#i dont drink.... i dont want to drink. same goes with smoking or drugs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weebsinstash · 4 months

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Oooh Val's uses his coat wings to hide reader away whenever he gets jealous because someone looked at you.

Do you think he would do that to like some of his workers to make the reader jealous?

GOD this immediately makes me think of him doing something EVEN WORSE ACTUALLY

To make him a little more unhinged and sadistic here, imagine a sadistic yan Valentino who will literally bully you to fucking tears and hurt your feelings on purpose because it 'proves you care about him'.

You and him have an actually sweet mutually respectful moment and he says something specific to you... calls you a new nickname or gives you a really specific compliment, and, it also just really makes you all warm and fuzzy. Or there's a specific way he likes to hold you or nonsexually touch you.

Then you "cross him", you two are arguing, there's several days of you basically all but completely ignoring him, and Val's suddenly making sure to deliberately do that same action or pet name or phrase to someone else RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU and I'm talking you're like, IMMEDIATELY SNAPPING YOUR HEAD IN HIS DIRECTION, and he's already fucking looking at you with this shit eating grin to look at your offended, upset expression

Like sorry can you even fucking imagine he tells you something that makes you feel really special in private and he KNOWS THAT and he compliments someone else the exact same way and you're looking at him literally IN TEARS and he's ENJOYING THAT HE'S MAKING YOU CRY

Just.... setting the scene.... you and him have been drinking, smoking, doing your drugs of choice, whatever, and... it's late at night... you guys are completely alone... and you're just... talking. Talking about your lives, about being in Hell, about experiences you've had, and then Valentino just kinda pokes your arm all coyly smirking/flirting like "It's weird but I feel like I can talk to you like we've known each other forever, like i actually care what you have to say and shit"

And then later on he gets pissed off at you (and it's something stupid like he gets jealous of you talking/bonding with another person) and he says that to some bitch that he like BARELY KNOWS, I would be GASPING CRYING WANTING TO THROW THINGS AT HIM like he could have you sitting there borderline suicidal and he's GRINING WITH GLEE, internally cheering "awwww they DO care about me 🥰 they care what i think about them and they're upset cause they think i dont like them 🥰" like some genuinely evil shit

Like lmao I've talked about "what if Reader became the fourth Vee" but I haven't mentioned "what if when Vox goes to calm down Valentino he also has to go to YOUR tower and comfort YOU because the reason you're both upset is YOU WERE ARGUING" (and maybe Vox takes your side more often because, you're his baby duh and you're newer and you probably have a better head on your shoulders than Val)

Vox is going upstairs, finding Velvette, "so, what kind of mess do I need to help clean up today?"

"The two of them started going at it right inside of my studio! Valentino said some NONSENSE to one of my models and then Vegas went BERSERK! Tore that unlucky bitch to pieces and then launched right at that lush, RIPS OUT a patch of his hair, then HE goes into A RAGE, they were both drunk and THROWING THINGS AT EACH OTHER--"

Like just the mental image of Vox having this dichotomy of, dealing with Valentino having his drunken rages where he wants to resort straight to violence, he's screaming, throwing things, and then Vox goes to YOUR section of the place and you're opposite end of the spectrum, crying, I mean ALSO angry as fuck but in a "Val makes me feel worthless I hate him I hate everyone" kind of way. Vox finds Valentino drinking and wanting to hurt other people and lashing out at his employees and breaking shit, and then he finds you like facedown on a couch in a cloud of smoke and booze, crying about what a pathetic worm you are, why do they even keep you here, you don't belong here, Vox probably hates you too- WHICH HE IMMEDIATELY CORRECTS YOU ON BTW

Vox is out here having to baby and infantilize and SCOLD Valentino to talk him down to a normal level and then to you he's like GENUINELY like "nooooo oh my gosh are you kidding, dont say THAT, you're so cool though 🥺 Val said WHAT, noooOoooo, that's fucked up, I'm sorry, I'll talk to him. You wanna eat cereal and watch anime? I developed a new gacha game for you to play, you wanna play while i watch?" like forreal the favorite is so obvious fkcnckcnfb which is also why it hurts extra hard when VOX loses his cool with YOU because who are you gonna run to, Val or Velvette? Oh you mean the catty narcissistic pimp or the even cattier bully of an influencer? I'd sooner double die.

#yandere hazbin hotel #yandere hellaverse #hh #yandere x reader #sinprompts

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ev3rgreenxtrees · 4 months

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Sweetheart

-M.S

Synopsis: Y/N takes a trip to the coffee shop, and meets a guy. She continues to see this guy at random places, until she decides to learn more about him.

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo x fem!reader

Warnings: cussing, mentions of alcohol & drug usage

Back to: Masterlist

“You sure you dont wanna.. i dunno.. switch it up a bit?” Your best friend, Lena, asks.

“Is this about my coffee order, or the party I won’t go to?” You asked back.

“C’mon, you never go to parties with me!” She groans, causing you to let out a small laugh.

“Yeah, y’know why?” You ask rhetorically. “One, I don’t drink, two, I don’t smoke, and three, I would prefer to not walk in on people fucking.” You roll your eyes as Lena crosses her arms over the table.

“Guess what? One, you don’t have to drink. Two, you don’t have to smoke. Three, just don’t open doors, or knock. Knocking is a life saver.” Lena shoots back, and you sigh.

“I’ll think about it,” You shrug, knowing you’ll probably say no regardless.

Just as Lena goes to finally make your coffee, you hear the loud roar of an engine. You turn your head to the glass windows of the small empty shop, and your eyes wander to a motorcycle, pulling to a stop in the parking lot. A tall man steps off the bike, wearing black baggy pants and a black leather jacket over either a black tee or a black long sleeve.

Lena and you lock eyes, before both of you look over to the door when the bell rings. The man walks in, and slips his helmet off over his head. His brown hair falls in his face, his bright blue eyes lock onto yours.

You quickly advert your attention back to where Lena was, only to find she wasn’t there anymore. Your eyes scanned the room, looking for your friend, only to find her by the register. Duh.

“Hi! What can I get for you today?” She asks brightly, and the male looked towards her.

“Um..” He hummed, taking a quick glance at the menu. “I’ll just take a black coffee, if thats okay?” You cut out the rest of the conversation, just focusing on the boys looks. If you had to guess, he seemed around your age, 20. He had a sharp jawline and accentuated cheekbones. His bright blue eyes peered into Lena’s, and his hair shortish and brown. He was very attractive, you wouldn’t deny that.

“Hey, Y/N! He’s coming to the party tonight!” Lena yelled to you, and you snapped back into reality.

“Hm?” You hummed, your eyebrows furrowing.

“Remember Chris?” She asks you. You nod. “Chris is the one throwing the party. This is Matt, he’s Chris’ brother! He’s coming to the party tonight,” Lena ‘teases’, her eyebrows raising. You sigh, and shrug.

“Fine, Lena, I’ll go to that goddamn party.” You groan, and Lena smiles brightly at you.

Matt flashes you a small smile aswell, raising his coffee to you in a ‘cheers’ motion.

“See ya there.” He nods, before exiting the store.

“Oh my god, he totally wants you!” Lena yells, finally handing you your coffee.

“Lee, he said three words to me.” You rolled your eyes, giving her a ‘shut up’ look.

“Okay, so? He wants you! Dress your best for the party tonight!”

“Lena! It’s not a ball!” You groan annoyed.

“Okay, Okay! Sorry, just.. go start getting ready. I know it takes you forever to get ready.” She gently shoved you over the counter, and you grabbed your drink and made your way to the door.

“You’re giving me a ride there and home!” You demand, and she nods.

➳༻❀✿❀༺➳Hours later

You had finished getting ready. You had decided to wear low rise jeans, and a black sleeveless crop top. You fixed up the last bit of your makeup, before hearing your phone ding.

You lifted it, and saw the notification was from Lena texting you.

Lee🤍

‘im here’

‘okay, im coming’

You tuck your phone and wallet in your pockets, not needing to bring anything else. You head downstairs before leaving your house, and making your way to Lena’s car. You hop in the passenger seat, and Lena squeals.

“You look so hot!” Lena gasped, grabbing your hand. You giggle, before giving her the same compliment. You look out the window of the car, and before you know it, you’re parked on the side of the street. “We might have to walk a ways, theres no where else to park.” Lena smiles, before getting out of her car. You follow quickly behind, and you began walking down the road together.

You neared the house, there were a few people outside, but not many. You walked up the sidewalk and to the door. Lena opened the door, before pulling you into the house behind her.

Your ears were quickly flooded out with music, people holding cheap red solo cups and smoke clouded your vision. Lena pulled you further into the house, before your hand slipped from hers and she was gone. Fuck.

You couldn’t just leave, Lena was your ride, so why not try to stick around for a while? Or at least try to. You pushed yourself through the crowd of people, trying to find a place to sit. There was none.

You decided to make your way upstairs after squeezing through the crowds of people for about twenty minutes. You passed only about three people as you made your way up the steep steps, hoping that there would be much less people upstairs.

You were right, there were fewer people, but there was only rooms up here. You took what Lena said earlier into consideration, knock before you walk into a room. You walked to the farthest room, and knocked softly on the door.

“Come in?” You hear a slightly familiar voice call through the door. You did, and you were met with the boy you saw earlier on his bed.

“Um.. sorry, I can leave if you don’t want me here.. It just got a bit too crowded for me down there so I came up here.” You apologized, but Matt shook his head.

“No, you’re okay. I don’t mind. I was getting kind of lonely anyways.” Matt smiled while sitting up. He patted the bed next to him, inviting you to come sit down. You slowly made your way to the bed next to him, careful to give him enough room. You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, you barely even knew eachother.

You felt anxious, but not just because you were sitting next to a really attractive man in his bed, but because this was the first party you’ve been to in a long while.

“You okay, sweetheart?” Matt asked, causing you to abruptly turn your head towards his, making him chuckle.

“Umm.. yeah?” You asked awkwardly. Sweetheart?

“You just seem worried.” He replied, wrapping his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into him. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Mhm, just not.. used to parties.” You replied, a bit shocked by his actions. Actually, not ‘a bit’ shocked, you were extremely shocked.

“‘Kay. How come I haven’t seen you around before?” He asks. You shrug.

“Dunno.. I guess I don’t go out much? I’m not like Lena.”

“Lena? Is that your friend? The one at the coffee shop?” You nod.

“Black coffee was an interesting choice, by the way.” You giggle, giving the boy a disgusted look.

“It wasn’t for me.” He shrugged.

“Oh, who was it for, if you don’t mind me asking? Girlfriend?” You asked, figuring it was his girlfriend.

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend. It was for my other brother, Nick. We’re triplets.” He chuckled, and the thought of him not having a girlfriend brought you joy, oddly enough.

“Ah.” You replied dully.

“Are you cold? You have goosebumps.” Matt states, and you realize you do have goosebumps. You didn’t even realize.

