#didnt have time today either

[where-does-the-heart-lie]

Inktober day 13: rise

Hope this helps

#didnt have time today either #my art #one piece #tony tony chopper #inktober

[khaire-traveler]

Ok, I'm burnt out, pretty grumpy, and having a really hard time, so I'll be turning asks off for awhile. Posting will be more sporadic. I know I don't have to announce things like this, I figure I'll let people know so they don't think I'm ignoring them or anything. I'm just having a shit time, y'all.

Take care, everyone.

#personal #blog post #sorry for literally just coning back from a posting a break and leaving immediately after #shit just really fucking sucks today #I've been having a shit time throughout this entire move #but the moment we got on the road and the moments after have been fucking hell #i didnt sleep well most of these nights either #as I've been sharing a bed with my mom #and she's used to a bigger bed so she keep stealing blankets and kneeing me in the side #I'm just having a shit time #even spirituality has veen difficult lately #i haven't been able to feel the presence of any deities and that's been reallt hard #because it feels like I'm praying without reason sometimes #but i try to push through those feelings #but i also just feel bad that i keep asking and asking for hwlp without being able to give offerings atm #i just don't feel well #and there's not much i can do about it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i walked into a situation today where my mom was effectively already dead. effectively bc her body was and is still alive. still breathing #painful groaning purrs. but her mind was gone yesterday. my dad said he showed her a picture of the mountains i took that day and told her #i loved her and she smiled. thats what he said. maybe he was just being nice. or maybe thats the last time she thought of me. i dunno. but #the human body is an incredible thing. shes got a heart still powering a broken body. too full of tumors to function anymore. stomach #streched like a pregnant mother. it happed really fast and now its happening very slow #im somehow probably better off than the rest of them. i only got here for the aftermath of a downslide. my daily life will b least effected #i only really saw her twice a year living so far away and she didnt text much. didnt call often. so life wont change much ill just kno shes #not there. which is sad. but theres nothing to b done abt it. life goes on. it hasnt been all bad tho. its nice to talk to my family abt her #how incredible she was. bc she was. wish her mom wasnt here tho. she doesn't deserve to b here. my mom wouldnt want her here. she didnt want #her here. but anyway. i wish her body would just let her go now. so we can sleep. so this can be over. so she can rest #but even like this shes stubborn and resilient. they say it could go on for days but i hope not. may the universe let her rest shes gotta b #so tired after 10 years of this. but i have no regrets. she knew how i felt abt her. and i dont think she had regrets either. she did so #much up to the very end. went out on a high note without the burdon of knowing it was coming #i dunno. its just such a strange experience to watch the empty shell of your mother sleeping like a gurgling baby #unrelated

[ganondoodle]

sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-

not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better

honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of

#ganondoodles talks #personal #sorry today is a bit of a brain fart day #got a headache and have wasted the entire time until now (5pm) with watching old analysis videos i have watched 5 times already #and crying over undertales music #how much could i get done if i didnt have to deal with thought trains going 200 above speed limit #also didnt mean to sound mean to people who like the things i deem cringy #BC I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKIGN ABOUT 90% OF THE TIME #I DONT KNOW IF ITS GOOD maybe it is #my judgement of my own stuff is pretty random #.... maybe thats why i can work with fanstuff that adheres to lore better #bc it sets limits for me #it gives me options of rails to derail onto without falling straight into the woods #idk if that made sense either #... i need to start drinking more #(and i guess by calling some of my stuff cringe bc i am entirely unsure of its quality im trying to make myself smaller than i am) #(so if it turns out to be actually bad- im more safe from ridicule since LOOK I AM SELF AWARE) #and there i go letting my thoughts spin further #maybe ill delete both of these posts tomorrow when i realize how dumb this is to say in the first place

[softshuji]

eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh

#i just find it like so unfair yknow #im the only one who works in myhouse and full time #but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put #my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but #i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger #its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad #and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility #and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough #and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother #said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9 #and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time #constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers #and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either #its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they #cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything. #like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl #thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on #im just tired and upset #its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else. #and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing #im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf #oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this #and yk what #thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is #i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return #or if not #theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them #i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me #its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me

[mugenloopdalove]

So funny seeing ppl mock me for falling behind in drabblecember bc the reason I feel behind is my creative energy has been focused on original stuff

