irritableinsulin

[irritableinsulin]

[irritableinsulin]

She should have known what it would be

When they bonded over a movie about fighting

When the song that they called theirs was called “where is my mind”

When that very song

Played in that very movie

At the end when the couple who treated each other like shit

His split personalities so inconsistent

Who met because of lies

Wanting to kill her, his first thought

They meet again just after he shot himself

He tells her everything will be okay

Then their surroundings explode

She grabs his hand and says

“You met me at a very strange time in my life”

A story so full of chaos, the intense pain, the misunderstood definition of what love was

The toxicity they bonded over

Would be how they lived their lives

Chasing the meaning of it all

Hurting each other on purpose

Trying to love each other and still causing pain

They live that way until the end

Never leaning the difference

Never finding the meaning

Everything ending in a blaze

A blaze we created just because

We wanted to destroy something beautiful

[irritableinsulin]

i don't actually miss anyone from my past i just have a bad habit of creating some sort of idealized version of what i wanted them to be

[irritableinsulin]

[irritableinsulin]

[irritableinsulin]

i wanna be wrapped up into you

[irritableinsulin]

🖤.

[irritableinsulin]

[irritableinsulin]

Introduction

I'm going to introduce myself while also not telling you who I am. People that really know me could probably figure it out if they really put in the effort, but this is for me. Maybe it'll help others too, who knows?

Basically, I think I've completely lost it...or I think I've figured it out. Maybe this is one of those impulsive and irrational moments that I am telling myself is okay and necessary when in reality it's just a huge trauma response.

My struggles aren't special, my traumas just a lot of sad stories amongst all the others. Everyone admires me for how strong I am and how I continue to persevere and make goals despite it all. How well I handle all of my problems and everyone else's. I am the go-to. I am the problem solver. I'm great at it. I just can't figure out my stuff. I can't figure out how to make myself happy. I'm not even sure I can be happy.

The only love I've ever known, has never really been love. Due to my trauma and my endless need to help others since I was so helpless when I was hurting and needed someone. How I overlook the crossing of boundaries and the double standards, because I am too sensitive and insecure. I am always stretching myself thin and trying to help everyone around me while I feel like I'm going to break at any moment.

Maybe some people are on Earth to give love to people who would have never received it otherwise. The more I give of myself, the more hurt I overlook; the harder I love, to bring others happiness, maybe that's my purpose.

Life has been hard lately, like really hard. But that's for everyone. I need to vent and be held and listened to, but it can stress people out and make their lives harder, so that's a no go.

In an attempt to focus on myself and my own healing, as well as reducing a stressor in my life, I have gotten off almost all social media. I have always been super active, even to the point where I was making money from it. But all of a sudden, while scrolling aimlessly and feeling no joy, just anxiety and feeling inadequate, I started thinking about disappearing.

In this day and age, the closest I can get to disappearing is making myself less accessible, therefore, goodbye social media. I don't want people to only think of me or care about me when they see me share a post, worry that I am finally going off the deep end after all these years because I have dark humor that others don't understand and it's interpreted as a cry for help.

Here, I can get my thoughts out without concern of upsetting someone, without fear that people will question my capabilities or my worthy. I don't want to live my life just to prove to others that I made it, I survived.

By doing this, I have further isolated myself. I had already begun isolating myself, a mix of mental illness, stress, and just a lot of chaos making it feel impossible to hang out with friends, or even reply to messages. Without a social media presence, will I just be forgotten? Or worse, will people realize that I'm just not worth the effort to maintain a relationship with?

I don't expect anyone to read this, but I hate physical writing and the notes app just isn't cutting it anymore. Maybe by putting these thoughts and feelings into the universe, I'll somehow figure it out.

#lost #depression #journey #self improvement #self healing #healing #social media