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inosukeslefttoe · 1 year
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i’m pulling this shit out of my ass and all the emotions i’ve been having because i decided to binge devilman crybaby today. I first saw it in 2020 during the pandemic and decided it was one of the best pieces of media i’ve ever consumed. i was worried that my opinion of it would’ve changed by now BUT IT HAS NOT.
it honestly just such a beautiful piece of media,, i think i could talk for hours so i’m not even gonna mention the aesthetics and soundtrack and imagery and references and just focus on like. feelings.
THE CAT SCENE. became so much more obvious and important this time around. basically. akira is the cat and ryo is the one crying. we all know about akira empathy abilities and his weird “you’re crying too” when it seems clear that ryo ISNT and that he has no feelings. EXCEPT HE DOES !! he doesn’t know it at the time but deep down inside him is the ability to feel sadness and therefore the ability to love. tbh i think the reason he didn’t believe in either of those things at the beginning was because they’re both just so. human. ANYWAYS the way that akira sobs upon the cats passing despite the fact that he Knew it was gonna die mirrors how ryo cries for akira in the end. ryo knew akira was human and that he would eventually pass,, AND THEN HE EVEN FUCKING FOUGHT HIM TO THE DEATH AND KILLED HIM ?? yet he still cried over his corpse. and like ,, that literally makes no sense because HE KILLED HIM HIMSELF so why does he cry ?? why does he mourn this weak human that he knew was already dead ?? BECAUSE HE HAS FEELINGS. HE HAS STUPID MESSY IRRATIONAL HUMAN FEELINGS. OF LOVE AND HEARTBREAK AND SADNESS AND LOSS. and i think that might be part of what scares him the most. he lived his whole life thinking he was emotionless and superior and strong,, and as long as he had akira by his side to be the emotional one of the group he’d be fine repressing all his shit. but now akira is gone and he’s left to sit in his feelings and except the fact that he HAS them and that he’s a little bit more human that he thought. oh and also i just think that for someone who always talks about how the strong beat the weak etc etc ,, it seems a little silly for ryo to fall in love with akira who is the softest and (no offense) physically weakest baby boy out there. he literally had this coming.
the baton scene !! this one didn’t hit quite as hard as the cat scene but i still want to talk about it because i <3 repetition. i think it’s supposed to symbolize how throughout his life akira tried and tried and tried again to get ryo to feel his feelings and be able to give and accept love. no matter how many times he tried and failed, akira never gave up and still loved ryo because that’s what people do with those they care about !! and i think it just breaks my heart that ryo couldn’t accept the baton until after it was too late.
oh yeah and this is possibly my favorite development and new thought after my rewatch. um. so yknow how ryo doesn’t have any memories of being satan at first. i think that maybe this means that he could possibly not remember other things too. this might be a bit of a stretch but i feel like the point of being a demon or being trapped in hell is to yknow ,, BE IN HELL sooo ,, where i’m going with this is that i think that ryos hell and punishment from god is to be thrown into different variations of earth with different variations of humans and in all of them he finds akira and falls in love with him and only knows it until it’s too late. and THATS why akira/all the akira variants can tell him that he IS in fact crying, because they know with their magic empathy abilities that he DOES love them more than anything. i might be off but i love to torture myself <3 but like ?? it sorta makes sense especially with god rebuilding the world after ryo destroyed it. like what happens to ryo ?? where does he go ?? back to hell ?? back to earth ?? i personally like my little theory
i have never read the bible fully but i wanted to mention how i think it’s so interesting how all the religious imagery is like ?? flipped if that makes sense ?? like the imagery of akira vs ryo makes it seem the opposite of how it should be. and i wonder if this also applies to other scenes with more obscure imagery or references like the miko donkey scene ?? idk but i might look into it more. i think they did this because it’s supposed to show how nothing is ever truly black or white with humanity. emotions and love and sadness and just people in general are all so multifaceted and can’t really be explained with any exact science. by switching up seemingly obvious imagery and confusing the viewers a bit i think they show how everything is just on a huge greyscale
okay i think that’s it for now but i WILL update this if i have another thought
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inosukeslefttoe · 2 years
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it doesn’t matter how much you love somebody sometimes things just. don’t work. if all parties of the relationship aren’t willing to put in the work and effort you just have to let go.
