#feeling v proud of my progress lately <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

piteouspeculiarity · 3 years

Text

Defining Home: Extended Author's Note

Warning: This might contain spoilers for the series

(For clarity, when I say 'Tommy' etc in this post, I'm talking about the characters from my fics, not the content creators themselves.)

So it's done, huh? This note will include the sappy shit, the fun facts, then some of the more serious stuff, because I just didn't want to add an essay to the end of that chapter.

First of all, thank you all for the support along the way. Defining Home is easily my most popular series of fics I’ve ever written and I’ve been writing fanfic for years now. The comments and the kudos and the bookmarks were so very validating when I was new to the fandom, and still are. Hell, people have gifted me fics and written related fics to Defining Home, which blows my tiny mind. I haven’t gotten the chance to read a lot of them yet (procrastination I know thy name), but when I do, I’ll be leaving my best comments in thanks <3

I'll be honest, when I posted the first chapter of Enough, I never expected it to turn into what it did.

That first chapter was written in my phone notes at 3am, hours before an exam. I hadn't interacted with the fandom at all at that point, didn't even have a Tumblr for it, but boy oh boy did I get a warm welcome.

The point is, that first chapter was a very spur in the moment thing, mainly consisting of one scene I couldn't get out of my head (Tommy on a train to Wilbur's). I've gotten a few people telling me since then that they wished that they could write as well as I can, which is a huge compliment, but every person can write a fic like Enough. There are things that we all struggle with when it comes to writing: dialogue, prose, starting scenes - I have my own things I struggle with, things you might have noticed, things you might have not. You don't have to be a perfect writer to tell a story, especially in fandoms, where betas are easy to come across.

Write your story, even if its just for yourself. Posting that chapter gave me the chance to make new friends and I'll never stop being grateful for that.

One of those friends is Kat, who I've mentioned a couple times in the author's notes, but who honestly, I owe a lot to. Kat has encouraged me and been one of the main motivators to write this fic when I felt like it would never be finished, or that I'd never live up to other people's expectations. Sometimes, that meant motivating in some weird ass ways, but hey, it worked.

People who know me in discord servers might know that I'm a simp for Kat and it's damn true. Kat, I love you, you've improved my life more than you know in the last couple months and you deserve so, so much happiness.

In fear of love reciprocation from Kat, we'll move swiftly on to the more fun side of things.

Anyone feel like fun facts? You might already know some of these because I tend to overshare in author's notes, but I'm pretty sure some of them are new to all of you.

Barney the dog? Named after my own late labrador, who I love very much and loved to jump in lakes and need rescuing, time and time again.

I had no plans in moving Tommy in with Techno, hell, I had no plans in Techno moving to England at all. It was as much of a surprise to me as it was to everyone else when he told Tommy the news, but I latched onto the idea and ran with it. I think it worked out okay, in the end.

Techno has a draw in his bedroom full of parenting books, most of which were stolen from Phil.

After Tommy asked for help about what to do with Dream, Wilbur sent Dream a dm telling him he better not fuck anything up and if he did, Wilbur would not hesitate to humiliate him in front of millions of people. It was unnecessary, of course, but Dream was definitely a bit more cautious about what he said when he listened to Tommy’s explanation.

Some of my favourite things about writing Defining Home:

The Tesco v Asda discourse. Look, some of you just need to accept that Asda is the superior shop and get off your Tesco stanning bullshit. /j

The offers I would get for new chapters, some honourable mentions being newborns, siblings, diamonds and kidneys.

Now, I know that as much as I tried to, I won't have managed to include everything that everyone wanted from Defining Home, whether that's certain confrontations or scenes, I am sorry if I haven't included.

I don't imagine myself writing any more in the series, not because I think there isn't more I could write about, but because as a whole it feels complete to me, and any added oneshots I write would disturb that.

Right now Defining Home feels well rounded in a way that I'm proud of. The minute I realised that Enough was going to turn into a series I planned out how I wanted it to work. Maybe its just the maths part of my brain, but I like how there's three fics, with three chapters in each and how Tommy heals as you progress throughout the series.

My aim for the series was for the tone to get lighter as you went through, because yes, things kept happening (confrontation with dad, beach incident etc) but the point was that Tommy dealt with those things in different ways that he would have earlier on in the series. I have lots of thoughts and lots of emotions about how he felt safe enough with his family to experience nightmares and such. I made an effort in The Truth Behind Family to include more fluff, especially in the last two chapters, because I think it’s important to show that yeah, his parents’ abuse effected him, but it didn’t dictate how he lived his life.

Like yes, I could write about their first Christmas together, for example, and add it onto the series, but I don’t think that I’d be able to do the rest of the series justice in that. Defining Home is largely about what the title implies, Tommy discovering what words like ‘home’ and ‘family’ mean beyond what he’s been told he’s stuck with and I believe that by the end of the series, he’s been successful in that.

I'm so proud of the characters I wrote, Tommy in particular, for how far they've come in Defining Home, but I think that in a way, it’s time for me to let them go.

That’s not to say I’m done with writing for sbi! Hell no!

I have a couple long fics in the works and a one shot I’m working on. The main fic I’m excited to focus on now Defining Home is finished is heavy heart, heavy head, heavy hero which, to put it simply, is an sbi royalty au, where unfortunate circumstances mean Tommy is forced to become King. It’s going to be a little more plot focused than Defining Home was and I am so very pumped to give it my full attention instead of leaving that lonely one chapter on AO3 like I have been doing.

I was 🤏close to making a Discord server, but ultimately decided I’m much more suited to causing chaos on other people’s servers than running my own. I think at this point the karma would be too great to even consider making my own server, so if you’d like to talk to me on Discord, keep an eye for me on other people’s servers - I mainly lurk, but I’m pretty active on one or two :D

On a more serious note, Defining Home deals with some heavy topics and I’ve had comments tell me that they relate to Tommy’s situation and wish that they had their own found family to run to.

This Tumblr post has a list of phone numbers and places you can contact if you need help or want someone to talk to. Saying that, I recognise that a list as long as that can be daunting, so feel free to shoot me a message and I can either help you find the right one for you, or keep you company for a bit if you need it.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have our own found family, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t forever, or that you’re alone. My dms and ask box are always open if you want someone to talk to.

Keep yourselves safe <3

- Lee

135 notes · View notes

dearmrsawyer · 3 years

Text

well IT WAS A YEAR. it was also emotionally two weeks and five years? lol. its been a lot, but there were some real positives from this year that i wanna reflect on just because! they’re nice to think about!!

i’d love to know if any of you have any positive things from your year that you’d like to reflect on. accepting asks where we can celebrate your little wins too :)

in general i’m just quite proud of myself for how i’ve managed the library this year, given that its just me. its been hard feeling more disconnected from our students, and also trying to provide them with support that can reach across the void created by distance learning. it wasn’t 100% successful all the time! but it can’t be, and i never aimed for that. i just did everything that i felt i could reasonably do as a single individual, and i think i did my best! i spent a lot of this year driving out to post books to our students, or meeting them at convenient locations to do book swaps, and i’ve spent a lot of time coaching academics through online systems over zoom so that they could effectively teach their subjects, and i’ve spent a lot of nights and weekends prepping materials that needed to be made available to students ahead of class, because our academic staff weren’t able to finish them while i was still on the clock (i’m def not trying to @ our academics here! they’ve been delivering material late all year bc of how much extra work they’ve had to take on too! its just the roll on effect bc i’m the last link in the chain). i’ve felt a huge sense of camaraderie with many of my colleagues this year, and am grateful i had them to make this work year more manageable. but i know i’ve been doing a lot of hidden work and i think i did well :)

oh man i loved turning off my wake up alarm in march and never turning it on again!!!! I think i can count the number of times i’ve had to use my alarm on one hand, and they were mostly dr appointments. it feels so comfortable to wake up when my body decides, whether its 6am or after i should already be working LOL. there have definitely been ebbs and flows to how well i’ve slept throughout the year, sometimes i know exactly what’s affecting my sleep and sometimes i have no idea, but regardless, the absence of an impending alarm has been such a nice way to compensate for.. everything else lol

i started growing vegetables!!!!!! I spent a week in March digging out a patch of my yard, and then the next month or two growing seedlings, and i successfully grew snow peas, silverbeet, beetroot and lettuce :D i also added dill to my herb garden, and successfully propagated thyme and lemongrass! i did attempt a few other vegetables that didn’t pan out, mostly because snails kept eating my seedlings jkjdgkj but it was so exciting to successfully grow something that i could then EAT! and i’ve also been able to figure out which vegetables i consider more convenient to grow, for example buying leafy greens can be super inconvenient bc i find its often impossible to use them all before they go bad. they sell greens in such ridiculously large bunches! but growing them myself, i can go out and pick however many leaves i want, and the rest won’t go bad because they’re still on the plant! i also started to stagger how many seeds i wanted to grow which meant they weren’t all maturing at the same time, and i didn’t need to use them all at the same time.

Supernatural finished this year which was NOT a highlight 😭 but it was originally scheduled to finish in May, and i was given the gift of 6 whole extra months to live with this show as a work in progress. as much as i still wasn’t ready to say goodbye in November (would i have ever been ready), i was given so much unexpected extra time to appreciate being IN it while it was still going. i spent so much of this year reflecting on how big a part of my life this show has been, and how much its given me and shaped me. from the ages of 14 to 29 i was able to live with this show as a close friend, and i’ve never taken that for granted, but i am so thankful for the extra time i was given to reflect and appreciate it even more deeply. also supplementary highlight is how much that ending meant to me <3 the world can think whatever it wants but i was on that journey for 15 years, i was there for every episode, never falling behind or taking a break, and that ending honoured the story i watched, and i am very grateful that the pain of it ending was cushioned by the sense of peace and fulfilment that ending gave me.

i finally found hair products that WORK!!!!! i’ve had the same hair routine for like a decade (basically sans products) and i thought i should use this extended period of time where i exist unobserved to experiment. i’ve never really bought hair products for myself, i’ve always inherited them from my mum bc she always had a surplus of products she’s collected over the years. our hair couldn’t be more different so i’ve never experienced a product that was particularly effective LOL. i have v dry hair that’s naturally curly/wavy but extremely frizzy, and i have soo much of it!! so many hairs on my head! my mission was to find a way to let it dry naturally without all that frizz popping up, and without having to dry it in two big twists. the only products directed at curly hair that i’ve ever been aware of is mousse, which used to give people that crunchy look that i can’t staaaaaand but i’ve spent a few months buying quite a lot of products and testing them out one after another, and i’ve found a couple that i absolutely LOVE!! this is big for me bc i always structured my week around when i wash my hair (the day of and day after i’m unavailable lol). i’ll still have to structure my time around it somewhat bc it takes so so long to dry, but its going to be less of a drama if i have to do things when its not completely dry yet, and also i just feel like i’m finally getting to let my hair do its own thing without it stabbing me in the back 😂

i think that human connection has probably been more important this year than ever before, and i’ve often felt like maintaining connections requires energy i just haven’t had for a lot of this year. but i also feel like i have been very connected? i feel like i put in the work. my best friend and i shared a few phone calls this year even though neither of us have ever really been big on phone calls (neither of us have ever talked with people on the phone much in our lives lol). i’ve skyped with my Norwegian friend Ellen almost every month this year!! my friend Bel and i started exchanging sporadic voice messages again, which i’ve just loved. i’ve video chatted with Steph even though it was a scary new venture! and it was so amazing! i do feel like i’ve had less interaction with people on my dash this year, but i feel like working from home has changed the ebbs and flows of my energy throughout the day sooo much, and i just haven’t been online as much when other people are, but i’ve spent a lot of time connecting with people over whatsapp! when it comes to family, being around my grandparents was really really stressful for the first half of the year, but as the situation in Australia eased we relaxed enough that we were comfortable to spend time with them without our masks (plus we weren’t seeing anyone else lol). and i was able to make myself available to them more often while working from home, since i live only a minute away! we stopped having our big family lunches until September, and when we were finally able to get back together we enjoyed each other’s company so much. so while i haven’t been face to face with people on a daily basis, i don’t think i’m any less connected to the people that matter than i was a year ago.

#not thinking about next year yet! i'll probably do that in a few weeks towards the end of my holiday #tp

27 notes · View notes

shenanigans-and-imagines · 4 years

Note

-pokes my head around the corner- psst Annie can I ask you for the nsfw alphabet for Carol Danvers? If you’re ok with it ofc. Love you! -vanishes in a cloud of smoke-

A/N: Requests are still closed. This is just me working through my backlog.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Snack time. I’m sorry, that’s all I can picture. She just has a stash of snack in her room she breaks out after you guys clean up and settle in for the night. She eats in bed, fight me.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

The woman likes a good ass. Has said out loud, “I hate to see them leave, but I love to watch them go” unironically.

