#havent felt this feeling of 'my friend hates me and they literally cant convince me otherwise' in a bit but i saw the first screenshot

[mybonfire]

they don't hate you, (probably).

killdads/elle emerson (@transsextual)/alisonzai/ask polly/killdads

#.txt #havent felt this feeling of 'my friend hates me and they literally cant convince me otherwise' in a bit but i saw the first screenshot #and couldnt resist #web weaving #web weave #on lonliness #vent #webweave #on love #on friendship #yeah maybe thats enough tags idk first webweave ever that doesnt consist of a billion song lyrics idk what to do #loneliness #<- correcting myself now cant believe i spelled it wrong. embarrassing

[bebx]

hi im so sorry but i need to get this off my chest and i cant talk to my friends about it because its so embarrassing and ive talked about it PLENTY

but anyway long story short i was dating someone, we have a weird history dating wise & have been best friends for 3+ years before that all started. literally three weeks ago we decided to be exclusive, on friday i found out that the day before, he kissed another girl IN PUBLIC. i know that girl, they've hooked up before (when i was also hooking up with him but it wasn't anything really and i didn't actually know for sure if they were hooking up (they were)). so we called it quits.

i still spent the weekend bc i'm weak and all i want is him. he said he never felt a connection like this with anyone, he said he loved me and he said he was sorry a hundred times..... he said it would take a long time before he'd feel 'normal' about me. we were both emotional when i left, and since then i havent really stopped crying lol

AND NOW. i dont know if im just driving myself crazy but i feel like he's (still) (again?) talking to that one girl and it would make sense because he basically cheated on me not even a week ago so why wouldnt he do this now??? but. it feels too cruel. but maybe thats just who he is.

god i hate this so much he drives me completely mad im stalking his every move and every time i see something that even slightly hints at my suspicions i get so ill and it makes me wanna kms. i just wanna feel normal i hate that he did this to me i miss him so bad. i know we literally shouldn't ever get back together again because this is just a fraction of the shit thats happened in the past 10 months, BUT I ONLY WANT HIM. and i feel like we're soulmates. BYEEEEE this is so humiliating. im so tired i just want it to end

hugging you so tight right now, anon!!! 🩷🩷🩷 so sorry you have to go through something like this. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because each person experiences this type of pain differently, but I do know it just super sucks when the person who hurts us and the person we want to hate turns out to be the one we love the most. sometimes our hearts can be stubborn just like that (it all would’ve been so easy if we could convince ourselves to stop caring and to being able to fully hate them and moving on, but it’s never that easy, sadly). I can’t tell you what to do or how to react to the pain you feel, but know that your pain is valid and how you feel / how you react / how you cope with that pain, that’s valid too. and you are not weak for being hurt when someone wronged you, especially when it’s someone you trusted. I know this is cliche and is so much easier said than done, but please also be kind to yourself, above anything else. that boy and the girl he cheated on you with, they don’t deserve you. they lost you, not the other way around. think of this as an opportunity for you to open yourself to someone else who truly loves and values you, whether it be romantically or platonically. I know right now you just want him, but if the wrong person can make you love him this bad, imagine how much happier you’ll be when you finally find the right one who can make you love them the same way you loved him, if not more, the only difference is that they won’t break your heart. and you deserve to be happy. that someone is out there, and I truly believe you both will find each other when the time is right. but for now, try loving and being gentle to yourself even if it’s hard (I know it can be hard, but at least give it a try), the best revenge is to prove to them that you don’t need them to be happy and that you can heal from this and thrive without them in your life. doesn’t matter how long it takes, but you will get there one day, and you will look back and be so damn proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. because hey, look at you, you are still here, and for that, I am so damn proud of you!!

it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be completely broken, because the thing about crying and being broken is that it’s not permanent, even if it feels like it right now.

and by the way, the ones who should feel humiliated are him and that girl, not you. screw it if they deserve each other. YOU deserve so much better than that anyway.

#my inbox is open

[tactiletelekonesis]

gonna just ramble my thoughts for a bit

i was talking about how ive been asked to be evaluated for bpd in the past and got told by the doctor that i “dont want that stigma” and shut down before i could decide for myself if its worth it, and the person i was telling this to said they think i dont have it and like.

im kind of mad.

because im still getting to know this person and the more i think on it the more i know i at least have things that mimic the symptoms

and being told “i can tell you dont have it” feels like its diminishing the fact that i worry i do

and dont get me wrong i know the symptoms can be caused by other things but i would still like to know

and like the reason im thinking this is just… dirk strider from homestuck. ive been seeing people say hes textbook DID and i GET IT, i do, but i also really see bpd in him more. and i also see myself in him, though i dont have DID

i see his splinters and lil hal specifically as like. i can see how hal would be an alter, but lets not focus on that. hal is the epitome of a version of dirks self that he gets aggravated with, probably even hates because it reminds him of who he used to be, and to some extent whi he currently is.

if you look at the symptoms of bpd on mayo clinic, i could argue for all of them in dirk - and myself

and like. ive fucked up so many relationships because a flip switches in my head and im convinced they hate me or dont care, and people dont see that BECAUSE I FUCKING HIDE IT

I HID MY AUTISM FROM MYSELF AND OTHERS FOR 19 YEARS. MY PSYCHOSIS FOR 27. whos to say i havent been hiding bpd from people?

i already have dependent personality disorder but if you have one personality disorder youre more likely to have more

the reason people dont believe my struggles is i mask automatically and suffer inside because i dont know how to talk about how im suffering or even explain whats a mask and whats not

i keep going back to the time i was told “youre incapable of being mean” and the visceral reaction of wrongness i felt because i shut myself down so fucking much because the idea of upsetting others is so goddamn terrifying yet until i was 19 i would purposely make lists in my head of actual ways to ruin my friendships of i wanted to. like i would make full lists. just cataloguing all their insecurities so i could weaponize them. i never did because when i admitted to doing this when i felt safe i was told that was a dick move. and theyre right but it still fucking hurt because i dont do it on purpose. i dont.

im currently losing two of my best friends because my brain wont let me fucking talk to them because im simultaneously afraid theyre mad, and mad at them myself, and im sabotaging myself by not talking to them at all

i literally swing from thinking im worthless to thinking im a literal celestial being. i dissociate all the god damn time. im so fucking angry every second of my life

i would go into more detail about other symptoms but im making myself sad.

i dont care about the stigma i want validation for these symptoms and acknowledgement that i am extremely mentally ill at times and i just

i know they meant well but being told im not bpd by a newer friend who im still opening up to is frustrating. youre not my doctor, youre not me. how would you know? my doctor doesnt even know all my experiences because i dont know how to talk about them

im not sure if its the 4am talking or the stress from the roommate situation but like im thinking about bpd again. i think its worth looking into

anyway i cant believe im turning into a dirk kinnie but im not complaining

#konwontshutup #talk about in therapy later

[killerlookz]

im so.... okay... yeah vent post bc i cant rlly talk about this in long form on any other social media without anyone i dont want finding it so.

recently found out one of my best friends has gotten back into contact with one of my ex boyfriends. and. wow ive just truly never felt more betrayed in my entire life. literally if she wanted to befriend any other guy ive ever been with i wouldnt care. its not the principle of him being my ex. its the principle of him being a disgusting vile person. i obviously wont get into the deets because some of them are not mine to share and i would never air out anyones personal trauma like that even if i keep them anonymous. but bottom line. this man is. gross. disgusting. he's hurt my friends, people i know, and me. like. and this girl,,, my friend,,, the one who got into contact with him has SEEN first hand how horrible of a person he is,,, and yet is trying to convince us all to hang out???? she says shes not trying to pressure me and shes "just asking bc he brought it up" like straight up NO??? what makes you think id ever want to see this man in my life???? i havent thought about him much less seen or even talked to him in OVER a year ... i have him BLOCKED on everything... completely removed from my life. like she knows i straight up hate this man. and i just feel so betrayed that she would even ask??? but i know whatever i say back to her is just going to cause drama. if i say no she'll tell him and im immediately the bad guy?? because thats always how its been with him. like i really thought i got rid of him for good like im about to fucking MOVE out of the state like i thought all the miserable shit he caused me was done and id never have to think about him again. but no. apparently this man KEEPS bringing me up in coversation. holy shit like ... ur about to fucking graduate college this year... you just turned 21 i havent talked to you since you were 19??? like no obviously i want nothing to fucking do with you.