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inosukeslefttoe · 2 years
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[mag 193]
“his legs bristle up with shivered gooseflesh stained with red that’s not his blood... yet he knows he loved this blood when once it beat within a heart that joined to his... but now it stains his weeping edges scarlet gloating now of all the butchered ugly fates that might have already befallen”
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inosukeslefttoe · 2 years
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HI !!! so i just rewatched A Silent Voice for the first time in YEARS since i refer to it consistently as my fav movie ... so i thought it deserves another watch yknow !! i watched it w my partner and THEY DIDNT LIKE IT !!! THEY DIDNT DISLIKE IT BUT THEY WERE LIKE  “it... was so long...” like OUCH... and honestly i can see why she wasnt obsessed with it... BUT BUT BUT... it made me think about how much the movie still means to me and how much it helped me the first time i watched it years ago :) (((btw,,, im still totally calling it my fav movie, im just now able to see both sides of opinions of it yknow)))
so i watched this film when i was like... m e g a  s a d.... like depression/anxiety was at an (almost) all time high for me which is saying something. what was so bad about this particular bout of the Big Sad is that i had NO FUCKING CLUE what depression even Was at that point bc i was so young and didnt rlly get that stuff quite yet yknow? i just knew i wanted to be unalive and couldnt stand living and having to look people in the face every day... so seeing this movie about this antihero going through the same feelings as me was SO FUCKIN RADICAL !!! like yeah i never bullied a deaf girl but i still hated myself so damn much and felt like i was the scum of the earth !! i hardcore projected onto this man and felt like he was just like me. 
and the lil crosses over everyones faces was like... to me it felt like how i was terrified to see the world because it meant Being Seen by the world. i always walked with my head down and could never meet anyones eyes bc i feared theyd see me for who i rlly was, and in my head, that was a monster. i didnt think i deserved to walk among them. so when at the end of the movie when all those crosses fell off ppls faces and our boy saw the world for the FIRST FUCKIN TIME,,, DAMN MY FEELINGS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE
it kinda made me see that like... hey this piece of garbage human guy actually was able to turn his life around and become a good person and someone who is able to be loved by people and Seen by them but not in the scary way he thought before. it was just sort of weirdly comforting to see that someone really can change their ways in a completely unselfish way and become a better person and be someone deserving of happiness. 
just overall,,, i think this film is absolutely beautiful and does a rlly good job of like ?? showing how even closeminded ppl afraid of change can genuinely change their ways and better themselves i guess. i think also that since ishida was a little asshole kid when he was a “bad person” sorta shows that he was just projecting his insecurities and fear of being alone and struggles with severe social anxiety onto the person weaker than him which just shows how despicable bullies rlly are. but it also shows that ppl who go through that process of putting others down to feel better about themselves can have a pretty solid redemption arc once they learn to love themselves. 
but on the other hand i TOTALLY get why some ppl hate ishida and think the movie is an overhyped waste of 2 hours of their lives bc i mean... bullies - especially ones like ishida - are BRUTAL and some seriously dont deserve those redemption arcs. i just think i accepted his bc of how desperate he was to actually change and be better in an unselfish way rather than just for ppl to see him better i think. 
(((honestly tho,,, one reason why its still one of my favs is bc the art is just so incredibly sexy and i cannot get over that... also im an absolute whore for any soundtrack by kensuke ushio honestly lol... but shhh dont tell anyone)))
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inosukeslefttoe · 2 years
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HEY FELLAS ... so I just now realized that I still have like ... two full analyses on milgram characters that I never posted in my Google docs lol ... SO IM GONNA DO THAT AT SOME POINT ... and prolly just make another post roughly outlining my theories on the other characters that I didn’t go in depth on :)
I also ... have a new obsession ... AND I RLLY NEED MORE FRIENDS TO TALK ABOUT IT W BC HOLY SHIT!!!! It’s called the Magnus Archives and it’s a horror podcast and it’s absolutely fan-fucking-tasting .... BUT YEAH I might like ... scream about my fav episodes if I can find the words to articulate my feelings for them ... or I might just share the links to my Spotify playlists about them lol :)
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inosukeslefttoe · 2 years
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HI THIS IS JUST A LITTLE LIFE UPDATE FROM URS TRULY B)
So I didn’t realize I was in a depressive episode until very recently ... and I didn’t rlly know how to get out of it. I started college this semester and I was planning on pursuing nursing/health sciences and I was taking all these hard classes and putting all these crazy expectations on myself. And while yeah, I’m going great grade-wise in those classes and getting a good grasp on the info and I’ve even been praised by my prof for being top of the class with a full schedule of other hard ass classes ,, I HAVE BEEN FUCKING MISERABLE. LIKE. GODDAMN. I haven’t even had an art class in my schedule and I didn’t really know how much that would hurt until I got to this point.
