#i don't like these but i'm convincing myself i don't care

[sugary-strawberry-shortcake]

The Tortured Poet's Department

lyrics as relationships with various character

anon: hiii! this is my first official post and I'm kinda anxious. This is actually a result of my procrastination regarding my final exam, which I'm kind of stressed about. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this post and please don't mind my writing too much. English isn't my first language (or my second). By the way, a big thank you to @dr-felitas. for helping me with assigning characters.

"And I love you, it's ruining my life" - Fortnight

"You're ruining my life, dear."

He wasn't exactly glaring at you when he saw you wearing that red dress. After he watched you descend the stairs, he felt as though his whole world had stopped. It took him some time to compose himself again and fake a devastated expression. His feelings for you were no joke. Whatever goals and principles he had were all thrown out of the window when he noticed you.

Throughout his life, he thought he was a rational man, not caring about sentimental things like friends, family, or love. Nevertheless, this changed when he experienced your smile for the first time. Like a tornado, you changed his perception of life and the world. At that moment, he thanked God for your entrance into his life and prayed for you to remain there. He would make sure you would be with him, happy and healthy, because that was all he desired in life.

____________

NANAMI (jjk), GOJO (jjk), Choso (jjk), SAE, Chigiri, Nagi, RIN (bllk), LEVI (aot) , Shotou (mha), Reiner (aot), Zoro, Iwazumi, Tsukishima (haikyuu!)

"You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? / I died on the altar waiting for the proof." - So Long, London

He said to keep it under cover. He loved you, but the two of you couldn't tell anyone about your relationship or it would cause unwanted stress. Your man is a superstar, a god, even some might say. Whenever he enters a room, people turn their heads and fawn over him. Every street in the city is plastered with his gorgeous physique.

In comparison to him, you seem ordinary. Too ordinary. Although he had assured you that you were the one for him, the differences between you wouldn't matter to him. So why did you feel so insecure in your relationship? You weren't sure of his feelings after years of being with him. You were unable to read him, to see true expressions of his love.

Year after year, anniversary after anniversary, you still wondered when he would pop the question to prove his love and commit fully to a life with you. Even the media and those close to him began questioning the lack of progress in your relationship. This leads to you confronting him. In the middle of the fight, you broke down. While you were sobbing and begging him to love you, his face remained stoic.

"I do love you, I just can't see myself marrying you."

You left with a broken heart. Waiting for him to change his mind would only waste your time. You regretted loving him for a long time. Through the view of the media, he seemed unaffected by your loss, maybe even happier.

"I do."

Albeit he may regret never putting a ring on your finger when he saw you the first time after your breakup. You were happy on the altar with your husband. A man that wasn't him, but could have been if only he had appreciated you more.

____________

USHIJIMA (haikyuu!), Atsumu, Gojo (jjk) Getou (jjk), Megumi (jjk), Rin, Michael (bllk), Hawks (mha)

"They shake their heads, saying 'God, help her' when I tell 'em he's my man" - I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

"He isn't right for you."

Your parents didn't approve of him. Actually, no one in your circle did. They all deemed him too reckless and ruthless, without any convincing achievements in his life. In their eyes, he wasn't worthy of you and your love.

Their worries weren't unfounded, to be honest; they were reasonable. He was the epitome of a walking red flag: a raging alcoholic with a history of illegal records. His temper and frequent visits to the pub often led to fights. But he promised to tone down the aggression whenever you patched up his wounds.

"You make me a better man. I love you."

Nevertheless, all his imperfections didn't matter to you, not when he held you in bed and promised to always cherish you. According to him, you were calming his raging soul and bringing out the best in him. You were the shining light in his life, and he was the healthy amount of darkness in yours.

No matter what the people around you both said, you couldn't imagine yourself having a happy life without him. You were adamant about fixing his flaws, even if it meant drowning yourself in the process.

