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lizaloveslevihan · 3 years

Note

if you have some angsty writing energy rn: hc where jean notices that hange hasn’t fully grieved or come to terms with erwin and moblit’ deaths, so he gets over his fear of levi to ask him with how to help hange because he’s so concerned for her

Title: Hange-san

Ao3 Link: Here

Notes: I also got some inspiration from this beautiful art I saw on Twitter.

They weren’t really close by any standards. Thinking about it, they probably just had two or three conversations the entire time Jean had known him. But his utter devotion was enough to catch anyone’s attention. If he wasn’t screaming at her to take care of herself, he did it silently by running each tiny errand and sticking with her like glue. He always walked by her side — shoulders hunched from obvious stress, hair a little unkempt, but hazel eyes as bright as ever, taking in every word she said despite the obvious dark circles underneath them. It was almost as if her personality and lifestyle were being injected into him, giving him life.

Jean hadn’t really understood the nature of their relationship before — couldn’t comprehend the idea of someone so willing to put up with Hange-san’s eccentricities and borderline craziness, day in and day out, especially given their slightly above average wages. It hadn’t seemed romantic at first glance by any means (he would have gotten a different vibe from them if it were the case) but rather, it was fueled and strengthened by a strong sense of loyalty and attentiveness. Those in the Survey Corps had dedicated their hearts to fighting titans and ensuring freedom for humanity, and though vice-captain Moblit Berner essentially did the same, it was as if a large chunk of his heart was dedicated only to Hange-san.

Jean paused, taking that new idea in. He stood outside the newly-appointed commander’s office, the journal he found tucked securely at his side. He had been hesitant to see her, especially after yesterday. She had asked him privately, eyes devoid of any emotion, tone full of anguish, if he could clean and clear out the former vice captain’s room. He understood her pain and had somehow expected this request — they were all grieving, having lost all those people — but he didn’t expect to feel pain over the task given to him.

His room was neat enough when Jean entered it yesterday morning. The bed was made, the shelves free of dust, and each article of clothing folded neatly inside his small closet. The only thing out of place was his desk which had mountains of paperwork that still lay on top of it.

He didn’t know him that well. They weren’t really close. But as Jean shuffled through and organized every piece of paper, every work of art, each sketch of an unfamiliar face, he felt his chest tightening. He vaguely remembered the vice-captain being an excellent artist, but he didn’t realize just how talented he was.

For some reason, he wasn’t surprised to see Hange-san’s face more so than the others. He had drawn her messy hair and wild eyes so perfectly that Jean felt as if he wasn’t worthy to even touch those pieces of paper. Some of them were hastily drawn, some with exquisite detail. He also saw sketches of her with captain Levi, and his eyes widened at one particular portrait where he was drawn gripping his teacup and smiling at her tenderly.

Damn it, Jean thought as he gingerly placed those papers back down on the desk. He would have loved to take lessons from the vice-captain if he only knew just how amazing he was. He had always been passionate about making art and drawing things he saw in his dreams back when he was younger. But of course, he had buried it in the face of reality. Seeing these sketches lit up a fire inside him. A fire that both consisted of his long-lost passion and the grief and sorrow he had tried to conceal ever since they returned from Shiganshina. He had looked around the room and let out a deep breath. No, he couldn’t allow himself to linger too much on those thoughts. He knew if he kept thinking about the warm, artistic vice-captain, he would be plunged into a deep abyss. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop seeing every single face that they lost, especially him. Especially that warm, freckled face full of joy and compassion. That face which had looked at him with so much respect and admiration.

Shaking his head, he forced his mind to turn blank. He started to stack all those papers neatly on top of one another, finally freeing the desk of its mess. However, that was what exactly led him to find the dreaded journal whose contents would continue to haunt him for the rest of the day.

Jean shook his head and looked up, staring at the door to her office. He had been plagued by those thoughts since that task. The commander had ordered him to drop all of his things in her office and so far Jean had made two trips without her being in there. He had a feeling, however, she was behind those doors this time around. He internally debated with himself if he should enter now or wait for her to go to town, seeing as she had a meeting with Zackley later today. However, before he could even decide, the door swung open. Jean jumped up, a little startled, and was met with captain Levi’s usual impassive expression.

“What are you doing here, Jean?” the captain asked, raising an eyebrow. He crossed his arms and lingered at the doorway.

“I, uh,” Jean started, scratching the back of his neck and trying to keep eye contact as much as possible, “I’m here to hand the commander some of—”

“It’s Hange,” the captain cut him off, now closing the door behind him. “I know you’re obligated to call her by that title, and that’s fine for formal occasions, but I want you to keep calling her what you and the other brats call her as much as possible, alright?”

The captain didn’t elaborate any further, which made Jean a little uneasy. He gripped the journal tighter and nodded. He already had a good feeling as to why he would ask such a thing.

“At ease,” the captain spoke quietly, placing a hand on Jean’s shoulder. “You and the brats did well.” Jean looked down and saw… pride? relief? emotions that weren’t normally seen behind the captain's light gray eyes. He allowed himself to briefly recall what had happened on the rooftop. How the captain kept moving forward despite all the pain and loss he endured was unbeknownst to Jean. But then again, that’s what all of them have been doing ever since they joined the Survey Corps, wasn’t it? Is this how his life would always be like? Taking in loss after loss and moving forward from each friend? Forced to kill others with no hesitation? Valuing certain lives and sacrificing others? Clearing out each empty bedroom after every mission? As he was nearing that dark abyss, the captain pulled him out by saying: “Don’t blame yourself with what happened with Reiner, alright? If I only had killed him before he transformed, maybe we wouldn’t have been in this goddamn mess.” the captain recalled briefly, shaking his head and scrunching his eyebrows, “Hange’s inside. Don’t linger too much. She still has a lot of things to do.” and with that, he made his way past Jean and went off across the hallway.

Jean couldn’t help but stare after the captain. He had already come to terms with the fact that it was him who let Reiner get away. That it had all been his fault. But here was the captain, who, the same as Hange-san, took the blame and responsibility for letting the armored and beast titan escape. He felt that it came from more than their positions as superior officers but from their genuine kindness. Their desire to look over everyone. He felt both comforted and pained because of it.

He also couldn't help but think of what the vice-captain had said about captain Levi in his journal...

He shook his head once again. They needed time. He needed time. He already had enough things to deal with because of the damn journal. With a deep sigh, he walked towards the commander’s office and knocked thrice on the door. After he heard a small, muffled “come in,” he pushed it open and was surprised to see her not behind her desk, but standing by the window, looking out at the training grounds across them.

“I’ve brought the last of his things, Hange-san,” Jean said as he closed the door behind him. When she didn’t respond, he shuffled his feet nervously and looked around the office. Bookshelves were covering both sides of the wall, a large desk pressed at the very back, littered with numerous paperwork and books, and the two large windows on either side of which. It felt a little stuffy if he were being completely honest. He had been to Hange-san’s lab before where things were much more chaotic and disorganized, but much more full of life. This place, well, felt like it didn’t belong to her at all.

Which was pretty much a given, considering she had just moved in. The place still embodied the late and great Erwin Smith.

After a few seconds passed, she finally turned around and flashed him a small smile.

It was obviously forced.

“Thank you, Jean,” she spoke, walking up to him and gently taking the journal from his outstretched hands. Her lips pressed into a thin line as she inspected the object. “I… forgot this existed.”

Jean simply nodded, not really knowing what to say. He still felt incredibly awkward.

The commander kept looking at the old, worn-out book as she took a seat behind her desk. She still hadn’t removed the bandages that covered her damaged eye. “This was what he always carried around whenever we did the experiments on those titans. Even if we weren’t doing them, actually. I remember him telling me how his life’s work was here, should he die in the field. How I should inherit it, on the assumption that I’d live longer than him…”

Jean would have had no problem with this conversation if only he didn’t open the book and flipped through the pages himself. Yes, he would be pained, but not as pained if he didn’t read through the long letters that the vice-captain had left in that book. If he hadn’t digested every tiny sketch and word. He had no business in doing so, perhaps he could even get punished should Hange-san find out what he had done, but he couldn’t help the curiosity that sparked within him. Only if he could turn back time. He wished he’d never read those letters. It was just too much.

“He… saved you, didn’t he Hange-san?” Jean muttered respectfully, his body incredibly stiff. She looked up at him, her face just so tired. “When Bertholdt transformed, he pushed you to safety…?”

“I knew it would come to that one day.” the commander said both wistfully and solemnly, “I’ve always been a handful. Careless. Absentminded. Reckless.” she listed off, drumming her fingers on the wooden desk, “I keep getting too close to the mouths of titans. I was more than okay with dying. Especially if it meant I had contributed one way or another to humanity’s freedom. There was this myth I had read before, you know? It was in a storybook meant for children to warn them to never leave the walls.”

At this, she stood up and started walking around the room. “It was a tale of this child who was given wings by his uncle, or was it his father? I couldn’t quite remember. They were trying to escape and leave this tower by flying away. The older man had warned him not to fly too close to the sun, but the boy, being this curious little thing, didn’t listen. Thus, his wings were burned and he fell to his death.” the commander laughed bitterly, her fingers trailing the bookshelves on the left side of the room, “He had always warned me not to fly too close to the sun, Jean. But I still did. Instead of me, it was him who suffered the consequences. It makes me wonder… what if one day, I’ll have this chance again? What if I fly, soaring through the clouds, and my recklessness or heroism or whatever the rest of you would call it, would cause me to fly too close to the sun?”

Jean wanted to leave. He didn’t like the words that were coming out of the commander’s mouth. He wanted to shut himself in his room and maybe sleep this whole thing off. He didn’t want to think about her dying, or anyone for that matter, especially after the loss they were still trying to deal with. That story upset him more than he realized, especially since it didn’t seem too far-fetched at this point, considering all the gruesome deaths he had seen. He knew it was the grief talking and the pressure from her new position, but still, it unnerved him to see someone he always knew was filled with life looking so dead inside.

“You meant a lot to him, Hange-san,” Jean replied, trying to keep the emotion from his voice. You meant a lot to him more than anyone in this world, if he were being completely honest. “We always want to keep the people we care about safe, sometimes even if it means sacrificing our lives. He will always live on, in you — in us. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.”

Jean didn’t really know what he was saying — the words he uttered felt meaningless in the grand scheme of things — but he knew they were words that needed to be said. After reading those things, well, he felt as if he needed to give her as much assurance as possible.

The commander gave him a tight-lipped smile, her remaining eye tearing up. She approached him, and it was only then Jean finally noticed how she had a slight limp in her step. How her shoulders were tight and slumped forward. She placed a hand on his shoulder and nodded at him. “Thank you, Jean. You don’t know how much that means to me. You’re a great kid and I hope you know that you’ve proven to be an invaluable asset to not only the Survey Corps but to humanity as well. And,” Jean met her eye and his chest tightened once again in seeing it glimmer with a sense of pride, “thank you for cleaning Moblit’s room. I could have done it myself but…”

“I understand, Hange-san,” Jean said, his voice surprisingly reassuring despite the overwhelming amount of emotions he felt. She finally said his name. “I really do.”

The commander smiled a little brighter this time — the most genuine one yet, “Thank you.” and Jean felt that statement didn’t only apply to this situation. “Once we settle everything with Zackley, I’ll let you kids take a much-needed break. You mentioned your mother lives in Trost, is that right?”

“Yes, along with the rest of my family,” Jean replied, the prospect of seeing his mother again warming him up. He still wasn’t able to visit her due to the situation at hand, but he was eager to finally do so. He had always been reluctant in the past due to his embarrassment, but now he understood how superficial those fears were. He was so lucky, luckier than most, that he still had a family to go back to at the end of the day.

The commander nodded before squeezing his shoulder. “Make sure the rest of your squad finishes up their reports, alright? I want them on my desk tomorrow morning.”

“Understood, Hange-san.” Jean nodded in return, offering her a small smile.

She finally stepped away and Jean took this opportunity to carefully walk to the door. However before he could open it, the commander called him once more.

“Don’t blame yourself over anything, alright?” she said, crossing her arms, her voice now laced with a sense of authority, “It was always my decision. It was always my responsibility. I hope you remember that.”

He felt a knife pierce at his heart from her words — the same words the captain had told him no less than twenty minutes ago. He recalled the letters he had read from the vice captain’s journal and Jean couldn’t help but smile at the thought. He wondered briefly if he should get Hange-san to leave for her meeting with Zackley first before opening up the book and reading through everything in it, something Jean was sure she was going to do once he left her alone. But how could he possibly tell her without causing suspicion? How could he possibly tell her that whatever she was about to read could potentially break her? More so than she already was?

He couldn’t, because he shouldn’t have read those things in the first place. He shouldn’t have let his curiosity get the best of him. So instead, he simply nodded and quietly muttered a “thank you” before leaving.

He went down the other hallway to make sure he wouldn’t come across captain Levi. He needed to clear his thoughts before he could face them anytime soon. Jean wondered what his reaction would be if he read those letters as well. He let out a large sigh. Either way, it couldn’t possibly be as bad as Hange-san’s.

