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nd-babblinggoblinfromthevoid · 17 days

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Seeing some other users pop up who also have pots, and reading their past and current struggles has inspired me to write a little about my experience. (From what I remember anyway.)

Just in case, tw/cw pregnancy loss is mentioned.

My symptoms started right smack at 13. I had always been slightly heat sensitive but not enough to really think about it. Then I turned 13 and it was like I was burning constantly. But also, even when I was hot, my extremities would still sometimes be ice cold.

I fainted in the shower, daily. I almost always felt it coming beforehand. The sudden dizziness and weakness. It was my normal routine to feel that, lie down, black out, wake up, then resume my shower. (Usually 5-15 minute black outs)

I knew something was wrong, but I was a young teen. My thoughts were "too scared to address it" and "I'm just being a baby" and "What doctor is gonna believe a teenager these days". So I suffered through it.

It was horrible. My teen years were riddled with unnoticed tachycardic episodes brushed off as "you're out of shape" and "just push past it". Meanwhile i felt like i was dying.

I know teenagers biologically need more rest, but i was chronically fatigued and of course, "lazy teenager" label got thrown at me constantly. I tried to stay active, productive, but it got harder and harder. (Not knowing I also struggled bcuz of audhd but that subject is touched on in a previous post.)

When I really branched out into life and into the workplace at 18/19, it hit me that this wasn't going away. This wasn't a weird teenage thing i was experiencing.

I could work, but was significantly more exhausted than my coworkers and the only one ever to stop a lot, Cool down, rest. Drove managers nuts because "you're too young to be this way" was said to me constantly.

Through a few job changes in my early twenties it got harder and harder to work. Exhaustion. Overheating. Tachycardia. I fainted at work idk how many times during a really bad streak.

On top of pots brain fog, I'm audhd (which i didnt know until mid-late twenties) so my brain just doesn't brain for me and all I had going for me were labor jobs. That's all i had. That's all i knew i could do.... and i was slowly becoming unable to do that.

I didnt push to see a cardiologist until i got pregnant with my first child. I was terrified. That pregnancy exacerbated my pots and i thought that pregnancy was going to kill me. If it didnt, then giving birth would. My resting hr was regularly in the 140s/150s and i was fainting/near fainting all the time.

But i saw a dick of a cardiologist who nearly immediately dismissed me as a hysterical pregnant woman who just had anxiety. Even in our first consult appointment he was already very not hiding the fact that he wasn't taking my concerns seriously. Even after I told him these symptoms weren't just popping up during pregnancy. That it'd been most of my life. (In one ear out the other let me tell you)

I suffered horribly through that pregnancy not knowing i also had pots so my heartrate and blood pressure were bonkers whenever i went to appointments, not knowing that i only had high bp bcuz they'd check it after I'd sat down in the lobby, stood up, then immediately sat down in a room. Which as y'all know fucks hr/bp and all that without being pregnant. But we didn't know. And the only dr I'd seen, dismissed me.

I thankfully got through the pregnancy and all was well. My symptoms went back to pre-pregnancy intensity. Life, a loss in between, and another full pregnancy happened. This time my pots didn't overly act up. I only struggled bcuz that baby was a biggg one.

After recovering from my 2nd birth i thought for months about everything. My health. My life with my kids. How i was sick of not having answers. Sick of how that first dr treated me. So i told my primary all of this and she sent me to the same heart institute, but a different dr.

NOW THIS DR LET ME TELL YOU.

From the GETGO the vibe was different. He listened. Talked with/to me not AT me. Actually listened with the intention of listening and absorbing the information, not listening with the intent to say whatever he was already wanting to say and just waiting until i stopped talking (like the previous dr)

He took me seriously. After info dumping my 16 years of suffering he was already ready to get testing done and scheduled and i nearly cried when he left the room because HE LISTENED HE TOOK ME SERIOUSLY.

I had my testing done (tilt and breathing) and he saw me for the followup but they hadnt gotten the results back so he pushed the dept for the results and one hour after that appointment, he called me and said basically "yea you failed the test almost immediately and your results were consistent through the whole thing so I'm proceeding with the diagnosis of pots"

He explained the basic no cure but you can try xyz to help and you need to listen to your body when it's having symptoms dont ignore it to your detriment. All that.

