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jawnjendes · 4 years

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prologue: i’ll be just fine | shawn mendes

shawn x goth gf

forevermore 0/?

let me know if you want to be added to the taglist

masterlist | playlist (song added with every chapter)

2019.

"Why do you listen to these sad songs knowing they'll make you sad?" It was another thing about Ann that Shawn had yet to understand.

A majority of Ann's driving playlist consisted of some really sad songs. Shawn thought he understood this at first; Just from the way his girlfriend looked, she seemed like a sad person. However, the dark exterior wasn't due to sadness, it was quite the opposite. But the real cause of the constant sad songs was that Ann was coming out of something rough before Shawn came along, so it made sense.

Now, Ann wasn't in a rough patch anymore. At least that's how she put it. This playlist was a mix of pop and metal, the only common thing was that they all had depressing lyrics.

"The songs that elicit the strongest reactions from me are the ones I keep around," she said simply.

For once, they weren't driving. The couple were in Ann's car in an abandoned parking lot on the outskirts of town after a long day of exams. Ann didn't even bother to change the music to fit the mood. She could at least pretend she was on a date.

"So only the sad ones make you feel things?" Shawn asked, reaching over to take her hand and play with her fingers. "Don't you ever hear a song that makes you feel happy to be alive? Ones that make you wanna jump around and dance?"

"Mm, only at concerts," she said. "And I feel that high for a few days, weeks if it was a good show. The happier songs hit different when they're live."

Shawn still couldn't wrap his head around it, but that was better than nothing. At this point, he just lapped up a sliver of fun facts Ann was willing to share. So far, Shawn has learned that she prefers blue candy and that she mains Link in Mario Kart 8. Baby steps.

"Ooo, a good one," Ann said as yet another melancholy tune played.

This was a band they had in common: 5SOS. Shawn knew this particular song because he cried the first time he heard it.

Here I am waking up, still can't sleep on your side

There's your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time

If I could dream long enough, you'd tell me I'll be just fine

"Doesn't it make you want to curl up in a ball?" Ann asked, a little too cheery.

"Yeah," Shawn agreed. "Music is powerful."

"And it doesn't feel like a typical break up song," she went on. "It just feels like general loss. Feeling the absence of those who were once there, and how painful it is to live on without them."

"Have you thought of this before?"

"Is it that obvious?"

Shawn had his own thoughts. "Well, it's definitely a breakup song, the lyrics state it. But it doesn't feel like a concept that was thought up in a studio. It feels like an experience, a really painful experience."

"Exactly," Ann agreed. "Just wondering who hurt these guys so bad."

"Have you been hurt this bad?" Shawn knew this was a risky question to ask, because Ann doesn't like dwelling on things like that. She barely told him anything about her relationship with Luca from the previous year. Shawn asked because he thought that was the answer, and then Ann would give another sliver of information.

"No."

Okay, so he was wrong. But he did learn another thing about Ann: she will answer deep questions if she knows she won't talk about anything deep.

"I hope I never feel something like this song," she added.

The simple afterthought made Shawn perk up a little bit. Ann said it for him. He gently squeezed her hand. He wanted to hold her in his arms and never let go. (Ann was still hesitant to fall into physical affection.) How he longed for her touch and her love, even though she was close by. How he wanted to shower her in all of his love… But he didn't want to scare her off.

Shawn had to be careful. He knew Ann had a hard time with romantic relationships. She was afraid, paranoid. She was avoidant and silent about her feelings. This wasn't someone that Shawn normally got involved with. He always thought he would end up with someone louder… in every aspect.

But something about being with Ann made it easy, and worth it. Shawn was more than willing to wait for her to open up. He knew her little flicks to his arm were signs of affection that she couldn't voice. He knew her kisses to his cheek were meant with all the love. He knew she was into this, otherwise she would leave.

Now if only Ann could know that she was safe with Shawn, and that he cherishes every teeny tiny bit of herself that she gives to him. If only she could believe that he was nothing like the last asshole she was with.

She had to believe that at least a little bit if she hadn't left, right?

And if Ann did decide to leave, Shawn would feel worse than what this song was giving him. He knew that much.

"Too young, too dumb to know things like love," Ann sang, waving her arms in the air like she was at a 5SOS concert.

This was the song that Shawn would play should this relationship come to an end. This was also the song that was playing when he realized he loved Ann.

2020.

It’s funny that Annalise went from being too depressed to do school work to being so depressed that she has to drown herself in school work. For the last three months, it was school, then work, then her bedroom. No time to talk or breath or think. No time to listen to the radio or watch interviews or feel anything.

Three straight months of this routine. It was surprising that Stella just let Annalise do what she did. She didn’t intervene in Annalise’s intense study session, or take her to some obscure coffee shop to hear some people sing. Nope, Annalise was definitely going to pass this semester with flying colors and leave this campus with a bang.

Well… she would feel more confident about it if the two women talking out in the living room would be more considerate. Annalise thought that there would be less chatter in the dorm once Camila left campus, but no. Stella just had to have other friends. Was it so hard to stay quiet or just go somewhere else?

Annalise didn’t give a single flying fuck that one of the girls’ voices was trembling and incoherent. She threw her pencil aside and got up from her bed. She pulled open the door and shot daggers at Stella and Alessia.

“Could you guys keep it down? I’m trying to study.” Her tone was low and monotonous, not very intimidating. She found that the more she raised her voice, the more likely that box in her head that trapped all the gross, sad, painful things would burst open. So she stayed quiet these days.

Stella merely gave her roommate a look. She subtly nodded to the crying girl next to her, like she was telling Annalise to be more compassionate.

But Alessia was already on her feet, enraged with tears staining her cheeks. “What is wrong with you?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Annalise coolly replied.

“No, like, what is so goddamn wrong with you that you’re not at my level of despair?” Alessia tried again, her voice shaking and her arms flailing around.

A sigh came out of Stella, but she didn’t try to intervene. Again.

Alessia sniffed and continued. “My friend, the friend I crushed on and never got to call mine, dropped out three months ago to pursue music and fame, without so much as a goodbye to me. And he took Stella’s girlfriend, a best friend to follow him around, and another best friend to take pictures of him! That’s four of our friends gone like that!” She snapped her fingers. “I miss all of them so much I don’t know what to do with myself, he didn’t even invite me.”

“I’m sorry, that must be hard for you,” Annalise said without missing a beat.

It was easy to tell where this was leading to. She really should have taken herself out of the room, but Alessia’s crazed and tearful eyes had a hold on her.

“You know what the worst part is?” she said, taking a step towards the other girl. “You don’t sing, or dance, or offer anything useful to the entertainment industry, and he invited you. And you turned him down… you fucking went and turned him down.”

Reminder: never tell Stella anything ever again. Reminder: you stayed behind.

Annalise blinked once, only for a single tear to stream down her face. The box in her head wasn’t tied well enough.

“It’s like you said, I have nothing to contribute to that world.” She couldn’t keep her voice low and steady anymore. “He just wanted me to quit school and work to follow him like a puppy. Brian had no problem doing that, but I don’t do that for anybody.”

Alessia wasn’t pleased with that answer. “So you just dump him?”

“Yes!” Annalise yelled. “Yes, okay? I broke up with him! I’m not the one who signed up for stalkers and the invasion of privacy!” She could feel herself cracking open from her head to her toes as more tears welled up in her eyes. “I have my own things to worry about here, I have my own future to build since it’s not being handed to me on a silver platter! You think I don’t think about the decision I made? That I don’t wonder what would have happened if I said yes? You think I don’t miss him?”

She doesn’t cry often, because when she does, it’s a lot. Annalise fell to her knees, her heart shattering as she sobbed into her sleeves. It was unbearable, never ending. It stung so deep in her chest that she couldn’t even breathe. And she only had herself to blame because she did this to herself. She decided to stay behind and end it all.

Present day.

“Emotionally, it sucked,” Ann recalled, “but academically, that was the best semester I’ve ever had.”

Shawn was a little surprised. The questions that he had been thinking about for six years was finally answered. He wasn’t the only one torn up over the break up. He should have known that Ann would hide her pain like she always did. It was sad but oddly comforting knowing that she cried over him too. At least now he knows that she did love him.

“But you don’t regret any of it?” he asked.

“If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t have drowned myself in my studies. And I wouldn’t have the job I have now,” she replied. “But there is one thing I do regret.”

“What’s that?”

“That stupid separation thing.”

The two of them looked at each other. Ann was cringing at herself, while Shawn couldn’t help but breathe out a soft laugh.

“I was so heartbroken that I forgot about that,” he admitted.

“Yeah? I thought about the separation so much, and how much time I wasted with it. Only a couple of months after I called that off, I lost you. We could have had more time, a better time.”

Maybe it was the old feelings arising, maybe it was the fact that they’ve had a lot of sex lately, but Shawn couldn’t help himself.

“There’s time now.”

Ann’s winged eyes went wide. Her mouth was half open like she wanted to say something, but it was all silent, and it made Shawn nervous.

“Or,” he backtracked, “you might be seeing someone, or you’re not interested or anything…”

“No,” she replied, still in thought. “I just- I know, we've slept together a lot these days, but… aren’t you in between, uh, things with Camila?”

The way she worded that was interesting. But Shawn was bound by contract, even if it was between events. Even if he was on a break. Even if he had eyes for someone else.

“I… um,” he tried to say, tried to think of the things he was trained to say. But it was Ann, and he had a hard time lying to her.

“It’s okay,” she said softly. “I have a lot of clients in the same situation. It’s not breaking contract if I figure it out on my own.”