#// vent ish

[nerdlebirdle]

TW: low self esteem, depression, spiralling thoughts, toxic relationship mentioned

Random words cause i dont know who to talk to without feeling like a burden to irl friends so im putting it on the internet and idk if i'll even post it. i just want to compile my thoughts.

Im currently going through a depressive episode and got hit with bad news and work has been pissing me off. All negative emotions.

I told my boyfriend about it and just broke down in tears while we were cuddling in bed. Told him about the bad news, how i felt regarding bad news, that on top of being pissed because of work and bad news i have this depressive episode that i have been trying to stave off but cant. I cant run away from depressive episodes that long.

And he just... he held me and hugged me and reassured me im not a horrible person? And that he just felt bad that he didnt know how much i hide emotion wise???

And im laying there going "no its okay. I dont want to be a burden so i hide it. Its second nature" which yes it is, its a defense mechanism i have been using since i was little to avoid feeling like a burden and other horrible thinking i have of myself. (This is NOT a good defense mechanism, i know but im working on it.)

He just "youre not a burden" and when i apologized for bringing the mood down he said "its okay im glad you told me." And i... 😭😭 im emotional

He is so supportive and understanding and patient and kind. This is my first healthy relationship and its throwing me for a GIANT loop.

My ex literally hated hearing about my problems and would spin it to be about him. And when i didnt talk to him, he would get upset i wouldnt talk to him.

And now im in a relationship that not only is he always listening, he's reassuring me of everything im insecure about.

Telling me i am enough. Im not a burden. I can talk to him. Hes happy that i feel safe enough to talk to him about this stuff on MY OWN TIME. Like he doesnt expect to hear about it all the time or all at once but when i do talk about it he doesnt stop me. He doesnt get upset. He listens and he does everything he can to comfort me???? To reassure me its okay to feel like this and that im doing me best??? That im a strong person????

Its so utterly wild to me but it's so nice.

I never thought i would get something like this in my life. I didnt think i deserved it and sometimes i still feel like this. (Im working on it) but its the little things that my boyfriend does that just... i feel loved. I feel special. I feel important. And he just does so much and i dont know if he realizes how much he does with these little gestures.

I have not been one to talk about stuff like this to people. This leads back to my defense mechanism and keeping myself safe. But with him i feel safe, that i can talk to him and not feel judged.

HELL HE TOLD ME "i wont judge you. I will be here for you" 😭😭😭

Everything he has done in the 2 months we have been dating has been more than my ex did in 7 years. More than anyone else has in my entire life.

I know i have good friends that have been with me for years but nothing compares to how my boyfriend makes me feel.

Its throwing me for a loop because i havent had a healthy relationship before this one. I still struggle with my depression. But i know i can go to him if i need to talk to someone or even to just sit with. And that alone is a thought that helps me a ton.

My depression wont ever fully go away but it doesnt feel entirely lonely anymore. Yes the spiralling thoughts keep coming and going and sometimes i do convince myself that i went to far and let out too much emotion/information. But i know he has my back. That alone is such a helpful thing that sits in my head.

And its just so nice to have that.

I hope you all have someone like that. If you dont, please dont lose hope. You will find someone. Just hang in there. I may not know you, but i care about you. You are not alone. I know its tough. I know its hard. I have been in your position many a times. Hang in there. You are doing your best even if it doesnt feel like it. You got this. One step at a time. And no matter how small a step you take, its still progress.

#TW #depression #depressive thoughts #low self esteem #spiralling thoughts #mental health #healthy relationships #currently happening #its such a loop #a good one but a loop none the less

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

#still on my bpd shit #whoops!

[itonje]

for context i had a crush on him way back in the day and I think he knew and I think he indulged me in that (like he asked me out to a movie and called me pretty and all that) even though he didnt feel the same way because I think he felt bad for me and that literally makes me want to kms so much like ...I hate being pitied (even though i am very pathetic in fairness) and I hate the idea that like hes only friendly to me because I'm piteous to him which I think is the case like i just am doing this cause we havent talked for a while and I want to be buddies with him again also I'm lonely and hes the only friend who lives close by so .

I know that constantly saying 'I'm not desperate!! I'm not desperate!!!' is the best way to convince people that you are in fact, desperate, but like idk I know my other friends dont really like me so I have to focus on. other friends and these are things you have to do to have other friends. im trying.

I wanted to be petty today to my friend about something she did that hurt me but I cant bring myself to do it. I'm not even strong enough for that. and I ended up being desperate again and asking someone else to do something else with me. i feel like I'm constantly asking and asking for things. sorry for the emotional mess I'm putting on your dashes today i will be a normal apathetic man in the morning..

#finny.txt

[hellbabyfromhell]

why (if you don’t mind me asking) is your house taking such a large toll on your mental health? Im sure you’ve explained it already but... I’m out of the loop

i havent explained it, and tbh i didnt explain it to my friends fr a long time because i felt guilty AND embarrassed even though i should have just been madif you happen to know these people irl, i respectfully ask you dont share this with them. i need to speak to them at my own time in my own way. its long

basically my (then gf, now ex’s) fmaily “took me in” right after my dad traumatically died right in front of me and ruined my brain. i was all fucked up and they “took me in”. i felt very safe with them. but the way it ended up was with them  bleeding me dry with money because ive been  paying my ex’s rent since my dad died, and if you know me you know thats a long, long time. now, i felt that i owed it to them because they took care of me when my dad died, and that kept me from changing things despite everyone’s warnings, saying they were using and taking advantage of me. but they called me their daughter, they cared about me, i thought. but it really went downhill abruptly......it started with small disrespects. first off, i’m paying half the rent of this townhome for an uninsulated attic with no central air or heat on the third floor. it is alternatingly freezing and fucking makes-you-nauseous hot. this family tried to convince me that i had vents and they were just covered by my trash lol and thats why my attic is worth [REDACTED] (its too much). when i literally showed them the floor plans and there was no vent they basically just went Oh.

