#feel so paranoid and like. i cant be psychotic here

[catboybashirs]

stop making posts that r supposed to be educating non-psychotics abt psychosis while throwing people w/ delusions you dont understand/experience under the bus thanks

#.txt #.doctor speaks #specifically identity and fiction-related delusions #yes i experience intense paranoid delusions. some of my most load-bearing ones are related to being A Character #“but jules!!! mostpeople are faking like all th-” shhh. shut the fuck upm #i dont care if someones faking. id rather i show support to 1 faker than deny that support to 100 actually psychotic people actually #idk. idk. im tired of being an Ambassador Of Psychotic People irl to nonpsychotics but i guess ill do it on here too #since some of yall just looove spreading bullshit abt an already marginalized group of people #being mentally ill feels like being in the fucking crab bucket sometimes STOP KICKING OTHERS TO GET OUT!!!!! #.rant #.vent #cant rememver which i use so. both!

[cannibal-nightmares]

it's moments like these the crash-landing feels perpetual--all-consuming like it's all there's ever had been--and, in a way, it is. surviving this is all a matter of masking and navigating and bargaining and compromise. episodes feel like losses. a subconscious questioning of "if i've made it through all those other days, why can't i do it now all of a sudden?"

block under the cut for vague and not vague paranoid babbling

that noise is goign to kill me for saying any of this but who cares, im a dead man walking whether I say it out loud or not. it always feels like im ying to myself pressing against it. but isnt it right? why is it so fucking loud? there has to be a reason its so adamant. "its the illness." "its real" "it sthe illness" it blurs together. i know thats the whole issue. i cant afford to listen to either side. either side will hurt me, either side will punish me.

my friend asked why i dont skip work when i dont feel well without understanding that i would then never go to work. and dont get it twisted: im one of the top employees in performance. a schizo. a psychotic, crazy, terrified schizo. id skip work today--thats how on fire my nerves are--but i cant afford to. i have to keep my head down and hope they dont pry me open, today especially. i am tired of holding back my angred fear of people. ive started being more upfront w questions, some in the forms of jokes, like my co-worker who gave me a cookie and i said "if this is laced, im going to kick your ass," like when my colleague who mentioned singing in the company cars and i said i dont [because im scared of cameras.] or whatever.

im struggling. I'll admit. it's snowballing. It's a nose-dive death spiral. that clacking overspeed sound. redlining. and i have so much to do. so much to do at what cost? immovable things. i'm moving again? What the fuck. Who made that decision? I guess it was me. I don't remember. alexa, play "the actor" by everything everything. i feel fucking crazy that all of this gets magnified and exacerbated by ptsd/the weather. how stupid is that. how cruel is that? i want to cancel my plans. i cant. i should. i cant. i can't. it won't let me. i also know a more-sane me would be heartbroken. idk whats going to happen between now and late june. I see the dial trembling at its peak. im dead if i do, im dead if I dont. "to join the new river?" that's all it is.

and i have to repeat myself here: this shit isn't new. im just trying to be vulnerable. whatever that means. a glimpse inward. here it is while it's hot. perpetuity. dont you dare pity me. ive got more swords than you could ever begin to imagine, ive just only got two hands. i dont mind being stability for people--i like that i am--but this is whats behind that. with great reason comes unfathomable absurdity. contrast.

#cannibal-nightmares is psychotic #actually schizophrenic #actually schizospec #actually psychotic #cannibal-nightmares rambles

[histriothing]

um hi. ik there're a good handful of posts here tht are js ppl asking for help with symptoms they experience and whether it lines up w schizophrenia. weve been trying to figure out whether we have it or not lately. which ik strangers online cant exactly know for sure but i at least want to know whether we r on the right track.

we know for sure we experience psychosis (delusions, namely) and negative symptoms, esp avolition and asociality. others in the system thought we had szpd since they dont think we have [constant/intense] enough psychosis.

i dont rmember when we started experiencing psychosis. teen years i think. weve always been a bit paranoid. trauma didnt help w that lol. anyway. around a year n a half ago our delusions started to get a lot more noticeable and wed have to actively try to double book keep. talked to our psych about some of them and he gave us antipsychotics. we never took them. since we felt we could cope without them fine at the moment and we just didnt want to deal w potential side effects. we alr take so many pills it jst didnt seem worth it. we still have them in case it ever gets to a point where we think well need them tho.

where was i. u,m. right. we just dont know because we dont seem to have episodes the way ppl seem to describe them. we kind of have delusions that never rlly go away n just vary in intensity/noticeability at times. i lost it again. right. sometimes well have delusions that will pop in and never pop back up. or that go away and come back. most of the 'permanent' delusions tend to be identity/species based ones. i also get a lot in connection to parasites. i think i hallucinate more than the others too. at least. i have lots of times where it feels like bugs are crawling on/under/into my skin. ill also hear things. never anything big. if its voices then theyre never distinguishable. these hallucinations kinda come and go. i think. i dont remember. its hard to remember. i think thats all i can say for hallucinations. its difficult. to gauge. i dont know how im supposed to figure it out. i guess i could just talk to a medical professional. i stopped going to therapy early this year bcz it just felt like it wasnt helping. and i havent seen a psychiatrist since late last year. anyway.

i mentioned we have negative symptoms. theyre difficult to deal with. weve also been told we have flat affect. but idk how much that matters to mention here since our other disorders can cause relatively flat affect too. i dont remember the other negative symptoms. i know theres ones i didnt mention. but yea. i dont know if we have disorganized thinking. i dont think its common for us to experience it. but i know we do at times. i think one we tend to do is thought blocking. dont know about the others.

but if anyone has any, advice? i dont know if advice is the right word here. just. if anyone out there is able to lmk if these sound like they might be schizophrenia id appreciate it. or if we might just be psychotic in some other form. ik no one here can diagnose me. id just like some help. im just unsure whether we would have it bcz our symptoms seem really mild compared to what ive seen everyone say in these tags and such. thanks

#schizophrenia #schizo spectrum #schizospec #psychosis #schizoaffective #actually schizophrenic #actually schizospec #actually schizoaffective

[zarovich]

im tired of living in constant fear...

