#feeling of being high up in the air

[noxtivagus]

thinking abt the fair rn n i want more oh my goddd

#🌙.rambles #esp the vikings i missed that ride so much it's been years man #I NEED IT HIGHER N BIGGER THO BCS THE FEELING OF #oh my god yk the #feeling of being high up in the air #n then. the fall #that pit in your stomach ! n the thrill is just so #it's one of my favorite feelings #got my arm a bit scraped in the inflatables n that happens every year we've had the school fair i swear #i liked my glams #wait. sorry ffxiv habit 💀 #MY FITS ! i liked mine for all days hehe #🥺 i don't have like a proper pic of the one on thurs but <33 #n then friday i was all black but i looked so cool i think n then JUST WISHED I WORE LIKE #my bucket hat n my glasses bcs days before that was what i was planning to wear but it was so hot !!!! T_T #n today i wore smth not black but yes the accessories r cute n i like blue n white too nyways hehe #uwahh i feel better rn thankfully just need to focus on yeah i'm really good at focusing on what's. yeah #i'll just walk even though my legs r dead n clear my mind n then #i'll write more of what happened yesterday n close my eyes n reflect more at night n then #write more in general. write a lot. i may write too much for me but goddamn i can't stop :^) #oh no uh #nah i'll stop this at this or i'll lose this energy i have right now. sigh #i'll just write more later but now i can rest i'll make myself rest a bit i have to

[ride-a-dromedary]

I personally think a nice way to give us more chances to talk to Halsin in Act 3 is giving us the option to ask him for a new story from his 350 years of life, and we get a new tidbit of information that changes based on how high his approval is, or whether or not he's being romanced. If the approval is low, he shares little or refuses. I want a chance to hear about how much he studies, meditates, and hibernates and not just the salacious parts!

#BG3 Musing #Halsin Posting #halsin is very clear that he's lived a while and feels a lot older than he is #i want to hear more about high forest and the emerald grove #i want a way for him to tell me things about himself that don't involve me having to have a rendezvous that casually brings up a bad memory #yknow? #karlach asking him for stories and him immediately being like 'no one really cares about those they're only really interested in escapades' #and wyll being like 'do you actually do anything besides meditate council fight train and make love?' and halsin just nonchalantly #'is such an existence lacking?' i know thats supposed to be funny #but he sounds so put upon by it #like okay and..? #maybe im just a sap but i want to hear more general stuff #if that writer on twitter is serious about taking suggestions heres one #also this isn't an invite to bash on act 3 halsin - most of the companions are dead air after you do their quest #this is an encompassing larian issue all around where the companions sort of all fall flat midway through act 3 #but that's another point entirely

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

im also floridian. this weather is too suspicious its not meant to be winter weather in march! summer will kill us all

It’s starting to heat up. But then it’s going down again?

LOWS IN THE 60S AT THIS TIME OF YEAR IN THIS PART OF THE WORLD..? That ain’t right. No. It can’t be. No way.

It’s going to be a constant 102* in June-September because nice things aren’t allowed here and we must suffer. We’re supposed to get our designated 2 weeks of nice weather randomly in dec-feb and THATS IT. We have been too greedy. The end is coming.

*for non swamp dwellers, the actual temp stays between 80-95 mostly, but humidity makes it feel like you’re being steamed alive. Which is fun! (government mandated propaganda)

#okay this will be the last Florida post for a bit I am alienating the normal-ish people #crazy people: wow you’re so lucky you guys have amazing weather #me when it’s ‘only’ 85 degrees in the middle of the night but if you stepped outside you’d feel sticky within 1 minute #it’s 87 rn which is what you’d expect #I’m down. down there. in the bad place. #I see up north is in the mid to low 70s which is Not Normal #you guys being: non swamp dwellers #you guys don’t understand what it’s like to step outside and the air doesn’t feel like someone mouth breathing on you #looks around nervously #WHATS COMING. HOW MANY STORMS #HOW HIGH WILL THE FLOODS BE THIS YEAR #ask #asks #non voice post #insanely off topic asks (not mad it’s just funny lol)

