#i am never painting again i cried every second doing this

[lotus-pear]

smoke break

#this was lying around in my drafts for three months and i colored it just now so sry if the art style looks kinda 💀 #teen skk is so special to bc they’re just idiot kids forced to get along and that’s what makes them hilarious #when will the unreleased seventeen light novel come out omfgggggg slamming my head into a brick wall #i need to see them in their peak years. their double black years. the years where they finally learned to trust and grow fond of each other #i am never painting again i cried every second doing this #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #nakahara chuuya #chuuya nakahara #sokouku #skk #lotus draws

[lovebugism]

Spoooooky request, what if the gang went to a haunted house and everyone made fun of reader for being scared, but Steve holds her hand and walks with her 👻

thanks for requesting angel! i switched it up a bit and did a sort of second part to this fic! you def don't have to read it but it'll give some context :D — you're still getting used to the world post-vecna, but it's easier with steve holding your hand

fictober (㇏(•̀ᵥᵥ•́)ノ)

The haunted house off Fifth Street looks strangely familiar. Two stories, faded cornflower paint job, boarded up windows. It looks like a dollhouse from hell. It looks like the goddamn Creel House. It’s like some kind of sick joke.

It didn’t take Hawkins very long to recover from last spring. Mostly because it was just an earthquake to everyone else. No one died, nothing was ruined beyond repair. To the rest of the town, it was just a minor natural disaster — an inconvenience more than anything.

No one knows that a thirteen-year-old girl killed the monster trying to end the world. No one knows that the local freak nearly died saving a bunch of teenagers. No one knows that one song, one heavy metal guitar, and one good memory just narrowly saved your life. 

It’s secrets all of you are gonna have to keep for the rest of your lives. It weighs you down accordingly.

“Am I crazy, or is that…?” Robin trails off, freckled chin tilted towards the velvet blue sky as she gapes at the artificially rotted house. It glows a sickly green color on the outside. The windows light up red every now and then, in time with the screams echoing from the upper story.

“Yeah,” Nancy answers, breathless and equally dumbfounded. “I think it is.”

A beat of silence falls over the group of you. It doesn’t feel so heavy with the surrounding chatter. The crowd continues to bustle around you on the street, falling over themselves with laughter and lingering fright. They have no idea the ghost story they grew up with nearly destroyed the world.

The bitter realization makes your chest ache. Steve seemingly understands this and gives your hand a reassuring squeeze. You wonder if he can feel the way you tremble.

Eddie scoffs a cynical laugh from the other side of you. A pink, sadistic grin tugs at his lips, almost as wild as his curls billowing in the autumn breeze. “It’s basically kismet then, huh?”

Steve shoots the boy a half-hearted glare, then deflates because he realizes he can’t really be mad about it. Those damn demobats might’ve taken a pound of flesh from his stomach, but it’s nowhere near the feast they made out of Munson.

“C’mon on, dude,” he murmurs quietly with a subtle nod down at you.

“What?” Eddie snorts. “If I don’t laugh bout it, I’ll start crying, so… Take your pick, man.”

Steve wants to tell him that there’s no shame in crying. That he’s done it plenty of times since the fall of ’84. He’s cried for you, for himself, for the kids who will never get to be kids again. He figures it’s better than letting it all build up until you damn near explode. 

But now’s probably not the best time for that talk. Or any time, really. He’ll get you to get all serious and sappy with Eddie about that another time, just like you did for him.

“I’m gonna, uh— I’m gonna go get the tickets,” Jonathan murmurs with his usual Byers mumblings. 

He wasn’t around for the whole Vecna ordeal — just the weird shit in California and the secret lair thing in Nevada. He feels like he can be a bit braver about the whole thing for the four of you.

Nancy brushes a kiss to the boy’s cheek before he leaves. She does that a lot now, with Jonathan and all the rest of you. She always feels like she needs to say a proper goodbye and I love you whenever someone leaves. Just in case the world decides to end again.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Steve mutters to you, gaze twinkling with sincerity but stern still. “You know that, right?”

He knows that you know, but he feels the need to say it anyway. Mostly because he knows you were already scared of most things before everything went to shit. You’ve always been delicate, tender, like an open wound. Now, you can’t step outside without shaking. You’re always shuddering with the distant fear that the curse might return and no one will be there to save you.

Steve knows this, too. That’s why he holds so ardently to your trembling hand. It’s a silent reminder that he’s there, that he won’t let anything happen to you again, that he’ll always be around to save you when you need him.

“Oh, my god,” Robin groans, eyes wide and head tilted back. “Leave her alone, Steve! She’s fine!”

You know she’s just trying to be supportive. She thinks Steve’s coddling you because you’re quiet — that he’s sticking up for you because he thinks you can’t stick up for yourself. 

He is. And you can’t. But still, she’s only trying to help.

Steve looks to his left to glare at her. They seem to communicate telepathically for a moment. His eyes soften again when he turns back to you. His deep cinnamon gaze swims with a honeyed concern, a silent “Are you fine?”

You nod. “I’m okay,” you tell him, mustering a soft smile that wavers at the edges.

He doesn’t believe you, not completely, but he doesn’t press it any further.

Jonathan returns with the ticket stubs. They’re black and blood red. You take the one he gives you with hesitant, clammy hands. He seems to notice how terrified you are without you having to say a single goddamn word.

“I’m not a huge fan of these things either,” he confesses with a thin-lipped smile. A light-hearted way of telling you that you’re not alone in the fear you keep hidden (very poorly hidden, you figure).

You smile back at him, but it doesn’t quite meet your eyes. 

Your fingers fidget with the paper stub — maybe a distraction for yourself or maybe to hide how you’re too anxious to stay still. Steve figures it’s a bit of both. ‘Cause he knows you too well and not a thing gets by him. There’s nothing about you that he doesn’t notice.

He turns to face you completely while everyone else gets their ticket. He keeps his wedged between his middle and forefinger as his hands curl around the outsides of your elbows. He’s serious, but still soft — gentle, but still firm. 

“Babe—”

“Stevie,” you interject with a similar tone. “I’m okay.”

“You heard her, Stevie. She’s fine!” Robin retorts, curling her maroon-tinted lips into a smirk. She scoffs out a laugh and gestures up to the fake haunt across the street. “This shit is basically for kids. No one’s dying here, alright?”

You know what she’s doing. She’s sticking up for you and taking the piss out of her best friend at the same time. It’s nothing new — hell, it’s her favorite hobby. She’s got your back now the same way she had it in that house last spring. 

But still, her words sting a little.

Because she’s right. This place is for kids. And you still feel a bit like you’re dying.

Steve knows this, too. He knows everything about you. Even the stuff you wish he didn’t.

His sneakers scuff against the pavement when he turns to Robin. His eyes narrow in a challenging squint as he crosses his arms over his chest. He doesn’t look quite as intimidating as usual in his fluffy, cable-knit sweater. 

“Well, you know what? I’m scared, actually. I don’t wanna do it, okay? You got me, Rob.”

The girl grins something cynical. She shakes her head all slow, like she’s just caught him in some kind of lie. “I knew it. You little baby.”

Steve lets her tease him. It’s not like he isn’t used to it by now. He just rolls his eyes and bears it, lets her laugh about it with the rest of the group as they head towards the haunted house. 

You watch with an attentive gaze while they head inside, flinching softly when you hear a thunderous boom and the sound of their screaming a second later. It leaves you secretly grateful that you hadn’t gone in behind them. 

A wavering sigh tumbles from your lips, a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

Steve exhales a gentle laugh from beside you. He smooths a wide palm up your spine and down again. He leans over to press the side of his hip against yours.

You cross your arms over your chest to make yourself as small as possible while you glance over at the boy beside you. You look at him so far beneath your lashes you’re basically peering at him from the corner of your eye.

“Thank you,” is all you say. It’s all you need to say.

Steve shrugs with a plush, crooked grin. “’S okay. I know you’re too sweet to say no, so…”

“I wanted to do it,” you confess, clearing your throat when your voice breaks.

“I know.”

“I guess I’m not… as used to everything as I thought.”

“I know,” Steve repeats. His hand curls around your waist and makes a home in the very center of it. He pulls you closer with the urge to melt into you. His brows raise, eyes sparkling when his smile widens. “But that’s why I’m here, though, right? We’re gonna get better together.”

You nod up at him, smiling more sincerely now. 

Arms still crossed, your hands ball into fists to fight the urge to smooth a hand through his hair — to push back the rogue chestnut strands hanging over his forehead.

You hesitate, so he beats you to the draw. He swipes a golden hand over his head right before he leans down to kiss you. 

He smacks a sweet peck to your smile. A bright light flashes with another thunderous boom a moment later. You flinch and pull back. You swear you hear Eddie screaming, “jesus fucking christ!” from the upper story. You forget to be scared.

You didn’t think it was possible. The whole getting better thing.

Steve makes you feel like could be.

#published by bug #steve harrington x reader #stranger things x reader #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x you #steve harrington fluff #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington #stranger things #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fic #stranger things fanfiction #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fanfiction #steve harrington fic #st drabbles #stevie drabble #event: fictober!

[luthienne]

there's just something about the fact that sometimes we are genuinely given too much to bear and we think i cannot do this anymore i cannot bear this for even another minute for even another second and then we do. until either the circumstances change or we change how we react to them. and then we have to find the courage to do it again and again and again. and everyone you've ever met has had to experience this in some form because that's just living.

and the knowing that we can never go back to how it was before feels too heavy sometimes. like i can't swallow that sometimes. we drove to my dad's last fall because i couldn't bear my life. we went to go spend the day with him and then just didn't leave because i couldn't bear the thought of coming home and living my life; i couldn't bear the thought of facing the grief that slept there and kept me from sleeping, i couldn't bear the thought of starving in my kitchen and sobbing in my shower and watching my ceiling spin above me from where i wept on my couch.

over the next few weeks we accumulated belongings in my brother's childhood bedroom. mine has since been turned into the room where boxes of stuff live. so i cried myself to sleep in his bed. i sobbed in our childhood shower. i forced myself to eat in my dad's kitchen. i forced myself to practice in his living room. i wept on his couch. i stayed up all night staring at the dark sky through his windows.

i sat in the dark and wished i could go back countless times and i grieved for myself and i grieved for my mom and i grieved for the life i thought i was going to have that was gone now. and i started a gratitude journal like my therapist told me to because sometimes in very difficult moments i couldn't remember anything that made my life worth living anymore. i found no joy in anything. and i felt like time was running out on me and i was powerless in every way.

and it felt so unfair, like no matter what i did i just couldn't catch a break. like it didn't matter what i did.

my therapist asked me if i could remember the first time i ever had that terrible thought: what if this lasts forever, what if this feeling lasts forever. i was seventeen. trapped in my own body in someone else's bedroom, staring up at someone else’s ceiling painted blue with white clouds. wishing i could go back to before, when my body did the things i told it to do and didn't exist as a traitorous, useless creature separate from me and my wants. i'm still wishing that.

i know she wants me to challenge this terrible thought with the hard-won knowledge that that moment didn't last forever, and so this one won't either. and i try. i develop a routine and i try to follow it, to give myself a sense of normalcy and purpose: wake up, meditate, make a smoothie, journal, practice, go to work. my dad tells me the names of trees on our walks and points out his favorite leaves on the sidewalk. we wrap my mom in scarves and take her to the foothills. my beloved sits with me and holds my hands when i fall apart, and in the dark i sit with my body and remind myself that nothing lasts forever.

i am eating again, and sleeping. i am singing again. i am noticing how beautiful it is when the light catches on wings of birds in the sky and remembering how much i love the smell of the desert in the rain. i am reading, and watching old comfort shows that bring me comfort again.

i finally moved back home. and the grief is still there and i still can't bear the unbearable sadness sometimes. but also sometimes right before dusk the sun turns the mountains pale pink and the sky is soft slate above them and the light that comes through the windows feels impossibly warm and close like a physical presence. like i can almost touch it back. and then the air turns impossibly blue. like i am living inside of dusk and breathing dusk, inhaling blue and exhaling blue.

#k.txt

[friendly-neighborhood-furry]

@anothertawogsideblog its been a while, but i still wanted to respond to this! first off, thank you for your compliment on this post, it really means a lot! second of all, yes! although whatever song you have to recommend, it might already be on here! (however if it isn't, dm me!! i have something for that ;3c)

i've actually been waiting for an opportunity to share this, so thank you so much!

this playlist follows Rob's character progression through the original series (wiiiith some gaps filled in ;3)

below the cut are my insane ramblings explanations of why i picked the songs on the playlist, where/how they fit into the timeline of events, aaand a couple of headcanons i have that were inspired by the songs :D i tried to be quick and concise and only talk about lines that REALLY stood out to me

WARNING: don't click on it unless you are prepared to do a bit of reading. legitimately i'm warning you here, there's well over 3K words on this (not counting the lyric transcriptions)

wow, really? okay, strap in!

Self- by Will Wood and The Tapeworms

this and -Ish were recommendations from my partner, so thank you to him :3

the respective opening and closing songs to SELF-iSH tied the og album together, so it was only natural that they serve the same function here.

the SELF-iSH album already deals with themes of identity, and i personally find Rob to be so interesting because of his complex relationship with his identity. or i guess the relationship that i perceive him to have

this song is short, but it's one of many songs that represents something we didn't see happen onscreen. for this one, its Rob getting zapped into the Void.