“Yeah.. Only a little bit though, I’ll be fine.” You reassured him, and he slowly unwrapped his hand from around your body, and stood up. You thought you did something wrong, before he opened his closet.

He pulled out a pastel blue hoodie, something you wouldn’t have pictured him wearing, and he walked back over and handed it to you.

“Here. This should keep you warm.” He smiled, before backing towards the door. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, i’ll be right back.” He winked at you, before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

You took this opportunity to sit up, and slip the hoodie over your head. It was soft, and it had a faint scent of his smell. Something you could get used to.

@bernardenjoyer @lovely-calypso

#matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo #fanfic #christopher sturniolo #fluff #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #angst #smut #matt sturniolo smut

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cognitohazardous · 1 year

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i dont remember if ive posted about it but a while ago weed stopping giving me the racing heart palpitations i got every time i indulged so ive been doing it all the time like i used to.

upside: i can enjoy weed again, which is especially nice when im hanging out with friends and can hit their Real shit as opposed to the legal derivatives i have access to. and a good weed high enhances social situations like that as opposed to being bored and sober

downside: i have 0 impulse control so ive started to do it daily again. and i just bought a vape from a new smoke shop i hadnt ever been to before and it was PRICEY but i felt too deep in to say no lol.

honestly i think ill use this vape and then just stop again cause i dont want to fry my brain even more. im very cognizant and distraught about the negative effect my heavy substance use has had on my brain's functions. i have a lot of trouble remembering words and i cant form sentences a lot cause the words just dont come to me. ive learned to somewhat counter this by being more flexible with the words i use but it still greatly impedes upon me. this also makes it hard to argue in person. i just end up shutting down when i used to be able to formulate arguments pretty quickly.

if you plan on doing drugs use them in moderation and know the potential risks <3 "weed makes you dumber" just sounds like some typical boomer remark but its actually true the shit can fry your brain long-term. (same goes for heavy drinking)

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imayhavebpd · 1 year

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Some context: the rant below may be disturbing, I talk about my relationship that is not going too good at the moment and about my worsening mental health.

Im nb and queer, so is my partner.

Just had the biggest fight with my partner and now he wants to leave me. after 3.5 years. We are both severely mentally ill and he wants to give up on our relationship. He doesnt care anymore, he has been breaking my trust over and over for the past few months. Suspicious relationship with a friend, going to her house, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and staying the night multiple times. He even confessed to sleeping in her bed once because he "felt light headed" . Her calling him in the middle of the night because she needed comfort. Him being ready to drop everything at any given moment to come to her place. He told me that they have been joking about him cheating on me with her since her newest boyfriend is so similar to him. Couple days ago he told me that he has been smoking weed with her, despite it being illegal in the place we live in. Drugs (each and every one) scare me so much and he knows that and still when I told him that I felt betrayed and disturbed he started calling me conservative and close minded. For the record, I dont think there is anything wrong with using any kind of drug, I just wished he would say something before he started doing drugs with her (and now he talks about doing mushrooms because they have a mutual friend who tries to grow them in her house). He likes to bully and tease me, make me feel bad and says that hes just joking. He lied to me in the past and about something very important too. He has been hiding that thing from me for months and we lived together. His parents are walking all over me, abusing both of us, trying to get us kicked out of our flat, despite being very rich they dont support him financially in any way and since he cant or wont find a job it falls on me to take care of finance (that is rent, food, medicine, transportation). I am beyond tired, Im suicidal and he doesnt care. He just doesnt care anymore. My job is literally killing me and I havent quit yet because the only way we can live together is if I have it. I feel betrayed, I feel emotionally cheated on, Im so disappointed that he would break my trust just to smoke weed with that girl and her friends and have fun.

The thing is.

I love him beyond words. I missed him before we knew each other. We are each others first partners, we are just 20 and we met in high school. Im autistic, and I really cant create deep relationships with other people. I dont know why, I just dont feel that way about the vast majority of people. Before I met him I felt lonely for all my life, there were people around me but no one understood me and they never felt like companions to me. We have been through hell together and its not the first time its bad. Almost every time it goes the same way, I want to fight for our relationship and he wants to leave, says that he doesnt love me anymore, that he doesnt feel anything. Now I lay in our bed, he is in the other room and I wait for him to come and talk to me.

He once crawled into our bed besides me and whispered that he could kill me if he wanted to, since he a lot taller and stronger than me. I never thought too much of it, but always it felt kinda weird.

Im not a good person, I told him that I want to kill myself and when he didnt want to talk earlier I asked what would happen if I left and didnt come back. He says that Im emotionally blackmailing him and he probably is right. I dont know, I have let so many things slide with him. I was screaming and crying and begging and he has been packing his stuff and ignoring me. And then I hit him. On his arm, not to hurt him but I know it was wrong. I wanted him to stop ignoring me but what I did is the worst thing I could have done. He said that this is probably the end as Im in his words "in the worst place mentally that I have ever been in". I cried all night, I cant sleep or eat, Im not thirsty, I just want the pain to stop. I want to hurt myself, I want him gone from my life, I want him to love me and care about what he has done to me, I want him to admit that he has ruined our relationship. I dont know who he is, he is a stranger to me but we have been together for all my life. I love him to death, I want to spend my life with him, I never want to see him again. He is still here, he has been taken away by his new friends and soon probably lovers and he has been taken away by himself and what is left I dont recognise.

Ive always invested more in this relationship, allowed hin to cross my boundaries when it made him happy untill I didnt have any left. I accept him, I love him, Im always there for him, he takes things out on me and I just continue to support him. I help him with his art and studies, I paint his nails and help him with anything he wants or needs help with. I allow him to run different psych. tests on me as he needs them for his studies, I give him my time and attention. Still, he is disgusted with my emotions, made me feel dirty by repeately telling me that I stink for over a month (and then admitted that I dont, he just thought it was a funny joke), told me that my anger is evil and pathological and that I should never feel it. He hates my body, hates that I have a human body and that Im not made out of glass and silicone and plastic. He doesnt kiss me on the lips and he finds my afab genitals to be extremly gross.

I lost so much in the past month, Im scared for my life. I lost a job opportunity that would have been perfect for me, and then I lost even more job opportunities. I may have lost my flat, I will probably have to move out untill the end of april. And now I have lost my boyfriend.

I know how it all sounds, but this is a vent and there is much more good than bad, we have loved each other deeply for a long time now.

#rant #personal vent #depresjon #tw bpd vent #tw toxicity #tw mentally ill #mental illness #anxienty #sewer slide

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redrobbingabank · 1 year

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I posted 377 times in 2022

That's 294 more posts than 2021!

41 posts created (11%)

336 posts reblogged (89%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@edjectedly

@valleydean

@batposts

@the-omen-of-tea

@batfamgalore

I tagged 126 of my posts in 2022

#batman - 17 posts

#jason todd - 16 posts

#for future syren - 14 posts

#tim drake - 13 posts

#batfam - 12 posts

#dick grayson - 12 posts

#damian wayne - 8 posts

#robin - 6 posts

#dcu - 5 posts

#damian al ghul - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 112 characters

#i dont know if i worded this right but i saw old pictures of myself in third grade and felt both of these things

My Top Posts in 2022:

Everytime I envision Jason interacting with drug use, I get the impression that he just... doesn’t.

Like yeah, he smokes, but he’s 19 and it’s legal, so that’s fine. He doesn’t care if Dick drinks, same with anyone he knows who’s over 21 as long as they’re safe about it.

But one time he walks in on Tim and Connor smoking weed and he just. Calmly walks over and plucks the joint out of Tim’s hand. They’re both thinking something like oh he probably wants a hit, but Jason just goes, opens the window, and chucks it out. Then he holds out his hand for the rest of it, and Connor hands it over because why hasn’t he spoken why is he so calm. Jason then proceeds to give them the longest lecture of their lives about how using weed isn’t a good coping strategy and if they’re stressed they should get therapy. And then he leaves to chuck the weed.

Once, when Damian was 11, he convinced Bruce to let him have a small glass of wine with his dinner on Christmas. Jason sees it next to his plate, takes it, and pours it down the sink. No glares, no yelling. Dinner then becomes an unofficial TED Talk as Jason educates them all--because he’s fucking smart, and when he lived with his parents he filled his head with everything he could learn about substances and addiction and recovery, and he was heartbroken when he tried to help his mom and she still used because he loved her and knew what to do and why wasn’t it enough?--on how Damian’s brain isn’t fully developed and alcohol could really fuck with him, and how no one there should be drinking before they’re 21 or preferably 25 because that’s when the brain stops developing.

Jason is fine with reasonable, safe, legal substance use, but he’ll freeze hell himself before he lets another family member die to it.

158 notes - Posted June 29, 2022

Can you imagine if the batbros got sent to our dimension?

Like, aside from the whole ‘jesus christ our lives have been recorded there is no privacy’ thing, how would they feel when they saw people’s thoughts on them?

How would Dick feel seeing the oldest siblings who look at him and said, he’s angry, and he deserves to be, and all the younger ones who look up to him and think, I wish I had him for a brother. The kids who imagined he was their family to get through tough times. The ones who asked ‘what would Dick Grayson do’ and decided to be kind.

How would Jason feel when he saw the hundreds who would go to war with Batman for him? The kids who weren’t what their parents envisioned, the ones who were used, the ones considered fuck-ups and troubled children, who yell that he deserved better? If he saw the kids who fought and fell and got back up because the Red Hood would do it too?

How would Tim feel about the gifted children, the neurodivergent ones who went so long without understanding why they were how they were, the ones whose parents never hit them so nothing was wrong, but it’d be nice if they ever even glanced at them? The people who look at him and say he worked so hard and he is valuable, who see.everything that he is and love him all the more for it? The people who will never stop trying because Tim Drake tried, and goddammit they would do him proud.

And Damian? How would he feel if he looked at everyone who was just a kid trying to survive? Who became whatever they had to only to find out later that it wasn’t what the world wanted from them? These people who fight for him to get chance after chance and cry, he deserves to be loved, not shunned for doing what he had to. The ones who love so fiercely and so loyally because Damian deserved a chance and so did these kids.

How would they feel?

167 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

So Jason’s just died. Bruce is back in Gotham, he’s sad and grieving and Dick is in Bludhaven because he left right after the funeral. It’s hard. But Bruce Wayne has to go to a social event. So, with great difficulty, he gets dressed and goes out to a party with all of Gotham’s elite. He’s not being Brucie tonight, though. He doesn’t have energy for it. Instead, he’s just walking around. People who were there described him later as a shadow. If you weren’t looking at him, he just seemed to disappear into the darkness.

But then he hears someone talking about Jason. About that ‘street kid’. It’s a man who looks like he’d try to explain periods to a woman. Expression pleasant, as if he’s discussing the mayoral race, he talks about Jason like he was a piece of dirt on his shoe. He says that the kid was on borrowed time, anyway. That he didn’t deserve Bruce’s kindness. How kind Bruce was, really, for tolerating him.