*******

The next couple of days had been surprisingly normal enough. They had filed reports, went into countless meetings after the other to discuss the situation regarding what they had found in Shiganshina, all the while still sending letters to each family who had lost a member in the battle. He didn’t see much of the commander other than the times they had to present themselves to Zackley, during which she acted completely fine — delivering each line with that of a smooth and authoritative manner. Other than that, she was gone — either in her office or delivering each letter of condolence personally. When he heard of that, his respect for her had grown even more immensely. She was an unbelievably kind and compassionate leader, and Jean felt even more honored to be working with her.

The promised day-off eventually came. Hange-san could only give everyone three days, seeing as recruits were going to be entering the Corps soon which meant Jean and the rest of his friends had to work on training them. Either way, he was glad to be getting some time to spend with his family. His mother was for sure going to dote on him to no end, but surprisingly, he was looking forward to it.

Already dressed in his civilian attire with his carry-on pack by his shoulder, Jean made his way to the commander’s office once more to inform them of his departure. He had visited Sasha earlier at the hospital and was pleased to know that she would be discharged later today and would be going to her family straight after. He offered to wait for her and drop her off himself, still wary of her injury, but Connie had offered to do it in his place. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin having no place to go opted to go around town for the day, and Floch had already left to visit his own family which basically meant Jean was the only one left in headquarters.

He finally rounded the corner and was about to knock on the old wooden door when he heard a loud crash followed by a screaming match. He immediately stepped back, feeling his blood run cold at the sounds. Only two people could possibly be behind those doors, and he didn’t like that he was hearing any of these things right now. He was lucky that the doors were thick enough to muffle the details of their conversation or their screaming match, but he still picked up on certain sentences.

“He would know exactly what to do next!”

“You’re not supposed to be him! Don’t you understand that?!”

Should I just leave? Make a run for it? Hange-san would surely understand, Jean thought to himself, panic building up in his chest. He recalled that time in his childhood where his parents would fight over food or jobs or whatever adults had fought about. He always felt uncomfortable and disheartened, thinking his parents hated each other and would never get along again. He didn’t like seeing the ugly things that had transpired between them. However, before he could even decide, the door suddenly slammed open, but this time, instead of captain Levi, Hange-san came out, walking briskly and angrily. She didn’t even notice Jean standing there and moved past him, shoulders scrunched together, a frustrated hand running through her already messy hair.

“Oi! Hange!” captain Levi exclaimed, suddenly appearing by the door frame, running a hand through his hair as well. The bags under his eyes were deeper, as usual, his cravat loose around his neck. His cheeks were slightly flushed, but it was obvious it was not in a good way. He was about to kick the door frame when he finally noticed Jean.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

His voice was a little hoarse, and a chill ran down Jean’s spine as he took all of it in. This was too personal, this was none of his business, and so why was he getting roped in again?

“I was just about to report my departure to Hange-san—”

“Well, she’s obviously not here anymore,” the captain cut off in frustration, his eyes narrowing up at him. Jean didn’t like how he was seeing a new side to captain Levi, didn’t like seeing him so frustrated and lost. “Goddamnit what have I done…” he muttered to himself.

Jean could have just told him he was leaving. He could have just nodded and excused himself, headed straight to the stables, and made his way back to Trost. They would eventually forget about this incident as it would cool down, and all would be well.

But Jean remembered the letters. He remembered those words. He remembered her tired, broken expression from days ago. Jean knew what it was like to be a leader — to have people look up to you and count on you. He knew how it felt to think you weren't good enough, to think you weren’t special and how people shouldn’t trust you because you lacked certain skills or that you weren’t perfect enough. He looked at the captain, stared right into those intimidating gray eyes, and felt a surge of confidence within him.

“Captain, you know her better than anyone else,” Jean spoke, reiterating the Moblit Berner’s words, “What can I do to help her?”

The captain was slightly taken aback by Jean’s words. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, studying him carefully. “Why are you—”

“Because I care about her.” Jean said firmly, “And I respect her. And I want to help.”

Captain Levi simply stared at him. Jean would be lying if he said he didn’t feel awkward. They were still soldiers, after all. Captain Levi was still his superior officer, and having heart-to-heart conversations was something they didn’t essentially do. There wasn’t any room for sharing feelings — it opened up vulnerability and that was something you couldn’t have out in the field. Especially since the battlefield they now had was much wider than before.

Jean was prepared to get shrugged off. He was prepared to leave without getting any answers. But the captain had sighed, fixed the cravat around his neck, and spoke softly: “Come inside.”

It was now Jean’s turn to be taken aback. Nevertheless, he followed the captain inside and was even more taken aback by the sight in front of him.

The commander’s desk and seat were turned upside down, forcibly, he presumed, with books and papers scattered around it. He stopped in the middle of the room and heard the captain sigh as he closed the door behind him. “Help me fix this shit, Jean. I can’t have this lying around here.”

Jean didn’t ask any more questions. He already knew the answers as to how this had happened. He wanted to know why, of course, to satisfy his curiosity, but at the same time, he didn’t. He dropped his satchel on the floor and proceeded to pick up the scattered papers and books, making sure not to step on them as much as possible. The captain also did the same, kneeling down and gathering everything in his arms. Once they were finished, they placed everything on the corner of the room, underneath the right window, and started to turn the desk upright once more. Jean took one side, the captain taking the other, and together they lifted and placed it back where it had originally sat. After which, Jean took the chair and pushed it back against it while the captain took the books and paper and placed everything neatly the desk. They worked in silence the entire time — the friction from their fight or whatever had happened in here a few moments ago, still lingered and Jean was afraid to pierce through it.

“I had served under two commanders,” the captain said suddenly as he filed through each piece of paper. Jean looked up and stared at him. “Shadis was alright — you already know most of his story anyway, but he was still a good leader. He had the drive, but still lacked some of the talents. And then Erwin came along…”

Captain Levi let out a deep sigh as he started inserting some of the papers in between the pages of a book. “Erwin... was a special man. He was one of the greatest assets to humanity. I don’t think I really need to tell you any more now, do I?”

He was right. Erwin Smith had been a special man. He was one of the greatest minds Jean had ever seen. He was an incredible strategist, an inspirational and respectable figure — all that and more. He had a feeling, however, that it wasn’t really about that. Jean was sure the captain just didn’t want to talk about him in general, at the moment. And really, who could blame him? Especially after what had happened on the rooftop?

Jean shook his head and looked down. A few tense seconds passed before the captain continued: “He never made any miscalculations. We all had a feeling Hange would be next in line and we had been right. Hange was the only one who had stood up to him, the one to push forward ridiculous and extreme ideas that could have gotten all of us killed. She thought differently and wanted to look at things from a different perspective. Hange…” at this, Jean looked up to see the captain’s expression light up, “was always the best choice. All of us knew this. All of us but her.”

He sighed and started to mindlessly look through some of the books now. “It’s not easy, being in her position. She thinks she doesn’t deserve it. But she does. I’ve been with Hange for a long time now, Jean. I know you brats are there, but we’re the only ones who just… have each other left. She was there when I had first entered the Corps and had been with me ever since. But Erwin and Moblit? They had been with her way before I was ever in the picture.”

It was the first time he had mentioned the vice captain’s name, and Jean had to stop himself from thinking too much about the letters again. One would think he’d get over it at this point, but it was much harder than he thought.

He continued once more: “Anyway, I’ve never been good with this shit, Jean. But you brats are just real nosey, huh?” he said, and Jean couldn’t tell if he was being serious or playful — maybe both. “The truth is, you being concerned and sticking your nose up to where it doesn’t belong is already helpful. You being here, following each command, and being the leader that you are is helpful. Just by staying alive, you’re already helpful. You, well, you’re already fucking helpful if you ask me. Hange knows this, and it may not look like it, but she’s thankful for all the little shit you and the brats do.”

It had taken him a few seconds to fully understand what the captain had meant, but he eventually did. Jean didn’t know what kind of answer he was expecting, but those words flowed through his heart and made him feel good inside. He didn’t realize he was already doing enough. He was just doing the bare minimum, wasn't he? But the captain had a point. If he continued to stay by their side, to stay by Hange-san’s side and follow her wherever she had lent them, then it could help erase the doubts she had regarding her position. Just by staying alive, he was helping her feel better. Just by being there for as long as possible — just like Moblit and Erwin, like captain Levi — was enough.

But he also had a feeling that the captain didn’t want him, or any of his friends, to worry about their situation. He couldn’t explain it, but those were just the sort of parents did for their children. And though Jean would probably never admit it, Hange-san and the captain were quickly stepping up to be parental figures to them already.

The captain finally took out a single piece of paper from the stacks and held it up slightly. Jean saw it had been the sketch of him and Hange-san, and he couldn’t help but smile at the sight.

“Vice-captain Moblit was really talented, wasn’t he?” Jean finally spoke up. The captain nodded in front of him and traced the outline of Hange-san’s smiling face on paper.

Captain Levi’s lips twitched a little upright. “He really was.”

*******

Though the journey back home was a long and tedious one, Jean was grateful to have had the time to himself to ponder on his thoughts. Captain Levi ordered him, or was it a friendly suggestion? not to speak about this to Hange-san. He then parted to look for her which enabled Jean to finally leave.

He thought a lot about the letters, about the myth Hange-san had told him days ago, about the captain’s words, and even about the late commander Erwin.

The sun was setting when he had arrived home. As he passed through the neighborhood he grew up in, he couldn't help but feel both excited and terrified. The threat of the titans was now over, right? But now they were facing an even bigger menace. Would his home be safe? Would the people they had fought so long to protect inside the walls be safe?

“Jean-boy!”

He turned and saw her face. She stood at the front of their house which surprisingly looked the same after all this time. She was excitedly waving her hand, and once he got closer, he saw that tears were falling from her eyes. Once he stopped in front of her, he quickly dismounted his horse and enveloped him in her arms.

“You’ve grown so big! Oh my boy!” she exclaimed, clutching the back of his shirt and pressing her face against his chest. Jean hugged her back eagerly and tried his best not to let his emotions take over. But it had been a long couple of days. His body still ached from the battle, his brain was consumed by too many thoughts, and his heart still grieved the lives of all of the people they had lost. He couldn’t believe he had taken her warmth and comfort for granted so many times. Who did he think he was, trying to shove her out of his life because he didn’t want to be embarrassed?

“I’m home, mom,” he said, finally closing his eyes and inhaling her scent. She laughed happily before disentangling herself a little, looking up at him to study his face. Her eyes were watery, the lines around them having deepened. Her hair also started to have gray streaks and Jean felt his heart ache at the sight of her much older form. “I have your favorite already waiting for you in the kitchen. I also cleaned your room so you better change and wash up before we eat dinner, alright? I’m so glad you’re here my Jean-boy.” she said, hugging him again.

He truly was home.

*******

A wave of nostalgia hit him the moment he had entered his childhood room. True to her word, everything was neat and tidy. His bed was made, desk free of any clutter, and the window was left a little open to let some of the breezes go in. He exhaled, closing the door behind him and moving to lay on his bed. He was both physically and emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing more now than to close his eyes and sleep. He wondered what the others were doing at this very moment. They had been through together so much that it felt weird not to have any of them near him. It was probably the first time in a long time he was going to sleep in his bed, in his own room, without anyone else around. Letting out a deep sigh, he willed himself to stand up, grab the satchel he had brought with him, and place the contents atop his desk.

As he rummaged through his things, he wondered if there was something he still could do for Hange-san. Though he took the captain’s words to heart, he couldn’t help but feel like doing something for her either way. Something that wasn’t too outrageous that would give her the wrong idea. Something that he himself would do, something that was uniquely his. Afterall, the captain said that just by doing what he did, he would be able to help. He eventually found his answer when he opened one of the drawers of his desk and found his old sketches and art supplies from long ago.

He immediately stopped what he was doing and gingerly took out his old artworks. The passion he felt was still there, tingling the back of his neck as he stared at the portrait of the woman he had seen in his dreams. His lips tightened as he realized that the woman he had drawn resembled Mikasa so much. He really only had eyes for her from the very beginning, huh? Shaking his head, he looked through some of his old work and realized then and there exactly what he needed to do.

He may not be as good as the vice-captain, but it was the least he could do. Besides, maybe once he went through with this little project, he would finally be able to release all his thoughts about this matter. He was relieved to see there was still some paper and pencils left. Nodding his head, he closed the window, placed the papers back down, and proceeded to change into a cleaner and much more comfortable shirt. He’ll have time to do this later after dinner. But for now, there some much-needed time to be spent with his family.

*******

He found himself back in front of the commander’s office once again, days later. This time, he carried with him two scrolls of paper. He stopped and listened intently, making sure no one was arguing behind the doors before knocking.

He let himself in the moment he heard Hange-san’s voice. She was seated behind her desk, finally sporting a dark patch on her injured eye. “Ah, welcome back, Jean. Did you need anything from me?” she asked as Jean closed the door behind him.

“I just came by to drop some things off for you, Hange-san,” he spoke lightly, feeling incredibly nervous. He scratched the back of his head as he approached her quietly.

She looked so much better this time around. She had discarded her military coat and her bolo tie was tied securely around her neck for the world to see. Her glasses were impeccably clean and gleamed when she looked up at him, her hair nicely framing her face. She seemed much more relaxed, and it didn’t feel like when she was going through meetings and such where she acted fine. This time, she actually did look genuinely alright and at peace.

Jean wondered how she and the captain had spent those three days. He had a feeling, once again, that they had spent it together. He could tell that the captain had something to do with the improved state she was currently in. Either way, Jean was happy to see her like this.

