#i cant get myself to believe anything otherwise. and i want to be selfish. i want to do the most selfish thing i could ever do to others.

[bambi-kinos]

@sususolutioms​ Hi there, thank you for your comments! I enjoy conversation and tangents so please feel free to keep hanging out if you like.

You make a good point about Swinging London and John trying to articulate his feelings of abandonment, the song is a great metaphor for that. It’s a pity that John refused to articulate this outside of music because Paul didn’t understand what he was going through, though I believe that Paul definitely understood that John was suffering. (He was just ill-equipped to deal with it.)

I actually think you’re underestimating them a little bit though. It wouldn’t just be a simple “I love you,” from Paul, it would be a change in lifestyle and committing as a real couple with everything that entailed. It would mean John leaving Cynthia but let’s be real, he would jump at that lmao.

John would need to deal with his baggage but I actually think he was capable of facing it and that if he had had Paul as his explicitly committed romantic partner, he would have felt safe enough to do so. But that’s just my opinion I guess, since we don’t live in that universe we can make up anything we want.

Modern therapy would have helped both of them for sure but that didn’t exist back then so whoops... But my true and honest opinion is that if John had had a lithium prescription to stabilize his moods then he could have put the rest of the puzzle together himself. He was a sensitive guy that wanted to grow and change.

The Ashers are their own entire separate thing. I find them incredibly skeevy and even exploitive with how they used their daughter Jane to get access to Paul McCartney. I know Jane’s father was accomplished but I wouldn’t trust any recommendations he made for celebrities like the Beatles. Gonna quote myself again:

Leggy Maddingway — 04/18/2022 the Asher family thing. jesus christ lmao. I guess it must be an example of rich people being selfish and weird. there's an entire thing about rich people seething about [being forced to abide by] middle class values like "dont let your underage daughter live openly with her boyfriend" which is exactly what they did (i can expound on this if needed) and no one, not even paul, knew what paul macca would turn into. but i cant imagine there wasn't some clout chasing there because otherwise....why. why would you do this. just fucking insane, i wouldnt let my kid's boyfriend live with my kid under my roof barring horrific tragic circumstances and paul did not have horrific circumstances backing him at the time.

it ended up being terrible for Paul and Jane in the end so I'm very very down on her parents for letting it happen and I think it must have been because they wanted to use Paul or brag about having a Beatle living with them, because Jane did not have the life experience at the time to understand what a fucked up arrangement that was. I would understand more if she had eloped with Paul even, but living in your parents house with your bf?

It’s also very clear that Paul McCartney was a complete gold digger in that situation, he was using the Ashers as well, wanting a replacement mother figure and wanting to live in a fancy rich person house. He orchestrated the move into Jane’s house by deliberately staging conversations where he complained about the Mayfair flats Brian put them in:

These quotes are straight from The Lyrics. He cared a lot more about Jane’s mom and Jane’s house than he did about Jane herself. And they were reeaaally happy to have their daughter’s boyfriend move in with them even though they were definitely engaged in sexual activities. That is not a normal thing for parents to do but they did it.

Jane’s father was an accomplished and forward thinking medical practitioner. Her mother was a successful music teacher. But they invited their 17 year old daughter’s boyfriend into their house to live with them knowing that he was an up and coming entertainment star at his sexual peak... like I get the UK’s age of consent is 16 years old and everything but inviting Paul to live in their house of their own accord while knowing all this, that’s just really gross to me. I don’t think the Ashers did anything good for Paul McCartney in terms of his personal development and their family helped stunt his development as an adult.

Sorry for going off but I do not like the Ashers and they made terrible decisions when they should have known better. I wouldn’t trust any recommendations they made for medical practitioners for John or Paul lmao because they would be motivated by chasing clout!

#the beatles #jane asher #paul mccartney #john lennon #mclennon #and your bird can sing #revolver #revolver 2022 #my meta #beatles meta #talktalktalk #sususolutioms

[seilon]

i know i havent been checking my messages for like two weeks. dont ask me why i dont fucking know either dude. i really dont know whats wrong with me i really dont know why im like this. believe me if you think you're the only one ive ghosted recently you're not. its everyone. literally everyone. no reason whatsoever. its very easy to do when you literally have no friends that see you in real life ever and havent seen anyone more or less since december of 2021. so like. yeah. whats anyone gonna do? no ones going to come to my fucking door to see if im okay or just to break into my isolated nightmare box. no one has an interest in doing that. ive had to plead to get anyone to consider seeing me and theres really no point and its not their fault either because it is a major inconvenience because i am so so so far from anyone and its so so so much easier to just. not try to get anyone to do anything. its so much easier to exist in stasis even if it kills me. like i said no one will do anything about it. nothing will stop me from slowly destroying myself. i wont stop me either. i hate every task i have to complete and everything in my life that could break my constant nothingness despite the fact that i hate my constant nothingness at the same time. there's no way to win and theres no way out and theres no point to anything. really seriously no point. the further removed i get from everyone and everything the easier it is to fade away completely if i so choose. im basically there already. i wish i'd do something drastic to myself to make the world feel real again and to make my life feel like it has any kind of real odds to it and a selfish disgusting part of me wishes i would because of the oh so common reasoning of getting people to treat me like i have any importance instead of me always having to beg pathetically for anyone's attention in real life. i exist almost solely in my own head these days. im only able to handle fiction and i bury myself so deep in it that maybe, hopefully i can forget my life as a real person, and i can feel things even if they're for stupid imaginary reasons. its been like this for a long time but its to an extreme right now. i dont want to remember who or where i am. i dont want to be reminded i exist and the world exists around me. i dont remember what its like to have friends in my everyday life that i dont have to worry about disappointing or annoying or embarrassing. its been so long. much longer than just the time since ive moved. its been at least a few years. it seems nice, thinking back on past experiences, at different times in my life. but unfortunately it doesnt seem like i was built to maintain friendships, let alone to make them. i'm manufactured to fail or sabotage myself. i am built to be unlovable, regardless of who may like me on the internet, or like me on a shallow level otherwise. anything deeper than that has lead me to more pain and complication than if i didnt talk to anyone at all, so i guess it makes sense why i'd end up here.

my relationship is doomed and has been for a while now, and i cant make myself care that much anymore. he doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to him. he doesnt know what i do and i dont know what he's doing, other than that he has a life and people he cares about more than me on an everyday basis by a long shot. hes almost a stranger to me at this point. he wouldn't notice if i was fucking dead unless someone were to contact him about it however long after the fact. i know this because i havent spoken to him in days if not weeks and he couldnt care less. i am not a part of his life anymore and i cant help that. i've numbed myself to it for now. who knows what my mind will think of it on some other day but as it stands right now i dont know him and i cant push myself any longer to try and be a part of his life when he clearly does not care if i am or am not. he very easily can exist without me and has been doing so for quite some time. he has other people, i dont. that's just how it is. im not a good person to put faith into in a relationship in general, friendship or otherwise, because just look at me. ive ghosted everyone i know for like two weeks for no fucking reason and with no warning or explanation. i dont even know what the explanation is. i am fundamentally empty and with the bleakness of everything over the course of the last however many years i've given up hope that that emptiness will be filled in a more than superficial way. in a more than fleeting way. no one's going to do anything for me. there's no point. theres nothing in it for them. why would you go out of your way for a husk of a person who cant give you anything of value in return. whos not reliable or stable in any way shape or form. who cant function like a person no matter how many fucking antidepressants and stimulants and whatever the fuck else he takes. writing all of this i feel like a normal person would be crying. i feel like i would be crying at some point prior in my life. but i havent at all, nor have i felt any urge even close to doing so. i think that tells you how empty i am and how much i am resigned to whatever this is. i've wasted three years of my life rotting in silence and solitude, why think anything's going to change? and what's worth changing anyway? again, there's really nothing here to salvage. i wonder how much time i have left in me to just sit here and hate everything and dissociate and dissociate and dissociate because at this rate i doubt its much.

i'll go find something to distract myself with like i always do. spend my time on mundane tasks because they're reliable and take up space in my otherwise empty life. i doubt i will do anything productive that involves thought. i want to avoid everything more. i hate myself for it and i hate my life for it. i dont wish to die so much as i wish to not exist. they overlap of course but i feel the need to clarify that because its less about self loathing and more about the loathing of life as a whole, existence as a whole. it's not meant for me. i am not built to be sustainable. my head hurts.

#kibumblabs #long post #delete later #i absolutely will regret this and delete it later #at the moment though i just dont give a shit anymore #i can post whatever i want literally who fucking cares #negative

[ghostsofdoves]

Mnh, hard time in the head rn.

Sorry I need to vent like a TV dinner but like. I don't really feel safe to lmao.

CW everything pm just heavy suicidal ideation

Just like I probably need to back off from all of the kink things. But like it gives me happiness, but also sadness.

Like no kink IRL i want to have a partner and a baby and a family. And my brain is a mess because it's like I can't do the single parent thing and I'm autistic and I'm just so fucking depressed.

