#don't ever drink and drive i cannot stress that enough

[alteon77]

The Bizarre Breeding Habits of Anthropomorphic Personifications: Chapter 7

It's a tale as old as time.

Two idiots fall in love. Two idiots fall out of love.

Neither one of them is expecting a baby to come along and derail their unhappily ever after.

Chapter One here, AO3 here, Masterlist here

Chapter Summary: Morpheus pretends to be human in the doctor's office. He's... um, surprisingly not great at it.

By the time Morpheus finally locates her, he's nearly incandescent with rage.  

It is fair, he thinks, to be so angry, so wholly upset with her for this act of foolishness and for the panic that she's caused both him and her brother. It had been only forty minutes prior that Viego had summoned him, that the maker had called Morpheus to him and then belligerently accused him of stealing May to hide her away in the Dreaming. And while Morpheus had been furious at Viego for this, he'd been more fearful than anything else. The idea of May going outside of the very wards keeping her safe, the idea of her leaving that protection with no magic or defensive capabilities to speak of, had brought forth an overwhelming swell of terror that rose sickeningly up within him in a matter of mere seconds. 

The relief he'd felt at finding her had given him only a moment of solace, a brief flicker of the sensation before the mess of emotional turmoil roiling in his mind had swiftly transformed into indignation. How. Dare. She. How dare she engage in such a foolish stunt. How dare she endanger herself and their child by way of such astounding recklessness. Makers are hunted regularly and mercilessly by witches and gods and all manner of supernatural creatures, and any who had happened upon her in her current weakened state would have surely made short work of capturing her. 

In the underground area where he'd finally located her, Morpheus stalks to her vehicle as she gets out of it, her face wan and weary in fatigue, all of her as worn out as she herself has been these days past.  

"No… I was driving. I don't answer when I'm driving. You know that….. No…. I just had some stuff to take care of…. I'm keeping a low profile. No…. Stop it. I wasn't followed…. Yes…. " she says into the phone held against her ear. "You did what? Why… Why would you do that?" She pauses, and he notices that there's a bottle of water in her hand that she takes a seemingly reluctant drink of, grimacing in disgust at the taste. "No, Viego. I don't know how to get a hold of him right this moment. He doesn't exactly carry a phone or-" 

"There is no need to seek me out," he cuts in roughly. "I am here." 

His sudden appearance startles her, and she recoils a little at the sight of him, the hand holding her water coming up to rest over her heart as if to soothe the too-rapid beat of that organ. 

"Viego," she relays over the phone, her voice shaking slightly. "I'm going to have to call you back. Morpheus is… Yeah…. Don't worry about summoning him again. No, I'm looking at him right now." 

He glowers her way, his hands clenched tight at his side as he works to calm himself. "You might inform him that I will be personally bringing you home this-" 

"We'll be back in a bit. No…. I've got errands to run. Don't worry about it. Bye." She presses a button on her device and slides it into the small bag hanging from her shoulder, clearly careful in her attempt at ignoring him as he fumes before her. 

"Not in a bit, as you say. We will be leaving immediately for-" 

"Can't. Won't. Not gonna happen." 

He seethes, his anger ratcheting up at her apparent nonchalance over the gravity of her folly. "Are you aware of the danger inherent in being outside of the warding protecting you?" 

"Look, I left Viego a voicemail letting him know about all this. I'm sorry if he roped you into something that you shouldn't have even had to stress about." 

"You cannot be oblivious enough to think that is why I am infuriated," he growls. "Both Viego and myself have been scouring this city for the better part of an hour, terrified you had been taken by some enemy that meant you harm. And your response to worrying us so dramatically is that you had errands you need attend? There is no excuse for removing yourself from the warding, especially in light of the fact that it is the only thing keeping you safe in your condition." 

With great effort, he attempts to settle his raging temper, aware as he is that it would do this world no favors were he to lose control of his powers while in it. 

"Worrying you so dramatically? I mean, dramatically is definitely a word I'd use with how you're acting," May snarks before taking another sip of her water.  

"And what precisely is the meaning of that?" 

"Just that this is ridiculous. I'm a grown woman. I'll go where I want and do what I want, and you are both welcome to take that suffocating overprotectiveness that you're holding over my face like a pillow and shove it up your-" 

"Do not," he snaps. "Now, gather your things. I am returning you to your brother." 

"I am not a package that you can just hand off back and forth. And I am absolutely not going anywhere with you until I'm done. I have something I have to take care of in about-" She checks her watch. "Thirty minutes. There's a diner near here if you want to get coffee while you wait for me to finish, but I am not leaving." 

He clenches his jaw hard enough that he would break teeth were he human. "What aim could be so important that you would foolishly risk being captured to accomplish it?" 

"It's none of your-" 

"If you finish that sentence with the word business, I will grab hold of you this moment and shift you. I've no patience for your recalcitrance this day." 

May scoffs derisively. "You not having patience? Wooow. Color me shocked." 

"Tell me what you deemed so necessary that it justified this… imprudence," he hisses, ignoring her sarcastic remark as to his composure.

Oh, no no no no no. Don't throw up. Do not throw up. You've got to keep your water down for just another hour. You can do it, but not… not if you're going to keep fighting. So fuckin' de-escalate this mess and stop being stubborn. It's for the baby. You can absolutely swallow your pride for the baby's sake, damn it.  

He frowns at her, thoroughly confused at these words of hers flitting across his awareness. She is not speaking them aloud, and yet he hears them clearly in his mind, a rather puzzling occurrence given that he's never really been able to read her thoughts, never been able to peek past her mental shields and figure out what's going on in her head. He wonders if the dwindling disappearance of her magic is the cause of this, the usual walls around her mind possibly fading as her powers are and allowing him the capability to read her as easily as she might peruse a book. 

The color drains from her complexion as what he assumes is nausea overcomes her, and she draws in a few deep breaths, seemingly steadying herself before she gestures vaguely towards a concrete wall of this strange, cavernous area they're both in, the one that smells of fossil fuels and is full of nothing but stationary vehicles. He thinks it's known as a parking garage, but he's never truly been in one before, so he is unsure as to whether or not that is precisely what this darkened, poorly lit monstrosity is. "I'm… going there. Okay? I'm… I'm visiting a doctor." 

His eyes narrow as he glances first where she has indicated and then back at her. "That is naught but a wall." 

She rolls her eyes at him as if what he's said is absurdly exasperating to her. "There's a building on the other side of the street from here with a doctor in it. I'm going there." 

"You have found a suitable healer?" 

She fidgets in front of him, playing with the label on the bottle still in her hand. "No. I'm… I'm going to a regular human doctor." 

He's taken aback by this, wholly surprised as he moves closer to her. "A human doctor?"

Her fidgeting increases, the movements getting more pronounced. "Yeah… because I'm… well, pregnant. And Tammy was right." 

"Tammy? Who is Tammy? And what use will a mortal physician be in your case? Need I remind you that you are no human."

She rolls her eyes again and scoffs as if he's the one who's said something nonsensical. "Whaaaat? Are you sure? Well damn, I guess that totally explains the being alive for thousands of years and not aging thing. I just thought it was my kick ass moisturizer keeping me all young looking." 

"May-" 

Her arms cross over her chest, and it makes her appear… smaller somehow, fragile. "A human doctor is kind of all there is," she admits with a heavy sigh, a thread of defeat woven into her confession.  

His mouth turns down at her words, his brows knitting together as he considers this, grasping for some sort of understanding. "I fail to see-" 

"I'm sure you do, but… please don't argue with me on this. Whatever opinions you might have about me getting checked out by this guy today, the fact remains that he's got a hell of a lot more answers than I do right now, and I… I need answers." 

She looks away when she says this, avoiding his gaze as a barely there blush lights up what he can see of her face in its sideways profile. An unexpected shame curls in his stomach as he considers the situation before him. She's worried, obviously so, and yet she feels compelled to plead with him on this matter, to ask that he leave her be as she attempts to seek help for herself. The fact that part of this is his doing, that her current suffering is a direct result of the child he'd put inside of her, makes him feel… lowly, as if he should hate himself for adding to the burden of what she carries now when he knows he should be doing what he can to lighten it.  

"Very well. If it will… assist you, then I've nothing to say except that I… should like to accompany you."  

Shock takes over her expression as she at last turns back to him. "Wait. What?" 

"I said that I should like to accompany you. If you will permit me, of course." 

Her eyes narrow at him, scrutinizing his face as if searching for any sign that he is lying. "Are you… sure?" 

No, he is assuredly not certain of this course, but telling her so would do neither of them any favors. "I would scarcely have offered were I not." 

"But… why?" She seems perplexed that he should wish to be with her while doing this, uncomprehending of the possibility that he might desire to help her. 

"I dislike the idea of you being unattended while you are so…" Weakened, he wants to say, powerless and fragile and ill. He does not speak those things, however, since he feels that to call her any of them might reignite the ever-present tension inherent in their new dynamic. "Indisposed." 

She blows out a breath that's half laugh, half frustration. "I'm not a Victorian debutante. It's perfectly fine for me to be alone." 

Alone. That word. It coils in his belly like a poisonous snake, sinking its venomous fangs into the vulnerable flesh of his insides. She had offered to raise their child alone. By herself. Without him even having knowledge of its existence. Not for the first time, he wishes he could reach back through the millennia and pluck that infernal grimoire from the very fabric of the universe, undoing all of its horrid history so that May would never have thought to lie to him about it. A child would have been a happy occurrence for them if not for the dark, thunderous cloud of her betrayal hanging over their tattered relationship.

Still, there is no place for his anger, for his sorrow in the reality of his… of May seeking medical attention for herself. "Nonetheless, I would prefer to escort you." 

May studies him warily, clearly unsure of this seeming capitulation from him. "You… can tag along if you want. I mean… she's your kid too, so if you want to be there, I won't stop you." 

"She?" 

Her apprehension melts away in an instant, a loving smile blossoming on her face as one of her hands settles atop where their child grows, and the sight of this makes his heartbeat speed up, makes that manifested organ thud rapidly in his chest. Throughout his many eons of existence, she is the only one who has ever been able to affect it so, the only one who's ever caused such… mortal reactions within the boundaries of this flesh form of his.  

"Yeah," she answers quietly, a joy in her tone that reminds him of the softest parts of the universe. The silken smoothness of her skin beneath his fingertips. The hazy twinkle of a galaxy above him. The muted shine of a sun in the wake of spring storms. The feel of a new babe in his arms, tender and trusting. "She. I've… got a feeling it's a girl." 

A daughter. A little girl with May's lovely eyes and her beautiful smile. The dream of it is enchanting, captivating enough that he has to forcibly pull himself from its hold, but the want it causes within him lingers on the edges of his thoughts. If things weren't so strained between them, then he would tell her how greatly he wishes for such a thing, how now that the vision of it is in his mind, he can scarcely see their infant as anything except a daughter. But… he cannot give voice to these sentiments, not with his feelings so uncharacteristically flayed and raw, and that is assuredly what they are at this moment. "You cannot know the child's… gender at this stage." 

May sighs and brushes past him, walking towards a door on their right marked Stairwell B. It is instinct for him to match his pace to hers, to keep by her side as she wearily begins the arduous trip up and out of the garage. She's been faint for weeks, and he's very aware that her collapses seem to have no set pattern, no real warning before they occur. It puts him on alert for the risk of another, especially given the fearsome nature of these stairs were she to fall unconscious and tumble down them. And so he means to stay close out of caution, ready to catch her should the need arise. 

"Probably not," she tells him somewhat breathlessly, and he fights the urge to pick her up and carry her the rest of the way. He knows better, though. Whatever tentative peace they're trying to create between themselves would be utterly demolished if he were to engage in such an act. "But… it's just a feeling. I can't really explain it." 

As they emerge from the garage, the sun is blindingly bright, and he glances at May where she's wincing from the shine of it. There's a nervousness radiating from her, an anxiety so great that it almost seems like he's experiencing it as his own.  

"Will you be disappointed if it is not a girl?" he questions in an effort to take her mind off her disquiet.  

At the crosswalk where they're waiting for the light to change, she looks towards him, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I just… want her to be healthy. Everything else is kinda… secondary to that." 

He mulls over this while they continue walking. Is she fearful that the child might not be well? Does she think that her sickness is affecting it in some way? He would ask, but he knows that she will not grant him the truth of the matter, not now. In their new relationship, she seems unwilling to show any sort of vulnerability before him, unwilling to do anything that might be indicative of a need where he's concerned. 

It makes him think of those decades before their union had ended, of those years when they'd depended on one another, when she'd never hesitated to show him the most fragile parts of herself, when he'd never hesitated to reveal his own shortcomings. Together, they had each closed the gaps in the other, had strengthened their varying frailties and softened their harsh angles by dint of their love and respect and hope. But now… that is no longer the case. Now, things are shattered between them, the pieces of what they once shared set aflame by her betrayal and allowed to burn until only ashes remain of their once-great love. 

On arriving at the building she had pointed at earlier, he steps forward to pull open the door for her, and she pauses, seemingly stunned by this meager consideration from him. Something vicious inside of him twists, and that sorrow he'd sworn to ignore earlier comes rearing back with a vengeance.  

Calm down, you actual idiot, she thinks, and it's louder in his mind this time than it was the last. He doesn't mean anything by it, doesn't care about you or what you're going through. It's just a habit for him. Stop reminiscing on how he used to do this. Stop thinking about how things used to be. Just smile and walk in before he notices you freaking out, for fuck's sake.  

And then she does. A threadbare smile tugs her lips up before she steps inside the cool air of the medical facility, a chill taking over her that almost has him stripping off his jacket to drape about her shoulders. Given her mental diatribe regarding his merely opening the door for her, however, he doesn't think that covering her with his coat would be well received. 

Across the rather large room they find themselves in, there's a counter set at the opposite corner, its front marked with a sign that reads Check In. The receptionist sitting behind it is an older woman who raises an eyebrow at May and Morpheus when they approach.  

"Can I help you?" she questions in a way that makes him think she'd rather not actually help them at all.  

May gives a gracious smile. "Yes. I'm Doctor Martin's eleven o'clock." 

The woman, whom Morpheus is growing to dislike more and more with every second they stand there, gives May an unimpressed once-over before turning her attention to a computer in front of her. "Michaela Westin?" 

Morpheus glances down at May. It's a new name for her, one of a dozen he's heard her take over the century he's truly known her for, but it surprises him still. That she has assumed another false identity is not strange, a necessary evil she'd once called it, but that she should choose to do so even with those she might trust with her health is jarring. Was it simply Viego's paranoia that drove her to do such a thing? Or something else? Something more to do with their quick escape from their previous home? Matthew had told him that their journey to the new location had been an unpleasant one, that May had been sickly for the entirety of it and that Viego had apologized for being unable to stop and allow her rest. Granted, the older maker has always been meticulous when it came to his sister's safety, even during those many years that she had resided in the Dreaming, but... today had been different. Viego had been off. Not for the first time, Morpheus wonders if there is some specific danger that he is not being told of, if May and her brother are purposely keeping yet another secret from him.  