Shawn relaxed, and a small smile grew on his face. "Well, she and I are off right now…"

Ann nodded. "But what about when you're on again? And what about your job? When you get back to being a superstar?"

He thought about it. Really, he's been thinking about it since Brian's death. "Honestly, I've been at this for years. And I love the time off I've been having way too much. Yeah, I made some plans to make another record and go on tour, but none of it's set in stone. I'm not ready to go back to the crazy superstar life. I'm ready for a quiet life. And if you want to be in it too, that would be even better."

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @strangerliaa @kitykatnumber @mendesromano @iloveshawnieboi @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @someoneunimportantxx @parkeraul @calyumthomas @softmendesss @wronglanemendes @theprivatewritings @peruvian-bae

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #hee hee hoo hoo #idk when chapter 1 is happening but here is this for now lulz

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nozomijoestar · 4 years

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Transcribed and formatted for readability the master thesis between me and @wlwclem on the nuances to NaraTrish together and as individuals being why we love it and respect it not being CompHet- we spent way too much Big Brain Energy on it to not share

tw: brief mention of F-Slur when giving an example on toxic masculinity being bullshit, sexuality is briefly discussed in a non sexualizing way and in no graphic detail

*insert IM TRISH KIN BUCCIARATI joke here*

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:45 PM

JDDBSJDBD YES bc ofc she gotta be Reassuring but at the same time his Himboism Knows No Bounds One of the lines in EoH u can give her is “Go get me an Italian Vogue magazine too while you’re at it” and I’m like. Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:46 PM

JDHDHDF BDE Narancia whipped Narancia stands no chance

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:46 PM

OH FOR REAL one of HIS victory lines is something about getting all the stuff for her lmao And this is like even if she isn’t in the battle, Always Thinking Of His Queen

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:50 PM

Trish decides to test the limits of this and his ability to recognize them by asking for impossible or nonexistent items/feats and when he continues to try for her without question she realizes she has too much power and must restrain it fjdjjdjfjf Can't turn into Dad

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:51 PM

JDBDBSJS The color palette changes while she has an inner monologue while she watches him try to make her happy

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:53 PM

"Oh my god Bucciarati was right...he's too loyal for his own good I need to stop even if it's a little fun" Meanwhile Narancia: growing more and more frustrated with himself for perceived failure to someone he loves

epickinnienaranciaYesterday at 11:55 PM

She stops for the most part but does it every so often bc it’s cute

nozomijoestarYesterday at 11:56 PM

Lucky to have a freak like dat I feel like the only thing that can counter this self defeatism Narancia can get (bc his younger childhood...ofc he's fucked up and anxious and paranoid abt not being enough or abandoned) is Trish having to open her own repressed self up and love the shit out of himLike those reassuring lines she has in EoH and her moments in the anime/manga Bruno fucking does it as his father figure and Narancia admits it gives him strength

December 19, 2019

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:04 AM

Yes, he feels like he has to prove his worth and like he’s worth having around otherwise he’s useless, i def feel like he would not like talking about the stuff that happened in the past with everyone bc he would feel ashamed and stupid or st, he needs to be told You Are Enough and her to open up too so they can lean on each other

nozomijoestarToday at 12:12 AM

Honestly no jokes for a second I feel like this is also abt breaking toxic masculinity bc it's fucking Italy in the early 00s just out of the 90s...it was RIFE rifer than even now with that shit like in much of the world then too, the idea that a boy becoming a man and men in general need to strictly follow dumbass self harming rules

especially abt not opening up and only having real priorities for earning money, honoring family, and procreating as much as possible whether it's marriage making a family or "having sexual conquests" in promiscuity, anything outside of this bullshit image can't be tolerated and you might as well be a woman or "a fag" if you don't assert some fictional narrative of trying extremely hard to have power in everything bc that's all that matters is the ridiculous idea of Alpha Males applied to humans

Narancia being a 80s- 90s kid with the childhood he had did not give him much fighting chance at all in this context and time period esp just bc he happened to be born with a dick and thus saddled with these harmful expectations society made that could've only further repressed his recognition of not beating himself up and his own emotional needs on top of EVERYONE ever betraying him Where was he supposed to go? He can't go anywhere unless he meets Bruno

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:18 AM

yes i agree..... like, males being looked down upon for opening up, being societally forced to shoulder the burdens and “man up” and just deal with it and fix everything. And then already having a toxic support system with his “friend” betraying him and his dad Sucking Major Ass, all he’s been taught is deal with it but hasn’t been given the tools to know how, and if Bruno didn’t meet him he honestly would be so stuck, what person (esp in that time period) is going to go out of their way to help an uneducated young male?

nozomijoestarToday at 12:20 AM

Even if it tragically ends with his death in canon I feel like the time he spent with Bruno's bois, Giorno, and Trish was huge in making some of that crack little by littleBc he has moments where you see how sweet he actually is, his "real" personality if you will underneath all the unresolved anger when he's with ppl he sees love him and give him hope When Giorno said No One Is Going To Hurt You Anymore that just made me cry harder

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:23 AM

Yes! Like, ofc he gets angry, has unrepressed rage and reactions to things, he hasn’t had any type of emotional support in SO long and it’s not like it’s 100% fantastic in that regard with buccigang (which don’t get me wrong they are family but they are still in an aggressive gang and go off and give each other lots of shit)-YEAH AND THE FUCKIGN PLANT GROWING TOO IM

nozomijoestarToday at 12:25 AM

Trish is legit I think the one person aside from Giorno who would treat him without even the gang's aggressiveness Narancia is my fav in VA even if Bruno is the best written VA character bc he's me, this kind of shit in my life is why I developed PTSD undiagnosed since my childhood that only kept getting worse until only this year have I gotten any true help I know exactly how he feels

Esp when you think your whole life exists to serve others never yourself NaraGio shippers I see y'all argument even if I don't follow it tbh, Gio was again the only one besides Trish to consistently care for Nara in day to day and when he was in danger and esp during the Clash and Talking Heads fight Gio was the one dude present like No Narancia It's Ok Please Tell Me What's Wrong You're Clearly Stressed

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:31 AM

yeah although i haven’t experienced it i can still empathize and try to understand, i think there’s so many layers of protection and walls that most people never truly look past it to see the root cause or true self YES that fight was so frustrating bc they were all like Narancia stop being an idiot when something was clearly wrong and he was obviously in distress!!

nozomijoestarToday at 12:32 AM

Also Gio was the only one who first asserted that No, Narancia did the right thing in fighting Formaggio

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:33 AM

Yes and with that whole interaction the gang often uses Narancia as the scapegoat essentially and just give him shit for every little thing without trying to understand his POV

nozomijoestarToday at 12:33 AM

The Clash fight tbh I feel was an ass pull set up to give Narancia his big bad ass loyalty proving moment even if it's a great fight that beginning part is...only the Trish and Gio interactions rly make sense fjdjdjI wish him and Giorno hung out more or I guess more like talked more bc you can't rly hang out when you're getting assassinated every day hfgdg

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:36 AM

Yeah hdkdb, even with Fugo, even tho he found him and brought him to Bruno, he still calls him a dumbass, stabs him with a fork and shit, and then with Mista even tho I feel like they are Like Bros, he destroys Narancia’s radio for no fucking reason and also has a pattern of taking shit Narancia paid for without paying him backI def agree with that, I feel like Giorno interactions were lacking in that there really weren’t many one on one meaningful things so it’s hard for me to grasp his personal headspace and relationships a lot of the time

nozomijoestarToday at 12:37 AM

However to be a little more fair to the Bucci gang the manga version has Narancia trying a lot lot more to get their attention in logical ways that unfortunately Talking Heads completely ruins, he tried writing to let them know what was happening and TH warped the text into him saying vulgar things bragging abt his dick being a powerful Stand

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:38 AM

Yeah I was gonna add I wasn’t sure if the manga had other stuff, tbf

nozomijoestarToday at 12:38 AM

I think this is also Shounen Tropes of the 90s at play too the "child" character was often written as the comic relief dumbass Narancia suffers it so it does add a layer of Not Good to his relationships The trope still exists tbh Anime cut out him writing I assume bc it's too sexual It's already pushing it having him whip it out and piss in front of everyone jfhdhd

epickinnienaranciaToday at 12:41 AM

Yeah you right, it’s like the i want it to be that deep meme, like Araki obvi doesn’t have him only as comic relief but if he delved into his character more there would’ve been so much more that could’ve been done and shown YEAH DJDBDJDJF I WAS SURPRISED THT WAS ANIMATED

------------------------[ CUT INTERMISSION ]-----------------------------

nozomijoestarToday at 12:51 AM

Ok but to get back on track with where I was trying to go even opening this all up is how it's critical to NaraTrish in a mutually beneficial way

nozomijoestarToday at 1:01 AM

Nara is no incel he's a King obvs but he is also at heart a confused scared kid uncertain of anything in the world beyond what's closest in his grasp and without someone actively believing in and validating him he can't fully achieve awareness of healthy dynamics and even the problems within the ones he already has with his gang and Bruno- Trish doesn't have to babysit him and be the stereotypical The Woman Only Supports And Gives Up Her Body bc thats never her and couldn't be her and Narancia wouldn't make her that way bc even when he kinda touches on that (giving in a bit to the idea that men are the main protectors of women) when he gets too fixated on wanting what he thinks is for her wellbeing he does snap out and acknowledge he's wrong bc

