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maskmakervega · 4 years

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First entry: clearing my head on the end of the relationship

I don’t know if i’ll really use this much, but for now I’m just going to describe the issues with, and surrounding the end of my breakup. First and foremost, love doesn’t die. It can change, like energy, but it never goes away, once it is present it will always be there. For her, lets just call her X, she seems to believe that love is the only thing a relationship needs, and if the relationship ends, the love was never real. This was a common thing she would either directly say or elude to after our numerous breakups. We got together in january 2019, but didn’t really start dating until around march, which is when she stopped pulling the plug on it. She was very indecisive at first, and considering we work together, it is both understandable and smart, we both had reservations... but both of us grew emotionally attached very quickly. To say that she is both very harsh on herself, and hugely jealous, is accurate but underselling it as well. This became very evident after we started having sex, as she was intimidated by how many people I slept with back in my “confused and wanting to feel normal” days. She was also uncomfortable with the fact that i am attracted to certain aesthetics, and she doesn’t look that way, so she would always tell me that she isn’t my type and then let it get to her. This was a big bag of red flags that I should have run from, but I was really into her and figured she would learn that I am absolutely faithful and do not require someone to dress like a goth for me to be attracted to them. That did not happen, really ever, regardless of what she said. During the planning of her friends wedding (march?), they all decided to scour fetlife to see if they knew people on it, and she found my profile. It outlined what i find attractive, but also that I am not looking for anything but friendship, and that I hadn’t used the website in like 4 months. She saw that i liked a face picture of someone she knows, and that irked her (this person is goth). The profile description and lack of time i logged into it (before we dated) didn’t seem to matter, a week or so later she told me about that and that she couldn’t stop thinking about it, and how she isn’t right for me and she doesn’t know if she is happy. After hearing about that and me arguing with her for over an hour, I decided that this time I needed to break the relationship off. Clearly she wasn’t happy, and I didn’t like being told that a personal taste of mine is responsible for her feeling like she can’t be with me, something entirely out of my control and was never brought up to her. X had returned my key and my things with a “sorry” card. I made the mistake of telling a mutual friend that i wanted her to make sure X is ok, and that shared the information and we started talking again. After 3 days we got back together. Up until this point, she really wanted to keep our relationship a secret from everyone at work, adamantly, but within a month or two a few people knew. Not a big deal.

In april/may, basically her birthday, she was going on about how one of her friends thought i was dark and bla bla bla, The dude is in love with her and tries to get into her head. It kinda worked, because a few weeks later when she had a little get together where 5 of us drank and played cards, she got hammered. We ended up leaving and going to my place, and that same guy texted her the entire time, trashing me again. She drunkenly broke up with me that night, didn’t remember in the morning. That let to another fight and honestly i don’t remember much about it. It was about May/June when she really went ballistic, jealousy, over my roommates girlfriend. I had known this person for 14 years, and we slept together maybe 3 or 4 times (this person only remembers once). She was a long time friend, and her long distance boyfriend needed a place to stay in the area, so i let him move in as a favor. I am an unnecessarily honest person, I can’t keep lies straight and i don’t like to lie, so i just don’t. I told X about all of that before he even moved in, and she didn’t seem to make that much of a deal other than calling her a whore and all that (not to her face). The roommate was almost always in his room, and his girlfriend really only came over on weekends. Things seemed fine, until one day X started blowing up about the other chick at random. Talking about how i shouldn’t be friends with her, how she doesn't want her to come over, how shes a whore and she doesn’t trust her (by proxy me) This was a vicious fight, and it made no sense. To make a long story short, i broke up with her because of how ridiculously unreasonable she was being. Her jealousy caused 2 breakups at that point, and we had only been dating for a few months. I can’t think at the moment, there were several more breakups, i think 6 more. She counts 1 as me breaking up with her, but really it was her drunkenly making a fool of herself, embarrassing me with this in an up-scale bar, telling me every horrible thing she can about me, and breaking up with me on my birthday. But, she doesn't remember any of it and expected me to just forgive her. What caused it? Well we went out to dinner and then went to a club i like, it was a really great day until 30 seconds after we left the club.

Outside there were 2 chicks and she was telling me they were checking me out, and i said something along the lines of “eh it happens”. It kinda snowballed for the next few minutes, delicately, enough so we drunkenly walked into the nice bar and sat down to order our desert martinis. This is where she kinda goes off on a tangent and then brings up how she doesnt trust a long time friend that i talk to, because MONTHS before, she got onto my COMPUTER while i was in the shower, and read my old messages with this person. Old messages from before we even started dating, and saw that i had told her i missed her (we had a romantic connection but never met in person, again, this was a different 16 year friendship). I was not making the best judgement, and gave her my phone to scroll through my messages to that person. to the effect of “really? prove it, prove where i said i miss her”. She scrolled through about 6 months of texts, going “oh you talk a lot huh?” and things of that nature, but she never found what she was looking for. She accused me of deleting the message, which i didn’t even know you could do. I told her she had major trust issues and was blowing everything out of proportion and cant hold it against me that i have female friends, and she said “yeah well i’m not a whore, like you”. Then went OFF as we were leaving. This went on for about 20 minutes, as we are driving home and she is piss drunk. Its at this point she gets even madder and says she is done with me. We get back home about an hour later, i have to shake her to get her out of the car because she is so blackout drunk. she goes inside, takes my blankets and wraps herself in them in the middle of my bed, so i have to go sleep in the living room. Justifiably hurt and pissed off, i made a jab on facebook about how great it is to be dumped on your birthday. She sees this because one of her 4 friends that is in love with her, buzzes her asking to hang out, so we wakes up to the knowledge that people understand her to be single. Then she freaks out at me, i take the post down (its about 7am), only a small handful of people saw it, unfortunately they were coworkers. I didn’t think or plan it out, i was hurt and angry and it seemed like a good idea. We get into a big discussion about it, and how she would never break up with me, i tell her about every detail from the night before and she doesn’t even remember leaving the bar. That made it worse, because i drank A LOT when i was with her. About a bottle of scotch every 10 days, and we would go to get beers and stuff sometimes. She loves her booze, a lot of people do, but she doesn’t pace herself. Days went by with her trying to whittle me down and take her back, i think it turned into about a week by the end. When she had whittled me down to the bone with begging, i folded to an extent. I told her she needs to cut back on the drinking, and we got together. This lasted a few weeks (toward mid september) until she got into the jealousy issues again. It was a friend on facebook, who posted a workout photo and they had lost a lot of weight. I liked the photo, and that turned into a fight. Between that, and her telling me she was feeling like i didn’t love her as much since the last breakup, i broke it off again for about another week. I was going to have surgery in a few days and we started talking again, we made peace and agreed that as long as she started seeing a therapist we could try dating again, but i didn’t want to jump back into it super quickly, just hang out. That lasted a good while,and she really seemed to be trying. Bla bla bla, 2 breakups later we are where we are now. The final breakup was January 10th. We had been together, secretly, for about 6 weeks at that point. It was secret because her friends all hated me by this point, and her roommate (her ex of 5 years) said he would kick her out if we started dating again. Yeah, she left that last part out, which really burned me. Her housing situation was dependent on her roommate not finding out we were together again, and that meant she had to spend less time with me. Between the 2nd week of december and the first week of january, i saw her probably 8 days... we used to spend nearly every day together. I started seeing the pattern more clearly, and saw how this would not work. It was also about this time that my depression started to kick in again (huge theme that entire year, go figure), and i couldn’t help but over-analyze. You think quite a lot when there is deafening silence in your head, you feel nothing but empty, and the dark swallows you whole. I ended up doing what I should have done months ago, which was to be good to myself and take some much needed space. I needed to look out for me, because this relationship was making me feel unwanted and depressed.