“I… had seen vice-captain Moblit’s sketches,” Jean started right off at the bat, not wanting to make a bigger deal out of this than it already was. He saw more than the sketches, of course, but she didn’t need to know that. The commander didn’t look upset or surprised, which made Jean continue: “And I had been sort of an artist too, you see, but obviously not as good as him.”

He carefully handed her the two scrolls of paper, and she raised an eyebrow before taking it from his grasp. “When I returned home and saw my old work, I realized that I wanted to do something for you, Hange-san. No one put me up to this, and I hope, for my sake, you don’t tell the others.”

He added that last part, a light blush dusting his cheeks. If any of his friends found out about his old hobby, they would tease him to no end and demand to see some of his old work.

She carefully inspected the two scrolls before putting down the second one and gingerly opening the first. She gasped, her hand flying straight to her mouth as she looked on and stared at the portrait in front of her.

“Oh Jean…” she said, her voice cracking with emotion, “I can’t believe you did this.”

Jean had a pretty good memory of things. He remembered the vice captain’s worried, concerned face. He remembered the former commander’s authoritative expression. And of course, how could he forget captain Levi’s tiny smirk or Hange-san’s bright eyes?

It felt awkward, putting those visions on paper. He felt his heart clench at the sight of his portraits. But he powered through, and Hange-san’s expression made it all worth it.

She traced her fingers over the etched lines. She lingered, he noticed, over commander Erwin’s and vice-captain Moblit’s face. She smiled and laughed brightly as tears now streamed from her remaining eye. Jean had drawn them all together, side by side, arms around one another. It had been a product of his imagination, but he had to admit it wasn’t as bad as he thought.

“Why? How?” she said, her voice breaking. She placed down the paper and gently removed her glasses to wipe some of the tears from her face.

Jean looked down and shuffled his feet, “He never really had any portraits of all of you together. I thought well, that shouldn’t be the case.”

“Do I even want to know what’s in the other one?” she said teasingly before clearing her throat and putting her glasses back on. Her smile was absolutely infectious, and Jean was happy it was seemingly etched permanently onto her face.

“I think you do,” he said, clearing his throat as well. That particular portrait was the first one he had finished, and he loved how it had turned out. He was also grateful for the creative outlet. He had to admit, he missed indulging in these kinds of things. Who knew when the next time he’d be able to do something like this again?

Hange-san laughed — a bright and beautiful melody that continued to light up the room. She shifted her attention to the unopened scroll, picked it up, and proceeded to unroll it. However, unlike the first one, she remained silent, her eyes widening at the sight. A few minutes had passed before she pursed her lips, her fingers shaking a little, before rolling it back up and setting it back down on her desk. She studied Jean carefully, and he could tell that perhaps she was picking up on the idea that he may have read those letters. Nevertheless, she stood up, shook her head, and quickly strolled to him and hugged him.

“Thank you, Jean,” she said after a few seconds, and Jean allowed himself to snake his hands behind her and hug her back. He closed his eyes and a small part of him reprimanded himself for being so soft, for sticking his nose into other people’s business, for doing all of these rather embarrassing things. But life was short. He needed to express his feelings to others before it was too late. He needed to tell people he cared about them before it was too late. He felt the magnitude of her gratitude from those small, common words. From the way she had tightly clutched the back of his shirt. They pulled away — the hug being a rather brief and short thing, just as captain Levi entered the room.

“What are you two doing?” he asked, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms. Jean turned around to see a curious and wary expression on his face. Hange-san laughed behind him, and Jean then and there witnessed how the captain softened at the sound. His shoulders relaxed, his lips parted slightly, and his eyes gleamed in wonder.

“Nothing,” Hange-san sang as she approached him. “Are you ready to go?”

“The horses are already waiting for us,” the captain said gruffly, but Jean could tell he was pleasantly surprised by the commander’s tone and attitude. “What are you and Jean—”

“I’ll tell you later, okay?” she spoke heartily, moving to grab her civilian coat from the coat stand by the door. “We’ll be meeting with some of the press, alright Jean? We’ll be back later tonight. I believe Levi over here is planning on cooking for everyone.”

“Oi! That was supposed to be a secret!” the captain exclaimed, his eyes sneering at her. Hange-san shrugged before approaching Jean and laying a hand on his shoulder. She smiled at him once again which Jean reciprocated. She whispered another “thank you” before patting his head affectionately. “Please don’t tell the others, Hange-san,” he spoke quietly, only for her to hear.

“I won’t.” she assured, “But you have to know that I can’t keep anything from this grump right here,” she said, her head tilting towards the captain’s direction.

“What are you idiots talking about?” the captain eyed suspiciously, moving to approach them.

“I know.” Jean scoffed, his eyes gleaming. Hange-san nodded before swiftly looping her arm around the captain’s and dragging him out the room. “Come on! We’re going to be late!”

Jean followed them out the door and saw their figures moving down the hallway. Captain Levi stopped her suddenly as if asking her once again what she and Jean had been doing. The commander laughed before patting his head affectionately which then made the captain gently kick her leg. He then started to inspect her coat, straightening it out before buttoning the front. Jean shook his head at the soft and sweet gesture in front of him. He looked back inside the office to where the drawings he had and quietly went back in and approached the desk.

He carefully lifted the second scroll and opened it. He didn’t really know what kind of reaction he was expecting from Hange-san, but so far she didn’t really give away anything obvious. He was certain that she had read those letters. But it felt as if she just wanted to move on from them, and thinking about it, that would be the best course of action wasn’t it?

He stared at the portrait. They weren’t really close by any standards. Thinking about it, they probably just had two or three conversations the entire time Jean had known him. But his utter devotion was enough to catch anyone’s attention. Jean hoped he was able to catch them and had translated it properly on paper. There were hundreds of sketches of Hange-san and everyone else, but there weren’t any of just them together. He had drawn him the way he knew him — face scrunched up in concern as he looked onto her. He had a hand placed on her shoulder, and Hange-san was laughing at whoever was in front of her.

Slowly, with his other hand that wasn’t holding the portrait, Jean placed a fist over his heart in a salute.

Thank you for dedicating your heart.

*******

Dear Buntaichou,

I’ve decided to start writing to you like this in the event I should get a heart attack and die from your irresponsibility. I also needed to let out my frustration through a healthy matter. I really don’t understand as to why you would charge headfirst into a forest, all by yourself, and try to capture a titan. How you managed to get away with screaming at the commander and still having all your limbs attached today is a miracle. I’m glad Captain Levi and his squad were able to intervene and help stop you from getting eaten. I’m glad you’re okay. At this time, you’re currently locked in your room, devouring whatever is inside the notebook you found. Maybe you’ll finally be able to convince commander Erwin with your discoveries? Still, you could have died. No matter how much I try to stop you, you always try and go at it, huh?

That was so very stupid of you. How are you so brilliant and stupid at the same time?

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou,

DID YOU REALLY ALMOST FALL OFF THE WALL?! I’m so glad my grandmother forbade me to curse because I would have exclaimed a variety of colorful language at you during that entire situation.

It was our first test run of your titan capturing method, and all would have been well if you weren’t leaning too far and, I don’t know, SLIPPED?

It was a good thing captain Levi had incredible reflexes and had gotten to you just in time. He seems very attuned to whenever you put yourself in danger, isn’t he? I could have sworn he was just waiting for something bad to happen. I also could have sworn I was going to get a heart attack then and there.

Why are you so reckless and stupid? Great, now I feel bad for calling you that. But hey, I need to let it out, okay? Don’t take it personally. But then again, captain Levi pretty much calls you that daily and you seem to find it endearing.

I’m also so worried about when we start experimenting on titans. By the walls, you’re not going to make it easy for me, are you? Just please don’t die.

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou,

I knew you weren’t going to make things easy for me. I have to admit, you giving names to those titans was pretty strange — but it was still rather cute. Only if you weren’t going crazy about it.

I feel like I say that as if it’s a new thing. But then again, back in our training days, you were relatively calm. You always indulge yourself in books and go out of your way to try and learn new things. Those were nice and calm days, weren’t they? You’ve always piqued my interest from the very beginning especially since you were the only one who pronounced our instructor’s name wrong.

Why am I bringing this up? Anyway, if this is the last letter you read it means that I was eaten by Albert or whoever that other titan was. We can’t afford to lose you, you know? That’s one of the things I’ve learned so far anyway. That some lives in the Survey Corps matter more than the others, and I would gladly get eaten by a titan if it means you’d live another day.

I don’t mean to make you feel guilty or anything of the sort. This is just how I feel.

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou,

How do you do it? It seems you’re the only person (besides commander Erwin, well, it’s a given) who has full control over captain Levi. You’ve managed to persuade him to capture a titan for you, and though he complained about it, he still did it anyway.

Since you’ll never get these letters while I’m still alive, I can probably be as honest as possible.

I think that he has feelings for you.

Now, I hope by the time you read this, he’s made it obvious to you by then. And I know it seems like a stretch, cause well, he’s captain Levi and everything and he doesn’t seem like he’s capable of those types of emotions, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you.

I think it started when you ran off to the forest and he followed you. I read the reports of what had happened, and it seemed he was really shaken. We also work a lot with their squad, so there’s a lot of room for things to blossom then I suppose.

I know I sound incredibly foolish. And I’m telling you right now, I’m completely sober as I write this. But it’s just something I can tell, something that doesn’t seem too far-fetched. He cares about you a lot.

Now I need a drink. I don’t know what’s going on with me.

— Moblit

*******

Dear Buntaichou,

I think you have feelings for captain Levi.

This is an even more outrageous claim than the one in my previous entry, and because I’m always glued to your side, I feel like I know more than others do.

It’s been a while since I wrote my thoughts on here. It’s been a rough couple of days? Weeks? I forgot. So much has happened. I don’t want to delve too much into the details but essentially, we had engaged with the female titan outside the walls, then inside Stohess district, then the armored and colossal titan. I also finished investigating Ragako — Connie Springer’s village. I haven’t had enough rest these days. A lot of us haven’t. And though I feel incredibly exhausted and want to make use of these couple of days of peace before we head onto Trost, I felt like jotting some of the things I had witnessed between you and the captain.

I know this is really silly of me. But forgive me again, this is the only outlet I have. Don’t worry, I’ve already jotted down the important findings in the middle pages of this journal/sketchbook. But I’m starting to feel things myself. Feelings I didn’t know I could feel either.

Anyway, you had visited him when he was still in the hospital, getting some treatment for his injured leg. You had dismissed me that day, saying you were going to him.

I also had caught you lending him one of your jackets. And though he had protested, he still eagerly wore it.

Not to mention the number of times I had caught you making tea for him. How did I know? Well, no one else touched the tin of black tea in the mess hall but Captain Levi. So it had been an easy assumption.

There are a lot more instances, but I can’t seem to bring myself to put them on paper. I don’t know why — maybe there are just too many, maybe I just don’t want to recall them. I think maybe both.

Either way, it seems as if you two have feelings for one another now. I’m glad. I’m also glad that you’re okay, that you’re alive, that you’re still here. Hopefully, that will continue to last long.

— Moblit

*******

Dear Hange-san,

I think… that this will be my last letter.

I know it’s been a long time since I last updated this series of letters (we haven’t exactly had a lot of free time) and as we are preparing to return to Shiganshina, I felt the need to address everything here and now. Seeing as there’s a high probability I might not make it back.

The moment I first met you back when we were cadets in the Training Corps, you had captured my attention almost immediately. Your hair had been way shorter back then so there wasn’t any need to tie it up into a ponytail. Other than that, your eyes always remained bright, your laugh was always infectious. When you had told me back then how you wanted to see the world beyond the walls, I had thought you to be crazy. My family had always wanted me to enlist in the Garrison, especially since I had a lot of relatives there. But the moment you started talking about what life could be like, about different plants and trees, about different types of animals — the way you had smiled up at me and used your hands excessively to discuss your points — I knew then and there that I would follow you wherever you went.

Going into the Survey Corps was absolutely terrifying. But being with you, helping you, and staying by your side had made it worth it.

The amount of times you almost died, the amount of times you had put yourself in danger is just too much to count. The number of times you had made me worried — well, let’s just say I’m glad my heart didn’t suffer any complications. Or maybe it has and I just don’t know.

Seriously, you’re too reckless sometimes, you know? But I can’t help but admire you still. You do it because you desire to change because you want to understand our natural enemies. You’re the only one I’ve met who thinks that way, and people have mentioned more than once that you’re really crazy, and perhaps they’re right, but you’re also the most brilliant of all of them combined.

And because of this, you have captured my heart.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but I can’t find it in me to talk about all of them. I don’t know why this happened, how this happened, or if I was too obvious. But knowing you, you probably wouldn’t know if someone had romantic feelings for you even if it hit you straight in the face. After all, this is exactly what’s going on between you and captain Levi.

I know for certain now that he loves you. I had a hunch before, but I know now. I could tell by the nicknames he gave you, from how angry he was when you fell during our battle, how he went to visit you, multiple times, after that incident. How when he sees me alone in the corridor or something, he always asks about you. How in every mission we go, he always looks at you, as if he’s engraving your image into his memory should one of you not make it. How he captured a titan for you. How he knows how you take your tea and how he always goes to your side for comfort. How he basically forces you to take a bath. How he just knows you and understands your entirety as a human being.

