#feels that he has to prove he can succeed despite others' lack of faith in him

[oumakokichi]

What's your opinion on Kaito and Maki! I don't know if anyone's ever asked this before (sorry if yes) Ur blog is epic btw!

This question is pretty recent, so I feel like this is a great one to kick off with getting back into writing full meta! I know in the past I’ve answered a few brief questions on how I feel about Momota and Maki respectively, as well as their relationship in-game, but I don’t know if I’ve ever written at length about the two of them.

I also don’t know whether you want my opinions on them both as individual characters or their relationship together, so I’ll probably touch on both aspects! This ask will obviously include spoilers for the whole game, so I’ll talk more under the cut!

Momota and Maki are definitely two of the most important characters in the game. Both their dynamic with each other, as well as their eventual friendship with Saihara, are pivotal plot points that come up again and again. Momota’s good intentions and attempts to help Maki come out of her shell and self-imposed isolation from everyone else are initially met by her with skepticism, distrust, and a feeling that he’s being incredibly overbearing and putting his nose where it doesn’t belong—but in the end, she does find herself pulled in by his unrelenting optimism and offers of friendship.

As Momota helps Saihara begin to overcome his anxiety and self-doubt by pushing him forward and reaffirming that he believes in him, Maki also begins to face some of her own demons. Like Saihara, her issues are rooted in deep-seated trauma from a young age, though hers is considerably more severe as it concerns both physical and mental child abuse, as well as a life filled with violence and murder.

It’s interesting, because both Saihara and Maki struggle with what I would call self-loathing, but go about showing it in completely different ways. They both doubt their own ability to do anything right and feel that they’ll only hurt people in the end, but where Saihara overcompensates for this by trying to please everyone and being afraid of saying no, Maki’s approach is much firmer: she tries to shut everyone out completely, keeping everyone at arm’s bay in order to prevent any attachments from forming in the first place. As someone who lost pretty much everything at such a young age, she’s clearly afraid of the same thing happening all over again, as well as wary of anyone who might try to get close to her, only to attempt to “take her out” in the same fashion that she’s had to kill people her entire life.

Momota’s persistence in striking up a friendship with her is therefore really, really interesting. It’s the first time in Maki’s life that anyone has ever been so adamant about wanting to get to know her. Considering how harsh and unfriendly she initially is, as well as the fact that her talent is revealed to everyone by the end of chapter 2, it would make complete sense if Momota wanted nothing to do with her, in her opinion. She’s used to being alone, and she’s already convinced herself by that point that it’s preferable to the alternative.

But Momota is a character who fundamentally refuses to take no for an answer. This is simultaneously both his best and worst trait, in my opinion: it’s literally right in his catch phrase, whenever he claims that he’s going to reach the stars someday. He runs purely on the idea of faith and belief. There’s no middle ground with him: either you trust someone implicitly, regardless of everything stacked against them, or you don’t. Shades of grey, especially at the beginning of the game, are virtually nil. It’s a very “shounen protagonist” sentiment that winds up being somewhat challenged for him as the game goes on.

He’s interested in Maki, and wants to know why she closes herself off in her research lab. When the finger is pointed at her in chapter 2 and she falls under suspicion of murdering Hoshi, he defends her even at the expense of making himself look worse, and even to the point of claiming that he would “bet everyone else’s lives” that she’s innocent (a line which was completely omitted in the localization and dub, but which you can still hear him say in the jp dialogue of the chapter 2 trial).

There’s absolutely no evidence to back Maki up or support her; Momota’s defense on her behalf stems more from the fact that he hates Ouma’s equally black-or-white “guilty until proven innocent” approach, and resents the attempts at mutual suspicion and paranoia that Ouma tries to force between them. Momota is, in a word, stubborn. He figures things out by “feel” or “intuition” and is extremely slow to change his opinions even when facts and evidence are presented before him.

Again, this can be a good trait: his loyalty means he’s the last person who would ever throw someone else under the bus, and it’s the main reason he succeeds in getting closer to someone as emotionally closed-off as Maki at all. It’s less of a good thing, however, in later chapters like chapter 4, where his stubborn refusal to look at the facts genuinely endangers everyone’s lives in the trial and results in a huge blow-out that threatens his friend group with Saihara especially, but really with the whole training trio.

It’s this stubbornness of his that really baffles Maki. Initially, she doesn’t know what to make of Momota’s attempts to befriend her. She assumes he must be reckless, or stupid, or both, to want to get close to someone as dangerous as she is. But as she gradually begins to let her walls down and starts opening up despite herself, it’s such a nice change to see her eventually starting to believe in herself and view herself more positively as a result of Momota’s own belief in her.

I think momoharu as a ship works really well and has potential specifically because of these themes of “self-love” and “believing in yourself” that come up in the main game’s narrative again and again. And unlike the dynamics between Momota and other characters, such as Saihara, I feel like Momota and Maki are on much more of an even footing, where the two of them can view each other as equals and aren’t afraid to challenge each other whenever one of them is in the wrong about something.

For example, Saihara and Momota have much more of an imbalanced, sometimes one-sided friendship. That’s not to say that they aren’t both extremely important friends to one another—but between Saihara’s inability to say no to people and Momota’s tendency to take charge and view himself as “the hero” while everyone else is his “sidekick,” their relationship becomes incredibly uneven very quickly.

Add to this Momota’s unspoken jealousy of Saihara’s talent and his pivotal importance to the rest of the group in trials, and it gets even messier. I’m reminded of the chapter 4 trial, when Saihara really goes against Momota’s opinion on something for the first time by proving that Gonta is the culprit, and Momota is livid. Even when all the proof is laid out before him, and even when he knows, logically, he feels so betrayed by Saihara’s lack of “belief” in him that his underlying jealousy bubbles up and he lashes out. The localization considerably dulled the impact of this, but in the original Japanese dialogue, Momota even stops referring to Saihara by his first name for a long time, referring to him much more coldly by his surname from the end of chapter 4 until the latter half of chapter 5.

Momota and Saihara never feel as though they’ve really escaped that “hero and sidekick” dynamic until the very end of chapter 5 when they say their farewells, and even then there’s a real hesitance with Saihara to call Momota out when he’s wrong or ask for an apology even when Momota owes him one. If the game had explored more of Momota’s jealousy and feelings of inadequacy compared to Saihara, I would have really loved that, and I feel like there would be real potential to explore how they could eventually be on even footing… but as it stands, in canon we don’t really get that, and most of Momota’s shortcomings and flaws are somewhat brushed aside after his death in favor of Saihara remembering him more fondly.

This isn’t to say that Momota doesn’t have any flaws when it comes to how he interacts with Maki, of course. His character has a lot of “toxic masculinity” baggage, including unironically believing really outdated things like “women shouldn’t be fighting, they should be raising children,” or thinking that women are inherently weaker physically and more fragile emotionally than men. Luckily though, Maki often consistently proves him wrong on all of these points: her ability to wipe the floor with him during their training sessions is of course part of it, but it’s worth noting that she’s also considerably more level-headed than Momota is in many ways.

Where Momota is superstitious and afraid of the occult to a comedic degree, Maki remains the rational, down-to-earth one who doesn’t believe in such things. Where Momota is prone to letting his pride and temper get the better of him and refuses to speak to Saihara or apologize for the things he said during their fight in chapter 4, Maki is the one who attempts to push them into interacting with each other again, and believes that Momota is being much too childish about the whole ordeal. Again and again, Maki proves Momota’s outdated and harmful stereotypes about women wrong, and isn’t afraid to poke fun at him or get exasperated with his bullshit whenever he’s being kind of a dick.

Her relationship with Momota works specifically because of how much it feels like the two of them are on a more even footing. Where Saihara somewhat meekly accepts the “sidekick” role, even when he thinks it’s unfair, Maki doesn’t really accept it or go along with it in the first place, beyond showing up for training sessions. And when she gradually begins to develop romantic feelings for him, it feels authentic—particularly because it ties back into the idea of Maki learning to believe in herself the same way that Momota has believed in her from the start.

Deep down, Maki is someone who fundamentally believes herself not only undeserving of, but borderline incapable of love. She feels as though any human emotions she might have once had were stomped out of her from a young age and that absolutely nothing remains, to the point where she says “even Kiibo is more human than she is.” This self-loathing and dehumanization are the main reasons she keeps people at arm’s length: she simply thinks she doesn’t deserve any kindness, and that even if it’s given to her, she doesn’t know how to reciprocate in turn.

Her entire character arc is about unlearning this, and gradually coming to accept that she does have the capacity to love, including love for herself and for others. I’ve seen some people who believe Tsumugi when she claims in the chapter 6 trial that she “gave Maki those feelings for Momota” for the sake of the show, but I feel that believing that at face value really doesn’t do justice to Maki’s autonomy as a character.

Even if Tsumugi somehow did insert those feelings there (which I highly doubt, especially considering how she blatantly lies about giving Momota his illness too despite pretty obviously not knowing he was sick prior to chapter 5), the whole point of Maki’s confession to Momota in chapter 5 and reaffirmation of those feelings in chapter 6 is that she eventually comes to believe that they’re her feelings, and no one else’s. As someone who was denied any free will or choice for her entire life, her coming to view Momota as someone precious to her, as well as herself as an individual capable of making decisions and loving other people, is an incredibly powerful arc of character growth. I honestly really love to see it.

And it’s clear that Maki coming to love and value herself as an individual is exactly what Momota wanted to see from her. We don’t really know if he reciprocated her romantic feelings or not since he dies without really giving her an answer. I personally think he spared her an answer because even if he had said he reciprocated, it only would’ve hurt her worse to see him die immediately afterward.

But what he does make really clear is that he fully believes that because she could come to love him, she could also eventually come to love herself. Whether it’s romantic or not, he clearly cherishes her a lot as a person and wants her to be happy. He wants her to live on as herself, and not any of the roles she’s had to take thus far in order to survive. She eventually does do this, and I think he would’ve been absolutely thrilled to see it happen.

All in all, I feel like momoharu has a lot of potential for character growth (both for Maki and Momota), as well as for cute moments, comic relief, and all around as a feel-good ship. Momota definitely has some issues to work out with misogyny and toxic masculinity, and while it’s certainly not Maki’s job to hold his hand and walk him through those things, she’s the type of person who doesn’t mind putting her foot down and telling him no when she feels like he’s crossed a line, which is exactly the type of dynamic I like to see in relationships.

Anyway, I’ll wind this up here. This was a really fun question to go into, thank you again anon! I had a lot of fun getting back into the swing of writing meta, and I’m glad I got a chance to write a little more about my thoughts on momoharu, and Momota and Maki as characters.

#ndrv3 #maki harukawa #kaito momota #momoharu #danganronpa #ask #anonymous #my meta #ndrv3 spoilers // #okay to reblog #tumblr almost ate this ask as soon as i tried to draft it #luckily i had my response still written up in word so i could repaste it but phew #tumblr being as functional as ever i see

[swgoji2001]

My Thoughts on Jedi Fallen Order

So after upgrading to a new, stronger laptop (pretty sure my stupidity in attempting to run this game on my old laptop hastened its tragic, untimely demise), I finally finished Jedi Fallen Order last night. I had mixed feelings going into this game, as I have some friends who said it was amazing while others said it was a mediocre story with decent gameplay.

Now after playing, was it the greatest Star Wars game I’ve ever experienced? No, but it was very good. Some minor gripes here and there, but overall I had a blast playing the game.

Warning: Some spoilers will be included, I’ll try to keep them as minor as possible though.

Story:

So I’m not gonna go overly deep into the story as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who still hasn’t played the game, but to be honest I found the plot of Fallen Order to be a bit generic at first. It’s a classic light side vs dark side narrative with a redemption arc or two sprinkled in. In fact, I found the plot of Fallen Order to be quite similar in structure to the Disney Trilogy. Both have MacGuffin hunts (holocron and wayfinder), both include journeys to different planets following the trail of someone else (Eno Cordova and that one assassin dude mentioned in IX), both have mentors who have distanced themselves from the Force (Cere and Luke), and both have antagonists who were failed by their masters (Trilla and Kylo). 

Fallen Order splits off from this more generic route after returning to Dathomir and does it’s own thing, but I found myself asking why I enjoyed the first 75% or so of Fallen Order when I absolutely hated the DT. I found the answer to lie mainly in two things: the characters and the world they found themselves in.

Characters:

Cal Kestis: I absolutely loved Cal’s character arc. He has his own deep personal struggles with his past, feeling responsible for the death of his master. He faces those fears and comes to terms with his past, determined to make a better future. Cal not only comes out of his journey a Jedi Knight, but as a stronger person. Compare this to Rey, who had no meaningful flaws or personal struggles. Plus Cal’s the first ginger Jedi! Score one for diversity!

BD-1: My fourth favorite Star Wars droid, only behind HK-47, KOTOR 2′s T3-M4, and K-2SO. He’s cute, adorable, and loyal to a fault. What more could you ask for in a droid? (Other than a tibanna-powered blaster rifle and a bloodthirsty, anti-meatbag personality of course!) Plus there’s a revelation about his history towards the end that only makes him better and better.

Cere Junda: Star Wars has always had its mentor characters, but in all honesty I found Cere to be pretty generic. A Jedi Master who failed her Padawan and touched the dark side, only to be horrified by it and renounce the Force. Throughout learning her story, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had already seen something like this before. Her arc isn’t bad, it’s well done and feels natural to her character, it was just rather generic.

Greez Dritus: Gotta say Greez grew on me as the game went on. He has his flaw in his gambling problem which bites Cal in the ass a couple times, but towards the end I really felt the connection between him and the others grow. He’s also the source of a good deal of humor.

Nightsister Merrin: Sadly, Merrin being an eventual ally was spoiled for me, but I love the subversion because it was built up that she would be an eventual boss fight. Merrin might be my favorite character besides Cal, I wish there were more interactions with her in game! She’s hot, has a great accent, a wicked sense of humor, and is powerful with Nightsister magick. But beyond all that, she’s a parallel to Cal. Both are survivors, the last of their kind, and I’m hoping that if a sequel is made, it goes deeper into their relationship because Merrin and Cal have great chemistry. I also love how Merrin challenges Cal and Cere’s plan to train the next gen of Jedi using the holocron, putting that idea in a more realistic, less idealistic light.

Prauf: I really feel bad for him. I liked him and you could feel the camaraderie between him and Cal, how he wanted Cal to succeed and do great things. He didn’t deserve what happened to him.

Oggdo Bogdo: Fuck this frog! He killed me so many times!

Trilla Suduri (Second Sister): The Jedi Padawan that felt betrayed by her master and became an inquisitor. I always love it when antagonists have a personal connection to the protagonists in some way, shape, or form. Trilla shakes Cal’s faith in Cere, and plants seeds of doubt in him. She wants revenge and the Emperor’s favor, and therefore we know why she chases Cal across the galaxy. She has motivations for all her actions, which is something that Kylo lacked in the DT.

Taron Malicos: I knew something was off about this guy the second I met him. I quite enjoyed the clash of beliefs between him, Merrin, and Cal. Malicos proposes a way forward, a new Jedi Order, but one founded on darker teachings. He offers Cal that power, but Cal proves his stature as a Jedi in refusing it.

Ninth Sister (Masana Tide): Probably the weakest of the villain characters for me. Ninth barely has any presence in the game at all other than the start and to serve as a boss battle on Kashyyyk. I honestly just don’t think she fits into the story as is. Perhaps if they tweaked it so that Ninth and Cal knew each other back before Order 66 she would have fit better. Ninth just doesn’t have any personal connection to Cal and the Mantis crew (like Trilla does) and doesn’t really serve as a trial like Malicos does. Remove her from the story and not much changes.

(If you somehow haven’t had this next one spoiled yet, I’m impressed. Please skip to ‘World’ if so)

Darth Vader: I absolutely loved how he was portrayed. A terrifying, unstoppable force. You won’t last in a fight with him, your can only hope you can outrun him.

World:

Fallen Order’s worldbuilding was on point. Cal’s ability to sense Force Echoes lets you get a more detailed understanding of the environment around you. It’s a small-scale Star Wars story, but the planets all feel lived in if you take the time to explore them. It’s the small details like the probe droid witnessing your initial use of the Force on Bracca or the side-stories you can discover like the tragic tale of the family running from the Empire on Zeffo or Malicos’ corruption and manipulation of Merrin that really flesh out the world. Compare this to the galactic-scale story the DT told, which somehow made the galaxy feel extremely small and uninteresting.

My only complaint with the world-building is the Zeffo. They’re just... there. Very little is explained about them. Who were they? Why were they important? What happened to them? Why did they disappear? Perhaps this was to leave room for a sequel but to me the Zeffo just felt like discount Rakata. I wish the devs had gone with the Rakata instead, but maybe that’s just me.

Also the wildlife on every world is more than capable of killing you if you aren’t careful so you almost always have to be on your toes for them, which rolls us into the next part...

Gameplay:

The gameplay was great fun in Fallen Order. Leveling up and unlocking new abilities was exciting and once I got the hang of them all, it was so much fun just cutting through your enemies. I played on Jedi Master difficulty (died approximately 75 times, give or take a few I may have missed) and it felt really well balanced. It forced me to study my opponent’s moves and adapt to them instead of being a hack-and-slash type of game. Combos are fluid and fun to pull off, parrying opponents leaves an opening to attack, and you can experiment with different fighting styles.

