far away when he called her. “I’m tired Stevie, we’ll speak soon.” The dial tone felt heavy.

Steve gets tired too, but there is nobody who will come to check on him, so he cannot sleep through it.

Eddie is like his mother was, sometimes.

After the Upside Down, after Vecna, Eddie is dogged by the shadow of consequence. They won, yes, they won, but Eddie is scarred and scared and sometimes he is very tired.

Steve knows how to take care of Eddie when he’s tired.

He can come to Eddie in his quietness, in his tangled unwashed sheets and his dark bedroom and he can offer, piece by piece, the things he knows.

He can kiss Eddie’s clammy forehead, his tangled hair, curl up with him and pay no heed to the mortification of dirty sheets for a while. He can crack the blinds and bring him his painkillers and water and coffee. He can coax Eddie to a shower, washing the sleep and the sadness from his skin. He can change his sheets, trade them for clean soft cotton and comfort.

When Eddie is clean and so tired again, Steve can brush his long hair until it’s free from tangles and falls long and dark down his back.

Sometimes Eddie needs time to be tired, but Steve can care for him still, with quiet affection and patience.

Eddie may need time, sometimes, but he never entirely closes the door to shut Steve out.

#steddie #steddie art #steddie fanart #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve's bunny #stranger things #stranger things art #stranger things fanart #steddie drabble #steddie fic #stranger things fic #steddie fanfic #tw: depression #tw: neglect #cw: depression #cw: neglect #jess writes

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elysia-nsimp · 5 months

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TWST Headcanons!

Hi everyone! This is the second post in the series where I share with y’all my headcanons for the twst characters.

On todays chopping block, the loves of my life, the fuckers that haunt my every waking moment, the Leech twins!

Alright, let’s get started! There’s a lot to cover, so let’s just touch on physical changes right now.

Both of them look less human, YIPPEE

Their ear fins from their eel forms show even in their more human form. (Floyd’s are broader and face outward, while Jade’s are thinner and face upwards)

Their yellow eye is brighter and constantly gives off a dim light (which gets brighter the darker it is around them)

Their lips and eyelids have a soft teal tint to them

The purple under their eyes is just a lighter variant of their dorm uniform makeup.

Both of them carried over the spots from their eel form in the form of teal freckles across their faces.

Floyd paints his nails! Sometimes Jade does as well.

We don’t really know if it’s canon or not, but the twins have pharyngeal jaws in the back of their throats like real life moray eels.

Great! So what does that all mean?

These changes are actually pretty straight-forward.

The twins revel in freaking people out. Floyd especially doesn’t particularly care how human he looks, so the both of them kind of alter how much of their Be Human medication they take to appear more or less human (they are absolutely not supposed to do this but there’s no major repercussions). All of the physical changes are just bits and pieces of their true forms shining through. They can appear more like they do in canon the higher dosage of their Be Human meds they take.

Any new abilities?

Yes, as a matter of fact! Let’s talk about them!

The twins are sirens, not normal merfolk like Azul. When they sing (genuinely), anyone in earshot will feel compelled to move towards them. They both use this just to mess with people.

Both of them can purr as well, as well as a lot of other more animalistic sounds (ex: tongue clicks either when pleased or in Hunting Mode, they’re very different clicks, a deep growl from the backs of their throats, soft chips when content, even a sound kind of like barking etc etc). These are all things they can do no matter what form they take. Also in Hunting Mode (TM), their pupils get thinner.

The twins are hermaphroditic, like regular eels, meaning they can change their sex.

Other things about merfolk culture that should be noted!

They don’t celebrate the same holidays we do. It’s more seasonal than specific days… except birthdays!

Gift giving is seen as a romantic courting ritual. Be careful when giving the twins gifts, because they might immediately assume it’s romantic unless you state otherwise… Floyd especially.

Biting is TYPICALLY an affectionate show from eelmers, especially if they make an effort to not break any skin. Cheek, hair, and hand biting are more platonic, while shoulder and ear biting are more romantic. Biting can also be a playful gesture (Floyd randomly bites Jade's arm when he's bored, for example)

They speak a whole ass other language in the Coral Sea, so the twins are multilingual.

…I’m not gonna say cannibalism is normalized… but……

Elvers (all children really) often huddle together like otters do to avoid floating away from one another. Most of the time, they have to hide in small holes between rocks if they don't have a structurally sound home to stay in.

Backstory

Wait, this wasn’t in my Jamil post! And correct you are, viewer whom I am 100% projecting onto! Jamil’s backstory didn’t change much, but we don’t really… know much about the twins’ backstory. Because of this… let’s just say I did a lot.

To be fair most of it is in relation to Floyd, rather than Jade, as I worked more on Floyd. A friend of mine does way more with Jade than I do, so assume my comments about Jade are references to that friend.

So I’m not gonna say the twins’ family is running a mafia… but….