As for herself, she’s pretty proud of every aspect of her body. If she had to name one, she’d say her arms. She’s seen how you look at her while she’s lifting. She knows what’s up.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Has a fixation of seeing your cum utterly slick your inner thighs. Call it a badge of honor.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Wants you to squirt. Would never admit out loud how much she enjoys seeing it, but she really, really does.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Plenty of experience, but is a serial monogamist. She’s not about that one night stand life. At least, that’s my impression. That all being said, she knows what she likes and knows what will make her partners happy. Sex was never the problem in her past relationships.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Honestly any position where she can see your face. Her number one goal during sex is to make you absolutely lose it when you cum. She needs to keep notes on her progress.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Definitely leans towards the fun/goofy side of sex. It’s more of a fun activity you can do together. So, plenty of bad jokes, running commentary and laughter all around.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

She’s got hair down there and she’s not doing anything spectacular with it. No bikini waxing for her. Just some minimal trimming now and again.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Like I said, Carol doesn’t view sex as an innately intimate act. It’s a fun stress reliever, first and foremost. But, she can get oddly tender when the mood strikes her. She’s not great at expressing her darker emotions out loud and can end up venting her insecurities and fears through sex.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

She masturbated plenty while she was in the army and plenty more even after she meets you. Sometimes she just needs to something to relieve the boredom and stress of space travel when you’re not there.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Hair pulling. Nothing is a bigger encouragement for her then when she’s going down on you and you grip her hair so tight you might rip it out.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Cockpit of a ship. Doesn’t matter what kind it is. If you and her are alone together in a cockpit, she is taking your clothes off. Or, at least your pants.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

She has a very sensitive neck. If you start getting frisky, touching and kissing and nipping her neck will get her riled up in no time.

The next best thing is victory sex after a really good fight. It’s kind of her specialty.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

No to being tied up or really anything where she doesn’t have some degree of control. She trusts you, but that’s too much to ask.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

She prefers giving, hands down. It’s a source of pride in getting you to cum again and again with just her fingers and mouth. Seeing you sweating and blissed is the hottest sight in the world as far as she’s concerned.

Not that she’ll say no to you going down on her. Although, she prefers riding your face if you’re going to do it.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Generally on the fast and rough side, but not painfully so. Just enough to keep an enthusiastic momentum.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Queen of quickies. She loves them. She’s even started to time herself on how fast she can get you off and vice versa. She’s wining so far, but you’re starting to catch up.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Sure, she’ll try most anything once. She’s not shy about asking to try a move she saw in a porno once and so long as you talk about it before hand, it’s all good.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

She has the power of the tesseract flowing through her body. Stamina is an understatement. Her recovery time is incredible and she’s good for upwards of 5 rounds. But she knows not to try it too often and so sticks to 2 or 3 a night.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

She has some toys, but lately she’s been trying to experiment with her powers and what that can do in the bedroom. So healthy mix of vibrators and super powers.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

She can be such an asshole when it comes to teasing. It’s mostly if she feels like you were giving her a lot of sass that day and she wants to get back at you. Needless to say, you give into whatever she says.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

She talks a looooot during sex; praises, curses, encouragement, the works. She doesn’t shut up unless she’s going down on you and not always then.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

You guys watch porn together, but not always to get off. Sometimes it’s to laugh at the ridiculous situations. Porn parodies are a must.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Uh, I feel like this is more guy specific. She’s got a nice solid pair of tits and a standard is sure vagina. I’m not sure what else to add here.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Pretty average. She’ll get cranky if she hasn’t had sex in a while, but isn’t desperate for it. I’d say when you’re together you’re having sex 2 to 4 nights a week depending on how long she’s been gone.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

It takes a while for her to fall asleep. She likes having a snack with you, talking, taking a shower the works. You’re asleep well before she is.

#captain marvel #captain marvel x reader #carol danvers #carol danvers x reader #marvel imagine #mcu imagine #marvel #mcu #lemon

98 notes · View notes

full-of-jams · 4 years

Text

Good Riddance #2

Pairing: Jimin x Reader

Summary: There were two things life taught you. Money bought comfort, not happiness. And love was always a gateway to pain. When your former best friend Jimin suddenly returns into your life, he challenges your belief and rips open the past you tried so hard to forget.

Genre: heirs au, girl boss, e2l, angst, mutual pining, eventual smut, feat. OT7

Warnings: hints of booty call Tae, uwus!

Word Count: 5k

A/N: And we’re back up to date! The last bit literally made my heart melt. Please feel free to leave me a comment or send an ask! I would love to hear your thoughts, good or bad!

°°°°°°°

[10:13 PM] You: come get me @ cygnus bar

“Here you go miss, our Cygnus signature sake martini. Junmai Daiginjô sake mixed with dry gin and a dash of extra dry vermouth. Crisp and clean with a slight hint of sweetness. And another Old Fashioned for the sir.”

You briefly looked up from your phone and gave the bartender a quick smile, “Thanks, just put the Old Fashioned right here. My guest will be back in a sec.”

The hotel bar of The Cygnus was bustling on a Thursday night. You were dressed in a close-fitted black cocktail dress, embroidered with elegant gold and silver flowers. A demure little thing if it weren’t for the slit that went up your thigh. A freshwater pearl necklace rested daintily around your neck, aptly showing off your collarbones. You were actually quite proud of your outfit for tonight, although if you’d known the evening would progress in this way you may have decided on something more prude.

Business dinners. Always a fine balance between being charming but not overpowering, personable yet professional. Usually an easy balance to strike if your partner didn’t decide to get plastered and become an insufferable flirt.

You really couldn’t remember the last time you had dinner with a friend just for the heck of it. It was always either business, networking or the occasional ‘date’ which was nothing more than an ill-disguised excuse to end the night in someone’s bed.

You loved your job, but sometimes you wondered if living and breathing your work and drowning yourself in the company was just a way to fill a void. You immediately shied away from exploring that thought. Let’s first get through the evening without killing Gerard, you could psychoanalyse yourself some other time.

“The restrooms here are really divine! I tell you, D-I-V-I-N-E! Almost as divine as you tonight! I need to know the interior designer!” Gerard proclaimed as he slid clumsily back into his seat.

[10:18 PM] You: now.

“Did you just compare me to a toilet?” you asked incredulously as you finished typing and closed your phone.

Gerard gave you a toothy grin before he took a long sip from his Old Fashioned.

I should’ve started ordering him water after drink number two.

“Not the toilets! Their wallpaper is exquisite! Just like you!” he said happily.

“Now I’m wallpaper?” you mused and looked down on your dress. You really should’ve worn something else.

Gerard’s eyes crossed in concentration as he realized what he just said. “What I meant was I could definitely use someone like their designer to stage the condos downtown. They’d sell like hot cakes!” he rectified with a snicker.

“I know who designed this hotel. If you want, I can introduce you to them.” You picked up your drink and gave it a taste. It was pleasant and neat. Unlike the drunk real estate broker sitting next to you at the bar. “But in return I expect you to send me a first draft of the listing proposal by Monday.”

“Y/N! Always on the job. You know I’ll do my magic. Here’s to our new listing contract. The Plumeria Offices! Drinks are on me!” Gerard giggled into himself.

You clinked your glass and laughed quietly, “And who’s commissioning your sorry ass? So technically drinks are still on me. You’re lucky you’re good at your job.”

It was time to end this night. You made a mental note to never go out for drinks with Gerard again.

“Then let me take you out to dinner! Not like this, but a real date. C’mon, don’t you ever get tired refusing me? It’s not easy to find an eligible bachelor like me, rawwr!” Gerard winked and clawed the air in front of you.

He was very lucky he was good at his job.

Your phone lit up.

[10:21 PM] Gucci Boy: The Cygnus?

[10:21 PM] Gucci Boy: That’s all the way across town! Ugh -_-;

Plan A seemed to be a dead end; it was time to start thinking about a plan B.

[10:23 PM] You: i’ll blow you

“How about we talk about your feline bachelorness tomorrow? Tonight we should celebrate our contract and the divine restrooms,” you said distractedly as you scanned the room for an escape.

Gerard unexpectedly inched closer and yelled directly into your ear, “To the Plumeria Offices, the divine restrooms and the divine Y/N!” You winced as a hot waft of alcoholic exhale hit your face.

Your patience was waning. You had to get away before you made dead broker meat out him.

Just in that moment you recognized a familiar figure at the hotel bar entrance. You couldn’t even believe you were actually considering this.

It had been a very long and painful past hour. Your rational brain tried hard to convince yourself that you preferred your real estate broker alive and making you money over the instant gratification of nailing his balls against the wall.

What your brain didn’t tell you was how choosing the devil made this situation any better. Here went nothing.

You abruptly stood up and waved, “Jimin! Babe!”

Jimin’s head turned when he heard his name. His eyes briefly widened with surprise and confusion as he recognized you. He started coming over to your spot at the bar and you could see a flash of understanding cross his face as he took in the scene.

“Cheers to my divine Y/N!” Gerard howled as he lifted his glass with one hand and tried to sling his other around your shoulder. You nimbly dodged his arm and moved right next to Jimin as he reached the bar. Your arm slid loosely around his waist.

“Jimin, babe, what are you doing here?” You looked up at him and gave him your most innocent smile.

Just play along.

His eyes narrowed slightly, but otherwise he showed no sign of surprise at your unusual behavior. After a brief moment he simply smiled back, pulled you closer into his side and rested his hand at the small of your back. You suppressed a startled yelp.

“I was about to ask you the same thing. I had a meeting at the Suthora Lounge. It just finished, so I thought I’d grab a drink before I turn in for the night.” His smile turned into a mischievous smirk. “You didn’t tell me you were coming to this bar tonight, sweetheart. Otherwise I would’ve dropped by sooner.” His term of endearment caught you off guard. There was a teasing glint in his eyes as his thumb gently stroked across your back. You tried to ignore the zing it sent through your body.

“Sorry, where are my manners! Jimin, this is Gerard, a business partner of mine. Gerard, this is Jimin, my…,” you paused for a millisecond as you debated which word to use. For lack of a better idea you lamely ended on, “Jimin.” Jimin shifted slightly next to you.

Gerard stood up and gave the both of you a confused look. Slowly the situation dawned on him and a slight flush of embarrassment crossed his cheeks. He tried to collect himself and stuck out his hand. “Ah yes of course, it’s nice to meet you.”

Jimin shook his hand. “Likewise, Gerard was it? Y/N has already told me so much about you. She often says it’s rare to find true professionals nowadays, but she holds you in very high regard.”

You gave him a quick, annoyed glance. Don’t lay it on too thick, boy. He was trying to hold back his laughter as he quirked his eyebrow in response. What are you gonna do about it?

It reminded you of the days when you used to pull pranks like this all the time.

Gerard’s face turned red like a tomato. Jimin’s words seemed to sober him up a bit. He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and replied, “Yes, working with Y/N is great. She’s truly talented and… uh... attractive.” His face blanched. “I mean, not that I find her attractive! I m-mean, not that I find her unattractive…”

Jimin laughed at the man’s flustered state. “Don’t worry, I know exactly what you mean. She’s clever and absolutely stunning. It’s hard to resist.” His eyes crinkled as he gave you another mirthful smile.

Your stomach twisted. He was playing the loving boyfriend part a little too well. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve thought he actually meant it. You immediately dismissed that ludicrous thought.

You could already tell this little stunt was going to cost you.

Gerard downed his drink and started searching for his wallet. “I better get going now, it’s getting late. It was a really good evening Y/N. I’ll give you a call next week when all the listings are sorted out.”

“Monday,” you said with a big smile and a voice that brooked no argument.

“Y-yes, of course. Monday. I hope you don’t mind if I don’t take you home. You’re in better hands with your boyfriend anyway,” he sputtered. You fought your urge to correct him and just gave him a friendly hum of confirmation. Gerard nodded to Jimin and you without making eye contact, put some bills on the counter and quickly shuffled towards the exit.

Once he was out of sight you immediately stepped out from under Jimin’s arm. Your skin tingled where his palm had rested a second before. You sat back down and let out a deep sigh. Jimin slipped into the seat next to you.

The bartender immediately came up to him, “Good evening sir, what can I get you?”

“The usual please. Thanks Paul.”

The bartender left and you both sat in silence as you nursed your drink.

“Don’t ask.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

You heaved another small sigh, turned towards Jimin and took in his appearance for the first time this evening. He was wearing a slightly rumpled dress shirt with the top unbuttoned and his sleeves rolled up. He almost looked a bit out-of-place and tired. You wondered if the project was putting him under too much pressure.

What was wrong with you? Why did your stubborn heart still have a tender spot for him?

“What are you doing here?”

This time it was his turn to let out a sigh. “Do you realize you always ask me the same question?”

“Are you following me? Is this some weird game of yours where you’re just trying to prove a point again?” you tried hard to sound unaffected.

Irritation and hurt flashed across his eyes.

Good.

But then it was gone in a blink, replaced by an unreadable smile, “Get over yourself, not everything in life is about you. I live here.” He took the glass of whiskey Paul set in front of him and clinked it against your martini glass. “Cheers.”

You were about to retort as your phone blinked.