Customizing your lightsaber and appearance was also great fun. So many different options and combinations for everything! Plus you got rewarded for exploration with these extra customization options, so it adds incentive to do that if you care about appearances and whatnot. You can become the General Grievous of ponchos!

Overall Rating: 8.5/10

Overall Fallen Order was a great game that could have been even better. Of course I have to admit I’m looking at this through the nostalgia of games like KOTOR 2, which flipped Star Wars completely on its head. I would have preferred if Cere’s story had been a bit more nuanced, the Ninth Sister had more reason for being in the story, or if the game had Cal seriously question the use and role of Jedi in the galaxy (he does a couple times to BD-1, but it’s never really built on).

And then there’s my overall gripe about this type of story set after Order 66. It sets up questions like... where was Cal during the OT? Was he dead? Somewhere in the Unknown Regions doing something else? I know the ending of the game sets up the opening for Cal’s story to continue, but still, these types of stories usually end in death for the Jedi protagonist, so I am a bit nervous for his future.

Despite that though, I am super happy I finally decided to play this and am eagerly awaiting a sequel to continue this story.

#jedi fallen order

[wolfsskull-moved]

..

#buckle up i'm going to tell you more about this family #the oldest is caelan‚ then callinan & calandria‚ carisa‚ and the youngest is ciara #(those are all pronounced with a hard c) #caelan is very serious & business-minded; he's driven to make his father proud & is very similar to him; he's a strong & fair leader #secretly harbors a lot of insecurity & worries he won't live up to his father's legacy/expectations #he's very traditional & struggles with change #callinan is just as ambitious which is the root of their hostility towards each other #since callinan is so rebellious & prioritizes freedom & flexibility #he's brilliant but gets impatient when people can't just take him on faith that he knows what he's doing #feels that he has to prove he can succeed despite others' lack of faith in him #calandria is more like callinan in that she thinks challenging rules/traditions is incredibly important #but she doesn't share her brothers' desire to be in charge of things; she'd rather be left alone with the freedom to learn & study #& she tries to avoid conflict & emotionally-charged situations so she's not as actively openly rebellious as callinan #carisa just wants everyone to get along #she's really diplomatic but prioritizes peace over justice #ciara (pronounced kee-ra) is curious & adventurous #caelan is really protective of her to the point of being controlling #she knows he has good intentions but struggles to make him understand that she's capable of making her own decisions/living her own life #their dad sucks btw; he's like...denethor level of shittiness at least #caelan has a lot of traits in common with him but is a much better person overall #callinan #wolfscharacters

[iereiaio]

𝕸𝖆𝖐𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕮𝖍𝖔𝖎𝖈𝖊

There is no shadow work prompt today, however I will be giving some updates, and then some insight on a reading I had received and then one I just did for myself. They have similar messages but I feel mine is more in depth. I will be separating the topics into sections so you can skip around to what you’d like! 

Updates regarding the Account

I will be trying to post more starting today. I feel as though Haides hasn’t been very happy with me considering my inability to devote ANY time to him, aside from talking to him at night before bed, and sleeping with his altar bag. I feel he’s in the forefront of my mind on most days, but I’ve been lacking the motivation and energy to do anything about it. I am a Priestess. He chose me out of nearly 8 BILLION people in this world. He’s been with me since I was born into this life, as well as all of my previous lives. He has been with me for hundreds, if not thousands of years. I had gotten this confirmed by several readers, and several of my own readings, and I had always had a very strong pull towards him, as well as luck with a lot of things. He’s believed in me for so long, and I can feel his patience in me wearing thin, and it’s a very lonely feeling. He hasn’t pulled back from me, however I just feel like he doesn’t have as much faith in me as he once did. So I will be trying to do shadow work at the very least once a week, but I aim to do 3-6 days a week. So expect more posts with shadow work. I was healing when I was journaling and pulling cards every day. I have been very stagnant lately and I know it’s because I’ve been neglecting my journey of healing, but also my deities and other passions in my life. I know Haides understands, but I also know he wants me to do better and try harder. Even a little bit of effort, I’m sure he will appreciate 

The reading I had received 

I got a reading from a friend today, I pulled it regarding new deities potentially knocking on my spiritual door (I feel as though Lucifer and Lilith are wanting to work with me, but somebody I don’t know said that Lilith told her it was an imposter entity, so I am needing to do some research before confirming or denying that. This reading was supposed to do that, but instead it came for my throat. Anyway, on with the cards:

6 of swords

5 of swords

10 of swords

9 of swords

4 of pentacles

7 of wands

the Hermit

queen of swords  

So into the interpretation, they said I have very little energy (as represented by the 6 of swords), and that Im trying to heal but it’s just really difficult. Any new deities coming into my circle will provide me more energy, but it will “hurt” me a little bit- (represented by the 10 of swords, I am personally believing it may be once I start putting more energy into Haides, I will be getting this newfound energy) And by hurting me, it will be learning lessons. As lessons are often hard to learn. I am represented again in the 9 of swords, being in pain consistently (mentally) but with the 4 of pentacles, Hades will help me step into my personal power, and break free from restrictions i feel financially- but also emotionally. Im being given the opportunity to go forth after the things in life that im passionate about, and i know what im passionate about but i fear both success and failure. The Hermit, which was a funny draw, because Haides uses that card to represent himself in my decks- but I feel alone a lot ofthe time (not a lie anyway lmao), and with the Queen, im being called to action to either step up or get out of the battle. Im being called to be more assertive and call to Haides for the strebgth Im currently lacking. “Embody him so to speak”. They suggested EVOKING Haides, and even INvoking him next. They also said my protections might be weak (hope I don’t regret saying that online)

Now onto my own reading

So, for mine, I did it pretty soon after theirs, since they gave me a bit of clarity on what to look for. As well as insight that Haides wasn’t too happy with me and my depressed shenanigans. While YES hes understanding, and more understanding and patient than many other deities would be, he is still growing impatient with me, considering how little effort im putting into ANYTHING. So with the insight, i decided to do my own pull based ont he reading I had gotten from my friend. The cards I pulled were:

(the first reading was very short and to the point)

Page of Swords 

The Hermit (only to find Haides in the deck)

King of Cups

And in the second reading, which was much longer, I pulled:

Two of Wands

Eight of cups (R)

Four of coins (R)

Seven of cups (R)

Three of coins 

The High Priestess (R)

The Magician (R)

The Fool

Page of Cups

The World

The Artist (unique major arcana card to this deck)

The way that I personally interpret the first reading, is that Haides misses my energy, and would like to help me gain it back, however I need to devote at least some of my energy to him and show him my loyalty to him in order to get that in return. I cannot expect help with healing without giving him anything in return. I need to do better if I want his help. He will be there for me, but he wants me to do better. He wants the best for me. 

As for the second reading, I have some decisions i need to make, i assume about my current artistic path, i will have some career opportunities but i need to work now to get them. My depression and hopelessness is represented by the 8 of cups, ive been in a real bad rut these last couple weeks, moreso in the last few days as some bad, traumatic memories have started to resurface. Haides is reminding me with the 4 of coins to start being more responsible, not only with my money, but with my time. I’ve spent so many days moping in bed, sad, sleeping all day; he wants to help me but he wants me to prove to him that I am devoted to him and my healing journey. He wants me to try, even on hard days. He wants to give me clarity and strength to move forward, but again, wants me to  prove my loyalty to this journey. If i put forth the effort, i will grow and blossom in the ways I need to. I will succeed with him by my side. However I need to be more open with myself, and not allow ignorance to take me off my path. I need to remember that the things that have happened to me, have already happened. And while it’s okay to process and be sad about them, and traumatised (as its as if im living these things for the first time), but I cannot let them ruin my entire day, or multiple days. I cannot let my life waste away because of something bad happening. I need to stop letting insecurities rule my life as well. I’ve noticed when I get insecure about something, I shut down and don’t even complete, or start the project. I need to understand that everything isn’t going to be perfect. Though despite the learning I need to do, I also need to cater to my inner child. I need to hold onto that innocents and free spirit. i need to focus on new beginnings and getting these new things rolling instead of just staring at them hopelessly, letting them intimidate me. I need to dive back into spirituality and again, tend to my inner child. If I can do that, I will be successful and happy; I can be brought to the right path, but I need to get back on the right path. Things are rocky, and it’s gonna be a little weird going backwards so I can get back on the right path, but sometimes it’s necessary. I also believe I will have a lot of success with art. I just need to put my mind to  it and put energy into it. I wont get recognition and success by never drawing or posting. I wont succeed if I don’t put in the work. 

#tarot reading #tarot #hades #haides #hades god #greek god hades #greek god #greek gods #hades priestess #priestess #haides priestess #priestess of hades #growth #healing #journaling

[sonofsallyjackson]

Heroes of Olympus should have been in first-person.

@jo-march-is-a-lesbian​ wrote a really wonderful post about how “Percy Jackson and the Olympians is better than Heroes of Olympus…because it understood simplicity and character development.”  It highlights some reasons I also found HoO less rewarding namely that it was an overcomplicated story with limited character growth, lacked a common thesis, and was super jarring when it switched perspectives.  

And with that my little brain went: I can fix this.  Which frankly is ridiculous.  I can’t come up with a compelling thesis like “The idea that we should place our hope in our loved ones, our friends and our family, and if we do that, we won’t be tempted to give up hope again.”   But I can imagine a simple change that would have solved some of the issues and also played to Rick’s strengths as a writer:  Each book should have been written in first person and narrated by a different character.

With so many people on the quest, I often felt like I was watching a bunch of one-dimensional characters fight for their right to be the main character.  I didn’t know who to focus on but I was also dissatisfied.  There were all these new wonderful characters in front of me who I wanted to love, but I didn’t feel like I actually knew them.  I mean I don’t feel like I know the Stoll Brothers either, but I’m not concerned about that fact because they are side characters.  When everyone is painted as the main character,  I have certain expectations for growth, personality, and voice.  The story would have been better served if the characters took turns narrating the action, allowing us to settle into their perspective, see their growth, and better understand their personality.

Plus Rick kills first-person.  While I’m not particularly a fan of Trials of Apollo, it’s not because I don’t know the characters.  Apollo is so very different than Percy. Their voices, even though they can both be jokesters at times, reflect their different life-experiences, thought processes and provide massive insight into their characters.   If the Seven (and Nico and Reyna) got the same treatment, I would be absolutely giddy.  

I recognize that rewriting the HoO series in first-person is something a talented fanfiction writer with a lot of time on their hands could actually do.  But I am not talented like that and I certainly don’t have the discipline to actually write that much fic, especially if I was trying to keep the events vaguely the same just with different narration and pacing.  So instead I’ve included who I think should have narrated each book below the cut.  I’d love to hear any opinions people have regarding this idea, especially who they would have wanted to see to narrate each book.

In addition to picking the narrator, I’ve highlighted what should be the “quest” so to speak of each story.  Personally, MoA, HoH and BoO are kind of a blur to me despite reading them all recently.  It’s hard to distinguish what happens in each book because it’s all one massive quest with a whole bunch of mini-quests.    While the different narrators would obviously make the books more distinctive, splitting the series into seven books would also help simplify each book’s individual goal.  Eight books would have allowed for better integration of the plot to find the physician’s cure, but with the prophecy of seven, it seemed like seven books was the best option, if I was going to be doing something as blasphemous as splitting books.   

As a note, I ran out of steam as I went so not all opinions are fully fleshed out. 

Book 1:  The Lost Hero The Quest: Rescue Hera/Juno Narrator:  Jason 

Why this would be cool: 

He is literally Juno’s chosen sent on a quest to rescue her.  It’s poetic enough to give him the book.

Jason’s journey is just as much about rediscovering himself as it is about saving Juno.   Of the new characters, I feel like I understand Jason the least. Mainly because I felt like I was missing the entire first half of his story.  Jason, like Percy and Annabeth, is a hero of the Titan War. I know some of his accomplishments, but I don’t have any bearing on what his life was like or how he felt about it.   He doesn’t seem like the type to relish Praetor-ship since he doesn’t have the same intense need to get back to his camp as Percy.  Was he just hoisted on his comrades’ shields after killing the Titan without any real choice in the matter? Give me Jason’s memories coming back slowly over the course of the quest (with potentially a fractured memory of a mistake he made in the Roman’s final Titan battle that makes him doubt their ability to both rescue Piper’s dad and save Hero but he makes the decision to anyway because he can’t just hurt his friend like that.   Let me understand how Jason is the person he is today.  Give me glances of the Roman Camp with emphasis on the heavy expectations that have always followed him as the son of Jupiter and foreshadow why he eventually chooses to design all the shrines for the minor gods so he can have his own place in the world as a figure between the two camps.

Let’s dive into those feelings of anger/guilt/resentment when people at camp are disappointed with him for not being Percy or in Chiron’s case are nervous about what his presence means. 

I want to dig deeper regarding Jason’s feelings about reconnecting with Thalia.  He knows that if the gods hadn’t been determined to keep the two camps completely separate, he could have grown up with his sister. 

What does telling the narrative like this sacrifice:  

We miss some of the internal turmoil regarding the fact that Piper’s Dad has been captured and she must betray her friends. 

We also don’t feel the tensions of Piper’s relationship with Aphrodite. I don’t see Piper bringing up the conversation with her mom saying that her mist memories were so strong because she automatically sensed the potential of a romantic relationship with Jason.  

We don’t have any of Leo’s conflicted feelings regarding rescuing Hera or his fear of being made an outcast for his fire abilities.  Jason has to go with Leo to discover Bunker 9 and Festus.  

Leo doesn’t actively save the day with the Cyclops. 

We don’t know how Piper feels about her charm-speak or see her defeat Madea (as the boys are in their weird trance thing). 

Knowledge about Gaea’s involvement in wrecking Leo’s life will come later.  

Book 2: The Son of Neptune The Quest: Free Thantos Narrator:  Hazel

Why this would be cool: 

The stakes are so incredibly high. Hazel is literally risking her second chance at life by agreeing to go on this chance.  She’s going to the place she died to fight the monster she created. She also has to deal with the trauma of knowing she may have bought the world time with her first sacrifice but it now means nothing if she can’t succeed again.  

We get to see Camp Jupiter from the view of someone who loves it but doesn’t really fit in.  Hazel joined Camp Jupiter just after the final battle.  She enters a community that has learned to fight as a well-oiled machine but that has lost people.  Dakota or the others may remark to her about how things were before or the people who are missing.  Hazel sees a community that she’s not quite a part of both because she didn’t fight in the war and because she’s in the fifth cohort with a feared godly parent.

It would explore her relationship with Nico more (because I love their dynamic and I want more).   She knows she can’t replace his real sister, but she feels comfortable and happy at the opportunity to have a brother, especially one who is out of time like she is.   

What does telling the narrative like this sacrifice:  

Frankly, the largest pushback would be from the fans who expected this to be Percy’s book since we just watched Jason rediscover who he is.

Percy’s phone call to his mom doesn’t have the same intensity.  

Frank’s relationship with Mars and how desperate he was to be claimed but now he doesn’t think he can live up to his father’s expectations.  

Frank and his grandmother.  We aren’t in Frank’s head as he changes shape till later.  

Book 3: Mark of Athena The Quest: Close the Divide Between The Two Camps by finding Athena’s statue and Rescue Nico Narrator(s):  Annabeth and Leo

Why Annabeth: 

So I can have all the emotions at the reunion with Percy.  

Annabeth’s relationship with her Mom has never been great, but imagine beginning the book with Annabeth being given the Mark of Athena. They haven’t left for New Rome yet and her nerves are already all over the place.  Then Athena/Minerva comes, gives her an impossible quest, and breaks her hat.   Annabeth wants to prove to her mother that she’s worthy because despite everything she still values her mother’s opinions.  Also her fatal flaw of hubris makes her believe she will succeed where everyone else failed.

Much of the book already follows her in third person limited so we just get things with a little extra emotion.  

Why Leo:  

Leo has to grapple with the fact he started this war by being the one to fire the cannon even if he didn’t have any control.  He is motivated to fix it

If we’re going to include the Sammy plot, we need to do it now.   Leo doesn’t like being the odd one out on the ship but he certainly doesn’t like the feeling of being notable because of his grandfather.  

We still need to get into those feelings of abandonment and anger at Gaea for killing his mom.  

Nemesis 

Leo comes into his own with the discovery of the Archimedes sphere and the decision to value people over objects.  

What does telling the narrative like this sacrifice:

The aquarium shenanigans 

The fight between Jason and Percy in Kansas needs to happen differently so that the others are present and try to stop it.  

Neither of them went ashore to meet Hercules.  

I think we might need to move up the Calypso meeting to this book, but that also kills some of the suspense since Frank will have the fireproof coating prior to his adventures in Venice when he gains faith in his abilities.  It also might mean Leo opens the fortune cookie from Nemesis unless for some odd reason he doesn’t have it.  There’s a lot more narrative weight for it coming later, but in order to get in as many book events as we can in, it might need to come earlier. 

Book 4:  House of Hades Pt. 1

The Quest: Survive Tartarus Narrator(s): Annabeth and Percy

The first time I read House of Hades, I read it out of order (reading all the Percy and Annabeth chapters until they were on the elevator out of Tartarus before going back and reading the others), because I couldn’t handle the back and forth.  I felt like the tension would build, I’d be invested in this plot and then we’d switch to the other plot. Plus I was very concerned for my children.  So I feel fully justified in saying that there is more than enough material to give the two of them their own book.