The relationship was a roller coaster every few weeks, of whether she would freudian-slip some jealousy (that she said she fixed in therapy), or seem to withhold affection and time alone because of reasons she wouldn’t share (usually relating to those incidents). I couldn’t continue question myself because she’d question me, i couldn’t feel like i was nothing but a warm body to cuddle up next to. We didn’t have the ability to get into long conversations, she was afraid of them, and it made me feel a growing divide between us. At the one month mark of the breakup she was still trying to hang on. We talked about trying to hang out as friends, and she swore thats all it would be, but within 2 days she completely changed her tune and said she didn’t want to hang out unless it was to move toward getting back together. As of last week (valentines day) she had to leave work because someone decided to give her anonymous flowers and she thought it was me. She started messaging me and i had to shutdown what she was thinking, which made her cry and she left for the day. This has not been an easy process, because i deeply care for X. Although we had a lot of good times, i am a realist and to many, a pessimist, and looking back I see more bad than good. Distrust is a demon that must be slain to make a relationship function, and that is why ours was so dysfunctional. Hell, i think i have trust issues too now at this point. A lot of detail has been left out here, I don’t know if she will ever find this so I left a lot of personal and identifying details out, many of which are crucial to why the relationship failed so many times... but, i also don’t think anyone will read this.

#reflection breakup confusion heartbreak selfimprovement space staystrong

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in-omnia-paratusss · 5 years

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More Than Bruises

Everyone got their soulmate's outer injuries marked on their body until they healed. Bruises and scratch marks were a common sight so when Jax started getting cut marks on his wrist he wasn’t immediately concerned for his soulmate's well being. The first time it happened he had figured his soulmate had an accident of some sort. When more marks started to show up on his wrists he began to worry. Sure his soulmate had had a their fair share of injuries (like being shot which had scared the hell out of him) but this was different. What if these weren't just accidents? Then the marks started showing up on his hips as well and it took a lot to reign in his emotions. If he made something blow up again his dad would give him the beating of a lifetime. It came to a point where new marks would show up every night. They started getting darker which meant the cuts kept getting deeper. He had cried in frustration so many times but there was nothing he could do. People at school were also concerned when they saw the marks on his body. It had become a habit of his class mates and team mates to ask how his soulmate had been doing. The guys on the baseball team were the only ones who saw the full extent of the cutting. Jax was glad they were because this felt like something he could only trust his closest friends with. The baseball team was like his family. They were the only people he trusted. They saw just how many marks there really were. Hips, forearms, shoulders, stomach, and ankles were littered with dark thin marks. Even after weeks the guy's eyes widened when they saw. Oliver, who wanted to be a doctor, was especially bothered by the marks on his firecracker of a best friend.

"Dude, that is insane. Even with proper treatment they are losing way too much blood. Just hope they're not doing anything too physical or they could open these back up and pass out somewhere."

Jax sighed. This was something he'd tried not to think about, but he had to recognize it was a possibility. It was not safe for this person to be out and about, especially if they were doing something too tiresome or rigorous. Throughout the day that was all he thought about. How dangerous this situation was. How he had also started to see bruise marks on his knuckles. That day was when everything took a turn for the worst. It was in the middle of practice when Jax felt a dull throb on all the marked areas of his body. He ran to the locker room and the team followed, knowing Jax might skip class but he never left practice without a reason. Immediately after reaching the locker room Jax stripped to his boxers and ran to a mirror. What he saw almost made him cry for the first time since he was ten. There were black cut marks appearing all over his body.

"They're doing it again."

Jax nodded even though he knew it hadn't been a question. He had to hold on to the locker to keep himself from doubling over. Everyone was talking to him but he paid no attention to them. His soulmate was harming themselves more than ever before and he could do absolutely nothing to stop it. He felt impotent, useless. Jax barely acknowledged Oliver when he pushed him down on the bench.

"Hey, listen it’s gonna be alright. Jax? Jaxon, look at me!"

Jax looked up with glassy eyes. His chest was heaving with uneven, heavy, breaths and he knew if he didn't calm down he'd have a panic attack and he would not have one of those in front of other people, especially when he knew what the consequences would be. Oliver moved his jaw so he was looking straight up at him.

"It's going to be fine, alright? They're not dead. If they were those would fade away wouldn't they?"

Jax nodded. He tried to even out his breathing and started clenching and unclenching his fists. He was losing strength which meant if he didn't slow down he'd black out. He wasn't about to lose the little control he had over the situation.

"Okay, breathe. You can't lose control, not here, c'mon."

Oliver knew what was happening. How it could all go wrong. They couldn't afford to blow up a building, much less with the whole baseball team inside. Jax needed to calm down now. He winced when he felt more injuries appearing on his body. Everyone was silent. They knew something was wrong. They all knew Jax had a secret and if this had anything to do with that they were all screwed. Soon, the locker room was filled with calming voices. Jax’s stress only incresed with the stimulation that the noise brought on. Sure, he started to get his strength back and he wasn't going to black out anytime soon but he was pretty sure if this continued he would damage something.

"SHUT UP! How can you expect me to calm down?! How would you react if you knew your soulmate was somewhere out there bleeding, and in pain? I know your soulmates aren't exactly accident free but think about it. People only do this when they hate themselves so much they think they deserve it. Do you know how hard it is to have someone you love as much as I love them hate themselves?"

A round of sorry's echoed through the locker room and Jax sat back down letting out a sigh of exhaustion. His breathing was still rough and uneven with desperation and frustration. The team sat in silence for a while, sneaking glances towards their captain. Even the coach stayed outside. Jax was a scary guy when he was frustrated. A couple guys flinched when he stood up again, his hands still curled up into fists.

"I'm going to the batting cages. You guys can do as you'd like."

No one felt the need to object when he went back into the field in his normal clothes. Oliver made sure to put his friend's stuff in his gym bag, knowing he'd be thanked later. Everyone knew to go straight home and let Jax blow off some steam. God help the fool who was dumb enough to mess with him. Oliver still remembered freshman year when he'd told a substitute to 'Bite me Blondie!' when she told him he couldn't just walk out of class. Meanwhile Jax was having the workout of his life. He stayed in the batting cages until the sun went down and considering it was almost summer that took a long time. He took a quick shower and nodded at the packed bag in his locker, making sure to change. He knew he'd get in a fight when he got home. He was supposed to be there hours ago. His muscles ached and he could feel a throb on the marks. This time it was different, though. He looked down at his arms and saw how the marks seemed to be thickening slightly. The cuts were opening back up.

"What the hell are they doing?"

He walked slowly through central park, making sure to give the lady near the Balto monument her daily dollar. Just as he reached the middle of the park he heard footsteps coming towards him. He figured it was just someone taking a late night run until he heard a thud. He looked towards the person on the ground and frowned, making his way towards them. He realized it was a boy, not much younger than himself. He was shorter and had icy white hair. Jax's frown deepens when he saw how frail the boy looked. He was thinner than what could be considered healthy. His cheek bones we way too pronounced and his collar bones were a little too sharp. His shirt, which Jax assumed had been fitted at some point, was just a little too lose. It wasn't just his weight that was troublesome but the amount of blood seeping through his clothes. Through closer inspection, Jax realized he had blood on all the areas the marks on his own body had appeared. The boy seemed to notice too as he gently ran the tips of his fingers over the fading marks on Jax’s bicep, looking up at him like he was the only thing he could see, and judging by the state the guy was in maybe he was. Jax coughed awkwardly and knelt next to the boy before shifting him onto his lap, shaking his shoulder gently.

"Hey, c'mon, stay awake for me. Can you tell me where you live?"

"Dun w-wanna go..."

The younger boy tugged on the hem of Jax's shirt and buried his face into the soft cloth pleadingly making him feel a pang in his chest. He held him closer and put a hand on his face, trying to keep his eyes open.

"C'mon, I need to take you somewhere to fix you up and if I take you home my dad will beat the crap out of both of us."

"St-stark tow...tower."

"Okay, can you tell me your name?"

"Pietro."

Jax nodded.

“Okay, I’m Jax. I’m gonna have to carry you okay?”

Pietro nodded and Jax shifted his bags to one shoulder. He picked the frail boy up off the ground and started running towards Stark Tower, weaving through people on the streets and ignoring traffic lights much to the annoyance of New York drivers. As soon as he made it to Stark Tower he shouted through the intercom for somebody to let them up. A girl answered, her voice seemed to tremble.

"Why do you have my brother? What happened?"

"Look sweetie, your brother is going to bleed to death if you don't let me up soon. I'll explain everything later."

