#i can't tell if i am purposely isolating myself or if people just don't care like that

[cosmojjong]

losing sleep over a break up has to be one of the most soul consuming things ever

#these days have been... hard. #it's just me my mind and i #i can't tell if i am purposely isolating myself or if people just don't care like that #a lot is going on and i wish time went slower #i actually wish i got a break from it all #i am so upset over a bunch of different things that i just don't even want to come on here #tumblr used to be my safest place but now i am reaching such a dark state of mind that i don't even know what to post #i don't even feel like reblogging things or opening the app #why do i deserve this #this as in EVERYTHING wrong that's happening

[fortunatelev]

I logged out and stopped playing early. Idk...I'm just bored...like I have no one to hang out with and talk to and sometimes it gets a bit depressing seeing other people hanging out and having fun together. Anytime I have tried to make friends and be kind to people I would always get treated like garbage. I have nothing but traumatic memories of people and how they all treated me like shit. Like wow...am I really that unlikeable? Why was I even born then? 😅

But seriously, though. While it is true that you dont need to have friends, life is more fun when you do have them. Right now...I'm just bored. Lonely and bored. Life feels so dull and pointless. Like?? What's the point to anything? Like you think you are living right and it's like "Okay God I cut off the toxic friends and the people who were bad influences so when am I going to have people to talk to or am I just going to be destined to talk to myself for the rest of my life?" And that is what I actually do. I have full conversations with myself because I have no one to actually talk to. I guess God wanted me to be isolated from everyone and not have any social skills. lol okay so that made me undeniably crazy. what was the point of that exactly? what is the point of me being here? to be a laughing stock to people? to be the butt of a joke? like why? what is the purpose of me being on this earth. I'm tired of everyday being the same thing over and over.

I feel like I dont really have much of a life nor much to offer. I can't work or drive because of my mental health and my inability to handle stress and my crippling anxiety. I have no social skills and lack the proper necessary skills to make connections and talk to people. Why the hell am I here? I'm just so bored with my damn life.

It must be nice for the people who do have friends and who do have relationships. You're fortunate. I'll probably never have that especially since it seems like God clearly doesn't want me to. I am wondering why I am even still serving Him. I know I shouldn't be envious of people or covet what they have and I dont want to but?? You arent exactly helping me not to now are you? I want friends...I want a relationship...I want human connection but I never get that. I just get treated like garbage like I am nothing and worthless. Its like each time I see people hanging out that is just the universe's way of telling me "yeah you will never have anyone or connect with them. you will never have that. they are fortunate and you arent". And where are you in this, God? Do you care about my suffering? You said in your word for us to delight ourselves in you and serve you and I have done that and even so with all of the time I have given you and all the times I have defended your name and honored you, I get nothing in the end but suffering. How is that fair?

I dont connect with anyone and any connection I do try to make always falls through the cracks and I have to do all the work while they lose interest and stop talking to me. Now I no longer trust anyone after all the betrayals and abandonment. My life just sucks and I'm tired of living it honestly. Like the people who treat me bad always have people to support them and help them but I get absolutely nothing but people telling me that "they dont enjoy being around me when I am sad". How is it that other people can get support and love and they dont even serve you and yet I get absolutely nothing when I am serving you.

I just dont understand this. God, I have served you and have made every effort to revere you but it just feels like you always want me to be lonely and suffering which is already horrifically bad for my terrible mental health. Do you even care? I know I am supposed to serve you and all but given the fact that I already suffer with my mental health, why do I need to have a lack of social skills, too? That just seems cruel of you. I am trying to trust you but I am beginning to lose my faith in you. I don't feel motivated to live this life anymore.

#my life sucks #god has forsaken me #god #lonely #bored #no friends #loneliness #sigh #i want friends #socially isolated #isolated #trauma #trust issues #i give up #im just done #done with faith #faith

[destinygoldenstar]

Chapter 5 Daily Life Preview (Total Drama Danganronpa Island)

*FLASH*

One second I was asleep, the next I was screaming and running to my parents room. 

I threw open the door and screamed incoherently. They both jumped awake quickly, both with pissed off faces. 

"Jesus Christ Duncan, you gotta get over this..." I heard my dad groan with hands over his face.

I didn't care. I swiftly climbed on the bed to cuddle up with mom. She rubbed my back to try and calm me down.

"He's nine years old." Dad objected. 

"He's scared." Mom snapped back, hugging me tighter. 

"You can't baby him forever..." Dad argued tiredly.

At least when they were tired, they didn't argue as harshly.

I was scared of a lot of things. The dark. Isolation. Thunder and lightning. It was the one downside of having my own room. 

So I liked to cuddle up with people. Particularly my mom. She was soft and gentle. She was delicate and supportive. I just assumed that it was second nature for women. 

While that thought process doesn't hold up now, I still think that way towards my mom specifically. Even after the disownment. 

She kissed my forehead before the phone on her nightstand went off.

Still tired, she groaned, "Ugh, who's calling me at 2 A.M?"

She picked up the phone and gently placed me on the bed. Then she steps out of the room. "Yes, hello? Station?"

I wasn't surprised. They're cops. Cops have night duties and can get called in.

The only problem was now it was just me and my dad. I nervously looked at him. He had his arms crossed sitting up on the bed. For a second, he gazed at me.

He sighed. He loosened up. "Duncan... I don't mean to be harsh or think there's something wrong with you, okay? I'm just... I just want to help you out-and I-I don't-" He stuttered and breathed to process what he wanted to say. "Growing up is something we all need to do. I had to."

That interested me. "You... you did?"

He crossed his legs. He decided to tell me. "You know Nona, on your mother's side?"

I nodded.

"My Nona had a brother. He was a detective in the cop branch. Solved a lot of murders, criminal cases... he was also named Duncan."

I never met him. But at least I knew where my name came from. 

"You're not gonna meet him cause he's gone..." Dad explained. His eyes shook a little when he said it. "He was trying to solve an arson case... died in the fire. The building left a ton of surviving people homeless... I was one of them..."

I hugged myself. I asked, "The person who caused the fire... were they bad?"

He nodded. "Very."

I asked, trying not to cry, "Am I bad...? Am I a bad boy...?"

He whipped his head towards me in shock. "No! Of course not!! Those bad people cause fires on purpose to hurt people and break things. You would never do that."

"Then why is everyone saying I am?? Why else would I be punished??" I felt a tear streak fall down my face.

Unlike mom, dad didn't approach me or hug me. He stayed there and silently let me deal with it alone.

"Not every cop is an expert at being strong. Not every cop has big muscular arms and lift things. There's people at the desk, there's people who file parking tickets, there's, again, detectives. There's a lot of options. Your coach is just one of those strongmen people, so he's just using his experience. He doesn't get that it doesn't apply to everyone. So maybe you could try something less-strength orient-"

*FLASH*

I screamed again, scrambling to my dad, trying to hug him. I needed that comfort, otherwise the lightning could bolt through the roof and on me!

But he didn't hug me. He pushed me away. 

He made it clear, "But if you want to grow up, you have to be stronger than this."

I whimpered. I wanted a hug. I wanted to feel safe. I couldn't feel safe without it. I was still shaking.

"Strength comes from this." He put a fist on his chest. "This is your strength. If you want to stop bad people, you can't let them know you're scared. They can use that. They can tear you up if they know that. You can tear yourself up."

I still shook in place, curled up. I let out a soft, almost mute, "It hurts..."

"Don't show that pain." He told me. "Don't show fear. Don't let them know how weak you are. The moment they know who you are, you lose."

Was that a quote to tell myself to be tough? 

"Just keep telling yourself that. It worked for me when I was in therapy." He said. "Don't show pain. Don't show fear. Don't show weakness. You do, you lose."

I slowly tried to sit up and face him. I wanted to prove him right. I wanted to figure out how to stop being scared. I could be tough. I could be who he wanted me to be.

"There you go." He said proudly. 

I still couldn't face him. "If I face bad people... will I know what to do?"

He nodded yes. "They're pretty easy to spot. You know boys your age, and into teen years, they take a lot of paths. Some aren't the best ones. But good boys will follow all the rules, do everything for their loved ones, they'll put up a fight to protect people. Bad boys have no empathy. No decency. No morality in their hearts at all. They just want to do whatever they want. And they only hurt people. They hurt everyone they come across. They use people for their own gain, they burn stuff and steal stuff for fun, they are maniacal... it's why we lock them up. They deserve the punishment. You know you're a bad boy if you truly decide you're capable of committing crimes like that and have fun doing it. So you tell me, son... are you a bad boy?"

I looked him in the eye. "No, sir."

That was the first thing I could say with confidence. I was not a bad boy. Those people were awful. Those people deserved all the hatred. Those people deserved all the punishment. 

My dad said himself it was purely a black and white issue. Therefore, it must be.

After all, the killing game now treated it as such.

He put a hand on my shoulder and finally smiled at me. "You're gonna be okay. You'll get there. May take a long time, but you'll get there."

I nodded to him.

Then mom came back in. "Okay, so it wasn't a call in, it was a file I forgot to turn in, so I still need to go real quick. Duncan, I'm sorry-"

"He's fine." Dad said. "He's actually gonna go back to bed right now."

I was?

He gave me a soft nod, silently making that an order.

"Y-yeah." I decided to obey the order. "Goodnight mom."

I didn't say anything else. I left their room and went back to mine. 

The moment I shut the door, another FLASH came in.

I ran into my blankets to hide. 

Don't show that pain. Don't show fear. Don't let them know how weak you are. The moment they know who you are, you lose.

Saying that over and over again in my head helped me calm down faster than I usually did. 

I stayed buried in the blankets, trapping myself.

I could prove it to dad. I could keep my word. I was not a bad boy. Everyone was wrong. 

I was a good kid.