Anyway, let’s meet their parents, Hitori and Mirai Leech. Hitori sure wants to be a good father, but he’s… not doing well. Mirai is also trying her best, but she’s doing better. The twins do not appreciate their father, but they love their Momma very much. :)

Eels can have clutches of maybe 10,000 eggs, so… imagine how many siblings they had! Many didn’t even hatch, some died after hatching… some may or may not have been eaten, but then, there were the ones that made it to childhood. There were several, really. More than just the twins.

The Leech family had to move often due to NOT mafia reasons, so they were nearly always on the move from one place to another. During their travels, some elvers would wander off and never return, some were hunted by bigger predators, some even gave themselves up so the rest of the family could eat. Everyone was always sad when they lost another, but it became so normal that the twins grew… mostly numb to it.

Once the family was solidified in one place, and… nearly all of the twins siblings were already gone, the elvers could actually start going to school. While Jade was rather solitary, Floyd was… Floyd, really. Always up and moving, clearly undiagnosed auDHD, unable to fully control his emotions, the whole ordeal. His parents got a LOT of notes from teachers and other staff that he was a PROBLEM at school.

This turned into evening arguments, groundings, lectures, all sorts of things. Floyd hated hearing “why can’t you be calm like your brother?” time and time again. He was trying, but it hurt so bad. It got to the point where Floyd tried to run away, like several siblings before him, on SEVERAL occasions. He was always either found days later, or dejectedly came home, hungry and wanting dinner… Jade worried one day Floyd would leave and never come home, but he always came home somehow.

Of course, the twins met Azul in elementary school and forcibly became friends with him then, but really, he was their only friend.

At one point, late elementary, Floyd had enough of all the nagging because of his behaviour. One day, Floyd just went dead silent. No one could get him to talk. Not his parents, not Jade, not Azul. This lasted YEARS. No one could truly figure out why he did this, as he wouldn’t… yknow. Tell them. Now, only notes of concern for Floyd came in from teachers. With each passing week of no noise from Floyd, everyone grew more and more concerned.

In late middle school, maybe a half a year before the NRC acceptance letter came in, Jade was talking to Floyd, hoping he’d get his brother to snap out of his silence, when Floyd suddenly spoke again. All he said was “Jade, I hate myself.”

It turned into a conversation about Floyd’s mistreatment—how he was jealous that Jade was so seemingly perfect, while he couldn’t do anything right, and how their parents had always wished he was more like Jade… Jade expressed similar feelings of inadequacy, which… turned into both of them crying while hugging the other.

Jade asked Floyd to make him a promise. A promise to never hide who he was, even if others didn’t want to accept it. It hurt more to see him force down every part of himself than anything else… Floyd agreed, saying he’d try.

That brings us to their acceptance at NRC, alongside Azul. Floyd needed a few months in their first year to fully recover from his habits, but without familial pressure to hold him back, he opened back up. That brings us to the Floyd we know and love today. Jade is incredibly proud of Floyd’s progress, actually, but he’s still scared that Floyd may disappear one day and he’ll lose it all.

Haha. Abandonment issues from both of them frfr.

Anyway, that’s the basics of the backstory… mostly from Floyd’s perspective (and off the top of my head). I may add more about Jade’s perspective if I REMEMBER more

Other headcanons

Assorted other stuff, as usual~

While both of the twins go by he/him, neither are cis. Floyd is genderfluid, Jade is agender. Floyd is also pan, while Jade is ace. They joke about how Floyd took all the gender and sexuality in the eggs.

These fuckers EXTREMELY AUTISTIC. Both of them. They’re so autistic it’s unbelievable. Actually they’re both ADHD/ADD as well. And depression

Floyd has BPD.

Concept from twistedblunderhand here on Tumblr, but Floyd especially is understimulated on land due to the lack of water pressure! The pressure gives the feeling of a weighted blanket, so it’s easier to reign in focus when underwater.

Their strand of black hair is actually a hair extension made from their mother’s hair. It’s tradition in her family to give a part of yourself, literally, to loved ones so you can always be with them, even when apart.

Floyd swaps sexes during his afab peers’ time of the month “so they don’t have to feel alone” in the all-boys college. Jade also swaps sexes from time to time for a range of reasons. Both of them hate it when the other does that because their scent changes drastically.

Jade keeps a journal of all his siblings who were lost over the years. Every single entry has their name, the age they were lost, and everything he knows or remembers about them, including any happy memories. The journal is one of his most prized possessions.

Floyd absolutely does not take notes in classes. Instead, his notebooks are full of drawings and sketches. He took up drawing to pass time on land!

The twins are used to being showered in gifts from “family friends” they don’t really care about on their birthday.

Floyd's hugs CAN be deadly, but he has a pretty good sense of his own strength. When hugging people he DOESN'T want to crack the spine of, he's very good at not hugging too tight.

Jade collects shiny trinkets :)

Jade has a major case of golden child syndrome in the worst way possible (for him, that is)

Because of needing to huddle together as elvers, both twins are rather cuddly once they've deemed you trustworthy. It's not a shocker for Floyd, but not many people really think of Jade as a cuddly type.