"well i don't remember 2012, but i heard the world would turn to hell, and compared to that, well, i'm doing well, so i pray to God it really did"

2012 was the year the show began, but its also a year where people believed the world would end. the connection is sort of paradoxical in relation to the show

"so when all my friends forget my name, no, i wont come back and be the same, no, i wont come back and be the same, and i'm gonna be myself again"

this part in particular is not only representing him being erased from the mind's of people who knew him, but also foreshadowing his eventual transformation...

the last line haunts me, because in my head animatic, its something he's saying to reassure himself that he'll be okay. that he'll get out of this and still be himself. which,,, i'm sorry, excuse me (UGLY CRIES HARD INTO A PILLOW) okay next song

Turn the Lights Off by Tally Hall

AUTISM JUMPSCARE

so this song is basically the ensuing panic and chaos from being brought to a place where mistakes are kept. most of my head animatic is just him wandering around in the Void and being chased or frightened by all the weird shit in there.

"eyes of yellow scales and feathers tails in tethers turn the lights off"

more foreshadowing,,,, how the white of his eye changes to yellow after the Void,,,,,,, how he gets a pig tail in The Future,,,,,,,,,,,,, yeah

Sweet Hibiscus Tea by Penelope Scott

Penelope Scott is a recurring artist on this playlist :3 (foreboding sense of doom)

"and i am not your protagonist i'm not even my own i don't know anything i don't even know what i don't know"

local boy achieves sentience, more at 11

"and if you look outside you'll see disintegrating trees the artificial way the sunlight bounces off the waxy leaves"

these lines perfectly paint a picture of a world that is not real, again tying into him becoming sentient

"and if you look outside you'll see disintegrating trees the artificial way the sunlight bounces off the glitching leaves"

do i even have to say it.

"my wet heart catches on every thorn you're already halfway out the door"

Rob calling out to Gumball and Darwin and then seeing them ignore him in favor of Molly........

"and i'm so tiny and so old and god its never been so cold and it is 85 degrees i don't know what i need"

the ending to this song feels so hopeless and frustrated. which sadly, ties in perfectly.

ECHO by Crusher-P (feat. GUMI)

this is like. the ultimate Rob song for so many reasons. here are my takes!!

"the clock stopped ticking forever ago how long have i been up? i don't know"

reflecting on how long he's been in the Void. has it been a day? or has it been years? it's impossible to know

"why cant i see, why cant i see all the colors that you see? please can i be, please can i be colorful and free?"

so in this instance “seeing color” is a sorta metaphor for being important or interesting. things which he wasn't, based on being put into the Void.

then him longing to be important, to be interesting, to be out of this god-forsaken place

"what the hell's going on? can someone tell me please? why i'm switching faster than the channels on TV I'm black, then i'm white no, something isn't right my enemy's invisible, i don't know how to fight"

in reference to his surroundings being screens of TV static. realizing that his real enemy is whatever decides who’s important and who isn’t, but not knowing how to fight back against it

"the trembling fear is more than i can take when i'm up against the echo in the mirror"

at this point the "echo" is the boy he was when he was brought here. young and naïve, hopeful that somebody would remember him and care enough about to come rescue him.

"i'm gonna burn my house down into a ugly black, i'm gonna run away now and never look back"

this is him running after the van and leaving this fucked up place behind. the fact that these lines repeat and overlap each other really sells the amp up towards the climax that is him grabbing onto the side of the van and holding on until we flash to the other side.

"what the hell's going on? can someone tell me, please? why i'm switching faster than the channels on TV I'm black, then i'm white, no, something isn't right, my enemy's invisible, i don't know how to fight,"

this,,,,, this is after the memory wipe. this is the "who am i? what happened? whats… wrong with me?" that happens as soon as he's spat out the other side.

"the trembling fear is more than i can take when i'm up against the echo in the mirror"

now the echo is a ghost of his former self, before he was transformed. i headcanon that his pre-Void self's appearance haunts him like a ghost, never being fully visible or tangible in any way, but still undeniably there.

from this point on when he tries to interact with it or remember who he was, its like trying to grab fog. it just slips right through his fingers and dissipates into nothing.

Eighth Wonder by Lemon Demon

FIRST and ONLY silly song!!! this one is him sneaking into and hiding in the Watterson's house almost entirely undetected :3 (DON'T look at his body dysphoria look at him he’s normal he’s NORMAL)

Projections by CG5

hey hey hey hey hey DON'T look at the Bendy and The Ink Machine character on the cover of the song—look at me! this song is a PERFECTLY NORMAL CHOICE-hey hey! stop looking at The Projectionist look at me-LOOK AT ME! this is NORMAL.

just. hear me out, okay. just listen. to the song.

"in the dark i see everything there's no place that i'd rather be"

he's just some poor amnesiac hiding out in a basement. he isn't happy about it, but he doesn't have anywhere to go. no memories, no family, and goodness knows California isn't particularly kind to the homeless. he has nowhere else to go. this is what he has and he has to deal with it.

"way back in history, you could say i was very bright, but now i'm drawn to the deepest darkness, and that's where i find my light”

and now he's alone in the dark, where the only light he has is the light that emits from his body.

"everywhere that i look, all that i see is projections of what i used to be"

he sees the ghost of his former self so often, and he knows that it's a clue to his past, but he can never get a good enough look at it to jog his memories.

in the original song, the change in vocalist signifies that Norman Polk, (the soul trapped inside The Projectionist) is the one singing now. i though that was cool, so that format carries over here as the former self begins to sing!

"but i guess it'll always be like this cant change anything about this infinite abyss”

infinite abyss is the Void that lurks just beyond their world, all powerful and unchanging

“i cant believe that this is happening, not at all i'm literally a walking thing singing 'bout my downfall i can still remember the day that i drowned, but i never even died"

this is the part in The Nobody when he got his memories back and decided to pursue vengeance

"start the show and look up at the screen watch from the beginning to the end of the scene if you want to learn more about me just watch the projections of what i used to be"

the rest of the song is his acceptance of the villain role and the ghost abandoning him for it

Again by Crusher-P

the first song for The Nemesis!!!

okay so quick thing before we start: there's a cover of this song by Jayn and The Living Tombstone (MAJOR FLASHING LIGHT WARNING FOR THE VIDEO). this version changed the lyrics in some places which offered some SUPER awesome opportunities for angst stuff. i would have put this version on the playlist, but it sadly isn't available on Spotify :( so for simplicity's sake i'll just talk abt the original here :)

i sort of see this song as an argument between his current self and the one he left behind. how much this anger and resentment has changed him from what he was. some parts of the song are sung by his past self and others are sung by the present.

"i haven't been myself lately i don't blame you for not wanting to stay saying things that i don't mean not meaning what i say"

(lines 1 and 2 are present self, lines 3 and 4 are past self)

i think that after he accepted the role of antagonist, the ghost of who he was before just vanished. i like to believe it was afraid of him, and perhaps ashamed, too.

"when its good, its so good when its bad, its so bad even when i knew what i had what am i supposed to say when i end up driving everyone away?"

(present self)

wanting revenge can change you. you were hurt, or something was taken from you, and you want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. when you have all of that anger festering inside of you, it can distort whatever idea you have of who you are—and that is what happened here. the anger and resentment not only permanently changed who he is now, but scared away what little of himself he had left.

"every inch of me is charred god, what happened to my heart? i'm about to fall apart again, again and you're never coming back and i'm not okay with that! and i should have never let myself get attached!"

(present self speaking about past self)

he's never getting back what they took from him. he'll never be the same, because of them. who he was — that's not him anymore, and its their fault.

"and its like every day is a fight for my life to get some self control and when you've forgotten who i am, it just feels, it just feels like i'm nobody at all"

(present self talking about past self)

again, the ghost disappearing after he accepts the antagonist role making him lose touch with who he was

"i lost myself hitting the ground i held my breath in case i drowned"

flashback to when he got spat out of the Void without his memories. when he got his memories back, he also regained self-awareness.

"i should have known when to let go and when to see who i was being"

maybe it was a mistake. but its still their fault. now he's REALLY mad.

Enemy by Imagine Dragons

i think you and i know each other pretty well at this point. you're reading my analytical mini-essay about this cartoon character. we’re being cringe together. you won’t make fun of me for choosing the jerma meme song.

the first part of this song is for The Bus. think of it as an internal monologue while he does his villain shit. this one also kind of touches on how he’s taking the nemesis thing a lot more seriously than Gumball is

the second part of the song transitions into the events of The Disaster.

"they say pray it away i swear that i’ll never be a saint, no way”

this is Rob reflecting the role he’s been given as antagonist because he wants to be the main character. he’s not content to be a good little character and stay in his assigned role, he wants freedom!

“a chair in the corner is my place i stay i shake and i think about the powers at play, the powers at play”

the powers at play are exactly what they sound like. it’s the show runners and the audience — the people who are watching and controlling his fictional world.

“and the kids in the dark that were doomed from the start,"

i've done a little digging into what the show creators have said about Rob, and from what i can gather it was planned for him to have had this happen to him from a very early point in the show. so. yeah. doomed from the start indeed

"love is a constant, love is a basis, he cannot be, she cannot be, they can not be changed goodbye..."

everyone in this story is powerless to change it. everyone... except him, now that he has the remote

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing by Set It Off

a classic villain rage song! most of this is him fucking up Gumball's life in The Disaster

"baa baa, black sheep, have you any soul? no, sir, by the way what the hell are morals?!"

fun fact! early prototype versions of Gumball made him a black cat to tie into his unluckiness :3 they didn't end up going with it because he was too hard to see against black backgrounds, but still. i like to imagine Rob knows stuff like that,,,,

"maybe you'll change abandon all your wicked ways make amends and start anew again maybe you'll see all the wrongs you did to me and start all over, start all over again"

this is that moment in The Disaster where Rob tries to reveal the nature of their world to Gumball

"oh, who am I kidding? now, let's not get overzealous here you've always been a huge piece of shit if I could kill you, I would but it's frowned upon in all fifty states having said that, burn in hell, yeah!"

but Gumball doesn't understand. so Rob gives up and decides to finish what he started.

"karma's gonna come collect your debt!"

at the end of the song its Gumball jumping in after the remote, Rob closing the AV portal like curtains, and Gumball managing to press the rewind button, transitioning into the next episode

Ancient Dreams in a Modern Land by MARINA

holy fuck i love this one okay lets go. now we're in The Re-Run, but these next two songs are replacing the ones that were there in The Disaster

"you don't have to be like everybody else you don't have to fit into the norm you are not here to conform"

again, rejection of the role he was given and what the universe wants him to be.

"i am here to take a look inside myself recognize that I could be the eye, the eye of the storm"

now that he has the remote, he can be the center of it all. the eye of the storm, the main character.

"i am not my body, not my mind or my brain (ha) not my thoughts or feelings, I am not my DNA i am the observer, I'm a witness of life"

i like the interesting position that sentience puts him in. he's watching the world with the context that none of its real, so he's watching it with us, the audience. but he's still living through all of these experiences like they are real because they’re happening in his reality, so he’s still part of the show and,,, yeah you get it.

"i live in the space between the stars and the sky"

line is in reference to how he's caught between worlds. he doesn't belong in Elmore, but he doesn't want to go back to the Void

Dr. Sunshine Is Dead by Will Wood and The Tapeworms

ooooh this one’s good. let’s get started.

"if we can't see each other, then there's no more use for hiding I've decided I'll abide it; why deny the color black?"

why shouldn't he have what he wants? he has all of the power to get it. who's going to stop him?

"i'm not a flower, not a solar-powered calculator Damn my eyes for seeing what's not there"

these lines are in reference to Leslie and Bobert, who get to be important and interesting and not having their lives ripped apart by the universe. god fuck those guys and fuck him for ever wanting to settle for being a cute side character when he could have THIS

"the future must know where you've been the past predicts the state you're in the present did and will not last is, isn't, was, have, hasn't, has"

this is the part where Gumball starts to get the upper hand and it starts to dawn on Rob that he's fucked

"all that i ask is, keep those empty frames if nobody's in them, then no one is to blame for your self-portraits, sign another name well, who should I be then, if I'll never be the same?

Gumball ejects him. and now he's falling…

"and if dreams can come true, what does that say about nightmares? i'll stay awake tonight..."

if he can come so close to his perfect life, if he can wield the power of a god and still fail--is there any point in continuing to think he can be anything else? anything but a mistake to be cast aside and forgotten?

there's nowhere to go--no point in trying to be anything else. this is the end.

Bad Apple!! - English Remaster by RichaadEB and Christina Vee

STOP LAUGHING

okay so this cover is metal as fuck and i love it a lot but anyway- we're still in The Re-Run at this point. just for fun we're going to pretend he was in there a lot longer than he was in canon

"and maybe its a dream, maybe nothing else is real but it wouldn't mean a thing if i told you how i feel"

oughhh imagine trying to pull the wool away from someone's eyes only for them not to understand and leave you more isolated than you've ever been before.

"you could tell me what to say, you could tell me where to go, but i doubt that i would care and my heart would never know"

so what if he's a mistake? does any of it really matter in the first place if none of it’s real?