It all makes sense now. I suppose, if you didn’t pay attention much to it, you’d think it was something else entirely. Just a comrade looking out for another comrade. But his eyes, oh his eyes always say otherwise. He loves you and I hope by the time you read this, you’re well aware of that fact.

And I also hope you’re well aware that you love him too.

I could tell by how you tease him almost to no end. By how you always talk about him, either positively or negatively. How you just know when he's around as if you have a keen sense just for him. How you translate his words for others (he’s not very good at those). How even when he’s fuming angry or irritated, you seem to be the only one who can get him to calm down. How you had visited him multiples times after his injury. How you just knew all that information about him living with Kenny the Ripper as if you two had discussed the life he had led before. How you know exactly how he takes his tea. How you always make it a point to celebrate his birthday despite our lack of funds. How you just know him and trust him so well.

You love him, Hange-san. You love him so much. Dare I say you love him as equally if not more as your titans and your research. What you two have is something so special I doubt anyone inside the walls has the same kind of bond.

I wanted that with you.

You both deserve happiness together. But I know that’s not possible. Especially with the world we live in.

I just wanted you to know this before it’s too late. I want you to know that should I never come back by your side, that you always have him. That he treasures you. Perhaps… even more than I do.

Enclosed in this journal are all the findings in research we collected through the years. And so are these letters. And so are some… portraits I had done myself. I hope you like them.

If you’re reading this, then that means you have survived and may or may not be the new commander. Hange-san, I hope you remember that you are life itself, that you are so brilliant and amazing, and that you continue to give others an inexpressible joy. You have enriched my life (despite almost killing me multiple times). I know you will do a fantastic job as commander. That’s because, well, you’re you. You’re Hange. I wish I could elaborate more but it is what it is.

There’s so much more I want to say. So much more I want to tell you. But there isn’t any time nor can I bring myself to put any of it on paper. You also should be expecting me on the training grounds in a couple of minutes from now to continue Eren’s experiments. So I suppose, I’ll just leave you with this:

… I love you.

Sincerely, Moblit Berner.

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frogtanii · 3 years

Note

It’s wind anon! (Imagine me as the screeching seagull meme) just pushing through the week. Getting the test out of my mind—it just sucks because there’s always this one test that I completely mess up on—and as someone who has to deal with all honors classes and my grades tend to be good, every time I fail to meet up to expectations my stress skyrockets. (Imagine a world where grades don’t matter and school is learning based rather than mark based...) Family pressures too—okay, wind anon is done ranting.

The update! The drama—I was there the moment it updated and I saw the comments rush in and I was laughing real hard.

But my reaction to the update!

Osamu POV :0!!! The insecurity... “all it did was remind him that he was alone”— I empathize because gosh, that is so real.

The attachment to Meiko though... his emotional state is on a very unstable tightrope. “Osamu had Meiko and he used to have Daichi and Iwaizumi...” that entire section has all my red flags raised. He’s going to completely break when everything comes out.

The loud clang startled me though. I was like “!!!” But it was our YN! Our kind, wonderful YN!! Trying to get snacks wwwwww.

Osamu thinking YN is cute :0 I be having a lot of thoughts about that but him squishing it down is fair. He considers himself to be in a committed relationship (though Meiko does not reciprocate and I am ready to fight regarding that) but I can respect his devotion (even if it is very misguided).

But. “After all, you were the reason Atsumu hated him now and never spoke to him anymore.” My gosh. What do I even say about this? Because the blame is entirely thrown off. I mean, you mentioned before Atsumu had a specific reason for believing in you over Meiko so I’m still waiting for that but Osamu is thinking something wrong but it’s a human action. It’s so easy to blame people to make yourself feel better. And your brain can do it without you realizing the depths of what has been thought.

Osamu being angry (!!!) and being a complete utter douche. YN literally just wanted a bag of chips and you’re here, crowding them in the pantry and being hostile. I don’t have much to say about it because he realized his mistake but by then he already stressed YN really badly and I am...(long sigh).

Atsumu to the rescue. We appreciate Atsumu very very much in this house. It really sucks that Osamu and Atsumu are confronting like this—I mean, Atsumu has been fighting a bit and Osamu had not really been listening to Atsumu on his own end prior to this confrontation so I’m...exhausted and a bit sad in the “It can’t be helped” kind of way.

“Osamu allowed him to, too in shock and ashamed to protest, much less fight back.” It couldn’t be helped considering how everything developed but...it still hurts my chest a bit, y’know? And then Osamu tries to apologize and I’m ready (so so ready) for them to communicate because they desperately need to—

But then Meiko comes in (I am...ready to throw stuff at her. Lots of stuff. Packing peanuts. All squeaky and annoying and bad for the environment just like she is—or something like that, I dunno, I’m half dead because I’m dealing with cramps rn) and all my wishes for them to finally have that much needed conversation where Osamu can finally break down and cry—all my wishes are turned to ash like.

(Angry Wind anon noises)

Meiko rubbing her makeup all over Osamu’s shirt like he is a rag. What in the... And her 4 inch heels please, I cannot, why, I can’t deal with this, I can’t, don’t make me get close to her because I’m like Yachi (stressed out of my mind). Please don’t do this to me. But yeah, Meiko with her poor makeup that doesn’t stay on her face. What the heck....

And Meiko’s scent... gross. Like, brown sugar, cute, nice, baked goods do smell really nice, (ever add a bunch of vanilla extract to a recipe? It like, perfumes around everywhere, it’s insane and wonderful) but chances are (because it’s Meiko), it’s overbearingly sweet. Chinese food (I do not trust her taste in Chinese food to be frank), I happen to come from a Chinese family, I have Chinese food for dinner like everyday, it would take a lot to be able to get that sort of scent on you. And I do mean a lot. And hairspray??? Chemical? I do not,,, I,,, Osamu, why would you breathe that in? It’s gonna be real bad for your lungs? And we already know Meiko smokes as well—your lung health, please value it—

And then the Suna entrance. Wonderfully done fr0ggy!

Final thoughts, I am very much projecting onto Yachi rn. Yachi has been in the house for less than a week and she already has to deal with this. The company should give her a raise. My gosh.

Anyway, might as well do a thoughts/headcanon thing because it’s been a while and my mind is still on gem/jewel stuff (so hope you don’t mind!)

Okay, so Kenma I think would go with a warm colored gemstone, and citrine would work well with him! “Protection against evil thoughts” because we know Meiko has ramped up is insecurity and lowered his self-esteem.

I mentioned this before last time but Sakusa is definitely onyx. That black is iconic, and “sharpening wit” would make sense with his grace for word play and snark.

Akaashi is an interesting one...I think sapphire. I mean, sapphire can have many colors besides the classic dark blue, so that’s one thing, but it’s known for “loyalty and a pledge of trust” which Akaashi gave. I think it’s suitable for him.

Suga...initially I was thinking pearl would match him in terms of appearance, but actually looking at my reference, turquoise would work really really well with him. “Protect from evil, maintain virtue, bring good luck”. Would work well.

For Atsumu and Osamu I wanted something that could represent their duality. My first thought was gold and silver. I mean, it’d fit in terms of appearance but I’m not sure that would be the best comparison. Gold doesn’t rust so it fits Atsumu who never fell for Meiko’s tricks. Silver has been said to vanquish dark/evil beings (vampires, werewolves, the classic silver bullets and stakes). It would be interesting to see if the comparison will apply to today’s update :D!

I like how my brain shut off and couldn’t remember anyone else for a second—anyway, Oikawa... every time I think of him, I want some hue of blue wwww. I guess Aquamarine “soothing influence” would work. Since he joined YN’s side, he has been able to see the big picture and be a voice of reason. He’s thoughtful and I think aquamarine which encourages long relationships is suitable because that is what he wanted. So yes, aquamarine.

Bokuto...is a tough one. I’m trying to still keep with their color schemes a bit. I think carnelian would work. “Health, luck, bold energy, warmth, joy”—it would represent him fine. It’s a bit more orange than I would prefer but it suits him so I think it’s okay.

Iwaizumi... emerald? I mean, he does suit green tones, and “rebirth, regeneration, new hope” would work just fine for him.

Right now my brain is complete mush and I can’t think of anything for Kuroo and Daichi. Like, Kuroo would be red, sure, but the more famous ruby/garnet I think don’t represent him fully because he is still rather contained. Hmm, would need to think about them more.

But I’d like your thoughts on this too :D!!

I wanna do something suitable for all colors for YN, so opal! YN has many different parts and colors and is overall a very vivid person—if you tilt opal, you see more and more faces and things underneath being brought into your eyes. YN may be seen from many different perspectives, but YN is always beautiful and amazing. So opal is what I think YN would be.

Anyway, I’ll end here :D! Need to eat lunch. Much love towards you fr0ggy! Make sure you eat and rest up too~ drink some water or any other fluid to hydrate! And keep warm too. Much love to all the fans and supporters and ask senders too! It’s really awesome seeing and hearing from all of you and seeing new faces with the old. Love the excitement and points you all bring up—makes my brain happy.

MAJDKD I NEED TO POST THE NEW CHAPTER BUT I HAD TO RESPOND TO THIS FIRST BESTIE ILY N I LOVE TUIS — I AM OBSESSED W THE CRYSTAL (??) STUFF??? IVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT BUT I THINK YOIVE EXPLAINED EACH GEM N WHY SO BEAUTIFULLY I AM IN LOVE W U KITH KITH UR SO LOVELY HAVE AN AMAZING DAY (sending u good vibes n anti-stress love >333)

#j’s asks #anons babey #℗ poker face #wind anon

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smndragon · 3 years

Note

HI HI HI HOW ARE YOU?

ME:fine

My big three are Pisces sun 11th house (if houses are allowed), capricorn moon 8th house (💀) and Taurus rising!

And yes most of my planets are in detriment 🥲

Thank you luv! Take your time 💞

First off I had to sit up in bed it's so late here (I'm fine I'm watching history stuff rn on the Victorian era)

Second off let's go hm. This is honestly gonna be awkward. My methods are confusing I'm sorry and sometimes I may mix energies😭 Pisces sun, Capricorn moon, and Taurus rising. Have to turn my tv down to connect. (Took my hair down so I'm feeling more energy and I love it)

NO MORE STALLING I NEED TO DO THIS. the Pisces sun and Capricorn moon are reaching out more than Taurus rising. (Possibly form reading those first lol) when I see the pisces I see flames for some reason? Something cold along those lines, the fire feels like I could pass through it dancing and it wouldn't burn me one bit. The Pisces sun is retracting it's touch so going to come back in a bit. Multiple marionettes are in the distance of the Pisces sun home, women and men all alike in fashionable ballet poses. Hung up on the walls with black paper. The walls of a weirdly enough idol? I see fairy lights of cool colors and bright lights. The walls are blue and white, color changing over and over. I don't see the Pisces until typing this, in the middle of the room, on pillows of all arctic tones. (My screen broke so typing this hurts my eyes kinda sorry for typos) the Pisces takes the form of a wise and authentic sheep or lamb. Fish in bottles cover the rooms shelves and book holdings. Many jars of items never seen before by modern eyes or old. (Though they do seem modern in a way I just ramble and write this all at once sorry) from the dancers I believe you may enjoy the finer arts of things related, or stand in your kitchen with songs or silence somehow making your own music. The pictures move on the walls creating fairytales and stories of all kinds. Leaning towards probable loss of childhood or the indulgence in stories close to your heart. The Pisces sun may be placed in the chest, lower stomach, or left hip? It cools your heart sometimes but you do seem very warm. I keep thinking of Hans Christian Andersen and his stories in my mind, possible Disney adaptions. Your Pisces sun offers warm hot chocolate to it's passerbys, the walls turn to the form of an iced igloo (possible misspelling) the place your Pisces sun offers in other people's hearts is undeniable, true to their beliefs and nature, sweaters adorn it's wool. Possible love for warmth and bigger clothing unless parties come around. I feel the Pisces sun could offer difficulty in relationships because of its worrying nature at times, the Pisces is more fiery than common belief but it still holds meek under certain presences. "Hide me" it keeps saying, moving from it's pillows to behind me. It loves it's host too much, it has been with you in more cases than just this lifetime, I feel it new it would reach you someday as most zodiacs do. The sun's eyes are so wide they hold galaxies, love for stars and hearts or heads filled with the knowledge of them. Curiosity has killed this sign so many times it stopped looking on its own. Your host body helps it explore and it thanks you for that.

THIS IS SO LONG ALREADY.