Every time I would think about my future I’d have a panic attack or cry. I would just be filled with dread about having to do this for the rest of my life and while yeah itd get easier, I just ... hated the thought of doing nursing or sciences for a living. But I was like “well ig I’ll be making good money ... and hey it probably won’t matter because I’ll probably just kill myself before it gets too serious anyways”
And that’s when I realized that this is very wrong. Because I DONT WANT TO KILL MYSELF !!! I WANNA BE ALIVE !!! I WANNA LIVE AND DO ART AND MEET PEOPLE AND MAKE A DIFFERENT IN THEIR LIVES!!!! I WANNA SMILE AND WALK MY DOG AND EAT THE FOOD I LIKE AND SIT OUT IN THE RAIN !!!! I DONT CARE IF IM BROKE OR SUCK AT ART OR WHATEVER BC I WOULD MUCH RATHER DO THAT THAN A DECADE+ OF FUCKING MEDICAL SCHOOL !!! Dude ... I really really wanna be alive and spend the short amount of years that I have doing something I love ...
SO I GOT A MAJOR CHANGE BABYEEEE !!!! So far I’ve only switched from an associate of science to an associate of arts ,, but I really don’t mind spending a while looking through all the specific art majors because they DOMT fill me with dread and they actually fill me with excitement and I didn’t really think I could find that before now :) and I’m really proud of myself and just wanted to share
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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WHATS UP SHAWTIES YA GIRL IS BACK TO RAMBLING ABOUT RANDOM ANIME SHIT B) sadly its not about danganronpa this time even though i DID start playing it again recently :D I rlly had to take a break after trial 2 of v2 bc ... holy shit that hurt so much i dont even wanna think about it bc i WILL cry... and then trail 3 just seemed so ?? lackluster?? and it hardly made sense to me ?? so now im just feeling a little eh towards it atm but i am excited for whenever i get to the next trail :)
ANYWAYS... my lovely friend got me into MILGRAM or the Milgram Project on youtube and god DAMN that shit is bussin !!! i wanna make posts about my thoughts on each character but i actually might make a google doc of them first so i can frequently add onto my thoughts and shit and get things organized as my research continues you feel? i have zero coherent thought trains happening its just ... a big mess of noise and excitement right now.. BUT i would just like to say that so far my fav characters are mahiru, mu and haruka bc they just... *chef kiss* hit different B) maybe bc theyre mentally ill lmao B) 
YEAH BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS SO COOL AND i strongly believe that each of these characters is innocent bc yknow... literally the name of the whole project should give that away first read right ?? like sure the ones who see themselves as guilty are gonna seem more guilty ,, and sure the sweet cute characters are gonna get voted innocent more often bc theyre more likable,,, but bitch all these mfs are innocent no matter how much i dont like them and i will live by that. 
im just super excited to get more into this and ive been following tags on here and instagram and joining servers in discord so i can read everyone elses thoughts and get access to translated stuff for my small brain to understand ,, and just seeing all the different perspectives on things :D but yeah if ur into this milgram shit and know good accounts to follow/would like me to view ur blog and thoughts on it PLS hmu 
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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This ain’t about anything specific (don’t mind the picture) I would just like to shout out my friend who had my back the other day in a weird sort of way that I didn’t know I needed 😎
I’m one of those chicks who is smaller than average and goes for that sunshine and sugary sweet sort of vibe,, and yeah I like that persona bc it makes ppl happy and it usually makes ME happy too, but also ..,,, I always feel like my “niceness” and “sweetness” and “cuteness” is like ... all there is to me to my peers. I can’t be funny or make dirty jokes or tease people or say curse words because then that breaks the small sweet mom-friend role that I’ve been given and makes me seem weird to my friends. I mean sometimes I do shit like that and it gets laughs based on shock value,, but most of the time I just get weird stares and comments about how that’s “not like me” and it sorta sucks. Not in a big way or anything to complain about it just feels a little invalidating that people think they know me better than I know myself and get to tell me what is and isnt like me or what I’m capable of doing.