I'm actively self harming in new and exciting ways! I'm purposefully binge eating like shit. I don't care anymore. i dont.

And it's so incredibly isolating as a nonbinary faggot. It turns out im an inch taller than I was led to believe and maybe its because my posture is better but like.

I wanted to be small and cute and i regularly am pissed at myself that i didn't commit to the anorexia and i didnt commit to exercising myself to the bone. I could have been tiny and valuable.

And i know that's fatphobia speaking but like i just.

There's no point in me losing weight because ive already got the stretch marks and there's no point in me trying to get the pcos thing figured out because at the end of the day i grow disgusting facial hair i hate and hair on my chest and i feel DISGUSTING.

I'm too demotivated to even try.

There's no point while I work the job and the hours I do.

And my psych still wants to take me off of my meds! I was stable! I was doing okay!

I shouldn't have a baby because the poor thing would have my genetics but i cant adopt as an autistic lil trans faggot esp bc i live in the US south.

I need to sleep but whatever I'm sad right now. I am tired of sleeping! I don't WANT to sleep.

And just like all of my friends disapprove of having children and like i get it they would only suffer and i am selfish but. Im hopeful for the future even though all signs say otherwise.

I saw a tweet like "older generations dont understand that we don't expect anything good to happen ever again" and like yeah. Yeah.

Im hopeful but not stupid.

#dove posting #dove venting

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

[mmuschi]

Midnight Calls

This is an old, out of character but well written royai fic from my ao3. This was one of my first fics i have ever posted... but it never got posted here