I hung up. And cried all evening/night. Happy tears. Tears of relief. I got my answer. I was listened to. I actually got through it. But also tears of grief. For the girl who suffered. For the young woman who thought she was gonna die during pregnancy/birth.

I'd had (and still slip into sometimes) a harsh mindset of self hate for years. Why am i so lazy. Why am i so weak. Pathetic. Etc. It just spiralled all the time and pots + audhd is a shitty mix and to be approaching 30, with answers I've wanted and needed for half of my life.... I just... uff da! It's a lot.

I was diagnosed February of this year. So it's still kind of fresh for me. I'm still trying to find what works for me officially to navigate it. But I definitely am trying to give myself grace for all the years I thought everything was my fault. Or that I just wasnt trying hard enough.

I'm sure I've missed some things but my memory of my life is really patchy from audhd and trauma. But I think this covers the bulk of it and feels good to info dump about life when, for most of it, I bottled everything.

#long post #sort of vent post #journal #experience #life #life with pots #pots experience #pots syndrome #pots and pregnancy #tw loss mentioned #cw loss mentioned

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fatphobiabusters · 6 months

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Theres something really insidious about how gastric bypass advocates deny that essential organ mutilation is unhealthy.

"I've lost so much weight I'm so healthy" your stomach is mutilated.

"My doctor is praising my progress" your stomach is mutilated.

"I fit in so many more clothes now"

Because an essential, life sustaining organ in your body was cut up and your digestive system rerouted.

Health isn't the end all be all of value, humanity or importance but I feel like there is a huge lie here when this is "healthy" and it's just ignored.

Sorry to just bring this up out of no where but I was reminded of how little this is really talked about in bypass circles. Like, no matter what, you are now unhealthy. The spector of health continues. The Ouroboros is unbroken. Only this time it's doctor approved.

-mod squirrel

#Mod squirrel #weight loss mention #Healthism #Surgery cw

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razberrypuck · 1 year

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something something chat trying to tie the vote (and doing so very successfully) until g!ranboo started begging to be put out of his misery. how quickly the votes shifted to comply because keeping him alive and trapped on that fucking show against his will would be infinitely more cruel.

#genloss #generation loss #genloss ranboo #g!ranboo #generation loss ranboo #generation loss spoilers #genloss spoilers #cw death mention

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little-tunny · 1 year

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On the topic of pet loss, I drew this comic after my sweet Goopy passed away. I have a working list of art ideas, and for 5 long years at the very top of my idea list was “Comic where I take Huey and Goop to McDonald’s that ends with no punchline.” Every time I wanted to draw something I’d see that idea first, but always kept pushing it back for another time. When Huey passed away I thought about just deleting it, cause I felt like it was too late to draw it, and reading it made my heart hurt. But I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of it, so taking them to McDonald’s remained at the top of the list. Then, about a year later, I lost Goop to cancer. It came out of nowhere, and within two weeks he was gone. Almost all of my prompts were about him, I loved drawing Gooby. I was so distraught I couldn’t even turn on my work computer and face it. And when I finally felt good enough to draw again, there was that prompt staring back and me. And I thought, you know what? Fuck it, it’s never too late to take them to McDonald’s. If I can’t see them in life, I want to see them in art. I don’t want to stop loving them the way I do now. So, I took Huey and Goop to McDonalds, with no punchline.

#comic #cw #pet loss #pet death #animal death #mentioned

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pillowspace · 7 months

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Hi, it's like almost 4 in the morning, but I suddenly had an angsty Time Loop AU realization that was like semi-horrifying and I kept thinking about it, so.

It could be easy to write off Sun and Moon as not really having to face much trauma during the time loops, while just Y/N does. But when you take into account that Y/N's the only one who knows they'll be okay in the end, the loops in which Y/N dies are devestating on Sun and Moon. Because they're not constantly in virus mode. Moon has moments. A lot of moments, but they pass. The virus eases up. And the loops aren't dependant on Y/N, they're dependant on the day of the fire, meaning that they're just kind of in sleep mode until time's up to bring them back. So Sun and Moon just have to deal with the burden of what's happened to Y/N until time resets, and they're not waiting for that reset to happen, because they don't know it's coming. Sometimes it all went wrong early on, and those times were easier. Sometimes it all went wrong much too late when they already loved you, and those times broke them.