I could figure it out.

~~~

Readers of TDDRI might pick up on a few things here. Especially regarding the POV character.

Chapter 5 Daily Life is going nicely. But I'm not quite ready to release it yet. That's because I'm not satisfied with the emotion coming across yet. There isn't one specific emotion I'm aiming for with this chapter, it's multiple.

Despair, happiness, anger, devastation, betrayal, terror, satisfaction, justice, all in one moment in the Daily Life (not this).

Just outlining that part alone made me sick to my stomach just thinking of it. And that's applied to every draft I've done of that part. It's in a good way, so you know, I'm not physically sick writing or anything, but I feel like I know I have to get this just right or I'm going to be disappointed in myself.

So... while you wait, here's an ad preview of some Duncan backstory. Honestly, I wished I put this Duncan backstory sooner in the fic. But at least I got around to it now, where it can seem appropriate. There's nothing revealed about the present plot in this bit, so I don't feel the need to put a spoiler warning here.

#total drama #danganronpa #total drama danganronpa island #td duncan

[candyskiez]

give me ur opinion on MY favourite characters (amethyst, spinel and pink/rose)

oh HELL YEAH LETS GO. am probably gonna throw myself into the Hoards with this but fuck it, I've died on worse hills.

at first, I didn't like amethyst but MAN she grew on me. on the run really sold me on shit so hard because. god, so much about her made sense. she doesn't try because nothing she does is enough for people around her. she's still not good enough. so why even try if the standards are just gonna get higher? why even try if the only person who thought she was good enough was gone and NOBODY else seemed to see her. nobody else cared. her bond with steven just makes me so??? aeroufhh. god, the disabled solidarity is everything to me. amethyst growing and "I am not less because of how I was made, I'm enough as I am." it's!! shes never gonna be the main Brainrot but god. I do love her. her fight with jasper still fucks me up. "you didn't even need me at all." she sees what she was SUPPOSED to be and she hates it and yet envies it. the thing that really made me understand her more though is reformed. her trying to figure out what everyone wants from her and just the showing of when you're only criticized and only torn down, of course you stop trying. she doesn't want to self reflect. she doesn't want to be alone with her thoughts. she doesn't want to have to look at what she is right now. it honestly makes me wonder, how much of her attachment to rose was because she gave her a purpose. she felt so lost and lonely and rose gave her meaning. and she tried to attach on to greg for that meaning but it wasn't enough and she had no sense of identity of her own and. god, she's so interesting. I WISH the show wasn't shortened so we could see more of how SHE felt about rose because the build up was wonderful. her bitterness towards greg while also craving his company, I NEED to know why she transformed into rose the first time, I need to know how she feels about pink diamond because! man! her going "she was supposed to make things better" is so interesting. she was supposed to make it stop hurting, she was supposed to help me! she was supposed to be the only one who believed in me and she was supposed to tell me what I could really be. she's deceptively dependent on others and it's so wonderful to see her grow. to see her become secure in herself is just. so fucking cool, dude. she isn't my favorite favorite, but I do LOVE the implications of her relationship with rose. I wanna know More!!!! tell me MORE!!!!!! did she idolize rose because she was a quartz just like her yet she was better, she was her own person and so lovable and perfect. and maybe she could be that. how much of that betrayal at rose being pink was her thinking "you were supposed to make me better. why couldn't you make me better." her trying to cling onto rose saying she was perfect as she was. her needing to learn to have her OWN worth, isolated from what rose thought of her. I really loved her telling steven, no, you should've trusted me in future. I like it! I love them being siblings man idk.

spinel,, man. I will forever be impressed by how the crew handled her because they had one movie and one episode to make us love her and they DID. the concept of spinels are. Mildly horrifying! holy shit! just meant to be fucking toys??? I saw someone point out pearl going "but she can't be serious" could be that like pearls are supposed to have no desires outside of their owners spinels are supposed to only feel happy and be funny and silly and Can Never Be Serious. which! horrible! it's just,, ohhh my god. she's the inner child that's what she is. she attaches to everyone so fast and is constantly trying to get approval and it's just. arufhjffjdjdj. I don't think she's my absolute favorite BUT she is very interesting and her songs are so good. her design??? the fucking tear dripping mascara and the loony toons looking!!! god. her lines are also so fucking raw. "when you change, you change for the better. when I change, I change for the WORSE." her voice acting is top tier. it's insane to me because they had *one movie* to get us hooked on her character. they had *one movie* to get you rooting for her redemption. a few hours. and they somehow did it. that resetting everyone to the beginning thing was fucking GENIUS. she's such a good antagonist and god, shes irrational and unfair but I Get It. she, again, has the vibes of an angry traumatized kid. she's so angry and lonely and she's irrational and man, therapists would have a field day w her. also again her fucking design. looney toons looking ass. I want to kiss her forehead.

rose is how you do a ghost of the narrative fucking RIGHT. she's the heart of the narrative, everyone can change, everyone can be a better person than they were yesterday and the idea that there's a level of bad you Can Never Come Back From isn't helping anyone. and also she's exactly what the narrative warns against. someone who decided she could never come back from what she did, and instead of trying to fix things or make things right, she chose to die. she doomed herself not because she was irredeemable but because she was convinced she was irredeemable. she had changed *so much* from being pink diamond and she couldn't see it. she didn't try to apologize or put things right. she thought the world would be better without her and left even more pain in her wake and it's just. she's one of the biggest tragedies of the show. her kindness and encouraging everyone to change is the heart of it and her deciding SHE can't change and should just die is what the show warns against. it's so good. it hurts to think of how much better it would be if the show had more time to explore it but god. she's such a compelling character. she's so morally gray. I wanna punch her and I wanna hug her at the same time. shes so morally gray and has so much good inside her and did so many awful things and she's so complicated and she's a person and she is the heart of this fucking show. I love her, we need to talk was an excellent episode and helped me understand her so bad. fucking excellent. god I just. she's an EXCELLENT character. please get her a fucking therapist. and take her away from pearl and spinel until theyve all worked on themselves in therapy. ty gn

(ask me things!)

#amethyst su #su amethyst #steven universe amethyst #amethyst steven universe #rose quartz su #su rose quartz #steven universe rose quartz #rose quartz steven universe #spinel su #su spinel #steven universe spinel #spinel steven universe #steven universe spoilers #su spoilers #su #steven universe

[thejosh1980]

Dr Kitch, it's terrible... 

It's been a while. I know that writing my thoughts and feelings down has a real positive affect on my mental well being. I learn about myself and often feel free, or freer, from the worry or concern I had before I started writing. 

I just haven't prioritised writing lately. Sometimes I don't feel motivated or, more often, I don't feel I have anything interesting to share.

I do write, but I don't share everything. I have unsent letters to friends, family, pets and myself, which I have written for the sole purpose of getting my thoughts and feelings out, and hoping in the process find a little bit of calm. 

Recently I got a new job offer. 

My current position as a community support worker is fantastic for many reasons, and not so great for a few. After finishing my studies to become a counsellor I wanted to get some experience in the real word. During the past 6+ months, I have seen improvements in the well being of the people I work with, and the influence I have had on their lives. I really enjoy the time with the people I work with, even if shifts can be challenging at times.

However, I am not excited about the company, my managers and the system of care in place. Probably the best way I can explain it is, the company can be more of a challenge to work with than the people I work one on one with.

It was never going to be a long term job, it was about getting experience, learning about myself, the people I work with, the various mental health diagnosis out there, and how the system works. After 6 months, I still put in 100% with the people I work with, but I'm not a fan of the system.

So I am changing systems.

The new job will be somewhat similar, but vastly different in other areas. I will work at one location, and people who need support will come to that location. I will no longer work in isolation, I will have colleagues to work with, and support me, during the whole shift. Shifts are longer and there's no cancellation at the last minute. I will work as a peer support worker at a suicide prevention project. I can't go into further details right now, but it'll be an exciting step for me to be able to support people in crisis daily.

I will work both jobs for a while, but eventually cut back on my old position once I settle into the new job.

Part of the new job is that I'll need to keep myself safe, prioritising my mental well being and physical well being. I am really pleased I will be part of a team, and have colleagues, who I can talk to, learn from, and share my experiences with. I'll have a daily opportunity to debrief, something that is often missing in mental health work. I'll have a chance to learn from other peer workers, one on one, as well as sharing with people who visit the project. 

Exciting times...

What isn't exciting is how I'll keep myself physically well. I need to get vaccinations. Now I don't want to go through the whole COVID vaccine debate, it is what it is, and this is about something else.

I am very scared of needles!

Prior to COVID, The last time I remember getting an injection was in late 1997, when I broke my pinky finger and needed a local injection in my elbow, in the spot we call the “funny bone”, where that nerve tingles down your arm when you bump it. I had to be gassed up, held down and I still was crying, shaking and hating every moment of the process. I remember the doctor said “stop being a baby”, which definitely didn't help the situation. I remember telling him “make sure you put in more than enough to numb me, because you won't get a second chance”. 

I was alone, he gassed me, jabbed me, re-broke my finger and set it in place.

Good times...

I have learnt a lot since the COVID vaccines became mandatory, I learnt that I could get a jab (or 3) if I had Alex with me to hold my hand and an understanding nurse who was gentle. I focused on the fact I was showing courage, even if I was reacting with tears and shaking, doing something that protected my family, and myself. 

Those jabs were the first I had had in over 20 years.

Last month I began the process of getting jabs for the new job. I calculated I'd need at least 4 seperate injections, if not more, over the coming 3 months. Initially 2 at a time and then 1 or 2 after that, not to forget the dreaded blood tests I'll need too. 

Oh boy!!! 

In December, I had the doctor, nurse and Alex lined up on Thursday morning to get the ball rolling. Except it didn't roll very far. I was amped up and before the appointment thinking “right, I'll go in, lay down, they'll jab, I'll cry and shake, and then we'll move on like nothing happened”... 

After huge anticipation, and a few sleepless nights, leading up to that appointment, it didn't happen. The appointment ended up being only a discussion with the doc and a prescription for the jabs. See, I didn't know I had to go to the chemist to get the needles and come back for the jab. So it was all rescheduled for the following Saturday morning.

I had been mentally prepared on Thursday, only to be denied, and had to prepare again for Saturday. I am so lucky the nurse and the doctor were compassionate, understanding and knowledgable on how to support folks like me. Folks who have a strong reaction to needles. They did a great job, and I don't do this very often but I'll blow my own horn here, I did a great job too. I kept my arm still, cried, shook, wiggled my toes, talked very fast, lost a little oxygen or something because my face was tingling, and I got through it, I survived. 

