#it could just be regular burnout why does it have to be about autism?

[queerstudiesnatural]

being autistic is like. so nothing is ever going to be easy? it's always going to be this hard? no amount of medical appointments will ever make me better? my entire life i'm going to be told that it can't be that bad if i was able to get a job and get along with people and there's really not much they can do for me. that they can address the symptoms (depression, anxiety, etc) but i need to do a blood test first to see if it's not just anaemia, and have i considered that i'm just tired out from work? and i seem fine honestly it's probably not even autism, everyone gets a little bit overwhelmed sometimes. here, have some magnesium. if you eat more vegetables you'll be fine. there's nothing else we can do. my computer says you're not autistic because you were able to make friends and you show signs of empathy. no i haven't updated my autism research since 1996. you're making a big deal out of nothing you seem fine. we can't help you. you seem fine. we can't help you. we can't help you. we can't help you.

#guess who saw another doctor today #well she did diagnose me with depression which is something at least #but when i talked about autism and the possibility of it being an autistic burnout she was like #do you have friends? a job? ok then it's probably not autism #it could just be regular burnout why does it have to be about autism? #Because I Know Myself And It Is. #and the worst part is every time they ask me why i think i have autism i suddenly forgot all of the symptoms i'm just like umm i feel weird #next time i'm writing it all down beforehand so when they ask me i can just hand them the piece of paper #with all the (up to date) autism research and all the symptoms i have (which is all of them) #anyway i feel so defeated it's so hard to think that life is just never going to get easier #rain.stuff

[spencer-reids-adventures]

for a prompt, maybe hotch helping spencer after autistic burnout or helping him feel safe not masking around the team? love your writing by the way, always cheers me up!!

When Hotch comes back from lunch, Spencer is in his office waiting for him. He's seated on the floor in front of the couch, a large pair of noise-canceling headphones over his ears, the heels of his hands pressed to his eyes. Hotch doesn't want to startle him, so he sits down on the couch behind him, hoping the movement will be enough of an indication for Spencer that he's here.

And it is, because Spencer moves his hands out of the way and looks up at Hotch, then quickly jumps up and turns out the lights before returning to his seat on the floor. Hotch waits to see if Spencer will speak first, and Spencer carefully takes off his headphones.

"I think I need help," he says, barely loud enough for Hotch to hear him. "I can't-- I can't keep going like this."

"Like what?" Hotch asks gently.

"It's too much, all of it," Spencer whispers. "It just keeps getting worse and worse, everything is louder and brighter and it's all the time. I'm not even worried about having some sort of meltdown, I'm worried I'm going to just... combust. I've been pretending to be fine for so long and I don't--" He swallows. "I don't think I can do it anymore."

"Spencer, you don't need to pretend to be fine. Not with us. You know that, right?"

Spencer shakes his head slowly.

"I always have to pretend to be fine," he says. "When I was in school it was okay, because there were breaks, and I could spend a few weeks or months by myself decompressing and letting myself be myself, but here... There are no breaks here, and two years in, I'm not sure how to handle it."

"You could take some vacation time," Hotch suggests.

"No, but that's the thing," Spencer says desperately. "I think I should be able to handle it. I'm an adult now. This is how the world works. I just don't know how to be strong enough not to let it get to me."

"Spencer, come here," Hotch says, patting the seat next to him. "I want to look at you when I say this, okay?"

Spencer nods silently and moves up to the couch.

"You are an adult. You are an adult with autism. I know you don't want to be treated differently, and you don't want special accommodations, and you want to pretend it doesn't affect you. But it does, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with being yourself. And if you keep going like this-- well, I think you've already reached a burnout, and I know you don't want this to keep happening."

"So what do I do?"

"First of all, you take a week off, effective immediately," Hotch says. "Use that time to take care of yourself. Get yourself back in working order.

"Second of all, we sit down with a calendar and we pick regular weeks off - we can decide together how frequent or infrequent, and they don't have to be set in stone, but I want something on your calendar giving you the breaks you need.