And Bruce, of course, feels rage. But before he can go himself to fight this guy(and even if he wasn’t Batman, he’d win), there’s a loud shout. A child who looks like he’s ten(even though he’s thirteen) flies out of the crowd.

Bruce’s first thought is that it’s Jason. The black hair, the eyes, the way his face is creased with fury all remind him of his son when he was angry. But it’s not Jason, because Jason is dead, and even if he wasn’t he had about twice the muscle this kid did.

This is Tim Drake, child of Jack and Janet, heir to one of Gotham’s biggest fortunes. He has currently already broken the disrespectful man’s nose and knocked out a tooth. Though Bruce is tempted to let him keep going, he pulls the boy off, trapping him in a bear hug like he did when Jason lost control.

Tim is fighting him, practically spitting. His parents are nowhere to be seen.

“He deserves it!” Tim yells. Tears are running down his face. His eyes, Bruce realizes, are a puffy red that can only come from sleeplessness or crying, both for a long time. “He doesn’t know anything about Jason!”

An interesting thing to say, coming from someone who never even met the kid himself.

Bruce loosens his grip, putting his hands on Tim’s shoulders to coax him around to face him. He gets on one knee, looking into the kid’s eyes.

“Do you want to tell me what you knew about Jason?”

Tim’s eyes go wide with panic mixed with dwindling rage. He’s so tense Bruce is surprised he isn’s shaking. Really, Bruce would expect him to be running. But Tim takes a deep breath. He looks Bruce in the eyes.

“He had magic.”

Ice fills Bruce’s lungs, because jesus this kid knows. Not just the identities. He knows them. He knows Jason’s old belief, one held in mischevious grins and bloody knuckles. He knows them.

“I think we should have a conversation.”

170 notes - Posted September 10, 2022

my batman hyperfixation is gonna be the only reason i graduate high school cause everytime i consider just not doing an assignmen my brain goes ‘jason todd would have loved to go to college you know’ and what am i supposed to do throw away the opportunity jason would have loved fuck no its all for the little nerd now

362 notes - Posted October 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

‘I don’t read fanfic’ what do you mean your main source of joy isn’t watching the same people fall in love over and over again, in every imaginable way, in every possible style, because people saw them and cared so much that they built them world after world in which to love each other?

632 notes - Posted April 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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pansyfemme · 4 years

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im a bit frustrated. (Drugs mention in tags)

#drugs tw #my older sibling keeps making fun of me for not wanting to drink or smoke or do any drugs #i know i sound so lame but it really makes me upset #i havent shamed them for wanting to or told my parents or care if they do drugs or not #but i really dont want to do them and i never have.#My parents both used to be alchoholics and both of them reguarly did drugs and smoked when they were younger #so im at very high risk for addiction. plus my depression is very severe as depression goes so i just. dont want to risk anything.#i’m scary when i get into this mental state and im terrified of loosing control.#i definitly worry about my friends and family when they say they’re doing drugs and i dont think they’re doing it safely #but its the same when my friend peirces their ear or gives themself a stick and poke.#there are ways to be safe with it and i just want them to be safe AND enjoy themselves #and i would never tell anyone unless i thought they were in serious danger #but its frustrating that I get made fun of for having reasons why i don’t want to?#i sound like one of those ‘dont do drugs’ ads i swear but im not trying to #i don’t care what other people do but its kinda sucky when i get pressured and made fun of

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sonderastrology · 3 years

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🌙🌈✨Astrology Notes✨☄️🌟

*Based on things I’ve noticed about different placements as a Leo sun/Virgo moon/Capricorn rising... these notes may not resonate for everyone but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles baby* MADE BY SONDERASTROLOGY

🧿I see the people I’m close with more as their moon sign with a dash of their sun, almost as if the placements were reversed. This is because the moon sign is sort of hidden at first whereas the sun sign is the core energy. When you befriend or love someone, the moon sign (emotions, mental processes) is slowly uncovered and in my opinion, takes over the general energy of the sun. Of course, all signs, houses, and aspects are important... this is just the way I look at it idk.

🧿Everyone needs a best friend with the same rising sign as your moon sign... they just *get* you.

🧿Also having friends with the same mars sign as you is so important! They can hype you up like no other and vice versa.. your vibes just click.

🧿I’ve noticed that people with opposite sun signs but rising signs in the same element take AMAZING pictures together. For example; A Pisces sun w a Leo rising and a Virgo sun w a Sagittarius rising would make eachother look bomb in photos.

🧿Pisces, cancer, Virgo, and libra placements are proned to being stalked and hit on by weird men... I’ve seen it too many times, protect yourselves!!!

🧿People always tell me that they were intimidated by me at first or even “scared”, and that I give off a bitchy vibe. My placements that indicate this?Capricorn rising (Uranus, Neptune, Lilith in 1st house), Leo venus and Virgo moon in my 8th house, Scorpio MC, Scorpio and Pluto in my 11th house. Other placements that can have this effect: Aries, Scorpio, Aquarius, and Earth signs in personal planets/MC/Rising signs. Personal planets aspecting mars, Pluto, saturn, sometimes Neptune, and Lilith. Mars/Aries, Saturn/Capricorn Pluto/Scorpio in the 1st, 2nd, 7th, 10th, 11th house. 8th house placements and Chart Ruler in the 8th, 10th, and maybe 12th house. There’s definitely a whole lot more placements not just these.

🧿Aquarius/Air dominant people (esp mixed with fire) along with an array of other placements I’m sure, have a VERY hard time with forced structure and routine... it brings out their rebellious nature.My best friend from high school is an Aquarius Sun Gemini Moon (with an Aries mars), and she DESPISED going to school for 7 hours a day, she just couldn’t do it. She would skip school all the time and eventually enrolled in night school. Same went for my other friend who was a Sag sun Gemini moon, both of them would act TF out in class. They’d fight with teachers, the principle, other students... and I really believe it was due to the forced schedules and the power dynamic between teachers and students in high school. The Aquarius sun person is my best friend today, and she’s one of the smartest people I know. Just because you weren’t “good” at school does NOT mean you aren’t smart. Fuck the system is an air sign BRAND.

🧿I’ve noticed A LOT of Gemini sun, moon, and rising people have light shades of hair... mostly blonde or dirty blonde.

🧿I’ve met 4 people born on the 28th of the month and all of them are incredibly beautiful... no matter what sign. Same goes for July Leo’s although I’ve noticed that they’re more arrogant and self centered than August Leo’s who are more generous and outgoing

🧿Your Jupiter sign can help you work with law of attraction and manifestation more effectively. If you have Jupiter in an air sign, try manifesting things by; writing it down, saying it out loud, visualization, and meditation. If you have Jupiter in a fire sign; manifest under the sun, write out a plan even if it’s unrealistic. If you want money, hold even a penny or a dollar and act as if it’s the amount you want. Act as if everything you want is already yours. If you have Jupiter in an earth sign; manifest while doing yoga or on a walk. Manifest outside or read/listen to positive affirmations. Jupiter in a water sign; manifest using crystals and rocks with guidance from tarot. Manifest through the arts and hobbies; draw what you want or make a song. Something where you can use your creativity. *All of these methods for manifestation are effective for all of the signs I just think that certain ways can help certain signs more*

🧿Based off of people I’ve met, air risings aren’t as friendly and bubbly as you’d think they’d be when you first meet them. Even their vibe seems nervous and closed off at first; standing with arms crossed, shoulders inward, I dont know just sort of shy. Once they open up a bit more then their weird side comes out and they become more goofy and carefree. I think air signs of all placements struggle deeply with anxiety even though they are often portrayed as outgoing and quirky, which they are but a thin viel covers it. No matter what, air placements keep an open mind and I’ve always felt like I could be myself around them.

🧿Libra placements are known for disliking confrontational disputes but I’ve noticed that these are the same people to whisper nasty things under their breathe when you start to walk away from an argument... they have you whip back around like “do you have something to say?!”

🧿I’ve seen this before and imo it’s true! Signs in the 8th house rule addictions... I saw someone post that having a water sign in the 8th house could indicate addictions to liquid, more specifically; caffeine and alcohol. Being addicted to something is in other words creating a bond with it- water signs are naturally bonded with liquid so it makes sense that their prone to being addicted to them. Water signs occupying the 8th house might always drink water or have water with them. Since the 8th house also rules finances to an extent, most of their money might go to coffee, drinks, beach vacations etc. For fire signs over the 8th house, they could be addicted and/or spend a lot of money on smoking, spicy foods, or anything that gives them a rush; rollercoasters, haunted houses, skydiving or even drugs like esctacy/cocaine... anything that gives them that thrill or lights a match in their stomach. Earth signs in the 8th house may be addicted to physical things; money, work, food, looks,... things that give them value or that call on their senses and ego. They could hoard/collect items such as coins, cars, beauty products, etc., or generational items passed down... due to bonding with things that they can bulid/see/show off overtime. They are very attached to the physical because as an earth sign it feeds their ego and value, like a tree growing in soil. Money could mostly go to eating, gambling, plastic surgery, materialistic stuff. They could be addicted to buying things and selling them for a higher price. Air signs occupying the 8th house could point to spending a lot of money on or being addicted to technology or all things ‘relevant’. These individuals might be addicted to their phones/social media and the attention they get from it. These people are always posting stories throughout the day or online shopping or even just browsing different apps. They’re addicted to getting information via books, the internet, and through talking to other people... oftentimes these individuals are very good at making money through the internet (depending on other placements ofc). They may spend a lot of money on books, new gadgets, music, tattoos and puzzles. These people are addicted to all things new! They have a thirst for knowledge and experiences and will seek it out effectively. 🧿When I look at a person’s birth chart, whatever gender, I especially pay close attention to their Mars sign and house. To me, Mars represents the overall energy and vibe a person gives off and the house placement is where it’s most naturally acted out. For example ; Aries Mars in the 6th house. Aries Mars person would give off a hyper, motivated, impulsive energy. Physically this could manifest as shaking their leg while sitting, quick movements,standing/walking instead of sitting down, gives off a more to the point and carefree attitude (keep in mind all of this is affected by many other aspects and placements in a chart). Being in the 6th house, ruling day to day routine, health, how we act at work, etc., this means that the Aries Mars characteristics are more prominent during work and day to day rituals (quicker to learn, effectively performing daily tasks, gets shit done, or they could get into arguments at work easily, constantly rush around, might be stubborn about seeing a doctor/health professional, might be more prone to getting headaches at work or in general) again, depending on the rest of the chart

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silverrstarrr · 3 years

Text

◇Headcanons of modern AU of Eren.

Warning: weed, drugs, nsfw(this comes when he hit high-school/university)

Primary school-Middle school ‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿‿

• Im sorry but Eren seems like the kid who was musty as hell.

• The kids around him would ask, "who's musty bro?" And then they'll sniff everyone and say its Eren. But I mean, they're only kids and they're not so big on hygiene.