The gates opened and Jax ran up to the door. It was already open but Jax was too concerned and jumpy to be surprised when he was greeted by a whole team of Avengers. Next thing he knew Pietro was being taken out of his arms and he was being forced to sit in a living room that was three times the size of his whole apartment. He answered questions without really thinking about the answers, glancing at the door every ten seconds. The only person he really paid attention to was the girl, Pietro's sister.

"Where did you find him?"

"He was running through central park. I was walking home and he just sort of collapsed. You’re the avengers." He said the last part in a manner that dismissed the pre-existing topic.

"That isn't important right now."

"What do you mean it's not important?! He lives in a building full of people that dedicate themselves to helping others yet everyone fails to realize he's been self harming for the past two months? And by the way he looks he hasn't really been eating either!"

No one met his eyes as he paced in front of them. Now it was his turn to ask the questions. It was his turn to be angry at the world. Now he could let everything out. No one heard the door open as Bruce let himself in.

"I don't think you realize just how bad this is. He is willingly inflicting pain upon himself because for some reason he thinks he deserves it! Has anyone bothered to ask him how he's doing? How he feels? I realize you all have your own problems but he can't be more than sixteen! This degree of neglect is ridiculous!"

None of them were brave enough to tell Jax that Pietro was in fact seventeen. Clint flinched at the mention of neglect. He had become a father figure of sorts for the twins and having that accusation made was eye opening.

"I've been worrying my fucking ass off because I couldn't do anything to help! You see him every god damn day and do absolutely nothing! Do you know how much sadness he must go through to feel the need to put a blade to his own skin?! Do you even remember the last time one of you told him you loved him, cared about him even? Out of all the stupid, irresponsible-"

"He's awake."

Bruce was shocked to walk into the room and see Jax lecturing the Avengers like a disappointed father would do with a group of children. Everyone turned to him with sad eyes and Wanda had even let some tears slip down her cheeks. Bruce nodded towards the door, motioning for him to follow.

"Come. He's asking for you."

Wanda started to walk towards him but Bruce shook his head and pointed to Jax. She stopped and everyone looked at the teen boy in front of them.

"Sorry, Wanda. He's asking for him."

Wanda nodded and stepped away as Jax stalked out the door with Bruce leading the way. Everyone shared looks across the room and made a silent agreement to apologize later on. Meanwhile, Jax had one thing in mind. Get to Pietro and give him the scolding of a lifetime because he better think twice if he thought that Jax would let go of all the shit he’d been doing to himself without saying anything about it. They stopped outside a room but Bruce put a hand on Jax's arm before he could go in.

"He's stuck to an IV for some nutrients and I've bandaged him up as best as I could. Just... try not to bite his head off."

Jax nodded and opened the door, silently slipping in after taking a calming breath. Pietro was facing the ceiling dispairingly with a needle in his arm and a bandaged everything.

"I believe I had asked you not to bring me back?"

Jax scoffed. Of course he was complaining. Of course the universe would make him stuck with an ungrateful brat for the rest of his life. He had his dad from birth to eighteen and now he had another one. That’s what he got for thinking the vulnerable moment at the park somehow meant that he was wanted in this guy’s life.

"You also had a death grip on my shirt so I figured you didn't want me to leave you there either. I told you, if I had taken you home my dad would have killed both of us."

Pietro kept quiet. He knew Jax was right. He was not going to admit it, though. He looked away and Jax sighed. This was not how he wanted this to go. For months he had wanted to comfort him somehow and now here he was.

"Look, I don't want to fight with you. I'm gonna go get you something to eat."

"I don't want to eat."

"I didn't ask."

Pietro glared at his retreating back as Jax walked back out the door and made his way back to the living room. The Avengers stopped whispering about whatever it was they were discussing as he walked in. Everyone but Bruce seemed concerned and a little bit uneasy at the sight of Jax except Natasha who looked away in attempt to hide her emotions.

"I'm not here to yell at you, I just came to ask if you have any food for him seeing as he hasn't been eating."

A lot of them winced at the tone. Steve was reminded of being scolded with Bucky by his mother for yet another fight that they had gotten involved in. Clint just remembered the neglect part of the previous lecture and wearily watched Bruce nod and lead Jax into the kitchen.

"All he can really have right now is soup. Unfortunately, Sam isn't here and none of us can really cook except Wanda."

Jax nodded and walked to the sink, washing his hands. This would take a little longer than anticipated but it would work.

"Does he have any preferences? Might make it easier if I give him something he likes."

Wanda nodded and walked over to help him. Jax raised an eyebrow at her, being used to doing things on his own but Wanda only smiled kindly at him and opened the cabinet, pulling out a couple ingredients.

"He likes tomato soup. However, I know he can be very stubborn when he does not want to do something. You will have your hands full."

"Is that why you didn't know? He didn't want you to?"

Wanda paused at the counter and nodded. She sat down on top of it and patted the spot next to her. Jax jumped up and joined her. Wanda spoke with a voice so soft and timid that Jax wouldn’t have been able to hear her, had she felt just a bit more guilty.

"We have always been very close. With everything that's happened I just figured he wanted some time to himself. I should have known, but he's learned how to keep me out of his mind and he's never had a set schedule so I don't always see him eat and I-"

Jax stopped her with an arm around her shoulders before she could get too worked up. He realized now that it wasn't her fault. She was the same age Pietro was. She was still just a kid. Albeit a super-heroine one but still a kid.

"It's going to be alright. We just have to help him get better. Let's make the soup, okay?"

Wanda nodded and they got to work. Jax decided he really liked cooking with Wanda. She had a similar pace and they were a pretty good team. He had never cooked with someone before but this was a great first time doing so, if you didn't count the circumstances. He walked out of the kitchen with a bowl of soup and a glass of water. He had offered to let Wanda take it but she had said it would be better for him to do it. When he walked in Pietro was quick to give an annoyed sigh.

"I thought you might have forgotten."

"About you? Never. Wanda and I had to make it because apparently this Tower holds no capable adults."

Jax settled on a chair next to Pietro and put the bowl on the hospital bed's food tray. Pietro stared down at the bowl with a frown causing Jax to sigh and cross his arms.

"Do I really need to force feed you?"

"I told you, I am not hungry."

Jax raised an eyebrow at him. He could practically see Pietro's mouth watering but he wasn't hungry. Like he'd believe that. He had listened to enough of Oliver's medical rambling to know that someone could not go more than a month without some kind of fuel, especially when they were as active as Pietro.

"Yeah, not hungry my ass. I am perfectly fine with feeding you like a fucking toddler but I'm guessing you wouldn't like me to, so why don't you just eat?"

They stared at each other for a while. Jax raised an eyebrow threateningly and Pietro glared. Jax knew he was not about to-

"I'm not hungry." Pietro hissed.

"Fine, be a five year old."

Jax picked up the spoon, which was now warm due to sitting in hot soup for so long. He held it up towards Pietro who just glared. Rolling his eyes, Jax pinched they boy's nose. Pietro stubbornly held his breath for as long as he could but, as any human would, wound up opening his mouth, allowing Jax to pour the soup into his mouth before letting go of his nose.

"Spit it out and I'll force the next one down your throat, I don't care if you choke."

They continued the same process for the next thirty minutes. Pietro glared the whole time while Jax let out a resigned sigh every couple minutes. Once the bowl was empty Jax stood up and took the bowl away.

"Wanda asked Jarvis to tell us if you make yourself throw it up."

"You are insufferable."

"Do you wanna stay here or do you want to go see the others?"

Bruce had come in earlier to take out the IV. Pietro knew he had no good excuse to stay here and he'd have to see everyone eventually so he slid off the bed, adjusted his pajamas and walked with Jax to the living room. He stopped with him in the kitchen before actually going in, allowing Jax to realize how nervous he seemed. He was perched on the kitchen table, swinging his feet back and forth and squirming every once in a while.

"You realize they're just worried about you right? No one's mad."

"But you are angry with me, no?"

Jax sighed and turned away from the sink, shaking his head. As much as he wanted to be angry and yelling he still just wanted to make sure Pietro was okay.

"I'm not angry at you. I could never be angry with you, even though I really want to be. Just... frustrated."