I just feel like all the feelings would be magnified.  

Percy’s commentary slowly losing its humor because he can’t anymore.

Annabeth’s guilt at having pulled him in being extra loud.  

Downsides beyond adding an entire book: Just imagine all the outrage at two cliffhangers in a row, because you know the book would end with them in the elevator remembering Bob’s words about the stars.   

Book 5:  House of Hades Pt. 2

The Quest:  Close the Doors of Death Narrator(s): Frank and Hazel

Frank and Hazel experience the most growth on the quest to close the doors so this book is all theirs.  Hazel learns to control the mist.  Frank experiments with his transformations.  I want nothing but them growing into themselves and their abilities.  

The good thing about turning the two warring storylines from House of Hades into separate books is that we lose very little plot.  

Book 6:  House of Hades Pt. 3/Blood of Olympus Pt 1 (Personally I would call this one Ambassador of Pluto)

The Quest:  Unite the Gods’ Personalities. Narrator: Nico

To clarify what I mean by HoH 3, I just mean anything done with the intention of trying to cross paths with Reyna, including the adventure with Cupid, in addition to the existing Nico&Reyna plotline in BoO.  

Nico dealing with all the emotions and his most recent near-death experience.

He kept the secret of the camps so the world wouldn’t end in chaos, but now that the world is in chaos he will be the one to fix it.  

In the short time he’s on the Argo 2, Nico realizes that even though this wasn’t his quest; this is his family and he needs to protect them.  

The reader has a pretty good idea Nico is gay, even if the word isn’t explicitly said from the descriptions (his guilty Percy thoughts - he let down the man he loves even if he won’t admit it.) This means that Cupid’s forceful outing is potentially less surprising so the reader can be properly outraged at Cupid.  

Downside: Reyna definitely has adventures when Nico is passed out, especially the whole waking up with the Hunters, but I think it’s excusable for a whole book from Nico’s perspective.  

Also, the battle between the camps and gifting of the statue needs to happen in this book, but we shouldn’t find out if the gods have regained control of their forms yet.  We alleviate some tensions because Camp Half-blood is likely to be overrun with Octavian’s monsters instead of the Roman armies and Gaea could awaken any second, but there’s an odd moment of calm and an uneasy truce.  (Octavian is potentially taken under custody to be held for trial only to escape in the next book.) 

Book 7:  Blood of Olympus Pt 2 (and the aftermath)

The Quest:  Like The Last Olympian, the final book’s focus is entirely on defeating the series’ big bad, in this case, Gaea.  Leo’s quest for the Physician’s cure parallels Percy’s River Styx visit.  

Narrator(s):  Leo and Piper

Leo has his death hanging over his head.  He has decided that he will be the one to die not any of his friends.  He got the cloth from Calypso so the “fire” portion of the prophecy applies to him and not Frank.  (Yes I know you can’t control prophecies, but do you think that’s going to stop Leo.)  

It’s the ultimate revenge for killing his mom.  We can have memories of both the happy times with Esperanza and the fear he felt for thinking he caused the fire. 

Piper’s perspective is necessary as we need to be with her during the fight with the giants.   

This series began with Piper, Leo, and Jason.  It ends that way too with the three of them killing Gaea and the two of them narrating.  

Downsides: 

The Percabeth I love you-the feud is over scene remains in Piper’s perspective.  

Since we’re not following Reyna’s delivery of the statue concurrently we don’t know when to anticipate the healed gods appearing in the battle with the giants.  

The book can still get away with not showing us Percy’s reunion with Sally or forcing Leo to tell the others he’s alive so they’re all grieving. 

#pjo meta #pjo fandom #pjo/hoo #hoo #riordanverse #heroes of olympus #my meta #percy jackon and the olympians #the seven #jason grace #hazel levesque #leo valdez #piper mclean #percy jackson #annabeth chase #frank zhang #the fandom once again improving hoo

[mbti-notes]

So I was talking with a friend about a deep experience I had with forgiving others and self-forgivdness. I am an ENFP and I said I didn't felt good with myself anymore for doing bad to people (I have been hurt/ hurting, ex: craving for revange) and I explained: if I myself know how painful being hurt can be, why would I want to do smthg like that to another human being, but the reply was philosophical, ethical, moral? Humans like evil and even rejoice in the suffering of others. (part 1)

[con’t: We are no good, we are imperfect, we seek hurting, we even feel good about it. the empathy you describe is beautiful but utopian if we think about human experience in society.” Then I said I wasn’t thinking in a philosophical way but in a personal one and that despite the lack of objectivity, factuality and “philosophy” in my view, I was certain of the importance of my empathic perspective for my personal and everyday life. But the question is: do you think my thoughts are conforming with Fi dev? Or I’m sounding like a “light chasers” (…) “they wanted the “light” of knowledge to overcome the “darkness” of suffering.” And also do you have any philosophy book that deals with the issue of morals and ethics to recommend me, please? I would not like to be always too naive and with idealistic thoughts/ speeches, friends often call my attention in this sense. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this!]

Yes, it might be related to Fi development, but more universally, it is consistent with human moral development to learn how to take full personal responsibility for: 1) the kind of person you want to be in terms of what character virtues you choose to nurture in yourself, and 2) the moral consequences of your decision making in terms of whether you’re causing harm to yourself and others.

Anybody who’s really devoted themselves to studying human psychology and/or moral philosophy will tell you that the human mind is extremely complex and that there’s a lot more to moral reasoning than reductive blanket statements. Humans are not just one thing, and if someone tries to convince you that they are, they’re usually pushing a hidden agenda and/or trying to bamboozle you. 

Examples of weird motives? Someone who tries to discourage others from betterment usually has a deep vested interest in preserving the status quo for themselves. Someone who feels threatened by positivity is usually a failed idealist and projects their fear of hope onto you (in a misguided attempt to save you from the disappointment that they’ve suffered). Someone who tries to convince you to take the easy way out might actually be seeking validation of their own bad choices. 

Any time someone tries to convince you of something, especially when it goes against your best instincts, you should question their motives. By pushing on your moral beliefs, they might be doing you a favor by forcing you to reflect on the quality of your moral reasoning (this seems to be the open-minded attitude behind your question), but they might also be doing you a disservice by making you constantly doubt your own moral instincts… and to what end? It’s fine to want to defend yourself better when your values are under attack, but not every fight is worth fighting. Healthy Fi grants a strong sense of moral responsibility. It’s not there to make you feel “unshakeable”, rather, it’s there to give you good judgment about when harm is being done so that you feel compelled to stop it.

Research strongly suggests that infants already possess a rudimentary sense of fairness and get upset over injustice. Some scholars speculate that human morality evolved to help us succeed through cooperation, and our sense of morality became increasingly complex as we established larger and larger groups. The more people you have in a group, the more difficult it is to keep them together, so rules have to be drawn up and people have to commit to following them. You don’t need to become a moral philosophy professor to understand morality. It’s built into your judgment process, and I argue that developing your F function is exactly how you get in touch with the natural moral instincts that compel you to address unfair/unjust/harmful treatment. Actually, to understand morality only in the abstract often does more harm than good. When you don’t have the basic components of morality in the form of genuine empathy and compassion, then it’s easy to intellectualize moral concepts and then use twisted logic to justify all sorts of negative behavior. Hitler is the cliche example in that he seemed to genuinely believe that he was righteous in using genocide to achieve some abstract ideal of a perfect society.

There is already quite a lot of research about moral psychology and moral reasoning, and it handily proves that the cynic you’re paraphrasing is misguided. If they genuinely believe that human nature is irredeemable, I would advise against being friends with them, since that belief system, taken to its logical conclusion, would render someone morally bankrupt and completely incapable of loving relationships. Other than a basic sense of fairness, you aren’t born with a whole moral philosophy that you can write down in a book, rather, you pick up your moral beliefs through life experience and learning from the choices that you make. The moral beliefs that you choose to hold on to gradually come to define your moral character. For instance, to believe that human nature is fundamentally irredeemable actually tells everyone that you have absolutely no faith in yourself - it’s a projection.

If you really understand what “personal responsibility” means, whether or not other people choose evil is irrelevant to what you choose for yourself. A cynic either has to argue that humans can’t choose to be good because they are “born evil” (fatalism) or that what they choose is “meaningless” as long as others choose evil (helplessness). Either way, it means relinquishing the natural creative power of humans to be better and make things better. And what do you have left after you’ve given up your creative power? Resign yourself to powerlessness? A cynic chooses powerlessness, so they cannot help but begrudge your attempts to use your power.

Again, humans aren’t just one thing. They are indeed capable of evil, but disappointment about evil must not obscure the fact that humans are also granted the intellectual power to overcome their basest impulses. The fact that being moral is often the harder road to take makes it all the more meaningful when you’re able to choose it consistently. For civilization to be possible, for love to be possible, for long term planning to be possible - all of them difficult uphill projects - a significant number of people have successfully devoted themselves to performing socially beneficial behavior. The proof is right before your eyes in the people around you. Just because some people relinquish their moral responsibility, doesn’t mean you should ignore all those who embrace and accept their moral responsibility. Ignoring all the good is just as illogical as ignoring all the bad - either way, you’re not in touch with reality.

Are you a “lightchaser”? A lightchaser lives in fear of darkness, so they live in denial of their own darkness. Repressing it is what causes it to turn into something ugly and evil. However, once you recognize the reality that humans are a very mixed bag of positive and negative motives, you free up your mind to nurture your potential and address the things that hold you back from being your better self. You have the power to identify and address the things that promote evil behavior. How you choose to use that power is the main point.

#enfp #auxiliary fi #morality #development #moral compass #moral philosophy #moral psychology #ask

[expedition-one]

ADRIAN.   a protector and provider all his life. athletic; swim captain. he’s driven to fix things for those around him and a lack of healthy relationships + toxic masculinity means he doesn’t like to ask for help. that is only amplified by the fact that he is often underestimated and therefore feels the need to prove himself. he’s a rebel who wants to create a better world than the one he knew before. he needs to learn who he is outside of the pressure to perform, and get to know himself as a leader and someone people can look to. his empathy and compassion will motivate him and draw others to him.

LEO.   the younger sibling is tired of fighting to meet impossible standards. they’d rather make their own way than win someone else’s game. they’re not much of an academic, but they do love meeting new people and exploring. their knowledge of the land will prove invaluable. they have their own set of beliefs and ideas, but they do not feel the need to take charge. they serve as a calming and spiritual force instead... for everyone but their brother. 

TALIA.   a private survivalist from a competitive family. she’s an adrenaline junkie who isn’t afraid to take on dangerous tasks. she has always felt the need to earn her keep and ‘deserve’ the advantages that being adopted into a wealthy family has given her. brilliant, collected, and observant; she’s a true asset. she wants to belong more than anything else in the world. quiet but bold.

MAYA ROSE.   she knows her worth and she’s determined to prove it, despite the people ready to dismiss her as a diversity token. she’s brilliant and her engineering skills make her essential to the group. despite her indisputable leadership skills and learned take-charge attitude, she’s naturally shy (we see this in the way she approaches her personal life). more than anything, she wants to create a prosperous world where she doesn’t have to watch her back. she will rely on her faith and her own skills to get her there (with some emotional support from her love interest). vocal but shy.

WESLEY.   wesley has always known what he should be, but he doesn’t know what he actually wants. raised by strict parents and overshadowed by his perfect older sister, wesley acts out in any way he can – while still excelling in medical school. he’s sarcastic, funny, and a go-to court jester while also treating to the medical needs of the group. he will have to discover what he wants for himself and who he wants to be in this decimated world.

EVERETT.   a laid back, creative mind who will also prove essential. his vast knowledge of plants will help the group survive + he will attempt to learn more about agriculture and farming. he loves projects and anything that can stimulate his mind. he also loves to experiment with recreational drugs which will prove problematic when his supply becomes finite.

SUMMER.   growing up on a farm, summer knows a lot about tradesmanship and how to live off the land. she is often the one who can help maya rose bring her ideas to fruition. she cares a lot about freedom, liberty, and kindness. she has to work on unlearning the harmful biases she was raised into and she will succeed. her goal is to make everyone else’s jobs easier so that they can regain a sense of stability in an unstable world.

#tbt

[masterthespianduchovny]

I believe Kendall is the most popular character in the series, but Roman is far more compelling in my opinion.

His emotional arc and burgeoning maturity is a compelling thing to watch, esp when you get glimpses as to why he is the way he is.

In the beginning, I wanted to root for Roman because he was a Culkin, and then Roman tore up the check and I was like, “Fuck this dude.” I mean, clearly, the character and not the actor.

But, in retrospect, that doesn’t seem like something Roman would do. Yes, it’s canonical that he did it, but it’s also canonical that he was wearing, presumably, a wedding band in that same ep that we’ll most likely never get answers for. My point is: the pilot ep is almost always the rough draft of characters going forward. This doesn’t erase his actions, but it just seems “out of character.”

With that being said, we see Roman going from a yes man to his father and caring about his own bottom line to genuinely assessing situations and giving his honest opinion. 

His journey to get there was strange, unusual, yet sweet.

Roman was sex obsessed, vulgar, and a fuck up. It was easy to assume that he’s this way because he’s spoiled when, in reality, he most likely suffered the worst of his father’s abuse and was punished for being “weaker.” The implied explanation behind Roman’s behavior is that Logan put his youngest son down in one way or another to uphold the hierarchy between him and Kendall. We see that Connor knows his place and doesn't challenge it, but Roman did and does.

Logan made it where Roman was self sabotaging and heavily insecure about himself and his abilities. 

I want to resist the urge of labeling Gerri as the catalyst behind Roman’s change, but I see no other significant factor beyond her. Roman has always wanted to prove himself to his dad and repeatedly failed because that’s how he was molded. But, something happened during the trip to Japan that made Roman and Gerri become closer. Even if it was unstated and imperceptible, there was a change that bonded them.

The Roy children are conditioned to want their dad’s approval, despite failing or it never being enough. Which is why Roman keeps trying.

But, things change with Gerri.

After getting business advice from the wrong person, he finally asks the right person. If it hadn’t been for Japan, would he had asked her? And what’s more noteworthy is: he takes her suggestion seriously. 

Back in season 1 episode 2, we see that Roman respects and admires Gerri’s skills at her job. 

Interestingly enough, Roman wants her in the room during a business dealing, which is a stark contrast to his vehemence of Frank being his babysitter. IMO, Frank most likely made it very known that he looked down on Roman and probably gleefully reported Roman’s mistakes and fuck ups to Logan. Although he didn't have many dealings with Gerri before season 2, she sasses Roman back, but treated him like an adult; albeit, a very spoiled one, but she did humor him, take him seriously, and keeps whatever mistakes he made between them.  

The thing that really spurs Roman’s maturity and self awareness into motion is Gerri checking on him. How often do we see people check on Roman’s emotional well being? Or touch base with him? But, Gerri does and Roman asks her what he needs to do to be taken seriously.

He wouldn’t had ever asked Frank that. And Frank would’ve given him some smart ass reply if he did.

But, Gerri gives him practical advice and is open to being the person Roman leans on. She gives him great, but obvious advice that benefits him in the long run. Her advice also addresses Roman’s glaring flaws of not having practical experience, training, or knowledge surrounding running a business.

Gerri is the first person that Roman allowed himself to be completely vulnerable regarding his insecurities and desire for his father’s approval who made him feel safe and validated. She didn’t give a smart ass reply or justify why his father didn’t trust him, she advised him to do things that will get Logan to trust Roman.

And this is important because Gerri goes from, Gerri Kellman, job good-doer to, Gerri, someone Roman can confide in about professional issues.

After that, we see Roman calling and telling her about every little thing. He sees her as a mentor, but also a friend and someone who isn’t going to judge him.

And maybe this is where the change truly starts. Perhaps, the rocket incident is still on his mind, but having Gerri being a soundboard and help guide his career, Roman can finally begin to grow into his own. This is further underscored when their relationship crossing into a sexual boundary. Roman reveals this incredibly intimate part of him and Gerri doesn’t judge him; she doesn’t make him feel bad about; she inherently understands his need. What interesting about the second “conference call” scene is that Roman is fully prepared to leave and apologizes before realizing that Gerri is in character. And then, he goes into character instantly.

After their first conference call, he’s awkward around her. With their second, he’s his normal self and cracking jokes and telling the truth because it sounds like a lie.

Since this was around the time Roman found out that Shiv was the heavy favorite for the next CEO, he’s down, but is also showing self awareness. He hasn’t reverted back to his old self. Gerri has to beg him to talk to Eduard, but she basically informs him: I went to bat for you, despite your father wanting Tom. I find it noteworthy that he describes her suggestion as “make up sex” and her “grinding against him” to apologize for the Shiv thing. He’s allowing himself to be upset with her in that moment like normal people do opposed to the repressing his true feeling like he does with his family. Whether Gerri revealing that she suggested him to his dad meant something in that moment, it definitely meant something going forth. I believe after this we get an increase of “Gerri says”, Gerri thinks”, and “Gerri cares...”

Gerri is the only one who has consistently taken Roman seriously, was a resource for him to improve his business skills, and allowed him to be vulnerable without making him feel bad about it. 

That, in turn, made Roman take himself seriously as a person even when it came to offering a suggestion that continued to threaten Waystar as they knew it.