• When people would accused him of being the one who's musty, he'll be so pissed off and get defensive. "what the HELL?! I'm not the one who stinks.😡" just imagine how aggressive he sounds.

• Eren later on realizes he stinks and doesn't want to be made fun- starts putting on deodorant, yk yk.

• In middle school, he was pretty popular but he didn't know it. Despite his little anger issues at times, he's really sweet and outgoing and pleaseee don't get me started on his little smileeee. Most likely girls fell for his smile.

• Most likely he used to the term "the boys 🥶❗🤙" during middle school as well 😭 Especially when like girls wanted to hang out with him or he'll tell his mom this when she wanted him to do something.

• He really liked hanging out with Mikasa and Armin. I feel as if they would go to parks and find things, bugs, watch animals etc. Mikasa would tag along as a supervisor lmao.

OKAY TIME FOR HIGH SCHOOL EREN

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• During his freshman year, he was not popular at all. I feel as if he stayed with Mikasa and Armin a lot- he didn't really talk to a lot of people. Cause yk, freshman new people new things but Jean and the others(I feel like Connie and sasha would be popular for being stupid asf 😭) kinda got them popular

• Later on he gets really popular and a bunch of girls start talking to him. I feel as if he's a flirt but doesn't realize it until he sees you all flustered or smiling a lot.

• Most definitely he started smoking in his Junior year of high school.

• Eren would smoke weed, vape, hit blunts, I don't think he's the type to eat edibles a lot. But maybe there's a test, he'll pop one right before. He would do gravity bings blunts and glass bongs and he would roll his blunts himself and occasionally buy them wrapped.Most people knows he smokes. He's not the best with keeping it down-low, especially when he's smoking with Jean.

• His smoke circle? Most definitely, Jean, Connie, Reiner, Annie, and Armin. Mikasa would just be there yk.

• Eren is greedy with his weed, it depends on the person for him to share. Most likely he'll share with you ;)

• Eren most DEFINITELY flirts with you when he's high, he'll get really close to your face and would be smiling like an idiot- flattering you with compliments.

• Jean finds this annoying and would flirt with you before Eren could(just to piss him off).

• If you're a beginner, he'll purposely give you a fat ass blunt and laugh his ass while he sees you cough for 5 minutes.

• OR he'll give you an edible(that has a high dosage) and watch you complain about it not hitting. "Eren, are you sure this works? I don't rea—" bam it hits and you end up tripping up the stairs while eren is just Busting up laughing cause he's high asf too.

• Maybe you're experienced? Eren would smoke with you alllll the time. Or he'll invite you to smoke with Armin and them.

• He blows smoke in your face.

• He's the type of get horny when he smokes, so he may get touchy with you. But doesn't get any further cause, I mean PEOPLE ARE AROUND?? LOOL.

UNIVERSITY EREN.

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• Still smokes. I forgot to mention this but I dont think Eren is that smart? Don't get me wrong, when he puts his mind to it- work hard, he can get things done and pretty well. But he doesn't get things right on the first try/time like Armin and Mikasa does. He'll need a little bit more explaining to.

• Some how got into the same university with the rest of the gang

• HE GOES TO PARTIESSS, LIKE PARTIESSS.

• He's not a light drinker but I feel as if he'll be too busy making out with girls than putting his lips on a red cup, drinking up.

• Most of the time, he'll approach you if he never seen you before. Or maybe he's seen you once or twice on campus and wants to slide in ykk.

• When you guys meet, most likely he's slightly high.

• You guys hit off automatically, he's just naturally charming and he's attractive.

• Maybe after when you guys get to know each other more, he'll ask to come over to your dorm.

• This can 1 or 2 ways, y'all just have fun or you guys make out and fuck.

• Half of the time when he comes over, he' smoking in your dorm. Of course he asks if he cans but you allow him to.

• As I said before, when he's high- he's hella touchy and horny. So be prepare for him coming up behind you, grabbing your waist and kissing all over your neck. Leaving small hickies here and there.

• He most definitely convinced you to get LD lights.

• Eren thinks it sets the mood and plus he likes it when he smokes(most likely they're on red duhh).

• He also plays music in the back as he's smoking in your room. It's not too loud, you guys are able to hear each other talk at least. (He'll play chill RnB, or chase Atlantic, blackbear, Brent faiyaz, Travis Scott, Don Tolliver. But I see him listening to chase Atlantic mostly. )

• Depends on if you smoke or not, Eren would make out with you with smoke in his mouth. He thinks its hot and it is

• Eren would like for you to sit on his lap, (facing him or not)

• His hand slips under your shirt and start playing with your breasts. In response you start grinding against his cock, which he'll end up moaning in your ear and BOOYYY WOULD THAT GET YOU HYPED UP.

• 9/10 you'll end up topping him because he gets needy.

• When he's coming down from his high, he wants to cuddle with you or have your fingers running through his hair. He'll get bitchy if you stop.

SORRY IF THIS IS SO LONG, I LOVE THIS MAN TOO MUCH.

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Bonus:

• You know how LD lights bring in bugs right? You'll be yelling for him to kill it and he does but what he does next?😭 he'll grab a tissue clean it up the corpse and chase you around with the dead bug.

• for me, I know my ass would run and be yelling for him to stop and most likely he'll mock you: "eren stooopp"

#eren smut #eren x reader #eren jeager x reader #eren headcanons #hobo eren #eren aot #x reader #eren yeager #eren yeager x reader #eren yeager x you #headcanon #fanfic

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huntertherapyeras · 2 years

Note

all -5's please!

thanks for asking anon! before y'all continue reading this, i want to warn y'all that it gets heavy at points, as aster lore often does. i put warnings before each triggering topic followed by dots in case you want to avoid reading those responses! happy learning 💜

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

cans all the way!!! super cold soda cans have the best carbonation... soda bottles go next! i find once you've poured the soda into any sort of cup a lot of the carbonation goes away with it and i dont like that >:(

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

bold of you to assume my dyspraxic ass was good at anything during pe. i have very little upper body strength (even after years of gymnastics conditioning trying to build it up), and i couldn't catch or throw a ball until i was like 15 bc my shoulders like to dislocate whenever i use them djnnfnn. also didnt realize until i was an adult that my eyes have totally different prescriptions so my depth perception was garbage the first 20 years of my life which is probably why my left eye is lazy now 😭

but once high school hit and i was able to do gymnastics for all my pe credits thru my homeschool program i did great! lmao

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

ok i know ayn rand is disgusting but anthem kind of changed my life when i first read it. id never seen a writing style like that before and i honestly think it influenced my own writing style a lot!!!!

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

on my laptop! i cant handwrite anymore after my arm injury and writing was already pretty hard before that bc my fine motor skills.... are not so good. learning to type opened up a whole new world for me, im a pro at it now!

25. first song you remember hearing?

is it super weird if i say "a cruel angel's thesis", the neon genesis evangelion theme song? one of my first memories is hearing that song and watching that anime. i was probably like three? Thats Not For Children Mom. but i mean. i guess i turned out ok (lmao) so its FINE!

30. places that you find sacred?

empty beaches. especially when its a little cold out. the ocean seems to stretch endlessly and you can feel the sand between your toes and everything is so quiet and loud at the same time. and then the sun goes down and the tide rises and you're just a little convinced its gonna swallow you right up. you feel so small.

the louisiana bayou at night. it feels like you shouldn't be there. there are spirits roaming the streets. one day when i being babysat at my mom's friend's house i looked out the window and saw a pair of glowing red eyes. i'm not sure if anyone believed me.

35. average time you fall asleep?

that is a LOADED question lol! my sleeping schedule is so weird bc im just now being treated for bipolar after years of being in denial about it and i have a delayed sleep phase + severe sleep apnea. so uhhh. really depends. but when i just follow what my body wants and don't worry about responsibilities i usually pass out around 3/4 am and wake up around 3-5 pm.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

drugs m, pregnancy loss m

when i was 12 i nearly skipped another grade and went straight to high school instead of grade 8. i would have stuck with it too, but i was being bullied really heavily at my school (partially bc i was considered a prodigy i guess). it was a small alternative school that encouraged weed smoking. i once found a bud on a desk and everyone tried to act like i wouldnt know what it was even though my mom grew weed medically when i was growing up and supplied like. the entire midwest or whatever. but i went along with it because i didn't want to put a target on us. *shrugs* middle school was hard for me lol. i eventually left the school because the principal mentioned my mom's recent miscarriage in front of everyone. between that and the bullying i just couldn't deal anymore i guess.

the school ended up being closed a year later because of shady stuff. my mom and i kinda saw it as karma i guess

sorry! that story is kind of a bummer!

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

ohhhh i think... i think i love science fiction and fantasy equally! especially stuff that weaves the two together, so like science fiction with fantasy elements or fantasy with science fiction explanations! superhero stuff is great too ofc!

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

😳 i dont... remember .... djdnfn my memory is mostly blank spaces tbh..but recently! fandom shitposts i think!

55. favorite fairy tale?

rapunzel hits hard. also the little mermaid.... yeah

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

oh defs slice of life! but like... a slice of life that romanticizes the mundane 💜 there's so much beauty in normal things. ive had such a strange life that i kind of cling to it i think

65. any permanent scars?

a facet of my ehlers danlos syndrome is that i scar easily, and that the scarring is often abnormal and extensive. pretty much every open wound i have ever had has left a scar on me.

the biggest ones i can list: (tw for abuse mentioned, an allusion to self harm (im ok now))

the discoloration on my right foot from stepping into a pot of boiling water when i was an infant

the gouge on my knee when i fell on it walking when i was 4

the eye shaped scar i have on my right hand from touching a lightbulb when i was 8 (idk what i expected lol)

the place where my bone chipped when i fell out of a tree house when i was 11/12

another gouge on the same knee from falling between the tumble track and the floor when i was 13

the four inch long and inch 1/2 wide flat keloid on my left arm that i have from the surgery to repair my broken arm from where they inserted a titanium plate and screws when i was 15 and the inch long keloid i have from where they tried to insert a rod instead (bone was too misshapen, they did surgery too late)

various scars that i dont wanna say where they came from, but im extremely mentally ill so u can probably guess

the keloid i have on my right arm from my mom biting me when i was 17

another burn mark on my right arm from dropping a glass jar of queso hot from the microwave (again, idk what i expected -_-)

70. left or right handed?

left handed! but i can use my right for most thinks since my left never fully regained function. i still hold a needle and write with my left hand but everything else i can now do with my right!

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i mean. i must've been six? i remember my mom kept all my baby teeth in a little unicorn resin jar. i wonder if she still has it 🤔

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

jewel tones!!!! i live for glamour 💕

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology!!!! love fairy tales, but theres just something about things people have Believed in. its so special to me. so sacred.