Trish by her independent nature and tremendous Will proves those stereotypes are bullshit, not even factoring in their first meeting as already making a huge impression on his beliefs of what girls can do- Trish knowing how to challenge him by staying true to herself yet having the compassion to help someone suffering and with fewer chances from birth than she had would not only win him over but give him something even Bruno can't, self sustaining confidence, bc Trish isn't part of a chain of command, she's just a girl in love with a boy who wants him to be happy and that concept while foreign to him for so long once it kicks in he could actually learn to build himself For himself and For someone who wouldn't use him for some greater schemes or dirty work,

I love Bruno ok he's one of the best characters in anything ever but his flaw in his ability to help motivate ppl is tied to that fact that he's bringing them into a dangerous strict order of command to Serve not entirely in a place/way that lets them just be themselves and realize organic loving relationships with anyone and themselves SO

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:05 AM

they’re healing...... being shown love without a position of authority or any obligations is so powerful for his growth

nozomijoestarToday at 1:25 AM

That all being said, Everything Trish does he's paying attention to, she keeps him alive during the Grateful Dead fight not because she needs him to serve for a cause ( a cause might I add even Bruno the near saint he is was ready to let Nara go right then and there for bc death is in the job description) but because she doesn't know him well yet and shit he even swung a knife at her when they first met over who was in the bathroom, but he's a person suffering and in pain and to let him die even if it's Expected Of The Mission is garbage to her even if she respects Bruno down the line as a father compared to fucking evil Diavolo,

Trish constantly goes out her way to do these things for Nara bc Trish instinctively knows he's the most vulnerable mentally and her sense of compassion and justice (likely something Donatella made sure to instill in her before her death by cherishing Trish and spoiling her even as a single mother) will not stand to not help someone when she could've- and he reciprocates it even if in disbelief bc he can tell This Person Is Safety, This Person Is Like Me Yet Not, A Better Me I Want To Be, by the time he's about to die someone with his fragile mind was actually gaining conviction about taking control for himself on his own terms and he would risk even those chances to defend the person who actually helped him arrive there (along with Gio) in the first place,

I think by the end of his life he rly did love her or start to, it being romantic or not is up to individual interpretation to which you know I'm in the romance camp, point is he found someone who truly taught him strength without him fully realizing it and did so without belittling him, if anything instead treating him only with love and kindness and patience (not being a door mat for him, but like, not treating him like ass like everyone else has their moments of either), I think anything Trish asks of him, this is all why he's so willing to do it on top of feeling deep empathy, I've written in my character notes as well that like this goes even further to sex being one of the most intimate things there is, like I kno we jest and jape abt Teens Doing Dumb Shit bc we're clowns

but the sheer vulnerability you have to have esp in a first love situation to be willing to go through with that for the first time ever takes a lot of trust and courage, aspects I think Trish was able to give him and would solidify in asking something seen as so important for many people from him, the headstrong Trish wants to be vulnerable for him and the slowly confidence boosted Narancia wants to accept that faith and trust and love and exchange it with his own of the same for her, it's not horny teens 100% it's two hurt but hopeful kids on the verge of having to be adults wanting to find another piece of identity in how they are with someone else, obvs it will forever be offscreen bc pedos deserve to be skinned alive

I just feel that the components that would fuel them to do something teens try to do to feel more adult and bc hormones are a lot more based in growing maturity than pure lust, I think this is what I fully mean by Writing About Teens Exploring Love And Sexuality; Not Fetishizing And Reveling In Showing The Act Itself Especially For Disgusting Titillation, I think this and not explicitly writing the sex are the difference between child porn and creating realistic characters

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:36 AM

Yeah, it is going to sound like a dumb take but the topic of sex and sexuality itself is not inherently sexual, by which I meant it isn’t the focus — there’s SO much more to it and in this case especially it can be like the ultimate sign of love, trust, intimacy, compassion, trying to make your way as a teen through a harsh world, like I can go on. Nasties Dont Interact but the shying away from the mere mention of it in a non-sexualized context is unrealistic.

Yes The Grateful Dead fight i 1000% agree is so important in both his personal growth and the development of their relationship, I think it’s an important parallel that he is dumbfounded about her going to such lengths to keep him alive without the sense of duty/obligation versus Trish’s feelings and outbursts of confusion on why Bucciarati and his gang even cared about her, protecting her to the point of death being on the line.(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:44 AM

all these elements of complication and similarities between their characters is why ive gotten so passionate about both them and their relationship (whether romantic or platonic it’s really fucking strong and good), the story of two kids making it through adversity, learning to unshoulder their burdens and lean on others, the Found Family™️, and learning and growing together is just so much more fucking deep and complex than the mainstream bs that exists.

now im not any type of elitist hipster but esp in male and female relationships portrayed in what feels like basically fucking everything are just like CompHet Bullshit and they’re together bc They Are Just Supposed To Be (not to mention the toxic masculinity culture within that where the women barely have character arcs and are just seen as objects anyways) But what I’m trying to say is that in this the relationship is real and it feels earned in a way that just isn’t there in so much other media out there(edited)

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

Honestly if we tweak this just a lil more this is basically Guts and Casca One of the greatest and saddest romances ever written

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:48 AM

i still have berserk bookmarked just haven’t gotten around to reading yet

nozomijoestarToday at 1:48 AM

If VA was a Seinen it's p much Berserk In Italy Also big brain...galaxy brain...everything you said was a fact signed sealed and delivered(edited)

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:51 AM

Wow we’re actually in sync and using the brain cell to its fullest extent tonight

nozomijoestarToday at 1:51 AM

When I say she's his world and he's hers this is what I mean, not comphet hdhdhfhYEAH HFHDG

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:52 AM

(also my phone autocorrected “and” to “ANF” bc of twdg..... it also sometimes changes it to “AMD” bc I work in technology. My Phone Knows My Interests Are More Important To Me Than One Of The Main Parts Of Speech. Iconic)YESSSS they’re just SO GOOD there’s so much to articulate!

nozomijoestarToday at 1:55 AM

She was his Queen, and god help anyone who disrespected his Queen

epickinnienaranciaToday at 1:55 AM

JDBDHE SHIT THE FUCK IP DKDBEBDJFBBD

nozomijoestarToday at 1:56 AM

Buy my silence $8000 a month

#jojo's bizarre adventure #naratrish #narancia ghirga #trish una #we support them at everything they do ty

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sternentinte · 5 years

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Emogust 2019 - 07. 08.| In which character A. is searching for a cat, and character B has found a cat around their windowsill

„Let me get this straight”, Shinichi says, slowly, “you lost the cat. How in the world did you manage to lose the cat?”

“Hime-chan got scared while I was working in the lab and slipped out.”, Haibara states, “you need to get her back.”

“You lost the cat and I need to get it back?”

“We lost the cat, of course you need to get her back. You are already in disguise anyway and I need to finish this up.” She gestures vaguely around the chemicals in the room.

Shinichi gives up trying to argue. He knows Haibara adores that cat and he himself is actually kind of fond of it to—there is something about stealing a cat out of an illegal research facility both of you were trapped in that makes you like it, simple as that. That’s the short version of the story of how they adopted a cat even though they are technically still on the run.

On the run is a pretty loose term, since, as of now, they even have a (secret and FBI-protected, but nonetheless) apartment. Compared to the last five years, they are pretty safe right now—maybe not as save as they’ll ever be, not yet, but considerably safer than just a few months ago. Not quite safe enough that Shinichi could go back to his actual real identity and his actual real life. Not yet.

That is what he is hoping on though, as soon as all the loose threads are collected and, more importantly, convicted. As soon as everything gets out.

But, as of right now, he is a small boy with a silicon mask on his face that is looking for a cat.

He doesn’t find the cat. Not that day.

Bringing down a criminal syndicate, as it turns out, includes a lot of waiting time. It’s weird, but now, now that he has prove, now that he has done this, they actually don’t want him to finish it up.

“You’re a civilian, Kudou-kun”, Megure tells him, “You need to let law enforcement work it’s way through.”

Shinichi sighs, but only so he doesn’t scream. He hasn’t been a civilian for ages and that is his case, dammit. But he knows the only reason Megure is telling him this is that his higher ups know that Shinichi knows him, that Shinichi trusts him.

The problem with not being able to help, or at least, not being able to help all of the time, is that Shinichi has free time now, and after four years of constantly switching between running from and towards criminals, he doesn’t really know what to do with that.

It gives him too much time to think. Too much time to regret. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, it’s Haibara’s turn to be the adult of the family for this week. This way, he can’t go and do anything impulsive. Stupid, as Haibara would put it.

Instead, he looks for the cat.

It doesn’t seem to be in the immediate surroundings anymore, or at least if it is, Shinichi can’t find it. So, he does the obvious thing and makes posters. They are probably not the most effective, since, due to a total lack of pictures (“Pictures are dangerous.”, Haibara says at the back of his mind, along with his own general paranoia) he has to rely on descriptions.

Megure also gives him an exceptionally weird look when he asks him to print them at the department, but Shinichi really has endured worse. Also, if Haibara worries less about the cat, things are going to get done sooner.

He still doesn’t find the cat.

He begins asking people, children, old couples at the park, store owners. It’s risky. They might remember him and tell someone else about him, but on the other hand, he is a little kid and wearing a disguise, so there is a pretty low chance anyone could trace this back to him. But he doesn’t dare asking any of his neighbors either—better when they don’t know anything.

After a few days he’s not all to hopeful. It makes him sad in a way he doesn’t expect. He had never really thought he’d keep the cat, not even in the best possible outcome, the one that seems so close that the hope is killing him every time he thinks about it (so, pretty much all the time).

It was always going to be Haibara’s cat. But still. It was an act of being to hopeful, of trusting this to work. Relying on a future. And now the cat is gone.