2 jabs down!

I could tell the nurse was pinching me (pretty hard according to Alex) to help desensitise my upper arm as I was laying down looking over Alex's shoulder, tears in my eyes, wiggling my toes. I didn't make eye contact with anyone while in the nurse's room. I could tell when the needle went in, and it didn't hurt. I should know better, I know it doesn't hurt. 

So why the reaction?

I have been thinking about this since the job (and jabs) came up. Why do I react in such a strong way, even though I know they don't hurt, they're not unsafe and I have survived them before? And why is there this strong reaction, just to the thought, of having to have an injection?

In fact the fear was so strong that about 15 years ago, while surfing in Hawaii, I cut my big toe up on a reef. I had to go to the emergency room. My partner at the time can surely remember the Jackie Chan type nurse who took care of me, and the shaking boyfriend on the bed with eyes all big and fearful. I knew that needles were going to be mentioned. Those needles could be for stitching me up or for some other thing like tetanus! 

What the hell is tetanus? 

I am sure I had whatever necessary vaccinations a child needed back in the early 80's, which might have included this tetanus the nurse mentioned, but when asked when I had my last tetanus shot, I lied. I said “oh, in my late teens”, which was within 10 years and satisfied the nurses curiosity. Secondly, thank god they decided not to stitch me up, they decided to use super glue instead. 

Crisis averted.

I was glued up and left the emergency a relatively happy man. Eventually I got a walking stick and enjoyed a rockabilly festival at our next stop, in Green Bay. Playing cricket and doin' the limbo with my rockin' cane on the dance floor. Those that were there, know, it sure was a good time to have a limp.

Back to the question of the day... So, why the reaction?

Firstly, I'd say that long gap of 20+ years between jabs hasn't helped. I got more and more scared, worried and distant from the needle. I avoided getting any blood tests, or jabs, for almost 25 years. I wouldn't travel to a country that required a jab. I wouldn't go to the doctor if I hurt myself and thought there's even a hint of a chance that the doc might consider the possibility that there's a reason he might think about using a needle even close to me. 

So lets go back, back even further than 25 years...

Many of our adult thoughts, feelings and behaviours stem from our childhood experiences and what we make of those experiences.

I have a memory of receiving a jab in 1986 in Brunswick Heads that didn't go well. I was 6 years old, and my parents had separated the year before. I don't have many memories from my childhood, this is surely the strongest. 

I know the previous jabs were all in 1980-1981, I was just a wee baby and it's in my baby booklet Mum has kept all this time. I don't remember any of these jabs. By 1986 I was more aware of the world around me, I was aware Dad wasn't around, I was no longer living in the big city. I knew there were things going on, with me, Mum, Dad and my sister, that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I'm sure it was a stressful time for us all, I am sure that stress was something I didn't know how to process.

I remember feeling very small, with the feeling of tears burning down my cheeks, fighting the doctor, shouting and crying. I may have tried to run, but didn't get far. I remember being at the door pleading with them not to do it. I remember the doctor wasn't very impressed with me. I can not remember Mum being there.

This was a traumatic event for me.

It isn't the event itself, but the stress one feels, that makes it a traumatic event. That's why two people can experience the same event, and have different reactions. One may feel fine, the other traumatised. 

So why the stress? Why the reaction?

My recent thoughts directed me to my parents having recently separated, and I was taken away from all that I had known: big city suburbia, and my family security at the only house I'd ever known. My environment, and our family, had changed and I hadn't processed all these changes. I was missing Dad, and trying to adjust. I remember I was struggling to settle in at school. Mum did her best, I have no doubt she protected us kids and made the best of the situations that arose. She definitely worked very hard to support us. I don't have memories of any other really challenging events, between the time we left Melbourne and when I had the jabs. 

Mum said as a baby I was fine with the jabs, I cried a little, but didn't react to the extent I would show a few years later that continues to this day. 

What I remember as my worst experience since my parents separated, still affects me years on. There has to be a connection there, because that experience affected me so deeply. Another way to think about it is to ask the question, if I had those jabs in Melbourne, with parents who were still together and happy, would I have developed the fear?

I am not upset with my parents for separating. I think it was what they had to do, as there was unhappiness in their relationship that they couldn't work through. I've been there too, and ending the relationship was the best way. 

Even as I type this, I can't get close to connecting the dots. Usually I do, usually as I write I find answers to questions I ask myself, because I let my thoughts wander, I let them go deeper than I have before.

So far, nada. 

I may need to go deeper, and that is becoming more challenging around this subject. I feel I may need professional help with that. It isn't always easy asking yourself the hard questions, I may need a little help.

But it did affect me, didn't it?

My fear and reaction are so ingrained that I struggle to shake it off. The fear and worry has been in my head for too long to just “get over it”, “man up”, and get it done. It takes a lot of work, it's a real journey, to change years of behaviour, thoughts and feelings. I have been reframing my thoughts, becoming more comfortable with being vulnerable in front of others, and finding small ways to see myself take whatever steps I need to get through these few moments of intense reaction.

Small steps. 

The smallest ones I could possibly do to get 'em done. I've written about this before, when a job, event or action feels too big and overwhelming, I break it down into the smallest parts possible. 

Small achievable steps.

I have thought about the steps I took to get through the COVID jabs, and that was because I saw the reasoning behind it, I made a choice to get them to support safety within my family, close friends and community. I got those jabs for someone else, not for me. I surely didn't want those jabs, I never have ever wanted to have 'em.

Alex came to all 3 of those appointments, held my hand, wiped the tears, and talked to the nurses. She showed me the compassion and support the doctor didn't showing me in 1986 and again in 1997. I did the jab for her, and she in turn showed me I could do it, I could face the fear after all these years.

When I found out I would need to get updated and new vaccinations, like this tetanus shot, I decided to work on small steps to help me. I would need the dreaded blood test too, something I have never been able to successfully do. I tried once, when I was about 20, but I didn't last long in the pathology clinic. I was out of there the moment they tried to put that strap around my arm to stem the blood flow. 

I never looked back.

Recently, I used an opportunity to experiment with exposure therapy. That is, to expose myself to small amounts of needles. 

About 6 weeks before my first injections, when a close friend needed to get an IV put in his hand from the ambulance, I stayed in the room. I didn't actually watch the thing go in, hell no!!! I was a couple of meters away, watching his face, and seeing little reaction or worry, in fact he was calm. Once it was in, I had a quick look at his hand, didn't look too bad either. OK, this was a small step, I let someone else get a “permanent” jab while I was in the same room.

Happy days...

Next step, upping the exposure....

I had the opportunity to take someone I work with to get a blood test a few weeks later. I could have looked away, I could have left the room, I could have asked him to turn away, but instead I faced my fear. I watched the whole process, and the outcome was 2 vials of blood, and he said it was the best blood test he'd experienced. I immediately took down that nurse's name and would book in with her when I needed a blood test.

I felt like I'd come a long way from the days of not being able to even be in the same room with a needle.

Now with the new job, we're back at it, getting jabbed. That Saturday's appointment was intense, I wiggled my toes to distract myself, so much so that I didn't realise I was digging my nails into my toes, and was bleeding.

I got 2 jabs in a row... I still can't believe it. 

It helped to have a strong reason to get on with these vaccinations. A new job... A new job which supports our goal to buy our own house. I figured out the overall reason too, my health. I'm not getting any younger, I'll need jabs and blood tests more and more likely as I grow older. 

But I don't think I am ready to volunteer to get a jab just because...

I need a solid reason, I need support and understanding, and I hope over time, with more growth and understanding, I'll be calm, cool and collected while the nurses and doctors do what they gotta do...

Thanks for reading,

Josh

EDIT: I re-read my blogs to make sure I cover all the detail, to go as deep as I can. As I wrote this, I was sure the issue with my fear stemmed from my parent's separation. The thought of a needle throws me back to that time of change. 

I am sure, that it does to a degree, and needs further exploration... But...

Just now, as I read through, correcting a few details, spelling mistakes and grammar, I came to realise in 1986, the biggest part of the needle fear stemmed from my feelings surrounding the doctor's attitude and lack of compassion towards me. 

I felt hurt, I felt unfairly judged, and I felt that I was treated badly. 

I was a sensitive kid, my parents weren't together and I was experiencing a lot of change. I feel that the doc didn't care about any of that, he just wanted to stick it in, no matter what the experience may have felt to me.

Now, I can work on finding calm.

#needles #personal growth #doctor #growin’ up #vaccinated

[irritableinsulin]

Introduction

I'm going to introduce myself while also not telling you who I am. People that really know me could probably figure it out if they really put in the effort, but this is for me. Maybe it'll help others too, who knows?

Basically, I think I've completely lost it...or I think I've figured it out. Maybe this is one of those impulsive and irrational moments that I am telling myself is okay and necessary when in reality it's just a huge trauma response.

My struggles aren't special, my traumas just a lot of sad stories amongst all the others. Everyone admires me for how strong I am and how I continue to persevere and make goals despite it all. How well I handle all of my problems and everyone else's. I am the go-to. I am the problem solver. I'm great at it. I just can't figure out my stuff. I can't figure out how to make myself happy. I'm not even sure I can be happy.

The only love I've ever known, has never really been love. Due to my trauma and my endless need to help others since I was so helpless when I was hurting and needed someone. How I overlook the crossing of boundaries and the double standards, because I am too sensitive and insecure. I am always stretching myself thin and trying to help everyone around me while I feel like I'm going to break at any moment.

Maybe some people are on Earth to give love to people who would have never received it otherwise. The more I give of myself, the more hurt I overlook; the harder I love, to bring others happiness, maybe that's my purpose.

Life has been hard lately, like really hard. But that's for everyone. I need to vent and be held and listened to, but it can stress people out and make their lives harder, so that's a no go.

In an attempt to focus on myself and my own healing, as well as reducing a stressor in my life, I have gotten off almost all social media. I have always been super active, even to the point where I was making money from it. But all of a sudden, while scrolling aimlessly and feeling no joy, just anxiety and feeling inadequate, I started thinking about disappearing.

In this day and age, the closest I can get to disappearing is making myself less accessible, therefore, goodbye social media. I don't want people to only think of me or care about me when they see me share a post, worry that I am finally going off the deep end after all these years because I have dark humor that others don't understand and it's interpreted as a cry for help.