"Why?"

Out of all the stupid questions in the world, honestly. How could Pietro not realize how much he cared? They were soulmates! He couldn't just not give a shit like he did with everything else in his life.

"I... you've been the only thing keeping me going since I was five and it makes me feel so useless knowing that I can't do the same for you."

Pietro just stared at him for a moment. His expression had gone from confusion to guilt. His feet slowly stopped swinging and he started squirming more often. Jax finished washing the dishes and put them in the dish rack, helping Pietro down from the table who only let him because he felt guilty.

"I am sorry I worried you-"

"Whatever... and I'm seriously hoping you weren't going to end that sentence with 'I'm fine'."

Pietro shut his mouth. He would oblige only so he would be forgiven, although he was sure it took more than a simple sorry. Jax led him back into the living room. Everyone looked towards them immediately. Wanda ran to her brother and had to remind herself to be gentle when she hugged him. Pietro hated it. He hated being treated like a porcelain doll. As soon as she let go Pietro winced at the tears forming in her eyes.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me? Why would you hurt yourself like that? Why won't you eat?"

Pietro didn't answer. He looked down at his feet. Everyone's eyes were burning holes into him and Jax's hand on his shoulder blade was the only comfort he was getting. He flinched when he heard Clint's voice, knowing he was in for the lecture of his life.

"Do you have any idea how worried we were? Your sister's been in here crying her eyes out! Did you even think about how this would affect the team? What would happen if you had taken it too far one day and bled out? We would have been devastated, Wanda would have been even more miserable than everybody else. And we need you on missions you can't just-"

"Will you shut the fuck up?!"

Pietro jumped at the sound of Jax shouting. He looked up at the older teen and saw his eyes were burning red. How he managed that, Pietro didn't know but it seemed to scare the hell out of Clint. Pietro found comfort in the fact that even though he was yelling Jax still had his thumb tracing circles on his shoulder blade.

"How can you just turn this around to be about all of you? Has it ever crossed your mind that he keeps things from you so you won't worry? This is hard enough without you making him feel guilty about his own emotions and honestly I think you yelling at him is making Wanda cry more than she was before."

Wanda had found a spot next to Jax, hiding behind him slightly. Pietro liked that she trusted him. She could read minds and if she trusted someone Pietro thought everyone else should too. Clint was now glaring at Jax just as fiercely as Jax was glaring at him. The rest of the team seemed uncomfortable, except Natasha who seemed just as furious with Clint as Jax was.

"Who are you to come in here and yell at everybody? You've known him for a couple hours at most yet you consider yourself some kind of protector."

"Well I'm doing a hell of a lot better in three hours than you guys have been doing for four months. He's my soulmate. I think I'm allowed to be a little damn protective. Someone's got to be."

He glanced around at all of the avengers who’s heads all hung low, although; their hopes that things would get better were as high as they could muster. Clint looked over at Pietro and shot him a small apologetic smile that Pietro responded to with a slight nod. Wanda dried her tears with the sleeves of her cardigan and sniffled softly.

“Well, I think that has been enough excitement for today.”

“Yes, we all have training in the morning.” Pietro coughed out only to be met with two piercing glares.

“You don’t.”

As soon as they realized what they had done both Jax’s and Clint’s heads spun towards the other. Clint laughed softly at the way Jax’s nose scrunched up in distaste at having thought the same thing as him, and after seeing Pietro’s amusement at the situation Jax indulged Clint with a small crooked grin because (and he wasn’t making excuses for their lack of awareness) maybe everyone was feeling just as shaken up and useless as Jax was. Natasha shook her head. Clint never could stay serious for a long time.

“We seem to be in agreement. Until those cuts close up and you fill out a bit you’re not doing shit.”

Jax ignored Steve’s reprimanding cough at his cursing.

“But-“

“No buts! I’m giving you an ultimatum, if you step foot into a gym or exert yourself in any way I swear to god and all that is holy I will sit on you.” Jax scolded.

Natasha nudged Clint and nodded towards Steve as if to say ‘we’ve got two of ‘em now’. Steve elected to ignore both her shit eating grin and Tony’s knowing smirk which he knew meant the same thing.

“In fact, I’d like to come check on you after school. That is, if Mr Stark would allow me to do so?” Jax coninued, turning towards Tony as he asked the last part.

“Sure, as long as you never call me Mr anything again in your life. I sound ancient.” He shrugged.

Jax nodded and said his goodbyes, hugging Wanda on his way to the elevator that he had been shoved into earlier that evening. Pietro watched him go with a tight feeling forming in his chest that he supposed had something to do with what he had said earlier. You’ve been the only thing keeping me going since I was five.

“Could I at least walk you home?”

Jax turned around and Pietro smiled at the way his eyes seemed to sparkle whenever he grinned. He felt Clint put a hand on his shoulders in support and he just knew Wanda was smiling. She was always a sucker for the cheesy shy stuff.

“Well you could but its a long way out. You sure you can make it back okay?”

“I could go with you.” Wanda piped up.

Pietro grinned at his sister and pulled her along when Jax gestured for them to come along.

#pietro maximoff #original male character #wanda maximoff #protective avengers #pietro x male oc #self harm #comfort

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purplesurveys · 5 years

Text

561

You struggle to walk in heels. Nah, I love heels. Even if a certain pair is a bitch to wear, I’d try to power through and I’d wanna look like I’m killing it wearing them. You talk on the phone a lot. Yes, but with just Gab. We call each other up most days. You consider yourself to be pretty extroverted. I can be! Getting to college definitely taught me how to like talking to people more and I have no problem with initiating conversations or doing small talk these days. I’d consider myself like 90% extroverted; the remaining 10% is for those times I still prefer to have all to myself, which is a part of me I know I’ll never lose. You know how to sew. Nah, home ec lessons can fuck right off. I’ll leave the sewing and crocheting skills to my girlfriend. You know how to play a woodwind instrument. Does the recorder count? I mean I think almost everyone can play it as it’s a super basic instrument, but still.

