thinking about David Tennant's Doctor
and how he repeatedly cheated regeneration
first he regenerated into himself. like "nope, not happening. no way. I'm still me."
and then the metacrisis happened where it was essentially him and Donna cheating death. she would have died in that lava but she didn't because the Doctor was there, cheating once again, a new Doctor, a more human one.
and then there were the times when he should have died but didn't. the Rachnoss (an instance where Donna saved him). 42. when he fell from the sky and stood up with hardly a scratch. plenty more I can't think of at the moment.
and then when he finally does regenerate, after putting it off for so long, after the loneliness, it's because of Wilf. because he had to save him.
and he says his goodbyes. and the Ood sing him to sleep, because they have to, because he would never stop fighting, to the point of destruction. and even then he still doesn't want to go.
and then there's Fourteen. Fourteen who does his best to embrace his emotions and be happy because of what he's learned since he last wore that face, but he's so so tired.
and how this time, this time he's had this face back for hardly a few days, and he finally lets himself go.
but he still cheats death.
because this time, this time it's the universe that screams no, no, I'm not done with you yet.
and he bi-regenerates instead. because maybe he was cheating death for a reason. maybe the universe was saying that whole time, you need to rest. and he just wasn't ready. he wasn't ready to rest until he was ready to die. and that's when he got his reward. that's when he was able to go home.
because he wasn't just defeating the toymaker. he was defeating himself. his own pride.
and I think that for the Doctor, that's infinitely more difficult than cheating death.
and I think that's very telling. and I think it's representative of humans, too.
because sometimes it's a hell of a lot easier to die, or conversely, to defy what the world is screaming at you, than allowing yourself to rest.
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So sorry for this ask, but could you please do one for the Eleventh Doctor where the reader is on the autism spectrum and also has depression, and the Doctor discovers that the reader is really beginning to feel like she doesn’t belong on the TARDIS? The Doctor ends up confessing his love for her after the reader confesses that she doesn’t want to live anymore? Sorry if this doesn’t sound like something you’d like to write.
(so sorry for the wait! I'll be posting more consistently, I promise)
Stormclouds
Pairing: 11th Doctor x GN!Reader
Rating: T
Tags/TW: hurt/comfort, reader struggles with suicidal thoughts
You'd learned a long time ago that happiness was an exceedingly fickle thing.
Life had a habit, one that you'd noticed for years. It would tease you with something brilliant, something beautiful, and after long enough, when the clouds had finally parted, everything would fall apart. The thing that looked so beautiful from far away would suddenly feel far-fetched and even laughable, and the clouds would close in again.
:readmore:
When you met the Doctor, a voice from the back of your mind told you that you shouldn't accept his offer, that the universe would be treacherous and you would be better off on Earth. But the Doctor opened the TARDIS doors, and for a moment, everything was bright.
You travelled through space and time and it was everything you could have hoped for and more, until a trip went wrong.
The TARDIS materialized in the middle of a space battle, a massive dogfight with what had to be a thousand spaceships shooting at each other. The roar of the engines and the shriek of the blaster fire left you covering your ears and huddled in a chair, while the Doctor rushed around the console.
In an instant, he'd taken the TARDIS into the bridge of the command ship and rushed to the doors, sonic in hand. You followed him out of instinct, nearly falling to the floor as blaster fire rocked the ship. He began tearing apart a control panel, shoving piles of shredded wires into your arms.
In a few tense minutes, he'd disabled the command ship, sending out a signal (somehow) that deactivated the rest of the opposing fleet. You retreated inside the TARDIS as he (somehow) sorted out the rest, and the voice in the back of your mind returned, whispering that it'd been right all along.
There were trips after that, but those first few months of peace and calm had been a fluke, because for every one trip that turned out exactly as planned, there were at least five more trips that ended in disaster. You wondered if it was always like this, travelling with the Doctor, and you had to insist to yourself that it wasn't. But there was a feeling, creeping in and corroding each day - the feeling that everything was wrong and there was nothing you could do.
The universe was full of problems you couldn't solve, along with problems no one could solve, not even the Doctor. You were only one person, one human being, how could you do anything worthwhile? The feeling drowned out everything else.