Then, they changed my name on the neflix account to my ex’s mom’s mom’s name, because there were too many people on the netflix to make a new profile, so they changed MY name, rather than rowan’s boyfriend or their random ass friend, ME, who pays HALF THE RENT AT THIS HOUSE. that seems petty but its like, im really the least important out of everyone?then came the thing that made me really start reviewing my situation:my ex asked to come over, and they said yes. THEY said yes. not me. this was like maybe a week or two max after we broke up. ex’s mom texted me to say “okay, he’s coming over” and i was like “:0( okay thats fine but i wish you’d told me before cementing down stuff because thats a little inconsiderate” and she was like “Well it would have been inconsiderate of me not to tell you at all.” I thought that was really disrespectful bcause like, they REALLY didnt know our situation at all, and i live on the third floor so if i needed something from the kitchen or something id have to walk past my ex because my ex and my ex’s mom wanted to be fucking friends. it was weird and rude and she would NOT budge on the idea of INVITING MY EX INTO MY HOME WITHOUT CONFIRMING WITH ME being rude!!!!!and then i started looking back, and likethis is one of the worst things, like a couple months after my dad died, i was like catatonic, barely present, sick with grief and majorly traumatized. and these people had me sel my father’s car, with everything in it, so that my ex could get a new car “to drive me around safer : )”...... now i have to BEG to get a ride down the street to baskin robbins unless someone themself needs something. i gave up my father’s car and everything inside of it for this, and they let me. at the time it hurt too much to look at but i wish with everything i could have what i left in that car. i will never forgive them for that. i have so  little of him and some of out favorite things were in that car and i know they knew that.ive mentioned moving out a couple times and they always say “well give 2 months notice!” done. i have. but they kept saying i needed to stay longer or convincing me it was bad to leave until the ex’s mom’s bf needed surgery and then now i cant leave till after january. i wasnt happy about this at all but i was like Okay well i guessbut then the other night, the ex’s mom’s bf (who has his own medical card) had the audacity to get mad at me for not wanting to get him a bunch vape carts from the dispensary i JUST got hired at even though id just bought a lot, AND HE WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE SMOKING!!!. he asked me a favor and i said i was uncomfy with it and he went fucking off on me. 

this is a little snippet. i know you dont know everything just from what im telling you, but what i can say i have done a TON for this family, and this is NOT the only thing he has asked me for, and i don’t know if the doctor prescribed him crack rock because all he does is sit in the living room and watch kill la kill. i was so disappointed in him because i thought he was least complicit and it turns out he hd some issue with me. i’ve done a lot for this family. it was really hurtful.since this i never leave my room, they rarely address me if i do or look right through me. the ex’s mom’s bf asked to speak once in a way that implied that he expected a sorry from me too. you ma believe this to be once sided, but i believe with my whole heart i have done not a thing wrong. i don’t want to apologize. it’s been about 5 weeks now i feel like and they have barely spoken to me. they laugh wildly downstairs and don’t feel even a bit bad that i never come downstairs. that i have to rush around to get packages. that i never use the kitchen or am anywhere near it (not that id want to be because its always stacked high with dirty dishes). my ex’s mom lost her job staying home too much from an illness that shouldnt affect her working since she works a desk job an all she does at home is sit on the couch, do nails, ply overwatch, watch safiya nyagaard and hang out with their friends. i never go downstairs because i feel like its not my home. also my ex’s mom’s bf walks around all hours of the night now so i never feel safe to go downstairs EVER so i ration water and food and when i go to te bathroom people jiggle the doorknob and i say IM IN HERE :0( and also my ex’s mom’s bf walks around puking with the door open  and blowing his nose (he did this pre surgery too) and i just am going crazy here i have to get out. they dont give a shit about me . i dont know if i sound entitled, but it really does suck but i feel so trapped. this isnt my house. OH , and when i sked about moving out ex’s mom said well if we all paid the same amoun it’d be [200 less] .  theyre using me and dont care and i hate being here and it’s making me really want to die. thank you, it kinda felt good to let that out

#broverload #old roommates

[drashleighreid]

ugh i know i’ve made this post before but i’m honestly just in awe of how much and how quickly my studies/perception of my own abilities turned around last semester. like i’ve struggled so much with impostor syndrome and not feeling like i’m good enough or feeling less than. i’ve struggled a lot with my sense of self, especially through having adhd, i was the typical case of doing really well in high school and having rly inflated ambition etc and then going to university and crashing and burning (multiple times) i tried studying like 3 or 4 different things and ending up hating it/dropping out after a semester until i finally started studying film when i was 23. it kind of felt like a last hope for me like i even remember when i did my big 6 month backpacking trip before i moved to melb i was in toronto hanging out with my friend who was trying to convince me to get a work visa and move there and work with him and i told him i was thinking id go back to aus and start studying again but that id consider it and i remember he made like a flippant remark about me trying study again like it wasnt intended to be rude but just that he knew that id hated uni every time id gone lkjlkjsf and even when i started the course i knew that like it was kinda my last hope of getting a degree which had always been a big goal of mine, i felt shit about myself a lot of my best friends from high school had already graduated at this point and i just felt hopeless - and studying something creative after feeling for so long like it wouldnt yield a stable future was a bit of a ‘fuck you i’m done’ kinda move on my part too lol but even through the first year and a half (and even a smidge beyond that) i was battling back and forth whether to drop out and i cried about it to my therapist numerous times because i didnt feel good enough and that it was hopeless etc and that everyone else was better than me, more focused than me. i couldnt even sit through films without being on my phone bc my adhd wouldnt let me so how the f was i gonna work in the industry lmao ! it was so challenging bc i legit didnt know what id do if i dropped out !!! but i just kinda kept going no matter how miserable i was and how much i was sobbing in week 13 writing my essay or how much i felt like everyone in the course were making friends with each other but i had no one or how scared i was to share my ideas with people !!!! i literally felt so bad in every way !!! 

but like through small building affirmations things just keep getting better !!! last semester i pitched a concept for a 16mm short film and it was one of the 4 ideas chosen out of like 25 to be made and i had the most rewarding experience directing the project and made amazing connections with people and created something actually amazing ??? the teachers had almost no negative feedback for it and i got the best grade i’ve ever received lol and i made some rly good friends and got a lot of positive reinforcement from the actors and people saying that i struck a rly good balance with directing and that i was amazing to work with !!! but even after that experience going into 3rd year and beginning major projects i had reservations and felt really nervous because i didnt feel prepared and i was worried that people wouldnt like my idea or after only having written/directed for all of my projects so far i felt like i had to Perform again. the the impostor syndrome - though a lot more muted than before bc i have positive experiences to lean back on!! - was kinda there again like this idea that everything i’ve accomplished so far has been a fluke and that people are gonna realise im dumb etc. etc. lmao but like ! ive pitched an idea and people i dont even know from the course have reached out saying they love it and want to work on it with me and i have basically a full crew ?? just need someone on sound?? and we havent even had the class where we have discussions about it and talk more in depth, thats solely based on a less than 2 minute video pitch and ive had so much interest !!! and it just feels so nice !! like i know this isnt the end, we still have to get greenlit by the panel before it will move ahead to production but its just so validating to have people behind you who show interest and passion toward ur ideas !! 

and ive been chatting to other people about ideas and their film concepts/chatting about helping out with other roles on other films for ppl bc u can do that and id love more hands on experience on sets so im trying to get into sound design and production design bc like no ones gonna hire a film student grad as a director kljlkjsf you gotta be a worm ! 

but like basically this is a really long winded way of saying that i cant believe people actually really value my ideas and my vision and feedback. i got this message from one of the most intelligent people i’ve ever met and like... just two bros being in awe of each other... cleansing 

honestly like !! if you read this far wig go off !! i havent done one of these long winded feelings dumps in a long time but its like good and positive feelings moving forward, even in social iso i feel so connected and wonderful. peace n blessings love u all. chase ur dreams and dont give up !! @ past me and at all of u out there !!  its gonna be ok keep going u got this bitch !!! 