And I actually have a few other friends who I think are in similar situations as me !! They’re these adorable tiny girls who have the biggest hearts and are full of love , but obviously I’ve known them long enough to see other sides of them and know that they’re yknow ,, multifaceted human beings with so much more to them than being the tiny sunshine friend of their friend groups.
I was hanging out w one of said friends the other day along with our other mutual friend,, when I mentioned that devilman crybaby is one of my all time favorite shows ever ,,, and our friend is like “what ?? I wouldn’t think that you’d watch that kind of show its so .... explicit for you .... even I didn’t like it” and MY OTHER FRIEND OVER HERE IS LIKE “dude she literally plays Danganronpa to de-stress and make her feel happy... of COURSE she would watch the shit out of devilman” AND FOR SOME REASON THAT MADE ME FEEL SO VALID LIKE HELL YEAH SHE DOESNT THINK IM WEIRD OR OOC FOR SOME OF THE SHIT I GENUINELY ENJOY BUT SOMETIMES FEEL AWKWARD SHARING WITH OTHERS BC OF THE WEIRD REACTIONS I GET !! But yeah it was really nice and I guess I didn’t notice that it was something that bothered me until I experienced the opposite yknow? I didn’t mean to write paragraphs lol I need to go get some sleep but it was just a nice moment and I would literally die for the friend that had my back there and just :)) happy vibes over in inosukeslefttoe-world :))
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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OKAY OKAY SO,,, its late and i should either be sleeping or finishing my friends birthday gift… BUT ,,, i watched the first ep of To Your Eternity today and my GOD it was… oh lord i already know this is going to be on my top list immediately. and i watched it in the middle of class like an idiot and didnt even have time to properly cry so now its nightime and im aggressively typing about it on tumblr like a responsible adult B) so obviously,, EP ONE OF TO YOUR ETERNITY SPOILERS !!! ,, okay first of all i gotta do the mandatory HOLY SHIT THIS ART IS SO PRETTY AND ADDS EVEN MORE EMOTION DEAR GOD ITS SO GORGEOUS AND HEART WRENCHING DKHGKGN but tbh i wasnt even focused on the art for this one i was just so wrapped up in the story. but the first ep introduces the orb that came to earth and took the form of a rock. it gained experience through this and saw a wolf die and then became the wolf. throughout the first episode the orb was a wolf which was pretty rad !! and the wolf happened to belong to an unnamed boy living in the snow,.. and oh my god idk what it is about stories about lonliness but… THAT SHIT HIT DIFFERENT YKNOW ?? the boys whole family was uh… in some sort of village far away… and he wanted to hike with his dog, joann, to go find them. they followed paths created by the ppl before them only to find the village…. completely destoryed and abandoned in the snow… . and of course our lil boy breaks down and then heads back home with joann where he uh,,, dies shorlty after… and then the orb takes on his form !! good gracious… i didnt think i could get so attached to a character so quickly but i am shaking and on the verge of tears thinking about him. he showed joann drawings of his family and was like “u better not forget !!” while then making a joke about how it was really himself that he didnt want to forget… and this was the first time we saw that bit of vulnerable desperation that this poor boy was trying to hide. it came out more along his journey with joann. he ran into to several hardships and even passed out several times and sustained many injuries yet he always picked himself back up with a smile. He also chatted with joann throughout the episode in what i assumed to the precious bond between man and dog but. he was alsways smiling and always looking at the bright side. even upon finding the villages remains, he claimed to be happy that people were there at some point… but then he broke. AND I ALMOST DID TOO. he cried and yelled and realized just how alone he was in the world. his life was meaningless and all he had was himself and his wolf who he couldnt even talk to. his family was gone and so was all hope of finding another better life and now he was stranded with nowhere to go. luckily him and joann were able to make it back to his original house but the damage had been done. he barely smiled and he only halfheartedly talked to joann. in his final moments he dragged himself out of bed and sat in his chair claiming that itd be embarassing for his family to come home and find him pathetically curled up in bed… so he wanted to look his best…BESTIE…I COULD NOT TAKE THAT…. i dunno if it was just the extreme isolation of that or if it was because of his denial of reality or just the bizarre concept and emotional music and art but.. idk dude smthn hasnt hit that hard in a while and i am absolutely obsessed. there was just something so heartbreaking about watching this happy energetic lovely boy slowly deteriorate into acceptance of the