Also, if the twins like you, they may randomly appear to protect you from the most minor things, as something as simple as a limp or a sore wrist could mean death in the Coral Sea. Just know, if they're overprotective of you, it's likely because they (Floyd especially) have trouble distinguishing what's a major threat verses a minor threat on land.

^ Going off of the above, yes they will back off if you ask them too, but it will make them VERY anxious. If you don't like the overprotectiveness, you may have to assure them you're NOT gonna die from tripping over a rock.

And there you go! May edit to add more if I think of more, but until then, enjoy my headcanons of the Leech twins! BTW, I'm absolutely not demeaning any of the morally grey aspects of either character. Those are absolutely still a part of them, but since that doesn't really change with my AU/headcanons, I don't have much to talk about in regards to that.

#cw: death #LOTS OF IT #I’m so sorry #cw: bullying #cw: depression #twst headcanons #twst floyd leech #twst Floyd #twst jade leech #twst Jade #twst leech twins #i adore these silly guys #my blorbos #silly goofies #sick and twisted silly goofies #fucked up and evil even

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mylifeisfruk4ever · 6 months

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Klance Time Loop Au

Lance dies. Sometimes it's the Galra's fault, sometimes it's his own teammates' fault. But even if there are slight differences in how, the blue paladin always dies. And Keith is the only one who remembers. But he only remembers later, when Lance is dying. Keith vows that next time will be different, but he continues to make mistakes, some more unforgivable than others.

On the twelfth loop, on the way back to Earth, Keith accidentally accesses some videos in the Black Lion. Videos made by him, in the previous loops, and a warning: if this time he doesn't save Lance, the paladin's death will be definitive.

@astralscrivener what do you think of it?

#fanfiction #writing prompt #fic writing #voltron #voltron legendary defender #voltron lance #voltron keith #klance #keith kogane #lance mcclain #vld lance #vld klance #time loop #au #cw: death #cw: depression #angst #lance angst #keith x lance

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sharky857 · 1 year

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My dude, my guy, my friend, my pal..

(I swear if this "I'm being dramatic" mindset comes from either parent and/or sibling telling him to "stop being such a drama queen", I'm gonna kidnap him with a new "Friendship Bracelet".)

#stardew valley #sdv #sebastian sdv #stardew sebastian #sebastian stardew valley #stardew valley sebastian #sharky's stunning skills at gaming #cw: depression

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papermint-airplane · 16 days

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Today has been awful. Work is awful. I have literally been on the phone since the minute I sat down at 7am. My throat hurts from talking so much. My head hurts. I've been cussed at, yelled at, called every name in the book. I can feel the depression starting to rise up again. I want to cry but I know if I do I won't stop and I don't want to go home crying again. I am so sick of going home crying. It's almost every day. I feel worthless and stupid. I want to go home and go to bed. I don't want to speak anymore. I don't want to hear another person's voice. I just want to be alone.

#ramblings #nothing makes me feel like shit more than this job #except my parents of course but that's a different situation #cw: depression

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jackie-sugarskull · 6 months

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Musical!Beetlejuice isn't the only iteration of the character who desperately needed a therapist.

Toonjuice is shown to be in just as much need of one.

In "Oh, Brother!", we learn that despite having loving parents (unlike his Musical counterpart), he's had to deal with the backlash of Familial Favoritism. Just about everyone in his extended family prefers his younger brother, Donny. And when Donny stops by for a visit, we see this firsthand, courtesy of his Aunt Lucy and Uncle Victor.

They outright call him their "favorite nephew", and even blatantly say that they've always loved him more than Beetlejuice… all while BJ is still in earshot.

We also see BJ's neighbors quickly grow fond of Donny, which just makes the former's depression even worse.

And when he misinterprets Lydia making a nice comment about Donny as her also preferring his brother over him, this sends him spiraling to the point he winds up in the Down-and-Outback, where he bemoans how it's always been like this ever since Donny was born.

"Donny… always DONNY! The "pretty one", good at board games… always the best. Always the most loved."

And had it not been for Lydia and Donny, the two who care about him the most, he would've done something incredibly drastic.

And that's not even going into his bout of depression and self-loathing in "It's a Wonderful Afterlife".

So yeah, Toonjuice also needs some therapy.

#beetlejuice #beetlejuice cartoon #beetlejuice animated #beetlejuice the animated series #beetlejuice musical #beetlejuice broadway #character analysis #cw: depression #cw: familial favoritism #cw: scapegoat sibling #cw: golden child #cw: self loathing

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doobea · 6 months

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BORN TO MAKE HISTORY ─ RIN ITOSHI

synopsis: After his brother takes a nasty fall and calls out before the new season starts, Rin has to step up as your new figure skating partner.