#personal #no one seems to take my anxiety seriously.... like professionals #they all seem to brush me off #jm legit so afraid i just want to kill myself #i feel like im gonna have a psychotic episode tonight... i hear voices and loud noises in my head #like theres this loud siren in my head rn and it wont stop blasting #im scared bc i tend to relapse when i have psychotic episodes #ive even blacked out and do things i dont remember #i feel like somethibt bad is gonna happen...i cant breathe #everyone thinks im just paranoid but everytime i get this feeling.. somethint happens.... #im tired of living like this... i dont want to live like this.... #i dont think ive ever truly felt safe and happy in my life #i always live in fear thinking the worst of ppl that everyone js out to get me #even the ones closest to me i feel like theyre hiding things from me and have underlying motives... like they want somethibt from me #i have nothint to offer tho... im not rich or talented or special or attractive im just... me. average #there is absolutely nothing special about me #i just want to sleep and never wake up... i dont want to be in fear anymore #but i have no way out of here... i dont think ill qualify for disability #bc theyll prob say im able to work but i legit am afraid to leave the house again... #everyone is watching me.... my life is being broadcasted live rn to so many ppl... #im a laughing stock... i bet they dont even cheer for me they want me to give up.... #is my meds causing this?? i thiught they were suppised to help with my psychosis.... #can latuda cause this?? im so confused.... ive been having constant panic attacks since starting it... #the only time i dont panic is when i fall asleep and sometimes i still have panic attacks in my sleep.... #im jusy so tired of this... i want it to end

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

Hi. I recently realized that I might have ppd or at least some type of paranoia? I dont want to tell my therapist or family because I'm scared they wont believe me. And honestly, I dont want to be diagnosed either. I feel like everyone will treat me differently if they knew. My family is caring but they can be VERY ableist becuase they aren't educated. Since I have no where else, I thought I would come here and ask if my symptoms sound like ppd? (Tw: I talk abt intrusive thoughts and paranoid episodes)

-I sometimes feel like people dont like me even though they've never done anything to show that. I thought it was anxiety at first, but it's not... worry?? It's more like, my brain is 100% convinced someone said something a certain way or did a certain thing on purpose becuase they do not like me.

-I have NEVER been able to comfortably vent and couldn't figure out why until now. Even on the few occasions I do, I always stay very vague and dont tell the whole story.

-I hold very long grudges. This is something that I do so often that people around me have actually noticed. It makes me feel like I'm being childish and unreasonable, but I dont understand how I'm supposed to just forgive people who hurt me? It's so hard.

-I dont like admitting it, but always feel like I'm right about things and have a REALLY hard time seeing from other people's perspectives if I cant relate to it.

-I sometimes get very brief, but intense spikes of jealousy. Like if a family member gets a new partner or my friend talks to their new friend, I dont want to be forgotten. I usually just end up avoiding them until I get over it.

-I have intrusive thoughts daily. (typically about bad things happening to me) They happen more often if I'm in a place that stresses me out.

-I think I've had an "episode" before? I was alone in my house for around seven days because my family was on vacation, and I was terrified of someone hiding in my closet. I checked it so many times everyday and nothing was there. I KNEW no one was there but nothing i did made me less scared. Even now, after I've moved, I still feel like something actually was there.

Thank you if you respond. Please have a nice day! - ❤

I understand that fear! It's okay if you don't want to be diagnosed, but if you ever feel comfortable enough you should totally discuss at least the symptoms you deal with so you can get proper treatment for it ^_^ And all of these symptoms do indeed sound like textbook PPD for sure! You honestly hit a lot of the key criteria (not that im personally diagnosing you because I cannot do that but ya know lol) Other symptoms you might relate to: - being a bit humorless and unable to take certain jokes and possibly becoming hostile/angry if you feel someone is insulting or belittling you in some way - belief that others are out to get you in some way, such as by being harmed or deceived - the perception of innocent remarks or nonthreatening situations as personal attacks - having delusions and possibly experiencing psychotic episodes - extremely stubborn nature - difficulty apologizing Another thing you could look into is BPD - it has paranoia as a symptom (stress related paranoia), intrusive thoughts, jealousy, and grudge holding (usually caused by splitting), in case you'd like to check that out! There's also PTSD/C-PTSD which can have paranoia and intrusive thoughts. With that being said these disorders tend to be comorbid - PTSD/C-PTSD and PPD are often seen together, and having more than one personality disorder is common too - and it can be hard to tell what is causing your symptoms, or if the disorders are 'working together' to amplify what you're experiencing!

#ask #anon #not a suggestion #long post #ppd #paranoia #❤

[rgr-pop]