After all, it is not as if she's never done it before. 

"I found you. You're here for an appointment and an eight week scan. Is that right?" 

"Yeah. I drank all the water I needed to, and I'm… good to go." 

"It says here that you're… self pay. We'll need to verify your payment information."  

"Of course." May rummages around in her purse, bringing her wallet out and sliding a black card emblazoned with the words American Express towards the receptionist, who picks it up and eyes it doubtfully. 

"This is yours? No offense, hun, but I'm going to need your ID." 

May's all politeness, all sweetness despite the woman's obvious rudeness. "No problem," she says as she hands another card over, this one with her picture on the front of it.  

And the woman, whom he can glean is named Karen Talbot, seems just as unimpressed by this as she had by May's appearance. Morpheus feels anger swell up inside of him for this foul creature's disrespect. He very rarely cares for what mortals think of him, but he can see from Karen's thoughts that her opinion of May is a low thing, one full of prejudice and assumption. Unwed and with child, a morally unacceptable state by her small-minded reckoning. Never mind that May is kind and loving and his… Well, his nothing now, he supposes. She does not belong to him any longer, can be called nothing else in regards to him save for being referred to as the mother of his child.  

He'd like to pretend he doesn't understand why that realization drives a spike of pain through his heart, but he cannot. It would be too large of a lie for him to swallow.  

The receptionist casts a discourteous, dubious look at him. "And are you a… party to this?" She gestures towards May. "Maybe an… acquaintance of hers?" 

May seeks to intercede, clearly trying to save him from having to interact with this loathsome female. "Oh, no. He's-" 

"Her husband," Morpheus supplies before he can stop himself. He's not given to lying usually, not one to truly waste his time with falsehoods, and yet in these circumstances he almost feels it necessary.  

"She indicated she was single on the intake forms," Karen argues, and in that instant he begins crafting his most terrifying punishment for her, begins envisioning what horror he will visit on her when he dooms her to an eternity of never ending sleep with his most savage Nightmares.  

"An oversight clearly excused by her condition, I assure you," he practically growls in response. It is a petty thing, perhaps, to allow some of his power into the words, to touch this woman's mind with a hint of the nightmarish hell he's capable of inflicting upon her, but he relishes it all the same. The receptionist pales, and he takes a sort of perverse pleasure in that as well.  

"Sorry for that. I'm his wife. Pregnancy brain is absolutely real and absolutely horrible," May interjects, her voice an octave higher than usual in something that Morpheus would call panic. "Should we just wait over here then? That would… probably be best."  

The receptionist is staring at Morpheus with wide, terrified eyes as she shakily holds out a clipboard with a stack of papers atop it. "I… um… I need him to fill out the… the forms." 

"Right. The forms," May answers, far too quickly as she snatches a pen from the cup of them on the desk. "We'll get those taken care of and back to you in a jiffy." 

And then she's grabbing hold of Morpheus' sleeve and tugging him impatiently to a set of chairs at the farthest end of the room.  

"Don't do that," she hisses when they've sat down. "The poor woman looked like she was going to have a heart attack." 

"Poor woman? She should consider herself fortunate that you intervened, else she would have been thrust into the most abhorrent, cruel fate I was capable of rendering unto a mortal. Do you know what she was thinking of you? Do you have any idea how grievously she was judging you?" he hisses right back. 

"Even without my magic, I was picking up on it. Okay? But you don't need to worry about that. I'm a big girl. I can handle someone not approving of my life choices."  

He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He doesn't care, her thoughts ring out in his mind. He's just got a vested interest in the baby, and you're housing the baby, so get a hold of yourself.  

"I could not stand idly by while she spoke to you so disrespectfully." 

The sound she makes is one of immense irritation. "Well, you defended my honor and now there's a stack of paperwork for me to fill out, so thanks for that." 

He doesn't know what she expects him to say to that, as he's certainly not going to apologize. But… then he remembers that he had been trying to lighten the load of her stress, and a sense of misgiving washes over him. 

"You need not manage this on my behalf." He reaches out decisively to pluck the clipboard from her lap. "I am more than capable of this task."

"Hey!" she whisper-protests. "Don't… Just let me do it. It's-" 

"I will see to this. It is not up for discussion." 

May purses her lips and then puts her hands up, palm out, in a gesture of surrender. "Okay. Fine. Have it your way." 

Christ on a potato, he's really rocking that surly, toddler temper tantrum energy now, she thinks.  

Morpheus gives her a side-eyed glare for that comment, despite that she had not actually spoken it aloud, before he starts on the forms. It only takes him a few minutes to realize that he might… be on unsteady footing regarding this specific undertaking. Of course, he refuses to accept her assistance or admit anything resembling defeat, so he forges ahead with what he'd set out to do.  

She tries several more times to help him in poring over the frankly obscene number of redundant questions he's required to answer, but he only waves her attempts away. And for a time she seems to settle, though he knows that she is merely taking a different approach as he can feel her eyes on him still, watching while he ticks away at the multitude of boxes. She says nothing, staying silent until he comes to the form titled Medical History.  

May chokes out a muted laugh and reaches over to tap the page where he'd just written I am no more tense than usual, certainly not enough to warrant use of the word hyper beside one of the boxes.  

"Yeah. Cross that out," May instructs him blithely. "Hypertension is a condition where mortals have high blood pressure, which… you don't even have blood if you don't want to." 

As he strikes an angry line through the sentence, he cannot help his scowl. "This is irritatingly tedious."

She shrugs as if his ire is of no real concern to her. "I offered to do it for you." 

"This entire outing is an exercise in futility, wholly pointless considering that this mortal doctor will likely be unable to assist you in any meaningful way." 

Her face falls, a sudden melancholy coming over her that brings him up short. "Just… don't start that." 

Her thoughts this time are very loud, and he ponders over the curious phenomenon anew. Typically, he has to actively seek the mental workings of another out. He's not used to having such things projected into his awareness, and hers seem to be growing in intensity and volume with every occurrence. I'm such an idiot. Of fucking course he couldn't just stow his crap and let me get help. Never mind that I think I'm actually dying or something. Even that isn't important enough to get him to cool it.   

Dying? Is she truly fearful that her… her illness is so dire? 

His shoulders drop from where they'd been unconsciously tensed, and he blinks several times as he scrutinizes her more closely. She's a gaunt thing, he realizes then, from the dark smudges under her eyes to the unnatural pallor of her skin. Her lips are dry and cracked in places, one particular spot on the lower one especially red as if she is so dehydrated that the skin there is breaking apart and bleeding. 

In that moment, he feels vile, loathsome, like nothing less than the most revolting sort of pond scum, like his treatment of her in this instance is even more contemptible than the receptionist's had been. Despite their past and his upset over it, May is currently grappling with something he cannot understand, rendered weak and weary from the weight of his seed growing inside of her. She is uncharacteristically afraid, he can see now, drained of her magic and suffering from what he'd unintentionally done to her by getting her with child in the first place.  

And all he has offered her in return for this burden she's carrying is his petulant sullenness, his mean-spirited pessimism. 

"I… apologize," he murmurs before he can even stop to consider what he's saying, "if I've given you cause to feel you must argue with me on this matter. It… was not my intention." 

Her expression gentles, and her eyes well with tears that she hastily wipes at. "It's… I get it. This… isn't what you're used to." 

"Nonetheless, it is… no excuse for my churlishness." 

She nods, and his heart wrenches uncomfortably with how very bereft she seems as she does so. "It's… okay." 

His eyes narrow as he considers this acceptance from her. How very easily she forgives him. How quickly she dismisses his faults in having behaved so abhorrently towards her.  

How different things might have been between them if only he were capable of doing the same.  

He must not think of that, must not imagine what could have been. That part of their relationship is done, the path of it obliterated and lost so that only mere echoes of it remain, but he knows that they can learn to do better by one another going forward. With the both of them preparing to parent a child together, they truly have no other choice in the matter. 

"And how shall I answer this?" he asks as he points randomly at a word on the checklist of mortal maladies before him. It is an olive branch of sorts, a gesture meant to demonstrate to her that he is willing to listen. 

Suspiciously, her eyes flick up at him before she turns them down to where he's indicated. 

"Heart disease? I'm pretty sure you know you don't have that." A barely there smile tugs her lips up, and it is a sad thing to behold, like the drooping petals of a wilting flower trying to bloom. "You could probably just answer no to everything. It's… what I did." 

"Very well." 

"And… whatever you do, don't put down how many actual glasses of wine you can consume in a day when it gets to that part." 

He frowns at her, his mind working to make sense of what she's just told him. "I assume… it would be a tell that I am not… normal then," he guesses. 

Her eyes sparkle faintly with an unexpected mirth, a sort of teasing shine to them that is still dulled somehow. "Big yes. Biggest yes ever." 

"I see." 

When he's finished, May cautiously takes the forms from his hand to look over everything, and he surrenders the papers to her without dissent. A month ago, such an act on her part would have infuriated him, but he's… regretful. The self-hatred he feels in the wake of his actions is churning inside of him violently, forcing him to an apologetic tentativeness. And May has always had a far better sense of the norms in this realm than he, a truth he had recognized very early in their relationship when they made their occasional trips into the Waking. He supposes that she would be the best to ensure his answers are satisfactory.  

After she's scanned it all twice, she goes to stand, and he stays her with a hand on her arm. 

"What is it? I'm just heading over there to hand this to the receptionist."

"Sit," he orders roughly before gentling his tone. "I shall do so in your stead." 

May hesitates. "You're not going to do anything else to… anyone, are you?" 

It takes him a minute before he understands her meaning. The receptionist. She's worried for the receptionist. It is only with great control that he keeps his expression from darkening in remembrance. That woman had been abysmally rude to May, had treated her as if she were less than, as if she were something low and offensive, and all May is concerned with is making sure he doesn't exact retribution on the human. He struggles to reconcile her kindness, her goodness, with the fact that she had assuredly composed spells for that infernal grimoire, had written the very one that ensnared him even.  

"I will… merely deliver these documents and then return to you. No… further defense of your honor, as you call it." 

"Morpheus-" 

"You have my word."

That seems to assuage her fear as she huffs out a resigned sigh before passing him the clipboard, and he rises to his feet, stalking to where Karen is still watching him with wide eyes, her whole demeanor like that of a rat with a hungry hawk swooping overhead. 

Good. 

"The… n-nurse should… should take her back in a… in a minute," Karen informs him as she holds out May's cards for him between her trembling fingers. 

Morpheus glares as he bites his tongue on saying what he wishes to, which is that she is a poor example of humanity given to ignorance and the most foolish of the moral mires inherent in her society. But he… refuses to speak such truths given that by doing so he would only serve to further distress his… to further distress May, and he does not wish to see any more troubled than she already is.  

"Very well," he grants instead, even as he idly wonders if it would be a violation of his oath to May were he to send this woman a particularly foul nightmare when next she slept. Something, perhaps, that might assist her in loosening her hold on her hateful prejudices.  

"Thank you, Karen." May says, startling him as she appears at his side, taking her cards from the woman to slide them back inside her bag. "Did I hear you say the nurse would come get me soon?" 

Karen, however, won't look away from Morpheus, and any other time he might take a sense of pride in her obvious fear. Now, however, he's too busy peering down at May in confusion. Had she not trusted him to do this? Had she believed that he would disregard his vow to her on leaving the mortal woman be?  

Why does the thought of her so thoroughly doubting him… hurt? 

He has no time to question her on any of this, though, as the door closest to him opens and another human steps out of it, a clipboard held in her hand as well. 

"Michaela Westin?"  

"That's me. I'm here. Hi." May smiles brightly, a veneer of polite cheer on her features that Morpheus thinks is but a mask. He's noticed her doing that often in the past few weeks, smiling as if she means it despite the air of hopelessness around her most of the time.  

"Hello there! I'm Annabeth. Let's get you back into a room, sweetheart, and then I'll get some more information from you before we get started." 

As May steps past him, it's instinct for him to rest his hand on the small of her back, to guide her so that she's walking slightly in front of him as they both cross this threshold.  

He follows her into the inner sanctum of the physician's office, trailing after the nurse as she leads them through the labyrinthine mess of hallways and doors before ushering them into a room, a sterile, clinically white space with a large window and a rather tall bed pushed up against the farthest wall. There's a chair off to one corner and May directs him to it, shoving her bag into his stomach as she demurely asks, "Will you hold this for me, love muffin?" 

Love… muffin? Love muffin? What a preposterous way to refer to him. The unmitigated cheek of this foolhardy female. It is only with a herculean effort that he manages to bite back his waspish response as he settles into the seat, glowering at her while he adjusts her bag in his hold. 

But then… the nurse has her step on a scale, writing down May's weight with a worried frown that makes Morpheus instantly forget his annoyance at her insolent epithet for him. 

"Why don't you hop up on the table for me, and I'll get some more vitals."

A strange panic is overwhelming him, but May seems calm, so he tries to placate himself as well, using her reactions a a guidepost for his own. When May's sitting on the bed, the nurse puts an odd device around the uppermost part of her arm, a cuff of some sort with a tube and a humming machine attached to it. 

And May remains relaxed. 

"It'll get tight, sugar," the nurse warns, and Morpheus tries to distract himself as she presses a button on the device. He studies this nurse, this Annabeth. She is… kinder than the receptionist had been, her mind drastically more pleasant, and he can read from it that she thinks May appears… sickly, more sickly than she should perhaps be. It's not quite fear she has, though, but more pity, a genuine compassionate urge to tend to May which Morpheus finds that he wholeheartedly approves.  

May winces, and suddenly Morpheus can take no more. He moves to rise, to go to her, to put an immediate end to this madness where she is being poked and prodded before him, but she stops him with a pointed glare. "I'm fine, dear. They're just checking my blood pressure."

Annabeth looks between May and Morpheus, her eyebrows raising in puzzlement before she seems to comprehend something that makes her laugh. "Oh, I get it. Protective husband is an overprotective daddy."

It's the wrong thing to say. 

The blood visibly drains from May's face, and Morpheus feels himself stiffen in shock. Their eyes meet, his and hers, and he can see the sadness there, the clear pain of what could have been. "He's… um… definitely going to be an overprotective dad," May replies, all of her quiet. Broken.

Annabeth, seemingly oblivious to this exchange, goes on with her task of scribbling things down on her clipboard. "Aw, don't fret about it, sweetie. The good ones get that way sometimes. I've had four myself, and my husband wouldn't even let me have my mornin' coffee because he was afraid the babies would come out with three heads or somethin'. It was frustratin' at the time, but in hindsight it was kinda darlin' of him."

Morpheus tears his eyes away from the woman he had once sought to marry, gathers himself as best as he can, and asks hoarsely, "I have read that women in such a state should not partake of caffeine."

Annabeth grins and wags a finger in his direction. "Now you don't start on her if she wants a cup or two. A little won't hurt anybody, even that tiny one of yours. And she sure looks like she could use a pick me up. Don't make it so she's gotta start keepin' a coffee machine and all the necessary fixins in her car like I had to."

May's unexpected laugh is beautiful, wholly melodic. "Your husband caused you to have to stealth brew coffee in your car?"