_________________

TOJI (jjk), SUKUNA (jjk), UVOGIN (hxh), PHINKS (hxh), Sasuke (naruto), Dabi, Katsuki (mha), Eren (aot), NAYOA (jjk),

"And it kills me. I just don't understand how you don't miss me."- The Black Dog

Just a few weeks ago, the two of you were dining together. He was laughing at your sweet antics and grimaces as you struggled with the chopsticks, and you were enjoying being the reason for his happiness. Then the atmosphere changed when the waiter made a slightly flirty comment towards you. This sparked an argument between the two of you. He accused you of flirting back, and you declared him delusional. In the heat of the moment, he packed his belongings and left the apartment. And he never came back.

The heartbreak hit you a few days later when you realized he wasn't coming back. You were miserable, laying in bed, crying, stuffing your mouth full of ice cream, and watching your comfort shows. It was as if a part of your happiness had left with him. Only when your friends forced you to dress up and dragged you to the nearest club did you feel like living again.

Your smile dropped when you saw him. He was sitting at the bar with a woman on his lap. His hands were on her barely covered thighs, and her lips were pressing on his neck. Your heart sank, and all the noise around you seemed muted.

"Only three weeks after you both broke up? What an ass!"

Your friends tried to comfort you as you could only nod. Why was it that you were suffering without him while he seemed to feel no pain? This caused you to doubt your former relationship. Had he ever really loved you as you did him? Or were you the one who always loved him more? You couldn't bear the sight any longer when you heard his raspy laugh, a laugh he only had with you. With a quick goodbye, you stormed outside as fast as you could.

Unbeknownst to you, he watched longingly as you left the bar.

_________________________

SUKUNA (jjk), TOJI (jjk), Oikawa (haikyuu!), Hisoka (hxh), Michael (bllk), Oliver, Sae, Katsuki (mha),

"You know how to ball, I know Aristotle"- So High School

Both of you couldn't be any more contrasting. You are the shy girl who loves to hide behind her novels but still excels at the top of her class. He was the cocky, loud football champion of the school. No one would have ever thought to see you interact, but this changed when you were assigned to tutor him.

How could he stop himself from falling for you when you were so endearing? Blushing whenever he complimented you and laughing at his jokes. Not long after your study sessions, he confessed his feelings and asked you to be his girlfriend. To no one's surprise, you agreed.

"Will you watch me during my practice?"

He grinned at you with a cocky smile. Or maybe it wasn't cocky; it could also be considered charming in your eyes. He loved seeing you sitting on the bleachers, reading your book and looking adorable doing it. And you loved being there, watching him during his passion and supporting him in your own introverted way.

Yet he supported you too. Whenever you were nervous before an upcoming exam, he would encourage you while also making sure you took care of yourself. He would boast about your relationship and you in front of everyone he knew and met. If someone dared to comment on you or your relationship negatively, he would confront them and make them regret their words.

"You're my smart girl."

No one would have thought the two of you could be such a match, but seeing the two of you together was proof enough that opposites attract and complement each other.

_____________________

Bokuto (haikyuu!!) , REO (bllk), YUJI (jjk), GOJO (jjk), GON (hxh), Rin (bllk), Michael (bllk), Deku (mha), PERCY JACKSON (pjo), Ace, HINATA (haikyuu!), Kuroo (haikyuu!) , Luffy

#one piece #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu gojo #aot yandere #jjk fluff #blue lock #hxh #angst with a happy ending #light angst #jjk angst #angst #taylor swift #viral #jjk x reader #gojo satoru #jjk x y/n #bsd #dazai osamu #jjk smut #nanami kento #percy jackson #pjo #criminal minds #the tortured poets department #gojo x reader #gojo fluff #gojo angst #nanami fluff #toji fushiguro

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 5/14/2024

googled "sample bon mot" in a fit of desperation, considered asking chatgpt to generate me some for 0.2 seconds before the visceral BLEUGH reaction plus remembered that every query is like pouring a 16oz water bottle out on the ground, and figured this series of events would be a better intro than anything else i could come up with

listening

miya folick's Pet Body was off last week's spotify rec playlist. i had liked some individual songs by miya folick (singer/songwriter/alt/indie/dance/electronica) but now i gotta really dive into her discography-- this particular very peppy and upbeat song with dire lyrics is really clicking with me lately as my body overreacts to texas pollen and engages in other known misbehaviors.

the chorus, my god

Proper care and feeding for my pet body

and this verse

I'm just a brain with a pet body Out for a walk until I croak I'm just an ordinary subject In an ordinary book

as my mother used to say, i'm real fuckin sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!