✰ ✰ ✰જ⁀➴ PLAYLIST.

contents: an ice skating au fic (very much yuri on ice inspired), fem!reader, ice skating terms and irl figures thrown around but not that super important, lmao probably inaccurate depictions of figure skating, sfw, kinda enemies to lovers but its really just rin being anti-social and cold, sae is a decent brother in here, characters are in their early-mid 20s, talks about ISU grand prix, mentions of mental health (depression, anxiety, burn out, imposter syndrome), heavy narration, rin centric, multiple parts will be added but no set scheduling a/n: here's a masterlist to keep everything in check! :3 also yeah... i have too many projects floating around but can you blame me?? ;-; my job right now is to make soft romance series for my favs in bllk (also rin finally made a debut again in the recent chapters duh) also don't mind me im trying out a new masterlist format haha

MASTERLIST - ONGOING | TAGLIST - OPEN

ONE - ICEBREAKER sneak prev: a year has passed since Rin's last professional appearance and he's about to throw it all away until his brother forces him to try again.

TWO - SOLO AND PAIR sneak prev: in order to qualify for the Grand Prix series, you and Rin have to finish first place in your first pair skate competition at the regional championships.

THREE - #KISSANDHUG sneak prev: everything is bigger in Texas. Skate America is around the corner and Rin happens to meet a couple of old faces and old demons.

FOUR - CHINESE FOR DUMMIES sneak prev: his brother is great at a lot of things, including picking up languages and being the sole translator for you and Rin when you guys manage to stumble upon a tarot reader before the Cup of China.

FIVE - KINTSUGI sneak prev: the finale rings to almost a close as you and Rin have to prove to the rest of the ISU that you belong on the rink. Rin reflects on how much his life has changed since meeting you.

#blue lock #bllk #blue lock imagines #bllk x reader #blue lock x reader #itoshi rin #rin itoshi #itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #blue lock x female reader #cw: depression #cw: mental health #blue lock fluff

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andsomemaniacgotridofthewheel · 6 months

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Our Flag Means Death vs. The Magicians

I was not sure whether I should even write something, but the closer the season 2 finale and, hopefully, a 3rd season of OFMD comes, the more nervous I get. So it's gotta come out.

Thing is, I trust David Jenkins. Or, more accurately, I want to trust David Jenkins.

But 4 years and *checks watch* 6 months ago I also trusted the showrunners of "The Magicians".

Because they, too, responded thoughtful and kindly on Twitter to their fandom's worries. They assured us they were aware of how important queer representation was, and that they would handle their show's queer pairing of two main (!) characters with the utmost respect and sensitivity. They said they knew how badly queer people were treated on the media and they did not want to do that in their show. They had done their research, they carefully listened to their fans, and they were different.

A lot of fans were NOT convinced by that and maintained that it would still turn out to be queerbaiting. We others, we trusted. They obviously knew what they were doing!

For those of you who were not around here back then or simply not in the fandom, and who have no idea what I am talking about, let me try to summarise the shitshow what happened.

"The Magicians" was a very original, weird, entertaining and, for 3 seasons and 12 episodes, good urban fantasy show about a group of young, well, magicians. It was based on a book series of the same name by Lev Grossmann.

The main character, Quentin, was canonically struggling with clinical depression. At the beginning of the show he had admitted himself to a mental health clinic, and he was on medication, and his illness was treated as a part of his character throughout the show. And they received a lot of praise for their sensitive, realistic representation of people with depression and their continuing struggle.

Around Quentin there was an ensemble of other main characters. His (male) best friend (Eliot) was gay and played by a gay actor.

Season 1 ended with a drunken decision from Quentin, Eliot and Eliot's (female) best friend (Margot) to have a threesome; which basically ended Quentin's het-relationship (with Alice) that had developed during the season. This was the first indication that the depressed main character Quentin might also be bisexual.

In season 3 there came a mind-blowing episode where Quentin & Eliot spend the entire rest of their lives living together in a cabin in the woods and raising a son, in what turned out to be an alternative timeline. Basically, in order to solve a plot-arc relevant puzzle, they move to the cabin where the puzzle was set, not knowing how long it would take. After a few months together Quentin initiates an affair with Eliot. A little bit later a woman, with whom Quentin then has a child, moves in; a couple of years later she dies, Quentin & Eliot raise the kid together, and when Eliot, the older one, finally dies of old age, leaving Quentin alone behind, the puzzle named "The Beauty of all Life" is finally solved, the timeline reset, and young Quentin & Eliot in the past receive the solution of the puzzle together with the memories of their life together in the other timeline.

It was a beautiful, beautiful episode. Heartbreaking and life-affirming and queer and just wonderful. It also established beyond a doubt that the depressed main character Quentin was definitely bisexual (and polyamorous).

Then, for the whole 4th season, Eliot was separated from the rest of the group and in great danger, while Quentin and the others tried to find and save him. And when Eliot had to do some soul searching, he remembered something the audience never saw from that one season 3 episode, they added a brand new scene: after they both had been stunned into silence by having the memories of a whole other life dropped onto them, just where the original episode had ended, Quentin had actually asked Eliot if they should "just try it", because "who gets proof of concept like that"? And Eliot, scared of the gravity of it and full of abandonment issues, had shot him down. Present Eliot decides then, if he ever sees Quentin again, to stop being scared and just go for a relationship with him.

(On the other side of the plot, Quentin gets more and more desperate and frantic, trying to find Eliot and save his life. He is clearly masking a steadily worsening spiral into a severe mental health crisis.)