psychotic post here. hm okay so like, I cant fit everything in my life that is in my life and unfortunately due to me I think that some of the things that have to go are uhhh relationships. given the choice I would have no relationships with anyone (no friends life empty) and I know I shouldn’t indulge that too much but also just like realistically I need to untangle myself from some dynamics that are so taxing and not fixable to me which do not produce... relationship benefits ? the gossip throuple is NOT one, I think we have the potential to enable incredibly bad habits but we’ve already worked on some together (mythic social activity spotted in real life) and I have been able to go to them for constructive but also just fun soothing support in this current mental health crisis. so they’re a good relationship (keep an eye on). I have to quit pod activities altogether for a while due to life but also because our close quarters caused too much like occasional low level bitchiness or annoyance that I don’t have resilience for right now, nobody’s fault tho (ok mine and Alex’s fault). I also probably can’t deal with being in the public eye for a while due to various reasons, one reason being that dealing with organizing conflicts with anarchists/community organizing libs has exposed me to that culture where every single part of your comportment and language is under a moralist microscope 24/7 which is really not mixing well with my contamination ocd full time job lol. anyway historically the pod has been great for my perfectionist insecurities (comfort with saying dumb shit in front of people is important and healthy) but right now I’m being subject to various tribunals by anarcholibs about whether I’m too flippant in my language, too serious about sexism, whether I talk too much, whether I speak professionally enough, whether I am too dogmatic etc and so on. and those are the same spaces where I have felt low key objectified and like I had to be paranoid I was being treated differently due to being the ugly one, etc. needless to say I would like to be not looked at for a while! and a step back will be good for me and alex not bickering lol, keeping us loving and comradely. things got really bad for he and I both at the same time and our overexposure made it so I couldn’t be there for him. but there are other relationships I have to look at. I just had an incident with a comrade where like, after a big argument in one group, he said something dismissive I forgot about immediately and then later I said something really flippant as a joke in a meeting that had to do with something he worked on and it REALLY hurt his feelings and he interpreted it as retaliatory. and I WAS wrong in the primary way I make mistakes: acting without thinking. and we had a really decent repair over it. but the fact is I feel genuinely invested in helping him grow but he isn’t invested in like... my well being. which is like, fine. but I can’t keep sending him pep talks when he can’t defend me in public, you know? what I gotta do is remind myself we are NOT friends. this was all supposed to lead into a question about a juice reward friendship that takes up a lot of my time but leaves me feeling unheard but I realize I was just gonna have to ask you about doing a friend breakup lol. meanwhile i am so afraid to get close to the one comrade I respect and cherish the most because it’s just too debasing! I miss Ashley, my one best friend I see Sometimes And That’s Enough But It’s Not Enough But She Respects My Boundaries We’re Both Trying Our Best

#I mean this so literally this is NONE of you #my internet friends are the only good thing I have #once more Veronica counts as internet first

[carmenpeach]

it kind of kills me that i cant share in any "professional" way any art i make in relation to schizophrenia because thats the sort of thing that would make unhirible or whatever you wanna call it. like i have in my artist statement on my site that part of my body of work is dealing with mental illness, but i cant let on that its with something quote unquote "extreme" and ive had to delete from my instagram all art related to that, or at the least delete the description etc.

ive mostly been making more simple fun things for a while but when it comes to my "real" work esp sculptures thats been a focus (though i can pass it off as "nightmare based" stuff which feels very insulting to myself but whatever). at least my last like year or so in college i made myself finally open up about it and talk about it in critiques what my work is about, but i cant really do that anymore. like i could but it would leave me stranded i guess since its scary or whatever. and also the way i dont want to reduce my mental problems as the basis of my art in a fucking "art of the mentally disturbed" clickbait way if that makes sense.

so im back to square one where im hiding it again except for on here and even then ive just been having fun with it like idk drawing shadow wearing a shirt that says "nobody knows im schizophrenic" or little edits like that etc and its just so -_- not to mention every time in a critique where i made something that was literally a self portrait with like my best attempt to depict the dread of something looming behind me and this one cunt had the nerve to make a big show of herself and say how "(normal) people could interpret it as we all have inner demons ^-^" like no? its literally myself in that and yeah you cant control audience reaction but it was literally "this is about me (and in turn other paranoid schizophrenics) and my direct experience with schizophrenia specifically" and of course people are generally incapable of understanding something unless they can personally relate to it no matter how they have to warp something even if its someones self portrait and its sad cause like. people quit talking to me after that and avoiding me except like two people. i knew that would happen i guess but i really genuinly thought people would be more understanding. but here i am square one with it and knowing i cant express it if i want to be able to be around people.

at least ive managed to connect with other psychotic people since i started being open about it and thats really helped the most but i wish i could do something myself to connect with others through my art i guess since i have a hard time talking to ppl despite how i act sometimes. ive also decided that when it comes to talking about myself online im going to keep it mostly to psychosis stuff cause this is the only site i can do that cause i keep it private in comparison to other social media where ppl i know irl from school can see. but it does make me feel lonely again now that its hit me again that i cant be directly open about it publically anymore at least for now sigh

#but despite it all im glad i did it since meeting other schizophrenics has helped a lot #esp seeing them talk about bizarre experiences that i didnt know other ppl had and thought i was just fucked up #and its been really assuring me and making it a lot less terrifying #like with the whole thinf where it feels like someone/ something is living in yr spine/ base of the head #that feels like another person in a way etc etc hard to explain #but its also ironic i guess to want to talk about it with art cause i dont wanna use parts of me in a spectable way if that makes sense

[hotmomsatplay]

You Cant Hold My Heart

Pairing: Changkyun x Reader

Word Count: I honestly have no clue, maybe like 1k+ 

Genre: Angst/ Futuristic

Warning: Possesive!Kyun, includes mind control 

Note: Idea for this prompt by @changkyunie0​ , I’m so sorry it took so long but I Hope you enjoy :) Also sorry for any mistakes

“Why are we here Changkyun?” You ask on a random spring afternoon. The white walls that surrounded the two of you often felt enclosing, the harsh silver of the metal table chained to your cold metal seats that had been welded into white floor often drove you crazy. 

In fact, everything about your new life drove you crazy. The new world, ruled by greed has forced you into the crevices of insanity, pulling you to the edges of inhumanity and timid fright. You don’t know how you ended up in this place, and you often questioned why you hadn’t yet tried to escape the facility yet.  

The one thing that had been holding you grounded this entire time was Patient 123. He was housed three doors down from you, and for what you assumed was months you just watched the quiet boy. You watched him in the cafeteria for your meals, the only time you would be able to see any sort of human connection. You would watch him when they evaluated his rooms during inspection week. And then, whether it be the forces of nature, he had been miraculously paired with you for partner talk. 

Partner talk was the insurance that you got sincere human interaction. Despite there being a meal plan, with groups of people, that couldn’t force people to interact with others. And everyone here was much to paranoid to spill any details to the hearing ears of the public, so often times, most everyone just ate in complete silence. 

“You ask that question everyday,” He laughs, leaning back in his chair. 

“Do I?” You furrow your brows, trying to think back to yesterdays conversation. But before you can try to pinpoint the same question, Kyun interrupts your thoughts.   