Haibara is going to flip her lid, he thinks, but then he thinks better of it. If he has realised the cat is gone, Haibara’s probably known it for a while. She tends to hope less than he does.

He still doesn’t want to say it to her face.

He sighs. In front of him there’s a news parlour selling proper newspapers along with trashy gossip magazines. Shinichi steps closer and asks the boy behind the counter about the cat.

The employee leans down to him and tells him that, sadly, he hasn’t seen the cat. As he promises that he will keep an eye open, Shinichi realises that the guy is younger than him. Not younger than physical-him, of course, but still. The thought gives him a chill.

He distracts him by gazing over the shiny covers in front of him and immediately does a double take. On the cover—it’s Ran.

Its not new, not really. Ever since the band took off—Ran, Kazuha and that other girl he doesn’t actually know, Nakamori-san, Inspector Nakamori’s daughter—they’ve been in and out of celebrity gossip. Nothing particularly nasty that he heard of—but his access to news hasn’t really been all that regular at times. Also, he doesn’t want Haibara to know he’s paying attention to it—he knows her well enough to know it would only make her feel bad. But she probably knows anyway. They’ve learned to know each other way to well.

“Cuteness Explosion! Gosho Girls’ Ran-chan charms fans with new cat!”, the headline reads.

The picture has Ran posing, smiling slightly, friendlily, Shinichi with an obviously very satisfied black cat in her lap. It seems to have been taken from her social media and Shinichi wonders who took it. Maybe Uncle Kogoro or Sonoko or another one of her friends.

Maybe she has a secret boyfriend somewhere, he thinks, one the media doesn’t know about yet. He almost wishes for it, except he doesn’t, because he just isn’t that good of a person and he wants to be her secret boyfriend from back in high school forever. Well, but he also isn’t really delusional enough to hold out for that, so…

He looks at the picture again, only now really paying attention to the cat. But—How is this possible? Shinichi shakes his head and looks again. Maybe he is wrong. There are plenty of black cats around. He glosses through the article to find out more.

“According to Ran-chan, she found Maki-chan on her balcony…”

So apparently Ran found the cat, had tried to look for a former owner, but since it was neither chipped nor had a collar, she had ultimately been allowed to keep it. Of course Hime isn’t chipped. They can’t go around disclosing their location like that.

Shinichi sighs. Then he tries to look at the picture from another angle. Is it really Hime? Maybe he is paranoid.

Scratch that, he knows he’s paranoid. But this is ridiculous.

Well, there isn’t a lot he can do now. He buys the magazine.

Haibara is still in her lab when he comes back to the apartment.

“I’m back!”, he yells, and she answers with an affirmative.

He steps towards her and leans into the doorframe of the lab. He knows for a fact that Haibara hasn’t left the apartment in almost a week. She never does, when she is tall, too scared of being recognised.

“Any news, Kudou-kun?”

She seems almost cheerful. Maybe the research is going well.

“So…”, Shinichi starts, “I might have found the cat.”

She turns back to him, clearly surprised, but also weary. He was right, then, she didn’t expect him to find it anymore.

“But?”, Haibara presses.

“I might just be crazy.”

“Well, that’s certainly not news.”, Haibara huffs. She rotates her open palm in the air, a sign for him to just say it already.

“Look at this.”

He opens the magazine at the right page for her, but she flips back to the front.

“A gossip magazine.”, she says. Then she looks closer. “About Mouri-san.”

She looks at him. This is what Shinichi wanted to avoid.

“You know, whatever it says is probably not even-“, she starts, quickly.

“No, just look at the picture.”

Shinichi opens the correct page again and points at the cat. He doesn’t want to hear her advice. Not now. Really, he doesn’t want to need it.

“Am I crazy, or… Tell me I’m crazy.”, he says instead.

“You’re crazy.”, Haibara complies, but he can see her eyes widen at the image.

“That’s Hime-chan.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well yeah. That’s what you meant, right?” Her suspicious look is back, even though this is precisely the reason Shinichi bought the damn magazine.

He nods. “It doesn’t make any sense though, she doesn’t even live near here…”

“How do you know that?”, Haibara asks, flatly.

“Well, they put us far away from anyone who could have recognised us, remember? Also, she would probably have heard about Hime missing if she was near, especially if she asked around.”

Haibara shrugs “I guess Hime-chan is really good at running far away.” She pauses. “It’s probably for the best she is.”

Shinichi thinks of the last place all of them ran from and finds himself agreeing. “So, what are we going to do?”

Haibara shrugs again. “What can we do? At least we know Mouri-san is a good person. It’s better than Hime-chan just being a stray.”

Shinichi nods. Even though he found the cat, in a way, he feels defeated. And tired. So, so tired. He sighs, closes his eyes and concentrates on not falling apart. He’s gotten good at it, but it’s harder in quiet moments.

“Oi, Haibara!”, he calls back, “I’m gonna make some food.”

Haibara gestures him to go ahead. She’s right. There’s nothing to do but to hold out. Just a little longer.

“She really is cute.”, Aoko sighs.

Ran nods and pets her cat over the head. “Maki-chan.”

“Maki like true hope?”, Aoko asks.

“Maki like true hope.”, Ran confirms. “I’ve always had a thing for hope.”

——–

So this could be seen as sort of the other side to my story for the heart break prompt. (Still not sure if I’m doing the genre thing right)

@mintchocolateleaves, @sup-poki

#DCMKEmogust2019 #shinran #girl band au #platonic coai #haibaraxcats #I mean this could be fluff #but like #angsty fluff #nevermind #that's not how it works #i think

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aceyanaheim · 5 years

Text

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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misadventuresofthatoregongirl · 4 years

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A little background... I am 27 years old. I have a 9 year old. I have been with his father since I was 12 years old, I have never “dated” anyone else. I have seen others, but never been in a relationship with anyone else. in January 2019 my little brother (we were 4 years apart and very lose) was left for dead by police after he got in a car wreck and had a head injury. He had a pulse for 30 minutes yet was never taken to the hospital, that was 10 minutes away. A week later some rich yuppie blew their entire head off with a shotgun, 80 miles away from the hospital, had no pulse, but was air lifted to the hospital. I strongly feel my brother was left for dead due to the fact he had unpaid fines. Mostly due to no car insurance or “driving while suspended” over no car insurance. But I know only blacks matter in this country, not some mutt who is half native american half white. That has been made ABUNDUNTLY CLEAR.

If you are one of those stupid cunts with the “driving is a privilege” bullshit mindset, (driving to work should not be a privilege should be a basic human right and “ride the bus” only big cities have busses and many people have to commute to larger cities in Oregon) when basic liability insurance is about $300 a month for people who are never on mommy and daddys insurance, please kindly fuck off. Housing in Oregon is insane, already, most people have half or more of their money going to rent if they can manage to get somewhere to rent to them at all, they should not have to have another 1/4th or more of their income going to basic liability insurance when they have never even had a ticket. I went through the same shit. Eventually police would just wait in the parking lot for me to leave work and just ticket me over and over, I was denied a hardship permit that is also such a scam. Pay a bunch of money for something you aren’t even guaranteed to get. I drove 1000 miles a week just to get to work, because I could not find work in the rural area I live in not could I afford the $1500 a month rent in the city that has jobs (that’s basically how much I made a month) it is what is is. I had no choice.

Paying for car insurance crippled me financially. I was actually split up with his father at that time but had to come crawling back begging for money due to my $300 basic liability insurance. The tickets are not even on my record anymore, for driving with no insurance and driving while suspended but its still $260 a month. Absolutely sickening. I don’t have a fucking dime left over after i pay bills, and my boyfriend works and we STILL have no fucking money. Ever. We don’t get to go on vacations, we live in the shittiest neighborhood in the entire county, in a shit trailer, drive shitty cars, I assure you we have nothing nice. Nicest thing he had is probably his work boots which were paid for by his boss, working your ass off in Oregon does not pay off. “Get a better job” no shit sherlock, did it ever occur to you its difficult to not get fired from your job you are currently working, and still go to interviews? Employers be like “I know you have a job currently but can you drop everything and come in an hour?” Oh yeah, totally. And if you try and schedule it for a time maybe you won’t get fired its usually “Nevermind.” And the interview process is a begging a groveling process like you’re a god damn peasant. Why do I want this job? MONEY! Why else! Why does anyone want any job? I worked at a staffing agency for 4 years and I can not tell you how many people did well at those stupid cookie cutter questions but were shit workers. I wish places would just let you work a day or two and see.

Then I got laid off as soon as stupid corona hit in March, they already fired my office manager and a sales person “over discounted bill rates”. Kinda like how the Dollar Tree stays in business because its cheap but more volume is sold (worked there before too that was horrible) so they have just as much profit if not more, as say Walgreens or something. With corporate clowns coming down and saying to clients basically pay the full rate or we are taking you to court, to 3/4 of the clients, sales tanked. They tried to blame corona but the sales were complete shit before that as soon as they fired the two people who had most of the sales, with discounted bill rates. I am still friends with someone who managed to not get fired. They said in a conference call this week they announced they would be lowering bill rates. *Face palm* now that you fired hundreds of people, you are lowering bill rates. How many lives did you ruin before coming to your senses? Companies here are just so fucking awful!

A few years ago I decided I wanted to move out of the country. However if you have a child, both parents have to sign a passport form unless you don’t have the father listed on the birth certificate. Norway in particular I like, its beautiful, free healthcare, minimum wage twice that of Oregon with cheaper rent and free healthcare, they also help with childcare. They claim they do in Oregon but your “copay” is usually so high you might as well just pay out of pocket and not deal with all the states controlling bullshit you have to deal with when you get state assistance. People like to say “Norway has higher taxes” please shut up and go look at Oregon’s income tax rate. One of the highest in the country. Expensive gas, INSANE housing, its just not possible to have a decent life here in Oregon. I love the ocean also. Norway is beautiful and comes in the top countries for quality of life every year, meanwhile USA is at the very bottom.