You swear a lot. It’s a habit. I do choose the people I swear around though; I wouldn’t do it in front of kids or with people I’m not necessarily close with. You're a smoker. I vape. You're allergic to penicillin. I dunno. I’ve never been exposed to it, I think. Someone in your immediate family is in a wheelchair. No, no one from my extended family either. You play a lot of video games. I watch a lot of playthroughs, but I don’t play them myself because I am just terrible at them. You've never been on a train. I’ve been on a train once, and it was for an assignment and someone was with me the whole time. It was at a dead hour too, so I didn’t really get the full experience of riding a train in the Philippines. You don't like raisins. I HATE RAISINS You're not a very romantic person. I’m very conscious about PDA but I can be affectionate in many other ways. You're homosexual or bisexual. Am neither. There was one point I believed I was bi, but in the end it all boiled down to me being demisexual. Beer is your alcoholic beverage of choice. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck beer, and I’ll never get tired of saying that. Your favourite colour to wear is red. I look good in red but it’s not really my favorite color to wear. You've talked someone out of suicide. No. I wouldn’t want to be put in that situation either; not because I wouldn’t want to help, but because I’m unfit myself and I wouldn’t know if the things I would say would be helpful or just do more harm. You wear a ring on your left ring finger. I don’t. Yet. You've never had detention in school. But this is because we never adopted that concept here. Like I said, I’ve never fully grasped what detention is and what they make you do when you’re in it. Maybe someone can help a clueless Asian out here, haha. You've dated someone with a full beard. I’ve never been with a guy, and Gab doesn’t grow a beard. You have a pair of fluffy dice in your car. No, and wouldn’t want that decoration either. You've been tested for STIs. No, but I definitely should just to be sure. You've written someone a love letter. Once, three years ago. I really should do it more. Your favourite film genre is horror. I appreciate horror A LOT and at one point it was my favorite genre. It’s since been overruled by drama. You currently live in a country you weren't born in. Born, raised, and currently living in the Philippines. You don't like wearing hats. I know they’d look cute on me but it makes me feel like people can’t see me, so I always unconsciously take them off because they feel weird. Your blood type is O+. (???) Dude, I have no idea what my blood type is. I don’t think my parents are sure either. You prefer fruits over vegetables. Nah nah nah I hate fruits. You work/have worked in a hotel. No. My parents have worked in hotels all their lives though; they met while working in the same one in the 1990s. My dad has worked in a cruise ship since the 2000s but that still technically counts as a hotel-centric workplace. You enter the lottery regularly. I never have. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend. A girlfriend. You have had sex within the last week. I mean...this is one entry I don’t need to delve more into haha. You get sick often. I never get sick and if I do the fever typically just lasts a few hours. You're close with your siblings. I’m close with my sister. I haven’t talked to my brother in months. You're a pretty paranoid kind of person. It’s part anxiety and part slightly inheriting my mother’s very real OCD problems. You prefer vanilla over chocolate. Mmmmm not really. Vanilla takes like nothing to me D: Idk if it’s meant to taste like that or if I’ve just had cheap vanilla all my life. You own a lava lamp. I don’t but I had a hipster phase when I was like 12 where a lava lamp was all I wanted. Obviously my mom never got me one cos it seemed like such a waste of money, and looking back on it nine years later, it most definitely would have been. You can't whistle. I can. You've had your stomach pumped. No. I don’t even know how that works and I hope I never need that procedure, cos it sounds complicated and terrifying. You don't use emojis when you text. I know most people get paranoid from emoji-less messages, so I kinda just do my part in making them feel better by using emojis. You remember seeing the events of 9/11 on television as it happened. I was too young to have memories from 9/11; I was three and didn’t really watch news back then. You always stay hydrated. Yesssssss. I love my water and it’s also a basic form of skincare, so. You have at least one child. No kids. Your hair is shorter than shoulder length. It’s longer than that now, but I really should give it a trim soon. You're at least 21 years old. Yay I can finally answer this with a yes! You're an opinionated person and stick to your guns no matter what. Yes, unless someone can show me a better and more critical argument. I’m open to hearing them out and reconsidering by then; but until then, I like sticking to my beliefs. You share a bed with someone else every night. I sleep alone. You know how to drive. It’s how I get around places. You're currently wearing an article of clothing that doesn't belong to you. The sweater I have on belongs to Gab, but it’s been with me for three years. You are friends with a lot of people you work with. It makes the work more enjoyable when you like the people you hang out with. :) You shower twice or more each day. It’s a no for me. Once would be enough. You're friends with your boss. JM is technically my boss, and we’re good friends. You've made your own clothes before. Never have; I’m not creative enough (or at all) for that. You have/had braces. I did, back in high school. I just had them for a year and a half. You have two or more ex partners. Nope, just the one. You have a biblical middle name. I’m sure Isabelle didn’t come from the Bible. You've cheated on someone. N e v e r. You mop/vacuum the floors in your house once a week. My mom prefers to do all the cleaning stuff around the house. You have dandruff. There’s really nothing I can say about this other than I don’t, lol. Your parents are religious people. My mom is massively religious, enough to drive me insane. I don’t get my dad though; he told me he was atheist when he was in college, he sympathizes with me whenever I grumble about our family going to mass every Sunday, and he doesn’t mind when I use my phone in church, but sometimes I’ll see him singing along to church hymns. I don’t pry though and I’m just glad he’s on my side whenever I bitch about having to sit in church for an hour. You work/have worked in fast food. I have not tried this. You live near a national park. I live very far from Luneta, which is I think the only national park we have. You're a flirty kind of person. As a demisexual, the idea of being flirty is a horrifying prospect to me. You've never dyed your hair. It would terrify my mom, plus I’m about to graduate college so it’s a little too late to experiment with hair dye now. You've been to Arizona. I have not. You listen to a lot of country music. I hate this genre. You listen to a lot of pop music. Yeah I’m a pretty basic bitch lol You exercise several times a week. Just for this semester because I’m taking PE. In fairness, our instructor is a very good coach so I’m pretty open to still continue doing the workouts once the sem ends. You can do at least 10 pull-ups. I couldn’t before, but my PE class taught me how to haha. You travel primarily by bus. I can drive, so I don’t really need to take the bus. You prefer hot weather over cold weather. Ugh noooooo I hate feeling hot. I’d rather feel uncomfortably cold all year round than uncomfortably hot and sweaty. You've never been to IKEA. We don’t have IKEA. You're more creative than you are logical. I have zero creativity in my system. You've been in trouble with the police. Not with the police per se but I’ve had traffic enforcers pull me over for various ‘violations.’ You have something more important to be doing right now. It’s 1:42 AM. That important thing I should be doing right now is sleeping, but I had coffee earlier and don’t really feel like doing that at the moment.

You share a lot of your looks/appearance with your siblings. I’m the feminine version of my brother. I’m not sure if I look anything like my sister though. You've been in an open relationship. No. And I’ll never entertain the thought. You had beef for dinner last night. I’ve skipped dinner for two nights in a row, because my toothaches are really bad :( You live with roommates. I live with my immediate family. I live fairly close to my school (close enough to be able to drive there, anyway), so I’ve never had to move into a dorm or condo. You drink alcohol at least once a week. I drink a lot whenever I get to but I only do it once a month or once every two months. You have to go to work tomorrow. Nope. It’ll be the 3rd day of my 5-day weekend, so I’ve still got a lot of time to rest up :) You have taken acting classes. Acting is so not my forte. Your favourite kind of juice is cranberry. I don’t really like juice. You lost your virginity at the age of 16. 18. You're close with your cousins. I’m close with my cousins on my mom’s side. Not so much on my dad’s, but I did play a lot with them growing up; we just became less close as we got older because they eventually moved to Laguna and I saw them less and less. You have family who live in England. I don’t think I have family living in Europe. You've had a blood test. When I was confined in the hospital when I was 11, they did several blood tests on me to check my platelet count. You know someone who has two parents of the same sex. Nah, there’s a small chance of that happening here. I wish I knew someone, though.

You know how to do karate. I never took lessons. You've never had a pet dog. I have one snoring under my bed right now. Your current partner if you have one is your college/high school sweetheart. It’s a corny term, but yeah you can call her that. You have a cool scar. (?) I’m not sure almost being blinded by a glass jar to the eye is a cool scar story to tell. You've considered joining your country's army. No. You live near a very large body of water such as the ocean or a lake. Mmm not really, I live in a very urbanized area. I’ve never experienced living close to the sea, but I imagine it would be very peaceful. You watch and follow motorsports. Never have. Your mother was under the age of 20 when she was pregnant with you. Nope, she was 26. You're allergic to some kind of vegetable. I don’t have any allergies. You hate wearing socks to bed. Yessss, it feels itchy and it feels like my skin is being suffocated hahaha so I take them off. You play a lot of board games. Nothing against board games, I just don’t play them a lot. You know someone personally who was born in Japan. That’s a good possibility, but I just wouldn’t know who. You always keep spare change handy. In a place like UP where everything is cheaper, it helps tons to keep some change. Your house has three or more bedrooms. We have four bedrooms. You weigh less than you want to weigh. I’m a little less than 100 lbs, but I do wish I was at a healthier weight because I’m underweight.

You prefer tampons over pads (if you're a female who menstruates). I’ve never tried tampons and the idea of wearing it sounds like such a horrifying prospect for me hahaha. For context, pads are the (very very dominant) norm here and I literally know 0 menstruating people who use tampons. You've had sex while menstruating or had sex with someone while they were. I’m obviously not gonna share the story on here lol but it was purely an accident and I’ve made sure it never happened again. Your parents live in a different country than you. My dad has worked in different countries my whole life, but he comes back home every few months. You've been banned from a store or other location/venue. My friends and I were kicked out of a McDonald’s once for making a lot of noise, but we weren’t banned. You like to cook with a crockpot/slow cooker. I don’t cook. You have a clock radio in your bedroom. The only clocks I have are the ones on my laptop and phone.