life he knew he was doomed to live… and knowing theres no hope for him since the beginning… and like ?? his dog wasnt even actually his dog bro ?? just another sentient force watching his detioration like the rest of us. i feel like i couldnt really articulate my feelings towards this as well as i wanted since i feel rushed and tired but i hope i still got smthn across :D OMG ALSO .. WHEN HE DIED THERE WAS A SCENE OF HIM REUNITING WITH HIS FAMILY AND BEING SO GENUINELY EXCITED AND HAPPY LIKE HOW HE WAS WHEN HE FIRST SAW JOANN AGAIN AFTER A FEW MONTHS AND HE WAS JUST SO FILLED WITH LOVE AND HOPE AND HE RAN INTO THEIR ARMS AND GHKDGDNG he is too good for this world and i adore him so much and just wish he couldve lived the happy and lovely life he deserved… in conclusion… if u throw me an anime character filled with love and hope and then u take that away from them and they fight and fight for it but are eventually broken…( or vice versa )… you will literally have ALL OF MY TEARS AND ALL OF MY MONEY… UPDATE: APPARENTLY THE ORB PUT THE BOY SITTING UP BACK IN HIS CHAIR BEFORE HE LEFT AND I JUST NCBDJFJD ITS TOO MUCH IM GONE
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??
but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.
so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 
oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 
god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE
next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.
okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 
so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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okay okay SO i have ...sort of figured out this kinning thing !!! it took me a second lmao bc for the longest time i felt like i was vain for comparing myself to anime characters bc theyre always so cool and i dont feel nearly as epic as them hehe BUT !! now i think i understand it better !!
so like... before i even knew what kinning was,, i hardcore related to this lovely little zenitsu man right!! and its like !! i think hes an annoying little shit and a crybaby and overemotional but like... in the most endearing way ever yknow?? hes just an average boy who expresses himself very strongly and a lot of the times through crying but its so lovely of him to do that and i couldnt help but adore him !!! ESPECIALLY when he went on that monologue about self hatred and i was like ... holy shit man i feel you i totally know what ur goin through... and i immediately recognized him as so much stronger for having to not only battle those feelings but have the guts to be so open about all those feelings bc thats such a hard thin to do especially when a lot of the times feelings are seen as weaknesses,,, but NO !! this little lad is actively confronting those feelings even though he has to cry and run from them sometimes (which is completely normal and human btw !!) and i just started admiring the shit out of zenitsu.and recognized him as an extremely strong and lovely person. 
AND THEN !! i realized that i have those same struggles and confront them as well even if i dont do well sometimes... and i also express through crying a lot !! but it rlly helped me to see this character struggling with the same things i do and sometimes even backtrack on those negative feelings.. but he never gives up and keeps trying and fighting and hes such a badass too !! like hes got a whole kickass sword and lightning and shit !!! and i just vibe with him so much !! and then i realized that all the shit i beat myself up for like being a crybaby or overemotional or clingy or annoying as hell is all stuff that i can still adore about zenitsu so... it should be something i should at least accept about myself yknow ?? lol idk im probably oversharing but im just so excited about finally figuring out the kinning thing and resonating so strongly with such a cool character !!
i was inspired to write this after finding a new comfort anime that i seriously vibe with in the same way i vibe with zenitsu sort of ?? hehe i might write a post about it sometime ... but so far zenitsu is the only character ive connected with like this so my “”kinlist”” as the youngsters call it consists of only him so far B) OH OH but i do somewhat resonate with toko fukawa from danganronpa too lmao... i did complete all of her free time events but i didnt pursue her in the school life mode (bc my heart belongs to a certain hunky himbo that u will know if u have read my other posts lol) but im thinking about watching vids of all the trip ticket interactions n ending n stuff to get a better understanding of her bc i just !! sorta really think i might connect with her on that level !!! i also think shes hella cute lmaooo BUT ANYWAYS... might update this if i decide to add her to my kinlist teehee 
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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OKAY SO MY FRIEND SENT ME THIS TIKTOK THAT OFFERED A DIFF PERSPECTIVE ON THEIR FIGHT AND NOW I AM EVEN MORE EMO...