you can find in on ao3 here. 

~~~~~~~~~

The cries of a small child rang out in the in the city on the edge of Ishval. They were terrified cries, terrified of what was happening. The child was too young to understand what was happening to their country, the devastation occurring in their country.

 A mother yells for her child, fear and worry heavily evident in her cries for her child. As she ran for her child, a wall was made from Alchemy to separate the two. A cry of frustrated and faint thumps of fists against the man-made wall were the only sounds for several seconds. The sharp noise of guns loading rang out across the street. There was a desperate cry from the mother; she merely wanted to see her child live on. There were blond hair soldier’s on either side of the wall shooting the family of two. Once the two were dead, the open fire ceased. There was metallic smelling silence. The smell of blood was so strong it was almost enough to make one sick to their stomach. Around this city, there were scorched bodied, ones that have been blown up so their identity was unable to be made out, and finally the bodies killed by a sniper. All this carnage because there was a simple order to annihilate an entire race of human beings. What gave them the right to determine who was worthy to live on? Suddenly, the cries of pain and horrified screams broke the silence. It was a sickening sound, one that could make a grown man feel the urge to vomit. Riza Hawkeye was at the top of tall building, staring down at the disgusting wreckage her people have caused. The noises, the smell, that the dead Ishvalans gave off disgusted her. She hated her Kührer, her country, the military, the alchemists, and herself. They were monsters; she couldn’t stand it. The Ishvalan town was filled with blood splattered on walls, bodies scattered about, severed limbs, ruined buildings due to alchemy, walls built by alchemy, and there was fire in various places. The fire was worst of all; She carried the alchemy with her where ever she went. Her father created this alchemy to bring good to the world, but it has only brought destruction and sorrow. The man who yields this alchemy, Riza trusted him, but it’s not like he can go against direct orders. Her father made a power nobody should possess.

The feeling of bile rising in Riza's throat finally awoke her from her horrendous nightmare. She didn't even have time to fully recover from her drowsy state and her brutal dreams before she had to hurry to the bathroom. The scent of the bodies and blood was still all she could smell. As soon as she made it past the doorway of the bathroom, she fell to her knees in front of the toilet and coughed up the bile. She sat there for several more minutes, allowing her body to wake up. By then, she realized her face was wet with tears. She wiped her face with her hands in feeble attempts to dry her cheeks of tears. The blonde woman slowly stood and made her way to where her phone was. She stopped in front of it and stared for a few seconds at it. She used her sleeve of her pajama shirt to dry her face from tears before lifting the phone to her now dry face. She dialed in a number and waited in silence. The other end picked up after several long moments of ringing.

“Hello?” A masculine voice replied, slightly hoarse from exhaustion.

“Colonel Mustang. Sorry to disturb you at this hour, but why aren’t you asleep in the first place?” Riza replied, trying to keep her shaky voice calm and steady. She was doing a decent job at it and it was barely noticeable.

“Its fine, Lieutenant Hawkeye. I was just working on papers I still must do. May I ask you why you are up at about twelve in the morning?” Mustang knew why she was up. She called him whenever her nightmares got to a point where she needed outside comfort, otherwise she would cope on her own.

“Black had to go outside.” She lied simply she pulled a chair over as quietly as humanly possible. Once she was sitting, Black hopped up into her lap. Her hand found its way to her dogs head, and she carefully scratched behind his ears.

“We both know that isn’t true, Lieutenant. Was it your nightmares?” The flame alchemist replied, voice gentle.

“Yes.” Riza’s voice was soft; she didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t even know why she called him of all people every time these petrifying dreams. She could have called Rebecca or someone else. But no, she called her superior. She was bothering him for the selfish reason of just wanting to hear his voice.

“How bad was it tonight?” Roy questioned, concern faintly lacing his tone. He typically was concerned with her well being considering how he trusted her the most out of everyone. She was the one to always watch his back.

“I’ve had worse.” Riza leaned back in her chair a little bit, keeping the phone to her face as her brown eyes closed. “There was a lot of blood. The stench was overwhelming.” She spoke, feeling her body shudder at the thought.

“How about you go back to bed and try to sleep again.” The black-haired man suggested calmly. When he received nothing but silence, he let out a sigh.

“I-Yes Colonel.” The sniper barely kept the disappointment from her voice. Without another word and hung the phone up where it belongs. She sat there for several moments, lips turning into a frown. She placed Black on the ground before making her way back to her bed. How could she possibly think the Colonel would want to talk to her at midnight. She sat down and pulled her dog onto the bed with her. She sat there, petting his fur. She wasn’t going to try and sleep, that stench and the images of the massacre haunting her mind. She sat like this, holding Black to her body, savoring the warmth her animal companion provided. There was a knock at the door, a shockingly familiar. Leaving Black on the bed, she slowly gliding to the door. As she passed by the foot of her bed, she grabbed a coat and slipped it on. She reached the door and lifted a gun that was conveniently placed on a small table next to her door. She opened the door slowly, holding her gun at the ready to shoot.

“Whoa there, Lieutenant. Its just me.” An even more familiar voice spoke, ending the sentence with a faint chuckle. Slowly, Riza set the gun down back where she grabbed it from. She opened the door fully and raised her hand to her head in a salute.

“Colonel Mustang. What are you doing here, Sir?” She questioned as the man proceeded past her into her small house.

“You seem like you could use someone other than Black to be with right now.” Roy replied simply as he took off his coat. He wasn’t in his military clothing for once, rather a simple shirt, coat, and plain black pants. Riza closed the door and turned around.

“You came to comfort me?” Riza was deeply confused at his slight sentiment. When he nodded, a smile tugged at her lips and she forced herself to look away to regain composer. When she looked back up at him she had her typical stoic face.

“You are my Lieutenant, why wouldn’t I. besides, you wouldn’t be having these dreams if it weren’t for me offering you this job.” Roy explained to her smoothly before shrugging his shoulders, lifting his hands like its not that big of a deal.

“And you wouldn’t have been able to offer me this position had it not been for me, am I correct?” She was the reason he could practice and use his flame alchemy. She was basically his alchemy. She held it on her back. A chuckle escaped the man in front of her. By now she was facing him, and he was the same.

“As cunning as ever.” His voice had an amused edge to it and it helped Riza relax more. He held out his hand. “Let’s get you to bed.” He suggested to her, offering her a small smile. They often did this back in Ishval, let each other comfort the other, informing the other they are not a monster and only following orders, telling the other it will be over soon, lying to the other by saying it will be worth it. Riza let her hand rest in his and he guided her back to her bed and sat down on the edge.

“Thank you, Roy.” Riza’s voice was soft and low with drowsiness. She climbed onto her bed and sat down next to him. He had made himself at home with his back to the wall for support. She crawled over and sat next to him.

“Want to elaborate on your dream?” The flame alchemist pondered to his Lieutenant. Since their hands had gotten separated in the actions in which the two were climbing into bed, Roy took this change to take her hand back into his. He knew just how hard this was on her, for he had participated the same amount if not more in the extermination of the Ishvalans. He wanted to do anything he could to aid in her healing process.

“It started… with a mother running for her child and bring stopped by one of Armstrong’s walls. They shot both to death. Colonel, the smell. That stench of blood, of burnt flesh. I cant seem to get rid of it.” As she explained the explained the scents, her eyes began to fill with tears and her breathing quickened. She was starting to panic; the smell still took over all her senses, even when not being a present scent.

Simply nodding, Roy shifted his body, so he could comfortably pull her head tenderly to his chest. They both ended up moving so she was in his lab and his hands rested in her back, rubbing it gently. Her hands clenched his shirt as she attempted to calm herself.

“Roy, I can’t believe I killed children. I took them from this earth when it was not my job. I shouldn’t have. I should have quit. I killed innocent people. I tore families apart. I don’t know how to even live with myself.” Her eyes closed, and tears slipped down her face as she lets out a soft sob. Roy pressed his lips to the top of her head as he held her close to him, letting her get everything out of her system. It was not exactly a kiss, so Riza didn’t even notice it. After several minutes of her softly sobbing, her crying died down.

“Riza, you had no choice in the matter. Being a soldier means taking lives, yes, but nobody could have foreseen us doing such a dreadful act.” Roy’s voice was gently and slightly cooing to try and make her feel a little better. Riza sat there in his lap for a few more minutes before lifting her head from his chest.

“Th-thank you Roy.” She gave him a smile despite her wet eyes and cheeks. She went to go wipe her face with her hand but there were already hands doing that for her. Roy was gently drying her face with his oddly caring hands.

“Let’s get you to bed so you can sleep.” Roy’s suggestion was almost more like a demand, but his voice was very tender about it. When Riza nodded, he helped her move so she was laying down. He climbed off the bed and helped her get under the covers even if she didn’t need the help. Her hand reached out and grabbed his hand.

“You are staying, right?” Riza intentionally made her voice meek to try and get her Colonel to stay with her. Maybe his presence would make the nightmares go away. Roy stared at her for a minute before letting out a sigh and shook his head.

“If you insist.” The flame alchemist slowly made his way back into bed with her. As soon as he was uncomfortable laying down next to her, Riza was slightly snuggled into his chest. His arm rested around her waist, holding her as close as she wished. When his dark gaze lowered to look down at the female against his chest, he noticed her eyes slowly closing. A smile tugged at his lips.

“I don’t know why you came, but thank you Colonel.” Riza’s words were airy as she fell asleep. Once she was asleep, Roy pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Maybe I can tell you why later when I gain some courage. How about that, Riza.” He replied, knowing she couldn’t hear him. He then closed his eyes and let sleep take his conscious.

#fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma #fmab #royai #roy mustang #riza hawkeye #tw: death #riza is s o out of character but i love this fic #this smth ive written vv well

[honeyfelix]

HHHH my beautiful angel! I can't express how HAPPY it makes me seeing you here! You don't need to thank me and definitely don't need to say anything! It honestly makes me happy that I am able to at least bright up your days the tiniest bit. All I need in rerurn is you to stay. Always remember you can and should stay. Stay on earth because we need you. I will always, ALWAYS be here. And I will always remember you too, ok? and am not the only one! I can assure you that! ~☆