Maybe just the faintest phantom memory of what that loss felt like slips through on Y/N's next "first day" of the job (if we're sticking to Eclipse having the memories, then it'd be a fun thought to consider the tiniest of memories slipping through sometimes), and Sun and Moon are both confused by the sudden wave of relief-desperation-anguish-love-guilt-guilt-guilt they randomly feel upon Sun meeting you. The feeling's easy to discard, but they don't understand why it happened. They suspect it to be a bug. Just a quick second of confusion in the programming that runs what emotions they feel.

After the loops, Sun and Moon remember every single day they spent genuinely believing Y/N was gone forever, and that hurts. And honestly, I'm caught between saying "they never let go of Y/N afterwards" and "they're too scared to hold Y/N anymore." Perhaps it's both. Perhaps they want to hold onto Y/N, and Y/N is the one who has to help them learn that's okay. I did put post-loops Y/N down as "very cuddly," after all.

Mm. Anyway. I should sleep

#cw death mention #nothing graphic. its more about loss i suppose. the after #time loop au #cw grief #GOODNIGHT GAMERS... UHHHH. APOLOGIES FOR WHAT THIS AU HAS GOT ME SAYING

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keii4ii · 3 months

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My Lies of P experience, part A

#my art #lies of p #lies of p spoilers #cw: mentions pet loss #Not implying Zelda is inferior to LoP #A story's value is not determined by how much the characters suffer #But I will say P is my favorite character ever aside from my own

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chaerrycoke05 · 13 days

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I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖࣪

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delianagirl · 10 days

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52 days until summer, we can do this!

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lov3lyc4lori3s · 2 days

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What you eat in private is what you wear in public.

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perfectnightt · 3 days

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name a food and i won’t eat it in may ྀིྀི

(a bit late)

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nelida-alvarez · 2 months

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Tomorrow

@charliemwrites

I debated for some time whether or not I should post this, but in the end, my desire to share stories won.

Cw/Tw : mentions/discussion of losing faith (religious) & mentions/discussion of child death. Take care of yourselves <3

It was rare for Nélida to be uncomfortable. Sure, there were things that annoyed her, things that stressed her and things that made her afraid. She wasn’t ashamed to admit that- she was human, and it was in Men’s nature to feel, whether the emotions were positive or negative. Things that made her uncomfortable though? Things that made her skin crawl with unease and the desire to be anywhere else than where she was at the moment? Those were rare. Oh, they existed. And they made her soul tense up when mentioned.

“I don’t think that’s right, though…” Nova said, sprawled on the couch with Keegan as they argued. Nikto was sitting in a love seat, doing crosswords almost absentmindedly as he quietly listened to the sergeants talking. Castle was reading a book, not really paying attention. Meanwhile, Nélida was sitting on the ground in front of her Captain, her back leaning against his legs.

“No, I’m quite sure… It's like that thing with Adam and Eve, right? Banned from Paradise for touching the forbidden fruit or something.” Keegan replied.

“Adam and Eve were expelled from Eden to prevent them from eating from the tree of life, which would have made them eternal, not because they ate the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Nélida absently corrected, shocking the two sergeants into silence. Noting the absence of talking, she blinked and looked up, meeting the bewildered gazes of her team.

“What?” She asked, a bit confused.

“I didn’t know you knew so much about… Bible-y things.” Nova said, tilting her head in curiosity.

“Oh.. yes, I guess I just… never talked about it.” Nélida tensed slightly, her hands playing idly with Castle’s shoelaces.

“Are you Christian?” Keegan leaned forward, eager to know more about her. A small pregnant pause followed the question, broken by a shuddering breath Nélida took.

“…was.” She whispered. Nikto frowned, shuffling in his seat.

“Oh.. well, what is, or was maybe, your favorite Bible quote?” Nova frowned a little at Keegan’s question, eyes darting between his oblivious self and Nélida’s crisped expression.

Castle had put his book down, lips pursing at the tense atmosphere in the room. He let one of his big paw-like hands slowly come down to rest against Nélida’s nape, the weight reassuring.

Keegan, realizing his mistake, opened his mouth to apologize, before being cut off by the older woman.

“It..” she started, clearing her throat as her voice broke.

Nikto crouched down next to her, presenting his gloved hand, palm up, to her. Nélida took it, taking a deep breath, before starting to speak once more.

“It is… or was, perhaps, Isaiah 41:10." She admitted, clearing her throat once more.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Keegan started, before being cut off by Nélida throwing a small smile his way.