Your Capricorn moon is dear to you. It sometimes pushes the Pisces sun over in order to make room for itself. It takes the form of a bull, headfirst hitting your heart with it's passion and longing. It shakes the core of your other zodiacs, waking them every morning like an alarm. This could possibly cause headaches, pain in your sided, or heartburn? The dark sleek hairs on the bull have gifted you the roots of your hair (not color just strength and devotion to grow). I now see the possibility of baldness at some point? Either by choice or you've thought "f*ck it why not?" But didn't go through. The bull had a golden cow ring, it shines in distance. The light creates a desert image to the people witnessing it. The Capricorn moon entices the mystery and wanting form others that gods had gifted its patrons. Your hair is a natural element of your being. I see messy mornings with a toothbrush in the holder. Standing in front of the mirror a host looks into their eyes looking for the Capricorn. A tiny bit of reminiscence is the eyelashes of your eye and the marks on your skin either moles or beauty wise. I saw an image of a cow looking birthmark and that's adorable but not a probable so ignore. "Love" it tells you this with every hit of its horns on your heart. Love until you're bleeding but not when you're burnt. Carry it's fire and temper and show it to anyone who pains your loved ones or crosses its borders. Don't flush people out, just learn that you will always matter and the Capricorn moon will always be there. It has engraved it's initials in the form of hooves so far deep into your flesh you will never not feel it. I see clear skin which could have been helped with facial products or natural and pure sweat. The bulls hard work always pay off, and the sweat at the end of the day will always be a sign of its natural influence. Highly intelligent and most utterly gorgeous. Okay well while I was writing this it took a turn and started coming after me so we'll leave it there. I keep coming back here god, sickness or flus were common once to your body or mind, the pain has washed over (past current or future?) Placement definitely near the heart or lungs. They seems cracked in the future, avoid smoking.

I feel I haven't given enough information hopefully it'll give more later on.

"hold me" "me, me, me" I keep hearing it form your signs. The Taurus ascendant loves the fire of your Capricorn moon. It admires the reigning image of the zodiac and wishes to connect with it. Often they hide away from you in dreams, enjoying thoughts and snacks, talking of what's to come in the next hosts life. (They still love you don't worry) you leave them wondering how they got here, how their host became the person they are now. They whisper congratulations to you in your sleep, sometimes wandering your housing area, looking for parts of you in every little thing. The Pisces sun seems more isolated from the rest but they force them to deal with their presence. (Pieces secretly loves it) the Taurus rising works exactly well with the bull Capricorn, waking the same and sleeping the same. It love to chat and talk the boots off of your conscience. Arguing it should be able to hold some power and that the consequences will be worthit. They honestly need to take a break, I thought of them in stripper boots and heels pointing at the sun💀 I'm guessing that's the house of your mind in the desolate desert. The Taurus rising offers crops and room for experience and experimenting growth. Crops of corn, greens, and etc. It carries fields and fields of cropping on its back. Dealing with your struggles by coating them in salt and good food. This makes me think there's a possibility people think you take things too lightly. That's not always the case you just worry over and are both tired of it at the same time possibly. You've down your work and you don't owe much to this world unless you offer. Retract your hand if you need please you deserve it. Lay back with shades and swim wear even in the broad neighborhood those people's thoughts shouldn't matter. The Taurus rising has taken your burdens, it worries not for your future as it plans on keeping close eyes on the plants and fields in your chest and body. Vines of fruits of all kinds grow on the legs area, possible things associated with that area in life or mind.

All in all your signs balance you with love, kindness in the form of drinks, handshakes between all time friends, warm goodbyes, lovely future meals, and more. They care for you and no matter what your decision is they appreciate your thoughts. Your method is precise, always carry on and back it up.

For future health I see fevers and malnourishment, not to worry with your friends and loved ones in the future or from the past. Possible miscarriage if heavily dosed on certain things, I see birth control, pain relievers, and stuff to take the edge off involving cars. Careful driving. Honestly, hit your head on the steering wheel when you're stressed it's been a long time coming and it'll heal🤍 you have a good proportioned body. Skin is soft and loved by all who see it. Your smile is so intoxicating it should take place of the sun. "Hold your friends close and your enemies closer" I saw that and I love the vibe it gives off, feels like a mob boss person and I dig it. Keep doing you, I don't see many problems just keep going you're doing great and the afterlife that you believe in or even if not at all is prepared with roses and decorative caskets filled with all your most fashionable items. The Taurus brings out fashion and luxury so it's not a surprise you may like the finer afterlife you've got all set up. Kiss the devil if you see him he adores you (not wishing bad just saw it). I keep seeing people form peaky blinders. Possible other zodiac influence is Gemini, Virgo sun or moon, I see the weird word hysteria, other Capricorns tend to attract so gl I think you may know some placements. Based on the houses with my knowledge your sun in the 11th is a good place to be it gives a communal and work influenced life. People like your ideas and the friendships are worth while, you bring a hope to people that isn't needed sometimes but is always there, feels like an office friend situation. Possible job friendships and popularity. Capricorn moon in 8th tells me you have cardinal secrets, both zodiac and sins. It's not on my knowledge just a feeling, but it isn't wrong you've been redeemed in almost every culture and religion, I see you may not have strong religion in the basic stuff but you do care for culture. You spend your time admiring the loves of other nations, countries, religions, lifestyle, and more design and architecture came up 3d modeling too I feel like the little baby 3d model kit is something you need to try with a family member, lover, or friend, it's gonna be a bit messy but you'll like it some bit. I don't get know what detriment is sorry but I feel I got somewhat through that it made me think of mental health, hardships, and overall security somehow idk. Ask for more if you want I feel I forgot stuff and this has been so long sorry.

COMING BACK TO REALIZE I MISSED ENERGY COLORS! Taurus ascendant is a warm orange, dry sun rays and heated lamps are seen, the colors loved by those in hot weather used to it. The Pisces sun is cool with blues, grey's, whites, and a tiny smudge of yellow in soft swirls. Particles surround it. Capricorn moon is overly intimidating me right now. It glares so much god. It's color is dark blues mixed with purples and sea refuge vibes. Deep sea diving why don't they. The colors could create pallets only seen by me. They are honestly really beautiful.

HONESTLY WHAT AM I DOING ITS 4 AM NOW. okay description wise. I see short it average person. Possibly tall but idk I doubt myself during these but they seem to be right when I do???? Hesitation is a problem with me. I'd say 5'2-5'6 possible 5'7 or even 6'0 your energy says I'm huge don't ignore me so what's happening. Age could be somewhere to late teens through late or mid twenties (using basic knowledge it's not likely you aren't so open as a young teenager but your aura says you're young as ever. Your skin I want to say is dark tanned yet still seen as white but the Indian part makes me doubt. My mother is what looks white you'd never guess so I thought possible brown to black hair maybe even possibly a light brown? (Vague I'm so sorry) I see a beauty mark on your arm, inner thighs somewhere. Your lover now or in the future has a possible tendency to kiss you all over at times? Random. Your clothing style is bold yet meek. You wear things not expected in the season but still fits within the cultures of seasonal beauty. Rock hair would suit you ngl in my mind it's the smallest maybe. You have many boots and few heels possibly, possibly to add height though given since duh that what they're kind for. I see a red car somewhere idk ignore that. Possible relations to the goddess Hera in some way, she gifts you with few of her talents, some being a pathway of unseen gold. Do more crazy poses don't care if it's weird do it. Memories do it for the memories. I see many Taurus themes possible soulmate bond placement if you believe in that (I have theories against the basic soulmate thing but I still like it).

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dreaminpetals · 3 years

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SLAMS FISTS AGAINSTS TABLE i need more wlw content RN !!! but if u could write general dating hcs of margie nd patricia (seperately nd fem s/o) id really appreciate that ! thank u <3

💸 general romantic hcs for margie and patricia 🔮 . . .

margaretha zelle ;;

♡ after that disastrous relationship with her estranged husband, margie decided that men don't exist anymore and women are the only people who matter.

♡ she was interested in you the moment you arrived at the manor, the way you carried yourself captivated her and every interaction she had with you left her craving more. margie has unusually high standards so consider yourself extremely lucky that she even spared you a glance... let alone staring at you and daydreaming about sipping wine by the poolside together.

♡ loves to dance with you and perform for you, when she rehearses you're the one who gives her tips for improvement or ideas on what moves she could add.

♡ cannot hit high notes when she sings but when she sings under her breath and pairs it with relaxing tunes from her music boxes, they soothe you to sleep whenever you're having difficulties dozing off.

♡ she wants to give you a luxurious life, one full of riches and gold. margie idolizes the idea of getting to settle down with someone in a lush home with several walk in closets and a pool. she dreams of being far away from the buzz of modern society and to only have her wifey and a bunch of poodles.

♡ i'm not saying she's a sugar mommy but she has sugar mommy....tendencies.

♡ you both love spoiling each other, your relationship is almost a competition of who can spend more money on the other.

♡ loves when you cook for her!!! give her wine and a fancy meal over a candlelit table and she'll be wrapped around your finger for the night.

♡ would buy you matching heart shaped lockets with an anniversary picture of you two inside, the back of the locket has the date you got together on it :)

♡ every wednesday she holds girls nights with vera, fiona, helena etc and you always get matched with margie during 7 minutes in heaven, you insist that she's rigging the game somehow but she denies it and says maybe fate loves to bring you together (she's rigging it, everyone is, the whole game is set up to make the girls get paired with their crushes lol)

♡ sweet talks you often, she isn't shy about declaring that you're her dearie, doll, melody, or princess.

♡ always asking if you've eaten, slept, or seen the gift she dropped off a few hours ago... queen of making sure you take care of yourself.

♡ bubble baths with you are her favourite way to cool off after a long day, her days as an animal tamer lead to her having a soft spot for rubber duckies 🥺

♡ loves to doll you up and help you with glittery makeup looks or wigs, i'd imagine she would enjoy photoshoots as well.

♡ big picky eater, she sneaks you food when something doesn't meet her standards.

♡ once she feels truly comfortable around you and is confident you're the love of her life, she'll ask to be called natalie. you know more than her dancer persona so you deserve to address her accordingly <3

patricia dorval ;;

♡ patricia had never even considered romance, her whole life has been spent on the run, devoting all her energy into mastering powerful magic with her adoptive mother.

♡ it took her a long time to realize she was crushing on you.

♡ whenever patricia collected herbs you were always there to help her, she would demand to be left alone and boast about how she didn't need anyone's help, but you were more persistent than she was.

♡ patricia had to admit she enjoyed your company, while she was prickly towards other people she found it easy to warm up to you and even found herself placing you as a priority in battle, she couldn't focus on anything if you were in any sort of danger.

♡ what finally spilled her feelings over the edge was when her hand brushed against yours as you placed poisonous herbs into a basket together, she drew in your warmth and immediately grabbed both of your hands in hers.

♡ "y/n, i must admit... these strange feelings in my heart like butterflies... they are for you! i am in love with you." she winced at her blunt delivery but everything was okay when her eyes opened and she saw you beaming at her, squeezing her fingers and leaning in for a kiss.

♡ three words. lesbian power couple.

♡ if you had any sort of headache or difficulties falling asleep, you'd consult patricia before you even thought of seeing a medical practicioner like emily. the healing potions she brewed for you worked like a charm.

♡ patricia loves a good game of chess.

♡ don't think that she'll go easy on you just because she's infatuated with you, she views you as her equal and loves to compete with you fair and square.

♡ would love to do your makeup and paint on 24 hour tattooes, you'd do the same to her and match for a day.

♡ it took a while for her to get on board with pda and cuddling but she's very touch starved and enjoys being the big spoon, along with slinging a protective arm over your shoulder when you walk with her.

♡ gifts you with handcrafted jewellery that brings good luck upon the wearer, the sight of you adorned in good luck charms and jewels that banish evil wash her over with relief.

♡ patricia's hugs are a bit stiff but once she eases into them she can squeeze the life out of you and warm you up in the snap of a finger.

♡ she radiates so much body heat, feel free to put your hands in hers when you come home late... she might even know a spell to help you!!!

♡ lets you call her trish or patty if you'd like.

♡ late nights consist of you both laying in each other's arms reading different books, but if you come across an excerpt the other might like you read it aloud for them.

♡ meeting you was the best thing that happened to her, once she realized she was in love with someone at the manor it urged her to befriend some of the other girls and she even mustered up the courage to chat with the hunters.

♡ somehow she became friends with yidhra and when you come home at night you'll occasionally see the dream witch sipping some tea at your coffee table, giving you a silent wave that means 'hey'.

♡ god you loved patricia.

#I BELIEVE IN WOMEN SUPREMACY !!!!#patricia dorval imagine #margaretha zelle imagine #idv x reader #patricia dorval #margaretha zelle

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h2bakugou · 4 years

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hey! i just read your recent bakugou fic and i loved it! i hope the person requested it feels better after reading it. no one deserves to be treated like that. maybe make a part two for it? like she and bakugou are now in a relationship and theyre out on a date on a sunday, but they bumped into her mom and she was furious when she saw her daughter dating and ‘fooling around’ instead of studying but this time bakugou was finally able to stand up for her and gave her the bitchslap she deserves

a/n: awe thank you! that’s very true, i hope they’re doing okay as well, i’m sending all my love to them and anyone who’s not feeling too hot rn discipline

summary: you and bakugou are finally together. he takes you out on a date and you bump into your mom. she’s disappointed that you’re ‘fooling around’ instead of working on getting better grades and doing better in school. bakugou doesn’t hold back this time.

key: (y/n) - your name / (f/n) - first name / (l/n) - last name / (e/c) - eye color / (h/c) - hair color / (y/q) - your quirk

warnings: swearing, angst, fluff

wordcount: 1.4k

»»————-　★　————-««

The semester had gotten off to a good start. Bakugou had asked you out since your little date a few months ago, and now you were practically inseparable.

Bakugou got teased for being such a softie around you but he didn’t care. He loved you. He got angry at Kaminari and Sero for making jokes but at the end of the day, they were happy for him.

Bakugou had found someone who could tolerate his explosive energy. The two of you just sort of clicked.