Also don't call yourself trash >:( Being able to overcome your demons, WANTING to, and fighting to make it ARE things to celebrate and feel proud of. Even the smallest victories are victories and we should not overlook them. I am so proud of you for trying to better yourself because it means that you actually DO care for YOU and all I want is for you to be ok. You deserve all the love in the whole ass world ok? In the whole GALAXY even. ~☆

You shine brighter than any star in the universe and I would LOVE for you to believe that. You didn't have to do anything for me to care more than being yourself. I am a believer in the universe, I believe in willpower and karma and I believe in balance. I believe our story is already written but I also believe we have the free will to pick and choose how we're going to reach our finale. I believe in the stars and the planets and I definitely completely blindly believe in you. ~☆

YOU own your world and I want you to learn how to rule it. I want you to understand that YOU are a world and therefore you're UNIQUE and NECESSARY to keep the balance. YOU. ARE. SO. IMPORTANT. AND YOU. ARE. SO. WORTHY. And I don't EVER wanna hear you say otherwise again. I love you so much and I promise you I'll get you to love yourself just as much ~☆

careful my star .... or i’m gonna fall in love with you .... i wish i was kidding hahaha i’m so prone to falling hard as soon is someone is nice to me but tbh you my baby are on another LEVEL !! i will never until the day i die understand why you chose ME (and i dont mean to be self-deprecating but i am literally the most average) but i am eternally grateful ???!?!

there’s so much kindness in here it’s overwhelming but i guess let me go one by one even though my head is swimming i don’t even know how to process all this love bc idk i’ve just never had this before ??

1. not to be dramatic but i almost started sobbing at work at your insistence that i can and should stay ... i dont like to talk about s**c*d* on here bc i dont want to put people through undue worry or look like i’m fishing for reassurance or affection idk. so thank you. more than i can ever say and nothing i can try to say to express how grateful and moved i am feels like enough. you don’t have to remember me but you do and that’s a gift i’ll never be able to repay

2. i never thought about it but i think you’re right that an attempt to even want to be better does mean that i don’t entirely hate myself and haven’t 100% given up. i’ve def felt that way before and i feel that way often. i stop trying to make change bc i don’t believe it’s possible or that i deserve it. even as i say that i know that on some level i do still feel that that way. but on a good day (like today) i do actually want better for myself. iknow it sounds crazy but sometimes that feels so selfish ... to not want to d*e.... i can’t explain it . i know you always say the contrary but i promise u i do not deserve this love. at least not in the incredible volume with which u give it. u r an unbelievable person u truly are. bc any day you could say mm that’s enough i’ll ghost her, i don’t even know her. but you don’t, and you choose to care for and love me anyway, and that’s a level of kindness i will never know and be able to provide. i hope someone is telling you how special you are. and if not HERE IT IS!

3. I AM TELLING YOU PLEASE STOP BEFORE I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. “ I believe our story is already written but I also believe we have the free will to pick and choose how we're going to reach our finale. I believe in the stars and the planets and I definitely completely blindly believe in you.” .... i think you might be magic. you simply can’t be real .... i feel like you’re just a fantasy or a figment of my imagination and like i’m floating ???

4. ooh yep i definitely just started crying.  “ YOU own your world and I want you to learn how to rule it. ....  I love you so much and I promise you I'll get you to love yourself just as much.” babe i always say i dont deserve you but ummm i genuinely dont think anyone does. u dont have to love me and idk why u do i rly dont understand it at all bc all i do is write smut and complain and beg to be slapped haha i’m annoying as fuck there’s literally nothing to love (i know you hate that so i swear i’ll stop saying it after this) but on the most honest level i know ur anonymous but u do make me feel like i matter a little bit and for a minute that silences the voices that tell me the opposite. i am so grateful for ur love and although i cant name a thing about myself that i love (or even just like), for a moment u make me feel like there’s something there that i’ll find someday. and that’s more than i’ve ever had. and for that, and for who you are, and for your incredible heart, i love you

#pls pls pls dont make me fall in love with u #dont make me need u im too weak for that #im too tired haha #⭐️ #ask

[patriotsnet]

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/why-some-republicans-are-feeling-shame/

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

Who Are These People

Why some conservatives feel targeted by social media companies

Earlier this week, as the challenge by congressional Republicans of the choice of electors by six states loomed ahead of us, I shared with my spouse how miserably dispirited I had become as an American citizen. The realization weighed heavily on me that I have nothing in common with nearly half the electorate in this country: not my social values and attitudes; not my political beliefs and allegiances; not the value that my ethical sensibilities place on rationality, cooperation and the common good; not even my fundamental moral principles.

I cannot relate to these others, nor do I want to. I already know what they represent, and what they represent, I despise. I feel alienated from them. They make me feel that I am a stranger in my own homeland. I suppose the alienation felt is mutual between us. But I cannot reach out to them. Like addicts, they need to recognize and claim their own demons and crawl away from them. Neither I nor anybody else can do that for them. This may be a harsh and uncharitable comparison. But I would be dishonest with myself to think and to say otherwise.;

Steven Pokorny, Urbandale

Senate Republicans Are Bathed In Shame

Theres no impartial justice, just protection of Trump at all costs.

By Frank Bruni

Opinion Columnist

The impeachment trial of Donald John Trump began on Thursday when John Roberts, the chief justice of the United States, directed all of the senators to stand and raise their right hands. Ever since I cant get two questions out of my head.

The first: How in Gods name and it was in Gods name can the Republicans who have already decided to acquit President Trump take a solemn oath to administer impartial justice? Theyre partial to the core, unabashedly so, as their united march toward a foregone conclusion shows. A mind-meld this ironclad isnt a reflection of facts. Its a triumph of factionalism.

The majority of the partys senators have said outright or clearly signaled that they have no intention of finding the president guilty and removing him from office. Yapping lap dogs like Lindsey Graham and obedient manservants like Mitch McConnell have gone further, mocking the whole impeachment process.

So the oath they took: How does that work? Did they cross the fingers on their left hands? Do they reason that American politics has reached a nadir of such fundamental hypocrisy and overweening partisanship that no one regards that pledge as anything but window dressing?

If there were nothing to this, why would Trump stonewall Congress to the extent that he has? Thats not how the innocent act.

A pathological liar, Cruz called Trump.

What To Watch For

It is highly unlikely Cruz or Hawley will resign or be forced out, but their political prospects both within and outside the senate appeared to have dimmed. In addition to alienating possible donors, one anonymous Republican senator told Politico the caucus would face a reckoning over Hawley and Cruz.

Also Check: How Many Republicans Are There In The Senate

Think Republicans Are Disconnected From Reality It’s Even Worse Among Liberals

A new survey found Democrats live with less political diversity despite being more tolerant of it with startling results

In a surprising new national survey, members of each major American political party were asked what they imagined to be the beliefs held by members of the other. The survey asked Democrats: How many Republicans believe that racism is still a problem in America today? Democrats guessed 50%. Its actually 79%. The survey asked Republicans how many Democrats believe most police are bad people. Republicans estimated half; its really 15%.

The survey, published by the thinktank More in Common as part of its Hidden Tribes of America project, was based on a sample of more than 2,000 people. One of the studys findings: the wilder a persons guess as to what the other party is thinking, the more likely they are to also personally disparage members of the opposite party as mean, selfish or bad. Not only do the two parties diverge on a great many issues, they also disagree on what they disagree on.

This effect, the report says, is so strong that Democrats without a high school diploma are three times more accurate than those with a postgraduate degree. And the more politically engaged a person is, the greater the distortion.

Should the US participate in the Paris climate accord and reduce greenhouse gas emissions regardless of what other countries do? A majority of voters in both parties said yes.

Our Very Right To Vote Under Fire

The foundation of the American democracy is the absolute right of the people to choose their own leaders through the ballot box. Historians label this the sovereignty of the people. We are our own authority, in the decision-making process of the state and in the maintenance of order.

This absolute right of the people is under severe attack. Many of our fellow citizens believe that votes legitimately cast and counted are illegitimate. I do not know how or even if we will return to a culture of trust in the sovereignty of the people, and if we cannot go back, how will American democracy survive?

;Karen Merrick, Guttenberg

Recommended Reading: Why Do Republicans Still Back Trump

Hes Destroyed Conservatism: The Republican Case Against Trumps Gop

Stuart Stevens was a winning GOP operative. Now he feels terrible about what hes done to the country.

AP Photo/Patrick Semansky

Link Copied

Michael Grunwald is a senior staff writer for;Politico Magazine.

Stuart Stevens spent four decades helping Republicansa lot of Republicanswin. Hes one of the most successful political operatives of his generation, crafting ads and devising strategies for President George W. Bush, Republican presidential nominees Mitt Romney and Bob Dole, and dozens of GOP governors, senators and congressmen. He didnt win every race, but he thinks he had the best won-lost record in Republican campaign world.

And now he feels terrible about it.

Stevens now believes the Republican Party is, not to put too fine a point on it, a malign force jeopardizing the survival of American democracy. Hes written a searing apologia of a book called It Was All a Lie that compares his lifelong party to the Mafia, to Bernie Madoffs fraud scheme, to the segregationist movement, even to the Nazis. Hes pretty disillusioned.

It Was All a Lie is really about the party that spawned Trump and now marches in near-lockstep behind himthe party to which 67-year-old Stevens has devoted his career. The GOPs abject surrender to its unorthodox and unconservative leader was a surprise to Stevens, but he has concluded that he shouldnt have been surprised.

Aboard Mitt Romney’s campaign plane in Sept. 2012, senior adviser Stuart Stevens speaks to the press. | AP Photo/Evan Vucci

Hart Is Doing The Right Thing

I know Rita Hart personally and in my experience, she is the kind of person who is always trying to do the right thing, even if its difficult and an uphill battle.

Hart would likely win if just the uncounted 22 ballots were counted, but she is going a step further to ensure everyone can be confident in the election outcome by asking for a full recount. In a situation like this, a bipartisan commission in the U.S. House will likely ask the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office to conduct the recount so we can trust that politics will not interfere with the review of the election.