[10:35 PM] Gucci Boy: Fine, will be there in 30.

[10:35 PM] You: don’t bother. matter’s settled

[10:35 PM] Gucci Boy: TT-TT dinner tomorrow?

You decided to ignore his question.

“Is Gucci Boy your boyfriend?” Jimin asked with a skeptical snort.

You glanced up and realized he was looking into your phone. “What Taehyung? No, he’s just whatever.”

Jimin’s brows shot up. “Just whatever? And here I thought you were the biggest romantic on the planet.” You couldn’t tell if he was mocking you or not.

There used to be times when you believed in the love of a friend and the love of a mother. Those times were long in the past.

“No Jimin, you’re the biggest romantic sap on the planet. I’m a person who believes relationships are overrated. What do you mean with you live here?” You didn’t want to talk about your love life anymore, so you decided to not-so-subtly change the topic.

You could tell he wanted to push further but then he decided to let it go. “This is our hotel, did you forget? I needed a place to stay when I moved back to the City. I’m temporarily staying in the penthouse suite while I’m looking for a new place.”

“I know this is one of your hotels. That’s not what I meant. Why aren’t you just tiding over at your parents’ or at Jihyun’s? They all live like three blocks from here.“

The edges of his mouth twitched up, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He took another swig of whiskey. “For someone who doesn’t want to be asked any questions, you sure ask a lot of your own.”

There was nothing you could argue against that.

You turned your attention back to your drink. “Thanks Jimin,” you said in a quiet voice. No matter how wary you were of him, you weren’t ungrateful.

He didn’t respond. You looked up to see his reaction. This time his eyes were creased in amusement. “I think this is the first nice thing you said to me since I’m back.”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t get used to it.”

His smile grew wider. Your heart skipped a beat as your friend of your past peeked through.

The moment passed as he responded, “Don’t worry. You owe me one, sweetheart.”

***

The next morning your phone rang. You absentmindedly answered the call while you flipped through some blueprints, “L/N speaking.”

“Y/N, I have a great idea how you can repay me for last night,” a familiar voice purred on the other end of the line.

You did a double take and looked at the caller ID on your screen. Shit.

“Jimin? What do you want?” You muted your phone and let out a loud groan. You knew this was going to happen.

“You know, your work and private persona are really different. Is there a reason why you’re so cold to everyone all the time? Maybe you should go consult a therapist, this could be a serious case of disassocia…”

“Park. Cut to the chase. What do you want?” you tried not to sound annoyed.

The boy on the phone clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “Now I am hurt. And here I thought you’d be endlessly grateful after I rescued you from your horrible date last night!” he wailed dramatically over the phone. You forgot how childish he could be sometimes.

You took in a deep breath and gathered all your patience in your voice, “First, it wasn’t a date. Second, fine. Let me hear your great idea. What can I do for you?”

“I told you I’m looking for a place, right?” excitement now laced his tone.

“Yes?”

“I want you to find me a new home.”

You were a bit surprised and relieved by his request. “Oh, well that’s easy. I can refer you to one of our brokerage partners…”

“No Y/N, I want you to find me a new home. I want you to go house shopping with me.”

You should’ve known he wasn’t going to let you off the hook that easily.

You let out an exasperated breath, “You want me to play your realtor? Jimin, I don’t have time for this, you know we don’t broker. Besides, my team focuses on commercial real estates. If you insist on us finding you a new place, I can get you in touch with our residential development team. They know everything that’s happening in the City.”

Jimin laughed across the phone, “Don’t give me lame excuses. This request is off the clock. You know this town like the back of your hand, and you know my taste. You’re the best personal shopper I could want. I won’t take no for an answer. Impress me.”

There was an unsaid threat in his words. Take this deal while I’m still playing nice. My next request will be much worse.

Sometimes you hated this game of give-and-take. Sometimes you hated savvy business people. Sometimes you hated yourself because you relished in all of the above.

“Fine. I don’t have time this weekend. Give me the week to pull together some listings and then let’s meet next Saturday. I’ll give you one weekend of my time. Either you take it or you leave it and go find yourself someone else to bother.”

“Deal.” his old eagerness shined through, “Oh, and put some effort into it. If I notice you’re doing this half-assed just because it’s me, I won’t let it count.”

You bristled at his remark, “Don’t insult me, Park.”

Another laugh chimed through the line, “See you next Saturday.”

***

It was Saturday morning and you were late for your appointment. You rushed past your stepmother into the kitchen to grab a piece of fruit and some water.

“Honey, is this your breakfast?” she asked, “I’m making pancakes, you can have some now if you can’t stay for breakfast.”

You quickly scarfed down your banana. “Sorry Ave, I’m in a hurry. I fell asleep last night while reviewing the bid proposal and forgot to set an alarm.”

Your stepmom crossed the kitchen and looked at you with worried eyes, “You seem stressed these days. I have a facial appointment this afternoon for my shoot on Monday. You can take the slot if you want.”

“I’ll probably be out all day, so enjoy your facial.” You finished your last bite of banana, grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and headed towards the kitchen door.

“We could do a girls night in tomorrow? Eri’s off, I can prepare some things for a nice pamper session for the three of us?” she tried again.

You didn’t know why she was fussing. You weren’t even her daughter. “I’m good.”

In that moment your father entered the kitchen. “Bye dad, bye Aveline.” You gave him a quick peck on the cheek and rushed out the door.

The traffic gods showed mercy, you miraculously made it 5 minutes before the appointed time. Your development manager Julia was already waiting, coffee in hand.

“Have I told you, that I love you and I want to marry you?” you said as she handed the coffee and the listing portfolio to you.

Julia chuckled at your remark, “Ah, if only you were my boyfriend. I’ll just have to imagine it was him saying that right now.”

“I take it, he’s still being dense?” you asked.

“Super dense,” Julia agreed. “So who are we meeting on a Saturday morning and why the hell are we showing them apartments?”

“Don’t ask. It’s just an acquaintance of mine and unfortunately I owe him a favor,” you said miserably.

In that moment Jimin arrived. “Good morning Y/N, what’s with the long face? We haven’t even started yet,” he said cheerfully until his eyes landed on Julia. A small frown settled on his face.

“It’s 8.30 am on a Saturday morning and we’re in the middle of downtown. The real question should be why are you in such a good mood?” you commented with a scowl.

“You said we had one weekend. Gotta make the most of it. Who’s this?” he asked with a nod.

You realized you forgot to introduce Julia. Why were you so easily distracted by him? “This is Julia, she’s one of our residential development managers. Julia this is Jimin, a friend of the family.”

Julia eagerly held out her hand, “It’s great to make your acquaintance. Y/N never mentioned she had such a handsome friend.”

Jimin dropped his frown and took her hand, “Nice to meet you too. May I ask why you’re here today?” Julia visibly swooned as he gave her a smile. You wanted to kick them both.

“She’s here to assist with the contract. Once you’ve decided on an object, she’ll close the deal for you,” you answered in an irritated tone.

Jimin’s cheery mood returned, “Great, so that means we don’t need her for the actual touring? Apologies to have hauled you out of bed this early in the morning Julia. If you don’t mind, I’d prefer to visit the properties in private. I have some catching up to do with Y/N.” Jimin gave Julia another bright smile.

“N-no, not at all. I hope you find something to your liking,” she responded weakly. Julia turned to you with a knowing smile and muttered, “Call me if you need something.” She winked and scurried off before you could protest.

Great. You glared at Jimin, “This was completely unnecessary. We need her!”

“Why? Didn’t you do your homework?” he teased.

You huffed at him, “When did you become so insufferable?”

“When did you become so uptight?” he countered. “We can just call her back when I’ve picked something, okay?”

You refused to respond.

Jimin tried to appease your agitated mood, “Look, I know you don’t like me. But you’ve agreed to this and I need a new place. So why don’t we both stop bickering and act like two civilized human beings for the day?” As an afterthought he added, “I’ll buy you lunch. Your choice.” He knew you couldn’t say no to good food.

It was going to be a long day. And you really didn’t have the energy to stay angry all the time.

“There’s this new seafood place close to the pier that I’ve been meaning to try. It’s on the way to the Spirea Tower,” you considered until you saw Jimin’s grimace. You forgot; he didn’t like seafood. “We don’t have to go there…”

Jimin hastily shook his head and said, “No it’s fine. Let’s go there. If it’s on the way, then even better.” You had to smile at his eagerness.

You cleared your throat and put on your best sales pitch voice, “Very well Mr. Park., welcome to 230 Beech. If you’d like to follow me inside.” You gestured and entered the building behind you.

***

“The highlight of this penthouse is of course the 360° view over the city. You have plenty of terrace space to host outdoor events and the glass windowpanes give you that highly sought after indoor/outdoor living experience. This building has all the amenities you can ask for. 24h valet, fully equipped gym, indoor swimming pool, library, conference rooms, a 100-seat screening room, lounges for hosting events, it even has its own residential barber shop, grocer and coffee bar. It really is a great investment property.”

Three penthouses, three condos and two townhouses later, you finally arrived at the last stop of the day. Your day with Jimin was oddly pleasant yet frustrating at the same time. True to your agreement you both stopped bickering and focused on the task at hand. He took his time inspecting each property, attentively listening to your explanations, asking interested questions and openly admiring features that he liked. Nevertheless, nine properties later, he still hadn’t settled for any of them.

“So what do you think?” you asked him, as you presented him the breathtaking sunset view.

Jimin stood next to you and looked out over the city. “It’s really an extraordinary space, but I don’t think it’s what I’m looking for.”

You were tired, your feet hurt, and you really didn’t want to repeat this procedure again tomorrow. “What do you mean it’s not what you’re looking for? It has everything you can possibly ask for and this district has a forecasted value increase of 20% in the next 5 years. Heck even I bought a unit in this building.”

Jimin turned to you and asked curiously, “You live here?”

You shook your head. “No,” you replied, “I still live at home. There’s no point in moving into my own place when I’m barely ever there anyway. Doesn’t mean I can’t own property around town. Are you sure you don’t want this penthouse? Julia told me there’s already two offers up for it, but I’m sure we can strike a deal with the seller. It’s really a great investment.”

“Y/N.” He sounded strangely solemn. “I had fun today and I feel like this is the only way I can get you to talk to me in a normal way, but I meant it when I said I’m looking for a home.”

You spent your entire spare time of the past week pouring over different listings and registries, trying to find something which you thought suited his taste. No chance in hell was Park Jimin going to walk away at the end of this weekend without a contract.

“And what? None of these caught your eye?” you asked defensively.

Jimin looked at you pensively before he said, “They’re all really amazing, but as you said, they’re investment properties. That’s not what I’m looking for.”

Oh.

He continued in a quiet voice, “You know what I’m looking for, right?”

He was looking for a home. Somehow this realization made your heart clench.

You contemplated for a moment until you made up your mind, ripped a corner off your portfolio and wrote an address on the paper.

“Meet me here tomorrow at 11.”

***

“This is a deli.”

“Shush. Just follow me.”

You entered the store and headed straight for the counter.

“Y/N!” exclaimed the man behind the register. “You really need to come by more often!” He came around and gave you a warm hug.

“Hi Bodo,” you said in a muffled voice as you awkwardly tried to extract yourself from his embrace.

Bodo finally let go of you and gave Jimin an appraising look. “This is the young man you’re showing around?”

“Yeah, do you have the keys?” you asked.

Bodo grinned happily, grabbed a basket from behind the counter and headed out the door. ”Of course young lady! Everything ready and prepped as soon as you called this morning. Let’s go!”

Jimin gave you a puzzled look, you shrugged noncommittally. Just follow me.

The three of you walked down the street and arrived at an old building which had ‘Cali Soap Co.’ written across its brick wall. You walked up a flight of metal stairs and ended up in front of an insignificant-looking set of double doors. Bodo fumbled briefly with the keys until he unlocked the entrance and held open one side for you. “Voilá! Welcome, welcome!”

A beautiful two-story loft unfolded before your eyes. Light streamed in from the large industrial windows. Plants hung from the ceiling and the window frames. To the left a giant bookcase spanned across the entire height of the loft. The kitchen was situated in a winter garden at the back of the building which opened up to a small courtyard patio.

Bodo put the keys and the basket on the coffee table and turned back towards the entrance. “I’ll leave you two to it. I packed you guys some lunch in case you’re hungry. Take your time. You can come by the shop and drop everything off once you’re done.”

You gave Bodo a small smile, “Thanks.”

As Bodo left you stood uneasily in the middle of the loft. “I don’t know much about this building. It used to be an old soap factory which shut down in the 80s and got repurposed into a living space. The winter garden got added later on, they removed the air vents, cemented it shut and turned it into a patio. The old delivery area is on the ground floor below us. It can be used for storage or you can put in automatic doors and convert it into a garage. The previous owner didn’t have a car, so nothing was ever installed.”

You turned to check Jimin’s reaction.

His eyes were comically wide as he took in the loft. “What is this place?” he asked in wonder.