#p #read more #long post

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

[sadprose-auroras]

‘About Time’ - Roger TaylorxFem!Reader (Part 1)

A/N: Hello my darlings! I can’t decide if I hate this or not, and I’m not sure if I’ll continue writing this, depends on the response. Please let me know if you want me to continue it (it would probably require way more parts, like a full on series). Hope you enjoy! - Also, this can apply to Ben Hardy’s portrayal of Roger. Whatever you prefer!

(This was totally inspired by a couple time travel fics I read a few weeks ago, I can’t remember the authors or the names but all credits to them for the time travel idea…. LOVE. IT. I just HAD to write my own, crappier version)

Find my other works here!

 You sunk to the floor, your knees giving out beneath you. You felt ridiculous, curling up in a ball, in your wardrobe, but you had reached your breaking point; everything had suddenly hit you. As you hugged your knees, sobbing, your jeans became tear-soaked. Your mind wandered, as your cheeks flamed in embarrassment and shame about your current state, despite nobody being around. How did you get here? A few months ago, your life was great. You had a great job, a great circle of friends and boyfriend, and you were pursuing your passion; studying fashion design. Then, everything began to crumble around you. All your friends turned on you, you got fired, and your studies began to slip as a result, causing you to fail an exam.  

 If all that wasn’t bad enough, you found out your boyfriend of two years had been cheating on you for a year and 11 months. Go figure. It was as if the universe was playing some long, cruel joke on you, just to see how long before you gave up on trying to pursue any kind of happiness. Just as you came to the conclusion that you really had nothing to fight for, leaning your head back on the wall behind you and closing your eyes, the strangest feeling overcame you. Your head began to spin, and pins and needles covered your entire body. You tried to open your eyes, to move your body, but you were frozen. Your heart rate increased rapidly, and you began to think that this was really it. Whatever was happening, you were going to die. Strangely enough, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.  

 By some miracle, everything stopped. The pins and needles ceased, and, save a throbbing headache, you felt much better. You experimentally wiggled your toes, and you had feeling back again. Hesitantly, you opened your eyes, looking around you. It was dark, but you could make out the shapes of the clothes hanging around you. Oddly, you didn’t recognise any of them. The chair that was next to you when you closed your eyes was gone, replaced by a shoe rack.  

You stood up, closed your eyes again and rubbed your temples, trying to rid of the probable hallucinations. You racked your brain, thinking back to when you studied psychosis in high school. You couldn’t remember a thing. Was temporary paralysis a symptom? 

 You decided you needed to call a doctor. You pulled your iPhone out of your pocket, still in the dark, and opened up safari. You had no wifi, and no reception. Frowning, you opened the wardrobe door, the knob feeling unfamiliar, to be greeted by a figure doing the same. The door swung open suddenly, bouncing on its hinges.

 You both screamed loudly, and, without looking at the figure in front of you, you tried to push past to get away, however, a hand gripped you and pulled you back. 

 Your eyes became fixed on the man in front of you. You frowned, unable to tear your eyes off him. The hallucinations were getting worse; you were conjuring up images of people in your home. Hang on. You knew his face all too well; you had spent hours watching him drum and sing at concerts on YouTube. It couldn’t be, could it?

 “Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my wardrobe!?” he asked, releasing his grip on you. You winced, rubbing where his fingernails had dug into you. This was all too much.

 “I should be asking you the same thing, why are you in my house? What’s going on?” you looked around the room, expecting to see your familiar bedroom; your posters plastered around the walls, your colourful duvet, and your plush white carpet. Instead, the walls were empty, the duvet was blue, and the carpet was grey.

 “I need to sit down,” you said, overwhelmed, perching on the edge of the unfamiliar bed. You glanced up at the man in front of you, his expression still shocked and wide-eyed, as he looked you up and down, his brows furrowing. 

 “God, you seem so real,” you laughed. “But there’s no way.”“What the fuck do you mean?” he replied. “I know I’m real, but I can’t say the same about you. I’ve never known anyone who can just appear out of thin air,” he shook his head in disbelief. 

 You frowned, rubbing your hands through your hair. “What do you mean, I appeared out of thin air?” your stomach began to sink. For reasons you couldn’t explain, something else was going on. Something much weirder than you initially thought.

 “Well, I don’t see how you could have got into my wardrobe without me seeing. I’ve been in my room for 20 minutes.” You glanced at his legs, frowning. What kind of person wears flared jeans anymore? 

 “I, um,” you began, a laugh escaping your lips despite yourself. This was all too ridiculous. You were actively avoiding eye contact with him. You figured if you acknowledged that it was him, at that age, in front of you, this would all go away. It was impossible. Suddenly, it all came together, as shocking as it was. It wasn’t him that was in the wrong place, it was you. This wasn’t your house. You had no wifi or reception. And, Roger Taylor, looking as he did circa 1972, was right in front of you. Had you time travelled? Your head span at the possibility. What else could explain these strange occurrences? 

 “What year is it?” you asked, this time properly meeting his eyes this time. Photos didn’t do the real thing justice; his baby blue eyes were maintaining steady eye contact with you, his lips were slightly parted, and his hair looked so soft and angelic. He was insanely beautiful. You internally cursed yourself. Now was definitely not the time.  

“1972…” he said, becoming even more confused. Your theory was confirmed. You’d watched all of the Back to the Future movies countless times, but you’d never imagined anything like that could ever really happen. Especially to you; plain, boring, old you. 

 “I know you’re probably not inclined to believe the crazy girl from your wardrobe, but I think,” you bit your lip, concerned at how he would take the news. “I think I’m from the future.” 

----------

 “So, you’re telling me you didn’t do anything for this to actually happen?” Roger asked. After trying to explain to him a million times, that yes, you were in fact just as confused as him, and no, you didn’t climb through his window, you tried to remain patient. He had every right to be confused as hell, you would definitely react the same if you were in his shoes. Despite this though, he was oddly trusting, allowing you to remain in his house and actually giving you the time of day to explain your side of the story. He even offered you a glass of water and something to eat, which you accepted gratefully. You were starving. 

 “Yes, I was literally just in my wardrobe, then the next thing I knew we were screaming in each other’s faces.” 

 “How do I know you’re telling the truth? You don’t seem very sane so far. I’m going to need some proof. You could just be a crazy girl who will do anything to sleep with me,” he smirked. You rolled your eyes. So the stories were true, he really was cocky.

 “Don’t flatter yourself, Taylor,” you retorted. “And no,” you said quickly, as he opened his mouth to speak, “I don’t know your surname because I’m a crazy stalker.” Your mind wandered to your extensive Queen record and CD collection. Okay, so maybe you were a little, but he didn’t need to know that. 

 “I know because Queen makes it big. I mean, massive.” You bit your lip nervously. If Back to the Future taught you anything, nobody should know too much about their own future. For the first time in your life, you had to think about what you said before you said it.

“How can I convince you?” you asked.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “What year do you claim to come from, anyway?”

“2019,” you bit your lip. 

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Am I….?”