#survey #surveys

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violaswimmer · 7 years

Text

Well, Shit. (A Voltron Fanfiction Chapter 6)

First of all, I’m sorry. There is a lot of angst in this chapter but the next chapter will be better, promise! So Chapter 7 is on the way! Not to worry! ;)

Want to read from the beginning? Here you go!

http://violaswimmer.tumblr.com/post/156859812181/well-shit-a-voltron-fanficiton

CHAPTER 7 IS HERE!

http://violaswimmer.tumblr.com/post/157378879001/well-shit-a-voltron-fanfiction-chapter-7

CHAPTER 8:

http://violaswimmer.tumblr.com/post/157547824756/well-shit-a-voltron-fanfiction-chapter-8

CHAPTER 9:

http://violaswimmer.tumblr.com/post/157710839871/well-shit-a-voltron-fanfiction-chapter-9

CHAPTER 10:

http://violaswimmer.tumblr.com/post/157841715481/well-shit-a-voltron-fanficition-chapter-10

The team realizes that Lance is different even if he doesn’t act like it. What will happen when they finally confront him?

Chapter 6: Well… Shit.

Lance did wake up eventually the next day, in the afternoon. He was in a daze from sleeping so much and walked out of his room in his pajamas, without his robe and casually walked into the kitchen. His arms completely exposed, shirt hanging low on his back. Hunk, Shiro and Keith were gathered in some sort of weird meeting but Lance paid not mind. He just moved to get something to drink, still not hungry.

He didn’t notice Hunk, Shiro and Keith staring at him, and they had stopped talking. They stared at the scars so white and sticking out against his skin. They weren’t used to it yet. But Lance moved the same as always, as if they didn’t bother him. Lance grabbed some water before turning to see them all staring at him. Great. He just drank water, looking back without blinking.

“Hey, I know I’m mesmerizing but there really is no reason to stare.” Lance said with a smirk.

Shiro and Keith groaned together and Hunk rolled his eyes but they all smiled, all but forgetting about the scars. Hunk moved into the kitchen to Lance’s side, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey you’ve slept for a long time, hungry?” Hunk asked already moving to prepare something.

Lance took a sip of water, “Honestly I’m not hungry at all, so don’t bother. I’ll just wait till dinner.” Lance said.

Hunk looked at him in concern, “Dude, how? You had like five bites of food yesterday, like twenty-four hours ago, how are you not hungry?” Hunk asked.

Lance shrugged, “I don’t know. I didn’t really eat on Lotor’s ship either so maybe it’ll just take a bit to get back in the routine. Don’t worry about it.” Lance said draining his glass and placing it on the table.

Shiro came closer to him, “Why don’t you talk to Allura? Let her know. She might have to say something to you.” Shiro said cryptically.

Lance looked at him, then he looked past him at the corner of the room and then back to Shiro again, “Oh the quintessence thing right? She caught me yesterday before I went to bed and told me. I think her theory is right, so we just have to wait and see huh?” Lance said, “Don’t worry about too much, I’m going to take a shower.” Lance said before leaving.

Shiro, Keith and Hunk were left in the kitchen staring at the spot that Lance left.

“Is he really okay?” Keith asked, “He seems too casual.” He said.

Hunk nodded, “Yeah maybe, I think a lot of things have changed so maybe he’s just trying to be like he was before, you know?” He said.

“Yeah let’s just give him time.” Shiro said, “He’ll come to us when he’s ready.” He said.

Hunk looked at Shiro doubtfully and thought that there was a lot that Shiro had to learn about Lance.

And time is what they gave Lance and plenty of it. First Lance trained by himself to build up his strength. He did a lot of leg and arm exercises, he had lost some muscle during his capture. Next he worked on combat training sort of, but focusing more on getting used to one eye instead of two. Keith watched as the gladiator dove towards Lance’s left side, tapping Lance meant a point was lost. At first Lance struggled. He had to take frequent breaks to get focused again, most of the time he’d just stare off into a certain corner and then turn around and try again.

After several days Lance became better, a lot better. He would use sound to his advantage, his hearing getting better to make up for his lack of sight. One day Keith approached him as Lance looked over the combat options.

Lance’s eyes were lit in the blue glow of the screen. His scars were exposed, just in his casual workout clothes rather than his armor. Keith was getting used to it.

“Hey,” Keith said, causing Lance to turn, “You’re really improving quickly. Soon you’ll be back with the group trainings!” Keith slapped a hand on Lance’s back. Lance flinched but just barely. Keith backed off.

“Sorry.” Keith said sheepishly.

“No, no you’re fine! Don’t worry, it’s just…” Lance looked at the corner past Keith shoulder, eyes flicking back to Keith, “I’m not used to how it feels yet. Actually the skin is so rough it feels more like pressure. It’s just weird.” He laughed absently scratching his neck.

Lance turned back to the screen, “The training is going well, but I can’t join you guys just yet. A night or two will do it though. Although I still need to practice my shooting.” He smiled at Keith.

“Nights? I thought you hate practicing at night, you know, beauty sleep.” Said Keith.

Lance looked at him surprised before his eyes flicked back to the corner and back to Keith again. Keith was about to ask what was over there but was interrupted.

“Oh I don’t… sleep much anymore.” Lance stated.

Keith stood there shocked, “What? What do you mean?” He asked concerned.

Lance put up his hands moving them in front of him.

“I mean I sleep, just not as much. And it’s not what you think, not nightmares or insomnia, just I don’t need it. I wake up an hour or two later after falling asleep and I feel energized like a good night’s sleep. I told Allura, we think it’s the quintessence. This might be a permanent thing, but we don’t know yet.” He let his hands down, “But with the extra time I’ve been training, just catching up, you know?”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Keith asked, “Maybe we could help…” He said, trailing off.

“Help? Why? There’s nothing you or the rest of the team can do. It’s not important. Plus it’s not like it’s affecting me in a bad way, it’s just a change.” Lance said.

Keith gave him a look and Lance went to him putting a hand on Keith’s shoulder.

“Honestly, dude don’t worry about it. You’ll get wrinkles and your complexion will get worse. It’ll already pretty bad.” Lance said with mock concern, laughing as Keith flicked his hand away, smiling himself.

“Yeah sure, is that a mullet growing out of the back of your head?” Keith questioned.

Lance’s hand flew to the back of his neck.

“Don’t even kid about that, Keith. I would rather DIE than have a mullet. Oh my god who has scissors?!” Lance said running out of the room, Keith laughing.

Shiro entered the lounge where Lance and Pidge were sitting together with their heads hunch over something. They were fiddling with one of Pidge’s projects. Lance was trying to give her suggestions.

“Why don’t you put it here?” Lance suggested pointing to some port.

“I don’t think it’ll fit in there.” Pidge said, unsure.

“Nah it will, I can tell. Here give it.” Lance offered his scarred hand.

Pidge reluctantly handed the tiny piece of tech over, Shiro watching with interest.

Lance took the little rectangle and gently placed it into the slot and pushing just enough to click it in. Pidge looked at her screen and made a triumphant yell, slapping Lance’s already raised hand in a high five.

“Lance I love you!” Pidge said looking at her computer intently as tons and tons of alien code came onto the screen.

“That’s sweet Pidge, but you’re too young for me. You’re like jail bait.” Lance said with a smirk receiving a light punch in the shoulder from Pidge.

“Oh Pidge please be gentle!” Lance mock shouted.

“Oh my god would you shut up.” She said with no heat.

Lance laughed. He looked passed Pidge staring at something, his face falling. Pidge didn’t notice but Shiro did. Lance went a little pale, Shiro took a step forward and Lance’s head snapped in his direction. He looked like a deer in headlights, eyes wide. He blinked looking at Shiro, and Shiro stared back. He didn’t say anything. He felt like he saw something he wasn’t supposed to.

Lance’s face changed in an instant, the smile was back, and his eyes had no hint of any of the emotion just a moment ago. He hid it well but Shiro still saw.

“Pidge, Shiro’s here. Why don’t you tell him all about how I just saved your project?” Lance suggested, getting up and offering the spot to Shiro.

“Yeah, Shiro, this is seriously so cool! I mean Lance didn’t save it but he did help…” Her words washed over Shiro as he watched out of the corner of his eye, and Lance practically ran out of the room.

Hunk came to the hangar to do some modifications to the yellow lion when he saw Lance. He was in front of Blue leaning his head against her leg, eyes closed. Hunk watched.

Lance was still but he seemed to glow with a blue light that Hunk was familiar with. But soon it was over and Lance looked up at his lion with a smile.