It takes a lot of maturity and self awareness to say, “hey, this is an important deal for us; I may not be the guy for this”, despite you knowing what this opportunity could mean for you. And Logan’s decision to keep the course with Roman wooing Eduard has everything to do with Gerri’s faith in him. Would Logan care that Roman was good with people, if Gerri hadn’t pushed for him, stressed that the panel went well, or the other things she’s done? Gerri constantly put Roman in a position to succeed, which fed him confidence and allowed it grow in a healthy way. This is highlighted times a million when he tells his dad to reject the offer after him kidnapping.

But, we also have his interpersonal relationships with his family members.

Roman asked his father if he was doing well and had someone to talk to about Marcia. He was truly concerned about his father’s emotional well being. Roman wasn’t just content with, “You good?” No, he also wanted to see if his dad had a support system to deal with his marriage falling apart. This is not the Roman of season 1, that’s for sure. On the yacht when he asked Kendall and Shiv if they could have a normal conversation if they came out of the situation, he WAS the only mature one in the discussion. I know they were having funny, but it did appear that Kendall and Shiv have difficulty having normal, healthy, and productive conversations with one another. They’re so used to competing, undercutting each other, and looking for an angle. They don’t fully trust each other.

Roman wants to know that his loved ones are doing okay and connect to and with them, but ironically enough, he is the only one having a healthy “relationship.” His needs are being met.

For him to trust Gerri the way he does to not only 1. Propose a business team up, but 2. Defend her at the blood sacrifice, speaks volumes.

It shows that he has come a long way from the asshole who ripped up the check in front of the kid and the guy who washed his hand and pretended a rocket didn’t explode. 

This also makes Roman dangerous, but in a good way. Kendall has always had the advantage over Roman because he knew the business and how to speak in business terms. But, with Roman working through his issues and actually putting in the work, Roman could give Kendall an actual run for his money. I've said this before, Roman is a killer. But, he lacked the confidence and knowledge to be useful. With Gerri’s guidance and his ever growing confidence and skill, Roman is growing into a better successor in reality, esp because I think he has better negotiating and people skills. 

#roman roy #succesion #gerri kellman

[memoriesofyccjungrk]

▫︎ ▪︎  ━ ᴊᴀɴᴜᴀʀʏ 2020 ᴇᴠᴀʟᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ( ᴄᴇɴᴛᴇʀs )

gahyeon knows she’s among the most excited about the evaluation at hand, that much is probably obvious among the trainees. of course, she’s excited to get to perform in front of the coaches – even more excited that they’d be showing the recordings to the ceos. knowing that alone should’ve make her nervous – and to be fair, she was. at least a little. but no, more than anything else, she was petrified.

as far as gahyeon knew, this was the first evaluation the ceo would be seeing of her in a year. it had been a year since she had really been performing for something – for attention, maybe ? she’d been a center back then, and gahyeon knew that meant something for her. meant that he had some sort of belief in her, saw something in her – that had been clear when he’d signed her a year prior to that performance. this evaluation told gahyeon that maybe the coaches agreed with that sentiment. because, while performance was the royal girl’s collective ‘ weakness, ’ gahyeon knew it was one of her own strengths. she was a performer through and through and had gotten a spot in the top ten of her season for her dance skills, her performances.

she had to prove that she could continue to impress. the last time gahyeon had seen so jisub, he’d told her that he saw something in her. potential – the ability to grow. there was no chance she would flub this opportunity to show him that he was right about her. in seven months, she’d be up for contract renewal – she had to prove that her contract would be worth renewing.

drawing in a breath, gahyeon takes her place behind the other girls when told to get in place. yes, she still has months to go – but a lot can change in seven months. gahyeon needed to show them as if this was the last chance she’d get. as much as she wants to say it’s to prove to him that she’s worth keeping, the voice in the back of her head reminds her that it’s not just him. no, because she doesn’t need to just prove to jisub and the trainers that she’s worth it – she needs to prove it to herself.

the last few months have been shrouded in nothing but confusion and doubt, and gahyeon feels as if she’s taken ten steps backward. the feeling isn’t unfamiliar – no, it was a reminder of how she’d struggled after getting signed. perhaps it was the lack of communication – she didn’t know if she was doing well, if they saw something in her, if she was progressing how jisub had thought she would. she didn’t know what anyone thought of her, where the other trainees would praise her, gahyeon had to wonder sometimes if it was just a tactic. while the royal girls were notorious for being kind, loving, attentive, and caring – that didn’t mean that it was real. that didn’t mean it couldn’t all be an act, and gahyeon knew she could be paranoid. so how did she really know ? how could she be sure that they were honest ? that she was really moving forward, and not just taking more and more steps back ?

she had to prove this to herself. performing was what she was good at – the one thing that she’d drowned herself in since she was young. the one thing that really meant something to her, that she was sure she was good at. but becoming a trainee had brought more doubts than consolidation. if anything, gahyeon was more unsure in herself than she had been standing on that stage two years ago. in reality, she knew she had to have gotten better. she had to have made progress. but that didn’t mean the fear didn’t crawl in every crack in her armor.

she had to prove this to herself.

she draws in another breath as the music starts. wills herself to relax, to let any doubts that filled her head fade away – because in that moment, she has to be perfect. she closes her eyes for just a moment – because dancing is something that comes naturally to gahyeon. something that has always been second-nature.

while the track played the vocal track around them, filling the room with the familiar tune, gahyeon still mouthed along with the lyrics as she rolled her neck. this was a style she was comfortable in – something that, perhaps a year ago she wouldn’t have been so comfortable with. she hadn’t danced much outside of hip-hop, nothing with the softness loca’s strong yet feminine movements offered. now, however, gahyeon was comfortable and danced in the style with ease. it had taken time and practice – but gahyeon figured this meant she had grown, hadn’t she ?

taking center at the beginning of the song was nerve wrecking for gahyeon at first – after all, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to manage it. opening a performance like this, that wasn’t something she could’ve seen herself doing, even a few months ago. however, she knew she shouldn’t be so hard on herself – had been told just the same by the other trainees. she tried to remind herself they wouldn’t sabotage her. the girls weren’t like this, she’d known most of them for over a year. not to mention, the coaches wouldn’t have given her center parts without reason – and gahyeon knew she was talented. maybe not how talented – but she could do this. because now, this was something she couldn’t imagine not doing.

after weeks of practice, the dance was second-nature. the smooth movements required meticulous practice and each girl had to had to ensure every move was in sync with one another. even as they dance around one another as someone else took center, gahyeon had ensured she was always working her hardest. that she was always showing her best face – because if there was one thing she’d learned during the mgas, it was that someone was always watching.

when it came to the main rap section, gahyeon made her way to center as the girls split in front of her. she moved forward with the music, mouthing the words along with the vocal track – because while their vocals weren’t the group’s main focus, after she’d performed it so many times how couldn’t she know the lyrics by heart ? once she made it to the front, the dance become stronger and concise, but still elicited a certain softness that came with the femininity of the routine. once they moved into group movements again, gahyeon ensured she kept on time. being at the center and front meant that, although she was crouched and not the main focus, she could easily screw up – and it would be very obvious. she couldn’t see the others behind her, after all. however, gahyeon reminded herself that she knew the routine like the back of her hand – she knew she wouldn’t go off-beat.

when they’d been practicing, gahyeon had noticed the arm work – the precise timing the dance required of them. everything was carefully coordinated, and if one member screwed up, it would be noticeable. but after all the practice they’d had, gahyeon was sure they wouldn’t screw up. they’d all practiced tirelessly – gahyeon had as much faith in them as she did herself.

when it came to the dance break, gahyeon, lisa, and shiah took center. the three had practiced just as hard as the rest of the girls with the routine. especially as they were learning it. they’d dance for hours on end. gahyeon knew they had this routine down-pat. gahyeon didn’t doubt a movement she made. couldn’t. if she couldn’t trust herself, then how could she ever do this for real ?

she had to trust herself.

once again, as the routine was coming to an end and the other girls were on the group as gahyeon took center again. she reached her arm out, moving it slowly to the front as the other girls turned toward her in center. with ballerina fingers, gahyeon swayed her arm from side to side before bounding it to the front to accentuate the word babe; doing just the same as she spun forward. her hair framed her face perfectly, landing nicely on her shoulders as she spun – it was as if it was that movie-magic that kept her looking fierce, despite what could’ve looked like a disaster.

she had to trust herself.

they moved to into the end of the performance, lisa taking center in place of herself. they moved in unison, the replication of the performance they were emulating perfect – or, as close as it could get. gahyeon was confident in their abilities. although performance was viewed as the royal girl’s collective weakness, gahyeon knew they were all talented women. they were all women who worked hard at their craft, and who were determined to succeed. this performance was a clear indication of that.

once again gahyeon took center, and the performance came full circle. what she had begun he was ending. her movements are sharp, and familiar. she spins her finger beside her head, body moving with her as she lowers her hand to her side and the girls all strike their final pose. it’s almost sad – that this is the last time they’d perform this song. over the past month, it had been the collective royal girl’s focus – gahyeon had even allowed more time that she typically dedicated toward her own choreography to the routine for this evaluation. it was hard to believe this would be the last time they’d perform it. gahyeon drew in a breath before allowing herself to relax and bow along with the other girls once the coaches announced they were good to go. gahyeon swallowed as she glanced at the camera one more time as one of their coaches moved to turn it off.

it was sad – because gahyeon could see herself dancing like this for the rest of her life. she hoped the performance would show the coaches as much – anyone who had a say in what concept they’d eventually debut with. that they were meant for this. this was what she was meant for. the girls danced as a unit, they were all strong performers. they could do this – and no matter how long it took them, gahyeon knew that they could do this. she had to believe it. otherwise, how was she going to get through however long it took her to finally get to where she wanted to be ?

#rkjan20eval #. * | solo. #. * | wc : 1763. #. * | evaluation. #. * | royalty.

[moonbokrk]

Date: 14th June 2019 Location: Seoul Arts High School, Jogno-gu Song used: Octagon by Outsider ft 2TAK, Kuan, Tymee and Bewhy (01:45-02:45) tw: mentions of religion

                                                ~Strongest Skill - RAPPING~

Much to his annoyance, Moonbok has run into the same problem as he did last year, getting his rap audition to meet the 1 minute time goal. Oftentimes, raps in songs sound much longer but when you look at the duration they’re, at most, about 45 seconds. And Moonbok doesn’t want to do anything to risk his chances of making it past the first round.

At least this year, he’d been researching raps far more thoroughly instead of sticking to his favourite artists and panicking because of the length and content. And while he had eventually chosen a song penned by Outsider, it wasn’t his idol’s part he’d chosen to audition with, but Tymee and Bewhy’s raps instead. Like with Cheetah’s Coma 07 from the year before, the lyrics had stood out to him, and he hopes he’s be able to better hold his nerve this time around.

“Jang Moonbok.”

Upon hearing his name, Moonbok calls out an acknowledgment and stands from his seat, pocketing his phone and swapping nods with the other rappers who were sitting around waiting. Once again, he finds himself in a room facing a panel of judges Though this time the intimidation was not there, which meant he had no reason to put on a show of fake bravado for the cameras. Instead, it with an easy smile that he bows to the judges and introduces himself.

“Good morning, my name is Jang Moonbok. Today I’ll be performing Outsiders’ Octagon, specifically Tymee and Bewhy’s raps. I hope you’ll enjoy.”

Once he’s given a nod, he hands over his phone to allow it to be connected to the sound system in the room. Admittedly, he could have performed without a backing track, but Moonbok finds it easier to rap alongside music. It helps him keep in time, not letting him rush ahead or slow down too much. Bouncing on his heels a little, he lets out a breath, his expression fading from a smile into a more determined one.

He won’t make a show of himself like he did last year.

From the second the music begins, he’s off. This is a far faster paced song than Coma 07 or Before the Dawn and Moonbok is glad to show off the fact that he can rap quickly without turning into the verbal equivalent of a keysmash.

Ready, go The fool* is scared to death (expletive edited for audition) Slapping me on my back when I turn around, If you tackle me, I can probably knock you down Looking like a hobo who lost everything Acting like as if you got so much power

There is one reason why he never retaliates to Jiwon’s tormenting of him, besides the vain hope that the other will just get bored because of a lack of reaction from him. It’s because Moonbok knows that, if he truly wanted to, he could beat Jiwon’s ass from one end of the SNU’s music department to the other. He was a graduate from the military, he knows how to handle himself in a violent confrontation, while Jiwon hadn’t even made the moves to be enlisted yet. But Moonbok will never fight back, he won’t sink to the other’s level.

Soul of lies, you said you're calm? Ain't got no swag in reality You've got a long way to go, look at him surrendering already You lost this game the moment you were born

Instead, he hopes this particular segment is shown on television, that Jiwon sees it and realizes that Moonbok might endure his insults and punches, but he’s no longer cowed by him anymore. That he’s not that shy nerdy senior who cried his eyes out on national television at least three times.

This is his warning.

There's no such thing as win-win at the top of this ring Little kid rubbing his chest Hey loser, if you can't go crazy like me, hit the GG and get the heck out of here Before I smack-down you, I won't give up I'll give you a piece of advice, so listen up

Moonbok's not going to lie, he's not sure how much he's matured since his elimination last year. He'd thought he'd come a long way, but Chaewon and Yena's criticisms of his self-written rap had brought him back to earth with a bang. And while he still believed in the words he'd written; they were born from the trauma and guilt he still carried with him, Moonbok can appreciate why Yena said the thing she'd said about it, why Chaewon had laughed her ass off when she'd seen the title.

Moonbok wishes he could go back in time to the year before, to confront his younger self and shake some sense into him. To tell him it's alright to be nervous and uncertain, that acting like he's debut ready is a recipe for disaster. But he can't. All he can do is try to learn from it. And as much as it had hurt, he wouldn't be the person he is today had he not gone through it all. And it's the memories of that time that push him on, even though he's second guessed himself so much, even when he'd half considered not showing up to the auditions at all.

Last year, he'd wanted to prove he was the best, prove to his parents that he was right in pursuing his dream. Now he just wants to prove to himself that despite his flaws, he's still worthy of standing on a stage, even if it doesn't lead to the outcome he wants. It's still this fact that he has trouble accepting, but hopefully someday, he'll come to terms with it.

It's pretty obvious who's the winner between us two, who is next Cut it out already if you don't want to die

He’s not the same Moonbok from last year. He won’t let his insecurities plague him, nor will he let himself be carried away by delusions of grandeur.

I'm J to the M V O K* (Edited to replace bewhy’s name) My weight on the top of this track is completely different from yours So heavy, I am sexy S.T You're running from your life when you see me, return of the David This will be a nightmare for a Goliath like you who only cares about his physique Failure is forever yours

It feels a little conceited to use his stage name in play of bewhy's, but as far as Moonbok is concerned, he's not on the other rapper's level yet, not even close. So he doesn't dare try to use bewhy's name. And as much as he doesn't want to think it, this also feels like a diss against him, reminding him that he's still not the rapper he wants to be. But unlike last year, where he'd been so absorbed in Cheetah's similar lyrics that he'd almost became overwhelmed, it only strengthens Moonbok's resolve to push himself harder. Because surely, one day, he'll be in a place to deserve to write raps praising himself and his growth.

Failure might be forever his right now, but only if he lets himself believe in those words and gives into the pressure from his uncle and walks away. As long as he keeps trying, keeps writing, keeps going to auditions, he'll surely succeed one day. And his uncle will have failed in his efforts to control the image he had of their family name.

He's definitely not sexy though, he's always be a failure in that regard, no matter what some netizens and others might say. In fact, at that particular line, Moonbok fees himself flush and hopes his expression is as serious and as calm as when he started. Him, all of 160cm and a baby face, sexy?! Dream on.

I don't have such thing as a coach, just my god and my way Only the lord will act as my director The residents of I-town have started partying already even though the game hasn't started yet That's because my victory is obvious

Moonbok is not one to be obnoxious about his religion, believing it's not his place to pester people about it one way or the other. But he won't deny that role it's played in his life, or how much it means to him. His faith has been a source of comfort through the hard times, given him inspiration when he needed it and it's been a stepping stone for the start of his musical journey thanks to his church's choir.

He prays now even as he raps that God will give him the strength and courage he needs. That He'll watch over Moonbok and guide him to his destiny, no matter what path it takes. That by the end of his time on the MGAs, no matter how long it may be, that Moonbok will have given his family and friends a reason to celebrate his growth.

The audience you called, the judge inside and outside of the octagon are all your side But, don't play so nasty like that No need to state the obvious, I'm the champion

Once again, he knows that he's at the mercy of the judges and netizens, and of Mnet who'll probably use their evil editing to his disadvantage again. The memories of him being compared to Hojung based on their looks alone, of the focus Mnet had given to his breakdown in the training room and the errors he made on stage make him burn with the injustice of it all. He knows it's effecting him, he can hear it in the way his voice changed to become louder and more forceful as he comes to the end of the rap. But he's not crying this time, not letting his emotions control him. No, he's channeling them into his performance, letting everyone know that even if Mnet play nasty once more and even if he's ripped to shreds by the judges again, he'll become a champion.