Here, I can get my thoughts out without concern of upsetting someone, without fear that people will question my capabilities or my worthy. I don't want to live my life just to prove to others that I made it, I survived.

By doing this, I have further isolated myself. I had already begun isolating myself, a mix of mental illness, stress, and just a lot of chaos making it feel impossible to hang out with friends, or even reply to messages. Without a social media presence, will I just be forgotten? Or worse, will people realize that I'm just not worth the effort to maintain a relationship with?

I don't expect anyone to read this, but I hate physical writing and the notes app just isn't cutting it anymore. Maybe by putting these thoughts and feelings into the universe, I'll somehow figure it out.

#lost #depression #journey #self improvement #self healing #healing #social media

[ungalossimp]

Social anxiety and online interractions

(while being neurodivergent)

For context , I've been diagnosed with social phobia and generalized anxiety disorder -agoraphobia too, although I don't think it plays a role here. I'm austistic as well (diagnosed too)

Some people get really angry / annoyed about me not answering directly when they send me a message or an ask. I'm sorry about this. I wish I was able to do it.

For some social interractions are simple. For me it's not, and probably never will. I overthink, writing/ talking to people give me panic attacks.

My brain litteraly can't process things correctly, and interprets social interractions (or more precisely : social interractions going badly) as a deadly threat.

I get overwhelmed. I'm scared, insecure, and a lot of negative thoughts spiral in my head and I can't stop it.

Here's some of them :

✧･ What do they think when they see my blog on their dashboard ?

✧･ Do people even remember me ?

✧･ Do I look look desperate for attention - or on the contrary, do I look like I don't care ?

✧･ Are my posts and reblogs too boring ?Do they think nothing of it ?

✧･ Am I being a bother to my friends ? What if they weren't really my friends, what if they were just being polite and I misinterpreted things ?

✧･ What if I was a dead weight and everyone was too kind / polite to tell me so ?

✧･ What if I don't explain my points of view correctly, what if I mess up so much that the next sentence I'll write will hurt someone, and make them want to never speak to me again ?

✧･ What if they hated you because of how weird you are ?

It's hard to fight against this thought process. It's a cluster of thoughts that spiral again and again, sometimes it's there in the back of your mind and you don't even realize it.

It's hard to spot that my thoughts and insecurities are being irrational when I'm in the middle of it. It's hard to realize those fears are present to an anormal level.

Even when I know I'm not being 100% realistic, it's extremely difficult to not be affected by it.

Not to mention, my neurodiversity (autism) makes me second-guess every interractions, because I'm so scared to not have read social cues correctly.

I'm far better at it now, but when I grew up I used to feel like every interraction was a game and everyone knew the rules except me. It lead to a lot of misunderstandings and hurt.

At the time, I wasn't even diagnosed, so I internalized every "mistakes" of mine and blamed myself.

No one understood why I didn't follow the social rules, surely I did it on purpose - there was something wrong with me but I did no efforts to fix it. I got bullied badly.

As a result of all of this... A lot of time my mind automatically chooses the "safest" (irrational) solution: "if I post nothing, if I don't interract with anyone it will prevent me from ruining everything." It's a fight / flight / freeze /fawn situation, and I freeze.

I know that isolating myself won't fix it. On the contrary, it makes my anxiety worse and it pushes people away. So I do my best. It's draining. Some days it's more difficult, and it takes me a lot more time and courage to answer to people. Sometimes I lose the battle. But I try, I really do.

So now : When I say I have social anxiety and that it is hard for me to answer, please be patient with me. It's not that I don't care, I swear.

I hope this post made y'all understand me a bit better.

Maybe it'll help others explain their situation too, who knows.

#ok to reblog #actually autistic #autism #neurodivergent #social anxiety #social phobia #long post #tw : bullying mention #generalized anxiety disorder #fine whine #mental health #panic attack #healing

[littlelightingstriker]

Disclaimer: this post is not made to cause anger or to insult the Serbian government, it is simply made to report on the news what has been going this past days. Some of the information might be to strong, so please read on your own risk. People who are mention in this story will remain anonymous for their own safety.

#Serbia now:

On the 7th of July,2020, president Vučić announced that Belgrade will be closed and have a curfew between Friday and Monday and that more than five people should not be in the same space together. He talked about a lot of things like how many people are being tested, the possible 'lies' the government has been saying, Novi Pazar, a city located in south-west Serbia, who is in a critical situation because of COVID-19, respirators and many more. He talked about how people need to understand that this virus in not a joke in any possible way and people need to take more action and protect themselves and their family. The problem is half of the population does not believe the virus is either real or that it does not have the affect to enter the human body that fast. People are confused and keep asking the same question that nobody can answer. When he announced the possibility that people will have to stay the whole weekend in their homes, many people were frustrated with the decision and did not want to take his words for real. At the evening, massive numbers of people gathered at the National Assembly and started protesting. The protesting was not in anyway ' peaceful ' but ended being a disappointing vandalism.

Three cars and a police van were on fire. The damage was immediately posted. Hundreds of thousands of dinars are worth of damage.

Torches, tear gas, oysters and glass bottles were being thrown between the protesters and police.

Many people were injured and many police man were hurt. "It was a disaster. We tried stopping them but there were to many." said one policeman.

One of the protesters wanted to break in the National Assembly but were thrown out by the police.

Two men stopped an ambulance that was driving to the hospital with rotations. The two men were punished for their actions and many were disappointed with them.

Protesters DID NOT WANT any politician to join them and act like they care for citizens' rights.

Ana Brnabić was disappointed to see citizens' of Belgrade acting like 'h**li**ns'.

Kosovo was/is also another reason why people turned against Vučić.

Vučić was in the National Assembly but quickly evacuated with the situation going around.

A video of three men being hit and be*ten by the police after rejecting to leave the park was filmed and posted on different sites. The three men were laying on the ground in pain as the police left them.

A man, lost his father due to COVID 19 and blamed the government for lying about having enough respirators. He claimed his father was not given the treatment that was promised and was one of the most critical patient (and many other) in Belgrade. "This is for you, dad. I know you are watching and you are proud. I love you,dad. This is for you!" Said the man. After this video resurfaced the internet, everyone was angry that president Vučić lied about 'having enough respirators' and many left comments that they were not surprised and what a disappointment this country is for believing the words that come from the television.

Protesters are being accused of spreading COVID 19.

97% had masks but still did not distance.

Lockdown will be decided by the crisis staff.

The 8th and 9th of July,2020:

President Vučić has decided he will NOT make the decision about Belgrade. He admitted he has no right to make a decision he isn't to sure how to control.

Many faces were supporting the protest and they were not citizens' of Serbia. -Vučić.

Criminals were mention that they were the ones who were 'trashing' Belgrade.

COVID 19 has no connection with voting, football games etc.

Vučić kept bringing people down while making his people 'world leaders' and 'only hopes for Serbia'.

05.10.2000. is a wish protesters want to come true. ( The fall of Milošević)

Vučić is in shock why people keep bringing his country down while he is doing everything to make it 'grow'.

There will be rules for Belgrade no matter what.

Novi Sad, Niš, Kragujevac also started protesting.

Tonight (9th July.) protesters are peacefuly protesting and tend to keep it that way.

Politicians are calling out h**li*ga*ns and cri**na** after 'destroying Belgrade' and doing vandalism 'on purpose'.

Many people are angry that Belgrade is being in the situation where it's not safe anymore and being trashed by some idiots who don't even live there or came from a different city. They are accused of 'pretending to be Belgraders'. It is proven that they are more than 80% Belgraders in the world then in the own city. Belgrade is composed from all citizens' across Serbia.

Students are protesting after being told they have to leave their dorms for the third time because they need to be prepared for COVID 19 patients. "We don't feel safe. We want our rights!".

Protesters are being called out for fighting for their rights.

Politicians are calling protesters 'criminal slaves' for wanting to remove Vučić.

"We aren't allowed to stand for our rights. They tend to keep us locked when we thought everything is going undercontrol. They are playing for our rights. I lost my friend because she was told to stay home even though she had other medical problems. Instead of celebrating her birthday, I was mourning her name and crying. He (Vučić) doesn't care about us, he just wants the money. He has it. He is building Belgrade on Dunabe and he still thinks we care about some stupid project. How are we not going to protest? I do not like and I am against harmful and disgusting behaviour some people showed the first day and even now, but we can't just stand here and pretend everything is okay. He stole votes and as soon as he secured his seat, this country got even worse. How are we suppose to live here? How can we try and stay positive after everything he has done. My family lives in Kosovo. He gave it. He just sold that land like nothing. He doesn't care about people. He acts like a human but even the facade can't cover his personality. No one can look up to us and that's okay. We don't want '99 again. We want peace. We all want, all of us, we want to breath not to feel pressured. We tell our kids to get the hell away from this country and to never look back. There is no future here. We all know that. He always breaks his promises. Kids grow up and become adults, what children is he talking about?! Where is their future if he is only building Belgrade? What about the South? East? West? Where are their rights?! We are all equal and we all deserve so much more. We have to pray and hope for the best, but in this life we are always going to be left down. " a woman gave her thoughts about protesting.

Other reason's why people want to dismiss Vučić:

He promised everyone 100 Euros when COVID 19 became serious in Serbia. He realised his mistake and ended up giving the money to retired people and people with special needs. Other had to register. He went from helping to you have to do this so I don't embarrass myself.

People were paid to come and cheer for Vučić when he would give speeches.

He lied about the respirators.

People believe that the number of positive patients fell just so that elections could happen.

After elections, Serbia became the worst in numbers of positive cases.

Before elections 50-94 cases, 10-20 respirator patients, almost everyone is cured, Serbia is almost done with COVID 19.

After elections 300+ cases, 120-130 respirator patients, 1000+ in hospitals, 1000+ in isolation, Serbia the most critical on Balkan.

He knew Novi Pazar was going to blow up. He did not do anything.

Belgrade hospitals do not have respirators.

Belgrade has a population of 1 million residents and yet doesn't have the medical needs.

He doesn't have a full government. What kind of country is Serbia then?!

Something that cannot be answered:

Why do people who die from other reasons are COVID 19 victims?

How come the number of cases grew?

Did the government lied all this time?

Was professor Kon right all this time?

Why are people not in hospitals if positive?

How to isolate if you do not have your own bathroom and kitchen?

Why are there no punishments for not wearing a mask?