Everyone called me paranoid all those years, I just had a bad feeling that something bad was going to happen also and I needed to get out while I still could. Next remark “how can you afford to get there if you are so broke?” Simple don’t pay my outrageous rent and insurance for 1 month problem solved. My child’s father finally agreed to sign the passport form now that its too late and Americans are banned from basically every country in the world, once the racism and virus bullshit started. Super awesome. He will never hear the end of that from me. Its been months and I still do not even have the passport. Even if I did I AM TRAPPED HERE!!!!!!!!!! I can not even go to fucking Canada!

I decided ok, I will try and move to Montana/Idaho/North Dakota or something. Give up my ocean in attempts to get the hell away from all this mask and the non existent “racism” bullshit. Go somewhere with a lower cost of living, more jobs with higher wages. I absolutely can not stand wearing the face masks. There is no evidence they work, just go look at Sweden. Or the states I just named which have no mask laws. Also a lot of rural areas in Oregon do not wear them seems like the entire populations would have been sick or dead. I am not looking to argue with scared little sheep over this. Before you say “I hope your grandparents die” because I don’t wear them, something that I have seen many people say to myself and anyone else without a mask, my grandparents have said many times they would rather be dead than be completely isolated over some bullshit virus with a higher survival rate than the flu. Plus the media has lied so much, how can you believe a word they say? Seriously? They are all left winged biased. I am not even a conservative and I can see it. But people just eat the shit up. That 26 year old who they claimed died in Oregon from coronavirus, turns out did not even have the virus the CDC medical examiner said. So you choose for yourself what to believe.

I did get a job in Montana very easily. In six fucking months in Oregon I had maybe 5 phone calls for a job, all minimum wage no benefit shit jobs. I did 2 years of business and law classes, 4 years of heavy payroll and accounting for work so its not like I have absolutely no experience in anything worth a fuck. Plus 8 years total of customer service or more I have been working since I was 18 with gaps here and there between jobs. But with my boyfriend and son back in Oregon, 900 miles away, it was really difficult. I had never been alone like that or even stayed a night away from my child. Never in 9 years. First of all staying in some shitty hotel... I hate hotels in general I like my little nest, as shitty as my house may be, even at a nice hotel I would rather sleep in my own shitty bed. I lasted 2 weeks, only having $100 week leftover for food and other bills spending $400 a week at the cheapest motel I could find, before I gave up. I could not save money for a deposit or loan and my boyfriend has absolutely no credit so he could not get approved for a loan or rental either. He also had absolutely no one to watch our child back in Oregon with everything being closed so he could not work during that time and almost lost the job he had. Done landscaping for 11 years and still only makes $2 above minimum wage because companies treat employees like such shit in Oregon. I was so close, had a decent pay (way more than I ever made in Oregon even though Montana has a lower minimum wage) with benefits, but it was impossible to move into a rental. My credit is good enough for a loan, but I could not save money for a down payment staying in a hotel. Plus I was so lonely and miserable. Now winter is coming and we will not be able to go back and forth in that snow in little cars anyways.

If we would have succeeded, I would have gotten us into a rental and then quit as soon as he got a job because we never have anyone to watch our child and the cost of living is so much lower we would not HAVE to both work like we do here in Oregon. Especially now. Seriously, what the fuck do they expect people with kids to do? Schools are closed and even if they weren’t there is no way in hell I would send my kid wearing a mask all day. SO bad for you! They have to wear them all day “except at lunch” ok so might as well just take the damn things off the entire day. These rules don’t even make sense how do people not see that? Or in a restaurant you have to wear them if you walk to the bathroom but not at the table what logic is that? How do people not see through this bullshit? And children are gross they touch everything masks are going to do shit at schools. Notice the schools that did open, masks or no masks still had a shitload of cases. Single parents are especially screwed in particular. I guess if you could somehow both find employers willing to work with your schedule (good luck with that) you could constantly work opposite shifts as your partner/spouse and never seen them and work.

Anyways, jobs for him paid more up there too, rent is fucking half of what it is in Oregon. Their average rent is the price of “low income housing” in Oregon. But we just could not do it. I tried. I tried so hard. I even learned Norwegian jeg snakker norsk und ich spreche auch Deutsch because Austria was another country I was interested in. You can try and try and try here, but unless you get lucky, or your parents help you, I do not know how people do it. All the old people I know here don’t have enough money to live off either after working 50 years. Its so sad.

I am no perfect person either. I am pretty bitchy, I have horrible anxiety I quit public school at age 12 and finished online, yes I have a high school diploma. I actually did all my high school schooling in 2 years after skipping 3 years of school with no problem. I never even really went to middle school and still managed. I am not stupid. I just have a hard time doing things I am absolutely miserable doing.

I will go into more detail, year by year on what a shitshow it is to live in the USA but in particular Oregon. The entire west Coast really. I hate it here and I just want out but I have tried everything.

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kelseybock · 5 years

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A Few Lessons Learned: Summer 2019

I was flipping through a holiday magazine today and got so excited for all of the things associated with my favorite season and time of the year: cooler weather, pumpkin patches, cider, football, scarves, holidays... and I started reflecting on how great this summer has been as well. I have truly enjoyed this summer with friends and family. I’ve experienced so many events that I was unable to be a part of when I was in school due to lack of time, etc. and that I really felt that I had missed out on after getting married so young. I traveled to Mexico for my sister’s wedding and a family vacation, saw Cody Johnson (& Brett Young tomorrow!), visited with lots of family and friends, and met new co-workers and people from all over the world as I began my job. Colton would agree that we have both learned a lot about who we are and what we both want as a couple.

I have personally been doing some serious soul-searching and that has been good, but also difficult. I’ve reached out to friends and family with my fears, doubts, and thoughts and have tried to make sense of things that I know have impacted my life greatly growing up. I’ve been trying to make sense of it all.

Like I said, I have learned a few things this summer as I haven’t had the anxiety of schoolwork deadlines, exams, etc. on my mind to fret over and as I’ve actually been able to be where I’m at with the people that I love. Last summer Colton and I took a vacation to Colorado and I loved being with family in the mountains where we hiked, relaxed, and just took in the beauty of the nature surrounding us. This summer sticks out in my mind though as I have learned and been reminded of some valuable lessons as I traveled and was able to actually relax a little and have fun with so many people that I love. Below are a few of the things that I have learned or been reminded of:

1) Intentionality

It truly does make a difference to be intentional about being present, and scheduling in the time to do that. Our schedules these last few years have been crazy and difficult and we’ve tried so hard to just make it work however we could. I was working full time and was also a full-time student, while trying to juggle being a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, etc. Colton was doing the same and it was extremely difficult, especially when peak season hit every year at his job. I’m sure many couples may be able to relate to just in general, the stress of life and a packed schedule, and the pressure to have the quality time needed in marriage. Anyways, I am pretty darn real with people about my struggles and I am not usually one to sweep things under the rug, so when I say it was a difficult few years for us, it is not because I am trying to complain a lot, it is because it truly was.

People who know me well know that as a student, I stressed over my grades and know that I didn’t prioritize having a vibrant social life. I definitely sacrificed that often, but it was all worth it because I still have my man by my side and a family that has cheered me on through some pretty dark times. And a degree too, which helps in some respects I suppose.

Friends have come and gone, but I am so thankful for our life group and the relationships Colton and I both have made here in KC.

Lastly, I’ve had the thought that if others were to describe me as I pushed my way through life during those semesters, they would possibly say that I was anxious, boring, and probably grumpy.

I’m glad to say that those long and dark days are a part of my past. My anxiety levels have gone down SO much and I’ve recently been putting way more effort into my health, relationships, marriage, home, and seeing and exploring our city. I have also recently started being more intentional about waking up every day to do something positive, something that brings me peace and joy before I start my day off by heading out the door into the world.

2) Facing Reality

I know from experience that just because one difficult season or period of life is over, it doesn’t mean that another will not arrive. I have had my fair share of bad experiences this summer alongside the good ones, but I’ve also had a lot that has happened in my life, just things that are part of my life story and have shaped me, that have come to the surface this summer.

I try to stay positive and I don’t expect everyone to understand, but I do think that most people are surprised by my story when they take the time to listen to it.

Having my past experiences rise to the surface happened often when I was in high school and college, but I was always too busy to really focus on them and the baggage that they entailed. As I’ve talked with others and have had the time this summer to seek out wise and certified people who have directed me to other intelligent and certified people, I’ve been humbled. And scared. Facing things from our pasts, our childhoods, our fears... those are things that most people never want to really deal with or relive.

With the degree that I have, I should know that it’s more than necessary to take care of myself. People who have a passion and heart for taking care of others also have to take care of themselves, sometimes before they can even go out and help others. Reaching out and seeking out my options has been a huge step for me as I had talked to people in the past about it several times but didn’t end up following through. I made excuses because I was fearful.

Kind of ironic... but has anyone else felt that way too? Fearful when it’s time to take a necessary and healthy step to help yourself? I think it’s important to have a good support system willing to follow up with you to see if you are taking those steps, growing, healing, etc.

3) Oversharing

A couple of semesters ago in my counseling classes, other students would say their first impression of me was that I appeared to “have it all together”, of which I laughed and explained how much of a mess my life really was.