The Doctor told you today that he had a wonderful trip planned, that the TARDIS was on its way to the largest forest in the universe, with trees hundreds of times taller than skyscrapers and bioluminescent birds.
You couldn't help but think that something would go wrong. When you were proved wrong and the TARDIS landed safely on a branch the size of a bridge, the feeling remained. Your mind was flooded with images of giant bloodthirsty hawks and venomous bugs, and you lamented that you couldn't even enjoy what the Doctor was trying to show you.
He tugged on his jacket and offered you a smile, gesturing to the doors. You returned his smile but it didn't quite reach your eyes. The two of you left the TARDIS to admire the forest, and if he'd noticed you were acting strangely, he didn't say anything. Deep down, you thanked him for it.
He began walking down the massive length of the branch, pointing out each bird he could see in the branches above and telling you what they were called. For a moment, you let yourself listen.
His voice turned into a hum in your ear as you continued to walk, staring down at the bark beneath your feet before stopping entirely. You took a deep breath that shuddered in your throat, and when he heard it, the Doctor stopped and turned to face you.
You looked up and saw the look on his face, and your heart plummeted in your chest. He looked concerned, not confounded or frustrated, but concerned. When he spoke your name, his voice was low and softer than you'd ever heard it.
He stepped closer and cupped your face in his hands, peering into your eyes. "What's the matter?" he asked. You tried to say something, anything, but your eyes started brimming with tears and your shaky exhale turned into a sob.
Your knees buckled underneath you and he held onto your elbow as you sunk to sit on the branch. Now that the dam had burst, tears streamed down your face and every breath you tried to take came with a hoarse cry. You couldn't remember the last time you'd cried like this, but instead of feeling cathartic, this felt like you were dying.
The Doctor tugged you to him, holding you in an enormous bear hug as you sobbed. He stroked your hair and spoke gently, "It's alright, I promise, everything's alright."
You made some attempt at cleaning your face, saying, "No it's not. It's really not-" Your voice broke off and you tried to look away. "I don't know why I'm here."
He took your chin in his hand and gently lifted your head. "You're here because you want to be, aren't you?" he asked, trying and failing to crack a smile, "What's wrong?"
You sniffed. "I dunno, everything is wrong, I'm wrong, everything goes wrong and I can't help. I stand out of the way while you do all the work and I'm useless-" you said, choking back another sob. You swiped your sleeve across your face and sniffed again before saying, "I don't know what I'm doing here, I'm always in the way. It was the same on Earth, I can't do anything right. I'm like a-" You cried softly, "I'm like a parasite-"
"No one talks about my friend like that," the Doctor said, stroking your cheek with his thumb. "You're incredible! You're lovely, and brilliant, I couldn't imagine traveling without you."
You covered your face with your hands and muttered, "You don't understand-" Your shoulders shook and your chest heaved with sobs. "That feels like a lie, it feels like- like you're just trying to be nice, and I can't help it, but I can't believe you- and I'm tired!" you cried, "I just want it to stop, I'm so tired of feeling like this. I just-"
You paused, sniffing and wiping the tears from your eyes. The Doctor peered at you, not daring to say a word.
You said, "I'm sorry," and the Doctor responded.
"You've got nothing to be sorry about, alright? Nothing at all, I promise," he said. You sniffed again and took a deep breath.
"It's just... A lot, all the time. It gets terrible like this, and I've- sometimes, I..." you said, swallowing a lump in your throat, "I think the world would be better off without me in it. I dunno, it- it feels like I'd be doing everyone a favor." You chuckled bitterly.
The Doctor spoke, slow and deliberate, refusing to break your gaze. "Please believe me when I say that the world would not be better off without you. I have been travelling for over a thousand years, and I have never met a person that didn't matter. You're extraordinary."
He touched his forehead to yours, cupping your face and taking a deep breath. "I can't imagine a world without you," he said, stating it like it confused him, "But if I can do anything about it, I'll make sure that any world with you in it is nice and safe, I promise I'll try my hardest."