“It’s a home,” you simply answered. You remembered the first time you entered this place. You expected the sadness, but you didn’t expect the amazement. It was hard to ignore the love and care that was put into it. An eclectic array of furniture decorated the entire space. The bookcase was nothing short of imposing, filled with books over books over books. In every nook and cranny you could either find an ardently displayed old typewriter or some trinket brought back from faraway. This place was well loved and showed the story of a life. A life which you were never a part of.

I never wanted to be your mother. I don’t even want to be your friend.

Jimin walked around and ran his hands over everything. “I didn’t even know a place like this existed in this city,” he said in a hushed voice.

“I didn’t either,” you responded dejectedly.

Jimin shifted his attention away from the loft back to you. He gently asked, “How did you find this place?”

You hesitated, but then you decided to say, “It belonged to my mom - I mean Celia.”

Jimin moved back to your side, eyes soft. “Celia? Did she get back in touch with you? Where is she living now if she’s selling this place?”

“No, I haven’t seen her since the last time,” you said as you quietly shook your head. “She died last year of breast cancer. I guess she didn’t have any family, Bodo was actually her boyfriend. Isn’t it ironic? I inherited everything, including this loft.”

You’ve never talked about her passing until today; not even to your dad or Bodo. You’ve also never shown anyone this place. Not because you didn’t want to, but simply because you couldn’t think of anyone who could appreciate and understand it. You didn’t know why it felt so easy to share those things with Jimin. It always used to be easy with him.

Jimin was stunned, “Bodo was her boyfriend?

“Yeah, why? He comes by from time to time to take care of this place. He’s actually a pretty nice guy.”

Suddenly Jimin bent over and burst into laughter, “Exactly! How did someone so nice end up with someone so horrible like Celia?”

You could see how it was funny. You started to laugh as well.

“Poor Bodo!” Jimin sprawled on the floor and continued laughing. A warm feeling coursed through your heart as you slowly started to see a glimpse of your old friend again.

After a while he calmed down and stared up at the beamed ceiling. “This place is really beautiful. Are you sure you want to sell it?” he asked carefully.

This place was truly beautiful, but somehow it never felt like it belonged to you in the first place. Maybe because you knew it was never intended for you. It would be a shame to let something so precious go to waste.

You gave the boy lying on the floor a tender smile. “Does that mean you want to buy it?”

Next >>

°°°°°°° 13/04/20

@l4life

187 notes · View notes

akvtsuki-ari · 4 years

Text

A Study In Body Language: v. love is a virtue

Warnings: smut! unprotected sex, mild angst, but other than that mostly fluffy.

Length: 6.5k

Authors Note: holy shit yall. we did it. 25000 words, 5 chapters and a whole lot of emotional turmoil, we fuckin did it. i will be writing an epilogue for this story but for now, here it is - a study in body language. hope yall have enjoyed this wild ride

Plot Summary: Spencer realizes how deep he’s fallen, and reads something that changes his plans of confession. Love is beautiful, apparently.

Link to the song mentioned: 1000 Times by Sara Bareilles

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

He overhears you in the bullpen. You’re not sad when you talk about it, and maybe he was a little too hopeful to hear you clearly but you sounded relieved. He hopes you’re relieved but he doesn’t know how to deal with that feeling. He doesn’t feel sorry for himself but he could drown in the relief when you say you broke up with Jay. A weight off of his shoulders, off of his consciousness. For a moment he wasn’t so damn restless. You were single but he doesn’t know what that changed. Everything felt different, shit everything was different. The world that he’d come to know was shattered underneath the weight of this feeling.

“Why’d you two break up?,” JJ asks. She’s curious, but Spencers hanging on your voice for the answer. His whole body relaxes. You pause, maybe you’re shrugging.

“I don’t know - I think we both realized that this wasn’t gonna be long-term but we’ll always be cool. He’s a really good guy, but we have different wants, I think,” you say casually. You don’t sound sad.

“You don’t seem upset,” Prentiss comments. Spencers happy he’s not delusional.

“I’m not. The whole thing was really mutual and I loved him but not as anything more than friends really and he feels the same so I’m okay,” You say casually. He doesn’t hear much else, so he walks away before you can turn the corner and see him.

Rain beats on the windows when Spencer walks away. It’s been raining for days now, the darkness seemed to be encompassing but it was nice. Spencer liked rain, watching it when he needed to think and it seems like he was having to do that more often these days. Rain wasn’t somber to Spencer, as much as it was a sobering reminder. Rain made him think of you, but most things did so he isn’t sure if it’s any deeper than that. Everything made Spencer think of you.

Spencer couldn’t stop himself from thinking of you. It was a crushing realization that you were in love with someone and that you would do anything to make them happy. It was always apart of him, he couldn’t catch a break without being reminded of how much he adored you. Things continued as normal but he was working hard to make sure of that. He didn’t want to lose you, or hurt you so he tried so hard to make sure things were okay, even if it killed him slowly. He wanted to call you his, because in his heart of hearts, he wanted you to think of him as yours. Spencer was overwhelmed every time he saw you because it was you. You were you and he’d give you everything if you asked for it. He would rob the stars in the sky for you, he would steal the sun for you to keep, he would do anything to make you happy. That realization was crushing and Spencer was unsure if you had any clue.

The work day passes normally. Everyone was ready to go home, though some of the team wanted to hang at O’Keefes for a drink but you and Spencer passed. They all gave each other knowing looks, that Spencer became aware of when he realized he liked you. You still seemed clueless, and that was a scary enough thought. Spencer just flushed as he sees everyone walk out to the elevator, leaving you and him alone for the night.

“Any special plans, Spence?,” you ask Spencer, fiddling with the strap of your bag as you two waited for the next elevator to come. Spencer shakes his head, looking at your stance and smiling. The bag was too big for you, clearly too heavy on your shoulders but he knew you’d never get rid of it. It was a thing about you he’d picked up from before.

“Not really, no. Might go home and watch some TV, though I don’t know what,” Spencer replies thoughtfully. You nod in understanding, letting out a huff of frustration as you let go of your bag problem. Spencer just chuckles as he stands in front of you, fixing up the buckle before the strap. You look up at him with a grateful grin, and he feels his heart pound. Love, love, love on his mind when he looks at you. He feels a bit sick, but he figures it’s a symptom that seems to swallo him.

You wrap your arms around Spencer and lay your face in his chest.He wonders if you can hear how hard his heart is pounding but it doesn’t seem like you notice. You nuzzle into him, and it seems to be so subconscious for you. He wants to ask himself if this was friends did but he knew better - this was too complicated for such simple questions. He hugs you back, taking a breath and you pull away and look up at him. His eyes are a pretty green, spots of brown speckling them but they look hazel in the light. You’d see them sometimes when he woke up and they’d fall under the sunlight. You always liked them and maybe you look too long, so you pull away. Spencer wishes you didn’t but the moments gone before he can protest.

The elevator dings. The doors both open as the two of you travel down together. Spencer wants to offer you some company but he can’t tell himself too when he knows his own intentions.

____

Spencer was alone. It was the wordless night that seemed to eat at him, even though the clock had only barely scraped by to 11. Lately, Spencer doesn’t have trouble sleeping but it seems like that would change soon. Thoughts of you were cocoon his thoughts. He felt so stuck, because he wants to tell you how he feels - but the risk is too great. Too much of a burden to bear because he has no clue about how you feel. He assumes you don’t return those feelings but if you did - he wasn’t sure if anything would change. That reality is far more crushing than not knowing at all.

One thing Spencer did when he was thinking of you was read your letters to him. Those letters were more important for his sanity than he wanted to admit. You told him of everything, gave him daily reminders of why he needed to see the world again. Your return was more than waited on, but prayed for. A selfless act in self-preservation on your behalf, and a brave one on Spencers.

The first letter dates a few weeks after Spencer was in rehab. You’re so different in writing, maybe more honest because you aren’t thinking so much. Spencer doesn’t know how to explain it but he likes the way you write.

Dear Genius,

Congrats on a whole 3 weeks!! I’m so proud of you, and I’m happy to hear you like group therapy. I loved your clown painting, by the way and I want it framed for my apartment ASAP - seriously I had no clue you were so good at art. I also want pictures of when you guys have group therapy with those service dogs because that is so cute!!! Excited for the next letter just for that.

Updates on my life are pretty boring but you asked so I’ll deliver. My dad is doing okay right now. We’ve talked a lot and he’s sorta mulled over my chilhood and apologized about well… all of it. It was a bit much, to be honest but thats okay. I’ll get through it, especially when I have these letters to look forward too. I met someone sorta too, he’s from DC but he moved into my neighborhood. He’s nice, but who knows, you know?

Also, you told me to keep sending you new music to listen too, but honestly I just wanna send you radio hits. You should listen to The-Weeknd, maybe Starboy? I mostly just wanna see how you feel about stuff people listen to on the car radio haha. I don’t know, but either way, hope you like the song.

Anyways, I love you and I’m looking forward to our next correspondence. Good luck always, and keep yourself strong.

Best Wishes,

Y/N

Spencer smiles big. The kind of smile that reaches the lines in his eyes and makes his whole body relax. He replies with what you ask for, he remembers. He had a picture of him with an Australian Shepherd from therapy that you framed and put on your desk. He remembers how much you liked it, though he wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t sent you the clown painting yet because it seemed to slip his mind but he reminds himself to give it to you. He looks through more letters, reading the different one-sided exchanges. He reads your weekly updates about the community mural that you painted with all the kids while you were back home. He reads about the different volunteers, and how your childhood friend who you lost touch with had moved back and had a baby. Her name was Ellie, and you loved her. He comes across the letter where your dad passed away, only a month into your trip.

Dear Spencer,

Hey kid. I’m happy to hear about your progress!! I know it’s been tough because you’ve hit that middle slump but I know you. I know you’ll get through, it just takes time and you’re doing great keeping your head above water. I love you and I’m so proud of you, you’re gonna go far.

I know I sound different here, it’s because my dad passed away last night. He passed quietly, stubborn bastard. I cried, more than I was expecting. He’s the last person of blood who would claim me as family and he just sorta disappeared. It’s just weird, how little i seem to feel. I was sad but it was weird, more emptying than anything but in a fucked up way I was relieved. I don’t know. I suppose it’s complicated

It made me think of you, in a weird way, I guess. You told me to send you music and I guess this is my indirect way of telling you stuff, but you should listen to 1000 times by Sarah Barielles. I don’t really know what to make of it but thanks for being a good friend and I’m grateful for what we have as friends always. You’re a good person, Spencer.

Anyways, let me know if anything changes and good luck next week. I miss you, but I know we’ll see eachother again soon and things will be good. Keep sending me pictures of Dianes cat also because she’s so cute and I love her. Thanks for everything.

Love always,

Y/N

Spencer looks at the song you sent. He normally listens to every single one but that week he had already used up all of his computer time to read the articles from your local newspaper and he never got a chance too after that. He figures now was a good time, always having a piece of you when he got that music. Even if the song wasn’t his style, it made him think of you and for him that was most than enough. It was a blessing in a lot of ways to have a part of you that only he knew of. It was music anyone could listen to but the meaning was his alone. Spencer opens up his laptop and types in the song title. He presses play, awaiting whatever pop ballad you had waiting for him

Then the lyrics start to play and Spencer feels sick,”

“Again again I let it go, let it go/ Cover my mouth don't let a single word slip/ Out wouldn't wanna tell you, no tell you, no/ Nothing could be worse than the risk of/ Losing what I don't have now,”

Shit.

Spencers heart drops to the bottom of his stomach. He feels like he’s going to die, and he doesn’t know how else to explain this feeling of detriment. You told Spencer you loved him a full month before he even realized how far deep he was and he just… didn’t acknowledge it. Spencer wanted to throw up, every visceral feeling of panic banging on the inside of his chest and threatens to crush his heart under the weight. Spencer could feel it in his throat, as he scrambles to find his phone your contact, dialing your number as he feels the drum of his heartbeat. His fingers shake as he hears you pick up on the other side.

“Hello?,”

Your voice makes Spencer ache. Spencer breathes out, unable to speak for a few seconds. You look confused on the other side of the phone.

“Spencer?,”

Your voice is all Spencer hears yet your words feel distant. His voice is abysmal and small when he speaks - the words trapped in the maze of thoughts, unable to be expressed correctly. Spencer coughs before he talks, trying to clear his airways even though nothing was really wrong.

“Are you home and are you busy?,” Spencer asks, tears threatening to run down his face before his voice can give out

“I’m home but I’m not busy, why? Is everything okay? ,” Panic is subtle in your voice, Spencer swallows thickly.

“Yeah, yeah - I’m okay. Can I come over?,” Spencer asks, voice quiet.

“Of course, Spencer. See you soon, and drive safe - the weather is still bad so you gotta be careful,” you say warmly.

“Yeah, of course. See you soon,” Spencer replies. The line clicks and Spencer stares into his phone. He picks his care keys up and puts on a jacket, knowing he’d still get caught up in the rain.