“I know and I will, when I’m ready.” He said, giving her leg a gentle pat before turning around and running directly into Hunk. Lance blinked.

“Oh hey!” Lance said.

“Hey, what did you do just now? You like glowed blue a little bit!” Hunk said fascinated.

Lance blinked confused, “What? I glowed? Seriously?” Then he smiled, “I didn’t know that but that’s pretty damn cool!” Lance said.

“Yeah it was, but what were you doing?” Hunk asked.

Lance shrugged, “I was just talking to Blue that’s all.” Lance said.

Hunk nodded, “Like the image thing that the lions do?” Hunk asked.

Lance shook his head, “No like with words, through the bond I hear her voice. She speaks English and Spanish so we were chatting but like in our heads.” Lance said.

Hunk stood stunned.

“WHAT?! You can DO that?” Hunk practically shouted.

Lance leaned back from Hunk intensity, “Uh yeah man, to be honest I kind didn’t realize that you couldn’t.” Lance said

“Of course I can’t! Oh my god that’s so cool! I can’t wait to do that with Yellow!” Hunk said excitedly.

Lance smiled, “Yeah it’s pretty cool!” he said.

Hunk spent the next several hours before dinner asking Lance a thousand questions which Lance answered to the best of his ability but Hunk knew that he was thankful when dinner was called.

What happened in the room with Pidge did not happen around Shiro again. Lance seemed to be careful, he avoided being alone with Shiro at every turn. But Shiro still thought that Lance would come to him when he was ready.

Lance joined regular training again with the rest of the team. He had improved greatly. He struggled with the trust exercises like the invisible maze but excelled with protection exercises and combat.

They stood in a circle backs to one another as they had many times before. They brought up they’re shields protecting one another from lasers. Lance protected everyone with everything he had. In fact, no one fell through the floor. They made it through the whole training without losing anyone. It was the first time they did that.

Shiro clapped Lance on the back, “That was amazing Lance, that’s the first time we’ve made it through that training! Great job.” He smiled.

Lance looked a little shocked but he smiled, “Thanks, Shiro.” He said shyly.

Shiro looked at everyone, “That was some great teamwork! Let’s keep it up, take a shower and turn in for the night.” He said.

Everyone dispersed. Shiro watched as Lance left with Hunk chatting like he normally did. Maybe what Shiro had seen was just a fluke, caught Lance at a bad moment. But he wondered what could possibly have made him look so scared. But he put it aside, Lance would come to him when he was ready, he was sure.

It wasn’t until later that night that Shiro’s concerns grew worse. Shiro woke up from a nightmare he couldn’t remember, it happened from time to time but he woke up earlier than he normally did. It was still four hours until everyone else would wake up. So he decided he’d go for some light exercise, maybe he would be able to go back to sleep.

Shiro made his way to the training deck. When he got closer he heard something, someone talking. Lance talking. At first he thought Lance was up late with someone else, he had been training late in the night and he knew that Keith joined him when he couldn’t sleep.

But it was just Lance’s voice, shouting words that Shiro couldn’t make out. Shiro made it to the door and it automatically opened.

“SHUT UP!” Lance shouted, “¡CÁLLATE!” Lance shouted. And the sound of something crashing to the floor.

Shiro saw Lance in the middle of the training floor, gladiator robot with a sizeable hole from Lance’s bayard, which hung loosely at his side. Lance turned out the sound of the door and he had the same look as before. Blue eyes wide with horror, face pale and breathing hard. His hand was shaking. He looked so scared.

Shiro took a step forward and Lance instinctively took a step back. So Shiro just stayed where he was.

“Lance…” Shiro began raising a hand.

“NO. Don’t.” Lance said sternly.

“What? Lance I just want…” Shiro began again.

“NO. No no no no. Please don’t. Please pretend you didn’t see this. Just this once.” Lance asked desperately. He looked so scared, his bayard was gone and he wiped a hand across his mouth. Then before Shiro could reply Lance ran out, and Shiro could only watch his back disappear into the hallway.

This couldn’t go on any longer, Shiro knew that. But he couldn’t bring himself to confront Lance by himself. But Shiro decided, no more secrets. He was resolved.

So when Lance was finished eating and about to leave Shiro said it. Maybe now wasn’t the best time but it had to happen.

“Lance, wait a sec.” Shiro said, Lance stopped looking at Shiro curiously.

“We need to talk about what happened last night and what has been happening to you.” Shiro said as gently as he could.

Lance grew pale after he said those words.

“What are you talking about Shiro? I’m fine.” Lance said attempting to smile.

“No, you’re not. Let’s talk about it.” Shiro said.

Lance’s eyes flicked nervously because now everyone was staring at him, his eyes kept looking at the corner of the room. Shiro turned slightly to look in the direction, Lance’s eyes grew even bigger and he forced himself to look at the table. Shiro knew nothing was in the corner but what did Lance keep looking at? He turned his attention back to Lance.

“Lance, why do you keep looking at the corner? What happened last night at the training deck?” Shiro asked.

Lance looked at Shiro, shocked. He looked betrayed. He opened his mouth but closed it again and he just shook his head, smile gone now.

They were all getting worried now. Hunk spoke up.

“Buddy, come on just tell us. You’re safe here.” Hunk said.

Lance’s head snapped to look at Hunk and then look passed him, at something the rest of them couldn’t see. He continued to shake his head, breath growing quick. He got up, ready to bolt but Shiro grabbed his arm. Lance looked at the hand and tried to shake it off.

“Lance please.” Shiro begged.

“No. Stop, let me go.” Lance said sternly.

“Lance.” Keith said sounding stubborn, “Come on man just tell us-” But he was cut off.

Lance turned his head suddenly eyes full of rage and pure terror. His voice came out as a scream and before Lance could stop the words were falling out of his mouth. All the emotion, everything he had suppressed came out and he couldn’t stop it.

“OH GOD HERE COMES PERFECT FUCKING KEITH! I’M SURE IF IT’S KEITH THEN HE CAN FIX IT! CAN’T YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!” Lance looked at Keith with all the rage that had been suppressed, the emotion Lance tried to get rid of. Keith looked back at him, shocked like he’d been slapped. Lance didn’t care.

Lance shook his head furiously and angry tears were beginning to slide down his face. But Shiro refused to loosen his grip so he had to stand there, confessing every warped thought in his brain.

“IT SEEMS THAT SHIRO HAS MISTAKEN ME FOR YOU, KEITH! CAUSE THERE’S NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL THAT HE OR ANY OF YOU WOULD BE REMOTELY WORRIED ABOUT ME! ONLY AFTER I GET BUSTED UP DO YOU FINALLY CARE! ONLY AFTER I’M GOING HALF INSANE DO YOU FINALLY FUCKING NOTICE! I’M SO GAD DAMN SICK OF IT! AND DON’T ACT FUCKING SURPRISED!” Lance turned to the group, actually speaking to them.

Allura’s eyes were wide just staring at Lance. Coran’s mouth was a hard line and his face was pale with concern. Pidge just stared at Lance, looking scared. Hunk just looked at him with a sad expression. Keith still looked shocked. Shiro’s face was pale and he looked like he regretted ever making Lance talk. Good, he should. Again Lance tried to stop but was already too late, no turning back now.

“YOU’RE ALL SO TALENTED AND SMART AND GREAT AND I’M JUST SOME CHEAP ASS REPLACEMENT FOR SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY DESERVE. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME AND I KNOW THAT! I’M NOT IMPORTANT OR SPECIAL OR ANYTHING! SO WHY DON’T WE GO BACK TO THE WAY WE WERE BEFORE HUH? WHEN YOU’D ALL IGNORED ME AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP GIVING ME THAT GOD DAMN LOOK!” Lance shouted and screamed, they all looked at him with such concern he couldn’t believe it, “QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU ALL GIVE A DAMN! I KNOW YOU DON’T! TELL ME TO SHUT UP, TELL ME TO FOCUS, ORDER ME AROUND AND IGNORE ME! IT’S EASIER THAT WAY! JUST PLEASE STOP PLAYING THIS GAME! IT MAKES ME CONFUSED! JUST STOP!”