"Well, I'm fairly certain I'm eighty-seven percent caffeine, so I needed it like most people gotta have oxygen."

The smile May gives is genuine, her usual expression of enjoyment at having someone to converse with, and it strikes Morpheus that perhaps she is… lonely. "You're kind of making me want some coffee now, Annabeth."

"Good luck gettin' it past Mr. Overprotective over there."

To hear May laugh again loosens something in his chest, something that's had a ruthless hold of him since he'd feared she had been taken earlier. He tries to speak, to say anything, but his words are stuck in his throat as emotion swells within him. He loathes that he loves her, that he cares for her still despite that he should not. 

"All righty. Any other symptoms you want me to put in your chart for the doctor, sweetie?" Annabeth questions, and the sound of the nurse's voice snaps him out of his thoughts. "It says on your form that you've been gettin' sick."

May's easy contentment falters, her face falling. "I… Yes."

"How often, would you say?  

May casts a hesitant glance at Morpheus before turning her attention back to Annabeth. "Almost… every hour."

"You been keepin' anything down at all?" the nurse asks with a frown, her brows furrowed in concern as she scrutinizes May anew. 

May begins fidgeting again, something that she only engages in when she's especially nervous, and he feels his heart sink with dread. "Um… no. I don't think so."

Nothing at all? He had known that she was suffering from morning sickness, but to be retaining no nourishment cannot be safe for her or their child. Alarm floods him as the nurse moves to a cabinet and begins rummaging around in it. 

"Lord Mercy, that sounds horrid," she says as she pulls her hand free with a large rectangle of fabric clutched between her fingers. "I'm gonna need you to get undressed from the waist down and put this over your lap. We'll try to do the ultrasound abdominally at first, but if we can't get a good picture we'll switch to the transvaginal." She points to two buttons on the wall. "Press this green one when you're ready, and Dr. Martin will have a look at you and the baby, see if he can't figure out something to help you with that nausea."

Help. Yes… May needs help. For the first time since he'd began this little excursion with her, Morpheus thinks he finally understands why she'd felt desperate enough to seek any healer out, even one mortal and ill-suited to treat her.

"That sounds great," May breathes out, a relief in her tone that cuts at Morpheus. He'd been ready to stop her today, had been so aggravated at what he perceived to be a ridiculous folly that he'd threatened to forcibly shift her home. 

Annabeth grabs her papers and exits the room, leaving a heavy silence in her wake.

May undoes the top button of her pants before she at last spares him a glance. "Can you… look away? Maybe turn around or…"

He wants to remind her that he's seen her naked body more times than this planet they're on has had stars crash into its surface, but she seems unnerved again, altogether stressed by how he might respond to this request of hers. 

"If you wish, I could wait outside." 

May shakes her head. "No, that's fine. Just turn around. If I send you out of the room, they'll assume we're fighting or something." 

Dutifully, he faces away from her. "Ah, yes. It is important they do not see through the lie." 

"Hey, that's not on me," she tells him over the shuffling sounds she's making. "You told them we were married. I was perfectly fine with them thinking I liked to sleep around or that we'd just gotten blackout drunk one night in Vegas and knocked boots without a condom." 

He hadn't been fine with it, however. No matter her apparent acceptance of such a thing, the thought of her being viewed, being treated as less than had grated on him. "It doesn't… bother you? That they might… judge you so harshly for something they know nothing of?" 

"Nope. Believe it or not, humans are pretty cool about that stuff these days. Well, most of them. The bitchy receptionist was a fluke." 

"May-" 

She huffs out a short laugh. "Sorry. Sorry. I know. You don't like that word." 

His forehead creases."No, that is not… what I was intending to speak to you of. Please feel free to apply whatever colorful language you would like concerning that foul creature who greeted us upon entering." 

"Wow. She really did piss you off, huh?" 

He can hear the noise of paper crinkling behind him, and he wonders what exactly she's doing back there. "She angered me greatly. Her… attitude towards you was… unacceptable." 

The sounds stop as she responds, "There are always going to be people who think badly of you here. You… get used to it after a while." 

He can't help his scoff. "Is that meant to convince me that her behavior wasn't insulting?" 

"Nope. It's just… It is what it is. There's no point in letting it upset you… Also, you can turn around now if you want." 

She's sitting on the table, that mask of false cheer back on her face, the rectangle of fabric spread out over her bare lap, and without the benefit of a thick sweater on her, he can see exactly why the nurse had seemed uneasy when she'd taken May's weight. She's assuredly gotten thinner, likely a side effect of being unable to properly partake of  any nourishment. Panic twists his stomach into a knot. 

"Why… did you not inform me of how ill you were?" His voice is ragged with emotion, with the great well of battling sentiments inside of him. 

The mask slides off of her features, and she glances down guiltily at the floor, twiddling her fingers in a restlessness that speaks to her trepidation. "It just… wasn't something that I really could work into a conversation, you know? Or something I even thought you'd care about. Like, what was I supposed to say? Oh I know you hate me and all but by the way, I'm really sick." 

It's the second time she's mentioned him hating her, and despite the fact that he wishes he did, he's all too aware that he seems incapable of such a feeling where she's concerned. "Regardless of what you might assume, I do not… hate you." 

Her thoughts, when they filter through his mind, are devastating, wrenching his heart with all the vengeful viciousness of their separation. But you do. I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. You might not want to admit it out loud, but you… you hate me. And I… hate me a little too. If only I could…. If only…. Never mind. It doesn't matter.  

He opens his mouth to address this, to deny it, but he falters, his words stuck on the tip of his tongue. After all, what might he say to correct this belief of hers? What could he honestly give her that would change her mind? How can he adequately explain his feelings when he doesn't even understand them himself? 

"You wanna press the button for me? So… I don't have to get up and all." 

Dejectedly, he reaches out to do just that, but... something gives him pause. There's an odd smell in the air, an acrid hint of ozone and burning leaves, all melded with the iron tang of blood. His power flares at the scent, a warning shooting through his awareness like a bolt of lightning striking a tree.  

Outside the room they're in, it's gone eerily silent. Deathly so, he would almost say, and when he expands his perception to get a read on who or what is near them, he's met with a disturbing blankness, one he's only ever known during the time he was trapped in that binding circle at Fawney Rig, the time all those decades ago that he was made powerless by Roderick Burgess.  

And in that moment, Morpheus knows two things with utter surety. The first is that he was indeed correct when he'd surmised earlier that May was in danger outside Viego's wards, that she had been reckless to leave them on her own. Obviously, something or someone has been tracking her, lying in wait for the opportunity they might have were she to be free of the ward's protections. The second thing he knows, and perhaps the part that most worries him, is that whatever or whomever has been on her trail is in this building with them. Right now.

NEXT CHAPTER

Tag List for BBHAP: @julesandro

If anyone else wants to be added to this or anything else let me know!!! <3

#dad!morpheus #morpheus x oc #morpheus x reader #sandman fic #sandman fanfiction #dream of the endless #morpheus fic #sandman oc #sandman x reader #morpheus fanfiction #dream of the endless x reader #morpheus x pregnant oc #BBHAP

[ladyluscinia]

man i have been eyebrow deep in your blackhands tag for most of the afternoon and i am co signing izzy with murderbestie anne bonny. let this stressed lil dude have a friend that isn't his codependency partner/boss please. and yes, let ed be jealous and possessive as fuck - it's unhealthy but so fun! which seems like a long way to say: do you have any izzy&anne thoughts??

I have been sitting on this ask for a while (like, months 😅) because I was super excited for murderbesties thoughts and did not feel I had the time to do them justice, but today is the end of my holiday so huzzah!

My Izzy and Anne thoughts are numerous! My Anne thoughts in general are numerous, so let's see if I can wrangle them into some kind of order...

Ok, so my Anne and Izzy murderbestie agenda started in this post, and I've been mentally building it up since then. I've also been mentally entwining it with my Izzy and Jack thoughts (especially since posting my JackHands manifesto) but I don't think I've actually posted any of the Izzy + Anne + Jack (+ Mary + Edward) stuff. If I ever write a fic with side characters I'll probably incorporate some version of it all (possibly even if S2 contradicts it) but that could be a very long wait so no point in keeping close to the chest.

I guess the best place to start would be basic Anne headcanons?

---

Anne Bonny

First, more-uniquely me thing... I know a lot of people in the Izzy sphere take their headcanons back to everyone sailing together under Hornigold - no offense intended, those are fun - but I think it adds to Hornigold's terror factor if he really is more just the demon from Edward's childhood (and Jack's), so Izzy and Anne both come into the story post-Hornigold. Izzy shortly after Edward and Jack escape, and then Anne after Jack sets out on his own.

I am a huge fan of disaster woman Anne Bonny. She is not cool. She is not suave. This woman is Calico Jack's First Mate and she matches his energy exactly! #LetWomenBeAwful

I am also a huge fan of lesbian Anne Bonny. This is in part because I love the idea that she genuinely respects Jack and likes him for his personality, and she cannot even blame trashy horniness for it. And Izzy needs a bestie with zero sexual tension to offset the whole everything he has going on with Edward, so win-win.

So Anne is Jack's Izzy - devoted to him, they've been together forever, kinda codependent but handling it better on account of not actually having massive unaddressed romantic and sexual feelings, an excellent pirate team, etc. Jack is actually impressively cunning under his frat bro exterior, and Anne has got some faintly hero-worship "Yes Captain"-ing going on too, just to really drive home the parallel (though she's a lot more boisterous and yet somehow subtle about it than Izzy). I also had thoughts on the prospect of her mutining Jack.

Complex Relationship Stuff

Anne and Izzy got along great from the start. Izzy had developed a fondness for Jack's personality before he struck out on his own, and Anne is enough like him that she easily clicks into the friend group the first time they meet back up. Also Izzy and Anne get paired up by fate for a few sidequests that cement their bond independent of Jack and Edward. They both are very good at killing people. Murderbesties for life! 😘 Anne also calls out Izzy being stupid obvious about his tumultuous love life and she conveys "I get it. Not in an In-Love-with-my-Captain way, but in a Deep-Devotion, I'd-Die-for-Him way so..." and then she becomes Izzy's Edward-Drama drinking buddie.

Important related point - Anne and Edward aren't really friends. Like she is very much Izzy's friend / Jack's platonic wife that Edward is professionally cordial with, and she does make him feel a bit like the odd man out when she visits. This is important for "world doesn't revolve around Edward" reasons, drama reasons, and funny reasons.

The drama reasons are Edward's abandonment issues getting him all worked up and possessive about Izzy having a friend, only soothed by the fact Izzy always comes back and Anne's exclusion from the romantic rival category.

The funny reasons are Anne, completely wasted, grabbing Izzy's shoulder, failing miserably to look him dead in the eye, and slurring "Leave the bastard, you're too good for him. He's a fucking... A loser. Loser bastard!" and Izzy replying, equally drunk and scandalized, "He's Blackbeard!"

Anne's romantic advice to Izzy is usually along the lines of Dump Him, but she also gets pissed at Edward on Izzy's behalf like a true bestie. Her reaction to the whole Stede thing would be a treat. Izzy frequently discounts her romantic advice because he a) is way too deep in this toxic marriage to back down that easy, and b) knows she has her own disaster thing going on with Mary so clearly is in no position to be giving advice. (This is true.)

Edward, meanwhile, is professionally cordial with Anne. He respects her skill, thinks Jack picked a good First Mate, and acknowledges her place in Izzy's life (begrudgingly, and with many private freak outs). He also feels a wave of dread every time Anne rolls up to the ship and considers her a bad influence, which is hilarious to everyone in their social circle (ex: Spanish Jackie). Izzy is a lot more chill and reckless around Anne, and she's not going to be the responsible one so Edward kinda has to... and he's not great at it. Goes from fun to anxiety inducing real fast. He's relieved when she has to get back to Jack, and thinks she's a bit better when Jack is around (mainly because Jack is leading the plans).

(Mary can help with responsibility - being a bit more of an escape plan oriented follower - but she's got those "what happens, happens" vibes and gets caught up in Anne / Jack's wake super easily.)

Cycling back to Jack, when I say Anne is his platonic wife I mean they totally got married for an insane plan once and she knows all his business, so she naturally does have an opinion on her boss's massive torch for Izzy. Mostly that it's kinda sad, but Calico Jack is her guy even more than Izzy, so she's also kinda rooting for him in that way where she doesn't really want to think about them together but hopes he moves on from Izzy happily. Jack does not get the "stop waiting for scraps of affection" talks like Izzy does, despite maybe deserving them more. He's also better at not wallowing in his rejected love when Izzy isn't in front of him, though, so that contributes.

And finally the Jack / Mary / Anne mess. I play with different dynamics for this one, but crucially Mary has (at least in the past) hooked up with Jack, and is hardcore into Anne, but their relationship is plagued by commitment issues.

If I'm feeling SteddyHands mirroring, then usually Mary is going back and forth between Jack and Anne and they have a weird thruple thing going on, only they act more like it's an open relationship / not that serious on all sides (because of the commitment issues all around) and then get pissed at each other for the same act. The ideal final form is "This is my girlfriend, Mary, and this is her [X]friend, [XXXX]." Followed by Jack and Anne calling each other husband / wife for a joke.

If I'm not feeling mirroring, then I do think it's really fun if Anne has to deal with dating her boss's ex that he's still on good enough terms to flirt with even if it's definitely over, and Mary has to deal with her girlfriend being more devoted to her ex than her for the rest of time, even if it's an entirely different kind of devotion. Also Jack and Anne are still platonically married and it is weird as fuck.

Izzy approves of Mary. He thinks she's a respectable pirate, absolutely lethal, and she gets bonus likability points because she's been backup on enough raids that she treats Izzy like a weapon of mass destruction when battle planning and he's very flattered.

Izzy has also been Anne's drunken sympathetic ear through issues with Mary or Jack (or both, when Anne gets that in her head), and he has - entirely obvious to the irony - listened to Anne sob over how she can't live without Mary and responded "Have you told her that?" (Anne had not, and would not when sober again.) He is self aware enough that he's never once advised her to drop Jack and go sail under someone else, though.

Random Other Thoughts

Hmm... Oh! Big one - I think Anne has mad tattoo skills. She's done a few of Edward's and some of her crew members (and a few small but gorgeous ones for Mary), but her real masterpiece is a really complex ship and waves on Izzy's back that she did over multiple sessions and adds details and touchups to pretty regularly. Izzy doesn't let many people tattoo him and Anne is at the top of the list.

Anne and Stede get off on the wrong foot, like, instantly. Stede is still in his "trouble remembering Izzy exists" era and entirely fails to hide his surprise that he has a friend, Anne thinks Stede is boring as fuck and openly boos his suggested activities, Stede gets the Calico Jack First Mate reveal and sours even faster... It's a whole thing. If we're doing SteddyHands she thinks Izzy is actively losing his mind when she realizes he's even considering doing that.