-

reading

ough i need to vacuum. i picked up Mrs Vargas and the Dead Naturalist by Kathleen Alcalá for a dollar last summer bc 0) killer title 1) it was a dollar 2) cool cover 3) autographed 4) endorsed by le guin.

kind of fascinating as an object: weird little lesbian (?) boutique press that's still around, idk ive ever seen a notice about steps they took to ensure the longevity of the physical book before?

i find myself bouncing off latin and south american magical realism a lot bc i am not in those authors’ intended audiences/i do not have the background to fully appreciate them. i have a bachelors of science. and that’s fine bc that’s the point! this is one of the very few times post-college where i caught myself thinking “man i gotta find a class to take about this”.

even if i do not understand the wider cultural context or the real-life figures she obliquely references in many of these short stories (i am convinced the bird-voiced singer is based on a real singer), i do appreciate alcalá’s craft: true short stories, she makes her point and then ends it. the twist in Reading the Road specifically— woof that’s gonna stick with me for a bit. a perfect little o henry twist of the knife. i wanted so badly to link this specific short story but apparently nobody has used it to teach anything and the book itself is not widely available/on the internet archive/etc. u will have to find this story of a roadside fortune teller (who is current on all her business permits) and one day's fortune telling, by yourself perhaps through your library

-

watching

the prisoner, the seventeen episode british sixties tv cult classic. let's yoink the description from wikipedia.

The Prisoner is a British television series created by Patrick McGoohan, with possible contributions from George Markstein.[2] McGoohan portrays Number Six, an unnamed British intelligence agent who is abducted and imprisoned in a mysterious coastal village after resigning from his position.[3] The allegorical plotlines of the series contain elements of science fiction, psychological drama, and spy fiction.

number six shares a lot of traits with my cat philip marlowe, as they are both hell fucking bent on escaping and all attempts to restrain them just sort of train them to be better at the next attempt? as one might expect from a heavily allegorical sixties show, kind of heavy emotional going so im watching an episode every day or two.

why am i watching this? it's free on my library streaming service (and tubi), and i don't have a lot going on. i love one-season cancelled shows, i love Dad Media, unfortunately i was a navy brat and i do love some cloak and dagger shit. i LOOOOVE a fucked up little town and bureaucracy-as-cudgel. i actually came across this when i wishlisted the game We Happy Few back in 2018, another entry in the "creepy little british towns" genre. have yet to play it

-

playing

the cosmology and general backstory of genshin is convoluted as hell (The Gods are real and live in the sky, but some lowercase-g gods are also rulers of the seven nations in-game) but they have been foreshadowing a grand showdown since the very beginning of the game. one player character cannot de- or re-stablize so many regions and engage in so many power struggles without someone taking notice.

i did NOT, however, expect one of the regional god-rulers (purple) to start planning for this divine war in a side cutscene in a seasonal event. a seasonal event around rock n roll rhythm games. absolutely devastated i missed the pink fox lady's rerun right after i had to give my work laptop back and before i got the PC fixed. this game will not run on my iphone 12 for love or money

-

making

bit of a depression hovel situation going on. we are slowly rolling that back tho. finally met my landlord during the HVAC replacement debacle, he said that he bought this apartment in 2009, lived here for ten years, and then his parents lived here for a couple years. i am the first non-family tenant, i think. all of the appliances and fixtures are from 2009. i think the fridge will be the next to go. ANYWAY. i asked him what the deal was with the lack of bathroom vents and HE said when he had an air conditioner put in in 2009 the HVAC guy then assured him he only needed the HVAC vents and closed up the actual vents. which is a load of shit. i am not really excited to live here for another year but i really super can't afford to move and finding an apartment in houston the first time was such a goddamn nightmare. i cannot do three years tho. hopefully something will have changed by august 2025.