 “Still alive? Yeah.” Suddenly, you had an idea. You pulled your phone out of your pocket, thankful it was still charged. You turned it on, the time and date you had left still displayed on the screen (18th January 2019, 11:00), in front of a picture of Queen from 1975. You turned the screen towards him. 

 “Holy shit, is that me?” he gasped, leaning forward. “2019.” He looked up at you, and you shrugged and nodded. You were thankful he didn’t know the implications of having a picture of somebody as your lockscreen. 

 “There’s something else,” you unlocked your phone, opening music and searching for ‘Doing Alright.’ You pressed play, the song pouring out of the speakers.

Yesterday, my life was in ruin

Now today, I know what I’m doing… 

“Oh my god, that’s our song! We haven’t even released it yet.” He chuckled. You couldn’t help but grin at his excitement, encapsulated by his gorgeous smile. 

 “Wanna hear more?” you smirked. It’s funny, you had never felt so comfortable around somebody so quickly. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but something about him relaxed you. 

----------

 “Have you noticed I haven’t asked about that thing you’re holding, ‘cause I’m too scared to?”

 You laughed, covering your mouth with your hand. You’d spent the last half an hour playing Roger a few more Queen songs. A small nagging voice in the back of your mind was telling you to stop, to not reveal anything about his future, no matter how small. But Roger’s pleading to hear more won.

 “It’s actually a phone,” you said, to answer his question. “Well, that’s its main purpose anyway. You can use it to take and store pictures, play music, and use the internet. Which, well, you’ll find out about in approximately 18 years.”

 “I’m intrigued, what’s the internet?” he asked. You thought of all the unspeakable things you had come across on social media, and shook your head.“You don’t want to know.” He raised an eyebrow at you, and you tried to suppress a blush.  

You cleared your throat, averting your eyes from him as you straightened up in your seat. “What’s the time?” you asked. He glanced down at his watch. “3am,” he laughed in disbelief. “We should probably get some sleep. I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

 You shook your head rapidly, taken aback by his utter kindness. “Oh my god no, please, I will. It’s your house,” you said, getting up from the chair you were sitting on. He did the same. You both stood awkwardly, basically staring at each other. You couldn’t help but think of the times you watched a Queen documentary on TV, with the Roger of your time’s commentary. It was hard to believe the man in front of you was the same person.  

 He cleared his throat, tearing his eyes off you, and going into his bedroom, mumbling something about getting something for you to sleep in.  

 As you awaited his return, you couldn’t help but wonder why you were so focused on how flustered you were around Roger, and not worried about the fact that you were literally stuck in the wrong year, and had no idea how to get back. The funny thing was, you had no desire to. You hadn’t felt so at home in a long time, than when you were laughing and talking with Roger. He made you feel so safe, so quickly. And that feeling would only grow stronger when you both gave up on convincing the other to sleep on the couch, and ended up sharing his bed. 

PART 2: BONUS CONTENT THAT I WROTE THE SAME DAY AS PART ONE. I’M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE IT BUT WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING IT IN A WORD DOC N NOT POSTING IT?

When I was writing this, I couldn’t stop imagining rom-com moments. Like, the outfit section? A cute montage with a cute song. Damn I wish I could express the images in my head more clearly, in words. My writing sucks. 

“Y/N, wake up. Y/N!!” A familiar, yet foreign, voice startled you. As you came to your senses, you realised your usual soft, silky sheets were replaced with cotton ones, and an unusual smell wafted around you. You slowly opened your eyes, to be greeted by Roger leaning over you, a slightly annoyed look on his face. Fuck. It was real. He must’ve read your disappointment on your face, and he smiled sympathetically and nodded.

“Yep, you’re still here,” he mumbled. You couldn’t help but sigh; you’d hoped it was a really long, unusual dream.

“I have to go to rehearsal for a gig tonight. Do you wanna come?” Of course you didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to meet the rest of the band, and literally see the magic happen, you couldn’t help but feel like you were invading. But then again, who could say they had the chance to sit in on an early Queen rehearsal, especially knowing how successful and impactful they were going to become?

“I don’t – I don’t want to intrude,” you mumbled, sitting up in the bed and clutching the duvet around you, suddenly feeling exposed in Roger’s white shirt.

“Well it’s your choice, I understand that you probably don’t want to sit around with us when you could be finding a way back home or finding your parents or something,” he said.

Although you would never admit it, you wanted nothing more than to go with him. Not only was it literally history in the making, but the absence of your birth parents in your life, leading to a childhood of foster families who couldn’t care less about you, gave you a sense of independence at a young age. You knew how to be alone, seeking solace in music. Music created by the greats like Queen made you feel less alone, as silly as it sounded. It was your escape from the struggles in your real life.

“Wait, no. I want to come. If you don’t mind. But I need something 70s appropriate to wear,” you chuckled, glancing over at your high-waisted skinny jeans and cropped knit jumper folded neatly on a chair.

“I think that can be arranged.” Roger grinned at you, and you were struck with yet another wave of disbelief. Roger Taylor was going to lend you come of his iconic clothes.

After spending a couple of hours going through Roger’s clothes, which was your absolute dream, you finally settled on a pair of pants that were a little too short, and a shirt that was slightly too tight across the chest. You tried to spice up the outfit with a few of Roger’s necklaces, much to his dismay.

“Do I look okay?” you asked when you stepped out, twirling around with your arms out.

Roger, standing with a pile of clothes in his arms that you had rejected, furrowed his brows and looked you up and down. You couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sight; he was taking his job as your stylist very seriously.

“You’ll almost fit in,” he said, “although, the shirt is too tight,” he finished bluntly, gesturing to your chest. You folded your arms instinctively.

“Don’t worry, I won’t look at your boobs.” You frowned at this. Was that meant to make you feel better? Why did you feel slightly disappointed?

“Um, thanks?” you scoffed. “What should I do with my hair?” you tugged on each of your French braids. Roger walked towards you without warning, and pulled out your hair ties, running his fingers through your hair.

“Just leave it loose.” He said hoarsely, his face dangerously close to yours. Your heart was beating rapidly, and you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was biting his lip in concentration, his eyes squinting as he adjusted your hair. It took everything in you to not lean into his touch; his fingers were so delicate. As he pushed a strand of hair out of your face, his eyes met yours.

“Perfect,” he almost whispered, his breath sending shivers down your spine. You knew you should pull away. You knew this would get way too complicated. Your rationality was telling you to snap out of it. But as his hands smoothly came to rest around your neck, bringing you closer, something else entirely was driving your actions.  Just as you began to lean in, he pulled away, clearing his throat loudly.

“Let me get you a coat,” he said, quickly rushing away from you. You bit your lip, cheeks flaming. You were humiliated. What were you thinking, trying to kiss him? He obviously wasn’t attracted to you; the weird, pathetic crazy time-traveller. You didn’t even belong here anyway, how could you possibly think he would want you? Your eyes began to well up, you just had to get out of there.

As you quickly began to gather your clothes and phone, furiously wiping the tears from your eyes, Roger returned with a fur coat in his arms.

“Here, this should fit – wait, what’s wrong?” he asked, realising your state.

“I’m just gonna go. I’m so sorry to have invaded your life like this, you shouldn’t have to deal with my weird ass problems. Thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you, I guess. I’ll never forget you,” you rambled, becoming increasingly embarrassed, trying to walk past him. He gently placed his hands on your upper arms, turning you to face him.