You studied with Bakugou a lot, and he helped you when you needed it. But he didn’t push you. He knew you were strong, so he was only there if you ever needed it. He wasn’t going to baby you around.

That’s why you loved him so much. He knew you were capable. He didn’t make you feel like you were less than he was. He was an amazing boyfriend.

- - -

Being with Bakugou was nice. And come to think of it, you would be celebrating three months together in a few days. On Sunday to be exact. Bakugou had been thinking about it, wondering what he could do.

He’d asked, no demanded, Kaminari, Kirishima, Sero, and Mina to help him out. He wanted to do something special.

“You should take her out on a date, something romantic, like dinner!” Mina said excitedly. Kaminari nodded, but he quickly stood to his feet.

“Take her to see a movie! And then you can pull a real smooth move where you throw your arm over her shoulder-”

“They’ve already kissed Kaminari.” Sero interrupted. Kaminari looked at Bakugou with wide eyes.

“Oh yeah, what else have you two done-”

“Shut it dunceface!” Bakugou raised a sparking open palm at the yellow-haired boy. Kaminari sat back down and shut up for the rest of the conversation.

“Just do something sweet, buy her flowers, but don’t forget you’re just as much a part of this date as she is. Try to do something you both enjoy!” Kirishima smiled. Bakugou nodded and looked down at his lap.

“If any of you say anything about this I’ll kill you.” Bakugou jumped to his feet as he stomped off.

“He’s so in love~!” Mina cheered hugging Kirishima.

“They grow up so fast!” Sero faked tears. The four of them laughed as Bakugou made his way up to your dorm.

Bakugou knocked three times before lowering his hand back into his pocket.

“Oh hey, babe!” You greeted the blonde. The nickname you’d given him made his heart skip a beat every time he heard you say it. He liked hearing his name, and dozens of other ones you called him, come from your mouth.

“Don’t make plans Sunday, we’re going out.” He said with a small grin.

“Okay, oh before you go, look at this!” You quickly showed him your grade for the math test you’d took the day before. You got a 94 on it.

“Awesome work, babygirl.” Bakugou leaned in to give you a peck on your lips. It was cut short by a stern cough.

“PDA.” Mr. Aizawa looked at the two of you.

“Oh piss off.” Bakugou waved his hand at Mr. Aizawa. Bakugou gave you one last kiss before he walked off.

“Sorry about that.” You giggled. Mr. Aizawa sighed and walked off down the hall.

- - -

Sunday came faster than you thought. Bakugou had come to your dorm to get you.

“Do I look okay? Is this too much? I don’t know what we’re doing-”

“You look great.” Bakugou smiled softly. You liked seeing him smile.

“You look good too. Did you comb your hair?” You smiled reaching a hand out to poke at his hair. Bakugou grabbed your wrist and looked away.

“I did now let’s go.” He wanted to look good, he didn’t want to look like a slob.

“Cute.” You said softly.

“What?”

“You look cute.” You beamed. Bakugou’s eye twitched.

“I’m not cute, I’m badass-”

“So where are we going?” You asked, placing your hand in his as you began to walk outdoors and off toward the gate to get off-campus.

“It’s a surprise for a reason, dumbass.” Bakugou’s hand was warm against yours. The air was chilly and you could tell it was starting to warm up some. Spring was slowly peaking its head around.

The two of you walked and talked, admiring the beautiful nature as you neared closer to the chosen destination.

Bakugou stopped in your favorite cafe and the two of you got lunch.

“Thanks for this.” You thanked him for buying your lunch. The two of you ate, making small talk.

“That was really good.” Bakugou looked at his empty plate. You giggled and looked at him.

“What now?”

“You’ve got a little something-” You wiped a bit of cream off of his lip with your thumb. Your cheeks tinted red as did his.

“Do you see why I like this place so much now?” You smiled. Bakugou nodded.

“Alright, let’s go, I’ve got one more thing to show-”

“(y/n)?” Your mother’s voice filled the atmosphere. You cringed. You turned to see her standing at your table.

“Hi, mom.” You greeted, a smile on your face. Please let her say something nice.

“What are you doing off-campus?” She asked, glaring at Bakugou and then back to you.

“Well uh, mom this is my boyfriend, Bakugou.” You rubbed the back of your neck nervously.

“It’s nice to meet you-” bakugou spoke but was interrupted.

“I can’t believe you. You are honestly such a disappointment. You’re going to such a great school, and not to mention by my recommendation. And you spend your time goofing and fooling around with a boy? Have your grades improved-”

“Mom it’s not-”

“No. I’m talking. You are not dating this boy anymore. It’s over-”

“Mom!”

Bakugou felt his blood boiling. He couldn’t watch this. He couldn’t sit here and let someone, no your mother, speak about you like that. You were amazing.

“Babe, let’s go.” Bakugou stood, gathering his trash.

“No, my daughter will not be leaving with you-”

“Miss, with all due respect, your daughter, my wonderful girlfriend, is fucking amazing. Do you know what she’s ranked in the class? Third. Do you know how hard she trains? Until she can't move anymore. I’ve only seen a few people as devoted to her goals as her. You have no right to call her weak, or a disappointment.” Bakugou stood a few feet in front of you as you gathered your things.

“Excuse me?” Your mom crossed her arms over her chest.

“You’d know how well your daughter was doing if you showed you actually cared about her succeeding and showed compassion toward her. Your brooding and unpleasant parenting is why she’s so distant.” Bakugou grabbed your hand and pulled you along, heading toward the door.

“And she’s got all a’s now, no help from you that is.” He smirked, watching your mother’s face contort with anger.

The two of you walked down the street silently, leaving the scene.

“I- Sorry.” Bakugou mumbled.

“No hey, actually, thank you.” You stopped, placing your hands on his shoulders.

“Thank you for defending me.” You smiled, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, placing a kiss on his lips. Bakugou smiled and planted his hands on your hips.

“Anytime, babygirl.”

Your kiss wasn’t long, still aware of the public around you.

“Let’s continue our date shall we?” You pull Bakugou along with you, a smile on his lips.

“You don't even know where we’re going!” Bakugou raised his voice slightly. He wasn’t yelling, he was more excited and running on the adrenaline rush he’d just been given from showing your mom up.

“Who cares, let’s go do something fun. I heard there’s a firework show tonight!”

“Every night is a firework show with me.”

“Oh keep it in your pants Katsuki.” You smirked.

“Hey! That’s not what I meant-”

Bakugou watched you wiggle your brows at him.

“Oh you little-” Bakugou chased after you as you broke free from his hand in yours.

It was a small chase, nothing crazy, the two of you just enjoying each other’s company.

The sun had gone down finally and the two of you were resting on a lawn up on a hill. You could see the sky perfectly from your spot.

The fireworks began to go off and you cuddled into your boyfriend, admiring the colors that filled the sky.

“Look at that one!” You pointed, filled with joy at the large explosions of colors and shapes in the sky.

Bakugou admired the changes of color on your face, the light from each firework making you seem more and more like an angel.

Bakugou kissed your cheek, not wanting you to miss the fireworks.

“I love you.” Bakugou whispered.

“I love you too, Katsuki.” You replied.

»»————-　★　————-««

masterlist

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notedchampagne · 3 years

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This is your free pass to infodump abt your favorite ocs. Use it wisely.

what an honor? anyway im going to post the screenshot transcripts of me ranting about anhema and nixs relationship under the cut because i s. i seriously typed so much dude its incredible

vrismoji [01/29/2021] anyway im thinking about nixema again you know like a normal person and their relationship is so fucking messy like you know how karkat ships have blurred quadrants and vishua is just rapid seesaw vacillation

[5:27 AM] nixemas like ah fuck ah shit we hit pitch so hard we punched a hole in the wall and now were stuck in ♡ for the time being[5:29 AM]but even despite that theyre both immovable objects with unstoppable wills and theres absolutely no coordination whatsoever on eithers behalf so they end up crashing together again until somehow in the wreckage theres this little modicum of domesticity thats invisible to the authors (me) eye

[5:31 AM] vantablack and like right in the middle of it is a red drop of paint

[5:32 AM] and now im absolutely thinking about how this works for both nix and anhema in that regard not auspicitism just romance in general because im fucking insane

[5:34 AM] like anhemas accustomed to being alone or being on the edge of a crowd shes happy being a gear in the machine but actually holding and maintaining bonds is a lot of energy esp if everyones either weirded out or infatuated or villain-turned heartbroken by you so nix actually investing their time to just spend with her is probably high up on the list of things that mean a lot to her but wont voice out loud lest she dies

[5:36 AM] but nix is Like That and despite having some sort of emotional handle they themselves dont actually have a grasp on it unless its through the doorway of lavishing compliments and nix being so self indulgent and hedonistic goes against so much of her own ideals slash morals i cant tell the diff rn that thats like. pitchbait

[5:37 AM] like can you see where im going here they clash so much with their fucking outlooks but the Actions are Speaking Words

[5:38 AM] its a lot more complicated for nix though bc theyre like. oh shit look theres an issue im either going to romanticize the fuck out of it or ignore it <--- nix voice so from the start so much of their attachment to anhema is infatuation with the mpdg ideal like all of her other exes

[5:39 AM] but along the way im assuming the persistent determination to be the one to Crack Anhema Vantas had actually turned into a fucked up sense of devotion especially when anhemas just getting into injuries left and right and nix gets some medical skills

[5:41 AM] and i think we hashed this out before so like nix cares about anh but theres this awful funhouse lense over it all that made them actively choose to just nurse anhema back to health dramatic moviestyle instead of taking them to a fucking Hospital and jesus yeah that bites them back in the ass in the future

[5:42 AM] wow theyre like Really Bad ifhsoekdodosorowr nixs redemption arc is a nauseating rollercoaster going at a stunning 0.5 km/h

[5:42 AM] youre justs stuck upside down on the loop god dammit go to therapy

#anhemaquest #anhema vantas #nix serket maryam #ocs #talking back

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hiddendreamer67 · 4 years

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I had a question, and you absolutely don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. You seemed to go from Sanders Sides to not Sanders Sides very forcefully. Did something happen that soured you to the fandom? Or did your liking for it just fade out and you’re just a very decisive person who moves a lot once you decide to move?

Yeah you’re welcome to ask questions about this, I get it must look weird from the outside. It was kind of a long time coming though, there was a lot of things I disliked about the fandom for a long time that I tried to filter out but the general culture just continued to grow toxic in certain ways and I realized it was weighing so heavily on my heart because I let that community become my entirety for a while. Especially because even when I knew fandom was getting me down and writing sanders was lowkey depressing me, it honestly felt nice how much attention my sanders sides fics would get as opposed to anything else I wrote. That’s why there was such a hard cut off, one day I woke up and I realized I didn’t even like sanders sides anymore and I didn’t want to keep churning out content that made me miserable simply to gain validation.

(I also just have several issues with the show itself now which I don’t wanna delve into rn to “start discourse” but if anyone’s curious I’m down to talk.)

Nowadays my relationship with sanders sides is kinda weird, I’ve cleared a lot of my tumblr feed of sanders which was so cleansing and helped a lot. I still have a lot of great friends in fandom who I adore. I still read some fics especially those by friends, but it’s definitely a lot less than before and it feels odd to get notifications about stories that used to thrill me but now there’s zero interest. Weirdly I occasionally still get urges to work on my own fics, and it’s just a new balance of figuring out what’s healthiest for me and at the end of the day where do I want to devote my time and energy.

#bit from column a and column b? 😅#we getting introspective up in this joint #its cause my sleep batteries are low so im wide open #also i could probably go on about this for ages #but i figured this was a fairly decent summary or snippet?#lemme know if come morning none of this made sense #also any further Qs im happy to answer #though show discourse specific id rather do in my DMs (which are always open)#simply because i do NOT need to invite that drama in publicly back to my life 😂

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 4 years

Text

Running thoughts!

The other night I had a marathon anxiety dream and lately I’ve felt very anxious about the idea of getting up early to run long or run fast, also have felt very very unenthused about strength training

I think part of this (the strength training at least) is because we were living in a teeny tiny apartment with very little space and it didn’t feel good to try to workout in there (where we are living in the spring is a bit more open), also moving this week and both of us being home just meant it was a little bit more difficult to have an explicit schedule

But more broadly I’ve been trying to figure out the way running fits into my life right now. I’ve mentioned it before but honestly I think I just absolutely burnt myself out in college re: exercise, waking up at 5am to run/strength train/bike/swim for around two hours every day and with no real purpose in mind but that I just HAD to...it was a lot

And part of me likes that, I like being able to get up early af and watch the sunrise and get a workout in before most of the world is awake but in college I was doing too much, and like I said it wasn’t like I was doing that much with a goal in mind I was just doing it out of habit and compulsion which is ... bad!

SO ANYWAY- Part of me is like okay if you want to be the best runner you can be then the choices are very obvious of what you need to do but then a bigger part of me is like...but I just don’t want to do that right now

And it’s hard because to an extent I feel like ok if I’m going to go through the effort of training for a marathon shouldn’t I go all in? Like if it is already taking time and energy I might as well not half ass it but I’m! Burnt! Out!

