As a smut writer with a vagina, I always struggle a bit to explore the sensations that penis-havers experience during arousal. I know what’s getting hard looks like, but not what it feels like internally.
Combining my research and, echem, other needs, a writing prompt: Steve explaining to a formerly chemically castrated recovering Bucky what getting hard feels like, and how to recognize arousal. What it feels like when he wants him. Reminding Bucky of those feelings and talking him into his first erection in 70 years.
Ah jeeze, I sent that writing request for Steve explaining to Bucky what it feels like to get hard and I just realized how completely invasive and assuming some of that ask was. I really apologize.
You're okay! That's a fair question/request, and this is the place to come with it, lol.
First, though, I do have to say that, coming from my personal experience, the way smut writers without dicks (as far as I'm aware, lol) describe dicks and erections is usually pretty on the money. It's hot [temperature wise]. It's throbbing. It's tight and, well, hard. It's also often annoying when an erection just... happens. Because it happens randomly, too. It's not just a teenage thing, unfortunately, lol. (I mean, it's (usually) not a full erection like it can be in teendom, but it's still a thing as you get older.)
Second, I could've sworn I read a fic where Bucky was castrated surgerically and was struggling with arousal/erections but I can't find it again :/
Okay, onto this prompt:
*trigger warning for off screen, insinuated HYDRA Trash Party/HYDRA typical violence
This would be a fucking challenge for them. Not only because recovery is tough--recovery from anything--but especially recovery from 70 fucking years of brainwashing and torture.
Also, this is challenging because Steve very much is also deprogramming from his own trauma as well as struggling with his Catholic upbringing. That shame runs deep. Steve is very, very good at feeling shame and guilt.
When Bucky presents him with the question of, "what is it like?" As they're discussing the reversal effects, returning libidos, and coming off of the chemical castration drugs, pamphlets spread out messily over the kitchen island counter, Steve is absolutely tongue-tied. He stammers and blushes and squirms in his kitchen bar stool.
Bucky, in contrast, is sitting still. His voice is even. Fine. "Getting an erection," he clarifies without issue, "what does it feel like?" There's a crease between his dark eyebrows. It's the look he gets when he's thinking, specifically, when he's trying to remember something that's fuzzy--just out of reach and slipping from between his fingers more and more by the second.
Steve isn't sure if that tone of voice and the neutrality is Bucky being Bucky--he never had much shame before. Before... all of this. He always was a flirt, a charmer. As soon as he had an experience, when they were old enough, he told Steve things about girls that Steve felt like would cause God to open hell directly underneath them. Earth gaping. Swallowing them whole. He couldn't ever explain why he stuttered out the words to ask again and again and again, though. He knew he didn't care about the gals. He didn't... he doesn't like women that way.
It was about Bucky.
It's always been about Bucky.
Or... if it's maybe something that was burned out of Bucky by them? HYDRA. Steve desperately hopes it's not that. He wants the fact that he's fine discussing such private matters because he's always been that way (maybe with a tiny mix of being too old and seasoned to give a shit).
Right now, Bucky and him are perfect opposites.
Bucky is easily getting the words out, asking for some from Steve in exchange. Meanwhile, Steve can't get say a word, no matter how loud and clear Bucky is.
It's not that Steve doesn't want to have this conversation with Bucky. He wants to give Bucky every tool he needs to help aid him in recovery; he wants to be honest with him; he wants to open himself to Bucky like a book so he can read and glean what he needs from him. It's so fucking difficult, though.
Bucky's doctors warn Steve and Bucky both what coming off of the drugs causing his chemical castration will mean. A surge in sex hormones as his body resumes doing what it should, resulting in a, hopeful, return of his libido and physical sexual functioning along with possible hot flashes, racing heart, and a handful of other assorted side effects. A roll of the dice. They won't totally know until they get there.
Chemical castration isn't permanent, usually. But, usually, people aren't chemically castrated for 70 fucking years. Also, usually, the people in question aren't super soldiers. So, there's things working against Bucky and with him.
Bucky's body should bounce back.
Steve closes his eyes for too long to just be a blink, picturing the scars around Bucky's shoulder. Flesh seared to metal. No choice but to adapt.
Bucky's body should bounce back.
"Good as new," one of the medical students working in tandem with the team of doctors had said. Steve thinks that student could use more bedside manner training.
"Steve?"
"Uh--" Steve clears his throat, "yeah. It's..."
"You don't have to."
Steve nods tightly, "I want to. I just." He swallows noisily, he figures he'll just be as honest as he can, "I don't know how to say it," he runs his fingers through his hair, musing it.
Bucky nods back. After a moment he volunteers, "I remember getting them, I just..."
"You just?" Steve prompts, leaning forward to grab his hand and squeeze.
"I don't remember anything else. I got them. Didn't I?" Bucky looks at his wearily.
"You definitely did," Steve's voice is huskier than he intends. He can't help it. A full-body shiver takes over his muscles. He remembers Bucky's erections almost as much as he remembers his own.
Sharing the same tiny, ratty-sheet-covered bed. Bucky pressed up against his back, his breath hot and humid on his neck, an arm thrown around his waist, with his dick regularly hardening in his sleep and pressing even more insistently against his boney ass.