It is commendable that Hart is fighting to protect our sacred right to vote and the trustworthiness of our elections. Every vote must be counted to ensure Iowans continue to have confidence in their election system. Count every vote

;Maria Dickmann, Davenport

Also Check: How Many Registered Republicans In Illinois

Executive Action Is A Slippery Slope

The rationale given by the editorial board Jan. 3 to have Joe Biden issue executive orders to undo Donald Trumps executive orders is that some issues are too important to just wait for Congress. ;

Im sure this was the belief of Barack Obama when he issued his orders and the belief of Trump when he issued his orders. In other words, this rationale could be employed by any president at any time and it poses a real danger to the separation of legislative power and executive power provided by the U.S. Constitution. ;

Do the board members really want to combine these powers in the office of the presidency ?

Lonny Wilson,;West Des Moines

Democrats Werent Violent But Chose A Different Dishonorable Path

Why Do We Feel Shame?

I agree with the Jan. 7 letter Shame, shame, with the closing statement, This is one of the saddest days in our history.

And yes, when Trump won in 2016 there was no mob violence by Democrats. There was just four years of disbelief by the Democrats that Trump won and four years of trying to impeach him.

William D. Blohm, Carroll

Read Also: Who Makes More Money Democrats Or Republicans

Why Some Republicans Are Feeling Shame

Back in the fall, when Donald Trump dubbed Jeb Bush low-energy, Carlos Gimenez grew a little concerned. By last month, when Marco Rubio and Trump engaged in childish name-calling, the Republican mayor of Miami-Dade County thought the GOP presidential race had gotten out of hand. Now, after a tawdry week that has focused on the wives of Trump and Ted Cruz, Gimenez is certain that the race has moved totally out of bounds.

Politics is a contact sport, Gimenez said, but there should be contact in other ways.

Gimenez is watching with disgust, as are many Republicans across the country, as his partys presidential race turns into a tabloid talk show. After a winter that featured anatomical insults, violent clashes at rallies, and fierce accusations of lying and dirty tricks, Republicans say the past week has been particularly dispiriting.

At a moment when the party had hoped to turn its attention to;a general-election matchup against Hillary Clinton, Republicans were instead caught in;an;uncomfortable back-and-forth over allegations of adultery and jabs at the physical appearance of the wives of Trump and Cruz.

That dispute took on renewed vigor Sunday, when the two candidates went at it again on the morning shows.

Dont forget, I call him Lying Ted. I call him that because nobody that Ive known Ive known a lot tougher people over the years in business, but Ive never known anybody that lied like Ted Cruz, Trump said.

Republicans Said President Obama Would Raise Taxes Sky High

It never happened. Income taxes for over 95% of Americans remained the same or lower than they were before Obama was elected. The only people whose income taxes increased were those who make more than $400,000 per year, and their taxes rose only 3%. For most Americans, taxes are still lower now than they were under Reagan.

Don’t Miss: Can Republicans Vote In The Democratic Primary In South Carolina

Conflict Over Health Vs The Economy

Masks are also linked to the broader debate about the disease threat from the coronavirus versus and the devastating impact that social distancing has had on our economy. This controversy again has fallen out on political lines, with the right placing a relatively greater emphasis than the left on the need to restart the economy.

Within this debate, some may see masks as playing up the disease side of this balancing act, while those who don’t wear masks might be seen as prioritizing a swift return to normalcy over concerns about health and safety.

Why Republican Voters Say Theres No Way In Hell Trump Lost

By Brad Brooks, Nathan Layne, Tim Reid

12 Min Read

SUNDOWN, Texas – Brett Fryar is a middle-class Republican. A 50-year-old chiropractor in this west Texas town, he owns a small business. He has two undergraduate degrees and a masters degree, in organic chemistry. He attends Southcrest Baptist Church in nearby Lubbock.

Fryar didnt much like Donald Trump at first, during the U.S. presidents 2016 campaign. He voted for Texas Senator Ted Cruz in the Republican primaries.

Now, Fryar says he would go to war for Trump. He has joined the newly formed South Plains Patriots, a group of a few hundred members that includes a reactionary force of about three dozen – including Fryar and his son, Caleb – who conduct firearms training.

Nothing will convince Fryar and many others here in Sundown – including the towns mayor, another Patriots member – that Democrat Joe Biden won the Nov. 3 presidential election fairly. They believe Trumps stream of election-fraud allegations and say theyre preparing for the possibility of a civil war with the American political left.

If President Trump comes out and says: Guys, I have irrefutable proof of fraud, the courts wont listen, and Im now calling on Americans to take up arms, we would go, said Fryar, wearing a button-down shirt, pressed slacks and a paisley tie during a recent interview at his office.

This is dystopian, Light said. America could fracture.

THERES JUST NO WAY

NO WAY IN HELL

Recommended Reading: How Many Republicans Are Running For President

Republicans Said Waterboarding And Other Forms Of Enhanced Interrogation Are Not Torture And Are Necessary In Fighting Islamic Extremism

In reality, waterboarding and other forms of enhanced interrogation that inflict pain, suffering, or fear of death are outlawed by US law, the US Constitution, and international treaties. Japanese soldiers after World War II were prosecuted by the United States for war crimes because of their use of waterboarding on American POWs.

Professional interrogators have known for decades that torture is the most ineffective and unreliable method of getting accurate information. People being tortured say anything to get the torture to end but will not likely tell the truth.

An FBI interrogator named Ali Soufan was able to get al Qaeda terrorist Abu Zubaydah to reveal crucial information without the use of torture. When CIA interrogators started using waterboarding and other enhanced interrogation methods, Zubaydah stopped cooperating and gave his interrogators false information.

Far from being necessary in the fight against terrorism, torture is completely unreliable and counter-productive in obtaining useful information.

Shame Can Last A Lifetime If We Let It

Find a therapist near me

Shame is one of the hardest emotions to talk about. It can also be the hardest emotion to recognize in ourselves, and it can feel the most painful. So, what is shame and how do we know if were feeling it?

Shame is often confused with embarrassment or guilt. Embarrassment arises when the way we want people to see us isnt the way they do. We want people to think were cool, but then we walk out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to our shoe. The feeling usually doesnt last long. Guilt arises when we think weve broken societys or our own moral code. We feel guilty when we lie, for example. Guilt can last a long time, but we usually know that well feel better when we come clean.

Shame can last a lifetime if we let it. It isnt caused by a single event, but an amassing of wounds to our self-worth. We feel guilty when we think weve done something wrong and embarrassed or humiliated when weve erred in public. But we feel shame when we think we are wrong. We may feel powerless to change whatever it is that makes us feel it, which then leads us to feel even more of it. Shame can feel unfixable, because it binds to all emotions. So even when we feel good, we can feel shamelike we dont deserve it.

Its never too late. Love yourself and forgive yourself. Begin today.

Read Also: How Many Registered Republicans Are In The United States

Senator Grassley Was It Worth It

Dear Senator Grassley:

It was impossible to not see the events of Jan. 6 as inevitable.;Some in your Republican Party are assigning blame to the president, acknowledging the role he played. ;

The blame for the;insurrection, loss of life, and the tenuous state of our democracy lies elsewhere.;Truth be known, anyone paying attention knew who Mr. Donald Trump was, and remains: a lawless, narcissistic, racist, immoral, and corrupt human being.;More could be said. ;

Perhaps it is time for you to accept responsibility for the indisputable role you played in empowering this despot.;The examples of his malfeasance in office are legion. ;

You had a chance to put an end to;Trump’s tyranny when you cast your senatorial vote after House impeachment.;The evidence of his offense could not have been clearer,;ignored by you and everyone in your party,;save for Sen. Mitt Romney, your own former presidential nominee. ;

Repercussions of your cowardice, including the treatment of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, a whistle-blower, which you made a career off pretending to protect, are too numerous to count.;Your tepid statements supporting other whistle-blowers who were also subjected to vicious attacks, and the rarity of public admonitions of these and other wrongdoings, are a disgrace to your office. ;;

Nevertheless, you certainly have achieved what must have been foremost in your agenda.;You personally helped to pack the Supreme Court, and countless other lifetime appointments have been confirmed. ;

Republicans Claim That Raising The Minimum Wage Would Kill Jobs And Hurt The Economy

Why are Shame & Trauma so Connected?

There is far more evidence to the contrary. Cities and states that have higher minimum wages tend to have better rates of job creation and economic growth.

Detailed analyses show that job losses due to increases in the minimum wage are almost negligible compared to the economic benefits of higher wages. Previous increases in the minimum wage have never resulted in the dire consequences that Republicans have predicted.

Republicans have accused President Obama of “cutting defense spending to the bone”. This chart of 2014 discretionary spending firmly disproves that argument.

Also Check: How Many Senate Seats Do The Republicans Have Right Now

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 050.

x1 When are you likely to lie? If it is a surprise. 

x2 Do you say what you mean, and mean what you say? almost always other than in the above circumstance.

x3 What is a personality type that you do not like? confrontational, entitled, argumentative, angered, aggressive

x4 What is a personality type that you DO like? KINDNESS, genuine, honest, warm, loyal, fun-loving, caring

x5 Which of your friends is the least like you? In what way? meg. She is veryyy promiscuous and flirts with danger in pretty much every way imagineable. Drinking, drugs, trips with guys she hasn’t met, sleeping with people she hardly knows their names, etc.

x6 How about the most like you? In what way? umm, I guess I don’t know. my friends are loud when I’m soft. They’re funny when I’m not. I’m patient and they’re impatient. I’m slow to react, theyre very reactive. 

x7 What is something you do daily? Is this a habit of yours? feed benny. yes.

x8 What was the last thing to frustrate you? Is it still, now? hmm, I guess being talked down to today. it was brief and there were semi-apologies, so nah. It’s not bugging me now.

x9 Do you let other peoples' troubles bring you down? I very much consider myself empathetic. I try very hard to not be consumed by someone else’s woes unless the situation calls for it.

x1o When was the last time you felt under-appreciated? oof. often.

x11 Does anyone take advantage of you or take you for granted? YEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.

x12 Are you taking anyone for granted? I’m sure there are ways I am, but I try not to.

x13 What is one selfish thing that you do? I used to tell people “hey, I need some attention” (mostly .. actually I think only with Kile) 