#gerard's diary #im event staff in a rather big server #and we had a big event the past couple weeks #and when i wasnt doing event staff stuff i was either job hunting #or working on my new oc #so i didnt have the time/energy for drabblecember #plus i was having a bit of confidence issues w my writing admittedly #but it was primarily just #prioritizing the server im staff in overr everything else #esp bc i was the only one w out an oc in the event #bc the event was centered around students at the school and i dont have a student yet #i was working extra hard so the other staff could focus on their rps #all i really had was my teacher talking w the other school staff Abt the event #so i was in helper mode rather than creative mode #it's just funny #like man im such a failure at writing for having other priorities lol /s #anyway hopefully ill have the time for todays prompt. i did sleep til 7pm but

[elegyofthemoon]

IF YOU COULD be at any airport in the world rn which one

the bangkok one i wanna go home but also to look at this cool statue :)

#I DONT REMEMBER WHAT THE STORY IS BEHIND THIS STATUE THOUGH :( #my mom always explains it to me but by the time we arrive there im hella sleep deprived because i dont sleep on the plane #theres also a bunch of giant statues around the airport too to welcome arrivals ^7^ those are cool (i mean intimidating BUT COOL) #something something mixing a sea of milk #i dont remember T_ T #answered #anons #(i dont really remember any airports well because im usually spaced tf out at them laksdjafh) #anyways i havent been to thailand in so long :( like 4/5 years #i was supposed to go sooner but then i had covid and that makes me sad :( #AND I HAD PLANS TOO :((( I WAS LIKE BEGGING MY MOM CAN WE GO TO THE ANCIENT CITY PLEAAAASE and then my ass got sick #*angry punching* #my mom and sisters didnt even wind up going to the city either because my sisters were like 'BUT THATS BORING THATS ALL HISTORY #I WANNA GO SHOPPING' #T _ T i need friends who are also into historical stuff. we can make an adventure team and go travel everywhere together (the dream life) #i say im into history but i have no brain to remember anything btw so dont ask me anything asljkfaslkjh #sorry i seem to be >_> chatty today (procrastinating)

[hiveswap]

Being an older sister in a dysfunctional family living separately from the parent who is raising the kid is like actually being subjected to all circles of hell whenever you think about family too hard

#i want to be a good sister but i have absoutely no time i dont know when they want me around either because they wont call #and i mean. the kid is half a year old already. fuck #i want to help!!! i want to go hang out!! i want the sort of family my peers have!! #its 12th year i need to study so much and they dont live in the same city as i do. #i have to take the bus back home and then keep going from there to another city if i want to visit #last time my father spoke to me it was a text on my birthday asking if im home. when i said no he didnt even respond #last 2 times i visited them it was me initiating despite him promising he'd also call more #i dont feel like he actually wants me around. thats fucking stupid but like the guy has a baby now why would he need a grown ass adult kid #before she was born i wouldnt have give a fuck honestly cause he sucks. but combined with the fact that again i wanna be involved. #and im worried about his parenting bc he 'parented' me so hard im an avid tumblr user now #im certainly in a mental state today bc ive been thinking about this since i heard a baby make cute baby noises on the bus today.... :(

[mrpsychokiller]

suddenly feeling really sad at 3 am after my birthday this blows

#aaaaaagghhhhh noooooooo its the soul crushing melancholic over how lonely i am again #this sucks my life is so depressing. my brother didnt even wish me a happy birthday today. i mentioned it and he just mumbled at me #my mom didnt get me anything. none of my other family members said a word either #i just stayed home all day on my computer just like i do every single day of my life #ill do the same on halloween and on christmas and on new years and whatever else #i dont know i guess i still feel like holidays should be something special #and when they arent im just reminded of how i have nothing to celebrate and nobody to celebrate with #i just feel alone all the time as i have since i was old enough to remember. lame shit

[guinevereslancelot]

the best thing about teaching toddlers is that the kids take a two hour nap in the middle of the day right after lunch and i get to spend most of that time doing nothing on my phone <3

#i spent part of it on my lunch hour today bc they went down while i was gone #and then i didnt have to do lunch time cleanup either #i just came back from my lunch hour a few minutes ago and they're literally going to be alseep for another hour and a half or two hours #and i just get sit sit here :) #usually there's some kinds of tasks to do during naptime but not today for me #but even when there's tasks its still basically an hour extra break after that #which is needed when working with kids tbh #anyway #i love getting paid to sit on the floor in the dark and scroll on my phone lol #so glad im done being horribly ill #if only this job paid better it would be the perfect job tbh #def going to start my own home daycare someday #its tiring but basically my job is to be fun and silly and make sure the kids are safe lol #also change diapers and wipe their noses all day long but its not that bad except for getting sick #i do change diapers when they start waking up from nap so i dont get the whole two hours off but still #its a very nice extra break

[dreamcast-official]

huh.