90. luckiest mistake?

something really scary happened last year and the police got involved. i was determined to not be at fault, but im so lucky that no one got hurt and that the person who could have blamed me was on my side and advocated for me 🥺💜

95. favorite app on your phone?

mmmm probably either Hellsite (affectionate) or picsart. i love picsart so much. MEME EDITING??? ON MY PHONE... immaculate

so sorry this got so heavy at points x.x

#go ask aster #aster.exe

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cracknoir · 3 years

Text

not really headcanons more just pretentious shit i wanted to type out - sometimes it’s good to listen to yourself talk ok

i quite like writing with npc’s because it gives me a chance to like show what jimmy’s like to people he perceives as below him. i always feel like people i interact with get a sort of skewed view of the sort of guy jimmy actually is cos he has time for them, but i also never write with npcs because if i do i end up writing absolute fucking essays

i used to rp deadpool and i think that’s why i just say all the crack stuff i write is canon

this might sound like a dumb thing to say but i have to do things to write. i need to be out exploring and talking to people and it usually inspires me a lot without me noticing. like im not saying i NEED to go on a walk in the woods to start writing but i always find once i’ve done that kind of stuff when i get back i usually have Ideas™. the rule goes that you only ever want to write when you can’t write, for me at least. most of this shit is just daydreams i have at work. that said time’s also the enemy. last night i went out for a walk and by the time i was home i was just too fucked

music plays a big part in what i write but sometimes this fucks me up, sometimes i spend ages looking for the “right song” to write something when really i write just as well when i have like, lofi beats to study to on

ive been thinking about writing more short stories, or vibes as i’ve been calling them. love writing those sort of out of context drabbles that i’ve been doing lately, maybe i could do them about more than just these characters 🤔 🤔 🤔 maybe i’ll write something about my cowboy mans 🤔 🤔 🤔

if i do some short vibes about my cowboy oc with no icons would people like be down for that

scratch that i’m gonna do it and you can’t stop me

i did it and it’s in the queue oops

also this has been in my drafts so long that i’ve just started doing the vibes thing. i hope nobody’s taking it personally but work’s really kicked into gear the past couple days

actual headcanons tho

i recently found out that the mercenary business in america has a large overlap with nazis however i always thought that alex specifically worked with nazis, this said i’d probably never write anything related to that on this blog. i do have a sidestory in my head where jimmy goes down to florida and ends up killing a bunch of nazis but not like, bc of the morals or anything

also this doesn’t bug me at all and i’d never correct anyone bc lbr assassin is a cooler word but assassin relates to political killings usually, if your character kills for money they’re a mercenary BUT ALSO i think mercenary usually has connotations of like military training??? i should reiterate this isn’t an actual gripe i have, but none of my characters are assassins

jimmy won’t go outside to smoke. dont even bother asking him to unless you want trouble.

jimmy’s faked his death ONCE canonically but also maybe as a shitposty joke ye he’s done it like five times. i mean, the best way to celebrate someones birthday is to gaslight them into thinking ur dead

been thinkin bout growin a mullet but same with growing a Big Beard there’s this gross inbetween bit that i’m like nah

jimmy and jack and brad and rasputin are all wildlife mans. the rest are city slickers that wouldn’t last two rotations of the sun without at least 4 bars of signal on their Damn Fone

jack steals lighters and the worst part is you barely even notice him doing it. if he’s been on a night out he’ll wake up with like, 18 different lighters

it’s unclear whether the ufos frankie sees are real, just plains, or if he’s just an attention seeking prick. i don’t think he sees actual aliens but he has a log of ufo encounters he’s had

on the same note, molly loved urban exploring

death loves ice cream, especially bubblegum flavor

yes. satan did lose that fiddling contest. everyone should stop talking about it.

Claude’s killed roughly about 60 people

Molly, Jack, little jake and jimmy will drive around for no reason just doing numerous drugs. sometimes it’s coke but they mostly just smoke weed and once they drove around sniffing mdma

jimmy hates speed but still does it. jack hates ketamine but still does it if offered.

u can tell what jack’s up to by what he offers u when u first walk into his house. if he offers you a coffee, you’ll probably be offered a smoke next, if he offers u a drink, you’ll probably be offered a line next.

also jack bought a fancy coffee maker and makes like caramel coffees nd shit

i really need to cut this shit off this post’s getting too long

consider this shit cut off

shit

cut

off

GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY

#do i have a headcanon tag yet??

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ushiwakaout · 4 years

Text

Lead Singer! Tamaki Amajiki with tattoo artist & lead guitarist S/O || MHA

Genre: Rock Star AU || Fluff || Self-Indulgent angst ||

⚠️ Warnings: Drug Use || Nsfw || Orgy || Mommy kink? ||

Words: 2k+

A/N: very self indulgent bc i love rockstar aus i’ve never seen one of tamaki so here it is!

Gender Neutral Reader

Dude, don’t even get me started

HE SINGS LIKE JESSE THE GUY WHO SING SWEATHER WEATHER AND DADDY ISSUES

Can you imagine his singing devils advocate, holy shit he’d look so good MA’AM PLEASE

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT HE WOULDN’T DRESS LIKE HARRY STYLES

He’s still shy and still has stage fright the first few times but your his lead guitar player (dated before the band was together)

Mirio is on the drums while Nejire is the bass player

It’s so hard not to pounce on him once he gets into his music like wow

ESPECIALLY IF HE SUNG DEVILS ADVOCATE

You guys wear a matching matte black rings and people assume you’re married, y’all never say no so you’re gonna let people assume bc you’re fine with it.

You used to be a tattoo artist so many tattoos Tamaki has or will have, it’s done by you, he won’t want

After every set he’ll either kiss you or your hand, it just depends if you go straight into the next set or not

He sings pretty boy dedicated to you bc if it where all to end, he’d be okay if it was by your side

The fans either ship you or they don’t

It’s a little hard thinking that people don’t think you’re a good match but Tamaki always says that you’re his angel and he’d never fall in love with anyone else bc you’re his soulmate

Some fans ship him with mirio and they both think its funny bc they’ve been best friends since they where kids so they don’t have a problem

But Tamaki does not, DOES NOT like it when they ship him with Nejire. Not that he doesn’t like her bc she, along with mirio, got him out of his comfort zone a lot (in a good way).

He sees the way you’re smile fades when you see a post about their ship, people saying that they look good and all. It’s gotten to a point of wanting to break up with Tamaki just to make a handfull of fans happy

You’d do anything for his music to rise up the ranks, even if it meant losing your relationship

You’ve gone to mirio sobbing about this, it kinda hurt Tamaki that you didn’t go to him but you just couldn’t face him without the reminder of those stupid post

There was one day where a post said “look at the way he looks at her, he looks at her like he’s in love with her.” You looked at the picture for a long time and didn’t even realize the water works

You didn’t really mention it to anybody but when tamaki sang pretty boy, everyone could tell that it had a different feel to it

the set was over and before tamaki could look at you, you had already gone off the stage and ran towards the back locking yourself into the bathroom and kinda just letting it all out

god you hated this feeling, the ache in your chest

Tamaki basically broke into the bathroom and froze when he saw you crying. He was so worry and so angry at the same time.

You both ended up crying on the bathroom floor together proclaiming your love for each other in such a snotty mess that it ended in laughter.

After that incident there was a long thread tweet of Tamaki explaining politely why he doesn’t like when people ship him with someone else other than his s/o or mirio (bc you don’t mind it either) people could tell that he was angry through the tweet and it was a lil scary bc tamaki DOES NOT GET ANGRY

anygays- angst is over, sorry very self-indulgent.

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THIS MAN DOESN’T SMOKE DUE TO ANXIETY

You guys have 21+ concerts bc it’s those type of concerts where u can smoke weed legally and drink

SHOT GUN SMOKE WITH TAMAKI HOT HOT HOT

Tamaki’s a lil high so he does it with mirio too and u end up doing it with nejire (your relationship def gets a lot better after the whole shipping situation bc yall talk about it and nejire ends up outing herself to you guys as a lesbian)

so if you’re a girl, Tamaki will def. tell her to watch herself when it comes to his girl but if you’re a dude- you guys are like oh... cool, good for you.

MMM tourbus sex

YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT AS A BAND YALL DIDN’T DO SOMETHING TOGETHER

you don’t Nejire anywhere near Tamaki tho, def a small cat fight while it happens

TAMAKI GOT REALLY JELOUS WHEN MIRIO KISSED YOU OH MAN

Tamaki def fucked you several times while Mirio was listening bc TAMAKI WANTS HIM TOO KNOW WHO YOU BELONG TOO (cannon amajiki is a bottom and probably a pillow prince but fannon tamaki is a switch but in my head in this au TAMAKI IS A HARDCORE TOP)

Several occasions where you have to sit down during concerts bc tamaki ruined you minutes beforehand

FOR A FUCKING FACT yall do it in the dressing room and he just cums inside you and slips you’re underwear back on minutes before set AND U HAVE NO TIME TO CLEAN YOURSELF SO YOU’RE LIKE FUCK

mmm i love me some dom tamaki

Okay lets get to award shows

B E S T D R E S S E D C O U P L E A W A R D

its something like this: female / male

if y’all win something tamaki will NOT speak, way too many people are looking at him at the moment and he almost died during the pictures.

“some many flashing cameras”

holds your hand tighter and y’all ask to get escorted out

If y’all live together like only you and him, you’re house def is the definition of dark decor

if you guys every do get married, you aren’t getting a live band, everyone thought you did but it turns out it’s you guys in wedding attire- they love it.

Also very small wedding, somehow able to hide it from the pap and its like 50 people or so, mostly friends and like 1/3 family

100% LIKE PEWDIEPIES WEDDING. very very private but very nature/dark decor

do y’all get wedding tattoos. yes. but not matching, not really.

do y’all tattoo each-other at the wedding... yes.

on your ring finger you have a sun and he has the moon.

you are the light that guides his threw the darkness and he is your sun, always lighting up your life you know bc the sun lights up the moon

y’all just love eachother sorry

you don’t break up and y’all don’t expect to

BABIES Fem version

do you still play while pregnant yes

are people surprised, yell yeah

you gotta sit down tho bc your feet are killing you

around the 6 to 9 month mark, the band goes on a break tamaki ends up going solo for a bit during the break and he makes you sing with him AND WOW do you get a larger fanbase bc of it. yes

angelic voice of a pregnant mother

it made tamaki horny, like how the fuck are are you so fucking great at fucking everything please let me fuck you god please

will whine, WILL CALL YOU MOMMY god yes

BABIES Male version.