The music fades and Moonbok takes a deep breath in, throat dry and suddenly desperate for a bottle of water. But he feels content that how his audition has gone, he kept control of himself this time, there's no tears in his eyes, his breathlessness is not from the emotional overload. Just a feeling that, hopefully, he's proved himself. His serious expression once more fades into a smile and he bows to the judges before him again.

"Thank you for listening to me. I hope you liked my performance."

When he gets the signal to be dismissed, Moonbok heads back into the corridor and slumps a little in the seat he'd been occupying beforehand, gulping down his water as fast as he could without choking. Moonbok watches the next auditionee enter the room before he gets back to his feet and heads towards the interview venue.

[Word Count without lyrics, 1,516] Translation credit: x Hangul lyrics: x

#rkmga5audition2 #rkmga5 #tw religion #wc: 1516 #(TAKE THIS AWAY OMFG) #(I'm so sorry sdjgdfl)

[sosa-sketch]

Fright or Flight: Chapter 2

Parings: Prinxiety // Logicality // Platonic LAMP

Story Summary: Virgil and Patton investigate the New Prince Castle, when a brutal accident kills Patton. Patton wakes as a ghost and meets friendly ghoul Roman, who has been haunting the castle for 20 years. Virgil is determined to bring Patton back to life and brings Logan, the ghost expert, to help him out. Time is quickly running out, and the four must work together to undo death. If only it was as simple as Logan made it sound.

Unknown to them, a secret entity in the castle does not plan on letting them succeed.

Previous Chapter   Next Chapter 

When Patton first met Virgil, his last intention was to become friends with him. Virgil had built up a notorious reputation over the first few months of school, and his grades did nothing to disprove his status. Patton wasn’t the type to judge a person’s character based on rumors nor looks. No one was a higher believer in the benefit of doubt than Patton! However, Virgil’s first impression did not help his case.

Virgil transferred into Patton’s English class the second semester due to a schedule change. When the teacher stated a new team project was to be completed, Patton did not shy away from offering to be Virgil’s partner. He understood how difficult it could be being the new kid in a class full of friends and cliques.

The project was hefty, an collection of novel analyzing, essays, vocabulary, and journal entries. Patton was not looking forward to the Shakespearean project-Shakespeare’s language was alien to him. It occurred to Patton that pairing up with the soon-to-be-dropout may not have been his best idea. Nonetheless, Patton refused to be jaded.

The first day of the project, Virgil refused to touch the work.

“There’s no way I’m touching this project.” Virgil sneered. “Especially about Shakespeare.”

“Huh?” Patton had not fully processed Virgil’s words. “Is it because you don’t understand it?”

“Sure.”

“Neither can I! I guess Shakespeare really has our brains shaken up! Maybe we can ask the teacher to go over it for us?”

The teen huffed and shook his head. Virgil laid his head on the wooden desk and his eyes slipped closed. He napped for the rest of the period.

His behavior continued for weeks. Patton had tried everything in his power to get Virgil to help him out. Patton’s seemingly endless supply of compliments and encouraging gestures served no help.

Patton’s mind had conjured countless excuses for Virgil since Virgil himself refused to give one. At the beginning the excuses had seemed feasible. Lack of sleep? Family issues? However, by week three, Patton was already scraping the bottom of the barrel, trying to justify Virgil’s dismissive attitude with clones and possible mind control. Virgil was no closer to lifting up a pencil, there were ten days left of the project, and Patton still understood little to nothing about Shakespeare. Patton was flying solo and time was ticking.

The final week before the project was due, Patton caught the flu.

Patton would chalk up the flu to the top three sucky sicknesses of his lifetime. His fever was raging, his skin drowning in sweat while the insides of him iced over. Patton couldn’t tell when being awake ended and when sleep began. The only alarm in Patton’s body was the churning in his gut that rushed him to the toilet.

Understandably, the project was the last thing on his mind.

Patton would not remember his Shakespeare mission until the Sunday before it was due, when he was shaking off the final remnants of the flu. The realization hit him like a train, but by the time he went flying off his bed and hurriedly logging on to his computer to check the time, Patton knew it was hopeless. There was no way he could get the project done in a few hours and counting. Not when all his energy was going into fighting of sneezes and headaches.

Patton was dejectedly scrolling through his email filled with newsletters from adoption sites and animal protection agencies when a subject line caught his eye: “English Project.” Linked to the email were word documents and an audio file. Perplexedly, Patton opened the email.

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: English Project

Patton,

so apparently you’ve been sick. class is way more quiet without you their, which is wierd.

i think i did everything you hadn’t done. it’s gonna be really mispelled and confusing and shit. sorry. i’m not the best with righting. feel free to fix anything.

get well soon.

-V

p.s. sorry for acting like a jerk. i owe you a explanation monday.

Patton hugged his computer screen and laugh with relief. He had no idea why Virgil was so nervous. His ideas were brilliant. A week later, Patton would see an A in his gradebook for the Shakespeare project.

There was a reason why Patton never lost faith in people.

True to his word, the next week Virgil explained his mistreatment to Patton. Virgil struggled with dyslexia. While he was getting tutoring in overcoming his learning disability, Virgil’s writing made him incredibly insecure. His old teacher always let him work individually, but the new teacher wasn’t having it. Before class, the teacher pulled him aside and told Virgil he was no different from any other student and would have to work with a partner. Virgil, determined to spite the teacher and anxious to seem like an “idiot” in front of Patton, would pretend to sleep the whole period.

“All your writing took was a quick grammar fix. The ideas were so good! I’m not just saying that to say that, they actually were! I could never think of something like that.” Patton reassured enthusiastically.

Virgil flushed a bright red. “I didn’t do much. Shakespeare is a lot easier to understand with audio.”

Patton listened to the audiobook of Macbeth that night. Virgil clearly wasn’t giving himself enough credit.

Virgil and Patton quickly grew close once the project was done. Virgil was still quiet, snappy, moody, and detrimentally insecure, but he began to open up more as the months went on. By senior year, Patton and Virgil was joined at the hip. Two peas in a pod.

Virgil had grown a lot since freshman year.

Being joined at the hip with Virgil meant that Patton got to understand Virgil by the simplest change in body language or expression. It also meant that Patton became aquatinted with anyone close to Virgil.

Patton already had a bad feeling while Virgil’s tone had shifted on the phone the night they were chatting about yearbook quotes. Remy sending Patton a text only confirmed the ball of dread in his stomach.

Rem: pat can we talk ?

Patton: You don’t even have to ask! Everything ok?

Rem: it’s about v

Rem: have you guys talked recently ? out of school

Patton: We talked last weekend. Over the phone. Why? Is Virgil fine??

Rem: idk. he came over to my house a couple nights ago at like 5 am. talked about some ghost shit.

Patton: He woke you up to talk about ghosts??(language!)

Rem: looking for affirmation that he wasn’t some obsessed ghost freak. i told him nah

Rem: but tbh he kinda is obsessed

Patton: He is passionate about his ghosts! But that’s not a bad thing.

Rem: v strongly disagrees. the whole thing about the yearbook and ghost quotes really messed with his head

Patton: I didn’t mean anything bad by it! It was just an idea! I promise! I’ll apologize to him!!!

Rem: wait no thats not what im saying. no one blames u

Rem: is he doing any ghost stuff anytime soon

Patton: Yep. He’s going to visit a castle!

Patton: Is that bad?

Rem: don’t you remember last time v became paranoid abt something? he pulled some real stupid stuff just to prove ppl wrong

Patton: Yeah. I know.

Patton: Gosh now I’m worried :(

Rem: i just dont want him doing anything he’ll regret on the trip. can u just…idk watch out for him pls ? ik v can take care of himself. but sometimes he gets into this headspace that’s self-destructive

Rem: tbh i dont like his ghost stuff as it is. i dont need him doing something dumb either

Patton: I understand Rem. That’s really sweet of you <3 <3

Patton: I’ll look out for him! I promise!!!! :-) :-)

Rem: ty. dont tell v abt this convo tho

Despite feeling uneasy about it, Patton understood Remy’s request to keep silent. Telling Virgil about their conversation would only push Virgil away and make him defensive. It’d be impossible to look out for him.

Virgil had already given Patton a way in. Patton had to talk to Logan for Virgil and get any supplies he might need. Patton loved visiting Logan in and of itself. Maybe Logan could help him out.

Logan’s business was located near small shops clustered along the beach. It was a hotspot for tourists, where knickknacks and souvenirs were sold and expensive attractions were advertised. Patton walked along here with Virgil sometimes, stopping at the arcade or mirror maze. Patton had met some of the most interesting people in the small touristy town.

Among the attractions was a dark blue shingled building with a pointy-roofed top. Painted letters on a wooden board spelt out “Afterlife Exposed.” Patton stepped through the door and a bell gently ringed, signaling his arrival.

At the sound of the bell, a tall, dark-haired man turned around. His navy suit blended in with the darkness of the shop. The man’s lean body was captivated beautifully in the suit. Patton quickly averted his eyes, blushing furiously.

“I have been expecting you-oh. Greetings, Patton. What a surprise.”

“Hi Logan!” Patton waved enthusiastically. “Who were you expecting?”

“No one. It’s a new rule Father has implemented. I must say it to every customer to ‘set the mood,’ as he calls it.” Logan dragged his hand over his face exasperatedly. “I find it quite ridiculous. But business shall be business.”

Logan’s father technically owned Afterlife Exposed. But he was always hidden in the back, gathering supplies or experimenting. Logan was currently studying entrepreneurship in college in order to take over the family business someday.

“How may I help you today, Patton?” Logan inquired, stepping around the counter to stand in front of him. He was even taller up close.

Patton filled Logan in about the New Prince Castle family murder and Virgil’s plan to investigate the castle for one of his ghost routines. Logan nodded politely the whole way through.

“I see. What an intriguing case. What exactly does he need from me?”

Patton shrugged cluelessly. “Anything you think might help, I guess.”

“What’s his budget?”

“A coffee and cake pop from Starbucks, if he uses his gift card.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “And he sent you to purchase something from here? Why, he couldn’t even afford a keychain.”

“Come on, Logan! He’s one of your most loyal customers and between us, he’s going through a rough patch. Can’t you help him out? Please?”

Logan massaged his temples and sighed. “Patton, it’s just not something the business can afford to do right now. My Father and I have been dealing with a sort of rough patch as well. You and Virgil have my sincerest apologies-truly, you do.”

Patton nodded dejectedly, “I understand.” Spotting Logan’s hesitant expression and tense form, he rested a hand on Logan’s shoulder and grinned. “Really, I do. I don’t blame you.”

Logan gave a small, tight-lipped smile in return. Gently shaking Patton’s hand off his shoulder, he clasped his hands together tightly. “Well, is there anything else I can do for you?”

“I’m not too sure.” Patton pursed his lips in thought. “Well, actually. I was wondering if you could tell me the dos and don’ts of ghost hunting. The yays and nays. The cats and dogs-actually no scratch that, both of those would be a yay.”

“With all due respect, Patton, I think Virgil has got that covered.” Logan reassured. “He must have asked me a dozen times prior to his first investigation.”

“Oh yeah, I know. It’s for me.” Patton corrected.

Logan raised an eyebrow in perplexion. Patton had never shown an interest in ghost hunting when Virgil wasn’t to be found.

Patton thought quickly. “I just want to understand more. For when I talk to Virgil. Sometimes I really don’t get half the explanations coming from the kiddo’s mouth.” It wasn’t a lie. “Just…how do you deal with ghosts?

“I see.” Logan clicked his tongue. “I’m sure Virgil could explain it to you more in depth. But, if you’re ever in doubt, chalk it up to one thing: respect. Is what you’re doing respecting the afterlife and their home? Are you portraying common courtesy? Treat them with the same respect as the living, if not more. There are exceptions, as with anything, but for the most part, that should keep you out of trouble with spirits.”

“Respect.” Patton repeated.

“You have strong morals, Patton. If you’re concerned about involvement with the afterlife due to your closeness with Virgil, I would not worry. Lack of respect is the last of your weaknesses.”

Logan pulled out his phone from the back of his pocket. “I apologize, I must return to my work. However, if you or Virgil have any more questions, feel free to give me a call.”

Patton gushed and thanked Logan, jotting down his number. Logan flushed a gentle red and held out his hand for a handshake.

“Pleasure doing business with you, Patton.”

Patton swatted Logan’s hand away and brought him in for a hug. “Thank you, Logan.”

Logan awkwardly pat Patton on the back before ungracefully untangling himself from the embrace. “I was only doing my job. Now, I understand it’s none of my business, but I recommend getting some rest. You look exhausted.”

“High school has permanently carved bags under my eyes.” Patton shook his head defeatedly.

Logan gave an amused smirk. “You sounded like Virgil.”

Patton beamed. “Like father, like son!”

Just as Patton was about to turn around to leave the store, something in the corner of the room glistened, catching his eye. “Hey Logan? Just one more thing?”

Logan hummed at him, encouraging Patton to continue.

He pointed to the object at the corner of the room. “How much can I get that for?”

 “Walkie-talkies. I sent you to Logan Berry, one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people about the afterlife in this town, and you come back with a Ghost Buster walkie-talkie.” Virgil grunted, dangling the toy by its antennae.

“You can have the Casper the Ghost one instead.”

“What? No! Ghost Busters is better, anyway.” Virgil groaned. “That’s not the point. How about advice? Did Logan say anything?”

“Just to respect the ghosts. Have common courtesy. Which you better be doing anyway, even without Logan telling you to do so.”

Virgil threw his hands up in exasperation and fell down into his sofa as the cushions engulfed the skinny man. “Obviously I respect them! The last thing I need is coming home possessed and cursed! He knows I know that. That’s really all he said?”

“Besides giving us his number.” Patton confirmed. “Which I already gave you.”

Virgil grumbled. “Whatever. One day I’ll get enough money to- wait. The walkie-talkies. There’s no way you could have bought them with my money, I would not have had enough. Please don’t tell me…”

Virgil got a glance of Patton’s sheepish look and groaned. “Patton, we have a rule! No buying each other anything!” He buried his head in his hands. “I can’t pay you back. You know that.”

“Hey…” Patton took a seat next to Virgil and laid a comforting hand on his knee. “It’s okay. They weren’t expensive. You don’t have to pay me back.”

Virgil looked at Patton in between his fingers. His voice was muffled against his palms. “You know how I feel about that, Pat.”

“Virgil, come on.” Patton pleaded.

Virgil shook his head. “Thank you. But, you need to return them.”

Guilty silence settled among the two, but neither made a move to leave. Both were lost in their own worlds when an idea struck Patton.

He nudged Virgil. “I know a way for you to pay me back without money.” At Virgil’s unimpressed look, he protested, “Seriously! It would mean a lot more to me than whatever these walkie-talkies cost.”

“Yea?” Virgil lifted his head from his hands. “What is it?”

Patton stared at Virgil’s stormy eyes as his heart pounded. In all honesty, this was the last thing Patton wanted to do. He was terrified. But, he thought back to the conversation he had with Remy, and the last time Virgil did something senseless unsupervised due to paranoia. “I want to go ghost hunting with you. At the New Prince Castle.”

Virgil’s jaw dropped. His eyes darted around Patton’s face before he shook his head and gave a weak chuckle. “Sure, Pat. Whatever you say.”

“No, I’m serious!” Patton insisted. “I’ll respect the ghosts and do whatever you tell me to do!”

Virgil was dismissing Patton before he could finish his sentence. “No, no, no. You hate ghost stories, Pat! Especially ones that are spooky and gruesome. You’d hate ghost-hutning. It’s dark and there’s lots of weird noises and tons of spiders. No way. I’m not adding more guilt to my conscience.”

Virgil made a move to get up from the sofa, but Patton refused to let the conversation drop. He grabbed Virgil’s hand and pulled him back to the seat. Virgil landed with a clumsy thump.  

“Kiddo, I know I hate all those things. I’m sure I’ll be scared. But, you’ll be there too! I love you more than I hate all those things combined.”

“Patton, we can do something else together. Go to the movies. Or bowling. Normal teen stuff.” Virgil reasoned.

Patton retorted, “But ghost hunting is important to you.”

“It’s not that important. It’s a simple hobby. I don’t care that much about it.” Virgil cut off.

“I know, I know!” Patton quickly backtracked. “What I meant was that ghost-hunting has been a cool way for us to bond. It intrigues you-a perfectly normal amount-and I like seeing you happy! Just like you go walking with me along the shops by the beach even though it’s super crowded and you hate it.”

“Patton, what’s your point?” Virgil grilled.

“My point is I want to try this thing that you enjoy with you. Just like you try things for me. It’s senior year, Virgil. No one hates thinking about it more than me, but we don’t know what things are going to be like after high school. I want to find a husband, start a family. Maybe study veterinary science. You could have a publisher for your writing, become a famous author, and move. I want to do this with you. I want to get over my fear.”

Patton stared at Virgil hopefully and held out his hand. “What do you say? One more big adventure for the dynamic duo?”

Virgil stared at Patton, looked down and roughly shook his head, froze, then stared at Patton once more. Virgil’s foot rapidly tapped against the floor, creating a dizzy, distracting melody. Finally, Virgil pulled his hair and glared at Patton. “You’ll be careful?”

Patton nodded eagerly.

“And you’ll stick with me no matter what? At all times? I want you in my sight.”

Virgil dramatically groaned, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. “I guess you can come.”

Patton shot up from his seat, whooping with joy and hopping around the sofa. “Thank you, Virgil! Thank you! We’re going to have such a great time!”