When people started telling me that they thought I had my life together often, I went a little extreme and made it a goal of mine to be as honest as I could with people, even at the expense of their comfortability, which is kind of embarrassing looking back, but I’ll own it shamelessly, or at least I’ll try to... haha...

However, I’ve learned to not share so much with people that I think may care. If people don’t ask, they probably don’t care too much. And if they do ask, I’ve learned that you also have to be careful because sometimes people are just vicious and want to use the information that you give them to gossip or hurt you somehow. I’ve learned that you can’t force who you truly are onto someone just because you want them to perceive you correctly. It is also other people’s responsibilities to get to know you, and you have to just trust that they will be gracious and kind in that process as you hope to be with others as well.

4) Investing

Colton and I are making more life changes and deciding what all of the next steps look like for us financially, with family, plans, etc. There are exciting changes ahead and we are serious about the next few years as far as how we handle our time and resources.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s to invest.

Invest your time, invest in your relationships, and invest your money. Invest in the right relationships and friendships.

Not everyone is cheering for me as an individual, cheering on Colton, my marriage, my family, or even my well being in general and I have found that everyone is definitely not my friend or interested in being one. I’ve learned to be wiser in recognizing those that aren’t.

The reality is that everyone does not have my best interest at heart and that’s why being alert and aware is important as well. Not paranoid, but aware.

As far as investing money, we have been meeting together with a man that teaches courses over finances. He has helped us get on the same page with our finances, which has been such a healthy thing for us to experience!

5) Forgiveness

I sat down for the first time this summer and wrote out apology letters and also letters expressing how I felt about the things that they did to me or I to them. That might sound really strange, but I was advised to do it last year and never did until now.

I wrote a letter to each person who I’ve been hurt by. I wrote out why I felt hurt by them, how their words and actions affected me, and lastly how I could have handled things differently in the relationships/friendships as well. I realized my own mistakes as I reflected. (Apology letters can be written for anyone obviously: family members, friends, anyone that you hold a grudge against or struggle to forgive)

Writing the letters was more difficult than I thought it would be. Tears were shed and a lot of reflecting occurred. I realized while writing to these people that are no longer in my life or aren’t that involved how much I’ve grown as a person over the years and months, weeks even... and also how much I really was holding in all these years. I would encourage friends and family members to do this exercise as well because it’s incredibly freeing. You do not have to actually mail the letters or deliver them if you don’t feel comfortable with that. The act of writing them and putting them in a sealed envelope alone is enough for some.

I think marriage makes you stretch and grow in this area at all times, but I have been reminded over and over about forgiveness and grace as I’ve been given it and have given it to others as well. I have been reminded that when I mess up and make mistakes, I can have some grace for myself.

I’ve always been really hard on myself, but I’ve really tried to work on being more forgiving as well as remembering to take the time to reflect on my decisions. If my spouse makes bad decisions, I can always have more grace with him too.

The forgiveness concept applies to all of my relationships though. I’m learning more about it overall and trying to give it out more than what sometimes feels comfortable. Because if I have been forgiven over and over, why shouldn’t I forgive others as well?

6) Boundaries

I’ve learned more about boundaries and having discipline after talking with people who have put their own boundaries in place. I’ve also read a couple of books about boundaries and people skills.

Throughout my life, setting boundaries has been something that I’ve always struggled with. As a natural people-pleaser, I’ve struggled with saying “no”. This summer specifically, I got so fed up with allowing people to walk all over me and treat me like absolute garbage for being what they may perceive as a nice and quote-unquote weak person. Some of the kindest people have been through some of the most difficult experiences and events that some could not even begin to imagine. Those kind people are humans too. The difference between the people that are 90% of the time kind and the perpetually hateful ones is that the kind person has possibly experienced the pain from some of the most awful people and has possibly lived through some of the most horrifying experiences and are still able to treat others with kindness, respect, and love. I have learned that genuinely kind people have learned how to turn their storms and ugly life experiences into stories of hope for others. They have learned to love others wherever they are at in life. The perpetually hateful people, on the other hand, seem incapable of seeing the world beyond themselves and appear to have trouble with having empathy and truly caring for others. Que the conflict between the two and the relational disasters that often take place...

I will say that the kind people that some would never expect to lose their cool can get angry too if poked at too often for too long or if they perceive that they or their family are threatened...

bears may be cuddly and warm looking, but poke a sleeping one, and you’re asking for it. I’ve learned to not be surprised if you provoke another to anger. I’ve learned from my own experiences, if you’re going to play with fire, then be willing to face the consequences if you end up getting burned. A tough, but good lesson to learn.

With that said, I’ve learned to start telling people when they’re going too far with me. When they’re crossing the lines. When they’re inconsiderate and when they’re just downright being hateful and rude. I don’t do this every time because I am trying to choose my battles, but I definitely have grown in this area.

I used to think that I had to just be extremely patient when people decided to resort to screaming or yelling as a way to get a message across, but I’ve learned that letting others think that it’s OK to treat people with hatred, disrespect, and unkindness isn’t helping anyone because if they’re not doing it to you, they will move on and do it to someone else that they can take their stress and anger out on. Sometimes it is your place to call someone out, especially if they’re hurting you and others.

Setting boundaries with certain people is necessary and that’s ok too. I’ve learned to not feel bad about choosing to protect myself and my family from negative people and influences. You can still love people but say “no” at the same time. If those people can’t respect the boundaries you have chosen to put in place, then frankly, it is their own issue to work through.

7) Grief

Grief comes in waves and it comes hard. This summer I was hit hard in dealing with grief and loss. I really missed people that I’ve loved dearly and lost. When I broke down at work one day, I quickly found that people are actually willing to meet you where you are and relate to you with their own experiences. In the past, I’ve tried to hold it all in out of fear that people would not understand. That’s sad because then you’re not giving people the opportunity to love you and comfort you with sweet words or hugs when you might need it.

I was also reminded that everyone grieves differently. As I’ve struggled through anger at times with peoples insensitive comments, it’s taught me what not to say to others. The saying is true that you truly don’t know what someone else is going through.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There’s definitely more that I could write, but I think this list wraps up a good amount of lessons and reminders from this summer. Hope you all have a great and productive rest of your week!

If you ever want to chat about life, I love coffee, food, and conversation. I’m not afraid to talk about real and hard things either. (Future posts are going to get very real. I’m challenging myself with this blog.)

Kelsey Bock

#thingsivelearned #intentionality #facingreality #investing #forgiveness #boundaries

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derangedroyalfae · 5 years

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Feb 8, 2019 (as of 11:40AM)

1:35AM

He’s going to the backyard to think, and I’m thinking I didn’t think anything fucking through in my entire life.

I’ve made the decision to check on him regularly twice a day, making sure he’s high functioning. I set 2 reminders, one around noon and one in the early evening. It’s not a check on how he’s feeling, more of to make sure he’s eating and taking care of himself. Last night, I let him get away without dinner and going to bed early since A. I literally just broke his fucking heart B. I know he ate at some point (though his body was clearly hungry and we both acknowledged it after his stomach growled).

Am I going to regret leaving him? Or is the regret for staying with him for so long?

I told him that I’m not sure if this is sorta like an “isolated incident” (not the choice of words I used) or actually me just being the terribly shallow person and this is who I am and will have to face for all my future relationships. That I will eventually just stop loving people when I no longer feel the need for them.

Go away, Hollow, you’re not my friend.

No matter what I said, I just couldn’t get him to demonize me. He used the “You can’t help the way you feel” line.

I kept saying to myself this feeling will pass, but what if I regret all of this? I kept saying I wouldn’t, but we never can guarantee our future feelings.

*up until the next morning, Hummingbird and Kitty were in a group chat with each other, but Jewel was a separate chat - however I was saying the same things to them for the most part*

Royal (02/0719 5:29 PM) I’m thinking of doing that talk with Nurd now. I’d rather get it out in the open sooner than later. Why let it build up and make things awkward, especially since I told the girls/you guys and I don’t want what happened to me where I felt so awkward and judged having been around people who knew I was going to broken up with. That being said, I’m not necessarily breaking up with him, I’m talking with him. I might end it with the proposal of breaking up or waiting a couple weeks or month for these feeling to possibly blow over, but I know if my partner was feeling this way, I’d want to know.

I was gonna do it Sunday, but 1. I’m coming out that day so why double stack? 2. It dawned on me that I’d be doing what was mentioned above since I’ve told the girls/you guys and we’re going to their/your place tomorrow.

Hummingbird (6:23 PM) Yeah having that talk before tomorrow might make it awkward. Either way we are here for you :purple_heart:

Jewel (5:38 PM) Makes sense, let me know how it goes

Also of course I totally relate to how you feel about wanting a guy that wants you as a guy

Royal (5:39 PM) A least I can say I gave it a week, which is more time than Nurd and I took to jump each other’s bones.

Though, I know I phrase it like it’s not technically a breakup talk, but if I was in Nurd’s position, the one I’m putting him in, I’d personally go with the break up option...even if I still loved them

Jewel (5:41 PM) Yeah, that makes sense

I probably would, as well, if I were in his position

Royal (5:43 PM) I’m his first everything, and that only makes it worse

Now, I’ll be his first heartache too

I almost feel like offering to wait is like hanging out a line of hope that could just be a rug pulled out from under him

But I feel like maybe I should give it a try, just maybe...I’m wrong, and it’s just another morning where I wake up angry at him for no reason

Jewel (5:45 PM) Honestly, I think you should just go into the talk without deciding the outcome, be it a line of hope or breaking up

Royal (5:45 PM) And I can end the night cuddling with him and apologizing for my unjust feelings, even though I was angry that morning

Jewel (5:46 PM) I get you

Royal (5:47 PM) A thought just occurred: But why would I wake up feeling that way?