It's queerbaiting, said the nay-sayers and skeptics. It will never happen. At the end of season 4, Quentin will get back together with his ex-girlfriend Alice, they're End Game, and Eliot will end up dead alone at the sidelines, undergoing character development through loss, as a gay character should. /s

They thought we were naive, but we thought they weren't paying attention. Two (2!) episodes in two (2!) seasons with the sole purpose to set Queliot up as a couple, in canon. This wasn't subtext, it wasn't queer-coding; it was text, it was spoken aloud, it was named, it was shown. Why would they do that if nothing else would come of it? Also, they had promised us. The gay actor who played Eliot repeatedly stated how proud he was to be on a show where this was happening, he was just as excited as us, he was one of us.

Then the season 4 finale came, and it wasn't exactly queerbait.

It was much, much worse.

I was on Tumblr right after the finale aired, and it was eerie. No episode reactions, no gif-sets, no comments or shitposts or anything. Even the nay-sayers and skeptics couldn't bring themselves to utter the well-deserved "told you so"s to break the stunned silence. All that was missing from the scene were actual tumbleweeds blowing across our dashboards.

Even from the actors of the show who were on twitter, usually very active and involved, came only radio silence. The last tweet for a while came the day before the finale aired. It was a tweet from the POC actor of an unrelated character, who had spend the last season supporting queer fans and assuaging our fears that something bad might happen to Queliot. And this tweet from him simply stated that he had just found out he had filmed a fake finale scene, one that was never intended to be aired, and that it had served its purpose: he had no idea how the season would actually end.*

And here is how it did end: with the clinically depressed and queer main character blowing himself up in order to permanently ban that season's big bad. He had saved Eliot before that, but he didn't get a chance to talk to him, instead he did get a final scene straight out of the suicidal ideation fantasy handbook: after he killed himself, he witnessed his friends, unseen by them, grieving for him and acknowledging how his sacrifice had made all of their lives better in various ways. And no, I'm not making this up.

And it wasn't even the end of the showrunners stupidity, because in an utter display of tone-deafness, they were taking to Twitter celebrating themselves for the progressive (!!!) decision to kill off their White Male Main Character™, to focus more on the POC characters in the show. And, of course, the recently introduced cis-het male white dudebro character, who had started as a guest but somehow kept getting more and more screentime lately.

They had pulled a Bury Your Gays, but With A Vengeance. In only 10 minutes of screentime they had completely destroyed everything that had made their show critically acclaimed, retroactively un-deserving all the praise and recognition they had gotten for good representation of mental illness and the courage to introduce a canon queer relationship between their established main characters.

And they didn't even get it. They honestly expected praise for their "woke" decision to kill of their White Male Main Character™ (they kept repeating it like a mantra), and they reacted like children when they were instead confronted with an epic shitstorm from upset and angry queer and mentally ill fans.**

In hindsight we realised that what had fooled us was them just parroting the right words and phrases back at us. They had no idea what queerbaiting was. They had even less of an idea what a Bury Your Gays was. They didn't know what we meant when we said that queer representation was so important, and that we were worried if they would do it right; and they didn't understand that they themselves were lying when they answered that they would handle the queer representation in their show with care and respect, because they didn't understand what care and respect in relation to queer representation even was. They didn't even realise that his depression alone, and even more so combined with his absolute lack of toxic masculinity, separated Quentin from the usual White Male Main Character Trope they somehow so desperately wanted to fight - and for some reason they didn't even seem to have realised that they (accidentally?) written him as bisexual? (I am still not too clear on how that even could happen.)

And that's where my worry for "Our Flag Means Death" and David Jenkins comes in. Yes, he was publicly flabbergasted when he learned about queerbaiting and how deeply it had traumatized queer fans and destroyed our trust. He publicly noticed, he publicly cared.

But does he really understand?

Even if he knows and understands queerbaiting (now), does he also know what a Bury Your Gays is? Does he understand?

The historical Edward "Blackbeard" Teach died November 1718. The historical Stede "Gentlemen Pirate" Bonnet died a month later, December 1718. That's at the very most less than a year from when our favourite gay pirate couple is now. And yes, David Jenkins makes it a point to screw with history, he does what he wants no matter what. But their death dates are pretty huge. A fixed point in time, if you will.

I want to believe that all the faking of deaths talk is indeed foreshadowing, that they will be officially dead to history, but actually have run off together to open Jeff's Inn by the Sea, with a Bar & Grill and Other Delicacies & Delights, Snake Snackery, Gift Shop and Fishing Gear in the back. That we will get our Happy Ending. That they will get their Happy Ending. No Bury Your Gays. Everyone lives, just this once, everyone lives.

But what if it is a red herring instead of foreshadowing? What if it is supposed to make their eventual deaths even more heartbreaking and tragic? WHAT IF DAVID JENKINS DOESN'T ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT BURY YOUR GAYS? What if he says he does, what if he believes he does, but what if he doesn't actually understand?

What if he just says what he believes we want to hear, without really understanding the reason?

For me personally, that's not even the worst of it.