#eli.txt #idk i think ive been slowly forgiving my sister for how deeply hurt i felt when she moved out bc now I Get It. like I Get It #when she moved out i was. 9. and in my head i thought she had left because of me. because i wasnt the easiest kid in the world and i know- #-she had a hard time dealing with me when we were alone. we're so far apart in age we couldnt connect for most of my life. and in my head #that was the reason she left home. bc of me. bc she was tired of *me.* #i know now thats not true. and i understand now why she had to leave because if she felt the way im feeling then goddamn im glad she got ou #this feeling SUCKS. nd like #yeah this probably has to do with my father's daughter and the fact that she refused to even meet me until our dad died. #it took my dad dying for my sister to even be in the same room as me. that really messed with me as a kid. like it REALLY did. #so when my sister left home i just kinda went. oh okay neither of my sisters want anything to do with me! i will be alone forever! got it! #AND I KNOW NOW THATS NOT TRUE ON EITHER OF THEIR ENDS. I DONT HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP W MY DADS DAUGHTER AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL #BUT I DONT HOLD ANYTHING AGAINST HER ANYMORE BC GOD HER MOTHER WAS AWFUL AND I GET WHY SHE DIDNT WANT TO MEET ME BC OF EVERYTHING #BUT LIKE. THAT MESSED ME UP AND I JUST STRAIGHT UP ASSUMED BOTH MY SISTERS HATED ME FOR SO LONG. #AND NOW THAT I ALSO FEEL LIKE I NEED TO LEAVE I CAN SEE SO CLEARLY. MY SISTER NEVER HATED ME I WAS NEVER THE REASON SHE LEFT. #I CAN LET GO OF HOW HURT I FELT BECAUSE I ALSO NEED TO LEAVE #god i dont wanna hurt my mom though. #dont think i could leave her completely alone in this apartment. i dont think i can do that. #anyway. hi tumblr did you like todays oversharing episode

[mitamicah]

Somtimes you blank on stage

Sometimes it is just not your day

But my moment of success

Was when I didnt make a fuzz about it

I actually feel okay

Scratch that I feel nothing

It is in the past

I cannot do anything about it

And that is actually great for once

#it sounds like a poem but it is actually my feelings about todays open mic #i didnt have my guitar (and the one i borrowed was out of tune and i couldnt figure out how to use the tuner] #i didnt have anything planned and no acces to lyrics or even my instrumental cha cha cha cover #and then my mind shut me out #in the middle of playing cha cha cha #acoustic i mean #it was the first time in months i have felt so lost when singing it #and i couldnt remember any song i ever made either #all this to say i am impressed with myself that i didnt spiral into negative selfhating thoughts #no frustration tears was shed #i feel numb and a bit annoyed with the girl who arrived late and wanted to set up a guitar and mic after the rest of us has packed down #but it is what it is #micahs thoughts

[broke-on-books]

😍😍😍

#accidentally slept through my only class today #which whoops sorry. (my 9am english) #which kind of killed step 1 of a plan of mine but thats okay #anyways THEN i had to go downtown to pick up this award bc i forgot to show up to the ceremony like a dumb dumb #but the building was like a 25 minute walk and it was COLD (punishment for my dumb dumbness tbh) but anyways i got there early so i walked #around the block and then went inside and picked up my medal #and i was already far downtown so then i popped my head in a couple of stores as i slowly walked back #got a few things from target. new hair clip nail polish m&ms pens and then a mango. very excited to eat that either later today or tomorrow #then i popped in the calligraphy store and then the comic shop and looked around. saw some white ribbon in the calligraphy store which ive #been looking for but didnt get it because it was a bit wide and kind of expensive and i want a lot for my project idea #(want to write out some of my favorite poems on them in sharpie and then use it to accessorize) #and then i went to the comic shop and peeked around. saw a nubia issue and a few gl 2021s in the discount bin but i didnt get them bc #they were all middle issues and i havent read those books yet although i do want to someday bc my guys were in them. one of the gl 21s even #had simon on the cover so i was very !!!!!!!! thats my guy!!!!! #didnt buy anything there but i did ask the guy to make sure to order a copy of the spirit world tpb so ill stop by to get that in a few wks #and then i went to the bookstore cafe and got a cold brew and did a but of English there. they have tables in the stacks its nice. the one i #grabbed was just surrounded by old paperbacks of sci fi and thrillers lol. didnt see anything id read but recognized a few author names like #card (no enders game though) and the pern lady (idk her name i havent read it). anyways did half a blog post thats technically late (ill #backdate though dw) and then packed up and i grabbed a gyro from the halal cart on that block which i just finished back at my dorm <3333 #anyways good times. now im gonna try and spam some work and go to freaking trivia team for the first time in a month later. oops #blah #oh and i think the halal cart guy may have given me a free soda. unsure abt that though bc its possible it came with and i was just being #silly again. so anyways i had a ginger ale too