The murderbesties do lots of murder. A typical Anne visit is short and sweet, where she catches Blackbeard's ship because she wants to borrow Izzy to back her up on a precision naval fort strike or something. They get drenched in blood, kill a bunch of people, and usually rush to get back to the ship with their loot before anyone notices. This leads to a very relaxed and bloodstained Izzy, Edward having trouble looking pretty much anywhere else, and Anne placing bets with veteran crew on when the two of them will disappear. Later Izzy and Anne split the most expensive bottle of booze they managed to grab before she heads back to her own stuff.

Anne slept with Spanish Jackie once, out of curiosity more than anything. She recommends it. Izzy still insists she was so deep in celebratory booze that there's no way she fucking remembers enough to recommend shit. Jackie doesn't kiss and tell.

---

I think that's plenty of thoughts for now. I wish I was the kind of fic writer who could have a whole series about these two out by now, but alas. Headcanon / fic concept posts will have to do.

Thank you for the chance to gush on them and get all my thoughts in one place!

#our flag means death #izzy hands ofmd #calico jack ofmd #give me anne bonny #blackbeard ofmd #blackhands #jackhands #and murderbesties forever #also mentions of #steddyhands #ask #ladyluscinia

[pbandjesse]

Today was another mostly resting day. I have a little cough and I keep feeling winded. But today was a nice day.

I woke up absolutely exhausted though. It was not fun. I was so tired. When my alarm went off I just felt so miserable. I texted Jess and James and just laid there for a long time.

When I did finally get up I decided that getting dressed would help me feel better. And I was mostly right. I washed my face and wore the new fleece my mom for me for Christmas. It helped. I wasn't doing amazing but I was alright.

Once I was dressed I decided I would go out. I got a drink and collected the bags of donations I have and headed out. I decided not to wear a jacket. Not for any specific reason. It was cold enough. But I did not want to carry it and because of climate change it was 45 degrees on December 30th. So it was fine. Even if it was windy.

I was a little stressed when I had less then a quarter tank of gas. And this is going to seem very silly but I do not pump my own gas. I have maybe done it a dozen times ever. And honestly probably less. I don't like it. I don't like the smell. I don't like the idea that it could spill. I have forgotten my zip code when paying and had my card declined. I cannot stand it. James pumps the gas. But it got forgotten about when they were running errands and so I was stressed I would have to do it.

So I wouldn't have to do it, I decided to not go to many places. I would go to savers and target and then I would go home.

I was feeling stressed though. I also didn't want to look at clothes really. And I didn't want many things. So while I enjoyed looking I wasn't there for long. I enjoyed my podcast and I enjoyed walking around. And I did find a couple neat things. This beautiful doll bench. A new bento box, in the same brand as the one I use all the time so it'll be nice to have a second. A basket for the windowsill for all the things I like having near me in bed. A ridiculous pair of orange pants for camp. I had fun.

After I paid I headed to target. I was hoping they were going to have the new girl scout cookie deodorant but they did not. I'll try again next week. But I was happy to get some 70% off chocolate from Christmas. And I tried a new dry shampoo that I'll keep at work. My hair felt kind of greasy in the back and I am annoyed about that. I for sure want to budget to get a perm again, because it didn't really get greasy when it was curly. I will have to make an effort to find someone to do that. Maybe near work.

I went home after that and was still very stressed about gas but thankfully it was fine. James would fill the tank later.

I was pretty hungry during the drive home. I had gotten a little box of cake bites to have with lunch. So I ate two of those on the drive.

When I got back here I was excited to see someone putting out free stuff at their garage. I got a brass bowl and she gave me a huge bag of yarn and crochet hooks. Amazing. She was very nice.

I got inside and made fake chicken and a salad for lunch. I decorated a metal cup I got with stickers. I hung out in the studio for a bit but then I just felt. Cold and tired.

I changed into my sweatsuit again. And would move from bedroom to living room and back. Watching videos and resting. I felt super winded. And I really just wanted James to come home.

The would come home a little late though. They went for a little extra bike ride. But they would come back at 5 and give me hugs before they headed out again.

They got gas and went to their parents house to drop something off. And then got us burger king for dinner. We are together on the couch and talked about new years and plans and just enjoyed being together.

And now I am just super tired. James just finished rerecording a few lines for their podcast and Sweetp is being so cute acting like Velcro. And I am ready to sleep.

I love you all. Goodnight

[rhythmgamer]

shashi lore

did you guys know that i have engaged in underage drinking (had a can of beer two months before turning 20) (age of drinking is 21 in india) (it was completely safe btw i was with three other trusted friends in a restaurant inside a mall)

anyway all i can say is:

1. ordinary beer sucks it tastes awful

2. alcohol is a depressant it will make you sleepy and in general i don't believe it lives up to the hype (though maybe cus i only had one can but still. disappointing. wouldn't recommend)

3. i don't support drinking i just had a can because i was curious. my curiosity has been satisfied and I haven't touched alcohol again ever since i first had beer 8 months ago. i really do not recommend it cus it really isn't worth it kind of a waste of money and time (to me at least) BUT! just in case if you ever feels curious like me....

4. during first time drinking, ALWAYS BE AROUND PEOPLE YOU CAN TRUST AND WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU IF NEEDED TO!! i just got sleepy from the alcohol so there wasn't much trouble i just took a half-hour nap after that. but i had friends to look over me in that half-hour. and not everyone reacts to alcohol in the same way. so first time drinking always consume it in the presence of friends who you can trust to take care of you and be in a safe space. like where (preferably) they're always next to you or can come to your aid whenever you need them. never accept drinks from strangers, never drink and drive, do not drink alone in a public place (private places like your own home are fine ofc), in case if you DO plan to drink alone in a place not your home, always make sure there's a friend who'll be ready to pick you up in case things go wrong. this wasn't supposed to become an advice post but i figured everyone should be aware of these stuff

i cannot stress it enough that my first drinking experience went smoothly without any drama cus i had friends by my side who looked after me while i was sleepy and napped. once again i do not endorse drinking cus i definitely found it a waste of money and time, but still stay safe no matter what you do 👍

#shashi lore #cw alcohol #this was supposed to be random shashi lore how did this become so big

[filmnoirsbian]

what happened the night you got arrested?

alright alright gather round kids let me tell you a thing & imma tag liz @bronteangel because she was there too

ok so most of yall know im a military brat, and i spent my teenage years in germany. im assuming most of you are also aware of the drinking culture in germany, and the fact that you can legally drink beer and wine at 16 or 14 if you’re tall with boobs and a go-getter attitude and you can legally drink the hard shit at 18 because germany (and basically the rest of the world) doesn’t have ass backwards logic and can recognize that if you can vote and die for your country then maybe you can also have a beer cough cough america

anyways! so i moved stateside at the ripe old age of 19, by which time i had been drinking pretty regularly for about five years. listen. when you have been doing something for five years with no issues, and then suddenly are told you have to stop because even though you are literally a legal adult your government thinks alcohol might be Too Much for your delicate sensibilities, you’re probably gonna just laugh, say “yea right,” and decide you just won’t get caught

short version of this story: liz and i got caught

long version of this story:

liz and i met in high school overseas, and she moved back to michigan a year before i moved back to north carolina, so my first summer back she decided to come down and visit me. which was fun! we tried to renovate a house, which did not take, and hung out with my cousins and shit. we also got arrested for drinking underage

well, technically, liz (who was 20) got arrested for drinking underage. i (who was 19, but also drunk and kind of a dumbass, and lied to the cops and said i was 21) got arrested for giving alcohol to minors

backing up a little, what happened was this: we did not set out to get drunk that night. we honestly weren’t even planning on drinking. honest. we went to a nonalcoholic hookah bar with some guys i knew from work, who were both of age, and were having a fine enough, decidedly sober time when we ran into a childhood friend of mine, named nic

nic and i met when we were kids, and our parents were friends, but we fell out of contact when i left the country. he was also my first kiss, and i was, as stated, kind of a dumbass. at the time i thought it was serendipity or some shit

nic was 19 too, btw. but he still had a bottle of tequila stashed in his mom’s minivan that he passed over to us. tbh the fact that he was driving his mom’s minivan really should have been Sign Number One that it was gonna be a shitty night

so we’re all passing the tequila around in a parking lot, hanging out, having fun, and then nic asks us if we want to go to a house party a few blocks away

IN OUR DEFENSE, nic offered to be dd, and we all believed he’d stay sober. plus we were already semi-drunk, and the night was young, blah blah blah. serendipity

anyway, we get to the party, stuff happens, idk that part of the night’s still a blur. pretty sure i walked in on an orgy in the bathroom. definitely sure i hooked up with nic. liz and i were either really good at beer pong, or so drunk that we thought we were really good at beer pong. eventually, someone mentions waffle house

waffle house, if you have never been, is sort of like a haven for drunk people lmao. it’s got cheap greasy breakfast food, it’s always open, and the staff never care how wasted you are as long as you don’t make a mess and you tip. plus everyone there is sort of just automatically happy, because it’s waffle house. waffle house is a beautiful place that exists in a yellow neon liminal space

so we all pile into nic’s mom’s minivan after he reassures us that yes he is good to drive, and we should all just ignore the fact that he’s holding an empty heineken can right that second

we are on the road for less than five minutes i shit you not, before we get pulled over. nic is clearly wasted. the rest of us are also clearly wasted. i, in my infinite drunken wisdom, decide to ditch all my ID’s in a bush as i step out of the vehicle, and lie about everything. fake name, fake age, fake ssn, fake phone number, all of it. somewhere out there is a file for some girl named Teresa Plaster, or something similar, with my fingerprints attached

to make matters worse (or maybe better, i’m not sure. if i ever get arrested by civilian police, i’ll compare the two) we weren’t actually arrested by regular cops, but instead by the mp’s because we were right outside the military base. so we get toted onto the base, fingerprinted, mugshotted, the whole nine yards. we’re all separated and held in different rooms. i’m wearing this pair of julia roberts boots that go above my knees, which they make me take off and then they look genuinely surprised when it turns out i don’t have a gun stashed down there. i’m not sure what the others do during that time, but i mostly flirt with one of the guards until we end up in a conversation about breaking bad

anyway, to conclude: we were all released later that morning. someone called nic’s mom, i’m assuming because it was her minivan, and i had to spend ten minutes painfully making small talk with her while knowing i’d just hooked up with her son, which was mortifying. liz called her own parents, because she’s a good person, and her dad still blames me for being a bad influence on his daughter (he’s not wrong). one of the guys that was with us ended up paying a fine, but the other one just sort of?? disappeared?? none of us heard from him after that night and i’m not convinced he didn’t just die or something. nic lost his license for like 6 months i think. i’m sure that somewhere, someone sent Teresa Plaster a court date that she never showed up to

moral of the story: if you get arrested, just lie about who you are and then talk to one of the guards about breaking bad

actual moral of the story: don’t drink underage, or if you are going to drink underage, make sure you have a dd and that your dd is someone you can trust to stay sober ✌️

#a lot of things from that night are blurry at best but the actual arrest is seared into my memory #don't ever drink and drive i cannot stress that enough #asks

[dirty-jammies]

Viktor with a chubby partner (Viktor x Chubby!GN!Reader)

(Gesturing to his gorgeous lover ❤️)

(Gif by https://solidago-sempervirens.tumblr.com/ )

SFW

Do you want to be held? Because you are going to be held.

Viktor loves holding you close; feeling your warmth and softness is such a lovey juxtaposition of his clinical, hard lab work.

His hands feel perfect running over your soft curves, appreciating your shape.

He gets handsy with you without even noticing! You could be standing next to each other and his hands will just gravitate towards you, finding a waist, hip, butt, or thigh to slide onto.

If you bring it up, he'll get flustered, then joke about it being your fault.

"When my love is this attractive, I can't help but be drawn in like a magnet, my dear."

(If you really don't like him groping you, tell him and he'll stop)

If you were ever bullied for being fat/chubby, that will never be a concern again.

As a former victim of bullying for his handicap, he knows how much it hurts. He's fiercely protective of you. If anyone ever teases you for your size, they are either going to be loudly cursed out by your 6'4 lover, or tripped/whacked with a cane (or both. probably both.)

Loves seeing you wear comfy clothes, like big sweaters and soft pajamas. The perfect night for him would be snuggled up next to you on a large, comfy sofa, wearing your pajamas and curled up under a big quilt, reading together and drinking warm sweetmilk.

Will never police what/how much you eat.

(This is the man who will wine and dine you at Piltover's finest restaurant one night, and the next work until late then stumble home at 1 am with two greasy take-out boxes of Jericho's to share with you because he missed the undercity's junk food.)

He's always ready with a compliment, especially when you're feeling down or self-conscious. He loves you so dearly, and it pains him to see you upset about the body he adores.

"Darling, I know you might not be able to see it yourself, but you are absolutely stunning. There is no one else in the world I'd rather love." He would hold you close and press a warm kiss to your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, anywhere he could, peppering your whole face until your frown of self-doubt was replaced by a giggling smile.

He adores every part of you, simply because you're you.

(NSFW under cut 👀⬇️)

NSFW

Body. Worship.

I cannot stress this enough: he will admire every single inch of your body with his eyes, hands, and lips.

Every time he runs his hands over your body, your bare, soft curves, his eyes will glimmer as though he's just unwrapped the greatest present ever (I mean, he kind of has.)

He loves giving you oral. He would gladly spend hours between your thick thighs, feeling their warmth on either side of his head, cancelling all unnecessary noise besides your sweet moans. His fingers will dig into the fat of your thighs, and he can't help but leave hickeys on the soft skin there, marking them all up as his.

Won't admit it, but the first time you rode him, he swears he experienced heaven. The feeling of your full weight dropping onto his hard cock, you being so tight and hot inside, and seeing your gorgeous, perfect body writhing on top of him was akin to ecstasy for Viktor.

When he's on top, though, you see his more dominant side come out.

The sight of you, spread out under him, all for him, it makes him feel powerful, strong. He's possessive of you, every part of your body will have at least a few bite marks.

Loves hoisting your legs up over your head and using them to brace himself as he drives into you, as hard and deep as he could possibly go.

He loves seeing the movement of your body while you're making love. Every jiggle of your arms, stomach, or ass, how your skin turns such a pretty colour after he sucks a hickey into it... you're intoxicating to him.

He stops moving when you orgasm, even if it prolongs his own's buildup. He just becomes enraptured by the sight. Watching you throw your head back and cry out your pleasure. If you moan out his name, he might just cum right then and there. You are the most gorgeous soul he has ever met, and knowing that he can bring you such pleasure is quite the ego-boost for him.

After the sweat has cooled and you have both caught your breath, Viktor would get you towels, water, snacks... anything you needed. He'd help maneuver you both into whatever the comfiest cuddling position is.

He likes being the little spoon, feeling your warmth and softness envelop him and making him feel safe and loved. He also enjoys resting his head on your shoulder or chest with one of your arms around his shoulders (if you play with his hair like this, he will purr.)

Even if you're both exhausted after, he'll always whisper sweet pillow talk to you, easing you to bed with gentle kisses.

"That was incredible, my love... I adore you so, so much. Ah... forgive me for the marks on your neck, you just... do things to me."