x14 How about something selfless? I have loved someone enough to let them go and love someone else despite how that kills me. If I love them enough, I want them to be happy. even if that means it’s without me

x15 If it were to snow right now, would that be unusual? It would be. It’s July. Snow is not at all a likelihood in such hot weather.

x16 What do you like to do on your favorite holiday? ooo goodness. I just love slowing down and taking moments to burn the memory into my brain. Stop and really think about the smells, the sounds, the people, the traditions, the sights, the weather, etc. It just fills my cup. 

x17 What helps you fall asleep? playing serendipity. Otherwise I forsure have nightmares about losing kile.

x18 When you are nervous about something, what do you do? my legs quiver. my hands on occasion. Sometimes my jaw gets tingly. 

x19 Have you ever been near death? How was this experience? Yes. Once as a child I had a really severe illness and was hospitalized for a long time. Another time I was in a bad accident and went through the windshield (again as a child). I’ve been very sick as an adult but not to the point of death. I have had someone plan to kill me. that was probably my closest brush with death I suppose.

x2o What is something you understand very well? umm, neuroscience. Sudoku. humor. 

x21 How do you feel about friendship in general? Its an interesting thing. Em and nathan are life-rs. We are connected for life. However, I felt closest to my kile. I just felt like I belonged with him. but without him I feel so empty. I don’t like that part of friendship.

x22 Is there anyone you wish you were still friends with now? I mean I think it’s obvious. 

x23 Which friendship have you maintained the longest? Are you two close? em. we are

x24 What do you do to help yourself "move on" from things? ummm, you should probably ask me this in a few months when I’ve learned how to do such a thing. the only thing I know is it is a process where you wake up every day and muster up courage to exist another 24 hours. eventually when it’s bedtime, you collapse into a pool of tears and pray for courage to sleep. then you wake up and repeat the process until it gets easier and easier. I have no recipe for moving on.

x25 What is a scent that reminds you of someone? jimmy choo man reminds me of dustin and liza.

x26 Is there an image/memory you wish you could forget? oh my goodness, yes. But it wouldn’t do me any good.

x27 Do you think it is possible to live without regret? Why or why not? I think yes. I think we can recognize that those moments helped to shape us into the people we are today. Things happen for a reason.

x28 Do you think that you are headed in the right direction? Right now I’m without much direction, but I do think I’m where God is calling me to be. 

x29 If you have a religion, do you think it's the only "right" one? My faith is what I genuinely believe is true.

x3o Have you met anyone else who challenged that belief? of course people want to challenge it 

x31 What is the hardest part about writing a paper, for you? ugh, decent intro/conclusion. The meat and potatoes parts are my fave. I love the editing. But the intros and conclusions I dread. 

x32 How often do you doubt yourself? Has this helped or hindered you? I never did before. I do find myself starting to doubt things since stuff happened with kile. I doubt my looks, my ability to find someone, my future, my awareness of those around me, my intelligence, my value towards someone else. I know I have a lot to offer, but I now doubt whether anyone wants what I have to offer.

x33 What is a fear you want to overcome? putting myself back out there.

x34 What is something you do not like about yourself, with good reason? the fact that I am enormous. It’s not that I cant appreciate body positivity, it’s that I think I am found unattractive. 

x35 Do you do anything harmful? Like what? Generally no. I’ve had thoughts of things but never acted on anything.

[diaryofcain]

Just speaking whats going on in my head

Hi. So I know you post things for me to see sometimes, but idk if you check my profile, so idk if you’re going to see this. But idk, I had to type this out somewhere. Theres this girl, this beautiful girl, who I was with. And I loved every second i spent with her no matter what we did, as long as we did it together. She was my best friend. I wanted her by my side for everything. I wanted to do so much with her. But i tend to fuck things up when I have something great right in front of me. I lost her. I think about her every second of the day. I wonder what shes up to, how shes doing, how shes feeling. I miss her voice so much. I miss her face. Her face gave me so much joy. Her presence made my soul feel happy. Now without it, no matter how productive i am, no matteer how much i accomplish, yeah i get happy in the moment, but then i realize the young woman who i wanted beside me through it all isnt here. And i realize no matter how much i get done, itll never feel as good without her here, without her in my life. I fucked up, many times. I guess i didnt realize what i had in front of me until it was too late. I tend to learn things the hard way. I put her through A LOT of shit. Shit that i couldve avoided and prevented, out of respect for her. because she deserves that and so much more. She deserves the world, and i mean that with every atom in my body. I hate myself for not being a man for her. Because my heart aches every second of the day. I would do anything to be in her life. I know she doesnt need me, but based on how im feeling and the impact she has left me, I have no problem saying i need her in y life, although its completely understandable as to why she wouldnt want me in hers. Thats all on me. We saw a future together, a bright fun future, and I had to fuck it up. It really fucking kills me. So i can imagine how bad I hurt her...and im so sorry. I miss her so fucking much, i really dont think ive ever missed anyone this much. But then again ive never looked at anyone and saw them as my other half, someone i wanted to spend forever with. If i could tell my past self anything, it would be to man the fuck up, treat her like royalty, because shes a queen, shes a treasure. Unfortunately i cant go back in time, i cant undo anything ive done as much as i wish and pray i could. I cant take any of the hurt and pain ive caused her. I cant undo the mistakes ive made. But im giving it my all to become a better person. For me. For her. Even if she never wants me in her life, friend or more. But if she sees this, i would want her to know that i fele empty inside without her. Her smile lit up the room, especially her laugh. Her presence was unmatched, it always will be. Shes so special, and kind hearted, and caring, and even when someone hurts her, she still cares and checks up on them. She’s truly one of a kind. She made it easy to smile on my bad days. When im with her, hours feel like minutes, and when im not with her or we’re not talking, minutes feel like months. It kills me to know she doesnt look at me the same way anymore, how she once saw me, but who could blame her? She di nothing but love me and care for me, and i was just a dick, a selfish, srtubborn, arrogant piece of shit. Well I lost my diamond in the sand. Its truly a struggle to get through each day without her, I dont want to. But its either that or death. I want her to know that ill be thinking of her every day, praying for her, her family, and for her to just be happy. And that I know my actions in the past have definitely shown otherwise and she has no reason or cause to believe anything i say, but if its one thing i do mean, is that i love her, very very much and i really fucking hate doing this life thing without her in it. And if me not being in her life is what will make her happy or make life for her easier, idc how much pain or sadness it brings me. I’ve regretted a lot of things in my 23 years of life, but this has to be my biggest regret. Not treating her the way I shouldve, not the way i want to. Like the best thing in my life. But life is full of regrets. She said the only person that could push her away from me was me, and thats what i did. She just alwaysss has to be right. So im a real fucking moron for that. She may not want me in her life (which is understandable), she may not love me anymore or miss me (also understandable) and maybe she hates me (also also understandable), but she will always be my best friend, my favorite person, my emily...

[friedpotat0]

its funny because the people that should care about you dont, and the people that shouldnt be bothered to care about you just waste their time over you. 

my parents dont know that i cry myself to sleep nearly every night, that i cry on the ride home, or that i wrote a suicide note and plan with full intention to kill myself before 2:30 on tuesday 10/29, they have no idea i think about my own death often or that i plan on killing myself before i turn 30, or how my body shakes every second of the day because everything is distracting or making me immensely nervous. they dont know im frustrated or irritated or that every little thing annoys the fuck out of me or how my paranoia is so bad i always perpetually feel like the entire world is against me, they dont know ive been seeing the counselor since high school and that the psychiatrist bluntly told me i have severe depression with bipolar 2 and prescribed me lamitrogine even though i really disagree with the diagnosis and wished they listened to my concerns about anxiety instead. 

people dont know these things bc i dont tell them and i dont want anyone to worry about me. im pretty good at hiding things bc ive been dealing with bad thoughts my whole life. but relentlessly i choose to believe in optimism because i believe in Allah and he is slowly guiding me through this hellscape. i hate crying in front of people, and i especially dont like have any attention on me ever (unless im playing the guitar, then shut up). i dont like being selfish and self absorbed. and i hate dwelling on the past.

its funny when ur own family has absolutely no idea whats going on because when you did tell them, when u were 14, about the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, they yelled at you and called u attention seeking, so u never told them about the weight loss or the scars or the suicide attempts. its so funny that the people that should care about you dont, and really just prize you as a trophy rather than a human being with thoughts and feelings. 

instead the counselor, my research supervisor, hell my fucking advisor has more concern over me than my own family and (certain) close “friends” ever will have in their lives. it means a lot to me that im finally getting some love and attention that ive always needed, but never realized it.

its funny how things get so distorted in your mind. you accomplish so much yet you feel like you did so little. i am so fatigued all the time, i already feel old, my skin is so dry and my body is so frail, my back aches endlessly, my lips are chapped and falling off, your feet always hurt, your hands are always cold, my mind is so worn. my nails are so brittle at this point and breaking at the edges. my skin is so fucked up id like to rip it off at this point. 

its so weird to me i wrote a whole suicide plan and suicide note and released it with every intention that i will kill myself before the end of the week but yet i am still here, very much alive and (arguably) healthy. with full intention to finish this semester. why? what happened there? and yet i still find myself looking back at that plan constantly with tears running down my face. i have a lot of tears. 

i wanted to kill myself since i was very very young. i remember when my mom would scream at me that she wishes i was dead and that i was her burden, nearly every day, and i would go to sleep crying praying to god he would kill me in my sleep. i would suffocate myself when i was 6 just to try to end it all. i barely had any friends growing up and if i did i saw them briefly in school or once every three months at some gathering. rarely did i leave the house or ever get involved in the community, except for the sports my dad would force me into. i had little social interaction, and not many adults in my life to look up to other than my mom. i never felt like her daughter, i felt like i was some sister of hers. i never had a loving maternal figure in my life, save for a few teachers i have had, god bless them. now she only loves me because i can do things for her. when she hit me she didnt love me. when she screamed at me every day she didnt love me. when she told me to kill myself she didnt do that out of love. she doeesnt remember any of these things and claimed i made it up. i feel like im in hell. she had a hard life, to be fair...but i would raise my daughter differently. i would prefer to stay away from the word “burden” when referring to my children. 