i have also, through a special cashback bonus reward on my credit card, a sale, a gift card, and cashing in more cashback money, acquired a cat tree for philip. modeled here by mackie bc we did room swapping again as i was writing this. i cannot be bothered to install curtain tiebacks or properly fold anything, as you can see below

#tuesday again #tuesday again no problem

[exy-conspiracies]

Okay so. This might be pushing it but. In light of everything that happened recently.

Was Seth Gordon's death actually an accident?

as a reminder, because I know most people didn't care about the Foxes until a few weeks ago: Seth Gordon was part of the Foxes' lineup at the beginning of this year as a striker. he died not long after the beginning of the season, apparently from an overdose.

I know this sounds crazy okay? But. Hear me out.

The final last week was fucking wild, and I don't care what you guys saw at home, but I was there at Edgar Allan and I fucking saw Riko trying to murder Neil!! With my own two eyes!!!

And I think we all remember when Kevin decided to just go "I've never been skying" on live television, while implying it was (1) the Ravens' fault and (2) done on purpose (!!).

I know we never got an answer as to what actually happened, and honestly now that Riko is dead I don't think we ever will. (cause you know, don't speak ill of the dead and everything) (i will be speaking ill of the dead here, consider yourselves warned)

but honestly. after last week? I think I've got a pretty good idea what happened.

and that's without even getting into the complete, messy, foggy situation around Jean Moreau.

So, I know this is technically its own theory, but my mind is already made on this, so that's not what I actually want to offer for consideration.

My point is:

At the beginning of the year, Kevin and Riko saw each other again for the first time in public (maybe at all?) since Kevin left the Ravens. Neil was a complete ass to Riko's face (which makes a lot more sens in hindsight).

and like the next day a Fox was dead.

Is that a coincidence???

are we ready to argue it's a coincidence, after everything we've learned?

Riko looses the championship and tries to murder Neil. Kevin is a better striker than Riko so Riko breaks his hand (allegedly).

that sounds like exactly the kind of person that would try to get back at someone insulting him on live TV (and keeping him from Kevin, now that I know, it's so obvious what Neil was doing). and since Neil is untouchable, cause, you know, gangster father, he goes after another one of the Foxes.

I know it sounds crazy okay? I'm only half convinced myself. hurting someone in anger is different from premeditating a fucking overdose.

(or did Riko just go batshit on him and then they somehow managed to disguise it as an overdose??? i feel like that's even crazier)

and like, Seth had an history of drugs and overdoses. as the media reminded us at length when he died. so it's not like him dying from an overdose is suspicious in itself.

But the timing!

the timing is hella suspicious is what i'm saying.

Anyway, I'm sending this anonymously cause Ravens' fans are fucking insane, but please tell me what you think of this!!

.

#Anon when I got this I Jshshsjsjs #man this is long af #znjdjsjsjss #(insert meme of that guy whos explaning something like a madman) #aftg #all for the game #psu #eau ravens #edgar allan ravens #edgar allan university #riko moriyama #seth gordon #neil josten #kevin day #jean moreau #nathaniel wesninski #palmetto state foxes #psu foxes

[wookgerine]

ONLYONEOF ChrOme Arts

#onlyoneof #kflops #lyonet #dailybg #malegroupsnet #ki.gif #ki.ooo #flashing tw #i don't like these but i'm convincing myself i don't care

[theflyingfeeling]