I also think there is something to be said for the fact that I’m only 23 and a lot of my runner pals I admire didn’t even really get super into the sport until their mid twenties and I feel like I jumped in and saw all these badass people doing badass things and said I want to do that but did not give myself the time to build the base to do so

WhAt Am I EvEn SaYiNg

Idk I guess I just have a very hard time with the concept of not devoting 110% to something if I’m going to bother with it at all, like I don’t want to finish my race in february wishing I had done more, I want that satisfaction of knowing I put in weeks and weeks of work

But also

I finally feel healthy, it’s been two years since I raced my first and only marathon and like I’ve said from the start my primary goal is just getting to this race healthy and I feel like when I signed up for it that concept didn’t even seem believable (I know there’s still a few weeks so uh universe pls don’t come @ me now) but now it does and I’m like wait what? I’m actually gonna get to run it?

This is such a random jumble of thoughts

But anyway basically what I have realized is that I really enjoy putting in mileage, plus I feel significantly stronger running higher mileage, and I really do nooooot like strength training right now because I spent too long doing too much and taking time out of my day to run is enjoyable but to strength train is! Not!

And idk where I stand on speedwork, obviously it is important and if I want to run my best race I should prob do more of it but honestly running any race is satisfying in my mind rn and so long as I race SMARTER I would be astonished if I didn’t PR.

I’m also just realizing that in college running was like 90% of my life and now I have other things to fill my life and I like running but it isn’t all I have

Also re: food, this past fall I have definitely eaten waaaay more on a day to day week to week etc basis than I have in YEARS and let me tell ya I don’t feel! Any! Nagging pains! From running! Just sayin! (Also side note on a podcast I heard mario fraioli talk about how when he was restricting he got 3 stress fractures and in the past 10 years since he has developed a healthier relationship with food he hasn’t gotten injured)

I just feel...better. Like did I end up crying a few nights ago about some stupid ED related thing? Yep. But do I spend hours and hours stuck in a mental trap obsessing over food? Not nearly as much as I used to. I feel like this fall I kind of ripped the band aid off and I just feel better. Like I’m at the airport rn waiting to go home and for the first time I’m EXCITED for my mom to cook dinner and to eat cheese and crackers and drink wine and go out to breakfast and I just. Idk man. I just feel better. And I feel like there is more to life. And I felt like I would never ever ever find a space where the little voice in my head went away but it is much quieter now and I truly believe in that future.

((Also the pic for this post is yesterday morninng’s run where I was like I don’t wanna do speedwork I just wanna run and then casually dropped two sub-8 miles and was like 😱))

This has been a ramble thanks for joining!!!! Happy friday!!! ⛄️❄️

#personalposts #runs

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izzyovercoffee · 5 years

Text

@tiender replied to your post:“I know Republic Commando is a small fandom, but has anyone out there...”:

before or after the head injury? 'cos some weird stuff went on there, you know it did

both, I guess lol

mostly I’m trying to decide if I personally want to devote the time/energy to picking apart repcomm for the meta for these two, when I don’t ... really like Bardan Jusik for a long list of mandaboo related reasons (reasons that are... more about brown-nosing to Kal than actually having any real other reason to “go native” like he did in the way he did, when looking at it from an objective perspective)

I used to love Jusik, back when there was a really, really incredible writer for him in the repcomm rpc, but that was ... idr how many years ago that was actually (5+ years minimum), but it’s been a long time and that blog (and its headcanons and its meta) is long, long gone. generally a good writer can get you to love anyone, really, especially when they pick apart the little nuances of character.

I’m rambling. I’m gonna ramble some more since I’m thinking about it now and since I made the mistake of listening to the Lore podcast before bed

my thing is, I’m looking at a potential argument to concoct for a Fi/Jusik ship. after having briefly talked over an au timeline w/ @thelightreturns that’s completely unrelated to them, we realized that bc KT is so painfully straight it’s a ship that just ... completely reads as an impossibility / not a thing, and it’s a ship that as it turns out most if not the entire fandom has never even considered.

considering that this specific fandom has explored some really crazy/crack ships just because they can, just because it’s titillating or a challenge to write or just fun, even from before AO3, that’s ... a really big surprise.

also considering that it hits some of the big points fandom loves:

hurt/comfort

friends to lovers

closet key (maybe even for each other, idk)

height difference

brothers-in-arms / love on the battlefield

unrequited / one-sided

it just surprises me that there’s barely anything out there.

and like... the thing is, even platonic (or one-sided, whatever), the pros are:

it deals directly with Fi’s internalized homophobia (I can’t find the meta that I’m thinking of rn but I’m also sleep deprived, but someone had done a very thorough read-through of the books and went through Fi’s internal narration, and it was genuinely heartbreaking the ways in which he absolutely sounds like ... someone so deeply in the closet that he can’t seem to even consider the possibility that he might not even be attracted to women. from the way he thinks about his relationship to Parja, to the way he thinks about her, the language he uses towards them vs the language he uses when interacting with men ... it’s a lot. I wish I could find it, and I’m starting to worry it was on one of the older RP blogs that have long since been deleted..... but anyway, it’s yet again another example of how KT thinks she’s writing one thing, but the entire narrative is actually building something else)

it re-contextualizes Jusik’s otherwise culturally appropriative attitudes towards mando culture in a way that actually gives him genuine motivation, respect and justification to learn the language, absorb the culture, learn the nuances to really connect with someone he feels for ... because his motivation extends beyond chasing on the heels of an inconsistent father figure, to actually forming a foundation of a family unit (or a love interest), which I would argue is something more solid. the books give us a “well of course Jusik would” with no real explanation actually being provided to us, only chasing Kal’s approval (and the implication that that is somehow being a totally healthy, totally good thing ....... and it’s not)

it gives an out for the Fi/Parja relationship that doesn’t result in a rushed marriage that has Parja giving up everything for Fi, and I have a hard time actually buying that Parja would see his hesitation and ... not press to understand it better. (there were also headcanons back in the good ol’ days that Parja and Jusik were bffs, so seeing that kind of dynamic would genuinely be wonderful)

it provides an avenue to explore force-healing, force-bonds, and the ... unique ... development of a connection between Bardan and Fi, bc Bardan clearly put more into that healing than just the Force (the graying of his hair, the implication that he somehow looked older or more worn after, he essentially sacrificed part of himself for Fi, and it’s ... never addressed, never explored, never mentioned again)

we can just avoid the horrific Arla bull shit entirely had this been a thing

I am realizing this got really long so my bad, but yeah. you’re right, weird shit happened there, but it’s the kind of weird shit that if it was any other characters in any other niche fandom within star wars, there would at least be SOME jumping on it! the very idea that a soul-deep force-healing happened there, that Bardan sacrificed parts of himself to reverse Fi’s brain damage, that he spent months devoted to Fi in healing him, that he thought of ways to “reach” Fi even through his coma ....

and Fi is free. he becomes a free man after this genuinely traumatic experience, but he doesn’t talk about it with anyone in the series afterwards, and I used to think (and still do, I guess) that Bardan would actually be a good person to talk to about it (not just for Fi, I wrote a short series of Mereel recording his pseudo therapy sessions w/ Bardan, but I digress).

idk. there’s a lot of potential here that’s just totally missed bc KT is so straight she made both these guys straight as boards when they literally potentially have a bond knit together by the force and near-death experience, and that relationship is potentially more compelling than the ones we were given for either of the, as is.

#tiender #replies.txt #icb this is just me riffing ... imagine if i actually put effort into this #where am i gonna find the time #my bad you probably weren't expecting an essay but alas ... when it's not memes it's meta #there's no inbetween #im also still listening to lore ... bc I never learn.

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ambitionsource · 4 years

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001 for dasher!! :)

oh boy....... hoooooo boyyyyyyyyy

Dylan & Asher

When I started shipping it if I did: so if i were a viewer, i think i would like ship them from basically the moment it was made pretty clear on the show that they were romantically linked rather than just Good Pals Being Pals (i.e. “LOVE OF MY LIFE” in 103). but for a majority of s1 i think it would be a passive shipping sort of thing, like i’d love their moments and enjoy watching them, but things wouldn’t really Click into place until s2 when we really start to actually dig into them and their dynamic / their individual struggles (i.e., their promotion to regulars in s2). around 203 + 204 i’d be so locked in though, that’s probably when i’d start making fandom content or digging around for fics, and then by 207 / 208... whew y’all. whew!

My thoughts: okay so like not to be dramatic but like. im really kind of obsessed with them doe GJDSGFDKJHLFKDH. like i’m really chill about it on here for the most part, but i have not shut up about them in my gcs since quite literally like. august. there’s kind of like this whole timeline for them that doesn’t exist on the Show because its just not relevant to the story, but there’s a lot of their development as individuals and a relationship going on in the background of s2 that really informs how i write them and is really quite elaborate FDSJGLKDSG. i have an entire drive folder that’s dedicated to screenshots of the conversations we’ve had in the discord that chronicles some of this stuff. like what we fondly refer to as “4 days” which is this period between 203 and 204 in which asher became so overwhelmed with everything going on with lucas that he just dropped everything and isolated for a few days -- including closing the window on dylan; and that really has a major impact on their relationship and sort of leads to this Relationship Upgrade in the sense that they go from having the fun and easy going relationship they have in s1 to really like... committing to one another and stepping into this deeper Partnership. i can’t do it justice just talking abt it but like. again to keep it concise, i’m obsessed

What makes me happy about them: literally... so much. i will say that i think what’s really important to me about them -- as well as on the show and what they represent -- is that they really do demonstrate this like... Healthy relationship. and they don’t realize it, but they are one of the only examples of a healthy, committed, equal partnership that many of their friends have in their lives (lucas and isa, specifically). so they’re leaving this impact on people just by leading by example and just living with their hearts on their sleeves and being so unapologetically loving, and that is just... a message i want to spread far and wide. dylan and asher definitely both have their quirks and flaws, but they’re two characters who are so fundamentally driven by compassion and love in their own ways -- and then its really beautiful to watch them share that energy with one another at the most devoted level

What makes me sad about them: i mean like.......... honestly? not much. how wild is that. a pairing that doesn’t make me wanna kermit bc there’s so much angst riddled throughout.......... unreal..........

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: i firmly believe that da would be such an interesting fandom to analyze. this is because they would definitely have a strong fanbase of their own (especially post S2), but also i bet they would be victims of the “supporting pairing” in a lot of fics -- i.e., they get tagged as a pairing on ao3 but then only are featured in like 3 scenes out of a 220448328 word fic. you know, that tragedy. also annoying would be 1) dumbing down dylan or focusing only on his naivety / simplistic nature and stripping him of his incredible emotional literacy and lowkey wisdom 2) babying either of them and again stripping them of their nuances and complexities 3) exaggerating some of asher’s shrill qualities to the point that he’s just unbearable 4) ANY sort of obvious attempts to Gender their relationship -- i think zc would be able to avoid this for the most part, but i get the feeling it would be a common annoying thing in da portrayals 5) taking asher’s external hesitation towards pda / being too overtly emotional in public and reading that as either him being unaffectionate towards dylan in general or casting him as some sort of prude when in actuality i think asher is more instrumental in their Physical Relationship than one would think on the outset 6) fics where da is tagged but then its like. one of them leaving the other for lucas fDJSGDKGLFD LIKE BYEEEEEEEE

Things I look for in fanfic: on the flip side of my earlier answer, i really do believe that there would be a beautiful and dynamic da writer cohort. i think there would be some REALLY cool and lovely works out there for these two, because i know how much they’ve inspired creativity and excitement for me. i would love fics that are just about filling in missing moments to their relationship that we don’t get to see on the show just due to focus and time; i would be keen for any sort of au with them; i’d want to see portrayals of them that really highlight the balance they bring out in one another and how well they complement one another -- the ways that dylan makes up for asher’s emotional literacy and even a focus on how asher can sometimes struggle to grapple with his emotions despite being so put together in public would be A1; anything that highlights the utmost respect and adoration they have towards one another; always stan representing how touchy-feely dylan is with small affectionate touches; gold star fics would highlight their other relationships as well, both as a duo (the techie crew, dylucasher) and individually (jade x asher, dylan x isa, dylan x dave x nate, their dynamics with riley). i just..... i’m really aching for this fandom rn i tell ya!!!

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: i.......... there’s honestly not an answer. they’re asher and dylan. dylan and asher. they’re literally multiverse endorsed soulmates. there’s a mental block for alternatives sorry!

My happily ever after for them: i don’t have to worry about them so i know i’m gonna get it fDSJKGLFDG but just them continuing to have their deeply committed and supportive and emotionally healthy relationship and be there for one another as they continue to grow as people! can’t wait for them to live together college and beyond and just... thrive. i love them dearly

Who is the big spoon/little spoon: oh this has been well established. asher is the big spoon. there of course are OCCASIONAL days where it shifts (more likely during naps, for example), but when it’s time for bed they will fall asleep with asher hugging dylan and resting his head against his back. that’s The Move. it’s set in stone!