[luck-of-the-drawings]

ehehe i had this saved as 'you tellin me theres blood in this bayou??' anyway WOW i drew this (FOREVER AGO) with only pen (ONLY PEN) and fixed mistakes by gluing paper over them. fuckinnnn WITNESS MY PEN SKILLS LOSEERRRR!! also i loooove blood in the bayou guys i miss these characters so much.... i looooved watching them all get just so so scared and clinging to eachother for dear life while crying and crying and bleeding and crying

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi bitb #jrwi bitb spoilers #cw blood #cw gore #BAUAHABAHUH OKAY NOW UHH I TALK ABT MY FEELINGS #DREWthis forever ago and also its been forever ago since i watched bitb. still listen to the soundtrack tho. shit bAAANNGSSS #nathan hanover you beaufifully talented mother FUCKER the bitb soundtrack is the PERFECT music to get high+scared to #THE SOUNDTRACK MAKES IT. TRACKS LIKE forgotten promise INSTILL SUCH A FEELING OF A HOOOTTT SUMMER DAY.. ESPECIALLY IN THE GODDAMN BAYOU #THE AIR is so thick with moisture and so so so hot but so much more than normal #it chokes ur senses if u focus on it too long and the heat is so so so OPPRESSIVE and heavy #i rly like the way i drew rands face here. i normally have a bit o trouble finding a consistent Look for it but #fuck it im ballin #i also like the bit i drew here with kian n rand tending to an unconscious rolan #do you remember that scene? right after the carcrash? rand was so rattled and so scared of rolan being fuckin Dead #shaking him awake and saying his name #n then as soon as rolan wakes up rand goes back to being a lil jacket #like yeahahh fuck you nerrd fuckin laywer loser anyway heres my jacket to stop the bleeding on ur arm. i love you #IT MAKES ME RLY HAPPY TOO THAT THE BOYS WILL ACTUALLY TELL EACHOTHER THEY LOVE THEM #LIKE SURE ITS RIGHT WHEN THEIR LIFE IS IN THE GREATEST PERIL BUT... THE LOVE EACHOTHER GUYS.... #also ALSO DRAWING SCRATCHES N GORE N BLOOD N PAAAIIIN IS SO FUN!! YIPPE!!!! #I THINK thats the last o my thoughts so uhh take this and eat. remember to get scared today. i love you

[amarriageoftrueminds]

The thing about Peggy is, she doesn’t even like Steve? 

She patronises him. She sexually assaults him. She stalks him. She shows him compassion only for as long as it looks like her efforts to attach him will be successful, but the instant it looks like her efforts have failed she violently attacks him and sneers at his dreams.

(How could she be so vicious and so dismissive so easily, if she actually liked him? Shouldn’t she be heartbroken? It’s not the wounded relationship that matters to her; it’s the wounded pride. Steve could’ve dropped down dead, at that moment, and she wouldn’t miss a wink of sleep.) 

She dines out off having slightly known Steve, despite never dating him, and yet is enraged when people point it out. 

(Why is the ass-covering patronage of every other powerful man in her life acceptable, except his?)

She refuses to acknowledge any of his loved ones (shouldn’t they be beloved by her, too?) because she is so desperate to establish herself as the only legitimate connection to him. And yet she colludes with his sworn enemies, across multiple universes, and even lies about it (omits to tell him) to his face, when his life is in danger because of it. 

(How could someone do this, if they actually liked him?) 

Peggy thinks she is ‘not like the other girls’ who throw themselves at Steve, just because while she is throwing herself at him she also talks to him like he is a child (because that’s how she talks to all men.) 

She thinks she is actually better than Steve, since he is a man, and she thinks all men are essentially terrible and that this is feminism. She must be better, even though she acts just like the worst of men, because a thing only counts as bad if a man is doing it (eg. sexual assault) and only counts as good if Peggy is doing it (eg. if actual-feminist Daniel Souza dares to speak up for women in the workplace, she will tell him to shut up. Likewise, her turning a gun on Steve is #Girlbossing but Red Skull and Alexander Pierce doing it is Evil.)  

This is why, despite Steve being an internationally famous decorated war hero, a film-star and a heartthrob and the world’s only supersoldier, while Peggy is an unfulfilled unimportant desk jockey... she still turns up to announce that she will one day allow Steve to dance with her, as if she is doing him a favour. 