____

The rain is heavier than it was before. It was late, the clock reads 11:45 and Spencer can’t see much as water spills from the grey clouds that hung over his head. It was peaceful, almost. When you ignore the feeling of imminent panic and anxiety that washes over him, the rain is soothing to his ears as heavy as it. Spencer hands around the steering wheel are gripped tight enough to make the pads of his fingers white. His skin is hot, chest covered in a light sheen of sweat as he thinks of what's going to happen when he gets there - or moreso, if anything has happened. Spencer's thoughts are deafened by his own uncertainty - he owes it to you to tell you but if it’s too late for him he may never come back from that. He needed to tell you because you deserved to know but the thought of nothing happening hurts him. He’d rather you didn’t know but that’s not fair.

Spencer's thoughts of your ex-boyfriend pop up and he feels guilty. He’s tearing himself to pieces finding every reason in the world not to tell you, but he had to make the right choice because you were braver than he could ever be. He wants to show you he’s changed and that he won’t run from this. He refused to run from you.

His hands shake when he knocks. His hair is wet and the water seems to soak through parts of his old jacket. He looked like a mess he was sure but it didn’t matter. Spencer was so anxious, he doesn’t remember the last time he ever felt this anxious.

When you open the door with a smile - that’s when Spencer knows you were the love of his life. He just looked at you, looks at you with sunken eyes that flit over your face with a feeling you can’t explain. Spencer needed you, maybe more than you needed him.

“Hey, Spencer,” You say warmly. Spencer walks inside and you close the door behind him. He looks at you for a second, taking his jacket off as he just looks to you in silence. He wants to spit the words out, he wants to say them so the two of you can get caught up together. Spencer wants to be yours, and for you to be his and then some. Spencer loves you.

“What’s up?,” you ask quietly, seating yourself next to Spence whose found himself a spot on the couch. You grab his hands and play with his fingers for a few seconds, the touch is just so damn intimate. You loved Spencer, so much more than you could explain. You had that little anxious bubble in your chest about what could happen - that ‘maybe’ that brought you so many restless nights. You wondered if today was the day but before you go to dismiss the thought, you feel Spencers hands under your chin. He lifts your face up, eyes examining your face carefully. His scruff was nice, he looked different than before.

Before you can ask, Spencer kisses you. It’s out of character, and in many ways out of place for him. He’s not the type to kiss anyone out of the blue but he doesn’t know else to break the tension with any language other than physical. It's the way his lips melt to yours, the way you kiss him back immediately, the way his lips have a way of holding yours. The way his hands hold your face up. It was everything that made you remember that Spencer was fucking kiss you. Kissing you like he was the reason he was breathing. Curled around your very existence, with his lips giving you their every secret. This kiss was an exchange in secrets, but more than an assurance. Spencer kisses you, and you kiss him back and the whole universe is still.

When Spencer pulls away, you’re more than speechless. You look at Spencer, looking in his eyes for regret and you find none. Solace, maybe but no regret. You just look down, too scared to look at him again but he stops you, lifting your face up again.

“Don’t hide from me please,” Spencer croaks “I need to look at you,”

“Why?,”

“To make sure you’re real,” Spencers confession makes your body heat up.

“What’s gotten into you?,” you laugh nervously. You think Spencer will follow in suit, going back to being silly with you like normal but he doesn’t falter. He holds both of your hands and looks down, your eyes still fixated on him. Spencer sighs.

“I read your letter, from when your dad died. I never had a chance to listen to that song, but I did. I normally did but that one somehow managed to miss me and..,” he trails off, like his thoughts are moving too fast for him to say what he wants to. You swallow thickly. So he knows, you figure.

“It’s okay if you don’t, you know, return those feelings,” your voice chokes out. Spencer laughs.

“You’d be a fool to think something like that,” Spencer says earnestly. You choke a little violently.

“Oh?,”

Spencer turns to look at you again. His eyes are full of something, and this time you know the feeling. You give it to him often, that look of adoration That “You’re so stupid, please marry me,” look you give to the person you want to love most in this life.

“My whole life, I couldn’t afford to believe in anything related to destiny. I didn’t believe in miracles, or destiny, or a lot of other things for a long time. Sometimes I still don’t, like when cases go so bad that the whole team is left with that hollow feeling,” Spencer starts “I try my best to remember joy and happiness, and sometimes I do believe in miracles but it’s not everyday. Sometimes the pain was just too heavy,”

“When I started taking dilaudid again, I was just trying to cope with the pain. My life can feel like a series of unfortunate events sometimes,” Spencer says softly. The grip he has on your hands tightens just a little bit.

“I’ve been wanting to give you this confession for weeks, but like always you’ve proved to be more brave than I could ever be. Of course you figured it out first, who could be surprised but,” Spencer pauses for a second.

“You’re the love of my life. Maybe it’s too much to say right now, maybe enough time hasn’t passed for me to decide that but if I said anything less I’d be lying to you, and I don’t want to lie to you ever again,” Spencers voice is barely above a whisper.

“Y/N, you’re the only woman I could ever love this much. Those two months, those words that you gave me are what kept me sane. It was thoughts of your voice and your touch that kept me alive. It was your kindness that gave me strength, your love that gave me courage. It was you that reminded me of what it feels like to have hope, and perhaps even believe in miracles and destiny,” Spencers crying and so are you, but you still managed to hold eachother.

“I’m wholly in love with you. I really don’t know how to say anything else. Please be mine because for now, loving you is all I really want to do,” Spencer says the last part with a small voice. The butterflies in your stomach make it hard for you to speak and you’re crying so much you have a headache. You want to kiss him, and say something back but for now you’re just crying a little bit. You’d clear all the grey clouds in the world to give Spencer some sunshine.

“It’s always been you, dickhead,” you say through giggles. Spencer loves the sound of your laugh, if he could he would bottle up and keep it for himself to wear around his neck. Spencer wants to wear your name around your neck so the whole world knew he was yours and you were his.

You can’t hold yourself back from moving into Spencer's lap, bare thighs over his legs as you lean into his neck. You adored Spencer and you knew that for so long, but you always figured he didn’t feel the same. That song was your confession, and when he didn’t listen you always figured he didn’t feel it. Miscommunication is a hell of a drug, you figure. You were here now, wrapped in Spencer and more than ready to give him all of you. You adored Spencer, the way his mind worked full of cogs and his heart was full of affection. It was everything Spencer did when he was getting better, giving you purpose. Spencer made you feel at ease, always. Even when bad things seemed to swallow you up, Spencer gave you ease.

You look up at Spencer, there are small tears in your eyes when you do. You straddle his lap, and kiss him again. Holding your waist, Spencer smiles. He’s so grateful to be touching you like this. Spencer wants all of you to himself and he’d be damned if he was selfish for it.

“Spencer,” your voice is small, but happy. Spencer hums, wrapped up in the way the two of you kiss for him to be upset. You look up at him, into him in the way only you can and speak again.

“Make love to me,” your question is quiet. Spencer immediately became a little unsteady but he understood your request. That term “make love,” used to gross you out but you got it now. Sex and love are different - but sometimes you used sex to make love. To feel someone so close to you like that, you wanted to make love with Spencer. You wanted to have marks all over your skin so that the sight of him could be there forever, and for him to fuck you like you were the only thing he needed. Spencer wanted to make you feel wanted, and you wanted him to want you all the same. So, Spencer smiles, places a hand on boths sides of your face and kisses you slowly. Spencer loves you, adores you and wants to make you feel beautiful.

“You wanna go to your room?,” Spencer asks. You nod, and Spencer lifts you up before carrying you. You’re wrapped around him, yelping at his surprising strength.

Spencer lays you down, eyes glassy as he looks at your figure. He’s admiring you - he wants to make you feel pretty. You’re the prettiest woman in the world to him, and all he wants to do is make you feel it. He leans into you, his body pressed to yours as your legs are tangled. Spencer always cradles your face when he kisses you, as if he’s trying to hold you as close to him as possible. Spencer treats you like glass, his touch an ink stain leaving your body with permanent color as he kisses you. His tongue pushes past your lips softly, before pulling back. His fingers are so nimble, tugging with the sides of your shirt, staving himself off as he feels your bare thighs.

His mouth moves to your neck, peppering kisses along the sides of the column of your throat. He grips your thighs, feeling your wrap your legs around his waist pulling him closer. Spencer tugs at the ends of your shirt, detaching from you so you can get it off. He chokes at the sight of you without your top on and you can’t help but hide your face. Spencer's face leans in, taking your nipple in his while he uses his free hand to gently brush against the other one.

“You’re beautiful, you look so good like this,” Spencer comments. A soft whine escapes your lips at the combination of words and Spencers touch. He was sweet with every movement but damn he had way too many clothes on.

“Spence, take it off,” you whine. Spencer gives you a small laugh, taking off his shirt before hovering over you again. His body was surprisingly toned from being out in the field and you definitely weren’t upset about seeing it. Your hands find their way around his waist, touching his skin in appreciation. He gives you a shy smile, before his head ducks down again, moving to kiss down past your breasts to your stomach and above your naval. His kisses are gentle, mouth careful in leaving them in as many places as possible. He stops when he ghosts his mouth over your panties, placing a kiss on your vulva - a wet spot formed on the light color. Spencer moves to kiss your thighs, getting close to your center and taking his time with it. Small hickies take place all along your skin, Spencer wanted to mark the word “mine,” into your skin with his mouth. He wanted you to think of him always, but especially when you were doing this.

Your breaths are staggered and heavy, as Spencer rubs you down with his hands - palms massaging your legs as he touched you. For the first time in your life, when someone touched you could feel how much they meant it. Maybe it’s because Spencer manages to make things you’ve felt before feel different - he makes everything feel better.

Spencer slides your panties down your legs carefully. His eyes are low when he sees your clit, sensitive and aching for his attention. He places a kiss on it first before he sticks his tongue out flat for you. Your fingers grip his hair immediately, legs wrapped around his shoulders where you could see him shift his weight to unzip his jeans and get himself off which only worked you up farther. Spencer eats you out like he’s been starved of you his whole life, head rhythmic as he brings you to your orgasm and slows down. He’s making an attempt to savor you but enjoys the sound of irritation you make every time he stops, something he’d explore farther at a later date. You’d gotten head before but it always came off as a favor and not like your partner wanted to do it for you. Spencer made sure you knew he wanted just as much as you did.

You orgasm in Spencer mouth twice in borderline succession as Spencer refuses to pull away, smiling as he holds your hips down and makes your whole body shiver. You have to catch your breath when he finally spares you and gives you a toothy-boyish grin of satisfaction that you only ever saw when he beats you in a card game. You look down at him adoringly, wanting to cry at how lucky you felt. You pull him to kiss you and he looks at you for a second - a questioning one since he just had his tongue inside you. You roll your eyes in a “duh, that’s the point way,” and Spencer swallows thickly.

“Do you want me to return the favor? Because I’m more than happy too,” you say reaching for his dick, which twitched at your touch. Spencer shakes his head.

“Not right now, wanna focus on you tonight,” Spencer replies. You look at him with the most affectionate puppy dog eyes and Spencer bursts out into full giggles. God, he loved you.

“Can I?,” Spencers question is tentative, and all you do in response is open your legs up wider for him and give him a nod. You mouth a “please,” to him and Spencer just smiles, kissing you softly.

Spencer stretches you out so fucking good. He’s careful, whispering pretty nothings about how beautiful you are and how lucky he was. The words were only fuel to the fire as you tighten around Spencer and some choked sound leaves his throat. Out of curiosity, you do it again and Spencer moans aloud. You give him a raised eyebrow and his voice is suddenly low.

“Do that again and I’ll cum,” Spencer warns. You giggled for a second before looking up at Spencer's face.

“You can cum in me if you’d like to,” you say, voice innocent “I’m on the pill,” Spencer wants to cum right then and there but he pauses to take a deep breath.

“Think I’ll have to take you up on that,” Spencer groans. You use one hand to rub your clit as Spencer pulls his hips back and starts to fuck you. The motion is slow at first, not wanting to hurt you but your voice in his ear only urges you to go deeper.

“I’m so lucky to have you like this love, you’re so pretty for me,” Spencer's praises are so sweet to you. Sugar to aching ears when he speaks lovely words for you. You whine.

“Spencer please cum in me - god, please,” you egg Spencer on as you get yourself off one last time. Spencer presses his forehead to yours, pausing for a second to kiss you sweetly before pounding into you again.

“Shit,” Spencer's voice feels like it gets stolen from him as he finishes inside, feeling your orgasm aftermath convulse around him pushes him off the edge as you look at him warmly, a soft blush flooding your expression.

“I love you so much,” you giggle to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and allowing him to rest his body weight on you. Spencer wants to stay with you like this forever, wanting to wrap you up in his arms and hold you for eternity. He was hoping you’d let him.

“I wanna stay like this, but let’s go get cleaned up first,” you say thoughtfully “I can wash your hair for you and we can shower together,” you say softly. Tears well up in Spencers eyes - remember the last time you did just that for him. He nods softly, burying his face in your neck, kissing new bruises that were soon to become dark purples.