so another problem here aside from the huge gap in their skills now and rekis insecurity and that whole shebang... is that now they both want different things out of skateboarding... as i said before, rekis whole thing is that he loves skateboarding as a hobby and something that brings him joy that hes super passionate about right? its fun and its energizing and hes good at it and he gets to do it with friends !! plus yknow he works at a skateboarding place and makes skateboards for fun so you know hes super into every aspect of his craft and its something that he genuinely just loves every part of.
however, for langa , its becoming more about competition and being the best. sure, he loves it and thinks its fun and holds some of the same values as reki, but as he starts to learn things on his own he wants to go beyond just doing it for fun and bc its something he likes,, but bc its something he knows hes hella good at that he could possibly become the best at. that is his goal rather than just enjoyment. 
and i think part of why reki said that he and langa arent a good match anymore isnt bc he was just being dramatic and emotional but bc he sees that they both want completely different things from skateboarding now. he knows that he himself is not the kind of person to be that competitive and risky and go up against scary people like adam who clearly take things way too far and do dangerous stunts just to show off and prove theyre superior. but now reki is starting to see that those kind of things are what excites langa and thats the kind of thing that langa wants. and thats just... a major problem for their friendship since a lot of it was built on skating and specifically rekis enjoyment of it,, like that was a huge part of their dynamic.. but now that langa wants something different... that dynamic is gonna change.
and like in any relationship, when you realize that you and your partner want completely different things.... you have to let go. AND NOW IM SCARED THAT THEY WONT MAKE UP BC LIKE.. IF THATS WHATS GOIN ON HERE... THEN YEAH THINGS MIGHT NOT WORK OUT SINCE THEY HAVE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WANTS AND NEEDS THAT CANT BE MET BY EACH OTHER ANYMORE SO... HHHH I MIGHT JUST CRY BRO I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT THEY MIGHT BREAK UP FR... bc both their wants and needs are hella important and not something they should sacrifice for each other.. and sure they can still be friends with such different values but... i dont think it could be the same as it was before reki realized this...
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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hey uh... i just watched episode 7 bro and i have some emotions that i would like to let out... 
i know its just a skateboarding anime about friendship right but... the feeling of being left behind ?? and having everyone surpass you and be able to be just fine while youre left in the dust?? just. stuck. and with no one. homie that hits different. what makes it hurt more is that reki is the most energetic loving kind passionate and goofy kid so it hurt so bad to see him feeling so helpless in this episode. skating has been his passion for like?? ever right?? and hes so driven and so happy and hella talented and everything just got better when he got a cool ass partner to experience it all with !! bc nothing is better than having someone whos just as passionate as you, who you also admire, to share your passion with !! its such an amazing feeling to be surrounded by those of your level or even just people who love the same stuff you do. but like... for them to suddenly be so much better at it than you and just leave you behind? sure theyre your friend and you love seeing them so successful but... at some point this became a journey that reki and langa were on /together/ yknow?? reki introduced langa to skating and he trained him and watched his love for it grow but it was always something theyd done together. they got to grow and win and bond together and suddenly skateboarding was something more than just a passion and a sport. it was something holding reki and langa together but only as long as they were on the same level...
but suddenly langa surpassed reki so quickly and didnt need him anymore. he was better than him at everything and didnt even have to try whereas reki worked his ass off at every trick he learned and every technique he practiced. so not only was reki pissed that langa barely had to work for his success, but he was pissed bc his best friend no longer had a use for him and he suddenly felt inferior and no longer needed... AND HOMIE THAT HURTS A BIT... 
theres also a clear lack of communication btwn them prolly bc reki yknow realizes that his own personality is this super cute hyper puppy like thing and thats how everyone sees him and how he charms ppl right ?? it makes him super lovable !! but at this moment in time hes not only struggling w hiding his frustration like a normal person ,, but also struggling w feeling inferior,, and letting go of his upbeat sunshine personality would just make people like him less in his mind... so he further suppresses (? spelling??) those negative feelings for as long as he can even tho its hurting him more,. until he just explodes.. and he is unable to articulate his feelings to langa which just makes the whole thing worse and it just... really hurts my poor hear yknow  :,) bc this is exactly how something so beautiful btwn ppl can end...
and i dont think its gonna end bc langa clearly loves reki way too much to let him dump him that easily yknow !! reki seems stubborn so im not sure if he will be able to make the first move but i rlly believe that they can work through this.. 