"will tomorrow ever come? will i make it through the night? will there ever be a place for the broken in the light?"

will things ever get better for him? will things get better for anyone trapped in the existential nightmare of their own fictionality?

will the mistakes of the world ever find peace, or comfort, or solace in what they are--toys to be ripped apart and cast aside by greater beings?

"if i find a way to change, if i step into the light then i'll never be the same and it all would fade to white"

imagine holding infinite power in your hands--the ability to rewrite reality to your liking, to step into the spotlight you've yearned for for so long, only to be sent back to the buzzing white hellscape where everything terrible began?

ramping up towards the climax of the song is when Gumball enters to rescue him from this place. Rob is running from him stubbornly because he's being overwhelmed by hatred and hopelessness- convinced an eternity of loneliness is what he deserves.

"this time you're not hurting me! this time i will take a stand! all the hatred in my eyes building up an evil plan standing lonely in the night, with the darkness by my side"

he finally gets ahold of the remote again. Gumball is utterly defenseless--and Rob has the chance to finish what he started. but...

"looking deep inside myself, and revealing only fright"

but standing behind Gumball is the ghost. his ghost.

"if i make another move, if i take another step then it all would fall apart, there'd be nothing of me left"

the person that he was- the person who would have done anything to even have the chance to be rescued, is right there.

if he does this--if he takes Gumball's life in favor of an eternity of loneliness--then he'll lose what little remained of who he was.

so he cant do it. he cant bring himself to do it. so he goes back

"so i'm back here once again, so i'm back here once again! will i ever make a change? will my heart begin to mend?

this one simple action, where Gumball goes back into the Void to save Rob even though he's won, it lets Rob forgive him in a sense. the two of them are friends now.

"would you love me if i go?"

but it cant last, even if he wants it to. he has to fix the mess he's created.

"it feels like a heart attack! but still everything's the same-"

so he rewinds, fixing all of the problems he caused. he finally stops just after he first got the remote

"and it all just fades to black"

he smashes the remote and the world goes dark as the credits roll and the music fades out...

Amygdala’s Ragdoll by Ghost and Pals

this is another song that takes place during some offscreen time, specifically the time between the rerun's end the ex's beginning.

there's a general theme of guilt and anguish in this song. he reason he “breaks up” with Gumball is tied to what happened at the end of The Re-Run. Rob feels bad about ruining Gumball life and he’s still struggling with the guilt of his actions along with everything else.

"an eye for an eye that's how the game works i'm losing my autonomy, a mutilated part of me"

being aware that you are fictional character and therefore losing what autonomy you had because somebody is making all of your decisions for you & having a mangled, broken body that's a distorted version of who you are or used to be.

"today something changed i figured it's true the frontal lobe placed me behind my own strings 'cause i defy the way the game works i'll say it again, i'm only getting worse"

yet another reference to Rob being sentient and trying to go against the show's narrative

"the dull assumptions that I've tasted decency waiting for the embers to lose their glow and I, and I dunno oh, all I've ever seen before were clusters of holes"

he's really been put through the ringer for like. genuinely no reason. what was the point.

“the fire and i, alone again the guilt and i, alone again”

ough this one hits. after everything that happened in the re-run can you imagine the kind of guilt he felt? like. friendly reminder that The Re-Run was an infinitely more fucked up episode than The Disaster because one character CEASED TO EXIST and another literally DIED onscreen.

jesus. being somewhat responsible for that happening has GOT to fuck you up.

Be Nice To Me by The Front Bottoms

this one is a breakup song that i put on here just for The Ex because there is no heterosexual explanation for it. anyway

the themes of hating someone you’re in a relationship with and trying to get them out of your life but they just keep showing up despite every attempt you make to push them away,,, yeah

“i got boulders on my shoulders collarbones begin to crack there is very little left of me and it’s never coming back”

CRYING

"you say i'm changing sorry, i didn't know i had to stay the same could we talk about this later? your voice is driving me insane, driving me insane!

you get it. you see the parallels.

"you're a werewolf and i'm a full moon all your very worst enemies will be gone soon"

oh boy, more foreshadowing! but yeah that's it for The Ex. moving on!

Infinitesimal by Mother Mother

this is one of the few super mentally ill songs that i let stay on the playlist.

this song has a general theme of feeling like an idiot for being upset about seemingly minuscule problems. its also a song about existentialism, which i thought was fitting

All The Rowboats by Regina Spektor

this ones for The Future! starting with him kidnapping Banana Barbara and ending with him being erased, then painted back into existence.

like. listen to these lyrics and TELL me it cant be tied to the paintings predicting unchangeable futures.

"all the rowboats in the paintings they keep trying to row away and the captains' worried faces stay contorted and staring at the waves they'll keep hanging in their gold frames for forever, forever and a day all the rowboats in the oil paintings they keep trying to row away, row away"

Rät by Penelope Scott

i imagine this takes place when Rob wakes up after being painted back into existence.

now he's dealing with anger and resentment over Gumball again, but now its different because he was TRYING to do a good thing but he STILL got FUCKED OVER ANYWAY.

"i fell for circuit boards rocket ships pictures of the stars if you could only be what you pretend you are"

if only Gumball could be a somebody who's worthy of being the main character

"let me level with you, man as someone guilty of the game i took the help, I took the cash i would've taken your last name"

in reference to Rob trying to replace Gumball using the remote, but ultimately choosing not to

This Is Home by Cavetown

this song is where i introduce one of my favorite headcanons inspired by this playlist: that Rob was the one who built the transformation machines from The Inquisition.

in this song, he's starting to work on his plans to save everyone as well as reflecting on his life and the decisions he's made up until now.

“i’ll cut my hair to make you stare”

okay so. you know that cluster of polygons on Rob's back? it’s supposed to be a backpack, but the fans (myself included) always draw it as a ponytail.

in The Inquisition, its missing.

i'm serious, go and watch that episode back. it's just gone.

this was probably a purposeful choice during production so that the audience wouldn't see his model clipping through the floor in the shots where he's lying down, since that would break immersion.

but in conjunction with the ponytail headcanon? oh man.

i like to think that after the events of The Future, Rob cut his hair. mostly because i just LOVE the trope of a character cutting their hair to symbolize change/character growth. not sure how it would work with his whole... whatever he has going on, but i digress

"are you dead? sometimes i think i'm dead 'cause i can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head but i don't wanna fall asleep just yet my eyes went dark i don't know where my pupils are but i'll figure out a way to get us outta here"

i don't think Rob knows about the painting, but what he does know is that the world is ending, and he doesn't want to disappear before he can have a chance to save everyone.

"get a load of this monster he doesn't know how to communicate his mind is in a different place can everybody please give him a little bit of space?

reflecting on how he handled the confrontation in the Future. he was so fixated on finding answers and getting rid of obstacles that he hadn't thought to explain the reasons behind his actions to anyone.

"get a load of this trainwreck his hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet but little do we know the stars welcome him with open arms oh..."

little does Rob know that while he works on a solution, the Void is waiting for him.

Moonsickness by Penelope Scott

getting all of the machines to work right is an arduous task. he's building all of them from scratch, conducting all of the necessary tests, dealing with all of the bugs and problems, and its all on a time limit. the world is set to end any day now and he feels like he's failing, but he has to keep going for the sake of everyone in Elmore.

Who We Are by Imagine Dragons

we've finally made it to The Inquisition!! think of this song sort of like an internal justification for his actions as Superintendent Evil (goofy ass name btw, there's no way he didn't come up with that because of the Dr Wrecker persona)

“it’s who we are, doesn’t matter if we’ve gone too far, doesn’t matter if it’s all okay, doesn’t matter if it’s not our day,”

its for the greater good.

"oh, wont you save us from what we are?"

"up in the attic, down in the cellar lost in the static, coming back for more oh, for more"

they need to do this. they need to change. there's no other way.

but things never go his way, do they?

7 O'Clock by Penelope Scott

after he gets knocked out via t. rex clobbering, in my head there's an intense dream sequence that this and part of Some Nights takes place in.

"a glitch in the game, i loop like a bug and all that i ever wanted was a really tight hug"

REMEMBER WHEN HE AND GUMBALL HUGGED IN THE RE-RUN? BECAUSE I DO

"a glitch in the game, i loop like a bug and all i ever died for was a really tight hug"

SCREAMING AND CRYING ANS SOBBING AND WAILING AND BANGING MY FISTS ON THE FLOOR

"the future is static, it drips on the floor and makes its way underneath my bedroom door"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME ARHARGGARRAFHRASFASGA (<- INSANITY)

Some Nights by fun.

oh my god we finally made it to the reason i made this post. if you've made it this far you have a problem (<- WROTE ALL THE SHIT)

so. this song is already about reflecting on your past. but my GOD its like they made this song for Rob because so many lines just fit him perfectly. lets get into it.

"but i still wake up, i still see your ghost"

when he started working on a way to save everyone, i like to imagine the ghost started appearing more frequently, eagerly watching him work on a solution and rooting for him to finally become a better person

"oh Lord, i'm still not sure what i stand for what do i stand for? what do i stand for? most nights i don't know anymore"

i'm. sorry guys i need a second. (UGLY CRIES SUPER LOUD INTO A PILLOW)

at this point he doesn't know who he wants to be. first he didn't know who he was. then he decided he would be someone driven by anger and vengeance. then he wanted to turn over a new leaf, but was dragged back into villainy.

so who should he be? the frail and scared amnesiac? the malicious and cunning villain? or... maybe, once all of this is over, he can finally choose for himself.

"well some nights i wish that this would all would end 'cause i could use some friends for a change! and some nights i'm scared you'll forget me again some nights i always win (i always win)"

I'M SOBBING JUST LET HIM BE HAPPY

"so this is it? i sold my soul for this? washed my hands of that for this? i miss my mom and dad for this? no, when i see stars- when i see- when i see stars, that's all they are"

this whole bit is him waking up and monologing about why they stopped him. if he's failed, what was the point of all of this? what was the point of anything?

"well, that is it guys, that is all five minutes in, and i'm bored again ten years of this, i'm not sure if anybody understands"

in reference to how people sometimes tune out in the middle of a show's the runtime and also. the show turned twelve this year. (kubrik stare)

"the other night, you wouldn't believe the dream i just had about you and me i called you up, but we both agree

the ground starts to shake under him and the floor caves in. we hear the final lines of the song as he falls in slow motion, deeper and deeper into the abyss.

"its for the best you didn't listen its for the best we get our distance, oh its for the best you didn't listen its for the best we get our distance, oh"

-Ish by Will Wood and the Tapeworms

in his final moments, Rob reflects on his life for a final time. falling through the air, he realizes that who he is, who he was, who he wanted to be never mattered anyway. because no matter what he did, it all ended the same.

with the world devoured by static and nobody left to defend it.

#I'M NORMAL #DON'T LOOK AT THE WORD COUNT LOOK AT ME I'M NORMAL #please read the notes tho it legit took me like a week to put together #also shoutout to the two random people on spotify who found this playlist and saved it before i posted it on here #no clue who you are but youre the real ones #the amazing world of gumball #tawog #rob tawog #tawog rob #dr wrecker tawog #tawog dr wrecker #blorbo posting #tomothy rambles

[tillys-writings]

Bound to you - Part 2

Neteyam x reader

A/N: Second part posted ! I may take some time between the updates but I will try to post at least once a week! The first part was more of an introduction but here we slowly get to dive into the story. Again, every sort of feedback is appreciated !

TW: Mention of blood and war.

Word Count: 3.2 K

Part one

War. A salty taste lingering in the air. Dark clouds hovering above my head. Looking up, I could no longer make out the beauty of my surroundings. I was bound to feel and see the end. The end of nature, the end of peace, the end of life as I knew it. Beads of sweat were forming on my brow, muscles aching due to the metal I was lying on. Everything was blurry. I tried to recognize my surroundings, to no avail. My ears were ringing. Even though I could feel my eyes widening, my vision remained blurry. Foggy strokes of various shades or orange and grey painting the background, I tried to scream but only a whimper came out, throat burning. I brought my hands in the line of my eyesight, I could distinguish the faint blue shape of my fingers, however as I tried to bring them to my face, I could not feel anything, neither my hands nor my face. Every single part of my body was numb. Tears scattered my face, cheeks and neck completely wet. I started sobbing.

"Y/N !"

"What's happening to her?"

The voices seemed so close but so far away, muffled by the non-existent cotton in my ears. My eyes flew open. A loud gasp escaping my lips. I could make out faint shapes of blue in front of my face.

"Mo'at, what happened?"

I felt soft hands touching my forehead, and then caressing my hair. The air on my face was hot and sticky but my whole body felt cold. I fully gained back consciousness with a light sob.

"Hey hey, baby you're alright." As I heard my mother's soft voice, I started sobbing harder. I didn't know why, but it relieved the pain from my nightmare, the weight on my chest. The feelings were releasing themselves in the form of salty tears falling freely from my eyes.

"You were asleep y/n. We tried to wake you up, but you were not reacting at all. What did you see?" I tried to answer Mo'at but as I started reminiscing the feeling of what happened came back in a rush and the weight on my chest only grew.

"Maybe it's best if we let her rest for a moment." Answered my mother for me.