[sucktacular]

trying to learn how to make Left4Dead mods, specifically a survivor model that I already have a model someone else made, BUT MY LORD im WAILING folks

not only am i back in the hell trenches that is a 3D modelling program (spits thinking about school) but also I cant find any good tutorials for Blender and, Kitten, I'll be honest. Daddy's about to kill himself (joke joke but also man this is the THIRD TIME trying again. first two times ended the exact same and i expect this one to end the same. stay tuned!!!)

ps if anyone has rigged up and put survivor models in l4d2 before I will literally draw you whatever you want, full color and shading, if you can put this fucking model for me on steam workshop. (not joking in the slightest, i have the model file I just need you to do the complex shit ; - ; it doesnt even have to be THAT GOOD i just want this fucker in my game)

#sucktacular sucks #saw someone on steamworkshops offering to rig pre-existing models for L4D2 for $20 and if I wasnt so painfully broke #I would have messaged them two days ago (sobbing) this shit so hard LOL #itd probably be easier if i made this damn file or if any of these tutorials actually explained why youre clicking certain buttons #cuz then it would teach me straight out how blender works but NO i gotta do my own dissecting #first tutorial i followed was going okay until they told me to download a program from before 2013 and didnt give us a cracked file for it #so one scary run in with a potential trojan later..... found a blender specific tutorial! yippe! thats free! #but then the blender tutorial is legit just a youtube video with no audio #just watching this person click random shit and then back out and then fling their cursor around more #like bro this is the worst thing to watch. like im following but this is painful #anyway that tutorial didnt help either and i wanna say its cuz of the model im using being in multiple pieces??? maybe??? #lord if i fucking know... #today im seeing if i can merge all the pieces and go that route #but i think thats gonna make the model literally stiff as fuck with no eye movements cuz its uh.... a solid thing #so lets fuck around and find out and waste time :)))) #im also not joking in the slightest... if youve done this before i will trade you in craft

[typheus]

cosmo sketch :p

#my art #my ocs #cosmo #the spirit of drawing is just not with me today 😔 #anyways #this was for a lil comic of cosmo n grimm talking #but then for one panel i could not draw cosmo the way i had in my head #so instead i spent like 4 hours just drawing him sitting like 30 times... #and still didnt get a single draiwng that had the right vibe. :( #this was like... the 7th? drawing #i was having a bad drawing day then too #still am #still didnt draw him with the right vibe #so i threw colors on this one sketch n am giving up for the night :/ #i cannot do it today either #maybe after the 50th drawing it will go my way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ thats art for you

[cepheusgalaxy]

Ok Google. How. The. F.UCK Do. You. Get. Gender. E-U-P-H-O-R-I-A.

#swearing #vent #at this point im just straight up upset #people correct themselves around me #i just feel uncomfortable for some reason #i don't feel quite myself #i dont like going out for this reason #either people misgender me and i feel bad #coz everybody sees me as a bloody girl #or they try to gender me right and i feel so bad for some reason #my mom dragged me to a dancing class #a very light and short one #so i wore my binder for the first time #and i was a little 'awn' cuz it wasnt' working like #at all #and then it was a couple's dance #and i dont like being that close to strangers #so i danced with my brother (that part was fun tho) #and on our way home she kept trying to convince me to do the classes again and sign me up even though i had clearly said i didn't want to. #now im home and today i just wasnt feeling it my hair wasnt nice i didnt have nice clothes on nor did prepare myself to go to the damn clas #now i just feel bad