#viktor arcane #viktor x reader #viktor x gn reader #Viktor smut #chubby reader #i will be the one to start the chubby! reader content goddamnit #Pajama Writes

[arminbitchlover]

yuji itadori nsfw alphabet

content warnings: creampie, dubcon, sensory deprivation kink, overstimulation, blindfold kink, mentions of intoxication and drug use, dacryphilia, & praise

itadori is aged up

DO NOT POST/SHARE MY WORK ON TIKTOK

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

there's two types of aftercares with itadori. if he had just finished fucking pounding into you, he would carry you to the bath so your body could still rest while he cleans you up. but if it were a slow and sensual type sex, he would rather shower because he loves to makeout after sex and run his body through your curves as water drips down.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

for his own body part, he ADORES his jawline, like he genuinely thinks that's his best feature. so much so, that when you guys take pictures together he would do the classic kiss on the cheek so his jawline is extremely apparent.

for his partner, he loves your ass and thighs. when it comes to your ass, he thinks it's just so fun to slap it, squeeze it, or leave his hand there no matter where or what he's doing. like you could be at the gas station getting a drink and he would come up from behind and lightly squeeze it, not giving a fuck if someone saw. for your thighs, he just thinks it's so hot to have his face in between them and since your skin is so soft he enjoys to rub them whenever he's feeling a little stress or sad.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

he loves to cum inside you cause it's a reminder to him that no one else gets to do this but him. if you weren't comfortable with that though he equally loves to cum on your stomach because he gets to see the way your face lights up when you're covered with his cum.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

he's a fucking whore for your moans and always imagines them when he's jacking off, but one day he realized that his memory wasn't enough and needed some type of recording. so when you were masturbating in another room, he moved his phone as close to the door as possible to get your whines, whimpers, and moans and recorded them for later use. he would ask you if he could just record your moans while having sex but he thinks they wouldn't be as authentic and raw if you didn't know.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

he's experienced when it comes to the basic stuff like making out and fingering, but actual sex, no. both of you would experiment and learn together.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

tabletop

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

he could be goofy if something dumb were to happen but overall he's pretty serious because sex is something that is sacred to him and only reserved for you.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

he's well groomed, he trims even though it's a bit on the longer side and the color is a dark brown almost black.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

everytime you have sex with itadori, he makes it as special and romantic as if it were your first time. he doesn't see it as some physical action when it comes to you so he makes everything as intimate as possible.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

as said before, your moans can make him nut within a second. just the way his name falls out of your lips is so hot to him. and whenever he cums just to the thought of that, it's a shit ton.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

SENSORY DEPRIVATION ‼️ like he will tease the fuck out of you just so he could hear you beg him to touch you and make you feel good.

he loves to blindfold you. he thinks it's so cute when you gasp at anything he does to you since you don't know what he's going to do to you next.

overstimulation but it goes vice versa. he loves fucking you to the point where the pleasure is too much that tears start dripping down your cheek. he just loves knowing that he causes too much pleasure for you to handle. he also loves it when you overstimulate him, because he thinks it's super fucking hot when you're dominating and taking control.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

he prefers the bed because that's where he can do the most without having to worry about being caught or not having enough room and etc.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

when you're unintentionally doing hot shit in front of him. like if you're bending down to get something from a cabinet or sucking on a lollipop, he just gets hard so fast and needs you to help him.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

he hates having sex if either or both of you are intoxicated or high. he just never knows if you're ever giving fully consent to what you want to do with him at that moment so he wouldn't even try.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

he 100% prefers giving because the noises you make are worth every second of it. he wasn't extremely skilled when you first got together, but he's a quick learner so it didn't bother you.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

he loves doing both, he truly doesn't have a preference. when it comes to getting hard and rough, he loves hearing you scream out his name while he pounds into you and thinks it's fucking hot when he starts seeing sweat droplets start to form on your body. when it comes to getting slow and sensual, this is really where he takes his time with you and make you feel as special as possible. he'll whisper compliments, tell you you're perfect and etc.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

he's not a fan of quickies because in his opinion they're more for people who just want to be physical and nothing more. unless you were like begging to be fucked and he was feeling spontaneous, he would give in to make you feel good, but overall, doesn't like them.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

he's really open-minded when you want to experiment different things; whether it be choking or toys, because he can get bored doing the same shit over and over again. he wouldn't be a fan of taking risks, especially if there was a chance one of his clasmates could catch him, he just couldn't deal with the never ending embarrassment and teasing that would come from it.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

his stamina is pretty good, wayyy more higher than yours, but nothing that's mindblowing. there are times though where he just cannot fucking last at least 5 strokes because you're just too sexy.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

with all the experimenting you guys do, he does have a small collection of toys to use on you. vibrators are a classic but they're his favorite because of the effect it has on you. if you're ever doing some type of role play, he LOVES to use it on you.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

the self restraint he has is UNREAL, like you could be dressed in his favorite lingerie, but still would not give in to making you feel good right away because your begs are music to his ears.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

he can get fucking loud in bed, especially if you're the one taking control. his groans turn you on so fucking much that you'll just pick up the pace as he moans out your name and tightly grips your waist. he also loves dirty talk during foreplay, whispering in your ears about how gorgeous you look or how wet your cunt is when he hasn't even touched you yet.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

a switch but leans towards a hard fucking dom.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

he's somewhat thick so everytime he does push himself into you, you always feel him stretching you out & his dick certainly is long enough to hit your cervix every time.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

it is fucking HIGH, like this man thinks about you all the fucking time. he could be exorcising a special grade curse and an image of you naked would just pop up and then he wouldn't be able to get it out of his head till he saw you.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

he gets tired pretty quickly, but he waits for as long as he needs to for you to fall asleep to make sure you're okay and comfortable.

#tw: dubcon #tw: overstimulation #tw: intoxication #tw: drugs #jujutsu kaisen itadori #yuji itadori smut #itadori yuuji #itadori smut #itadori x reader #yuji itadori x reader #tw: dacryphilia

[mxvladdy]

THE WAY YOU FILLED YOUR FIRST REQUEST SHOOK ME?!?!?!? YOU BLESSED US!? Would you mind also imagining how Mammon, Luci and Belphie would feel with a MC who's guarded with themselves and their feelings to avoid hurt, so they try to keep these brothers at a friendly arm's length as they don't believe the brothers don't really care about them? It would make me so happy, thank you so much!

EEEEK! Sorry for the wait. It took forever and a day to get enough time to seat uninterrupted and then try to edit ;.;

I hope you like it! Apologies if I didn’t get the prompt just right!

Mammon

He didn’t hide his disdain for his human protection duty when you first met. The fact that you kept him at an arm's length was a devil’s blessing. Good! He is a busy demon after all, he doesn’t have time for some human. At first.

Then he caught the feels and it’s all downhill for him at his ‘cool devil’ act. Not that you ever NOTICED.

He tries to flirt with you. Before you, he thought he was good at it too.

He’s never had someone so civil with his advances. You smile and laugh politely at whatever complement he throws at you. You might even give him a few back in a teasing, but clearly friendly manner.

You stress it heavily whenever he comes on too heavy with his advances. You stamp down whatever feelings he evokes and try to keep your line clean and precise in the shifting sand of your relationship.

He takes you out one evening after school, determined to get an actual answer from you over some made up snack he lied about. You don’t think anything of it, happy for an excuse to hang out. You walk and talk, not taking notice of his steadily reddening face as he keeps making swipes at your hand each time it brushes his.

You make an off-handed (get it) remark about the closeness and offer to walk behind this was bothering him.

He is miffed and throws out all semblance of “coolness”. Just flat out confess. Face flaming hot from embarrassment and sweaty palms now shoved into his jacket.

It was a blink and you’d miss it kind of moment. Mammon’s cheeks start to heat gradually. A staunch look of panic growing behind his eyes.

The words just slip off his tongue. His lips forming a sentence you were dreading. You didn’t quite catch it all; his declaration lost in the wind of the open market. You try to catch his gaze, to make him repeat himself clearly, for what purpose you didn’t know. You don't particularly want to hear it again, yet it would give you time to compose some kind of response.

He refuses to look at you. No matter which way you bob and weave beneath him, he dances around you. His face always looking in the opposite direction of yours. His gaze permanently pointing at his feet. The uneven cobblestone beneath his scuffed boots was suddenly very interesting it seemed. "I'm sorry? I didn't catch that." You ask once more, grabbing on to the crook of his elbow.

He buries himself deeper into the flipped collar of his coat and whispers it again. "I-I like ya, ok? Like like like ya know?" He stumbles over his thoughts.

Now how in the hells were you supposed to dodge this? It had been easier to evade his blatant affections when even he wasn't admitting to them. "No, you don't." You step away with a dry chuckle. "Don't be silly." You back away shaking your head in denial. You were sure Mammon could feel your heart rate picking up. You need some space, more space than the street could give you. Somewhere away from your tall, sweet, white-haired problem.

"Oi!" He makes a grab for you as you turn to flee. He spins you around leaning down to meet with you face to face. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"We are friends Mammon," You try to wiggle out of his strong, yet gentle grip. "You're just mixing up the feelings." Bullshit. With him touching you, your joint pack acted like an amplifier. You very much felt what he thought of you. The yearning from his newfound mental clarity mixes with the panic of your rejection. It makes a bittersweet taste bloom in your mouth, so hopefully yet reserved.

He was not so lucky. Your feelings felt like ash on his tongue, a sour tang of fear and self-doubt building on his sense. You were afraid of the inevitable, or what you presumed to be the inevitable.

  You were supposed to be friends then disappear forever once the school year was up. Him, down here, and you back to being just another nameless soul in the human realm. No need to get the storyline all tangled. "Hey-hey," Mammon speaks in a rush. "It ain't like that, really." He coos shuffling you closer till you are wrapped tightly in his soft leather jacket. He pours more of himself into the pack, opening himself up in ways he never thought capable of from his demonic form.

"I'm stupid." You speak into his chest. The warm reassurance of his unspoken pledge soothing you. It lessens the tight feeling of uncertainty that you had grown accustomed to.

"Ah- now, ain't that supposed to be my job?" The taste in his mouth dissipates slightly as you let out an indignant huff. He flinches as you poke his side hard between his rib cage.

"Told you to stop talking down on yourself Mammon."

The demon hums noncommittally keeping you close. He rocks you both from side to side, oblivious to the throngs of other pedestrians forced to walk around you two. "Guess I forgot. Maybe you could remind me? O-on a date?"

He smiles down at the little sliver of your face and eyes peeking up from the darkness of his jacket. He could damn near feel the smile trying to break from your forced scowl. "Just one?"

"Heh- don't bet on it."

Lucifer

Welcome to the ultimate game of pleasantry chicken. The two of you know this dance by heart, but your footwork isn't synching up.

Lucifer is trying to keep this whole debacle as professional as possible. You are an esteemed guest and pact holder for all of his brothers and himself. This should be business as usual. He totally has his emotions and growing frustration at your lack of interest in him in check.

Yup. He's fine. He's great; glad you two have such an unspoken understanding of your standing in his company and in the house. The same book, same chapter, same bloody page.

You are a good friend. Just. A. Very. Good. Friend.

He breaks first. Not that he will admit it. But the weekly coffee breaks become a bi-daily thing as he tries to court you. He draws these evenings out now. Have you finished your schoolwork? No, allow me to tutor you. Perhaps you would like to listen to this new vinyl with me tonight? It is a complete demon rendition of Wagner's Die Meistersinger. A classic, you’ll love it.

You take it all in stride. Thanking him innocently enough and going along with it. You buffer every little turn of phrase and slightly off-color hint of what he wanted from you with grace. So tactfully done he begins to doubt himself. You couldn’t be misconstruing his intentions right? He hasn’t doubted himself like this in a long time.

Diavolo catches on quickly to the kicked puppy look Lucifer tots around in your presence. He’ll tease, but try to help. He’s a decent wingman truth be told. “How has Lucifer been treating you? I haven’t seen him this happy in ages. He is a great friend to have, yes?” Kinda backfires when you agree that he is indeed a good friend. Oops.

He’ll crack one night over a glass (or bottle) of something strong he pulled from his study. You had slipped into his room unannounced asking for a quiet place to read before bed.  The interruption to his musings leads to him running his mouth and pile driving his pride into the ground.

He can’t say no to you anymore. He really should. You were hell bent on keeping him at an arm's length, so he should too. Lucifer watches you like a hawk from behind his desk. His ungloved fingers swirling the dregs of his drink. The cognac inside of it looking up at him, his scowl reflecting in the rich red liquor. Don’t judge me. He scoffs at himself, was he that far gone that he was arguing with his glassware? Should have switched to the bottle hours ago.

“Luci?” You say again waving a hand in his face. “You forget to sleep again this week?” Your smile was warm, a little twinkle in your eye drawing a heat to his collar that had nothing to do with the spirits. You sit on the edge of his desk in your sleepwear. The baggy shirt and sweats reeked of his brothers.

“No.” He lies pushing his desk chair away. “Did you need something?”

You shrug hopping off the desk. “Not really. Wasn’t feeling movie night. You ok if I hang out here? It’s nice and quiet.” You slink off to the couch in front of the fire before he could answer.

“You could not do this in your room?” Lucifer snips. He tosses back the rest of his drink and rises to his feet. He grimaces at the burn spreading across his throat. “I’m sure it is quiet in there too.” He catches your eyes looking over the back of the lounge. While everything lower than the bridge of your nose was blocked by the black velvet he could feel the frown growing on your face.

“Well, yes. But I still want some friendly company. Just not rowdy company, I thought you wouldn’t mind...”  

Devils. There was that word again. "You assume to know me?" He cannot hide the venom lacing his words. The liquor had dulled his senses enough that he could not hide his rancor.

“I’m-” You leave the chair coming around it to give him your full attention. This wasn’t like him. Not anymore at least. But you were used to the odd mood swings that plagued your companions. "I don’t assume anything about you Luci. But if you want to talk-"

“I don’t want to have some idle friendly chit chat.” He could feel the tantrum coming. “Have I not proven myself capable of-” His jaw snaps shut with an audible click that echoes across the spacious chamber.

“Of?”

A noticeable blush grows on his pale cheeks. “More.” He sighs deeply, he feels light-headed at the admission. Whether it was from the drinks or from going against his nature and swallowing his pride he couldn’t tell. “Am I not enough to be more than a friend to you?”

That takes you by surprise. You had speculated that he harbored feelings for you. Diavolo all but cementing the idea in your mind. But, this was Lucifer. It felt like just yesterday you were at each other's throats, before he recognized you as something other than a threat to his family. You wanted to respect that little bit of trust he had given you. “It’s not like I never thought about it.”

“But?” He perks up slightly hearing the unspoken word in your inflection. He could see your apprehension yet there was a shimmer of something else underneath. Something he could work with.

“I was- I am scared.”

“Finally, a reasonable response from being around demons.” Lucifer snorts.

“Hey! You know that’s not what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. Explain it to me.” He invades your space waiting to see what you would do. Run or stay. He would have his answer either way. You don’t move, instead, you wrap your arms around yourself. Guarding yourself yet standing firm. One of the many reasons why he admired you.