It's been a few hours now. Cheeks still wet, I was able to regulate my breathing and calm myself down. Not a sound was heard in the pod. The air was thick, and the light noises from outside were concealed by my thoughts.

"I saw the end, mom." I started, feeling my waterline fill with tears once again. My mom turned around from the small space where she was preparing food. "I saw the war, everything was burning, everything hurt." Not a sound. Everything was absorbed by the silence. My mom did not react. She only looked at me with a pained expression, not moving.

"I'm scared" I continued, voice breaking and hands shaking. I curled on my side, bringing my knees to my stomach. I do not know if I spoke more for myself or for my mother. But I know that I cried because of the war, because of the fear of losing people I knew and cared about, because of the destruction of everything around me, even though it was only a dream, or a nightmare more so.

Upon hearing those words, my mother directly abandoned her task at hand to come and wrap her hands around my body, soothing words being whispered in my ear.

"It's only a dream, baby. Don't worry, everything will be alright."

-

The nightmare was pushed on the back of my mind. It never left but I tried not to think too much of it. I needed to have my head straight today, Jake organised the raid of a maglev train which was one of the most important supply lines for the RDA. I was set to be on the air team as a spotter along with Lo'ak and Neteyam.

" Please be careful y/n"

"Always am, and I'll be with Lo'ak and Neteyam, I'll be alright." I reassured my mother with a slight smile. I gave her a hug and promptly made my way to the meeting point in High Camp. Everyone was energetic, running around, getting ready, sharpening knives and finishing touching up their arrows.

" Y/N! " said a deep voice which made me turn around sharply.

"Here's a commlink for you" continued Jake making his way towards me and handing me the ear and neck piece. "Stay in the air and keep your eyes open, alright?" a stern look on his face, which made me nod promptly.

"I'm probably not the one you should be worried about though" I answered with a slight chuckle and a nod towards his sons. Lo'ak was doing war cries with paint of his face while Neteyam was looking done with his brother's antics. Jake sighed loudly before looking back at me with an exasperated look on his face. He quickly made his way towards his sons after wishing me good luck.

Setting my bow around my torso, I put the commlink around my head and settled the other part on my ear. Bringing my hand to my mouth, two fingers curling under my tongue, I let out a long whistle. Tsi’iu promptly answered my calls and landed in front of me. “Hey you” I cooed, looking at her with a toothy grin. My hand caressing her face, I slowly made Tsaheylu. She was eager to fly, I could feel her envy of us flying together, hovering above the clouds and swaying between the mountains. I jumped on her back and she quickly jumped off, making me let a happy chuckle escape my lips.

I could feel the cool air hitting my face, eyes protected by my ionar. Thighs slightly burning contrasting with the cold wind. Escaping the clouds and flying in the clear sky, I was quickly covered by a dark shadow above me. Eyes looking up, they met Lo’ak’s who was fully smiling with both his lips and his eyes. Neteyam joined us, settling on my right side. He gave me a quick nod and a tight smile. Reaching to his commlink, “Eagle Eye, Ladybug, let’s go, we have to move.” I nodded slightly before dipping with Tsi’iu, following Neteyam. He is actually the one who found my code name. Jake apparently told them that a Ladybug was a small insect from Earth. And that it was supposed to bring luck.

“Maybe, like that, as long as you’ll be with us, we’ll be lucky.”

We were sixteen when we went on our first raid. That’s when Neteyam decided to give me this name.

The raid slowly came to an end, it was a success. We all grinned to each other as we flew in a more or less straight line. Lo’ak suddenly decided to break the silence, screaming to us instead of using the commlink, which was a bad sign. He wanted to do something without Jake knowing. “We have to get down there, bro!” he said addressing his brother. “Jake will skin you, guys.” I reminded them with a light scowl on my face. “Come on now, don’t be such a wuss.” He said with a wink before dipping directly towards the ground. Neteyam was losing patience quickly, lips in a tight line evident on his face. “Lo’ak, come back!” he said, clearly frustrated, letting out a low growl. “You, stay here.” He ordered, quickly turning around and looking at me before following his brother down near the train. I kept circling above them with Tsi’iu, sighing when I saw Lo’ak grab a gun. He really was being a rebellious pain in the ass. That’s when I heard it, head whipping in its direction before one of my hand grabbed at my neck: “A helicopter gunship, get out of there!” I screamed through the commlink, hoping they would have time to get away. Quickly flying up with Tsi’iu, I dodged the relentless fire coming from the helicopter. Someone from the ground luckily taking it out. Coming back to hover on top of where the brothers were minutes ago, my eyes widened in horror as I took in what was happening. My mind turned blank as I dived with no second thoughts towards the smoke and fire. My eyes were stinging due to the smoke coming out of the engines, mixed with detritus flying around.

“Neteyam! Lo’ak!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, breaking Tsaheylu and running around. I started checking the people on the ground, every time my heart rate quickened, and my throat tightened, scared of seeing the face of one of my friends as I turned them around. I felt the adrenaline high in full force through my body.

“Oh Eywa. No, no, no, no. Please no.” I was whispering to myself as I recognized one of the warriors lying on a piece of metal. Burns were scattered around his back. I ran to him, slipping on some oil and slightly burning my feet on the hot metal. Breaking my run with a curse I continued my way over to my friend as fast as possible.

“Neteyam, Teyam! Oh, please Eywa.” I turned him around. Tears of relief made their way down my face as I realised, he was alive. Yellow orbs looked up at me as he gripped my forearm. “Sorry”, he croaked out.

“Y/N, where are you?” I heard in the commlink; Jake was probably on the verge of a cardiac arrest with this whole commotion.

“I am well, I found Neteyam. He is going to be alright.” I tried to reassure him as best as I could.

“Oh, thank Eywa, thank you y/n. Don’t move, I’m coming to get you both.”

Jake took care of bringing back Neteyam, Lo’ak and myself following closely behind.

As we arrived back in High Camp, The Sully family and my mom came to greet us.

“Oh, my Eywa, you’re alright! I heard of what happened, I was so scared.” She kept on rambling, holding my arms tightly to make sure I was in one piece. Hands moving up to my face, giving me a kiss on my forehead before pulling me into a hug, relief flooding around her frame.

At the same time, Neteyam and Lo’ak were getting scolded by Jake. Heads hanging low and their eyes directed towards the ground, they knew better than to confront their father in a time like this. I briefly caught the eyes of Neteyam. He looked scared, tired, in pain and disappointed, probably in both himself and Lo’ak. It was definitely not the time for a scolding right now. Reassuring my mother once more, I told her I’ll meet her later.

I quickly walked to Neteyam’s side, holding his arm the same way my mother did to me.  Eyes then focused on the purulent burns on his back. It definitely needed to be taken care of if he did not want it to get infected, scolding or not.

“Jake, he’s hurt.” I looked at him with pleading eyes. Neytiri intervened as well, “Ma Jake, your son is bleeding.” She gave him a pointed look. A silent discussion between them taking place in the span of a few seconds.

“Go in and get patched up.” Jake said, looking tense. We all, except Lo’ak, quickly made our way in their pod.

“Kiri, give him this.” Mo’at said handing a tiny ceramic glass full to the brim with a concoction used to stop the infection taking place inside his body. “I would use yalnabark.” Intervened Kiri, while making her way to her grandmother. “Ah, and who is Tsahik?” answered her grandmother on a light tone. “You are grandmother.” Answered back Kiri, jokingly annoyed.

“Y/N, come here.” She continued as I made my way towards her. “You will apply this to Neteyam’s wounds. Kiri will come with me to help the others.”

You took the paste from her hands as they both made their ways to the rest of the people who were hurt. Tentatively dipping two fingers in the thick preparation, you brought your fingers to a burn near Neteyam’s right shoulder. You felt the remedy stick to your fingers which encouraged you to apply a light pressure next to the wound, trying to get rid of the paste and making it stick to his skin instead. His skin reacted immediately, puss and blood seeping out of the burn. Your upper lip curled a little bit in disgust while your eyes softened hearing Neteyam’s cries.

“Ow, ow, OW!” “Sorry, sorry.” You cut him.

“Mighty warriors…” added Spider with a scoff. It was not the time to laugh. They did not realise the extent of what could have happened. Children.

Your instincts gaining the best of you, you let out a low hiss in the direction of the small human, who quickly put his hands up in surrender and left the hut with a small apology.

As soon as it was only Neteyam left with you in the hut, your focus was quickly redirected to his wounds. Half of his back had been taken care of in silence, only cut by the scarce hiss of pain coming from the warrior in front of you. The silence was apparently not enough as the man in front of you decided to break it by asking a stupid question, a question you did not have an answer to.

“Where did the nickname “Teyam” come from?” he said, slightly turning around, a huge grin breaking through his face and showing his teeth. Fangs poking on the sides of his lips.

You froze for a few seconds, you did not know where it came from, you did not have an answer. You knew he did that to embarrass you. Feeling the heat rush to your face. Your tongue clicked in annoyance, trying to hide your fluster. You flickered at his ear, which made him let out a light chuckle before turning back.

You continued to work on his back, but you could feel your concentration slowly slip out of you through your fingers. Getting distracted by the way his shoulders shuddered slightly underneath your touch and the way his blue strips contoured the side of his body. You gulped before retracting your hands completely to fetch more preparation. As you got up, Neteyam looked at you intently, questions evident in his eyes.

“I’ll be back.” You told him before hurrying to find Mo’at or Kiri.

I swiftly made my way across the camp. A combination between running and walking, I took each step carefully, knees bouncing. When I arrived in the main tent where the injured were being taken care of, a smell of blood and metal reached me. It was so strong that it made my nose scrunch up and my eyes narrow involuntarily. I felt my ears flatten on the side of my head, the pained cries of the warriors assailing my ears. My tail was swatting left to right nervously behind me as my eyesight scanned the place in search of a familiar face.

My narrowed eyes quickly landed on Kiri, who was occupied applying pressure on a man from the clan, a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side, blood sipping out of the wound. My heart ached at the sight.

As I readied myself to make my way over to her, a soft but strong hand gripped my shoulder in place, stopping me in my tracks.

“What do you need, y/n?” inquired the Tsahik who was now standing in front of me. “It’s better not to stay too long around here, dear.” She continued, holding my stare with her own, preventing me from looking anywhere else.

“I just need some of that healing paste Mo’at.” I whispered, just loud enough for her to hear.

With a slight nod, she reached for a small cup similar to the one in my hands. She thrusted it strongly in my grip, grabbing the empty one in return. “Now go back, y/n” she said in a strong but delicate tone. I gave her a sharp nod and left at once without turning back.

Closing back the flap of the hut behind me, I let the fresh air hit my face, getting rid of the horrid smell which took a hold of my senses a few minutes prior. Taking a large inhale, I pushed my body forward the hut where Neteyam was waiting.

Making my way inside, I found him still sitting in the same place, sharpening his knife. His eyes briefly met mine before focusing back on his work. I sat back behind him in silence, resuming looking after his wounds which were already looking better.

“What happened back there?” He suddenly asked after a few minutes, breaking the silence. My golden eyes widened slightly, my hovering above the skin of his back. “What?” I asked, voice barely above a whisper, as if I would speak any louder something would break.

“Your face, I can see that something is bothering you. What is it?” He pressed; his eyes still focused on his task at hand.

“I saw all the injured people from today’s raid.” I started, a sigh escaping my lips. “I saw Meayko with this wound on his side.” My hands fell in my lap in defeat. “He’s only a few years older than us, Neteyam.” At the sound of his name and the absence of my fingers on his back, he turned his whole body towards me, legs almost touching. My eyes were absorbed by the paste slowly drying on my fingers, picking at it with my other hand.

“We don’t deserve what is happening to us. We can never be happy with them here.” I continued. I could feel my eyes filling with tears. The salty water was threatening to spill any seconds.

As Neteyam’s words escaped his lips, I felt the dam break.  

“Mawey, ma y/n. Mawey.” He reached for the back of my head with his four-fingered hands, bringing my head towards his collar bone. He let me cry in this position for as long as I needed to, whispering reassuring words in my ears.

When I felt the tears come to a halt, I finally pulled my head back. Neteyam’s hands still remained strongly put on either side of my face.

“We can be happy even with the sky people here.” He said, looking straight at me. “We may not deserve that, but we have to fight and do what is right. We have to protect our home, our nature, our animals. We have to protect Eywa, y/n. But most importantly we have to protect each other. If we stick together and we watch our backs, nothing can happen to us.” He said in a strong tone, like any warrior would.

“I will never let anything happen to you y/n.” He said the last sentence in a quiet tone, which was only answered by a nod from me and the resuming of our previous hug. This time I reached my hands behind his back, carefully avoiding the burns. His hand held my head right as they did before.