Is there really a vaccine?

Is the virus real? Is it possible to make it disappear?

Opinion:

Vandalism is not the answer. People have every right to judge Vučić. He is not that bad, but he is not a sweetheart either. Luckily people are peacefully protesting and want to learn to have manners. The police is trying everything to not fight the protesters. Punishing other people for the damage is not right. Being called disgusting names from politicians needs to STOP! We are all people with a heart, we say and do things we should not but that is not the point. Being called a cri**na* is disgusting. Everyone is frustrated with the virus going on but we have to be reasonable. If you are someone who lost a loved one due to COVID 19, my heart goes for you and everyone you love and care about. This is a scary year. It's breaking my heart so many people died not only because of COVID 19. The virus is not the main problem here. People are. This going on in Belgrade is eye opening. It shows people want a break. They want freedom. They want, like every other country, to feel safe. I totally understand the point of view from some people. I ,too, also know there is no future in Serbia until someone really comes and actually cares for people. If territory and fake promises are more relevant then a person breathing, my God save us.

Comment's about Vučić

We are a small country and we never were known for good things, but honestly, how can we have that if we don't have a leader?

Lies and lies. Breaking promises. Being disgusted with people that don't like your way of ''handling" a country. Manipulate people and bringing them down. Having politicians spit on your people?

Is that a joke or is Vučić going to take this seriously.

Kosovo is more important than people?

How cruel do you have to be?

How disgusting that sounds.

We are told people are dying for God's sake and yet you talk for 2 hours and that is it.

Tito is rolling in his grave.

Liar!

Why does anyone expect something good from Vučić?

Oh Serbia, poor little Serbia.

- comments from different sources.

For more information of these protests, feel free to look them up. I gave my personal opinion and I missed a lot of information about this protests but I shared the ones that needed to be put here.

If you are someone from Serbia, feel free to speak and to be free. If you wanted a change and did not get it, either run or keep blessing this country. You deserve much more. You'll get past everything. Keep running. Fight peacefully. Be normal and be mature. I wish everyone so much and pray everyday we get some peace and actually feel like people.

Don't look up to politicians. Nušić told us everything we need to know.

Be safe while protesting! Keep yourself safe and don't let a politician ruin your life. Bring back the rights and the light we all need.

Bring Serbia where she should be.

Not underneath.

#serbia #protesting #safe #people #equal rights #belgrade #news #hope

[mentalhealthcats]

Hey, I'm just here to vent, sorry. I'm in a bit of a tough spot right now, my mother said I could get a therapist, months later, she still hasn't, and I go to the doctor for the first time in 2 years, because she never schedules and my father is useless, my doctor said I needed a therapist. It has been another month, It's getting worse, and I feel so horrible, but I can't remind her because she'll snap, she does whenever you remind her of things she's taking forever to do. To top it all off, I got lead poisoning (which was on purpose) I found out there was chipping lead paint on my windowsill, so I ate a ton of it when I felt sad as a sort of coping mechanism, that or a plea for attention, but what good did that do me? The second my parents finished telling me about how I had lead poisoning, they moved on to talking about my sister, and how she needs to get tested, and how she's the one to be concerned about, and I care about my sister, but that hurt. Everything's been about her ever since she tried to kill herself. That was hell. I want to cut myself again. My sister found out I used to cut myself, and started checking my forearms every day, and took away all my sharp objects, but she stopped checking, and she no longer cares when I take scissors to my room. My parents knew, they didn't care, didn't say a word to me. I told them I thought it was lead paint. I told them, I knew it all along, and they brushed me off like a bug. My father will admit to that, he said sorry, I accepted it on the outside only. My mother has not appologized, she laughs it off like she laughed when I told her I had been sexually assalted when I was in 3rd grade. I am tired, tired of listening to my sister cry to her SO every night over Discord, of opening the door and eaves dropping because I can't stop myself, I'm tired of lying, and how easily people will buy outrageous cover stories. My sister actuallu bought "I hit my arm on the cactus next to my bed" as an explenation for clean, clearly self inflicted slits on my arm. I am tired of fearing a name because of the girl that had that name who got mad at me when I got the school councelor involved when she told me about her abusive father, and showed me her self abuse scars on the bus home from school, after she got mad at me the day before the big field trip, and sent me a string of enraged texts that hit the nail on the head for what I was insecure about after telling the councelor, after I spent a day on the field trip, glancing around nervously, only to be met with the seething glare of her mother, after "making up" when she decided it was ok again, after she talked about her being mad at me like it was no big deal, but in reality, it had caused my first panic attack ever. Once I walked in on my sister making me a gift for christmas, she screamed at me to get out, and so I did, quickly, I went to my room and cried. She soon came into my room, not to appologise, but to forgive me, for walking into her room, when she called me in. I have panic attacks when people are mad at me, and get extremely enraged when people want me to spend time with them instead of allowing me to be alone. I am sad when people text me, because I hate talking to people, and when they don't, I get lonely. They do not. No one likes me, I am second fpr everything, never a first choice. I am a regect, a table scrap, I am noone's best friend, and noone is mine. Pintrist's best friend crafts make my heart ache. I do not cry, I cry so very rarely, that I wish to cry every waking moment, to releave some pressure, because I am so stressed. I think i'm gonna start eating apple seeds, I am fed up with life.

There’s certainly a lot going on here and I’m truly sorry that this is your reality. I’ve had a few experiences similar to yours regarding dismissive parents and attention being placed on siblings instead but of course i can’t exactly relate to what you’re going through because i am not you. My biggest advice would be to build a support system. I know this is not as easy as it sounds but it is possible. Social anxiety can make you nervous around new people and depression can make you want to isolate. But you have to defy those urges and meet like-minded people. Family doesn’t have to be just people who are blood related to you. The second thing i would suggest is to find some different outlets that replace self harm urges. There are different types of coping mechanisms that are healthy that range from self soothing to taking out emotions in a healthy way. Crying can work for both of these. But of course me or the Internet can not replace a real professional but there is some ways to help yourself. Finally you must advocate for yourself. I find this to be the hardest for me since i am very passive and not assertive. But things will change for the better if you do. I realize all these things are difficult to do but they are necessary. I really wish you the best and i know things can get better for you.

#mh cats #mental health #tw self harm #answered

[mrmotlatsimotseki]

Realms ringtone

I am numb/

Lost way too many precious people to fit this tribute prose/

The silent encrypted message is torn/

I often dial y'all up knowingly/

That you'll never respond to the call/

But this keypad's button corresponds to/

Is this ordered?

Maybe the patterns has changed or you no longer using the same number/

I too (2) wish to converse for (4) a moment/

Yearning sicks/seeks (6) an uncaptured aid (8) to lavish upon death.

Is this normal?

My opulent disorder is rotten/

Tell me,

When are you willing to pick up the device or have a decency to reply back?

Is the data or information too much to download?

Should we find the hotspot and mimickly upload where we could have been?

To browse through an eternal life.

I'm worn out of writing you letters/

Help me fathom how cruel it feels, that the voicemail is something I have to live by/

I seldomly erase the memories to format moments and discard (diss card) everything we shared/

Some don't even have a recollection of that note and sound/

Is my cochlea working?

It seems like the answer I'm looking for falls off on deaf ears/

Yeah, that's pity awesome.

Blind shouldn't lead the blind...

How ignorant my self-own (cellphone) insecurities never bugs/

A dwelling place is interrupted by low signals/

It's time to reconnect the network properly/

Allow me to recharge the batteries and secure this appointment (disappointment)/

Walk with me as we learn to unblock mysteries/

To unlock victories that are pinned to passwords (past words)/

Disciple with me diligently.

To protect whatever covers the journey/

Bundles hasn't depleted as yet/

Let them screenshot the directions which shall save energy to humor the profile/

To break free from a cycle of martyrs/

Too many time we err (air) tales, I know we weary/

Sometimes far off reach to discover wolves in sheep's clothing/

We tired, wa are tired!

Let's check where this is herd{hea(r)d}/

So lead us (leaders) into the promised land/

Where valleys of acacias cup never runneth over/

A dessert is a stream poised with calamity/

However way, we still searching, we stil searching [sigh 😟]

Soul's suffering of torture,

Has been convicted with crimes/

I bare testimonies of these lies/

Truth can never witness how I bury these lines/

Whoever summons this judgement bears no rights/

With these lawsuits (law suits) intending to expose my naked nature.

I've been through a lot!

Tormented numerously to defend my accused self falsely/

Allerged to defame prosecution, handcrafted with episodes of deceitful stories/

Its evidence is displayed by these plantiff potrayed potrait/

However way I did play my deity part/

By unfolding meaning of these hidden scriptures/

Treasured by my own actions, a film of series coming to an end/

All demons casted had their roles scripted/

A sequel of freedom to understand parables/

The temple of God is ruined, bowed to its injustice!

Shamefully scattered by convoluted customary, systemic and elementary beliefs/

No form of any religious views can console me/

There's a music in my ears

Strings are off tune, the melody sync (sink) rhythm of the heartbeat without words/

Magnificently to hook up the syntax (sing text) of the chorus by reinventing the new Him (hymm)/

A chapter is slowly patching the hears(e) to come closer/

This verse confirms that the preaching is almost done the prayer in session/

Podium - the altar, this is MY CHURCH!

I'm ready to depart this desolate world/

To march through this marathon called life/

High Source increase the rabbit pace/

This mark has ran its course to catch demise(the mice)/

Everything's mapped out in accordance/

Atlas co-ordinates(coordinates) matches the correct destiny/

No, this isn't a clout(d) chasing or attention seeking/

It's a cry out for help.

No ordinary being comprehend this grief; a true quench of thirst/

Been hiding in sorrows, now conscious openly weeps/

Nurture - accept this plead....

My spirit's looking forward to be cleansed with tears of joy/

So open the floodgates of Heaven and let it rain cause this mo(u)rning dawns darkness on me/

Am I eligible enough to receive atonement?

Is the barn full?

Am I harvested?

Did I represent the true gospel?

Have I meditated precepts rightfully?

Have I made it into the Kingdom?

Am I living righteous according to the covenant?

Anyways, don't take my word for it/

I'm just a mortal immoral unprincipled humanbeing with unanswered questions/

I've transcended beyond the realms of existence/

Bask in contrast with isolated chaos/

Flesh will soon descend;

The subtle feeling inside of me has long ascended;

This physique is slightly perishing and eroding;

Now I'm just a shell breathing these sentence I serve/

The golden lampstand is creating the way!

To the late Leducator, Letshego Lechoenyo - The Ides Of March soldier.

I dwell on your quotes:

"Let your life mean something, even in your death.

&

Education, if it's not of the spiritual kind, will benefit you nothing/

Education that edifice the mind but overshadows the heart, is no education at all".

A crime robbed us off you brethren of The Most High/ 😢