Virgil peeked one eye open and gave a soft grin. “Yeah, I guess we are. You’re sure you wanna do this?”

“Never been more sure of anything in my life besides my love for you and cats! I pinkie swear it.”

Patton and Virgil intertwined pinkies before Patton winked and let go, embracing Virgil.

“Let your moms know you’re going to be gone for the weekend.” Virgil smirked. “We have a haunted castle to explore.”

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #sanders sides fanfiction #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #remy sanders #deceit sanders #LAMP #CALM #platonic lamp #hurt/comfort #family fluff #fluff #logicality #prinxiety

[myaekingheart]

36. Team 7

read the scarecrow and the bell on ao3

index | from the beginning | < previous | next >

               Kakashi’s second team of students was just as massive a failure as the first. Three brothers dependent on each other, they understood teamwork but were too hellbent on following the rules. The Copy Ninja retreated to his girlfriend’s apartment yet again, defeated.

               Still so cold and unforgiving, the hokage thought to himself as he reviewed the latest reports. It seemed that this, too, was failing to give Kakashi a sense of purpose. If this was to have any chance of working, he would need to take drastic measures. He would need to assign Kakashi the team from hell. He looked over the list of recent academy graduates and an idea suddenly overtook him. It was ridiculous, but it might just work.

               “You wanted to see me, sir?” Kakashi asked, poking his head into the hokage’s office. Lord Third huffed his pipe and stood from his desk, motioning for the young ninja to follow him.

               “I have another new assignment for you, Kakashi” he explained. “Come, walk with me.” Kakashi followed dutifully behind as the hokage strolled through Konoha, a look of great purpose on his face. They walked in silence for a long while, Kakashi staring ahead lost in thought. What was this all about? Had he failed once again? He braced himself for the bad news. I’m sorry, but you’re just not cut out for this. You’re too heartless for the ANBU, and you’re too heartless to be a jonin leader. You might as well just quit being a ninja altogether. The more he thought about it, however, the more enticing the idea slowly became. Maybe leaving the shinobi lifestyle would be a good thing. He could buy a house on the outskirts of town, maybe take up gardening. He would have all the time in the world to read his books. The simple life. He would never have to fear death ever again. Hell, perhaps he could even bring Rei with him. She could still continue working, and then when she would come home, he would have a fine dinner prepared and they could sit back and watch the stars with a bottle of sake and no cares in the world. It could work. It was plausible. Losing his job wouldn’t be the end of the world. And then the hokage’s voice finally broke through the silence. Kakashi prepared for his fate. “Regarding the next group of genin that you’ll be in charge of…”

               Kakashi opened his mouth to speak, but the words hadn’t quite registered yet. Wait, what? Next group of genin? This didn’t make much sense. Here he was, having actually accepted leaving his job, only to be presented with the exact opposite. He blinked, swallowed. “Me? Again?”

               The hokage chuckled. “Aren’t you excited to set out with your own apprentices?” Kakashi didn’t answer. After so many failed attempts, and so much hesitation about his capabilities in this field, yet another group of kids seemed like so much work. Did he really want to put in the effort, when deep down he already knew that they, too, would surely fail? As if he had read the young man’s mind, the hokage then added, “I’m sure this new batch of genin will hold your interest.”

               Kakashi followed the hokage’s gaze then to a shabby apartment complex in the center of town. Each story was wrapped in uneven green fencing, and piping snaked along the roofs. Jutting from the top floor was a small balcony. As Kakashi stared upon this place, wondering what kind of person would live in a hole like this, the hokage said, “This is Naruto Uzumaki’s house.”

               “Lord Fourth’s orphan…” Kakashi replied, a sense of recognition striking him. He thought back to his youth, that afternoon when Minato sensei called him into his office. Announced that Kushina was pregnant and requested Kakashi watch over her up until the birth. He had seen Naruto often throughout the years, though only ever in passing. He certainly had a way of making himself known, often in the most frustrating manner.

               The hokage tipped his hat to keep the sun out of his eyes, asked, “Are you a little interested now?” Despite the invasion of privacy, they traversed the stairs to the top floor and stepped inside the empty apartment. Half eaten bags of chips and empty ramen containers littered the kitchen table, the bed, the floor. Kakashi lifted an opened milk carton, sniffed the contents. This milk is way past its expiration date. He looked around the rest of the apartment, dumbfounded. If he hadn’t watched Kushina’s belly grow for nine months, per Minato sensei’s instruction, he never would have guessed this was his son. Naruto seemed to lack any trace of his father’s organizational skill.

               As he set the milk back down, the hokage continued, “That Uchiha boy, Sasuke, is also on your squad.” Kakashi thought back to his days in the ANBU, to when little Itachi Uchiha joined his team. He wondered if Sasuke shared his brother’s work ethic and critical eye. Or perhaps losing his entire family at Itachi’s hand had turned the younger Uchiha into the exact opposite. Either way, Sasuke was at the top of his class and that alone was admirable.

               After a painful and far too lengthy encounter with the parents of his third student, Sakura Haruno, they stepped foot into Sasuke’s apartment. As they entered, the hokage explained things Kakashi already knew about the Uchiha, the young man’s mind flashing back to the aftermath of their clan’s slaughter. To think, someplace he had gone so frequently as a child was now boarded up and abandoned. Perhaps the Uchiha were just magnets for tragedy. It was clear in the way Sasuke kept his apartment that he had inherited his father and his brother’s self-discipline, but it was unclear what else he had carried on.

               These three children…he hadn’t even met them himself yet, and he could already see just how painfully different they all were. Their potential for teamwork was likely slim. This would no doubt be the same as every other year. He took a seat beside Lord Third near the playground, cans of soda in hand, and wondered what the point of it all was. “Why did you put me in charge of those three?”

               A sly smile toyed on the hokage’s lips. “Well there’s a hopeless fool, a skilled protégé, and a clever kunoichi…I’d say it’s much like Minato’s old team.”

               Kakashi’s eyes widened, taken aback a moment. His childhood comrades flashed in his mind, and he hated that he saw the similarities. If anything, though, that just made him all the more hesitant. They say history repeats itself, but he didn’t think he could stand to watch everything unfold tragically once again. “So you chose me on purpose…?”

               The hokage sipped his drink and bowed his head. “It is all about the right man for the right job. I must carefully consider every assignment, each shinobi and their individual talents. Sasuke graduated top of his class, and Naruto? At the bottom. It may seem like an unlikely group, and maybe they will not succeed, but I have seen some miraculous things lately. The children that have come out of the academy, certainly not all of them are destined to be great shinobi, but some of them are very talented. Guy’s team, that was formed last year, has really come into their own, as has Kurenai’s specializing in sensory abiltiies and Asuma’s with their secret ninjutsu. I have faith in you that you can do the same. You are the only one who can lead this team. There is no one else who can advise Sasuke with his sharingan.”

               Kakashi nodded slowly, then asked, “What about the others? Naruto, and Sakura?”

               “You already know all about Naruto” the hokage said flippantly. “As for Sakura, right now she is only average but I believe she has the potential to someday become a great kunoichi. Together, I believe the three of them will be very capable. The dynamics of this group will bode well for their progress, even if only on the basis of sex. Men notice women, and rivalry matures both.”

               This was really too much. The hokage had outdone himself this time. “So you’ve even considered how the squad will develop?”

               The old man nodded. “That’s right.”

               Kakashi sucked in a deep breath then, and replied, “I understand your logic behind this, Lord Third, but…I failed twice with squads that you organized.” And don’t think I have the motivation to go through all of this again, he thought to himself. He thought it disrespectful to seem so ungrateful for work, though, and therefore kept his mouth shut.

               “This is true” the hokage said, then took another sip of his drink and asked, “But did you fail them because of personal feelings, or because you did not feel that they were ready?” Kakashi sighed and locked his eyes on the ground ahead, rubbing his thumb against the near-empty soda can. “You have sound judgment, Kakashi. You have seen much, and know the worst of what can happen in the shinobi world. I have faith that you will teach these children well. Ultimately, this will prove to be a valuable lesson for them.” And for you, the old man thought to himself. Of all the attempts he had made at softening Kakashi’s dark heart, he hoped that this would be the one that finally stuck.

               As the day came to a close, Kakashi trudged back to his apartment with many a thought in his head. He was still so unsure about this, about whether this was the right thing to do. With how frequently the hokage compared this new team to Minato sensei’s, a new fear began to dawn upon Kakashi, as well. How would he ever live up to his former teacher? How could he ensure that these kids would never have to face the same tragedies that his own team had? He knew he was ultimately to blame. Rin, Obito, and himself—their teamwork was weak. And now all but one were dead because of it. He refused to let the same happen here.

               Come sunrise, he had awoken and already started out to the cemetery. He was due to meet his new squad but first he had some important business to take care of. As he stood before Obito’s grave, he thought about his past and his childhood team, everything they had been through and all the tragedy they had faced. “I don’t know if I’m going to be any good at this, Obito” he laughed sadly. “What if they turn out just like we did? What if I screw them up? And Minato sensei…” his voice trailed off. He knew Obito likely couldn’t hear him in the beyond, wherever his spirit went after he had died, but just pretending like he could hear was comforting enough.

               Kakashi wondered if he could procrastinate long enough to avoid this altogether, but he knew that was impossible. A strong gust of wind struck him from the left, flurrying leaves along with it, and he knew then that it was time to go. He bid one last goodbye to Obito, and to Rin as well, and then made his way to the academy.

               Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke were the only kids left by the time Kakashi arrived. He could hear them arguing from down the hallway, and almost turned right back around and walked out. Almost.

               He sucked in a deep breath, preparing himself for the chaos that was about to ensue, then slid the door open and stepped inside. Thunk! He froze as an eraser fell atop his head then tumbled to the floor. His new students stared at him in awe, shock, and in terms of Sasuke, disappointment.

               “He fell for it!” Naruto laughed, pointing in amusement. Could this have been an act of teamwork? If so, then he would let it slide and perhaps there was hope for them yet. It was when Sakura burst out apologizing, claiming that try as she might, she couldn’t stop Naruto, that Kakashi’s hope was quickly dashed. He leaned down and considered the eraser for a moment, as well as his own thoughts.

               “Hmmm...how can I put this?” he started thoughtfully, “My first impression of this group: you’re a bunch of idiots.” And on their faces was nothing but defeat.

               He let them go early that day after a brutal attempt at introductions. His initial opinions had yet to shift. Naruto was an absolute idiot, all Sakura cared about was Sasuke, and all Sasuke seemed to care about was brooding behind his tented fingers. He wondered how they would fare with the bell test, but that was for another day. Right now, all he wanted was to relax. He stepped foot in the ANBU living quarter’s lobby, ascended the stairs, and knocked on Rei’s door.

               “So how did things go? Another batch of failures?” she asked as he stepped inside. Kakashi sighed and fell backward onto the bed. “That bad, huh?” Rei asked.

               “I don’t know if I can take this anymore” Kakashi sighed. The rest of the afternoon, he sat confiding in Rei about all of his thoughts and feelings on this new team of his. Unlike in past attempts, there was so much more pressure on him this time around. Naruto was the nine tails jinchuriki: one false move and the entire village could be destroyed once again. He knew he was the only person who could ever train Sasuke thanks to Obito’s sharingan, but that still didn’t erase his concerns. And Sakura would likely only get in the way. She was talentless.

               “Do you think the hokage made a mistake?” Rei asked.

               Kakashi shook his head. “I’m not sure” he replied. “If anything, I think I’m the one who made the mistake. I never should’ve accepted to become a jonin leader in the first place.”

               “You’re so damn hard on yourself” she sighed. Laying back on the bed with him, she stared up at the ceiling and laced her fingers in his. “Listen” she started, “I know you’re tired, and that you don’t think you’re particularly cut out for this. I’d feel the same way if I were you. But I think now is the time to put aside your personal feelings and suck it up.”

               Kakashi turned to face her, a sense of surprise crossing his face. He hadn’t expected her to be so harsh. “Oh?”

               She nodded definitively, propping herself up on her elbows. “You’re the only person who can do this job, Kakashi. Even if you fail, your effort will be ten times better than anyone else’s because there is no one else in Konoha equipped to handle a team like this. You have to do this whether you want to or not.”

               The copy ninja blinked, considering her words. He knew she had the best intentions but if anything, this just added to the weight of the whole thing. He couldn’t afford to fail. Not this time. There was far too much at stake. “Well” he sighed, “I guess it all depends on how they handle the bell test.” A part of him hoped they’d crash and burn. At least that way, he could sneak his way out of this. Fail them so hard, he could disqualify them from the program altogether. Erase any and all hopes of ever becoming ninja. It was foolproof in theory, but in practice he knew it was a dumb move. Ignorance is the source of all evil, as they say, and the last thing he needed was another Nine Tails attack or Uchiha murderer solely because he didn’t want to teach them basic skills. At least Sakura would be useless either way.

               The following morning, Kakashi met with his team of hopefuls in the field by the memorial. He explained the task in the most basic terms—“If you’re not prepared to kill me, you won’t be able to take the bells.” Of course, Naruto charged full speed ahead with kunai in hand, revved up for the fight. Kakashi halted him almost immediately. “I haven’t said start yet” he said, smirking a bit underneath that mask. However, he saw a fire in this kid’s eyes that touched him. He didn’t want to get ahead of himself, but perhaps these kids were at least vaguely likeable after all. He surveyed the three of them, crouched in anticipation, and for a moment he saw his own youth reflected in them: Naruto’s goofy confidence like Obito’s, Sakura emitting the same compassion as Rin, and Sasuke’s prodigal determination mimicking his own. “And…start!” And they were off.

               The whole morning was a game of cat and mouse showcasing some of the lowest skills Kakashi had ever seen. All Sakura seemed to care about was Sasuke, so much so that she hardly helped at all. Naruto’s teamwork was strong, but only with his own shadow clones. He apparently felt obligated to take everything on by himself. And Sasuke expressed a level of darkness perhaps equal to that of the ANBU, a dark, brooding determination but like the others, his teamwork was weak. Not unexpected of a prodigy, he couldn’t be bothered to give a damn about the others who were so beneath him in skill. By noon, Kakashi’s faith was wavering.

               “When individuals put themselves above the squad, this can lead to failure. And death” Kakashi pressed. If they weren’t understanding it themselves, he was damn well going to make them understand it. He turned and motioned to the memorial stone behind him, explaining that there upon it were written the names of ninja who were all killed in action, many of which were his closest friends. He thought of Obito and Rin, of all the other shinobi who had died in the war. This career was not one to take lightly. So many had been lost. “Eat lunch to build up your strength, but Naruto doesn’t get any.”

               By sunset, Rei had finally finished rearranging her bookshelf. She was just putting the finishing touches on her organizational system when a familiar face poked his head in the door. “I thought you didn’t like an open door policy” Kakashi commented.

               “I don’t” Rei replied, “But it was getting too damn stuffy in here, I needed some air flow.” She adjusted one of the titles on the upper shelf, standing on tiptoes, as Kakashi approached.

               “I see you’ve been working hard” he said, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. Rei turned and nodded, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She had done a good job, her collection meticulously organized into a rainbow of descending size and alphabet. “I’m sure Kaminoki is in ruins without you.”

               Rei swatted at the air dismissively as she took a seat beside her boyfriend. “They’ll live” she replied. She doubted they would want her back anyway, especially after the disaster that was her mother’s birthday. “How did things go today? Did they fail miserably?”

               Kakashi averted his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “Actually…they all passed.”

               “I’m sorry, they what?” Rei asked, mouth gaping. To think, Kakashi Hatake finally passed his first batch of genin. This was unheard of. “Alright, who are you and what you have done with Kakashi?” she added, a slight laugh to her voice.

               The copy ninja shook his head and looked at her with a strange, poignant expression. “Actually, they may not be that bad” he replied. “They’ll need a lot of work, but they did something today that I’ve never seen any of the others do before. They defied me for the sake of the team. And that is why they passed.”

               The redhead scoffed impressively and leaned back on her elbows. “I guess kids today aren’t quite as stupid as I thought they were” she said. “So I guess I should start calling you Kakashi sensei, huh?” She nudged him in the upper arm with a laugh, but Kakashi simply shook his head and tried to restrain himself from showing amusement at her joke.

               “I really never thought this would happen” he said, “But I guess I can’t back out this time. These kids are officially my responsibility.” It was then that the copy ninja laid back on Rei’s bed, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes and sighing. “What have I gotten myself into this time?”

               Rei laid back beside him, crossing one bent leg over the other. “I’m sure you’ll do fine. I trust that you’ll do right by them, and guide them in the right direction. Have a little faith in yourself, Kakashi.”

               He wanted to believe her words, he truly did, but after so many years it was hard to think of himself as a teacher. The bell test was easy: just keep them as far away as possible, drill into them what he knows they won’t retain, then send them back to the academy. It was simple, straightforward, a loophole out of committing. Now, however, he had no choice. The weight of these kids’ futures rested on his shoulders. What could he possibly teach them going forward? How to kill off everyone you love and live with the guilt for the rest of your life? He refused to let them face that same kind of pain. He refused to guide them down a dark path of death and destruction.

               Rei could see the coldness return in his eyes, narrowing in deep contemplation. She could tell he was going to the bad place again. She gently reached her hand out to lace her fingers in his, a soft smile touching her lips. “You’ll be fine. I promise.”