"And finally, Spencer, I need you to know that you do not have to mask your behavior around the team. I understand when we're traveling that you want to present yourself a certain way, but when you're home, when it's just us, I want you to feel comfortable doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Do you understand?"

Spencer nods.

"Can you do that?"

"I think so," he says softly. "Thank you, Hotch."

"You're welcome," Hotch says. "Now, why don't you go home and get some rest."

They both stand up, and Spencer gives Hotch a quick nod before heading out the door.

#cw autistic burnout #autistic spencer reid #aaron hotchner #maya writes more than 5 sentences #maya's autistic spencer collection #maya's spencer whump collection

[malazansapper]

autism month april

april 13: autism: leading to what sort of trouble? why? what helps?

hrm, identifying big topics: social communication/ sensory/ fixations, getting stuck

the biggest problems to me have roots in social and communication issues. these topics just permeate every aspect of life and having issues really makes difficulties. i made long post about yesterday, but wanting to add: having a job: surprise! social/communication issue. having a home: surprise! social/communication issue. these issues just unfold into everything. it is too all-encompassing for me to really say much about it hahah

sensory issues: i feel like this is rather a lesser issue for me. i think i just kind of assumed everyone had the similar experience to me growing up. and just like the way i happened to be: i didnt get melty over it or like realize i could or should be getting help for it: just kind of endured. i think also i am hyposensitive in a lot of ways and withdrawn, so there wasnt much realizing for it. i had a personal theory that my eyes let in too much light because my pupils could get really huge. i wore hats so much as a kid, i couldnt stand sunglasses on my face. i would walk barefoot on asphalt in the summer, hot enough to end up with like inch wide blisters, and just didnt realize. there is video of someone saying about kid me: yall see taylor? looks like a war zone. hahaha i just threw myself into everything and kept going cause couldnt feel it. still. i have a lot of scars. i guess the sensory issues do lead to some kinds of avoidance. i definitely have issues to leave the house. the store is difficult, but i schedule it, and do what i can to protect myself. hrm idk, ya light, and some sound do bother me. other ppl: idk: parts dont care, parts scared? things change over time, but some things same. [edit: so maybe the issues for me are more safety: will hurt myself and not realize, and avoidance]

fixations and getting stuck: hrm i dont quite know what to say about this yet. i sit in the sun with snakes. i go make tea, edit this part in later 👋👋👋💜💕 [edit: i guess this has to do with what i am interested in. sometimes i get stuck stimming: usually only an issue if im hurting myself: like scratching or picking or body impact. i like to play old games: over and over: read old books. not really trouble. hrn.

i think is an interesting aspect where the label autism diagnosis might lead to trouble itself. i wonder how different i might have been if growing up diagnosed. i have done many interesting things because i didnt lnow any better and no one was stopping me. failed at many interesting and normal things too because of undiagnosed/unsupported.

what helps? for social/communication: idk! i wish i did! sensory issues: basic things: hat, sunglasses, music, ear defenders and plugs. helps some, but still difficulties. yall know the feeling of taking out ear protection not at home: that just came to mind: it is like a body convilsion for me [edit 2: like the dry heaves, but whole body hahahah]. fixations and getting stuck: another person to physically intervene with a firm comfort toich usually stop me {if hurting}. rouyines help. regular timed meals.

hrm i am having thoughts back to using painkillers badly after one of my earlier sort of burnouts. i hesitate to say it helped, because i know addiction is rather unhealthy and dangerous coping. i wonder if it was more for the depression {this was the year/s after drop out college first time from adjustment issues, and my parent divorce/family support rift}, or to handle the issues {social and sensory} from having my first job. that was a hard time in life.

spite, let us end on something positive hahah. id like to say that knowing helps. i dont know yet if it does, there has been a lot of hurt on this part of life: maybe will soon be better. id like to play and live in a house and get to see my sisters again. i am just kind of sad now hahahaha.

here is my roommate:

#autism #autistic #mine #april #2020 #spring #30daysofautismacceptance