“I feel like we just became friends. I didn’t think you felt the same and I didn’t want to mess this all up.” You confess. “I just thought it would be easier this way.”

Lucifer absorbs your words quietly, nodding at the logic behind them. “Messes are not something I generally like true, but," He reaches for you, careful of your defensive stature to lead you back to the couch. “If you are willing to iron out the bumps with me I’d like to see what we can make of it.”

If it meant he could have you he would take as much time as you needed.

Belphegor

It takes him the longest to notice that you were trying to keep him at arm's length emotionally. It was hard for him to see at first since you still readily accepted his invitations to snuggle and hang out.

He thought he was very blatant with his desire for you and your affections. The head pats and evening is the planetarium or his attic.

The fact that he had apologized for that little murder mishap. He thought that was a big bright neon sign. Yet you always seemed to try to invite someone else along to chill or leave quickly after an hour or so. As much as he loved his twin and tolerated his other brothers he was trying to get you ALONE.

He starts trying to see you outside the house now too. Lunch in the cafeteria? Pffft. You are going to eat and nap with him in the courtyard. After School activities? Could you help him with some council stuff instead?

Yes, he will go out of his way to do work if you are involved.

You are still too closed off though. You act around him like you do around any of the other brothers and it drives him crazy. You are just so friendly and cordial with everyone. How come he is the only one that becomes a flushing mess now?

He becomes your second shadow, almost as bad as Mammon. You start to get an inkling of his intentions when he starts wanting to sleep in your bedroom at night instead of his or the attic. You let him but offer up the couch or split the bed with a pillow.

He snoops when he gets desperate. Did you like someone else? Was that why you were constantly acting like his advances were just him being overly friendly? He doesn’t find anything, you act like this around everyone else too.

He gives up. Stops interacting with you entirely. He is 99% sure he can sleep through the next century without being bothered. Maybe he’ll get over you by then.

“Belphie? You up here?” The demon in question opens a bleary eye to his locked door. He should stay quiet, leave you hanging. Give himself some vindictive pleasure in snubbing you.

“Hai~” He rises from his nest of blankets and pillows. “Hold on.” Unlocking the door he opens it ajar. You smile around the large stack of books and binders in your arms. “What is that?” Please don’t say homework.

“Work you’ve missed sulking up here.” You confirm his worst fear. “Satan and I thought we would spot you a bit though.” Belphegor watches you struggle for a second to pull a folded piece of paper out from the middle of the stack. “We got most of the answers done for you. Now you just have to fill the worksheets in with your handwriting.” You wave the paper expectantly.

Hearing his brother’s name makes him sour immediately. How long had you been hanging out with him now? “Thanks, leave them at the door then.” He goes to shut the door and return to his dreamless slumber but it’s blocked by your foot.

“Ouch.” You wince hopping back on one foot.

“Idiot! Are you hurt?” He wrenches the door open crouching down to take a look at your sock-covered foot.

“Nothing I can’t walk off. Though my arms are getting sore- weak human muscles an’ all.” You hint wiggling the stack in your arms. He takes the work this time, still eyeing your foot. “Relax, I’ve stubbed my toe with more force than that before.” You whisk by him, using his brief moment of distraction to slip by.

“Did I invite you in?” Belphegor eyes you with a frown. He kicks his door close and dumps the pile of papers on his already over-encumbered desk. Hmm. How many days had he missed?

You ignore him plopping down on the still warm sheets. “Nope!” You pop the ‘p’ with a grin. “But that has never stopped you from sneaking into my room. So fair trade all around.” You pat at the bed, clearing inviting him to join you. “Come on. I’ll help you finish that work then we can chill.”

Oh, now you want to hang out. He felt a rush of bitterness wash over him.  “Don’t you have something better to do?” If this keeps up he’ll need another nap, alone preferably. “Doesn’t Asmo need a shopping buddy or something?”

“What’s gotten you all worked up?” You frown, hurt by his accusatory tone.

Belphie shoots you a wounded look. "We never hang out anymore." He sulks. "Alone, I mean. I'm tired of you always inviting Beel or someone else with us."

He glances over to you idly thumbing at one of the books on his desk. It's frustrating. This game of touch and go he accidentally got himself into. Ugh- why did this have to be so hard. "I want to spend more time with you. Just us, so why are you always avoiding that?" 

"I.” You look down at your feet dangling off the side of his mattress. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I just felt like- like things were going off the rails between us.” You weren't oblivious to his advances.

He cocks his head in confusion. "Mmm? What are you afraid of?" You read a flicker in his eyes, a haunting memory of cruel fingers around your neck darken his gaze. "Ah-"

"No! No that's not it!" You panic waving your hands up. Of course, he would immediately go to that. "I'm just worried. I know you like me, and-just what if things don't work out? What if you realize what a mistake this could be?"

Your admission gives him pause. So you knew this whole time? Not surprising; he wouldn't fall for someone stupid. "So, are you admitting to liking me back?" He feels giddy when you nod, covering your heating face with your hands. " Well then, what’s the problem? It’s not a mistake if we both are making it.” He grins slyly. “How can it not work out if the feelings are mutual.”

“But what if you are mistaken?” He wraps you up into his arms, flopping you both over onto his messy bed. He takes one of your hands and places it on the top of his head all while burying his nose in your neck.

“Please,” He yawns, feeling his body grow heavy. “I don’t waste my energy on ‘mistakes’.”

#obey me fandom #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me belphegor #prompts! yay

[aestheticallyholland]

NEVER NOT | AFTER YEARS . . .

❃ PAIRING tom holland x fem!reader

❃ DISCLAIMER i do not own the artists (and the reader) that are going to portray the characters, but i do own some of the their names. the plot of the story is inspired to the book and movie 'to all the boys i've loved before' but with changes. the gifs and photos used in this series are edited by me but i get credits to the originals. also, this series is first posted in wattpad by me. PLEASE DO NOT REPOST IT SOMEWHERE ELSE !

❃ WORD COUNT 2.8k words

❃ AUTHOR'S NOTES you have reached the final chapter of my tom holland series, never not! for those who have reached this part, i would like to say thank you so much for taking your time to read this cliche story that i wrote originally on wattpad, and hopefully, you enjoyed and loved it. thank you also for the constant reblogs and likes for each chapter in this series. i truly appreciate every reblog and like you gave. i also hope that you are satisfied with the ending of this series. with lots of love, lei <3

NEVER NOT MASTERPOST | LEI'S LIBRARY

"All love stories are tales of beginnings. When we talk about falling in love, we go to the beginning, to pinpoint the moment of freefall." - Meghan O'Rourke

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"ONE MORE POSE FOR ME!"

Flash.

"And another one!"

Flash.

"Alright!" Y/N exclaimed and removed her Canon 90D DSLR camera from her right eye. "That's it for today, guys! Great job everyone!" shouted once more and looked at the photos that she took from the monitor of the computer.

She was doing a photoshoot for one of the famous magazine companies, The Hollywood Reporter. She was one of the photographers for the magazine company for almost a year already. She surely was so happy to receive a call way back a year ago before that she was hired. And, she surely was so happy to pursue what she dreamed of.

"Great shots, Y/N. Great as always." Someone said from behind her and Y/N could just smile at the compliment.

"Thank you, Millie." She said and looked at Camille. Camille became a fashion designer like how she always wanted to be. She worked alongside Y/N in several photoshoots just this year, coincidentally.

"Want to grab some coffee on the way home?" Camille asked as she prepared her purse and placed it on her shoulder.

"Sure," Y/N said and got the hard drive that was plugged into the computer since all of the photos were there. Not only was she a photographer but also one of the editors for the magazines. "But after that, I gotta go somewhere."

"Are you gonna go to that place again?" Camille asked and Y/N looked at her and nodded as an answer. They walked out together as they were the only people left there.

"I'll probably call Erika after you go. Just gonna remind her about the reunion that our family had planned for this weekend." Camille said while walking beside Y/N.

"But she'll probably be with Harrison right now," Y/N said.

"They're still together all these years? Never knew she was a relationship person honestly." Camille said.

"Me either. But, she's happy so I'm happy for her." Y/N said.

They entered the coffeehouse that was packed with busy people. The scent of coffee went to their noses as soon as they got in.

"I totally forgot that it's still Friday today," Camille said. "So many people."

They lined up in the long line since there was only one cashier available.

"By the way, have you seen the latest movie?" Camille asked Y/N and she gave a confused look.

"Which one?" Y/N asked back.

"I think it was the— erm— The latest Spiderman movie. I don't know the full title but I heard they just released a new one this month." Camille said. "Tom is in it right?"

Tom.

That name that Y/N will never forget.

Y/N smiled under her breath before answering her. "Yeah, I guess."

After that, they just waited for the line to be shorter and shorter until they were the next one to order. After they ordered, they stood in the corner waiting for their coffee to be made.

"One cappuccino and latte for Y/N!"

"I'll get it," Camille said and walked fast to get their orders. She mouthed thank you to the lady and went to Y/N's side again. "Here's your cappuccino," Camille said and handed Y/N her drink as they made their way out of the coffeehouse.

"So, I'll see you on Monday at work?" Camille asked.

"Always." That was what Y/N answered. "Take care!" She added before waving goodbye to Camille and went in the opposite direction as her with her drink in her hand.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Y/N parked her car on the side of the empty road. After how many months, almost a year, of driving lessons, she could finally drive for herself.

Before she got out, she got her drink and her other things first and removed her coat. She got out of the car with her things and shut the door and locked it.

The wind suddenly blew her hair and she smiled at this great feeling. As she walked towards the sand, she took off her shoes and placed them in the same spot that she would sit on. Luckily, no one was in the place other than herself.

The sun was almost setting and the waves were still moving in the ocean. She had come to this place almost every day or at least most of the time. The light of the sun reflected on the sun symbol on her bracelet that he gave her a few years back. She sighed at the thought of him.

She had lost contact with him just almost a year ago because of his busy schedule but Harrison would be the one to tell her how Tom was doing and all. Well, not really lost contact but they rarely contacted each other for the past few months due to their work.

Although those had happened, she never stopped going back to this place that Tom wanted her to always go. This was the place that kept her alive and stress-free.

Their relationship had its ups and downs.

Tom became one of the most famous celebrities in the world ever since he got the role of being Spiderman. After that, he had more upcoming movies for the past years later on.

Although there may have been rumors about him being in a relationship with one of his co-stars, Zendaya, because of their roles in Spider-Man, her trust for him remain. Although at some point, it hurt her but that just passed away.

Overall, she was happy for him and for what he has achieved. She was so proud of what he had become. It didn't stop her from visiting his family's house and spending time with them.

"I wish you were here right now." She whispered to herself as the wind could not stop making her hair fly.

"And I'm here." A voice said from a distance but loud enough for her to hear. Her eyes widen at this very familiar voice and her eyes began to water.

She slowly looked in the direction of the voice that she heard and there stood the person that she has been waiting for.

He gave her the same smile that she would never forget. He still looked the same as before but he was more muscular now. He looked better in person than on the big screen or in his interviews. His brown hair is now shorter but still had curls on.

"Tom?" She whispered and he could just easily read her lips calling his name. He opened his arms widely for her. She then ran up to his open arms and did not think twice about wrapping her arms around him. He spun her around as soon as he closed his arms around her.

Her tears fell from her eyes while hugging him. When Tom heard her sob, he placed a hand on her head and stroked her hair. "I'm home, love." He whispered to her.

She pulled away for a while and admired him. His face features, his hair. Everything about him. She suddenly pinched his cheeks with both of her hands that surprised Tom.

"Ow! What was that for?" He asked as he felt the slight pain from the pinch. His voice is deeper than before and his British accent is kind of mixed with an American accent.

"You are real," Y/N said that made Tom chuckle.

She was still as adorable as always. Tom thought

"Of course I am. You thought you're hallucinating?" Tom asked her and she nodded.

"It's been so long to finally see you personally," Y/N said and she slapped him on the chest. "You kept me waiting you know!"

"I'm sorry, love." Tom apologized and kissed her forehead. "Four years, huh?"

"And three months," Y/N added while looking at him and grinned.

"You have been counting," Tom said that made Y/N nod. "I missed you so much." He said and pulled her for a hug again. "God, I do miss you."

"I missed you too, Thomas." She replied and noticed the scrunchie that was on his wrist. The same scrunchie that she gave him before. "You kept it." She said and held to his wrist where the scrunchie was and smiled at him.

"Of course. It really reminded me of you." He answered.

They decided to sit down and talked about each other's new life. Tom was surprised about Y/N's career since he never thought she would be into photography like his brother, Harry.

"Your mom really influenced me to go to that," Y/N said. "That's why I'm so grateful for her."

"I had a photoshoot in that company actually," Tom said and that made her eyes widen. "Really?" She asked.

"Yeah, but that was like two thousand seventeen or something." He answered.

"Your American accent is really showing up," Y/N said and smiled at him.

"Well, most of my roles required this accent which I'm good at, surprisingly." He answered.

"How long have you been here already?" She asked him, curiously.

"Just today. I told my family first and Harrison that I was coming back for a week's vacation. And, I wanted to surprise you." He answered and placed his arms around her shoulders. She placed her head on his shoulder and gave a relieved sigh. Her happiness cannot be measured right now.

"You wanna go to the water?" Tom said and Y/N suddenly ran away from him and giggled.

"If you could catch me first!" Y/N said and ran which made Tom scoffed a laugh.

"I will!" Tom said and chased after her. After a few seconds of running, Tom was a few inches away from her and scooped her legs and carried her bridal style and he walked towards the water.

"No! Put me down! The water is gonna be so cold!" Y/N said but Tom ignored her and laughed. Then, Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck and forcefully pushed both of them down together to the water.

"Holy shit, the water is so cold," Y/N said as she raised her head up from the water as well as Tom. "Damn you, Holland!"

"You're gonna pay for that," Tom said and splashed her with water and Y/N did the same. Basically, the couple had a water fight. They kept laughing and splashing on the water to each other even as they stood up.

Tom then grabbed Y/N's arm and pulled her closer to him. They both wrapped their arms around each other and Y/N just gave a light laugh.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"Do you have a towel in your car?" Tom asked as they got out of the water, their bodies and clothes soaking wet as they stayed there a while ago to watch the sunset.

"Yep. It's on the back. I came prepared." Y/N said as she gave Tom the keys and walked towards her car. Tom could just laugh.

Tom got the towel and wrapped it around Y/N's body and continued to hug her from behind. They decided to stay on the beach a little longer until they dried up. After a few minutes, they then went inside the car with Tom as a driver although Y/N insisted that she would drive.

They went directly to Y/N's apartment that she rented ever since she got her work. Tom parked in the basement of the building. As soon as they got out, Tom locked the cars and gave Y/N back her keys. They walked together and got to an elevator going to her apartment.

"How's your dad and Aria?" Tom asked as Y/N shoved the key on the doorknob.

"They are doing great actually," Y/N answered. "Aria got a job in New Zealand in tourism. And, will you believe that my dad actually got married a year ago?" Y/N said happily and opened the door.