A/N: Every sort of feedback is welcomed and appreciated ! Thank you for reading :)

#neteyam x omaticaya!reader #neteyam sully #neteyam x reader #neteyam avatar #neteyam #avatar twow #avatar fanfiction #avatar #avatar 2 #avatar way of water #avatar the way of water #atwow neteyam #fanfic #lo'ak avatar #kiri avatar #loak x reader #kiri x reader #neteyam angst #atwow x reader #avatar x reader #neteyam x yn #neteyam x y/n #neteyam x you

[luminouslotuses]

q!jaiden song dump………there’s a lot

anxieties (out of time) - the regrettes

what can i, what can i do? / can somebody give me a damn clue? / fear on my body like glue / can’t move, i can’t move, i can’t move / what can i, what can i say? / tellin’ myself that i’m okay / colors come after the rain

all of these anxieties / come over me, just let me breathe / are we just forever runnin’ out of time? / missin’ how it feels to really be alive / knock me down-down, up, back down / knock me down, i won’t back down

paint - the paper kites

this house has never been the same as before / it’s never felt warm, never felt warm / there’s something moving through the windows and walls / i’ve seen it before, seen it before / you left me living with a lingering soul / how little you know, how little you know

see where i am is where i’m wanting to be / i know what i need, know what i need / and there are many different places to see / i know how to dream, know how to dream / still there’s a wound and i’m moving slow / though it don’t show, though it don’t show

12345 - em beihold

and my neighbors’ screams are deafenin’ / so i’ve got the music blastin’ / feel the skin, the floor / the matches light the candle / hope it passes, smell the / one plant i can’t believe i kept alive / this must be what victory tastes like

instead of findin’ purpose / i could just sell insurance / or join a pyramid scheme / whatever the hell that means, oh / “you need a hug, are you alright?” / “nobody’s loved you much tonight” / only the mirror tells me i’m fine

before the line - dodie

i have an entire post on this one :]

not strong enough - boygenius

black hole opened in the kitchen / every clock’s a different time / it would only take the energy to fix it / i don’t know why i am

the way i am / not strong enough to be your man / i lied, i am / just lowering your expectations / half a mind that keeps the other second-guessing / close my eyes and count

there’s something in the static / i think i’ve been having revelations / coming to in the front seat, nearly empty / skip the exit to our old street and go home / go home alone

happy - mitski

happy came to visit me, he bought cookies on the way / i poured him tea, and he told me, “it’ll all be okay” / well, i told him i’d do anything to have him stay with me

i was in the bathroom, i didn’t hear him leave / i locked the door behind him, and i turned around to see / ooh, all the cookie wrappers and the empty cups of tea / well, i sighed and mumbled to myself, “again, i have to clean” / i sighed and mumbled to myself

and when you go, take this heart / i’ll make no more use of it when there’s no more you / and if you’re going, take the moon / then, maybe i will see you; in the night, i’ll see you

body and mind - girl in red

i’ve been in the deep end since i realized / there is a difference between body and mind / i’ve been at my lowest for the longest time / knowing my existence is not one of a kind

but i’ve had / my deepest cries for now / my heart’s out / my guard’s down

making the bed - olivia rodrigo

they’re changin’ my machinery, and i just let it happen / i got the things i wanted, it’s just not what i imagined

push away all the people who know me the best / but it’s me who’s been makin’ the bed / i’m so tired of being the girl that i am / every good thing has turned into something i dread / and i’m playin’ the victim so well in my head / but it’s me who’s been makin’ the bed

$20 - boygenius

pushing flowers that come up into the front of a shotgun / so many hills to die on

(take a break, make your escape) / gas, out of time, out of money / you’re doing what you can, just makin’ it run / (there’s only so much i can)

wait on me, i’m not ready / i still have to change, have to change, have to change

snow angel - reneé rapp

first to arrive, last to leave / what’s misery without company? / it’s hard to laugh when it’s hard to breathe

smiles hide what secrets keep / can’t tell a lie if you never speak / look in the mirror, she looks like me / but half-alive and twice as weak

if it kills me, i tried / if it kills me, i

#OK I SWEAR THIS IS LAST THING BEFORE THE SERVER REOPENS LMAO #i do like doing these though…….i might make more sometime mahybe #qsmp #q!jaiden #song chicanery

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Opinion  At 33, I knew everything. At 69, I know something much more important.

By Anne Lamott :: Contributing columnist

Anne Lamott is an American novelist and nonfiction writer. Her latest book, “Somehow: Thoughts on Love,” will be published in April 2024.

Today I woke up old and awful in every way. I simultaneously cannot bear the news and cannot turn it off: It’s cobra hypnosis — Gaza, Israel, the shootings in Maine. The world is as dark as a scarab. I have two memorial services on my calendar this week. A dear friend is in the hospital waiting for a liver, dying. She keeps assuring me, “I ain’t in no ways tired,” and I say, “Oh, stop with that or I’m not going to visit again.” I’m exhausted just driving 90 minutes to and from San Francisco to see her.

My body hurt quite a lot when I got out of bed this morning, and I limped around like Granny Clampett for the first hour, until it unseized. Worse, my mind hurt, my heart hurt and I hated almost everyone, except my husband, my grandson and one of the dogs.

I don’t think I could have borne up under all this 20 years ago when I thought I knew so much about life. That was not nearly as much as I knew at 33, which is when we know more than we ever will again. But age has given me the ability to hang out without predicting how things will sort out this time (mostly — depending on how I’ve slept).

In many of Albert Bierstadt’s Western paintings, there is a darkness on one side, maybe a mountain or its shadow. Then toward the middle, animals graze or drink from a lake or stream. And then at the far right or in the sky, splashes of light lie like shawls across the shoulders of the mountains. The great darkness says to me what I often say to heartbroken friends — “I don’t know.”

Is there meaning in the Maine shootings?

I don’t know. Not yet.

My white-haired husband said on our first date seven years ago that “I don’t know” is the portal to the richness inside us. This insight was one reason I agreed to a second date (along with his beautiful hands). It was a game-changer. Twenty years earlier, when my brothers and I were trying to take care of our mother in her apartment when she first had Alzheimer’s, we cried out to her gerontology nurse, “We don’t know if she can stay here, how to help her take her meds, how to get her to eat better since she forgets.” And the nurse said gently, “How could you know?”

This literally had not crossed our minds. We just thought we were incompetent. In the shadow of the mountain of our mother’s decline, we hardly knew where to begin. So we started where we were, in the not knowing.

In the center of many Bierstadt paintings, you sometimes see animals grazing or drinking. They’re fine, they’re animals; they are just doing animals. But they are not the point — the point is the light. No matter how low you are, the light can reach you. It falls on animals, including us. This is positively biblical. Some of Bierstadt’s animals are lined up at the water as if they’re going to march onto Noah’s Ark. Or they’re huddled together as on a park bench, just hanging out. You have to wonder if the older deer are slightly surprised upon waking every morning, as I am, fumbling around for their glasses.

The animals never seem to have anywhere to go. I used to have lots of places I had to get to. I had to go out for this or that, and it was an emergency — graph paper! I suddenly, urgently, needed to drive to town for graph paper. Also, in the old days when there was something to celebrate, I’d go out to a nice restaurant with friends. To celebrate now, I might exuberantly skip flossing for a night, and maybe if the news is good enough, the hip exercises. Wild times.

In my younger days when the news was too awful, I sought meaning in it. Now, not so much. The meaning is that we have come through so much, and we take care of each other and, against all odds, heal, imperfectly. We still dance, but in certain weather, it hurts. (Okay, always.)

The portals of age also lead to the profound (indeed earthshaking) understanding that people are going to do what people are going to do: They do not want my always-good ideas on how to have easier lives and possibly become slightly less annoying.

Now there is some acceptance (partly born of tiredness) that I can’t rescue or fix anyone, not even me. Sometimes this affords me a kind of plonky peace, fascination and even wonder at people and life as they tromp on by.

The price of aging is high: constant aches, real pain and barely survivable losses. But each time my hip unseizes, it reminds me that this life is not going to go on forever, and that is what makes it so frigging precious.

Another gift of aging is the precipitous decline in melodrama. Enjoying how unremarkable life is takes practice and time, and then the little things start to shine and delight. Life gets smaller and in its smallness it starts winking at you. On my first day back in New Mexico recently, the high desert looked barren and brown. Pretty, yes, but a little dead. Then the tiny desert flowers, yellow, lavender, magenta and baby blue, made their way into my consciousness, and the earth’s shades of ochre and red started to warm me, and before long the formerly dead desert was alive and awash in dynamic, undulating streams of color.

[Albert Bierstadt :: Yosemite]

Sometimes at the right or the top center of Bierstadt paintings is a trippy splash of light, often a mystical, jagged slash that breaks through dirty-looking or white-fire clouds. There might be bright reflections, or long, slanted fingers of sun shining down with religious airs, organ music playing softly in the background. Puffy rainclouds glow. All say, “Yes, there is the deep dark, but we have some light as well.”

Will my brothers or I inherit our mother’s Alzheimer’s? I don’t know. I do know that I recently parked in front of my house and sort of forgot to turn off the engine. Three hours later, a formerly standoffish young neighbor knocked on my door to tell me this, and I pretended to have known. I said the battery had been low and so I was letting it recharge.

“Ah,” she said.

Now she is sweet when she sees me. We wave to each other when we pass in our cars, reflecting a new affection. Reflections say, “In the dark, there’s still some light around. So don’t ever think things are too dark. We’re not going to give you the entire reserve, but we just want you to know it is there. And more may be on its way.”

[Anne Lamott]

#articles #Anne Lamott #aging #age #Bierstadt #WAPO #Washington Post #paintings #Thanksgiving #Yosemite #about art #Albert Bierstadt

[yellowloid]

Hello! I wanted to share my experience since I saw your post about recent gig, if it's ok :) I was in Paris at the Accor Arena too, but on May 10th. It was their 3rd show in a row and for some reason I was worried that they would be tired by this point, but no!! Alex was in some kind of an upper mood, quite excited even. Yeah, somewhere between songs he said "we are (or I am) exhausted at this point, but we are so happy" or smth like that. In fact, English is not my first language, and it was difficult to understand him sometimes, and I understood some phrases only after the concert from the fan videos on Instagram lol

Btw, he spoke French quite often that day, almost more than English ahahha. He greeted us in French, constantly thanked us in French with merci, "big ideas" was also said in French, and during dsdcihmyc he shouted "chair" in French. And during Body Paint, he awkwardly touched a standing guitar with a cord and dropped it that I couldn’t stop laughing afterwards. But outro BP was something incredibly exciting, he was great, completely immersed in what he was doing. During I wanna be yours, I almost cried, he sang it so soulfully, as if mentally returning to past happy moments in his memory. Oh, and yes, we had Cornerstone. Sorry...

As for the crowd, I completely agree with you. But, even though I had sitting places, already on the second song everyone stood up and did not sit down until the very end, dancing and screaming (me in particularly). To the right and left sides of me there were cute grandfathers in earplugs (funny that there alone, like they literally came to listen to the group, not to spend time with their grandchildren), who danced more actively than me and filmed every song on the phone ahhaha, it was very nice to see them! And before the encore, the stadium was shaking with clatter and I had goosebumps all over my body, the applause did not stop for a minute until they came out again. But yes, there was clearly a revival on the hype songs from AM, and on the songs from The Car everyone calmed down a bit. Of course, this is not Glasto, but still the audience was on fire.

And there were many more moments when he sang "I am a fool for you" directly to the camera, shouted something in the middle of the songs or between them, bowled on Pretty Visitors, said some little phrases between each song, it's unforgettable. I even had a mental breakdown after the concert, like only after the gig I realized that I saw them live and that they all were REAL indeed. Alex is so tiny sweety pie, and when he was blowing kisses at the very end and smiling sincerely, it made him look like a child. I just love them all so so much. I want to go to one more concert, because it really went disastrously fast.

Best experience in my life, happy that you also had it! ❤️

how dare you do this to me while i'm still drowning in concert nostalgia sjhdggdgsg

the usual french banter was actually so wholesome at my show too <3 definitely expected him to say something more but you won't catch me complaining shfgsg. and the "LA CHAISE" moment at yours was so random and silly how did y'all not collectively eat him. also not him dropping a guitar LMAOOOO

and i absolutely agree, body paint is already such a powerful song (it's been in my top three from the car from the very first moment eheheh) but hearing it live is just so........uGH it's soso powerful and the instrumental part when he always goes to jamie and they do their thing is absolutely beautiful and intense and aaaaa <///3

ugh i'll never forgive them for not giving me cornerstone and i was very upset about that BUT i have to say i probably would've been even MORE upset if they played perfect sense because i feel like it's rarer yknow? it's much more likely for them to play cornerstone (for obvious reasons) rather than perfect sense or even star treatment (which thankfully i got sjghdgf)

also iwby.......yeah. he always looks so pensive when he sings that and i'm like who HURT you babygirl <////3

yeah about the audience it was exactly the same at my show, we were all standing up and jumping around for most of the concert (mostly am and fwn tracks) but then the majority would go dead for specific songs, mostly from the car. but you can BET i was still singing my heart out. and also YEAH can we talk about the applause at the end of the main set and after the encore???? it just didn't stop it lasted SO LONG and it was SO WELL DESERVED because they were AMAZING

i awww'ed out loud at the grandfathers that is literally so sweet. i hope they had a great time :')

i don't remember if he bowled at my show but he did raise the mic stand in the air during pretty visitors sjfhsgfgs i also think he did something similar to what you said during sias, or maybe another song i don't remember - but yeah he pointed directly at the camera and i saw it on the big screen and almost collapsed right there and then lmao. and when he kept waving goodbye and blowing kisses and smiling he was so pretty and he really looked happy to be there and i just never wanted him to get off stage :') i truly wanted that moment to last forever.

the feeling you get once you realize that you're actually seeing them/you saw them is CRAZY. like they exist! they're real and tangible and you were in the same place as them! breathing the same air! and right after it's done (it literally goes by so fast) you start missing them so much. it's almost been two weeks and i'm still so emotional and nostalgic <///3 i love them so much and i miss them terribly.

thank you for sharing your experience anon, it was a pleasure reading about it and i'm happy we both had a great time!!