i have a good life and ill never dispute that ever. i was born with a lot of privilege. so why am i like this? who knows. you feel like your whole life was stolen from you and that you missed so many oppurtunities that you could have taken but every bone in your body screamed “no”. its bittersweet knowing that i am finally getting help but where was this help 6 years ago? how much more could i have accomplished if i had people in my life supporting me? and that i only receive this support recently? i only had two adult figures in my life and they were both my parents, my mom being very emotianally abusive and self centered with the maturity of a 6 year old, and my distant father who barely made any effort to listen to me, both who denies any sign of mental illness or health defects of any sort when the signs were clear. 

why are my parents so concerned about my marriage when they should really be concerned about me?

I feel so emotionally stunted, as if i am still 15 years old, becasuse i am finally allowed to leave my damn house. what a life i have lived, so uneventful. never allowed to leave or wear what you want, say what you want, do what you want, because you are a muslim girl. fun is banned in islam, and in my family, apparently. no sense of humor, style, color, everything is so bland and monotonous it makes you want to scream. no passion, no motivation, just the same robotic shit for 20 years. why would i want to live a life like this i ask myself? for the rest of my fucking life? id rather die. at least in hell i can do what i want.

i hate being in my skin. sometimes i hate being in my body too. i am forced to wear mutliple layers of thick makeup every single fucking day for 12-16 hours straight because my skin is that fucking terrible and ugly. i cant imagine being naturally beatiful and having clear skin and then boasting about it, on top of that. its so infuriating. i am so ugly. no one can convince me otherwise. i feel so trapped so trapped no one even knows. no one will ever really understand. i dont expect them to. i want to do so much but i can only do so little. im too frail and weak to do anything. im always so tired, and sad, to make things worse. i wish i had so much potential but i dont. im dead already on the inside, like a rotted tree. what hope is there left.

sometimes i want to leave my hometown without telling anyone and never come back. that would be fun. then i can finally have the freedom i want and the ability to actually explore my life like i should. then i can finally choose my own path to the future. but i am confined in my own mind, in my own house, in my own family, in my own city. fuck this.

now i look ahead to a hopefully brighter future. progress and healing is very slow and gradual. the only growth i should focus on is myself. for the sake of myself. and for the sake of God. i will make it i have to keep saying it, speak it into existence, because if i dont, ill wither away.

#personal #definitely deleting this later #please dont message me or contact me im fine #i just needed to rant #people dont rlly know the tea #im not shading anyone just upset that things r this way

[mbclby-blog]

Through the Cat Eye

By: Allie Beals

On my way to the water dish I see my friend Dixie, staring outside the french doors. She tilts her head as to look in a different direction, the sunlight glistens from her bright yellow eyes. Specs of gold surround the ever so deeply black-pupil of each eye. Dixie’s eyes have always enchanted me. We cherish our eyes, they allow us to be great hunters and help us to communicate to one another. I can see in Dixie’s eyes that she has a plan, she wants to do something, but what? Dixie is bright, I can always feel her aura, it's a bright yellow similar to her enchanting eyes, but she’s young and naive. I'm getting old, my light is fading, it’s my responsibility to show her the ways of being. I need to make sure this kingdom I have created doesn’t crumble once my day comes.

"Kirby! I need your help!" Dixies message breaks my trance.

"Yes?" I reply.

"Let’s open these french doors! Lets go explore over there" Her posture fixated towards me, but her eyes lead to the french doors.

"Oh Dixie, you want to go there?" I act disgusted to mask my fear of the things beyond the french doors. I’ve seen big dogs and wild humans running through my view when I look into the windows. Beyond the door is just confusion and emptiness. I've gazed through the jumble of tall plants and trees that surround the kingdom, they seem to go on indefinitely.

“Just for a moment?” Dixie turns to face the glass as the sun sends a ripple of shine across her slick black coat.

"It’s winter, Dixie, we can’t go out there" I curl my tail around my postured body. Hopefully I can create an excuse.

Dixie tilts her head, her eyes convey confusion. "What do you mean winter?"

"It's called a season, and if you listened to me more often you'd understand. Winter isn't a great season. We could go, but it's too cold there, we don't belong."

"But I want to hunt-I want to explore!"

"I know you do, it's in your DNA, but inside our kingdom is where you belong- food is always given, warmth is always provided, and shelter is here to protect us from predators."

"How am I supposed to truly live if I fight what's inside? I don't understand."

"You should use your instincts to protect this kingdom. Those damn Flies in the summertime, do you expect the Dog to kill them? That's our jobs Dixie, we are the true protectors of this place, I need you to understand this before my time comes."

"Fine, whatever." Dixie sighs, I can tell she’s disappointed, but I can’t risk her getting lost or killed out there, she can be so selfish sometimes.

"Great, now come help me open the cabinet so we can get some treats." I flick my tail, slightly irritated, but I’ll get over it once we get something to eat and I take a nice nap.

Night falls abruptly, I wander the hallways and rooms that makeup my kingdom, searching for trespassers. Dixie and I patrol most of the night, the two of us make a nice team. Both of us blend perfectly into the shadows that the moon and darkness create most nights, but Dixie’s coat is all black, so her camouflage is exceptionally effective. Tonight the moon isn't out, and the kingdom is pitch black, the perfect conditions to sneak up on any unwanted guests.  Surprisingly, Dixie is nowhere to be found, perhaps the humans placed her in the attic, or she’s asleep in a secret nook. This eerie feeling fills my bones as a breeze weaves through my whiskers. What was that. The wind? I think to myself there must be a logical explanation, the humans left the window open or the door… My senses lead me to a gaping tarnish in the wall, replacing where a french door barricaded. What the hell? I approach the dark mysterious hole, somewhat curious as to what could be within it. Unknown outlines appear through the hole, my eyes desperately try to adjust to the lighting in order to see the objects more clearly, my eyes are no longer what they once were. I have no problems navigating my kingdom in darkness, I’m used to the shadows that appear at night, I know the twists and turns of my turf. But out there? I might as well be blind. I sniff around the frame of the hole, Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. I stare straight into the darkness, shivers escalate down my spine as I place one paw onto the icy ground, scanning the endless darkness, I feel as lonely as ever, but a fire burns inside me, a fire to find my best friend.

Damp soft soil contaminates my white paws, how irritating. Around me, although it’s hard to see, is nothingness. Oh Dixie, where are you? I turn around to gaze at my kingdom, I’ve never seen something so enormous in my life. I can see gaps along the tall walls, two shine brightly, and through this gap I see one of my humans pass by. The sight of my kingdom sets my mind at ease, for just a moment, then I'm back worrying about Dixie.

How the hell am I supposed to find her?

Feelings of discouragement ripple my soul, making it difficult to even move. I sit down into the damp earth, I decided to look up, for no particular reason. Airbrush of lights fill the area far far above me, yet the lights I see are so clear, so beautiful, they remind me of Dixies eyes.

I close my eyes, still sitting and my head faces upwards, I relax my muscles, I begin to Purr. This is a secret I learned from an old friend, her name was Trixie. When I was young she taught me how to heal my soul and body through the art of purring. It only works when I quiet my mind, let ideas roll through my head without any extension of thought on them. I can relieve pain and tap into my intuition. It’s a difficult thing to achieve, that’s why only my species can do so. No dog, no fish, no bird, and especially no human, could ever understand. I possess this ability, I can heal my own wounds, I can alleviate any uncomfort I feel at anytime. So I relax, I empty my mind and begin to purr.

  As I'm sitting and purring, my mind feels warm, it seems to vibrate in the ways I often do when stalking prey. I feel my body raise us from the ground, I feel this pulling at my body, like the time those humans tried to put a leash on me, pulling of my whole body, forwards more and more, I cannot fight this. Swiftly, like a feather that floats in the air, I’m guided through the damp soil, then onto a cold hard rough surface.

I arrive at the end of this path, a black path that feels unnatural beneath my paws. I open my eyes now, I see a large gazing light hovering far above me, brighter than the ones I saw earlier, yet not as bright as the sun. The light illuminates in a way that I am able to see in front of me and around, this is so strange. Another black path split apart two sections of earth, I see trees on the other side, bushes, and kingdom much similar to my own.

A new light emmergess, appearing to come towards me up the black path-

~VROOOOOMMMMMM-Skrrrrrrt~

Okay- actually though, WHAT was that? I didn't get a good look, but I see a strange monster fly down the black path, away from me, thankfully.

Another light appears, and one after that, I quickly hide beneath a bush, gazing out as I watch the monsters fly by me, good thing I’m such a great hider. I can't recall ever seeing anything as fast, I shut my eyes and try to relax, yet I can't reach any state of comfort.

~Vroooooooo~

A new monster approaches, my eyes creep open to glance, as an odd need to look once again comes over me. I see the monster whip by, and a sudden blue gleem appears in my far left view. I snap my head as to look into the direction of the mystery. No hope for these eyes, must have been a trick, as the truth of darkness faces all around me. I let out a sigh, aching to turn around and retreat. Why am I here? Being cowardly, Dixie needs me, the light in her soul will help guide me, maybe she was naive, but never afraid.

As yet another monster passes by, I see something different, in the bush across the black path, two glowing blue and yellow eyes. At a glance they appear to be lights in the bush, but my intuition tells me otherwise. Suddenly my paws are moving, again out of my control, they lead me across the monster runway. My senses enhance, I smell the familiar aroma of the kingdom I know so well, it’s got to be her, it’s just got to be. I walk over to the bush, gazing in I see Dixie.

She seems weak, in a fragile state, she doesn't even notice me.

“Dixie” I nudge her.

“K-Kirby?” She chirps “Wha- you came for me?”

“Of course Dixie, I need you and I love you, are you okay?”

“I-I don’t know...I think...I was attacked…” Dixie winces, her leg is hurt badly, I feel redness matted down on her black coat. I look into her eyes, they glow despite the darkness, yet they are empty. Is Dixie Dying? I can feel her aura it’s cold blue, not the blue you may see in the sky or the blue that glistens off the snow, but a dark, cold, and lonely blue.