He paused again before saying, "I also want you to know that I love you, and I'm here, even when it gets hard."
You froze. Your eyes flashed across his face, looking for any telltale signs of a lie, but as you looked, you found nothing but sincerity. A tiny smile crept onto your face.
He enveloped you in another bear hug, stroking your hair as you wrapped your arms around him. For the first time in a while, you felt content.
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My bad, I forgot I had autism.
So, big f*cking week at work. Very f**king big week. I crushed it. I rose to the opportunity and finished better than anyone thought a project of mine at work. Boss huged me. Parents said they were proud. My LinkedIn was soaring. I was happy. I'm still happy.
I spent a whole week being more social, more hyperactive, more organized and more talkative than ever. I met people after people and made small talk. I f*cking orchestrated, directed and executed an event I had been planning for since May. Working 13 hours a day for 3 days. I FREAKING KILLED IT. All while going to the gym, keeping my diet in check and taking care of myself (bedroom clean, teeth brushed, nails clean, beard shaven).
Side note, for you my readers (is anyone reading this?). There's a thing I haven't told you officially, my dear Tumblr blog, and that is that I have a big fat autistic brain with ADHD sprinkles on top. And since I didn't know about any of this since I was 20, years have passed and my subconscious stil thinks I don't have autism and ADHD and that I can just function as a normal human being.
Back to the main story, an hour after the event was done and everyone was going home, it hit me. Like a train. My regular delusion that I can be a normal person for extended periods of time came to an end faster than I can say "autism". Like a freaking tsunami had reached my shore, I broke down at a friends house and slept for 12h straight. My brain had had enough. Dopamine wasn't flowing. Adrenaline rush was gone. My frontal cortex announced early retirement as I said goodbye to the few people who stayed until the very end.
I was down on my friends's sofa for about half a day. I thought that would be it, that I would get home and go to work the next day and everything would be fine. But it was not. I've spent the last few days as a zombie, walking around the office as if anything around me had anything to do with me. I came home at the end of my 9 to 5 to have dinner at 7 and be in bed by 8-9 every day. I stopped going to the gym, I couldn't care less about my diet and my skincare has stopped. And I can't do anything about it. I just don't care. I can't make myself care.
I have to stand aside as my brain repeats the cycle again: work hard & play hard until you can't take it anymore. And it's not something I can't really control. My roomates don't understand why I'm home so much and I'm not out and about all day like always. My friends reach out to hang but I just wanna wear my new pajamas and watch the new Doctor Who special (it was awesome btw, love you David Tennant)
I need recharging, but it feels like the world is made only for Duracell AA batteries I'm a potato in salt water trying to power a Tesla in the highway.
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How do you deal with burnout? I'm on week three of having my brain fried and creative juices sapped . Interested to know how a creative person like you deals with burnout. 🫠✌️
hilariously I have only had it Once and it was about this time last year because I played DnD Too Much (who knew that was possible right). Literally I have only just started playing DnD again recently because it latest THAT long, but it affected all parts of me and it was HORRIBLE.
Having only had it once I am hardly an expert. My only real advice is to try to avoid it at all/catch it early. If you use the creative part of your brain too much, just like a muscle, it can get overworked and become injured, and it needs a lot of time to recover. Just because it's fun doesn't mean it's not hard work!
Look carefully at how much creative thinking you are doing, regardless of what type, and try to put it into scale: how many hours is this per day? Is that a regular working day? Is it more? How much time is spent in idle (or non creative work) to allow your brain to take its natural span of time to come up with an idea, verses how much time are you using forcing it to come up with too much stuff too quickly. Schedule yourself as if you are an animal at a zoo: you don't want to be cruel to the animal! Don't make it play games, solve puzzles or perform tricks without a break, even if it finds it enriching!
If you feel any signs that burnout is approaching (e.g. general fatigue/lack of interest in a topic despite it being an interest/that weird 'brain is too too hot' feeling), that means IT IS. DON'T IGNORE IT!!! You body is trying to tell you to stop! Give yourself space! If you get it, all you can do is rest until you're better, so it's very much better to prevent it than get to the point of climbing back up from the bottom of the hill.
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