#I MISS THEM I MISS THEM #THEY WERE SO PERFECT I WANT TO GO BACK LET ME GO BACK #</////////3 #answered #arctic monkeys #accor arena

[sluttyminghao]

pspspspspsps minghao is proud of you

The light of your computer screen stings your eyes, and you blink a few times to push back your tiredness. 

“Baby?” Minghao’s voice is soft and sweet, and you swivel your chair to find him with your favorite tea — one he had to pay ridiculous shipping to import, but did every time he saw your reserves running low — in your favorite mug, one he’d painted himself with a bunch of cartoon cats. “C’mere. Take a break for a bit.”

You sigh but nod, and he welcomes you into his arms, one hand rubbing along your spine. 

“You’re working so hard, darling,” he whispers, lips brushing your hairline as he presses soft kisses to your skin. “Need to take a break for a second, okay?”

He guides you to sit on the edge of the bed, handing you the tea — it’s the perfect temperature and sweetness, and you smile at him.

Minghao returns it, pulling you into his side and resting his head on top of yours.

“How’s it coming along?”

“I don’t feel confident in it,” you admit, and he hums, and you feel him nod. It makes you chuckle, your free hand sliding to find his and lace your fingers with his. You absently spin one of his rings — a fidget ring you’d bought him after hearing him click a pen one too many times when he was reading over something you’d done for work — on his fingers, and he stretches his palm out to let you trace the calluses and the warmth of his hand with slow fingers.

“Want me to read it?” There’s no expectation in his voice, but you nod. “I’m sure it’s great. You get too into your head about these things.” He tells you, and his fingers curl around yours so he can rub his thumb over the back of your palm. “You’re so good at what you do.”

“Don’t try to flatter me,” you murmur, hiding your smile into your mug as you drink more of the tea, and he chuckles, nose brushing your skin as he moves to kiss your cheek. One hand turns your chin so you face him, and he kisses your nose.

“Honesty isn’t flattery,” he reminds you, thumb rubbing over your cheek. You lean into the warmth of his hand, and his eyes sparkle at the sight of you relaxing into him. “I’m proud of you, baby. I know you’re good at what you do. I don’t give empty compliments, you know that.”

“You’re too nice to me,” you breathe out, and Minghao shakes his head in a firm no.

“I’m honest. Even though I adore you, if something you wrote needs to be improved on, I’ll tell you. But you’re good at what you do, and I have full confidence in your abilities.” His tone leaves no room for argument. “You’re too harsh on yourself. I deserve to be proud of you, if you’re not going to be proud of yourself.”

You snort at that and set your empty mug on the nightstand, shifting your body to curl more into his side and press a short kiss to his jaw. “I’m proud of my own work,”

“Sometimes.” Minghao’s hands both move to trace shapes along your spine. “But I’m your biggest cheerleader, and that’s never changing, darling. I’m going to cheer you on until you’re embarrassed, and even then, I’m not stopping.”

“You’d publicly humiliate me?” You gasp, playfully offended, and he scrunches up his nose at you.

“I think it’d be more embarrassing for me, but yes. I’ll scream how proud I am from the rooftops until you have no choice but to believe me.”

“You’re so annoying,” you tell him, smile in your voice betraying your feelings.

Minghao only laughs. “Yeah, yeah. We’re cuddling. No more work for the night.”

You’re silent for a bit as he lays the two of you back and tangles his legs with your own. “Can you say it again?”

He leans back to hold eye contact with you. “I love you. And I’m proud of you.”

im literally going to CRY i have read this multiple times and cried every single time

#a's answers #mutuals: rose!

[so-many-fandoms-here]

(English isn’t my first language so feel free to correct any mistake you notice.)

• Characters: Takatora Samura (Last Boss), fem!Reader

• Genre: Angst, fluff (turned out more fluff that I intended)

• Warnings: detailed description of death and decay, talking about the meaning of life

Angst Prompts - #8

Ⱄⱄ. .ⱄⰔ Ⱄⱄ. .ⱄⰔ Ⱄⱄ. .ⱄⰔ Ⱄⱄ. .ⱄⰔ

Since I came into this world I saw and felt absolutely everything. I saw people laughing like maniacs right before a laser shot trough their head. Saw people crying about still being alive and how they prayed for their death or the courage to end it themselves. I saw craziness, hope and despair. And I felt all of it too. I cried and laughed, I mourned and partied, I felt how sanity and craziness alternated my brain and I felt how grateful and yet unappreciative I was for being alive. It felt like my brain was eating itself.

Back in the real world, living always felt like a burden. You were alive because you had to. I was sick of it and longed for a change. Now life was a privilege and I still didn’t know how to feel about it. Do I want to go back? Or do I want do find the meaning of life here? Questions over questions flooded my brain and just as I thought I was about to drown in them I met him.

Last Boss was a skinny guy with lots of tattoos covering his body. He looked impenetrable and always had a katana with him.

He understood me. He was like a drain to my overflowing head and our talks helped me to empty out the water soaked dizziness my brain was drowning in.

One night I talked to myself as I sat on the rooftop, hoping if I ask my questions out loud some intention of mine would answer me. „What is life all about?“

Instead of getting an answer by my intentions, the stars, god or whatever, Last Boss answered me. „I never figured it out. But since I am here, I feel like I am closer to the answer.“

Maybe it was fate. We both went upstairs regularly but somehow we always missed each other. But tonight, with my head heavier than usual by all the stuff around me, he suddenly was there.

Since then we met up almost every evening to talk. I never had so honest and deep conversations with anyone else before and for the first time it felt like someone gets me, that I don’t seem crazy. We talked about our lives before and what we wanted to leave behind, about the definition of good and evil, about how moral codes doesn’t exist in this world and how life becomes a deeper meaning here. Last Boss was determined to stay here until the very end, I for my part was still unsure, but the imagination to stay and have this conversations with him until one of us died sounded surprisingly tempting. I know that I fell for him at the worst time possible but what I also know is that I wouldn’t trade what we have with anything in the world. It seemed more meaningful than anything I’ve experienced before.

„Are you afraid to die?“, I asked him one night as we once again lay next to each other in bed, another ritual we started one day without any particular reason.

„No“, he simply replied. „Are you?“ I thought about it for a second before answering. „I don’t know“, I say. „Probably. But not more than I am afraid of living.“ Another statement any other person would‘ve called me crazy for, but not Last Boss.

„I really like you, you know“, I admitted after we both went silent for a while. „You do?“, he asked, nervousness painting his voice. „I do“ I reassure. „Not a good time for things like this. Or maybe it is, I don’t know. I just wanted to let you know. You get me, you know.“

His hand touched mine and quickly linked its fingers with mine. „What do you think happens after we die?“

Another question I have to think about. I’ve asked myself this a couple of times but never really came to a conclusion. „I don’t know“, I said again.

„I think we will become one with the earth“, Last Boss whispered, brushing his thumb over my hand. „I like that“, I admitted with a smile. „That would make us being of use.“

The tattooed man let go of my hand and turned on his side to look at me. „What do you mean?“ I rolled on my side too and looked into his eyes. „If we don’t get cremated our bodies will rot away, feeding the worms and the ground. Our death will be compost for new life to begin and spread.“

„That‘s beautiful“, Last Boss whispered. Other people would frown and call him sick for viewing this morbid fantasy as beautiful, but I nodded confirming. „Yeah. Maybe that’s the meaning behind life.“ „To die and create room and resources for new life. To keep the cycle upright.“, he finished my thoughts.

The dim light shined through the window on his face, lighting it up just enough for me to see his dark orbs that stare right into mine. My hand brushed over his cheek while I can’t help but to smile. He placed his hand over mine to make sure I wouldn’t move it away, then he whispered: „I don’t care about the time.“ Obviously picking up my on my confession again.

My smile got even wider as I brushed with my thumb softly over his lips. Then I got closer to him and pressed my lips on his. And again. And again.

#fanfiction #x reader #alice in borderland #aib #alice in borderland x reader #alice in borderland x y/n #aib x reader #aib x y/n #fluff #Angst #last boss alice in borderland #Alice in borderland last boss #alice in borderland takatora samura #takatora samura alice in borderland #Last Boss #Takatora Samura #takatora samura x reader #Last Boss x Reader #angst prompts

[scotianostra]

On January 30th 1649 the English executed the Scottish born King Charles I.

I covered the the trial just 10 days ago, so will skip past most of that.

Charles had refused to enter a plea during the trial, this played right into the hands of his enemies, had he recognised the legitimacy of the court he may have been able to be given clemency and avoided execution, I think on the day of his sentence he realised what a mistake he had made.

The prisoner was addressed as one ‘Charles Stuart’, ‘tyrant, traitor, murderer and public enemy’, and, as such, he was to be ‘be put to death by his severing his head from his body’. The court stood. Charles now knew there was to be no negotiation. ‘Will you hear me a word Sir?’ he asked. ‘No Sir’ he was told, ‘You are not to be heard after the sentence’.

When the sentence was handed down  Scots, French and Dutch ambassadors made veiled threats about what they might do if he were to be executed. Charles was, after all, a King of Scots, the uncle of the king of France and father in law of the Prince of Orange. Little came of their protests though, the would carry out the sentence.

Charles I spoke his last words on the scaffold. His words echoed the phrase stitched on his standard at the outbreak of civil war: ‘Give Caesar His Due’.  A ‘subject and a sovereign were clean different things’, he said.  A sovereign alone had a divine right to rule. But he wanted his the people’s ‘liberties and freedom as much as anybody’. These lay in the rule of law, he argued, that he had defended in court at the cost of his life. As such, ‘I am a martyr of the people’, he said.

As I’ve said before the Stewart/Stuart dynasty was all based on their belief that they had a Divine right to rule, a doctrine upheld by the entire Stuart dynasty, one of the most powerful families ever to have ruled Scotland.

They believed that kings were chosen by God to rule, and that only God could overrule them.

Charles also believed that he had the sole right to make laws, so to oppose him was a sin against God.

He genuinely believed that a dictatorship was the only effective form of government.

This belief is best summed up in the magnificent Rubens ceiling painting at the Banqueting House, as seen in the third and fourth pics, it was commissioned by Charles to celebrate these divine principles. In the detail of the centre piece, The Apotheosis of James I, his father is portrayed ascending to heaven in a cloud of glory.

Perhaps it was this belief that Charles  met his death with courage and dignity, he was, after all going to heaven.

The King told his two youngest not to grieve, that they should obey their elder brother Charles, the lawful sovereign.

Charles had a final meeting n 29th January 1649, with two of his children, Elizabeth and Henry,  an emotional 13 year old  Elizabeth, his second daughter cried hysterically when she realised she should not see her father again, and he hid his own tears to calm her.  She recorded every detail in her diary that evening. The scene is played out in the fifth picture.

The diaries were discovered 18 months later when she tragically died of pneumonia, here is an extract;

" He bid us tell my mother that his thoughts had never strayed from her and that his love would be the same to the last. Withal, he commanded me and my brother to be obedient to her; and bid me send his blessing to the rest of my brothers and sisters, with communications to all his friends. Then, taking my brother Gloucester on his knee, he said, 'Sweetheart, now they will cut off thy father's head.' And Gloucester looking very intently upon him, he said again, "Heed, my child, what I say: they will cut off my head and perhaps make thee a king. But mark what I say. Thou must not be a king as long as thy brothers Charles and James do live; for they will cut off your brothers' heads when they can catch them and cut off thy head too at the last, and therefore I charge you, do not be made a king by them.' At which my brother sighed deeply, and made answer: 'I will be torn in pieces first!' And these words, coming so unexpectedly from so young a child, rejoiced my father exceedingly. And his majesty spoke to him of the welfare of his soul, and to keep his religion, commanding him to fear God, and He would provide for him. Further, he commanded us all to forgive those people, but never to trust them; for they had been most false to him and those that gave them power, and he feared also to their own souls. And he desired me not to grieve for him, for he should die a martyr, and that he doubted not the Lord would settle his throne upon his son, and that we all should be happier than we could have expected to have been if he had lived; with many other things which at present I cannot remember."

The following morning, Tuesday 30 January, the King rose early and dressed for the icy weather, asking for a thicker than normal shirt, so that he wouldn’t shiver, and people wouldn’t think he was quaking with fear.

He then retired with Bishop Juxon to pray until a knock came on the door at 10am. Charles, the Bishop and his attendant Thomas Herbert walked across St James’s Park, the King wrapped in a black cloak, surrounded on all sides by guards. The King was taken to his bedchamber in Whitehall Palace, to await summons to the scaffold. This came three hours later.