It’s because she sees Steve as essentially the same as before serum -- that is, pathetic (in need of help to get female attention.) Still pathetic, in her eyes. 

But since to everyone else Steve has become a prize, she has to take Steve down a peg by reminding him of their little secret -- that despite how great he may seem, she is superior to him -- and she really believes it’s true! 

(This belief is baseless. What If accidentally confirmed that she can only match Steve’s accomplishments if she is given serum... so she is not his equal without serum, let alone his superior, despite being born with considerable advantages over him.) 

And this treatment of Steve as pathetic, before and after serum, we’re supposed to see as her ‘appreciating him’ for who he really is inside. 

But her treatment of Steve is only un-starry-eyed (or so she likes to think) and businesslike because Steve is a man, and she thinks all men are inferior to her. He isn’t special. 

(Just as, she is the only woman in the First Avenger, and their big connection is supposed to be over the allegedly-similar discrimination levelled against women as against disabled men... but this is experienced by all women, so saying she’s ‘The’ woman for Steve amounts to saying that she only qualifies for the job because she’s female, and for no other reason.) 

The fact is, while Steve pays lip service to the idea of wanting a woman, he never actually acts like he wants a woman. 

And does Peggy even want a man? 

She comes across as someone who has remained single because her view of herself is so inflated and her view of men is so dim that they can never match up. 

It’s like she’s got a reluctant mental shopping list of ‘insanely lofty traits a man would need to have to finally be worthy of Her Majesty,’ and she only awkwardly goes about trying to get Steve at all because she has realised that this famous neatly-pressed hunk Captain America has managed to tick all of the boxes, somehow. He’s a trophy she feels she ought to have, but isn’t really bothered about having.

(But then she gets repeatedly annoyed whenever that pesky little ‘Steve Rogers’ twerp keeps getting in the way of her fantasy, wanting to do the right thing instead of just doing what she tells him, and has to be violently attacked to keep him in line.) 

She doesn’t actually like Steve.

#long post #antipeggy #antisteggy #cynthia glass #p*ggy meta #mcu meta #mcu critical #steggy is hydra trash party #meta #CAN YOU IMAGINE if bucky came up to pre-serum steve... #acting like he was DOING STEVE A FAVOUR by being friends with him?? #the absolute ARROGANCE that would connote? the immediate revulsion steve would feel towards any such person? #picture me in a hospital bed imagining steve monologuing all this to bucky in the pub to explain why he doesn't need to worry ^ #and funfact: this only comes across as arrogant and conceited because HA chose to play it that way #she COULD have had peggy offering a dance in a sweet hopeful way... #with an awareness that she is not special for wanting steve to like her #she CHOSE to do it with the air of a governess revealing a treat ('aren't you a lucky boy that I'm showing you attention!') #and nb: she is not exempt from the tedious 'strong female character = punching' just because she wears high heels and lipstick #put her in a modern environment when she can't mine the 40s Aesthetic for points any more #and her only defining characteristic is being a patronising upper class snob #to kevin feige steve is only allowed the dignity of his choice if that choice is a woman #also: look at who she befriends #not the fellow female agents; servants #she doesn't see anyone as her equal and therefore doesn't want any superior people around to burst that bubble

[moongothic]

I love the crocodad theory a lot but I fear that the fandom will start misgendering him or respect the character less because of transphobia.

Oda have written queer characters before who are respected by the fandom such as Bonclay but for Crocodile its another story. He is their alpha male badass character and adding queerness to his character might make them mad. Not that I care about those bigots feelings but its already not easy to navigate this fandom without queerphobia being thrown in your face.

Ppl can digest a queer character who fit in the stereotypes but once they dont, its another story.

Same, people are weird as fucking hell and gross about Crocodile maybe being trans already, we can be sure it would get worse if him being trans was confirmed in the story, there would be absolutely no avoiding it

But at the same time...