“Hey, hey, I don’t have to help you, okay? I want to. If you’ll let me.” he said, a surprisingly vulnerable look on his face.

“But, I’m burdening you too much! You can’t have me holding you back from living your normal life. You don’t want me clinging to your side like some kind of….” You paused, struggling to find the right words in your frazzled state. “Some kind of leech. I mean, I’m just annoying. For God’s sake, we have nothing in common! I’m technically young enough to be your daughter!”

Roger laughed softly. “Okay, first of all, you’re not a leech. And yes, it’s weird that you’re from the future, and I’ll probably never wrap my head around it, but so what? We shouldn’t get along, but we do.” You hoped he couldn’t notice your blush at this.

“And, lastly,” he said, a cheeky smirk on his face, “the thought of you being my daughter is gross, but me being your daddy on the other hand…”

“Oh my god, Roger! No!” you couldn’t help but laugh, as you rapidly shook your head. You couldn’t tell if he was joking or not; you secretly hoped he wasn’t.

“So, do you still wanna come to rehearsal?” he asked, all joking aside.

You sighed, hoping you weren’t being a burden. “Okay, give me that then,” you grabbed the coat off him, pulling it on.

“Do I look normal?” you asked.

“No,” he smirked, and you raised your eyebrows at him. “In a good way, though. Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand. You tried to ignore the jolts of electricity you felt from this sweet gesture. You never thought simply holding hands with someone would give you so many butterflies.

#roger taylor x reader #roger taylor #queen #queen band #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #brian may #freddie mercury #john deacon #queen imagine #fanfic #queen fanfic

[drews-diary]

21.08.19

today’s diary entry is gonna be weird. also hi, its been a while. a few days ago, i learned that the fourteen year old i tutor has a boyfriend. and while that is a perfectly reasonable age to have a boyfriend i just cant get over the fact that someone born in 2007 is already capable of typing let alone dating. I remember when my friends little brother who was also born in 2007 was crawling around and cried cuz he hit his head on the table. but to be fair that didnt really bother me too much as i always felt as though i was stagnant and things around me were the ones always changing. 

But then today i was listening to taylor swift’s old albums cuz i was feeling nostalgic and i listened to fifteen from the fearless album that came out back in 2009 and i realized that she released that song when she was around twenty which means she probably wrote in when she was in her teens writing about how she knows so much more than she did back when was starting high school that she wish she could tell her younger self. and i remembered listening to that album as a child and expecting myself to feel the same by the time i became an adult. yet here i am at 21 no thoughts head empty. and i realized that even if i met 15 year old me there is next to nothing i would want to tell her because i still feel like i am more or less still the same ignorant uninformed person. the only thing i would tell her is to stop fucking around and focus on school. 

i feel like i dont have as much experience as the other people around me. I never used to care that i’ve never been romantically involved with someone, but i always thought it would happen eventually when i got to college but a three semesters have passed and i have yet to take a single class on campus. 

to be completely honest the only reason i am even fever writing this right now is because i had a ice cream blending cold brew from starbucks this evening because i had to get up excruciatingly early for class registration (which i completely failed at) and had three tutoring classes today meaning i didnt have time for my daily afternoon nap so the coffee was the only thing making sure i didnt fall asleep during my last class. I purposely dont drink coffee regularly so that i can use it like a magic potion when i need it and the caffeine hits me like a bus. it has been six hours and i am still wide-eyed i should not have gotten a grande. today was also my first time trying coldbrew so there’s that. i was kinda grateful for the effects because it made sure i was awake for today’s episode of hospital playlist but now i kinda wanna sleep since i didnt get much last night and i would like to make sure i dont miss my class tomorrow morning, i have to get up at at least ten, but here i am typing this.and i think i am just going to keep going.

my family moved recently, and for the time being my entire room is surrounded by bookshelves because my brother’s bed is too big and we cant fix any bookshelves into his room and i am only using a mattress topper thing for the next few months. this is because i finally convinced my mom to let me throw out that horrid bed with the curved head and foot board with the flower decorations that always dug into the back of my head, neck, and back when i was trying to read. so that is the situation in my room until the end of the year when hopefully my brother’s whole situation will be over and we can finally go furniture shopping and switch rooms. (we are also currently living in each other’s room because his permanent room aka my current room cannot fit his fucking gigantic boat bed. actually i really love that bed i wish he was still young enough to use it its so cute.

i find our new neighborhood unsettling. like its probably because i got so attached to our old house that we lived in for nine years but i dont know. the place we moved to is a location that i used to spend some time in when we first moved to korea but i literally havent been here in nine years as mentioned earlier, and i am slowly piecing my memories of the geography as well as blending it with the incredibly limited knowledge i have of the nearby surroundings that i built riding the bus and when i was learning to drive because the school that i went to is kind of near our new place. anyways to get back to the subject this new neighborhood is full of too many happy families with these little kids that run around with their sticky little fingers flailing around. like hello we are still in the middle of a global pandemic i swear to god parents of little kids will go loose their minds when their children get sick yet they let them just run around spreading their disgusting little disease to the rest of us. ugh i hate kids. but thats besides the point the reason i think the new neighborhood feels dystopian is because all of the families, children and the elders too (why are there so many elders like i dont hate them or anything most of them are fine but like where are they all coming from?) look so happy. where are the depressed high schoolers and burnt out college students? my brother and i dont seem to have any friends in this bitch. anyways so the sheer amount of happiness that seems to radiate around me reminds me of books and movies like the giver you know or like the uglies series where you start off in this utopian-esque world until you find out that it is actually fake. its unsettling. 

okay now i am kind of tired good night. wait also the public transportation at our new place fucking sucks i know it’s pretty good by regular standards but i am used to subway stations, convenience stores, cafes and bus stops all being 30 seconds away from the entrance of my building. okay the bus stop took more like two minutes but whatever. and buses used to come every five minutes but now i have to walk at least ten minutes to the nearest subway station and the bus stops only have three buses and even those take so fucking long to arrive and they dont even arrive when they say they will they are always late which is why i end up fucking walking twenty minutes to the subway station because that way at least i can guarantee that i am not going to be completely late. unreliable ass buses.

fuck there’s a lot i dont like about my new neighborhood. oh wait we are also far from malls now i have to walk like half an hour to get to the nearest mall when at our old house i only had to walk ten minutes and the mall close to our new house is worse than the old one. this one’s movie theatre isnt even famous. but dont get me wrong i guess there are things i like about our new place like how you can call the elevator from inside the house or how there’s a gym and the fact that i now have ac in my room. i am just being a brat because i really loved our old house. it was perfect. even if i felt as though i was being burned alive during the summers sometimes. i also like my new blinds that let in light in the shape of constellations. 

i dont currently have a desk in my room so i dont know what im going to do when school starts again in a few weeks i guess i’ll have to take my lecture on the floor or maybe on the kitchen table idk.

[corndogblues]

the raven cycle

i consume media... ah yes....

the raven cycle! i loved it. i loved the characters and their dynamics and i want to talk about it since none of my friends have read it or have the intentions to read it as quickly as i would like (they have jobs, obligations, etc. i get it). the only thing is that i hated the ending! (also: major spoilers) 

i saved that last hundred or so pages for a second day of reading the raven king. and i wish i would not have done that! maybe it would have made it a better or more satisfying ending. i just hated how quickly it ended. gansey dead then suddenly he’s alive... and then boom. book done. there are plot lines that i wish were more explored. though i have criticism for the book i also love these books. dont get me wrong! i have some proposed endings...