A huge crowd had gathered in the bitter weather. But they were held so far away that the King’s final short speech was lost in the freezing air. Erected against the Banqueting House in Whitehall, the scaffold was hung round with black cloth. In the centre of the blackened and sanded floor stood the axe and a lower quartering block of a kind used to dismember traitors. Two men, heavily disguised with masks, stood ready to perform the act.

Among his last words were "I go from a corruptible, to an incorruptible Crown, where no disturbance can be, no disturbance in the world.”

He exchanged a few words with his executioner then  as “he stood to himself with hands and eyes lift up, immediately stooping down, the king laid his neck on the block.”

After a very little pause, the king stretching forth his hands, in signal that he was ready the Executioner at one blow, severed his head from his body.

Many watching were aghast, with one witness commenting 'There was such a groan by the thousands then present as I never heard before and desire I may never hear again’.

It was common practice for the severed head of a traitor to be held up and exhibited to the crowd with the words "Behold the head of a traitor!"  Charles's head was exhibited, but those words were not used, possibly because the executioner did not want his voice recognised. On the day after the execution, the king's head was sewn back onto his body, which was then embalmed and placed in a lead coffin.

His enemies refused to allow Charles's burial at Westminster Abbey, so his body was conveyed to Windsor on the night of 7th February.  He was buried in private on 9th February 1649 in the Henry VIII vault in the chapel's quire, alongside the coffins of Henry VIII and Henry's third wife, Jane Seymour, in St George's Chapel, Windsor Castle. The king's son, Charles II, later planned for an elaborate royal mausoleum to be erected in Hyde Park, London, but it was never built. 

The final two pics are the shirt worn by Charles I for his execution, and his grave at Windsor. 

I will leave it to Monty Python to provide a wee bit levity to this post for an epitaph on Charles I….

“The most interesting thing about King Charles the First is that he was five foot six inches tall at the start of his reign, but only four foot eight inches tall at the end of it.”

#Scotland #scottish #the stuarts #king charles i #regicide #execution #history

[philosogarts]

Draco always knew he was never destined for a long life. There, at that moment, while analyzing the paintings in that cursed mansion, he realized that he would carry the pains of his relatives forever. His existence had been shaped and decided by people who would never understand what it was like to be an abomination. No, they didn't know, they didn't know anything about it.

The fourth year was about to begin and the pressure to be the prodigy was in the air. The wind coming from the south blew on his face, messing up his hair. Anxiety eroded his pores, and the long-awaited day had finally arrived. Draco could swear he had waited for that moment for years. The vacation was over; it meant he could go back to being just Draco, not Draco Lucius Malfoy. It was exhausting to pretend to be someone who was not, or rather, to do things that I hated. This corroded its essence in its entirety.

Upon hearing steps approaching, Draco automatically adjusted his posture. Lucius, with his defiant look, approached him and said, without looking away: "You need to stand out, don't even consider being in second place because of a bad blood. Do you understand me? Don't make jokes. If you take a step out of the line, know that I will not hesitate to go to Hogwarts to have a little chat with you."

Draco swallowed it dry and just agreed. "Okay, Dad," he replied. He hated that word, he hated his own father, but, above all, he missed him.

Leaving that thought aside, he said goodbye to his mother. A part of him cried out to hug her and say how much he loved her, wishing she would be fine, but he couldn't, not with his father watching. So he was content with a discreet smile. He would send letters, I was sure of that.

Some time later, he arrived at the station. The relief he felt was unmizable. He felt like screaming, jumping, smiling until his face hurt. Until he felt a tug on his clothes: it was Theodore. Your best friend, your most beloved companion. The joy of seeing Theo's face after so long was so intense that Draco couldn't even think about the next step, he simply went straight into his friend's arms.

"Theo, you idiot, I missed you so much. My bones missed you, damn it," Draco said, feeling dizzy.

"Draco, my love, I felt even more. My God, I missed your hug," Theo replied with a smile, but soon his expression changed. "You grew up more than me, again."

Draco couldn't stop laughing. It was amazing, just minutes before, he could have thrown himself on the train tracks, but now he would do anything to run away with Theo. "Do you expect me to apologize for growing up, Theodore?" he provoked, having fun with the situation.

"You know I'm not going to be mad at you right now, it's a very special moment. I really missed you," Theo said with a sigh.

"I missed it too, at home everything is so... loud. I felt alone all the time."

"But you have me, you blonde."

"Oh, that's envy, I presume."

And when Draco thought that his world was finally taking color again, his blood froze. His father watched him all this time. He saw the hug. He saw the smiles. He saw everything.

Draco finally allowed himself to feel good. Sometimes the world seemed too overwhelming to bear, but with Theo it was different, it was never too much, and even if it was, it was good to hear him.

The trip continued smoothly on the way to Hogwarts. At one point, Draco decided to walk on the train with Theo.

"I swear to Merlin that I spent every vacation wishing to eat these sweets from the train," Theo said, looking at Draco with a radiant smile.

"I spent all my vacation wishing to run away, run far away, until I forgot who I am," Draco confessed this time.

"That way, you would forget me," Theo said with a fun expression.

"You know I'll never forget you."

When Draco said that, he felt like he bumped into someone. Until your world turned upside down. There he was, the magnificent Potter. His hair was still a mess, his crooked glasses were the same, but Draco couldn't explain what he felt. He is handsome, a thought screamed in his mind, and Draco felt obliged not to think about it anymore.

"Well, well, the Scar is here, in the same place as me, breathing the same air as me. It's an honor. Could you give me an autograph? I heard you're not humble at all, Potter, but maybe I can do it, right?" said Draco, feeling happier than ever.

"Shut up, Malfoy. At this point, everyone already knows that you really want an autograph of mine," Harry replied with a fun air.

"Oh, me? Spare me. You're drooling over me, Potter."

"See you around, Malfoy."

"I hope I don't see you anymore, Potter."

#drarry #draco malfoy #harry potter imagine #harry angst #harry potter #harry x draco #hogwarts oc

[aceofwhump]

Okay quick warning, if you have started watching The Mentalist for the first time DO NOT READ THIS POST!! I'm serious, don't read it. I have some thoughts and feelings about the conclusion of the Red John stuff and while I try to stay spoiler free I still spoil stuff. 

Please do not read this post if you have just started to watch this show or plan on watching it!!! Do yourself a favor and keep the mystery!!!

Okay if you hit the read more then you've agreed to spoilers. From here on out it's not my fault if you get spoiled. I did my best. 

This might be mildly incoherent but bear with me there are a lot of thoughts and feelings running through my head concerning 6x08 and the finale of the Red John arc.

Mostly I'm just sobbing tbh. This whole episode has me sobbing for so many reasons. There are four main things I wanna rant about though and the are the house, the couch, the tea cup, and CBI. 

Why am I sobbing about these random things? Because these random things are all that Jane has left in his life and over the course of two episodes he loses every single one of them. Some of these things are bigger than others and to Jane, they don't mean much in the moment. He knows who and where Red John is and that’s all that matter to him. The culmination of 10 years of fighting and searching. 10 years of doing anything he had to do. Anything. All in the name of avenging the deaths of his wife and daughter. So if he loses a few possessions in the process then it'll be worth it to him because all that matters is Red John. 

But to me (And to a future more at peace Patrick Jane)? These things are important. So so important. And I definitely cried at the loss of each one. No wonder I never kept watching when this originally aired. I was devastated and emotionally wrecked rewatching it now. 

First his house. His Malibu house where he lived with Angela and Charlotte. Give a second here I'm emotional about this damn house. Jane had been staying in this house in season 1, sleeping on a mattress on the floor in the room where Red John murdered his family and painted that smiley face on the wall. Now he's returned to confront the killer but first he steps into that room again, looks at the smile in faded red, takes several deep breaths and leaves to prepare. He thought this would be the end, that he'd face Red John here in his family's home but instead he is only able to narrow his list to 3 and then the explosion happens. I know it's just the smaller guest house behind his main house and the main house is untouched but this is his family's home and a part of it has been blown up. That's significant. 

Next, the couch and the teacup. My god, the fucking couch and teacup!!!! How did I get so fucking attached to two random objects! God damn you Patrick Jane! They're so close to the end, so close to RJ when the FBI comes in and takes it all away. They roll away the couch in front of him and then some idiot knocks into Jane and he drops his cup on the floor and it shatters and SO DID MY HEART!!!!

Finally the CBI. And I don't just mean the job. I mean the building he basically lives in and the team who has become his family. 

Jane's final confrontation with Red John. Holy mother of fuck. I have feelings. I'm not gonna talk about any of the typical stuff like pay off and satisfaction and blah blah blah. I'm not even gonna talk about the chase or their talk in the church or the fact that he ran past the graves of his wife and daughter to get to Red John. 

No, I'm here to talk about this:

(link to post)

Simon Baker is a fucking amazing actor. There are so many tiny things he does that just end me on sight. The way he takes several long deep breaths to steady himself and prepare himself for this moment as he approaches a down RJ. When he takes RK by the throat and asks him if he was sorry he killed Angela and Charlotte, the strain in his voice and the tears on his face straight up murdered me and I sobbed. But then….the he starts to squeeze and all we see is this. Look at the emotions rolling through him as he chokes the life out of the man who destroyed everything that was good in his life, who destroyed him. There's no music in this scene. We don't see Red John's face at all. All we have is the noises of him choking and Jane's expressions. The anger, the grief, the hatred, the sadness all roll through him only to end with the release of a gasp and breathe as Red John takes his final one. 

And while we're at it let's talk about this:

(link to post with tags by purplelephantsarewrong)

Jeezus fucking christ. I mean it's not a secret that Patrick Jane has very little regards to his own life and has been borderline suicidal this whole time but this moment right here makes it canon and obvious. Jane was 100% going to kill himself at this moment and has most likely always planned on taking his own life after he killed Red John. If it wasn't for his need for revenge keeping him going he probably would have killed himself a long time ago. But here, the deed is done. He's completed his mission and avenged his family. He raises the gun to end his life because what does he have to live for now? He has nothing left. But he stops. He puts the gun down and he picks up the phone instead and he calls Lisbon. He calls Lisbon to tell her it's done and that he's okay because he remembers that she cares about him, she worries about him. He can't leave her. He can't hurt her. If he died she'd be devastated and he can't do that to her. So he lives. For her. He doesn't pull the trigger and instead he runs. 

(link to post)

Jane runs off to Lisbon's car and shouts "Thanks guys" as he drives away and that seems small for what they just did but you can tell, you can see it in his face and hear it in his voice that what they just did meant the world to him. 

#the mentalist spoilers #the mentalist #patrick jane #meta #mod rambles about her favs #mod post #the mentalist meta #spoilers #mentalist spoilers

[fandom-took-my-sanity]

Abbott Elementary 2x02 “Wrong Delivery”

- Just from the cold open I could tell this was going to be an amazing episode, and I was SO RIGHT

- The easy relationship that the main characters have is beautiful, and I loved that they’re not telling Barbara what she’s doing. Real top tier friend behavior right there

- So...Taylor’s out of the picture? She was never really IN the picture because I think we only really saw her once or twice, but it’s still good to know

- Greg dating Taylor reminded me so much of when Jonah dated Glen’s daughter. Just the awkward position he’s in with Barbara (which was just the right amount of awkward I think, I didn't faint of second-hand embarrassment)

- I am 100% going to keep pointing out the similarities between Abbott and some of my other favorite workplace comedies, because I think it’s very cool when I see tropes or situations I like shown across different shows

- So that being said:

- Couples who frozen dessert together, stay together amiright?

- I loved that Janine got Greg the ice and went over to check on him. A lot of the time it’s him checking in on her, and you can just tell that she really cares about him and he really cares about her and ughhhhh I hate that this show is airing right now because I want to look up if they get married and all their details but I obviously can't do that

- I loved “What did you tell them?” because what WOULD Jacob have told his class about him?

- Melissa’s sister is a nice added layer to her. I wonder what's going to happen with that

- Also, Melissa throwing a corn cob at someone>>>>

- School funding is tricky, I liked that storyline, and Janine realizing that at the end of the day, the kids just want to feel special. At my school they gave us all laptops, which I am so grateful for. But every time I try to search for information I need to learn (like pretty much anything WWII related) and I get blocked by the content blocker, I wonder if it was the BEST use of their funding. The cost of school lunch went up to $4, when it was free last year, and today in chem my teacher told us that she cried when she got sent gluesticks by a student, because she would otherwise have to buy them herself. It’s interesting how schools choose to spend their funds, and I really do think that students (speaking as one myself) just want to feel appreciated, and like our needs are being met.

- A side note about the laptops (so sorry I’m going off topic, this just related really nicely for me). Last year if you had a laptop of your own, you could bring it to school and use it for work. If you didn't have one, you could rent one from the school for the year. It was very easy, it was free, and they had enough for everyone who wanted to rent one to get one. This year they are requiring all students to only work on the school’s laptops, and you are not allowed to bring in a personal computer. The only reason I have a laptop is because I needed it to do school online, so now I have this expensive piece of technology that I cannot use for the reason I have it. Last year’s system worked fine in my opinion, but I’m not on the school board, so I guess I wouldn't know. It’s just strange to me is all. Thanks for sticking through that if you did.

- Not enough Barbara and Melissa in this episode!