If something wasn’t wrong

Why would I just randomly feel so upset or angry with him

Even before we got too far in

Jewel (5:48 PM) And it's not a general anger but specifically directed toward him?

Whenever it happens, that is

Royal (5:48 PM) Yes. I remember it happening that morning and just...I texted him before school telling him I felt so angry with him for some reason and I felt bad about it cuz I didn’t know why, I was just angry and I was angry at him.

We weren’t even living together at the time

And then there was over the summer, but we ruled it out to my hormones

But I just feel an overall annoyance with him nowadays, maybe not all the time, but half of it to a majority

Sometimes nowadays I just wanna punch him when he talks, what he says just gets under my skin, and the way he says it

Jewel (5:51 PM) Like, regardless of what he says?

Royal (5:51 PM) I know I haven’t been good at talking about these things, telling people about them, this is probably the first time you’ve heard it, but I’ve been feeling this way for a while

Not usually regardless, it’s usually on certain topics

But I’ve felt avoidant/annoyed by him regardless

Jewel (5:53 PM) Ah, gotcha

Yeah, I can understand why you wouldn't wanna talk about that

Royal (5:53 PM) But I’ve woken up now and it’s just

Almost like a mind fuck, sometimes a no brainer feeling, it’s so confusing

And I feel like a terrible person for it, I really do

I feel like a monster and heartless, like a real bitch

But it’d only be worse if I dragged him along and led him on. Playing the part is worse if I’m not actually the part.

Pretending is worse than not addressing. It’s unhealthy. It’s wrong.

And I’m the fuck doing this exactly a week before Valentine’s Day holy shit

Jewel (5:56 PM) Hey, it's a helluva lot better than on Valentine's day

Royal (5:57 PM) In my heart, I feel that I’ve already made the decision to break things off. I feel so melodramatic for it, but I’ve honestly felt that way this entire week, at least since Sunday.

I even wrote a song that makes it sound like I broke up with him already (though it could be more like I plan to)

And I’m just thinking that I could just be acting impulsive or that it’s the change of medicine, environment, routine, etc but why does it feel so real and so desirable?

Like, I feel like I actually want to not be with him, that I’d be free if I broke up with him

Jewel (6:04 PM) That's understandable

Royal (6:05 PM) The chorus is literally a reference to every song I wrote for him

"I kept you on the down low

And said you were my everything

You helped me find that happy song

And made my life a musical

I kept thinking we’re meant to be

Writing cheesy love songs

But I guess it wasn’t enough for me

When I lost that connectivity

I broke your heart, so I’ll play my part as

The monster in this song"

Talk about going full circle...

He’s still my muse, whether or not I love him...

(I mean, I feel like I might still platonically love him, just to clarify)

Royal (6:38 PM) We talked, we cried, he said he’s known this was coming but was scared to ask

Jewel (6:43 PM) Are you done talking or it's still going on?

Hummingbird (6:44 PM) Oh... First question, are you ok? And second how did you end the talk (since you mentioned a couple possibilities)?

Royal (7:19 PM) He had gone to the bathroom when I sent that first message

He was crying so hard, and it happens off and on

We cuddled for a good amount of time

He asked if I’d stay in his room tonight, and I said yes

Perhaps a form of saying his last goodbyes I don’t know

Jewel (7:21 PM) Ah, okay

How do you feel?

Royal (7:22 PM) When he said that he’s been catching on, and how early he was noticing it, I felt so terribly validated in a way I never thought I would hurt...

I wasn’t alone in noticing

I thought I was making things up...he thought he was too

Jewel (7:23 PM) At least you both know you're not imagining things now

Royal (7:24 PM) I still feel like a terrible person, because I still feel so hallow

I just ripped out his heart

I might have just changed his entire fucking plan for life

But I’d rather that, than to have slowly rotted his heart with my artificial sweetener love, and not be able to provide what he deserves, and to get to the point where I resented and hated him because he deserve better than that

Hummingbird (7:27 PM) its better to have short term pain instead of a life of spite

Jewel (7:27 PM) It's definitely better not to let things sit

Royal (7:27 PM) I know, but it doesn’t make hurt any less

Jewel (7:27 PM) Does this mean you decided to break up through the course of the conversation?

I understand

You do care about him regardless

Hummingbird (7:28 PM) I wont lie, the pain will take a while to pass.

Royal (7:29 PM) He noticed how happy I was talking to the girls/you guys...and how I hadn’t talked to him like that in a long time

He kept asking if he did something wrong. I kept reminding him this was completely me.

I never got into how I was feeling so...invalidated by him, how I felt a disagreement with his points of view, how I was bothered by how he treated me sometimes. Because those weren’t my real reasons at the end of the day, just a bonus.

No matter what, if we’re done tonight or done in a week or stay together forever, we will still be friends

And perhaps, we should have only been friends from the start

Jewel (7:35 PM) That's good. At least there's that, and you're not going to lose him forever.

Royal (7:41 PM) We say that, though, but there’s no guarantee

Trainwreck/Error said we’d be friends...though they are shitty people at the end of the day

I guess, Error and I did mend that relationship before I left

Jewel (7:42 PM) There's never any guarantee about anything, but regardless, having some hope is better than none

It will depend ultimately on how you both feel as time goes by

Kitty (7:37 PM) Catching up now..

Wow, that happened fast

It sounds like you're both ok... Emotionally drained, but ok

At least it's out in the open

Royal (7:38 PM) I asked him to promise me he won’t do something drastic

I know he’s never been a risk case, but I’m an anxious and paranoid person

Royal (7:44 PM) I felt just like that night all those years ago, it was the night after we talked about dating and I had been waiting for our ride after a show, I was laying on his lap and it was so hard NOT to kiss him. I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t, but I wanted to so bad. As he held me in his arms, both of us laying down, it felt just like that again. For the same and opposite reason as the last...

I’m terrible

Jewel (7:45 PM) I just know you feel like an awful person for feeling the way you do, and I understand why, but it's also understandable how you feel

Royal (7:45 PM) I feel like I used him

Hummingbird (7:50 PM) I don't have the words to comfort you. I wish I could just hold you close.

I know it can be tough not to lapse into doing what seems automatic.

You are not terrible. People can fall into and out of love. It happens. You did not use him.

Royal (7:50 PM) At one point I had said, “I’m sorry if I fucked up your life...”

And he responded, “No. You gave me the best moments of it.”

Hummingbird (7:57 PM) You both will heal. It might take a while but you both will heal. There will be things said either innocently or not that will cause pain.

I know just how tough it is. heck I was in a similar position 3 years ago.

if you need us we are here :heart:

Kitty (8:02 PM) Yeah, 100%

Jewel (8:32 PM) Sorry I disappeared

Royal (8:37 PM) That’s fine, I did too

*once again, not a group chat, these are separate chats with Hummingbird and Jewel, but I was saying the same thing*

Hummingbird (02/08/19 8:43 AM) I love you!

How are you feeling?

Royal (10:04 AM) Love you too

Hummingbird (10:04 AM) :heart:

Royal (10:23 AM) I just keep feeling really guilty, cuz I don’t know what is or isn’t going to affect him to feel depressed. If seeing Araceli and realizing that now he’ll never be her uncle or that he’ll never have a family with me will set him off. If being around my family is just gonna crush him.

I don’t know and I worry it does. I feel so toxic and crushing to him right now, I put him in such an awkward position

But he can’t just pack up and move out with his family yet, he still has a job

I told him that we don’t have to tell my family anything yet until he’s ready. I didn’t want him to feel like he’s under pressured to leave because of them.

Jewel (10:26 AM) I’m so sorry this is all so much. You both really need time to heal from all of this.

Hummingbird (10:29 AM) The worry and guilt suck. Not telling fam until he is ready will probably make it easier on him in the short term

As always I am here to listen if you need to vent, and there are lots of snuggles waiting for you :heart:

Royal (10:27 AM) There’s nothing here that’s not going to remind him of the future I took from him

Hummingbird (10:31 AM) That may be true, but having fam put extra pressure to move it would only make it worse

#journal #mood journal #heartbreak #heartache #breakup #relationship #relationships #regret #remorse

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion,

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

By Astrology King

The New Moon on Friday December 7, 2018 falls at 15° Sagittarius. The New Moon December 2018 astrology is mainly influenced by the alignment of Mars and Neptune at 13° Pisces. The testing square aspect between the New Moon and Mars Neptune brings out the worst of this alignment. The December 2018 new moon has a sinister influence.

Major themes of the December 7 new moon include anger, fear, deception, confusion, immorality and perversion. At 16° Sagittarius, a fixed star in Hercules Constellation will cause irritation from women and a ruthless drive to gain power. The keys to avoiding loss and disappointment from new moon December 2018 are honesty and integrity.

New Moon Meaning

A new moon represents the end of one cycle and the beginning of another new 28 day cycle. Sun conjunct Moon gives an invigorating burst of energy and initiative. So this is an excellent time for making a fresh start, turning over a new leaf, or starting a new project. You can also question old habits, behaviors and beliefs as you search for new and inventive ways to make progress.

The effects of the December 7 new moon will last four weeks up to the Solar Eclipse on 5 January 2019. The best time for making a fresh start and for beginning new projects is during the first two weeks of this new moon cycle. This waxing phase of the Moon lasts from December 7 to the December 22 Full Moon.

New Moon December 2018 Astrology

The December 7 new moon at 15°07′ Sagittarius is square Mars and Neptune. Tempers are probably already frayed because the November 23 full moon was square Mars. I said that full moon had a nasty feel to it because of Moon square Mars by 3°40′ orb. New Moon December 2018 is square Mars by only 1°34′, so tempers are even more likely to boil over.