(if they dont i will die on the spot bro like. no cap.) LOL ALL MY POSTS ARE SO MESSY AND REPETITIVE AND THE TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS LOST ALL OVER THE PLACE BUT,, I HOPE SOMEONE ENJOYS SEEING THIS
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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am i PMSing or am i just experiencing genuine emotion that i havent been able to feel in months due to extreme depression caused most likely by a codependent and toxic relationship?? 
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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Lol I’m watching the game grumps play trigger happy havoc and ,,, I just realized this ,,,, (I never talked to hiro while I was playing oops)) LIKE YO THATS KINDA FUNNY HOW THEY FORESHADOWED THE BAD ENDING AND WERE LIKE LMAO SMALL CHANCE THIS MIGHT HAPPEN HOMIE 🤩🤩 ... I totally would not have caught that if I got that dialogue myself, but now that I’ve finished the game ((GIRL I WAS SO CLOSE TO GETTING THE BAD ENDING BUT I DIDNT)) it makes sense and I just think it’s kinda clever ... also kinda wanting to replay the game now but I’ve already started goodbye despair oops
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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g-guhh... i watched this movie the other weekend and i wanted to rewatch it again before posting anything but like.. homie i honestly dont think my heart can take that lol
so from the aspect of like,, the amount of buildup and quality of the development of relationships and characters and just overall emotional-ness of the movie compared to the anime, clearly the anime is superior... HOWEVER.... this one decided to completely bypass the part of my heart dedicated for anime feelings and just jab right into the part that made me feel genuine heartbreak. so like,, i might be projecting my own feelings n experiences onto this a bit too much but i just gotta talk about it hehe
obviously ugetsu and akihiko had some super mixed up feelings towards each other that made their relationship super toxic and i just wanna talk about the complexity of those feelings and why i think they felt how they did. 
so i think that one of the biggest reasons they stayed together in their on and off sort of thing was because they were each others first loves. i believe akihiko mentioned that he moved in with ugetsu before he got the chance to live alone or smthn like that,, and they basically started their adult lives knowing nothing but each other. they were still developing as ppl and finding their own way as adults,, but before they were allowed to fully mature, they fell in love and fell into this almost codependent relationship where it was hard to imagine themselves without each other bc at this point,, all they knew was each other. 
another reason they fell in love was because of their shared passion for music and for the violin specifically !! but i also think that this is one of the major things that caused their downfall. i think that they ended up putting too much of their relationship onto that shared passion so it was no longer like,, something individual to each of them,, it was no longer about their individual passion for their craft but something that was holding together their relationship. and sure, having something so strong connecting two people can be wonderful, but it can also be harmful if it takes something so personal and unique to each person and is suddenly forcing it to be glue holding them to each other that leaves little room for their own expression if that makes sense.
 i think this shared love of music was also causing akihiko to feel like he was living in ugetsus shadow. and honestly, when u have a partner who is just so perfect at everything they do and u cant seem to catch up to them, it becomes rlly exhausting. akihiko didnt want his partner to see him as lesser or to pity him or act condescendingly seeing him struggle to catch up to his own talents so i think that could be part of what drove akihiko away from the violin. aside from this,, i think that since akihiko fell in love with ugestu due to his epic violin skills, he started associating the violin super strongly to ugetsu and no longer felt like it was an extension of himself,, but just something to relate to his partner who he also felt was far superior to him in this subject. as long as ugetsu was in his life, the violin would only ever remind akihiko of his partner and it could never be regained as something personal and expressive of himself. 