"It's fine, amor, you didn't know."

Silence reigned for a while, before Castle hummed.

"Well now, what do you all say we play a game, hmm? Anyone up for strip poker?"

As Nova got up to go take the cards, Nélida squeezed Nikto's hand in thanks and threw a grateful glance over her shoulder at her Captain.

~~~

Nélida prefered to be the big spoon when cuddling. She just liked that position better. But sometimes, she just wanted to be held, to feel like nothing could hurt her when she was safely cocooned in her lovers' arms.

Castle rumbled quietly, scratching at Nélida's scalp gently.

"What's bothering you so much, mamí?"

"...just.. memories.." The woman mumbled, her voice slightly muffled due to the fact that her face was burried in the older man's pecs.

"Wannna talk about it?" Castle gently asked, like she was a feral animal that was being cornered.

"...Perdí a mi bebé... Mi hijo- mi hijo sólo tenía dos años y- murió..." She erupted in cries, Nélida's body was wracked with sobs, the comforting weight of Castle's hands caressing her back seemingly ineffective.

"I prayed.. I prayed so fucking much-! And my s-son, my son still.. still-!" Nélida gasped breaths in as Castle grounded her, his voice in her ear telling her to breathe helping.

"Doctors said it was CNS tumors..that there was nothing they could do, that- that it was too late.. that I noticed it too late.."

"I just- I- I miss him so much.. I wondered, why God? Why my son?" Her voice broke on the last word, trailing off into whimpers and sniffles.

Castle hummed, pressing a kiss to Nélida's forehead. He didn't quite know what to say, but he knew that what Nélida had said had probably been weighing on her for quite some time.

It took a while for Nélida to calm down, her eyes puffy and red with her anguish.

"Thank you for listening.. I-.. it's probably not fair on you, but I really needed to talk about it.."

Castle smiled sadly, a thumb drying one of his mamí's tears.

"I know this was difficult to talk about, but I'm glad you let it off your chest, love. If you ever want to talk, know that I'm here. If you don't want to talk and just want someone to hold you, I'm also here." He said, gaining himself a wobbly smile.

"Thank you, Castle... I really appreciate it."

Thye both knew she would hide anything was wrong the next morning. That she would burry her feelings deep inside her heart until they rose to the surface again. But for now, they fell asleep. Tomorrow would be different.

"...Perdí a mi bebé... Mi hijo- mi hijo sólo tenía dos años y- murió..." : “…I lost my baby… My son- my son was only two and he-.. he died…”

~~~

Isaiah 41:10

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

#writing #cod mw2 #oc x oc #oc x character #Nélida ‘Mommy’ Álvarez x Castle ‘Daddy’ Alistair #Nélida ‘Mommy’ Álvarez x Nikto #Nélida Álvarez #Castle Alistair #Captain Daddy #Nélida x Castle #cw: child death #(mentioned/discussed)#cw: loss of faith #tw: child death #mentioned/discussed

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kudossi · 1 year

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you will blaze like fire (and lack the oxygen to keep yourself burning)

Dandelionkit blinks. “I want Lionblaze to mentor me,” she says, her voice barely above a mouse’s breath.

Squirrelflight crouches over her, tail draped around Dandelionkit’s thin shoulders. “I’m sure he’d love to,” she says quietly. “I’ll ask Bramblestar if he can, okay? But only if you eat your herbs.”

Dandelionkit looks down at the chewed-up bundle at her paws, eyes impossibly tired. “Do you think he’ll name me Dandelionblaze?”

Despite herself, Squirrelflight purrs. She runs her tail along Dandelionkit’s white-splotched back, hoping to encourage her to eat. “If that’s what you want,” she says. “I once knew a cat who picked his own name, too. I’m sure you can have a say.”

The pale ginger she-cat nods, beginning to lap up the pulp. “I’d like to be like him, momma. Lion,” she clarifies, as if Squirrelflight wouldn’t know. “He’s so strong.”

“You’ll be strong, too,” Squirrelflight says, willing herself to believe it. “Stronger, if you eat your honey. Lionblaze never took his herbs.”

The small kit manages around half the pile before she gasps, little sides heaving. The herbs come up with bitter, awful-smelling bile, and then Dandelionkit coughs and coughs and coughs, frame shaking and rattling and spasming—

(Squirrelflight has never felt so helpless.)