“Its okay, its cute.” 

You were thankful for Changkyun, it felt as if this weird place you had been shipped to who knows how long ago was a little brighter because of his presence. With him, you could feel more then the dull silence that loomed over you. You felt a warmth seeping into your blood stream, and butterflies swarm in your stomach. It didn’t matter that you’d been having partner talk with him for months, the same feeling returned each and every time.

You look at Changkyun, hand gently folded together in your lap, fingers picking at the corners of your thumbs, “I love you kyun.” 

He smiles, rising from his seat and makes his way over to you in less then a two steps. He bends down, carefully placing his lips on yours, “I love you too.” 

His eyes were ridden with guilt, its easy to tell. You frown, suspicious of his actions now. In a place like this it was always easy to become so wrapped in your own bubble that actions even remotely curious would steer you in a different direction. 

But you knew that Changkyun wasn’t like the rest of the people place. You knew he wouldn't be capable of the monstrosities and horror stories you had heard from the others in the quiet whispers that roamed the halls. You knew he was in love with you, and that you were in love with him. 

“Times up.” The guard says, walking into the room and taking your arm by force to take you from the room first. 

-:-

“Why are we here Changkyun?” You ask, looking at Changkyun in the eyes. You see hiss eyes fleet over to yours, a strange glint to them. However, his posture is as normal, slouched back in his chair, arms folded across his waist. 

“You ask that question every day.” He states, a smile spreading across his lips. 

“Do I?” You ask confused, trying to think back to yesterday when you last saw the boy. 

“Its okay, its cute,” He smiles even wider, your thoughts being interrupted by his words. You felt a wave of confusion spread over you. Where had you heard this? It seemed to familiar. You brushed away the feeling, and looked at him, eyes glazing over with adoration. 

“I love you kyun,”  You smile. Watching as he stand from his seat, he walks directly in front of you, bending down to place a kiss on your lips. Smiling into the kiss, you hear him say the words back. 

“I love you too.” 

“Times Up.” 

-:-

“Why are we here Changkyun?” The words tumble out of your mouth the moment your seated across from him. 

“You ask that question everyday,” His eyes are slanted wide, a smile spreading across his lips. This smile seems weird to you, but you don’t understand it. It kyun, you tell yourself, he wouldn’t do a thing to hurt you. 

“Do I?” You freeze for a moment, the familiarity of the conversation fumbling over you. 

“Its okay, its cute.”

You frown, trying to recall your last conversation with him. But you couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t you remember? You sigh, and look at the man across from you, his eyes turned into unreadable emotion. Its as if he was waiting to hear you say something. A moment of silence has him impatient, you can see his teeth tightly clenching together. Somethings wrong. 

“I love you kyun,” You tell him hesitantly. His posture unraveles, a small sigh escaping his lips as the same uneasy smile spreads across his lips. He stands, makes his way over to you, and gently places a kiss on your lips. 

“I love you too.” 

“Times up.” 

-:-

Here you sat. You felt like you had been here a million times, but as you silently watched Kyun slouched in the chair in front of you, you couldn’t understand why you couldn’t remember your past conversations with him. Did you see him yesterday? You weren't sure. 

“W-why are we here Changkyun?” You ask with uncertainty. 

“You ask that question everyday.” This facial expression he carried made you feel dizzy. It wasn’t the kind of dizzy that you felt when you won a stuffed animal at the fair, or the kind of dizzy when someone finally asks you out after countless days of flirting. This wasn’t the warm eruption of butterflies swarming in your stomach nor was the sensation feeling of happiness. No. This kind of dizzy took your breath right out from under you. It made you feel cramped, like you had been stuck in a tiny box with no air holes. This kind of dizzy scared you, fear trembling slowly through your fingertips, spreading further throughout your body. 

“I do?” Confusion sweeps through you again. the same type of confusion you’ve felt before, but could never understand. The look bestowed on Changkyuns face was unrecognizable. A smile stretched upwards as he looks at you. The smile that initiates a response of panic. This smile wasn’t a comforting warm smiles. This smile was one that looked down on you, it made you feel like you had felt before you met the boy. The feeling of being used, the feeling of a lab rat being tested time and time again. 

“Its okay. Its cute.” And then it hits you all at once. Just like a building crumbling to the ground during the forceful impact of the wrecking ball. 

“Somethings wrong with this,” It was just an utter, the words playing in your brain without the realization that they came tumbling out of your lips. You look back at kyun, his face puzzled with bewilderment. 

He frowns. You don’t understand, just like you hadn’t understood anything, and with more composure this time, you face him head on, “Changkyun whats really going on here, why are you looking at me like that?” 

His eyes darken, almost as if a cloud of black thick fog has gusted through him. He wasn’t the warm kyun you knew right now. Where did the warm kyun who held your hand across the table and always got up to give you a kiss to say he loved you go? Always.

He always held your hand. He always kissed you on your cheek. He always told you he loved you. In that order. 

had you been re-living the same day? What was this feeling? 

“You said the wrong thing y/n.” His voice filled with a dark possession, almost as if a demon had crawled inside his body. 

“Take her away.” Kyun says while standing, his guard on high alert. 

You pull away from the guards who try to latch onto your arms. You thrash against them, knowing something was wrong with this. Something was wrong with Changkyun. 

“What are you doing! Put me down! What happened to you kyun!” 

The guards hold you in place, your thrashing momentarily stopping as an evil look arises in Changkyun. This wasn’t the man you you loved. Not anymore. 

He walks towards you, steadily. The laughter that follows in low, and slow, but manically menacing, “Up her dosage by double. We’ll try this again tomorrow.” 

“Try what again!” You cry out, eyes threatening to spill the tears puddling in the corners of your vision. 

“Shaping you darling, you will be the perfect pet, you just need some more training,” He mutters, a foul psychotic aura emitting from him. 

-:-

“Why are we here kyun?” 