...💌

#not-very-seriously contemplating making a fitalk sideblog #just so i could ramble on about my fic ideas like the lunatic i am without bothering anyone #because istg i come up with at least 3 new ideas a day and more if necessary #but i'm too self-conscious to do that on my main blog too often because i always manage to convince myself no one actually cares #and that the only few people who do seem to care only care because they want to be supportive #and/or think it's cute i'm so passionate about the fics/pairing or whatever #and there's nothing wrong with that and i'm thankful of course! #but it sort of makes me feel like a child being praised by adults ya know? 😭 #and idk maybe i just feel like this because i used to share a hyperfixation OTP with a friend #and i'd come up with new fic ideas/headcanons for our OTP on a daily basis #until the friend admitted they weren't even that into the pairing #they just found it adorable to see how enthusiastic i was thinking of stories of them :) #which made me feel like such an idiot lol silly me thought they were as into it as i was #like. i get the need to infodump about hyperfixations to a friend even if the friend is not into the hyperfixation #especially if you don't know anyone else to whom you could talk about it #but i don't need that personally. i'd rather talk about my hyperfixations to someone who actually wants to hear it #and not just because they think i'm being adorable or they want to support me #i can very well keep it all to myself or just idk talk to myself?? lol #so yeahhhh i kinda don't want to make myself feel like a clown like that again 🤡 #i do realise i think about fic ideas an unhealthy amount probably lol #but then again isn't that what actual published authors do all the flipping time?! the only difference is that i'm not getting paid for it😤 #this wasn't supposed to become a rant lol the words just started flooding #anywayyyyy who wants to hear about my royalty!aleksi / ballet dancer!olli fic idea with side roommates-with-benefits olli/joonas? #additional tags include 'helping the other put on make-up' and 'anal fingering'. if you even care #(pls don't actually ask it's ridiculous)

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.

Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.

#da2 #dragon age 2 #sebastian vael #listen in my defense..........i don't like bringing sebastian anywhere sksksks #okay look i seriously tried but every time i bring him somewhere i always think man i wish i had brought someone else #and also i do just forget about him! i finally added him to my party at one point and he had 24 points to spend... #that's how long i neglected him after i promised myself i was gonna use him more and then i didn't #it's not that i don't like sebastian as a character though i do tend to side eye him A LOT... it's just that i like everyone else more #even aveline like i'd take aveline over sebastian any day and that's saying something... or is it? i have a lot of feelings about aveline #whereas my feelings about sebastian could maybe fill a thimble...it doesn't help that in my canon run as a mage hawke #i romance anders and well... sebastian wants me to kill anders and my hawke is like 'do i approve of blowing up the chantry? complicated.' #'am i breaking up with anders for this? absolutely. do i still love him? mmhmmm. am i going to kill him sebby? i'd sooner set varric aflame #then sebastian threatens to bring an army to kirkwall and leaves so i can't say i have the greatest opinion on him #even the time where i did kill anders and he stayed in my party he was just... there #and then he glitched out and started t posing while asking if ed ever found out what anders wanted to do in the chantry so..... yeah #but even this playthrough where i'm playing as a lady warrior with a different personality and everything... i'd just rather use anyone els #also keep him away from bethany i do not approve sksksks she's too good for him #i want to understand and see the different angles of him like with the other companions but i've yet to convince myself to do it #also sebastian romancers out there can you like... explain? genuinely can you explain the appeal? i'm curious #because of all the love interests in da2 i look at sebastian and you'd think i'd maybe be more interested? but it's like... #i know about the chaste marriage and everything like that's fine i don't need sex to be a thing in the relationship but it feels less like #an asexual romance and more like... y'know... being with a priest and i guess that's just not one of my kinks? sksksks #i guess there's also the prince angle but i romanced alistair in dao and kept him a grey warden i don't really care about royalty power #and i don't have issues with him being a part of the chantry [well i do but yknow what i mean] since i romanced cullen in dai #and his whole deal with the chantry and magic and shit makes his romance interesting to me but sebastian is just.... a bit too much i think #i don't know i'd like to understand because i really don't but i also keep forgetting about him

[vse-kar-vem]

how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)

#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on #either way #im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔 #if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me #again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg #i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever #but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do #and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying #like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative #but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me #oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you #but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't #like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it) #i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable! #fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it #and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier #of my friendships #wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up #the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom) #i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a #'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order #not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i #may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me ! #sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭 #vee rambles

[olliecoded]

dude. i am such a fucking selfish piece of shit.