When "The Magicians" season 4 aired, I had just gone through the worst depressive episode of my life. It was actually the reason I hyper-fixated so strongly on the show and why I had repeatedly binge-watched the first three seasons in a span of only 3 weeks. It was the reason I obsessed over Quentin, the character who was in a place that I was in just months before, I place I had lost and felt I would never reach again, a place that gradually and painfully I did reach again by the end of those weeks. When I had caught up with season 4 and the finale aired, I was actually a lot better. But even then, Quentin's death and the way he died hurt me, confused me, triggered me, set me back. Talking to other fans with the same problems helped. Removing myself from the fandom and not looking at anything Magician's-related for near-on two years helped also.

And I was in luck. Only one month later "Good Omens" was released. I had liked the book, I had looked forward to its adaption, but I was completely unprepared for what Neil Gaiman had done with it. It healed me, it fully filled the void "The Magicians" and Queliot had left inside me, and it made everything better.

In "Our Flag Means Death", Stede is clearly on the autism spectrum. I was bullied at school, just like him, not for being queer, but for "being a fucking weirdo". Because I have ADHD, like Ed. Unlike Ed I don't have the hyperactive kind, but the inattentive kind. I can never tell if someone is sarcastic or sincere. I also have difficulty with and anxiety in social situations, and I have almost never felt accepted by my peers or my family. I am permanently masking. I relate deeply to Stede's belief that he has to change in order to be worthy of love. I also related deeply to Ed's mental health spiral and suicidal ideation in the beginning of season 2. I obsessed for days over the moment when Ed decided to finally let go, only to be saved in the very last moment by love. It felt way too real, way too familiar, and it was so important for me and my state of mind that it ended in hope. They managed to take the trauma and make it cathartic. So even if my genderfluid ass didn't relate better to mlm relationships than to any cishet relationship, relating a whole lot to Stede and only a little less to Ed because of their neurodivergent traits will be enough for their deaths to destroy me. Just like Quentin's death almost had. And I don't even know if there will be a "Good Omens 3" to stop my fall only a month later.

*= with the exception of the actor leaving the show, none of the actors on "The Magicians" knew. They had all been given fake scenes to film. They didn't even know their colleague was leaving them until the day the finale aired.

**= when I had finally distanced myself enough from the show emotionally and wondered if I should maybe watch season 5, it was included in my Prime subscription anyway, I was told not to, because a) apparently the showrunners had written it as a giant FUCK YOU to everyone who was upset by the season 4 finale, and b) because they had done all the characters dirty, but especially fan-favourite (and mine) Eliot, apparently he fared even worse in season 5 than in season 4. But I am glad to be able to at least inform you that season 5 pretty much tanked both critically as well as in viewership, I have never seen a show go from successful and popular to irrelevant and hated so quickly and so completely.

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conkers-thecosy · 4 months

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Current WIP: "Backs to the Wall" Music: "If You Lie Down With Me" - Lana Del Rey Beverage: Spiced Apple Tea Mood: Peaceful

Hullo! First writing update of 2024! 💛

Before we do anything, let's all appreciate my lovely new word count spreadsheet, courtesy of the very clever @lordoftherazzles - Please go drop praise and tribute at her feet, she is a genius!

I won't lie, I've been very burned out recently. I'd hoped to get a lot of writing done over the festive break, but I really only did a very little in the end. I had a pretty bad bout of depression, and it took my legs out from under me somewhat. I haven't been on tumblr much either, and I've honestly lost track of a lot of fics I'm reading, so bear with me while I get all my plates spinning again!

I've doubled my weekly word count goal from 2k to 4k, which I was mostly achieving anyway, but has now been formalised. I'm hoping this will help a bit with maintaining my energy and enthusiasm, as I only need to write 1k four times a week, Mondays to respond to comments (oh lordy, I've been horrible at that lately!), Fridays for a final edit before posting, and a day with no pressure to do anything at all, which is quite lovely!

It's also my hope that this will help me keep the chapters from getting quite so long! If I want to update weekly, and I'm wanting to only write four times a week, this will hopefully help me learn when to split chapters (like I have with this most recent update!).

Anyway, this is long! Hope everyone is doing well, and enjoying the new year! Much love! 💛

#conkers corner #writing update #bttw #backs to the wall #bagginshield fanfic #the hobbit fanfiction #cw: depression

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aplaceinthedark · 3 months

Text

DROWN you OUT

a DROWNED story

Word Count: 2.3k+

CW: religious themes, supernatural themes, LOTS of drowning, depression, brief mention of suicide attempts, blood, murder, cannibalism

Blinded by a fear of feeling, these are the kings we chose. Lost and looking for the meaning, I've been searching high and low.

When we fade into nothing; when we go up in the smoke, we'll beg God for a mercy that he knows we'd never show.

Despite the hot June night, the river water surrounding Joakim felt ice cold.

He didn’t know why this was the first thing he thought of as he feebly struggled against the many sets of hands holding him underwater. He was absolutely panicking, his body fighting instinctively, but the only thing currently going through his head was the temperature of the damn river water. He probably should be more concerned about the people who he thought were his fellow congregates and why they wouldn’t let him come up for air, but he’d been brainwashed into thinking that he deserved this fate.