Yall really wanted to adopt w one baby but the baby you liked had a twin so youre like HOW CAN U TAKE ONE AND NOT THE OTHER

they are twins but ones a boy and one is a girl

god you love them with all your heart

BABIES IN GENERAL (fem version yall have twins too, boy and girl)

they grow up to be band geeks, yall love it but your boy learns piano and the girl ends up playing the guitar (def not the outcome you guys thought it would be but you really dont care)

Let set names Mizuki for a girl, Haru for a boy. (legit beautiful moon and the sun)

Mizuki is very alternative meets fairy academia/ loves plants. probably a baby witch: has the same attitude as Tamaki

Haru is Dark Academia meets city pop / loves record, old gadgets and reading books: very much more like their other parent

If y’all ever retire to just making music at home the kids are def. gonna take the band name and just put “The new gen” after it. You guys make fun of them for being unoriginal and they get pouty

but they had you guys crying the first time they got a gig. they both sing, make music like billie and finneas and y’all just so proud.

when you guys start getting older they will take you to award shows as their date to flex the fact that they are gen celebs who actually made something off of their parent success unlike some people

y’all just flex you’re kid bc they doing so well

just for shits and giggles (kids are like 22 at this point, you guys are like 46) :

Haru would probably get a girl pregnant during a one night stand and end up in a baby daddy situation

Mizuki probably steals Tamakis weeb and smokes it w lavander, you catch her and you’re like.... is it good? mother/father daughter smoke sesh

Haru is like “where’s mom, i need her to run by some notes- are you guys smoking? I’m telling dad.”

“It’s not like you’re dad doesn’t smoke either.”

Haru and Mizuki are like “WHAT?! SINCE WHEN?!”

“Since always... how’d you think he got over his stage fright? It’s not like i could go down on you’re dad every time before a concert to lift his nerves.”

Fake gagging from the two kids.

You guys a def the parents who kinda don’t care about your image but you don’t let your kids go off easy

They are good kids who kept good grades and never got caught while doing trouble- so they are well respected and have liberty to do what they like.

There ends up being an article about your family and the cover is you guys- all of you with your nails painted and eyemakeup

very very controversial interview with strict and non liberals calling you guys bad parents and such

and you guys also talked about the topic about how you cared for your children. explaining that you guys stopped smoking, stopped drinking, kept a healty diet until they where 15. once they became 18 it was a very open enviroment, letting your kids grow the way they want and not suffocating them. not shoving down their beliefs and likes- they grew up the way they wanted to with the care of their parents.

parents kinda hate you ngl, yall too great sksksksk

yall also play the game where they ask you questions and if you don’t answer you have to take a shot

Mizuki: “Oh ew, please don’t answer this question... Have you ever had- *clears throat* have you guys ever had sex while we where in the house

Tamaki gets all red and shoves a shot down your throat and now you don’t get to answer “But I wanted to answer!” Haru is cringing hard and he takes a shot himself “You guys are gross”

Haru asks a question and just HATES IT “Oh god... Okay- Only because I wanna know I’m asking parent number 2 (you’re parent #2) Is the rumor of you guys doing the dirty with your band true. Did you guys have an orgy.”

You start to laugh your ass off but Mizuki and Tamaki are looking at eachother bc they cant believe they’ve done this Haru def is out of his shy bubble and now Mizuki has it

“You want a shot papa?” She asked tamaki, he just nodds and she fills it to the brim, “I think thats enough.” But before he’s able to reach for it, She shoots it down and put another one full for him

“Oh yeah, that’s true. Kinda i guess, it wasn’t really an orgy- It was more like two couples doing it in the same room while doing it but you’re uncle mirio did kiss me.”

Kids: Forever gagging

Tamaki: Forever blushing

You: Ah sweet memories :)

Request are open! You can request anyone from My Hero Academia (low key wont write for tsu or uraraka. Will not write for mineta), Haikyuu, Attack on Titan or Balance Unlimited!

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welcome-to-gaytown · 3 years

Note

all of them

sheesh this was long

The meaning behind my url:

uhh i remember seeing a welcome to hadestown thingy somewhere and i wanted to change my url

A picture of me:

yeah no

How many tattoos i have and what they are:

none :(

Last time i cried and why:

literally an hour ago because uhh parents and crushes and bestfriends

Piercings i have:

both my ears

Favorite band:

none

Biggest turn offs:

Top 5 (insert subject):

Tattoos i want:

okay so theres gonna be one with different types of flowers going from mid calf to mid thigh and also i want a forearm sleeve. i want two daisies on my shoulder and a really big, intricate tattoo on my back that goes upto my neck

Biggest turn ons:

shutting this down

Age:

nope <3

Ideas of a perfect date:

just somewhere where it can be us being us instead of some public facade

Life goal:

getting out of this house

Piercings i want:

a regular nostril piercing and a lip ring

Relationship status:

single ig?

Favorite movie:

dont watch movies

A fact about my life:

it sucks whyd you phrase the question like this

Phobia:

none

Middle name:

mary

Height:

5'3

Are you a virgin?

not doing this

What’s your shoe size?

What’s your sexual orientation?

pan demi

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

i take pills each morning for my syndrome?

Someone you miss:

him

What’s one thing you regret?

letting my mom get this far gone

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

taylor russel

Favorite ice cream? dont have one

One insecurity:

someone will get tired of my life being too shitty and leave me

What my last text message says:

idk i just feel like he doesnt really like me and ig i just feel like we are drifitng of some shit

Have you ever taken a picture naked? no

Have you ever painted your room? yes

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

my sister on her forehead

Have you ever slept naked? yes

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? no

Have you ever had a crush? @my best friends

Have you ever been dumped? no

Have you ever stole money from a friend?

they werent my friends

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

yes

Have you ever snuck out of your house?

kinda

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? @my best friends

Have you ever been arrested?

no but hopefully it doesnt run in our blood

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

nope

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

yep

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

yep

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?

ew no

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

my brother when we stayed up being therapists to each other so we ended up passing out together

Have you ever seen someone die?

Have you ever been on a plane?

yes

Have you ever kissed a picture?

ew no

Have you ever slept in until 3?

pm or am because both

Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now?

yes what is this question make it grammatically correct

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yeah

Have you ever made a snow angel?

Have you ever played dress up?

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

yeah its how id hone my thievery skills

Have you ever been lonely?

always, nothing is enough

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

yep

Have you ever been to a club?

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

Have you ever touched a snake?

kinda

Have you ever ran a red light?

my mom has while i was in the car

Have you ever been suspended from school?

close but no

Have you ever had detention?

yep but i managed to talk my way out of it

Have you ever been in a car accident?

yes

Have you ever hated the way you look?

haha boy if you knew

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

my dad-yes

Have you ever pole danced?

no??

Have you ever been lost?

mentally or physically bc yeah both

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

yep

Have you ever felt like dying?

always

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

crying makes me tired, it helps me go to sleep because most nights i dont sleep until like four am

Have you ever sang karaoke?

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

cut

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

ew no

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

my oldest sister?? we share a bed when she comes home from college

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

nope

Have you ever sang in the shower?

Have you ever made out in a park?

Have you ever dream that you married someone?

Have you ever glued your hand to something?

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked?

Have you ever been a cheerleader?

Have you ever sat on a roof top?

Have you ever brush your teeth?

id be scared of myself if i said no

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?

Have you ever played chicken?

yes

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

yes

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

kinda yeah actually

Have you ever broken a bone?

Have you ever been easily amused?

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

yeah

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

yeah no

Have you ever cheated on a test?

nope

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

my own yeah

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

yeah and he is currently GHOSTING ME AND I AM SAD

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

uhh i sometimes get scared my brother will hit me because my brother, one of my sisters, and i got my dads anger issues and so my brother gets really angry and i just get kinda scared that he'll hit me like dad

#tw abuse #???#ig #asks #aces interactions

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fernlom · 4 years

Text

The Villains of the Thrift Shop

Dig (from Chronicles of Tenaria) Death, Grim Reaper, the Grave. My interpretation of Death. Dig, also known as the Grave Digger is an alcoholic, asshole. Dressed in dirt stained denim overalls and a gray t-shirt with brown square rimmed glasses Dig is older than time and creation itself and has been drinking the entire time. a heartless ass (with a few exceptions) he carries with him his shovel, who’s head is jagged and sharp.

Romano (original creation) He’s got that “crazy guy” look, the wide tooth grin with tired eyes. Wavy pitch black hair, dressed in a fluffy open chested white blouse, black blazer and red rose pin, satin black pants, black suede shoes and two curved blades.

Nitsua (original creation) Two forms, one a human shaped entity of pure purple energy, and the other he’s got curly dark brown/red hair. Dressed in a large galaxy colored overcoat, black button up shirt with a red collar, glowing white tie, black pants with a fire pattern coming from the legs, and red shoes

Roald Dake (TMA fan character. Buried Avatar) Roald always has his shovel and has a variety of abilities. Instant transport to anywhere with dirt or soil, the ability to make rooms or enclosed spaces close in on themselves, and shape shifting thanks to his dirt make up. He’s frequently seen dressed in a short sleeved dirty gray flannel shirt, dirty black pants boots and his shovel

Chance Carter (TMA fan character, serial killer) Chance is an expert in fighting with blades. He’s frequently dressed in blue jeans, a red polo shirt, black sneakers, with brown side swept hair and brown eyes.

Anthony West(TMA fan character, Change avatar) Anthony is African, specifically of Zulu decent. He immigrated from South Africa to London to start his tech company. Anthony is highly intelligent and dangerously ambitious. At his full Change Avatar status he was given cybernetic eyes that constantly change color, his every vein is replaced with wires that can be seen through his dark skin as many rest above his skin, as well as complete ability to travel through computer networks.

Virus (from Chronicles of Tenaria) host to every possible illness, virus, and pathogen known and unknown to all living beings. Dressed in an old green flannel shirt over a olive green t-shirt with a black medic cross, old jeans and shoes. He has complete control over living beings, with the ability to infect them instantly with any disease or illness.

Drip (BATIM fan character, a Henry) African American, resembles a “rubberhose” style black and white cartoon with pie cut eyes, dressed in black overalls, white button up shirt and black bow tie, with many ink tendrils coming from his back. He controls a seemingly infinite supply of ink that he can mold into weapons and items.

The Father (BATIM fan character) "The Father" a corrupted ink version of Fern. upon his head are four masks, one for each side. The front is Bendy, the left Boris, the right Alice, the back Wandering Sin, each mask is missing it's eyes, draped over his inky body is a long trench coat and a pair of pants. He has four arms, each arm holding a item. An axe, a wrench, a syringe, and a scythe. It speaks in four voices, one at a time, or together.

The Three Guardians (from Chronicles of Tenaria) The Forgotten Firefighter: all white entity resembling a Fire Fighter WHOS gas mask is completely filled with smoke and carries a fireman’s axe. The Missing Miner, an all black entity resembling a Cole miner who’s gas mask is filled with soot, carries a pick axe. The Lost Lieutenant, an all green entity who resembles a WW1 US solider WHOS gas mask is filled with yellow gas. Carried a trench shovel.

The Diver (original creation) a mysterious entity in a old metal diving suit, the windows of the helmet always has a ghostly aqua blue glow.

DJ Sm4sh (original creation) He has the power to control sound waves and through music he can cause major destruction.