“I don't think I can walk, Kirby...I’m dumb for believing that there was anything… anything good beyond the french doors, I really don’t think I’m okay.” Her breaths are slow and forced, she cant move her broken leg and the rest of her body seems to be nonfunctioning. I lay next to her, as close as I can be.

“Dixie, you need to feel right now. Hear me, but don't focus on my acknowledgments.” I shut my eyes, and let reality fade out ever so slowly-

“Kirby, this isn't real... I know you tried teaching me before, the dog told me you're full of it...Ple-Please just leave me be, I hold you back and I don't belong in the kingdom...” Dixie rests her head on the wet soil, her black coat blends in perfectly with the ground, if it wasn't for the bright lights of passing monsters I wouldn't see her at all. She never listens to me, or maybe I’m just not listening to her. There is no reason for us to have such disagreements, we are the same, I see the old me in her all the time, so I listen. Her heart beats slowly, her breath is now shaky, I feel her losing energy and her light. I view myself as her, never before have I felt empathy at such a degree, we are the same.

I let out a cry as to gain her attention, she looks at me wide eyed, I never cry to her like like that. We stare at each other, and our eyes are locked, her ears lower, not breaking the gaze for even a second to blink. I feel a new vibration, it allows me to stare straight into her soul.

“Shut your eyes” I signal, as my eyes slowly close, she does the same, I feel her following my every move.

“Forget your ears, forget your nose, forget your whiskers” I signal to her, she complies. Now is the time, no longer in the reality we once knew, we are in a bright green pasture full of flowers and sunlight. The french doors are there but nothing else, no walls, no kingdom, just the two of us, the french doors, and earth. I see Dixie dazed and confused, she looks at me then she looks down at her paws. Suddenly, she jumps around and runs in the grass, I feel her ask me where we are, and if we are dead. I simply don’t reply, I lay in the gass and begin to purr. She gravitates towards me once again, settling down. You ever wonder why we have 9 lives Dixie? I ask her, staring, she reads my thoughts crystal clear. We aren't dead, you know this. Now listen to yourself, look at your leg right now. You're in good health. Dixie lays next to me, she stretches her legs and her toes, allowing the grass to overtake her body. In this moment she is pure, and full of life. I feel her utilize all the energy around her. She purrs, though they appear more like roars, so loud and strong they vibrate the grass and the flowers, everything begins to dance around us. Both of us continue to purr in unison. Follow me, I signal. Dixie raises up and trails behind me as we weave our way in the grass towards the french doors. Things aren't always as they appear Dixie, we are not lost, we are not dead, we are home. We pass through the french doors and suddenly we are inside the kingdom once again. We both open our eyes.

The kingdom is dark and quiet, just how we like it. Dixie looks at me, her face is changed, her aura is now a soft white and yellow, even her eyes have changed, the appear even more golden. She gives me a slow blink, thanking me for saving her. I look at her and blink back, telling her that she doesn't need to thank me, that she’s had that ability all along.

I'm no longer the soul keeper of this kingdom, Dixies earned her place among the throne, it’s now the two of us, together.

“Now what do you say we sneak into the cabinet and get a treat” I lick my paws as to get some of the dirt off before gazing towards the food pantry. Dixies eyes light up with excitement, she prances in front of me, jumping upon the tables and chairs as we make our way into the kitchen.

[nidawia]

Chronically ill.

I'm having a day I can't pretend to be strong. Having a day of breakdown and tears streaming down my face. A day of depression, sadness, anger, self pitying, self hating and exhaustion. Why? Because of my chronic illness. I have IBD. I have ulcerative colitis. I also have a syndrome in which I am more likely to faint, get lightheaded and run out of breath more easily than others due to my blood pressure randomly dropping. Some days I can't even get out of bed due to everything spinning and I'm feeling nauseous. Like, it's REALLY bad. I can't MOVE an inch and I can't have my eyes OPEN if I want to feel somewhat okay. It takes me at least 3-4 hours before I can slightly move around while laying down and have my eyes open. Then my IBD. It's honestly tearing me apart. I don't even know where to begin with this disease. Probably started around 3 years ago. I got diagnosed last year when I was 18 years old. I've been destroyed mentally, physically, socially, emotionally by it. Several times over. Right now I'm refusing to be on any type of hospital medication even if I'm in the middle of having a flare up. Why am I doing that? Because I don't fully believe in the doctors ways anymore. They "treat" your symptoms - more accurately; they hide them. You get addicted to take the medication. They don't try (at least the vast majority of them) to go to the bottom of things what might have CAUSED it. They don't look at the individual. They see the symptoms, they see the medicine for the symptoms and they give it to us. Money, money, money. That's all it's about. I, however, am trying the natural way. I take some "medication" - all natural for us though. Special tea. Vitamins. Liver pills. Etc. and then I'm on an EXTREMELY strict diet. No gluten for a year. No dairy products. No garlic or onions of any kind. No sugar. No citrus fruits or veggies. No soy. The list goes on and on. I have the most boring ass diet. But, two weeks ago I can tell y'all that I haven't felt so normal in over 3 years. No pain, no blood, no gas or weird noises from my bowel, lots of ENERGY, and I was genuinely happy to actually feel normal. I had forgotten what it felt like. Now, though... I'm having a setback. And I need to rant about it. Short backstory though: I should not have either IBD or my syndrome concerning my blood pressure. They've been triggered by a vaccine I got 3-4 years ago. All my problems started after that. They didn't tell us that people that have an asthmatic parent, they're immune system aren't as strong against the side effects of the vaccine. And guess what? My dad is an asthmatic! And what are one of the things I've gotten? An autoimmune disease! Coincidence? I think the hell not. However, somehow, I've been blessed to have a partner that loves me and supports me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. We met online and we've met and been together in real life as well. We've known each other for like 10 months and he's absolutely amazing and I love him. But I'm so afraid of holding him back in life due to my fucked up condition. I don't want to do that to him. I want him to be happy. But selfishly I also want him all to myself. Moving on, today I've been so sad. And I'm gonna just copy paste a rant I gave a friend of mine: Even if this setback is hella much smaller than what I've suffered from before, it didn't stop me from having a breakdown. Something I actually haven't had for a very long time But I couldn't stop it today. I've lost my energy, I just feel completely drained. I want to sleep, but can't. I wanna do so many things, but I can't. I blame my sickness but then I inevitably, like all other times, blame myself. I really hate this though. Like I've said so many times before. But I can't help but let all negativity slip back into my mind. I hate the fact that I'll never be normal. Ever. Hate that I've become a victim to a CHRONIC illness I shouldn't even have. It's CHRONIC. I'll never ever heal from it. I may think I do, I may work towards it and I may hope to be "the one that got cured from an incurable disease", but it'll never happen. I can never be fully cured. I can never be fully normal ever again. My life is bound and restricted to my illness. I have days, like this one, that I succumb to my dark thoughts. Become depressed, sad, angry, exhausted of the fight and just lay in my bed crying all day. Start hating myself for being weak. For being a crybaby. I'm in a constant battle between "no, I'm not gonna let this stupid shit control my life, I'm gonna live it to the fullest and do whatever I want" and "I just wanna give up the fight. Take all medication from the hospital, destroy my body further. Shut the world out and be done with it." I lose myself. Can't stop the tears from rolling down. I'm living in constant fear and tension. My body can fuck up at any time. It has done that soooo much in the past. Destroyed me inside and out. I hate myself. Being weak. Ugly. Negative. Scared. Not confident. Closed off. Not easy to like or get along with. Not funny. Not smart. Nothing, really. I don't even know what my fiancé sees in me. I've been so scared to get close to anyone, to let anyone in. There's been so many reasons for me to avoid a romantic relationship. Been reasons to keep everyone on a distance. Reasons no one will truly understand if they aren't in the same position as I am. But I love him more than anything and more than I've loved anyone else. We complement and complete each other but I can't help to feel that I should, in fact, push him away... I love him so much and I just want him to be truly happy and live his life to the fullest, exactly the way he wants it with no regrets. I feel like... like I'll only hold him back. I don't want him to have to be tied to me and my never ending problems, the restrictions on my life. I don't want him to miss out on anything... on all the things that someone else could give to him. I don't want him to ever have to regret anything due to me holding him back. He's beyond amazing and supportive of my situation, but I cant help but think about all of this. He's the only one I can see myself loving for the rest of my life,and ofc he loves me too and feels the same in that way cuz otherwise he would've never proposed to me but... if he could be happier with someone else... I don't want him to miss out on it. That's how much I love him. I'd be prepared to let him go, even if my whole body and mind screams the opposite and it'll tear me apart every single day and be worse of a pain than anything else I've ever been through - I'd let him go if it meant for him to be the happiest he could possibly be I can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop thinking that maybe I'm just being selfish... I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. One wrong step and it all comes back like a slap to the face with a brick. That's what has happened. I've felt great, better than I've felt for over THREE FREAKING YEARS, took one wrong step and now I'm bleeding and in pain again I'm so goddamn sick of this So sick of wanting to actually fight it and live life but as soon as I stand up everything goes black. Or I'm in so much pain I can't even get out of bed. This sucks so much. *** Also, my setback is due to me trying eating chicken again and my body reacting to it. Since I've been stable for almost a month with no bleeding or pain in trying to expand my diet, which didn't work too well this time. My current diet consists of this: Oatmeal with oat milk. Sweet potatoes, normal potatoes (need to be boiled and then used the day after) Mango, bananas, pears, watermelon, blueberries, raspberries, avocado Parsley Salmon, white fish Asparagus, carrots (needs to be cooked so they soften up and are easy for the digestive system) Almond milk Max 3 eggs every other day and they have to be runny Maple syrup, honey "Clean herbs" - I have to season everything myself cuz I need to know EXACTLY what's in my food. Everything needs to be organic and of good quality. The only dairy product I'm allowed to use is real organic butter. Olive oil in only allowed to use cold and drizzle on top of things. So yeah. I get really depressed about the insane restrictions on my food, too. Can never go out and enjoy restaurants and probably never will be able to either... there's so much more I want to say and rant about but this is long enough. If anyone would ever read it all.... thank you for hearing me out.

#ibd #ibd problems #ulceration #irritable bowel disease #chronic illness