- I feel like Ava just isn't around as much as she used to be, is that just me?

- Janine did not look disappointed at all when she told Jacob she was sorry to hear Taylor and Gregory had broken up. I see you Janine

- I do not like that charter school teacher at all. I hope we never see her again, she was way too smug

- Oh my gosh the mice. That freaked me out and reminded my of how my school is currently home to a few too many HUGE spiders

- I think if Janine had painted her whole room that color it would’ve been distracting. It was a little TOO blue

- My family started talking during the pitch prep scene. It’s like they don't understand that my ship is onscreen! It’s a time for observing!

- Wednesday is my favorite day of the week hands down. I’ll see you all next time!

#abbott elementary #abbott elementary season 2 #janine teagues #gregory eddie #barbara howard #melissa schemmenti #jacob hill #ava coleman #janine x gregory #teddie #you all know by this point im just creating my own ship name #I AM CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP #sorry for going into rant mode there #I just have a lot of feelings about this

[casspurrjoybell-23]

Berserkr - Chapter 8 - Part 2

*Warning Adult Content*

A Chance

For a long moment, Vali could only stare, mouth opening and closing as he attempted to wrap his fatigued mind around the scene that was unfolding before his very eyes.

But just as Valie began to come to, heart bleeding as he grieved for the anguish that shined through Kerr's hazel irises, the Omega's eyes fell upon a ghost.

The movement could have been mistaken for shifting shadows at first, exaggerated by the torch whose light rose and fell in varying intensities with every passing second.

However, as the tiny figure emerged further into the light, materializing from the space behind Kerr's massive back, silky black hair, pale skin and blue eyes painted the unmistakable picture of Valie's best friend.

Valie's 'deceased' best friend.

"No. No, no..."

Overcome by emotion, the Omega stumbled out of Einar's hold at once, shaking his head absently as he backed away, further, further and further still until his heels made contact with the very back wall of the loft.

There was so much that he wanted to say, so much that he wanted to do as the pupils of his best friend's ghost connected with his own.

But as Valie's lower eyelids welled with yet unshed tears, his throat quickly followed suit, filling to the brim with a cotton thickness that left him with no other option but to try his best not to hyperventilate.

"Valie..." the ghost whispered, his tone just as frail as Valie's own heart as he stepped past both Alphas, making his way toward the place where Valie still cowered.

"Valie... Is that... really you?"

"I– I..." the other Omega sputtered, pressing himself into the wallboards so firmly that he was sure that his back would sustain a thousand splinters.

But nevertheless, no pain in the entire world could ever compare to the twisted cruelty of being forced to endure such maleficent witchcraft.

The ghost strode even closer then, only a foot or so away from his position now,and from this close, even Valie had to admit that he looked... so real.

Almost like he could just reach out and...

The moment that Vali's fingertips made solid contact with his friend's cheek rather than passing right through as he so expected them to do, tears overflowed into a monsoon of disbelief.

"Tofa?" he cried silently, cheeks stretching up into a dubious smile as his hand stretched out, feeling for his friend's neck, trying to check a pulse, anything to confirm what he so wished to be true.

Tofa's face was just as beautiful as it always was, with its soft slopes and gentle curves and even the dirt that clung to every inch of his skin did nothing to dampen that fact.

"Tofa?"

"Yeah."

Long, black hair swaying with the movement, Tofa only nodded, the Omega's large, blue eyes welling to the brim with tears of his own.

"Yeah, Val. It's me."

And that was all that it took before long-lost friends were united again, wrapping arms tight around one another and sobbing endlessly into a crushing embrace.

"Dear Odin, I thought that you were gone," Valie wept.

"I am so sorry, Tofa, I should have never left you there all alone. Oh, you must have been so, so frightened," he apologized, knuckles going white at the force with which he clutched onto his friend's tunic.

Inhaling, the familiar scent of his friend soothed something so deep in his aching soul that the relief was nearly unbearable.

"But how... how could you possibly be here?" he asked, voice still filled with incredulity despite the proof that was right there, sobbing in his arms all the same.

Pulling back from their embrace by just a fraction, Tofa offered Valie a watery smile as he reached up, cupping his friend's cheeks as he laughed, overcome with Joy.

"Shortly after ya' left to see what was happening on the other side of the cliff, I was snatched up rough by some of the biggest Alphas I ever did see. I was so scared, Vali... I nearly passed out right then and there," he gulped, fingers quivering as he recalled such dark memories.

"They chained me up real good and made me walk what felt like a million miles until we finally got here. But then, right after they ordered for me and the others to be put into one of the slave holdings for processin'... Kerr... he saved me, Val. Made his master think I got away on my own and stashed me in the cellars until we could figure out what to do," he whispered the last part, as if he himself could barely believe such a thing had really happened.

"And he was beaten for it, Val, flogged for hours for lettin' me escape. And yet still, he showed up every day, bringing me food and drink and caring for me as best he could while I was holed up in those dark, dank cellars," Tofa paused, glancing over his shoulder at his Alpha, who was currently engaged with Einar in hushed conversation as they allowed their mates the space to reunite properly.

"Now don't get me wrong, I still have my reservations about him but..."

Vali didn't miss the flickering of deep-seated affection that Tofa's irises held as said this.

"I think ya' might've been right about Alphas after all, Val... I really might've fetched myself one of the good ones."

"Oh, by Odin, Tofa."

A small giggle of hope choked its way through Valie's tears at Tofa's optimistic words, elation at his friend's discovery of his own fated usurping any and all fears he may have previously held.

"This is such wonderful news," Valie mimicked his friend's movements, unable to keep his fingertips still as they caressed every available inch of Tofa's face, mind still not fully caught up with the truth that his best friend... the only person he ever considered family... had survived.

"We must all introduce ourselves. Come, come."

Gathering up his friend in the crook of his arm, Valie led Tofa the few feet back to where both of their Alphas still stood.

Standing tall and broad as ever, the attention of both men was drawn to their reunited Omegas in a split second, gravitating toward their respective mate in such a way that many would only describe as wholly instinctual.

Knowing that such a gruff man was Tofa's fated changed everything about how he perceived the intimidating fellow.

And as he watched Kerr float his way over to Tofa's side, a solid mass of muscle hovering just behind Tofa's petite form like a bodyguard of the highest order, Valie's initial apprehension poached itself down to none other than an airy simmer.

"Shall we sit?" Valie offered, gesturing to the array of furs when a sudden, notably domestic urge to provide a hospitable environment for their guests overcame him.

There was, after all, much to discuss.

Kerr bowed his head in acknowledgment of Valie's offering and as Tofa stepped toward the array of soft material that littered the far corner, the towering Viking trailed behind his fated like a shadow, taking a seat beside him only after pausing to allow his Omega to select a spot of his own, first.

And as Valie followed close behind, taking a seat adjacent to the pair, Einar provided an ever-present silhouette of his own as he descended in a heap, somehow slotting his monumental body between the wallboard and Valie's back in order to fit the Omega perfectly in the space between his long legs.

A small yelp of surprise chimed from the back of Valie's throat once Einar took the unexpected action a step further still, heat flaring into the apples of his cheeks when a heavy arm wrapped tight around his midsection, hauling him backward against a chest that felt as if it were a closer relative to steel than skin.

It was only then, when Einar's Omega was secure in his hold and his primitive Alpha instincts named themselves satisfied, that the prize Berserkr found it within himself to relax his muscles by a trace, bending one knee upward in order to utilize it as an armrest.

It was a precarious position, likely considered somewhat indecent if they possessed the gall to assume such a stance in a public setting.

However, as Valie swiveled his attention back to the other fated pair who sat with at least a foot-wide chiasm between themselves, the Omega momentarily caught a gleam of longing that twinkled across Kerr's hazel eyes as the Alpha glanced upon Einar and Valie entangled in such an intimate embrace.

[raspberryspace]

I hope you can accept who I am. I forever will always accept you as you are.

I’m tired of trying to string together some semblance of my current emotions only to be met with nothing. I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of crying in my car. I can only claw at the hope that you never felt like I intentionally did this. I only ever wanted to reciprocate the feelings I had so deep within from one soul to another. You opened and grew my world as I know it. you irreplaceably shaped the goals and values I carry on today. I wanted and will always want to repay that. To reciprocate that pure partnership. Yet I own up and know just how fucking bad my naivety and unawareness was. I never wanted that. I only ever wanted the connection. I was so lonely and latched on to anything. I’m so sorry it had to be you. Im so sorry. I just want that love back it was never out of obligation. Ever. I was going through so much. I have cried over it too much to not second guess and fight this hard for it. I want it back so fucking badly. And I know it’s not the memories pushing this, it’s what created them. I know so many external factors plagued you. I know you made that decision. I just want to make sure it was truly the right one. But that’s just what I want. If I’m selfish then so be it but I want that back for the both of us. That feeling of finding that perfect puzzle piece that fits. My gut wrenches away at me daily- desperately trying to get me to not let go. To not give up. I want to work on this. I, I, I. I, am so fucking stupid. You’ve shown me through actions that you don’t want to talk. I can’t change any of that. I can only type these vague posts into the ether praying that you read them. I’m tired. I never wanted to do you wrong. I can’t ever ask for your forgiveness. I just want to ask if we can try to heal this. My chest aches for you too. I miss you profoundly. You paint the stars overhead every night. I just want to support you and serve you water when you’re thirsty late at night. I want to drive you around while you knit. Wah. I need to be present and in the moment for myself. I need to pour myself a glass of water. I’m grateful to have myself to do that. I’m glad I hold onto the values I have. It’s okay to give too much.

I can’t justify anything I just wish you would hear me.

There isn’t anything in this life worth fighting more over than this. I can’t shake this feeling that’s so rooted within me. I cant let this fall to the wayside.

It wasn’t your fault, I know why you had to do it. Can we start again?

God it feels like it just happened two days ago

Hate being bombarded with all these narratives on how to act or what to do, every single relationship is such a unique set of circumstances. Not everything is just block and ghost. No wonder people find it so difficult these days. No one fights for perfection, you adopt each others flaws and perfect them.

The people that you’re meant to have in your life won’t need persuading or convincing.

I’m ignorant to the fact that if you wanted to text me you would. But I want to text

You because I miss you. But you don’t. You don’t miss me. You don’t express that at least.

Music that makes you dance a little bit in your seat on a long drive is something to smile at.

My heart will always skip a beat for you, missing you next to us as we grow and discover this world. You’ll always be in my heart. At every corner of the globe. I won’t sit back and wait- there are places I want to see before I die. It hurts me like no other that I have to go without you, but rest assured I’m taking pictures for you. Taking pictures of you there. Taking pictures.

I wish I could go back and do so many things over again. I wish I wish I wish I wish.

What made you believe it wasn’t truly genuine, it wasn’t truly from the depths of my heart. What made it selfish to me? I think that’s what hurts the most. That and we were just starting. We just closed the distance and we’re going to begin the greatest journey of our life. Together. Just gone. Gone with no hesitation. A pro and con list. That also will forever stay with me.

Who knew spoiling myself with trips and cool clothes would make me sort of happy. Not a fulfilling as treating someone else, I don’t think my personality allows that to ever be the case unfortunately. I do love women’s wear so much though, I want to dress someone up.

I became secure and confident within our space, left to expose the insecurities and issues. Now I feel so lost.

You’ve always had to be patient when dealing with my emotions - I hope you’ve noticed my change in dealing with them. I’m a bit faster now, I’m standing up for the little guy in me more that’s for sure. I wish I could tell you all that I’ve been reflecting on. I know you probably don’t want to hear it.

I hope you’ll remember me on a sad day when you really need it. I hate that you’re alone. I hate that you’re feeling so lonely. I wished you a community I wish that you had that group there for you. I tried to hard to make sure I never got in the way of you making and finding that group, I was so sad the night you went out on Halloween. You never invited me you never asked. I had to close down the part that wanted to ask you to consider me. Jealousy and my own value came up and overwhelmed me. I just wanted you to be happy with your friends. I tried to front it out. I know that was a mistake on my end - I should have expressed what I was feeling. But I tired to show it when I dropped it all to be there for the pick up. I tried to show it with how accommodating I was. I hate that I did that to myself. I’m sorry.

Went hiking, wish you were here. I fell while walking barefoot in a stream before the waterfall, bruised my hip - reminds me of falling off my skateboard again. Kinda made me smile again. Only 11 miles, small change compared to the walking done in Japan… I’m jumping and ready to keep doing more but my friends are tired kinda sucks.

I miss you. I wish I could hold you.

#just my thoughts from the last time I posted #my chest aches too #it’s probably for the same reason we just won’t admit it #I hate this feeling #I told myself I would wait until your birthday #to make myself let go #but I couldn’t I really fucking can’t #i won’t stop crying over all the lost effort we both put in #it shouldn’t be this way #I just want to make sure you’re okay #why can’t I just be okay #I don’t deserve to be okay #only you do #my friends cared about you so much #where did this narrative of them not looking out for you come from It makes my gut hurt because you deserved them #where did it come from #fuck man #things I don’t want her to read #things I won’t even know she reads #please let me know #please #I wish I could go back to it all with everything I’ve learned #I know I would make it better I know I will be better #I wish I listened more when you asked me to play a singe player game so you could watch #why can’t I just give it up