Transphobes are gonna be transphobes regardless, and I don't want that to become a reason for any storyteller to not create trans characters. I don't want Oda to bend over backwards to please the transphobes when they're the ones in the wrong. If anything, I want Oda to just go all the way with the message of queer liberation and freedom in One Piece. Like it's not perfect, but it's already there, but it's so subtle many queerphobes have been able to ignore it this whole time and I don't want Oda to let them ignore it anymore. I want him to rub it into their faces so hard they'll start complaining about "Oda going woke"

And like, let's be real. If Crocodile was trans and Oda pulled it off just right (without falling into certain pitfalls that he's be stumbling with this whole time with queer rep), that could unironically be like. Great not just trans rep but trans masc rep in particular

Like maybe it's just the media I've consumed but trans masc rep is typically very non-existant and/or very much like Yamato, who, while valid as hell, might not be how many trans masc people want to be seen as by others (as in, "confused girls")

We've known Crocodile as a character for 23 years at this point, and for the first 8-9 years of that he was very much seen as A Manly Cis Man (like you said) without a hint of a doubt (until Impel Down). If it turned out he had been trans this whole time, that would force people to rethink how they view trans people.

As just regular fucking people

That person you knew for years turned out to be trans? So what? What does that actually change about them? It's still the same person deep down. Those are the things Oda could force people to think about.

And honestly? If that helped convert even just a single transphobe, or educate someone without an opinion on trans people, to just letting trans people live their lives in peace, I think it'd be worth it

But like, yeah. The transphobes are gonna be loud regardless. It fucking sucks, and I hate the fandom for it. But, damned if you do, damned if you don't, there's no avoiding it. And I think the potential positive impact would outweight the already festering negativity.

#Moon posting #Sir Crocodile #CW Discussion of transphobia #Mind you this is assuming Oda pulled it off right #By which I mean he doesn't give Crocodile some stupid fucking excuse to why he transitioned #Like ''wanted to escape being a woman'' or ''because being a woman was weak'' or something fucking stupid #I don't think Oda knows what gender dysphoria even is so the idea of Crocodile transitioning to deal with that feels like a bloody pipedrea #But literally even just ''preferred being a man'' would be fine #The bar. Is so fucking low #My other thing is that I absolutely do not want to see him get detransitioned. At all. #Like a lot of people have been speculating that the reason we never see Crocodile use Haki might be because it could detrans him #And regardless of if that's canon or not-- I do not want to see him detransition. At all. #If we see him pre-t in a flashback that's fine #I just don't want to see him have to sacrifice his comfort for a dramatic scene where he has to ''go all out'' or something #(Especially because knowing Oda there is no way he would do that without sexualizing him for no good reason) #Honestly I am more concerned about Oda fucking it up than the fandom being gross #My bar is so fucking low and yet so impossibly high for Oda #Also what gets me about Crocodile is that usually the queer characters are young and/or amab #And this is true for literally all of the other queer rep in OP rn #Crocodile is almost a middle aged trans man and honestly would that not be like a breath of fresh fucking air #OP Meta

[vampirologist]

continuously I ruin or hinder relationships because of my insecurity and skepticism towards others and I literally over analyze everything and assume people just hate me and I end up getting agitated with people for no good reason it just happens repeatedly. I know I’m the problem but people try to be nice and say oh you’re a good nice person or whatever and it’s like no I’m a bad person I literally manage to fuck every friendship I have and get so draining to be around because of my obsessiveness and insecurities

#just feel so fucking embarrassed over how I’ve been lately with my friends from work #and how I got so hooked on my crush and just assuming he doesn’t like me and just going on & on about him I feel like such a fucking creep #like I had a going away party hosted by a friend and I was crossfaded and ended up being so rude and airing out my insecurities #and it was so embarrassing!! like these people came to a party celebrating me and I had to be cynical #this is why I don’t get high it makes me uptight #even more than usual

[cowardstiel]

watched the unaired sherlock pilot and crying laughing ☠️☠️ the title card is outrageous

#could not stop laughing LMAO idek why it’s so funny but #smth about the aired show being incredibly polished and expensive and the pilot is in comparison a windows movie maker high school project #shows how important all the fancy text and stuff was for the oversll feel of the show #i could go on about the text i’m actually very passionate about it as i keep bringing up on here #my post

[fiendtheanonymous]

It will never not disappoint me that the one PPG/RRB scene in "The City of Clipsville" isn't talked about as often as a fascinating piece of media satirizing early internet fandom much in the same vein of episodes like "The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochy Show" from season 8 of The Simpson. It's such a smart and funny critique of the shipping culture at the time (which was and still is mostly led by preteens and teens, in comparison to the adult audience of the Simpsons fandom at the time).