#Monsta X #changkyun #shownu #hyungwon #kihyun #jooheon #Minhyuk #wonho #imagine #IM #scenario #angst #fluff #I.M #mx #monsta x imagines #y/n #changkyun x reader

[noras-wafflehouse]

Theres a little headcanon of mine and it could trigger some people out there so i will Tag it . And also put a fat TRIGGER WARNING MAYBE right here . Also it's including SPOILERS FOR THE CHAPTER 290 OF MHA .

I had this thought for a while now . A little storry about myself in forward as i can Talk about it atm . I got Bpd diagnosed just about a year Ago and now my therapist getting to undo all the layers it brings with it . Bipolar just .. (the hardest mood swings ever . You just .. if you dont experience it .. you will not know how this feels . And even if you have it you cant tell if its a good Phase a manic Phase ore if you're just... you just dont realy know like .. i dont realy know . Probably there are a lot of people Who know ! . And tha'ts great !keep it up !) , eating dissorders , being suicidal, self harm , paranoid episodes , dissociation , psychotic episodes , etc ...

I just realy feel like Dabi / Touya got BPD . I know there are a lot of mental illnesses that are similair to bpd and it of course needs to be diagnosed ( so it's actually nothing else . So it's realy bpd . Ore realy something else so i wont say if you have Symptomes of bpd you have it . It can be something else . I hope i dont offend anyone if i do, call me out as im a confused mess . )

But that probably will not happen in bnha . And it's just a headcanon . I realy can imagining him haveing this mental illness as of a result of his Traumata as a child . The abuse , and just ... my god . He probably got Big PTSD as well .

So .. why do i Think he might have bpd ? He got that ... Impulsive behaviour . When something fucks him up . Ore excites him as we see.. he is going all over the place Being verry dramatic, and verry self harming .

He feels empty . ( he certanly is'nt dont hate me ) Like when i look at him , i See a man whos either holding his emotions back so well . Ore he just 'dances' between , OVERWHELMING and Feeling EMPTY .

I Think he got paranoid episodes , and also psychotic episodes . (But that also can just be me projecting ) i can't tell when im in a episode so i can't tell you the effects actually , as i dont wanna read into it couse my hyper functioning brain will make Symptome up . And i would not like that to happen . So it would be cool if you just Google it :3 read a little about it if you're interesting . (But hes deffently paranoid )

He is suicidal . And he dosnt give a shit about his life . ( you can shittalk me for that its fine . )

I also feel like hes takeing a lot of meds ( substance abuse ) because of his scarrs . They must hurt like hell more .. we never See hin takeing any drugs ore that couse its a CHILDREN MANGA ( i feel like its not though .. like i wouldnt let this watch my 6 year old child . Ore 12 year old . For Sure not) but how would he cope with the pain ? Okay .. so i cant say anymore as my head goes blank .

Dont understand me wrong , i love dabi . I love MHA . (I just dont Think it's for children ) i didnt mean to offend anyone with this , you can send me youre complains. this is fine .

I read from a lot of people that write stuff like that getting a lot of death threats ore hate speeches . Blast me full with it but you cant do that to everyone here , like you dont know when someone is realy takeing that to heart . And some people are haveing just THE BLOG . So they of course dont want to delete it, but as im just a shitpost Blog i can so .. have fun !

And everyone have a nice day/ night !

#dabi mha #mha spoilers #dabi headcanons #im triggered #triggertime #trigger warning #touya todoroki #touya is dabi #dabi mha spoiler #spoiler my hero academia

[oswednesday]

could we possibly get an update on your tmasona :3c i feel like maybe some things have changed, or i'm just getting confused...

omg yeah i need to update their art ref! ill get to it, i have to finish up some other stuff first! omg yeah ive been adjusting things as i go, making themes clearer i guess! or w/e fits the setting better a i listen again, omggg thank you for asking, also im so rendered playdough soft that youre keeping track enough to feel confused like,o mg ;x ;, okay so updates!:

-theyre born in america to a beholding cultist group, their parents are like Teachers With Doctorates, they have six other siblings (who also all go different ways) the upbringing is like zero privacy 100% authoritative, they live on the compound which doubles as like a high end Alternative Schooling, i imagine they would have called their parents ma'am and sir more than mom and dad, its competitive family dynamic and theyre being Trained to take the archivist position on the off chance that gertrude dies of old age (i think given that a branch in china had a guy lined up thats a reasonable thing to assume the cult does as a whole?), they attend like a compound boarding school with other cultist children (like, america has A LOT of cult compounds,, so i think it would be def a thing for dread god followers, and since tmi has like Some kind of academic standing, with american culture there’d be some kind of accredited legitimacy to the school)

-they go to whatever fancy university for a weighted accelerated library sciences program that their family has a connection to, with like the smallest bit of experienced freedom they also take art classes at a Less Nice For Profit liberal school thats just a block or so away from the other as it tends to be in small american cities that are designated college towns, theyre like so paranoid about being caught and watched and judged that they go through the whole trouble of fabricating a whole entire different person to be for the other school which does not check anything ‘cause theyre getting paid, which like the money dries up a bit enough for them to start up some Fraud, i think the very start of like the identity theft is the End, but before that they would keep track of everything like taking notes about different places different selves needed to be, keeping track of lies the best they could, theyre the only one of the siblings left who havnt made it Super clear theyre with a different patron, so they feel the obligation to keep it up, i also think there’d be a lot of, wow no one can ever know anything about my terrible fucked up monster life so no one can get close, i cant even get close to me, vibe going on with all that

-this is the lead up to the psychotic break they have, and it Looses them up enough to experience the spiral, during the break down they find a book that Feels Familiar and its like, transcribed recordings of children in therapy conversations accompanied with art from the patient , it probs has a Misleading title like “my wonderful changing body and me!” like one of those youre going through puberty and instead of helping you emotionally im going to toss a book at you and leave the room kind of thing

-so they get lost a while, read a book in peace, break a mirror in a way thats v symbolic, like a representation of their sense of self becoming fractured, they use their blood to mark where theyve been, its all very trans formative and dramatic, (like they def arnt using they/them before this, they embrace the multiplicity of it all)