#aghhhhhh yikes!!!!!!!!! yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #i am so awful awful awful awful #& the worst part is it doesnt matter what i do because everything comes from terrible selfish motives #because i am just intrinsically BAD and i have never known how to do anything good #even when i am TRYING to be good & like treat people right i just. am failing. constantly. #like i am just such a self obsessed bitch. i'm so done i'm SO done . #i wish everyone would just TELL me!! just like ... SAY that i'm an awful person. & leave. #i am getting so tired of knowing that there's something bad bad bad about me & waiting for everyone else to also know it #or maybe they all know it already & theyre just not saying #which actually might be the case because if i weren't a bad person i think my life might be different #like i feel like my relationships wouldn't all look like this if i WEREN'T a bad person #like my mom told me for years that i was a bad person. my best friend of 8 years basically stopped caring about me the second i was out of #sight. i have NEVER been someone that people can love without changing a significant part of myself #& i think that's because i'm deeply wrong & bad #i actually can't tell at this point whether i'm trying to be better or if i've just convinced myslef that i am #i don't know i'm just ljke. whatever. okay. whatever! i'm just so selfish and bad. i'm so so so bad. #i feel so bad right now i need someone to punch me in the face or like stab me in the heart #**** ****** ** ******* ** ******* ***** * ******* **** ** ** ***** #sorryy. okay. someone should fucking murder me like straight up i should be euthanized or something. bye #hello world

[motto-chanto-itte]

i'm so normal about ace attorney it's crazy!

#this is me convincing myself #but i really don't think i'm obsessed with it anymore #and by distancing myself from the fandom and the games #i don't even care about the server that much anymore ngl! i'm so glad #the only channels i keep unmuted there are the mod ones and the ones about other games #aka. um. #danganronpa #yeah that's basically it #and like. i don't even have a Character from aa #while i do have those in dr #idk what i'm even babbling about ngl #i just. realised i'm not that crazy about aa as i thought ? #dang #yay #and the leaf falleth down the tree #idk how you guys put up with me oversharing daily

[heartshattering]

they should invent a nighttime that doesn't make OCD worse

#at least it's not just me according to a quick search I did #but still ughhhhhh #I know what I need to do to cope but then when I'm in the moment it feels like I'm literally dying #I would get into more detail but explaining the stuff that goes through my head sounds so ridiculous like ????? #I know I already did [action] so there's no need for me to get out of bed and repeat it 20+ times before I let myself sleep! #I... I don't do that during the daytime... because that would feel ridiculous and irrational #but Nighttime Brain is like “you gotta” #don't try to reason with OCD because it Does Not Care! :') #the fact I'm able to recognize how ridiculous this is should be comforting #but like I said in the moment all my mind wants to do is convince me that tonight is the night I'm gonna die #and that it's all my fault and that I've ruined everything #I would not wish this on anyone #(except as a free trial to those people who say they want OCD when they don't really understand how much it sucks to deal with it) #sigh #anyway it's only 3 PM but I'm already dreading nighttime so that's why this popped into my mind #I'll be fine

[mythological-mayhem]

Your daily reminder that Tezcatlipoca is NOT a good person and however I glorify or praise him on this blog if you read the original myths he's a jerk

#aztec mythology #aztec gods #tezcatlipoca #no idea why I felt the need to say this #I'm probably trying to convince myself lmao #but see #I'm not the usual “he's done nothing wrong” fangirl #Tezcatlipoca propoganda #Tezcatlipoca is a dick sometimes #I wonder why I don't like Quetzalcoatl more #on second though I don't really care #I like Tez more anyway #Idc why

[spandexinspace]

I really wish I'd at least studied something fun since it turned out to be totally useless anyway