I don't know, I think both the animation community and fandom historians really overlook this as a fascinating piece of animation and early online fandom history, and it's always disappointed me. The City of Clipsville is going to be 20 this month, I think it's about time somebody really went in depth and dissected it for a wider audience.

#the powerpuff girls #the rowdyruff boys #this is not me being a hater btw I was def on the PPG/RRB high school AU train as a teen #and PPG/RRB work does still hold a soft spot in my heart especially done in ways I find interesting #hell I edited for a very popular PPG fic at one point before having to drop it because my childhood dog died and I got depressed #(I still feel really bad about this) #although I more than understand why this is something many people both on the PPG creative team and fandom were frustrated with #I find the potential dynamic of the puffs and ruffs to be so interesting (particularly as found family) and have a lot of commentary on it #but yeah high school AU 73283726 that exists for shipping purpouses and is OOC is fucking annoying and I more than get it lol #and 24 years after the original RRB episode aired and 20 years after Clipsville aired I definetly see why people are fed up with the concept

[darkwood-sleddog]

been trying to fully detox from using caffeine and i gotta say. i feel a lot better.

#not dogs #i mean its not good for me to have anyways with my high blood pressure but... #i got an air up waterbottle and it's been incredible honestly #i hate feeling sluggish in the morning due to lack of caffeine or dependency on caffeine to wake up #it'll make early am runs with the dogs a lot easier if i'm just....better about going to bed on time #ah. being in your 30s be like..

[icewindandboringhorror]

Current temperature inside of my room right now in the middle of the night whilst about to go to sleep... villain origin story...

#You just get SOOOOO tired of being hot all the time for multiple days straight.. with very little relief ever... hhHHHH #I forget that I literally lose my mind and become evil every summer like clockwork #I don't evenknow what I mean by that because I'm just as calm/monotone as ever lol.. but I just feel more evil.. low level pent up rage #or something. nothing changes on the outside but on the inside it's like hmm.. I'm like 5% more hostile than I usually am #not outwardly expressed still of course. but just.. my bones are made of a little more violence recently.. #percentages moving around. My character stats get a temporary modifier all summer where I feel chronically just a LIIIITLE more noticably #unhinged. like I will never do it of course. but I will think about. maybe I'll just throw all the plates at the wall and break every wind #ow with a baseball bat. No. I shant. I would never.. but .. I could. 5% more than I usually could. But I shan't. but let it be known.. I #c o u l d ...i COULD.. if I had to. but I don't.. but still.. keep the notion in the back of the mind.. hmm.. lol #And this is not even during a heat wave at the moment it's just like.. normal summer.. >:') #I think it's also largely the shitty apartment which was not built for coolness. Like older houses will have tall cielings and those window #above the doors and ceiling fans and be built high up from the ground and all these other ways to manage warm weather #naturally. but cheaply constructed dinky city apartments with no ventilation and windows only on one side and blah blah #It retains heat insanely like being trapped in a green house or something #even with all the windows open & fans in the house and stuff it just doesn't really move air well because the space is not made to do that. #Also really testing my anticapitalism/leftism/etc... sitting and thinking 'damn maybe I should play the stock market.. I should sell #some sculptures and overprice them.. howmuch could I charge for these clothes..' < *is desperate to afford a living situation with central #heating and air conditioning* #Haha! Guillotines?? who said anything about those? I LOVE rich people.. haha.. now what's a guy gotta do to instantly get about $50.000 ar #ound here? haha! kidnap someone and sell their organs? okay haha! I love the free market! going to home depot right #now to buy an axe! Don't you just hate taxes? so glad I live in the best country in the world under the best economic system on the planet #USA! USA!! USA!!! *visibly shaking. nose starts bleeding. you notice i am also levitating off the ground slightly* #ANYWAY gfgfgh.... winter......... my sweet child....i miss you so so much.... SUMMER you are my ENEMY #ah well now it's gone down to 80.4 Farenheight. cancel post. thats such an improvemtn surely I'll be able to sleep soundly now /s #what was I ever worried about? it's all good! haha!! *still levitating a little * #In better news - I have finished the Victorian Pharmacy documentary series and am now watching them build a medieval castle! and one of my #goofy joke song snippets suddenly got 6.000 views on youtube which was cool?? though very random? I made kale chips again. and had asparag #us. And saw a duck. carved a lot of things out of avocado pits. Little tidbits to keep me sane.. #See a funny little duck outside and go 'hmm... life is okay actually :) I no longer want to break windows :3' #then it gets like 85F inside again and you're liek NEVERMINDaaaaaaahhh!!!!! then you see a duck next morning and calm down :)