-their Purpose is to lead victims through, they create and maintain narrative mazes for people to get lost in and lead them to madness (so, like the metanarrative function of pyramid head, or like the bartender+delbert grady in the shining, or like the night clerk in the first downfall game? i guess the second one too but the first one has that vibe im going for and is less symbolic over all), this also means they like vacuum up after a messy meal

-the title that old fashioned people use is the minotaur, but stuff about their role within the cult as a concept is like jaws of madness, the teeth, the porter, doorman, caretaker, maid, whatever nondescript jobs victims see them having

-happening simultaneously to that metaphysical stuff, their physical self drops out of everything and a distant aunt offers to take them in which their family is Fine with cause their a disappointment and all, but it turns out their aunt is a house that like uk buzzfeed and travel blogs calls the mouth of madness, its like a winchester house, m takes it over and converts it to a bed and breakfast tourist spot for the income and it just, becomes a legit hotel business (but i think thats after the great twisting fell through)

-so timeline wise its, breakdown, impulsively marrying the physical embodiment of the lonely,the great twisting, hotel

-like cause they had no place of their own there was no place for them to go after the twisting fell through so they went no where, it was real upsetting tho

-things that not every minotaur had but some could do so this is like personal quirks! is they can move the understanding of physical things to create obstructions as long as its repetitive,so making mazes and labyrinths! and sometimes their fabricated spaces are like noticeably fake, they also cant balance a lot of victim plots and make new space like the first purpose comes first even when the second function would benefit

- they look however you expect them to look whatever that means for you but they also have a static like base self that they can like, replace with other selves

-like seeing the pure concept like how the distortion is that weird long fuckhands thing, their True shape is like a vitruvian man in constant motion like a photographic blur, you could probs see how a leg could be a tail and how shifting heads and shoulders could be horns and how weapons held by many hands are hooves of a beast

-there’s not always time for any of that so sometimes they have to just lock someone up, let their mind fill in the blanks and do them an insanity, box cutters have a nice sound but power drills are more appropriate for quick jobs

-they can fully Check Out of their physical body and just leave it there, they eventually have to go back and get it tho, it can do its own thing but its primarily customer service auto pilot

-their dreams are like realistically mundane, with the occasional interruption of something that catches up with them (like if they cut their hand off irl itll be fine but theyll eventually have a normal dream where their hand gets severed) (they also do a lot of work in dreams but they like differentiate between like im consciously doing stuff in the dreamscape and im a victim here dreams but theres no real, difference, thats not really their thing to be in control of)

-i think the sum of their personality would be like someone who exclusively talks in customer service voice and when theyre not working theyre a nervous wreck, they hide behind stuff when ever they can and feel more comfortable with something between them and other person like a wall or a magazine or a counter desk, that sort of thing

#sona tag #thank you omg #long post #uppermanhattanhobo

[semidormant]

glad to see youre STILL stalking us and telling everyone how awful we are even though zach literally HASNT FRONTED IN A MONTH. this is literally only petty drama now. shut the fuck up about us and yes this is the closest fucking thing youre gonna get to any of the shit you wanna accuse us of bc i am SICK of being watched im SICK of OUR ALTERS having panic attacks and feeling paranoid and having fucking psychotic episodes and ptsd flashbacks because you wanna keep tabs on someone who 1) you havent spoken to in MONTHS and 2) ISNT EVEN HERE. if youre gonna keep watching us at least read this and really look at yourself so you can ask why the fuck youre doing this. theres no good reason for it anymore! all you have is accusations you cant prove and things that nobody here now have done. are you happy like this? no wonder you dont have real friends.

#💀

[rvb17-remade]

sarge rvb is psychotic kings!

anyways all the proof is under the cut feel free to add on unless ur gonna be  ableist! nonpsychotics can rb just b respectful or you will get sarge’s shotgun

ook so basically im just gonna put this in kind of a list format cus idk how to format these posts lawl

Delusions / Paranoia:

so i think the most obvious reason sarge is psychotic cus his delusions and general paranoia esp. abt blue team is like. a character theme for him.

this is pretty consistent through the series but sarge is shown to be really paranoid about blue team conspiring against him without his knowledge which pretty much fits criteria for delusions. heres some screenshots abt that! 

(hes talking about sarge)

(none of that actually happened in this ep he just thinks the blues captured simmons when they didn’t. also i kind of want to point out the “just as predicted” part and a part right before that when he said “i knew this day would come” they both kind of show that sarge has thought something bad was gonna happen with the blues for a long time.)

I also think sarge’s attachment to his weapons is kind of a safety thing cus it’d make sense that he’d want something to protect himself most of the time if he’s always scared the blues (or anyone else for that matter) are gonna attack him. 

also sarge’s wiki page states a few things that r kind of inch resting too:

 “Sometimes he makes incompetent blunders in his plans that are not immediately evident to him, but the rest of the team will criticize him for. He is also rather paranoid, and often concocts implausible theories to explain simple events. Many of these will revolve around the Blues as their primary antagonists, as a result of Sarge's intense hatred of them. “

“but when Grif makes a few clever comments about how command could be wrong about other things which Sarge staunchly believes in, he believes that he is dead and, due to his complete trust in red command, allows the other Reds to bury him alive.”

“Sarge's complete hatred towards the Blues had him believe that the Blues set it up to spy on them,”

anyways thats kind of that on that part.

the delusions/paranoia thing was kind of my main point but i did notice sarge fits some other symptoms sooooo

Other Symptoms:

sarge could be depressed (this is just drawing from the line in the wiki tho ive never seen the grifball highlights)

At the end of Grifball Highlights, Sarge cries, "I'm so sad, I don't think I can go on. End it now, end it now," because the ball-carrier (A.K.A. Grif) scores without dying 

i think sarge could also have problems w/ memory because he makes all of his passwords easily guessable. 