1. okay.. so gansey stays dead. the group isn’t able to revive him and everyone grows together and grieves together. in this scenario im not sure if theres still a cabeswater but theres no scenario where ronan dreams up a new gansey, its just something he would never do. 2. (im stealing this idea from the half bad trilogy) we see blue lean into her tree-kin thing, she kicks her dad out of the beech tree. it is literally rightfully hers and she let him know previously. she stays in that tree out of grief for the rest of her mortal life. 3. the two previous scenarios combined. blue goes into tree, adam and ronan visit her and grieve with her and maybe she comes out someday. i cant think of an ending for gansey to come back to life but im sure there is one (what if they sacrificed piper in some way, she didnt want to die when she was killed. they find her laying there, she cant be saved and the group somehow convinces her to renounce her life. IDK) or maybe. normal ending but its more drawn out and we get a bigger look into what happens after they graduate. i wanted more from the epilogue. 

another thing is henry’s character. just a sudden minority character with a stereotyped asian mafia mother thrust into the last book. i say either write him in earlier (maybe during k’s arc, in ronans sort of absence (not really) henry helps and he just accepted into the group). or dont write him in at all. also get rid of the casual racism between adam and ronan. make a little bitch character like k or one of k’s goons be the racist ones since theyre already shitty people. henry’s character had potential !! i wish he was written better.

something else that i loved was the disappointment of glendower beind dead dead. holy shit. what an awesome let down (/genuine). awesome being used in a this is a really good let down BUT you need to make up for it. and rushing the ending (as a previously mentioned) and then bringing gansey back wasnt a satisfying rebuttal. yes i did read bootlegged pdf’s off the internet so maybe i missed something idk or i sped past an important sentence. but i felt like there was so much left to be wanted. i wanted to understand it more!!!

other than all that its mostly smaller things. why the antique business freak buildup for it to end in one measly chapter. unsatisfying use of magic towards the end. the feeling of the group being split at the end (this series is BUILT on these strong friendships). nobody saying anything about ronans mom when cabeswater was rotting and then just killing her. noahs death. a lot of unsatisfying filler in the end. greys mans ending. 

overall. i give the whole series a 5 out of 5. i love it so much. i will always recommend it to others and beg my friends to read it. the last two books (mostly the last book) just left more to be desired. i havent read opal yet or the dreamers trilogy. but maggie is writing more bc i feel like she left open these plot lines so she could continue writing this story (blues dad, gwen, persephone, etc.) there is so much!! which is awesome and im sooooo excited to read. 

#long post

[2dtacokit-blog]

Me and fucking mirrors. I stare a lot in them and what i see usually makes very little sense. I dunno if its dissociation or dysphoria but it’s like i can see what is there and then... it shifts. I can hardly focus on any element of my appearance without trying to convince myself something else is there. I forget what i look like a lot, that is dissociation, but since dysphoria has been kicking my ass it has gotten worse. That is, unless I dress or work to transform myself into something my brain is prepared to take in/translate? If I stand in the mirror naked or in my pyjamas, without binding or making an effort to do my usual masc things, my eyes feel like they go weird. Kinda like a lens that is out of focus. We can see what is there but it doesnt compute with my brain. No amount of changing pose, hiding body parts, or whatever helps, it’s like my brain wipes what the mirror shows from my memory. So i just... stare at the mirror for ages. Zoning out over and over until i end up usually close to angry tears or wanting to hide.

Before I started trying to present masc, I would have the same issue but I didnt question my gender, just... hated the parts of my body that marked my gender. I would do my best to amplify those parts, look as femme as possible but I had the same issue... brain fuzz, discomfort, some kinda irritating thing that was going “well none of this is right”. So i assumed it was weight. Weight, scarring, stretchmarks, age, evidence of pregnancy. I grew obsessed with my weight and would switch between starving myself, binging when i felt i was gonna pass out, working out and denying myself any food after. At times i had to have encouragement to finish eating because inside a voice was screaming that I was gonna get fat again. I have barely spoken about this as it is ongoing and i am sick of having problems tbh. As I lost weight, i still had this “it’s not right” but it wasnt that i was fat. Staring at the mirror again like WTF, why is this body that is... not fat, not big at all really, quite small to be honest still making me distressed?!. I was the smallest I had been since my early teens and I was still unable to see my body? despite seeing it.

Is it the shape of the belly then? loathe it, so lets try and get it as flat as possible. As I got close to that milestone I loved how it felt when i closed my eyes but... Looking in the mirror again it was still wrong. Gender started coming in here, belly fat and the stretchmarks on my stomach since my pregancy I couldnt dissociate from my born gender, or the trauma associated. If i cover my body up in a tshirt then i can deal with it just about, until i look in the mirror and its like I have a ramp going from my neck just to nowhere, and my tshirts just hang straight off.The shape was wrong, and I could never get it right. I tried wearing tight fitted clothes for ages but that niggling, itchy, nettle stinging voice was saying it was still hideous and we hated it. If i saw this exact body on paper (why i draw it) I dont hate it or feel repulsed at all. If i see this body on another person i am not repulsed either. It is just on myself. On myself, in photos and in the mirror. So I tried sports bras, and my body had a sillohette of an attractive woman, the figure i thought i wanted all my life and yet it is still not fucking right is it?!

The presence of my breasts made me feel fat, even if they were hoisted high, presented neatly in a balcony bra or squished with a sports bra. I felt fat, and somehow that made me feel more female. Which for a long time i hadnt realised was kinda the problem. I associate weight in chest, hips, ass, thighs and tummy with femininity, all things i dont mind in anyone else but loathe in myself bcz my body should not be that. My body is curvy. Even as i lost a tonne of weight and work out 4 times a weak focussing almost entirely on weight training and heavy lifting, it is still curvy and that makes me feel very female. Which makes me feel very sad.

But it all gets confusing when i am standing there in the mirror, in a binder and masc clothes, face also done to look a lil more masc and what i feel then is sadness and rage. Mainly because i look like a nothing? I dont look like a guy, I do not look like a girl in that state so i look nothing. And that creates more distress. I try hard to dress to exaggerate my masc parts of my body (shoulders and back, legs), but my torso fucks it all up. That and my face because in all my trawling through the internet i havent found a guy that looks like me, mainly because i look like a hecking girl. But then again I dont look like a girl. I know this because I try from time to time to present as a girl in private because the frustration of looking like a nothing is too much and i feel i should be able to just, wear a bra and be okay again.

Bullshit. I stand in a bra in the mirror, wearing my girliest underwear and i want to vomit because i cant see my body again, even though i am staring intensely at it in the mirror. I dont look like any girl i know when i look in the mirror and i can feel my eyes trying to adjust parts to masc appearance. I look like a miserable, sad weird looking guyish thing trying to be a girl - which could be validating for my dysphoria in the sense it kinda goes HERE IS THE THING, but its agony, because i know when i take that girly stuff off and put the binder and masc stuff on, I see a stupid girl trying to be a guy. By this point i am fighting SI urges because i cannot think straight. I simultaneously look too big because of the presence of my fatty femme parts, and look too small because despite all my hard work building muscle is hard. I am somehow seeing myself in that mirror as a fat, gross girl and a skinny, imasculine guy.