#personal #I'm not sure if I inherently just don't care for anything #Or if the pursuit of total security killed my interest in anything else #I can't blame others for my decisions but I wish someone would have acknowledged how easy it is to convince me things if it fuels my anxiety #And how easy it is for me to convince myself things if it seems like it'll satiate my anxiety #I wish someone would have acknowledged it at all because the signs were so obvious in retrospect #Vent

[madamtrashbat]

Y'all might need this back after y'all's hissy fit yesterday:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-sense-of-entitlement-5120616

I have got to hand it to suddenlyalright, she did a really fucking good job running with the campaign that I'm salty over not getting picked for the zine and literally nothing else could have caused me to be upset at all, no sir, including a person who harassed me and a bunch of my friends and openly sends anon hate had nothing to do with it.

Efficiency is definitely something you want from a mod, I guess. Impartiality out the window, this bitch gets shit done.

Go bother someone else.

#and you know the funny thing about them latching on to my comment about how I know I didn't get rejected because of a skill issue #which is 100% true and no one can convince me otherwise #I don't have people coming out of the woodwork to tell me they love my writing months after the fact because I'm shit #but I can recognize a pattern and the pattern is all my 'problematic' friends and myself got rejected #is that it totally misses the point that I WASN'T ANGRY UNTIL THE CONTRIBUTORS WERE RELEASED #but that doesn't fit the narrative so who cares right? #fuck all the way off #get out of my inbox and stop bothering me #'we don't send anon hate' that's like all you guys do like come on #anonymous #inquiries #discourse

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[faggotry-enjoyer]

there is SO MUCH bullshit going on at this university and i want to talk about it on here so bad but it's too specific to do so without coming dangerously close to full on doxxing myself

#like yeah of course hillel isn't a huge fan of jvp it's fucking jvp #'the american zionist institution' should already be setting off MAJOR alarm bells and then one of the orgs you're going after is HILLEL #i've been scared of losing friends cause i've lost a couple already #but for some of them seeing this post spread around so uncritically might just be my fucking breaking point of caring #i'm not looking to cut anyone off or anything and a lot i don't know well enough with to effectively talk to abt this #but i can't help but wonder how much i really want to be friends with people broadcasting this level of antisemitism #i'm not going to reply directly quite yet bc i don't yet feel like i have the tools to do so effectively #and i don't want to dig myself into holes again #but i am NOT going to be convinced to shut up about antisemitism again bc this is fucking absurd #if jews talking about antisemitism are evil zionists and non jews talking about antisemitism have a savior complex #then maybe you just don't give a shit about antisemitism #maybe you only care about jews to the extent that you can tokenize them #maybe that's why the only 'jewish' org you share from is fucking jvp #'i've connected the dots' 'you haven't connected shit' #is really just what it's like to be able to recognize the most basic dogwhistles out there nowadays #it's appalling and i know i'm far far from getting the brunt of it #personal #faggotry enjoyer original

[mistbow]

“would you recommend this thing to others” my mode of enjoying things is that I enjoy things for what they are for me myself. who cares what other people think about what I like, we’re all different anyway that’s just a fact.

#some people act like it's a blight to them that i like something objectively so '''''bad''''' #like. i'm just enjoying myself here. why do you care that much #the more i look at others the more i see i just don't share the same opinions as a lot of people and that's fine #and i'm not even saying this to be a contrarian i genuinely just accept that we disagree and sometimes. just sometimes. i happen to be in #the minority and again that's /fine/ #when things like this happen we just have to agree to disagree and just for the sake of the sanity of us both #i will try to distance myself from others. in this case the larger fandom #and is that not what all we want anyway #people care too much about cultivating a community when there's none and trying so hard to be welcoming to everyone when #that's almost impossible imo #again why do a lot of people just assume that when i yell about things into the void it means i try to be '''objective''' #and Convince others #when that's not at all my aim #if you agree with what i'm saying that's fine. good for me even i guess. #but i don't care if you think what i'm saying is bs either lol #just let me yell in peace #whether there are people out there willing to listen or not is secondary #mino rants