____

You come out of the shower first as you hear a knock on your door. It’s been a few minutes and the knocking has been incessant, you figure it’s a neighbor or maybe someone who needed help. You wrap your robe around yourself and towel around your hair before you open up the door.

To your fucking dismay, it’s JJ, Emily, and Penelope - all stood outside with a bottle of wine as a greeting. Your eyes pop open immediately as you try to brush away the panic and give them all a fake smile.

“Hey guys! What are you all doing here so late?,” you ask, internal panic threatening your life. They all give you a knowing look.

“Well, we wanted to talk to you about something and we figure -,” Garcia starts but is interrupted by the sound of Spencer's voice, calling out to you as he walks out of the shower and in view of the open door. He can’t see them, but they can see him and he’s covered in hickies. You shut your eyes in disbelief as they all go dead silent.

“Oh - oh my god is that Spencer?,” JJ asks shocked. You’re going to throw yourself in front of a bus.

“Shit,” Spencer bolts into the other room leaving you to deal with the mess. You were so gonna get him for that later. You give them all an apologetic look.

“We, uh - yeah,” you say a little distant. They all just giving you a knowing look, even Garcia even though that’s mixed with a bit of disgust.

“We’ll see you on Monday, Y/N,” Emily says, being an angel and cutting the conversation short. You just nod as she drags a blabbering Garcia and deadsilent JJ away, reminding yourself to send her a thank you note later on. You walk into the room with Spencer and he gives you a guilty look, eyes apologetic as you roll your eyes, walking up to him to kiss him.

“You’re so goddamn lucky I like you, dickhead,”

“You like me?,” Spencer asks, wrapping his arms around your waist before falling over to lay down with you.

“Oh shut up, you know I do,” your tone is mean but your face gives you away. Spencer kisses you long and slow before looking at you again. The room is barred with loving silence, it feels every part of the air. It’s domestic, soft and adoring. A person whose love made you feel child-like joy but whose being brought your soul such comfort. You and Spencer lay in your bedroom like that for a while.

“We should change right?” you ask laughing. Spencer nods.

“I have clothes for you in my dresser,” you remind. Spencer nods as he stands up, slipping on some boxers and a shirt. You change into some old college pj’s and shorts and get laid up next to Spencer.

There’s this silence that fills the room. It’s difficult to describe, the feeling of it is so new and hard to pinpoint exactly. You can feel it just barely on your skin, the way Spencer's arms hold your waist as the two of you lay next to each other, closing the gaps of space that fall between you - just itching for that familiar feeling of closeness. Spencer Reid was the closest thing to heaven you ever got - scruffy face and curious eyes. It’s hard to find truth in another person, yet stil Spencer shows up for you and kisses away all your nightmares. Loving him was so certain, but the fact that he loved you too felt unreal, still. Maybe it always would. It was a lot for you to take in but the feeling of him at your side, face on your chest sleepily messing with your hands. The way he looks up at you with such a pretty expression, mouthing the words I love you. It was the silence in the room and the cadence it managed - the soft and lulling adoration buzzing the nerves on your skin and kissing you awake. This was more than love, but faith. A regained faith in the notion that good things really can happen to good people. Spencer's love to you was a promise from the universe that good things are always around you even if you don’t see it at first.

Spencer is so relaxed against you now, you read his body language and can feel his exhaustion. You were so attuned to him, fingers aching to run through his hair and tell him how proud you were. Spencer made your heart light - his beaming smile turning you flush. Beautiful - him, this, the universe. Loving Spencer made the world feel so beautiful, even though both of you encountered such darkness in it. You were going to marry him someday, you were so sure of it. Someday you and Spencer would grow old and live with some livestock in a cottage somewhere far from here like he wanted. Or maybe a house in the suburbs with two babies you call your own - and a cat, and a dog too. Anything would work for you, but Spencer is probably a bit more picky.

For you and Dr. Spencer Reid, love has always been a case study in body language. People lie, or hide the truth when they talk - so the two of you have never fallen in love with the words you may exchange. Instead you’ve fallen in love with the gentle touches, the longing glances and lingering hugs - or the feeling of their skin on yours when the night is too cold to be alone. It was the dilating pupils, and the feelings that universe seemed to fall away when the two of you shared looks to each other. You fell for Spencers subconscious before you ever fell for his mind or his body - the little things he did like raising his shoulders when he was happy, or fiddling with your hands when he was deep in thought, you fell in love with the things Spencer would never see for himself and he did the same for you. Spencer fell for the way you moved without thinking. For the person you were when all the curtains were closed.

Love is anything but conscious. Love is deep-rooted in the sheer notion of that being alive is worth something, which is to say love is the basis of life. Not romantic love - but all love. Love is the basis of life. Spencer Reid loved you, sharing a piece of his life. In returns you gave him yours. An eye for an eye can give us sight we could never have before, if the exchange is born of adoration.

There are still so many unresolved knots to tie, but for now it didn’t matter. Just like those first two months, Spencer is laying at your side and he smells like you. For now, he was here with you - as the two of you fell so deeply for each other as the seconds passed. There are so many questions to answer, but that’s okay for now.

You two had all the time in the world to figure the rest out, and for him - thats more than enough.

This silence was more than enough.

____

taglist: @cynbx @zephyr-studiesjp @skrrrrrrrrrrt @reid-187 @louistwinslover @pastanest @nomajdetective @iamburdened @secretlyablueunicorn

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid angst #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfic #Criminal Minds #criminal minds smut #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #a case study in body language #i cant believe it's over #i hope yall like it.

255 notes · View notes

always-anxious612 · 4 years

Text

Magic in the Air: Chapter 3

Description: Roman is struggling. Logan pushes a little too far. Things don’t go well to say the least.

Pairings: roceit, analogical, eventual intruality, platonic drlamp

Warnings: panic attack, sharp objects, yelling, small injury mention, crying (let me know if I missed something or you want something tagged)

Word Count: 2,913

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

It had been a couple of weeks since Roman had discovered his magic and with Logan’s help, he had actually progressed quite a lot. He could actually manage to lift and control a few small objects on his own now, though he still tended to at least rattle a few objects when he got startled or overly excited. Virgil, who had at first sat in on Roman’s lessons with Logan to make sure nothing went wrong, now found himself going simply to watch the two test what Roman could do. Everything was going great. Virgil would even say things had been going better than ever. He should have known better to think the peace could last. And the first hint should have come yesterday morning at breakfast…

“Ok, Roman. You’ve done quite an exemplary job so far at learning how to control you’re magic. I was thinking that we could perform an experiment or test if you will.” Logan proposed.

“What kind of test?” Roman questioned, ignoring his brother’s jealous grumblings at the mention of his magic.

“Well, I’d just like to test your skills if you don’t mind. I’ll explain it more later this evening when we have another session.” Roman looked slightly wary, but his nod was determined. As Logan let an excited smile flit over his lips, Virgil felt a twist of apprehension squeeze his gut. Strange, but not unusual for him. With an annoyed sigh, he shrugged it off.

Then another hint that afternoon when he’d been attempting to help Roman for a quiz he had in his next class.

“You know, you’re lucky that the university is only like five minutes from our house for the amount of times you run back here to get one of us to help you cram.”

“I can’t focus when I study by myself.” Roman pouted making Virgil roll his eyes.

“Let’s just get started.” He grumbled. They studied for about two minutes before Roman got distracted again.

“Hey, Virge?” he started, staring blankly at the wall in front of the two. “Did you think my prop looked ok?” That—was not what Virgil was expecting.

“Roman, of course. Your prop was beautiful.” Virgil assured, remembering the highly detailed book Roman had turned in a few days after he discovered his magic.

“Hm, thank you.” He replied quietly.

“What brought on the sudden doubt, Princey? You were pretty proud of it when you showed it to us a couple weeks ago.”

“Oh, um, the results came out today. I—didn’t win. I wasn’t runner-up either. The winner and runner-up were both superb, though. They deserved it. I’m surprised you didn’t see the announcement. You should have heard about it in your art class this morning.”

“I was working on a set design for the play all morning. I didn’t bother listening to announcements. Sorry, Ro. For the record, your prop was amazing.” Virgil couldn’t shake the feeling that something else was bothering him, but he tried to shake it off. He was probably just reading too much into things again. Roman offered a half-smile at the compliment before looking at the clock.

“Oh crap, I have to go. I’m gonna be late!” he groaned, scrambling to collect his things. Virgil only laughed, still trying to ignore the growing pit in his stomach.

Then, after Roman and Logan got home from classes, there was one more hint. One more chance that he could have actually listened to his gut and spoken his thoughts. How he wished he actually did that.

“Ok, Roman,” Logan began looking at his notes from the past weeks, “The test shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish, but I want to push your limits a little.”

“Push my limits?” Roman questioned, tone bordering on nervous.

“Yes. You have demonstrated remarkable control the past few lessons and have adapted to your special skill quite well. However, so far we’ve only been having you move or float one or two items at a time. I would like to test just how many items you can levitate at a time.”

Virgil chewed his lip at Logan’s words. Of course, the plan was brilliant. It would help them know how much control Roman really had and what his limit was, but…Virgil couldn’t help the odd feeling gut. Especially when he glanced at Roman and saw a flash of apprehension in his eyes. But…it was normal to be nervous. I mean, he was about to really test his ability for the first time after all

“You sure you want me to unleash all of my amazing skills, Lo?” he chuckled, hiding his nerves with practiced ease. Logan only sighed and rolled his eyes, though a small smile briefly flitted over his lips.

“Quite sure.” He replied.

“Ok. Let’s get to it, then.”

Honestly, after that, everything had actually been going ok. Roman had had about ten objects in the air and was balancing them all pretty well. Unfortunately, he did seem to be struggling with holding everything. Which wasn’t a problem until Logan tried to add two more items.

“I can’t Logan.” Roman had protested, trying not to remove too much of his attention from the other stuff.

“Fine, just one more then.” Logan pushed.

“Logan, I can’t.”

“Roman, how do you know if you won’t even try. The most that will happen is you drop all of the items, which we made sure weren’t breakable for this exact purpose.”

“I don’t know, Lo. Maybe you should let him stop here.” Virgil jumped in, the odd feeling in his gut becoming sharper than ever. Too bad he listened to it too late.

“If we don’t push the limits of what you can do, how will you ever learn? It’s just one more item Roman.” Logan insisted.

“I—I can’t Logan. I can’t do it. I can’t—I can’t do anything. Just stop” and just like that everything fell apart. Instead of dropping everything, though, things started to fly through the air, matching the intensity of Roman’s emotions.

Virgil had felt it. All day he had felt that something was wrong. All the hints that Roman wasn’t having the best day were there. He could have prevented this he knew he could have. He should have noticed how wary Roman looked when he Logan mentioned setting up the test that morning. He should have seen the insecurity behind Roman’s shrugged off disappointment when he didn’t win the prop contest. He should have paid more attention to the fear that flashed across Roman’s eyes when Logan told him what the test was. But he didn’t. And now, all he could do was grip the sofa as objects swirled violently around him. He couldn’t see where Logan had hidden but he knew Roman was at the center of the tornado of stuff.

“Roman!” he tried yelling over the sound of crashing and clanging. “Roman calm down.” But if anything, the barrage only increased. Virgil was just trying to think of a way to make his way to Roman to calm him down when he saw Logan out of the corner of his eye. He was huddled not very far away from Virgil in the corner of the room. The look of fear in his usually calm and collected eyes made Virgil’s heart twist with fear of his own, but not as much as the sharp shard of glass flying directly at Logan did.

“Logan!” Virgil screamed, not thinking as he lunged to get in front of his friend. He tensed, fully expecting to be impaled by the glass, but…nothing happened. That didn’t mean—Logan couldn’t have somehow still gotten—Virgil hesitantly pulled away from where he had landed on Logan’s chest, scared of what he would find. He definitely didn’t expect to find a strange clear dome surrounding them both, glowing a soft purple.

“V-Virgil.” Logan whispered, staring at the glass that had dropped right outside the dome.

“Wha—” Virgil started, dumbfounded

“Protection magic.” Logan gasped, looking back up to him, eyes wide. “Virgil you have magic. You have a special skill. Protection magic. Making shields in any shape in order to protect. It was most likely triggered by your fight or flight response.”

“I—I what?”

Logan was about to answer when another object slammed into the wall beside them right outside of the dome that Virgil had apparently created.

“We have to get to Roman.” Logan said instead. Licking his lips nervously, Virgil nodded in agreement. If he could just keep the shield up, they could get to Roman and calm him down. Luckily, Virgil’s adrenaline was still high, and the flight or fight response Logan had talked about apparently picked fight. He could do this.