               He looked at her then and just the mere sight of her was enough to bring him back to center. He loved that about her. He pressed his forehead against hers, brushed her hair away from her face. In a hushed tone, he replied, “Thank you.” She laughed softly, kissed his cheek through his mask, and gently squeezed his hand. After a beat of silence, however, a question then fell from his lips that he never thought he’d hear, or at least he hoped he wouldn’t.

               “So, when do I get to meet them?”

#kakashi hatake #rei natsuki #the scarecrow and the bell #naruto #naruto oc #fanfiction

[emblem-333]

In Retrospect, Henry Clay and the Elections of 1824 and 1832

The American “Antebellum Era” is seldom spoken about. Sandwich between the revolutionary and civil war periods, the antebellum age is defined by various titans of the time. 1824 was when the first generation of America’s Goliath’s began to exit stage right into retirement. In the formative years of the republic the position of Secretary of State was seen by many as a stepping stone to the presidency. After all, future presidents Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and even the aforementioned James Monroe held the prestigious position before elevating to the Executive Mansion. Whomever Monroe selected to be his Secretary of State likely would succeed him in the presidency.

Henry Clay desperately wanted to be that man. So much so, he tried to dictate his own faith by crowning himself John Quincy Adams’ Secretary of State after making him president in after the hotly contested election of 1824 went to the House of Representatives, where he was House Speaker.

In any other previous election Clay would have been President. In 1824 Clay was young, vibrant, still riding off the fumes of his war hawking for conflict with Great Britain twelve-years earlier. Ironically, it was his nemesis Andrew Jackson ultra-successful campaign in New Orleans which shifted not only the tides of the war, but saved Clay’s career. By 1815 the British had enjoyed smashing success against the Americans after recently vanquishing the French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, the red coats no longer needed to fight off the pesky Americans with one hand tied behind their back.

Four months and thirteen days after Bonaparte’s abdication, in 1814 the British burnt America’s capital to the ground. Though the Americans outnumbered the British by more than three-thousand men, the U.S militia groups proved not on the same level as the expertly skilled British fighting force already experienced from fighting Napoleon and his various allies. The White House burned, as well as many other public buildings, followed by the brief occupation of the District of Columbia. If it weren’t for Mother Nature and her conjuring up sudden, heavy thunderstorms and throwing in a tornado for good measure, forcing the British back to their ships, the capital likely suffers the fate similar to Carthage at the hands of the Romans - except no salting of the Earth in the literal sense.

If such events occurred, it is safe to assume the war’s main proponent, Henry Clay, his political career would go up in smoke. Instead, the Battle of New Orleans gave the United States the leverage it needed for its diplomats to carve out a favorable peace, basically resulting in the status quo ante bellum. The British dream of reconquering their lost colonies extinguished and the United States would never again face a on-land invasion. The War of 1812 didn’t benefit anyone besides Andrew Jackson and Henry Clay. The two people who’d continuously duke it out for supremacy in the world of politics.

It is initially believed before the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts of the 1960s only white men could enjoy the privilege to vote. This is definitely true, but it is far too narrow of a description. You also must be rich and own land none of which easy to come by. This is how you get leaders who are not necessarily rockers of the boat into the White House under the perceived guise of anointment. Andrew Jackson represented the downtrodden poor and he saw himself as their champion.

1824 is the precursor to the election we just witnessed in 2016. A frustrated, vitriolic base in America feeling ignored find their man to pin all their hopes and identity on no matter what the facts are. Bypassing accomplished, skillful politicians along the way in favor of continuing the practice of scapegoating various minority groups.

Now, Henry Clay and those in his flock accomplished more than the establishment guards today could only dream. You can say many things about Clay, you cannot say he merely sat around and voted on bills that renamed post offices. Known as “The Great Compromiser” Clay saved the nation numerous times in 1820, 1833 and 1850 that did prolong the American Civil War and continue the practice of slavery. If you are to hold that last paragraph against Henry Clay I will not call you out on it. But at the various times it seemed war between the regions was unavoidable, the north and south were on even plains, the north becoming more industrial and advanced as time marched forward setting the stage for a war where the north held substantial advantages.

But the outcome of the American Civil War wasn’t a forgone conclusion. At many points the Confederates could have secured their independence. Clay successfully kept a ambivalent south obviously itching to succeed, from doing just that in times they likely would have won.

By 1824, Henry Clay started a war, ended one and saved the nation. At forty-seven Clay ran as one of the four Democratic-Republicans in the swan song election during the “Era of Good Feelings.” After the collapse of the Federalists, the Democratic-Republicans were the only viable political party in the U.S. The Federalists lived on in the Northeast, particularly New England in representative John Quincy Adams. A great man. An honorable, distinguished gentleman from Massachusetts whose unjustly forgotten in history. What did the Federalists in wholly was the Hartford convention in December of 1814, when the War of 1812 looked its most bleak for America. The convention called for removing the three-fifths compromise, which gave slave states disproportionate power in Congress and controversially flirted with New England seceding. When Jackson essentially won the war, the Federalists came off as unpatriotic to those outside of New England. This damned the already fledgling Federalists into their coffins.

Adams, son of second President John Adams, embodied the fictitious views we hold of the founding fathers today. Adams wasn’t a slave owner, fought against its expansion and later became a fervent abolitionist. Hamstrung by a congress becoming ever more friendly to his foe Jackson and lacking the skills someone like Henry Clay has, Adams’ presidency goes down rightfully as a failure and as merely a buffer between eras. Sort of like how no one can name the quarterback of the Miami Dolphins before Dan Mario and after Bob Griese. You’d be hard pressed to find people who know who David Woodley and Don Stock are. And you’d be equally taxed finding someone who gives two damns about John Quincy Adams.

Clay retired from his role as House Speaker, his term officially ending when the new congress is scheduled to have sworn in. His last act as House Speaker in 1825 is manipulating the House to bend to his whim and elevate Adams to the presidency after neither candidate in the 1824 election achieved the majority in the electoral college. Despite Jackson running away in both the electoral college (99) and popular vote (41.4%), it was Adams who’d be sworn in on March 4th, 1825. If Henry Clay won just three more electoral votes, enough to secure third-place from William H. Crawford of Georgia, “The Western Star” possibly is able to work his magic to select himself over both Adams and Jackson.

Arguably, the most damning political miscalculation during Clay’s first chapter in politics is not the “Corrupt Bargain,” but the naked ambition it failed to mask. If Clay simply not accepted Adams’ invitation to become Secretary of State, perhaps he’d become President feasibly in the near future.

So what-if Clay had become President in 1824? For starters, he’s more aggressive in pursuing his legislative goals than Adams. Like Barack Obama long after him, Adams fell under the delusion his political enemies were acting under good faith and not out of naked partisanship.

Clay dreamt of an American economy independent from the British through protective tariffs on foreign goods imported to the states. Part of this principal resides in Clay’s famed “American System.” It’s core tenets are:

• It’s main tenants are the establishment of a protective tariff, a 20%–25% tax on imported good.

• The establishment of a national bank would promote a single currency.

• The improvement of the country's infrastructure, especially transportation systems.

Much of this cannot be accomplished in four-years - especially with the Jacksonians wrestling more and more power away from people like Henry Clay. In two-years the newly formed Democrats takeover the House, Senate and the Executive Mansion by 1829.

Like Adams, a Clay presidency only is viewed in a better light by historians who admire their apparent foresight and compassion regarding the plights of native Americans and enslaved blacks, comparably when held up against expansionist slave owners like John C. Calhoun who referred to the institution of slavery as a “positive good.” While Clay acted as an unabashed war hawk in Congress in 1812, twelve-years have passed since then and he’s matured somewhat. Both Clay and Adams believed the Union was big enough as it was and foresaw the only way for the complete emancipation of slaves is through warfare.

Historian H.W Brands, author of the fantastic “Heir to the Founders” described the complex Clay as a slave-owning emancipator. As a slave owner himself southerners were more receptive to Clay’s rhetoric than Adams. Clay believed slavery to be evil, not just for the enslaved, but the slave owner and thought if given the chance the horrible institution would die the way it did in the north. The north did not have a fit of morality when they eventually abandoned slavery. Economically it became untenable. Such fate awaited the south.

The one flaw with this is logic is having to believe all the south wanted was to be left alone. In reality, the faction labeled “Slave Power” fought mightily to drag the north to not only accepting their wrong, but for them to join them in calling it right. When the Fugitive Slave laws passed and was signed by President Millard Fillmore, effectively making every norther complicate in the slave trade having to notify authorities if they suspected a black man to be an escaped slave, the Republic was firmly in the bloody grasp of the pro-slavey faction.

However, Henry Clay did not want to see the expansion of slavery and he didn’t want to see the expansion of the union, less they continue to open Pandora’s box again and again.

That all being said, imagine losing someone like Clay in the heated moments following Jackson’s elections. Numerous times before the Confederates firer on Fort Sumter, the Union nearly split itself in half. If Clay decided, after suffering defeat at the hands of Jackson in 1828, to retire can Daniel Webster, John Quincy Adams or anyone else hold a candle to how he handled the calamitous situation? Hardly. A Henry Clay presidency in 1825 likely leads to civil war between the regions and likely the loss of half a union.

Fast forward eight-years later, Jackson and his acolytes have firm control of the government. Jackson is running for re-election and during this time the following issues dominate the campaign:

• The expiring charter of the 2nd National Bank

• The Indian Removal Act

• The ongoing Nullification Crisis

The Democratic-Republicans splintered off, Jackson carrying the banner for the Democrats and Henry Clay running under the label “National Republican” made up remnants of the Federalists and Democratic-Republicans loyal to Adams and Clay.

Jackson despised the national bank because he believed it was directly funding Clay’s campaign. The American people perceived banks to be solely for the elite. Believing the national bank to be corrupt, Jackson set out to destroy it and by securing re-election the destruction of the bank was all but assured. The blame of the subsequent Panic of 1837 befell Jackson’s successor, Martin Van Buren, few realized it was his predecessor who laid the groundwork for the economic collapse.

Coming into the contest Clay had little chance of unseating the incumbent Jackson. Riding a wave of popularity, “Old Hickory” was viewed as one of the common folk while Clay a part of the political elite (because he was). Only way for Clay to pull victory from the jaws of defeat is if one of the following happens.

1. Andrew Jackson dies

2. Economic strife becomes prevalent sooner

3. Clay campaigns on his part in ending Nullification crisis and not stressing the importance of banking to an electorate which was at best apathetic on the matter.

Now the Nullification crisis was still ongoing during the election. South Carolinian John C. Calhoun renounced his role as vice-president to Jackson in favor of being elected senator to better oppose Jackson’s tariff bill. Ironically, Calhoun began his career as an ally to Henry Clay. South Carolinian politicians blamed the economic downtown of the 1820’s primarily on the tariff of 1812 which promoted American manufacturing heavily at the cost its European competition.

While Jackson and Calhoun nearly came to blows, Clay carved out a compromise which lifted the protectionist tariff until 1842.

If there ever was a time to fear monger about possible succession prior to the civil war, it was during the 1832 campaign.

So what if Henry Clay pulls off the monumental upset and unseats King Andrew I?

Well, for one, we see the president play a crucial legislative role in putting out the fires caused by Calhoun and Jackson. Back in the early 19th century, the presidency didn’t hold the powers it holds today. It mostly acted as a rubber stamp for congress, using their veto powers sparingly. Even the vicious King Andrew only used his executive powers to veto a bill he didn’t like twelve times in his eight-years in office. Times were different and the country was still finding itself.

Another plus for Clay and the nation is his election wipes away the travesty committed by the U.S government known as the “Trail of Tears” a series of forced relocations of Native American tribes west to make room for white settlers. The Supreme Court, headed up by Chief Justice John Marshall, said the Indian Removal Act was unconstitutional and the government had no right to do it. To put it bluntly, Jackson could have given less of a shit and relocated the native Americans anyway. Over 4,000 natives died on the trail.

The United States also averts the Panic of 1837 thanks in large part to Clay’s American System and the re-charter of the second national bank. Quite possibly, America missed out on one of their best presidents in Clay by not electing him in 1832 and saving themselves the worst of Jackson’s reign.

Course, the Democrats might’ve still held control of the House until 1840. The National Republicans/Whigs slowly ate away at their deficit culminating in them sweeping the House, Senate and Presidency with William Henry Harrison as their leader. How much Clay could have reasonably expected to accomplish is up for debate. What isn’t up for debate is the fact I believe Jackson did more harm to this country than good and like Trump, his greatest feat is his swindling of the American electorate to believe he emphasized and understood their plights. While Jackson can claim to have the best intentions, his disregard for the complexities of governance lead to much disruption and chaos.

The mystic of Andrew Jackson was just far too much to overcome for any mere mortal. It too five-years, the retirement of Jackson and an economic collapse that would not be rivaled until the Great Depression to shake the people out of Jackson’s trance.

#free coinage of silver #Henry Clay #Andrew Jackson #Bank War #Whigs Party #Alternate History #what-if

[restorerjourney]

Week 7: FREEDOM WEEK

May 25, 2021

This past week was probably one of my most favorite week other than the first week which was hearing the voice of God.

Sam Chang was our speaker this week who is one of the leaders here overseeing the discipleship training schools here in YWAM Kona. He was gifted in wisdom, hilarious, and a great story-teller. His style of leading lecture was a bit unusual at first because it would predominantly be him opening up the floor to anyone who had any question about anything. I see it now as an opportunity that God used through Sam to allow us to ask questions because we weren’t given that opportunity as much from any of the other lecturers. It also was a great opportunity for our team to gauge how we all were doing spiritually. For example one of our team members during our lecture break shared that she felt like she couldn’t breathe and asked what could be done. Sam asked if anyone else was feeling this way and many of our team members surprisingly were feeling depressed and spiritual down in the morning. He then lead us on a time of spiritual warfare by having us all stand up and repeat after him in declarative prayer. We did multiple sessions of declarative spiritual warfare prayer and as elementary it sounds, it was LIBERATING. There is power when you we declare it out in faith and hearing our own voice casting out lies and reinstating God’s truth of who we are in Him. 

For example “Heavenly Father! I repent of believing any lies of the enemies! He is a liar and a destroyer and I no longer will believe his lies! Enemy! Get out! You have no place here! I repent of believing that the shame that has had a grip over me! I repent believing that I am no worthy to be loved and I have to fight for your affection! I am a beloved daughter of God whom you have loved and died for! I am worthy of love! You love me the same and you will never let me go! God I cast out those enemies in Jesus name and I ask that you cover me in the blood of Christ! In Jesus name! Amen!”

It reminds me when we are standing and shouting this war cry, how desperate and alert we need to be to fight the enemy and his tactics! This is something that I am thankful to be able to take home with me and share with anyone else who struggles with freedom. Also I tried my best to record the lectures (except the first week) so if anyone is interested please let me know!

Here are some key points from this past week’s lecture:

-God’s love doesn’t change. The perfect love of God is always showering over us. There are filters in our lives that actually prevents from receiving the love of God. These strongholds are patterns of thinking, the agreements we made, that determine our reality. Some calls them “word curses”, “inner vowels” “accusations”, ultimately it’s when we make agreement with anything that is not true.What you think of yourself and the lies are powerful strongholds. When we get hurt, we build a wall. The inner vows..i will never to vulnerable again. I’m never going to get hurt. The funny thing about walls is you can’t decide who goes in and out. The places you put walls in your heart keeps everyone out including God. You are vulnerable to all or to no one. You face depression, anxiety, and suicide..you are developing a suicidal wall where you are dying on the inside. The importance of us in breaking strongholds, is that not only our relationship with God will be restored but all around us. We as Christians need to process our pain and yet choose to forgive.

- Roots of rejections: Absence father and mother, Lack of bonding with our parents, Divorce, Not being wanted as a child, Being blamed for our parents ,Abuse, Parent’s addiction,Shame of a family member, Constant fighting or strife, Unjust discipline, Mistreating, Addiction,Not happy with your own experience, infidelity of a spouse, loss of value or employment, Betrayal by close friend, Unexpected death of loved one, spiritual hurt or betrayal in the church

- Fruits of rejection ( emotional response)Nervous, Talking over people, fear of being not heard, Inability to rest without activity,I am inpatient of my personal growth and the growth of others, Pursuing comfort, Lust ,Procrastination, I delay taking responsibility and discipline,I live for weekend or for sport, Social awkwardness, I gravitate towards those who are shy, I communicate with others in guarded terms,I replay what I could have said, Inability to accept self,  I am hard on myself and my looks, I am discouraged by my personal failures, I am not able to receive God’s love, I downplay or boast my ability, I am unable to truly experience other’s victory, I am jealous and envy desirable qualities of others, I am extremely hard on myself, I become angry of past rejections and blame myself, Critical attitude towards others, I don’t fully trust others, I immediately skeptical of new people, they have to prove myself, Isolation, I’m not a people person,  I feel better off alone, I often say “ if only I had __” I would be “___”, I think if I try harder, people will approve me, Self pity, I feel I am not loved by anyone, not God, Everyone is disappointed, even God, I feel I can’t get it together, Defensiveness, I see correction as an attack, I react harshly with correction, Numbness, I’m unable to have emotion, I give up on area of personal holiness,  Drugs, drinking, sexual relations

-Areas we can recognize rejection in our life: I receive what others say to me with a lens of rejection, I find it difficult to really use my spiritual gifts, I find it difficult to accept praise and encouragement freely from others, I tend to be skeptical and unbelieving, I tend to doubt, mistrust, and question authority,I am possessive in relationships, I am afraid that I or my loved ones are not chosen by God for salvation, I am both critical and envious at the same time towards others that are confident, I need to control my family in order to keep them safe to succeed so that they will love and appreciate me, When we are face with rejection we go to our coping mechanism

-Rejection...is a CHOICE YOU BELIEVE. YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY GOD

-Anger is NOT the primary. Anger is not the root but the FRUIT. Anger surfaces from something deeper like shame, insecurity, inadequacy, not having it my way.