What is their favorite non-sexual activity: they spend so much time together i genuinely could say that just existing together is their activity fDJSKLGJFDKLHDh. but um they like to go on adventures with lucas; dylan will bake and asher will “help” i.e. just keep him company and steal dough; they like watching tv together (wide range from like true crime documentaries to Good TV to the classics like Spongebob to hgtv and chill fdkjhgkjdhg like. Cultured palette here folks); just spending time together but doing their own thing i.e. asher might be reading while dylan is playing nintendo switch but they’re like reclining against one another; they often take drives together and get out of the city just to listen to music and like escape the pressure of that environment; they go on trips with their families and their families even take trips together sometimes once they realize that dasher are basically tied for life (shoutout to the upcoming new years ski trip of 2019... Romance)... i could go on. there’s always much to say. i love them that’s it that’s it that’s it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

send some winter hiatus asks !! or try this one

#she's Obsessed... bet y'all didn't see that one coming did ya #the aaagc knows all too well but i maintain a calm stance fairly well on here #now y'all know !#dylan x asher #winter hiatus 2019 #Anonymous #answered

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grandmasterofwangxiancultivation · 5 years

Text

SV ch.59

i am finally finding a bit of time to sit in front of my pc and read this freaking chpater, you’ve been teasing me, but i’m ready now sovjoirjgw

After a pause, he continued, “Those two people from just then aren’t easy to deal with. Even if Shizun doesn’t want to stay at my place, I still hope that you will not go with them.”

i love when lbh tries to act cool but the only thing his mind thinks about is protect shizun protect shizunifjirjfisdofw

EDIT: sooooooooo... lbh doesn’t know that’s his father? wow okay

EDIT 2: okay okay wait my heart toppled over in, like, five lines!!!! shizun is feeling feelings for lbh that make him wanna help, so he tries, but light goes out and lbh just crashed over him IS THIS A SHOUJO MANGA? lbh you are too much for my little maiden heart to handle

EDIT 3: i’ve been thinking about it and i was rightx that rain was toxic!!! and lbh PROTECTED HIS SHIZUN WITH HIS BODY!!!!! THIS IS MORE THAN LOVE, THIS IS PURE DEVOTION, OMGGGGGGG, NOW SHIZUN’S HEART RESEMBLES THAT OF A MAIDEN, BAAAAAAABE

EDIT 4:

Shen Qingqiu reached out a hand and touched him. His forehead and cheeks were both scalding hot like he had a fever. But there was no way that the concept of a ‘fever’ would exist in Luo Binghe’s body.

SHIZUN IS TOUCHING IS FACE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

also, A FEVER??? WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY?

EDIT 5: shizun is touching lbh all over soijvsopkefpowfk

Shen Qingqiu placed a hand behind Luo Binghe’s head and massaged the area that had just knocked against the wall.

“Binghe, can you hear me?”

THIS IS SO SOFT OMG i need them cuddling together snfowjef

EDIT 6: shizun thinking about how many hardships lbh suffered to get there and my heart just warms in front of it ‘cause really, i love lbh so much i can’t even begin to cry, i just hug myself and pray for a lbh in my life-

EDIT 7: SHIZUN FIGHTS AND PROTECT LBH AT THE SAME TIME

*breathes in, breathes out*

i feel like... like he sees him a bit like his disciple again, it makes me feel so freaking emotional omg.

EDIT 8:

He originally wanted to stuff Luo Binghe inside a different coffin, but he didn’t have time for that anymore. Hugging Luo Binghe tightly, Shen Qingqiu flipped the two of them over and they tumbled simultaneously into a stone coffin.

(I AM SORRY WHAT

THEY ARE LAYING IN A COFFIN TOGETHER?!?!? SQQ IS H U G G I N G LBH GUYS OKAY I NOW IT’S FOR PRACTICAL PURPOSE BUT THEY ARE HUGGINGGGGGGGGG

IS THIS MXTX’S IDEA OF A ROMATIC TIME??? WHAT’S NEXT, A DATE IN A GRAVEYARD?!?!?!? BLESS THIS I AM IN LOVE)

Luo Binghe was on top, Shen Qingqiu on the bottom.

(ptf. as if we needed you to confirm that, shizun-)

EDIT 9:

Shen Qingqiu remained calm, lying on his back. Luo Binghe pressed down on top of him, face-down, his head buried in the hollow of Shen Qingqiu’s shoulder. The heat spread onto Shen Qingqiu’s neck, so hot that it was uncomfortable. Even he felt uncomfortable, so Luo Binghe must naturally be even more uncomfortable.

i mean, i know. okay? i know. they are running away from strange candle-like things and hiding in a coffin and there is no need to get all excited because LBH IS LAYING ON TOP OF SHIZUN OMFG OMG OMG yup, no need whatsoever to become so giddy and happy and laugh like an idiot

LBH’S HEAD IN THE HOLLOW OF SQQ’S SHOULDER, my head tells me that’s cuddling enough-

EDIT 10: lbh’s mark on his forehead is flashing, i dunno, this make me laugh so much-

EDIT 11:

He couldn’t free his hand to cover that disastrous mark. He subconsciously turned his head abruptly and pressed his lips against Luo Binghe’s bright and clean forehead.

It actually looked sort of like he was kissing Luo Binghe’s forehead.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH OMG OMG OMG OMG OKAY SQQ’S LIPS TOUCHED LBH, THIS IS NOT A DRILL, IT’S HAPPENING, WHO CARE HOW AND WHY, THAT’S A KISS.... SORT OF... BUT... SDKFJWPOFOPWE

WHAT IS THIS CHAPTER DOING, SQQ FUMBLING AROUND WITH LBH’S BODY LIKE THIS WITH THE EXCUSE OF HAVING TO RUN AWAY I AM DOOMED

EDIT 12:

As its hand moved lower and lower, Shen Qingqiu grew tenser and tenser. It was about to touch Luo Binghe’s back when Shen Qingqiu gritted his teeth and extracted his right hand, which had almost gone numb, and pressed down on an area of Luo Binghe’s back that was still fairly intact.

With this push, Luo Binghe’s upper half pressed completely against him. Originally, there was still a small space between them, but now the two of them were basically one person, chest against chest, stomach against stomach.

(OKAY. I AM GONNA FAINT. THERE IS NO AIR OR SPACE BETWEEN THEIR BODIES.

OMG

*breathes irregularly* no, i really wanna see what sqq will tell himself about this. i am very curious.)

The stomach should naturally be the human body’s softest area, but Luo Binghe’s abdomen jabbed terribly hard into Shen Qingqiu’s. The more he pressed down, the more he was convinced that Luo Binghe definitely had an eight pack. It was hard enough to kill someone.

(I AM LAUGHING SO HARD I CAN’T EVEN BREATH, ABS THAT KILL PEOPLE???? ARE YOU GETTING EXCITED ABOUT THOSE ABS, SHIZUN? WHAT A STRANGE THING TO NOTICE AT SUCH A TIME, DON’T YOU THINK.)

EDIT 13:

When Shen Qingqiu saw that it was about to touch Luo Binghe’s calf, he hardened his heart and parted his legs, allowing Luo Binghe’s left leg to land between his.

*SCREAMS SILENTLY*

IS MXTX LISTENING TO MY PRAYERS, MY IMAGINATION OR ANYTHING? IS THIS A GIFT?

LET LBH WAKE UP.

LET HIM WAKE UP RIGHT NOW I AM BEGGING EVERY GOD IN THE UNIVERSE FOR THIS

EDIT 14:

Their position right now was truly too unseemly. If someone poked their head over and saw them, they would think that Shen Qingqiu was someone burning with desire for sure, holding onto Luo Binghe firmly without any intention of letting go like he was doing all he could to squeeze him into his embrace.

how is it that you don’t sound so troubled by it, shizun-

EDIT 15: there it is, another demon character ready to have tea with the main one. this uncomfy/calm atmosphere in the worst situations is one of the things i love the most about mxtx’s novels

EDIT 16: who did you say is on the brink of death from serios illness. who. I DARE YOU TO REPEAT IT, BUT BEFORE THAT JUST WAKE LBH UP AND SHOW US EVERYTHING IS FINE OMG

EDIT 17:

The Dream Demon rambled, “Serves this brat right. In the past five years, he wastes his energy summoning the soul all day long and recklessly slaughters his own creations in his dreamscape at night. I’ve long since instructed him that doing so would be the same thing as destroying his own primordial spirit. Sooner or later, this day would come. In order to preserve your flesh Seed body during these past few days, he wasted his spiritual energy, and that demon sword was just waiting for an opportunity to revolt. What’s more, he forcefully broke into the Holy Mausoleum, and faced off directly against the most gifted descendant that the demon race has seen for generations.”

Shen Qingqiu gripped Xiu Ya sword so tightly that it hurt. He looked back at Luo Binghe, who was lying unconscious in the coffin, and said, “… Elder has no way of awakening him either?”

I AM CRYING LBH WENT THROUGH SO MUCH FOR HIS SHIZUN AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT SHIZUN IS HEARING ABOUT THIS RN I HOPE THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD FOR THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND IMPROVE THE WAY SHIZUN SEES LBH

MY BABE, LOOK WHAT HE DID JUST TO BE WITH HIS SHIZUN AGAIN OSJFOPWKFW

EDIT 18:

Shen Qingqiu opened his eyes and sighed. “But right now, besides me, his Shizun, who else can protect━or should I say, will protect Luo Binghe?”

(BESIDE ME, HIS SHIZUN, HUYS I SWEAR MY HEART JUST BURST OUT OF MY CHEST AND WENT TO THE HIGHTEST SKYSCRAPER IN THE WORLD TO JUMP DOWN BECAUSE THAT’LL ACTUALLY HURT LESS THAN THIS -and it hurts so good omg-)

Chaotic emotions came thick and fast. Shen Qingqiu’s thoughts were in turmoil, but he was very clear about one thing: no matter what, he couldn’t leave Luo Binghe to die here.

The Dream Demon said coldly, “After so many years, you’re finally willing to acknowledge once more that this brat is your disciple and that you are his Shizun?”

Shen Qingqiu: “It has indeed been a very long time.”

(IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS I CANNOT EVEN EXPLAIN I AM SOBBING SO HARD)

He was still waiting for the Dream Demon to continue ridiculing him mysteriously, but that old man suddenly gave a sigh. He said, “If this brat could wake up and hear what you just said, I wonder how happy he would be.”

(EVEN HIS MASTER-DEMON KNOWS!!! this is truly perfect)

EDIT 19:

Shen Qingqiu’s face was full of black lines. What did he mean, “if he could wake up”? This kind of uncertain-about-life-or-death tone just made him even more uneasy, okay!

look at sqq being scared and fearing for his cutie’s health.

like- who told you to do this to my heart? who?

EDIT 20:

The Dream Demon’s anger suddenly surged up, and he shouted loudly, “I’m clearly this brat’s Shifu, how many things have I taught him?! Ah?! The ability to know everything under the sky, the method to control people’s hearts! But he refuses to call me Shifu; all he ever says is ‘Elder,’ ‘Elder’! You’re just some average cultivator that taught him a few superficial fighting moves and one or two coarse mental cultivation methods, yet he chases after you crying and calling for Shizun! It’s infuriating!”

YES YES YES GIVE US MORE PROOF OF LBH’S DEVOTION, LET SHIZUN HEAR, THIS IS TOO GOOD, TOO BEAUTIFUL, THIS IS ALL WE NEED AND MORE AOJFSPOAèAPFJK

EDIT 21:

He was about to fight back when the Dream Demon started to walk back and forth across the coffin, hands behind his back, saying with agitation, “If I had secretly eliminated you back then in the dreamscape, this kind of incident wouldn’t have happened today. This brat was originally a talent with great prospects ahead of him, but the moment he met you he became this good-for-nothing that only makes people angry. He stubbornly continues to put on an act in front of you too, pretending not to feel anything! If it were up to me, he should either just kill you or do you. Putting up such a fuss, wavering in between━it really makes someone mad when they see it!!”

I LOVE MASTER-DEMON EVERY SENTENCE MORE. THANK YOU. ‘cause if it weren’t for scenes like this, sqq would just conveniently keep to ignore the truth, which is a big N O P E.

lbh loves his shizun so much, that he stubbornly continues to put on an act in front of you too, pretending not to feel anything totally killed me and i don’t know if i’ll have the strength to read the rest of this novel without crying and wanting to hug lbh and just push these two together PLS-

EDIT 22:

Thank heavens, that bothersome old Dream Demon spirit finally agreed to let him go. Shen Qingqiu was about to sit up in a single movement when his right leg suddenly seemed to brush against something that poked stiffly into his inner thigh.

(NO. YES YES YES YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME OMG-)

Shen Qingqiu thought it was a sword hilt at first and absent-mindedly stretched out a hand to go push it aside. He had just touched it when the System’s announcement suddenly exploded:

【YOOOOOOO~~Cool points +1000┏(┏^q^)┓~ Congratulations for obtaining the achievement “Physical Relationship Development”!!!】

(AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH SHIZUN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, HOW HARD MUST LBH BE FOR YOU TO EXCHANGE THAT FOR THE HILT OF A SWORD I AM DYING HELP I CAN’T FEEL MY LUNGS FUNCTIONING CORRECTLY ANYMORE-)

EDIT 23: HE CALLED IT SKY PILLAR I CAN FEEL DEATH DESCEND UPON ME MY LUNGS STOPPED WORKING

also, he doesn’t know what to do and if he should help or just leave everything as if he didn’t notice it and you’re telling me I NEED TO WAIT NEXT CHAPTER TO FIND OUT!?!?!?!??!?

#the scum villain’s self-saving system #scum villain #scum villain’s self saving system #sv #svsss #sv novel #sv ch.58 #sv fangirling mode

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