Wrestling on their shitty, creaking wooden floor. Bucky on top of him, laughing brilliantly. Dark hair falling from its careful, swept-up style. Leaning up to kiss him to distract him, the only way he could win. Kissing and kissing until Bucky would melt, groaning, falling onto him, chest to chest, their erections sliding together. Hard. Hot.
Listening to Bucky stumble in drunk and smiling to himself, stifling the expression in the flat pillow under his head, pretending to sleep until Bucky stumbles into their bed. Then, pretending to wake up slowly and prettily as Bucky pawed at him. Sometimes, Bucky'd be hard already. Sometimes, he would get hard deliciously slowly, the alcohol affecting him, making it a challenge. And sometimes he wouldn't get hard if he had too much.
(Steve secretly loved it when he didn't get hard. Soft and vulnerable and perfect for worshipping. Steve would fall to his knees and rub his face against his soft cock and suck and suck until Bucky came without getting hard at all. It still felt good. Steve should know. It's not like his Johnson worked all the time back then, anyway.)
Steve jostles himself from the memories, trying, only half-successfully, to not feel guilty over the fact that he can remember all that with perfect eidetic detail while Bucky can't.
He re-crosses his legs in the other direction.
"Okay," Steve tries to push his energy from memories to words, "okay. It's, like, it... it almost feels like." God, why does he suck so much at this? "Like, it-it's blood rushing into your dick, right?"
Bucky has the gall to roll his eyes.
Steve wants to call him an asshole. And he would if he weren't too busy untangling his words, trying to spit them out no matter how much shame tugs at him. "So it's swollen. It gets hot, too, because, well, your, your blood is hot. Body temperature. Y'know. Whatever. It's... just... swollen and hot and, uh, stiff?"
"It is a stiffy," Bucky says dryly.
Steve dryly laughs, "jerk," he bites his lower lip, clearly that's not enough to satisfy Bucky's curiosity, "you know, so, okay, you know when you finish in the gym and your muscles are just beginning to get sore? Like. It doesn't hurt. But your muscles are tight and pumped and hard because you just used them?"
"I'm familiar." Steve's pretty sure Bucky's being an asshole on purpose now. Just to give him something else to think about. Fucker.
"It's like that," he finishes the thought, "but. It's your dick, not your usual muscles."
"So... does it get sore? Like your muscles?"
"No." Steve answers automatically, then, "it, uh, throbs. Pulses, kinda. I mean, it, it can hurt. If you have it for a long time."
"Right," there's a minute pause. Steve knows without asking that they're both picturing all the goofy pharma ads that're on TV nowadays. Contact your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours... "You said it's tight?"
"Yeah. Tight and heavy, too. 'Cause, because it fills with blood. It gets engorged. Swollen."
Bucky nods, but it's clear he wants more.
"Yeah," Steve struggles, his face burning. "Kinda, kinda, like..." he pulls a face just thinking about the way he's about to describe an erection. It's visceral. It makes him want to squirm a little bit. But, it's the only thing he can think of. "If you stuck a balloon under your skin and started to inflate it. It gets tight and hot and stiff as it stretches. And the more the, the, uh, balloon inflates, the more sensitive it gets--"
Bucky makes a considering noise.
"--But then. Then, once you've started, it's hard to stop. It gets fuller, stiffer, and more sensitive. When you touch it, because it's sensitive and tight and you need to do something about it, it gets stiffer and then more sensitive because it's stiffer. So you touch more. Until. Yeah. It's, uh, it's a positive feedback loop."
"Oh."
Suddenly, as happens sometimes, Steve's mouth runs away from him. He's embarrassed, and his brain decides that the only way to fix it is to get all the embarrassing words out. "It throbs. Like. With your pulse. If you get. If you get hard enough, it th-throbs with your pulse. And it feels like it comes from your, like, core. Like. Not just your balls. Inside you."
"Hm?" Bucky interjects, eyebrows drawing together.
"Like, when you get, ah, a-aroused. It comes from your stomach almost. And it goes up your back and down your balls, too. It's, it's not tingling but, more, more like when you really have to pee and you can't help but shiver. A much hot, hotter version of that."
"You-" Bucky's eyebrows come together. "You can't pee when you're erect, right?"
"No, no. It--that does hurt. It kinda burns? If you try to pee with a hard, hard--if you try to pee with an erection. It doesn't work like that."
"No," Bucky agrees softly.
"But it doesn't burn otherwise. It, it when you're really hard, feels like, like you might explode. It gets so tight and, I'm trying to think of anything but hard, but it really just feels hard."
Bucky snorts.
Steve's big mouth keeps motoring, of course, "oh, and, uh, it gets wet." Steve is going to explode, not in the fun my-dick-is-hard way, in the vibrating-with-embarrassment way. Oof.
Bucky just looks intrigued. Not embarrassed.
Dammnit.
"I, I, I don't mean," Steve lowers his voice, "cum."
Bucky laughs at his expense.
"I mean... when you're erect. It can leak. It's just pre-cum. It's not. It's nothing to be worried about. Just so you don't--" he bites the inside of his cheek, "I don't want you to worry."
Bucky tips his head from side to side, considering. "What if I--"
"What if you?"
"What if I let you know when it happens? So you know I'm not worried."
Steve flushes the hottest he has yet. He coughs. "Y-yeah, that'd be, that'd be... good."
I hope that's satisfactory for what you had in mind! I didn't really know how to tackle this prompt, lol.
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