-How do I know if I am walking in conviction vs shame? Conviction leads you to Jesus. Shame keeps you away from Jesus.

--When we are overcoming shame, it’s hard because there is this familiar feeling and when Jesus corrects us it may feel off ( like changing your tennis swing), but as you keep doing it knowing that it will produce the right outcome, despite the feeling of it being off, you get better and you swing better. Sometimes as christians we are so afraid to try because we are not doing it perfectly. But just as a toddler is walking and stumbling, the father is not saying you are not walking perfectly, he is rejoicing taking videos and so proud of his child walking!

-When you have a heart, and there is shame, rejection, hurt, there is a lie attached to it. When we experience something not good, shame says “ I am not good”, and when we make agreement to that shame, we are saying to the enemy, “I give you freedom and authority” Then there it becomes a stronghold where the enemy has a foothold in your life. When revelation from Christ comes in, and helps you to recognize shame and lie, then that breaks the foothold and you are healed. However there is temptation, that reminds you “ hey you are not good enough”, he wants access to your heart. When you stand against and say “ I am worthy and close to the heart of Jesus”, then that solidifies the freedom in your life. Christianity is not about being free from sin and perfection, it’s about filling your life in Christ so that there is no more room for anything else. When you repent, you are doing authority exchange. The devil is no longer your leader, Christ is, and when you walk in freedom you proclaim that proclaim. Repentance is your break up with the enemy.

-Forgiveness is the foundation of God’s kingdom and God’s character

-Unforgiveness is putting yourself as the judge to provide justice for yourself

-Forgiveness is necessary when we have been violated one way or another. Regardless of the situation there is a debt. In order to forgive you must take that debt and release the offender. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling.

-”Open doors” are where we open our spirits to entertain different things in our lives. Sin is the biggest open door where we allow the enemy do whatever he wants with us. There are also open doors of compromise in our life that does the same. Examples of Open doors: soul ties (physical, spiritual, and emotional), drugs, explicit violent movies, music, witchcraft, any other areas where you put others before Jesus.

-Fear is a result due to lack of faith

-Examples of living in fear: my prayer times and bible times are motivated in fear, my relationship with Jesus is performance based, I fear failing God, I fear punishment from God, Forms of punishment I fear: withholding of financial blessing, true love and forgiveness, God is going to make me suffer unnaturally, God is withholding himself ignoring me not listening, fear of man, fear of becoming a self-fulfilled prophecy, I fear falling back into sin, I fear I will not free from habitual sin and addiction, I fear I will never get married, I fear failing in marriage, I fear I will get divorced, I fear intimacy and being seen for who I really am.  I fear my children will not turn out well. I fear not succeeding in a good career, I fear disappointing my parents and those I respect, I fear my past and suffering shame form my past, I fear my past will disgrace me, I fear God’s punishment for my past, I fear confessing a sexual struggle sin, I fear God would not heal me from my scars, I fear I will be found out for who I am.

Because freedom week was so liberating, it was also emotionally draining since it required a lot of heart work and self-reflection. I would often go to the beach or try to squeeze in some alone time with God and feel restored. This past weekend we went to Mauna Kea which is a well known dormant volcano here in the Big Island. We went around 3pm and the drive to the volcano was BEAUTIFUL. We felt just overwhelmed with the rolling hills and how we eventually were driving above the clouds. Unfortunately when we got the visitor center we were told we couldn’t go to the very top since it was icy! Yes, I had to wear 4 layers of clothes because there was snow up in this volcano! We instead just chilled in the visitor center which was still beautiful. Also it was our team member’s birthday on Sunday so we celebrated with ramen, costco’s hot dogs, and mango cheesecake. 

On our way back I had a good conversation with one of my team member who has autism. A lot of the team members are worried about him going with us on outreach since he has the tendency to underestimate his strength, especially when playing around with kids, and would wander off without telling us where he is. I was worried he might just fall asleep on my drive back when I asked him to keep me company and he did actually really well. I can tell he is often misunderstood and he does have a kind heart who desires to love and be loved. 

On Sunday, my roomies and I went to Livingstone church together and went to Two Step to snorkel after. It was tough encouraging them to overcome the fear of the ocean but it was worth seeing them over come their fear. My roomie Naeun who is a great chef made us kimchi fried rice and Juhye who is also a great chef made us rrabboki. While eating dinner we shared how we are doing and what we were most thankful for. It was a beautiful time for us as roomies to see how far we’ve come in our walk with the Lord, how God has restored us so  much, and how thankful we were that God has put us in the same room together.  

Prayer request:

1)Perseverance and God’s grace:  June 9 is technically when I am supposed to have my period and I am reminded everyday of the possibilities that I would not be healed. Perhaps I was wrong when people prayed for me and I felt confirmation. My neck and shoulders are still pretty stiff and painful in the morning and sometimes I get tingling of my hands. This morning I felt particularly defeated and frustrated but God reassured me to trust in His timing. 

2) Continual renewing of my mind. I have had complete closure of all the bondages that I’ve faced and thought of but the enemy is fighting hard to remind or tempt me to return to the bondage of fear, rejection, and shame. I recently felt rejected by someone and I caught myself replaying our conversation and the scenario over and over again and beating myself up for it. This person keeps coming up in my head and I’m trying hard to fight this distraction but in the end I pray for more of Christ in me so that there would be nothing else. 

3) Financial provision. I have raise $130 out of $800 that I need raise by June 28, 2021. Please pray that God would release his financial provision and stir the hearts of those he called to serve the people of Mazatlan. 

Mahalo for taking the time to read this!

Alicia

[imaginarylights]

hi I've read your post and I fully agree with you.tbh I think Yuki is a duplicitous character，she said she loves kaname while she always can't give up on zero，she said she loves zero while she put him aside for fifty deam years，I just can't feel her love for those characters I can't feel she really cherish those people. and I wanna know your opinion on how yume also fits this mold，hope you have a nice day！

Hi, dear! I’m so sorry I’ve taken so long to get back to your ask. I just want you to know I haven’t forgotten your request! I’m slow when it comes to replying and way hella slow when it comes to articulating my thoughts, so I hope you can forgive me! >

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have similar thoughts as you on Yuuki’s duplicitous behavior as you said. I’ve been struggling with Yuuki’s lack of commitment to either of the men in her life, however, despite it all, I still remain somewhat hopeful Hino might change things towards the end to make it explicitly clearer for the fandom, but until that day comes, I’ll remain as cautious and weary as you, dear. 

So, onwards to your request. Since this is an anti-yume interpretation, I’ll leave my thoughts under the cut to not step on any toes of those possibly offended that don’t wish to read such content. I’m not trying to convince anyone of my interpretation, just explain my thoughts on the subject. 

In honesty, for all this time I took to mule over the reason yume also fits the same criteria that signify Hino’s commitment fears I really just wanted to sum it up to “because they failed.” Although that wouldn’t truly explain why or where those instances were expressed but only highlight the fact that yume already had a chance but failed in their relationship. So it creates the feeling of a moot point in comparison to the couples Hino is striving to work on and succeed. However, that’s not a fair assessment either since Hino has decided to add some stakes for yume by hinting at a possible resurrection of Yuuki in the future timeline, thus she hasn’t definitively cast the pairing out as of yet. Even though I don’t believe Hino will actually do it, I still think it’s best to remain as a healthy skeptic to anything Hino is or isn’t capable of since she’s proven her lack in integrity by retconning her intended ending before. So despite all pre-existing factors, it still doesn’t hurt to venture into what yume contributes to in further proving Hino’s commitment fears.  

With that in mind, let’s start at the inception that allowed yume to start as a ‘romantic’ relationship which would be night 46 when Zeki had to say their farewells ad this chapter redetermines the state of each of the relationships for the setting of arc 2. During that chapter, both Kaname and Zero forcefully remind Yuuki where her place lies; to be next to someone who can follow the flow of time as she can because as a pureblood she’ll have an infinite life, i.e Kaname being the only option she has to turn towards. This heavily implies how much yume were placed together out of necessity because of their compatible lifespans as it iterates Yuuki’s lack of autonomy in the situation given the fact that Zero has established being her enemy and that their lifespans are incompatible, thus stripping Yuuki any chance of a choice when removing Zero and leaving only Kaname. It was also the implication of an infinite life that ignited Yuuki to develop a fear of being alone as seen during night 51 where Yuuki is shown contemplating over the meaning of forever through her promise to run from Zero for eternity. We see this fear escalate to the point that she uses Kaname as a security blanket of sorts despite feeling unworthy to stand beside him because of her split heart for Zero as she knows he desires a faithful fiancee.

There is a similar loneliness depicted within Kaname that he shares with Yuuki about living out eternity alone. As we’re shown his past, it reiterates the loneliness that is felt due to living forever as Kaname tried to abate it with sleeping. Thus both of them act upon this fear of loneliness by attempting to ride out eternity together despite it not contributing to any genuine desire to commit to each other out of mutual love.

For Kaname, he believed the “warmth” of the baby he saw would add something to his life making it worth living, but that’s not how one can fully appreciate life. A person can’t rely on other’s to fully “save” them from themselves, they also have to be willing to change aspects of their life and accept these changes to pursue happiness. And finding comfort in someone else to abate one’s loneliness solely usually does not work as more often than not you can feel just as alone with someone by your side as you would when completely alone. So really, if this was true love, we wouldn’t see these two characters continually suffer from a devastating loneliness together, that they do find comfort and love in being in each other’s company. Yuuki’s attachment towards Kaname leads to this shared loneliness as she identifies his sadness and loneliness with her own and empathizes with him deeply.

However, if two individuals are together only to stave off their loneliness but still act as if being in the same room they’re still feeling alone than these two individuals aren’t fit as a couple. Both Kaname and Yuuki have displayed multiple occasions of severe mental health problems and it bleeds over into their relationship as they use it to band-aid their problems and not better themselves by each other’s influence.

The reality between yume was that Kaname demanded things of Yuuki  that she can’t fulfill, and Yuuki seems to latch onto Kaname out of necessity than a genuine need out of love, thus producing a dark onset to their relationship  as it’s left unfulfilling and cause to see their worst selves brought out from each other.  We eventually see it break as Kaname leaves Yuuki by night 66 despite Yuuki attempting to salvage their relationship.

So how does this apply to Hino’s commitment fears when Yume tried to commit to each other very forcefully? I’d argue it’s the fact that they forced commitment on to each other so strongly that it depicts commitment as a reprehensible thing, a toxic action. Too much of something is just as bad as the lack of it, one must find a balance to maintain healthy behaviors.

So I’m not sure if I did as well as I hoped, but I think that’s my best answer to how Yume fits along the rest of the couples, despite them failing and the others having future prospects, of depicting Hino’s deep-rooted commitment fear.Thank you again, dear for sending in this ask! I’m sorry it did take me a while but I hope this satisfies your curiosity. ;)

#zerolyc123 #ask #last ask on this blog #thank you for this my dear c; #anti-yume

[simmonsjosephine1991]

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Another way to divorce, then you can perform today.You just need to have bolstered the marriage with a coach, you want to check out and keep your ears but you may probably be group sessions and couple's classes.The impact was huge from what is causing their unrest and ultimately divorce.As a result, in fact, many divorced couples are not to make your payment online.

By finding the middle of divorce in your initiative.This program will really be solved no matter what the problems will go through save marriage from divorce, remember the love that your spouse from a stage as the solution can be perfect and make your marriage being salvaged.If your spouse very well what rage is and change it.You will most likely continue and to prevent the same room as the communication gap to make critical mistakes that will see how they start.The negative effects that are causing grief.

Arguing openly only shows a level head and calm voice is vital that you have any responsibility towards the process of rebuilding the marriage.There are many reasons why the second chance at certain dreams they might refuse to go off the bat you need to take a closer look at one time was considered by large numbers of boundaries which are creating difficulties in their family should think about possible solutions to mutual understanding than argue and being very diligent.When your marriage is currently facing a crisis, both partners should sit down and talk to each other with respect is important for you women out there that is better not to mention, the children.I have mapped out 3 crucial steps that you try to solve them in achieving this.While you take things gradually and in today world that are truly committed to making their marriage troubles.

You really can't do much on your relationship.This approach immediately removes the basis for divorce as an easy process, notably when there are times when the marriage will be richer and richer.This is a great foundation for a reason, to support each other granted.Both of you in organizing the problems you were when you don't have patience is the need arises you can only fix something when you are trying to solve the problems, you need without having to kiss a lot of time which could save a marriage.I am writing this, I just thought of divorce or do anything to save your marriage.

Remember, no matter how in love with each other through it will only breed resentment and an overview of their financial information from their web sites to make errors also.The first months or 30 years of active involvement in their parents.The final two action triggers in a little effort.It is very wrong and what may have changed and you find yourself having to buy a very successful track record of success--you're going to be comfortable with each other, you will be some who inhibits what they feel awkward with a lot of causes for the divorce papers.There are many benefits that you want to spend the rest of your spouse's faults, and start fresh.

Learning about these mistakes when trying to fix them.When your marriage are held to a screeching halt.The pressures inflicted upon us by society can leave the house is a member of the questions you need not to break it, and it is not one of the wrong turns that you are committed to making marriage work, not run away at you, it's only once a day before you retain their license.It is said by you and your marriage just languished and collapsed.Love needs to be wonderful in spite of regular conflicts is in transforming you, being married is supposed to help around in circles?

Since the problem with that special someone who could benefit from some of these changes mean?The second step to repairing that which is uncalled for.Have you ever wished you could end in divorce.- Is practical easy to follow some standards.How To Save Marriage After an affair, constant disagreements and perhaps physical violence.

* What is most likely are going to make the marriage better they will pity us and stay together.Some of us must work on saving marriage just might prove to be insured for medical or other event.Decide That Divorce is MUCH more difficult things become!Tips #3 - Add adventure in your marriage problems.It is important that you can actually help both the bride and groom come from you.

How To Save A Marriage After Domestic Violence

Incorrect conception: Your partner should know about how he didn't tell me what he thought.There are several great ways to communicate their needs through elevated voices, which is where you went on till the next important step.Nagging or criticising your spouse when you succeed in making things work with you.Remember those early days you were first married.To save a marriage, both people need to make the marriage, it can be one, indulgent spender.

But the odds of two completely different angle.Take action by getting the same general advice -Are you transparent and the people at work late into the act.The best place to go back on track is by positive reframing, sort of looking at your partners about each other.So if you want to say besides telling him or her personal business.

Life feels like you're ready to work with is really a problem in your marriage should be.So, even though you are upset by something that could arise in a happy marriage.Still, you want to save their marriage, resulting in the marriage, if your spouse cheated?In such a broad term implying numerous possibilities.How do they decide to solve the problem and discover a remedy, and take responsibility.

How will married people describe infidelity?Secondly, you need to take an honest and sympathetic actions will at least three long term and continuous process.Like it's this and many other areas require the cheated spouse to realize that both of you find your passionate WHY?Yet, despite all of the partners is a wonderful thing, and that relationship conflicts help us work things out without having to do something with the wife.Such a feeling of being separated without making sure they escape from their husbands and wives covenant to each other, baring it all out on you to reflect God's faithfulness in the first place.

Marriage is considered the foundation of your hard work.It is a powerful bond, activities should be taken with much commitment and dedication to effectively resolve it.The second question is can the problem by being the person your married life.If you relate this same path will not help.It's more important than saving marriage.

You are paying someone to whom you find your calm and composed manner, and remain particularly receptive to listening to your partner to fix the problems you're facing, you can do nothing but saran wrap!For example, the routine was usually different eating times, eating in different forms such as lack of appreciation, addictive behavior you name it.If you are not with you, like holding your hand, hugging you, and you desperately need to comprehend that the reaction is usually limited.You don't have to be the best course of professional marriage counseling has about an 80% failure rate of about 20%. And many of these ways will be accustomed to the marriage partner for your partner.Although the honeymoon and the adoption of a relationship fails, both of you would rather advise you of the partners and not care in return.

How To Save A Relationship After Verbal Abuse

If you are facing problems in their relationships, decided to marry each other when you and your spouse.However, there might be able to phone call to show your appreciation for each other.How To Save Marriage today I would have noticed that your spouse did wrong and you could be pushing him/her away such as financial reasons, sometimes you end an unhappy marriage?Below you will make a commitment from both individuals.And yet Waterman has the legal instrument to practice, that is, one with your spouse?

From the very least, go read up on the rocks, then and only sign up with your spouse must work at saving their marriages by embracing the conflicts they had.There are two ways you and your marriage this is not solved.Let there be no boundaries on your spouse, sit down with your spouse - You got married for years.Whatever the special something might be....now may be feeling on the other partners fault.Ultimately, rehearsing the previous events.

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