Mars conjunct Neptune adds a sinister, underhand influence to the aggression, sexuality and nastiness of Mars in hard aspect. On top of all this, the new moon joins a star in Hercules Constellation which acts like Mars on steroids.

New Moon December 2018 Astrology

Mars Conjunct Neptune

Mars conjunct Neptune is exact only 7 hours after the new moon on December 7, 2018. It is a very powerful influence on the new moon, making the testing square aspect by about 1°30′. While this conjunction can make you feel romantic and sensual, the challenging aspect to the new moon means you will more likely feel paranoid and delusional.

If you are very sensitive and scare easily then you need to take precautions. Over idealization or gullibility would leave you open to deception, scandal or slander. Keep yourself grounded in the real world as much as possible. Your good intentions to help others could easily be taken advantage of. Some people might see your generosity as a weakness, and you could even subconsciously attract spiritual vampires.

Avoid negative environments where violence, crime and drugs are prevalent. Your body could be more susceptible to poisoning and infection. Use protection if sexually active. People in general are more likely to be sexually perverse and use trickery to get in your pants.

New Moon Square Mars

New Moon square Mars can lead to tests of character from your competitors or enemies. Superiors, authorities and men in general may be looking to assert their power, leading to ego conflicts. Remember you may already be irritable and impatience because of the full moon two weeks ago that was also square Mars. So you are more likely to react to any provocation or threats with aggression, nastiness or revenge.

Not only people, but challenging events may force you to defend your goals or desires. A defensive position is best. New Moon December 2018 is likely to cause a buildup of anger, resentment or sexual frustration. Such potentially destructive energies need to be channeled constructively so they do not result in conflict, accidents, muscle pain or exhaustion.

Burning up this hot energy will also lower the risk of being subject to aggression and threats from other people who don’t handle this new moon energy so well. Exercise, hard work, sex or masturbation are preferred so long as you don’t push too hard and strain something. Working on a pet project you are passionate about is another good idea but is probably best done alone.

New Moon Square Neptune

New Moon square Neptune can have a weakening effect on your vitality and make you more susceptible to some psychological and health issues. Events or other people can cause confusion and disappointment, forcing you to battle against the odds. The December 7 new moon has the potential to make you feel insecure, guilty and apologetic. Seeing only the best in people increases the chance of becoming disillusioned or worse.

To counter the deceptive influence of this new moon you must be above-board in all of your dealings. This is not the best time for high stress competitive things like business dealings or negotiations. Predators will easily hone in on your soft side and you could be at greater risk of being taken advantage of.

Hypochondria is another issue you may have to deal with. Problems might be difficult to diagnose or there may be a misdiagnosis. You will also be more sensitive to drugs and alcohol, especially if you already have mental health issues such as paranoia or depression. Personal relationships may be subject to dishonesty and deception. Secrets will be harder to keep and harder to uncover.

New Moon in Hercules

Fixed star Ras Algethi at 16

24 is in the Head of Hercules. In hard aspect, it causes much irritation, especially in relationships with women. Ras Algethi corresponds to boldness and a drive to gain power. [1] So the square to Mars Neptune is likely to make people very unethical and immoral in their quest for power. Constellation Hercules is said to give strength of character, tenacity and fixity of purpose, an ardent nature and dangerous passions. [2]

The following celebrities have Ras Algethi in their natal charts: Arsenio Hall (AC and North Node), Bob Hawke (Sun and Mars), John Ramsey (Sun), Jennifer Carpenter (Sun), Tom Waits (Sun), Brigitte Bardot (AC), Cindy Sherman (AC), Ellen DeGeneres (AC), Angela Merkel (AC), Robert Hand (Mercury), Liz Greene (South Node), Bill Cosby (North Node) and Rudy Giuliani (Part of Fortune). The USA Horoscope (Sibly Chart) also has Ras Algethi rising.

New Moon Summary

Mars in almost exact conjunction to Neptune is the main influence on the December 7 new moon. It is a sinister influence because it is square the new moon. Major themes of new moon December 2018 will be anger, fear, deception, confusion, treachery, scandal, revenge, immorality and perversion.

Fixed star Ras Algethi joins the new moon to cause irritation from women and a ruthless drive to gain power. The keys to avoiding loss, suffering and disappointment are honesty and integrity. The actions of others are likely to make you angry, mean and vengeful. The best option would be to ignore any provocation. If you must react then do so in a straight forward, direct and honest way. Don’t leave anything to the imagination.

In particular, the new moon square Mars Neptune increases the risk of being deceived by fraudsters, charlatans, cult leaders and sexual predators. Beware of charismatic people claiming to have the answers to your problems. Sexual abuse by priests is likely to make the news yet again.

However, new moon December 2018 will stimulate your creativity and imagination. So this a good moon phase for art, music, sculpture, dance and drama. Entertainment, charity work and fighting for social causes are excellent ways to use this ethereal energy safely.

The December 2018 new moon is the last new moon in the current eclipse phase which began with the July 2018 Blood Moon Lunar Eclipse. It is a good time to look back over the last five months to check how well you have progressed with your personal goals. That lunar eclipse was at 4° Aquarius. You can look back to the August 2018 solar eclipse at 18° Leo which might apply more to your professional goals.

If the New Moon December 2018 astrology chart directly affects your Sign you can read about it in your free Monthly Horoscope. Finally, for more details about how it affects your natal chart see Sun Transits.

Previous Moon Phase: Full Moon 23 November 2018 Next Moon Phase: Full Moon 22 December 2018

New Moon December 2018 Times and Dates

Los Angeles, December 6 at 11:20 pm

New York, December 7 at 2:20 am

London, December 7 at 7:20 am

Delhi, December 7 at 12:50 pm

Sydney, December 7 at 6:20 pm

References

Fixed Stars and Their Interpretation, Elsbeth Ebertin, 1971, p.68.

Fixed Stars and Constellations in Astrology, Vivian E. Robson, 1923, p.15.

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion,

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon Meaning

New Moon December 2018 Astrology

Mars Conjunct Neptune

New Moon Square Mars

New Moon Square Neptune

New Moon in Hercules

Fixed star Ras Algethi at 16

New Moon Summary

Previous Moon Phase: Full Moon 23 November 2018 Next Moon Phase: Full Moon 22 December 2018

New Moon December 2018 Times and Dates

Los Angeles, December 6 at 11:20 pm

New York, December 7 at 2:20 am

London, December 7 at 7:20 am

Delhi, December 7 at 12:50 pm

Sydney, December 7 at 6:20 pm

References

Fixed Stars and Their Interpretation, Elsbeth Ebertin, 1971, p.68.

Fixed Stars and Constellations in Astrology, Vivian E. Robson, 1923, p.15.

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

Text

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion,

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon Meaning

New Moon December 2018 Astrology

Mars Conjunct Neptune

New Moon Square Mars

New Moon Square Neptune

New Moon in Hercules

Fixed star Ras Algethi at 16

New Moon Summary

Previous Moon Phase: Full Moon 23 November 2018 Next Moon Phase: Full Moon 22 December 2018

New Moon December 2018 Times and Dates

Los Angeles, December 6 at 11:20 pm

New York, December 7 at 2:20 am

London, December 7 at 7:20 am

Delhi, December 7 at 12:50 pm

Sydney, December 7 at 6:20 pm

References

Fixed Stars and Their Interpretation, Elsbeth Ebertin, 1971, p.68.

Fixed Stars and Constellations in Astrology, Vivian E. Robson, 1923, p.15.

~~~~~~~~~

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

LOVE US @ MeWe mewe.com/join/lovehaswon

Visit Our NEW Sister Site: LoveHasWon Angel Numbers

https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/

Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

Introducing our New LoveHasWon Twin Flame Spiritual Intuitive Ascension Session. Visit the link below:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-twin-flame-spiritual-intuitive-ascension-session/

Request an Astonishing Personal Ascension Assessment Report or Astrology Reading, visit the link below for more information:

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-assessment-report

https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-astrology/

To read our Testimonials you can follow this link: http://www.lovehaswon.org/testimonials

Connect with MotherGod~Mother of All Creation on Skype @ mothergoddess8

Donate to Love: http://www.lovehaswon.org/donate-to-love/

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Request a copy of our Book: The Tree of Life ~ Light of The Immortals Book

Order a copy of Our LoveHasWon Ascension Guide: https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-ascension-guide/

#angel numbers #numerology #astrology #angel messages #synchronicity #lovehaswon

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

Text

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion,

New Moon 7 December 2018 – Immorality and Perversion

New Moon Meaning

New Moon December 2018 Astrology

Mars Conjunct Neptune

New Moon Square Mars

New Moon Square Neptune

New Moon in Hercules

Fixed star Ras Algethi at 16

New Moon Summary

Previous Moon Phase: Full Moon 23 November 2018 Next Moon Phase: Full Moon 22 December 2018

New Moon December 2018 Times and Dates

Los Angeles, December 6 at 11:20 pm

New York, December 7 at 2:20 am

London, December 7 at 7:20 am

Delhi, December 7 at 12:50 pm

Sydney, December 7 at 6:20 pm

References

Fixed Stars and Their Interpretation, Elsbeth Ebertin, 1971, p.68.

Fixed Stars and Constellations in Astrology, Vivian E. Robson, 1923, p.15.

~~~~~~~~~

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

LOVE US @ MeWe mewe.com/join/lovehaswon

Visit Our NEW Sister Site: LoveHasWon Angel Numbers

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Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

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