"Really? I never heard of that." Tom said.

"Because we made it a private wedding so it's only our relatives and Mom Trina's family too," Y/N explained to Tom. "Mom Trina is an amazing woman and I'm glad they got to meet each other."

"Your mom will be happy that your dad is happy," Tom said and Y/N could only smile.

She placed her things down the counter table. "This is my home." She said to Tom who was looking everywhere in the apartment. "It's not that bad." He said.

"Yep. In my room, I get to see the city and the sunset and sunrise too." While Y/N was talking. Tom just kept staring at her, admiring her. He couldn't explain how happy he felt when he finally saw her again. He walked closer to her and wrapped his arms around her from behind. This startled Y/N a bit but she held his arms and leaned her back to his chest.

"How did I get so lucky to have you?" Tom whispered and moved her hair away and gave a peck on her neck.

"Destiny, I guess." She answered and turned around to face him. She saw him looked at her lips and decided to close the gap between them by pressing her lips to his. Tom responded to the kiss and pulled her closer to him. As soon as the kiss became heated, she jumped and wrapped her legs around Tom's waist and he was carrying her. He then walked towards her room and shut the room by kicking his foot at the door while kissing and carrying her.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The ray of light hit Y/N's eyes as soon as she woke up. She felt strong arms around her bare waist and she smiled. She yawned and stretched her legs before she tried to move Tom's arm around her. She could still hear his soft snores beside her. His curls are really showing off when his head was on the pillow. She tried to get up but was stopped when she felt a hand grabbing her wrist and pulling her back to the bed. Strong arms wrapped around her again but this time tighter.

"Tom!" She exclaimed.

"Don't leave me here," Tom mumbled while his eyes were still closed and snuggled his head to her neck which tickled a little.

"Alright, baby," Y/N said and snuggled back at him. "But I have to cook breakfast. It's like almost lunch already."

"That was a long long night." Tom teased and Y/N felt her cheeks heat up as she remembered what happened last night. She slapped Tom's arm playfully who just laughed at her. "Let's do it again," Tom whispered in her ear with a husky voice and attempted to kiss her again but Y/N covered his mouth with her hand.

"Nope, nope. Not happening." Y/N said as she shoved his arms away from her and stood up with the blanket wrapped around her. "You better go and shower, Holland!" She exclaimed as she exited her room.

"Join me, then!"

"Shut it, Thomas!"

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"Alright, we're on our way now, mum," Tom said through his phone as he drove in the road. "Love you too. Bye." He ended the call and placed his phone down. His eyes focusing on the road.

"What did she say?" Y/N asked.

"Harrison and Erika are already there and there done preparing." He answered and she just nodded as an answer. He glanced at her and smiled, taking her nearest hand and intertwining their fingers together. Y/N looked at him and smiled back. Tom decided to stop driving for a while which made Y/N confused. He parked the car on the side of the road.

"What's wrong?" Y/N asked, concerned.

"I just..." Tom paused for a while. "I'm just so happy that I got to see you again," Tom said and looked at her deep in her eyes.

Y/N placed a hand on his cheek and smiled. "Me too, Tom." She said.

"I'll take you with me once my vacation is over," Tom said and her eyes widen.

"But I have work—"

"I already talked to your manager and he's fine with it. He's gonna give you a break for a while." Tom said.

"How is that even possible?" She asked and giggled.

"Secret," Tom said and grinned. "I want you to see my work and some of the co-stars want to meet you."

"Seriously?" Y/N asked. "You talked about me to them?"

"Yep." Tom answered, emphasizing the 'p'. "Even the Avenger cast wants to meet you."

"Alright, then. I'll get to see celebrities." Y/N squealed and smiled at him. "At least I get to see my boyfriend work. This is exciting."

Tom placed a hand on her nape and pulled her head closer for him to kiss your forehead and lips.

"I love you, my love." He said. "You are my world and my everything."

Oh, how lucky they were for each other.

"I love you, too, Tom."

Always.

Forever.

Fin.

❝ WE WERE SO BEAUTIFUL

WE WERE SO TRAGIC

NO OTHER MAGIC

COULD EVER COMPARE ❞

❃ ANOTHER AUTHOR'S NOTE to add, feel free to also comment or reblog how this series was. i would lovre to read your thoughts and feelings about this series. once again, thank you for reading NEVER NOT, by yours truly 🦋

❃ TAGLIST @allthisfortommy @kait4073 @lovebittenbyevans @l0ve-0f-my-life @spiitfiires @robertpattinson-th @jackiehollanderr @butterflies-glitter

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x fem!reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland series

[killerqueenjoy]

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

eh

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

no

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

[kayliemusing]

45

1. What were your summers like as a kid? - Always happy. I spent a lot of time bike riding, swimming and obnoxiously climbing dirt hills with my childhood best friend lol. Our feet would be black by the time the night rolled around and my mom would make us wash our feet with the garden hose. When I wasn't with her, I was going on vacation with my family to Peachland, B.C, but we'd stop at the Enchanted Forest, Revelstoke, Penticton, Banff, Summerland, Kelowna, etc.

2. Do you enjoy thrilling rides like rollercoasters? - No

3. Who was your childhood hero? - I don't know about a childhood hero, but I loved Hannah Montana when I was a kid so I had hannah montana everything.

4. What is your favorite book? - There's so many. Crush by Richard Siken is a favourite of mine. So is The Hating Game by Sally Thorne. There's tons.

5. What do you find most attractive about your crush? - I don't have a crush boo.

6. What’s your favorite outfit? - Black turtle neck sweater, gold necklace, blazer or long jacket, high waisted jeans, and boots.

7. Does seeing people in love make you happy? Sad? Annoyed? - I always find it cute/inspiring. Sometimes bittersweet because I'm like "Will I ever get that? Do I even want that?"

8. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? - No

9. What CD did you play to death as a kid? - Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus CD's babes. Also Carrie Underwood's first album.

10. Hike to a mountain top to watch the sunrise or drive out of town to stargaze? - Stargaze!

11. What song has the most relatable song lyrics to you? - Mirrorball by Taylor Swift

12. Iced drinks or hot drinks? - Hot drinks

13. Bright colors or neutral tones? - Neutral tones

14. Breakfast for dinner or pizza for breakfast? - Breakfast for dinner

15. Do you have a green thumb or a black thumb? - Black thumb. My best friend gave me her succulents to take care of when she moved away and I killed them because I forgot about them oops.

16. What’s your favorite feature of yours? - My eyes or my hair.

17. Would you rather be a lawyer or a doctor? - Lawyer

18. What type do you tend to go for physically? - Tall, dark hair, brown eyes, clean cut.

19. Power of invisibility or flight? - Invisibility

20. Would you rather wake up with your makeup magically done or your hair? - Makeup

21. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? - I can't think of anything recent off the top of my head, but as a kid, I threw a huge fit because my sister and I were getting our photos done and I wanted to be the one who sat on the horse prop lmao

22. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone do in public? - When I was at work, I was helping a lady find a deodorant. Now she was already a little on the eccentric side, but I was showing her one of our Donna Karan deodorants and usually our deodorant testers are so you can SMELL them, but this lady full-on applied that bad boy to her pits. I was literally speechless and I didn't know what to do so I just stood there and let it happen.

23. What’s your dream date? - Going for a drive late at night or something like that. Or even going to like a museum or a coffee shop. Something cute and fun.

24. Do you tend to gravitate more toward using logic or intuition to make decisions? - Intuition

25. Do you like parties? - No, I don't really like anything that's large groups. I can handle like five or so people, but I get worn out pretty fast.

26. Did you enjoy high school? - No. I cannot stress that enough. I was kind of an emotional wreck in high school lol. To be fair, my dad had just died so not only was I going through teenage angst but also the stress of grief and I didn't really know how to cope properly or in a functional way. I think grade twelve things started to get better, but from grades nine to eleven, it was rough. I also never liked school period so there was that always underlying it.

27. Who is the craziest person in your family and why? - My SISTER (with peace and love). My sister is really funny and she does the craziest things and says the craziest things. If you mean legitimately The Craziest, it's my uncle because he's a little...out there.

28. What’s your favorite holiday tradition? - Drinking hot chocolate and watching Christmas movies!!

29. Can you describe your laugh? - Loud, hearty, and spirited.

30. Instagram or Twitter? - Insta

31. What’s a show that everyone loves that you didn’t? - Outer Banks or Doctor Who. Outer Banks was pretty good but the main blonde chick drove me nuts because she was always yelling JOHN B every five seconds and I just could. not. do. it. Doctor Who I only watched because everyone else had been watching it at the time. I got through half a season and I did enjoy a few episodes here and there and I liked the characters, but I'm not a sci-fi fan at all, so it was hard for me to be fully invested.

32. What song is stuck in your head? - Forever Winter by Taylor Swift

33. Do you like exercising? - No

34. Do you scare easily? - Not overly. I get unnerved fast I think, but not really scared.

35. Who are your top 5 celebrity crushes? - Matthew Daddario, Henry Cavill, James Marsden, Chris Pine, and there was a time I was really into Evan Peters

36. If you could learn one language fluently what would it be? - French because I want to move to Montreal so badly

37. Would you fly to the moon if given the opportunity? - No, space terrifies me. I like looking at the stars and moon from a distance but not up close. Never up close.

38. What’s your favorite flower? - I really love water lilies

39. What non-sexual touch affects you the most? - I think forehead/temple kisses are the softest

40. Do you enjoy cuddling? - yes

41. Do you like valentine’s day? - I don't mind it

42. Do you enjoy driving and are you a good driver? - I don't mind driving, but driving does put me on edge because I feel like everyone on the road is mad at me or thinks I'm a bad driver lol. I don't think I'm a bad driver either, I just worry that I am lmao

43. What would you be most likely to become famous for? - Writing probably

44. Do you have a favorite quote? - I have so many favourite quotes. It's almost Christmas so a Christmas themed one is: "May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas eve." I'm not sure who wrote that one, though. Another one I like that's not christmas themed lol, is from Wilder Poetry: "I'm letting go like October and my eyes feel like spring."

45. Are you a romantic? - Yes

46. Do you have any tattoos or want to get one? - I want to get a few actually. I want a cross on my index finger and then on the inside of my wrist I want to get something my dad wrote me before he died with a little hummingbird next to it. And then I think I want to get fearless or something like that on the outside of my arm.

47. Biggest pet peeve? - I have a lot of pet peeves, but I really hate people who treat you like your stupid when you say something. One of the worst feelings.

48. Favorite personality trait about yourself? - I think it's either that I'm deeply kind or how in depth I look at the world. Like sometimes I'm very melancholy and my in-depthness can be a negative thing, but sometimes I have this child-like wonder about me and I like that.

49. Sum up your type in three words. - Handsome, kind, and confident. (at least that's what my dream man is lol)

50. Do you listen to Kpop and if so who is your bias and why? - No

51. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed awake? - I've pulled a few all nighters. I think when I was in middle school I stayed up for roughly 48 hours or just about 48 hours. (Maybe it was more like 36, I don't remember)

52. Hot or cold weather? - Cold because then you get to come inside and have some hot chocolate and read a book or watch a movie.

53. Bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates? - Chocolates

54. Can you do any good impressions? - No

55. What’s the best prank you’ve been witness to? - I have not been a witness to any great pranks I don't think

56. Favorite dessert? - Classic New York Style Cheesecake

57. Is there a vine or tik tok you quote often? - "oh no our table its broken"

58. What tumblr post always makes you laugh? - I don't know if there's a way to explain this one efficiently. There's a post where someone was writing a piece of creative writing but the person who reblogged it decided they were going to make fun of it and then the op responded to that one and vaguely made reference with the meme "hey lil mama lemme whisper in your ear". it gets me every time and I didn't explain that well.

59. What country that you haven’t been to do you want to visit most? - France or even the usa

60. Can you cook and do you enjoy it? - I can cook and I don't always mind it, but I don't enjoy it enough to ever be like "I feel like cooking"

61. What’s your guilty pleasure movie? - the hallmark Mystery 101 series rip me

62. What’s your comfort movie? - A Christmas Carol (2009 version) and also disney movies like Coco and Onward but tbh disney movies in general.

63. Is there a genre of music you don’t like? - Electronic.

64. What’s an album that you think has no skips on it? - Red (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift

65. What’s your favorite thing to watch on youtube? - The Game Grumps Nutcracker and Wind Waker playthroughs and Charlotte Dobre.

66. Would you make the first move to ask someone out? - My go to answer is "never" but I think if I was close to someone and I felt like it was mutually heading that way I would ask them out.

67. Do you often dream or have nightmares that you remember when you wake up? - Yes

68. What are you craving right now? - Nothing at the moment

69. What turns you on? - Respectfulness, humor, kindness, nice hands

70. What’s something you haven’t done that you think most people have? - Kissed someone lmao. It's getting really pathetic at this point because I'm almost 24.

71. What genre is your favorite playlist right now and what’s it called? - I don't listen to other playlists often so I don't have a go-to, but the music genre I typically listen to is Pop and alternative

72. Are you a sad or happy drunk? Chill or energetic drunk? - I've never been drunk before so I don't know. I could go either way honestly. I wonder if I'd get really talkative or really depressed lmao

73. What time of day do you like best? - Evenings and mornings (specific times: 11 am, 4 pm, 6 pm)

74. Do you tend to enjoy being babied or do you prefer to be the one taking care of someone else? - Being babied pls

75. What top three cities do you want to travel to? - NYC, Montreal, Amsterdam

76. What’s your favorite feature about your best friend? - She's a good listener. Bonus: She's very funny

77. Do you have any pets? What are their names? - Two kitties. Archer and Misty.

78. Back scratches or having your hair played with? - Back scratches

79. Do you like surprises? - No, unless they're good ones like a surprise gift or snack.

80. What’s your favorite picture of yourself? - There's one on my facebook (I know - boomer of me isn't it) where my hair is curled, I have red lipstick on, I'm in a black sweater and I have my chin leaning on my hand.

81. What books influenced you most as a child? - Robert Munsch books

82. Do you like kids? - Not a huge kid person, but I find them cute

83. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? (or other accessory if you don’t wear any) - My gold pendant necklace

84. Any wild stories passed around in your family? - OMG. My mom just told me this story the other day that one time my aunt got really drunk and chased my grandma around with a knife and then she called my mom fat and so my mom stepped on her head and said "Say that again". I didn't even believe this when she first told me but it's apparently true lmao

85. Do you consider yourself an independent person? - Yes and no. I'm independent in certain places (like being introverted and not co-dependent) but I'm also a little bit of a socially anxious person so I don't like doing tons of things alone like attending parties, literally hate doing phone calls, and I've never lived alone yet.

86. What are you most comfortable sleeping in? - PJ's. Sometimes I sleep in sweatpants or leggings, too.

87. What was your childhood dream? - I really wanted to own my own vet clinic lol

88. What’s your fictional OTP? - I have tons. Nesta and Cassian from A Court of Thorns and Roses/A Court of Silver Flames. Arcturus and Paige from The Bone Season. Thorne and Cress from The Lunar Chronicles. Casteel and Poppy from From Blood and Ash series, etc etc etc.