Sarge is also pretty irritable and imo has anger issues

i haven’t seen any mentions of Sarge hallucinating, and if you have any examples of that pls add them on cus i spent a long time looking and i can’t find anything.

anyways thats the end of the post thanks for reading stan psychotic icon sarge rvb!

#red vs blue #rvb #sarge #psychotic headcanon #hcs #OK THANK YOU. IF THERES ANYTHING U WANT TO ADD U CAN. ALSO RB THIS OR YOU HATE PSYCHOTICS

[slightlyaghast]

Personal post about mental illness up ahead folks

I dont want to be mean. I hate that I get cranky and stressed and suicidal and my brain tells me to be mean and lash out at my loved ones. It knows exactly what to say to cut them deep and THEY DONT DESERVE IT. Thank god I have some (very practiced) self control and I didn't say those things to my husband that I wanted to, but I just feel appalled for even thinking them at all.

Hes done so much for me lately to just try and keep me sane and comfortable and cared for. I know I'm getting worse because I've started saying things that he will gently point out to me are paranoid symptoms and delusions and even though hes schizophrenic and gets it, I can sometimes see the little twinge of sadness in his face when he realizes it's getting worse and I very well might go off the deep end sooner than we thought.

I havent slept in 4 weeks with out nightmares... I havent rested in 4 weeks..

Several times a day I will forget where I am or what I'm doing or what time it is and I'll panic. I can keep it together really well and tether myself back to reality but this happens several times a day now and its exhausting and terrifying. I see things all the time (although they dont bother me much but the principle of it does). I'm usually too anxious to go outside alone. I've noticed strangers keep watching me.. they wont turn their backs to me.. like they know something I dont. I feel uncomfortable in my skin like a crab that cant molt. I'm getting random memory flashes that are intrusive and quite a few have been trauma related and it's all piling up on each other. I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse.

And through all of this Dillon has stood by me. Been patient with me and gentle towards me.. making me food, bringing me coffee, showing verbal support. He even escorts me places which is very significant because the poor guy is also heavily psychotic and being in public always triggers intrusive homicidal thinking (which as one can imagine is very uncomfortable) ... still he does it. And he doesnt complain (aside from a typical little bastard quip here and there) and has been consistently tender through a very very difficult time.

And my brain told me to be awful towards him and it disgusts me. I hurt myself for the first time in a long time because it wouldnt stop and I NEEDED it to stop or else I was going to go off of the deep end. I really hope everyone can forgive me for what I've done and for what I'm sure to do in the future. I promise I'm doing my best. Please believe me.

#personal #ramblings #long post

[dread-and-despair-dyke]

ah man i need to like. be human . again . like to enjoy things genuinely

fuck i cant even say or type things anymore without thinking abt how somebody else might as well be reading it as i type it, perhaps everybody i know is reading everything the moment i write it, i dont even mind that very much i just! want to be able to think and write and exist without being watched . i think im getting paranoid again

i wld speak to my therapist abt this but also, last time we spoke abt my previous paranoia issues she was kind of just like . well ur not having them now so dont worry . which is completely correct of her to say!! but im a little bitch baby and i want to hear somebody tell me that at least some of the emotional pain can be fixed just through doing some worksheets or something . god

i know i dont have it that bad . my grandmother is in a rlly bad psychotic episode atm, says she hears things. ive never rlly had hallucinations except for with sleep paralysis. i just get the 'i think X person knows all my thoughts and hates me and secretly ridicules me', but that isnt even a real issue or real bad paranoia, im just a whiny little bitch

its so so sad to be here and know how slim the chances are of ever feeling happy again . none of ny coping mechanisms are even comforting anymore, whatever is making my coping mechanisms not work is the same thing thats making me paranoid but idk what that is

#deepthoughtsTM

[dennysverse]

Sect 19, 22, 24, 31, 34 thats a lot oops hope thats cool w you

its ALWAYS cool w me dont worry!!also whhooops i wrote a lot and im on mobile so i cant tag rip

19 - What do they think about before falling asleep at night?this is an odd one, because sect lives by the advice that people give you about sleep hygiene taken to a whole new extreme. you know, the stuff about how beds are for sleeping and you should go find something else to do if you find yourself awake for too long. well, in sect’s mind, if he’s awake for more than ten minutes while trying to sleep, that means that he obviously doesn’t need to sleep yet, and he’s totally good to spend another 12 to 72 hours awake doing things besides worrying about potential nightmares or thinking about tragic backstories. so if sect is going to sleep, it’s highly likely it won’t even be at night, and he probably will have been awake long enough to be incapable of doing much thinking before he passes out from exhaustion.

22 - Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?notes. so many notes. this is the guy that you put into any kind of survival situation and the first thing he goes for is a pen and paper. he pretty much lives this scenario in hexxit, spending his time recording everything and anything that wanders into his train of thought. if there’s absolutely nothing to do or write about, he tends to resort to re-recording old notes or inventing new shit- even if it’s just on paper. give him an hour and enough paper and he’ll produce some complicated theoretical doohickey just shy of completely useless.

24 - Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?sect exists to intellectually pursue things. there’s no real singular subject he’s focused on, dabbling in pretty much anything that will occupy him for a significant amount of time. the name of the game is “keep sect busy enough to not think too hard about the inevitability of death,” and sect has been winning it for about 40 years now. there is one skill that he completely lacks any talent in, and that’s languages. while most riots have a knack for learning new langauges, sect totally fails at it. communication is pretty hard for him- more on that later.

31 - Most prized possession?most riots’ prized possessions are their goggles. that’s a pretty obvious one. however, you might notice that if sect owns a pair, he doesn’t ever wear them.and that’d be because he doesn’t own a pair. most of his family’s precious possessions were left behind when he was a small child, so there’s no family heirlooms to cling on to. sect has basically none of the normal things that would allow him to fit in with other riots. no goggles, no skill with languages… what he does have, however, is a wedding ring.it’s both a cursed item for him and his most prized possession. he’s tried to get rid of it in fits of manic rage more than once, but he always tearfully goes back for it when he’s exhausted himself. he doesn’t wear it on his finger, he keeps it on a simple cord around his neck. (his other, even more secret prized possession is a simple drawing that he keeps tucked in one of his many journals that he keeps hidden in the walls of his own ship.)