“Follow me, Logan.” Virgil instructed, getting up and taking a tentative step forward to see if the dome would move with him. Thank God it did. In no time, they were to the center of Roman’s literal emotional mess, only flinching a few times when things flew against the side of the shield. As Virgil neared Roman, he could feel the dome starting to flicker. He was calming down a little after all. The center wasn’t nearly as bad as anywhere else. Almost peaceful, actually…like the eye of a storm (a few small objects whizzing past the only exceptions). By the time Virgil knelt in front of the panicking actor, the dome was completely gone.

“Ro. Roman, listen to me.” he began, trying to keep the urgency out of his voice “Just take a deep breathe. We—”

“Roman?!” a frantic yell made Virgil’s head whip toward the front door where Dee had just come home. That meant Patton and Remus would be home soon too. They needed to hurry. Virgil quickly turned his attention back to Ro, believing that Dee would be smart enough to keep his distance and find some cover while he and Logan tried to calm Roman. Apparently he thought wrong because soon Dee was right next to them, though his face was littered with quite a few small cuts and a couple of forming bruises. As much as Virgil wanted to yell at him for doing something as stupid as diving into a tornado of flying objects, he focused on trying to get Roman’s breathing regular. After a while of breathing exercises, encouragement, and (after getting hesitant permission) comforting hugs, Roman’s breaths evened out, though he had started crying quite hard somewhere in the mix.

“That’s it, Ro. Deep breaths. You’re ok.” Virgil soothed as softly as he could over the noise around him. After one more deep, calming breath, Roman collapsed sobbing into Virgil’s chest and everything else seemed to collapse with him. Everything stopped mid-motion and came crashing to the ground, leading the way to a silence that seemed extremely misplaced after all the racket.

“’M sorry.” Roman muttered, pulling away from Virgil after he had calmed down his sobs a little.

“I—I was just having a—I was struggling with—I didn’t…I didn’t have a great day and I, um, I got scared when I couldn’t handle everything and stuff flew out of control. I’m sorry. I’m s-so sorry.” He managed between hiccupping breaths.

“No, Roman, it is I who should apologize. I believe I got so carried away with the excitement of doing experiments that I did not stop when I should have. I shouldn’t have pushed you when you are the one who would know your limitations the best.”

“Ro, next time you have a bad day, love, you should really try telling someone. It can help, I promise. I—I used to bottle things up too, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t do anything but let the pain build up until it’s forced out in a less than ideal way.” Dee stepped in, cupping Roman’s face gently. Roman leaned into the touch even as a blush tinged his cheeks.

“Thank you.” He whispered.

“Of course, darling. You know we all support you. We love you, Roman. M-Me especially. The—The love part, I mean.” Dee replied, not moving his hand from Roman’s face. Wait…did Dee stammer? Virgil raised an eyebrow at the two. Of course, Roman’s affections were obvious, but Dee had always been a master at hiding his true feelings.

“Um—what? Y-You?” Roman breathed confused. Dee nodded leaning closer and moving so that he was cupping Roman’s face with both hands. Both of their faces were flushed bright red as they hesitantly leaned closer and—Ok that was enough for Virgil. Trying his best not to ruin their moment, he grabbed Logan’s arm and made a quiet but hasty retreat as the other two finally melted into a kiss.

“They had feelings for each other?” Logan gaped, glancing back at the blushing pair.

“Logan. Roman has obviously been into Deceit for a while now. I wasn’t sure about Dee, but I suppose it looks like he returns the feelings.” Virgil snorted, heading to the kitchen to make some tea.

“Oh.” Logan replied, glancing at the broken glass and debris as he followed Virgil.

“We should clean up.” he pointed out

“We will, Lo; but first let’s just relax for a second. A lot happened just now.”

“Right.”

Something in his tone made Virgil glance up, eyeing his friend carefully. He had adopted his normal neutral expression once again, but Virgil knew better. He could see the guilt tinging his expression. Setting down the two cups he had just gotten out for the tea, he sighed and turned to face Logan fully

“You know that wasn’t your fault, right?” he assured. Logan just stared at the floor.

“Lo—”

“If I hadn’t pushed him so hard, he wouldn’t have…This wouldn’t have happened. It was foolish of me to let my excitement get the better of me.” Logan interrupted, with a hard edge to his voice.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being excited.” Virgil urged. He honestly loved seeing Logan so excited. It was rare to see that light in his eyes. It was rare seeing him express much emotion in general other than a brief flicker of a smile or a flash of something in his eyes.

“And Princey—Roman was already having a bad day. You may have added the thing that made everything boil over, but trust me, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have taken much to do that anyway. If anybody is to blame. It’s me.” Virgil confessed guiltily.

“You?”

“Yeah. I mean, I felt like something was off with Ro the whole day. All the signs that he wasn’t ok were there, and I just—I don’t know I had a feeling that something was wrong, but I didn’t do anything. If I had just talked to him…I don’t know, I could have helped. I could have stopped this.”

Logan’s silence was all it took to convince Virgil that he really was to blame. He should have spoken up earlier.

“I should apologize to him. This is all my fault.” He whispered, glancing back to the living room where Dee was now holding Roman close and rocking them back and forth.

“Falsehood.”

“What?”

“Falsehood. It is not your fault, Virgil. There was no way for you know that he was doing so badly, no matter what you felt. Roman is an excellent actor, after all. And even if you had talked to him, Roman is also very stubborn. There’s no guarantee that he would have told you what was wrong or that it would prevent all of this. And—And I shouldn’t have pushed him so much; but I—I suppose that there was no way I could have known how bad he was either…” Logan swallowed thickly before continuing “There is no use dwelling on the past right now, anyway. The fact is that we couldn’t prevent it, but now we can learn from it. I believe it’s good that Roman finally got his feelings out, even if it did cause quite a bit of destruction. Now we can help him and learn to recognize when he’s not feeling the best.”

Virgil nodded hesitantly at his words, before impulsively throwing himself at Logan’s chest. Neither of them had always been the most “touchy-feely” type, but Virgil couldn’t help himself. He needed a hug. After a second of surprise, Logan hugged him back tightly and Virgil sagged in relief.

“And thank you, Virgil.”

“Thank you for what?” Virgil asked, voice muffled from where he was still buried in Logan’s chest.

“For saving me. If not for your forcefield…well, just thank you.”

Virgil glanced up at the softness in Logan’s voice, leaning away from the hug slightly.

“Anytime, Lo. Th-Thank you too. For, you know.”

Logan smiled softly and nodded with an odd look in his eyes before, surprisingly, pulling Virgil back into the hug.

“I love you.” Logan whispered squeezing him tight. Virgil’s breath caught in his throat at the words, his face burning just as bright as Logan’s probably was judging from the heat radiating from his face. But still, he couldn’t help the smile that made its way to his lips as he squeezed Logan just as tight.

“I love you too, Logan.”

His new magic, the mess, and the rest of the world could wait. Virgil was perfectly content to stay in Logan’s arms. Perfectly content to soak in the words they’d just confessed. Perfectly content to—to be in love. And in love he certainly was.

Taglist: @catolicabuena, @look-ma-im-on-tv, @its-always-the-witching-hour, @sure-i-exist

35 notes · View notes

2bstudioblog · 3 years

Text

Konami’s wheels are turning... slowly

Lot’s of interesting news heading to our heads this Monday from what I heard from Yong Yea’s video about Konami wanting to outsource their IP’s to 3rd parties.

Obviously, Akira Yamaoka has kinda given away a strong hint that he’s working on a project with Bloober which in this case would be the long awaited SH remake or the direction they had with PT before it got cancelled. Akira Yamaoka also decided that (too late) he wanted to amend the article from his interview and release it later down the line. It’s very unusual that these news happen, but we all know Yamaoka is most famous for his music in Silent Hill.

Which brings me to a funny story about my own involvement of a Silent Hill game. I mentioned this on a podcast that I was part of 2 Konami-owned IP’s that went into another direction and killing off their franchises which have been like dead bodies in a morgue for the last 7 years.

I got the request to write industrial-metal music for a Silent Hill (of course at this time I only knew the IP and their most famous version of the game has been Silent Hill 2.) game. First I was of course very excited to be part of the series, but I jumped to early until I found out it was a Pachinko-machine (A japanese style pinball-game mixed with a touch-screen and a one-armed bandit and a slot-machine in one.), and my heart sank a little. I think I produced 4-5 cues for the machine, but I’m glad that nobody will be able to hear my “mediocre” masterpieces because all you would hear are metal-balls falling into a tray. But the thing about this machine, it had taken cut-scenes from Silent Hill 2, upscaled or even re-mastered/remade the graphics which would have looked great if it was its own game. But it was the same thing they’ve done with all their other IPs when those transfer over to this kind of entertainment. All what was left of it, Jim Sterling turned the game into a Meme and all I can hear is the -”HIT THE LEVER!” and the effects overpowering the music behind it. But I’m glad it didn’t go further then that. Technically here, Silent Hill(s) died with the arrival of the pachinko-slot machine and the series have tried to re-establish itself ever since.

Another game I was a part of was a Castlevania (Dracula in Japan) themed Pachinko-slot machine, with the revolutionary phrase “Erotic Violence” in it’s PR material and video-commercial. I mean, they took the music production part of this machine very seriously because I wasn’t aware of the “EV” part. I just thought it would be a machine praising the history of Castlevania. I was assigned to re-write and re-orchestrate a few songs from Neo-classical Metal music into more Progressive Metal style, and I was super-proud of this one because they had the sheet-music already available for me. All I had to do was re-arrange some parts for a string-quartet (1 cello, 2 violins and 1 viola) and I believe it was engineered and recorded by famed engineer Kenji Nakai who was under and working with famed engineer Mr Bruce Swedien (Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones).

From that moment me and Mr. Nakai stroke a friendship because he has a passion for Progressive Metal and he asked me if I could send more songs his way. From this we both have been incredibly busy on both of our ends, but I hope we can be able to work on something in the future. I have a feeling that might be soon.

So a long story short, Konami spent a lot of money for recording, they approved everything and we were done. But when it turned out to be a pachinko-machine and not a world-wide videogame release, I just had to facepalm myself, asking the question why they keep doing so many poor decisions. Why leaving all those fans out in the cold and really start making Castlevania mean something. This void of “lots of fancy things, but no substance” started right here...

Konami are turning their wheels a little bit too late and too slow until now. After they got rid of Hideo Kojima (Who I believe was thinking of the international-market rather than the domestic one), Konami had only one thing on their minds: Making money quick and domestically. No more wasted time on translations, straight for the gambling crowd. No need to write interesting stories. No need to introduce kids to this adult material. They wanted to earn it back as fast as possible. But we all see their decisions put them on the map as a “black-company”, who mistreat their staff, shaming them out in the office for overstaying their lunch-breaks. Moving staff from one business to another, from a programmer to a Konami-fitness Center-staff, or as a toilet-cleaner at a Konami-owned pachinko-slot gambling hall. The management of the company has been horrendous for the full-time employee. I’m glad I was not part of these later projects and only wrote stuff for them for Pro Evolution Soccer series from 2009-2012. (My work on 2010-2012 was unfortunately un-credited work. :(

Metal Gear Solid V - The Phantom Pain In My Ass

When the playable teaser called Metal Gear Solid - Ground Zeroes, came out on the PS3 and later on the PS4, it was an introduction for the new graphics engine designed by Hideo Kojima’s team, simply called The FOX-Engine. Basically this “game” was more of a demo rather than a full-product. But it looked great and with a fantastic score by Akihiro Honda, Ludvig Forssell and Harry Gregson-Williams, it had everything going for it to become something really awesome. It became a standard approach from Hideo Kojima now to produce “Playable Teasers” to show a great concept while offering a 3-4 hour short campaign, showing off the engine’s graphical capabilities.

Still, the story was under progress and I knew early on that Hideo Kojima really didn’t want to do it after he always felt that Metal Gear Solid 4 was final. But here is the curse of the die-hard fans, and I’m sorry to say it. No matter how many Iron Man movies Marvel crams out, at the 3rd movie, I started to feel “This does not feel like Iron Man anymore”. But that’s what the fans wanted and is a standard in the movie industry. Always produce a trilogy. Indiana Jones has always been the 3 movies from 1981-1989. The 4th one doesn’t really need to be called Indiana Jones at all. It was there I felt, just like with Metal Gear Solid V, they were beating a DEAD RACE HORSE.

I can’t deny the talents on display for Metal Gear Solid - Ground Zeroes. It laid down some really cool foundations for the gameplay, but I still believe the better game-series for stealth was beaten by the likes of Splinter Cell and most recently Thief. Stealth in MGS has always felt a little bit childish and I only really enjoyed MGS 1, MGS 2, tried to play MGS 3 (still have it one my Vita!) and will try to finish it. MGS 3 has felt like the TRUE Zeroes experience, with the inception of the story and lore behind the cloning of Big Boss. MGS 4 finally brought it all to a great finale and I felt, there is NOTHING more to tell. MGS 1, 2 and 4 is the Trilogy, MGS 3 serves as the Prequel and I see nothing wrong with that.