He’d left his home country of Sweden years ago, coming to the east coast of America, but never quite settling down. He’d gone from state to state, starting up north and making his way down, trying to find a new home, but nothing seemed to stick. He’d never felt accepted for the ways he’d been raised; a mixture of the natural ways with the Christian God.

And then he moved to the Appalachian mountains, where he met The Children of the Revered Father.

A small group of them were passing out flyers one Sunday when Joakim was traveling through. He found himself going to one of their weekly gatherings, since why the hell not? That’s how he found out that these people were exactly what he’d been looking for. Pretty soon, he found himself living in the nearby town, surrounded by who he had thought were kind, loving people. He attended gatherings and workshops two or sometimes three times a week. The Revered Father had become his whole world; like getting swept up in a tidal wave.

But pretty soon, he found that he would experience the crash.

Some of his friends had invited him to a midnight mass sort of thing, to welcome the first throes of summer. He gladly accepted. They mentioned something about baptization, to fully accept everyone into the Family, and Joakim was thrilled. It meant that he was finally being accepted into something here, something he hadn’t felt since he left home all those years ago.

They’d all gone out into the woods after night fell. The entire congregation met up at the deepest hollow, where they had their monthly moonless gatherings. They said the usual words, the usual hymns, the usual rituals. Some drinks were passed around; something stronger than what they usually had, Joakim thought. There was talk of the proceedings, about how the Revered Father would test their faith. Joakim didn’t think of what that would mean if he failed; he was faithful, he wouldn’t fail.

Except he must have. Why else would those he had called friends be holding him under the water for longer than the others? Why else would the murky river water taste foul as his lungs finally caved and forced his mouth open? Why else would the water fill his lungs, making him feel heavier than he actually was?

Through the murkiness of the water and the flurry of limbs, Joakim thought he saw something. He thought he saw a low, red pulse on the shoreline of the river. He thought he saw a pair of matching eyes staring at him, despite a small part of his brain telling him that there should be now way he could see that through all the chaos going on.

Those same eyes told him to sleep, to give in. And despite his body telling him not to, his mind eventually did.

His limbs started freezing up, the heaviness and cold settling into his bones to make them useless. The hands on him started to slowly leave one by one, and for a brief moment he thought about freedom, how he could finally fight his way to the surface, but he couldn’t get his body to cooperate. His clothes weighed him down.

Finally, as he sank to the bottom of the river, the stones digging into his back, he couldn’t help but think of how he had failed his God. As his vision went dark, he felt the rage fill him. There’s no room for salvation, he thought, Now, there’s only room for demons.

And that was how the young human, Joakim Karlsson, died.

On a canvas we stained with blood and painted with our sins, there's a candle melting and it's burning at both ends.

We'll take and take 'til it caves and drowns us in the wax it drips. Like a moth to a flame you never should've fucking lit.

You can give sight to the blind, but you can't force them to see. You could take us back in time, but it wouldn't change a thing.

When Joakim was a child, he was told all about the fairy tales of his homeland. But the one that intrigued him the most was the tale of the näcken.

He was always told to avoid the rivers without his parents nearby, lest he be lured to the bottom of a näcken’s song. It never bothered him much. In fact, when he grew older, he said that he wanted to find one so he himself could learn how to play guitar as well as any supernatural water creature could.

He never expected to become one himself.

Unlike some of the other Hollowed Souls, Joakim had his faculties after the Watcher of the Woods left his body to become overtaken by the curse of the Shenandoah. At first, he didn’t know what to do with himself, and as he wandered up and down the river, he grew to hate everything. Fuck this, fuck that. Fuck this, fuck that. The worst part was that he found out that he couldn’t truly leave the river; not without running water, and certainly not for long periods of time. But eventually, that pain faded away, leaving him more hollow than ever before.

He discovered his curse after he felt such sadness that couldn’t be expressed like before. He could make the motions, but he couldn’t release the emotions and grief and pain. It wasn’t until he began singing that he realized why. It eased the pain, but as people came to the river, he wanted nothing to do with it.

And worse, there was always the voice in the back of his head that compelled him to do it.

CONSUME.

The sadness only grew with every young life he took, whether it was by devouring their flesh or by drowning them, almost like how he was drowned. Their deaths only prolonged his sadness, for now there was no way he could ever see salvation in the afterlife.

He knew this for certain. It was how he discovered that he could no longer die, after all.

Soon, he learned to just become numb to the death that surrounded him. After all, how could he live when he was already dead on the inside?

Luckily, around that time was when he met Nick Folio. To be honest, he wasn’t sure why he let the kid stay around. He was annoying at the best of times, a straight up demon at the worst. But after a while, with no voices or dread filling his head up, he realized that Nick was more of a balm than a hindrance.