34 - Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)sect is weird about privacy. sometimes he’ll shut himself away at even the most well-meaning prodding, sometimes he’ll callously admit to existing in a continuous state of anxiety and self loathing with zero visible emotional attachment. he has trouble with communication in a lot of ways, the first and foremost being that his brain works against him. he often ends up with racing thoughts that go too fast for him to properly articulate, which leaves him irritated when he makes a logistical leap and leaves everyone else in the conversation behind. he’s really really bad at explaining anything to anyone. do not ask him to teach you anything. it’ll just frustrate both of you.he also has paranoid and psychotic tendencies because, yknow, this is my character we’re talking about here, and what would my characters be without paranoia and the horrible experiences that are tactile hallucinations!so my point is that sect doesn’t really LIKE his privacy. sect feels like he REQUIRES his privacy or else any number of horrible things (that he’s trying not to worry about and failing) can and WILL occur because he’s renat volkov- and the statement falls a little flat because he doesn’t go by riot anymore- and the universe HATES him.so depending on the alignment of the stars, the phase of the moon, and where sect is in the endless cycle of hell that is bipolar depression, a well meaning question about his sleeping habits will either get you a surprisingly accurate impression of a hissing cat scuttling away into the darkness, or a bright smile and a ten minute lecture on the incredible meaninglessness of your small corner of the infinite universe and how absolutely nothing any of us do can change anything. or as a third option, decided completely randomly, he might just tell you the truth, or an elaborate lie, or both at once. in short, sect is fairly unpredictable.

#sect #lore #renat #too

[btsdadd-blog]

hi, i'm really glad you're back and i'm sorry for all that happened, but i have to ask.. could you, if you don't mind, say some more details or examples about what has been happening/happened before you got help? because while reading about your experiences, it seemed like you were describing me, but like in worse state. So i also want to ask, should i also get checked somehow or do you think that it won't develope to that kind of a worse... illness?

so, i’m not a psychiatrist. im just some kid with a sickness. so i have no idea how you are and what you may be but i can definitely describe what my experience with schizophrenia is like? and i have minor symptoms in some areas, so ill also describe what they can be. 

also, for the second half of your question, you really have to look at yourself. are these symptoms something you worry about, or do they affect your daily life? are they causing problems for you? have they changed your behavior? because they might be strong enough to consider seeing a psychiatrist. you could talk to a doctor and see if they can find a psychiatrist? or try to make an appointment with one? a consultation or somth might provide some answers, and you could take it from there if it is something to worry about. 

hallucination- ive been having minor auditory hallucinations since i was little. i hear buzzing, knocking, clicking, and thumping that no one else hears. as a kid, i complained about my ‘brain creaking’ and was kept up at night feeling that someone was knocking on the walls, or the front door. i know these are in my head because ive learned to check them- i move my head left and right, and if the sound changes, i can tell that it is outside my head. 

however, some people hallucinate voices. they could hear anywhere from whispering to yelling, one to many voices. ive met other people with voices and they really take up their heads. command voices are the worst of them, voices that tell the person to hurt themselves, hurt others, or voices that say terrible and offensive things. 

visual hallucinations for me would be two things. my main hallucination is a tall, smoky man made of black sticks and mist. his name is the Cornish Man. when i was having my psychotic episodes, i would see him outside the window or past the fence, waiting for me. i also was deluded; i knew that he was going to hurt me, and that he was Death. i knew that the moment i relaxed, he would come to hurt me. minor hallucinations of mine would be seeing pieces of him in my peripherals, things moving in dark areas, and pulsing of objects in low light. 

other people can experience really any other hallucinations- theyre just something you see that others dont. i dont really know other people with visual hallucinations so i cant really provide explanations

paranoia- i was paranoid about several things- i believed that the government collected peoples DNA for some sinister purpose, and because of this refused to give blood or leave things like band-aids or other things with my dna on them in public trash cans, etc. as well, i believed that not only was i being watched by the Cornish Man, but i was also being watched by a ton of other people. i felt their eyes on my back everywhere i went. i couldn’t sit with my back to a window. the blinds were usually drawn in any room i was in, especially at night. i also feared mind readers. i thought that my brain wasnt private, and would suddenly ‘scream’ in my head to see if anyone around me was surprised, if they had been reading my mind. finally, i also knew that microphones and video cameras were hidden in rooms, and routinely checked for them. i refused anyone who told me that they werent there. 

i think that there are a lot of different paranoias, but mine were pretty textbook? 

oh yeah btw, im using past tense because my meds have really helped me have a clearer head, but i still cant shake some of my symptoms. im just trying to used past tense so that i can try to put them ‘behind’ me. 

delusion- delusions for me were very similar to my paranoias. i was deluded into thinking these were true. as well, i was very stuck in the idea that people were out to get me. however, for other people, they may be deluded into thinking they are a god, robot, all sorts of things. 

thoughts- for a long time, my thoughts were very disorganized. i jumped from one topic to th next very quickly, used made up or mashed together words, and lost focus and my train of thought (this made if very hard to write my stories) 

as well, i was very socially… distant? i was not very emotional and most of my interactions were forced. ive never truly felt romantic feelings towards someone? all of the things ive been talking about on here were just like, surface vanities? i was trying very hard to feel these things, so i acted like i did. it never worked though. i never really felt anything. when funny or sad things were happening, i had to mock the facial expression i was supposed to do. most of the time, had i not been mocking, i would have been straight faced and uninterested. 

there are lots of other symptoms of schizophrenia. these are jus the main ones that ive experienced and met others that do. please look them up on your own on trustworthy websites because of course, again. im just some kid with a keyboard. im no doctor, not a professional. 

#ace #basically i describe in depth all my symptoms so if you arent down for that.... #yeah i understand #Anonymous