89. What’s one thing you want to achieve this year? - Finishing a short story or novella.

90. What has been your favorite book you’ve read in the last 5 years? - There's been so many good books I've read in the last five years. I really liked Little Weirds by Jenny Slate. A Court of Silver Flames by Sarah J Maas (my guilty pleasure book), The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood, The Hating Game and 99 Percent Mine by Sally Thorne.

91. What was the first movie to make you cry? - Two Brothers when I was really little and the one tiger was taken away from the other tiger. I was sobbing in the theatre.

92. What book world would you live in if given the opportunity? - Not gonna lie, Sarah J Maas's book worlds bc the men are magical and hot.

93. What’s your craziest work related story? - The one I told earlier. There was also the time that they implied that I was stealing from tills but we won't get into that.

94. What’s the best job you’ve had so far? - Where I work currently BUT it's also been a shit show and I don't know how I'm still there. It's the best job because it's decent and I get along with my co-workers. it's the worst job because management is dysfunctional and too toxic to be managers imo

95. Worst tinder or date experience? - Never had one

96. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up most mornings? - "Do i work today? No thank god" or alternatively "Do I work today? Ugh"

97. Are you more of a planner or a spontaneous adventurer? - I'm a little of both. I mostly like a plan to know what to expect but I don't mind deviating a little bit from it.

98. Do you think you see yourself the way other people see you? - No because I am a sufferer of comparison syndrome

99. What’s the last show you binged? - "You"

100. What’s one of your fondest memories? - Christmas eve when I was really little. I was in a sparkly dress and we were driving home from the christmas eve service so it was dark and snowing, and god bless the broken road was playing on the radio so we were all silent and just listening, but it was so content.

#survey

[imnoexpertblog]

Don't Stress, You're Blessed

This is the Health & Beauty Blog! I’m going to switch this up and gear it towards health this time; mental health at that. I have had a really hard two weeks, and it seems to keep dragging on. I’ve mentioned how hard it is to sleep lately, in the heat and light and noise. So to put you in my shoes, cut the amount of sleep you want to get in half these past couple weeks. The heat also makes it hard for me to eat. It’s hard to be happy when I don’t feel well, either. Now add being nauseous or having a headache from lack of sleep and food. Next, pretend it’s also shark week (what I nicknamed my period, its funny). Hormones are a-raging. Lastly, add anything that may stress you out, big or small. You’re now turned me into someone you really aren't. Someone you don’t even like. You're not you anymore. And it sucks.

I’m weird in the way that I can handle big problems/stressors very well. I can hold myself together (and everyone else, too). I can carry a great deal on my shoulders when I have to. The weird part is that I fall apart over the small things instead. Those are the things that push me over the edge. I can’t afford to fall apart during the big stuff, so sometimes I crumble with what most people would consider small or minor things. This is pretty hard on the people around me and I need to manage my reactions better.

First thing (for me) to stress less and be happier AND healthier; SLEEP MORE. I know getting enough sleep is very important. I know it. I used to sleep NO LESS than 8 hours a night. No matter what. It was a huge priority of mine. Sleep is still important to me and I still try to sleep as much as I can. But. Sleeping during the day is different. Besides the heat, noise, and light, things are happening during the day. Let’s walk you through something pretty common for me. Can’t get an appointment with the dentist until 10 am? Well it looks like I will have to attempt (and fail) at a short nap when I get home at 7:15 am. I do have to get up at 9:00 am anyway so maybe I won’t even sleep until after the appointment. Get home from appointment at 11:30am. Well, I will hopefully get 5 hours of sleep before Baby and Nugget get home this evening. Unfortunately, I can’t sleep through much anymore. So many things can wake me up very easily. At this point, I have awaken at 1:30, 2:45, and now 3:45. I’ve probably gotten about 3 and a half hours of sleep. I can’t fall back asleep. Guess I am up for good. My boys will be home in an hour or so, anyway. Maybe I will get a few more hours of sleep in before work at 11:00 pm. Maybe not. That is something I have to deal with all the time. Even if I don't have an appointment, I am woken up by the landlords cutting the grass or weed-eating, the neighbors hanging decorations up on the walls, sirens from police and ambulances on the nearby highway, etc. Falling back asleep can be really difficult after/during these instances. It feels like I can't catch a break.

Then for food. If I can’t fuel my body adequately, how can I expect to feel healthy? Trust me. I am well aware of this. The issue is if I am hot and sweaty and uncomfortable, there is no way I will be eating anything. I’d gag on it if I tried. Honestly, need to get back into meal replacement shakes because I have no problem drinking my calories/meals. I also just need to pound water as much as I can. I've mentioned the Keto diet is low-carb, which makes it harder for me to retain water. I have hormonal migraines (meaning as long as I have shark week, I will get migraines), but I am sure that water would help out a lot in general.

Now for the outside stress. Tackling this is a big project. Sleep and diet can only do so much for you. So. First things first. We need to pinpoint what is stressing us out. You can’t fix something without knowing what is causing the issue. My stressors are adult things that I cannot really escape. Saving for a house and wedding is hard. Not knowing how much longer I can work third shift is hard. I more or less just need to stop worrying about money, continue to save, and look into first shift positions. I tend to get worked up about the unknown very easily. That’s my anxiety. At least I know and recognize this. What is stressing you out? Money? School? Work? Explore your emotions and why you feel the way you do. It always points to something. Some say writing about your stress helps. Journaling what is stressing you out, how you feel about it physically and emotionally, how you are reacting/responding to it, and how you relieve that stress. Things like this are helpful to refer back to, especially when trying to stop a cycle or pattern. Or if you are trying to instill better habits.

Now that we hopefully know what is stressing us out, we can try to avoid those things. Personally, I need to notice when I am overthinking and put an end to it. That’s a big issue in my life. Something may not be a big deal, but I can’t stop thinking about it over and over and over (anxiety) until it’s become a huge problem in my mind. A problem so big that I work myself into a panic or rage. Something else that seems to really weighs on me is what my family thinks of me and what I am doing with my life. I mentioned in my first blog post, Let Me Explain… and About Me that my parents have put a lot of pressure on me to succeed ever since I was pretty young. I've taken over the role for them since having moved out four years ago. I know they think highly of me, are proud of me, and expect nothing less than excellence. I now do the same to myself. The feeling of letting them down or disappointing them absolutely terrifies me. I need to learn to let go a little bit. I know they love me and that they are fully aware that I do my best when it comes to anything. Easier said than done, but these feelings I get are unnecessary. They may be warranted, but that doesn’t mean they are obligatory. Its not like anyone in my family makes me feel inadequate; I really do this to myself out of fear. My desire to make them proud is very driving (and driving me nuts LOL). Are there things in your life you can cut to avoid any extra stress? Do you need a new job schedule? New job in general? Are there certain people that you shouldn’t have in your life? Are there things you have been putting off that need to get done?

If there are things you absolutely can’t stay away from, you can try to change the situation. There are things you can control. I knew I was behind on sleep this week so I took a day off to catch up. You can also change the way you handle a situation to make it less stressful. My personal example it that I can’t avoid the fact that we need to save money so I made changes in my budget to make it easier. Compromise isn’t always fun but it is a must. It would be very difficult to save money if I shopped every Friday or went out to eat a few times a week, but I cut those things out of my budget.

As much as I don’t use this tactic in the moment, I really think it’s great. Think about the cause/issue of your stress. Will this even matter in 5 hours? Will it matter tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?! Most of the time; HELL no. Then why does it matter now? It doesn’t. Don’t let your emotions run you or control how you react. It is so easy to be bothered sometimes; to worry. But isn’t life so much better when you’re happy? I really have to remember this one for the future. Also ask yourself if you’re being realistic in your expectations of something. I cannot expect everything to always go according to plan, no matter how badly I wish it would. I get very bent out of shape when routines are hindered. I crave structure and consistency. The minute something has to change unexpectedly, I immediately get anxious. Realistically, that is normal. I cannot control everything. I just need to remind myself of this.

Something that helps: TALKING. I encourage you all to talk about this stuff. With whoever you want. Family, friends, spouses, a professional, anyone. Sometimes I think I talk too much, vent too much, complain too much, but it’s actually how I work through these things. It’s also sometimes how I realize I am being ridiculous. It helps you discover things like why you feel a certain way, what might help, etc. When the issue is out of your hands and you can’t do anything about it, talking can still be therapeutic and helpful. You can also use the typical advice of relieving stress through physical activity. SO many people go to the gym. Take a break and do something new or fun?

The last thing I want to touch on is something I really struggle with in these stressful moments; being positive and forgiving. Rather than focus on what went wrong, I need to remember what is right. There are silver linings, and those are the things to pay attention to. Things happen that aren’t anyone’s fault. There just isn’t anyone/anything to blame sometimes and that is okay. Even if there is someone to blame, letting go is better than holding it against them. Turning energy into hate and resentment is a waste. You should use your energy towards being happy.

Baby is always there to take my venting, my frustrating, my monster. Whether he deserves it or not. He is so patient and understanding. Although I appreciate it, that can only last so long. There are only so many apologies I can give before they don't mean anything. I don’t want to be the monster I am when I am overwhelmed. I don’t want him to have to ever feel like he’s “putting up” with me. He is there for me to lean on, not use as a punching bag. He knows why I get like this sometimes but that isn’t an excuse to be that way. I need to practice what I’ve just preached and harness this energy I have in being frustrated and difficult, and redirect it to being the happy person I know I am. I have too good a life to be unhappy.

#stress #anxiety #life #lifestyle #life struggles #coffee #love #support #blog #new #blogger #newblog #newblogger #mental health #wife #marriage #married #advice #imnoexpert #write #writer #self reflection #writing #personal #stepmom #model #smom #living #live #health

[rockyrunrun]

I didn't forget about you. Don't worry.

There's a lot of "bloggers", who takes time off, comes back and leaves again. I've done that a couple of times. This time, not the same as before. I choose to put a lot of my things in public. I was told when I was younger to share given its either good or bad. The audience might be inappropriate at times, but I do believe this blog is for me, if you happen to see it. I might be able to change you too. Somewhere in 2012, I decided to quit smoking cigarettes. I tried and I tried. I used to smoke a lot and I was smoking nearly a pack a day. You know what made me stop? When I wake up in the morning and I had to cough my lung open. That was it. In 2015, I "lost" who I thought was my best friend for the rest of my life. Up to today, she's around in my life but I don't think it will ever be the same again. Then in 2017, I went to Asia. I feel like I finally got to see the world. I went back to my birth place. I made peace with myself. It was time to move on. It's time to go back home to the Bay Area. And then, here I am today. I don't work for Wells Fargo anymore. I started with Chase about a month ago and I'm doing just fine. Not great, but fine. I'm back home. My house in Union City. Boy it's good to be home. I miss San Leandro, everything about you, I miss. I miss Oakland, glad I'm training in Oakland. I definitely miss San Francisco, you were always the closest city to me from Hong Kong. Then, Her. I talk a lot about Her on Instagram. I'm sure she sees my posts but I'm unsure if she knows who she is to me. Matter of fact, I don't even know if I know who she really is to me. Besides the last two years, I can say, I don't know what "hanging out" and "going out" really means. If you follow my Instagram, I've been drinking a lot of coffee and just going to places ever since I came back. In a way, Her, she taught me to do that. I was never a fan to go to a movie on a Friday night. I worked there for the longest time and she did too. I "went out of my comfort zone", and went to a movie on a Friday evening to watch a horror flick, and before the movie, went to have a couple of drinks too. If you know me long enough, I don't drink. One beer for the celebration, at max two beers because I feel brave for the day. Also, I don't do horror movies, my first movie that I watched with my mom when I was 5 or 6 was a horror flick, thanks mom, you're the real MVP. We also went to the movie theater that I hate the most, a place where I sweated and tried my best but came back empty handed, I hated that place so much. Then comes the movie. Not a bad one. A song came on. She said, "ouuu, Childish Gambino." Then it was like a bell that set off in my head. "Roc, you don't know jack about music nowadays!" After the movie, we went home. Although it wasn't the movie that I wanted to watch, but I learned one thing, a very important thing. "Don't be anti-social." Couple of weeks later, I left Sacramento abruptly. She was one of the first people that I texted. I was nervous about the uncertainty in life at the moment. Her. I wanted to be like her. Free spirited, always smiling and never having a bad day, and so it seems. During my Funemployment days, I sent her some flowers, because she helped me during my time and she needed some #positivity in her life too. I see it, I feel it. Her. She's beautiful and attractive. Rocky always have a soft spot with girls that has a pretty smile. It's a killer. The next time I seen her in person was at the Warriors game. I have no balls to ask her to hang out with me, so I asked a dear friend over the net to help me ask. We went. You know, I didn't even care about the game that day. I just wanted to talk to her. I just wanted to have some good conversations with her. I think we did. I thought the game went by so fast, no diss Oracle Arena, but maybe I was too focused on her, but it felt like the world was just her and I and nothing else. Well, lately I've been stressed to the core about licensing exam for Chase. If I don't pass, I literally won't have a job. To now, I can't say I'm confident, but I'm definitely in a better place than last week. Then to a couple of days ago... I put my head into this study guide, all 500 pages of it and read it at least twice already. I studied in the morning, afternoon and then evening comes, a text message shows up and say "let's meet up to study together." Anti-social Rocky, don't flake. It was about 9 o'clock and we couldn't find a place to study quietly. She found a place. On my way, on the freeway, I could just drive straight home. Anti-social Rocky, just go and say hi at least. No matter how tired you are, go for a minute or two. Turned into an hour. Then yesterday for the Warriors game, I literally woke up, studied, eat, watch the game, study, dinner, study. Well, that's my day for now. Every beginning of the week or end of the week, I try to send Her a text, letting Her know that it will be a great week. Same happened today. Then 3pm comes around, a friend texted me and told me The Roots is coming. I love The Roots. We are for sure going. Went on Facebook, trying to see who else is down. Then, Her, she's interested. Interesting. End of the story is almost here. This is the absolute climax of this story. She's quitting her job. She told me on Saturday she was going to do it. Monday, she did. I'm proud of Her. She got fed up. She's leaving her job. End of the day, because it is the right thing to do for her. She wasn't happy, why continue to force it? Oh and I asked Her if she was interested in going to see The Roots, she's down. I'm super excited. Here's my point. Yes, she is a special one. She is not like me. If this was in a banking world, I feel like I'm that portfolio that just goes with the safest routes. Then, she isn't. But the way that she lives her life is really who I want to be. Touché. I'm 33 and I'm single and not looking. At least, for the next two months or so, I cannot be focusing on impressing some girl. This job in front of me is what I've always wanted. I can't give up. I have to pass this. Now, let me tell you one last thing. I'm not restarting my blog and for a good reason. I haven't left and I'm still here. Just taking a break from letting my words out. Her, is a special one. Maybe I should man up and ask her to go on an actual date, but I do have all intentions to pass this exam. Maybe in the future, but for now, Anti-social Rocky, don't flake.

#rockyrunrun #rocknblog