I take tonnes of pictures because i try to get a glimpse of the person I saw in a shop window reflection that made me feel like i was rushing. I spend ages trying to pose to feel more masculine, but get the balance right because i cant go full guy, because nothing says “you are just a girl trying to be a guy” than being a girly bodied and faced person trying their hardest to look like a guy. That and I know those photos i cannot show anyone i really know except a few close friends. Like i can feel myself trying to go all the way guyish and then pulling back a bit out of fear and self hatred. My best days though are when I feel like i pass great and people are receptive of it, but those times are fleeting, because every night without fail the battle with the mirror continues and i am lying in bed, stoned out of my mind, ploughing through all my photos and pulling them apart.

Comparing them to actual guys and going “lol you are a complete joke, look at yourself, can you actually comprehend how stupid you look in all of these? quit this you tool.”. Then comparing them to girls and going “i dont look like them either but i also do? I dont want to look like them, they are beautiful but i dont want to look like them.”. Final round in my persecution, i return to the pictures of men who share similar qualities to me, and my drawings, and before i pass out go “you will never look like this, you are a fool for thinking it. Even if you did transition you would never look like this. This is not possible for you. It never will be. You dont deserve those pronouns, and you dont deserve the other ones. You do not exist, you cannot exist, you are so unbelievably pathetic, continually transferring onto fictional characters, dreaming you could look like them. It’s hysterical almost that you try this hard when you know it is impossible, That you are who you are, and who you are does not exist in any sodding form, because the one you want you cannot have, and the one you exist in is so wrong you can never fully see it anyway.”.

Just had to get that out of my system. Feels are high today, and struggling a bit. The double whammy of DID and gender dysphoria is making it very difficult to stay... in this realm of reality? bcz my brain keeps dissociating from it and doing literally everything in its power to detatch myself from my body and the reality where I am this weird freak thing. Like high school and primary school, and like almost all my trauma. Sorry for this BS rant.

#personal rant #trying to do better #i hate my brain #depersonalization

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[cakethegreatxx]

The Reason

I didn't breakup with you because I don't love you anymore. I broke up with you because we grew toxic for eachother. We crippled eachother, we lost ourselves in our love and drug use, we needed to find ourselves again. We needed to learn how to take care of ourselves. We needed our families back, and i did everything i could to get mine back. That ment losing you in the process and vice virsa. How can someone choose between family and your bestfriend you've loved for almost 4 years? I hear everyday how proud they are for me ending it. I broke my own heart trying to make other people happy. We had our fights, but I could never stay mad at you. When I say toxic, I don't mean that we abused eachother physically.. emotionally though it was on purpose. There was a time we forgot about the whole world, put eachother before everything. You've turned down jobs, disconnected with your family, stole from your family for me. Just to support me. I couldn't let me, stop you from becoming the best you, you could be

I wanted you to feel happy, I needed you to see there was more to life then just me. I went at it the wrong way. I was harsh because it was just to hard letting you go. I haven't let go, and I don't think I will. When I said I'd marry you, I ment it. I still mean it. I tried to get over you, many times. Do you know how much pain and agony ive put myself through trying to grasp the thought that we don't need eachother to be happy? I held it together, though I was dead inside, no one had a clue. 4 months later, when i found out you were in the hospital, i cried and panicked. I paced for hours trying to convince myself that it was all a dream. I want to take it back, you taught me to love. You showed me what love was. You made me feel like i was the only girl on the earth. You showed me there's more to life, that everyone has a chance at happieness. That I create my own happieness. That life was worth living. That we were fighters. Thats when i lost it. Thats when i realized im stuck in a relationship that was basically an excuse and coverup of my emotions. The last couple of weeks, my breathes have been shallow, my heart is mangled and my brain is an active war zone. The day you almost died snapped me into reality. I am stuck and dont know what to do or say. Everyone thinks I'm over you. I really thought i convinced myself that i was in fact over you, but im not, I never was. My life is a lie. All I do is think about is you, I try to imagine your voice saying its going to be okay, we'll get through this together. Writing all this out makes me realize, there's no amount of apologies I could give to you my love. Just a reason, and my feelings. I miss your warmth your hugs gave me, it was a different type of warmth. A sense of comfort. Love isnt just an mental attachment, love is a feeling you can't mistake for others

Love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also rip your soul apart. Love can be a feeling of pure happieness and joy but only with you Tanner, i don't want us to be a disant memory or just a dream. How much time does it take to get over a true love? Is it possible to hate someone who was once your love, your smile, your reason to be, your everything? Someone you spent every waking moment with. Someone who you had created the absolute best and worst times of your life? I hate that in your point of view, i just broke so many promises and lied to you. I never lied to you, i never talked bad about you. I still stick up for you. Why do you refuse to say my name? Why do you act like nothing ever happend? Yell at me, scream at me, talk to me please, show me because im still in love with you. I'll always love you. And if it's ment to be, we'll find eachother again like the books say. I will search for you. I will fight til you're back in my damn life. It may take months, fuck, even years. But you are my soulmate... it's the smallest things that make me miss you. Your laugh, Your sleepy voice, the way you get my attention when you want something.. I miss being comforted by you, you've taken my sadness away before... it's just a matter of when it will happen again. I miss the teenage us, I miss the careless nights with you, I miss our crazy camping adventures. I miss just cuddling you. I miss the trust we had. We were strong, just going through really rough times. You are my home, You are my human and I know I'm yours too. Just let me in... I'd rather be dead or alone than without you forever. I was so desperate to get over you, I didn't know how to do it, I fucked up. I jumped into a relationship, it was sort of fun at first I guess. But, now its gone to far. I cant get out of this relationship without bloodshed and tears. He lives with me and my family now. My parents love him, are like best friends with him. Theyre closer to him then me and him are. Literally. I havent slept in my own bed in weeks. God, i dont even remember the last time i kissed him or even look at his face. I cry alone at night just wishing he was you. Nobody compares to you. I'm drowning and no one knows. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone without having anyone notice? I hate how I can't even say your name without ridicule. It wasn't all dark times. I loved you before I knew how to love myself which is probably why I'm so torn. I didn't know what real love was until I met you. You taught me to be myself, you showed me what good feelings were. I loved you before drugs, before we altered our brains, I fell in love with the real you, and you brought me to life. You stuck up for me, loved me at my worst, you delt with my moods wings and emotional breakdowns. I'm not saying I just love you for the good times but for all of it. Bad and good. We fucked up and did some pretty horrible things to eachother.. but at the end of the night, we were in eachother's arms whispering "I love you, forevers and evers baby" "you promise?" "I promise baby" ...what we had was real, and it's only a matter of time. I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Please look past everything that happened between us and remember how you felt with me, how you talked to me, how you love..(d?) me. Remember us. Remember our loyalty and trust for one another. Let go of the past and tell me you feel the same way like I know you do. Look past incidents and reflect on us just through emotions. Don't feel with your words or memories. How you feel when youre in my arms is all that matters, does your heart race? Do your ears get hot or do you get crazy goosebumps? Is your body like magnets or your insides like putty? Or is there nothing? I need to know.

#breakup #love #broken #stuck in my head #i miss you #i miss him #take me back #the truth #raw #emotional #private #agony #pain #despair #depession #im sorry #the little things #abandoned #im horrible #i love you #i will always love you