He’s dressed in a “black light glowing “ white blazer with blue grid lines, matching pants, black shirt, neon blue and neon red light up tie, and a pair of bright neon blue glow in the dark ray bans. His hair is always changing colors, no one knows if it’s magic or if he dyes it, but he’s always got a different color, sometimes it’s many. His pupils are music notes and completely black, but always hidden behind the glasses.

PB and HB (original creation) PB is bald, hispanic man, about...5 foot 10. He's got two scars on each side of his head. he wears a white tank top and blue jeans. Angry guy, he has I handed strength and resilience and is almost impossible to keep down. He has thick chains wrapped around his wrists and fists. HB is about the same size, black and white striped hair, black denim jacket, white t-shirt, black jeans. a scar on the right side of his mouth. Also angry guy with increased strength and resilience and flexibility, has glass shards protruding from his knuckles.

Golgotha (from Chronicles of Tenaria) an assassin with a skill for turning any item into a deadly weapon. Infected with a parasite that causes smoke to constantly come from his mouth and a hunger for flesh he can be spotted usually in a black hoodie, gray jeans and his messy brown hair and green eyes.

Glitch Angel (from Chronicles of Tenaria) a mysterious being resembling an angel, it’s body is made of multi colored glitching pixels. It’s full power is unknown, but it is known as a herald of doom.

Issabel Rosales (mind control. From Chronicles of Tenaria) with long silk black hair, usually in a red cocktail dress and black heals, Issabel is identified quickly by her vibrant purple eyes and her powerful mind control ability.

De Rosa Thelina (scientist, from Chronicles of Tenaria) the former lead scientist of the Group 100 Project, Dr Rosa gained Professor’s String Theory ability. Frequently scene in a white lab coat over a button up blue shirt and blue jeans, and gray tennis shoes. She wears square red rimmed glasses and likes to keep her hair up in a bun, or tied in a pony tail.

Dirty Kyle (original creation) The New God of Party. A reality bender who's powers are completely focused on all things party. Booze, snacks, music and lights. (no drugs, he's very adamant that drugs make parties bad. Except Weed. Sm4sh convinced him that's okay) Kyle is bent on making an eternal party that never ends and uses his powers to try and make it real. He's got short spikey brown hair, dull gray eyes that he occasionally hides behind aviator sunglasses. He wears a mint green polo shirt that stays unbuttoned and its collar popped with a blue and gold letterman jacket with a bottle of beer as it's emblem and tight black skinny jeans.

The Famished (original creation/fear mythos) an unfortunate victim turned monster. A girl of unknown age with long brown hair that goes to the middle of her back and covers her eyes. She has sharp shark like teeth, thick and strong claws, and ferocious strength and speed. Famished was a normal girl who woke up one day with a strange hunger that just wouldn't go away no matter how much she ate, until it drove her insane and she ate the ones she loved, said horrific action changed her into the monster she now is. (IMPORANT NOTE: she is not a representation or analogy for anorexia or any other eating disorder. I'd never make such a character and I dont want anyone to think i take such issues lightly)

Wanna hear about them? Ask.

#thrift shop of infinite wonders #ferns egos

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nikkigrand · 4 years

Text

There’s no easy way to say this, but I’m abandoning all of my works. Everything.

This post is going to be long, honest, triggering and deeply personal. So for those who don’t want to read through all of my bullshit, the gist is that I’m not emotionally or mentally capable of writing anymore.

TW ARE IN PLACE.

If you’ve followed me for a while, then you know that my boyfriend was killed in Afghanistan last year. Since then, my life has been a breathless decline into self destruction. I didn’t know—I still don’t know—how to recover from happily waiting for his return to painfully knowing he never will. I swear that some days I feel like he’s still out there and some day he’ll come home and this will all be just a bad dream. I want to wake up to a reality where he steps off that plane and into my arms, where I don’t keep a crumpled old t shirt that smells more of me than him under my pillow, where the shock of hearing certain songs doesn’t make me throw up. A reality where I don’t have to sit in front of his ashes every time I visit his mother and look at his singed necklace around her neck.

I wanted nothing more than to wake up. Just wake the fuck up and feel alive again because for so long I had felt this choking pain and grief and misery and then nothing.

Everything became an escape, something to fill that void in me. I tried all the healthy things. I ate, I worked out, I ran. I talked to people about how I felt and reached out, but nothing helped. I volunteered, i planted trees and flowers, I channeled my grief into kindness. I tried to take all this pain and turn it into something beautiful, and still I felt nothing. I was falling falling falling into this black pit and was reaching for anything to keep me from hitting the bottom.

So I started chasing highs. The standard shit at first. I drank so much alcohol that I’d wake up in bushes with my friends, limbs tangled in ways that left me sore and stinging for days because who the hell passes out in a Rose bush?

At first, drinking was fucking hell, because no matter how much I drank I’d always end up with my head cradled in the palms of my hands, fingers digging into my scalp as I screamed and wailed and asked why why why why when he was so close to coming home and why was life so goddamn mean??? I’d be in bar bathrooms, just curled in the corner and sobbing like a dramatic princess until my friends carried me out. This happened about a dozen times before it just stopped, because I figured I wasn’t drinking enough if I could remember everything.

So I drank more and more and more and then I realized that it wasn’t making me feel better, it wasn’t doing anything for me.

So I started smoking. Just weed, you know. Nothing too crazy at the time. But all that did was make me hyper-fixate on all of my failures and short comings. It made me hate myself so viscerally, so deeply that I wondered if this is who I truly am at my core. A mean bitch who drinks, smokes, parties. A maneater who fucks these poor kind hearted men to fill that hole her dead man left inside her and still finds herself cold and numb after because it’s not enough. It’s never enough.

I’m sure you know where this is going. But I hated myself. I’m a beautiful girl, I’m not blind, and yet I found myself to be so fucking ugly. So fucking ugly and grey and all I wanted—all I needed—was something to breathe life into me the way life itself did before.

I just wanted to feel happy and normal. Only for a little while. That need was so encompassing it would grip my insides and I’d cry from how much I wanted it, how much I had convinced myself I needed it. It was all I fucking wanted.

So the bumps came. And then the lines. And then whole baggies to myself. And it felt amazing, it was wonderful. The world was alive, things were different. I had more energy, more life in me than I had in months. Then the other type of lines came and it made me feel like I was floating away. There was no pain, no misery, no death hanging over my shoulder to remind me that the strength of your love can’t make people stay.

But soon, that too wasn’t enough. Like every other thing, I felt there was something better, something that could make me feel more. So here is where I tell you about all the pills I popped, all the different colored presses and how each one pulled me out of that hole I was falling into and deposited me above the ground —much higher than I could have ever dreamed of—and filled my grey world with beautiful gorgeous colors.

Then I can tell you about all the tabs I let dissolve on my tongue, or fully swallowed out of impatience, all of the lines of ketamine I combined with ecstasy and acid in one night. The things I saw, the way I felt—it took me far from this dismal life and was addicting. I was chasing something every weekend until it became every other day, chasing some feeling I still can’t name, and I knew that it was ruining me.

My grief and my drugs were killing me, and I knew it. With every cotton mouth, every clenched jaw, every pounding headache, I fucking knew and didn’t care. I’d look at my friends faces and I knew, I knew they loved me and would be devastated if they knew what I was doing, and I still didn’t care. What was life if it felt this empty?

My grades dropped, i turned down a contracting job I wanted for years, I spent all my money on psychedelics and stimulants, and it had gotten to a point where I’d pop a pill while sitting at home just because I didn’t want to be sober and didn’t want to think about how fucked up my life was becoming.

Then one day I was at a concert, high in the clouds with a joint settled comfortably between my lips and frizzy hair piled messily atop my head, when I saw a girl get carried out the venue by medics. She was probably a few years younger than I am, and i remember looking at her face impassively as they pushed through the crowd with her body thrown over this bear of a man’s shoulder as if in slow motion. She was pale and foaming at the mouth, with her arms dangling limply down his back, and she looked dead—she was dead. I knew in that same way you know that the sky is blue when the sun is up, I just knew.

And in that moment—those few seconds it took me to acknowledge that she had most likely overdosed and died—this intense yearning shot through me, so strong that I felt it in the crooks of my fucking elbows, like I wanted to embrace whatever the fuck it was that I desired to live inside me, and this voice cried out, “I wish that were me.”

And you know what, I didn’t even know I had spoken until the guy next to me shoved me in the shoulder and said, “no you don’t.”

And that terrified me. I remember dropping the joint, fumbling it in my shaking fingers, burning myself on the lit end, before handing it off to that same random guy and running off to get some air.

I’m not stupid and I’m not blind. I know I’m depressed, I know I’ve got issues, but I had never said something so suicidal out loud up until that point. I’ve never vocally wished for death and even as I sat there, as I looked out at the people outside the venue huddled together doing whip it’s and killing brain cells, I still wanted to be that poor dead girl on that man’s shoulders.

That was it for me. I remember calling an Uber home on the spot and taking everything I had and flushing it. Im not going to sit here and lie to you and tell you that it was easy. I had convinced myself that I needed these things to make me happy, and i don’t know if I can ever see life the same way after them. The feelings you get off these things are otherworldly, it’s so damn good, but they come at a price. You dont feel the same way you did before you took them, and you never will. You’ll never be who you were before that high, but you can almost convince yourself that it’s worth it. So it was pretty damn hard to take my neon presses, my rocks. my capsules, my bud and my tabs, and flush them down the toilet.

Almost immediately after I did it, I cried. Mostly because i had flushed hundreds of dollars down the fucking toilet, but also because I had become that girl in those cheesy college movies. You know the one, the one where the party girl gets addicted to drugs and goes on a bender and her whole life is just one big goddamn tragedy that won’t end. I hate those fucking movies and I, for the life of me, could not believe I was that girl.

I had been military, straight laced with a good head on my shoulders and a hard worker. I was smart, respected, the girl everyone wanted to bring home to mom. And now I was a hot mess crying in my bathroom because I had just flushed my addiction down the shitter.

Now I’m just home, trying to gather the pieces of myself in a way that doesn’t cause long term damage when I’ve yet to hit my 27th birthday.

I still go out with my friends. They know nothing about what I’ve done because I’ve always gone out and done things alone. This is the first time I’ve ever spilled my guts.

So where does FanFiction come into play in all this. Well, it’s simple, really, if you’ve gotten to this point and picked out all the mistakes in grammar. My brain is so fucked up that I can barely write a passable 3 page essay. I can’t remember words, much less how to string them together to form something beautiful in the way I used to. Trust me, it kills me and I’ve agonized over it for hours. I once tried to take this amazing idea I had and put it to paper but it would just not flow. Nothing made sense. Where before writing was effortless and focused, now my brain could barely concentrate on forming a sentence that didn’t sound like gibberish.

My attention span is so short that I literally have to isolate myself with no internet and my textbooks to get work done. It’s so bad that I have anxiety and panic attacks about the fact that I feel like a whole dumbass with one brain cell, where before I was proud of my intelligence and could hold decent conversation.