Mission - Erase Kojima’s Legacy

The making of MGS V - The Phantom Pain is kinda true to it’s title. Can you feel the nostalgia? Or are we just imagining the sensation of a Metal Gear Solid game past it’s prime? The missing link? The missing limb? And with the worlds biggest cop-out of everything that had to do with story was completely missing.

Each mission is playing out every time the same, with an intro to a TV-show, giving away massive spoilers to who would appear in the mission, you do your thing (not so much of story, just a “go-here, do that approach, sneak back out, head to pick-up) rinse and repeat. I wonder how much of this was Kojima’s fault? I don’t think he was up to it. I’m sure he fought for more story but the big heads didn’t want to listen to what makes a MGS game a MGS game. The new management had now already played the hand to disown the man who put Konami on the map for games since the mid 80s.

The game is no longer marketed like before. The tagline “A Hideo Kojima Game” no longer exists and will never be part of Konami’s mission of erasing the person who gave them their fame and the recognition that a game carrying the name Konami was a brand of quality for any gamer out there. Me myself, personally only played PES because of the stellar animations, but its recently since 2012, I stopped playing the series. FIFA had already cheapened itself, PES likewise. Updating the graphics, but the same old animations have been recycled back to the PES3 days. Maybe there’s been an update in the collision engine, but otherwise everything stayed the same, with the huge amount of data collected from previous years of motion-capture, why do it all over when its all about the brand recognition? Saving money on processes wherever possible. Simple Math. And here it is. MGS V is not a MGS game.

We already knew it was going to be a massive budget behind the game of MGS V. But what can Konami do to save money on MGS V? They already have the Fox Engine running from Ground Zeroes. The assets for “Snake” (I’ll let you know why I put quotation-marks around it) and standard models will extend somewhat. Oh, yes, let’s save money on a character that doesn’t speak (Quiet), over-sexualize the character to start a fan-base of people who just dig character design, animated a sexy “shower” routine for the character for boys to go nuts over. What about voice? Let’s not really try to sync the voices to the mouths. Let’s have the guy from “24″ record his performances onto tape-logs. Kiefer Sutherland would have been a good “Snake”, but I understand now that you are not “SNAKE”. The game explains pretty soon at the end that you are just a Medic and all the tapes you’ve been listening to is the original Big Boss. You never where the character of Snake. Even though this all could have been handled better, Konami wanted to save money wherever possible. We also knew David Hayter was not asked or put forward to return as “The Voice of Snake”. But in this case I start to wonder myself, David Hayter might have dodged the biggest bullet in the most expensive, commercial and very controversial game of all time once Konami decided to kill everything that built up their reputation.

Even during production Kojima managed to start working on PT. The game Konami “silenced” after it was released on the PS-store. Guillermo Del Toro and his friendship with Hideo Kojima’s dream-game was put on ice. All because Kojima was about to get frozen out of the company that was according to Konami “Wasting too much bloody money”. I might get blacklisted for saying this, but once the new management started to mess with the other IPs for just domestic/gambling market, that’s where everything went sideways. Konami wasn’t treating their heritage with respect.

It took them 7 years to realize their mistake! And now, for those who wants to be part of 3rd party developers who would get a crack at a new Castlevania, a new Metal Gear Solid (remake I hope), Konami has realized that the only way they will survive (Yeah, Metal Gear Solid Survive killed them HARD) is to let other’s take over. Maybe my dream of scoring a Metal Gear Solid game would be somewhat more possible now rather than working in the confined space of limitations posed by the higher ups at Konami. Let 3rd party developers breathe life into the IPs because I know there are smarter ways to tell a story and I would gladly like to see the return of David Hayter in the seat, without having to deal with the blank-face approach that he was faced with every time he had to audition for Snake in MGS 2, 3 and 4! David Hayter is a fantastic writer, actor and voice-actor. He has the chops and I think we are all ready for either a re-make or a better follow up to MGS 2 and the time between that one and MGS 4.

#Metal Gear Solid V #the phantom pain #Konami #Hideo Kojima #Akira Yamaoka #Yong Yea #Castlevania #Pachinko #Silent Hill #PT #Ground Zeroes #harry gregson williams #ludvig forssell #3rd Party #Bloober team #remake #Metal Gear Solid Remake

4 notes · View notes

365-money-diary · 3 years

Text

DAYS 43-49

DAY FORTY-THREE

7:30 AM - Up a little early so I can close on my house. The process is pretty easy and I feel safe about it and such. We do it on the front porch with 6 foot folding table.

8:30 AM - I need to re-caulk the side door trim before I can start painting so I do that while I make my chemex. This is fun (not) because I don’t own a caulk gun.

10:30 AM - Eat a plant yogurt

12:00 PM - Snack on chips and salsa – damn the salsa I made is so good this time. Also make salad for lunch. I’m set up in the kitchen today which is clearly a bad scene because I keep going to the pantry for more snacks. Relocate to the bedroom.

2:00 PM - I really should get my barre class out of the way today. I have a 4PM happy hour and I know I won’t want to work out after that, so I do a 10 minute low impact ride and then start class.

4:00 PM - I get done with most of the class and hop on zoom. Make refried beans in the instant pot for dinner while we chat.

5:00 PM - Finish the zoom and knock out the last 10 minutes of barre. I don’t like to split the classes up like that but oh well.

6:00 PM - Finish making the beans as well as rice and jackfruit for burritos. K isn’t hungry so I watch an episode of The Challenge before making the burritos.

7:30 PM - Ok these are really good. Dang! I don’t want to drink tonight so I open a La Croix and try to hydrate.

DAY FORTY-THREE TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-FOUR

8:00 AM - I’m awake and I feel really good. K is still pretty conked out and I get the idea to go to Cartel. I haven’t been in a few months because cases were super high but now seems like a good opportunity. This is the one thing I do behind K’s back. It’s contactless and it’s super safe so I don’t really consider it to be a risk but I know he isn’t ready to drink things directly out of containers they’re served in on the same day you buy them so let’s just leave this between us. Buy a hot oat milk latte and tip $10. $17.57

10:00 AM - Make a chemex so K doesn’t suspect anything. Hang with him on the couch for a bit and then start moving around the furniture in the kitchen to start taping.

11:30 AM - Take a break to cook breakfast - tofu/egg tacos with field roast sausage.

12:15 PM - Back to taping. It takes forev, but I think I did a good job.

3:45 PM - First coat done. Watch an episode of The challenge before I apply the second.

5:30 PM - Done with the second. Watch more of the challenge.

7:00 PM - Dinner tonight is pozole. I take my time making it and drink a glass of wine while I cook.

8:00 PM - Dang this is so delicious.

DAY FORTY-FOUR TOTAL: $17.57

DAY FORTY-FIVE

9:00 AM - Woah I am SO SORE. What the hell? My quads. Make a chemex and work on putting the kitchen back together, but I run out of time and have to meet with S and her BF on zoom. K joins me and it’s a really good time.

11:15 PM - Ok back to tape removal.

12:15 PM - Done! / Looks good! Make more tofu tacos for breakfast.

2:00 PM - My boss is applying for citizenship in the US and she asked me to help build her a website. I have totally spaced it over the past two weeks and get cracking on it today. Make some good progress and send her what I have.

4:00 PM - Watch some episodes of The Challenge. For whatever reason this feels like the first time I’ve actually relaxed this weekend and I am here for it.

6:00 PM - We drive to a bar I DJ at on the reg during non-pandemic times to do a pick up of their Valentine’s Day special. Neither K or I are big V Day fans and we feel like this is good enough to “celebrate.” We get two veggie dogs, fries and a bottle of wine to take home. J (my friend who owns the bar) runs my card for $31ish and I tip $20. K insists he pays and he venmos me $50. $1.89

7:00 PM - I haven’t had fries in like… a year. And these ones are really delicious! The wine is good too. Spend the rest of the evening catching up on my blog. I haven’t felt very motivated to work on it this month.

8:00 PM - Get a charge from Amazon… S is buying movies again. Make a venmo request for $16 and she fulfills it. $0.19

DAY FORTY-FIVE TOTAL: $2.08

DAY FORTY-SIX

8:30 AM - WOW I am still sore WTF. Make a chemex and notice my tea kettle has a rust spot. Damnit. At this point, I would rather just buy an electric kettle with a gooseneck spout to get rid of both of my kettles, but I’m trying to stick to my budget this month. I’ve been covering K’s groceries throughout the pandemic and he owes me around $2k at this point. Because of this, I’ve kind of cut back on clothing and other frivolous purchases until he starts to pay me back so I can still save money every month. But rust is rust and I don’t want to get sick. Buy a Stagg EKG kettle with a nice wood handle. $160.62

10:00 AM - plant yogurt, a clementine and Pure Barre weekly charge. $15

12:00 PM - It’s salad time but I’m kind of out of tempeh and am a little burnt out on the miso Asian vibe anyways. Toss together some greens, bell pepper, onion, carrots, snap peas, cucumber, and a frozen Quorn spicy chicken patty and top it with cashew ranch. It’s honestly really good.

4:00 PM - Call M to wish him a happy bday. Tell him either next Sunday or the Sunday after that we will do a lunch thing together in his backyard to celebrate. Drink a nuun while we chat.

5:15 PM - I do a pure barre workout but make the mistake of doing it on my work computer at the post-workday slacks are coming in hot this AM. My body’s HR doesn’t really pick up but I still feel proud of myself for pushing thru the soreness.

7:00 PM - K and I eat big burritos for dinner with jackfruit, beans, rice, lettuce, tofutti sour cream, cheeze, and jalapenos with chips and salsa. They’re so good and I am sad that we’re out of tortilla chips and salsa now.

8:00 PM - Since dinner was kinda big and I had fries yesterday, I spend the evening hydrating instead of drinking wine. K and I watch a 4 part docuseries on Elisa Lam & the Cecil Hotel. At some point he goes off to work on some stuff and I wrap up this website I’m building for my boss who is working on getting her green card.

DAY FORTY-SIX TOTAL: $175.62

DAY FORTY-SEVEN

9:00 AM - Make a chemex. Finish the site and send it to my boss who approves. Hopefully I don’t have to actually post it for her. I hate dealing with hosting and such.

10:00 AM - I don’t really want yogurt today and find a small portion of tofu scramble leftover from Sunday. Heat that up and top with truffle hot sauce.

12:00 PM - Kill the rest of the salad ingredients today by making the same dish as yesterday but with peas instead of red bell peppers. Review the site I made for my boss. She sends me a $100 amazon gift card! How sweet.

5:00 PM - Get sucked in a meeting and am not able to leave until 5:30. I’m not interested in exercising this late so I zone out on the couch for a bit and snack on some gf pretzels. Start a new season of The Challenge. Drink a glass of wine.

7:00 PM - Heat up leftover pozole for dinner. Eat with K while we “watch” a hockey game.

8:30 PM - Pour another glass of wine and chat on the phone with Q. I end up feeling super antsy halfway through our conversation and decide to take a walk. I do a nice loop down to the lake and back to my house. Next time we decide that we will walk together.

10:30 PM - I check my phone after our conversation to see 100 slack messages from various team members. Looks like there is something going on which will affect the report I have to give tomorrow. Read thru, ask some questions and feel good about what I have to change.

DAY FORTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-EIGHT

8:15 AM - Up a little early today so I can adjust my report. Make a chemex while I pull numbers.

9:30 AM - Present the info. It’s good stuff! My boss is out of town so I think today should be pretty chill. Get a note from my bank that the wire of leftover funds from the mortgage stuff has been transferred to my checking totaling $1250.39.

12:00 PM - Make broccoli fried rice for lunch. Things turn chaotic for the rest of the day and by the time I know it, it’s 4:00 PM

4:15 PM - Decide to cut out early today and take a live barre class. 20 minutes in (10 minutes before 5), I get a message from my teammate asking to hop on zoom. She has computer issues so I’m actually able to finish the class before she’s ready.

7:00 PM - Finally done working. Rinse off and make pasta for dinner. Drink 3 glasses of wine.

9:30 PM - K and I play Mario Kart for a while before turning in.

DAY FORTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $0

DAY FORTY-NINE

8:30 AM - Today has to be more chill than yesterday… It just has to be. Make a chemex. See that my hair dresser is selling shirts for her shop. Venmo her. $25

12:00 PM - Prep chicken seitan shreds. Broccoli fried rice for lunch with seltzer.

1:30 PM - Finish making the seitan, eat an apple, gf pretzels and carrots. I realize I forgot to eat breakfast this AM. Ugh.

5:00 PM - My butt is super sore from yesterday but I do my barre workout anyways. It’s so nice to not be interrupted. My cal burn is low but I don’t even care. It’s just nice to move.

6:00 PM - Rinse off and prep dinner. We make buffalo chicken sandwiches with roasted potatoes. They turn out pretty good and I’m excited to eat them over the next few days.

8:00 PM - Drink a glass of wine. I google if I can have more since I’m getting the COVID vaccine tomorrow and it seems like one is ok but maybe not more so I decide against it.

DAY FORTY-NINE TOTAL: $25

2 notes · View notes