There was an abrupt silence, everyone was too stunned to reply or move or even blink. They just stared at Lance with horror. He hated that look, the way they kept looking at him and staring at him. The way they talked to him with pity, the way they walked on egg shells around him, the way they laughed extra loud at his jokes. He wasn’t a broken person but they kept treating like one and he hated it. Why would they act like they care when they never did before?

Lance knew that part of this was due to the hallucinations of Lotor that he still saw, he never really went away. Always standing in a corner reminding Lance of his time in the ship and the thoughts that he tried not to think about. Lotor would whisper in his head, telling him that the team didn’t care, they found him useless, they were acting, and they really hated him. The list could go on forever. But Lotor’s whispers were constant and only in the few hours that Lance slept was he actually free of those thoughts. It was too much, it was all too much.

But Lance knew it was in his head and that these thoughts were his own. He didn’t want to hurt them, they were his team they didn’t deserve it. He loved them. But Lance felt he wasn’t a part of it. Always on the outside looking in but never inside, never.

Lance turned to Shiro who had grown pale at his words, still in shock, “Is that what you wanted to know, huh Shiro? Well congratulations now you fucking know. Let go.” Lance’s voice was low, only speaking to Shiro.

The silence was back. But Shiro’s grip finally loosened and Lance ripped his arm free, realizing what he had done. He said it. He had said everything and now they know. The rage that had taken him over abruptly left and he felt only fear. If they didn’t hate him before, they hated him now. He blanched covering his mouth, backing up and knocking over his chair.

“Lo siento.” Lance said in a whisper before he turned around and ran out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him.

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thesocialgeek-blog2 · 7 years

Text

Getting Straight with Goals

At the near start of the year, I wrote down a set of goals that I wanted to achieve and a new set of habits that I wanted to adopt in the my lifestyle.

That list was as follows:

I was confident in that what all I listed were all well thought-out, elaborated, and aligned well towards the things that I most wanted to work towards. I made sure that the things these revolved in what are three important aspects of someones life: Romantic Relationships, Career, and Physical Health

This document was seen not only as a reminder but as an ultimatum for what was going to get accomplished this year. Alongside having this document in my room in plain sight to act as a reminder, I also disciplined myself each weekended to write in a small moleskin notebook all the tasks and assignments I was going to undertake at the start of each week which would work accordingly with each thing listed on the document.

For about three weeks, I was persistent on having everything I written in the document stay in my mind’s focus and kept writing in my notebook everything that was necessary for me to do: Making approaches, actively speaking with my friends and acquaintances, making active efforts on dating sites/apps, attending certain clubs and events at my college, knocking off chapters of my books, sitting in my backyard and counting a hundred breaths- you name it.

By the time the first three weeks were up, I stopped writing in my journal and dropped doing all weekly homework I usually assigned for myself, except for ones that dealt with getting in shape and maintaining a reading habit. Reading is something I have no trouble stopping since its something that I naturally like to do in my leisure. As opposed to being an on-and-off reader I wanted to become a more ardent one. As for working out, the short answer to that is was how being strong and fit had began to become part of my character since a few weeks ago when I started hitting the gym, and to this day, it continues to fuel me continue working on becoming more so.

So what stopped me?...

I can only be certain with a couple of factors that made me stop in my tracks but I don’t think I have any better answers than most people who attempt at picking up new things:

“I loss interest” - “I loss the energy”- “I didn’t find it helpful” - “I forgot about it” - “Things came up”

These excuses can all apply with some short thought, but I’d say the appropriate reasoning surrounding this, both with personal insight into how the things I went for in the past stuck, stuck, and with knowledge I have from books I read on goal-setting, is that they didn’t click. This is still a long-shot of providing an accurate answer since its quite vague. That about the same answer that is applied for why people who form tight-romantic bonds do, which still leaves the matter a mystery, but it at least in some sense asserts that I wasn’t emotionally and mindfully invested in pursuing them.

The other day I went to have conversations with strangers and this was reconciled to be for the good of exercising my conversational skills and to interact with the opposite sex more. But what of it? What long term goals does this activity fall into following up to? I can speculate that these activities can makeup parts of the path in becoming a better conversationalist, expanding my social circle, and being less anxious towards engaging people, especially women. I didn't have accomplishing any of these goals in my mind however when I just went out of my way on the one afternoon to speak with strangers.

It was only out of hyperventilating-bent anxiety that sprung up in the hours before working on the assignment that made me do so. The morning of that day was spent attending a local renaissance fair. Intermittently I wrestled and tried bearing with depressing thoughts revolving around my loneliness and enviousness towards people like my younger brother who had a girlfriend accompanying him at the fair.

In the midst of my heightened anxiety, I was sprawled on my bed where I passed out after coming back from the fair. I had no other intent other than just falling asleep flat on my stomach with my dirty clothes and make-shift elf ears glued still onto my ears.

“My brother is probably having the time of his life embracing and spooning his exhausted body all over his girlfriend in his room right now”

“I have no one who wants to be with me in bed and my 20′s will waste away having no one to share a moment like that with”

Those were the last lines of inner monologue that hit me before energy had miraculously surged through me, giving me the strength to my get my tired ass out of bed and enter a extremely cold shower with no hesitation. The shower had worked to release me from the negative mind state that gripped me. My anxious demeanor, shaky in movement and breathe, had transitioned to a saddened one. I didn’t cry but several grief stricken gasps escaped me while I had my arms wrapped myself tightly.

In my minds eyes, I’m already a built man with lots of physical strength. No external opinions and judgement assigned me this self image. Even before I began lifting weights, despite being a fairly slim man with little lean muscle, I already envisioned that I was meant to be physically fit and active and that nothing was going to stop me from being that way. Nothing was going to stop me from becoming who I was supposed to be either. I have and still continue to risk my academic performance in part by the training regiment I undergo which has me turn to the gym five times a week.

On another note, there are probably few things that make me feel alive other than hitting up the gym. I fell in love with lifting weights and pushing myself doing cardio while having metal and heavy rock blast in my ears through my headphones. I love the feeling of my muscles being tight and sore. I love being drenched in sweet after my workouts. I love taking long nice showers in the locker rooms. I love to be in the presence of other dudes like me who are tall, slim, and packed a set of good lean muscles as well as other men who were burly and beefy. If I couldn’t be part of a frat or Greek group to feel the sense of belonging to the type of men who are in them, I could attain so solely from going to the gym.

Do I also see myself as the kind of man who has in himself to have the personality and skills to be able to build relationships that are strong and/or otherwise romantic? Out of most things, I guess that’s just one of the only things that I don’t dare to envision since I think that’s something I often don’t see to be possible. The idea of having a lover by my side, is stature embellished with power too great to find myself worthy of ever having.

Socializing and building relationships are things that still remain to be mysterious on an intuitive basis. I have yet to have raw exposure to the nature of rapport building and exchange of deep intimacy between someone.

I want to have my social and love life remain on the forefront as to what I work on now since I believe doing so will have the biggest impact on my life. Regardless of how my progress goes, I don’t want to stop learning. I want to always remain in the position as the observer and I damn well know I have the capacity be one with the same level of perceptiveness and analytical scrutiny as that of a scientist. Just as Charles Darwin, through years of careful observation and study, had distinguished different species and discerned some possible evolutionary ties between them, I think socializing and relationships has its own set of general patterns and notions that, likewise, can be discerned.

My blog was created to serve as a repository of all my notes, field reports, analytical pieces, and personal reflections and stories. I hope to have the blog inspire those who share the feelings of intimidation but fascination with these areas. I also hope that my blog serves to inspire hope and courage for those facing similar dispositions as I do that concern the lack of a fulfilling social and love life.

Unto getting goals straight. For now, the list has been revised to a single goal:

_____________________________________________________________

New Goal: Acquire a date with a woman

Date - An arrangement between individuals for a romantic or social engagement. Conventionally, this is a type of private arrangement between two individuals.

I want to successfully make a friendly acquaintance with girl and ask her out on a date with me. _____________________________________________________________

#social skill #relationships #self improvement #goals #achievment #spirit #love #love life #social life #development #future plans #resolution #skills #women #men

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