I’m still pretty, as if that fucking matters, but now I’ve got a stutter and can’t hold eye contact because my paranoia makes me think they’re judging me. And let me tell you, I’m so fucking pissed about that because I know it’s just my fried brain thinking these things, and there’s no one to blame but myself.

And I still feel empty and numb. How can I write about love and human emotions when I don’t feel anything? How can I write about looking at someone and loving them when the memory of love faded like my lover’s ashes in the wind? I just can’t.

I know love as it whispers against my skin with each interaction between me, friends, even other men, and yet I look at them and feel absolutely nothing.

So Yeah, I can’t write my stories if I can’t get my brain or my heart to work.

I’m really sorry to all my loyal readers. I really am. I wish I had been stronger. Thank you for all of your support throughout the years.

Don’t do drugs.

#trigger warnings #personal

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citialiin · 4 years

Text

LITTLE CHARACTER THINGS

Just a fun little character game. Fill in the below categories with 3-5 things that your character can be identified by. Repost & tag away !

tagged by: @lupichorous ( ˘ ³˘)♥ i love u bun. so much. i went crazy for this meme and wrote way too much for the answers. tagging: @zhrets @gothsic @beiiadonna @talonness and .... you !! idk

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS:

001. Vanity -- like, aren’t you just better than everyone else ? Maybe its a weird delusion of grandeur or maybe you really are hand-selected by the universe to be more than your planet’s limitations (so you relocate !! )

002. Ambition -- you know what you’re capable of, so you don’t let anyone stop you from achieving. luckily for you, you’re good at everything.

003. Envy -- isn’t it frustrating to see human beings waste their potential and squander away all their years of life when you’ve accomplished more than any of them in four itty bitty years on earth ? they take this all for granted and they don’t even know how much worse things could be.

004. Hope -- but more than anything, things can change for the better if you want things hard enough. if you’ve made it this far, surely you have something to offer the planet earth. maybe a message of hope, of acceptance, of empowerment, of tacky glitter eyeshadow.

005. Innovation -- you’re a maverick !! you’re unlike any human -- or atominan -- the galaxy has ever unknown. and you love yourself despite all your oddities. other people ought to know that what makes them different makes them special.

GREETINGS:

001. Getting an expensive red guitar thrust into your hands as a real star walks off stage and ignores you. Be glad he lets you even touch his stuff !!

002. A quaint little kiss on the cheek; people did this in the first country he lived in, and even if they don’t do it that much here, the motion has stuck with him. people find it charmingly foreign.

003. A poised, perfect wave, followed by an almost mechanically perfect handshake, punctuated by exactly whatever a music journalist wants to hear.

004. Stuttering static through a translator not yet used to human words and linguistics -- with enough time and practice, he’ll get a hang of something other than the meekest, quietest ‘ hello. ’

005. A washcloth over his forehead, a stain of human colored pigment wiped clean. The shimmering mark, and undeniable proof of inhumanity, stands as a wordless way of explaining the depths of his trust.

COLOURS:

001. Glowing neon orange. Possibly best paired with a deep navy blue.

002. Mossy green, the very blood in his veins, liquid copper from a planet far away.

003. Glittering gold, like expensive jewelry, like the heel of his favorite black vinyl boots, like the strange mark that is undeniable proof of his star-flung origins.

004. Cherry red, the most inhuman shade of hair imaginable.

005. Chrome white walls, the barest pearly incandescence of a home left abandoned.

SCENTS:

001. The lingering stench of cigarette smoke left on clothes.

002. Alcohol on someone’s breath when they slur their words at you.

003. Hair spray -- enough to make your eyes water, but not enough to keep your ‘do from getting all fucked up on stage.

004. Cleaning products. These actually taste pretty good. You wonder why they make humans sick.

005. Green tea, without sugar. The bitterness settles your stomach when Earth food upsets it.

CLOTHING:

001. some ridiculous latex space suit with red and green stripes and giant flared shoulders, neon, cherry red platforms all the way up to your knees -- you wouldn’t look complete without an equally blinding red guitar and golden gloves, blue eyeshadow streaked across your face. your hoop earrings get a little distracting when they tangle in your hair, but when you obsessively watch your own concert footage, you find you like the way they catch in the stagelights. everything about you is over the top and excessive.

002. a tasteful suit well tailored to your slight figure, but suits are boring, so yours is bright red with a blue and yellow pattern crawling over the fabric, or perhaps a delicate powder blue with a nice red and white tie -- your heels hurt your feet, the enormous, single chandelier earring strains your neck and you can’t eat or drink for fear of ruining your lipstick, but one must suffer for fashion.

003. a mint green shift dress with some groovy pink flowers, with big orange drop earrings and white boots up to your knees -- you aren’t copying twiggy, she’s certainly been copying you.

004. pajamas. the aliens on your boxers are for irony and you’ve never seen that cartoon with the little purple and green square things, but human made perceptions about extraterrestrials are endearing to you. you don’t often dress down, but you can’t live your entire life in designer, even if you’d like to.

005. a black uniform with a high neck. it’s simple, fitted against your form, and the only suggestion of decoration is the little silver badge that designates your occupation. everything about this is built for practicality: silver boots with a low heel and a square toe, cloth gloves to keep you from getting fingerprints on the machines. you’ve got drawers and drawers of this exact same outfit; you’ve worn the same thing every day since you graduated out of your last identical uniform.

OBJECTS:

001. a cherry red guitar perched in a stand. your signature.

002. a silver bracelet. someone you love has its twin, and luckily for you, it goes with every outfit, so you wear it every day.

003. a little tube of concealer, as ghostly olive white as your strange complexion. you wouldn’t go anywhere without it, lest you need to fix your make up, hide your mark, keep your secret.

004. a silver spoon -- it’s an accessory to your worst vice, and despite its harmless appearance, it’s seen you at your lowest point, some mocking reflection of the wash up you’re petrified you’ll become.

005. a strange device that looks like a tablet. the language on it is beyond any humans comprehension and it contains enough data to stump even the most seasoned astronomers -- but you take it for granted, and you’re sick of looking at it.

VICES / BAD HABITS:

001. OVERINDULGENCE, you drink to excess and you smoke a pack and a half a day and you spend money like it grows on trees -- nothing, no luxury, no drug, no material object could ever fulfill the strange little crack you have in your heart, the longing for something that you cannot quite articulate.

002. SELFISHNESS, not just with things -- with the egregious amount of money you have, you’re actually rather generous. once upon a time, this selfishness led you to innovation, to self-expression, to creativity, but now it manifests in the way you treat people, the way you look down on everyone else and deem them expendable, objects for you to use and discard at your leisure. the universe bends to your whims or you throw a righteous tantrum.

003. ENVY, you’ve lived a life few could ever dream of and yet you scowl and stomp your feet that you don’t get what you want -- no matter how much you preach about loving your eccentricities and individuality and the power of the outcast, you wish you were a human, a real one, it eats you alive to think that you’ll never have this one wish granted to you and no matter how much you fake it you’ll always be you, hiding, afraid, unhappy.

004. DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, it’s a frantic ouroborous, how much you’re unhappy with your existence even when you are firmly convinced you are practically earth’s savior, the way you oscillate between hating yourself and loving yourself, the sole prodigal champion of the universe’s unfathomable destiny. before there was rock, humans only had god, and you are giving them a precious gift -- you are better than everyone for a reason.

005. NAIVETY, you -- for all you act like you do -- dont know much about this planet and how insidious it is. perhaps you have a feeling -- the slightest inclination -- but the full depth of just how terribly you’re being ruined by earth’s corruption is lost unto you. you are too easily beguiled and you see things far too plainly, black and white without shades of gray. humans are deceiving, humans are malicious, humans are not to be trusted the way you so eagerly and gleefully trust them.

BODY LANGUAGE:

001. a sneer -- it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? they always seem to take it as a smile no matter how poorly you think of them.

002. a cocked hip and square shoulders -- you didn’t always used to stand like this, but no one likes a timid rockstar, so you’ve learned to aggressively take up as much space as you know is owed to you.

003. calloused fingers across strings -- if you’re gonna talk the talk, you sure walk the walk, and you are objectively one of the most talented musicians this planet has to offer.

004. two-toned irises cast across the room -- you’re easily confused because there’s just so much to learn and understand, and you often play things by ear. so far, you’ve never fallen under too much suspicion, thanks to your quick thinking.

005. a hand creeping over the left side of your breast -- you often forget that that’s where humans keep their hearts, and yours is elsewhere. if you do this often enough, perhaps one day you’ll feel your heartbeat here instead.

AESTHETICS:

001. GLITTER GLAM. less is worse, more is better -- glitter eyeshadow and bright pink lipstick and mile high platform boots, stage shows that verge on theatrical productions and outlandish outfits changed at every song; gender is an accessory, and you discard it and redon it as you please. it’s parody -- it’s plastic -- it’s something else entirely, and it’s just as stupid and tacky as it is high art. you’re a funky psychedelic far out space freak and no one will get on your case for wearing a bell bottoms and a crop top because you’ll put your cigarette out on their hand.

002. MIDCENTURY MOD. you keep things groovy and you like a bit of retro with your futurism -- greens and baby pink and orange and blue, white gogo boots and shift dresses with your baby blue eyeshadow and frosted pink lipstick.

003. B-LIST SCIFI. mr spock’s green blood and little flying saucers and life, jim, but not as we know it. your band is named after war of the worlds and youve internalized humanity’s alien mythos to the point where you’ve replaced your own real, palpable existence with their movies, their novels, their paranormal paranoia. no one would understand that they’re the aliens, to you, and you’re just as petrified of them cutting you open on an operating table as they are of your kind coming to invade the earth.

004. A HINT OF ELDRITCH MACABRE. your blood is an ichorous green, verdant as malachite, and your festering, putrid organs would stump even the most seasoned of scientists -- you are proof of life not as we know it, made in their image but separate in every possible way. harmless as you are, he is not, and your four-eyed paramour from a planet of rot and decay is not as kind as you and your gentle clemency. space is vast -- space is limitless -- humans must look beyond their atmosphere if they are truly to grasp their insignificance in a cold, uncaring universe.

005. THE CHROME-WHITE FUTURE. the future is cold -- progress is aseptic -- science will make the world look like the jetsons. a white-roomed apartment, a bed with no blanket (unnecessary in a perfectly temperature controlled room), black uniforms with perfect silver trim, gestation tanks and pills to supplement limited diets. life is not for pleasure; life is pragmatic.

SONGS / PIECES:

001. the entire ziggy stardust album, duh ── david bowie

002. evening wear ── mindless self indulgence

003. cartoons and vodka ── jinkx monsoon

004. kaun komsott ── ros sereysothea

005. id engager ── of montreal

#hilariously half these answers are written in third person and some of them are inexplicably written in 2nd person #it took me like 2 weeks to do this meme man i dunno #just weird sad ziggy feelings i guess #ooc #KEEP YOUR 'LECTRIC EYE ON ME ; queue

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