[luxlightly]

Let's play the fun game of "Is this post surgery pain (fixable by pain killers) or kidney pain (caused and made worse by pain killers)?" with a grand prize of "I don't die of kidney failure"

#probably still surgery pain even if it's kind of high up in my back at times #it's a feeling like being sick or bloated #which happens when i over exert myself or otherwise upset the area of my surgery #but any time I take pain killers for back or back adjacent pain i think I'm going to go into kidney failure #i don't know how long the gas pockets in my body last after laparoscopic surgery #they put air in me so they had room to work #and that causes discomfort until the body can reabsorb it #but I don't even know if that's what I'm feeling or if it wouldn't have been absorbed by now anyway

[pepprs]

the renovation starts tmrrw (LOL) and i woke up from a dream abt it crying. awesome

#today is our last day having a deck and i genuinely feel sick to my stomach over it. ik it’s just a piece of wood and it’s falling apart but #omg like… o ur house is about to not be our house anymore. like the deck is where me and my siblings played w our best friends it’s where i #paced back and forth to get fresh air so many times ater losing my shit during lockdown and it’s literally about to be gone…. forever? ok!!! #and then the kitchen is going to go and im going to lose it genuinely. like this house is shitty and rotting and falling apart and its great #that we are getting a renovation finally but jesus christ i have lived here all my life and yeah i hate the kitchen but it’s home and you’re #just gonna tear it down and make jt 3x bigger like it’s nothing??? ok 😂😂😂😂😂😂 #purrs #literally im getting war flashbacks to losing the van which was never gonna drive again but it was my SPACE for all of lockdown and #it got fucking junked after being my sanctuary (as unpleasant as it was) for like 2 years not to mention OUR CAR that we did everything in a #and now we have my grandparents car and there isn’t a backseat so i don’t get room to breathe when they drive. and also my grandparents #house has officially been demolished to make way for a fucking mansion and the near total renovation of my high school is almost done which #means the classroom where i became a human being is gone and the office is going to get destroyed too when that renovation happens and we’ll #have to go make a home somewhere else. i know this kind of thing happens but it makes me want to start screaming. like yeah these #renovations will make life better for everyone (except the fucking mansion it’s bc my grandparents died and the developers are selfish and #cruel lol!!!!!) but the way so many of the spaces that have been important to me keep ending up getting destroyed after im done w them. it’s #comforting in a way bc it’s like oh no one else gets to have it be important but also no that ISNT comforting i want those spaces to keep #being sacred i want them to mean something to other people and i want to be able to go back and soak in the memories again. and everyone is #mad at me for freaking out the renovation but it’s like ok you come into our living space you destroy core parts of my childhood and also #create a situation where we literally can’t like eat or cook anything in the house for months like idk what we’re gonna do bc we don’t go #anywhere bc of covid except work for me and school for my brother so. idk. this whole thing SUCKS. i can’t believe it’s starting tomorrow #and i can’t believe the deck is about to be gone. pain and suffering and pain and suffering and pain and suffering.

[goldensunset]

see i complain about winter every year but then the truth is that i actually really love ice levels in video games. snowy mountains that take forever to trek through and ice sliding physics are my absolute joy. chilly frozen aesthetics. my favorite video game environments in pretty much every game i’ve ever played

#peach rambles #second favorite is probably desert levels! #yeah #ice and deserts. those are the best video game stages #forest levels are great but they’re always the ones that have the creepiest enemies in them #fire levels are usually kind of annoying but i can cope #i detest water levels if i’m being perfectly honest i think they’re frustrating #i don’t see the underwater aesthetic as relaxing and calming the deep seas are a nightmare and trying not to suffocate + being cold and wet #i just feel very bad for the character i’m playing #do not like swim physics please let me do things on land #air/sky levels are annoying for the same reason but i like their aesthetic a lot more and i’d rather be up high than underwater #creepy ghost/underworld/etc levels would’ve been terrifying as a kid but now i think they’re cool #hmmmm what am i missing