Now I can't play chess alone - I checkmate myself!

To Yellow, Tumelo Mokonyane.

A man who taught me brotherhood effectively/

Carved my path into being this refined- molded caring person/

Instilled the spirit of sharing amongst others, that we fabric of the same cloth/

A garment that seem (seam) to neat (knit) a strand of humanity/

Your warmth imparted in me/

Sadly;

A car accident to your lovely wife notified your soul to leave the Earth/

Your innate selflessness still intact,

I miss you dearly brother! 😭

To Mendu, Montwedi Ishmael Lebakeng.

I'm the product of rags to riches, proud to call you mentor/

You've fathered every positive aspect outlook I have/

Doctored a boy to man;

A character of noble kind/

If it weren't for you,

Wouldn't have gathered wealth and rare riches of your knowledge/

Inherited humor, respect, leadership I'm eternally grateful/

For sharing art and leading me to my niche/

Pity;

You've passed on in dire,

The devoured teachings are accustomed and beaded in my being/

Your spirt shall forever live on 😰

To my dad, Tebogo Koos Lekgari.

Your temporary span is equivocally sufficient/

Lost your life on the 26th, buried on the 6th

day of the 6th month,

Just few days later after my 6th birthday in '96,

This 6 symbol baffles me!

I currently reside few streches away where your life was pronounced deceased/

Not too far from the beach that swallowed you/

Whenever I poke steps into that frank ocean,

I drown in tears/

The breeze hoars me.

I see(sea) how quake quivers and waves/

Thus assures(are shores) that we tied(tide) up above the surface/

This is heavy, sometimes frightening!

Movements of this burning desires washes away the scenes (sins/since)/

Whether(weather) we like it or not/

The boiling temperature hits(heats) the deep(dip) spot/

So worry not Father, your Son(sun) is set/

Your brimming brighteness enlightens me. 😥

We shall all meet at the cross roads (crossroads).

So open the floodgates of Heaven and let it rain cause this mourning dawns on me

Learnt to comprehend that life is a mission/

Every second of living get us closer to our Sheol/

Don't neglect your calling/

Respond to the vision/

Experience the dream, for tomorrow is never promised/

Grant your wonderous wishes an opportunity to exist/

Stay true to yourself.

Spend time wisely and appreciate those who love unsparingly and wholeheartedly/

Also, don't forget to check up your strong friends/

Use your gift effectively/

Cause Messiah has left and not returning anytime soon/

An angel has been found to give the Messenger the scroll/

So pardon me if you find this misleading/

Just leave, no

Just live

Live for purpose!

To every ancestor I didn't get to mention/

Your birthmark is arched deeply into the Supreme list/

Please humbly receive my plea with ease/

Oh, by the way;

If you by any chance get to meet my offspring/

Kindly pass the message that I am still here

To everyone I've deeply hurt

Ke hleka leeto la ka joale; le batla le potlakile

Hobane tsela ea ka e telile

Leqeba leo ke le theonkhetseng lona; ka boikokobetso bo boholo ueso, le hlakoloe.

Phephi hle

Ke a tseba ha ho bonolo ho phumula seo ke o entseng sona.

Ho moepa ho a nyolosa

Ha ke motlotlo hohang ka sekhopi seo

Le maemong ao a thata, ke kopa o ntshoarele

Lebitla le nkemetse

This is how my obituary is read

Take care

(c): Motlatsi Motseki https://youtu.be/fYHv5RH7V-4

[motherofkrypton]

New Friends

For some kids it can be very hard to make friends for a multitude of reasons. When I was young it was social anxiety and bullying that turned me to isolation. From being made fun of for quite literally everything I shut myself down and mainly kept to myself. Friends that I did make were usually people that had approached me first. At one point I was made to tell of 1 friend that I made that day or in the least 1 person I spoke to. This led to really bad social anxiety because I was being told I had to speak to people (the speech was one thing I was majorly bullied for growing up because guess what...I couldn't even say my own name properly due to it having the letter "R" in it!). This caused me to develop social anxiety. Every negative thing a person could possibly think of me would run through my head, if someone glanced my way and laughed my brain told me that they were making fun of me even if they weren't, my breathing would become labored and it would feel like I had a gorilla sitting on my chest. Then of course many expect children to act certain ways without any consideration to the child themselves.

Recently this sweet little girl had come over to play with the neighbor's kid but she didn't want to at the time. It's quite obvious that I have kids by just looking at my front yard, for safety purposes I have a baby play fence blocking an area for my kids to run around in, and then there are the millions of toys that no matter how many I pick up just seem to magically multiply! I happened to be taking the trash out when she excitedly asked me if my kids could play. Happy with the possibility of them making a friend I said "of course, they can they love to play!" Yes, I desperately needed to remain online doing my surveys to make money but...them having a friend was more important to me. When I asked them if they wanted to play they came running out, my daughter (4-years-old) had been so excited she didn't even think to put clothes on and ran out the door in her undies until I pointed out she needed pants on lol! That also meant that I had to come too and it was difficult for me but dealing with children comes easier for me than dealing with anyone else. They played for hours and I was pleasantly surprised that she even happily played with their younger brother.

My daughter has epilepsy so she reacts to things a bit differently which I am trying hard to work with her on. Often I am telling her to be careful and asking if she is feeling okay (we were approved to try coming off her medication recently!) because I worry. I ended up with a perfect teaching opportunity when suddenly she had a meltdown of course, if you don't know about something you will judge based on what you do know and that is normal. She started to tell me that she shouldn't act that way and asked why she reacted the way she did. Her brother, knowing that she has this thing for these little plastic ducks she has, had brought some of them outside and had begun throwing them leading into a fit of rage then her sitting on the ground wailing as if she was being physically hurt. Many believe that epilepsy is just getting the shakes when there is so much more to it than that. That led to explaining the best I could to a child what epilepsy is and how sometimes someone can have a problem that you cannot see.

They now have been playing together for some time and it's exciting to watch them all just enjoying being together. A few more kids have somewhat joined in playing as well. I'm still trying to teach my kids how sometimes people just don't want to play or they can't. Every once in a while my oldest son (6 years-old) takes it hard when others don't want to play with him but I always tell him "no matter what you will always have friends you have me and your siblings too!" It completely eats my energy for the day...and I wouldn't want it any other way. I might be tired or desperately need to work for a while at times but they are only young once. I'm hoping to soon get something for all of the kids to be able to play on and just set it up behind my fence. There isn't any place really close for kids to play and it opens up the opportunity for even more friends to be made. Always encourage kids to make friends but never force it and remember that not everyone is the same so teach kindness every chance you can.

[acnearms]

I feel clueless to my real mentality, the times I've had to double check that there wasn't something there. Disabling dreams am I in hysterics or just a banged head. I haven't heard of it for years I'm trying to stay afloat but I'm too lonely sometimes and sometimes that's all I want. Isolation is the best form of medicine that I prescribe to myself, I have to get out of the house everyday or I go back at least 6 months. Not sure if this is a confession or I'm exhausted or that I'll regret this. I have no money and I need some sort of therapy that soothes my repression since I was 5. Something big and I can't get out of it. Maybe if I attempted to solve something of my life I'd be able to move on, I'm horrendous, I'm idiotic. I'm not doing too well but it's ok this happens every summer especially when I'm on my period. I'm on my period now and that's probably why I'm writing this now. The past 2 years have been magnificent, wonderful, utterly bitter. I didn't know until last year that I'd repressed something that was the beginning of it all. Well I wouldn't say that actually, but the end of my childhood at least. I'm not suggesting anything and I'm not writing anything about it. I have no friends really, people are always on their phones, always wanting to be approved. Call me and tell me how you're really feeling, what your thoughts are, don't fabricate anything. I'm too shy I suspect and I'm working on changing that even slightly. My health has deteriorated but I'm ok with that, they always told me when you're in your 20s everything goes down hill. I'm 21 now. I never thought I'd last. It's been lonely but I've made up my mind. I have one year left of my degree, I'm never going back home again. Relationships are torn and I'm too tired to repair them, I get awoken by the birds every morning at 5am. I go to bed too early. I'm not repairing something that was never healthy. Anyway I haven't eaten properly in a while, I barely eat in the summer. Searching and searching I leave my studio light on and I always get the best ideas when I've had my sleeping medication. Nothing's really changed but it has really, there's not enough time for it all. This is all not making sense, I'll be waiting all my life for that. I'm content, I'm warm, I'm 21 and I'm still searching. Frantically, morbidly, I can only remember yesterday by the clock that's stuck on Wednesday the 28th. I'm always lying to myself saying I'll write, saying my neck doesn't hurt anymore. Disposable promises to myself for myself, for no other. How are you supposed to survive in this economical climate - I'm glad I don't have a television. Things are happening to slowly, too fast. I need to get another job so I can survive over summer. I need Bergman and a good cry. Everything is too beautiful, I sit on my chair and I wonder what it's like. I wish I was full and I'm not, I never have been. Two years of roughness, scraping by. It's all good, I don't want it no other way. Make love to me, don't think I won't love you. It's damp, it's cold, I'm always on time with my washing, my socks aren't white anymore. I haven't a care for any material, just a hand to hold, my ABBA always the saviour of my soul, always singing - I don't care for music as much anymore either. I'm too scared from last time and I refuse to make a picture - tie them with a melody and lyric and lynch myself with it. I don't think I'm anything - my sex, my age, my sexuality is just something that puts me in sync with the rest of the world. I'm typing and it's always too slow. Now I'm logged in and ready to fufill my purpose, your six legged chair is too stable. I'm too private, I'm too extravagant. There you are. I'm not being funny mate but I'd rather be eating KFC right now. I'd rather be defreezing my frozen food right now. I've got too many dialogues in my head, with myself, with people I've never met. It's understood that I'm simply throwing up words and creating a sentence but this is that I truly feel this is what I want the world to know! I haven't a bone in my body that is leaking with

#personal

[koreihanna]

OPEN LETTER TO THE ONES STAYING UP LATE

Dear You,

People ask me how I have the perfect balance for everything.

Academics.

Advocacy.

Social life.

It's always honestly a Mexican standoff of not sleeping and finishing everything before the deadline to get a good sleep. And between these two, my own self is always my biggest enemy. Perhaps, it's the same retelling for you. I hope you do not get bored of this and scroll along and hear me out.

I am someone who likes to do so many things at once. Jack of all trades they say. What a flattery. However, just like Jack, I am a master of none. I am just an average who also misses deadlines, doesn't even study on a regular basis, procrastinates, and sometimes fails. I cannot even answer online oral recitations because honestly, this transition to new normal also changed me. Sometimes, I feel like grinding. And most days, I am gravely discouraged.