uhhh i think thats all i wanna talk about for rn regarding why their relationship got so messed up but like,,, i would also like to be emo about ugetsu for a second lmao
i just... when he was talking to mafuyu about how he was just sitting there waiting for akihiko to come home... how it seemed like he was talking less about their apartment and more like himself... UGH IM GONNA CRY BRO THAT FEELING WHEN U THINK SOMEONE IS UR HOME AND U THINK UR THEIRS BUT UR BOTH JUST MESSED UP AND TRAPPED IN A BROKEN HOME.... and also how he was clearly not having any of his needs satisfied by akihiko and would yknow have sex w other ppl and stuff but still go back to akihiko and it was clear that nothing rlly meant anything to ugetsu without him... god my feelings pls... HHH AND THE SCENE WHERE AKIHIKO WALKED AWAY FOR GOOD.... FUCK DUDE IM GONNA CRY THINKING ABOUT IT... it just hurt so bad to see that akihiko had matured and was so easily letting go of ugetsu for the final time and yeah that was fuckin awesome for him and im rlly happy he had the strength and development to do that... BUT... u can tell that ugetsu didnt have that maturity... and u could just see the panic and heartbreak and just overwhelming emotions that he was seeing like dude i could fucking hear every voice in ugetsus head just screaming at akihiko to come back to him and hold him one more time ... but he couldnt say anything. he looked so lost. he hadnt known anything aside from akihiko ,, and his passion for music was still strongly connected to their love so i imagine that at this point he genuinely felt that he had nothing. not even himself. the entire person that he built himself up to be was always leaning on akihiko since theyd grown so much together and akihiko had always been something constant in his life to where things didnt mean much without him. and suddenly he was just,, gone. and he took every part of ugetsu with him. at this point im probably projecting more than analyzing, but  this was just my take on their feelings and that specific scene. it was very very good that the two cut contact and are working to better themselves, and i know that they both knew that, but their whole situation was just. so fucking heartbreaking. and something extremely hard to do in that sort of codependent toxic relationship...
OKAY THAT WILL BE ALL BEFORE I CRY LOL BUT I HOPE IT MADE SENSE !!
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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years
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Lmao u didn’t have to go and make me almost cry like this 😔
Fr tho like yeah it sucked for the ppl that killed or got killed and also for everyone who made it through to the end who had to see their buddies all dying ,, but it was SO much easier for ppl like byakuya or toko who didn’t rlly bond with anyone so strongly (I mean toko did have that thing for byakuya lmao but I think it was a lil different than a friendship) so it didn’t really have any effect on them watching everyone die and they were able to make it through towards the end.
However ,, for those like taka, mondo, hina and Sakura ,,, like damn homie we saw what happened to taka and I honestly think that his reaction to mondos death was sadder than the death itself. He loved his bro so much that seeing him go through that trial and not only die but yknow be the killer,, that he completely broke and couldn’t even function normally until he himself was killed. And then with sakura and Hina ,, the way that sakura sacrificed herself to save the lives of her friends ... THAT SHIT WAS SO SAD SHE LITERALLY GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR THEM BC SHE BELIEVED IN THEM AND LOVED THEM LIKE GOD DUDE it breaks my heart.... and not to mention the time hina almost killed herself and all of us after sakuras death ...
That’s also a huge part of what rlly makes it the “ultimate despair” too yknow like it’s already SUPER SAD that these ppl that are supposed to be the worlds last hope - that are also literal children - had to get all locked up together and forced to start killing each other to try and escape into a world that doesn’t even exist anymore ,, but then to add that part where the ppl they’ve been killing and having to watch die are their friends ... damn...
RANDOM DANGANRONPA THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
so lately i was thinking about the tragic part of danganronpa. you know, we can joke around and ship whatever our cursed souls wants, but still, this game is so damn sad. and at this point i’m not talking about death. more like about the emotions behind all of these. actually i think that after all, being killed isn’t the worst thing that you can experience with monokuma.
and right now you may ask me — damn girl, what can be worse than a death? don’t get me wrong, but after you get killed you are just... dying. no emotions, no thoughts. and now let me show you this scenario:
you are one of the (un)lucky students. killing game starts and you are completely lost. despite this, somehow you manage to make a friend. times passes and you two are getting closer. you trust them and they trust you. you realize that you have caught feelings for them. it doesn’t have to be romantic love. it might be the way you feel for your friend or part of a family.
and now imagine that one morning you find their dead body. or worse. in class trial it turns out that they are killer and then you have to watch their brutally execution.
also scenario where you killed somone because of your weak moment or self defense. when truth comes out, before your own execution, you have to see the disappointment and pain in their eyes. yikes.
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god, this text is sO LONG AAAAH
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