[lepidopterium]

~~~

#like i dont have the energy to try and get myself into a routine. work business as usual so future me doesnt have to #catch up with everything ive fallen behind and let fall apart #i dont have the energy to reassure anyone that im suicidal but i will be okay. i dont know that. i dont want to promise that #and i dont have the energy to talk to anyone. barely have the energy to leave the house but i cant stand being here so thats what helps #i already have a plan but im trying not to go through with it for the sake of my brothers. but im having trouble caring either. #i cant talk to anyone. i cant lie and tell them im managing bc im not. not even a little. #listening to music isnt working. getting high isnt working. sleeping and eating isnt working. going out for air isnt working #i dont know how to pull myself out of this. i dont know why this last fight with my mother was my breaking point but it was #and i regret reaching out for help because it only #it only showed me that no one will help me get out of this house. i have to do it myself. no one can save me from this. #and i feel all the less human for it #and im heartbroken because here are two adults. so called parents. put me through years of abuse and horror who i still manage to care for #and worry about. all while im not human to them. thats what breaks my heart. thats what hurts #i cant swallow it all up anymore. my body is just racked with terror all the time. i cant pretend to be happy and engaged when i feel so #incredibly fucking alone with this awful horror thats just always clinging to every part of my body. #i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont want to hurt anyone. i dont know what to do. #everyone loves me because ive given it my all to not base my actions on how much rage and hurt im carrying. or with family bc i stay in #the closet and turn the other cheek. because i take all my wants and i put them aside and i act based on not inconveniencing anyone #and thats such a stupid thing bc look where i am now. #no one sees me. no one knows how to help me. no one can help me. and i cant keep enduring this. i cant keep relinquishing choice. #i cant get myself to believe anything otherwise. and i want to be selfish. i want to do the most selfish thing i could ever do to others.

[arklay]

i didn't really talk about it cause i think most mutuals know. but the reason that fic causes me so much pain is because they've been together for over ten years at that point and have never had a fight where they need a break from each other... they've never even had a fight where they yell

#leah.txt #pair: ewskers #tw: body image #they've bickered a lot like that's just how it goes. especially when you have two big defiant and domineering personalities. but they would #always laugh it off or just leave the room to clear their head then come back and apologise over getting shitty with each other but they #always talk things out and have these big just discussions to clear up any misunderstandings or you know just to air it out. they don't #like to let things fester. but the problem with this is like diana didn't want to bother him because of how busy and obsessed he was with #the project and his work so she just kept it all to herself and ofc you combine that with her love languages not really happening (physical #touch and quality time) because he rarely came to bed so they weren't having their moments of just cuddling and talking for ages. and #quality time ofc wasn't happening then too but when they were together it was always about just work work work. there were no breaks #and like he didn't really confide in her much anymore with what happened with spencer. like he did at first and they worked through that #and diana thought like he was Okay. like he was dealing with it. but he really just shut it out. he didn't want to confront it. he didn't #let himself *feel* the pain (which is why post volcano momence its A Lot for him to deal with... but they actually work through it better #then) but yeah like there's a lot going on behind all that fic. and with diana too. okay. so her childhood is one i don't really talk about #much but really high expectations were put on her from really young and even though she excelled in all areas like it was never good enough #and plus a few other things like it led to her constantly seeking for praise and admiration and recognition and like she was actually a #people pleaser until she was in uni for her bachelor's and before she moved to america. like. there was a lot going on there. so like she #had a lot of feelings of inferiority growing up and like not feeling worthy ever sooooooo it hurts + the humiliation her ex-husband put her #through kinda warps al just being busy and preoccupied and not thinking about anyone else to singling her out and doing the same thing her #ex did to her. so yeah. plus her body changing with the virus over the last few months has made her very like just. lies on the floor. like #because he always found her so beautiful and loved her eyes and made her feel beautiful when she had a bit of insecurity so now she's like #oh no but i look different now... maybe he doesn't think that anymore. lies on the floor