If you ask me to write about how I have been coping up in these trying times, I would return the paper to you--answerless. I honestly don't know. For someone who isn't fond of sugarcoating, I have about a hundred profane words I keep telling to myself every single day. I have bad habits of self-harm. While I look like the active and bright girl who can complete assessment scores, attend seminars, and can chill out with those that I love, I also have the tendencies of being dysfunctional due to distress. And while this is a personal experience, I know that I am not an isolated case. Depression is universal; it can happen to anyone. And it is high time that we open our minds to this. It's midnight now and I am sitting in my dimly-lit room with only my laptop as the light source, I am tapping away what I think could be a perfect explanation of what goes on in our minds 24/7. This is us wanting to be heard telling you glimpses of our vulnerabilities sprinkled with a little bit of courage. I hope you take the time to read and not misjudge.

My day starts around 10:00 AM. Too late for breakfast, too early for lunch. But I might as well just eat. I don't purposely do that though. My body clock would automatically shoot sad hormones around 2:00 AM that only water and self-assurance could appease, at least not entirely because nobody cares about mental health. It happens everyday, I lose sleep. The outcomes are often too unfavorable and in the end, I finish nothing. Literally nothing. Then, I would ask for help. One time, a family member told me that I just lack sense of responsibility and that I have nowhere to go in life if I keep dismissing everyone and everything. I suddenly had the urge of picking up a blade and just pierce myself and end it there.

You know where I found myself? In a prayer mat. Alhamdulillah.

But it isn't magical, it's spiritual because I was nowhere near healed. Why? Because I can't do it--alone. I need someone to be there.

This is the reality of mental health; the need for God, support sytem, acknowledgement, and validation. This is no way well-written because as I am writing, I am also trying to organize the things I want to hear from people whenever anxiety creeps in at night and I am crying for help. If you are reading this now, my message didn't find you by accident. Whether we know each other or not, I sense that you are not okay. It's fine to feel that way because I am here. You are not alone, someone in this planet is also wishing for a company now and it's so nice to feel that maybe, even at a distance, we are together. Alone but together.

Do not tune out just yet because there will come a day where the heat of the sun won't feel like a slap on your skin anymore, its warmth will embrace you so you don't feel cold and life will blow wishes of wellness towards you. Keep praying, don't give up. I hope by then, we can meet each other and tell our stories of how glorifying it is to have survived an atrocity between ourselves and how we feel. For now, though, you are allowed to wet your pillows, to write your emotions, to bail out, to cancel plans, and to protect your space because you are valid. To end, I would like to quote my favorite, perhaps most common but nevertheless, a meaningful verse from Quran, that says: “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (2:286)

Best regards,

Reihann

[chriswhitewolf]

Okay so, as a kind of continuation of this post,

My dad is being even more of an asshole than he normally is, which is kinda saying something given he's a pretty big ass most the time (I've given up watching shows on the TV because he'll come home with half an hour left in my movie or whatever and immediately, second he's through the door, tell me he's 'taking his tv back's and will kick me off. So I don't even try to watch anything unless it's on my laptop or it's with my brothers or I'm certain he'll be gone for two plus hours).

But he's being a huge ass, and so I retreat to my room (which isn't really a safe place to me, since it's my parents house and I have severe trust issues with anything and everything, but I digress).

I'm sitting casually on my bed, door closed, just kinda mentally and quietly fuming about his latest bullshit, when suddenly I get a single thought.

If I killed myself neither he nor my mom could do this shit/put me through this shit.

And the second it came to my head I shut it down, but now I'm like actually really friggen concerned? Cause this thought reminded me that I used to have this exact thought All. The. Time.

Like my sophmore year I worked at an ice cream diner place, and would normally get home around two or three in the morning (and then wake up at 6). But I distinctly remember that there were a good six or seven months where I would pull the car up to the house, cut the engine, and spend two or so minutes debating on whether I go inside the house and have to deal with my parents the next morning/afternoon, or if I get out of the car, leave the keys, and walk (in a polo shirt and black slacks, no jacket or nothing) through the snow to the park, which takes maybe ten minutes if you go slowish, and lay down on a snow covered bench and stay there till morning.

It was almost nightly. I'd get home and sit around seriously considering laying on a park bench midwinter in a shirt and slacks instead of going inside. I knew full well that I'd very likely get hypothermia despite having to be awake by five thirty if I wanted to be at school on time, and I knew there was a chance I could very well freeze to death if I did it.

But I still honestly wanted to. I would honestly have rather freeze to death on a park bench than go to my bed because if I went to my bed I knew I would have to see my parents that day.

And it's not just that one instance. I can remember times where I legit thought I should kill myself, or purposely get myself killed by doing something that could very well be deadly, because dying meant Not Going Back.

Dying meant I didn't have to listen to my mom tell me we both needed to lose weight and diet when I was a young teen. Dying meant not seeing my dad and instantly worrying if he was gonna get mad at me for something I had or hadn't done that I hadn't thought of before. Dying meant not sitting isolated in my room because feeling alone was better than seeing them.

I am not a natural introvert. I don't usually crave isolation. I crave people, in a way of wanting to be near another person even if we just sit quietly in a room and do our own stuff.

But sitting alone, completely isolated from everyone in my room for almost the whole time I'm at home? That's easier to bear. It's easier to deal with the suffocating loneliness and my mind screaming at me that no one cares and I don't matter than to step out of my room and be subject to the words and actions of my parents.

I'd rather cry myself to sleep feeling worthless for my thoughts than cry myself asleep because my dad called me any variation of stupid, or because my mom told me I was too heavy or said I was an hoarder or that my emotional attachment issues where I can't bring myself to get rid of anything that's not actual garbage paper and wrappers without a tsunami of depression and dabilitating emptiness hitting me.

Feeling alone I can handle, I've done it my whole life.

Being told how worthless I am by the people who brought me into this world is too much to bear.

I still manage though, I guess. Sure I have huge breakdowns every few months/years, but for the times in between those I manage to pretend everything's fine and it doesn't matter.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't survive here and there's no real viable way for me to get away.

#Spotify

[5hfanfiction]

Too Close To Home - Chapter 17

“Hey LA, how are you guys feeling tonight?” I say breathlessly through the microphone while the crowd roars through the night, “you guys have been really awesome tonight and I feel like I should make it up to you guys.

"That was actually the last song on my set but how do you guys feel if I hold you guys back for another song?” Another loud cheer erupted from the audience as a sign of approval.

“Well, instead of singing a song from the album, how about I do a cover instead?” I ask rhetorically as one of the guys backstage brings a guitar to me.

I sit down on one of the steps and looks through the crowd.

This week has been a really long week. From my birthday to all the drama I’ve gone through.

After Lauren left at night yesterday, I regretfully turned on my phone, only to receive dozens of calls from the management and my parents.

My parents do know that I like girls, but they also think that I should hide it because of how hateful the world can be. Because once you’re famous, you tend to get scrutinized and everything you do are evaluated into something completely different. So my parents believe that if I come out to the public, I would get more hate and they know that I can’t handle them.

I’m a people pleaser and I’m pretty sure everyone knows that. So if you can’t do the one job that describes you, what the hell are you doing?

Over the past few years, I’ve gained fame and fans. But naturally, I’ve also gained haters.

So the call with my parents were more of them being worried for my reaction to the news than anything else. They didn’t care that I had sex with a random chick, they didn’t mention the fact that I basically have a naked picture for everyone to see now, they were just worried about what I would do as a result to the impending hate I would get.

The last time that it was this drastically dramatic was when I quit the group. I isolated myself from my family and friends for 3 days, too much of a coward to see everyone’s reaction. I was also sort of depressed and that’s probably why they’re worried now.

I actually love them for this.

The meeting with the management was something else though. It consisted of them scolding me and threatening me for being stupid enough to have sex with a girl without something called an NDA. I mean seriously, this isn’t Fifty Shades of Grey; I wasn’t abusing the chick for gods sakes.

But the meeting was nothing I couldn’t handle so at the end of the day, I was fine.

They decided not to sue the girl for taking a picture of me without my consent. They didn’t want to make a bigger deal out of it.

How I repay the management was by booking an interview on my break next week. That interview will be scripted about how I was drunk and stupid that I wasn’t at thinking clearly. Which was true to that extent, but they said that I will say it convincingly as if I’m a straight girl who had a one time thing with another girl.

When I heard what my reparations were, I felt stupid for hoping that things would change.

I feel like a puppet. Every part of me is controlled publicly. Everything I do on social medias go through them first. And not only in that sense, I also feel controlled in general. Like, seriously… Why should I ‘repay’ for something I do at my own will if I was merely doing something any human could? They’re going against human rights but they don’t care. It’s ironic how they asked me to advertise human rights in public when they, themselves, contradict that belief.

Being at the receiving end of their ruthlessness sucks balls.

Then, a few hours ago, Dinah came to the suite and basically pushed me to tell her what’s happening between Lauren and me. And I did. I trust her enough to know that she won’t tell anyone about it.

I started telling her about the AMAs last year where Lauren came to me in the dressing room. Then I told her about Lauren and Lucy’s fight; which surprised Dinah, indicating that she didn’t know anything about their relationship. I told her about our fight on the beach and how we started being friends again. She just listened, not interrupting me unless it was needed.

It felt good to finally tell someone about it. I mean, I did tell Ashlee but she’s MIA now so she doesn’t know what happened the past few days.

With Dinah, she knew about our relationship since the beginning. She was there to witness it firsthand. Ashlee only heard what I told her so it’s pretty biased since I tend to victimize myself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate her as well.

Lauren was pretty busy today, recording in the studio when she was supposed to yesterday. Instead of doing that, she accompanied me through my breakdown and I am eternally grateful for that.

We didn’t see each other today but she said that she’s coming to my concert; just a bit late.

I’m just hoping she’s here right now because the song I’m about to cover is obviously about her.

[XYLØ - I Still Wait For You (assume it's acoustic)]

Sometimes I feel like I can't remember Waking up with you when we were together I lost my temper, you left at midnight We saw the tears fall like rain on the headlights

It was always you and me How could we be nothing, nothing? I know that we don't speak But if I could ask you one thing, one thing?

Why can't we fucking get along? Forget everything we did wrong 'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you No, I don't want this to be true This beautiful disaster is you 'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you

(But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you I still wait for you

Lately I can't sleep, I flip the pillow Tossing and turning and checking my cellphone My head is a mess and so is my bedroom I write a text then delete it, "I love you"