Within a year, Joakim had crafted a guitar of his own making. The body was made out of driftwood, the strings made out of various types of hair. He was pretty proud of himself for the craftsmanship. It felt less like an instrument and more like a piece of himself, like an extension of his body. He grew possessive over it, to the point when Nick asked if he could play Freebird on it, Joakim nearly tore off the boy’s arm. Between the two, he felt like he didn't need anything else.

Except he did feel like he still needed more. And it didn't come to him until a year after Nick did.

HELP.

Joakim couldn’t leave the river for long periods of time. He found that after a while the itch to sing and the hunger to play his guitar would grow. To save hikers and campers, he would stay holed up in his little hole tucked into a waterfall. But this voice; this New Voice in his head compelled him to abandon the river to find it.

That’s when Joakim found himself standing in the hollow where the Children of the Revered Father once stood. He froze. Why would the voice bring him here? Was it a new torture for him to endure? He snapped out of it when he felt Nick shift into the Church Grim and started digging at a spot in the middle of the hollow with a whine.

This is crazy, Joakim thought to himself, even though he’d seen enough in the past few years that would prove that thought wrong. Especially when a young man showed up, out of breath, and when he looked up, Joakim watched as his blue-gray eyes shift to a deep green.

“I hope I’m not too late,” he said.

If God came down from his kingdom; He came down from his home, and we asked him if he'd take us back, He would surely tell us no.

If God came down from his kingdom; He came down from his throne, and we asked him if he'd take us back, He would tell us we can't go.

To a rat in a maze the end is where the start begins, but if we made it out I know that we would do it all again.

We live and die in vain like treasure on a sinking ship. All in the name of a God we'd just abandon and forget.

They'd used him.

Joakim had heard Nick's tale about how he'd been treated, but until he met Nicholas and Noah, he hadn't believed that the Children were the same group. But they were, and they used him just to appease their so-called Revered Father, some forest-spirit claiming it was a god.

But it was dead to this plane of existence and another took its place. Noah had given him a choice, unlike the previous Watcher of the Woods. Joakim asked to give him some time, because he still had things to do, before he could make up his mind.

There were some loose ends that needed to be tied up.

With it being Midsummer's Eve, Noah had heard the whisperings of how the Cult of the Black Stag was going to attempt to reform and bring back their “Revered Father,” and it was a perfect opportunity to get their revenge. It was a perfect opportunity to get his revenge.

And he got everything he wished for.

They came to him in waves. Slowly at first, but surely. They would come out of the woods quietly, their faces slack but their eyes wide with fear, and they would slowly shuffle into the water. One by one, they would come closer to him and his music, until their knees disappeared into the water; until their waists, their chests, and their shoulders disappeared. He didn't let them go until their heads were fully submerged.

The ones he didn't recognize Joakim let be swept up into the rapids. Those he hadn’t much care for. Those ones were pulled away and under, their breath stolen from them by the current or by a random rock they hit their heads on.

The ones he did recognize, however: the ones that he had called friends once; the ones who pinned his head below the surface so he would be the Hollowed Vessel. Those he pulled closer to him. When they were surrounding him, he set his guitar on the rock, and then he slipped into the water.

And with a scream to drown out all other sounds around them, the bloodbath began.

Afterwards, when the river no longer ran red and Joakim stepped foot on land, Noah once again asked, “You want to help protect these woods from evil again?”

This time, Joakim had his answer.

And from then on, Joakim Karlsson became known as the Drowned, the nacken of the Shenandoah Rivers.

We're dying everyday. Tell me is it all in vain? Is it worth the suffering? Is it worth the price we paid?

Is it worth it?

Joakim frowns. Is it worth it?

Pausing his fingers, he peeks up at the sky. The morning light was washing the river and woods in pale tones. The same sky he's been seeing the past ten years, it never changed except with the seasons. Another summer solstice had come and gone with no sign of the children returning.

But Joakim could tell that wasn't true. He and Noah have felt something stirring lately. Something felt off with the Woods.

But Jolly kept playing his guitar and singing softly to himself, humming along to the melody he created a couple of days ago.

“If God came down from His kingdom, He came down from His home, and we asked Him if he'd take us back, He would surely tell us no.”

WE'RE ALMOST THERE. NICK'S BRINGING A “FRIEND”, SO FAIR WARNING.

Joakim rolls his eyes at Noah's voice in his head, but acquiesces to Noah's unspoken command. With hardly any movement, Joakim shifts form into something less horrifying than the drowned corpse he normally looks like. It's his skin that he used to have back when he was alive.

It's miniscule, barely even noticeable, but Joakim smiles to himself as he continues playing his guitar.

“WHAT UP JOLLEEEEEE!” he hears Noah calling from behind him. He turns to face his friends.

And he thinks to himself, Yes, it is worth it.

You can give sight to the blind, but you can't force them to see. You could take us back in time, but it wouldn't change a fucking thing.

#bad omens fanfiction #bad omens rpf #bad omens au #jolly karlsson fanfiction #horror au #paranormal au #series: lost in the labyrinth #fic: tales from the grove of secrets #cw: religious themes #cw: supernatural themes #cw: drowning #cw: blood #cw: suicide #cw: cannibalism #cw: depression #cw: death

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