It was always you and me How could we be nothing, nothing? I know that we don't speak But if I could ask you one thing, one thing?

Why can't we fucking get along? Forget everything we did wrong 'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you No, I don't want this to be true This beautiful disaster is you 'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you

(But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you I still wait for you

Every second feels like forever Where the fuck you been? Are you listening? Don't know what you've got until it's gone and Baby, all I need is you to tell me

Why can't we fucking get along? (I still wait for you) Forget everything we did wrong (I still wait for you) 'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you No, I don't want this to be true (I still wait for you) This beautiful disaster is you (I still wait for you) 'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you

(But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you (But everyday, I still wait) I still wait for you

'Cause you've been the one You know this will never change But everyday, I still wait for you

…

I am now in my dressing room, changing my performance costume to jeans and a tshirt, too tired to make an effort to beautify. It’s not like I’m going to out after this anyway. I’m just going to the tour bus and head our way to San Diego, California.

A knock woke me from my trance after I finish changing.

“Come in..” I call out.

Lauren’s smiling face pop in before walking inside. As she closes the door, I got confused.

“Where are the other girls?”

“Umm.. They’re not here. Did they say they were coming?” She asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh… When you said you were coming, I assume it was the whole group.”

“Nope, just me,” she shuffles her feet awkwardly. She has a hand on her back.

She brings her hand to view, holding a white rose, along with a gift bag.

“These are for you; as a fare well gift if you must. Since it’ll be a month until we meet again.”

“Umm… We’re all going to the KCAs on 31st March, aren’t we?”

“Yeah… My point exactly, next month.”

“No it’s not.. it’s this month. It’s in less than 4 weeks,” I tease, knowing that this would tick her off. She hates it when people correct her.

“It’s the same-” She stops, collecting her irritation back, knowing that I’m doing this on purpose. “Technicalities aside, this is for you.”

She holds her hand out. I smile and crush her bones by hugging her tightly. Her head snuggles to the crook of my neck, her smile obvious as her lips touches my neck. Of course it caused my breath to hitch as I realize her lips are on my neck and her breath are hitting my neck, but I held on.

After the little tense moment we had yesterday, we naturally became normal again; as normal as we can be at least. It was pretty awkward at first but after a few hours making jokes and discussing our song, we became fine again.

After sometime, we eventually release our hold on each other. I guide her to the couch on the corner of the room and sit.

“I liked your performance on the XYLØ cover, it was very raw and it seemed personal,” she says with a hopeful tone lingering on it.

“Yeah..” I say, embarrassed at the possibility of Lauren knowing my message. It’s one thing to send a message to someone but it’s another thing to receive a reaction from them.

Another knock filled the room after.

“Come in..” I repeat what I’ve said to Lauren just a few minutes before.

Dua Lipa came into view, with a huge smile plastered on her face. She’s tall, slim and of course, beautiful. She and I were acquainted last year through Charli XCX and we became pretty close after.

She’s actually bi too… Just FYI.

“Heyyy.. I’m sorry, I thought you were alone,” she says with her hypnotizing British accent.

“Oh no.. It’s okay,” I reply, standing up and meeting her halfway to give her a hug.

I sat back on the couch in the middle while Lauren and Dua sat on either side of me.

Talk about beautiful girls huh..

“Hi, I’m Dua,” she introduces, waving her hand on Lauren.

“Oh I know.. We follow each other,” she says simply, probably annoyed that she’s bothering our one-on-one.

Dua didn’t get the unwelcoming tone and lean back on the couch, a smile still tugging on her lips.

“So, Cami… I saw a very interesting article today.” She says with a knowing smirk. I immediately know what article she’s talking about.

I grunt, putting my elbows on my knees and hiding my red face on my hands.

“It’s okay, I think you looked hot actually. The only thing that surprised me was that it was a girl,” She states. I think I forgot to tell her.

“I’m bi, surprise..” I muffle through my hands with no enthusiasm at all.

“Oh.. Well, if I had known, I would’ve chased after you a long time ago,” she says, trying to lighten the conversation by making a joke.

“You suck at calming me down,” I retort.

“I lick too,” she smirk, finally making me laugh from her wordplay. She adds, “You know I wouldn’t judge you for your sexuality right? I’m glad that you came out.”

“Oh, but I’m not. I have an interview next week and say that I was just, and I quote, 'having fun’.”

She grunts, knowing how homophobic the music industry really are.

Actually, at first, her label was against the whole her being bi but she kind of rebelled afterwards. She didn’t go to meetings when she was needed, she purposely made her voice out of tune when recording songs for her album. She even run away at one point. They got tired and eventually let her. They even tried to threaten by putting her job on the line but she called their bluff. And obviously, they lost.

For me however, I don’t think I could do anything that rash. She’s daring and bold while I’m a coward.

I know I should do it, considering it’s possible. But then, I feel like she was lucky than actually tactical. My label also obviously know that I’m friend with her so I don’t think they’ll be as nice to me as they were with her.

As we talk, I realize that Lauren hasn’t said one word to me and her since she sat down, except maybe the awkward greeting.

I look over to Lauren and see her playing with her hand. She looks so small at this moment that all I wanna do is hug her.

I bring my had to her thigh to gain her attention. She looks up and smile softly at me, still jut saying anything. I look back to Dua and continue talking to her but kept my hand on her thigh, squeezing once in a while as a sign that I still want her here.

“Who gave you the rose?” Dua asks when she saw the gift on the coffee table. All the other gifts from my fans are already in the tour bus and this strike out more to say that it’s gifts from fans. Besides, why would I lie?

“Lauren.”

Dua just smirks as I answer.

“We’re just friends,” I say as nonchalantly as I could be while my heart aches when it came out of my mouth.

I feel like I’m hitting something too close to home. We’ve said that in the past before and I feel like we’re repeating history all over again. Only this time, I’m the one who said it.

I know we really are friends right now, but deep down, I’m always hoping that we have something more. It feels like it’s a reminder that I don’t really have her.

“Oh goodie, I have a chance.” Before I can say anything else, Dua continues, “Alright, I think I have to go now. It’s getting pretty late.”

She hugs me and Lauren at the same time and went her way. Before she completely walks out however, she adds, “Also, for the label hiding your sexuality.. We’re gonna do something about it. Bye, love you.”

Lauren and I sit back down with a confused expression etched on each of our faces.

“She reminds me of Vero,” Lauren finally states out loud, “very… flirty.” I just laugh in response.

We spend the whole hour talking, without any disturbance this time, laughing and smiling at each other. She talked about her day in the studio while I talked about the concert I just had.

It felt like old times. And I love it so much.

#UPDATE #series #non AU #camren #angst drama #romance fluff #submission #Too Close To Home

[pointthefingerblametheother]

We both felt this quote hard these last few months. Your kind gestures we're not unnoticed or unappreciated. But they were covering up my deeper depression and lack of self love. You lacked self love too, which is why the knitting bag wasn't enough to make you happy either. There's deeper depression and self loathing that needs to be looked into and helped. We both forgot to love ourselves so we couldn't accept the others' love. When they tried showing it... It sucks. This isolation has not done either of us any good.

I'm so OCD on things that if I can't do things a specific way, then I don't want to do them at all and that leads to avoidance and just trying to get away. The fact I couldn't help myself I felt like a failure and in the end only tried avoiding my own self through games instead of using them as a reward like I used to.

Sorry I threw our memories box contents in the trash... When you weren’t looking I did go back and pull them out of the trash... I did it out of frustration, thinking you left because you didn’t love me anymore. Being human is hard with gut reactions we don't mean and depression and all the emotions that can come up we don't mean to. Doesn't make them any less real that we experience them. But we have to remember the good times. Bad times always outweigh the good times at least 5 to 1 for every instance. There are goof times ahead now that we're at the end of the pandemic. I promise.

I’m glad I still have them... And I'm not getting rid of any stuffed animals or Build-a-Bears like I told you I was going to.. that was very harsh and not meant, because I'm not that cold hearted. I said those things to let you know how bad you were hurting me by leaving... Remember how I would even say I didn't remember where the green dragon came from? That wasn't me. I literally couldn't remember because my depression was blocking it out of my memory. So many memories have been forcibly pushed out by this dark wall of fog. I wrongly blamed my video games for my depression and addiction, but I was blaming the surface symptom. Not the root cause, my depression.

I remember now. And I remember spending the entire day at Wolf Lodge and defeating the dragon together. Also WIZARD QUEST was so fun with you, love! Don't forget these memories.

I had to get off Facebook now because everyone was trying to tell me to just "get over you" and that fucking hurt, because they have no clue what we were like before this pandemic. We were doing so great sharing our love together.. but between you being badgered by another guy to let him in every day and me getting depressed even further since you stopped talking to me about your feelings I just wanted to sit at my computer and wait until I died because I wasn't leaving your side. I promised I would always have your back no matter what, through thick and thin. And my depression prevented that. Out of physical control. You KNOW I extremely rarely say bad things about other people.

The only times I can think of that were purposeful were with Caitlyn publicly shaming the homeless and Leo for taking advantage of your depression to claim you as a trophy... You're not a trophy. You're a human being. I love you for all that you are. Always will accept you for being you but also try and try to help (when you let me), and you stopped accepting me for what I had become and never told me I needed help or wasn't acting my usual self. This happened so slowly over time that maybe you couldn't tell. I don't hate you for that. We can get over this and try again some day. I'm doing all I can to be patient for you.

Talk to a doctor and get help with your depression and thyroid. Part of my depression has been lingering chest pains since working at RTI and daily headaches for over a year now...

You're the most beautiful, intelligent, and kind woman I've ever met who deserves to get the healthcare you deserve. Nobodies perfect nor should you be expected to be such. Take care of yourself for the better of your own future. Because there ARE tools out there that doctors have been trained to use to help make life better and more manageable, but it needs to be kept up consistently. We worshiped each other.. and forgot about taking care of ourselves...

Love and care for your own body and mind. You only get one. 💙💜 There's no reset button on life, just have to move forward and get through this. Get help 💙 for you. I certainly am 💜 for myself. Don't let this pandemic downfall ruin the rest of our lives even if you decide to take it on, on your own.

I still have my lucky crystal, I stopped carrying it when my depression hit and I'm not really sure why. But, I've started carrying it in my jeans coin pocket again. I've carried it around for luck for YEARS now and don't fully understand why I stopped. I think I felt unlucky needing to leave RTI. Nonetheless, it sure doesn't beat having the real Crystal in my arms. Remember how deviststed you were when you lost your ring from this trip to the Dells together?